You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants this toy, this candy, this something

-- and she wants it nooooow! The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum. In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based on the top social science research -- some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can avert all sorts of child behaviorproblems, he says. After all, what is the goal when you're dealing with children? To show who's boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child develop into a decent, self-confident human being? Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children from developinganxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse. "Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science," says Steinberg, who is a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific evidence for the principles he outlines "is very, very consistent," he tells WebMD. Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg says. Children should never be hit -- not even a slap on a toddler's bottom, he tells WebMD. "If your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him." Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School, couldn't agree more. She offered a few of her own insights. "Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline," she tells WebMD. A parent's relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child's actions -- including child behavior problems, Natale explains. "If you don't have a good relationship with your child, they're not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it's someone we just don't like, we will ignore their opinion." Steinberg's 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with children -- coach, teacher, babysitter, he says. The 10 Principles of Good Parenting 1. What you do matters. "This is one of the most important principles," Steinberg tells WebMD. "What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. Don't just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, 'What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?'" 2. You cannot be too loving. "It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love," he writes. "What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions." 3. Be involved in your child's life. "Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically." Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework -- or reading it over or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not," Steinberg tells WebMD. "If you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is learning." 4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child. Keep pace with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child's behavior. "The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained," writes Steinberg. "The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table."

For example: An eighth grader is easily distracted, irritable. His grades in school are suffering. He's argumentative. Should parents push him more, or should they be understanding so his self-esteem doesn't suffer? "With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things," Steinberg says. "He may be depressed. He could be getting too little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could be he simply needs some help in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a learning problem. Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be diagnosed by a professional." 5. Establish and set rules. "If you don't manage your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself." "But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg tells WebMD. "Once they're in middle school, you need let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene." 6. Foster your child's independence. "Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she's going to need both." It is normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. "Many parents mistakenly equate their child's independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else." 7. Be consistent. "If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it." Many parents have problems being consistent, Steinberg tells WebMD. "When parents aren't consistent, children get confused. You have to force yourself to be more consistent." 8. Avoid harsh discipline. Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children," he writes. "They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others." "There is a lot of evidence that spanking causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids," Steinberg tells WebMD. "There are many other ways to discipline a child, including 'time out,' which work better and do not involve aggression." 9. Explain your rules and decisions. "Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to," he writes. "Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn't have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have." An example: A 6-year-old is very active and very smart -- but blurts out answers in class, doesn't give other kids a chance, and talks too much in class. His teacher needs to address the child behavior problem. He needs to talk to the child about it, says Steinberg. "Parents might want to meet with the teacher and develop a joint strategy. That child needs to learn to give other children a chance to answer questions." 10. Treat your child with respect. "The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully," Steinberg writes. "You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others." For example, if your child is a picky eater: "I personally don't think parents should make a big deal about eating," Steinberg tells WebMD. "Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in stages. You don't want turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don't make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don't keep junk food in the house, they won't eat it."

Likewise, the checkout line tantrum can be avoided, says Natale. "Children respond very well to structure. You can't go shopping without preparing them for it. Tell them, 'We will be there 45 minutes. Mommy needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don't prepare them, they will get bored, tired, upset by the crowds of people." "Parents forget to consider the child, to respect the child," Natale tells WebMD. "You work on your relationships with other adults, your friendships, your marriage, dating. But what about your relationship with your child? If you have a good relationship, and you're really in tune with your child, that's what really matters. Then none of this will be an issue."

authoritarian style of parenting involves strict rules and high expectations of children. Parents who use this style of parenting do not explain their expectations or rules to their children, but they expect them to follow the rules without question. When children break the rules, authoritarian parents resort to corporal punishment (spanking, hitting). Children are not allowed to express themselves and the parents are not affectionate or accepting.

The authoritative style of parenting also requires that children follow strict rules. However, parents who employ this style of parenting allow their children to express themselves and they explain the logic behind the rules they have set. This form of parenting focuses on children. Authoritative parents expect their children to act their age, to control their emotions and to learn independence. When children are punished by parents practicing this parenting style, the reason for the punishment is explained to them. Children in authoritative homes are nurtured by affectionate parents who allow them enough freedom to explore life.

Permissive parenting requires few demands from children. The parents have few rules or expectations. If the children do something wrong, the permissive parent may not punish them. This type of parent is nurturing and affectionate and allows children to express themselves freely. Permissive parents are accepting of emotional outbursts and impulsively.

The uninvolved parent demands little from his or her children and only provides the required basics (food, clothing, and housing). Uninvolved parenting is a hands-off style of parenting that does not involve discipline, affection or redirection of bad behavior. The children's emotional needs are largely ignored. Learn the outcomes of each parenting style.

Authoritarian style: Children are obedient and respect authority. They also have trouble learning to think for themselves and becoming independent. They may grow up to have problems with low self esteem and follow the directives given by others without question. The authoritarian style of parenting is considered the most restrictive and least-wanted style of parenting.

Authoritative style: These children have a high sense of their self worth and believe in themselves. They are independent, well-mannered, and emotionally stable. They are respectful of authority and able to develop relationships with a broad spectrum of people. The authoritative style of parenting is the best recommended style of parenting.

Permissive parenting: The children enjoy a great deal of freedom and independence. They are also rude, selfish, spoiled, impulsive and have a limited understanding of the difference between right and wrong. Children of permissive parents may grow into adults with substance abuse and legal problems. This is an unacceptable style of parenting.

Uninvolved parenting: These children may attempt to parent themselves and their siblings. They are often withdrawn, delinquent from school and have little confidence in themselves. This is the worst style of parenting. Determine which parenting style your parents used:

With knowledge of the 4 parenting styles, you can determine how you were raised by your parents. If you agree with their parenting style, then that may be the style you choose. If you disagree with their parenting style, then you can make a different choice. You may also decide to consult friends or other relatives whose style of parenting appeals to you.

Remember that different children have different personalities, and if you parent all your children exactly the same, some will turn out okay, but others won't.

