Vvenne Maudn woud wrte nfnte stores n her

exercse books unt her prmary teachers took

them away. She has rened hersef n somewhat
but st oves to defy the wrtng rues. She
currenty resdes at sea eve n Brghton tryng
(and fang) to que her wanderust.
T H E P H O T O G R A P H E R
MF
Thank you
For readng ths when no one ese woud
Vi vi enne Maudl i n
T H E P H O T O G R A P H E R
Copyrght Vvenne Maudn
The rght of Vvenne Maudn to be dentfed as
author of ths work has been asserted by her n
accordance wth secton 77 and 78 of the Copyrght,
Desgns and Patents Act 1988.
A rghts reserved. No part of ths pubcaton may be
reproduced, stored n a retreva system, or
transmtted n any form or by any means, eectronc,
mechanca, photocopyng, recordng, or otherwse,
wthout the pror permsson of the pubshers.
Any person who commts any unauthorzed act n
reaton to ths pubcaton may be abe to crmna
prosecuton and cv cams for damages.
A CIP cataogue record for ths tte s
avaabe from the Brtsh Lbrary.
ISBN 978 1 84963 364 2
www.austnmacauey.com
Frst Pubshed (2013)
Austn & Macauey Pubshers Ltd.
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LB
Prnted and bound n Great Brtan
"Photography, as we know, s not rea at a.
It s |ust an uson of reaty wth whch
we create our own prvate word."
Arnold Newman
"But sometmes wndows break.
I thnk that, more than anythng ese, s the
concern of ths story: what happens to the
wde-eyed observer when the wndow
between reaty and unreaty breaks and the
gass begns to fy?"
Stephen King
0
------------
I recte:
"I am a sck man... I am an angry man. I am
an unattractve man."
I recte to nobody n partcuar and then I
augh.
"Not anymore."
My back s sumped nto the wa, my spne
curves at an ange to whch t s not accustomed
yet I can muster nether the energy nor strength
to move mysef. My mnd s racng, exporng
avenues n my bran that are suddeny cear.
I cose my eyes.
I aow mysef to trave through a my new
thoughts, a my new cogntons, reveng n the
chance that I may now make my own memores.
I fnd a sther of vvacty and ft my eyeds,
aowng my vson to bur n and out of focus.
As my percepton cears I aow mysef to
gaze upon the bodes yng before me. I cannot
prevent a sme from creepng across my face, a
sme that threatens to expode nto aughter as I
watch her feess form curve, her porcean skn
stretchng over her broken bones.
Smpy pcturng what I coud do to her now
she can no onger fght back sends shvers rght
across my skn and down my spne. I rotate my
shouder bades, smrkng at her.
My eyes fcker towards my feet, hs head s
restng there, eyes roed back nsde hs head,
as f he s starng rght nto hs own mnd,
watchng hs thoughts unfod.
Hs body represents everythng I have
acheved. I prod hs head wth my foot. It moves
about easy now I have broken the bones and
gaments n hs neck. I watch hm ntenty as f
somewhere n the vscera of my mnd I expect
hm to move, or have hs eyes ro back and
focus on me. I hear a sound deep wthn me as
my mechansms shrek to fe, cogs startng to
spn and grnd aganst one another, as I fee a
twang of gut.
I suppress t qucky, ookng away from hs
body and cosng my eyes.
The cogs begn to sow, creakng oudy
aganst one another.
I que the empathy that wes nsde me,
squashng the ast of hs contro over me. He s
now of no more sgnfcance to me than a
pnprck drop n a sped poo of vrgna bood.
He hods nothng nsde of me, the bond we
shared has pershed aongsde hs mnd.
There s a knock at the door.
My stomach urches.
I can sense the urgency n the knuckes that
sam nto the wood. I snap my eyes open and
peer around the corner towards the door. It s
restng ghty n the frame, t s hurtng snce I
kcked t n and shattered the ock, what seems
ke a whoe fetme ago.
A groan escapes my ps as I cmb to my feet,
supportng a my weght on the wa.
I hestate as I move towards the door as the
knockng has ceased.
I exhae a breath I was not aware I had been
hodng.
