Dormouse Speak

Mrs Dormouse was stealing food from the kitchen with her children, when Slats, the cat pounced. Encouraging her children to run, Mrs Dormouse shepherded them towards the mouse hole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. In desperation, she turned to face Slats the cat and shouted 'Bark, Bark' e tremel! loudl!. Slats the cat skidded to a halt, turned and ran awa!. Mrs Dormouse turned to her children and said, '"ou see how important it is to learn a foreign language.' #hat has $% legs, & e!es, ' tails but still cannot see( ' Blind mice.

Clever Pooch Purchases his Own Sausages

) dog owner in *hina sa!s his pet is smart enough to bu! himself sausages when he's hungr!. #u +ianhe, of *hengdu *it!, in *hina, sa!s his pooch, ,ele, barks to let him know he's feeling hungr!. 'I'll drop him one !uan, and he takes the mone! in his mouth and runs to the neighbouring shops, which all know him well,' reports +ianhe. ,ele will not release the mone! until he's been given the sausage, #ill and -u! have established. )nother ama.ing animal stor! to come from *hina.

Writing In Chinese Is Easy Says Sea Lion

/oo keepers have reportedl! trained a sea lion to write in *hinese. Staff at the 0ingbo /oo, in -ao +ian 1illage in Dong +ian ,ake 2esort area ,*hina, spent three months teaching the sea lion, called 3eter, reports 4he 3eople's Dail!.

0ow 3eter can write the *hinese character representing a 5bull5 and he can also sign his work with his own 5sea lion5 seal. )fter completing his writing, 3eter, a si 6!ear6old male, holds the seal and stamps it on the paper as a signature, #ill and -u! have established. 4he .oo has informed us that 3eter will demonstrate his writing skills for tourists during the Spring 7estival at the .oo.

Fabulous an !ma"ing Story o# $onica $eerkat

8ackie Morgan, a nurse from M!n!dd Isa, near Mold, north #ales looked out at her garden and spotted a meerkat Strange !ou ma! well think since the meerkat is found e clusivel! on the semiarid plains of southern )frica. 9owever, #ill and -u! can vouch for the veracit! of this stor! 8ackie Morgan sa!s the )frican animal looked 'rather sorr! for itself, standing upright and shivering in the morning frost.' So she, and husband :eith, 'phoned animal rescue centres, a vet, the #elsh Mountain /oo and *hester /oo, but naturall! no one believed them and most thought it a hoa and suggested it was probabl! a ferret Mrs Morgan set about catching the meerkat which she, b! then, had named Monica. '#e put some nuts out for it so it came in and we captured it in a bo

and took some photos of it to send to the doubting authorities; the! all phoned back sa!ing it was definitel! a meerkat.' She added, '#e've had it sitting on our laps and it followed me around ever!where 6 I think it thinks I'm it's mum.' *hester /oo came to Monica Meerkat's and 8ackie's rescue when it collected the animal before returning her to her rightful owner

%Park &he Dog% ' !n !musing &ale

:err! pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Irish setter had sufficient fresh air when she went shopping. 4he dog was stretched out on the back seat, and :err! wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there. She walked to the curb backwards, pointing her finger at the car and sa!ing emphaticall!, '0ow !ou sta!. Do !ou hear me( Sta!,' in a ver! firm voice. 4he driver of a nearb! car gave :err! a startled look. 'I don't know about !ou, lad!,' he said incredulousl!. 'But I usuall! <ust put m! car in park.'