How can parents avoid the dinnertime battle with their children?
Comment on thisShare Your Story Still, there are some gentle ways parents can nudge their kids toward more healthful eating habits. Here are a few thoughts from nationally knownnutrition experts on how to get kids to go from being picky eaters to people with sound, varied diets:

Avoid a mealtime power struggle. One of the surest ways to win the battle but lose the war is to engage in a power struggle with your child over food, says Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE, author of The Parent's Toolshop. With power struggles, you're saying, "Do it because I'm the parent" and that's a rationale that won't work for long, she says. But if your child understands the why behind the rules, those values can lay the groundwork for a lifetime of sound food choices. Let kids participate. Get a stepstool and ask your kids to lend a hand with easy tasks in the kitchen, says Sal Severe, PhD, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too. "If they participate in helping to make the meal, they are more likely to want to try it," he says.

Older children and teens can begin to prepare special meals or dishes by themselves. Get teens started learning to prepare healthy foods before it's time to live on their own. Don't label. Severe reminds parents that, more often than not, kids under 5 are going to be selective eaters. "Being selective is actually normal," says Elizabeth Ward, MS, RD. She prefers the term "limited eater" to the more negative term "picky." Build on the positives. "When I sit down with parents, we'll often find that their child actually does eat two or three things from each food group," says Ward. Just as children can get comfort from reading the same story over and over, they enjoy having a set of "predictable" foods. "Even though they aren't getting a wide variety of foods, they are actually doing OK nutritionally," says Ward. When the child goes through a growth spurt and has a bigger appetite, use that opportunity to introduce new foods, she recommends. Expose, expose, expose. Ward says a child needs to be exposed to a new food 10 to 15 times before he or she will accept it. But many parents give up long before that. So, even if your child only plays with the strawberry on her plate, don't give up. One day, she just may surprise you by taking a bite. But don't go overboard, says Severe. Limit exposure to one or two new foods a week. Don't bribe. Avoid using sweets as a bribe to get kids to eat something else, says Pawel. That can send the message that doing the right thing should involve an external reward as well as reinforces the pattern that eating unhealthy foods is a good way to reward yourself . The real reward of sound nutrition is a healthy body, not a chocolate cupcake. Beware of oversnacking. Sometimes the problem isn't that the child doesn't like new foods but that they are already full, says Ward. "Kids can consume a lot of their calories as milk and juice." Encourage the kids to drink water rather than juice when they're thirsty. You can also create flavored waters by adding a splash of their favorite juice to sparkling or still water. The same goes for snacks that provide little more than calories, such as chips, sweets, and sodas. "If you are going to offer snacks, make sure they are supplementing meals, not sabotaging them," she says. Establish limits. Having a set of bottom-line limits can help a parent provide some consistency, says Pawel. For example, parents may require that kids eat nutritious foods before snack food. Or that they must at least try a new food before rejecting it. "Consistency only works if what you are doing in the first place is reasonable," she says. So, avoid overly controlling or overly permissive eating rules. If bottom-line limits are healthy, effective, and balanced, they'll pay off. Examine your role model. Make sure you aren't asking kids to "do as I say, not as I do," says Pawel. If your own diet is based mainly on fat, sugar, and salt, you can hardly expect your child to embrace a dinner salad over French fries. Defuse mealtimes. Don't make your child's eating habits part of the mealtime discussion, says Ward. Otherwise every meal becomes a stressful event, centered on what the child does and does not eat. Ward suggests that parents reserve talks about the importance of good eating for later, perhaps at bedtime or story time. Give it time. "I find that children become much more open to trying new foods after the age of 5," says Ward. "Most of the time, kids will simply grow out of limited eating."

How can parents fit in family fitness?

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Children need at least an hour of moderate to strenuous physical activity every day to stay healthy, according to experts. But many kids just aren't getting that much exercise. And most groups are unanimous on the prime culprit: sedentary entertainment, meaning the temptations of the TV, computer, and video games. So, your first step toward encouraging a healthy level of physical exercise should be to limit your children's TV and screen time. Beyond that, here are some tips from the experts on how to help your children (and yourself) stay active:

Make an exercise schedule. Exercise doesn't have to involve a rigid routine. But it's a good idea to schedule a regular time for exercise each day. You and your kids will be more likely to get up and get moving if you've set aside a specific time for physical activity. Many parents find that participation in after-school sports brings some needed relaxation and socialization time as well as fulfills the physical fitness requirement. Support physical-education programs in the schools, which may be reduced or receive less emphasis in some school systems. Communicate to your child's teachers and administrators your belief that physical education (PE) is an important part of the curriculum. Plan your vacations, weekends, and days off around fitness fun. Plan a bike ride, take an invigorating hike along nature trails, or pack a picnic lunch and head for the park for a family game of Frisbee. Make use of community resources. When it comes to finding fitnessopportunities, take advantage of what your community has to offer. Join the local YMCA or sign up for tennis or other lessons through your Parks and Recreation Department. Look for water aerobics classes and golf lessons at local swimming pools and golf courses. Get the whole neighborhood involved. Organize neighborhood fitness activities for children and their parents. Softball games, soccer matches, and jump-rope contests are fun for kids and adults. Dance! Children of all ages love to dance. Crank up the music, show your kids the dances that were popular when you were a teen, and let them teach you their favorite dance moves. Expose your child to a variety of physical fitness activities and sports. Your child will likely find the combination of activities or sports that are most enjoyable for him or her and will not become bored of one activity. Let your kids take turns being the fitness director for your family. They'll have more fun when they're allowed to choose the activity, and they'll enjoy putting their parents and siblings through their paces.

You've survived 9 months of pregnancy. You've made it through the excitement of labor and delivery, and now you're ready to head home and begin life with your baby. Once home, though, you frantically realize you have no idea what you're doing!

Brushing up on these tips can help first-time parents feel confident about caring for a newborn in no time.

