"ACE OFF" Episode: Pilot Conor Matthews

TEASER FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM, LAS VEGAS - NIGHT. STEPHEN WALSH (male, 24, fat, unshaven, scraggy) is sprawled on a bed, gorging on food, talking on a phone, playing World of Warcraft and watching TV porn on mute. STEPHEN WALSH (to the phone) Mum, I cant alright, Im extremely busy... Alright, look, Ill do it! Stephen uses the remote. The sound of hardcore porn suddenly fills the room. Stephen scrambles to change the channel. STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) (to the phone) No! I wasnt watching porn, I... I have a girl in the room... Hysterical laughter can be heard from the phone. STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) (to the phone) Shut up! Look, Im watching the stupid thing now. The television shows an aerial shot of the Las Vegas Strip. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Welcome to the International Poker Championship Series of ACE OFF, Americas favorite sporting event apart from the Middle East. CUT TO:

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2.

INT. CASINO FLOOR, LAS VEGAS - CONTINUOUS. CHUCK BARRYMONT (white male, 510, desperate comb-over) and RICK SAMSON (middle-eastern male, 58) are in the middle of a busy Las Vegas casino, in matching tailored suits, holding microphones, in front of a camera operator. CHUCK BARRYMONT Im Chuck Barrymont. RICK SAMSON And Im Rick Samson. Welcome to Ace Off, where the worlds greatest poker players come to compete in a competition of mediocrity. CHUCK BARRYMONT Thats right Rick. These talented athletes have trained for months in grueling conditions, whether it be the American contenders who have been known to play 25 hours a day online, or the Asians who play for honour and family pride in their high chairs. CUT TO:

INT. A POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Among the hustle & bustle, the dealer is opposite THE PINK SPECTRE (male, 51, bald, pink silk shirt, left ear piercing), MADAM BUCKLE (female, 64, blonde perm, in a poker theme cow boy outfit), SPUCKER (male, 28, morbidly obese, sitting on a small motor scooter), and THE SMILER (male, 40, receding brown hair, with a bizarre wide eyed stare and wide smile). RICK SAMSON (O.S.) Many of the players have already arrived and are playing a pre-game round of poker, to get in the groove. (MORE)

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CONOR MATTHEWS RICK SAMSON (O.S.) (CONT'D) Each with their own asinine reason for playing this retarded excuse of manhood.

3.

CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Thats right Rick, each of them more driven and confident than the last. I cant think of a single instance in history of anyone having a tougher life than poker athletes. RICK SAMSON What is strange is Harry Walsh, the Welsh contender, was here a minute ago, and now he seems to have just vanished. CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS. A greenish fog seeps in from a vent while Stephen is on the phone. STEPHEN WALSH Yes, Im watching it right now! Hes not there! Mum! Im telling you, hes not there... Well I dont know. Stephen coughs, which quickly gets worse. His face turns white as he finally notices the gas, desperately scampers for the door, yanking on the door knob, before being slowly subdued by the gas and passing out. A beat. Stephen flinches as he produces flatulence. FADE TO BLACK.

END OF TEASER.

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4.

ACT 1 FADE IN:

INT. POKER TOURNAMENMT ROOM, LAS VEGAS - THE NEXT DAY. Stephen wakes up startled and confused in the middle of a poker game, surrounded by an enthralled crowd. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first day of the Ace Off tournament. Lets take a look at our first table, featuring the new contender Stephen Walsh, taking over for his brother Harry Walsh. Stephen sees hes along side three players (sunglasses, baggy hoodies/polo shirts). SUSAN (female, 26, attractive), deals cards towards Stephen. Stephen just looks up at her baffled. STEPHEN WALSH Eh... yeah, forget this! Stephen leaves the table. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Oh! What a way to begin a game, by leaving it! That is unorthodox! RICK SAMSON (O.S.) Yes Chuck, it is, as it will be very hard to win a game you dont bother playing. While Stephens walking, dialing his phone, a foreboding SECURITY GUARD (large, male) emerges from the darkness behind, holding up a syringe filled with a fluid.

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STEPHEN WALSH Harry? Where are you? Im worried about--Suddenly, injected by the guard, Stephen jolts and stagger a few steps forward, his vision becoming blurry. FADE TO BLACK. FADE TO:

INT. POKER TOURNAMENMT ROOM - LATER. Stephen wakes up at the same table as before. The crowd cheers frantically in excitement. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, and it seems Stephen Walsh has had a change of heart and has decided to return to the tournament. Stephen looks around bewildered, frustrating the players. POKER PLAYER #1 Hey, jerk off! Check your cards so I can win already and roofie this hussy. Stephen reluctantly picks up his cards and holds them up to his eye level in one hand. Everyone gasps. Even Susan. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Holy tits on a rabbi! Stephens is taken back by the reaction. Poker player #2 whips off his sunglasses and snarls at Stephen. POKER PLAYER #2 You idiot! Youre suppose to look at them like this! Poker player #2 holds his cards firmly down, lifting the corners up slightly to peer under. Stephen stares, disturbed.

