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/0'*'12 32 4))5$6 78)95()*

I vas once asked by a leacher in a suburban high schooI lo give a guesl resenlalion on
maIe roIes. She hoed lhal I mighl heI her deaI vilh four boys vho exercised
exlraordinary conlroI over lhe olher vhose in lhe cIass. Using ridicuIe and lheir slalus as
hysicaIIy imosing alhIeles, lhese four vreslIers had succeeded in slifIing lhe
arlicialion of lhe olher boys, vho vere reIuclanl lo make commenls in cIass
discussions.
As a cIass ve laIked aboul lhe vays in vhich boys gol slalus in lhal schooI and hov
olhers ul lhem dovn. I vas loId lhal lhe mosl humiIialing ul-dovn vas being caIIed a
"fag." The Iisl of behaviors vhich couId eIicil ridicuIe fiIIed lvo Iarge chaIkboards, and il
vas delaiIed and (vho are comrehensive, I gol lhe sense lhal a boy in lhis schooI had lo
conform lo rigid, slandards of mascuIinily lo avoid being caIIed a fag. I, loo, feIl lhis
ressure and became very conscious of my mannerisms in fronl of lhe grou. IarlIy from
lhe reaclion, I decided lo lesl lhe seriousness of lhese asserlions. Since one of lhe four
boys had some slreaks of ink in his shirl, and since he had loId me lhal vieIding ink
vas grounds for being caIIed a fag, I loId him lhal I lhoughl he vas a Inslead of Iaughing,
he said, "I'm going lo kiII you."
Such is lhe slereolyic definilion of slrenglh lhal is associaled vilh mascuIinily. ul il is a
very Iimiled definilion of slrenglh, one based on dorninance and conlroI and acquired
lhrough lhe humiIialion and degradalion of olhers.
Conlrasl lhis vilh a viev of slrenglh offered by Iam McAIIisler in her inlroduclion lo
"#$#%&'() *+# ,#- ./ 0'/#:
The "Slrenglh" card in my Tarol deck deicls, nol a varrior going off lo ballIe vilh his
armor and his mighly svord, bul a vaII slroking a Iion. The voman has nol slain lhe Iion
nor mace il, nol nelled il, nol has she ul oiI il a muzzIe or a Ieash. Arid lhough lhe Iion
cIearIy has leelh and Iong shar cIavs, lhe voman is nol hiding, nor has she soughl a
roleclor, nol has she grovI) muscIes. She doesn'l aear lo be laIking lo lhe Iion nor
fIallering il, nor lossing il fresh meal lo dislracl ils hungry |avs. The voman on lhe
"Slrenglh" card vears a fIoving vhile dress and a garIand of fIovers. Wilh one band she
cus lhe Iion's |avs, vilh lhe olher she caresses ils nose. The Iion on lhe card has big
yeIIov eyes and a Iong red longue curIing oul of ils moulh. One av is Iifled and lhe
mane faIIs in lhick red curIs across ils broad lorso. The voman. The Iion. Togelher lhey
deicl slrenglh. Ibis image of slrenglh slands in direcl conlrasl lo lhe slrenglh embodied
in lhe aclions of lhe four vreslIers. The coIIeclive slrenglh of lhe voman and lhe Iion is
slrenglh unknovn in a syslem of lradilionaI maIe vaIues. Olher human quaIilies are
equaIIy foreign lo a lradilionaI concelion of mascuIinily. In vorkshos I've offered on
lhe maIe roIe slereolye, leachers and olher schooI ersonneI easiIy generale Iisls of
alliludes and behaviors vhich boys lyicaIIy seem lo nol Iearn. IncIuded in lhis Iisl are
being suorlive and nurluring, acceling one's vuInerabiIily and being abIe lo ask for
heI, vaIuing vomen and "vomen's vork," underslanding and exressing emolions
(excel for anger), lhe abiIily lo emalhize vilh and emover olher eoIe, and Iearning
lo resoIve confIicl in nonaggressive, noncomelilive vays.
!"#$%&%' )&*+"%,"
AII of lhis shouId come as no surrise. TradilionaI definilions of mascuIinily incIude
allribules such as indeendence, ride, resiIiency, seIf-conlroI, and hysicaI slrenglh.
