The Middle Finger of the Misanthrope By: Nathanael Blake I credit my now one-year residence in these pages to my egotism.

I said as much on the application, commenting that I ha e the hu!ris to !elie e that I ought to !e paid to !estow my opinions upon you, the unwashed masses. "nd though the Barometer#s pay is penurious, I en$oy in some measure the !enefits %tanley Baldwin ascri!ed to the press, &the pri ilege of the harlot down the ages -- power without responsi!ility.& "lmost without responsi!ility, anyway. Four notches are car ed into the Forum editor#s desk in the Barometer office, each representing a column of mine cruelly cut from these pages. "pparently, approaching sacred cows while holding a !ottle of !ar!ecue sauce is frowned upon. This editorial interference is no dou!t due to their misunderstanding of my mission in these pages. I#m determined to !e !urned in effigy !efore lea ing this school, and am still holding out hope that a &Nathanael Blake is a Feckless 'rapweasel& student group will !e formed. (nce that e)ists, then I#ll know that I# e offended enough people. *hy this conflation of ego and curmudgeonly animosity toward the world+ The more so!er part of it is attri!uta!le to a phenomenon noted !y ,. -. 'hesterton, &The act of defending any of the cardinal irtues has today all the e)hilaration of a ice.& To support the traditions of *estern ci ili.ation and what T. %. /liot termed the &0ermanent Things& has !ecome the lot of the re!el. 1owe er, I think that another e)planation is also to !e found: I am a misanthrope. My interests in micro!iology and social commentary are closely linked: They !oth in ol e the study of mindless pathogens, in particular the 'hlamydiae and politicians, respecti ely. The reason !ehind my animosity toward the human race is e)plained !y one of my fa orite authors, Florence -ing. In &*ith 'harity Toward None,& she wrote: &%ince the elitist hates the masses, and since the masses make up the ast ma$ority of the human race, the elitist conser ati e is, numerically speaking, a practicing misanthrope.& %ince most other elitists are li!eral, conser ati e elitists like me are cut off from the rest of the world#s wanna-!e aristocrats, lea ing us to nurse our a!horrence of humanity in solitude. This suits us, though, since we fit into society like clea age in a mos2ue. 3nlike our li!eral counterparts, we don#t !elie e in the inherent goodness of humanity. Thus, we spend oursel es in standing athwart history, yelling &%top4& "nd as increasing stupidity is a historical ine ita!ility, is it any wonder that at times we trade the for!idding palm of the "rgonath for the e)tended middle finger+

(f course, there are limits. -ing comments that, &5ike any personality trait, misanthropy is a matter of degree. Taken in the literal sense, the o! ious pro!lem is one of logistics: 1ating the entire human race is hard to do, though a few flinty souls ha e done it.& My own disposition is the opposite of that of 5ucy from &0eanuts,& who said: &I lo e mankind6 it#s people I can#t stand.& In contrast, I# e found that I loathe mankind, !ut I can tolerate and e en like indi iduals. "s %cott "dams noted, three rules go ern humans: 0eople are selfish6 people are stupid6 people are horny. Taken as a whole, the human race is a disgusting lot of ermin. It#s only when I consider them as indi iduals that I can muster any sympathy for them. This is !ecause most of the redeeming 2ualities people possess are found on an indi idual le el, while the negati e ones compound and come to the fore in groups. Furthermore, as I, too, am a human prone to !eing stupid, selfish and horny, it is easier to sympathi.e with and tolerate these flaws when seeing them on a personal le el. This dour outlook on humanity leads naturally to conser atism. The li!eral looks to the future and progress with de out e)pectation. The conser ati e knows that for e ery change that has !een made for the !etter, there ha e !een many more for the worse. "nd while the li!eral looks to the ne)t generation as the hope of mankind, the conser ati e knows that the rising generation is $ust as idiotic as its for!earers, and that it lacks the wisdom !itterly earned through e)perience. "n optimist thinks the glass is half full, the pessimist thinks it#s half empty, the misanthrope knows that it#s !een poisoned. If this seems cynical, remem!er the truth of "m!rose Bierce#s definition of a cynic: &" !lackguard whose faulty ision sees things as they are, not as they ought to !e.& (dd as it may seem, the cynic is often a greater humanitarian than the idealist. &Nothing can !e concei ed more hard than the heart of a thorough!red metaphysician. It comes nearer to the cold malignity of a wicked spirit than to the frailty and passion of a man.& %o o!ser ed the great British statesman /dmund Burke, as he denounced those who would remake mankind to suit their own conceptions. The great catastrophes of the last century, communism and fascism, were the monstrous offspring of a foolish idealism, which ha ing disa owed ,od and his angles, sought to make the state god, and the people angles. They found themsel es rather the creators of the de il and his hell. "gainst the isions of an earthly paradise that the idealist sets !efore the people, the conser ati e must set his con iction that mankind cannot !e redeemed !y human schemes. In short, he must tell people that which they are ill-disposed to heed. "nd those with a keen eye for humanity#s failings are particularly well suited for puncturing the idealist#s delusions with sardonic wit and satire. %o, my fellow egotists, curmudgeons, cynics and misanthropes, $oin the political and culture wars and win one

for the &%onofa!itch.&