Cat an &ortoise

#hat did !ou sa!( 3lease give me a ride(

Cream loses its magic ,ittle Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' #h! do !ou do that, Mumm!(' he asked '4o make m!self beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue '#hat's the matter(' asked little Michael, '-iving up(' Charity Begins at Church )fter the church service, seven !ear old Brian said to the preacher= '#hen I grow up, I'm going to give !ou some mone!.' '#ell, thank !ou', the preacher replied, 'but wh!(' 'Because m! dadd! sa!s that !ou're one of the poorest preachers #e've ever had.' The Chase 0icola, eight !ears old, told her parents that David 3arsons had kissed her after lessons. '9ow did that happen(' asked her mother.' It wasn't eas!, 'admitted the !oung lad!, 'but three girls helped me catch him.' Repeat after Me Mrs 8ohnson invited some people over for supper. )t the table, she turned to their seven !ear old daughter Martha and said, '#ould !ou like to sa! the blessing(' 'I wouldn't know what to sa!, 'Martha replied.' 8ust sa! what !ou hear Mumm! sa!, 'Mrs 8ohnson answered. Martha bowed her head and said, ',ord, wh! on earth did I invite all these people to dinner(' Fig Leaves Bobb!, nine, opened the big and old famil! Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenl!, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closel!. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. '9e!, Mum, look what I've found>' Bobb! called out.' #hat have !ou got there, dear(' his mother asked. )stonishment written all over his face, he answered= 'I think it's )dam's suit>' Road Hog

?ne da! I was driving with m! five !ear old daughter )lice and I honked m! car horn b! mistake. )lice turned and looked at me for an e planation.

I said, 'I did that b! accident'. )lice replied, 'I know that, Dadd!'. I replied, '9ow did !ou know(' She said, 'Because !ou didn't sa! 'IDI?4' afterwards' Home Alone ?ur new neighbour asked the 9annah, aged @ and who lived ne t door if she had an! brothers and sisters. She replied, '0o, I'm the lonel! child.'

Warning #or Chil ren

One Way to E(plain the Wor )$arriage) to a Chil

*laire was a t!pical three !ear old= prett!, friendl!, cute, inAuisitive, and bright as a si pence. 9owever, one da!, *laire showed some difficult! in grasping the concept of marriage. 2obert, her father, thought the best wa! to teach her was to show her his wedding photo album believing that visual images would help *laire's understanding. ?ne page after another, he pointed out photographs of the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the actual wedding ceremon!, the signing of the licence and the reception afterwards. '0ow do !ou understand, darling(' 2obert enAuired smiling. 'I think so,' responded *laire dutifull!, 'and is that when mumm! came to work for us(' ?ut of the mouths ....

Out o# the $outh o# *abes

4eacher= Maria, go to the map and find 0orth )merica. M)2I)= 9ere it is. 4eacher= *orrect. 0ow class, who discovered )merica( *,)SS= Maria. 4eacher= #h! are !ou late, 7rank( 72)0:= Because of the sign.. 4eacher= #hat sign( 72)0:= 4he one that sa!s, 'School )head, -o Slow.'

4eacher= 8ohn, wh! are !ou doing !our math multiplication on the floor( 8?90= "ou told me to do it without using tables. 4eacher= -lenn, how do !ou spell ' crocodile(' -,E00= :626?6:6?6D6I6)6,' 4eacher= 0o, that's wrong -,E00= Ma!be it is wrong, but !ou asked me how I spell it. 4eacher= Donald, what is the chemical formula for water( D?0),D= 9 I 8 : , M 0 ?. 4eacher= #hat are !ou talking about( D?0),D= "esterda! !ou said it's 9 to ?. 4eacher= #innie, name one important thing we have toda! that we didn't have ten !ears ago. #I00IE= Me> 4eacher= -len, wh! do !ou alwa!s get so dirt!( -,E0= #ell, I'm a lot closer to the ground than !ou are. 4eacher= Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.' MI,,IE= I is... 4eacher= 0o, Millie..... )lwa!s sa!, 'I am.' MI,,IE= )ll right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 4eacher= 0ow, Simon, tell me frankl!, do !ou sa! pra!ers before eating( SIM?0= 0o sir, I don't have to. M! Mom is a good cook.

$ore +tterances,,,Out o# the $outh o# *abes

4eacher= *l!de, !our composition on 'M! Dog' is e actl! the same as !our brother's. Did !ou cop! his( *,"DE= 0o, teacher, it's the same dog. 4eacher= -eorge #ashington not onl! chopped down his father's cherr! tree, but also admitted it. 0ow, ,ouie, do !ou know wh! his father didn't punish him( ,?BIS= Because -eorge still had the a e in his hand. 4eacher= 9arold, what do !ou call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested( 9)2?,D= ) teacher.

Chil )s Letters to -o

Dear -od, I went to this wedding and the! kissed right in church. Is that ?:.

! ?ate!.