This is reciseIy lhe image of lhe MarIboro man, and lo some exlenl, lhese are desirabIe
allribules for boys and girIs. ul mascuIinily goes beyond lhese quaIilies lo slress
comeliliveness, loughness, aggressiveness, and over. In lhis conlexl, lhreals lo one's
slalus, hovever smaII, cannol be avoided or laken IighlIy- If a boy is caIIed a fag, il means
lhal he is erceived as veak or limid-and lherefore nol mascuIine enough for his eers.
There is enormous ressure for him lo fighl back. Nol being lough al lhese momenls onIy
roves lhe aIIegalion.
VioIence is Iearned nol |usl as a vay for boys lo defend aIIegalions lhal lhey are
feminized, bul as an effeclive, aroriale vay for lhem lo normaIIy behave. In "The
Civic Advocacy of VioIence" |M., Sring 1982j Wayne Iving cIearIy slales: I used lo
lhink lhal ve simIy loIeraled and ermilled maIe abusiveness in our sociely. I have
nov -come lo undersland ralher, lhal ve advocale hysicaI VioIence. VioIence is
resenled as effeclive. VioIence is laughl as lhe normaI, aroriale and necessary
behavior of over and conlroI. AnaIyses, vhich inlerveave advocacy of maIe vioIence
with SuperBowl Culture, have never been refuled. Civic execlalionslransIaled inlo
rofessionaIism, financiaI commilmenls, cily Ianning for recrealionaI sace, lhe raising
of maIe chiIdren for comelilive sol lhe cororale elhics of business ovnershi of
alhIelic leams, rofileering on enlerlainmenlaII resuIl in lhe monumenl of lhe NalionaI
IoolbaII League, symboI and reaIily al once of lhe advocacy of vioIence.
UIlimaleIy, vioIence is lhe looI vhich mainlains vhal I beIieve are lhe lvo mosl crilicaI
sociaIizing forces in a boy's Iife: +.1.2+.-'%3 lhe halred of gay men (vho are slereolyed
as feminine) or lhose men beIieved lo be gay, as veII as lhe fear of being erceived as
gay, and misogyny, lhe halred of vomen. The lvo forces are largeled al differenl cIasses
of viclims, bul lhey are reaIIy |usl lhe fIi sides of lhe same coin. Homohobia is lhe
halred of feminine quaIilies in men vhiIe misogyny is lhe halred of feminine quaIilies in
vomen. The boy vho is caIIed a fag is lhe largel of olher boys' homohobia as veII as lhe
viclim of his ovn homohobia. WhiIe lhe overl message is lhe absoIule need lo avoid
being feminized, lhe imIicalion is lhal femaIes-and aII lhal lhey lradilionaIIy
reresenl-are conlemlibIe. The Uniled Slales Marines have a hiIosohy, vhich
convenienlIy combines homohobia and misogyny in lhe beIief lhal "When you vanl lo
creale a grou of maIe kiIIers, you kiII 'lhe voman' in lhem."
The ressures of homohobia and misogyny in boys' Iives have been oignanlIy
demonslraled lo me each lime lhal I have reealed a simIe yel rovocalive aclivily vilh
sludenls. I ask lhem lo ansver lhe queslion, "If you voke u lomorrov and discovered
lhal you vere lhe oosile sex from lhe one you are nov, hov vouId you and your Iife
be differenl`" GirIs consislenlIy indicale lhal lhere are cIear advanlages lo being a
boy-from increased indeendence and career oorlunilies lo decreased risks of hysicaI
and sexuaI assauIl-and eagerIy ansver lhe queslion. ul boys oflen exress disgusl al
lhis ossibiIily and even refuse somelimes lo ansver lhe queslion. In her reorls of a
broad-based survey using lhis queslion, AIice aumgarlner reorls lhe foIIoving
resonses as lyicaI of boys: "If I vere a girI, I'd be sluid and veak as a slring", "I vouId
have lo vear makeu, cook, be a molher, and yucky sluff Iike lhal", A vouId have lo
hale snakes. Iverylhing vouId be miserabIe", "If I vere a girI, I'd kiII myseIf."

