Contents

South Carolina: What would Jesus change? p. 6

September 17, 2009 VOLUME 5 Issue 2
Editor-In-Chief Todd Morehead
todd@columbiacitypaper.com

ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos

News.Politics.Commentary
jtrunkos@columbiacitypaper.com

Design
Megan Weeks, Bobby Sutton
Letters to the reader dear Joe Wilson 3 Vocal Booth
regional briefs candidate to give away AK-47 3 Kingsley Waring
Statehouse report you lie, joe wilson! 4
Mr. Meaners special college crime edition 4 Publisher
feature Truckers with nukes 5 Paul Blake
ted rall Karzai the impotent dictator 8 paul@columbiacitypaper.com
Good Fight war against healthcare has deep resonance here 9 Pg. 6
Account Executives

Arts.Entertainment.Etc
James Wallace

Contributors
Andy Brack, Graeme Fouste, Harry S. Iarch,
jonesin crosswords 4 Magdalene Kellett, Ismail Lagardien, WR Marshall,
Bacardi soundboard punk/indie/emo/ska/hardcore/metal/rock 6 Will Moredock, Ted Rall, Fred Richardson,
Vocal booth THE EMCEE INTERVIEW 10 Dan Savage, Mike Serge,
savage love spank the one you love 14 Greg Slattery, Michael Spawn, Kingsley Waring
Rock and Roll crosswords 15
Ask a Mexican special “el” edition 15
arts art + Cayce sculptural wonderland 17 Columbia City Paper
Theater Preview “Go, Dog. Go!” at Columbia Children’s Theatre 18 2965 North Main Street
19 Pg. 10 Columbia, SC 29201
colatheater.com “the producers” at workshop theatre 803.218.9455

Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia City Paper is free. Additional copies
are $1 and two-bits each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC
 Letters to the Reader
Dear grandparents,
In honor of Grandparent’s Day in Sep-
tember, we have decided to forego any
wisecracks about senility, adult diapers,
weird hair growth, dentures, old lady afros,
stretch pants, orthopedic shoes, bad driving,
public flatulence, varicose veins, high fiber
diets, old episodes of “Dr. Quinn, Medicine
Woman,” erectile dysfunction, coupon sav-
ings, Guidepost articles, discounted medica-
tion and your quilter’s circle at church. So,
enjoy, Grandma. (Because it’s open season
on your old ass again next month.)
Columbia City Paper
Dear Joe Wilson,
Thanks for helping me win a bet. While
listening to the president’s remarks in real
time, my friend and I heard the outburst and
I remarked, “I’ll bet whoever just yelled that
is from South Carolina.” “Nah, c’mon,” my
TV mate answered. “Listen,” I replied, “any
time something backwards and moronic
happens on a national stage, chances are a
denizen of this state is behind it.” “I’ll bet
you $20,” he challenged. ...And now I’m a
twenty spot richer and have a betting record
of 5-0. You hayseeds keep it up! I’ll be able
to retire early at this rate!
Columbia City Paper
Dear truck stop speed,
Holy crapthisstuffreallyhelpedmeoutun
derdeadline,butit’sbeen28hoursandmyhan
dsarestillshakingandmycatwon’tletmeany-
wherenearhimbecausemyeyeslookfunny.
Maybemorecoffeewillhelp. Yeah,morecoffe
ewillprobablyhelp.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Christians,
This week’s editorial is in no way in-
tended to mock your faith and is, instead,
a legitimate revelation –scripture, if you
will—that the author believes came verba-
tim from the Lord. See, the wonderful thing
about Christianity in America is that it is
open to infinite interpretation, with no in-
terpretation being any more far-fetched than
another and with any practitioner allowed
–and in most cases encouraged—to claim
to receive orders directly from God. Our
publisher claiming to have received a vision
from an angel touting Jesus’ golden USB
stick is as valid as the father of Mormonism
digging up golden plates in his backyard in
New York. It is as valid as Jose Luis De Je-
sus Miranda claiming to be Jesus incarnate;
Benny Hinn claiming to heal people; or your
Southern Baptist preacher telling you that
God hates fags next Sunday. No interpre-
tation is more valid than the next. So, save
your hate mail; after all, it’s blasphemous to
disagree with the Lord.
Columbia City Paper
ANDERSON
Unemployed man found dead in tent
An Anderson man who was laid off from
his job last year and disappeared two months
ago, was found dead in a tent from pneumonia
and malnourishment.
Anderson County Deputy Coroner Charlie
Boseman said David Scott Condon, 39, died
alone, nude and with no food in stomach,
according to media reports. Condon was
reported missing on Aug. 1, after his friends
and family were unable to locate him. The
missing persons report indicated that Condon
had stopped taking his anti-seizure medication
and had fallen into depression following his
layoff. His body was found in a tent that
he’d pitched behind a complex of vacation
condominiums.
CLOVER
Schoolteacher tricked into drinking
hand sanitizer
A teacher at Clover Middle School got a
taste of hand sanitizer after she left her drink
unattended with students.
According to a York County Sheriff’s
Office report, the teacher reported a “peculiar
taste” when she took a slug of her tea, noticed
a foreign substance floating in her drink, and
realized it was the Purell brand hand sanitizer
she kept in her desk.
All five students who were in the room at
the time of the incident told school officials
they didn’t see anyone tamper with the teacher’s
drink. Police are treating the incident as an
assault.
GAFFNEY
Teen chokes to death on hot dog at
church pool party
A 16-year-old teen has died after choking
on a hot dog, according to the Cherokee County
coroner’s office. According to reports, Jeremy
Antonio Sailem, collapsed in the kitchen in a
Gaffney home during a pool party for a church
youth group. EMTs performed CPR and used
a defibrillator in attempt to revive the teen
shortly after church members and friends tried
unsuccessful to dislodge the obstruction.
MYRTLE BEACH
Boat destroyed by rogue waves
Two rogue waves –spontaneous open ocean
waves that rise twice as high as surrounding
waves—reportedly smashed and sank a North
Myrtle Beach shrimp boat off the coast of
Charleston.
The Captain Smoke was reduced to splin-
tered wreckage and floating debris 45 miles off
the coast after it was overcome by the two rogue
waves on an otherwise calm sea, according to
the Charleston Post and Courier. The boat was
reportedly equipped with an emergency beacon
and a man onboard the vessel was able to send
a mayday call to the U.S. Coast Guard before
the ship went under. All three fishermen aboard
were rescued.
The National Ocean Service once docu-
mented a rogue wave around 60 feet tall off the
coast of Charleston in the Gulf Stream.
GREENVILLE
Political candidate to give away AK-47 at
fundraiser
Dean Allen, a Republican candidate for SC
adjutant general, has announced plans to give
away an AK-47 at his “Machinegun Social”
fundraiser at a Greenville area shooting range
on Sept. 26.
“This event is all about celebrating our Sec-
ond Amendment right to keep and bear arms,”
Allen said in a statement. “We are celebrating
these rights in the hopes the liberals in this
country never get the chance to take our Second
Amendment rights away from us.”
Tickets to the event are $25 and entrants in
the free machine gun contest must be legal resi-
dents of South Carolina, meet all requirements
to own a gun, and must fill out an entry form at
Allen Arms in Greenville.
If elected, Allen, a combat veteran who
served in Korea and Vietnam, will replace Maj.
Gen. Stan Spears, also a Republican, who has
held the position since 1995.
September 17, 2009 3

you lie!
SEPT. 13, 2009 – Thanks to Congressman
Joe Wilson of Lexington, the Palmetto State has
had another Chamber of Commerce moment
– one of those times where the state shines and
becomes the envy of the world. Right?
Wrong. Wilson’s inane outburst of “You
lie!” during a major presidential address on
health care reform not only gave the state another
black eye, but it set up comedian/TV host Jon
Stewart for another scathing attack when he
returns Monday from a three-week hiatus. It is
inconceivable that Stewart, who skewered the
state recently over continuing revelations about
philandering Gov. Mark Sanford, will ignore the
latest part of South Carolina history that most
already should want to forget.
As best as we can tell, there really are only
three people who will benefit from Wilson’s
eruption of misinformed vitriol: Wilson, who
will raise re-election money from wingnuts
who see conspiracy at every corner; Democratic
opponent Rob Miller, who already has raised
jackpots of money from thousands of people
irritated with Wilson; and our governor, who
as Charleston columnist Brian Hicks has noted,
may be thankful that Wilson’s behavior took the
media focus off his own.
Good one, Joe. Not that South Carolina
didn’t already have egg on its face and look like
a banana state. Not that we didn’t already have
an historical image problem fueled by everything
from the Confederate flag on Statehouse grounds
to Susan Smith to the Orangeburg Massacre
and, for some people, even the shelling of Fort
Sumter.
At least Wilson had the decency to apologize.
Or did he really? According to a report in the
Greenville News, Wilson stood by his story on
the day after his remark that Obama was incorrect
when he said illegal immigrants wouldn’t receive
coverage under health care reform. Wilson told
a Columbia television station that he thought
Obama didn’t know what was in the bill.
But according to PolitiFact, the Pulitizer-
Prize-winning, fact-checking news site operated
by the respected St. Petersburg Times, Wilson is
the one who is dead wrong:
“We read all 1,000-plus pages of the
health care bill and were struck by the fact
that it is largely silent on health care for illegal
immigrants. … Actually, Obama can make a
4 September 3, 2009
pretty thorough case that reform doesn’t apply
to those here illegally. We don’t find the public
option argument enough to make the case that
Obama “lied.” We rate Wilson’s statement
False.” More.
