WHAT WAS, IS.

Growing up believing in things that cannot be explained, could dream dreams and see visions from the age of ten. Saw iniquity before I believed there was wickedness in the world. I grew up believing in true love, sarcastic you may call me, but I did. Something in me drove me to believe that loves really exist. Always kept a keen eye to see if I could find that love. I wondered what that love really was. y heart was filled with excitement, pounding with the anticipation of experiencing love. !hen at the age of sixteen I heard about a kiss, those in love en"oyed the embracement from their esteemed ones through kisses. #ow my anticipation was horrendous, looking for love in the eyes of the one who will call me sweet names, hold me in her arms, walk hand in hand through the night off a full moon and the glistering stars of heaven. I longed for that day, how I wished and prayed, mostly I prayed for her. $er, her name is a mystery, even her face, her smile, her touch and smell. %ut I knew she would be beautiful as heaven would be. I longed to hear her voice in the morning, in a telephone, her voice calling me in a distance. I saw them walking side by side, &my grandmother and grandfather'. She still looked beautiful in his eyes, like the day he met her, I wondered about her, my face glittered when I thought off her. It was ())*, completing my BGCSE and there she was. +ith her friends, laughing and smiling. I have been looking at her from a distance for two weeks, I knew her favorite spot in the school with her friends, and every time I felt discouraged I would go and stay in a distance and looked at her, my heart will be filled with "oy and I will go back to my friends with ,eal and tenacity. -ou see in senior school you had to date someone to prove yourself that you are a man. At that point in time I dated one other girl I would call her Rose. Rose was beautiful and fun to be around, her smile could light up the room. %ut she was not her. I didn.t even know her name/ I didn.t even tell my friends about her, where I would even begin. She was already causing turmoil in my life before I even talked to her. I will sound like a man mad when I try to even confide into my friends about the girl that I don.t even know her name. &$ow do I get her name0' I started writing, poems, short stories and fiction stories. I had a friend, my best friend from "unior school/ we started writing poems for fun because I was doing literature I had much knowledge about the construction of writing poems and stories. I remember a time when I wrote a poem entitled &If you knew'

If -12 3#4+ I stand afar, looking at you +ishing for the courage !he courage to walk towards you aybe find the right words to tell you I could find many words to tell you !ell you how I feel %ut words seem so mere to even comprehend !o put into words how I feel $ow I long to call you mine !o hold thy hand !o shower you with love 5or the rest of your life, I look at you smiling to the words of another 5inding comfort in his arms $ow I wish you knew 3new how much I love thee $ow much I want to be the man you think of in the night !he man you wake up to his words of love !he man you love to see in days of your distress !he man you love to call when you are sad If only you knew If only you knew 3new off my love for thee I whisper words of love every time you pass by

$oping you will hear me %ut you don.t see me I see you, I notice when you are sick I notice when you are sad I notice, yes I do notice If only you knew, if only you knew, if only

+e used to walk behind them/ her and her friends, I wonder if they had any knowledge off us. 6et me tell you about me and my friends. +e had care in the world but we took things as they were, we were always hyper, laughing, repartee and you might think that we were disrespectful, we knew of love, about love, "ust like any other man we were hopeful that one day we will find that one auspicious one lady whom we will call her our own and bear children with. I always wanted twins and I wondered how she will look when expecting twins and I will laugh on my own. +hat a beautiful site to behold in future. She had a boyfriend, we used to walk behind them, I didn.t show it, I hated that guy, I knew him, and we used to play soccer together. 7on.t get me wrong I reality I liked the guy. !he fact that he was dating her nauseated me. 6et me remind you that we are about to write our finals and I haven.t found the write words to approach her, call me a coward, but I loved her. I couldn.t afford to mess things on the first approach. As days elapsed, preparation for our finals commenced, there was no time to waste let alone run to my spot to get a glimpse of her. I met her friend one day when I went to the badminton practice. !hat day I was in the court playing a game and we had invited students to register for badminton. As I was playing, the door of the hall was left open/ this means that the shuttle.s movement will be slowed down by the air coming inside through the door. As I was playing I shouted &somebody please close the door8', and the door was shut. !hank you &I said'. +e concluded our game and I as I was the captain had to welcome the new members and register their names. She came towards me/ she greeted me, &hi, I.m #atasha, do you mind teaching me how to play' its no problem &I replied'. #ow I know her name, a friend to my mysterious girl. 1bviously I came to know her friends name9 :hristina, what a name. I knew her name, now what.s left is to talk to her. 5inals8 I didn.t see her, I saw her ;:hristinah< sometimes when I was rushing to the exam rooms. $ow I wish I could hear her wishing me good luck. School closed I finished school and there was nowhere to see her. !he next year I decided to go to the mall "ust about the time school ended. I saw her, she got into the taxi, I

