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A Musical Seminar
by Peter Greenwall
LOGICAL STUPIDITY
INNOVATION by navigating through nonsense
BASED ON REALITY
& INSPIRED BY PROFESSIONAL BULLSHi*T!NG
by Peter Greenwall
LOGICAL STUPIDITY
Table of Contents
Project Overview
Innovation, by tapping into the world’s most abundant natural resource - STUPIDITY:
?Þ A☺ y′ − É s
Confusion Internal dialogue Ideas Statement Creative expression Reward
Shit happens for a reason – so we can write about it, sing about it and make products
that try to stop it happening.
Use it to create innovative products and services, to create original rich content and for
general inspiration and motivation.
Apply the formula by buying the e-book, visiting the website or attending a seminar.
You can also unleash your creative potential by watching a business school musical.
For Showbiz: 61 songs, 80 short songs for you to finish, 451 comedy sketches, 300
stand-up shticks, 43 TV show pitches, 31 movie pitches, 602 cartoons, photo's &
illustrations
217 inspiration devices that were directly responsible for all of the above
By using prescribed keywords, you find something you’d like to design, sing, present,
act in or invest in, and then you JUST DO IT – upload your version at
www.logicalstupidity.com. (See ‘16 reasons for getting involved’.)
It’s all about INNOVATION - sharing new ideas into existence, sharing profits, mutual
promotion, and auditioning for a stage show!
Or at the very least it’s about getting inspiration for your own projects.
Book Synopsis:
Logical Stupidity deals with the psychology, theory and practice of innovation.
The theory is based on a unique formula that converts stupidity, the world’s
most abundant natural resource, into creative energy.
By celebrating your dysfunctions rather than trying to cure them, Logical Stupidity
offers a unique style of creative therapy for managing thoughts, feelings, brand names
and relationships. *
By making up your own answers to everything that makes no sense to you, you’re
heading into the unknown, claiming it as your own and creating something that never
existed before – the essence of innovation.
This book helps you achieve the above by revealing how dysfunction, humour, fantasy
and professional bullshitting all play a vital role in the creation of ART – Automatic
Radical Thoughts – the essential ingredients of all 1878 projects in this book. You're
welcome to get involved by uploading your own versions at www.logicalstupidity.com
or, if nothing grabs you, then use the formula to create your own songs, movies,
artworks, products and services.
An in-depth look at how the universal idea factory works, this is an instruction manual
for using your internal dialogue as an inventing machine.
From: “Be brave, be creative, be original and get down to funky business” –
an article in The Times by Jon Ashworth (Business/Finance Journalist of the
Year 2005).
‘Funky Business’ is by Kjell Nordstrom and Jonas Ridderstrale.
?Þ A☺ y′ − É s
Confusion Internal dialogue Ideas Statement Creative expression Reward
We know that ideas can come from anywhere, but how do they select you as a target?
Is it by random chance or can you do something specific to cause 'gapcidents'?
(Happy accidents where stupidity collides with logic to form solutions & new ideas.)
Having just returned from a tour of the universal idea factory (3 years of navel
gazing), I’m happy to report that there are 217 specific things you can do to ‘get
ideas’. They all involve navigating through nonsense and positioning yourself at the
Centre Of Confusion inside a Universal Problem - The COC-UP - where multiple fields
connect for you to claim the unknown, i.e.
How? Through R&D creative therapy you’re going to Rehash & Disguise your
frustrations and sell them using different media. So instead of temper tantrums and
anxiety attacks you’re going to hang up your hang-ups as art. Instead of ranting to
anyone who’ll listen, you’re going to set your misery to comedy & music and bitch
about it to the beat. Or if things aren’t how you’d like them to be, then you’re going to
bridge the gap by designing a gadget.
Since you can’t find solutions unless you have problems, confusion, disillusion,
uncertainty, the unknown - stupidity - this is what we’re searching for.
Logical Stupidity is a mapbook with 217 ways to find unlikely places – which is where
all the movies, products, pictures & songs in this book come from.
This book will open your mind to at least 3000 new possibilities –
Directed at: anyone who needs a catalyst for creation. That could be for solving a
problem, to cure writer’s block, to generate new ideas for new products & services or
just general motivation and opening your mind to new possibilities.
All devices were used to create the following:
Directed at: actors, directors, writers and moviemakers looking to develop new
material. Search for keyword ‘dilog’ or to find short dialogues begging for you to
finish them your own way.
Singers – Download the vocal version, together with the backing track, then upload
your own version in your own unique style – i.e. GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX!
Video yourself performing the song live – from your bedroom, studio or at your gig.
You should also upload an mp3 file for a better quality recording.
Directed at: governments and citizens in the interest of making the world a better
place.
Directed at: myself mostly, because I have all of them, but you may want to check to
see if you have any of these disorders caused by various creative issues. Why?
Once you know you have them you can get them to work for you. How so?
Other Keywords
You May Want to Search For
Also see ‘TV shows cited’ and ‘Companies cited as examples of innovation’ (in
the bibliography section).
Glossary
If you’re sane, or suspect you might be sane, you should not ride.
You should also be aware that while inner space travel is just as fascinating as
outer space travelling, it's also just as dangerous - things can go horribly wrong
on re-entry back to the physical world and should you make it,
everything will be different.
Please secure all loose thoughts and feelings as the management will not be
held responsible for any loss or damage to your current belief system.
No eating or drinking.
Artificial Inseminovation: used for those who’d like to have ideas but can’t.
ASOWL TAX: Altruistic Sense Of Wellbeing & Love TAX (Carbon Offset Tax).
A system of throwing money at the problem to make you feel less guilty about
destroying the planet (produx).
BackWord Thinking: a thinking style that uses words taken from the way things are
and how you’ve always done them. The opposite would be ForWord Thinking –
using words taken from the way you’d like things to be. Both styles are essential for
the Meshugganah Matrix to work.
Breaking Muse: the latest inspiring mystery, which could come from any source –
news, movies, reality TV, text, e-mail forward, a media spectacle, facebook, etc.
Whatever the source it’s usually addictive, which is why you’ve become an infomaniac.
BS: Believable Story, Belief System, Business Strategy, Better Suggestion, Bum Suck.
Careography: choreographed caring – essential for leaders who need to turn a crisis
into an opportunity. See FOK-U: Façade Of Kindness & Understanding.
Clintonian Metaphysics: the act of redefining reality to suit yourself. Named after
Bill Clinton who did not have sexual relations with that woman but found an alternative
use for a cigar. This is exactly how innovation happens!
All that’s left is to name your new invention:
The Cigarildo™ – the executive privilege toy [see book for details on other ‘execs
toys’].
Other examples:
‘This is not a bribe. This is me taking you to lunch.’
‘This is not the government lying to the public – this is doing what’s best for the
national interest.’
‘I’m not fat. I’ve overcome my battle with anorexia.’
Crisis: Racism
Opportunity 1: a concession stand at a rock concert encouraging people to
‘Bungee Jump Against Racism’ (produx).
Opportunity 2: ‘Crash’ the movie.
D 'n' A: Dreams 'n' Aspirations that have to be encoded to find your purpose.
EAD: Easily Amused Disorder – this is only a disorder from the perspective of other
people who’d like you to curb your enthusiasm. You, however, experience the
sensation of living in a sitcom where you’re the star of the show!
Errorthoughtical Space Travel: travelling through the inner space of your mind
that happens by combining pseudo with science, or fantasy with fact, to create
factasies: the act of riding rumours or jumping on your own conclusions based on little
evidence in order to find unexplored territory.
Evel Kneidel: Jewish stuntman who performs halachically incorrect stunts. You’ll
have to buy the book to see what they are.
Existential Innovation: the act of bringing new things into existence by trying to
find the meaning of life, not being able to, but building something with your subjective
conclusion anyway.
Name: Existential Innovation.
Catchphrase: If it doesn’t exist – make it!
Song: X! Involves jumping on assumptions based on very little evidence and
riding them all the way:
e.g. OOPS: Why does David Letterman mock Dr Phil for pulling advice out of his
arse but not Steven Spielberg for doing the same thing with his ideas?
Conclusion: I’m jumping to (based on this hairline of evidence): It’s expected
in the movie biz - not in the psychology biz.
Riding this conclusion all the way:
Whether you’re giving advice, writing a script, business plan, mortgage deal,
psychological disorder, pop song, press release, scientific theory, whatever –
they all involve the same creative process:
taking ownership of the mysterious unknown, the gift with which you can do
anything you like. For example, this phenomenon of Pulling Advice From Your
Ass(pirations) For FINancial Gain is called PAFYAFFING.
Once you’ve dreamed up a name, nature works in mysterious ways – as you
start fabricating a story to explain your name, the evidence magically presents
itself, to the point where the name brings the product into existence.
FFAF Disorder (new disorder): the opposite of FOBAN is FFAF Disorder, experienced
by those who’ve become famous or who want to be famous for reasons unrelated to
their inherent talent. Since the fame is based entirely on external approval, sufferers
feel their fame could disappear at any stage, which is why they feel the need to
constantly seek attention.
FIBing: the act of Filling In Blanks to explain the unexplainable with Believable
Stories, Belief Systems, Business Strategies and various other Bum Sucks collectively
known as BS.
Flexigram: a word, phrase or picture that connects your idea to the idea you need to
connect to. For example:
Wantasee: that which you wantasee.
Guessedge: knowledge in progress.
Chocorette™: chocolate substitute for those trying to quit.
£$€: London Stock Exchange.
Nateral Thinking: thinking that’s automatically lateral, which is why you don’t
have to think about it. So don’t.
ForWord Thinking: using words taken from the way you’d like things to be. As
opposed to BackWord Thinking – using words taken from the way things are and
how you’ve always done them. Both thinking styles are essential for the Meshugganah
Matrix to work.
Gapcident: the point where logic collides with stupidity to bridge the gap. They’re
caused by accidents and crises that always lead to confusion, followed by new ideas.
This is the magical moment when dreams become reality, when the
metaphysical turns into the physical, when subjectivity turns to objectivity and
when guessedge turns into knowledge to bring about new realities.
Hippocritic Oath: the oath undertaken by all artists and authors. I promise:
By taking the oath I am allowed to lie or tell the truth – whichever satisfies the above
criteria. See ‘Editorial Licence’.
Insanity Quotient (IQ): level to which you’re doing something so original you’re
considered insane. IQ is driven by obsessive passion following.
Inspirageology: the study of inspiration and imagination. The study asks and
answers the following questions:
1) Who or what is providing the stimulus that’s creating everything?
2) How does information flow from a stimulus to a receiver?
3) How does information from the past connect with information from the
future?
4) How and why do you act as a medium for unrelated ideas to connect to
form new ideas?
5) How do you play your part in designing the future?
Inspiraygialism: the art of copying other people’s ideas in such a way that nobody
notices; the rehashing and disguising of existing ideas so that they lead to way better
ideas – your own; the direct result of evolution merging with incremental innovation.
KICK: Keep It Complex Klutz – essential for Simplexity: the art of keeping things
complex enough to make you an authority, yet simple enough to understand.
Your desire to narrow the gap between how things are and how you’d like them to be
not only drives innovation, it also drives you crazy. Use your craziness and you’re
tapping into the same formula running our luniverse, where opposite extremes are
part of the same process:
Vs.
The answer can always be found in the nonsense-revealing question – e.g. nonsense
to Homer Simpson: ‘Why does everything I whip keep leaving me?’
Or nonsense discovered at Intel: Why are we using men in spacesuits to build
microchips? What if we used robots? Couldn’t we shrink the size of the chip, improve
overall performance and increase production? ANSWER – yes!
Both the logical and the stupid are included in the formula since opposing forces are
part of the creative process. To see both sides you have to zoom a little further out,
to the point where you observe harmonious dysfunction or ‘the workable cock-up’ –
e.g.
News report: Farting cows are blowing holes through the ozone faster than CO2
emissions from cars. What does this mean? MacDonald’s, by taking out the
cows, are actually doing their bit to save the planet. And you can help by
eating more burgers!
This is logical stupidity on level one: idiotic humour. But it’s from this vantage point
that you’re able to see real solutions to real problems – e.g. the use of methane gas as
a source of energy to run trains, which is already happening.
This is logical stupidity in action, where humour plays a vital part of the creative
process.
Meshugganah Matrix: inspiration device designed to bridge the gap between your
crazy ideas and what the market wants.
For example:
• You’ve got your tagline, now you need the business plan.
• You’ve got an idea for a comedy sketch, but it has to fill 22 minutes of airtime.
• You’ve got your punch line, now you need the joke.
• You’ve got the title of your song, now you need the verse & chorus.
• You’ve got the title of your book, now you need the chapters & buzzwords.
• You’ve got your verdict / foregone conclusion, now you need to make the case.
• You’ve got your sound bite or headline, now you need to write the article.
• You’ve got your universal theory, now you need to gather more evidence.
• You’ve made your point, now you need to shut up and prove it.
The matrix doesn’t only generate new ideas but connects all the ideas you
already have on file by using the KICK principle: Keep It Complex Klutz.
Why? Because there’s no money in simplicity!
• That’s why it takes a 70-page contract just to say ‘don’t rip me off’.
• That’s why it takes an entire bible to pad out The Ten Commandments.
• That’s why it takes a whole newspaper to pad out the events of the day even if
nothing much happened.
• That’s why it takes an entire episode of CSI to solve a murder mystery.
• That’s why it takes a self-help seminar just to say: ‘Get your shit together’.
• This is why it took my therapist 2 years and £4000 to figure out that I have
serious issues with my mother. I could have told her that myself.
• That’s why it took 320 pages for Edward Debono to describe how to keep it
simple, in his book called: ‘Simplicity’.
Misinterpreation: caused by denial and error – which leads to missing the point
entirely and ending up in a way more interesting place than the intended message.
Can also have destructive consequences. There are 12 factors causing it, one of them
being Punlexia.
Mystonomy: the practice of labelling your confusion in order to make it feel normal;
the practice of converting personal problems into products.
And once you create a group of sufferers all bitching about the same thing,
you’ve got safety in numbers, which leads to an exponential catch-on because
there’s no better way to deal with misery than spreading it around a bit.
Examples:
• Why do I feel the need to chase supermodels and buy sports cars even
though I’m married with kids? That’s a ‘mid-life crisis’.
• How do we make it cool to be old? ‘40 is the new 20.’
• Why do I feel depressed? That’s ‘depression’.
• How come I don’t fall off the planet? That’s ‘gravity’.
• Why am I thoroughly bored at work? That’s boreout, discovered and tagged
by Peter Werder.
• Why does my penis shrink when it gets cold? That’s shrinkage, by Jerry
Seinfeld.
• Why don’t we have better-looking hybrid cars? We do now: ‘The Batterari’
by me.
This brings up the point of why mystonomy is an innovation tool. When you
reach a point where there are no answers, or you’re not satisfied with the
answers that exist – invent your own!
Observational Innovation: the practice of turning punch lines into taglines – i.e.
observations into innovative products.