Perhaps what people really should be
discussing now are the underpinnings of reform
– the need for more open discussion and civility
on all issues – that Obama discussed in his
Wednesday night address. Obama referred to
a letter from the late Sen. Ted Kennedy that he
received after his death. It talked about how the
health care debate really was a discussion on
the “character of our country.” The president
reflected, “That large-heartedness -- that concern
and regard for the plight of others -- is not
a partisan feeling.  It’s not a Republican or
a Democratic feeling.  It, too, is part of the
American character.”
At the end of his remarks, Obama called for
members of Congress to lift the debate beyond
partisan bickering. He was, in essence, asking
Americans to take the growing hyperpartisanship
on everything discussed in public out of
overdrive. (Recall how people were actually
in fear this month that Obama would try to
inculcate school children with socialist ideas
during what turned out to be an inspiring speech
about taking responsibility for education)
“We did not come to fear the future.  We
came here to shape it.  I still believe we can
act even when it’s hard.  I still believe -- I still
believe that we can act when it’s hard.  I still
believe we can replace acrimony with civility,
and gridlock with progress.  I still believe we can
do great things, and that here and now we will
meet history’s test. Because that’s who we are.  attempting to sell them back to Addam’s
That is our calling.  That is our character.”  University Bookstore. The confusing part is why
It’s not too much to ask for civil debate about
ideas without a congressmen spewing vitriol
during a presidential address. It’s not too much
to ask our state legislators to get down to the real
and hard work of governing, instead of focusing
on things that aren’t really problems.
We can do better, South Carolina.
Andy Brack, publisher of S.C. Statehouse
Report, can be reached at: brack@
statehousereport.com.
Mr. Meaner’s
CRIME WATCH
Subjects are innocent until proven guilty, this is not a court of law
Compiled by Michael Stafford
As you all know, college is back in full
swing, and we thought we’d treat you to a
special update on how SC’s best and brightest
are settling in. Here’s what the kiddies have
been up to:
Barnwell Street
A police officer responded to reports of
a strong odor of marijuana outside a dorm
room. Two roommates and a visiting friend
admitted to smoking pot, and handed over
their paraphernalia readily. The final count:
Ziploc baggie and empty pill bottle containing
marijuana, a glass pipe, “Gatorade bong”, digital
scale, small green lizard pipe, pill bottle of
Adderall and beer. (Sounds like a press night at
our offices.) Michael Phelps, you may be gone,
but your spirit lives on.
Russell House Bookstore
Complainant witnessed a suspect shoplift
five textbooks valued at $607 from the Russell
House bookstore. Suspect was later apprehended
the suspect didn’t sell them on Amazon instead;
everyone knows the bookstores don’t pay shit.
Devine Street
A student’s father complained that her 27”
DVD/VCR combo TV had been stolen from the
sidewalk where he’d left it while he was moving
other items into her room. Witness reports led to
the suspect, who stated she’d taken it because
she thought it was being thrown away. Let this
be a lesson to you, dad: don’t leave televisions
on the sidewalk if you want them to be there
when you get back.
Lincoln Street
Complainant reported that someone had
drained the entire freon supply of the air
conditioning unit at a fraternity house, and it
cost $480 to replace it. It’s a sad commentary
on the state of the economy when thieves
are targeting air conditioning freon from frats
instead of rufies.
Russell House
Police responded to call about a suspicious
person in Russell House. When subject was
approached, he stated he was a student, but
when asked for his ID he said he didn’t have it.
Dispatch checked his name and date of birth and
subject wasn’t listed as a student in university
records. Subject then became irate and began
to yell profanity at staff. When he refused to
calm down, he was arrested and then discovered
to have prior trespass notices and warrants for
arrest. We remember with mixed fondness and
an aching stomach our own days at the Gimp,
and wonder frankly what in the world could be
so compelling.
Blossom Street
A police officer was understandably
surprised when a black Cadillac ran a red light
right in front of him. When the cop pulled
him over, the driver said he had seen the cop
but refused to wait more than 90 seconds at a
red light. When the officer ran his license he
discovered that it was suspended for unpaid
traffic tickets. Columbia City Paper also has
personal little rules and rituals about driving, but
they generally involve things like not running
red lights in front of cops while driving with a
suspended license.
Greene Street
A police officer was approached by a
complainant who said his Jeep Wrangler’s hard
top had been stolen. He said his car had broken
down on the interstate several days before and
he had removed the $700 hard top so that no one
would steal it. After what surely must have been
a heroic effort to lug a hard top back to campus,
he hid it behind Bates Residence Hall and left it
unsecured. Cause, you know, a foolproof way to
make sure no one steals the hard top from your
car is to give them a much easier way to steal it
from behind a building.
Lincoln Street
A police officer responding to a smoke
detector alarm noted the strong smell of marijuana
and presence of a “leafy green substance.” Kids,
if you’re going to heed the RA lecture about not
blocking or obscuring your smoke detectors,
you’d probably better listen to the one about not
smoking marijuana in your rooms too.
Lincoln and Whaley Streets
Trend Watch: In separate incidents, two
under-21s were approached by officers for
suspicion of public intoxication. When asked
for ID, both produced driver’s licenses showing
them to be underage. In both instances, cops
noticed fake IDs in their wallets showing the
suspects to be over 21. One stated he’d had his
made in New York before coming to USC for
school, and one said he’d found his on the street
of his hometown in Georgia and had been using
it to procure alcohol since. Here’s a tip: keep
your fake ID in a separate part of your wallet
from your real ID. Otherwise, it looks very
suspicious when the cops bust you for public
drunkenness.
Whaley Street
Complainant called police when she found
a baggie containing a “leafy green substance”
in the kitchen drawer of her apartment. When
officer arrived, all three roommates denied
ownership of the substance, so all three were
charged with possession since it was in a
common area. Sounds like the worst game of
“Not It!” ever.
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS
“Tune In, Drop Out”--who needs high school?
by Matt Jones
Across
1 Novelist Waugh
5 Oozing
10 Annapolis sch.
14 First two notes of a descending
scale
15 ___ Dame
16 16-bit console of the 1990s, for
short
17 “Thriller” director who dropped
out of high school
19 Fox show that takes place in
various cities
20 Org. with a “Trick-or-Treat”
donation box
21 Volleyball need
23 Hwy., for one
24 [it was wrong before I quoted it]
25 Rapper/actor who dropped out of
high school
29 Field combatants?
31 Suffix after New Jersey or Israel
32 Cease to exist
33 Digital camera variety, for short
34 Company that developed FOR-
TRAN
35 English, across the border
36 TV chef and author who dropped
out of high school
39 Oscar winner Tomei
42 Over 7 on the pH scale: abbr.
43 Fond du ___, Wisconsin
46 Journalist ___ Rogers St. Johns
47 Org. that holds the Masters
48 “The Tortoise and the Hare”
writer
50 Daredevil who dropped out of
high school
53 Household stain remover sold
on TV
54 Took the plunge
55 Company that introduced AIM
56 “Buon ___” (“Merry Christmas,”
in Italy)
58 Buffalo’s county
60 Animator who dropped out of
high school to join the army (but
was rejected)
63 Ultrafast jets
64 Console that came with paddles
and joysticks
65 End of an Ali strategy
66 Pop quiz, e.g.
67 Gulf of Aden country
68 Tear violently
Down
1 Get used (to)
2 Nut cases
3 Part of PETA
4 Abbr. that denotes “U.S. presi-
dent”
5 Chaotic
6 One billion years
7 Airport terminal abbr.
8 Paisley Park Records founder
9 Some questionnaire answers
10 The Trojans, for short
11 Surface-swimming equipment
12 It may come close to Uranus
13 Says it’s so
18 “___ Fall in Love”
22 “Is it bigger ___ breadbox?”
26 Soft drink that used to be a Mr.
27 Start of some humorous com-
ments from elders
28 Diamond pattern
30 Clay character who said “Oh
no!” a lot
34 Henry ___ Award for college
basketball coach of the year
35 Category
37 Gourmet food mecca of Japan
38 Rapper in a Viking helmet,
familiarly
39 Sultry star of early talkies
40 Unfavorable
41 Goes back to fix the paragraph
again
44 Words after “cute” or “calm”
45 Actress Dewhurst of “Anne of
Green Gables”
47 Pontius ___
48 Jai ___ (fast-paced sport)
49 Acted like a predator
51 “I don’t believe it!”
52 ___ a tie (require overtime)
57 Winter Palace ruler
59 Self-help workshop movement
of the 1970s
61 On the ___ (fleeing)
62 Uno plus due
©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (edi-
tor@jonesincrosswords.com)
For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-
900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute.
Must be 18+. Or to bill to
your credit card, call: 1-800-655-
6548. Reference puzzle #0431. 1
Photos courtesy of NoNukesYall.org and Friends of the Earth
by Todd Morehead
Responding to a Freedom of
Information Act request filed by the Friends
of the Earth environmental organization,
the U.S. Dept. of Energy (DOE) recently
released color photos of 18-wheeler trucks
used to transport weapons grade plutonium,
uranium and other nuclear materials over
local highways to the Savannah River
Nuclear Site for disposal. Prior to the DOE
release, the only public image of the trucks
and their escort vehicles belonged to Tom
Clements, the Southeastern Campaign
Coordinator of Friends of the Earth, who
snapped a photo of the vehicles leaving the
Charleston Naval Weapons Station with
plutonium shipments bound of SRS and
Duke Energy’s Catawba reactor in 2005.
