Osho on Aloneness - We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone

Question: You said the other day that we are born alone, we live Alone and we die alone. Yet it seems as if from the day we Are born, whatever we are doing, whoever we are, we Seek to relate to others in addition, we are usually Attra!ted to being intimate with one "erson in #arti!ular. Would you "lease !omment$

Osho: %he &uestion that you have asked is the &uestion of every human being. We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Aloneness is our very nature, but we are not aware of it. 'e!ause we are not aware of it, we remain strangers to ourselves, and instead of seeing our aloneness as a tremendous beauty and bliss, silen!e and "ea!e, at-easeness with e(isten!e, we misunderstand it as loneliness. )oneliness is a misunderstood aloneness. On!e you misunderstand your aloneness as loneliness, the whole !onte(t !hanges.

Aloneness has a beauty and grandeur, a "ositivity loneliness is "oor, negative, dark, dismal. *verybody is running away from loneliness. +t is like a wound it hurts. %o es!a"e from it, the only way is to be in a !rowd, to be!ome "art of a so!iety, to have friends, to !reate a family, to have husbands and wives, to have !hildren. +n this !rowd, the basi! effort is that you will be able to forget your loneliness. 'ut nobody has ever su!!eeded in forgetting it. %hat whi!h is natural to you, you !an try to ignore -- but you !annot forget it it will assert again and again.

And the "roblem be!omes more !om"le( be!ause you have never seen it as it is you have taken it for granted that you are born lonely. %he di!tionary meaning is the same that shows the mind of the "eo"le who !reate di!tionaries. %hey don,t understand at all the vast differen!e between loneliness and aloneness. )oneliness is a ga". Something is missing, something is needed to fill it, and nothing !an ever fill it be!ause it is a misunderstanding in the first "la!e. As you grow older, the ga" also grows bigger.

#eo"le are so afraid to be by themselves that they do any kind of stu"id thing. + have seen "eo"le "laying !ards alone the other "arty is not there. %hey have invented games in whi!h the same "erson "lays !ards from both sides. Somehow one wants to remain

engaged. %hat engagement may be with "eo"le, may be with work.... %here are workaholi!s they are afraid when the weekend !omes !lose -- what are they going to do$ And if they don,t do anything, they are left to themselves, and that is the most "ainful e("erien!e.

You will be sur"rised to know that it is on the weekends that most of the a!!idents in the world ha""en. #eo"le are rushing in their !ars to resort "la!es, to sea bea!hes, to hill stations, bum"er to bum"er. +t may take eight hours, ten hours to rea!h, and there is nothing for them to do be!ause the whole !rowd has !ome with them. -ow their house, their neighborhood, their !ity is more "ea!eful than this sea resort. *verybody has !ome. 'ut some engagement....

#eo"le are "laying !ards, !hess "eo"le are wat!hing television for hours. %he average Ameri!an wat!hes television five hours a day "eo"le are listening to the radio... .ust to avoid themselves. /or all these a!tivities, the only reason is -- not to be left alone it is very fearful. And this idea is taken from others. Who has told you that to be alone is a fearful state$

%hose who have known aloneness say something absolutely different. %hey say there is nothing more beautiful, more "ea!eful, more .oyful than being alone. 'ut you listen to the !rowd. %he "eo"le who live in misunderstanding are in su!h a ma.ority, that who bothers about a 0arathustra, or a 1autam 'uddha$ %hese single individuals !an be wrong, !an be hallu!inating, !an be de!eiving themselves or de!eiving you, but millions of "eo"le !annot be wrong. And millions of "eo"le agree that to be left to oneself is the worst e("erien!e in life it is hell.

'ut any relationshi" that is !reated be!ause of the fear, be!ause of the inner hell of being left alone, !annot be satisfying. +ts very root is "oisoned. You don,t love your woman, you are sim"ly using her not to be lonely neither does she love you. She is also in the same "aranoia she is using you not to be left alone. -aturally, in the name of love anything may ha""en -- e(!e"t love. /ights may ha""en, arguments may ha""en, but even they are "referred to being lonely: at least somebody is there and you are engaged, you !an forget your loneliness.