With observational humour, the comedy comes from reflecting reality – e.g.
have you tried dating online? Ever notice how all 3 pictures of your fantasy
partner look nothing like the one you meet?
That’s your OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity – i.e. you are reflecting
reality.
With observation innovation you go one step further and actually change reality
by doing something about your observation – you invent a product that solves
the problem:
Introducing FutureFoto™ – what your Internet date will actually look like.
Turns out that the difference between humour and innovation is simply a matter
of functionality: does the joke product work? If it does, your punch line
becomes a product that will make you laugh all the way to the bank.
OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity – the first step of the innovation process. These
are questions triggered by that which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R and
which contain the answer to everything.
For example:
• Why do people walk backwards in horror movies?
• What’s the speed of dark?
• What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?
• If this ain't love, why does it feel so good?
• How does the creative process work?
• Why are we using men dressed in spacesuits to build microchips? What if we
used robots? Couldn’t we shrink the size of the chip, improve overall
performance and increase production? (Questions asked by engineers at Intel.)
Osknowsis: the flow of information from a high concentration (everything you know)
to a low concentration (confusion).
Examples:
1) ‘Oh my god, that is sick, disgusting, twisted and offensive – I love it!’
2) ‘E-mail forwards are nothing but a waste of time; a total abuse of bandwidth;
keep ‘em coming!’
4) Das Crazy Sex Show?! Other people’s perverted sex lives are apparently
fascinating.
5) Double car pileup on the highway – you just can’t look away.
7) You can’t have a hero without a disaster. (Just like you can’t have war movies
without wars.)
If the Titanic never sank it wouldn’t have been turned into the highest grossing
movie of all time.
If 9/11 didn’t happen, if school kids didn’t murder their classmates at school, if
the American healthcare system wasn’t a mess, political hero’s couldn’t emerge
to save the day and documentary makers like Michael Moore wouldn’t have any
material to work with.
Ditto for movies dealing with war & genocide that all go under ‘entertainment’.
9) The subject matter of popular news headlines: business, political, sex and
showbiz scandals.
Parafrazing: the extreme sport that involves jumping on a bandwagon, adding wings
and flying it your own way. (See Chart 2 for examples.)
Perfect Question: any question leading to answers that make Absolutely No Sense
Whatso Ev R. It’s perfect because from this point you’re free to start coming up with
your own answers.
PIFYAFFING: Pulling Ideas From Your Asspirations For FINancial Gain. Also known
as PAFYAFFING: Pulling Advice From Your Asspirations For FINancial Gain.
Pole Splitting Question: questions designed to make you answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ so that
you’ll instantly get an opinion. Once that happens you’re more likely to click a
banner ad and make a purchase – e.g.
Should Harry go to Iraq?
Did Heather marry Paul for money?
Are you bored with the climate crisis?
Yes or no? Click here and win a plasma TV.
Pop Song Poetry: a device to help you create new songs and products by combining
2 or more samples from your favourite influences. Here’s how it works:
1) Cut 'n' Paste words from your target influences onto cards.
2) Shuffle the cards, throw them on your desk, read them as they lie and
lie about them as you read.
As you lie about them, you automatically add yourself to the mix:
Applied to songwriting you could take one ‘bum’ from ‘shake ya bum bum’, or
‘touch my bum’, the ‘hey’ from ‘Hey Jude’ or ‘Hey Macarena’, the ‘moon in June’
or a ‘together forever’ from wherever, roll it all into one, like a new improved
mortgage deal, and then:
Two types of inventions are possible using PSP: Buzzkeys and Tradels.
Punlexia (new disorder): an auditory processing disorder where the brain searches
for alternative meanings instead of trying to understand the intended meaning. This
often results in a person being accused of not listening properly. There’s no cure, but
since it’s a highly creative disorder you wouldn’t want one anyway. Just follow the
accident. When it comes to playing with words, you’re a phonetic, so follow the songs
and sounds in your head wherever they take you. When your Punlexia impairs your
ability to focus, then follow the spontenudity. By discovering new words, you’re also
discovering new destinations in our thoughtmosphere, which can then be turned into:
This is a permanent fatal error. May the grim rapper take you on a wild
inventure to find your ERRORGENIUS ZONE.
Queue of Indecision: the queue that you stand in all by yourself for as long as it
takes for you to make your mind up about anything. What keeps you standing in this
queue? Freedom of choice and weighing up multiple options:
(See commercial e-book for a 6-page ‘Larry David’ style comedy sketch, set in the
‘small electrical appliances’ section of a large department store – starring me drowning
in a sea of multiple options while trying to buy a kettle.)
R&D Therapy: creative therapy that involves the ‘Research & Development’ of your
mind. R&D also involves the ‘Rehashing and Disguising’ of your dysfunctions by
transferring them into a different medium. So instead of them manifesting as temper
tantrums and antisocial behaviour, you explore alternative creative options and…
1) Write them off as scripts for movies.
2) Hang up your hang-ups as artworks.
3) Set your misery to music – bitch about it to the beat.
4) Develop a product – bridge the gap with a gadget.
I.E. IF YOU’RE OUT OF WHACK YOU’RE RIGHT ON TRACK!
R&D therapy doesn’t try to fix your dysfunctions because they’re not supposed to be
fixed. This is nature’s way of creating the luniverse. How do I know for sure?
Well who do you know that isn’t just a little bit whacked out in some way? Exactly.
We’re all Fluffed In The Head (FITH principle of psychology) but not in the same
way:
The slight difference is known as your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique
Blessing In Disguise.
The objective of R&D therapy is to find them and make them work for you.
RIGS: Random Idea Generating Situations – where all ideas come from.
Rythmagination: state of mental freedom where you allow your mind to flow in the
direction it wants to go in order to make up for what isn’t there.
Essential for taking ownership of the unknown. (YOU OWN THE UNKNOWN.)
Sell de Junk: an everyday object that manages to find a market through the ARTS:
Any Rubbish That Sells. A ‘Sell de Junk’ is a sound-alike of its pioneer, Marcelle
Duchamp, who transplanted a urinal from the men’s loo into an art gallery and called it
‘The Fountain’, not only proving that anything is art, but also that: You can't polish a
turd, but you can frame it, call it something else and put a price tag on it.
Simplexity: the art of keeping things complex enough to make you an authority,
yet simple enough to understand. It works by the KICK principle:
How does it all work? Simple. By complication. And it all happens by way of
THE MESHUGGANAH MATRIX. Now off you go to read about that one.
On the top end of the SKIL spectrum you have geniuses who compose
symphonies and build atom bombs and space shuttles. On the other end you
have idiot savants who can barely read, write or learn and yet can calculate
numbers rapidly and figure out what day Chanukah falls in 2040. Regular idiots
can run powerful countries without ever being taught how to do this. How
exactly do they know what they know? The same way that only you know how
to do what you do best, because of the SKIL you’ve taught yourself.
SPQV: Self-Propelled Question Vehicle required for travelling through inner space.
The SPQV is powered by curiosity, a fuel made by burning aspiration and emotion that
splits your thoughts to create emotional instability. You steer your vehicle by asking 3
questions:
1) What do I know?
2) What don’t I know?
And the big moneymaking question:
3) What will nobody ever know?
These questions will take you to a place in the thoughtmosphere where nobody
knows better than you, and from here you’re free to start coming up with your
own answers. How do you know when you get there? See ‘Perfect Question’.
And where exactly are you going? To planet SCLITMOH:
We’re all a bit @£$% in the head; it’s just a matter of how. The slight difference
between us is what makes up our STUBID. That blessing in disguise is the unique way
in which only you can make connections or screw things up:
• On being asked if you take this woman to be your wife, you say: ‘Computer says
no.’
• At a cellphone shop you ask if a Bluetooth headset will work with your Blackberry.
• You go for anal bleaching because ‘you only get one chance to make a first
impression’.
• On the menu of a restaurant called ‘Taiping’, you just have to scribble ‘40p per
page’.
• At an Indian restaurant you order the chicken cumin just so you can ask the waiter
not to put so much cum in.
• For some peculiar reason, you see traffic lights as smiley faces, so you have to fill
them in.
All these basic malfunctions are a huge part of the creative process so best you
start paying attention to exactly what kind of nutcase you are. For those who need
a little help, R&D therapy has been designed to locate your particular blessing, and
channel it in a creative direction. In other words: If you’re out of whack you’re
right on track.
Thought Bomb: when accidents of any kind are analysed it causes shrapnel of
multiple thoughts from unrelated fields to collide and fly off in multiple directions.
Tradels (see ‘Pop Song Poetry’): products, movies or songs derived by combining
trademarks, labels, titles, headlines and melodies.
For example, from Starbucks + Hooters you could get HooterBucks – ‘hot chicks hot
coffee’; ‘try our S(lattes)’. (produx)
Movies:
Pots & Pans – a magical (gay) kitchen adventure starring Peter Potter & Harry
Pan. (mmovies)
The Spy who shagged Terry Poppins. (mmovies)
Lord of the Spiderkong Wars – about the battle of the uh, Spiderkongs.
(mmovies)
Snakes on Brokeback Mountain. (mmovies)
Dude, where’s my cheese? (mmovies)
Cattlestar Ballactica – about a very clever cow who finds a solution to global
warming. (mmovies)
TV shows:
Big Ass Celebrity (from Big Brother, Jackass & I’m a celebrity get me outa
here). (TVshow)
Examples:
1) You can’t understand why all the beds in England are split in two. The missing
sock is revealed when you’re moving home and have to carry one up a flight of
stairs.
2) Lisa Simpson has a vujade watching her father and Ned Flanders mowing the lawn
in their wives' dresses after losing a bet. She says: ‘Why do I get the feeling that
someday I’ll be describing this to a psychiatrist?’ [This is a vujade that could take
30 years to reveal.]
The final scene from ‘Dead Putting Society’.
3) You’re changing a tyre of a new car. There are 4 nuts but one is different.
Why does one nut require a special key to unscrew it? This is a vujade – you know
there’s a reason, you just have to wait until you get to the mechanic, for the
missing sock to be revealed – it’s an antitheft device. Apparently people go round
stealing wheels. [Took me an hour to find this out.]
Wantasee: the way you want to see things based on your D 'n' A – Dreams 'n'
Aspirations.
Yougle: the search engine of your mind activated by your OOPS – Observation Of
Pure Stupidity.
Songlist
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2. You quote the website – www.logicalstupidity.com
3. You quote the author – Peter Greenwall
4. YOU BUY THE COMMERCIAL VERSION OF THIS BOOK!! Click here to get it.
Published by MISTAKE
Seriously – the whole thing was a freak accident. I started off writing a script to link a
few songs together when I accidentally stumbled on the universal formula for
innovation and creativity in general.
This is an edited Beta Book, test version 1.1 containing 20% of the
commercially available e-book. Many of the ideas have not been fully
thought through, which is why:
Disclaimers:
1) If you’re offended by anything in this book, it’s all fiction. Made up. Comedy.
Satire. Not for those who believe there are certain things you can’t make jokes about,
like other people’s ridiculous beliefs.
2) If you agree with everything, then it’s creative non-fiction; in fact it’s my thesis on
the psychology, theory and practice of innovation.
3) If you agree with some of it but not all of it, then it’s no different from other books
about creation.
4) While every effort has been taken to ensure hysterical accuracy, most of the bullshit
turned out to be true. This was either coincidental, magical or logical, and possibly all
three.
5) All my thoughts and feelings were correct at the time of writing them, but that was
then, and I reserve the right to feel differently about things now.
[In accordance with Article 7 of the Hippocritic Oath.]
The book is designed to inspire you to create your own ideas, as well as upload your
own versions of the creative briefs. To keep the Terms & Conditions simple: what
happens on the website stays on the website! To keep it complex: see further details
on the next page.
Logical Stupidity is about providing you with inspiration for your own projects.
It’s also about sharing ideas into the marketplace, and mutual promotion. If you
choose to follow the creative briefs then here’s the deal:
Our relationship is based on the idea that you need ‘material’ to expose your talent
and I need someone to present, sing, act out, photograph, design, make or produce
the material that I’ve created. This is why we need to work together!
What happens on this website stays on the website! You’re free to copy, adapt and
remix anything without permission as long as it’s not for commercial release and you
upload your version on this site for all to see. We can only use each other’s work for
promotional purposes i.e. showreels, resumes and public broadcast on TV, radio or
other websites for promotional use. But should either of us want to release anything
commercially, we need to seek each other’s permission. So if I want to use your
artwork for anything besides this e-book or website – e.g. a movie, training video,
multimedia stage show, cast album, (as I plan to do), then I would need to ask your
permission. The same applies to you regarding the use of any of my material. If a
third party wants to use our collaborative effort, then we all need to come to an
arrangement.
If you’re not changing the work but are presenting it in some form, then the inscription
should be: ‘Title of the work’ presented / illustrated / performed, choreographed, sung,
by [your name] for www.logicalstupidity.com. By getting yourself in the mix you are
partly responsible for the magic, therefore should the clip, song, sketch leave the
domain of this website, you are entitled to some kind of deal that needs to be
discussed. But I’m not using your precious production for any purpose besides this
site. If I do I’ll ask you!
Be aware that this is the script for a documentary on the psychology, theory and
practice of innovation, where every clip or artwork is the product of various inspiration
devices. If you have something from your portfolio that fits the example, then you’re
welcome to upload it, but we can’t have arbitrary off-topic clips or any copyrighted
material from elsewhere.
Let's go through the various types of content on offer and how you may use them:
Comedy sketches & stand-up shticks (more than 500): keywords to search for
[mmovies; shtix]
For singers actors, presenters, comedians working on comedy sketches in groups or
solo songs, stand-up shticks & presenter links:
Anything you upload is automatically part of the online clickumentary about the
creative process as well as your audition for the stage show and innovation workshops.
If you don’t want to audition for anything but are just promoting yourself in the web
version, then that’s fine. (Just say so in your upload details.)
Graphic Art, Product Design, Cartoons & Photos (602): keywords to search for
[PiX; grafix; cartoon; photo] to find all pictures that require your production.
Follow my director's notes and the links to web pages for inspiration on doing your
own version.
The e-book has been designed to inspire you and your own creative projects, as well
as provide you with inspiration to produce mine. If you try to pass any material off as
your own, either in part or in whole, YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED TO HALF THE
EXTENT OF THE LAW, the other half coming from trained attack dogs who know
where you live and will TAKE YOU OUT, for dinner, at an all-you-can-eat restaurant for
attack dogs, where no doggie bags are allowed i.e. ©2007 by Peter Greenwall.
Check the next page for 16 reasons why you would want to do such a thing.
1) To promote yourself and your talent. (The site doubles as a free talent agency.)
2) To share profits or royalties of anything you design, manufacture, act in or sing.
3) Something in the e-book has inspired you to the point where you simply have to
create your own version and share it with the world – i.e.
To turn ideas into marketable movie clips, songs, pictures and products:
‘Having the vision’s no solution; everything depends on execution.’ - from Putting it
Together, by Stephen Sondheim
4) To be part of a documentary about the creative process that traces the origin of all
ideas right through to the final production – your take.
