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Change Your Story, Change Your Perception, Change Your Life

We all get caught up in our stories. Most of us think we are our stories. Its when those stories take on a life of their own, and that life isnt the one we want, that things start to suck. Think about the story youre living right now. Who wrote it? Did you consciously decide to create the reality youre living now, or was it mainly shaped by your parents, friends, spouse, school, or the media? If you dont like the story your living, then change the perception. Envision how youd write the next chapter of your story. Better yet, actually sit down and write it. Focus your perception on creating a new reality, one where you are in charge of the story. Take back the job as screenwriter and director, and stop just being an actor Everything begins with a decision decide now to be in charge of your own perception of reality. Decide now to create the life you want to live.

Personal empowerment begins when we hold true that we are able Coaching empowerment begins when we hold true that our clients are able

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Activities to be undertaken include prior to initial session include: Welcome letter Agreement documentation About You questionnaire What is Life Coaching Code of Conduct

Ongoing sessions: Coaching Preparation form Wheel of Life What is Draining You Gerard ODonovan Priority List Gerard ODonovan Coaching Toolkit

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ssue
This is where we loosely discuss what has been going on for the client and find out if they have anything specific they want to work on. Establishing the issue or topic often blends into the Goal and Reality parts of the model, but getting an issue up front -- even a loose one -- is the starting point for any coaching session to unfold. If this is the first session with this client, there will be information contained within the About You questionnaire that you can enquire about such as:

FIRST Session: How did you feel about completing the questionnaire? Were there any areas that were more challenging for you to answer than others? Tell me a little bit more about that. What has been working for you? What hasn't been working for you? How are you looking at your life? How are you feeling about others?

If the client is unsure of what they would like to address in this session then it's time to:

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One way of exploring is to take a 5 minute holiday. Ask your client to place their feet on the floor, uncross their arms, and to take a couple of deep breaths breathing out slowly. Once they have centered themselves, ask the following 6 questions which they can either think about or write down the answers. A 5 minute holiday can be used for FIRST or ONGOING sessions:

Have you unfinished tasks you dwell upon? What are you worried about? What have you been meaning to take care of? Are you concerned about something in the future? Has someone made you angry? Is there someone you should forgive? How did you feel about your 5 minute holiday? Thinking about what youve just identified, is there an area you would like to talk about further?

ONGOING Sessions:
A good model to use for this enquiry is the EARS model which focuses on the positive outcomes from previous sessions and helps to get the meeting off to a strong start (Bring Out Their Best Natalie Ashdown)

ELICIT - finding out whats happened since you last saw your client,
emphasizing the positive.

AMPLIFY - amplifying or emphasing the positive and gaining more detail. REFLECT assist your client to reflect on what has happened. START OVER assist your client to build on their achievements and
introduces the new session.

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E So what has been happening since our last session? A Really, you did all that? What else? Then what happened? Congratulations! R So what has changed? And how do you feel now? What did you learn? Have you made any new choices or decisions? What have you done that you are really proud of. How does that make you feel? S So where do you want to go from here? So how would you like to build upon your achievements? Can you tell me more?

Need more information to clarify exactly what the goal is that your client
is talking about?

Tell me a little bit more about that?

The information being provided is too general (abstract) OR too detailed (caught up in the details) to be able to clarify a goal

Too abstract?
Use your hand to provide a visual cue to the client. Starting at a high point, bring you hand down to a central point:

What specifically are you wanting to achieve?

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Too much detail? Whats the positive learnings that you can take from what youve just been talking about?

Using your hand to provide a visual cue to the client, start at a low point and bring you hand up to a central point:

What is the first step you are wanting to achieve?

If the client answers a question with a story or a different topic, say you understand and ask the question again. Using this model as a structure, you will be able to add other effective questions to the model to get a better result. For example:

Curiosity questions Incisive questions Laser questions

as well as the more standard open questions. Examples of different styles of questions are shown on pages 12 to 14)

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Establishing the ISSUE on which the client wishes to be coached

1. Please tell me the issue you want to work on 2. Can you say it in one sentence so you can keep it easily in your mind?
Negative statement? Ask them to convert it to a positive goal. Neutral statement? Ask them to put it into a clear statement so it becomes a goal

3. What do you want to achieve in this session? The first step on the road to achieving your ultimate goal.

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oal
Establishing the Goal 4.