Getting Help After the Birth

Consider recruiting help from friends and family to get through this time, which can be very hectic and overwhelming. While in the hospital, use the expertise around you. Many hospitals have feeding specialists or lactation consultants who can help you get started nursing or bottle-feeding. In addition, nurses are a great resource to show you how to hold, burp, change, and care for your baby. For in-home help, you might want to hire a baby nurse or a responsible neighborhood teenager to help you for a short time after the birth. Your doctor or the hospital can be good resources for finding information about in-home help, and might even be able to make a referral to home health agencies.

In addition, relatives and friends often want to help. Even if you disagree on certain things, don't dismiss their experience. But if you don't feel up to having guests or you have other concerns, don't feel guilty about placing restrictions on visitors.

Handling a Newborn
If you haven't spent a lot of time around newborns, their fragility may be intimidating. Here are a few basics to remember:

Wash your hands (or use a hand sanitizer) before handling your newborn. Young babies have not built up a strong immune system yet, so they are susceptible to infection. Make sure that everyone who handles your baby also has clean hands.

Be careful to support your baby's head and neck. Cradle the head when carrying your baby and support the head when carrying the baby upright or when you lay him or her down. Be careful not to shake your newborn, whether in play or in frustration. Shaking that is vigorous can cause bleeding in the brain and even death. If you need to wake your infant, don't do it by shaking instead, tickle your baby's feet or blow gently on a cheek.

Make sure your baby is securely fastened into the carrier, stroller, or car seat. Limit any activity that could be too rough or bouncy. Remember that your newborn is not ready for rough play, such as being jiggled on the knee or thrown in the air.

Bonding and Soothing Techniques

Bonding, probably one of the most pleasurable aspects of infant care, occurs during the sensitive time in the first hours and days after birth when parents make a deep connection with their infant. Physical closeness can promote an emotional connection.

For infants, the attachment contributes to their emotional growth, which also affects their development in other areas, such as physical growth. Another way to think of bonding is "falling in love" with your baby. Children thrive from having a parent or other adult in their life who loves them unconditionally.

Begin bonding by cradling your baby and gently stroking him or her in different patterns. Both you and your partner can also take the opportunity to be "skin-to-skin," holding your newborn against your own skin while feeding or cradling.

Babies, especially premature babies and those with medical problems, may respond to infant massage. Certain types of massage may enhance bonding and help with infant growth and development. Many books and videos cover infant massage ask your doctor for recommendations. Be careful, however babies are not as strong as adults, so massage your baby gently. Babies usually love vocal sounds, such as talking, babbling, singing, and cooing. Your baby will probably also love listening to music. Baby rattles and musical mobiles are other good ways to stimulate your infant's hearing. If your little one is being fussy, try singing, reciting poetry and nursery rhymes, or reading aloud as you sway or rock your baby gently in a chair.

Some babies can be unusually sensitive to touch, light, or sound, and might startle and cry easily, sleep less than expected, or turn their faces away when someone speaks or sings to them. If that's the case with your baby, keep noise and light levels low to moderate.

Swaddling, which works well for some babies during their first few weeks, is another soothing technique first-time parents should learn. Proper swaddling keeps a baby's arms close to the body while allowing for some movement of the legs. Not only does swaddling keep a baby warm, but it seems to give most newborns a sense of security and comfort. Swaddling may also help limit the startle reflex, which can wake a baby.

Here's how to swaddle a baby:

Spread out the receiving blanket, with one corner folded over slightly.

Lay the baby face-up on the blanket with his or her head above the folded corner.

Wrap the left corner over the body and tuck it beneath the back of the baby, going under the right arm.

Bring the bottom corner up over the baby's feet and pull it toward the head, folding the fabric down if it gets close to the face. Be sure not to wrap too tightly around the hips. Hips and

knees should be slightly bent and turned out. Wrapping your baby too tightly may increase the chance of hip dysplasia.

Wrap the right corner around the baby, and tuck it under the baby's back on the left side, leaving only the neck and head exposed. To make sure your baby is not wrapped too tight, make sure you can slip a hand between the blanket and your babys chest, which will allow for him or her to breathe comfortably. Make sure, however, that the blanket is not so loose that it could become undone.

Babies should not be swaddled after they're 2 months old. At this age, babies might be able to roll over while swaddled, which increases their risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

Diapering Dos and Don'ts

You'll probably decide before you bring your baby home whether you'll use cloth or disposable diapers. Whichever you use, the baby will dirty diapers about 10 times a day, or about 70 times a week.

Before diapering your baby, make sure you have all supplies within reach so you won't have to leave your little one unattended on the changing table. You'll need:

a clean diaper fasteners (if cloth prefold diapers are used) diaper ointment if the baby has a rash a container of warm water clean washcloth, diaper wipes, or cotton balls

After each bowel movement or if the diaper is wet, lay your baby on his or her back and remove the dirty diaper. Use the water, cotton balls, and washcloth or the wipes to gently wipe your baby's genital area clean. When removing a boy's diaper, do so carefully because exposure to the air may make him urinate. When wiping a girl, wipe her bottom from front to back to avoid aurinary tract infection. To prevent or heal a rash, apply ointment. Always remember to wash your hands thoroughly after changing a diaper. Diaper rash is a common concern. Typically the rash is red and bumpy and will go away in a few days with warm baths, some diaper cream, and a little time out of the diaper. Most rashes occur because the baby's skin is sensitive and becomes irritated by the wet or poopy diaper. To prevent or heal diaper rash, try these tips:

Change your baby's diaper frequently, and as soon as possible after bowel movements.

After cleaning the area with mild soap and water or a wipe, apply a diaper rash or "barrier" cream. Creams with zinc oxide are preferable because they form a barrier against moisture.

If you use cloth diapers, wash them in dye- and fragrance-free detergents.

Let the baby go undiapered for part of the day. This gives the skin a chance to air out.

If the diaper rash continues for more than 3 days or seems to be getting worse, call your doctor it may be caused by a fungal infection that requires a prescription.

Bathing Basics
You should give your baby a sponge bath until:

the umbilical cord falls off (1-4 weeks) the circumcision heals (1-2 weeks) the naval heals completely (1-4 weeks)

A bath two or three times a week in the first year is sufficient. More frequent bathing may be drying to the skin.

