The Zoo Story Edward Albee for William Flanagan CHARACTERS PETER: A man in his early forties, neither

fat nor ga nt, neither handsome nor homely He wears tweeds, smo!es a "i"e, #arries horn$rimmed glasses% Altho gh he is mo&ing into middle age, his dress and his manner wo ld s ggest a man yo nger% 'ERR(: A man in his late thirties, not "oorly dressed, b t #arelessly% What was on#e a trim and lightly m s#led body has beg n to go to fat) and while he is no longer handsome, it is e&ident that he on#e was% His fall from "hysi#al gra#e sho ld not s ggest deba #hery) he has, to #ome #losest to it% a great weariness% THE SCE*E: +t is Central Par!) a S nday afternoon in s mmer) the "resent% There are two "ar! ben#hes, one towards either side of the stage) they both fa#e, the a dien#e% ,ehind than: foliage, trees, s!y% -At the beginning PETER is seated on one of the ben#hes% As the # rtain rises, PETER is seated on the ben#h stage$right% He is reading a boo!% He sto"s reading, #leans his glasses, goes ba#! to reading% 'ERR( enters%. 'ERR(: +/&e been to the 0oo% -PETER doesn/t noti#e%. + said, +/&e been to the 0oo% 1+STER, +/2E ,EE* T3 THE Z334 PETER: Hm5 % % % What5 % % % +/m sorry, were yo tal!ing to me5 'ERR(: + went to the 0oo, and then + wal!ed ntil + #ame here% Ha&e + been wal!ing north5 PETER: -" 00led. *orth5 Why % % + % % % + thin! so% 6et me see% 'ERR(: -"ointing "ast the a dien#e. +s that Fifth a&en e5 PETER: Why ya) yes, it is% 'ERR(: And what is that #ross street there) that one, to the right5 PETER: That5 3h, that/s Se&enty$fo rth Street% 'ERR(: And the 0oo is aro nd Si7ty$8fth Street) so, +/&e been wal!ing north% PETER: -an7io s to get ba#! to his reading. (es) it wo ld seem so% 'ERR(: 9ood old north% PETER: -lightly, by refle7. Ha, ha% 'ERR(: -after a slight "a se. , t not d e north% PETER: + %%% well, no, not d e north) b t, we %%% #all it north% +t/s northerly% 'ERR(: -wat#hes as PETER, an7io s to dismiss him, "re"ares his "i"e. Well, boy, yo /re not going to get l ng #an#er, are yo 5 PETER: -loo!s ", a little annoyed, then smiles. *o, sir% *ot from this% 'ERR(: *o, sir% What yo /ll "robably get is #an#er of the mo th, and then yo /ll ha&e to wear one of those things Fre d wore after they too! one whole side of his :aw away, What do they #all those things 5 PETER: - n#omfortable. A "rosthesis5 'ERR(: The &ery thing4 A "rosthesis% (o /re an ed #ated man, aren/t yo 5 Are yo a do#tor 5 PETER: 3h, no) no% + read abo t it somewhere: Time maga0ine, + thin!% -He t rns to his boo!%. 'ERR(: Well, Time maga0ine isn/t for blo#!heads% PETER: *o, + s ""ose not% 'ERR(: -after a "a se. ,oy, +/m glad that/s Fifth A&en e there% PETER: -&ag ely. (es % 'ERR(: + don/t li!e the west side of the "ar! m #h% PETER: 3h5 -Then, slightly wary, b t interested. Why5 'ERR(: -offhand. + don/t !now%

PETER: 3h% -He ret rns to his boo!%. 'ERR(: -stands for a few se#onds, loo!ing at PETER, who finally loo!s " again, " 00led. ;o yo mind if we tal!5 PETER: -ob&io sly minding. Why % % % no, no% 'ERR(: (es yo do) yo do% PETER: -" ts his boo! down, his "i"e o t and away, smiling. *o, + really) + don/t mind% 'ERR(: (es yo do% PETER: -finally de#ided. *o) + don/t mind at all, really% 'ERR(: +t/s %%% it/s a ni#e day% PETER: -stares nne#essarily at the s!y. (es% (es, it is) lo&ely% 'ERR(: +/&e been to the 0oo% PETER: (es, + thin! yo said so %%% didn/t yo 5 'ERR(: (o /ll read abo t it in the "a"ers tomorrow, if yo don/t see it on yo r T2 tonight% (o ha&e T2, ha&en/t yo 5 PETER: Why yes, we ha&e two) one for the #hildren% 'ERR(: (o /re married4 PETER: -with "leased em"hasis. Why, #ertainly% 'ERR(: +t isn/t a law, for 9od/s sa!e% PETER: *o %%% no, of #o rse not% 'ERR(: And yo ha&e a wife% PETER: -bewildered by the seeming la#! of #omm ni#ation. (es4 'ERR(: And yo ha&e #hildren% PETER: (es) two% 'ERR(: ,oys5 PETER: *o, girls %%% both girls% 'ERR(: , t yo wanted boys% PETER: Well %%% nat rally, e&ery man wants a son, b t %%% 'ERR(: -lightly mo#!ing. , t that/s the way the #oo!ie #r mbles5 PETER: -annoyed. + wasn/t going to say that% 'ERR(: And yo /re not going to ha&e any more !ids, are yo 5 PETER: -a bit distantly. *o% *o more% -Then ba#!, and ir!some. Why did yo say that5 How wo ld yo !now abo t that5 'ERR(: The way yo #ross yo r legs, "erha"s) something in the &oi#e% 3r maybe +/m : st g essing% +s it yo r wife5 PETER: -f rio s. That/s none of yo r b siness4 -A silen#e%. ;o yo nderstand5 -'ERR( nods% PETER is < iet now%. Well, yo /re right% We/ll ha&e no more #hildren% 'ERR(: -softly. That is the way the #oo!ie #r mbles% PETER: -forgi&ing. (es %%% + g ess so% 'ERR(: Well, now) what else5 PETER: What were yo saying abo t the 0oo%%% that +/d read abo t it, or see %%%5 'ERR(: +/ll tell yo abo t it, soon% ;o yo mind if + as! yo < estions5 PETER: 3h, not really% 'ERR(: +/ll tell yo why + do it) + don/t tal! to many "eo"le e7#e"t to say li!e: gi&e me a beer, or where/s the :ohn, or what time does the feat re go on, or !ee" yo r hands to yo rself, b ddy% (o !now => things li!e that% PETER: + m st say + don t %%% 'ERR(: , t e&ery on#e in a while + li!e to tal! to somebody, really tal!) li!e to get to !now somebody, !now all abo t him% PETER: -lightly la ghing, still a little n#omfortable. And am + the g inea "ig for today 5 'ERR(: 3n a s n$dren#hed S nday afternoon li!e this5 Who better than a ni#e married man with two da ghters and %%% h %%% a dog5 -PETER sha!es his head%. *o5 Two dogs% -PETER sha!es his head again% Hm% *o dogs5

