Idiots

A Ten-Minute Play by Natalya Churlyaeva
Translated from Russian by Jane H. Buc in!ham

Natalya Churlyaeva "olomens aya #$%&$ "rasnoyars ' Russia churyahin(rambler.ru
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

CHARACTERS
*)M+N, a successful businessman' over -.. /0+R/0, an old friend of *)M+N' about the same a!e' also a successful businessman. 1A2, a retired la3 enforcement em4loyee' a coarse and 4lain-loo in! 3oman about -.' recently married *)M+N.

)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

SETTING
The action ta es 4lace in *)M+N5s cotta!e.

TIME
*ummer.

)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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As the curtain rises, SIMON and GEORGE are sitting at a table. On the table is an open bottle and some snacks. /0+R/0 ( ours cognac into t!o !ine glasses." Come' *imon' let6s drin to our meetin!. *)M+N (Raises a glass and clinks glass !ith GEORGE." To us7 (#rains the glass." /0+R/0 To us7 (#rinks up, eats a piece o$ cold boiled pork !ith pickle, and grunts in satis$action." Ah-h' she 3ent do3n 3ell7 *)M+N /eor!e' you haven6t chan!ed a bit. /0+R/0 8hat6s this9 *)M+N )ndeed' 3here haven6t you been to' 3hat im4ortant 4eo4le haven6t you had drin s 3ith... /0+R/0 *o9 *)M+N *o' you still can6t tell the difference bet3een co!nac and vod a. /0+R/0 (%ro!ns." 8hy did you say that9 *)M+N Because' you should remember one thin! after all : co!nac is H0 and vod a is *H07 /0+R/0 (&he!s sullenl', puts the $ork do!n on the table, picks up a kni$e and pla's !ith it." 8hat' you 3ant to insult me9 *)M+N
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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8hat insult9 /0+R/0 Perha4s you thin )6m stu4id9 *)M+N ) 3as ;o in!7 /0+R/0 ) don6t understand your ;o e. *)M+N 8ell' here you said *H0 80NT <+8N 8022' but that 3ould only im4ly vod a. =nderstand no39 8e6re drin in! co!nac' then 3e have to say H0 80NT <+8N 8022. /0+R/0 (#ri(es the kni$e $orce$ull' into the table." *hut u47 Mar me 3ell' once and for all' ) s4ea as ) see fit. To me' co!nac' vod a...even moonshine' they6re all the same7 To me' they6re ;ust boo>e' understand9 (Grabs SIMON b' the lapel and pulls him o(er." 8ell' ans3er me' you e?4ert on lan!ua!e' is boo>e he or she9 *)M+N *he. /0+R/0 *o' you ac no3led!e that boo>e is she. *)M+N ) do. /0+R/0 ()ets go o$ SIMON." )t turns out' for all that' you 3eren6t insultin! me9 *)M+N ) didn6t 3ant to. /0+R/0 )f you didn6t 3ant to' then a4olo!i>e. *)M+N /eor!e' you 4ost the 3ron! @uestion. /0+R/0
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

A

Maybe you 3ant to say that ) don6t no3 ho3 to 4hrase a @uestion9 8ho are you to say so7 *)M+N 8hat' don6t you understand a ;o e9 /0+R/0 Have you considered 3hom you6ve ta en into your head to ma e fun of9 *)M+N )6m not ma in! fun of you' ) 3as sim4ly ;o in!7 /0+R/0 8hy9 *)M+N Because it6s fun7 /0+R/0 *o' you thin it6s fun to humiliate me9 *)M+N ) didn6t humiliate you. /0+R/0 8hat 3ere you doin! if you didn6t9 Maybe you admired me9 *ur4rised by my success in life9 Huh9 *)M+N 8hat success do you have9 ( ours cognac into his !ine glass and picks it up." *ame as mine... (Spits and pours the cognac $rom the !ine glass into a glass." ...no more' no less. (GEORGE looks *uestioningl' at SIMON." *)M+N By and lar!e' /eor!e' you and ) are losers... (#rinks $rom the glass in one gulp." /0+R/0 Bou' *imon' can consider yourself 3hat you 3ant' loser or sim4ly a nobody... (Grabs the bottle and drinks $rom it." ...but me...