You'll need the following items before bathing your baby:

a soft, clean washcloth mild, unscented baby soap and shampoo a soft brush to stimulate the baby's scalp towels or blankets an infant tub with 2 to 3 inches of warm not hot! water (to test the water temperature, feel the water with the inside of your elbow or wrist). An infant tub is a plastic tub that can fit in the bathtub; it's a better size for babies and makes bathing easier to manage.

a clean diaper clean clothes

Sponge baths. For a sponge bath, pick a warm room and a flat surface, such as a changing table, floor, or counter. Undress your baby. Wipe your infant's eyes with a washcloth dampened with water only, starting with one eye and wiping from the inner corner to the outer corner. Use a clean corner of the washcloth to wash the other eye. Clean your baby's nose and ears with the washcloth. Then wet the cloth again and, using a little soap, wash his or her face gently and pat it dry. Next, using baby shampoo, create a lather and gently wash your baby's head and rinse. Using a wet cloth and soap, gently wash the rest of the baby, paying special attention to creases under the arms, behind the ears, around the neck, and in the genital area. Once you have washed those areas, make sure they are dry and then diaper and dress your baby.

Tub baths. When your baby is ready for tub baths, the first baths should be gentle and brief. If he or she becomes upset, go back to sponge baths for a week or two, then try the bath again.

Undress your baby and then place him or her in the water immediately, in a warm room, to prevent chills. Make sure the water in the tub is no more than 2 to 3 inches deep, and that the water is no longer running in the tub. Use one of your hands to support the head and the other hand to guide the baby in feet-first. Speaking gently, slowly lower your baby up to the chest into the tub.

Use a washcloth to wash his or her face and hair. Gently massage your baby's scalp with the pads of your fingers or a soft baby hairbrush, including the area over the fontanelles (soft spots) on the top of the head. When you rinse the soap or shampoo from your baby's head, cup your hand across the forehead so the suds run toward the sides and soap doesn't get into the eyes. Gently wash the rest of your baby's body with water and a small amount of soap.

Throughout the bath, regularly pour water gently over your baby's body so he or she doesn't get cold. After the bath, wrap your baby in a towel immediately, making sure to cover his or her head. Baby towels with hoods are great for keeping a freshly washed baby warm.

While bathing your infant, never leave the baby alone. If you need to leave the bathroom, wrap the baby in a towel and take him or her with you.

Circumcision and Umbilical Cord Care

Immediately after circumcision, the tip of the penis is usually covered with gauze coated with petroleum jelly to keep the wound from sticking to the diaper. Gently wipe the tip clean with warm water after a diaper change, then apply petroleum jelly to the tip so it doesn't stick to the diaper. Redness or irritation of the penis should heal within a few days, but if the redness or swelling increases or if pus-filled blisters form, infection may be present and you should call your baby's doctor immediately. Umbilical cord care in newborns is also important. Some doctors suggest swabbing the area with rubbing alcohol until the cord stump dries up and falls off, usually in 10 days to 3 weeks, but others recommend leaving the area alone. Talk to your child's doctor to see what he or she prefers.

An infant's navel area shouldn't be submerged in water until the cord stump falls off and the area is healed. Until it falls off, the cord stump will change color from yellow to brown or black this is normal. Consult your doctor if the navel area becomes reddened or if a foul odor or discharge develops.

Feeding and Burping Your Baby

Whether feeding your newborn by breast or a bottle, you may be stumped as to how often to do so. Generally, it's recommended that babies be fed on demand whenever they seem hungry. Your baby may cue you by crying, putting fingers in his or her mouth, or making sucking noises. A newborn baby needs to be fed every 2 to 3 hours. If you're breastfeeding, give your baby the chance to nurse about 10-15 minutes at each breast. If you're formula-feeding, your baby will most likely take about 2-3 ounces (60-90 milliliters) at each feeding.

Some newborns may need to be awakened every few hours to make sure they get enough to eat. Call your baby's doctor if you need to awaken your newborn frequently or if your baby doesn't seem interested in eating or sucking.

If you're formula-feeding, you can easily monitor if your baby is getting enough to eat, but if you're breastfeeding, it can be a little trickier. If your baby seems satisfied, produces about six wet diapers and several stools a day, sleeps well, and is gaining weight regularly, then he or she is probably eating enough.

Another good way to tell if your baby is getting milk is to notice if your breasts feel full before feeding your baby and less full after feeding. Talk to your doctor if you have concerns about your child's growth or feeding schedule. Babies often swallow air during feedings, which can make them fussy. You can prevent this by burping your baby frequently. Try burping your baby every 2 to 3 ounces (60-90 milliliters) if you bottle-feed, and each time you switch breasts if you breastfeed.

If your baby tends to be gassy, has gastroesophageal reflux, or seems fussy during feeding, try burping your little one every ounce during bottle-feeding or every 5 minutes during breastfeeding. Try these burping strategies:

Hold your baby upright with his or her head on your shoulder. Support your baby's head and back while gently patting the back with your other hand.

Sit your baby on your lap. Support your baby's chest and head with one hand by cradling your baby's chin in the palm of your hand and resting the heel of your hand on your baby's chest (be careful to grip your baby's chin not throat). Use the other hand to gently pat your baby's back.

Lay your baby face-down on your lap. Support your baby's head, making sure it's higher than his or her chest, and gently pat or rub his or her back.

If your baby doesn't burp after a few minutes, change the baby's position and try burping for another few minutes before feeding again. Always burp your baby when feeding time is over, then keep him or her in an upright position for at least 10-15 minutes to avoid spitting up.