knew the route which the taxi took, so I boarded the taxi, I was sitting two seat behind her, talk about stalking someone. :hristinah, the woman I can.t get out of my mind even if I wanted to. I tried, I even dated other girls, and they will always dump me for some reason. -ou see I.m the kind of a guy who can.t bamboo,le. I keep my promises, after all, I believe in true love. It was the year ())= when I started going to church, A Seventh>7ay Adventist :hurch. I went with a close friend of mine, we attended church habitually. !o my surprise she was an Adventist, one reason for me not to miss church, great. !o my surprise we became friends, spent time together, and got to know her more and more, knew her dreams and aspirations. +e became close friends, I visited her, I was found of her mother and father, her family all in all. Sometimes we would talk about experience we had in relationships and what our ideal families should be like. I knew her, she knew me. I was committed to church, I preached, I held bible studies and she was always with me, giving me support. I wanted to tell her how I feel, how I wanted to marry her, make her the mother of my beautiful children. !hey ;children< would take their mothers smile, my eyes, her beauty and intellect. She was? is perfect to me. I had to go to 6obatse for school, went on to study I! and ultimedia, leaving her in Serowe and eventually the distance between us reduced our communications but she was always in my heart. I 6oved her. She came to school at 2niversity 1f %otswana. !here she had a boyfriend, I can.t tell you how they got to date, he was working, had his own place, had money provided for her. I couldn.t rebuke her/ I had to support her all the way. It came to a point when I got to meet the boyfriend/ we used to talk about him, about his flaws and all. I was and had to be supportive to her, be a friend she needed. I used to visit her when she was at his place in 6obatse. @retending to smile and laughing with him was worse than being in an electric chair nor being sentenced to death. %ut she did not know how I felt, the pain I bear to see her happy and smile. 1ne day I told her how I called her, I was home in serowe, I had to tell her how I feel, does though know what she said to me0 &1G', that.s what she calls me/ &7o you know where the football playground is, that.s where you ought to play, I.m not a playfield'. 1uch8 I felt I was nothing, I opened my heart to her and she said that to me, I should have hated her, but my love for her would not let me feel a "ot of dislike to her. I loved her still, even though she had ripped my heart and shattered it and spew out. I continued being friends with her that was the only I could see her and protect her. !hat.s what I wanted, to be there for her, love her, protect her stand by her side always. %eing friend with someone you love, sometimes she will come to you with a problem about her relationship and you will have to help her regardless of how you feel about her. 1ur friendship was strong/ we talked about anything and everything. +e had a bond and every time I talk about us dating, she says she sees me as her

