This is a work of fiction.

Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Starchild
by Matthew Temple clownfysh.com Things were spinning and we were doing high-fives in the air to note our balance. The table was spinning. The seat part of it was. The table part stayed still. Then I was slowing down and there was barely a wobble to my movements. We were crossing the street and this girl from the movies came by, a child star, and she had red hair, and she was wearing maternity clothes, overalls, and when she got knocked to the ground shit came out of her and sprayed all up her back. Then she shit some more and chunks of it were everywhere, covering her like chili, and my friends wanted to leave her but I said, !ook, here, we have to clean her off." So we went into this alley where there was a hose and she took her clothes off. #nd I took my clothes off, too, to make her feel comfortable, and I held her hair off her forehead while I sprayed her, and we were gradually getting the shit off when the $ostling of holding her got my dick hard, and she said, !ook, your dick is hard." #nd I said, Well if you $ostle around like we have been then my dick is bound to get hard. It%s bound to do that." #nd she started pushing it down below her pregnant belly, to her vagina, and she rubbed me on her, and then she put me inside the four inches that was left of her pussy and we fucked. &o you think she was $ust teasing me with her chili face' &o you think that' She was the child star of her generation, face as recogni(able as a )ampbell%s soup can. She had rubbed me on the soft part inside her, and it was the smoothest, that smoothest feeling for skin, wet and s*ueaky like soap suds, and you could cum right there, anywhere, she was fucking down as good as she could because she was pregnant and I got into it, washing off her face at the same time with the hose, cleaning that shit right off of her. It was around her eyes, underneath her mouth, all up her back. I sprayed the hose right in her face. She said, Isn%t this great, you can%t get me pregnant.". #nd I thought about her as a girl, and how she was $ust a girl to begin with, not yet old enough to have babies, but she was. #nd I wondered who the other father was. I fucked her tight pussy style. #lmost came in her, then decided not to at the last minute. I might decide that at any time. I might decide not to cum. I might decide freak destroyer in apathy with side guns on the port bow. +rowsing. They were viewing us through windows. #nd each window was a slit of the tower, and it shone down upon us. #nd there was glory. )hunks of shit running down the drain in the alley, brown running down your legs as I fuck you. #nd we drew lines on a piece of paper to represent where the sun shone down through the window slits, and they shone to one central place on the floor. This alley with shit girl was only one of many being watched at the same time by the tower. Signal strength. They were watching the shit drain from between

her legs and us attempting to fuck with her pregnant vagina. ,agina-. Illustration number one. )hild star. &elin*uent. .ucking because $ostling made the dick hard. /ostling will do that. 0ou have noted the dick as we have mentioned. 1er back is to the camera, they want a better view but none is available. Maybe if he turns around, he could $ostle her into a new position. +ut that baby is far along, and we%re seeing new potential of childbirth in this shit alley. What if she has it here' Will the cameras follow her and her new screaming baby with the umbilical' When she has her baby will it have red hair' 2rose is the highest technology available for narrating consciousness. We use prose all the time here. In daily reports. The camera is used for spotting. .or summari(ing, prose is best. We make love to prose, make it serve us and it serves us. 3h yes. 2rose is written across the faces of our screens, scratched into the plastic in some cases. We watch the images through the words. The. /ostling. &ick. Take me from a different angle. #nnounce it to her4 T#-5 1IM .63M # &I..5657T #78!5." The announcement was made. They%re $ostling around, barefoot, trying to get her face to the camera so we can see her when she cums. &on%t slip on the shit floor9 Where did his friends go' They are still waiting outside the alley, for him to clean her up, so they can go on their way. +ut he is obsessed with the child star. To possess her like this, cleaning the shit off of her, fucking her shallow pussy, holding and $ostling and being in tune with that red hair. #nd she likes him too, they were made for each other. )ue the music. If she had never shit her pants this wouldn%t have happened. If, when she hit the ground, she hadn%t shit all up her back, this wouldn%t have happened. It took her shitting herself at $ust the right moment on the concrete and him wanting to stop and clean her up. &on%t think about literary agents. &on%t think about that right now. 1ow they never respond, how they%re always talking about their list." &on%t think of them right now. Write the book about shit girl on camera, write those words. !eave the (ippers e:posed and never wallow in a seam. It is uncovered. 