Sleeping Basics
As a new parent, you may be surprised to learn that your newborn, who seems to need you every minute of the day, actually sleeps about 16 hours or more! Newborns typically sleep for periods of 2-4 hours. Don't expect yours to sleep through the night the digestive system of babies is so small that they need nourishment every few hours and should be awakened if they haven't been fed for 4 hours (or more frequently if your doctor is concerned about weight gain). When can you expect your baby to sleep through the night? Many babies sleep through the night (between 6-8 hours) at 3 months of age, but if yours doesn't, it's not a cause for concern. Like adults, babies must develop their own sleep patterns and cycles, so if your newborn is gaining weight and appears healthy, don't despair if he or she hasn't slept through the night at 3 months.

It's important to place babies on their backs to sleep to reduce the risk of SIDS. In addition, remove all fluffy bedding, quilts, sheepskins, stuffed animals, and pillows from the crib to ensure that your baby doesn't get tangled in them or suffocate. Also be sure to alternate the position of your baby's head from night to night (first right, then left, and so on) to prevent the development of a flat spot on one side of the head. Many newborns have their days and nights "mixed up." They tend to be more awake and alert at night, more sleepy during the day. One way to help them is to keep the stimulation at night to a minimum. Keep the lights low, such as by using a nightlight. Reserve talking and playing with your baby for the daytime. When your baby wakes up during the day try to keep him or her awake a little longer by talking and playing.

Even though you may feel anxious about handling a newborn, in a few short weeks you'll develop a routine and be parenting like a pro! If you have questions or concerns, ask your doctor to recommend resources that can help you and your baby grow together.

My 18-month-old isn't talking as much as her brother did at this age. Should I:
YOUR ANSWER: Give her a few months CORRECT ANSWER: Just get it checked out If you're concerned, just get her checked out by your pediatrician. The average toddler can say between 15 and 20 words by about 18 months. You should be OK if: Your child understands what you say to her and follows directions (Like "bring your shoes to Mommy"); interacts with others; and is otherwise developing normally. She may just be a late-talker, and most late-talkers catch up to their chatterbox peers by the time they're in grade school.

How long should it take to potty train?

YOUR ANSWER: Six weeks If your child is ready to use the toilet, it usually takes about six weeks from first introducing the potty to the time she's going on her own and staying dry most of the time. Even after your child is staying dry during the day, it can be months and even years before your child can make it through the night. Although potty training is a big milestone -- and one much anticipated by parents! -- you'll want to be sure your toddler is ready. Forcing toilet training on a child who is really resisting can backfire. Instead, try to make potty time fun (read stories, sing songs). Offer non-food rewards like stickers or trips to the park. And don't make your child stay on the toilet if she doesn't want to.

My baby potty-trained at 15 months! She's a genius, right?

YOUR ANSWER: I'm sure she's brilliant, but ... On average, kids in the United States are toilet trained between 2 and 3 years old. And -- sorry! -- there's no relationship between when a child is potty trained and how smart she is. How will you know when she's ready for potty training? Here are two signs: If she can sit still long enough to go -between three and five minutes. And if she's interested in watching YOU go to the toilet.

How often should my toddler poop?

YOUR ANSWER: It varies Some little ones have a bowel movement right after dinner or right before bed, like clockwork. Others' poop habits are less predictable. Most of the time it's not a problem. When to worry? If there are major changes, such as much more frequent pooping, painful stools, blood in the stools, or ongoing diarrhea, check with your doctor.

My child is hitting and biting. Should I be worried?

YOUR ANSWER: No Aggressive behavior is common as young children learn the rules of the world around them. The immediate fix? You may have to remove her from some situations. To help her become less aggressive over time: Model gentle behavior by showing her "nice touches." Praise her "grown-up" behavior when she uses her words rather than hitting, kicking, or biting. To prevent meltdowns, plan naps or snacks before play dates to make sure she's feeling her best.

My toddler loves Elmo. How much TV should he be watching a day?

YOUR ANSWER: None The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under age 2 watch no TV at all. Why? This is a critical time for your child's brain development. TV can get in the way of other, more important learning activities - like active play, socializing, and physical activity. Worried that your toddler is getting too much tube time? Cut back one step at a time. Try turning the TV off during meals. Keep TVs and computers out of bedrooms. Make a "No TV on weekdays" rule for the whole family.

Every night is a fight at bedtime. What should I do?

YOUR ANSWER: Keep a consistent bedtime routine Many toddlers fight bedtime -- often they just want to be where you are. Don't cut his nap to wear him out. Most kids this age still need an afternoon nap. Cutting it can make him cranky or too wired at bedtime because he's overtired. Instead, stick with a consistent, relaxing bedtime routine every night. Give him a comfort object like a blanket or stuffed toy and read him a book. Does he need extra reassurance? Try a night-light or leave the door cracked.

On play dates, my toddler mostly plays next to kids his age, not with them. Is anything wrong?
YOUR ANSWER: No Younger toddlers do mostly play "next to" each other rather than with each other. But don't give up on those play dates. Early play is important. It helps kids learn to make friends. Make play dates toddler-friendly by:

Keeping them short (less than an hour is good) Keeping them one-on-one Putting away special toys that might cause battles

My child will NOT eat vegetables. Is it OK to let him live on chicken nuggets for a while?

YOUR ANSWER: No, but don't lose hope Nuggets won't work forever because they can make him gain unhealthy weight and he'll miss out on important nutrients. But keep the faith. Picky eating is VERY common at this age. No need to worry that he'll never eat vegetables. Don't "force" him to eat anything. That could make him hate a food for life. Instead, keep offering lots of interesting, safe, and healthy food choices, including foods he can feed himself. He may shock you one day when he goes for the broccoli. If youre concerned hes not getting enough nutrients, talk with your pediatrician.

When should I take the pacifier away?

YOUR ANSWER: When he's 1 Pacifiers are actually good for infants. But pediatricians say you should wean your child off his binky when he's about 6 months old. That cuts his risk of getting an ear infection. If he goes past 2 years old, it can cause permanent problems with his teeth. Try piercing the hole or cutting the tip to make sucking less satisfying. Or tell your child that hes a big kid now and that when big kids give up their pacies, they go to new babies who need them. Make a big show of it.

