ONE BEDROOM HALL AND KITCHEN

samira gupta

for ma my friend, philosopher and guide

One Bedroom, Hall and Kitchen is a series of events, conversations, recollections and reections which span a period of one year. It is meant to be read and written in.

All text & content Copyright Samira Gupta, 2013 All Rights Reserved Paper: Sheshashayee natural shade, 90 gsm Set in Gotham 8 pt size This book can be lent, resold, hired out and circulated, in whole or in part, without written permission of the author. It is meant to be shared.

ma always says it doesnt matter where you start. what matters is where you end up

ive made your dinner for tonight. the rotis are in the box. heat them and add a little ghee before eating. there is some mango chutney in the fridge. ive bought vegetables for the week. rashida will be here by 8.00 tomorrow morning. ive gone through the cleaning with her, but keep an eye on her or else she might start slacking. ive done the best i can. dont want to leave but what to do. this is the life you have chosen. take care and eat your meals on time. i am leaving a little bit of myself behind. miss you a lot. i will call when i land. love, ma

the rst night i slept alone, the silence was deafening

i grew up in a big old house where it was easy to get lost hide in a quiet corner and not be found but i always knew where my mother was by the sound of her keys they had the nicest ring not too heavy, not too light almost playful i would picture her dancing gracefully around the house her keys jingling from her waist and wished i had one just like hers

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how was your day? good. busy did you sleep well? yes

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when i left home and moved into my own house my landlord handed me a single key the door opened with a tiny insignicant click and it locked soundlessly if i wasnt listening carefully enough i could miss myself coming back home sometimes on dark quiet nights i would hear the jingle of my mothers keys that playful ring that made me happy and picture her dancing gracefully around the house

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how was your day? good. busy did you eat your dinner? yes

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how was your day? good. busy do you have enough money? yes, dont worry i always worry

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living alone will be difficult. but that is the path you have chosen. use your freedom with care and remember to always do the right thing. you will be tempted easily, so be strong. freedom is exciting but it can also be reckless. think twice before you do anything. weigh your options and be honest with yourself. rash decisions can easily turn to regret. one which you wont be able to undo. remember what i have taught you and dont let me down. i am sending you with a lot of faith and trust. take care of yourself. be good. love, ma

i nally have the freedom that i have always wanted. but it wasnt easy to get here. i had to ght for it. even though it might have hurt you and dad. every small decision in my life has been a ght with you. college, boyfriends, holidays everything. maybe it was a ght because you wanted me to be sure of my decisions. maybe it was because you did not want me to leave. i cant be the person you want me to be. but that does not make me wrong. it just makes me a different person - with different hopes and dreams. i wish that i could tell you how difficult it was for me. because it was. this is something that i need to do. and if i make mistakes along the way, they will be mine to correct and learn from.

your hopes & dreams are mine too. someday you will understand that. love, ma

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how was your day? good. busy did the maid come today no the house must be dirty i cleaned it

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learn to plan your day. you will be surprised with what you can do if you plan. how do you think i run my house singlehanded? your dad is always out on work and the maid doesnt come half the time. that is the way it is. but, i dont complain. what needs to be done, needs to be done. and with a little planning in the morning, i nish working, cooking and cleaning in time to watch my serials at night. you will learn that in your own way. love, ma

i dont know how you do it. i make lists all the time. they are in my bag, on the fridge, on my phone but i always end up missing something. sometimes the butter is over and sometimes there is no rice. i try and save every month but the money just slips through my hands. you were so young when i was born. how did you manage? how many things did you give up? what would you have done if you had the time i have now? which dream would you have fullled?

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time took on a new meaning. there were no rules. there was no schedule. just a vast endless expanse in which i could do anything. there was no one to watch over me anymore. i was nally free. and i realized that i had never been alone with myself. i had to start making my own decisions did my clothes look good? was my hair okay? was the rice undercooked? was my maid being unreasonable? how much should the electricity bill be? what time should i fall asleep?

i wasnt sure anymore.

