Jeffrey Eugenides

Middlesex
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
For Yama, who comes from a different gene pool entirely

Book One
The Silver Spoon
I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near etoskey, !ichigan, in "ugust of 19#$% &'eciali(ed readers may ha)e come across me in Dr% eter *uce+s study, ,-ender Identity in ./"l'ha/0eductase seudoherma'hrodites,1 'ublished in the Journal of Pediatric Endocrinology in 19#.% 2r maybe you+)e seen my 'hotogra'h in cha'ter si3teen of the now sadly outdated Genetics and Heredity. 4hat+s me on 'age .#5, standing naked beside a height chart with a black bo3 co)ering my eyes% !y birth certificate lists my name as 6allio'e 7elen &te'hanides% !y most recent dri)er+s license 8from the 9ederal 0e'ublic of -ermany: records my first name sim'ly as 6al% I+m a former field hockey goalie, long/standing member of the &a)e/the/!anatee 9oundation, rare attendant at the -reek 2rthodo3 liturgy, and, for most of my adult life, an em'loyee of the ;%&% &tate De'artment% *ike 4iresias, I was first one thing and then the other% I+)e been ridiculed by classmates, guinea/'igged by doctors, 'al'ated by s'ecialists, and researched by the !arch of Dimes% " redheaded girl from -rosse ointe fell in lo)e with me, not knowing what I was% 87er brother liked me, too%: "n army tank led me into urban battle once; a swimming 'ool turned me into myth; I+)e left my body in order to occu'y others<and all this ha''ened before I turned si3teen% =ut now, at the age of forty/one, I feel another birth coming on% "fter decades of neglect, I find myself thinking about de'arted great/aunts and <uncles, long/lost grandfathers, unknown fifth cousins, or, in the case of an inbred family like mine, all

those things in one% "nd so before it+s too late I want to get it down for good: this roller/coaster ride of a single gene through time% &ing now, 2 !use, of the recessi)e mutation on my fifth chromosome> &ing how it bloomed two and a half centuries ago on the slo'es of !ount 2lym'us, while the goats bleated and the oli)es dro''ed% &ing how it 'assed down through nine generations, gathering in)isibly within the 'olluted 'ool of the &te'hanides family% "nd sing how ro)idence, in the guise of a massacre, sent the gene flying again; how it blew like a seed across the sea to "merica, where it drifted through our industrial rains until it fell to earth in the fertile soil of my mother+s own midwestern womb% &orry if I get a little 7omeric at times% 4hat+s genetic, too% 4hree months before I was born, in the aftermath of one of our elaborate &unday dinners, my grandmother Desdemona &te'hanides ordered my brother to get her silkworm bo3% 6ha'ter ?le)en had been heading toward the kitchen for a second hel'ing of rice 'udding when she blocked his way% "t fifty/se)en, with her short, s@uat figure and intimidating hairnet, my grandmother was 'erfectly designed for blocking 'eo'le+s 'aths% =ehind her in the kitchen, the day+s large female contingent had congregated, laughing and whis'ering% Intrigued, 6ha'ter ?le)en leaned sideways to see what was going on, but Desdemona reached out and firmly 'inched his cheek% 7a)ing regained his attention, she sketched a rectangle in the air and 'ointed at the ceiling% 4hen, through her ill/fitting dentures, she said, ,-o for yia yia , dolly mou %1 6ha'ter ?le)en knew what to do% 7e ran across the hall into the li)ing room% 2n all fours he scrambled u' the formal staircase to the second floor% 7e raced 'ast the bedrooms along the u'stairs corridor% "t the far end was a nearly in)isible door, wall'a'ered o)er like the entrance to a secret 'assageway% 6ha'ter ?le)en located the tiny doorknob le)el with his head and, using all his strength, 'ulled it o'en% "nother set of stairs lay behind it% 9or a long moment my brother stared hesitantly into the darkness abo)e, before climbing, )ery slowly now, u' to the attic where my grand'arents li)ed% In sneakers he 'assed beneath the twel)e dam'ly news'a'ered birdcages sus'ended from the rafters% Aith a bra)e face he immersed himself in the sour odor of the 'arakeets, and in my grand'arents+ own 'articular aroma, a mi3ture of mothballs and hashish% 7e negotiated his way 'ast my grandfather+s book/'iled desk and his collection of rebetika records% 9inally, bum'ing into the leather ottoman and the circular coffee table made of brass, he found my grand'arents+ bed and, under it, the silkworm bo3% 6ar)ed from oli)ewood, a little bigger than a shoe bo3, it had a tin lid 'erforated by tiny airholes and inset with the icon of an unrecogni(able saint% 4he saint+s face had been rubbed off, but the fingers of his right hand were raised to bless a short, 'ur'le, terrifically self/confident/looking mulberry tree% "fter ga(ing awhile at this )i)id botanical 'resence, 6ha'ter ?le)en 'ulled the bo3 from under the bed and o'ened it% Inside were the two wedding crowns made from ro'e and, coiled like snakes, the two long braids of hair, each tied with a crumbling black ribbon% 7e 'oked one of the braids with his inde3 finger% Just then a 'arakeet s@uawked, making my brother Bum', and he closed the bo3, tucked it under his arm, and carried it downstairs to Desdemona% &he was still waiting in the doorway% 4aking the silkworm bo3 out of his hands, she turned back into the kitchen% "t this 'oint 6ha'ter ?le)en was granted a )iew of the room, where all the women now fell silent% 4hey mo)ed aside to let Desdemona 'ass and there, in the middle of the linoleum, was my mother% 4essie &te'hanides was leaning back in a kitchen chair, 'inned beneath the immense, drum/tight globe of her

'regnant belly% &he had a ha''y, hel'less e3'ression on her face, which was flushed and hot% Desdemona set the silkworm bo3 on the kitchen table and o'ened the lid% &he reached under the wedding crowns and the hair braids to come u' with something 6ha'ter ?le)en hadn+t seen: a sil)er s'oon% &he tied a 'iece of string to the s'oon+s handle% 4hen, stoo'ing forward, she dangled the s'oon o)er my mother+s swollen belly% "nd, by e3tension, o)er me% ;' until now Desdemona had had a 'erfect record: twenty/three correct guesses% &he+d known that 4essie was going to be 4essie% &he+d 'redicted the se3 of my brother and of all the babies of her friends at church% 4he only children whose genders she hadn+t di)ined were her own, because it was bad luck for a mother to 'lumb the mysteries of her own womb% 9earlessly, howe)er, she 'lumbed my mother+s% "fter some initial hesitation, the s'oon swung north to south, which meant that I was going to be a boy% &'lay/legged in the chair, my mother tried to smile% &he didn+t want a boy% &he had one already% In fact, she was so certain I was going to be a girl that she+d 'icked out only one name for me: 6allio'e% =ut when my grandmother shouted in -reek, ," boy>1 the cry went around the room, and out into the hall, and across the hall into the li)ing room where the men were arguing 'olitics% "nd my mother, hearing it re'eated so many times, began to belie)e it might be true% "s soon as the cry reached my father, howe)er, he marched into the kitchen to tell his mother that, this time at least, her s'oon was wrong% ,"nd how you know so muchD1 Desdemona asked him% 4o which he re'lied what many "mericans of his generation would ha)e: ,It+s science, !a%1 ?)er since they had decided to ha)e another child<the diner was doing well and 6ha'ter ?le)en was long out of dia'ers<!ilton and 4essie had been in agreement that they wanted a daughter% 6ha'ter ?le)en had Bust turned fi)e years old% 7e+d recently found a dead bird in the yard, bringing it into the house to show his mother% 7e liked shooting things, hammering things, smashing things, and wrestling with his father% In such a masculine household, 4essie had begun to feel like the odd woman out and saw herself in ten years+ time im'risoned in a world of hubca's and hernias% !y mother 'ictured a daughter as a counterinsurgent: a fellow lo)er of la'dogs, a seconder of 'ro'osals to attend the Ice 6a'ades% In the s'ring of 19.9, when discussions of my fertili(ation got under way, my mother couldn+t foresee that women would soon be burning their brassieres by the thousand% 7ers were 'added, stiff, fire/retardant% "s much as 4essie lo)ed her son, she knew there were certain things she+d be able to share only with a daughter% 2n his morning dri)e to work, my father had been seeing )isions of an irresistibly sweet, dark/eyed little girl% &he sat on the seat beside him<mostly during sto'lights< directing @uestions at his 'atient, all/knowing ear% ,Ahat do you call that thing, DaddyD1 ,4hatD 4hat+s the 6adillac seal%1 ,Ahat+s the 6adillac sealD1 ,Aell, a long time ago, there was a 9rench e3'lorer named 6adillac, and he was the one who disco)ered Detroit% "nd that seal was his family seal, from 9rance%1 ,Ahat+s 9ranceD1 ,9rance is a country in ?uro'e%1 ,Ahat+s ?uro'eD1 ,It+s a continent, which is like a great big 'iece of land, way, way bigger than a country% =ut 6adillacs don+t come from ?uro'e anymore, kukla % 4hey come from right here in the good old ;%&%"%1 4he light turned green and he dro)e on% =ut my 'rototy'e lingered% &he was there at the ne3t light and the ne3t% &o 'leasant was her com'any that my father, a man loaded with

initiati)e, decided to see what he could do to turn his )ision into reality% 4hus: for some time now, in the li)ing room where the men discussed 'olitics, they had also been discussing the )elocity of s'erm% eter 4atakis, ,;ncle ete,1 as we called him, was a leading member of the debating society that formed e)ery week on our black lo)e seats% " lifelong bachelor, he had no family in "merica and so had become attached to ours% ?)ery &unday he arri)ed in his wine/dark =uick, a tall, 'rune/faced, sad/seeming man with an incongruously )ital head of wa)y hair% 7e was not interested in children% " 'ro'onent of the -reat =ooks series<which he had read twice<;ncle ete was engaged with serious thought and Italian o'era% 7e had a 'assion, in history, for ?dward -ibbon, and, in literature, for the Bournals of !adame de &taFl% 7e liked to @uote that witty lady+s o'inion on the -erman language, which held that -erman wasn+t good for con)ersation because you had to wait to the end of the sentence for the )erb, and so couldn+t interru't% ;ncle ete had wanted to become a doctor, but the ,catastro'he1 had ended that dream% In the ;nited &tates, he+d 'ut himself through two years of chiro'ractic school, and now ran a small office in =irmingham with a human skeleton he was still 'aying for in installments% In those days, chiro'ractors had a somewhat dubious re'utation% eo'le didn+t come to ;ncle ete to free u' their kundalini% 7e cracked necks, straightened s'ines, and made custom arch su''orts out of foam rubber% &till, he was the closest thing to a doctor we had in the house on those &unday afternoons% "s a young man he+d had half his stomach surgically remo)ed, and now after dinner always drank a e'si/6ola to hel' digest his meal% 4he soft drink had been named for the digesti)e en(yme 'e'sin, he sagely told us, and so was suited to the task% It was this kind of knowledge that led my father to trust what ;ncle ete said when it came to the re'roducti)e timetable% 7is head on a throw 'illow, his shoes off, Madama utterfly softly 'laying on my 'arents+ stereo, ;ncle ete e3'lained that, under the microsco'e, s'erm carrying male chromosomes had been obser)ed to swim faster than those carrying female chromosomes% 4his assertion generated immediate merriment among the restaurant owners and fur finishers assembled in our li)ing room% !y father, howe)er, ado'ted the 'ose of his fa)orite 'iece of scul'ture, !he !hinker , a miniature of which sat across the room on the tele'hone table% 4hough the to'ic had been brought u' in the o'en/forum atmos'here of those 'ost'randial &undays, it was clear that, notwithstanding the im'ersonal tone of the discussion, the s'erm they were talking about was my father+s% ;ncle ete made it clear: to ha)e a girl baby, a cou'le should ,ha)e se3ual congress twenty/four hours 'rior to o)ulation%1 4hat way, the swift male s'erm would rush in and die off% 4he female s'erm, sluggish but more reliable, would arri)e Bust as the egg dro''ed% !y father had trouble 'ersuading my mother to go along with the scheme% 4essie Gi(mo had been a )irgin when she married !ilton &te'hanides at the age of twenty/two% 4heir engagement, which coincided with the &econd Aorld Aar, had been a chaste affair% !y mother was 'roud of the way she+d managed to simultaneously kindle and snuff my father+s flame, kee'ing him at a low burn for the duration of a global cataclysm% 4his hadn+t been all that difficult, howe)er, since she was in Detroit and !ilton was in "nna'olis at the ;%&% Ha)al "cademy% 9or more than a year 4essie lit candles at the -reek church for her fiancI, while !ilton ga(ed at her 'hotogra'hs 'inned o)er his bunk% 7e liked to 'ose 4essie in the manner of the mo)ie maga(ines, standing sideways, one high heel raised on a ste', an e3'anse of black stocking )isible% !y mother looks sur'risingly 'liable in those old sna'shots, as though she liked

nothing better than to ha)e her man in uniform arrange her against the 'orches and lam''osts of their humble neighborhood% &he didn+t surrender until after Ja'an had% 4hen, from their wedding night onward 8according to what my brother told my co)ered ears:, my 'arents made lo)e regularly and enBoyably% Ahen it came to ha)ing children, howe)er, my mother had her own ideas% It was her belief that an embryo could sense the amount of lo)e with which it had been created% 9or this reason, my father+s suggestion didn+t sit well with her% ,Ahat do you think this is, !ilt, the 2lym'icsD1 ,Ae were Bust s'eaking theoretically,1 said my father% ,Ahat does ;ncle ete know about ha)ing babiesD1 ,7e read this 'articular article in "cientific #merican ,1 !ilton said% "nd to bolster his case: ,7e+s a subscriber%1 ,*isten, if my back went out, I+d go to ;ncle ete% If I had flat feet like you do, I+d go% =ut that+s it%1 ,4his has all been )erified% ;nder the microsco'e% 4he male s'erms are faster%1 ,I bet they+re stu'ider, too%1 ,-o on% !align the male s'erms all you want% 9eel free% Ae don+t want a male s'erm% Ahat we want is a good old, slow, reliable female s'erm%1 ,?)en if it+s true, it+s still ridiculous% I can+t Bust do it like clockwork, !ilt%1 ,It+ll be harder on me than you%1 ,I don+t want to hear it%1 ,I thought you wanted a daughter%1 ,I do%1 ,Aell,1 said my father, ,this is how we can get one%1 4essie laughed the suggestion off% =ut behind her sarcasm was a serious moral reser)ation% 4o tam'er with something as mysterious and miraculous as the birth of a child was an act of hubris% In the first 'lace, 4essie didn+t belie)e you could do it% ?)en if you could, she didn+t belie)e you should try% 2f course, a narrator in my 'osition 8'refetal at the time: can+t be entirely sure about any of this% I can only e3'lain the scientific mania that o)ertook my father during that s'ring of +.9 as a sym'tom of the belief in 'rogress that was infecting e)eryone back then% 0emember, "putnik had been launched only two years earlier% olio, which had ke't my 'arents @uarantined indoors during the summers of their childhood, had been con@uered by the &alk )accine% eo'le had no idea that )iruses were cle)erer than human beings, and thought they+d soon be a thing of the 'ast% In that o'timistic, 'ostwar "merica, which I caught the tail end of, e)erybody was the master of his own destiny, so it only followed that my father would try to be the master of his% " few days after he had broached his 'lan to 4essie, !ilton came home one e)ening with a 'resent% It was a Bewelry bo3 tied with a ribbon% ,Ahat+s this forD1 4essie asked sus'iciously% ,Ahat do you mean, what is it forD1 ,It+s not my birthday% It+s not our anni)ersary% &o why are you gi)ing me a 'resentD1 ,Do I ha)e to ha)e a reason to gi)e you a 'resentD -o on% 2'en it%1 4essie crum'led u' one corner of her mouth, uncon)inced% =ut it was difficult to hold a Bewelry bo3 in your hand without o'ening it% &o finally she sli''ed off the ribbon and sna''ed the bo3 o'en% Inside, on black )el)et, was a thermometer%

," thermometer,1 said my mother% ,4hat+s not Bust any thermometer,1 said !ilton% ,I had to go to three different 'harmacies to find one of these%1 ," lu3ury model, huhD1 ,4hat+s right,1 said !ilton% ,4hat+s what you call a basal thermometer% It reads the tem'erature down to a tenth of a degree. 1 7e raised his eyebrows% ,Hormal thermometers only read e)ery two tenths% 4his one does it e)ery tenth% 4ry it out% ut it in your mouth%1 ,I don+t ha)e a fe)er,1 said 4essie% ,4his isn+t about a fe)er% Jou use it to find out what your base tem'erature is% It+s more accurate and 'recise than a regular fe)er/ty'e thermometer%1 ,He3t time bring me a necklace%1 =ut !ilton 'ersisted: ,Jour body tem'erature+s changing all the time, 4ess% Jou may not notice, but it is% Jou+re in constant flu3, tem'erature/wise% &ay, for instance1<a little cough<,you ha''en to be o)ulating% 4hen your tem'erature goes u'% &i3 tenths of a degree, in most case scenarios% How,1 my father went on, gaining steam, not noticing that his wife was frowning, ,if we were to im'lement the system we talked about the other day<Bust for instance, say<what you+d do is, first , establish your $ase temperature. It might not be ninety/eight 'oint si3% ?)erybody+s a little different% 4hat+s another thing I learned from ;ncle ete% "nyway, once you established your $ase temperature, then you+d look for that si3/tenths/degree rise% "nd that+s when, if we were to go through with this, that+s when we+d know to, you know, mi3 the cocktail%1 !y mother said nothing% &he only 'ut the thermometer into the bo3, closed it, and handed it back to her husband% ,2kay,1 he said% ,9ine% &uit yourself% Ae may get another boy% Humber two% If that+s the way you want it, that+s the way it+ll be%1 ,I+m not so sure we+re going to ha)e anything at the moment,1 re'lied my mother% !eanwhile, in the greenroom to the world, I waited% Hot e)en a gleam in my father+s eye yet 8he was staring gloomily at the thermometer case in his la':% How my mother gets u' from the so/called lo)e seat% &he heads for the stairway, holding a hand to her forehead, and the likelihood of my e)er coming to be seems more and more remote% How my father gets u' to make his rounds, turning out lights, locking doors% "s he climbs the stairway, there+s ho'e for me again% 4he timing of the thing had to be Bust so in order for me to become the 'erson I am% Delay the act by an hour and you change the gene selection% !y conce'tion was still weeks away, but already my 'arents had begun their slow collision into each other% In our u'stairs hallway, the "cro'olis nightlight is burning, a gift from Jackie 7alas, who owns a sou)enir sho'% !y mother is at her )anity when my father enters the bedroom% Aith two fingers she rubs Ho3(ema into her face, wi'ing it off with a tissue% !y father had only to say an affectionate word and she would ha)e forgi)en him% Hot me but somebody like me might ha)e been made that night% "n infinite number of 'ossible sel)es crowded the threshold, me among them but with no guaranteed ticket, the hours mo)ing slowly, the 'lanets in the hea)ens circling at their usual 'ace, weather coming into it, too, because my mother was afraid of thunderstorms and would ha)e cuddled against my father had it rained that night% =ut, no, clear skies held out, as did my 'arents+ stubbornness% 4he bedroom light went out% 4hey stayed on their own sides of the bed% "t last, from my mother, ,Hight%1 "nd

from my father, ,&ee you in the morning%1 4he moments that led u' to me fell into 'lace as though decreed% Ahich, I guess, is why I think about them so much% 4he following &unday, my mother took Desdemona and my brother to church% !y father ne)er went along, ha)ing become an a'ostate at the age of eight o)er the e3orbitant 'rice of )oti)e candles% *ikewise, my grandfather 'referred to s'end his mornings working on a modern -reek translation of the ,restored1 'oems of &a''ho% 9or the ne3t se)en years, des'ite re'eated strokes, my grandfather worked at a small desk, 'iecing together the legendary fragments into a larger mosaic, adding a stan(a here, a coda there, soldering an ana'est or an iamb% In the e)enings he 'layed his bordello music and smoked a hookah 'i'e% In 19.9, "ssum'tion -reek 2rthodo3 6hurch was located on 6harle)oi3% It was there that I would be ba'ti(ed less than a year later and would be brought u' in the 2rthodo3 faith% "ssum'tion, with its re)ol)ing chief 'riests, each sent to us )ia the atriarchate in 6onstantino'le, each arri)ing in the full beard of his authority, the embroidered )estments of his sanctity, but each wearying after a time<si3 months was the rule<because of the s@uabbling of the congregation, the 'ersonal attacks on the way he sang, the constant need to shush the 'arishioners who treated the church like the bleachers at 4iger &tadium, and, finally, the effort of deli)ering a sermon each week twice, first in -reek and then again in ?nglish% "ssum'tion, with its s'irited coffee hours, its bad foundation and roof leaks, its strenuous ethnic festi)als, its catechism classes where our heritage was briefly ke't ali)e in us before being allowed to die in the great dias'ora% 4essie and com'any ad)anced down the central aisle, 'ast the sand/filled trays of )oti)e candles% "bo)e, as big as a float in the !acy+s 4hanksgi)ing Day arade, was the 6hrist antocrator% 7e cur)ed across the dome like s'ace itself% ;nlike the suffering, earthbound 6hrists de'icted at eye le)el on the church walls, our 6hrist antocrator was clearly transcendent, all/'owerful, hea)en/bestriding% 7e was reaching down to the a'ostles abo)e the altar to 'resent the four rolled/u' shee'skins of the -os'els% "nd my mother, who tried all her life to belie)e in -od without e)er @uite succeeding, looked u' at him for guidance% 4he 6hrist antocrator+s eyes flickered in the dim light% 4hey seemed to suck 4essie u'ward% 4hrough the swirling incense, the &a)ior+s eyes glowed like tele)isions flashing scenes of recent e)entsK 9irst there was Desdemona the week before, gi)ing ad)ice to her daughter/in/law% ,Ahy you want more children, 4essieD1 she had asked with studied nonchalance% =ending to look in the o)en, hiding the alarm on her face 8an alarm that would go une3'lained for another si3teen years:, Desdemona wa)ed the idea away% ,!ore children, more trouble K1 He3t there was Dr% hilobosian, our elderly family 'hysician% Aith ancient di'lomas behind him, the old doctor ga)e his )erdict% ,Honsense% !ale s'erm swim fasterD *isten% 4he first 'erson who saw s'erm under a microsco'e was *eeuwenhoek% Do you know what they looked like to himD *ike worms K1 "nd then Desdemona was back, taking a different angle: ,-od decides what baby is% Hot you K1 4hese scenes ran through my mother+s mind during the interminable &unday ser)ice% 4he congregation stood and sat% In the front 'ew, my cousins, &ocrates, lato, "ristotle, and 6leo'atra, fidgeted% 9ather !ike emerged from behind the icon screen and swung his censer% !y mother tried to 'ray, but it was no use% &he barely sur)i)ed until coffee hour%

9rom the tender age of twel)e, my mother had been unable to start her day without the aid of at least two cu's of immoderately strong, tar/black, unsweetened coffee, a taste for which she had 'icked u' from the tugboat ca'tains and (ooty bachelors who filled the boardinghouse where she had grown u'% "s a high school girl, standing fi)e foot one inch tall, she had sat ne3t to auto workers at the corner diner, ha)ing coffee before her first class% Ahile they scanned the racing forms, 4essie finished her ci)ics homework% How, in the church basement, she told 6ha'ter ?le)en to run off and 'lay with the other children while she got a cu' of coffee to restore herself% &he was on her second cu' when a soft, womanly )oice sighed in her ear% ,-ood morning, 4essie%1 It was her brother/in/law, 9ather !ichael "ntoniou% ,7i, 9ather !ike% =eautiful ser)ice today,1 4essie said, and immediately regretted it% 9ather !ike was the assistant 'riest at "ssum'tion% Ahen the last 'riest had left, harangued back to "thens after a mere three months, the family had ho'ed that 9ather !ike might be 'romoted% =ut in the end another new, foreign/born 'riest, 9ather -regorios, had been gi)en the 'ost% "unt Go, who ne)er missed a chance to lament her marriage, had said at dinner in her comedienne+s )oice, ,!y husband% "lways the bridesmaid and ne)er the bride%1 =y com'limenting the ser)ice, 4essie hadn+t intended to com'liment 9ather -reg% 4he situation was made still more delicate by the fact that, years ago, 4essie and !ichael "ntoniou had been engaged to be married% How she was married to !ilton and 9ather !ike was married to !ilton+s sister% 4essie had come down to clear her head and ha)e her coffee and already the day was getting out of hand% 9ather !ike didn+t a''ear to notice the slight, howe)er% 7e stood smiling, his eyes gentle abo)e the roaring waterfall of his beard% " sweet/natured man, 9ather !ike was 'o'ular with church widows% 4hey liked to crowd around him, offering him cookies and bathing in his beatific essence% art of this essence came from 9ather !ike+s 'erfect contentment at being only fi)e foot four% 7is shortness had a charitable as'ect to it, as though he had gi)en away his height% 7e seemed to ha)e forgi)en 4essie for breaking off their engagement years ago, but it was always there in the air between them, like the talcum 'owder that sometimes 'uffed out of his clerical collar% &miling, carefully holding his coffee cu' and saucer, 9ather !ike asked,1&o, 4essie, how are things at homeD1 !y mother knew, of course, that as a weekly &unday guest at our house, 9ather !ike was fully informed about the thermometer scheme% *ooking in his eyes, she thought she detected a glint of amusement% ,Jou+re coming o)er to the house today,1 she said carelessly% ,Jou can see for yourself%1 ,I+m looking forward to it,1 said 9ather !ike% ,Ae always ha)e such interesting discussions at your house%1 4essie e3amined 9ather !ike+s eyes again but now they seemed full of genuine warmth% "nd then something ha''ened to take her attention away from 9ather !ike com'letely% "cross the room, 6ha'ter ?le)en had stood on a chair to reach the ta' of the coffee urn% 7e was trying to fill a coffee cu', but once he got the ta' o'en he couldn+t get it closed% &calding coffee 'oured out across the table% 4he hot li@uid s'lattered a girl who was standing nearby% 4he girl Bum'ed back% 7er mouth o'ened, but no sound came out% Aith great s'eed my mother ran across the room and whisked the girl into the ladies+ room%

Ho one remembers the girl+s name% &he didn+t belong to any of the regular 'arishioners% &he wasn+t e)en -reek% &he a''eared at church that one day and ne)er again, and seems to ha)e e3isted for the sole 'ur'ose of changing my mother+s mind% In the bathroom the girl held her steaming shirt away from her body while 4essie brought dam' towels% ,"re you okay, honeyD Did you get burnedD1 ,7e+s )ery clumsy, that boy,1 the girl said% ,7e can be% 7e gets into e)erything%1 ,=oys can be )ery obstre'erous%1 4essie smiled% ,Jou ha)e @uite a )ocabulary%1 "t this com'liment the girl broke into a big smile% , L2bstre'erous+ is my fa)orite word% !y brother is )ery obstre'erous% *ast month my fa)orite word was Lturgid%+ =ut you can+t use Lturgid+ that much% Hot that many things are turgid, when you think about it%1 ,Jou+re right about that,1 said 4essie, laughing% ,=ut obstre'erous is all o)er the 'lace%1 ,I couldn+t agree with you more,1 said the girl% 4wo weeks later% ?aster &unday, 19.9% 2ur religion+s adherence to the Julian calendar has once again left us out of sync with the neighborhood% 4wo &undays ago, my brother watched as the other kids on the block hunted multicolored eggs in nearby bushes% 7e saw his friends eating the heads off chocolate bunnies and tossing handfuls of Belly beans into ca)ity/rich mouths% 8&tanding at the window, my brother wanted more than anything to belie)e in an "merican -od who got resurrected on the right day%: 2nly yesterday was 6ha'ter ?le)en finally allowed to dye his own eggs, and then only in one color: red% "ll o)er the house red eggs gleam in lengthening, solstice rays% 0ed eggs fill bowls on the dining room table% 4hey hang from string 'ouches o)er doorways% 4hey crowd the mantel and are baked into loa)es of cruciform tsoureki % =ut now it is late afternoon; dinner is o)er% "nd my brother is smiling% =ecause now comes the one 'art of -reek ?aster he 'refers to egg hunts and Belly beans: the egg/cracking game% ?)eryone gathers around the dining table% =iting his li', 6ha'ter ?le)en selects an egg from the bowl, studies it, returns it% 7e selects another% ,4his looks like a good one,1 !ilton says, choosing his own egg% ,=uilt like a =rinks truck%1 !ilton holds his egg u'% 6ha'ter ?le)en 're'ares to attack% Ahen suddenly my mother ta's my father on the back% ,Just a minute, 4essie% Ae+re cracking eggs here%1 &he ta's him harder% ,AhatD1 ,!y tem'erature%1 &he 'auses% ,It+s u' si3 tenths%1 &he has been using the thermometer% 4his is the first my father has heard of it% ,HowD1 my father whis'ers% ,Jesus, 4essie, are you sureD1 ,Ho, I+m not sure% Jou told me to watch for any rise in my tem'erature and I+m telling you I+m u' si3 tenths of a degree%1 "nd, lowering her )oice, , lus it+s been thirteen days since my last you know what%1 ,6ome on, Dad,1 6ha'ter ?le)en 'leads% ,4ime out,1 !ilton says% 7e 'uts his egg in the ashtray% ,4hat+s my egg% Hobody touch it until I come back%1 ;'stairs, in the master bedroom, my 'arents accom'lish the act% " child+s natural decorum makes me refrain from imagining the scene in much detail% 2nly this: when they+re done, as if to''ing off the tank, my father says, ,4hat should do it%1 It turns out

10

he+s right% In !ay, 4essie learns she+s 'regnant, and the waiting begins% =y si3 weeks, I ha)e eyes and ears% =y se)en, nostrils, e)en li's% !y genitals begin to form% 9etal hormones, taking chromosomal cues, inhibit !Mllerian structures, 'romote Aolffian ducts% !y twenty/three 'aired chromosomes ha)e linked u' and crossed o)er, s'inning their roulette wheel, as my papou 'uts his hand on my mother+s belly and says, ,*ucky two>1 "rrayed in their regiments, my genes carry out their orders% "ll e3ce't two, a 'air of miscreants<or re)olutionaries, de'ending on your )iew<hiding out on chromosome number .% 4ogether, they si'hon off an en(yme, which sto's the 'roduction of a certain hormone, which com'licates my life% In the li)ing room, the men ha)e sto''ed talking about 'olitics and instead lay bets on whether !ilt+s new kid will be a boy or a girl% !y father is confident% 4wenty/four hours after the deed, my mother+s body tem'erature rose another two tenths, confirming o)ulation% =y then the male s'erm had gi)en u', e3hausted% 4he female s'erm, like tortoises, won the race% 8"t which 'oint 4essie handed !ilton the thermometer and told him she ne)er wanted to see it again%: "ll this led u' to the day Desdemona dangled a utensil o)er my mother+s belly% 4he sonogram didn+t e3ist at the time; the s'oon was the ne3t best thing% Desdemona crouched% 4he kitchen grew silent% 4he other women bit their lower li's, watching, waiting% 9or the first minute, the s'oon didn+t mo)e at all% Desdemona+s hand shook and, after long seconds had 'assed, "unt *ina steadied it% 4he s'oon twirled; I kicked; my mother cried out% "nd then, slowly, mo)ed by a wind no one felt, in that unearthly 2uiBa/board way, the sil)er s'oon began to mo)e, to swing, at first in a small circle but each orbit growing gradually more elli'tical until the 'ath flattened into a straight line 'ointing from o)en to ban@uette% Horth to south, in other words% Desdemona cried, %&oros'( "nd the room eru'ted with shouts of %&oros, koros.( 4hat night, my father said, ,4wenty/three in a row means she+s bound for a fall% 4his time, she+s wrong% 4rust me%1 ,I don+t mind if it+s a boy,1 my mother said% ,I really don+t% "s long as it+s healthy, ten fingers, ten toes%1 ,Ahat+s this Lit%+ 4hat+s my daughter you+re talking about%1 I was born a week after Hew Jear+s, on January 5, 1960% In the waiting room, su''lied only with 'ink/ribboned cigars, my father cried out, ,=ingo>1 I was a girl% Hineteen inches long% &e)en 'ounds four ounces% 4hat same January 5, my grandfather suffered the first of his thirteen strokes% "wakened by my 'arents rushing off to the hos'ital, he+d gotten out of bed and gone downstairs to make himself a cu' of coffee% "n hour later, Desdemona found him lying on the kitchen floor% 4hough his mental faculties remained intact, that morning, as I let out my first cry at Aomen+s 7os'ital, my papou lost the ability to s'eak% "ccording to Desdemona, my grandfather colla'sed right after o)erturning his coffee cu' to read his fortune in the grounds% Ahen he heard the news of my se3, ;ncle ete refused to acce't any congratulations% 4here was no magic in)ol)ed% ,=esides,1 he Boked, ,!ilt did all the work%1 Desdemona became grim% 7er "merican/born son had been 'ro)en right and, with this fresh defeat, the old country, in which she still tried to li)e des'ite its being four thousand miles and thirty/eight years away, receded one more notch% !y arri)al marked the end of her baby/guessing and the start of her husband+s long decline% 4hough the silkworm bo3 rea''eared now and then, the s'oon was no longer among its treasures%

11

I was e3tracted, s'anked, and hosed off, in that order% 4hey wra''ed me in a blanket and 'ut me on dis'lay among si3 other infants, four boys, two girls, all of them, unlike me, correctly tagged% 4his can+t be true but I remember it: s'arks slowly filling a dark screen% &omeone had switched on my eyes%

Matchmaking
Ahen this story goes out into the world, I may become the most famous herma'hrodite in history% 4here ha)e been others before me% "le3ina =arbin attended a girls+ boarding school in 9rance before becoming "bel% &he left behind an autobiogra'hy, which !ichel 9oucault disco)ered in the archi)es of the 9rench De'artment of ublic 7ygiene% 87er memoirs, which end shortly before her suicide, make unsatisfactory reading, and it was after finishing them years ago that I first got the idea to write my own%: -ottlieb -Nttlich, born in 1#95, li)ed as !arie 0osine until the age of thirty/three% 2ne day abdominal 'ains sent !arie to the doctor% 4he 'hysician checked for a hernia and found undescended testicles instead% 9rom then on, !arie donned men+s clothes, took the name of -ottlieb, and made a fortune tra)eling around ?uro'e, e3hibiting himself to medical men% "s far as the doctors are concerned, I+m e)en better than -ottlieb% 4o the e3tent that fetal hormones affect brain chemistry and histology, I+)e got a male brain% =ut I was raised as a girl% If you were going to de)ise an e3'eriment to measure the relati)e influences of nature )ersus nurture, you couldn+t come u' with anything better than my life% During my time at the 6linic nearly three decades ago, Dr% *uce ran me through a barrage of tests% I was gi)en the =enton Oisual 0etention 4est and the =ender Oisual/!otor -estalt 4est% !y )erbal IP was measured, and lots of other things, too% *uce e)en analy(ed my 'rose style to see if I wrote in a linear, masculine way, or in a circular, feminine one% "ll I know is this: des'ite my androgeni(ed brain, there+s an innate feminine circularity in the story I ha)e to tell% In any genetic history% I+m the final clause in a 'eriodic sentence, and that sentence begins a long time ago, in another language, and you ha)e to read it from the beginning to get to the end, which is my arri)al% "nd so now, ha)ing been born, I+m going to rewind the film, so that my 'ink blanket flies off, my crib scoots across the floor as my umbilical cord reattaches, and I cry out as I+m sucked back between my mother+s legs% &he gets really fat again% 4hen back some more as a s'oon sto's swinging and a thermometer goes back into its )el)et case% "putnik chases its rocket trail back to the launching 'ad and 'olio stalks the land% 4here+s a @uick shot of my father as a twenty/year/old clarinetist, 'laying an "rtie &haw number into the 'hone, and then he+s in church, age eight, being scandali(ed by the 'rice of candles; and ne3t my grandfather is unta'ing his first ;%&% dollar bill o)er a cash register in 19E1% 4hen we+re out of "merica com'letely; we+re in the middle of the ocean, the sound track sounding funny in re)erse% " steamshi' a''ears, and u' on deck a lifeboat is curiously rocking; but then the boat docks, stern first, and we+re u' on dry land again, where the film uns'ools, back at the beginningK

1C

***
In the late summer of 19CC, my grandmother Desdemona &te'hanides wasn+t 'redicting births but deaths, s'ecifically, her own% &he was in her silkworm cocoonery, high on the slo'e of !ount 2lym'us in "sia !inor, when her heart, without warning, missed a beat% It was a distinct sensation: she felt her heart sto' and s@uee(e into a ball% 4hen, as she stiffened, it began to race, thum'ing against her ribs% &he let out a small, astonished cry% 7er twenty thousand silkworms, sensiti)e to human emotion, sto''ed s'inning cocoons% &@uinting in the dim light, my grandmother looked down to see the front of her tunic )isibly fluttering; and in that instant, as she recogni(ed the insurrection inside her, Desdemona became what she+d remain for the rest of her life: a sick 'erson im'risoned in a healthy body% He)ertheless, unable to belie)e in her own endurance, des'ite her already @uieting heart, she ste''ed out of the cocoonery to take a last look at the world she wouldn+t be lea)ing for another fifty/eight years% 4he )iew was im'ressi)e% " thousand feet below lay the old 2ttoman ca'ital of =ursa, like a backgammon board s'read out across the )alley+s green felt% 0ed diamonds of roof tile fit into diamonds of whitewash% 7ere and there, the sultans+ tombs were stacked u' like bright chi's% =ack in 19CC, automobile traffic didn+t clog the streets% &ki lifts didn+t cut swaths into the mountain+s 'ine forests% !etallurgic and te3tile 'lants didn+t ring the city, filling the air with smog% =ursa looked<at least from a thousand feet u'<'retty much as it had for the 'ast si3 centuries, a holy city, necro'olis of the 2ttomans and center of the silk trade, its @uiet, declining streets abloom with minarets and cy'ress trees% 4he tiles of the -reen !os@ue had turned blue with age, but that was about it% Desdemona &te'hanides, howe)er, kibit(ing from afar, ga(ed down on the board and saw what the 'layers had missed% 4o 'sychoanaly(e my grandmother+s heart 'al'itations: they were the manifestations of grief% 7er 'arents were dead<killed in the recent war with the 4urks% 4he -reek "rmy, encouraged by the "llied Hations, had in)aded western 4urkey in 1919, reclaiming the ancient -reek territory in "sia !inor% "fter years of li)ing a'art u' on the mountain, the 'eo'le of =ithynios, my grandmother+s )illage, had emerged into the safety of the Megale )dea <the =ig Idea, the dream of -reater -reece% It was now -reek troo's who occu'ied =ursa% " -reek flag flew o)er the former 2ttoman 'alace% 4he 4urks and their leader, !ustafa Qemal, had retreated to "ngora in the east% 9or the first time in their li)es the -reeks of "sia !inor were out from under 4urkish rule% Ho longer were the giaours 8,infidel dogs1: forbidden to wear bright clothing or ride horses or use saddles% He)er again, as in the last centuries, would 2ttoman officials arri)e in the )illage e)ery year, carting off the strongest boys to ser)e in the Janissaries% How, when the )illage men took silk to market in =ursa, they were free -reeks, in a free -reek city% Desdemona, howe)er, mourning her 'arents, was still im'risoned by the 'ast% "nd so she stood on the mountain, looking down at the emanci'ated city, and felt cheated by her inability to feel ha''y like e)erybody else% Jears later, in her widowhood, when she+d s'end a decade in bed trying with great )itality to die, she would finally agree that those two years between wars a half century earlier had been the only decent time in her life; but by then e)eryone she+d known would be dead and she could only tell it to the tele)ision%

1E

9or the greater 'art of an hour Desdemona had been trying to ignore her foreboding by working in the cocoonery% &he+d come out the back door of the house, through the sweet/smelling gra'e arbor, and across the terraced yard into the low, thatch/roofed hut% 4he acrid, lar)al smell inside didn+t bother her% 4he silkworm cocoonery was my grandmother+s own 'ersonal, reeking oasis% "ll around her, in a firmament, soft white silkworms clung to bundled mulberry twigs% Desdemona watched them s'inning cocoons, mo)ing their heads as though to music% "s she watched, she forgot about the world outside, its changes and con)ulsions, its terrible new music 8which is about to be sung in a moment:% Instead she heard her mother, ?u'hrosyne &te'hanides, s'eaking in this )ery cocoonery years ago, elucidating the mysteries of silkworms<,4o ha)e good silk, you ha)e to be 'ure,1 she used to tell her daughter% ,4he silkworms know e)erything% Jou can always tell what somebody is u' to by the way their silk looks1<and so on, ?u'hrosyne gi)ing e3am'les<,!aria oulos, who+s always lifting her skirt for e)eryoneD 7a)e you seen her cocoonsD " stain for e)ery man% Jou should look ne3t time1<Desdemona only ele)en or twel)e and belie)ing e)ery word, so that now, as a young woman of twenty/one, she still couldn+t entirely disbelie)e her mother+s morality tales, and e3amined the cocoon constellations for a sign of her own im'urity 8the dreams she+d been ha)ing>:% &he looked for other things, too, because her mother also maintained that silkworms reacted to historical atrocities% "fter e)ery massacre, e)en in a )illage fifty miles away, the silkworms+ filaments turned the color of blood<,I+)e seen them bleed like the feet of 6hristos 7imself,1 ?u'hrosyne again, and her daughter, years later, remembering, s@uinting in the weak light to see if any cocoons had turned red% &he 'ulled out a tray and shook it; she 'ulled out another; and it was right then that she felt her heart sto', s@uee(e into a ball, and begin 'unching her from inside% &he dro''ed the tray, saw her tunic flutter from interior force, and understood that her heart o'erated on its own instructions, that she had no control o)er it or, indeed, o)er anything else% &o my yia yia , suffering the first of her imaginary diseases, stood looking down at =ursa, as though she might s'ot a )isible confirmation of her in)isible dread% "nd then it came from inside the house, by means of sound: her brother, ?leutherios 8,*efty1: &te'hanides, had begun to sing% In badly 'ronounced, meaningless ?nglish: ,?)+ry morning, e)+ry e)ening, ain+t we got fun,1 *efty sang, standing before their bedroom mirror as he did e)ery afternoon about this time, fastening the new celluloid collar to the new white shirt, s@uee(ing a dollo' of hair 'omade 8smelling of limes: into his 'alm and rubbing it into his new Oalentino haircut% "nd continuing: ,In the meantime, in/between time, ain+t we got fun%1 4he lyrics meant nothing to him, either, but the melody was enough% It s'oke to *efty of Ba((/age fri)olity, gin cocktails, cigarette girls; it made him slick his hair back with 'anache K while, out in the yard, Desdemona heard the singing and reacted differently% 9or her, the song conBured only the disre'utable bars her brother went to down in the city, those hash dens where they 'layed rebetika and "merican music and where there were loose women who sang K as *efty 'ut on his new stri'ed suit and folded the red 'ocket handkerchief that matched his red necktie K and she felt funny inside, es'ecially her stomach, which was roiled by com'licated emotions, sadness, anger, and something else she couldn+t name that hurt most of all% ,4he rent+s un'aid, dear, we ha)en+t a car,1 *efty crooned in the sweet tenor I would later inherit; and beneath the music Desdemona now heard her mother+s )oice again, ?u'hrosyne &te'hanides+ last words s'oken Bust before she died from a bullet wound, ,4ake care of *efty% romise me% 9ind him a wife>1 K and

1$

Desdemona, through her tears, re'lying, ,I 'romise% I 'romise>1 K these )oices all s'eaking at once in Desdemona+s head as she crossed the yard to go into the house% &he came through the small kitchen where she had dinner cooking 8for one: and marched straight into the bedroom she shared with her brother% 7e was still singing<,Hot much money, 2h> but honey1<fi3ing his cuff links, 'arting his hair; but then he looked u' and saw his sister<,"in+t we got1<and 'ianissimo now<,fun1<fell silent% 9or a moment, the mirror held their two faces% "t twenty/one, long before ill/fitting dentures and self/im'osed in)alidism, my grandmother was something of a beauty% &he wore her black hair in long braids 'inned u' under her kerchief% 4hese braids were not delicate like a little girl+s but hea)y and womanly, 'ossessing a natural 'ower, like a bea)er+s tail% Jears, seasons, and )arious weather had gone into the braids; and when she undid them at night they fell to her waist% "t 'resent, black silk ribbons were tied around the braids, too, making them e)en more im'osing, if you got to see them, which few 'eo'le did% Ahat was on )iew for general consum'tion was Desdemona+s face: her large, sorrowful eyes, her 'ale, candlelit com'le3ion% I should also mention, with the )estigial 'ang of a once flat/chested girl, Desdemona+s )olu'tuous figure% 7er body was a constant embarrassment to her% It was always announcing itself in ways she didn+t sanction% In church when she knelt, in the yard when she beat rugs, beneath the 'each tree when she 'icked fruit, Desdemona+s feminine elaborations esca'ed the constraints of her drab, confining clothes% "bo)e the Biggling of her body, her kerchief/framed face remained a'art, looking slightly scandali(ed at what her breasts and hi's were u' to% ?leutherios was taller and skinnier% In 'hotogra'hs from the time he looks like the underworld figures he idoli(ed, the thin mustachioed thie)es and gamblers who filled the seaside bars of "thens and 6onstantino'le% 7is nose was a@uiline, his eyes shar', the o)erall im'ression of his face hawk/like% Ahen he smiled, howe)er, you saw the softness in his eyes, which made it clear that *efty was in fact no gangster but the 'am'ered, bookish son of comfortably well/off 'arents% 4hat summer afternoon in 19CC, Desdemona wasn+t looking at her brother+s face% Instead her eyes mo)ed to the suit coat, to the gleaming hair, to the stri'ed trousers, as she tried to figure out what had ha''ened to him these 'ast few months% *efty was one year younger than Desdemona and she often wondered how she+d sur)i)ed those first twel)e months without him% 9or as long as she could remember he+d always been on the other side of the goat+s/hair blanket that se'arated their beds% =ehind the kelimi he 'erformed 'u''et shows, turning his hands into the cle)er, hunchbacked Qaraghio(is who always outwitted the 4urks% In the dark he made u' rhymes and sang songs, and one of the reasons she hated his new "merican music was that he sang it e3clusi)ely to himself% Desdemona had always lo)ed her brother as only a sister growing u' on a mountain could lo)e a brother: he was the whole entertainment, her best friend and confidant, her co/disco)erer of short cuts and monks+ cells% ?arly on, the emotional sym'athy she+d felt with *efty had been so absolute that she+d sometimes forgotten they were se'arate 'eo'le% "s kids they+d scrabbled down the terraced mountainside like a four/legged, two/headed creature% &he was accustomed to their &iamese shadow s'ringing u' against the whitewashed house at e)ening, and whene)er she encountered her solitary outline, it seemed cut in half% eacetime seemed to be changing e)erything% *efty had taken ad)antage of the new freedoms% In the last month he+d gone down to =ursa a total of se)enteen times% 2n three occasions he+d stayed o)ernight in the 6ocoon Inn across from the !os@ue of

1.

&ultan 2uhan% 7e+d left one morning dressed in boots, knee socks, breeches, doulamas , and )est and come back the following e)ening in a stri'ed suit, with a silk scarf tucked into his collar like an o'era singer and a black derby on his head% 4here were other changes% 7e+d begun to teach himself 9rench from a small, 'lum/colored 'hrase book% 7e+d 'icked u' affected gestures, 'utting his hands in his 'ockets and rattling change, for instance, or doffing his ca'% Ahen Desdemona did the laundry, she found scra's of 'a'er in *efty+s 'ockets, co)ered with mathematical figures% 7is clothes smelled musky, smoky, and sometimes sweet% How, in the mirror, their Boined faces couldn+t hide the fact of their growing se'aration% "nd my grandmother, whose constitutional gloom had broken out into full cardiac thunder, looked at her brother, as she once had her own shadow, and felt that something was missing% ,&o where are you going all dressed u'D1 ,Ahere do you think I+m goingD 4o the Qo(a 7an% 4o sell cocoons%1 ,Jou went yesterday%1 ,It+s the season%1 Aith a tortoiseshell comb *efty 'arted his hair on the right, adding 'omade to an unruly curl that refused to stay flat% Desdemona came closer% &he 'icked u' the 'omade and sniffed it% It wasn+t the smell on his clothes% ,Ahat else do you do down thereD1 ,Hothing%1 ,Jou stay all night sometimes%1 ,It+s a long tri'% =y the time I walk there, it+s late%1 ,Ahat are you smoking in those barsD1 ,Ahate)er+s in the hookah% It+s not 'olite to ask%1 ,If !other and 9ather knew you were smoking and drinking like this K1 &he trailed off% ,4hey don+t know, do theyD1 said *efty% ,&o I+m safe%1 7is light tone was uncon)incing% *efty acted as though he had reco)ered from their 'arents+ deaths, but Desdemona saw through this% &he smiled grimly at her brother and, without comment, held out her fist% "utomatically, while still admiring himself in the mirror, *efty made a fist, too% 4hey counted, ,2ne, two, three K shoot>1 ,0ock crushes snake% I win,1 said Desdemona% ,&o tell me%1 ,4ell you whatD1 ,4ell me what+s so interesting in =ursa%1 *efty combed his hair forward again and 'arted it on the left% 7e swi)eled his head back and forth in the mirror% ,Ahich looks betterD *eft or rightD1 ,*et me see%1 Desdemona raised her hand delicately to *efty+s hair<and mussed it% ,7ey>1 ,Ahat do you want in =ursaD1 ,*ea)e me alone%1 ,4ell me>1 ,Jou want to knowD1 *efty said, e3as'erated with his sister now% ,Ahat do you think I wantD1 7e s'oke with 'ent/u' force% ,I want a woman%1 Desdemona gri''ed her belly, 'atted her heart% &he took two ste's backward and from this )antage 'oint e3amined her brother anew% 4he idea that *efty, who shared her eyes and eyebrows, who sle't in the bed beside hers, could be 'ossessed by such a

16

desire had ne)er occurred to Desdemona before% 4hough 'hysically mature, Desdemona+s body was still a stranger to its owner% "t night, in their bedroom, she+d seen her slee'ing brother 'ress against his ro'e mattress as though angry with it% "s a child she+d come u'on him in the cocoonery, innocently rubbing against a wooden 'ost% =ut none of this had made an im'ression% ,Ahat are you doingD1 she+d asked *efty, eight or nine at the time, and gri''ing the 'ost, mo)ing his knees u' and down% Aith a steady, determined )oice, he+d answered, ,I+m trying to get that feeling%1 ,Ahat feelingD1 ,Jou know1<grunting, 'uffing, 'um'ing knees<,that feeling %1 =ut she didn+t know% It was still years before Desdemona, cutting cucumbers, would lean against the corner of the kitchen table and, without reali(ing it, would lean in a little harder, and after that would find herself taking u' that 'osition e)ery day, the table corner snug between her legs% How, 're'aring her brother+s meals, she sometimes struck u' her old ac@uaintance with the dining table, but she wasn+t conscious of it% It was her body that did it, with the cunning and silence of bodies e)erywhere% 7er brother+s tri's to the city were different% 7e knew what he was looking for, a''arently; he was in full communication with his body% 7is mind and body had become one entity, thinking one thought, bent on one obsession, and for the first time e)er Desdemona couldn+t read that thought% "ll she knew was that it had nothing to do with her% It made her mad% "lso, I sus'ect, a little Bealous% Aasn+t she his best friendD 7adn+t they always told each other e)erythingD Didn+t she do e)erything for him, cook, sew, and kee' house as their mother used toD Aasn+t she the one who had been taking care of the silkworms single/handedly so that he, her smart little brother, could take lessons from the 'riest, learning ancient -reekD 7adn+t she been the one to say, ,Jou take care of the books, I+ll take care of the cocoonery% "ll you ha)e to do is sell the cocoons at the market%1 "nd when he had started lingering down in the city, had she com'lainedD 7ad she mentioned the scra's of 'a'er, or his red eyes, or the musky/sweet smell on his clothesD Desdemona had a sus'icion that her dreamy brother had become a hashish smoker% Ahere there was rebetika music there was always hashish% *efty was dealing with the loss of their 'arents in the only way he could, by disa''earing in a cloud of hash smoke while listening to the absolutely saddest music in the world% Desdemona understood all this and so had said nothing% =ut now she saw that her brother was trying to esca'e his grief in a way she hadn+t e3'ected; and she was no longer content to be @uiet% ,Jou want a womanD1 Desdemona asked in an incredulous )oice% ,Ahat kind of womanD " 4urkish womanD1 *efty said nothing% "fter his outburst he had resumed combing his hair% ,!aybe you want a harem girl% Is that rightD Jou think I don+t know about those ty'es of loose girls, those poutanes D Jes, I do% I+m not so stu'id% Jou like a fat girl shaking her belly in your faceD Aith a Bewel in her fat bellyD Jou want one of thoseD *et me tell you something% Do you know why those 4urkish girls co)er their facesD Jou think it+s because of religionD Ho% It+s because otherwise no one can stand to look at them>1 "nd now she shouted, ,&hame on you, ?leutherios> Ahat+s the matter with youD Ahy don+t you get a girl from the )illageD1 It was at this 'oint that *efty, who was now brushing off his Backet, called his sister+s attention to something she was o)erlooking% ,!aybe you ha)en+t noticed,1 he

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said, ,but there aren+t any girls in this )illage%1 Ahich, in fact, was 'retty much the case% =ithynios had ne)er been a big )illage, but in 19CC it was smaller than e)er% eo'le had begun lea)ing in 191E, when the 'hyllo3era blight ruined the currants% 4hey had continued to lea)e during the =alkan Aars% *efty and Desdemona+s cousin, &ourmelina, had gone to "merica and was li)ing now in a 'lace called Detroit% =uilt along a gentle slo'e of the mountain, =ithynios wasn+t a 'recarious, cliffside sort of 'lace% It was an elegant, or at least harmonious, cluster of yellow stucco houses with red roofs% 4he grandest houses, of which there were two, had *ikma , enclosed bay windows that hung out o)er the street% 4he 'oorest houses, of which there were many, were essentially one/room kitchens% "nd then there were houses like Desdemona and *efty+s, with an o)erstuffed 'arlor, two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a backyard 'ri)y with a ?uro'ean toilet% 4here were no sho's in =ithynios, no 'ost office or bank, only a church and one ta)erna% 9or sho''ing you had to go into =ursa, walking first and then taking the horse/drawn streetcar% In 19CC there were barely a hundred 'eo'le li)ing in the )illage% 9ewer than half of those were women% 2f forty/se)en women, twenty/one were old ladies% "nother twenty were middle/aged wi)es% 4hree were young mothers, each with a daughter in dia'ers% 2ne was his sister% 4hat left two marriageable girls% Ahom Desdemona now rushed to nominate% ,Ahat do you mean there aren+t any girlsD Ahat about *ucille QafkalisD &he+s a nice girl% 2r Oictoria a''asD1 ,*ucille smells,1 *efty answered reasonably% ,&he bathes maybe once a year% 2n her name day% "nd OictoriaD1 7e ran a finger o)er his u''er li'% ,Oictoria has a mustache bigger than mine% I don+t want to share a ra(or with my wife%1 Aith that, he 'ut down his clothing brush and 'ut on his Backet% ,Don+t wait u',1 he said, and left the bedroom% ,-o>1 Desdemona called after him% ,&ee what I care% Just remember% Ahen your 4urkish wife takes off her mask, don+t come running back to the )illage>1 =ut *efty was gone% 7is footste's faded away% Desdemona felt the mysterious 'oison rising in her blood again% &he 'aid no attention% ,I don+t like eating alone>1 she shouted, to no one% 4he wind from the )alley had 'icked u', as it did e)ery afternoon% It blew through the o'en windows of the house% It rattled the latch on her ho'e chest and her father+s old worry beads lying on to'% Desdemona 'icked the beads u'% &he began to sli' them one by one through her fingers, e3actly as her father had done, and her grandfather, and her great/grandfather, 'erforming a family legacy of 'recise, codified, thorough worrying% "s the beads clicked together, Desdemona ga)e herself u' to them% Ahat was the matter with -odD Ahy had 7e taken her 'arents and left her to worry about her brotherD Ahat was she su''osed to do with himD ,&moking, drinking, and now worse> "nd where does he get the money for all his foolishnessD 9rom my cocoons, that+s how>1 ?ach bead sli''ing through her fingers was another resentment recorded and released% Desdemona, with her sad eyes, her face of a girl forced to grow u' too fast, worried with her beads like all the &te'hanides men before and after her 8right down to me, if I count:% &he went to the window and 'ut her head out, heard the wind rustling in the 'ine trees and the white birch% &he ke't counting her worry beads and, little by little, they did their Bob% &he felt better% &he decided to go on with her life% *efty wouldn+t come back tonight% Aho caredD Aho needed him anywayD It would be easier for her if he

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ne)er came back% =ut she owed it to her mother to see that he didn+t catch some shameful disease or, worse, run off with a 4urkish girl% 4he beads continued to dro', one by one, through Desdemona+s hands% =ut she was no longer counting her 'ains% Instead, the beads now summoned to her mind images in a maga(ine hidden in their father+s old desk% 2ne bead was a hairstyle% 4he ne3t bead was a silk sli'% 4he ne3t was a black brassiere% !y grandmother had begun to matchmake% *efty, meanwhile, carrying a sack of cocoons, was on his way down the mountain% Ahen he reached the city, he came down Qa'ali 6arsi 6addesi, turned at =orsa &okak, and soon was 'assing through the arch into the courtyard of the Qo(a 7an% Inside, around the a@uamarine fountain, hundreds of stiff, waist/high sacks foamed o)er with silkworm cocoons% !en crowded e)erywhere, either selling or buying% 4hey had been shouting since the o'ening bell at ten that morning and their )oices were hoarse% ,-ood 'rice> -ood @uality>1 *efty s@uee(ed through the narrow 'aths between the cocoons, holding his own sack% 7e had ne)er had any interest in the family li)elihood% 7e couldn+t Budge silkworm cocoons by feeling or sniffing them as his sister could% 4he only reason he brought the cocoons to market was that women were not allowed% 4he Bostling, the bum'ing of 'orters and sideste''ing of sacks made him tense% 7e thought how nice it would be if e)eryone would Bust sto' mo)ing a moment, if they would stand still to admire the luminosity of the cocoons in the e)ening light; but of course no one e)er did% 4hey went on yelling and thrusting cocoons in one another+s faces and lying and haggling% *efty+s father had lo)ed market season at the Qo(a 7an, but the mercantile im'ulse hadn+t been 'assed down to his son% Hear the co)ered 'ortico *efty saw a merchant he knew% 7e 'resented his sack% 4he merchant reached dee' into it and brought out a cocoon% 7e di''ed it into a bowl of water and then e3amined it% 4hen he di''ed it into a cu' of wine% ,I need to make organ(ine from these% 4hey+re not strong enough%1 *efty didn+t belie)e this% Desdemona+s silk was always the best% 7e knew that he was su''osed to shout, to act offended, to 'retend to take his business elsewhere% =ut he had gotten such a late start; the closing bell was about to sound% 7is father had always told him not to bring cocoons late in the day because then you had to sell them at a discount% *efty+s skin 'rickled under his new suit% 7e wanted the transaction to be o)er% 7e was filled with embarrassment: embarrassment for the human race, its 'reoccu'ation with money, its lo)e of swindle% Aithout 'rotest he acce'ted the man+s 'rice% "s soon as the deal was com'leted he hurried out of the Qo(a 7an to attend to his real business in town% It wasn+t what Desdemona thought% Aatch closely: *efty, setting his derby at a rakish angle, walks down the slo'ing streets of =ursa% Ahen he 'asses a coffee kiosk, howe)er, he doesn+t go in% 4he 'ro'rietor hails him, but *efty only wa)es% In the ne3t street he 'asses a window behind whose shutters female )oices call out, but he 'ays no attention, following the meandering streets 'ast fruit sellers and restaurants until he reaches another street where he enters a church% !ore 'recisely: a former mos@ue, with minaret torn down and Qoranic inscri'tions 'lastered o)er to 'ro)ide a fresh can)as for the 6hristian saints that are, e)en now, being 'ainted on the interior% *efty hands a coin to the old lady selling candles, lights one, stands it u'right in sand% 7e takes a seat in a back 'ew% "nd in the same way my mother will later 'ray for guidance o)er my conce'tion, *efty &te'hanides, my great/uncle 8among other things: ga(es u' at the unfinished 6hrist antocrator on the ceiling% 7is 'rayer begins with words he learned as a child, &yrie eleison, &yrie eleison, ) am not worthy to come $efore !hy throne , but

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soon it )eers off, becoming 'ersonal with ) don+t know why ) feel this way, it+s not natural K and then turning a little accusatory, 'raying You made me this way, ) didn+t ask to think things like K but getting abBect finally with Gi,e me strength, -hristos, don+t let me $e this way, if she e,en knew K eyes s@uee(ed shut, hands bending the derby+s brim, the words drifting u' with the incense toward a 6hrist/in/'rogress% 7e 'rayed for fi)e minutes% 4hen came out, re'laced his hat on his head, and rattled the change in his 'ockets% 7e climbed back u' the slo'ing streets and, this time 8his heart unburdened:, sto''ed at all the 'laces he+d resisted on his way down% 7e ste''ed into a kiosk for coffee and a smoke% 7e went to a cafI for a glass of ou(o% 4he backgammon 'layers shouted, ,7ey, Oalentino, how about a gameD1 7e let himself get caBoled into 'laying, Bust one, then lost and had to go double or nothing% 84he calculations Desdemona found in *efty+s 'ants 'ockets were gambling debts%: 4he night wore on% 4he ou(o ke't flowing% 4he musicians arri)ed and the rebetika began% 4hey 'layed songs about lust, death, 'rison, and life on the street% ,"t the hash den on the seashore, where I+d go e)ery day,1 *efty sang along, ,?)ery morning, bright and early, to chase the blues away; I ran into two harem girls sitting on the sand; Puite stoned the 'oor things were, and they were really looking grand%1 !eanwhile, the hookah was being filled% =y midnight, *efty came floating back onto the streets% "n alley descends, turns, dead/ends% " door o'ens% " face smiles, beckoning% 4he ne3t thing *efty knows, he+s sharing a sofa with three -reek soldiers, looking across at se)en 'lum', 'erfumed women sharing two sofas o''osite% 8" 'honogra'h 'lays the hit song that+s 'laying e)erywhere: ,?)+ry morning, e)+ry e)ening K1: "nd now his recent 'rayer is forgotten com'letely because as the madam says, ,"nyone you like, sweetheart,1 *efty+s eyes 'ass o)er the blond, blue/eyed 6ircassian, and the "rmenian girl suggesti)ely eating a 'each, and the !ongolian with the bangs; his eyes kee' scanning to fi3 on a @uiet girl at the end of the far couch, a sad/eyed girl with 'erfect skin and black hair in braids% 8,4here+s a scabbard for e)ery dagger,1 the madam says in 4urkish as the whores laugh%: ;nconscious of the workings of his attraction, *efty stands u', smooths his Backet, holds out his hand toward his choice K and only as she leads him u' the stairs does a )oice in his head 'oint out how this girl comes u' to e3actly where K and isn+t her 'rofile Bust like K but now they+)e reached the room with its unclean sheets, its blood/colored oil lam', its smell of rose water and dirty feet% In the into3ication of his young senses *efty doesn+t 'ay attention to the growing similarities the girl+s disrobing re)eals% 7is eyes take in the large breasts, the slim waist, the hair cascading down to the defenseless coccy3; but *efty doesn+t make connections% 4he girl fills a hookah for him% &oon he drifts off, no longer hearing the )oice in his head% In the soft hashish dream of the ensuing hours, he loses sense of who he is and who he+s with% 4he limbs of the 'rostitute become those of another woman% " few times he calls out a name, but by then he is too stoned to notice% 2nly later, showing him out, does the girl bring him back to reality% ,=y the way, I+m Irini% Ae don+t ha)e a Desdemona here%1 4he ne3t morning he awoke at the 6ocoon Inn, awash in recriminations% 7e left the city and climbed back u' the mountain to =ithynios% 7is 'ockets 8em'ty: made no sound% 7ung o)er and fe)erish, *efty told himself that his sister was right: it was time for him to get married% 7e would marry *ucille, or Oictoria% 7e would ha)e children and sto' going down to =ursa and little by little he+d change; he+d get older; e)erything he felt now would fade into memory and then into nothing% 7e nodded his head; he fi3ed his hat%

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=ack in =ithynios, Desdemona was gi)ing those two beginners finishing lessons% Ahile *efty was still slee'ing it off at the 6ocoon Inn, she in)ited *ucille Qafkalis and Oictoria a''as o)er to the house% 4he girls were e)en younger than Desdemona, still li)ing at home with their 'arents% 4hey looked u' to Desdemona as the mistress of her own home% ?n)ious of her beauty, they ga(ed admiringly at her; flattered by her attentions, they confided in her; and when she began to gi)e them ad)ice on their looks, they listened% &he told *ucille to wash more regularly and suggested she use )inegar under her arms as an anti'ers'irant% &he sent Oictoria to a 4urkish woman who s'eciali(ed in remo)ing unwanted hair% 2)er the ne3t week, Desdemona taught the girls e)erything she+d learned from the only beauty maga(ine she+d e)er seen, a tattered catalogue called .ingerie Parisienne. 4he catalogue had belonged to her father% It contained thirty/two 'ages of 'hotogra'hs showing models wearing brassieres, corsets, garter belts, and stockings% "t night, when e)eryone was slee'ing, her father used to take it out of the bottom drawer of his desk% How Desdemona studied the catalogue in secret, memori(ing the 'ictures so that she could re/create them later% &he told *ucille and Oictoria to sto' by e)ery afternoon% 4hey walked into the house, swaying their hi's as instructed, and 'assed through the gra'e arbor where *efty liked to read% 4hey wore a different dress each time% 4hey also changed their hairstyles, walks, Bewelry, and mannerisms% ;nder Desdemona+s direction, the two drab girls multi'lied themsel)es into a small city of women, each with a signature laugh, a 'ersonal gemstone, a fa)orite song she hummed% "fter two weeks, Desdemona went out to the gra'e arbor one afternoon and asked her brother, ,Ahat are you doing hereD Ahy aren+t you down in =ursaD I thought you+d ha)e found a nice 4urkish girl to marry by now% 2r do they all ha)e mustaches like Oictoria+sD1 ,9unny you should mention that,1 *efty said% ,7a)e you noticedD Oicky doesn+t ha)e a mustache anymore% "nd do you know what elseD1<getting u' now, smiling<,e)en *ucille+s starting to smell okay% ?)ery time she comes o)er, I smell flowers%1 87e was lying, of course% Heither girl looked or smelled more a''ealing to him than before% 7is enthusiasm was only his way of gi)ing in to the ine)itable: an arranged marriage, domesticity, children<the com'lete disaster%: 7e came u' close to Desdemona% ,Jou were right,1 he said% ,4he most beautiful girls in the world are right here in this )illage%1 &he looked shyly back u' into his eyes% ,Jou think soD1 ,&ometimes you don+t e)en notice what+s right under your nose%1 4hey stood ga(ing at each other, as Desdemona+s stomach began to feel funny again% "nd to e3'lain the sensation I ha)e to tell you another story% In his 'residential address at the annual con)ention of the &ociety for the &cientific &tudy of &e3uality in 1965 8held that year in !a(atlRn among lots of suggesti)e 'iSatas:, Dr% *uce introduced the conce't of ,'eri'hescence%1 4he word itself means nothing; *uce made it u' to a)oid any etymological associations% 4he state of 'eri'hescence, howe)er, is well known% It denotes the first fe)er of human 'air bonding% It causes giddiness, elation, a tickling on the chest wall, the urge to climb a balcony on the ro'e of the belo)ed+s hair% eri'hescence denotes the initial drugged and ha''y bedtime where you sniff your lo)er like a scented 'o''y for hours running% 8It lasts, *uce e3'lained, u' to two years< to's%: 4he ancients would ha)e e3'lained what Desdemona was feeling as the workings of ?ros% How e3'ert o'inion would 'ut it down to brain chemistry and e)olution% &till, I ha)e to insist: to Desdemona 'eri'hescence felt like a lake of warmth flooding u' from her abdomen and across her chest% It s'read like the 150/'roof, fiery flood of a

C1

mint/green 9innish li@ueur% Aith the 'um'ing of two efficient glands in her neck, it heated her face% "nd then the warmth got other ideas and started s'reading into 'laces a girl like Desdemona didn+t allow it to go, and she broke off the stare and turned away% &he walked to the window, lea)ing the 'eri'hescence behind, and the bree(e from the )alley cooled her down% ,I will s'eak to the girls+ 'arents,1 she said, trying to sound like her mother% ,4hen you must go 'ay court%1 4he ne3t night, the moon, like 4urkey+s future flag, was a crescent% Down in =ursa the -reek troo's scrounged for food, caroused, and shot u' another mos@ue% In "ngora, !ustafa Qemal let it be 'rinted in the news'a'er that he would be holding a tea at 6hankaya while in actuality he+d left for his head@uarters in the field% Aith his men, he drank the last raki he+d take until the battle was o)er% ;nder co)er of night, 4urkish troo's mo)ed not north toward ?skisTehir, as e)eryone e3'ected, but to the hea)ily fortified city of "fyon in the south% "t ?skisTehir, 4urkish troo's lit cam'fires to e3aggerate their strength% " small di)ersionary force feinted northward toward =ursa% "nd, amid these de'loyments, *efty &te'hanides, carrying two corsages, ste''ed out the front door of his house and began walking to the house where Oictoria a''as li)ed% It was an e)ent on the le)el of a birth or a death% ?ach of the nearly hundred citi(ens of =ithynios had heard about *efty+s u'coming )isits, and the old widows, the married women, and the young mothers, as well as the old men, were waiting to see which girl he would choose% =ecause of the small 'o'ulation, the old courting rituals had nearly ceased% 4his lack of romantic 'ossibility had created a )icious cycle% Ho one to lo)e: no lo)e% Ho lo)e: no babies% Ho babies: no one to lo)e% Oictoria a''as stood half in and half out of the light, the shading across her body e3actly that of the 'hotogra'h on 'age 5 of .ingerie Parisienne. Desdemona 8costume lady, stage manager, and director all in one: had 'inned u' Oictoria+s hair, letting ringlets fall o)er her forehead and warning her to kee' her biggish nose in shadow% erfumed, de'ilated, moist with emollients, wearing kohl around her eyes, Oictoria let *efty look u'on her% &he felt the heat of his ga(e, heard his hea)y breathing, heard him try to s'eak twice<small s@ueaks from a dry throat<and then she heard his feet coming toward her, and she turned, making the face Desdemona had taught her; but she was so distracted by the effort to 'out her li's like the 9rench lingerie model that she didn+t reali(e the footste's weren+t a''roaching but retreating; and she turned to see that *efty &te'hanides, the only eligible bachelor in town, had taken offK K!eanwhile, back at home, Desdemona o'ened her ho'e chest% &he reached in and 'ulled out her own corset% 7er mother had gi)en it to her years ago in e3'ectation of her wedding night, saying, ,I ho'e you fill this out someday%1 How, before the bedroom mirror, Desdemona held the strange, com'licated garment against herself% Down went her knee socks, her gray underwear% 2ff came her high/waisted skirt, her high/collared tunic% &he shook off her kerchief and unbraided her hair so that it fell o)er her bare shoulders% 4he corset was made of white silk% "s she 'ut it on, Desdemona felt as though she were s'inning her own cocoon, awaiting metamor'hosis% =ut when she looked in the mirror again, she caught herself% It was no use% &he would ne)er get married% *efty would come back tonight ha)ing chosen a bride, and then he would bring her home to li)e with them% Desdemona would stay where she was, clicking her beads and growing e)en older than she already felt% " dog howled% &omeone in the )illage kicked o)er a bundle of sticks and cursed% "nd my grandmother we't silently because she was going to s'end the rest of her days counting worries that

CC

ne)er went awayK KAhile in the meantime *ucille Qafkalis was standing e3actly as she+d been told, half in and half out of the light, wearing a white hat sashed with glass cherries, a mantilla o)er bare shoulders, a bright green, dIcolletI dress, and high heels, in which she didn+t mo)e for fear of falling% 7er fat mother waddled in, grinning and shouting, ,7ere he comes> ?)en one minute he couldn+t stay with Oictoria>1K K"lready he could smell the )inegar% *efty had Bust entered the low doorway of the Qafkalis house% *ucille+s father welcomed him, then said, ,Ae+ll lea)e you two alone% 4o get ac@uainted%1 4he 'arents left% It was dim in the room% *efty turned K and dro''ed another corsage% Ahat Desdemona hadn+t antici'ated: her brother, too, had 'ored o)er the 'ages of .ingerie Parisienne. In fact, he+d done it from the time he turned twel)e to the time he turned fourteen, when he disco)ered the real loot: ten 'ostcard/si(ed 'hotogra'hs, hidden in an old suitcase, showing ,&ermin, -irl of the leasure Dome,1 in which a bored, 'ear/sha'ed twenty/fi)e/year/old assumed a )ariety of 'ositions on the tasseled 'illows of a staged seraglio% 9inding her in the toiletries 'ocket was like rubbing a genie+s lam'% ;' she swirled in a 'lume of shining dust: wearing nothing but a 'air of "rabian Hights sli''ers and a sash around her waist 8flash:; lying languidly on a tiger skin, fondling a scimitar 8flash:; and bathing, lattice/lit, at a marble hammam% 4hose ten se'ia/toned 'hotogra'hs were what had started *efty+s fascination with the city% =ut he had ne)er entirely forgotten his first lo)es in .ingerie Parisienne. 7e could summon them in his imagination at will% Ahen he had seen Oictoria a''as looking like 'age 5, what had struck *efty most acutely was the distance between her and his boyhood ideal% 7e tried to imagine himself married to Oictoria, li)ing with her, but e)ery image that came to mind had a ga'ing em'tiness at the center, the lack of the 'erson he lo)ed more and knew better than any other% "nd so he had fled from Oictoria a''as to come down the street and find *ucille Qafkalis, Bust as disa''ointingly, failing to li)e u' to 'age CCK K"nd now it ha''ens% Desdemona, wee'ing, takes off the corset, folds it back u', and returns it to the ho'e chest% &he throws herself on the bed, *efty+s bed, to continue crying% 4he 'illow smells of his lime 'omade and she breathes it in, sobbingK Kuntil, drugged by wee'ing+s o'iates, she falls aslee'% &he dreams the dream she+s been ha)ing lately% In the dream e)erything+s the way it used to be% &he and *efty are children again 8e3ce't they ha)e adult bodies:% 4hey+re lying in the same bed 8e3ce't now it+s their 'arents+ bed:% 4hey shift their limbs in slee' 8and it feels e3tremely nice, how they shift, and the bed is wet: K at which 'oint Desdemona wakes u', as usual% 7er face is hot% 7er stomach feels funny, way dee' down, and she can almost name the feeling nowK K"s I sit here in my "eron chair, thinking ?% 2% Ailson thoughts% Aas it lo)e or re'roductionD 6hance or destinyD 6rime or nature at workD !aybe the gene contained an o)erride, ensuring its e3'ression, which would e3'lain Desdemona+s tears and *efty+s taste in 'rostitutes; not fondness, not emotional sym'athy; only the need for this new thing to enter the world and hence the heart+s rigged game% =ut I can+t e3'lain it, any more than Desdemona or *efty could ha)e, any more than each one of us, falling in lo)e, can se'arate the hormonal from what feels di)ine, and maybe I cling to the -od business out of some altruism hard/wired to 'reser)e the s'ecies; I can+t say% I try to go back in my mind to a time before genetics, before e)eryone was in the habit of saying about e)erything, ,It+s in the genes%1 " time before our 'resent freedom, and so much

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freer> Desdemona had no idea what was ha''ening% &he didn+t en)ision her insides as a )ast com'uter code, all 1s and 0s, an infinity of se@uences, any one of which might contain a bug% How we know we carry this ma' of oursel)es around% ?)en as we stand on the street corner, it dictates our destiny% It brings onto our faces the same wrinkles and age s'ots our 'arents had% It makes us sniff in idiosyncratic, recogni(able family ways% -enes embedded so dee' they control our eye muscles, so that two sisters ha)e that same way of blinking, and boy twins dribble in unison% I feel myself sometimes, in an3ious moods, 'laying with the cartilage of my nose e3actly as my brother does% 2ur throats and )oice bo3es, formed from the same instructions, 'ress air out in similar tones and decibels% "nd this can be e3tra'olated backward in time, so that when I s'eak, Desdemona s'eaks, too% &he+s writing these words now% Desdemona, who had no idea of the army inside her, carrying out its million orders, or of the one soldier who disobeyed, going "A2*K K0unning like *efty away from *ucille Qafkalis and back to his sister% &he heard his feet hurrying as she was refastening her skirt% &he wi'ed her eyes with her kerchief and 'ut a smile on as he came through the door% ,&o, which one did you chooseD1 *efty said nothing, ins'ecting his sister% 7e hadn+t shared a bedroom with her all his life not to be able to tell when she+d been crying% 7er hair was loose, co)ering most of her face, but the eyes that looked u' at him were brimming with feeling% ,Heither one,1 he said% "t that Desdemona felt tremendous ha''iness% =ut she said, ,Ahat+s the matter with youD Jou ha)e to choose%1 ,4hose girls look like a cou'le of whores%1 ,*efty>1 ,It+s true%1 ,Jou don+t want to marry themD1 ,Ho%1 ,Jou ha)e to%1 &he held out her fist% ,If I win, you marry *ucille%1 *efty, who could ne)er resist a bet, made a fist himself% ,2ne, two, three K shoot> ,"3 breaks rock,1 *efty said% ,I win%1 ,"gain,1 said Desdemona% ,4his time, if I win, you marry Oicky% 2ne, two, three K1 ,&nake swallows a3% I win again> &o long to Oicky%1 ,4hen who will you marryD1 ,I don+t know1<taking her hands and looking down at her% ,7ow about youD1 ,4oo bad I+m your sister%1 ,Jou+re not only my sister% Jou+re my third cousin, too% 4hird cousins can marry%1 ,Jou+re cra(y, *efty%1 ,4his way will be easier% Ae won+t ha)e to rearrange the house%1 Joking but not Boking, Desdemona and *efty embraced% "t first they Bust hugged in the standard way, but after ten seconds the hug began to change; certain 'ositions of the hands and strokings of the fingers weren+t the usual dis'lays of sibling affection, and these things constituted a language of their own, announced a whole new message in the silent room% *efty began walt(ing Desdemona around, ?uro'ean/style; he walt(ed her outside, across the yard, o)er to the cocoonery, and back under the gra'e

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arbor, and she laughed and co)ered her mouth with her hand% ,Jou+re a good dancer, cousin,1 she said, and her heart Bum'ed again, making her think she might die right then and there in *efty+s arms, but of course she didn+t; they danced on% "nd let+s not forget where they were dancing, in =ithynios, that mountain )illage where cousins sometimes married third cousins and e)eryone was somehow related; so that as they danced, they started holding each other more tightly, sto''ed Boking, and then Bust danced together, as a man and a woman, in lonely and 'ressing circumstances, might sometimes do% "nd in the middle of this, before anything had been said outright or any decisions made 8before fire would make those decisions for them:, right then, mid/walt(, they heard e3'losions in the distance, and looked down to see, in firelight, the -reek "rmy in full retreat%

n !mmodest "roposal
Descended from "sia !inor -reeks, born in "merica, I li)e in ?uro'e now% &'ecifically, in the &chNneberg district of =erlin% 4he 9oreign &er)ice is s'lit into two 'arts, the di'lomatic cor's and the cultural staff% 4he ambassador and his aides conduct foreign 'olicy from the newly o'ened, e3tensi)ely barricaded embassy on HeustUdtische Qirchstrasse% 2ur de'artment 8in charge of readings, lectures, and concerts: o'erates out of the colorful concrete bo3 of "merika 7aus% 4his morning I took the train to work as usual% 4he ;/=ahn carried me gently west from Qleist'ark to =erliner &trasse and then, after a switch, northward toward Goologischer -arten% &tations of the former Aest =erlin 'assed one after another% !ost were last remodeled in the se)enties and ha)e the colors of suburban kitchens from my childhood: a)ocado, cinnamon, sunflower yellow% "t &'ichernstrasse the train halted to conduct an e3change of bodies% 2ut on the 'latform a street musician 'layed a teary &la)ic melody on an accordion% Aing ti's gleaming, my hair still dam', I was fli''ing through the Frankfurter #llgemeine when she rolled her unthinkable bicycle in% Jou used to be able to tell a 'erson+s nationality by the face% Immigration ended that% He3t you discerned nationality )ia the footwear% -lobali(ation ended that% 4hose 9innish seal 'u''ies, those -erman flounders<you don+t see them much anymore% 2nly Hikes, on =as@ue, on Dutch, on &iberian feet% 4he bicyclist was "sian, at least genetically% 7er black hair was cut in a shag% &he was wearing a short oli)e green windbreaker, flared black ski 'ants, and a 'air of maroon 6am'ers resembling bowling shoes% 4he basket of her bike contained a camera bag% I had a hunch she was "merican% It was the retro bike% 6hrome and tur@uoise, it had fenders as wide as a 6he)rolet+s, tires as thick as a wheelbarrow+s, and a''eared to weigh at least a hundred 'ounds% "n e3'atriate+s whim, that bike% I was about to use it as a 'rete3t for starting a con)ersation when the train sto''ed again% 4he bicyclist looked u'% 7er hair fell away from her beautiful, hooded face and, for a moment, our eyes met% 4he 'lacidity of her countenance along with the smoothness of her skin made her face a''ear like a mask, with li)ing, human eyes behind it% 4hese eyes now darted away from mine as she gras'ed the handlebars of her bike and 'ushed her great two/wheeler off the train and toward the ele)ators% 4he ;/=ahn resumed, but I was no longer reading% I sat in my seat, in a state of )olu'tuous agitation, of agitated

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)olu'tuousness, until my sto'% 4hen I staggered out% ;nbuttoning my suit Backet, I took a cigar from the inner 'ocket of my coat% 9rom a still smaller 'ocket I took out my cigar cutter and matches% 4hough it wasn+t after dinner, I lit the cigar<a Da)idoff -rand 6ru Ho% E<and stood smoking, trying to calm myself% 4he cigars, the double/breasted suits<they+re a little too much% I+m well aware of that% =ut I need them% 4hey make me feel better% "fter what I+)e been through, some o)ercom'ensation is to be e3'ected% In my bes'oke suit, my checked shirt, I smoked my medium/fat cigar until the fire in my blood subsided% &omething you should understand: I+m not androgynous in the least% ./al'ha/reductase deficiency syndrome allows for normal biosynthesis and 'eri'heral action of testosterone, in utero, neonatally, and at 'uberty% In other words, I o'erate in society as a man% I use the men+s room% He)er the urinals, always the stalls% In the men+s locker room at my gym I e)en shower, albeit discreetly% I 'ossess all the secondary se3 characteristics of a normal man e3ce't one: my inability to synthesi(e dihydrotestosterone has made me immune to baldness% I+)e li)ed more than half my life as a male, and by now e)erything comes naturally% Ahen 6allio'e surfaces, she does so like a childhood s'eech im'ediment% &uddenly there she is again, doing a hair fli', or checking her nails% It+s a little like being 'ossessed% 6allie rises u' inside me, wearing my skin like a loose robe% &he sticks her little hands into the baggy slee)es of my arms% &he inserts her chim'+s feet through the trousers of my legs% 2n the sidewalk I+ll feel her girlish walk take o)er, and the mo)ement brings back a kind of emotion, a desolate and gossi'y sym'athy for the girls I see coming home from school% 4his continues for a few more ste's% 6allio'e+s hair tickles the back of my throat% I feel her 'ress tentati)ely on my chest<that old ner)ous habit of hers<to see if anything is ha''ening there% 4he sick fluid of adolescent des'air that runs through her )eins o)erflows again into mine% =ut then, Bust as suddenly, she is lea)ing, shrinking and melting away inside me, and when I turn to see my reflection in a window there+s this: a forty/one/year/old man with longish, wa)y hair, a thin mustache, and a goatee% " kind of modern !usketeer% =ut that+s enough about me for now% I ha)e to 'ick u' where e3'losions interru'ted me yesterday% "fter all, neither 6al nor 6allio'e could ha)e come into e3istence without what ha''ened ne3t%

***
,I told you>1 Desdemona cried at the to' of her lungs% ,I told you all this good luck would be bad> 4his is how they liberate usD 2nly the -reeks could be so stu'id>1 =y the morning after the walt(, you see, Desdemona+s forebodings had been borne out% 4he Megale )dea had come to an end% 4he 4urks had ca'tured "fyon% 4he -reek "rmy, beaten, was fleeing toward the sea% In retreat, it was setting fire to e)erything in its 'ath% Desdemona and *efty, in dawn+s light, stood on the mountainside and sur)eyed the de)astation% =lack smoke rose for miles across the )alley% ?)ery )illage, e)ery field, e)ery tree was aflame% ,Ae can+t stay here,1 *efty said% ,4he 4urks will want re)enge%1 ,&ince when did they need a reasonD1

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,Ae+ll go to "merica% Ae can li)e with &ourmelina%1 ,It won+t be nice in "merica,1 Desdemona insisted, shaking her head% ,Jou shouldn+t belie)e *ina+s letters% &he e3aggerates%1 ,"s long as we+re together we+ll be okay%1 7e looked at her, in the way of the night before, and Desdemona blushed% 7e tried to 'ut his arm around her, but she sto''ed him% ,*ook%1 Down below, the smoke had thinned momentarily% 4hey could see the roads now, clogged with refugees: a ri)er of carts, wagons, water buffalo, mules, and 'eo'le hurrying out of the city% ,Ahere can we get a boatD In 6onstantino'leD1 ,Ae+ll go to &myrna,1 said *efty% ,?)eryone says &myrna+s the safest way%1 Desdemona was @uiet for a moment, trying to fathom this new reality% Ooices rumbled in the other houses as 'eo'le cursed the -reeks, the 4urks, and started 'acking% &uddenly, with resol)e: ,I+ll bring my silkworm bo3% "nd some eggs% &o we can make money%1 *efty took hold of her elbow and shook her arm 'layfully% ,4hey don+t farm silk in "merica%1 ,4hey wear clothes, don+t theyD 2r do they go around nakedD If they wear clothes, they need silk% "nd they can buy it from me%1 ,2kay, whate)er you want% Just hurry%1 ?leutherios and Desdemona &te'hanides left =ithynios on "ugust E1, 19CC% 4hey left on foot, carrying two suitcases 'acked with clothes, toiletries, Desdemona+s dream book and worry beads, and two of *efty+s te3ts of "ncient -reek% ;nder her arm Desdemona also carried her silkworm bo3 containing a few hundred silkworm eggs wra''ed in a white cloth% 4he scra's of 'a'er in *efty+s 'ockets now recorded not gambling debts but forwarding addresses in "thens or "storia% 2)er a single week, the hundred or so remaining citi(ens of =ithynios 'acked their belongings and set out for mainland -reece, most en route to "merica% 8" dias'ora which should ha)e 're)ented my e3istence, but didn+t%: =efore lea)ing, Desdemona walked out into the yard and crossed herself in the 2rthodo3 fashion, leading with the thumb% &he said her goodbyes: to the 'owdery, rotting smell of the cocoonery and to the mulberry trees lined along the wall, to the ste's she+d ne)er ha)e to climb again and to this feeling of li)ing abo)e the world, too% &he went inside the cocoonery to look at her silkworms for the last time% 4hey had all sto''ed s'inning% &he reached u', 'lucked a cocoon from a mulberry twig, and 'ut it in her tunic 'ocket% 2n &e'tember 6, 19CC, -eneral 7aBienestis, 6ommander in 6hief of the -reek forces in "sia !inor, awoke with the im'ression that his legs were made of glass% "fraid to get out of bed, he sent the barber away, forgoing his morning sha)e% In the afternoon he declined to go ashore to enBoy his usual lemon ice on the &myrna waterfront% Instead he lay on his back, still and alert, ordering his aides<who came and went with dis'atches from the front<not to slam the door or stom' their feet% 4his was one of the commander+s more lucid, 'roducti)e days% Ahen the 4urkish "rmy had attacked "fyon two weeks earlier, 7aBienestis had belie)ed that he was dead and that the ri''les of light reflecting on his cabin walls were the 'yrotechnics of hea)en% "t two o+clock, his second/in/command ti'toed into the general+s cabin to s'eak in a whis'er: ,&ir, I am awaiting your orders for a counterattack, sir%1 ,Do you hear how they s@ueakD1

C#

,&irD1 ,!y legs% !y thin, )itreous legs%1 ,&ir, I am aware the general is ha)ing trouble with his legs, but I submit, with all due res'ect, sir1<a little louder than a whis'er now<,this is not a time to concentrate on such matters%1 ,Jou think this is some kind of Boke, don+t you, lieutenantD =ut if your legs were made of glass, you+d understand% I can+t go into shore% 4hat+s e3actly what Qemal is banking on> 4o ha)e me stand u' and shatter my legs to 'ieces%1 ,4hese are the latest re'orts, -eneral%1 7is second/in/command held a sheet of 'a'er o)er 7aBienestis+ face% , L4he 4urkish ca)alry has been sighted one hundred miles east of &myrna,+ 1 he read% , L4he refugee 'o'ulation is now 150,000%+ 4hat+s an increase of E0,000 'eo'le since yesterday%1 ,I didn+t know death would be like this, lieutenant% I feel close to you% I+m gone% I+)e taken that tri' to 7ades, yet I can still see you% *isten to me% Death is not the end% 4his is what I+)e disco)ered% Ae remain, we 'ersist% 4he dead see that I+m one of them% 4hey+re all around me% Jou can+t see them, but they+re here% !others with children, old women<e)eryone+s here% 4ell the cook to bring me my lunch%1 2utside, the famous harbor was full of shi's% !erchant )essels were tied u' to a long @uay alongside barges and wooden cai@ues% 9arther out, the "llied warshi's lay at anchor% 4he sight of them, for the -reek and "rmenian citi(ens of &myrna 8and the thousands and thousands of -reek refugees:, was reassuring, and whene)er a rumor circulated<yesterday an "rmenian news'a'er had claimed that the "llies, eager to make amends for their su''ort of the -reek in)asion, were 'lanning to hand the city o)er to the )ictorious 4urks<the citi(ens looked out at the 9rench destroyers and =ritish battleshi's, still on hand to 'rotect ?uro'ean commercial interests in &myrna, and their fears were calmed% Dr% Hishan hilobosian had set off for the harbor that afternoon seeking Bust such reassurance% 7e kissed his wife, 4oukhie, and his daughters, 0ose and "nita, goodbye; he sla''ed his sons, Qarekin and &te'an, on the back, 'ointing at the chessboard and saying with mock gra)ity, ,Don+t mo)e those 'ieces%1 7e locked the front door behind him, testing it with his shoulder, and started down &uyane &treet, 'ast the closed sho's and shuttered windows of the "rmenian Puarter% 7e sto''ed outside =erberian+s bakery, wondering whether 6harles =erberian had taken his family out of the city or whether they were hiding u'stairs like the hilobosians% 9or fi)e days now they+d been under self/im'risonment, Dr% hilobosian and his sons 'laying endless games of chess, 0ose and "nita looking at a co'y of Photoplay he+d 'icked u' for them on a recent )isit to the "merican suburb of aradise, 4oukhie cooking day and night because eating was the only thing that relie)ed the an3iety% 4he bakery door showed only a sign that said o'en soon and a 'ortrait<which made hilobosian wince<of Qemal, the 4urkish leader resolute in astrakhan ca' and fur collar, his blue eyes 'iercing beneath the crossed sabers of his eyebrows% Dr% hilobosian turned away from the face and mo)ed on, rehearsing all the arguments against 'utting u' Qemal+s 'ortrait like that% 9or one thing<as he+d been telling his wife all week<the ?uro'ean 'owers would ne)er let the 4urks enter the city% &econd, if they did, the 'resence of the warshi's in the harbor would restrain the 4urks from looting% ?)en during the massacres of 191. the "rmenians of &myrna had been safe% "nd finally<for his own family, at least<there was the letter he was on his way to retrie)e from his office% &o reasoning, he continued down the hill, reaching the ?uro'ean Puarter% 7ere the houses grew more 'ros'erous%

C5

2n either side of the street rose two/story )illas with flowering balconies and high, armored walls% Dr% hilobosian had ne)er been in)ited into these )illas socially, but he often made house calls to attend the *e)antine girls li)ing inside; girls of eighteen or nineteen who awaited him in the ,water 'alaces1 of the courtyards, lying languidly on daybeds amid a 'rofusion of fruit trees; girls whose des'erate need to find ?uro'ean husbands ga)e them a scandalous amount of freedom, cause itself for &myrna+s re'utation as being e3ce'tionally kind to military officers, and res'onsible for the fe)er blushes the girls betrayed on the mornings of Dr% hilobosian+s )isits, as well as for the nature of their com'laints, which ran from the ankle twisted on the dance floor to more intimate scra'es higher u'% "ll of which the girls showed no modesty about, throwing o'en silk 'eignoirs to say, ,It+s all red, Doctor% Do something% I ha)e to be at the -asin by ele)en%1 4hese girls all gone now, taken out of the city by their 'arents after the first fighting weeks ago, off in aris and *ondon<where the &eason was beginning<the houses @uiet as Dr% hilobosian 'assed by, the crisis receding from his mind at the thought of all those loosened robes% =ut then he turned the corner, reaching the @uay, and the emergency came back to him% 9rom one end of the harbor to the other, -reek soldiers, e3hausted, cada)erous, unclean, lim'ed toward the embarkation 'oint at 6hesme, southwest of the city, awaiting e)acuation% 4heir tattered uniforms were black with soot from the )illages they+d burned in retreat% 2nly a week before, the waterfront+s elegant o'en/air cafIs had been filled with na)al officers and di'lomats; now the @uay was a holding 'en% 4he first refugees had come with car'ets and armchairs, radios, Oictrolas, lam'stands, dressers, s'reading them out before the harbor, under the o'en sky% 4he more recent arri)als turned u' with only a sack or a suitcase% "mid this confusion, 'orters darted e)erywhere, loading boats with tobacco, figs, frankincense, silk, and mohair% 4he warehouses were being em'tied before the 4urks arri)ed% Dr% hilobosian s'otted a refugee 'icking through chicken bones and 'otato 'eels in a hea' of garbage% It was a young man in a well/tailored but dirty suit% ?)en from a distance, Dr% hilobosian+s medical eye noticed the cut on the young man+s hand and the 'allor of malnutrition% =ut when the refugee looked u', the doctor saw only a blank for a face; he was indistinguishable from any of the refugees swarming the @uay% He)ertheless, staring into this blankness, the doctor called, ,"re you sickD1 ,I ha)en+t eaten for three days,1 said the young man% 4he doctor sighed% ,6ome with me%1 7e led the refugee down back streets to his office% 7e ushered him inside and brought gau(e, antise'tic, and ta'e from a medical cabinet, and e3amined the hand% 4he wound was on the man+s thumb, where the nail was missing% ,7ow did this ha''enD1 ,9irst the -reeks in)aded,1 the refugee said% ,4hen the 4urks in)aded back% !y hand got in the way%1 Dr% hilobosian said nothing as he cleaned the wound% ,I+ll ha)e to 'ay you with a check, Doctor,1 the refugee said% ,I ho'e you don+t mind% I don+t ha)e a lot of money on me at the moment%1 Dr% hilobosian reached into his 'ocket% ,I ha)e a little% -o on% 4ake it%1 4he refugee hesitated only a moment% ,4hank you, Doctor% I+ll re'ay you as soon as I get to the ;nited &tates% lease gi)e me your address%1 ,=e careful what you drink,1 Dr% hilobosian ignored the re@uest% ,=oil water, if you can% -od willing, some shi's may come soon%1

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4he refugee nodded% ,Jou+re "rmenian, DoctorD1 ,Jes%1 ,"nd you+re not lea)ingD1 ,&myrna is my home%1 ,-ood luck, then% "nd -od bless you%1 ,Jou too%1 "nd with that Dr% hilobosian led him out% 7e watched the refugee walk off% It+s ho'eless, he thought% 7e+ll be dead in a week% If not ty'hus, something else% =ut it wasn+t his concern% 0eaching inside a ty'ewriter, he e3tracted a thick wad of money from beneath the ribbon% 7e rummaged through drawers until he found, inside his medical di'loma, a faded ty'ewritten letter: ,4his letter is to certify that Hishan hilobosian, !%D%, did, on "'ril E, 1919, treat !ustafa Qemal asha for di)erticulitis% Dr% hilobosian is res'ectfully recommended by Qemal asha to the esteem, confidence, and 'rotection of all 'ersons to whom he may 'resent this letter%1 4he bearer of this letter now folded it and tucked it into his 'ocket% =y then the refugee was buying bread at a bakery on the @uay% Ahere now, as he turns away, hiding the warm loaf under his grimy suit, the sunlight off the water brightens his face and his identity fills itself in: the a@uiline nose, the hawk/like e3'ression, the softness a''earing in the brown eyes% 9or the first time since reaching &myrna, *efty &te'hanides was smiling% 2n his 're)ious forays he+d brought back only a single rotten 'each and si3 oli)es, which he+d encouraged Desdemona to swallow, 'its and all, to fill herself u'% How, carrying the sesame/seeded chureki , he s@uee(ed back into the crowd% 7e skirted the edges of o'en/air li)ing rooms 8where families sat listening to silent radios: and ste''ed o)er bodies he ho'ed were slee'ing% 7e was feeling encouraged by another de)elo'ment, too% Just that morning word had s'read that -reece was sending a fleet of shi's to e)acuate refugees% *efty looked out at the "egean% 7a)ing li)ed on a mountain for twenty years, he+d ne)er seen the sea before% &omewhere o)er the water was "merica and their cousin &ourmelina% 7e smelled the sea air, the warm bread, the antise'tic from his bandaged thumb, and then he saw her<Desdemona, sitting on the suitcase where he+d left her<and felt e)en ha''ier% *efty couldn+t 'in'oint the moment he+d begun to ha)e thoughts about his sister% "t first he+d Bust been curious to see what a real woman+s breasts looked like% It didn+t matter that they were his sister+s% 7e tried to forget that they were his sister+s% =ehind the hanging kelimi that se'arated their beds, he saw Desdemona+s silhouette as she undressed% It was Bust a body; it could ha)e been anyone+s, or *efty liked to 'retend so% ,Ahat are you doing o)er thereD1 Desdemona asked, undressing% ,Ahy are you so @uietD1 ,I+m reading%1 ,Ahat are you readingD1 ,4he =ible%1 ,2h, sure% Jou ne)er read the =ible%1 &oon he+d found himself 'icturing his sister after the lights went out% &he+d in)aded his fantasies, but *efty resisted% 7e went down to the city instead, in search of naked women he wasn+t related to% =ut since the night of their walt(, he+d sto''ed resisting% =ecause of the messages of Desdemona+s fingers, because their 'arents were dead and their )illage destroyed, because no one in &myrna knew who they were, and because of the way Desdemona looked right now, sitting on a suitcase%

E0

"nd DesdemonaD Ahat did she feelD 9ear foremost, and worry, 'unctuated by un'recedented e3'losions of Boy% &he had ne)er rested her head in a man+s la' before while riding in an o3cart% &he+d ne)er sle't like s'oons, encircled by a man+s arms; she+d ne)er e3'erienced a man getting hard against her s'ine while trying to talk as though nothing were ha''ening% ,2nly fifty more miles,1 *efty had said one night on the arduous Bourney to &myrna% ,!aybe we+ll be lucky tomorrow and get a ride% "nd when we get to &myrna, we+ll get a boat to "thens1<his )oice tight, funny/sounding, a few tones higher than normal<,and from "thens we+ll get a boat to "merica% &ound goodD 2kay% I think that+s good%1 Ahat am I doingD Desdemona thought% 7e+s my brother> &he looked at the other refugees on the @uay, e3'ecting to see them shaking their fingers, saying, ,&hame on you>1 =ut they only showed her lifeless faces, em'ty eyes% Hobody knew% Hobody cared% 4hen she heard her brother+s e3cited )oice, as he lowered the bread before her face% ,=ehold% !anna from hea)en%1 Desdemona glanced u' at him% 7er mouth filled with sali)a as *efty broke the chureki in two% =ut her face remained sad% ,I don+t see any boats coming,1 she said% ,4hey+re coming% Don+t worry% ?at%1 *efty sat down on the suitcase beside her% 4heir shoulders touched% Desdemona mo)ed away% ,Ahat+s the matterD1 ,Hothing%1 ,?)ery time I sit down you mo)e away%1 7e looked at Desdemona, 'u((led, but then his e3'ression softened and he 'ut his arm around her% &he stiffened% ,2kay, ha)e it your way%1 7e stood u' again% ,Ahere are you goingD1 ,4o find more food%1 ,Don+t go,1 Desdemona 'leaded% ,I+m sorry% I don+t like sitting here all alone%1 =ut *efty had stormed off% 7e left the @uay and wandered the city streets, muttering to himself% 7e was angry with Desdemona for rebuffing him and he was angry at himself for being angry at her, because he knew she was right% =ut he didn+t stay angry long% It wasn+t in his nature% 7e was tired, half/star)ed, he had a sore throat, a wounded hand, but for all that *efty was still twenty years old, on his first real tri' away from home, and alert to the newness of things% Ahen you got away from the @uay you could almost forget that there was a crisis on% =ack here there were fancy sho's and high/toned bars, still o'erating% 7e came down the 0ue de 9rance and found himself at the &'orting 6lub% Des'ite the emergency, two foreign consuls were 'laying tennis on the grass courts out back% In fading light they mo)ed back and forth, swatting the ball while a dark/skinned boy in a white Backet held a tray of gin and tonics courtside% *efty ke't walking% 7e came to a s@uare with a fountain and washed his face% " bree(e came u', bringing the smell of Basmine all the way in from =ournabat% "nd while *efty sto's to breathe it in, I+d like to take this o''ortunity to resuscitate<for 'urely elegiac reasons and only for a 'aragra'h<that city which disa''eared, once and for all, in 19CC% &myrna endures today in a few rebetika songs and a stan(a from !he /aste .and : !r% ?ugenides, the &myrna merchant ;nsha)en, with a 'ocketful of currants 6%i%f% *ondon: documents at sight,

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"sked me in demotic 9rench 4o luncheon at the 6annon &treet 7otel 9ollowed by a weekend at the !etro'ole% ?)erything you need to know about &myrna is contained in that% 4he merchant is rich, and so was &myrna% 7is 'ro'osal was seducti)e, and so was &myrna, the most cosmo'olitan city in the Hear ?ast% "mong its re'uted founders were, first, the "ma(ons 8which goes nicely with my theme:, and second, 4antalus himself% 7omer was born there, and "ristotle 2nassis% In &myrna, ?ast and Aest, o'era and politakia , )iolin and 0ourna , 'iano and daouli blended as tastefully as did the rose 'etals and honey in the local 'astries% *efty started walking again and soon came to the &myrna -asin % otted 'alms flanked a grand entrance, but the doors stood wide o'en% 7e ste''ed inside% Ho one sto''ed him% 4here was no one around% 7e followed a red car'et to the second floor and into the gaming room% 4he cra's table was unoccu'ied% Hobody was at the roulette wheel% In the far corner, howe)er, a grou' of men were 'laying cards% 4hey glanced u' at *efty but then returned to their game, ignoring his dirty clothes% 4hat was when he reali(ed that the gamblers weren+t regular club members; they were refugees like him% ?ach had wandered through the o'en door in ho'es of winning money to buy 'assage out of &myrna% *efty a''roached the table% " card 'layer asked, ,Jou inD1 ,I+m in%1 7e didn+t understand the rules% 7e+d ne)er 'layed 'oker before, only backgammon, and for the first half hour he lost again and again% ?)entually, though, *efty began to understand the difference between fi)e/card draw and se)en/card stud, and gradually the balance of 'ayments around the table began to shift% ,4hree of these,1 *efty said, showing three aces, and the men started to grumble% 4hey watched his dealing more closely, mistaking his clumsiness for a cardshar'+s sleight of hand% *efty began to enBoy himself, and after winning a big 'ot cried, ,2u(o all around>1 =ut when nothing ha''ened, he looked u' and saw again how truly deserted the -asin was, and the sight brought home to him the high stakes they were 'laying for% *ife% 4hey were 'laying for their li)es, and now, as he e3amined his fellow gamblers, and saw 'ers'iration beading their brows and smelled their sour breath, *efty &te'hanides, showing far more restraint than he would four decades later when he 'layed the Detroit numbers, stood u' and said, ,I+m folding%1 4hey nearly killed him% *efty+s 'ockets bulged with winnings, and the men insisted he couldn+t lea)e without gi)ing them a chance to win some of it back% 7e bent o)er to scratch his leg, insisting, ,I can go out any time I want%1 2ne of the men grabbed him by his soiled la'els, and *efty added, ,"nd I don+t want to yet%1 7e sat down, scratching his other leg, and thereafter started losing again and again% Ahen all his money was gone, *efty got u' and said with disgusted anger, ,6an I lea)e nowD1 4he men said sure, lea)e, laughing as they dealt the ne3t hand% *efty walked stiffly, deBectedly, out of the -asin % In the entrance, between the 'otted 'alms, he bent down to collect the money he+d stashed in his ri'e/smelling socks% =ack at the @uay, he sought out Desdemona% ,*ook what I found,1 he said, flashing his money% ,&omebody must ha)e dro''ed it% How we can get a shi'%1 Desdemona screamed and hugged him% &he kissed him right on the li's% 4hen she 'ulled back, blushing, and turned to the water% ,*isten,1 she said, ,those =ritish are 'laying music again%1

EC

&he was referring to the ser)ice band on the )ron 1uke. ?)ery night, as officers dined, the band began 'laying on the shi'+s deck% &trains of Oi)aldi and =rahms floated out o)er the water% 2)er brandy, !aBor "rthur !a3well of 7is !aBesty+s !arines and his subordinates 'assed around binoculars to obser)e the situation ashore% ,Jolly crowded, whatD1 ,*ooks like Oictoria &tation on 6hristmas ?)e, sir%1 ,*ook at those 'oor wretches% *eft to fend for themsel)es% Ahen word gets out about the -reek commissioner+s lea)ing, it+s going to be 'andemonium%1 ,Aill we be e)acuating refugees, sirD1 ,2ur orders are to 'rotect =ritish 'ro'erty and citi(ens%1 ,=ut, surely, sir, if the 4urks arri)e and there+s a massacre K1 ,4here+s nothing we can do about it, hilli's% I+)e s'ent years in the Hear ?ast% 4he one lesson I+)e learned is that there is nothing you can do with these 'eo'le% Hothing at all> 4he 4urks are the best of the lot% 4he "rmenian I liken to the Jew% Deficient moral and intellectual character% "s for the -reeks, well, look at them% 4hey+)e burned down the whole country and now they swarm in here crying for hel'% Hice cigar, whatD1 ,"wfully good, sir%1 ,&myrna tobacco% 9inest in the world% =rings a tear to my eyes, hilli's, the thought of all that tobacco lying in those warehouses out there%1 , erha's we could send a detail to sa)e the tobacco, sir%1 ,Do I detect a note of sarcasm, hilli'sD1 ,9aintly, sir, faintly%1 ,-ood *ord, hilli's, I+m not heartless% I wish we could hel' these 'eo'le% =ut we can+t% It+s not our war%1 ,"re you certain of that, sirD1 ,Ahat do you meanD1 ,Ae might ha)e su''orted the -reek forces% &eeing as we sent them in%1 ,4hey were dying to be sent in> Oeni(elos and his bunch% I don+t think you fathom the com'le3ity of the situation% Ae ha)e interests here in 4urkey% Ae must 'roceed with the utmost care% Ae cannot let oursel)es get caught u' in these =y(antine struggles%1 ,I see, sir% !ore cognac, sirD1 ,Jes, thank you%1 ,It+s a beautiful city, though, isn+t itD1 ,Puite% Jou are aware of what &trabo said of &myrna, are you notD 7e called &myrna the finest city in "sia% 4hat was back in the time of "ugustus% It+s lasted that long% 4ake a good look, hilli's% 4ake a good long look%1 =y &e'tember #, 19CC, e)ery -reek in &myrna, including *efty &te'hanides, is wearing a fe( in order to 'ass as a 4urk% 4he last -reek soldiers are being e)acuated at 6hesme% 4he 4urkish "rmy is only thirty miles away<and no shi's arri)e from "thens to e)acuate the refugees% *efty, newly moneyed and befe((ed, makes his way through the maroon/ca''ed crowd at the @uay% 7e crosses tram tracks and heads u'hill% 7e finds a steamshi' office% Inside, a clerk is bending o)er 'assenger lists% *efty takes out his winnings and says, ,4wo seats to "thens>1 4he head remains down% ,Deck or cabinD1 ,Deck%1

EE

,9ifteen hundred drachmas%1 ,Ho, not cabin,1 *efty says, ,deck will be fine%1 ,4hat is deck%1 ,9ifteen hundredD I don+t ha)e fifteen hundred% It was fi)e hundred yesterday%1 ,4hat was yesterday%1 2n &e'tember 5, 19CC, -eneral 7aBienestis, in his cabin, sits u' in bed, rubs first his right leg and then his left, ra's his knuckles against them, and stands u'% 7e goes abo)e deck, walking with great dignity, much as he will later 'roceed to his death in "thens when he is e3ecuted for losing the war% 2n the @uay, the -reek ci)il go)ernor, "ristedes &terghiades, boards a launch to take him out of the city% 4he crowd hoots and Beers, shaking fists% -eneral 7aBienestis takes the scene in calmly% 4he crowd obscures the waterfront, his fa)orite cafI% "ll he can see is the mar@uee of the mo)ie theater at which, ten days earlier, he+d been to see .e !ango de la Mort. =riefly<and 'ossibly this is another hallucination<he smells the fresh Basmine of =ournabat% 7e breathes this in% 4he launch reaches the shi' and &terghiades, ashen/faced, climbs aboard% "nd then -eneral 7aBienestis gi)es his only military order of the 'ast few weeks: ,;' anchors% 0e)erse engines% 9ull steam ahead%1 2n shore, *efty and Desdemona watched the -reek fleet lea)ing% 4he crowd surged toward the water, raised its four hundred thousand hands, and shouted% "nd then it fell silent% Hot one mouth uttered a sound as the reali(ation came home that their own country had deserted them, that &myrna now had no go)ernment, that there was nothing between them and the ad)ancing 4urks% 8"nd did I mention how in summer the streets of &myrna were lined with baskets of rose 'etalsD "nd how e)eryone in the city could s'eak 9rench, Italian, -reek, 4urkish, ?nglish, and DutchD "nd did I tell you about the famous figs, brought in by camel cara)an and dum'ed onto the ground, huge 'iles of 'ul'y fruit lying in the dirt, with dirty women stee'ing them in salt water and children s@uatting to defecate behind the clustersD Did I mention how the reek of the fig women mi3ed with 'leasanter smells of almond trees, mimosa, laurel, and 'each, and how e)erybody wore masks on !ardi -ras and had elaborate dinners on the decks of frigatesD I want to mention these things because they all ha''ened in that city that was no 'lace e3actly, that was 'art of no country because it was all countries, and because now if you go there you+ll see modern high/rises, amnesiac boule)ards, teeming sweatsho's, a H"42 head@uarters, and a sign that says I(mir K: 9i)e cars, bedecked with oli)e branches, burst the city gates% 6a)alry gallo' fender to fender% 4he cars roar 'ast the co)ered ba(aar, through cheering throngs in the 4urkish Puarter where e)ery streetlam', door, and window streams red cloth% =y 2ttoman law, 4urks must occu'y a city+s highest ground, so the con)oy is high abo)e the city now, heading down% &oon the fi)e cars 'ass through the deserted sections where houses ha)e been abandoned or where families hide% "nita hilobosian 'eeks out to see the beautiful, leaf/co)ered )ehicles a''roaching, the sight so arresting she starts to unfasten the shutters before her mother 'ulls her away K and there are other faces 'ressed to slats, "rmenian, =ulgarian, and -reek eyes 'eeking out of hideaways and attics to get a look at the con@ueror and di)ine his intentions; but the cars mo)e too fast, and the sun on the ca)alry+s raised sabers blinds the eyes, and then the cars are gone, reaching the @uay, where horses charge into the crowd and refugees scream and scatter%

E$

In the backseat of the last car sits !ustafa Qemal% 7e is lean from battle% 7is blue eyes flash% 7e hasn+t had a drink in o)er two weeks% 84he ,di)erticulitis1 Dr% hilobosian had treated the 'asha for was Bust a co)er/u'% Qemal, cham'ion of Aesterni(ation and the secular 4urkish state, would remain true to those 'rinci'les to the end, dying at fifty/se)en of cirrhosis of the li)er%: "nd as he 'asses he turns and looks into the crowd, as a young woman stands u' from a suitcase% =lue eyes 'ierce brown% 4wo seconds% Hot e)en two% 4hen Qemal looks away; the con)oy is gone% "nd now it is all a matter of wind% 1"%!%, Aednesday, &e'tember 1E, 19CC% *efty and Desdemona ha)e been in the city se)en nights now% 4he smell of Basmine has turned to kerosene% "round the "rmenian Puarter barricades ha)e been erected% 4urkish troo's block the e3its from the @uay% =ut the wind remains blowing in the wrong direction% "round midnight, howe)er, it shifts% It begins blowing southwesterly, that is, away from the 4urkish heights and toward the harbor% In the blackness, torches gather% 4hree 4urkish soldiers stand in a tailor sho'% 4heir torches illuminate bolts of cloth and suits on hangers% 4hen, as the light grows, the tailor himself becomes )isible% 7e is sitting at his sewing machine, right shoe still on the foot treadle% 4he light grows brighter still to re)eal his face, the ga'ing eye sockets, the beard torn out in bloody 'atches% "ll o)er the "rmenian Puarter fires bloom% *ike a million fireflies, s'arks fly across the dark city, inseminating e)ery 'lace they land with a germ of fire% "t his house on &uyane &treet, Dr% hilobosian hangs a wet car'et o)er the balcony, then hurries back inside the dark house and closes the shutters% =ut the bla(e 'enetrates the room, lighting it u' in stri'es: 4oukhie+s 'anicked eyes; "nita+s forehead, wra''ed with a sil)er ribbon like 6lara =ow+s in Photoplay ; 0ose+s bare neck; &te'an+s and Qarekin+s dark, downcast heads% =y firelight Dr% hilobosian reads for the fifth time that night , LK is res'ectfully recommended K to the esteem, confidence, and 'rotection K+ Jou hear thatD L Protection K+ 1 "cross the street !rs% =id(ikian sings the climactic three notes of the ,Pueen of the Hight1 aria from !he Magic Flute. 4he music sounds so strange amid the other noises<of doors crashing in, 'eo'le screaming, girls crying out<that they all look u'% !rs% =id(ikian re'eats the = flat, D, and 9 two more times, as though 'racticing the aria, and then her )oice hits a note none of them has e)er heard before, and they reali(e that !rs% =id(ikian hasn+t been singing an aria at all% ,0ose, get my bag%1 ,Hishan, no,1 his wife obBects% ,If they see you come out, they+ll know we+re hiding%1 ,Ho one will see%1 4he flames first registered to Desdemona as lights on the shi's+ hulls% 2range brushstrokes flickered abo)e the waterline of the ;%&%&% .itchfield and the 9rench steamer Pierre .oti. 4hen the water brightened, as though a school of 'hos'horescent fish had entered the harbor% *efty+s head rested on her shoulder% &he checked to see if he was aslee'% ,*efty% *eftyD1 Ahen he didn+t res'ond, she kissed the to' of his head% 4hen the sirens went off% &he sees not one fire but many% 4here are twenty orange dots on the hill abo)e% "nd they ha)e an unnatural 'ersistence, these fires% "s soon as the fire de'artment 'uts

E.

out one bla(e, another eru'ts somewhere else% 4hey start in hay carts and trash bins; they follow kerosene trails down the center of streets; they turn corners; they enter bashed/in doorways% 2ne fire 'enetrates =erberian+s bakery, making @uick work of the bread racks and 'astry carts% It burns through to the li)ing @uarters and climbs the front staircase where, halfway u', it meets 6harles =erberian himself, who tries to smother it with a blanket% =ut the fire dodges him and races u' into the house% 9rom there it swee's across an 2riental rug, marches out to the back 'orch, lea's nimbly u' onto a laundry line, and tightro'e/walks across to the house behind% It climbs in the window and 'auses, as if shocked by its good fortune: because e)erything in this house is Bust made to burn, too<the damask sofa with its long fringe, the mahogany end tables and chint( lam'shades% 4he heat 'ulls down wall'a'er in sheets; and this is ha''ening not only in this a'artment but in ten or fifteen others, then twenty or twenty/fi)e, each house setting fire to its neighbor until entire blocks are burning% 4he smell of things burning that aren+t meant to burn wafts across the city: shoe 'olish, rat 'oison, tooth'aste, 'iano strings, hernia trusses, baby cribs, Indian clubs% "nd hair and skin% =y this time, hair and skin% 2n the @uay, *efty and Desdemona stand u' along with e)eryone else, with 'eo'le too stunned to react, or still half/aslee', or sick with ty'hus and cholera, or e3hausted beyond caring% "nd then, suddenly, all the fires on the hillside form one great wall of fire stretching across the city and<it+s ine)itable now< start mo)ing down toward them% 8"nd now I remember something else: my father, !ilton &te'hanides, in robe and sli''ers, bending o)er to light a fire on 6hristmas morning% 2nly once a year did the need to dis'ose of a mountain of wra''ing 'a'er and cardboard 'ackaging o)errule Desdemona+s obBections to using our fire'lace% ,!a,1 !ilton would warn her, ,I+m going to burn u' some of this garbage now%1 4o which Desdemona would cry, %Mana'( and grab her cane% "t the hearth, my father would 'ull a long match from the he3agonal bo3% =ut Desdemona would already be mo)ing away, heading for the safety of the kitchen, where the o)en was electric% ,Jour yia yia doesn+t like fires,1 my father would tell us% "nd, lighting the match, he would hold it to 'a'er co)ered with el)es and &antas as flames lea't u', and we ignorant, "merican children went cra(y throwing 'a'er, bo3es, and ribbons into the bla(e%: Dr% hilobosian ste''ed out into the street, looked both ways, and ran straight across through the door o''osite% 7e climbed to the landing, where he could see the to' of !rs% =id(ikian+s head from behind as she sat in the li)ing room% 7e ran to her, telling her not to worry, it was Dr% hilobosian from across the street% !rs% =id(ikian seemed to nod, but her head didn+t come back u'% Dr% hilobosian knelt beside her% 4ouching her neck, he felt a weak 'ulse% -ently he 'ulled her out of the chair and laid her on the floor% "s he did so, he heard footste's on the stairway% 7e hurried across the room and hid behind the dra'es Bust as the soldiers stormed in% 9or fifteen minutes, they ransacked the a'artment, taking whate)er the first band had left% 4hey dum'ed out drawers and slit o'en sofas and clothing, looking for Bewelry or money hidden inside% "fter they were gone, Dr% hilobosian waited a full fi)e minutes before ste''ing out from behind the dra'es% !rs% =id(ikian+s 'ulse had sto''ed% 7e s'read his handkerchief o)er her face and made the sign of the cross o)er her body% 4hen he 'icked u' his doctor+s bag and hurried down the stairs again% 4he heat 'recedes the fire% 9igs hea'ed along the @uay, not loaded in time, begin to bake, bubbling and oo(ing Buice% 4he sweetness mi3es with the smell of smoke% Desdemona and *efty stand as close to the water as 'ossible, along with e)eryone else%

E6

4here is no esca'e% 4urkish soldiers remain at the barricades% eo'le 'ray, raise their arms, 'leading to shi's in the harbor% &earchlights swee' across the water, lighting u' 'eo'le swimming, drowning% ,Ae+re going to die, *efty%1 ,Ho we+re not% Ae+re going to get out of here%1 =ut *efty doesn+t belie)e this% "s he looks u' at the flames, he is certain, too, that they are going to die% "nd this certainty ins'ires him to say something he would ne)er ha)e said otherwise, something he would ne)er e)en ha)e thought% ,Ae+re going to get out of here% "nd then you+re going to marry me%1 ,Ae should ne)er ha)e left% Ae should ha)e stayed in =ithynios%1 "s the fire a''roaches, the doors of the 9rench consulate o'en% " marine garrison forms two lines stretching across the @uay to the harbor% 4he 4ricolor descends% 9rom the consulate+s doors 'eo'le emerge, men in cream/colored suits and women in straw hats, walking arm in arm to a waiting launch% 2)er the !arines+ crossed rifles, *efty sees fresh 'owder on the women+s faces, lit cigars in the men+s mouths% 2ne woman holds a small 'oodle under her arm% "nother woman tri's, breaking her heel, and is consoled by her husband% "fter the launch has motored away, an official turns to the crowd% ,9rench citi(ens only will be e)acuated% Ae will begin 'rocessing )isas immediately%1 Ahen they hear knocking, they Bum'% &te'an goes to the window and looks down% ,It must be 9ather%1 ,-o% *et him in> Puick>1 4oukhie says% Qarekin )aults down the stairs two at a time% "t the door he sto's, collects himself, and @uietly unbolts the door% "t first, when he 'ulls it o'en, he sees nothing% 4hen there+s a soft hiss, followed by a ri''ing noise% 4he noise sounds as though it has nothing to do with him until suddenly a shirt button 'o's off and clatters against the door% Qarekin looks down as all at once his mouth fills with a warm fluid% 7e feels himself being lifted off his feet, the sensation bringing back to him childhood memories of being whisked into the air by his father, and he says, ,Dad, my button,1 before he is lifted high enough to make out the steel bayonet 'uncturing his sternum% 4he fire+s reflection leads along the gun barrel, o)er the sight and hammer, to the soldier+s ecstatic face% 4he fire bore down on the crowd at the @uay% 4he roof of the "merican consulate caught% 9lames climbed the mo)ie theater, scorching the mar@uee% 4he crowd inched back from the heat% =ut *efty, sensing his o''ortunity, was undeterred% ,Hobody will know,1 he said% ,Aho+s to knowD 4here+s nobody left but us%1 ,It+s not right%1 0oofs crashed, 'eo'le screamed, as *efty 'ut his li's to his sister+s ear% ,Jou 'romised you+d find me a nice -reek girl% Aell% Jou+re it%1 2n one side a man Bum'ed into the water, trying to drown himself; on the other, a woman was gi)ing birth, as her husband shielded her with his coat% %&aymaste' &aymaste'( 'eo'le shouted% ,Ae+re burning> Ae+re burning>1 Desdemona 'ointed, at the fire, at e)erything% ,It+s too late, *efty% It doesn+t matter now%1 ,=ut if we li)edD Jou+d marry me thenD1 " nod% 4hat was all% "nd *efty was gone, running toward the flames% 2n a black screen, a binocular/sha'ed tem'late of )ision swee's back and forth, taking in the distant refugees% 4hey scream without sound% 4hey hold out their arms,

E#

beseeching% ,4hey+re going to cook the 'oor wretches ali)e%1 , ermission to retrie)e a swimmer, sir%1 ,Hegati)e, hilli's% 2nce we take one aboard we+ll ha)e to take them all%1 ,It+s a girl, sir%1 ,7ow oldD1 ,*ooks to be about ten or ele)en%1 !aBor "rthur !a3well lowers his binoculars% " triangular knot of muscle tenses in his Baw and disa''ears% ,7a)e a look at her, sir%1 ,Ae mustn+t be swayed by emotions here, hilli's% 4here are greater things at stake%1 ,7a)e a look at her, sir%1 4he wings of !aBor !a3well+s nose flare as he looks at 6a'tain hilli's% 4hen, sla''ing one hand against his thigh, he mo)es to the side of the shi'% 4he searchlight swee's across the water, lighting u' its own circle of )ision% 4he water looks odd under the beam, a colorless broth littered with a )ariety of obBects: a bright orange; a man+s fedora with a brim of e3crement; bits of 'a'er like torn letters% "nd then, amid this inert matter, she a''ears, holding on to the shi'+s line, a girl in a 'ink dress the water darkens to red, hair 'lastered to her small skull% 7er eyes make no a''eal, staring u'% 7er shar' feet kick e)ery so often, like fins% 0ifle fire from shore hits the water around her% &he 'ays no attention% ,4urn off the searchlight%1 4he light goes off and the firing sto's% !aBor !a3well looks at his watch% ,It is now C11. hours% I am going to my cabin, hilli's% I will stay there until 0#00 hours% &hould a refugee be taken aboard during that 'eriod, it would not come to my attention% Is that understoodD1 ,;nderstood, sir%1 It didn+t occur to Dr% hilobosian that the twisted body he ste''ed o)er in the street belonged to his younger son% 7e noticed only that his front door was o'en% In the foyer, he sto''ed to listen% 4here was only silence% &lowly, still holding his doctor+s bag, he climbed the stairs% "ll the lam's were on now% 4he li)ing room was bright% 4oukhie was sitting on the sofa, waiting for him% 7er head had fallen backward as though in hilarity, the angle o'ening the wound so that a section of wind'i'e gleamed% &te'an sat slum'ed at the dining table, his right hand, which held the letter of 'rotection, nailed down with a steak knife% Dr% hilobosian took a ste' and sli''ed, then noticed a trail of blood leading down the hallway% 7e followed the trail into the master bedroom, where he found his two daughters% 4hey were both naked, lying on their backs% 4hree of their four breasts had been cut off% 0ose+s hand reached out toward her sister as though to adBust the sil)er ribbon across her forehead% 4he line was long and mo)ed slowly% *efty had time to go o)er his )ocabulary% 7e re)iewed his grammar, taking @uick 'eeks at the 'hrase book% 7e studied ,*esson 1: -reetings,1 and by the time he reached the official at the table, he was ready% ,HameD1 ,?leutherios &te'hanides%1 , lace of birthD1 , aris%1 4he official looked u'% , ass'ort%1

E5

,?)erything was destroyed in the fire> I lost all my 'a'ers>1 *efty 'uckered his li's and e3'elled air, as he+d seen 9renchmen do% ,*ook at what I+m wearing% I lost all my good suits%1 4he official smiled wryly and stam'ed the 'a'ers% , ass%1 ,I ha)e my wife with me%1 ,I su''ose she was born in aris, too%1 ,2f course%1 ,7er nameD1 ,Desdemona%1 ,Desdemona &te'hanidesD1 ,4hat+s right% &ame as mine%1 Ahen he returned with the )isas, Desdemona wasn+t alone% " man sat beside her on the suitcase% ,7e tried to throw himself in the water% I caught him Bust in time%1 Da(ed, bloody, a shining bandage wra''ing one hand, the man ke't re'eating, ,4hey couldn+t read% 4hey were illiterate>1 *efty checked to see where the man was bleeding but couldn+t find a wound% 7e unwra''ed the man+s bandage, a sil)er ribbon, and tossed it away% ,4hey couldn+t read my letter,1 the man said, looking at *efty, who recogni(ed his face% ,Jou againD1 the 9rench official said% ,!y cousin,1 said *efty, in e3ecrable 9rench% 4he man stam'ed a )isa and handed it to him% " motor launch took them out to the shi'% *efty ke't hold of Dr% hilobosian, who was still threatening to drown himself% Desdemona o'ened her silkworm bo3 and unwra''ed the white cloth to check on her eggs% In the hideous water, bodies floated 'ast% &ome were ali)e, calling out% " searchlight re)ealed a boy halfway u' the anchor chain of a battleshi'% &ailors dum'ed oil on him and he sli''ed back into the water% 2n the deck of the Jean art , the three new 9rench citi(ens looked back at the burning city, abla(e from end to end% 4he fire would continue for the ne3t three days, the flames )isible for fifty miles% "t sea, sailors would mistake the rising smoke for a gigantic mountain range% In the country they were heading for, "merica, the burning of &myrna made the front 'ages for a day or two, before being bum'ed off by the 7all/!ills murder case 8the body of 7all, a rotestant minister, had been found with that of !iss !ills, an attracti)e choir member: and the o'ening of the Aorld &eries% "dmiral !ark =ristol of the ;%&% Ha)y, concerned about damage to "merican/4urkish relations, cabled a 'ress release in which he stated that ,it is im'ossible to estimate the number of deaths due to killings, fire, and e3ecution, but the total 'robably does not e3ceed C,000%1 4he "merican consul, -eorge 7orton, had a larger estimate% 2f the $00,000 2ttoman 6hristians in &myrna before the fire, 190,000 were unaccounted for by 2ctober 1% 7orton hal)ed that number and estimated the dead at 100,000% 4he anchors surged u' out of the water% 4he deck rumbled underfoot as the destroyer+s engines were thrown into re)erse% Desdemona and *efty watched "sia !inor recede% "s they 'assed the )ron 1uke , the =ritish military ser)ice band started into a walt(%

The Silk #oad

E9

"ccording to an ancient 6hinese legend, one day in the year C6$0=%6%, rincess &i *ing/chi was sitting under a mulberry tree when a silkworm cocoon fell into her teacu'% Ahen she tried to remo)e it, she noticed that the cocoon had begun to unra)el in the hot li@uid% &he handed the loose end to her maidser)ant and told her to walk% 4he ser)ant went out of the 'rincess+s chamber, and into the 'alace courtyard, and through the 'alace gates, and out of the 9orbidden 6ity, and into the countryside a half mile away before the cocoon ran out% 8In the Aest, this legend would slowly mutate o)er three millennia, until it became the story of a 'hysicist and an a''le% ?ither way, the meanings are the same: great disco)eries, whether of silk or of gra)ity, are always windfalls% 4hey ha''en to 'eo'le loafing under trees%: I feel a little like that 6hinese 'rincess, whose disco)ery ga)e Desdemona her li)elihood% *ike her I unra)el my story, and the longer the thread, the less there is left to tell% 0etrace the filament and you go back to the cocoon+s beginning in a tiny knot, a first tentati)e loo'% "nd following my story+s thread back to where I left off, I see the Jean art dock in "thens% I see my grand'arents on land again, making 're'arations for another )oyage% ass'orts are 'laced into hands, )accinations administered to u''er arms% "nother shi' materiali(es at the dock, the Giulia % " foghorn sounds% "nd look: from the deck of the Giulia something else unwinds now% &omething multicolored, s'inning itself out o)er the waters of iraeus% It was the custom in those days for 'assengers lea)ing for "merica to bring balls of yarn on deck% 0elati)es on the 'ier held the loose ends% "s the Giulia blew its horn and mo)ed away from the dock, a few hundred strings of yarn stretched across the water% eo'le shouted farewells, wa)ed furiously, held u' babies for last looks they wouldn+t remember% ro'ellers churned; handkerchiefs fluttered, and, u' on deck, the balls of yarn began to s'in% 0ed, yellow, blue, green, they untangled toward the 'ier, slowly at first, one re)olution e)ery ten seconds, then faster and faster as the boat 'icked u' s'eed% assengers held the yarn as long as 'ossible, maintaining the connection to the faces disa''earing onshore% =ut finally, one by one, the balls ran out% 4he strings of yarn flew free, rising on the bree(e% 9rom two se'arate locations on the Giulia +s deck, *efty and Desdemona<and I can say it now, finally, my grand'arents<watched the airy blanket float away% Desdemona was standing between two air manifolds sha'ed like giant tubas% "t midshi's *efty slouched in a brace of bachelors% In the last three hours they hadn+t seen each other% 4hat morning, they+d had coffee together in a cafI near the harbor after which, like 'rofessional s'ies, they+d 'icked u' their se'arate suitcases<Desdemona kee'ing her silkworm bo3<and had de'arted in different directions% !y grandmother was carrying falsified documents% 7er 'ass'ort, which the -reek go)ernment had granted under the condition that she lea)e the country immediately, bore her mother+s maiden name, "ristos, instead of &te'hanides% &he+d 'resented this 'ass'ort along with her boarding card at the to' of the Giulia +s gangway% 4hen she+d gone aft, as 'lanned, for the send/off% "t the shi''ing channel, the foghorn sounded again, as the boat came around to the west and 'icked u' more s'eed% Dirndls, kerchiefs, and suit coats fla''ed in the bree(e% " few hats flew off heads, to shouts and laughter% Jarn drift/netted the sky, barely )isible now% eo'le watched as long as they could% Desdemona was one of the first to go below% *efty lingered on deck for another half hour% 4his, too, was 'art of the 'lan% 9or the first day at sea, they didn+t s'eak to each other% 4hey came u' on deck at

$0

the a''ointed mealtimes and stood in se'arate lines% "fter eating, *efty Boined the men smoking at the rail while Desdemona hunched on deck with the women and children, staying out of the wind% ,Jou ha)e someone meeting youD1 the women asked% ," fiancID1 ,Ho% Just my cousin in Detroit%1 ,4ra)eling all by yourselfD1 the men asked *efty% ,4hat+s right% 9ree and easy%1 "t night, they descended to their res'ecti)e com'artments% In se'arate bunks of seaweed wra''ed in burla', with life )ests doubling as 'illows, they tried to slee', to get used to the motion of the shi', and to tolerate the smells% assengers had brought on board all manner of s'ices and sweetmeats, tinned sardines, octo'us in wine sauce, legs of lamb 'reser)ed with garlic clo)es% In those days you could identify a 'erson+s nationality by smell% *ying on her back with eyes closed, Desdemona could detect the telltale oniony aroma of a 7ungarian woman on her right, and the raw/meat smell of an "rmenian on her left% 8"nd they, in turn, could 'eg Desdemona as a 7ellene by her aroma of garlic and yogurt%: *efty+s annoyances were auditory as well as olfactory% 4o one side was a man named 6allas with a snore like a miniature foghorn itself; on the other was Dr% hilobosian, who we't in his slee'% ?)er since lea)ing &myrna the doctor had been beside himself with grief% 0acked, gut/socked, he lay curled u' in his coat, blue around the eye sockets% 7e ate almost nothing% 7e refused to go u' on deck to get fresh air% 2n the few occasions he did go, he threatened to throw himself o)erboard% In "thens, Dr% hilobosian had told them to lea)e him alone% 7e refused to discuss 'lans about the future and said that he had no family anywhere% ,!y family+s gone% 4hey murdered them%1 , oor man,1 Desdemona said% ,7e doesn+t want to li)e%1 ,Ae ha)e to hel' him,1 *efty insisted% ,7e ga)e me money% 7e bandaged my hand% Hobody else cared about us% Ae+ll take him with us%1 Ahile they waited for their cousin to wire money, *efty tried to console the doctor and finally con)inced him to come with them to Detroit% ,Ahere)er+s far away,1 said Dr% hilobosian% =ut now on the boat he talked only of death% 4he )oyage was su''osed to take from twel)e to fourteen days% *efty and Desdemona had the schedule all worked out% 2n the second day at sea, directly after dinner, *efty made a tour of the shi'% 7e 'icked his way among the bodies s'rawled across the steerage deck% 7e 'assed the stairway to the 'ilothouse and s@uee(ed 'ast the e3tra cargo, crates of Qalamata oli)es and oli)e oil, sea s'onges from Qos% 7e 'roceeded forward, running his hand along the green tar's of the lifeboats, until he met the chain se'arating steerage from third class% In its heyday, the Giulia had been 'art of the "ustro/7ungarian *ine% =oasting modern con)eniences 8 %lumina electrica, ,entilatie et comfortu cel mai mare( :, it had tra)eled once a month between 4rieste and Hew Jork% How the electric lights worked only in first class, and e)en then s'oradically% 4he iron rails were rusted% &moke from the stack had soiled the -reek flag% 4he boat smelled of old mo' buckets and a history of nausea% *efty didn+t ha)e his sea legs yet% 7e ke't falling against the railing% 7e stood at the chain for an a''ro'riate amount of time, then crossed to 'ort and returned aft% Desdemona, as arranged, was standing alone at the rail% "s *efty 'assed, he smiled and nodded% &he nodded coldly and looked back out to sea% 2n the third day, *efty took another after/dinner stroll% 7e walked forward, crossed to 'ort, and headed aft% 7e smiled at Desdemona and nodded again% 4his time,

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Desdemona smiled back% 0eBoining his fellow smokers, *efty in@uired if any of them might ha''en to know the name of that young woman tra)eling alone% 2n the fourth day out, *efty sto''ed and introduced himself% ,&o far the weather+s been good%1 ,I ho'e it stays that way%1 ,Jou+re tra)eling aloneD1 ,Jes%1 ,I am, too% Ahere are you going to in "mericaD1 ,Detroit%1 ,Ahat a coincidence> I+m going to Detroit, too%1 4hey stood chatting for another few minutes% 4hen Desdemona e3cused herself and went down below% 0umors of the budding romance s'read @uickly through the shi'% 4o 'ass the time, e)erybody was soon discussing how the tall young -reek with the elegant bearing had become enamored of the dark beauty who was ne)er seen anywhere without her car)ed oli)ewood bo3% ,4hey+re both tra)eling alone,1 'eo'le said% ,"nd they both ha)e relati)es in Detroit%1 ,I don+t think they+re right for each other%1 ,Ahy notD1 ,7e+s a higher class than she is% It+ll ne)er work%1 ,7e seems to like her, though%1 ,7e+s on a boat in the middle of the ocean> Ahat else does he ha)e to doD1 2n the fifth day, *efty and Desdemona took a stroll on deck together% 2n the si3th day, he 'resented his arm and she took it% ,I introduced them>1 one man boasted% 6ity girls sniffed% ,&he wears her hair in braids% &he looks like a 'easant%1 !y grandfather, on the whole, came in for better treatment% 7e was said to ha)e been a silk merchant from &myrna who+d lost his fortune in the fire; a son of Qing 6onstantine I by a 9rench mistress; a s'y for the Qaiser during the -reat Aar% *efty ne)er discouraged any s'eculation% 7e sei(ed the o''ortunity of transatlantic tra)el to rein)ent himself% 7e wra''ed a ratty blanket o)er his shoulders like an o'era ca'e% "ware that whate)er ha''ened now would become the truth, that whate)er he seemed to be would become what he was<already an "merican, in other words<he waited for Desdemona to come u' on deck% Ahen she did, he adBusted his wra', nodded to his shi'mates, and sauntered across the deck to 'ay his res'ects% ,7e+s smitten>1 ,I don+t think so% 4y'e like that, he+s Bust out for a little fun% 4hat girl better watch it or she+ll ha)e more than that bo3 to carry around%1 !y grand'arents enBoyed their simulated courtshi'% Ahen 'eo'le were within earshot, they engaged in first< or second/date con)ersations, making u' 'ast histories for themsel)es% ,&o,1 *efty would ask, ,do you ha)e any siblingsD1 ,I had a brother,1 Desdemona re'lied wistfully% ,7e ran off with a 4urkish girl% !y father disowned him%1 ,4hat+s )ery strict% I think lo)e breaks all taboos% Don+t youD1 "lone, they told each other, ,I think it+s working% Ho one sus'ects%1 ?ach time *efty encountered Desdemona on deck, he 'retended he+d only recently met her% 7e walked u', made small talk, commented on the beauty of the sunset, and then, gallantly, segued into the beauty of her face% Desdemona 'layed her