Then there s another knock... and then
another... faster and faster... the door |ots n ts
frame.
I stumbe the ast few steps and throw my
whoe body nto the door.
I press my forehead nto the door and grp
the hande tghty n my hand. I fee no desre to
open the door but I need the support for my
frage body as my new thoughts rage voenty.
A voce comes crashng through the door.
It s harsh and scratches across my ears. The
hars on the back of my neck stand up and I
press mysef coser to the door, as f I mght fa
rght through onto the man ngerng on the
other sde.
"Mr Rey!"
I grn as I rease t s not me he wants, but
the man I have ked. I rease suddeny that I
have a chance to use my fna and most
beautfu pece of work.
"Mr Rey! I know you are n there. Open the
door."
I sme nto the wood as hs voce cracks wth
anger.
"The screamng has woken my wfe. A ths
nose. The fre. I have had enough!"
I ean my neck back and take a deep breath,
fng my ungs wth stae ar and pro|ectng
mysef through at hm, my voce thck and
steady.
"I am sorry. Nathan s unabe to answer."
Profantes sp from the mans mouth and
through the door. "For Chrsts sake Mr Rey...
Im not gong to take ths anymore. Theres
other peope vng n ths budng besdes you!"
I do not thnk he has stened to me,
somethng that coud cause a great msfortune.
"Dd you not hear me? I sad he s unabe to
answer."
I fee hm sam hs fst nto the door, my
whoe body shakes wth hs force.
"You are not stenng. I - Sad - He s unabe
to come to the door. He - s unabe to answer"
"I have had enough!" Hs words pumme the
door. "I cannot take any more of your sht. I
demand to know what the he s gong on!"
I augh quety to mysef.
"I thnk I can shed ght on a few thngs."
I reach nto my pocket and pu out an
enveope. I pu a secton of the mat up away
from the foorboards and sde the enveope
underneath. There s a rustng nose as he tears
t from my hand. I smrk as I hear hm rppng
away at the paper.
Then... there s sence.
I press my ear to the door and strugge to
make out hs staggered breathng.
There s somethng that sounds much ke a
gasp.
I fee t food my body and run up my spne. I
am gad I am aready on the foor for the
sensatons that run rght through me may have
caused me to coapse and wrthe.
"Have you read my etter?"
He takes a moment.
"Yes..."
"Have you ooked at my photograph... I mean
reay ooked? I want you stare at hm, I want
you to magne what has happened to hm. Trust
me, the reaty of what he endured w be far
worse than your oney mnd can con|ure. I
assure you."
I cose my eyes and magne hm gazng upon
my fnest work, my fnest mode. He does not
repy to my questonng, I fee ncreasng
frustraton. "Have you?" I snap.
"I have."
I sme uncontroaby, unabe to stfe my
aughter.
I envsage hs face as he reads the words I
typed on my dyng typewrter... the words I
typed before I typed any of my other etters,
before I took any of my other photographs, for I
knew he was my aspraton, he was my
expectaton and hs death was my prze for
patence.
As I press mysef coser to the door I can
amost hear hs mnd screamng the words:
I KILLED HIM
I speak to hm agan through the door,
keepng my voce eve and cam.
"I am sorry. Nathan s unabe to answer... I
ked hm."
I wat for hm to make the next move... I turn
back around, peerng nto hs space that I have
ntruded on, much n the same way I nvaded hs
mnd.
I see the bodes yng motoness on the foor
amongst water, pant and poos of ther own
bood and wonder how thoughts of nadequacy
were ever gven sheter wthn the sanctty of my
mnd.
"Im cang the poce!" I hear hm shout, I
hear hm thunderng up the stars but I am
unafrad... they cannot catch me. There s
nothng they can do to hurt me.
I recte:
"I am a sck man... I am an angry man. I am
an unattractve man."
Agan, I recte to nobody n partcuar and I
augh.
"Not anymore."
I sme and crack my knuckes.
"But... I am... a free man..."
Flash
1
------------
YOU KILLED HER
These are the words prnted n bock captas on
the pece of paper I fnd, n an enveope, hdden
nsde the mornng newspaper.