5) To audition for the stage show. This is not compulsory! If you don’t want to
audition, then just say so in your profile.
Further down the line, the same clip you just uploaded becomes eligible to be in:
6) ‘The Final Cut - What’s your take?’ – a TV competition for your interpretation of all
the sketches & songs from the book. A panel of movie experts will decide which of
you become TV stars.
7) ‘The Final Cut’ – the movie version with the winning clips re-shot on a professional
budget; i.e. your chance to be a movie star. Since the script contains the template for
the documentary, all examples and clips will update continually – this musical
documentary never ends!
8) To be in a series of John Cleese-style training videos on innovation.
9) The Logical Stupidity Award ceremony for excellence in timewasting.
(Because many of these clips and pics are destined to become e-mail forwards.)
10) To win Software and Hardware prizes that enable you to produce better artworks,
photo’s, movies or songs.
But wait, that's not all! You haven't spent any money yet! Here's your motivation for
spending £20 to sign up:
11) Free copy of the 727 page e-book with roughly 2500 briefs.
12) Full versions of 45 songs from the show.
13) Full versions of all backing tracks of the above songs so you can sing your own
version and upload it right here.
14) Full versions of movie clips from previous versions leading up to this version.
15) Access to the online clickumentary.
16) Access to an online seminar on innovation.
INSPIRED YET? UPLOAD YOUR VERSION!
So What Is It Exactly?
2) Innovation Training - a formula for creating original content with 217 inspiration
devices. [$$$: Workshops, seminars, DVD sales.]
5) Idea Factory - what’s your take on my idea? Sing, act, present, photograph,
design, build, take, make, share, adapt, finish – just make them yours by getting
yourself in the mix! Then split the royalties – see Terms & Conditions [$$$].
WEBSITE:
7) Talent show & audition site for the musical and movie documentary.
11) Advertising Agency [$$$] - the client’s brief goes out to all the ‘creatives’.
The agency runs on 3 principles:
1) Millions of heads are better than one tiny team.
2) Best idea wins: Everyone pitches and the client decides who gets the contract.
3) No portfolio, showreels or resume required – can you handle THIS job? (produx)
There are plenty of spaces reserved in all 5 formats for your product. [$$$]
Search for keywords [sponsor] [produx] [™ ] to find those products you wish to
sponsor or produce yourself. Bear in mind that the best ideas are in the commercial
e-book.
There are also product placement opportunities for those companies whose strategies,
slogans and products have been used as examples of a particular type of business
innovation. There are over 100 companies (listed at the back of the book) enjoying
free advertising in the e-book, but should they wish to keep these products in the
upgraded versions, stage show and innovation workshops, they may want to consider
sponsorship deals:
In exchange for product placement, sponsorship is needed for prizes for each
innovation category: best product, movie, cartoon, song production, vocalist, comedy
sketch, presenter link, etc.
Only once your guessedge is validated can it become knowledge, and there’s usually a
pay cheque involved. So how much are your opinions worth?
The script you’re given is hysterical or highly dramatic but you can’t act it out because
it would be frowned upon, too embarrassing, offensive, not PC or you’d get arrested or
killed. So what happens? All the really dramatic and funny thoughts get cut and all
the polite bullshit comes out instead.
So, what we’re going to do is get inside the editing room of your mind, find all the
scenes that you cut, and put them back together so you can write your best material.
As we examine 15 movies of my mind, you get to see how you would have directed
the same scenes.
Okay, one of the movies is a porno…
Turns out that the difference between humour and innovation is simply a matter of
functionality: does the joke product work? If it does, your punch line becomes a
product.
10 CLINTONIAN METAPHYSICS
IF YOU CAN’T CHANGE IT, REDEFINE IT TO SUIT YOURSELF
Clintonian Metaphysics is named after Bill Clinton who redefined the term ‘sexual
relations’. In his mind there was no sex – he had merely found an alternative use for
a cigar.
This is exactly how redefining reality leads to new inventions. So with this in mind,
we’re changing the world by redefining everything in it…
Just as laws (universal and man-made) need to upgrade to move with the times, so
too do your principles. But how does upgrading them lead to innovation?
In the battle between your principles and reality, something has to give: you’re either
going to have to upgrade your principles or redefine reality and change it. Either way,
innovation is involved.
Here are the 21 rules for rule breaking, or 21 ways to rise above the limitations of your
principles in order to innovate…
The method: PUT A LITTLE BLACK NOTE IN YOUR LIFE (see lyrics)
Changing your mind as often as global uncertainty dictates, has become the key to
effective leadership. Take the oath and you’ll be able to manipulate the facts to suit
your argument, and when you realise you’re wrong, change your argument to suit the
facts.
As a consumer of news you’ll learn how to read between the lines of news and
marketing spin.
As a news editor, journalist or author, the Hippocritic Oath allows you to lie or tell the
truth, whichever is more interesting, as long as you promise:
Editorial licence is granted under the following terms & conditions of the contract:
I, the consumer of news and entertainment media, give you, the author, permission to
simplify events of the world to make it easier for me to understand. By ‘simplify’ I
mean:
PARAFRAZING = R&D = The art of Rehashing & Disguising other people’s ideas in
order to find your voice – e.g. Frankenstein turns into Dracula, then Wolfman Jack,
Michael Jackson followed by Adams Family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Marilyn Manson
and eventually Sponge Bob Square Pants.
Parafrazing is based on
1) EVOLUTION
We need to steal ideas in the same way that they need to be protected.
In nature, this battle for survival is called evolution. In business it’s called innovation.
Either way you’re involved, so you may as well learn the process.
1) Cut 'n' Paste words from your target influences onto cards.
2) Shuffle and throw the cards, read them as they lie and
lie about them as you read.
Examples:
Coffee shop: HooterBucks – ‘hot chicks hot coffee’ / ‘try our Sluttes’.
Fitness program: Yogalingus – a workout for your mind, body and sexlife.
Movie: Pots & Pans – the magical (gay) kitchen adventures of Harry Pan
& Peter Potter.
WORLD EXCLUSIVE BIG REVEAL: The 6 stages of the cycle of innovation and how
solutions can be found in unlikely places – demonstrated by the invention of 18 new
products.
1) The Name: why add value when all you need is an adjective?
2) Fashion: if you can’t change the way you look, turn it into a fashion.
3) Price Tag: you can’t polish a turd, but you can put a price tag on it.
4) Soundtrack: don’t say it; sing it – bitch about it to the beat.
5) Tone of Voice: how to turn anything into news, by using DRAMA IN YOUR VOICE.
6) Technology: the cooler the gadget the less you care about the content.
Most sounds we hear are heard out of context – we don’t see exactly what’s causing
the sound, and as a result we have to fill in the gaps and guess what the sound could
be – e.g. if you hear a bang outside, it could be a gunshot, exhaust backfire or
fireworks. This is how sounds become audio triggers that connect you to past and
future events.
REVEALED: How visual and audio triggers create gapcidents – happy accidents where
logic collides with stupidity to create new ideas.
In order to turn global problems into political and marketing opportunities you need
the right attitude.
Ignorance is not acceptable, apathy is expected, but acting as if you care is essential,
which is why you need to learn the art of CAREOGRAPHY – choreographed caring,
where you’ll learn to:
How to pull this off? THE 10 STRATEGIES OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PR & SPIN:
The physical world has scientific measuring devices, business climate is measured by
market indices, but how do we measure mood? That’s where art comes in – just as
we have the colour spectrum or the sound frequency spectrum, so too do we have the
human emotion spectrum, or moodometer. Zoomed all the way out, it’s just as vague
as hot, mild and cold – i.e. Woohoo!! ☺ Whatever & FU!!
But by getting inside the meshugganah middle and measuring the spaces between
your thoughts, you create more detailed awareness pixels, and the more you have, the
better the quality of your life. How so? Each pixel of emotion you identify translates
into a line of conversation, a line for a song or a script, a business plan, a joke, a
comedy sketch, a brush stroke on a painting or a feature on a piece of software or a
sports car.
This is why R&D therapy doesn’t try to fix your dysfunctions, because they’re not
supposed to be fixed. This is nature’s way of creating the luniverse. How do we know
this? Well who do you know that isn’t just a little bit whacked out in some way?
We’re all fluffed in the head but not in the same way: The slight difference is known as
your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.
The objective of R&D therapy is to find your STUBID and make it work for you.
Did you ever wonder why exactly the same amount of news happens every day
regardless of what happens in the world?
That’s because the news is a business, where reporters have to be fed and where
column space and program slots have to be filled. This is why you’ll never see a news
headline of NOTHING MUCH HAPPENED TODAY, because if nothing serious happens,
there are always backup headlines to run, like ‘Gordon Brown & Tony Blair to remain
friends’ or ‘Posh goes shopping with Katie’.
Newsflash: you’re also in the news business. What’s going on with you is just as
important or as trivial as world headlines. To practice 'thought accountancy' you need
to become the editor for ‘My Life’, a news program broadcast on PNN, your Personal
News Network. At the end of every day you need to present a 10-minute highlights
presentation of your news. So what’s going on with you?
REVEALED: The creative and destructive effects of misinterpreation and the 12 factors
causing it.
The thoughtmosphere works just like the virtual world of hyperlinks – you’re always
only one letter or sound away from a foreign destination that could be way more
exciting than the intended one. By allowing yourself to roll with the accident, you’re
likely to discover gapcidents like factasy, spontenudity, hysterical accuracy and various
other comical reactions.
This is the upside of being a little bit stupid and a bad listener – you never have to try
to screw things up – it happens automatically. Especially if you, like me, have
punlexia, an auditory processing disorder where your brain searches for every possible
alternative meaning to the intended one.
So how do you cure it? You don’t. Just like many other anxieties, neuroses, phobias,
dysfunctions and disorders, there are no cures, and even if there were you wouldn’t
want them because this is what makes you uniquely creative and fascinating.
When it comes to playing with words you’re a phonetic, so follow the songs and
sounds wherever they take you. When your punlexia impairs your ability to focus,
then follow the spontenudity.
This is a permanent fatal error. May the grim rapper take you on a wild inventure to
find your ERRORGENIUS ZONE.
You need R&D therapy to UNLEASH YOUR POW: The Power Of Whatever
STUBIDs are evident at an early age but usually get diagnosed as ‘antisocial behaviour’
and snuffed out by Ritalin before they’ve had a chance to be discovered and
unleashed.
This is a great pity because all kinds of lucrative careers are being snuffed out before
they’ve had a chance to get going – e.g. a pathological liar, with a little nurturing could
make a brilliant lawyer. Kids who play with guns and fail their music exams could be
rappers. Destructive kids who break other kids' toys and then give out advice on how
to fix them could be management consultants. Those who love the sound of their own
voice but don’t have much to say could be radio DJ’s. Hopelessly deluded kids could
have been speech writers for Blair, or if the delusion was more serious, for Bush.
So where did your nutcase go and how can we get it back? This is what R&D therapy
is concerned with: what’s your basic malfunction and how can you use it? How is it
that only kids and old people can say whatever they like? Well now you can too!
We’re going to examine 5 methods to get your whacky back:
Step 3: Insist on specific examples and actually listen this time. Don’t try to think of
anything to say; you need to focus all your attention on just listening, which will take
every bit of concentration you have. If you have trouble listening or remembering the
exact lines she uses, then use a Dictaphone, but don’t get caught.
Step 4: At another time and place (so that you’re calmer and can think rationally)
examine all requests and complaints, taking particular note of the knowledge vacuum
between both extremes. You will now find yourself in the interpreation zone, the
Centre Of Confusion inside a Unique Problem (the COC-UP), deep inside the paradox,
which is why it’s called the meshugganah middle.
This is where you find pure inspiration as you begin to piece all the nonsense together
– e.g. how come she’s instantly reminded of everything she needs to tell me only
when I turn on the TV?
How is it that she can handle the bikini wax, the boob job, nose job, tummy tuck,
colonic irrigation, botox, pierced tongue, nipples & clit and yet she’s not prepared to
take it up the ass because it hurts?
What’s up with that? I’ll tell you: OOPS – Observation Of Pure Stupidity, or the Origin
Of Planets & Stars.
I have no idea who started circulating that text but I do know that it comes from the
very centre of the paradox, the source of all life, the catalyst of all creation – that
which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R – The ANSWER to everything!
There’s no need for intergalactic space travel to solve the mysteries of the universe
when you can find the same mysteries deep inside the meshugganah middle. All you
have to do is ask the right questions and set your answers to dialogue and music.
Which is what we’re going to do with various stages of the relationship…
And how you can do the same. (Download the whole chapter here free!)
SPARX 1
We’re going to look at everything that needs to be screwed, in order to do what you
need to do.
What, to you, makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R? Whatever it is, give it a name:
> Okay, how come I don’t fall off the planet?
Gravity. Isaac Newton has already labelled that mystery so it’s not mysterious
anymore. Choose another one:
> Okay – who or what is providing the stimulus for the creation of everything?
That would be ‘God’ – labelled and defined differently by various authors.
> Why does my penis shrivel up when it gets cold?
That’s shrinkage by Jerry Seinfeld.
> Why do I feel depressed?
That’s depression. It will do that to you.
> Why do I feel that the only way out of it is to chase younger women, when I’m
reasonably happily married?
That’s called a mid-life crisis.
> So how can we make it cool to grow old in a youth-obsessed society?
40 is the new 20.
> Why am I thoroughly bored at work?
That’s boreout, discovered and tagged by Peter Werder. And this is what innovation is
all about – discovering something that was always there and giving it a name. Is any
of this helping you? Do you feel better knowing that you’re not alone with your
problems?
> Actually, yes I do. Thank you. How does that work? New mystery: how does
labelling your confusion make it feel better?
That’s called mystonomy, the taxonomy of mysteries – i.e. the science of identifying,
classifying and labelling confusion to make it feel normal. How does it work? By
creating awareness: once you’ve got a name it becomes easier to manage because
that’s the only way others have a chance to identify with the same experience.
Once you create a group of sufferers all bitching about the same thing, you’ve got
safety in numbers, which leads to an exponential catch-on because there’s no better
way to deal with misery than spreading it around a bit.
Did you know about mystonomy? How could you, when I made it all up? It’s all
guessedge! But if you believed me then it’s knowledge. This is how the system works
– so that’s the game we’re playing here. Go ahead – ask me anything! Then see if
you can figure out whether my answer is guessedge or common knowledge that’s just
not common to you. Why don’t you try a personal mystery? Give me a problem that
you think is unique to you:
> Okay, how’s this one: a friend of mine just made a move on this girl I was thinking
about asking out, and now they’re together. He knew I was interested! What do you
call that?
Dude, you were gazumped by a better offer! That’s girlfriend gazumping. Happens
often, especially in property, which is where the name comes from. Why would you
think that problem is unique to you?