My child hates it and cries when I leave her at day care. What should I do?
YOUR ANSWER: Give her a quick kiss and hug. Promise to come back. Your toddler's been doing fine, and all of a sudden she wails when you go to leave. It's common for separation anxiety to rear its head again at about 18 months. Truth is, you may be more upset by her farewell fussing than she is. Want to know a secret? Most toddlers calm down within a few minutes after their parent leaves. Make a fast good-bye and promise her you'll be back to pick her up.

My 15-month-old sometimes bangs his head against the side of his crib. Should I be worried?
YOUR ANSWER: No It may seem scary, but many toddlers bang their heads to comfort or stimulate themselves, or to release frustration. Don't let it worry you too much. On the other hand, if the head banging goes along with social problems -- for example, if your child rarely looks directly at you and doesn't seem to want to play with you -- or if it's been going on for a long time, there may be cause for concern. Check with your pediatrician.

Soothe a child who keeps getting out of bed by:

YOUR ANSWER: Walking him back to his room. A sippy cup of water by your childs bed is OK, but not milk or juice, says the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry. Sugars naturally found in these drinks can pool around your sleeping childs teeth and cause cavities.

What your toddler really needs to help him settle in for sleep is a soothing bedtime ritual like the 4 Bs: Bath, Brush (teeth), Book, and Bed. If hes fallen into a different routine -- one that involves getting up after lights out -calmly walk him back to his room and tuck him in. Don't lecture or talk on the way back to bed -- that only reinforces his behavior by giving him attention. You might have to do this multiple times. Be strong, silent, repeat, and eventually it will stick.

To calm your antsy child in the doctors waiting room you're most likely to:
YOUR ANSWER: Read books together Doing something is a healthier way to fight boredom than eating something. Try entertaining him with books or toys to prevent a tantrum. When you dole out snacks to calm your antsy child and prevent a tantrum, you teach him that food is an OK substitute for mental or physical stimulation. This association can stick with him for life. Instead, think of snacks as mini-meals, not treats. Serve them at regularly scheduled times of the day (like right after naptime) and have your toddler sit at a table when he eats. Offer snacks that provide a healthy balance of protein, fat, and carbohydrates. Try small apple slices with a little bit of peanut butter or whole-wheat crackers and low-fat cheese.

It's best to deal with a grocery store meltdown by:

YOUR ANSWER: Distracting her with some raisins CORRECT ANSWER: Calmly letting her know her behavior is inappropriate and letting her cry When a meltdown starts, first take a deep breath to calm yourself. You need to be calm to calm your child. Then, get her attention by looking directly into her eyes. While using a calm, quiet voice acknowledge her feelings, "I know you are mad." Then tell her the behavior you expect of her, "I need you to stop crying." Meltdowns happen with all toddlers. Stand your ground. When you cave in to a meltdown, you teach your child that throwing a tantrum is an effective way to get what she wants. Sometimes when your child can't get self-control, you may have to leave the store and come back later. Do your best to ensure smoother shopping trips by planning wisely. Head to the store with a well-fed, well-rested child. Go right after naptime and after your childs had a healthy snack.

Naptime was supposed to start a long time ago, but there are more errands to run:
YOUR ANSWER: Squeeze them in. He hasnt melted down yet! CORRECT ANSWER: Head home. Toddler tantrums are no fun. Exhaustion is one of the main reasons that toddlers throw tantrums. Overstimulation is another. So its not a good idea to thrust a worn-out toddler into a bright, noisy environment to check off the last few items on your to-do list. Youll both be better off -- and less stressed -- if you keep to a naptime schedule and finish your errands later when your kid is well-rested and happy.

When your child seems more clingy than usual:

YOUR ANSWER: Put down the laundry and give her your attention It's not easy being a parent -- feeding your family, keeping up with work, managing the household. But keep in mind that toddlers need just minutes -- not hours -- of your undivided time. Children this age have a pattern of playing by themselves, showing you what theyre up to, and then playing again. Studies show that toddlers check in with their parents about seven times an hour. While that may sound like a lot, they typically only want 30 to 60 seconds of your time. Acknowledge and play for a while with your child, and then let her go back to playing on her own.

Your child is sad because his brother is away on a play date:

YOUR ANSWER: Use the time to do something fun together Playing with your child is better is much better for your child's mental and physical development than trying to fix his feelings by distracting him with TV. As a guideline, toddlers should watch less than two hours of TV a day. Kids younger than 2 years old shouldn't watch any, says the American Academy of Pediatrics. Research shows that a child's risk of being overweight increases with every extra hour spent in front of the TV. One study found that tots who watch too much TV consume nearly 10% more soft drinks and snacks by the time they're in grade school. So if your child is watching more than two hours of TV a day (between school, home, and daycare

combined) or you just want to cut back -- try playing one-on-one with him. Play encourages him to be active, not sedentary.

Encourage your child to use the potty by:

YOUR ANSWER: Praising her for being a big girl Sweets may work to motivate your child, but rewarding a child's behavior with food is unhealthy. She'll start to think that being good equals getting goodies. This is true whether the prize is food or a toy. Toddlers respond equally well to verbal praise ("Yay! What a big girl you are!") and social rewards ("You haven't had an accident all day -- so were going to the park!"). Words and actions like these will have a bigger effect on your childs behavior and self-esteem in the long-run than a handful of sweets. Spending time playing with your child is the best reward you can give her.