0ou see from the tapestry side. #ll wild strings. There is a wall of cameras. Shit girl doesn%t have a name. 0ou%ve known child stars like her, consuming everyone%s attention with their cuteness, growing into se:uality on the screen, we can all see as you%ve probably had your first e:perience, then as you grow into an addict, we%re all there with that, holding your heads in our arms and wiping off the shit. With a hose. Wiping off the shit with a hose. #nd you put my dick down there, wiping it on the smooth part and getting me inside you, and we fuck that last four inches. 2eriod. I placed a period at the end of the sentence. There is theme music in some of the alleyways, special music. Substructure-. Micropod;. 3nce I get all the shit cleaned off of you I%m going to take a big shit right in this alley. Will you clean me up' +randish the hose while your pregnant belly is bouncing now on mine and you sit and s*uirm. 3pen. 8irl. 1ole. +reak and s*uirm. )andy at center of wood. That%s a magnetic poem I wrote twenty years ago. I still remember, $ust like I remember the soft place where I put it. We were twelve. 0ou put in an 5nya cassette and we fucked. It was so easy to cum back then. The medication makes it hard. 0ou can never *uite get there. So we all fuck to no completion, $ust remembering how it used to be when we could cum. She can%t cum either9 She takes it too. That%s twelve types of medication,

from 6eginald- to +ombs*uad8 from #ching; to Mitigating5, all the way down to ,agina;, which causes a tiny nonfunctional vagina to appear on your forehead. 0ou can%t even kiss it properly, it%s decoration-only, but it%s beautiful. ,agina- is the child star%s vagina. Screens are labeled for completeness. 6efer to the labels in your prose. Skip a sentence. That is a trick. Think of a sentence you want to write, then think of the ne:t sentence after that, and write that one, the ne:t sentence. When we fucked to 5nya it started out with backrubs. +ack in those days. 7ow we $ust hose you off and your fumbling sticky fingers put tab # into slot +, then we soap-suds back and forth a little, don%t cum, and call it a day. When she was fucking me from the top she was heavy, with that pregnant belly, but she still looked like the child star, she was like !olita in the last chapter, with-child but still a child, e:cept this child star was really a child, eight or nine. Shit on her like chili. 1ave we e:hausted that theme enough' Should we stop' I know you like the shit child. It has become a fantasy for you, something to think about when you masturbate. Some children the other day were tweeting their masturbation, I was hanging on every letter. Tweeted some of my own. Sitting on me with that tight pussy. I could hardly move9 1er hips were twisting and the pregnant belly pushed me down hard on the tiles of the alleyway. I was lying in her shit chunks, they had gotten in my hair now, while she was mostly clean from my scrubbing and I never had any notion that it might be wrong to fuck this nine-year-old, she was a child star, it was ok. She grew up around this, they become adult more faster when they grow up in 1ollywood. It%s hard to keep them a child when they%re growing up that way, in front of the camera. The angles were perfect now, the monitors could see the degenerate and the child star fucking lavishly, pee-pee-ing back and forth with their pee parts. 6eginald- ad$usts the glass. 1e is high-enough ranking to send announcements. -552 .<)-I78. 03<6 T15M5S #65 833&. 03<6 #78!5S #65 833&. /<ST -552 .<)-I78 1IM. !I5 +#)-. !5T 156 M#-5 03< )<M. T1#T%S 6I81T. )<M I7 156 255-255 13!5. W5%!! 65/3I7 03< I7 # MI7<T5." #nd 6eginald- went to monitor other stations. I was $ust looking up into her face and wondering how I got so lucky. The tile was cold on my back, and a traditional description almost s*ueaked in there. I don%t think so. +ut the tiles were cold, you have to know and there%s no way to get around traditional narration here. The tiles were cold, and shit chunks moored like ships in little puddles of water. # traditional description has been introduced. I am $ust typing everything I think. I have been invaded by cameras from the psych ward, they are with me in my room, they have given me medicine that will allow them to track me, they have invaded my mind. I don%t really think that I%m $ust playing. 7ever was schi(ophrenic. There were sweat stains on my pants, right near the elbows. &o you ever write fake things in your $ournals, so that when they come along behind you there will be misinformation there' I do that. I want to have some fun with the archivists. They never got to fuck in shit stains. 1er shit was reddish, like her hair, I wondered if they made it like that on purpose. It bubbled out of her, half-li*uid, half-solid, reddish-brown rocks. +ubbled right out of her ass. I cupped it in my hands, was tempted to drink from it, smelled it though. Sprayed it off her face. 8ot her all clean and ready to go back to the movies. +ut she was