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'art, too% &he was standoffish at first% &he withdrew her arm whene)er he made an offcolor Boke% &he told him that her mother had warned her about men like him% 4hey 'assed the )oyage 'laying out this imaginary flirtation and, little by little, they began to belie)e it% 4hey fabricated memories, im'ro)ised fate% 8Ahy did they do itD Ahy did they go to all that troubleD 6ouldn+t they ha)e said they were already engagedD 2r that their marriage had been arranged years earlierD Jes, of course they could ha)e% =ut it wasn+t the other tra)elers they were trying to fool; it was themsel)es%: 4ra)eling made it easier% &ailing across the ocean among half a thousand 'erfect strangers con)eyed an anonymity in which my grand'arents could recreate themsel)es% 4he dri)ing s'irit on the Giulia was self/transformation% &taring out to sea, tobacco farmers imagined themsel)es as race car dri)ers, silk dyers as Aall &treet tycoons, millinery girls as fan dancers in the 2iegfeld Follies % -ray ocean stretched in all directions% ?uro'e and "sia !inor were dead behind them% "head lay "merica and new hori(ons% 2n the eighth day at sea, *efty &te'hanides, grandly, on one knee, in full )iew of si3 hundred and si3ty/three steerage 'assengers, 'ro'osed to Desdemona "ristos while she sat on a docking cleat% Joung women held their breath% !arried men nudged bachelors: , ay attention and you+ll learn something%1 !y grandmother, dis'laying a theatrical flair akin to her hy'ochondria, registered com'le3 emotions: sur'rise; initial delight; second thoughts; 'rudent near refusal; and then, to the a''lause already starting u', di((y acce'tance% 4he ceremony took 'lace on deck% In lieu of a wedding dress, Desdemona wore a borrowed silk shawl o)er her head% 6a'tain Qontoulis loaned *efty a necktie s'otted with gra)y stains% ,Qee' your coat buttoned and nobody will notice,1 he said% 9or stephana , my grand'arents had wedding crowns wo)en with ro'e% 9lowers weren+t a)ailable at sea and so the koum$aros , a guy named elos ser)ing as best man, switched the king+s hem'en crown to the @ueen+s head, the @ueen+s to the king+s, and back again% =ride and bridegroom 'erformed the Dance of Isaiah% 7i' to hi', arms interwo)en to hold hands, Desdemona and *efty circumambulated the ca'tain, once, twice, and then again, s'inning the cocoon of their life together% Ho 'atriarchal linearity here% Ae -reeks get married in circles, to im'ress u'on oursel)es the essential matrimonial facts: that to be ha''y you ha)e to find )ariety in re'etition; that to go forward you ha)e to come back where you began% 2r, in my grand'arents+ case, the circling worked like this: as they 'aced around the deck the first time, *efty and Desdemona were still brother and sister% 4he second time, they were bride and bridegroom% "nd the third, they were husband and wife% 4he night of my grand'arents+ wedding, the sun set directly before the shi'+s bow, 'ointing the way to Hew Jork% 4he moon rose, casting a sil)er stri'e o)er the ocean% 2n his nightly tour of the deck, 6a'tain Qontoulis descended from the 'ilothouse and marched forward% 4he wind had 'icked u'% 4he Giulia 'itched in high seas% "s the deck tilted back and forth, 6a'tain Qontoulis didn+t stumble once, and was e)en able to light one of the Indonesian cigarettes he fa)ored, di''ing his ca'+s braided brim to cut the wind% In his not terribly clean uniform, wearing knee/high 6retan boots, 6a'tain Qontoulis scrutini(ed running lights, stacked deck chairs, lifeboats% 4he Giulia was alone on the )ast "tlantic, hatches battened down against swells crashing o)er the side% 4he decks were em'ty e3ce't for two first/class 'assengers, "merican businessmen sharing a nightca' under la' blankets% ,9rom what I hear, 4ilden doesn+t

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Bust 'lay tennis with his 'rotIgIs, if you get my drift%1 ,Jou+re kidding%1 ,*ets them drink from the lo)ing cu'%1 6a'tain Qontoulis, understanding none of this, nodded as he 'assedK Inside one of the lifeboats, Desdemona was saying, ,Don+t look%1 &he was lying on her back% 4here was no goat+s/hair blanket between them, so *efty co)ered his eyes with his hands, 'eeking through his fingers% " single 'inhole in the tar' leaked moonlight, which slowly filled the lifeboat% *efty had seen Desdemona undress many times, but usually as no more than a shadow and ne)er in moonlight% &he had ne)er curled onto her back like this, lifting her feet to take off her shoes% 7e watched and, as she 'ulled down her skirt and lifted her tunic, was struck by how different his sister looked, in moonlight, in a lifeboat% &he glowed % &he ga)e off white light% 7e blinked behind his hands% 4he moonlight ke't rising; it co)ered his neck, it reached his eyes until he understood: Desdemona was wearing a corset% 4hat was the other thing she+d brought along: the white cloth enfolding her silkworm eggs was nothing other than Desdemona+s wedding corset% &he thought she+d ne)er wear it, but here it was% =rassiere cu's 'ointed u' at the can)as roof% Ahalebone slats s@uee(ed her waist% 4he corset+s skirt dro''ed garters attached to nothing because my grandmother owned no stockings% In the lifeboat, the corset absorbed all a)ailable moonlight, with the odd result that Desdemona+s face, head, and arms disa''eared% &he looked like Ainged Oictory, tumbled on her back, being carted off to a con@ueror+s museum% "ll that was missing was the wings% *efty took off his shoes and socks, as grit rained down% Ahen he remo)ed his underwear, the lifeboat filled with a mushroomy smell% 7e was ashamed momentarily, but Desdemona didn+t seem to mind% &he was distracted by her own mi3ed feelings% 4he corset, of course, reminded Desdemona of her mother, and suddenly the wrongness of what they were doing assailed her% ;ntil now she had been kee'ing it at bay% &he had had no time to dwell on it in the chaos of the last days% *efty, too, was conflicted% 4hough he had been tortured by thoughts of Desdemona, he was glad for the darkness of the lifeboat, glad, in 'articular, that he couldn+t see her face% 9or months *efty had sle't with whores who resembled Desdemona, but now he found it easier to 'retend that she was a stranger% 4he corset seemed to 'ossess its own sets of hands% 2ne was softly rubbing her between the legs% 4wo more cu''ed her breasts, one, two, three hands 'ressing and caressing her; and in the lingerie Desdemona saw herself through new eyes, her thin waist, her 'lum' thighs; she felt beautiful, desirable, most of all: not herself% &he lifted her feet, rested her cal)es on the oarlocks% &he s'read her legs% &he o'ened her arms for *efty, who twisted around, chafing his knees and elbows, dislodging oars, nearly setting off a flare, until finally he fell into her softness, swooning% 9or the first time Desdemona tasted the fla)or of his mouth, and the only sisterly thing she did during their lo)emaking was to come u' for air, once, to say, ,=ad boy% Jou+)e done this before%1 =ut *efty only ke't re'eating, ,Hot like this, not like this K1 "nd I was wrong before, I take it back% ;nderneath Desdemona, beating time against the boards and lifting her u': a 'air of wings% ,*efty>1 Desdemona now, breathlessly% ,I think I felt it%1 ,9elt whatD1 ,Jou know% 4hat feeling %1 ,Hewlyweds,1 6a'tain Qontoulis said, watching the lifeboat rock% ,2h, to be

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young again%1 "fter rincess &i *ing/chi<whom I find myself 'icturing as the im'erial )ersion of the bicyclist I saw on the ;/=ahn the other day; I can+t sto' thinking about her for some reason, I kee' looking for her e)ery morning<after rincess &i *ing/chi disco)ered silk, her nation ke't it a secret for three thousand one hundred and ninety years% "nyone who attem'ted to smuggle silkworm eggs out of 6hina faced 'unishment of death% !y family might ne)er ha)e become silk farmers if it hadn+t been for the ?m'eror Justinian, who, according to roco'ius, 'ersuaded two missionaries to risk it% In a%d% ..0, the missionaries snuck silkworm eggs out of 6hina in the swallowed condom of the time: a hollow staff% 4hey also brought the seeds of the mulberry tree% "s a result, =y(antium became a center for sericulture% !ulberry trees flourished on 4urkish hillsides% &ilkworms ate the lea)es% 9ourteen hundred years later, the descendants of those first stolen eggs filled my grandmother+s silkworm bo3 on the Giulia % I+m the descendant of a smuggling o'eration, too% Aithout their knowing, my grand'arents, on their way to "merica, were each carrying a single mutated gene on the fifth chromosome% It wasn+t a recent mutation% "ccording to Dr% *uce, the gene first a''eared in my bloodline sometime around 1#.0, in the body of one enelo'e ?)angelatos, my great/grandmother to the ninth 'ower% &he 'assed it on to her son etras, who 'assed it on to his two daughters, who 'assed it on to three of their fi)e children, and so on and so on% =eing recessi)e, its e3'ression would ha)e been fitful% &'oradic heredity is what the geneticists call it% " trait that goes underground for decades only to rea''ear when e)eryone has forgotten about it% 4hat was how it went in =ithynios% ?)ery so often a herma'hrodite was born, a seeming girl who, in growing u', 'ro)ed otherwise% 9or the ne3t si3 nights, under )arious meteorological conditions, my grand'arents trysted in the lifeboat% Desdemona+s guilt flared u' during the day, when she sat on deck wondering if she and *efty were to blame for e)erything, but by nighttime she felt lonely and wanted to esca'e the cabin and so stole back to the lifeboat and her new husband% 4heir honeymoon 'roceeded in re)erse% Instead of getting to know each other, becoming familiar with likes and dislikes, ticklish s'ots, 'et 'ee)es, Desdemona and *efty tried to defamiliari(e themsel)es with each other% In the s'irit of their shi'board con game, they continued to s'in out false histories for themsel)es, in)enting brothers and sisters with 'lausible names, cousins with moral shortcomings, in/laws with facial tics% 4hey took turns reciting 7omeric genealogies, full of falsifications and borrowings from real life, and sometimes they fought o)er this or that fa)orite real uncle or aunt, and had to bargain like casting directors% -radually, as the nights 'assed, these fictional relati)es began to crystalli(e in their minds% 4hey+d @ui( each other on obscure connections, *efty asking, ,Aho+s your second cousin Jiannis married toD1 "nd Desdemona re'lying, ,4hat+s easy% "thena% Aith the lim'%1 8"nd am I wrong to think that my obsession with family relations started right there in the lifeboatD Didn+t my mother @ui( me on uncles and aunts and cousins, tooD &he ne)er @ui((ed my brother, because he was in charge of snow sho)els and tractors, whereas I was su''osed to 'ro)ide the feminine glue that kee's families together, writing thank/you notes and remembering e)erybody+s birthdays and name days% *isten, I+)e heard the following genealogy come out of my mother+s mouth: ,4hat+s your cousin !elia% &he+s ;ncle !ike+s sister *ucille+s brother/in/law &tathis+s daughter% Jou know &tathis the

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mailman, who+s not too swiftD !elia+s his third child, after his boys !ike and Johnny% Jou should know her% !elia> &he+s your cousin/in/law by marriage>1: "nd here I am now, sketching it all out for you, dutifully oo(ing feminine glue, but also with a dull 'ain in my chest, because I reali(e that genealogies tell you nothing% 4essie knew who was related to whom but she had no idea who her own husband was, or what her in/laws were to each other; the whole thing a fiction created in the lifeboat where my grand'arents made u' their li)es% &e3ually, things were sim'le for them% Dr% eter *uce, the great se3ologist, can cite astonishing statistics asserting that oral se3 didn+t e3ist between married cou'les 'rior to 19.0% !y grand'arents+ lo)emaking was 'leasurable but un)arying% ?)ery night Desdemona would disrobe down to her corset and *efty would 'ress its clas's and hooks, searching for the secret combination that s'rung the locked garment o'en% 4he corset was all they needed in terms of an a'hrodisiac, and it remained for my grandfather the singular erotic emblem of his life% 4he corset made Desdemona new again% "s I said, *efty had glim'sed his sister naked before, but the corset had the odd 'ower of making her seem somehow more naked; it turned her into a forbidding, armored creature with a soft inside he had to hunt for% Ahen the tumblers clicked, it 'o''ed o'en; *efty crawled on to' of Desdemona and the two of them hardly e)en mo)ed; the ocean swells did the work for them% 4heir 'eri'hescence e3isted simultaneously with a less 'assionate stage of 'air bonding% &e3 could gi)e way, at any moment, to co(iness% &o, after making lo)e, they lay staring u' through the 'ulled/back tar' at the night sky 'assing o)erhead and got down to the business of life% ,!aybe *ina+s husband can gi)e me a Bob,1 *efty said% ,7e+s got his own business, rightD1 ,I don+t know what he does% *ina ne)er gi)es me a straight answer%1 ,"fter we sa)e some money, I can o'en a casino% &ome gambling, a bar, maybe a floor show% "nd 'otted 'alms e)erywhere%1 ,Jou should go to college% =ecome a 'rofessor like !other and 9ather wanted% "nd we ha)e to build a cocoonery, remember%1 ,9orget the silkworms% I+m talking roulette, rebetika, drinking, dancing% !aybe I+ll sell some hash on the side%1 ,4hey won+t let you smoke hashish in "merica%1 ,Aho saysD1 "nd Desdemona announced with certitude: ,It+s not that kind of country%1 4hey s'ent what remained of their honeymoon on deck, learning how to finagle their way through ?llis Island% It wasn+t so easy anymore% 4he Immigration 0estriction *eague had been formed in 159$% 2n the floor of the ;%&% &enate, 7enry 6abot *odge thum'ed a co'y of 3n the 3rigin of "pecies, warning that the influ3 of inferior 'eo'les from southern and eastern ?uro'e threatened ,the )ery fabric of our race%1 4he Immigration "ct of 191# barred thirty/three kinds of undesirables from entering the ;nited &tates, and so, in 19CC, on the deck of the Giulia , 'assengers discussed how to esca'e the categories% In ner)ous cram sessions, illiterates learned to 'retend to read; bigamists to admit to only one wife; anarchists to deny ha)ing read roudhon; heart 'atients to simulate )igor; e'ile'tics to deny their fits; and carriers of hereditary diseases to neglect mentioning them% !y grand'arents, unaware of their genetic mutation, concentrated on the more blatant dis@ualifications% "nother category of restriction: ,'ersons con)icted of a crime or misdemeanor in)ol)ing moral tur'itude%1

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"nd a subset of this grou': ,Incestuous relations%1 4hey a)oided 'assengers who seemed to be suffering from trachoma or fa)us% 4hey fled anyone with a hacking cough% 2ccasionally, for reassurance, *efty took out the certificate that declared:

Eleutherios Stephanides has been vaccinated and $%&O$SE' and is 'assed as )ermin/free this date &e't% CE, 19CC 'isinfection Maritime "iraeus
*iterate, married to only one 'erson 8albeit a sibling:, democratically inclined, mentally stable, and authoritati)ely deloused, my grand'arents saw no reason why they would ha)e trouble getting through% 4hey each had the re@uisite twenty/fi)e dollars a'iece% 4hey also had a s'onsor: their cousin &ourmelina% Just the year before, the Puota "ct had reduced the annual numbers of southern and eastern ?uro'ean immigrants from #5E,000 to 1..,000% It was nearly im'ossible to get into the country without either a s'onsor or stunning 'rofessional recommendations% 4o hel' their own chances, *efty 'ut away his 9rench 'hrase book and began memori(ing four lines of the Qing James Hew 4estament% 4he Giulia was full of inside sources familiar with the ?nglish literacy test% Different nationalities were asked to translate different bits of &cri'ture% 9or -reeks, it was !atthew 19:1C: ,9or there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother+s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which ha)e made themsel)es eunuchs for the kingdom of hea)en+s sake%1 ,?unuchsD1 Desdemona @uailed% ,Aho told you thisD1 ,4his is a 'assage from the =ible%1 ,Ahat =ibleD Hot the -reek =ible% -o ask somebody else what+s on that test%1 =ut *efty showed her the -reek at the to' of the card and the ?nglish below% 7e re'eated the 'assage word by word, making her memori(e it, whether or not she understood it% ,Ae didn+t ha)e enough eunuchs in 4urkeyD How we ha)e to talk about them at ?llis IslandD1 ,4he "mericans let in e)eryone,1 *efty Boked% ,?unuchs included%1 ,4hey should let us s'eak -reek if they+re so acce'ting,1 Desdemona grumbled% &ummer was abandoning the ocean% 2ne night it grew too cold in the lifeboat to crack the corset+s combination% Instead they huddled under blankets, talking% ,Is &ourmelina meeting us in Hew JorkD1 Desdemona asked% ,Ho% Ae ha)e to take a train to Detroit%1 ,Ahy can+t she meet usD1 ,It+s too far%1 ,Just as well% &he wouldn+t be on time anyway%1 4he ceaseless sea wind made the tar'+s edges fla'% 9rost formed on the lifeboat+s

$#

gunwales% 4hey could see the to' of the Giulia +s smokestack, the smoke itself discernible only as a starless 'atch of night sky% 84hough they didn+t know it, that stri'ed, canted smokestack was already informing them about their new home; it was whis'ering about 0i)er 0ouge and the ;niroyal 'lant, and the &e)en &isters and 4wo =rothers, but they didn+t listen; they wrinkled u' their noses and ducked down in the lifeboat away from the smoke%: "nd if the smell of industry didn+t insist on entering my story already, if Desdemona and *efty, who grew u' on a 'ine/scented mountain and who could ne)er get used to the 'olluted air of Detroit, hadn+t ducked down in the lifeboat, then they might ha)e detected a new aroma wafting in on the brisk sea air: a humid odor of mud and wet bark% *and% Hew Jork% "merica% ,Ahat are we going to tell &ourmelina about usD1 ,&he+ll understand%1 ,Aill she kee' @uietD1 ,4here are a few things she+d rather her husband didn+t know about her%1 ,Jou mean 7elenD1 ,I didn+t say a thing,1 said *efty% 4hey fell aslee' after that, waking to sunlight, and a face staring down at them% ,Did you ha)e a good slee'D1 6a'tain Qontoulis said% ,!aybe I could get you a blanketD1 ,I+m sorry,1 *efty said% ,Ae won+t do it again%1 ,Jou won+t get the chance,1 said the ca'tain and, to 'ro)e his 'oint, 'ulled the lifeboat+s tar' com'letely away% Desdemona and *efty sat u'% In the distance, lit by the rising sun, was the skyline of Hew Jork% It wasn+t the right sha'e for a city<no domes, no minarets<and it took them a minute to 'rocess the tall geometric forms% !ist curled off the bay% " million 'ink window'anes glittered% 6loser, crowned with her own sunrays and dressed like a classical -reek, the &tatue of *iberty welcomed them% ,7ow do you like thatD1 6a'tain Qontoulis asked% ,I+)e seen enough torches to last the rest of my life,1 said *efty% =ut Desdemona, for once, was more o'timistic% ,"t least it+s a woman,1 she said% ,!aybe here 'eo'le won+t be killing each other e)ery single day%1

Book T(o
)enry *ord+s English,&anguage Melting "ot
E,eryone who $uilds a factory $uilds a temple. -alvin -oolidge

Detroit was always made of wheels% *ong before the =ig 4hree and the nickname ,!otor 6ity1; before the auto factories and the freighters and the 'ink, chemical nights; before anyone had necked in a 4hunderbird or s'ooned in a !odel 4; 're)ious to the day a young 7enry 9ord knocked down his worksho' wall because, in de)ising his

$5

,@uadricycle,1 he+d thought of e)erything but how to get the damn thing out; and nearly a century 'rior to the cold !arch night, in 1596, when 6harles Qing tiller/steered his horseless carriage down &t% "ntoine, along Jefferson, and u' Aoodward ")enue 8where the two/stroke engine 'rom'tly @uit:; way, way back, when the city was Bust a 'iece of stolen Indian land located on the strait from which it got its name, a fort fought o)er by the =ritish and 9rench until, wearing them out, it fell into the hands of the "mericans; way back then, before cars and clo)erlea)es, Detroit was made of wheels% I am nine years old and holding my father+s meaty, sweaty hand% Ae are standing at a window on the to' floor of the ontchartrain 7otel% I ha)e come downtown for our annual lunch date% I am wearing a miniskirt and fuschia tights% " white 'atent leather 'urse hangs on a long stra' from my shoulder% 4he fogged window has s'ots on it% Ae are way u' high% I+m going to order shrim' scam'i in a minute% 4he reason for my father+s hand 'ers'iration: he+s afraid of heights% 4wo days ago, when he offered to take me where)er I wanted, I called out in my 'i'ing )oice, ,4o' of the ontch>1 7igh abo)e the city, amid the business lunchers and 'ower brokers, was where I wanted to be% "nd !ilton has been true to his 'romise% Des'ite racing 'ulse he has allowed the maVtre d+ to gi)e us a table ne3t to the window; so that now here we are<as a tu3edoed waiter 'ulls out my chair<and my father, too frightened to sit, begins a history lesson instead% Ahat+s the reason for studying historyD 4o understand the 'resent or a)oid itD !ilton, oli)e com'le3ion turning a shade 'ale, only says, ,*ook% &ee the wheelD1 "nd now I s@uint% 2bli)ious, at nine, to the 'ros'ect of crow+s/feet, I ga(e out o)er downtown, down to the streets where my father is indicating 8though not looking:% "nd there it is: half a hubca' of city 'la(a, with the s'okes of =agley, Aashington, Aoodward, =roadway, and !adison radiating from it% 4hat+s all that remains of the famous Aoodward lan% Drawn u' in 150# by the hard/drinking, e'onymous Budge% 84wo years earlier, in 150., the city had burned to the ground, the timber houses and ribbon farms of the settlement founded by 6adillac in 1#01 going u' in the s'an of three hours% "nd, in 1969, with my shar' )ision, I can read the traces of that fire on the city+s flag a half mile away in -rand 6ircus ark: "peramus meliora4 resurget cineri$us. ,Ae ho'e for better things; it will rise from the ashes%1: Judge Aoodward en)isioned the new Detroit as an urban "rcadia of interlocking he3agons% ?ach wheel was to be se'arate yet united, in accordance with the young nation+s federalism, as well as classically symmetrical, in accordance with Jeffersonian aesthetics% 4his dream ne)er @uite came to be% lanning is for the world+s great cities, for aris, *ondon, and 0ome, for cities dedicated, at some le)el, to culture% Detroit, on the other hand, was an "merican city and therefore dedicated to money, and so design had gi)en way to e3'ediency% &ince 1515, the city had s'read out along the ri)er, warehouse by warehouse, factory by factory% Judge Aoodward+s wheels had been s@uashed, bisected, 'ressed into the usual rectangles% 2r seen another way 8from a roofto' restaurant:: the wheels hadn+t )anished at all, they+d only changed form% =y 1900 Detroit was the leading manufacturer of carriages and wagons% =y 19CC, when my grand'arents arri)ed, Detroit made other s'inning things, too: marine engines, bicycles, handrolled cigars% "nd yes, finally: cars% "ll this was )isible from the train% "''roaching along the shore of the Detroit

$9

0i)er, *efty and Desdemona watched their new home take sha'e% 4hey saw farmland gi)e way to fenced lots and cobblestone streets% 4he sky darkened with smoke% =uildings flew by, brick warehouses 'ainted in 'ragmatic =ookman white: .right and /ay -o0 J1 )1 Black 2 Sons K'etroit Stove .orks % out on the water, s@uat, tar/colored barges dragged along, and 'eo'le 'o''ed u' on the streets, workmen in grimy o)eralls, clerks thumbing sus'enders, the signs of eateries and boardinghouses a''earing ne3t: /e "er,e "troh+s !emperance eer 5 Make !his Your Home Meals 67 cents5 K"s these new sights flooded my grand'arents+ brains, they Bostled with images from the day before% ?llis Island, rising like a Doge+s alace on the water% 4he =aggage 0oom stacked to the ceiling with luggage% 4hey+d been herded u' a stairway to the 0egistry 0oom% inned with numbers from the Giulia +s manifest, they+d filed 'ast a line of health ins'ectors who+d looked in their eyes and ears, rubbed their scal's, and fli''ed their eyelids inside out with buttonhooks% 2ne doctor, noticing inflammation under Dr% hilobosian+s eyelids, had sto''ed the e3amination and chalked an 3 on his coat% he was led out of line% my grand'arents hadn+t seen him again% ,7e must ha)e caught something on the boat,1 Desdemona said% ,2r his eyes were red from all that crying%1 !eanwhile, chalk continued to do its work all around them% It marked a "g on the belly of a 'regnant woman% It scrawled an) o)er an old man+s failing heart% It diagnosed the- of conBuncti)itis, the* of fa)us, and theT of trachoma% but, no matter how well trained, medical eyes couldn+t s'ot a recessi)e mutation hiding out on a fifth chromosome% 9ingers couldn+t feel it% =uttonhooks couldn+t bring it to lightK How, on the train, my grand'arents were tagged not with manifest numbers but with destination cards: ,4o the 6onductor: lease show bearer where to change and where to get off, as this 'erson does not s'eak ?nglish% =earer is bound to: -rand 4runk &ta% Detroit%1 4hey sat ne3t to each other in unreser)ed seats% *efty faced the window, looking out with e3citement% Desdemona stared down at her silkworm bo3, her cheeks crimson with the shame and fury she+d been suffering for the last thirty/si3 hours% ,4hat+s the last time anyone cuts my hair,1 she said% ,Jou look fine,1 said *efty, not looking% ,Jou look like an #merikanidha %1 ,I don+t want to look like an #merikanidha %1 In the concessions area at ?llis Island, *efty had caBoled Desdemona to ste' into a tent run by the JA6"% &he+d gone in, shawled and kerchiefed, and had emerged fifteen minutes later in a dro'waisted dress and a flo''y hat sha'ed like a chamber 'ot% 0age flamed beneath her new face 'owder% "s 'art of the makeo)er, the JA6" ladies had cut off Desdemona+s immigrant braids% 2bsessi)ely, in the way a 'erson worries a ri' dee' in a 'ocket, she now reached u' under the flo''y hat to feel her denuded scal' for the thirtieth or fortieth time% ,4hat+s the last haircut,1 she said again% 8&he was true to this )ow% 9rom that day on, Desdemona grew her hair out like *ady -odi)a, kee'ing it under a net in an enormous mass and washing it e)ery 9riday; and only after *efty died did she e)er cut it, gi)ing it to &o'hie &assoon, who sold it for two hundred and fifty dollars to a wigmaker who made fi)e se'arate wigs out of it, one of which, she claimed, was later bought by =etty 9ord, 'ost Ahite 7ouse and rehab, so that we got to see it on tele)ision once, during 0ichard Hi3on+s funeral, my grandmother+s hair, sitting on the e3/ resident+s wife+s head%: =ut there was another reason for my grandmother+s unha''iness% &he o'ened the

.0

silkworm bo3 in her la'% Inside were her two braids, still tied with the ribbons of mourning, but otherwise the bo3 was em'ty% "fter carrying her silkworm eggs all the way from =ithynios, Desdemona had been forced to dum' them out at ?llis Island% &ilkworm eggs a''eared on a list of 'arasites% *efty remained glued to the window% "ll the way from 7oboken he+d ga(ed out at the mar)elous sights: electric trams 'ulling 'ink faces u' "lbany+s hills; factories glowing like )olcanoes in the =uffalo night% 2nce, waking as the train 'ulled through a city at dawn, *efty had mistaken a 'illared bank for the arthenon, and thought he was in "thens again% How the Detroit 0i)er s'ed 'ast and the city loomed% *efty stared out at the motor cars 'arked like giant beetles at the curbsides% &mokestacks rose e)erywhere, cannons bombarding the atmos'here% 4here were red brick stacks and tall sil)er ones, stacks in regimental rows or all alone 'uffing meditati)ely away, a forest of smokestacks that dimmed the sunlight and then, all of a sudden, blocked it out com'letely% ?)erything went black: they+d entered the train station% -rand 4runk &tation, now a ruin of s'ectacular dimensions, was then the city+s attem't to one/u' Hew Jork% Its base was a mammoth marble neoclassical museum, com'lete with 6orinthian 'illars and car)ed entablature% 9rom this tem'le rose a thirteen/story office building% *efty, who+d been obser)ing all the ways -reece had been handed down to "merica, arri)ed now at where the transmission sto''ed% In other words: the future% 7e ste''ed off to meet it% Desdemona, ha)ing no alternati)e, followed% =ut Bust imagine it in those days> -rand 4runk> 4ele'hones in a hundred shi''ing offices ringing away, still a relati)ely new sound; and merchandise being sent east and west; 'assengers arri)ing and de'arting, ha)ing coffee in the alm 6ourt or getting their shoes shined, the wing ti's of banking, the ca' toes of 'arts su''ly, the saddle shoes of rumrunning% -rand 4runk, with its )aulted ceilings of -uasta)ino tilework, its chandeliers, its floors of Aelsh @uarry stone% 4here was a si3/chair barbersho', where ci)ic leaders were mummified in hot towels; and bathtubs for rent; and ele)ator banks lit by translucent egg/sha'ed marble lam's% *ea)ing Desdemona behind a 'illar, *efty searched through the mob in the station for the cousin who was meeting their train% &ourmelina Gi(mo, nIe a'adiamando'oulos, was my grand'arents+ cousin and hence my first cousin twice remo)ed% I knew her as a colorful, older woman% &ourmelina of the 'recarious cigarette ash% &ourmelina of the indigo bathwater% &ourmelina of the 4heoso'hical &ociety brunches% &he wore satin glo)es u' to the elbow and mothered a long line of smelly dachshunds with tearstained eyes% 9ootstools 'o'ulated her house, allowing the short/legged creatures access to sofas and chaise longues% In 19CC, howe)er, &ourmelina was only twenty/eight% icking her out of this crowd at -rand 4runk is as difficult for me as identifying guests in my 'arents+ wedding album, where all the faces wear the disguise of youth% *efty had a different 'roblem% 7e 'aced the concourse, looking for the cousin he+d grown u' with, a shar'/nosed girl with the grinning mouth of a comedy mask% &un slanted in from the skylights abo)e% 7e s@uinted, e3amining the 'assing women, until finally she called out to him, ,2)er here, cousin% Don+t you recogni(e meD I+m the irresistible one%1 ,*ina, is that youD1 ,I+m not in the )illage anymore%1 In the fi)e years since lea)ing 4urkey, &ourmelina had managed to erase Bust

.1

about e)erything identifiably -reek about her, from her hair, which she dyed to a rich chestnut and now wore bobbed and marcelled, to her accent, which had migrated far enough west to sound )aguely ,?uro'ean,1 to her reading material 8 -ollier+s, Harper+s :, to her fa)orite foods 8lobster thermidor, 'eanut butter:, and finally to her clothes% &he wore a short green fla''er dress fringed at the hemline% 7er shoes were a matching green satin with se@uined toes and delicate ankle stra's% " black feather boa was wra''ed around her shoulders, and on her head was a cloche hat that dangled ony3 'endants o)er her 'lucked eyebrows% 9or the ne3t few seconds she ga)e *efty the full benefit of her sleek, "merican 'ose, but it was still *ina inside there 8under the cloche: and soon her -reek enthusiasm bubbled out% &he s'read her arms wide% ,Qiss me hello, cousin%1 4hey embraced% *ina 'ressed a rouged cheek against his neck% 4hen she 'ulled back to e3amine him and, dissol)ing into laughter, cu''ed her hand o)er his nose% ,It+s still you% I+d know this nose anywhere%1 7er laugh com'leted its follow/through, as her shoulders went u' and down, and then she was on to the ne3t thing% ,&o, where is sheD Ahere is this new bride of yoursD Jour telegram didn+t e)en gi)e a name% AhatD Is she hidingD1 ,&he+s K in the bathroom%1 ,&he must be a beauty% Jou got married fast enough% Ahich did you do first, introduce yourself or 'ro'oseD1 ,I think I 'ro'osed%1 ,Ahat does she look likeD1 ,&he looks K like you%1 ,2h, darling, not that good surely%1 &ourmelina brought her cigarette holder to her li's and inhaled, scanning the crowd% , oor Desdemona> 7er brother falls in lo)e and lea)es her behind in Hew Jork% 7ow is sheD1 ,&he+s fine%1 ,Ahy didn+t she come with youD &he+s not Bealous of your new wife, is sheD1 ,Ho, nothing like that%1 &he clutched his arm% ,Ae read about the fire% !erri$le' I was so worried until I got your letter% 4he 4urks started it% I know it% 2f course, my husband doesn+t agree%1 ,7e doesn+tD1 ,2ne suggestion, since you+ll be li)ing with usD Don+t talk 'olitics with my husband%1 ,"ll right%1 ,"nd the )illageD1 &ourmelina in@uired% ,?)erybody left the horeo , *ina% 4here+s nothing now%1 ,If I didn+t hate that 'lace, maybe I+d shed two tears%1 ,*ina, there+s something I ha)e to e3'lain to you K1 =ut &ourmelina was looking away, ta''ing her foot% ,!aybe she fell in%1 ,K &omething about Desdemona and me K1 ,JesD1 ,K !y wife K Desdemona K1 ,Aas I rightD 4hey don+t get alongD1 ,Ho K Desdemona K my wife K1 ,JesD1 ,&ame 'erson%1 7e ga)e the signal% Desdemona ste''ed from behind the 'illar%

.C

,7ello, *ina,1 my grandmother said% ,Ae+re married% Don+t tell%1 "nd that was how it came out, for the ne3t/to/last time% =lurted out by my yia yia , beneath the echoing roof of -rand 4runk, toward &ourmelina+s cloche/co)ered ears% 4he confession ho)ered in the air a moment, before floating away with the smoke rising from her cigarette% Desdemona took her husband+s arm% !y grand'arents had e)ery reason to belie)e that &ourmelina would kee' their secret% &he+d come to "merica with a secret of her own, a secret that would be guarded by our family until &ourmelina died in 19#9, whereu'on, like e)eryone+s secrets, it was 'osthumously declassified, so that 'eo'le began to s'eak of ,&ourmelina+s girlfriends%1 " secret ke't, in other words, only by the loosest definition, so that now<as I get ready to leak the information myself<I feel only a slight twinge of filial guilt% &ourmelina+s secret 8as "unt Go 'ut it:: ,*ina was one of those women they named the island after%1 "s a girl in the horeo , &ourmelina had been caught in com'romising circumstances with a few female friends% ,Hot many,1 she told me herself, years later, ,two or three% eo'le think if you like girls, you like e)ery single one% I was always 'icky% "nd there wasn+t much to 'ick from%1 9or a while she+d struggled against her 'redis'osition% ,I went to church% It didn+t hel'% In those days that was the best 'lace to meet a girlfriend% In church> "ll of us 'raying to be different%1 Ahen &ourmelina was caught not with another girl but with a full/grown woman, a mother of two children, a scandal arose% &ourmelina+s 'arents tried to arrange her marriage but found no takers% 7usbands were hard enough to come by in =ithynios without the added liability of an uninterested, defecti)e bride% 7er father had then done what -reek fathers of unmarriageable girls did in those days: he wrote to "merica% 4he ;nited &tates abounded with dollar bills, baseball sluggers, raccoon coats, diamond Bewelry<and lonely, immigrant bachelors% Aith a 'hotogra'h of the 'ros'ecti)e bride and a considerable dowry, her father had come u' with one% Jimmy Gi(mo 8shortened from Gisimo'oulos: had come to "merica in 190# at the age of thirty% 4he family didn+t know much about him e3ce't that he was a hard bargainer% In a series of letters to &ourmelina+s father, Gi(mo had negotiated the amount of the dowry in the formal language of a barrister, e)en going so far as to demand a bank check before the wedding day% 4he 'hotogra'h &ourmelina recei)ed showed a tall, handsome man with a )irile mustache, holding a 'istol in one hand and a bottle of li@uor in the other% Ahen she ste''ed off the train at -rand 4runk two months later, howe)er, the short man who greeted her was clean/sha)en, with a sour e3'ression and a laborer+s dark com'le3ion% &uch a discre'ancy might ha)e disa''ointed a normal bride, but &ourmelina didn+t care one way or another% &ourmelina had written often, describing her new life in "merica, but she concentrated on the new fashions, or her "eriola Jr%, the radio she s'ent hours each day listening to, wearing ear'hones and mani'ulating the dial, sto''ing e)ery so often to clean off the carbon dust that built u' on the crystal% &he ne)er mentioned anything connected to what Desdemona referred to as ,the bed,1 and so her cousins were forced to read between the lines of those aerograms, trying to see, in a descri'tion of a &unday dri)e through =elle Isle, whether the face of the husband at the wheel was ha''y or unsatisfied; or inferring, from a 'assage about &ourmelina+s latest hairstyle<something called ,cootie garages1<whether Gi(mo was e)er allowed to muss it u'% 4his same &ourmelina, full of her own secrets, now took in her new

.E

co/cons'irators% ,!arriedD Jou mean slee'ing/together marriedD1 *efty managed, ,Jes%1 &ourmelina noticed her ash for the first time, and flicked it% ,Just my luck% &oon as I lea)e the )illage, things get interesting%1 =ut Desdemona couldn+t abide such irony% &he grabbed &ourmelina+s hands and 'leaded, ,Jou ha)e to 'romise ne)er to tell% Ae+ll li)e, we+ll die, and that will be the end of it%1 ,I won+t tell%1 , eo'le can+t e)en know I+m your cousin%1 ,I won+t tell anyone%1 ,Ahat about your husbandD1 ,7e thinks I+m 'icking u' my cousin and his new wife%1 ,Jou won+t say anything to himD1 ,4hat+ll be easy%1 *ina laughed% ,7e doesn+t listen to me%1 &ourmelina insisted on getting a 'orter to carry their suitcases to the car, a black/and/tan ackard% &he ti''ed him and climbed behind the wheel, attracting looks% " woman dri)ing was still a scandalous sight in 19CC% "fter resting her cigarette holder on the dashboard, she 'ulled out the choke, waited the re@uisite fi)e seconds, and 'ressed the ignition button% 4he car+s tin bonnet shuddered to life% 4he leather seats began to )ibrate and Desdemona took hold of her husband+s arm% ;' front, &ourmelina took off her satin/stra' high heels to dri)e barefoot% &he 'ut the car into gear and, without checking traffic, lurched off down !ichigan ")enue toward 6adillac &@uare% !y grand'arents+ eyes gla(ed o)er at the sheer acti)ity, streetcars rumbling, bells clanging, and the monochrome traffic swer)ing in and out% In those days downtown Detroit was filled with sho''ers and businessmen% 2utside 7udson+s De'artment &tore the crowd was ten thick, Bostling to get in the newfangled re)ol)ing doors% *ina 'ointed out the sights: the6afI 9rontenac K the 9amily 4heatre K and the enormous electric signs:0alston K Aait W =ond =lackstone !ild 10X 6igar% "bo)e, a thirty/foot boy s'read !eadow -old =utter on a ten/foot slice of bread% 2ne building had a row of giant oil lam's o)er the entrance to 'romote a sale on until 2ctober E1% It was all swirl and hubbub, Desdemona lying against the backseat, already suffering the an3iety that modern con)eniences would induce in her o)er the years, cars mainly, but toasters, too, lawn s'rinklers and escalators; while *efty grinned and shook his head% &kyscra'ers were going u' e)erywhere, and mo)ie 'alaces and hotels% 4he twenties saw the construction of nearly all Detroit+s great buildings, the enobscot =uilding and the second =uhl =uilding colored like an Indian belt, the Hew ;nion 4rust =uilding, the 6adillac 4ower, the 9isher =uilding with its gilded roof% 4o my grand'arents Detroit was like one big Qo(a 7an during cocoon season% Ahat they didn+t see were the workers slee'ing on the streets because of the housing shortage, and the ghetto Bust to the east, a thirty/s@uare/block area bounded by *eland, !acomb, 7astings, and =rush streets, teeming with the city+s "frican "mericans, who weren+t allowed to li)e anywhere else% 4hey didn+t see, in short, the seeds of the city+s destruction<its second destruction<because they were 'art of it, too, all these 'eo'le coming from e)erywhere to cash in on 7enry 9ord+s fi)e/dollar/a/day 'romise% 4he ?ast &ide of Detroit was a @uiet neighborhood of single/family homes, shaded by cathedral elms% 4he house on 7urlbut &treet *ina dro)e them to was a modest, two/story building of root/beer/colored brick% !y grand'arents ga'ed at it from the car, unable to mo)e, until suddenly the front door o'ened and someone

.$

ste''ed out% Jimmy Gi(mo was so many things I don+t know where to begin% "mateur herbalist; antisuffragist; big/game hunter; e3/con; drug 'usher; teetotaler<take your 'ick% 7e was forty/fi)e years old, nearly twice as old as his wife% &tanding on the dim 'orch, he wore an ine3'ensi)e suit and a shirt with a 'ointy collar that had lost most of its starch% 7is fri((y black hair ga)e him the wild look of the bachelor he+d been for so many years, and this im'ression was heightened by his face, which was rum'led like an unmade bed% 7is eyebrows, howe)er, were as seducti)ely arched as a nautch girl+s, his eyelashes so thick he might ha)e been wearing mascara% =ut my grandmother didn+t notice any of that% &he was fi3ated on something else% ,"n "rabD1 Desdemona asked as soon as she was alone with her cousin in the kitchen% ,Is that why you didn+t tell us about him in your lettersD1 ,7e+s not an "rab% 7e+s from the =lack &ea%1 ,4his is the sala ,1 Gi(mo was meanwhile e3'laining to *efty as he showed him around the house% , ontian>1 Desdemona gas'ed with horror, while also e3amining the icebo3% ,7e+s not !uslim, is heD1 ,Hot e)erybody from the ontus con)erted,1 *ina scoffed% ,Ahat do you think, a -reek takes a swim in the =lack &ea and turns into a !uslimD1 ,=ut does he ha)e 4urkish bloodD1 &he lowered her )oice% ,Is that why he+s so darkD1 ,I don+t know and I don+t care%1 ,Jou+re free to stay as long as you like1<Gi(mo was now leading *efty u'stairs<,but there are a few house rules% 9irst, I+m a )egetarian% If your wife wants to cook meat, she has to use se'arate 'ots and dishes% "lso, no whiskey% Do you drinkD1 ,&ometimes%1 ,Ho drinking% -o to a s'eakeasy if you want to drink% I don+t want any trouble with the 'olice% How, about the rent% Jou Bust got marriedD1 ,Jes%1 ,Ahat kind of dowry did you getD1 ,DowryD1 ,Jes% 7ow muchD1 ,=ut did you know he was so oldD1 Desdemona whis'ered downstairs as she ins'ected the o)en% ,"t least he+s not my brother%1 ,Puiet> Don+t e)en Boke%1 ,I didn+t get a dowry,1 answered *efty% ,Ae met on the boat o)er%1 ,Ho dowry>1 Gi(mo sto''ed on the stairs to look back at *efty with astonishment% ,Ahy did you get married, thenD1 ,Ae fell in lo)e,1 *efty said% 7e+d ne)er announced it to a stranger before, and it made him feel ha''y and frightened all at once% ,If you don+t get 'aid, don+t get married,1 Gi(mo said% ,4hat+s why I waited so long% I was holding out for the right 'rice%1 7e winked% ,*ina mentioned you ha)e your own business now,1 *efty said with sudden interest, following Gi(mo into the bathroom% ,Ahat kind of business is itD1 ,!eD I+m an im'orter%1 ,I don+t know of what,1 &ourmelina answered in the kitchen% ,"n im'orter% "ll I know is he brings home money%1

..

,=ut how can you marry somebody you don+t know anything aboutD1 ,4o get out of that country, Des, I would ha)e married a cri''le%1 ,I ha)e some e3'erience with im'orting,1 *efty managed to get in as Gi(mo demonstrated the 'lumbing% ,=ack in =ursa% In the silk industry%1 ,Jour 'ortion of the rent is twenty dollars%1 Gi(mo didn+t take the hint% 7e 'ulled the chain, unleashing a flood of water% ,"s far as I+m concerned,1 *ina was continuing downstairs, ,when it comes to husbands, the older the better%1 &he o'ened the 'antry door% ," young husband would be after me all the time% It would be too much of a strain%1 ,&hame on you, *ina%1 =ut Desdemona was laughing now, des'ite herself% It was wonderful to see her old cousin again, a little 'iece of =ithynios still intact% 4he dark 'antry, full of figs, almonds, walnuts, hal)ah, and dried a'ricots, made her feel better, too% ,=ut where can I get the rentD1 *efty finally blurted out as they headed back downstairs% ,I don+t ha)e any money left% Ahere can I workD1 ,Hot a 'roblem%1 Gi(mo wa)ed his hand% ,I+ll s'eak to a few 'eo'le%1 4hey came through the sala again% Gi(mo sto''ed and looked significantly down% ,Jou ha)en+t com'limented my (ebra skin rug%1 ,It+s )ery nice%1 ,I brought it back from "frica% &hot it myself%1 ,Jou+)e been to "fricaD1 ,I+)e been all o)er%1 *ike e)erybody else in town, they s@uee(ed in together% Desdemona and *efty sle't in a bedroom directly abo)e Gi(mo and *ina+s, and the first few nights my grandmother climbed out of bed to 'ut her ear to the floor% ,Hothing,1 she said, ,I told you%1 ,6ome back to bed,1 *efty scolded% ,4hat+s their business%1 ,Ahat businessD 4hat+s what I+m telling you% 4hey aren+t ha)ing any business%1 Ahile in the bedroom below, Gi(mo was discussing the new boarders u'stairs% ,Ahat a romantic> !eets a girl on the boat and marries her% Ho dowry%1 ,&ome 'eo'le marry for lo)e%1 ,!arriage is for housekee'ing and for children% Ahich reminds me%1 , lease, Jimmy, not tonight%1 ,4hen whenD 9i)e years we+)e been married and no children% Jou+re always sick, tired, this, that% 7a)e you been taking the castor oilD1 ,Jes%1 ,"nd the magnesiumD1 ,Jes%1 ,-ood% Ae ha)e to reduce your bile% If the mother has too much bile, the child will lack )igor and disobey his 'arents%1 ,-ood night, kyrie %1 ,-ood night, kyria %1 =efore the week was out, all my grand'arents+ @uestions about &ourmelina+s marriage had been answered% =ecause of his age, Jimmy Gi(mo treated his young bride more like a daughter than a wife% 7e was always telling her what she could and couldn+t do, howling o)er the 'rice and necklines of her outfits, telling her to go to bed, to get u', to s'eak, to kee' silent% 7e refused to gi)e her the car keys until she caBoled him with kisses and caresses% 7is nutritional @uackery e)en led him to monitor her

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regularity like a doctor, and some of their biggest fights came as a result of his interrogating *ina about her stools% "s for se3ual relations, they had ha''ened, but not recently% 9or the last fi)e months *ina had com'lained of imaginary ailments, 'referring her husband+s herbal cures to his amatory attentions% Gi(mo, in turn, harbored )aguely yogic beliefs about the mental benefits of semen retention, and so was dis'osed to wait until his wife+s )itality returned% 4he house was se3/segregated like the houses in the patridha , the old country, men in the sala , women in the kitchen% 4wo s'heres with se'arate concerns, duties, e)en<the e)olutionary biologists might say<thought 'atterns% *efty and Desdemona, accustomed to li)ing in their own house, were forced to ada't to their new landlord+s ways% =esides, my grandfather needed a Bob% In those days there were a lot of car com'anies to work for% 4here was 6halmers, !et(ger, =rush, 6olumbia, and 9landers% 4here was 7u'', aige, 7udson, Qrit, &a3on, *iberty, 0ickenbacker, and Dodge% Jimmy Gi(mo, howe)er, had connections at 9ord% ,I+m a su''lier,1 he said% ,2f whatD1 ,"ssorted fuels%1 4hey were in the ackard again, )ibrating on thin tires% " light mist was falling% *efty s@uinted through the fogged windshield% *ittle by little, as they a''roached along !ichigan ")enue, he began to be aware of a monolith looming in the distance, a building like a gigantic church organ, 'i'es running into the sky% 4here was also a smell: the same smell that would drift u'ri)er, years later, to find me in my bed or in the field hockey goal% *ike my own, similarly beaked nose at those times, my grandfather+s nose went on alert% 7is nostrils flared% 7e inhaled% "t first the smell was recogni(able, 'art of the organic realm of bad eggs and manure% =ut after a few seconds the smell+s chemical 'ro'erties seared his nostrils, and he co)ered his nose with his handkerchief% Gi(mo laughed% ,Don+t worry% Jou+ll get used to it%1 ,Ho, I won+t%1 ,Do you want to know the secretD1 ,AhatD1 ,Don+t breathe%1 Ahen they reached the factory, Gi(mo took him into the ersonnel De'artment% ,7ow long has he li)ed in DetroitD1 the manager asked% ,&i3 months%1 ,6an you )erify thatD1 Gi(mo now s'oke in a low tone% ,I could dro' the necessary documents by your house%1 4he 'ersonnel manager looked both ways% ,2ld *og 6abinD1 ,2nly the best%1 4he chief Butted out his lower li', e3amining my grandfather% ,7ow+s his ?nglishD1 ,Hot as good as mine% =ut he learns fast%1 ,7e+ll ha)e to take the course and 'ass the test% 2therwise he+s out%1 ,It+s a deal% How, if you+ll write down your home address, we can schedule a deli)ery% Aould !onday e)ening, say around eight/thirty, be suitableD1 ,6ome around to the back door%1 !y grandfather+s short em'loy at the 9ord !otor 6om'any marked the only time

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any &te'hanides has e)er worked in the automobile industry% Instead of cars, we would become manufacturers of hamburger 'latters and -reek salads, industrialists of s'aniko'ita and grilled cheese sandwiches, technocrats of rice 'udding and banana cream 'ie% 2ur assembly line was the grill; our hea)y machinery, the soda fountain% &till, those twenty/fi)e weeks ga)e us a 'ersonal connection to that massi)e, forbidding, awe/ins'iring com'le3 we saw from the highway, that controlled Oesu)ius of chutes, tubes, ladders, catwalks, fire, and smoke known, like a 'lague or a monarch, only by a color: ,the 0ouge%1 2n his first day of work, *efty came into the kitchen modeling his new o)eralls% 7e s'read his flannel/shirted arms and sna''ed his fingers, dancing in work boots, and Desdemona laughed and shut the kitchen door so as not to wake u' *ina% *efty ate his breakfast of 'runes and yogurt, reading a -reek news'a'er a few days old% Desdemona 'acked his -reek lunch of feta, oli)es, and bread in a new "merican container: a brown 'a'er bag% "t the back door, when he turned to kiss her she ste''ed back, an3ious that 'eo'le might see% =ut then she remembered that they were married now% 4hey li)ed in a 'lace called !ichigan, where the birds seemed to come in only one color, and where no one knew them% Desdemona ste''ed forward again to meet her husband+s li's% 4heir first kiss in the great "merican outdoors, on the back 'orch, near a cherry tree losing its lea)es% " brief flare of ha''iness went off inside her and hung, raining s'arks, until *efty disa''eared around the front of the house% !y grandfather+s good mood accom'anied him all the way to the trolley sto'% 2ther workers were already waiting, loose/kneed, smoking cigarettes and Boking% *efty noticed their metal lunch 'ails and, embarrassed by his 'a'er sack, held it behind him% 4he streetcar showed u' first as a hum in the soles of his boots% 4hen it a''eared against the rising sun, "'ollo+s own chariot, only electrified% Inside, men stood in grou's arranged by language% 9aces scrubbed for work still had soot inside the ears, dee' black% 4he streetcar s'ed off again% &oon the Bo)ial mood dissi'ated and the languages fell silent% Hear downtown, a few blacks boarded the car, standing outside on the runners, holding on to the roof% "nd then the 0ouge a''eared against the sky, rising out of the smoke it generated% "t first all that was )isible was the to's of the eight main smokestacks% ?ach ga)e birth to its own dark cloud% 4he clouds 'lumed u'ward and merged into a general 'all that hung o)er the landsca'e, sending a shadow that ran along the trolley tracks; and *efty understood that the men+s silence was a recognition of this shadow, of its ine)itable a''roach each morning% "s it came on, the men turned their backs so that only *efty saw the light lea)e the sky as the shadow en)elo'ed the streetcar and the men+s faces turned gray and one of the ma,ros on the runners s'at blood onto the roadside% 4he smell see'ed into the streetcar ne3t, first the bearable eggs and manure, then the unbearable chemical taint, and *efty looked at the other men to see if they registered it, but they didn+t, though they continued to breathe% 4he doors o'ened and they all filed out% 4hrough the hanging smoke, *efty saw other streetcars letting off other workers, hundreds and hundreds of gray figures trudging across the 'a)ed courtyard toward the factory gates% 4rucks were dri)ing 'ast, and *efty let himself be taken along with the flow of the ne3t shift, fifty, si3ty, se)enty thousand men hurrying last cigarettes or getting in final words<because as they a''roached the factory they+d begun to s'eak again, not because they had anything to say but because beyond those doors language wasn+t allowed% 4he main building, a fortress of dark brick, was se)en stories high, the smokestacks se)enteen% 0unning off it were two chutes to''ed by

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water towers% 4hese led to obser)ation decks and to adBoining refineries studded with less im'ressi)e stacks% It was like a gro)e of trees, as if the 0ouge+s eight main smokestacks had sown seeds to the wind, and now ten or twenty or fifty smaller trunks were s'routing u' in the infertile soil around the 'lant% *efty could see the train tracks now, the huge silos along the ri)er, the giant s'ice bo3 of coal, coke, and iron ore, and the catwalks stretching o)erhead like giant s'iders% =efore he was sucked in the door, he glim'sed a freighter and a bit of the ri)er 9rench e3'lorers named for its reddish color, long before the water turned orange from runoff or e)er caught on fire% 7istorical fact: 'eo'le sto''ed being human in 191E% 4hat was the year 7enry 9ord 'ut his cars on rollers and made his workers ado't the s'eed of the assembly line% "t first, workers rebelled% 4hey @uit in dro)es, unable to accustom their bodies to the new 'ace of the age% &ince then, howe)er, the ada'tation has been 'assed down: we+)e all inherited it to some degree, so that we 'lug right into Boysticks and remotes, to re'etiti)e motions of a hundred kinds% =ut in 19CC it was still a new thing to be a machine% 2n the factory floor, my grandfather was trained for his Bob in se)enteen minutes% art of the new 'roduction method+s genius was its di)ision of labor into unskilled tasks% 4hat way you could hire anyone% "nd fire anyone% 4he foreman showed *efty how to take a bearing from the con)eyor, grind it on a lathe, and re'lace it% 7olding a sto'watch, he timed the new em'loyee+s attem'ts% 4hen, nodding once, he led *efty to his 'osition on the *ine% 2n the left stood a man named Aier(bicki; on the right, a man named 2+!alley% 9or a moment, they are three men, waiting together% 4hen the whistle blows% ?)ery fourteen seconds Aier(bicki reams a bearing and &te'hanides grinds a bearing and 2+!alley attaches a bearing to a camshaft% 4his camshaft tra)els away on a con)eyor, curling around the factory, through its clouds of metal dust, its acid fogs, until another worker fifty yards on reaches u' and remo)es the camshaft, fitting it onto the engine block 8twenty seconds:% &imultaneously, other men are unhooking 'arts from adBacent con)eyors<the carburetor, the distributor, the intake manifold<and connecting them to the engine block% "bo)e their bent heads, huge s'indles 'ound steam/'owered fists% Ho one says a word% Aier(bicki reams a bearing and &te'hanides grinds a bearing and 2+!alley attaches a bearing to a camshaft% 4he camshaft circles around the floor until a hand reaches u' to take it down and attach it to the engine block, growing increasingly eccentric now with swooshes of 'i'e and the 'lumage of fan blades% Aier(bicki reams a bearing and &te'hanides grinds a bearing and 2+!alley attaches a bearing to a camshaft% Ahile other workers screw in the air filter 8se)enteen seconds: and attach the starter motor 8twenty/si3 seconds: and 'ut on the flywheel% "t which 'oint the engine is finished and the last man sends it soaring awayK ?3ce't that he isn+t the last man% 4here are other men below hauling the engine in, as a chassis rolls out to meet it% 4hese men attach the engine to the transmission 8twenty/fi)e seconds:% Aier(bicki reams a bearing and &te'hanides grinds a bearing and 2+!alley attaches a bearing to a camshaft% !y grandfather sees only the bearing in front of him, his hands remo)ing it, grinding it, and 'utting it back as another a''ears% 4he con)eyor o)er his head e3tends back to the men who stam' out the bearings and load ingots into the furnaces; it goes back to the 9oundry where the Hegroes work, goggled against the infernal light and heat% 4hey feed iron ore into the =last 2)en and 'our molten steel into core molds from ladles% 4hey 'our at Bust the right rate<too @uickly and the molds will e3'lode; too slowly and the steel will harden% 4hey can+t

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sto' e)en to 'ick the burning bits of metal from their arms% &ometimes the foreman does it; sometimes not% 4he 9oundry is the dee'est recess of the 0ouge, its molten core, but the *ine goes back farther than that% It e3tends outside to the hills of coal and coke; it goes to the ri)er where freighters dock to unload the ore, at which 'oint the *ine becomes the ri)er itself, snaking u' to the north woods until it reaches its source, which is the earth itself, the limestone and sandstone therein; and then the *ine leads back again, out of substrata to ri)er to freighters and finally to the cranes, sho)els, and furnaces where it is turned into molten steel and 'oured into molds, cooling and hardening into car 'arts<the gears, dri)e shafts, and fuel tanks of 19CC !odel 4+s% Aier(bicki reams a bearing and &te'hanides grinds a bearing and 2+!alley attaches a bearing to a camshaft% "bo)e and behind, at )arious angles, workers 'ack sand into core molds, or hammer 'lugs into molds, or 'ut casting bo3es into the cu'ola furnace% 4he *ine isn+t a single line but many, di)erging and intersecting% 2ther workers stam' out body 'arts 8fifty seconds:, bum' them 8forty/two seconds:, and weld the 'ieces together 8one minute and ten seconds:% Aier(bicki reams a bearing and &te'hanides grinds a bearing and 2+!alley attaches a bearing to a camshaft% 4he camshaft flies around the factory until a man unhooks it, attaches it to the engine block, growing eccentric now with fan blades, 'i'es, and s'ark 'lugs% "nd then the engine is finished% " man sends it dro''ing down onto a chassis rolling out to meet it, as three other workers remo)e a car body from the o)en, its black finish baked to a shine in which they can see their own faces, and they recogni(e themsel)es, momentarily, before they dro' the body onto the chassis rolling out to meet it% " man Bum's into the front seat 8three seconds:, turns the ignition 8two seconds:, and dri)es the automobile away% =y day, no words; by night, hundreds% ?)ery e)ening at @uitting time my e3hausted grandfather would come out of the factory and tram' across to an adBacent building housing the 9ord ?nglish &chool% 7e sat in a desk with his workbook o'en in front of him% 4he desk felt as though it were )ibrating across the floor at the *ine+s 1%C miles 'er hour% 7e looked u' at the ?nglish al'habet in a frie(e on the classroom walls% In rows around him, men sat o)er identical workbooks% 7air stiff from dried sweat, eyes red from metal dust, hands raw, they recited with the obedience of choirboys: ,?m'loyees should use 'lenty of soa' and water in the home% ,Hothing makes for right li)ing so much as cleanliness% ,Do not s'it on the floor of the home% ,Do not allow any flies in the house% ,4he most ad)anced 'eo'le are the cleanest%1 &ometimes the ?nglish lessons continued on the Bob% 2ne week, after a lecture by the foreman on increasing 'roducti)ity, *efty s'eeded u' his work, grinding a bearing e)ery twel)e seconds instead of fourteen% 0eturning from the la)atory later, he found the word ,0"41 written on the side of his lathe% 4he belt was cut% =y the time he found a new belt in the e@ui'ment bin, a horn sounded% 4he *ine had sto''ed% ,Ahat the hell+s the matter with youD1 the foreman shouted at him% ,?)ery time we shut down the line, we lose money% If it ha''ens again, you+re out% ;nderstandD1 ,Jes, sir%1 ,2kay> *et her go>1 "nd the *ine started u' again% "fter the foreman had gone, 2+!alley looked both ways and leaned o)er to whis'er, ,Don+t try to be a s'eed king% Jou understandD Ae all ha)e to work faster that way%1 Desdemona stayed home and cooked% Aithout silkworms to tend or mulberry

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trees to 'ick, without neighbors to gossi' with or goats to milk, my grandmother filled her time with food% Ahile *efty ground bearings nonsto', Desdemona built 'astitsio, moussaka and galactoboureko% &he coated the kitchen table with flour and, using a bleached broomstick, rolled out 'a'er/thin sheets of dough% 4he sheets came off her assembly line, one after another% 4hey filled the kitchen% 4hey co)ered the li)ing room, where she+d laid bedsheets o)er the furniture% Desdemona went u' and down the line, adding walnuts, butter, honey, s'inach, cheese, adding more layers of dough, then more butter, before forging the assembled concoctions in the o)en% "t the 0ouge, workers colla'sed from heat and fatigue, while on 7urlbut my grandmother did a double shift% &he got u' in the morning to fi3 breakfast and 'ack a lunch for her husband, then marinated a leg of lamb with wine and garlic% In the afternoon she made her own sausages, s'iced with fennel, and hung them o)er the heating 'i'es in the basement% "t three o+clock she started dinner, and only when it was cooking did she take a break, sitting at the kitchen table to consult her dream book on the meaning of her 're)ious night+s dreams% Ho fewer than three 'ots simmered on the sto)e at all times% 2ccasionally, Jimmy Gi(mo brought home a few of his business associates, hulking men with thick, ham/like heads stuffed into their fedoras% Desdemona ser)ed them meals at all hours of the day% 4hen they were off again, into the city% Desdemona cleaned u'% 4he only thing she refused to do was the sho''ing% "merican stores confused her% &he found the 'roduce de'ressing% ?)en many years later, seeing a Qroger+s !cIntosh in our suburban kitchen, she would hold it u' to ridicule, saying, ,4his is nothing% 4his we fed to goats%1 4o ste' into a local market was to miss the sa)or of the 'eaches, figs, and winter chestnuts of =ursa% "lready, in her first months in "merica, Desdemona was suffering ,the homesickness that has no cure%1 &o, after working at the 'lant and attending ?nglish class, *efty was the one to 'ick u' the lamb and )egetables, the s'ices and honey% "nd so they li)ed K one month K three K fi)e% 4hey suffered through their first !ichigan winter% " January night, Bust 'ast 1"%!% Desdemona &te'hanides aslee', wearing her hated J!6" hat against the wind blowing through the thin walls% " radiator sighing, clanking% =y candlelight, *efty finishes his homework, notebook 'ro''ed on knees, 'encil in hand% "nd from the wall: rustling% 7e looks u' to see a 'air of red eyes shining out from a hole in the baseboard% 7e writes 0/"/4 before throwing his 'encil at the )ermin% Desdemona slee's on% 7e brushes her hair% 7e says, in ?nglish, ,7ello, sweetheart%1 4he new country and its language ha)e hel'ed to 'ush the 'ast a little further behind% 4he slee'ing form ne3t to him is less and less his sister e)ery night and more and more his wife% 4he statute of limitations ticks itself out, day by day, all memory of the crime being washed away% 8=ut what humans forget, cells remember% 4he body, that ele'hant K: &'ring arri)ed, 19CE% !y grandfather, accustomed to the multifarious conBugations of ancient -reek )erbs, had found ?nglish, for all its incoherence, a relati)ely sim'le tongue to master% 2nce he had swallowed a good 'ortion of the ?nglish )ocabulary, he began to taste the familiar ingredients, the -reek seasoning in the roots, 'refi3es, and suffi3es% " 'ageant was 'lanned to celebrate the 9ord ?nglish &chool graduation% "s a to' student, *efty was asked to take 'art% ,Ahat kind of 'ageantD1 Desdemona asked% ,I can+t tell you% It+s a sur'rise% =ut you ha)e to sew me some clothes%1 ,Ahat kindD1

61

,*ike from the patridha %1 It was a Aednesday e)ening% *efty and Gi(mo were in the sala when suddenly *ina came in to listen to ,4he 0onnie 0onnette 7our%1 Gi(mo ga)e her a disa''ro)ing look, but she esca'ed behind her head'hones% ,&he thinks she+s one of these #merikanidhes ,1 Gi(mo said to *efty% ,*ook% &eeD &he e)en crosses her legs%1 ,4his is "merica,1 *efty said% ,Ae+re all #merikanidhes now%1 ,4his is not "merica,1 Gi(mo countered% ,4his is my house% Ae don+t li)e like the #merikanidhes in here% Jour wife understands% Do you see her in the sala showing her legs and listening to the radioD1 &omeone knocked at the door% Gi(mo, who had an ine3'licable a)ersion to unannounced guests, Bum'ed u' and reached under his coat% 7e motioned for *efty not to mo)e% *ina, noticing something, took off her ear'hones% 4he knock came again% , &yrie ,1 *ina said, ,if they were going to kill you, would they knockD1 ,Aho+s going to kill>1 Desdemona said, rushing in from the kitchen% ,Just a way of s'eaking,1 said *ina, who knew more about her husband+s im'orting concern that she+d been letting on% &he glided to the door and o'ened it% 4wo men stood on the welcome mat% 4hey wore gray suits, stri'ed ties, black brogues% 4hey had short sideburns% 4hey carried matching briefcases% Ahen they remo)ed their hats, they re)ealed identical chestnut hair, neatly 'arted in the center% Gi(mo took his hand out of his coat% ,Ae+re from the 9ord &ociological De'artment,1 the tall one said% ,Is !r% &te'hanides at homeD1 ,JesD1 *efty said% ,!r% &te'hanides, let me tell you why we+re here%1 ,!anagement has foreseen,1 the short one seamlessly continued, ,that fi)e dollars a day in the hands of some men might work a tremendous handica' along the 'aths of rectitude and right li)ing and might make of them a menace to society in general%1 ,&o it was established by !r% 9ord1<the taller one again took o)er<,that no man is to recei)e the money who cannot use it ad)isedly and conser)ati)ely%1 ,"lso1<the short one again<,that where a man seems to @ualify under the 'lan and later de)elo's weaknesses, that it is within the 'ro)ince of the com'any to take away his share of the 'rofits until such time as he can rehabilitate himself% !ay we come inD1 2nce across the threshold, they se'arated% 4he tall one took a 'ad from his briefcase% ,I+m going to ask you a few @uestions, if you don+t mind% Do you drink, !r% &te'hanidesD1 ,Ho, he doesn+t,1 Gi(mo answered for him% ,"nd who are you, may I askD1 ,!y name is Gi(mo%1 ,"re you a boarder hereD1 ,4his is my house%1 ,&o !r% and !rs% &te'hanides are the boardersD1 ,4hat+s right%1 ,Aon+t do% Aon+t do,1 said the tall one% ,Ae encourage our em'loyees to obtain mortgages%1 ,7e+s working on it,1 Gi(mo said%

6C

!eanwhile, the short one had entered the kitchen% 7e was lifting lids off 'ots, o'ening the o)en door, 'eering into the garbage can% Desdemona started to obBect, but *ina checked her with a glance% 8"nd notice how Desdemona+s nose has begun to twitch% 9or two days now, her sense of smell has been incredibly acute% 9oods are beginning to smell funny to her, feta cheese like dirty socks, oli)es like goat dro''ings%: ,7ow often do you bathe, !r% &te'hanidesD1 the tall one asked% ,?)ery day, sir%1 ,7ow often do you brush your teethD1 ,?)ery day, sir%1 ,Ahat do you useD1 ,=aking soda%1 How the short one was climbing the stairs% 7e in)aded my grand'arents+ bedroom and ins'ected the linens% 7e ste''ed into the bathroom and e3amined the toilet seat% ,9rom now on, use this,1 the tall one said% ,It+s a dentifrice% 7ere+s a new toothbrush%1 Disconcerted, my grandfather took the items% ,Ae come from =ursa,1 he e3'lained% ,It+s a big city%1 ,=rush along the gum lines% ;' on the bottoms and down on the to's% 4wo minutes morning and night% *et+s see% -i)e it a try%1 ,Ae are ci)ili(ed 'eo'le%1 ,Do I understand you to be refusing hygiene instructionD1 ,*isten to me,1 Gi(mo said% ,4he -reeks built the arthenon and the ?gy'tians built the 'yramids back when the "nglo/&a3ons were still dressing in animal skins%1 4he tall one took a long look at Gi(mo and made a note on his 'ad% ,*ike thisD1 my grandfather said% -rinning hideously, he mo)ed the toothbrush u' and down in his dry mouth% ,4hat+s right% 9ine%1 4he short one now rea''eared from u'stairs% 7e fli''ed o'en his 'ad and began: ,Item one% -arbage can in kitchen has no lid% Item two% 7ousefly on kitchen table% Item three% 4oo much garlic in food% 6auses indigestion%1 8"nd now Desdemona locates the cul'rit: the short man+s hair% 4he smell of brilliantine on it makes her nauseous%: ,Oery considerate of you to come here and take an interest in your em'loyee+s health,1 Gi(mo said% ,Ae wouldn+t want anybody to get sick, now, would weD !ight slow down 'roduction%1 ,I+m going to 'retend I didn+t hear that,1 said the tall one% ,&eeing as you are not an official em'loyee of the 9ord !otor 6om'any% 7owe)er1<turning back to my grandfather<,I should ad)ise you, !r% &te'hanides, that in my re'ort I am going to make a note of your social relations% I+m going to recommend that you and !rs% &te'hanides mo)e into your own home as soon as it is financially feasible%1 ,"nd may I ask what your occu'ation is, sirD1 the short one wanted to know% ,I+m in shi''ing,1 Gi(mo said% ,Hice of you gentlemen to sto' by,1 *ina mo)ed in% ,=ut if you+ll e3cuse us, we+re Bust about to ha)e dinner% Ae ha)e to go to church tonight% "nd, of course, *efty has to be in bed by nine to get rest% 7e likes to be fresh in the morning%1 ,4hat+s fine% 9ine%1

6E

4ogether, they 'ut on their hats and left% "nd so we come to the weeks leading u' to the graduation 'ageant% 4o Desdemona sewing a palikari )est, embroidering it with red, white, and blue thread% 4o *efty getting off work one 9riday e)ening and crossing o)er !iller 0oad to be 'aid from the armored truck% 4o *efty again, the night of the 'ageant, taking the streetcar to 6adillac &@uare and walking into -old+s 6lothes% Jimmy Gi(mo meets him there to hel' him 'ick out a suit% ,It+s almost summer% 7ow about something cream/coloredD Aith a yellow silk necktieD1 ,Ho% 4he ?nglish teacher told us% =lue or gray only%1 ,4hey want to turn you into a rotestant% 0esist>1 ,I+ll take the blue suit, 'lease, thank you,1 *efty says in his best ?nglish% 8"nd here, too, the sho' owner seems to owe Gi(mo a fa)or% 7e gi)es them a C0 'ercent discount%: !eanwhile, on 7urlbut, 9ather &tyliano'oulos, head 'riest of "ssum'tion -reek 2rthodo3 6hurch, has finally come o)er to bless the house% Desdemona watches the 'riest ner)ously as he drinks the glass of !eta3a she has offered him% Ahen she and *efty became members of his congregation, the old 'riest had asked, as a formality, if they had recei)ed an 2rthodo3 wedding% Desdemona had re'lied in the affirmati)e% &he had grown u' belie)ing that 'riests could tell whether someone was telling the truth or not, but 9ather &tyliano'oulos had only nodded and written their names into the church register% How he sets down his glass% 7e stands and recites the blessing, shaking holy water on the threshold% =efore he+s finished, howe)er, Desdemona+s nose begins acting u' again% &he can smell what the 'riest had for lunch% &he can detect the aroma under his arms as he makes the sign of the cross% "t the door, letting him out, she holds her breath% ,4hank you, 9ather% 4hank you%1 &tyliano'oulos goes on his way% =ut it+s no use% "s soon as she inhales again, she can smell the fertili(ed flower beds and !rs% 6(eslawski boiling cabbage ne3t door and what she swears must be an o'en Bar of mustard somewhere, all these scents gone wayward on her, as she 'uts a hand to her stomach% 0ight then the bedroom door swings o'en% &ourmelina ste's out% owder and rouge co)er one side of her face; the other side, bare, looks green% ,Do you smell somethingD1 she asks% ,Jes% I smell e)erything%1 ,2h my -od%1 ,Ahat is itD1 ,I didn+t think this would ha''en to me% 4o you maybe% =ut not to me%1 "nd now we are in the Detroit *ight -uard "rmory, later that night, #:00 %!% "n assembled audience of two thousand settles down as the house lights dim% rominent business leaders greet each other with handshakes% Jimmy Gi(mo, in a new cream/colored suit with yellow necktie, crosses his legs, Biggling one saddle shoe% *ina and Desdemona hold hands, Boined in a mysterious union% 4he curtain 'arts to gas's and scattered a''lause% " 'ainted flat shows a steamshi', two huge smokestacks, and a swath of deck and railing% " gangway e3tends into the stage+s other focal 'oint: a giant gray cauldron embla(oned with the words ford english school melting 'ot% " ?uro'ean folk melody begins to 'lay% &uddenly a lone figure a''ears on the gangway% Dressed in a =alkan costume of )est, ballooning trousers, and high leather boots, the immigrant carries his 'ossessions bundled on a

6$

stick% 7e looks around with a''rehension and then descends into the melting 'ot% ,Ahat 'ro'aganda,1 Gi(mo murmurs in his seat% *ina shushes him% How Syria descends into the 'ot% 4hen !taly % "oland % %or(ay % "alestine % "nd finally: 4reece % ,*ook, it+s *efty>1 Aearing embroidered palikari )est, 'uffy/slee)ed poukamiso , and 'leated foustanella skirt, my grandfather bestrides the gangway% 7e 'auses a moment to look out at the audience, but the bright lights blind him% 7e can+t see my grandmother looking back, bursting with her secret% 4ermany ta's him on the back% , Macht schnell. ?3cuse me% -o fastly%1 In the front row, 7enry 9ord nods with a''ro)al, enBoying the show% !rs% 9ord tries to whis'er in his ear, but he wa)es her off% 7is blue seagull+s eyes dart from face to face as the ?nglish instructors a''ear onstage ne3t% 4hey carry long s'oons, which they insert into the 'ot% 4he lights turn red and flicker as the instructors stir% &team rises o)er the stage% Inside the cauldron, men are 'acked together, throwing off immigrant costumes, 'utting on suits% *imbs are tangling u', feet ste''ing on feet% *efty says, , ardon me, e3cuse me,1 feeling thoroughly "merican as he 'ulls on his blue wool trousers and Backet% In his mouth: thirty/two teeth brushed in the "merican manner% 7is underarms: liberally s'rinkled with "merican deodorant% "nd now s'oons are descending from abo)e, men are churning around and aroundK Kas two men, short and tall, stand in the wings, holding a 'iece of 'a'erK Kand out in the audience my grandmother has a stunned look on her faceK Kand the melting 'ot boils o)er% 0ed lights brighten% 4he orchestra launches into ,Jankee Doodle%1 2ne by one, the 9ord ?nglish &chool graduates rise from the cauldron% Dressed in blue and gray suits, they climb out, wa)ing "merican flags, to thunderous a''lause% 4he curtain had barely come down before the men from the &ociological De'artment a''roached% ,I 'ass the final e3am,1 my grandfather told them% ,Hinety/three 'ercent> "nd today I o'en sa)ings account%1 ,4hat sounds fine,1 the tall one said% ,=ut unfortunately, it+s too late,1 said the short one% 7e took a sli' from his 'ocket, a color well known in Detroit: 'ink% ,Ae did some checking on your landlord% 4his so/called Jimmy Gi(mo% 7e+s got a 'olice record%1 ,I don+t know anything,1 my grandfather said% ,I+m sure is a mistake% 7e is a nice man% Aorks hard%1 ,I+m sorry, !r% &te'hanides% =ut you can understand that !r% 9ord can+t ha)e workers maintaining such associations% Jou don+t need to come down to the 'lant on !onday%1 "s my grandfather struggled to absorb this news, the short one leaned in% ,I ho'e you learn a lesson from this% !i3ing with the wrong crowd can sink you% Jou seem like a nice guy, !r% &te'hanides% Jou really do% Ae wish you the best of luck in the future%1 " few minutes later, *efty came out to meet his wife% 7e was sur'rised when, in front of e)eryone, she hugged him, refusing to let go% ,Jou liked the 'ageantD1

6.

,It+s not that%1 ,Ahat is itD1 Desdemona looked into her husband+s eyes% =ut it was &ourmelina who e3'lained it all% ,Jour wife and ID1 she said in 'lain ?nglish% ,Ae+re both knocked u'%1

Minotaurs
Ahich is something I+ll ne)er ha)e much to do with% *ike most herma'hrodites but by no means all, I can+t ha)e children% 4hat+s one of the reasons why I+)e ne)er married% It+s one of the reasons, aside from shame, why I decided to Boin the 9oreign &er)ice% I+)e ne)er wanted to stay in one 'lace% "fter I started li)ing as a male, my mother and I mo)ed away from !ichigan and I+)e been mo)ing e)er since% In another year or two I+ll lea)e =erlin, to be 'osted somewhere else% I+ll be sad to go% 4his once/di)ided city reminds me of myself% !y struggle for unification, for Einheit % 6oming from a city still cut in half by racial hatred, I feel ho'eful here in =erlin% " word on my shame% I don+t condone it% I+m trying my best to get o)er it% 4he interse3 mo)ement aims to 'ut an end to infant genital reconfiguration surgery% 4he first ste' in that struggle is to con)ince the world<and 'ediatric endocrinologists in 'articular<that herma'hroditic genitals are not diseased% 2ne out of e)ery two thousand babies is born with ambiguous genitalia% In the ;nited &tates, with a 'o'ulation of two hundred and se)enty/fi)e million, that comes to one hundred and thirty/se)en thousand interse3uals ali)e today% =ut we herma'hrodites are 'eo'le like e)erybody else% "nd I ha''en not to be a 'olitical 'erson% I don+t like grou's% 4hough I+m a member of the Interse3 &ociety of Horth "merica, I ha)e ne)er taken 'art in its demonstrations% I li)e my own life and nurse my own wounds% It+s not the best way to li)e% =ut it+s the way I am% 4he most famous herma'hrodite in historyD !eD It felt good to write that, but I+)e got a long way to go% I+m closeted at work, re)ealing myself only to a few friends% "t cocktail rece'tions, when I find myself standing ne3t to the former ambassador 8also a nati)e of Detroit:, we talk about the 4igers% 2nly a few 'eo'le here in =erlin know my secret% I tell more 'eo'le than I used to, but I+m not at all consistent% &ome nights I tell 'eo'le I+)e Bust met% In other cases I kee' silent fore)er% 4hat goes es'ecially for women I+m attracted to% Ahen I meet someone I like and who seems to like me, I retreat% 4here are lots of nights out in =erlin when, emboldened by a good/)alue 0ioBa, I forget my 'hysical 'redicament and allow myself to ho'e% 4he tailored suit comes off% 4he 4homas ink shirt, too% !y dates can+t fail to be im'ressed by my 'hysical condition% 8;nder the armor of my double/breasted suits is another of gym/built muscle%: =ut the final 'rotection, my roomy, my discreet bo3er shorts, these I do not remo)e% ?)er% Instead I lea)e, making e3cuses% I lea)e and ne)er call them again% Just like a guy% "nd soon enough I am at it again% I am trying once more, toeing the line% I saw my bicyclist again this morning% 4his time I found out her name: Julie% Julie Qikuchi% 0aised in northern 6alifornia, graduate of the 0hode Island &chool of Design, and currently in =erlin on a grant from the QMnstlerhaus =ethanien% =ut more im'ortant, right now: my date for 9riday night% It+s Bust a first date% It won+t come to anything% Ho reason to mention my 'eculiarities, my wandering in the ma(e these many years, shut away from sight% "nd

66

from lo)e, too%

***
4he &imultaneous 9ertili(ation had occurred in the early morning hours of !arch C$, 19CE, in se'arate, )ertical bedrooms, after a night out at the theater% !y grandfather, not knowing he was soon to be fired, had s'lurged on four tickets to !he Minotaur , 'laying at the 9amily% "t first Desdemona had refused to go% &he disa''ro)ed of theater in general, es'ecially )aude)ille, but in the end, unable to resist the 7ellenic theme, she had 'ut on a new 'air of stockings, and a black dress and o)ercoat, and made her way with the others down the sidewalk and into the terrifying ackard% Ahen the curtain rose at the 9amily 4heater, my relati)es e3'ected to get the whole story% 7ow !inos, Qing of 6rete, failed to sacrifice a white bull to oseidon% 7ow oseidon, enraged, caused !inos+s wife asi'haF to be smitten with lo)e for a bull% 7ow the child of that union, "sterius, came out with a bull+s head attached to a human body% "nd then Daedalus, the ma(e, etc% "s soon as the footlights came on, howe)er, the 'roduction+s nontraditional em'hasis became clear% =ecause now they 'ranced onstage: the chorus girls% Dressed in sil)er halters, robed in see/through shifts, they danced, reciting stro'hes that didn+t scan to the eerie 'i'ing of flutes% 4he !inotaur a''eared, an actor wearing a 'a'ier/mYchI bull+s head% *acking any sense of classical 'sychology, the actor 'layed his half/human character as 'ure mo)ie monster% 7e growled; drums 'ounded; chorus girls screamed and fled% 4he !inotaur 'ursued, and of course he caught them, each one, and de)oured her bloodily, and dragged her 'ale, defenseless body dee'er into the ma(e% "nd the curtain came down% In the eighteenth row my grandmother ga)e her critical o'inion% ,It+s like the 'aintings in the museum,1 she said% ,Just an e3cuse to show 'eo'le with no clothes%1 &he insisted on lea)ing before "ct II% "t home, getting ready for bed, the four theatergoers went about their nightly routines% Desdemona washed out her stockings, lit the )igil lam' in the hallway% Gi(mo drank a glass of the 'a'aya Buice he touted as beneficial for the digestion% *efty neatly hung u' his suit, 'inching each trouser crease, while &ourmelina remo)ed her makeu' with cold cream and went to bed% 4he four of them, mo)ing in their indi)idual orbits, 'retended that the 'lay had had no effect on them% =ut now Jimmy Gi(mo was turning off his bedroom light% How he was climbing into his single bed<to find it occu'ied> &ourmelina, dreaming of chorus girls, had slee'walked across the throw rug% !urmuring stro'hes, she climbed on to' of her stand/in husband% 8,Jou seeD1 Gi(mo said in the dark% ,Ho more bile% It+s the castor oil%1: ;'stairs, Desdemona might ha)e heard something through the floor if she hadn+t been 'retending to be aslee'% "gainst her will, the 'lay had aroused her, too% 4he !inotaur+s sa)age, muscular thighs% 4he suggesti)e s'rawl of his )ictims% "shamed of her e3citement, she ga)e no outward sign% &he switched off the lam'% &he told her husband good night% &he yawned 8also theatrical: and turned her back% Ahile *efty stole u' from behind% 9ree(e the action% " momentous night, this, for all in)ol)ed 8including me:% I want to record the 'ositions 8*efty dorsal, *ina couchant: and the circumstances

6#

8night+s amnesty: and the direct cause 8a 'lay about a hybrid monster:% arents are su''osed to 'ass down 'hysical traits to their children, but it+s my belief that all sorts of other things get 'assed down, too: motifs, scenarios, e)en fates% Aouldn+t I also sneak u' on a girl 'retending to be aslee'D "nd wouldn+t there also be a 'lay in)ol)ed, and somebody dying onstageD *ea)ing these genealogical @uestions aside, I return to the biological facts% *ike college girls sharing a dorm room, Desdemona and *ina were both synchroni(ed in their menstrual cycles% 4hat night was day fourteen% Ho thermometer )erified this, but a few weeks later the sym'toms of nausea and hy'ersensiti)e noses did% ,Ahoe)er named it morning sickness was a man,1 *ina declared% ,7e was Bust home in the morning to notice%1 4he nausea ke't no schedule; it owned no watch% 4hey were sick in the afternoon, in the middle of the night% regnancy was a boat in a storm and they couldn+t get off% "nd so they lashed themsel)es to the masts of their beds and rode out the s@uall% ?)erything they came in contact with, the bedsheets, the 'illows, the air itself, began to turn on them% 4heir husbands+ breath became intolerable, and when they weren+t too sick to mo)e, they were wa)ing their arms, gesturing to the men to kee' away% regnancy humbled the husbands% "fter an initial rush of male 'ride, they @uickly recogni(ed the minor role that nature had assigned them in the drama of re'roduction, and @uietly withdrew into a baffled reser)e, catalysts to an e3'losion they couldn+t e3'lain% Ahile their wi)es grandly suffered in the bedrooms, Gi(mo and *efty retreated to the sala to listen to music, or dro)e to a coffee house in -reektown where no one would be offended by their smell% 4hey 'layed backgammon and talked 'olitics, and no one s'oke about women because in the coffee house e)eryone was a bachelor, no matter how old he was or how many children he+d gi)en a wife who 'referred their com'any to his% 4he talk was always the same, of the 4urks and their brutality, of Oeni(elos and his mistakes, of Qing 6onstantine and his return, and of the una)enged crime of &myrna burned% ,"nd does anybody careD Ho>1 ,It+s like what =Irenger said to 6lemenceau: L7e who owns the oil owns the world%+ 1 ,4hose damn 4urks> !urderers and ra'ists>1 ,4hey desecrated the 7agia &o'hia and now they destroyed &myrna>1 =ut here Gi(mo s'oke u': ,&to' bellyaching% 4he war was the -reeks+ fault%1 ,Ahat>1 ,Aho in)aded whoD1 asked Gi(mo% ,4he 4urks in)aded% In 1$.E%1 ,4he -reeks can+t e)en run their own country% Ahy do they need anotherD1 "t this 'oint, men stood u', chairs were knocked o)er% ,Aho the hell are you, Gi(moD -oddamned ontian> 4urk/sym'athi(er>1 ,I sym'athi(e with the truth,1 shouted Gi(mo% ,4here+s no e)idence the 4urks started that fire% 4he -reeks did it to blame it on the 4urks%1 *efty ste''ed between the men, 're)enting a fight% "fter that, Gi(mo ke't his 'olitical o'inions to himself% 7e sat morosely drinking coffee, reading an odd assortment of maga(ines or 'am'hlets s'eculating on s'ace tra)el and ancient ci)ili(ations% 7e chewed his lemon 'eels and told *efty to do so, too% 4ogether, they settled into the random camaraderie of men on the outskirts of a birth% *ike all e3'ectant fathers, their thoughts turned to money%

65

!y grandfather had ne)er told Jimmy the reason for his dismissal from 9ord, but Gi(mo had a good idea why it might ha)e ha''ened% "nd so, a few weeks later, he made what restitution he could% ,Just act like we+re going for a dri)e%1 ,2kay%1 ,If we get sto''ed, don+t say anything%1 ,2kay%1 ,4his is a better Bob than the 0ouge% =elie)e me% 9i)e dollars a day is nothing% "nd here you can eat all the garlic you want%1 4hey are in the ackard, 'assing the amusement grounds of ?lectric ark% It+s foggy out, and late<Bust 'ast E"%!% 4o be honest, the amusement grounds should be closed at this hour, but, for my own 'ur'oses, tonight ?lectric ark is o'en all night, and the fog suddenly lifts, all so that my grandfather can look out the window and see a roller coaster streaking down the track% " moment of chea' symbolism only, and then I ha)e to bow to the strict rules of realism, which is to say: they can+t see a thing% &'ring fog foams o)er the ram'arts of the newly o'ened =elle Isle =ridge% 4he yellow globes of streetlam's glow, aureoled in the mist% ,*ot of traffic for this late,1 *efty mar)els% ,Jes,1 says Gi(mo% ,It+s )ery 'o'ular at night%1 4he bridge lifts them gently abo)e the ri)er and sets them back down on the other side% =elle Isle, a 'aramecium/sha'ed island in the Detroit 0i)er, lies less than half a mile from the 6anadian shore% =y day, the 'ark is full of 'icnickers and strollers% 9isherman line its muddy banks% 6hurch grou's hold tent meetings% 6ome dark, howe)er, the island takes on an offshore atmos'here of rela3ed morals% *o)ers 'ark in secluded lookouts% 6ars roll o)er the bridge on shadowy missions% Gi(mo dri)es through the gloom, 'ast the octagonal ga(ebos and the monument of the 6i)il Aar 7ero, and into the woods where the 2ttawa once held their summer cam'% 9og wi'es the windshield% =irch trees shed 'archment beneath an ink/black sky% !issing from most cars in the 19C0s: rear)iew mirrors% ,&teer,1 Gi(mo kee's saying, and turns around to see if they+re being followed% In this fashion, trading the wheel, they wea)e along 6entral ")enue and 4he &trand, circling the island three times, until Gi(mo is satisfied% "t the northeastern end, he 'ulls the car o)er, facing 6anada% ,Ahy are we sto''ingD1 ,Aait and see%1 Gi(mo turns the headlights on and off three times% 7e gets out of the car% &o does *efty% 4hey stand in the darkness amid ri)er sounds, wa)es la''ing, freighters blowing foghorns% 4hen there+s another sound: a distant hum% ,Jou ha)e an officeD1 my grandfather asks% ," warehouseD1 ,4his is my office%1 Gi(mo wa)es his hands through the air% 7e 'oints to the ackard% ,"nd that+s my warehouse%1 4he hum is getting louder now; *efty s@uints through the fog% ,I used to work for the railroad%1 Gi(mo takes a dried a'ricot out of his 'ocket and eats it% ,2ut Aest in ;tah% =roke my back% 4hen I got smart%1 =ut the hum has almost reached them; Gi(mo is o'ening the trunk% "nd now, in the fog, an outboard a''ears, a sleek craft with two men aboard% 4hey cut the engine as the boat glides into the reeds% Gi(mo hands an en)elo'e to one man% 4he other whisks the tar' off the boat+s stern% In moonlight, neatly stacked, twel)e wooden crates gleam% ,How I run a railroad of my own,1 says Gi(mo% ,&tart unloading%1

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4he 'recise nature of Jimmy Gi(mo+s im'orting business was thus re)ealed% 7e didn+t deal in dried a'ricots from &yria, hal)ah from 4urkey, and honey from *ebanon% 7e im'orted 7iram Aalker+s whiskey from 2ntario, beer from Puebec, and rum from =arbados by way of the &t% *awrence 0i)er% " teetotaler himself, he made his li)ing buying and selling li@uor% ,If these #merikani are all drunks, what can I doD1 he Bustified, dri)ing away minutes later% ,Jou should ha)e told me>1 *efty shouted, enraged% ,If we get caught, I won+t get my citi(enshi'% 4hey+ll send me back to -reece%1 ,Ahat choice do you ha)eD Jou ha)e a better BobD "nd don+t forget% Jou and I, we ha)e babies on the way%1 &o began my grandfather+s life of crime% 9or the ne3t eight months he worked in Gi(mo+s rum/running o'eration, obser)ing its odd hours, getting u' in the middle of the night and ha)ing dinner at dawn% 7e ado'ted the slang of the illegal trade, increasing his ?nglish )ocabulary fourfold% 7e learned to call li@uor ,hooch,1 ,bingo,1 ,s@uirrel dew,1 and ,monkey swill%1 7e referred to drinking establishments as ,boo(eries,1 ,doggeries,1 ,rumholes,1 and ,schooners%1 7e learned the locations of blind 'igs all o)er the city, the funeral 'arlors that filled bodies not with embalming fluid but with gin, the churches that offered something more than sacramental wine, and the barbersho's whose =arbicide Bars contained ,blue ruin%1 *efty grew familiar with the shoreline of the Detroit 0i)er, its screened inlets and secret landings% 7e could identify 'olice outboards at a distance of a @uarter mile% 0um/running was a tricky business% 4he maBor bootlegging was controlled by the ur'le -ang and the !afia% In their beneficence they allowed a certain amount of amateur smuggling to go on<the day tri's to 6anada, the fishing boats out for a midnight cruise% Aomen took the ferry to Aindsor with gallon flasks under their dresses% "s long as such smuggling didn+t cut into the main business, the gangs allowed it% =ut Gi(mo was far e3ceeding the limit% 4hey went out fi)e to si3 times a week% 4he ackard+s trunk could fit four cases of li@uor, its commodious, curtained backseat eight more% Gi(mo res'ected neither rules nor territories% ,"s soon as they )oted in rohibition, I went to the library and looked at a ma',1 he said, e3'laining how he+d gotten into the business% ,4here they were, 6anada and !ichigan, almost kissing% &o I bought a ticket to Detroit% Ahen I got here, I was broke% I went to see a marriage broker in -reektown% 4he reason I let *ina dri)e this carD &he 'aid for it%1 7e smiled with satisfaction, but then followed his thoughts a little further and his face darkened% ,I don+t a''ro)e of women dri)ing, mind you% "nd now they get to )ote>1 7e grumbled to himself% ,0emember that 'lay we sawD "ll women are like that% -i)en the chance, they+d all fornicate with a bull%1 ,4hose are Bust stories, Jimmy,1 said *efty% ,Jou can+t take them literally%1 ,Ahy notD1 Gi(mo continued% ,Aomen aren+t like us% 4hey ha)e carnal natures% 4he best thing to do with them is to shut them u' in a ma(e%1 ,Ahat are you talking aboutD1 Gi(mo smiled% , regnancy%1 It was like a ma(e% Desdemona ke't turning this way and that, left side, right side, trying to find a comfortable 'osition% Aithout lea)ing her bed, she wandered the dark corridors of 'regnancy, stumbling o)er the bones of women who had 'assed this way before her% 9or starters, her mother, ?u'hrosyne 8whom she was suddenly beginning to resemble:, her grandmothers, her great/aunts, and all the women before them stretching back into 'rehistory right back to ?)e, on whose womb the curse had been laid% Desdemona came into a 'hysical knowledge of these women, shared their 'ains and

#0

sighs, their fear and 'rotecti)eness, their outrage, their e3'ectation% *ike them she 'ut a hand to her belly, su''orting the world; she felt omni'otent and 'roud; and then a muscle in her back s'asmed% I gi)e you now the entire 'regnancy in time la'se% Desdemona, at eight weeks, lies on her back, bedco)ers drawn u' to her arm'its% 4he light at the window flickers with the change of day and night% 7er body Berks; she+s on her side, her belly; the co)ers change sha'e% " wool blanket a''ears and disa''ears% 9ood trays fly to the bedside table, then Bum' away before returning% =ut throughout the mad dance of inanimate obBects the continuity of Desdemona+s shifting body remains at center% 7er breasts inflate% 7er ni''les darken% "t fourteen weeks her face begins to grow 'lum', so that for the first time I can recogni(e the yia yia of my childhood% "t twenty weeks a mysterious line starts drawing itself down from her na)el% 7er belly rises like Jiffy o'% "t thirty weeks her skin thins, and her hair gets thicker% 7er com'le3ion, 'ale with nausea at first, grows less so until there it is: a glow% 4he bigger she gets, the more stationary% &he sto's lying on her stomach% !otionless, she swells toward the camera% 4he window+s strobe effect continues% "t thirty/si3 weeks she cocoons herself in bedsheets% 4he sheets go u' and down, re)ealing her face, e3hausted, eu'horic, resigned, im'atient% 7er eyes o'en% &he cries out% *ina wra''ed her legs in 'utties to 're)ent )aricose )eins% Aorried that her breath was bad, she ke't a tin of mints beside her bed% &he weighed herself each morning, biting her lower li'% &he enBoyed her new bu3om figure but fretted about the conse@uences% ,!y breasts will ne)er be the same% I know it% "fter this, Bust fla's% *ike in the 8ational Geographic. 1 regnancy made her feel too much like an animal% It was embarrassing to be so 'ublicly coloni(ed% 7er face felt on fire during hormone surges% &he 'ers'ired; her makeu' ran% 4he entire 'rocess was a holdo)er from more 'rimiti)e stages of de)elo'ment% It linked her with the lower forms of life% &he thought of @ueen bees s'ewing eggs% &he thought of the collie ne3t door, digging its hole in the backyard last s'ring% 4he only esca'e was radio% &he wore her ear'hones in bed, on the couch, in the bathtub% During the summer she carried her "eriola Jr% outside and sat under the cherry tree% 9illing her head with music, she esca'ed her body% 2n a third/trimester 2ctober morning, a cab 'ulled u' outside E$6# 7urlbut &treet and a tall, slender figure climbed out% 7e checked the address against a 'iece of 'a'er, collected his things<umbrella and suitcase<and 'aid the dri)er% 7e took off his hat and stared into it as though reading instructions along the lining% 4hen he 'ut the hat back on and walked u' onto the 'orch% Desdemona and *ina both heard the knocking% 4hey met at the front door% Ahen they o'ened it, the man looked from belly to belly% ,I+m Bust in time,1 he said% It was Dr% hilobosian% 6lear/eyed, clean/sha)en, reco)ered from his grief% ,I sa)ed your address%1 4hey in)ited him in and he told his story% 7e had indeed contracted the eye disease fa)us on the Giulia % =ut his medical license had sa)ed him from being sent back to -reece; "merica needed 'hysicians% Dr% hilobosian had stayed a month in the hos'ital at ?llis Island, after which, with s'onsorshi' from the "rmenian 0elief "gency, he had been admitted into the country% 9or the last ele)en months he+d been li)ing in Hew Jork, on the *ower ?ast &ide% ,-rinding lenses for an o'tometrist%1 0ecently he+d managed to retrie)e some assets from 4urkey and had come to the !idwest% ,I+m going to o'en a 'ractice here% Hew Jork has too many

#1

doctors already%1 7e stayed for dinner% 4he women+s delicate conditions didn+t e3cuse them from domestic duties% 2n swollen legs they carried out dishes of lamb and rice, okra in tomato sauce, -reek salad, rice 'udding% "fterward, Desdemona brewed -reek coffee, ser)ing it in demitasse cu's with the brown foam, the lakia , on to'% Dr% hilobosian remarked to the seated husbands, ,7undred/to/one odds% "re you sure it ha''ened on the same nightD1 ,Jes,1 &ourmelina re'lied, smoking at the table% ,4here must ha)e been a full moon%1 ,It usually takes a woman fi)e or si3 months to get 'regnant,1 the doctor went on% ,4o ha)e you two do it on the same night<a/hundred/to/one odds>1 ,7undred/to/oneD1 Gi(mo looked across the table at &ourmelina, who looked away% ,7undred/to/one at least,1 assured the doctor% ,It+s all the !inotaur+s fault,1 *efty Boked% ,Don+t talk about that 'lay,1 Desdemona scolded% ,Ahy are you looking at me like thatD1 asked *ina% ,I can+t look at youD1 asked her husband% &ourmelina let out an e3as'erated sigh and wi'ed her mouth with her na'kin% 4here was a strained silence% Dr% hilobosian, 'ouring himself another glass of wine, rushed in% ,=irth is a fascinating subBect% 4ake deformities, for instance% eo'le used to think they were caused by maternal imagination% During the conBugal act, whate)er the mother ha''ened to look at or think about would affect the child% 4here+s a story in Damascene about a woman who had a 'icture of John the =a'tist o)er her bed% Aearing the traditional hair shirt% In the throes of 'assion, the 'oor woman ha''ened to glance u' at this 'ortrait% Hine months later, her baby was born<furry as a bear>1 4he doctor laughed, enBoying himself, si''ing more wine% ,4hat can+t ha''en, can itD1 Desdemona, suddenly alarmed, wanted to know% =ut Dr% hilobosian was on a roll% ,4here+s another story about a woman who touched a toad while making lo)e% 7er baby came out with 'o' eyes and co)ered with warts%1 ,4his is in a book you readD1 Desdemona+s )oice was tight% , arI+s 3n Monsters and Mar,els has most of this% 4he 6hurch got into it, too% In his Em$ryological "acra, 6angiamilla recommended intrauterine ba'tisms% &u''ose you were worried that you might be carrying a monstrous baby% Aell, there was a cure for that% Jou sim'ly filled a syringe with holy water and ba'ti(ed the infant before it was born%1 ,Don+t worry, Desdemona,1 *efty said, seeing how an3ious she looked% ,Doctors don+t think that anymore%1 ,2f course not,1 said Dr% hilobosian% ,"ll this nonsense comes from the Dark "ges% Ae know now that most birth deformities result from the consanguinity of the 'arents%1 ,9rom the whatD1 asked Desdemona% ,9rom families intermarrying%1 Desdemona went white% ,6auses all kinds of 'roblems% Imbecility% 7emo'hilia% *ook at the 0omano)s% *ook at any royal family% !utants, all of them%1

#C

,I don+t remember what I was thinking that night,1 Desdemona said later while washing the dishes% ,I do,1 said *ina% ,4hird one from the right% Aith the red hair%1 ,I had my eyes closed%1 ,4hen don+t worry%1 Desdemona turned on the water to co)er their )oices% ,"nd what about the other thingD 4he con K the con K1 ,4he consanguinityD1 ,Jes% 7ow do you know if the baby has thatD1 ,Jou don+t know until it+s born%1 %Mana'( ,Ahy do you think the 6hurch doesn+t let brothers and sisters get marriedD ?)en first cousins ha)e to get 'ermission from a bisho'%1 ,I thought it was because K1 and she trailed off, ha)ing no answer% ,Don+t worry,1 *ina said% ,4hese doctors e3aggerate% If families marrying each other was so bad, we+d all ha)e si3 arms and no legs%1 =ut Desdemona did worry% &he thought back to =ithynios, trying to remember how many children had been born with something wrong with them% !elia &alakas had a daughter with a 'iece missing from the middle of her face% 7er brother, Jiorgos, had been eight years old his whole life% Aere there any babies with hair shirtsD "ny frog babiesD Desdemona recalled her mother telling stories about strange infants born in the )illage% 4hey came e)ery few generations, babies who were sick in some way, Desdemona couldn+t remember how e3actly<her mother had been )ague% ?)ery so often these babies a''eared, and they always met with tragic ends: they killed themsel)es, they ran off and became circus 'erformers, they were seen years later in =ursa, begging or 'rostituting themsel)es% *ying alone in bed at night, with *efty out working, Desdemona tried to recall the details of these stories, but it was too long ago and now ?u'hrosyne &te'hanides was dead and there was no one to ask% &he thought back to the night she+d gotten 'regnant and tried to reconstruct e)ents% &he turned on her side% &he made a 'illow stand in for *efty, 'ressing it against her back% &he looked around the room% 4here were no 'ictures on the walls% &he hadn+t been touching any toads% ,Ahat did I seeD1 she asked herself% ,2nly the wall%1 =ut she wasn+t the only one tormented by an3ieties% 0ecklessly now, and with an official disclaimer as to the )eracity of what I+m about to tell you<because, of all the actors in my midwestern ?'idaurus, the one wearing the biggest mask is Jimmy Gi(mo<I+ll try to gi)e you a glim'se into his emotions that last trimester% Aas he e3cited about becoming a fatherD Did he bring home nutriti)e roots and brew homeo'athic teasD Ho, he wasn+t, he didn+t% "fter Dr% hilobosian came to dinner that night, Jimmy Gi(mo began to change% !aybe it was what the doctor had said regarding the synchronous 'regnancies% "/hundred/to/one odds% !aybe it was this stray bit of information that was res'onsible for Gi(mo+s increasing moodiness, his sus'icious glances at his 'regnant wife% !aybe he was doubting the likelihood that a single act of intercourse in a fi)e/month dry s'ell would result in a successful 'regnancy% Aas Gi(mo e3amining his young wife and feeling oldD 4rickedD In the late autumn of 19CE, minotaurs haunted my family% 4o Desdemona they came in the form of children who couldn+t sto' bleeding, or who were co)ered with fur% Gi(mo+s monster was the well/known one with green eyes% It stared out of the ri)er+s darkness while he waited onshore for a shi'ment of li@uor% It lea't u' from the roadside

#E

to confront him through the ackard+s windshield% It rolled o)er in bed when he got home before sunrise: a green/eyed monster lying ne3t to his young, inscrutable wife, but then Gi(mo would blink and the monster would disa''ear% Ahen the women were eight months 'regnant, the first snow fell% *efty and Gi(mo wore glo)es and mufflers as they waited on the shore of =elle Isle% He)ertheless, des'ite his insulation, my grandfather was shi)ering% 4wice in the last month they+d had close calls with the 'olice% &ick with Bealous sus'icions, Gi(mo had been erratic, forgetting to schedule rende()ous, choosing dro'/off 'oints with insufficient 're'aration% Aorse, the ur'le -ang was consolidating its hold on the city+s rum/running% It was only a matter of time before they ran afoul of it% !eanwhile, back on 7urlbut, a s'oon was swinging% &ourmelina, legs bandaged, lay back in her boudoir as Desdemona 'erformed the first of the many 'rognostications that would end with me% ,4ell me it+s a girl%1 ,Jou don+t want a girl% -irls are too much trouble% Jou ha)e to worry about them going with the boys% Jou ha)e to get a dowry and find a husband<, ,4hey don+t ha)e dowries in "merica, Desdemona%1 4he s'oon began to mo)e% ,If it+s a boy, I+ll kill you%1 ," daughter you+ll fight with%1 ," daughter I can talk to%1 ," son you will lo)e%1 4he s'oon+s arc increased% ,It+s K it+s K1 ,AhatD1 ,&tart sa)ing money%1 ,JesD1 ,*ock the windows%1 ,Is itD Is it reallyD1 ,-et ready to fight%1 ,Jou mean it+s a K1 ,Jes% " girl% Definitely%1 ,2h, thank -od%1 K"nd a walk/in closet being cleaned out% "nd the walls being 'ainted white to ser)e as a nursery% 4wo identical cribs arri)e from 7udson+s% !y grandmother sets them u' in the nursery, then hangs a blanket between them in case her child is a boy% 2ut in the hall, she sto's before the )igil light to 'ray to the "ll/7oly: , lease don+t let my baby be this thing a hemo'hiliac% *efty and I didn+t know what we were doing% lease, I swear I will ne)er ha)e another baby% Just this one%1 4hirty/three weeks% 4hirty/four% In uterine swimming 'ools, babies 'erform half/gainers, fli''ing o)er headfirst% =ut &ourmelina and Desdemona, so synchroni(ed in their 'regnancies, di)erged at the end% 2n December 1#, while listening to a radio 'lay, &ourmelina remo)ed her ear'hones and announced that she was ha)ing 'ains% 4hree hours later, Dr% hilobosian deli)ered a girl, as Desdemona 'redicted% 4he baby weighed only four 'ounds three ounces and had to be ke't in an incubator for a week% ,&eeD1 *ina said to Desdemona, ga(ing at the baby through the glass% ,Dr% hil was wrong% *ook% 7er hair+s black% Hot red%1 Jimmy Gi(mo a''roached the incubator ne3t% 7e remo)ed his hat and bent )ery

#$

close to s@uint% "nd did he winceD Did the baby+s 'ale com'le3ion confirm his doubtsD 2r 'ro)ide answersD "s to why a wife might com'lain of aches and 'ainsD 2r why she might be con)eniently cured, in order to 'ro)e his 'aternityD 8Ahate)er his doubts, the child was his% &ourmelina+s com'le3ion had merely stolen the show% -enetics, a cra'shoot, entirely%: "ll I know is this: shortly after Gi(mo saw his daughter, he came u' with his final scheme% " week later, he told *efty, ,-et ready% Ae ha)e business tonight%1 "nd now the mansions along the lake are lit with 6hristmas lights% 4he great snow/co)ered lawn of 0ose 4errace, the Dodge mansion, boasts a forty/foot 6hristmas tree trucked in from the ;''er eninsula% ?l)es race around the 'ine in miniature Dodge sedans% &anta is chauffeured by a reindeer in a ca'% 80udol'h hasn+t been created yet, so the reindeer+s nose is black%: 2utside the mansion+s gates, a black/and/tan ackard 'asses by% 4he dri)er looks straight ahead% 4he 'assenger ga(es out at the enormous house% Jimmy Gi(mo is dri)ing slowly because of the chains on the tires% 4hey+)e come out along ?% Jefferson, 'ast ?lectric ark and the =elle Isle =ridge% 4hey+)e continued through Detroit+s ?ast &ide, following Jefferson ")enue% 8"nd now we+re here, my neck of the woods: -rosse ointe% 7ere+s the &tarks+ house, where 6lementine &tark and I will ,'ractice1 kissing the summer before third grade% "nd there+s the =aker W Inglis &chool for -irls, high on its hill o)er the lake%: !y grandfather is well aware that Gi(mo hasn+t come to -rosse ointe to admire the big houses% "n3iously, he waits to see what Gi(mo has in mind% Hot far from 0ose 4errace, the lakefront o'ens u', black, em'ty, and fro(en solid% Hear the bank the ice 'iles u' in chunks% Gi(mo follows the shoreline until he comes to a ga' in the road where boats launch in summer% 7e turns in to it and sto's% ,Ae+re going o)er the iceD1 my grandfather says% ,?asiest way to 6anada at the moment%1 ,"re you sure it will holdD1 In res'onse to my grandfather+s @uestion, Gi(mo only o'ens his door: to facilitate esca'e% *efty follows suit% 4he ackard+s front wheels dro' onto ice% It feels as if the entire fro(en lake shifts% " high/'itched noise follows, as when teeth bear down on ice cubes% "fter a few seconds, this sto's% 4he rear wheels dro'% 4he ice settles% !y grandfather, who hasn+t 'rayed since he was in =ursa, has the im'ulse to gi)e it another go% *ake &t% 6lair is controlled by the ur'le -ang% It 'ro)ides no trees to hide behind, no side roads to sneak down% 7e bites his thumb where the nail is missing% Aithout a moon, they see only what the insectile headlam's illuminate: fifteen feet of granular, ice/blue surface, crisscrossed by tire tracks% Oortices of snow whirl u' in front of them% Gi(mo wi'es the fogged windshield with his shirt slee)e% ,Qee' a lookout for dark ice%1 ,AhyD1 ,4hat means it+s thin%1 It+s not long before the first 'atch a''ears% Ahere shoals rise, la''ing water weakens the ice% Gi(mo steers around it% &oon, howe)er, another 'atch a''ears and he has to go in the other direction% 0ight% *eft% 0ight% 4he ackard snakes along, following the tire tracks of other rumrunners% 2ccasionally an ice house blocks their 'ath and they ha)e to back u', return the way they came% How to the right, now the left, now backward, now forward, mo)ing into the darkness o)er ice as smooth as marble% Gi(mo leans o)er the wheel, s@uinting toward where the beams die out% !y grandfather holds

#.

his door o'en, listening for the sound of the ice groaningK K=ut now, o)er the engine noise, another noise starts u'% "cross town on this )ery same night, my grandmother is ha)ing a nightmare% &he+s in a lifeboat aboard the Giulia % 6a'tain Qontoulis kneels between her legs, remo)ing her wedding corset% 7e unlaces it, 'ulls it o'en, while 'uffing on a clo)e cigarette% Desdemona, filled with embarrassment at her sudden nakedness, looks down at the obBect of the ca'tain+s fascination: a hea)y shi'+s ro'e disa''ears inside her% ,7ea)e ho>1 6a'tain Qontoulis shouts, and *efty a''ears, looking concerned% 7e takes the end of the ro'e and begins 'ulling% "nd then: ain% Dream 'ain, real but not real, Bust the neurons firing% Dee' inside Desdemona, a water balloon e3'lodes% Aarmth gushes against her thighs as blood fills the lifeboat% *efty gi)es a tug on the ro'e, then another% =lood s'atters the ca'tain+s face, but he lowers his brim and weathers it% Desdemona cries out, the lifeboat rocks, and then there+s a 'o''ing sound and she feels a sick sensation, as if she+s being torn in two, and there, on the end of the ro'e, is her child, a little knot of muscle, bruise/colored, and she looks to find the arms and cannot, and she looks to find the legs and cannot, and then the tiny head lifts and she looks into her baby+s face, a single crescent of teeth o'ening and closing, no eyes, no mouth, only teeth, fla''ing o'en and shutK Desdemona bolts awake% It+s a moment before she reali(es that her actual, real/life bed is soaked through% 7er water has brokenK Kwhile out on the ice the ackard+s headlam's brighten with each acceleration, as more Buice flows from the battery% 4hey+re in the shi''ing lane now, e@uidistant from both shores% 4he sky a great black bowl abo)e them, 'ierced with celestial fires% 4hey can+t remember the way they came now, how many turns they took, where the bad ice is% 4he fro(en terrain is scrawled with tire tracks leading in e)ery 'ossible direction% 4hey 'ass the carcasses of old Balo'ies, front ends fallen through the ice, doors riddled with bullet holes% 4here are a3les lying about, and hubca's, and a few s'are tires% In the darkness and whirling snow, my grandfather+s eyes 'lay tricks on him% 4wice he thinks he sees a 'halan3 of cars a''roaching% 4he cars toy with them, a''earing now in front, now to the side, now behind, coming and going so @uickly he can+t be sure if he saw them at all% "nd there is another smell in the ackard now, abo)e leather and whiskey, a stringent, metallic smell o)er'owering my grandfather+s deodorant: fear% It+s right then that Gi(mo, in a calm )oice, says, ,&omething I always wondered about% Ahy don+t you e)er tell anyone that *ina is your cousinD1 4he @uestion, coming out of the blue, takes my grandfather off guard% ,Ae don+t kee' it a secret%1 ,HoD1 says Gi(mo% ,I+)e ne)er heard you mention it%1 ,Ahere we come from, e)erybody is a cousin,1 *efty tries to Boke% 4hen: ,7ow much farther do we ha)e to goD1 ,2ther side of the shi''ing lane% Ae+re still on the "merican side%1 ,7ow are you going to find them out hereD1 ,Ae+ll find them% Jou want me to s'eed u'D1 Aithout waiting for a re'ly, Gi(mo ste's on the accelerator% ,4hat+s okay% -o slow%1 ,&omething else I always wanted to know,1 Gi(mo says, accelerating% ,Jimmy, be safe%1 ,Ahy did *ina ha)e to lea)e the )illage to get marriedD1

#6

,Jou+re going too fast% I don+t ha)e time to check the ice%1 ,"nswer me%1 ,Ahy did she lea)eD 4here was no one to marry% &he wanted to come to "merica%1 ,Is that what she wantedD1 7e accelerates again% ,Jimmy% &low down>1 =ut Gi(mo 'ushes the 'edal to the floor% "nd shouts, ,Is it you>1 ,Ahat are you talking aboutD1 ,Is it you>1 Gi(mo roars again, and now the engine is whining, the ice is whi((ing by underneath the car% ,Aho is it>1 he demands to know% ,4ell me> Aho is itD1K K=ut before my grandfather can come u' with an answer, another memory comes careening across the ice% It is a &unday night during my childhood and my father is taking me to the mo)ies at the Detroit Jacht 6lub% Ae ascend the red/car'eted stairs, 'assing sil)er sailing tro'hies and the oil 'ortrait of the hydro'lane racer -ar Aood% 2n the second floor, we enter the auditorium% Aooden folding chairs are set u' before a mo)ie screen% "nd now the lights ha)e been switched off and the clanking 'roBector shoots out a beam of light, showing a million dust motes in the air% 4he only way my father could think of to instill in me a sense of my heritage was to take me to dubbed Italian )ersions of the ancient -reek myths% "nd so, e)ery week, we saw 7ercules slaying the Hemean lion, or stealing the girdle of the "ma(ons 8,4hat+s some girdle, eh, 6allieD1:, or being thrown gratuitously into snake 'its without te3tual su''ort% =ut our fa)orite was the !inotaurK K2n the screen an actor in a bad wig a''ears% ,4hat+s 4heseus,1 !ilton e3'lains% ,7e+s got this ball of string his girlfriend ga)e him, see% "nd he+s using it to find his way back out of the ma(e%1 How 4heseus enters the *abyrinth% 7is torch lights u' stone walls made of cardboard% =ones and skulls litter his 'ath% =loodstains darken the fake rock% Aithout taking my eyes from the screen, I hold out my hand% !y father reaches into the 'ocket of his bla(er to find a butterscotch candy% "s he gi)es it to me, he whis'ers, ,7ere comes the !inotaur>1 "nd I shi)er with fear and delight% "cademic to me then, the sad fate of the creature% "sterius, through no fault of his own, born a monster% 4he 'oisoned fruit of betrayal, a thing of shame hidden away; I don+t understand any of that at eight% I+m Bust rooting for 4heseusK Kas my grandmother, in 19CE, 're'ares to meet the creature hidden in her womb% 7olding her belly, she sits in the backseat of the ta3i, while *ina, u' front, tells the dri)er to hurry% Desdemona breathes in and out, like a runner 'acing herself, and *ina says, ,I+m not e)en mad at you for waking me u'% I was going to the hos'ital in the morning anyway% 4hey+re letting me take the baby home%1 =ut Desdemona isn+t listening% &he o'ens her 're'acked suitcase, feeling among nightgown and sli''ers for her worry beads% "mber like congealed honey, cracked by heat, they+)e gotten her through massacres, a refugee march, and a burning city, and she clicks them as the ta3i rattles o)er the dark streets, trying to outrace her contractionsK Kas Gi(mo races the ackard o)er the ice% 4he s'eedometer needle rises% 4he engine thunders% 4ire chains rooster/tail snow% 4he ackard hurtles into the darkness, skidding on 'atches, fishtailing% ,Did you two ha)e it all 'lannedD1 he shouts% ,7a)e *ina marry an "merican citi(en so she could s'onsor youD1 ,Ahat are you talking aboutD1 my grandfather tries to reason% ,Ahen you and *ina got married, I didn+t e)en know I was coming to "merica% lease slow down%1

##

,Aas that the 'lanD 9ind a husband and then mo)e into his house>1 4he ne)er/failing conceit of !inotaur mo)ies% 4he monster always a''roaches from the direction you least e3'ect% *ikewise, out on *ake &t% 6lair, my grandfather has been looking out for the ur'le -ang, when in reality the monster is right ne3t to him, at the wheel of the car% In the wind from the o'en door, Gi(mo+s fri((y hair streams back like a mane% 7is head is lowered, his nostrils flared% 7is eyes shine with fury% ,Aho is it>1 ,Jimmy> 4urn around> 4he ice> Jou+re not looking at the ice%1 ,I won+t sto' unless you tell me%1 ,4here+s nothing to tell% *ina+s a good girl% " good wife to you% I swear>1 =ut the ackard hurtles on% !y grandfather flattens himself against his seat% ,Ahat about the baby, JimmyD 4hink about your daughter%1 ,Aho says it+s mineD1 ,2f course it+s yours%1 ,I ne)er should ha)e married that girl%1 *efty doesn+t ha)e time to argue the 'oint% Aithout answering any more @uestions, he rolls out the o'en door, free of the car% 4he wind hits him like a solid force, knocking him back against the rear fender% 7e watches as his muffler, in slow motion, winds itself around the ackard+s back wheel% 7e feels it tighten like a noose, but then the scarf comes loose from his neck, and time s'eeds u' again as *efty is thrown clear of the auto% 7e co)ers his face as he hits the ice, skidding a great distance% Ahen he looks u' again, he sees the ackard, still going% It+s im'ossible to tell if Gi(mo is trying to turn, to brake% *efty stands u', nothing broken, and watches as Gi(mo hurtles cra(ily on into the darkness K si3ty yards K eighty K a hundred K until suddenly another sound is heard% "bo)e the engine roar comes a loud crack, followed by a scintillation s'reading underfoot, as the ackard hits a dark 'atch on the fro(en lake% Just like ice, li)es crack, too% ersonalities% Identities% Jimmy Gi(mo, crouching o)er the ackard+s wheel, has already changed 'ast understanding% 0ight here is where the trail goes cold% I can take you this far and no further% !aybe it was a Bealous rage% 2r maybe he was Bust figuring his o'tions% Aeighing a dowry against the e3'ense of raising a family% -uessing that it couldn+t go on fore)er, this boom time of rohibition% "nd there+s one further 'ossibility: he might ha)e been faking the whole thing% =ut there+s no time for these ruminations% =ecause the ice is screaming% Gi(mo+s front wheels crash through the surface% 4he ackard, as gracefully as an ele'hant standing on its front legs, fli's u' onto its grille% 4here+s a moment where the headlam's illuminate the ice and water below, like a swimming 'ool, but then the hood crashes through and, with a shower of s'arks, e)erything goes dark% "t Aomen+s 7os'ital, Desdemona was in labor for si3 hours% Dr% hilobosian deli)ered the baby, whose se3 was re)ealed in the usual manner: by s'reading the legs a'art and looking% ,6ongratulations% " son%1 Desdemona, with great relief, cried out, ,4he only hair is on his head%1 *efty arri)ed at the hos'ital soon thereafter% 7e had walked back to shore and hitched a ride on a milk truck home% How he stood at the window of the nursery, his arm'its still rank with fear, his right cheek roughened by his fall on the ice and his lower li' swollen% Just that morning, fortuitously, *ina+s baby had gained enough weight to lea)e the incubator% 4he nurses held u' both children% 4he boy was named !iltiades after the great "thenian general, but would be known as !ilton, after the

#5

great ?nglish 'oet% 4he girl, who would grow u' without a father, was named 4heodora, after the scandalous em'ress of =y(antium whom &ourmelina admired% &he would later get an "merican nickname, too% =ut there was something else I wanted to mention about those babies% &omething im'ossible to see with the naked eye% *ook closer% 4here% 4hat+s right: 2ne mutation a'iece%

Marriage On !ce
Jimmy Gi(mo+s funeral was held thirteen days later by 'ermission of the bisho' in 6hicago% 9or nearly two weeks the family stayed at home, 'olluted by death, greeting the occasional )isitor who came to 'ay res'ects% =lack cloths co)ered the mirrors% =lack streamers dra'ed the doors% =ecause a 'erson should ne)er show )anity in the 'resence of death, *efty sto''ed sha)ing and by the day of the funeral had grown nearly a full beard% 4he failure of the 'olice to reco)er the body had caused the delay% 2n the day after the accident, two detecti)es had gone out to ins'ect the scene% 4he ice had refro(en during the night and a few inches of new snow had fallen% 4he detecti)es trudged back and forth, searching for tire tracks, but after a half hour ga)e u'% 4hey acce'ted *efty+s story that Gi(mo had gone ice/fishing and might ha)e been drinking% 2ne detecti)e assured *efty that bodies often turned u' in the s'ring, remarkably 'reser)ed because of the free(ing water% 4he family went ahead with their grief% 9ather &tyliano'oulos brought the case to the attention of the bisho', who granted the re@uest to gi)e Gi(mo an 2rthodo3 funeral, 'ro)ided an interment ceremony be held at the gra)eside if the body were later found% *efty took care of the funeral arrangements% 7e 'icked out a casket, chose a 'lot, ordered a headstone, and 'aid for the death notices in the news'a'er% In those days -reek immigrants were beginning to use funeral 'arlors, but &ourmelina insisted that the )iewing be held at home% 9or o)er a week mourners arri)ed into the darkened sala , where the window shades had been drawn and the scent of flowers hung hea)y in the air% Gi(mo+s shadowy business associates made )isits, as well as 'eo'le from the s'eakeasies he su''lied and a few of *ina+s friends% "fter gi)ing the widow their condolences, they crossed the li)ing room to stand before the o'en coffin% Inside, resting on a 'illow, was a framed 'hotogra'h of Jimmy Gi(mo% 4he 'icture showed Gi(mo in three/@uarters 'rofile, ga(ing u' toward the celestial glow of studio lighting% &ourmelina had cut the ribbon between their wedding crowns and 'laced her husband+s inside the coffin, too% &ourmelina+s anguish at her husband+s death far e3ceeded her affection for him in life% 9or ten hours o)er two days she keened o)er Jimmy Gi(mo+s em'ty coffin, reciting the mirologhia % In the best histrionic )illage style, &ourmelina unleashed soaring arias in which she lamented the death of her husband and castigated him for dying% Ahen she was finished with Gi(mo she railed at -od for taking him so soon, and bemoaned the fate of her newborn daughter% ,Jou are to blame> It is all your fault>1 she cried% ,Ahat reason was there for you to dieD Jou ha)e left me a widow> Jou ha)e left your child on the streets>1 &he nursed the baby as she keened and e)ery so often held her u' so that Gi(mo and -od could see what they had done% 4he older immigrants, hearing *ina+s rage, found themsel)es returning to their childhood in -reece, to memories of their

#9

own grand'arents+ or 'arents+ funerals, and e)eryone agreed that such a dis'lay of grief would guarantee Jimmy Gi(mo+s soul eternal 'eace% In accordance with 6hurch law, the funeral was held on a weekday% 9ather &tyliano'oulos, wearing a tall kalimafkion on his head and a large 'ectoral cross, came to the house at ten in the morning% "fter a 'rayer was said, &ourmelina brought the 'riest a candle burning on a 'late% &he blew it out, the smoke rose and dis'ersed, and 9ather &tyliano'oulos broke the candle in two% "fter that, e)eryone filed outside to begin the 'rocession to the church% *efty had rented a limousine for the day, and o'ened the door for his wife and cousin% Ahen he got in himself, he ga)e a small wa)e to the man who had been chosen to stay behind, blocking the doorway to kee' Gi(mo+s s'irit from reentering the house% 4his man was eter 4atakis, the future chiro'ractor% 9ollowing tradition, ;ncle ete guarded the doorway for more than two hours, until the ser)ice at the church was o)er% 4he ceremony contained the full funeral liturgy, omitting only the final 'ortion where the congregation is asked to gi)e the deceased a final kiss% Instead, &ourmelina 'assed by the casket and kissed the wedding crown, followed by Desdemona and *efty% "ssum'tion 6hurch, which at that time o'erated out of a small storefront on 7art &treet, was still less than a @uarter full% Jimmy and *ina had not been regular churchgoers% !ost of the mourners were old widows for whom funerals were a form of entertainment% "t last the 'allbearers brought the casket outside for the funeral 'hotogra'h% 4he 'artici'ants clustered around it, the sim'le 7art &treet church in the background% 9ather &tyliano'oulos took his 'osition at the head of the casket% 4he casket itself was reo'ened to show the 'hoto of Jimmy Gi(mo resting against the 'leated satin% 9lags were held o)er the coffin, the -reek flag on one side, the "merican flag on the other% Ho one smiled for the flash% "fterward, the funeral 'rocession continued to 9orest *awn 6emetery on Oan Dyke, where the casket was 'ut in storage until s'ring% 4here was still a 'ossibility that the body might materiali(e with the s'ring thaw% Des'ite the 'erformance of all the necessary rites, the family remained aware that Jimmy Gi(mo+s soul wasn+t at rest% "fter death, the souls of the 2rthodo3 do not wing their way directly to hea)en% 4hey 'refer to linger on earth and annoy the li)ing% 9or the ne3t forty days, whene)er my grandmother mis'laced her dream book or her worry beads, she blamed Gi(mo+s s'irit% 7e haunted the house, making fresh milk curdle and stealing the bathroom soa'% "s the mourning 'eriod drew to an end, Desdemona and &ourmelina 're'ared the koly,o % It was like a wedding cake, made in three blindingly white tiers% " fence surrounded the to' layer, from which grew fir trees made of green gelatin% 4here was a 'ond of blue Belly, and Gi(mo+s name was s'elled out in sil)er/coated dragIes% 2n the fortieth day after the funeral, another church ceremony was held, after which e)eryone returned to 7urlbut &treet% 4hey gathered around the koly,o , which was s'rinkled with the 'owdered sugar of the afterlife and mi3ed with the immortal seeds of 'omegranates% "s soon as they ate the cake, they could all feel it: Jimmy Gi(mo+s soul was lea)ing the earth and entering hea)en, where it couldn+t bother them anymore% "t the height of the festi)ities, &ourmelina caused a scandal when she returned from her room wearing a bright orange dress% ,Ahat are you doingD1 Desdemona whis'ered% ," widow wears black for the rest of her life%1 ,9orty days is enough,1 said *ina, and went on eating% 2nly then could the babies be ba'ti(ed% 4he ne3t &aturday, Desdemona, sei(ed

50

with conflicting emotions, watched as the children+s godfathers held them abo)e the ba'tismal font at "ssum'tion% "s she entered the church, my grandmother had felt an intense 'ride% eo'le crowded around, trying to get a look at her new baby, who had the miraculous 'ower of turning e)en the oldest women into young mothers again% During the rite itself, 9ather &tyliano'oulos cli''ed a lock of !ilton+s hair and dro''ed it into the water% 7e chrismed the sign of the cross on the baby+s forehead% 7e submerged the infant under the water% =ut as !ilton was cleansed of original sin, Desdemona remained cogni(ant of her ini@uity% &ilently, she re'eated her )ow ne)er to ha)e another child% ,*ina,1 she began a few days later, blushing% ,AhatD1 ,Hothing%1 ,Hot nothing% &omething% AhatD1 ,I was wondering% 7ow do you K if you don+t want K1 "nd she blurted it out: ,7ow do you kee' from getting 'regnantD1 *ina ga)e a low laugh% ,4hat+s not something I ha)e to worry about anymore%1 ,=ut do you know howD Is there a wayD1 ,!y mother always said as long as you+re nursing, you can+t get 'regnant% I don+t know if it+s true, but that+s what she said%1 ,=ut after that, what thenD1 ,&im'le% Don+t slee' with your husband%1 "t 'resent, it was 'ossible% &ince the birth of the baby, my grand'arents had taken a hiatus from lo)emaking% Desdemona was u' half the night breast/feeding% &he was always e3hausted% In addition, her 'erineum had torn during the deli)ery and was still healing% *efty 'olitely ke't himself from starting anything amorous, but after the second month he began to come o)er to her side of the bed% Desdemona held him off as long as she could% ,It+s too soon,1 she said% ,Ae don+t want another baby%1 ,Ahy notD !ilton needs a brother%1 ,Jou+re hurting me%1 ,I+ll be gentle% 6ome here%1 ,Ho, 'lease, not tonight%1 ,AhatD "re you turning into &ourmelinaD 2nce a year is enoughD1 ,Puiet% Jou+ll wake the baby%1 ,I don+t care if I wake the baby%1 ,Don+t shout% 2kay% 7ere% I+m ready%1 =ut fi)e minutes later: ,Ahat+s the matterD1 ,Hothing%1 ,Don+t tell me nothing% It+s like being with a statue%1 ,2h, *efty>1 "nd she burst into sobs% *efty comforted her and a'ologi(ed, but as he turned o)er to go to slee' he felt himself being enclosed in the loneliness of fatherhood% Aith the birth of his son, ?leutherios &te'hanides saw his future and continuing diminishment in the eyes of his wife, and as he buried his face in his 'illow, he understood the com'laint of fathers e)erywhere who li)ed like boarders in their own homes% 7e felt a mad Bealousy toward his infant son, whose cries were the only sounds Desdemona seemed to hear, whose little body was the reci'ient of unending ministrations and caresses, and who had muscled his own father aside in Desdemona+s affections by a seemingly di)ine subterfuge, a god taking the form of a 'iglet in order to suckle at a woman+s breast%

51

2)er the ne3t weeks and months, *efty watched from the &iberia of his side of the bed as this mother/infant lo)e affair blossomed% 7e saw his wife scrunch her face u' against the baby+s to make cooing noises; he mar)eled at her com'lete lack of disgust toward the infant+s bodily 'rocesses, the tenderness with which she cleaned u' and 'owdered the baby+s bottom, rubbing with circular motions and e)en once, to *efty+s shock, s'reading the tiny buttocks to daub the rosebud between with 'etroleum Belly% 9rom then on, my grand'arents+ relationshi' began to change% ;' until !ilton+s birth, *efty and Desdemona had enBoyed an unusually close and egalitarian marriage for its time% =ut as *efty began to feel left out, he retaliated with tradition% 7e sto''ed calling his wife kukla , which meant ,doll,1 and began calling her kyria , which meant ,!adame%1 7e reinstituted se3 segregation in the house, reser)ing the sala for his male com'anions and banishing Desdemona to the kitchen% 7e began to gi)e orders% , &yria , my dinner%1 2r: , &yria , bring the drinks>1 In this he acted like his contem'oraries and no one noticed anything out of the ordinary e3ce't &ourmelina% =ut e)en she couldn+t entirely throw off the chains of the )illage, and when *efty had his male friends o)er to the house to smoke cigars and sing kleftic songs, she retreated to her bedroom% &hut u' in the isolation of 'aternity, *efty &te'hanides concentrated on finding a safer way to make a li)ing% 7e wrote to the "tlantis ublishing 6om'any in Hew Jork, offering his ser)ices as a translator, but recei)ed in return only a letter thanking him for his interest, along with a catalogue% 7e ga)e the catalogue to Desdemona, who ordered a new dream book% Aearing his blue rotestant suit, *efty )isited the local uni)ersities and colleges in 'erson to in@uire about the 'ossibility of becoming a -reek instructor% =ut there were few 'ositions, and all were filled% !y grandfather lacked the necessary classics degree; he hadn+t e)en graduated from uni)ersity% 4hough he learned to s'eak a fluent, somewhat eccentric ?nglish, his written command of the language was mediocre at best% Aith a wife and child to su''ort, there was no thought of his returning to school% Des'ite these obstacles or maybe because of them, during the forty/day mourning 'eriod *efty had set u' a study for himself in the li)ing room and returned to his scholarly 'ursuits% 2bstinately, and for sheer esca'e, he s'ent hours translating 7omer and !imnermos into ?nglish% 7e used beautiful, much too e3'ensi)e !ilanese notebooks and wrote with a fountain 'en filled with emerald ink% In the e)enings, other young immigrant men came o)er, bringing bootleg whiskey, and they all drank and 'layed backgammon% &ometimes Desdemona smelled the familiar musky/sweet scent see'ing under the door% During the daytime, if he felt coo'ed u', *efty 'ulled his new fedora low on his forehead and left the house to think% 7e walked down to Aaterworks ark, ama(ed that the "mericans had built such a 'alace to house 'lumbing filters and intake )al)es% 7e went down to the ri)er and stood among the dry/docked boats% -erman she'herds, chained in ice/whitened yards, snarled at him% 7e 'eeked into the windows of bait sho's closed for the winter% During one of these walks he 'assed a demolished a'artment building% 4he faZade had been torn down, re)ealing the inner rooms like a dollhouse% *efty saw the brightly tiled kitchens and bathrooms hanging in midair, half/enclosed s'aces whose rich colors reminded him of the sultans+ tombs, and he had an idea% 4he ne3t morning he climbed down into the basement on 7urlbut and went to work% 7e remo)ed Desdemona+s s'iced sausages from the heating 'i'es% 7e swe't u' the cobwebs and laid a rug o)er the dirt floor% 7e brought down Jimmy Gi(mo+s (ebra

5C

skin from u'stairs and tacked it on the wall% In front of the sink he built a small bar out of discarded lumber and co)ered it with sca)enged tiles: blue/and/white arabes@ues; Hea'olitan checkerboard; red heraldic dragons; and local, earth/tone ewabics% 9or tables, he u'ended cable reels and s'read them with cloths% 7e tented bedsheets o)erhead, hiding the 'i'es% 9rom his old connections in the rum/running business he rented a slot machine and ordered a week+s su''ly of beer and whiskey% "nd on a cold 9riday night in 9ebruary of 19C$, he o'ened for business% 4he Gebra 0oom was a neighborhood 'lace with irregular hours% Ahene)er *efty was o'en for business he 'ut an icon of &t% -eorge in the li)ing room window, facing the street% atrons came around back, gi)ing a coded knock<a long and two shorts followed by two longs<on the basement door% 4hen they descended out of the "merica of factory work and tyrannical foremen into an "rcadian grotto of forgetfulness% !y grandfather 'ut the Oictrola in the corner% 7e set out braided sesame koulouria on the bar% 7e greeted 'eo'le with the e3uberance they e3'ected from a foreigner and he flirted with the ladies% =ehind the bar a stained glass window of li@uor bottles glowed: the blues of ?nglish gin, the dee' reds of claret and !adeira, the tawny browns of scotch and bourbon% " hanging lam' s'un on its chain, s'eckling the (ebra skin with light and making the customers feel e)en drunker than they were% 2ccasionally someone would stand u' from his chair and begin to twitch and sna' his fingers to the strange music, while his com'anions laughed% Down in that basement s'eakeasy, my grandfather ac@uired the attributes of the barkee' he would be for the rest of his life% 7e channeled his intellectual 'owers into the science of mi3ology% 7e learned how to ser)e the e)ening rush one/man/band style, 'ouring whiskeys with his right hand while filling beer steins with his left, as he 'ushed out coasters with his elbow and 'um'ed the keg with his foot% 9or fourteen to si3teen hours a day he worked in that sum'tuously decorated hole in the ground and ne)er sto''ed mo)ing the entire time% If he wasn+t 'ouring drinks, he was refilling the koulouria trays% If he wasn+t rolling out a new beer keg, he was 'lacing hard/boiled eggs in a wire ham'er% 7e ke't his body busy so that his mind wouldn+t ha)e a chance to think: about the growing coldness of his wife, or the way their crime 'ursued them% *efty had dreamed of o'ening a casino, and the Gebra 0oom was as close as he e)er came to it% 4here was no gambling, no 'otted 'alms, but there was rebetika and, on many nights, hashish% 2nly in 19.5, when he had ste''ed from behind the bar of another Gebra 0oom, would my grandfather ha)e the leisure to remember his youthful dreams of roulette wheels% 4hen, trying to make u' for lost time, he would ruin himself, and finally silence his )oice in my life fore)er% Desdemona and &ourmelina remained u'stairs, raising the children% ractically s'eaking, this meant that Desdemona got them out of bed in the morning, fed them, washed their faces, and changed their dia'ers before bringing them in to &ourmelina, who by then was recei)ing )isitors, still smelling of the cucumber slices she 'ut o)er her eyelids at night% "t the sight of 4heodora, &ourmelina s'read her arms and crooned, %-hryso fili'( <snatching her golden girl from Desdemona and co)ering her face with kisses% 9or the rest of the morning, drinking coffee, *ina amused herself by a''lying kohl to little 4heodora+s eyelashes% Ahen odors arose, she handed the baby back, saying, ,&omething ha''ened%1 It was &ourmelina+s belief that the soul didn+t enter the body until a child started s'eaking% &he let Desdemona worry about the dia'er rashes and whoo'ing coughs, the earaches and nosebleeds% Ahene)er com'any came o)er for &unday dinner, howe)er,