Its sx mnutes past eght and I can st see
the sotary boy who devered the paper rushng
aong the road. For nne pont four seconds I
stare after hm, and then I cose the door. I
retreat nsde my apartment peerng up and
down the corrdor before ockng mysef nsde.
The newspaper fnches n my hand and the
mdde pages fa hystercay to the ground. I
sort through them, screwng pece after pece
nto a tght ba.
There s somethng ese, ts not part of the
newspaper and there s no doubt about that. Its
a etter and a photograph. A photograph of a
dead woman.
I read the words agan...
YOU KILLED HER
But I ddnt. Thats what I thnk.
I |ust ddnt.
Smpe.
Theres no reasonng wth some peope
sometmes, you cant be around peope ke ths,
often I fnd ts best |ust to gnore them and
separate yoursef entrey.
I eave the bas of paper, the message and
the photograph on the mat. They have no rght
to come any further nto my space. Another
forty-fve centmetres and they coud easy have
made t to the master bedroom. No, ts best for
them to stay where they are. Thats a concuson
and a concuson s fna and t woud at east
requre an expanaton as to why ts no onger
fna.
An expanaton I woud not dvuge.
Ony the front page of that newspaper s
aowed to advance nsde.
I take t nto the master bedroom. I fnd a
space on the wa where todays addton can be
dspayed. Every day I doubt I w fnd a space
for a new one but sure enough, I fnd new
patches of strped wapaper that Im sure were
not there before. Its one of those thngs that
cant be expaned usng scence or math. Its
these thngs that I dont understand.
Those thngs that nether make you happy
nor sad, those feengs that are a n between.
They dont make sense. Therefore they dont
have a purpose.
If I have one of these feengs that cant be
comprehended then I use a knfe to make them
go away.
Ths s what I do now. I have a draw n the
ktchen |ust for ths knfe. It does not beong wth
my other thngs; t mustnt ntrude on the thngs
I understand.
I get bood on my watch. It tes me ts sx
mnutes past eght. Its aways sx mnutes past
eght, even when I know ts not because the sun
s hgh n the sky and the shadows are short and
unmportant. It has been ever snce I broke t.
I put the knfe back nsde the draw. The thrd
draw from the rght, I coud fnd t even f I was
bnd and I coud make those cuts n my fesh
parae wth each other and stop the bood from
stanng my cothes. Its a scence and ts
scence that I understand.
I wpe the bood onto my shrt seeve. I shoud
change. I consder. I woud need that ghasty
green-coared short-seeved shrt f I am to go to
work. I cant go to work, not yet anyway. Im
watng for Mo to ca. Mo aways cas me on
ths day. Three days nto the week, whatever
day that may be.
I fck through my ra of cothes barey payng
attenton t my hands fnd the coarse fabrc of
my work shrt. I reay shoud go to work, ts the
rght tme, the suns |ust rght n the sky but I
cant, Mo needs me. I change and put the drty
shrt nto the ktchen snk. I f the bow wth
water and watch the bues turn amost back as
the fabrc soaks t up. I cant fnd the speca
fabrc soap that Mo bought for me so I drop a
bar of soap nto the water and et t snk to the
bottom.
Ths s when the teephone rngs. No, wat, t
ddnt. Dd t?
I pck t up and sten to the du monosyabc
tone that n tme becomes |ust whte nose as I
sten to the sound of my space. I can hear
everythng, thngs that other peope can ony
magne. Those peope are not norma. I am
norma. Very norma.
I can hear the foorboards struggng to hod
my weght, I can hear the ghts buzzng as they
provde a constant ght, I can hear the door
breathng nsde ts frame and I can hear my har
growng.
Ths was when the teephone rngs. Ths tme
I am rght. It s rea. It s oud, reay oud as I
hod t next to my ear wshng for the whte nose
to come back.
I wat for a few moments, then...
"Heo?" Mo speaks before I do.
I say nothng.
"Heo?" He says t agan. Twce. Never more
than twce.
"Heo." I copy hm, t s safest.
"Nate?"
I am sent.
"How are thngs?"
"Fne."
I watch the sun, I am ate. I sten to my
brothers voce but I dont reay remember what
he says after that. Somethng about how much
seep Ive been gettng, somethng about hs
work, somethng about my work, somethng
about how horrbe the weather s, somethng
about a dead woman n the news, somethng
about hs new teevson.