The trucks in the recently released DOE
photos are likely the same type as those
used in recent plutonium shipments from
the Hanford site in Washington State to the
Savannah River Site (SRS). The K-Area
Material Storage facility at SRS is slated
to house approximately 13 metric tons of
“non-pit” (never weaponized) plutonium,
Allen Gunter, an SRS-based DOE manager,
told City Paper in a Jan., 2008 report.
According to DOE, “Safeguard
Transporters” (SGTs) or “Safe Secure
Transports” (SSTs), are specially designed
components of an 18-wheel rig that
incorporate various deterrents to prevent
unauthorized removal of cargo and to
protect the cargo against damage in the
event of an accident.
“The thermal characteristics of the
SGT would allow the trailer to be totally
engulfed in a fire without incurring damage
to the cargo,” the National Nuclear Security
Administration (NNSA) said in a statement.
“The tractors are standard production units
that have been modified to provide the
federal agents against attack.”
In addition, the trucks are driven by
federal agents and escorted by unmarked,
armed vehicles. Routing details are
classified and state officials aren’t notified
when a shipment passes along its highways.
The drivers don’t pick their routes to
SRS. Instead, their routes are selected
using RADTRAN or TRAGIS routing
programs that factor in road conditions,
accident rates, population centers, etc.,
into account.
According to the NNSA, the SGTs
have logged more than 100 million miles
without incident.
Still, no vehicle is completely
impervious to accidents. According to the
Jan., 2008 City Paper report, the actual
containers that store the nuclear waste
within the trucks are not indestructible.
The containers (a.k.a. the “9975 package”)
are comprised of a primary and secondary
containment vessel: nested stainless steel
tubes wrapped by a half-inch lead jacket.
This assembly is placed in the “overpack,”
a 35-gallon stainless steel drum with an
inner padding of Celotex rings. (Celotex
is a type of fiberboard with a consistency
reminiscent of stiff felt. It is commonly
used to sheath houses.) To be certified, the
9975s must not release their contents after
a 30-foot drop onto an unyielding surface,
puncture by a stationary iron pin and a 30-
minute engulfing fire burning at 1475° F.
One 9975 design was scrapped when it
was discovered that the outer lids opened
when the containers were dropped on their
lid end at a 45 degree angle, risking the
integrity of the container’s 1475° F fire
resistance (Celotex burns at temperatures
above 350° F and lead melts at 622° F).
The fault was remedied after redesign.
A series of bolts now secures the lid.
The DOE classifies hypothetical
radiological transport accidents on an
eight-point scale that was implemented
in 1977. A Category VIII crash scenario
involves a tractor-trailer collision at a
speed of 55 mph and a hot fire, but one
that only burns for an hour and a half. The
simulation calculates around 114 cancer
fatalities based on a 10 percent release
of radioactive material, depending on the
number of people in the contaminated
area.
But, Gunner is confident. “These
containers aren’t going to open up in a
wreck,” he told City Paper.
Still, now that SC motorists know
which trucks to look for, they can keep
their distance, just in case.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
September 17, 2009 5
 An Editorial By Jesus Christ
A lot of South Carolinians have been out
of work lately. Almost 12 percent. That
gives a little more than one-tenth of you quite
a bit of time to stew before you head back
to work … eventually. (Hopefully some of
you are using this time as an opportunity for
a little extracurricular administration of the
Golden Rule and good old-fashioned social
Christianity.)
It also means that more than one out of
every 10 of you might have a taste of what
it’s been like for me these past 2,000 odd
years between jobs. You think you have
it bad! A pink slip and a private escort
from the factory by Roger the security
guard while you cradle your personal items
in a cardboard box? Why don’t you try
crucifixion on for size? Now that’s a way to
get laid off! Then again, the compensation
package wasn’t too bad. Eternity at the right
hand of the Father.
At any rate, I’ve had a lot of time to
think about when (and where) the Old Man
might put me back on the job. So imagine
my surprise when he told me it was time to
claim the eternal kingdom and that he had
arranged a little studio garage apartment
for me on Millwood Avenue in Columbia,
South Carolina.
“Really, Pops?” I asked. I looked around
to see if any seraphim were snickering.
The Old Man’s been known to play a trick
from time to time. (See gonorrhea and W’s
second presidential term.)
But it was no joke. The Old Man took
a puff on a cedar of Lebanon, “JC, it’s been
awhile since you did the whole fully human,
fully God thing. Figured you might need to
work off the rust in the armpit of the devil’s
asshole.”
“South Carolina’s that bad?” I asked.
6 September 3, 2009
Pops tapped the ash on his Lebanese
cedar in an ashtray of jasper, sapphire and
chalcedony, an old retirement present from
Shiva. “To be honest, kid, it was a tossup
between there and Mississippi. But at least
Mississippi has William Faulkner. Gotta
give them a little credit. The best those
palmetto buggers ever produced was Pat
Conroy and that Hootie guy. So go shake
things up, turn a few tables, then rid that
diseased planet of evil once and for all.”
Second Coming, here I come!
All right. First things first, because I
have a lot on the docket today. (Do you
have any idea what it’s like to be a Jew in
this town—and a poor Jew at that. You try
being a carpenter during a housing crunch.
Moreover, try walking around Columbia
with a yarmulke on your head. Everywhere
I go, I’m stopped by USC frat boys who
think I’m cheating at Frisbee golf.)
One of the great things about being
part of the godhead, generally, is that I can
render all condemnations of indignation
against anyone—in this case, the entire
Palmetto State—in well under a nanosecond.
Yet my editor tells me newsprint is not a
particularly fluid medium for omniscience.
Thus, I am essentially forced to present
readers with a ranked order of my righteous
anger—which is okay, as I have observed
that a preferred method of communication
for many Americans is the “top ten list.”
(Funny how things don’t change over the
millennia. Moses and the Israelites were
decalogists, too.)
Now, you certainly don’t need Jesus
Christ to tell you that South Carolina has
some pretty major spiritual and social issues
that rate this place somewhere between a
Stars & Stripes third world country and the
laughingstock of the Western Hemisphere.
(You know what they say in Haiti: Thank
God for South Carolina!) And if you do
roof, so I’m wet and damp and stand a good
need Yours Truly to convey that your shit
chance of contracting H1N1 in the coming
stinks to high hell (or low Hades, as it were),
months. Old textbooks and no computers,
boy, are you fucked up! Been sleeping in
so I’m doomed to yet another generation
the Five Points Post Office lately, slurping
of squalor and backwardness. No hope, so
traces of alcohol from crushed cans in the
odds are I’m going to turn to a life of crime,
Group Therapy dumpster? or at best, spend the rest of my days working
So here goes: a cash register at the local BP. Thanks,
South Carolina Supreme Court. Thanks,
JC’s Table-Turnin’, Godly South Carolina General Assembly. Thanks,
Vengeance and Furious Anger South Carolina Governors past and present.
Top Ten List: Thanks, Republican Party. Thanks, fellow
citizens of the Palmetto State. Just you keep
Why Sodom and Gomorrah Ain’t Got in mind: Life on Earth is a wink and a blink.
Nothing on South Carolina Eternity comes without eyelids.
1. Your Capitol Grounds are a 3. Marshall C. Sanford, Jr. King
statuary memorial to several of the worst David. Really? No, seriously. Really?
racists who ever walked Planet Earth— And you did (do!) these things in my name?!
mind you, men who now swim endless Really? As you waved your thunder pole
laps in Phlegethon under the supervision around and stuck it inside the Argentine
of former lynched slaves. Whilst a flag lady, did you not think I was standing in the
commemorating a “traditional” culture of room? Weeping, for your wife and children.
hatred and self-centeredness (the antithesis As you got off the plane from Buenos Aires,
of social Christianity!) flies front and center.
did you not see me there? Weeping, for
You Southern Baptist pickle-heads, can you all the citizens to whom you were lying.
honest to Myself not understand that your When you confessed to the Associated Press
Statehouse grounds are like an old-school about your soul mate, did not see me there?
altar to the gods, wafting the scent of your Weeping, for the shame you were bringing to
filthy cesspool history heavenward? If the sacrament of marriage. Just a reminder:
the NAACP and NCAA won’t do business Speed Bump Six of the Eighth Circle of
with you, how in Paradise do you think the Hell is reserved for those who don’t practice
Trinity feels?! what they preach. You’d be advised to take
a hammer to that hard heart soon: I don’t
2. The Corridor of Shame. Hmm. suffer Hypocrites well.
Let’s see, here’s how my buddy Matthew
wrote it down: “Whatsoever you do unto 4. Anti-Gay South Carolina Male
the least of these, you do unto me.” So here Politicians Who Love Cock. You know
I am, the Christ child, sitting at a school in who you are. [See Item Three above when
the I-95 Corridor. No HVAC system, so it comes to hypocrisy.] As Creator of the
I’m sweating my boyish balls off. A leaky Universe, there is nothing I despise more
than human beings who are not honest
about who they are. Why do you loathe
yourselves? Did I not deliver myself to
Golgotha for you? Do I not daily open
my arms and invite you into the bosom of
Divine love? Yet you would deny your
humanity—an act of Antichrist!—and cause
others who are just like you to suffer. Why?
For a taste of diabolical political power?
Sigh. When will you little chicks learn?
So, I will out you all: I know where all the
pictures and emails and red rubber gag balls
are. (I am all knowing, after all.)
5. Bad Drivers. A bird’s eye view of
Earth from the Heavenly Throne Room is
one thing. But to actually live amongst
you is another thing entirely. I had no idea
how much overtime guardian angels were
putting in on South Carolina’s roadways.
(Die-ways!) Where in My Name did you
people learn to drive? Those red octagons
at intersections: those are called stop
signs. They mean FRIGGIN’ STOP! And
when the power goes out, a blinking red
semaphore IS A BLOODY STOP SIGN!