nice enough to stay on camera with me and fuck for a while. I think she liked it. My small penis was perfect for her eight-year-old vag. In the end she invited me with some free passes for her movie set, for cleaning the shit off of her, and I thought of us being lovers forever, I would get to fuck inside her eight-year-old mouth and finally someday cum inside her in the soft places, the s*ueaky places, the soap-suds places. My fantasy was large. In it she gave birth to that baby and fucked me with her skinny self. #nd that%s when I could truly fuck her butt, wiping off $ust the tiniest clings of shit, a memory from our meeting day. The announcer told her to get me off but all we could do was pathetically s*uirm, being cum-less due to our medication. In my fantasy we got off our meds and came wildly, hard cums. &ecisive cums. It reminded me of some people from my youth, people that should%ve got fucked sooner. 7ow was the chance to make up for all that, see' I had it perfect in my mind. The turtle-head of my penis kept shrouding down to cover the tip and I would sneak my hand inside my pants to right it. S*uee(e the turtle-head back up, let the tip breathe. It was annoying how it kept falling down in my old age=I was falling apart. 5ight-year-old vag. Then I was getting cold sweats and the image of her in her first movies kept washing over me, I saw her riding a horse, $oking with her on-screen parents. #ll I had to do to make her mine was wash her, care enough that she fell on the concrete and that she had secreted shit out of her anus that she needed cleaning up=and then she shit again9 6eally if you want to know the truth, the color is what drew me to it. If she had shat brown then I would have left her there on that sidewalk and run off with my friends. +ut that red coloration, I was sold. 1ad to find that hose. 8et her naked. Shrug off those overalls. 8et that shirt up over your head. Then she was coated with it, coated. !ike she had shit up the side of her face and her belly and back and everywhere. Scrub-a-dub-dub9 7othing a little industrial-strength hose won%t fi:. )lose your eyes9 Washing clean.f Seeing you.f .ucking you.f Those are programmatic functions, learn them. 6efer to them in prose and you can activate parts of the matri:. .ucking.f S*ueaking soap suds.f I love the s*ueaking soap suds part of se:, you know when it is $ust the right amount of tight and you s*ueak with each other, due to her soap suds, I love that part. I%m gonna be talking about soap suds forever, so be warned. I%ve done it in books prior to this one and I%ll be doing it in books after this one. 0ou should repeat yourself. +ecause you%re you. #nd if you never repeated a thing, you wouldn%t be recogni(able as you. We have to have some parts repeating so we know the thing is itself. So I choose to repeat myself here, simple as that. 0ou might wonder what the point is of talking about shit this much. The point is that is what I dreamed last night, so we%re talking about it. In real life I%m not much of a shit man, but I loved it in my dream. Why would I have that dream' We%ll never know. +ut things are possible in dreams, things that aren%t possible in real life, like fucking an eight-year-old pussy, and writing is a dream. We should imagine things that are not possible, like hosing endless streams of reddish-brown shit off a redhead. # child star. Someone like !indsay !ohan, in the real world. +ut in my fantasy, no one specific, $ust an iconic redhead child star of any variety. Shit. I got chills. .orgot to take my risperdal last night and it gives me chills. )lenching. !ights brighter than usual. 1igh. 0ou really don%t want to miss a dose of that one. .eels like

I%m hallucinating. )an hardly type prose. 2robably time to stop drinking on top of my medication, too. Must write prose reports. !et%s start with a basic discussion of genetalia, it wouldn%t be improper in light of what we%ve been discussing. 1e had a virgin-killer penis, not a regular penis. # virgin-killer penis. They had se: $ust because they were friends, and there was a condom available, at a party, like on a bet. The ne:t day were all ashamed about it, not talking to each other. There is clomipramine and lithium and le:apro and risperdal dissolving in my stomach. Some take more powerful meds. If I don%t maintain them at their proper level, I%m fucked. This is the age where old high school girlfriends will have se: with you again or for the first time if you find them on facebook married or not they%re curious what it would have been like to have se: with you or they miss it from before. #ll you need is facebook to arrange it. It%s a very useful site for fucking old high school friends. There is a new kind of specificity in writing, which takes place post-inclusive language, in which you don%t try to include everyone with your words, and say girlfriends" where I last said friends", because you%re telling your story and your story only, and everyone else can transmorph themselves into your story instead of your story trying to cater to everyone who reads it. I didn%t use the word friends" there for inclusivity, however=not e:actly=but for more of an e:pansion of scope right there at that place and time. See, this story isn%t all about shit. 3r !indsay !ohan fantasies. Is !indsay !ohan going to try to sue me because I used her name here' 2robably. It was worth it. Smearing !indsay !ohan with shit, using both hands, at her current age. I think she would like that she%s being talked about, even in this way, which is rather comic, if you%ll agree. Isn%t there such a thing as free speech' I%m eating spinach. 