)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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*)M+N 8hat9 1A2 (Enters." *imon' 3hy didn6t you 4ic me u49 8hy should ) have to ;ostle in the crammed bus9 *)M+N (+urns to ,A)." Bou could6ve started by sayin! hello. <on6t you see that ) have a !uest9 1A2 ) tell you that ) 3as ;ostlin! in the bus for an hour7 2i e last time... *)M+N And ) tell you that you could start by sayin! hello. After that' coo somethin! for us. 1A2 )n the first 4lace' )6m not your maid. *)M+N And secondly9 1A2 *econdly' ) don6t intend to say hello to the drun en men you constantly brin! home. *)M+N This is my home' ) can brin! 3hoever ) 3ant. ) don6t have to as your 4ermission. 1A2 Then stay 3ith your drun ard. Bou can continue to boo>e... (E-its." /0+R/0 Be-ah... (+akes the bottle and pours himsel$ some cognac in the glass." Come' *imon' let6s drin to your ha44y life... (#rains the glass." And to such ha44iness never comin! to me. *)M+N ()ooks sullenl' at his o!n glass, ponders $or a !hile, li$ts it and drinks." Bou' /eor!e' are a bad 4erson. /0+R/0 8ell' 3hat of it9 /ood 4eo4le 3on6t !et near you.
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

C

(SIMON looks *uestioningl' at GEORGE." /0+R/0 8on6t !et near me either. *o that 3e can choose our friends from the bad and the very bad. )' for e?am4le' choose from the very bad. *)M+N 8hy9 /0+R/0 They6re of more use. )f you ta e only the bad' they6re inca4able of dealin! by themselves. They can only !et the leftovers from the very bad. *)M+N *o' if ) don6t ta e scra4s from you' then' accordin! to you' )6m a very bad 4erson9 /0+R/0 +f course' 3e6ll leave this conversation' it 3on6t lead us to any !ood. (&ell phone rings, ans!ers." Bes...)...) remember' *3eetie... Certainly' as 3e a!reed... No' today ) can6t. Today )6m 3ith *imon Borisovich... No... No... 8e have no floo>ies here... +"... 2ove you' *3eetie. ( uts do!n the cell phone." *)M+N 8hat6s this s3eetie you6ve !ot9 /0+R/0 My s3eetie is no match for your 3itch. Head6s full of cotton 3ool' but le!s u4 to her arm4its' and @uite a bust. *)M+N And 3hat do you do 3ith this s3eetie9 /0+R/0 *ome @uestion7 8hat' already don6t remember 3hat to do 3ith s3eeties9 *)M+N 8hat does your 3ife thin of this9 /0+R/0 My 3ife has her o3n s3eetie. 0verythin!6s in order 3ith that one...also dumb as an o?. *)M+N ) didn6t thin you6d sin so lo3.
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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/0+R/0 Bou tal ' but don6t !et carried a3ay. 8hom are 3e harmin!9 8hom are 3e ham4erin!9 Nobody. 0ven feed t3o idiots' and' by the 3ay' 3ith our hard-earned money. *)M+N ()aughs." Ha-ha-ha. /0+R/0 8hat6s so funny9 *)M+N Hard-earned... Me too' turned u4 to be a 3or er. ) no3 ho3 you earned them. /0+R/0 Ho39 *)M+N Bribes. /0+R/0 *o9 *)M+N *o' have to shoot those li e you. /0+R/0 *hoot9 Me9 *)M+N Beah' shoot. /0+R/0 Perha4s' better shoot you9 ( ulls a gun $rom some!here behind and aims at SIMON." *)M+N 8hy did you 4ull out a !un9 8ant to ma e a fool of yourself9 /0+R/0 ) 3ant you to shut u47 *)M+N Put do3n the !un' or else )6ll...

)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

D

/0+R/0 (Shoots SIMON." Not you' but me. *)M+N (Grabs his chest and shouts." 1al7 1al7 Murder7 (No one responds." *)M+N (Shouts heart.rendingl'." Hel47 Murder7 1A2 (Enters, clearl' anno'ed." 0nou!h shoutin!. *)M+N 1al7 1al7 Hel4 me7 *ave me7 1A2 (Notices the gun in GEORGE/s hand." 8hy are you 3avin! a !un9 8ant to !o to ;ail9 *)M+N He...he shot me7 /0+R/0 Bour o3n fault. No need to humiliate me. 1A2 Hand over the !un. /0+R/0 8hy9 1A2 )6m tal in! to a bric 3all9 Hand over the !un. /0+R/0 /o a3ay' 3itch7 )6m not !ivin! you anythin!. 1A2 (+akes a step to!ards GEORGE." )6m not ;o in!. Bou don6t hand it over' ) call the co4s.
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

E

*)M+N 1al' call F##. *eems )6m dyin!... 1A2 <on6t s3eat' no one dies from a non-lethal 3ea4on. *)M+N )t6s not non-lethal... (+akes his hands o$$ his chest, the' are co(ered in blood." 1A2 8hat6s this9 (Approaches SIMON and e-amines his hands and chest." Blood... Real blood. (+urns to $ace GEORGE." 8hat have you done' you s un 9 /0+R/0 His o3n fault. 1A2 8hat did you shoot a man for9 /0+R/0 He threatened me. He 4ro4osed to shoot me first. *)M+N A doctor7 Call a doctor7 ) can die7 /0+R/0 Have no fear' )6ll call F## no3. They6ll ta e you to the hos4ital and you6ll be fine. *)M+N Guic 7 Guic 7 /0+R/0 (#ials a number." Patience' a doctor 3ill come soon... 1A2 He6ll come and call the co4s. /0+R/0 (Stops dialing." 8hy the co4s9
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