(Know what makes Satan squeal with glee?
Two South Carolinians driving 40 miles
per hour perpendicularly in an ice storm.)
And tailgating is an act of passive violence
that is liable to land you in the outskirts
of the Seventh Circle of Hell if you’re not
careful. I shouldn’t be too surprised, though:
a people group which invests so little in
education is bound to be the dumbest runt of
the conveyance litter. Tsk-tsk.
6. Salt and Pepper fighting on the
table. To Caucasians and African-Americans
alike: Turn the cheek. Love your fellow
human being. Even crackheads know better:
“Can’t we all just get along?” Your Messiah
sighs.
7. Investment in education, education,
education. Want less crime? Want more
industry (minus that military industrial
complex bullshit)? Want more money for
Civil War reenactments (which is the lesser
of two evils compared to all this Iraq-
Afghanistan genocidal nonsense)? I’m no
“To tell you the truth, I’m no Democrat. That
whole “Give unto Caesar” bit. But I’ll tell
you what: I sure the hell ain’t no Republican!”
economist, but in my capacity as Lord of the
Universe, I’m just saying.
8. State Senator John M. “Jake”
Knotts, Jr., former State Board of
Education Chair Kristin Maguire, U.S
Representative Joe “You Lie!” Wilson,
and all their Right Wing Republican Nut
Job Ilk. Banish them. Now. (To tell you
the truth, I’m no Democrat. That whole
“Give unto Caesar” bit. But I’ll tell you
what: I sure the hell ain’t no Republican!)
9. On August 29, 2009, the American
Nazi Party and the International Knights
of the Ku Klux Klan held a meet and
greet social gathering in Laurens, South
Carolina, to promote the Aryan struggle
for the political and territorial domination
of North America. Need I say more? And
while I’m at it, don’t think you’re not at
least partially culpable for Erik “COBRA
Commander wannabe” Prince setting up
shop next door in North Carolina with
Blackwater (now Xe Corp.).
10. Boiled peanuts. Really? George
Washington Carver comes up with 300
uses for the goober nut legume, and all
you can think to do is boil them and put
them on restaurant tables instead of bread
baskets? Who wants to eat a bowl of soggy
maggots?
My Jewish pal, Woody Allen, said it best:
“If I came back and saw everything going on
in my name [just in South Carolina], I’d
never stop throwing up.”
RALPH!
It’s the “in my name” part that really
bugs me. I can live with the Sudanese
slaughtering each other in Mohammed’s
name and Pfizer reps sucking Mammon’s
cock. (Don’t worry, they won’t get away
with it for long.) But when people—be they
Yugoslavs or South Carolinians—dare to
hurt others in the name of Jesus Christ (sorry
to refer to myself in the third person), I’m
liable to pull out the Judgment Day ledger
and let my itchy trigger finger start scrawling
names in the “DO NOT ADMIT THROUGH
THE PEARLY GATES” column.
So what would Jesus do? (It’s your
bumper sticker, not mine!)
I would care for the down and out. I
would feed the hungry. I would educate
the ignorant. I would give my last dollar to
my worst enemy. And most of all, I would
be honest about who I am. But if you don’t
want to follow suit, then get the fuck out of
my temples of worship and stop claiming
me as your Messiah and Savior. It’s that
simple.
All right, I’m going to be hanging around
town for a few weeks, maybe months,
depending on what the Old Man has planned
for me. Shoot me an email at jesus@
columbiacitypaper.com if you have any
questions. City Paper has offered to set up
an advice column for me while I crash the
couch and await orders from the Old Man.
The ultimate peace “that passes
understanding” out.
jesus@columbiacitypaper.com
September 17, 2009 7
 Ted Rall
How many more must die?
Karzai: The Impotent Dictator
“For five years Mr. Karzai
was my president,” Ashraf Ghani,
an opposition candidate, bemoaned
after widespread reports that
incumbent Hamid Karzai had used
fraud on a massive scale to steal the
election. “Now how many Afghans
will consider him their president?”
Not many. In a country where
civil war is the national pastime
and five-year-old boys learn how to
fire an AK-47, this is not good. But
Ghani is asking the wrong question. The real
question is, how many Americans will continue
to see Karzai as viable--and be willing to
continue to pay the price of propping him up?
California Senator Diane Feinstein used to
support Karzai. “Afghanistan is our beachhead
on our war on terror. We cannot lose it, or
we lose our war on terror,” she said in 2002.
What a difference seven years makes! “I do
not believe we can build a democratic state in
Afghanistan,” she finally admitted last week.
Americans are finally waking up.
Afghanistan, most people finally understand,
is not “the good war” but the stupid one. We
can’t win. Even worse, there’s nothing to win.
The historical parallels aren’t perfect--they
never are--but it’s hard not to think of the cost
of propping up the corrupt Diem regime and
its successors in South Vietnam when you see
Hamid Karzai prancing around in Kabul, never
an arm’s length away from U.S. Special Forces
commandos. You see, Karzai’s own troops
can’t be trusted not to kill him.
A July headline in The Christian Science
Monitor asked an intentionally hilarious
question: “Afghan Election: Can Karzai’s
Rivals Close the Gap?” Not with the way
Karzai stuffs ballot boxes!
There were at least 800 fake polling sites on
Afghanistan’s election day--places that “existed
only on paper,” reported The New York Times.
“We think that about 15 percent of the polling
sites never opened on Election Day,” the paper
quoted a “senior Western diplomat.” “But they
still managed to report thousands of ballots for
Karzai.”
Also, “Mr. Karzai’s supporters also took
over approximately 800 [additional] legitimate
polling centers and used them to fraudulently
report tens of thousands of additional ballots
for Mr. Karzai.”
Actually, make that hundreds of thousands.
In “Kandahar…preliminary results indicate that
more than 350,000 ballots have been turned in
to be counted. But Western officials estimated
that only about 25,000 people actually voted
there.”
Overall “pro-Karzai ballots,” reports the
Times, “may exceed the people who actually
voted by a factor of 10.”
The truth is, there’s nothing new here.
Ashraf Ghani may have been the only Afghan
to have ever considered Karzai legitimate.
To most Afghans, Karzai has always been a
curious “impotent dictator,” propped up by U.S.
military force but with insufficient funding to
exert his power outside the capital Kabul. In
the provinces, tribal warlords fight the Taliban
for control.
Looking at Karzai’s resume, it’s hard
to imagine what George W. Bush and his
“pet Afghan” Zalmay Khalilzad were thinking
when they appointed Karzai as the U.S. puppet
“interim president” of occupied Afghanistan in
8 September 3, 2009 late 2001. Granted, all three were oilmen--Karzai
and Khalilzad had both worked as
consultants for the energy corporation
Unocal, which tried to build an oil-
gas pipeline across Afghanistan in the
mid-1990s.
But Karzai lacked both integrity-
-as a Taliban official in 1997, Karzai
was caught embezzling government
funds and forced to flee the country-
-and support. He was a Pashtun, and
the new Northern Alliance government
was predominantly Tajik. Always
essential in a nation permanently at war, Karzai
had no military bona fides, having rarely seen a
shot fired in anger.
Karzai’s drive to consolidate power since
2001 has been marked by trickery, intimidation,
ballot stuffing and systemic corruption. One
“election” has followed another. But none have
been conducted legitimately.
Perhaps democracy was too much to hope
for in a nation whose infrastructure had been
degraded to the 14th century. There was no
census, no house addresses, no mail service.
How could a fair election be held?
Karzai didn’t even try.
At a June 2002 loya jurga (grand assembly)
to choose the new head of state, Karzai got his
U.S. masters to lean on his main rival, former
king, Mohammed Zahir Shah. Zahir Shah
withdrew, as did 70 of his delegates. They did
the same to ex-President Burhanuddin Rabbani,
guaranteeing Karzai a phony mandate.
“Voting for the loya jirga has been plagued
by violence and vote-buying,” said UN envoy
to Afghanistan Lakhdar Brahimi at the time.
“There were attempts at manipulation, violence,
unfortunately. Money was used, threats were
used.”
“This is not a democracy, it is a rubber
stamp. Everything has already been decided by
the powerful ones,” added the Women’s Affairs
minister.
On October 9, 2004, Karzai “won” his
first “democratic election.” As before, Karzai’s
goons stacked the deck. Unsympathetic
elections officials were kidnapped. The UN
concluded that “that fraud had occurred,
particularly ballot-box stuffing” in the 2004
election. The UN “noted that some estimates
have said that 10 percent to 15 percent of the
11.5 million registered voters, in Afghanistan
and among Afghan refugees abroad, may be
registered more than once,” reported The New
York Times at the time. The three-member
committee that counted the ballots were all
appointed by Karzai.
Those who can’t win, cheat. Without the
U.S., Karzai would never have won power in
Afghanistan. He certainly wouldn’t have kept
it.
Meanwhile, the New York Times reported
May 18, 2009 that Zalmay Khalilzad “could
assume a powerful, unelected position inside
the Afghan government under a plan he is
discussing with Hamid Karzai, the Afghan
president, according to senior American and
Afghan officials.”
Bush’s corrupt oilmen are still having
fun looting Afghanistan. The question for us
Americans is: why should anyone die to help
them?
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 Modern Voices, Ancient Fears
War against healthcare has deep resonance here
Leave it to South Carolinians The election of Lincoln was
to make fools of themselves “no mere political or ethical conflict,”
in the public forum. We did it wrote former S.C. Governor James
again last Wednesday night when Hammond in 1860, “but a social
South Carolina’s Second District conflict in which there is to be a war
Congressman Joe Wilson shouted of races, to be waged at midnight
“You lie!” at President Obama with the torch, the knife & poison.”
during his healthcare address before Southern hatred of northerners
Congress. was as vicious as it was irrational.