-PETER sha!es his head, sadly%. 3h, that/s a shame% , t yo loo! li!e an animal man% CATS5 -PETER nods his head, r ef lly%. Cats 4 , t, that #an/t be yo r idea% *o, sir% (o r wife and da ghters5 -PETER nods his head%. +s there anything else + sho ld !now5 PETER: -he has #lear his throat. There are %%% there are two "ara!eets% 3ne %%% h %%% one for ea#h of my da ghters% 'ERR(: ,irds% PETER: 1y da ghters !ee" them in a #age in their bedroom% 'ERR(: ;o they #arry disease5 The birds% PETER: + don/t belie&e so% 'ERR(: That/s too bad% +f they did yo #o ld set them loose in the ho se and the #ats #o ld eat them and die, maybe% -PETER loo! blan! for a moment, then la ghs%. And what else 5 What do yo do to s ""ort yo r enormo s ho sehold5 PETER: + %%% h %%% + ha&e an e7e# ti&e "osition with a %%% a small " blishing ho se% We %%% h %%% we " blish te7t boo!s% 'ERR(: That so nds ni#e) &ery ni#e% What do yo ma!e5 PETER: -still #heerf l. *ow loo! here4 'ERR(: 3h, #ome on% PETER: Well, + ma!e aro nd eighteen tho sand a year, b t: don/t #arry more than forty dollars at any one time %%% in #ase yo /re a %%% a hold " man %%% ha, ha, ha% 'ERR(: -ignoring the abo&e. Where do yo li&e5 -PETER is rel #tant%. 3h, loo!) +/m not going to rob yo , and +/m not going to !idna" yo r "ara!eets, yo r #ats, or yo r da ghters% PETER: -too lo d. + li&e between 6e7ington and Third A&en e, on Se&enty$fo rth Street% 'ERR(: That wasn/t so hard, was it5 PETER: + didn/t mean to seem %%% ah %%% it/s that yo don/t really #arry on a #on&ersation) yo : st as! < estions% And +/m %%% +/m normally %%% h %%% reti#ent% Why do yo : st stand there5 'ERR(: +/ll start wal!ing aro nd in a little while, and e&ent ally +/ll sit down% -Re#alling%. Wait ntil yo see the e7"ression on his fa#e% PETER: What5 Whose fa#e5 6oo! here) is this Something abo t the 0oo5 'ERR(: -distantly. The what5 PETER: The 0oo) the 0oo% Something abo t the 0oo% 'ERR(: The 0oo5 PETER: (o /&e mentioned it se&eral times% 'ERR( -still distant, b t ret rning abr "tly.: The 0oo5 3h, yes) the 0oo% + was there before + #ame here% + told yo that% Say, what/s the di&iding line between ""er$middle$middle$#lass and lower$ ""er$middle$#lass5 PETER: 1y dear fellow, + %%% 'ERR(: ;on/t my dear fellow me% PETER: - nha""ily. Was + "atroni0ing5 + belie&e + was) +/m sorry% , t, yo see, yo r < estion abo t the #lasses bewildered me% 'ERR(: And when yo /re bewildered yo be#ome "atroni0ing5 PETER: + %%% + don/t e7"ress myself too well, sometimes% -He attem"ts a :o!e on himself%. +/m in " blishing, not writing% 'ERR(: -am sed, b t not at the h mo r. So be it% The tr th is: + was being "atroni0ing% PETER: 3h, now) yo needn/t say that% -+t is at this "oint that 'ERR( may begin to mow abo t the stage with slowly in#reasing determination and a thority, b t "a#ing himself, so that the long s"ee#h abo t the dog #omes at the high "oint of the ar#%. 'ERR(: All right% Who are yo r fa&o rite writers5 ,a delaire and '%P% 1ar< and5

PETER: -wary. Well, + li!e a great many writers) + ha&e a #onsiderable%%% #atholi#ity of taste, if + may say so% Those two men are fine, ea#h in his way% -Warming ". ,a delaire, of #o rse %%% h %%% is by far the finer of the two, b t 1ar< and has a "la#e %%% in o r %%% h %%% national %%% 'ERR(: S!i" it% PETER: + %%% sorry% 'ERR(: ;o yo !now what + did before + went to the 0oo today5 + wal!ed all the way " Fifth A&en e from Washington S< are) all the way% PETER: 3h) yo li&e in the 2illage4 -This seems to enlighten Peter%. 'ERR(: *o, + don/t% + too! the s bway down to the 2illage so + #o ld wal! all the way " Fifth A&en e to the 0oo% +t/s one of those things a "erson has to do) sometimes a "erson has to go a &ery long distan#e o t of his way to #ome ba#! a short distan#e #orre#tly% PETER: -almost "o nting. 3h, + tho ght yo li&ed in the 2illage% 'ERR(: What were yo trying to do5 1a!e sense o t of things5 ,ring order5 The old "igeonhole bit5 Well, that/s easy) +/ll tell yo % + li&e in a fo r$storey brownstone rooming$ho se on the ""er West Side between Col mb s A&en e and Central Par! West% + li&e on the to" floor) rear) west% +t/s a la ghably small room, and one of my walls is made of bea&erboard) this bea&erboard se"arates my room from another la ghably small room, so + ass me that the two rooms were on#e one room, a small room, b t not ne#essarily la ghable% The room beyond my bea&er board wall is o## "ied by a #olo red < een who always !ee"s his door o"en) well, not always b t always when he/s "l #!ing his eyebrows, whi#h he does with , ddhist #on#entration% This #olo red < een has rotten teeth, whi#h is rare, and he has a 'a"anese !imono, whi#h is also "retty rare) and he wears this !imono to and from the :ohn in the hall, whi#h is "retty fre< ent% + mean, he goes to the :ohn a lot% He ne&er bothers me, and ne&er brings anyone " to his room% All he does is "l #! his eyebrows, wear his !imono and go to the :ohn% *ow, the two front rooms on my floor are a little larger, + g ess) b t they/re "retty small, too% There/s a P erto Ri#an family in one of them, a h sband, a wife, and some !ids) + don/t !now how many% These "eo"le entertain a lot% And in the other front room, there/s somebody li&ing there, b t + don/t !now who it is% +/&e ne&er seen who it is% *e&er% *e&er e&er% PETER: -embarrassed. Why %%% why do yo li&e there5 'ERR(: -From a distan#e again. + don/t !now% PETER: +t doesn/t so nd a &ery ni#e "la#e %%% where yo li&e% 'ERR(: Well, no) it isn/t an a"artment in the East Se&enties% , t, then again, + don/t ha&e one wife, two da ghters, two #ats and two "ara!eets% What + do ha&e, + ha&e toilet arti#les, a few #lothes, a hot "late that +/m not s ""osed to ha&e, a #an o"ener, one that wor!s with a !ey, yo !now: a ?nife, two for!s, and two s"oons, one small, one large) three "lates, a # ", a sa #er, a drin!ing glass, two "i#t re frames, both em"ty, eight or nine boo!s, a "a#! of "ornogra"hi# "laying #ards, reg lar de#!, an old Western @nion ty"ewriter that "rints nothing b t #a"ital letters, and a small strong$bo7 witho t a lo#! whi#h has in it %%% what 5 Ro#!s 4 Some ro#!s %%% sea ro nded ro#!s + "i#!ed " on the bea#h when + was a !id% @nder whi#h %%% weighed down %%% are some letters %%% "lease letters %%% "lease why don/t yo do this, and "lease when will yo do that letters% And when letters, too% When will yo write 5 When will yo #ome 5 When 5 These letters are from more re#ent years% PETER: -stares gl mly at his shoes, then. Abo t those two Em"ty "i#t re frames %%%5 'ERR(: + don/t see why they need any e7"lanation at all% +sn/t it #lear5 + don/t ha&e "i#t res of anyone to " t in them% PETER: (o r "arents %%% "erha"s %%% a girl friend %%% 'ERR(: (o /re a &ery sweet man, and yo /re "ossessed of a tr ly en&iable inno#en#e% , t good old 1om and good old Po" are dead %%% yo !now5 %%% +/m bro!en " abo t it, too %%% + mean really% ,@T% That "arti# lar &a de&ille a#t is "laying the #lo d #ir# it now, so + don/t see how + #an loo! at them, all neat and framed% ,esides, or, rather, to be "ointed abo t it, good old 1om wal!ed o t on good old Po" when + was ten and a half years old) she embar!ed on an ad ltero s t rn of o r so thern states %%% a :o rney of a year/s d ration %%% and her most #onstant #om"anion %%% among others, among many others %%% was a