brother. 7o I settle to be her brother or should I convince her that she belongs with me, show her how much I love and care for her, even her father thinks the world of me as do I. if only he knew how much I love her daughter. And her mother is the best, caring, loving and welcoming. $er brother is a great guy and there is her little brother, such an adventurous young boy, he "ust makes me smile every time I see him, he always has something to do to that will amuse us. #ow you can see why I love this girl. After all these years of holding my feelings towards her, I finally snapped and I told her face to face how much I love her and have always loved her and I cant stop nor pretend that these feelings have gone away or were "ust a fling, crush I had towards her. I told her bluntly what mine intensions were towards her. !he year was ()A(, the year my fate was sealed. 1ne day I had approached her close friend to make her "ealous, what a mistake, after I told her how I feel few weeks before. She found out, she was mad, I didn.t blame her, but my concern was not of her furry, my concern was how she responded to the situation, somehow I felt she hided her true feelings towards me. She looked at it as betrayal, maybe it was, I cared, she was sad and it was all because of me. She trusted me and I had let her down, now my attention was shifted to making her forgive me. I loved the fact that she was mad at me, cause that way I can tell her why I did what I did, it might not be a perfect plan but it was a start. #ow she knew how I felt about her, all we needed was time to be together, alone to talk about us, about my love for her. I had no words to even start to tell her how I feel, I only I had three words to tell her &I 6ove -ou'. -ou see I have waited most of my life to tell her these words, holding her in my arms, looking at her beautiful, astounding eyes. +e spent most of the time talking on the phone about love and me and her. #ow we were looking for a day to "ust meet and talk and get everything out in the open. +ill she agree to be with me0 +here to from here0 y heart is pounding with excitement and scared at the same time. !he feeling was excruciating, the anticipation of meeting with her had me going out of my mind. I was excited, I visited her at home one evening and we couldn.t talk about us that day. %ut it was alright because I knew she had thought about us and I had to behave in a manner that will show her that I am serious about being with her.

THAT FATEFULL NIGHT I remember that night, there was a camp fire held by some of our church members and they had camped out of Serowe. !hat Sunday night, we picked her up to attend the camp fire/ I figured it will give us time to talk around the fire, under the stars and the moon. !he night was silent, cold and with her sitting next to me was

everything I wanted and dreamed off. I held her cold hand, we whispered to each other words only meant for us, we had fire before us, people beside us and my eyes only beheld her. She was getting cold/ I could feel her coldness and my heart filled with love felt for her. She whispered &take me to the car I.m free,ing' we both walked in the cold night towards the car/ sat at the backseat of the car, covered her with a small blanket. !here was silent for a minute, we drank tea from the same cup, laughed, ate chips and we talked. :hristy9 1g, what are you saying really0 1G9 where do I start, :hristy, I have always loved, I have watched smile, laugh, cried because of some other guy. I 6ove -ou and I will always love you, I want to start a family you always wanted with you, you know me better than anyone, its not only because of that, that I want to be with you. +e have a bond, I.m happy with you as much as you are with me. :hristy9 I don.t know what to say, but you know I have a boyfriend, I know your feelings are sincere, but I don.t know what you want me to do because I have a boyfriend at the moment. aybe if I didn.t have boyfriend I could be in a position to answer you, not saying I would agree to be your girlfriend or not. 1G9 I know you have a boyfriend, its one of the reasons it took me so long to come to you, but I can.t "ust stay on the side and watch someone I love with all my heart with someone else. +hat I need and want is to be able to know I have tried and failed you as a boyfriend, not saying I.m going to fail you, because I truly love you and there is no way I can fail. I wouldn.t stay this long to tell you how much I love you to fail you and hurt you. I want us to give us a chance at love/ we might regret it someday if we don.t. :hristy9 I hear you, at the moment I have a boyfriend, I cant cheat him and he is your friend, he trusts you. $ow will it look if I start dating you0 I know you are serious and I am sorry because at the moment I.m taken, maybe in future we would have a chance to date but at the moment I have a boyfriend.

1G9 are you really happy and loved where you are at the moment, I don.t want to talk ill about your current boyfriend, this is about me and you, I love you with all my heart, and I know you have a boyfriend, what do you want me to do0 7on.t ask me to find someone or let myself feel for someone else. Its hard for me, I have tried, I dated, but they are not you. y heart belongs to you and if you could "ust let yourself and see that I.m serious about you.