Maybe not to you, but it’s a universal problem that’s just never been named. You just
tapped into a unipersonal problem – unique and universal at exactly the same time,
also known as a CEWTBL (pronounced ‘suitable’): Common Experience Waiting To Be
Labelled. Those are the kind you’re looking for but you’ll never know if they’re
common to anyone else unless you name them! If you want to break through the
knowledge barrier and take ownership of the unknown, you’ve got to name it.
So what else is bugging you, my metaphysical friend from my internal dialogue?
> Why can’t they make better-looking hybrid cars? Why do we have to drive
shoeboxes to fight the climate crisis? What if we had hybrid sports cars? Wouldn’t
more people be encouraged to drive them and isn’t that a solution to global warming?
YES! But you’re too late – we already have them. There’s the Tesla Roadster, The
Velozzi and The Batterari. But you’re asking the right questions. These are the same
questions that would have led to the creation of these cars.
Innovation begins by noticing new mysteries and then giving them names. By making
up your own answers you turn questions into statements and bring new things into
existence. So now all you need to do to turn your guessedge into knowledge is to go
ahead and actually make a Batterari because it doesn’t exist yet! The other two cars
exist but The Batterari is all yours.
Song: this is where you need to elaborate; it doesn’t have to be an actual song. So
here’s the deal:
X! involves jumping on assumptions based on very little evidence and riding them
all the way, gathering more evidence as you go. Once you’ve dreamed up a
name, nature works in mysterious ways – as you start fabricating a story to
explain your name, the evidence magically presents itself, to the point where the
name brings the product into existence:
PiX/grafix: X! logo to be designed, something that involves a ‘?’ turns into a ‘!’ ,
like a @
Try it as a flash animation.
Song: elaborate, by saying why your battery / hybrid sports car is different. Start by
jumping on an assumption based on what little evidence you have, and then ride it as
far as it will go:
Since you can’t drive above 30 MPH in most cities and this is a city car, we clearly
don’t need to worry about speed and power. What we need is an ego-friendly car that
still captures all the feelings of a sports car when you drive one – i.e. you want an
attention-seeking device. You want the noise, the vroom, the compensation for the
small penis. It all has to be there.
So how do we do that? The Batterari has massive base bin speakers under the
bonnet, connected to the accelerator, so the car still screams ‘look at me’ with every
rev. There’s just no carbon emission. Win-win. [produx/climate crisis Pix/grafix]
Now what about the picture story product business plan advert market?
That’s where you come in. Design it, upload it, let’s see it! That’s what the website is
for – to design all 1878 ideas into existence.
Okay so we’ve established that the creative process starts with the discovery of a
mystery or OOPS. Luckily we have an infinite supply – as much as we know, there’s
infinitely more that we don’t, and trying to find out what we don’t know is the essence
of innovation. How so? Because what we don’t know we can invent, and that’s what
this book is about.
For example, any questions you have about dinosaurs should end in answers like Dino,
Roboraptor, Barney or Jackoffasaurus, the lesser-known species. They were big, loud,
annoying and lived in Memphis, where they went on sitcoms and game shows. They
became extinct by moving to France. And that's the story of the Jackoffasaurus
according to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of South Park.
How did they do it? No matter how many answers there might be to a mystery,
there’s always one more you can add to the mix – yours. Your mystery may be
common knowledge to others but not to you, so what you’re labelling is your own
stupidity, or OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity.
That, in a nutshell, is the creative process. Selling happens when your particular brand
of stupidity taps into the stupidity of others, which is when it becomes logical:
What was the deal with Jesus? Who killed him and why? Mel Gibson’s ANSWER turns
into The Passion of The Christ. And what if Jesus had a daughter whose bloodline
survived in Europe? Now there’s a genius assumption based on a hairline of evidence.
That answer turns into The Da Vinci Code and this time the logic is supplied courtesy
of Dan Brown. South Park had Jesus and Santa battling it out for control of the
holiday while The Simpsons told it their way. Monty Python set the record straight
with Life of Brian. Even The Bible jumped in with yet another version of what really
happened.
So who’s right? Who’s telling the truth? Who cares! The answers are interesting so
we buy them. The less we know about the subject, the easier it is to fabricate a
plausible and highly commercial answer:
What do we know about dragons & pixies? Not much. Perfect – that can be turned
into Lord of the Rings. What don’t we know about wizards and witches? Enough to
Fill In the Blanks with Harry Potter. The mystery of the Ice Age is at least two
animated movies worth, and solving the Alien mystery turns into ET and X-files.
Do you see what’s going on here? They’re all coming up with their own logical
ANSWERS: Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R – which is why it’s logical – NOW SING!
So what’s confusing you, and more importantly – can you come up with your own
answers?
• How is it that men are so different from women? That turns into ‘Men are from
Mars’ by John Gray.
• Why would women even need men if they have a Rabbit? That becomes an
episode of Sex in the City.
• What makes women happy? That’s an article in The Sunday Times magazine.
So far we’ve seen where disorders, articles, books, TV shows and movies come from.
What about songs? How have songwriters been using existential innovation as a
songwriting tool?
Notice how you don’t even need to come up with answers if your questions are
rhetorical enough. There’s no resolution – they just set their confusion to music, and
you could do the same over your chosen medium, which could take the form of a
product or service. How do you turn mysteries into products and then sell them? This
is the job of marketing – to make you aware of mysteries, thereby creating massive
problems that only you can solve:
Do you have any idea how many things can go wrong with your health, family, house,
car, pet or holiday? Are you covered for bird flu? Monkey pox? What if a robber
shows up in your garden? Here’s how we can stop the worry… introducing [your
insurance product].
Did you know that your area is a high-risk postcode for identity theft?
Here’s how we can solve that one…
Do you know that if the pipe carrying water into your house bursts, you’re responsible?
And did you know that it’s happened to 1.5 million homes? That’s right – there is
something to worry about – but for £16 a year you can go back to the blissful state of
ignorance you were in before we told you this.
Do you know how many germs are on your cutting board or toilet seat?
‘GermBgone’ can solve that problem. [produx]
Do you know that the blue fluff you find in your navel causes flatulence?
Get rid of it with FLUFF-OFF. [produx]
Do you know how much rat poo is on your can of beer? Of course not! How could
you, if we never told you? That’s why all our beer cans are now rat-poo free.
Do you know how many babies it takes to produce one bottle of baby oil?
Introducing Baby Oil Zero – ‘no babies used in our products’. [produx]
So what new, logically stupid mystery are you unleashing on the world?
Why?
They’re hot, they’re wet, they’re semi-naked…give it up for the Showeroke girls!
Why must they only do Karaoke songs? What if they sing originals as well?
Okay, so where are they? Innovations don’t only have to be new, original and useful,
they also have to exist – they can’t just be ideas.
If unexplainable things start happening around you, like burning bushes, plagues or
climate change and there’s no CNN around with ‘distinctive journalism to bring clarity
to confusion’, then somebody needs to start coming up with answers fast. This is
when the first leaders appeared to explain all mysteries.
They knew how to take advantage of the demand for explanations where there was
nothing but confusion. The leading thinkers would get together for a game of
Balderdash, and the one who could come up with the most Believable Story (BS)
would be voted in as the leader.
In this BS would be written a set of guiding principles to live by.
Nothing has changed. To this day the world is still run by IDIOTS: Institutions for
Decisions Involving Organization & Temporary Solutions.
Leadership, whether it’s from the field of business, politics, psychology, journalism or
scriptwriting is still about being able to fill in the gaps between missing information.
Really good leaders have always been elected and rewarded because of their ability to
create and sell Believable Stories, Best Sellers, Belief Systems, Better Solutions,
Business Strategies and various other Bum Sucks collectively known as BS.
When their stories are no longer believable – i.e. when it becomes obvious that
delusion has set in – they get voted out to make way for a new set of delusions, or
Better Suggestions…
Consumerism came to the rescue to offer Better Suggestions for living, like ‘go
shopping’, the sacred text coming from The Argos Catalogue. With over 2400
products to choose from this really was created by divine inspiration – the major
difference being that everything you read was true, provided it was in stock. And to
make sure it stayed true, it would be updated on a regular basis, to move with the
times. The scriptures couldn’t compete with this kind of flexibility.
Indeed ‘go shopping’ (the message to the American public directly after 9/11) would
provide the solution to all kinds of world problems, mostly because it filled the spiritual
gap previously filled by religion: the sensation of feeling more alive really did come
from a new car or a new pair of shoes.
Attending the synagogue of Sex and the City and listening to the powerful sermons
from Carrie Bradshaw and her disciples really did move you deeply in your soul.
But consumerism needed to go further than just spiritual upliftment. It also needed to
deal with the guilt of being privileged in a world so full of poverty. How could it be
okay to complain that your seared tuna steak was overdone when everyone’s starving
in Africa? Something also needed to be done about the guilt. While religion offered
the pray-as-you-go system to hit the altruistic spot, consumerism came up with the
pay-as-you-go system. The campaign was simple:
Throw money at the problem and you could make it go away and clear your
conscience at the same time. All thanks to the introduction of Carbon Offset or
ASOWL tax – Altruistic Sense Of Wellbeing & Love TAX.
Global warming? No problem – throw some tax at the problem and your conscience is
clear. With ASOWL tax you no longer have to feel guilty about how much CO2 is
coming from the exhaust pipe of your 4x4 or 747, not when you’re paying for other
people to take care of the problem.
Not that anyone can, but when you’re at an awareness-raising rock concert at
Wembley, it really does feel like you’re making a difference. In fact, the ASOWL tax
system is the solution to all global problems…
1. Think fast
• Why we’re like ants – we’re building some kind of anthill like we know what we
need without a clue as to what we’re building.
• What’s your idiot savant index? Geniuses and idiot savants have access to
private information that makes them do certain things brilliantly and other things
idiotically. So do the rest of us! We’re all special cases.
What kind of exclusive information do you have access to and how can you use it?
Your wantasee is your own collection of ideas based entirely on the way you want to
see things. It’s pre-programmed by your D 'n' A – Dreams 'n' Aspirations, which
come from your ancient past.
When your D 'n' A doesn’t happen for various reasons beyond your control, you
become stressed out, causing ART – Automatic Radical Thoughts, which are
DANGEROUS: Depressing Angry Non-Generic Exclusive Risky Outrageous Unique
Sad.
The negative thoughts working against your positive D 'n' A creates a volatile fuel,
essential for innovation. The battle between these two forces is what your internal
struggle is all about, and the only way to deal with it is to follow your wantasee:
But what’s different about the thoughtmosphere is that it’s multidimensional – at any
point you’re free to hop on your own train of thought to take you to a place nobody’s
ever been before – your wantasee, the way you want to see things. These are the
trains that lead to innovation…
A wantasee is your own train of thought, but no matter how original it is, it has to
come from another train travelling on a circular line of thought, called a SCLITMOH:
Sources Conveniently Lost In The Mist Of History…
These are the arguments and assumptions learned by OSKNOWSIS that are so old it’s
impossible to trace the source. They’re not good, bad, right or wrong. They’re simply
‘common thread’ arguments that connect minds through ‘common knowledge’.
Just like the circular train lines (or the North Circular / M25) they carry passengers in
opposite directions and nobody travels for more than a half circle before exiting for
their destination, unless they don’t know how the system works, in which case they’ll
go around in circles forever.
In the thoughtmosphere you can’t stay on them for too long because they spiral to
nowhere (even eternal bliss will get boring after a while), which means they’re only
useful for transport to wantasee or for ‘finding yourself’ trains of thought that take you
to ‘innovation’ destinations.
Opposite direction circular arguments connect everyone, which is why they make up
the basic plots of horoscopes, movies, advertising campaigns, self-help books,
conference titles or advice in general:
Grow up and get real Discover the child within
Settle down Live it up
Save & invest Live like there’s no tomorrow
Balance / moderation is the key to life Live fast, die young
Just do it Just get someone else to do it / Delegate!
It’s your fault It’s not your fault
You’re a worthless piece of crap in the cosmos You’re the centre of the universe
Ignorance is bliss Information is everything
Go with the flow Stand up for what you believe
Think inside the paradox Think outside the box
Be yourself Be somebody else
That’s just the way it is It doesn’t have to be this way
Good things come to those who wait Get what you want NOW! But you gotta
want it!
You can’t control the past or future It’s not about NOW – it’s about the future!
so live for NOW
These are just some of the circular arguments you would have to use as transport to
your exit that leads to a destination of your choice.
5. Mental GPS –
Follow Your Fascination
Mental GPS works by following your fascination. Learn to use it and you’ll get swept
away on a current of creativity.
To break through knowledge barriers, it’s vital that we send reconnaissance parties of
travel writers into dangerous unknown metaphysical territory to gather vital combat
intelligence. For those interested, I’ve organised such a party and if you’re brave and
stupid enough you’re welcome to come along.
If not then skip to the next chapter and wait for the rest of us there.
If you’re insane enough to follow me on this inventure, then go back and read the
warning on Page 12 and let's go:
‘If you're the only guy out there doing something, everybody questions your sanity’
- Paul Moller, who’s still trying to invent the VTOL personal sky car after 40 years.
This is the kind of ‘insanity’ I’m talking about. The kind caused by obsessive passion-
following. The kind that Steve Jobs spoke about at the D5 conference with Bill Gates
(31/5/07):
‘What we do is so hard that any rational person would give up. Those who are
successful love what they did so they persevered. The ones who didn’t love it quit
because they’re sane. Who would want to put up with this stuff if you don’t love it?’
D1: I was just going to say that we don’t care what you write
about because, either way, we’re going to be involved. You’re
nothing without us, which is why we want commission.
ME: Commission? What are we talking here?
D3: 20%.
ME: Fuck that! No personality disorder ever got 20%. The
standard is 10.
Now see, that back and forth with my dysfunctions you just witnessed didn’t just
happen overnight.
It took years to figure out how to use my internal dialogue as a stimulus for creation,
and now you can do it too.
Every time you hear yourself saying something like ‘this is doing my head in’ or ‘I can’t
cope’, ‘I’m heading for a breakdown’, etc., is really a time you should be saying ‘we
need to talk’, which is when you have it out with your ‘people’, and then transcribe it
like I just did.
The internal dialogue is the source of all questions, like: are these voices you just
heard normal or are they the ones that make you certifiable? How different are they
to the ones that give instructions to humans to kill their fellow humans, or to create
religions and scientific discoveries?
If shrinks were around to send the first inventors to loony bins, would we have missed
out on religion, science, philosophy, feng shui, tennis, television, kitchen tiles and all
other man-made wonders of the world?
I feel a movie coming on, triggered by the following contradiction: if anybody today
claims they’re being spoken to by God, they’d be considered to have serious
psychological problems, so how did Moses & Co get away with it? What’s the
difference between now and then?
Why can’t I claim that my book of creation was inspired by the word of God? Why is
nobody updating the Bible with more additional words from God? Why has the cat got
God’s tongue all of a sudden? Or is He talking to many, but nobody’s brave enough to
admit it?