1r ,arley#orn% At least, that/s what good old Po" told me after he went down %%% #ame ba#! %%% bro ght her body north% We/d re#ei&ed the news between Christmas and *ew (ear/s, yo see, that good old 1om had "arted with the ghost in some d m" in Alabama% And, witho t the ghost %%% she was less wel#ome% + mean, what was she5 A stiff %%% a northern stiff% At any rate, good old Po" #elebrated the *ew (ear for an e&en two wee!s and then sla""ed into the front of a somewhat mo&ing #ity omnib s, whi#h sort of #leaned things o t family$wise% Well no) then there was 1om/s sister, who was gi&en neither to sin nor the #onsolations of the bottle% + mo&ed in on her, and my memory of her is slight e7#e"ting + remember still that she did all things do rly: slee"ing, eating, wor!ing, "raying% She dro""ed dead on the stairs to her a"artment, my a"artment then, too, on the afternoon of my high s#hool grad ation% A terribly middle$E ro"ean :o!e, if yo as! me% PETER: 3h, my) oh, my% 'ERR(: 3h, yo r what5 , t that was a long time ago, and + ha&e no feeling abo t any of it that + #are to admit to myself% Perha"s yo #an see, tho gh, why good old 1om and good old Po" are frame less% What/s yo r name 5 (o r first name 5 'ERR(: +/d forgotten to as! yo % +/m 'erry% PETER: -with a slight ner&o s la gh. Hello, 'erry% 'ERR(: -nods his hello. And let/s see now) what/s the "oint of ha&ing girl/s "i#t re, es"e#ially in two frames5 + ha&e two "i#t re frames, yo remember% + ne&er see the "retty little ladies more than on#e, and most of them wo ldn/t be #a ght in the same room with a #amera% +t/s odd, and + wonder if it/s sad% PETER: The girls5 'ERR(: *o% + wonder if it/s sad that + ne&er see the little ladies more than on#e% +/&e ne&er been able to ha&e se7 with, or, how is it " t 5 %%% ma!e lo&e to anybody more than on#e% 3n#e) that/s it %%% 3h, wait) for a wee! and a half, when + was fifteen %%% and + hang my head in shame that " berty was late %%% + was a h$o$m$o$s$e$7$ $a$l% + mean, + was < eer %%% -2ery fast. %%% < eer, < eer, < eer %%% with bells ringing, banners sna""ing in the wind% And for those ele&en days, + met at least twi#e a day with the "ar! s "erintendent/s son %%% a 9ree! boy, whose birthday was the same as mine, e7#e"t he was a year older% + thin! + was &ery m #h in lo&e %%% maybe : st with se7% , t that was the :a00 of a &ery s"e#ial hotel, wasn/t it 5 And now) oh, do + lo&e the little ladies) really, + lo&e them% For abo t an ho r% PETER: Well, it seems "erfe#tly sim"le to me %%% 'ERR(: -angry. 6oo! 4 Are yo going to tell me to get married and ha&e "ara!eets 5 PETER: -angry himself. Forget the "ara!eets 4 And stay single if yo want to% +t/s no b siness of mine% + didn/t start this #on&ersation in the %%% 'ERR(: All right, all right% +/m sorry% All right5 (o /re not angry 5 PETER: -la ghing. *o, +/m not angry% 'ERR(: -relie&ed. 9ood% -*ow ba#! to his "re&io s tone%. +nteresting that yo as!ed me abo t the "i#t re frames% + wo ld ha&e tho ght that yo wo ld ha&e as!ed me abo t the "ornogra"hi# "laying #ards% PETER: -with a !nowing smile. 3h, +/&e seen those #ards% 'ERR(: That/s not the "oint% -6a ghs. + s ""ose when yo were a !id yo and yo r "als "assed them aro nd, or yo had a "a#! of yo r own% PETER: Well, + g ess a lot of s did% 'ERR(: And yo threw them away : st before yo got married% PETER: 3h, now) loo! here% + didn/t need anything li!e that when + got older% 'ERR(: *o5 PETER: -embarrassed. +/d rather not tal! abo t these things% 'ERR(: So5 ;on/t% ,esides, + wasn/t trying to " ll yo r "ost$adoles#ent se7 al life and hard times) what + wanted to get at is the &al e differen#e between "ornogra"hi# "laying #ards when yo /re a !id, and "ornogra"hi# "laying #ards when yo /re older% +t/s that when yo /re a !id yo se the #ards as a s bstit te for a real e7"erien#e, and when yo /re older yo se

real e7"erien#e as a s bstit te for the fantasy% , t + imagine yo /d rather hear abo t what ha""ened at the 0oo% PETER: -enth siasti#.: 3h, yes) the 0oo% -Then, aw!ward:. That is %%% if yo %%% 'ERR(: 6et me tell yo abo t why + went %%% well, let me tell yo some things% +/&e told yo abo t the fo rth floor of the rooming ho se where + li&e% + thin! the rooms are better as yo go down, floor by floor% + g ess they are) + don/t !now% + don/t !now any of the "eo"le on the third and se#ond floors% 3h, wait 4 + do !now that there/s a lady li&ing on the third floor, in the front% + !now be#a se she #ries all the time% Whene&er + go o t or #ome ba#! in, whene&er + "ass her door, + always hear her #rying, m ffled, b t %%% &ery determined% 2ery determined indeed% , t the one +/m getting to, and all abo t the dog, is the landlady% + don/t li!e to se words that are too harsh in des#ribing "eo"le% + don/t li!e to% , t the landlady is a fat, gly, mean, st "id, nwashed, misanthro"i#, #hea", dr n!en bag of garbage% And yo may ha&e noti#ed that + &ery seldom we "rofanity, so + #an/t des#ribe her as well as + might% PETER: (o des#ribe her %%% &i&idly% 'ERR(: Well, than!s% Anyway, she has a dog, and + will tell yo abo t the dog, and she and her dog are the gate!ee"ers of my dwelling% The woman is bad eno gh) she leans aro nd in the entran#e hall, s"ying to see that + don/t bring in things or "eo"le, and when she/s had her midafternoon "int of lemon$fla&o red gin she always sto"s me in the hall, and grabs a hold of my #oat or my arm, and she "ress a her disg sting body " against me to !ee" me in a #orner so she #an tal! to me% The smell of her body and her breath %%% yo #an/t imagine it %%% and somewhere, somewhere in the ba#! of that "ea$si0ed brain of hers, an organ de&elo"ed : st eno gh to let her eat, drin! and emit, she has some fo l "arody of se7 al desire% And +, Peter, + am the ob:e#t of her sweaty l st% PETER: That/s disg sting% That/s %%% horrible% 'ERR(: , t + ha&e fo nd a way to !ee" her off% When she tal!s to me, when she "resses herself to my body and m mbles abo t her room and how + sho ld #ome there, + merely say: b t, 6o&e) wasn/t yesterday eno gh for yo , and the day before 5 Then she " 00les, she ma!es slits of her tiny eyes, she sways a little, and then, Peter %%% and it is at this moment that + thin! + might be doing some good in that tormented ho se %%% a sim"le$minded smile begins to form on her nthin!able fa#e, and she giggles and groans as she thin!s abo t yesterday and the day before) as she belie&es and reli&es what ne&er ha""ened% Then, she motions to that bla#! monster of a dog she has, and she goes ba#! to her room% And + am safe ntil o r ne7t meeting% PETER: +t/s so %%% nthin!able% + find it hard to belie&e that "eo"le s #h as that really are% 'ERR(: -lightly mo#!ing. +t/s for reading abo t, isn/t it 5 PETER: -serio sly. (es% 'ERR(: And fa#t is better left to fi#tion% (o /re right, Peter% Well, what + ha&e been meaning to tell yo abo t is the dog) + shall, now% PETER: -ner&o sly. 3h, yes) the dog% 'ERR(: ;on/t go% (o /re not thin!ing of going, are yo 5 PETER: Well %%% no, + don t thin! so% 'ERR(: -as if to a #hild. be#a se after + tell yo abo t the dog, do yo !now what then 5 Then %%% then +/ll tell yo abo t what ha""ened at the 0oo% PETER: -la ghing faintly. (o /re %%% yo /re f ll of stories, aren/t yo 5 'ERR(: (o don/t ha&e to listen% *obody is holding yo here) remember that% ?ee" that in yo r mind% PETER: -irritably. + !now that% 'ERR(: (o do5 9ood% -The following long s"ee#h, it seems to me, sho ld be done with a great deal of a#tion, to a#hie&e a hy"noti# effe#t on Peter, and on the a dien#e too% Some s"e#ifi# a#tions ha&e been s ggested, b t

the dire#tor and the a#tor "laying 'ERR( might best wor! it o t for themsel&es%. A66 R+9HT% -As if reading from a h ge billboard. THE ST3R( 3F 'ERR( A*; THE ;394 -*at ral again. What + am going to tell yo has something to do with how sometimes it/s ne#essary to go a long distan#e o t of the way in order to #ome ba#! a short distan#e #orre#tly) or, maybe + only thin! that it has something to do with that% , t, it/s why + went to the 0oo today, and why + wal!ed north %%% northerly, rather %%% ntil + #ame here% All right% The dog, + thin! + told yo , is a bla#! monster of a beast: an o&ersi0ed head, tiny, tiny ears, and eyes %%% bloodshot, infe#ted, maybe) and a body yo #an see the ribs thro gh the s!in% The dog is bla#!, all bla#!) all bla#! e7#e"t for the bloodshot eyes, and %%% yes %%% and an o"en sore on its %%% right fore"aw) that is red, too% And, oh yes) the "oor monster, and + do belie&e it/s an old dog %%% it/s #ertainly a mis sed one %%% almost always has an ere#tion % % % of sorts% That/s red, too% And %% what else5 %%% oh, yes) there/s a grey$yellow$white #olo r, too, when he bares his fangs% 6i!e this: 9rrrrrrr4 Whi#h is what he did when he saw me for the first time %%% the day + mo&ed in% + worried abo t that animal the &ery first min te + met him% *ow, animals don/t ta!e to me li!e Saint Fran#is had birds hanging off him all the time% What + mean is: animals are indifferent to me %%% li!e "eo"le -He smiles slightly. %%% most of the time% , t this dog wasn/t indifferent% From the &ery beginning he/d snarl and then go for me, to get one of my legs% *ot li!e he was rabid, yo !now) he was sort of a st mbly dog, b t he wasn/t half$ assed, either% +t was a good, st mbly r n, b t + always got away% He got a "ie#e of my tro ser leg, loo!, yo #an see right here, where it/s mended) he got that the se#ond day + li&ed there) b t, + !i#!ed free and got "stairs fast, so that was that% -P 00les. + still don/t !now to this day how the other roomers manage it, b t yo !now what + thin!: + thin! it had to do only with me% Cosy% So% Anyway, this went on for o&er a wee!, whene&er + #ame in) b t ne&er when + went o t% That/s f nny% 3r, it was f nny% + #o ld "a#! " and li&e in the street for all the dog #ared% Well, + tho ght abo t it " in my room one day, one of the times after +/d bolted "stairs, and + made " my mind% + de#ided: First, +/ll !ill the dog with !indness, and if that doesn/t wor! %%% +/ll : st !ill him% -PETER win#es%. ;on/t rea#t, Peter) : st listen% So, the ne7t day + went o t and bo ght a bag of hamb rgers, medi m rare, no #ats ", no onion) and on the way home + threw away all the rolls and !e"t : st the meat% -A#tion for the following, "erha"s%. When + got ba#! to the rooming$ho se the dog was waiting for me% + half o"ened the door that led into the entran#e hall, and there he was) waiting for me% +t fig res% + went in, &ery #a tio sly, and + had the hamb rgers, yo remember) + o"ened the bag, and + set the meat down abo t twel&e feet from where the dog was snarling at me% 6i!e so4 He snarled) sto""ed snarling) sniffed) mo&ed slowly) then faster) then faster towards the meat% Well, when he got to it he sto""ed, and he loo!ed at me% + smiled) b t tentati&ely, yo nderstand% He t rned his fa#e ba#! to the hamb rgers, smelled, sniffed some more, and then %%% RRRAAAA99999HHHH, li!e that % % % he tore into them% +t was as if he had ne&er eaten anything in his life before, e7#e"t li!e garbage% Whi#h might &ery well ha&e been the tr th% + don/t thin! the landlady e&er eats anything b t garbage% , t% He ate all the hamb rgers, almost all at on#e, ma!ing so nds in his throat li!e a woman% Then, when he/d finished the meat, the hamb rger, and tried to eat the "a"er, too, he sat down and smiled% + thin! he smiled) + !now #ats do% +t was a &ery gratifying few moments% Then, ,A1, he snarled and made for me again% He didn/t get me this time, either% So, + got "stairs, and + lay down on my bed and started to thin! abo t the dog again% To be tr thf l, + was offended, and + was damn mad, too% +t was si7 "erfe#tly good hamb rgers with not eno gh "or! in them to ma!e it disg sting% + was offended% , t, after a while, + de#ided to try it for a few more days% +f yo thin! abo t it, this dog had what amo nted to an anti"athy towards me) really% And, + wondered if + mightn/t o&er#ome this anti"athy% So, + tried it for fi&e more days, b t it was always the same: snarl, sniff) mo&e) faster) stare) gobble) RAA999HHH) smile) snarl) ,A1% Well, now) by this time Col mb s A&en e was strewn with hamb rger rolls and + was less offended than disg sted% So, + de#ided to !ill the dog% -PETER raises a hand in "rotest%.