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when you were in school i used to schedule all my client meetings in the morning. i made sure that i was always home before you so that i could give you your lunch. i let you learn whatever you wanted. remember those lessons on the casio? and the show that you did? and your bharatnatyam and art classes? you changed your mind a lot. one day you wanted to learn karate and the next day you wanted to act in a play. i never held you back. i had decided that i will give my daughter everything that i never got. and i have tried my best. i hope that you always keep this spirit alive. that is what makes you who you are. love, ma

i could never nish what i started. my art classes would seem boring after a while. the bharatnatyam did not seem as exciting at karate. i wanted to try my hand at tennis and horse riding too. but those classes were too far away and ma couldnt take me there. so she organized everything for me within the colony. i felt restricted sometimes. why couldnt i have a car and driver like everyone else. why did my teachers always come home? why couldnt i join classes with my friends? there was just one answer to all of them tell me what you want to learn and i will organize it for you.

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how was your day? good. busy did you get to work on time yes. just managed try waking up a little early. you will get some time to yourself : i have enough time to myself

routine slipped into oblivion. i didnt care about my clothes or my hair taking a bath on sundays seemed like a chore and vegetables were slowly replaced by instant food my life had its own rhythm and i was ne with it

till i fell asleep one sunday evening

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a long lazy sleep of a person who has nothing to do nowhere to go and time to kill my phone was on silent when i woke up i had 47 missed calls 39 from my mother i was annoyed, sleepy, irritated and very angry i called her back in a t of rage wanting to assert my independence annoyed at her concern then i heard her cry just small soft sobs of relief her daughter was okay

i was still angry but this time at myself

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when you were a little girl, you went and hid behind the curtain in the drawing room. i searched for you everywhere. i called out your name so many times. i went out on to the street looking for you. i couldnt nd you anywhere. i thought something bad had happened. and that i would never see you again. but you were at home the whole time. hiding behind the curtain. oblivious to everything. and i didnt know. you came out after an hour. you will never know what those 60 minutes felt like - till you have your own child. you might mock me today. but someday you will understand - that i was right all along. so i am asking you to be patient with me. i worry for you. it is only natural. and please dont ever put your phone on silent. love, ma

when i was a little girl i would often hide behind the curtains. it was a quiet place. and no one ever found me there. i would sit there for hours listening to the sound of my mothers keys. it was such a happy melody. and i would picture her dancing around the house. going into the kitchen, up the staircase and then down again. answering the doorbell and talking on the phone. the jingle of her keys grew softer and louder as she walked around, till they were singing in my ears. and then suddenly one day the sound stopped. there was complete silence. i peeked from behind the curtain to see where she had gone and couldnt nd her anywhere. i felt lost. i didnt know what to do. my mother had left me and gone. and i started crying.

i guess thats why i got into the habit of following her around the house. i still do it sometimes.

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: how was your day : lazy : good. you need to rest sometimes

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i used to love singing in the shower. i would pick a song every day. it was a part of my routine. taking out my clothes, getting ready for school, picking a song to hum in the shower. i would sing loudly and often tunelessly - secretly hoping that someone would hear me. and every morning, while dropping me to school, my dad would sing my shower song in the car.

when i moved out i tried singing in the shower. it used to cheer me up when i was young so why not now? but it wasnt the same anymore. maybe because there was no one to listen to it. or maybe because i couldnt imagine the auto driver singing my shower song.

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: how was your day? : good. busy : i was going through some old photographs today. : really : yes. and i found a very sweet one of you and your dad in the shower. : when did that happen? : you dont remember? : not really. tell me about it : well you were in a really bad mood and wouldnt stop sulking. so your dad picked you up, turned on the shower and got under it with both of you fully clothed. he started singing some vague song and soon enough you were singing along with him at the top of your voice. : yes i remember now... ... i dont sing in the shower anymore : he doesnt hum while driving either : things change with time ma : i wish they wouldnt

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the sweeper in my office comes at 1.00 pm. i always thought it was an odd time to sweep the oor. in the middle of a bustling office. but thats his time. i asked someone why he couldnt come in the morning. they didnt know who i was talking about.

will they notice if i dont come to work tomorrow?