1opefully it will dissolve with the lithium and risperdal and make me a healthy boy. #nyway we need icons like !indsay !ohan. There are some girls on twitter I would like to fuck. Mostly >?, interesting folks. +ut I would like to fuck them. That%s what pussies are for. They%re for fucking. They like to be fucked. They seek it out, if you let them off their leash. More spinach. When you go on a trip you have to remember to take your medication. I have a cat here likes to sit atop a bo:. When she%s on her bo: all is right with the $ungle. I don%t consider rubbing one with shit as a degrading act. We%re not degrading the child star, above. She%s not degrading herself. She%s doing something natural, which is poop out her butt. 2oop out your butt. &o it. &o it. Sometimes a little gets on you, that%s ok, $ust stream that along the skin, or wish for delightful chunks like the child star has, reddish-brown color. )ircle-. !abeling. 2rose. 6eports. I%ll tell you a story called The Shiteaters." I%ll tell you that story someday. See, the thing is there is no taboo anymore. Maybe for your grandmother. +ut among connected, vibrant people nothing is off-limits. There is no way to offend you@ I can only make you laugh. Trout porn. 0ou don%t care, no one cares, that the child star shitted herself and got fucked pregnant by an oldie while we wiped it off with a hose. #s an image, maybe, you can en$oy the washing, can en$oy the description of fucking, but you%re not offended by it. It doesn%t really get under your skin, only the meaningful mundane can do that, the simple act imbued with e:traordinary meaning, only that will get under your skin. We will have acts like that in this book. !abel;. # label for a label. That label is labeled !abel;". It is !abelM. !abelM has itself

been labeled. We%ll pack you up in a series of $ars, capless, like yogurt $ars, and bottle your essence to steam overnight. We%ll make yogurt out of you, is what I%m saying. Stick a dick in and stir it with your penis. That%s not really something I would say, I was only saying it as a reference to someone who would say that. Stir it with my penis. Three seconds. 1old it. 7ow spray your neuter-nose in that capless $ar, with essence and pee s*uirting together, wrapped up in $ars for everyone to see. They killed a painter on deadly drugs he was AB. This book is called 2anopticon. What is a panopticon' It%s a prison, designed so the warden can observe every prisoner secretly, without the prisoners knowing. It is a bo: in which you live, where you are observed ACDB, without your ever knowing. This is how we live today. 0ou are in a panopticon. 0ou are a prisoner being observed. More generally, panopticon means observe all." That is what we will be doing in this book, observing all, we will be our own warden and perhaps our own prisoner. It%s like watching a girl eat a banana. 3h, deal with it, my book isn%t gender-neutral. EF It%s like watching a girl eat a fucking banana. 7ot $ust any banana. # fucking banana. #s in, a banana that fucks. 3r, a banana for use in fucking. I could $ust type !ady 8aga lyrics in here. I could do that. I could get my ass s*uee(ed by Se:y )upid. #lso, if you%re e:pecting there to be a plot to this book you need to get a different book. 2lot is dead. There%s a plot here, it%s $ust a comple: plot. It%s not the plot of a line, or even a curve. It%s a scatter plot, a very curvy curve. I%m tired from my adventures with skipping doses of medicine, and may have to save this report for another time. There is a picture of my cousin on the refrigerator, and she is wearing pink and smiling in this sick way, like it%s not clear if she%s of age and she%s being flirty, or if she%s $ust making that flirting face but is too young to properly be flirting. The picture is taken from above, looking down on her, and this angle heightens the sickness of the picture. It%s like when she was young she only learned to smile in that pleasing-father sort of way, but se:uali(ed. #nd every time we get half and half out of the refrigerator, or pinto beans, or anything, we%re all looking at this picture of her in her girl state, smiling sickly to the watcher above. It%s the height of if she was kneeling before a standing man, ready to suck his dick, if you want me to be overt about it. That%s the angle of the picture. #nd then that smile. I can taste the taste of clomipramine after the capsule bursts in my stomach, it%s sparkly and harsh, effervescent bomb, and I remember