Anger, fear and violence are “Who are these Black Republicans?”
South Carolina’s traditional way of wrote a prominent S.C. woman to
confronting critical issues. In 1856, an acquaintance in Philadelphia.
Rep. Preston Brooks of Edgefield By Will Moredock “A motley throng of Sans culottes
District caned and nearly killed Sen. and Dames des Halles, Infidels and
Charles Sumner of Massachusetts freelovers, interspersed by Bloomer
on the Senate floor, following Sumner’s criticism women, fugitive slaves and” -- most shocking of
of this state’s policies and leaders. In 1964, Sen. all -- “amalgamationists.”
Strom Thurmond got into a “wrestling match” Channing wrote that “...many Carolinians
with Sen. Ralph Yarborough of Texas on the floor refused to admit that there was, or could be, any
outside a Senate committee room, trying to stop moral or idealistic quality in the anti-slavery pillar
Yarborough from entering the room to vote on a of the Republican Party....There was an almost
civil rights appointment. pathetic element in this refusal to admit, and
Today we see another momentous issue inability to see, the sincerity of the moral quality
dividing Americans and we see a certain group of of abolitionism.”
them acting in predictable ways. A century and a You can hear the same scorn from the critics
half after the debate over slavery, a half century of healthcare reform today. They have no concern
after the dispute over civil rights, Americans for the uninsured and the under-insured. To them,
are now divided over healthcare – and the fault reformers are only corrupt and power-hungry
lines are following some of the same cultural and politicians.
geographical lines as those of earlier conflicts. To make secession possible it was necessary
This is a good time to pick up Stephen for the slave-holding oligarchy to mobilize the
A. Channing’s classic study, Crisis of Fear white yeoman class. That was the role of the white
– Secession in South Carolina. Channing makes Protestant clergy and their rhetorical tool was
it clear that the force that tore the Union apart in cold, naked fear. In a “Letter to the Citizens of
1860 was fear – white southerners’ fear of slaves, South Carolina” in November 1860, the influential
fear of abolition, fear of a world in which white Baptist minister James Furman described what
people did not completely dominate the black would happen following emancipation: “Then
race. every negro in South Carolina and every other
The proximate cause of secession in 1860 was Southern State will be his own master; nay, more
the election of Abraham Lincoln as president. It than that, will be the equal of every one of you.
meant nothing to white southerners that Lincoln If you are tame enough to submit, Abolition
was not an abolitionist. He had opposed the preachers will be at hand to consummate the
expansion of slavery into the western territories, marriage of your daughters to black husbands.”
but as he made clear in his famous letter to Horace There is an echo of that ancient hysteria in
Greeley, “If I could save the Union without freeing the modern talk of “death panels” and federally
any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by funded abortions.
freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could “The Republican Party was the incarnation
save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I of all the strange and frightening social and
would also do that.” philosophical doctrines that were flourishing in
Lincoln was a pragmatic man who sought a free Northern society...” Channing wrote. Today
worthy and attainable goal, but was met with fear, that role is taken by the Democratic Party; its
anger and hysteria. Lincoln was a Republican and diabolic scheme against the South is healthcare
that’s all white southerners – especially South reform; and the leader of that party and that
Carolinians – needed to know. scheme is none other than Barack Obama – a
Wrote Channing: “Apprehension of black man!
abolition darkly colored the attitude of South For white South Carolinians, this is just
Carolinians toward northern society, and explained the latest battle in an endless war.
the frantic response of the state to the rise of the
Republican Party. Secession cannot be understood talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
apart from this intense foreboding.”

September 17, 2009 9

 THE EMCEE INTERVIEW
1) For those who may be unfamiliar
with you & your work, who are you and how
would you describe your style? ---be sure to
include the hometown!!!
I am Sheem One The M.C. from the Bronx
N.Y. I now make my home in Columbia, S.C. I
wouldn’t say that I have a certain style… its more
like a gift. Because it comes so natural to me, I
really enjoy performing. My lyrics are profanity
free and focus on the positive aspects of life.
Basically it’s that feel good music that everyone in
the family can relate to, old and young alike.
 2) Southern Hip Hop has truly emphasized
the concept of staying independent and being
your own boss.  In your opinion, why is this
important or even necessary?
The South truly has a culture all its own. It has
defiantly made a tremendous mark on the industry-
proving that you can be successful without the
initial backing of a major label. And since so many
southern artists made their head way, the record
companies had to pay attention or miss out on the
profit. That was a great power move by the South.
The people spoke and the world listened. It shows
you that being determined means you have to take
charge of your own life through the choices you
make and hard work you put in.
3) Describe your history as a MC?  What
pushed you to become a MC? Describe some
things that all aspiring MC’s need to know
before they touch a microphone.
I have had the pleasure to learn first hand by
watching other artists perform. In order to make it
in the Hip Hop industry, it requires a tremendous
amount of work. I got out of college and had no
idea of what my future would become. Music
made me feel like I knew what I was doing; it
helped me to focus on my potential in life. It made
me feel confident. I represent the average guy from
the streets. I feel I was picked by my neighborhood
to go out and report what went on and what still
10 September 3, 2009
goes on. The streets are more than drugs, gangs,
violence, some of the most innovative individuals
come from the street. We can form something out
of nothing- that’s what we do best.
4)  Hip Hop has birthed some of the greatest
musicians and writers that this world could
possibly offer, if there is one DJ or MC that
could be considered a direct link to your style of
flava, who would it be and why?
The list is too long to write down… I see
myself as a sum of many hip hop parts. I am Wu
Tang Clan, Bad Boy, Rocafella , D.J. Kid Capri,
Funkmaster Flex, Ed Lover, Naughty By Nature,
Nas, KRS 1, just to name a few...
 5) Since the passing of both Biggie and Pac,
the South has had an extreme stronghold on the
direction of Hip Hop and popular culture of
the day.  Understanding this, South Carolina
has been, as some say ‘overlooked’. Could it
be lack of industry knowledge, money, or even
organization, your thoughts?
South Carolina is a world in within itself. This
is a place where people don’t travel as much, so
naturally most music that is made is homegrown.
South Carolina has some great artists but we have
to connect the dots and become more unified.
6) What are some of the projects you have
on the agenda for 2009 and beyond?
I have been pushing my 1st album Days of
the Weak for over a year now and I am currently
working on a Project number 2 called Finding
Piece. If everything pans out will be out by the
end the year Only God truly knows. My next event
features Another Dimension in the South Carolina
Music Crawl September 12 at rust in the vista @
9:30.
7)  The MC owes its success to the DJ, who
is the foundation of Hip Hop.  Explain the
significance of having relationships with local
& regional DJ’s. Do they support your sound?
I know a number of local DJs and I must say
that they are good stewards of the music. I feel
like most DJs only step out for people that have a
good business and strong work ethic.
8) Any last thoughts? --- be sure to include
all of your contact info (#, myspace, email for
mp3’s, etc.)
Go to Sheemone.com to find out more
information about me. For shows and Bookings
contact me at Sheem_onedamc@yahoo.com.
9) Before we wrap up, the number of classic
Hip Hop albums is too many to list here, but
if there is one album you would consider your
favorite, what would it be and why? I would
have to say my own album: Days of the Weak.
You check it out on the website. I was able to tell
a piece of my life story and give back and help
others maybe push a little harder or believe they
can make it. I feel the greatest success story anyone
should tell should be their own. But second- hands
down I would have to say Life After Death by the
Notorious B.I.G. It has every style of Hip Hop
and there is not one bad track… awe man B.I.G. is
the greatest to me. 
----- DJ KINGPIN-Villain Of Vinyl kingpin@
nonstophiphoplive.com
THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 17 SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 19 TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 22 FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 25 New Brookland Tavern
American Cancer Society
Cafe Strudel Art Bar New Brookland Tavern Cafe Strudel Benefit show w/:
John English Tribute Bands Sleepy Eye Giant Rupert Wates Your Chance To Die, Human,
The Who (Alien Carnival and The Jacks Lions For Lambs, Maneater, A
New Brookland Tavern The Dirty Lowdown), The Doors TBA Kroger Center Better Hell, Aralic, Chilvalry,
All Walks Of Life (Marty Fort, Ashleigh Morse, Bill Pinkney’s Original Drifters Everyman’s Enemy, From
REMshot Zach Bingham, Evan Simmons), WEDNESDAY SEPT 23 Tomorrow, SickSickSick
The Grateful Dead (House of Jillian’s
(REM Cover Band)
Aliens), Ten Years After (DNR) Collective Soul
Bradley Sanders Headliners After Midnight Project Wet Willies
Perpetual Groove Elmwood
Utopia Cafe Strudel
DNR Wet Willies
Rapture Damone New Brookland Tavern Elmwood Utopia
Acoustic Night Girls w Guitars Festival
Mac’s on Main
Mac’s on Main 4:00-5:00 – Sara & The
Mac’s Allstars
The White Mule Utopia Natural Desire Feministas
Charles Wilkie Duo New Brookland Tavern The Blue Iguanas 5:30-6:30 –Dirty Martinis
7pm Showbread New Brookland Tavern 7:00-8:00 – Wavy Space
Testing Ground THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 24 FourZeroAlpha 8:30-9:30 – Deb Varn Group
FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 18 Bloodline 10:00-11:00 – Someone’s Sister
Goodnight Caulfield Undefined
Aviary Fire Cafe Strudel
Cafe Strudel Jeremy Aggers Ghost In The Machine The White Mule
The Gallery
Jules Verne Hickry Hawkins & Zack Zeibert
Headliners Utopia
Utopia Pinna
Mac’s on Main Klusterfunk Adakain Wild Wing Cafe Vista
Natural Desire Stemm The White Mule U-Phonik
The White Mule His Name Was Yesterday Josh Roberts
Newberry Opera House David Mead
Steve Tyrell New Brookland Tavern SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 27
SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 20 Emmure SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 26
New Brookland Tavern Evergreen Terrace New Brookland Tavern
5:30p My Losing Season New Brookland Tavern Stick To Your Guns Art Bar Colour Revolt
Phone Calls From Home Vadim Von Oceano Thee Mad Frogs, Fossill Record, All Get Out
The Venetia Fair Merzah For Today Norwegian Blue Ghosts Of The Great Highway
Behold The Messenger Sein Zum Tode Twin Tigers
9:30 Dance Party Hosted Divulgence Utopia Cafe Strudel
by John Anthony Concrete Jumpsuit Rosannamae The White Mule
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 21 Sara Haze
Utopia The White Mule Finley Park
Sounds of Suburbia The White Mule Brian Vander Arc of The Verve The Almost The Whig
The Benji Davis Project Anarbor
Pipe w Jess Kline Richard Buckner
The Dares
This Providence

City Paper Pick: Headliners

Friday September 18
Sequoyah Prep School
The Four Kicks
Calculator
My name is John Michael

I think that I have previously
picked Sequoyah Prep School when
they played NBT a while back. Yea
that is a bit weak sauce, but my
last pick was a metal show and I
am trying to keep it eclectic here.