: how was your day? : good. busy : are you working on something interesting? : not yet

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my maid would often fall sick and not come i always thought she was lying till one day i fell sick on those days when i needed help she came in twice a day to make sure i was okay

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how are you feeling better have you eaten something? yes did you take your medicines? yes okay rest it out. i will call later

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no one from work called to ask how i was feeling

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how was your day boring why? i didnt have much work why didnt you leave early then what will i come home and do? why? dont you like going home? are you unhappy no. i just get bored then go out with your friends people are not always free to entertain me never mind. its just one of those days. tomorrow will be better

i cook dinner for myself every night. every night ma teaches me something new. we have something to talk about now. sometimes she tells me stories about herself. sometimes i tell her about my day. she never taught me how to cook. and i nally understand why.

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the second night i slept alone the silence took on a life of its own.

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there are cracks on the walls in my house tiny unnoticeable cracks in places where the eye wouldnt normally wander i like nding them like a treasure hunt game i used to play as a child but the most fascinating ones are on my ceiling and those are the ones i see the most

the third night i asked a friend to stay with me

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i remember one summer, when i was your age, my mother gave the maids a holiday and told us that we would have to take care of the house. we had to dust the windows, sweep the oors, wash all the clothes, buy the groceries and cook the meals. it felt so unfair. i couldnt go to watch movies or join my friends anywhere. she was strict and relentless and i resented her for a long time. but when i got married all her training came to use. only then did i understand the value of what she had taught me. i have tried to teach you what i know and i hope that you see the value in that when you start running your own home. one day you will realize that i was right. love, ma

in some ways you were so amazing. you never lectured me when i slept late on sundays. you never asked me to make my bed, clean the house or do the dusting. i would watch you work relentlessly the whole day and it never occurred to me to help you. was it because you never expected it? or was it because i just took it for granted? i can only imagine how tiring it must have been. but you never showed it. i get tired so easily. work is exhausting and the sheer thought of cleaning tires me. how did you smile through it all? were you happy then? are you happy now?

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how was your day? good. busy you sound upset no. im ne. dont worry take care and eat your dinner

i always spot dust in my house. on the counters, in the bathroom, on shelves in the kitchen and under the cupboard. it appears to oat and settle almost immediately after i clean the surface. like it is taunting me, mocking me your mother could do it - why cant you? i asked ma how she managed to keep the house spotless. she said it comes with practice.

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my night guard is an old man he walks up and down my block from 11 pm till 4 am he has a thick walking stick and a piercing whistle it takes him 15 minutes to walk around the block and every 15 minutes i remind myself that there is someone watching over me at night

the invisible people are the ones who matter the most

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how was your day? tiring why? too much work youre okay na beta? yes, ma. im ne okay sleep early. i will call tomorrow

the fourth night i slept alone i ignored the silence

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i nd twilight very disquieting its not yet dark, but the light has gone the day is coming to an end but there is still a lot to be done i cant leave work yet but its unsettling to stay on it reminds me that another day is over inconsequential, negligible, uneventful

people would often come to my house after work we would drink late into the night talking about nothing i met many people i didnt know i made many friends i didnt care about and i fell asleep much before the party was over

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how was your day? good youre happy na? of course when are you coming home? soon

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choose your friends carefully now. they will be a part of some of the biggest decisions you will make. the wrong company will lead you down a very different road. and one wrong decision is all it takes. love, ma

i am not in college anymore. i am working and meeting new people every day. i might not be right about all of them, but it is a process isnt it? thats how you learnt and thats how i will too. trust me. i will think twice before i make a big decision.

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: how was your day? : good. busy : i feel like i havent seen you in months : i know : why dont you come home for some time? : its not so easy to take off : let me buy the ticket for you : its not about the money ma. ill come when i can : okay think it over and let me know

i convinced myself that i liked having people over it was evident that they loved my house thats why i was never invited to their parties

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how was your day? same as yesterday are you in a bad mood? no then why are you talking like this talking like what? okay i will speak to you later why? because you are in a bad mood you ask me the same question every day. i dont have something new to say to you i am just concerned about what? about you well dont be. im ne

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you have to learn to control your temper. there will always be people who will annoy you, irritate you, and upset you. take it in your stride. dont let it affect you so much. think of other things which make you happy. talk to people who will take your mind off the situation. because once it is said you cannot take it back. and you will regret it later. love, ma

it is so difficult to stay calm when i have to answer the same question every day. you keep asking me to control my temper. to not be rude. to talk with respect. but do you realize that you are the one who angers me the most? i cannot shout at my clients. but i can at least tell you if you are making me angry. you keep telling me that you are my friend. and then you lecture me like a mother. you cannot be both. so now you need to decide if you are my friend or my mother. i will adjust my tone accordingly.

