T Th he eA An nt tiit th he es siis so of fa aB Bu us siin ne es ss sm ma an n

Albert, the First, Last, Unknown and Known

B By yA An ng ge elliin na aL La az za arr Forbes is, indeed an account of exceptional entrepreneurs, enjoying soaring revenues, lucrative profits, and representing the cream of the crop in their industries. This is the Forbes phenomenon and that, it remains, but pardon me all, as I momentarily and initially digress in order to underscore the opposite end of the spectrum and relative results, arising from grotesque deficiencies and incompetence in business acumen, lack of intellect, integrity, responsibility in order to exhibit the antithesis of what a Forbes-famous entrepreneur would look like! After this real-life digression, I promise to bestow unto the Forbes Family of global readership the power, beauty, resolve, colorful creativity and jaw-dropping tenacity of a rising new battalion of African entrepreneurs extraordinaire - but only after I have said my peace about the contrarian, misplaced sort who operate in these parts as they dare to defy and negate the validity of solid business principles, scruples, values and norms, and still expect positive, fruitful results! After that, we shall forevermore continue to relish the supreme epitomes of business tycoons and tycoonesses in the dark continent, newly lit. ... Then, of course, theres Albert Kingsley (King, for short) Albert Owusu, the First, and - if God wills - the Last. There are many such Alberts, in fact, and in the hopes that they should see and extinguish their own damnable folly and foolhardy ways in business,I write, as that is a lesson, in and of itself.

Once upon a time, as the story goes, Albert the First ventured to open an exclusive distributorship of the finest lubricant oils from Germany, calling it Meguin Ghana Ltd, lo and behold, in the center of the world. He jumped in with both feet, but alas, with no mind, spending lavishly on what he knew not, cared not, and received not, thinking business would take care of itself, and spur him along to copious riches in the valley of Ghana. Albert I paid 37,000 Euros for his franchise, receiving no official receipt for that from the mother company, no support or noteworthy supplies, no equipment or guidebook with policies and procedures, rules and regulations or relevant, legitimate, helpful assistance or consultation. In fact, on his initial purchase order, he received only stale product that was not moving, which he did not even order, but to this day, it sits snugly in his warehouse, as Albert, like the scarecrow had no mind to run his business prudently, wisely or properly, so never bothered to demand a refund, showing his purchase order against the bill of lading. So, Albert, le Premier merely jumped up on his scooter, exclaiming precariously and audaciously, Weeee! as he glided downhill from the outset, not pausing to regroup or get on the proper track or correct his serious faux-pas, both foolish and purposeful mistakes for an essential pit-stop. O, no Albert the Uno decided to go all the way, as his ego was his most prized possession, which he was (and still is) hell-bent on feeding, pacifying and protecting. This takes precedence over his business, and that is just that for this jockster. You see, Albert Pervi after being duped by a couple of rogue accomplices and employees of Meguin Oils of Germany, sacked (African term for fired) all of his employees, leaving a ghost office in his wake, with only Christmas-like ornaments on his coffee table (why, I dont know ), an all too neat desk, depicting no real business, upon which neatly laid a computer with no internet connection (but was dust-free and pictureready), and not one, but two calendars, both empty and clear as there were no appointments booked, and if they were, Albert Broj Jedan would have just blown past them with his chronic late syndrome, as he feels he can do things whenever he wants if he wants, as he is the boss; thus no one should venture to teach him a better way, for if they do, he will fire them even before he hires them! Voila! Needless to say, Albert, le Premier hired me, and when I say hired, I really need to qualify this term as he and his cousin-partner (who invested no money, only loves to lounge around and drink all day, but advises him, all the same; and the other one, actually listens to him) never got around to putting together my employment contract yet as one of them was too busy doing nothing while the other was too busy spinning circles all day long. All the same, Albert (how do you say first in Swahili?), the Christian superstar, invited me to his church for an all-night vigil, inferring he was a man of integrity, Christian principles, values and virtue, so I gave him the benefit of my doubt, while never taking my eyes off him, as I watch every word stated and every move made in business! So I began to do my work, which turned out entailed a whole lot more than the title International Sales Executive. Not only that, but Albert, the Christian, Albert, the First invited correction commanded me to come Friday morning early to work, only to find I was called to attend a prayer service for his flailing company with four pastors engaged in power prayers to help the distressed company emerge from red to black presto, bango, instantaneously! Now, dont get me wrong, I do not ridicule prayer as such, which is our backbone and can and does effect miracles, but that is assuming we do what is right, not in our flagrantly cheating another Christian and management consultant! So, indeed , I ridicule up the wazoo the concept of spending so much time, efforts and energy in prayer with a generous offering for the pastors to save your company, after which you immediately throw open the door to the devil himself, hell-bent on taking advantage of the sole person, engaged to save your company, as a certified international project manager with extreme skill sets in crisis