Distract a child from the pain of getting shots with:

YOUR ANSWER: Both CORRECT ANSWER: A silly song Juice may seem like a good option. But research shows that distraction -- singing, talking, telling a joke, or having a child look at an interesting object -- works well, too. That way your child wont come to rely on being soothed by the taste of sugar.

egardless of whether labor is long or short, whether it is hard or easy whether a baby is born vaginally or by cesarean, most parents recall the first hours and days after birth as crystal-clear images surrounded by haze. It is in this haze that you first take in your baby and make a giant leap from pregnancy to parenting. Despite all the anticipatory parenting done before conception and during pregnancy, despite weeks of feeling movement within and fantasizing about your baby, despite months of having strange dreams, worrisome thoughts, and musings about what kind of parent you will be, the first time you hold your baby in your arms and call yourself mother or father, mama or papa, mommy or daddy, an awareness floods over you that life will never be the same again. Another human being is now dependent upon you for survival. More than anything else, you want to be the best parent possible. Your awareness of your babys dependency and your desire to be a good parent will together be a great source of energy and a great source of stress. Both are part of being a parent. Becoming a good parent means much more than knowing a lot about babies. Ask pediatric doctors or nurses what it was like for them to be new parents. They will tell you that all their knowledge about babies was not enough to keep them from being over whelmed by their own babies. All new parents feel the same way. All new parents work at knowing, understanding, and loving their babies. Your baby will work just as hard at learning to know, understand, and love you. This is the process of attachment-the work that parents and babies do together to form a deep and lasting love. It is what becoming a family is all about. This book is written to give you some help as you make the transition from pregnancy to parenting. It offers ideas on things you can do to make this time of change easier. It is written as much to encourage as to teach you. Besides providing the information you need about taking care of yourself and your baby, it can help build your confidence in your own wisdom about your familys needs. You will find the postpartum period easier if you know what to expect during this time, if you actively participate in health-care decisions, and if you build a network of support that nurtures your growing family. New families in the United States face some challenges that families in most other countries do not. In the United States, where nearly 99 percent of women give birth in hospitals, the average hospital stay after childbirth is two days for a woman who has given birth vaginally, three to four days for a woman who has given birth by cesarean. In many communities, new families are discharged from the hospital within twenty-four hours of birth. Such early discharge will probably become the norm by the year 2000.

In most other countries, both industrialized and developing, the postpartum period is seen as being at least as important as the prenatal period. Because of this, women giving birth in hospitals have longer stays. More importantly, services are brought to the homes of new families. No matter how long the stay in a hospital or birth center, the familys transition to home-and to sole responsibility for the newborn-is overwhelming. in many countries all new families are visited at home by midwives, nurses, or other trained personnel who teach parenting skills, assess the mothers and babys health, and provide moral support (and some times, as in the Netherlands, government-paid helpers do the housekeeping!). In the United States, such services are now provided to only a small minority of women.

Other Changes You May Notice.

The day after birth, you may ache all over from the work you did in labor. Your arms and legs may be sore from pulling back on your legs while pushing out the baby. Although achy legs are normal, tenderness, pain, or warmth in your calves and swollen or reddened veins are warning signs that you should report to your doctor or midwife immediately. These signs could indicate thrombophlehitis, an inflammation of a vein that can result in formation of a blood clot. Postpartum women are at slightly increased risk of this because the vein walls normally relax somewhat in pregnancy. To reduce the risk of thrombophlebitis, increase circulation in your legs by doing foot rotations and by getting up and walking soon after birth. Thrombophlebitis is treated with bed rest, elevation of the affected leg, hot packs, and the use of elastic stockings. Medications may also be needed to prevent infection and clot formation. The affected leg should not be massaged. Joints that relaxed in pregnancy to allow for the babys growth and birth will return to their pre -pregnancy condition within several weeks of birth. Many women, however, feel that the rib cage and pelvis remain slightly expanded for the rest of their lives. Abdominal muscles are relaxed after birth, so the abdomen is soft and still rounded. All women have some degree of separation of the abdominal muscles, which lessens with exercise. Any stretch marks you have will seem more obvious after birth than before. Although stretch marks never completely disappear, they fade to silvery white lines in the months after childbirth. Darkened areas of the skin, such as the areola and the linea nigra, a dark line from the belly button to pubic bone, may tighten but may not completely fade. Many women note changes in their hair after birth-most commonly, profuse hair loss. This is because pregnancy hormones stimulate hair growth. With the drop in these hormones, the extra hair that grew in pregnancy will fall out. This begins around three months after birth and usually ends within a couple of months. Perhaps the most common feeling of new mothers after childbirth is that of being bone-tired. This seems especially true of women who have just had their first babies. Often, fatigue is combined with such excitement in the first days that sleep is difficult. The usual aches and pains of the early postpartum period can make it even harder to sleep. But beyond the first few days after birth, most women find daily naps are essential to their wellbeing.

Caring for Yourself after a Cesarean.

Each woman recovers in her own unique way after cesarean birth, just as after vaginal birth. Pain medications can help during the first few days (the medications given are considered safe during breastfeeding). The nurses will assist you in getting up the first time, learning to cough or huff to keep your chest clear, dealing with the gas that can follow surgery, and learning to hold your baby in ways that are comfortable for you. If assistance is not available when you need it, press your call button and ask for help.

All new parents can benefit from assistance at home after childbirth, but for a woman who has had a cesarean birth such help is essential for at least the first week. Not only are you undergoing a transformation to a nonpregnant state and learning to care for your new baby, you are recovering from major surgery. Adequate help, allowing you to rest often during the day, can make a great difference in how quickly you feel strong and well. Taking care of yourself and your baby should be your only duties until you feel ready to take on more. These activity restrictions are usually recommended:

Limit stair climbing as much as possible. Dont lift anything heavier than your baby for the first two weeks. Ask your mate or a friend to do laundry, vacuuming, and other tasks that require bending, lifting, or pushing for at least the first few weeks after birth. Then resume such work gradually. Do not drive a car for the first two weeks.

Take showers instead of tub baths until the incision is completely healed and dry. Ask your doctor or midwife for specific instructions on the care of your incision.

Accepting Your Initial Responses to Your Baby.