F

1A2 To arrest you. And loc you u4 for #. years. /0+R/0 Ten years9 Hor 3hat9 1A2 ( oints at SIMON." Hor shootin! him. /0+R/0 )t6s self-defense. *)M+N A doctor7 Call a doctor @uic 7 /0+R/0 8hy should ) call a doctor if they6re !oin! to loc me u49 *)M+N But )6ll die7 /0+R/0 <on6t 3orry' you 3on6t die... (Approaches SIMON." Come on' )6ll banda!e you myself. *)M+N 1al7 8ife7 Hel4 me7 1A2 Bou don6t say' remembers that he has a 3ife. As soon as trouble comes' hel4' 3ife9 *)M+N 1al' call a doctor7 1A2 By the 3ay' accordin! to the marria!e contract' our assets and 4roblems are se4arate. 8hat do ) !et for solvin! your 4roblems9 *)M+N Bou6ll still have a husband7 1A2 And assets9
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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*)M+N 1al' )6m not ;o in!7 )6m feelin! really bad7 ) can die7 /0+R/0 (Reaches $or the phone." Have to call a doctor after all. 1A2 (+urns to GEORGE." Please' 4hone. All the same to me. /0+R/0 8hy do you say that9 He6s your husband after all. 1A2 *o9 /0+R/0 8hat do you mean' so9 )t6s inhuman7 1A2 And shootin! a 4erson9 )t6s human9 /0+R/0 (0a(ering." ) no3 )6m a cad. But ) don6t 3ant to !o to ;ail7 *)M+N Call the doctor' )6ll say that ) shot myself7 /0+R/0 Can ) trust you9 1A2 Never trust him. He has either buried all his business 4artners in the !round or 4ut them in ;ail. *)M+N (+urns to ,A)." 8ith your hel47 Bou hel4ed me send them to the slammer7 1A2 ) 4erformed my duty. And don6t thin that it 3as so easy to do. *)M+N
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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) also don6t thin so7 ) no3 you6re ca4able of doin! it 3ellI in the 4rosecutor6s office' they considered you a com4lete fool... 1A2 8h-at9 A fool9 8hy' then' do you' so smart' as me' a fool' to ee4 you alive' but )' a fool' thin ' do ) need this9 *)M+N 1al' )6ll si!n over all my assets to you7 1A2 8hy9 )f you die' everythin! 3ill come to me. *)M+N But my ids from my first marria!e9 Have you for!otten them9 1A2 No' ) haven6t. )t6s you 3ho have ;ust remembered them no3. And ) don6t thin they6ll cry over you' es4ecially as they6ve been livin! in America for a lon! time' and ) doubt that they6ll mana!e to find out about your death in time. )6m not !oin! to advertise. /0+R/0 8on6t be able to ee4 the death of such a 4erson as *imon Borisovich a secret. 1A2 ) don6t need to ee4 it a secret. 0nou!h not to advertise for - months' durin! 3hich time no other heir turns u4 to interfere in the 4rocess of inheritance. /0+R/0 And me9 8hat 3ill ha44en to me9 1A2 Rot. /0+R/0 +h' no7 (Aims the gun at ,A)." )6m not !oin! to ;ail7 (Shoots ,A), !ho grabs her head and slips do!n onto the so$a." *)M+N /eor!e7 8hy did you ill her9 /0+R/0 Because she6s scum.

)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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*)M+N *o9 2ots of scum in the 3orld' really have to ill them all... ()oses consciousness." /0+R/0 (0alks o(er to SIMON and pushes him." *imon' you6re not dead yet9 (SIMON groans." *till alive. *)M+N Call F##' else you 3on6t have time... /0+R/0 ...aha' to !et a life term. No' better ) sit here 3ith you and 3ait. *)M+N 8hat are you 3aitin! for9 /0+R/0 Till there 3on6t be 3itnesses. *)M+N )6m not a 3itness. )6m a victim...because of you. /0+R/0 )t6s your destiny. Can6t out3it destiny' *imon. No matter ho3 you dod!ed and duc ed' no matter ho3 many 4eo4le you betrayed or sold' you see 3hat ha44ened9 ) shot you. Bour 3hole life' all your mean tric s turned out in vain. As the sayin! !oes' $inita la commedia. *)M+N *3ine...)6ll !et you for this... /0+R/0 No' you don6t. *)M+N )6ll...curse... (Stops talking." /0+R/0 (Nastil'." +h' ho3 scary7 (+ouches SIMON/S neck." )sn6t this 3hat they do in the movies9
)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

#A

(Someone bangs on the door." 1+)C0* J+.*.K +4en u47 +4en u4' it6s the 4olice7 +4en u4 or 3e6ll brea do3n the door. /0+R/0 Hel47 (+ries to put the gun in SIMON/s hand." *ave me from the lunatics' they 3ant to ill me7

End

)diots by Natalya Churlyaeva

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