the nurse in the hospital, talking to me about another patient, saying that he never did get better until they took him off clomipramine. I wonder if that will happen to me, if I%ll stay sick until they take me off clomipramine, if that%s what%s keeping me down, keeping me sick. I had a reaction to clomipramine in the hospital, or maybe it was buspar, but I was unable to tell what was appropriate and what was inappropriate, unable to not do inappropriate things, in conversation with a woman, etc. I was talking with the art teacher and in my clomipramine state she found me very e:citing, because I was saying all these e:pansive things, but I couldn%t help but flirt with her, or there was no longer a difference between flirting and non-flirting, and it was $ust all the same to me. I thought if they gave me more I might become a monster, not being able to control my actions, and becoming a rapist, but don%t worry, I%m on a very small dosage now. In that hospital they marked me allergic to clomipramine and didn%t serve

it to me anymore, but later, in a different state and with different doctors, I simply told them clomipramine was one of the things I was taking, and they fed it to me. 0ou could say I%m interested in seeing whether clomipramine was what caused that reaction, and that I%m interested in playing with that psycho state of not-knowing the difference between right and wrong, between appropriate and inappropriate, and so we%re slowly upping the dose. To up the dose I simply report symptoms that the psychiatrist interprets as obsessive-compulsive Gwhich clomipramine is designed to treatF and he gives me more. I%m not sure how far we%re going to take this, but for now it%s still in play. I told that to my high school girlfriend, once, when we were making out in the front seat of her car in front of my parents% house, and I had unbuttoned her pants and was going for the (ipper and she said 1ow much farther are we going to take this'" and I said 7ot much farther than this." If I had known then what I know now I would have fucked her, and I would have fucked a lot of other girls that I didn%t fuck, before and after that time. I have a special place for her vagina, in my mind, that I think about when I touch myself, and I imagine how special it would be, to touch her there. It has a color, to me, sort of a brownish pink that I think represents her pubic hair and her skin, but I see it as one combined color, when I think of it. It%s like the thing has a label in my mind, and the label has a color, and that color is brownish pink. We%re in the slow part of the story now, where we%re developing a character. We pulled you in with the hook, the description of the child star getting shit cleaned off her. 7ow we are in a lull, where we develop a character who will pull us through the rest of the book. 1e is the one who cleaned off the starchild with a hose. 1e is me. 1e is the one who went to the hospital and who has a picture of his cousin on his refrigerator, who likes >? year old girls on twitter and who $erks off to the brownish pink memory of a labeled vagina belonging to his e:-girlfriend. Who labels things with letters. Who thinks in large blocks of te:t. That is the part we%re in now. 1e is H% >I", can%t dance, has a bit of a belly. Won the science fair as a child, many times. 2ublished a book and now engages in some weird habits, from picking his nose and eating his snot to taking upskirt pictures and posting them on the internet. <pskirts are an obsession. I used to $ust watch them, like in movies like The 8oonies or Walkabout, then I searched them out on the internet and then started making my own. Sharing them is the pinnacle, showing others what you%ve captured, what I%ve got. In middle school I used to steal girls% notes, take them from their purses or off their desks in secret. I had a shoebo: at home with my pri(es. 7ow it%s a folder on my 8oogle drive, which I%ve signed a user agreement that says I will not use 8oogle services to store child porn, which some of my upskirts are, $ust little shots I got at the playground or at church on Sunday. I went to church as a child, then stopped going, then started going again in my adulthood as a way to meet people. It%s also a great place to get upskirts, family picnics, youth group activities, but there is something so pure about a child%s underwear skwunched inbetween their cheeks, that little white cotton. It%s not a se:ual thing, e:actly. I%m not attracted to nine-year-olds. 7ot se:ually. +ut I am attracted to them, attracted to something about their life. Their life force. Their purity, and their energy. I lust for it, I long for it. Something of that power is contained in their underwear. 2art of it is that