This is where R&D therapy comes in to help – you get to answer all your rhetorical
questions yourself by setting your confusion to music, products and movies. So
where’s the movie in this misalignment? Here it is…
The scene - God has recently completed the universe, seen that
‘it was good’, mostly, except for one colossal error: He forgot
to install a belief system in mankind that would maintain peace
and harmony between all His creations. Figuring the best way
to install the belief system would be by word of mouth, he
opens a dialogue with a few chosen prophets to see who could be
trusted to spread His word around. After an intensive
interviewing process involving IQ tests and the ability to
slaughter animals, the selection is narrowed down to a final
cut of 12. One of the prophets, Moses, is not happy with what
he’s been asked to do, and seeks professional help to deal with
his issues with God. This is where we pick up the action:
NOTES: Be very careful which questions you choose and how you
frame them.
In the interest of global safety and security, prophet Mohammed
is off limits for this project. Also note that you’ll be
slightly safer questioning your own Belief System than the BS
of others, but not by much.
Always bear in mind that it’s a fine line between curiosity,
comedy and blasphemy. Think Bruce & Evan Almighty, South Park,
Simpsons, Life of Brian or any of your favourite authors who
have put religion on trial without a Salmon Rushdie ordeal.
We’re all dying to see your take. Remember that your ‘fiction’
disclaimer will protect you! Now get creative and upload your
version.
6. Guessedge –
Knowledge In Progress
How the universe runs on subjectivity - i.e. your personal BIAS: Belief In A Solution.
Why do we bother to make or say anything at all?
Where does the desire of self-expression come from?
All can be explained by way of the three desires of guessedge or self-expression:
Only once your guessedge is validated, can it become knowledge, and there’s usually a
pay cheque involved. So how much are your opinions worth?
The only way to turn guessedge into knowledge is to throw it up and watch it fly:
The script you’re given is hysterical or highly dramatic but you can’t act it out because
it would be frowned upon, too embarrassing, offensive, not PC or you’d get arrested or
killed.
So what happens? All the really dramatic and funny thoughts get cut and all the polite
bullshit comes out instead.
So, what we’re going to do is get inside the editing room of your mind, find all the
scenes that you cut, and put them put them back together so you can write your best
material.
MMovies
3) Life-threatening situations: The DuMBLBIT Dilemma:
‘Does My Bum Look Big In This?’ The solution
MMovies dilog
8) Unzip Me – The porno movie of her mind (for female directors)
SO UNZIP ME BABY
SET ME FREE
LET ME SHOW YOU ROUND MY BODY
YOU’RE GOING DOWN
YOU’RE GOING DOWN ON ME X2
MMovies viz
9) The wave and run – how to avoid stop & chats
And just like that, you’ve created the parody title of a new
movie. All because you unloaded your ART instead of
suppressing it all with: ‘I’m good thanks’.
The movie of your mind started in drama and ended in a real
movie; a comedy based on the universal theme of grandmothers
who create havoc in families when they come to stay.
MoviePitch: Granny you killed the kids.
MMovies 8shtix
12) Winning the lottery (in your mind)
8Shtix
14) Laughter – the cause of The Big Bang
SPARX 13: MONITOR KEY MOMENTS OF LAUGHTER
8Shtix Just4Jews
15) The Day of Atonement – more evidence that stupidity is beyond our control
Just because we seem to be able to direct the movie of our
mind, doesn’t mean we’re any good at it.
We still make huge embarrassing mistakes that will have to be
accounted and apologised for at some point. In fact,
stupidity is so out of control that all religions have a way
of dealing with it: everything can be rectified by confession
and asking for forgiveness, i.e. atonement.
RELEASING THE MOVIE OF YOUR MIND: your disclaimer will set you free
THE ARTIST & BUSINESS DISCLAIMER – The lie that protects you
The formal version of ‘relax, I’m just kidding with you’ is called ‘the artist disclaimer’.
You see it at the end of movies or sitcoms and usually it goes something like this: ‘any
correlation between this movie and reality is purely coincidental’.
This lie has been designed to protect the artist, who can now expose the truth through
the genre of ‘fiction’ simply by giving fictional names to real characters from the artist’s
life.
Examples:
Disclaimer: Scott Adams has no connection to the character of Dilbert. That boss was
never his and what’s more, he’s never met any of those colleagues before.
LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE
Disclaimer: The fictional characters in the Simpsons do not represent the stereotype of
every group or culture in America or the rest of the world. We have no idea why
multiple layers of humour translate into every culture across the globe. It’s just a
cartoon, okay? LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE
Disclaimer: Zapiro’s cartoons are not related to real events in South Africa.
LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE
Disclaimer: ‘Logical Stupidity’ is a fictitious comedy musical. Anything that turns out to
be true is purely coincidental. LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE
The artist disclaimer is therefore a very important lie, since it allows you to tell the
truth. This logically stupid device is the ultimate way to expose contradictions, see the
funny side of everything, destroy all cultural barriers and expose all kinds of stupidity
in yourself and others. What kind of stupidity? Xenophobia, homophobia, sexism,
racism, whateverism within your belief system or others. If you’re a comic genius like
Sacha Baron Cohen you can do it all in 3 characters:
Borat, Ali G & Bruno.
The artist disclaimer is also the most effective way to release your alter ego or sub
personality. You do it naturally every time you role-play, speak in a strange voice or
put on a foreign accent. But if you want to become a professional bullshitter you’re
going to need to define your characters. That means you’re going to need an Ali G,
Vicky Pollard, Lou & Andy, the boss from ‘The Office’ or a ‘Dilbert’ to express your
frustrations at work. But these are all taken, so make up your own!
You could start by calling your character 'M. Barass'. Now every time you do, say or
see something embarrassing, write it down and let M. Barras say it for you, so you
don’t have to embarrass yourself.
Whatever character you choose, your disclaimer will always protect you!
(terms & conditions apply)
The business disclaimer comes in the form of Terms & Conditions (T&C) and has a
dual purpose:
2) To give your customers ideas they would never have thought of had they not read
your disclaimer or warning. For example:
The use of Yahoo groups to trade naked pictures of yourself or your ex-
girlfriend is strictly forbidden. You may also not use a webcam to show your
willy to anyone.
Knowing that your disclaimer will always protect you, gives you the freedom to sing:
Before we get going on how to get good at guessing, be aware that you’re doing it
already – every time you’re forced to make sense of something that doesn’t make
sense. For example:
You’re trying to follow directions but you can’t read your writing, or there’s traffic.
You’re trying to follow a recipe but you don’t have all the ingredients.
You’re doing paint-by-numbers but you don’t have all the colours.
You’re trying to assemble an Ikea flat-pack, but you’re having trouble, because:
• You have a few mysterious parts or missing parts or you’ve already used the
parts for something else.
• The manual is just not right.
• You’re just a little bit stupid.
With all situations like this, you’re going to have to go with an informed guess. You
can never learn from mistakes, because each mistake you make is unique.
When you can’t phone a friend and you can’t look it up on Google, you’re forced to use
guessedge.
Now that you know you’re doing it already, here are 4 warm up exercises to prepare
for the ProBull League: Professional Bullshitting League, otherwise known as
PIFYAFFING: Pulling Ideas From Your Aspirations For FINancial Gain.
Then read the inscription or take the tour and compare your
answers. If yours are way more interesting, then well done -
that’s good guessedge! If you feel confident you could pull
it off in front of people without cracking yourself up, then
you’ve just created a job for yourself as a tour guide of any
art gallery. To build up your confidence, start practising on
American tourists, then move on to little children, then
Japanese tourists, and eventually work your way up to the
European and English, but try to avoid groups of art students.
MMovies 8shtix
SPARX 18: PLAY ‘FOUND IN TRANSLATION’
Get yourself into an interpreting situation. For example:
Just do it!
Turns out Forest Gump was right about life being like a box of
chocolates, but for the wrong reason: you do know, more or
less, what you’re going to get if you just read the menu under
the lid of the box where each chocolate is explained in great
detail. That menu is called ‘hindsight’.
Before asking the question, tell the camera what you think the
answer is likely to be - e.g. for the gay question: ‘well we
need to bring in the authorities; we have to talk to the
rabbi’, and for the operation question the answer is likely to
be: ‘if I had listened to doctors I would have had a hundred
operations by now. What you need is to take glucosamine
sulphate tablets for your joints and not play so much tennis.
You’re not 20 anymore. Take it easier’.
Once you start getting the easy ones right, you’re ready to move
on to people you don’t know that well, but choose slightly more
appropriate questions. Keep monitoring predictions vs. outcomes
and eventually you’ll figure out your opponent’s argument before
they do.
Right then, we’re ready to start observing new things into existence.
8. Observational Innovation –
Turning Jokes into Products
With observational humour, the comedy comes from reflecting reality – e.g. have you
tried dating online? Ever notice how all 3 pictures of your fantasy partner look nothing
like the one you meet? That’s your OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity – i.e. you’re
reflecting reality.
With innovation you go one step further and change reality by doing something about
your observation – you invent a product that solves the problem. Introducing: -
FF is the essential software for all dating sites. It works out the average of all
photos and then adds on 5 years to give a forecast photo of what you can expect.
Works with up to 93% accuracy, but that increases to 98% accuracy if mother and
father-in-law photos are supplied.
Prediction photos can be produced for any point in time and it has ‘reality’ and
‘fantasy’ features.
It can also predict what your children will look like, with up to 94.6% accuracy.
Check this out:
1PiX: Merging of any two photos to give a predicted photo of what offspring will
look like.
How does it work? Same as age progression software used to find missing children
and fugitives – i.e. it’s the same software used for a different purpose with a few
additional features.
Observational humour:
Ever notice how many people spit and blow their noses in the
streets? It’s disgusting!
It’s become impossible to walk in the streets of London and not
notice it.
You gotta keep ducking so you don’t get hit.
The boomerang: comes back and hits you in the face; common with
cyclists.
MMovies 8shtix
BIKINICAINE™ novacaine for painless waxing produx/beauty
Observational humour:
Ever notice how your partner complains how painful bikini
waxing is? Ever wonder if that pain is proportional to the
pain of her monthly maintenance bill?
You know there’s a better joke in there somewhere, but for now
it doesn’t matter; you’ve isolated the problem: bikini waxing
is painful. This causes a metalogue or OOPS, like:
Why can’t they just rub something on the bikini zone to make
it less painful? Now where you have seen that done before?
EOX! Dental & blood test injections!
[ÊPiX: Pic of cream being rubbed on injection zones for blood
test]
EOX! Apply the same anaesthetic creams for painless waxing!
Now play with the words - novacaine, anaesthetic, bikini, wax,
Brazilian, and you’ll get to WaxiThetic, BraziliaNova,
WaxiNova, NovaWax, Novakini, WaxiCaine, BikiniCaine.
Innovation: BikiniCaine - novacaine for painless waxing
Turns out that the difference between humour and innovation is simply a matter of
functionality: Does the joke product work? Turn BikiniCaine into a real solution and
humour turns to innovation.
And if it doesn’t lead to a direct solution, it could easily lead to you seeing your ASS -
Accidental Spin-off Solution. Let me explain this another way:
MMovies 8shtix
MexiCaine™ – because hot food should only hurt once
Æprodux/food&drug - relief in the loo after eating hot food.
And just like that, you’ve discovered a new star that could only be seen by taking
public transport to the star of BikiniCaine. That was me driving the SPQV. Now let's
hop on the bus driven by Larry David. (Buy the book, you cheap bastard, and I’ll tell
you about it!)
So we know we’re onto something here. Now all that’s left is to:
CONNECT: All your experiences to Dr Phil’s idea to create your own song.
This chapter contains instructions for using your SPQV – Self Propelled Question
Vehicle – essential for navigating through nonsense.
With your SPQV you can break through the knowledge barrier to reach a point where
nobody knows better than you. This is where you’re free to start making up new
theories that bring new products into existence. This chapter deals with the process of
asking THE PERFECT QUESTION, and the signs of knowing when you’ve asked it:
The top ten ways of knowing you’ve asked the perfect question:
So let’s look at 5 offensive trends and how the government might introduce new laws
to control them:
1. Cellphone Rage
8ShtiX / MMovies viz
Other people’s cellphone conversations are becoming more offensive than second
hand smoke – e.g. ‘I’m on the train. WHAT? Yeah, I’m on the train. WHAT? SPEAK
LOUDER, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’M ON THE TRAIN.’
And if you think that’s annoying, it’s about to get a whole lot worse, now that you’re
going to be able to use your mobile on planes: ‘I’M ON THE PLANE! WHAT? I’M ON
THE PLANE!’
For help with the choreography of your dance you may want to
refer to one of the dances from ‘evolution of dance’ on youtube.
Great going, Judson Laipply!
You were part of the inspiration behind this new proposed
legislation.
2. Technology Incompetence
The technology impaired who can’t use an ATM, change their ringtone, send a text
message or e-mail will eventually become such a burden on society that something will
need to be done – (new rule proposed) .
5. FFAF CULTURE
FFAFS are celebs who are Famous For Absolutely F@£$ ALL.
The only thing sadder is a Wannabe FFAF – kids who don’t see the point of living
unless they can be famous. This is serious! A 2-part government sponsored campaign
is required:
1) ‘Stop encouraging kids who clearly have no talent’ – TV ad (see script for details).
2) FTV – Flopstar TV is a dedicated TV channel showing what life is like for the 99%
of bands and solo artists who don’t make it – e.g.
Presenter: ‘You’re tuned to FTV all day – non-stop videos of no-hit wonders from the
99.6% of bands who don’t make it. Coming up next, yet another band you’ve never
heard of. Been together for over 20 years, they’re now in their late thirties and still
trying to make it. Here they are, taking the world by not even a little cloud cover…it’s
CAN’T GET SIGNED…’
Summary
By upgrading your principles and redefining the world as you’d like to see it, you can
create new realities in the meshugganah middle:
PARADIGM SHIFTING
ROLES ARE REVERSING
BOUNDARIES ARE CRUMBLING
STEREOTYPES ARE SHATTERING, SHIFTING
It’s easy to stick to principles, especially if you’ve had some code hammered into you
all your life. But can you abandon them when you realise they don’t apply anymore?
Just as laws (universal and man-made) need to upgrade to move with the times, so
too do your principles, which is why we examine THE 21 RULES FOR RULE
BREAKING, or 21 ways to rise above the limitations of your principles in order to
innovate.
We also look at how man-made laws inspire new inventions – by thinking of loopholes
around the law.
And what’s more, multiple dogs can be walked with one device,
meaning no more entangling mess for New York dog walkers:
Search images: ‘dog walkers’
So when a law, or your own principle, doesn’t make sense to you, your mind
automatically tries to compensate for what’s missing. Mine tends to go towards
humour. Where does your mind go?