i am your mother and i am your friend. we can be both if you let me. love, ma

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its usually on hot summer nights that the lights would go 7 to 8 hours of darkness, suffocation and restlessness sleep was impossible the silence amplied sounds which didnt exist the shadows merged into each other i was all alone but could feel someone watching me and in times like this the only thing that helped was to chant the gayatri mantra endlessly till the shadows disappeared and sounds from the street reminded me of life outside my house

om bhuur-bhuvah svah tat-savitur-varennyam bhargo devasya dhiimahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayaat om bhuur-bhuvah svah tat-savitur-varennyam bhargo devasya dhiimahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayaat om bhuur-bhuvah svah tat-savitur-varennyam bhargo devasya dhiimahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayaat

om bhuur-bhuvah svah tat-savitur-varennyam bhargo devasya dhiimahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayaat

om bhuur-bhuvah svah tat-savitur-varennyam bhargo devasya dhiimahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayaat

om bhuur-bhuvah svah tat-savitur-varennyam bhargo devasya dhiimahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayaat

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it was the only chant i remembered it was the only chant which helped ma used to say do your best and leave the rest up to god i dont believe in god but ma doesnt know that yet

dear meenu, it was good talking to you and getting to know you and your family better. i am a very religious and spiritual person and i rmly believe that he is there and whatever happens is because he wants it to happen. now our getting together in this way might be because of him, but my daughter is not a very religious person - she does believe in god. she is a very modern girl, very outgoing, ambitious, gregarious, full of fun and somehow not spiritually inclined at all. i thought it to be my duty to clarify this to your son so that he is aware of what type of nature she has. if all of this is ne with him they can try and interact and see if it works out for them. plus i do hope that her being a non vegetarian is not a problem, because these issues can create problems later on in life. maybe you can think over these points and if you both think its ok i shall give her email id. awaiting your reply regards

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how was your day? good. busy when are you coming home? soon i miss you a lot i know. ill come for a weekend cant you stay longer? no. i dont get leave okay. try to extend it if you can

it was important for us to stay apart thats the only way we could have come closer

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my mother had a favourite scarlet lipstick which she wore when she went out. it was a tiny, inconspicuous navy blue case with the most astonishing shade of red. it needed to be applied very carefully, specially around the edges otherwise it would smudge. it was quiet an art one which my mother had mastered. on one rare occasion she forgot to lock her make-up drawer. i tried for hours to wear the lipstick without smudging. it was impossible. but i thought i looked pretty under the yellow light of the dressing table - just like her.

on days when i am bored i wear my red lipstick at home it doesnt smudge anymore and i think it makes me look pretty

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dear neeta, as discussed please nd attached the bio data and some photographs of my daughter. regards

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did you read the email i sent you? yes so what do you think? its just an email. i cant make a character judgement with it : yes but did it interest you enough to write back : no : why not? : because someone who is on a marriage portal is already off my list : then what do you want me to do? i am trying my best to nd someone suitable for you : dont try. i will nd someone myself : its not so easy you know : its not that tough either : i dont want you to be lonely : who told you i was lonely? : okay we will talk about this later : i dont want to talk about it

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you are now becoming a woman - aware, independent and strong. as you grow older you will notice that not everything in life is fair. you will learn to compromise, accept defeat and ght back when needed. you will care for the people around you and have compassion and patience for those who you dont understand. this is all a part of growing up. the lessons we learn, the things we give up and the things which are important to us. many things will change. many things will remain the same. so remember to compromise. be content with what you have. otherwise you will always be miserable and angry at the world. life is not fair, but it is not bad either. i didnt want to call because you are very upset right now. but i am always there, if you want to talk. love you, ma

sometimes i feel like my life has been decided for me. nish college at 21. get married. have your rst child at 25. the second at 30. wait for them to grow up. and then decide if you want a career. there is no other option. and if i question it then i am going in the wrong direction. maybe its time someone in our family decided to take a different route. you have given up your whole life, your dreams, your career for a family which never appreciated it. you brought me up to be an independent woman who can think for herself. and when i do, you tell me that i am wrong - because i am not following a custom, a standard set by the same people you loathe. who is this society? and why do they scare you so much? you are an independent woman and so is your daughter. these people should look up to you ma. not judge you.