3h, don/t be so alarmed, Peter) + didn/t s ##eed% The day + tried to !ill the dog + bo ght only one hamb rger and what + tho ght was a m rdero s "ortion of rat "oison% When + bo ght the hamb rger + as!ed the man not to bother with the roll, all + wanted was the meat% + e7"e#ted some rea#tion from him, li!e: we don/t sell no hamb rgers witho t rolls) or, wha/ d/ya wanna do, eat it o t/a ya han/s 5 , t no) he smiled benignly, wra""ed " the hamb rger in wa7ed "a"er, and said: A bite for ya " ssy$#at5 + wanted to say: *o, not really) it/s "art of a "lan to "oison a dog + !now% , t, yo #an/t say /a dog + !now/ witho t so nding f nny) so + said, a little too lo d, +/m afraid, and too formally: (ES, A ,+TE F3R 1( P@SS(CAT% Peo"le loo!ed "% +t always ha""ens when + try to sim"lify things) "eo"le loo! "% , t that/s neither hither nor thither% So% 3n my way ba#! to the rooming$ho se, + !neaded the hamb rger and the rat "oison together between my hands, at that "oint feeling as m #h sadness as disg st% + o"ened the door to the entran#e hall, and there the monster was, waiting to ta!e the offering and then : m" me% Poor bastard) he ne&er learned that the moment he too! to smile before he went for me ga&e me time eno gh to get o t of range% ,@T, there he was) male&olen#e with an ere#tion, waiting% + " t the "oison "atty down, mo&ed towards the stairs and wat#hed% The "oor animal gobbled the food down as s al, smiled, whi#h made me almost si#!, and then, ,A1% , t, + s"rinted " the stairs, as s al, and the dog didn/t get me, as s al% A*; +T CA1E T3 PASS THAT THE ,EAST WAS ;EATH6( +66% + !new this be#a se he no longer attended me, and be#a se the landlady sobered "% She sto""ed me in the hall the same e&ening of the attem"ted m rder and #onfided the information that 9od had str #! her " ""y dog a s rely fatal blow% She had forgotten her bewildered l st, and her eyes were wide o"en for the first time% They loo!ed li!e the dog/s eyes% She sni&eled and im"lored me to "ray for the animal% + wanted to say to her: 1adam, + ha&e myself to "ray for, the #olo red < een, the P erto Ri#an family, the "erson in the front room whom +/&e ne&er seen, the woman who #ries deliberately behind her #losed door, and the rest of the "eo"le in all rooming$ho ses, e&erywhere) besides, 1adam, + don/t nderstand how to "ray% , t %%% to sim"lify things % % % + told her + wo ld "ray% She loo!ed "% She said that + was a liar, and that + "robably wanted the dog to die% + told her, and there was so m #h tr th here, that + didn/t want the dog to die% + didn/t, and not : st be#a se +/d "oisoned him% +/m afraid that + m st tell yo + wanted the dog to li&e so that + #o ld see what o r new relationshi" might #ome to% -PETER indi#ates his in#reasing dis"leas re and slowly growing antagonism%. Please nderstand, Peter) that sort of thing is im"ortant% (o m st belie&e me) it is im"ortant% We ha&e to !now the effe#t of o r a#tions% -Another dee" sigh%. Well, anyway) the dog re#o&ered% + ha&e no idea why, nless he was a des#endant of the " ""y that g arded the gates of hell or some s #h resort% +/m not " on my mythology% -He "rono n#es the word myth$o$logy%. Are yo 5 -PETER sets to thin!ing, b t 'ERR( goes on%. At any rate, and yo /&e missed the eight$tho sand$dollar) < estion, Peter) at any rate, the dog re#o&ered his health and the landlady re#o&ered her thirst, in no way altered by the bow$wow/s deli&eran#e% When + #ame home from a mo&ie that was "laying on Forty$se#ond Street, a mo&ie +/d seen, or one that was &ery m #h li!e one or se&eral +/d seen, after the landlady told me " ""y!ins was better, + was so ho"ing for the dog to be waiting for me% + was %%% well, how wo ld yo " t it %%% enti#ed 5 %%% fas#inated 5 %%% no, + don/t thin! so %%% heart$shatteringly an7io s, that/s it: + was heart$shatteringly an7io s to #onfront my friend again% -PETER rea#ts s#offingly%. (es, Peter) friend% That/s the only word for it% + was heart$shatteringly et #etera to #onfront my doggy friend again% + #ame in the door and ad&an#ed, nafraid, to the #enter of the entran#e hall% The beast was there %%% loo!ing at me% And, yo !now, he loo!ed better for his s#ra"e with the ne&ermind% + sto""ed) + loo!ed at him) he loo!ed at me% + thin! %%% + thin! we stayed a long time that way %%% still, stone$stat e %%% : st loo!ing at one another% + loo!ed more into his fa#e than he loo!ed into mine% + mean, + #an #on#entrate longer at loo!ing into a dog/s fa#e than a dog #an #on#entrate at loo!ing into mine, or into anybody else/s fa#e, for that matter% , t d ring that twenty se#onds or two ho rs that we loo!ed into ea#h other/s fa#e, we made #onta#t% *ow, here is what + had wanted to

ha""en: + lo&ed the dog now, and + wanted him to lo&e me% + had tried to lo&e, and + had tried to !ill, and both had been ns ##essf l by themsel&es% + ho"ed %%% and + don/t really !now why + e7"e#ted the dog to nderstand anything, m #h less my moti&ations % % % + ho"ed that the dog wo ld nderstand% -PETER seems to be hy"noti0ed. +t/s : st %%% it/s : st that %%% -'ERR( is abnormally tense, now%. %%% it/s : st that if yo #an/t deal with "eo"le, yo ha&e to ma!e a start somewhere% W+TH A*+1A6S 4 -1 #h faster now, and li!e a #ons"irator. ;on/t yo see%5 A "erson has to ha&e some way of dealing with S31ETH+*9% +f not with "eo"le %%% S31ETH+*9% With a bed, with a #o#!roa#h, with a mirror %%% no, that/s too hard, that/s one of the last ste"s% With a #o#!roa#h, with a %%% with a %%% with a #ar"et, a roll of toilet "a"er %%% no, not that, either %%% that/s a mirror, too) always #he#! bleeding% (o see how hard it is to find things 5 With a street #orner, and too many lights, all #olo rs refle#ting on the oily$wet streets %%% with a wis" of smo!e, a wis" %%% of smo!e %%% with %%% with "orno% gra"hi# "laying #ards, with a strong$bo7 % % % W+TH3@T A 63C? %%% with lo&e, with &omiting, with #rying, with f ry be#a se the "retty little ladies aren/t "retty little ladies, with ma!ing money with yo r body whi#h is an a#t of lo&e and + #o ld "ro&e it, with howling be#a se yo /re ali&e) with 9od% How abo t that5 W+TH 93; WH3 +S A C363@RE; A@EE* WH3 WEARS A ?