Think about your issue and, in your minds eye, go forward in time to when the issue is as you want it to be. (give time for the
client to think about the issue)

5. What do you see that show you have solved the problem or achieved the goal? 6. What are you doing that shows you have achieved your goal? 7. What are other people doing or saying that tells you that you have succeeded in this issue? 8. How do you feel? 9. When do you want to be in this position the one you can see in your minds eye? You must have a timeframe in mind. Next week? Next month? Next year? In 5 years time?
(Timeframe must be realistic. If they have a big goal and a long timeframe, you might want to focus on a part of the goal in a shorter timeframe)

10. How challenging will it be to achieve this goal? 11. How exciting will it be to achieve this goal? 12. How will you know that you have achieved your goal? Is there a measure you can use? 13. Is there any other measure? 14. Where do you have control or influence with regard to this goal?
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Establishing the client's goal for the session is essential. One of the things that makes coaching different is our focus on action and change. But, if you don't have a goal for a session -- how do you keep your client on track? How can you make sure the client gets value from their session with you? A session goal allows us to keep the client focused, then if the session drifts it gives us the ability to say,

We seem to be heading in a different direction here, is this what you want?

This tactic can be especially helpful if you have a client that likes to tell stories or get into drama. The session goal doesn't have to be specific or 'SMART', but it does need to be enough to give the session a purpose that is understood by both the client and the coach. For example, a session goal might be to establish a bigger goal or to gain some clarity in their lives and this is good enough to keep the client on track. Finally, the goal doesn't have to be agreed right up front -- it can be established and 'evolved' as the session unfolds. Occasionally the 'real' goal of the session doesn't come out until the end when we ask our clients what their biggest win of the session was. This is when the client realizes their 'goal' for the session was simply to feel truly heard, to commit to themselves or to feel challenged and/or supported. In making sure the client understands 1) what they want to get out of the session or 2) what they got out of the session on reflection we ensure the client knows they're receiving value from coaching, and that they continue to learn and grow. Questions are for opening up horizons and getting the client to think. In this context, these are the questions to remember. Commence questions with What Where When How

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eality
This is about understanding the client's current situation. It's where we question, challenge, reframe and reflect back to our client what they've done so far, and where we examine what's worked and what hasn't. This is where we really get into where the client is right now and why. It should include talking about feelings and digging into emotions and intuition -- often new or uncharted frontiers for our clients. The Reality section is the 'meat' of any coaching session where you ask questions, reflect and raise your client's awareness around their priorities and limiting beliefs -- so they have insights and learn about themselves.

At this stage, we have identified a goal and a timeframe so lets now have a look at your current situation (your current reality): Do I have your permission to continue? What is happening now that tells you that you have an issue or a problem? As well as what is happening, what is missing from your Reality that you would like to have? What is happening now that is good and you want to keep happening as it will contribute towards achieving your goal? What are you doing right or that you feel good about that is giving you these results?

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What have you done so far to improve things? What were the results you got from doing (detail what is being done) ? How did the results compare with what you hoped for? What obstacles are in your way that prevent or hinder you from moving forward?

Let us just check in and think back to your goal for a minute. Is it still relevant? Should you focus on one part of it rather than all of it right now? Should you change any of it? (Positive and in the present)
.. The types of questions that can be used include: Laser questions Makes specific requests / challenges / moves forward more dramatically. Examples include: When is the last time you felt this way? When will this be complete for you? What are you not saying? Who comes first What is missing here? Who has the answer? How long are you willing for this to continue Where do you feel that in your body right now? Do you really believe that? What is the worst thing that could happen? What would happen if you did nothing?

Incisive questions Checks in on a feeling or state / Removes limitations / poses a possibility. Examples include: If you knew you could do it, what would be the first step? If you werent holding anything back, what would you be doing?

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If you 50% more confidence in yourself, what would you be doing what would be different? What do you want to accomplish in your life?

Prompting / transformative questions - Examples include: Question what the client means (and what they think they mean) Do you really believe that? How do you know that? Are you sure? Why is that?

Ask the client who they are being Who would you have to be to get through this well? How proud of yourself are you now? Is that really YOU? Who do you remind yourself of?

Test whether the client is in Integrity Are you a person of your word? Where is your life out of balance? How would you feel it? Where are you sabotaging yourself?

Help the client to solve their own problems How do you intend to handle that? Who do you know whos got through that the way you want to? What is the first step? If you were the coach, how would you coach yourself to win here?

Prompt the client into action What is next? When will do you that? What are the steps to (provide details)

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Encourage the client to stop tolerating Isnt there another way? What are you tolerating? How much longer can you continue to live this way? How much is this costing you?