it is in your success, that my dreams will be fullled. be happy. because your happiness is mine too. love, ma

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how was your day? good. busy have you given a thought to those emails? not yet think about it please. for me i will. can we talk about something else okay so tell me, how was your day?

dear sir, in response to your advertisement in the newspaper regarding a suitable girl for your son i am sending you a basic bio data of my daughter. should you want further information i would be happy to oblige once i receive a response from you. we will be happy to see the bio data of your son as your advertisement does not say much. awaiting your early response. regards

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how was your day? good. busy any thoughts on the emails? no okay we will talk about it later

hi thanks for the email id of your daughter. it would be easier for me if you could forward her contact number. thanks & regards vikram

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: who is this vikram???? : did he send you a mail? what did he say? : can you stop sending me these emails? its embarrassing to open them in office. everyone laughs at me : let them laugh. i am doing what i think is best for my daughter : why dont you start by asking what your daughter wants? : you dont know what you want : i know i dont want emails from strangers : everyone is a stranger till you get to know them : then i am not interested : when will you stop being difficult and try and understand : this is about the rest of my life! i think its important to be difficult : you dont understand what i am going through : do you understand what you are making me go through? : all i am asking is to try and have a conversation : i am not interested : cant you do this much for me : no : okay will you at least think about it? talk to your friends : can we change the topic? or else i am going to hang up : okay. dont get angry. now tell me how was your day?

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dear rahul, wish you a very happy and prosperous new year. this is with regards to the previous email sent on december 23, 2009. there was no news from your end, just thought of emailing you to check if everythings ok. take care & god bless

dear maam, thank you for your email and the good wishes. happy new year to you too. sorry for not writing back earlier. i was in india and have been unusually busy. well, it would be good to get in touch. i have your daughters email id and would like to write to her if its ok. do let me know if you need more information about me. best regards, rahul

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how was your day? good. busy i was really missing you today why? what happened? nothing. its just one of those days why dont you and dad go out for dinner i am trying to save money a dinner wont harm you every penny counts

dear rahul, thank you for your reply. it was so good of you to ask if i needed some more information about yourself, as in these sites not much is written about the family and as most are posted by self it feels a little awkward for mothers to ask for more information before any progress is made. you must have gathered by now that i am an anxious mother and do hope i am doing the right thing for my daughter so if you write a little more about your family - as in, the names, where they live, what they do etc. it would be helpful. i do hope that you and my daughter nd some common ground. the rest i leave to god. god bless you

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did you read the email i sent you? yes did you reply no why not? because i told you i wasnt interested you havent even tried i am not going to try and make conversation with a random stranger ma. what is wrong with you? cant you see that i am not interested. i have told you a million times but it just doesnt seem to register with you. this is so wrong. : what is so wrong about it? i am just a worried mother. i want my daughter to settle down : i have settled down!! i have a job, a house and a life. i dont need to get married to settle down : that is not what i meant : then what did you mean? : marriage brings with it a certain amount of security. once you are married my responsibility is over. : thats just great. hand me over like an item in a shop. : you are not growing any younger. after a certain age it will be harder to nd someone : yes right! i forgot. my shelf life is expiring isnt it? : dont talk to me like that. what will people say? i am answerable to others as well : you are only answerable to yourself. why do you care so much about what other people think?

: you wont understand that now. when you have your own daughter then you will know : i will never make my daughter go through what you have made me go through : you make me sound like a monster. i only have your best interests at heart : no you dont!! you keep sending me these emails after ive told you i am not interested and you expect me to understand?? : i expect you to be mature enough to have a conversation about it : well i guess im not mature enough then : then you shouldnt be living alone either. if you talk to me like this again then i will make sure that you pack your bags and come straight back home : im never coming back home. if i did then you would make me meet boys every day. : that is not true. i look for boys who will be suitable for you : how do you know what i want? how do you know what i am looking for? : i know because i am your mother : you dont know anything. you never understood me. thats why i left. otherwise i would end up just like you. a married housewife with 2 kids and a pathetic excuse for a job : :

: : : : : i think youve said enough. good night.