Listen you have a problem with my
picks take it up with management.
(If you see someone passed out on
the floor of a bar in town you have
likely found them) Sequoyah Prep
School is catchy southern rock band
hailing from Flo Town (why anyone
would want to claim that is beyond
me) and I mean southern rock in the
poppy sense of say a Dillon Fence
as opposed to a bluesier sense like
CCR (yea I know they are from San
Fran but time is short and it made my
point) They are joined by The Kicks
(formerly The Four Kicks) and not
to be confused with The Kicks who
hail from Arkansas. Their sound
is more pop rock with a sprinkling
of southern rock. They also have
the goofiest set of band photos I
have ever seen. I hope to god they
weren’t being serious when they took
them. Also on the bill are Calculator
and MyNameIsJohnMichael. My
recommendation is show up early to
see MyNameIsJohnMichael. This
New Orleans based band have an
catchy, infectious sound and with 6
people on stage doing all manner of
things (horns, keys, extra percussion)
it give them a depth and breadth in what
they can do. I should note that if their
name was MyNameIsGeorgeMichael
in homage to Arrested Development
(and perhaps also that guy from
Wham!) I would have even more
glowing things to say, but it isn’t, so
I don’t.
- Norbet Sykes
12 August 6, 2009 The Little Mermaid, Photo by Lyon Hill
SavageLove
As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently
had my first spanking experience and am feeling
extreme self-loathing. I was in a long-term
vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and
never got to experience anything kinky, but I’ve
had an interest in it.
Long story short, I answered an online ad,
went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me.
I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no
sex other than me jerking myself while getting
hit. Now I feel awful. It’s not the spanking itself,
but rather the anonymous nature of what I did.
This type of hookup is not my thing, as I am
used to sex in the context of a loving, committed
relationship. I feel like I’ve let myself down,
like I dropped my standards, and I fear sliding
down a slippery slope into a life of anonymous,
kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one
of “those guys.”
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like
puking. I can’t talk to any of my friends about
this—I’m too embarrassed. Please put my mind
at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a
hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted
infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this
guilt? I swear I’m not exaggerating here, and I
really do need someone to talk to about this.
Shouldn’t Want Anonymous Thrashings
There’s no way you contracted a sexually
transmitted infection during that spanking
session, SWAT, so calm the fuck down, okay?
Now...
You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual
adventure, you took a very short walk on the
mild side of the wild side. And you learned
something important about yourself in the
process: Just having your kink indulged isn’t
enough. You need your kink indulged in the
context of a loving, committed relationship. You
want to be spanked by someone you love and
who loves you. That’s just how you’re wired.
And luckily for you, there are lots of good,
decent, quality guys out there who are into
spanking and interested in loving, committed
relationships.
Don’t believe me?
You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You
“You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed
relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you.”
are living proof that a guy can be relationship
material and also be into spanking. Put yourself
out there, put your kink out there, and you’ll
meet other guys just like you.
I want a human pet. The human pet must
become a dog. My pet will wear a butt-plug tail,
a collar, and paw mitts. My pet will not speak
anything other than its assigned safe word.
Its communications will be limited to barking,
licking, wagging its tail. The whole point is that,
when done, there is a dog shaped like a human,
but the shape is the only thing that isn’t dog
about my pet. The pet becomes so completely a
14 September 3, 2009
Sex advice column
by Dan Savage
dog that I wonder if it is bestiality to have sex
with my dog/human pet.
Future Dog Lover
“Can vegans swallow?” used to be both the
most annoying and frequently asked question in
the sex-advice business. Now it’s just the most
frequently asked.
Some people consider their pets to be
“members of the family,” but there’s nothing
incestuous about fucking your dog. There’s
something sick and wrong about it, of course,
but it’s not incest. Similarly, a human pretending
to be a dog is still a human, FDL, so having sex
with your dog/human pet isn’t bestiality and
never will be. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for
you.
I’m a 19-year-old bisexual female, and
my current girlfriend and I have been together
about three months. She is pressuring me to
come out to my family. I still live at home with
my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a
good enough financial position to move out. If
I were to come out to them, I wouldn’t want to
be depending on them for a dwelling, school
payments, auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend
and I get along great, we are having a lot of
fun together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her.
But she says that she can’t be with me if I am
ashamed of our relationship. I just don’t know
what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding
our relationship? Or is she the total cunt?
Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy
She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally.
The reasons you’ve given her for not
coming out to your family right this minute—
fear of being retaliated against financially, fear
of losing your home, fear of derailing your
education—are not only legit, CLITS, they’re
the only legit reasons to postpone coming out
to your family. Unless your girlfriend can feed
you, clothe you, house you, and cover your
tuition, she shouldn’t be pressuring you to
risk your future for the sake of a three-month
relationship.
Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last
thing a young lady with a pair of controlling
assholes for parents needs is a controlling
asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.
Does asexuality actually exist? My
partner’s younger brother claims to be asexual,
but I think he’s just a maladjusted little shit and
that he’s intimidated by the thought of sex. Your
thoughts?
The Sister-In-Law
Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it
has its own website—www.asexuality.org—
where you can read this:
“Asexual people have the same emotional
needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the
sexual community we vary widely in how we
fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are
happier on their own, others are happiest with
a group of close friends. Other asexual people
have a desire to form more intimate romantic
relationships, and will date and seek long-term
partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely
to date sexual people as we are to date each
other.”
I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia
for suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual
people” are obligated to disclose their asexuality,
preferably on the first date and certainly no
later than the third date. Asexuals may have the
same emotional needs as anyone else, but most
of us sexuals—heterosexuals, homosexuals,
bisexuals—expect to have our emotional and
sexual needs met in our “intimate romantic
relationships,” thanks, and we’re going to want
to know if that’s not in the cards before we get
involved, not after. Someone who is incapable
of meeting a sexual’s needs has no business
dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me.
At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed.
And I’m still trying to wrap my head around
this:
“Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or
to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships
can be challenging...”
Um... since monogamy is understood
to mean sexual exclusivity—you don’t fuck =>.<-*B<
Slice Night
$1.25
=1>;<-*B<
other people—I’m not sure how you define 2 for 1
monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your
asexual partner promise not to not fuck other Medium 2 toppings
people?
As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t
(Dine in Only!)
see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to
do with you. If you’re prying into your BIL’s sex
life, TSIL, I’d say he’s not the only maladjusted
little shit in the family.
341 S. Woodrow St.
mail@savagelove.net (Corner of Woodrow and Rosewood)
803.252.6931
ROCK N’ ROLL ¡Ask a Mexican!
CROSSWORDS SPECIAL EL EDITION
“In the heat of the puzzle”
Across
1. Fear Factory ‘__ Of Skin’
6. Warren Haynes band ‘Gov’t
__’
10. Hendrix’ locks
14. Groupie tat- ___ stamp
15. ‘Only Time Will Tell’
band
16. Whitesnake ‘__ Of The
Tongue’
17. Viovod ‘The ___ Limits’
18. Sometime festival need
19. ‘__ Guitar, Will Travel’
Jimmy Page
20. ‘Pulled Under At 2000 __
A Second’ Anathema
22. __ And Destroy
24. They were hard at ‘Work’
in the 80s
25. Foot pedal- Noise __
27. Tour necessity
29. ‘Last Splash’ alt band
33. Kiss classic
34. What serious musicians
hit
35. Character in ‘Rock The
Casbah’ video
37. Hard up Collective Soul
song off Dosage?
