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ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

PURPOSE: In order to understand the purpose of assertiveness training, it is necessary to understand that by your actions toward other people you show them what to think about you and how to treat you. Your actions are not only important because they affect the way others treat you. They are also connected with the way you feel about yourself. It works this way: Your feelings about yourself affect the way you come across to others, and the way they react to you then affects the way you feel about yourself. Usually the way we affect others and lead them to affect us is not planned or thought out in any way it is simply a matter of habit. The problem is that some habits in relating to other people may cause surprising or unexpected problems, including depression, guilt feelings, nervousness, tiredness, and even physical sicknesses (such as headaches, stomach problems, skin rashes, and so on). In addition you may or may not be aware of difficulty in coping with others and getting along with them, depending on the kinds of habits you have. The purpose of assertiveness training is to learn to recognize habits that may be harming you and to replace them with habits which work better for you. Assertiveness gives you a way of involving yourself with the best that is in another person, while blocking out the bad things that are in that person. Most of the habits with which assertiveness training is concerned involve behaviors which can be called passive, aggressive, or assertive. Therefore it is well to begin by explaining what these terms mean: DEFINITIONS 1. Assertive behavior behavior which involves standing up for your own interests, making your own choices, and taking responsibility for what you do, while at the same time allowing others to do these things. 2. Passive behavior behavior which involves keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself and doing nothing about situations that are important to you. Through passive behavior you may encourage others to take advantage of you, mistreat you, and/or decide what you should do, say, and think. 3. Aggressive behavior behavior which involves imposing you own ideas on others, attacking others with harsh words, using force or pressure to get what you want, and/or causing physical harm. 4. Passive-aggressive behavior a form of aggressive behavior which in some ways resembles passive behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior involves expressing anger toward others in indirect, hidden, or sneaky ways, such as pouting, being late, indirectly causing others inconvenience, or having accidents which affect others.

HOW TO BE PASSIVE 1. Let others choose for you try to do only what you imagine others would want you to do. That is, try to please others without giving fair consideration to your own wishes and feelings. 2. Do not express your true feeling unless it seems likely that others will approve or agree. 3. Avoid eye contact look down or shift you gaze off to the side. 4. Speak softly, apologize or put yourself down frequently, and let yourself be sidetracked or otherwise avoid coming directly to the point. Try to explain or justify your actions to others, even when no explanation is required by the situation. 5. Avoid taking responsibility either do nothing or base your actions on what others have said or done. Insist if necessary that you cant do things or have no choice about the way things are. 6. Do nothing to change anything, even if you have an idea as to how things could be better. 7. Give in or compromise more than you would expect others to do for you. Let others play on your sympathy, or use guilt or embarrassment against you, to achieve what they want. React to other peoples anger by giving up your own point of view and trying to get on their good side. CONSEQUENCES OF PASSIVE BEHAVIOR 1. For you loss of self respect and confidence, hurt feelings, and a sense of being trapped or otherwise unable to do anything about the things that bother you. You may also find that others tend to treat you badly or ignore your feelings, because passive behavior actually encourages others to do this. For example, when you give excuses to a person who is being critical of you, you provide that person with additional material to use against you (that is, by twisting what you say, and/or questioning the excuse). Similarly, when you always give in to another persons wishes, you teach him to ignore yours; and , when you seek approval for your behavior, you make the other person an authority on what you should do. 2. For others makes others take responsibility for you and for whatever happens in relating to you. For example, they may feel guilty for failing to consider your feelings, not doing things for you, or taking advantage of you. In other cases, they may treat you as a helpless person and make themselves responsible for taking care of you. This may be an advantage in some ways, but it usually creates problems in the relationship. In some cases others may feel deceived by your dishonesty in hiding your true feelings, especially if your later actions show that you have misled them. These kinds of problems may sooner or later lead others to ignore, avoid, or show a lack of respect for you.