;3ay interrupts< :hristy9 I don.t know 1G, you are my friend and I love you, but we cant date "ust yet because I have a boyfriend, don.t ask me to cheat, it wouldn.t be fair to either one of you, even to me. ;aren.t you cold0< 1G9 #o, this "acket is heavy, come closer and cuddle, you getting cold. SUNUGGLING Its silent in the car, I could hear her breath in and out and her heart beat. $er resting in my bosom, I held her close to my heart, she could hear my heart beat, I could feel her heart. She crabbed my hand, it was soft, and I held her hand tight. !he silence spoke of so many unarticulated feelings. I felt her love in my body, the "oy of "ust holding her in my arms was heaven. Somehow I knew but didn.t want to believe that it is the last time I will ever hold her this way. y true love. !he woman I love, I.ve lost her to another man who does not appreciate her. !hose close to me, tell me of stories about him, how he cheats. 7o I tell her0 $ow do I tell her0 +here do I begin0 +ill she believe me0 7oes she even know how special she is0 #ot only to me, she is heavens part sent to earth and she needs to be nourished and cherished with love. !he night is still dark and there laid the woman I love with all my heart in my heart. $olding her in my arms was, is the best gift heaven had given me, how I wished It never ended. FIRST AND LAST KISS !here she lay in my bosom, beautiful as an angel, he beauty radiated around inside the car/ it was a warm feeling, feeling of appreciation and love. She kept moving closer and closer to me as I kept her warm, rubbed her to make her warm, I could feel her chicks on my chins. !he smell of her hair, her dawn, her perfume like flowers in spring time, I slowly kissed her forehead, grabbed her close and she crabbed my hand tight. 5oot steps approaching the car of my beloved friends, she held her head up to see who were coming, somehow our eyes met and slowly were stared at each other in the eyes, it was quite, I wanted her, she wanted me, we could both feel it, the need of one another, with hearts beating as one. I held her softly and tenderly in my eyes and our lips met, I kissed her softly and as I we were going for another kiss the door of the car opened. She still rested in my arms as we drove home, I could feel our hearts pounding with confusion and excitement with wonder in our minds of what had "ust happened. I held her in my arms we knew that it is our last night together and to try and comprehend what happened will ruin a perfect night we shared. It was a night and was not to be shared with anyone. It was mine and hers only. +e drove up to her place and we

got of the car and hugged. Saying our goodbyes with hugs of appreciation, love that never was to be spoken off and the night to be locked deep in our hearts and through the ages of history until the grave swallowed us both and I, on the other hand still looking at the open road of hope waiting and wishing that some day I will see her walking on that road towards my heart where she belongs. A place where she will stay and dwell forever and ever with love that was and is. 6oving her through her youth till that day we grow old together with our children and grand children and telling them of that momentous night. !o tell them that &+$A! +AS, IS' %ut we will never know, I will never know how it feel to love her, be with her, having our own family together. y beloved is no more. I still hold that auspicious night in my heart even today and forever I will always love her and watch over her from that distance where know one knows and sees my tears as I beheld her in the arms of another man. If I can.t have her nor be with her, then so my destiny is I will grow old alone. !o try and love another will be my perfidy towards her and my love for her. +hat was, Is. !he 6ove !hat +as, Is.
TO: CHRISTINAH MALEBOGO NCHINDO I have loved you with an everla tin! love" and I will alway love you# Ha $ate ha %ho en &or u not to 'e( I& o" let it 'e )nown that today &ro* hen%e&orth I will alway love you and will alway do# I wi h you love" +oy" ha,,ine and *o t o&& all I wi h you the 'e t in havin! that i*,le &a*ily you alway wanted# Don-t let !ot o& drea* " !reatne %o*e &ro* drea*in! o& today and to*orrow# I will alway )ee, you in *y ,rayer # .A Love I My /itne I will alway love you# 1our truly 22222222222222222222222222222222222222222 I LO3E 1O4 0