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dear rahul, got to know from my daughter that you both are no longer in touch. i am really sorry that it came to this - but maybe i could not understand my daughters feelings, and this line of communication she could not relate to. i really found you to be a good boy who came across as very transparent and sincere in intentions and i apologise if my child has hurt your feelings. wish you all the very best in life. god bless

once it is said you cannot take it back. and you will regret it later.

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i was not sure if my mother would ever understand me. and why did it matter so much? we were two very different women, with very different ways of thinking. she married young, had children and then decided to have a career. i dont want to make that mistake. i want a career rst. nancial stability. only then can i even think about getting married. cant she understand that? cant we just agree to disagree? why is it bothering me so much? i cant get it out of my head. is she unhappy with me? do i make her sad? have i lived up to her expectations? do i even need to? will i ever nd a way to make things right again?

or are we just two lonely women, brought together by fate, seeking solace in each other?

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i usually dont interfere with you and your mother. but this time you have crossed the line. i understand that you both have a difference of opinion but she is only doing what she thinks is best for you. she is your mother and has every right to think about your future. it has been her dream since you were a little girl. i remember when i used to take her shopping. all she was interested in was your clothes and nding socks, shoes and hair clips which would match. you were always the best dressed little girl. with the best manners. what happened to everything we have taught you? you have a right to differ in your opinion. but you do not have the right to talk to her the way you did. she worries about you every day - are you eating well, are you sleeping enough, are you stressed at work, are you happy? i wish you would see that. she gets upset when she doesnt speak to you. she waits for your call every morning and every night. her routine revolves around her children. and what does she get in return? a jab at her useless life? you are her life. she is a simple woman with a simple dream. she wants to see her daughter married. i have been watching her getting stressed and upset day after day. i cant remember the last time i saw her smile. you may think that you dont owe her anything. maybe you dont. but a little gratitude never harmed anyone. try it once. hear her out. thats all i am asking for. call her tomorrow if you can. it will make her happy. love, dad
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does an apology mean that i am willing to hear her out? or does it mean that i am willing to meet all these boys?

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i felt freedom in little things late nights and late mornings my rst salary my rst client my rst shopping spree a key to my own home being alone my rst ight ticket back home

when i was your age i didnt have the freedom you do now. i have tried to give you everything you asked for, everything you wanted. a good education so that you never depend on another person. i know what that feels like. independence so that you can make your own decisions. but you are now turning into someone i dont recognize. you are always angry, resentful, upset or irritated. where has my daughter gone? do you know what you are becoming? how have i brought you up? its all my fault. i should never have let you leave. ma

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there is a ying horse who lives in the city he is white in colour majestic, tall and handsome no one knows where he lives and no one has ever been able to nd him but he comes out on full moon nights and if you wear white he will come to your door and whisper your name very softly once if you manage to hear him then he will ask you to join him

as a little girl i wore white every full moon night pretending to be fast asleep waiting for someone to call out my name the story seemed so believable then i never noticed everyone giggling when i asked about the horse he had to be real otherwise why would my aunt tell me about him and why would she buy me a white nightie?

its still my favourite colour it makes me look nice

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how was your day? boring why? what happened? nothing, just generally.. you cant have something to do all the time

i used to know all the neighbourhood children i also knew which school they went to and what their favourite colour was. every sunday we would get together and play till it got dark. but a new home and a new life require new rules letting go of the past and coming to terms with the present its better to not know your neighbours now it feels safer but sometimes when i see familiar faces i wonder which building they live in where they work if they are married or living alone and about their favourite colour

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how was your day? good. busy any plans for this weekend? not yet

being alone is the best thing sleeping late, waking up late ordering food, not cleaning up no one to judge you no one to lecture you no one to talk to

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: i had a really bad day : what happened? : everything is going wrong : do you have enough money : its not about the money : I think ill come and stay with you for a while : no its okay : are you sure? : what will you do the whole day? I will be at work. : dont worry about that. i can always nd something to do. if you need me then i am ready to come tomorrow : no its okay. ill manage. it was just a bad day : then cheer up and be strong. i dont like to hear you upset. it upsets me too : i know. sorry : dont worry. eat you dinner and sleep early. remember - tomorrow is another day.