Encourage the client to gain fresh perspective Can you see what is ahead? Five years from now, what will have been the better decision? What will happen if you keep doing that for the next 10 years? Who told you that?

Remind clients of their vision What is your vision for yourself and the people around you? What do you really want? Is there a legacy you wish to leave? What are you really committed to underneath all of this?

Challenge the client for more What are you committed to? So, what is possible here? How soon can you resolve that? Is this really in your best interest?

When the client is stuck: Is it okay if I make a comment? May I share the best of my thinking on that? May I push you a bit here? Should we reschedule this call?

Challenge Assumptions: Where is the evidence?

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"Good questions come from effective listening," she says. "The coach has to analyse, personalise, contextualise, then ask the question." McMahon gives an example. "If someone says they want to be x, the question to ask them is: if you were x, what would you be doing that you are not doing now?" she says. "And how would other people notice the difference?"
http://www.personneltoday.com/articles/2009/02/19/49435/coaching-questions-ask-the-rightquestions.html

Keep checking in with your client: Are you okay with this? Are you happy to continue? What else would you like to add?

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ptions
If the client could solve their problems alone they would have done. Often what they need from their coach is a push, or some support to take an action they have been putting off. Or they may need some help brainstorming or tweaking to find an action that truly works -- something they can commit to 100 percent. A good dig around in the 'Options' to find actions that really work for our clients pays huge dividends in moving our clients forward.

Now that we have a goal identified, we are going to consider all the options available. This is more about what could be done, not necessarily what you will do. Its really a bit of fun to see what possibilities there are. In the workplace wed call this brainstorming so throw out everything you can think of and dont hold anything back. What could you do to move yourself just one step forward? Think of as many things that you could do as possible. No limits at all. What could you do if you didnt have to explain it or be answerable to anyone? What could you do if money was unlimited? What if you could devote all your time to this one thing? What would you do then? What could you do if you knew there were no adverse consequences?

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If you knew someone who had already achieved this and dealt with this issue, what might they suggest? If you secretly know what you should do first, what would it be?

Okaynow Id like you to choose one of these options. Choose one that will move you forward, even if just one step. It doesnt matter which one it is entirely up to you. This step is about choosing one action that will take you one step closer to your goal. Now lets talk about the option you have chosen. Will this option move you closer to your goal? What is the benefit of you doing this one thing? (there must be a benefit)

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ay forward
The essence of coaching is change -- some sort of action -- even if the action is to change the way they do something, to stop doing something or even do nothing! Ensure every client leaves their session committed to at least ONE action otherwise the session would simply be a conversation. And while a conversation can be helpful -- nothing changes in our clients' lives unless they make some changes. This part of the session changes an idea into an action.

By when do you want to have done this one (or more if relevant) thing that you have chosen? What will you do? List the actions you must go through to complete (detail what is being completed) what you have chosen to do. Should anyone else be involved in this list of things you are going to do?
If YES: o What do you want this person (or these people) yo do? o When will you ask them?

YES:

What do you want or these people to oo Should asking them be this your person first step?
o Should preparing notes for telling them be your first step?

do?

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Should anyone else know that you will be doing these things?
If YES: o o o o When will you tell them? Should telling them be your first step? Should preparing notes for telling them be your first step When will you have the notes ready?

Are there any other resources you need to achieve this?

If YES: o When and how can you get these resources and obtain commitment for these resources?

Apart from the resources we just talked about, do you have any other resources available to you? This next step (repeat what it is) can you think of anything that might stop you from doing it? How likely is it to stop you?
If YES: o What will you do to stop it from stopping you?

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Earlier you decided when you would complete this first step (detail timeframe). Is that timeframe still valid? What else could you do to make this work? Is there anything else you need to consider before you begin this first step? In your own words, would you please confirm for me exactly what you have agreed to do and the timeframes you have applied to this first (or next) step. Now I would ask you to write the details of this first (or next) step and timeframes into your diary.