HOW TO BE AGGRESSIVE 1. Try to choose for others decide what others should do, say, think, or feel, and impose your will by force or pressure of one kind or another. 2. Try to prevent others from expressing their thoughts and feelings. Twist and distort what others say to make it fit with your point of view. 3. Glare at others in a hostile way, trying to stare them down. 4. Speak loudly, engage in name calling, be sarcastic, remind others of past mistakes or failures, make frequent accusations and threats, sidetrack others, and generally show a lack of respect for others as persons. Try to make others feel weak, embarrassed, or guilty so that you can gain the upper hand. 5. Try to make yourself look big by showing that you can overpower, outwit, or hurt others. Continue to push the issue long after you have made your point or otherwise create more disturbance than is necessary to make your point. 6. Demand more from others than you would be willing to give in return. 7. Blame others for what you do or for anything that goes wrong. CONSEQUENCES OF AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR 1. For yourself aggressive behavior leads to open conflict and angry feelings toward others, possible guilt feelings, and a need to depend on force in dealing with others. You may at times achieve what you want through aggressive behavior, but often this will not work, especially over a long period of time. Your experiences with other people are likely to be negative, because your aggressiveness leads others to be aggressive or passive-aggressive toward you, or to reject and avoid you. People are likely to go behind your back and hide things from you. By insisting on having your way you get more than your share of the blame for what happens, whether or not you admit it if you do not accept the blame, you may then have to use even more aggression to defend yourself against being blamed. In this way you may come to have an even stronger need to depend on aggressive behavior. You may also need to lie to yourself in order to avoid negative feelings. For all of these reasons aggressive behavior leads to emotional problems in many cases. 2. For others aggressive behavior hurts others and forces them to stay on guard against you. It prevents them from feeling free from expressing thoughts and feelings. Aggressive behavior may cause others to lose self respect or to feel guilty, especially when it involves accusing them of wrongdoing, reminding them of past failures or mistakes, embarrassing them, or leading them to be aggressive or dishonest.

HOW TO BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE 1. Express anger toward others or try to impose your wishes on them while seemingly not meaning to do so or having no choice in the matter. 2. Express your feelings indirectly, leaving it to others to get the message without your having to say it openly for example, show your displeasure by pouting. Try to prevent others from expressing their feelings. You can do this by pretending to mean no harm when making hostile remarks, or you can use the presence of other people to prevent the target person from making an issue of what you say (when it would embarrass them to make a scene, etc.). 3. Fail to get things done or do them poorly. Be late often, or just at the wrong time. Have accidents that affect others, or interfere with others while seemingly just doing your job or trying to be helpful. 4. Offer unwanted gifts or help which irritates others or unnecessarily make them feel they owe you something. 5. Avoid responsibility for example, seek the advice of help of others and then politely find fault with it, or imply that they are causing you to make mistakes. 6. Pretend to give in or compromise, while trying to get what you want by playing the others persons guilt of sympathy. 7. Be much nicer than you really feel. CONSEQUENCES OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR 1. For yourself feelings of being misunderstood or unfairly treated by others, loss of confidence and self respect, and frequent failure to achieve what you want. When you do achieve what you want, it may be spoiled by the fact that others have become angry or upset in the process. You may tend to experience frequent guilt feelings. 2. For others uncomfortable, guilty, or angry feelings which may lead them to avoid or reject you. 3. Depending on the specific situations and behavior involved, passive-aggressive behavior may have many of the same consequences as purely aggressive or passive behavior.

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE 1. Make your own choices and allow others to make theirs. 2. Express your thoughts and feelings openly, honestly, and without apology, and encourage others to do so as well. 3. Maintain eye contact steadily, shifting your gaze only occasionally to avoid starting. 4. Speak in a firm but polite manner. Come directly to the point and stick to it patiently and calmly until it has been fully recognized. Do not allow yourself to be sidetracked. 5. Take full responsibility for your own actions. This point includes taking full credit for what you do that is good, and willingly recognizing your mistakes. 6. Be willing to compromise within reason, but not at the expense of your basic rights as a person. You can usually tell how much to give by asking yourself what you would expect of another person in your position, if the circumstances were reversed. Do not allow others to use guilt, force, or embarrassment against you or play on your sympathy to gain unfair advantage. 7. When there is a need to take action, do it. CONSEQUENCES OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR 1. For yourself assertive behavior tends to result in good feelings about yourself and others, increased self confidence, and a sense of being free to shape your own life. Others are likely to treat you better than they otherwise might, because assertive behavior encourages people to treat you well. Usually you achieve what you want, though sometimes it is necessary to compromise or simply to accept that you cannot have what you want. Usually emotional problems can be over come or reduced to some extent by learning and practicing assertive behavior. 2. For others assertive behavior leaves others free to express their thoughts and feelings, encourages them to be honest with you, and fosters their confidence and self respect. They may be made temporarily uncomfortable in some cases, however. Some people who are very psychologically disturbed or rigid may never truly accept your right to be yourself, but being assertive usually works out better than giving in or being drawn into aggressive conflicts. 3. All behavior involves the risk that someone may disapprove. However, in the case of assertive behavior you accept this risk openly instead of attempting to avoid it (through passive or passive-aggressive behavior) or to cover it up by silencing others (through aggressive behavior). Assertiveness involves accepting, and acting on, the principle that you do not always have to have the good will of others in order to cope with them. Usually this attitude sooner or later leads others to accept and respect you even when they disagree with you. You are especially able to win peoples respect and good feelings if you express yourself in a way that is warm and accepting in spite of differences of opinion.