#hat swings from a trape.e and miaows( )n acrocat.

9ow can !ou tell if a chicken likes !ou( It gives !ou a peck on the cheek.

Ever! dog has its da!, onl! a dog with a broken tail has a weak6end.

8oe= ,ast night the lion6tamer at the circus was attacked b! his lions. Brian= #as he clawed( 8oe= I don't know what is name was.

) man walked into a pet shop and said, 'I'd like a pupp! for m! son.' 'Sorr! sir,' said the store owner, 'we don't do part e change.'

4wo dogs were walking along the road. ?ne dog stopped and said= 5M! name is 7ido. #hat's !ours( 4he other dog thought for a minute, and then replied= 5I think it's Down Bo!.5

) women was considering bu!ing an aging 4horoughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finali.ing her deal. She asked when the vet had completed his e amination 6 5#ill I be able to race him(5 4he veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. 5Sure5 he replied, 5and !ou'll probabl! win>5

) man was walking through a cemeter! one dark and storm! night. )s he got well into the cemeter!, he heard a voice sa!, 5Mark> Mark>5. 3retending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. )gain the voice said, 5Mark> Mark>5. 4hat did it. 9e took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. )s he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

) vampire bat comes back to his fellow vampires with a blood on his mouth. 4he! stare at him <ealousl! and ask him where he got the blood. 9e asks them, 5Did !ou see that tree back there(5 5Sure,5 the! repl!. 5#ell I didn't>5 I think animal testing is a terrible idea the! get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

0othing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.

M! dog is a nuisance. 9e chases ever!one on a bic!cle. #hat can I do( 4ake his bike awa!.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. )fter hours of effort he reached the top, <umped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. )fter recovering, he slowl! climbed the tree again, <umped, and fell to the ground. 4he turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. 7inall!, the female bird turned to her mate. 5Dear,5 she chirped, 5I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.5

4his gu! sees a sign in front of a house 54alking Dog for Sale.5 9e rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back !ard. 4he gu! goes into the back !ard and sees a mutt sitting there. 5"ou talk(5 he asks. 5"ep,5 the mutt replies. 5So, what's !our stor!(5 4he mutt looks up and sa!s 5#ell, I discovered this gift prett! !oung and I wanted to help the government, so I told the *I) about m! gift, and in no time the! had me <etting from countr! to countr!, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight !ears running. 4he <etting around reall! tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting an! !ounger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a <ob at the airport to do some undercover securit! work, mostl! wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. 9ad a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm <ust retired. 54he gu! is ama.ed. 9e goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. 4he owner sa!s 54en dollars.5 4he gu! sa!s he'll bu! him but asks the owner, 54his dog is ama.ing. #h! on earth are !ou selling him(5 4he owner replies, 59e's such a liar.5

) local business was looking for office help. 4he! put a sign in the window, stating the following= 59E,3 #)04ED. Must be able to t!pe, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. #e are an EAual ?pportunit! Emplo!er.5 ) short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. 9e looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. -etting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. 4he office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to sa! the least. 9owever, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog <umped up on the chair and stared at the manager. 4he manager said 5I can't hire !ou. 4he sign sa!s !ou have to be able to t!pe.5 4he dog <umped down, went to the t!pewriter and proceeded to t!pe out a perfect letter. 9e took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then <umped back on the chair. 4he manager was stunned, but then told the dog 5the sign sa!s !ou have to be good with a computer.5 4he dog <umped down again and went to the computer. 4he dog proceeded to enter and e ecute a perfect program, that worked flawlessl! the first time. B! this time the manager was totall! dumb6founded> 9e looked at the dog and said 5I reali.e that !ou are a ver! intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. 9owever, I CstillC can't give !ou the <ob.5 4he dog <umped down and went to a cop! of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an EAual ?pportunit! Emplo!er. 4he manager said 5!es, but the sign CalsoC sa!s that !ou have to be bilingual.5 4he dog looked at the manager calml! and said, 5Meow>5

)dvert in a newspaper= Big dog for sale, eats an!thing 6 fond of children.

) man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar. Man= I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo.

Bartender= #hat's a Matabooboo( Bear= 0uttin' "ogi.