'ut love is not "ossible, be!ause there is no basi! foundation for love. )ove never grows out of fear. You are asking, 2You said the other day that we are born alone, we live alone and we die alone. Yet it seems as if from the day we are born, whatever we are doing,

whoever we are, we seek to relate to others.2

%his seeking to relate to others is nothing but es!a"ism. *ven the smallest baby tries to find something to do if nothing else, then he will su!k his own big toes on his feet. +t is an absolutely futile a!tivity, nothing !an !ome out of it, but it is engagement. 3e is doing something. You will see in the stations, in the air"orts, small boys and girls !arrying their teddy bears they !annot slee" without them. 4arkness makes their loneliness even more dangerous. %he teddy bear is a great "rote!tion somebody is with them.

And your 1od is nothing but a teddy bear for grown-u"s. You !annot live as you are. Your relationshi"s are not relationshi"s. %hey are ugly. You are using the other "erson, and you know "erfe!tly well the other "erson is using you. And to use anybody is to redu!e him into a thing, into a !ommodity. You don,t have any res"e!t for the "erson.

2+n addition,2 you are asking, 2we are usually attra!ted to being intimate with one "erson in "arti!ular.2

+t has a "sy!hologi!al reason. You are brought u" by a mother, by a father if you are a boy, you start loving your mother and you start being .ealous of your father be!ause he is a !om"etitor if you are a girl, you start loving your father and you hate your mother be!ause she is a !om"etitor. %hese are now established fa!ts, not hy"otheses, and the result of it turns your whole life into a misery.

%he boy !arries the image of his mother as the model of a woman. 3e be!omes !onditioned !ontinuously he knows only one woman so !losely, so intimately. 3er fa!e, her hair, her warmth -- everything be!omes an im"rint. %hat,s e(a!tly the s!ientifi! word used: it be!omes an im"rint in his "sy!hology. And the same ha""ens to the girl about the father. When you grow u", you fall in love with some woman or with some man and you think, 2#erha"s we are made for ea!h other.2 -obody is made for anyone.

'ut why do you feel attra!ted towards one !ertain "erson$ +t is be!ause of your im"rint. 3e must resemble your father in some way she must resemble your mother in some way. Of !ourse no other woman !an be e(a!tly a re"li!a of your mother, and anyway you are not in sear!h of a mother, you are in sear!h of a wife. 'ut the im"rint inside you de!ides who is the right woman for you. %he moment you see that woman, there is no

&uestion of reasoning. You immediately feel attra!tion your im"rint immediately starts fun!tioning - - this is the woman for you, or this is the man for you.

+t is good as far as meeting on!e in a while on the sea bea!h, in the movie hall, in the garden is !on!erned, be!ause you don,t !ome to know ea!h other totally. 'ut you are both hankering to live together you want to be married, and that is one of the most dangerous ste"s that lovers !an take. %he moment you are married, you start be!oming aware of the totality of the other "erson, and you are sur"rised on every single as"e!t -2Something went wrong this is not the woman, this is not the man2 -- be!ause they don,t fit with the ideal that you are !arrying within you.

And the trouble is multi"lied be!ause the woman is !arrying an ideal of her father -- you don,t fit with it. You are !arrying the ideal of your mother -- she does not fit with it. %hat,s why all marriages are failures. Only very rare marriages are not failures -- and + ho"e 1od should save you from those marriages whi!h are not failures, be!ause they are "sy!hologi!ally si!k. %here are "eo"le who are sadists, who en.oy torturing others, and there are "eo"le who are maso!hists, who en.oy torturing themselves.

+f a husband and wife belong to these two !ategories, that marriage will be a su!!essful marriage. One is a maso!hist and one is a sadist -- it is a "erfe!t marriage, be!ause one en.oys being tortured and one en.oys torturing. 'ut ordinarily it is very diffi!ult to find out in the first "la!e whether you are a maso!hist or a sadist, and then to look for your other "olarity.... +f you are wise enough you should go to the "sy!hologist and en&uire who you are, a maso!hist or a sadist$ and ask if he !an give you some referen!es whi!h !an fit with you.