ASSERTIVE WORD CHOICE It is usually preferable to avoid words like should, ought, and cant. When you wish to state an opinion or preference, begin your sentence with I. In this way you take responsibility for the opinion or request. You also avoid sounding like you are avoiding the issue (passive behavior). On the other hand, you avoid unnecessarily putting the other person on the defensive (aggressive behavior). Here are some examples of passive, aggressive, and assertive word choices: A. Passive They say its hard to do it that way. Aggressive You ought to have better sense than that. Assertive I dont think thats the best way to do it. B. Passive I should know, but Ive been too tired to read much lately. Aggressive You really ask stupid questions. Assertive I dont know. C. Passive I cant do this. Aggressive Dont you care about other people? You ought to be helping instead of sitting there like an idiot. Assertive I need your help with this. SOME SPECIFIC ASSERTIVE SKILLS There are some general rules which will help you to make good use of the methods described in this section: 1) Stay in the present, not bringing up past of future events; 2) be patient take the attitude that you have plenty of time to make your point and can hold you ground as long as you need to; 3) at the same time, dont waste words state your position as simply and briefly as possible; and 4) keep in mind the issue who is responsible for the problems, feelings, and actions involved in any given situation. Avoid trying to control or be responsible for any but you own. The following are some specific skills that are useful in being assertive: 1. Repeating sticking to your point by calmly repeating your wishes or preferences over and over again as long as necessary in order to make your point. This skill allows you to avoid getting sidetracked or outtalked without having to plan strategies for making your point. You dont have to think about what to have to say next, so youre never at a loss for words. 2. Hearing Without Agreeing a way of showing that you understand what is being said while openly remaining your own judge of the situation. Hearing Without Agreeing involves saying one of two sentences, filling in the word that fits what the person is saying. The two sentences are: 1) I dont like (what youre doing, this pressure, etc.) 2) I want you to stop(judging me, twisting what I say, making rules for me, etc.)

An advantage of this method is that it is simpler than most, and yet it is more varied than repeating. You can react to the things said without saying anything that can be used against you.

3. Basic Confronting coping with aggressive behavior by emphasizing your own position and/or drawing attention to the aggressive behavior itself. By doing this you show that you do not accept the way the other person is setting up the situation. Basic confronting allows you to make it clear that you are free to approach the situation in your own way and that you are not responsible for the other persons feelings, ideas, or action any more than he is responsible for yours. The simplest form of Basic Confronting involves completing one of two sentences: 1) I dont like(what youre doing, this pressure, etc.) 2. I want you to stop(judging me, twisting what I say, making rules for me, etc.) There are some other forms of Basic Confronting that you can use to deal with certain types of aggressive behavior. Here is a list of some types of aggressive behavior and examples of Basic Confronting that could be used to deal with each: 1) Hostile questions: Im not willing to be questioned that way. 2) Accusations or efforts to make you feel guilty: Im content with what Im doing, or I wont let you play on my guilt. 3) Threats which cannot be ignored: I wont be swayed by threats, or I realize you may decide to do that. 4) Twisting the facts or putting words in your mouth: NoWhat I am saying isetc. 5) Second guessing (I told you so, You should have known, etc.): I dont think it helps any that you told me so or I dont see any value in saying that I should have known, and/or Theres always a risk making mistakes, regardless of whose advice you take, and I intend to keep using my own judgment. 6) Making fun of your ideas: I wish you would be more tactful when you disagree with me. If the other person continues after you have expressed one or more of the ideas in this section, it may help to say Thats it, what youre doing now, I want you to stop. 4. Acknowledgement a way of showing that you understand and accept what the other person is saying to you while remaining free to express your own wishes and feelings or to be neutral if you prefer. This skill involves repeating the basic message or feeling you get from the other person, or otherwise indicating you understand, and continuing to do this for as long as necessary in order to show that you do understand. At some time you may wish to state your own position, but you need not in order to acknowledge what is being said. By using this method to let others know you understand them, you may often avoid unnecessary conflict or reduce the intensity of conflict which does occur.