Wat. A dead woman?
"Mo?"
"Yes?"
"How dd she de?"
"Who?"
"The woman."
"Stranged."
"Oh." And that s that. Somethng about a
woman hes met, somethng about the eecton
year, somethng about Vetnam, somethng
about maybe gong away for a vacaton or some
sort of trp, somethng about somethng about
nothng.
After that I ask hm to hang up. He says he
w.
"Nate?" He says.
"Yes?" I say.
"I dont bame y-" I hang up before he
fnshes speakng but I know what he was gong
to say, t w be what he aways says. No one
ever says goodbye.
Mo has made me fee strange, categorcay
strange, so that I ddnt know what I shoud say
or do or act, he makes t so Im not so norma
anymore, so I go to the thrd draw from the
rght, I have to. |ust ke aways.
Flash
I can see hm.
He s there. Rght there. He s cuttng nto
hmsef agan.
It s a copng mechansm. I do not bame hm,
I woud need a reease, after a there s nothng
ke exorcsng yoursef of your demons and
ettng a that fows n the abyrnth of your mnd
escape.
Hs choce to concede to ths way of fe s
shockng, even more shockng, perhaps, yet not
so much, s my patence before I k hm. It pans
me deepy. The desre to strke hs head from hs
shouders, to pu hs mnd rght out of hs sku
puses through me, amagamatng wth my
bood.
It powers my organs. It drves my exstence. I
am at ts mercy.
It amuses me that he s competey unaware
of my presence, unaware that s unt he opened
my etter and photograph. Yet he s st unaware
t was me.
God damn he s stupd, that donkey scarcey
even knows what day t s.
I can see hm.
He s |ust sttng now. He s smpy sttng, not
even watchng the word go by.
He aways does ths, spends tme starng nto
space. I can see the exs whrrng round nsde
hs head, hs bran workng tsef nto a frenzy.
Hs mechansm scream to fe, st not used to
havng to work so hard to form smpe
cogntons. I watch hs face narrowy; hs eyes
are not even bnkng. He s frozen n one pace.
God knows what rushes around nsde hm
athough you can te that the thoughts are not
new or embryonc, they are thoughts he has had
many tmes before.
Now he has a new noton to add: my etter.
I wrote that etter an extensve tme ago. It
was ong before I snapped that womans neck
wth my hands and snatched her breath away.
They ca that premedtated. I ca that sense.
No sense n dong anythng f you are not gong
to make a pan.
Spontanety s not a desrabe trat, t stnks
of reckessness.
It does not matter that I never knew the
woman I ked. She was nothng but a ruse to
scare and manpuate hm before he becomes
mne. So t seemed hoow to fnd out her name,
I watched her, ke I watch hm and never dd she
say t, she dd not want me to know t. Every
other avenue n her fe I was ed nto through
open doors. I knew enough about her to catch
her aone when the sun was ow n the sky. I
foowed her ony for a measy few days, enough
to earn her routne, her favourte paces. It s
amazng how much you can earn f you |ust
sten and watch. I found out everythng I needed
to know. But never her name.
Perhaps I shoud have wated before startng
my torture on hm, wated for a goden
opportunty where he s at hs most vunerabe.
Wat for a tme when every etter and
photograph w send hs head reeng. Patence
s a vrtue and other such obgatory cchs I
suppose. I w wat and soon I sha be rewarded
by deverng hs head to mysef on a shnng
sver patter. These thoughts soon evacuate my
head as I watch hm scng nto hs skn. He s
ready. He aways has been.
I have been watchng hm for as ong I have
been exstng, t has been ong enough to grasp
hs habts and earn the tte thngs that make
hm tck; thngs I maybe aready knew but t has
been too ong snce I ast ad my eyes on hm to
be sure he has not changed. We a change.
Today I have been watchng hm ever snce I
spped that note and photograph deep nsde hs
newspaper and panted thoughts of me deep
nsde hs bran. He never even took t out of the
ha. He coud never comprehend t.