"esterda! I was driving around in the countr!, got thirst! and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orders a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that a horse orders a coffee. 5"es5, the man said, 51er! strange, indeed. 0ormall! it drinks a pint of beer.5

) cit! slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas station to fill up. -oing into the station to pa! he sees a man pla!ing checkers with a dog. 5Btterl! fantastic5, he gasps, 5a dog who pla!s checkers. "ou could take him to the cit! and make piles of mone! with him.5 )fter his ne t move the man looks up and sa!s , 5)wh, he ain't so smart. I can beat him two times out of three.5

)n infant rabbit was orphaned. 7ortunatel! though, a famil! of sAuirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. 4his adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendenc! for it to eschew <umping but rather to embrace running around like its step6siblings. )s the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identit! crisis. It went to its step6parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step6siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generall! forlorn. 4heir response was, 5Don't scurr!, be hopp!.5

) man is driving his car along a lonel! countr! road when suddenl! grinds to a halt. 4he driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenl! he hears a voice. 54he left hand carburettor is blocked, wh! don't !ou drain it and the muck should come out too5. 9e turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. 5Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor5, sa!s the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. )gain the voice tells him what to do and he suddenl! realises that the horse is giving him instructions. 4oo shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. 9e drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. 4hen he sa!s to the barman, 5M! car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it5. 4he barman looks at him and sa!s, 5#as it a black one(5 5"es.5 5I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars.5

4his big, brawn!, dark6skinned ,atin gu! walks into a bar. ?n his shoulder is a beautiful blue6and6 red parrot. 4he bartender sa!s, admiringl! 54hat's beautiful where'd !ou get it(5 and the parrot sa!s 5Down in Me ico there's millions of 'em>5
Submitted b! = Simon 7

) polar bear walks in to a bar and sa!s to the barman. 5I'll have a -in and....................................................................tonic.5 5#h! the big pause(5 replies the barman. the 3olar bear looks down at this hands and sa!s 5#hat do !ou mean, I've alwa!s had them.5
Submitted b! = 8ohnn! 9arrold

) petrol attendent is filling a man's car, when he notices that a small penguin was sitting in the back seat. 4he attendant turns to the man and asks what the deal is with the penguin. 5#ell5 the man sa!s. 5I found the little gu! a few weeks ago wandering around looking sad. I've been going cra.! thinking of things I can do for him.5 54here's a .oo <ust down the road,5 replies the attendant. 5#h! don't !ou take him there5. 4he man thanks the attendant, pa!s, and drives off to the .oo. ) few da!s later the man pulls up to the petrol station and again is met b! the attendant who notices that the penguin is still in the back of the car. 5I thought !ou were taking him to the .oo5 asks the attendant. 5I did thanks5 answers the man. 59e loved it, so I'm taking him to the beach toda!5.
Submitted b! = 8ohnn! 9arrold

) violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the )frican <ungle to prove it. 0o sooner had he begun to pla! than the <ungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him pla!. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants 6 all stood around, entranced b! his

beautiful music. 8ust then, a crocodile crept out of a nearb! river and into the clearing, and 6 snap>6 gobbled up the violinist. 4he other animals were e tremel! angr!. 5#hat on earth did !ou do that for(5 the! demanded. 5Eh(5 said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

) giant panda went into a cafe and ordered a cheeseburger. It sat there Auietl! eating the cheeseburger, then it got up, took out a gun, shot the waiter, and walked outside. 5Did !ou see that(5 e claimed a customer. 5#h! did he do that(5 he asked the manager. 4he manager looked up from the book he was leafing through. 5I'm looking it up in the dictionar!,5 he replied. 5It sa!s here= 53anda, eats shoots and leaves.5

4he duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this ama.ing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his ne t hunting trip. Sa!ing nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. 50otice an!thing(5 the owner asked eagerl!. 5"es,5 said his friend, 5I see that fool dog of !ours can't swim.5

4here once was ' fo es. % of them were clever, the other one was stupid. ?ne da! the! were stranded in a desert when the! saw a little shop. 4he! went inside and the % clever fo es bought food and water and the stupid one bought a car door. #hen the! asked him wh! he bought it, he said, 'so that I can wind down the window when it gets hot.'