+13*3 A*; P6@C?S H+S E(E,R3WS 4 WH3 +S A W31A* WH3 CR+ES W+TH ;ETER1+*AT+3* ,EH+*; HER C63SE; ;33R %%% with 9od who, +/m told, t rned his ba#! on the whole thing some time ago %%% with %%% some day, with "eo"le% -'ERR( sighs the ne7t word hea&ily%. Peo"le% With an idea) a #on#e"t% And where better, where e&er better in this h miliating e7# se for a :ail, where better to #omm ni#ate one single, sim"le$minded idea than in an entran#e hall5 Where5 +t wo ld be A START4 Where better to ma!e a beginning %%% to nderstand and : st "ossibly be nderstood %%% a beginning of an nderstanding, than with %%% -Here 'ERR( seems to fall into almost grotes< e fatig e. %%% than with A ;39% ' st that) a dog% -Here there is a silen#e that might be "rolonged for a moment or so) then 'ERR( wearily finishes his story%. A dog% +t seemed li!e a "erfe#tly sensible idea% 1an is a dog/s best friend, remember% So: the dog and + loo!ed at ea#h other% + longer than the dog% And what + saw then has been the same e&er sin#e% Whene&er the dog and + see ea#h other we both sto" where we are% We regard ea#h other with a mi7t re of sadness and s s"i#ion, and then we feign indifferen#e% We wal! "ast ea#h other safely) we ha&e an nderstanding% +t/s &ery sad, b t yo /ll ha&e to admit that it is an nderstanding% We had made man attem"ts at #onta#t, and we had failed% The dog has ret rned to garbage, and + to solitary b t free "assage% + ha&e not ret rned% + mean to say, + ha&e gained solitary free "assage, if that m #h f rther loss #an be said to be gain% + ha&e learned that neither !indness nor #r elty by themsel&es, inde"endent of ea#h other, #reates any effe#t beyond themsel&es) and + ha&e learned that the two #ombined, together, at the same time, are the tea#hing emotion% And what is gained is loss% And what has been the res lt: the dog and + ha&e attained a #om"romise) more of a bargain, really% We neither lo&e nor h rt be#a se we do not try to rea#h ea#h other% And, was trying to feed the dog an a#t of lo&e5 And, "erha"s, was the dog/s attem"t to bite me not an a#t of lo&e5 +f we #an so mis nderstand, well then, why ha&e we in&ented the word lo&e in the first "la#e 5 -There is silen#e% 'ERR( mo&es to Peter/s ben#h and its down beside him% This is the first time 'ERR( has sat down d ring the "lay%. The Story of 'erry and the ;og: the end% -PETER is silent%. Well, Peter 5 -'ERR( is s ddenly #heerf l%. Well, Peter5 ;o yo thin! + #o ld sell that story to the Reader/s ;igest and ma!e a #o "le of h ndred b #!s for The 1ost @nforgettable Chara#ter +/&e e&er 1et, H h5 -'ERR( is animated, b t PETER is dist rbed%. 3h, #ome on now, Peter) tell me what yo thin!% PETER: -n mb. + %%% + don/t nderstand what %%% + don/t thin! + %%% -*ow almost tearf lly. Why did yo tell me all of this 5 'ERR(: Why not5

PETER: + ;3*/T @*;ERSTA*;4 'ERR(: -f rio s, b t whis"ering. That/s a lie% PETER: *o% *o, it/s not% 'ERR(: -< ietly. + tried to e7"lain it to yo as + went along% + went slowly) it all has to do with %%% PETER: + ;3* T WA*T T3 HEAR A*( 13RE% + don/t nderstand yo , or yo r landlady, or her dog%%%% 'ERR(: Her dog4 + tho ght it was my %%% *o% *o, yo /re right% +t is her dog% -6oo!s at PETER in intently, sha!ing his head%. + don/t !now what + was thin!ing abo t) of #o rse yo don/t nderstand% -+n a monotone, wearily. + don/t li&e in yo r blo#!) +/m not married to two "ara!eets, or whate&er yo r set$ " is% + am a "ermanent transient, and my home is the si#!ening rooming$ho ses on the West Side of *ew (or! City, whi#h is the greatest #ity +n the world% Amen% PETER: +/m %%% +/m sorry) + didn/t mean to %%% 'ERR(: Forget it% + s ""ose yo don/t < ite !now what to ma!e of me, eh 5 PETER: -a :o!e. We get all !inds in " blishing% -Ch #!les%. 'ERR(: (o /re a f nny man% -He for#es a la gh%. (o !now that 5 (o /re a &ery %%% a ri#hly #omi# "erson% PETER: -modestly, b t am sed. 3h, now, not really% -Still #h #!ling%. 'ERR(: Peter, do + annoy yo , or #onf se yo 5 PETER: -lightly. Well, + m st #onfess that this wasn/t the !ind of afternoon +/d anti#i"ated% 'ERR(: (3@ mean, +/m not the gentleman yo were e7"e#ting% PETER: + wasn/t e7"e#ting anybody% 'ERR(: *o, + don/t imagine yo were% , t +/m here, and +/m not lea&ing% PETER: -#ons lting his wat#h. Well, yo may not be, b t + m st be getting home soon% 'ERR(: 3h, #ome on) stay a while longer% PETER: + really sho ld get home) yo see % % % 'ERR(: -ti#!les Peter/s ribs with his fingers. 3h, #ome on% PETER: -he is &ery ti#!lish) as 'ERR( #ontin es to ti#!le him his &oi#e be#omes falsetto%. *o, + %%% 3HHHH4 ;on t do that% Sto", Sto"% 3hhh, no, no% 'ERR(: 3h, #ome on% PETER: -as 'ERR( ti#!les. 3h, hee, hee, hee% + m st go% + %%% hee, hee, hee% After all, sto", sto", hee, hee, hee, after all, the "ara!eets will be getting dinner ready soon% Hee, hee% And the #ats are setting the table% Sto", sto", and, and %%% -He is beside himself now%. %%% and we/re ha&ing %%% hee, hee %%% h %%% ho, ho, ho% -'ERR( sto"s ti#!ling Peter, b t the #ombination of ti#!ling and his own mad whimsy has PETER la ghing almost hysteri#ally% As his la ghter #ontin es, then s bsides, 'ERR( wat#hes him, with a # rio s fi7ed smile%. 'ERR(: Peter5 PETER: 3h, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha% What 5 What 5 'ERR(: 6isten, now% PETER: 3h, ho, ho% What %%% what is it, 'erry5 3h, my% 'ERR(: -mysterio sly. Peter, do yo want to !now what ha""ened at the 0oo 5 PETER: Ah, ha, ha% The what 5 3h, yes) the 0oo% 3h, ho, ho% Well, + had my own 0oo there for a moment with %%% hee, hee, the "ara!eets getting dinner ready, and the %%% ha, ha, whate&er it was, the %%% 'ERR(: -#almly. (es, that was &ery f nny, Peter% + wo ldn/t ha&e e7"e#ted it% , t do yo want to hear abo t what ha""ened at the 0oo, or not5 PETER: (es% (es, by all means) tell me what ha""ened at the 0oo% 3h, my% + don/t !now what ha""ened to me% 'ERR(: *ow +/ll let yo in on what ha""ened at the 0oo) b t first, + sho ld tell yo why + went to the 0oo% + went to the 0oo to find o t more abo t the way "eo"le e7ist with animals, and the way animals e7ist with ea#h other, and with "eo"le too% Tt "robably wasn/t a fair test, what with