5E

&ourmelina greeted them with the o)erdressed baby 'inned to her shoulder, the 'erfect accessory% &ourmelina was bad with babies but terrific with teenagers% &he was there for your first crushes and heartbreaks, your 'arty dresses and s'ins at so'histicated states like anomie% "nd so, in those early years, !ilton and 4heodora grew u' together in the traditional &te'hanides way% "s once a kelimi had se'arated a brother and sister, now a wool blanket se'arated second cousins% "s once a double shadow had lea't u' against a mountainside, now a similarly conBoined shadow mo)ed across the back 'orch of the house on 7urlbut% 4hey grew% "t one, they shared the same bathwater% "t two, the same crayons% "t three, !ilton sat in a toy air'lane while 4heodora s'un the 'ro'eller% =ut the ?ast &ide of Detroit wasn+t a small mountain )illage% 4here were lots of kids to 'lay with% "nd so when he turned four, !ilton renounced his cousin+s com'anionshi', 'referring to 'lay with neighborhood boys% 4heodora didn+t care% =y then she had another cousin to 'lay with% Desdemona had done e)erything she could to fulfill her 'romise of ne)er ha)ing another child% &he nursed !ilton until he was three% &he continued to rebuff *efty+s ad)ances% =ut it was im'ossible to do so e)ery night% 4here were times when the guilt she felt for marrying *efty conflicted with the guilt she felt for not satisfying him% 4here were times when *efty+s need seemed so des'erate, so 'itiful, that she couldn+t resist gi)ing in to him% "nd there were times when she, too, needed 'hysical comfort and release% It ha''ened no more than a handful of times each year, though more often in the summer months% 2ccasionally Desdemona had too much wine on somebody+s name day, and then it also ha''ened% "nd on a hot night in July of 19C# it significantly ha''ened, and the result was a daughter: GoF 7elen &te'hanides, my "unt Go% 9rom the moment she learned that she was 'regnant, my grandmother was again tormented by fears that the baby would suffer a hideous birth defect% In the 2rthodo3 6hurch, e)en the children of closely related god'arents were ke't from marrying, on the grounds that this amounted to s'iritual incest% Ahat was that com'ared with thisD 4his was much worse> &o Desdemona agoni(ed, unable to slee' at night as the new baby grew inside her% 4hat she had 'romised the anaghia, the "ll/7oly Oirgin, that she would ne)er ha)e another child only made Desdemona feel more certain that the hand of Budgment would now fall hea)y on her head% =ut once again her an3ieties were for naught% 4he following s'ring, on "'ril C#, 19C5, GoF &te'hanides was born, a large, healthy girl with the s@uarish head of her grandmother, a 'owerful cry, and nothing at all the matter with her% !ilton had little interest in his new sister% 7e 'referred shooting his slingshot with his friends% 4heodora was Bust the o''osite% &he was enthralled with GoF% &he carried the new baby around with her like a new doll% 4heir lifelong friendshi', which would suffer many strains, began from day one, with 4heodora 'retending to be GoF+s mother% 4he arri)al of another baby made the house on 7urlbut feel crowded% &ourmelina decided to mo)e out% &he found a Bob in a florist+s sho', lea)ing *efty and Desdemona to assume the mortgage on the house% In the fall of that same year, &ourmelina and 4heodora took u' residence nearby in the 2+4oole =oardinghouse, right behind 7urlbut on 6adillac =oule)ard% 4he backs of the two houses faced each other and *ina and 4heodora were still close enough to )isit nearly e)ery day% 2n 4hursday, 2ctober C$, 19C9, on Aall &treet in Hew Jork 6ity, men in finely tailored suits began Bum'ing from the windows of the city+s famous skyscra'ers% 4heir

5$

lemming/like des'air seemed far away from 7urlbut &treet, but little by little the dark cloud 'assed o)er the nation, mo)ing in the o''osite direction to the weather, until it reached the !idwest% 4he De'ression made itself known to *efty by a growing number of em'ty barstools% "fter nearly si3 years of o'erating at full ca'acity, there began to be slow 'eriods, nights when the 'lace was only two/thirds full, or Bust half% Hothing deterred the stoic alcoholics from their calling% Des'ite the international banking cons'iracy 8unmasked by 9ather 6oughlin on the radio:, these stalwarts 'resented themsel)es for duty whene)er &t% -eorge gallo'ed in the window% =ut the social drinkers and family men sto''ed showing u'% =y !arch of 19E0, only half as many 'atrons ga)e the secret dactylic/s'ondaic knock on the basement door% =usiness 'icked u' during the summer% ,Don+t worry,1 *efty told Desdemona% , resident 7erbert 7oo)er is taking care of things% 4he worst is o)er%1 4hey skated along through the ne3t year and a half, but by 19EC only a few customers were coming in each day% *efty e3tended credit, discounted drinks, but it was no use% &oon he couldn+t 'ay for shi'ments of li@uor% 2ne day two men came in and re'ossessed the slot machine% ,It was terrible% 4errible>1 Desdemona still cried fifty years later, describing those years% 4hroughout my childhood the slightest mention of the De'ression would set my yia yia off into a full cycle of wailing and breast/clutching% 8?)en once when the subBect was ,manic de'ression%1: &he would go lim' in her chair, s@uee(ing her face in both hands like the figure in !unch+s !he "cream <and then would do so: , Mana' 4he De'ression> &o terrible you no can belie)e> ?)erybody they no ha)e work% I remember the marches for the hunger, all the 'eo'le they are marching in the street, a million 'eo'le, one after one, one after one, to go to tell !r% 7enry 9ord to o'en the factory% 4hen we ha)e in the alley one night a noise was terrible% 4he 'eo'le they are killing rats, 'lam 'lam 'lam, with sticks, to go to eat the rats% 2h my -od> "nd *efty he was no working in the factory then% 7e only ha)ing, you know, the s'eakeasy, where the 'eo'le they use to come to drink% =ut in the De'ression was in the middle another bad time, economy )ery bad, and nobody they ha)e money to drink% 4hey no can eat, how they can drinkD &o soon papou and yia yia we no ha)e money% "nd then 1<hand to heart<,then they make me go to work for those ma,ros % =lack 'eo'le> 2h my -od>1 It ha''ened like this% 2ne night, my grandfather got into bed with my grandmother to find that she wasn+t alone% !ilton, eight years old now, was snuggled u' against her side% 2n her other side was GoF, who was only four% *efty, e3hausted from work, looked down at the s'ectacle of this menagerie% 7e lo)ed the sight of his slee'ing children% Des'ite the 'roblems of his marriage, he could ne)er blame his son or daughter for them% "t the same time, he rarely saw them% In order to make enough money he had to kee' the s'eakeasy o'en si3teen, sometimes eighteen, hours a day% 7e worked se)en days a week% 4o su''ort his family he had to be e3iled from them% In the mornings when he was around the house, his children treated him like a familiar relati)e, an uncle maybe, but not a father% "nd then there was the 'roblem of the bar ladies% &er)ing drinks day and night, in a dim grotto, he had many o''ortunities to meet women drinking with their friends or e)en alone% !y grandfather was thirty years old in 19EC% 7e had filled out and become a man; he was charming, friendly, always well dressed<and still in his 'hysical 'rime% ;'stairs his wife was too frightened to ha)e se3, but down in the Gebra 0oom women ga)e *efty bold, hot looks% How, as my grandfather ga(ed down at the three slee'ing figures in the bed, his head contained all these things at once: lo)e for his children, lo)e for his wife, along with frustration with his marriage, and boyish, unmarried/feeling

5.

e3citement around the bar ladies% 7e bent his face close to GoF+s% 7er hair was still wet from the bath, and richly fragrant% 7e took his fatherly delights while at the same time he remained a man a'art% *efty knew that all the things in his head couldn+t hold together% "nd so after ga(ing on the beauty of his children+s faces, he lifted them out of the bed and carried them back to their own room% 7e returned and got into bed beside his slee'ing wife% -ently, he began stroking her, mo)ing his hand u' under her nightgown% "nd suddenly Desdemona+s eyes o'ened% ,Ahat are you doing>1 ,Ahat do you think I+m doingD1 ,I+m slee'ing%1 ,I+m waking you u'%1 ,&hame on you%1 !y grandmother 'ushed him away% "nd *efty relented% 7e rolled angrily away from her% 4here was a long silence before he s'oke% ,I don+t get anything from you% I work all the time and I get nothing%1 ,Jou think I don+t workD I ha)e two children to take care of%1 ,If you were a normal wife, it might be worth it for me to be working all the time%1 ,If you were a normal husband, you would hel' with the children%1 ,7ow can I hel' youD Jou don+t e)en understand what it takes to make money in this country% Jou think I+m ha)ing a good time down thereD1 ,Jou 'lay music, you drink% I can hear the music in the kitchen%1 ,4hat+s my Bob% 4hat+s why the 'eo'le come% "nd if they don+t come, we can+t 'ay our bills% 4he whole thing rests on me% 4hat+s what you don+t understand% I work all day and night and then when I come to bed I can+t e)en slee'% 4here+s no room>1 ,!ilton had a nightmare%1 ,I+m ha)ing a nightmare e)ery day%1 7e switched the light on and, in its glow, Desdemona saw her husband+s face screwed u' with a malice she+d ne)er seen before% It was no longer *efty+s face, no longer that of her brother or her husband% It was the face of someone new, a stranger she was li)ing with% "nd this terrible new face deli)ered an ultimatum: ,4omorrow morning,1 *efty s'at, ,you+re going to go get a Bob%1 4he ne3t day, when *ina came o)er for lunch, Desdemona asked her to read the news'a'er for her% ,7ow can I workD I don+t e)en know ?nglish%1 ,Jou know a little%1 ,Ae should ha)e gone to -reece% In -reece a husband wouldn+t make his wife go out and get a Bob%1 ,Don+t worry,1 *ina said, holding u' the recycled news'rint% ,4here aren+t any%1 4he 19EC 1etroit !imes classifieds, ad)ertised to a 'o'ulation of four million, ran to Bust o)er one column% &ourmelina s@uinted, looking for something a''ro'riate% ,Aaitress,1 *ina read% ,Ho%1 ,Ahy notD1 ,!en would flirt with me%1 ,Jou don+t like to flirtD1 ,0ead,1 Desdemona said% ,4ool and dye,1 said *ina%

56

!y grandmother frowned% ,Ahat is thatD1 ,I don+t know%1 ,*ike dyeing fabricD1 ,!aybe%1 ,-o on,1 said Desdemona% ,6igar roller,1 *ina continued% ,I don+t like smoke%1 ,7ousemaid%1 ,*ina, 'lease% I can+t be a maid for somebody%1 ,&ilk worker%1 ,AhatD1 ,&ilk worker% 4hat+s all it says% "nd an address%1 ,&ilk workerD I+m a silk worker% I know e)erything%1 ,4hen congratulations, you ha)e a Bob% If it+s not gone by the time you get there%1 "n hour later, dressed for Bob hunting, my grandmother reluctantly left the house% &ourmelina had tried to 'ersuade her to borrow a dress with a low neckline% ,Aear this and no one will notice what kind of ?nglish you s'eak,1 she said% =ut Desdemona set out for the streetcar in one of her 'lain dresses, gray with brown 'olka dots% 7er shoes, hat, and handbag were each a brown that almost matched% 4hough 'referable to automobiles, streetcars didn+t a''eal to Desdemona either% &he had trouble telling the lines a'art% 4he fitful, ghost/'owered trolleys were always making une3'ected turns, shuttling her off into unknown 'arts of the city% Ahen the first trolley sto''ed, she shouted at the conductor, ,DowntownD1 7e nodded% &he boarded, fli''ed down a seat, and took from her 'urse the address *ina had written out% Ahen the conductor 'assed by, she showed it to him% ,7astings &treetD 4hat what you wantD1 ,Jes% 7astings &treet%1 ,&tay on this car to -ratiot% 4hen take the -ratiot car downtown% -et off at 7astings%1 "t the mention of -ratiot, Desdemona felt relie)ed% &he and *efty took the -ratiot line to -reektown% How e)erything made sense% "o, they don+t make silk in 1etroit9 she trium'hantly asked her absent husband% !hat+s how much you know. 4he streetcar 'icked u' s'eed% 4he storefronts of !ack ")enue 'assed by, more than a few closed u', windows soa'ed o)er% Desdemona 'ressed her face to the glass, but now, because she was alone, she had a few more words to say to *efty% )f those policemen at Ellis )sland hadn+t taken my silkworms, ) could set up a cocoonery in the $ackyard. ) wouldn+t ha,e to get a :o$. /e could make a lot of money. ) told you so. assengers+ clothes, still dressy in those days, ne)ertheless showed wear and tear: hats gone unblocked for months, hemlines and cuffs frayed, neckties and la'els gra)y/stained% 2n the curb a man held u' a hand/'ainted sign:

5#

.ork is (hat ! (ant and not charity (ho (ill help me get a 5ob1 6 years in 'etroit1 %o money1 Sent a(ay furnish best of references1
.ook at that poor man. !ana> He looks like a refugee. Might as well $e "myrna, this city. /hat+s the difference9 4he streetcar labored on, mo)ing away from the landmarks she knew, the greengrocer+s, the mo)ie theater, the fire hydrants and neighborhood news'a'er stands% 7er )illage eyes, which could differentiate between trees and bushes at a glance, gla(ed o)er at the signage along the route, the meaningless roman letters swirling into one another and the ragged billboards showing "merican faces with the skin 'eeling off, faces without eyes, or with no mouth, or with nothing but a nose% Ahen she recogni(ed -ratiot+s diagonal swath, she stood u' and called out in a ringing )oice: ,&onnamabiche>1 &he had no idea what this ?nglish word meant% &he had heard &ourmelina em'loy it whene)er she missed her sto'% "s usual, it worked% 4he dri)er braked the streetcar and the 'assengers mo)ed @uickly aside to let her off% 4hey seemed sur'rised when she smiled and thanked them% 2n the -ratiot streetcar she told the conductor, , lease, I want 7astings &treet%1 ,7astingsD Jou sureD1 &he showed him the address and said it louder: %Hastings "treet.( ,2kay% I+ll let you know%1 4he streetcar made for -reektown% Desdemona checked her reflection in the window and fi3ed her hat% &ince her 'regnancies she had 'ut on weight, thickened in the waist, but her skin and hair were still beautiful and she was still an attracti)e woman% "fter looking at herself, she returned her attention to the 'assing scenery% Ahat else would my grandmother ha)e seen on the streets of Detroit in 19ECD &he would ha)e seen men in flo''y ca's selling a''les on corners% &he would ha)e seen cigar rollers ste''ing outside windowless factories for fresh air, their faces stained a 'ermanent brown from tobacco dust% &he would ha)e seen workers handing out 'ro/union 'am'hlets while inkerton detecti)es tailed them% In alleyways, she might ha)e seen union/busting goons working o)er those same 'am'hleteers% &he would ha)e seen 'olicemen, on foot and horseback, 60 'ercent of whom were secretly members of the white rotestant 2rder of the =lack *egion, who had their own methods for dis'osing of blacks, 6ommunists, and 6atholics% ,=ut come on, 6al,1 I hear my mother+s )oice, ,don+t you ha)e anything nice to sayD1 2kay, all right% Detroit in 19EC was known as ,4he 6ity of 4rees%1 !ore trees 'er s@uare mile here than any other city in the country% 4o sho', you had Qern+s and 7udson+s% 2n Aoodward ")enue the auto magnates had built the beautiful Detroit Institute of "rts, where, that )ery minute while Desdemona rode to her Bob inter)iew, a !e3ican artist named Diego 0i)era was working on his own new commission: a mural de'icting the new mythology of the automobile industry% 2n scaffolding he sat on a folding chair, sketching the great work: the four androgynous races of humankind on the u''er 'anels, ga(ing down on the 0i)er 0ouge assembly line, where auto workers labored, their bodies harmoni(ed with effort% Oarious smaller 'anels showed the ,germ cell1 of an infant wra''ed in a 'lant bulb, the wonder and dread of medicine, the indigenous fruits and grains of !ichigan; and way o)er in one corner 7enry 9ord himself, gray/faced and tight/assed, going o)er the books%

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4he trolley 'assed !cDougal, Jos% 6am'au, and 6hene, and then, with a little shi)er, it crossed 7astings &treet% "t that moment e)ery 'assenger, all of whom were white, 'erformed a talismanic gesture% !en 'atted wallets, women refastened 'urses% 4he dri)er 'ulled the le)er that closed the rear door% Desdemona, noticing all this, looked out to see that the streetcar had entered the =lack =ottom ghetto% 4here was no roadblock, no fence% 4he streetcar didn+t so much as 'ause as it crossed the in)isible barrier, but at the same time in the length of a block the world was different% 4he light seemed to change, growing gray as it filtered through laundry lines% 4he gloom of front 'orches and a'artments without electricity see'ed out into the streets, and the thundercloud of 'o)erty that hung o)er the neighborhood directed attention downward toward the clarity of forlorn, shadowless obBects: red bricks crumbling off a stoo', 'iles of trash and ham bones, used tires, crushed 'inwheels from last year+s fair, someone+s old lost shoe% 4he derelict @uiet lasted only a moment before =lack =ottom eru'ted from all its alleys and doorways% .ook at all the children' "o many' &uddenly children were running alongside the streetcar, wa)ing and shouting% 4hey 'layed chicken with it, Bum'ing in front of the tracks% 2thers climbed onto the back% Desdemona 'ut a hand to her throat% /hy do they ha,e so many children9 /hat+s the matter with these people9 !he ma)ro women should nurse their $a$ies longer. "ome$ody should tell them. How in the alleys she saw men washing themsel)es at o'en faucets% 7alf/dressed women Butted out hi's on second/story 'orches% Desdemona looked in awe and terror at all the faces filling the windows, all the bodies filling the streets, nearly a half million 'eo'le s@uee(ed into twenty/fi)e s@uare blocks% ?)er since Aorld Aar I when ?% I% Aeiss, manager of the ackard !otor 6om'any, had brought, by his own re'ort, the first ,load of niggers1 to the city, here in =lack =ottom was where the establishment had thought to kee' them% "ll kinds of 'rofessions now crowded in together, foundry workers and lawyers, maids and car'enters, doctors and hoodlums, but most 'eo'le, this being 19EC, were unem'loyed% &till, more and more were coming e)ery year, e)ery month, seeking Bobs in the Horth% 4hey sle't on e)ery couch in e)ery house% 4hey built shacks in the yards% 4hey cam'ed on roofs% 84his state of affairs couldn+t last, of course% 2)er the years, =lack =ottom, for all the whites+ attem'ts to contain it<and because of the ine3orable laws of 'o)erty and racism<would slowly s'read, street by street, neighborhood by neighborhood, until the so/called ghetto would become the entire city itself, and by the 19#0s, in the no/ta3/base, white/flight, murder/ca'ital Detroit of the 6oleman Joung administration, black 'eo'le could finally li)e where)er they wanted to K: =ut now, back in 19EC, something odd was ha''ening% 4he streetcar was slowing down% In the middle of =lack =ottom, it was sto''ing and<unheard of><o'ening its doors% assengers fidgeted% 4he conductor ta''ed Desdemona on the shoulder% ,*ady, this is it% 7astings%1 ,7astings &treetD1 &he didn+t belie)e him% &he showed him the address again% 7e 'ointed out the door% ,&ilk factory hereD1 she asked the conductor% ,Ho telling what+s here% Hot my neighborhood%1 "nd so my grandmother ste''ed off onto 7astings &treet% 4he streetcar 'ulled away, as white faces looked back at her, a woman thrown o)erboard% &he started walking% -ri''ing her 'urse, she hurried down 7astings as though she knew where she was going% &he ke't her eyes fi3ed straight ahead% 6hildren Bum'ed ro'e on the sidewalk% "t a third/story window a man tore u' a 'iece of 'a'er and shouted, ,9rom

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now on, you can send my mail to aris, 'ostman%1 9ront 'orches were full of li)ing room furniture, old couches and armchairs, 'eo'le 'laying checkers, arguing, wa)ing fingers, and breaking into laughter% #lways laughing, these ma)ros% .aughing, laughing, as though e,erything is funny. /hat is so funny, tell me9 #nd what is;oh my God';a man doing his $usiness in the street' ) won+t look. &he 'assed the yard of a Bunk artist: the &e)en Aonders of the Aorld made in bottle ca's% "n ancient drunk in a colorful sombrero mo)ed in slow motion, sucking his toothless maw and holding out a hand for s'are change% ut what can they do9 !hey don+t ha,e any plum$ing. 8o sewers, terri$le, terri$le. &he walked by a barbersho' where men were getting their hair straightened, wearing shower ca's like women% "cross the street young men were calling out to her: ,=aby, you got so many cur)es you make a car crash>1 ,Jou must be a doughnut, baby, +cause you make my Belly roll>1 *aughter eru'ted behind her as she hurried on% 9arther and farther in, 'ast streets she didn+t know the names of% 4he smell of unfamiliar food in the air now, fish caught from the nearby ri)er, 'ig knuckles, hominy grits, fried baloney, black/eyed 'eas% =ut also many houses where nothing was cooking, where no one was laughing or e)en talking, dark rooms full of weary faces and scroungy dogs% It was from a 'orch like this that somebody finally s'oke% " woman, thank -od% ,Jou lostD1 Desdemona took in the soft, molded face% ,I am looking for factory% &ilk factory%1 ,Ho factories around here% If there was they+d be closed%1 Desdemona handed her the address% 4he lady 'ointed across the street% ,Jou there%1 "nd turning, what did Desdemona seeD Did she see a brown brick building known until recently as !c herson 7allD " 'lace rented out for 'olitical meetings, weddings, or demonstrations by the occasional tra)eling clair)oyantD Did she notice the ornamental touches around the entrance, the 0oman urns s'illing granite fruit, the harle@uin marbleD 2r did her eyes focus instead on the two young black men standing at attention outside the front doorD Did she notice their im'eccable suits, one the light blue of a globe+s watery 'ortions, the other the 'ale la)ender of 9rench 'astillesD 6ertainly she must ha)e noticed their military bearing, the high 'olish of their shoes, their )i)id neckties% &he must ha)e felt the contrast between the young men+s confident air and that of the downtrodden neighborhood, but whate)er she felt at that moment, her com'le3 reaction has come down to me as a single, shocked reali(ation% 9e((es% 4hey were wearing fe((es% 4he soft, maroon, flat/to''ed headgear of my grand'arents+ former tormentors% 4he hats named for the city in !orocco where the blood/colored dye came from, and which 8on the heads of soldiers: had chased my grand'arents out of 4urkey, staining the earth a dark maroon% How here they were again, in Detroit, on the heads of two handsome young Hegroes% 8"nd fe((es will a''ear once more in my story, on the day of a funeral, but the coincidence, being the kind of thing only real life can come u' with, is too good to gi)e away right now%: 4entati)ely, Desdemona crossed the street% &he told the men she+d come about the ad% 2ne nodded% ,Jou ha)e to go around back,1 he said% olitely, he led her down an alley and into the well/swe't backyard% "t that moment, as at a discreet signal, the back door swung o'en and Desdemona recei)ed her second shock% 4wo women in chadors a''eared% 4hey looked, to my grandmother, like de)out !uslims from =ursa, e3ce't for the color of their garments% 4hey weren+t black% 4hey were white% 4he chadors

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started at their chins and hung all the way to their ankles% Ahite headscar)es co)ered their hair% 4hey wore no )eils, but as they came forward, Desdemona saw brown school o3fords on their feet% 9e((es, chadors, and ne3t this: a mos@ue% Inside, the former !c herson 7all had been redecorated according to a !oorish theme% 4he attendants led Desdemona o)er geometric tilework% 4hey took her 'ast thick, fringed dra'eries that shut out the light% 4here was no sound but the swishing of the women+s robes and, from far off, what sounded like a )oice s'eaking or 'raying% 9inally, they showed her into an office where a woman was hanging a 'icture% ,I+m &ister Aanda,1 the woman said, without turning around% ,&u'reme 6a'tain, 4em'le Ho% 1%1 &he wore another sort of chador entirely, with 'i'ing and e'aulettes% 4he 'icture she was hanging showed a flying saucer ho)ering o)er the skyline of Hew Jork% It was shooting out rays% ,Jou come about the BobD1 ,Jes% I am silk worker% 7a)e lot e3'erience% 9arming the silk, making the cocoonery, wea)ing the K1 &ister Aanda swi)eled around% &he scanned Desdemona+s face% ,Ae got a 'roblem% Ahat you isD1 ,I+m -reek%1 ,-reek, huh% 4hat+s a kind of white, isn+t itD Jou born in -reeceD1 ,Ho% 9rom 4urkey% Ae come from 4urkey% !y husband and me, too%1 ,4urkey> Ahy didn+t you say soD 4urkey+s a !uslim country% Jou a !uslimD1 ,Ho, -reek% -reek 6hurch%1 ,=ut you born in 4urkey%1 %8e.( ,AhatD1 ,Jes%1 ,"nd your 'eo'le come from 4urkeyD1 ,Jes%1 ,&o you 'robably mi3ed u' a little bit, rightD Jou not all white%1 Desdemona hesitated% ,&ee, I+m trying to see how we can work it,1 &ister Aanda went on% ,!inister 9ard, who come to us from the 7oly 6ity of !ecca, he always be im'ressing on us the im'ortance of self/reliance% 6an+t rely on no white man no more% -ot to do for ourself, understandD1 &he lowered her )oice% , roblem is, nobody worth a toot come for the ad% eo'le come in here, they say they know silk, but they don+t know nothing% Just ho'ing to get hired and fired% -et a day+s 'ay%1 &he narrowed her eyes% ,4hat what you 'lanningD1 ,Ho% I want only hire% Ho fire%1 ,=ut what you isD -reek, 4urkish, or whatD1 "gain Desdemona hesitated% &he thought about her children% &he imagined coming home to them without any food% "nd then she swallowed hard% ,?)erybody mi3ed% 4urks, -reeks, same same%1 ,4hat+s what I wanted to hear%1 &ister Aanda smiled broadly% ,!inister 9ard, he mi3ed, too% *et me show you what we need%1 &he led Desdemona down a long, wainscoted corridor, through a tele'hone o'erator+s office, and into another darker hallway% "t the far end hea)y dra'es blocked off the main lobby% 4wo young guards stood at attention% ,Jou come to work for us,

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few things you should know% He)er, e)er, go through them curtains% !ain tem'le in there, where !inister 9ard deli)er his sermons% Jou stay back here in the women+s @uarters% =est co)er your hair, too% 4hat hat shows your ears, which be an enticement%1 Desdemona instincti)ely touched her ears, looking back at the guards% 4heir e3'ressions remained im'assi)e% &he turned back, following the &u'reme 6a'tain% ,*et me show you the o'eration we got going,1 &ister Aanda said% ,Ae got e)erything% "ll we need is a little, you know, know< how%1 &he started u' the stairs and Desdemona followed% 8It+s a long stairway, three flights u', and &ister Aanda has bad knees, so it will take some time for them to reach the to'% *ea)e them there, climbing, while I e3'lain what my grandmother had gotten herself into%: ,&ometime in the summer of 19E0, an amiable but faintly mysterious 'eddler suddenly a''eared in the black ghetto of Detroit%1 8I+m @uoting from 6% ?ric *incoln+s !he lack Muslims of #merica. : ,7e was thought to be an "rab, although his racial and national identity remain undocumented% 7e was welcomed into homes of culture/hungry "frican/"mericans who were eager to 'urchase his silks and artifacts, which he claimed were those worn by black 'eo'le in their homeland across the sea K 7is customers were so an3ious to learn of their own 'ast and the country from which they came that the 'eddler soon began holding meetings from house to house throughout the community% ,"t first, the L'ro'het,+ as he came to be known, confined his teachings to a recitation of his e3'eriences in foreign lands, admonitions against certain foods, and suggestions for im'ro)ing listeners+ 'hysical health% 7e was kind, friendly, unassuming and 'atient%1 ,7a)ing aroused the interests of his host1 8we mo)e now to #n 3riginal Man by 6laude "ndrew 6legg II:, ,[the 'eddler\ would then deli)er his sales 'itch on the history and future of "frican/"mericans% 4he tactic worked well, and e)entually he honed it to the 'oint that meetings of curious blacks were held in 'ri)ate homes% *ater, 'ublic halls were rented for his orations, and an organi(ational structure for his LHation of Islam+ began to take sha'e in the midst of 'o)erty/stricken Detroit%1 4he 'eddler had many names% &ometimes he called himself !r% 9arrad !ohammad, or !r% 9% !ohammad "li% 2ther times he referred to himself as 9red Dodd, rofessor 9ord, Aallace 9ord, A% D% 9ord, Aali 9arrad, Aardell 9ard, or A% D% 9ard% 7e had Bust as many origins% eo'le claimed he was a black Jamaican whose father was a &yrian !uslim% 2ne rumor maintained that he was a alestinian "rab who had fomented racial unrest in India, &outh "frica, and *ondon before mo)ing to Detroit% 4here was a story that he was the son of rich 'arents from the tribe of Qoreish, the ro'het !uhammad+s own tribe, while 9=I records stated that 9ard was born in either Hew Gealand or ortland, 2regon, to either 7awaiian or =ritish and olynesian 'arents% 2ne thing is clear: by 19EC, 9ard had established 4em'le Ho% 1 in Detroit% It was the back stairs of this tem'le that Desdemona found herself climbing% ,Ae sell the silks right from the tem'le,1 &ister Aanda e3'lained abo)e% ,!ake the clothes ourself according to !inister 9ard+s own designs% 9rom clothes our forefathers wore in "frica% ;sed to be we Bust ordered the fabric and sewed u' the clothes ourself% =ut with this De'ression, fabric getting harder and harder to come by% &o !inister 9ard he had one of his re)elations% 6ome to me one morning and said, LAe must own the means and ends of sericulture itself%+ 4hat how he talk% ?lo@uentD !an

9C

could talk a dog off a meat truck%1 6limbing, Desdemona was beginning to make sense of things% 4he fancy suits of the men outside% 4he redecoration within% &ister Aanda reached the landing<,In here our training class1<and threw o'en the door% Desdemona ste''ed u' and saw them% 4wenty/three teenage girls, in bright chadors and head scar)es, sewing clothes% 4hey didn+t so much as look u' from their labor as the &u'reme 6a'tain brought in the stranger% 7eads bent, mouths fanning straight 'ins, hem/co)ered o3fords working unseen treadles, they continued 'roduction% ,4his be our !uslim -irls 4raining and -eneral 6i)ili(ation 6lass% &ee how good and 'ro'er they areD Don+t say a word unless you do% LIslam+ means submission% Jou know thatD =ut getting back to why I run the ad% Ae running low on fabric% ?)erybody out of business seems like%1 &he led Desdemona across the room% " wooden bo3 full of dirt lay o'en% ,&o what we did was, we ordered these silkworms from a com'any% Jou know, mail orderD Ae got more on the way% roblem is, they don+t seem to like it here in Detroit% Don+t blame +em myself% 4hey kee' dying on us, and when they doD 2oowhee, what a stink> !y sweet Jes<, &he caught herself% ,Just an e3'ression% I was brought u' &anctified% *isten, what you say your name wasD1 ,Desdemona%1 ,*isten, Des, before I became &u'reme 6a'tain, I did hair and nails% Hot no farmer+s daughter, understandD 4his thumb look green to youD 7el' me out% Ahat do these silkworm fellas likeD 7ow we get them to, you know, silkifyD1 ,It hard work%1 ,Ae don+t mind%1 ,It take money%1 ,Ae got 'lenty%1 Desdemona 'icked u' a shri)eled worm, barely ali)e% &he cooed to it in -reek% ,*isten u' now, little sisters,1 &ister Aanda said, and, as one, the girls sto''ed sewing, crossed hands in la's, and looked u' attenti)ely% ,4his the new lady gonna teach us how to make silk% &he a mulatto like !inister 9ard and she gonna bring us back the knowledge of the lost art of our 'eo'le% &o we can do for ourself%1 4wenty/three 'airs of eyes fell on Desdemona% &he gathered courage% &he translated what she wanted to say into ?nglish and went o)er it twice before she s'oke% ,4o make good silk,1 she then 'ronounced, beginning her lessons to the !uslim -irls 4raining and -eneral 6i)ili(ation 6lass, ,you ha)e to be 'ure%1 ,Ae trying, Des% raise "llah% Ae trying%1

Tricknology
4hat was how my grandmother came to work for the Hation of Islam% *ike a cleaning lady working in -rosse ointe, she came and went by the back door% Instead of a hat, she wore a head scarf to conceal her irresistible ears% &he ne)er s'oke abo)e a whis'er% &he ne)er asked @uestions or com'lained% 7a)ing grown u' in a country ruled by others, she found it all familiar% 4he fe((es, the 'rayer rugs, the crescent moons: it was a little like going home% 9or the residents of =lack =ottom it was like tra)eling to another 'lanet% 4he tem'le+s front doors, in a sweet re)ersal of most "merican entrances, let blacks in and ke't whites out% 4he former 'aintings in the lobby<landsca'es aglow with !anifest

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Destiny, scenes of Indians being slaughtered<had been carted down to the basement% In their 'lace were de'ictions of "frican history: a 'rince and 'rincess strolling beside a crystal ri)er; a concla)e of black scholars debating in an outdoor forum% eo'le came to 4em'le Ho% 1 to hear 9ard+s lectures% 4hey also came to sho'% In the old cloakroom, &ister Aanda dis'layed the garments that the ro'het said were ,the same kind that the Hegro 'eo'le use in their home in the ?ast%1 &he ri''led the iridescent fabrics under the lights as con)erts ste''ed u' to 'ay% Aomen e3changed the maids+ uniforms of subser)ience for the white chadors of emanci'ation% !en re'laced the o)eralls of o''ression with the silk suits of dignity% 4he tem'le+s cash register o)erflowed% In lean times, the mos@ue was flush% 9ord was closing factories but, at E$05 7astings &treet, 9ard was o'en for business% Desdemona saw little of all this u' on the third floor% &he s'ent her mornings teaching in the classroom and her afternoons in the &ilk 0oom, where the uncut fabrics were stored% 2ne morning she brought in her silkworm bo3 for show/and/tell% &he 'assed the bo3 around, telling the story of its tra)els, how her grandfather had car)ed it from oli)ewood and how it had sur)i)ed a fire, and she managed to do all this without saying anything derogatory about the students+ co/religionists% In fact, the girls were so sweet and friendly that Desdemona remembered what it had been like in the times when the -reeks and 4urks used to get along% He)ertheless: black 'eo'le were still new to my yia yia % &he was shocked by )arious disco)eries: ,Inside the hands,1 she informed her husband, ,the ma,ros are white like us%1 2r: ,4he ma,ros don+t ha)e scars, only bum's%1 2r: ,Do you know how the ma,ro men sha)eD Aith a 'owder> I saw it in the store window%1 In the streets of =lack =ottom, Desdemona was a''alled at the way 'eo'le li)ed% ,Hobody swee's u'% -arbage on the 'orches and nobody swee's it% 4errible%1 =ut at the tem'le things were different% 4he men worked hard and didn+t drink% 4he girls were clean and modest% ,4his !r% 9ard is doing something right,1 she said at &unday dinner% , lease,1 &ourmelina dismissed this, ,we left )eils back in 4urkey%1 =ut Desdemona shook her head% ,4hese "merican girls could use a )eil or two%1 4he ro'het himself remained )eiled to Desdemona% 9ard was like a god: 'resent e)erywhere and )isible nowhere% 7is glow lingered in the eyes of 'eo'le lea)ing a lecture% 7e e3'ressed himself in the dietary laws, which fa)ored nati)e "frican foods< the yam, the cassa)a<and 'rohibited the consum'tion of swine% ?)ery so often Desdemona saw 9ard+s car<a brand/new 6hrysler cou'e<'arked in front of the tem'le% It always looked freshly washed and wa3ed, its chrome grille 'olished% =ut she ne)er saw 9ard at the wheel% ,7ow do you e3'ect to see him if he+s -odD1 *efty asked with amusement one night as they were going to bed% Desdemona lay smiling, as though tickled by her first week+s 'ay hidden under the mattress% ,I+ll ha)e to ha)e a )ision,1 she said% 7er first 'roBect at 4em'le Ho% 1 was to con)ert the outhouse into a cocoonery% 6alling u'on the 9ruit of Islam, as the military wing of the Hation was known, she stood by while the young men 'ulled out the wooden commode from the rickety shack% 4hey co)ered the cess'ool with dirt and remo)ed old 'inu' calendars from the walls, a)erting their eyes as they threw the offending material in the trash% 4hey installed shel)es and 'erforated the ceiling for )entilation% Des'ite their efforts, a bad smell lingered% ,Just wait,1 Desdemona told them% ,6om'ared to silkworms, this is nothing%1 ;'stairs, the !uslim -irls 4raining and -eneral 6i)ili(ation 6lass wo)e feeding

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trays% Desdemona tried to sa)e the initial batch of silkworms% &he ke't them warm under electric lightbulbs and sang -reek songs to them, but the silkworms weren+t fooled% 7atching from their black eggs, they detected the dry, indoor air and the false sun of the lightbulbs, and began to shri)el u'% ,-ot more on the way,1 &ister Aanda said, brushing off this setback% ,=e here directly%1 4he days 'assed% Desdemona became accustomed to the 'ale 'alms of Hegro hands% &he got used to using the back door and to not s'eaking until s'oken to% Ahen she wasn+t teaching the girls, she waited u'stairs in the &ilk 0oom% 4he &ilk 0oom: a descri'tion is in order% 8&o much ha''ened in that fifteen/by/twenty/foot s'ace: -od s'oke; my grandmother renounced her race; creation was e3'lained; and that+s Bust for starters%: It was a small, low/ceilinged room, with a cutting table at one end% =olts of silk leaned against the walls% 4he 'lushness e3tended floor to ceiling, like the inside of a Bewelry bo3% 9abric was getting harder to come by, but &ister Aanda had stock'iled @uite a bit% &ometimes the silks seemed to be dancing% &tirred by air currents of a mysterious origin, the fabrics fla''ed u' and floated around the room% Desdemona would ha)e to catch the cloth and roll it back u'% "nd one day, in the middle of a ghostly 'as de deu3<a green silk leading as Desdemona back'edaled<she heard a )oice% ,I A"& =20H IH 47? 72*J 6I4J 29 !?66", 2H 9?=0;"0J 1#, 15##%1 "t first she thought someone had come into the room% =ut when she turned, no one was there% ,!J 9"47?0 A"& "* 72H&2, "H ?=2HJ/7;?D !"H 29 47? 40I=? 29 &7"="GG% !J !247?0+& H"!? A"& ="=J -??% &7? A"& " 6";6"&I"H, " D?OI*%1 " whatD Desdemona couldn+t @uite hear% 2r determine the location of the )oice% It seemed to be coming from the floor now%,!J 9"47?0 !?4 7?0 IH 47? 7I**& 29 ?"&4 "&I"% 7? &"A 24?H4I"* IH 7?0% 7? *?D 7?0 IH 47? 0I-74?2;& A"J& ;H4I* &7? =?6"!? " 72*J !;&*I!%1 It wasn+t what the )oice was saying that intrigued Desdemona<she didn+t catch what it was saying% It was the sound of the )oice, a dee' bass that set her breastbone humming% &he let go of the dancing silk% &he lowered her kerchiefed head to listen% "nd when the )oice started u' again, she searched through bolts of silk for its source%,A7J DID !J 9"47?0 !"00J " 6";6"&I"H D?OI*D =?6";&? 7? QH?A 47"4 7I& &2H A"& D?&4IH?D 42 & 0?"D 47? A20D 42 47? *2&4 204I2H 29 47? 40I=? 29 &7"="GG%1 4hree, four, fi)e bolts, and there it was: a heating grate% "nd the )oice was louder now%,47?0?920?, 7? 9?*4 47"4 I, 7I& &2H, &72;*D 7"O? " &QIH 62*20 47"4 A2;*D "**2A !? 42 D?"* AI47 =247 A7I4? "HD =*"6Q ?2 *? J;&4*J "HD 0I-74?2;&*J% &2 I "! 7?0?, " !;*"442, *IQ? !;&" =?920? !?, A72 =02;-74 47? 62!!"HD!?H4& 42 47? J?A&%1 9rom the de'ths of the building the ro'het+s )oice rose% It began in the auditorium three floors below% It filtered down through the tra'door in the stage out of which, at the old tobacconist con)entions, the 0ondega girl used to 'o', clad in nothing but a cigar ribbon% 4he )oice re)erberated in the crawl s'ace that led to the wings, whereu'on it entered a heating )ent and circulated around the building, growing distorted and echoey, until it rushed hotly out the grate at which Desdemona now crouched%,!J ?D;6"4I2H, "& A?** "& 47? 02J"* =*22D 47"4 0;H& IH

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!J O?IH&, !I-74 7"O? *?D !? 42 &??Q " 2&I4I2H 29 2A?0% =;4 I 7?"0D !J ;H6*? A?? IH-, =0247?0&% I 7?"0D !J ;H6*? IH "!?0I6" A?? IH-%1 &he could make out a faint accent now% &he waited for more, but there was only silence% 9urnace smell blew into her face% &he bent lower, listening% =ut the ne3t )oice she heard was &ister Aanda+s on the landing: ,Joo/hoo> Des> Ae ready for you%1 "nd she tore herself away% !y grandmother was the only white 'erson who e)er heard A% D% 9ard sermoni(e, and she understood less than half of what he said% It was a result of the heating )ent+s bad acoustics, her own im'erfect ?nglish, and the fact that she ke't lifting her head to hear if anyone was coming% Desdemona knew that it was forbidden for her to listen to 9ard+s lectures% 4he last thing she wanted was to Beo'ardi(e her new Bob% =ut there was no other 'lace for her to go% ?)ery day, at one o+clock, the grate began to rumble% "t first she heard the noise of 'eo'le coming into the auditorium% 4his was followed by chanting% &he rolled e3tra bolts of silk in front of the grate to muffle the sound% &he mo)ed her chair to the far corner of the &ilk 0oom% =ut nothing hel'ed% , ?07" & J2; 0?6"**, IH 2;0 *"&4 *?64;0?, 72A I 42*D J2; "=2;4 47? D? 204"4I2H 29 47? !22HD1 ,Ho, I don+t,1 said Desdemona% ,&I]4J 40I**I2H J?"0& "-2 " -2D/&6I?H4I&4 D;- " 72*? 4702;-7 47? ?"047, 9I**?D I4 AI47 DJH"!I4? "HD =*?A 47? ?"047 IH 4A2% 47? &!"**?0 29 47?&? 4A2 I?6?& =?6"!? 47? !22H% D2 J2; 0?6"** 47"4D1 !y grandmother clam'ed her hands o)er her ears; on her face was a look of refusal% =ut through her li's a @uestion sli''ed out: ,&omebody blew u' the earthD AhoD1 ,42D"J I A"H4 42 4?** J2; "=2;4 "H247?0 -2D/&6I?H4I&4% "H ?OI* &6I?H4I&4% =J 47? H"!? 29 J"6;=%1 "nd now her fingers s'read a'art, letting the )oice reach her earsK ,J"6;= *IO?D ?I-74J/92;0 7;HD0?D J?"0& "-2 IH 47? 0?&?H4 4A?H4J/9IO?/472;&"HD/J?"0/6J6*? 29 7I&420J% 7? A"& 2&&?&&?D, 47I& J"6;=, 29 "H ;H;&;"**J *"0-? 60"HI;!% " &!"04 !"H% " =0I**I"H4 !"H% 2H? 29 47? 0??!IH?H4 &672*"0& 29 47? H"4I2H 29 I&*"!% 47I& A"& " !"H A72 DI&62O?0?D 47? &?60?4& 29 !"-H?4I&! A7?H 7? A"& 2H*J &I] J?"0& 2*D% 7? A"& *"JIHAI47 4A2 I?6?& 29 &4??* "HD 7? 7?*D 47?! 42-?47?0 "HD DI&62O?0?D 47"4 &6I?H4I9I6 920!;*": !"-H?4I&!%1 *ike a magnet itself, the )oice worked on Desdemona% How it was 'ulling her hands down to her sides% It was making her lean forward in her chairK ,=;4 J"6;= A"&H+4 62H4?H4 AI47 !"-H?4I&!% AI47 7I& *"0-? 60"HI;! 7? 7"D 247?0 -0?"4 ID?"&% "HD &2 2H? D"J J"6;= 472;-74 42 7I!&?*9 47"4 I9 7? 62;*D 60?"4? " 0"6? 29 ?2 *? 62! *?4?*J DI99?0?H4 902! 47? 20I-IH"* ?2 *?<-?H?4I6"**J DI99?0?H4<47"4 0"6? 62;*D 62!? 42 D2!IH"4? 47? =*"6Q H"4I2H 4702;-7 40I6QH2*2-J%1 K"nd when leaning wasn+t enough, she mo)ed closer% Aalking across the room, mo)ing silk bolts aside, she knelt down before the grate, as 9ard continued his

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e3'lanation:,?O?0J =*"6Q !"H I& !"D? 29 4A2 -?0!&: " =*"6Q -?0! "HD " =02AH -?0!% "HD &2 J"6;= 62HOIH6?D 9I94J/HIH? 472;&"HD HIH? 7;HD0?D "HD HIH?4J/HIH? !;&*I!& 42 ?!I-0"4? 42 47? I&*"HD 29 ?*"H% 47? I&*"HD 29 ?*"H I& IH 47? "?-?"H% J2; AI** 9IHD I4 42D"J 2H ?;02 ?"H !" &, ;HD?0 " 9"*&? H"!?% 42 47I& I&*"HD J"6;= =02;-74 7I& 9I94J/HIH? 472;&"HD HIH? 7;HD0?D "HD HIH?4J/HIH? !;&*I!&% "HD 47?0? 7? 62!!?H6?D 7I& -0"94IH-%1 &he could hear other things now% 9ard+s footste's as he 'aced the stage% 4he s@ueaking of chairs as his listeners bent forward, hanging on his e)ery word% ,IH 7I& *"=20"420I?& 2H ?*"H, J"6;= Q? 4 "** 20I-IH"* =*"6Q ?2 *? 902! 0? 02D;6IH-% I9 " =*"6Q A2!"H -"O? =I047 42 " 67I*D, 47"4 67I*D A"& QI**?D% J"6;= 2H*J *?4 =02AH ="=I?& *IO?% 7? 2H*J *?4 =02AH/&QIHH?D ?2 *? !"4?%1 ,4errible,1 Desdemona said, u' on the third floor% ,4errible, this Jacub 'erson%1 ,J2; 7"O? 7?"0D 29 47? D"0AIHI"H 47?20J 29 H"4;0"* &?*?64I2HD 47I& A"& ;HH"4;0"* &?*?64I2H% =J 7I& &6I?H4I9I6 -0"94IH- J"6;= 02D;6?D 47? 9I0&4 J?**2A "HD 0?D ?2 *?% =;4 7? DIDH+4 &42 47?0?% 7? A?H4 2H !"4IH- 47? *I-74/&QIHH?D 299& 0IH- 29 472&? ?2 *?% 2O?0 !"HJ, !"HJ J?"0& 7? -?H?4I6"**J 67"H-?D 47? =*"6Q !"H, 2H? -?H?0"4I2H "4 " 4I!?, !"QIH- 7I! "*?0 "HD A?"Q?0, DI*;4IH- 7I& 0I-74?2;&H?&& "HD !20"*I4J, 4;0HIH- 7I! IH42 47? "47& 29 ?OI*% "HD 47?H, !J =0247?0&, 2H? D"J J"6;= A"& D2H?% 2H? D"J J"6;= A"& 9IHI&7?D AI47 7I& A20Q% "HD A7"4 7"D 7I& AI6Q?DH?&& 60?"4?DD "& I 7"O? 42*D J2; =?920?: *IQ? 6"H 2H*J 62!? 902! *IQ?% J"6;= 7"D 60?"4?D 47? A7I4? !"H> =20H 29 *I?&% =20H 29 72!I6ID?% " 0"6? 29 =*;?/?J?D D?OI*&%1 2utside, the !uslim -irls 4raining and -eneral 6i)ili(ation 6lass installed silkworm trays% 4hey worked in silence, daydreaming of )arious things% 0uby James was thinking about how handsome John C] had looked that morning, and wondered if they would get married someday% Darlene Aood was beginning to get miffed because all the brothers had gotten rid of their sla)e names but !inister 9ard hadn+t gotten around to the girls yet, so here she was, still Darlene Aood% *ily 7ale was thinking almost entirely about the s'it curl hairdo she had hidden u' under her headscarf and how tonight she was going to stick her head out her bedroom window, 'retending to check the weather, so that *ubbock 4% 7ass ne3t door could see% =etty &mith was thinking, Praise #llah Praise #llah Praise #llah. !illie *ittle wanted gum% Ahile u'stairs, her face hot from the air rushing out of the )ent, Desdemona resisted this new twist in the story line% ,De)ilsD "ll white 'eo'leD1 &he snorted% &he got u' from the floor, dusting herself off% ,?nough% I+m not going to listen to this cra(y 'erson anymore% I work% 4hey 'ay me% 4hat+s it%1 =ut the ne3t morning, she was back at the tem'le% "t one o+clock the )oice began s'eaking, and again my grandmother 'aid attention: ,H2A *?4 ;& !"Q? " 7J&I2*2-I6"* 62! "0I&2H =?4A??H 47? A7I4? 0"6? "HD 47? 20I-IH"* ?2 *?% A7I4? =2H?&, "H"42!I6"**J & ?"QIH-, "0? !20? 90"-I*?% A7I4? =*22D I& 47IHH?0% A7I4?& 2&&?&& 02;-7*J 2H?/47I0D 47? 7J&I6"* &40?H-47 29 =*"6Q&%

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A72 6"H D?HJ 47I&D A7"4 D2?& 47? ?OID?H6? 29 J2;0 2AH ?J?& &;--?&4D1 Desdemona argued with the )oice% &he ridiculed 9ard+s 'ronouncements% =ut as the days 'assed, my grandmother found herself obediently s'reading out silk before the heating )ent to cushion her knees% &he knelt forward, 'utting her ear to the grate, her forehead nearly touching the floor% ,7e+s Bust a charlatan,1 she said% ,4aking e)eryone+s money%1 &till, she didn+t mo)e% In a moment, the heating system rumbled with the latest re)elations% Ahat was ha''ening to DesdemonaD Aas she, always so rece'ti)e to a dee' 'riestly )oice, coming under the influence of 9ard+s disembodied oneD 2r was she Bust, after ten years in the city, finally becoming a Detroiter, meaning that she saw e)erything in terms of black and whiteD 4here+s one last 'ossibility% 6ould it be that my grandmother+s sense of guilt, that sodden, malarial dread that swam'ed her insides almost seasonally<could this incurable )irus ha)e o'ened her u' to 9ard+s a''ealD lagued by a sense of sin, did she feel that 9ard+s accusations had weightD Did she take his racial denunciations 'ersonallyD 2ne night she asked *efty, ,Do you think anything is wrong with the childrenD1 ,Ho% 4hey+re fine%1 ,7ow do you knowD1 ,*ook at them%1 ,Ahat+s the matter with usD 7ow could we do what we didD1 ,Hothing+s the matter with us%1 ,Ho, *efty% Ae1<she started to cry<,we are not good 'eo'le%1 ,4he children are fine% Ae+re ha''y% 4hat+s all in the 'ast now%1 =ut Desdemona threw herself onto the bed% ,Ahy did I listen to youD1 she sobbed% ,Ahy didn+t I Bum' into the water like e)erybody else>1 !y grandfather tried to embrace her, but she shrugged him off% ,Don+t touch me>1 ,Des, 'lease K1 ,I wish I had died in the fire> I swear to you> I wish I had died in &myrna>1 &he began to watch her children closely% &o far, aside from one scare<at fi)e, !ilton had nearly died from a mastoid infection<they had both been healthy% Ahen they cut themsel)es, their blood congealed% !ilton got good marks at school, GoF abo)e a)erage% =ut Desdemona wasn+t reassured by any of this% &he ke't waiting for something to ha''en, some disease, some abnormality, fearing that the 'unishment for her crime was going to be taken out in the most de)astating way 'ossible: not on her own soul but in the bodies of her children% I can feel how the house changed in the months leading to 19EE% " coldness 'assing through its root/beer/colored bricks, in)ading its rooms and blowing out the )igil light burning in the hall% " cold wind that fluttered the 'ages of Desdemona+s dream book, which she consulted for inter'retations to increasingly nightmarish dreams% Dreams of the germs of infants bubbling, di)iding% 2f hideous creatures growing u' from 'ale foam% How she a)oided all lo)emaking, e)en in the summer, e)en after three glasses of wine on somebody+s name day% "fter a while, *efty sto''ed 'ersisting% !y grand'arents, once so inse'arable, had drifted a'art% Ahen Desdemona went off to 4em'le Ho% 1 in the morning, *efty was aslee', ha)ing ke't the s'eakeasy o'en all night% 7e disa''eared into the basement before she returned home% 9ollowing this cold wind, which ke't blowing through the Indian summer of

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19EC, I sail down the basement stairs to find my grandfather, one morning, counting money% &hut out of his wife+s affections, *efty &te'hanides concentrated on work% 7is business, howe)er, had gone through some changes% 0es'onding to the fall/off in customers at the s'eakeasy, my grandfather had di)ersified% It is a 4uesday, Bust 'ast eight o+clock% Desdemona has left for work% "nd in the front window, a hand is remo)ing the icon of &t% -eorge from )iew% "t the curb, an old Daimler 'ulls u'% *efty hurries outside and gets into the backseat% !y grandfather+s new business associates: in the front seat sits !abel 0eese, twenty/si3 years old, from Qentucky, face rouged, hair gi)ing off a burnt smell from the morning+s curling iron% ,=ack in aducah,1 she is telling the dri)er, ,there+s this deaf man who+s got a camera% 7e Bust goes u' and down the ri)er, taking 'ictures% 7e takes the darndest things%1 ,&o do I,1 res'onds the dri)er% ,=ut mine make money%1 !aurice lantagenet, his Qodak bo3 camera sitting in the backseat beside *efty, smiles at !abel and dri)es out Jefferson ")enue% lantagenet has found these 're/A " years inimical to his artistic inclinations% "s they head toward =elle Isle he deli)ers a dis@uisition on the history of 'hotogra'hy, how HicI'hore Hie'ce in)ented it, and how Daguerre got all the credit% 7e describes the first 'hotogra'h e)er taken of a human being, a aris street scene done with an e3'osure so long that none of the fast/mo)ing 'edestrians showed u' e3ce't for a lone figure who had sto''ed to get his shoes shined% ,I want to get in the history books myself% =ut I don+t think this is the right route, e3actly%1 2n =elle Isle, lantagenet 'ilots the Daimler along 6entral ")enue% Instead of heading toward 4he &trand, howe)er, he takes a small turnoff down a dirt road that dead/ends% 7e 'arks and they all get out% lantagenet sets u' his camera in fa)orable light, while *efty attends to the automobile% Aith his handkerchief he 'olishes the s'oked hubca's and the headlam's; he kicks mud off the running board, cleans the windows and windshield% lantagenet says, ,4he maestro is ready%1 !abel 0eese takes off her coat% ;nderneath she is wearing only a corset and garter belt% ,Ahere do you want meD1 ,&tretch out o)er the hood%1 ,*ike thisD1 ,Jeah% -ood% 9ace against the hood% How s'read your legs Bust a bit%1 ,*ike thisD1 ,Jeah% How turn your head and look back at the camera% 2kay, smile% *ike I+m your boyfriend%1 4hat was how it went e)ery week% lantagenet took the 'hotogra'hs% !y grandfather 'ro)ided the models% 4he girls weren+t hard to find% 4hey came into the s'eakeasy e)ery night% 4hey needed money like e)erybody else% lantagenet sold the 'hotos to a distributor downtown and ga)e *efty a 'ercentage of the take% 4he formula was straightforward: women in lingerie lounging in cars% 4he scantily dressed girls curled u' in the backseat, or bared breasts in the front, or fi3ed flat tires, bending way o)er% ;sually there was one girl, but sometimes there were two% lantagenet teased out all the harmonies, between a buttock+s cur)e and a fender+s, between corset and u'holstery 'leats, between garter belts and fan belts% It was my grandfather+s idea% 0emembering his father+s old hidden treasure, ,&ermin, -irl of the leasure Dome,1 he+d had a )ision for u'dating an old ideal% 4he days of the harem were o)er% =ring on the era of the backseat> "utomobiles were the new 'leasure domes% 4hey turned the common man into a sultan of the o'en road% lantagenet+s 'hotogra'hs suggested

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'icnics in out/of/the/way 'laces% 4he girls na''ed on running boards, or di''ed to get a tire iron out of the trunk% In the middle of the De'ression, when 'eo'le had no money for food, men found money for lantagenet+s auto/erotica% 4he 'hotogra'hs 'ro)ided *efty with a steady side income% 7e began to sa)e money, in fact, which later brought about his ne3t o''ortunity% ?)ery now and then at flea markets, or in the occasional 'hotogra'hy book, I come across one of lantagenet+s old 'ictures, usually erroneously ascribed to the twenties because of the Daimler% &old during the De'ression for a nickel, they now fetch u'ward of si3 hundred dollars% lantagenet+s ,artistic1 work has all been forgotten, but his erotic studies of women and automobiles remain 'o'ular% 7e got into the history books on his day off, when he thought he was com'romising himself% -oing through the bins, I look at his women, their engineered hosiery, their une)en smiles% I ga(e into those faces my grandfather ga(ed into, years ago, and I ask myself: Ahy did *efty sto' searching for his sister+s face and start searching for others, for blondes with thin li's, for gun molls with 'ro)ocati)e rum'sD Aas his interest in these models merely 'ecuniaryD Did the cold wind blowing through the house lead him to seek warmth in other 'lacesD 2r had guilt begun to infect him, too, so that to distract himself from the thing he+d done he ended u' with these !abels and *ucies and DoloresesD ;nable to answer these @uestions, I return now to 4em'le Ho% 1, where new con)erts are consulting com'asses% 4ear/sha'ed, white with black numbers, the com'asses ha)e a drawing of the Qaaba stone at the center% &till ha(y about the actual re@uirements of their new faith, these men 'ray at no 'rescribed times% =ut at least they+)e got these com'asses, bought from the same good sister who sells the clothes% 4he men re)ol)e, one ste' at a time, until com'ass needles 'oint to E$, the number coding for Detroit% 4hey consult the rim+s arrow to determine the direction of !ecca% ,*?4 ;& !2O? H2A 42 60"HI2!?40J% A7"4 I& 60"HI2!?40JD I4 I& 47? &6I?H4I9I6 !?"&;0?!?H4 29 47? =0"IH, 29 A7"4 I& 6"**?D =J 47? !?DI6"* 62!!;HI4J W*&P;2;-0"J !"44?0%W0&P;2; 47? =0"IH 29 47? "O?0"-? A7I4? !"H A?I-7& &I] 2;H6?&% 47? =0"IH 29 47? "O?0"-? =*"6Q !"H A?I-7& &?O?H 2;H6?& "HD 2H? 7"*9%19ard lacks the fire of a =a'tist 'reacher, the dee'/gut oratory, but to his audience of disaffected 6hristians 8and one 2rthodo3 belie)er: this turns out to be an ad)antage% 4hey+re tired of the holy/rolling, the shouting and brow/mo''ing, the ras'y breathing% 4hey+re tired of sla)e religion, by which the Ahite !an con)inces the =lack that ser)itude is holy% ,=;4 47?0? I& 2H? 47IH- "4 A7I67 47? A7I4? 0"6? ?]6?**?D 47? 20I-IH"* ?2 *?% =J D?&4IHJ, "HD =J 47?I0 2AH -?H?4I6 02-0"!!IH-, 47? A7I4? 0"6? ?]6?**?D "4 40I6QH2*2-J% D2 I 7"O? 42 4?** J2; 47I&D 47I& I& A7"4 J2; "*0?"DJ QH2A% 4702;-7 40I6QH2*2-J 47? ?;02 ?"H& =02;-74 47? 20I-IH"* ?2 *? 902! !?66" "HD 247?0 "04& 29 ?"&4 "&I"% IH 1... " &*"O? 40"D?0 H"!?D J27H 7"AQIH& =02;-74 47? 9I0&4 !?!=?0& 29 47? 40I=? 29 &7"="GG 42 47? &720?& 29 47I& 62;H40J% 1...% 47? H"!? 29 47? &7I D JE"<" % 47I& I& IH 47? 7I&420J =22Q&% J2; 6"H -2 42 47? D?402I4 ;=*I6 *I=0"0J "HD *22Q 47I& ; % ,A7"4 7" ?H?D 42 47? 9I0&4 -?H?0"4I2H 29 20I-IH"* ?2 *? IH "!?0I6"D 47? A7I4? !"H !;0D?0?D 47?!% 4702;-7 40I6QH2*2-J% 7? !;0D?0?D 47?! &2 47"4 47?I0 67I*D0?H A2;*D

100

-02A ; AI47 H2 QH2A*?D-? 29 47?I0 2AH ?2 *?, 29 A7?0? 47?J 6"!? 902!% 47? D?&6?HD"H4& 29 472&? 67I*D0?H, 47? D?&6?HD"H4& 29 472&? 220 20 7"H&<47"4 I& A72 J2; "0?% J2; 7?0? IH 47I& 022!% "HD "** 47? &2/6"**?D H?-02?& IH 47? -7?442& 29 "!?0I6"% I 7"O? 62!? 7?0? 42 4?** J2; A72 J2; "0?% J2; "0? 47? *2&4 !?!=?0& 29 47? 40I=? 29 &7"="GG%1 "nd riding through =lack =ottom didn+t hel'% Desdemona reali(ed now why there was so much trash in the streets: the city didn+t 'ick it u'% Ahite landlords let their a'artment buildings fall into disre'air while they continued to raise the rents% 2ne day Desdemona saw a white sho' clerk refuse to take change from a Hegro customer% ,Just lea)e it on the counter,1 she said% 1idn+t want to touch the lady+s hand' "nd in those guilt/ridden days, her mind crammed with 9ard+s theories, my grandmother started to see his 'oint% 4here were blue< eyed de)ils all o)er town% 4he -reeks had an old saying, too: ,0ed beard and blue eyes 'ortend the De)il%1 !y grandmother+s eyes were brown, but that didn+t make her feel any better% If anybody was a de)il it was her% 4here was nothing she could do to change the way things were% =ut she could make sure that it didn+t ha''en again% &he went to see Dr% hilobosian% ,4hat+s a )ery e3treme measure, Desdemona,1 the doctor told her% ,I want to make sure%1 ,=ut you+re still a young woman%1 ,Ho, Dr% hil, I+m not,1 my grandmother said in a weary )oice% ,I+m eighty/four hundred years old%1 2n Ho)ember C1, 19EC, the 1etroit !imes ran the following headline: ,"ltar &cene of 7uman &acrifice%1 4he story followed: ,2ne hundred followers of a negro cult leader, who is held for human sacrifice on a crude altar in his home, were being rounded u' today by 'olice for @uestioning% 4he self/styled king of the 2rder of Islam is 0obert 7arris, $$, of 1$C9 Dubois ")e% 4he )ictim, whom he admits bludgeoning with a car a3le and stabbing with a sil)er knife through the heart, was James J% &mith, $0, negro roomer in the 7arris home%1 4his 7arris, who came to be known as the ,)oodoo slayer,1 had hung around 4em'le Ho% 1% Just 'ossibly, he had read 9ard+s ,*ost 9ound !uslim *essons Ho% 1 and C,1 including the 'assage:,"** !;&*I!& AI** !;0D?0 47? D?OI* =?6";&? 47?J QH2A 7? I& " &H"Q? "HD "*&2 I9 7? =? "**2A?D 42 *IO?, 7? A2;*D &4IH- &2!?2H? ?*&?%1 7arris had then founded his own order% 7e had gone looking for a 8white: de)il but, finding one hard to come by in his neighborhood, had settled for a de)il closer at hand% 4hree days later, 9ard was arrested% ;nder interrogation, he insisted that he had ne)er commanded anyone to sacrifice a human being% 7e claimed that he was the ,su'reme being on earth%1 8"t least, that was what he said during his first interrogation% 4he second time he was arrested, months later, he ,admitted,1 according to the 'olice, that the Hation of Islam was nothing but ,a racket%1 7e had in)ented the 'ro'hecies and the cosmologies ,to get all the money he could%1: Ahate)er the truth of the matter, the u'shot was this: in e3change for ha)ing the charges dro''ed, 9ard agreed to lea)e Detroit once and for all% "nd so we come to !ay 19EE% "nd to Desdemona, saying goodbye to the !uslim -irls 4raining and -eneral 6i)ili(ation 6lass% 7ead scar)es frame faces streaked with tears% 4he girls file by, kissing Desdemona on both cheeks% 8!y grandmother will miss the girls% &he has grown )ery fond of them%: ,!y mother used to tell me in bad times silkworms no can s'in,1 she says% ,!ake bad silk% !ake bad

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cocoons%1 4he girls acce't this truth and e3amine the newly hatched worms for signs of des'air% In the &ilk 0oom, all the shel)es are em'ty% 9ard !uhammad has transferred 'ower to a new leader% =rother Qarriem, the former ?liBah oole, is now ?liBah !uhammad, &u'reme !inister of the Hation of Islam% ?liBah !uhammad has a different )ision for the Hation+s economic future% 9rom now on, it will be real estate, not clothing% "nd now Desdemona is descending the stairs on her way out% &he reaches the first floor and turns to look back at the lobby% 9or the first time e)er, the 9ruit of Islam do not guard the lobby entrance% 4he dra'es hang o'en% Desdemona knows she should kee' going out the back door, but she has nothing to lose now, and so )entures toward the front% &he a''roaches the double doors and 'ushes her way into the sanctum sanctorum% 9or the first fifteen seconds, she stands still, as her idea of the room switches 'laces with reality% &he had imagined a soaring dome, a richly colored ?(ine car'et, but the room is Bust a sim'le auditorium% " small stage at one end, folding chairs stacked along the walls% &he absorbs all this @uietly% "nd then, once more, there is a )oice: ,7ello, Desdemona%1 2n the em'ty stage, the ro'het, the !ahdi, 9ard !uhammad, stands behind the 'odium% 7e is barely more than a silhouette, slender and elegant, wearing a fedora that shadows his face% ,Jou+re not su''osed to be in here,1 he says% ,=ut I guess today it+s all right%1 Desdemona, her heart in her throat, manages to ask, ,7ow you know my nameD1 ,7a)en+t you heardD I know e)erything%1 6oming through the heating )ent, 9ard !uhammad+s dee' )oice had made her solar 'le3us )ibrate% How, closer u', it 'enetrates her entire body% 4he rumble s'reads down her arms until her fingers are tingling% ,7ow+s *eftyD1 4his @uestion rocks Desdemona back on her heels% &he is s'eechless% &he is thinking many things at once, first of all, how can 9ard know her husband+s name, did she tell &ister AandaD K and, second, if it+s true he knows e)erything, then the rest must be true, too, about the blue/eyed de)ils and the e)il scientist and the !other lane from Ja'an that will come to destroy the world and take the !uslims away% Dread sei(es her, while at the same time she is remembering something, asking where she has heard that )oice beforeK How 9ard !uhammad ste's from behind the 'odium% 7e crosses the stage and descends to the main floor% 7e a''roaches Desdemona while continuing to dis'lay his omniscience% ,&till running the s'eakeasyD 4hose days are numbered% *efty better find something else to do%1 9edora tilted to one side, suit neatly buttoned, face in shadow, the !ahdi a''roaches her% &he wants to flee but cannot% ,"nd how are the childrenD1 9ard asks% ,!ilton must be what now, eightD1 7e is only ten feet away% "s Desdemona+s heart madly thum's, 9ard !uhammad remo)es his hat to re)eal his face% "nd the ro'het smiles% &urely you+)e guessed by now% 4hat+s right: Jimmy Gi(mo% %Mana'( ,7ello, Desdemona%1 ,Jou>1

10C

,Aho elseD1 &he stares, wide/eyed% ,Ae thought you died, Jimmy> In the car% In the lake%1 ,Jimmy did%1 ,=ut you are Jimmy%1 7a)ing said this, Desdemona becomes aware of the re'ercussions and begins to scold% ,Ahy you lea)e your wife and childD Ahat+s the matter with youD1 ,!y only res'onsibility is to my 'eo'le%1 ,Ahat 'eo'leD 4he ma,ros D1 ,4he 2riginal eo'le%1 &he cannot tell if he is serious or not% ,Ahy you don+t like white 'eo'leD Ahy you call them de)ilsD1 ,*ook at the e)idence% 4his city% 4his country% Don+t you agreeD1 ,?)ery 'lace has de)ils%1 ,4hat house on 7urlbut, es'ecially%1 4here is a 'ause, after which Desdemona cautiously asks, ,7ow you meanD1 9ard, or Gi(mo, is smiling again% ,!uch that is hidden has been re)ealed to me%1 ,Ahat is hiddenD1 ,!y so/called wife &ourmelina is a woman of, let us say, unnatural a''etites% "nd you and *eftyD Do you think you fooled meD1 , lease, Jimmy%1 ,Don+t call me that% 4hat isn+t my name%1 ,Ahat you meanD Jou are my brother/in/law%1 ,Jou don+t know me>1 he shouts% ,Jou ne)er knew me>1 4hen, com'osing himself: ,Jou ne)er knew who I was or where I came from%1 Aith that, the !ahdi walks 'ast my grandmother, through the lobby and double doors, and out of our li)es% 4his last 'art Desdemona didn+t see% =ut it+s well documented% 9irst, 9ard !uhammad shook hands with the 9ruit of Islam% 4he young men fought back tears as he said farewell% 7e then mo)ed through the crowd outside 4em'le Ho% 1 to his 6hrysler cou'e 'arked at the curb% 7e ste''ed u' on the running board% "fterward, e)ery single 'erson would insist that the !ahdi had maintained 'ersonal eye contact the entire time% Aomen were o'enly wee'ing now, 'leading for him not to go% 9ard !uhammad remo)ed his hat and held it to his chest% 7e looked down kindly and said, ,Don+t worry% I am with you%1 7e raised the hat in a gesture that took in the entire neighborhood, the ghetto with its shantytown 'orches, un'a)ed streets, and disconsolate laundry% ,I will be back to you in the near future to lead you out of this hell%1 4hen 9ard !uhammad got into the 6hrysler, turned the ignition, and with a final, reassuring smile, motored away% 9ard !uhammad was ne)er seen again in Detroit% 7e went into occultation like the 4welfth Imam of the &hiites% 2ne re'ort 'laces him on an ocean liner bound for *ondon in 19E$% "ccording to the 6hicago news'a'ers in 19.9, A% D% 9ard was a ,4urkish/born Ha(i agent1 and ended u' working for 7itler in Aorld Aar II% " cons'iracy theory holds that the 'olice or the 9=I were in)ol)ed in his death% It+s anybody+s guess% 9ard !uhammad, my maternal grandfather, returned to the nowhere from which he+d come% "s for Desdemona, her meeting with 9ard may ha)e contributed to the drastic decision she made around the same time% Hot long after the ro'het+s disa''earance, my grandmother underwent a fairly no)el medical 'rocedure% " surgeon made two incisions below her na)el% &tretching o'en the tissue and muscle to e3'ose the circuitry of the fallo'ian tubes, he tied each in a bow, and there were no more children%

10E

-larinet Serenade
Ae had our date% I 'icked Julie u' at her studio in Qreu(berg% I wanted to see her work, but she wouldn+t let me% "nd so we went to dinner at a 'lace called "ustria% "ustria is like a hunting lodge% 4he walls are co)ered with mounted deer horns, maybe fifty or si3ty sets% 4hese horns look comically small, as though they come from animals you could kill with your bare hands% 4he restaurant is dark, warm, woody, and comfortable% "nybody who wouldn+t like it is someone I wouldn+t like% Julie liked it% ,&ince you won+t show me your work,1 I said as we sat down, ,can you at least tell me what it isD1 , hotogra'hy%1 ,Jou 'robably don+t want to tell me of what%1 ,*et+s ha)e a drink first%1 Julie Qikuchi is thirty/si3% &he looks twenty/si3% &he is short without being small% &he is irre)erent without being crude% &he used to see a thera'ist but sto''ed% 7er right hand is 'artly arthritic, from an ele)ator accident% 4his makes it 'ainful to hold a camera for a long 'eriod% ,I need an assistant,1 she told me% ,2r a new hand%1 7er fingernails are not 'articularly clean% In fact they are the dirtiest fingernails I ha)e e)er seen on such a lo)ely, wonderful/smelling 'erson% =reasts ha)e the same effect on me as on anyone with my testosterone le)el% I translated the menu for Julie and we ordered% 2ut came the 'latters of boiled beef, the bowls of gra)y and red cabbage, the knNdels as big as softballs% Ae talked about =erlin and the differences between ?uro'ean countries% Julie told me a =arcelona story of getting locked in the ar@ue -Mell with her boyfriend after )isiting hours% 7ere it comes, I thought% 4he first e3/boyfriend had been summoned% &oon the rest would follow% 4hey would file around the table, 'resenting their deficiencies, telling of their addictions, their cheating hearts% "fter that, I would be called on to 'resent my own ragged gallery% "nd here is where my first dates generally go wrong% I lack sufficient data% I don+t ha)e it in @uite the bulk a man of my years should ha)e% Aomen sense this and a strange, @uestioning look comes into their eyes% "nd already I am retreating from them, before dessert has been ser)edK =ut that didn+t ha''en with Julie% 4he boyfriend 'o''ed u' in =arcelona and then was gone% Hone followed% 4his was surely not because there weren+t any% 4his was because Julie isn+t husband/hunting% &o she didn+t ha)e to inter)iew me for the Bob% I like Julie Qikuchi% I like her a lot% "nd so I ha)e my usual @uestions% Ahat does she want fromD 7ow would she react ifD &hould I tell her thatD Ho% 4oo soon% Ae ha)en+t e)en kissed% "nd right now, I+)e got another romance to concentrate on%

***
Ae o'en on a summer e)ening in 19$$% 4heodora Gi(mo, whom e)eryone now

10$

calls 4essie, is 'ainting her toenails% &he sits on a daybed at the 2+4oole =oardinghouse, her feet 'ro''ed u' on a 'illow, a 'illow of cotton between each toe% 4he room is full of wilting flowers and her mother+s )arious messes: lidless cosmetics, discarded hose, 4heoso'hy books, and a bo3 of chocolates, also lidless, full of em'ty 'a'er wra''ings and a few tooth/scarred, reBected creams% 2)er where 4essie is, it+s neater% ens and 'encils stand u'right in cu's% =etween brass bookends, each a miniature bust of &hakes'eare, are the no)els she collects at yard sales% 4essie Gi(mo+s twenty/year/old feet: si(e four and a half, 'ale, blue/)eined, the red toenails fanning out like suns on a 'eacock+s tail% &he e3amines them sternly, going down the line, Bust as a gnat, attracted by the lotion 'erfuming her legs, lands on her big toenail and gets stuck% ,2h, shoot,1 4essie says% ,Darn bugs%1 &he sets to work again, 'icking the gnat off, rea''lying 'olish% 2n this e)ening in the middle of Aorld Aar II, a serenade is about to begin% It+s minutes away% If you listen closely you can hear a window scra'ing o'en, a fresh reed being inserted into a woodwind+s mouth'iece% 4he music which started e)erything and on which, you could say, my entire e3istence de'ended, is on its way% =ut before the tune launches into full )olume, let me fill you in on what has ha''ened these last ele)en years% rohibition has ended, for one thing% In 19EE, by ratification of all the states, the 4wenty/first "mendment re'ealed the ?ighteenth% "t the "merican *egion 6on)ention in Detroit, Julius &troh remo)ed the bung from a -ilded Qeg of &troh+s =ohemian beer% resident 0oose)elt was 'hotogra'hed si''ing a cocktail at the Ahite 7ouse% "nd on 7urlbut &treet, my grandfather, *efty &te'hanides, took down the (ebra skin, dismantled his underground s'eakeasy, and emerged once again into the u''er atmos'here% Aith the money he+d sa)ed from the auto/erotica, he 'ut a down 'ayment on a building on ingree &treet, Bust off Aest -rand =oule)ard% 4he abo)e/ground Gebra 0oom was a bar W grill, set in the middle of a busy commercial stri'% 4he neighboring businesses were still there when I was a kid% I can dimly remember them: "% "% *aurie+s o'tometrist+s sho' with its neon sign in the sha'e of a 'air of eyeglasses; Hew Jorker 6lothes, in whose front window I saw my first naked manne@uins, dancing a murderous tango% 4hen there was Oalue !eats, 7agermoser+s 9resh 9ish, and the 9ine/6ut =arber &ho'% 2n the corner was our 'lace, a narrow single/story building with a wooden (ebra+s head 'roBecting o)er the sidewalk% "t night, blinking red neon outlined the mu((le, neck, and ears% 4he clientele were mainly auto workers% 4hey came in after their shifts% 4hey came in, @uite often, $efore their shifts% *efty o'ened the bar at eight in the morning, and by eight/thirty the barstools were filled with men dulling themsel)es before re'orting to work% "s he filled their shells with beer, *efty learned what was going on in the city outside% In 19E. his 'atrons had celebrated the forming of the ;nited "uto Aorkers% 4wo years later, they cursed the armed guards from 9ord who had beat u' their leader, Aalter 0euther, in the ,=attle of the 2)er'ass%1 !y grandfather took no sides in these discussions% 7is Bob was to listen, nod, refill, smile% 7e said nothing in 19$E when talk at the bar turned ugly% 2n a &unday in "ugust, fistfights had broken out between blacks and whites on =elle Isle% ,&ome nigger ra'ed a white woman,1 one customer said% ,How all those niggers are going to 'ay% Jou wait and see%1 =y !onday morning a race riot was under way% =ut when a grou' of men came in, boasting of ha)ing beaten a Hegro to death, my grandfather refused to ser)e them%

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,Ahy don+t you go back to your own countryD1 one of them shouted% ,4his is my country,1 *efty said, and to 'ro)e it, he did a )ery "merican thing: he reached under the counter and 'roduced a 'istol% 4hese conflicts lie in the 'ast now<as 4essie 'aints her toenails<o)ershadowed by a much bigger conflict% "ll o)er Detroit in 19$$, automobile factories ha)e been retooled% "t Aillow 0un, =/.Cs roll off the assembly line instead of 9ord sedans% 2)er at 6hrysler, they+re making tanks% 4he industrialists ha)e finally found a cure for the stalled economy: war% 4he !otor 6ity, which hasn+t been dubbed !otown yet, becomes for a time the ,"rsenal of Democracy%1 "nd in the boardinghouse on 6adillac =oule)ard, 4essie Gi(mo 'aints her toenails and hears the sound of a clarinet% "rtie &haw+s big hit ,=egin the =eguine1 floats on the humid air% It free(es s@uirrels on tele'hone lines, who cock their heads alertly to listen% It rustles the lea)es of a''le trees and sets a rooster on a weather )ane s'inning% Aith its fast beat and swirling melody, ,=egin the =eguine1 rises o)er the )ictory gardens and the lawn furniture, the bramble/choked fences and 'orch swings; it ho's the fence into the backyard of the 2+4oole =oardinghouse, ste''ing around the mostly male tenants+ recreational acti)ities<a lawn/bowling swath, some forgotten cro@uet mallets<and then the song climbs the ragged i)y along the brick facing, 'ast windows where bachelors snoo(e, scratch their beards, or, in the case of !r% Daneliko), formulate chess 'roblems; u' and u' it soars, "rtie &haw+s best and most belo)ed recording from back in +E9, which you can still hear 'laying from radios all o)er the city, music so fresh and li)ely it seems to ensure the 'urity of the "merican cause and the "llies+ e)entual trium'h; but now here it is, finally, coming through 4heodora+s window, as she fans her toes to dry them% "nd, hearing it, my mother turns toward the window and smiles% 4he source of the music was none other than a =rylcreemed 2r'heus who li)ed directly behind her% !ilton &te'hanides, a twenty/year/old college student, stood at his own bedroom window, de3terously fingering his clarinet% 7e was wearing a =oy &cout uniform% 6hin lifted, elbows out, right knee kee'ing time within khaki trousers, he unleashed his lo)e song on the summer day, 'laying with an ardor that had burned out com'letely by the time I found that fu((/clogged woodwind in our attic twenty/fi)e years later% !ilton had been third clarinet in the &outheastern 7igh &chool orchestra% 9or school concerts he had to 'lay &chubert, =eetho)en, and !o(art, but now that he had graduated, he was free to 'lay whate)er he liked, which was swing% 7e styled himself after "rtie &haw% 7e co'ied &haw+s e3uberant, off/balance stance, as if being blown backward by the force of his own 'laying% How, at the window, he flourished his stick with &haw+s 'recise, calligra'hic di's and circles% 7e looked along the length of the shining black instrument, sighting on the house two backyards away, and es'ecially on the 'ale, timid, e3cited face at the third/floor window% 4ree branches and tele'hone lines obscured his )iew, but he could make out the long dark hair that shone like his clarinet itself% &he didn+t wa)e% &he made no sign<other than smile<that she heard him at all% In neighboring yards 'eo'le continued what they were doing, obli)ious to the serenade% 4hey watered lawns or filled bird feeders; young kids chased butterflies% Ahen !ilton got to the end of the song, he lowered his instrument and leaned out the window, grinning% 4hen he started again, from the beginning% Downstairs, entertaining com'any, Desdemona heard her son+s clarinet and, as if orchestrating a harmony, let out a long sigh% 9or the last forty/fi)e minutes -us and -eorgia Oasilakis and their daughter -aia had been sitting in the li)ing room% It was

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&unday afternoon% 2n the coffee table a dish of rose Belly reflected light from the s'arkling glasses of wine the adults were drinking% -aia nursed a glass of lukewarm Oernor+s ginger ale% "n o'en tin of butter cookies sat on the table% ,Ahat do you think about that, -aiaD1 her father teased her% ,!ilton+s got flat feet% Does that sour the deal for youD1 ,Daddeee,1 said -aia, embarrassed% ,=etter to ha)e flat feet than to be knocked off your feet fore)er,1 said *efty% ,4hat+s right,1 agreed -eorgia Oasilakis% ,Jou+re lucky they wouldn+t take !ilton% I don+t think it+s any kind of dishonor at all% I don+t know what I+d do if I had to send a son off to war%1 ?)ery so often during this con)ersation, Desdemona had 'atted -aia Oasilakis on the knee and said, ,!iltie he is coming% &oon%1 &he had been saying it since her guests arri)ed% &he had been saying it e)ery &unday for the 'ast month and a half, and not only to -aia Oasilakis% &he had said it to Jeanie Diamond, whose 'arents had brought her last &unday, and she had said it to Oicky *ogathetis, who+d come the week before that% Desdemona had Bust turned forty/three and, in the manner of women of her generation, she was 'ractically an old woman% -ray had infiltrated her hair% &he+d begun to wear rimless gold eyeglasses that magnified her eyes, making her look e)en more 'er'etually dismayed than she already was% 7er tendency to worry 8which the swing music u'stairs had aggra)ated of late: had brought back her heart 'al'itations% 4hey were a daily occurrence with her now% Aithin the surround of this worrying, howe)er, Desdemona remained a bundle of acti)ity, always cooking, cleaning, doting on her children and the children of others, always shrieking at the to' of her lungs, full of noise and life% Des'ite my grandmother+s correcti)e lenses, the world remained out of focus% Desdemona didn+t understand what the fighting was all about% "t &myrna the Ja'anese had been the only country to send shi's to rescue refugees% !y grandmother maintained a lifelong sense of gratitude% Ahen 'eo'le brought u' the sneak attack on earl 7arbor, she said, ,Don+t tell me about an island in the middle of the ocean% 4his country isn+t big enough they ha)e to ha)e all the islands, tooD1 4he &tatue of *iberty+s gender changed nothing% It was the same here as e)erywhere: men and their wars% 9ortunately, !ilton had been turned down by the "rmy% Instead of going off to war he was going to night school and hel'ing out at the bar during the day% 4he only uniform he wore was that of the =oy &couts, where he was a troo' leader% ?)ery so often he took his scouts cam'ing u' north% "fter fi)e more minutes, when !ilton still had not materiali(ed, Desdemona e3cused herself and climbed the stairs% &he sto''ed outside !ilton+s bedroom, frowning at the music coming from inside% 4hen, without knocking, she entered% In front of the window, clarinet erect, !ilton 'layed on, obli)ious% 7is hi's swayed in an indecent fashion and his li's glistened as brightly as his hair% Desdemona marched across the room and slammed the window shut% ,6ome, !iltie,1 she commanded% ,-aia is downstairs%1 ,I+m 'racticing%1 , ractice later%1 &he was s@uinting out the window at the 2+4oole =oardinghouse across the yard% "t the third/floor window she thought she saw a head duck down, but she couldn+t be sure% ,Ahy you always 'lay by the windowD1

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,I get hot%1 Desdemona was alarmed% ,7ow you mean hotD1 ,9rom 'laying%1 &he snorted% ,6ome% -aia brought you cookies%1 9or some time now my grandmother had sus'ected the growing intimacy between !ilton and 4essie% &he noted the attention !ilton 'aid to 4essie whene)er 4essie came o)er for dinner with &ourmelina% -rowing u', GoF had always been 4essie+s best friend and 'laymate% =ut now it was !ilton whom 4essie sat in the 'orch swing with% Desdemona had asked GoF, ,Ahy you no go out with 4essie no moreD1 "nd GoF, in a slightly bitter tone, had re'lied, ,&he+s busy%1 4his was what brought on the return of my grandmother+s heart 'al'itations% "fter e)erything she had done to atone for her crime, after she had turned her marriage into an arctic wasteland and allowed a surgeon to tie her fallo'ian tubes, consanguinity wasn+t finished with her% "nd so, horrified, my grandmother had resumed an acti)ity at which she had tried her hand once before, with decidedly mi3ed results% Desdemona was matchmaking again% 9rom &unday to &unday, as in the house in =ithynios, a 'arade of marriageable girls came through the front door of 7urlbut% 4he only difference was that in this case they weren+t the same two girls multi'lied o)er and o)er% In Detroit, Desdemona had a large 'ool to choose from% 4here were girls with s@ueaky )oices or soft altos, 'lum' girls and thin ones, babyish girls who wore heart lockets and girls who were old before their time and worked as secretaries in insurance firms% 4here was &o'hie -eorgo'oulos, who walked funny e)er since ste''ing on hot coals during a cam'ing tri', and there was !athilda *i)anos, su'remely bored in the way of beautiful girls, who+d shown no interest in !ilton and hadn+t e)en washed her hair% Aeek after week, aided or coerced by their 'arents, they came, and week after week !ilton &te'hanides e3cused himself to go u' to his bedroom and 'lay his clarinet out the window% How, with Desdemona riding herd behind, he came down to see -aia Oasilakis% &he was sitting between her 'arents on the o)erstuffed sea/foam/green sofa, a large girl herself, wearing a white crinoline dress with a ruffled hem and 'uffed slee)es% 7er short white socks had ruffles, too% 4hey reminded !ilton of the lace co)er o)er the bathroom trashcan% ,=oy, those are a lot of badges,1 -us Oasilakis said% ,!ilton needed one more badge and he could ha)e been an ?agle &cout,1 *efty said% ,Ahich one is thatD1 ,&wimming,1 said !ilton% ,I can+t swim for beans%1 ,I+m not a )ery good swimmer either,1 -aia said, smiling% ,7a)e a cookie, !iltie,1 Desdemona urged% !ilton looked down at the tin and took a cookie% ,-aia made them,1 Desdemona said% ,7ow you like itD1 !ilton chewed, meditati)ely% "fter a moment, he held u' the =oy &cout salute% ,I cannot tell a lie,1 he said% ,4his cookie is lousy%1 Is there anything as incredible as the lo)e story of your own 'arentsD "nything as hard to gras' as the fact that those two o)er/the/hill 'layers, 'ermanently on the disabled list, were once in the starting lineu'D It+s im'ossible to imagine my father, who in my e3'erience was aroused mainly by the lowering of interest rates, suffering the acute, adolescent 'assions of the flesh% !ilton lying on his bed, dreaming about my

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mother in the same way I would later dream about the 2bscure 2bBect% !ilton writing lo)e letters and e)en, after reading !ar)ell+s ,4o 7is 6oy !istress1 at night school, lo)e poems % !ilton mi3ing ?li(abethan meta'hysics with the rhyming styles of ?dgar =ergen: Jou+re Bust as ama(ing, 4essie Gi(mo as some new mechanical gi(mo a -? e3ec might gi)e a 'al you+re a Aorld+s 9air kind of galK ?)en looking back through a daughter+s forgi)ing eye, I ha)e to admit: my father was ne)er good/looking% "t eighteen, he was alarmingly, consum'ti)ely skinny% =lemishes dotted his face% =eneath his doleful eyes the skin was already darkening in 'ouches% 7is chin was weak, his nose o)erde)elo'ed, his =rylcreemed hair as massi)e and gleaming as a Jell/2 mold% !ilton, howe)er, was aware of none of these 'hysical deficits% 7e 'ossessed a flinty self/confidence that 'rotected him like a shell from the world+s assaults% 4heodora+s 'hysical a''eal was more ob)ious% &he had inherited &ourmelina+s beauty on a smaller scale% &he was only fi)e foot one, thin/waisted and small/busted, with a long, swanlike neck su''orting her 'retty, heart/sha'ed face% If &ourmelina had always been a ?uro'ean kind of "merican, a sort of !arlene Dietrich, then 4essie was the fully "mericani(ed daughter Dietrich might ha)e had% 7er mainstream, e)en countrified, looks e3tended to the slight ga' between her teeth and her turned/u' nose% 4raits often ski' a generation% I look much more ty'ically -reek than my mother does% &omehow 4essie had become a 'artial 'roduct of the &outh% &he said things like ,shucks1 and ,golly%1 Aorking e)ery day at the florist+s sho', *ina had left 4essie in the care of an assortment of older women, many of them &cotch Irish ladies from Qentucky, and in this way a twang had gotten into 4essie+s s'eech% 6om'ared with GoF+s strong, mannish features, 4essie had so/called all/"merican looks, and this was certainly 'art of what attracted my father% &ourmelina+s salary at the florist+s sho' was not high% !other and daughter were forced to economi(e% "t secondhand sho's, &ourmelina gra)itated to Oegas showgirl outfits% 4essie 'icked out sensible clothes% =ack at 2+4oole+s, she mended wool skirts and hand/washed blouses; she de/'illed sweaters and 'olished used saddle shoes% =ut the faint thrift/store smell ne)er @uite left her clothes% 8It would attach to me years later when I went on the road%: 4he smell went along with her fatherlessness, and with growing u' 'oor% Jimmy Gi(mo: all that remained of him was what he+d left on 4essie+s body% 7er frame was delicate like his, her hair, though silken, was black like his% Ahen she didn+t wash it enough, it got oily, and, sniffing her 'illow, she would think, ,!aybe this is what my dad smelled like%1 &he got canker sores in wintertime 8against which Gi(mo had taken )itamin 6:% =ut 4essie was fair/skinned and burned easily in the sun% ?)er since !ilton could remember, 4essie had been in the house, wearing the stiff, churchy oufits her mother found so amusing% ,*ook at the two of us,1 *ina would say% ,*ike a 6hinese menu% &weet and sour%1 4essie didn+t like it when *ina talked this way% &he didn+t think she was sour; only 'ro'er% &he wished that her mother would act more 'ro'er herself% Ahen *ina drank too much, 4essie was the one who took her home, undressed her, and 'ut her to bed% =ecause *ina was an e3hibitionist, 4essie had

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become a )oyeur% =ecause *ina was loud, 4essie had turned out @uiet% &he 'layed an instrument, too: the accordion% It sat in its case under her bed% ?)ery so often she took it out, throwing the stra' o)er her shoulders to kee' the huge, many/keyed, whee(ing instrument off the ground% 4he accordion seemed nearly as big as she was and she 'layed it dutifully, badly, and always with the suggestion of a carni)al sadness% "s little children !ilton and 4essie had shared the same bedroom and bathtub, but that was long ago% ;' until recently, !ilton thought of 4essie as his 'rim cousin% Ahene)er one of his friends e3'ressed interest in her, !ilton told them to gi)e u' the idea% ,4hat+s honey from the icebo3,1 he said, as "rtie &haw might ha)e% ,6old sweets don+t s'read%1 "nd then one day !ilton came home with some new reeds from the music store% 7e hung his coat and hat on the 'egs in the foyer, took out the reeds, and balled the 'a'er bag u' in his fist% &te''ing into the li)ing room, he took a set shot% 4he 'a'er sailed across the room, hit the rim of the trashcan, and bounced out% "t which 'oint a )oice said, ,Jou better stick to music%1 !ilton looked to see who it was% 7e saw who it was% =ut who it was was no longer who it had been% 4heodora was lying on the couch, reading% &he had on a s'ring dress, a 'attern of red flowers% 7er feet were bare and that was when !ilton saw them: the red toenails% !ilton had ne)er sus'ected that 4heodora was the kind of girl who would 'aint her toenails% 4he red nails made her look womanly while the rest of her<the thin 'ale arms, the fragile neck<remained as girlish as always% ,I+m watching the roast,1 she e3'lained% ,Ahere+s my momD1 ,&he went out%1 ,&he went outD &he ne)er goes out%1 ,&he did today%1 ,Ahere+s my sisterD1 ,$/7%1 4essie looked at the black case he was holding% ,4hat your clarinetD1 ,Jeah%1 , lay something for me%1 !ilton set his instrument case down on the sofa% "s he o'ened it and took out his clarinet, he remained aware of the nakedness of 4essie+s legs% 7e inserted the mouth'iece and limbered u' his fingers, running them u' and down the keys% "nd then, at the mercy of an o)erwhelming im'ulse, he bent forward, 'ressing the flaring end of the clarinet to 4essie+s bare knee, and blew a long note% &he s@uealed, mo)ing her knee away% ,4hat was a D flat,1 !ilton said% ,Jou want to hear a D shar'D1 4essie still had her hand o)er her bu((ing knee% 4he )ibration of the clarinet had sent a shi)er all the way u' her thigh% &he felt funny, as though she were about to laugh, but she didn+t laugh% &he was staring at her cousin, thinking, ,Aill you Bust look at him smiling awayD &till got 'im'les but thinks he+s the cat+s meow% Ahere does he get itD1 ,"ll right,1 she answered at last% ,2kay,1 said !ilton% ,D shar'% 7ere goes%1 4hat first day it was 4essie+s knees% 4he following &unday, !ilton came u' from behind and 'layed his clarinet against the back of 4essie+s neck% 4he sound was muffled% Ais's of her hair flew u'% 4essie screamed, but not long% ,Jeah, dad,1 said !ilton, standing behind her% "nd so it began% 7e 'layed ,=egin the =eguine1 against 4essie+s collarbone% 7e

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'layed ,!oonface1 against her smooth cheeks% ressing the clarinet right u' against the red toenails that had so da((led him, he 'layed ,It -oes to Jour 9eet%1 Aith a secrecy they didn+t acknowledge, !ilton and 4essie drifted off to @uiet 'arts of the house, and there, lifting her skirt a little, or remo)ing a sock, or once, when nobody was home, 'ulling u' her blouse to e3'ose her lower back, 4essie allowed !ilton to 'ress his clarinet to her skin and fill her body with music% "t first it only tickled her% =ut after a while the notes s'read dee'er into her body% &he felt the )ibrations 'enetrate her muscles, 'ulsing in wa)es, until they rattled her bones and made her inner organs hum% !ilton 'layed his instrument with the same fingers he used for the =oy &cout salute, but his thoughts were anything but wholesome% =reathing hard, bent o)er 4essie with trembling concentration, he mo)ed the clarinet in circles, like a snake charmer% "nd 4essie was a cobra, mesmeri(ed, tamed, ra)ished by the sound% 9inally, one afternoon when they were all alone, 4essie, his 'ro'er cousin, lay down on her back% &he crossed one arm o)er her face% ,Ahere should I 'layD1 whis'ered !ilton, his mouth feeling too dry to 'lay anything% 4essie undid a button on her blouse and in a strangled )oice said, ,!y stomach%1 ,I don+t know a song about a stomach,1 !ilton )entured% ,!y ribs, then%1 ,I don+t know any songs about ribs%1 ,!y sternumD1 ,Hobody e)er wrote a song about a sternum, 4ess%1 &he undid more buttons, her eyes closed% "nd in barely a whis'er: ,7ow about thisD1 ,4hat one I know,1 said !ilton% Ahen he couldn+t 'lay against 4essie+s skin, !ilton o'ened the window of his bedroom and serenaded her from afar% &ometimes he called the boardinghouse and asked !rs% 2+4oole if he could s'eak with 4heodora% ,!inute,1 !rs% 2+4oole said, and shouted u' the stairs, , hone for Gi(mo>1 !ilton heard the sound of feet running down the stairs and then 4essie+s )oice saying hello% "nd he began 'laying his clarinet into the 'hone% 8Jears later, my mother would recall the days when she was wooed by clarinet% ,Jour father couldn+t 'lay )ery well% 4wo or three songs% 4hat was it%1 ,Ahaddya meanD1 !ilton would 'rotest% ,I had a whole re'ertoire%1 7e+d begin to whistle ,=egin the =eguine,1 warbling the melody to e)oke a clarinet+s )ibrato and fingering the air% ,Ahy don+t you serenade me anymoreD1 4essie would ask% =ut !ilton had something else on his mind: ,Ahate)er ha''ened to that old clarinet of mineD1 "nd then 4essie: ,7ow should I knowD Jou e3'ect me to kee' track of e)erythingD1 ,Is it down in the basementD1 ,!aybe I threw it out>1 ,Jou threw it out> Ahat the hell did you do that for>1 ,Ahat are you going to do, !ilt, 'ractice u'D Jou couldn+t 'lay the darn thing back then%1: "ll lo)e serenades must come to an end% =ut in 19$$, there was no sto' to the music% =y July, when the tele'hone rang at the 2+4oole =oardinghouse, there was sometimes another kind of lo)e song issuing from the ear'iece: %&yrie eleison, &yrie eleison.( " soft )oice, nearly as feminine as 4essie+s own, cooing into a 'hone a few blocks away% 4he singing continued for a minute at least% "nd then !ichael "ntoniou would ask, ,7ow was thatD1 ,4hat was swell,1 my mother said% ,It wasD1

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,Just like in church% Jou could ha)e fooled me%1 Ahich brings me to the final com'lication in that o)er'lotted year% Aorried about what !ilton and 4essie were getting u' to, my grandmother wasn+t only trying to marry !ilton off to somebody else% =y that summer she had a husband 'icked out for 4essie, too% !ichael "ntoniou<9ather !ike, as he would come to be known in our family< was at that time a seminarian at the -reek 2rthodo3 7oly 6ross 4heological &chool out in omfret, 6onnecticut% =ack home for the summer, he had been 'aying a lot of attention to 4essie Gi(mo% In 19EE, "ssum'tion 6hurch had mo)ed out of its @uarters in the storefront on 7art &treet% How the congregation had a real church, on Oernor 7ighway Bust off =eniteau% 4he church was made of yellow brick% It wore three do)e/gray domes, like ca's, and had a basement for sociali(ing% During coffee hour, !ichael "ntoniou told 4essie what it was like out at 7oly 6ross and educated her about the lesser/known as'ects of -reek 2rthodo3y% 7e told her about the monks of !ount "thos, who in their (eal for 'urity banned not only women from their island monastery but the females of e)ery other s'ecies, too% 4here were no female birds on !ount "thos, no female snakes, no female dogs or cats% ," little too strict for me,1 !ichael "ntoniou said, smiling meaningfully at 4essie% ,I Bust want to be a 'arish 'riest% !arried with kids%1 !y mother wasn+t sur'rised that he showed interest in her% =eing short herself, she was used to short guys asking her to dance% &he didn+t like being chosen by )irtue of her height, but !ichael "ntoniou was 'ersistent% "nd he might not ha)e been 'ursuing her because she was the only girl shorter than he was% 7e might ha)e been res'onding to the need in 4essie+s eyes, her des'erate yearning to belie)e that there was something instead of nothing% Desdemona sei(ed her o''ortunity% ,!ikey is good -reek boy, nice boy,1 she said to 4essie% ,"nd going to be a 'riest>1 "nd to !ichael "ntoniou: ,4essie is small but she is strong% 7ow many 'lates you think she can carry, 9ather !ikeD1 ,I+m not a father yet, !rs% &te'hanides%1 , lease, how manyD1 ,&i3D1 ,4hat all you thinkD &i3D1 "nd now holding u' two hands: ,4en> 4en 'lates 4essie can carry% He)er break a thing%1 &he began in)iting !ichael "ntoniou o)er for &unday dinner% 4he 'resence of the seminarian inhibited 4essie, who no longer wandered u'stairs for 'ri)ate swing sessions% !ilton, growing surly at this new de)elo'ment, threw barbs across the dinner table% ,I guess it must be a lot harder to be a 'riest o)er here in "merica, huhD1 ,7ow do you meanD1 !ichael "ntoniou asked% ,I Bust mean that o)er in the old country 'eo'le aren+t too well educated,1 !ilton said% ,4hey+ll belie)e whate)er stories the 'riests tell them% 7ere it+s different% Jou can go to college and learn to think for yourself%1 ,4he 6hurch doesn+t want 'eo'le not to think,1 !ichael re'lied without taking offense% ,4he 6hurch belie)es that thinking will take a 'erson only so far% Ahere thinking ends, re)elation begins%1 %-hrysostomos'( Desdemona e3claimed% ,9ather !ike, you ha)e a mouth of gold%1 =ut !ilton 'ersisted, ,I+d say where thinking ends, stu'idity begins%1 ,4hat+s how 'eo'le li)e, !ilt1<!ichael "ntoniou again, still kindly, gently<,by telling stories% Ahat+s the first thing a kid says when he learns how to talkD L4ell me a story%+ 4hat+s how we understand who we are, where we come from% &tories are e)erything% "nd what story does the 6hurch ha)e to tellD 4hat+s easy% It+s the greatest

11C

story e)er told%1 !y mother, listening to this debate, couldn+t fail to notice the stark contrasts between her two suitors% 2n one side, faith; on the other, ske'ticism% 2n one side, kindness; on the other, hostility% "n admittedly short though 'leasant/looking young man against a scrawny, 'im'ly, $/9 boy with circles under his eyes like a hungry wolf% !ichael "ntoniou hadn+t so much as tried to kiss 4essie, whereas !ilton had led her astray with a woodwind% D flats and " shar's licking at her like so many tongues of flame, here behind the knee, u' here on the neck, right below the na)el K the in)entory filled her with shame% *ater that afternoon, !ilton cornered her% ,I got a new song for you, 4ess% Just learned it today%1 =ut 4essie told him, ,-et away%1 ,AhyD Ahat+s the matterD1 ,It+s K it+s K1<she tried to think of the most damning 'ronouncement<,It+s not nice>1 ,4hat+s not what you said last week%1 !ilton wa)ed the clarinet, adBusting the reed with a wink, until 4essie, finally: ,I don+t want to do that anymore> Do you understandD *ea)e me alone>1 ?)ery &aturday for the remainder of the summer, !ichael "ntoniou came by 2+4oole+s to 'ick 4essie u'% 4aking her 'urse as they walked along, he swung it by its stra', 'retending it was a censer% ,Jou ha)e to do it Bust right,1 he told her% ,If you don+t swing it hard enough, the chain buckles and the embers fall out%1 2n their way down the street, my mother tried to ignore her embarrassment at being seen in 'ublic with a man swinging a 'urse% "t the drugstore soda fountain, she watched him tuck a na'kin into his shirt collar before eating his sundae% Instead of 'o''ing the cherry into his mouth as !ilton would ha)e done, !ichael "ntoniou always offered it to her% *ater, seeing her home, he s@uee(ed her hand and looked sincerely into her eyes% ,4hank you for another enBoyable afternoon% &ee you in church tomorrow%1 4hen he walked away, folding his hands behind his back% racticing how to walk like a 'riest, too% "fter he was gone, 4essie went inside and climbed the stairs to her room% &he lay down on her daybed to read% 2ne afternoon, unable to concentrate, she sto''ed reading and 'ut the book o)er her face% Just then, outside, a clarinet began to 'lay% 4essie listened for a while, without mo)ing% 9inally, her hand rose to take the book off her face% It ne)er got there, howe)er% 4he hand wa)ed in the air, as if conducting the music, and then, sensibly, resignedly, des'erately, it slammed the window shut% ,=ra)o>1 Desdemona shouted into the 'hone a few days later% 4hen, holding the mouth'iece to her chest: ,!ikey "ntoniou Bust 'ro'osed to 4essie> 4hey+re engaged> 4hey are going to get married as soon as !ikey he finishes the seminary%1 ,Don+t look too e3cited,1 GoF told her brother% ,Ahy don+t you shut u'D1 ,Don+t get sore at me,1 she said, blind to the future% ,I+m not marrying him% Jou+d ha)e to shoot me first%1 ,If she wants to marry a 'riest,1 !ilton said, ,let her marry a 'riest% 4he hell with her%1 7is face turned red and he bolted from the table and fled u' the stairs% =ut why did my mother do itD &he could ne)er e3'lain% 4he reasons 'eo'le marry the 'eo'le they do are not always e)ident to those in)ol)ed% &o I can only s'eculate% !aybe my mother, ha)ing grown u' without a father, was trying to marry one% It+s 'ossible, too, that her decision was a 'ractical one% &he+d asked !ilton what he wanted to do with his life once% ,I was thinking of maybe taking o)er my dad+s bar%1 2n to' of all the other o''ositions, there may ha)e been this final one: bartender, 'riest% Im'ossible to imagine my father wee'ing from a broken heart% Im'ossible to imagine him refusing to eat% Im'ossible, also, to imagine him calling the boardinghouse

11E

again and again until finally !rs% 2+4oole said, ,*isten, sugar% &he don+t want to talk to you% -et itD1 ,Jeah1<!ilton swallowing hard<,I got it%1 , lenty of other fish in the sea%1 Im'ossible to imagine any of these things, but they are, in fact, what ha''ened% !aybe !rs% 2+4oole+s maritime meta'hor had gi)en him an idea% " week after 4essie became engaged, on a steamy 4uesday morning, !ilton 'ut his clarinet away for good and went down to 6adillac &@uare to e3change his =oy &cout uniform for another% ,Aell, I did it,1 he told the family at dinner that night% ,I enlisted%1 ,In the "rmy>1 Desdemona said, horrified% ,Ahat did you do that forD1 said GoF% ,4he war+s almost o)er% 7itler+s finished%1 ,I don+t know about 7itler% It+s 7irohito I+)e got to worry about% I Boined the Ha)y% Hot the "rmy%1 ,Ahat about your feetD1 Desdemona cried% ,4hey didn+t ask about my feet%1 !y grandfather, who had sat through the clarinet serenades as he sat through e)erything, aware of their significance but uncon)inced of the wisdom of getting in)ol)ed, now glared at his son% ,Jou+re a )ery stu'id young man, do you know thatD Jou think this is some kind of gameD1 ,Ho, sir%1 ,4his is a war% Jou think it is some kind of fun, a warD &ome kind of big Boke to 'lay on your 'arentsD1 ,Ho, sir%1 ,Jou will see what kind of a big Boke it is%1 ,4he Ha)y>1 Desdemona meanwhile continued to moan% ,Ahat if your boat it sinksD1 ,Jou see what you doD1 *efty shook his head% ,Jou+re going to make your mother sick worrying so much%1 ,I+ll be okay,1 said !ilton% *ooking at his son, *efty now saw a 'ainful sight: himself twenty years earlier, full of stu'id, cocky o'timism% 4here was nothing to do with the s'ike of fear that shot through him but to s'eak out in anger% ,2kay, then% -o to the Ha)y,1 said *efty% ,=ut you know what you forgot, !r% almost ?agle &coutD1 7e 'ointed at !ilton+s chest% ,Jou forgot you ne)er win a badge for swimming%1

%e(s of the .orld

I waited three days before calling Julie again% It was ten o+clock at night and she was still in her studio working% &he hadn+t eaten, so I suggested we get something% I said I+d come by and 'ick her u'% 4his time, she let me in% 7er studio was a mess, frightening in its chaos, but after the first few ste's I forgot about all that% !y attention was arrested by what I saw on the walls% 9i)e or si3 large test 'rints were tacked u', each one showing the industrial landsca'e of a chemical 'lant% Julie had shot the factory from a crane, so that the effect for the )iewer was of floating Bust abo)e the snaking 'i'es and smokestacks% ,2kay, that+s enough,1 she said, 'ushing me toward the door% ,7old on,1 I said% ,I lo)e factories% I+m from Detroit% 4his is like an "nsel "dams for me%1

11$

,How you+)e seen it,1 she said, shooing me out, 'leased, uncomfortable, smiling, stubborn% ,I+)e got a =ernd and 7illa =echer in my li)ing room,1 I boasted% ,Jou+)e got a =ernd and 7illa =echerD1 &he sto''ed 'ushing me% ,It+s an old cement factory%1 ,2kay, all right,1 said Julie, relenting% ,I do factories% 4hat+s what I do% 9actories% 4hese are the I% -% 9arben 'lant%1 &he winced% ,I+m worried it+s the ty'ical thing for an "merican to do o)er here%1 ,7olocaust industry, you meanD1 ,I ha)en+t read that book, but yeah%1 ,If you+)e always done factories, I think it+s different,1 I told her% ,4hen you+re not Bust glomming on% If factories are your subBect, how could you not do I% -% 9arben%1 ,Jou think it+s okayD1 I 'ointed to the test 'rints% ,4hese are great%1 Ae fell silent, looking at each other, and without thinking I leaned forward and kissed Julie lightly on the li's% Ahen the kiss was o)er she o'ened her eyes )ery wide% ,I thought you were gay when we met,1 she said% ,!ust ha)e been the suit%1 ,!y gaydar went off com'letely%1 Julie was shaking her head% ,I+m always sus'icious, being the last sto'%1 ,4he last whatD1 ,7a)en+t you e)er heard of thatD "sian chicks are the last sto'% If a guy+s in the closet, he goes for an "sian because their bodies are more like boys+%1 ,Jour body+s not like a boy+s,1 I said% 4his embarrassed Julie% &he looked away% ,Jou+)e had a lot of closeted gay guys go after youD1 I asked her% ,4wice in college, three times in graduate school,1 answered Julie% 4here was no other res'onse to this but to kiss her again%

***
4o resume my 'arents+ story, I need to bring u' a )ery embarrassing memory for a -reek "merican: !ichael Dukakis on his tank% Do you remember thatD 4he single image that doomed our ho'es of getting a -reek into the Ahite 7ouse: Dukakis, wearing an o)ersi(e army helmet, bouncing along on to' of an !$1 Aalker =ulldog% 4rying to look 'residential but looking instead like a little boy on an amusement 'ark ride% 8?)ery time a -reek gets near the 2)al 2ffice something goes wrong% 9irst it was "gnew with the ta3 e)asion and then it was Dukakis with the tank%: =efore Dukakis climbed u' on that armored )ehicle, before he took off his J% ress suit and 'ut on those army fatigues, we all felt<I s'eak for my fellow -reek "mericans, whether they want me to or not<a sense of e3ultation% 4his man was the Democratic nominee for resident of the ;nited &tates> 7e was from !assachusetts, like the Qennedys> 7e 'racticed a

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religion e)en stranger than 6atholicism, but no one was bringing it u'% 4his was 1955% !aybe the time had finally come when anyone<or at least not the same old someones< could be resident% =ehold the banners at the Democratic 6on)ention> *ook at the bum'er stickers on all the Ool)os% ,Dukakis%1 " name with more than two )owels in it running for resident> 4he last time that had ha''ened was ?isenhower 8who looked good on a tank:% -enerally s'eaking, "mericans like their 'residents to ha)e no more than two )owels% 4ruman% Johnson% Hi3on% 6linton% If they ha)e more than two )owels 80eagan:, they can ha)e no more than two syllables% ?)en better is one syllable and one )owel: =ush% 7ad to do that twice% Ahy did !ario 6uomo decide against running for residentD Ahat conclusion did he come to as he withdrew to think the matter throughD ;nlike !ichael Dukakis, who was from academic !assachusetts, !ario 6uomo was from Hew Jork and knew what was what% 6uomo knew he+d ne)er win% 4oo liberal for the moment, certainly% =ut also: too many )owels% 2n to' of a tank, !ichael Dukakis rode toward a bank of 'hotogra'hers and into the 'olitical sunset% ainful as the image is to recall, I bring it u' for a reason% !ore than anything, that was what my newly enlisted father, &eaman Cnd 6lass !ilton &te'hanides, looked like as he bounced in a landing craft off the 6alifornia coast in the fall of 19$$% *ike Dukakis, !ilton was mostly helmet% *ike Dukakis+s, !ilton+s chin stra' looked as though it had been fastened by his mother% *ike Dukakis+s, !ilton+s e3'ression betrayed a cree'ing awareness of error% !ilton, too, couldn+t get off his mo)ing )ehicle% 7e, too, was riding toward e3tinction% 4he only difference was the absence of 'hotogra'hers because it was the middle of the night% " month after Boining the ;nited &tates Ha)y, !ilton found himself stationed at 6oronado na)al base in &an Diego% 7e was a member of the "m'hibious 9orces, whose Bob it was to trans'ort troo's to the 9ar ?ast and assist their storming of beaches% It was !ilton+s Bob<luckily so far only in maneu)ers<to lower the landing craft off the side of the trans'ort shi'% 9or o)er a month, si3 days a week, ten hours a day, that+s what he+d been doing<lowering boats full of men into )arious sea conditions% Ahen he wasn+t lowering landing craft, he was in one himself% 4hree or four nights a week, they had to 'ractice night landings% 4hese were e3tremely tricky% 4he coast around 6oronado was treacherous% 4he ine3'erienced 'ilots had trouble steering toward the diff lights, which marked the beaches, and often brought the boats to shore on the rocks% 4hough the army helmet obscured !ilton+s 'resent )ision, it ga)e him a 'retty good 'icture of the future% 4he helmet weighed as much as a bowling ball% It was as thick as the hood of a car% Jou 'ut it o)er your head, like a hat, but it was nothing like a hat% In contact with the skull, an army helmet transmitted images directly into the brain% 4hese were of obBects the helmet was designed to kee' out% =ullets, for instance% "nd shra'nel% 4he helmet closed off the mind for contem'lation of these essential realities% "nd if you were a 'erson like my father, you began to think about how you could esca'e such realities% "fter a single week of drills, !ilton reali(ed that he had made a terrible mistake Boining the Ha)y% =attle could be only slightly less dangerous than this 're'aration for it% ?)ery night someone got inBured% Aa)es slammed guys u' against the boats% -uys fell and got swe't underneath% 4he week before, a kid from 2maha had drowned% During the day they trained, 'laying football on the beach in army boots to build u' their legs, and then at night they had the drills% ?3hausted, seasick, !ilton stood 'acked in like a sardine, shouldering a hea)y 'ack% 7e had always wanted to be an

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"merican and now he got to see what his fellow "mericans were like% In close @uarters he suffered their backwoods lubricity and knucklehead talk% 4hey were in the boats for hours together, getting slammed around, getting wet% 4hey got to bed at three or four in the morning% 4hen the sun came u' and it was time to do it all o)er again% Ahy had he Boined the Ha)yD 9or re)enge, for esca'e% 7e wanted to get back at 4essie and he wanted to forget her% Heither had worked% 4he dullness of military life, the endless re'etition of duties, the standing in line to eat, to use the bathroom, to sha)e, ser)ed as no distraction at all% &tanding in line all day brought on the )ery thoughts !ilton wanted to a)oid, of a clarinet im'rint, like a ring of fire, on 4essie+s flushed thigh% 2r of Oandenbrock, the kid from 2maha who+d drowned: his battered face, the seawater leaking through his busted teeth% "ll around !ilton in the boat now guys were already getting sick% 4en minutes in the swells and sailors were bending o)er and regurgitating the beef stew and instant mashed 'otatoes of that e)ening+s dinner onto the ridged metal floor% 4his 'ro)oked no comment% 4he )omit, which was an eerie blue color in the moonlight, had its own wa)e action, sloshing back and forth o)er e)erybody+s boots% !ilton lifted his face, trying to get a whiff of fresh air% 4he boat 'itched and rolled% It fell off wa)es and came crashing down, the hull shuddering% 4hey were getting close to shore, where the surf 'icked u'% 4he other men readBusted their 'acks and got ready for the make/belie)e assault, and &eaman &te'hanides abandoned the solitude of his helmet% ,&aw it in the library,1 the sailor beside him was saying to another% ,2n the bulletin board%1 ,Ahat kind of testD1 ,&ome kind of admittance e3am% 9or "nna'olis%1 ,Jeah, right, they+re gonna let a cou'le of guys like us into "nna'olis%1 ,Doesn+t matter if they let us in or not% Deal is, whoe)er takes the test gets e3cused from drills%1 ,Ahat did you say about a testD1 !ilton asked, butting in% 4he sailor looked around to see if anyone else had heard% ,Qee' @uiet about it% If we all sign u', it won+t work%1 ,Ahen is itD1 =ut before the sailor could answer there was a loud, grinding sound: they had hit the rocks again% 4he sudden sto' knocked e)eryone forward% 7elmets rang against one another; noses broke% &ailors fell into a 'ile and the front hatch fell away% Aater was streaming into the boat now and the lieutenant was yelling% !ilton, along with e)eryone else, lea't into the confusion<the black rocks, the sucking undertow, the !e3ican beer bottles, the startled crabs% =ack in Detroit, also in the dark, my mother was at the mo)ies% !ichael "ntoniou, her fiancI, had returned to 7oly 6ross and now she had her &aturdays free% 2n the screen of the ?s@uire theater, numerals flashed K . K $ K E K and a newsreel began% !uted trum'ets blared% "n announcer began gi)ing war re'orts% It had been the same announcer throughout the war, so that by now 4essie felt she knew him; he was almost family% Aeek after week he had informed her about !onty and the =rits dri)ing 0ommel+s tanks out of Horth "frica and the "merican troo's liberating "lgeria and landing in &icily% !unching 'o'corn, 4essie had watched as the months and years 'assed% 4he newsreels followed an itinerary% "t first they+d concentrated on ?uro'e% 4here were tanks rolling through tiny )illages and 9rench girls wa)ing handkerchiefs

11#

from balconies% 4he 9rench girls didn+t look like they+d been through a war; they wore 'retty, ruffled skirts, white ankle socks, and silk scar)es% Hone of the men wore berets, which sur'rised 4essie% &he+d always wanted to go to ?uro'e, not to -reece so much, but to 9rance or Italy% "s she watched these newsreels, what 4essie noticed wasn+t the bombed/out buildings but the sidewalk cafIs, the fountains, the self/com'osed, urbane little dogs% 4wo &aturdays ago, she+d seen "ntwer' and =russels liberated by the "llies% How, as attention turned toward Ja'an, the scenery was changing% alm trees cro''ed u' in the newsreels, and tro'ical islands% 4his afternoon the screen ga)e the date ,2ctober 19$$1 and the announcer announced, #s #merican troops prepare for the final in,asion of the Pacific, General 1ouglas Mac#rthur, ,owing to make good on his promise of %) shall return,( sur,eys his troops. 4he footage showed sailors standing at attention on deck, or dro''ing artillery shells into guns, or horsing around on a beach, wa)ing to the folks back home% "nd out in the audience my mother found herself doing a cra(y thing% &he was looking for !ilton+s face% 7e was her second cousin, wasn+t heD It was only natural she should worry about him% 4hey had also been, not in lo)e e3actly, but in something more immature, a kind of infatuation or crush% Hothing like what she had with !ichael% 4essie sat u' in her seat% &he adBusted her 'urse in her la'% &he sat u' like a young lady who was engaged to be married% =ut after the newsreel ended and the mo)ie began, she forgot about being an adult% &he sank down in her seat and 'ut her feet u' o)er the seat in front% !aybe it wasn+t a )ery good mo)ie that day, or maybe she+d seen too many mo)ies lately<she+d gone for the last eight straight days<but whate)er the reason, 4essie couldn+t concentrate% &he ke't thinking that if something ha''ened to !ilton, if he was wounded or, -od forbid, if he didn+t come back<she would be somehow to blame% &he hadn+t told him to enlist in the Ha)y% If he+d asked her, she would ha)e told him not to% =ut she knew he+d done it because of her% It was a little like )nto the "ands , with 6laude =arron, which she+d seen a cou'le of weeks ago% In that 'icture 6laude =arron enlists in the 9oreign *egion because 0ita 6arrol marries another guy% 4he other guy turns out to be a cheater and drinker, and so 0ita 6arrol lea)es him and tra)els out to the desert where 6laude =arron is fighting the "rabs% =y the time 0ita 6arrol gets there he+s in the hos'ital, wounded, or not a hos'ital really but Bust a tent, and she tells him she lo)es him and 6laude =arron says, ,I went into the desert to forget about you% =ut the sand was the color of your hair% 4he desert sky was the color of your eyes% 4here was nowhere I could go that wouldn+t be you%1 "nd then he dies% 4essie cried buckets% 7er mascara ran, staining the collar of her blouse something awful% Drilling at night and going to &aturday matinees, Bum'ing into the sea and sliding down in mo)ie seats, worrying and regretting and ho'ing and trying to forget< ne)ertheless, to be 'erfectly honest, mostly what 'eo'le did during the war was write letters% In su''ort of my 'ersonal belief that real life doesn+t li)e u' to writing about it, the members of my family seem to ha)e s'ent most of their time that year engaged in corres'ondence% 9rom 7oly 6ross, !ichael "ntoniou wrote twice a week to his fiancIe% 7is letters arri)ed in light blue en)elo'es embossed with the head of atriarch =enBamin in the u''er left/hand corner, and on the stationery inside, his handwriting, like his )oice, was feminine and neat% ,!ost likely, the first 'lace they+ll send us after my ordination will be somewhere in -reece% 4here+s going to be a lot of rebuilding to do now that the Ha(is ha)e left%1 "t her desk beneath the &hakes'eare bookends, 4essie wrote back faithfully, if

115

not entirely truthfully% !ost of her daily acti)ities didn+t seem )irtuous enough to tell a seminarian/fiancI% "nd so she began to in)ent a more a''ro'riate life for herself% ,4his morning Go and I went down to )olunteer at the 0ed 6ross,1 wrote my mother, who had s'ent the entire day at the 9o3 4heater, eating non'areils% ,4hey had us cut u' old bedsheets into stri's for bandages% Jou should see the blister I+)e got on my thumb% It+s a real who''er%1 &he didn+t start out with these wholesale fictions% "t first 4essie had gi)en an honest accounting of her days% =ut in one letter !ichael "ntoniou had said, ,!o)ies are fine as entertainment, but with the war I wonder if they+re the best way to s'end your time%1 "fter that, 4essie started making things u'% &he rationali(ed her lying by telling herself that this was her last year of freedom% =y ne3t summer she+d be a 'riest+s wife, li)ing somewhere in -reece% 4o mitigate her dishonesty, she deflected all honor from herself, filling her letters with 'raise for GoF% ,&he works si3 days a week but on &undays gets u' bright and early to take !rs% 4sontakis to church<'oor thing+s ninety/three and can barely walk% 4hat+s GoF% "lways thinking of others%1 !eanwhile, Desdemona and !ilton were writing to each other, too% =efore going off to war, my father had 'romised his mother that he+d finally become literate in -reek% How, from 6alifornia, lying on his bunk in the e)enings, so sore he could barely mo)e, !ilton consulted a -reek/?nglish dictionary to 'iece together re'orts on his na)y life% Ho matter how hard he concentrated, howe)er, by the time his letters arri)ed at 7urlbut &treet something had been lost in translation% ,Ahat kind of 'a'er this isD1 Desdemona asked her husband, holding u' a letter that resembled &wiss cheese% *ike mice, military censors had nibbled at !ilton+s letters before Desdemona got to digest them% 4hey bit off any mention of the word ,in)asion,1 any reference to ,&an Diego1 or ,6oronado%1 4hey chewed through whole 'aragra'hs describing the na)al base, the destroyers and submarines docked at the 'ier% &ince the censors+ -reek was e)en worse than !ilton+s, they often made mistakes, lo''ing off endearments, 3+s and o+s% Des'ite the ga's in !ilton+s missi)es 8syntactical and 'hysical:, my grandmother registered the danger of his situation% In his badly 'enned sigmas and deltas she s'ied the shaking hand of her son+s growing an3iety% 2)er his grammatical mistakes she detected the note of fear in his )oice% 4he stationery itself frightened her because it already looked blown to bits% &eaman &te'hanides, howe)er, was doing his best to 're)ent inBury% 2n a Aednesday morning, he re'orted to the base library to take the admittance e3am for the ;%&% Ha)al "cademy% 2)er the ne3t fi)e hours, e)ery time he looked u' from his test 'a'er, he saw his shi'mates doing calisthenics in the hot sun% 7e couldn+t hel' smiling% Ahile his buddies were baking out there, !ilton was sitting under a ceiling fan, working out a mathematical 'roof% Ahile they were forced to run u' and down the sandy gridiron, !ilton was reading a 'aragra'h by someone named 6arlyle and answering the @uestions that followed% "nd tonight, when they would be getting creamed against the rocks, he would be snug in his bunk, fast aslee'% =y the time the early months of 19$. rolled in, e)eryone was looking for e3em'tions from duty% !y mother hid from charitable works by going to the mo)ies% !y father ducked maneu)ers by taking a test% =ut when it came to e3em'tions, my grandmother sought one from nothing less than hea)en itself% 2ne &unday in !arch, she arri)ed at "ssum'tion before the Di)ine *iturgy had started% -oing into a niche, she a''roached the icon of &t% 6hristo'her and 'ro'osed a deal% , lease, &t% 6hristo'her,1 Desdemona kissed her fingerti's and touched them to

119

the saint+s forehead, ,if you kee' !iltie safe in the war, I will make him 'romise to go back to =ithynios and fi3 the church%1 &he looked u' at &t% 6hristo'her, the martyr of "sia !inor% ,If the 4urks destroyed it, !iltie will build it again% If it only needs 'ainting, he+ll 'aint%1 &t% 6hristo'her was a giant% 7e held a staff and forded a rushing ri)er% 2n his back was the 6hrist 6hild, the hea)iest baby in history because he had the world in his hands% Ahat better saint to 'rotect her own son, in 'eril on the seaD In the shadowy, lam'lit s'ace, Desdemona 'rayed% &he mo)ed her li's, s'elling out the conditions% ,I would also like, if 'ossible, &t% 6hristo'her, if !iltie he could be e3cused from the training% 7e tells me it is )ery dangerous% 7e+s writing to me in -reek now, too, &t% 6hristo'her% Hot too good but okay% I also make him 'romise to 'ut in the church new 'ews% "lso, if you like, some car'ets%1 &he la'sed into silence, closing her eyelids% &he crossed herself numerous times, waiting for an answer% 4hen her s'ine suddenly straightened% &he o'ened her eyes, nodded, smiled% &he kissed her fingerti's and touched them to the saint+s 'icture, and she hurried home to write !ilton the good news% ,Jeah, sure,1 my father said when he got the letter% ,&t% 6hristo'her to the rescue%1 7e sli''ed the letter into his -reek/?nglish dictionary and carried both to the incinerator behind the Puonset hut% 84hat was the end of my father+s -reek lessons% 4hough he continued to s'eak -reek to his 'arents, !ilton ne)er succeeded in writing it, and as he got older he began to forget what e)en the sim'lest words meant% In the end he couldn+t say much more than 6ha'ter ?le)en or me, which was almost nothing at all%: !ilton+s sarcasm was understandable under the circumstances% 2nly the day before, his 6%2% had gi)en !ilton a new assignment in the u'coming in)asion% 4he news, like all bad news, hadn+t registered at first% It was as if the 6%2%+s words, the actual syllables he addressed to !ilton, had been scrambled by the boys o)er in Intelligence% !ilton had saluted and walked out% 7e+d continued down to the beach still unaffected, the bad news acting with a kind of discretion, allowing him these last few 'eaceful, deluded moments% 7e watched the sunset% 7e admired a neutral &wit(erland of seals out on the rocks% 7e took off his boots to feel the sand against his feet, as if the world were a 'lace he was only beginning to li)e in instead of somewhere he would soon be lea)ing% =ut then the fissures a''eared% " s'lit in the to' of his skull, through which the bad news hissingly 'oured; a groo)e in his knees, which buckled, and suddenly !ilton couldn+t kee' it out any longer% 4hirty/eight seconds% 4hat was the news% ,&te'hanides, we+re switching you o)er to signalman% 0e'ort to =uilding = at 0#00 hours tomorrow morning% Dismissed%1 4hat was what the 6%2% had said% 2nly that% "nd it was no sur'rise, really% "s the in)asion neared, there had been a sudden rash of inBuries to signalmen% &ignalmen had been cho''ing off fingers doing Q duty% &ignalmen had been shooting themsel)es in the feet while cleaning their guns% In the nighttime drills, signalmen lustily flung themsel)es onto the rocks% 4hirty/eight seconds was the life e3'ectancy of a signalman% Ahen the landing took 'lace, &eaman &te'hanides would stand in the front of the boat% 7e would o'erate a sort of lantern, flashing signals in !orse code% 4his lantern would be bright, clearly )isible to enemy 'ositions onshore% 4hat was what he was thinking about as he stood on the beach with his boots off% 7e was thinking that he would ne)er take o)er his father+s bar% 7e was thinking that he would ne)er see 4essie again% Instead, a few weeks from now, he would stand u' in a boat, e3'osed to hostile fire, holding a bright light% 9or a

1C0

little while, at least% Hot included in the Hews of the Aorld: a shot of my father+s "Q" trans'ort shi' lea)ing 6oronado na)al base, heading west% "t the ?s@uire 4heater, holding her feet off the sticky floor, 4essie Gi(mo watches as white arrows arc across the acific% !he <.". 8a,al !welfth Fleet forges ahead on its in,asion of the Pacific, the announcer says% Final destination= Japan % 2ne arrow starts out in "ustralia, mo)ing through Hew -uinea toward the hili''ines% "nother arrow shoots out from the &olomon Islands and another from the !arianas% 4essie has ne)er heard of these 'laces before% =ut now the arrows continue on, ad)ancing toward other islands she+s ne)er heard of<Iwo Jima, 2kinawa<each flagged with the 0ising &un% 4he arrows con)erge from three directions on Ja'an, which is Bust a bunch of islands itself% "s 4essie is getting the geogra'hy straight, the newsreel breaks into filmed footage% " hand cranks an alarm bell; sailors Bum' out of bunks, double/time it u' stairways, assuming battle stations% "nd then there he is<!ilton<running across the deck of the shi'> 4essie recogni(es his skinny chest, his raccoon eyes% &he forgets about the floor and 'uts her feet down% In the newsreel the destroyer+s guns fire without sound and, half a world away, amid the elegance of an old/fashioned cinema, 4essie Gi(mo feels the recoils% 4he theater is about half/full, mostly with young women like her% 4hey, too, are snacking on candies for emotional reasons; they, too, are searching the grainy newsreel for the faces of fiancIs% 4he air smells of 4ootsie o's and 'erfume and of the cigarette the usher is smoking in the lobby% !ost of the time the war is an abstract e)ent, ha''ening somewhere else% 2nly here, for four or fi)e minutes, s@uee(ed between the cartoon and the feature, does it become concrete% !aybe the blurring of identity, the mob release, has an effect on 4essie, ins'iring the kind of hysteria &inatra does% Ahate)er the reason, in the bedroom light of the mo)ie theater 4essie Gi(mo allows herself to remember things she+s been trying to forget: a clarinet nosing its way u' her bare leg like an in)ading force itself, tracing an arrow to her own island em'ire, an em'ire which, she reali(es at that moment, she is gi)ing u' to the wrong man% Ahile the flickering beam of the mo)ie 'roBector slants through the darkness o)er her head, 4essie admits to herself that she doesn+t want to marry !ichael "ntoniou% &he doesn+t want to be a 'riest+s wife or mo)e to -reece% "s she ga(es at !ilton in the newsreel, her eyes fill with tears and she says out loud, ,4here was nowhere I could go that wouldn+t be you%1 "nd while 'eo'le shush her, the sailor in the newsreel a''roaches the camera< and 4essie reali(es that it isn+t !ilton% It doesn+t matter, howe)er% &he has seen what she has seen% &he gets u' to lea)e% 2n 7urlbut &treet that same afternoon, Desdemona was lying in bed% &he had been there for the last three days, e)er since the mailman had deli)ered another letter from !ilton% 4he letter wasn+t in -reek but ?nglish and *efty had to translate:
Dear folks, 4his is the last letter I+ll be able to send you% 8&orry for not writing in the nati)e tongue, ma, but I+m a little busy at the moment%: 4he brass won+t let me say much about what+s going on, but I Bust wanted to dro' you this note to tell you not to worry about me% I+m headed to a safe 'lace% Qee' the bar in good sha'e, o'% 4his war+ll be o)er some day and I want in on the family business% 4ell Go to stay out of my room% *o)e and laughs, Milt

1C1

;nlike the 're)ious letters, this one arri)ed intact% Hot a single hole anywhere% "t first this had cheered Desdemona until she reali(ed what it im'lied% 4here was no need for secrecy anymore% 4he in)asion was already under way% "t that 'oint, Desdemona stood u' from the kitchen table and, with a look of trium'hant desolation, made a gra)e 'ronouncement: ,-od has brought the Budgment down on us that we deser)e,1 she said% &he went into the li)ing room, where she straightened a sofa cushion in 'assing, and climbed the stairs to the bedroom% 4here she undressed and 'ut on her nightgown, e)en though it was only ten in the morning% "nd then, for the first time since being 'regnant with GoF and the last time before climbing in fore)er twenty/fi)e years later, my grandmother took to her bed% 9or three days she had stayed there, getting u' only to go to the bathroom% !y grandfather had tried in )ain to coa3 her out% Ahen he left for work the third morning, he had brought u' some food, a dish of white beans in tomato sauce and bread% 4he meal was still lying untouched on the bedside table when there came a knock at the front door% Desdemona did not get u' to answer it but only 'ulled a 'illow o)er her face% Des'ite this muffling, she heard the knocking continue% " little later, the front door o'ened, and finally footste's made their way u' the stairs and into her room% ,"unt DesD1 4essie said% Desdemona did not mo)e% ,I+)e got something to tell you,1 4essie continued% ,I wanted you to be the first to know%1 4he figure in the bed remained motionless% &till, the alertness that had sei(ed Desdemona+s body told 4essie that she was awake and listening% 4essie took a breath and announced, ,I+m going to call off the wedding%1 4here was a silence% &lowly Desdemona 'ulled the 'illow off her face% &he reached for her glasses on the bedside table, 'ut them on, and sat u' in bed% ,Jou don+t want to marry !ikeyD1 ,Ho%1 ,!ikey is a good -reek boy%1 ,I know he is% =ut I don+t lo)e him% I lo)e !ilton%1 4essie e3'ected Desdemona to react with shock or outrage, but to her sur'rise my grandmother barely seemed to register the confession% ,Jou don+t know this, but !ilton asked me to marry him a while ago% I said no% How I+m going to write him and say yes%1 Desdemona ga)e a little shrug% ,Jou can write what you want, honey mou % !iltie he won+t get it%1 ,It+s not illegal or anything% 9irst cousins can marry e)en% Ae+re only second cousins% !ilton went and looked u' all the statutes%1 2nce again Desdemona shrugged% Drained by worry, abandoned by &t% 6hristo'her, she sto''ed fighting an e)entuality that had ne)er been fated in the first 'lace% ,If you and !iltie want to get married, you ha)e my blessing,1 she said% 4hen, ha)ing gi)en her benediction, she settled back into her 'illows and closed her eyes to the 'ain of li)ing% ,"nd may -od grant that you ne)er ha)e a child who dies in the ocean%1 In my family, the funeral meats ha)e always furnished the wedding tables% !y

1CC

grandmother agreed to marry my grandfather because she ne)er thought she+d li)e to see the wedding% "nd my grandmother blessed my 'arents+ marriage, after )igorously 'lotting against it, only because she didn+t think !ilton would sur)i)e to the end of the week% "t sea, my father didn+t think so either% &tanding at the bow of the trans'ort shi', he stared out o)er the water at his fast/a''roaching end% 7e wasn+t tem'ted to 'ray or to settle his accounts with -od% 7e 'ercei)ed the infinite before him but didn+t warm it u' with human wishing% 4he infinite was as )ast and cold as the ocean s'reading around the shi', and in all that em'tiness what !ilton felt most acutely was the reality of his own bu((ing mind% &omewhere out o)er the water was the bullet that would end his life% !aybe it was already loaded in the Ja'anese gun from which it would be fired; maybe it was in an ammunition roll% 7e was twenty/one, oily/skinned, 'rominent about the "dam+s a''le% It occurred to him that he had been stu'id to run off to war because of a girl, but then he took this back, because it wasn+t Bust some girl; it was 4heodora% "s her face a''eared in !ilton+s mind, a sailor ta''ed him on the back% ,Aho do you know in AashingtonD1 7e handed my father a transfer, effecti)e immediately% 7e was to re'ort to the Ha)al "cademy at "nna'olis% 2n the admissions test, !ilton had scored a ninety/eight% ?)ery -reek drama needs a deus e3 machina% !ine comes in the form of the bosun+s chair that 'icked my father off the deck of the "Q" trans'ort shi' and whisked him through the air to de'osit him on the deck of a destroyer heading back to the ;%&% mainland% 9rom &an 9rancisco he tra)eled by elegant ullman car to "nna'olis, where he was enrolled as a cadet% ,I tell you &t% 6hristo'her get you out of the war,1 Desdemona e3ulted when he called home with the news% ,7e sure did%1 ,How you ha)e to fi3 the church%1 ,AhatD1 ,4he church% Jou ha)e to fi3 it%1 ,&ure, sure,1 Ha)al 6adet &te'hanides said, and maybe he e)en intended to% 7e was grateful to be ali)e and to ha)e his future back% =ut with one thing or another, !ilton would 'ut off his tri' to =ithynios% Aithin a year+s time he was married; later, he was a father% 4he war ended% 7e graduated from "nna'olis and ser)ed in the Qorean Aar% ?)entually he returned to Detroit and went into the family business% 9rom time to time Desdemona would remind her son about his outstanding obligation to &t% 6hristo'her, but my father always found an e3cuse for not fulfilling it% 7is 'rocrastination would ha)e disastrous effects, if you belie)e in that sort of thing, which, some days, when the old -reek blood is running high, I do% !y 'arents were married in June of 19$6% In a show of generosity, !ichael "ntoniou attended the wedding% "n ordained 'riest now, he 'resented a dignified, bene)olent figure, but by the second hour of the rece'tion it was clear he was crushed% 7e drank too much cham'agne at dinner and, when the band began 'laying, sought out the ne3t best thing to the bride: the bridesmaid, GoF &te'hanides% GoF looked down at him<about a foot% 7e asked her to dance% 4he ne3t thing she knew, they had started off across the ballroom floor% ,4essie told me a lot about you in her letters,1 said !ichael "ntoniou% ,Hothing too bad, I ho'e%1 ,Just the o''osite% &he told me what a good 6hristian you are%1

1CE

7is long robe concealed his small feet, making it difficult for GoF to follow% Hearby, 4essie was dancing with !ilton in his white na)al uniform% "s the cou'les 'assed each other, GoF glared comically at 4essie and mouthed the words, ,I+m going to kill you%1 =ut then !ilton twirled 4essie around and the two ri)als came face/to/face% ,7ey there, !ike,1 said !ilton cordially% ,It+s 9ather !ike now,1 said the )an@uished suitor% ,-ot a 'romotion, ehD 6ongratulations% I guess I can trust you with my sister%1 7e danced away with 4essie, who looked back in silent a'ology% GoF, who knew how infuriating her brother could be, felt sorry for 9ather !ike% &he suggested they get some wedding cake%

Ex Ovo Omnia
&o, to reca': &ourmelina Gi(mo 8nIe a'adiamando'oulos: wasn+t only my first cousin twice remo)ed% &he was also my grandmother% !y father was his own mother+s 8and father+s: ne'hew% In addition to being my grand'arents, Desdemona and *efty were my great/aunt and <uncle% !y 'arents would be my second cousins once remo)ed and 6ha'ter ?le)en would be my third cousin as well as my brother% 4he &te'hanides family tree, diagrammed in Dr% *uce+s ,"utosomal 4ransmission of 0ecessi)e 4raits,1 goes into more detail than I think you would care to know about% I+)e concentrated only on the gene+s last few transmissions% "nd now we+re almost there% In honor of !iss =arrie, my eighth/grade *atin teacher, I+d like to call attention to the @uotation abo)e: e> o,o omnia % -etting to my feet 8as we did whene)er !iss =arrie entered the room:, I hear her ask, ,InfantsD 6an any of you translate this little sni''et and gi)e its 'ro)enanceD1 I raise my hand% ,6allio'e, our muse, will start us off%1 ,It+s from 2)id% Metamorphoses % 4he story of creation%1 ,&tunning% "nd can you render it into ?nglish for usD1 ,?)erything comes out of an egg%1 ,Did you hear that, infantsD 4his classroom, your bright faces, e)en dear old 6icero on my desk<they all came out of an egg>1

***
"mong the arcana Dr% hilobosian im'arted to the dinner table o)er the years 8aside from the monstrous effects of maternal imagination: was the se)enteenth/century theory of reformation% 4he reformationists, with their roller/coaster names< &'alla(ani, &wammerdam, *eeuwenhoek<belie)ed that all of humankind had e3isted in miniature since 6reation, in either the semen of "dam or the o)ary of ?)e, each 'erson tucked inside the ne3t like a 0ussian nesting doll% It all started when Jan &wammerdam used a scal'el to 'eel away the outer layers of a certain insect% Ahat kindD Aell K a

1C$

member of the 'hylum "rthro'oda% *atin nameD 2kay, then: om$y> mori % 4he insect &wammerdam used in his e3'eriments back in 1669 was nothing other than a silkworm% =efore an audience of intellectuals, &wammerdam cut away the skin of the silkworm to re)eal what a''eared to be a tiny model of the future moth inside, from 'roboscis to antennae to folded wings% 4he theory of reformation was born% In the same way, I like to imagine my brother and me, floating together since the world+s beginning on our raft of eggs% ?ach inside a trans'arent membrane, each slotted for his or her 8in my case both: hour of birth% 4here+s 6ha'ter ?le)en, always so 'asty, and bald by the age of twenty/three, so that he makes a 'erfect homunculus% 7is 'ronounced cranium indicates his future deftness with mathematics and mechanical things% 7is unhealthy 'allor suggests his coming 6rohn+s disease% 0ight ne3t to him, there+s me, his sometime sister, my face already a conundrum, flashing like a lenticular decal between two images: the dark/eyed, 'retty little girl I used to be; and the se)ere, a@uiline/nosed, 0oman/coinish 'erson I am today% "nd so we drifted, the two of us, since the world began, awaiting our cues and obser)ing the 'assing show% 9or instance: !ilton &te'hanides graduating from "nna'olis in 19$9% 7is white hat flying u' into the air% 7e and 4essie were stationed at earl 7arbor, where they li)ed in austere marital housing and where my mother, at twenty/fi)e, got a terrible sunburn and was ne)er seen in a bathing suit again% In 19.1 they were transferred to Horfolk, Oirginia, at which 'oint 6ha'ter ?le)en+s egg sac ne3t door to mine began to )ibrate% He)ertheless, he stuck around to watch the Qorean conflict, where ?nsign &te'hanides ser)ed on a submarine chaser% Ae watched !ilton+s adult character forming during those years, taking on the no/nonsense attributes of our future father% 4he ;%&% Ha)y was res'onsible for the 'recision with which !ilton &te'hanides e)er after 'arted his hair, his habit of 'olishing his belt buckle with his shirt slee)e, his ,yes, sir1s and ,shi'sha'e1s, and his insistence on making us synchroni(e our watches at the mall% ;nder the brass eagle and fasces of his ensign+s ca', !ilton &te'hanides left the =oy &couts behind% 4he Ha)y ga)e him his lo)e of sailing and his a)ersion to waiting in lines% ?)en then his 'olitics were being formed, his anti/communism, his distrust of the 0ussians% orts of call in "frica and &outheast "sia were already forging his beliefs about racial IP le)els% 9rom the social snubs of his commanding officers, he was 'icking u' his hatred of ?astern liberals and the I)y *eague at the same time as he was falling in lo)e with =rooks =rothers clothing% 7is taste for tasseled loafers and seersucker shorts was see'ing into him% Ae knew all this about our father before we were born and then we forgot it and had to learn it all o)er again% Ahen the Qorean Aar ended in 19.E, !ilton was stationed again in Horfolk% "nd in !arch of 19.$, as my father weighed his future, 6ha'ter ?le)en, with a little wa)e of farewell to me, raised his arms and tra)eled down the waterslide into the world% "nd I was all alone% ?)ents in the years before my birth: after dancing with GoF at my 'arents+ wedding, 9ather !ike 'ursued her doggedly for the ne3t two and a half years% GoF didn+t like the idea of marrying someone either so religious or so diminuti)e% 9ather !ike 'ro'osed to her three times and in each case she refused, waiting for someone better to come along% =ut no one did% 9inally, feeling that she had no alternati)e 8and coa3ed by Desdemona, who still thought it was a wonderful thing to marry a 'riest:, GoF ga)e in% In 19$9, she married 9ather !ike and soon they went off to li)e in -reece% 4here she would gi)e birth to four children, my cousins, and remain for the ne3t eight years%

1C.