i bought fairy lights to ght my evenings its nice to switch off my tube light and let the dim yellow ll the room everything always looks warm & cosy like a page out of a fairy tale on nights when i am on my own they remind me that its good to be lonely

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i tried calling you in the morning, but you must have still been sleeping. i am going for a movie with your dad and will be home by 3 in the afternoon. message me when you wake up. i will call you once i am back home. love, ma

: i had called in the morning : i know. i was late for work so thought i would call you later : I thought you were taking the day off : something came up and I had to go : i didnt speak to you yesterday either : i know : i dont feel good unless i speak to you : i know : then why didnt you call? : i was just busy. it happens sometimes. work is tough. why are you being so difficult? its not such a big deal : it is for me : you know i call when i can : okay forget about it. how was your day?

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sunday used to be our family day an unsaid rule where we had to stay at home lunch together, dinner together there would be long spells of silence we didnt have much to say to each other and invariably i would end up getting lectured i always longed to have sundays to myself to daydream and laze to plan my week to go where I wanted and do as I pleased but it never struck me that wanting to be left alone was very different from being all alone

i didnt care for sundays then i dont care for sundays now

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it has nally stopped raining the clouds are beginning to disappear my terrace should look washed, clean almost sparkling new but instead the settled dust has turned everything into a muddy brown the thick humid air will make sure that my clothes dont dry the ceiling is leaking and my walls are moist at least it will be a starry night

: : : :

how was your day? good. busy did you sleep well? yes

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there is a grocery store right across my house run by a man and his wife i would go there often, sometimes thrice a day sit on the steps and have a cup of tea make small talk for a few minutes till one day he commented on my clothes and the next day he told me what time i had come back home i stopped going there and became more organized about my groceries my mother was right planning makes all the difference and anyway i preferred coffee over tea

: : : :

how was your day? very busy have you eaten? yes

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: : : :

how was your day? good. busy have you bought your groceries? yes

: : : :

how was your day? good. busy have you eaten your dinner? yes

: : : :

how was your day? good. busy did you sleep well? yes

: : : :

how was your day? good. busy did the maid come today? yes

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i still have so many things to do. but cannot remember what they are anymore.

: when will you come home? : soon

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: : : : : : :

how was your day? same as yesterday ma why are you talking like this again? what did i say now? its not what you say. its how you say it i said it normally no you didnt. you think i dont get upset or what? are you the only one with feelings? : calm down! i didnt say anything which should upset you so much : maybe its the things you dont say which upset me : what is wrong with you ma? : you are living alone, doing god knows what. i dont know where you go, what you do. i worry you know : i speak to you every day. and i am working and trying to live alone. its not easy : i told you that when you left. but you didnt want to listen. having your own space is not everything you thought it would be is it? : its everything i thought it would be. but every day cant be great : then the next time you are in a bad mood dont call me. i cant be your punching bag all the time : ne. i wont.

i didnt want to ght with you. but sometimes your tone is so hurtful that i cant help myself. i am sorry if i upset you. its only because i worry. call me when you wake up tomorrow. love, ma

i am sorry if i sounded rude. i didnt mean to.

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: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

what time is your ight? at 5.30 in the evening have you packed? yes have you printed out your ticket? yes. i have it in my bag have you called a cab? no. i will take an auto good. have you cleaned out your fridge and told the maid you wont be there? yes make sure you lock the house. double check to be sure. i will okay ive bought you your pastries thank you do you want anything else? has dad ordered the biryani? yes. it will be here by the time you get home okay come soon. i cant wait to see you me too message me when you have boarded okay

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it felt strange to go back home the rst time everything looked the same, almost untouched almost like i had never left but i had forgotten how big my house really was how lonely it could feel my parents looked a little smaller occupying less space on the sofa everything sounded hollow like the life had been sucked out of it i felt like lling it up changing the curtains adding things everywhere rearranging the furniture anything that would make it come back to life anything that would make it right

ive made your coffee, its in the microwave. heat it for one minute. breakfast is on the table. i had to nish some work in the morning and didnt want to wake you up. will be home in time for lunch. love, ma

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my mother looked so different. i felt like i hadnt seen her in years. i noticed the wrinkles on her face, the unusual crop of white hair on her temples. she looked smaller. her eyes a little more sunken. and then i remembered her dancing gracefully around the house. the keys jingling on her waist. had i done this to her?