Example: You respond to your mothers complaint that you dont call her often enough by saying, Youd like me to call more often, or You seem to have hurt feeling. As she continues to express her feelings, you respond with remarks such as I see what you mean, or even with silence, or with um.hmm responses. At times it may helpful to ask questions in order to make things clear. If it seems necessary or desirable to express your own views, then do so in a direct, straightforward manner for example, Id rather you call me when you want to talk. I prefer not to feel obligated, and thats how Ill feel if I promise to call more often. 5. Admission a way of accepting your own mistakes and weaknesses without devaluing yourself as a person. This skill openly admitting your mistake or weakness, while limiting what you say to the specific problem at hand. That is, you do not go on to draw any overall conclusions about yourself or to compare yourself with others. Example: Im sorry I did that I realize it was the wrong thing to do. Not I cant do anything right, or Anybody could do better than that.

If there is some reasonable thing you can do to correct the situation, indicate that you plan to do so and then do it. But avoid making sweeping promises about the future, such as saying that you will never do anything like this again. Sweeping promises are best avoided because they have the effect of making your mistake an open subject instead of something that can be dismissed. 6. Problem Finding simply asking another person when you believe there is a problem that has not been brought out into the open. Problem finding includes asking about things someone may not like about you. Examples: I get the feeling youre unhappy about something. I wonder if youre mad at me about something.

Once the other person answers you, you can go on to use Acknowledgement to bring out further information about the problem. Once you understand completely, it is a matter of your own judgment to decide what if anything needs to be done. 7. Positive Assertion a way of crediting yourself and accepting compliments without appearing conceited. As in the case of Admission, you limit what you say to the situation at hand and avoid comparing yourself with others. Examples: Thanks, I really enjoyed doing that. Thanks, I was really pleased myself. Im really happy with the way I handled .etc.

8. Expressing Anger the assertive approach to any emotion is to express it openly and honestly and this is just as true in case of anger as with other emotions. The manner of expression distinguishes the assertion of anger from aggression. The keys to the assertive approach are 1) taking responsibility for your feeling (for example, I am angry instead of You are inconsiderate), and 2) pushing your point only as far as necessary to have it acknowledged. When you first become aware of feeling angry it may be necessary to get the other persons attention by saying something like No, Stop, or Wait a minute. Then begin by expressing your feeling in a direct, simple, and controlled manner. It is helpful to identify the specific cause of your anger and to indicate what, if anything, you require now in order to be satisfied. It is often useful to shorten this by simply saying what you want, wait for the other persons reaction in order to find out whether you need to say anything more. Be prepared to accept the other persons apology, compromise, or explanation if a good one is offered, or continue to press your point if necessary. This approach will usually square with your true feelings pretty well if you do not wait too long and allow your anger to build up and if you avoid blowing the issue up out of proportion. The latter problem can be avoided to some extent by beginning as if you expect the other person to be willing to respect your point of view. Examples: Im getting angry about the way you take my things without asking. Im really furious that youve come in and turned on the TV so loud. I want to sleep, so if youre going to watch it, I want you to turn it down so I cant hear it in the bedroom. I dont like the way youre criticizing me. Instead I wish youd just go over it with me step by step until I know how to do it right.

When you dont know why youre angry or realize your anger doesnt fit the situation, it may be helpful to ask for a cooling off period so that you can get over it and/or have time to figure out the cause of your anger and to decide what needs to be done. Example: Im feeling very irritable. Id like to be left alone for a while so I can clear my head.

Sometimes it is possible to build up an understanding in your relationship with another person so that this kind of approach is not necessary. In this kind of relationship youre intent is clear in spite of aggressive words or actions. A major advantage of the approach describe her is that it does not require so much understanding on the part of the other person in order to be effective. It is suggested that you avoid getting pulled into a long argument when using this method. If a person continues to do what angers you and/or to argue in spite of what you say, you may then choose to do one of four things: 1. Content yourself with the fact that you have expressed your feelings. Close the discussion with something like, Ive told you how I feel, and thats all I have to say about it.

