TOPIC:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students who keep their rooms neat and organized tend to be more successful than students who do not.

WORDS: 340 Original

TIME: 00:45:00

DATE: 2010/8/12 Revised

! 16:30:35

Benchmark 4 * Colors for revision: Red: grammatical errors, Blue: word usage, Green: style problem, Pink: erroneous argument, Purple: meanings unclear * Corrections will follow immediately in the yellow shade; * Comments will be indicated in brackets ([]).
We all are are all curious about secrets for to successful learning, but there is no a concrete and defined answer for it, and thus we start to make up many assumptions about factors for successful learning. One of the assumptions is that students who keep their rooms neat and organized will have high better achievements in learning. In my opinion, however, I think there is no relation between the students achievements and their rooms, because academic achievements are based on the time and efforts that students spend on as well as their motivations. Some opponents may argue that students who keep their rooms clear clean and arranged must have well-organized plans for studying. The truth nevertheless is, as my perspective, that keeping their room rooms neat and clean does not follow that they have nice plans for learning. In fact, it is highly possible that they devote their major part of time to clean cleaning their room, thus having less time to study. Were all curious about secrets to successful learning. Unable to find a definite answer, we start to make assumptions about how these students succeed in learning. One of the assumptions is that students who keep their rooms neat and organized have better achievements in learning. In my opinion, however, there is actually no relation between students academic achievements and the neatness of their rooms, because their professionalism is based not on these trivial matter but on their motivations and on the time and efforts they spend.

Some people may argue that students who keep their rooms tidy and organized will have good plans for studying. The truth nevertheless is that keeping their rooms orderly does not suggest anything about their academic performance or achievements. In fact, it is highly possible that they spend too much time cleaning their rooms, and hence less time for studies.

* Comments: You indeed point out the possible reasoning of your opponents. Your refutation, however, is weak.
Actually, one of the crucial factors for students successes is the time and efforts they spend on studying. As a famous Taiwanese inventor, Wang, said, there is no secret for my success, just working hard There is no exception for learning and studying. According to recent studying studies, conducted by National Taiwan Normal University, indicated that students who study every day get higher scores than those studying twice a week. Thus, time and efforts is the major factor for pupils

In fact, one of the crucial factors for students success is the time and efforts they spend on studying. A famous Taiwanese _____ (?) once said, There is no secret for my success. I just work harder than other people. And it is no exception when it comes to learning and studying. Recent studies conducted by National Taiwan Normal University indicate that students who study everyday

successes.

get higher scores than those studying only twice a week. Thus, time and efforts is the major factor for their success.

* Comments: When citing someone as evidence of support, you need to always cite their full name. Otherwise, it will be awkwardas you can hear it yourself: A Taiwanese inventor Wang once said . . . Wang who? Theres no way to tell. Also, you need to make sure the sentence you quote does not contain any mistake, or else it would seem as if youve made it up as proof of your claims. As for the latter part of this paragraph, you seem to rely on authorities. It is OK to quote from them but in order not to commit a logical fallacy, you need to be sure to elaborate and explicate what the authorities suggest or indicate after you cite them for support. Otherwise, your assertions will be easily refuted by someone else who also resorts to powerful figure for support.
In addition to the factor mentioned above, motivation is another fatal factor to decide students achievements. To be more specific, if learners are willing and enjoying in learning, they must study automatically. On the other hand, those who hate and refuse to study, they have countless excuses to reject studying. My sister is a good example, she always sick when she has to attend math class classes. No doubt No wonder she always does not well on math test tests.

In addition to the factor mentioned above, motivation is another key factor in deciding students achievements. To be more specific, if learners enjoy and are willing to study, they will do so automatically. By contrast, those who hate and refuse to study will have plenty of excuses not to do so. My sister can serve as a good example. She is always sick when she has to attend math classes. No wonder she always does badly on math tests.

* Comments: You seem to elaborate your argument by using transitions such as To be more specific, and On the other hand. But on closer inspection, there doesnt seem to be any evidence to back up your further argument. In other words, your elaboration on the argument is lousy. If learners enjoy and are willing to study . . . is not at all more specific than the previous sentence you just wrote. Nor does the sentence On the other hand . . . bring out anything new to further the line of reasoning. It is only another way of saying the things you mentioned in To be more specific . . . Also, you seem to be making more mistakes in word usage. Too many errors in one paragraph will only lead to lower level of scores.
In conclusion, keeping ones room neat and organized has nothing to do with being successful in learning, for the reason that hardworking and high motivation lead to students outstanding accomplishments. In conclusion, keeping ones room neat and organized has nothing to do with being successful in learning, because it is hardworking and high motivation that lead to students outstanding accomplishments.