In Detroit, in 19.0, the =lack =ottom ghetto was bulldo(ed to 'ut in a freeway% 4he Hation of Islam, now head@uartered at 4em'le Ho% C in 6hicago, got a new minister by the name of !alcolm ]% During the winter of 19.$, Desdemona first began to talk of retiring to 9lorida someday% ,4hey ha)e a city in 9lorida you know what it is calledD Hew &myrna =each>1 In 19.6, the last streetcar sto''ed running in Detroit and the ackard 'lant closed% "nd that same year, !ilton &te'hanides, tired of military life, left the Ha)y and returned home to 'ursue an old dream% ,Do something else,1 *efty &te'hanides told his son% 4hey were in the Gebra 0oom, drinking coffee% ,Jou go to the Ha)al "cademy to be a bartenderD1 ,I don+t want to be a bartender% I want to run a restaurant% " whole chain% 4his is a good 'lace to start%1 *efty shook his head% 7e leaned back and s'read his arms, taking in the whole bar% ,4his is no 'lace to start anything,1 he said% 7e had a 'oint% Des'ite my grandfather+s assiduous drink/refilling and counter/wi'ing, the bar on ingree &treet had lost its luster% 4he old (ebra skin, which he still had on the wall, had dried out and cracked% 6igarette smoke had dirtied the diamond sha'es of the tin ceiling% 2)er the years the Gebra 0oom had absorbed the e3halations of its auto worker 'atrons% 4he 'lace smelled of their beer and hair tonic, their 'unch/clock misery, their frayed ner)es, their trade unionism% 4he neighborhood was also changing% Ahen my grandfather had o'ened the bar in 19EE, the area had been white and middle/class% How it was becoming 'oorer, and 'redominantly black% In the ine)itable chain of cause and effect, as soon as the first black family had mo)ed onto the block, the white neighbors immediately 'ut their houses u' for sale% 4he o)ersu''ly of houses de'ressed the real estate 'rices, which allowed 'oorer 'eo'le to mo)e in, and with 'o)erty came crime, and with crime came more mo)ing )ans% ,=usiness isn+t so good anymore,1 *efty said% ,If you want to o'en a bar, try -reektown% 2r =irmingham%1 !y father wa)ed these obBections aside% ,=ar business isn+t so good maybe,1 he said% ,4hat+s because there+s too many bars around here% 4oo much com'etition% Ahat this neighborhood needs is a decent diner%1 7ercules 7ot Dogs^, which at its height would boast si3ty/si3 locations throughout !ichigan, 2hio, and southeastern 9lorida<each restaurant identified by the distincti)e , illars of 7ercules1 out front<could be said to ha)e begun on the snowy 9ebruary morning in 19.6 when my father arri)ed at the Gebra 0oom to begin reno)ations% 4he first thing he did was to remo)e the sagging )enetian blinds from the front windows to let in more light% 7e 'ainted the interior a bright white% Aith a -%I% business loan, he had the bar remodeled into a diner counter and had a small kitchen installed% Aorkmen 'ut red )inyl booths along the far wall and reu'holstered the old barstools with Gi(mo+s (ebra skin% 2ne morning two deli)erymen carried a Bukebo3 in the front door% "nd while hammers 'ounded and sawdust filled the air, !ilton ac@uainted himself with the 'a'ers and deeds *efty had ha'ha(ardly ke't in a cigar bo3 beneath the register% ,Ahat the hell is thisD1 he asked his father% ,Jou+)e got three insurance 'olicies on this 'lace%1 ,Jou can ne)er ha)e too much insurance,1 *efty said% ,&ometimes the com'anies don+t 'ay% =etter to be sure%1 ,&ureD ?ach one of these is for more than this 'lace is worth% Ae+re 'aying on all theseD 4hat+s a waste of money%1

1C6

;' until this 'oint, *efty had let his son make whate)er changes he wanted% =ut now he stood firm% ,*isten to me, !ilton% Jou ha)en+t li)ed through a fire% Jou don+t know what ha''ens% &ometimes in a fire the insurance com'any burns down, too% 4hen what can you doD1 ,=ut three<, ,Ae need three,1 insisted *efty% ,Just humor him,1 4essie told !ilton later that night% ,Jour 'arents ha)e been through a lot%1 ,&ure they+)e been through a lot% =ut we+re the ones who ha)e to kee' 'aying these 'remiums%1 He)ertheless, he did as his wife said and maintained all three 'olicies% 4he Gebra 0oom I remember as a kid: it was full of artificial flowers, yellow tuli's, red roses, dwarf trees bearing wa3 a''les% lastic daisies s'routed from tea'ots; daffodils eru'ted from ceramic cows% hotos of "rtie &haw and =ing 6rosby adorned the wall, ne3t to hand/'ainted signs that said enBoy a nice lime rickey> and our french toast is the toast of the town> 4here were 'hotos of !ilton 'utting a finishing/touch cherry on a milk shake or kissing someone+s baby like the mayor% 4here were 'hotogra'hs of actual mayors, !iriani and 6a)anaugh% 4he great first baseman "l Qaline, who sto''ed in on his way to 'ractice at 4iger &tadium, had autogra'hed his own head shot: ,4o my 'al !ilt, great eggs>1 Ahen a -reek 2rthodo3 church in 9lint burned down, !ilton dro)e u' and sal)aged one of the sur)i)ing stained glass windows% 7e hung it on the wall o)er the booths% "thena oli)e oil tins lined the front window ne3t to a bust of Doni(etti% ?)erything was hodge'odge: grandmotherly lam's stood ne3t to ?l -reco re'roductions; bull+s horns hung from the neck of an "'hrodite statuette% "bo)e the coffeemaker an assortment of figurines marched along the shelf: aul =unyan and =abe the =lue 23, !ickey !ouse, Geus, and 9eli3 the 6at% !y grandfather, trying to be of hel', dro)e off one day and returned with a stack of fifty 'lates% ,I already ordered 'lates,1 said !ilton% ,9rom a restaurant su''ly 'lace% 4hey+re only charging us 10 'ercent down%1 ,Jou don+t want theseD1 *efty looked disa''ointed% ,2kay% I+ll take them back%1 ,7ey, o',1 his son called after him% ,Ahy don+t you take the day offD I can handle things here%1 ,Jou don+t need hel'D1 ,-o home% 7a)e !a make you lunch%1 *efty did as he was told% =ut as he dro)e down Aest -rand =oule)ard, feeling unneeded, he 'assed 0ubsamen !edical &u''ly<a store with dirty windows and a neon sign that blinked e)en in the day<and felt the stirrings of old tem'tation% 4he following !onday, !ilton o'ened the new diner% 7e o'ened it at si3 in the morning, with a newly hired staff of two, ?leni a'anikolas, in a waitress uniform 'urchased at her own e3'ense, and her husband, Jimmy, as short/order cook% ,0emember, ?leni, you mostly work for ti's,1 !ilton 'e'/talked% ,&o smile%1 ,"t whoD1 asked ?leni% 9or des'ite the red carnations in bud )ases gracing each booth, des'ite the (ebra/stri'ed menus, matchbooks, and na'kins, the Gebra 0oom itself was em'ty% ,&martass,1 !ilton said, grinning% ?leni+s ribbing didn+t bother him% 7e+d worked it all out% 7e+d found a need and filled it% In the interest of time, I offer you now a stock ca'italist montage% Ae see !ilton

1C#

greeting his first customers% Ae see ?leni ser)ing them scrambled eggs% Ae see !ilton and ?leni standing back, biting their li's% =ut now the customers are smiling and nodding> ?leni runs to refill their coffee% He3t !ilton, in different clothes, is greeting more customers; and Jimmy the cook is cracking eggs one/handed; and *efty is looking left out% ,-i)e me two fried whiskey down>1 !ilton shouts, showing off his new lingo% ,Dry white, 65, hold the ice>1 6lose/u' of the cash register ringing o'en and closed; of !ilton+s hands counting money; of *efty 'utting on his hat and lea)ing unnoticed% 4hen more eggs; eggs being cracked, fried, fli''ed, and scrambled; eggs arri)ing in cartons through the back door and coming out on 'lates through the front hatch; fluffy hea's of scrambled eggs in gleaming yellow 4echnicolor; and the cash register banging o'en again; and money 'iling u'% ;ntil, finally, we see !ilton and 4essie, dressed in their best, following a real estate agent through a big house% 4he neighborhood of Indian Oillage lay Bust twel)e blocks west of 7urlbut, but it was a different world altogether% 4he four grand streets of =urns, Iro@uois, &eminole, and "dams 8e)en in Indian Oillage the Ahite !an had taken half the names: were lined with stately houses built in eclectic styles% 0ed/brick -eorgian rose ne3t to ?nglish 4udor, which ga)e onto 9rench ro)incial% 4he houses in Indian Oillage had big yards, im'ortant walkways, 'ictures@uely o3idi(ing cu'olas, lawn Bockeys 8whose days were numbered:, and burglar alarms 8whose 'o'ularity was only Bust beginning:% !y grandfather remained silent, howe)er, as he toured his son+s im'ressi)e new home% ,7ow do you like the si(e of this li)ing roomD1 !ilton was asking him% ,7ere, sit down% !ake yourself comfortable% 4essie and I want you and !a to feel like this is your house, too% How that you+re retired<, ,Ahat do you mean retiredD1 ,2kay, semiretired% How that you can take it a little bit easy, you+ll be able to do all the things you always wanted to do% *ook, in here+s the library% Jou want to come o)er and work on your translations, you can do it right here% 7ow about that tableD =ig enough for youD "nd the shel)es are built right into the wall%1 ushed out of the daily o'erations at the Gebra 0oom, my grandfather began to s'end his days dri)ing around the city% 7e dro)e downtown to the ublic *ibrary to read the foreign news'a'ers% "fterward, he sto''ed to 'lay backgammon at a coffee house in -reektown% "t fifty/four, *efty &te'hanides was still in good sha'e% 7e walked three miles a day for e3ercise% 7e ate sensibly and had less of a belly than his son% He)ertheless, time was making its ine)itable de'redations% *efty had to wear bifocals now% 7e had a touch of bursitis in his shoulder% 7is clothes had gone out of style, so that he looked like an e3tra in a gangster mo)ie% 2ne day, a''raising himself with se)erity in the bathroom mirror, *efty reali(ed that he had become one of those older men who slicked their hair back in allegiance to an era no one could remember% De'ressed by this fact, *efty gathered u' his books% 7e dro)e o)er to &eminole, intending to use the library, but when he got to the house he ke't on going% Aith a wild look in his eyes, he headed instead for 0ubsamen !edical &u''ly% 2nce you+)e )isited the underworld, you ne)er forget the way back% 9ore)er after, you+re able to s'ot the red light in the u'stairs window or the cham'agne glass on the door that doesn+t o'en until midnight% 9or years now, dri)ing 'ast 0ubsamen !edical &u''ly, my grandfather had noticed the unchanging window dis'lay of hernia truss, neck brace, and crutches% 7e+d seen the des'erate, cra(ily ho'eful faces of the Hegro men and women who went in and out without buying a thing% !y grandfather recogni(ed that des'eration and knew that now, in his forced retirement, this was the

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'lace for him% 0oulette wheels s'un behind *efty+s eyes as he s'ed toward the Aest &ide% 4he clicking of backgammon dice filled his ears as he 'ressed the accelerator% 7is blood grew hot with an old e3citement, a @uickening of the 'ulse he hadn+t felt since descending the mountain to e3'lore the back streets of =ursa% 7e 'arked at the curb and hurried inside% 7e walked 'ast the startled customers 8who weren+t used to seeing white 'eo'le:; he strode 'ast the 'ro's of as'irin bottles, corn 'lasters, and la3ati)es, and went u' to the 'harmacist+s window in the rear% ,6an I hel' youD1 the 'harmacist asked% ,4wenty/two,1 said *efty% ,Jou got it%1 4rying to reclaim the drama of his gambling days, my grandfather started 'laying the Aest &ide numbers% 7e started small% *ittle bets of two or three dollars% "fter a few weeks, to recou' his losses, he went u' to ten bucks% ?)ery day he wagered a 'iece of the new 'rofits from the restaurant% 2ne day he won and so went double or nothing the ne3t, and lost% "mid hot/water bottles and enema bags, he 'laced his bets% &urrounded by cough medicine and cold sore ointment, he started 'laying a ,gig,1 meaning three numbers at once% "s they had in =ursa, his 'ockets filled u' with scra's of 'a'er% 7e wrote out lists of the numbers he 'layed along with the dates, so as not to re'eat any% 7e 'layed !ilton+s birthday, Desdemona+s birthday, the date of -reek Inde'endence minus the last digit, the year of the burning of &myrna% Desdemona, finding the scra's in the wash, thought they had to do with the new restaurant% ,!y husband the millionaire,1 she said, dreaming of 9lorida retirement% 9or the first time e)er, *efty consulted Desdemona+s dream book, in the ho'e of calculating a winning number on the abacus of his unconscious% 7e became alert to the integers that a''eared in his dreams% !any of the Hegroes who fre@uented 0ubsamen+s !edical &u''ly noticed my grandfather+s 'reoccu'ation with the dream book, and after he won for two weeks in a row, word s'read% 4his led to the only contribution -reeks ha)e e)er made to "frican "merican culture 8aside from the wearing of gold medallions: as the blacks of Detroit began to buy dream books themsel)es% 4he "tlantis ublishing 6om'any translated the books into ?nglish and shi''ed them to maBor cities all o)er "merica% 9or a short time elderly colored women began to hold the same su'erstitions my grandmother did, belie)ing, for instance, that a running rabbit meant you were coming into money or that a black bird on a tele'hone line augured that somebody was about to die% ,4aking that money to the bankD1 !ilton asked, seeing his father em'ty the cash register% ,Jes, to the bank%1 "nd *efty did go to the bank% 7e went to withdraw money from his sa)ings account, in order to continue his steady assault on all nine hundred and ninety/nine 'ossible 'ermutations of a three/digit )ariable% Ahene)er he lost, he felt awful% 7e wanted to sto'% 7e wanted to go home and confess to Desdemona% 4he only antidote to this feeling, howe)er, was the 'ros'ect of winning the ne3t day% It+s 'ossible that a hint of self/destructi)eness 'layed a 'art in my grandfather+s numbers/'laying% 9ull of sur)i)or+s guilt, he was surrendering himself to the random forces of the uni)erse, trying to 'unish himself for still being ali)e% =ut, mostly, gambling Bust filled his em'ty days% I alone, from the 'ri)ate bo3 of my 'rimordial egg, saw what was going on% !ilton was too busy running the diner to notice% 4essie was too busy taking care of 6ha'ter ?le)en to notice% &ourmelina might ha)e noticed something, but she didn+t

1C9

make many a''earances at our house during those years% In 19.E, at a 4heoso'hical &ociety meeting, "unt *ina had met a woman named !rs% ?)elyn Aatson% !rs% Aatson had been attracted to the 4heoso'hical &ociety by the ho'e of contacting her deceased husband, but soon lost interest in communicating with the s'irit world in fa)or of whis'ering with &ourmelina in the flesh% Aith shocking s'eed, "unt *ina had @uit her Bob at the florist+s sho' and mo)ed down to the &outhwest with !rs% Aatson% ?)ery 6hristmas since, she sent my 'arents a gift bo3 containing hot sauce, a flowering cactus, and a 'hotogra'h of !rs% Aatson and herself in front of some national monument% 82ne sur)i)ing 'hoto shows the cou'le in an "nasa(i ceremonial ca)e at =andelier, !rs% Aatson looking as wisely lined as -eorgia 2+Qeeffe while *ina, in a tremendous sunhat, descends a ladder into a ki)a%: "s for Desdemona, during the mid/to/late fifties she was e3'eriencing a brief and com'letely uncharacteristic s'ell of contentment% 7er son had returned unhurt from another war% 8&t% 6hristo'her had ke't his word during the ,'olice action1 in Qorea and !ilton hadn+t been so much as fired on%: 7er daughter/in/law+s 'regnancy had caused the usual an3iety, of course, but 6ha'ter ?le)en had been born healthy% 4he restaurant was doing well% ?)ery week family and friends gathered at !ilton+s new house in Indian Oillage for &unday dinner% 2ne day Desdemona recei)ed a brochure from the Hew &myrna =each 6hamber of 6ommerce, which she had sent away for% It didn+t look like &myrna at all, but at least it was sunny, and there were fruit stands% !eanwhile, my grandfather was feeling lucky% 7a)ing 'layed at least one number e)ery day for a little o)er two years, he had now bet on e)ery number from 1 to #$0% 2nly 1.9 numbers to go to reach 999> 4hen whatD Ahat elseD<start o)er% =ank tellers handed rolls of money to *efty, which he in turn handed to the 'harmacist behind the window% 7e 'layed #$1, #$C, and #$E% 7e 'layed #$$, #$., and #$6% "nd then one morning the bank teller informed *efty that there weren+t sufficient funds in his account to make a withdrawal% 4he teller showed him his balance: _1E%C6% !y grandfather thanked the teller% 7e crossed the bank lobby, adBusting his tie% 7e felt suddenly di((y% 4he gambling fe)er he+d had for twenty/si3 months broke, sending a last wa)e of heat o)er his skin, and suddenly his entire body was dri''ing wet% !o''ing his brow, *efty walked out of the bank into his 'enniless old age% 4he ears'litting cry my grandmother let out when she learned of the disaster cannot be done Bustice in 'rint% 4he shriek went on and on, as she tore her hair and rent her garments and colla'sed onto the floor% ,72A AI** A? ?"4>1 Desdemona wailed, staggering around the kitchen% ,A7?0? AI** A? *IO?>1 &he s'read her arms, a''ealing to -od, then beat on her chest, and finally took hold of her left slee)e and ri''ed it off% ,A7"4 QIHD 29 7;&="HD "0? J2; 42 D2 47I& 42 J2;0 AI9? A72 622Q?D "HD 6*?"H?D 920 J2; "HD -"O? J2; 67I*D0?H "HD H?O?0 62! *"IH?D>1 How she tore off her right slee)e% ,DIDH+4 I 4?** J2; H24 42 -"!=*?D DIDH+4 ID1 &he started on her dress 'ro'er now% &he took the hem in her hands, as ancient Hear ?astern ululations issued from her throat% ,2;*2;*2;*2;*2;*2;*2;> 2;*2;*2;*2;*2;*2;*2;>1 !y grandfather watched in astonishment as his modest wife shredded her clothing before his eyes, the skirt of the dress, the waist, the bosom, the neckline% Aith a final ri', the dress s'lit in two and Desdemona lay on the linoleum, e3'osing to the world the misery of her underwear, her o)erburdened underwire brassiere, her gloomy under'ants, and the frantic girdle whose stays she was e)en now 'o''ing as she a''roached the summit of her dishe)elment% =ut at last she sto''ed% =efore she was com'letely naked,

1E0

Desdemona fell back as though de'leted% &he 'ulled off her hairnet and her hair s'illed out to co)er her and she closed her eyes, s'ent% In the ne3t moment, she said in a 'ractical tone, ,How we ha)e to mo)e in with !ilton%1 4hree weeks later, in 2ctober 19.5, my grand'arents mo)ed out of 7urlbut, one year before they would ha)e 'aid off the mortgage% 2)er a warm Indian summer weekend, my father and dishonored grandfather carried furniture outside for the yard sale, the sea/foam/green sofa and armchairs, which still looked brand/new beneath 'lastic sli'co)ers, the kitchen table, the bookcases% *am's were set out on the grass along with !ilton+s old =oy &cout manuals, GoF+s dolls and ta' shoes, a framed 'hotogra'h of atriarch "thenagoras, and a closetful of *efty+s suits, which my grandmother forced him to sell as 'unishment% 7air safely restored beneath her hairnet, Desdemona glowered around the yard, submerged in a des'air too dee' for tears% &he e3amined each obBect, sighing audibly before affi3ing a 'rice tag, and scolded her husband for trying to carry things too hea)y for him% ,Do you think you+re youngD *et !ilton do it% Jou+re an old man%1 ;nder one arm she held the silkworm bo3, which wasn+t for sale% Ahen she saw the 'ortrait of the atriarch, she gas'ed in horror% ,Ae don+t ha)e bad luck enough you want to sell the atriarchD1 &he snatched it u' and carried it inside% 9or the rest of the day she remained in the kitchen, unable to watch the miscellaneous horde of yard sale sca)engers 'ick o)er her 'ersonal 'ossessions% 4here were weekend anti@uers from the suburbs who brought their dogs along, and families down on their luck who ro'ed chairs to the roofs of battered cars, and discriminating male cou'les who turned e)erything o)er to search for trademarks on the bottom% Desdemona would ha)e felt no more ashamed had she herself been for sale, dis'layed naked on the green sofa, a 'rice tag hanging from her foot% Ahen e)erything had been sold or gi)en away, !ilton dro)e my grand'arents+ remaining belongings in a rented truck the twel)e blocks to &eminole% In order to gi)e them 'ri)acy, my grand'arents were offered the attic% 0isking inBury, my father and Jimmy a'anikolas carried e)erything u' the secret stairway behind the wall'a'ered door% ;' into the 'eaked s'ace they carted my grand'arents+ disassembled bed, the leather ottoman, the brass coffee table, and *efty+s rebetika records% 4rying to make u' with his wife, my grandfather brought home the first of the many 'arakeets my grand'arents would ha)e o)er the years, and gradually, li)ing on to' of us all, Desdemona and *efty made their ne3t/to/last home together% 9or the ne3t nine years, Desdemona com'lained of the cram'ed @uarters and of the 'ain in her legs when she descended the stairs; but e)ery time my father offered to mo)e her downstairs, she refused% In my o'inion, she enBoyed the attic because the )ertigo of li)ing u' there reminded her of !ount 2lym'us% 4he dormer window 'ro)ided a good )iew 8not of sultans+ tombs but of the ?dison factory:, and when she left the window o'en, the wind blew through as it used to do in =ithynios% ;' in the attic, Desdemona and *efty came back to where they started% "s does my story% =ecause now 6ha'ter ?le)en, my fi)e/year/old brother, and Jimmy a'anikolas are each holding a red egg% Dyed the color of the blood of 6hrist, more eggs fill a bowl on the dining room table% 0ed eggs are lined along the mantel% 4hey hang in string 'ouches o)er doorways% Geus liberated all li)ing things from an egg% E> o,o omnia % 4he white flew u' to become the sky, the yolk descended into earth% "nd on -reek ?aster, we still 'lay the egg/cracking game% Jimmy a'anikolas holds his egg out, 'assi)e, as 6ha'ter ?le)en

1E1

rams his egg against it% "lways only one egg cracks% ,I win>1 shouts 6ha'ter ?le)en% How !ilton selects an egg from the bowl% ,4his looks like a good one% =uilt like a =rinks truck%1 7e holds it out% 6ha'ter ?le)en 're'ares to ram it% =ut before anything ha''ens, my mother ta's my father on the back% &he has a thermometer in her mouth% "s dinner dishes are cleared from the table downstairs, my 'arents ascend hand in hand to their bedroom% "s Desdemona cracks her egg against *efty+s, my 'arents shuck off a strict minimum of clothing% "s &ourmelina, back from Hew !e3ico for the holidays, 'lays the egg game with !rs% Aatson, my father lets out a small groan, rolls sideways off my mother, and declares, ,4hat should do it%1 4he bedroom grows still% Inside my mother, a billion s'erm swim u'stream, males in the lead% 4hey carry not only instructions about eye color, height, nose sha'e, en(yme 'roduction, micro'hage resistance, but a story, too% "gainst a black background they swim, a long white silken thread s'inning itself out% 4he thread began on a day two hundred and fifty years ago, when the biology gods, for their own amusement, monkeyed with a gene on a baby+s fifth chromosome% 4hat baby 'assed the mutation on to her son, who 'assed it on to his two daughters, who 'assed it on to three of their children 8my great/great/greats, etc%:, until finally it ended u' in the bodies of my grand'arents% 7itching a ride, the gene descended a mountain and left a )illage behind% It got tra''ed in a burning city and esca'ed, s'eaking bad 9rench% 6rossing the ocean, it faked a romance, circled a shi'+s deck, and made lo)e in a lifeboat% It had its braids cut off% It took a train to Detroit and mo)ed into a house on 7urlbut; it consulted dream books and o'ened an underground s'eakeasy; it got a Bob at 4em'le Ho% 1 K "nd then the gene mo)ed on again, into new bodies K It Boined the =oy &couts and 'ainted its toenails red; it 'layed ,=egin the =eguine1 out the back window; it went off to war and stayed at home, watching newsreels; it took an entrance e3am; 'osed like the mo)ie maga(ines; recei)ed a death sentence and made a deal with &t% 6hristo'her; it dated a future 'riest and broke off an engagement; it was sa)ed by a bosun+s chair K always mo)ing ahead, rushing along, only a few more cur)es left in the track now, "nna'olis and a submarine chaser K until the biology gods knew this was their time, this was what they+d been waiting for, and as a s'oon swung and a yia yia worried, my destiny fell into 'lace K 2n !arch C0, 19.$, 6ha'ter ?le)en arri)ed and the biology gods shook their heads, no'e, sorry K =ut there was still time, e)erything was in 'lace, the roller coaster was in free fall and there was no sto''ing it now, my father was seeing )isions of little girls and my mother was 'raying to a 6hrist antocrator she didn+t entirely belie)e in, until finally<right this minute><on -reek ?aster, 19.9, it+s about to ha''en% 4he gene is about to meet its twin% "s s'erm meets egg, I feel a Bolt% 4here+s a loud sound, a sonic boom as my world cracks% I feel myself shift, already losing bits of my 'renatal omniscience, tumbling toward the blank slate of 'ersonhood% 8Aith the shred of all/knowingness I ha)e left, I see my grandfather, *efty &te'hanides, on the night of my birth nine months from now, turning a demitasse cu' u'side down on a saucer% I see his coffee grounds forming a sign as 'ain e3'lodes in his tem'le and he to''les to the floor%: "gain the s'erm rams my ca'sule; and I reali(e I can+t 'ut it off any longer% 4he lease on my terrific little a'artment is finally u' and I+m being e)icted% &o I raise one fist 8male/ty'ically: and begin to beat on the walls of my eggshell until it cracks% 4hen, sli''ery as a yolk, I di)e headfirst into the world% ,I+m sorry, little baby girl,1 my mother said in bed, touching her belly and already s'eaking to me% ,I wanted it to be more romantic%1

1EC

,Jou want romanticD1 said my father% ,Ahere+s my clarinetD1

Book Three
)ome Movies
!y eyes, switched on at last, saw the following: a nurse reaching out to take me from the doctor; my mother+s trium'hant face, as big as !ount 0ushmore, as she watched me heading for my first bath% 8I said it was im'ossible, but still I remember it%: "lso other things, material and immaterial: the relentless glare of 20 lights; white shoes s@ueaking o)er white floors; a housefly contaminating gau(e; and all around me, u' and down the halls of Aomen+s 7os'ital, indi)idual dramas under way% I could sense the ha''iness of cou'les holding first babies and the fortitude of 6atholics acce'ting their ninth% I could feel one young mother+s disa''ointment at the rea''earance of her husband+s weak chin on the face of her newborn daughter, and a new father+s terror as he calculated the tuition for tri'lets% 2n the floors abo)e Deli)ery, in flowerless rooms, women lay reco)ering from hysterectomies and mastectomies% 4eenage girls with burst o)arian cysts nodded out on mor'hine% It was all around me from the beginning, the weight of female suffering, with its biblical Bustification and )anishing acts% 4he nurse who cleaned me u' was named 0osalee% &he was a 'retty, long/faced woman from the 4ennessee mountains% "fter suctioning the mucus from my nostrils, she ga)e me a shot of )itamin Q to coagulate my blood% Inbreeding is common in "''alachia, as are genetic deformities, but Hurse 0osalee noticed nothing unusual about me% &he was concerned about a 'ur'le s'lotch on my cheek, thinking it was a 'ort/wine stain% It turned out to be 'lacenta, and washed off% Hurse 0osalee carried me back to Dr% hilobosian for an anatomical e3am% &he 'laced me down on the table but ke't one hand on me for security+s sake% &he+d noticed the doctor+s hand tremor during the deli)ery% In 1960, Dr% Hishan hilobosian was se)enty/four% 7e had a camel+s head, droo'ing on its neck, with all the acti)ity in the cheeks% Ahite hair surrounded his otherwise bald head in a nimbus and 'lugged his big ears like cotton% 7is surgeon+s eyeglasses had rectangular lou'es attached% 7e began with my neck, searching for cretinous folds% 7e counted my fingers and toes% 7e ins'ected my 'alate; he noted my !oro refle3 without sur'rise% 7e checked my backside for a sacral tail% 4hen, 'utting me on my back again, he took hold of each of my cur)ed legs and 'ulled them a'art% Ahat did he seeD 4he clean, saltwater mussel of the female genitalia% 4he area inflamed, swollen with hormones% 4hat touch of the baboon all babies ha)e% Dr% hilobosian would ha)e had to 'ull the folds a'art to see any better, but he didn+t% =ecause right at that instant Hurse 0osalee 8for whom the moment was also destiny: accidentally touched his arm% Dr% hil looked u'% resbyo'ic, "rmenian eyes met middle/aged, "''alachian ones% 4he ga(e lingered, then broke away% 9i)e minutes old, and already the themes of my life<chance and se3<announced themsel)es% Hurse

1EE

0osalee blushed% ,=eautiful,1 Dr% hilobosian said, meaning me but looking at his assistant% ," beautiful, healthy girl%1 2n &eminole, the birth celebrations were tem'ered by the 'ros'ect of death% Desdemona had found *efty on our kitchen floor, lying ne3t to his o)erturned coffee cu'% &he knelt beside him and 'ressed an ear to his chest% Ahen she heard no heartbeat, she cried out his name% 7er wail echoed off the kitchen+s hard surfaces: the toaster, the o)en, the refrigerator% 9inally she colla'sed on his chest% In the silence that followed, howe)er, Desdemona felt a strange emotion rising inside her% It s'read in the s'ace between her 'anic and grief% It was like a gas inflating her% &oon her eyes sna''ed o'en as she recogni(ed the emotion: it was ha''iness% 4ears were running down her face, she was already berating -od for taking her husband from her, but on the other side of these 'ro'er emotions was an altogether im'ro'er relief% 4he worst had ha''ened% 4his was it: the worst thing% 9or the first time in her life my grandmother had nothing to worry about% ?motions, in my e3'erience, aren+t co)ered by single words% I don+t belie)e in ,sadness,1 ,Boy,1 or ,regret%1 !aybe the best 'roof that the language is 'atriarchal is that it o)ersim'lifies feeling% I+d like to ha)e at my dis'osal com'licated hybrid emotions, -ermanic train/car constructions like, say, ,the ha''iness that attends disaster%1 2r: ,the disa''ointment of slee'ing with one+s fantasy%1 I+d like to show how ,intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members1 connects with ,the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age%1 I+d like to ha)e a word for ,the sadness ins'ired by failing restaurants1 as well as for ,the e3citement of getting a room with a minibar%1 I+)e ne)er had the right words to describe my life, and now that I+)e entered my story, I need them more than e)er% I can+t Bust sit back and watch from a distance anymore% 9rom here on in, e)erything I+ll tell you is colored by the subBecti)e e3'erience of being 'art of e)ents% 7ere+s where my story s'lits, di)ides, undergoes meiosis% "lready the world feels hea)ier, now I+m a 'art of it% I+m talking about bandages and so''ed cotton, the smell of mildew in mo)ie theaters, and of all the lousy cats and their stinking litter bo3es, of rain on city streets when the dust comes u' and the old Italian men take their folding chairs inside% ;' until now it hasn+t been my world% Hot my "merica% =ut here we are, at last% 4he ha''iness that attends disaster didn+t 'ossess Desdemona for long% " few seconds later she returned her head to her husband+s chest<and heard his heart beating> *efty was rushed to the hos'ital% 4wo days later he regained consciousness% 7is mind was clear, his memory intact% =ut when he tried to ask whether the baby was a boy or a girl, he found he was unable to s'eak% "ccording to Julie Qikuchi, beauty is always freakish% Jesterday, o)er strudel and coffee at 6afI ?instein, she tried to 'ro)e this to me% ,*ook at this model,1 she said, holding u' a fashion maga(ine% ,*ook at her ears% 4hey belong on a !artian%1 &he started fli''ing 'ages% ,2r look at the mouth on this one% Jou could 'ut your whole head in it%1 I was trying to get another ca''uccino% 4he waiters in their "ustrian uniforms ignored me, as they do e)eryone, and outside, the yellow lindens were dri''ing and wee'ing% ,2r what about Jackie 2%D1 said Julie, still ad)ocating% ,7er eyes were so wide/set they were basically on the sides of her head% &he looked like a hammerhead%1 I+m working u' with the foregoing to a 'hysical descri'tion of myself% =aby 'ictures of the infant 6allio'e show a )ariety of features on the freakish side% !y

1E$

'arents, looking fondly down into my crib, got stuck on e)ery one% 8I sometimes think that it was the arresting, slightly disturbing @uality of my face that distracted e)eryone+s attention from the com'lications below%: Imagine my crib as a diorama in a museum% ress one button and my ears light u' like two golden trum'ets% ress another and my stark chin begins to glow% "nother, and the high, ethereal cheekbones a''ear out of the darkness% &o far the effect isn+t 'romising% 2n the e)idence of ears, chin, and cheekbones I might be a baby Qafka% =ut the ne3t button illuminates my mouth and things begin to im'ro)e% 4he mouth is small but well sha'ed, kissable, musical% 4hen, in the middle of the ma', comes the nose% It is nothing like the noses you see in classical -reek scul'ture% 7ere is a nose that came to "sia !inor, like silk itself, from the ?ast% In this case, the !iddle ?ast% 4he nose of the diorama baby already forms, if you look closely, an arabes@ue% ?ars, nose, mouth, chin<now eyes% Hot only are they widely set 8like Jackie 2%+s:, they+re big% 4oo big for a baby+s face% ?yes like my grandmother+s% ?yes as big and sad as the eyes in a Qeane 'ainting% ?yes rimmed with long, dark eyelashes my mother couldn+t belie)e had formed inside her% 7ow had her body worked in such detailD 4he com'le3ion around these eyes: a 'ale oli)e% 4he hair: Bet black% How 'ress all the buttons at once% 6an you see meD "ll of meD robably not% Ho one e)er really has% "s a baby, e)en as a little girl, I 'ossessed an awkward, e3tra)agant beauty% Ho single feature was right in itself and yet, when they were taken all together, something ca'ti)ating emerged% "n inad)ertent harmony% " changeableness, too, as if beneath my )isible face there was another, ha)ing second thoughts% Desdemona wasn+t interested in my looks% &he was concerned with the state of my soul% ,4he baby she is two months old,1 she said to my father in !arch% ,Ahy you still no ba'ti(e herD1 ,I don+t want her ba'ti(ed,1 answered !ilton% ,It+s a bunch of hocus/'ocus%1 ,7okey 'okey is itD1 Desdemona now threatened him with an inde3 finger% ,Jou think 7oly 4radition that the 6hurch kee' for two thousand years is hokey 'okeyD1 "nd then she called on the anaghia, using e)ery one of her names% ,"ll/7oly, immaculate, most blessed and glorified *ady, !other of -od and ?)er/Oirgin, do you hear what my son !ilton is sayingD1 Ahen my father still refused, Desdemona unleashed her secret wea'on% &he started fanning herself% 4o anyone who ne)er 'ersonally e3'erienced it, it+s difficult to describe the ominous, storm/gathering @uality of my grandmother+s fanning% 0efusing to argue anymore with my father, she walked on swollen ankles into the sun room% &he sat down in a cane chair by the window% 4he winter light, coming from the side, reddened the far, translucent wing of her nose% &he 'icked u' her cardboard fan% 4he front of the fan was embla(oned with the words ,4urkish "trocities%1 =elow, in smaller 'rint, were the s'ecifics: the 19.. 'ogrom in Istanbul in which 1. -reeks were killed, C00 -reek women ra'ed, $,E$5 stores looted, .9 2rthodo3 churches destroyed, and e)en the gra)es of the atriarchs desecrated% Desdemona had si3 atrocity fans% 4hey were a collector+s set% ?ach year she sent a contribution to the atriarchate in 6onstantino'le, and a few weeks later a new fan arri)ed, making claims of genocide and, in one case, bearing a 'hotogra'h of atriarch "thenagoras in the ruins of a looted cathedral% Hot a''earing on Desdemona+s 'articular fan that day, but denounced nonetheless, was the most recent crime, committed not by the 4urks but by her own -reek son, who refused to gi)e his daughter a 'ro'er 2rthodo3 ba'tism% Desdemona+s fanning wasn+t a matter of mo)ing the wrist back and forth; the agitation came from dee' within her% It originated from the s'ot between her stomach and li)er where she once told me the

1E.

7oly &'irit resided% It issued from a 'lace dee'er than her own buried crime% !ilton tried to take shelter behind his news'a'er, but the fan/disturbed air rustled the news'rint% 4he force of Desdemona+s fanning could be felt all o)er the house; it swirled dustballs on the stairs; it stirred the window shades; and, of course, since it was winter, it made e)eryone shi)er% "fter a while the entire house seemed to be hy'er)entilating% 4he fanning e)en 'ursued !ilton into his 2ldsmobile, which began to make a soft hissing from the radiator% In addition to the fanning, my grandmother a''ealed to family feeling% 9ather !ike, her son/in/law and my )ery own uncle, was by this time back from his years in -reece and ser)ing<in an assistant ca'acity<at "ssum'tion -reek 2rthodo3 6hurch% , lease, !iltie,1 Desdemona said% ,4hink of 9ather !ike% 4hey ne)er gi)e him to' Bob at the church% Jou think if his own niece she no gets ba'ti(ed it will look goodD 4hink of your sister, !iltie% oor GoF> 4hey no ha)e much money%1 9inally, in a sign that he was weakening, my father asked my mother, ,Ahat do they charge for a ba'tism these daysD1 ,4hey+re free%1 !ilton+s eyebrows lifted% =ut after a moment+s consideration he nodded, confirmed in his sus'icions% ,9igures% 4hey let you in for free% 4hen you gotta 'ay for the rest of your life%1 =y 1960, the -reek 2rthodo3 congregation of Detroit+s ?ast &ide had yet another new building to worshi' in% "ssum'tion had mo)ed from Oernor 7ighway to a new site on 6harle)oi3% 4he erection of the 6harle)oi3 church had been an e)ent of great e3citement% 9rom the humble beginnings of the storefront on 7art &treet, to the res'ectable but by no means s'lashy domicile off =eniteau, "ssum'tion was finally going to get a grand church building% !any construction firms bid for the Bob, but in the end it was decided to gi)e it to ,someone from the community,1 and that someone was =art &kiotis% 4he moti)es behind building the new church were twofold: to resurrect the ancient s'lendor of =y(antium and to show the world the financial wherewithal of the 'ros'ering -reek "merican community% Ho e3'ense was s'ared% "n icon 'ainter from 6rete was im'orted to render the iconogra'hy% 7e stayed for o)er a year, slee'ing in the unfinished structure on a thin mat% " traditionalist, he refrained from meat, alcohol, and sweets, in order to 'urify his soul and recei)e di)ine ins'iration% ?)en his 'aintbrush was by the book, made from the ti' of a s@uirrel+s tail% &lowly, o)er two years, our ?ast &ide 7agia &o'hia went u', not far from the 9ord 9reeway% 4here was only one 'roblem% ;nlike the icon 'ainter, =art &kiotis had not worked with a 'ure heart% It turned out that he had used inferior materials, si'honing the remaining cash into his 'ersonal bank account% 7e laid the foundation incorrectly, so that it wasn+t long before cracks began to branch o)er the walls, scarring the iconogra'hy% 4he ceiling leaked, too% Aithin the substandard construction of the 6harle)oi3 church, literally u'on a shaky foundation, I was ba'ti(ed into the 2rthodo3 faith; a faith that had e3isted long before rotestantism had anything to 'rotest and before 6atholicism called itself catholic; a faith that stretched back to the beginnings of 6hristianity, when it was -reek and not *atin, and which, without an "@uinas to reify it, had remained shrouded in the smoke of tradition and mystery whence it began% !y godfather, Jimmy a'anikolas, took me from my father+s arms% 7e 'resented me to 9ather !ike% &miling, o)erBoyed to be center stage for once, 9ather !ike cut a lock of my hair and tossed it into the

1E6

ba'tismal 'ool% 8It was this 'art of the ritual, I later sus'ected, that was res'onsible for the fu((y @uality of our font+s surfaces% Jears and years of baby hair, stimulated by the life/gi)ing water, had taken root and grown%: =ut now 9ather !ike was ready for the dunking% ,4he ser)ant of -od, 6allio'e 7elen is ba'ti(ed in the Hame of the 9ather, "men K , and he 'ushed me under for the first time% In the 2rthodo3 6hurch, we don+t go in for 'artial immersion; no s'rinkling, no forehead dabbing for us% In order to be reborn, you ha)e to be buried first, so under the water I went% !y family looked on, my mother sei(ed with an3iety 8what if I inhaledD:, my brother dro''ing a 'enny into the water when no one was looking, my grandmother stilling her fan for the first time in weeks% 9ather !ike 'ulled me u' into the air again<,and of the &on, "men1<and dunked me under once more% 4his time I o'ened my eyes% 6ha'ter ?le)en+s 'enny, in freefall, glinted through the murk% Down it sank to the bottom where, I now noticed, lots of things were collected: other coins, for instance, hair'ins, somebody+s old =and/"id% In the green, scummy, holy water, I felt at 'eace% ?)erything was silent% 4he sides of my neck tingled in the 'lace where humans once had gills% I was dimly aware that this beginning was somehow indicati)e of the rest of my life% !y family were around me; I was in the hands of -od% =ut I was in my own, se'arate element, too, submerged in rare sensations, 'ushing e)olution+s en)elo'e% 4his knowledge whi((ed through my mind, and then 9ather !ike 'ulled me u' again<,and of the 7oly &'irit, "men K1 2ne more dunking to go% Down I went and back u' again, into light and air% 4he three submersions had taken a while% In addition to being murky, the water was warm% =y the third time u', therefore, I had indeed been reborn: as a fountain% 9rom between my cherubic legs a stream of crystalline li@uid shot into the air% *it from the dome abo)e, its yellow scintillance arrested e)eryone+s attention% 4he stream rose in an arc% ro'elled by a full bladder, it cleared the li' of the font% "nd before my nouno had time to react, it struck 9ather !ike right in the middle of the face% &u''ressed laughter from the 'ews, a few old ladies gas'ing in horror, then silence% Disgraced by his own 'artial immersion<and dabbing himself like a rotestant< 9ather !ike com'leted the ceremony% 4aking the chrism on his fingerti's, he anointed me, marking the sign of the 6ross on the re@uired 'laces, first my forehead, then eyes, nostrils, mouth, ears, breast, hands, and feet% "s he touched each 'lace, he said, ,4he seal of the gift of the 7oly &'irit%1 9inally he ga)e me my 9irst 6ommunion 8with one e3ce'tion: 9ather !ike didn+t forgi)e me for my sin:% ,4hat+s my girl,1 !ilton crowed on the way home% , issed on a 'riest%1 ,It was an accident,1 4essie insisted, still hot with embarrassment% , oor 9ather !ike> 7e+ll ne)er get o)er it%1 ,4hat went really far ,1 mar)eled 6ha'ter ?le)en% In all the commotion, no one wondered about the engineering in)ol)ed% Desdemona took my re)erse ba'tism of her son/in/law as a bad omen% "lready 'otentially res'onsible for her husband+s stroke, I had now committed a sacrilege at my first liturgical o''ortunity% In addition, I had humiliated her by being born a girl% ,!aybe you should try guessing the weather,1 &ourmelina teased her% !y father rubbed it in: ,&o much for your s'oon, !a% It sort of 'oo'ed out on you%1 4he truth was that in those days Desdemona was struggling against assimilationist 'ressures she couldn+t resist% 4hough she had li)ed in "merica as an eternal e3ile, a )isitor for forty years, certain bits of her ado'ted country had been see'ing under the locked doors of her disa''ro)al% "fter *efty came home from the hos'ital, my father took a 4O u' to the attic to 'ro)ide some entertainment% It was a small black/and/white Genith, 'rone to

1E#

)ertical shift% !ilton 'laced it on a bedside table and went back downstairs% 4he tele)ision remained, rumbling, glowing% *efty adBusted his 'illows to watch% Desdemona tried to do housework but found herself looking o)er at the screen more and more often% &he still didn+t like cars% &he co)ered her ears whene)er the )acuum cleaner was on% =ut the 4O was somehow different% !y grandmother took to tele)ision right away% It was the first and only thing about "merica she a''ro)ed of% &ometimes she forgot to turn the set off and would awaken at C"%!% to hear ,4he &tar/&'angled =anner1 'laying before the station signed off% 4he tele)ision re'laced the sound of con)ersation that was missing from my grand'arents+ li)es% Desdemona watched all day long, scandali(ed by the lo)e affairs on #s the /orld !urns % &he liked detergent commercials es'ecially, anything with animated scrubbing bubbles or a)enging suds% *i)ing on &eminole contributed to the cultural im'erialism% 2n &undays, instead of ser)ing !eta3a, !ilton fi3ed cocktails for his guests% ,Drinks with the names of 'eo'le,1 Desdemona com'lained to her mute husband back in the attic% ,4om 6ollins% 7ar)ey Aall =ang% 4his is a drink> "nd they are listening to music on the, how you say, the hi/fi% !ilton he 'uts this music, and they drink 4om 6ollins and sometimes they are, you know, dancing, one on one, men together with the women% *ike wrestling%1 Ahat was I to Desdemona but another sign of the end of thingsD &he tried not to look at me% &he hid behind her fans% 4hen one day 4essie had to go out and Desdemona was forced to baby/sit% Aarily, she entered my bedroom% 4aking cautious ste's, she a''roached my crib% =lack/dra'ed se3agenarian leaned down to e3amine 'ink/swaddled infant% !aybe something in my e3'ression set off an alarm% !aybe she was already making the connections she would later make, between )illage babies and this suburban one, between old wi)es+ tales and new endocrinology K 4hen again, maybe not% =ecause as she 'eered distrustfully o)er the rail of my crib, she saw my face<and blood inter)ened% Desdemona+s worried e3'ression ho)ered abo)e my 8similarly: 'er'le3ed one% 7er mournful eyes ga(ed down at my 8e@ually: large black orbs% ?)erything about us was the same% "nd so she 'icked me u' and I did what grandchildren are su''osed to do: I erased the years between us% I ga)e Desdemona back her original skin% 9rom then on, I was her fa)orite% !idmornings she would relie)e my mother by taking me u' to the attic% *efty had regained most of his strength by this time% Des'ite his s'eech 'aralysis, my grandfather remained a )ital 'erson% 7e got u' early e)ery day, bathed, sha)ed, and 'ut on a necktie to translate "ttic -reek for two hours before breakfast% 7e no longer had as'irations to 'ublish his translations but did the work because he liked it and because it ke't his mind shar'% In order to communicate with the rest of the family, he ke't a little chalkboard with him at all times% 7e wrote messages in words and 'ersonal hierogly'hics% "ware that he and Desdemona were a burden to my 'arents, *efty was e3tremely hel'ful around the house, doing re'airs, assisting with the cleaning, running errands% ?)ery afternoon he took his three/mile walk, no matter the weather, and returned cheerful, his smile full of gold fillings% "t night he listened to his rebetika records in the attic and smoked his hookah 'i'e% Ahene)er 6ha'ter ?le)en asked what was in the 'i'e, *efty wrote on his chalkboard, ,4urkish mud%1 !y 'arents always belie)ed it was an aromatic brand of tobacco% Ahere *efty obtained the hash is anybody+s guess% 2ut on his walks, 'robably% 7e still had lots of -reek and *ebanese contacts in the city% 9rom ten to noon e)ery day my grand'arents took care of me% Desdemona fed me

1E5

my bottles and changed my dia'ers% &he finger/combed my hair% Ahen I got fussy, *efty carried me around the room% &ince he couldn+t s'eak to me, he bounced me a lot and hummed to me, and touched his big, arching nose to my little, latent one% !y grandfather was like a dignified, un'ainted mime, and I was almost fi)e before I reali(ed that anything was wrong with him% Ahen he tired of making faces, he carried me to the dormer window, where, together, from the o''osite ends of life, we ga(ed down at our leafy neighborhood% &oon I was walking% "nimated by brightly wra''ed 'resents, I scam'ered into the frames of my father+s home mo)ies% 2n those first celluloid 6hristmases I look as o)erdressed as the Infanta% &tar)ed for a daughter, 4essie went a little o)erboard in dressing me% ink skirts, lace ruffles, Juletide bows in my hair% I didn+t like the clothes, or the 'rickly 6hristmas tree, and am usually shown bursting dramatically into tearsK 2r it might ha)e been my father+s cinematogra'hy% !ilton+s camera came e@ui''ed with a rack of merciless floodlights% 4he brightness of those films gi)es them the @uality of -esta'o interrogations% 7olding u' our 'resents, we all cringe, as though caught with contraband% "side from their blinding brightness, there was another odd thing about !ilton+s home mo)ies: like 7itchcock, he always a''eared in them% 4he only way to check the amount of film left in the camera was by reading the counter inside the lens% In the middle of 6hristmas scenes or birthday 'arties there always came a moment when !ilton+s eye would fill the screen% &o that now, as I @uickly try to sketch my early years, what comes back most clearly is Bust that: the brown orb of my father+s slee'y, bearish eye% " 'ostmodern touch in our domestic cinema, 'ointing u' artifice, calling attention to mechanics% 8"nd be@ueathing me my aesthetic%: !ilton+s eye regarded us% It blinked% "n eye as big as the 6hrist antocrator+s at church, it was better than any mosaic% It was a li)ing eye, the cornea a little bloodshot, the eyelashes lu3uriant, the skin underneath coffee/stained and 'ouchy% 4his eye would stare us down for as long as ten seconds% 9inally the camera would 'ull away, still recording% Ae+d see the ceiling, the lighting fi3ture, the floor, and then us again: the &te'hanides% 9irst of all, *efty% &till da''er des'ite stroke damage, wearing a starched white shirt and glen'laid trousers, he writes on his chalkboard and holds it u': , -hristos #nesti %1 Desdemona sits across from him, her dentures making her look like a sna''ing turtle% !y mother, in this home mo)ie marked ,?aster +6C,1 is two years from turning forty% 4he crow+s/feet around her eyes are another reason 8aside from the floodlights: why she holds a hand o)er her face% In this gesture I see the emotional sym'athy I+)e always felt with 4essie, the two of us ne)er ha''ier than when unobser)ed, 'eo'le/watching% =ehind her hand I can see the traces of the no)el she stayed u' reading the 're)ious night% "ll the big words she had to look u' in the dictionary crowd her tired head, waiting to show u' in the letters she writes me today% 7er hand is also a refusal, her only way of getting back at a husband who has begun to disa''ear on her% 8!ilton came home e)ery night; he didn+t drink or womani(e but, 'reoccu'ied with business worries, he began to lea)e a little more of himself at the diner each day, so that the man who returned to us seemed less and less 'resent, a kind of robot who car)ed turkeys and filmed holidays but who wasn+t really there at all%: 9inally, of course, my mother+s u'raised hand is a kind of warning, too, a 'redecessor of the black bo3% 6ha'ter ?le)en s'rawls on the car'et, wolfing candy% -randson of the two former silk farmers 8with chalkboard and worry beads:, he has ne)er had to hel' in the cocoonery% 7e has ne)er been to the Qo(a 7an% ?n)ironment has already made its

1E9

im'rint on him% 7e has the tyrannical, self/absorbed look of "merican childrenK "nd now two dogs come bounding into the frame% 0ufus and Aillis, our two bo3ers% 0ufus sniffs my dia'er and, with 'erfect comic timing, sits on me% 7e will later bite someone, and both dogs will be gi)en away% !y mother a''ears, shooing 0ufus K and there I am again% I stand u' and toddle toward the camera, smiling, trying out my wa)eK I know this film well% ,?aster +6C1 was the home mo)ie Dr% *uce talked my 'arents into gi)ing him% 4his was the film he screened each year for his students at 6ornell ;ni)ersity !edical &chool% 4his was the thirty/fi)e/second segment that, *uce insisted, 'ro)ed out his theory that gender identity is established early on in life% 4his was the film Dr% *uce showed to me, to tell me who I was% "nd who was thatD *ook at the screen% !y mother is handing me a baby doll% I take the baby and hug it to my chest% utting a toy bottle to the baby+s li's, I offer it milk% !y early childhood 'assed, on film and otherwise% I was brought u' as a girl and had no doubts about this% !y mother bathed me and taught me how to clean myself% 9rom e)erything that ha''ened later, I would guess that these instructions in feminine hygiene were rudimentary at best% I don+t remember any direct allusions to my se3ual a''aratus% "ll was shrouded in a (one of 'ri)acy and fragility, where my mother ne)er scrubbed me too hard% 86ha'ter ?le)en+s a''aratus was called a ,'it(i%1 =ut for what I had there was no word at all%: !y father was e)en more s@ueamish% In the rare times he dia'ered me or ga)e me a bath, !ilton studiously a)erted his eyes% ,Did you wash her all o)erD1 my mother would ask him, s'eaking obli@uely as usual% ,Hot all o)er% 4hat+s your de'artment%1 It wouldn+t ha)e mattered anyway% ./al'ha/reductase deficiency syndrome is a skillful counterfeiter% ;ntil I reached 'uberty and androgens flooded my bloodstream, the ways in which I differed from other little girls were hard to detect% !y 'ediatrician ne)er noticed anything unusual% "nd by the time I was fi)e 4essie had started taking me to Dr% hil<Dr% hil with his failing eyesight and his cursory e3aminations% 2n January 5, 196#, I turned se)en years old% 196# marked the end of many things in Detroit, but among these was my father+s home mo)ies% ,6allie+s #th =/Day1 was the last of !ilton+s &u'er 5s% 4he setting was our dining room, decorated with balloons% 2n my head sits the usual conical hat% 6ha'ter ?le)en, twel)e years old, does not Boin the boys and girls at the table but instead stands back against the wall, drinking 'unch% 4he difference in our ages meant that my brother and I were ne)er close growing u'% Ahen I was a baby 6ha'ter ?le)en was a kid, when I was a kid he was a teenager, and by the time I became a teenager he was an adult% "t twel)e, my brother liked nothing better than to cut golf balls in half to see what was inside% ;sually, his )i)isection of Ailsons and &'aldings re)ealed cores consisting of e3tremely tightly bundled rubber bands% =ut sometimes there were sur'rises% In fact, if you look )ery closely at my brother in this home mo)ie, you will notice a strange thing: his face, arms, shirt, and 'ants are co)ered by thousands of tiny white dots% Just before my birthday 'arty had started, 6ha'ter ?le)en had been down in his basement laboratory, using a hacksaw on a newfangled 4itleist that ad)ertised a ,li@uid center%1 4he ball was held firmly in a )ise as 6ha'ter ?le)en sawed% Ahen he reached the center of the 4itleist, there was a loud 'o''ing sound followed by a 'uff of smoke% 4he center of the ball was em'ty% 6ha'ter ?le)en was mystified% =ut when he emerged from the basement, we all saw the dotsK =ack at the 'arty, my birthday cake is coming out with its se)en candles% !y

1$0

mother+s silent li's are telling me to make a wish% Ahat did I wish for at se)enD I don+t remember% In the film I lean forward and, "eolian, blow the candles out% In a moment, they reignite% I blow them out again% &ame thing ha''ens% "nd then 6ha'ter ?le)en is laughing, entertained at last% 4hat was how our home mo)ies ended, with a 'rank on my birthday% Aith candles that had multi'le li)es% 4he @uestion remains: Ahy was this !ilton+s last mo)ieD 6an it be e3'lained by the usual 'etering out of 'arents+ enthusiasm for documenting their children on filmD =y the fact that !ilton took hundreds of baby 'hotogra'hs of 6ha'ter ?le)en and no more than twenty or so of meD 4o answer these @uestions, I need to go behind the camera and see things through my father+s eyes% 4he reason !ilton was disa''earing on us: after ten years in business, the diner was no longer making a 'rofit% 4hrough the front window 8o)er "thena oli)e oil tins: my father looked out day after day at the changes on ingree &treet% 4he white family who+d li)ed across the way, good customers once, had mo)ed out% How the house belonged to a colored man named !orrison% 7e came into the diner to buy cigarettes% 7e ordered coffee, asked for a million refills, and smoked% 7e ne)er ordered any food% 7e didn+t seem to ha)e a Bob% &ometimes other 'eo'le mo)ed into his house, a young woman, maybe !orrison+s daughter, with her kids% 4hen they were gone and it was Bust !orrison again% 4here was a tar' u' on his roof with bricks around it, to co)er a hole% Just down the block an after/hours 'lace had o'ened u'% Its 'atrons urinated in the doorway of the diner on their way home% &treetwalkers had started working 4welfth &treet% 4he dry cleaner+s on the ne3t block o)er had been held u', the white owner se)erely beaten% "% "% *aurie, who ran the o'tometrist+s sho' ne3t door, took down his eye chart from the wall as workers remo)ed the neon eyeglasses out front% 7e was mo)ing to a new sho' in &outhfield% !y father had considered doing the same% ,4hat whole neighborhood+s going down the tubes,1 Jimmy 9ioretos had ad)ised one &unday after dinner% ,-et out while the getting+s good%1 "nd then -us anos, who had had a tracheotomy and s'oke through a hole in his neck, hissing like a bellows: ,Jimmy+s right K sssss K Jou should mo)e out to K ssss K =loomfield 7ills%1 ;ncle ete had disagreed, making his usual case for integration and su''ort for resident Johnson+s Aar on o)erty% " few weeks later, !ilton had had the business a''raised and was met with a shock: the Gebra 0oom was worth less than when *efty had ac@uired it in 19EE% !ilton had waited too long to sell it% 4he getting out was no longer good% "nd so the Gebra 0oom remained on the corner of ingree and De3ter, the swing music on the Bukebo3 growing increasingly out of date, the celebrities and s'orts figures on the walls more and more unrecogni(able% 2n &aturdays, my grandfather often took me for a ride in the car% Ae dro)e out to =elle Isle to look for deer and then sto''ed in for lunch at the family restaurant% "t the diner we sat in a booth while !ilton waited on us, 'retending we were customers% 7e took *efty+s order and winked% ,"nd what+ll the !rs% ha)eD1 ,I+m not the !rs%>1 ,Jou+re notD1 I ordered my usual of a cheeseburger, milk shake, and lemon meringue 'ie for dessert% 2'ening the cash register, !ilton ga)e me a stack of @uarters to use in the Bukebo3% Ahile I chose songs, I looked out the front window for my neighborhood

1$1

friend% !ost &aturdays he was installed on the corner, surrounded by other young men% &ometimes he stood on a broken chair or a cinder block while he orated% "lways his arm was in the air, wa)ing and gesticulating% =ut if he ha''ened to see me, his raised fist would o'en u', and he would wa)e% 7is name was !arius Ay3(ewi3ard 6hallouehlic(ilc(ese -rimes% I was not allowed to s'eak to him% !ilton considered !arius to be a troublemaker, a )iew in which many Gebra 0oom 'atrons, white and black both, concurred% I liked him, though% 7e called me ,*ittle Pueen of the Hile%1 7e said I looked like 6leo'atra% ,6leo'atra was -reek,1 he said% ,Did you know thatD1 ,Ho%1 ,Jeah, she was% &he was a tolemy% =ig family back then% 4hey were -reek ?gy'tians% I+)e got a little ?gy'tian blood in me, too% Jou and me are 'robably related%1 If he was standing on his broken chair, waiting for a crowd to form, he would talk to me% =ut if other 'eo'le were there he would be too busy% !arius Ay3(ewi3ard 6hallouehlic(ilc(ese -rimes had been named after an ?thio'ian nationalist, a contem'orary of 9ard !uhammad, in fact, back in the thirties% !arius had been an asthmatic child% 7e+d s'ent most of his childhood inside, reading the eclectic books in his mother+s library% "s a teenager he+d been beaten u' a lot 8he wore glasses, !arius did, and had a habit of mouth/breathing:% =ut by the time I got to know him, !arius A% 6% -rimes was coming into his manhood% 7e worked at a record store and was going to ;% of D% *aw &chool, nights% 4here was something ha''ening in the country, in the black neighborhoods es'ecially, that was conduci)e to the ascension of a brother like !arius to the corner soa'bo3% It was suddenly cool to know stuff, to e3'atiate on the causes of the &'anish 6i)il Aar% 6hI -ue)ara had asthma, too% "nd !arius wore a beret% " black 'aramilitary beret with black glasses and a little fledgling soul 'atch% In beret and glasses !arius stood on the corner waking 'eo'le u' to things% ,Gebra 0oom,1 he 'ointed a bony finger, ,white/owned%1 4hen the finger went down the block% ,4O store, white/owned% -rocery store, white/owned% =ank K1 =rothers looked around K ,Jou got it% Ho bank% 4hey don+t gi)e loans to black folks%1 !arius was 'lanning to become a 'ublic ad)ocate% "s soon as he graduated from law school he was going to sue the city of Dearborn for housing discrimination% 7e was currently number three in his law school class% =ut now it was humid out, his childhood asthma acting u', and !arius was feeling unha''y and unwell when I came roller/skating by% ,7i, !arius%1 7e did not )ocally res'ond, a sign with him that he was in low s'irits% =ut he nodded his head, which ga)e me the courage to continue% ,Ahy don+t you get a better chair to stand onD1 ,Jou don+t like my chairD1 ,It+s all broken%1 ,4his chair is an anti@ue% 4hat means it+s su''osed to be broken%1 ,Hot that broken%1 =ut !arius was s@uinting across the street at the Gebra 0oom% ,*et me ask you something, little 6leo%1 ,AhatD1 ,7ow come there+s always at least three big fat officers of the so/called 'eace sitting at the counter of your dad+s 'laceD1 ,7e gi)es them free coffee%1 ,"nd why do you think he does thatD1 ,I don+t know%1

1$C

,Jou don+t knowD 2kay, I+ll tell you% 7e+s 'aying 'rotection money% Jour old man likes to kee' the fu(( around because he+s scared of us black folks%1 ,7e is not,1 I said, suddenly defensi)e% ,Jou don+t think soD1 ,Ho%1 ,2kay, then, Pueenie% Jou know best%1 =ut !arius+s accusation bothered me% "fter that, I began to watch my father more closely% I noticed how he always locked the car doors when we dro)e through the black neighborhood% I heard him in the li)ing room on &undays: ,4hey don+t take care of their 'ro'erties% 4hey let e)erything go to hell%1 4he ne3t week, when *efty took me to the diner, I was more aware than e)er of the broad backs of 'olicemen at the counter% I heard them Boking with my father% ,7ey, !ilt, you better start 'utting some soul food on the menu%1 ,4hink soD1<my father, Bo)ially<,!aybe a little collard greensD1 I snuck out, going to look for !arius% 7e was in his usual s'ot but sitting, not standing, and reading a book% ,4est tomorrow,1 he told me% ,-otta study%1 ,I+m in second grade,1 I said% ,2nly second> I had you down for high school at least%1 I ga)e him my most winning smile% ,!ust be that tolemy blood% Just stay away from the 0oman men, okayD1 ,AhatD1 ,Hothing, *ittle Pueen% Just 'laying with you%1 7e was laughing now, which he didn+t do that often% 7is face o'ened u', bright% "nd suddenly my father was shouting my name% ,6allie>1 ,AhatD1 ,-et o)er here right now>1 !arius stood u' awkwardly from his chair% ,Ae were Bust talking,1 he said% ,&mart little girl you got here%1 ,Jou stay away from her, you hear meD1 ,Daddy>1 I 'rotested, a''alled, embarrassed for my friend% =ut !arius+s )oice was soft% ,It+s cool, little 6leo% -ot this test and all% -o on back to your dad%1 9or the rest of that day !ilton ke't after me% ,Jou are ne)er, e)er, to talk to strangers like that% Ahat+s the matter with youD1 ,7e+s not a stranger% 7is name is !arius Ay3(ewi3ard 6hallouehlic(ilc(ese -rimes%1 ,Jou hear meD Jou stay away from 'eo'le like that%1 "fterward, !ilton told my grandfather to sto' bringing me down to the diner for lunch% =ut I would come again, in Bust a few months, under my own 'ower%

Opa7
4hey always think it+s the old/school, gentlemanly routine% 4he slowness of my ad)ances% 4he leisurely 'ace of my incursions% 8I+)e learned to make the first mo)e by now, but not the second%: I in)ited Julie Qikuchi to go away for the weekend% 4o omerania% 4he idea was

1$E

to dri)e to ;sedom, an island in the =altic, and stay in an old resort once fa)ored by Ailhelm II% I made a 'oint to em'hasi(e that we would ha)e se'arate rooms% &ince it was the weekend, I tried to dress down% It isn+t easy for me% I wore a camel/hair turtleneck, tweed bla(er, and Beans% "nd a 'air of handmade cordo)ans by ?dward -reen% 4his 'articular style is called the Dundee% 4hey look dressy until you notice the Oibram soles% 4he leather is of a double thickness% 4he Dundee is a shoe designed for touring the landed estates, for trom'ing through mud while wearing a tie, with your s'aniels trailing behind% I had to wait four months for these shoes% 2n the shoebo3 it says: ,?dward -reen: !aster &hoemakers to the 9ew%1 4hat+s me e3actly% 4he few% I 'icked Julie u' in a rented !ercedes, an un@uiet diesel% &he had made a bunch of ta'es for the ride and had brought reading material: !he Guardian , the last two issues of Parkett % Ae dro)e out the narrow, tree/lined roads to the northeast% Ae 'assed )illages of thatch/roofed houses% 4he land grew marshier, inlets a''eared, and soon we tra)eled o)er the bridge to the island% &hall I get right to itD Ho, slowly, leisurely, that+s the way% *et me first mention that it is 2ctober here in -ermany% 4hough the weather was cool, the beach at 7erringsdorf was dotted with @uite a few diehard nudists% rimarily men, they lay walrus/like on towels or boisterously congregated in the stri'ed "trandk?r$e , the little beach huts% 9rom the elegant boardwalk surrounded by 'ine and birch trees, I looked out at these naturists and wondered what I always wonder: Ahat is it like to feel free like thatD I mean, my body is so much better than theirs% I+m the one with the well/defined bice's, the bulging 'ectorals, the burnished glutes% =ut I could ne)er saunter around in 'ublic like that% ,Hot e3actly the co)er of "unshine and Health ,1 said Julie% ,"fter a certain age, 'eo'le should kee' their clothes on,1 I said, or something like that% Ahen in doubt I resort to mildly conser)ati)e or =ritish/sounding 'ronouncements% I wasn+t thinking about what I was saying% I had suddenly forgotten all about the nudists% =ecause I was looking at Julie now% &he had 'ushed her sil)er DD0/era eyeglasses onto the to' of her head so that she could take 'ictures of the distant sunbathers% 4he wind off the =altic was making her hair fly around% ,Jour eyebrows are like little black cater'illars,1 I said% ,9latterer,1 said Julie, still shooting% I said nothing else% "s one does the return of sun after winter, I stood still and acce'ted the warm glow of 'ossibility, of feeling right in the com'any of this small, oddly fierce 'erson with the inky hair and the lo)ely, unem'hasi(ed body% &till, that night, and the night after, we sle't in se'arate rooms%

***
!y father forbade me to talk to !arius -rimes in "'ril, a dam', cool/headed month in !ichigan% =y !ay the weather grew warm; June was hot and July hotter still% In the backyard of our house on &eminole, I Bum'ed through the s'rinkler in my bathing suit, a two/'iece number, while 6ha'ter ?le)en 'icked dandelions to make

1$$

dandelion wine% During that summer, as the tem'erature climbed, !ilton tried to come to gri's with the 'redicament he found himself in% 7is )ision had been to o'en not one restaurant but a chain% How he reali(ed that the first link in that chain, the Gebra 0oom, was a weak one, and he was thrown into doubt and confusion% 9or the first time in his life !ilton &te'hanides came u' against a 'ossibility he+d ne)er entertained: failure% Ahat was he going to do with the restaurantD &hould he sell it for 'eanutsD Ahat thenD 89or the time being, he decided to close the diner on !ondays and 4uesdays to cut 'ayroll e3'enses%: !y father and mother didn+t discuss the situation in front of us and sli''ed into -reek when discussing it with our grand'arents% 6ha'ter ?le)en and I were left to figure out what was going on by the tone of a con)ersation that made no sense to us, and to be honest, we didn+t 'ay much attention% Ae only knew that !ilton was suddenly around the house during the day% !ilton, whom we had rarely seen in sunlight before, was suddenly out in the backyard, reading the news'a'er% Ae disco)ered what our father+s legs looked like in short 'ants% Ae disco)ered what he looked like when he didn+t sha)e% 4he first two days his face got sand'a'ery the way it always did on weekends% =ut now, instead of sei(ing my hand and rubbing it against his whiskers until I screamed, !ilton no longer had the high s'irits to torment me% 7e Bust sat on the 'atio as the beard, like a stain, like a fungus, s'read% ;nconsciously !ilton was adhering to the -reek custom of not sha)ing after a death in the family% 2nly in this case what had ended wasn+t a life but a li)elihood% 4he beard fattened u' his already 'lum' face% 7e didn+t kee' it trimmed or )ery clean% "nd because he didn+t utter a word about his troubles, his beard began to e3'ress silently all the things he wouldn+t allow himself to say% Its knots and whorls indicated his increasingly tangled thoughts% Its bitter odor released the ketones of stress% "s summer 'rogressed, the beard grew shaggy, unmown , and it was ob)ious that !ilton was thinking about ingree &treet; he was going to seed the way ingree &treet was% *efty tried to comfort his son% ,=e strong,1 he wrote% Aith a smile he co'ied out the warrior e'ita'h at 4hermo'ylae: ,-o tell the &'artans, stranger 'assing by`that here obedient to their laws we lie%1 =ut !ilton barely read the @uote% 7is father+s stroke had con)inced him that *efty was no longer at the to' of his game% !ute, carrying his 'itiful chalkboard around, lost in his restoration of &a''ho, *efty had begun to seem old to his son% !ilton found himself getting im'atient or not 'aying attention% )ntimations of mortality $rought on $y aging family mem$ers , that+s what !ilton felt, seeing his father sunk in desk light, Butting out a moist underli', scanning a dead language% Des'ite the 6old Aar secrecy, bits of information leaked out to us kids% 4he dee'ening threat to our finances made itself known in the form of a Bagged wrinkle, like a lightning bolt, that flashed abo)e the bridge of my mother+s nose whene)er I asked for something e3'ensi)e in a toy store% !eat began a''earing less often on our dinner table% !ilton rationed electricity% If 6ha'ter ?le)en left a light on for more than a minute, he returned to total darkness% "nd to a )oice in the darkness: ,Ahat did I tell you about kilowatts>1 9or a while we li)ed with a single lightbulb, which !ilton carried from room to room% ,4his way I can kee' track of how much 'ower we+re using,1 he said, screwing the bulb into the dining room fi3ture so that we could sit down to dinner% ,I can+t see my food,1 4essie com'lained% ,Ahat do you meanD1 said !ilton% ,4his is what they call am$iance %1 "fter dessert, !ilton took a handkerchief

1$.

out of his back 'ocket, unscrewed the hot lightbulb, and, tossing it like an unambitious Buggler, con)eyed it into the li)ing room% Ae waited in darkness as he fumbled through the house, knocking into furniture% 9inally there was a brownout in the distance and !ilton cheerily called out, ,0eady>1 7e ke't u' a bra)e front% 7e hosed down the sidewalk outside the diner and ke't the windows s'otless% 7e continued to greet customers with a hearty ,7ow+s e)erythingD1 or a , Yahsou, patriote' 1 =ut the Gebra 0oom+s swing music and old/time baseball 'layers couldn+t sto' time% It was no longer 19$0 but 196#% &'ecifically, the night of &unday, July CE, 196#% "nd there was something lum'y under my father+s 'illow% =ehold my 'arents+ bedroom: furnished entirely in ?arly "merican re'roductions, it offers them connection 8at discount 'rices: with the country+s founding myths% Hotice, for instance, the )eneer headboard of the bed, made from ,'ure cherrywood,1 as !ilton likes to say, Bust like the little tree -eorge Aashington cho''ed down% Direct your attention to the wall'a'er with its 0e)olutionary Aar motif% " re'eating 'attern showing the famous trio of drummer boy, fife 'layer, and lame old man% 4hroughout my earliest years on earth those bloodied figures marched around my 'arents+ bedroom, here disa''earing behind a ,!onticello1 dresser, there emerging from behind a ,!ount Oernon1 mirror, or sometimes ha)ing no 'lace to go at all and being cut in half by a closet% 9orty/three years old now, my 'arents, on this historic night, lie sound aslee'% !ilton+s snores make the bed rattle; also, the wall connecting to my room, where I+m aslee' myself in a grownu' bed% "nd something else is rattling beneath !ilton+s 'illow, a 'otentially dangerous situation considering what the obBect is% ;nder my father+s 'illow is the%$. automatic he brought back from the war% 6hekho)+s first rule of 'laywriting goes something like this: ,If there+s a gun on the wall in act one, scene one, you must fire the gun by act three, scene two%1 I can+t hel' thinking about that storytelling 'rece't as I contem'late the gun beneath my father+s 'illow% 4here it is% I can+t take it away now that I+)e mentioned it% 8It really was there that night%: "nd there are bullets in the gun and the safety is offK Detroit, in the stifling summer of 196#, is bracing for race riots% Aatts had e3'loded two summers earlier% 0iots had broken out in Hewark recently% In res'onse to the national turmoil, the all/white Detroit 'olice force has been raiding after/hours bars in the city+s black neighborhoods% 4he idea is to make 'reem'ti)e strikes against 'ossible flash'oints% ;sually, the 'olice 'ark their 'addy wagons in back alleys and herd the 'atrons into the )ehicles without anyone seeing% =ut tonight, for reasons that will ne)er be e3'lained, three 'olice )ehicles arri)e at the ?conomy rinting 6o% at 91C. 4welfth &treet<three blocks from ingree<and 'ark at the curb% Jou might think this wouldn+t matter at fi)e in the morning, but you would be wrong% =ecause in 196#, Detroit+s 4welfth &treet is o'en all night% 9or instance, as the 'olice arri)e, there are girls lined along the street, girls in miniskirts, thigh/highs, and halter to's% 84he sea wrack !ilton hoses from the sidewalk e)ery morning includes the dead Bellyfish of 'ro'hylactics and the occasional hermit crab of a lost high heel%: 4he girls stand at the curbs as cars cruise by% Qeylime 6adillacs, fire/red 4oronados, wide/mouthed, trolling *incolns, all in 'erfect sha'e% 6hrome glints% 7ubca's shine% Hot a single rust s'ot anywhere% 8Ahich is something that always ama(es !ilton about black 'eo'le, the contradiction between the 'erfection of their automobiles and the disre'air of their houses%: K =ut now the gleaming cars

1$6

are slowing% Aindows are rolling down and girls are bending to chat with the dri)ers% 4here are calls back and forth, the lifting of already minuscule skirts, and sometimes a flash of breast or an obscene gesture, the girls working it, laughing, high enough by ."%!% to be numb to the rawness between their legs and the residues of men no amount of 'erfume can get rid of% It isn+t easy to kee' yourself clean on the street, and by this hour each of those young women smells in the 'laces that count like a )ery ri'e, soft 9rench cheese K 4hey+re numb, too, to thoughts of babies left at home, si3/month/olds with bad colds lying in used cribs, sucking on 'acifiers, and ha)ing a hard time breathing K numb to the lingering taste of semen in their mouths along with 'e''ermint gum, most of these girls no more than eighteen, this curb on 4welfth &treet their first real 'lace of em'loyment, the most the country has to offer in the way of a )ocation% Ahere are they going to go from hereD 4hey+re numb to that, too, e3ce't for a cou'le who ha)e dreams of singing backu' or o'ening u' a hair sho' K =ut this is all 'art of what ha''ened that night, what+s about to ha''en 8the 'olice are getting out of their cars now, they are breaking in the door of the blind 'ig: K as a window o'ens and someone yells, ,It+s the fu((> 2ut the back way>1 "t the curb the girls recogni(e the co's because they ha)e to do them for free% =ut something is different tonight, something is ha''ening K the girls don+t disa''ear as usual when the co's show u'% 4hey stand and watch as the clients of the blind 'ig are led out in handcuffs, and a few girls e)en begin to grumble K and now other doors are o'ening and cars are sto''ing and suddenly e)eryone is out on the street K 'eo'le stream out of other blind 'igs and from houses and from street corners and you can feel it in the air, the way the air has somehow been kee'ing score, and how at this moment in July of 196# the tally of abuses has reached a 'oint so that the im'erati)e flies out from Aatts and Hewark to 4welfth &treet in Detroit, as one girl shouts, ,-et yo+ hands offa them, motherfucking 'igs>1 K and then there are other shouts, and 'ushing, and a bottle Bust misses a 'oliceman and shatters a s@uad car window behind K and back on &eminole my father is slee'ing on a gun that has Bust been recommissioned, because the riots ha)e begunK "t 6:CE"%!%, the rincess tele'hone in my bedroom rang and I 'icked it u'% It was Jimmy 9ioretos, who in his 'anic mistook my )oice for my mother+s% ,4essie, tell !ilt to get down to the restaurant% 4he coloreds are rioting>1 ,&te'hanides residence,1 I continued 'olitely, as I+d been taught% ,6allie s'eaking%1 ,6allieD Jesus% 7oney, let me s'eak to your fatherD1 ,Just one minute 'lease%1 I 'ut down the 'ink 'hone, walked into my 'arents+ bedroom, and shook my father awake% ,It+s !r% 9ioretos%1 ,JimmyD 6hrist, what does he wantD1 7e lifted his cheek, in which could be discerned the im'rint of a gun barrel% ,7e says somebody+s rioting%1 "t which 'oint, my father Bum'ed out of bed% "s though he still weighed one hundred and forty 'ounds instead of one ninety, !ilton fli''ed gymnastically into the air and landed on his feet, com'letely unaware of both his nakedness and his dream/filled morning erection% 8&o it was that the Detroit riots will always be connected in my mind with my first sight of the aroused male genitalia% ?)en worse, they were my father+s, and worst of all, he was reaching for a gun% &ometimes a cigar is not a cigar%: 4essie was u' now, too, shouting at !ilton not to go, and !ilton was ho''ing on one foot, trying to 'ut on his 'ants; and before long e)erybody was into it%

1$#

,I tell you this what ha''en>1 Desdemona screamed at !ilton as he ran down the stairs% ,Do you fi3 the church for &t% 6hristo'herD Ho>1 ,*ea)e it to the 'olice, !ilt,1 4essie 'leaded% "nd 6ha'ter ?le)en: ,Ahen are you going to be back, DadD Jou 'romised to take me to 0adio &hack today%1 "nd me, still s@uee(ing my eyes shut to erase what I+d seen: ,I think I+ll go back to bed now%1 4he only 'erson who didn+t say something was *efty, because in all the confusion he couldn+t find his chalkboard% 7alf/dressed, in shoes but no socks, in 'ants but no under'ants, !ilton &te'hanides raced his Delta 55 through the early morning streets% "ll the way to Aoodward nothing seemed amiss% 4he roads were clear% ?)eryone was still aslee'% "s he turned onto Aest -rand =oule)ard, howe)er, he saw a 'illar of smoke rising into the air% ;nlike all the other 'illars of smoke issuing from the city+s smokestacks, this 'illar didn+t dis'erse into the general smog% It hung low to the ground like a )engeful tornado% It churned and ke't its fearsome sha'e, fed by what it consumed% 4he 2ldsmobile was heading straight for it% &uddenly 'eo'le a''eared% eo'le running% eo'le carrying things% eo'le laughing and looking o)er their shoulders while other 'eo'le wa)ed their hands, a''ealing for them to sto'% &irens wailed% " 'olice car raced 'ast% 4he officer at the wheel signaled !ilton to turn back, but !ilton did not obey% "nd it was funny, because these were his streets% !ilton had known them his whole life% 2)er there on *incoln there used to be a fruit stand% *efty used to sto' there with !ilton to buy cantalou'es, teaching !ilton how to 'ick a sweet one by looking for tiny 'unctures left by bees% 2)er on 4rumbull was where !rs% 4satsarakis li)ed% <sed to always ask me to $ring up @ernors from the $asement , !ilton thought to himself% -ouldn+t clim$ stairs anymore. 2n the corner of &terling and 6ommonwealth was the old !asonic 4em'le, where one &aturday afternoon thirty/fi)e years before, !ilton had been runner/u' in a s'elling bee% " s'elling bee> 4wo do(en kids in their best clothes concentrating as hard as they could to 'iece out ,'restidigitation1 one letter at a time% 4hat+s what used to ha''en in this neighborhood% &'elling bees> How ten/year/olds were running in the streets, carrying bricks% 4hey were throwing bricks through store windows, laughing and Bum'ing, thinking it was some kind of game, some kind of holiday% !ilton looked away from the dancing children and saw the 'illar of smoke right in front of him, blocking the street% 4here was a second or two when he could ha)e turned back% =ut he didn+t% 7e hit it dead on% 4he 2ldsmobile+s hood ornament disa''eared first, then the front fenders and the roof% 4he taillights gleamed redly for a moment and then winked out% In e)ery chase scene we+d e)er watched, the hero always climbed u' to the roof% &trict realists in my family, we always obBected: ,Ahy do they always go u'D1 ,Aatch% 7e+s going to climb the tower% &eeD I told you%1 =ut 7ollywood knew more about human nature than we reali(ed% =ecause, faced with this emergency, 4essie took 6ha'ter ?le)en and me u' to the attic% !aybe it was a )estige of our arboreal 'ast; we wanted to climb u' and out of danger% 2r maybe my mother felt safer there because of the door that blended in with the wall'a'er% Ahate)er the reason, we took a suitcase full of food u' to the attic and stayed there for three days, watching the city burn on my grand'arents+ small black/and/white% In housedress and sandals, Desdemona held her cardboard fan to her chest, shielding herself against the s'ectacle of life re'eating itself%

1$5

,2h my -od> Is like &myrna> *ook at the ma,ros > *ike the 4urks they are burning e)erything>1 It was hard to argue with the com'arison% In &myrna 'eo'le had taken their furniture down to the waterfront; and on tele)ision now 'eo'le were carrying furniture, too% !en were lugging brand/new sofas out of stores% 0efrigerators were sailing along the a)enues, as were sto)es and dishwashers% "nd Bust like in &myrna e)eryone seemed to ha)e 'acked all their clothes% Aomen were wearing minks des'ite the July heat% !en were trying on new suits and running at the same time% ,&myrna> &myrna> &myrna>1 Desdemona ke't wailing, and I+d already heard so much about &myrna in my se)en years that I watched the screen closely to see what it had been like% =ut I didn+t understand% &ure, buildings were burning, bodies were lying in the street, but the mood wasn+t one of des'eration% I+d ne)er seen 'eo'le so ha''y in my entire life% !en were 'laying instruments taken from a music store% 2ther men were handing whiskey bottles through a shattered window and 'assing them around% It looked more like a block 'arty than it did a riot% ;' until that night, our neighborhood+s basic feeling about our fellow Hegro citi(ens could be summed u' in something 4essie said after watching &idney oitier+s 'erformance in !o "ir with .o,e , which o'ened a month before the riots% &he said, ,Jou see, they can s'eak 'erfectly normal if they want%1 4hat was how we felt% 8?)en me back then, I won+t deny it, because we+re all the children of our 'arents%: Ae were ready to acce't the Hegroes% Ae weren+t 'reBudiced against them% Ae wanted to include them in our society if they would only act normal > In their su''ort for Johnson+s -reat &ociety, in their a''lause after !o "ir with .o,e , our neighbors and relati)es made clear their well/intentioned belief that the Hegroes were fully ca'able of being Bust like white 'eo'le<but then what was thisD they asked themsel)es as they saw the 'ictures on tele)ision% Ahat were those young men doing carrying a sofa down the streetD Aould &idney oitier e)er take a sofa or a large kitchen a''liance from a store without 'ayingD Aould he dance like that in front of a burning buildingD ,Ho res'ect for 'ri)ate 'ro'erty whatsoe)er,1 cried !r% =en(, who li)ed ne3t door% "nd his wife hyllis: ,Ahere are they going to li)e if they burn down their own neighborhoodD1 2nly "unt Go seemed to sym'athi(e: ,I don+t know% If I was walking down the street and there was a mink coat Bust sitting there, I might take it%1 ,GoF>1 9ather !ike was shocked% ,4hat+s stealing>1 ,2h, what isn+t, when you come right down to it% 4his whole country+s stolen%1 9or three days and two nights we waited in the attic to hear from !ilton% 4he fires had knocked out 'hone ser)ice, and when my mother called the restaurant, all she got was a recorded message with an o'erator+s )oice% 9or three days no one left the attic e3ce't 4essie, who hurried downstairs to get food from our em'tying cu'boards% Ae watched the death toll rise%
Day 1: Deaths<1.% InBuries<.00% &tores looted<1,000% 9ires<500% Day C: Deaths<C#% InBuries<#00% &tores looted<1,.00% 9ires<1,000% Day E: Deaths<E6% InBuries<1,000% &tores looted<1,#00% 9ires<1,16E%

9or three days we studied the 'hotogra'hs of the )ictims as they a''eared on 4O% !rs% &haron &tone, struck by a sni'er+s bullet as her car was sto''ed at a traffic light%

1$9

6arl ?% &mith, a fireman, killed by a sni'er as he battled a bla(e% 9or three days we watched the 'oliticians hesitate and argue: the 0e'ublican go)ernor, -eorge 0omney, asking resident Johnson to send in federal troo's; and Johnson, a Democrat, saying he had an ,inability1 to do such a thing% 84here was an election coming u' in the fall% 4he worse the riots got, the worse 0omney was going to do% "nd so before he sent in the 'aratroo'ers, resident Johnson sent in 6yrus Oance to assess the situation% Hearly twenty/four hours 'assed before federal troo's arri)ed% In the meantime the ine3'erienced Hational -uard was shooting u' the town%: 9or three days we didn+t bathe or brush our teeth% 9or three days all the normal rituals of our life were sus'ended, while half/forgotten rituals, like 'raying, were renewed% Desdemona said the 'rayers in -reek as we gathered around her bed, and 4essie tried as usual to dis'el her doubts and truly belie)e% 4he )igil light no longer contained oil but was an electric bulb% 9or three days we recei)ed no word from !ilton% Ahen 4essie returned from her tri's downstairs I began to detect, in addition to the traces of tears on her face, faint streaks of guilt% Death always makes 'eo'le 'ractical% &o while 4essie had been on the first floor, foraging for food, she had also been searching in !ilton+s desk% &he had read the terms of his life insurance 'olicy% &he had checked the balance in their retirement account% In the bathroom mirror she a''raised her looks, wondering if she could attract another husband at her age% ,I had you kids to think of,1 she confessed to me years later% ,I was wondering what we+d do if your father didn+t come back%1 4o li)e in "merica, until recently, meant to be far from war% Aars ha''ened in &outheast "sian Bungles% 4hey ha''ened in !iddle ?astern deserts% 4hey ha''ened, as the old song has it, o,er there % =ut then why, 'eeking out the dormer window, did I see, on the morning after our second night in the attic, a tank rolling by our front lawnD " green army tank, all alone in the long shadows of morning, its enormous treads clanking against the as'halt% "n armor/'lated military )ehicle encountering no greater obstacle than a lost roller skate% 4he tank rolled 'ast the affluent homes, the gables and turrets, the 'orte cocheres% It sto''ed briefly at the sto' sign% 4he gun turret looked both ways, like a dri)er+s ed student, and then the tank went on its way% Ahat had ha''ened: late !onday night, resident Johnson, finally gi)ing in to -o)ernor 0omney+s re@uest, had ordered in federal troo's% -eneral John *% 4hrockmorton set u' the head@uarters of the 101st "irborne at &outheastern 7igh, where my 'arents had gone to school% 4hough the fiercest rioting was on the Aest &ide, -eneral 4hrockmorton chose to de'loy his 'aratroo'ers on the ?ast &ide, calling this decision ,an o'erational con)enience%1 =y early 4uesday morning the 'aratroo'ers were mo)ing in to @uell the disturbance% Ho one else was awake to see the tank rumble by% !y grand'arents were do(ing in bed% 4essie and 6ha'ter ?le)en were curled on air mattresses on the floor% ?)en the 'arakeets were @uiet% I remember looking at my brother+s face 'eeking out of his slee'ing bag% 2n the flannel lining, hunters shot at ducks% 4his masculine background ser)ed only to em'hasi(e 6ha'ter ?le)en+s lack of heroic @ualities% Aho was going to come to my father+s aidD Aho could my father rely onD 6ha'ter ?le)en with his 6oke/bottle glassesD *efty with his chalkboard and si3ty/'lus yearsD Ahat I did ne3t had no connection, I belie)e, with my chromosomal status% It did not result from the high/testosterone 'lasma le)els in my blood% I did what any lo)ing, loyal daughter would ha)e done who had been raised on a diet of 7ercules mo)ies% In that instant, I decided to find my father, to sa)e him, if necessary, or at least to tell him to come

1.0

home% 6rossing myself in the 2rthodo3 fashion, I stole down the attic stairs, closing the door behind me% In my bedroom I 'ut on sneakers and my "melia ?arhart a)iator+s ca'% Aithout waking anyone I let myself out the front door, ran to my bicycle 'arked at the side of the house, and 'edaled away% "fter two blocks, I caught sight of the tank: it had sto''ed at a red light% 4he soldiers inside were busy looking at ma's, trying to find the best route to the riots% 4hey didn+t notice the little girl in the a)iator+s ca' stealing u' on a banana bike% It was still dark out% 4he birds were beginning to sing% &ummer smells of lawn and mulch filled the air, and suddenly I lost my ner)e% 4he closer I got to the tank, the bigger it looked% I was frightened and wanted to run back home% =ut the light changed and the tank lurched forward% &tanding u' on my 'edals, I s'ed after it% "cross town, in the lightless Gebra 0oom, my father was trying to stay awake% =arricaded behind the cash register, holding the re)ol)er in one hand and a ham sandwich in the other, !ilton looked out the front window to see what was ha''ening in the street% 2)er the last two slee'less nights the circles under !ilton+s eyes had darkened steadily with each cu' of coffee he drank% 7is eyelids hung at half mast, but his brow was dam' with the 'ers'iration of an3iety and )igilance% 7is stomach hurt% 7e needed to go to the bathroom in the worst way but didn+t dare% 2utside, they were at it again: the sni'ers% It was almost ."%!% ?ach night, the sinking sun, like a ring on a window shade, 'ulled night down o)er the neighborhood% 9rom where)er the sni'ers disa''eared to during the hot day, they returned% 4hey took u' their 'ositions% 9rom the windows of condemned hotels, from fire esca'es and balconies, from behind cars Backed u' in front yards, they e3tended the barrels of their assorted guns% If you looked closely, if you were bra)e or reckless enough to stick your head out the window this time of night, you could see by the moon<that other 'ull ring, going u'<hundreds of glinting guns, 'ointed down into the street, through which the soldiers were now ad)ancing% 4he only light inside the diner came from the red glow of the Bukebo3% It stood to one side of the front door, a Disco/!atic made of chrome, 'lastic, and colored glass% 4here was a small window through which you could watch the robotic changing of records% 4hrough a circulatory system along the Bukebo3+s edges trails of dark blue bubbles rose% =ubbles re'resenting the effer)escence of "merican life, of our 'ostwar o'timism, of our fi((y, im'erial, carbonated drinks% =ubbles full of the hot air of "merican democracy, boiling u' from the stacked )inyl 'latters inside% ,!ama Don+t "llow It1 by =unny =erigan maybe, or ,&tardust1 by 4ommy Dorsey and his orchestra% =ut not tonight% 4onight !ilton had the Bukebo3 off so that he could hear if anyone was trying to break in% 4he cluttered walls of the restaurant took no notice of the rioting outside% "l Qaline still beamed from his frame% aul =unyan and =abe the =lue 23 continued on their trek below the daily s'ecial% 4he menu board itself still offered eggs, hash browns, se)en kinds of 'ie% &o far nothing had ha''ened% &omewhat miraculously% &@uatting at the front window yesterday, !ilton had seen looters break into e)ery store down the block% 4hey looted the Jewish market, taking e)erything but the mat(oh and the yahr(eit candles% Aith a shar' sense of style, they stri''ed Joel !oskowit(+s shoe store of its higher/'riced and more fashionable models, lea)ing only some ortho'edic offerings and a few 9lorsheims% "ll that was left in Dyer+s "''liance, as far as !ilton could tell, was a rack of )acuum bags% Ahat would they loot if they looted the dinerD Aould they take the stained glass window, which !ilton himself had takenD Aould

1.1

they show interest in the 'hoto of 4y 6obb snarling as he slid, s'ikes first, into second baseD !aybe they+d ri' the (ebra skins off the barstools% 4hey liked anything "frican, didn+t theyD Aasn+t that the new )ogue, or the old )ogue that was new againD 7ell, they could ha)e the goddamned (ebra skins% 7e+d 'ut them out front as a 'eace offering% =ut now !ilton heard something% 4he doorknob, was itD 7e listened% 9or the last few hours he+d been hearing things% 7is eyes had been 'laying tricks on him, too% 7e crouched behind the counter, s@uinting into the darkness% 7is ears echoed the way seashells do% 7e heard the distant gunfire and the s@uawking sirens% 7e heard the hum of the refrigerator and the ticking of the clock% 4o all this was added the rush of his blood, roaring through the channels in his head% =ut no sound came from the doorway% !ilton rela3ed% 7e took another bite of the sandwich% -ently, e3'erimentally, he lowered his head onto the counter% Just for a minute % Ahen he closed his eyes, the 'leasure was immediate% 4hen the doorknob rattled again, and !ilton Bum'ed% 7e shook his head, trying to wake himself u'% 7e 'ut down the sandwich and ti'toed out from behind the counter, holding the gun% 7e didn+t intend to use it% 4he idea was to scare the looter off% If that didn+t work, !ilton was 're'ared to lea)e% 4he 2ldsmobile was 'arked out back% 7e could be home in ten minutes% 4he knob rattled again% "nd without thinking !ilton ste''ed toward the glass door and shouted, ,I+)e got a gun>1 ?3ce't it wasn+t the gun% It was the ham sandwich> !ilton was threatening the looter with two 'ieces of toasted bread, a slice of meat, and some hot mustard% He)ertheless, because it was dark out, this worked% 4he looter outside the door held u' his hands% It was !orrison from across the street% !ilton stared at !orrison% !orrison stared back% "nd then my father said<this is what white 'eo'le say in a situation like this, ,6an I hel' youD1 !orrison s@uinted, disbelie)ing% ,Ahat you doing here, manD Jou cra(yD "in+t safe for no white 'eo'le down here%1 " shot rang out% !orrison flattened himself against the glass% ,"in+t safe for nobody%1 ,I+)e gotta 'rotect my 'ro'erty%1 ,Jou life ain+t you 'ro'ertyD1 !orrison raised his eyebrows to indicate the unim'eachable logic of this statement% 4hen he dro''ed the su'erior e3'ression altogether and coughed% ,*isten, chief, long as you here, maybe you can hel' me out%1 7e held u' small change% ,6ame o)er for some cigarettes%1 !ilton+s chin di''ed, fattening his neck, and his eyebrows slanted in disbelief% In a dry )oice he said, ,How+d be a good time to kick the habit%1 "nother shot rang out, this time closer% !orrison Bum'ed, then smiled% ,It sure is bad for my health% "nd gettin+ more dangerous all the time%1 4hen he smiled broadly% ,4his+ll be my last 'ack,1 he said, ,swear to -od%1 7e dro''ed the change through the mail slot% , arliaments%1 !ilton looked down at the coins for a moment and then went and got the cigarettes% ,-ot any matchesD1 !orrison said% !ilton sli''ed these through, too% "s he did, the riots, his frayed ner)es, the smell of fire in the air, and the audacity of this man !orrison dodging sni'er fire for a 'ack of cigarettes all became too much for !ilton% &uddenly he was wa)ing his arms, indicating e)erything, and shouting through the door, ,Ahat+s the matter with you 'eo'leD1 !orrison took only a moment% ,4he matter with us,1 he said, ,is you%1 "nd then

1.C

he was gone% ,4he matter with us is you%1 7ow many times did I hear that growing u'D Deli)ered by !ilton in his so/called black accent, deli)ered whene)er any liberal 'undit talked about the ,culturally de'ri)ed1 or the ,underclass1 or ,em'owerment (ones,1 s'oken out of the belief that this one statement, ha)ing been deli)ered to him while the blacks themsel)es burned down a significant 'ortion of our belo)ed city, 'ro)ed its own absurdity% "s the years went on, !ilton used it as a shield against any o'inions to the contrary, and finally it grew into a kind of mantra, the e3'lanation for why the world was going to hell, a''licable not only to "frican "mericans but to feminists and homose3uals; and then of course he liked to use it on us, whene)er we were late for dinner or wore clothes 4essie didn+t a''ro)e of% ,4he matter with us is you>1 !orrison+s words echoed in the street, but !ilton didn+t ha)e time to concentrate on them% =ecause right then, like a creaky -od(illa in a Ja'anese mo)ie, the first military tank lumbered into )iew% &oldiers stood on both sides, not co's now but Hational -uardsmen, camouflaged, helmeted, ner)ously holding rifles with bayonets% ointing those rifles u' at all the other rifles 'ointing down% 4here was a moment of relati)e silence, enough for !ilton to hear the slamming of !orrison+s screen door across the street% 4hen there was a 'o', a sound like a toy gun, and suddenly the street lit u' with a thousand bursts of fireK I heard them, too, from a @uarter mile away% 9ollowing the slow tank at a discreet distance, I had ridden my bike from Indian Oillage on the ?ast &ide all the way to the Aest% I tried to kee' my bearings as best I could, but I was only se)en and a half, and didn+t know many street names% Ahile 'assing through downtown, I recogni(ed !he "pirit of 1etroit , the !arshall 9redericks statue that stood in front of the 6ity/6ounty =uilding% " few years earlier, a 'rankster had 'ainted a trail of red foot'rints in the statue+s si(e, leading across Aoodward to rende()ous with a statue of a naked woman in front of the Hational =ank of Detroit% 4he foot'rints were still faintly )isible as I 'edaled 'ast% 4he tank turned u' =ush &treet, and I followed it 'ast !onroe and the lights of -reektown% 2n a normal day, the old -reek men of my grandfather+s generation would ha)e been arri)ing at the coffee houses to s'end the day 'laying backgammon, but on the morning of July C., 196#, the street was em'ty% "t some 'oint my tank had found others; in a line they now headed northwest% &oon downtown )anished and I didn+t know where I was% Ducking aerodynamically o)er my handlebars, I 'edaled furiously into the thick, oily e3haust of the mo)ing columnK Kwhile, back on ingree &treet, !ilton is crouching behind the crenellated oli)e oil tins% =ullets fly from e)ery darkened window along the block, from 9rank+s ool 7all and the 6row =ar, from the bell tower of the "frican ?'isco'al 6hurch, so many bullets they blur the air like rain, making the one working streetlam' look as if it+s flickering out% =ullets 'ounding on armor and ricocheting off brickwork and tattooing the 'arked cars% =ullets ri''ing the legs right out from under a ;%&% ostal &er)ice mailbo3, so that it falls o)er on its side like a drunk% =ullets obliterating the window of the )eterinarian office and continuing on through the walls to reach the cages of the animals in back% 4he -erman she'herd that has been barking nonsto' for three days and two nights finally shuts u'% " cat twists in the air, letting out a scream, its bla(ing green eyes going out like a light% " real battle is under way now, a firefight, a little bit of Oietnam brought back home% =ut in this case the Oietcong are lying on =eautyrest mattresses% 4hey are sitting in cam'ing chairs and drinking malt li@uor, a )olunteer army facing off against the enlistees in the streets%

1.E

It+s im'ossible to know who all these sni'ers were% =ut it+s easy to understand why the 'olice called them sni'ers% It+s easy to understand why !ayor Jerome 6a)anaugh called them sni'ers, and -o)enor -eorge 0omney, too% " sni'er, by definition, acts alone% " sni'er is cowardly, sneaky; he kills from a distance, unseen% It was con)enient to call them sni'ers, because if they weren+t sni'ers, then what were theyD 4he go)ernor didn+t say it; the news'a'ers didn+t say it; the history books still do not say it, but I, who watched the entire thing on my bike, saw it clearly: in Detroit, in July of 196#, what ha''ened was nothing less than a guerrilla u'rising% 4he &econd "merican 0e)olution "nd now the guardsmen are fighting back% Ahen the riot first broke, the 'olice, on the whole, acted with restraint% 4hey mo)ed off, trying to contain the disturbance% *ikewise, the federal troo's, the 'aratroo'ers of the 5Cnd "irborne and 101st, are battle/hardened )eterans who know to use a''ro'riate force% =ut the Hational -uard is a different story% Aeekend warriors, they ha)e been called from their homes into sudden battle% 4hey are ine3'erienced, scared% 4hey mo)e through the streets, blasting away at anything they see% &ometimes they dri)e tanks right u' onto front lawns% 4hey dri)e onto 'eo'le+s 'orches and crash through the walls% 4he tank in front of the Gebra 0oom has sto''ed momentarily% 4en or so troo's surround it, taking aim at a sni'er on the fourth floor of the =eaumont 7otel% 4he sni'er fires; the Hational -uardsmen fire back, and the man dro's, his legs tangling on the fire esca'e% Directly thereafter, another light flashes across the street% !ilton looks u' to see !orrison in his li)ing room, lighting a cigarette% *ighting a arliament with the (ebra/stri'ed matches% ,Ho>1 !ilton shouts% ,Ho>1 K "nd !orrison, if he hears, Bust thinks it+s another diatribe against smoking, but let+s face it, he doesn+t hear% 7e only lights his cigarette and, two seconds later, a bullet ri's through the front of his skull and he crum'les in a hea'% "nd then the soldiers mo)e on% 4he street is em'ty again, silent% 4he machine guns and tanks begin ri''ing u' the ne3t block, or the block after that% !ilton stands at the front door, looking across at the em'ty window where !orrison had stood% "nd the reali(ation comes o)er him that the restaurant is safe% 4he soldiers ha)e come and gone% 4he riot is o)erK K?3ce't that now someone else is ad)ancing along the street% "s the tanks disa''ear down ingree, a new figure is a''roaching from the other direction% &omebody who li)es in the neighborhood is rounding the corner and heading for the Gebra 0oomK Kfollowing the line of tanks, I am no longer thinking about showing u' my brother% 4he outbreak of so much shooting has taken me com'letely by sur'rise% I ha)e looked through my father+s Aorld Aar II scra'book many times; I ha)e seen Oietnam on tele)ision; I ha)e ingested countless mo)ies about "ncient 0ome or the battles of the !iddle "ges% =ut none of it has 're'ared me for warfare in my own hometown% 4he street we are mo)ing down is lined with leafy elms% 6ars are 'arked at the curb% Ae 'ass lawns and 'orch furniture, bird feeders and birdbaths% "s I look u' at the cano'y of elms, the sky is Bust beginning to grow light% =irds mo)e among the branches, and s@uirrels, too% " kite is stuck u' in one tree% 2)er a limb of another, someone+s tennis shoes dangle with the laces knotted% Directly below these sneakers, I see a street sign% It is full of bullet holes, but I manage to read it: ingree% "ll of a sudden I recogni(e where I am% 4here is Oalue !eats> "nd Hew Jorker 6lothes% I am so ha''y to see them that for a moment I don+t register that both 'laces are on fire% *etting the tanks get

1.$

away, I ride u' a dri)eway and sto' behind a tree% I get off my bike and 'eek across the street at the diner% 4he (ebra head sign is still intact% 4he restaurant is not burning% "t that moment, howe)er, the figure that has been a''roaching the Gebra 0oom enters my field of )ision% 9rom thirty yards away I see him lift a bottle in his hand% 7e lights the rag hanging from the bottle+s mouth and with a not terribly good arm flings the !oloto) cocktail through the front window of the Gebra 0oom% "nd as flames eru't within the diner, the arsonist shouts in an ecstatic )oice: ,3pa , motherfucker>1 I saw him only from the back% It was not yet fully light% &moke rose from the adBacent burning buildings% &till, in the firelight, I thought I recogni(ed the black beret of my friend !arius Ay3(e/wi3ard 6hallouehlic(ilc(ese -rimes before the figure ran off% ,3pa' 1 Inside the diner, my father heard the well/known cry of -reek waiters, and before he knew what was ha''ening the 'lace was going u' like a flaming a''eti(er% 4he Gebra 0oom had become a saganaki > "s the booths caught fire, !ilton raced behind the counter to grab the fire e3tinguisher% 6oming out again, he held the hose, like a lemon wedge wra''ed in cheesecloth, o)er the flames, and 're'ared to s@uee(eK Kwhen suddenly he sto''ed% "nd now I recogni(e a familiar e3'ression on my father+s face, the e3'ression he wore so often at the dinner table, the faraway look of a man who could ne)er sto' thinking about business% &uccess de'ends on ada'ting to new situations% "nd what situation was newer than thisD 9lames were climbing the walls; the 'hoto of Jimmy Dorsey was curling u'% "nd !ilton was asking himself a few, 'ertinent @uestions% 9or instance: 7ow would he e)er run a restaurant in this neighborhood againD "nd: Ahat do you su''ose the already de'ressed real estate 'rices would be tomorrow morningD !ost im'ortant of all: 7ow was it a crimeD Did he start the riotD Did he throw the !oloto) cocktailD *ike 4essie, !ilton+s mind was searching the bottom drawer of his desk, in 'articular a fat en)elo'e containing the three fire insurance 'olicies from se'arate com'anies% 7e saw them in his mind+s eye; he read the fire indemnity co)erage, and added them u'% 4he final sum, _.00,000, blinded him to e)erything else% 7alf a million bucks> !ilton looked around with wild, eager eyes% 4he 9rench toast sign was in flames% 4he (ebra/skin barstools were like a row of torches% "nd madly, he turned and hurried outside to the 2ldsmobileK Ahere he encountered me% ,6allie> Ahat the hell are you doing hereD1 ,I came to hel'%1 ,Ahat+s the matter with you>1 !ilton shouted% =ut des'ite the anger in his )oice he was down on his knees, hugging me% I wra''ed my arms around his neck% ,4he restaurant+s burning down, Daddy%1 ,I know it is%1 I began to cry% ,It+s okay,1 my father told me, carrying me to the car% ,*et+s go home now% It+s all o)er%1 &o was it a riot or a guerrilla u'risingD *et me answer that @uestion with other @uestions% "fter the riot was o)er, were, or were there not, caches of wea'ons found all o)er the neighborhoodD "nd were these wea'ons, or were they not, "Q/$#s and machine gunsD "nd why had -eneral 4hrockmorton de'loyed his tanks on the ?ast &ide, miles from the riotingD Aas that the kind of thing you did to subdue an

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unorgani(ed gang of sni'ersD 2r was it more in kee'ing with military strategyD Aas it like establishing a front line in a warD =elie)e whate)er you want% I was se)en years old and followed a tank into battle and saw what I saw% It turned out that when it finally ha''ened, the re)olution wasn+t tele)ised% 2n 4O they called it only a riot% 4he following morning, as the smoke cleared, the city+s flag could once again be seen% 0emember the symbol on itD " 'hoeni3 rising from its ashes% "nd the words beneathD "peramus meliora4 resurget cineri$us % ,Ae ho'e for better things; it will rise from the ashes%1

Middlesex
&hameful as it is to say, the riots were the best thing that e)er ha''ened to us% 2)ernight we went from being a family des'erately trying to stay in the middle class to one with ho'es of sneaking into the u''er, or at least the u''er/middle% 4he insurance money didn+t amount to @uite as much as !ilton had antici'ated% 4wo of the com'anies refused to 'ay the full amount, citing double indemnity clauses% 4hey 'aid only a @uarter of their 'olicies+ )alue% &till, taken all together, the money was much more than the Gebra 0oom had been worth, and it allowed my 'arents to make some changes in our li)es% 2f all my childhood memories, none has the magic, the 'ure dreaminess, of the night we heard a honk outside our house and looked out the window to see that a s'aceshi' had landed in our dri)eway% It had set down noiselessly ne3t to my mother+s station wagon% 4he front lights flashed% 4he back end ga)e off a red glow% 9or thirty seconds nothing more ha''ened% =ut then finally the window of the s'aceshi' slowly retracted to re)eal, instead of a !artian inside, !ilton% 7e had sha)ed off his beard% ,-et your mother,1 he called, smiling% ,Ae+re going for a little ride%1 Hot a s'aceshi' then, but close: a 196# 6adillac 9leetwood, as intergalactic a car as Detroit e)er 'roduced% 84he moon shot was only a year away%: It was as black as s'ace itself and sha'ed like a rocket lying on its side% 4he long front end came to a 'oint, like a nose cone, and from there the craft stretched back along the dri)eway in a long, beautiful, ominously 'erfect sha'e% 4here was a sil)er multi/chambered grille, as though to filter stardust% 6hrome 'i'ing, like the housing for circuitry, led from conical yellow turn signals along the rounded sides of the car, all the way to the rear, where the )ehicle flared 'ro'ulsi)ely into Bet fins and rocket boosters% Inside, the 6adillac was as 'lushly car'eted and softly lit as the bar at the 0it(% 4he armrests were e@ui''ed with ashtrays and cigarette lighters% 4he interior itself was black leather and ga)e off a strong new smell% It was like climbing into somebody+s wallet% Ae didn+t mo)e right away% Ae remained 'arked, as if it were enough Bust to sit in the car, as if now that we owned it, we could forget about our li)ing room and stay in the dri)eway e)ery night% !ilton started the engine% Qee'ing the transmission in 'ark, he showed us the mar)els% 7e o'ened and closed the windows by 'ressing a button% 7e locked the doors by 'ressing another% 7e bu((ed the front seat forward, then tilted it back until I could see the dandruff on his shoulders% =y the time he 'ut the car into gear we were all slightly giddy% Ae dro)e away down &eminole, 'ast our neighbors+ houses, already saying farewell to Indian Oillage% "t the corner, !ilton 'ut the blinker on and it

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ticked, counting the seconds down to our e)entual de'arture% 4he +6# 9leetwood was my father+s first 6adillac, but there were many more to come% 2)er the ne3t se)en years, !ilton traded u' almost e)ery year, so it+s 'ossible for me to chart my life in relation to the styling features of his long line of 6adillacs% Ahen tail fins disa''eared, I was nine; when 'ower antennas arri)ed, ele)en% !y emotional life accords with the designs, too% In the si3ties, when 6adillacs were futuristically self/assured, I was also self/confident and forward/looking% In the gas/short se)enties, howe)er, when the manufacturer came out with the unfortunate &e)ille<a car that looked as though it had been rear/ended<I also felt missha'en% ick a year and I+ll tell you what car we had% 19#0: the cola/colored ?ldorado% 19#1: the red sedan DeOille% 19#C: the golden 9leetwood with the 'assenger sun )isor that o'ened u' into a starlet+s dressing room mirror 8in which 4essie checked her makeu' and I my first blemishes:% 19#E: the long, black, dome/roofed 9leetwood that made other cars sto', thinking a funeral was 'assing% 19#$: the canary/yellow, two/door ,9lorida &'ecial1 with white )inyl to', sunroof, and tan leather seats that my mother is still dri)ing today, almost thirty years later% =ut in 196# it was the s'ace/age 9leetwood% 2nce we got going the re@uired s'eed, !ilton said, ,2kay% How get a load of this%1 7e fli''ed a switch under the dash% 4here was a hissing sound, like balloons inflating% &lowly, as if lifted on a magic car'et, the four of us rose to the u''er reaches of the car+s interior% ,4hat+s what they call the L"ir/0ide%+ =rand/new feature% &mooth, huhD1 ,Is it some kind of hydraulic sus'ension systemD1 6ha'ter ?le)en wanted to know% ,I think so%1 ,!aybe I won+t ha)e to use my 'illow when I dri)e,1 said 4essie% 9or a moment after that, none of us s'oke% Ae were headed east, out of Detroit, literally floating on air% Ahich brings me to the second 'art of our u'ward mobility% &hortly after the riots, like many other white Detroiters, my 'arents began looking for a house in the suburbs% 4he suburb they had their sights on was the affluent lakefront district of the auto magnates: -rosse ointe% It was much harder than they e)er e3'ected% In the 6adillac, scouting the fi)e -rosse ointes 8the ark, the 6ity, the 9arms, the Aoods, the &hores:, my 'arents saw for sale signs on many lawns% =ut when they sto''ed in at the realty offices and filled out a''lications, they found that the houses suddenly went off the market, or were sold, or doubled in 'rice% "fter two months of searching, !ilton was down to his last real estate agent, a !iss Jane !arsh of -reat *akes 0ealty% 7e had her<and some growing sus'icions% ,4his 'ro'erty is rather eccentric,1 !iss !arsh is telling !ilton one &e'tember afternoon as she leads him u' the dri)eway% ,It takes a buyer with a little )ision%1 &he o'ens the front door and leads him inside% ,=ut it does ha)e @uite a 'edigree% It was designed by 7udson 6lark%1 &he waits for recognition% ,2f the rairie &choolD1 !ilton nods, dubiously% 7e swi)els his head, looking o)er the 'lace% 7e hadn+t much cared for the 'icture !iss !arsh had shown him o)er at the office% 4oo bo3y/looking% 4oo modern% ,I+m not sure my wife would go for this kind of thing, !iss !arsh%1 ,I+m afraid we don+t ha)e anything more traditional to show at the moment%1 &he leads him along a s'are white hallway and down a small flight of o'en stairs%

1.#

"nd now, as they ste' into the sunken li)ing room, !iss !arsh+s head begins to swi)el, too% &miling a 'olite smile that re)eals a rabbity e3'anse of u''er gum, she e3amines !ilton+s com'le3ion, his hair, his shoes% &he glances at his real estate a''lication again% ,&te'hanides% Ahat kind of name is thatD1 ,It+s -reek%1 ,-reek% 7ow interesting%1 !ore u''er gum flashes as !iss !arsh makes a notation on her 'ad% 4hen she resumes the tour: ,&unken li)ing room% -reenhouse adBoining the dining area% "nd, as you can see, the house is well su''lied with windows%1 ,It 'retty much is a window, !iss !arsh%1 !ilton mo)es closer to the glass and e3amines the backyard% !eanwhile, a few feet behind, !iss !arsh e3amines !ilton% ,!ay I ask what business you+re in, !r% &te'hanidesD1 ,4he restaurant business%1 "nother mark of 'en on 'ad% ,6an I tell you what churches we ha)e in the areaD Ahat denomination are youD1 ,I don+t go in for that sort of thing% !y wife takes the kids to the -reek church%1 ,&he+s a -recian, tooD1 ,&he+s a Detroiter% Ae+re both ?ast &iders%1 ,"nd you need s'ace for your two children, is that rightD1 ,Jes, ma+am% lus we ha)e my folks li)ing with us, too%1 ,2h, I see%1 "nd now 'ink gums disa''ear as !iss !arsh begins to add it all u'% .et+s see. "outhern Mediterranean. 3ne point. 8ot in one of the professions. 3ne point. Aeligion9 Greek church. !hat+s some kind of -atholic, isn+t it9 "o there+s another point there. #nd he has his parents li,ing with him' !wo more points' /hich makes;fi,e' 3h, that won+t do. !hat won+t do at all. 4o e3'lain !iss !arsh+s arithmetic: back in those days, the real estate agents in -rosse ointe e)aluated 'ros'ecti)e buyers by something called the oint &ystem% 8!ilton wasn+t the only one who worried about the neighborhood going to hell%: Ho one s'oke of it o'enly% 0ealtors only mentioned ,community standards1 and selling to ,the right sort of 'eo'le%1 How that white flight had begun, the oint &ystem was more im'ortant than e)er% Jou didn+t want what was ha''ening in Detroit to ha''en out here% Discreetly, !iss !arsh now draws a tiny ,.1 ne3t to ,&te'hanides1 and circles it% "s she does so, howe)er, she feels something% " kind of regret% 4he oint &ystem isn+t her idea, after all% It was in 'lace long before she came to -rosse ointe from Aichita, where her father works as a butcher% =ut there is nothing she can do% Jes, !iss !arsh feels sorry% ) mean, really. .ook at this house' /ho+s going to $uy it if not an )talian or a Greek. )+ll ne,er $e a$le to sell it. 8e,er' 7er client is still standing at the window, looking out% ,I do understand your 'reference for something more L2ld Aorld,+ !r% &te'hanides% Ae do get them from time to time% Jou Bust ha)e to be 'atient% I+)e got your tele'hone number% I+ll let you know if anything comes on the market%1 !ilton doesn+t hear her% 7e is absorbed in the )iew% 4he house has a roof deck, 'lus a 'atio out back% "nd there are two other, smaller buildings beyond that% ,4ell me more about this 7udson 6lark fella,1 he now asks% ,6larkD Aell, to be honest, he+s a minor figure%1 , rairie &chool, ehD1 ,7udson 6lark was no 9rank *loyd Aright, if that+s what you mean%1 ,Ahat are these outbuildings I see hereD1

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,I wouldn+t call them outbuildings, !r% &te'hanides% 4hat+s making it a bit grand% 2ne+s a bathhouse% 0ather decre'it, I+m afraid% I+m not sure it e)en works% =ehind that is the guest house% Ahich also needs a lot of work%1 ,=athhouseD 4hat+s different%1 !ilton turns away from the glass% 7e begins walking around the house, looking it o)er in a new light: the &tonehenge walls, the Qlimt tilework, the o'en rooms% ?)erything is geometric and grid/like% &unlight falls in beams through the many skylights% ,How that I+m in here,1 !ilton says, ,I sort of get the idea behind this 'lace% 4he 'hoto you showed me doesn+t do it Bustice%1 ,0eally, !r% &te'hanides, for a family such as yours, with young children, I+m not sure this is @uite the best<, =efore she can finish, howe)er, !ilton holds u' his hands in surrender% ,Jou don+t ha)e to show me any more% Decre'it outbuildings or not, I+ll take it%1 4here is a 'ause% !iss !arsh smiles with her double/decker gums% ,4hat+s wonderful, !r% &te'hanides,1 she says without enthusiasm% ,2f course, it+s all contingent on the a''ro)al of the loan%1 =ut now it is !ilton+s turn to smile% 9or all the disa)owals of its e3istence, the oint &ystem is no secret% 7arry Qarras tried unsuccessfully to buy a house in -rosse ointe the year before% &ame thing ha''ened to ete &a)idis% =ut no one is going to tell !ilton &te'hanides where to li)e% Hot !iss !arsh and not a bunch of country club real estate guys, either% ,Jou don+t ha)e to bother with that,1 my father said, relishing the moment% ,I+ll 'ay cash%1 2)er the barrier of the oint &ystem, my father managed to get us a house in -rosse ointe% It was the only time in his life he 'aid for anything u' front% =ut what about the other barriersD Ahat about the fact that real estate agents had shown him only the least/desirable houses, in the areas closest to DetroitD 7ouses no one else wantedD "nd what about his inability to see anything e3ce't the grand gesture, and the fact that he bought the house without first consulting my motherD Aell, for those 'roblems there was no remedy% 2n mo)ing day we set off in two cars% 4essie, fighting tears, took *efty and Desdemona in the family station wagon% !ilton dro)e 6ha'ter ?le)en and me in the new 9leetwood% "long Jefferson, signs of the riots still remained, as did my unanswered @uestions% ,Ahat about the =oston 4ea artyD1 I challenged my father from the backseat% ,4he colonists stole all that tea and dum'ed it into the harbor% 4hat was the same thing as a riot%1 ,4hat wasn+t the same at all,1 !ilton answered back% ,Ahat the hell are they teaching you in that school of yoursD Aith the =oston 4ea arty the "mericans were re)olting against another country that was o''ressing them%1 ,=ut it wasn+t another country, Daddy% It was the same country% 4here wasn+t e)en such a thing as the ;nited &tates then%1 ,*et me ask you something% Ahere was Qing -eorge when they dum'ed all that tea into the drinkD Aas he in =ostonD Aas he in "merica e)enD Ho% 7e was way the hell o)er there in ?ngland, eating crum'ets%1 4he im'lacable black 6adillac 'owered along, bearing my father, brother, and me out of the war/torn city% Ae crossed o)er a thin canal which, like a moat, se'arated Detroit from -rosse ointe% "nd then, before we had time to register the changes, we were at the house on !iddlese3 =oule)ard% 4he trees were what I noticed first% 4wo enormous wee'ing willows, like woolly

1.9

mammoths, on either side of the 'ro'erty% 4heir )ines hung o)er the dri)eway like streamers of s'onge at a car wash% "bo)e was the autumn sun% assing through the willows+ lea)es, it turned them a 'hos'horescent green% It was as though, in the middle of the block+s cool shade, a beacon had been switched on; and this im'ression was only strengthened by the house we+d now sto''ed in front of% !iddlese3> Did anybody e)er li)e in a house as strangeD "s sci/fiD "s futuristic and outdated at the same timeD " house that was more like communism, better in theory than realityD 4he walls were 'ale yellow, made of octagonal stone blocks framed by redwood siding along the roofline% late glass windows ran along the front% 7udson 6lark 8whose name !ilton would dro' for years to come, des'ite the fact that no one e)er recogni(ed it: had designed !iddlese3 to harmoni(e with the natural surroundings% In this case, that meant the two wee'ing willow trees and the mulberry growing against the front of the house% 9orgetting where he was 8a conser)ati)e suburb: and what was on the other side of those trees 8the 4urnbulls and the icketts:, 6lark followed the 'rinci'les of 9rank *loyd Aright, banishing the Oictorian )ertical in fa)or of a midwestern hori(ontal, o'ening u' the interior s'aces, and bringing in a Ja'anese influence% !iddlese3 was a testament to theory uncom'romised by 'racticality% 9or instance: 7udson 6lark hadn+t belie)ed in doors% 4he conce't of the door, of this thing that swung one way or the other, was outmoded% &o on !iddlese3 we didn+t ha)e doors% Instead we had long, accordion/like barriers, made from sisal, that worked by a 'neumatic 'um' located down in the basement% 4he conce't of stairs in the traditional sense was also something the world no longer needed% &tairs re'resented a teleological )iew of the uni)erse, of one thing leading to another, whereas now e)eryone knew that one thing didn+t lead to another but often nowhere at all% &o neither did our stairs% 2h, they went u', e)entually% 4hey took the 'ersistent climber to the second floor, but on the way they took him lots of other 'laces as well% 4here was a landing, for instance, o)erhung with a mobile% 4he stairway walls had 'ee'holes and shel)es cut into them% "s you climbed, you could see the legs of someone 'assing along the hallway abo)e% Jou could s'y on someone down in the li)ing room% ,Ahere are the closetsD1 4essie asked as soon as we got inside% ,6losetsD1 ,4he kitchen+s a million miles away from the family room, !ilt% ?)ery time you want a snack you ha)e to trai'se all the way across the house%1 ,It+ll gi)e us some e3ercise%1 ,"nd how am I su''osed to find curtains for those windowsD 4hey don+t make curtains that big% ?)eryone can see right in>1 ,4hink of it this way% Ae can see right out%1 =ut then there was a scream at the other end of the house: ,Mana' 1 "gainst her better Budgment, Desdemona had 'ressed a button on the wall% ,Ahat kind door this isD1 she was shouting as we all came running% ,It mo)e by itself>1 ,7ey, cool,1 said 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,4ry it, 6al% ut your head in the doorway% Jeah, like that K1 ,Don+t fool with that door, kids%1 ,I+m Bust testing the 'ressure%1 ,2w>1 ,Ahat did I tell youD =irdbrain% How get your sister out of the door%1 ,I+m trying% 4he button doesn+t work%1

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,Ahat do you mean it doesn+t workD1 ,2h, this is wonderful, !ilt% Ho closets, and now we ha)e to call the fire de'artment to get 6allie out of the door%1 ,It+s not designed to ha)e someone+s neck in it%1 ,Mana' 1 ,6an you breathe, honeyD1 ,Jeah, but it hurts%1 ,It+s like that guy at 6arlsbad 6a)erns,1 said 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,7e got stuck and they had to feed him for forty days and then he finally died%1 ,&to' wriggling, 6allie% Jou+re making it<, ,I+m not wriggling<, ,I can see 6allie+s underwear> I can see 6allie+s underwear>1 ,&to' that right now%1 ,7ere, 4essie, take 6allie+s leg% 2kay, on three% "/one and a/two and a/three>1 Ae settled in, with our )arious misgi)ings% "fter the incident with the 'neumatic door, Desdemona had a 'remonition that this house of modern con)eniences 8which was in fact nearly as old as she was: would be the last she would e)er li)e in% &he mo)ed what remained of her and my grandfather+s belongings into the guest house<the brass coffee table, the silkworm bo3, the 'ortrait of atriarch "thenagoras<but she could ne)er get used to the skylight, which was like a hole in the roof, or the 'ush/'edal faucet in the bathroom, or the bo3 that s'oke on the wall% 8?)ery room on !iddlese3 was e@ui''ed with an intercom% =ack when they had been installed in the 19$0s<o)er thirty years after the house itself had been built in 1909<the intercoms had 'robably all worked% =ut by 196# you might s'eak into the kitchen intercom only to ha)e your )oice come out in the master bedroom% 4he s'eakers distorted our )oices, so that we had to listen )ery closely to understand what was being said, like deci'hering a child+s first, garbled s'eech%: 6ha'ter ?le)en ta''ed into the 'neumatic system in the basement and s'ent hours sending a ing/ ong ball around the house through a network of )acuum cleaner hoses% 4essie ne)er sto''ed com'laining about the lack of closet s'ace and the im'ractical layout, but gradually, thanks to a touch of claustro'hobia, she grew to a''reciate !iddlese3+s glass walls% *efty cleaned them% !aking himself useful as always, he took u'on himself the &isy'hean task of kee'ing all those !odernist surfaces s'arkling% Aith the same concentration he trained on the aorist tense of ancient -reek )erbs<a tense so full of weariness it s'ecified actions that might ne)er be com'leted<*efty now cleaned the huge 'icture windows, the fogged glass of the greenhouse, the sliding doors that led to the courtyard, and e)en the skylights% "s he was Ainde3ing the new house, howe)er, 6ha'ter ?le)en and I were e3'loring it% 2r, I should say, them% 4he meditati)e, 'astel yellow cube that faced the street contained the main li)ing @uarters% =ehind that lay a courtyard with a dry 'ool and a fragile dogwood leaning o)er in )ain to see its reflection% "long the western edge of this courtyard, e3tending from the back of the kitchen, ran a white, translucent tunnel, something like the tubes that conduct football teams onto the field% 4his tunnel led to a small domed outbuilding<a sort of huge igloo< surrounded by a co)ered 'orch% Inside was a bathing 'ool 8Bust warming u' now, getting ready to 'lay its 'art in my life:% =ehind the bathhouse was yet another courtyard, floored with smooth black stones% "long the eastern edge of this, to balance the tunnel, ran a 'ortico lined with thin brown iron beams% 4he 'ortico led u' to the

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guest house, where no guests e)er stayed: only Desdemona, for a short time with her husband and a long time alone% =ut more im'ortant to a kid: !iddlese3 had lots of sneaker/si(ed ledges to walk along% It had dee', concrete window wells 'erfect for making into forts% It had sun decks and catwalks% 6ha'ter ?le)en and I climbed all o)er !iddlese3% *efty would wash the windows and, fi)e minutes later, my brother and I would come along, leaning on the glass and lea)ing finger'rints% "nd seeing them, our tall, mute grandfather, who in another life might ha)e been a 'rofessor but in this one was holding a wet rag and bucket, only smiled and washed the windows all o)er again% "lthough he ne)er said a word to me, I lo)ed my 6ha'lines@ue papou % 7is s'eechlessness seemed to be an act of refinement% It went with his elegant clothes, his shoes with wo)en )am's, the gla(e of his hair% "nd yet he was not stiff at all but 'layful, e)en comedic% Ahen he took me for rides in the car *efty often 'retended to fall aslee' at the wheel% &uddenly his eyes would close and he would slum' to one side% 4he car would continue on, un'iloted, drifting toward the curb% I laughed, screamed, 'ulled my hair and kicked my legs% "t the last 'ossible second, *efty would s'ring awake, taking the wheel and a)erting disaster% Ae didn+t need to s'eak to each other% Ae understood each other without s'eaking% =ut then a terrible thing ha''ened% It is a &aturday morning a few weeks after our mo)e to !iddlese3% *efty is taking me for a walk around the new neighborhood% 4he 'lan is to go down to the lake% 7and in hand we stroll across our new front lawn% 6hange is clinking in his trouser 'ocket, Bust below the le)el of my shoulders% I run my fingers o)er his thumb, fascinated by the missing nail, which *efty has always told me a monkey bit off at the (oo% How we reach the sidewalk% 4he man who makes the sidewalks in -rosse ointe has left his name in the cement: J% % &teiger% 4here is also a crack, where ants are ha)ing a war% How we are crossing the grass between the sidewalk and the street% "nd now we are at the curb% I ste' down% *efty doesn+t% Instead, he dro's, cleanly, si3 inches into the street% &till holding his hand, I laugh at him for being so clumsy% *efty laughs, too% =ut he doesn+t look at me% 7e kee's staring straight ahead into s'ace% "nd, ga(ing u', I suddenly can see things about my grandfather I should be too young to see% I see fear in his eyes, and bewilderment, and, most astonishing of all, the fact that some adult worry is taking 'recedence o)er our walk together% 4he sun is in his eyes% 7is 'u'ils contract% Ae remain at the curb, in its dust and leaf matter% 9i)e seconds% 4en seconds% *ong enough for *efty to come face/to/face with the e)idence of his own diminished faculties and for me to feel the onrush of my own growing ones% Ahat nobody knew: *efty had had another stroke the week before% "lready s'eechless, he now began to suffer s'atial disorientation% 9urniture ad)anced and retreated in the mechanical manner of a fun house% *ike 'ractical Bokers, chairs offered themsel)es and then 'ulled away at the last moment% 4he diamonds of the backgammon board undulated like 'layer 'iano keys% *efty told no one% =ecause he no longer trusted himself to dri)e, *efty started taking me on walks instead% 84hat was how we+d arri)ed at that curb, the curb he couldn+t wake u' and turn away from in time%: Ae went along !iddlese3, the silent, old, foreign gentleman and his skinny granddaughter, a girl who talked enough for two, who babbled so fluently that her father the e3/clarinet man liked to Boke she knew circular breathing% I was getting used to -rosse ointe, to the genteel mothers in chiffon headscar)es and to the

16C

dark, cy'ress/shrouded house where the one Jewish family li)ed 8ha)ing also 'aid cash:% Ahereas my grandfather was getting used to a much more terrifying reality% 7olding my hand to kee' his balance, as trees and bushes made strange, sliding mo)ements in his 'eri'heral )ision, *efty was confronting the 'ossibility that consciousness was a biological accident% 4hough he+d ne)er been religious, he reali(ed now that he+d always belie)ed in the soul, in a force of 'ersonality that sur)i)ed death% =ut as his mind continued to wa)er, to short/circuit, he finally arri)ed at the cold/eyed conclusion, so at odds with his youthful cheerfulness, that the brain was Bust an organ like any other and that when it failed he would be no more% " se)en/year/old girl can take only so many walks with her grandfather% I was the new kid on the block and wanted to make friends% 9rom our roof deck I sometimes glim'sed a girl about my age who li)ed in the house behind us% &he came out onto a small balcony in the e)enings and tugged 'etals off flowers in the window bo3% In friskier moods, she 'erformed la(y 'irouettes, as though to the accom'animent of my own music bo3, which I always brought to the roof to kee' me com'any% &he had long, white/blond hair cut in bangs, and since I ne)er saw her in the daytime, I decided she was an albino% =ut I was wrong: because there she was one afternoon in sunshine, getting a ball that had flown onto our 'ro'erty% 7er name was 6lementine &tark% &he wasn+t an albino, Bust )ery 'ale, and allergic to hard/to/a)oid items 8grass, house dust:% 7er father was about to ha)e a heart attack, and my memories of her now are tinged with a blue wash of misfortune that hadn+t @uite befallen her at the time% &he was standing bare/legged in the Bungly weeds that grew u' between our houses% 7er skin was already beginning to react to the grass cuttings stuck to the ball, whose sogginess was suddenly e3'lained by the o)erweight *abrador who now lim'ed into )iew% 6lementine &tark had a cano'y bed moored like an im'erial barge at one end of her sea/blue bedroom car'et% &he had a collection of mounted 'oisonous/looking insects% &he was a year older than me, hence worldly, and had been to Qrakow once, which was in oland% =ecause of her allergies, 6lementine was ke't indoors a lot% 4his led to our being inside together most of the time and to 6lementine+s teaching me how to kiss% Ahen I told my life story to Dr% *uce, the 'lace where he in)ariably got interested was when I came to 6lementine &tark% *uce didn+t care about criminally smitten grand'arents or silkworm bo3es or serenading clarinets% 4o a certain e3tent, I understand% I e)en agree% 6lementine &tark in)ited me o)er to her house% Aithout e)en com'aring it to !iddlese3, it was an o)erwhelmingly medie)al/looking 'lace, a fortress of gray stone, unlo)ely e3ce't for the one e3tra)agance<a concession to the 'rincess<of a single, 'ointed tower flying a la)ender 'ennant% Inside there were ta'estries on the walls, a suit of armor with 9rench scri't o)er the )isor, and, in black leotards, 6lementine+s slender mother% &he was doing leg lifts% ,4his is 6allie,1 6lementine said% ,&he+s coming o)er to 'lay%1 I beamed% I attem'ted a kind of curtsy% 84his was my introduction to 'olite society, after all%: =ut 6lementine+s mother didn+t so much as turn her head% ,Ae Bust mo)ed in,1 I said% ,Ae li)e in the house behind yours%1 How she frowned% I thought I+d said something wrong<my first eti@uette mistake in -rosse ointe% !rs% &tark said, ,Ahy don+t you girls go u'stairsD1 Ae did% In her bedroom 6lementine mounted a rocking horse% 9or the ne3t three