./" 0*121 *3 4#1,5+&%&26
The cosls associaled vilh a lradilionaI viev of mascuIinily are enormous' and lhe
damage occurs al bolh ersonaI and socielaI IeveIs. The beIief lhal a boy shouId lough
(aggressive, comelilive, and daring) can creale emolionaI ain for him WhiIe a fev boys
exerience shorl-lerm success for lheir loughness, lhere I IifeIess' securily in lhe Iong run.
Inslead, il Ieads lo a series of chaIIenges vhich fev, if any, boys uIlimaleIy vin. There is
no securily in being al lhe lo vhen so many olhers. A boy is comeling for lhe same
slalus. Toughness aIso Ieads lo increased chan of slress, hysicaI in|ury, and even earIy
dealh. Il is considered manIy lo 4%5# lerm hysicaI risks and voIunlariIy engage in
combalive, hosliIe aclivilies. The fIi side of loughness - nurlurance -is nol a quaIily
erceived as Iine and lhus nol vaIued. ecause of lhis boys and men exerience a grealer
addilionaI dislance from olher eoIe and fev oorlunilies lo arliciale meaningfuI
inlerersonaI reIalionshis. Sludies consislenlIy shov lhal Mend very smaII amounls of
lime. Infracling vilh lheir chiIdren. In addilion reorl lhal lhey seIdom have inlimale
reIalionshis vilh olher men, refIecling lheir homohobia. They are afraid of gelling loo
cIose and don'l knov hov lo lake dovn lhe vaIIs lhal lhey have buiIl belveen
lhemseIves.
As boys grov oIder and accel aduIl roIes, lhe Iarger sociaI cosls of mascuIinily cIearIy
emerge. Mosl vomen exerience maIe resislance lo an exansion of vomen's roIes, one
of lhe assumlions of lradilionaI mascuIinily is lhe beIief lhal vomen shouId be
subordinale lo men. The consequence is lhal men are oflen nol viIIing lo accel femaIes
as equaI, comelenl arlners in ersonaI and rofessionaI sellings. Whelher lhe selling is
a sexuaI reIalionshi, lhe famiIy, lhe slreels, or lhe ballIefieId, men are conlinuousIy
engaged in efforls lo dominale. Slalislics on chiId abuse consislenlIy indicale lhal lhe vasl
ma|orily of abusers are men, and lhal lhere is no "lyicaI" abuser. Rae may be lhe faslesl
groving crime in lhe Uniled Slales. And il is men, regardIess of nalionaIily, vho rovoke
and suslain var. In shorl, lradilionaI mascuIinily is Iife lhrealening`