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Naildown:
Using a scale of 1 to 10, please answer these last 3 questions: 1 = definitely will not or could not be lower 10 = definitely will or could not be higher

How strong is your intention to take this first step? How high is your enthusiasm for taking this first step? How strong is your commitment to taking this first step?
Experience tells us that a score of 7 or below on intention and commitment means it will not get done. If they score 7 or less, as them what has to happen for them to raise that score? Perhaps this is where their first step should be.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

W - can also be WHAT do you need from me? Ask this question to find out what they need from you over the next week to support them. W - also stands for WIN. As mentioned under 'Goal', always ask some variation of this question at the end of your sessions "What was your biggest win of the session today?" This can also be achieved through the client completing the Coaching Preparation Form prior to the next session. By asking this, you not only reinforce the value of coaching but both you and your client will learn a lot about what's really important to them. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6176871 (05Jun11)

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Overcoming Limiting Beliefs: Our beliefs are at the core of who we are. Beliefs guide our decisions and behavior in all areas of life. They determine what we think is or is not possible. More often than not they prove to be self-fulfilling prophecies. Some of our beliefs are not fully our own, but rather blindly taken on from others. Once a belief is formed, we work overtime to prove it right, even if the belief is something negative like Nobody likes me or I am a failure. Do we have to let our beliefs govern us, even if they are harmful to others and ourselves? Can we consciously make changes to what we believe? In the first half of the 20th century the world believed that it was impossible to run a mile under four minutes. When, on May 6th 1954, Roger Bannister ran a mile in 3.59 minutes, everyone was in awe. Then, a curious development took place. Within the following year many other runners ran the mile under four minutes. It was as if a spell had been broken. To understand this phenomenon better, we have to take a closer look at our beliefs, and how they affect us. Some of the beliefs we hold give us great strength and empowerment. Studies show that, on average, people who believe they are healthy live 7 years longer than those who think they are unhealthy, regardless of their actual health condition at the time of the survey. Other beliefs zap our energy. They tell us that we cannot achieve our goals or that we are not worthy of other peoples acceptance. Those kinds of beliefs are called Limiting Beliefs in NLP. They typically sound like I am ugly, I will never be successful, I cant work with those kind of people, etc. NLP groups Limiting Beliefs into three categories: Hopelessness: My goal cannot be achieved under any circumstances. Helplessness: My goal can be achieved, but I lack the ability to achieve it. Worthlessness: I dont deserve to achieve this goal, because of something I am/am not or have/have not done.

Limiting beliefs can be a result of significant experiences (reference experiences) in our lives. Consider the story about the man who, as a nineyear-old, killed his friends three-year-old brother, while playing baseball. He was focusing so hard on his next swing that he did not notice the young boy running behind him. As a result he formed the belief If I go after my goal, I end up hurting others. This belief made it very difficult for him to succeed in his adult life.

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When attempting to overcome limiting beliefs the first step is to become aware of them. This can be challenging, since our limiting beliefs have a way of hiding from us. They like to stay in the background, where they dont have to explain themselves. It is almost like they are afraid that they will be proven wrong, if examined too closely. In order to uncover limiting beliefs, ask yourself questions like: In case of Hopelessness: Why is this goal unattainable? In case of Helplessness: What skills do I lack to attain it? In case of Worthlessness: Why dont I deserve to achieve this goal?

If you calmly ask yourself these types of questions, you will uncover the limiting beliefs that stand in-between you and your goal. It is important to note that beliefs tend come in clusters. Keep analyzing your beliefs, until you feel satisfied that you have uncovered all of the limiting beliefs that stand in your way. Once you are aware of your limiting beliefs and the way they affect your behavior, they will start to loose some of their power over you. Analyze you beliefs for their purpose. Ask yourself, How does holding this belief serve my best interest? Often beliefs serve a purpose. If you do get some payoff from holding a belief, but at the price of some unpleasant side effects, look for a belief that gives you the same payoff without the side effects. For example, replace a belief like Men are trouble by Some men are trouble and I need to be careful to make sure I choose a man with a good character as my partner. The payoff of both those beliefs is being safe from pain, but the second belief is less limiting. One way to stop believing that you cannot do something is to just try doing it. Once a belief has been proven wrong it looses its power, as was evident when Roger Bannister ran the mile in under four minutes. Of course, common sense should be applied with this approach as to avoid harm to self and others. References:

Changing Belief Systems with NLP, Dilts, R., 1990 Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Well-Being, Dilts, R., Hallbom. T. and Smith, S.1990

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Hints when coaching: Never use the word why. Alternative could be Te ll me what would make you do that (not why) If you feel they are not telling you everything, as Is there anything else? Challenge assumptions where is the evidence. What has happened that would support this belief. Challenge limiting beliefs Remove limiting assumptions with incisive questions If you knew that .. what would you do Leave time for reflection at least 3 seconds after each answer. Always be yourself. Should they become stuck, you can ask Is it okay if I share .. and offer them the opportunity to use resources from your toolkit. Note: This should never be any more than 5% to 10% of the session.

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