16E

minutes she rode it without saying another word% 4hen she abru'tly got off% ,I used to ha)e a turtle but he esca'ed%1 ,7e didD1 ,!y mom says he could sur)i)e if he made it outside%1 ,7e+s 'robably dead,1 I said% 6lementine acce'ted this bra)ely% &he came o)er and held her arm ne3t to mine% ,*ook, I+)e got freckles like the =ig Di''er,1 she announced% Ae stood side to side before the full/length mirror, making faces% 4he rims of 6lementine+s eyes were inflamed% &he yawned% &he rubbed her nose with the heel of her hand% "nd then she asked, ,Do you want to 'ractice kissingD1 I didn+t know what to answer% I already knew how to kiss, didn+t ID Aas there something more to learnD =ut while these @uestions were going through my head, 6lementine was going ahead with the lesson% &he came around to face me% Aith a gra)e e3'ression she 'ut her arms around my neck% 4he necessary s'ecial effects are not in my 'ossession, but what I+d like for you to imagine is 6lementine+s white face coming close to mine, her slee'y eyes closing, her medicine/sweet li's 'uckering u', and all the other sounds of the world going silent<the rustling of our dresses, her mother counting leg lifts downstairs, the air'lane outside making an e3clamation mark in the sky<all silent, as 6lementine+s highly educated, eight/year/old li's met mine% "nd then, somewhere below this, my heart reacting% Hot a thum' e3actly% Hot e)en a lea'% =ut a kind of swish, like a frog kicking off from a muddy bank% !y heart, that am'hibian, mo)ing that moment between two elements: one, e3citement; the other, fear% I tried to 'ay attention% I tried to hold u' my end of things% =ut 6lementine was way ahead of me% &he swi)eled her head back and forth the way actresses did in the mo)ies% I started doing the same, but out of the corner of her mouth she scolded, ,Jou+re the man%1 &o I sto''ed% I stood stiffly with arms at my sides% 9inally 6lementine broke off the kiss% &he looked at me blankly a moment, and then res'onded, ,Hot bad for your first time%1 ,!o/om>1 I shouted, coming home that e)ening% ,I made a friend>1 I told 4essie about 6lementine, the old rugs on the walls, the 'retty mother doing e3ercises, omitting only the kissing lessons% 9rom the beginning I was aware that there was something im'ro'er about the way I felt about 6lementine &tark, something I shouldn+t tell my mother, but I wouldn+t ha)e been able to articulate it% I didn+t connect this feeling to se3% I didn+t know se3 e3isted% ,6an I in)ite her o)erD1 ,&ure,1 said 4essie, relie)ed that my loneliness in the neighborhood was now o)er% ,I bet she+s ne)er seen a house like ours%1 "nd now it is a cool, gray 2ctober day a week or so later% 9rom the back of a yellow house, two girls emerge, 'laying geisha% Ae ha)e coiled u' our hair and crossed take/out cho'sticks in it% Ae wear sandals and silk shawls% Ae carry umbrellas, 'retending they+re 'arasols% I know bits of !he Flower 1rum "ong , which I sing as we tra)erse the courtyard and mount the ste's to the bathhouse% Ae come in the door, failing to notice a dark sha'e in the corner% Inside, the bath is a bright, bubbling tur@uoise% &ilk robes fall to floor% 4wo giggling flamingos, one fair/skinned, the other light oli)e, test the water with one toe each% ,It+s too hot%1 ,It+s su''osed to be that way%1 ,Jou first%1 ,Ho, you%1 ,2kay%1 "nd then: in% =oth of us% 4he smell of redwood and eucaly'tus% 4he smell of sandalwood soa'% 6lementine+s hair 'lastered to her skull%

16$

7er foot a''earing now and then abo)e the water like a shark fin% Ae laugh, float, waste my mother+s bath beads% &team rises from the surface so thick it obscures the walls, the ceiling, the dark sha'e in the corner% I+m e3amining the arches of my feet, trying to understand what it means that they ha)e ,fallen,1 when I see 6lementine breasting through the water to me% 7er face a''ears out of the steam% I think we+re going to kiss again, but instead she wra's her legs around my waist% &he+s laughing hysterically, co)ering her mouth% 7er eyes widen and she says into my ear, ,-et some comfort%1 &he hoots like a monkey and 'ulls me back onto a shelf in the tub% I fall between her legs, I fall on to' of her, we sink K and then we+re twirling, s'inning in the water, me on to', then her, then me, and giggling, and making bird cries% &team en)elo's us, cloaks us; light s'arkles on the agitated water; and we kee' s'inning, so that at some 'oint I+m not sure which hands are mine, which legs% Ae aren+t kissing% 4his game is far less serious, more 'layful, free/style, but we+re gri''ing each other, trying not to let the other+s sli''ery body go, and our knees bum', our tummies sla', our hi's slide back and forth% Oarious submerged softnesses on 6lementine+s body are deli)ering crucial information to mine, information I store away but won+t understand until years later% 7ow long do we s'inD I ha)e no idea% =ut at some 'oint we get tired% 6lementine beaches on the shelf, with me on to'% I rise on my knees to get my bearings<and then free(e, hot water or not% 9or right there, sitting in the corner of the room<is my grandfather> I see him for a second, leaning o)er sideways<is he laughingD angryD<and then the steam rises again and blots him out% I am too stunned to mo)e or s'eak% 7ow long has he been thereD Ahat did he seeD ,Ae were Bust doing water ballet,1 6lementine says lamely% 4he steam 'arts again% *efty hasn+t mo)ed% 7e+s sitting e3actly as before, head tilted to one side% 7e looks as 'ale as 6lementine% 9or one cra(y second I think he+s 'laying our dri)ing game, 'retending to aslee', but then I understand that he will ne)er 'lay anything e)er againK "nd ne3t all the intercoms in the house are wailing% I shout to 4essie in the kitchen, who shouts to !ilton in the den, who shouts to Desdemona in the guest house% ,6ome @uick> &omething+s wrong with papou >1 "nd then more screaming and an ambulance flashing its lights and my mother telling 6lementine it+s time for her to go home now% *ater that night: the s'otlight rises on two rooms in our new house on !iddlese3% In one 'ool of light, an old woman crosses herself and 'rays, while in the other a se)en/year/old girl is also 'raying, 'raying for forgi)eness, because it was clear to me that I was res'onsible% It was what I did K what *efty saw K "nd I am 'romising ne)er to do anything like that again and asking Please don+t let 'a'ou die and swearing )t was -lementine+s fault. "he made me do it. 8"nd now it+s time for !r% &tark+s heart to ha)e its moment% Its arteries coated with what looks like foie gras, it sei(es u' one day% 6lementine+s father crum'les forward in the shower% Down on the first floor, sensing something, !rs% &tark sto's doing leg lifts; and three weeks later she sells the house and mo)es her daughter away% I ne)er saw 6lementine again K: *efty did reco)er and came home from the hos'ital% =ut this was only a 'ause in the slow but ine)itable dissolution of his mind% 2)er the ne3t three years, the hard disk of his memory slowly began to be erased, beginning with the most recent information and 'roceeding backward% "t first *efty forgot short/term things like where+d he 'ut down his fountain 'en or his glasses, and then he forgot what day it was, what month,

16.

and finally what year% 6hunks of his life fell away, so that while we were mo)ing ahead in time, he was mo)ing back% In 1969 it became clear to us that he was li)ing in 1965, because he ke't shaking his head o)er the assassinations of !artin *uther Qing, Jr%, and 0obert Qennedy% =y the time we crossed o)er into the )alley of the se)enties, *efty was back in the fifties% 2nce again he was e3cited about the com'letion of the &t% *awrence &eaway, and he sto''ed referring to me altogether because I hadn+t been born% 7e ree3'erienced his gambling mania and his feelings of uselessness after retiring, but this soon 'assed because it was the 19$0s and he was running the bar and grill again% ?)ery morning he got u' as though he were going to work% Desdemona had to de)ise elaborate ruses to satisfy him, telling him that our kitchen was the Gebra 0oom, only redecorated, and lamenting at how bad business was% &ometimes she in)ited ladies from church o)er who 'layed along, ordering coffee and lea)ing money on the kitchen counter% In his mind *efty &te'hanides grew younger and younger while in actuality he continued to age, so that he often tried to lift things he couldn+t or to tackle stairs his legs couldn+t climb% 9alls ensued% 4hings shattered% "t these moments, bending to hel' him u', Desdemona would see a momentary clarity in her husband+s eyes, as if he were 'laying along too, 'retending to reli)e his life in the 'ast so as not to face the 'resent% 4hen he would begin to cry and Desdemona would lie down ne3t to him, holding him until the fit ended% =ut soon he was back in the thirties and was searching the radio, listening for s'eeches from 9D0% 7e mistook our black milkman for Jimmy Gi(mo and sometimes climbed u' into his truck, thinking they were going rum/running% ;sing his chalkboard, he engaged the milkman in con)ersations about bootleg whiskey, and e)en if this had made sense, the milkman wouldn+t ha)e been able to understand, because right about this time *efty+s ?nglish began to deteriorate% 7e made s'elling and grammatical mistakes he+d long mastered and soon he was writing broken ?nglish and then no ?nglish at all% 7e made written allusions to =ursa, and now Desdemona began to worry% &he knew that the backward 'rogression of her husband+s mind could lead to only one 'lace, back to the days when he wasn+t her husband but her brother, and she lay in bed at night awaiting the moment with tre'idation% In a sense she began to li)e in re)erse, too, because she suffered the heart 'al'itations of her youth% 3 God, she 'rayed, .et me die now. efore .efty gets $ack to the $oat % "nd then one morning when she got u', *efty was sitting at the breakfast table% 7is hair was 'omaded a la Oalentino with some Oaseline he+d found in the medicine chest% " dishrag was wra''ed around his neck like a scarf% "nd on the table was the chalkboard, on which was written, in -reek, ,-ood morning, sis%1 9or three days he teased her as he used to do, and 'ulled her hair, and 'erformed dirty Qaraghio(is 'u''et shows% Desdemona hid his chalkboard, but it was no use% During &unday dinner he took a fountain 'en from ;ncle ete+s shirt 'ocket and wrote on the tablecloth, ,4ell my sister she+s getting fat%1 Desdemona blanched% &he 'ut her hands to her face and waited for the blow she+d always feared to descend% =ut eter 4atakis only took the 'en from *efty and said, ,It a''ears that *efty is now under the delusion that you are his sister%1 ?)eryone laughed% Ahat else could they doD Hey there, sis, e)eryone ke't saying to Desdemona all afternoon, and each time she Bum'ed; each time she thought her heart would sto'% =ut this stage didn+t last long% !y grandfather+s mind, locked in its gra)eyard s'iral, accelerated as it hurtled toward its destruction, and three days later he started

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cooing like a baby and the ne3t he started soiling himself% "t that 'oint, when there was almost nothing left of him, -od allowed *efty &te'hanides to remain another three months, until the winter of 19#0% In the end he became as fragmentary as the 'oems of &a''ho he ne)er succeeded in restoring, and finally one morning he looked u' into the face of the woman who+d been the greatest lo)e of his life and failed to recogni(e her% "nd then there was another kind of blow inside his head; blood 'ooled in his brain for the last time, washing e)en the last fragments of his self away% 9rom the beginning there e3isted a strange balance between my grandfather and me% "s I cried my first cry, *efty was silenced; and as he gradually lost the ability to see, to taste, to hear, to think or e)en remember, I began to see, taste, and remember e)erything, e)en stuff I hadn+t seen, eaten, or done% "lready latent inside me, like the future 1C0 m'h ser)e of a tennis 'rodigy, was the ability to communicate between the genders, to see not with the mono)ision of one se3 but in the stereosco'e of both% &o that at the makaria after the funeral, I looked around the table at the -recian -ardens and knew what e)eryone was feeling% !ilton was beset by a storm of emotion he refused to acknowledge% 7e worried that if he s'oke he might start to cry, and so said nothing throughout the meal, and 'lugged his mouth with bread% 4essie was sei(ed with a des'erate lo)e for 6ha'ter ?le)en and me and ke't hugging us and smoothing our hair, because children were the only balm against death% &ourmelina was remembering the day at -rand 4runk when she+d told *efty that she would know his nose anywhere% eter 4atakis was lamenting the fact that he would ne)er ha)e a widow to mourn his death% 9ather !ike was fa)orably re)iewing the eulogy he+d gi)en earlier that morning, while "unt Go was wishing she had married someone like her father% 4he only one whose emotions I couldn+t 'lumb was Desdemona% &ilently, in the widow+s 'osition of honor at the head of the table, she 'icked at her whitefish and drank her glass of !a)roda'hne, but her thoughts were as obscured to me as her face behind her black )eil% *acking any clair)oyance into my grandmother+s state of mind that day, I+ll Bust tell you what ha''ened ne3t% "fter the makaria , my 'arents, grandmother, brother, and I got into my father+s 9leetwood% Aith a 'ur'le funeral 'ennant flying from the antenna, we left -reektown and headed down Jefferson% 4he 6adillac was three years old now, the oldest one !ilton e)er had% "s we were 'assing the old !edusa 6ement factory, I heard a long hiss and thought that my yia yia , sitting ne3t to me, was sighing o)er her misfortunes% =ut then I noticed that the seat was tilting% Desdemona was sinking down% &he who had always feared automobiles was being swallowed by the backseat% It was the "ir/0ide% Jou weren+t su''osed to turn it on unless you were going at least thirty miles 'er hour% Distracted by grief, !ilton had been going only twenty/fi)e% 4he hydraulic system ru'tured% 4he 'assenger side of the car slo'ed down and stayed like that from then on% 8"nd my father began trading in his cars in e)ery year%: *im'ing, dragging, we returned home% !y mother hel'ed Desdemona out of the car and led her to the guest house out back% It took some time% Desdemona ke't leaning on her cane to rest% 9inally, outside her door, she announced, ,4essie, I am going to bed now%1 ,2kay, yia yia ,1 my mother said% ,Jou take a rest%1 ,I am going to bed,1 Desdemona said again% &he turned and went inside% =eside the bed, her silkworm bo3 was still o'en% 4hat morning, she had taken out *efty+s wedding crown, cutting it away from her own so he could be buried with it% &he looked

16#

into the bo3 for a moment now before closing it% 4hen she undressed% &he took off her black dress and hung it in the garment bag full of mothballs% &he returned her shoes to the bo3 from enney+s% "fter 'utting on her nightgown, she rinsed out her 'anty hose in the bathroom and hung them o)er the shower rod% "nd then, e)en though it was only three in the afternoon, she got into bed% 9or the ne3t ten years, e3ce't for a bath e)ery 9riday, she ne)er got out again%

The Mediterranean 'iet

&he didn+t like being left on earth% &he didn+t like being left in "merica% &he was tired of li)ing% &he was ha)ing a harder and harder time climbing stairs% " woman+s life was o)er once her husband died% &omebody had gi)en her the e)il eye% &uch were the answers 9ather !ike brought back to us the third day after Desdemona refused to get out of bed% !y mother asked him to talk to her and he returned from the guest house with his 9ra "ngelico eyebrows lifted in tender e3as'eration% ,Don+t worry, it+ll 'ass,1 he said% ,I see this kind of thing with widows all the time%1 Ae belie)ed him% =ut as the weeks went by, Desdemona only became more de'ressed and withdrawn% " habitual early riser, she began to slee' late% Ahen my mother brought in a breakfast tray, Desdemona o'ened one eye and gestured for her to lea)e it% ?ggs got cold% 6offee filmed o)er% 4he only thing that roused her was her daily lineu' of soa' o'eras% &he watched the cheating husbands and scheming wi)es as faithfully as e)er, but she didn+t re'rimand them anymore, as if she+d gi)en u' correcting the errors of the world% ro''ed u' against the headboard, her hairnet cinched on her forehead like a diadem, Desdemona looked as ancient and indomitable as the elderly Pueen Oictoria% " @ueen of a sce'tered isle that consisted only of a bird/filled bedroom% " @ueen in e3ile, with only two attendants remaining, 4essie and me% , ray for me to die,1 she instructed me% , ray for yia yia to die and go be with papou %1 K=ut before I go on with Desdemona+s story, I want to u'date you on de)elo'ments with Julie Qikuchi% Aith regard to the main 'oint: there ha)e been no de)elo'ments% 2n our last day in omerania, we got )ery co(y, Julie and I% omerania belonged to ?ast -ermany% 4he seaside )illas of 7erringsdorf had been allowed to fall a'art for fifty years% How, after reunification, there is a real estate boom% =eing "mericans, Julie and I could not fail but be alert to this% "s we strolled the wide boardwalk, holding hands, we s'eculated about buying this or that old, crumbling )illa and fi3ing it u'% ,Ae could get used to the nudists,1 Julie said% ,Ae could get a omeranian,1 I said% I don+t know what came o)er us% 4hat ,we%1 Ae were 'rodigal in its usage, we were reckless with its im'lications% "rtists ha)e good instinct for real estate% "nd 7erringsdorf energi(ed Julie% Ae in@uired about a few co/o's, a new thing here% Ae toured two or three mansions% It was all )ery marital% ;nder the influence of that old, aristocratic, nineteenth/century summer resort, Julie and I were acting old/fashioned, too% Ae discussed setting u' house without e)en ha)ing sle't together% =ut of course we ne)er mentioned lo)e or marriage% 2nly down 'ayments% =ut on the way back to =erlin a familiar fear descended on me% 7umming o)er the road, I began to look ahead% I thought of the ne3t ste' and what would be re@uired

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of me% 4he 're'arations, the e3'lanations, the )ery real 'ossibility of shock, horror, withdrawal, rebuff% 4he usual reactions% ,Ahat+s the matterD1 Julie asked me% ,Hothing%1 ,Jou seem @uiet%1 ,Just tired%1 In =erlin, I dro''ed her off% !y hug was cold, 'erem'tory% I ha)en+t called her since% &he left a message on my machine% I didn+t res'ond% "nd now she has sto''ed calling, too% &o it+s all o)er with Julie% 2)er before it began% "nd instead of sharing a future with someone, I am back again with the 'ast, with Desdemona who wanted no future at allK I brought her dinner, sometimes lunch% I carried trays along the 'ortico of brown metal 'osts% "bo)e was the sun deck, underutili(ed, the redwood rotting% 4o my right was the bathhouse, smooth and 'oured% 4he guest house re'eated the clean, rectilinear lines of the main house% 4he architecture of !iddlese3 was an attem't to redisco)er 'ure origins% "t the time, I didn+t know about all that% =ut as I 'ushed through the door into the skylit guest house I was aware of the dis'arities% 4he bo3like room, stri''ed of all embellishment or 'arlor fussiness, a room that wished to be timeless or ahistorical, and there, in the middle of it, my dee'ly historical, timeworn grandmother% ?)erything about !iddlese3 s'oke of forgetting and e)erything about Desdemona made 'lain the inesca'ability of remembering% "gainst her hea' of 'illows she lay, e3uding woe )a'ors, but in a kindly way% 4hat was the signature of my grandmother and the -reek ladies of her generation: the kindliness of their des'air% 7ow they moaned while offering you sweets> 7ow they com'lained of 'hysical ailments while 'atting your knee> !y )isits always cheered Desdemona u'% ,7ello, dolly mou ,1 she said, smiling% I sat on the bed as she stroked my hair, cooing endearments in -reek% Aith my brother Desdemona ke't a ha''y face the entire time he was there% =ut with me, after ten minutes, her buoyant eyes subsided, and she told me the truth about how she felt% ,I am too old now% 4oo old, honey%1 7er lifelong hy'ochondria had ne)er had a better field in which to flower% Ahen she first sentenced herself to the mahogany limbo of her four/'oster bed, Desdemona com'lained only of her usual heart 'al'itations% =ut a week later she began to suffer fatigue, di((iness, and circulation 'roblems% ,I am ha)ing in my legs 'ain% 4he blood it doesn+t mo)e%1 ,&he+s fine,1 Dr% hilobosian told my 'arents, after a half/hour e3amination% ,Hot young anymore, but I see nothing serious%1 ,I no can breathe>1 Desdemona argued with him% ,Jour lungs sound fine%1 ,!y leg it is like needles%1 ,4ry rubbing it% 4o stimulate the circulation%1 ,7e+s too old now too,1 Desdemona said after Dr% hil had left% ,-et me a new doctor who he isn+t already dead himself%1 !y 'arents com'lied% Oiolating our family loyalty to Dr% hil, they went behind his back and called in new 'hysicians% " Dr% 4uttlesworth% " Dr% Qat(% 4he unfortunately named Dr% 6old% ?)ery single one ga)e Desdemona the same dire diagnosis that there was nothing wrong with her% 4hey looked into the wrinkled 'runes of her eyes; they 'eered into the dried a'ricots of her ears; they listened to the indestructible 'um' of her heart, and 'ronounced her well%

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Ae tried to caBole her out of bed% Ae in)ited her to watch 8e,er on "unday on the big tele)ision% Ae called "unt *ina in Hew !e3ico and 'ut the 'hone u' to the intercom% ,*isten, Des, why don+t you )isit me down hereD It+s so hot you+ll think you+re back in the horeo %1 ,I no can hear you, *ina>1 Desdemona shouted, des'ite her lung 'roblems% ,It is working no good the machine>1 9inally, a''ealing to Desdemona+s fear of -od, 4essie told her that it was a sin to miss church when you were 'hysically able to go% =ut Desdemona 'atted the mattress% ,4he ne3t time I go to the church is in a coffin%1 &he began to make final 're'arations% 9rom her bed she directed my mother to clean out the closets% , Papou +s clothes you can gi)e to the -oodwill% !y nice dresses, too% How I only need something for to bury me%1 4he necessity of caring for her husband during his final years had made Desdemona a bundle of acti)ity% 2nly a few months before, she+d been 'eeling and stewing the soft food he ate, changing his dia'ers, cleaning his bedding and 'aBamas, and harrying his body with moistened towels and P/ti's% =ut now, at se)enty, the strain of ha)ing no one to care for but herself aged her o)ernight% 7er salt/and/'e''er hair turned com'letely gray and her robust figure s'rang a slow leak, so that she seemed to be deflating day by day% &he grew 'aler% Oeins showed% 4iny red suns'ots burst on her chest% &he sto''ed checking her face in the mirror% =ecause of her 'oor dentures, Desdemona hadn+t really had li's for years% =ut now she sto''ed 'utting li'stick e)en in the 'lace where her li's used to be% ,!iltie,1 she asked my father one day, ,you bought for me the 'lace ne3t to papou D1 ,Don+t worry, !a% It+s a double 'lot%1 ,Hobody they are going take itD1 ,It+s got your name on it, !a%1 ,It no ha)e my name, !iltie> 4hat why I worry% It ha)e papou +s name one side% 2ther side is grass only% I want you go 'ut sign it says, this 'lace is for yia yia % &ome other lady maybe she die and try to get ne3t to my husband%1 =ut her funeral 're'arations didn+t end there% Hot only did Desdemona 'ick out her burial 'lot% &he also 'icked out her mortician% -eorgie a''as, &o'hie &assoon+s brother who worked at the 4% J% 4homas 9uneral 7ome, arri)ed at !iddlese3 in "'ril 8when a bout of 'neumonia was looking 'romising:% 7e carried his sam'le cases of caskets, crematory urns, and flower arrangements out to the guest house and sat by Desdemona+s bed while she looked the 'hotogra'hs o)er with the e3citement of someone browsing tra)el brochures% &he asked !ilton what he could afford% ,I don+t want to talk about it, !a% Jou+re not dying%1 ,I am no asking for the Im'erial% -eorgie says Im'erial is to' of line% =ut for yia yia residential is okay%1 ,Ahen the time comes, you can ha)e whate)er you want% =ut<, ,"nd satin inside% lease% "nd a 'illow% *ike here% age eight% Humber fi)e% ay attention> "nd tell -eorgie lea)e my glasses%1 "s far as Desdemona was concerned, death was only another kind of emigration% Instead of sailing from 4urkey to "merica, this time she would be tra)eling from earth to hea)en, where *efty had already gotten his citi(enshi' and had a 'lace waiting% -radually we became accustomed to Desdemona+s retreat from the family s'here% =y this time, the s'ring of 19#1, !ilton was busy with a new ,business )enture%1 "fter

1#0

the disaster on ingree &treet, !ilton )owed ne)er to make the same mistake again% 7ow do you esca'e the real estate rule of location, location, locationD &im'le: be e)erywhere at once% ,7ot dog stands,1 !ilton announced at dinner one night% ,&tart with three or four and add on as you go%1 Aith the remaining insurance money !ilton rented s'ace in three malls in the Detroit metro'olitan area% 2n a 'ad of yellow 'a'er, he came u' with the design for the stands% ,!cDonald+s has -olden "rchesD1 he said% ,Ae+)e got the illars of 7ercules%1 If you e)er dro)e along the blue highways anywhere from !ichigan to 9lorida, anytime from 19#1 to 19#5, you may ha)e seen the bright white neon 'illars that flanked my father+s chain of hot dog restaurants% 4he 'illars combined his -reek heritage with the colonial architecture of his belo)ed nati)e land% !ilton+s 'illars were the arthenon and the &u'reme 6ourt =uilding; they were the 7erakles of myth as well as the 7ercules of 7ollywood mo)ies% 4hey also got 'eo'le+s attention% !ilton started out with three 7ercules 7ot Dogs^ but @uickly added franchises as 'rofits allowed% 7e began in !ichigan but soon s'illed o)er into 2hio, and from there went on down the Interstate to the dee' &outh% 4he format was more like Dairy Pueen than !cDonald+s% &eating was minimal or none3istent 8at most a cou'le of 'icnic tables:% 4here were no 'lay areas, no swee'stakes or ,7a''y !eals,1 no gi)eaways or 'romotions% Ahat there was was hot dogs, 6oney Island style, as that term was used in Detroit, meaning they were ser)ed with chili sauce and onions% 7ercules 7ot Dogs were side/of/the/road 'laces, and usually not the nicest roads% =y bowling alleys, by train stations, in small towns on the way to bigger ones, anywhere where real estate was chea' and a lot of cars or 'eo'le 'assed through% I didn+t like the stands% 4o me they were a stee' come/down from the romantic days of the Gebra 0oom% Ahere were the knickknacks, the Bukebo3, the glowing shelf of 'ies, the dee' maroon boothsD Ahere were the regularsD I couldn+t understand how these hot dog stands could make so much more money than the diner e)er had% =ut make money they did% "fter the first, touch/and/go year, my father+s chain of hot dog restaurants began to make him a comfortably wealthy man% "side from securing good locations, there was another element to my father+s success% " gimmick or, in today+s 'arlance, a ,branding%1 =all ark franks 'lum'ed when you cooked them, but 7ercules 7ot Dogs did something better% 4hey came out of the 'ackage looking like normal, udder/'ink wieners, but as they got hot, an ama(ing transformation took 'lace% &i((ling on the grill, the hot dogs bulged in the middle, grew fatter, and, yes, fle>ed % 4his was 6ha'ter ?le)en+s contribution% 2ne night, my then se)enteen/year/old brother had gone down into the kitchen to make himself a late/night snack% 7e found some hot dogs in the refrigerator% Hot wanting to wait for water to boil, he got out a frying 'an% He3t he decided to cut the hot dogs in half% ,I wanted to increase the surface area,1 he e3'lained to me later% 0ather than slicing the hot dogs lengthwise, 6ha'ter ?le)en tried )arious combinations to amuse himself% 7e made notches here and slits there and then he 'ut all the hot dogs in a 'an and watched what ha''ened% Hot much, that first night% =ut a few of my brother+s incisions resulted in the hot dogs assuming funny sha'es% "fter that, it became a kind of game with him% 7e grew ade't at mani'ulating the sha'es of cooking hot dogs and, for fun, de)elo'ed an entire line of gag frankfurters% 4here was the hot dog that stood on end when heated, resembling the 4ower of isa% In honor of the moon landing, there was the "'ollo 11, whose skin gradually stretched until, bursting, the wiener a''eared to blast off into the

1#1

air% 6ha'ter ?le)en made hot dogs that danced to &ammy Da)is+s rendition of ,=oBangles1 and others that formed letters, . and " , though he ne)er accom'lished a decent 2 % 89or his friends he had hot dogs do other things% *aughter emanated from the kitchen late at night% Jou heard 6ha'ter ?le)en: ,I call this the 7arry 0eems,1 and then the other boys shouting: ,Ho way, &te'hanides>1 "nd while we+re on the subBect, was I the only one who was shocked by those old =all ark ads with their shots of red franks swelling and lengtheningD Ahere were the censorsD Did anyone notice the e3'ressions on mothers+ faces when those ads 'layed, or the way, right afterward, they often discussed what kind of ,buns1 they 'referredD I certainly noticed, because I was a girl at the time and those ads were designed to get my attention%: 2nce you ate a 7ercules hot dog you ne)er forgot it% Oery @uickly they had wide name recognition% " large food 'rocessing com'any offered to buy the rights and sell the hot dogs in stores, but !ilton, mistakenly thinking that 'o'ularity is eternal, reBected it% "side from in)enting the 7erculean frankfurters, my brother had little interest in the family business% ,I+m an in)entor,1 he said% ,Hot a hot dog man%1 In -rosse ointe he fell into a grou' of boys whose main bond was their un'o'ularity% " hot &aturday night for them consisted of sitting in my brother+s room, staring at ?scher 'rints% 9or hours they followed figures u' staircases that were also going down, or watched geese turn into fish and then into geese again% 4hey ate 'eanut butter crackers, getting gunk all o)er their teeth while @ui((ing each other on the 'eriodic table% &te)e !unger, 6ha'ter ?le)en+s best friend, used to infuriate my father with 'hiloso'hical arguments% 8,=ut how can you pro,e you e3ist, !r% &te'hanidesD1: Ahene)er we 'icked my brother u' at school I saw him through a stranger+s eyes% 6ha'ter ?le)en was geeky, nerdy% 7is body was a stalk su''orting the tuli' of his brain% "s he walked to the car, his head was often tilted back, alert to 'henomena in the trees% 7e didn+t 'ick u' on styles or trends% 4essie still bought his clothes for him% =ecause he was my older brother, I admired him; but because I was his sister, I felt su'erior% In doling out our res'ecti)e gifts -od had gi)en me all the im'ortant ones% !athematical a'titude: to 6ha'ter ?le)en% Oerbal a'titude: to me% 9i3/it handiness: to 6ha'ter ?le)en% Imagination: to me% !usical talent: to 6ha'ter ?le)en% *ooks: to me% 4he beauty I 'ossessed as a baby only increased as I grew into a girl% It was no sur'rise why 6lementine &tark had wanted to 'ractice kissing with me% ?)eryone wanted to% ?lderly waitresses bent close to take my order% 0ed/faced boys a''eared at my desk, stammering, ,J/y/you dro''ed your eraser%1 ?)en 4essie, angry about something, would look down at me<at my 6leo'atra eyes<and forget what she was mad about% Aasn+t there the slightest rumble in the air whene)er I brought in drinks to the &unday debatersD ;ncle ete, Jimmy 9ioretos, -us anos, men fifty, si3ty, se)enty years old looking u' o)er e3'ansi)e bellies and ha)ing thoughts they didn+t admitD =ack in =ithynios, where sustained res'iration rendered a bachelor eligible, men of e@ui)alent age had successfully asked for the hand of a girl like me% Aere they remembering those days, lounging on our lo)e seatsD Aere they thinking, ,If this wasn+t "merica, I Bust might K1D I can+t say% *ooking back now, I can only remember a time when the world seemed to ha)e a million eyes, silently o'ening where)er I went% !ost of the time they were camouflaged, like the closed eyes of green li(ards in green trees% =ut then they sna''ed o'en<on the bus, in the 'harmacy<and I felt the intensity of all that looking, the desire and the des'eration% 9or hours at a time I would admire my looks myself, turning this way and that

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before the mirror, or assuming a rela3ed 'ose to see what I looked like in real life% =y holding a hand mirror I could see my 'rofile, still harmonious at the time% I combed my long hair and sometimes stole my mother+s mascara to do my eyes% =ut increasingly my narcissistic 'leasure was tem'ered by the unlo)ely condition of the 'ool into which I ga(ed% ,7e+s 'o''ing his (its again>1 I com'lained to my mother% ,Don+t be so s@ueamish, 6allie% It+s Bust a little K here, I+ll wi'e it off%1 ,-ross>1 ,Aait+ll you get 'im'les>1 6ha'ter ?le)en shouted, ashamed and furious, from the hallway% ,I+m not going to%1 ,Jou will, too> ?)erybody+s sebaceous glands o)er'roduce when they go through 'uberty>1 ,Puiet, both of you,1 said 4essie, but she didn+t need to% I+d already gotten @uiet on my own% It was that word: pu$erty % 4he source of a great amount of an3ious s'eculation on my 'art at the time% " word that lay in wait for me, Bum'ing out now and then, scaring me because I didn+t know e3actly what it meant% =ut now at least I knew one thing: 6ha'ter ?le)en was in)ol)ed in it somehow% !aybe that e3'lained not only the 'im'les but the other thing about my brother I+d been noticing lately% Hot long after Desdemona took to her bed, I+d begun to notice, in the )ague cree'y way of a sister with a brother, a new, solitary 'astime of 6ha'ter ?le)en+s% It was a matter of a 'erce'tible acti)ity behind the locked bathroom door% 2f a certain strain to the re'ly, ,Just a minute,1 when I knocked% &till, I was younger than he was and ignorant of the 'ressing needs of adolescent boys% =ut let me backtrack a minute% 4hree years earlier, when 6ha'ter ?le)en was fourteen and I was eight, my brother had 'layed a trick on me% It ha''ened on a night when our 'arents had gone out to dinner% It was raining and thundering% I was watching tele)ision when 6ha'ter ?le)en suddenly a''eared% 7e was holding out a lemon cake% ,*ook what I ha)e>1 he sang% !agnanimously he cut me a slice% 7e watched me eat it% 4hen he said, ,I+m telling> 4hat cake was for &unday%1 ,Ho fair>1 I ran at him% I tried to hit him, but he caught my arms% Ae wrestled standing u', until finally 6ha'ter ?le)en offered a deal% "s I said: in those days, the world was always growing eyes% 7ere were two more% 4hey belonged to my brother, who, in the guest bathroom, amid the fancy hand towels, stood watching as I 'ulled down my under'ants and lifted my skirt% 8If I showed him, he wouldn+t tell%: 9ascinated as he was, he stayed at a distance% 7is "dam+s a''le rose and fell% 7e looked ama(ed and frightened% 7e didn+t ha)e much to com'are me to, but what he saw didn+t misinform him either: 'ink folds, a cleft% 9or ten seconds 6ha'ter ?le)en studied my documents, detecting no forgery, as the clouds burst o)erhead, and I made him get me one more 'iece of cake% "''arently, 6ha'ter ?le)en+s curiosity hadn+t been satisfied by looking at his eight/year/old sister% How, I sus'ected, he was looking at 'ictures of the real thing% In 19#1, all the men in our li)es were gone, *efty to death, !ilton to 7ercules 7ot Dogs, and 6ha'ter ?le)en to bathroom solitaire% *ea)ing 4essie and me to deal with Desdemona% Ae had to cut her toenails% Ae had to hunt down flies that found their way into

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her room% Ae had to mo)e her birdcages around according to the light% Ae had to turn on the tele)ision for the day+s soa' o'eras and we had to turn it off before the murders on the e)ening news% Desdemona didn+t want to lose her dignity, howe)er% Ahen nature called, she called us on the intercom, and we hel'ed her out of bed and into the bathroom% 4he sim'lest way to say it is: years 'assed% "s the seasons changed outside the windows, as the wee'ing willows shed their million lea)es, as snow fell on the flat roof and the angle of sunlight declined, Desdemona remained in bed% &he was still there when the snow melted and the willows budded again% &he was there when the sun, climbing higher, dro''ed a sunbeam straight though the skylight, like a ladder to hea)en she was more than eager to climb% Ahat ha''ened while Desdemona was in bed: "unt *ina+s friend !rs% Aatson died, and with the 'oor Budgment grief always brings, &ourmelina decided to sell their adobe house and mo)e back north to be close to her family% &he arri)ed in Detroit in 9ebruary of 19#C% 4he winter weather felt colder than she e)er remembered% Aorse, her time in the &outhwest had changed her% &omehow in the course of her life &ourmelina had become an "merican% "lmost nothing of the )illage remained in her% 7er self/entombed cousin, on the other hand, had ne)er left it% 4hey were both in their se)enties, but Desdemona was an old, gray/haired widow waiting to die while *ina, another kind of widow entirely, was a bottle redhead who dro)e a 9irebird and wore belted denim skirts with tur@uoise belt buckles% "fter her life in the se3ual counterculture, *ina found my 'arents+ heterose3uality as @uaint as a sam'ler% 6ha'ter ?le)en+s acne alarmed her% &he disliked sharing a shower with him% " strained atmos'here e3isted in our house while &ourmelina stayed with us% &he was as garish and out of 'lace in our li)ing room as a retired Oegas showgirl, and because we watched her so closely out of the corners of our eyes, e)erything she did made too much noise, her cigarette smoke got into e)erything, she drank too much wine at dinner% Ae got to know our new neighbors% 4here were the icketts, Helson, who+d 'layed tackle for -eorgia 4ech and now worked for arke/Da)is, the 'harmaceutical com'any, and his wife, =onnie, who was always reading the miraculous tales in Guideposts % "cross the street was &tew ,=right ?yes1 9iddler, an industrial 'arts salesman with a taste for bourbon and barmaids, and his wife, !i((i, whose hair changed color like a mood ring% "t the end of the block were &am and 7ettie -rossinger, the first 2rthodo3 Jews we+d e)er met, and their only child, !a3ine, a shy )iolin 'rodigy% &am, howe)er, was funny, and 7ettie was loud, and they talked about money without thinking it was im'olite, and so we felt comfortable around them% !ilt and 4essie often had the -rossingers o)er to dinner, though their dietary restrictions continually baffled us% !y mother would dri)e all the way across town to buy kosher meat, for instance, only to ser)e it with a cream sauce% 2r she would ski' the meat and cream altogether and ser)e crab cakes% 4hough faithful to their religion, the -rossingers were midwestern Jews, low/key and assimilationist% 4hey hid behind their wall of cy'resses and at 6hristmas 'ut u' a &anta 6laus along with lights% In 19#1: Judge &te'hen J% 0oth of the ;%&% District 6ourt ruled that de :ure segregation e3isted in the Detroit school system% 7e immediately ordered the schools to be desegregated% 4here was only one 'roblem% =y 19#1 the Detroit student 'o'ulation was 50 'ercent black% ,4hat busing Budge can bus all he wants,1 !ilton crowed, reading about the decision in the 'a'er% ,Doesn+t make any difference now% Jou see,

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4essieD Jou understand why your dear old husband wanted to get the kids out of that school systemD =ecause if I didn+t, that goddamn 0oth would be busing them to school in downtown Hairobi, that+s why%1 In 19#C: 9i)e/foot fi)e/inch &% !iyamoto, reBected by the Detroit 'olice force for failing to meet the fi)e/foot se)en/inch re@uirement 8he had tried ele)ator heels, etc%:, a''eared on !he !onight "how to 'lead his case% I wrote a letter to the 'olice commissioner myself in su''ort of !iyamoto, but I ne)er recei)ed a re'ly, and !iyamoto was reBected% " few months later, olice 6ommissioner Hichols was thrown from his horse during a 'arade% ,4hat+s what you get>1 I said% In 19#C: 7% D% Jackson and *% D% !oore, who had brought a 'olice brutality case for four million dollars, hiBacked a &outhern "irways Bet to 6uba, outraged at being awarded damages in the amount of twenty/fi)e dollars% In 19#C: !ayor 0oman -ribbs claimed that Detroit had turned around% 4he city had o)ercome the trauma of the +6# riots% 4herefore, he wasn+t 'lanning on running for another term% " new candidate a''eared, the man who would become the city+s first "frican "merican mayor, 6oleman "% Joung% "nd I turned twel)e% " few months earlier, on the first day of si3th grade, 6arol 7orning came into class wearing a slight but unmistakably self/satisfied smile% =elow this smile, as if dis'layed on a tro'hy shelf, were the new breasts she had gotten o)er the summer% &he wasn+t the only one% During the growing months, @uite a few of my schoolmates had<as adults liked to say<,de)elo'ed%1 I wasn+t entirely un're'ared for this% I+d s'ent a month the 're)ious summer at 6am' onshewaing, near ort 7uron% During the slow march of summer days I was aware, as one is aware of a drum steadily beating across a lake, of something uns'ooling itself in the bodies of my cam'mates% -irls were growing modest% 4hey turned their backs to dress% &ome had surnames stitched onto not only shorts and socks but training bras, too% !ostly, it was a 'ersonal matter that no one s'oke about% =ut now and then there were dramatic manifestations% 2ne afternoon during swimming hour, the tin door of the changing room clanged o'en and shut% 4he sound caromed off the trunks of 'ine trees, carrying 'ast the meager beach out o)er the water, where I floated on an inner tube, reading .o,e "tory % 8&wimming hour was the only time I could get any reading done, and though the cam' counselors tried to moti)ate me to 'ractice my freestyle, I 'erse)ered e)ery day in reading the new bestseller I+d found on my mother+s night table%: How I looked u'% "long a dusty brown 'ath in the 'ine needles, Jenny &imonson was ad)ancing in a red, white, and blue swimsuit% "ll nature grew hushed at the sight% =irds fell silent% *ake swans unfurled tremendous necks to get a glim'se% ?)en a chainsaw in the distance cut its engine% I beheld the magnificence of Jenny &% 4he golden, late afternoon light intensified around her% 7er 'atriotic swimsuit swelled in ways no one else+s did% !uscles fle3ed in her long thighs% &he ran to the end of the dock and 'lunged into the lake, where a throng of naiads 8her friends from 6edar 0a'ids: swam o)er to meet her% *owering my book, I looked down at my own body% 4here it was, as usual: the flat chest, the nothing hi's, the forked, mos@uito/bitten legs% *ake water and sun were making my skin 'eel% !y fingers had gotten all wrinkly% 4hanks to Dr% hil+s decre'itude and 4essie+s 'rudishness, I arri)ed at 'uberty not knowing much about what to e3'ect% Dr% hilobosian still had an office near Aomen+s 7os'ital, though the hos'ital itself had been closed down by then% 7is 'ractice had

1#.

changed considerably% 4here were a few remaining elderly 'atients who, ha)ing sur)i)ed so long under his care, were afraid to change doctors% 4he rest were welfare families% Hurse 0osalee ran the office% &he and Dr% hil had been married a year after they met deli)ering me% How she did the scheduling and administered shots% 7er "''alachian childhood had ac@uainted her with go)ernment assistance, and she was a whi( with the !edicaid forms% In his eighties, Dr% hil had taken u' 'ainting% 7is office walls were co)ered salon/style with thick, swirling oils% 7e didn+t use a brush much, mainly a 'alette knife% "nd what did he 'aintD &myrnaD 4he @uay at dawnD 4he terrible fireD Ho% *ike many amateurs, Dr% hil assumed that the only 'ro'er subBect for art was a 'ictures@ue landsca'e that had nothing to do with his e3'erience% 7e 'ainted sea )istas he+d ne)er seen and forest hamlets he+d ne)er )isited, com'lete with a 'i'e/smoking figure resting on a log% Dr% hilobosian ne)er talked about &myrna and left the room if anyone did% 7e ne)er mentioned his first wife, or his murdered sons and daughters% !aybe this was the reason for his sur)i)al% He)ertheless, Dr% hil was becoming a fossil% 9or my annual 'hysical in 19#C he used diagnostic methods 'o'ular back in medical school in 1910% 4here was a trick where he 'retended to sla' me in the face to check my refle3es% 4here was an auscultation accom'lished with a wineglass% Ahen he bent his head to listen to my heart I was treated to an aerial )iew of the -alR'agos of scabs on his bald 'ate% 84he archi'elago changed 'osition from year to year, continentally drifting across the globe of his skull but ne)er healing%: Dr% hilobosian smelled like an old couch, of hair oil and s'illed sou', of unscheduled na's% 7is medical di'loma looked as if it were written on 'archment% I wouldn+t ha)e been sur'rised if, to cure fe)er, Dr% hil had written out a 'rescri'tion for leeches% 7e was correct with me, ne)er friendly, and directed most of his con)ersation to 4essie, who sat in a chair in the corner% Ahat memories, I wonder, was Dr% hil a)oiding in not looking at meD Did the ghosts of *e)antine girls haunt those cursory checku's, suggested by the fragility of my collarbone, or the birdcall of my small, congested lungsD Aas he trying not to think of water 'alaces and loosened robes, or was he Bust tired, old, half/blind, and too 'roud to admit itD Ahate)er the answer, year after year, 4essie faithfully took me to him, in re'ayment for an act of charity during a catastro'he he would no longer acknowledge% In his waiting room I encountered the same tattered Highlights maga(ine e)ery )isit% ,6an you find theseD1 the 'u((le asked inside% "nd there in the s'reading chestnut tree were the knife, the dog, the fish, the old woman, the candlestick<all circled by my own hand, shaky with earache, years and years before% !y mother a)oided bodily matters, too% &he ne)er s'oke o'enly about se3% &he ne)er undressed in front of me% &he disliked dirty Bokes or nudity in mo)ies% 9or his own 'art, !ilton was unable to discuss the birds and the bees with his young daughter, and so I was left, in those years, to figure things out for myself% 9rom hints "unt Go let sli' in the kitchen I was aware that something ha''ened to women e)ery so often, something they didn+t like, something men didn+t ha)e to 'ut u' with 8like e)erything else:% Ahate)er it was, it seemed safely far off, like getting married or gi)ing birth% "nd then one day at 6am' onshewaing, 0ebecca ;rbanus climbed u' on a chair% 0ebecca was from &outh 6arolina% &he had sla)e/owning ancestors and a trained )oice% During dances with the boys from the neighboring cam', she wa)ed a hand in front of her face as though holding a fan% Ahy was she u' on a chairD Ae were ha)ing a talent show% 0ebecca ;rbanus was maybe singing or reciting

1#6

the 'oetry of Aalter de la !are% 4he sun was still high and her shorts were white% "nd then suddenly, as she sang 8or recited:, the back of her white shorts darkened% "t first it a''eared to be only a shadow of the surrounding trees% &ome kid+s wa)ing hand% =ut no: while our band of twel)e/year/olds sat watching, each of us in cam' 4/shirt and Indian headband, we saw what 0ebecca ;rbanus didn+t% Ahile her u''er half 'erformed, her bottom half u'staged her% 4he stain grew, and it was red% 6am' counselors were unsure how to react% 0ebecca sang, arms outflung% &he re)ol)ed on her chair before her theater/in/the/round: us, staring, 'er'le3ed and horrified% 6ertain ,ad)anced1 girls understood% 2thers, like me, thought: knife wound, bear attack% 0ight then 0ebecca ;rbanus saw us looking% &he looked down herself% "nd screamed% "nd fled the stage% I returned from cam' browner and leaner, 'inned with a single badge 8ironically, for orienteering:% =ut that other badge, which 6arol 7orning dis'layed so 'roudly the first day of school, I was still without% I felt ambi)alent about this% 2n the one hand, if 0ebecca ;rbanus+s misha' was any indication, it might be safer to stay the way I was% Ahat if something similar ha''ened to meD I went through my closet and threw out anything white% I sto''ed singing altogether% Jou couldn+t control it% Jou ne)er knew% It could ha''en anytime% ?3ce't, with me, it didn+t% -radually, as most of the other girls in my grade began to undergo their own transformations, I began to worry less about 'ossible accidents and more about being left behind, left out% I am in math class, sometime during the winter of si3th grade% !iss -rotowski, our youngish teacher, is writing an e@uation on the blackboard% =ehind her, at wooden/to''ed desks, students follow her calculations, or do(e, or kick each other from behind% " gray winter !ichigan day% 4he grass outside resembles 'ewter% 2)erhead, fluorescent lights attem't to dis'el the season+s dimness% " 'icture of the great mathematician 0amanuBan 8whom we girls at first took to be !iss -rotowski+s foreign boyfriend: hangs on the wall% 4he air is stuffy in the way only air at school can be stuffy% "nd behind our teacher+s back, in our desks, we are flying through time% 4hirty kids, in si3 neat rows, being borne along at a s'eed we can+t 'ercei)e% "s !iss -rotowski sketches e@uations on the board, my classmates all around me begin to change% Jane =lunt+s thighs, for instance, seem to get a little bit longer e)ery week% 7er sweater swells in front% 4hen one day =e)erly !aas, who sits right ne3t to me, raises her hand and I see darkness u' her slee)e: a 'atch of light brown hair% Ahen did it a''earD JesterdayD 4he day beforeD 4he e@uations get longer and longer throughout the year, more com'licated, and maybe it+s all the numbers, or the multi'lication tables; we are learning to @uantify large sums as, by new math, bodies arri)e at une3'ected answers% eter Puail+s )oice is two octa)es lower than last month and he doesn+t notice% Ahy notD 7e+s flying too fast% =oys are getting 'each fu(( on u''er li's% 9oreheads and noses are breaking out% !ost s'ectacularly of all, girls are becoming women% Hot mentally or emotionally e)en, but 'hysically% Hature is making its 're'arations% Deadlines encoded in the s'ecies are met% 2nly 6allio'e, in the second row, is motionless, her desk stalled somehow, so that she+s the only one who takes in the true e3tent of the metamor'hoses around her% Ahile sol)ing 'roofs she is aware of 4ricia *amb+s 'urse on the floor ne3t to her desk, of the tam'on she glim'sed inside it that morning<which you use how, e3actlyD<and whom can she askD &till 'retty, 6allio'e soon finds herself the shortest girl in the room% &he

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dro's her eraser% Ho boy brings it back% In the 6hristmas 'ageant she is cast not as !ary as in 'ast years but as an elf K =ut there+s still ho'e, isn+t thereD K because the desks are flying, day after day; arranged in their s@uadron, the students bank and roar through time, so that 6allie looks u' from her ink/stained 'a'er one afternoon and sees it is s'ring, flowers budding, forsythia in bloom, elms greening; at recess girls and boys hold hands, kissing sometimes behind trees, and 6allio'e feels gy''ed, cheated% ,0emember meD1 she says, to nature% ,I+m waiting% I+m still here%1 "s was Desdemona% =y "'ril of 19#C, her a''lication to Boin her husband in hea)en was still working its way though a )ast, celestial bureaucracy% 4hough Desdemona was 'erfectly healthy when she got into bed, the weeks, months, and finally years of inacti)ity, cou'led with her own remarkable will'ower to do away with herself, brought her the reward of a Physician+s Hand$ook of ailments% During her bedridden years Desdemona had fluid in her lungs; lumbago; bursitis; a s'ell of eclam'sia that manifested itself a half/century later than etiologically normal and then Bust as mysteriously )anished, to Desdemona+s regret; a se)ere case of shingles that made her ribs and back the color and te3ture of ri'e strawberries and stung like a cattle 'rod; nineteen colds; a week of 'urely figurati)e ,walking1 'neumonia; ulcers; 'sychosomatic cataracts which clouded her )ision on the anni)ersaries of her husband+s death and which she basically Bust cried away; and Du'uytren+s contracture, where inflamed fascia in her hand curled her thumb and three fingers 'ainfully into her 'alm, lea)ing her middle finger raised in an obscene gesture% 2ne doctor enrolled Desdemona in a longe)ity study% 7e was writing an article for a medical Bournal on ,4he !editerranean Diet%1 4o that end he 'lied Desdemona with @uestions about the cuisine of her homeland% 7ow much yogurt had she consumed as a childD 7ow much oli)e oilD -arlicD &he answered e)ery one of his @ueries because she thought his interest indicated that there was something, at last, organically the matter with her, and because she ne)er missed a chance to stroll through the 'recincts of her childhood% 4he doctor+s name was !Mller% -erman by blood, he renounced his race when it came to its cooking% Aith 'ostwar guilt, he decried bratwurst, sauerbraten, and QNnigsberger Qlo'se as dishes )erging on 'oison% 4hey were the 7itler of foods% Instead he looked to our own -reek diet<our egg'lant aswim in tomato sauce, our cucumber dressings and fish/egg s'reads, our pilafi , raisins, and figs<as 'otential curati)es, as life/gi)ing, artery/cleansing, skin/smoothing wonder drugs% "nd what Dr% !Mller said a''eared to be true: though he was only forty/two, his face was wrinkled, burdened with Bowls% -ray hair 'rickled u' on the sides of his head; whereas my father, at forty/eight, des'ite the coffee stains beneath his eyes, was still the 'ossessor of an unlined oli)e com'le3ion and a rich, glossy, black head of hair% 4hey didn+t call it -recian 9ormula for nothing% It was in our food> " )eritable fountain of youth in our dolmades and taramasalata and e)en in our bakla)a, which didn+t commit the sin of containing refined sugar but had only honey% Dr% !Mller showed us gra'hs he+d made, listing the names and birth dates of Italians, -reeks, and a =ulgarian li)ing in the Detroit metro'olitan area, and we saw our own entrant<Desdemona &te'hanides, age ninety/one<going strong in the midst of the rest% lotted against oles killed off by kielbasa, or =elgians done in by 'ommes frites, or "nglo/&a3ons disa''eared by 'uddings, or &'aniards sto''ed cold by chori(o, our -reek dotted line ke't going where theirs tailed off in a tangle of downward traBectories% Aho knewD "s a 'eo'le we hadn+t had, for the 'ast few millennia, that much to be 'roud of% &o it was 'erha's understandable that during Dr% !Mller+s house calls we failed to mention the troubling

1#5

anomaly of *efty+s multi'le strokes% Ae didn+t want to skew the gra'h with new data, and so didn+t mention that Desdemona was actually se)enty/one, not ninety/one, and that she always confused se)ens with nines% Ae didn+t mention her aunts, 4halia and Oictoria, who both died of breast cancer as young women; and we said nothing about the high blood 'ressure that ta3ed the )eins within !ilton+s own smooth, youthful e3terior% Ae couldn+t% Ae didn+t want to lose out to the Italians or e)en that one =ulgarian% "nd Dr% !Mller, lost in his research, didn+t notice the store dis'lay of mortuary ser)ices ne3t to Desdemona+s bed, the 'hotogra'h of the dead husband ne3t to the 'hotogra'h of his gra)e, the abundant 'ara'hernalia of a widow abandoned on earth% Hot a member of a band of immortals from !ount 2lym'us% Just the only member left ali)e% !eanwhile, tensions between my mother and me were rising% ,Don+t laugh >1 ,I+m sorry, honey% =ut it+s Bust, you+)e got nothing to K to K1 ,!om>1 ,K to hold it u'%1 " tantrum/edged scream% 4wel)e/year/old feet running u' the stairs, while 4essie called out, ,Don+t be so dramatic, 6allie% Ae+ll get you a bra if you want%1 ;' into my bedroom, where, after locking the door, I 'ulled off my shirt before the mirror to see K that my mother was right% Hothing> Hothing at all to hold u' anything% "nd I burst into tears of frustration and rage% 4hat e)ening, when I finally came back down to dinner, I retaliated in the only way I could% ,Ahat+s the matterD Jou+re not hungryD1 ,I want normal food%1 ,Ahat do you mean normal foodD1 ,"merican food%1 ,I ha)e to make what yia yia likes%1 ,Ahat about what ) likeD1 ,Jou like s'aniko'ita% Jou+)e always liked s'aniko'ita%1 ,Aell, I don+t anymore%1 ,2kay, then% Don+t eat% &tar)e if you want% If you don+t like what we gi)e you, you can Bust sit at the table until we+re finished%1 9aced with the mirror+s e)idence, laughed at by my own mother, surrounded by de)elo'ing classmates, I had come to a dire conclusion% I had begun to belie)e that the !editerranean Diet that ke't my grandmother ali)e against her will was also sinisterly retarding my maturity% It only ser)ed to reason that the oli)e oil 4essie dri((led o)er e)erything had some mysterious 'ower to sto' the body+s clock, while the mind, im'er)ious to cooking oils, ke't going% 4hat was why Desdemona had the des'air and fatigue of a 'erson of ninety along with the arteries of a fifty/year/old% !ight it be, I wondered, that the omega/E fatty acids and the three/)egetables/'er/meal I consumed were res'onsible for retarding my se3ual maturityD Aas yogurt for breakfast stalling my breast de)elo'mentD It was 'ossible% ,Ahat+s the matter, 6alD1 asked !ilton, eating while reading the e)ening news'a'er% ,Don+t you want to li)e to be a hundredD1 ,Hot if I ha)e to eat this stuff the whole time%1 =ut now 4essie was the one tearing u'% 4essie who for almost two years now had taken care of an old lady who wouldn+t get out of bed% 4essie who had a husband more

1#9

in lo)e with hot dogs than her% 4essie who secretly monitored her children+s bowel mo)ements and so of course knew e3actly how greasy "merican foods could disru't their digestion% ,Jou don+t do the sho''ing,1 she said, tearfully% ,Jou don+t see what I see% Ahen+s the last time you+)e been to the drugstore, *ittle !iss Hormal 9oodD Jou know what the shel)es are full ofD *a3ati)es> ?)ery time I go to the drugstore the 'erson in front of me is buying ?3/*a3% "nd not Bust one bo3% 4hey buy it by the bushel%1 ,4hat+s Bust old 'eo'le%1 ,It+s not Bust old 'eo'le% I see young mothers buying it% I see teenagers buying it% Jou want to know the truthD 4his entire country can+t do number two>1 ,2h, now I really want to eat%1 ,Is this about the bra, 6allieD =ecause if it is, I told you<, ,!o/om>1 =ut it was too late% ,Ahat braD1 6ha'ter ?le)en asked% "nd now, smiling: ,Does the -reat &alt *ake think she needs a braD1 ,&hut u'%1 ,7ere% !y glasses must be dirty% *et me clean them% "h, that+s better% How let+s ha)e a look<, ,&hut up >1 ,Ho, I wouldn+t say the -reat &alt *ake has undergone any kind of geological<, ,Aell, your face has, (ithead>1 ,&till as flat as e)er% erfect for time trials%1 =ut then !ilton shouted, ,-oddamn it>1<drowning us both out% Ae thought he was tired of our bickering% ,4hat goddamn Budge>1 7e wasn+t looking at us% 7e was staring at the front 'age of !he 1etroit 8ews % 7e was turning red and then<that high blood 'ressure we hadn+t mentioned<almost 'ur'le% 4hat morning, at ;%&% District 6ourt, Judge 0oth had de)ised a cle)er way to desegregate the schools% If there weren+t enough white students left in Detroit to go around, he would get them from somewhere else% Judge 0oth had claimed Burisdiction o)er the entire ,metro'olitan area%1 Jurisdiction o)er the city of Detroit and the surrounding fifty/three suburbs% Including -rosse ointe% ,Just when we get you kids out of that hellhole,1 !ilton was shouting, ,that goddamn 0oth wants to send you back>1

The .olverette
If you+)e Bust tuned in, we ha)e one humdinger of a field hockey game on our hands> 9inal seconds of the last game of the season between those two archri)als, the =6D& 7ornets and the =WI Aol)erettes% &core tied $ to $% 9ace off at midfield and K the 7ornets ha)e it> 6hamberlain stick/handling, 'asses to 2+0ourke on the wing% 2+0ourke faking left, going right K she+s by one Aol)erette, by another K and now she 'asses crossfield to "migliato> 7ere comes =ecky "migliato down the sideline> 4en seconds left, nine seconds> In goal for the Aol)erettes it+s &te'hanides and<oh my, my, she doesn+t see "migliato coming> Ahat in the de)ilD K &he+s looking at a leaf, folks> 6allie &te'hanides is admiring a gorgeous, fire/red autumn leaf, but what a time

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to do it> 7ere comes "migliato% 9i)e seconds> 9our seconds> 4his is it, folks, the cham'ionshi' of the !iddle &chool Junior Oarsity season is on the line<but hold on K &te'hanides hears footste's% How she looks u' K and "migliato takes a sla' shot> 2oowhee, it+s a bullet> Jou can feel that one all the way u' here in the booth% 4he ball+s heading straight for &te'hanides+ head> &he dro's the leaf> &he+s watching it K watching it K gosh, you hate to see this, folks K1 Is it true that right before death 8by field hockey ball or otherwise: your life flashes before your eyesD !aybe not your whole life, but 'arts of it% "s =ecky "migliato+s sla' shot made for my face that fall day, the e)ents of the last half year flickered in my 'ossibly/soon/to/be/e3tinguished consciousness% 9irst of all, our 6adillac<by then the golden 9leetwood<wending its way the 're)ious summer u' the long dri)eway of the =aker W Inglis &chool for -irls% In the backseat, one )ery unha''y twel)e/year/old, me, arri)ing under duress for an inter)iew% ,I don+t want to go to a girls+ school,1 I+m com'laining% ,I+d rather be bused%1 "nd ne3t another car 'icking me u', the following &e'tember, for my first day of se)enth grade% re)iously, I+d always walked to 4rombley ?lementary; but 're' school has brought with it a host of changes: my new school uniform, for instance, crested and tartaned% "lso: this car'ool itself, a light green station wagon dri)en by a lady named !rs% Dre3el% 7er hair is greasy, thinning% "bo)e her u''er li', in an e3am'le of the foreshadowing I will learn to identify in the coming year+s ?nglish class, is a mustache% "nd now the station wagon is dri)ing along a few weeks later% I+m looking out the window while !rs% Dre3el+s cigarette uncoils a ro'e of smoke% Ae head into the heart of -rosse ointe% Ae 'ass long, gated dri)eways, the kind that always fill my family with wonder and awe% =ut now !rs% Dre3el is turning u' these dri)es% 8It is my new classmates who li)e at the end of them%: Ae rumble 'ast 'ri)et hedges and under to'iary arches to arri)e at secluded lakefront homes where girls wait with satchels, standing )ery straight% 4hey wear the same uniform I do, but somehow it looks different on them, neater, more stylish% 2ccasionally there is also a well/coifed mother in the 'icture, cli''ing a rose from the garden% "nd ne3t it is two months later, near the end of the fall term, and the station wagon is climbing the hill to my no/longer/brand/new school% 4he car is full of girls% !rs% Dre3el is lighting another cigarette% &he+s 'ulling u' to the curb and getting ready to lay a curse on us% &haking her head at the )iew<of the hilly, green cam'us, the lake in the distance<she says, ,Jouse girls better enBoy it now% =est time of life is when you+re young%1 8"t twel)e, I hated her for saying that% I couldn+t imagine a worse thing to tell a kid% =ut maybe also, due to certain other changes that began that year, I sus'ected that the ha''y 'eriod of my childhood was coming to an end%: Ahat else came back to me, as the hockey ball (eroed inD Just about e)erything a field hockey ball could symboli(e% 9ield hockey, that Hew ?ngland game, handed down from old ?ngland, Bust like e)erything else in our school% 4he building with its long echoing hallways and churchy smell, its leaded windows, its -othic gloom% 4he *atin 'rimers the color of gruel% 4he afternoon teas% 4he curtsying of our tennis team% 4he tweediness of our faculty, and the curriculum itself, which began, 7ellenically, =yronically, with 7omer, and then ski''ed straight to 6haucer, mo)ing on to &hakes'eare, Donne, &wift, Aordsworth, Dickens, 4ennyson, and ?% !% 9orster% 2nly connect% !iss =aker and !iss Inglis had founded the school back in 1911, in the words of

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the charter, ,to educate girls in the humanities and sciences and to culti)ate in them a lo)e of learning, a modest com'ortment, an amiable grace, and an interest in ci)ic duty abo)e all%1 4he two women had li)ed together on the far side of the cam'us in ,4he 6ottage,1 a shingled bower that occu'ied a 'lace in school mythology akin to *incoln+s log cabin in national legend% 9ifth graders were gi)en a tour e)ery s'ring% 4hey filed by the two single bedrooms 8which fooled them maybe:, the founders+ writing desks still laid with fountain 'ens and licorice dro's, and the gramo'hone on which they+d listened to &ousa marches% !iss =aker+s and !iss Inglis+s ghosts haunted the school, along with actual busts and 'ortraits% " statue in the courtyard showed the bes'ectacled educators in a fanciful, s'ringtime mood, !iss =aker gesturing, o'e/like, to bless the air, while !iss Inglis 8fore)er the bottom: turned to see what her colleague was bringing to her attention% !iss Inglis+s flo''y hat obscured her 'lain features% In the work+s only a)ant/garde touch, a thick wire e3tended from !iss =aker+s head, at the to' of which ho)ered the obBect of wonder: a hummingbird% K"ll this was suggested by the s'inning hockey ball% =ut there was something else, something more 'ersonal, that e3'lained why I was its target% Ahat was 6allio'e doing 'laying goalieD Ahy was she encumbered by mask and 'adsD Ahy was 6oach &tork hollering at her to make the sa)eD 4o answer sim'ly: I wasn+t )ery good at s'orts% &oftball, basketball, tennis: I was ho'eless in e)ery one% 9ield hockey was e)en worse% I couldn+t get used to the funny little sticks or the nebulous, ?uro'ean strategies% &hort on 'layers, 6oach &tork 'ut me in goal and ho'ed for the best% It rarely ha''ened% Aith a lack of team s'irit, some Aol)erettes maintained that I 'ossessed no coordination whatsoe)er% Did this charge ha)e meritD Is there any connection between my 'resent desk Bob and a lack of 'hysical graceD I+m not going to answer that% =ut in my defense I will say that none of my more athletic teammates e)er inhabited such a 'roblematic body% 4hey didn+t ha)e, as I did, two testicles s@uatting illegally in their inguinal canals% ;nknown to me, those anarchists had taken u' residence in my abdomen, and were e)en hooked u' to the utilities% If I crossed my leg the wrong way or mo)ed too @uickly, a s'asm shot across my groin% 2n the hockey field I often doubled o)er, my eyes tearing u', while 6oach &tork swatted me on the rum'% ,It+s Bust a cramp , &te'hanides% 0un it off%1 8"nd now, as I mo)ed to block the sla' shot, Bust such a 'ain hit me% !y insides twisted, eru'ting with a la)a flow of 'ain% I bent forward, tri''ing on my goalie stick% "nd then I was tumbling, falling K: =ut there+s still time to record a few other 'hysical changes% "t the beginning of se)enth grade I got braces, a full set% 0ubber bands now hooked my u''er and lower 'alates together% !y Baw felt s'ringy, like a )entrilo@uist dummy+s% ?)ery night before going to slee' I dutifully fit my medie)al headgear on% =ut in the darkness, while my teeth were slowly coerced into straightness, the rest of my face had begun to gi)e in to a stronger, genetic 'redis'osition toward crookedness% 4o 'ara'hrase Hiet(sche, there are two ty'es of -reek: the "'ollonian and the Dionysian% I+d been born "'ollonian, a sun/kissed girl with a face ringed with curls% =ut as I a''roached thirteen a Dionysian element stole o)er my features% !y nose, at first delicately, then not so delicately, began to arch% !y eyebrows, growing shaggier, arched, too% &omething sinister, wily, literally ,satyrical1 entered my e3'ression% "nd so the last thing the hockey ball 8coming closer now, unwilling to endure any more e3'osition:<the last thing the hockey ball symboli(ed was 4ime itself, the unsto''ability of it, the way we+re chained to our bodies, which are chained to 4ime%

15C

4he hockey ball rocketed forward% It hit the side of my mask, which deflected it into the center of the net% Ae lost% 4he 7ornets celebrated% In disgrace, as usual, I returned to the gymnasium% 6arrying my mask, I climbed out of the green bowl of the hockey field, which was like an outdoor theater% 4aking small ste's, I walked along the gra)el 'ath back to the school% In the distance, down the hill and across the road, lay *ake &t% 6lair, where my grandfather Jimmy Gi(mo had faked his death% 4he lake still fro(e in winter, but bootleggers didn+t dri)e o)er it anymore% *ake &t% 6lair had lost its sinister glamour and, like e)erything else, had become suburban% 9reighters still 'lied the shi''ing channel, but now you mostly saw 'leasure boats, 6hris/6rafts, &antanas, 9lying Dutchmen, $#0s% 2n sunny days the lake still managed to look blue% !ost of the time, howe)er, it was the color of cold 'ea sou'% =ut I wasn+t thinking about any of that% I was measuring my ste's, trying to go as slowly as 'ossible% I was looking at the gymnasium doors with an e3'ression of wariness and an3iety% It was now, when the game was o)er for e)eryone else, that it began for me% Ahile my teammates were catching their breath, I was 'syching myself u'% I had to act with grace, with swift, athletic timing% I had to shout from the sidelines of my being, ,7eads u', &te'hanides>1 I had to be coach, star 'layer, and cheerleader all in one% 9or des'ite the Dionysian re)elry that had broken out in my body 8in my throbbing teeth, in the wild abandon of my nose:, not e)erything about me had changed% " year and a half after 6arol 7orning came to school with brand/new breasts, I was still without any% 4he brassiere I+d finally wheedled out of 4essie was still, like the higher 'hysics, of only theoretical use% Ho breasts% Ho 'eriod, either% "ll through si3th grade I+d waited and then through the summer afterward% How I was in se)enth grade and still I was waiting% 4here were ho'eful signs% 9rom time to time my ni''les became sore% -ingerly touching them, I felt a 'ebble beneath the 'ink, tender flesh% I always thought that this was the start of something% I thought I was budding% =ut time after time the swelling and soreness went away, and nothing came of it% 2f all the things I had to get used to at my new school, the most difficult, therefore, was the locker room% ?)en now with the season o)er, 6oach &tork was standing by the door, barking% ,2kay, ladies, hit the showers> 6ome on% 7ustle u'>1 &he saw me coming and managed to smile% ,-ood effort,1 she said, handing me a towel% 7ierarchies e3ist e)erywhere, but es'ecially in locker rooms% 4he swam'iness, the nudity bring back original conditions% *et me 'erform a @uick ta3onomy of our locker room% Hearest the showers were the 6harm =racelets% "s I 'assed by, I glanced down the steamy corridor to see them 'erforming their serious, womanly mo)ements% 2ne 6harm =racelet was bending forward, wra''ing a towel around her wet hair% &he sna''ed u'right, twisting it into a turban% He3t to her another =racelet was staring into s'ace with em'ty blue eyes as she anointed herself with moisturi(er% &till another =racelet lifted a water bottle to her li's, e3'osing the long column of her neck% Hot wanting to stare, I looked away, but I could still hear the sound they made getting dressed% "bo)e the hiss of shower heads and the sla' of feet on tiles, a high, thin tinkling reached my ears, a sound almost like the ta''ing of cham'agne flutes before a toast% Ahat was itD 6an+t you guessD 9rom the slender wrists of these girls, tiny sil)er charms were chiming together% It was the ringing of tiny tennis rackets against tiny snow skis, of miniature ?iffel 4owers against half/inch ballerinas on 'oint% It was the sound of 4iffany frogs and whales chiming together; of 'u''ies tinkling against cats, of

15E

seals with balls on their noses hitting monkeys with hand organs, of wedges of cheese ringing against clowns+ faces, of strawberries singing with inkwells, of )alentine hearts striking the bells around the necks of &wiss cows% In the midst of all this soft chiming, one girl held out her wrist to her friends, like a lady recommending a 'erfume% 7er father had Bust returned from a business tri', bringing her back this latest 'resent% 4he 6harm =racelets: they were the rulers of my new school% 4hey+d been going to =aker W Inglis since kindergarten% &ince 're/kindergarten> 4hey li)ed near the water and had grown u', like all -rosse ointers, 'retending that our shallow lake was no lake at all but actually the ocean% 4he "tlantic 2cean% Jes, that was the secret wish of the 6harm =racelets and their 'arents, to be not !idwesterners but ?asterners, to affect their dress and lockBaw s'eech, to summer in !artha+s Oineyard, to say ,back ?ast1 instead of ,out ?ast,1 as though their time in !ichigan re'resented only a brief soBourn away from home% Ahat can I say about my well/bred, small/nosed, trust/funded schoolmatesD Descended from hardworking, thrifty industrialists 8there were two girls in my class who had the same last names as "merican car makers:, did they show a'titudes for math or scienceD Did they dis'lay mechanical ingenuityD 2r a commitment to the rotestant work ethicD In a word: no% 4here is no e)idence against genetic determinism more 'ersuasi)e than the children of the rich% 4he 6harm =racelets didn+t study% 4hey ne)er raised their hands in class% 4hey sat in the back, slum'ing, and went home each day carrying the 'ro' of a notebook% 8=ut maybe the 6harm =racelets understood more about life than I did% 9rom an early age they knew what little )alue the world 'laced in books, and so didn+t waste their time with them% Ahereas I, e)en now, 'ersist in belie)ing that these black marks on white 'a'er bear the greatest significance, that if I kee' writing I might be able to catch the rainbow of consciousness in a Bar% 4he only trust fund I ha)e is this story, and unlike a 'rudent Aas', I+m di''ing into 'rinci'al, s'ending it all K: assing by their lockers in se)enth grade, I wasn+t aware of all this yet% I look back now 8as Dr% *uce urged me to do: to see e3actly what twel)e/year/old 6allio'e was feeling, watching the 6harm =racelets undress in steamy light% Aas there a shi)er of arousal in herD Did flesh res'ond beneath goalie 'adsD I try to remember, but what comes back is only a bundle of emotions: en)y, certainly, but also disdain% Inferiority and su'eriority at once% "bo)e all, there was 'anic% In front of me girls were entering and e3iting the showers% 4he flashes of nakedness were like shouts going off% " year or so earlier these same girls had been 'orcelain figurines, gingerly di''ing their toes into the disinfectant basin at the 'ublic 'ool% How they were magnificent creatures% !o)ing through the humid air, I felt like a snorkeler% 2n I came, kicking my hea)y, 'added legs and ga'ing through the goalie mask at the fantastic underwater life all around me% &ea anemones s'routed from between my classmates+ legs% 4hey came in all colors, black, brown, electric yellow, )i)id red% 7igher u', their breasts bobbed like Bellyfish, softly 'ulsing, ti''ed with stinging 'ink% ?)erything was wa)ing in the current, feeding on microsco'ic 'lankton, growing bigger by the minute% 4he shy, 'lum' girls were like sea lions, lurking in the de'ths% 4he surface of the sea is a mirror, reflecting di)ergent e)olutionary 'aths% ;' abo)e, the creatures of air; down below, those of water% 2ne 'lanet, containing two worlds% !y classmates were as unastonished by their e3tra)agant traits as a blowfish is by its @uills% 4hey seemed to be a different s'ecies% It was as if they had scent glands or

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marsu'ial 'ouches, ada'tations for fecundity, for 'rocreating in the wild, which had nothing to do with skinny, hairless, domesticated me% I hurried by, desolate, my ears ringing with the noise of the 'lace% =eyond the 6harm =racelets I 'assed ne3t into the area of the Qilt ins% 4he most 'o'ulous 'hylum in our locker room, the Qilt ins took u' three rows of lockers% 4here they were, fat and skinny, 'ale and freckled, clumsily 'utting on socks or 'ulling u' unbecoming underwear% 4hey were like the de)ices that held our tartans together, unremarkable, dull, but necessary in their way% I don+t remember any of their names% ast the 6harm =racelets, through the Qilt ins, dee'er into the locker room, 6allio'e lim'ed% =ack to where the tiles were cracked and the 'laster yellowing, under the flickering light fi3tures, by the drinking fountain with the 'rehistoric 'iece of gum in the drain, I hurried to where I belonged, to my niche of the local habitat% I wasn+t alone that year in ha)ing my circumstances altered% 4he s'ecter of busing had started other 'arents looking into 'ri)ate schools% =aker W Inglis, with an im'ressi)e 'hysical 'lant but a small endowment, wasn+t a)erse to increasing enrollment% "nd so, in the autumn of 19#C, we had arri)ed 8the steam thins out this far from the showers and I can see my old friends clearly:: 0eetika 6huraswami, with her enormous yellow eyes and s'arrow+s waist; and Joanne !aria =arbara eracchio, with her corrected clubfoot and 8it must be admitted: John =irch &ociety affiliation; Horma "bdow, whose father had gone away on the 7aB and ne)er come back; 4ina Qubek, who was 6(ech by blood; and *inda 0amire(, half &'anish, half 9ili'ina, who was standing still, waiting for her glasses to unfog% ,?thnic1 girls we were called, but then who wasn+t, when you got right down to itD Aeren+t the 6harm =racelets e)ery bit as ethnicD Aeren+t they as full of strange rituals and foodD 2f tribal s'eechD 4hey said ,bogue1 for re'ulsi)e and ,@ueer1 for weird% 4hey ate tiny, crustless sandwiches on white bread<cucumber sandwiches, mayonnaise, and something called ,watercress%1 ;ntil we came to =aker W Inglis my friends and I had always felt com'letely "merican% =ut now the =racelets+ u'turned noses suggested that there was another "merica to which we could ne)er gain admittance% "ll of a sudden "merica wasn+t about hamburgers and hot rods anymore% It was about the Mayflower and lymouth 0ock% It was about something that had ha''ened for two minutes four hundred years ago, instead of e)erything that had ha''ened since% Instead of e)erything that was ha''ening now> &uffice it to say that, in se)enth grade, 6allio'e found herself aligned with, taken in by, nurtured and befriended by the year+s newcomers% "s I o'ened my locker, my friends said nothing about my 'orous goaltending% Instead 0eetika kindly turned the subBect to an u'coming math test% Joanne !aria =arbara eracchio slowly 'eeled off a knee sock% 6orrectional surgery had left her right ankle as thin as a broomstick% 4he sight of it always made me feel better about myself% Horma "bdow o'ened her locker, looked in, and shouted, ,-ross>1 I stalled, unlacing my 'ads% 2n either side, my friends, with @uick, shi)ery mo)ements, stri''ed off their clothes% 4hey wra''ed themsel)es in towels% ,Jou guysD1 *inda 0amire( asked% ,6an I borrow some sham'ooD1 ,2nly if you+re my lunch 'eon tomorrow%1 ,Ho way>1 ,4hen no sham'oo%1 ,2kay, okay%1 ,2kay, whatD1 ,2kay, Jour 7ighness%1 I waited until they left before I undressed% 9irst I took off my knee socks% I reached under my athletic tunic and 'ulled down my shorts% "fter tying a bath towel around my waist, I unbuttoned the shoulder stra's of my tunic and 'ulled it o)er my head% 4his left me with the towel and my Bersey on% How came the tricky 'art% 4he

15.

brassiere I had was si(e E0 ""% It had a tiny rosette between the cu's and a label that read ,Joung !iss by 2lga%1 84essie had urged me to get an old/fashioned training bra, but I wanted something that looked like what my friends had, and 'referably 'added%: I now fastened this item around my waist, clas's in front, and then rotated it into 'osition% "t that 'oint, one slee)e at a time, I 'ulled my arms inside my Bersey so that it sat on my shoulders like a cloak% Aorking inside it, I slid the bra u' my torso until I could sli' my arms through the armholes% Ahen that was accom'lished, I 'ut my kilt on under my towel, remo)ed my Bersey, 'ut on my blouse, and tossed the towel away% I wasn+t naked for a second% 4he only witness to my cunning was our school mascot% 2n the wall behind me a faded felt banner 'roclaimed: ,19.. &tate 9ield 7ockey 6ham'ions%1 =elow this, striking her customary insouciant 'ose, was the =WI Aol)erette% Aith her beady eyes, shar' teeth, and ta'ering snout, she stood leaning on her hockey stick, right foot crossed o)er left ankle% &he wore a blue tunic with a red sash% " red ribbon sat between her furry ears% It was difficult to tell if she was smiling or snarling% 4here was something of the Jale bulldog+s tenacity in our Aol)erette, but there was elegance, too% 4he Aol)erette didn+t Bust 'lay to win% &he 'layed to kee' her figure% "t the nearby drinking fountain, I 'ressed one finger o)er the hole, making the water s@uirt high in the air% I 'ut my head into this stream% 6oach &tork always touched our hair before letting us lea)e, making sure it was wet% 4he year I was 'acked off to 'ri)ate school, 6ha'ter ?le)en went off to college% "lthough he was safe from the long arm of Judge 0oth, other arms had been reaching for him% 2ne hot day the 're)ious July, as I was 'assing down our u'stairs hall, I heard a strange )oice emanating from 6ha'ter ?le)en+s bedroom% 4he )oice was a man+s and he was reading numbers and dates% ,9ebruary fourth,1 the )oice said, ,thirty/two% 9ebruary fifth<three hundred and twenty/one% 9ebruary si3th K1 4he accordion door wasn+t latched, so I 'eeked in% !y brother was lying on his bed, wra''ed in an old afghan 4essie had crocheted for him% 7is head e3tended from one end<eyes gla(ed<and his white legs from the other% "cross the room his stereo am'lifier was on, the radio needle Bum'ing% 4hat s'ring, 6ha'ter ?le)en had recei)ed two letters, one from the ;ni)ersity of !ichigan informing him of his acce'tance and the other from the ;%&% go)ernment informing him of his eligibility for the draft% &ince then my a'olitical brother had been taking an unusual interest in current e)ents% ?)ery night, he watched the news with !ilton, tracking military de)elo'ments and 'aying close attention to the guarded statements of 7enry Qissinger at the aris 'eace talks% , ower is the greatest a'hrodisiac,1 Qissinger famously said, and it must ha)e been true: because 6ha'ter ?le)en was glued to the set night after night, following the machinations of di'lomacy% "t the same time, !ilton was 'ricked by the strange desire of 'arents, and es'ecially of fathers, to see their children re'eat their own sufferings% ,!ight do you some good being in the ser)ice,1 he said% 4o which 6ha'ter ?le)en re'lied, ,I+ll go to 6anada%1 ,Jou will not% If they call you u', you+ll ser)e your country Bust like I did%1 "nd then 4essie: ,Don+t worry% 4he whole thing+ll be o)er before they can get you%1 In the summer of +#C, howe)er, as I watched my number/stunned brother, the war was still officially on% Hi3on+s 6hristmas bombings were still awaiting their holiday season% Qissinger was still shuttling between aris and Aashington to maintain his se3 a''eal% In actuality, the aris eace "ccords would be signed the following January and the last "merican troo's would 'ull out of Oietnam in !arch% =ut as I 'eeked in at my

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brother+s inert body, no one knew that yet% I was aware only of what a strange thing it was to be male% &ociety discriminated against women, no @uestion% =ut what about the discrimination of being sent to warD Ahich se3 was really thought to be e3'endableD I felt a sym'athy and 'rotecti)eness for my brother I+d ne)er felt before% I thought of 6ha'ter ?le)en in an army uniform, s@uatting in the Bungle% I imagined him wounded on a stretcher, and I started to cry% 4he )oice on the radio droned on: ,9ebruary twenty/first<one hundred and forty/one% 9ebruary twenty/second<se)enty/four% 9ebruary twenty/third<two hundred and si3%1 I waited until !arch C0, 6ha'ter ?le)en+s birthday% Ahen the )oice announced his draft number<it was two hundred and ninety, he would ne)er go to war<I burst into his room% 6ha'ter ?le)en lea't out of bed% Ae looked at each other and<almost unheard of between us<we hugged% 4he ne3t fall, my brother left not for 6anada but for "nn "rbor% 2nce again, as when 6ha'ter ?le)en+s egg had dro''ed, I was left alone% "lone at home to note my father+s growing anger at the nightly news, his frustration at the ,half/assed1 way the "mericans were waging the war 8na'alm notwithstanding: and his increasing sym'athy for resident Hi3on% "lone, also, to detect a feeling of uselessness that began to 'lague my mother% Aith 6ha'ter ?le)en out of the house and me growing u', 4essie found herself with too much time on her hands% &he began to fill her days with classes at the Aar !emorial 6ommunity 6enter% &he learned decou'age% &he wo)e 'lant hangers% 2ur house began to fill u' with her craft 'roBects% 4here were 'ainted baskets and beaded curtains, 'a'erweights with )arious obBects sus'ended in them, dried flowers, colored grains and beans% &he went anti@uing and hung an old washboard on the wall% &he took yoga, too% It was the combination of !ilton+s disgust at the antiwar mo)ement and 4essie+s sense of uselessness that led them to begin reading the entire one/hundred/and/fifteen/)olume set of the -reat =ooks series% ;ncle ete had been touting these books for a long time, not to mention @uoting from them liberally to score 'oints in &unday debates% "nd now, with so much learning in the air<6ha'ter ?le)en maBoring in engineering, I myself taking first/year *atin with !iss &ilber, who wore sunglasses in class<!ilton and 4essie decided it was time to round out their education% 4he -reat =ooks arri)ed in ten bo3es stam'ed with their contents% "ristotle, lato, and &ocrates in one; 6icero, !arcus "urelius, and Oirgil in another% "s we shel)ed the books in the built/in stacks on !iddlese3, we read the names, many familiar 8&hakes'eare:, others not 8=oethius:% 6anon/bashing wasn+t in )ogue yet, and besides, the -reat =ooks began with names not unlike our own 84hucydides:, so we felt included% ,7ere+s a good one,1 said !ilton, holding u' !ilton% 4he only thing that disa''ointed him was that the series didn+t contain a book by "yn 0and% He)ertheless, that e)ening after dinner, !ilton began reading aloud to 4essie% 4hey went chronologically, starting with )olume one and working their way toward one hundred and fifteen% Ahile I did my homework in the kitchen I heard !ilton+s resonant, drill/like )oice saying, ,&ocrates: L4here seem to be two causes of the deterioration of the arts%+ "deimantus: LAhat are theyD+ &ocrates: LAealth, I said, and 'o)erty%+ 1 Ahen the lato got to be hard going, !ilton suggested ski''ing ahead to !achia)elli% "fter a few days of that, 4essie asked for 4homas 7ardy, but an hour later !ilton 'ut the book down, unim'ressed% ,4oo many heaths,1 he com'lained% ,7eath this and heath that%1 4hen they read !he 3ld Man and the "ea by ?rnest 7emingway, which they enBoyed, and then they ga)e the 'roBect u'%

15#

I bring u' my 'arents+ failed assault on the -reat =ooks for a reason% 4hroughout my formati)e years, the set remained on our library shel)es, weighty and regal/looking with its gold s'ines% ?)en back then the -reat =ooks were working on me, silently urging me to 'ursue the most futile human dream of all, the dream of writing a book worthy of Boining their number, a one hundred and si3teenth -reat =ook with another long -reek name on the co)er: &te'hanides% 4hat was when I was young and full of grand dreams% How I+)e gi)en u' any ho'e of lasting fame or literary 'erfection% I don+t care if I write a great book anymore, but Bust one which, whate)er its flaws, will lea)e a record of my im'ossible life% 4he life which, as I shel)ed books, was finally re)ealing itself% =ecause here is 6allio'e, o'ening another carton% 7ere she is taking out number forty/fi)e 8*ocke, 0ousseau:% 7ere she is reaching u', without resorting to ti'toes, to 'ut it on the to' shelf% "nd here is 4essie, looking u' and saying, ,I think you+re growing, 6al%1 It turned out to be an understatement% =eginning in January of se)enth grade and continuing into the following "ugust, my 're)iously fro(en body underwent a growth s'urt of uncommon 'ro'ortions and unforeseeable conse@uences% 4hough at home I was still ke't on the !editerranean Diet, the food at my new school<chicken 'ot 'ies, 4ater 4ots, cubed Jell/2<canceled out its fountain/of/youth effects and, in all ways but one, I began to grow u'% I s'routed with the )elocity of the mung beans we studied in ?arth &cience% *earning about 'hotosynthesis, we ke't one tray in the dark and one in the light, and measured them e)ery day with metric rulers% *ike a mung bean my body stretched u' toward the great grow lam' in the sky, and my case was e)en more significant because I continued to grow in the dark% "t night, my Boints ached% I had trouble slee'ing% I wra''ed my legs in heating 'ads, smiling through the 'ain% =ecause along with my new height, something else was finally ha''ening% 7air was beginning to a''ear in the re@uired 'laces% ?)ery night, after locking my bedroom door, I angled my desk lam' Bust so and began to count the hairs% 2ne week there were three; the ne3t, si3; two weeks later, se)enteen% In a grand mood one day I ran a comb through them% ,"bout time,1 I said, and e)en that was different: my )oice was beginning to change% It didn+t do so o)ernight% I don+t remember any cracking% Instead my )oice began a slow descent that continued for the ne3t cou'le of years% 4he ears'litting @uality it had had<which I used as a wea'on against my brother<disa''eared% 7itting the ,free1 in the national anthem was a thing of the 'ast% !y mother ke't thinking that I had a cold% &ales ladies looked 'ast me for the woman who had asked for hel'% It was a not unbewitching sound, a mi3 of flute and bassoon, my consonants slightly slurred, a rush and breathiness to most of my 'ronouncements% "nd there were the signs only a linguist could 'ick u', middle/class elisions, grace notes 'assed down from -reek into midwestern twang, the heritage from my grand'arents and 'arents that li)ed on in me like e)erything else% I grew tall% !y )oice matured% =ut nothing seemed unnatural% !y slight build, my thin waist, the smallness of my head, hands, and feet raised no @uestions in anybody+s mind% !any genetic males raised as girls don+t blend in so easily% 9rom an early age they look different, mo)e differently, they can+t find shoes or glo)es that fit% 2ther kids call them tomboys or worse: a'e/women, gorillas% !y skinniness disguised me% 4he early se)enties were a good time to be flat/chested% "ndrogyny was in% !y rickety height and foal+s legs ga)e me the 'osture of a fashion model% !y clothes weren+t right, my face wasn+t right, but my angularity was% I had that saluki look% lus, for whate)er reason<my dreamy tem'erament, my bookishness<I fit right in%

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&till, it wasn+t uncommon for certain innocent, e3citable girls to res'ond to my 'resence in ways they weren+t aware of% I+m thinking of *ily arker, who used to lie down on the lobby couches and rest her head in my la', looking u' and saying, ,Jou ha)e the most 'erfect chin%1 2r of June James, who used to 'ull my hair o)er her own head, so that we could share it like a tent% !y body might ha)e released 'heromones that affected my schoolmates% 7ow else to e3'lain the way my friends tugged on me, leaned on meD "t this early stage, before my male secondary characteristics had manifested themsel)es, before there were whis'ers about me in the halls and girls thought twice about laying their heads in my la'<in se)enth grade, when my hair was glossy instead of fri((y, my cheeks still smooth, my muscles unde)elo'ed, and yet, in)isibly but unmistakably, I began to e3ude some kind of masculinity, in the way I tossed u' and caught my eraser, for instance, or in the way I di)e/bombed 'eo'le+s desserts with my s'oon, in the intensity of my knit brow or my eagerness to debate anyone on anything in class; when I was a changeling, before I changed, I was @uite 'o'ular at my new school% =ut this stage was brief% &oon my headgear lost its nighttime war against the forces of crookedness% "'ollo ga)e in to Dionysius% =eauty may always be a little bit freakish, but the year I turned thirteen I was becoming freakier than e)er% 6onsider the yearbook% In the field hockey team 'hoto, taken in the fall, I am on one knee in the front row% Aith my homeroom in the s'ring, I am stoo'ing in the back% !y face is shadowed with self/consciousness% 82)er the years my 'er'etually 'er'le3ed e3'ression would dri)e 'hotogra'hers to distraction% It ruined class 'hotos and 6hristmas cards until, in the most widely 'ublished 'ictures of me, the 'roblem was finally sol)ed by blocking out my face altogether%: If !ilton missed ha)ing a beautiful daughter, I ne)er knew it% "t weddings he still asked me to dance, regardless of how ridiculous we looked together% ,6ome on, kukla ,1 he+d say, ,let+s cut the rug,1 and we+d be off, the s@uat, 'lum' father leading with confident, old/fashioned, fo3/trot ste's, and the awkward 'raying mantis of a daughter trying to follow along% !y 'arents+ lo)e for me didn+t diminish with my looks% I think it+s fair to say, howe)er, that as my a''earance changed in those years a s'ecies of sadness infiltrated my 'arents+ lo)e% 4hey worried that I wouldn+t attract boys, that I would be a wallflower, like "unt Go% &ometimes when we were dancing, !ilton s@uared his shoulders and looked around the floor, as if daring anyone to make a crack% !y res'onse to all this growing was to grow my hair% ;nlike the rest of me, which seemed bent on doing whate)er it wanted, my hair remained under my control% "nd so like Desdemona after her disastrous JA6" makeo)er, I refused to let anyone cut it% "ll through se)enth grade and into eighth I 'ursued my goal% Ahile college students marched against the war, 6allio'e 'rotested against hair cli''ers% Ahile bombs were secretly dro''ed on 6ambodia, 6allie did what she could to kee' her own secrets% =y the s'ring of 19#E, the war was officially o)er% resident Hi3on would be out of office in "ugust of the ne3t year% 0ock music was gi)ing way to disco% "cross the nation, hairstyles were changing% =ut 6allio'e+s head, like a midwesterner who always got the fashions late, still thought it was the si3ties% !y hair> !y unbelie)ably abundant, thirteen/year/old hair> 7as there e)er e3isted a head of hair like mine at thirteenD Did any girl e)er summon as many 0oto/0ooter men out of their trucksD !onthly, weekly, semiweekly, the drains in our house clogged% ,Jesus 6hrist,1 !ilton com'lained, writing out yet another check,

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,you+re worse than those goddamn tree roots%1 7air like a ball of tumbleweed, blowing through the rooms of !iddlese3% 7air like a black tornado wheeling across an amateur newsreel% 7air so )ast it seemed to 'ossess its own weather systems, because my dry s'lit ends crackled with static electricity whereas closer in, near my scal', the atmos'here grew warm and moist like a rain forest% Desdemona+s hair was long and silky, but I+d gotten Jimmy Gi(mo+s s'ikier )ariety% omade would ne)er subdue it% 9irst ladies would ne)er buy it% It was hair that could turn the !edusa to stone, hair snakier than all the snake 'its in a minotaur mo)ie% !y family suffered% !y hair turned u' in e)ery corner, e)ery drawer, e)ery meal % ?)en in the rice 'uddings 4essie made, co)ering each little bowl with wa3 'a'er before 'utting it away in the fridge<e)en into these 'ro'hylactically secure desserts my hair found its way> Jet black hairs wound themsel)es around bars of soa'% 4hey lay 'ressed like flower stems between the 'ages of books% 4hey turned u' in eyeglass cases, birthday cards, once<I swear<inside an egg 4essie had Bust cracked% 4he ne3t/door neighbor+s cat coughed u' a hairball one day and the hair was not the cat+s% ,4hat+s so gross>1 =ecky 4urnbull shouted% ,I+m calling the & 6">1 In )ain !ilton tried to get me to wear one of the 'a'er hats his em'loyees had to wear by law% 4essie, as though I were still si3, took a hairbrush to me% ,I<don+t<see<why<you<won+t<let<&o'hie<do<something<with<your<hair%1 ,=ecause I see what she does to her hair%1 ,&o'hie has a 'erfectly nice hairstyle%1 ,2w>1 ,Aell, what do you e3'ectD It+s a rat+s nest%1 ,Just lea)e it%1 ,=e still%1 !ore brushing, tugging% !y head Berking with e)ery stroke% ,&hort hair+s the style now anyway, 6allie%1 ,"re you finishedD1 " few final, frustrated strokes% 4hen, 'lainti)ely: ,"t least tie it back% Qee' it out of your face%1 Ahat could I tell herD 4hat that was the whole 'oint of ha)ing long hairD 4o kee' it in my faceD !aybe I didn+t look like Dorothy 7amill% !aybe I was e)en starting to bear a strong resemblance to our wee'ing willow trees% =ut there were )irtues to my hair% It co)ered tinsel teeth% It co)ered satyrical nose% It hid blemishes and, best of all, it hid me% 6ut my hairD He)er> I was still growing it out% !y dream was to someday li)e inside it% Imagine me then at unlucky thirteen as I entered the eighth grade% 9i)e feet ten inches tall, weighing one hundred and thirty/one 'ounds% =lack hair hanging like dra'es on either side of my nose% eo'le knocking on the air in front of my face and calling out, ,"nybody in thereD1 I was in there all right% Ahere else could I goD

.axing &yrical
Iam back to my old ways% 4o my solitary walks through Oictoria 'ark% 4o my 0omeo y Julietas, my Da)idoff -rand 6rus% 4o my embassy rece'tions, my hilharmonie concerts, my nightly rounds at the 9elsenkeller% It+s my fa)orite time of year, fall% 4he slight chill to the air, @uickening the brain, and all the schoolkid,

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school/year memories attached to autumn% Jou don+t get the bright lea)es here in ?uro'e the way you do in Hew ?ngland% 4he lea)es smolder but ne)er catch flame% It+s still warm enough to bicycle% *ast night I rode from &chNneberg to 2rianenburgstrasse in !itte% I met a friend for a drink% *ea)ing, riding through the streets, I was hailed by the intergalactic streetwalkers% In their !anga suits, their moon boots, they tossed their teased doll+s hair and called, 7allo hallo% !aybe they would be Bust the thing for me% 0emunerated to tolerate most anything% &hocked by nothing% "nd yet, as I 'edaled 'ast their lineu', their "trich , my feelings toward them were not a man+s% I was aware of a good girl+s re'roachfulness and disdain, along with a 'erce'tible, 'hysical em'athy% "s they shifted their hi's, hooking me with their darkly 'ainted eyes, my mind filled not with images of what I might do with them, but with what it must be like for them, night after night, hour after hour, to ha)e to do it% 4he Huren themsel)es didn+t look too closely at me% 4hey saw my silk scarf, my Gegna 'ants, my gleaming shoes% 4hey saw the money in my wallet% 7allo, they called% 7allo% 7allo%

***
It was fall then, too, the fall of 19#E% I was only a few months from turning fourteen% "nd one &unday after church &o'hie &assoon whis'ered in my ear, ,7onD Jou+re getting Bust the tiniest bit of a mustache% 7a)e your mother bring you by the sho'% I+ll take care of it for you%1 " mustacheD Aas it trueD *ike !rs% Dre3elD I hurried to the bathroom to see% !rs% 4silouras was rea''lying li'stick, but as soon as she left I 'ut my face u' to the mirror% Hot a full/fledged mustache: only a few darkish hairs abo)e my u''er li'% 4his wasn+t as sur'rising as it may seem% In fact, I+d been e3'ecting it% *ike the &un =elt or the =ible =elt, there e3ists, on this multifarious earth of ours, a 7air =elt% It begins in southern &'ain, congruent with !oorish influence% It e3tends o)er the dark/eyed regions of Italy, almost all of -reece, and absolutely all of 4urkey% It di's south to include !orocco, 4unisia, "lgeria, and ?gy't% 6ontinuing on 8and darkening in color as ma's do to indicate ocean de'th: it blankets &yria, Iran, and "fghanistan, before lightening gradually in India% "fter that, e3ce't for a single dot re'resenting the "inu in Ja'an, the 7air =elt ends% &ing, !use, of -reek ladies and their battle against unsightly hair> &ing of de'ilatory creams and twee(ers> 2f bleach and beeswa3> &ing how the unsightly black fu((, like the ersian legions of Darius, swee's o)er the "chaean mainland of girls barely into their teens> Ho, 6allio'e was not sur'rised by the a''earance of a shadow abo)e her u''er li'% !y "unt Go, my mother, &ourmelina, and e)en my cousin 6leo all suffered from hair growing where they didn+t want it to% Ahen I close my eyes and summon the fond smells of childhood, do I smell gingerbread baking or the 'ine/fresh scent of 6hristmas treesD Hot 'rimarily% 4he aroma that fills, as it were, the nostrils of my memory is the sulfurous, 'rotein/dissol)ing fetor of Hair% I see my mother, with her feet in the tub, waiting for the bubbling, stinging foam to work% I see &ourmelina, heating u' a tin of wa3 on the sto)e% 4he 'ains they took to make themsel)es smooth> 4he rashes the creams left> 4he futility of it all> 4he enemy,

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hair, was in)incible% It was life itself% I told my mother to make an a''ointment for me at &o'hie &assoon+s beauty 'arlor at the ?astland !all% Aedged between a mo)ie theater and a submarine sandwich sho', the -olden 9leece did what it could to distance itself socially from its neighbors% " tasteful awning hung o)er the entrance, bearing the silhouette of a arisian grande dame % Inside, flowers sat on the front desk% Just as colorful as the flowers was &o'hie &assoon herself% In a 'ur'le muumuu, braceleted and begemmed, she glided from chair to chair% ,7ow we doing hereD 2h, you look gorgeous% 4hat color takes ten years off%1 4hen to the ne3t customer: ,Don+t look so worried% 4rust me% 4his is how they+re wearing their hair now% 0einaldo, tell her%1 "nd 0einaldo in his hi'/huggers: ,*ike !ia 9arrow in Aosemary+s a$y % &ick flick, but she looked great%1 =y then &o'hie had mo)ed on to the ne3t 'erson% ,7on, let me gi)e you some ad)ice% Don+t blow/dry your hair% *et it dry wet% "lso I+)e got a conditioner for you you won+t belie)e% I+m an authori(ed dealer%1 It was &o'hie &assoon+s 'ersonal attention the women came for, the feeling of safety the salon ga)e them, the assurance that in here they could e3'ose their flaws without embarrassment and &o'hie would take care of them% It must ha)e been the lo)e they came for% 2therwise the customers would ha)e noticed that &o'hie &assoon was herself in need of beauty ad)ice% 4hey would ha)e seen that her eyebrows were drawn on as though by !agic !arker, and that her face, owing to the rincess =orghese makeu' she sold on commission, was the color of a brick% =ut did I see it that day myself, or in the weeks that followedD *ike e)eryone else, instead of Budging the final effect of &o'hie &asoon+s makeu' Bob, I was im'ressed by the com'le3ity of it% I knew, as did my mother and the other ladies, that to ,'ut on her face1 e)ery morning it took &o'hie &assoon no less than one hour and forty/fi)e minutes% &he had to a''ly eye creams and under/eye creams% &he had to lay down )arious layers, like shellacking a &tradi)arius% In addition to the brick/colored final coat there were others: dabs of green to control redness, 'inks to add blush, blues abo)e the eyes% &he used dry eyeliner, li@uid eyeliner, li' liner, li' conditioner, a frosted highlighter, and a 'ore minimi(er% &o'hie &asoon+s face: it was created with the rigor of a sand 'ainting blown grain by grain by 4ibetan monks% It lasted only a day and then it was gone% 4his face now said to us, ,0ight this way, ladies%1 &o'hie was warm, as always, lo)ing as always% 7er hands, treated e)ery night with )anishing cream, fluttered around us, stroking, rubbing% 7er earrings looked like something &chliemann had dug u' at 4roy% &he led us 'ast a line of women ha)ing their hair set, across a stifling ghetto of hair dryers, and through a blue curtain% In the front of the -olden 9leece, &o'hie fi3ed 'eo'le+s hair; in the back she remo)ed it% =ehind the blue curtain half/naked women 'resented 'ortions of themsel)es to wa3% 2ne large woman was on her back, her blouse 'ulled u' to e3'ose her na)el% "nother was lying on her stomach, reading a maga(ine while wa3 dried on the back of her thighs% 4here was a woman sitting in a chair, her sideburns and chin smeared with dark golden wa3, and there were two beautiful young women lying naked from the waist down, ha)ing their bikini lines done% 4he smell of the beeswa3 was strong, 'leasant% 4he atmos'here was like a 4urkish bath without the heat, a la(y, dra'ed feeling to e)erything, steam curling off 'ots of wa3% ,I+m only ha)ing my face done,1 I told &o'hie% ,&he sounds like she+s 'aying,1 &o'hie Boked to my mother% !y mother laughed, and the other women Boined in% ?)eryone was looking our way, smiling% I+d come from school and was still in my uniform%

19C

,=e glad it+s Bust your face,1 said one of the bikini/liners% ,9ew years from now,1 said the other, ,you might be heading south%1 *aughter% Ainks% ?)en, to my astonishment, a sly smile s'reading o)er my mother+s face% "s if behind the blue curtain 4essie was another 'erson% "s if, now that we were getting wa3ed together, she could treat me like an adult% ,&o'hie, maybe you can con)ince 6allie to get her hair cut,1 4essie said% ,It+s a little bushy, hon,1 &o'hie le)eled with me% ,9or your face sha'e%1 ,Just a wa3, 'lease,1 I said% ,&he won+t listen,1 said 4essie% " 7ungarian woman 8from the outskirts of the 7air =elt: did the honors% Aith the short/order efficiency of Jimmy a'anikolas, she 'ositioned us around the room like food on a grill: in one corner the large woman as 'ink as a slab of 6anadian bacon; down at the bottom 4essie and me, lum'ed together like home fries; o)er on the left the bikini/liners, lying sunny side u'% 7elga ke't us all si((ling% 7olding her aluminum tray, she mo)ed from body to body, s'reading ma'le/syru'/colored wa3 where it was needed with a flat wooden s'oon, and 'ressing in stri's of gau(e before it hardened% Ahen the large woman was done on one side, 7elga fli''ed her o)er% 4essie and I lay in our chairs, listening to wa3 being )iolently remo)ed% ,2h my>1 cried the large lady% ,Is nothing,1 belittled 7elga% ,I do it 'erfect%1 ,2weee>1 yel'ed a bikini/liner% "nd 7elga, taking an oddly feminist stance: ,&ee what you do for the mensD Jou suffer% Is not worth it%1 How 7elga came o)er to me% &he took hold of my chin and mo)ed my head from side to side, e3amining% &he s'read wa3 abo)e my u''er li'% &he mo)ed to my mother and did the same% 4hirty seconds later the wa3 had hardened% ,I ha)e a sur'rise for you,1 4essie said% ,AhatD1 I asked, as 7elga ri''ed% I was certain my fledgling mustache was gone% "lso, my u''er li'% ,Jour brother+s coming home for 6hristmas%1 !y eyes were tearing% I blinked and said nothing, momentarily dumbfounded% 7elga turned to my mother% ,&ome sur'rise,1 I said% ,7e+s bringing a girlfriend%1 ,7e+s got a girlfriendD Aho would go out with himD1 ,7er name is K1 7elga ri''ed% "fter a moment my mother resumed, ,!eg%1 9rom then on, &o'hie &assoon took care of my facial hair% I went in about twice a month, adding de'ilation to an e)er/growing list of u'kee' re@uirements% I started sha)ing my legs and underarms% I 'lucked my eyebrows% 4he dress code at my school forbade cosmetics% =ut on weekends I got to e3'eriment, within limits% 0eetika and I 'ainted our faces in her bedroom, 'assing a hand mirror back and forth% I was 'articularly gi)en to dramatic eyeliner% !y model here was !aria 6allas, or 'ossibly =arbra &treisand in Funny Girl % 4he trium'hant, long/nosed di)as% "t home I snoo'ed in 4essie+s bathroom% I lo)ed the amulet/like )ials, the sweet/smelling, seemingly edible creams% I tried out her facial steamer, too% Jou 'ut your face to the 'lastic cone and were blasted by heat% I stayed away from greasy moisturi(ers, worried they would make me break out% Aith 6ha'ter ?le)en off at college<he was a so'homore now<I had the bathroom to myself% 4his was e)ident from the medicine cabinet% 4wo 'ink Daisy ra(ors stood u'right in a small drinking cu', ne3t to a s'ray can of sssssst instant sham'oo% " tube

19E

of Dr e''er *i' &macker, which tasted like the soft drink, kissed a bottle of ,-ee, Jour 7air &mells 4errific%1 !y =reck 6reme 0inse with =ody 'romised to make me ,the girl with the hair1 8but wasn+t I alreadyD:% 9rom there we mo)e on to the facial 'roducts: my ?'ib6lear "cne Qit; my 6ra(y 6url hair iron; a bottle of 9emIron 'ills which I was ho'ing to someday need; and a shaker of *o)e+s =aby &oft body 'owder% 4hen there was my aerosol can of &oft W Dri non/sting anti'ers'irant and my two bottles of 'erfume: Aoodhue, a mildly disturbing 6hristmas 'resent from my brother, which I conse@uently ne)er wore; and *+"ir du 4em's by Hina 0icci 8,2nly the romantic need a''ly1:% I also had a tub of JolIn 6reme =leach, for between a''ointments at the -olden 9leece% Inters'ersed amid these totemic items were stray P/ti's and cotton balls, li' liners, !a3 9actor eye makeu', mascara, blush, and e)erything else I used in a losing battle to make myself beautiful% 9inally, hidden in the back of the cabinet, was the bo3 of Qote3 'ads, which my mother had gi)en me one day% ,Ae better Bust kee' these on hand,1 she+d said, astonishing me com'letely% Ho further e3'lanation than that% 4he hug I had gi)en 6ha'ter ?le)en in the summer of +#C turned out to be a kind of farewell, because when he returned home from college after his freshman year my brother had become another 'erson% 7e+d grown his hair out 8not as long as mine, but still:% 7e+d started learning the guitar% erched on his nose was a 'air of granny glasses and instead of straight/legs he now wore faded bell/bottom Beans% 4he members of my family ha)e always had a knack for self/transformation% Ahile I finished my first year at =aker W Inglis and began my second, while I went from being a short se)enth grader to an alarmingly tall eighth grader, 6ha'ter ?le)en, u' at college, went from science geek to John *ennon look/alike% 7e bought a motorcycle% 7e started meditating% 7e claimed to understand BCC6= # "pace 3dyssey , e)en the ending% =ut it wasn+t until 6ha'ter ?le)en descended into the basement to 'lay ing/ ong with !ilton that I understood what was behind all this% Ae+d had a ing/ ong table for years, but so far, no matter how much my brother or I 'racticed, we had ne)er come close to beating !ilton% Heither my new long reach nor 6ha'ter ?le)en+s beetle/browed concentration was sufficient to counter !ilton+s wicked s'in or his ,killer shot1 which left red marks on our chests, through our clothes % =ut that summer, something was different% Ahen !ilton used his e3tra/fast ser)e, 6ha'ter ?le)en returned it with a minimum of effort% Ahen !ilton em'loyed the ,?nglish1 he+d learned in the Ha)y, 6ha'ter ?le)en counter/s'un% ?)en when !ilton smashed a winner across the table, 6ha'ter ?le)en, with stu'endous refle3es, sent it back where it came from% !ilton began to sweat% 7is face turned red% 6ha'ter ?le)en remained cool% 7e had a strange, distracted look on his face% 7is 'u'ils were dilated% ,-o>1 I cheered him on% ,=eat Dad>1 1C<1C% 1C<1$% 1$<1.% 1#<15% 15<C1> 6ha'ter ?le)en had done it> 7e+d beaten !ilton> ,I+m on acid,1 he e3'lained later% ,AhatD1 ,Aindow'ane% 4hree hits%1 4he drug had made e)erything seem as if it were ha''ening in slow motion% !ilton+s fastest ser)es, his most arching s'in shots and smashes, seemed to float in the air% *&DD 4hree hitsD 6ha'ter ?le)en had been tri''ing the whole time> 7e had been tri''ing during dinner> ,4hat was the hardest 'art,1 he said% ,I was watching dad car)e the chicken and then it fla''ed its wings and flew away>1

19$

,Ahat+s the matter with that kidD1 I heard my father ask my mother through the wall se'arating our rooms% ,How he+s talking about dro''ing out of engineering% &ays it+s too boring%1 ,It+s Bust a stage% It+ll 'ass%1 ,It better%1 &hortly thereafter, 6ha'ter ?le)en had returned to college% 7e hadn+t come back for 4hanksgi)ing% "nd so, as 6hristmas of +#E a''roached, we all wondered what he would be like when we saw him again% Ae @uickly found out% "s my father had feared, 6ha'ter ?le)en had scuttled his 'lans to become an engineer% How, he informed us, he was maBoring in anthro'ology% "s 'art of an assignment for one of his courses, 6ha'ter ?le)en conducted what he called ,fieldwork1 during most of that )acation% 7e carried a ta'e recorder around with him, recording e)erything we said% 7e took notes on our ,ideation systems1 and ,rituals of kin bonding%1 7e said almost nothing himself, claiming that he didn+t want to influence the findings% ?)ery now and then, howe)er, while obser)ing our e3tended family eat and Boke and argue, 6ha'ter ?le)en would let out a laugh, a 'ri)ate ?ureka that made him fall back in his chair and lift his ?arth shoes off the floor% 4hen he would lean forward and begin writing madly in his notebook% "s I+)e mentioned, my brother didn+t 'ay much attention to me while we were growing u'% 4hat weekend, howe)er, s'urred on by his new mania for obser)ation, 6ha'ter ?le)en took a new interest in me% 2n 9riday afternoon while I was diligently doing some ad)ance homework at the kitchen table, he came and sat down% 7e stared at me thoughtfully for a long time% ,*atin, huhD 4hat what they+re teaching you in that schoolD1 ,I like it%1 ,Jou a necro'hiliacD1 ," whatD1 ,4hat+s someone who gets off on dead 'eo'le% *atin+s dead, isn+t itD1 ,I don+t know%1 ,I know some *atin%1 ,Jou doD1 ,6unnilingus%1 ,Don+t be gross%1 ,9ellatio%1 ,7a ha%1 ,!ons )eneris%1 ,I+m dying of laughter% Jou+re killing me% *ook, I+m dead%1 6ha'ter ?le)en was @uiet for a while% I tried to go on studying but felt him staring at me% 9inally, e3as'erated, I closed my book% ,Ahat are you looking atD1 I said% 4here was a 'ause characteristic of my brother% =ehind his granny glasses his eyes looked bland, but the mind behind them was working things out% ,I+m looking at my little sister,1 he said% ,2kay% Jou saw her% How go%1 ,I+m looking at my little sister and thinking she doesn+t look like my little sister anymore%1 ,Ahat+s that su''osed to meanD1 I asked% "gain the 'ause% ,I don+t know,1 said my brother% ,I+m trying to figure it out%1

19.

,Aell, when you figure it out, let me know% 0ight now I+)e got stuff to do%1 2n &aturday morning, 6ha'ter ?le)en+s girlfriend arri)ed% !eg Gemka was as small as my mother and as flat/chested as me% 7er hair was a mousy brown, her teeth, owing to an im'o)erished childhood, not well cared for% &he was a waif, an or'han, a runt, and si3 times as 'owerful as my brother% ,Ahat are you studying u' at college, !egD1 my father asked at dinner% , oli% sci%1 ,4hat sounds interesting%1 ,I doubt you+d like my em'hasis% I+m a !ar3ist%1 ,2h, you are, are youD1 ,Jou run a bunch of restaurants, rightD1 ,4hat+s right% 7ercules 7ot Dogs% 7a)en+t you e)er had oneD Ae+ll ha)e to take you down to one of our stands%1 ,!eg doesn+t eat meat,1 my mother reminded% ,2h yeah, I forgot,1 said !ilton% ,Aell, you can ha)e some french fries% Ae+)e got french fries%1 ,Ahat do you 'ay your workersD1 !eg asked% ,4he ones behind the counterD 4hey get minimum wage%1 ,"nd you li)e out here in this big house in -rosse ointe%1 ,4hat+s because I handle the entire business and acce't the risk%1 ,&ounds like e3'loitation to me%1 ,It does, does itD1 !ilton smiled% ,Aell, if gi)ing somebody a Bob is e3'loiting them, then I guess I+m an e3'loiter% 4hose Bobs didn+t e3ist before I started the business%1 ,4hat+s like saying that the sla)es didn+t ha)e Bobs until they built the 'lantations%1 ,Jou got a real li)e wire here,1 !ilton said, turning to my brother% ,Ahere did you find herD1 ,I found him,1 said !eg% ,2n to' of an ele)ator%1 4hat was when we learned how 6ha'ter ?le)en was s'ending his time at college% 7is fa)orite 'astime was to unscrew the ceiling 'anel on the dorm ele)ator and climb u' on to'% 7e sat there for hours, riding u' and down in the darkness% ,4he first time I did it,1 6ha'ter ?le)en now confessed, ,the car started going u' to the to'% I thought I might get crushed% =ut they lea)e some air s'ace%1 ,4his is what we+re 'aying your tuition forD1 !ilton asked% ,4hat+s what you+re e3'loiting your workers for,1 said !eg% 4essie made 6ha'ter ?le)en and !eg slee' in se'arate bedrooms, but in the middle of the night there was a lot of ti'toeing and giggling in the dark% 4rying to be the big sister I ne)er had, !eg ga)e me a co'y of 3ur odies, 3ursel,es % 6ha'ter ?le)en, swe't u' in the se3ual re)olution, tried to educate me, too% ,Jou e)er masturbate, 6alD1 ,Ahat>1 ,Jou don+t ha)e to be embarrassed% It+s natural% 4his friend of mine told me you could do it with your hand% &o I went into the bathroom<, ,I don+t want to hear about<, ,<and tried it out% "ll of sudden, all the muscles in my 'enis started contracting<, ,In our bathroomD1 ,<"nd then I eBaculated% It felt really ama(ing% Jou should try it, 6al, if you

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ha)en+t already% -irls are a little different, but 'hysiologically it+s 'retty much the same% I mean, the 'enis and the clitoris are analogous structures% Jou gotta e3'eriment to see what works%1 I 'ut my fingers in my ears and started humming% ,Jou don+t ha)e to ha)e any hang/u's with me,1 6ha'ter ?le)en said loudly% ,I+m your brother%1 4he rock music, the re)erence for !aharishi !ahesh Jogi, the a)ocado 'its s'routing on the windowsill, the rainbow/colored rolling 'a'ers% Ahat elseD 2h yeah: my brother had sto''ed using deodorant% ,Jou stink>1 I obBected one day, sitting ne3t to him in the 4O room% 6ha'ter ?le)en ga)e the tiniest of shrugs% ,I+m a human,1 he said% ,4his is what humans smell like%1 ,4hen humans stink%1 ,Do you think I stink, !egD1 ,Ho way,1 nu((ling u' to his arm'it% ,It turns me on %1 ,Aill you guys get out of here> I+m trying to watch this show%1 ,7ey, baby, my little sister wants us to s'lit% Ahat do you say to a little nookieD1 ,-roo)y%1 ,&ee you, sis% Ae+ll be u'stairs in flagrante delicto %1 Ahere could all this leadD 2nly to family dissension, shouting matches, and heartbreak% 2n Hew Jear+s ?)e, as !ilton and 4essie toasted the new year with glasses of 6old Duck, 6ha'ter ?le)en and !eg swigged on bottles of ?le'hant !alt *i@uor, going outside e)ery so often to secretly smoke a Boint% !ilton said, ,Jou know, I+)e been thinking about finally making that tri' to the old country% Ae could go back and see papou and yia yia +s )illage%1 ,"nd fi3 that church, like you 'romised,1 said 4essie% ,Ahat do you thinkD1 !ilton asked 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,!aybe we could take a family )acation this summer%1 ,Hot me,1 said 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,Ahy notD1 ,4ourism is Bust another form of colonialism%1 "nd so on and so forth% =efore long, 6ha'ter ?le)en declared that he didn+t share !ilton and 4essie+s )alues% !ilton asked what was wrong with their )alues% 6ha'ter ?le)en said he was against materialism% ,"ll you care about is money,1 he told !ilton% ,I don+t want to li)e like this%1 7e gestured toward the room% 6ha'ter ?le)en was against our li)ing room, e)erything we had, e)erything !ilton had worked for% 7e was against !iddlese3> 4hen shouting; and 6ha'ter ?le)en uttering two words to !ilton, one beginning with f , the other with y ; and more shouting, and 6ha'ter ?le)en+s motorcycle roaring away, with !eg on the back% Ahat had ha''ened to 6ha'ter ?le)enD Ahy had he changed so muchD It was being away from home, 4essie said% It was the times% It was all this trouble with the war% I, howe)er, ha)e a different answer% I sus'ect that 6ha'ter ?le)en+s transformation was caused in no small 'art by that day on his bed when his life was decided by lottery% "m I 'roBectingD &addling my brother with my own obsessions with chance and fateD !aybe% =ut as we 'lanned a tri'<a tri' that had been 'romised when !ilton was sa)ed from another war<it a''eared that 6ha'ter ?le)en, taking chemical tri's of his own, was trying to esca'e what he had dimly 'ercei)ed while wra''ed in an afghan: the 'ossibility that not only his draft number was decided by lottery, but that e)erything

19#

was% 6ha'ter ?le)en was hiding from this disco)ery, hiding behind window'ane, hiding on the to' of ele)ators, hiding in the bed of !eg Gemka with her multi'le 2+s and bad teeth, !eg Gemka who hissed in his ear while they made lo)e, %Forget your family, man' !hey+re $ourgeois pigs' Your dad+s an e>ploiter, man' Forget +em. !hey+re dead, man. 1ead. !his is what+s real. Aight here. -ome and get it, $a$y'(

The Obscure Ob5ect

It occurred to me today that I+m not as far along as I thought% Ariting my story isn+t the courageous act of liberation I had ho'ed it would be% Ariting is solitary, furti)e, and I know all about those things% I+m an e3'ert in the underground life% Is it really my a'olitical tem'erament that makes me kee' my distance from the interse3ual rights mo)ementD 6ouldn+t it also be fearD 2f standing u'% 2f becoming one of them % &till, you can only do what you+re able% If this story is written only for myself, then so be it% =ut it doesn+t feel that way% I feel you out there, reader% 4his is the only kind of intimacy I+m comfortable with% Just the two of us, here in the dark% 4hings weren+t always like this% In college, I had a girlfriend% 7er name was 2li)ia% Ae were drawn together by our common woundedness% 2li)ia had been sa)agely attacked when she was only thirteen, nearly ra'ed% 4he 'olice had caught the guy who did it and 2li)ia had testified in court numerous times% 4he ordeal had arrested her de)elo'ment% Instead of doing the normal things a high school girl did, she had had to remain that thirteen/year/old girl on the witness stand% Ahile 2li)ia and I were both intellectually ca'able of handling the college curriculum, of e3celling in it e)en, we remained in key ways emotionally adolescent% Ae cried a lot in bed% I remember the first time we took off our clothes in front of each other% It was like unwinding bandages% I was as much of a man as 2li)ia could bear at that 'oint% I was her starter kit% "fter college, I took a tri' around the world% I tried to forget my body by kee'ing it in motion% Hine months later, back home, I took the 9oreign &er)ice e3am and, a year after that, started working for the &tate De'artment% " 'erfect Bob for me% 4hree years in one 'lace, two in another% He)er long enough to form a solid attachment to anyone% In =russels, I fell in lo)e with a bartender who claimed not to care about the uncommon way I was made% I was so grateful that I asked her to marry me, though I found her dull com'any, ambitionless, too much of a shouter, a hitter% 9ortunately, she refused my 'ro'osal and ran off with someone else% Aho has there been sinceD " few here and there, ne)er long/lasting% "nd so, without 'ermanence, I ha)e fallen into the routine of my incom'lete seductions% 4he chatting u' I+m good at% 4he dinners and drinks% 4he clinches in doorways% =ut then I+m off% ,I+)e got a meeting with the ambassador in the morning,1 I say% "nd they belie)e me% 4hey belie)e the ambassador wants to be briefed on the u'coming "aron 6o'land tribute% It+s getting harder all the time% Aith 2li)ia and e)ery woman who came after her there has been this knowledge to deal with: the great fact of my condition% 4he 2bscure 2bBect and I met unawares, howe)er, in blissful ignorance%

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"fter all the screaming in our house, there reigned, that winter on !iddlese3, only silence% " silence so 'rofound that, like the left foot of the resident+s secretary, it erased 'ortions of the official record% " soggy, e)asi)e season during which !ilton, unable to admit that 6ha'ter ?le)en+s attack had broken his heart, began )isibly to swell with rage, so that almost anything set him off, a long red light, ice milk for dessert instead of ice cream% 87is was a loud silence but a silence nonetheless%: " winter during which 4essie+s worries about her children immobili(ed her, so that she failed to return 6hristmas 'resents that didn+t fit, and merely 'ut them in the closet, without getting a refund% "t the end of this wounded, dishonest season, as the first crocuses a''eared, returning from their winter in the underworld, 6allio'e &te'hanides, who also felt something stirring in the soil of her being, found herself reading the classics% &'ring semester of eighth grade brought me into !r% da &il)a+s ?nglish class% " grou' of only fi)e students, we met in the greenhouse on the second floor% &'ider 'lants let down )ines from the glass roof% 6loser to our heads geraniums crowded in, gi)ing off a smell somewhere between licorice and aluminum% In addition to me, there was 0eetika, 4ina, Joanne, and !a3ine -rossinger% 4hough our 'arents were friends, I hardly knew !a3ine% &he didn+t mi3 with the other kids on !iddlese3% &he was always 'racticing her )iolin% &he was the only Jewish kid at school% &he ate lunch alone, s'ooning kosher food from 4u''erware% I assumed her 'allor was the result of being indoors all the time and that the blue )ein that beat wildly at her tem'le was a kind of inner metronome% !r% da &il)a had been born in =ra(il% 4his was hard to notice% 7e wasn+t e3actly the 6arni)al ty'e% 4he *atin details of his childhood 8the hammock, the outdoor tub: had been erased by a Horth "merican education and a lo)e of the ?uro'ean no)el% How he was a liberal Democrat and wore black armbands in su''ort of radical causes% 7e taught &unday school at a local ?'isco'al church% 7e had a 'ink, culti)ated face and dark blond hair that fell into his eyes when he recited 'oetry% &ometimes he 'icked thistles or wildflowers from the green and wore them in the la'el of his Backet% 7e had a short, com'act body, and often did isometric e3ercises between class 'eriods% 7e 'layed the recorder, too% " music stand in his classroom held sheet music, early =aro@ue 'ieces, mostly% 7e was a great teacher, !r% da &il)a% 7e treated us with com'lete seriousness, as if we eighth graders, during fifth 'eriod, might settle something scholars had been arguing about for centuries% 7e listened to our chir'ing, his hairline 'ressing down on his eyes% Ahen he s'oke himself, it was in com'lete 'aragra'hs% If you listened closely it was 'ossible to hear the dashes and commas in his s'eech, e)en the colons and semicolons% !r% da &il)a had a rele)ant @uotation for e)erything that ha''ened to him and in this way e)aded real life% Instead of eating his lunch, he told you what 2blonsky and *e)in had for lunch in #nna &arenina % 2r, describing a sunset from 1aniel 1eronda , he failed to notice the one that was 'resently falling o)er !ichigan% !r% da &il)a had s'ent a summer in -reece si3 years before% 7e was still keyed u' about it% Ahen he described )isiting the !ani, his )oice became e)en mellower than usual, and his eyes glistened% ;nable to find a hotel one night, he had sle't on the

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ground, awaking the ne3t morning to find himself beneath an oli)e tree% !r% da &il)a had ne)er forgotten that tree% 4hey had had a meaningful e3change, the two of them% 2li)e trees are intimate creatures, elo@uent in their twistedness% It+s easy to understand why the ancients belie)ed human s'irits could be tra''ed inside them% !r% da &il)a had felt this, waking u' in his slee'ing bag% I was curious about -reece myself, of course% I was eager to )isit% !r% da &il)a encouraged me in feeling -reek% ,!iss &te'hanides,1 he called on me one day% ,&ince you hail from 7omer+s own land, would you be so kind as to read aloudD1 7e cleared his throat% , age eighty/nine%1 4hat semester, our less academically inclined sisters were reading !he .ight in the Forest % =ut in the greenhouse we were making our way through !he )liad % It was a 'a'erback 'rose translation, abridged, set loose from its numbers, robbed of the music of the ancient -reek but<as far as I was concerned<still a terrific read% -od, I lo)ed that book> 9rom the 'outing of "chilles in his tent 8which reminded me of the resident+s refusal to hand o)er the ta'es: to 7ector+s being dragged around the city by his feet 8which made me cry:, I was ri)eted% 9orget .o,e "tory % 7ar)ard couldn+t match 4roy as a setting, and in &egal+s whole no)el only one 'erson died% 8!aybe this was another sign of the hormones manifesting themsel)es silently inside me% 9or while my classmates found !he )liad too bloody for their taste, an endless catalogue of men butchering one another after formally introducing themsel)es, I thrilled to the stabbings and beheadings, the gouging out of eyes, the Buicy e)iscerations%: I o'ened my 'a'erback and lowered my head% !y hair fell forward, cutting off e)erything<!a3ine, !r% da &il)a, the greenhouse+s geraniums<e3ce't the book% 9rom behind the )el)et curtain, my lounge singer+s )oice began to 'urr% ,"'hrodite 'ut off her famous belt, in which all the charms of lo)e are wo)en, 'otency, desire, lo)ely whis'ers, and the force of seduction, which takes away foresight and Budgment e)en from the most reasonable 'eo'le%1 It was one o+clock% "n after/lunch lethargy lay o)er the room% 2utside, rain threatened% 4here was a knock at the door% ,?3cuse me, 6allie% 6ould you sto' for a moment, 'leaseD1 !r% da &il)a turned toward the door% ,6ome in%1 "long with e)eryone else, I looked u'% &tanding in the doorway was a redheaded girl% 4wo clouds bum'ed u' abo)e, skidding 'ast each other, and let down a beam of light% 4his beam struck the glass roof of the greenhouse% assing through the hanging geraniums, it 'icked u' the rosy light which now, in a kind of membrane, en)elo'ed the girl% It was also 'ossible that the sun wasn+t doing this at all, but a certain intensity, a soul ray, from my eyes% ,Ae+re in the middle of class, dear%1 ,I+m su''osed to be in this class,1 said the girl, unha''ily% &he held out a sli' of 'a'er% !r% da &il)a e3amined it% ,"re you sure !iss Durrell wants you transferred into this classD1 he said% ,!rs% *am'e doesn+t want me in her class anymore,1 re'lied the girl% ,4ake a seat% Jou+ll ha)e to share with someone% !iss &te'hanides has been reading from =ook 4hree of !he )liad for us%1 I started reading again% 4hat is, my eyes ke't tracing o)er the sentences and my mouth ke't forming the words% =ut my mind had sto''ed 'aying attention to their meaning% Ahen I finished I didn+t toss my hair back% I let it stay hanging o)er my face%

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4hrough a keyhole in it I 'eeked out% 4he girl had taken a seat across from me% &he was leaning toward 0eetika as though to look on with her, but her eyes were taking in the 'lants% 7er nose wrinkled u' at the mulchy smell% art of my interest was scientific, (oological% I+d ne)er seen a creature with so many freckles before% " =ig =ang had occurred, originating at the bridge of her nose, and the force of this e3'losion had sent gala3ies of freckles hurtling and drifting to e)ery end of her cur)ed, warm/blooded uni)erse% 4here were clusters of freckles on her forearms and wrists, an entire !ilky Aay s'reading across her forehead, e)en a few s'uttering @uasars flung into the wormholes of her ears% &ince we+re in ?nglish class, let me @uote a 'oem% -erard !anley 7o'kins+s , ied =eauty,1 which begins, ,-lory be to -od for da''led things%1 Ahen I think back about my immediate reaction to that redheaded girl, it seems to s'ring from an a''reciation of natural beauty% I mean the heart 'leasure you get from looking at s'eckled lea)es or the 'alim'sested bark of 'lane trees in ro)ence% 4here was something richly a''ealing in her color combination, the ginger sna's floating in the milk/white skin, the gold highlights in the strawberry hair% It was like autumn, looking at her% It was like dri)ing u' north to see the colors% !eanwhile she remained slum'ed sideways in her desk, her legs with the blue knee socks sho)ed out, re)ealing the worn heels of her shoes% =ecause she hadn+t done the reading she was e3em't from being called on, but !r% da &il)a sent concerned looks her way% 4he new girl didn+t notice% &he s'rawled in her orange light and slee'ily o'ened and closed her eyes% "t one 'oint she yawned and, halfway through, cut the yawn off, as though it hadn+t gone right% &he swallowed something back and 'ounded a fist against her breastbone% &he bur'ed @uietly and whis'ered to herself, %#y, caram$a.( "s soon as class was o)er she was gone% Aho was sheD Ahere had she come fromD Ahy had I ne)er noticed her in school beforeD &he was ob)iously not new at =aker W Inglis% 7er o3fords were stam'ed down at the heels so that she could sli' into them like clogs% 4his was something the 6harm =racelets did% "lso, she had an anti@ue ring on her finger, with real rubies in it% 7er li's were thin, austere, rotestant% 7er nose was not really a nose at all% It was only a beginning% &he came to class e)ery day wearing the same distant, bored e3'ression% &he shuffled in her o3ford/clogs, with a gliding or skating motion, her knees bent and her weight thrust forward% It added to the o)erall desultory im'ression% I would be watering !r% da &il)a+s 'lants when she entered% 7e asked me to do this before class% &o e)ery day began like that, me at one end of the crystal room, engulfed by geranium blooms, and this answering burst of red coming through the door% 4he way she dragged her feet made it clear how she felt about the weird, old, dead 'oem we were reading% &he wasn+t interested% &he ne)er did the homework% &he tried to bluff her way through class% &he hacked u' the @ui((es and tests% If she+d had a fellow 6harm =racelet with her, they could ha)e formed a faction of uninterested note/'assers% "lone, she could only mo'e% !r% da &il)a ga)e u' trying to teach her anything and called on her as little as 'ossible% I watched her in class and I watched her outside it, too% "s soon as I arri)ed at school I was on the lookout% I sat in one of the lobby+s yellow wing chairs, 'retending to do homework, and waited for her to 'ass% 7er brief a''earances always knocked me out% I was like somebody in a cartoon, with stars )ibrating around the head% &he would

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come around the corner, chewing on a 9lair 'en and shuffling, as if wearing sli''ers% 4here was always a rush to her walk% If she didn+t kee' her feet digging forward her crushed/down shoes would fly off% 4his brought out the muscles in her cal)es% &he was freckled down there, too% It was almost a kind of suntan% &liding, she charged by, talking to some other 6harm =racelet, both of them mo)ing with that la(y, confident hauteur they all had% &ometimes she looked at me but showed no recognition% " nictitating membrane lowered itself o)er her eyes% "llow me an anachronism% *uis =uSuel+s !hat 3$scure 3$:ect of 1esire didn+t come out until 19##% =y that time the redheaded girl and I were no longer in touch% I doubt she e)er saw the mo)ie% He)ertheless, !hat 3$scure 3$:ect of 1esire is what I think about when I think about her% I saw it on tele)ision, in a &'anish bar, when I was stationed in !adrid% I didn+t catch most of the dialogue% 4he 'lot was clear enough, though% "n older gentleman 'layed by 9ernando 0ey is smitten with a young and beautiful girl 'layed by 6arole =ou@uet and "ngela !olina% I didn+t care about any of that% It was the surrealist touch that got me% In many scenes 9ernando 0ey is shown holding a hea)y sack o)er his shoulder% 4he reason for this sack is ne)er mentioned% 82r if it is, I missed that, too%: 7e Bust goes around lugging this sack, into restaurants and through city 'arks% 4hat was e3actly how I felt, following my own 2bscure 2bBect% "s though I were carrying around a mysterious, une3'lained burden or weight% I+m going to call her that, if you don+t mind% I+m going to call her the 2bscure 2bBect% 9or sentimental reasons% 8I also ha)e to 'rotect her identity%: 4here she was in gym class, malingering% 4here she was at lunch, ha)ing a laugh attack% Doubled o)er the table, she tried to hit the Boker res'onsible% 7er mouth bubbled milk% 7er nose leaked a few dro's, which started e)eryone laughing harder% He3t I saw her after school, riding double with an unknown boy% &he climbed u' on the bicycle seat while he stood on the 'edals% &he didn+t 'ut her arms around his waist% &he managed the thing by balance alone% 4his ga)e me ho'e% 2ne day in class !r% da &il)a asked the 2bBect to read aloud% &he was lounging in her desk as usual% "t a girls+ school you didn+t ha)e to be so )igilant about kee'ing your knees together or your skirt tugged down% 4he 2bBect+s knees were s'read a'art and her legs, which were somewhat hea)y in the thigh, were bare high u'% Aithout mo)ing, she said, ,I forgot my book%1 !r% da &il)a com'ressed his li's% ,Jou can look on with 6allie%1 4he only sign of agreement she ga)e was to swee' her hair off her face% &he 'laced a hand to her forehead and ran it back like a 'low though her hair, her fingers lea)ing furrows% "t the end of the stroke came a little flick of the head, a flourish% 4here was her cheek, 'ermitting a''roach% I scooted o)er% I slid my book onto the crack between our desks% 4he 2bBect leaned o)er it% ,9rom whereD1 ,4o' of 'age one hundred and twel)e% 4he descri'tion of the shield of "chilles%1 I+d ne)er been this close to the 2bscure 2bBect before% It was hard on my organism% !y ner)ous system launched into ,9light of the =umblebee%1 4he )iolins were sawing away in my s'ine% 4he tim'ani were banging in my chest% "t the same time, trying to conceal all this, I didn+t mo)e a muscle% I hardly breathed% 4hat was the deal basically: catatonia without; fren(y within% I could smell her cinnamon gum% It was still in the back of her mouth somewhere% I didn+t look directly at her% I ke't my eyes on the book% " strand of her red/gold hair

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fell onto the desk between us% Ahere the sun hit the hair, there was a 'rismatic effect% =ut while I was witnessing the half/inch rainbow she began to read% I e3'ected a nasal monotone, riddled with mis'ronunciations% I e3'ected bum's, swer)es, screeching brakes, head/on collisions% =ut the 2bscure 2bBect had a good reading )oice% It was clear, strong, su''le in its rhythms% It was a )oice she+d 'icked u' at home, from 'oetry/reciting uncles who drank too much% 7er e3'ression changed, too% " concentrated dignity, 're)iously absent, marked her features% 7er head rose on a 'roud neck% 7er chin was lifted% &he sounded twenty/four instead of fourteen% I wonder which was stranger, the ?artha Qitt )oice that came out of my mouth or the Qatharine 7e'burn that came out of hers% Ahen she was finished there was silence% ,4hank you,1 said !r% da &il)a, as sur'rised as the rest of us% ,4hat was )ery nicely done%1 4he bell rang% Immediately the 2bBect leaned away from me% &he ran a hand through her hair again, as though rinsing it in the shower% &he sli''ed out of the desk and left the room% 2n certain days, when the greenhouse was lit Bust so and the 2bscure 2bBect+s blouse unbuttoned two buttons, when the light illuminated the sca'ulars dangling between the cu's of her brassiere, did 6allio'e feel any inkling of her true biological natureD Did she e)er, while the 2bscure 2bBect 'assed in the hall, think that what she was feeling was wrongD Jes and no% *et me remind you where all this was ha''ening% It was 'erfectly acce'table at =aker W Inglis to get a crush on a fellow classmate% "t a girls+ school a certain amount of emotional energy, normally e3'ended on boys, gets redirected into friendshi's% -irls walked arm in arm at =WI, the way 9rench schoolgirls do% 4hey com'eted for affection% Jealousies arose% =etrayals occurred% It was common to come into the bathroom and hear somebody sobbing in one of the stalls% -irls cried because so/and/so wouldn+t sit by them at lunch, or because their best friend had a new boyfriend who mono'oli(ed her time% 2n to' of this, school rituals reinforced an intimate atmos'here% 4here was 0ing Day, where =ig &isters initiated *ittle &isters into maturity by gi)ing them flowers and gold bands% 4here was the Distaff Dance, a may'ole without men, held in the s'ring% 4here were the bimonthly ,7eart/to/7earts,1 confessional meetings run by the school cha'lain, which in)ariably ended in 'aro3ysms of hugging and wee'ing% He)ertheless, the ethos of the school remained militantly heterose3ual% !y classmates might act co(y during the day, but boys were the number one after/school acti)ity% "ny girl sus'ected of being attracted to girls was gossi'ed about, )ictimi(ed, and shunned% I was aware of all this% It scared me% I didn+t know if the way I felt about the 2bscure 2bBect was normal or not% !y friends tended to get en)ious crushes on other girls% 0eetika swooned o)er the way "lwyn =rier 'layed Finlandia on the 'iano% *inda 0amire( was smitten with &ofia 6racchiolo because she was taking three languages at once% Aas that itD Aas the crush I had on the 2bBect a result of her elocutionary talentD I doubted it% It felt 'hysical, my crush% It wasn+t a Budgment but a tumult in my )eins% 9or that reason I ke't @uiet about it% I hid out in the basement bathroom to think the matter through% ?)ery day, whene)er I could, I took the back stairs down to the deserted washroom and shut myself u' for at least half an hour% Is there any'lace as comforting as an old, institutional, 'rewar bathroomD 4he kind of bathroom they used to build in "merica when the country was on the rise% 4he basement bathroom at =aker W Inglis was done u' like a bo3 at the o'era% ?dwardian lighting fi3tures gleamed o)erhead% 4he sinks were dee' white bowls set in blue slate%

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Ahen you bent to wash your face you saw tiny cracks in the 'orcelain, as in a !ing )ase% -old chains held the drain/sto''ers in 'lace% =eneath the ta's, dri''ing had worn the 'orcelain thin in green stri'es% "bo)e each sink hung an o)al mirror% I wanted nothing to do with any of them% 8,4he hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age1 started early for me%: ")oiding my reflection, I headed straight for the toilet stalls% 4here were three, and I chose the middle% *ike the others, it was marble% -ray Hew ?ngland marble, two inches thick, @uarried in the nineteenth century and studded with fossils millions of years old% I closed the door and latched it% I took a &afe/4/-uard from the dis'enser and laid it o)er the toilet seat% -erm/'rotected, I lowered my under'ants, lifted my kilt, and sat% 0ight away I could feel my body rela3ing, my stoo' unkinking itself% I brushed my hair out of my face so that I could see% 4here were little fern/sha'ed fossils, and fossils that looked like scor'ions stinging themsel)es to death% Down beneath my legs the toilet bowl had a rust stain, ancient, too% 4he basement bathroom was the o''osite of our locker room% 4he stalls were se)en feet high and e3tended all the way to the floor% 9ossili(ed marble concealed me e)en better than my hair% In the basement bathroom was a time frame I felt much more comfortable with, not the rat race of the school u'stairs but the slow, e)olutionary 'rogress of the earth, of its 'lant and animal life forming out of the generati)e, 'rime)al mud% 4he faucets dri''ed with the slow, ine3orable mo)ement of time and I was alone down there, and safe% &afe from my confused feelings about the 2bscure 2bBect; and safe, too, from the bits of con)ersation I+d been o)erhearing from my 'arents+ bedroom% Just the night before, !ilton+s e3as'erated )oice had reached my ears: ,Jou still got a headacheD 6hrist, take some as'irin%1 ,I took some already,1 my mother re'lied% ,Hothing hel's%1 4hen my brother+s name, and my father grumbling something I couldn+t make out% 4hen 4essie: ,I+m worried about 6allie, too% &he still hasn+t gotten her 'eriod%1 ,7ell, she+s only thirteen%1 ,&he+s fourteen % "nd look how tall she is% I think something+s wrong%1 &ilence a moment, after which my father asked, ,Ahat does Dr% hil sayD1 ,Dr% hil> 7e doesn+t say anything% I want to take her to someone else%1 4he humming of my 'arents+ )oices from behind my bedroom wall, which throughout my childhood had filled me with a sense of security, had now become a source of an3iety and 'anic% &o I e3changed it for walls of marble, which echoed only with the sound of dri''ing water, of the flushing of my toilet, or of my )oice softly reading !he )liad aloud% "nd when I got tired of 7omer, I started reading the walls% 4hat was another selling 'oint of the basement bathroom% It was co)ered with graffiti% ;'stairs, class 'hotos showed rows and rows of student faces% Down here it was mostly bodies% &ketched in blue ink were little men with gigantic se3ual 'arts% "nd women with enormous breasts% "lso )arious 'ermutations: men with dinky 'enises; and women with 'enises, too% It was an education both in what was and what might be% 2)er the gray marble this new, Bagged etching of bodies doing things, growing 'arts, fitting together, changing sha'e% lus also Bokes, words to the wise, confessions% In one s'ot: ,I lo)e se3%1 In another, , atty 6% is a slut%1 Ahere else would a girl like me, hiding from the world a knowledge she didn+t @uite understand herself<where else would she feel more comfortable than in this subterranean realm where 'eo'le wrote down what they couldn+t say, where they ga)e )oice to their most shameful longings and knowledgeD

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9or that s'ring, while the crocuses bloomed, while the headmistress checked on the daffodil bulbs in the flower beds, 6allio'e, too, felt something budding% "n obscure obBect all her own, which in addition to the need for 'ri)acy was res'onsible for bringing her down to the basement bathroom% " kind of crocus itself, Bust before flowering% " 'ink stem 'ushing u' through dark new moss% =ut a strange kind of flower indeed, because it seemed to go through a number of seasons in a single day% It had its dormant winter when it sle't underground% 9i)e minutes later, it stirred in a 'ri)ate s'ringtime% &itting in class with a book in my la', or riding home in car 'ool, I+d feel a thaw between my legs, the soil growing moist, a rich, 'eaty aroma rising, and then< while I 'retended to memori(e *atin )erbs<the sudden, s@uirming life in the warm earth beneath my skirt% 4o the touch, the crocus sometimes felt soft and sli''ery, like the flesh of a worm% "t other times it was as hard as a root% 7ow did 6allio'e feel about her crocusD 4his is at once the easiest and the hardest thing to e3'lain% 2n the one hand she liked it% If she 'ressed the corner of a te3tbook against it, the sensation was 'leasurable% 4his wasn+t new% It had always felt nice to a''ly 'ressure there% 4he crocus was 'art of her body, after all% 4here was no reason to ask @uestions% =ut there were times when I felt that something was different about the way I was made% "t 6am' onshewaing I+d learned, on certain humid bunkhouse nights, of the bicycle seats and fence 'osts that had seduced my cam'mates at tender ages% *i((ie =arton, roasting a marshmallow on a stick, told us how she had become fond of the 'ost of a leather saddle% !argaret 4hom'son was the first girl in town whose 'arents owned a massaging shower head% I added my own sense data to these clinical histories 8that was the year I fell in lo)e with gym ro'es:, but there remained a )ague, indefinable ga' between the stirrings my friends re'orted and the clutching ecstasy of my own dry s'asms% &ometimes, hanging down from my to' bunk into the beam of someone+s flashlight, I would finish my little self/re)elation with ,Jou knowD1 "nd in the dimness three or four stringy/haired girls would nod, once, and bite the corner of their li's, and shift their eyes away% 4hey didn+t know% I worried at times that my crocus was too elaborate a bloom, not a common 'erennial but a hothouse flower, a hybrid named by its originator like a rose% Iridescent 7ellene% ale 2lym'us% -reek 9ire% =ut no<that wasn+t right% !y crocus wasn+t for show% It was in a state of becoming and might turn out fine if I waited 'atiently% !aybe it ha''ened like this to e)erybody% In the meantime, it was best to kee' e)erything under wra's% Ahich was what I was doing down in the basement% "nother tradition at =aker W Inglis: e)ery year the eighth graders 'ut on a classical -reek 'lay% 2riginally, these 'lays had been 'erformed in the !iddle &chool auditorium% =ut after !r% da &il)a took his tri' to -reece, he got the idea of con)erting the hockey field into a theater% Aith its bleachers set into the slo'e and its natural acoustics, it was a 'erfect mini/?'idaurus% 4he custodial staff brought risers out and set u' a stage on the grass% 4he year of my infatuation with the 2bscure 2bBect, the 'lay !r% da &il)a selected was #ntigone % 4here were no auditions% !r% da &il)a filled the maBor roles with his 'ets from "d)anced ?nglish% ?)eryone else he stuck in the chorus% &o the cast list read like this: Joanne !aria =arbara eracchio as 6reon; 4ina Qubek as ?urydice; !a3ine -rossinger as Ismene% In the role of "ntigone herself<the only real 'ossibility from e)en a 'hysical stand'oint<was the 2bscure 2bBect% 7er midterm grade had been only a 6 minus% &till, !r% da &il)a knew a star when he saw one%

C0.