management, sales and marketing, public relations, political management, time management. in short in all the areas you are grossly deficient in, and who is actually, very generously and willingly fulfilling such a need! But business is business, and charity is charity, and we need to understand the guts of each concept or we are floating in space; thus these efforts need to be compensated fairly and squarely. But enough about what I have to say; here ye, here ye: the logic and rationale of King Albert, Numero Uno! If he were honest enough to verbalize his own philosophy, it would go something like this: O soul of mine, that eateth, drinketh and maketh merry, let me cut corners wherever I can, skimp, scrounge, cheat and circumvent! Thus, I can milk my savior-of-sorts dry, enlisting her to do this, that and the other, without paying her for her expertise, time, efforts and energy! In this wise, I can effectively recoup all that I lost to Tony and Tim, who stole my money so that at least I get something out of that, albeit through her! Yes, they cheated me, but I will now cheat her, and in that way, get what is mine, and make things right! I can brilliantly climb out of this fine mess Ive gotten myself into, by shoving all of her duties under the banner of Sales, playing her for a fool; but I will compensate her only on sales, which will be wholly commission-based! This way, she will be working for me for free, and it will not cost me anything! O, yes, brilliant soul of mine, I shall dump everything on her, and when she has done all that I need and all I command, she can then pursue her course to bring me clients and money, out of which I will pay her, so it will be no skin off my nose! I dont even need to dig into my pocket for she will bring me the money from her clients, out of which I will simply pay her! Bravissimo! And all I need is for my partner-in-crime to join me in supporting me and having my back! Hee-hee!... Also, forget about getting her a work permit, as Im obliged to; let her just do what I need, while I forget about all of her needs! Shhh. What I will do is to pretend I do not even know what she is doing for me, even though she is revamping my company, making my office functional and business-like, putting together a blueprint for my supreme success, setting up powerhouse meetings with serious potential clients I could never hope to procure; organizing a seminar I need to host in only one week; putting together a proposal for liquidating all my existing product I have in inventory in order to get my company liquid; working with her own clearing officer to gain me exemptions from excise taxes, which will seriously help my bottom line; and then well, then, after hours, she can work on sales and marketing, but let me not even call her Director lest she think shes something more than I want and need her to think! O ,fat soul of mine. Neither shall I hire her as Project Manager, though her resume screams of her capacity in that realm, and yes, she is accredited, it is true, and yes, that is in essence, what I really need! Although her resume far surpasses mine, and Im sinking, drowning and flailing, let me not ever admit this to her, for then I would actually have to pay her for her services! Yes if I can just keep quiet long enough for her to do all the immediate work I need, then I shall be home free! Besides, she needs to respect me as her boss. boss, boss, boss, I say!.... Lastly, let me not even mention the concept of her potentially partnering up with me as VP of Business Development (as I dont have the money right now to pay her since Im totally fiscally undisciplined and irresponsible with money, but let me never admit this), for if I do, I will be obliged to bring her in as a partner! This, in fact, should be her rightful title for the actual work she is doing; but let me not give her credit, neither in title, neither in compensation, for .. o my, then I should have to give away some ownership to her, admit my inferiority and vulnerability, so best not go there! No, no, no!... After all, she is a woman; thus can do this for free! Women dont know their value, and always love to help, so let her just do her thing, and let her do it for free! For as long as I never admit her value to my Company and acknowledge not her skill sets - which I desperately need right now (and my bogus partner backs me up on this), then she will never be the wiser, can never challenge me on this - as I wont give her the time of day to do so - for I am the boss, the CEO, King Albert, the First, the Last, the Median and. well, Mediocre!. . . .

This is the story of Albert. His scooter still traverses due south, both feet firmly planted onboard, un-riveting in his hell-bent efforts to stay on (his own) course, tongue diligently licking his wounded ego, hands covering his eyes so as not to watch the coming crash; while he continues to waste money and time, pursuing his folly, instead of embracing firmly proven business principles, the expertise of a project manager or management consultant during the cataclysmic crisis his company currently ensues. Ignoring all warning signs, all advice, all wisdom, business norms, values, etiquette, discipline and principles, he continues to make the same mistakes and doing wrong, thinking that prayers and offerings will get him by, and set things straight, irrespective of his unrighteous, unfair and un-businesslike behaviour. Albert the Little is still on course with his fiscal irresponsibility, lack of appreciation and adamant intent to cheat, eyes blind to red flags, ears deaf to wise counsel. His mind continues to move in circular fashion, changing topics, interrupting ongoing conversations and negotiations, like a chicken with his head cut off, playing both customers and employees for fools while snapping down his business card in vainglorious pride that he, himself, is the CEO! Yea, his foolish behavior and haphazard ways remain firmly in place, as he continues to be slothful about time, and at least two hours fashionably late for all of his meetings. He continues to operate with no agenda or plan of action and his calendar to this day remains free of any and all pen marks, tidy as can be. His lack of judgment, prudence and fairness is not lost; and his inability to trouble shoot or navigate through crises is perfectly in place with all the headstrong obstinance, pride and ego firmly set so that his descent at top speed might not be curtailed or abruptly halted. With that being said, to conclude: contrary to the Forbes life and track record of our veritable legends, they all lived hap.... actually, there were none left to live.... (tack to the right); thus, let our finale, dearest readers, be simply and eloquently stated: That is the story of Albert, the First. white-out....... and . black-out.. Albert, the Last. CLUNK-O! Spwish.