I%ve captured the private part of you, taken a picture of something you would never show, and I own that part of you now, and I get more powerful with every one I own. 0ou could tell something about yourself by how easily you followed my last logic, tell something of your own mental state and composure. +ut I think you see how in this part of the story we learn something about the characters, something of their natures, something of their energy. I%m not going to take you through the beginnings, the first time I went to church with my small hand-held camera and was too scared to use it, that first time I did get a picture, of a little girl picking her dress out of her butt. I never shared that one, that one was for me only. #nd it%s not like I $erk off to these photos. I have other movies I $erk off to. I collect these photos. #lso, this won%t be a moralistic story in which the killer goes to $ail or kills himself out of $ustice. The killer will have always lived in his own prison. 5veryone around him will be in the same prison, and crimes committed will be like crimes committed in $ail, interesting, but unpunishable. 3nce you%re in $ail for life, you can%t be given any $ail time, and that is how the criminals in this book will be. #nd there won%t be any purity, e:cept the purity of the young. .or everyone, with time, becomes impure. Without e:ception, age brings impurity. #nd by the age of twelve we are all criminals, e*ual, stuck in $ail for life and left to play !ord of the .lies with each other. &id you read that book' That might be a good prere*uisite book for this one. Sometimes the starchild would have me on set with her, and she would say things like, Soft, soft, you come to me soft, you leave me soft, and you are hard inbetween." #nd I would say, It is you who makes me hard." Sometimes hard as a rock." 0ou play with me, and I harden. What is it about your nature, that does this'" It%s my pheromones," she would say, and I wasn%t sure if she knew the word but she said it anyway. What about your pheromones'" I like them." I know you do." I remembered this time when we had first met, right after the shit incident, when we went to a cafe in Tucson, and sat outside and drank chai and lattes. The owner of the cafe, Sabine, I knew from a long time back, and Sabine walked by our table and I knew she was raising an eyebrow at me for sitting with this girl who was about nine. +ut she was flirting with me back9 She was old enough to know the word pheromones" and I knew at the end of this was a humanity who had progressed to having se: not only with infants but with fetuses before they were born with tiny instruments tailored to their genitals I knew this is where we were headed. #nd then could you have intercourse with a baby that wasn%t yet conceived, going back and back like that until you couldn%t tell what was se: and what was a baby and what was an adult and who and where was having se: with who. Micro-modules of sterile instruments inserted into a mother%s vagina to probe her unborn child. We miss out on so much intimacy. # mother who wants to lick her baby%s pee hole. # father who wants to get his son hard. #nd babies are missing out on so much intimacy, and children. !ike #ldous 1u:ley, kids should be having se: with kids so much earlier than we do now. It should be part of your upbringing. 2uberty is no natural limit to se: and se:uality. I used to play with my parents% vibrator when I was little. My sister would lie in the bed playing with herself and I would be ne:t to her with my parents% vibrator making myself hard. It was a mild form of cumming, but it lasted forever, like it

wouldn%t stop. We never had se: together but that was as close as we came, lying ne:t to each other in my bed with her under the covers and me on top. We learn young. We learn young. What is the rate of information at which knowledge of se: approaches a young person' It is self-learned, at a certain point, but we live in an age of e:ternali(ed knowledge, which is pumped back at us, and what is the rate at which this approaches a young person' That is the *uestion. We are children probing each other with instruments. Se: is around every corner. #lways happening. I wish I hadn%t been so naive, and yet I wasn%t, when older men came on to me in my early twenties. I knew what they wanted. I was $ust naive enough to think we could be friends. #nd I should have been better at convincing girls to have se: with me. I was pretty good. I should have been better. 7ow I see no one. )opulate with no one. !ive in a world of pictures and movies and tweets. 3f screens and keyboards. 3f mirrors. Mirrors are an old-fashioned concept. 7ow you can $ust use your photo application to take moving images of you and play them back to you like a mirror, so you don%t need a mirror. # brownish pink color. 3n the label. .or her vagina. In my mind. ,agina-. - was her middle initial. Smeared along a mirror. The label was smeared. 1er vagina smeared across the mirror, leaving streaks. .emales will be the ob$ects in this book. .emales leaving streaks. 6ubbed along a surface. 1er smeary surface left a trail for me to find. There was no bass at all in the production, only high, high highs. 0ou had a contest for sentence originality and I won. 6ocked you right off the closet. There were weapons in mass and I sung a song to them, automatic weapons for killing people, there was a radio show who touted them, but we all knew it was bullshit, even the people who listened to it. I clicked my teeth together fast-pace, counting the beat with enamel. 