: : : : :

cant you extend your stay? no. i have too much work cant someone else do it for you? thats not the way it works did you like the lunch i cooked? i made your favourites : yes

: : : : :

what do you want to eat for dinner? anything tell me what you want. i like everything you cook i know, but still. you are here for only a short while. so i want to cook something special : i like your simple food. dont waste time in the kitchen : its not a waste of time. im cooking for my daughter

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i stayed 3 full days at home. i didnt meet my old friends. i didnt go out. i liked being at home. it was a new feeling. and i wanted to enjoy it.

i had an empty feeling the day i had to leave home. like i had unnished business. i was leaving something behind. i had forgotten to pack something. i felt awkward sitting with my parents. waiting for the hour to pass before i had to take the cab. i wanted to say so many things. but i didnt. they were dgety too. watching the time. waiting for it to be over.

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: : : : : : :

have you got your ticket? yes. its in my bag is your ight on time? yes what will you do when you get home? sleep early i guess. its back to work tomorrow these 3 days have gone by so fast. feels like you just came : i know. i will try and come for longer next time : okay

they looked upset. i wish they would not look upset. they always made it so hard for me. all those decisions would have been so much easier if they had just accepted that this is what i needed to do. my friends parents took it in their stride. why couldnt mine do the same? they kept telling me that the house would seem empty. that maybe i should consider coming back. it would be nicer living at home. i would save more money. but i knew that i had to be strong. i had to go. and someday they would understand. someday they would be proud of me.

it was the rst time that i felt like crying.

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how does it feel to be on your own no direction home a complete unknown like a rolling stone - bob dylan

but i managed to control it. i didnt want ma to know how i felt.

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: : : : : : : : :

how was your ight? good have you reached home? im almost there the house feels empty without you i can imagine what will you eat? i ate on the ight okay go to sleep early

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i got back to a dark and empty house. the oor was dirty and the air smelled stale. i put the pastries in the fridge and unpacked my bag. my fairy lights were not working. the tube light glared brightly reminding me of reality. the holiday was over. i felt like going back home. but i wasnt sure what home was anymore.

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ma always says it doesnt matter where you start. what matters is where you end up

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tomorrow is another day.

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Thank you, sudhu: for patiently listening to me when this book was just a dinner table conversation. for pouring over various versions of the draft till it was completed. and most importantly, for your patience and encouragement. nanju: for being a part of the process. for being a tough critic and my best friend. shreya: for your infectious enthusiasm. Sutapa, Jacob, Aparna, Rhea, Keya, Mahi, Nupur, Shiba, Alyssa, Tisha, Binny, Ayeshe, Kunal, Manisha, Deepak uncle: for sharing, commenting, exclaiming and telling me your stories in return. it has helped me shape my thoughts and thus this book.

57/8 sometimes when I think back, maybe it was just easier to be answerable to my grandfather. or rather to be answerable to anyone but myself. In this debut novel, Samira Gupta explores what it is to grow up in an oppressive, patriarchal environment, where one mans word is law. With powerful black-and-white photographs, Gupta tells a story about a personal search for identity, faith and clarity in an environment where everything is provided for and yet nothing is given. Where three generations of women live, pray and laugh together, and yet will only fend for themselves. With humour and great insight, she paints a poignant picture of a girl trying to nd herself, veering between wanting space and not needing it, between self-doubt and resilient condence. Is the rambling 57/8 her home and safe haven, or a place that will splinter away all her individuality. Taking the reader through new roads and old lanes with perception, sensitivity, originality and wit, Samiras is an exciting new voice to watch out for.
Samira Gupta walks the tightrope between words and images with ease, elegance and a rare lightness of step. A bold step towards the future of story-telling. Sarnath Banerjee

about the author samira gupta was born in kolkata. she graduated with a degree in mass communication from mount carmel college (bangalore), after which she pursued her interest in visual communication with a degree in communication design from srishti school or art, design and technology (bangalore). she currently works and resides in delhi. her time is divided between her design studio (studio eksaat), writing and her four cats. One bedroom, hall and kitchen is her second book.