,Ae ha)e to learn all these linesD1 asked Joanne !aria =arbara eracchio at our first rehearsal% ,In two weeksD1 ,*earn what you can,1 said !r% da &il)a% ,?)eryone+s going to be wearing a robe% Jou can kee' your scri't underneath% !iss 9agles will also be our 'rom'ter% &he+ll be in the orchestra 'it%1 ,Ae+re going to ha)e an orchestraD1 !a3ine -rossinger wanted to know% ,4he orchestra,1 !r% da &il)a said, 'ointing to his recorder, ,is I%1 ,I ho'e it doesn+t rain,1 said the 2bBect% ,Aill it rain the 9riday after ne3tD1 said !r% da &il)a% ,Ahy don+t we ask our 4iresiasD1 "nd then he turned to me% Jou e3'ected someone elseD Ho, if the 2bscure 2bBect was 'erfect to 'lay the a)enging sister, I was a shoo/in to 'lay the old, blind 'ro'het% !y wild hair suggested clair)oyance% !y stoo' made me a''ear brittle with age% !y half/changed )oice had a disembodied, ins'ired @uality% 4iresias had also been a woman, of course% =ut I didn+t know that then% "nd it wasn+t mentioned in the scri't% I didn+t care what 'art I 'layed% "ll that mattered, all I could think about, was that now I would be near the 2bscure 2bBect% Hot near her as I was during class, when it was im'ossible to s'eak% Hot near her as I was in the lunchroom, when she was s'itting milk at another table% =ut near her in rehearsals for a school 'lay, with all the waiting around that im'lied, all the backstage intimacy, all the intense, fraught, giddy, emotional abandon brought on by assuming identities not your own% ,I don+t think we should use scri'ts,1 the 2bscure 2bBect now declared% &he had arri)ed for rehearsal looking 'rofessional, all her lines highlighted in yellow% 7er sweater was tied around her shoulders like a cloak% ,I think we should all memori(e our lines%1 &he looked from face to face% ,2therwise it+ll be too fakey%1 !r% da &il)a was smiling% *earning lines would re@uire effort on the 2bBect+s 'art% " no)el undertaking% ,"ntigone has far and away the most lines,1 he said% ,&o if "ntigone wants to be off book, then I think the rest of you should be off book, too%1 4he other girls groaned% =ut 4iresias, already ha)ing a )ision of the future, turned toward the 2bBect% ,I+ll go o)er your lines with you% If you want%1 4he future% It was already ha''ening% 4he 2bBect was looking at me% 4he nictitating membranes were lifting% ,2kay,1 she said, distantly% Ae agreed to meet the ne3t day, a 4uesday e)ening% 4he 2bscure 2bBect wrote out her address and 4essie dro''ed me at the house% &he was sitting on a green )el)et sofa when I was shown into the library% 7er o3fords were off but she still had her uniform on% 7er long red hair was tied back, the better to do what she was doing, which was to light her cigarette% &itting Indian style, the 2bBect leaned forward, holding the cigarette in her mouth o)er a green ceramic lighter sha'ed like an artichoke% 4he lighter was low on fluid% &he shook it and flicked the button with her thumb until at last a small flame shot out% ,Jour 'arents let you smokeD1 I said% &he looked u', sur'rised, then returned to the work at hand% &he got the cigarette going, inhaled dee'ly, and let it out, slowly, satisfyingly% , !hey smoke,1 she said% ,4hey+d be 'retty big hy'ocrites if they didn+t let me smoke%1 ,=ut they+re adults%1 ,!ummy and Daddy know I+m going to smoke if I want to% If they don+t let me do it, I+ll Bust sneak it%1 =y the looks of it, this dis'ensation had been in effect for some time% 4he 2bBect

C06

was not new to smoking% &he was already a 'rofessional% "s she si(ed me u', her eyes narrowing, the cigarette hung aslant from her mouth% &moke drifted close to her face% It was a strange o''osition: the hard/bitten 'ri)ate/eye e3'ression on the face of a girl wearing a uniform for 'ri)ate school% 9inally she reached u' and took the cigarette out of her mouth% Aithout looking for the ashtray, she flicked her ash% It fell in% ,I doubt a kid like you smokes,1 she said% ,4hat would be a good guess%1 ,Jou interested in startingD1 &he held out her 'ack of 4areytons% ,I don+t want to get cancer%1 &he tossed the 'ack down, shrugging% ,I figure they+ll be able to cure it by the time I get it%1 ,I ho'e so% 9or your sake%1 &he inhaled again, e)en more dee'ly% &he held the smoke in and then turned in cinematic 'rofile and let it out% ,Jou don+t ha)e any bad habits, I bet,1 she said% ,I+)e got tons of bad habits%1 ,*ike whatD1 ,*ike I chew my hair%1 ,I bite my nails,1 she said com'etiti)ely% &he lifted one hand to show me% ,!ummy got me this stuff to 'ut on them% It tastes like shit% It+s su''osed to hel' you @uit%1 ,Does it workD1 ,"t first it did% =ut now I sort of like the taste%1 &he smiled% I smiled% 4hen, briefly, trying it out, we laughed together% ,4hat+s not as bad as chewing your hair,1 I resumed% ,Ahy notD1 ,=ecause when you chew your hair it starts smelling like what you had for lunch%1 &he made a face and said, ,=ogue%1 "t school we would ha)e felt funny talking together, but here no one could see us% In the bigger scheme of things, out in the world, we were more alike than different% Ae were both teenagers% Ae were both from the suburbs% I set down my bag and came o)er to the sofa% 4he 2bBect 'ut her 4areyton in her mouth% lanting her 'alms on either side of her crossed legs, she lifted herself u', like a yogi le)itating, and scooted o)er to make room for me% ,I+)e got a history test tomorrow,1 she said% ,Aho do you ha)e for historyD1 ,!iss &chuyler%1 ,!iss &chuyler has a )ibrator in her desk%1 ," what>1 ," )ibrator% *i( 6lark saw it% It+s in her bottom drawer%1 ,I can+t belie)e it>1 4he 2bBect was shocked, amused% =ut then she s@uinted, thinking% In a confidential )oice she asked, ,Ahat are those for, anywayD1 ,OibratorsD1 ,Jeah%1 &he knew she was su''osed to know% =ut she trusted I wouldn+t make fun of her% 4his was the form of the 'act we made that day: I would handle the dee' intellectual matters, like )ibrators; she would handle the social s'here% ,!ost women can+t ha)e orgasms by regular intercourse,1 I said, @uoting from

C0#

the co'y of 3ur odies, 3ursel,es !eg Gemka had gi)en me% ,4hey need clitoral stimulation%1 =ehind her freckles, a blush rose to the 2bBect+s face% &he was, of course, transfi3ed by such information% I was s'eaking into her left ear% 4he blush s'read across her face from that side, as if my words left a )isible trace% ,I can+t belie)e you know all this stuff%1 ,I+ll tell you who knows about it% !iss &chuyler, that+s who%1 4he laugh, the hoot, shot out of her mouth like a geyser, and then the 2bBect was falling back on the couch% &he screamed, with delight, with re)ulsion% &he kicked her legs, knocking her cigarettes off the table% &he was fourteen again, instead of twenty/four, and against all odds we were becoming friends% ,L;nwe't, unfriended, without marriage song, I am led forth in my horror<+1 ,L<sorrow<+1 ,L<in my sorrow on this Bourney that can be delayed no more% Ho longer K+1 ,LK ha'less one K+1 ,L7a'less one>+ I hate that> LHo longer, ha'less one, may I behold yon day/star+s sacred eye; but for my fate no tear is shed, no K no K+1 ,LHo friend makes moan%+1 ,LHo friend makes moan%+1 Ae were at the 2bBect+s house again, going o)er our lines% Ae were in the sun room, s'rawled on the 6aribbean sofas% arrots flocked behind the 2bBect+s head as she s@uee(ed her eyes shut, reciting% Ae+d been at it for two hours% 4he 2bBect had gone through almost a full 'ack% =eulah, the maid, brought us sandwiches on a tray along with two si3ty/four/ounce bottles of 4ab% 4he sandwiches were white, crustless, but not cucumber or watercress% " salmon/colored s'read caked the s'ongy bread% Ae took fre@uent breaks% 4he 2bBect re@uired constant refreshment% I still wasn+t comfortable in the house% I couldn+t get used to being waited on% I ke't Bum'ing u' to ser)e myself% =eulah was black, too, which didn+t make it any easier% ,I+m really glad we+re in this 'lay together,1 the 2bBect said, munching% ,I would+)e ne)er talked to a kid like you%1 &he 'aused, reali(ing how this sounded% ,I mean, I ne)er knew you were such a cool kid%1 6oolD 6allio'e coolD I had ne)er dreamed of such a thing% =ut I was ready to acce't the 2bBect+s Budgment% ,6an I tell you something, thoughD1 she asked% ,"bout your 'artD1 ,&ure%1 ,Jou know how you+re su''osed to be blind and e)erythingD Aell, where we go in =ermuda there+s this man who runs a hotel% "nd he+s blind% "nd the thing about him is, it+s like his ears are his eyes% *ike if someone comes into the room, he turns one ear that way% 4he way you do it<, &he sto''ed suddenly and sei(ed my hand% ,Jou+re not getting mad at me, are youD1 ,Ho%1 ,Jou+)e got the worst e3'ression on your face, 6allie>1 ,I doD1 &he had my hand% &he wasn+t letting go% ,Jou sure you+re not madD1 ,I+m not mad%1 ,Aell, the way you 'retend to be blind is you Bust, sort of, stumble around a lot% =ut the thing is, this blind man down in =ermuda, he ne)er stumbles% 7e stands u' really straight and he knows where e)erything is% "nd his ears are always focusing in

C05

on stuff%1 I turned my face away% ,&ee, you+re mad>1 ,I+m not%1 ,Jou are %1 ,I+m being blind,1 I said% ,I+m looking at you with my ear%1 ,2h% 4hat+s good% Jeah, like that% 4hat+s really good%1 Aithout letting go of my hand, she leaned closer and I heard, felt, )ery softly, her hot breath in my ear% ,7i, 4iresias,1 she said, giggling% ,It+s me% "ntigone%1 4he day of the 'lay arri)ed 8,o'ening night1 we called it, though there would be no others:% In an im'ro)ised ,dressing room1 behind the stage we lead actors sat on folding chairs% 4he rest of the eighth graders were already onstage, standing in a big semicircle% 4he 'lay was set to begin at se)en o+clock and finish before sunset% It was 6:..% =eyond the flats we could hear the hockey field filling u'% 4he low rumble got steadily louder<)oices, footste's, the creaking of bleachers, and the slamming of car doors u' in the 'arking lot% Ae were each dressed in a floor/length robe, tie/dyed black, gray, and white% 4he 2bscure 2bBect, howe)er, was wearing a white robe% !r% da &il)a+s conce't was minimal: no makeu', no masks% ,7ow many 'eo'le are out thereD1 4ina Qubek asked% !a3ine -rossinger 'eeked out% ,4ons%1 ,Jou must be used to this, !a3ine,1 I said% ,9rom all your recitals%1 ,I don+t get ner)ous when I+m 'laying the )iolin% 4his is way worse%1 ,I am sooo ner)ous,1 the 2bBect said% In her la' she had a Bar of 0olaids, which she was eating like candy% I understood now why she had 'ounded her chest the first day of class% 4he 2bscure 2bBect suffered from a more or less constant case of heartburn% It was worse during times of stress% " few minutes earlier, she had wandered off to smoke her last cigarette before showtime% How she was chewing on the antacid tablets% art of coming from old money, a''arently, was ha)ing old/'erson habits, those gross, adult needs and des'erate 'alliati)es% 4he 2bBect was still too young for the effects to tell on her% &he didn+t ha)e eye bags yet or stained fingernails% =ut the a''etite for so'histicated ruin was already there% &he smelled like smoke, if you got close% 7er stomach was a mess% =ut her face continued to gi)e off its autumnal dis'lay% 4he cat eyes abo)e the snub nose were alert, blinking and resetting their attention to the growing noise beyond the flats% ,4here+s my mom and dad>1 !a3ine -rossinger shouted% &he turned back to us and broke into a big smile% I+d ne)er seen !a3ine smile before% 7er teeth were Bagged and ga''y, like those of a &endak creature% &he had braces, too% 7er unconcealed Boy made me understand her% &he had a whole other life a'art from school% !a3ine was ha''y in her house behind the cy'resses% !eanwhile, curly hair gushed from her fragile, musical head% ,2h, Jesus%1 !a3ine was 'eeking out again% ,4hey+re sitting right in the front row% 4hey+re going to be staring right at me%1 Ae all 'eeked out, each in our turn% 2nly the 2bscure 2bBect remained seated% I saw my 'arents arri)e% !ilton sto''ed at the crest of the slo'e to look down at the hockey field% 7is e3'ression suggested that the s'ectacle before him, the emerald grass, the white wooden bleachers, the school in the distance with its blue slate roof and i)y, 'leased him% In "merica, ?ngland is where you go to wash yourself of ethnicity% !ilton had on a blue bla(er and cream/colored trousers% 7e looked like the ca'tain of a cruise

C09

shi'% Aith one arm on her back, he was gently leading 4essie down the ste's to get a good seat% Ae heard the audience grow @uiet% 4hen a 'an flute was heard<!r% da &il)a 'laying his recorder% I went o)er to the 2bBect and said, ,Don+t worry% Jou+ll be fine%1 &he had been re'eating her lines silently to herself but now sto''ed% ,Jou+re a really good actress,1 I continued% &he turned away and lowered her head, mo)ing her li's again% ,Jou won+t forget your lines% Ae went o)er them a billion times% Jou had them down 'erfect yester<, ,Aill you sto' bugging me for a minuteD1 the 2bBect sna''ed% ,I+m trying to get 'syched u'%1 &he glared at me% 4hen she turned and walked off% I stood watching her, crestfallen, hating myself% 6oolD I was anything but% I+d already made the 2bscure 2bBect sick of me% 9eeling as if I might cry, I grabbed one of the black curtains and wra''ed myself u' in it% I stood in the darkness, wishing I were dead% I hadn+t Bust been flattering her% &he was good% 2nstage, the 2bBect+s fidgetiness stilled itself% 7er 'osture im'ro)ed% "nd of course there was the sheer 'hysical fact of her, the blood/tinged blade that she was, the riot of color that caught e)eryone+s attention% 4he 'an flute sto''ed and the hockey field got silent again% eo'le coughed, getting it out of their systems% I 'eeked out from the curtains and saw the 2bBect waiting to go on% &he was standing Bust inside the middle arch, no more than ten feet from me% I had ne)er seen her so serious before, so concentrated% 4alent is a kind of intelligence% "s she waited to go on, the 2bscure 2bBect was coming into hers% 7er li's mo)ed as if she were s'eaking &o'hocles+ lines to &o'hocles himself, as if, contrary to all intellectual e)idence, she understood the literary reasons for their endurance% &o the 2bBect stood, waiting to go on% 9ar away from her cigarettes and her snobbishness, her cli@uish friends, her atrocious s'elling% 4his was what she was good at: a''earing before 'eo'le% &te''ing out and standing there and s'eaking% &he was Bust beginning to reali(e it then% Ahat I was witnessing was a self disco)ering the self it could be% 2n cue, our "ntigone took a dee' breath and walked onstage% 7er white robe was cinched around her torso with sil)er braid% 4he robe fluttered as she ste''ed out in the warm bree(e% ,Ailt thou aid this hand to lift the deadD1 !a3ine/Ismene re'lied, ,4hou wouldst bury him, when Ltis forbidden to 4hebesD1 ,I will do my 'art, and thou wilt not, to a brother% 9alse to him will I ne)er be found%1 I wasn+t on for a while% 4iresias wasn+t that big a 'art% &o I closed the curtain around me again and waited% I had a staff in my hand% It was my only 'ro', a 'lastic stick 'ainted to look like wood% It was then I heard a small, choking sound% "gain the 2bBect said, ,9alse to him will I ne)er be found%1 9ollowed by silence% I 'eeked out the curtain% 4hrough the central arch I could see them% 4he 2bBect had her back to me% 9arther downstage !a3ine -rossinger stood with a blank look on her face% 7er mouth was o'en, though no words were coming out% =eyond, Bust abo)e the li' of the stage, was !iss 9agles+s florid face, whis'ering !a3ine+s ne3t line% It wasn+t stage fright% "n aneurysm had burst in !a3ine -rossinger+s brain% "t

C10

first, the audience took her @uick stagger and shocked e3'ression to be 'art of the 'lay% 4itters had begun at the way the girl 'laying Ismene was hamming it u'% =ut !a3ine+s mother, knowing e3actly what 'ain looked like on her child+s face, shot u' out of her seat% ,Ho,1 she cried% ,Ho>1 4wenty feet away, ele)ated under a setting sun, !a3ine -rossinger was still mute% " gurgle esca'ed from her throat% Aith the suddenness of a lighting cue her face went blue% ?)en in the back rows 'eo'le could see the o3ygen lea)e her blood% inkness drained away, down her forehead, her cheeks, her neck% *ater, the 2bscure 2bBect would swear that !a3ine had been looking at her with a kind of a''eal, that she had seen the light go out of !a3ine+s eyes% "ccording to the doctors, howe)er, this was 'robably not true% Ara''ed in her dark robe, still on her feet, !a3ine -rossinger was already dead% &he to''led forward seconds later% !rs% -rossinger scrambled u' onstage% &he made no sound now% Ho one did% In silence she reached !a3ine and tore o'en her robe% In silence the mother began to gi)e the daughter mouth/to/mouth% I fro(e% I let the curtains untwist and I ste''ed out and gawked% &uddenly a white blur filled the arch% 4he 2bscure 2bBect was fleeing the stage% 9or a second I had a cra(y idea% I thought !r% da &il)a had been holding out on us% 7e was doing things the traditional way after all% =ecause the 2bscure 2bBect was wearing a mask% 4he mask for tragedy, her eyes like knife slashes, her mouth a boomerang of woe% Aith this hideous face she threw herself on me% ,2h my -od>1 she sobbed% ,2h my -od, 6allie,1 and she was shaking and needing me% Ahich leads me to a terrible confession% It is this% Ahile !rs% -rossinger tried to breathe life back into !a3ine+s body, while the sun set melodramatically o)er a death that wasn+t in the scri't, I felt a wa)e of 'ure ha''iness surge through my body% ?)ery ner)e, e)ery cor'uscle, lit u'% I had the 2bscure 2bBect in my arms%

Tiresias in &ove
Imade a doctor+s a''ointment for you%1 1I Bust went to the doctor%1 1Hot with Dr% hil% Aith Dr% =auer%1 ,Aho+s Dr% =auerD1 ,7e+s K a ladies+ doctor%1 4here was a hot bubbling in my chest% "s if my heart were eating o' 0ocks% =ut I 'layed it cool, looking out at the lake% ,Aho says I+m a ladyD1 ,Oery funny%1 ,I Bust went to the doctor, !om%1 ,4hat was for your 'hysical%1 ,Ahat+s this forD1 ,Ahen girls get to be a certain age, 6allie, they ha)e to go get checked%1 ,AhyD1 ,4o make sure e)erything+s okay%1 ,Ahat do you mean, e)erythingD1 ,Just<e)erything%1 Ae were in the car% 4he second/best 6adillac% Ahen !ilton got a new car he ga)e 4essie his old one% 4he 2bscure 2bBect had in)ited me to s'end the day at her club and my mother was taking me to her house%

C11

It was summer now, two weeks since !a3ine -rossinger had colla'sed onstage% &chool was out% 2n !iddlese3 're'arations were under way for our tri' to 4urkey% Determined not to let 6ha'ter ?le)en+s condemnation of tourism ruin our tra)el 'lans, !ilton was making air'lane reser)ations and haggling with car rental agencies% ?)ery morning he scanned the news'a'er, re'orting the weather conditions in Istanbul% ,?ighty/one degrees and sunny% 7ow does that sound, 6alD1 In res'onse to which I generally twirled an inde3 finger% I wasn+t keen on )isiting the homeland anymore% I didn+t want to waste my summer 'ainting a church% -reece, "sia !inor, !ount 2lym'us, what did they ha)e to do with meD I+d Bust disco)ered a whole new continent only a few miles away% In the summer of 19#$ 4urkey and -reece were about to be in the news again% =ut I didn+t 'ay any mind to the rising tensions% I had troubles of my own% !ore than that, I was in lo)e% &ecretly, shamefully, not entirely consciously, but for all that @uite head/o)er/heels in lo)e% 2ur 'retty lake was trimmed in filth% 4he usual June scum of fish flies% 4here was also a new guardrail, which ga)e me a somber feeling as we dro)e 'ast% !a3ine -rossinger wasn+t the only girl at school who had died that year% 6arol 7enkel, a Bunior, had died in a car accident% 2ne &aturday night her drunken boyfriend, a guy named 0e3 0eese, had 'lunged his 'arents+ car into the lake% 0e3 had sur)i)ed, swimming back to shore% =ut 6arol had been tra''ed inside the car% Ae 'assed =aker W Inglis, closed for )acation and succumbing to the unreality of schools during summertime% Ae turned u' Qerby 0oad% 4he 2bBect li)ed on 4onnacour, in a gray stone and cla'board house with a weather )ane% arked on the gra)el was an un're'ossessing 9ord sedan% I felt self/conscious in the second/best 6adillac and got out @uickly, wishing my mother gone% Ahen I rang the bell, =eulah answered% &he led me to the staircase and 'ointed u'% 4hat was all% I climbed to the second floor% I+d ne)er been u'stairs at the 2bBect+s house before% It was messier than ours, the car'eting not new% 4he ceiling hadn+t been 'ainted in years% =ut the furniture was im'ressi)ely old, hea)y, and sent out signals of 'ermanence and settled Budgment% I tried three rooms before I found the 2bBect+s% 7er shades were drawn% 6lothes were scattered all o)er the shag car'eting and I had to wade through them to reach the bed% =ut there she was, slee'ing, in a *ester *anin 4/shirt% I called her name% I Biggled her% 9inally she sat u' against her 'illows and blinked% ,I must look like shit,1 she said after a moment% I didn+t say whether she did or not% It strengthened my 'osition to kee' her in doubt% Ae had breakfast in the breakfast nook% =eulah ser)ed us without elaboration, bringing and taking 'lates% &he wore an actual maid+s uniform, black, with white a'ron% 7er eyeglasses hailed from her other, more stylish life% In gold scri't her name curled across the left lens% !rs% 2bBect arri)ed, clacking in sensible heels: ,-ood morning, =eulah% I+m off to the )et+s% &heba+s getting a tooth 'ulled% I+ll dro' her back here, but then I+m off to lunch% 4hey say she+ll be woo(y% 2h<and the men are coming for the dra'es today% *et them in and gi)e them the check that+s on the counter% 7ello, girls> I didn+t see you% Jou must be a good influence, 6allie% Hine/thirty and this one+s u' alreadyD1 &he mussed the 2bBect+s hair% ,"re you s'ending the day at the *ittle 6lub, dearD -ood% Jour father and I are going out with the eterses tonight% =eulah will lea)e something

C1C

for you in the fridge% =ye, all>1 "ll this while, =eulah rinsed glasses% Qee'ing to her strategy% -i)ing -rosse ointe the silent treatment% 4he 2bBect s'un the la(y &usan% 9rench Bams, ?nglish marmalades, an unclean butter dish, bottles of ketchu' and *ea W errins circled 'ast, before what the 2bBect wanted: an economy/si(e Bar of 0olaids% &he shook out three tablets% ,Ahat is heartburn, anywayD1 I said% ,Jou+)e ne)er had heartburnD1 asked the 2bBect, ama(ed% 4he *ittle 6lub was only a nickname% 2fficially the club was known as the -rosse ointe 6lub% 4hough the 'ro'erty was on the lake, there were no docks or boats in sight, only a mansion/like clubhouse, two 'addle tennis courts, and a swimming 'ool% It was beside this 'ool that we lay e)ery day that June and July% "s far as swimwear went, the 2bscure 2bBect fa)ored bikinis% &he looked good in them but by no means 'erfect% *ike her thighs, her hi's were on the large side% &he claimed to en)y my thin, long legs, but she was only being nice% 6allio'e a''eared 'oolside, that first day and e)ery day thereafter, in an old/fashioned one/'iece with a skirt% It had belonged to &ourmelina during the 19.0s% I found it in an old trunk% 4he stated intent was to look funky, but I was grateful for the full co)erage% I also hung a beach towel around my neck or wore an alligator shirt o)er my suit% 4he bodice of the bathing suit was a 'lus, too% 4he cu's were rubberi(ed, 'ointy, and beneath a towel or a shirt ga)e me the suggestion of a bust I didn+t ha)e% =eyond us, 'elican/bellied ladies in swim ca's followed kickboards back and forth across the 'ool% 4heir bathing suits were a lot like mine% *ittle kids waded and s'lashed in the shallow end% 4here is a small window of o''ortunity for freckled girls to tan% 4he 2bBect was in it% "s we re)ol)ed on our towels that summer, self/basting, the 2bBect+s freckles darkened, going from butterscotch to brown% 4he skin between them darkened, too, knitting her freckles together into a s'eckled harle@uin mask% 2nly the ti' of her nose remained 'ink% 4he 'art in her hair flamed with sunburn% 6lub sandwiches, on wa)e/rimmed 'lates, sailed out to us% If we were feeling so'histicated, we ordered the 9rench di'% Ae had milk shakes, too, ice cream, french fries% 9or e)erything the 2bBect signed her father+s name% &he talked about etoskey, where her family had a summer house% ,Ae+re going u' in "ugust% !aybe you could come u'%1 ,Ae+re going to 4urkey,1 I said unha''ily% ,2h, right% I forgot%1 "nd then: ,Ahy do you ha)e to 'aint a churchD1 ,!y dad made this 'romise%1 ,7ow comeD1 =ehind us married cou'les were 'laying 'addle tennis% ennants flew from the clubhouse roof% Aas this the 'lace to mention &t% 6hristo'herD !y father+s war storiesD !y grandmother+s su'erstitionsD ,Jou know what I kee' thinkingD1 I said% ,AhatD1 ,I kee' thinking about !a3ine% I can+t belie)e she+s dead%1 ,I know% It doesn+t seem like she+s really dead% It+s like I dreamed it%1 ,4he only way we know it+s true is that we both dreamed it% 4hat+s what reality is% It+s a dream e)eryone has together%1 ,4hat+s dee',1 said the 2bBect% I smacked her%

C1E

,2w>1 ,4hat+s what you get%1 =ugs were attracted by our coconut oil% Ae killed them without mercy% 4he 2bBect was making a slow, scandali(ed 'rogress through !he .onely .ady by 7arold 0obbins% ?)ery few 'ages she shook her head and announced, ,4his book is sooo dirty%1 I was reading 3li,er !wist , one of the assigned )olumes for our summer reading list% &uddenly the sun went in% " dro' of water hit my 'age% =ut this was nothing com'ared to the cascade that was being shaken onto the 2bscure 2bBect% "n older boy was leaning o)er sideways, shaking his wet mo' of hair% ,-oddamn you,1 she said, ,cut it out>1 ,Ahat+s the matterD I+m cooling you off%1 ,Puit it>1 9inally, he did% 7e straightened u'% 7is bathing suit had fallen down o)er his skinny hi'bones% 4his e3'osed an ant trail of hair running down from his na)el% 4he ant trail was red% =ut on his head the hair was Bet black% ,Aho+s the latest )ictim of your hos'italityD1 the boy asked% ,4his is 6allie,1 said the 2bBect% 4hen to me: ,4his is my brother% Jerome%1 4he resemblance was clear% 4he same 'alette had gone into Jerome+s face 8oranges and 'ale blues, 'rimarily: but there was a crudeness to the o)erall sketch, something bulbous about the nose, the eyes on the s@uinty side, 'in'ricks of light% Ahat threw me at first was the dark, sheenless hair, which I soon reali(ed was dyed% ,Jou were the one in the 'lay, rightD1 ,Jes%1 Jerome nodded% Aith slitty eyes glinting he said, ," thes'ian, ehD Just like you% 0ight, sisD1 ,!y brother has a lot of 'roblems,1 the 2bBect said% ,7ey, since you gals are into the thee/a/tah, maybe you want to be in my ne3t film%1 7e looked at me% ,I+m making a )am'ire mo)ie% Jou+d make a great )am'ire%1 ,I wouldD1 ,*et me see your teeth%1 I didn+t oblige, taking my cue from the 2bBect not to be too friendly% ,Jerome is into monster mo)ies,1 she said% ,7orror films,1 he corrected, still directing his words to me% ,Hot monster mo)ies% !y sister, as usual, belittles my chosen medium% Aant to know the titleD1 ,Ho,1 said the 2bBect% ,@ampires in Prep "chool % It+s about this )am'ire, 'layed by moi , who gets sent off to 're' school because his affluent but terribly unha''y 'arents are going through a di)orce% "nyway, he doesn+t get along too well out there at boarding school% 7e doesn+t wear the right clothes% 7e doesn+t ha)e the right haircut% =ut then one day after this kegger he takes a walk across cam'us and gets attacked by a )am'ire% "nd<here+s the kicker<the )am'ire is smoking a 'i'e% 7e+s wearing a 7arris tweed% It+s the fucking headmaster, man> &o the ne3t morning, our hero wakes u' and goes right out and buys a blue bla(er and some 4o'/&iders and<'resto<he+s a total 're'>1 ,Aill you mo)e, you+re blocking my sun%1 ,It+s a meta'hor for the whole boarding school e3'erience,1 Jerome said% ,?ach generation 'uts the bite on the ne3t, turning them into the li)ing dead%1 ,Jerome has been kicked out of two boarding schools%1

C1$

,"nd I shall ha)e my re)enge u'on them>1 Jerome 'roclaimed in a hoary )oice, shaking his fist in the air% 4hen without another word he ran to the 'ool and Bum'ed% "s he did, he s'un around so he was facing us% 4here Jerome hung, skinny, sunken/chested, as white as a saltine, his face scrunched u' and one hand clutching his nuts% 7e held that 'ose all the way down% I was too young to ask myself what was behind our sudden intimacy% In the days and weeks that followed, I didn+t consider the 2bBect+s own moti)ations, her lo)e )acuum% 7er mother had engagements all day long% 7er father left for the office at si3 forty/fi)e% Jerome was a brother and therefore useless% 4he 2bBect didn+t like being alone% &he had ne)er learned to amuse herself% "nd so one e)ening at her house, as I was about to get on my bike and ride home, she suggested that I slee' o)er% ,I don+t ha)e my toothbrush%1 ,Jou can use mine%1 ,4hat+s gross%1 ,I+ll get you a new toothbrush% Ae+)e got a bo3 of them% -od, you+re such a 'riss%1 I was only feigning s@ueamishness% In actuality I wouldn+t ha)e minded sharing the 2bBect+s toothbrush% I wouldn+t ha)e minded $eing the 2bBect+s toothbrush% I was already well ac@uainted with the s'lendors of her mouth% &moking is good for that% Jou get a full dis'lay of the 'uckering and the sucking% 4he tongue often makes an a''earance, licking from the li's any stickiness im'arted by the filter% &ometimes bits of 'a'er adhere to the bottom li' and the smoker, 'ulling them away, re)eals the candied lower teeth against the 'ul'y gums% "nd if the smoker is a blower of smoke rings, you get to see all the way in to the dark )el)et of the inner cheeks% 4hat was how it went with the 2bscure 2bBect% " cigarette in bed was the tombstone marking each day+s end and the reed through which she breathed herself back to life each morning% Jou+)e heard of installation artistsD Aell, the 2bBect was an e>halation artist% &he had a whole re'ertoire% 4here was the &idewinder, where she 'olitely funneled smoke away from the 'erson she was talking to out the corner of her mouth% 4here was the -eyser when she was angry% 4here was the Dragon *ady, featuring a 'lume from each nostril% 4here was the 9rench 0ecycle, where she let smoke out her mouth only to inhale it back through her nose% "nd there was the &wallow% 4he &wallow was reser)ed for crisis situations% 2nce, in the &cience Aing bathroom, the 2bBect had Bust finished taking a long drag when a teacher charged in% !y friend had time to flick her cigarette into the toilet bowl and flush% =ut what about the smokeD Ahere could it goD ,Aho+s been smoking in hereD1 the teacher asked% 4he 2bBect shrugged, kee'ing her mouth closed% 4he teacher leaned toward her, sniffing% "nd the 2bBect swallowed% Ho smoke came out% Hot a wis'% Hot a 'uff% " little moistness in her eyes the only sign of the 6hernobyl in her lungs% I acce'ted the 2bBect+s in)itation to slee' o)er% !rs% 2bBect called 4essie to see if it was all right and, by ele)en o+clock, my friend and I went u' to bed together% &he ga)e me a 4/shirt to wear% It said ,9essenden1 on the front% I 'ut it on and the 2bBect snickered% ,AhatD1 ,4hat+s Jerome+s 4/shirt% Does it reekD1 ,Ahy+d you gi)e me his shirtD1 I said, going stiff, shrinking from the cotton+s touch while still wearing it%

C1.

,!ine are too small% Jou want one of Daddy+sD 4hey smell like cologne%1 ,Jour dad wears cologneD1 ,7e li)ed in aris after the war% 7e+s got all kinds of fruity habits%1 &he was climbing u' onto the big bed now% , lus he sle't with about a million 9rench 'rostitutes%1 ,7e told you thatD1 ,Hot e3actly% =ut whene)er Daddy talks about 9rance he acts all horny% 7e was in the "rmy there% 7e was like in charge of running aris after the war% "nd !ummy gets really 'issed when he talks about it%1 &he imitated her mother now% , L4hat+s enough 9ranco'hilia for one e)ening, dear%+ 1 "s usual, when she did something dramatic, her IP suddenly soared% 4hen she flo''ed onto her stomach% ,7e killed 'eo'le, too%1 ,7e didD1 ,Jeah,1 said the 2bBect, adding by way of e3'lanation, ,Ha(is%1 I climbed into the big bed% "t home I had one 'illow% 7ere there were si3% ,=ack rub,1 the 2bBect called out cheerily% ,I+ll do you if you do me%1 ,Deal%1 I sat astride her, on the saddle of her hi's, and started with her shoulders% 7er hair was in the way, so I mo)ed it% Ae were @uiet for a while, me rubbing, and then I asked, ,7a)e you e)er been to a gynecologistD1 4he 2bBect nodded into her 'illow% ,Ahat+s it likeD1 ,It+s torture% I hate it%1 ,Ahat do they doD1 ,9irst they make you stri' and 'ut this little gown on% It+s made of 'a'er and all this cold air gets in% Jou free(e% 4hen they make you lie on this table, s'read/eagled%1 ,&'read/eagledD1 ,Je'% Jou ha)e to 'ut your legs in these metal things% 4hen the gyno gi)es you a 'el)ic e3am, which kills %1 ,Ahat do you mean, 'el)ic e3amD1 ,I thought you were su''osed to be the se3 e3'ert%1 ,6ome on%1 ," 'el)ic e3am is, you know, inside % 4hey sho)e this little doohickey in you to s'read you all o'en and e)erything%1 ,I can+t belie)e this%1 ,It kills% "nd it+s free(ing% lus you+)e got the gyno making lame Bokes while he+s nosing around in there% =ut the worst is what he does with his hands%1 ,AhatD1 ,=asically he reaches in until he can tickle your tonsils%1 How I was mute% "bsolutely 'araly(ed with shock and fear% ,Aho are you going toD1 the 2bBect asked% ,&omeone named Dr% =auer%1 ,Dr% =auer> 4hat+s 0enee+s dad% 7e+s a total 'er)>1 ,Ahat do you meanD1 ,I went swimming o)er at 0enee+s one time% 4hey ha)e a 'ool% Dr% =auer came out and stood there, watching% 4hen he goes, LJour legs ha)e 'erfect 'ro'ortions% "bsolutely 'erfect 'ro'ortions%+ -od, what a 'er)> Dr% =auer% I 'ity you%1

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&he raised her stomach in order to free her shirt% I massaged her lower back, reaching under the shirt to knead her shoulder blades% 4he 2bBect got @uiet after that% &o did I% I ke't my mind off gynecology by losing myself in the back rub% It wasn+t hard% 7er honey< or a'ricot/colored back ta'ered at the waist in a way mine didn+t% 4here were white s'ots here and there, anti/freckles% Ahere)er I rubbed, her skin flushed% I was aware of the blood underneath, coursing and draining% 7er underarms were rough like a cat+s tongue% =elow them the sides of her breasts swelled out, flattened against the mattress% ,2kay,1 I said, after a long while, ,my turn%1 =ut that night was like all the others% &he was aslee'% It was ne)er my turn with the 2bBect% 4hey come back to me, the scattered days of that summer with the 2bBect, each encased in a sou)enir snow globe% *et me shake them u' again% Aatch the flakes float down: Ae are lying in bed together on a &aturday morning% 4he 2bBect is on her back% I+m fulcrumed on one elbow, leaning o)er to ins'ect her face% ,Jou know what slee' isD1 I say% ,AhatD1 ,&not%1 ,It is not%1 ,It is % It+s mucus% It+s snot that comes out your eyes%1 ,4hat+s so gross>1 ,Jou+)e got a little slee' in your eyes, my dear,1 I say in a fake dee' )oice% Aith my finger I flick the crust from the 2bBect+s eyelashes% ,I can+t belie)e I+m letting you do this,1 she says% ,Jou+re touching my snot%1 Ae look at each other a moment% ,I+m touching your snot>1 I scream% "nd we writhe around, throwing 'illows and screaming some more% 2n another day, the 2bBect is taking a bath% &he has her own bathroom% I+m on the bed, reading a gossi' maga(ine% ,Jou can tell Jane 9onda isn+t really naked in that mo)ie,1 I say% ,7owD1 ,&he+s got a body stocking on% Jou can see it%1 I go into the bathroom to show her% In the claw/footed tub, under a layer of whi''ed cream, the 2bBect lolls, 'umicing one heel% &he looks at the 'hotogra'h and says, ,Jou+re ne)er naked, either%1 I am fro(en, s'eechless% ,Do you ha)e some kind of com'le3D1 ,Ho, I don+t ha)e a com'le3%1 ,Ahat are you afraid of, thenD1 ,I+m not afraid%1 4he 2bBect knows this isn+t true% =ut her intentions aren+t malicious% &he isn+t trying to catch me out, only to 'ut me at ease% !y modesty baffles her% ,I don+t know what you+re so worried about,1 she says% ,Jou+re my best friend%1 I 'retend to be engrossed in the maga(ine% I can+t get myself to look away% Inside, howe)er, I+m bursting with ha''iness% I+m eru'ting with Boy, but I kee' staring at the maga(ine as though I+m mad at it% It+s late% Ae+)e stayed u' watching 4O% 4he 2bBect is brushing her teeth when I

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come into the bathroom% I 'ull down my under'ants and sit on the toilet% I do this sometimes as a com'ensatory tactic% 4he 4/shirt is long enough to co)er my la'% I 'ee while the 2bBect brushes% It+s then I smell smoke% *ooking u', I see, besides a toothbrush in the 2bBect+s mouth, a cigarette% ,Jou e)en smoke while you brush your teethD1 &he looks at me sideways% ,!enthol,1 she says% 4he thing about those sou)enirs, though: the glitter falls fast% " reminder ta'ed to our refrigerator brought me back to reality: ,Dr% =auer, July CC, C %!%1 I was filled with dread% Dread of the 'er)erted gynecologist and his in@uisitorial instruments% Dread of the metal things that would s'read my legs and of the doohickey that would s'read something else% "nd dread of what all this s'reading might re)eal% It was in this state, this emotional fo3hole, that I started going to church again% 2ne &unday in early July my mother and I dressed u' 84essie in heels, me not: and dro)e down to "ssum'tion% 4essie was suffering, too% It had been si3 months since 6ha'ter ?le)en had s'ed away from !iddlese3 on his motorcycle, and since that time he hadn+t been back% Aorse, in "'ril he had broken the news that he was dro''ing out of college% 7e was 'lanning to mo)e to the ;''er eninsula with some friends and, as he 'ut it, li)e off the land% ,Jou don+t think he+d do something cra(y like run off and marry that !eg, do youD1 4essie asked !ilton% ,*et+s ho'e not,1 he answered% 4essie worried that 6ha'ter ?le)en wasn+t taking care of himself, either% 7e wasn+t going to the dentist regularly% 7is )egetarianism made him 'ale% "nd he was losing his hair% "t the age of twenty% 4his made 4essie feel suddenly old% ;nited in an3iety, seeking solace for differing com'laints 84essie wanting to get rid of her 'ains while I wanted mine to begin:, we entered the church% "s far as I could tell, what ha''ened e)ery &unday at "ssum'tion -reek 2rthodo3 6hurch was that the 'riests got together and read the =ible out loud% 4hey started with -enesis and ke't going straight through Humbers and Deuteronomy% 4hen on through salms and ro)erbs, ?cclesiastes, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and ?(ekiel, all the way u' to the Hew 4estament% 4hen they read that% -i)en the length of our ser)ices, I saw no other 'ossibility% 4hey chanted as the church slowly filled u'% 9inally the central chandelier flicked on and 9ather !ike, like a life/si(e 'u''et, s'rang through the icon screen% 4he transformation my uncle went through e)ery &unday always ama(ed me% "t church 9ather !ike a''eared and disa''eared with the ca'riciousness of a di)inity% 2ne minute he was u' on the balcony, singing in his tender, tone/deaf )oice% 4he ne3t minute he was back on ground le)el, swinging his censer% -littering, beBeweled, as o)erdone in his )estments as a 9abergI egg, he 'romenaded around the church, gi)ing us -od+s blessing% &ometimes his censer 'roduced so much smoke it seemed that 9ather !ike had the ability to cloak himself in a mist% Ahen the mist dis'ersed, howe)er, later that afternoon in our li)ing room, he was once again a short, shy man, in black, 'olyester/blend clothes and a 'lastic collar% "unt GoF+s authority went in the o''osite direction% "t church she was meek% 4he round gray hat she wore looked like the head of a screw fastening her to her 'ew% &he was constantly 'inching her sons to kee' them awake% I could barely connect the an3ious 'erson hunched down e)ery week in front of us to the funny woman who, under the ins'iration of wine, launched into comedy routines in our kitchen% ,Jou men

C15

stay out>1 she+d shout, dancing with my mother% ,Ae+)e got kni)es in here%1 &o startling was the contrast between churchgoing GoF and wine/drinking GoF that I always made a 'oint of watching her closely during the liturgy% 2n most &undays, when my mother ta''ed her on the shoulder in greeting, "unt Go res'onded only with a weak smile% 7er large nose looked swollen with grief% 4hen she turned back, crossed herself, and settled in for the duration% "nd so: "ssum'tion 6hurch that July morning% Incense rising with the 'ungency of irrational ho'e% 6loser in 8it had been dri((ling out:, the smell of wet wool% 4he dri''ing of umbrellas stashed under 'ews% 4he ri)ulets from these umbrellas flowing down the une)en floor of our 'oorly built church, 'ooling in s'ots% 4he smell of hairs'ray and 'erfume, of chea' cigars, and the slow ticking of watches% 4he grumbling of more and more stomachs% "nd the yawning% 4he nodding off and the snoring and the being elbowed awake% 2ur liturgy, endless; my own body immune to the laws of time% "nd right in front of me, GoF "ntoniou, on whom time had also been doing a number% 4he life of a 'riest+s wife had been e)en worse than "unt Go had e3'ected% &he had hated her years in the elo'onnese% 4hey had li)ed in a small, unheated stone house% 2utside, the )illage women s'read blankets under oli)e trees, beating the branches until the oli)es fell% ,6an+t they sto' that damn racket>1 GoF had com'lained% In fi)e years, to the incessant sound of trees being clubbed to death, she bore four children% &he sent letters to my mother detailing her hardshi's: no washing machine, no car, no tele)ision, a backyard full of boulders and goats% &he signed her letters, ,&t% GoF, 6hurch martyr%1 9ather !ike had liked -reece better% 7is years there re'resented the best 'eriod of his 'riesthood% In that tiny elo'onnesian )illage the old su'erstitions sur)i)ed% eo'le still belie)ed in the e)il eye% Hobody 'itied him for being a 'riest, whereas later on in "merica his 'arishioners always treated him with a slight but unmistakable condescension, like a cra(y 'erson whose delusions had to be humored% 4he humiliation of being a 'riest in a market economy didn+t 'lague 9ather !ike while he was in -reece% In -reece he could forget about my mother, who had Bilted him, and he could esca'e com'arison with my father, who made so much more money% 7is wife+s nagging com'laints hadn+t begun to make 9ather !ike think about lea)ing the 'riesthood yet, and hadn+t led him to his des'erate actK In 19.6 9ather !ike was rea''ointed stateside to a church in 6le)eland% In 19.5 he became a 'riest at "ssum'tion% GoF was ha''y to be back home, but she ne)er got used to her 'osition as pres,ytera % &he didn+t like being a role model% &he found it difficult to kee' her children looking neat and well dressed% ,2n what moneyD1 she shouted at her husband% ,!aybe if they 'aid you halfway decent the kids would look better%1 !y cousins<"ristotle, &ocrates, 6leo'atra, and lato<had the thwarted, o)erbrushed look of ministers+ children% 4he boys wore chea', garishly colored double/breasted suits% 4hey had "fros% 6leo, who was as beautiful and almond/eyed as her namesake, made do with dresses from !ontgomery Aard% &he rarely s'oke, and 'layed cat+s cradle with lato during the ser)ice% I always liked "unt Go% I liked her big, grandstanding )oice% I liked her sense of humor% &he was louder than most men; she could make my mother laugh like nobody else% 4hat &unday, for instance, during one of the many lulls, "unt Go turned around and dared to Boke% ,I ha,e to be here, 4essie% Ahat+s your e3cuseD1

C19

,6allie and I Bust felt like coming to church,1 my mother answered% lato, who was small like his father, sang out with mock censure, ,&hame on you, 6allie% Ahat did you doD1 7e rubbed his right inde3 finger re'eatedly o)er his left% ,Hothing,1 I said% ,7ey, &oc,1 lato whis'ered to his brother% ,Is cousin 6allie blushingD1 ,&he must ha)e done something she doesn+t want to tell us%1 ,&hush u' now, you,1 said "unt Go% 9or 9ather !ike was a''roaching with the censer% !y cousins turned around% !y mother bowed her head to 'ray% I did, too% 4essie 'rayed for 6ha'ter ?le)en to come to his senses% "nd meD 4hat+s easy% I 'rayed for my 'eriod to come% I 'rayed to recei)e the womanly stigmata% &ummer s'ed on% !ilton brought our suitcases u' from the basement and told my mother and me to start 'acking% I tanned with the 2bBect at the *ittle 6lub% Dr% =auer haunted my mind, Budging the 'ro'ortions of my legs% 4he a''ointment was a week away, then half a week, then two daysK "nd so we come to the 'receding &aturday night, July C0, 19#$% " night full of de'artures and secret 'lans% In the early hours of &unday morning 8which was still &aturday night back in !ichigan:, 4urkish Bets took off from bases on the mainland% 4hey headed southeast o)er the !editerranean &ea toward the island of 6y'rus% In the ancient myths, gods fa)oring mortals often hid them away% "'hrodite blotted out aris once, sa)ing him from certain death at the hands of !enelaus% &he wra''ed "eneas in a coat to sneak him off the battlefield% *ikewise, as the 4urkish Bets roared o)er the sea, they were also hidden% 4hat night, 6y'riot military 'ersonnel re'orted a mysterious malfunctioning of their radar screens% 4he screens filled with thousands of white bli's: an electromagnetic cloud% In)isible inside this, the 4urkish Bets reached the island and began dro''ing their bombs% !eanwhile, back in -rosse ointe, 9red and hyllis !ooney were also lea)ing home base, heading to 6hicago% 2n the front 'orch, wa)ing goodbye, stood their children, Aoody and Jane, who had secret 'lans of their own% 9lying toward the !ooneys+ house at that moment were the sil)er bombers of beer kegs and the tight formations of si3/'acks% 6ars full of teenagers were on their way% "nd so were the 2bBect and I% owdered and glossed, our hair hot/combed into wings, we had set off for the 'arty oursel)es% In thin corduroy skirts and clogs we came u' the front lawn% =ut the 2bBect sto''ed me on the 'orch before we went in% &he was biting her li'% ,Jou+re my best friend, rightD1 ,0ight%1 ,2kay% &ometimes I think I ha)e bad breath%1 &he sto''ed% ,4he thing is, you can ne)er tell if you ha,e bad breath or not% &o the thing is1<she 'aused<,I want you to check it for me%1 I didn+t know what to say and so said nothing% ,Is that too disgustingD1 ,Ho,1 I said, finally% ,2kay, here goes%1 &he leaned toward me and huffed a single breath into my face% ,It+s okay,1 I said% ,-ood% How you%1 I leaned down and e3haled in her face% ,It+s fine,1 she said, decisi)ely% ,2kay% How we can go to the 'arty%1 I+d ne)er been to a 'arty before% I felt for the 'arents% "s we s@uee(ed by the throngs in the throbbing house, I cringed at the destruction under way% 6igarette ashes

CC0

were dro''ing on ierre Deu3 u'holstery% =eer cans were s'illing onto heirloom car'ets% In the den I saw two laughing boys urinating into a tennis tro'hy% It was mostly older kids% " few cou'les climbed the stairs, disa''earing into bedrooms% 4he 2bBect was trying to act older herself% &he was co'ying the su'erior, bored e3'ressions of the high school girls% &he crossed to the back 'orch ahead of me and got in the line for the keg% ,Ahat are you doingD1 I asked% ,I+m getting a beer% Ahat do you thinkD1 It was fairly dark outside% "s in most social situations, I let my hair fall into my face% I was standing behind the 2bBect, looking like 6ousin It, when someone 'ut his hands o)er my eyes% ,-uess whoD1 ,Jerome%1 I 'ulled his hands off my face and turned around% ,7ow did you know it was meD1 ,4he curious smell%1 ,2uch,1 said a )oice behind Jerome% I looked o)er and recei)ed a shock% &tanding with Jerome was 0e3 0eese, the guy who had dri)en 6arol 7enkel to her watery death% 0e3 0eese, our local 4eddy Qennedy% 7e didn+t look 'articularly sober now, either% 7is dark hair co)ered his ears and he wore a 'iece of blue coral on a leather thong around his throat% I searched his face for signs of remorse or re'entance% 0e3 wasn+t searching my face, howe)er% 7e was eyeing the 2bBect, his hair falling into his eyes abo)e the curl of a smile% Deftly, the two boys mo)ed in between us, turning their backs to each other% I had a final glim'se of the 2bscure 2bBect% &he had her hands in the back 'ockets of her corduroy skirt% 4his looked casual but had the effect of 'ushing out her chest% &he was looking u' at 0e3 and smiling% ,I start filming tomorrow,1 Jerome said% I looked blank% ,!y mo)ie% !y )am'ire mo)ie% Jou sure you don+t want to be in itD1 ,Ae+re going on )acation this week%1 ,4hat sucks,1 said Jerome% ,It+s going to be genius%1 Ae stood silent% "fter a moment I said, ,0eal geniuses ne)er think they+re geniuses%1 ,Aho saysD1 ,!e%1 ,=ecause whyD1 ,=ecause genius is nine/tenths 'ers'iration% 7a)en+t you e)er heard thatD "s soon as you think you+re a genius, you slack off% Jou think e)erything you do is so great and e)erything%1 ,I Bust want to make scary mo)ies,1 Jerome re'lied% ,Aith occasional nudity%1 ,Just don+t try to be a genius and maybe you+ll end u' being one by accident,1 I said% 7e was looking at me in a funny way, intense, but also grinning% ,AhatD1 ,Hothing%1 ,Ahy are you looking at me like thatD1 ,*ooking at you like whatD1

CC1

In the dark, Jerome+s resemblance to the 2bscure 2bBect was e)en more 'ronounced% 4he tawny eyebrows, the butterscotch com'le3ion<here they were again, in 'ermissible form% ,Jou+re a lot smarter than most of my sister+s friends%1 ,Jou+re a lot smarter than most of my friends+ brothers%1 7e leaned toward me% 7e was taller than I was% 4hat was the big difference between him and his sister% It was enough to wake me from my trance% I turned away% I circled around him back to the 2bBect% &he was still staring u' bright/faced at 0e3% ,6ome on,1 I said% ,Ae+)e got to go to that thing%1 ,Ahat thingD1 ,Jou know% 4hat thing%1 9inally I managed to 'ull her away% &he left trailing smiles and significant looks% "s soon as we got off the 'orch she was frowning at me% ,Ahere are you taking meD1 she said angrily% ,"way from that cree'%1 ,6an+t you lea)e me alone for a minuteD1 ,Jou want me to lea)e you aloneD1 I said% ,2kay, I+ll lea)e you alone%1 I didn+t mo)e% ,6an+t I e)en talk to a boy at a 'artyD1 the 2bBect asked% ,I was taking you away before it was too late%1 ,Ahat do you meanD1 ,Jou+)e got bad breath%1 4his checked the 2bBect% 4his struck her to her core% &he wilted% ,I doD1 she asked% ,It+s Bust a little oniony,1 I said% Ae were on the back lawn now% Qids were sitting on the stone 'orch rail, their cigarette ti's glowing in the darkness% ,Ahat do you think of 0e3D1 the 2bBect whis'ered% ,AhatD Don+t tell me you like him%1 ,I didn+t say I like him%1 I sco'ed her face, seeking the answer% &he noticed this and walked farther away o)er the lawn% I followed% I said earlier that most of my emotions are hybrids% =ut not all% &ome are 'ure and unadulterated% Jealousy, for instance% ,0e3 is okay,1 I said when I had caught u' to her% ,If you like manslaughterers%1 ,4hat was an accident,1 said the 2bBect% 4he moon was three/@uarters full% It sil)ered the fat lea)es of the trees% 4he grass was wet% Ae both kicked off our clogs to stand in it% "fter a moment, sighing, the 2bBect laid her head on my shoulder% ,It+s good you+re going away,1 she said% ,AhyD1 ,=ecause this is too weird%1 I looked back to see if anyone could see us% Ho one could% &o I 'ut my arm around her% 9or the ne3t few minutes we stood under the moon/blanched trees, listening to the music blaring from the house% 4he co's would come soon% 4he co's always came% 4hat was something you could de'end on in -rosse ointe% 4he ne3t morning, I went to church with 4essie% "s usual, "unt Go was down in front, setting an e3am'le% "ristotle, &ocrates, and lato were wearing their gangster suits% 6leo was sunk into her black mane, about to do(e off%

CCC

4he rear and sides of the church were dark% Icons gloomed from the 'orticoes or raised stiff fingers in the glinting cha'els% =eneath the dome, light fell in a chalky beam% 4he air was already thick with incense% !o)ing back and forth, the 'riests looked like men at a hammam% 4hen it was showtime% 2ne 'riest flicked a switch% 4he bottom tier of the enormous chandelier bla(ed on% 9rom behind the iconostasis 9ather !ike entered% 7e was wearing a bright tur@uoise robe with a red heart embroidered on his back% 7e crossed the solea and came down among the 'arishioners% 4he smoke from his censer rose and curled, fragrant with anti@uity% , &yrie eleison ,1 9ather !ike sang% , &yrie eleison %1 "nd though the words meant nothing to me, or almost nothing, I felt their weight, the dee' groo)e they made in the air of time% 4essie crossed herself, thinking about 6ha'ter ?le)en% 9irst 9ather !ike did the left side of the church% In blue wa)es, incense rolled o)er the gathered heads% It dimmed the circular lights of the chandelier% It aggra)ated the widows+ lung conditions% It subdued the brightness of my cousins+ suits% "s it wra''ed me in its dry/ice blanket, I breathed it in and began to 'ray myself% Please God let 1r. auer not find anything wrong with me. #nd let me $e :ust friends with the 3$:ect. #nd don+t let her forget a$out me while we+re in !urkey. #nd help my mother not to $e so worried a$out my $rother. #nd make -hapter Ele,en go $ack to college. Incense ser)es a )ariety of 'ur'oses in the 2rthodo3 church% &ymbolically, it+s an offering to -od% *ike the burnt sacrifices in 'agan times, the fragrance drifts u'ward to hea)en% =efore the days of modern embalming, incense had a 'ractical a''lication% It co)ered the smell of cor'ses during funerals% It can also, when inhaled in sufficient amounts, create a lightheadedness that feels like religious re)erie% "nd if you breathe in enough of it, it can make you sick% ,Ahat+s the matterD1 4essie+s )oice in my ear% ,Jou look 'ale%1 I sto''ed 'raying and o'ened my eyes% ,I doD1 ,Do you feel okayD1 I began to answer in the affirmati)e% =ut then I sto''ed myself% ,Jou look really 'ale, 6allie,1 4essie said again% &he touched her hand to my forehead% &ickness, re)erie, de)otion, deceit<they all came together% If -od doesn+t hel' you, you ha)e to hel' yourself% ,It+s my stomach,1 I said% ,Ahat ha)e you been eatingD1 ,2r not e3actly my stomach% It+s lower down%1 ,Do you feel faintD1 9ather !ike 'assed by again% 7e swung the censer so high it nearly touched the ti' of my nose% "nd I widened my nostrils and breathed in as much smoke as 'ossible to make myself e)en 'aler than I already was% ,It+s like somebody+s twisting something inside me,1 I ha(arded% Ahich must ha)e been more or less right% =ecause 4essie was now smiling% ,2h, honey,1 she said% ,2h, thank -od%1 ,Jou+re ha''y I+m sickD 4hanks a lot%1 ,Jou+re not sick, honey%1 ,4hen what am ID I don+t feel good% It hurts %1 !y mother took my hand, still beaming% ,7urry, hurry,1 she said% ,Ae don+t want

CCE

an accident%1 =y the time I closed myself into a church bathroom stall, news of the 4urkish in)asion of 6y'rus had reached the ;nited &tates% Ahen 4essie and I arri)ed back home, the li)ing room was filled with shouting men% ,2ur battleshi's are sitting off the coast to intimidate the -reeks,1 Jimmy 9ioretos was yelling% ,&ure they+re sitting off the coast,1 !ilton now, ,what do you e3'ectD 4he Junta comes in and throws !akarios out% &o the 4urks are getting an3ious% It+s a )olatile situation%1 ,Jeah, but to hel' the 4urks<, ,4he ;%&% isn+t hel'ing the 4urks,1 !ilton went on% ,4hey Bust don+t want the Junta to get out of hand%1 In 19CC, while &myrna burned, "merican warshi's sat idly by% 9ifty/two years later, off the coast of 6y'rus, they also did nothing% "t least ostensibly% ,Don+t be so nac)e, !ilt,1 Jimmy 9ioretos again% ,Aho do you think+s Bamming the radarD It+s the "mericans, !ilt% It+s us%1 ,7ow do you knowD1 my father challenged% "nd now -us anos through the hole in his throat: ,It+s that goddamned<sssss< Qissinger% 7e must ha)e<ssssss<made a deal with the 4urks%1 ,2f course he did%1 eter 4atakis nodded, si''ing his e'si% ,How that the Oietnam crisis is o)er, 7err Doktor Qissinger can get back to 'laying =ismarck% 7e would like to see H"42 bases in 4urkeyD 4his is his way to get them%1 Aere these accusations trueD I can+t say for sure% "ll I know is this: on that morning, somebody Bammed the 6y'riot radar, guaranteeing the success of the 4urkish in)asion% Did the 4urks 'ossess such technologyD Ho% Did the ;%&% warshi'sD Jes% =ut this isn+t something you can 'ro)eK lus, it didn+t matter to me, anyway% 4he men cursed, and shook their fingers at the tele)ision and 'ounded the radio, until "unt Go un'lugged them% ;nfortunately, she couldn+t un'lug the men% "ll through dinner the men shouted at each other% Qni)es and forks wa)ed in the air% 4he argument o)er 6y'rus lasted for weeks and would finally 'ut an end to those &unday dinners once and for all% =ut as for myself, the in)asion had only one meaning% "s soon as I could, I e3cused myself and ran off to call the 2bBect% ,-uess whatD1 I cried out with e3citement% ,Ae+re not going on )acation% 4here+s a war>1 4hen I told her I had cram's and that I+d be right o)er%

*lesh and Blood

I+m @uickly a''roaching the moment of disco)ery: of myself by myself, which was something I knew all along and yet didn+t know; and the disco)ery by 'oor, half/blind Dr% hilobosian of what he+d failed to notice at my birth and continued to miss during e)ery annual 'hysical thereafter; and the disco)ery by my 'arents of what kind of child they+d gi)en birth to 8answer: the same child, only different:; and finally, the disco)ery of the mutated gene that had lain buried in our bloodline for two hundred and fifty years, biding its time, waiting for "tatMrk to attack, for 7aBienestis to turn into glass, for a clarinet to 'lay seducti)ely out a back window, until, coming together with its recessi)e twin, it started the chain of e)ents that led u' to me, here, writing in

CC$

=erlin% 4hat summer<while the resident+s lies were also getting more elaborate<I started faking my 'eriod% Aith Hi3onian cunning, 6allio'e unwra''ed and flushed away a flotilla of unused 4am'a3% I feigned sym'toms from headache to fatigue% I did cram's the way !eryl &tree' did accents% 4here was the twinge, the dull ache, the sucker 'unch that made me curl u' on my bed% !y cycle, though imaginary, was rigorously charted on my desk calendar% I used the catacomb fish symbol to mark the days% I scheduled my 'eriods right through December, by which time I was certain my real menarche would ha)e finally arri)ed% !y dece'tion worked% It calmed my mother+s an3ieties and somehow e)en my own% I felt I+d taken charge of things% I wasn+t at the mercy of nature anymore% ?)en better, with our tri' to =ursa canceled<as well as my a''ointment with Dr% =auer<I was free to acce't the 2bBect+s in)itation to )isit her family+s summer house% In 're'aration I bought a sun hat, sandals, and a 'air of rustic o)eralls% I wasn+t 'articularly tuned in to the 'olitical e)ents unfolding in the nation that summer% =ut it was im'ossible to miss what was going on% !y father+s identification with Hi3on only grew stronger as the resident+s troubles mounted% In the long/haired war 'rotesters !ilton saw his own shaggy, condemnatory son% How, in the Aatergate scandal, my father recogni(ed his own dubious beha)ior during the riots% 7e thought the break/in was a mistake, but also belie)ed that it was no big deal% ,Jou don+t think the Democrats aren+t doing the same thingD1 !ilton asked the &unday debaters% ,4he liberals Bust want to stick it to him% &o they+re 'laying 'ious%1 Aatching the e)ening news, !ilton deli)ered a running commentary to the screen% ,2h yeahD1 he+d say% ,=ullshit%1 2r: ,4his guy ro3mire+s a total (ero%1 2r: ,Ahat these 'ointy/headed intellectuals should be worrying about is foreign 'olicy% Ahat to do about the goddamn 0ussians and the 0ed 6hinese% Hot 'issing and moaning about a robbery at a lousy cam'aign office%1 7unkered down behind his 4O tray, !ilton scowled at the left/wing 'ress, and his growing resemblance to the resident couldn+t be ignored% 2n weeknights he argued with the tele)ision, but on &undays he faced a li)e audience% ;ncle ete, who was usually as dormant as a snake while digesting, was now animated and Bo)ial% ,?)en from a chiro'ractic stand'oint, Hi3on is a @uestionable character% 7e has the skeleton of a chim'an(ee%1 9ather !ike Boined the needling% ,&o what do you think about your friend 4ricky Dicky now, !iltD1 ,I think it+s a lot of hoo/ha%1 4hings got worse when the con)ersation turned to 6y'rus% In domestic affairs !ilton had Jimmy 9ioretos on his side% =ut when it came to the 6y'rus situation they 'arted com'any% " month after the in)asion, Bust as the ;H was about to conclude a 'eace negotiation, the 4urkish "rmy had launched another attack% 4his time the 4urks claimed a large 'ortion of the island% How barbed wire was going u'% -uard towers were being erected% 6y'rus was being cut in half like =erlin, like Qorea, like all the other 'laces in the world that were no longer one thing or the other% ,How they+re showing their true stri'es,1 Jimmy 9ioretos said% ,4he 4urks wanted to in)ade all along% 4hat malarkey about L'rotecting the 6onstitution+ was Bust a 'rete3t%1 ,4hey hit us K sssss K while our backs were turned,1 croaked -us anos% !ilton snorted% ,Ahat do you mean Lus+D Ahere were you born, -us, 6y'rusD1 ,Jou know K sssss K what I mean%1

CC.

,"merica betrayed the -reeks>1 Jimmy 9ioretos Babbed a finger in the air% ,It+s that two/faced son of a bitch Qissinger% &hakes your hand while he 'isses in your 'ocket>1 !ilton shook his head% 7e lowered his chin aggressi)ely and made a little sound, a bark of disa''ro)al, dee' in his throat% ,Ae ha)e to do whate)er+s in our national interest%1 "nd then !ilton lifted his chin and said it: ,4o hell with the -reeks%1 In 19#$, instead of reclaiming his roots by )isiting =ursa, my father renounced them% 9orced to choose between his nati)e land and his ancestral one, he didn+t hesitate% !eanwhile, we could hear it all the way from the kitchen: shouting; and a coffee cu' breaking; swear words in both ?nglish and -reek; feet stom'ing out of the house% ,-et your coat, hyllis, we+re lea)ing,1 Jimmy 9ioretos said% ,It+s summer,1 said hyllis% ,I don+t ha)e a coat%1 ,4hen get whate)er the hell it is you ha)e to get%1 ,Ae+re going, too K sssss K I+)e lost my K sssss K a''etite%1 ?)en ;ncle ete, the self/educated o'era buff, drew the line% ,!aybe -us didn+t grow u' in -reece,1 he said, ,but I+m sure you remember that I did% Jou are talking about my nati)e land, !ilton% "nd your 'arents+ own true home%1 4he guests left% 4hey didn+t come back% Jimmy and hyllis 9ioretos% -us and 7elen anos% eter 4atakis% 4he =uicks 'ulled away from !iddlese3, lea)ing behind a negati)e s'ace in our li)ing room% "fter that, there were no more &unday dinners% Ho more large/nosed men blowing their noses like muted trum'ets% Ho more cheek/'inching women who resembled !elina !ercouri in her later years% !ost of all, no more li)ing room debates% Ho more arguing and citing e3am'les and @uoting the famous dead and castigating the infamous li)ing% Ho more running the go)ernment from our lo)e seats% Ho more re)am'ing of the ta3 code or 'hiloso'hical fights about the role of go)ernment, the welfare state, the &wedish health system 8designed by a Dr% 9ioretos, no relation:% 4he end of an era% He)er again% He)er on &unday% 4he only 'eo'le who stayed were "unt Go, 9ather !ike, and our cousins, because they were related to us% 4essie was angry with !ilton for causing a fight% &he told him so, he e3'loded at her, and she ga)e him the silent treatment for the rest of the day% 9ather !ike took ad)antage of this to lead 4essie u' to the sun deck% !ilton got in his car and dro)e off% I was with "unt Go when we later brought refreshments u' to the deck% I had Bust ste''ed out onto the gra)el between the thick redwood railings when I saw 4essie and 9ather !ike sitting on the black iron 'atio furniture% 9ather !ike was holding my mother+s hand, leaning his bearded face close to her and looking into her eyes as he s'oke softly% !y mother had been crying, a''arently% &he had a tissue balled in one hand% ,6allie+s got iced tea,1 "unt Go announced as she came out, ,and I+)e got the boo(e%1 =ut then she saw how 9ather !ike was looking at my mother and she went silent% !y mother stood u', blushing% ,I+ll take the boo(e, Go%1 ?)eryone laughed ner)ously% "unt Go 'oured the glasses% ,Don+t look, !ike,1 she said% ,4he pres,ytera +s getting drunk on &unday%1 4he following 9riday I dro)e u' with the 2bBect+s father to their summer house near etoskey% It was a grand Oictorian, co)ered with gingerbread, and 'ainted the color of 'istachio saltwater taffy% I was da((led by the sight of the house as we dro)e u'% It sat on a rise abo)e *ittle 4ra)erse =ay, guarded by tall 'ines, all its windows bla(ing%

CC6

I was good with 'arents% arents were my s'ecialty% In the car on the way u' I had carried on a li)ely and wide/ranging con)ersation with the 2bBect+s father% It was from him that she had gotten her coloring% !r% 2bBect had the 6eltic tints% 7e was in his late fifties, howe)er, and his reddish hair had been bleached almost colorless now, like a dandelion gone to seed% 7is freckled skin looked blown out, too% 7e wore a khaki 'o'lin suit and bow tie% "fter he 'icked me u', we sto''ed at a 'arty store near the highway, where !r% 2bBect bought a si3/'ack of &mirnoff cocktails% ,!artinis in a can, 6allie% Ae li)e in an age of wonders%1 9i)e hours later, not at all sober, he turned u' the un'a)ed road that led to the summer house% It was ten o+clock by this time% In moonlight we carried our bags u' to the back 'orch% !ushrooms dotted the 'ine/needled 'ath between the thin gray 'ines% He3t to the house an artesian well chimed among mossy rocks% Ahen we came in the kitchen door, we found Jerome% 7e was sitting at the table, reading the /eekly /orld 8ews % 4he 'allor of his face suggested that he had been there 'retty much all month% 7is lusterless black hair looked 'articularly inert% 7e had on a 9rankenstein 4/shirt, seersucker shorts, white can)as 4o'/&iders without socks% ,I 'resent to you !iss &te'hanides,1 !r% 2bBect said% ,Aelcome to the hinterland%1 Jerome stood u' and shook his father+s hand% 4hey attem'ted a hug% ,Ahere+s your motherD1 ,&he+s u'stairs getting dressed for the 'arty you+re incredibly late for% 7er mood reflects that%1 ,Ahy don+t you take 6allie u' to her roomD &how her around%1 ,6heck,1 said Jerome% Ae went u' the back stairs off the kitchen% ,4he guest room+s being 'ainted,1 Jerome told me% ,&o you+re staying in my sister+s room%1 ,Ahere is sheD1 ,&he+s out on the back 'orch with 0e3%1 !y blood sto''ed% ,0e3 Aeese D1 ,7is Lrents ha)e a 'lace u' here, too%1 Jerome then showed me the essentials, guest towels, bathroom location, how to work the lights% =ut his manners were lost on me% I was wondering why the 2bBect hadn+t mentioned anything about 0e3 on the 'hone% &he had been u' here three weeks and said nothing% Ae came back into her bedroom% 7er rum'led clothes lay on the unmade bed% 4here was a dirty ashtray on one 'illow% ,!y little sister is a creature of slo)enly habits,1 Jerome said, looking around% ,"re you neatD1 I nodded% ,!e too% 2nly way to be% 7ey%1 7e came around to face me now% ,Ahat ha''ened to your tri' to 4urkeyD1 ,It got canceled%1 ,?3cellent% How you can be in my film% I+m shooting it u' here% "re you u' for thatD1 ,I thought it took 'lace in a boarding school%1 ,I decided to make it a boarding school in the boonies%1 Jerome was standing somewhat close to me% 7is hands flo''ed around in his 'ockets as he s@uinted at me and rocked on his heels%

CC#

,&hould we go downstairsD1 I finally asked% ,AhatD 2h, right% Jeah% *et+s go%1 Jerome turned and bolted% I followed him back down and through the kitchen% "s we were crossing the li)ing room I heard )oices out on the 'orch% ,&o &elfridge, that lightweight, pukes ,1 0e3 0eese was saying% ,Doesn+t e)en make it to the bathroom% ukes right on the bar%1 ,I can+t belie)e it> &elfridge>1 It was the 2bBect now, crying out with amusement% ,7e blew chunks% 0ight into his stinger% I couldn+t belie)e it% It was like the Hiagara 9alls of 'uke% &elfridge woofs on the bar and e)erybody Bum's off their stools, rightD &elfridge is facedown in his own 'uke% 9or a minute there+s total silence% 4hen this one girl starts gagging K and it+s like a chain reaction% 4he whole 'lace starts gagging, 'uke+s dri''ing e)erywhere, and the bartender is<pissed % 7e+s huge, too% 7e+s fucking huge % 7e comes o)er and looks down at &elfridge% I+m going like I don+t know this guy% He)er saw him before% "nd then guess whatD1 ,AhatD1 ,4he bartender reaches out and grabs hold of &elfridge% 7e+s got him by the collar and the belt, rightD "nd he lifts &elfridge like a foot u' in the air<and Gambonis the bar with him>1 ,Ho way>1 ,I+m not kidding% Gambonied the 9ridge right in his own barf>1 "t that 'oint we ste''ed out onto the 'orch% 4he 2bBect and 0e3 0eese were sitting together on a white wicker couch% It was dark out, coolish, but the 2bBect was still in her swimsuit, a shamrock bikini% &he had a beach towel wra''ed around her legs% ,7i,1 I called out% 4he 2bBect turned% &he looked at me blankly% ,7ey,1 she said% ,&he+s here,1 said Jerome% ,&afe and sound% Dad didn+t run off the road%1 ,Daddy+s not that bad a dri)er,1 said the 2bBect% ,Ahen he+s not drinking he+s not% =ut tonight I+d wager he had the old martini thermos on the front seat%1 ,Jour old man likes to 'arty>1 0e3 called out hoarsely% ,Did my dad ha)e occasion to @uench his thirst on the dri)e u'D1 Jerome asked% ,!ore than one occasion,1 I said% How Jerome laughed, going loose in the body and sla''ing his hands together% !eanwhile 0e3 was saying to the 2bBect, ,2kay% &he+s here% &o let+s 'arty%1 ,Ahere should we goD1 the 2bBect said% ,7ey, Jeroman, didn+t you say there was some old hunting lodge out in the woodsD1 ,Jeah% It+s about half a mile in%1 ,4hink you could find it in the darkD1 ,Aith a flashlight maybe%1 ,*et+s go%1 0e3 stood u'% ,*et+s take some beers and hike on in there%1 4he 2bBect got u', too% ,*et me 'ut on some 'ants%1 &he crossed the 'orch in her swimsuit% 0e3 watched% ,6ome on, 6allie,1 she said% ,Jou+re staying in my room%1 I followed the 2bBect inside% &he went @uickly, almost running, and didn+t look back at me% "s she climbed the stairs ahead of me, I whacked her from behind% ,I hate you,1 I said% ,AhatD1

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,Jou+re so tan>1 &he flashed a smile o)er her shoulder% "s the 2bBect dressed, I snoo'ed around the bedroom% 4he furniture was white wicker u' here, too% 4here were amateur sailing 'rints on the walls and on the shel)es etoskey stones, 'inecones, musty 'a'erbacks% ,Ahat are we going to do in the woodsD1 I said, with a note of com'laint% 4he 2bBect didn+t answer% ,Ahat are we going to do in the woodsD1 I re'eated% ,Ae+re going for a walk,1 she said% ,Jou Bust want 0e3 to molest you%1 ,Jou ha)e such a dirty mind, 6allie%1 ,Don+t deny it%1 &he turned around and smiled% ,I know who wants to molest you ,1 she said% 9or a second, an irre'ressible ha''iness flooded me% ,Jerome,1 she finished% ,I don+t want to go out in the woods,1 I said% ,4here+s bugs and stuff%1 ,Don+t be a such a wuss,1 she said% I had ne)er heard her say ,wuss1 before% It was a word boys used; boys like 0e3% 9inished dressing, the 2bBect stood before the mirror, 'icking at some dry skin on her cheek% &he ran a brush through her hair and 'ut on li' gloss% 4hen she came o)er to me% &he came u' )ery close% &he o'ened her mouth and blew her breath into my face% ,It+s fine,1 I said, and mo)ed away% ,Don+t you want me to check yoursD1 ,Ho biggie,1 I said% I decided that if the 2bBect was going to ignore me and flirt with 0e3, I would ignore her and flirt with Jerome% "fter she left, I combed my hair% 9rom the collection of atomi(ers on the dresser, I chose one and s@uee(ed the bulb, but no 'erfume came out% I went into the bathroom and undid the stra's of my o)eralls% *ifting my shirt, I stuffed a few tissues in my brassiere% 4hen I shook my hair back, hitched u' my o)eralls, and hurried outside for our walk in the woods% 4hey were waiting for me under a yellow bug light on the 'orch% Jerome held a sil)er flashlight% &lung o)er 0e3+s shoulder was an army sur'lus back'ack, filled with &troh+s% Ae came down the ste's onto the lawn% 4he ground was une)en, treacherous with roots, but the 'ine needles were soft underfoot% 9or a moment, des'ite my foul mood, I felt it: the cris' northern !ichigan delight% " slight chill to the air, e)en in "ugust, something almost 0ussian% 4he indigo sky abo)e the black bay% 4he smell of cedar and 'ine% "t the edge of the woods the 2bBect sto''ed% ,Is it going to be wetD1 she said% ,I only ha)e my 4retorns on%1 ,6ome on,1 said 0e3 0eese, 'ulling her by the hand% ,-et wet%1 &he screamed, theatrically% *eaning back like someone on a ro'e tow, she was 'ulled unsteadily into the trees% I 'aused, too, 'eering in, waiting for Jerome to do the same% 7e didn+t, though% Instead he ste''ed straight into the swam' and then slowly melted below the knees% ,Puicksand>1 he cried% ,7el' me> I+m sinking> lease somebody hel' K glub glub glub glub glub%1 ;' ahead, already in)isible, 0e3 and the 2bBect were laughing% 4he cedar swam' was an ancient 'lace% Ho logging had e)er been done here% 4he ground wasn+t suitable for houses% 4he trees had been ali)e for hundreds of years and

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when they fell o)er they fell o)er for good% 7ere in the cedar swam' )erticality wasn+t an essential 'ro'erty of trees% !any cedars were standing straight u' but many were leaning o)er% &till others had fallen against nearby trees, or crashed to the ground, 'o''ing u' root systems% 4here was a gra)eyard feeling: e)erywhere the gray skeletons of trees% 4he moonlight filtering in lit u' sil)er 'uddles and s'rays of cobweb% It glanced off the 2bBect+s red hair as she mo)ed and darted ahead of me% Ae made a clumsy, yahoo 'rogress through the swam'% 0e3 imitated animal sounds that sounded like no animal% =eer cans dinged in his back'ack% 2ur deracinated feet stom'ed along in the mud% "fter twenty minutes we found it: a one/room shack made of un'ainted boards% 4he roof wasn+t much taller than I was% 4he circular flashlight beam showed tar 'a'er co)ering the narrow door% ,It+s locked% 9uck,1 said 0e3% ,*et+s try the window,1 Jerome suggested% 4hey disa''eared, lea)ing the 2bBect and me alone% I looked at her% 9or the first time since I+d arri)ed she really looked at me% 4here was Bust enough moonlight to accom'lish this silent e3change between our eyes% ,It+s dark out here,1 I said% ,I know it,1 said the 2bBect% 4here was a crash behind the shack, followed by laughter% 4he 2bBect took a ste' closer to me% ,Ahat are they doing in thereD1 ,I don+t know%1 &uddenly the small window of the shack lit u'% 4he boys had lit a 6oleman lantern inside% He3t the front door o'ened and 0e3 ste''ed out% 7e was smiling like a salesman% ,-ot a guy here wants to meet you%1 "t which 'oint he held u' a mousetra' dangling the Bellied mouse% 4he 2bBect screamed% ,0e3>1 &he Bum'ed back and held on to me% ,4ake it away>1 0e3 dangled it some more, laughing, and then tossed it into the woods% ,2kay, okay% Don+t ha)e a shit fit%1 7e went back inside% 4he 2bBect was still clinging to me% ,!aybe we should go back,1 I )entured% ,Do you think you know the wayD I+m totally lost%1 ,I can find it%1 &he turned and looked into the black woods% &he was thinking about it% =ut then 0e3 rea''eared in the doorway% ,6ome on in,1 he said% ,6heck it out%1 "nd now it was too late% 4he 2bBect let go of me% 4hrowing the red scarf of her hair o)er her shoulder, she ducked through the low threshold into the hunting shack% Inside were two cots with 7udson+s =ay blankets% 4hey stood at either end of the small s'ace se'arated by a crude kitchen with a cam' sto)e% ?m'ty bourbon bottles lined the windowsill% 4he walls were co)ered with yellowed cli''ings from the local 'a'er, angling com'etitions, soa' bo3 derbies% 4here was also a ta3idermied 'ike, Baws aga'e% *ow on kerosene, the lantern s'uttered% 4he light was butter/colored, the ri''le of smoke greasing the air% It was o'ium den light, which was a''ro'riate, because already 0e3 had 'lucked a Boint from his 'ocket and was lighting it with a safety match% 0e3 was on one cot, Jerome on the other% 6asually the 2bBect sat down ne3t to 0e3% I stood in the middle of the floor, hunching% I could feel Jerome watching me% I 'retended to e3amine the shack but then turned, e3'ecting to meet his ga(e% 4his didn+t

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ha''en, howe)er% Jerome+s eyes were focused on my chest% 2n my falsies% 7e liked me already% How here was an added attraction, like a bonus for good intentions% !aybe I should ha)e been 'leased by the trance he was in% =ut my re)enge fantasy had already gone bust% !y heart wasn+t in it% &till, ha)ing no alternati)e, I went ahead and sat beside Jerome% "cross the shack 0e3 0eese had the Boint in his mouth% 0e3 was wearing shorts and a monogrammed shirt, ri''ed at the shoulder, showing tanned skin% 4here was a red mark on his flamenco dancer+s neck: a bug bite, a fading hickey% 7e closed his eyes to inhale dee'ly, his long eyelashes coming together% 4he hair on his head was as thick and oiled as an otter+s 'elt% 9inally he o'ened his eyes and 'assed the Boint to the 2bBect% 4o my sur'rise she took it% "s though it were one of her belo)ed 4areytons, she 'ut it between her li's and inhaled% ,Aon+t that make you 'aranoidD1 I said% ,Ho%1 ,I thought you told me 'ot always makes you 'aranoid%1 ,Hot when I+m out in nature,1 said the 2bBect% &he ga)e me a hard look% 4hen she took another toke% ,Don+t bogart it,1 said Jerome% 7e got u' to take the Boint from her% 7e smoked half/standing, and then turned and held it out to me% I looked at the Boint% 2ne end burned; the other was mashed and wet% I had an idea that this was all 'art of the boys+ 'lan, the woods, the shack, the cots, the drugs, the sharing of sali)a% 7ere+s a @uestion I still can+t answer: Did I see through the male tricks because I was destined to scheme that way myselfD 2r do girls see through the tricks, too, and Bust 'retend not to noticeD 9or one second I thought of 6ha'ter ?le)en% 7e was li)ing in a shack in the woods like this% I asked myself if I missed my brother% I couldn+t tell if I did or not% I ne)er know what I feel until it+s too late% 6ha'ter ?le)en had smoked his first Boint at college% I was four years ahead of him% ,7old it in,1 0e3 coached me% ,Jou ha)e to let the 476 build u' in your bloodstream,1 said Jerome% 4here was a sound out in the woods, twigs sna''ing% 4he 2bBect grabbed 0e3+s arm% ,Ahat was thatD1 ,!aybe a bear,1 Jerome said% ,Heither of you girls are on the rag, I ho'e,1 said 0e3% ,0e3>1 the 2bBect 'rotested% ,7ey, I+m serious% =ears can smell it% I was out cam'ing in Jellowstone one time and there was this woman out there who got killed% -ri((ly could smell the blood%1 ,4hat is not true>1 ,I swear% 4his guy I know told me% 7e was an 2utward =ound guide%1 ,Aell, I don+t know about 6allie, but I+m not,1 said the 2bBect% 4hey all looked at me% ,I+m not either,1 I said% ,I guess we+re safe, then, 0oman,1 said 0e3, and laughed% 4he 2bBect was still holding on to him for 'rotection% ,Jou want to do a shotgunD1 he asked her% ,Ahat+s thatD1 ,7ere%1 7e turned to face her% ,Ahat you do is one 'erson o'ens their mouth and the other 'erson blows the smoke into it% Jou get totally fucked u'% It+s e3cellent%1 0e3 'ut the lit end of the Boint in his mouth% 7e leaned toward the 2bBect% &he leaned forward too% &he o'ened her mouth% "nd 0e3 began to blow% 4he 2bscure

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2bBect+s li's were a 'erfect ri'e o)al and into that target, that bull+s/eye, 0e3 0eese directed the stream of musky smoke% I could see the column rush into the 2bBect+s mouth% It disa''eared down her throat like whitewater o)er falls% 9inally she coughed and he sto''ed% ,-ood hit% How do me%1 4he 2bBect+s green eyes were watering% =ut she took the Boint and inserted it between her li's% &he leaned toward 0e3 0eese, who o'ened his own mouth wide% Ahen they were finished, Jerome took the Boint from his sister% ,*et me see if I can master the technical difficulties here,1 he said% 4he ne3t thing I knew, his face was close to mine% &o finally I did it, too% *eaned forward, closed my eyes, 'arted my li's, and let Jerome shotgun into my mouth a long, dirty 'lume of smoke% &moke filled my lungs, which began to burn% I coughed and let it out% Ahen I o'ened my eyes again, 0e3 had his arm around the 2bBect+s shoulder% &he was trying to act casual about it% 0e3 finished his beer% 7e o'ened two more, one for him and one for her% 7e turned toward the 2bBect% 7e smiled% 7e said something I couldn+t hear% "nd then while I was still blinking he co)ered the 2bBect+s li's with his sour, handsome, 'ot/smoking mouth% "cross the flickering shack Jerome and I were left 'retending not to notice% 4he Boint was ours now to bogart as we wished% Ae 'assed it back and forth in silence and si''ed our beers% ,I+m ha)ing this weird thing where my feet look e3tremely far away,1 Jerome said after a while% ,Do your feet look e3tremely far away to youD1 ,I can+t see my feet,1 I said% ,It+s dark in here%1 7e 'assed me the Boint again and I took it% I inhaled and held the smoke in% I let it kee' burning my lungs because I wanted to distract myself from the 'ain in my heart% 0e3 and the 2bBect were still kissing% I looked away, out the dark, grimy window% ,?)erything looks really blue,1 I said% ,Did you notice thatD1 ,2h yeah,1 said Jerome% ,"ll kinds of strange e'i'henomena%1 4he 2racle of Del'hi had been a girl about my same age% "ll day long she sat o)er a hole in the ground, the omphalos , the na)el of the earth, breathing 'etrochemical fumes esca'ing from underneath% " teenage )irgin, the 2racle told the future, s'eaking the first metered )erse in history% Ahy do I bring this u'D =ecause 6allio'e was also a )irgin that night 8for a little while longer at least:% "nd she, too, had been inhaling hallucinogens% ?thylene was esca'ing from the cedar swam' outside the shack% Dressed not in a dia'hanous robe but a 'air of o)eralls, 6allio'e began to feel )ery funny indeed% ,Aant another beerD1 Jerome asked% ,2kay%1 7e handed me a golden can of &troh+s% I 'ut the sweating can to my li's and drank% 4hen I drank some more% Jerome and I both felt the weight of the obligation% Ae smiled at each other ner)ously% I looked down and rubbed my knee through my o)eralls% "nd when I looked u' again Jerome+s face was close% 7is eyes were shut, like the eyes of a boy Bum'ing feet first off the high di)e% =efore I knew what was ha''ening he was kissing me% Qissing the girl who had ne)er been kissed% 8Hot since 6lementine &tark, anyway%: I didn+t sto' him% I remained com'letely still while he did his thing% Des'ite my lightheadedness, I could feel e)erything% 4he shocking wetness of his mouth% 4he whiskery feel of his li's% 7is barging tongue% 6ertain fla)ors, too, the beer, the do'e, a lingering breath mint, and beneath all that the actual, animal taste of a

CEC

boy+s mouth% I could taste the gamy tang of Jerome+s hormones and the metal of his fillings% I o'ened one eye% 7ere was the fine hair I+d s'ent so much time admiring on another head% 7ere were the freckles on the forehead, on the bridge of the nose, along the ears% =ut it wasn+t the right face; they weren+t the right freckles, and the hair was dyed black% =ehind my im'assi)e face my soul curled u' into a ball, waiting until the un'leasantness was o)er% Jerome and I were still sitting u'% 7e was 'ressing his face against mine% =y maneu)ering a little, I could see across the room to where 0e3 and the 2bBect were% 4hey were lying down now% 4he tails of 0e3+s blue shirt seemed to fla' in the wa)ering light% =eneath him one of the 2bBect+s legs dangled off the bed, the cuff of her 'ants muddy% I heard them whis'ering and laughing, then silence again% I watched the 2bBect+s mud/stained leg dancing% I concentrated on that leg, so that I hardly noticed when Jerome began to 'ull me down on our cot% I let him; I ga)e in to our slow colla'se, all the while watching 0e3 0eese and the 2bBect out of one eye% 0e3+s hands were mo)ing o)er the 2bBect+s body now% 4hey were 'ulling u' her shirt, mo)ing under it% 4hen their bodies shifted so that I saw their faces in 'rofile% 4he 2bBect+s face, as still as a death mask, waited with eyes closed% 0e3+s 'rofile was ram'ant, flushed% !eanwhile Jerome+s hands were mo)ing o)er me% 7e was rubbing my o)eralls, but I was no longer in them e3actly% !y focus on the 2bBect was too intense% ?cstasy% 9rom the -reek Ekstasis % !eaning not what you think% !eaning not eu'horia or se3ual clima3 or e)en ha''iness% !eaning, literally: a state of dis'lacement, of being dri)en out of one+s senses% 4hree thousand years ago in Del'hi the 2racle became ecstatic e)ery single working hour% 4hat night in a hunting cabin in northern !ichigan, so did 6allio'e% 7igh for my first time, drunk for my first time, I felt myself dissol)ing, turning to )a'or% *ike the incense at church my soul rose toward the dome of my skull<and then broke through% I drifted o)er the 'lank floor% I floated abo)e the little cam' sto)e% assing by the bourbon bottles, I ho)ered o)er the other cot, looking down at the 2bBect% "nd then, because I suddenly knew that I could, I sli''ed into the body of 0e3 0eese% I entered him like a god so that it was me, and not 0e3, who kissed her% "n owl hooted in a tree somewhere% =ugs assailed the windows, attracted by the light% In my Del'hic state I was simultaneously aware of both make/out sessions% =y way of 0e3+s body I was hugging the 2bscure 2bBect, nu((ling her ear K while at the same time I was also aware of Jerome+s hands ranging o)er my body, the one I+d left on the other cot% 7e was on to' of me, crushing one of my legs, so I mo)ed it, s'read my legs a'art, and he fell between them% 7e made little sounds% I 'ut my arms around him, a''alled and mo)ed by his thinness% 7e was e)en skinnier than I was% How Jerome was kissing my neck% How, ad)ised by some maga(ine column, he was 'aying attention to my earlobe% 7is hands mo)ed u'% 4hey were heading for my chest% ,Don+t,1 I said, scared he+d find my tissues% "nd Jerome obeyedK Kwhile on the other cot 0e3 was meeting with no such resistance% Aith consummate skill he had undone the 2bBect+s brassiere with one hand% =ecause he was more e3'erienced than me I let him deal with the shirt buttons, but it was my hands that took hold of her bra and, as if sna''ing u' a windowshade, let into the room the 'ale light of the 2bBect+s breasts% I saw them; I touched them; and since it wasn+t me who did this but 0e3 0eese I didn+t ha)e to feel guilty, didn+t ha)e to ask myself if I was ha)ing unnatural desires% 7ow could I be when I was on the other cot fooling around with JeromeD K and so, Bust to be safe, I returned my attention to him% 7e was now in

CEE

some kind of agony% 7e was rubbing against me and then he sto''ed and reached down to adBust himself% 4here was the sound of a (i''er% I 'eeked at him through the corner of my eyes% I saw him thinking, concentrating on the 'u((le of the o)eralls% 7e didn+t seem to be getting anywhere, so once again I floated back across the room and entered the body of 0e3 0eese% 9or a minute I could feel the 2bBect res'onding to my touch, the startled, eager wakefulness in her skin and muscles% "nd now I felt something else, 0e3, or me, lengthening, e3'anding% I felt that for only a second and then something was 'ulling me backK Jerome had his hand on my bare stomach% Ahile I+d been off inhabiting 0e3+s body Jerome had taken the o''ortunity to undo my shoulder stra's% 7e had flicked o'en the sil)er buttons at my waist% How he was 'ulling down my o)eralls and I was trying to wake u'% How he was tugging on my under'ants and I was reali(ing how drunk I was% How he was inside my under'ants and now he was K inside me > "nd then: 'ain% ain like a knife, 'ain like fire% It ri''ed into me% It s'read u' my belly all the way to my ni''les% I gas'ed; I o'ened my eyes; I looked u' and saw Jerome looking down at me% Ae ga'ed at each other and I knew he knew% Jerome knew what I was, as suddenly I did, too, for the first time clearly understood that I wasn+t a girl but something in between% I knew this from how natural it had felt to enter 0e3 0eese+s body, how right it felt , and I knew this from the shocked e3'ression on Jerome+s face% "ll this was con)eyed in an instant% 4hen I 'ushed Jerome away% 7e 'ulled back, 'ulled out, and slid off the bed onto the floor% &ilence% 2nly the two of us, catching our breath% I lay on my back on the cam' bed% =eneath the news'a'er cli''ings% Aith only a mounted 'ike as witness% I 'ulled u' my o)eralls and felt )ery sober indeed% It was all o)er now% 4here was nothing I could do% Jerome would tell 0e3% 0e3 would tell the 2bBect% &he would sto' being my friend% =y the time school started, e)eryone at =aker W Inglis would know that 6allio'e &te'hanides was a freak% I was waiting for Jerome to Bum' u' and run% I felt 'anicked and, at the same time, strangely calm% I was 'utting things together in my head% 6lementine &tark and kissing lessons; and s'inning together in a hot tub; an am'hibian heart and a crocus blooming; blood and breasts that didn+t come; and a crush on the 2bBect that did, that had , that looked as if it was here to stay% " few moments of clarity and then 'anic again whined in my ears% I wanted to run myself% =efore Jerome had a chance to say anything% =efore anyone found out% I could lea)e tonight% I could find my way back through the cedar swam' to the house% I could steal the 2bBect+s 'arents+ car% I could dri)e north, through the ;''er eninsula to 6anada, where 6ha'ter ?le)en had once thought of going to esca'e the draft% "s I contem'lated my life on the run I 'eeked o)er the edge of the cot to see what Jerome was doing% 7e was flat on his back, eyes closed% "nd he was smiling to himself% &milingD &miling howD In ridiculeD Ho% In shockD Arong again% 7ow thenD )n contentment % Jerome had the smile of a boy who, on a summer night, had gone all the way% 7e had the smile of a guy who couldn+t wait to tell his friends% 0eader, belie)e this if you can: he hadn+t noticed a thing%

The 4un on the .all

CE$

Iwoke u' back at the house% I had a )ague memory of how I got there, of trudging back through the bog% !y o)eralls were still on% !y crotch felt hot and s'ongy% 4he 2bBect was already out of bed or had sle't somewhere else% I reached down and unstuck my under'ants from my skin% &omething about this act, the little 'uff of air, the rising aroma, reiterated the brand/new fact about myself% =ut it wasn+t a fact e3actly% It was nothing as solid as a fact right then% It was Bust an intuition I+d had about myself, to which the coming of morning brought no clarity% It was Bust an idea that was already beginning to fade, to become 'art of the drunkenness in the woods of the night before% Ahen the 2racle awoke after one of her wild, 'ro'hesying nights, she 'robably had no memory of the things she+d said% Ahate)er truths she+d hit on were secondary to the immediate sensations: the headache, the singed throat% It was the same for 6allio'e% I had a sense of ha)ing been dirtied and initiated% I felt all grown u'% =ut mostly I felt sick and didn+t want to think about what had ha''ened at all% In the shower I tried to rinse the e3'erience away, scrubbing methodically, lifting my face to the slanting water% &team filled the air% 4he mirrors and the windows dri''ed% 4he towels grew dam'% I used e)ery kind of soa' within reach, *ifebuoy, I)ory, 'lus a local, rustic brand that felt like sand'a'er% I got dressed and came down the stairs @uietly% "s I crossed the li)ing room I noticed an old hunting rifle o)er the mantel% "nother gun on the wall% I ti'toed by it% In the kitchen, the 2bBect was eating cereal and reading a maga(ine% &he didn+t look u' when I entered% I got a bowl myself and sat down across from her% !aybe I grimaced in doing so% ,Ahat+s the matterD1 sneered the 2bBect% ,&oreD1 7er sarcastic face rested on one 'alm% &he didn+t look so hot herself% &he was 'uffy under the eyes% 4here were times when her freckles were not sunny but like corrosion or rust% ,Jou+re the one that should be sore,1 I re'lied% ,I+m not sore at all,1 said the 2bBect, ,if you want to know%1 ,I forgot,1 I said; ,you+re used to it%1 &uddenly her face was full of anger, shaking% 6ords stretched and 'ulled beneath her skin, making lines% ,Jou were a total slut last night,1 she charged% ,!eD Ahat about youD Jou were throwing yourself at 0e3 the whole time%1 ,I was not% Ae didn+t e)en do that much%1 ,Jou could ha)e fooled me%1 ,"t least he+s not your $rother %1 &he got to her feet, glaring% &he looked like she might cry% &he hadn+t wi'ed her mouth% 4here was Bam on it, crumbs% I was struck dumb by the sight of this belo)ed face working itself u' into what looked like hatred% !y own face must ha)e been reacting, too% I could feel my eyes going wide and scared% 4he 2bBect was waiting for me to say something but nothing came to mind% &o finally she sho)ed her chair away and said, ,Jerome+s u'stairs% Ahy don+t you go climb in bed with him%1 "nd she stormed off% " low moment followed% 0egret, already sogging me down, burst its dam% It see'ed into my legs, it 'ooled in my heart% 2n to' of 'anic that I+d lost my friend, I was suddenly beset by worries about my re'utation% Aas I really a slutD I hadn+t e)en liked it% =ut I had done it, hadn+t ID I had let him do it% 9ear of retribution came ne3t% Ahat if I got 'regnantD Ahat thenD !y face at the breakfast table was the face of all mathematical girls, counting days, measuring li@uids% It was at least a minute before I remembered that I couldn+t be 'regnant% 4hat was one good thing about being a late bloomer% &till, I was u'set% I was certain that the 2bBect would ne)er talk to me again% I climbed the stairs and got back into bed, 'ulling a 'illow o)er my face to block

CE.

out the summer light% =ut there was no hiding from reality that morning% Ho more than fi)e minutes later the beds'rings sagged under new weight% eeking out, I saw that Jerome had come to )isit% 7e was lying on his back, looking co(y, already installed% Instead of a robe he had on a duck hunting coat% 4he ends of his frayed bo3er shorts were )isible below% 7e had a mug of coffee in one hand and I noticed that his fingernails were 'ainted black% 4he morning light coming from the side window showed stubble on his chin and abo)e his u''er li'% "gainst the flat, wasted, dyed hair these orange shoots were like life returning to a scorched landsca'e% ,-ood morning, dahling,1 he said% ,7i%1 ,9eeling a little under the weather, are weD1 ,Jeah,1 I said% ,I was 'retty drunk last night%1 ,Jou didn+t seem that drunk to me, dahling%1 ,Aell, I was%1 Jerome now dro''ed the bit% 7e flo''ed back into the 'illows and si''ed his coffee and sighed% Aith one finger he ta''ed his forehead for a while% 4hen he s'oke% ,Just in case you were ha)ing any of the hackneyed worries, you should know that I still res'ect you and all that shit%1 I didn+t res'ond% 0es'onding would only confirm the facts of what had ha''ened, whereas I wanted to cast them in doubt% "fter a while Jerome set the coffee mug down and turned onto his side% 7e wriggled o)er toward me and rested his head against my shoulder% 7e lay there breathing% 4hen, with closed eyes, he mo)ed his head and tunneled under the 'illow with me% 7e started to nu((le me% 7e brought his hair across the skin of my neck and after that came the sensiti)e organs% 7is eyelashes made butterfly kisses on my chin% 7is nose snuffled in the hollow of my throat% "nd then his li's arri)ed, a)id, clumsy% I wanted him off me% "t the same time I asked myself if I had brushed my teeth% Jerome was sliding and climbing on to' of me and it felt like it had the night before, like a crushing weight% &o do boys and men announce their intentions% 4hey co)er you like a sarco'hagus lid% "nd call it lo)e% 9or a minute it was tolerable% =ut soon the duck coat rode u' and Jerome+s urgency was 'ressing itself u'on me% 7e was trying to reach u' under my shirt again% I didn+t ha)e a bra on% "fter my shower I had gone without it, flushing away the Qleene3% I was done with them% Jerome+s hands mo)ed higher% I didn+t care% I let him feel me u'% 9or what it was worth% =ut if I was ho'ing to disa''oint him, it didn+t work% 7e stroked and s@uee(ed while his lower half swished like a crocodile+s tail% "nd then he said an unironic thing% 9er)ently he whis'ered, ,I+m really into you%1 7is li's closed, seeking mine% 7is tongue entered% 4he first 'enetration that augured the ne3t% =ut not now, not this time% ,&to',1 I said% ,AhatD1 ,&to'%1 ,Ahy sto'D1 ,=ecause%1 ,=ecause whyD1 ,=ecause I don+t like you like that%1 7e sat u'% *ike the guy in the old )aude)ille skit, the guy in the folding cot that won+t stay folded, Jerome fli''ed straight u', wide awake% 4hen he Bum'ed off the bed%

CE6

,Don+t be mad at me,1 I said% ,Aho says I+m madD1 said Jerome, and left% 4he rest of the day went slowly% I stayed in my room until I saw Jerome lea)e the house, carrying his mo)ie camera% I guessed that I was no longer in the cast% 4he 2bBect+s 'arents returned from their morning tennis foursome% !rs% 2bBect came u' the stairs to the master bathroom% 9rom my window I saw !r% 2bBect climb into the backyard hammock with a book% I waited for the shower to turn on and then came down the back stairs and out the kitchen door% I walked down to the bay, feeling melancholy% 4he cedar swam' lay on one side of the house% 2n the other was a dirt and gra)el road that led through an o'en field, treeless, with high yellow grass% 4he absence of trees was noticeable, and 'oking around out there I came u'on a historical marker, nearly o)ergrown% It marked the site of a fort or a massacre, I don+t remember which% !oss encroached u'on the raised letters and I didn+t read the whole 'la@ue% I stood there for a while thinking about the first settlers and how they had killed one another o)er bea)er and fo3 'elts% I 'ut my foot on the 'la@ue, kicking off the moss with my sneaker, until I got tired of that% It was almost noon by now% 4he bay was bright blue% 2)er the rise I could sense the city of etoskey, the smoke of sto)es and chimneys down there% 4he grass got marshy near the water% I climbed u' on the breakwall and walked back and forth, kee'ing my balance% I held my arms out and 'ranced, 2lga Qorbut style% =ut my heart wasn+t in it% "nd I was way too tall to be 2lga Qorbut% &ometime later the whir of an outboard engine reached me% I shaded my eyes with my hand to look out o)er the shimmering water% " s'eedboat was shooting 'ast% "t the wheel was 0e3 0eese% =are/chested, drinking a beer and wearing sunglasses, he gunned the throttle, towing a water/skier% It was the 2bBect, of course, in her shamrock bikini% &he looked almost naked against the e3'anse of water, only those two little stri's, one abo)e, one below, se'arating her from ?den% 7er red hair fla''ed like a gale warning% &he wasn+t a beautiful skier% &he leaned too far forward, bowlegged on the 'ontoons% =ut she didn+t fall% 0e3 ke't turning around to check on her while he si''ed his beer% 9inally the boat made a shar' turn and the 2bBect crossed her wake, whi''ing along 'ast the shore% " terrible thing ha''ens when you water/ski% "fter you release the ro'e, you kee' skimming o)er the water for a while, free% =ut there comes an ine)itable moment when your s'eed fails to sustain your forward 'rogress% 4he surface of the water breaks like glass% 4he de'ths o'en u' to claim you% 4hat was how I felt on land, watching the 2bBect ski 'ast% 4hat same 'lunging, ho'eless feeling, that emotional 'hysics% Ahen I got back at dinnertime the 2bBect was still not there% 7er mother was angry, thinking it rude of the 2bBect to lea)e me alone% Jerome, too, was out with friends% &o I ate dinner with the 2bBect+s 'arents% I felt too desolate to charm the grownu's that night% I ate in silence and afterward sat in the li)ing room 'retending to read% 4he clock ticked on% 4he night labored and creaked% Ahen I felt I might fall a'art I went into the bathroom and threw water on my face% I held a warm washcloth o)er my eyes and 'ressed my hands against my tem'les% I wondered what the 2bBect and 0e3 were doing% I 'ictured her socks in the air, her little tennis socks with the balls at the heels, those ensanguined balls, bouncing% It was ob)ious that !r% and !rs% 2bBect were staying u' Bust to kee' me com'any% &o finally I said good night and went u' to bed myself% I got in and immediately started crying% I cried for a long time, trying not to make any noise% Ahile

CE#

I sobbed I said things in an aggrie)ed whis'er% I cried, ,Ahy don+t you like meD1 and ,I+m sorry, I+m sorry>1 I didn+t care what I sounded like% 4here was a 'oison in my system and I needed to 'urge it% Ahile I was carrying on like that, I heard the screen door bang shut downstairs% I wi'ed my nose on the sheets and tried to settle down and listen% 9ootste's climbed the stairs, and in another moment the door of the bedroom o'ened and closed% 4he 2bBect entered and stood there in darkness% &he might ha)e been waiting for her eyes to adBust% I lay on my side, 'retending to be aslee'% 4he floorboards creaked as she came o)er to my side of the bed% I felt her standing o)er me, looking down% 4hen she went to the other side of the bed, took off her shoes and shorts, 'ut on a 4/shirt, and got in% 4he 2bBect sle't on her back% &he told me once that back/slee'ers were the leaders in life, born 'erformers or e3hibitionists% &tomach/slee'ers like me were in retreat from reality, gi)en to dark 'erce'tion and the meditati)e arts% 4his theory a''lied in our case% I lay 'rone, my nose and eyes sore from crying% 4he 2bBect, su'ine, yawned and 8like a born 'erformer, 'erha's: soon fell aslee'% I waited ten or so minutes, Bust to be safe% 4hen, as though tossing in my slee', I rolled o)er so that I was looking at the 2bBect% 4he moon was gibbous and filled the room with blue light% 4here u'on the wicker bed the 2bscure 2bBect sle't% 4he to' of her -roton 4/shirt was )isible% It was an old one of her father+s, with a few holes% &he had one arm crossed o)er her face, like a slash on a sign that meant ,Ho 4ouching%1 &o I looked instead% 2)er the 'illow her hair was s'read out% 7er li's were 'arted% &omething glinted inside her ear, grains of sand from the beach maybe% =eyond, the atomi(ers glowed on the dresser% 4he ceiling was u' abo)e somewhere% I could feel the s'iders working in the corners% 4he sheets were cool% 4he fat du)et rolled u' at our feet was leaking feathers% I+d grown u' around the smell of new car'eting, of 'olyester shirts hot from the dryer% 7ere the ?gy'tian sheets smelled like hedges, the 'illows like water fowl% 4hirteen inches away, the 2bBect was 'art of all this% 7er colors seemed to agree with the "merican landsca'e, her 'um'kin hair, her a''le cider skin% &he made a sound and went still again% -ently, I 'ulled the co)ers off her% In the dimness her outline a''eared, the rise of her breasts beneath the 4/shirt, the soft hill of her belly, and then the brightness of her under'ants, con)erging in their O sha'e% &he didn+t stir at all% 7er chest rose and fell with her breath% &lowly, trying not to make a sound, I mo)ed closer to her% 4iny muscles in my flank, muscles I hadn+t known I 'ossessed, suddenly made themsel)es a)ailable% 4hey 'ro'elled me millimeter by millimeter across the sheets% 4he old beds'rings ga)e me trouble% "s I tried nonchalantly to ad)ance, they called out ribald encouragement% 4hey cheered, they sang% I ke't sto''ing and starting% It was hard work% I breathed through my mouth, @uieter that way% 2)er the course of ten minutes I slid nearer and nearer to her% 9inally I felt the heat of her body along my entire length% Ae were still not touching, only radiating against each other% &he was breathing dee'ly% &o was I% Ae breathed together% 9inally, gathering courage, I flung my arm across her waist% 4hen nothing more for a long while% 7a)ing achie)ed this much, I was scared to go further% &o I remained fro(en, half hugging her% !y arm grew stiff% It began to throb and finally went numb% 4he 2bBect might ha)e been drugged or comatose% &till, I sensed an alertness in her skin, in her muscles% "fter another long while I 'lunged ahead% I took hold of her 4/shirt and lifted it u'% I ga(ed at her naked belly for a long while and, finally, with a kind of woefulness, bowed my head% I bowed my head to the

CE5

god of des'erate longing% I kissed the 2bBect+s belly and then slowly, gathering confidence, worked my way u'% Do you remember my frog heartD In 6lementine &tark+s bedroom it had kicked off from a muddy bank, mo)ing between two elements% How it did something e)en more ama(ing<it cre't u' onto land% &@uee(ing millennia into thirty seconds, it de)elo'ed consciousness% Ahile kissing the 2bBect+s belly, I wasn+t Bust reacting to 'leasurable stimuli, as I had been with 6lementine% I didn+t )acate my body, as I had with Jerome% How I was aware of what was ha''ening% I was thinking about it% I was thinking that this was what I+d always wanted% I was reali(ing that I wasn+t the only faker around% I was wondering what would ha''en if someone disco)ered what we were doing% I was thinking that it was all )ery com'licated and would only get more so% I reached down and touched her hi's% I hooked my fingers in the waistband of her under'ants% I began to sli' them off% Just then, the 2bBect lifted her hi's, )ery slightly, to make it easier for me% 4his was her only contribution% 4he ne3t day we didn+t mention it% Ahen I got u', the 2bBect was already out of bed% &he was in the kitchen, obser)ing her father+s 're'aration of scra''le% !aking scra''le was !r% 2bBect+s &unday morning ritual% 7e 'resided o)er the bubbling fat and grease while the 2bBect 'eriodically looked into the frying 'an and said, ,4hat is so disgusting%1 &oon she was working on a 'late of it, and made me ha)e one, too% ,I+m going to ha)e the worst heartburn,1 she said% I understood the uns'oken message immediately% 4he 2bBect wanted no dramatics, no guilt% Ho show of romance, either% &he was going on about the scra''le to se'arate night from day, to make it clear that what ha''ened at night, what we did at night, had nothing to do with daylight hours% &he was a good actress, too, and at times I wondered if maybe she really had been slee'ing through the whole thing% 2r maybe I had only been dreaming it% &he ga)e only two signs during the day that anything had changed between us% In the afternoon Jerome+s film crew arri)ed% 4his consisted of two friends of his, carrying bo3es and cables and a long, fu((y micro'hone like a dirty, rolled/u' bathmat% Jerome was by this time 'ointedly not s'eaking to me% 4hey set u' in a small e@ui'ment shed on the 'ro'erty% 4he 2bBect and I decided to see what they were doing% Jerome had told us to stay away, so we couldn+t resist% Ae cre't u', mo)ing from tree to tree% Ae had to sto' often to fight off laugh attacks, sla''ing at each other, a)oiding each other+s eyes until we could control oursel)es% "t the back window of the e@ui'ment shed we 'eeked in% Hot much was ha''ening% 2ne of Jerome+s friends was ta'ing a light to the wall% It was hard for us both to see through the small window at once, so the 2bBect got in front of me% &he 'laced my hands on her belly and held my wrists% &till, her attention was officially gi)en o)er to what was going on inside the shed% Jerome a''eared, dressed as the 're''y )am'ire% Inside the traditional Dracula waistcoat, he wore a 'ink *acoste shirt% Instead of a bow tie he had an ascot% 7is black hair was slicked back, his face whitened with a cosmetic, and he carried a cocktail shaker% 2ne of his friends held a broomstick dangling a rubber bat% "nother o'erated the camera% ,"ction,1 said Jerome% 7e lifted the cocktail shaker% 7e shook it with both hands% !eanwhile the bat swoo'ed and fluttered abo)e his head% Jerome remo)ed the lid and 'oured the blood into the martini glasses% 7e held one u' for his friend the bat, who 'rom'tly 'lo''ed into it% Jerome si''ed his blood cocktail% ,Just how you like it, !uffie,1 he said to the bat% , @ery dry%1

CE9

;nder my hands the 2bBect+s stomach Biggled as she laughed% &he leaned back into me and her flesh ca'tured in my arms shook and yielded% I 'ressed my 'el)is against her% "ll this went on secretly behind the shed, like a game of footsie% =ut then the cameraman lowered his camera% 7e 'ointed at us and Jerome turned around% 7is eyes fi3ed on my hands and then rose to my eyes% 7e bared his fangs, burning me with a look% "nd then shouted in his regular )oice, ,-et the hell out of here, you fuckers> Ae+re shooting%1 7e came u' to the window and struck it, but we were already running away% *ater, around e)ening, the 'hone rang% 4he 2bBect+s mother answered it% ,It+s 0e3,1 she said% 4he 2bBect got u' from the sofa where we were 'laying backgammon% I restacked my chi's to ha)e something to do% I tidied them u', o)er and o)er, while the 2bBect talked to 0e3% &he had her back to me% &he mo)ed around as she talked, 'laying with the cord% I ke't looking down at the chi's, mo)ing them% !eanwhile I 'aid close attention to the con)ersation% ,Hothing much, Bust 'laying backgammon K with 6allie K 7e+s making his stu'id film K I can+t, we+re su''osed to ha)e dinner soon K I don+t know, maybe later K I+m sort of tired, actually%1 &uddenly she wheeled around to face me% Aith effort I looked u'% 4he 2bBect 'ointed at the 'hone and then, o'ening her mouth wide, stuck her finger down her throat% !y heart brimmed% Hight came again% In bed we went through the 'reliminaries, 'lum'ing our 'illows, yawning% Ae tossed around to get comfortable% "nd then after an a''ro'riate time of silence the 2bBect made a noise% It was a murmur, a cry caught in the throat, as if she were talking in her slee'% "fter this, her breathing became dee'er% "nd taking this as the okay, 6allio'e began the long trek across the bed% &o that was our lo)e affair% Aordless, blinkered, a nighttime thing, a dream thing% 4here were reasons on my side for this as well% Ahate)er it was that I was was best re)ealed slowly, in flattering light% Ahich meant not much light at all% =esides, that+s the way it goes in adolescence% Jou try things out in the dark% Jou get drunk or stoned and e3tem'ori(e% 4hink back to your backseats, your 'u' tents, your beach bonfire 'arties% Did you e)er find yourself, without admitting it, tangled u' with your best friendD 2r in a dorm room bed with two 'eo'le instead of one, while =ach 'layed on the chint(y stereo, orchestrating the fugueD It+s a kind of fugue state, anyway, early se3% =efore the routine sets in, or the lo)e% =ack when the gro'ing is largely anonymous% &andbo3 se3% It starts in the teens and lasts until twenty or twenty/one% It+s all about learning to share% It+s about sharing your toys% &ometimes when I climbed on to' of the 2bBect she would almost wake u'% &he would mo)e to accommodate me, s'reading her legs or throwing an arm around my back% &he swam u' to the surface of consciousness before di)ing again% 7er eyelids fluttered% " res'onsi)eness entered her body, a fle3 of abdomen in rhythm with mine, her head thrown back to offer u' her throat% I waited for more% I wanted her to acknowledge what we were doing, but I was scared, too% &o the sleek dol'hin rose, lea't through the ring of my legs, and disa''eared again, lea)ing me bobbing, trying to kee' my balance% ?)erything was wet down there% 9rom me or her I didn+t know% I laid my head on her chest beneath the bunched/u' 4/shirt% 7er underarms smelled like o)erri'e fruit% 4he hair there was )ery s'arse% ,Jou luck,1 I would ha)e said, back in our daytime life% ,Jou don+t e)en ha)e to sha)e%1 =ut the nighttime 6allio'e only stroked the hair, or tasted it% 2ne night, as I was doing this and other things, I noticed a shadow on the wall% I thought it was a moth% =ut, looking closer, I saw that it was the 2bBect+s hand, raised behind my head% 7er hand was com'letely awake% It clenched and

C$0

unclenched, si'honing all the ecstasy from her body into its secret flowerings% Ahat the 2bBect and I did together was 'layed out under these loose rules% Ae weren+t too scru'ulous about the details% Ahat 'ressed on our attention was that it was ha''ening, se3 was ha''ening% 4hat was the great fact% 7ow it ha''ened e3actly, what went where, was secondary% lus, we didn+t ha)e much to com'are it to% Hothing but our night in the shack with 0e3 and Jerome% "s far as the crocus was concerned, it wasn+t so much a 'iece of me as something we disco)ered and enBoyed together% Dr% *uce will tell you that female monkeys e3hibit mounting beha)ior when administered male hormones% 4hey sei(e, they thrust% Hot me% 2r at least not at first% 4he blooming of the crocus was an im'ersonal 'henomenon% It was a kind of hook that fastened us together, more a stimulant to the 2bBect+s outer 'arts than a 'enetration of her inner% =ut, a''arently, effecti)e enough% =ecause after the first few nights, she was eager for it% ?ager, that is, while ostensibly remaining unconscious% "s I hugged her, as we languorously shifted and knotted, the 2bBect+s attitudes of insensibility included fa)orable 'ositioning% Hothing was made ready or caressed% Hothing was aimed% =ut 'ractice brought about a fluid gymnastics to our slee' cou'lings% 4he 2bBect+s eyes remained closed throughout; her head was often turned slightly away% &he mo)ed under me as a slee'ing girl might while being ra)ished by an incubus% &he was like somebody ha)ing a dirty dream, confusing her 'illow for a lo)er% &ometimes, before or afterward, I switched on the bedside lam'% I 'ulled her 4/shirt u' as far as it would go and slid her under'ants down below her knees% "nd then I lay there, letting my eyes ha)e their fill% Ahat else com'aresD -old filings shifted around the magnet of her na)el% 7er ribs were as thin as candy canes% 4he s'read of her hi's, so different from mine, looked like a bowl offering u' red fruit% "nd then there was my fa)orite s'ot, the 'lace where her ribcage softened into breast, the smooth, white dune there% I turned the light off% I 'ressed against the 2bBect% I took the backs of her thighs in my hands, adBusting her legs around my waist% I reached under her% I brought her u' to me% "nd then my body, like a cathedral, broke out into ringing% 4he hunchback in the belfry had Bum'ed and was swinging madly on the ro'e% 4hrough all this I made no lasting conclusions about myself% I know it+s hard to belie)e, but that+s the way it works% 4he mind self/edits% 4he mind airbrushes% It+s a different thing to be inside a body than outside% 9rom outside, you can look, ins'ect, com'are% 9rom inside there is no com'arison% In the 'ast year the crocus had lengthened considerably% "t its most demonstrati)e it was now about two inches long% !ost of this length, howe)er, was concealed by the fla's of skin from which it issued% 4hen there was the hair% In its @uiet state, the crocus was barely noticeable% Ahat I saw looking down at myself was only the dark triangular badge of 'uberty% Ahen I touched the crocus it e3'anded, swelling until with a kind of 'o' it slid free of the 'ouch it was in% It 'oked its head u' into the air% Hot too far, though% Ho more than an inch 'ast the tree line% Ahat did this meanD I knew from 'ersonal e3'erience that the 2bBect had a crocus of her own% It swelled, too, when touched% !ine was Bust bigger, more effusi)e in its feelings% !y crocus wore its heart on its slee)e% 4he crucial feature was this: the crocus didn+t ha)e a hole at the ti'% 4his was certainly not what a boy had% ut yourself in my shoes, reader, and ask yourself what conclusion you would ha)e come to about your se3, if you had what I had, if you looked the way I looked% 4o 'ee I had to sit% 4he stream issued from underneath% I had

C$1

an interior like a girl% It was tender inside, almost 'ainful if I inserted my finger% 4rue, my chest was com'letely flat% =ut there were other ironing boards at my school% "nd 4essie insisted I took after her in that de'artment% !usclesD Hot much to s'eak of% Ho hi's either, no waist% " dinner 'late of a girl% 4he low/6al s'ecial% Ahy should I ha)e thought I was anything other than a girlD =ecause I was attracted to a girlD 4hat ha''ened all the time% It was ha''ening more than e)er in 19#$% It was becoming a national 'astime% !y ecstatic intuition about myself was now dee'ly su''ressed% 7ow long I would ha)e managed to kee' it down is anybody+s guess% =ut in the end it wasn+t u' to me% 4he big things ne)er are% =irth, I mean, and death% "nd lo)e% "nd what lo)e be@ueaths to us before we+re born% 4he following 4hursday morning was hot% It was one of those humid days when the atmos'here gets confused% &itting on the 'orch, you could feel it: the air wishing it was water% 4he 2bBect was draggy in any kind of heat% &he claimed her ankles swelled% "ll morning she+d been a trying com'anion, demanding, sullen% Ahile I was dressing she+d come back from the bathroom to accuse me from the doorway, ,Ahat did you do with the sham'ooD1 ,I didn+t do anything with it%1 ,I left it right on the windowsill% Jou+re the only other 'erson who uses it%1 I s@uee(ed 'ast her and went down the hall% ,It+s right here in the tub,1 I said% 4he 2bBect took it from me% ,I feel totally gross and sticky>1 she said, by way of a'ology% 4hen she got into the shower while I brushed my teeth% "fter a minute her o)al face a''eared, the shower curtain snug around it% &he looked bald and big/eyed like an alien% ,&orry I+m such a bitch today,1 she said% I ke't brushing, wanting her to suffer a little% 4he 2bBect+s forehead wrinkled and her eyes grew soft in a''eal% ,Do you hate meD1 ,I+m still deciding%1 ,Jou+re so mean>1 she said, comically frowning, and sna''ed the curtain shut% "fter breakfast, we were on the 'orch swing, drinking lemonade and gliding back and forth to create a bree(e% I had my feet u' on the railing, 'ushing off from it% 4he 2bBect was lying sideways, her legs s'read o)er my la', her head resting against the arm of the swing% &he had on cutoffs, short enough to re)eal the white lining of the 'ockets, and her bikini to'% I was wearing khaki shorts and a white alligator shirt% 2ut in front of us, the bay flashed sil)er% 4he bay had scales, like the fish beneath% ,&ometimes I get really sick of ha)ing a body,1 the 2bBect said% ,!e too%1 ,Jou tooD1 ,?s'ecially when it+s hot like this% It+s like torture Bust mo)ing around%1 , lus I hate sweating%1 ,I can+t stand to sweat,1 I said% ,I+d rather 'ant like a dog%1 4he 2bBect laughed% &he was smiling at me, mar)eling% ,Jou understand e)erything I say,1 she said% &he shook her head% ,Ahy can+t you be a guyD1 I shrugged, indicating that I had no answer% I was aware of no irony in this% Heither was the 2bBect% &he was looking at me, low/lidded% 7er eyes in the brightness of day with heat currents rising o)er the baking grass looked )ery green, e)en if they were only slits, crescents% 7er head was bent forward against the arm of the swing; she had to look u' to see me% 4his ga)e her a )i3enish attitude% Aithout taking her eyes off mine, she

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adBusted her legs, s'reading them slightly% ,Jou ha)e the most ama(ing eyes,1 she said% ,Jour eyes are really green% 4hey almost look fake%1 ,4hey are fake%1 ,Jou+)e got glass eyesD1 ,Jeah, I+m blind% )+m 4iresias%1 4his was a new way to do it% Ae+d Bust disco)ered it% &taring into each other+s eyes was another way of kee'ing them closed, or off the details at hand, anyway% Ae locked onto each other% !eanwhile the 2bBect was )ery subtly fle3ing her legs% I was aware of the mound beneath her cutoffs rising toward me, Bust a little, rising and suggesting itself% I 'ut my hand on the 2bBect+s thigh, 'alm down% "nd as we continued to swing, looking at each other while crickets 'layed their fiddles in the grass, I slid my hand sideways u' toward the 'lace where the 2bBect+s legs Boined% !y thumb went under her cutoffs% 7er face showed no reaction% 7er green eyes under the hea)y lids remained fastened on mine% I felt the fluffiness of her under'ants and 'ressed down, sliding under the elastic% "nd then with our eyes wide o'en but confined in that way my thumb sli''ed inside her% &he blinked, her eyes closed, her hi's rose higher, and I did it again% "nd again after that% 4he boats in the bay were 'art of it, and the string section of crickets in the baking grass, and the ice melting in our lemonade glasses% 4he swing mo)ed back and forth, creaking on its rusted chain, and it was like that old nursery rhyme, *ittle Jack 7orner sat in the corner eating his 6hristmas 'ie% 7e stuck in his thumb and 'ulled out a 'lum K "fter the first roll of her eyes the 2bBect resettled her ga(e on mine, and then what she was feeling showed only there, in the green de'ths her eyes re)ealed% 2therwise she was motionless% 2nly my hand mo)ed, and my feet on the rail, 'ushing the swing% 4his went on for three minutes, or fi)e, or fifteen% I ha)e no idea% 4ime disa''eared% &omehow we were still not @uite conscious of what we were doing% &ensation dissol)ed straight into forgetting% Ahen the floor of the 'orch creaked behind us, I Bum'ed% I withdrew my thumb from the 2bBect+s 'ants and sat u' straight% I saw something in the corner of my eyes and turned% erched on the railing to our right was Jerome% 7e was in his )am'ire costume, des'ite the heat% 4he 'owder on his face was burning off in s'ots but he still looked )ery 'ale% 7e was ga(ing down on us with his best haunted e3'ression% 7is !urn of the "crew e3'ression% 4he young master led astray by the gardener% 4he boy in the frock coat who+d drowned in the well% ?)erything was dead e3ce't the eyes% 7is eyes fi3ed on us<on the 2bBect+s bare legs lying in my la'<while his face remained embalmed% 4hen the a''arition s'oke: ,6ar'et munchers%1 ,Just ignore him,1 the 2bBect said% ,6arrrr'et muncherrrrs,1 Jerome re'eated% It came out in a croak% ,&hut up >1 Jerome remained still and ghoul/like on the rail% 7is hair wasn+t slicked back but fell lim' on either side of his face% 7e was )ery controlled and intent about what he was doing, as if following a time/honored 'rocedure% ,6ar'et muncher,1 he said again% ,6ar'et muncher, car'et muncher%1 &ingular now% 4his was between him and his sister% ,I said @uit it, Jerome%1 4he 2bBect now tried to rise% &he swung her legs off my la' and started to roll out of the swing% =ut Jerome mo)ed first% 7e s'read his Backet like wings and Bum'ed off the railing% 7e swoo'ed down on the 2bBect% &till his face

C$E

was com'letely im'assi)e% Ho muscles mo)ed e3ce't those of his mouth% Into the 2bBect+s face, into her ears he ke't hissing and croaking% ,6ar'et muncher, car'et muncher, car'et muncher, car'et muncher%1 ,&to' it>1 &he tried to hit him but he caught her arms% 7e held both of her wrists in one hand% Aith his other hand Jerome made a O with his fingers% 7e 'ressed this O to his mouth and between this suggesti)e triangle flicked his tongue back and forth% "t the crudity of this gesture the 2bBect+s calm began to crack% " sob rose in her% Jerome sensed its arri)al% 7e had reduced his sister to tears for o)er a decade; he knew how to do it; he was like a kid burning an ant with a magnifying glass, focusing the beam in hotter and hotter% ,6ar'et muncher, car'et muncher, car'et muncher K1 "nd then it ha''ened% 4he 2bBect broke down% &he began to bawl like a little girl% 7er face turned red and she swung her fists wildly before finally running away into the house% "t that 'oint Jerome+s fierce acti)ity ceased% 7e adBusted his Backet% 7e smoothed his hair and, leaning against the 'orch rail, stared 'eacefully out at the water% ,Don+t worry,1 he said to me% ,I won+t tell anyone%1 ,4ell anyone whatD1 ,Jou+re lucky I+m such a liberal and freethinking ty'e of guy,1 he continued% ,!ost guys wouldn+t be so ha''y to find out that they+d been two/timed by a lesbian with their own sister% It+s sort of embarrassing, don+t you thinkD =ut I+m such a freethinker that I+m willing to o)erlook your 'rocli)ities%1 ,Ahy don+t you shut u', JeromeD1 ,I+ll shut u' when I want to,1 he said% 4hen he turned his head and looked at me% ,Jou know where you are nowD &'lits)ille, &te'hanides% -et out of here and don+t come back% "nd kee' your hands off my sister%1 I was already Bum'ing u'% !y blood rocketed% It shot u' my s'ine and rang a bell in my head, and I charged Jerome in a bla(e of fury% 7e was bigger than me but un're'ared% I hit him in the face% 7e tried to mo)e away but I crashed into him, my momentum knocking him to the floor% I climbed on his chest, 'inning his arms with my legs% 9inally Jerome sto''ed resisting% 7e lay on his back and tried to look amused% ,"ny time you+re finished,1 he said% It was an e3hilarating feeling to be on to' of him% 6ha'ter ?le)en had 'inned me all my life% 4his was the first time I+d done it to somebody else, es'ecially a boy older than me% !y long hair was falling into Jerome+s face% I swe't it back and forth, tormenting him% 4hen I remembered something else my brother used to do% ,Ho,1 Jerome cried% ,6ome on% 1on+t >1 I let it fall% *ike a raindro'% *ike a tear% =ut neither of those things% 4he s'it 'lo''ed right between Jerome+s eyes% "nd then the earth o'ened u' beneath us% Aith a roar Jerome rose u', sending me backward% !y su'remacy had been brief% How it was time to run% I took off across the 'orch% I Bum'ed down the ste's and tore across the back lawn, barefoot% Jerome came after me in his Dracula getu'% 7e sto''ed to fling off the coat and I increased the distance between us% 4hrough the backyards of the neighboring houses I ran, ducking under 'ine branches% I dodged bushes and barbecues% 4he 'ine needles ga)e good traction under my feet% 9inally I reached the o'en field beyond and fled into it% Ahen I looked back Jerome was gaining on me%

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4hrough the high, yellow grass along the bayshore we flew% I Bum'ed o)er the historical marker, gra(ing my foot, then ho''ed in 'ain and continued on% Jerome cleared it without a hitch% 2n the other side of the field was the road that led back to the house% If I could get o)er the rise, I could double back without Jerome seeing me% 4he 2bBect and I could barricade oursel)es in our room% I reached the hill and started u'% Jerome came after me, scowling, still gaining% Ae were like runners in a frie(e% In 'rofile, with 'um'ing thighs and knifing arms, we cut through the shin/whi''ing grass% =y the time I reached the bottom of the hill Jerome seemed to be slowing down% 7e was wa)ing his hand in defeat% 7e was wa)ing it and shouting something I couldn+t hearK 4he tractor had Bust made a turn onto the road% 7igh in his seat, the farmer didn+t see me% I was looking back to check on Jerome% Ahen I finally turned forward it was too late% 0ight in front of me was the tractor tire% I hit it dead on% In the terracotta dust I was s'un u'ward into the air% "t the a'e3 of my arc I saw the raised 'low blades behind, the corkscrewing metal co)ered with mud, and then the race was o)er% I awoke later, in the backseat of a strange automobile% " rattletra', with blankets co)ering the seats% " decal of a hooked, fla''ing trout was 'asted to the rear window% 4he dri)er wore a red ca'% 4he little s'ace abo)e the ca'+s adBustable headband showed the bu((ed hairline of his seamed neck% !y head felt soft, as if co)ered in gau(e% I was wra''ed in an old blanket, stiff and s'oked with hay% I turned my head and looked u' and saw a beautiful sight% I saw the 2bBect+s face from below% !y head was in her la'% !y right cheek was flush against the warm u'holstery of her tummy% &he was still in her bikini to' and cutoffs% 7er knees were s'read and her red hair fell o)er me, darkening things% I ga(ed u' through this maroon or o3blood s'ace and saw what I could of her, the dark band of her swimsuit to', her cla)icles set forward% &he was chewing one cuticle% It was going to bleed if she ke't it u'% ,7urry,1 she was saying, from the other side of the falling hair% ,7urry u', !r% =urt%1 It was the farmer who was dri)ing% 4he farmer whose tractor I+d run into% I ho'ed he wasn+t listening% I didn+t want him to hurry% I wanted this ride to go on for as long as 'ossible% 4he 2bBect was stroking my head% &he+d ne)er done this in daylight before% ,I beat u' your brother,1 I said out of the blue% Aith one hand the 2bBect swe't her hair away% 4he light knifed in% ,6allie> "re you okayD1 I smiled u' at her% ,I got him good%1 ,2h -od,1 she said% ,I was so scared% I thought you were dead% Jou were Bust ly< ly1<her )oice broke<, lying there in the road>1 4he tears came on, tears of gratitude now, not anger like before% 4he 2bBect sobbed% Aith awe I beheld the storm of emotion racking her% &he di''ed her head% &he 'ressed her snuffling, wet face against mine and, for the first and last time, we kissed% Ae were hidden by the backseat, by the wall of hair, and who was the farmer to tell anywayD 4he 2bBect+s anguished li's met mine, and there was a sweet taste and a taste of salt% ,I+m all snotty,1 she said, lifting her face u' again% &he managed to laugh% =ut already the car was sto''ing% 4he farmer was Bum'ing out, shouting things% 7e swung o'en the back door% 4wo orderlies a''eared and lifted me onto a stretcher% 4hey wheeled me across the sidewalk into the hos'ital doors% 4he 2bBect remained at my side% &he took my hand% 9or a moment she seemed to register her near nakedness%

C$.