Perhaps he knows what he has done to me,
or perhaps hs mnd dsntegrated ong enough
ago for memores to be ony a smpe outne n
the fog that nevtaby descends.
I pause for but a moment.
He s sent.
I am sent.
Everythng s sent.
I wsh he woud move. One tny nsgnfcant
movement. A quver, a bnk, a wrgge of the
nose. Anythng. It woud |ust make everythng
fee worthwhe.
I |ust want to know how he fees rght now. I
|ust want to know that I can cause hm as much
pan as he caused me. That s a, f ony I coud
get coser.
He s not that far away, reay there s nothng
between us. Nothng at a.
A I have to do s move coser.
God knows why Ive become so nfatuated
wth revenge that I sha troube mysef wth
mages of hs death at my hands. Reach out and
n one swft move he woud be mne. God damn
t woud be so easy, but that woud be stupd.
Years of pannng woud be gone wth the snap
of hs neck. That donkey woud not even know I
was there unt t was too ate. No sufferng. No
pan. But f I coud |ust see t... |ust move that
tte bt coser.....
Flash
I hear somethng.
That was a defnte nose outsde the wndow.
I move sowy, steps barey makng a sound
aganst the foor. I unatch the wndow and pu t
up, the cod ar rushes n bowng my har back
from my face. I ean out unt the s s dggng
nto my stomach.
I stay there for two mnutes forty-nne
seconds btng nto my p. Shoud I say
somethng? Speak to whoever or whatever s out
there? No, thats not rght.
I move back nsde eavng the wndow open
ettng n the wnd. The wnd s cod aganst my
skn as I ay down across the sofa, my feet
dangng over the edge.
My neck s crooked up by the arm gvng me
the perfect vew |ust over the wndow s and
out nto the aeyway. I can hear the cats nsde
the bns feedng on what was eft over from ast
tme the sun went down and the evenng rtua
of consumpton and waste began across the
neghbourhood.
My fngertps pay wth a oose na n the
foorboards, twstng t up and then back nsde
the safety of the wood, out then back n, out
then back n.
I et my eyes rest cosed for a moment
watchng the coours move suggshy behnd my
ds. I can hear more wthout the capacty of
sght, my ears open up to a whoe new word of
sounds. I can hear the rats movng swfty down
the aey, I can hear the sewers runnng mes
beow the cty and I can hear that spder on the
wndow frame sowy devourng an nnocent fy,
the fy s screamng.
A wave of tredness moves through me. I
cant remember when I ast sept, but the sun
has been repaced by the moon twce snce then.
My feet fnd my way to the master bedroom
before Ive tme to thnk, steppng atop that
message before shuttng the door behnd them.
I pu the bnd a the way down unt ony a
sma etterbox of sunght peaks through and
casts a thn beam onto the foor.
Sometme between admrng a year-od front
page and when my head hts the pow I fa
aseep, t wasnt an easy seep because when I
wake at sx mnutes past eght I am n a cod
sweat a over and I can hear the shoutng nsde
my head. I bte down hard on my tongue t I
can taste the sharpness of bood. Stop t, I thnk.
When I come fuy nto the word and have
past the moments when the space s hazy and
sounds arent cear. I pu a botte of whsky out
from under the bed and drnk sowy and
deberatey. Some of the goden qud spatters
onto my chest and shrt so I wpe t away wth
the back of my hand.
I begn to rase mysef from the bed when I
hear someone from upstars come down and ext
through the front door. They pass dangerousy
cose to my door; I move mysef onto my ebows
and sten hard. Watng for them to try and get
n, watng for them to nvade my space. Ony
when I am sure they have traveed far enough
aong the road for turnng back to become an
nconvenence do I fee the soes of my feet ht
the carpet.
I spash my face wth the back water thats
sttng n the ktchen snk and st down at the
tabe. I run my fngers aong the grooves carved
on the surface, they fee good.
I shoud be at work, but ts too ate, I woud
ony cause more troube f I arrved now.
I stare down the haway to the pes of paper
by the door. I cant |ust eave t there; t has no
busness beng n my house. I mght have to
expan t, make excuses for someone who
doesnt know what theyre takng about.
I ddnt k anyone. Im sure about that.
