Dealing with Bullies

Brett's Blog, Mind-Body http://sheerbalance.com/mind-body/dealing-with-bullies/ Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator. It was expected. It was expected that i you had a problem, or i you had a con lict, that you discussed it. !ou didn"t whine about it. !ou didn"t sweep it under the rug. #nd, you didn"t act passi$ely aggressi$ely. Instead, you tal%ed it out, you explained how you elt and you came up with ways to ix it or deal with it. #lthough as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much communicating, I now pride mysel in being open, honest and orthright. &ecently, howe$er, my belie in open communication turned against me. '$er the last couple o months, I had noticed that my colleague (let"s call him )om* started acting distant and dismissi$e. #s peers, my wor% and his wor% needed to be integrated to get the +ob done. !et, I constantly elt as though he wasn"t respecting me or including me in important discussions that were $ital to the wor% we were doing. It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told him in a couple o ways, that I"d appreciate i he would ensure that I was part o these discussions. Ignoring these re,uests, )om started displaying passi$e aggressi$e tendencies towards me and it was starting to a ect the way we wor%ed together. -inally, one interaction pushed me o$er the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately. I discreetly pulled )om aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. )rying to be sensiti$e to )om"s eelings and to a$oid putting him on the de ensi$e, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadn"t done anything to o end him. )his plan bac% ired. Instead o ta%ing my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, )om used this opportunity to bully me. I patiently listened until it was ob$ious he was through, ma%ing sure that I let him ully express himsel . .hen he was done, I apologi/ed or how he elt and started to explain how I was eeling. 0e ,uic%ly made it clear that he didn"t care. #ll o the eelings I had been eeling or the better part o two months, were completely dismissed. -urther, he was ,uic% to let me %now that he had no intention o ta%ing any responsibility or any part o the situation, implying that the problem was completely my ault. I came away eeling stomped on, de lated and disrespected. 1ot ,uite the outcome I had hoped or. #lthough I belie$e that open communication is the %ey to success ul relationships, this interaction made me reali/e that it doesn"t wor% with e$eryone. #lthough I do thin% spea%ing with )om was better than not saying anything at all, it ob$iously didn"t accomplish what I had hoped it would. )om was gi$en the gi t o closure2 he got to express e$erything he elt. I on the other hand, didn"t get to express much o anything and as a result, was le t eeling e$en worse than I did be ore the discussion. In hindsight, I eel that I le t it all on the table, without any recourse or ability to de end mysel . I eel that I ga$e him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. #nd, I eel that he completely too% ad$antage o me and the situation. )here were a lot o things le t unsaid, and I so wish I could ha$e another opportunity to tell )om what I really thin%. Instead, I ha$e to let it go. 3etting go is 4' hard5 6specially when you eel that you"$e been beat-up with no ability to de end yoursel . )he only thing you can really do in these situations, I guess, is to learn rom them, so that maybe history doesn"t repeat itsel . 0ere were the lessons I learned:

7. Mutual Respect: I you embar% on an open dialogue with someone, ma%e sure that both o you respect one another. I a person doesn"t respect you, tal%ing to them may all on dea ears, and you may ind yoursel in a worse o position. 8. Be Prepared: I you attempt to resol$e a con lict, prepare yoursel or the possibility o it not going as you would expect. 'therwise, you may not get all that you wanted out o the con$ersation. 9reate a list o the things you want to address to ensure that you get to ma%e all the points you want to ma%e. :. It Takes Two to Communicate: I the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it might be a sign that the con$ersation may not go as you hope. It was clear to me that open communication was not in )om"s repertoire unless it was one-way. ;. Sharing Requires Caring: I the person you are hoping to spea% with is not interested in your eelings or concerns, you may be le t eeling empty. I the person doesn"t care, it isn"t worth the emotional in$estment. 4tic% to the acts and don"t let emotions get in$ol$ed. <. Timing: .hen we are upset and want to tal% about something, it is important to ta%e some time to really thin% through how we are going to ha$e the con$ersation. I reacted emotionally, wanting to sol$e something on the spot. #s a result, I didn"t really thin% through how I would approach him or where we would ha$e the con$ersation. Instead, it was on the ly and in a setting that didn"t lend itsel to ha$ing a thorough con$ersation. =. Self Confidence: .e all ha$e moments where we lac% con idence, but i someone has sel esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mas% it by being a bully or pointing ingers>and not ta%ing any responsibility or anything themsel$es. In this case, I suspect that )om has issues that ha$e nothing to do with me, and instead o ac%nowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to ma%e himsel loo% and eel better by placing all o the blame on me. &eplaying the con$ersation in my head, I reali/e that I totally enabled his beha$ior. I didn"t stand up or mysel , because I was blindsided by his attac%. I you thin% you want to ha$e a con$ersation with someone, be sure to respect yoursel in the process. !ou are the only one who is going to stand up or yoursel 5 0a$e you had a situation that was similar? @id you open a con$ersation with someone only to ind that they didn"t $alue or respect you? AadBGet-&ealC

&elated posts: 7. 8. :. ;. <. @ealing with 9on lict in the .or%place 4tand by your Man> )he Dermagrin: Being -orced to 4mile 0ealth I4 your .ealth> 4hould 'bese Deople Buy )wo #irline )ic%ets?

bully, con lict, mean spirited, .or%