&he looked down at herself when her bare feet hit the cold linoleum% =ut she shrugged this off% "ll the way down the hall, until the orderlies told her to sto', she held on to my hand% "s though it were a string of iraeus yarn% ,Jou can+t come in, miss,1 the orderlies said% ,Jou ha)e to wait here%1 "nd so she did% =ut still she didn+t let go of my hand% Hot for a while longer yet% 4he stretcher was wheeled down the corridor and my arm stretched out toward the 2bBect% I had already left on my )oyage% I was sailing across the sea to another country% How my arm was twenty feet long, thirty, forty, fifty% I lifted my head from the stretcher to ga(e at the 2bBect% 4o ga(e at the 2bscure 2bBect% 9or once more she was becoming a mystery to me% Ahat e)er ha''ened to herD Ahere is she nowD &he stood at the end of the hall, holding my unra)eling arm% &he looked cold, skinny, out of 'lace, lost% It was almost as if she knew we would ne)er see each other again% 4he stretcher was 'icking u' s'eed% !y arm was only a thin ribbon now, curling through the air% 9inally the ine)itable moment came% 4he 2bBect let go% !y hand flew u', free, em'ty% *ights o)erhead, bright and round, as at my birth% 4he same s@ueaking of white shoes% =ut Dr% hilobosian was nowhere to be found% 4he doctor who smiled down at me was young and sandy/haired% 7e had a country accent% ,I+m gonna ask you a few @uestions, okayD1 ,2kay%1 ,&tart off with your name%1 ,6allie%1 ,7ow old are you, 6allieD1 ,9ourteen%1 ,7ow many fingers am I holding outD1 ,4wo%1 ,I want you to count backward for me% &tart from ten%1 ,4en, nine, eight K1 "nd all the while, he was 'ressing me, feeling for breaks% ,Does this hurtD1 ,Ho%1 ,4hisD1 ,;h/uh%1 ,7ow about hereD1 &uddenly it did hurt% " bolt, a cobra bite, beneath my na)el% 4he cry I let out was answer enough% ,2kay, okay, we+re gonna go easy here% I Bust need to take a look% *ie still now%1 4he doctor signaled the intern with his eyes% 9rom either side they began to undress me% 4he intern 'ulled my shirt o)er my head% 4here was my chest, green and bleak% 4hey 'aid no notice% Heither did I% !eanwhile the doctor had unfastened my belt% 7e was undoing the clas' of my khakis: I let him% Down came the 'ants% I watched as if from far away% I was thinking about something else% I was remembering how the 2bBect would lift her hi's to hel' me get her under'ants off% 4hat little signal of com'liance, of desire% I was thinking how much I lo)ed it when she did that% How the intern was reaching under me% "nd so I lifted my hi's% 4hey took hold of my under'ants% 4hey tugged them down% 4he elastic caught on my skin, then ga)e% 4he doctor bent closer, mumbling to himself% 4he intern, rather un'rofessionally, raised one hand to her throat and then 'retended to fi3 her collar% 6hekho) was right% If there+s a gun on the wall, it+s got to go off% In real life,

C$6

howe)er, you ne)er know where the gun is hanging% 4he gun my father ke't under his 'illow ne)er fired a shot% 4he rifle o)er the 2bBect+s mantel ne)er did either% =ut in the emergency room things were different% 4here was no smoke, no gun'owder smell, absolutely no sound at all% 2nly the way the doctor and nurse reacted made it clear that my body had li)ed u' to the narrati)e re@uirements% 2ne scene remains to be described in this 'ortion of my life% It took 'lace a week later, back on !iddlese3, and featured me, a suitcase, and a tree% I was in my bedroom, sitting on the window seat% It was Bust before noon% I was dressed in tra)eling clothes, a gray 'antsuit with a white blouse% I was reaching out my window, 'icking berries off the mulberry tree that grew outside% 9or the last hour I+d been eating the berries to distract myself from the sound coming from my 'arents+ bedroom% 4he mulberries had ri'ened in the last week% 4hey were fat and Buicy% 4he berries stained my hands% 2utside, the sidewalk was s'lotched 'ur'le, as was the grass itself, and the rocks in the flower beds% 4he sound in my 'arents+ bedroom was my mother wee'ing% I got u'% I went o)er to the o'en suitcase and checked again to see if I+d 'acked e)erything% !y 'arents and I were lea)ing in an hour% Ae were going to Hew Jork 6ity to see a famous doctor% I didn+t know how long we+d be gone or what was wrong with me% I didn+t 'ay much attention to the details% I only knew I was no longer a girl like other girls% 2rthodo3 monks smuggled silk out of 6hina in the si3th century% 4hey brought it to "sia !inor% 9rom there it s'read to ?uro'e, and finally tra)eled across the sea to Horth "merica% =enBamin 9ranklin fostered the silk industry in ennsyl)ania before the "merican 0e)olution% !ulberry trees were 'lanted all o)er the ;nited &tates% "s I 'icked those berries out my bedroom window, howe)er, I had no idea that our mulberry tree had anything to do with the silk trade, or that my grandmother had had trees Bust like it behind her house in 4urkey% 4hat mulberry tree had stood outside my bedroom on !iddlese3, ne)er di)ulging its significance to me% =ut now things are different% How all the mute obBects of my life seem to tell my story, to stretch back in time, if I look closely enough% &o I can+t 'ossibly finish u' this section of my life without mentioning the following fact: 4he most widely raised ty'e of silkworm, the lar)a of the om$y> mori , no longer e3ists anywhere in a natural state% "s my encyclo'edia 'oignantly 'uts it: ,4he legs of the lar)ae ha)e degenerated, and the adults do not fly%1

Book *our
The Oracular 8ulva
9rom my birth when they went undetected, to my ba'tism where they u'staged the 'riest, to my troubled adolescence when they didn+t do much of anything and then did e)erything at once, my genitals ha)e been the most significant thing that e)er ha''ened to me% &ome 'eo'le inherit houses; others 'aintings or highly insured )iolin bows% &till others get a Ja'anese tansu or a famous name% I got a recessi)e gene on my

C$#

fifth chromosome and some )ery rare family Bewels indeed% !y 'arents had at first refused to belie)e the emergency room doctor+s wild claim about my anatomy% 4he diagnosis, deli)ered o)er the 'hone to a largely uncom'rehending !ilton and then bowdleri(ed by him for 4essie+s benefit, amounted to a )ague concern about the formation of my urinary tract along with a 'ossible hormonal deficiency% 4he doctor in etoskey hadn+t 'erformed a karyoty'e% 7is Bob was to treat my concussion and contusions, and when he was done with that, he let me go% !y 'arents wanted a second o'inion% "t !ilton+s insistence I had been taken one last time to see Dr% hil% In 19#$, Dr% Hishan hilobosian was eighty/eight years old% 7e still wore a bow tie, but his neck no longer filled out the collar of his shirt% 7e was reduced in all his 'arts, free(e/dried% He)ertheless, green golf slacks e3tended from the hem of his white coat and a 'air of tinted a)iator/style glasses gri''ed his hairless head% ,7ello, 6allie, how are youD1 ,9ine, Dr% hil%1 ,&tarting school againD Ahat grade are you in nowD1 ,I+ll be in ninth this year% 7igh school%1 ,7igh schoolD "lreadyD I must be getting old%1 7is courtly manner was no different than it had e)er been% 4he foreign sounds he still made, the e)idence of the 2ld Aorld in his teeth, 'ut me somewhat at ease% "ll my life dignified foreigners had 'etted and 'am'ered me% I was a sucker for the soft/handed *e)antine affections% "s a little girl I had sat on Dr% hilobosian+s knee while his fingers climbed my s'inal column, counting off the )ertebrae% How I was taller than he was, gangly, freak/haired, a 4iny 4im of a girl, sitting in gown, bra, and under'ants on the edge of an old/fashioned medical table with ste'/drawers of )ulcani(ed rubber% 7e listened to my heart and lungs, his bald head di''ing on the long neck like that of a brontosaurus, sam'ling lea)es% ,7ow+s your father, 6allieD1 ,9ine%1 ,7ow+s the hot dog businessD1 ,-ood%1 ,7ow many hot dog 'laces your dad has nowD1 ,*ike fifty or something%1 ,4here+s one not too far from where Hurse 0osalee and I go in the winter% om'ano =each%1 7e e3amined my eyes and ears and then 'olitely asked me to stand and lower my under'ants% 9ifty years earlier, Dr% hilobosian had made his li)ing treating 2ttoman ladies in &myrna% ro'riety was an old habit with him% !y mind was not fu((y, as it had been u' in etoskey% I was fully aware of what was ha''ening and where the focus of medical scrutiny lay% "fter I had 'ulled my 'anties down to my knees, a hot wa)e of embarrassment swe't through me and by refle3 I co)ered myself with my hand% Dr% hilobosian, not entirely gently, mo)ed this aside% 4here was something of the im'atience of the old in this% 7e forgot himself momentarily, and behind his a)iator lenses his eyes glared% &till, he didn+t look down at me% 7e ga(ed gallantly off at the far wall while feeling for information with his hands% Ae were as close as dancing% Dr% hil+s breathing was noisy; his hands shook% I glanced down myself only once% !y embarrassment had retracted me% 9rom my angle I was a

C$5

girl again, white belly, dark triangle, foreshortened legs sha)ed smooth% !y brassiere was bandoliered across my chest% It took only a minute% 4he old "rmenian, crouching, li(ard/backed, ran his yellowed fingers o)er my 'arts% It was no sur'rise that Dr% hilobosian had ne)er noticed anything% ?)en now, alerted to the 'ossibility, he didn+t seem to want to know% ,Jou can get dressed now,1 was all he said% 7e turned and walked )ery carefully to the sink% 7e turned on the water and thrust his hands into the stream% 4hey seemed to be trembling more than e)er% *iberally he s@uirted out the antibacterial soa'% ,&ay hello to your dad,1 he said before I left the room% Dr% hil referred me to an endocrinologist at 7enry 9ord 7os'ital% 4he endocrinologist ta''ed a )ein in my arm, filling an alarming number of )ials with my blood% Ahy all this blood was needed he didn+t say% I was too frightened to ask% 4hat night, howe)er, I 'ut my ear to my bedroom wall in ho'es of finding out what was going on% ,&o what did the doctor sayD1 !ilton was asking% ,7e said Dr% hil should ha)e noticed when 6allie was born,1 4essie answered% ,4his whole thing could ha)e been fi3ed back then%1 "nd then !ilton again: ,I can+t belie)e he+d miss something like that%1 8,*ike whatD1 I silently asked the wall, but it didn+t s'ecify%: 4hree days later we arri)ed in Hew Jork% !ilton had booked us into a hotel called the *ochmoor in the ?ast 4hirties% 7e had stayed there twenty/three years earlier as a na)y ensign% "lways a thrifty tra)eler, !ilton was also encouraged by the room rates% 2ur stay in Hew Jork was o'en/ended% 4he doctor !ilton had s'oken to<the s'ecialist<refused to discuss details before he+d had a chance to e3amine me% ,Jou+ll like it,1 !ilton assured us% ,It+s 'retty swank, as I remember%1 It was not% Ae arri)ed from *a -uardia in a ta3i to find the *ochmoor fallen from its former glory% 4he desk clerk and cashier worked behind bullet'roof glass% 4he Oiennese car'eting was wet beneath the dri''ing radiators and the mirrors had been remo)ed, lea)ing ghostly rectangles of 'laster and ornamental screws% 4he ele)ator was 'rewar, with gilded, cur)ing bars like a birdcage% 2nce u'on a time, there had been an o'erator; no longer% Ae crammed our suitcases into the small s'ace and I slid the gate closed% It ke't coming off its track% I had to do it three times before the electrical current would flow% 9inally the contra'tion rose and through the s'ray/'ainted bars we watched the floors 'ass by, each dim and identical e3ce't for the )ariation of a maid in uniform, or a room ser)ice tray outside a door, or a 'air of shoes% &till, there was a feeling of ascension in that old bo3, of rising u' out of a 'it, and it was a letdown to get to our floor, number eight, and find it Bust as drab as the lobby% 2ur room had been car)ed out of a once/bigger suite% How the angles of the walls were skewed% ?)en 4essie, 'int/si(ed, felt constricted% 9or some reason the bathroom was nearly as large as the bedroom% 4he toilet stood stranded on loose tiles and ran continuously% 4he tub had a skid mark where the water drained out% 4here was a @ueen/si(e bed for my 'arents and, in the corner, a cot set u' for me% I hauled my suitcase u' onto it% !y suitcase was a bone of contention between 4essie and me% &he had 'icked it out for me before our tri' to 4urkey% It had a floral 'attern of tur@uoise and green blossoms which I found hideous% &ince going off to 'ri)ate school< and hanging around the 2bBect<my tastes had been changing, becoming refined, I thought% oor 4essie no longer knew what to buy me% "nything she chose was greeted by wails of horror% I was adamantly o''osed to anything synthetic or with )isible stitching% !y 'arents found my new urge for 'urity amusing% 2ften my father would

C$9

rub my shirt between his thumb and fingers and ask, ,Is this 're''yD1 Aith the suitcase 4essie had had no time to consult me, and so there it was, bearing a design like a 'lace mat+s% ;n(i''ing the suitcase and fli''ing it o'en, I felt better% Inside were all the clothes I+d chosen myself: the crew neck sweaters in 'rimary colors, the *acoste shirts, the wide/wale corduroys% !y coat was from a'agallo, lime green with horn/sha'ed buttons made from bone% ,Do we ha)e to un'ack or can we lea)e e)erything in our suitcasesD1 I asked% ,Ae better un'ack and 'ut our suitcases in the closet,1 !ilton answered% ,-i)e us a little more room in here%1 I 'ut my sweaters neatly in the dresser drawers, my socks and under'ants, too, and hung my 'ants u'% I took my toiletry case into the bathroom and 'ut it on the shelf% I had brought li' gloss and 'erfume with me% I wasn+t certain that they were obsolete% I closed the bathroom door, locked it, and bent close to the mirror to e3amine my face% 4wo dark hairs, still short, were )isible abo)e my u''er li'% I got twee(ers out of my case and 'lucked them% 4his made my eyes water% !y clothes felt tight% 4he slee)es of my sweater were too short% I combed my hair and, o'timistically, des'erately, smiled at myself% I knew that my situation, whate)er it was, was a crisis of some kind% I could tell that from my 'arents+ false, cheery beha)ior and from our s'eedy e3it from home% &till, no one had said a word to me yet% !ilton and 4essie were treating me e3actly as they always had<as their daughter, in other words% 4hey acted as though my 'roblem was medical and therefore fi3able% &o I began to ho'e so, too% *ike a 'erson with a terminal illness, I was eager to ignore the immediate sym'toms, ho'ing for a last/minute cure% I )eered back and forth between ho'e and its o''osite, a growing certainty that something terrible was wrong with me% =ut nothing made me more des'erate than looking in the mirror% I o'ened the door and ste''ed back into the room% ,I hate this hotel,1 I said% ,It+s gross%1 ,It+s not too nice,1 4essie agreed% ,It used to be nicer,1 said !ilton% ,I don+t understand what ha''ened%1 ,4he car'et smells%1 ,*et+s o'en a window%1 ,!aybe we won+t ha)e to be here that long,1 4essie said, ho'efully, wearily% In the e)ening we )entured outside, looking for something to eat, and then returned to the room to watch 4O% *ater, after we switched off the lights, I asked from my cot, ,Ahat are we doing tomorrowD1 ,Ae ha)e to go the doctor+s in the morning,1 said 4essie% ,"fter that we ha)e to see about some =roadway tickets,1 said !ilton% ,Ahat do you want to see, 6alD1 ,I don+t care,1 I said gloomily% ,I think we should see a musical,1 said 4essie% ,I saw ?thel !erman in Mame once,1 !ilton recalled% ,&he came down this big, long staircase, singing% Ahen she finished, the 'lace went wild% &he sto''ed the show% &o she Bust went right back u' the staircase and sang the song o)er again%1 ,Aould you like to see a musical, 6allieD1 ,Ahate)er%1 ,Damnedest thing I e)er saw,1 said !ilton% ,4hat ?thel !erman can really belt it out%1

C.0

Ho one s'oke after that% Ae lay in the dark, in our strange beds, until we fell aslee'% 4he ne3t morning after breakfast we set off to see the s'ecialist% !y 'arents tried to seem e3cited as we left the hotel, 'ointing out sights from the ta3i window% !ilton e3uded the boisterousness he reser)ed for all difficult situations% ,4his is some 'lace,1 he said as we dro)e u' to Hew Jork 7os'ital% ,0i)er )iew> I might Bust check myself in%1 *ike any teenager, I was largely obli)ious to the clumsy figure I cut% !y stork mo)ements, my fla''ing arms, my long legs kicking out my undersi(ed feet in their fawn/colored Aallabees<all that machinery clanked beneath the obser)ation tower of my head, and I was too close to see it% !y 'arents did% It 'ained them to watch me ad)ance across the sidewalk toward the hos'ital entrance% It was terrifying to see your child in the gri' of unknown forces% 9or a year now they had been denying how I was changing, 'utting it down to the awkward age% ,&he+ll grow out of it,1 !ilton was always telling my mother% =ut now they were sei(ed with a fear that I was growing out of control% Ae found the ele)ator and rode u' to the fourth floor, then followed the arrows to something called the sychohormonal ;nit% !ilton had the office number written out on a card% 9inally we found the right room% 4he gray door was unmarked e3ce't for an e3tremely small, unobtrusi)e sign halfway down that read:

Sexual 'isorders and 4ender !dentity -linic

If my 'arents saw the sign, they 'retended not to% !ilton lowered his head, bull/like, and 'ushed the door o'en% 4he rece'tionist welcomed us and told us to ha)e a seat% 4he waiting room was une3ce'tional% 6hairs lined the walls, di)ided e)enly by maga(ine tables, and there was the usual rubber tree e3'iring in the corner% 4he car'eting was institutional, with a hectic, stain/camouflaging 'attern% 4here was e)en a reassuringly medicinal smell in the air% "fter my mother filled out the insurance forms, we were shown into the doctor+s office% 4his, too, ins'ired confidence% "n ?ames chair stood behind the desk% =y the window was a *e 6orbusier chaise, made of chrome and cowhide% 4he bookshel)es were filled with medical books and Bournals and the walls tastefully hung with art% =ig/city so'histication attuned to a ?uro'ean sensibility% 4he surround of a trium'hant 'sychoanalytic world/)iew% Hot to mention the ?ast 0i)er )iew out the windows% Ae were a long way from Dr% hil+s office with its amateur oils and !edicaid cases% It was two or three minutes before we noticed anything out of the ordinary% "t first the curios and etchings had blended in with the scholarly clutter of the office% =ut as we sat waiting for the doctor, we became aware of a silent commotion all around us% It was like staring at the ground and reali(ing, suddenly, that it is swarming with ants% 4he restful doctor+s office was churning with acti)ity% 4he 'a'erweight on his desk, for instance, was not a sim'le, inert rock but a tiny 'ria'us car)ed from stone% 4he miniatures on the walls re)ealed their subBect matter under closer obser)ation% =eneath yellow silk tents, on 'aisley 'illows, !ughal 'rinces acrobatically co'ulated with

C.1

multi'le 'artners, kee'ing their turbans in 'lace% 4essie blushed, looking; while !ilton s@uinted; and I hid inside my hair as usual% Ae tried to look some'lace else and so looked at the bookshel)es% =ut here it wasn+t safe either% "mid a dulling surround of issues of J#M# and !he 8ew England Journal of Medicine were some eye/'o''ing titles% 2ne, with entwining snakes on the s'ine, was called Erotose>ual Pair onding. 4here was a 'ur'le, 'am'hlety thing entitled Aituali0ed Homose>uality= !hree Field "tudies. 2n the desk itself, with a bookmark in it, was a manual called HapD Penis= "urgical !echniEues in FemaleD toD Male "e> Aeassignment. If the sign on the front door hadn+t already, *uce+s office made it clear Bust what kind of s'ecialist my 'arents had brought me to see% 8"nd, worse, to see me%: 4here were scul'tures, too% 0e'roductions from the tem'le at QuBaraho occu'ied corners of the room along with huge Bade 'lants% "gainst the wa3y green foliage, melon/breasted 7indu women bent o)er double, offering u' orifices like 'rayers to the well/endowed men who answered them% "n o)erloaded switchboard, a dirty game of 4wister e)erywhere you turned% ,Aill you look at this 'laceD1 4essie whis'ered% ,&ort of unusual decor,1 said !ilton% "nd I: ,Ahat are we doing hereD1 It was right then that the door o'ened and Dr% *uce 'resented himself% "t that stage, I didn+t know about his glamour status in the field% I had no idea of the fre@uency with which *uce+s name a''eared in the rele)ant Bournals and 'a'ers% =ut I saw right away that *uce wasn+t your normal/looking doctor% Instead of a medical coat he wore a suede )est with fringe% &il)er hair touched the collar of his beige turtleneck% 7is 'ants were flared and on his feet were a 'air of ankle boots with (i''ers on the sides% 7e had eyeglasses, too, sil)er wire/rims, and a gray mustache% ,Aelcome to Hew Jork,1 he said% ,I+m Dr% *uce%1 7e shook my father+s hand, then my mother+s, and finally came to me% ,Jou must be 6allio'e%1 7e was smiling, rela3ed% ,*et+s see if I can remember my mythology% 6allio'e was one of the !uses, rightD1 ,0ight%1 ,In charge of whatD1 ,?'ic 'oetry%1 ,Jou can+t beat that,1 said *uce% 7e was trying to act casual, but I could see he was e3cited% I was an e3traordinary case, after all% 7e was taking his time, sa)oring me% 4o a scientist like *uce I was nothing less than a se3ual or genetic Qas'ar 7auser% 4here he was, a famous se3ologist, a guest on 1ick -a,ett , a regular contributor to Play$oy , and suddenly on his doorste', arri)ing out of the woods of Detroit like the Aild =oy of ")eyron, was me, 6allio'e &te'hanides, age fourteen% I was a li)ing e3'eriment dressed in white corduroys and a 9air Isle sweater% 4his sweater, 'ale yellow, with a floral wreath at the neck, told *uce that I refuted nature in Bust the way his theory 'redicted% 7e must ha)e hardly been able to contain himself, meeting me% 7e was a brilliant, charming, work/obsessed man, and watched me from behind his desk with keen eyes% Ahile he chatted, s'eaking 'rimarily to my 'arents, gaining their confidence, *uce was ne)ertheless making mental notes% 7e registered my tenor )oice% 7e noted that I sat with one leg tucked under me% 7e watched how I e3amined my nails, curling my fingers into my 'alm% 7e 'aid attention to the way I coughed, laughed, scratched my head, s'oke; in sum, all the e3ternal manifestations of what he called my gender identity% 7e ke't u' the calm manner, as if I had come to the 6linic with nothing more

C.C

than a s'rained ankle% ,4he first thing I+d like to do is gi)e 6allio'e a short e3amination% If you+d care to wait here in my office, !r% and !rs% &te'hanides%1 7e stood u'% ,Aould you come with me 'lease, 6allio'eD1 I got u' from my chair% *uce watched as the )arious segments, like those of a colla'sible ruler, unfolded themsel)es, and I attained my full height, an inch taller than he was himself% ,Ae+ll be right here, honey,1 4essie said% ,Ae+re not going anywhere,1 said !ilton% eter *uce was considered the world+s leading authority on human herma'hroditism% 4he &e3ual Disorders and -ender Identity 6linic, which he founded in 1965, had become the foremost facility in the world for the study and treatment of conditions of ambiguous gender% 7e was the author of a maBor se3ological work, !he 3racular @ul,a, which was standard in a )ariety of disci'lines ranging from genetics and 'ediatrics to 'sychology% 7e had written a column by the same name for Play$oy from "ugust 19#C to December 19#E in which the conceit was that a 'ersonified and all/knowing female 'udendum answered the @ueries of male readers with witty and sometimes sibylline res'onses% 7ugh 7efner had come across eter *uce+s name in the 'a'ers in connection with a demonstration for se3ual freedom% &i3 6olumbia students had staged an orgy in a tent on the main green, which the co's broke u', and when asked what he thought about such acti)ity on cam'us, rof% eter *uce, $6, had been @uoted as saying, ,I+m in fa)or of orgies where)er they ha''en%1 4hat caught 7ef+s eye% Hot wanting to re'licate ]a)iera 7ollander+s ,6all !e !adam1 column in Penthouse , 7efner saw *uce+s contribution as being de)oted to the scientific and historical side of se3% 4hus, in her first three issues, the 2racular Oul)a deli)ered dis@uisitions on the erotic art of the Ja'anese 'ainter 7iroshi Jamamoto, the e'idemiology of sy'hilis, and the se3 life of &t% "ugustine% 4he column 'ro)ed 'o'ular, though intelligent @ueries were always hard to come by, the readershi' being more interested in the , layboy "d)isor1 Ls cunnilingus ti's or remedies for 'remature eBaculation% 9inally, 7efner told *uce to write his own @uestions, which he was only too glad to do% eter *uce had a''eared on Phil 1onahue along with two herma'hrodites and a transse3ual to discuss both the medical and 'sychological as'ects of these conditions% 2n that 'rogram, hil Donahue said, ,*ynn 7arris was born and raised a girl% Jou won the !iss Hew'ort =each 6ontest in 196$ in good old 2range 6ounty, 6aliforniaD =oy, wait till they hear this% Jou li)ed as a woman to the age of twenty/nine and then you switched to li)ing as a man% 7e has the anatomical characteristics of both a man and a woman% If I+m lyin+, I+m dyin+%1 7e also said, ,7ere+s what+s not so funny% 4hese li)e, irre'laceable sons and daughters of -od, human beings all, want you to know, among other things, that that+s e3actly what they are, human beings%1 =ecause of certain genetic and hormonal conditions, it was sometimes )ery difficult to determine the se3 of a newborn baby% 6onfronted with such a child, the &'artans had left the infant on a rocky hillside to die% *uce+s own forebears, the ?nglish, didn+t e)en like to mention the subBect, and might ne)er ha)e done so had the nuisance of mysterious genitalia not thrown a wrench into the smooth workings of inheritance law% *ord 6oke, the great =ritish Burist of the se)enteenth century, tried to clear u' the matter of who would get the landed estates by declaring that a 'erson should ,be either male or female, and it shall succeed according to the kind of se3

C.E

which doth 're)ail%1 2f course, he didn+t s'ecify any 'recise method for determining which se3 did 're)ail% 9or most of the twentieth century, medicine had been using the same 'rimiti)e diagnostic criterion of se3 formulated by Qlebs way back in 15#6% Qlebs had maintained that a 'erson+s gonads determined se3% In cases of ambiguous gender, you looked at the gonadal tissue under the microsco'e% If it was testicular, the 'erson was male; if o)arian, female% 4he hunch here was that a 'erson+s gonads would orchestrate se3ual de)elo'ment, es'ecially at 'uberty% =ut it turned out to be more com'licated than that% Qlebs had begun the task, but the world had to wait another hundred years for eter *uce to come along and finish it% In 19.., *uce 'ublished an article called ,!any 0oads *ead to 0ome: &e3ual 6once'ts of 7uman 7erma'hroditism%1 In twenty/fi)e 'ages of forthright, high/toned 'rose, *uce argued that gender is determined by a )ariety of influences: chromosomal se3; gonadal se3; hormones; internal genital structures; e3ternal genitals; and, most im'ortant, the se3 of rearing% Drawing on studies of 'atients at the 'ediatric endocrine clinic at Hew Jork 7os'ital, *uce was able to com'ile charts demonstrating how these )arious factors came into 'lay, and showing that a 'atient+s gonadal se3 often didn+t determine his or her gender identity% 4he article made a big s'lash% Aithin months, 'retty much e)eryone had gi)en u' Qlebs+s criterion for *uce+s criteri a % 2n the strength of this success, *uce was gi)en the o''ortunity to o'en the sychohormonal ;nit at Hew Jork 7os'ital% In those days he saw mostly kids with adrenogenital syndrome, the most common form of female herma'hroditism% 4he hormone cortisol, recently synthesi(ed in the lab, had been found to arrest the )irili(ation these girls normally underwent, allowing them to de)elo' as normal females% 4he endocrinologists administered the cortisol and *uce o)ersaw the girls+ 'sychose3ual de)elo'ment% 7e learned a lot% In a decade of solid, original research, *uce made his second great disco)ery: that gender identity is established )ery early on in life, about the age of two% -ender was like a nati)e tongue; it didn+t e3ist before birth but was im'rinted in the brain during childhood, ne)er disa''earing% 6hildren learn to s'eak !ale or 9emale the way they learn to s'eak ?nglish or 9rench% 7e 'ublished this theory in 196#, in an article in the !he 8ew England Journal of Medicine entitled ,?arly ?stablishment of -ender Identity: 4he 4erminal 4wos%1 "fter that, his re'utation reached the stratos'here% 4he funding flowed in, from the 0ockefeller 9oundation, the 9ord 9oundation, and the H%I%&% It was a great time to be a se3ologist% 4he &e3ual 0e)olution 'ro)ided new o''ortunities for the enter'rising se3 researcher% It was a matter of national interest, for a few years there, to e3amine the mechanics of the female orgasm% 2r to 'lumb the 'sychological reasons why certain men e3hibited themsel)es on the street% In 1965, Dr% *uce o'ened the &e3ual Disorders and -ender Identity 6linic% *uce treated e)erybody: the webbed/necked girl teens with 4urner+s syndrome, who had only one se3 chromosome, a lonely ]; the leggy beauties with "ndrogen Insensiti)ity; or the ]JJ boys, who tended to be dreamers and loners% Ahen babies with ambiguous genitalia were born at the hos'ital, Dr% *uce was called in to discuss the matter with the bewildered 'arents% *uce got the transse3uals, too% ?)eryone came to the 6linic, with the result that *uce had at his dis'osal a body of research material<of li)ing, breathing s'ecimens<no scientist had e)er had before% "nd now *uce had me% In the e3amination room, he told me to get undressed and 'ut on a 'a'er gown% "fter taking some blood 8only one )ial, thankfully:, he had me lie down on a table with my legs u' in stirru's% 4here was a 'ale green curtain, the same color as my gown, that could be 'ulled across the table, di)iding my u''er and lower

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hal)es% *uce didn+t close it that first day% 2nly later, when there was an audience% ,4his shouldn+t hurt but it might feel a little funny%1 I stared u' at the ring light on the ceiling% *uce had another light on a stand, which he angled to suit his 'ur'oses% I could feel its heat between my legs as he 'ressed and 'rodded me% 9or the first few minutes I concentrated on the circular light, but finally, drawing in my chin, I looked down to see that *uce was holding the crocus between his thumb and forefinger% 7e was stretching it out with one hand while measuring it with the other% 4hen he let go of the ruler and made notes% 7e didn+t look shocked or a''alled% In fact he e3amined me with great curiosity, almost connoisseurshi'% 4here was an element of awe or a''reciation in his face% 7e took notes as he 'roceeded but made no small talk% 7is concentration was intense% "fter a while, still crouching between my legs, *uce turned his head to search for another instrument% =etween the sight lines of my raised knees his ear a''eared, an ama(ing organ all its own, whorled and flanged, translucent in the bright lights% 7is ear was )ery close to me% It seemed for a moment as though *uce were listening at my source% "s though some riddle were being im'arted to him from between my legs% =ut then he found what he had been looking for and turned back% 7e began to 'robe inside% ,0ela3,1 he said% 7e a''lied a lubricant, huddled in closer% ,0e la> %1 4here was a hint of annoyance, of command in his )oice% I took a dee' breath and did the best I could% *uce 'oked inside% 9or a moment it felt merely strange, as he+d suggested% =ut then a shar' 'ain shot through me% I Berked back, crying out% ,&orry%1 He)ertheless, he ke't on% 7e 'laced one hand on my 'el)is to steady me% 7e 'robed in farther, though he a)oided the 'ainful area% !y eyes were welling with tears% ,"lmost finished,1 he said% =ut he was only getting started% 4he chief im'erati)e in cases like mine was to show no doubt as to the gender of the child in @uestion% Jou did not tell the 'arents of a newborn, ,Jour baby is a herma'hrodite%1 Instead, you said, ,Jour daughter was born with a clitoris that is a little larger than a normal girl+s% Ae+ll need to do surgery to make it the right si(e%1 *uce felt that 'arents weren+t able to co'e with an ambiguous gender assignment% Jou had to tell them if they had a boy or a girl% Ahich meant that, before you said anything, you had to be sure what the 're)ailing gender was% *uce could not do this with me yet% 7e had recei)ed the results of the endocrinological tests 'erformed at 7enry 9ord 7os'ital, and so knew of my ]J karyoty'e, my high 'lasma testosterone le)els, and the absence in my blood of dihydrotestosterone% In other words, before e)en seeing me, *uce was able to make an educated guess that I was a male 'seudoherma'hrodite<genetically male but a''earing otherwise, with ./al'ha/reductase deficiency syndrome% =ut that, according to *uce+s thinking, did not mean that I had a male gender identity% !y being a teenager com'licated things% In addition to chromosomal and hormonal factors, *uce had to consider my se3 of rearing, which had been female % 7e sus'ected that the tissue mass he had 'al'ated inside me was testicular% &till, he couldn+t be sure until he had looked at a sam'le under a microsco'e%

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"ll this must ha)e been going through *uce+s mind as he brought me back to the waiting room% 7e told me he wanted to s'eak to my 'arents and that he would send them out when he was finished% 7is intensity had lessened and he was friendly again, smiling and 'atting me on the back% In his office *uce sat down in his ?ames chair, looked u' at !ilton and 4essie, and adBusted his glasses% ,!r% &te'hanides, !rs% &te'hanides, I+ll be frank% 4his is a com'licated case% =y com'licated I don+t mean irremediable% Ae ha)e a range of effecti)e treatments for cases of this kind% =ut before I+m ready to begin treatment there are a number of @uestions I ha)e to answer%1 !y mother and father were sitting only a foot a'art during this s'eech, but each heard something different% !ilton heard the words that were there% 7e heard ,treatment1 and ,effecti)e%1 4essie, on the other hand, heard the words that weren+t there% 4he doctor hadn+t said my name, for instance% 7e hadn+t said ,6allio'e1 or ,6allie%1 7e hadn+t said ,daughter,1 either% 7e didn+t use any 'ronouns at all% ,I+ll need to run further tests,1 *uce was continuing% ,I+ll need to 'erform a com'lete 'sychological assessment% 2nce I ha)e the necessary information, then we can discuss in detail the 'ro'er course of treatment%1 !ilton was already nodding% ,Ahat kind of time line are we talking about, DoctorD1 *uce Butted out a thoughtful lower li'% ,I want to redo the lab tests, Bust to be sure% 4hose results will be back tomorrow% 4he 'sychological e)aluation will take longer% I+ll need to see your child e)ery day for at least a week, maybe two% "lso it would be hel'ful if you could gi)e me any childhood 'hotogra'hs or family mo)ies you might ha)e%1 !ilton turned to 4essie% ,Ahen does 6allie start schoolD1 4essie didn+t hear him% &he was distracted by *uce+s 'hrase: ,your child%1 ,Ahat kind of information are you trying to get, DoctorD1 4essie asked% ,4he blood tests will tell us hormone le)els% 4he 'sychological assessment is routine in cases like this%1 ,Jou think it+s some kind of hormone thingD1 !ilton asked% ," hormone imbalanceD1 ,Ae+ll know after I+)e had time to do what I need to do,1 said *uce% !ilton stood u' and shook hands with the doctor% 4he consultation was o)er% Qee' in mind: neither !ilton nor 4essie had seen me undressed for years% 7ow were they to knowD "nd not knowing, how could they imagineD 4he information a)ailable to them was all secondary stuff<my husky )oice, my flat chest<but these things were far from 'ersuasi)e% " hormonal thing% It could ha)e been no more serious than that% &o my father belie)ed, or wanted to belie)e, and so he tried to con)ince 4essie% I had my own resistance% ,Ahy does he ha)e to do a 'sychological e)aluationD1 I asked% ,It+s not like I+m cra(y%1 ,4he doctor said it was routine%1 ,=ut whyD1 Aith this @uestion I had hit u'on the cru3 of the matter% !y mother has since told me that she intuited the real reason for the 'sychological assessment, but chose not to dwell on it% 2r, rather, didn+t choose% *et !ilton choose for her% !ilton 'referred to treat the 'roblem 'ragmatically% 4here was no sense in worrying about a 'sychological

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assessment that could only confirm what was ob)ious: that I was a normal, well/adBusted girl% ,7e 'robably bills the insurance e3tra for the 'sychological stuff,1 !ilton said% ,&orry, 6al, but you+ll ha)e to 'ut u' with it% !aybe he can cure your neuroses% -ot any neurosesD How+s your time to let +em out%1 7e 'ut his arms around me, s@uee(ed hard, and roughly kissed the side of my head% !ilton was so con)inced that e)erything was going to be okay that on 4uesday morning he flew down to 9lorida on business% ,Ho sense cooling my heels in this hotel,1 he told us% ,Jou Bust want to get out of this 'it,1 I said% ,I+ll make it u' to you% Ahy don+t you and your mother go out for a fancy dinner tonight% "ny'lace you want% Ae+re sa)ing a cou'le bucks on this room, so you gals can s'lurge% Ahy don+t you take 6allie to Delmonico+s, 4ess%1 ,Ahat+s Delmonico+sD1 I asked% ,It+s a steak Boint%1 ,I want lobster% "nd baked "laska,1 I said% ,=aked "laska> !aybe they ha)e that, too%1 !ilton left, and my mother and I tried to s'end his money% Ae went sho''ing at =loomingdale+s% Ae had high tea at the la(a% Ae ne)er made it to Delmonico+s, 'referring a moderately 'riced Italian restaurant near the *ochmoor, where we felt more comfortable% Ae ate there e)ery night, doing our best to 'retend we were on a real tri', a )acation% 4essie drank more wine than usual and got ti'sy, and when she went to the bathroom I drank her wine myself% Hormally the most e3'ressi)e thing about my mother+s face was the ga' between her front teeth% Ahen she was listening to me, 4essie+s tongue often 'ressed against that di)ot, that gate% 4his was the signal of her attention% !y mother always 'aid great attention to whate)er I said% "nd if I told her something funny, then her tongue dro''ed away, her head fell back, her mouth o'ened wide, and there were her front teeth, ri)en and ascendant% ?)ery night at the Italian restaurant I tried to make this ha''en% In the mornings, 4essie took me to the 6linic for my a''ointments% ,Ahat are your hobbies, 6allieD1 ,7obbiesD1 ,Is there anything you es'ecially like to doD1 ,I+m not really a hobby/ty'e 'erson%1 ,Ahat about s'ortsD Do you like any s'ortsD1 ,Does ing/ ong countD1 ,I+ll 'ut it down%1 *uce smiled from behind his desk% I was on the *e 6orbusier daybed across the room, lounging on the cowhide% ,Ahat about boysD1 ,Ahat about themD1 ,Is there a boy at school you likeD1 ,I guess you+)e ne)er been to my school, Doctor%1 7e checked his file% ,2h, it+s a girls+ school, isn+t itD1 ,Ju'%1 ,"re you se3ually attracted to girlsD1 *uce said this @uickly% It was like a ta' from a rubber hammer% =ut I stifled my refle3% 7e 'ut down his 'en and knit his fingers together% 7e leaned forward and s'oke softly% ,I want you to know that this is all between us, 6allie% I+m not going to tell your

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'arents anything that you tell me here%1 I was torn% *uce in his leather chair, with his longish hair and ankle boots, was the kind of adult a kid might o'en u' to% 7e was as old as my father but in league with the younger generation% I longed to tell him about the 2bBect% I longed to tell somebody, anybody% !y feelings for her were still so strong they rushed u' my throat% =ut I held them back, wary% I didn+t belie)e this was all 'ri)ate% ,Jour mother says you ha)e a close relationshi' with a friend of yours,1 *uce began again% 7e said the 2bBect+s name% ,Do you feel se3ually attracted to herD 2r ha)e you had se3ual relations with herD1 ,Ae+re Bust friends,1 I insisted, a little too loudly% I tried again in a @uieter )oice% ,&he+s my best friend%1 In res'onse *uce+s right eyebrow rose from behind his glasses% It came out of hiding as though it, too, wanted to get a good look at me% "nd then I found a way out: ,I had se3 with her brother,1 I confessed% ,7e+s a Bunior%1 "gain *uce showed neither sur'rise, disa''ro)al, or interest% 7e made a note on his 'ad, nodding once% ,"nd did you enBoy itD1 7ere I could tell the truth% ,It hurt,1 I said% , lus I was scared about getting 'regnant%1 *uce smiled to himself, Botting in his notebook% ,Hot to worry,1 he said% 4hat was how it went% ?)ery day for an hour I sat in *uce+s office and talked about my life, my feelings, my likes and dislikes% *uce asked all kinds of @uestions% 4he answers I ga)e were sometimes not as im'ortant as the way I answered them% 7e watched my facial e3'ressions; he noted my style of argument% 9emales tend to smile at their interlocutors more than males do% 9emales 'ause and look for signs of agreement before continuing% !ales Bust look into the middle distance and hold forth% Aomen 'refer the anecdotal, men the deducti)e% It was im'ossible to be in *uce+s line of work without falling back on such stereoty'es% 7e knew their limitations% =ut they were clinically useful% Ahen I wasn+t being @uestioned about my life and feelings, I was writing about them% !ost days I sat ty'ing u' what *uce called my , sychological Harrati)e%1 4hat early autobiogra'hy didn+t begin: ,I was born twice%1 9lashy, rhetorical o'enings were something I had to get the hang of% It started sim'ly, with the words ,!y name is 6allio'e &te'hanides% I am fourteen years old% -oing on fifteen%1 I began with the facts and followed them as long as I could% &ing, !use, how cunning 6allio'e wrote on that battered &mith 6orona> &ing how the ty'ewriter hummed and trembled at her 'sychiatric re)elations> &ing of its two cartridges, one for ty'ing and one for correcting, that so elo@uently re'resented her 'redicament, 'oised between the 'rint of genetics and the Aite/2ut of surgery% &ing of the weird smell the ty'ewriter ga)e off, like AD/$0 and salami, and of the Day/-lo flower decal the last 'erson who+d used it had a''lied, and of the broken 9 key, which stuck% 2n that newfangled but soon/to/be obsolete machine I wrote not so much like a kid from the !idwest as a minister+s daughter from &hro'shire% I still ha)e a co'y of my 'sychological narrati)e somewhere% *uce 'ublished it in his collected works, omitting my name% ,I would like to tell of my life,1 it runs at one 'oint, ,and of the e3'eriences that make myriad my Boys and sorrows u'on this 'lanet we call ?arth%1 In describing my mother, I say, ,7er beauty is the kind which seems to be thrown into relief by grief%1 " few 'ages on there comes the subheading ,6alumnies 6austic and 6atty by 6allie%1 7alf the time I wrote like bad -eorge ?liot, the other half like bad

C.5

&alinger% ,If there+s one thing I hate it+s tele)ision%1 Hot true: I lo)ed tele)ision> =ut on that &mith 6orona I @uickly disco)ered that telling the truth wasn+t nearly as much fun as making things u'% I also knew that I was writing for an audience<Dr% *uce<and that if I seemed normal enough, he might send me back home% 4his e3'lains the 'assages about my lo)e of cats 8,feline affection1:, the 'ie reci'es, and my dee' feelings for nature% *uce ate it all u'% It+s true; I ha)e to gi)e credit where credit+s due% *uce was the first 'erson to encourage my writing% ?)ery night he read through what I had ty'ed u' during the day% 7e didn+t know, of course, that I was making u' most of what I wrote, 'retending to be the all/"merican daughter my 'arents wanted me to be% I fictionali(ed early ,se3 'lay1 and later crushes on boys; I transferred my feeling for the 2bBect onto Jerome and it was ama(ing how it worked: the tiniest bit of truth made credible the greatest lies% *uce was interested in the gender gi)eaways of my 'rose, of course% 7e measured my :ouissance against my linearity% 7e 'icked u' on my Oictorian flourishes, my anti@ue diction, my girls+ school 'ro'riety% 4hese all weighed hea)ily in his final assessment% 4here was also the diagnostic tool of 'ornogra'hy% 2ne afternoon when I arri)ed for my session with Dr% *uce, there was a mo)ie 'roBector in his office% " screen had been set u' before the bookcase, and the blinds drawn% In syru'y light *uce was feeding the celluloid through the s'rocket wheel% ,"re you going to show me my dad+s mo)ie againD 9rom when I was littleD1 ,4oday I+)e got something a little different,1 said *uce% I took u' my customary 'osition on the chaise, my arms folded behind me on the cowhide% Dr% *uce switched off the lights and soon the mo)ie began% It was about a 'i((a deli)ery girl% 4he title was, in fact, #nnie 1eli,ers to Your 1oor. In the first scene, "nnie, wearing cutoffs and a midriff/re)ealing, ?llie/!ay blouse, gets out of her car before an oceanside house% &he rings the bell% Ho one is at home% Hot wanting the 'i((a to go to waste, she sits down ne3t to the 'ool and begins to eat% 4he 'roduction )alues were low% 4he 'ool boy, when he arri)ed, was badly lit% It was hard to hear what he was saying% =ut soon enough he was no longer saying anything% "nnie had begun to remo)e her clothes% &he was down on her knees% 4he 'ool boy was naked, too, and then they were on the ste's, in the 'ool, on the di)ing board, 'um'ing, writhing% I closed my eyes% I didn+t like the raw meat colors of the film% It wasn+t at all beautiful like the tiny 'aintings in *uce+s office% In a straightforward )oice *uce asked from the darkness, ,Ahich one turns you onD1 ,?3cuse meD1 ,Ahich one turns you onD 4he woman or the manD1 4he true answer was neither% =ut truth would not do% &ticking to my co)er story, I managed to get out, )ery @uietly, ,4he boy%1 ,4he 'ool boyD 4hat+s good% I dig the 'i((a girl myself% &he+s got a great bod%1 " sheltered child once, from a reser)ed resbyterian home, *uce was now liberated, free of antise3ualism% ,&he+s got incredible tits,1 he said% ,Jou like her titsD Do they turn you onD1 ,Ho%1 ,4he guy+s cock turns you onD1

C.9

I nodded, barely, wishing it would be o)er% =ut it was not o)er for a while yet% "nnie had other 'i((as to deli)er% *uce wanted to watch each one% &ometimes he brought other doctors to see me% " ty'ical un)eiling went as follows% I was summoned from my writing studio in the back of the 6linic% In *uce+s office two men in business suits were waiting% 4hey stood when I came in% *uce made introductions% ,6allie, I want to you meet Dr% 6raig and Dr% Ainters%1 4he doctors shook my hand% It was their first bit of data: my handshake% Dr% 6raig s@uee(ed hard, Ainters less so% 4hey were careful about not seeming too eager% *ike men meeting a fashion model, they trained their eyes away from my body and 'retended to be interested in me as a 'erson% *uce said, ,6allie+s been here at the 6linic for Bust about a week now%1 ,7ow do you like Hew JorkD1 asked Dr% 6raig% ,I+)e hardly seen it%1 4he doctors ga)e me sightseeing suggestions% 4he atmos'here was light, friendly% *uce 'ut his hand on the small of my back% !en ha)e an annoying way of doing that% 4hey touch your back as though there+s a handle there, and direct you where they want you to go% 2r they 'lace their hand on to' of your head, 'aternally% !en and their hands% Jou+)e got to watch them e)ery minute% *uce+s hand was now 'roclaiming: 7ere she is% !y star attraction% 4he terrible thing was that I res'onded to it; I liked the feel of *uce+s hand on my back% I liked the attention% 7ere were all these 'eo'le who wanted to meet me% retty soon *uce+s hand was escorting me down the hall into the e3amination room% I knew the drill% =ehind the screen I undressed while the doctors waited% 4he green 'a'er gown was folded on the chair% ,4he family comes from where, eterD1 ,4urkey% 2riginally%1 ,I+m only ac@uainted with the a'ua Hew -uinea study,1 said 6raig% ,"mong the &ambia, rightD1 asked Ainters% ,Jes, that+s right,1 *uce answered% ,4here+s a high incidence of the mutation there as well% 4he &ambia are interesting from a se3ological 'oint of )iew, too% 4hey 'ractice rituali(ed homose3uality% &ambia males consider contact with females highly 'olluting% &o they+)e organi(ed social structures to limit e3'osure as much as 'ossible% 4he men and boys slee' on one side of the )illage, the women and girls on the other side% 4he men go into the women+s longhouse only to 'rocreate% In and out% In fact, the &ambia word for L)agina+ translates literally as Lthat thing which is truly no good%+ 1 &oft chuckling came from the other side of the screen% I came out, feeling awkward% I was taller than e)eryone else in the room, though I weighed much less% 4he floor felt cold against my bare feet as I crossed to the e3am table and Bum'ed u'% I lay back% Aithout ha)ing to be told, I lifted my legs and fit my heels in the gynecological stirru's% 4he room had gone ominously silent% 4he three doctors came forward, staring down% 4heir heads formed a trinity abo)e me% *uce 'ulled the curtain across the table% 4hey bent o)er me, studying my 'arts, while *uce led a guided tour% I didn+t know what most of the words meant but after the third or fourth time I could recite the list by heart% ,!uscular habitus K no gynecomastia K hy'os'adias K urogenital sinus K blind )aginal 'ouch K1 4hese were my claim to fame% I didn+t feel famous, howe)er% In fact, behind the curtain, I no longer felt as if I were in the room%

C60

,7ow old is sheD1 Dr% Ainters asked% ,9ourteen,1 *uce answered% ,&he+ll be fifteen in January%1 ,&o your 'osition is that chromosomal status has been com'letely o)erridden by rearingD1 ,I think that+s 'retty clear%1 "s I lay there, letting *uce, in rubber glo)es, do what he had to do, I got a sense of things% *uce wanted to im'ress the men with the im'ortance of his work% 7e needed funding to kee' the clinic running% 4he surgery he 'erformed on transse3uals wasn+t a selling 'oint o)er at the !arch of Dimes% 4o get them interested you had to 'ull at the heartstrings% Jou had to 'ut a face on suffering% *uce was trying to do that with me% I was 'erfect, so 'olite, so midwestern% Ho unseemliness attached itself to me, no hint of cross/dresser bars or ads in the back of louche maga(ines% Dr% 6raig wasn+t con)inced% ,9ascinating case, eter% Ho @uestion% =ut my 'eo'le will want to know the a''lications%1 ,It+s a )ery rare condition,1 *uce admitted% ,?3ceedingly rare% =ut in terms of research, its im'ortance can+t be o)erstated% 9or the reasons I outlined in my office%1 *uce remained )ague for my benefit, but still 'ersuasi)e enough for theirs% 7e hadn+t gotten where he was without certain lobbyist gifts% !eanwhile I was there and not there, cringing at *uce+s touch, s'routing goose bum's, and worrying that I hadn+t washed 'ro'erly% I remember this, too% " long narrow room on a different floor of the hos'ital% " riser set u' at one end before a butterfly light% 4he 'hotogra'her 'utting film in his camera% ,2kay, I+m ready,1 he said% I dro''ed my robe% "lmost used to it now, I climbed u' on the riser before the measuring chart% ,7old your arms out a little%1 ,*ike thisD1 ,4hat+s good% I don+t want a shadow%1 7e didn+t tell me to smile% 4he te3tbook 'ublishers would make sure to co)er my face% 4he black bo3: a fig leaf in re)erse, concealing identity while lea)ing shame e3'osed% ?)ery night !ilton called us in our room% 4essie 'ut on a bright )oice for him% !ilton tried to sound ha''y when I got on the line% =ut I took the o''ortunity to whine and com'lain% ,I+m sick of this hotel% Ahen can we go homeD1 ,&oon as you+re better,1 !ilton said% Ahen it was time for slee', we drew the window curtains and turned off the lights% ,-ood night, honey% &ee you in the morning%1 ,Hight%1 =ut I couldn+t slee'% I ke't thinking about that word: ,better%1 Ahat did my father meanD Ahat were they going to do to meD &treet sounds made it u' to the room, curiously distinct, echoing off the stone building o''osite% I listened to the 'olice sirens, the angry horns% !y 'illow was thin% It smelled like a smoker% "cross the stri' of car'et my mother was already aslee'% =efore my conce'tion, she had agreed to my father+s outlandish 'lan to determine my se3% &he had done this so that she wouldn+t be alone, so that she would ha)e a girlfriend in the house% "nd I had been that friend% I had

C61

always been close to my mother% 2ur tem'eraments were alike% Ae liked nothing better than to sit on 'ark benches and watch the faces go by% How the face I was watching was 4essie+s in the other bed% It looked white, blank, as if her cold cream had remo)ed not only her makeu' but her 'ersonality% 4essie+s eyes were mo)ing, though; under the lids they skated back and forth% 6allie couldn+t imagine the things 4essie was seeing in her dreams back then% =ut I can% 4essie was dreaming a family dream% " )ersion of the nightmares Desdemona had after listening to 9ard+s sermons% 1reams of the germs of infants $u$$ling, di,iding. 3f hideous creatures growing up from pale foam. 4essie didn+t allow herself to think about such things during the day, so they came to her at night% Aas it her faultD &hould she ha)e resisted !ilton when he tried to bend nature to his willD Aas there really a -od after all, and did 7e 'unish 'eo'le on ?arthD 4hese 2ld Aorld su'erstitions had been banished from my mother+s conscious mind, but they still o'erated in her dreams% 9rom the other bed I watched the 'lay of these dark forces on my mother+s slee'ing face%

&ooking Myself up in .ebster+s

I tossed and turned e)ery night, unable to slee' straight through% I was like the 'rincess and the 'ea% " 'ellet of dis@uiet ke't unsettling me% &ometimes I awoke with the feeling that a s'otlight had been trained on me while I sle't% It was as if my ether body had been con)ersing with angels, somewhere u' near the ceiling% Ahen I o'ened my eyes they fled% =ut I could hear the traces of the communication, the fading echoes of the crystal bell% &ome essential information was rising from the de'ths of my being% 4his information was on the ti' of my tongue and yet ne)er surfaced% 2ne thing was certain: it was all connected with the 2bBect somehow% I lay awake thinking about her, wondering how she was, and 'ining, grie)ing% I thought of Detroit, too, of its )acant lots of 'ale 2siris grass s'ringing u' between the condemned houses and those not yet condemned, and of the ri)er with its iron runoff, the dead car' floating on the surface, white bellies flaking% I thought of fishermen standing on the concrete freighter docks with their bait buckets and tallboys, the baseball game on the radio% It+s often said that a traumatic e3'erience early in life marks a 'erson fore)er, 'ulls her out of line, saying, ,&tay there% Don+t mo)e%1 !y time at the 6linic did that to me% I feel a direct line e3tending from that girl with her knees stee'led beneath the hotel blankets to this 'erson writing now in an "eron chair% 7ers was the duty to li)e out a mythical life in the actual world, mine to tell about it now% I didn+t ha)e the resources at fourteen, didn+t know enough, hadn+t been to the "natolian mountain the -reeks call 2lym'us and the 4urks ;ludag, Bust like the soft drink% I hadn+t gotten old enough yet to reali(e that li)ing sends a 'erson not into the future but back into the 'ast, to childhood and before birth, finally, to commune with the dead% Jou get older, you 'uff on the stairs, you enter the body of your father% 9rom there it+s only a @uick Bum' to your grand'arents, and then before you know it you+re time/tra)eling% In this life we grow backwards% It+s always the gray/haired tourists on Italian buses who can tell you something about the ?truscans% In the end, it took *uce two weeks to make his determination about me% 7e scheduled an a''ointment with my 'arents for the following !onday% !ilton had been Betting around during the two weeks, checking on his 7ercules franchises, but on the 9riday 'receding the a''ointment he flew back to Hew Jork% Ae

C6C

s'ent the weekend s'iritlessly sightseeing, assailed by uns'oken an3ieties% 2n !onday morning my 'arents dro''ed me off at the Hew Jork ublic *ibrary while they went to see Dr% *uce% !y father had dressed that morning with s'ecial care% Des'ite an outward show of tran@uillity, !ilton was beset by an unaccustomed feeling of dread, and so armored himself in his most commanding clothes: o)er his 'lum' body, a charcoal 'instri'e suit; around his bullfrog neck, a 6ountess !ara necktie; and in the buttonholes of his shirtslee)es, his ,lucky1 -reek Drama cuff links% *ike our "cro'olis nightlight, the cuff links had come from Jackie 7alas+s sou)enir sho' in -reektown% !ilton wore them whene)er he met with bank loan officers or auditors from the I0&% 4hat !onday morning, howe)er, he had trouble 'utting the cuff links in; his hands were not steady enough% In e3as'eration he asked 4essie to do it% ,Ahat+s the matterD1 she asked tenderly% =ut !ilton sna''ed, ,Just 'ut the cuff links in, will youD1 7e held out his arms, looking away, embarrassed by his body+s weakness% &ilently 4essie inserted the links, tragedy in one slee)e, comedy in the other% "s we came out of the hotel that morning they glittered in the early morning sun, and under the influence of those two/sided accessories, what ha''ened ne3t took on contrasting tones% 4here was tragedy, certainly, in !ilton+s e3'ression as they left me off at the library% During !ilton+s time away, his image of me had re)erted to the girl I+d been a year earlier% How he faced the real me again% 7e saw my ungainly mo)ements as I climbed the library ste's, the broadness of my shoulders inside my a'agallo coat% Aatching from the cab, !ilton came face/to/face with the essence of tragedy, which is something determined before you+re born, something you can+t esca'e or do anything about, no matter how hard you try% "nd 4essie, so used to feeling the world through her husband, saw that my 'roblem was getting worse, was accelerating% 4heir hearts were wrung with anguish, the anguish of ha)ing children, a )ulnerability as astonishing as the ca'acity for lo)e that 'arenthood brings, in a cuff link set all its ownK K=ut now the cab was dri)ing away, !ilton was wi'ing his brow with his handkerchief; and the grinning face in his right slee)e came into )iew, for there was a comic as'ect to e)ents that day, too% 4here was comedy in the way !ilton, while still worrying about me, ke't one eye on the rocketing ta3i meter% "t the 6linic, there was comedy in the way 4essie, idly 'icking u' a waiting/room maga(ine, found herself reading about the Bu)enile se3ual rehearsal 'lay of rhesus monkeys% 4here was e)en a brand of harsh satire in my 'arents+ @uest itself, because it ty'ified the "merican belief that e)erything can be sol)ed by doctors% "ll this comedy, howe)er, is retros'ecti)e% "s !ilton and 4essie 're'ared to see Dr% *uce, a hot foam was rising in their stomachs% !ilton was thinking back to his early na)y days, to his time in the landing craft% 4his was Bust like that% "ny minute the door was going to dro' away and they would ha)e to 'lunge into the churning night surfK In his office *uce got straight to the 'oint% ,*et me re)iew the facts of your daughter+s case,1 he said% 4essie noted the change at once% Daughter% 7e had said ,daughter%1 4he se3ologist was looking reassuringly medical that morning% 2)er his cashmere turtleneck he wore an actual white coat% In his hand he held a sketch'ad% 7is ball'oint 'en bore the name of a 'harmaceutical com'any% 4he blinds were drawn, the light low% 4he cou'les in the !ughal miniatures had modestly co)ered themsel)es in shadow% &itting in his designer chair, with tomes and Bournals rising behind him, Dr%

C6E

*uce a''eared serious, full of e3'ertise, as was his s'eech% ,Ahat I+m drawing here,1 he began, ,are the fetal genital structures% In other words, this is what a baby+s genitals look like in the womb, in the first few weeks after conce'tion% !ale or female, it+s all the same% 4hese two circles here are what we call the all/'ur'ose gonads% 4his little s@uiggle here is a Aolffian duct% "nd this other s@uiggle is a !Mllerian duct% 2kayD 4he thing to kee' in mind is that e)erybody starts out like this% Ae+re all born with 'otential boy 'arts and girl 'arts% Jou, !r% &te'hanides, !rs% &te'hanides, me<e)erybody% How1<he started drawing again<,as the fetus de)elo's in the womb, what ha''ens is that hormones and en(ymes are released<let+s make them arrows% Ahat do these hormones and en(ymes doD Aell, they turn these circles and s@uiggles into either boy 'arts or girl 'arts% &ee this circle, the all/'ur'ose gonadD It can become either an o)ary or a testis% "nd this s@uiggly !Mllerian duct can either wither u'1<he scratched it out<,or grow into a uterus, fallo'ian tubes, and the inside of the )agina% 4his Aolffian duct can either wither away or grow into a seminal )esicle, e'ididymis, and )as deferens% De'ending on the hormonal and en(ymatic influences%1 *uce looked u' and smiled% ,Jou don+t ha)e to worry about the terminology% 4he main thing to remember is this: e)ery baby has !Mllerian structures, which are 'otential girl 'arts, and Aolffian structures, which are 'otential boy 'arts% 4hose are the internal genitalia% =ut the same thing goes for the e>ternal genitalia% " 'enis is Bust a )ery large clitoris% 4hey grow from the same root%1 Dr% *uce sto''ed once more% 7e folded his hands% !y 'arents, leaning forward in the chairs, waited% ,"s I e3'lained, any determination of gender identity must take into account a host of factors% 4he most im'ortant, in your daughter+s case1<there it was again, confidently 'roclaimed<,is that she has been raised for fourteen years as a girl and indeed thinks of herself as female% 7er interests, gestures, 'sychose3ual makeu'<all these are female% "re you with me so farD1 !ilton and 4essie nodded% ,Due to her ./al'ha/reductase deficiency, 6allie+s body does not res'ond to dihydrotestosterone% Ahat this means is that, in utero, she followed a 'rimarily female line of de)elo'ment% ?s'ecially in terms of the e3ternal genitalia% 4hat, cou'led with her being brought u' as a girl, resulted in her thinking, acting, and looking like a girl% 4he 'roblem came when she started to go through 'uberty% "t 'uberty, the other androgen<testosterone<started to e3ert a strong effect% 4he sim'lest way to 'ut it is like this: 6allie is a girl who has a little too much male hormone% Ae want to correct that%1 Heither !ilton nor 4essie said a word% 4hey weren+t following e)erything the doctor was saying but, as 'eo'le do with doctors, they were attenti)e to his manner, trying to see how serious things were% *uce seemed o'timistic, confident, and 4essie and !ilton began to be filled with ho'e% ,4hat+s the biology% It+s a )ery rare genetic condition, by the way% 4he only other 'o'ulations where we know of this mutation e3'ressing itself are in the Dominican 0e'ublic, a'ua Hew -uinea, and southeastern 4urkey% Hot that far from the )illage your 'arents came from% "bout three hundred miles, in fact%1 *uce remo)ed his sil)er glasses% ,Do you know of any family member who may ha)e had a similar genital a''earance to your daughter+sD1 ,Hot that we know of,1 said !ilton% ,Ahen did your 'arents immigrateD1 ,Hineteen twenty/two%1

C6$

,Do you ha)e any relati)es still li)ing in 4urkeyD1 ,Hot anymore%1 *uce looked disa''ointed% 7e had one arm of his glasses in his mouth, and was chewing on it% ossibly he was imagining what it would be like to disco)er a whole new 'o'ulation of carriers of the ./al'ha/reductase mutation% 7e had to content himself with disco)ering me% 7e 'ut his glasses back on% ,4he treatment I+d recommend for your daughter is twofold% 9irst, hormone inBections% &econd, cosmetic surgery% 4he hormone treatments will initiate breast de)elo'ment and enhance her female secondary se3 characteristics% 4he surgery will make 6allie look e3actly like the girl she feels herself to be% In fact, she will be that girl% 7er outside and inside will conform% &he will look like a normal girl% Hobody will be able to tell a thing% "nd then 6allie can go on and enBoy her life%1 !ilton+s brow was still furrowed with concentration but from his eyes there was light a''earing, rays of relief% 7e turned toward 4essie and 'atted her leg% =ut in a timid, breaking )oice 4essie asked, ,Aill she be able to ha)e childrenD1 *uce 'aused only a second% ,I+m afraid not, !rs% &te'hanides% 6allie will ne)er menstruate%1 ,=ut she+s been menstruating for a few months now,1 4essie obBected% ,I+m afraid that+s im'ossible% ossibly there was some bleeding from another source%1 4essie+s eyes filled with tears% &he looked away% ,I Bust got a 'ostcard from a former 'atient,1 *uce said consolingly% ,&he had a condition similar to your daughter+s% &he+s married now% &he and her husband ado'ted two kids and they+re as ha''y as can be% &he 'lays in the 6le)eland 2rchestra% =assoon%1 4here was a silence, until !ilton asked, ,Is that it, DoctorD Jou do this one surgery and we can take her homeD1 ,Ae may ha)e to do additional surgery at a later date% =ut the immediate answer to your @uestion is yes% "fter the 'rocedure, she can go home%1 ,7ow long will she be in the hos'italD1 ,2nly o)ernight%1 It was not a difficult decision, es'ecially as *uce had framed it% " single surgery and some inBections would end the nightmare and gi)e my 'arents back their daughter, their 6allio'e, intact% 4he same enticement that had led my grand'arents to do the unthinkable now offered itself to !ilton and 4essie% Ho one would know% Ho one would e)er know% Ahile my 'arents were being gi)en a crash course in gonadogenesis, I<still officially 6allio'e<was doing some homework myself% In the 0eading 0oom of the Hew Jork ublic *ibrary I was looking u' something in the dictionary% Dr% *uce was correct in thinking that his con)ersations with colleagues and medical students were o)er my head% I didn+t know what ,./al'ha/reductase1 meant, or ,gynecomastia,1 or ,inguinal canal%1 =ut *uce had underestimated my abilities, too% 7e didn+t take into consideration the rigorous curriculum at my 're' school% 7e didn+t allow for my e3cellent research and study skills% !ost of all, he didn+t factor in the 'ower of my *atin teachers, !iss =arrie and !iss &ilber% &o now, as my Aallabees made s@uishing sounds between the reading tables, as a few men looked u' from their books to see what was coming and then looked down 8the world was no longer full of eyes:, I heard !iss =arrie+s )oice in my ear% ,Infants, define this word for me: hypospadias % ;se

C6.

your -reek or *atin roots%1 4he little schoolgirl in my head wriggled in her desk, hand raised high% ,Jes, 6allio'eD1 !iss =arrie called on me% ,Hypo % =elow or beneath% *ike Lhy'odermic%+ 1 ,=rilliant% "nd spadias D1 ,;m um K1 ,6an anyone come to our 'oor muse+s aidD1 =ut, in the classroom of my brain, no one could% &o that was why I was here% =ecause I knew that I had something below or beneath but I didn+t know what that something was% I had ne)er seen such a big dictionary before% 4he Aebster+s at the Hew Jork ublic *ibrary stood in the same relation to other dictionaries of my ac@uaintance as the ?m'ire &tate =uilding did to other buildings% It was an ancient, medie)al/looking thing, bound in brown leather that brought to mind a falconer+s gauntlet% 4he 'ages were gilded like the =ible+s% 9li''ing 'ages through the al'habet, 'ast canta$ile to eryngo , 'ast fandango to formicate 8that+s with an m :, 'ast hypertonia to hyposensiti,ity , and there it was:
hypospadias new latin, from -reek, man with hy'os'adias fr% hypo d 'rob from spadon , eunuch, fr% span , to tear, 'luck, 'ull, draw%<"n abnormality of the 'enis in which the urethra o'ens on its under surface% "ee synonyms at eunuch%

I did as instructed and got

eunuch <91 a castrated man; es'ecially, one of those who were em'loyed as harem attendants or functionaries in certain 2riental courts% :1 a man whose testes ha)e not de)elo'ed% "ee synonyms at herma'hrodite%

9ollowing where the trail led, I finally reached

hermaphrodite <91 one ha)ing the se3 organs and many of the secondary se3 characteristics of both male and female% :1 anything com'rised of a combination of di)erse or contradictory elements% &ee synonyms at monster%

"nd that is where I sto''ed% "nd looked u', to see if anyone was watching% 4he )ast 0eading 0oom thrummed with silent energy: 'eo'le thinking, writing% 4he 'ainted ceiling bellied o)erhead like a sail, and down below the green desk lam's glowed, illuminating faces bent o)er books% I was stoo'ing o)er mine, my hair falling onto the 'ages, co)ering u' the definition of myself% !y lime green coat was hanging o'en% I had an a''ointment with *uce later in the day and my hair was washed, my under'ants fresh% !y bladder was full and I crossed my legs, 'utting off a tri' to the bathroom%

C66

9ear was stabbing me% I longed to be held, caressed, and that was im'ossible% I laid my hand on the dictionary and looked at it% &lender, leaf/sha'ed, it had a braided ro'e ring on one finger, a gift from the 2bBect% 4he ro'e was getting dirty% I looked at my 'retty hand and then 'ulled it away and faced the word again% 4here it was, monster , in black and white, in a battered dictionary in a great city library% " )enerable, old book, the sha'e and si(e of a headstone, with yellowing 'ages that bore marks of the multitudes who had consulted them before me% 4here were 'encil scrawls and ink stains, dried blood, snack crumbs; and the leather binding itself was secured to the lectern by a chain% 7ere was a book that contained the collected knowledge of the 'ast while gi)ing e)idence of 'resent social conditions% 4he chain suggested that some library )isitors might take it u'on themsel)es to see that the dictionary circulated% 4he dictionary contained e)ery word in the ?nglish language but the chain knew only a few% It knew thief and steal and, maybe, purloined % 4he chain s'oke of po,erty and mistrust and ineEuality and decadence % 6allie herself was holding on to this chain now% &he was tugging on it, winding it around her hand so that her fingers went white, as she stared down at that word% Monster % &till there% It had not mo)ed% "nd she wasn+t reading this word on the wall of her old bathroom stall% 4here was graffiti in Aebster+s but the synonym wasn+t 'art of it% 4he synonym was official, authoritati)e; it was the )erdict that the culture ga)e on a 'erson like her% Monster % 4hat was what she was% 4hat was what Dr% *uce and his colleagues had been saying% It e3'lained so much, really% It e3'lained her mother crying in the ne3t room% It e3'lained the false cheer in !ilton+s )oice% It e3'lained why her 'arents had brought her to Hew Jork, so that the doctors could work in secret% It e3'lained the 'hotogra'hs, too% Ahat did 'eo'le do when they came u'on =igfoot or the *och Hess !onsterD 4hey tried to get a 'icture% 9or a second 6allie saw herself that way% "s a lumbering, shaggy creature 'ausing at the edge of woods% "s a hum'ed con)ol)ulus rearing its dragon+s head from an icy lake% 7er eyes were filling now, making the 'rint swim, and she turned away and hurried out of the library% =ut the synonym 'ursued her% "ll the way out the door and down the ste's between the stone lions, Aebster+s Dictionary ke't calling after her, Monster, Monster' 4he bright banners hanging from the tym'anum 'roclaimed the word% 4he definition inserted itself into billboards and the ads on 'assing buses% 2n 9ifth ")enue a cab was 'ulling u'% 7er father Bum'ed out, smiling and wa)ing% Ahen 6allie saw him, her heart lifted% 4he )oice of Aebster+s sto''ed s'eaking in her head% 7er father wouldn+t be smiling like that unless the news from the doctor had been good% 6allie laughed and s'rinted down the library ste's, almost tri''ing% 7er emotions soared for the time it took to reach the street, maybe fi)e or eight seconds% =ut coming closer to !ilton, she learned something about medical re'orts% 4he more 'eo'le smile, the worse the news% !ilton grinned at her, 'ers'iring in 'instri'es, and once again the tragedy cuff link glinted in the sun% 4hey knew% 7er 'arents knew she was a monster% "nd yet here was !ilton, o'ening the car door for her; here was 4essie, inside, smiling as 6allie climbed in% 4he cab took them to a restaurant and soon the three of them were looking o)er menus and ordering food% !ilton waited until the drinks were ser)ed% 4hen, somewhat formally, he began% ,Jour mother and I had a little chat with the doctor this morning, as you are aware% 4he good news is that you+ll be back at home this week% Jou won+t miss much school% How for the bad news% "re you ready for the bad news, 6alD1

C6#

!ilton+s eyes were saying that the bad news was not all that bad% ,4he bad news is you ha)e to ha)e a little o'eration% Oery minor% L2'eration+ isn+t really the right word% I think the doctor called it a L'rocedure%+ 4hey ha)e to knock you out and you ha)e to stay o)ernight in the hos'ital% 4hat+s it% 4here+ll be some 'ain but they can gi)e you 'ainkillers for it%1 Aith that, !ilton rested% 4essie reached out and 'atted 6allie+s hand% ,It+ll be okay, honey,1 she said in a thickened )oice% 7er eyes were watery, red% ,Ahat kind of o'erationD1 6allie asked her father% ,Just a little cosmetic 'rocedure% *ike getting a mole remo)ed%1 7e reached out and 'layfully caught 6allie+s nose between his knuckles% ,2r getting your nose fi3ed%1 6allie 'ulled her head away, angry% ,Don+t do that>1 ,&orry,1 said !ilton% 7e cleared his throat, blinking% ,Ahat+s wrong with meD1 6allio'e asked, and now her )oice broke% 4ears were running down her cheeks% ,Ahat+s wrong with me, DaddyD1 !ilton+s face darkened% 7e swallowed hard% 6allie waited for him to say the word, to @uote Aebster+s, but he didn+t% 7e only looked at her across the table, his head low, his eyes dark, warm, sad, and full of lo)e% 4here was so much lo)e in !ilton+s eyes that it was im'ossible to look for truth% ,It+s a hormonal thing, what you+)e got,1 he said% ,I was always under the im'ression that men had male hormones and women had female hormones% =ut e)erybody has both, a''arently%1 &till 6allie waited% ,Ahat you+)e got, see, is you+)e got a little too much of the male hormones and not @uite enough of the female hormones% &o what the doctor wants to do is gi)e you a shot e)ery now and then to get e)erything working right%1 7e didn+t say the word% I didn+t make him% ,It+s a hormonal thing,1 !ilton re'eated% ,In the grand scheme of things, no big deal%1 *uce belie)ed that a 'atient of my age was ca'able of understanding the essentials% "nd so, that afternoon, he did not mince words% In his mellow, 'leasing, educated )oice, looking directly into my eyes, *uce declared that I was a girl whose clitoris was merely larger than those of other girls% 7e drew the same charts for me as he had for my 'arents% Ahen I 'ressed him on the details of my surgery, he said only this: ,Ae+re going to do an o'eration to finish your genitalia% 4hey+re not @uite finished yet and we want to finish them%1 7e ne)er mentioned anything about hy'os'adias, and I began to ho'e that the word didn+t a''ly to me% !aybe I had taken it out of conte3t% Dr% *uce may ha)e been referring to another 'atient% Aebster+s had said that hy'os'adias was an abnormality of the 'enis% =ut Dr% *uce was telling me that I had a clitoris% I understood that both these things grew out of the same fetal gonad, but that didn+t matter% If I had a clitoris<and a s'ecialist was telling me that I did<what could I be but a girlD 4he adolescent ego is a ha(y thing, amor'hous, cloudlike% It wasn+t difficult to 'our my identity into different )essels% In a sense, I was able to take whate)er form was demanded of me% I only wanted to know the dimensions% *uce was 'ro)iding them% !y 'arents su''orted him% 4he 'ros'ect of ha)ing e)erything sol)ed was wildly attracti)e to me, too, and while I lay on the chaise I didn+t ask myself where my feelings for the 2bBect fit in% I only wanted it all to be o)er% I wanted to go home and forget it had e)er ha''ened% &o I listened to *uce @uietly and made no obBections%

C65

7e e3'lained the estrogen inBections would induce my breasts to grow% ,Jou won+t be 0a@uel Aelch, but you won+t be 4wiggy either%1 !y facial hair would diminish% !y )oice would rise from tenor to alto% =ut when I asked if I would finally get my 'eriod, Dr% *uce was frank% ,Ho% Jou won+t% ?)er% Jou won+t be able to ha)e a baby yourself, 6allie% If you want to ha)e a family, you+ll ha)e to ado't%1 I recei)ed this news calmly% 7a)ing children wasn+t something I thought much about at fourteen% 4here was a knock on the door, and the rece'tionist stuck her head in% ,&orry, Dr% *uce% =ut could I bother you a minuteD1 ,4hat de'ends on 6allie%1 7e smiled at me% ,Jou mind taking a little breakD I+ll be right back%1 ,I don+t mind%1 ,&it there a few minutes and see if any other @uestions occur to you%1 7e left the room% Ahile he was gone, I didn+t think of any other @uestions% I sat in my chair, not thinking anything at all% !y mind was curiously blank% It was the blankness of obedience% Aith the unerring instinct of children, I had surmised what my 'arents wanted from me% 4hey wanted me to stay the way I was% "nd this was what Dr% *uce now 'romised% I was brought out of my abstracted state by a salmon/colored cloud 'assing low in the sky% I got u' and went to the window to look out at the ri)er% I 'ressed my cheek against the glass to see as far south as 'ossible, where the skyscra'ers rose% I told myself that I would li)e in Hew Jork when I grew u'% ,4his is the city for me,1 I said% I had begun to cry again% I tried to sto'% Dabbing at my eyes, I wandered around the office and finally found myself in front of one of the !ughal miniatures% In the small, ebony frame, two tiny figures were making lo)e% Des'ite the e3ertion im'lied by their acti)ity, their faces looked 'eaceful% 4heir e3'ressions showed neither strain nor ecstasy% =ut of course the faces weren+t the focal 'oint% 4he geometry of the lo)ers+ bodies, the graceful calligra'hy of their limbs led the eye straight to the fact of their genitalia% 4he woman+s 'ubic hair was like a 'atch of e)ergreen against white snow, the man+s member like a redwood s'routing from it% I looked% I looked once again to see how other 'eo'le were made% "s I looked, I didn+t take sides% I understood both the urgency of the man and the 'leasure of the woman% !y mind was no longer blank% It was filling with a dark knowledge% I swung around% I wheeled and looked at Dr% *uce+s desk% " file sat o'en there% 7e had left it when he hurried off%

"#E&!M!% #; ST$';< 4E%ET!- 3; =M &E> # !SE' S *EM &E

4he following illustrati)e case indicates that there is no 'reordained corres'ondence between genetic and genital structure, or between masculine or feminine beha)ior and chromosomal status%

C69

&;=J?64: 6allio'e &te'hanides IH4?0OI?A?0: eter *uce, !%D% IH402D;6420J D"4": 4he 'atient is fourteen years old% &he has li)ed as a female all her life% "t birth, somatic a''earance was of a 'enis so small as to a''ear to be a clitoris% 4he subBect+s ]J karyoty'e was not disco)ered until 'uberty, when she began to )irili(e% 4he girl+s 'arents at first refused to belie)e the doctor who deli)ered the news and subse@uently asked for two other o'inions before coming to the -ender Identity 6linic and Hew Jork 7os'ital 6linic% During e3amination, undescended testes could be 'al'ated% 4he ,'enis1 was slightly hy'os'adiac, with the urethra o'ening on the underside% 4he girl has always sat to urinate like other girls% =lood tests confirmed an ]J chromosomal status% In addition, blood tests re)ealed that the subBect was suffering from ./al'ha/reductase deficiency syndrome% "n e3'loratory la'arotomy was not 'erformed% " family 'hotogra'h 8see case file: shows her at age twel)e% &he a''ears to be a ha''y, healthy girl with no )isible signs of tomboyishness, des'ite her ]J karyoty'e% 9I0&4 I! 0?&&I2H: 4he subBect+s facial e3'ression, though somewhat stern at times, is o)erall 'leasant and rece'ti)e, with fre@uent smiling% 4he subBect often casts her eyes downward in a modest or coy manner% &he is feminine in her mo)ements and gestures, and the slight gracelessness of her walk is in kee'ing with females of her generation% 4hough due to her height some 'eo'le may find the subBect+s gender at first glance somewhat indeterminate, any 'rolonged obser)ation would result in a decision that she was indeed a girl% 7er )oice, in fact, has a soft, breathy @uality% &he inclines her head to listen when another 'erson s'eaks and does not hold forth or assert her o'inions in a bullying manner characteristic of males% &he often makes humorous remarks% 9"!I*J: 4he girl+s 'arents are fairly ty'ical !idwesterners of the Aorld Aar II generation% 4he father identifies himself as a 0e'ublican% 4he mother is a friendly, intelligent, and caring 'erson, 'erha's slightly 'rone to de'ression or neurosis% &he accedes to the subser)ient wifely role ty'ical of women of her generation% 4he father only came to the 6linic twice, citing business obligations, but from those two meetings it is a''arent that he is a dominating 'resence, a ,self/made1 man and former na)al officer% In addition, the subBect has been raised in the -reek 2rthodo3 tradition, with its strongly se3/defined roles% In general the 'arents seem assimilationist and )ery ,all/"merican1 in their outlook, but the 'resence of this dee'er ethnic identity should not be o)erlooked% &?];"* 9;H64I2H: 4he subBect re'orts engaging in childhood se3ual 'lay with other children, in e)ery case of which she acted as the feminine 'artner, usually 'ulling u' her dress and letting a boy simulate coition ato' her% &he e3'erienced 'leasurable erotose3ual sensations by 'ositioning herself by the water Bets of a neighbor+s swimming 'ool% &he masturbated fre@uently from a young age% 4he subBect has had no serious boyfriends, but this may be due to her attending an all/girls school or from a feeling of shame about her body% 4he subBect is aware of the abnormal a''earance of her genitalia and has gone to great lengths in the locker room and other communal dressing areas to a)oid being seen naked% He)ertheless, she re'orts ha)ing had se3ual intercourse, one time only, with the brother of her best friend, an e3'erience she found 'ainful but which was successful from the 'oint of )iew of teenage romantic e3'loration%

C#0

IH4?0OI?A: 4he subBect s'oke in ra'id bursts, clearly and articulately but with the occasional breathlessness associated with an3iety% &'eech 'atterning and characteristics a''eared to be feminine in terms of oscillation of 'itch and direct eye contact% &he e3'resses se3ual interest in males e3clusi)ely% 62H6*;&I2H: In s'eech, mannerisms, and dress, the subBect manifests a feminine gender identity and role, des'ite a contrary chromosomal status% It is clear by this that se3 of rearing, rather than genetic determinants, 'lays a greater role in the establishment of gender identity% "s the girl+s gender identity was firmly established as female at the time her condition was disco)ered, a decision to im'lement femini(ing surgery along with corres'onding hormonal treatments seems correct% 4o lea)e the genitals as they are today would e3'ose her to all manner of humiliation% 4hough it is 'ossible that the surgery may result in 'artial or total loss of erotose3ual sensation, se3ual 'leasure is only one factor in a ha''y life% 4he ability to marry and 'ass as a normal woman in society are also im'ortant goals, both of which will not be 'ossible without femini(ing surgery and hormone treatment% "lso, it is ho'ed that new methods of surgery will minimi(e the effects of erotose3ual dysfunction brought about by surgeries in the 'ast, when femini(ing surgery was in its infancy% 4hat e)ening, when my mother and I got back to the hotel, !ilton had a sur'rise% 4ickets to a =roadway musical% I acted e3cited but later, after dinner, crawled into my 'arents+ bed, claiming I was too tired to go% ,4oo tiredD1 !ilton said% ,Ahat do you mean you+re too tiredD1 ,4hat+s okay, honey,1 said 4essie% ,Jou don+t ha)e to go%1 ,&u''osed to be a good show, 6al%1 ,Is ?thel !erman in itD1 I asked% ,Ho, smartass,1 !ilton said, smiling% ,?thel !erman is not in it% &he+s not on =roadway right now% &o we+re seeing something with 6arol 6hanning% &he+s 'retty good, too% Ahy don+t you come alongD1 ,Ho thanks,1 I said% ,2kay, then% Jou+re missing out%1 4hey started to go% ,=ye, honey,1 my mother said% &uddenly I Bum'ed out of bed and ran to 4essie, hugging her% ,Ahat+s this forD1 she asked% !y eyes brimmed with tears% 4essie took them to be tears of relief at e)erything we+d been through% In the narrow entryway car)ed from a former suite, cockeyed, dim, the two of us stood hugging and crying% Ahen they were gone, I got my suitcase from the closet% 4hen, looking at the tur@uoise flowers, I e3changed it for my father+s suitcase, a gray &amsonite% I left my skirts and my 9air Isle sweater in the dresser drawers% I 'acked only the darker garments, a blue crew neck, the alligator shirts, and my corduroys% 4he brassiere I abandoned, too% 9or the time being, I held on to my socks and 'anties, and I tossed in my toiletry case entire% Ahen I was finished, I searched in !ilton+s garment bag for the cash he+d hidden there% 4he wad was fairly large and came to nearly three hundred dollars% It wasn+t all Dr% *uce+s fault% I had lied to him about many things% 7is decision was based on false data% =ut he had been false in turn% 2n a 'iece of stationery, I left a note for my 'arents%

C#1

Dear !om and Dad, I know you+re only trying to do what+s best for me, but I don+t think anyone knows for sure what+s best% I lo)e you and don+t want to be a 'roblem, so I+)e decided to go away% I know you+ll say I+m not a 'roblem, but I know I am% If you want to know why I+m doing this, you should ask Dr% *uce, who is a big liar> I am not a girl% I+m a boy% 4hat+s what I found out today% &o I+m going where no one knows me% ?)eryone in -rosse ointe will talk when they find out% &orry I took your money, Dad, but I 'romise to 'ay you back someday, with interest% lease don+t worry about me% I will be "** 0I-74> Des'ite its content, I signed this declaration to my 'arents: ,6allie%1 It was the last time I was e)er their daughter%

4o .est? ;oung Man

2nce again, in =erlin, a &te'hanides li)es among the 4urks% I feel comfortable here in &chNneberg% 4he 4urkish sho's along 7au'tstrasse are like those my father used to take me to% 4he food is the same, the dried figs, the hal)ah, the stuffed gra'e lea)es% 4he faces are the same, too, seamed, dark/eyed, significantly boned% Des'ite family history, I feel drawn to 4urkey% I+d like to work in the embassy in Istanbul% I+)e 'ut in a re@uest to be transferred there% It would bring me full circle% ;ntil that ha''ens, I do my 'art this way% I watch the bread baker in the dNner restaurant downstairs% 7e bakes bread in a stone o)en like those they used to ha)e in &myrna% 7e uses a long/handled s'atula to shift and retrie)e the bread% "ll day long he works, fourteen, si3teen hours, with unflagging concentration, his sandals lea)ing 'rints in the flour dust on the floor% "n artist of bread baking% &te'hanides, an "merican, grandchild of -reeks, admires this 4urkish immigrant to -ermany, this Gastar$eiter , as he bakes bread on 7au'tstrasse here in the year C001% Ae+re all made u' of many 'arts, other hal)es% Hot Bust me%

***
4he bell on the door of ?d+s =arbersho' in the &cranton bus station merrily rang% ?d, who had been reading the news'a'er, lowered it to greet his ne3t customer% 4here was a 'ause% "nd then ?d said, ,Ahat ha''enedD Jou lose a betD1 &tanding inside the door but looking as though he might flee back out of it was a teenage kid, tall, stringy, and an odd mi3 if e)er ?d saw one% 7is hair was a hi''ie+s and came down 'ast his shoulders% =ut he was wearing a dark suit% 4he Backet was baggy and the trousers were too short, riding high abo)e his chunky tan, s@uare/toed shoes% ?)en from across the sho' ?d detected a musty, thrift/store smell% Jet the kid+s suitcase was big and gray, a businessman+s% ,I+m Bust tired of the style,1 the kid answered%

C#C

,Jou and me both,1 said ?d the barber% 7e directed me to a chair% I<the easily rechristened 6al &te'hanides, teen runaway<set my suitcase down and hung my Backet on the rack% I walked across the room, concentrating as I did on walking like a boy% *ike a stroke )ictim, I was ha)ing to relearn all the sim'le motor skills% "s far as walking went, this wasn+t too difficult% 4he time when =aker W Inglis girls had balanced books on their heads was long gone% 4he slight gracelessness of my walk, which Dr% *uce had commented on, 'redis'osed me to Boin the graceless se3% !y skeleton was a male+s, with its higher center of gra)ity% It 'romoted a tidy, forward thrust% It was my knees that ga)e me trouble% I had a tendency to walk knock/kneed, which made my hi's sway and my back end twitch% I tried to kee' my 'el)is steady now% 4o walk like a boy you let your shoulders sway, not your hi's% "nd you ke't your feet farther a'art% "ll this I had learned in a day and a half on the road% I climbed into the chair, glad to sto' mo)ing% ?d the barber tied a 'a'er bib around my neck% He3t he dra'ed an a'ron o)er me% "ll the while he was taking my measure and shaking his head% ,I ne)er understood what it was with you young 'eo'le and the long hair% Hearly ruined my business% I get mostly retired fellas in here% -uys who come in my sho' for a haircut, they don+t ha,e any hair%1 7e chuckled, but only briefly% ,2kay, so nowadays the hairstyles are a little bit shorter% I think, good, maybe I can make a li)ing% =ut no% How e)eryone wants to go unise3% 4hey want to be shampooed %1 7e leaned toward me, sus'icious% ,Jou don+t want a sham'oo, do youD1 ,Just a haircut%1 7e nodded, satisfied% ,7ow do you want itD1 ,&hort,1 I )entured% ,&hort shortD1 he asked% ,&hort,1 I said, ,but not too short%1 ,2kay% &hort but not too short% -ood idea% &ee how the other half li)es%1 I fro(e, thinking he meant something by this% =ut he was only Boking% "s for himself, ?d ke't a neat head% Ahat hair he had was slicked back% 7e had a brutal, 'ugnacious face% 7is nostrils were dark and fiery as he labored around me, 'um'ing u' the chair and stro''ing his ra(or% ,Jour father let you kee' your hair like thisD1 ,;' until now%1 ,&o the old man is finally straightening you out% *isten, you won+t regret it% Aomen don+t want a guy looks like a girl% Don+t belie)e what they tell you, they want a sensiti)e male% =ullshit>1 4he swearing, the straight ra(ors, the sha)ing brushes, all these were my welcome to the masculine world% 4he barber had the football game on the 4O% 4he calendar showed a )odka bottle and a 'retty girl in a white fur bikini% I 'lanted my feet on the waffle iron of the footrest while he swi)eled me back and forth before the flashing mirrors% ,7oly mackerel, when+s the last time you had a haircut anywayD1 ,0emember the moon landingD1 ,Jeah% 4hat+s about right%1 7e turned me to face the mirror% "nd there she was, for the last time, in the sil)ered glass: 6allio'e% &he still wasn+t gone yet% &he was like a ca'ti)e s'irit, 'eeking out% ?d the barber 'ut a comb in my long hair% 7e lifted it e3'erimentally, making

C#E

sni''ing sounds with his scissors% 4he blades weren+t touching my hair% 4he sni''ing was only a kind of mental barbering, a limbering u'% 4his ga)e me time for second thoughts% Ahat was I doingD Ahat if Dr% *uce was rightD Ahat if that girl in the mirror really was meD 7ow did I think I could defect to the other side so easilyD Ahat did I know about boys, about menD I didn+t e)en like them that much% ,4his is like taking down a tree,1 o'ined ?d% ,9irst you gotta go in and lo' off the branches% 4hen you cho' down the trunk%1 I closed my eyes% I refused to return 6allio'e+s ga(e any longer% I gri''ed the armrests and waited for the barber to do his work% =ut in the ne3t second the scissors clinked onto the shelf% Aith a bu((, the electric cli''ers switched on% 4hey circled my head like bees% "gain ?d the barber lifted my hair with his comb and I heard the bu((er di)e in toward my head% ,7ere we go,1 he said% !y eyes were still closed% =ut I knew there was no going back now% 4he cli''ers raked across my scal'% I held firm% 7air fell away in stri's% ,I should charge you e3tra,1 said ?d% How I did o'en my eyes, alarmed about the cost% ,7ow much is itD1 ,Don+t worry% &ame 'rice% 4his is my 'atriotic deed today% I+m making the world safe for democracy%1 !y grand'arents had fled their home because of a war% How, some fifty/two years later, I was fleeing myself% I felt that I was sa)ing myself Bust as definiti)ely% I was fleeing without much money in my 'ocket and under the alias of my new gender% " shi' didn+t carry me across the ocean; instead, a series of cars con)eyed me across a continent% I was becoming a new 'erson, too, Bust like *efty and Desdemona, and I didn+t know what would ha''en to me in this new world to which I+d come% I was also scared% I had ne)er been out on my own before% I didn+t know how the world o'erated or how much things cost% 9rom the *ochmoor 7otel I had taken a cab to the bus terminal, not knowing the way% "t ort "uthority I wandered 'ast the tie sho's and fast/food stalls, looking for the ticket booths% Ahen I found them I bought a ticket for a night bus to 6hicago, 'aying the fare as far as &cranton, ennsyl)ania, which was as much as I thought I could afford% 4he bums and druggies occu'ying the scoo' benches looked me o)er, sometimes hissing or smacking their li's% 4hey scared me, too% I nearly ga)e u' the idea of running away% If I hurried, I could make it back to the hotel before !ilton and 4essie returned from seeing 6arol 6hanning% I sat in the waiting area, considering this, the edge of the &amsonite clam'ed between my knees as though any minute someone might try to snatch it away% I 'layed out scenes in my head where I declared my intention of li)ing as a boy and my 'arents, at first 'rotesting but then breaking down, acce'ted me% " 'oliceman 'assed by% Ahen he was gone I went to sit ne3t to a middle/aged woman, ho'ing to be taken for her daughter% 2)er the louds'eaker a )oice announced that my bus was boarding% I looked u' at the other 'assengers, the 'oor tra)eling by night% 4here was an aging cowboy carrying a duffel bag and a sou)enir *ouis "rmstrong statuette; there were two &ri *ankan 6atholic 'riests; there were no less than three o)erweight mothers loaded down with children and bedding, and a little man who turned out to be a horse Bockey, with cigarette wrinkles and brown teeth% 4hey lined u' to board the bus while the scene in my head began to go off on its own, to sto' taking my directorial notes% How !ilton was shaking his head no, and Dr% *uce was 'utting on a surgical mask, and my schoolmates back in -rosse ointe were 'ointing at me and laughing, their faces lit with malicious Boy%

C#$

In a trance of fear, da(ed yet trembling, I 'roceeded onto the dark bus% 9or 'rotection I took a seat ne3t to the middle/aged lady% 4he other 'assengers, accustomed to these night Bourneys, were already taking out thermoses and unwra''ing sandwiches% 4he smell of fried chicken began to waft from the back seats% I was suddenly )ery hungry% I wished that I were back at the hotel, ordering room ser)ice% I would ha)e to get new clothes soon% I needed to look older and less like 'rey% I had to start dressing like a boy% 4he bus 'ulled out of ort "uthority and I watched, terrified at what I was doing but unable to sto' myself, as we made our way out of the city and through the long yellow/lit di((y tunnel that led to Hew Jersey% -oing underground, through the rock, with the filthy ri)er bottom abo)e us, and fish swimming in the black water on the other side of the cur)ing tiles% "t a &al)ation "rmy outlet in &cranton, not far from the bus station, I went looking for a suit% I 'retended I was sho''ing for my brother, though no one asked any @uestions% !ale si(es baffled me% I held the Backets discreetly against me to see what might fit% 9inally I found a suit roughly my si(e% It was sturdy/looking and all/weather% 4he label inside said ,Durenmatt+s !en+s 6lothiers, ittsburgh%1 I took off my a'agallo% 6hecking to see if anyone was watching, I tried the Backet on% I didn+t feel what a boy would feel% It wasn+t like 'utting on your father+s Backet and becoming a man% It was like being cold and ha)ing your date gi)e you his Backet to wear% "s it settled on my shoulders, the Backet felt big, warm, comforting, alien% 8"nd who was my date in this caseD 4he football ca'tainD Ho% !y steady was the Aorld Aar II )et, dead of heart disease% !y guy was the ?lk *odge member who had mo)ed to 4e3as%: 4he suit was only 'art of my new identity% It was the haircut that mattered most% How, in the barbersho', ?d was going at me with a whisk brush% 4he bristles cast a 'owder in the air and I closed my eyes% I felt myself being wheeled around again and the barber said, ,2kay, that+s it%1 I o'ened my eyes% "nd in the mirror I didn+t see myself% Hot the !ona *isa with the enigmatic smile any longer% Hot the shy girl with the tangled black hair in her face, but instead her fraternal twin brother% Aith the screen of my hair remo)ed, the recent changes in my face were far more e)ident% !y Baw looked s@uarer, broader, my neck thicker, with a bulge of "dam+s a''le in the center% It was un@uestionably a male face, but the feelings inside that boy were still a girl+s% 4o cut off your hair after a breaku' was a feminine reaction% It was a way to start o)er, to renounce )anity, to s'ite lo)e% I knew that I would ne)er see the 2bBect again% Des'ite bigger 'roblems, greater worries, it was heartbreak that sei(ed me when I first saw my male face in the mirror% I thought: it+s o)er% =y cutting off my hair I was 'unishing myself for lo)ing someone so much% I was trying to be stronger% =y the time I came out of ?d+s =arbersho', I was a new creation% 4he other 'eo'le 'assing through the bus station, to the e3tent they noticed me at all, took me for a student at a nearby boarding school% " 're' school kid, a touch arty, wearing an old man+s suit and no doubt reading 6amus or Qerouac% 4here was a kind of beatnik @uality to the Durenmatt+s suit% 4he trousers had a sharkskin sheen% =ecause of my height I could 'ass for older than I was, se)enteen, maybe eighteen% ;nder the suit was a crew neck sweater, under the sweater was an alligator shirt, two 'rotecti)e layers of 'arental money ne3t to my skin, 'lus the golden Aallabees on my feet% If anyone noticed me, they thought I was 'laying dress/u', as teenagers do% Inside these clothes my heart was still beating like mad% I didn+t know what to do ne3t% &uddenly I had to 'ay attention to things I+d ne)er 'aid any attention to% 4o bus

C#.

schedules and bus fares, to budgeting money, to worrying about money, to scanning a menu for the absolutely chea'est thing that would fill me u', which that day in &cranton turned out to be chili% I ate a bowl of it, stirring in multi'le 'ackets of crackers, and looked o)er the bus routes% 4he best thing to do, it being fall, was to head south or west for the winter, and because I didn+t want to go south I decided to go west% 4o 6alifornia% Ahy notD I checked to see what the fare would be% "s I feared, it was too much% 4hroughout the morning it had dri((led on and off, but now the clouds were breaking u'% "cross the des'erate eatery, through the rain/greased windows and beyond the access road that bounded a stri' of slo'ing littered grass, ran the Interstate% I watched the traffic whi((ing along, feeling less hungry now but still lonely and scared% 4he waitress came o)er and asked if I wanted coffee% 4hough I had ne)er had a cu' of coffee before, I said yes% "fter she ser)ed it to me, I doctored it with two 'ackets of creamer and four of sugar% Ahen it tasted roughly like coffee ice cream, I drank it% 9rom the terminal buses were steadily 'ulling out, lea)ing gassy trails% Down on the highway cars s'ed along% I wanted to take a shower% I wanted to lie down in clean sheets and go to slee'% I could get a motel room for _9%9., but I wanted to be farther away before I did that% I sat in the booth for a long time% I couldn+t see my way to the ne3t ste'% 9inally, an idea occurred to me% aying my bill, I left the bus terminal% I crossed the access road and shuffled down the slo'e% I set down my suitcase on the shoulder and, ste''ing out to face the oncoming traffic, tentati)ely stuck out my thumb% !y 'arents had always cautioned me against hitchhiking% &ometimes !ilton 'ointed out stories in the news'a'er detailing the gruesome ends of coeds who had made that mistake% !y thumb was not )ery high in the air% 7alf of me was against the idea% 6ars s'ed 'ast% Ho one sto''ed% !y reluctant thumb was shaking% I had miscalculated with *uce% I thought that after talking to me he would decide that I was normal and lea)e me alone% =ut I was beginning to understand something about normality% Hormality wasn+t normal% It couldn+t be% If normality were normal, e)erybody could lea)e it alone% 4hey could sit back and let normality manifest itself% =ut 'eo'le<and es'ecially doctors<had doubts about normality% 4hey weren+t sure normality was u' to the Bob% "nd so they felt inclined to gi)e it a boost% "s for my 'arents, I held them blameless% 4hey were only trying to sa)e me from humiliation, lo)elessness, e)en death% I learned later that Dr% *uce had em'hasi(ed the medical risk in letting my condition go untreated% 4he ,gonadal tissue,1 as he referred to my undescended testes, often became cancerous in later years% 8I+m forty/one now, howe)er, and so far nothing has ha''ened%: " semi a''eared around the bend, blowing black smoke from an u'right e3haust 'i'e% In the window of the red cab the dri)er+s head was bouncing like the head of a doll on a s'ring% 7is face turned in my direction, and as the huge truck roared 'ast, he engaged the brakes% 4he rear wheels of the cab smoked a little, s@uealed, and then twenty yards ahead of me the truck was waiting% *ifting my suitcase, with a wild e3citement, I ran u' to the truck% =ut when I reached it I sto''ed% 4he door looked so high u'% 4he huge )ehicle sat rumbling, shuddering% I couldn+t see the dri)er from my )antage 'oint and stood 'araly(ed with indecision% 4hen suddenly the trucker+s face a''eared in the window, startling me% 7e o'ened the door% ,Jou coming u' or whatD1 ,6oming,1 I said%

C#6

4he cab was not clean% 7e had been tra)eling for some time and there were food containers and bottles strewn around% ,Jour Bob is to kee' me awake,1 the trucker said% Ahen I didn+t res'ond right away he looked o)er at me% 7is eyes were red% 0ed, too, were the 9u !anchu mustache and the long sideburns% ,Just kee' talking,1 he said% ,Ahat do you want to talk aboutD1 ,9uck/all if I know>1 he shouted angrily% =ut Bust as suddenly: ,Indians> Jou know anything about IndiansD1 ,"merican IndiansD1 ,Jeah% I 'ick u' a lot of InBuns when I dri)e out west% 4hose are some of the cra(iest motherfuckers I e)er heard% 4hey got all kinds of theories and shit%1 ,*ike whatD1 ,*ike some of +em say they didn+t come o)er the =ering land bridge% "re you familiar with the =ering land bridgeD 4hat+s u' there in "laska% 6alled the =ering &trait now% It+s water% *ittle sli)er of water between "laska and 0ussia% *ong time ago, though, it was land, and that+s where the Indians came o)er from% 9rom like 6hina or !ongolia% Indians are really 2rientals%1 ,I didn+t know that,1 I said% I was feeling less scared now than before% 4he trucker was a''arently taking me at face )alue% ,=ut some of these Indians I 'ick u', they say their 'eo'le didn+t come o)er the land bridge% 4hey say they come from a lost island, like "tlantis%1 ,Join the club%1 ,Jou know what else they sayD1 ,AhatD1 ,4hey say it was Indians wrote the -onstitution % 4he ;%&% -onstitution >1 "s it turned out, he did most of the talking% I said )ery little% =ut my 'resence was enough to kee' him awake% 4alking about Indians reminded him about meteors; there was a meteor in !ontana that the Indians considered sacred, and soon he was telling me about the celestial sights a trucker+s life ac@uainted a 'erson with, the shooting stars and comets and green rays% ,Jou e)er seen a green rayD1 he asked me% ,Ho%1 ,4hey say you can+t take a 'icture of a green ray, but I got one% I always kee' a camera in the cab in case I come across some mind/blowing shit like that% "nd one time I saw this green ray and I grabbed my camera and I got it% I+)e got the 'icture at home%1 ,Ahat is a green rayD1 ,It+s the color the sun makes when it rises and sets% 9or two seconds% Jou can see it best in the mountains%1 7e took me as far as 2hio and let me off in front of a motel% I thanked him for the ride and carried my suitcase u' to the office% 7ere the suit also came in useful% lus the e3'ensi)e luggage% I didn+t look like a runaway% 4he motel clerk may ha)e had doubts about my age, but I laid money on the counter right away, and the key was forthcoming% "fter 2hio came Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, and Hebraska% I rode in station wagons, s'ort cars, rented )ans% &ingle women ne)er 'icked me u', only men, or men with women% " 'air of Dutch tourists sto''ed for me, com'laining about the frigidity of "merican beer, and sometimes I got rides from cou'les who were fighting and tired of each other% In e)ery case, 'eo'le took me for the teenage boy I was e)ery minute more conclusi)ely becoming% &o'hie &assoon wasn+t around to wa3 my mustache, so it

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began to fill in, a smudge abo)e my u''er li'% !y )oice continued to dee'en% ?)ery Bolt in the road dro''ed my "dam+s a''le another notch in my neck% If 'eo'le asked, I told them I was on my way to 6alifornia for my freshman year at college% I didn+t know much about the world, but I knew something about colleges, or at least about homework, and so claimed that I was going to &tanford to li)e in a dorm% 4o be honest, my dri)ers weren+t too sus'icious% 4hey didn+t care one way or another% 4hey had their own agendas% 4hey were bored, or lonely, and wanted someone to talk to% *ike a con)ert to a new religion, I o)erdid it at first% &omewhere near -ay, Indiana, I ado'ted a swagger% I rarely smiled% !y e3'ression throughout Illinois was the 6lint ?astwood s@uint% It was all a bluff, but so was it on most men% Ae were all walking around s@uinting at each other% !y swagger wasn+t that different from what lots of adolescent boys 'ut on, trying to be manly% 9or that reason it was con)incing% Its )ery falseness made it credible% How and then I fell out of character% 9eeling something stuck to the bottom of my shoe, I kicked u' my heel and looked back o)er my shoulder to see what it was, rather than crossing my leg in front of me and twisting u' my shoe% I 'icked correct change from my o'en 'alm instead of my trouser 'ocket% &uch sli's made me 'anic, but needlessly% Ho one noticed% I was aided by that: as a rule 'eo'le don+t notice much% It would be a lie to tell you I understood e)erything I was feeling% Jou don+t, at fourteen% "n instinct for self/'reser)ation told me to run, and I was running% Dread 'ursued me% I missed my 'arents% I felt guilty for making them worry% Dr% *uce+s re'ort haunted me% "t night, in )arious motels, I cried myself to slee'% 0unning away didn+t make me feel any less of a monster% I saw ahead of me only humiliation and reBection, and I we't for my life% =ut in the mornings I woke u' feeling better% I left my motel room and went out to stand in the air of the world% I was young, and, des'ite dread, full of animal s'irits; it was im'ossible for me to take a dark )iew too long% &omehow I was able to forget about myself for long stretches% I ate doughnuts for breakfast% I ke't drinking )ery sweet, milky coffee% 4o lift my mood, I did things my 'arents wouldn+t ha)e let me do, ordering two and sometimes three desserts and ne)er eating salads% I was free now to let my teeth rot or to 'ut my feet u' on the backs of seats% &ometimes while I was hitching I saw other runaways% ;nder o)er'asses or in runoff drains they congregated, smoking cigarettes, the hoods of their sweatshirts 'ulled u'% 4hey were tougher than I was, scroungier% I steered clear of their 'acks% 4hey were from broken homes, had been 'hysically abused and now abused others% I wasn+t anything like them% I had brought my family+s u'ward mobility out onto the road% I Boined no 'acks but went my way alone% "nd now, amid the 'rairie, a''ears the recreation )ehicle belonging to !yron and &yl)ia =resnick, of elham, Hew Jork% *ike a modern/day co)ered wagon, it rolls out of the wa)ing grasslands and sto's% " door o'ens, like the door of a house, and standing inside is a 'erky woman in her late si3ties% ,I think we+)e got room for you,1 she says% " moment before, I had been on 0oute 50 in western Iowa% =ut now as I carry my suitcase onto this shi' of the 'rairie, I am suddenly in the =resnicks+ li)ing room% 9ramed 'hotogra'hs of their children hang on the walls, along with 6hagall 'rints% 4he history of Ainston 6hurchill that !yron is working his way through at night at the hooku's sits on the coffee table%

C#5

!yron is a retired 'arts salesman, &yl)ia a former social worker% In 'rofile she resembles a cute unchinello, her cheeks e3'ressi)e, 'ainted, and the nose car)ed for comic effect% !yron works his li's around his cigar, foul and intimate with his own Buices% Ahile !yron dri)es, &yl)ia gi)es me a tour of the beds, the shower, the li)ing area% Ahat school do I go toD Ahat do I want to beD &he 'e''ers me with @uestions% !yron turns from the wheel and booms, ,&tanford> -ood school>1 "nd it is right then that it ha''ens% "t some moment on 0oute 50 something clicks in my head and suddenly I feel I am getting the hang of it% !yron and &yl)ia are treating me like a son% ;nder this collecti)e delusion I become that, for a little while at least% I become male/identified% =ut something daughterly must cling to me, too% 9or soon &yl)ia has taken me aside to com'lain about her husband% ,I know it+s tacky% 4his whole 0O thing% Jou should see the 'eo'le we meet in these cam's% 4hey call it the L0O lifestyle%+ 2h, they+re nice enough<but boring% I miss going to cultural e)ents% !yron says he s'ent his life tra)eling around the country too busy to see it% &o he+s doing it o)er again< slowly% "nd guess who gets dragged alongD1 ,!y heartD1 !yron is calling to her% ,6ould you bring your husband an iced tea, 'leaseD 7e+s 'arched%1 4hey let me off in Hebraska% I counted my money and found I had two hundred and thirty dollars left% I found a chea' room in a kind of boardinghouse and stayed the night% I was still too scared to hitchhike in the dark% 2n the road there was time for minor adBustments% !any of the socks I+d brought were the wrong color<'ink, white, or co)ered with whales% "lso my under'ants weren+t the right kind% "t a Aoolworth+s in Hebraska 6ity I bought a three/'ack of bo3er shorts% "s a girl, I had worn si(e large% "s a boy, medium% I trolled through the toiletries section, too% Instead of row u'on row of beauty 'roducts there was only a single rack of hygienic essentials% 4he e3'losion in men+s cosmetics hadn+t ha''ened yet% 4here were no 'am'ering unguents disguised by rugged names% Ho 7ea)y/Duty &kin 0e'air% Ho "nti/=urn &ha)e -el% I selected deodorant, dis'osable ra(ors, and sha)ing cream% 4he colorful cologne bottles attracted me, but my e3'erience with aftersha)es was not fa)orable% 6ologne made me think of )oice coaches, of maVtre d+s, of old men and their unwanted embraces% I 'icked out a man+s wallet, too% "t the register, I couldn+t look the cashier in the face, as embarrassed as if I were buying condoms% 4he cashier wasn+t much older than I was, with blond, feathered hair% 4hat heartland look% "t restaurants I began to use the men+s rooms% 4his was 'erha's the hardest adBustment% I was scandali(ed by the filth of men+s rooms, the rank smells and 'ig sounds, the grunting and huffing from the stalls% ;rine was fore)er 'uddled on the floors% &cra's of soiled toilet 'a'er adhered to the commodes% Ahen you entered a stall, more often than not a 'lumbing emergency greeted you, a brown tide, a sou' of dead frogs% 4o think that a toilet stall had once been a ha)en for me> 4hat was all o)er now% I could see at once that men+s rooms, unlike the ladies+, 'ro)ided no comfort% 2ften there wasn+t e)en a mirror, or any hand soa'% "nd while the closeted, flatulent men showed no shame, at the urinals men acted ner)ous% 4hey looked straight ahead like horses with blinders% I understood at those times what I was lea)ing behind: the solidarity of a shared biology% Aomen know what it means to ha)e a body% 4hey understand its difficulties and frailties, its glories and 'leasures% !en think their bodies are theirs alone% 4hey

C#9

tend them in 'ri)ate, e)en in 'ublic% " word on 'enises% Ahat was 6al+s official 'osition on 'enisesD "mong them, surrounded by them, his feelings were the same as they had been as a girl: by e@ual measures fascinated and horrified% enises had ne)er really done that much for me% !y girlfriends and I had a comical o'inion of them% Ae hid our guilty interest by giggling or 'retending disgust% *ike e)ery schoolgirl on a field tri', I+d had my blushing moments among the 0oman anti@uities% I+d stolen 'eeks when the teacher+s back was turned% It+s our first art lesson as kids, isn+t itD 4he nudes are dressed% 4hey+re dressed in high/mindedness% =eing si3 years older, my brother had ne)er shared a bathtub with me% 4he glim'ses of his genitals I+d had o)er the years were fleeting% I+d studiously looked away% ?)en Jerome had 'enetrated me without my seeing what went on% "nything so long concealed couldn+t fail to intrigue me% =ut the glim'ses those men+s rooms afforded were on the whole disa''ointing% 4he 'roud 'hallus was nowhere in e)idence, only the feed bag, the dry tuber, the snail that had lost its shell% "nd I was scared to death of being caught looking% Des'ite my suit, my haircut, and my height, e)ery time I went into a men+s room a shout rang out in my head: ,Jou+re in the men+s>1 =ut the men+s was where I was su''osed to be% Hobody said a word% Hobody obBected to my 'resence% "nd so I searched for a stall that looked halfway clean% I had to sit to urinate% &till do% "t night, on the fungal car'ets of motel rooms, I did e3ercises, 'ush/u's and sit/u's% Aearing nothing but my new bo3ers, I e3amined my 'hysi@ue in the mirror% Hot long ago I+d fretted o)er my failure to de)elo'% 4hat worry was gone now% I didn+t ha)e to li)e u' to that standard anymore% 4he im'ossible demands had been remo)ed and I felt a )ast relief% =ut there were also moments of dislocation, staring at my changing body% &ometimes it didn+t feel like my own% It was hard, white, bony% =eautiful in its own way, I su''osed, but &'artan% Hot rece'ti)e or 'liant at all% 6ontents under 'ressure, rather% It was in those motel rooms that I learned about my new body, its s'ecific instructions and contraindications% 4he 2bBect and I had worked in the dark% &he had ne)er really e3'lored my a''aratus much% 4he 6linic had medicali(ed my genitals% During my time there they were numb or slightly tender from the constant e3aminations% !y body had shut down in order to get through the ordeal% =ut tra)eling woke it u'% "lone, with the door locked and the chain on, I e3'erimented with myself% I 'ut 'illows between my legs% I lay on to' of them% 7alf 'aying attention, while I watched Johnny 6arson, my hand 'ros'ected% 4he an3iety I+d always felt about how I was made had ke't me from e3'loring the way most kids did% &o it was only now, lost to the world and e)eryone I knew, that I had the courage to try it out% I can+t discount the im'ortance of this% If I had doubts about my decision, if I sometimes thought about turning back, running back to my 'arents and the 6linic and gi)ing in, what sto''ed me was this 'ri)ate ecstasy between my legs% I knew it would be taken from me% I don+t want to o)erestimate the se3ual% =ut it was a 'owerful force for me, es'ecially at fourteen, with my ner)es bright and Bangling, ready to launch into a sym'hony at the slightest 'ro)ocation% 4hat was how 6al disco)ered himself, in )olu'tuous, li@uid, sterile culmination, couchant u'on two or three deformed 'illows, with the shades drawn and the drained swimming 'ool outside and the cars 'assing, endlessly, all night% 2utside Hebraska 6ity, a sil)er Ho)a hatchback 'ulled o)er% I ran u' with my suitcase and o'ened the 'assenger door% "t the wheel was a good/looking man in his early thirties% 7e wore a tweed coat and yellow O/neck sweater% 7is 'laid shirt was

C50

o'en at the collar, but the wings were cris' with starch% 4he formality of his clothes contrasted with his rela3ed manner% ,7ello deh,1 he said, doing a =rooklyn accent% ,4hanks for sto''ing%1 7e lit a cigarette and introduced himself, e3tending his hand% ,=en &cheer%1 ,!y name+s 6al%1 7e didn+t ask the usual @uestions about my origin and destination% Instead, as we dro)e off, he asked, ,Ahere did you get that suitD1 ,&al)ation "rmy%1 ,0eal nice%1 ,0eallyD1 I said% "nd then reconsidered% ,Jou+re teasing%1 ,Ho, I+m not,1 said &cheer% ,I like a suit somebody died in% It+s )ery e3istential%1 ,Ahat+s thatD1 ,Ahat+s whatD1 ,?3istentialD1 7e ga)e me a direct look% ,"n e3istentialist is someone who li)es for the moment%1 Ho one had e)er talked to me like this before% I liked it% "s we dro)e on through the yellow country, &cheer told me other interesting things% I learned about Ionesco and the 4heater of the "bsurd% "lso about "ndy Aarhol and the Oel)et ;nderground% It+s hard to e3'ress the e3citement such 'hrases instilled in a kid like me from the cultural sticks% 4he 6harm =racelets wanted to 'retend they were from the ?ast, and I guess I had 'icked u' that urge, too% ,Did you e)er li)e in Hew JorkD1 I asked% ,;sed to%1 ,I was Bust there% I want to li)e there someday%1 ,I li)ed there ten years%1 ,Ahy did you lea)eD1 "gain the direct look% ,I woke u' one morning and reali(ed, if I didn+t, I+d be dead in a year%1 4his, too, seemed mar)elous% &cheer+s face was handsome, 'ale, with an "siatic cast to his gray eyes% 7is light brown fri((y hair was scru'ulously brushed, and 'arted by fiat% "fter a while I noticed other niceties of his dress, the monogrammed cuff links, the Italian loafers% I liked him immediately% &cheer was the kind of man I thought I would like to be myself% &uddenly, from the rear of the car there eru'ted a magnificent, weary, soul/em'tying sigh% ,7ow ya doin+, 9ranklinD1 &cheer called% 2n hearing his name, 9ranklin lifted his troubled, regal head from the recesses of the hatchback, and I saw the black/and/white markings of an ?nglish setter% "ncient, rheumy/eyed, he ga)e me the once/o)er and dro''ed back out of sight% &cheer was meanwhile 'ulling off the highway% 7e had a bree(y highway dri)ing style, but when making any kind of maneu)er he sna''ed into military action, 'ummeling the wheel with strong hands% 7e 'ulled into the 'arking lot of a con)enience store% ,=ack in a minute%1 7olding a cigarette at his hi' like a riding cro', he walked with cli''ed ste's into the store% Ahile he was gone I looked around the car% It was immaculately clean, the floor mats freshly )acuumed% 4he glo)e bo3 contained orderly ma's and ta'es of !abel !ercer% &cheer rea''eared with two full sho''ing bags%

C51

,I think road drinks are in order,1 he said% 7e had a twel)e/'ack carton of beer, two bottles of =lue Hun, and a bottle of *ancers rosI, in a fau3 clay bottle% 7e set all of these on the backseat% 4his was 'art of being so'histicated, too% Jou drank chea' *iebfraumilch in 'lastic cu's, calling it cocktails, and car)ed off hunks of 6heddar cheese with a &wiss "rmy knife% &cheer had assembled a nice hors d+oeu)re 'latter from meager sources% 4here were also oli)es% Ae headed back out across the no/man+s/land, while &cheer directed me to o'en the wine and ser)e him snacks% I was now his 'age% 7e had me 'ut in the !abel !ercer ta'e and then enlightened me about her meticulous 'hrasing% &uddenly he raised his )oice% ,6o's% Qee' your glass down%1 I @uickly lowered my =lue Hun and we dro)e on, acting cool as the state troo'er 'assed on our left% =y now &cheer was doing the co'+s )oice% ,I know city slickers when I see +em and them thar+s two of the slickest of +em all% I+d wager they+re u' to no good%1 4o all this I res'onded with laughter, ha''y to be in league against the world of hy'ocrites and rulemongers% Ahen it began to grow dark, &cheer chose a steak house% I was worried it might be too e3'ensi)e, but he told me, ,Dinner+s on me tonight%1 Inside, it was busy, a 'o'ular 'lace, the only table o'en a small one near the bar% 4o the waitress &cheer said, ,I+ll ha)e a )odka martini, )ery dry, two oli)es, and my son here will ha)e a beer%1 4he waitress looked at me% ,7e got any IDD1 ,Hot on me,1 I said% ,6an+t ser)e you, then%1 ,I was there at his birth% I can )ouch for him,1 said &cheer% ,&orry, no ID, no alcohol%1 ,2kay, then,1 said &cheer% ,6hanged my mind% I+ll ha)e a )odka martini, )ery dry, two oli)es, and a beer chaser%1 4hrough her tight li's the waitress said, ,Jou gonna let your friend drink that beer I can+t ser)e it to you%1 ,4hey+re both for me,1 &cheer assured her% 7e dee'ened his )oice a little, o'ened the tone a little, inBecting it with an ?astern or I)y *eague authority whose influence did not entirely dissi'ate e)en all the way out here in the steak house on the 'lains% 4he waitress, resentful, com'lied% &he walked off and &cheer leaned toward me% 7e did his hick )oice again% ,Hothing wrong with that gal that a good 'oke in the hay barn wouldn+t fi3% "nd you+re Bust the stud for the Bob%1 7e didn+t seem drunk, but this crudeness was new; he was a little less 'recise in his mo)ements now, his )oice louder% ,Jeah,1 said &cheer, ,I think she+s sweet on you% Jou and !ayella could be ha''y together%1 I was feeling the wine strongly, too, my head like a mirrored ball, flashing lights% 4he waitress brought the drinks, setting them demonstrati)ely on &cheer+s side of the table% "s soon as she disa''eared, he 'ushed the beer toward me and said, ,4here you go%1 ,4hanks%1 I drank the beer in gul's, 'ushing it back across the table whene)er the waitress 'assed by% It was fun to be sneaking it like this% =ut I was not unobser)ed% " man at the bar was watching me% Aearing a 7awaiian shirt and sunglasses, he looked as though he disa''ro)ed% =ut then his face

C5C

broke into a big, knowing smile% 4he smile made me uncomfortable and I looked away% Ahen we came out again, the sky was com'letely dark% =efore lea)ing, &cheer o'ened the hatch of the Ho)a to get 9ranklin out% 4he old dog could no longer walk, and &cheer had to lift him bodily out of the car% ,*et+s go, 9ranks,1 &cheer said, gruffly affectionate, and with a lit cigarette between his teeth, angled u' in a 'atrician manner not unlike that of 9ranklin 0oose)elt himself, in -ucci loafers and side)ented, gold/hued tweed Backet, his strong 'olo 'layer+s legs braced under the weight, he carried the aged beast into the weeds% =efore going back to the highway, he sto''ed at a con)enience store to get more beer% Ae dro)e for another hour or so% &cheer consumed many beers; I worked my way through one or two% I was not at all sober and feeling slee'y% I leaned against my door, blearily looking out% " long white car came alongside us% 4he dri)er looked at me, smiling, but I was already falling aslee'% &ometime later, &cheer shook me awake% ,I+m too wrecked to dri)e% I+m 'ulling o)er%1 I said nothing to this% ,I+m going to find a motel% I+ll get you a room, too% 2n me%1 I didn+t obBect% &oon I saw ha(y motel lights% &cheer left the car and returned with my room key% 7e led me to my room, carrying my suitcase, and o'ened the door for me% I went to the bed and colla'sed% !y head was s'inning% I managed to 'ull down the beds'read and get at the 'illows% ,Jou gonna slee' in your clothesD1 &cheer asked as if amused% I felt his hand on my back, rubbing it% ,Jou shouldn+t slee' in your clothes,1 he said% 7e started to undress me, but I roused myself% ,Just let me slee',1 I said% &cheer bent closer% In a thick )oice he said, ,Jour 'arents kick you out, 6alD Is that itD1 7e sounded suddenly )ery drunk, as if all the day+s and night+s drinking had finally hit him% ,I+m going to slee',1 I said% ,6ome on,1 whis'ered &cheer% ,*et me take care of you%1 I curled u' 'rotecti)ely, kee'ing my eyes closed% &cheer nu((led me, but when I didn+t res'ond, he sto''ed% I heard him o'en the door and then close it behind him% Ahen I awoke again, it was early in the morning% *ight was coming in the windows% "nd &cheer was right ne3t to me% 7e was hugging me clumsily, his eyes s@uee(ed shut% ,Just wanna slee' here,1 he said, slurring% ,Just wanna slee'%1 !y shirt had been unbuttoned% &cheer was wearing only his underwear% 4he tele)ision was on, and there were em'ty beers on it% &cheer clutched me, 'ressing his face into mine, making sounds% I tolerated this, feeling obliged for some reason% =ut when his drunken attentions became more a)id, more targeted, I 'ushed him off me% 7e didn+t 'rotest% 7e crum'led into a ball and @uickly 'assed out% I got u' and went into the bathroom% 9or a long while I sat on the toilet lid, hugging my knees% Ahen I 'eeked out again, &cheer was still sound aslee'% 4here was no lock on the door, but I was des'erate for a shower% I took a @uick one, kee'ing the curtain o'en and my eyes on the door% 4hen I changed into a new shirt, 'ut my suit back on, and let myself out of the room% It was )ery early% Ho traffic was 'assing along the road% I walked away from the

C5E

motel and sat on my &amsonite, waiting% =ig o'en sky% " few birds in it% I was hungry again% !y head hurt% I got out my wallet and counted my dwindling money% I contem'lated calling home for the hundredth time% I started to cry but sto''ed myself% 4hen I heard a car coming% 9rom the motel 'arking lot a white *incoln 6ontinental emerged% I 'ut out my thumb% 4he car sto''ed alongside me and the 'ower window slowly went down% "t the wheel was the man from the restaurant the day before% ,Ahere you headedD1 ,6alifornia%1 4hat smile again% *ike something bursting% ,Aell then, this is your lucky day% 4hat+s where I+m headed, too%1 I hesitated only a moment% 4hen I o'ened the back door of the big car and slid my suitcase in% I didn+t ha)e, at that 'oint, much choice in the matter%

4ender 'ysphoria in San *rancisco

7is name was =ob resto% 7e had soft, white, fat hands and a 'lum' face and wore a white guayabera shot with gold threads% 7e was )ain of his )oice, had been a radio announcer for many years before getting into his 'resent line of business% Ahat that was he didn+t s'ecify% =ut its lucrati)e nature was e)ident in the white 6ontinental with red leather seats and in resto+s gold watch and Beweled rings, his newscaster+s hair% Des'ite these grown/man touches, there was much of the mama+s boy to resto% 7e had the body of a little fatty, though he was big, close to two hundred 'ounds% 7e reminded me of the =ig =oy at the ?lias =rothers+ chain of restaurants, only older, coarsened and bloated by adult )ices% 2ur con)ersation began the usual way, resto asking me about myself and I gi)ing the standard lies% ,Ahere you off to in 6aliforniaD1 ,6ollege%1 ,Ahat schoolD1 ,&tanford%1 ,I+m im'ressed% I+)e got a brother/in/law went to &tanford% =ig muckety/muck% Ahere is that againD1 ,&tanfordD1 ,Jeah, what cityD1 ,I forget%1 ,Jou forgetD I thought &tanford students were su''osed to be smart% 7ow are you going to get there if you don+t know where it isD1 ,I+m meeting my friend% 7e+s got all the details and stuff%1 ,It+s nice to ha)e friends,1 resto said% 7e turned and winked at me% I didn+t know how to inter'ret this wink% I ke't @uiet, staring forward at the road ahead% 2n the buffet/like front seat between us were many su''lies, soft drink bottles and bags of chi's and cookies% resto offered me whate)er I wanted% I was too hungry to refuse, and took a few cookies, trying not to wolf them down% ,I+ll tell you,1 resto said, ,the older I get, the younger college kids look% If you asked me, I+d say you were still in high school% Ahat year you inD1 ,9reshman%1 "gain resto+s face broke into the candy/a''le grin% ,I wish I were in your shoes%

C5$

6ollege is the best time of life% I ho'e you+re ready for all the girls%1 " chuckle accom'anied this, to which I was obliged to add one of my own% ,I had a lot of girlfriends in college, 6al,1 resto said% ,I worked for the college radio station% I used to get all kinds of free records% "nd if I liked a girl, I used to dedicate songs to her%1 7e ga)e me a sam'le of his style, crooning low: ,4his one goes out to Jennifer, @ueen of "nthro 101% I+d lo)e to study your culture, baby%1 resto+s Bowly head bowed and his eyebrows rose in modest recognition of his )ocal gifts% ,*et me gi)e you a little ad)ice about women, 6al% Ooice% Ooice is a big turn/on for women% He)er discount )oice%1 resto+s was indeed dee', dimor'hically masculine% 4he fat of his throat increased its resonance as he e3'lained, ,4ake my e3/wife, for e3am'le% Ahen we first met, I could say anything to her and she+d go bananas% Ae+d be fucking and I+d say L?nglish muffin+<and she+d come%1 Ahen I didn+t re'ly, resto said, ,I+m not offending you, am ID Jou+re not one of those !ormon kids on your mission, are youD In that suit of yoursD1 ,Ho%1 ,-ood% Jou had me worried for a minute% *et+s hear your )oice again,1 resto said% ,6ome on, gi)e me your best shot%1 ,Ahat do you want me to sayD1 ,&ay L?nglish muffin%+ 1 ,?nglish muffin%1 ,I don+t work in radio anymore, 6al% I am not a 'rofessional broadcaster% =ut my humble o'inion is that you are not DJ material% Ahat you+)e got is a thin tenor% If you want to get laid, you+d better learn to sing%1 7e laughed, grinning at me% 7is eyes showed no merriment, howe)er, but were hard, e3amining me closely% 7e dro)e one/handed, eating 'otato chi's with the other% ,Jour )oice has an unusual @uality, actually% It+s hard to 'lace%1 It seemed best to kee' @uiet% ,7ow old are you, 6alD1 ,I Bust told you%1 ,Ho, you didn+t%1 ,I Bust turned eighteen%1 ,7ow old do you think I amD1 ,I don+t know% &i3tyD1 ,2kay, you can get out now% &i3ty> I+m fifty/two, for 6hrist+s sake%1 ,I was going to say fifty%1 ,It+s all this weight%1 7e was shaking his head% ,I didn+t look old until I gained all this weight% &kinny kid like you wouldn+t know about that, would youD I thought you were a chick at first, when I saw you standing by the road% I didn+t register the suit% I Bust saw your outline% "nd I thought, Jesus, what+s a young chick like that doing hitchhikingD1 I was unable to meet resto+s ga(e now% I was beginning to feel scared again and )ery uncomfortable% ,4hat+s when I recogni(ed you% I saw you before% "t that steak house% Jou were with that @ueer%1 4here was a 'ause% ,I had him for a chicken hawk% "re you gay, 6alD1 ,AhatD1 ,Jou can tell me if you want% I+m not gay but I+)e got nothing against it%1 ,I+d like to get out now% 6ould you let me outD1 resto let go of the wheel and held his 'alms u' in the air% ,I+m sorry% I a'ologi(e%

C5.