e&eryone se"arated by bars from e&eryone else, the animals for the most "art from ea#h other, and always the "eo"le from the animals% , t, if it/s a 0oo, that/s the way it is% -He "o!es Peter on the arm%. 1o&e o&er% PETER: -friendly. +/m sorry, ha&en/t yo eno gh room5 -He shifts a little%. 'ERR(: -smiling slightly. Well, all the animals are there, and all the "eo"le are there, and it/s S nday and all the #hildren are there% -He "o!es Peter again%. 1o&e o&er% PETER: -"atiently, still friendly. All right% -He mo&es some more, and 'ERR( has all the room he might need%. 'ERR(: And it/s a hot day, so all the sten#h is there, too, and all the balloon sellers, and all the i#e$ #ream sellers, and all the seals are bar!ing, and all the birds are s#reaming% -Po!es Peter harder%. 1o&e o&er 4 PETER: -beginning to be annoyed. 6oo! here, yo ha&e more than eno gh room4 -, t he mo&es more, and is now fairly #ram"ed at one end of the ben#h%. 'ERR(: And + am there, and it/s feeding time at the lion/s ho se, and the lion !ee"er #omes into the lion #age, one of the lion #ages, to feed one of the lions% -P n#hes Peter on the arm, hard%. 132E 32ER4 PETER: -&ery annoyed. + #an/t mo&e o&er any more, and sto" hitting me% What/s the matter with yo 5 'ERR(: ;o yo want to hear the story5 -P n#hes Peter/s arm again%. PETER: -flabbergasted. +/m not so s re4 + #ertainly don/t want to be " n#hed in the arm% 'ERR(: -" n#hes Peter/s arm again. 6i!e that5 PETER: Sto" it% What/s the matter with yo 5 'ERR(: +/m #ra0y, yo bastard% PETER: That isn/t f nny% 'ERR(: 6isten to me, Peter% + want this ben#h% (o go sit on the ben#h o&er there, and if yo /re good +/ll tell yo the rest of the story% PETER: -fl stered. , t %%% what e&er for5 What is the matter with yo 5 ,esides, + see no reason why + sho ld gi&e " this ben#h% + sit on this ben#h almost e&ery S nday afternoon, in good weather% +t/s se#l ded here) there/s ne&er anyone sitting here, so + ha&e it all to myself% 'ERR(: -softly. 9et off this ben#h, Peter) + want it% PETER: -almost whining.: *o% 'ERR(: + said + want this ben#h, and +/m going to ha&e it% *ow get o&er there% PETER: Peo"le #an/t ha&e e&erything they want% (o sho ld !now that) it/s a r le) "eo"le #an ha&e some of the things they want, b t they #an/t ha&e e&erything% 'ERR(: -la ghs. +mbe#ile4 (o /re slow$witted4 PETER: Sto" that4 'ERR(: (o /re a &egetable4 9o lie down on the gro nd% PETER: -intense. *ow yo listen to me% +/&e " t " with yo all afternoon% 'ERR(: *ot really% PETER: 63*9 E*3@9H% +/&e " t " with yo long eno gh% +/&e listened to yo be#a se yo seemed %%% well, be#a se + tho ght yo wanted to tal! to somebody% 'ERR(: (o " t things well) e#onomi#ally, and, yet %%% oh, what is the word + want to " t : sti#e to yo r %%% 'ES@S, yo ma!e me si#! %%% get off here and gi&e me my ben#h% PETER: 1( ,E*CH4 'ERR(: -" shes Peter almost, b t not < ite, off the ben#h. 9et o t of my sight% +

PETER: -regaining his "osition. 9od da %%% mn yo % That/s eno gh4 +/&e had eno gh of yo % + will not gi&e " this ben#h) yo #an/t ha&e it, and that/s that% *ow, go away% -'ERR( snorts b t does not mow%. 9o away, + said% -'ERR( does not mo&e%. 9et away from here% +f yo don/t mo&e on %%% yo /re a b m %%% that/s what yo are%%%% +f yo don/t mo&e on, +/ll get a "oli#eman here and ma!e yo go% -'ERR( la ghs, stays%. + warn yo , +/ll #all a "oli#eman% 'ERR(: -softly. (o won/t find a "oli#eman aro nd here) they/re all o&er on the west side of the "ar! #hasing fairies down from trees or o t of the b shes% That/s all they do% That/s their f n#tion% So s#ream yo r head off) it won/t do yo any good% PETER: P36+CE4 + warn yo , +/ll ha&e yo arrested% P36+CE4 -Pa se%. + said P36+CE4 -Pa se%. + feel ridi# lo s% 'ERR(: (o loo! ridi# lo s: a grown man s#reaming for the "oli#e on a bright S nday afternoon in the "ar! with nobody harming yo % +f a "oli#eman did fill his < ota and #ome sl dging o&er this way he/d "robably ta!e yo in as a n t% PETER: -with disg st and im"oten#e.: 9reat 9od, + : st #ame here to read, and now yo want me to gi&e " the ben#h% (o /re mad% 'ERR(: Hey, + got news for yo , as they say% +/m on yo r "re#io s ben#h, and yo /re ne&er going to ha&e it for yo rself again% PETER: -f rio s. 6oo!, yo ) get off my ben#h% + don/t #are if it ma!es any sense or not% + want this ben#h to myself) + want yo 3FF +T 4 'ERR( -mo#!ing.: Aw %%% loo! who/s mad% PETER: 9ET 3@T 4 'ERR(: *o% PETER: + WAR* (3@ 4 'ERR(: ;o yo !now how ridi# lo s yo loo! now 5 PETER: -his f ry and self$#ons#io sness ha&e "ossessed him. +t doesn/t matter% -He is almost #rying%. 