THE SECRETS & LIES OF THE UNIVERSE: ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE
Even if you’re not running a country, do you realise how many cover-ups you’re
involved with on a daily basis? If you think you’re not, then start counting the times
you hear or see any of the following statements, whether they’re from you or other
people:
Once you’re party to exclusive or sensitive information, at some point you’re going to
have to lie. We don’t realise that we do it all the time because we even lie about what
we call lying – it gets redefined as ‘getting the story straight’. Now start counting the
times you hear any of the following:
Changing your mind as often as global uncertainty dictates has become the key to
effective leadership. Take the oath and you’ll be able to manipulate the facts to suit
your argument, and when you realise you’re wrong, change your argument to suit the
facts.
As a consumer of news you’ll learn how to read between the lines of news and
marketing spin.
As a news editor, journalist or author, the Hippocritic Oath allows you to lie or tell the
truth, whichever is more interesting, as long as you promise the following:
REVEALED: Why we’re programmed to lie and how this makes us creative.
It’s all due to
Life is so complex that we have to break it down into bite-sized chunks in order to
process it. But the more you break it down, the more pieces you have, so the more
complex it gets.
In other words:
This law makes people say stupid things like: ‘If I only knew then what I know now…’
You couldn’t possibly have had any kind of now knowledge back then, because now
hadn’t happened yet. That’s why you didn’t buy Microsoft shares when they were $1,
because that was then and this is now.
The upside of this paradox is that you can keep changing your mind because your
disclaimer will always protect you – ‘All thoughts, feelings and facts were correct at the
time of going to press’.
Editorial licence is granted under the following terms & conditions of the contract:
I, the consumer of news and entertainment media, give you, the author, permission to
simplify events of the world to make it easier for me to understand. By ‘simplify’ I
mean:
EOX! Why don’t we have limited choice supermarkets that only stock the top two
brands of each product?
2permarket™ – You’ve got two choices
produx/food&beverage/retail/limited choice supermarket to save shopping time
Now that we have the joke, we also have a new business, based on the idea that
limited choice allows faster decisions, which would dramatically reduce shopping time
for customers and reduce shelving space.
Coming up: The ‘Queue of Indecision’ sketch [MMOVIES]
Objective: To Jump on a bandwagon, add wings & fly it your own way
[See ‘Chart 2’ for examples]
PiX/Cartoon/photo/video
Caption: YiddishKite™ – fly it your way
Just4Jews
We see a rabbi paragliding. The paraglider canopy is designed
to look like a tallit, which is a prayer shawl with tsiztzit
(fringes). The rabbi is sitting in the harness and controlling
the direction of the kite. On the tallit is written:
YiddishKite™ – fly it your way [see more on yiddishkite]
PARAFRAZING = R&D = The art of Rehashing & Disguising other people’s ideas in
order to find your voice – e.g. Frankenstein turns into Dracula, then Wolfman Jack,
Michael Jackson, followed by Adams Family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Marilyn Manson
and eventually Sponge Bob Square Pants.
1) EVOLUTION
We need to steal ideas in the same way that they need to be protected.
In nature, this battle for survival is called evolution. In business it’s called innovation.
Either way you’re involved, so you may as well learn the process.
You’re always changing the original to suit your personal taste. Let me explain…
PAFYAFFING - Pulling Advice From Your Ass For FINancial Gain, where originality is
achieved through CONS and FIBS:
1) CONS: You have to separate the CONtent from the CONtainer to get the
CONcept, in order to reframe in another CONtext.
Let’s break it down: Separate the content from the container to get the
concept.
Now, with the trademark or the melody removed, you’re left with the concept, the
system, the groove, the harmonic structure, over which you can improvise your own
product or melody:
Movies:
Harry Pan Pots&Pans™ Scriptwriter
+ Peter Potter in Harry & Pete’s feigela kitchen mmovies
adventure
Lord of The Rings, Spiderpig Homer Simpson
Spiderman, King Kong,
Star Wars, Lord of the Spiderkong Scriptwriter
Babe - pig in the city Wars™ mmovies
News – ‘Jade Goody BoXo Stock Cubes™ Oxo Stock Cubes PiX
loses her temper with ‘So good they’re worth fighting (Sponsor op)
Shilpa Shetty.’ (Causing over’ produx/food
an international race BB Recipes™
row and a wonderful – for limited shopping
celebritunity:) Jamie Oliver
boodgets mmovies
Big Brother Big Brother Celebrity Cook produx/books/printed matter
Book
– recipes from the BB house,
including ‘Chicken al a Shilpa’
JayGoody Doll:
Toy company
JAYDOLL™
mmovies
Push various buttons for
produx/toys
soundbites from the fight,
PiX
as well as gems like:
‘How comes Eskimo’s don’t
freeze?’
News – ‘Kinga Karolczak
becomes famous for
The KingaRude™ Sex Toy Company
masturbating with a
The wine bottle you can ride (Sponsor op)
wine bottle on Big
produx/sex toy
Brother.’
Celebritunity:
RELIGION
SPARX 113: RELIGITUNITY: Use your religion as a stimulus for
innovation
Here we take our inspiration from Coca Cola who found Santa in the meshugganah
middle zone between Jesus and Coke:
Many others found their creative space in the meshugganah middle zone the
same way:
Now just as Coke created Santa, so too are there plenty of religitunities to sell your
product – e.g. bottled water is sold as Holy Kabbalah water for £3 a bottle, and red
string for £18 a bracelet.
Let’s look at other ways to use religion as a marketing tool:
From a news report just in: Rabbis in Jerusalem have figured out a way to play Soduko
on Shabbes, using magnets, because writing is forbidden on Shabbes. Yet another
religitunity:
Shabbes Goys™
For Jews who are Shomre produx/kosher service/scifi
Shabbes but still want to do
regular things
Kosher Fridge™
A game teaching kids about
the laws of Kashrut.
The game consists of two Just4Jews
fridges for milk and meat. produx/kosher toys
Various meat, milk and Toy Company
parev products have to be (Sponsor op)
packed into the two fridges.
There’s only one way
everything can fit – the
kosher way.
Can you figure it out?
TumulDick™ Just4Jews Sex Toys™
– the wildest ride of your produx/sex toy/exec toy/scifi
life (Sponsor op)
PiX/grafix
Kosher Sex
PesachDick™ produx/sex toy/scifi
(Matzah balls included) Just4Jews
It’s Kosher for Passover and PiX/grafix
comes in a Matzah Box
(for privacy)
Disclaimer / Warning:
These are all highly dangerous stunts you should not attempt
unless you have loads of chutzpah. Kneidel is a professional
stuntman who also happens to love being Jewish.
It’s from Jewish laws & customs that he’s found THE ANSWER:
Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R, from which all material comes.
PSP is a device to help you create new songs, products and movies by combining 2 or
more samples of your favourite influences. Here’s how it works:
1) Cut 'n' Paste words from your target influences onto cards.
2) Shuffle and throw the cards, read them as they lie & lie about them as you read.
Examples:
For a new Coffee shop: HooterBucks – ‘hot chicks hot coffee’ TRY OUR S(LATTE)’S
(produx)
Fitness program: Yogalingus – a workout for your mind, body & tongue (produx)
Movie: Pots & Pans – the magical (gay) kitchen adventures of Harry Pan
and Peter Potter (mmovies)
POP SONG POETRY was originally a device used for writing songs by rehashing your
favourite lyrics. For example, you could take a ‘hey’ from ‘Hey Jude’ or ‘Hey
Macarena’, a ‘shiki bum bum’ from somewhere, a ‘moon in June’ and a ‘together
forever’, roll it all into one, like a new improved mortgage deal, and then
GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX! Just sing whatever! So here we go:
GIRLS IN POP SONGS ONLY COME FROM THE PLACE WITH WHICH THEY RHYME
THAT'S WHY THINGS HAPPEN IN JUNE
LIKE HER RED LIPS OF DESIRE
THEY RHYME WITH MOON
HER MOONLIGHT AND FIRE
Camera/Particle theory
8ShtiX
Nobody knows I’m an idiot yet because I don’t have a camera following me around.
But if I did and you edited all my ‘best bits’ together, I’d be a buffoon just like all the
other celebs you love to hate / make fun of. I can’t wait to prove this theory!
Just as Bush and others in the limelight reveal loads of ‘human nature’ when being
filmed, so too do animals reveal animal nature: March of the Penguins is about
penguins just being penguins.
It’s a fascinating documentary, partly because they really are fascinating, and partly
because you need to film them for a year and shoot over 120 hours of footage to
capture the magic in an 80-minute documentary. That’s nearly 4 times the average
15 minutes of fame we humans get, which is why penguins are nearly 4 times as
fascinating as most of us can ever hope to be.
Unless of course you apply the camera/particle principle when creating your own
documentaries, which is what you’re about to do now:
If you still don’t believe that film footage is proportional to fascination and fame, and
that pointing a camera or microphone at anything or anyone will cause it to do
something interesting, then here are a few ways to prove it on your own, by making:
Cue the example video consisting of edited highlights of 3-second clips of X-factor
or ‘Britain’s got talent’ contestants – notice how the edited package is always better
than the unedited version?
Now over to you. Here are 3 out of 22 documentaries you can make.
(Buy the book for the rest.)
MMovies 8shtix
2) March of the Turds
Shove a tiny camera up your bum. Call it: ‘The March of the
Turds' – a colonoscomentary in the style of ‘Inside Britain’s
fattest man’.
Whereas PSP changes the form, reframing changes the context. This is about turning
raw footage into material by focusing on editing and presenting. For example:
2) Satnav
You’re the captain of a ship. On arrival in Hawaii, you hire a car and get hopelessly
lost. You think to yourself: how is it possible that I can find an island in the Pacific
Ocean but not my way back to the harbour? Why can’t I have satellite navigation in
my car? EOX! You’ve just invented it, or figured out how someone else might have.
MMovies produx
3) PayNav™
Automated satellite billing for parking, toll roads and other
restricted areas.
Buy the book for 2 pages on how it all works – why we’re not
doing this is beyond me!
MMovies
7) GoogleNav™ & GoogleNav Tourist™
produx/satnav software/mobile phone
– personal tour guide for your mobile phone – wherever you are!
MMovies 8shtix
17) Demolition Therapy™ – Therapeutic Damage To Property
produx/therapy/car & building demolition biz
After studying these 18 case studies, a pattern emerges that sheds light on the
innovation process:
3) There was a desire to solve a mystery, i.e. aspiration – the ‘A’ and fulcrum of
PIFYAFING – Pulling Ideas From Your Aspiration for FINancial Gain.
6) The EOX! always connects information from the past with information from the
future – two or more different worlds – simply because you were at the right place
at the right time (i.e. the centre of an intersection of completely unrelated ideas). 1
7) It’s not only your specific mystery that was solved, but a universal mystery as well,
which is why you’re rewarded with a tremendously good feeling. This is how you
can identify an EOX!
If you don’t actually laugh out loud when you have one, then they have exactly the
same feeling as laughter.
[See ‘Laughter – the cause of The Big Bang’ for more info.]
It’s no coincidence that Parallel Universe Theory and Previously Unconnected ThingZ
are connected by the same acronym; there’s only one PUTZ who can see the
connection between this universe and the one you’re acting as an ambassador for –
and that’s you.
1
For more about intersectional innovation read ‘The Medici Effect’ by Frans Johansson
Branding is the science of getting people to change their mind from ‘yes but what
would you actually do with it?’ to ‘I gotta have one of those now!’
1) The Name: why add value when all you need is an adjective?
2) Fashion: if you can’t change the way you look, turn it into a fashion.
3) Price Tag: you can’t polish a turd, but you can put a price tag on it.
4) Soundtrack: don’t say it; sing it – or at least put a soundtrack under it.
(If you’re a musician, then bitch about it to the beat.)
5) Tone of Voice: how to turn anything into news, by using DRAMA IN YOUR
VOICE.
6) Technology: the cooler the gadget, the less you care about the content.
Most sounds we hear are heard out of context – we don’t see exactly what’s causing
the sound, and as a result we have to fill in the gaps and guess what the sound could
be. For example, if you hear a bang outside, it could be a gunshot, exhaust backfire
or fireworks. This is how sounds become audio triggers that connect you to past and
future events.
REVEALED: How visual & audio triggers create gapcidents – happy accidents where
logic collides with stupidity to create new ideas.
SPARX 153: MIND THE MAP – DO NOT BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND
The objective: to get horribly lost and discover places that nobody’s ever been to
before.
Just as events and shapes trigger images, so too will any squiggle you draw, and this
is how you’re able to create elaborate doodles while you’re on the telephone. If you’re
at a piano, any chord you play will make you think of notes within the chord. So just
as you tend to want to finish people’s sentences off for them, when you hear three
notes, you’ll want to finish off the statement.
Try it: without looking at the keyboard, play any three notes. Now complete the
statement you’ve just made. Just keep doodling and eventually it will start to look like
something; then fill in the gaps, and songs will magically appear. Don’t decide what it
is until it’s done. And even then, reserve judgement – let others decide what it is.
For lyrics, do exactly the same. Just say everything you’re feeling, like what you need
to get your song going: ‘I need words to make up phrases…’
Sounds out of context = BIG REVENUE! The sound of a simulated scooter starting up
superimposed over an animated frog = crazy frog remix = £40 million worth of logical
stupidity.
This kind of revenue forces you to see all kinds of other sounds in a whole new
context, so that’s exactly what we’re doing in this chapter.
Sounds provide messages from distant worlds telling you how to FIB: Fill In Blanks.
For instance, a train’s hooter or a doorbell will give you 2 or 3 notes, which is all you
need to connect you to a tune you already know:
This doorbell [sfx] provides the first two notes of a popular Brazilian football anthem,
connecting you with all kinds of world cup memories. [demo]
This means that if you’re a composer of music, it automatically makes you finish off
the ‘statement’ on your own. For example:
4 bees buzzing around a flower, in harmony with the vacuum cleaner and your electric
toothbrush, and you might just hear a D major 7 flattened 5th.
A dove cooing can connect you to the opening riff of a new song:
Listen to how the sound of a dove cooing crossfades perfectly with the opening riff of
‘New York, New York’. [soundbite demo]
In the next movie I’m going to show you how to use a natural sound, like the
squeaking brakes of a bus, as the starting point of a new composition:
He hands out cards giving his website where all live productions
are available to purchase, and he sells his CD’s from a trumpet
case which is also used for tips.
The top CD shows the title: ‘Brakes & Fills, by BusTop 40’.
An assistant of his teaches the choreography for the ‘The
Squeaky Brake Dance’ to the people waiting at the bus stop. The
whole thing is videod and available for all to see on youtube
the same night.
Search for BusTop 40 as soon as it becomes available – i.e. as
soon as it leaves the metaphysical thoughtmosphere and enters
the physical world – i.e. as soon as my guessedge becomes
knowledge – i.e. my regular bullshit becomes professional
bullshit – i.e. my dreams come true.
‘Brakes & Fills’ was inspired by the sound effects choir on the
Honda commercial.
The sound of a car starting up combined with the fact that you’re starting a new
relationship, leads to an EOX! A car starting up effect can be used to symbolise a
relationship starting up:
ADDsong LET’S TRY TO GET THIS THING GOING [car starting sfx]
This is how sounds trigger thoughts that get us to see things from other worlds.