Ho more third degree% I won+t say another word%1 ,Just let me out%1 ,If that+s what you want, okay% =ut it doesn+t make sense% Ae+re going the same way, 6al% I+ll take you to &an 9rancisco%1 7e didn+t slow down and I didn+t ask him to% 7e was true to his word and from then on remained mostly @uiet, humming along to the radio% ?)ery hour he made a 'it sto' to relie)e himself and to buy more economy/si(ed bottles of e'si, more chocolate chi' cookies, more red licorice and corn chi's% =ack on the road, he tanked u'% 7e tilted his head back while he chewed, wary about getting crumbs on his shirtfront% &oft drinks glugged down his throat% 2ur con)ersation remained general% Ae dro)e u' through the &ierra, out of He)ada and into 6alifornia% Ae got lunch at a dri)e/thru% resto 'aid for the hamburgers and milk shakes and I decided he was all right, friendly enough, and not after anything 'hysical from me% ,4ime for my 'ills,1 he said after we had eaten% ,6al, can you hand me my 'ill bottlesD 4hey+re in the glo)e com'artment%1 4here were fi)e or si3 different bottles% I handed them to resto and he tried to read their labels, slanting his eyes% ,7ere,1 he said, ,steer for a minute%1 I leaned o)er to take hold of the wheel, closer to =ob resto than I wanted to be, while he struggled with the ca's and shook out 'ills% ,!y li)er+s all fucked u'% =ecause of this he'atitis I 'icked u' in 4hailand% 9ucking country almost killed me%1 7e held u' a blue 'ill% ,4his is the one for the li)er% I+)e got a blood thinner, too% "nd one for blood 'ressure% !y blood+s all fucked u'% I+m not su''osed to eat so much%1 In this way we dro)e all day, reaching &an 9rancisco in the e)ening% Ahen I saw the city, 'ink and white, a wedding cake arrayed on hills, a new an3iety took hold of me% "ll the way across the country I had absorbed myself in reaching my destination% How I was there and I didn+t know what I would do or how I would sur)i)e% ,I+ll dro' you where)er you want,1 resto said% ,Jou got an address where you+re staying, 6alD Jour friend+s 'laceD1 ,"nywhere+s fine%1 ,I+ll take you u' to the 7aight% 4hat+ll be a good 'lace for you to get your bearings%1 Ae dro)e into the city and finally =ob resto 'ulled his car o)er and I o'ened my door% ,4hanks for the ride,1 I said% ,&ure, sure,1 said resto% 7e held out his hand% ,"nd by the way, it+s alo "lto%1 ,AhatD1 ,&tanford+s in alo "lto% Jou should get that straight if you want anyone to belie)e you+re in college%1 7e waited for me to s'eak% 4hen in a sur'risingly tender )oice, a 'rofessional trick, too, no doubt, but not without effect, resto asked, ,*isten, guy, you got any 'lace to stayD1 ,Don+t worry about me%1 ,6an I ask you something, 6alD Ahat are you, anywayD1 Aithout answering I got out of the car and o'ened the back door to get my suitcase% resto turned around in his seat, a difficult maneu)er for him% 7is )oice remained soft, dee', fatherly% ,6ome on% I+m in the business% I might be able to hel' you out% Jou a trannyD1 ,I+m going now%1 ,Don+t get offended% I know all about 're/o' and 'ost/o' and all that stuff%1 ,I don+t know what you+re talking about%1 I 'ulled my suitcase off the seat% ,7ey, not so fast% 7ere% "t least take my number% I could use a kid like you%

C56

Ahate)er you are% Jou need some money, don+t youD Jou need an easy way to make some good money, you gi)e your old friend =ob resto a call%1 I took the number to get rid of him% 4hen I turned and walked off as though I knew where I was going% ,Aatch out in the 'ark at night,1 resto called after me in his booming )oice% ,*ot of lowlifes in there%1 !y mother used to say that the umbilical cord attaching her to her children had ne)er been com'letely cut% "s soon as Dr% hilobosian had se)ered the cord of flesh, another, s'iritual connection had grown u' in its 'lace% "fter I went missing, 4essie felt that this fanciful idea was truer than e)er% In the nights, while she lay in bed waiting for the tran@uili(ers to take effect, she often 'ut her hand to her na)el, like a fisherman checking his line% It seemed to 4essie that she felt something% 9aint )ibrations reached her% 9rom these she could tell that I was still ali)e, though far away, hungry, and 'ossibly unwell% "ll this came in a kind of singing along the in)isible cord, a singing such as whales do, crying out to one another in the dee'% 9or almost a week after I disa''eared, my 'arents had remained at the *ochmoor 7otel, ho'ing I might return% 9inally, the HJ D detecti)e assigned to the case told them that the best thing to do was return home% ,Jour daughter might call% 2r turn u' there% Qids usually do% If we find her, we+ll let you know% =elie)e me% 4he best thing to do is go home and stay by the 'hone%1 0eluctantly, my 'arents took this ad)ice% =efore lea)ing, howe)er, they had made an a''ointment with Dr% *uce% ," little knowledge is a dangerous thing,1 Dr% *uce told them, offering an e3'lanation for my disa''earance% ,6allie may ha)e stolen a look at her file while I was out of my office% =ut she didn+t understand what she was reading%1 ,=ut what would make her run awayD1 4essie asked% 7er eyes were wide, im'loring% ,&he misconstrued the facts,1 *uce answered% ,&he o)ersim'lified them%1 ,I+ll be honest with you, Dr% *uce,1 said !ilton% ,2ur daughter called you a liar in that note she left% I+d like an e3'lanation why she might say something like that%1 *uce smiled tolerantly% ,&he+s fourteen% Distrustful of adults%1 ,6an we take a look at that fileD1 ,It won+t hel' you to see the file% -ender identity is )ery com'le3% It+s not a matter of sheer genetics% Heither is it a matter of 'urely en)ironmental factors% -enes and en)ironment come together at a critical moment% It+s not di/factorial% It+s tri/factorial%1 ,*et me get one thing straight,1 !ilton interru'ted% ,Is it, or is it not, still your medical o'inion that 6allie should stay the way she isD1 ,9rom the 'sychological assessment I was able to make during the brief time I treated 6allie, I would say yes, my o'inion is that she has a female gender identity%1 4essie+s com'osure broke and she sounded frantic% ,Ahy does she say she+s a boy, thenD1 ,&he ne)er said that to me,1 said *uce% ,4hat+s a new 'iece of the 'u((le%1 ,I want to see that file,1 demanded !ilton ,I+m afraid that+s not 'ossible% 4he file is for my own 'ri)ate research 'ur'oses% Jou+re free to see 6allie+s blood work and the other test results%1 !ilton e3'loded then% &houting, swearing at Dr% *uce% ,I hold you res'onsible% Jou hear meD 2ur daughter isn+t the kind to Bust run off like that% Jou must ha)e done something to her% &cared her%1

C5#

,7er situation scared her, !r% &te'hanides,1 said *uce% ,"nd let me em'hasi(e something to you%1 7e ra''ed his knuckles against his desk% ,It is of tantamount im'ortance that you find her as soon as 'ossible% 4he re'ercussions could be se)ere%1 ,Ahat are you sayingD1 ,De'ression% Dys'horia% &he+s in a )ery delicate 'sychological state%1 ,4essie,1 !ilton looked at his wife, ,you want to see the file or should we get out of here and let this bastard go screw himself%1 ,I want to see the file%1 &he was sniffling now% ,"nd watch your language, 'lease% *et+s try to be cordial%1 9inally, *uce had gi)en in and let them see it% "fter they had read the file, he offered to ree)aluate my case at a future time, and e3'ressed ho'e that I would soon be found% ,I+d ne)er take 6allie back to him in a million years,1 my mother said as they left% ,I don+t know what he did to u'set 6allie,1 said my father, ,but he did something%1 4hey returned to !iddlese3 in late &e'tember% 4he lea)es were falling from the elms, robbing the street of shelter% 4he weather began to turn colder, and from her bed at night 4essie listened to the wind and the rustling lea)es, wondering where I was slee'ing and if I was safe% 4he tran@uili(ers didn+t subdue her 'anic so much as dis'lace it% ;nder their sedation 4essie withdrew into an inner core of herself, a kind of )iewing 'latform from which she could obser)e her an3iety% 4he fear was a little less with her at those times% 4he 'ills made her mouth dry% 4hey made her head feel as though it were wra''ed in cotton, and turned the 'eri'hery of her )ision starry% &he was su''osed to take only one 'ill at a time, but she often took two% 4here was a 'lace halfway between consciousness and unconsciousness where 4essie did her best thinking% During the day she busied herself with com'any<'eo'le were constantly sto''ing by the house with food, and she had to set out trays and clean u' after them<but in the nights, a''roaching stu'efaction, she had the courage to try to come to terms with the note I+d left behind% It was im'ossible for my mother to think of me as anything but her daughter% 7er thoughts went in the same circle again and again% Aith her eyes half/o'en, 4essie ga(ed out across the dark bedroom glinting and s'arking in the corners, and saw before her all the items I had e)er worn or 'ossessed% 4hey all seemed to be hea'ed at the foot of her bed<the beribboned socks, the dolls, the hair cli's, the full set of !adeline books, the 'arty dresses, the red !ary Janes, the Bum'ers, the ?asy/=ake 2)en, the hula hoo'% 4hese obBects were the trail that led back to me% 7ow could such a trail lead to a boyD "nd yet now, a''arently, it did% 4essie went back o)er the e)ents of the last year and a half, looking for signs she might ha)e missed% It wasn+t so different from what any mother would do, confronted with a shocking re)elation about her teenage daughter% If I had died of a drug o)erdose or Boined a cult, my mother+s thinking would ha)e taken essentially the same form% 4he rea''raisal was the same but the @uestions were different% Aas that why I was so tallD Did it e3'lain why I hadn+t gotten my 'eriodD &he thought about our wa3ing a''ointments at the -olden 9leece and my husky alto<e)erything, really: the way I ne)er filled out dresses right, the way women+s glo)es no longer fit me% "ll the things 4essie had acce'ted as 'art of the awkward age suddenly seemed ominous to her% 7ow could she not ha)e known> &he was my mother, she had gi)en birth to me, she was closer to me than I was to myself% !y 'ain was her

C55

'ain, my Boy her Boy% =ut didn+t 6allie+s face ha)e a strange look sometimesD &o intense, so K masculine% "nd no fat on her, nowhere at all, all bones, no hi's% =ut it wasn+t 'ossible K and Dr% *uce had said that 6allie was a K and why hadn+t he mentioned anything about chromosomes K and how could it be trueD &o ran my mother+s thoughts, as her mind darkened and the glinting sto''ed% "nd after she had thought all these things, 4essie thought about the 2bBect, about my close friendshi' with the 2bBect% &he remembered that day when the girl had died during the 'lay, recalled rushing backstage to find me hugging the 2bBect, comforting her, stroking her hair, and the wild look on my face, not really sadness at allK 9rom this last thought 4essie turned back% !ilton, on the other hand, didn+t waste time ree)aluating the e)idence% 2n hotel stationery 6allie had 'roclaimed, ,I am not a girl%1 =ut 6allie was Bust a kid% Ahat did she knowD Qids said all kinds of cra(y things% !y father didn+t understand what had made me flee my surgery% 7e couldn+t fathom why I wouldn+t want to be fi3ed, cured% "nd he was certain that s'eculating about my reasons for running away was beside the 'oint% 9irst they had to find me% 4hey had to get me back safe and sound% 4hey could deal with the medical situation later% !ilton now dedicated himself to that end% 7e s'ent much of e)ery day on the 'hone, calling 'olice de'artments across the country% 7e 'estered the detecti)e in Hew Jork, asking if there was any 'rogress in my case% "t the 'ublic library he consulted tele'hone books, writing down the numbers and addresses of 'olice de'artments and runaway shelters, and then he methodically went down this list, calling e)ery number and asking if anyone had seen someone who fit my descri'tion% 7e sent my 'hotogra'h to these 'olice stations and he sent a memo to his franchise o'erators, asking them to 'ost my 'icture at e)ery 7ercules restaurant% *ong before my naked body a''eared in medical te3tbooks, my face a''eared on bulletin boards and in windows across the nation% 4he 'olice station in &an 9rancisco recei)ed one of the 'hotogra'hs, but there was little chance of my being recogni(ed by it now% *ike a real outlaw, I had already changed my a''earance% "nd biology was 'erfecting my disguise day by day% !iddlese3 began to fill u' with friends and relati)es again% "unt Go and our cousins came o)er to gi)e my 'arents moral su''ort% eter 4atakis closed his chiro'ractic office early one day and dro)e in from =irmingham to ha)e dinner with !ilt and 4essie% Jimmy and hyllis 9ioretos brought koulouria and ice cream% It was as if the 6y'rus in)asion had ne)er ha''ened% 4he women congregated in the kitchen, 're'aring food, while the men sat in the li)ing room, con)ersing in low tones% !ilton got the dusty bottles from the li@uor cabinet% 7e remo)ed the bottle of 6rown 0oyal from its 'ur'le )el)et sack and set it out for the guests% 2ur old backgammon set came out from under a stack of board games, and a few of the older women began to count their worry beads% ?)eryone knew that I had run away but no one knew why% ri)ately, they said to each other, ,Do you think she+s 'regnantD1 "nd, ,Did 6allie ha)e a boyfriendD1 "nd, ,&he always seemed like a good kid% He)er would ha)e thought she+d 'ull something like this%1 "nd, ,"lways crowing about their kid with the straight "+s at that hoity/toity school% Aell, they+re not crowing now%1 9ather !ike held 4essie+s hand as she lay suffering on the bed u'stairs% 0emo)ing his Backet, wearing only his black short/slee)ed shirt and collar, he told her that he would 'ray for my return% 7e ad)ised 4essie to go to church and light a candle for me% I ask myself now what 9ather !ike+s face looked like as he held my mother+s hand in the master bedroom% Aas there any hint of "chadenfreude D 2f taking 'leasure

C59

in the unha''iness of his former fiancIeD 2f enBoyment at the fact that his brother/in/law+s money couldn+t 'rotect him from this misfortuneD 2r of relief that for once, on the ride home, his wife, GoF, wouldn+t be able to com'are him unfa)orably with !iltonD I can+t answer these @uestions% "s for my mother, she was tran@uili(ed, and remembers only that the 'ressure in her eyes made 9ather !ike+s face a''ear oddly elongated, like a 'riest in a 'ainting by ?l -reco% "t night 4essie sle't fitfully% anic ke't waking her u'% In the morning she made the bed but, after breakfast, sometimes went to lie on it again, lea)ing her tiny white Qeds neatly on the car'et and closing the shades% 4he sockets of her eyes darkened and the blue )eins at her tem'les )isibly throbbed% Ahen the tele'hone rang, her head felt as if it would e3'lode% ,7elloD1 ,"ny wordD1 It was "unt Go% 4essie+s heart sank% ,Ho%1 ,Don+t worry% &he+ll turn u'%1 4hey s'oke for a minute before 4essie said she had to go% ,I shouldn+t tie u' the line%1 ?)ery morning a great wall of fog descends u'on the city of &an 9rancisco% It begins far out at sea% It forms o)er the 9arallons, co)ering the sea lions on their rocks, and then it swee's onto 2cean =each, filling the long green bowl of -olden -ate ark% 4he fog obscures the early morning Boggers and the lone 'ractitioners of tai chi% It mists u' the windows of the -lass a)ilion% It cree's o)er the entire city, o)er the monuments and mo)ie theaters, o)er the anhandle do'e dens and the flo'houses in the 4enderloin% 4he fog co)ers the 'astel Oictorian mansions in acific 7eights and shrouds the rainbow/colored houses in the 7aight% It walks u' and down the twisting streets of 6hinatown; it boards the cable cars, making their clanging bells sound like buoys; it climbs to the to' of 6oit 4ower until you can+t see it anymore; it mo)es in on the !ission, where the mariachi 'layers are still aslee'; and it bothers the tourists% 4he fog of &an 9rancisco, that cold, identity/cleansing mist that rolls o)er the city e)ery day, e3'lains better than anything else why that city is what it is% "fter the &econd Aorld Aar, &an 9rancisco was the main 'oint of reentry for sailors returning from the acific% 2ut at sea, many of these sailors had 'icked u' amatory habits that were frowned u'on back on dry land% &o these sailors stayed in &an 9rancisco, growing in number and attracting others, until the city became the gay ca'ital, the homose3ual Hauptstadt % 89urther e)idence of life+s un'redictability: the 6astro is a direct outcome of the military/industrial com'le3%: It was the fog that a''ealed to those sailors because it lent the city the shifting, anonymous feeling of the sea, and in such anonymity 'ersonal change was that much easier% &ometimes it was hard to tell whether the fog was rolling in o)er the city or whether the city was drifting out to meet it% =ack in the 19$0s, the fog hid what those sailors did from their fellow citi(ens% "nd the fog wasn+t done% In the fifties it filled the heads of the =eats like the foam in their ca''uccinos% In the si3ties it clouded the minds of the hi''ies like the 'ot smoke rising in their bongs% "nd in the se)enties, when 6al &te'hanides arri)ed, the fog was hiding my new friends and me in the 'ark% 2n my third day in the 7aight, I was in a cafI, eating a banana s'lit% It was my second% 4he kick of my new freedom was wearing off% -orging on sweets didn+t chase away the blues as it had a week earlier% ,&'are some changeD1

C90

I looked u'% &louching beside my small marble/to''ed table was a ty'e I knew well% It was one of the under'ass kids, the scroungy runaways I ke't my distance from% 4he hood of his sweatshirt was u', framing a flushed face, ri'e with 'im'les% ,&orry,1 I said% 4he boy bent o)er, his face getting closer to mine% ,&'are some changeD1 he said again% 7is 'ersistence annoyed me% &o I glowered at him and said, ,I should ask you the same @uestion%1 ,I+m not the one 'igging out on a sundae%1 ,I told you I don+t ha)e any s'are change%1 7e glanced behind me and asked more affably, ,7ow come you+re carrying that humongous suitcase aroundD1 ,4hat+s my business%1 ,I saw you yesterday with that thing%1 ,I ha)e enough money for this ice cream but that+s it%1 ,Don+t you ha)e any 'lace to stayD1 ,I+)e got tons of 'laces%1 ,Jou buy me a burger I+ll show you a good 'lace%1 ,I said I+)e got tons%1 ,I know a good 'lace in the 'ark%1 ,I can go into the 'ark myself% #nyone can go into the 'ark%1 ,Hot if they don+t want to get rolled they can+t% Jou don+t know what+s u', man% 4here+s 'laces in the -ate that are safe and 'laces that aren+t% !e and my friends got a nice 'lace% 0eal secluded% 4he co's don+t e)en know about it, so we can Bust 'arty all the time% !ight let you stay there but first I need that double cheese%1 ,It was a hamburger a minute ago%1 ,Jou snoo(e, you lose% rice is going u' all the time% 7ow old are you, anywayD1 ,?ighteen%1 ,Jeah, right, like I+ll belie)e that% Jou ain+t no eighteen% I+m si3teen and you+re not any older than me% Jou from !arinD1 I shook my head% It had been a while since I had s'oken to anyone my age% It felt good% It made me less lonely% =ut I still had my guard u'% ,Jou+re a rich kid, though, rightD !r% "lligatorD1 I didn+t say anything% "nd suddenly he was all a''eal, full of kid hungers, his knees shaking% ,6ome on , man% I+m hungry% 2kay, forget the double cheese% Just a burger%1 ,"ll right%1 ,6ool% " burger% "nd fries% Jou said fries, rightD Jou won+t belie)e this, man, but I got rich 'arents, too%1 &o began my time in -olden -ate ark% It turned out my new friend, !att, wasn+t lying about his 'arents% 7e was from the !ain *ine% 7is father was a di)orce lawyer in hiladel'hia% !att was the fourth child, the youngest% &tocky, with a lug+s Baw, a throaty, smoke/roughened )oice, he had left home to follow the -rateful Dead the summer before but had ne)er sto''ed% 7e sold tie/dyed 4/shirts at their concerts, and do'e or acid when he could% Dee' in the 'ark, where he led me, I found his cohorts% ,4his is 6al,1 !att told them% ,7e+s going to crash here for a while%1 ,4hat+s cool%1 ,Jou an undertaker, manD1

C91

,I thought it was "be *incoln at first%1 ,Hah, these are Bust 6al+s tra)eling clothes,1 !att said% ,7e+s got some others in that suitcase% 0ightD1 I nodded% ,Jou want to buy a shirtD I got some shirts%1 ,"ll right%1 4he cam' was located in a gro)e of mimosa trees% 4he fu((y red flowers on the branches were like 'i'e cleaners% &tretching o)er the dunes were huge e)ergreen bushes that formed natural huts% 4hey were hollow inside, the soil dry underneath% 4he bushes ke't the wind out and, most of the time, the rain% Inside, there was enough room to sit u'% ?ach bush contained a few slee'ing bags; you chose whiche)er one ha''ened to be em'ty when you wanted to slee'% 6ommunal ethics a''lied% Qids were always lea)ing the cam' or showing u'% It was e@ui''ed with all the stuff they abandoned: a cam'ing sto)e, a 'asta 'ot, miscellaneous sil)erware, Belly Bar glasses, bedding, and a glow/in/the/dark 9risbee the guys tossed around, sometimes enlisting me to e)en out the sides% 8,Jesus, -ator, you throw like a girl, man%1: 4hey were well stocked with gor', bongs, 'i'es, )ials of amyl nitrate, but understocked on towels, underwear, tooth'aste% 4here was a ditch thirty or so yards distant that we em'loyed as a latrine% 4he fountain by the a@uarium was good for washing oneself, but you had to do it at night to a)oid the 'olice% If one of the guys had a girlfriend there would be a girl around for a while% I stayed away from them, feeling they might guess my secret% I was like an immigrant, 'utting on airs, who runs into someone from the old country% I didn+t want to be found out, so remained tight/li''ed% =ut I would ha)e been laconic in that com'any in any case% 4hey were all Deadheads, and that was what the talk was% Aho saw Jerry on which night% Aho had a bootleg of which concert% !att had flunked out of high school but had an im'ressi)e mind when it came to cataloguing Dead tri)ia% 7e carried the dates and cities of their tour in his head% 7e knew the lyrics of e)ery song, when and where the Dead had 'layed it, how many times, and what songs they had 'layed only once% 7e li)ed in e3'ectation of certain songs being 'erformed as the faithful await the !essiah% &omeday the Dead were going to 'lay ,6osmic 6harlie1 and !att *arson wanted to be there to see creation redeemed% 7e had once met !ountain -irl, Jerry+s wife% ,&he was so fucking cool,1 he said% ,I would fucking lo)e a woman like that% If I found a lady as cool as !ountain -irl, I+d marry her and ha)e kids and all that shit like that%1 ,-et a Bob, tooD1 ,Ae could follow the tour% Qee' our babies in little sacks% a'oose style% "nd sell weed%1 Ae weren+t the only ones li)ing in the 'ark% 2ccu'ying some dunes on the other side of the field were homeless guys, with long beards, their faces brown from sun and dirt% 4hey were known to ransack other 'eo'le+s cam's, so we ne)er left ours unattended% 4hat was 'retty much the only rule we had% &omeone always had to stand guard% I hung around the Deadheads because I was scared alone% !y time on the road made me see the benefits of being in a 'ack% Ae had left home for different reasons% 4hey weren+t kids I would e)er ha)e been friends with in normal circumstances, but for that brief time I made do, because I had nowhere else to go% I was ne)er at ease around them% =ut they weren+t es'ecially cruel% 9ights broke out when kids had been drinking,

C9C

but the ethos was non)iolent% ?)eryone was reading "iddhartha % "n old 'a'erback got 'assed around the cam'% I read it, too% It+s one of the things I remember most about that time: 6al, sitting on a rock, reading 7ermann 7esse and learning about the =uddha% ,I heard the =uddha dro''ed acid,1 said one 7ead% ,4hat+s what his enlightenment was%1 ,4hey didn+t ha)e acid back then, man%1 ,Ho, it was like, you know, a Lshroom%1 ,I think Jerry+s the =uddha, man%1 ,Jeah>1 ,*ike when I fucking saw Jerry 'lay that forty/fi)e/minute s'ace Bam on L4ruckin+ in &anta 9e,+ I knew he was the =uddha%1 In all these con)ersations I took no 'art% &ee 6al in the far underhang of the bushes, as all the Deadheads drift off to slee'% I had run away without thinking what my life would be like% I had fled without ha)ing anywhere to run to% How I was dirty, I was running out of money% &ooner or later I would ha)e to call my 'arents% =ut for the first time in my life, I knew that there was nothing they could do to hel' me% Hothing anyone could do% ?)ery day I took the band to "li =aba+s and bought them )eggie burgers for se)enty/fi)e cents each% I o'ted out on the begging and the do'e dealing% !ostly I hung around the mimosa gro)e, in growing des'air% " few times I walked out to the beach to sit by the sea, but after a while I sto''ed doing that, too% Hature brought no relief% 2utside had ended% 4here was nowhere to go that wouldn+t be me% It was the o''osite for my 'arents% Ahere)er they went, whate)er they did, what greeted them was my absence% "fter the third week of my )anishing, friends and relati)es sto''ed coming o)er to !iddlese3 in such numbers% 4he house got @uieter% 4he 'hone didn+t ring% !ilton called 6ha'ter ?le)en, who was now li)ing in the ;''er eninsula, and said, ,Jour mother+s going through a rough 'eriod% Ae still don+t know where your sister is% I+m sure your mother would feel a little better if she could see you% Ahy don+t you come down for the weekendD1 !ilton didn+t mention anything about my note% 4hroughout my time at the 6linic he had ke't 6ha'ter ?le)en a''rised of the situation in only the sim'lest terms% 6ha'ter ?le)en heard the seriousness in !ilton+s )oice and agreed to start coming down on weekends and staying in his old bedroom% -radually, he learned the details of my condition, reacting to them in a milder way than my 'arents had, which allowed them, or at least 4essie, to begin to acce't the new reality% It was during those weekends that !ilton, des'erate to cement his restored relationshi' with his son, urged him once again to go into the family business% ,Jou+re not still going with that !eg, are youD1 ,Ho%1 ,Aell, you dro''ed out of your engineering studies% &o what are you doing nowD Jour mother and I don+t ha)e a )ery clear idea of your life u' there in !ar@uette%1 ,I work in a bar%1 ,Jou work in a barD Doing whatD1 ,&hort/order cook%1 !ilton 'aused only a moment% ,Ahat would you rather do, stay behind the grill or run 7ercules 7ot Dogs somedayD Jou+re the one that in)ented them anyway%1 6ha'ter ?le)en did not say yes% =ut he did not say no% 7e had once been a science geek, but the si3ties had changed that% ;nder the im'erati)es of that decade, 6ha'ter ?le)en had become a lacto/)egetarian, a 4ranscendental !editation student, a

C9E

chewer of 'eyote buttons% 2nce, long ago, he had sawed golf balls in half, trying to find out what was inside; but at some 'oint in his life my brother had become fascinated with the interior of the mind% 6on)inced of the essential uselessness of formali(ed education, he had retreated from ci)ili(ation% =oth of us had our moments of getting back to nature, 6ha'ter ?le)en in the ;% % and me in my bush in -olden -ate ark% =y the time my father made his offer, howe)er, 6ha'ter ?le)en had begun to tire of the woods% ,6ome on,1 !ilton said, ,let+s go ha)e a 7ercules right now%1 ,I don+t eat meat,1 6ha'ter ?le)en said% ,7ow can I run the 'lace if I don+t eat meatD1 ,I+)e been thinking about 'utting in salad bars,1 said !ilton% ,*otta 'eo'le eating a low/fat diet these days%1 ,-ood idea%1 ,JeahD Jou think soD 4hat can be your de'artment, then%1 !ilton elbowed 6ha'ter ?le)en, kidding, ,Ae+ll start you off as )ice 'resident in charge of salad bars%1 4hey dro)e to the 7ercules downtown% It was busy when they arri)ed% !ilton greeted the manager, -us Garas% , Yahsou. 1 -us looked u' and, a second late, began to smile broadly% ,7ey there, !ilt% 7ow you doingD1 ,9ine, fine% I brought the future boss down to see the 'lace%1 7e indicated 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,Aelcome to the family dynasty,1 -us Boked, s'reading his arms% 7e laughed too loudly% &eeming to reali(e this, he sto''ed% 4here was an awkward silence% 4hen -us asked, ,&o, !ilt, what+ll it beD1 ,4wo with e)erything% "nd what do we got that+s )egetarianD1 ,Ae got bean sou'%1 ,2kay% -et my kid here a bowl of bean sou'%1 ,Jou got it%1 !ilton and 6ha'ter ?le)en chose stools and waited to be ser)ed% "fter another long silence, !ilton said, ,Jou know how many of these 'laces your old man owns right nowD1 ,7ow manyD1 said 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,&i3ty/si3% -ot eight in 9lorida%1 4hat was as far as the hard sell went% !ilton ate his 7ercules hot dogs in silence% 7e knew 'erfectly well why -us was acting so o)erfriendly% It was because he was thinking what e)eryone thinks when a girl disa''ears% 7e was thinking the worst% 4here were moments when !ilton did, too% 7e didn+t admit it to anyone% 7e didn+t admit it to himself% =ut whene)er 4essie s'oke about the umbilical cord, when she claimed that she could still feel me out there somewhere, !ilton found himself wanting to belie)e her% 2ne &unday as 4essie left for church, !ilton handed her a large bill% ,*ight a candle for 6allie% -et a bunch%1 7e shrugged% ,6ouldn+t hurt%1 =ut after she was gone he shook his head% ,Ahat+s the matter with meD *ighting candles> 6hrist>1 7e was furious at himself for gi)ing in to such su'erstition% 7e )owed again that he would find me; he would get me back% &omehow or other% " chance would come his way, and when it did, !ilton &te'hanides wouldn+t miss it% 4he Dead came to =erkeley% !att and the other kids troo'ed off to the concert% I was gi)en the Bob to look after the cam'%

C9$

It is midnight in the mimosa gro)e% I awaken, hearing noises% *ights are mo)ing through the bushes% Ooices are murmuring% 4he lea)es o)er my head turn white and I can see the scaffolding of branches% *ight s'eckles the ground, my body, my face% In the ne3t second a flashlight comes bla(ing through the o'ening in my lair% 4he men are on me at once% 2ne shines his flashlight in my face as the other Bum's onto my chest, 'inning my arms% ,0ise and shine,1 says the one with the flashlight% It is two homeless guys from the dunes o''osite% Ahile the one sits on to' of me, the other begins searching the cam'% ,Ahat kind of goodies you little fuckers got in hereD1 ,*ook at him,1 says the other% ,*ittle fucker+s gonna shit his 'ants%1 I s@uee(e my legs together, the girlish fears still o'erating in me% 4hey are looking for drugs mainly% 4he one with the flashlight shakes out the slee'ing bags and searches my suitcase% "fter a while he comes back and gets down on one knee% ,Ahere are all your friends, manD 4hey go off and lea)e you all aloneD1 7e has begun to go through my 'ockets% &oon he finds my wallet and em'ties it% "s he does, my school ID falls out% 7e shines the flashlight on it% ,Ahat+s thisD Jour girlfriendD1 7e stares at the 'hoto, grinning% ,Jour girlfriend like to suck cockD I bet she does%1 7e 'icks u' the ID and holds it o)er the front of his 'ants, thrusting his hi's% ,2h yeah, she does>1 ,*et me see that,1 says the one on to' of me% 4he guy with the flashlight tosses the ID onto my chest% 4he guy 'inning me lowers his face close to mine and says in a dee' )oice, ,Don+t you mo)e, motherfucker%1 7e lets go of my arms and 'icks u' the ID% I can see his face now% -ri((led beard, bad teeth, nose askew, showing se'tum% 7e contem'lates the sna'shot% ,&kinny bitch%1 7e looks from me to the ID and his e3'ression changes% ,It+s a chick>1 ,Puick on the u'take, man% I always say that about you%1 ,Ho, I mean him %1 7e is 'ointing down at me% ,It+s her> 7e+s a she%1 7e holds u' the ID for the other one to see% 4he flashlight is again trained on 6allio'e in her bla(er and blouse% "t length the kneeling man grins% ,Jou holding out on usD 7uhD Jou got the goods stashed away under those 'antsD 7old her,1 he orders% 4he man astride me 'ins my arms again while the other one undoes my belt% I tried to fight them off% I s@uirmed and kicked% =ut they were too strong% 4hey got my 'ants down to my knees% 4he one aimed the flashlight and then s'rang away% ,Jesus 6hrist>1 ,AhatD1 ,9uck>1 ,AhatD1 ,It+s a fucking freak%1 ,AhatD1 ,I+m gonna 'uke, man% *ook>1 Ho sooner had the other one done so than he let go of me as though I were contaminated% 7e stood u', enraged% =y silent agreement, they then began to kick me%

C9.

"s they did, they uttered curses% 4he one who had 'inned me dro)e his toe into my side% I grabbed his leg and hung on% ,*et go of me, you fucking freak>1 4he other one was kicking me in the head% 7e did it three or four times before I blacked out% Ahen I came to, e)erything was @uiet% I had the im'ression they had gone% 4hen somebody chuckled% ,6ross swords,1 a )oice said% 4he twin yellow streams, scintillant, intersected, soaking me% ,6rawl back into the hole you came out of, freak%1 4hey left me there% It was still dark out when I found the 'ublic fountain by the a@uarium and bathed in it% I didn+t seem to be bleeding anywhere% !y right eye was swollen shut% !y side hurt if I took a dee' breath% I had my dad+s &amsonite with me% I had se)enty/fi)e cents to my name% I wished more than anything that I could call home% Instead, I called =ob resto% 7e said he would be right o)er to 'ick me u'%

)ermaphroditus
It+s no sur'rise that *uce+s theory of gender identity was 'o'ular in the early se)enties% =ack then, as my first barber 'ut it, e)erybody wanted to go unise3% 4he consensus was that 'ersonality was 'rimarily determined by en)ironment, each child a blank slate to be written on% !y own medical story was only a reflection of what was ha''ening 'sychologically to e)eryone in those years% Aomen were becoming more like men and men were becoming more like women% 9or a little while during the se)enties it seemed that se3ual difference might 'ass away% =ut then another thing ha''ened% It was called e)olutionary biology% ;nder its sway, the se3es were se'arated again, men into hunters and women into gatherers% Hurture no longer formed us; nature did% Im'ulses of hominids dating from C0,000=%6% were still controlling us% "nd so today on tele)ision and in maga(ines you get the current sim'lifications% Ahy can+t men communicateD 8=ecause they had to be @uiet on the hunt%: Ahy do women communicate so wellD 8=ecause they had to call out to one another where the fruits and berries were%: Ahy can men ne)er find things around the houseD 8=ecause they ha)e a narrow field of )ision, useful in tracking 'rey%: Ahy can women find things so easilyD 8=ecause in 'rotecting the nest they were used to scanning a wide field%: Ahy can+t women 'arallel/'arkD 8=ecause low testosterone inhibits s'atial ability%: Ahy won+t men ask for directionsD 8=ecause asking for directions is a sign of weakness, and hunters ne)er show weakness%: 4his is where we are today% !en and women, tired of being the same, want to be different again% 4herefore, it+s also no sur'rise that Dr% *uce+s theory had come under attack by the 1990s% 4he child was no longer a blank slate; e)ery newborn had been inscribed by genetics and e)olution% !y life e3ists at the center of this debate% I am, in a sense, its solution% "t first when I disa''eared, Dr% *uce was des'erate, feeling that he had lost his greatest find% =ut later, 'ossibly reali(ing why I had run away, he came to the conclusion that I was not e)idence in su''ort of his theory but against it% 7e ho'ed I would stay @uiet% 7e 'ublished his articles about me and 'rayed that I would ne)er show u' to refute them%

C96

=ut it+s not as sim'le as that% I don+t fit into any of these theories% Hot the e)olutionary biologists+ and not *uce+s either% !y 'sychological makeu' doesn+t accord with the essentialism 'o'ular in the interse3 mo)ement, either% ;nlike other so/called male 'seudo/herma'hrodites who ha)e been written about in the 'ress, I ne)er felt out of 'lace being a girl% I still don+t feel entirely at home among men% Desire made me cross o)er to the other side, desire and the facticity of my body% In the twentieth century, genetics brought the "ncient -reek notion of fate into our )ery cells% 4his new century we+)e Bust begun has found something different% 6ontrary to all e3'ectations, the code underlying our being is woefully inade@uate% Instead of the e3'ected C00,000 genes, we ha)e only E0,000% Hot many more than a mouse% "nd so a strange new 'ossibility is arising% 6om'romised, indefinite, sketchy, but not entirely obliterated: free will is making a comeback% =iology gi)es you a brain% *ife turns it into a mind% "t any rate, in &an 9rancisco in 19#$, life was working hard to gi)e me one%

***
4here it is again: the chlorine smell% ;nder the nasally significant odor of the girl sitting astride his la', distinct, e)en, from the buttery 'o'corn smell that still 'er)ades the old mo)ie seats, !r% -o can detect the unmistakable scent of a swimming 'ool% In hereD In &i3ty/HinersD 7e sniffs% 9lora, the girl on his la', says, ,Do you like my 'erfumeD1 =ut !r% -o does not answer% !r% -o has a way of ignoring the girls he 'ays to wiggle in his la'% Ahat he likes best is to ha)e one girl frog/kicking on to' of him while he watches another girl dancing around the glittery firemen+s 'ole on the stage% !r% -o is multitasking% =ut tonight he is unable to di)ide his attentions% 4he swimming 'ool smell is distracting him% It has done so for o)er a week% 4urning his head, which is gently bobbing under 9lora+s e3ertions, !r% -o looks at the line forming before the )el)et ro'e% 4he fifty or so theater seats here in the &how 0oom are almost entirely em'ty% In the blue light only a few men+s heads are )isible, some alone facing the stage, a few like !r% -o with a com'anion riding them: those 'ero3ide e@uestriennes% =ehind the )el)et ro'e rises a flight of stairs edged with blinking lights% 4o climb these stairs you must 'ay a se'arate admission of fi)e dollars% ;'on reaching the club+s second floor 8!r% -o has been told:, your only o'tion is to enter a booth, where it is then necessary to insert tokens, which you must buy downstairs for a @uarter each% If you do all this, you will be afforded brief glim'ses of something !r% -o does not @uite understand% !r% -o+s ?nglish is more than ade@uate% 7e has li)ed in "merica for fifty/two years% =ut the sign ad)ertising the attractions u'stairs doesn+t make much sense to him% 9or that reason he is curious% 4he chlorine smell only makes him more so% Des'ite the increased traffic going u'stairs in recent weeks, !r% -o has not yet gone himself% 7e has remained faithful to the first floor where, for the single admission 'rice of ten dollars, he has a choice of acti)ities% !r% -o might, if he so desires, @uit the &how 0oom and go into the Dark 0oom at the end of the hall% In the Dark 0oom there are flashlights with 'in'oint beams% 4here are huddled men, wielding said flashlights% If you work your way in far enough, you will find a girl, or sometimes two, lying on a

C9#

riser car'eted in foam rubber% 2f course it is in some sense an act of faith to 'ostulate the e3istence of an actual girl, or e)en two% Jou ne)er see a com'lete girl in the Dark 0oom% Jou see only 'ieces% Jou see what your flashlight illuminates% " knee, for instance, or a ni''le% 2r, of 'articular interest to !r% -o and his fellows, you see the source of life, the thing of things, 'urified as it were, without the clutter of a 'erson attached% !r% -o might also )enture into the =all 0oom% In the =all 0oom there are girls who long to slow/dance with !r% -o% 7e doesn+t care for disco music, howe)er, and at his age tires easily% It is too much effort to 'ress the girls u' against the 'added walls of the =all 0oom% !r% -o much 'refers to sit in the &how 0oom, in the stained "rt Deco theater seats that originally belonged to a mo)ie house in 2akland, now demolished% !r% -o is se)enty/three years old% ?)ery morning, to retain his )irility, he drinks a tea containing rhinoceros horn% 7e also eats the gall bladders of bears when he can get them at the 6hinese a'othecary sho' near his a'artment% 4hese a'hrodisiacs a''ear to work% !r% -o comes into &i3ty/Hiners nearly e)ery night% 7e has a Boke he likes to tell the girls who sit on his la'% ,!r% -o go for go/go%1 4hat is the only time he laughs or smiles, when he tells them that Boke% If the club is not crowded<which it rarely is downstairs anymore<9lora will sometimes gi)e !r% -o her com'any for three or four songs% 9or a dollar she will ride him for one song, but she will sit through one or two more songs for free% 4his is one of 9lora+s recommendations in !r% -o+s mind% &he is not young, 9lora, but she has nice, clear skin% !r% -o feels she is healthy% 4onight, howe)er, after only two songs, 9lora slides off !r% -o, grumbling% ,I+m not a credit bureau, you know%1 &he stalks off% !r% -o rises, adBusting his 'ants, and right then the swimming 'ool smell hits him again and his curiosity gets the better of him% 7e shuffles out of the &how 0oom and ga(es u' the stairs at the 'rinted sign:

C95

"nd now !r% -o+s curiosity has gotten the better of him% 7e buys a ticket and a handful of tokens and waits in line with the others% Ahen the bouncer lets him through, he climbs u' the blinking stairs% 4he booths on the second floor ha)e no numbers, only lights indicating whether they are occu'ied% 7e finds an em'ty one, closes the door behind him, and 'uts a token in the slot% Immediately, the screen slides away to re)eal a 'orthole looking onto underwater de'ths% !usic 'lays from a s'eaker in the roof and a dee' )oice begins narrating a story: ,2nce u'on a time in ancient -reece, there was an enchanted 'ool% 4his 'ool was sacred to &almacis, the water nym'h% "nd one day 7erma'hroditus, a beautiful boy, went swimming there%1 4he )oice continues, but !r% -o is no longer 'aying attention% 7e is looking into the 'ool, which is blue and em'ty% 7e is wondering where the girls are% 7e is beginning to regret buying a ticket to 2cto'ussy+s -arden% =ut Bust then the )oice intones: ,*adies and -entlemen, behold the god 7erma'hroditus> 7alf woman, half man>1 4here is a s'lash from abo)e% 4he water in the 'ool goes white, then 'ink% 2nly inches away on the other side of the 'orthole+s glass is a body, a li)ing body% !r% -o looks% 7e s@uints% 7e 'resses his face right u' to the 'orthole% 7e has ne)er seen anything like what he is seeing now% Hot in all his years of )isiting the Dark 0oom% 7e isn+t sure he likes what he sees% =ut the sight makes him feel strange, light/headed, weightless, and somehow younger% &uddenly the screen slides shut% Aithout hesitation !r% -o dro's another token in the slot% &an 9rancisco+s &i3ty/Hiners, =ob resto+s club: it stood in Horth =each, within )iew of the skyscra'ers downtown% It was a neighborhood of Italian cafIs, 'i((a

C99

restaurants, and to'less bars% In Horth =each you had the glit(y stri' 'alaces like 6arol Doda+s with her famous bust outlined on the mar@uee% =arkers on the sidewalks collared 'assersby: ,-entlemen> 6ome in and see the show> Just ha)e a look% Doesn+t cost anything to ha)e a look%1 Ahile the guy outside the ne3t club was shouting, ,2ur girls are the best, right this way through the curtain>1 "nd the ne3t, ,*i)e erotic show, gentlemen> lus in our establishment you can watch the football game>1 4he barkers were all interesting guys, 'oets man@uIs, most of them, and s'ent their time off in 6ity *ights =ookstore, leafing through Hew Directions 'a'erbacks% 4hey wore stri'ed 'ants, loud ties, sideburns, goatees% 4hey tended to resemble 4om Aaits, or maybe it was the other way around% *ike !amet characters, they 'o'ulated an "merica that had ne)er e3isted, a kid+s idea of shar'ies and hucksters and underworld life% It is said: &an 9rancisco is where young 'eo'le go to retire% "nd though it would certainly add color to my story to 'resent a descent into a seamy underworld, I can+t fail to mention that the Horth =each &tri' is only a few blocks long% 4he geogra'hy of &an 9rancisco is too beautiful to allow seaminess to get much of a foothold, and so along with these barkers there were many tourists afoot, tourists carrying loa)es of sourdough bread and -hirardelli chocolates% In the daytime there were roller/skaters and hackey sack 'layers in the 'arks% =ut at night things got a little seamy at last, and from 9 %!% to three in the morning the men streamed into &i3ty/Hiners% Ahich was where, ob)iously enough, I was now working% 9i)e nights a week, si3 hours a day, for the ne3t four months<and, fortunately, ne)er again<I made my li)ing by e3hibiting the 'eculiar way I am formed% 4he 6linic had 're'ared me for it, benumbing my sense of shame, and besides, I was des'erate for money% &i3ty/Hiners also had a 'erfect )enue for me% I worked with two other girls, so called: 6armen and Gora% resto was an e3'loiter, a 'orn dog, a se3 'ig, but I could ha)e done worse% Aithout him I might ne)er ha)e found myself% "fter he had 'icked me u' in the 'ark, bruised and battered, resto took me back to his a'artment% 7is Hamibian girlfriend, Ailhelmina, dressed my wounds% "t some 'oint I 'assed out again and they undressed me to 'ut me in bed% It was then that resto reali(ed the e3tent of his windfall% I drifted in and out of consciousness, catching bits of what they said to each other% ,I knew it% I knew it when I saw him at the steak house%1 ,Jou didn+t know a thing, =ob% Jou thought he was a se3/change%1 ,I knew he was a gold mine%1 "nd later, Ailhelmina: ,7ow old is heD1 ,?ighteen%1 ,7e doesn+t look eighteen%1 ,7e says he is%1 ,"nd you want to belie)e him, don+t you, =obD Jou want him to work in the club%1 ,7e called me % &o I made him an offer%1 "nd later still: ,Ahy don+t you call his 'arents, =obD1 ,4he kid ran away from home% 7e doesn+t want to call his 'arents%1 2cto'ussy+s -arden 'redated me% resto had come u' with the idea si3 months earlier% 6armen and Gora had been working there from the beginning, as ?llie and !elanie res'ecti)ely% =ut resto was always on the lookout for e)er/freakier 'erformers and knew I+d gi)e him an edge o)er his com'etitors on the &tri'% 4here was nothing like me around%

E00

4he tank itself was not that large% Hot much bigger than an abo)e/ground swimming 'ool in someone+s backyard% 9ifteen feet in length, maybe ten feet wide% Ae climbed down a ladder into the warm water% 9rom the booths, you looked directly into the tank; it was im'ossible to see abo)e the surface% &o we could kee' our heads out of the water, if we wanted, and talk to one another while we worked% "s long as we submerged oursel)es from the waist down the customers were content% ,4hey don+t come here to see your 'retty face,1 was how resto 'ut it to me% "ll this made it much easier% I don+t think I could ha)e 'erformed in a regular 'ee' show, face/to/face with the )oyeurs% 4heir ga(e would ha)e sucked my soul out of me% =ut in the tank when I was underwater my eyes were closed% I undulated in the dee'/sea silence% Ahen I 'ressed myself against a 'orthole+s glass, I lifted my face u' out of the water and so was unaware of the eyes studying my mollusk% 7ow did I say it beforeD 4he surface of the sea is a mirror, reflecting di)ergent e)olutionary 'aths% ;' abo)e, the creatures of air; down below, those of water% 2ne 'lanet, containing two worlds% 4he customers were the sea creatures; Gora, 6armen, and I remained essentially creatures of air% In her mermaid costume, Gora lay on the wet stri' of outdoor car'eting, waiting to go on after me% &ometimes she held a Boint to my li's so that I could smoke while I grabbed the rim of the 'ool% "fter my ten minutes were ela'sed I clambered u' onto the car'et and dried off% 2)er the sound system =ob resto was saying, ,*et+s hear it for 7erma'hroditus, ladies and gentlemen> 2nly here at 2cto'ussy+s -arden, where gender is always on a bender> I+m telling you, folks, we 'ut the glam rock in the rock lobsters, we 'ut the "6`D6 in the mahi mahi K1 =eached on her side, Gora with blue eyes and golden hair asked me, ,"m I (i''edD1 I checked% ,4his tank is making me all congested% I+m always congested%1 ,Jou want something from the barD1 ,-et me a Hegroni, 6al% 4hanks%1 ,*adies and -entlemen, it+s time for our ne3t attraction here at 2cto'ussy+s -arden% Jes, I see now that the boys from &teinhardt "@uarium are Bust bringing her in% ut those tokens in the bo3es, ladies and gentlemen, this is something you won+t want to miss% !ay I ha)e a drum roll, 'leaseD 2n second thought, make that a sushi roll. 1 Gora+s music started% 7er o)erture% ,*adies and gentlemen, since time immemorial mariners ha)e told stories of seeing incredible creatures, half woman, half fish, swimming in the seas% Ae here at &i3ty/Hiners did not gi)e credence to such stories% =ut a tuna fisherman of our ac@uaintance brought us an ama(ing catch the other day% "nd now we know those stories are true% *adies and gentlemen,1 crooned =ob resto, ,does K anyone K smell K fish D1 "t that cue, Gora in her rubber suit with the flashing green se@uin scales would tumble into the tank% 4he suit came u' to her waist and left her chest and shoulders bare% Into the a@uatic light Gora streamed, o'ening her eyes underwater as I did not, smiling at the men and women in the booths, her long blond hair flowing behind her like seaweed, tiny air bubbles beading her breasts like 'earls, as she kicked her glittering emerald fish tail% &he 'erformed no lewdness% Gora+s beauty was so great that e)eryone was content merely to look at her, the white skin, the beautiful breasts, the taut belly with its winking na)el, the magnificent cur)e of her swaying backside where flesh merged with scales% &he swam with her arms at her sides, )olu'tuously

E01

fluctuating% 7er face was serene, her eyes a light 6aribbean blue% Downstairs a constant disco beat throbbed, but u' here in 2cto'ussy+s -arden the music was ethereal, a kind of melodious bubbling itself% Oiewed from a certain angle, there was a kind of artistry to it% &i3ty/Hiners was a smut 'a)ilion, but u' in the -arden the atmos'here was e3otic rather than raunchy% It was the se3ual e@ui)alent of 4rader Oic+s% Oiewers got to see strange things, uncommon bodies, but much of the a''eal was the trans'ort in)ol)ed% *ooking through their 'ortholes, the customers were watching real bodies do the things bodies sometimes did in dreams% 4here were male customers, married heterose3ual men, who sometimes dreamed of making lo)e to women who 'ossessed 'enises, not male 'enises, but thin, ta'ering femini(ed stalks, like the stamens of flowers, clitorises that had elongated tremendously from abundant desire% 4here were gay customers who dreamed of boys who were almost female, smooth/skinned, hairless% 4here were lesbian customers who dreamed of women with 'enises, not male 'enises but womanly erections, 'ossessing a sensiti)ity and ali)eness no dildo e)er had% 4here is no way to tell what 'ercentage of the 'o'ulation dreams such dreams of se3ual transmogrification% =ut they came to our underwater garden e)ery night and filled the booths to watch us% "fter !elanie the !ermaid came ?llie and 7er ?lectrifying ?el% 4his eel was not at first a''arent% Ahat s'lashed down through the a@uamarine de'ths a''eared to be a slender 7awaiian girl, clad in a bikini of water lilies% "s she swam, her to' came off and she remained a girl% =ut when she stood on her head, in graceful water ballet, 'ulling her bikini bottom to her knees<ah, then it was the eel+s moment to shock% 9or there it was on the slender girl+s body, there it was where it should not ha)e been, a thin brown ill/tem'ered/looking eel, an endangered s'ecies, and as ?llie rubbed against the glass the eel grew longer and longer; it stared at the customers with its cyclo'ean eye; and they looked back at her breasts, her slim waist, they looked back and forth from ?llie to eel, from eel to ?llie, and were electrified by the wedding of o''osites% 6armen was a 're/o', male/to/female transse3ual% &he was from the =ron3% &mall, delicately boned, she was fastidious about eyeliner and li'stick% &he was always dieting% &he stayed away from beer, fearing a belly% I thought she o)erdid the femme routine% 4here was entirely too much hi' swaying and hair fli''ing in 6armen+s airs'ace% &he had a 'retty naiad+s face, a girl on the surface with a boy holding his breath Bust beneath% &ometimes the hormones she took made her skin break out% 7er doctor 8the much/in/demand Dr% !el of &an =runo: had to constantly adBust her dosage% 4he only features that ga)e 6armen away were her )oice, which remained husky des'ite the estrogen and 'rogestin, and her hands% =ut the men ne)er noticed that% "nd they wanted 6armen to be im'ure% 4hat was the whole turn/on, really% 7er story followed the traditional lines better than mine% 9rom an early age 6armen had felt that she had been born into the wrong body% In the dressing room one day, she told me in her &outh =ron3 )oice: ,I was like, yo> Aho 'ut this dick on meD I ne)er asked for no dick%1 It was still there, howe)er, for the time being% It was what the men came to see% Gora, gi)en to analytical thought, felt that 6armen+s admirers were moti)ated by latent homose3uality% =ut 6armen resisted this notion% ,!y boyfriends are all straight% 4hey want a woman %1 ,2b)iously not,1 said Gora% ,&oon as I sa)e my money I+m ha)ing my bottom done% 4hen we+ll see% I+ll be more of a woman than you, G%1 ,9ine with me,1 re'lied Gora% ,I don+t want to be anything in 'articular%1

E0C

Gora had "ndrogen Insensiti)ity% 7er body was immune to male hormones% 4hough ]J like me, she had de)elo'ed along female lines% =ut Gora had done it far better than I had% "side from being blond, she was sha'ely and full/li''ed% 7er 'rominent cheekbones di)ided her face in "rctic 'lanes% Ahen Gora s'oke you were aware of the skin stretching o)er these cheekbones and hollowing out between her Baws, the tight mask it made, banshee/like, with her blue eyes 'iercing through abo)e% "nd then there was her figure, the milkmaid breasts, the swim cham' stomach, the legs of a s'rinter or a !artha -raham dancer% ?)en unclothed, Gora a''eared to be all woman% 4here was no )isible sign that she 'ossessed neither womb nor o)aries% "ndrogen Insensiti)ity &yndrome created the 'erfect woman, Gora told me% " number of to' fashion models had it% ,7ow many chicks are si3 two, skinny, but with big boobsD Hot many% 4hat+s normal for someone like me%1 =eautiful or not, Gora didn+t want to be a woman% &he 'referred to identify herself as a herma'hrodite% &he was the first one I met% 4he first 'erson like me% ?)en back in 19#$ she was using the term ,interse3ual,1 which was rare then% &tonewall was only fi)e years in the 'ast% 4he -ay 0ights !o)ement was under way% It was 'a)ing a 'ath for all the identity struggles that followed, including ours% 4he Interse3 &ociety of Horth "merica wouldn+t be founded until 199E, howe)er% &o I think of Gora Qhyber as an early 'ioneer, a sort of John the =a'tist crying in the wilderness% Arit large, that wilderness was "merica, e)en the globe itself, but more s'ecifically it was the redwood bungalow Gora li)ed in in Hoe Oalley and where I was now li)ing, too% "fter =ob resto had satisfied himself on the details of my manufacture, he had called Gora and arranged for me to stay with her% Gora took in strays like me% It was 'art of her calling% 4he fog of &an 9rancisco 'ro)ided co)er for herma'hrodites, too% It+s no sur'rise that I&H" was founded in &an 9rancisco and not somewhere else% Gora was 'art of all this at a )ery disorgani(ed time% =efore mo)ements emerge there are centers of energy, and Gora was one of these% !ainly, her 'olitics consisted of studying and writing% "nd, during the months I li)ed with her, in educating me, in bringing me out of what she saw as my great midwestern darkness% ,Jou don+t ha)e to work for =ob if you don+t want,1 she told me% ,I+m going to @uit soon anyway% 4his is Bust tem'orary%1 ,I need the money% 4hey stole all my money%1 ,Ahat about your 'arentsD1 ,I don+t want to ask them,1 I said% I looked down and admitted, ,I can+t call them%1 ,Ahat ha''ened, 6alD If you don+t mind me asking% Ahat are you doing hereD1 ,4hey took me to this doctor in Hew Jork% 7e wanted me to ha)e an o'eration%1 ,&o you ran away%1 I nodded% ,6onsider yourself lucky% I didn+t know until I was twenty%1 "ll this ha''ened on my first day in Gora+s house% I hadn+t started working at the club yet% !y bruises had to heal first% I wasn+t sur'rised to be where I was% Ahen you tra)el like I did, )ague about destination and with an o'en/ended itinerary, a holy/seeming o'enness takes o)er your character% It+s the reason the first 'hiloso'hers were 'eri'atetic% 6hrist, too% I see myself that first day, sitting cross/legged on a batik floor 'illow, drinking green tea out of a fired raku cu', and looking u' at Gora with my big, ho'eful, curious, attenti)e eyes% Aith my hair short, my eyes looked e)en bigger now, more than e)er the eyes of someone in a =y(antine icon, one of those figures

E0E

ascending the ladder to hea)en, u'ward/ga(ing, while his fellows fall to the fiery demons below% "fter all my troubles, wasn+t it my right to e3'ect some reward in the form of knowledge or re)elationD In Gora+s rice/screen house, with misty light coming in at the windows, I was like a blank can)as waiting to be filled with what she told me% ,4here ha)e been herma'hrodites around fore)er, 6al% 9ore)er% lato said that the original human being was a herma'hrodite% Did you know thatD 4he original 'erson was two hal)es, one male, one female% 4hen these got se'arated% 4hat+s why e)erybody+s always searching for their other half% ?3ce't for us% Ae+)e got both hal)es already%1 I didn+t say anything about the 2bBect% ,2kay, in some cultures we+re considered freaks,1 she went on% =ut in others it+s Bust the o''osite% 4he Ha)aBo ha)e a category of 'erson they call a berdache% Ahat a berdache is, basically, is someone who ado'ts a gender other than their biological one% 0emember, 6al% &e3 is biological% -ender is cultural% 4he Ha)aBo understand this% If a 'erson wants to switch her gender, they let her% "nd they don+t denigrate that 'erson< they honor her% 4he berdaches are the shamans of the tribe% 4hey+re the healers, the great wea)ers, the artists%1 I wasn+t the only one> *istening to Gora, that was mainly what hit home with me% I knew right then that I had to stay in &an 9rancisco for a while% 9ate or luck had brought me here and I had to take from it what I needed% It didn+t matter what I might be com'elled to do to make money% I Bust wanted to stay with Gora, to learn from her, and to be less alone in the world% I was already ste''ing through the charmed door of those druggy, celebratory, youthful days% =y that first afternoon the soreness in my ribs was already lessening% ?)en the air seemed on fire, subtly aflame with energy as it does when you are young, when the syna'ses are firing wildly and death is far away% Gora was writing a book% &he claimed it was going to be 'ublished by a small 'ress in =erkeley% &he showed me the 'ublisher+s catalogue% 4he selections were eclectic, books on =uddhism, on the mystery cult of !ithras, e)en a strange book 8a hybrid itself: mi3ing genetics, cellular biology, and 7indu mysticism% Ahat Gora was working on would certainly ha)e fit this list% =ut I was ne)er clear how actual her 'ublishing 'lans were% In the years since, I+)e looked out for Gora+s book, which was called !he "acred Hermaphrodite. I+)e ne)er found it% If she ne)er finished it, it wasn+t a @uestion of ability% I read most of the book myself% "t my age then, I wasn+t much of a Budge of literary or academic @uality, but Gora+s learning was real% &he had gone into her subBect and had much of it by heart% 7er bookshel)es were full of anthro'ology te3ts and works by 9rench structuralists and deconstructionists% &he wrote nearly e)ery day% &he s'read her 'a'ers and books out on her desk and took notes and ty'ed% ,I+)e got one @uestion,1 I asked Gora one day% ,Ahy did you e)er tell anybodyD1 ,Ahat do you meanD1 ,*ook at you% Ho one would e)er know%1 ,I want 'eo'le to know, 6al%1 ,7ow comeD1 Gora folded her long legs under herself% Aith her fairy+s eyes, 'aisley/sha'ed, blue and glacial looking into mine, she said, ,=ecause we+re what+s ne3t%1 ,2nce u'on a time in ancient -reece, there was an enchanted 'ool% 4his 'ool was sacred to &almacis, the water nym'h% "nd one day 7erma'hroditus, a beautiful boy, went swimming there%1 7ere I lowered my feet into the 'ool% I lolled them back and forth as the narration

E0$

continued% ,&almacis looked u'on the handsome boy and her lust was kindled% &he swam nearer to get a closer look%1 How I began to lower my own body into the water inch by inch: shin, knees, thighs% If I 'aced it the way resto had instructed me, the 'ee'holes slid shut at this 'oint% &ome customers left, but many dro''ed more tokens into the slots% 4he screens lifted from the 'ortholes% ,4he water nym'h tried to control herself% =ut the boy+s beauty was too much for her% *ooking was not enough% &almacis swam nearer and nearer% "nd then, o)er'owered by desire, she caught the boy from behind, wra''ing her arms around him%1 I began to kick my legs, churning u' water so that it was hard for the customers to see% ,7erma'hroditus struggled to free himself from the tenacious gri' of the water nym'h, ladies and gentlemen% =ut &almacis was too strong% &o unbridled was her lust that the two became one% 4heir bodies fused, male into female, female into male% =ehold the god 7erma'hroditus>1 "t which 'oint I 'lunged into the 'ool entire, all of me e3'osed% "nd the 'ee'holes slid shut% Ho one e)er left a booth at this 'oint% ?)eryone e3tended his or her membershi' to the -arden% ;nderwater I could hear the tokens clinking into the change bo3es% It reminded me of being at home, submerging my head under bathwater and hearing the 'inging in the 'i'es% I tried to think of things like that% It made e)erything seem far away% I 'retended I was in the bathtub on !iddlese3% !eanwhile faces filled the 'ortholes, ga(ing with ama(ement, curiosity, disgust, desire% Ae were always stoned for work% 4hat was a 'rere@uisite% "s we got into our costumes Gora and I would fire u' a Boint to start the night% Gora brought a thermos of ")erna and ice, which I drank like Qool/"id% Ahat you aimed for was a state of half obli)ion, a 'ri)ate 'arty mood% 4his made the men less real, less noticeable% If it hadn+t been for Gora I don+t know what I would ha)e done% 2ur little bungalow in the mist and trees, neatly surrounded by low/lying 6alifornia ground co)er, the tiny koi 'ond full of 'etstore goldfish, the outdoor =uddhist shrine made of blue granite<it was a refuge for me, a halfway house where I stayed, getting ready to go back into the world% !y life during those months was as di)ided as my body% Hights we s'ent at &i3ty/Hiners, waiting around the tank, bored, high, giggling, unha''y% =ut you got used to that% Jou learned to medicate yourself against it and 'ut it out of your mind% In the daytime Gora and I were always straight% &he had one hundred and eighteen 'ages of her book written% 4hese were ty'ed on the thinnest onionskin 'a'er I had e)er seen% 4he manuscri't was therefore 'erishable% Jou had to be careful in handling it% Gora made me sit at the kitchen table while she brought it out like a librarian with a &hakes'eare folio% 2therwise, Gora didn+t treat me like a kid% &he let me kee' my own hours% &he asked me to hel' with the rent% Ae s'ent most days 'adding around the house in our kimonos% G% had a stern e3'ression when she was working% I sat out on the deck and read books from her shel)es, Qate 6ho'in, Jane =owles, and the 'oetry of -ary &nyder% 4hough we looked nothing alike, Gora was always em'hatic about our solidarity% Ae were u' against the same 'reBudices and misunderstandings% I was gladdened by this, but I ne)er felt sisterly around Gora% Hot com'letely% I was always aware of her figure under the robe% I went around a)erting my eyes and trying not to stare% 2n the street 'eo'le took me for a boy% Gora turned heads% !en whistled at her% &he didn+t like men, howe)er% 2nly lesbians% &he had a dark side% &he drank to e3tremes and sometimes acted ugly% &he raged against football, male bonding, babies, breeders, 'oliticians, and men in general% 4here

E0.

was a )iolence in Gora at such times that set me on edge% &he had been the high school beauty% &he had submitted to caresses that had done nothing for her and to sessions of 'ainful lo)emaking% *ike many beauties, Gora had attracted the worst guys% 4he )arsity stooges% 4he her'etic section leaders% It was no sur'rise that she held a low o'inion of men% !e she e3em'ted% &he thought I was okay% Hot a real man at all% Ahich I felt was 'retty much right% 7erma'hroditus+s 'arents were 7ermes and "'hrodite% 2)id doesn+t tell us how they felt after their child went missing% "s for my own 'arents, they still ke't the tele'hone nearby at all times, refusing to lea)e the house together% =ut now they were scared to answer the 'hone, fearing bad news% Ignorance seemed 'referable to grief% Ahene)er the 'hone rang, they 'aused before answering it% 4hey waited until the third or fourth 'eal% 4heir agony was harmonious% During the months I was missing, !ilton and 4essie e3'erienced the same s'ikes of 'anic, the same mad ho'es, the same slee'lessness% It had been years since their emotional life had been so in sync and this had the result of bringing back the times when they first fell in lo)e% 4hey began to make lo)e with a fre@uency they hadn+t known for years% If 6ha'ter ?le)en was out, they didn+t wait to go u'stairs but used whate)er room they ha''ened to be in% 4hey tried the red leather couch in the den; they s'read out on the bluebirds and red berries of the li)ing room sofa; and a few times they e)en lay down on the hea)y/duty kitchen car'eting, which had a 'attern of bricks% 4he only 'lace they didn+t use was the basement because there was no tele'hone there% 4heir lo)emaking was not 'assionate but slow and elegiac, carried out to the magisterial rhythms of suffering% 4hey were not young anymore; their bodies were no longer beautiful% 4essie sometimes we't afterward% !ilton ke't his eyes s@uee(ed shut% 4heir e3ertions resulted in no flowering of sensation, no release, or only seldom% 4hen one day, three months after I was gone, the signals coming o)er my mother+s s'iritual umbilical cord sto''ed% 4essie was lying in bed when the faint 'urring or tingling in her na)el ceased% &he sat u'% &he 'ut her hand to her belly% ,I can+t feel her anymore>1 4essie cried% ,AhatD1 ,4he cord+s cut> &omebody cut the cord>1 !ilton tried to reason with 4essie, but it was no use% 9rom that moment, my mother became con)inced that something terrible had ha''ened to me% "nd so: into the harmony of their suffering entered discord% Ahile !ilton fought to kee' u' a 'ositi)e attitude, 4essie increasingly ga)e in to des'air% 4hey began to @uarrel% ?)ery now and then !ilton+s o'timism would sway my mother and she would become cheerful for a day or two% &he would tell herself that, after all, they didn+t know anything definite% =ut such moods were tem'orary% Ahen she was alone 4essie tried to feel something coming in o)er the umbilical cord, but there was nothing, not e)en a sign of distress% I had been missing four months by this time% It was now January 19#.% !y fifteenth birthday had 'assed without my being found% 2n a &unday morning while 4essie was at church, 'raying for my return, the 'hone rang% !ilton answered% ,7elloD1 "t first there was no res'onse% !ilton could hear music in the background, a radio 'laying in another room maybe% 4hen a muffled )oice s'oke% ,I bet you miss your daughter, !ilton%1

E06

,Aho is thisD1 ," daughter is a s'ecial thing%1 ,Aho is thisD1 !ilton demanded again, and the line went dead% 7e didn+t tell 4essie about the call% 7e sus'ected it was a crank% 2r a disgruntled em'loyee% 4he economy was in recession in 19#. and !ilton had been forced to close a few franchises% 4he following &unday, howe)er, the 'hone rang again% 4his time !ilton answered on the first ring% ,7elloD1 ,-ood morning, !ilton% I ha)e a @uestion for you this morning% Aould you like to know the @uestion, !iltonD1 ,Jou tell me who this is or I+m hanging u'%1 ,I doubt you+ll do that, !ilton% I+m the only chance you ha)e to get your daughter back%1 !ilton did a characteristic thing right then% 7e swallowed, s@uared his shoulders, and with a small nod 're'ared himself to meet whate)er was coming% ,2kay,1 he said, ,I+m listening%1 "nd the caller hung u'% ,2nce u'on a time in ancient -reece, there was an enchanted 'ool K1 I could do it in my slee' now% I was aslee', considering our backstage festi)ities, the flowing ")erna, the tran@uili(ing smoke% 7alloween had come and gone% 4hanksgi)ing, too, and then 6hristmas% 2n Hew Jear+s, =ob resto threw a big 'arty% Gora and I drank cham'agne% Ahen it was time for my act, I 'lunged into the 'ool% I was high, drunk, and so that night did something I didn+t normally do% I o'ened my eyes underwater% I saw the faces looking back at me and I saw that they were not a''alled% I had fun in the tank that night% It was all beneficial in some way% It was therapeutic % Inside 7erma'hroditus old tensions were roiling, trying to work themsel)es out% 4raumas of the locker room were being released% &hame o)er ha)ing a body unlike other bodies was 'assing away% 4he monster feeling was fading% "nd along with shame and self/loathing another hurt was healing% 7erma'hroditus was beginning to forget about the 2bscure 2bBect% In my last weeks in &an 9rancisco I read e)erything Gora ga)e me, trying to educate myself% I learned what )arieties we herma'hrodites came in% I read about hy'eradrenocorticism and femini(ing testes and something called cry'torchidism, which a''lied to me% I read about Qleinfelter+s &yndrome, where an e3tra ] chromosome renders a 'erson tall, eunuchoid, and tem'eramentally un'leasant% I was more interested in historical than medical material% 9rom Gora+s manuscri't I became ac@uainted with the hiBras of India, the kwoluD aatmwols of the &ambia in a'ua Hew -uinea, and the gue,edoche of the Dominican 0e'ublic% Qarl 7einrich ;lrichs, writing in -ermany in 1560, s'oke of das dritte Geschlecht, the third gender% 7e called himself a ;ranist and belie)ed that he had a female soul in a male body% !any cultures on earth o'erated not with two genders but with three% "nd the third was always s'ecial, e3alted, endowed with mystical gifts% 2ne cold dri((ly night I ga)e it a try% Gora was out% It was a &unday and we were off work% I sat in a half/lotus 'osition on the floor and closed my eyes% 6oncentrating, 'rayerful, I waited for my soul to lea)e my body% I tried to fall into a trance state or become an animal% I did my best, but nothing ha''ened% "s far as s'ecial 'owers went, I didn+t seem to ha)e any% " 4iresias I wasn+t% "ll of which brings me to a 9riday night in late January% It was after midnight%

E0#

6armen was in the tank, doing her ?sther Ailliams% Gora and I were in the dressing room, maintaining traditions 8thermos, cannabis:% In the mermaid suit, G% was none too mobile and stretched out across the couch, a iscean odalis@ue% 7er tail hung o)er the arm bolsters, dri''ing% &he wore a 4/shirt o)er her to'% It had ?mily Dickinson on it% &ounds from the tank were 'i'ed into the dressing room% =ob resto was gi)ing his s'iel: ,*adies and gentlemen, are you ready for a truly electrifying e3'erienceD1 Gora and I mouthed along with the ne3t line: ,"re you ready for some high )oltageD1 ,I+)e had enough of this 'lace,1 said Gora% ,I really ha)e%1 ,&hould we @uitD1 ,Ae should%1 ,Ahat would we do insteadD1 ,!ortgage banking%1 4here was a s'lash in the tank% ,=ut where is ?llie+s eel todayD It seems to be hiding, ladies and gentlemen% 6ould it be e3tinctD !aybe a fisherman caught it% 4hat+s right, ladies and gentleman, maybe ?llie+s eel is for sale out on 9isherman+s Aharf%1 ,=ob thinks he+s a witty 'erson,1 said Gora% ,=anish such worries, ladies and gentlemen% ?llie wouldn+t let us down% 7ere it is, folks% 7a)e a look at ?llie+s electric eel>1 " strange noise came o)er the s'eaker% " door banging% =ob resto shouted: ,7ey, what the hellD Jou+re not allowed in here%1 "nd then the sound system went dead% ?ight years earlier, 'olicemen had raided a blind 'ig on 4welfth &treet in Detroit% How, at the start of 19#., they raided &i3ty/Hiners% 4he action 'ro)oked no riot% 4he 'atrons @uickly em'tied the booths, fanning out into the street and hurrying off% Ae were led downstairs and lined u' with the other girls% ,Aell, hello there,1 said the officer when he came to me% ,"nd how old might you beD1 9rom the 'olice station I was allowed one call% "nd so I finally broke down, ga)e in, and did it: I called home% !y brother answered% ,It+s me,1 I said% ,6al%1 =efore 6ha'ter ?le)en had time to res'ond, it all rushed out of me% I told him where I was and what had ha''ened% ,Don+t tell !om and Dad,1 I said% ,I can+t,1 said 6ha'ter ?le)en% ,I can+t tell Dad%1 "nd then in an interrogati)e tone that showed he could hardly belie)e it himself, my brother told me that there had been an accident and that !ilton was dead%

ir,#ide
In my official ca'acity as assistant cultural attachI, but on an unofficial errand, I attended the Aarhol o'ening at the Heue Hationalgallerie% Aithin the famous !ies )an der 0ohe building, I 'assed by the famous silk/screened faces of the famous 'o' artist% 4he Heue Hationalgallerie is a wonderful art museum e3ce't for one thing: there+s nowhere to hang the art% I didn+t care much% I stared out the glass walls at =erlin and felt stu'id% Did I think there would be artists at an art o'eningD 4here were only 'atrons, Bournalists, critics, and socialites% "fter acce'ting a glass of wine from a 'assing waiter, I sat down in one of the

E05

leather and chrome chairs that line the 'erimeter% 4he chairs are by !ies, too% Jou see knockoffs e)erywhere but these are original, worn/out by now, the black leather browning at the edges% I lit a cigar and smoked, trying to make myself feel better% 4he crowd chattered, circulating among the !aos and !arilyns% 4he high ceiling made the acoustics muddy% 4hin men with sha)ed heads darted by% -ray/haired women dra'ed in natural shawls showed their yellow teeth% 2ut the windows, the &taatsbibliotek was )isible across the way% 4he new otsdamer lat( looked like a mall in Oancou)er% In the distance construction lights illuminated the skeletons of cranes% 4raffic surged in the street below% I took a drag on my cigar, s@uinting, and caught sight of my reflection in the glass% I said before I look like a !usketeer% =ut I also tend to resemble 8es'ecially in mirrors late at night: a faun% 4he arched eyebrows, the wicked grin, the flames in the eyes% 4he cigar Butting u' from between my teeth didn+t hel'% " hand ta''ed me on the back% ,6igar faddist,1 said a woman+s )oice% In !ies+s black glass I recogni(ed Julie Qikuchi% ,7ey, this is ?uro'e,1 I countered, smiling% ,6igars aren+t a fad here%1 ,I was into cigars way back in college%1 ,2h yeah,1 I challenged her% ,&moke one, then%1 &he sat down in the chair ne3t to mine and held out her hand% I took another cigar from my Backet and handed it to her along with the cigar cutter and matches% Julie held the cigar under her nose and sniffed% &he rolled it between her fingers to test its moistness% 6li''ing off the end, she 'ut it in her mouth, struck a match, and got it going, 'uffing serially% ,!ies )an der 0ohe smoked cigars,1 I said, by way of 'romotion% ,7a)e you e)er seen a 'icture of !ies )an der 0oheD1 said Julie% , oint taken%1 Ae sat side by side, not s'eaking, only smoking, facing the interior of the museum% Julie+s right knee was Biggling% "fter a while I swi)eled around so I was facing her% &he turned her face toward me% ,Hice cigar,1 she allowed% I leaned toward her% Julie leaned toward me% 2ur faces got closer until finally our foreheads were almost touching% Ae stayed like that for ten or so seconds% 4hen I said, ,*et me tell you why I didn+t call you%1 I took a long breath and began: ,4here+s something you should know about me%1

***
!y story began in 19CC and there were concerns about the flow of oil% In 19#., when my story ends, dwindling oil su''lies again had 'eo'le worried% 4wo years earlier the 2rgani(ation of "rab 2il ?3'orting 6ountries had begun an embargo% 4here were brownouts in the ;%&% and long lines at the 'um's% 4he resident announced that the lights on the Ahite 7ouse 6hristmas tree would not be lit, and the gas/tank lock was born% &carcity was weighing on e)erybody+s mind in those days% 4he economy was in

E09

recession% "cross the nation families were eating dinner in the dark, the way we used to do on &eminole under one lightbulb% !y father, howe)er, took a dim )iew of conser)ation 'olicies% !ilton had come a long way from the days when he counted kilowatts% "nd so, on the night he set out to ransom me, he remained at the wheel of an enormous, gas/gu((ling 6adillac% !y father+s last 6adillac: a 19#. ?ldorado% ainted a midnight blue that looked nearly black, the car bore a strong resemblance to the =atmobile% !ilton had all the doors locked% It was Bust 'ast C"%!% 4he roads in this downri)er neighborhood were full of 'otholes, the curbs choked with weeds and litter% 4he 'owerful high beams 'icked u' s'rays of broken glass in the street, as well as nails, shards of metal, old hubca's, tin cans, a flattened 'air of men+s under'ants% =eneath an o)er'ass a car had been stri''ed, tires gone, windshield shattered, all the chrome detailing 'eeled away, and the engine missing% !ilton ste''ed on the gas, ignoring the scarcity not only of 'etroleum but of many other things as well% 4here was, for instance, a scarcity of ho'e on !iddlese3, where his wife no longer felt any stirrings in her s'iritual umbilicus% 4here was a scarcity of food in the refrigerator, of snacks in the cu'boards, and of freshly ironed shirts and clean socks in his dresser% 4here was a scarcity of social in)itations and 'hone calls, as my 'arents+ friends grew afraid to call a house that e3isted in a limbo between e3hilaration and grief% "gainst the 'ressure of all this scarcity, !ilton flooded the ?ldorado+s engine, and when that wasn+t enough, he o'ened the briefcase on the seat beside him and stared in dashboard light at the twenty/fi)e thousand dollars in cash bundled inside% !y mother had been awake when !ilton sli''ed out of bed less than an hour earlier% *ying on her back, she heard him dressing in the dark% &he hadn+t asked him why he was getting u' in the middle of the night% 2nce u'on a time, she would ha)e, but not anymore% &ince my disa''earance, daily routines had crumbled% !ilton and 4essie often found themsel)es in the kitchen at four in the morning, drinking coffee% 2nly when 4essie heard the front door close had she become concerned% He3t !ilton+s car started u' and began backing down the dri)e% !y mother listened until the engine faded away% &he thought to herself with sur'rising calmness, ,!aybe he+s lea)ing for good%1 4o her list of runaway father and runaway daughter she now added a further 'ossibility: runaway husband% !ilton hadn+t told 4essie where he was going for a number of reasons% 9irst, he was afraid she would sto' him% &he would tell him to call the 'olice, and he didn+t want to call the 'olice% 4he kidna''er had told him not to in)ol)e the law% =esides, !ilton had had enough of co's and their blasI attitude% 4he only way to get something done was to do it yourself% 2n to' of all that, this whole thing might be a wild/goose chase% If he told 4essie about it she would only worry% &he might call GoF and then he+d get an earful from his sister% In short, !ilton was doing what he always did when it came to im'ortant decisions% *ike the time he Boined the Ha)y, or the time he mo)ed us all to -rosse ointe, !ilton did whate)er he wanted, confident that he knew best% "fter the last mysterious 'hone call, !ilton had waited for another% 4he following &unday morning it came% ,7elloD1 ,-ood morning, !ilton%1 ,*isten, whoe)er you are% I want some answers%1 ,I didn+t call to hear what you want, !ilton% Ahat+s im'ortant is what I want%1 ,I want my daughter% Ahere is sheD1

E10

,&he+s here with me%1 4he music, or singing, was still 'erce'tible in the background% It reminded !ilton of something long ago% ,7ow do I know you ha)e herD1 ,Ahy don+t you ask me a @uestionD &he+s told me a lot about her family% Puite a lot%1 4he rage surging through !ilton at that moment was nearly unbearable% It was all he could do to kee' from smashing the 'hone against the desk% "t the same time, he was thinking, calculating% ,Ahat+s the name of the )illage her grand'arents came fromD1 ,Just a minute%1 4he 'hone was co)ered% 4hen the )oice said, ,=ithynios%1 !ilton+s knees went weak% 7e sat down at the desk% ,Do you belie)e me yet, !iltonD1 ,Ae went to these ca)erns in 4ennessee once% " real ri'/off tourist tra'% Ahat were they calledD1 "gain the 'hone was co)ered% In a moment the )oice re'lied, ,4he !ammothonics 6a)es%1 "t that !ilton shot u' out of his chair again% 7is face darkened and he tugged at his collar to hel' himself breathe% ,How I ha)e a @uestion, !ilton%1 ,AhatD1 ,7ow much is it worth to you to get your daughter backD1 ,7ow much do you wantD1 ,Is this business, nowD "re we negotiating a dealD1 ,I+m ready to make a deal%1 ,7ow e3citing%1 ,Ahat do you wantD1 ,4wenty/fi)e thousand dollars%1 ,"ll right%1 ,Ho, !ilton,1 the )oice corrected, ,you don+t understand% I want to bargain%1 ,AhatD1 ,7aggle, !ilton% 4his is business%1 !ilton was 'er'le3ed% 7e shook his head at the oddity of this re@uest% =ut in the end he fulfilled it% ,2kay% 4wenty/fi)e+s too much% I+ll 'ay thirteen thousand%1 ,Ae+re talking about your daughter, !ilton% Hot hot dogs%1 ,I ha)en+t got that kind of cash%1 ,I might take twenty/two thousand%1 ,I+ll gi)e you fifteen%1 ,4wenty is as low as I can go%1 ,&e)enteen is my final offer%1 ,7ow about nineteenD1 ,?ighteen%1 ,?ighteen fi)e%1 ,Deal%1 4he caller laughed% ,2h, that was fun, !ilt%1 4hen, in a gruff )oice: ,=ut I want twenty/fi)e%1 "nd he hung u'% =ack in 19EE, a disembodied )oice had s'oken to my grandmother through the

E11

heating grate% How, forty/two years later, a disguised )oice s'oke to my father o)er the 'hone% ,-ood morning, !ilton%1 4here was the music again, the faint singing% ,I+)e got the money,1 said !ilton% ,How I want my girl%1 ,4omorrow night,1 the kidna''er said% "nd then he told !ilton where to lea)e the money, and where to wait for me to be released% "cross the lowland downri)er 'lain -rand 4runk rose before !ilton+s 6adillac% 4he train station was still in use in 19#., though Bust barely% 4he once/o'ulent terminal was now only a shell% 9alse "mtrak faZades concealed the flaking, 'eeling walls% !ost corridors were blocked off% !eanwhile, all around the o'erati)e core, the great old building continued to fall into ruin, the -uasta)ino tiles in the alm 6ourt falling, s'lintering on the ground, the immense barbersho' now a Bunk room, the skylights ca)ed in, hea'ed with filth% 4he office tower attached to the terminal was now a thirteen/story 'igeon coo', all fi)e hundred of its windows smashed, as if with diligence% "t this same train station my grand'arents had arri)ed a half century earlier% *efty and Desdemona, one time only, had re)ealed their secret here to &ourmelina; and now their son, who ne)er learned it, was 'ulling in behind the station, also secretly% " scene like this, a ransom scene, calls for a noirish mood: shadows, sinister silhouettes% =ut the sky wasn+t coo'erating% Ae were ha)ing one of our 'ink nights% 4hey ha''ened e)ery so often, de'ending on tem'erature and the le)el of chemicals in the air% Ahen 'articulate matter in the atmos'here was sufficient, light from the ground got tra''ed and reflected back, and the entire Detroit sky would become the soft 'ink of cotton candy% It ne)er got dark on 'ink nights, but the light was nothing like daytime% 2ur 'ink nights glowed with the raw luminescence of the night shift, of factories running around the clock% &ometimes the sky would become as bright as e'to/=ismol, but more often it was a muted, a fabric/softener color% Hobody thought it was strange% Hobody said anything about it% Ae had all grown u' with 'ink nights% 4hey were not a natural 'henomenon, but they were natural to us% ;nder this strange nocturnal sky !ilton 'ulled his car as close to the train 'latform as 'ossible and sto''ed% 7e shut off the engine% 4aking the briefcase, he got out into the still, crystalline winter air of !ichigan% "ll the world was fro(en, the distant trees, the tele'hone lines, the grass in the yards of the downri)er houses, the ground itself% 2ut on the ri)er a freighter bellowed% 7ere there were no sounds, the station com'letely deserted at night% !ilton had on his tasseled black loafers% Dressing in the dark, he had decided they were the easiest to sli' on% 7e was also wearing his car coat, beige and dingy, with a muff of fur at the collar% "gainst the cold he had worn a hat, a gray felt =orsalino, with a red feather in the black band% "n old/timer+s hat now in 19#.% Aith hat, briefcase, and loafers, !ilton might ha)e been on his way to work% "nd certainly he was walking @uickly% 7e climbed the metal ste's to the train 'latform% 7e headed along it, looking for the trash can where he was su''osed to dro' the briefcase% 4he kidna''er said it would ha)e an F chalked on the lid% !ilton hurried along the 'latform, the tassels on his loafers bouncing, the tiny feather in his hat ri''ling in the cold wind% It would not be strictly truthful to say that he was afraid% !ilton &te'hanides did not admit to being afraid% 4he 'hysiological manifestations of fear, the racing heart, the torched arm'its, went on in him without official acknowledgment% 7e wasn+t alone among his generation in this% 4here were lots of fathers who shouted when they were afraid or scolded their children to deflect

E1C

blame from themsel)es% It+s 'ossible that such @ualities were indis'ensable in the generation that won the war% " lack of intros'ection was good for bolstering your courage, but in the last months and weeks it had done damage to !ilton% 4hroughout my disa''earance !ilton had ke't u' a bra)e front while doubts worked in)isibly inside him% 7e was like a statue being chiseled away from the inside, hollowed out% "s more and more of his thoughts ga)e him 'ain, !ilton had increasingly a)oided them% Instead he concentrated on the few that made him feel better, the bromides about e)erything working out% !ilton, @uite sim'ly, had ceased to think things through% Ahat was he doing out there on the dark train 'latformD Ahy did he go out there aloneD Ae would ne)er be able to e3'lain it ade@uately% It didn+t take him long to find the trash can marked with chalk% &wiftly !ilton lifted its triangular green lid and laid the briefcase inside% =ut when he tried to 'ull his arm back out, something wouldn+t let him: it was his hand% &ince !ilton had sto''ed thinking things through, his body was now doing the work for him% 7is hand seemed to be saying something% It was )oicing reser)ations% ,Ahat if the kidna''er doesn+t set 6allie freeD1 the hand was saying% =ut !ilton answered, ,4here+s no time to think about that now%1 "gain he tried to 'ull his arm out of the trash can, but his hand stubbornly resisted: ,Ahat if the kidna''er takes this money and then asks for moreD1 asked the hand% ,4hat+s the chance we+ll ha)e to take,1 !ilton sna''ed back, and with all his strength 'ulled his arm out of the trash can% 7is hand lost its gri'; the briefcase fell onto the refuse inside% !ilton hurried back across the 'latform 8dragging his hand with him: and got into the 6adillac% 7e started the engine% 7e turned on the heat, warming the car u' for me% 7e leaned forward staring through the windshield, e3'ecting me to a''ear any minute% 7is hand was still smarting, muttering to itself% !ilton thought about the briefcase lying out in the trash can% 7is mind filled with the image of the money inside% 4wenty/fi)e grand> 7e saw the indi)idual stacks of hundred/dollar bills; the re'eating face of =enBamin 9ranklin in the doubled mirrors of all that cash% !ilton+s throat went dry; a s'asm of an3iety known to all De'ression babies gri''ed his body; and in the ne3t second he was Bum'ing out of the car again, running back to the 'latform% 4his guy wanted to do businessD 4hen !ilton would show him how to do business> 7e wanted to negotiateD 7ow about this> 8!ilton was climbing the ste's now, loafers ringing against the metal%: Instead of lea)ing twenty/fi)e thousand bucks, why not lea)e twel)e thousand fi)e hundredD !his way )+ll ha,e some le,erage. Half now, half later. Ahy hadn+t he thought of this beforeD Ahat the hell was the matter with himD 7e was under too much strain K Ho sooner had he reached the 'latform, howe)er, than my father sto''ed cold% *ess than twenty yards away, a dark figure in a stocking ca' was reaching into the trash can% !ilton+s blood fro(e% 7e didn+t know whether to retreat or ad)ance% 4he kidna''er tried to 'ull the briefcase out, but it wouldn+t fit through the swinging door% 7e went behind the can and lifted u' the entire metal lid% In the chemical brightness !ilton saw the 'atriarchal beard, the 'ale, wa3en cheeks, and<most tellingly<the tiny fi)e/foot/four frame% 9ather !ike% 9ather Mike D 9ather !ike was the kidna''erD Im'ossible% Incredible> =ut there was no doubt% &tanding on the 'latform was the man who had once been engaged to my mother and who, at my father+s hands, had had her stolen away% 4aking the ransom was the former seminarian who had married !ilton+s sister, GoF, instead, a choice that had sentenced him to a life of in)idious com'arisons, of GoF always asking why he hadn+t in)ested in the stock market when !ilton had, or bought gold when !ilton had, or

E1E

stashed money away in the 6ayman Islands as !ilton had; a choice that had condemned 9ather !ike to being a 'oor relation, forced to endure !ilton+s lack of res'ect while acce'ting his hos'itality, and com'elling him to carry a dining room chair into the li)ing room if he wanted to sit% Jes, it was a great shock for !ilton to disco)er his brother/in/law on the train 'latform% =ut it also made sense% It was clear now why the kidna''er had wanted to haggle o)er the 'rice, why he wanted to feel like a businessman for once, and, alas, how he had known about =ithynios% ?3'lained, too, were why the tele'hone calls had come on &undays, whene)er 4essie was at church, and the music in the background, which !ilton now identified as the 'riests chanting the liturgy% *ong ago, my father had stolen 9ather+s !ike+s fiancIe and married her himself% 4he child of the union, me, had 'oured salt in the wound by ba'ti(ing the 'riest in re)erse% How 9ather !ike was trying to get e)en% =ut not if !ilton could hel' it% ,7ey>1 he shouted, 'utting his hands on his hi's% ,Just what the hell are you trying to 'ull, !ikeD1 9ather !ike didn+t answer% 7e looked u' and, out of 'riestly habit, smiled benignantly at !ilton, his white teeth a''earing in the great bush of black beard% =ut already he was backing away, ste''ing on crushed cu's and other litter, hugging the briefcase to his chest like a 'acked 'arachute% 4hree or four ste's backward, smiling that gentle smile, before he turned and fled in earnest% 7e was small but @uick% *ike a shot he disa''eared down a set of stairs on the other side of the 'latform% In 'ink light !ilton saw him crossing the train tracks to his car, a bright green 8,-recian green1 according to the catalogue:, fuel/efficient "!6 -remlin% "nd !ilton ran back to the 6adillac to follow him% It wasn+t like a car chase in the mo)ies% 4here was no swer)ing, no near collisions% It was, after all, a car chase between a -reek 2rthodo3 'riest and a middle/aged 0e'ublican% "s they s'ed 8relati)ely s'eaking: away from -rand 4runk, heading in the direction of the ri)er, 9ather !ike and !ilton ne)er e3ceeded the limit by more than ten miles 'er hour% 9ather !ike didn+t want to attract the 'olice% !ilton, reali(ing that his brother/in/law had nowhere to go, was content to follow him to the water% &o they went along in their 'okey fashion, the weirdly sha'ed -remlin making rolling sto's at traffic signs and the ?ldorado, a little bit later, doing the same% Down nameless streets, 'ast Bunk houses, across a dead/end 'iece of land created by the freeways and the ri)er, 9ather !ike unwisely attem'ted to esca'e% It was Bust like always; "unt Go should ha)e been there to holler at 9ather !ike, because only an idiot would ha)e headed toward the ri)er instead of the highway% ?)ery street he could 'ossibly take would go nowhere% ,I got you now,1 !ilton e3ulted% 4he -remlin made a right% 4he ?ldorado made a right% 4he -remlin made a left, and so did the 6adillac% !ilton+s tank was full% 7e could track 9ather !ike all night if he had to% 9eeling confident, !ilton adBusted the heat, which was a little too high% 7e turned on the radio% 7e let a little more s'ace get between the -remlin and the ?ldorado% Ahen he looked u' again, the -remlin was making another right% 4hirty seconds later, when !ilton turned the same corner, he saw the swee'ing e3'anse of the "mbassador =ridge% "nd his confidence crumbled% 4his was not Bust like always% 4onight, his brother/in/law the 'riest, who s'ent his life in the fairy tale world of the 6hurch, dressed u' like *iberace, had figured things out for once% "s soon as !ilton saw the bridge strung like a giant, glittering har' o)er the ri)er, 'anic sei(ed his soul% Aith horror !ilton understood 9ather !ike+s 'lan% "s 6ha'ter ?le)en had intended when he threatened to dodge the draft, 9ather !ike was heading for 6anada> *ike Jimmy Gi(mo the bootlegger, he was heading for the lawless, liberal hideaway to the north> 7e was

E1$

'lanning to take the money out of the country% "nd he was no longer going slow% Jes, des'ite its thimble/si(ed engine that sounded like a sewing machine, the -remlin was managing to accelerate% *ea)ing the no/man+s/land around -rand 4runk &tation, it had now entered the bright, 6ustoms/controlled, high/traffic area of the ;nited &tates<6anada border% 4all, carbon/gas streetlights irradiated the -remlin, whose bright green color now looked e)en more acid than e)er% utting distance between itself and the ?ldorado 8like the Joker+s car getting away from the =atmobile:, the -remlin Boined the trucks and cars con)erging around the entrance to the great sus'ension bridge% !ilton ste''ed on it% 4he huge engine of the 6adillac roared; white smoke s'umed from the tail'i'e% "t this 'oint the two cars had become e3actly what cars are su''osed to be; they were e3tensions of their owners% 4he -remlin was small and nimble, as 9ather !ike was; it disa''eared and rea''eared in traffic much as he did behind the icon screen at church% 4he ?ldorado, substantial and boat/like<as was !ilton<'ro)ed difficult to maneu)er in the late/night bridge traffic% 4here were huge semis% 4here were 'assenger cars heading for the casinos and stri' clubs in Aindsor% In all this traffic !ilton lost sight of the -remlin% 7e 'ulled into a line and waited% &uddenly, si3 cars ahead, he saw 9ather !ike dart out of line, cutting off another car and sli''ing into a toll booth% !ilton rolled down his automatic window% &ticking his head out into the cold, e3haust/clouded air, he shouted, ,&to' that man> 7e+s got my money>1 4he 6ustoms officer didn+t hear him, howe)er% !ilton could see the officer asking 9ather !ike a few @uestions and then<Ho> &to'><he was wa)ing 9ather !ike through% "t that 'oint !ilton started hammering on his horn% 4he blasts eru'ting from beneath the ?ldorado+s hood might ha)e been emanating from !ilton+s own chest% 7is blood 'ressure was surging, and inside his car coat his body began to dri' with sweat% 7e had been confident of bringing 9ather !ike to Bustice in the ;%&% courts% =ut who knew what would ha''en once he got to 6anadaD 6anada with its 'acifism and its sociali(ed medicine> 6anada with its millions of 9rench s'eakers> It was like K like K like a foreign country> 9ather !ike might become a fugiti)e o)er there, li)ing it u' in Puebec% 7e might disa''ear into &askatchewan and roam with the moose% It wasn+t only losing the money that enraged !ilton% In addition to absconding with twenty/fi)e thousand dollars and gi)ing !ilton false ho'es of my return, 9ather !ike was abandoning his own family% =rotherly 'rotecti)eness mi3ed with financial and 'aternal 'ain in !ilton+s hea)ing breast% ,Jou don+t do this to my sister, you hear meD1 !ilton fruitlessly shouted from the dri)er+s seat of his huge, bo3ed/in car% He3t he called after 9ather !ike, ,7ey, dumbass% 7a)en+t you e)er heard of commissionsD &oon as you change that money you+re going to lose fi)e 'ercent>1 9ulminating at the wheel, his 'rogress curtailed by semis in front and stri'/clubbers behind, !ilton s@uirmed and hollered, his fury unbearable% !y father+s honking hadn+t gone unnoticed, howe)er% 6ustoms agents were used to the horn/blowing of im'atient dri)ers% 4hey had a way of handling them% "s soon as !ilton 'ulled u' to the booth, the official signaled him to 'ull o)er% 4hrough his o'en window !ilton shouted, ,4here+s a guy who Bust came through% 7e stole some money of mine% 6an you ha)e him sto''ed at the other endD 7e+s dri)ing a -remlin%1 , ull your car o)er there, sir%1 ,7e stole twenty/fi)e thousand dollars>1 ,Ae can talk about that as soon as you 'ull o)er and get out of your car, sir%1 ,7e+s trying to take it out of the country>1 !ilton e3'lained one last time% =ut the

E1.

6ustoms agent continued to direct him to the ins'ection area% 9inally !ilton ga)e u'% Aithdrawing his face from the o'en window, he took hold of the steering wheel and obediently began 'ulling o)er to the em'ty lane% "s soon as he was clear of the 6ustoms booth, howe)er, he stom'ed a tasseled loafer down on the accelerator and the s@uealing 6adillac rocketed away% How it was something like a car chase% 9or out on the bridge, 9ather !ike, too, had ste''ed on the gas% &naking between the cars and trucks, he was racing toward the international di)ide, while !ilton 'ursued, flashing his brights to get 'eo'le out of the way% 4he bridge rose u' o)er the ri)er in a graceful 'arabola, its steel cables strung with red lights% 4he 6adillac+s tires hummed o)er its striated surface% !ilton had his foot to the floor, engaging what he called the goose gear% "nd now the difference between a lu3ury automobile and a newfangled cartoon car began to show itself% 4he 6adillac engine roared with 'ower% Its eight cylinders fired, the carburetor sucking in )ast @uantities of fuel% 4he 'istons thum'ed and Bum'ed and the dri)e wheel s'un like mad, as the long, su'erhero car 'assed others as if they were standing still% &eeing the ?ldorado coming so fast, other dri)ers mo)ed aside% !ilton cut straight through the traffic until he s'otted the green -remlin u' ahead% ,&o much for your high gas mileage,1 !ilton cried% ,&ometimes you need a little 'ower>1 =y this time 9ather !ike saw the ?ldorado looming, too% 7e floored the accelerator, but the -remlin+s engine was already working at ca'acity% 4he car )ibrated wildly but 'icked u' no s'eed% 2n and on came the 6adillac% !ilton didn+t take his foot off the 'edal until his front bum'er was nearly touching the -remlin+s rear% 4hey were tra)eling now at se)enty miles 'er hour% 9ather !ike looked u' to see !ilton+s a)enging eyes filling the rear)iew mirror% !ilton, ga(ing ahead into the -remlin+s interior, saw a slice of 9ather !ike+s face% 4he 'riest seemed to be asking for forgi)eness, or e3'laining his actions% 4here was a strange sadness in his eyes, a weakness, which !ilton could not inter'ret% K"nd now I ha)e to enter 9ather !ike+s head, I+m afraid% I feel myself being sucked in and I can+t resist% 4he front 'art of his mind is a whirl of fear, greed, and des'erate thoughts of esca'e% "ll to be e3'ected% =ut going dee'er in, I disco)er things about him I ne)er knew% 4here+s no serenity, for instance, none at all, no closeness to -od% 4he gentleness 9ather !ike had, his smiling silence at family meals, the way he would bend down to be face/to/face with children 8not far for him, but still:<all these attributes e3isted a'art from any communication with a transcendent realm% 4hey were Bust a 'assi)e/aggressi)e method of sur)i)al, the result of ha)ing a wife with a )oice as loud as "unt Go+s% Jes, echoing inside 9ather !ike+s head is all the shouting "unt Go has done o)er the years, e)er since she was 'regnant nonsto' in -reece without a washer or dryer% I can hear: ,Do you call this a lifeD1 "nd: ,If you+)e got the ear of -od, tell 7im to send me a check for the dra'es%1 "nd: ,!aybe the 6atholics ha)e the right idea% riests shouldn+t ha)e families%1 "t church !ichael "ntoniou is called 9ather% 7e is deferred to, catered to% "t church he has the 'ower to forgi)e sins and consecrate the host% =ut as soon as he ste's through the front door of their du'le3 in 7ar'er Aoods, 9ather !ike suffers an immediate dro' in status% "t home he is nobody% "t home he is bossed around, com'lained about, ignored% "nd so it was not so difficult to see why 9ather !ike decided to flee his marriage, and why he needed moneyK Knone of which, howe)er, could !ilton read in his brother/in/law+s eyes% "nd in the ne3t moment those eyes changed again% 9ather !ike had shifted his ga(e back to the road, where they met a terrifying sight% 4he red brake lights of the car in front of

E16

him were flashing% 9ather !ike was going much too fast to sto' in time% 7e stom'ed on his brakes, but it was too late: the -recian green -remlin slammed into the car ahead% 4he ?ldorado came ne3t% !ilton braced himself for the im'act% =ut it was then an ama(ing thing ha''ened% 7e heard metal crunching and glass shattering, but this was coming from the cars ahead% "s for the 6adillac itself, it ne)er sto''ed mo)ing forward% It climbed right u' 9ather !ike+s car% 4he weird, slanted back end of the -remlin acted as a kind of ram', and in the ne3t second !ilton reali(ed he was airborne% 4he midnight blue ?ldorado rose abo)e the accident on the bridge% It sailed u' o)er the guardrails, through the cables, 'lunging off the middle s'an of the "mbassador =ridge% 4he ?ldorado fell hood first, gathering s'eed% 4hrough the tinted windshield !ilton could see the Detroit 0i)er below; but only briefly% In those last seconds, as life 're'ared to lea)e his body, it withdrew its laws, too% Instead of falling into the ri)er, the 6adillac swoo'ed u'ward and le)eled itself% !ilton was sur'rised but )ery 'leased% 7e didn+t remember the salesman+s ha)ing mentioned anything about a flight feature% ?)en better, !ilton hadn+t 'aid e3tra for it% "s the car floated away from the bridge he was smiling% ,How, this is what I call an "ir/0ide,1 he said to himself% 4he ?ldorado was flying high abo)e the ri)er, wasting who knew how much gas% 4he sky outside was 'ink while the lights on the dashboard were green% 4here were all sorts of switches and gauges% !ilton had ne)er noticed most of them before% It looked more like an air'lane cock'it than a car, and !ilton was at the controls, !ilton was flying his last 6adillac o)er the Detroit 0i)er% It didn+t matter what eyewitnesses saw, or that the news'a'ers re'orted the ne3t day that the 6adillac was 'art of the ten/car 'ileu' on the bridge% &itting back in the comfortable leather bucket seat, !ilton &te'hanides could see the downtown skyline a''roaching% !usic was 'laying on the radio, an old "rtie &haw tune, why not, and !ilton watched the red light on the enobscot =uilding blinking on and off% "fter a certain amount of trial and error, he learned how to steer the flying car% It wasn+t a matter of turning the wheel but of willing it, as in a lucid dream% !ilton brought the car in o)er land% 7e 'assed abo)e 6obo 7all% 7e circled the 4o' of the ontch, where he had once taken me to lunch% 9or some reason !ilton was no longer afraid of heights% 7e guessed that this was because his death was imminent; there was nothing left to fear% Aithout )ertigo or 'ers'iration, he ga(ed down at -rand 6ircus ark until he s'otted what was left of the wheels of Detroit; and after that he headed for the Aest &ide to look for the old Gebra 0oom% =ack on the bridge, my father+s head had been crushed against the steering wheel% 4he detecti)e who later informed my mother of the accident, when asked about the condition of !ilton+s body, said only, ,It was consistent with a crash of a )ehicle going at se)enty/'lus miles an hour%1 !ilton no longer had any brain wa)es, so it was understandable why, ho)ering in the 6adillac, he might ha)e forgotten that the Gebra 0oom had burned down long ago% 7e was mystified at not being able to find it% "ll that was left of the old neighborhood was em'ty land% It seemed that most of the city was gone, as he ga(ed down% ?m'ty lot followed em'ty lot% =ut !ilton was wrong about this, too% 6orn was s'routing u' in some 'laces, and grass was coming back% It looked like farmland down there% ,!ight as well gi)e it back to the Indians,1 !ilton thought% ,!aybe the otowatomies would want it% 4hey could 'ut u' a casino%1 4he sky had turned to cotton candy and the city had become a 'lain again% =ut another red light was blinking now% Hot on the enobscot =uilding; inside the car% It was one of the gauges !ilton had ne)er seen before% 7e knew what it indicated%

E1#

"t that moment, !ilton began to cry% "ll of a sudden his face was wet and he touched it, sniffling and wee'ing% 7e slum'ed back, and because no one was there to see, he o'ened his mouth to gi)e outlet to his o)er'owering grief% 7e hadn+t cried since he was a boy% 4he sound of his dee' )oice crying sur'rised him% It was the sound of a bear, wounded or dying% !ilton bellowed in the 6adillac as the car began, once again, to descend% 7e was crying not because he was about to die but because I, 6allio'e, was still gone, because he had failed to sa)e me, because he had done e)erything he could to get me back and still I was missing% "s the car ti''ed its nose down, the ri)er a''eared again% !ilton &te'hanides, an old na)y man, 're'ared to meet it% 0ight at the end he was no longer thinking about me% I ha)e to be honest and record !ilton+s thoughts as they occurred to him% "t the )ery end he wasn+t thinking about me or 4essie or any of us% 4here was no time% "s the car 'lunged, !ilton only had time to be astonished by the way things had turned out% "ll his life he had lectured e)erybody about the right way to do things and now he had done this, the stu'idest thing e)er% 7e could hardly belie)e he had loused things u' @uite so badly% 7is last word, therefore, was s'oken softly, without anger or fear, only with bewilderment and a measure of bra)ery% ,=irdbrain,1 !ilton said, to himself, in his last 6adillac% "nd then the water claimed him% " real -reek might end on this tragic note% =ut an "merican is inclined to stay u'beat% 4hese days, whene)er we talk about !ilton, my mother and I come to the conclusion that he got out Bust in time% 7e got out before 6ha'ter ?le)en, taking o)er the family business, ran it into the ground in less than fi)e years% =efore 6ha'ter ?le)en, in a re'rise of Desdemona+s gender 'rognostications, began wearing a tiny sil)er s'oon around his neck% 7e got out before the draining of bank accounts and the Backing u' of credit cards% =efore 4essie was forced to sell !iddlese3 and mo)e down to 9lorida with "unt Go% "nd he got out three months before 6adillac, in "'ril 19#., introduced the &e)ille, a fuel/efficient model that looked as though it had lost its 'ants, after which 6adillacs were ne)er the same% !ilton got out before many of the things that I will not include in this story, because they are the common tragedies of "merican life, and as such do not fit into this singular and uncommon record% 7e got out before the 6old Aar ended, before missile shields and global warming and &e'tember 11 and a second resident with only one )owel in his name% !ost im'ortant, !ilton got out without e)er seeing me again% 4hat would not ha)e been easy% I like to think that my father+s lo)e for me was strong enough that he could ha)e acce'ted me% =ut in some ways it+s better that we ne)er had to work that out, he and I% Aith res'ect to my father I will always remain a girl% 4here+s a kind of 'urity in that, the 'urity of childhood%

The &ast Stop

It sort of still a''lies,1 said Julie Qikuchi% ,It does not,1 I said% ,It+s in the same ball'ark%1 ,Ahat I told you about myself has nothing whatsoe)er to do with being gay or closeted% I+)e always liked girls% I liked girls when I was a girl%1 ,I wouldn+t be some kind of last sto' for youD1 ,!ore like a first sto'%1

E15

Julie laughed% &he still had not made a decision% I waited% 4hen at last she said, ,"ll right%1 ,"ll rightD1 I asked% &he nodded% ,"ll right ,1 I said% &o we left the museum and went back to my a'artment% Ae had another drink; we slow/danced in the li)ing room% "nd then I led Julie into the bedroom, where I hadn+t led anyone in @uite a long time% &he switched off the lights% ,Aait a minute,1 I said% ,"re you turning off the lights because of you or because of meD1 ,=ecause of me%1 ,AhyD1 ,=ecause I+m a shy, modest 2riental lady% Just don+t e3'ect me to bathe you%1 ,Ho bathingD1 ,Hot unless you do a Gorba dance%1 ,Ahere did I 'ut that bou(ouki of mine, anywayD1 I was trying to kee' u' the banter% I was also taking off my clothes% &o was Julie% It was like Bum'ing into cold water% Jou had to do it without thinking too much% Ae got under the co)ers and held each other, 'etrified, ha''y% ,I might be your last sto', too,1 I said, clinging to her% ,Did you e)er think of thatD1 "nd Julie Qikuchi answered, ,It crossed my mind%1

***
6ha'ter ?le)en flew to &an 9rancisco to collect me from Bail% !y mother had to sign a letter re@uesting that the 'olice release me into my brother+s custody% " trial date would be set in the near future but, as a Bu)enile and first/time offender, I was likely to recei)e only 'robation% 84he offense came off my record, ne)er interfering with my subse@uent Bob 'ros'ects at the &tate De'artment% Hot that I concerned myself with these details at the time% I was too stunned, sick with grief 'oisons, and wanted to go home%: Ahen I came out into the outer 'olice station, my brother was sitting alone on a long wooden bench% 7e looked u' at me with no e3'ression, blinking% 4hat was 6ha'ter ?le)en+s way% ?)erything went on in him internally% Inside his braincase sensations were being re)iewed, e)aluated, before any official reaction was gi)en% I was used to this, of course% Ahat is more natural than the tics and habits of one+s close relati)esD Jears ago, 6ha'ter ?le)en had made me 'ull down my under'ants so that he could look at me% How his eyes were raised but no less ri)eted% 7e was taking in my deforested head% 7e was getting a load of the funereal suit% It was a lucky thing that my brother had taken as much *&D as he had% 6ha'ter ?le)en had gone in early for mind e3'ansion% 7e contem'lated the )eil of !aya, the e3istence of )arious 'lanes of being% 9or a 'ersonality thus 're'ared, it was somewhat easier to deal with your sister

E19

becoming your brother% 4here ha)e been herma'hrodites like me since the world began% =ut as I came out from my holding 'en it was 'ossible that no generation other than my brother+s was as well dis'osed to acce't me% &till, it was not nothing to witness me so changed% 6ha'ter ?le)en+s eyes widened% Ae hadn+t seen each other for o)er a year% 6ha'ter ?le)en had changed, too% 7is hair was shorter% It had receded farther% 7is friend+s girlfriend had gi)en him a home 'erm% 6ha'ter ?le)en+s 're)iously lank hair was now leonine in back, while the front retreated% 7e didn+t look like John *ennon anymore% -one were his faded bell/bottoms, his granny glasses% How he wore brown hi'/huggers% 7is wide/la'el shirt shimmered under the fluorescent lights% 4he si3ties ha)e ne)er really come to an end% 4hey+re still going on right now in -oa% =ut by 19#. the si3ties had finally ended for my brother% "t any other time, we would ha)e lingered o)er these details% =ut we didn+t ha)e the lu3ury for that% I came across the room% 6ha'ter ?le)en stood u' and then we were hugging, swaying% ,Dad+s dead,1 my brother re'eated in my ear% ,7e+s dead%1 I asked him what had ha''ened and he told me% !ilton had charged through customs% 9ather !ike had also been on the bridge% 7e was now in the hos'ital% !ilton+s old briefcase had been found in the wreckage of the -remlin, full of money% 9ather !ike had confessed e)erything to the 'olice, the kidna''ing ruse, the ransom% Ahen this had sunk in, I asked, ,7ow+s !omD1 ,&he+s all right% &he+s holding u'% &he+s 'issed at !ilt%1 , issedD1 ,9or going out there% 9or not telling her% &he+s glad you+re coming home% 4hat+s what she+s focusing on% Jou coming back for the funeral% &o that+s good%1 Ae were scheduled to take the red/eye out that night% 4he funeral was the ne3t morning% 6ha'ter ?le)en had been dealing with the bureaucratic side of things, getting the death certificates and 'lacing the obituaries% 7e asked me nothing about my time in &an 9rancisco or at &i3ty/Hiners% 2nly when we were on the 'lane and 6ha'ter ?le)en had had a few beers did he allude to my condition% ,&o, I guess I can+t call you 6allie anymore%1 ,6all me whate)er you want%1 ,7ow about Lbro+D1 ,9ine with me%1 7e was @uiet, blinking% 4here was the usual lag time while he thought% ,I ne)er heard much about what ha''ened out there at that clinic% I was u' in !ar@uette% I wasn+t talking to !om and Dad that much%1 ,I ran away%1 ,AhyD ,4hey were going to cut me u'%1 I could feel him staring at me, with that outer gla(e that concealed considerable mental acti)ity% ,It+s a little bit weird for me,1 he said% ,It+s weird for me, too%1 " moment later he let out a laugh% ,7ah> Aeird> retty fucking weird%1 I was shaking my head in comic des'air% ,Jou can say that again% =ro%1 6onfronted with the im'ossible, there was no o'tion but to treat it as normal% Ae didn+t ha)e an u''er register, so to s'eak, but only the middle range of our shared e3'erience and ways of beha)ing, of Boking around% =ut it got us through% ,2ne good thing about this gene I ha)e, though,1 I said% ,AhatD1

EC0

,I+ll ne)er go bald%1 ,Ahy notD1 ,Jou ha)e to ha)e D74 to go bald%1 ,7uh,1 said 6ha'ter ?le)en, feeling his scal'% ,I guess I+m a little hea)y on the D74% I guess I+m what they+d call D74/rich%1 Ae reached Detroit a little after si3 in the morning% 4he smashed/u' ?ldorado had been towed to a 'olice yard% Aaiting in the air'ort 'arking lot was our mother+s car, the ,9lorida &'ecial%1 4he lemon/colored 6adillac was all we had left of !ilton% It was already beginning to take on the attributes of a relic% 4he dri)er+s seat was sunken from the weight of his body% Jou could see the im'ression of !ilton+s clo)en backside in the leather u'holstery% 4essie filled this hollow with throw 'illows in order to see o)er the steering wheel% 6ha'ter ?le)en had tossed the 'illows into the backseat% In the unseasonal car, with its 'owerful air/conditioning switched off and sunroof closed, we started for home% Ae 'assed the giant ;niroyal tire and the thready woods of Inkster% ,Ahat time+s the funeralD1 I asked% ,?le)en%1 It was Bust getting light% 4he sun was rising from where)er it rose, behind the distant factories maybe, or o)er the blind ri)er% 4he growing light was like a leakage or flood, see'ing into the ground% ,-o through downtown,1 I told my brother% ,It+ll take too long%1 ,Ae+)e got time% I want to see it%1 6ha'ter ?le)en obliged me% Ae took I/9$ 'ast 0i)er 0ouge and 2lym'ia &tadium and then curled in toward the ri)er on the *odge 9reeway and entered the city from the north% -row u' in Detroit and you understand the way of all things% ?arly on, you are 'ut on close relations with entro'y% "s we rose out of the highway trough, we could see the condemned houses, many burned, as well as the stark beauty of all the )acant lots, gray and fro(en% 2nce/elegant a'artment buildings stood ne3t to scra'yards, and where there had been furriers and mo)ie 'alaces there were now blood banks and methadone clinics and !other Aaddles er'etual !ission% 0eturning to Detroit from bright climes usually de'ressed me% =ut now I welcomed it% 4he blight eased the 'ain of my father+s death, making it seem like a general state of affairs% "t least the city didn+t mock my grief by being s'arkling or winsome% Downtown looked the same, only em'tier% Jou couldn+t knock down the skyscra'ers when the tenants left; so instead boards went o)er the windows and doors, and the great shells of commerce were 'ut in cold storage% 2n the ri)erfront the 0enaissance 6enter was being built, inaugurating a renaissance that has ne)er arri)ed% ,*et+s go through -reektown,1 I said% "gain my brother humored me% &oon we came down the block of restaurants and sou)enir stores% "mid the ethnic kitsch, there were still a few authentic coffee houses, 'atroni(ed by old men in their se)enties and eighties% &ome were already u' this morning, drinking coffee, 'laying backgammon, and reading the -reek news'a'ers% Ahen these old men died, the coffee houses would suffer and finally close% *ittle by little, the restaurants on the block would suffer, too, their awnings getting ri''ed, the big yellow lightbulbs on the *aikon mar@uee burning out, the -reek bakery on the corner being taken o)er by &outh Jemenis from Dearborn% =ut all that hadn+t ha''ened yet% 2n !onroe &treet, we 'assed the -recian -ardens,

EC1

where we had held *efty+s makaria % ,"re we ha)ing a makaria for DadD1 I asked% ,Jeah% 4he whole deal%1 ,AhereD "t the -recian -ardensD1 6ha'ter ?le)en laughed% ,Jou kiddingD Hobody wanted to come down here%1 ,I like it here,1 I said% ,I lo)e Detroit%1 ,JeahD Aell, welcome home%1 7e had turned back onto Jefferson for the long miles through the blighted ?ast &ide% " wig sho'% Oanity Dancing, the old club, now for rent% " used/record store with a hand/'ainted sign showing 'eo'le groo)ing amid an e3'losion of musical notes% 4he old dime stores and sweet sho's were closed, Qresge+s, Aoolworth+s, &anders Ice 6ream% It was cold out% Hot many 'eo'le were on the streets% 2n one corner a man stood im'er)ious, cutting a fine figure against the winter sky% 7is leather coat reached to his ankles% &'ace funk goggles wra''ed around his dignified, long/Bawed head, on to' of which sat, or sailed really, the &'anish galleon of a )el)et maroon hat% Hot 'art of my suburban world, this figure; therefore e3otic% =ut ne)ertheless familiar, and suggesti)e of the 'eculiar creati)e energies of my hometown% I was glad to see him anyway% I couldn+t take my eyes away% Ahen I was little, street/corner dudes like that would sometimes lower their shades to wink, keen on getting a rise out of the white girl in the backseat 'assing by% =ut now the dude ga)e me a different look altogether% 7e didn+t lower his sunglasses, but his mouth, his flared nostrils, and the tilt of his head communicated defiance and e)en hate% 4hat was when I reali(ed a shocking thing% I couldn+t become a man without becoming 4he !an% ?)en if I didn+t want to% I made 6ha'ter ?le)en go through Indian Oillage, 'assing our old house% I wanted to take a nostalgia bath to calm my ner)es before seeing my mother% 4he streets were still full of trees, bare in winter, so that we could see all the way to the fro(en ri)er% I was thinking how ama(ing it was that the world contained so many li)es% 2ut in these streets 'eo'le were embroiled in a thousand matters, money 'roblems, lo)e 'roblems, school 'roblems% eo'le were falling in lo)e, getting married, going to drug rehab, learning how to ice/skate, getting bifocals, studying for e3ams, trying on clothes, getting their hair cut, and getting born% "nd in some houses 'eo'le were getting old and sick and were dying, lea)ing others to grie)e% It was ha''ening all the time, unnoticed, and it was the thing that really mattered% Ahat really mattered in life, what ga)e it weight, was death% &een this way, my bodily metamor'hosis was a small e)ent% 2nly the 'im' might ha)e been interested% &oon we reached -rosse ointe% 4he naked elms reached across our street from both sides, touching fingerti's, and snow lay crusted in the flower beds before the warm, hibernatory houses% !y body was reacting to the sight of home% 7a''y s'arks were shooting off inside me% It was a canine feeling, full of eager lo)e, and dumb to tragedy% 7ere was my home, !iddlese3% ;' there in that window, on the tiled window seat, I used to read for hours, eating mulberries off the tree outside% 4he dri)eway hadn+t been sho)eled% Hobody had had time to think about that% 6ha'ter ?le)en took the dri)eway a little fast and we bounced in our seats, the tail'i'e hitting% "fter we got out of the car, he o'ened the trunk and began carrying my suitcase to the house% =ut halfway there he sto''ed% ,7ey, bro,1 he said% ,Jou can carry this yourself%1 7e was smiling with mischief% Jou could see he was enBoying the 'aradigm shift% 7e was taking my metamor'hosis as a brain teaser, like the ones in the back of his

ECC

sci/fi maga(ines% ,*et+s not get carried away,1 I answered% ,9eel free to carry my luggage anytime%1 ,6atch>1 shouted 6ha'ter ?le)en, and hefted the suitcase% I caught it, staggering back% 0ight then the door of the house o'ened and my mother, in house sli''ers, ste''ed out into the frost/'owdery air% 4essie &te'hanides, who in a different lifetime when s'ace tra)el was new had decided to go along with her husband and create a girl by de)ious means, now saw before her, in the snowy dri)eway, the fruit of that scheme% Hot a daughter at all anymore but, at least by looks, a son% &he was tired and heartsick and had no energy to deal with this new e)ent% It was not acce'table that I was now li)ing as a male 'erson% 4essie didn+t think it should be u' to me% &he had gi)en birth to me and nursed me and brought me u'% &he had known me before I knew myself and now she had no say in the matter% *ife started out one thing and then suddenly turned a corner and became something else% 4essie didn+t know how this had ha''ened% 4hough she could still see 6allio'e in my face, each feature seemed changed, thickened, and there were whiskers on my chin and abo)e my u''er li'% 4here was a criminal as'ect to my a''earance, in 4essie+s eyes% &he couldn+t hel' herself thinking that my arri)al was 'art of some settling of accounts, that !ilton had been 'unished and that her 'unishment was Bust beginning% 9or all these reasons she stood still, red/eyed, in the doorway% ,7i, !om,1 I said% ,I+m home%1 I went forward to meet her% I set down my suitcase, and when I looked u' again, 4essie+s face had altered% &he had been 're'aring for this moment for months% How her faint eyebrows lifted, the corners of her mouth rose, crinkling the wan cheeks% 7er e3'ression was that of a mother watching a doctor remo)e bandages from a se)erely burned child% "n o'timistic, dishonest, bedside face% &till, it told me all I needed to know% 4essie was going to try to acce't things% &he felt crushed by what had ha''ened to me but she was going to endure it for my sake% Ae embraced% 4all as I was, I laid my head on my mother+s shoulder, and she stroked my hair while I sobbed% ,AhyD1 she ke't crying softly, shaking her head% ,AhyD1 I thought she was talking about !ilton% =ut then she clarified: ,Ahy did you run away, honeyD1 ,I had to%1 ,Don+t you think it would ha)e been easier Bust to stay the way you wereD1 I lifted my face and looked into my mother+s eyes% "nd I told her: ,4his is the way I was%1 Jou will want to know: 7ow did we get used to thingsD Ahat ha''ened to our memoriesD Did 6allio'e ha)e to die in order to make room for 6alD 4o all these @uestions I offer the same truism: it+s ama(ing what you can get used to% "fter I returned from &an 9rancisco and started li)ing as a male, my family found that, contrary to 'o'ular o'inion, gender was not all that im'ortant% !y change from girl to boy was far less dramatic than the distance anybody tra)els from infancy to adulthood% In most ways I remained the 'erson I+d always been% ?)en now, though I li)e as a man, I remain in essential ways 4essie+s daughter% I+m still the one who remembers to call her e)ery &unday% I+m the one she recounts her growing list of ailments to% *ike any good daughter, I+ll be the one to nurse her in her old age% Ae still discuss what+s wrong with men; we still, on )isits back home, ha)e our hair done together% =owing to the changing times, the -olden 9leece now cuts men+s hair as well as women+s% 8"nd I+)e

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finally let dear old &o'hie gi)e me that short haircut she always wanted%: =ut all that came later% 0ight then, we were in a hurry% It was almost ten% 4he limousine from the funeral 'arlor would be arri)ing in thirty/fi)e minutes% ,Jou better get cleaned u',1 4essie said to me% 4he funeral did what funerals are su''osed to do: it ga)e us no time to dwell on our feelings% 7ooking her arm in mine, 4essie led me into the house% !iddlese3, too, was in mourning% 4he mirror in the den was co)ered by a black cloth% 4here were black streamers on the sliding doors% "ll the old immigrant touches% "side from that, the house seemed unnaturally still and dim% "s always, the enormous windows brought the outdoors in, so that it was winter in the li)ing room; snow lay all around us% ,I guess you can wear that suit,1 6ha'ter ?le)en said to me% ,It looks 'retty a''ro'riate%1 ,I doubt you e)en ha)e a suit%1 ,I don+t% I didn+t go to a stuck/u' 'ri)ate school% Ahere did you get that thing, anywayD It smells%1 ,"t least it+s a suit%1 Ahile my brother and I teased each other, 4essie watched closely% &he was 'icking u' the cue from my brother that this thing that had ha''ened to me might be handled lightly% &he wasn+t sure she could do this herself, but she was watching how the younger generation 'ulled it off% &uddenly there was a strange noise, like an eagle+s cry% 4he intercom on the li)ing room wall crackled% " )oice shrieked, ,Joo/hoo> 4essie honey>1 4he immigrant touches, of course, weren+t around the house because of 4essie% 4he 'erson shrieking o)er the intercom was none other than Desdemona% atient reader, you may ha)e been wondering what ha''ened to my grandmother% Jou may ha)e noticed that, shortly after she climbed into bed fore)er, Desdemona began to fade away% =ut that was intentional% I allowed Desdemona to sli' out of my narrati)e because, to be honest, in the dramatic years of my transformation, she sli''ed out of my attention most of the time% 9or the last fi)e years she had remained bedridden in the guest house% During my time at =aker W Inglis, while I was falling in lo)e with the 2bBect, I had remained aware of my grandmother only in the )aguest of ways% I saw 4essie 're'aring her meals and carrying trays out to the guest house% ?)ery e)ening I saw my father make a dutiful )isit to her 'er'etual sickroom with its hot/water bottles and 'harmaceutical su''lies% "t those times !ilton s'oke to his mother in -reek, with increasing difficulty% During the war Desdemona had failed to teach her son to write -reek% How in her old age she recogni(ed with horror that he was forgetting how to s'eak it as well% 2ccasionally, I brought Desdemona+s food trays out and for a few minutes would reac@uaint myself with her time/ca'sule life% 4he framed 'hotogra'h of her burial 'lot still stood on her bedside table for reassurance% 4essie went to the intercom% ,Jes, yia yia ,1 she said% ,Did you need somethingD1 ,!y feet they are terrible today% Did you get the ?'som saltsD1 ,Jes% I+ll bring them to you%1 ,Ahy -od no let yia yia die, 4essieD ?)erybody+s dead> ?)erybody but yia yia > Yia yia she is too old to li)e now% "nd what does -od doD Hothing%1 ,"re you finished with your breakfastD1 ,Jes, thank you, honey% =ut the 'runes they were not good ones today%1 ,4hose are the same 'runes you always ha)e%1 ,&omething maybe it ha''en to them% -et a new bo3, 'lease, 4essie% 4he

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&unkist%1 ,I will%1 ,2kay, honey mou % 4hank you, honey%1 !y mother silenced the intercom and turned back to me% , Yia yia +s not doing so good anymore% 7er mind+s going% &ince you+)e been away she+s really gone downhill% Ae told her about !ilt%1 4essie faltered, near tears% ,"bout what ha''ened% Yia yia couldn+t sto' crying% I thought she was going to die right then and there% "nd then a few hours later she asked me where !ilt was% &he forgot the entire thing% !aybe it+s better that way%1 ,Is she going to the funeralD1 ,&he can barely walk% !rs% a'anikolas is coming to watch her% &he doesn+t know where she is half the time%1 4essie smiled sadly, shaking her head% ,Aho would ha)e thought she would outli)e !iltD1 &he teared u' again and forced the tears back% ,6an I go and see herD1 ,Jou want toD1 ,Jes%1 4essie looked a''rehensi)e% ,Ahat will you tell herD1 ,Ahat should I tell herD1 9or another few seconds my mother was silent, thinking% 4hen she shrugged% ,It doesn+t matter% Ahate)er you say she won+t remember% 4ake this out to her% &he wants to soak her feet%1 6arrying the ?'som salts and a 'iece of the bakla)a wra''ed in cello'hane, I came out of the house and walked along the 'ortico 'ast the courtyard and bathhouse to the guesthouse behind% 4he door was unlocked% I o'ened it and ste''ed in% 4he only light in the room came from the tele)ision, which was turned u' e3tremely loud% 9acing me when I entered was the old 'ortrait of atriarch "thenagoras that Desdemona had sa)ed from the yard sale years ago% In a birdcage by the window, a green 'arakeet, the last sur)i)ing member of my grand'arents+ former a)iary, was mo)ing back and forth on its balsa wood 'erch% 2ther familiar obBects and furnishings were still in e)idence, *efty+s rebetika records, the brass coffee table, and, of course, the silkworm bo3, sitting in the middle of the engra)ed circular to'% 4he bo3 was now so stuffed with mementos it wouldn+t shut% Inside were sna'shots, old letters, 'recious buttons, worry beads% &omewhere below all that, I knew, were two long braids of hair, tied with crumbling black ribbons, and a wedding crown made of shi'+s ro'e% I wanted to look at these things, but as I ste''ed farther into the room my attention was di)erted by the grand s'ectacle on the bed% Desdemona was 'ro''ed u', regally, against a beige corduroy cushion known as a husband% 4he arms of this cushion encircled her% rotruding from the elastic 'ocket on the outside of one arm was an as'irator, along with two or three 'ill bottles% Desdemona was in a 'ale white nightgown, the bedco)ers 'ulled u' to her waist, and in her la' sat one of her 4urkish atrocity fans% Hone of this was sur'rising% It was what Desdemona had done with her hair that shocked me% 2n hearing about !ilton+s death, she had remo)ed her hairnet, tearing at the masses of hair that tumbled down% 7er hair was com'letely gray but still )ery fine and, in the light coming from the tele)ision, it a''eared to be almost blond% 4he hair fell o)er her shoulders and s'read out o)er her body like the hair of =otticelli+s Oenus% 4he face framed by this astonishing cascade, howe)er, was not that of a beautiful young woman but that of an old widow with a s@uare head and dried/out mouth% In the unmo)ing air of the room and the smell of

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medicine and skin sal)es I could feel the weight of the time she had s'ent in this bed waiting and ho'ing to die% I+m not sure, with a grandmother like mine, if you can e)er become a true "merican in the sense of belie)ing that life is about the 'ursuit of ha''iness% 4he lesson of Desdemona+s suffering and reBection of life insisted that old age would not continue the manifold 'leasures of youth but would instead be a long trial that slowly robbed life of e)en its smallest, sim'lest Boys% ?)eryone struggles against des'air, but it always wins in the end% It has to% It+s the thing that lets us say goodbye% "s I was standing there taking my grandmother in, Desdemona suddenly turned her head and noticed me% 7er hand went u' to her breast% Aith a frightened e3'ression she reared back into her 'illows and shouted, ,*efty>1 How I was the one who was shocked% ,Ho, yia yia. It+s not papou % It+s me% 6al%1 ,AhoD1 ,6al%1 I 'aused% ,Jour grandson%1 4his wasn+t fair, of course% Desdemona+s memory was no longer shar'% =ut I wasn+t hel'ing her out any% ,6alD1 ,4hey called me 6allio'e when I was little%1 ,Jou look like my *efty,1 she said% ,I doD1 ,I thought you were my husband coming to take me to hea)en%1 &he laughed for the first time% ,I+m !ilt and 4essie+s kid%1 "s @uickly as it had come, the humor left Desdemona+s face and she looked sad and a'ologetic% ,I+m sorry% I don+t remember you, honey%1 ,I brought you these%1 I held out the ?'som salts and bakla)a% ,Ahy 4essie isn+t comingD1 ,&he has to get dressed%1 ,Dressed for whyD1 ,9or the funeral%1 Desdemona ga)e a cry and clutched her breast again% ,Aho diedD1 I didn+t answer% Instead I turned down the )olume on the tele)ision% 4hen, 'ointing at the birdcage, I said, ,I remember when you used to ha)e about twenty birds%1 &he looked o)er at the cage but said nothing% ,Jou used to li)e in the attic% 2n &eminole% 0ememberD 4hat+s when you got all the birds% Jou said they reminded you of =ursa%1 "t the sound of the name, Desdemona smiled again% ,In =ursa we ha)e all kind of birds% -reen, yellow, red% "ll kind% *ittle birds but )ery beautiful% *ike made from glass%1 ,I want to go there% 0emember that church thereD I want to go and fi3 it u' someday%1 ,!ilton is going to fi3 it% I kee' telling him%1 ,If he doesn+t do it, I will%1 Desdemona looked at me a moment as if measuring my ability to fulfill this 'romise% 4hen she said, ,I don+t remember you, honey, but 'lease can you fi3 for yia yia the ?'som saltsD1 I got the foot basin and filled it with warm water from the bathtub faucet% I

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s'rinkled in the soaking salts and brought it back into the bedroom% , ut it ne3t the chair, dolly mou %1 I did so% ,How hel' yia yia to get out of bed%1 6oming closer, I bent down% I slid each of her legs out of the co)ers, turning her% utting her arm o)er my shoulder, I 'ulled her to her feet for the short walk to the chair% ,I can+t do nothing anymore,1 she lamented on the way% ,I+m too old, honey%1 ,Jou+re doing okay%1 ,Ho, I can+t remember nothing% I ha)e aches and 'ains% !y heart it is not good%1 Ae had reached the chair now% I maneu)ered around behind her to ease her down% 6oming around to the front again, I lifted her swollen, blue/)eined feet into the sudsy water% Desdemona murmured with 'leasure% &he closed her eyes% 9or the ne3t few minutes Desdemona was silent, lu3uriating in the warm foot bath% 6olor returned to her ankles and rose u' her legs% 4his rosiness disa''eared under the hem of her nightgown but, a minute later, 'eeked out the collar% 4he flush s'read u' to her face, and when she o'ened her eyes there was a clarity in them that had been absent before% &he stared straight at me% "nd then she shouted, ,6allio'e>1 &he held her hand to her mouth% , Mana' Ahat ha''en to youD1 ,I grew u',1 was all I said% I hadn+t intended to tell her but now it was out% I had an idea it wouldn+t make any difference% &he wouldn+t remember this con)ersation% &he was still e3amining me, the lenses of her glasses magnifying her eyes% 7ad she had all her wits, Desdemona could not 'ossibly ha)e fathomed what I was saying% =ut in her senility she somehow accommodated the information% &he li)ed now amid memories and dreams, and in this state the old )illage stories grew near again% ,Jou+re a boy now, 6allio'eD1 ,!ore or less%1 &he took this in% ,!y mother she use to tell me something funny,1 she said% ,In the )illage, long time ago, they use to ha)e sometimes babies who were looking like girls% 4hen<fifteen, si3teen<they are looking like boys> !y mother tell me this but I ne)er belie)e%1 ,It+s a genetic thing% 4he doctor I went to says it ha''ens in little )illages% Ahere e)eryone marries each other%1 ,Dr% hil he used to talk about this, too%1 ,7e didD1 ,It+s all my fault%1 &he shook her head grimly% ,Ahat wasD Ahat was your faultD1 &he was not crying e3actly% 7er tear ducts were dried u' and no moisture rolled down her cheeks% =ut her face was going through the motions, her shoulders @uaking% ,4he 'riests say e)en first cousins ne)er should marry,1 she said% ,&econd cousins is okay, but you ha)e to ask first the archbisho'%1 &he was looking away now, trying to remember it all% ,?)en if you want to marry your god'arents+ son, you can+t% I thought it was only something for the 6hurch% I didn+t know it was because what can ha''en to the babies% I was Bust stu'id girl from )illage%1 &he went on in that )ein for a while, castigating herself% &he had momentarily forgotten that I was there or that she was s'eaking aloud% ,"nd then Dr% hil he tell me terrible things% I was so scared I had an o'eration> Ho more babies% 4hen !ilton he ha)e children and again I was scared% =ut nothing ha''en% &o I think, after so long time, e)erything was okay%1 ,Ahat are you saying, yia yia D Papou was your cousinD1

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,4hird cousin%1 ,4hat+s all right%1 ,Hot third cousin only% "lso brother%1 !y heart ski''ed% , Papou was your brotherD1 ,Jes, honey,1 Desdemona said with infinite weariness% ,*ong time ago% In another country%1 0ight then the intercom sounded: ,6allieD1 4essie coughed, correcting herself: ,6alD1 ,Jeah%1 ,Jou better get cleaned u'% 4he car+s coming in ten minutes%1 ,I+m not going%1 I 'aused% ,I+m going to stay here with yia yia. 1 ,Jou need to be there, honey,1 said 4essie% I crossed to the intercom and 'ut my mouth against the s'eaker and said in a dee' )oice, ,I+m not going into that church%1 ,Ahy notD1 ,7a)e you seen what they charge for those goddamn candlesD1 4essie laughed% &he needed to% &o I ke't going, lowering my )oice to sound like my father+s% ,4wo bucks for a candleD Ahat a racket> !aybe you could con)ince somebody from the old country to shell out for that kind of thing, but not here in the ;%&%"%>1 It was infectious to do !ilton% How 4essie lowered her )oice in the s'eaker: ,4otal ri'/off>1 she said, and laughed again% Ae understood then that this was how we were going to do it% 4his was how we were going to kee' !ilton ali)e% ,"re you sure you don+t want to goD1 she asked me% ,It+ll be too com'licated, !om% I don+t want to ha)e to e3'lain e)erything to e)erybody% Hot yet% It+ll be too big of a distraction% It+ll be better if I+m not there%1 In her heart 4essie agreed, and so she soon relented% ,I+ll tell !rs% a'anikolas she doesn+t need to come stay with yia yia. 1 Desdemona was still looking at me but her eyes had gone dreamy% &he was smiling% "nd then she said, ,!y s'oon was right%1 ,I guess so%1 ,I+m sorry, honey% I+m sorry this ha''en to you%1 ,It+s all right%1 ,I+m sorry, honey mou %1 ,I like my life,1 I told her% ,I+m going to ha)e a good life%1 &he still looked 'ained, so I took her hand% ,Don+t worry, yia yia. I won+t tell anyone%1 ,Aho+s to tellD ?)erybody+s dead now%1 ,Jou+re not% I+ll wait until you+re gone%1 ,2kay% Ahen I die, you can tell e)erything%1 ,I will%1 ,=ra)o, honey mou % =ra)o%1 "t "ssum'tion 6hurch, no doubt against his wishes, !ilton &te'hanides was gi)en a full 2rthodo3 funeral% 9ather -reg 'erformed the ser)ice% "s for 9ather !ichael "ntoniou, he was later con)icted of attem'ted grand larceny and ser)ed two years in 'rison% "unt Go di)orced him and mo)ed to 9lorida with Desdemona% Ahere to e3actlyD Hew &myrna =each% Ahere elseD " few years later, when my mother was forced to sell our house, she mo)ed to 9lorida, too, and the three of them li)ed together

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as they once had on 7urlbut &treet, until Desdemona+s death in 1950% 4essie and GoF are still in 9lorida today, two women li)ing on their own% !ilton+s casket remained closed during the funeral% 4essie had gi)en -eorgie a''as, the undertaker, her husband+s wedding crown, so that it could be buried along with him% Ahen it came time to gi)e the deceased the final kiss, the mourners filed 'ast !ilton+s coffin and kissed its burnished lid% 9ewer 'eo'le came to my father+s funeral than we e3'ected% Hone of the 7ercules franchise owners showed u', not one of the men !ilton had sociali(ed with for years and years; and so we reali(ed that, des'ite his bonhomie, !ilton had ne)er had any friends, only business associates% 9amily members turned out instead% eter 4atakis, the chiro'ractor, arri)ed in his wine/dark =uick, and =art &kiotis 'aid his res'ects at the church whose foundation he had laid with substandard materials% -us and 7elen anos were there and, because it was a funeral, -us+s tracheotomy made his )oice sound e)en more like the )oice of death% "unt Go and our cousins didn+t sit in front% 4hat 'ew was reser)ed for my mother and brother% "nd so it was I who, u'holding an old -reek custom no one remembered anymore, stayed behind on !iddlese3, blocking the door, so that !ilton+s s'irit wouldn+t reenter the house% It was always a man who did this, and now I @ualified% In my black suit, with my dirty Aallabees, I stood in the doorway, which was o'en to the winter wind% 4he wee'ing willows were bare but still massi)e and threw u' their twisted arms like women in grief% 4he 'astel yellow cube of our modern house sat cleanly on the white snow% !iddlese3 was now almost se)enty years old% 4hough we had ruined it with our colonial furniture, it was still the beacon it was intended to be, a 'lace with few interior walls, di)ested of the formalities of bourgeois life, a 'lace designed for a new ty'e of human being, who would inhabit a new world% I couldn+t hel' feeling, of course, that that 'erson was me, me and all the others like me% "fter the funeral ser)ice, e)eryone got back into the cars for the dri)e to the cemetery% ur'le 'ennants flew from the antennas as the 'rocession dro)e slowly through the streets of the old ?ast &ide where my father had grown u', where he had once serenaded my mother from his bedroom window% 4he motorcade came down !ack ")enue and when they 'assed 7urlbut, 4essie looked out the limousine window to see the old house% =ut she couldn+t find it% =ushes had grown u' all around, the yards were littered, and the decre'it houses now all looked the same to her% " little later, the hearse and limousines encountered a line of motorcycles and my mother noticed that the dri)ers were all wearing fe((es% 4hey were &hriners, in town for a con)ention% 0es'ectfully, they 'ulled o)er to let the funeral 'rocession 'ass% 2n !iddlese3, I remained in the front doorway% I took my duty seriously and didn+t budge, des'ite the free(ing wind% !ilton, the child a'ostate, would ha)e been confirmed in his ske'ticism, because his s'irit ne)er returned that day, trying to get 'ast me% 4he mulberry tree had no lea)es% 4he wind swe't o)er the crusted snow into my =y(antine face, which was the face of my grandfather and of the "merican girl I had once been% I stood in the door for an hour, maybe two% I lost track after a while, ha''y to be home, wee'ing for my father, and thinking about what was ne3t%

uthor@s %ote
ortions of this no)el a''eared, in different form, in !he 8ew Yorker and Granta

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% 4he author would like to thank the Ahiting Jounger Ariters+ "wards, the John &imon -uggenheim 9oundation, the Hational ?ndowment for the "rts, the Deutscher "kademischer "ustauschdienst, the "merican "cademy in =erlin, the !acDowell 6olony, Jaddo, 7elen a'anikolas, and !ilton Qarafilis, for their hel' and su''ort% In addition, the author would like to cite the following works from which he drew information crucial in the writing of !iddlese3: 4he &myrna "ffair by !arBorie 7ouse'ian Dobkin; ,Arestling with Death: -reek Immigrant 9uneral 6ustoms in ;tah1 by 7elen G% a'anikolas; "n 2riginal !an by 6laude "ndrew 6legg III; 4he =lack !uslims in "merica by 6% ?ric *incoln; Oenuses enuses: &e3ology, &e3oso'hy, and ?3igency 4heory by Dr% John !oney; 4hird &e3, 4hird -ender: =eyond &e3ual Dimor'hism in 6ulture and 7istory, edited by -ilbert 7erdt; 7erma'hrodites and the !edical In)ention of &e3 by "lice Domurat Dreger; ,"ndrogens and the ?)olution of !ale -ender Identity "mong !ale seudo/herma'hrodites with ./al'ha/reductase Deficiency1 by Julianne Im'erato/!c-inley, !%D%, 0al'h ?% eterson, !%D%, 4eofilo -autier, !%D%, and ?rasmo &turla, !%D%; and 7erma'hrodites with "ttitude, the news'a'er 'ublished by the Interse3 &ociety of Horth "merica%