41. Type of guitar pupil
42. Bob Seger made them at
night
44. Aging rockers hair
product
45. Where former pros
worked
48. “Bag it, tag it, sell it to the
butcher in the store”
49. Battle Elvis lost?
50. Dio’s first band
52. Ace’s ‘Rock ____’
54. Clefs, signatures, notes
58. Famous English Disc
Jockey John
59. AC/DC ‘Touch __ Much’
60. Howlin’ __
62. Dangerous Toys rocker
66. Kravitz ‘Let Love __’
68. Blue October ‘Clumsy __
House’
70. Where Lacuna Coil’s from
71. Yngwie’s ‘Hanger 18, __
51’
72. Surgery Joe Perry had in
‘08
73. Iceland guitarist
Guðlaugur Óttarsson ‘__
Time’
74. Crash __ Dummies
75. Green Day ‘Brain __’
76. Rory Gallagher ‘__ In
Blue’
Down
1. What splits at heaviest
show of your life?
2. ‘Red, White, and ___’
3. Warren DeMartini’s band
4. Bowie re-____ as Ziggy
Stardust
5. Centerfold in Guitar World
6. Singer/Songwriter Kearney
7. What a junkie rocker does
8. What fans did up and down
for sold out show
9. Faith No More ‘Zombie
____’
10. Guitar store chain Sam 11.
Cheap Trick power ballad
‘The ___’
12. What The Boss went
down to
13. Soundgarden ‘Switch ___’
21. Tim Reynolds album
23. Greg __
26. Taking Back Sunday ‘__
Operator’
28. Repetitive word in
Archers Of Loaf album title
29. ___ Delp
30. Thin White __
31. Zappa ‘Redneck __’
32. Jersey boys ‘__ The Day’
36. 40s Jazz spinoff
38. Cult hit off Sonic Temple
39. ‘___ Maker’ Zep
40. What band plays at long
shows
43. What record contracts
hinge on
46. Bluesman Mo’
47. Clapton’s hand, (it’s just a
nickname)
49. Floyd or Dead fans’ eyes
51. What ‘Seagulls’ come in?
53. What fans do in a Readers
Poll
54. Rock and Roll’s guitar
55. GnR ‘___ Crazy’
56. What Lemmy wished his
warts were
57. Galactic Cowboys ‘Media
___’
61. ‘All Right Now’ rockers
63. What Jim Croce did to the
‘Operator’
64. Metallica ‘Nothing __
Matters’
65. Tie-__
67. Duane Allman’s farewell
‘__ A Peach’
69. ‘Morning __’ The Dead
Dear Mexican:Why do
Mexicans make the sign of
mucho dinero with a gap
Dear Mick: If widespread
acceptance for Mexicans were
between their thumb and that easy, que no piensas we
index fingers, as if holding would’ve done this already?
an imaginary wad of bills Then Stepin Fetchit and Carlos
between both fingers? Mencia would be civil-rights
icons on the level of Martin
El Zorro Chupagringos Luther King Jr. and César
Chávez.
Dear Gabacho-Sucking
Fox: Because if a pendejo
Dear Mexican: Your
like you can get the gesture, voice needs to urge your
imagine us normal folks. fellow Mexicans to make
street marches for amnesty a
Dear Mexican: This MONTHLY occurrence. Those
Irishman living in Denver has marches showed America,
asked many Mexicans why By GUSTAVO ARELLANO
more than any other method,
Estados Unidos is abbreviated in Spanish as the very real power and solidarity of the
EEUU instead of E.U. No one seems to know. I oppressed in this country. Your brothers and
even e-mailed the question to a couple of friends sisters turned out in thousands to block traffic
in Costa Rica. The doubled-up abbreviation and quietly and resolutely marched. Remind
gives me that queasy double-vision sensation I everyone that those in silence who showed up
get from mixing too many pints of black Irish
to walk were a force—something to be reckoned
stout with fine gold tequila.
with—and shouldn’t stop. The last time they did,
these marches were THE topic of conversation
El Irlandés
on every pundit’s lips on the evening news. It
Dear Mick: Why are you bothering Costa takes quiet persistence to show Amerikkka real
Ricans with intellectual queries? All ticos are power nonviolently, something we are not used
good for is creating a stable state in the middle of to, and that garners respect from even those
banana republics. The answer is simultaneously who should be ashamed. Use your voice to
simple and stupid: grammar. Spanish grammar shout out the call to arms for frequent shows
rules dictate that acronyms for plurals get a of solidarity EVERY MONTH. Be a gadfly. You
double dose of letters, something that makes are in a good place to be heard.
as much sense as a Guatemalan becoming
president of the United States. El Izquierdista
Dear Mexican: After reading your column Dear Readers: You heard the lefty gabacho.
On this coming Mexican Independence Day,
and listening to Lou Dobbs, I think I know the
problem. See, many of us Americans grew up instead of marching to your local taco company
reading the comic strip Gordo, viewing Speedy for margaritas and sombreros, march for
Gonzalez outwit that cat and learning to love amnesty for illegals. Or undocumented college
corn chips—which advanced to tortilla chips students. Or to the bookstore to buy my libros.
and Taco Bell—from the Frito Bandito. Older Or protest against the television networks’
folks saw those funny-but-loyal Mexicans ignoring Mexican-themed shows in favor of
whom John Wayne defended in cantinas from the umpteenth The Office rip-off. Point is, get
those who knew not the power of the tequila. In on Obama’s case and tell him to forget golfing
my case, there were those funny people serving at Martha’s Vineyard and start fighting the
meals at Casa Bonita in Denver. See, we miss Know Nothings.
those sombrero- and sandal-wearing types.
Now, all we see are lowriders and gangbangers. Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net
Is this not a PR nightmare? Maybe since retro
is in, you all should go back to the drawing
board.
El Mick
September 17, 2009 15
16 September 17, 2009
 Arts
Sculptural Wonderland
By Judit Trunkos
Art + Cayce’s newest exhibition features
ceramic and mixed media sculptures and
assemblages.
When one enters the gallery, Andrew
Norton Weber’s sculptures immediately demand
attention. The subject matter of the mixed media
assemblages can be hard to discern. Yet, the
abstracts include some of the most intriguing
objects one could conceive to use for a
sculpture. Wall assemblages feature anything
from plastic toys, flowers and fruits to random
objects made of melted wire. The final result is
less a sculpture and more a visual journey.
Robin Jones grew up in Columbia and went
to USC before moving to Boston to study art
history at Harvard.  Finally the artist moved back
to Columbia in 2002 and has been working and
exhibiting here since. The Harvard-educated
sculptor works with a variety of media including
stone, ceramics and bronze.
Jones’ black and white ceramics create his
own wonderland with fantastic chess pieces
and futuristic igloos.  Jones is
fascinated by geometric shapes and the possibility
to utilize not only the medium and also the space
around it.
“Most of the ceramics in this show were
conceived as models for much larger structures
which one could walk through,” Jones said.
Viewing his chessboard ceramic, one can only
imagine walking among the huge chess pieces on
a shiny chessboard like walking around marble
columns.  Jones therefore not only engages
the viewers mentally and aesthetically but also
physically. Some of the artist’s latest projects are
designed in a way that allows viewers to move
the pieces and rearrange them, making it an
interactive artwork.
While Jones creates futuristic fantasies,
he remains loyal to his signature dynamics:
the contrasts between straight lines and curves
inspired by nature.
“Artistic creation is very much part of nature:
for what are we if not nature?” he said.
ART + Cayce provides art lovers in the
Columbia area with a serious of outstanding
exhibitions. This exhibit can be viewed until
October 8 at Cayce Art Gallery on State Street.
The next show will feature Suzy
Scarborough’s paintings
starting October 8.
SuDoKu
 colatheater.com
Children’s Theatre New Space
Goes to the Dogs
by Garrett Kellerhals
Harken back to a time when workloads
weren’t so demanding. Long before an afternoon
break for coffee or cigarettes satisfied our cravings
(not to mention happy hour!), we were all once
kindergarteners in need of graham cracker and
milk snacks. While supervisors now torture us
with meeting minutes and memoranda, there
was once a teacher or parent who introduced us
to books and showed us that reading could be
both educational and entertaining.
The Columbia Children’s Theatre is set to
bring to life the pages of one of those popular
stories, “Go, Dog. Go!” In 1961, P.D. Eastman
created a cast of canine characters decorated
in an array of colors and placed in some very
strange, yet entertaining situations—all with
a modicum of 74 words! For the next several
weekends, theatergoers young and young at
heart can catch the word-for-word adaptation
of this charming children’s book as performed
by Gina Calvert, Jack Drummond, Joy Felder,
Toni Moore, Chris Riddle, Lee O. Smith and
Roz Stanley, and newcomer Robin Saviolla.
These dedicated performers have the delightful
task, and challenge, of providing patrons with a
glimpse of puppy personality as each page of the
book is turned on stage.
To see the effect “Go, Dog. Go!” has on
18 september 17, 2009
nascent readers, I turned to a recent kindergarten
graduate—my niece, Amanda. She turned each
page with great anticipation and giggled her way
through this tale of raucous and rambunctious
hounds. I was surprised to find several narrative
nuances ensconced in the illustrations, which will
certainly tickle audiences as they are portrayed
on stage. And my niece had no problems picking
up the multiple plots and subplots and especially
Eastman’s canine creativity, which is nothing
less than a celebration of reading itself.
With “Go, Dog. Go!”, the Columbia
Children’s Theatre sets to do precisely what
authors like Dr. Seuss and P.D Eastman did with
their classic Beginner Books: show readers
the informative, fun simplicity of storytelling.
Columbia Children’s Theatre artistic director,
Jerry Stevenson, has transformed the author’s
original story and artwork into an engaging
presentation for child and adult alike—or uncle
and niece, in my case.
Go, Dog. Go! runs September 18-27 at the
Columbia Children’s Theatre’s new performance
space above the food court in Midtown at Forest
Acres (formerly Richland Fashion Mall), which is
located at 3400 Forest Drive in Columbia. Show
times are Friday at 7 p.m., Saturday at 10:30
a.m. and 2 p.m. and Sunday at 3 p.m. Tickets are
$6 and are available at www.etix.com or at the
door. To learn more about Columbia Children’s
Theatre, visit www.columbiachildrenstheater.
com or call 691.4548.