A throat clearance can do the same thing. [sfx] Remind you of anything?
Well then, how about this one? Sfx of throat clearing that resembles the famous
scooter effect from the crazyfrog ringtone. Put that over a beat and you have the
Crazy Frog ringtone and £40 million!
Now instead of a throat clearing scooter sound, let’s do the same thing with another
natural human sound. [fart sfx] Removed from its natural context and inserted over a
hip-hop backbeat, it becomes this:
ADDsong www. PUT A NEW FLAVOUR IN THE ATMOSPHERE (FART SONG)
Plagiarise nature!
PiX/cartoon/grafix ‘The sig nature of God’
A gorgeous sunset with multiple colours in the sky. The
reflection of the sun on the ocean makes up the ‘g’, there’s a
copyright on the sun, a trademark on the moon, which together
looks like God’s signed the sunset.
SHOWTIME:
MALE VO: Live from The Aviary, London Zoo, it’s Flock Idols: the
search for the nest big thing. [Cue theme music]
[Cue opening production number - ‘Your Love Keeps Lifting Me
Higher’, featuring The Fabulous Flamingo Girls backed by Nando’s
Chicken Dancers doing the chicken dance. The two songs should
be cut, superimposed and blended together.]
VO: Please welcome your host for the evening: Afrikahn Peng
Wahn.
Afrikahn: [Chris Rock doing shtick] Yo yo, mah main flock, wsup.
I just flew in from The South Pole and boy are my wings tired.
[Audience laughter] Well I would have flown, but all the
flights were booked up. [Laughter]
I’m kidding, I’m not from Antarctica - I’m from Robben Island,
South Africa...
[A few other penguins in the audience whistle and applaud]
Oh, I see I have a few of my South African brothers out there.
Good job we’re black AND white, huh? [Laugh] Talk about the
best of both worlds. But we don’t get to fly though. That
sucks big-time, let me tell you. I walked into a travel shop
the other day because the sign on the window said: ‘Fly now, pay
later’. [Laughter]
I said, ‘I’m here for the deal in the window.’ They said,
‘Great, where do you want to go?’ I said, ‘What’s it to you?’
[Laughter] They said, ‘Okay what date would you like to fly and
when would you like to return?’ I said, ‘Listen here, you don’t
seem to understand me. I want to fly wherever I want to go and
whenever I like, you got that?’ [Laughter]
They couldn’t help me, so I walked out. Saw another sign in a
shop that said: ‘£20 free airtime voucher...for all phones over
£50’. [Laughter] I thought: ‘Great, I’m done with swimtime,
gimme some of that airtime, baby.’ [Laughter] ‘Forget the
phone, just hit me with an airtime voucher and let me pay as I
go...without any contractual obligations.’ [Laughter] ‘I want
it all!’ They said, ‘Sorry, offer not valid for penguins or
ostriches.’ [Laughter]
It’s just not fair, we don’t get no airtime. Fish gotta swim
like a bird’s gotta fly, am I right? [Huge ‘yeah’ from the
birds perched on branches above him]
Oh, easy for you to chirp, isn’t it? Way up there in the
expensive seats. [Laughter]
What I’d only give for that birds-eye view. [No laughter]
Birds-eye view? Hello? You don’t like that one? Never mind,
move on...
So I’m living in the zoo now, on a tiny island in the penguin
pool called Chris Rock. You may have heard of it? [Cut to
confused reaction-shot of birds not getting the joke] Yeah, I
just waddled over here from CHRIS ROCK in the penguin pool - man
is it good to be out of that verkakte place. Look at this
place, I feel like I’ve died and gone to the Canary Islands.
[Laughter]
[Beep runs on, faces the audience, gives a ‘beep beep’ then runs
off]
Afrikahn: What the flock was that? That’s not an act? That’s a
one trick pigeon. [Laughter] What do you say we bring her back
for a proper song? [Big YEAH from audience]
Flamingo Girls:
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah, bring her back
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah, bring her back
Afrikahn: Well what do you know? The beep can sing after all.
Still freaks me out though – that some very ordinary looking
bird can be famous for a two-word catchphrase, and you know they
have to be fowl words, right? Or why else would they keep
beeping them out? [Laughter]
You wanna know what they are? [Looks around like he’s going for
a big reveal] I’ll tell you, because she told me backstage.
[He mouths two words which are censored by regular beeps]
[Laughter]
How’s that, huh? Famous for saying [beep sfx] and [beep sfx].
[Laughter] That’s what I call a one trick pigeon.
The show closes with all the birds doing a funked up medley /
superimposed mix of ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’, ‘We believed we
could fly’ and ‘We’re Flying The Flag for The Birds’ (Britain’s
Eurovision 2007 Song Contest entry).
ROFR (Right of First Refusal) goes to The Bird Park – i.e. Brad Bird of Pixar and Nick
Park of Aardman.
Next in the pecking order would be Dreamworks in association with Nando’s Chicken.
Sponsorship opportunity for Pixar, Aardman or Dreamworks, or if they’re not up for it,
then we’re doing it anyway. So who’s in? Calling all animation artists and investors
who’d be interested in funding this. To discuss Flock Idols into existence go to
www.logicalstupidity.com.
Once I’d set up the collision between X-factor & Flock Idols, everything I know about
X-factor, Pop Idols, pop stars and pop music instantly starts pairing off with everything
I know about birds, and the knowledge vacuum begins to fill with hybrid molecules of
information (i.e. comedy material) that are no longer equal to the some of its parts. In
the physical world this can be likened to the way that two atoms of hydrogen combine
with one atom of oxygen to form a new material called water.
While comedy ‘material’ itself cannot be seen or heard, just like wind, its effects can –
e.g. the sights and sounds of laughter can be measured and felt.
Gapcidents are the after effects of accidents, and lead to discovery, invention, answers
and solutions. We’re not just talking about the accidental discovery of penicillin here;
we’re talking about the creation of everything. The cycle of innovation involves a
6-step process: PiX/grafix showing this.
Cycle of Innovation: We didn’t start the fire; it was always burning since the
world was turning. Here’s how we keep stoking the fire:
K @ ?? @ CB @ #`!!! @ s @ K
1 2 3 4 5 6
accident thought bomb conference solutions/new laws/ gapcident new accident
products
PiX/grafix: ‘accidents to gapcidents’
[See other references to ‘cycle of innovation’ & ‘solutions can be found in unlikely
places’]
Press Conferences:
Accidents of any sort, natural or man-made always lead to Q&A Thought Bombs,
designed to split thoughts multiple ways for the purposes of growth – e.g. Virginia
Tech campus shooting results in a thought bomb press conference: How could this
happen? How could we let it happen? How can we make sure that this never
happens again? How safe are schools? Who was Cho? What series of events led to
this mental state? Who were the parents? How do students deal with this?
The investigation will reveal all kinds of information that will provide numerous
answers, speculations and debate that will lead to both product and legal innovation.
And therein lies the paradox of thought bombs caused by any kind of drama or
tragedy:
In order to turn global problems into political and marketing opportunities, you need
the right attitude.
Ignorance is not acceptable, apathy is expected, but acting as if you care is essential,
which is why you need to learn the art of CAREOGRAPHY – choreographed caring,
where you’ll learn to:
Double whammies! Not only are you seen to be acting responsibly, you’re also giving
your target market ideas they might have missed had there been no warning at all.
These ideas will make up the bulk of your business – e.g.
10. This photocopy machine may not be used for body parts.
8. This Celine Dion box set may not be used for clay pigeon shooting.
5. Do not launch fireworks from your backside - the weirdo’s of Jackass are trained
stuntmen.
2. The use of Yahoo groups to trade naked pictures of yourself or your ex-girlfriend
is strictly forbidden. You may also not use a webcam to show your willy to
anyone.
1. You may eat all the fruit in the Garden of Eden except the apple.
The law of Logical Stupidity says you can bank on people doing the exact opposite of
your advice, thereby keeping you in business.
Summary of FOK–U
There is only what is. That which should be doesn’t exist, and yet trying to reach it
and showing that you're trying is the essence of both innovation and leadership: even
if there’s no heaven we still have to act as if there is one or we’re all completely
£@$%^ screwed.
So, as a leader or innovator, you have to keep finding ways of showing that you care.
Be happy that your efforts are fruitless, because achieving your end purpose would
also defeat it:
What would happen if the wishes of the UN and all beauty pageant contestants came
true at the same time and world peace broke out? GAME OVER! Or to quote Marge
Simpson when she realised she was wrong acting as a moral guardian:
I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably
shouldn’t.
Without a constant supply of problems, insanity and stupidity, there’d be no cause to
fight for:
Call off the Nobel peace prize and all charity events – there's no famine or poverty.
Now the rich and famous really would have nothing to do.
No need for partisan politics – everyone agrees.
Cancel all contracts for multibillion dollar arms deals; everyone’s getting along.
No need to invent remote controlled robots to rescue injured or abducted soldiers –
there’s no war.
Forget the entire media, from CNN all the way down to the gossip mags – there's
peace in the Middle East and Brad & Jen are still together playing happy families.
Comedians would have to get real jobs – nobody’s doing anything stupid.
The by-product of all the insanity of the world is innovation:
The world turns, not despite of all the problems, but because of them, and
this is what the Logical Stupidity formula for innovation is based on.
SONG 28 THE COLOUR OF CONFUSION [LYRIX]
ISN’T IT LOVELY THAT NOTHING IS SIMPLE?
THAT EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON SOMETHING
SO I’M BEING VAGUE BUT I’M AWARE
WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SPLITTING HAIR
AND IF YOU FOCUS ON THE BLUR
YOU’LL FIND YOUR LIFE IS THE COLOUR OF CONFUSION
OH ISN’T IT LOVELY,
THAT IT HAPPENS TO BE OUR FAVOURITE SOURCE OF INSPIRATION
CONTROVERSY IS WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR
OUTRAGEOUS CONTRADICTION, LIKE [guitar solo]
CAN YOU IMAGINE NO RELIGION
AND WE WERE ALL BORN THE SAME COLOUR?
THERE WOULD BE SILENCE
BUT YOU KNOW YOU PREFER THE NOISE
CONTRADICTION, THE CHAOS, THE NOISE
WE FEED OFF SOME KIND OF CONTROVERSY
GETTING ALONG IS A FALLACY
BITCHING, COMPLAINING IS WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO AROUND
Now that you have the FOK–U attitude, let’s tackle world problems using the
meshugganah matrix:
[Biodegradable Bags]
The RingDance™
OPMC
You answer, you dance!
Other People’s
It’s your call
Mobilephone
The Compulsory 8-step Government legislation
Conversations:
dance before answering or produx/legislation/mobile phone
presenting the
making calls on your phone
icebreaker to ease
passenger tension:
The Decibel Dance™
The physical world has scientific measuring devices – business climate is measured by
market indices. But how do we measure mood? That’s where art comes in – just as
we have the colour spectrum or the sound frequency spectrum, so too do we have the
human emotion spectrum, or moodometer. Zoomed all the way out, it’s just as vague
as hot, mild and cold – i.e. Woohoo!! ☺ Whatever & FU!! .
But by getting inside the meshugganah middle and measuring the spaces between
your thoughts, you create more detailed awareness pixels, and the more you have, the
better the quality of your life. How so? Each pixel of emotion you identify translates
into a line of conversation, a line for a song or a script, a business plan, a joke, a
comedy sketch, a brush stroke on a painting, or a feature on a piece of software or a
sports car.
This is why R&D therapy doesn’t try to fix your dysfunctions, because they’re not
supposed to be fixed. This is nature’s way of creating the luniverse. How do we know
this? Well who do you know that isn’t just a little bit whacked out in some way?
We’re all fluffed in the head but not in the same way: the slight difference is known as
your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.
The objective of R&D therapy is to find your STUBID and make it work for you.
Well actually, yes – blaming not only makes things easier, it’s an essential inspiration
device. For example:
Did you ever wonder why exactly the same amount of news happens every day
regardless of what happens in the world?
That’s because the news is a business, where reporters have to be fed, and where
column space and program slots have to be filled. This is why you’ll never see a news
headline of NOTHING MUCH HAPPENED TODAY, because if nothing serious happens
there are always backup headlines to run – like ‘Gordon Brown & Tony Blair to remain
friends’ or ‘Posh goes shopping with Katie’.
Newsflash: you’re also in the news business. What’s going on with you is just as
important or as trivial as world headlines. To practise thought accountancy, you need
to become the editor for ‘My Life’ – a news program broadcast on PNN, your Personal
News Network. At the end of every day you need to present a 10-minute highlights
presentation of your news. What’s in it?
DID YOU LEARN? DID YOU LAUGH? DID YOU LISTEN? DID YOU HAVE ANY
FUN?
WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY?
WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU’RE GETTING ANYWHERE?
WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY?
Think of your life as a game of Tetris where all problems thrown at you – e.g. the
contents of your inbox – are the shapes flying at you. You need to find a way to twist
all these problems in such a way that they line up to form neat rows, leaving no
mysterious spaces. You score points for using problems as part of the solution, and
extra bonus points for lining up four rows of problems in such a way that they all
disappear instantly.
Exactly how you twist the facts that you’re presented with, depends on your STUBID:
Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise. My STUBID is that I’m wired for
rhythm, so I process everything musically. This means that if I’m sent on a mission to
Starbucks with a specific order, like ‘a grande semi skim cappuccino with an extra
shot’, I’ll have to turn it into a song so I don’t forget it. Any other incoming
information will be lined up according to some kind of rhythm:
CK519J IS ALL I KNOW ABOUT THE GIRL WHO GOT AWAY - fact & fantasy =
factasy
22. Misinterpreation –
Creativity by Denial & Error
By missing the point entirely, you often end up discovering way more interesting
places than the intended message – i.e. a new message is found in translation.
REVEALED: The creative & destructive effects of misinterpreation and the 12 factors
causing it.
The thoughtmosphere works just like the virtual world of hyperlinks – you’re always
only one letter or sound away from a foreign destination that could be way more
exciting than the intended one. By allowing yourself to roll with the accident, you’re
likely to discover gapcidents like factasy, spontenudity, hysterical accuracy and various
other comical reactions.
This is the upside of being a little bit stupid and a bad listener – you never have to try
to screw things up – it happens automatically. Especially if you, like me, have punlexia
– an auditory processing disorder, where your brain searches for every possible
alternative meaning to the intended one.
So how do you cure it? You don’t. Just like many other anxieties, neuroses, phobias,
dysfunctions and disorders, there are no cures, and even if there were, you wouldn’t
want them, because this is what makes you uniquely creative and fascinating.
When it comes to playing with words, you’re a phonetic, so follow the songs and
sounds wherever they take you. When your punlexia impairs your ability to focus,
then follow the spontenudity. By discovering new words, you’re also discovering new
destinations in our thoughtmosphere, which can then be turned into:
This is a permanent fatal error. May the grim rapper take you on a wild inventure to
find your ERRORGENIUS ZONE.