Sometimes, .ust by a!!ident, it ha""ens that a sadist and maso!hist be!ome married. %hey are the ha""iest "eo"le in the world they are fulfilling ea!h other,s needs. 'ut what kind of need is this$ -- they are both "sy!ho"aths, and they are living a life of torture. 'ut otherwise, every marriage is going to fail, for one sim"le reason: the im"rint is the "roblem. *ven in marriage, the basi! reason for whi!h you wanted to have the relationshi" is not fulfilled. You are more alone when you are with your wife than when you are alone.

%o leave husband and wife in a room by themselves is to make them both utterly miserable. his whole effort -- whether of relationshi"s or remaining busy in a thousand and one things -- is .ust to es!a"e from the idea that you are lonely. And + want it to be

em"hati!ally !lear to you that this is where the meditator and the ordinary man "art. %he ordinary man goes on trying to forget his loneliness, and the meditator starts getting more and more a!&uainted with his aloneness.

3e has left the world he has gone to the !aves, to the mountains, to the forest, .ust for the sake of being alone. 3e wants to know who he is. +n the !rowd, it is diffi!ult there are so many disturban!es. And those who have known their aloneness have known the greatest blissfulness "ossible to human beings -- be!ause your very being is blissful. After being in tune with your aloneness, you !an relate then your relationshi" will bring great .oys to you, be!ause it is not out of fear.

/inding your aloneness you !an !reate, you !an be involved in as many things as you want, be!ause this involvement will not anymore be running away from yourself. -ow it will be your e("ression now it will be the manifestation of all that is your "otential. Only su!h a man -- whether he lives alone or lives in the so!iety, whether he marries or lives unmarried makes no differen!e -- is always blissful, "ea!eful, silent. 3is life is a dan!e, is a song, is a flowering, is a fragran!e. Whatever he does, he brings his fragran!e to it.

'ut the first basi! thing is to know your aloneness absolutely. %his es!a"e from yourself you have learned from the !rowd. 'e!ause everybody is es!a"ing, you start es!a"ing. *very !hild is born in a !rowd and starts imitating "eo"le what others are doing, he starts doing. 3e falls into the same miserable situations as others are in, and he starts thinking that this is what life is all about. And he has missed life !om"letely.

So + remind you, don,t misunderstand aloneness as loneliness. )oneliness is !ertainly si!k aloneness is "erfe!t health.

1insberg visits 4o!tor 1oldberg. 25a, you are si!k.2 2-ot good enough. + want another o"inion.2 2Okay,2 said 4o!tor 1oldberg, 2you are ugly too.2 We are all !ommitting the same kinds of misunderstandings !ontinually.

+ would like my "eo"le to know that your first and most "rimary ste" towards finding the

meaning and signifi!an!e of life is to enter into your aloneness. +t is your tem"le it is where your 1od lives, and you !annot find this tem"le anywhere else. You !an go on to the moon, to 6ars....

On!e you have entered your innermost !ore of being, you !annot believe your own eyes: you were !arrying so mu!h .oy, so many blessings, so mu!h love... and you were es!a"ing from your own treasures. 7nowing these treasures and their ine(haustibility, you !an move now into relationshi"s, into !reativity. You will hel" "eo"le by sharing your love, not by using them. You will give dignity to "eo"le by your love you will not destroy their res"e!t. And you will, without any effort, be!ome a sour!e for them to find their own treasures too.

Whatever you make, whatever you do, you will s"read your silen!e, your "ea!e, your blessings into everything "ossible. 'ut this basi! thing is not taught by any family, by any so!iety, by any university. #eo"le go on living in misery, and it is taken for granted. *verybody is miserable, so it is nothing mu!h if you are miserable you !annot be an e(!e"tion. 'ut + say unto you: You !an be an e(!e"tion. You .ust have not made the right effort.