2. Announce that you would like to give the other person time to think about what you have said in the hope that, after a cooing off period, it will later be possible to talk about the issue in a positive way. For example, you could say I want to give you some time to think about this; lets drop it for now and pick it up later. 3. Offer a positive incentive or compromise. This approach involves statements such as, If youll go along with me on this, I will etc. If you use this approach be careful to offer only what is fair and reasonable for you otherwise you will encourage the other person to use aggressive behavior against you in order to get you to give in. In other words, offering a positive incentive or compromise is a form of being passive if it is overdone. 4. Let it be known that you plan to take some action (such as refusing to do something, pressing legal charges, etc.) if the other person fails to cooperate with you. In using this method you can begin by saying something like I wont accept this; I will have to do something myself if you wont try to improve the situation. If you choose to take this approach it is best to mention only those actions you can actually carry out and then do so if necessary. In this way you establish that you mean what you say and must be taken seriously. The risk of this approach is that I may lead to a kind of battle in which each person responds to the other in ever more aggressive ways. Therefore it is recommended that you use this approach in those extreme cases when it is absolutely necessary, after first trying milder methods. 9. I Statement it is usually best to start a sentence with the work I when you are expressing you feelings or suggesting an answer to a problem. The reasoning behind this is explained in the section on Assertive Word Choice. Examples: I like the way youre doing your hair now. I suggest we take turns instead of trying to do it together.

COPING WITH PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR In order for passive-aggressive behavior to be effective against you, you must cooperate, either by overreacting, changing you behavior, or letting it work on you without feeling free to say anything. You can avoid playing by the rules and accordingly discourage passive-aggressive behavior by 1) not changing your behavior, 2) asking a question to bring out what is happening and/or 3) calmly pointing out what youve noticed and expressing your own ideas about the situation. For example, you may respond to a sneaky hostile remark by asking What is your point? and then, if necessary, saying I get the feeling youre angry about somethingetc. to show how it sounded to you. Humor is good for situations like this if you can think of something that fits, but you cant always think of something. A good rule to use, either with humor or with a direct approach, is to turn the spotlight on the other person instead of trying to defend yourself.

A particularly passive-aggressive behavior is the effort to obligate you through gifts, practical help, or loving expression of feeling. You have only the following obligations in cases like this: 1) to repay favors in practical ways that seem fair to you, 2) to show a reasonable amount of respect for the other persons feelings, and 3) to avoid giving any false impressions about what the other person can expect from you in return for gifts or favors. You are not obligated to feel any certain way, and you keep the right to choose how and when to repay any favors or gifts you decide to accept. An assertive response in cases like this could involve statements like the following: 1) Favors: Im willing to repay the favor, but not in the way you are asking now. 2) Gifts: I appreciated the gift, but I took it with the idea that there were no strings attached, and I still feel that way. 3) Expressions of feeling: I accept your feelings, but that doesnt mean I will necessarily do what you say. CHOOSING NOT TO BE ASSERTIVE There is no single approach that fits all people in all situations, and this point applies to the assertive approach. In some cases passive or aggressive behavior may be best, depending upon the situation and what you wish to accomplish. It remains necessary to use your own judgment to decide this issue. The next sections give some information that will help in situations that cant be handled best by assertive behavior. WHEN AND HOW TO USE PASSIVE BEHAVIOR Passive behavior can be best when: 1) You want to wait until you have a better opportunity to act, or until there is a lower risk of ham to yourself. 2) You want to let something slide because the issue is not important to you, or because you need energy for something else that is more important. The point is that it is not necessary to make an issue of everything that comes up. 3) You decide to be passive as an act of kindness to a weaker person. The last case is especially tricky, because sometimes people use weakness to gain the upper hand. If you find yourself giving in to someones weakness very often, you need to change the way you deal with this person in order to avoid the problems that go with passive behavior. In all three cased and in general, the best results to be had from passive behavior are gained when you dont use it often. When you do decide to use passive behavior, it is important to do it in a self-respecting way. This is, avoid unnecessary apologies or negative comments about yourself. Within your own mind, keep the attitude that you are choosing, not giving up. Dont allow your attitude towards yourself to be shaped by your outer actions in any given situation. When choosing to be passive, dont allow the spotlight to be on yourself any more than necessary; just let things happen without actively involving yourself in any way. This kind of passive behavior is just staying within yourself, not inviting abuse or drawing negative attention to yourself.