I stare agan. I need to move t. I shft
purposey towards the door and pu the
message and the photograph nto my space. I et
them e on the tabe. I cant touch t, ts not
santary.
There s a sharp gust of wnd and the papers
fy nto the ar, I scrabbe to pu them down,
they cant be free, they |ust cant. The sharp
edge of the paper sces my fnger, tny dropets
of bood peek to the surface. It doesnt ook ke
my bood; t s a brght brght red, the bood n
my arms s dark.
I suck at my fnger as the papers fa back
down, I grab them wth my free hand, they are
creased by my fngers, I read the words agan...
YOU KILLED HER
I rp them both down the mdde, spttng the
womans head n two, rght down her nose and
between her eyes. I toss them nto the trash and
st back down.
Ths was the day the second etter arrved.
1
------------
The second etter snt devered n the same
way as the frst.
Ths one was underneath a arge stone out n
front of my brownstone; I saw t when I went
outsde havng made the decson to go to work.
Someone must have seen t. They are not bnd.
At east I am certan theyre not... but they coud
be.
I went back nsde... I have to hde... I cant go
to work.
Im not sure how ong t was out there, but
there was a strong wnd yesterday, the knd that
no enveope - rock or no rock - coud survve.
I wat before I open t. Theres no sense n
rushng. Its not gong to go anywhere, athough
I wsh t woud somehow dsappear... eave me
aone... |ust eave me aone.
As I open t I check the enveope. Theres
nothng unusua reay, not reay, except for ts
whteness whch shoud not be f t has been
outsde snce yesterday. It shoud be drty.
I open t. I wat for a pcture of a dead
woman... for more es... es, but theres
nothng. We theres somethng but not what Id
expected. I dont know what to thnk or how to
react, Id magned t and now ts nothng ke
the pctures nsde my head... nothng matches
up...
I am watching you.
Thats what t says.
|ust the one ne... the ony thng t has n
common wth the frst one.
I ook around and there s no one there. So...
he s not watchng me. He cant be; I woud be
abe to see hm... yes? No? Pease...
I pu out the photograph... ts a street. A
street wth budngs stretchng up off the edge
of the page and warpng towards me, a street
wth no peope on t and the sun snkng down
beow the horzon. Its a street.
Its my street.
I rp t down the mdde unt the east sde s
n my rght hand and the west sde s my eft.
Both sdes go nto the trash foowed by the
etter whch I screw nto a tght ba unt Im sure
no one woud be abe to unrave t and see what
hes been sayng.
Peope cant beeve what hes sayng, they
|ust cant. Its not true and I know ts not, |ust
ke I know that the metng pont of magnesum
s sx hundred and forty-eght pont eght four
degrees and that thrty-nne tmes three
hundred and sxty-eght s ten thousand sx
hundred and seventy-two and where the sun w
be at dfferent tmes of the day.
Mathematcay I know Im rght and what
hes sayng s a e. I know that... I know that.
Other peope dont know that... men n suts
coud come and take me away... they dont know
that the metng pont of magnesum s sx
hundred and forty-eght pont eght four degrees
or that thrty-nne tmes three hundred and
sxty-eght s ten thousand sx hundred and
seventy-two and where the sun w be at
dfferent tmes n the day but I do. I do.
I watch the sun now and I know ts tme to go
to work. I dont want to go.
But I have to.
Work s bad. Its not a happy pace. Mo
aways says when you fee bad you shoud go
and fnd a happy pace. Ths s not a happy
pace.
My work shrt tches and stngs my skn unt
Im red raw. Skn shoudnt be red... t shoud be
pnk. Pnk s norma.
Theres a ady at work. She has bg har a
ped on top of her head. Mo says she s a
famy frend. Thats the specfc word he uses.
Frend.
Shes not my frend. I dont ke her and I
dont ke work.
She tes me to do thngs I dont want to do.
She showed me how to stack a the food n
coourfu packagng onto the sheves. I forgot
what she showed me and she got angry because
I ddnt understand. She says I cant take any of
the food home or rp the packagng because ts
new and cost her a ot of money but I do ths
anyway. She never knows.