You need R&D therapy to UNLEASH YOUR POW: The Power Of Whatever
Lets have a look at Type 1:
Type 2: D 'n' A crushed by reality or put on hold because of job perks you
can’t ignore
This is where I take a few pages to talk about my job as a sound and light technician
working for Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines:
You’re getting paid to do a job you love doing, you’ve got your own cabin serviced
daily, you’re cruising the Caribbean, you’re mixing with showbiz people, lunches at
Carlos ‘n’ Charlies, free shooters from the tequila girls, bike riding, catamaran
snorkelling, BBQ’s on private islands, tennis with a different pro on each island every
day and topping it all off with the midnight buffet on the pool deck followed by
dancing to the Caribbean band. This had to be the life!
Or was it? Why did I have this permanent feeling that I should be doing something
else with my life? Why did the fun have to end?
This is type 2 disillusion: you’ve got higher aspirations than your current job, but
you’re trapped by the reality of bills to pay or incredible job perks or both, and it all
means that your big dreams get put on hold. Two ways to deal with it:
1) GET OUT! Break out of your comfort zone and follow the bigger dream. Done
that.
2) Turn the situation into a movie by describing events and your feelings at the time.
Would like to do that:
Dilog MoviePitch ‘The Head Set – the show behind the show’
It’s called ‘The Head Set’ because that’s what we were – the
sound, light and video techs running the shows by talking on
headsets.
Since the shows all ran like clockwork, mostly, we’d talk about
all kinds of other things besides sound, light, sets and video
cues, and it’s from this angle that all the backstage antics of
showbiz life at sea are revealed:
SPARX 187: WHERE DID YOUR DREAMS GO? WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
SONG 35 DAY BY DAY [LYRIX]
I’M AN EXTRA IN A MOST CONFUSING BORING B MOVIE
IS THERE ANOTHER PART I COULD PLAY?
HAVE A FEW MORE LINES TO SAY
COULD YOU MAYBE CHANGE THE SCENERY?
COULD YOU GIVE ME A SHOT AT THE LEAD?
I COULD PLAY THAT PART I SWEAR
IF YOU’D ONLY LET ME OUTA HERE
Perhaps you really wanted to be an architect, but you settled for interior designer, or
selling door handles in B&Q. Maybe you wanted to be a breakfast DJ, but you had to
settle for the guy who gives the traffic reports. Maybe you wanted to be a rock star,
but you had to settle for music publisher, music lawyer or sound engineer. What was
supposed to happen BUT didn’t?
And while waiting for your songs to become hits, you ended up at the Holiday Inn bar.
Why not? Are you sure the dreams you were chasing were yours?
IT’S ALL A LITTLE HAZY WHEN ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING
HOMES DOGS BABIES AND SECOND WIVES
HOMES DOGS BABIES AND FOUR WHEEL DRIVES
STUBIDs are evident at an early age, but usually get diagnosed as ‘antisocial
behaviour’ and snuffed out by Ritalin before they’ve had a chance to be discovered
and unleashed. This is a great pity because all kinds of lucrative careers are being
snuffed out before they’ve had a chance to get going – e.g. a pathological liar, with a
little nurturing, could make a brilliant lawyer. Kids who play with guns and fail their
music exams could be rappers. Destructive kids who break other kids' toys and then
give out advice on how to fix them, could be management consultants. Those who
love the sound of their own voice but don’t have much to say, could be radio DJ’s.
Hopelessly deluded kids could have been speech writers for Blair, or if the delusion
was more serious, for Bush.
So where did your nutcase go, and how can we get it back? This is what R&D therapy
is concerned with: what’s your basic malfunction, and how can you use it? How is that
only kids and old people can say whatever they like? Well now you can too!
We’re going to examine 5 methods to get your whacky back:
2) Regression.
3) Trial & Error.
4) Soul Searching.
5) Meditation.
IT’S NOT MY PLACE TO GIVE ADVICE BUT IT’S THERE IF YOU LIKE IT
FEED OFF THE CHAOS, EMBRACE IT DON’T FIGHT IT
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING INSIDE YOU
AND ALL OF THEM ARE TO BLAME
IT’S PATHOLOGICAL, THE REASON FOR THE WAY THAT YOU ARE
SOMEWHAT CONTRADICTORY
BUT LEAVE ME AS A MYSTERY
OR THE MAGIC DISAPPEARS AS YOU BREAK ME DOWN
SO DON’T DO IT
TRUST ME
AND WHAT I’M WEARING ON THE DAY
YOU CAN TRUST ME
FOR YOU CAN SEE WHAT I BELIEVE
TRANSPARENCY
LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE INSIDE OF ME
TRUST ME FOR ALL OF WHO WE ARE
There’s a reason you’re scared of snakes, spiders and stingrays – it’s related to your
fear of dying. This is why fear exists – to keep you alive and sane. This explains why
I have Theraphobia – fear of therapy of any sort – whether that comes in the form of
private sessions or self-help seminars. I’m terrified of spending £1856 on anything
that promises to cure my fears. And this is not a fear I wish to confront, because that
fear will keep me happily cynical and £1856 richer, just by doing nothing. Without a
fear factor of some sort you would have nothing to thrive on.
Fears tell you everything you need to know, like what job you should be doing – which
you can figure out by process of elimination: if you’re scared of flying, you probably
shouldn’t be a pilot. If you’re afraid of water, life saving is out. You wouldn’t choose
to go into motivational speaking if you were scared of public speaking or falling in love
with yourself. And you’d probably want to stay out of politics if you were scared of
coming across as delusional.
This is how your phobias send you clear messages as to what you should be doing.
My fascination with fear comes from the creative perspective: all fears, anxieties and
phobias can and should be used to work for you, not against. How do you use them?
Describe your symptoms and how you wish things could be better. You don’t even
have to go as far as the part where you overcame. Yes, it’s embarrassing to reveal all
your deepest darkest fears, but this is what audiences relate to the most. If you don’t
believe me, then study the lyrics of hit songs, or Oprah’s Book Club reading material.
So, with this in mind – here are a few of my anxieties set to music:
SONG 43 [LYRIX]
THIS IS ALL CRAP, THIS IS ALL CRAP
I CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
IF I WASN’T SO EASILY DISTRACTED
IF I WASN’T SO LAZILY PROCRASTINATED
Extreme sensitivity to any type of old culture that’s been blatantly regurgitated as new
culture. Just the thought of being dragged along to see any revival or back catalogue
musical drives you
4) Belief Intolerance
It starts off not believing completely unbiased news reports, self-help guru’s and
politicians, and can eventually end up with not believing scientifically proven things –
like those washing powder commercials with microscopic diagrams showing you
exactly how the dirt is removed. If not treated it can develop into:
Acute Belief Intolerance: You don’t allow any media into your life at all, believing
that everything is a massive globalisation conspiracy for large corporations to
manipulate your mind and take over the world.
6) Overactive Imagination
And let's not forget FFAF Disorder: Famous For Absolutely Flufall.
The opposite of FOBAN, FFAF Disorder is experienced by those who’ve become famous
for reasons unrelated to inherent talent. Since the fame is based entirely on external
approval, sufferers constantly seek attention, usually making complete twats of
themselves in public for our entertainment pleasure.
1) Physical
2) Verbal
3) Rejection letters
4) Reviews
Then we’re going to use all the rocks thrown at you as inspiration for more products
and songs. Using various devices we’re going to arrive at:
Big-time sucking is an honour awarded to you by others. It’s not something you can
decide on your own, mostly because you’re always too far up your own ass to be able
to tell. The digital revolution is partly responsible for this:
Working in isolation – you may feel like you’re connecting to people but ultimately
you’re an isolated screen starer – your only form of human contact coming from virtual
hugs and pokes.
The preoccupation with your own thoughts, combined with a certain frequency of your
computer fan, made you start hallucinating that you’re better than the combined
creative output of U2, Steven Spielberg, Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and that, just
because it took you a year to get your masterpiece on myspace, the whole world
would be interested in whatever you had to say.
Not necessarily:
You soon found out that you’re very much alone and you suck.
And in case you still haven’t found this out, this chapter goes through all the signs that
you suck and how to use them as inspiration.
It also goes through:
Step 3: Insist on specific examples and actually listen this time. Don’t try to think of
anything to say; you need to focus all your attention on just listening, which will take
every bit of concentration you have. If you have trouble listening, or remembering the
exact lines she uses, then use a Dictaphone, but don’t get caught.
Step 4: At another time and place (so that you’re calmer and can think rationally)
examine all requests and complaints, taking particular note of the knowledge vacuum
between both extremes. You will now find yourself in the interpreation zone, the
Centre Of Confusion inside a Unique Problem (the COC-UP), deep inside the paradox,
(which is why it’s called the meshugganah middle).
This is where you find pure inspiration as you begin to piece all the nonsense together
– e.g. how come she’s instantly reminded of everything she needs to tell me only
when I turn on the TV?
How is it that she can handle the bikini wax, the boob job, nose job, tummy tuck,
colonic irrigation, botox, pierced tongue, nipples & clit and yet she’s not prepared to
take it up the ass because it hurts?
What’s up with that? I’ll tell you: OOPS – Observation Of Pure Stupidity, or the Origin
Of Planets & Stars.
I have no idea who started circulating that text but I do know that it comes from the
very centre of the paradox, the source of all life, the catalyst of all creation – that
which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R – The ANSWER to everything!
There’s no need for intergalactic space travel to solve the mysteries of the universe
when you can find the same mysteries deep inside the meshugganah middle. All you
have to do is ask the right questions and set your answers to dialogue and music.
Which is what we’re going to do with various stages of the relationship…
General flirting:
SONG 59 WHO’S DOING WHAT TO WHO [LYRIX]
Internet flirting – His perspective:
SONG 16 JACKIE’S JUST A JPEG [LYRIX]
Both perspectives:
SONG 17 DOWNLOADING OUR LIVES AWAY [LYRIX]
st
1 Date leads to regular dating and eventually moving in. Man gets a little too
comfortable too quickly and the honeymoon is over – Her perspective:
SONG 8 HE’S ONLY A MAN [LYRIX]
Man left with serious doubts about his choice:
SONG 50 WHAT WAS I THINKING? [LYRIX]
th
Since this is the 5 time this has happened, she’s concerned about her ability to attract
men:
SONG 51 CHOOSING MEN WHO NEVER LOVE ME [LYRIX]
Man left thinking he should have stuck with his first love:
SONG 52 MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT/ SONG 53 NOW THAT I’M BACK [LYRIX]
Man experiences 3-month itch and is desperate for a change of scenery.
Added to that, there’s a pregnancy scare:
SONG 54 TOODALOO [LYRIX]
SHE’S NOT FEELING WELL IN THE MORNING
I SAW HER SEARCHING FOR A CALENDAR
COULD THIS MEAN, I’LL BE SEEING
A LOT MORE OF THIS GIRL THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD
OH DEAR, WHAT DO I DO NOW?
SHE’S LOVELY BUT NOT REALLY MY CUP O’ TEA
I COULD SURELY DO BETTER, SO COULD SHE
I THINK IT’S TIME TO TELL HER THAT SHE’S ONLY TEMPORARY
TOODALOO SO LONG GIRL
I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU SO I WROTE IT IN A SONG
AND THIS IS IT, I QUIT
I’M OUTA HERE
IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME
I NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY
DON’T YOU FOLLOW ME AROUND LIKE A PUPPY DOG
DON’T YOU FOLLOW ME AROUND AT ALL
LIKE A POODLE ON A STRING
YOU’RE A PRETTY LITTLE THING
BUT BABY YOU DRIVE ME UP THE WALL
WITH YOUR TAKE ME SHOW ME BUY ME DO ME
TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME EVERYDAY
WELL I DON’T HAVE TO ANYMORE
WE’RE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST FINE DEAR
NOW THAT YOU WON’T BE GETTING IN MY WAY
TOODALOO…
OUR LOVE DIDN’T FLY OUT THE WINDOW
IT WASN’T THERE TO BEGIN WITH
BUT I’M SO GLAD THAT I MET YOU
BECAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT I’M NOT LOOKING FOR
TOODALOO…
IT’S THE WAY YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR
THE MESSAGE YOU LEAVE ME IN MY UNDERWEAR
IT’S THE WAY YOU WAKE ME UP
AND I DON’T MEAN WITH COFFEE
IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS YOU DO THAT TELL ME
Proactive shmoactive – you can’t ‘just do it’ and there are plenty of reasons why you
can’t.
Tap into these reasons and you’re inside the collective trashcan of rubbish that unites
us all. For example, office gossip, junk mail and everything making you wait.
Whatever it is, it’s also making everybody else wait, so describe the symptoms of your
pain and you’re
You know what you’re good at, and you know what makes you money. You don’t
need to think outside any boxes if you merge all the boxes you love, to create a new
box just for you.
This is about finding your USP (Unique Sales Point) as well as your UFP: Unique
Failure Point, and then blowing them way out of proportion:
There are issues in defining what you do – you’re going to use all them:
How do you stick a label on what you do when you do so many things?
They only like what they know, yet they’re drawn to what’s new and different.
But no matter how different you think you are, there’s always some kind of label that
covers what you do.
How?
Meshugganah middle
Too narrow
‘Here’s a song for all black
Republican lesbian vegetarian
pot smokers out there…lemme
Too broad see who you are…’
‘All the party people in the
house, let me hear you
say: yeah.’
Here’s one for all the lesbian party people in the house
You can find the meshugganah middle by combining the boxes you love, to create a
new box just for you – e.g. if you love pop, rock, reggae and jazz, you don’t need to
choose. Here’s how you can have it all!
No matter how amazing your product is, at some point you’re going to have to get
connected to the people who can make it happen for you. This is why you need a
crash course in Schmoozing 1a, where we’ll examine the fine lines between:
1) Impulse Schmoozing:
Used on people who you feel need to be met – based on your gut instinct.
2) Target Schmoozing:
For when you know who the right people are to meet and where to meet them.
Method: The STALK & POUNCE and the 3 essential poses you need to learn.
Summary of Schmoozing:
You’ve been criticised and analysed, so all that’s left is to CAPITALISE, by going ahead
and making the meshugganah movies of your mind. Change your mind as often as
you like, just voice your confusion along the way, because it’s all going to change by
tomorrow, that’s why…
And quite a few more, but these are just off the top of my head
TV shows cited
Abbey House
America’s funniest videos
Big Brother
Brothers & Sisters
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Dr. Katz
Dr. Phil
Everybody Loves Raymond
Fear factor
I’m a celebrity get me outa here
Jackass
Jerry Springer
Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous
Malcolm in the Middle
MTV
My Name is Earl
Nip Tuck
Opera
Pimp My Ride
Seinfeld
Sex and the City
Simpsons
Skins
The Sarah Silverman Program
Weeds
X-factor
City A.M.
Evening Standard
Heat Magazine
London Lite
Mail on Sunday
Metro
New Scientist
Newsweek
Observer
The Independent
The Sun
The Times
Time Magazine
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Many of the ideas in this book come from imaginary conversations I had with all of the above.