Infection & Therapeutics Bull

Feb 2007 - Volume 950/Issue 45

Gonorrhea Lectim
New Disease Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced GONNA RE-ELECT 'IM - as with a Bob Marley type accent)
The Caribbean Center for Disease Control (CCDC) has issued a serious health warning about a virulent variety
Health warning of this Sexually Transmitted Disease discovered in the banana republic of Trinidad and Tobago. The self-
propagating and chronic nature of this condition is devastating and is not to be underestimated.
Gonorrhea Lectim is commonly referred to as 'Patrick's Blight' or simply "having the Mannings". There was a
Brief description serious outbreak in 2002. However, there is some suggestion the disease first visited Trinidad & Tobago in the
1960's and mutated to its more recent virulent form.
It is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour. Victims contract it as a result of being screwed. In
Mode of infection & turn they develop an obsessional dependence on being chronically and deeply
p ly screwed. A dangerous effect also
psychosocial impact leads sufferers to seek out and screw any moving object. Victims screww oothers
t hers and are screwed repeatedly for
many many years. As a result the disease perpetuates itself.
The disease has protean manifestations, however, common
mmon ccore
o re ffeatures
eat ur are seen below
Cognitive symptoms Physical
P hysicall ssymptoms
ym

i. anti-social personality disorders, i. eextreme flatulence and other symptoms

ii. delusions of grandeur with m messianic
essiaan ic that could be confused with irritable
overtones, bowel syndrome.
iii. extreme cognitive dissonance, ii. halitosis
iv. inability to incorporate new information, on, iii. drooling or foaming at the mouth
v. pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, noiia, iv. waving arms wildly about when speaking
vi. inability to accept responsibilityy fo fforr oown
w n ac
actions,
action
ons, and pointing at people with a threatening
vii. cowardice masked by misplaced acedd bbravado,
ace ravado,
do, posture.
Core Symptomatology
viii. uncontrolled facial smirking, ing
ng, aand
nd cconstantly
onsstantl
on n referring to v. screwing others
oneself in the 3rd person, on,
ix. ignorance of geography phyy and hi
ph history,
istotory, especially involving
places such as "Mucurapo," urrapo ," "Va
"Valencia,"
alen and "Caroni"
x. tendencies towards war evangelical
ngeelica
ng call ttheocracy,
xi. categorical aall-or-nothing
ll-o r-no behaviour.
beh
xii. a tendency cy ttoo sp
speak
pea
eak in
i tongues - especially Spanish.
xiii. frequent
ent trips
rip s ttoo ddistant
is t lands - especially Cuba and
Africa
riica

The
he llatest
atest elec
electron microscopy and immunophosphorescence studies have failed to detect a biological agent.
Research &
This hhas
as ca
caused major international concern. Unfortunately a few researchers were 'infected' and developed the
International concern
'Mannings'.
ng Unpredictably they produced a development plan for a TT$ 800M sports stadium.
1. Actually living in Trinidad & Tobago
2. History of living in Trinidad & Tobago for more than >10 years after 1962.
Predisposing & 3. Familial tendencies to getting screwed.
Vulnerability factors 4. Ambivalence about the 'Mannings'.
5. Multiple Personality Disorder - commonly known as 'two-facedness'.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated and are at a loss as to how
to halt its spread. CCDC warns that Gonorrhea Lectim shares certain features with 'mad cow disease'. CCDC
predictions point to a possible major outbreak sometime between 2006-7. Whilst there is no known cure for the
Treatment &
disease there is hope that the disease will become dormant after that. At the moment this disease is considered as
Prevention
serious as spongiform encephalopathies and ebola. As there is no known cure intervention is limited to
prevention. Such strategies are limited to reducing vulnerability factors and public education. Chastity devices
are not recommended as these can cause more serious problems, beyond the scope of this bulletin.

ITB - Gonorrhea Lectim - Feb 2007 - Volume 950/Issue 45