If !our cow sounds like this, bake it and eat it 5moo,moo5. If !our cow sounds like this I would take the fish 5Moo ahhh,moo moo ahhh5.

+= #hat do !ou call a cow that is la!ing on a barn floor( )= -round Beef
Submitted b! = 4ar!n Marie ?'Brien

+=#hat do !ou call a mad cow( )=mad cow

Submitted b! = :at! )mber Salomone age = D

) frog telephoned the 3s!chic 9ot line and was told, 5"ou are going to meet a beautiful, !oung woman who will want to know ever!thing about !ou.5 4he frog said, 54hat's great> #ill I meet her at a part!(5 50o,5 said the ps!chic. 50e t term66in her biolog! class.5

I think animal testing is a terrible idea the! get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

,ate one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empt!. 9e tiptoed through the living room but suddenl! he fro.e in his tracks when he heard a loud voice sa!, 58esus is watching !ou>5 Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward. 58esus is watching !ou,5 the voice boomed again. 4he frightened burglar stopped dead. 7ranticall!, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. 9e asked the parrot, 5#as that !ou who said 8esus is watching me(5 5"es5, replied the parrot. 4he burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, 5#hat's !our name(5 5*larence,5 said the bird. 54hat's a dumb name for a parrot,5 sneered the burglar. 5#hat idiot named !ou *larence(5 4he parrot said, 54he same idiot who named the doberman 8esus.5

Bab! snake= Momm!, are we poisonous( Mother snake= "es hone!, but wh! do !ou want to know( Bab! snake= #ell, I <ust bit m! tongue...

) man was walking down the street with a bab! ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. 5I <ust bought this ape as a pet. #e have no children so he's going to live with us 6 <ust like one of the famil!. 9e'll eat at the same table with us. 9e'll even sleep in the same bed with me and m! wife.5 5But what about the smell(5 the friend asked. 5?h, he'll <ust have to get used to it, the same wa! I did.5

) woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two ad<acent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. )ll through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, !elping happil! at the funn! parts. )t the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. 5I <ust can't get over how much !our dog en<o!ed the movie,5 she said. 5It surprises me too,5 the man answered, 59e absolutel! despised the book.5

) man's car suddenl! stopped dead when he was driving down the middle of a countr! lane. 9e stepped out of the car and looked inside the bonnet to see if he could fi it. )fter a while a horse ambled up beside him, had a look at the car and said= '"our trouble is probabl! in the carburettor.' 4he man was so ama.ed that he ran down the road until he met the farmer walking towards him. 9e stopped the farmer and told him e actl! what had happened. 'Did the horse have a white patch in the middle of his forehead(' asked the farmer. '"es, !es>' cried the motorist. 'Don't pa! an! attention, then,' said the farmer, 'that was onl! old Dobbin and he doesn't know a thing about cars. '

) circus trainer was riding his horse around the circus ring when a little dog <umped into the ring and shouted= '9ello, there>' '9ello,' replied the surprised trainer, 'I didn't know that dogs could talk.' 9is horse turned his head and said= '"ou learn something new ever! da!, don't !ou('

4he thunder god went for a ride on his favourite horse, 'I'm 4hor' he cried. 4he horse replied= '"ou forgot the thaddle, thill!.'

'#ould !ou rather a lion ate !ou or a gorilla(' 'I would rather the lion ate the gorilla.'

) duck walks into a bar and sa!s to the bartender, have !ou got an! bread( 4he bartender replies no, we onl! sell beer here, so the ducks walks out. 9e walks in the ne t da! and sa!s to the bartender, have !ou got an! bread( 4he bartender sa!s, I told !ou !esterda!, we onl! sell beer, so the ducks walks out. 9e walks back in the ne t da! and sa!s to the bartender, got an! bread( the bartender sa!s, if u come in here tomorrow asking for bread I'll nail !our beak to the bar, so the duck walks out. 9e walks in the ne t da! and sa!s to the bartender, got an! nails( 0o he sa!s, got an! bread(
Submitted b! = #elsh Matthew