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STEPHEN WALSH Sorry, I thought we were playing poker. Not being pedophiles looking at kiddy porn. Susan giggles. Poker Player #1 jerks scowls at her. POKER PLAYER #1 Just deal! As Susan deals, Stephen looks behind him and notices the security guard from before holding up another syringe. Stephen turns back and eyes up the other players as they bet. STEPHEN WALSH So... are all you guys blind or do you think 3-D glasses will actually give you some depth? Susan smiles as she deals, looking up at Stephen, her eyes twinkling. SUSAN You can tell youre not a poker player. STEPHEN WALSH Is it because I dont dress like a douche bag? SUSAN You havent pretended not to be staring at my chest. Stephen blatantly stares at her cleavage. STEPHEN WALSH Honesty is the best policy. They bet once more. Susan puts forward another card in the centre. The cards read two aces, a king, and two tens. STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) (to Susan) So... when do I get to leave?

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POKER PLAYER #1 When you lose! Stephen promptly shoves all of his chips forward. Gasps and murmurs pulse through the crowd of spectators. Susan surveys the other players for a response. Players #2 and #3 fold. RICK SAMSON (O.S.) Did you see that! Obviously Stephen knows something we dont! STEPHEN WALSH (to the commentators) I have no clue what Im doing! I just wanna leave! Poker player #1 smirks, betting before he reveals two tens as he leans closer to Susan. POKER PLAYER #1 So how about you and me ditch this place and go back to my suite. STEPHEN WALSH (O.S.) So Im guessing thats better than two aces? POKER PLAYER #1 What! Stephen bluntly holds up two aces in either hand. STEPHEN WALSH I dont know what that is? Are four aces good? Balloons and a CONGRATULATIONS banner drop down from the ceiling as loud music plays. Chuck and Rick walk over and shake hands with a petrified and timorous Stephen. RICK SAMSON Congratulations! Youre our first winner! Ace Off is proud to bunk you up from your hotel room to the erotic suite.

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Applause rings out, as Stephen frantically fights the crowd carrying him away. STEPHEN WALSH NO! NO! LET ME GO! I WANTED TO LOSE! I WANT TO GO HOME! WHERES MY BROTHER! WHERES-MY-BROTHER! FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT 1.

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ACT 2

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY, OUTSIDE THE EROTIC SUITE - LATER. Stephen steps out from an elevator, on a phone. HARRY WALSH (O.S.) (phone distortion) Hi, this is Harry, Im busy, leave a message. A recorded beep rings. STEPHEN WALSH Harry, when I find you, Im going to rape your skull so hard youll be sneezing my cum for about a week! Where is my passport! I will kill you if Im stuck here! Stephen pauses before sighing. STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) Look... just phone me... Im worried about you. Stephen hangs up the phone. SPUCKER (O.S.) That was some good old fashion card spittin there, that was today. Stephen turns to see Spucker and Madam Buckle walking towards him. Stephen pans his eyes between the two. STEPHEN WALSH Wow! Las Vegas really will marry anyone, wont they? Spucker chortles.

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SPUCKER Nah, we aint done hitched. Im Spucker. You may know me from them there movies. Im a bit of a celebrity. STEPHEN WALSH Werent you that guy on that Celebrity Weight Loss, Singing, Dancing competition? SPUCKER Guessing you be wanting yourself an autograph. STEPHEN WALSH No. SPUCKER Why not? STEPHEN WALSH Because youre a celebrity. Madam Buckle rushes over to shake Stephens hand. MADAM BUCKLE Madam Buckle, a pleasure to meet you. A healthy young boy like yourself could be put to good use around my... Madam Buckle looks past Stephen to something behind him. MADAM BUCKLE (CONTD) ...What did you just say? WHAT! You come here right now! Madam Buckle marches over and wrestles a plant in the corner. SPUCKER The Madam is a few notches short of a belt. They say she won her way out of a mental hospital. She believes she owns the Skywalker Ranch.