She aso says that I cant speak to the
customers who come n and gve her money for
the food; she says thats not my |ob. Thats not
what Im pad for but Im not so sure she pays
me at a. Im ony here because Mo sad that I
shoud be.
I am stackng the tns of back pepper that
are bue wth whte dots when she comes over to
te me that Im dong t wrong. Some of the
abes are facng the wrong way so peope
cannot read them. I dont know what back
pepper s but I read the nformaton on the tns
and t doesnt sound ke the sort of thng
anyone shoud want to be buyng. It sounds bad.
She shows me how to do t wth the abes
facng towards me so I can read the back
wrtng on the faded cream background. When
she eaves I dont change what Im dong, I |ust
put them on the sheves n whatever order I fee.
She cant stop me.
Its so oud today. So oud t makes my ears
stng and cry. I used to wear my hat so I coud
pu t down over my ears but the ady wth the
bg har sad that hats werent aowed whst I
am workng. She sad that they are not part of
the unform and that ts not makng her fee
happy. She ddnt say happy... she used a ong
word that I ddnt understand so I ooked t up at
home and t means happy. But the tghtness of
her top doesnt make me fee happy but she st
wears t. I dont ke her. She s not my frend.
Mo says I shoud be nce. I dont want to.
The sun s st hgh n the sky and peopes
shadows outsde are short and fght wth each
other for space. I have a ong tme unt I can go
home and ock my door behnd me.
She wont et me eave eary.
I want to go home.
I sad that to her once and she tod me I was
beng stupd. Im not stupd... yes I am... no...
Shes stupd... Im smart I know thngs... stupd.
Flash
Trva as t may seem I need a new mode,
we, I want a new mode. I need one to teach
hm another esson; he has been destroyng my
fnest work. Never have I produced such a fne
photograph that so captures the femae form n
a of ts curvature and he destroyed t,
dscardng t ke t was of no more of worth than
he s.
I need another form to be forever pared wth
my fourth etter to hm snce I have aready
captured a pece to companon a warnng hm
that hs behavour sha not contnue, I want hm
to rease he cannot persst to actng ke I do not
exst. He must rease that I am n contro, that I
domnate hm and that I am hs reaty. Perhaps I
shoud cast a shadow upon hs door once agan. I
have a thrd etter prepared; he shoud surmse
that I w not et hm escape and that I w know
f he tres. I pray t shoots fear nto that messed-
up mnd of hs and tears hm apart. I can use hs
paranoa that works so wonderfuy n my favour
to show hm that I w not |ust dsappear when
he throws my work n the trash.
Aas, a ths pannng s but meanngess f I
do not have a mode to pose so gracousy for
me. I am on watch constanty for the perfect
woman. Athough t s frequenty more perfect f
she s mperfect. The perfect grs do not excte
me as someone who has har out of pace wth a
smudge of make-up. I can sometmes watch for
hours wthout as much as one woman who woud
charm my camera nto a frenzy of beauty and
wngness. But then... when you thnk a s ost
you fnd the perfect mode, the mperfect
woman.
She s shoppng when I frst ay my eyes on
her. Hurryng between ras of cothes as f they
mght fy away f she does not grab them
qucky. It seems to be that there s no sense n
hurryng, I have a the tme n the word, and so
does she. Her appearance s not so mportant,
ong har, pnk cheeks, vbrant green dress but t
s a surpus as when we are together t s
nothng but skn and bood. I foow her. She has
a husband; ths exctes me as now I w be abe
to torture more than one person wth a mnma
effort, athough I remnd mysef I w never get
anywhere f I am not wng to work for t. A chd
or even chdren woud |ust be the cng on the
cake - ahh, there they are.
It s a fu schoo week for the chdren before
I am confdent enough to eave her for a few
days whst I reman certan he has not tred to
escape me. She does not rease when I eave
and I am not so certan she w notce when I
return. I w deveop the photographs of her as
my own record of our tme together, the days
before she becomes nothng but a means to an
end.
Flash
The sun s out. Its so very brght. So brght
that I cant qute make out how hgh n the sky t
s and the hours n the mdde of the day merge
nto one ong sur.
I thnk I shoud have gone to work agan
today but now Im not so sure, I dont want to
get nto troube but I |ust dont know. You cant
be punshed for somethng you dont know, at
east, I thnk you cant.