#hat do !ou call a cow that <ust had a calf( Decalfinated>

#hat do call a steer without legs( -round Beef>

) man was out for a walk one da! and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangel!, he saw a pig with a wooden leg> 4his intrigued him so much he found the farmer and Aui..ed him about it. 54his be no ordinar! pig5 said the farmer. 57or e ample, onl! two da!s ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was awa! from the farm. 4he pig noticed this and immediatel! went and let all the chickens out into the !ard. 9e then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until the! arrived>5 5)nd a few weeks ago, I was driving m! tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned 6 knocking me unconscious> 4he pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab <ust before it set on fire.5 4he farmer was <ust about to launch into another tale when the man said 5"es !es, but what about the wooden leg(5 5#ell5 said the farmer 5when !ou've got an pig as good as that, !ou don't eat it all at once>5

4hree animals were having a huge argument over who was the best= 4he first, a hawk, claimed that because of his abilit! to fl!, he could attack an!thing repeatedl! from above, and his pre! had nar! a chance. 4he second, a lion, based his claim on his strength666none in the forest dared to challenge him. 4he third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off an! creature. )s the trio debated the issue, a gri..l! bear came along and swallowed them all= hawk, lion and stinker> Doctor= I will e amine !ou for twent! dollars. 3atient= -o ahead Doctor. If !ou find it !ou can have it.

3atient= Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing frogs in front of m! e!es. Doctor= Don't worr!, it's onl! a hoptical illusion.

Doctor, doctor. Ever! time I stand up Auickl!, I see Micke! Mouse, Donald Duck and -oof!. ?k, how long have !ou been having these Disne! spells(

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a $E Dollar note #ell go and bu! something then, the change will do !ou good.

Doctor, doctor, I think I've gone a funn! color. 0onsense, it's <ust a pigment of !our imagination.

Doctor, doctor, I keep stealing things. 9ave !ou taken an!thing for it(

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future. #hen did this first happen( 0e t 4uesda!.

Children
#h! was the elephant wearing pink tennis shoes( 4he! didn't have white ones in his si.e.

Does an elephant ever forget( ?nl! if !ou lend him mone!.

9ow can !ou tell if there is an elephant in !our sandwich( It's too heav! to lift.

#h! were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool( 4he! couldn't keep their trunks up.

#h! did the elephants leave the circus( 4he! were tired of working for peanuts.

#h! do elephants have trunks( Because the! don't have glove compartments.

9ow can !ou tell if an elephant has been sleeping in !our bed( 4he bed smells of peanuts and the sheets are wrinkled.

Did !ou hear about the elephant with diarrhea( It's all over town.

9ow do !ou make a dead elephant float( #ell, !ou take $E dead elephants, $E tonnes of chocolate ice6cream, F tonnes of bananas,.....

+= #h! don't elephants like penguins( )= 4he! can't get the wrapper off.G4oo whom it ma! concern= 3enguins are a brand of cookiesH. += 9ow do !ou know if there is an elephant under !our bed( )= "our nose is touching the ceiling.

+= 9ow does an elephant get down from a tree( )= It doesn't, "ou get down from a duck.

+= #h! are elephants wrinkled( )= 9ave !ou ever tried to iron one(

+= #h! are elephants large, gre! and wrinkled( )= Because if the! were small, white and smooth the!'d be asprins.

9ow can !ou tell if an elephant been in the refrigerator( B! the footprints in the butter.

9ow do !ou make an elephant stew( :eep him waiting a couple of hours.

) fool6proof method for sculpting an elephant= first, get a huge block of marble then !ou chip awa! ever!thing that doesn't look like an elephant.

#hat should !ou give a seasick elephant( ) lot of room...

#hat did the traffic light sa! to the car( Don't look, I'm changing.

9ow do !ou catch a sAuirrel( *limb up a tree and act like a nut.

4eacher= -ive me a sentence with the word 'anal!.e' in it. 3upil= M! sister )nna lies in bed until nine o'clock.

#hich soldiers smell of salt and pepper( Seasoned troopers.

#hat do !ou call a nervous witch( a twitch.

#hat do !ou call a girl with the 4itanic on her head( Mand! lifeboats.

#ho was the first underwater sp!( 8ames 3ond.

#hat has webbed feet and fangs( *ount +uackula.

#hat dog smells of onions( ) hot dog.