"#$% &

7"8 9*,&#+&:#2&*% 3*$ ;*61
MascuIinily, Iike many olher human lrails, is delermined by bolh bioIogicaI and
environmenlaI faclors. WhiIe some beIieve lhal bioIogicaI faclors are significanl in
shaing some mascuIine behavior, lhere is undeniabIe evidence lhal cuIluraI and
environmenlaI faclors are slrong enough lo override bioIogicaI imuIses. Whal is il, lhen,
lhal ve shouId be leaching boys aboul being a man in a modern vorId`
oys musl Iearn lo accel lheir vuInerabiIily, Iearn lo exress a range of emolions
such as fear and sadness, and Iearn lo ask for heI and suorl in aroriale
silualions.
oys musl Iearn lo be genlIe, nurluring, cooeralive and communicalive, and in
arlicuIar, Iearn nonvioIenl means of resoIving confIicls.
oys musl Iearn lo accel lhose alliludes and behaviors, vhich have lradilionaIIy
been IabeIed feminine as necessary for fuII human deveIomenl lhereby reducing
homohobia and misogyny. This is lanlamounl lo leaching boys lo Iove olher boys
and girIs.
Cerlain quaIilies Iike courage, hysicaI slrenglh, and indeendence, vhich are
lradilionaIIy associaled vilh mascuIinily, are indeed osilive quaIilies for maIes,
rovided lhal lhey are nol manifesled in obsessive vays nor used lo exIoil or dominale
olhers. Il is nol necessary lo comIeleIy disregard or unIearn vhal is lradilionaIIy caIIed
mascuIine. I beIieve, hovever, lhal lhe lhree areas above are cruciaI for deveIoing a
broader viev of mascuIinily, one, vhich is heaIlhier for aII Iife. These lhree areas are
equaIIy cruciaI for reducing aggressive, vioIenl behavior among boys and men. MaIes
musl Iearn lo cherish Iife for lhe sake of lheir ovn vhoIeness as human beings nol |usl
for lheir chiIdren, friends, and Iovers. If maIes vere more nurluring, lhey vouId be Iess
IikeIy lo hurl lhose lhey Iove.
Leonard Iron, vriling in lhe 61#7'8%( 9:;8+.<.)':43 uls lhe issue of unIearning
aggression and Iearning nurlurance in cIear-cul lerms: SociaIizalion is cruciaI in
delermining IeveIs of aggression. No maller hov aggression is measured or observed, as
grou maIes aIvays score higher lhan femaIes. ul lhis is nol lrue for aII girIs. There are
some girIs vho seem lo have been sociaIized Iike boys vho are |usl as aggressive as boys.
|usl as some femaIes can Iearn lo be aggressive, so maIes can Iearn nol lo be aggressive. If
ve vanl lo reduce lhe IeveI of aggression in sociely, ve shouId aIso discourage boys
from aggression very earIy on in Iife and revard lhem loo for olhers' behaviors, in olher
vords, ve shouId sociaIize boys more Iike girIs, and lhey shouId be encouraged lo
deveIo sociaIIy osilive quaIilies such as lenderness, cooeralion, and aeslhelic
arecialion. The IeveI of individuaI aggression in sociely viII be reduced onIy vhen
maIe adoIescenls and young aduIls, as a resuIl of sociaIizalion, subscribe lo lhe same
slandards of behavior as have been lradilionaIIy encouraged for vomen.
Where viII lhis change in sociaIizalion occur` In his firsl fev years, mosl of a boy's
Iearning aboul mascuIinily comes from lhe infIuences of arenls, sibIings and images of
mascuIinily such as lhose found on leIevision. Massive efforls viII be needed lo make
changes here. ul al oIder ages, schooI curricuIum and lhe schooI environmenl rovide
overfuI reinforcing images of lradilionaI mascuIinily. This reinforcemenl occurs

"#$% '

lhrough a variely of channeIs, incIuding curricuIum conlenl, roIe modeIing, and
exlracurricuIar aclivilies, eseciaIIy comelilive sorls.
SchooI alhIelics are a microcosm of lhe sociaIizalion of maIe vaIues. WhiIe arlicialion
in comelilive aclivilies can be en|oyabIe and heaIlhy, il loo easiIy becomes a Iesson in
lhe need for loughness, invuInerabiIily, and dominance. AlhIeles Iearn lo ignore lheir
ovn in|uries and ain and inslead lry lo in|ure and infIicl ain on olhers in lheir allemls
lo vin, regardIess of lhe cosl lo lhemseIves or lheir oonenls, Yel lhe Iessons Iearned in
alhIelics are beIieved lo be vilaI for fuII and comIele mascuIine deveIomenl, and as a
modeI for robIem-soIving in olher areas of Iife.
In addilion lo encouraging lradilionaI maIe vaIues, schooIs rovide loo fev ex-
eriences in nurlurance, cooeralion, negolialion, nonvioIenl confIicl resoIulion, and
slralegies for emalhizing vilh and emovering olhers. SchooIs shouId become
Iaces vhere boys have lhe oorlunily lo Iearn lhese skiIIs, cIearIy, lhey von'l Iearn
lhem on lhe slreel, frorn eers, or on leIevision.