Like her labor, a womans initial response to her baby is something she remembers for a lifetime. Women greet their babies in as many ways as there are mothers. Before they give birth, most women anticipate a rush of loving feelings, or even tears of joy. others anticip ate instantly feeling like a mother. Some women actually experience these things. Many do not. Sometimes, a woman experiences a temporary holding back from the baby whose birth caused pain or emotional trauma. A new mother may have a feeling of distance-which in retrospect may seem like disinterest. Or she may feel a strong need to attend to herself, pain and exhaustion compete with interest in the baby. in retrospect, she may see herself as selfish. Coolness, distance, self-centeredness-none of these fit with any womans conception of a good mother. Because of this, many women say they feel guilty about their initial responses to their babies. Many women speak of feeling outside of themselves after labor. It is as though ones personal boundaries are hazy. Is it any wonder that women feel they are not taking their babies in-as they should? They can hardly take themselves in! This is to be expected. Most women say it takes days to come back into themselves. This is the natural rhythm of things. Something amazing is going on. As boundaries are reclarified, they are also redefined. You are now a mother. Your baby is no longer one with you, as in pregnancy. But the new boundaries are extended, to connect you for a lifetime to this other person. This connection is the essential work of the first months of parenting. You may have all the loving feelings you anticipated, but if you do not, give them time to evolve, as you do the work of taking on your new role.

Signs of Illness in a Newborn.

Many parents doubt whether they will recognize if the baby is sick. When you have no experience with babies, being told that a sick baby behaves differently from a well baby is of little comfort. if everything about your baby seems unfamiliar, it is hard to have confidence that you can and will recognize changes that indicate your baby is ill. Besides, healthy babies can cry for a couple of hours each day. Crying does not tell you as much in the first weeks as it will when your baby is older. So how will you know if your baby is sick? Asking yourself these questions may help:

Is there a change in the babys behavior? Is the baby crying more than usual? Has the tone of the cry changed? Is the crying at a different time of day than usual? Is the baby more irritable than usual? Is the baby sleeping more or less than usual? Does the baby seem lethargic or listless?

Has the babys appetite or digestion changed? Is the baby eating less than usual? Has the baby vomited more than once? If the baby is vomiting, is the vomiting forceful? (This is called projectile vomiting.) Are there signs of constipation? That is, are the stools hard or more solid than usual? Are there signs of diarrhea? That is, are the stools watery, or more runny than usual? Are they more frequent than usual? Is the baby urinating less frequently than usual? Has the color of the urine changed? Has there been a change in the babys breathing? Does the baby seem to have trouble breathing? Does the baby sound congested? Does the baby have a runny or stuffy nose? Is the baby coughing? How does the baby look? Is the babys skin pale or flushed? Is there a rash anywhere on the babys body? Do the babys eyes look glassy or dull? Is there any discharge from the eyes? Does the baby have a fever?

Any of these changes could indicate illness. if you notice any of them, or other worrisome changes in Your baby, call your babys care- giver. When you call the office, be prepared to describe:

The signs of illness about which you are concerned. How long the signs have been present. What you need: to have the caregiver return your call; to speak to the caregiver immediately, if you feel this is an emergency; or to arrange for the baby to be seen as soon as possible.

CRIB SAFETY TIPS if you have a used crib or are considering buying one: Make sure it has no corner posts. older infants can catch clothing on these. Check that the crib slats are no more than 2 3/8 inches apart. Never put a baby in a crib that has missing slats. Make sure that the mattress is firm, and that it fits tightly within the crib rails, with no more than a 1-inch space (two fingers width) between the rails and the mattress. Assure yourself that all guide rods and support brackets are firmly in place and secure, and that no screws are missing. Check the locks and latches on the crib. They should be smooth, and tight enough to prevent accidental release. Be certain the paint used on the crib is lead-free. If it isnt, the old paint should be removed. if youre pregnant or nursing, have someone else do the stripping, prefe rably away from your home, or at least outside the house and away from any play or garden area. New paint should be a high-quality, lead-free enamel recommended for childrens furniture. Some babies do chew on their cribs, and ingesting lead can cause brain damage. If your crib is new, remove and discard all plastic packaging materials, including the thin plastic mattress cover. As with a used crib, check the guide rods, support brackets, locks, and latches, and make sure no screws are missing. With any crib, new or old, place the crib out of reach of any cords, electrical sockets, or other hazards. Keep crib rails up at all times when the baby is unattended. As soon as your baby can pull himself or herself up, move the mattress to the lowest position. There should be at least 22 inches between the mattress and the top of the rail.

If you plan to use a bassinet or cradle instead of a crib, many of these same safety tips will still apply.

Some Basics about Feeding

Expectant parents know they will have a lot to learn after their babies arrive. They know it will take time to feel confident about diapering, bathing, and soothing a baby. Most have been told that feeding, too, will be a learning experience. It is not until after the birth, however, that the true meaning of this is dear. Parents often say they had not anticipated that the baby, too, would need to learn to feed. Also unanticipated is the profound concern parents have that their babies be adequately nourished. Even as adults, many people are greeted by their mothers with the questions Are you hungry? Do you want to eat? These are questions you will find yourself asking your baby. It is natural for you to feel somewhat anxious when the babys answers are not as clear as you might like. Following are som e basics about feeding that can guide you as you gain experience.

Postpartum Fathers
Feelings after Birth. Fathers who are present at birth are, more often than mothers, captured by the baby immediately. Whereas women may need minutes, hours, or a few days to feel connected to the baby, fathers often feel the power of this connection at the moment of birth. Unless the mother or baby is in some danger just after birth, the father is likely to find these moments life-changing and exquisite. These feelings are often blended with a sudden awareness of exhaustion. A father also experiences new feelings about his mate. He may speak of his amazement at her courage, strength, and endurance during labor. He now faces the task of integrating his memory of her in labor with his previous knowledge and feelings about her. A father may have to work through feelings he experienced while supporting the mother in labor. One of the most common feelings fathers speak about after labor is that of helplessness. Unless he is told, a man may not know how much his presence and emotional support really meant to the laboring woman. A man may also feel that the labor experience has altered his whole life view. He may have gained a sense of the miraculous and spiritual, of a deeper meaning to life. Not all fathers, of course, are able to share the birth experience. A lot of fathers who missed their babies births worry that not having been there will affect their relationships with their babies. Birth is a special moment in the parent-child relationship, but it is only one moment. The years of child rearing provide many other shared moments that are just as important in the development of a relationship between father and child.