803-218-9455
 (L to R) Matthew DeGuire, Mandy Nix, and Kevin Bush from Workshop Theatre’s Hit Production of The Producers
Erectile dysfunction ads commonly warn
prospective patrons that one should consult
a doctor if the popping of that little purple pill
results in an erection lasting more than four hours.
Odds are, Workshop Theatre’s current comedic
masterpiece, “The Producers,” won’t send
patrons to the urologist with a case of priapism.
But it is likely to leave them laughing so hard by
intermission that they’ll be forced to watch the
second act with their hands pressed onto their
bruised midsections in an effort to prevent further
belly laughing.
Palmetto Health be warned: Expect more than
one case of Involuntary Emotional Expression
Disorder in the coming weeks! Send all medical
bills to Jewish comic genius Mel Brooks and
director/choreographer extraordinaire Cindy
Flach (“Fiddler on the Roof,” Workshop Theatre;
“The Will Roger Follies,” Workshop Theatre).
Perhaps it isn’t standard behavior for a
reviewer to guffaw and clap spasmodically. So
be it. But as my critical faculties are severely
stretched in an effort to find any flaws with this
production, I might as well lambast the schmuck
who sat in front of me and reacted with great
offense every time I cheered as if I had just
witnessed a World Series grand slam.
If you aren’t aware of the storyline of “The
Producers,” you’ve probably just emerged from
several decades of baking raisin bread in a Trappist
monastery. The 1968 movie version (with limited
musical numbers) starred Zero Mostel and Gene
Wilder as Max Bialystock and Leopold Bloom,
respectively, in one of the zaniest and most
outrageously clever films ever conceived.
Bialystock is a washed-up Broadway walrus
with a comb-over coiffure, who schtupps wealthy
septuagenarians in order to finance his schlocky
shows. Max’s hired public accountant and introvert
galore, Leo, invents a scheme to make a theatrical
killing by producing the worst story ever penned
and absconding with the surfeit of preproduction
revenue. Enter a Nazi devotee with a penchant
for playwriting, a sultry Swedish receptionist, and
a gay director and personal assistant who seem
to have been conceived following a Noel Coward
LSD cocktail, and you have the makings of the
most politically-incorrect, non-musical musical
comedy in history.
In 2001, “The Producers” was adapted into
a Tony Award-winning franchise starring Nathan
Lane as the ne’er-do-good producer, Max, and
Matthew Broderick as the security blanket-toting,
numbers-totaler, Leo. (Other well-regarded
actors who have tackled these roles include Jason
Alexander, Tony Danza, and even “Seinfeld”
creator Larry David in a tongue-in-cheek, Brooks-
sponsored spoof on the HBO show “Curb Your
Enthusiasm.”)
The success of “The Producers” began a
Broadway trend to musically convert great
comedies from the 1960s and 1970s, including
“Spamalot” (from “Monty Python and The
Holy Grail”), “The New Mel Brooks’ Musical
Young Frankenstein” (from Brooks’ “Young
Frankenstein”), and “Sesame Street” rip-off
“Avenue Q.” Unlike Hollywood’s irrepressible
urge with middling results to create movies from
television shows, Broadway’s bet on the silver
screen has paid off in spades. And Workshop’s
production of “The Producers” likely begins a
welcome trend of such musicals gradually making
their way to Columbia stages.
There is something critically—if not
diabolically—enticing about a production of a
vaudevillian Nazi tossed musical salad debuting
in Columbia, South Carolina, on September 11,
of all dates. Right now, it’s next to impossible
to conceive of someone writing—let along daring
to perform—an uproarious musical about the
September 11 terrorists: Imagine a triptych stage
with the passengers and crew of the planes headed
separately for the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and
a Pennsylvania field. Actors perform songs like
“Razor Blade Revolution Reprise” and “Been
Maudlin for bin Laden.” Yet that’s the effective
essence of Brooks’ story.
The ultimate punishment of the Third Reich is
not just Nuremberg and 2,000 years of classroom
textbooks that paint the Axis powers as dummkopf
devils. It’s the ass-stomping the architects of
the Holocaust receive several decades ex post
facto when a daring comedian decides it’s high-
time to comically mock tragedy. Absolutely,
Hitler should be portrayed as a cross-dressing,
wallpaper-pasting prima donna. Without a doubt,
the Third Reich is best symbolized by pretzels,
kielbasa and a chorus of pooping pigeon puppets.
And, emphatically, the Nazi movement of today
is best made manifest by a Luger-toting, operatic
retard in lederhosen who breaks his leg every
time he goosesteps down a staircase. (Take that,
Laurens!)
Workshop’s production of “The Producers”
enters the elite company of truly sidesplitting
Columbia comedies of recent years, which
includes Trustus Theatre’s recent “Dog Sees God”
and USC Lab Theatre’s “Lonesome West” from
several years back. There’s nary a criticism that
one can make, other than a few pregnant pauses
(which stretch the show into three-hour territory)
and a few misplaced beats which one can chalk up
to first-night jitters.
Simply put, director Flach and the 20-plus
member cast and crew ought to take this show
on the road. “The Producers” is professional
theater at a community theater price! And after
all the political poop South Carolinians have been
forced to stomach the past few months, Columbia
residents truly deserve some full-throated
theatrical tittering.
Cast Member Highlights: Before lead cast
members receive their well-deserved accolades,
let me toss a lexical rose out to Lou Warth
(“Sweeney Todd,” Workshop Theatre), who steals
several scenes as an ensemble member in pursuit
of comedy with physical abandon. Columbia now
has a true Bob & Bing comedy duo with Matthew
DeGuire (“Man of La Mancha,” SC Shakespeare
Company) and Kevin Bush (“Batboy,” Trustus
Theatre) in the lead roles of Bialystock & Bloom.
(One only hopes these two actors will find another
vehicle in which to develop the tincture of thespian
chemistry!) DeGuire is exquisite as the sad sack
producer, throwing himself blindly into the arms
of comb-over comedy and displaying musical
pulmonary iron—especially with the show redux
song “Betrayed.” Bush is nothing less than
triumphant as Bloom. Those who have followed
Bush’s blooming performances (pun intended) the
past few years probably wonder, as do I, why he
isn’t plying his trade professionally in Manhattan
or the Windy City. Bush maintains an introverted
Muppet voice even in song, and whether acting or
dancing, he is St. Genesius’ physical marionette.
Other impressive performances include Kyle
L. Collins’ (Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof,”
Workshop Theatre) brilliant acting workshop as
Nazi noodle-head, Franz Liebkind. Not to be
outdone is another phenomenal dramatic duo:
Steven Hillard (“Ragtime,” Workshop Theatre)
and Steven Thompson (“When Pigs Fly,”
Trustus Theatre) as Roger DeBris and Carmen
Ghia, respectively. Never has Adolf Hitler been
played with such nipple-loving consideration,
nor have sibilants received such splendid lip
sssssserviccccccce. Also strong is Mandy Nix as
Scandinavian beauty, Ulla, whose sultry curves
make up for her stolid English. (It’s a good thing
this show never opens at 11 o’clock!) But if it’s
sickly sexy you’re looking for, this production
also offers a chorus of old hag Rockettes who
go “Fosse-Fosse-Fosse!” with walkers in purple-
flowered dresses reminiscent of the outfit worn
by every elderly kindergarten teacher who ever
lived. Other noteworthy ensemble performances
include Vince Pace in multiple roles, including a
gruff Certified Public Asshole and a bizarre Nazi
bicyclist; Stephen Davis as an opening number
wino; and Will Moreau, who would probably still
be dancing the conga in feathered headdress had
not the opening night curtain finally closed.
Technical Highlights: This production
is a cornucopia of technical achievements, but
perhaps none greater than the six rooftop dancing
pigeon (with nods to the pheasant and pterodactyl)
puppets created by set designer Randy Strange.
(I can’t tell what’s more impressive, devising
how to hide swastikas in pinions, or the prostate
exam-like mechanics required to make these
birds dance.) Director/choreographer Flach
is to be applauded for pulling off amazing toe-
tapping numbers (especially the songs “I Wanna
Be a Producer” and “Along Came Bialy”) and
for getting every ounce of imaginative effort
from her cast. The Randy Moore Orchestra is
at it again with a flawless evening of music from
the pit. If Moore (“Cabaret,” Trustus Theatre;
“Jesus Christ Superstar,” Workshop Theatre) isn’t
one of the best pianists in the Palmetto State, I’ll
eat newsprint. And with costumer Ruth Mock
(“When Pigs Fly,” Trustus Theatre), Workshop
pulls out all the stops: Fabulous textile attention
is paid to every character, from Hitler’s swastika
silk necktie to Max’s Don Fanucci cappello and
cape combo. The theater foyer and courtyard
were festooned in homage to the best Broadway
has to offer, and, what the hell, I enjoyed the
choice of the powder blue theater curtain. To say
the least, I am a critic eminently pleased.
The Producers runs September 11-26 at
Workshop Theatre. The curtain rises at 8 p.m. for
all shows except for the 2 p.m. Sunday matinee on
September 20. Tickets range from $14-$20. Call
799.6551 for reservations. To learn more about
Workshop Theatre, visit workshoptheater.com
Members of the American Nazi Party be advised:
This show is not a tribute to your Fuhrer!
September 17, 2009 19
Photo courtesy of Historic
Columbia Foundation