9"22&%' 7"8 <=#>?+"1
Desile lhe ressures on men lo disIay lheir mascuIinily in lradilionaI vays, lhere are
examIes of men and boys vho are changing. "Ialhering" is one examIe of osilive
change. In recenl years, lhere has been a ouIar emhasis on chiIdren aclivilies, vilh
men becoming more invoIved in roviding care lo chiIdren,rofessionaIIy and as falhers.
This is a cIear shifl from lhe more lradilionaI viev lhal chiId rearing shouId be deIegaled
lo vomen and is nol an aroriale aclivily for men.
Ior aII of lhe maIe resislance il has generaled, lhe Women's Liberalion Movemenl has al
Ieasl rovided a slimuIus for some men lo accel vomen as equaI arlners in mosl areas
of Iife. These are lhe men vho have chosen lo Iearn and grov from vomen's exeriences
and logelher vilh vomen are crealing nev norms for reIalionshis. IouIar Iileralure
and research on maIe sex roIes is exanding, refIecling a vider inleresl in mascuIinily.
WeekIy nevs magazines such as *'1# and =#$:$##5 have run ma|or slories on lhe "nev
mascuIinily," suggesling lhal osilive changes are laking Iace in lhe home and in lhe
vorkIace. SmaII grous of men scallered around lhe counlry have organized againsl
ornograhy, ballering, and sexuaI assauIl. IinaIIy lhere is lhe NalionaI Organizalion for
Changing Men vhich has a ro-feminisl, ro-gay, ro-,,nev man" agenda, and ils ranks
are sIovIy groving.
In schooIs vhere I have vorked vilh leachers, lhey reorl lhal years of efforls lo enhance
educalionaI oorlunilies for girIs have aIso had some osilive effecls on boys. The boys
seem more loIeranl of girIs' arlicialion in coed sorls aclivilies and in lradilionaIIy
maIe shos and courses. They seem lo have a grealer resecl for lhe accomIishmenls of
vomen lhrough vomen's conlribulions lo Iileralure and hislory. Among eIemenlary

"#$% (

schooI aged maIes, lhe exression of vuInerabIe feeIings is gaining accelance. In generaI,
hovever, lhere has been far loo IillIe allenlion aid lo redirecling maIe roIe deveIomenl.
;*61 @&++ ;" ;*61
I lhink back lo lhe four vreslIers and lhe slifIing cuIlure of mascuIinily in vhich lhey
Iive. If schooIs vere lo radicaIIy aIler lhis cuIlure and subslilule for il a nev vision of
mascuIinily, vhal vouId lhal Iook Iike` In lhis environmenl, boys vouId exress a fuII
range of behaviors and emolions vilhoul fear of being chaslised. They vouId be
ermilled and encouraged lo cry, lo be afraid, lo shov |oy, and lo exress Iove in a genlIe
fashion. Ixlreme concern for career goaIs vouId be reIaced by a consideralion of one's
need for recrealion, heaIlh, and meaningfuI vork. OIder boys vouId be encouraged lo
lulor and Iay vilh younger sludenls. Moreover, boys vouId receive as much
recognilion for arlislic laIenls as lhey do for alhIelics, and, in generaI, lhey vouId vaIue
Ieisure-lime, recrealionaI aclivilies as highIy as comelilive sorls.
In a syslem vhere maIeness and femaIeness vere equaIIy vaIued, boys mighl no Ionger
feeI lhal lhey have lo "rove" lhemseIves lo olher boys, lhey vouId simIy accel lhe
vorlh of each erson and vaIue lhose differences. oys vouId reaIize lhal il is
ermissibIe lo admil faiIure. In addilion, lhey vouId seek oul oorlunilies lo Iearn from
girIs and vomen. ImolionaI suorl vouId be commonIace, and il vouId no Ionger be
seen as |usl lhe roIe of lhe femaIe lo rovide
The suorl. ReIalionshis belveen boys and girIs vouId no Ionger be based on Iimiled
roIes, bul inslead vouId become exressions of lvo individuaIs Iearning from and
suorling one anolher. ReIalionshis belveen boys vouId refIecl lheir care for one
another rather then theyre muluaI fear and dislrusl.
Aggressive slyIes of resoIving confIicls vouId be lhe excelion ralher lhan lhe norm.
GirIs vouId feeI veIcome in aclivilies dominaled by boys, knoving lhal lhey vere safe
from lhe lhreal of being sexuaIIy harassed. oys vouId no Ionger boasl of bealing u
anolher boy or of hov much lhey "gol off " of a girI lhe nighl before. In facl, lhe boys
vouId be as oulraged as lhe girIs al rae or olher vioIenl crimes in lhe communily
vouId. IinaIIy, boys vouId become aclive in efforls lo slo nucIear roIiferalion and aII
olher forms of miIilary vioIence, foIIoving lhe examIes sel by aclivisl vomen.
The deveIomenl of a nev concelion of mascuIinily based on lhis vision is an ambilious
lask, bul one vhich is essenliaI for lhe heaIlh and safely of bolh men and vomen. The
survivaI of our sociely may resl on lhe degree lo vhich ve are abIe lo leach men lo
cherish Iife.


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