When the sunbeam comes through the
wndow I can see a cobweb hangng between the
ght and the wa. Theres no spder but theres
tny eggs, she seems to have eft her perfect
cobweb and eggs a aone to fend for
themseves. I wonder f shes ever comng back
for them? If she rease shes eft them behnd.
They arent safe a aone by that wndow so I
move them nsde carefuy sdng a pate
behnd them and underneath so they dont fa. I
put the pates by the snk, restng one aganst
the wa and one on the unt, perpendcuar to
each other so the web stays fuy formed and the
eggs are safe. I am watchng them so they dont
fee scared and they know someone s there for
them when I hear somethng sde under the
door.
I hde behnd the wa and peer down the
corrdor towards my front door. Theres a whte
enveope on the mat, haf n, haf out, haf of t
penetratng my space, drtyng my home wth ts
es. I know what t s. I dont need to ook.
But, I thnk I want to ook. I want to... maybe.
I move towards t wth my hands outstretched
so to keep my body away from ts ev at a
tmes. I pu t out from underneath the door; ts
creased down the mdde now.
Theres a nose outsde. I wat motoness on
my knees on the mat.
I move my head down t I scratch my cheek
on the foor and peer under door. I cant see
anythng, but that doesnt mean hes not there.
My hand s n a fst and I thnk my toes are
curng somewhere under the weght of my body.
I drop the etter and put my free hand over
my nose and mouth so he cant hear me
breathng, he cant know how cose I am to hm,
he |ust cant.
Theres a ong pause whe Im watng and
hes watng. I st cant see hm but I can fee
hm watng for me to make a move. I can be
brave... I can... I can...
I open the door and stay crouched on the
foor, my whoe body encased wthn the edges
of the mat, not one fbre over the sde.
Theres no one out there.
He eft before I had a chance to open the
door, hes smarter than me.
I craw forwards and examne each drecton
down the outsde corrdor, theres defntey no
one there, theres nothng there. He must have
gone out of the front door, I woud have most
defntey heard hm f he went for the stars,
those stars scream f you step on them.
I cose the door and ock t tght to make sure
he cant come back and nvade my space and
my prvacy. I tug at the hande to make sure ts
ocked tght. It s.
I stay sat wthn the confnes of the mat and
turn the etter over and over n my hands unt
Ive seen both sdes hundreds of tmes. Its
spotess, amost as f he wped t cean before
pushng t under my door and nto my space.
I rp open the top of the whte enveope and
pu out whats nsde. I thnk Im shakng, my eg
sps off the edge of the mat and I have to pu t
back n towards me and t hurts my tendons.
I ook at the etter frst. The nk s much more
faded on ths one, as f the typewrter was
struggng to breathe out ts ast words as fngers
pounded hard onto the keys.
I do not appreciate you destroying my work
Mr. Riley.
It will not do you well to continue.
He knows. He knows what I dd to hs etters;
he knows that theyre n my trash. He knows...
how can he know? How?
I dont ke ths. I bte down on my p unt I
can taste bood. But t doesnt make any
dfference. I dont ke t. I move the etter to one
sde and take the photograph n a at once. It s
dstorted nto a sphere, ts burry but theres no
mstakng the front door of my budng.
I drop the photograph on the foor n front of
me and push mysef back aganst the door. He
was here, he must have been. I was rght. Ths
means I was rght.
I cant |ust st here. I was rght and thats a
good thng. I can do anythng f Im a good
person, thats how t works.
I go to the trash and fsh out the ast two
etters I threw away. They are bured under food
from before today and other thngs I have no use
for. I take them out and ay them on the tabe
and re-arrange them unt I can see the womans
face agan and read the words he sent me. I
dont ke t but I have to do somethng.
Maybe I coud show someone... No... NO... I
scratch aganst my wrst and press down unt
the skn tears off... stupd... dont thnk ke
that... they take you away and put you back n
that pace... no... stupd.
But what can I do? Im no good... I cant do
what other peope do... the not norma peope...
maybe I need to be not norma to... no... hep...
no... I cant he aways sad I cant, I cant do
anythng... I know that... I know.