WHEN AND HOW TO USE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR Aggressive behavior can be best when: 1) Youre dealing with persons who respect force and nothing else. 2) You need to call attention to a problem very quickly or forcefully in order to avoid being ignored or after other methods have failed. Sometimes the shock of aggressive behavior is needed when calmer methods make no impression. When you choose for any reason to be aggressive, you can avoid some of the problems that often go with aggressive behavior by keeping your goal in mind and using only as much aggression as you need in order to achieve your goal. Aim your aggression at the other persons action instead of saying anything about yourself, and stick to the present situation as much as possible. Like passive behavior, aggressive behavior is most effective and least harmful when not used often. If you use it often, you will be lead to depend upon it, and it will be harmful to your relationships with other people. Example: You have a free-loading relative staying with you, and this person shows no signs of either leaving or sharing expenses, although he could do so if he tried. After trying milder methods you say Get out right now and dont ever come around free-loading again. If the person doesnt leave, you either physically throw him out or have the police to do so.

WHEN AND HOW TO USE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR Passive-aggressive behavior can be best when: 1) You need a quiet way of dealing with another persons aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior. 2) You cant afford to come out in the open, but passive behavior will not take care of the situation. As with aggressive behavior, it is best to use passive-aggressive behavior very sparingly and to aim it at the specific problem at hand. Example: Your bosss favorite seems to be taking credit for something you actually did yourself. In this situation you say something that brings out the truth without openly challenging the other person or calling attention to the situation in an obvious way.

COMBINING METHODS There are four basic kinds of assertive methods: 1) Confrontive methods allow you to interrupt aggressive behavior in a forceful way. 2) Holding methods allow you to hold your ground without stirring things up any more than necessary. 3) Accepting methods allow you to show genuine understanding and to be fair to the other persons needs and feelings. 4) Expressive methods allow you to express your own feelings openly and respectfully. Confrontive methods include Basic Confronting and Expressing Anger. Holding methods include Repeating and Hearing without Agreeing. Accepting methods include Acknowledgement, Admission, and Problem Finding. Expressive methods include I Statements and Positive Assertion. The idea when combining methods is to use confrontive and holding methods only as much as you need to in order to deal with aggressive behavior. When you are ready to solve problems and agree on things, accepting and expressive methods are best. In other word, confrontive and holding methods are used to discourage aggressive behavior and set the stage for positive problem solving. Sometimes accepting methods can also be used in order to encourage a positive response. If this does not work, it still is possible to use confrontive and holding methods after you have given the accepting methods a try. An example will show how the methods can be combined: Person 1: You can forget about going to your mothers. Im not putting up with that phony old battle axe this weekend. I get really annoyed when you put her down that way. Youre more interested in your mother than you are in me. So you feel left out when we go to my mothers? Dont give me that stuff. You just never are going to grow up and cut the apron strings. I want you to stop putting me down.

(Aggressive Behavior)

Person 2:

(Expressing Anger)

Person 1:

(Less Aggressive)

Person 2:

(Acknowledgement)

Person 1:

(Aggressive Behavior) (Basic Confronting)

Person 2:

Person 1:

Well, I just get so bored when we go down there. I understand; there isnt much for you to do there. I really do want to go. if youll go with me, we can take off Saturday afternoon and do whatever you like.

(Less Aggressive)

Person 2:

(Acknowledgement) (I Statement)

(Problem Solving)

THE PROCESS OF BECOMING ASSERTIVE A considerable amount of practice is normally required in order to use the assertive methods confidently and well. Accordingly, you are advised not to rush yourself into any effort to use them before you are ready. Assertiveness training sessions will allow you the opportunity to learn the methods well and to determine when you are ready to begin putting them to use in your everyday life. Also, remember that becoming assertive involves retraining the people who know you about how to relate to you. At first they will usually expect you to behave as you have in the past, and it is therefore likely that you will need to be especially patient and work harder at it at first until they have had a chance to get used to what you are doing. It will become easier to be assertive once you have made it a habit and others have gotten used to thinking of you that way. SOME BASIC RIGHTS You have the right to be the sole judge of yourself, to govern your own actions, and to express your thoughts and feelings in the ways that seem best to you. This right is matched by the obligation to grant others the same right and to take full responsibility for whatever you do. Both you and others have the following rights: 1. You do not have to give reasons or excuses for your behavior. 2. You have the right to disagree with others and to question rules or authorities. 3. You have the right to decide when and how much you wish to be helpful to others. 4. You have the right to make mistakes and decide for yourself what, if anything, ought to be done about them. 5. You have the right to change your mind. 6. You have the right to say I dont know, I dont care, or I dont understand. 7. You have the right to accept and to say what you consider worthwhile about yourself and others.

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