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STEPHEN WALSH Wait... as in the George Lucas Skywalker ranch? SPUCKER Yep. She thought he was that there Yoda from them Star Trek movies. He figured she wasnt all there so he told her if she could buy the ranch off her, hed let her have it. Poor thing. They both watch as Madam Buckle proceeds to choke the plant. STEPHEN WALSH What about you? SPUCKER Me? Well Im here for charity. Its the PopOhs Orphanage for blind, deaf, mute, legless puppies. STEPHEN WALSH Wait! I know you now! Youre Dads the inventor of PopOhs! I love PopOhs! Spucker develops a sullen frown. SPUCKER Yeah... I know... Everyone does. Madam Buckle returns, her hair now rustled. MADAM BUCKLE So, how long have you been training? No one is that good without years of training. STEPHEN WALSH ...Um... Listen, Im just gonna check the suite. You can come in if you want.

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SPUCKER Oh, I getcha. Dont want to give away them there fancy moves of yours. Spucker winks. Stephen shivers a little. STEPHEN WALSH And to think you two arent married. Stephen unlocks the door, and steps in. CUT TO:

INT. EROTIC SUITE - CONTINUOUS. Stephen, Spucker, and Madam Buckle stand dismayed in a suite full of leather and latex fixtures, walls dotted with an assortments of whips, ball gags, riding crops, and hand cuffs. In the centre of the room is a masked gimp in a suspension harness, moaning a little. MADAM BUCKLE Anyone want to play some poker? CUT TO:

INT. CASINO FLOOR, DAY - EVENING. As Stephen, Spucker, and Madam Buckle walk through the casino, Stephens attention is captured by the number of people sobbing by slot machines and roulette wheels after losing their money. STEPHEN WALSH Is this not a tad depressing? Spucker and Madam Buckle stop suddenly and gasp, looking off into the distance.

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STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) ...Its not that disturbing. MADAM BUCKLE Look! CUT TO:

INT. POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS. The Pink Spectre and The Smiler, casually playing poker. SPUCKER (O.S.) Well, well, well; Pink Spectre and The Smiler. BACK TO:

INT. CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS. Spucker and Madam Buckle march forward, leaving Stephen sidestepping over to a male rest room. STEPHEN WALSH Ill catch up in a minute. CUT TO:

INT. MALE REST ROOM - CONTINUOUS. Stephen is at a urinal. A MAN rushes in holding his stomach in pain, and tries to walk into the first cubicle. The lock rattles. MAN Oh gawd! He scuttles to try the next cubicle. The lock rattles. RICK SAMSON (O.S.) Occupied.

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He tries the last cubicle. The lock rattles. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Find another glory hole, Im using this one! The man dashes over to the urinal next to Stephen, drops his trousers, turns around, and excretes noisily into it. MAN Oh gawd! Oh gawd Im so sorry! STEPHEN WALSH WHAT ARE YOU DOING! MAN I HAD THE THREE BEAN SALAD AT THE BUFFET! IM SO SORRY! OH GAWD! WHY! The man fiercely grabs hold of Stephens arm, sobbing deeply. MAN (CONTD) DONT LEAVE ME! IM SO SORRY! IM SCARED! I DONT WANNA DIE! Stephen frantically tries to pull away. CUT TO:

INT. CASINO FLOOR - LATER. Stephen stumbles out of the bathroom. Sounds of sobbing still slightly audible. Several people speed pass, heading towards the casino entrance. Inquisitively, Stephen follows. CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASINO ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS. Stephen walks towards Spucker and a large crowd, all looking up at the roof.

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STEPHEN WALSH Spucker? Whats going on? Spucker points up at the roof. Stephen veers his gaze up. His eyes widen. CUT TO:

EXT. CASINO ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS. Madam Buckle looms over the edge of the rooftop, sobbing. SPUCKER (O.S.) She lost everything in the game! STEPHEN WALSH (O.S.) Shes out of the competition? SPUCKER (O.S.) Nah, wasnt a tournament match, but she maxed out her accounts; shes broke. BACK TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASINO ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS. Stephen gawks at Madam Buckle momentarily before he strides back to the entrance with stern valor on his face. STEPHEN WALSH (to Spucker) How much did she lose? SPUCKER (call out to Stephen) Ten K! Stephen! What are you doing! STEPHEN WALSH Im being a idiot, thats what Im doing!

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Stephen marches onwards. FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT 2.

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17.

ACT 3.

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASINO ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS. A female news reporter is standing in front of a camera with the crowd behind her. FEMALE NEWS REPORTER Breaking news! One of the contestants of Ace Off is threatening to take her life. This comes only days after a study was shown a connection between gambling and psychotic tendencies--Chuck and Rick shove the reporter out of the shot before poising themselves, complete with their own microphones. CHUCK BARRYMONT This is Chuck Barrymont here. RICK SAMSON And Im Rick Samson. And we just want to let you know everythings fine; keep-watching-TV! CUT TO:

INT. CASINO FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER. Stephen forges on; the Pink Spectre and the Smiler in his sights. The security guard steps out from the shadows, waving a syringe mockingly in front of Stephen, who simply swats it out of his hand and pokes him in the chest.