9ET AWA( FR31 1( ,E*CH4 'ERR(: Why5 (o ha&e e&erything in the world yo want) yo /&e told me abo t yo r home, and yo r family, and yo r own little 0oo% (o ha&e e&erything, and now yo want this ben#h% Are these the things men fight for 5 Tell me, Peter, is this ben#h, this iron and this wood, is this yo r hono r5 +s this the thing in the world yo /d fight for 5 Can yo thin! of anything more abs rd5 PETER: Abs rd5 6oo!, +/m not going to tal! to yo abo t hono r, or e&en try to e7"lain it to yo % ,esides, it isn/t a < estion of hono r) b t e&en if it were, yo wo ldn/t nderstand% 'ERR(: -#ontem"t o sly. (o don/t e&en !now what yo /re saying, do yo 5 This is "robably the first time in yo r life yo /&e had anything more trying to fa#e than #hanging yo r #ats/ toilet bo7% St "id 4 ;on/t yo ha&e any idea, no e&en the slightest, what other "eo"le need 5 PETER: 3h, boy, listen to yo ) well, yo don/t need this ben#h% That/s for s re% 'ERR(: (es) yes, + do% PETER: -< i&ering. +/&e #ome here for years) + ha&e ho rs of great "leas re, great satisfa#tion, right here% And that/s im"ortant to a man% +/m a res"onsible "erson, and +/m a 9R3W*$@P% This is my ben#h, and yo ha&e no right to ta!e it away from me% 'ERR(: Fight for it, then% ;efend yo rself) defend yo r ben#h% PETER: (o /&e " shed me to it% 9et " and fight% 'ERR(: 6i!e a man5 PETER: -still angry. (es, li!e a man, if yo insist on mo#!ing me e&en f rther% 'ERR(: +/ll ha&e to gi&e yo #redit for one thing: yo are a &egetable, and a slightly near$sighted one, + thin! %%% PETER: THAT/S E*3@9H%%%% 'ERR(: %%% b t, yo !now, as they say on T2 all the time $ yo !now $ and + mean this, Peter, yo

ha&e a #ertain dignity) it s r"rises me %%%% PETER: ST3P4 'ERR(: -rises la0ily.: 2ery well, Peter, we/ll battle for the ben#h, b t we/re not e&enly mat#hed% -He ta!es o t and #li#!s o"en an gly$loo!ing !nife%. PETER: -s ddenly awa!ening to the reality of the sit ation. (o are mad4 (o /re star! ra&ing mad4 (3@/RE 93+*9 T3 ?+66 1E4 -, t before Peter has time to thin! what to do, 'ERR( tosses the !nife at Peter/s feet%. 'ERR(: There yo go% Pi#! it "% (o ha&e the !nife and we/ll be more e&enly mat#hed% PETER: -horrified. *o4 -'ERR( r shes o&er to Peter, grabs him by the #ollar) PETER rises) their fa#es almost to #h%. 'ERR(: *ow yo "i#! " that !nife and yo fight with me% (o fight for yo r self$res"e#t) yo fight for that goddamned ben#h% PETER: -str ggling. *o4 6et %%% let go of me4 He%%% Hel"4 'ERR(: -sla"s Peter on ea#h BfightB. (o fight, yo miserable bastard) fight for that ben#h) fight for yo r "ara!eets) fight for yo r #ats) fight for yo r two da ghters) fight for yo r wife) fight for yo r manhood, yo "atheti# little &egetable% -S"its in Peter/s fa#e. (o #o ldn/t e&en get yo r wife with a male #hild% PETER: -brea!s away, enraged. +t/s a matter of geneti#s, not manhood, yo %%% yo monster% -He darts down, "i#!s " the !nife and ba#!s of a little) breathing hea&ily%. +/ll gi&e yo one last #han#e) get o t of here and lea&e me alone4 -He holds the !nife with a firm arm, b t far in front of him, not to atta#!, b t to defend. 'ERR(: -sighs hea&ily. So be it 4 -With a r sh he #harges Peter and im"ales himself on the !nife% Tablea : For : st a moment, #om"lete silen#e, 'ERR( im"aled on the !nife at the end of Peter/s still firm arm% Then PETER s#reams, " lls away, lea&ing the !nife in 'ERR(% 'ERR( is motionless, on "oint% Then he, too, s#reams, and it m st be the so nd of an inf riated and fatally wo nded animal% With the !nife in him, he st mbles ba#! to the ben#h that Peter had ;a#ated% He #r mbles there, sitting, fa#ing Peter, his eyes wide in agony, his mo th o"en%. PETER: -whis"ering. 3h my 9od, oh my 9od, oh my 9od %%% -PETER re"eats these words many times, &ery ra"idly% 'ERR( is dying) b t now his e7"ression seems to #hange% His feat res rela7, and while his &oi#e &aries, sometimes wren#hed with "ain, for the most "art he seems remo&ed from his dying% He smiles%. 'ERR(: Than! yo , Peter% + mean that, now) than! yo &ery m #h% -PETER/S mo th dro"s o"en% He #annot mo&e) he is transfi7ed%. 3h, Peter, + was so afraid +/d dri&e yo away% -He la ghs as best he #an%. (o don/t !now how afraid + was yo /d go away and lea&e me% And now +/ll tell yo what ha""ened at the 0oo% + thin! %%% + thin! this is what ha""ened at the 0oo %%% + thin!% + thin! that while + was at the 0oo + de#ided that + wo ld wal! north %%% northerly, rather %%% ntil + fo nd yo %%% or somebody %%% and + de#ided that + wo ld tal! to yo %%% + wo ld tell yo things %%% and things that + wo ld tell yo wo ld %%% Well, here we are% (o see 5 Here we are% , t %%% + don/t !now %%% #o ld + ha&e "lanned all this5 *o %%% no, + #o ldn/t ha&e% , t + thin! + did% And now +/&e told yo what yo wanted to !now, ha&en/t +5 And now yo !now all abo t what ha""ened at the 0oo% And now yo !now what yo /ll see in yo r T2, and the fa#e + told yo abo t %%% yo remember %%% the fa#e + told yo abo t %%% my fa#e, the fa#e yo see right now% Peter %%% Peter5 %%% Peter %%% than! yo % + #ame nto yo -He la ghs, so faintly%. and yo ha&e #omforted me% ;ear Peter% PETER: -almost fainting. 3h my 9od4

'ERR(: (o /d better go now% Somebody might #ome by, and yo don/t want to be here when anyone #omes% PETER: -does not mo&e, b t begins to wee". 3h my 9od, oh my 9od% 'ERR(: -most faintly, now) he is &ery near death.: (o won/t be#oming ba#! here any more, Peter) yo /&e been dis"ossessed% (o /&e lost yo r ben#h, b t yo /&e defended yo r hono r% And Peter, +/ll tell yo something now) yo /re not really a &egetable) it/s all right, yo /re an animal% (o /re an animal, too% , t yo /d better h rry now, Peter% H rry, yo /d better go %%% see5 -'ERR( ta!es a hand!er#hief and with great effort and "ain wi"es the !nife handle #lean of finger"rints%. H rry away, Peter% -PETER begins to stagger away%. Wait %%% wait, Peter% Ta!e yo r boo! %%% boo!% Right here %%% beside me %%% on yo r ben#h %%% my ben#h, rather% Come %%% ta!e yo r boo!% -PETER starts for the boo!, b t retreats%. H rry %%% Peter% -PETER r shes to the ben#h, grabs the boo!, retreats%. 2ery good, Peter %%% &ery good% *ow %%% h rry away% -PETER hesitates for a moment, then flees, stage$left%. H rry away %%% -His eyes are #losed now%. H rry away, yo r "ara!eets are ma!ing the dinner %%% the #ats %%% are setting the table %%% PETER: -off stage, a "itif l howl. 3H 1( 93;4 'ERR(: -his eyes still #losed, he sha!es his head and s"ea!) a #ombination of s#ornf l mimi#ry and s ""li#ation. 3h %%% my %%% 9od% -He is dead%. C@RTA+*