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STEPHEN WALSH Look, you can drug me later! But Im not gonna let the creepy smiley guy and the closet case take an old ladys money, now stand aside! The security guard holds out a stack of poker chips, taking Stephen by surprise. As he takes them and walks away, the security guard stands by and watches. SECURITY GUARD (sings) Risin' up, back on the street! Did my time, took my chances! Stephen slows to a stop and gives the guard a baffled stare. SECURITY GUARD (CONTD) Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet! Just a man and his will to survive! (waits a few beats) So many times, it happens too fast! You change your passion for glory. Stephen slowly walks away, still looking confused. SECURITY GUARD (CONTD) Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past! CUT TO:

INT. POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER. As Susan glances up from dealing to Pink Spectre and the Smiler when Stephen arrives, she develops a smile. STEPHEN WALSH (to Susan) We must stop meeting like this. SUSAN My thoughts exactly.

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PINK SPECTRE (to Stephen) Women are all the same son; theyre always around when youre about to lose money. Stephen double takes at The Smiler staring at him. STEPHEN WALSH So whats your story? Are you like the Forest Gump of poker or something? PINK SPECTRE Hes a mute. STEPHEN WALSH And what? Do you compensate for him? PINK SPECTRE No, I win. STEPHEN WALSH (to Susan) You must be a lesbian. SUSAN What! STEPHEN WALSH I said you must be a lesbian, because even I would rather munch carpet than be attracted to most of the guys at this casino. Everyones got some stupid history and catch phrase. Points to the Smiler. STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) Hes the Smiler. Points to Pink Spectre
(MORE)

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CONOR MATTHEWS STEPHEN WALSH (CONTD) Hes J. Edgar Hoover. Las Vegas must be where aggressive lesbians are born.

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As Susan laughs out loud, Pink Spectre slams his fist on the table, startling her! As she deals, Rick and Chuck emerges from under the table with a camera operator. CHUCK BARRYMONT And were off folks! Not an official match, but a spectacle of strength none the less. Isnt that right Rick? RICK SAMSON Too right there Chuck. This truly is a game of David versus Goliath. The new comer with beginners luck versus two seasoned players. The prize; the life of a woman. CHUCK BARRYMONT You could say this is like a game of hide and go seek between Anne Frank and Osama Bin Laden. No one says anything for a second; stunned. RICK SAMSON ... No one would say that Chuck. Literally... no one. STEPHEN WALSH (to Rick) Is Madam Buckle ok? RICK SAMSON We have good news, and bad news. The good news is Spucker is heading up to the roof to talk her down. The bad news is, the elevators are out of order. CUT TO:

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INT. EMERGENCY STAIRWAY - CONTINUOUS. Spucker is at the foot of a flight of stairs. A plaque on the wall reading 1. SPUCKER Well were screwed. BACK TO:

INT. POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER. As theyre playing, the security guard appears behind Stephen. SECURITY GUARD Risin' up, back on the street! Did my time, took my chances! Startled, Stephen furiously whips around. STEPHEN WALSH Seriously! What is your problem! The security guard whimpers, before inhaling sharply, his face hardening into a fierce scowl, turning to the others. SECURITY GUARD Hes got a three of hearts and a five of diamonds. The Pink Spectre and the Smiler plow their chips forward. STEPHEN WALSH (to the security guard) Oh you ass! (to Susan) What do I do now? SUSAN Raise. STEPHEN WALSH Raise what?

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22.

Chuck leans over to whisper to Rick. CHUCK BARRYMONT We should probably pre-record a report for Madam Buckles suicide. STEPHEN WALSH (looking behind him) Hey! SUSAN Just put in as much as they did. Stephen raises before they reveal their cards. Susan frowns, pushing the winnings over to Pink Spectre. SUSAN (CONTD) Pink Spectre, four of a kind. CHUCK BARRYMONT Ow! Not a great start for Stephen. But a small victory for the Pink Spectre, bringing him one step closer to winning the grand prize to fund his charity to cure his sons horrible, life threatening disease. RICK SAMSON (O.S.) Well thats great stuff Chuck, just great stuff. Whats the disease? CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) Homosexuality! It destroying the moral fibre of America. RICK SAMSON (O.S.) ... You werent saying that last night. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) (whisper) Rick, dont do this.

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RICK SAMSON (O.S.) (whisper) We need to talk about this. We cant ignore this. CHUCK BARRYMONT (O.S.) (whisper) You know who cant ignore this? My wife, my kids, and my pastor! We will talk about this when Im good and ready! The Smiler gets up and leaves the table. CHUCK BARRYMONT (CONTD) And looks like the Smiler has stepped out. RICK SAMSON Probably pacing himself. CHUCK BARRYMONT Just like you were in the cubicle? Rick tries to subdue a smile. CHUCK BARRYMONT (CONTD) Oh! Whats that? Is that a smile? See! I knew you couldnt stay mad at me! BACK TO:

INT. EMERGENCY STAIRWAY, CASINO - CONTINUOUS Spucker is gasping on his back, struggling to get up. A plaque on the wall reads 12. BACK TO:

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INT. POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Stephen pensively surveys more of his chips being scooped away. Susan deals, languishing in Stephens woe. BACK TO:

EXT: OUTSIDE THE CASINO ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS Chuck and Rick look solemnly into the camera. CHUCK BARRYMONT Ladies and Gentlemen, we have some terrible news. Madam Buckle, an Ace Off Poker Tournament contestant, has just committed suicide. RANDOM PERSON (O.S.) No she hasnt. Chuck and Rick awkwardly stand there, staring dead ahead. RICK SAMSON (wait a beat) I told you we should have waited. CHUCK BARRYMONT Well Im sorry if I acted prematurely. A beat. RICK SAMSON ...Not the first thing youve done prematurely. BACK TO:

INT: POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Stephen has three chips left. He inhales deeply as he leans backwards in his chair, stretching, tired, rubs his drooped face with his hands.

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Suddenly, his phone vibrates in his pocket. He is hesitant to answers it. STEPHEN WALSH H-hello? HARRY WALSH (O.S.) (phone distortion) Stephen! Its Harry, you need to listen very carefully to me. You can do this! Stephen jump up from the table and begins walking away. STEPHEN WALSH Harry! Where are you? Ill come get you! HARRY WALSH (O.S.) No! You need to listen to me! Its very important you win this! STEPHEN WALSH No! I cant! Im not you, alright! I cant win! HARRY WALSH (O.S.) Stephen, for once, stop being a lazy bastard and actually accept responsibility! STEPHEN WALSH For what! For freaks Ive only met! For a crazy old woman threatening to kill herself. For a game I hate and dont like! HARRY WALSH (O.S.) Yes Stephen! I cant tell you why this is important, but you need to accept things. Whining is not going to solve the problem. You need to shut up and just do it! It doesnt matter what happens, so long as you can say you tried! Stephen is left motionless. His face strengthens and he returns to the table, followed by the security guard. SECURITY GUARD Risin' up, back on the street! Did my time, took my chances! Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet! (MORE)

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CONOR MATTHEWS SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D) Just a man and his will to survive! So many times, it happens too fast! You change your passion for glory.

26.

Stephen defiantly tosses his chips in. Susan deals the last card. The cards read Ace of Spades, King of Spades, Queen of Spades, Jack of Spades, Jack of Hearts. CUT TO:

CUT AWAY SHOTS:

A GENERIC FAMILY GATHERING AROUND A TELEVISION BROADCASTING THE GAME.

A GROUP GATHERING OUTSIDE A TELEVISION STORE, ALSO SCREENING THE GAME.

A SMALL TELEVISION TIED TO THE END OF A REMOTE CONTROL HELICOPTER FLIES UP THE ROOFTOP OF THE BUILDING MADAM BUCKLE IS STANDING ON, CATCHING HER BY SURPRISE. SECURITY GUARD (O.S.) (CONTD) Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past! You must fight just to keep them alive! BACK TO:

INT. POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Pink Spectre turns over a King of Diamonds and a Jack of Clubs before smirking at Stephen. SECURITY GUARD It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight! Risin' up to the challenge of our rival!

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Pink Spectre leans across the table to scoop the chips to him, only to be stopped by Stephens hand holding the chips down. SECURITY GUARD (CONTD) And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night! And he's watchin' us all in the eye-Stephen reveals his cards. Both Pink Spectre and Susan look at Stephen in awe while he confidently smiles FADE TO BLACK. SECURITY GUARD (CONTD) Of the tiger! CUT TO:

INT. POKER TABLE, CASINO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Pink Spectre and Susan look unimpressed. SUSAN What the hell are you smiling about? You just lost! STEPHEN WALSH Wait, what! CUT TO:

EXT. CASINO ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Spucker burst through the door leading to the roof, just in time to see Madam Buckle jump off. CUT TO: Title Card: To Be Continued. FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT 3.