0ou slung the weapon above your chest, and it was there, in all its glory, and you ripped back the cartridge, playing with it, and I had echoes of an earlier more. There were nightclubs in green, neon curves, originality in tow, each one learning from the ne:t, and I had a glass of bubbly for a true provocateur. 1e learned everything there was to know, then shaded into the background. I was his counsellor on shipmate sidewinders closing. Then the enemy came close, and we knew him by his signature. There were lunches to be had, dinners, state and otherwise, for to beg was to in$ure, in these days. I undertook a pro$ect, ma$or, and bade myself for it every day. Took the over and the under. +et myself that it couldn%t be done, and proved myself wrong every day. That is the tome you hold in your hands@ it is weaponi(ed as much as the strongest )-C, as strong as the kitty, meaningful as a slump. We weaponi(ed religion, clockwise, aching for more of a human angle, but there was none to be had. .ifteen seconds left, angling, wrenching, beating on the shore. #ttack planes were intermittent. The star-child gave her baby up to the dodger, and he snuck off with it down another tunnel. 1e was ungrateful, the cartoff slob, begging presence with kings, making mudpies in syllogism and snorting the rest. It was at at the back of his throat, chunks and peasants, my fortune teller friend telling my fortune by my side, she had it in correctness, every tune, from the day I was born to the day I died, she had it on. The grammar checker had all the words wrong and I was a mess of s*uiggly red lines. I%m back, said the champion, and he was, but none of

us knew what it meant. We watched a movie about white trash revenge, pu((le-seeking, and she had her dad%s hands in a chainsaw. That was the ending. I don%t remember it because I was drunk. +ut it must have ended somehow. I don%t remember the final shot, is all. I would be homeless without my family, would be striving for typing time in a public library, shitting in my pants and wandering ,ermont for a $acket. That%s what I would be. Instead I write to you from a broken years-old Mac+ook who keeps up with me, on 8oogle &ocs, as long as the signal lasts. I measured wordcount with a keystroke and bathed the starchild in neosporin, she capitali(ed herself in bold serif and took a wank in the shower. I watched her as she came, her eight-year-old self rubbing that pussy like a $ob. She was fourteen, she was eighteen, she was eight. She smacked it every once in a while and I wondered why. +ut it seemed to make her happy and this time she wasn%t covered in shit only sweat which she wanted to wash off. I supported her@ it was my shower. #nd afterward we%d lie in plumet sheets discussing the difference between a verb and a noun. I kidded her about this, for she misused one for the other and I loved her for it. It was part of her appeal, her verb tense, and I thought about it when I was alone. My virgin-raping penis was ready to take her slightly. 0ou had lost an adverb. We bowed together in .rance, and made our respects. #nd then I took her, and it was yum-yum sillypuffs, that smooth smooth feel of a yellow vagina. Smooth like yellow, the color. Smooth like butter. The part all around her vagina, too, it was the feel of butter, spread skin. 8lory. That was the real weapon. 7othing hard@ something soft. 0ou worshipped it in temples built to women, where they danced on poles and s*uat for dollars, I was there too, I built one of those temples, I saw her spread her pussy out and show you all the red inside. She let you look and she was dancing for an audience of one. What bad tips. #s much as I could give her. What a slow night. #udience of one, I%ll be damned. I was the only one in that back room smokely. Smoking. #nd she talked to me about 8hanna and where she was from, and we connected, on a soul level, or so I thought. She was only going for a green card. I got played. She let me fuck her a few nights later, hoping that I would go along with her plan, but once she had dropped it I wasn%t interested. I didn%t want to help her get a green card. I was trying to fall in love9 She liked her 8hannan men. +etter than white men. What I was was a white man. She lost her virginity to one of us over )raigslist, I say to you this. She was very cultural, even ours, and I liked falling asleep listening to 8hannan fairytales after I fucked her hard cunt. It was tight like a crunchy asshole, and I could hardly get into her, it was ama(ing. It was like I could feel her cervi:, and it was tight and hard like a fist, along with the muscles of her vagina, which were dry and tight and grabbed me like black pussy always does. This title is ensectioned Se: with Strippers" which is something a lot of people aspire to but few have actually done. I don%t spend a bunch of time talking about it but I%ve fucked strippers. 5:tremely hot women. Women who sell their bodies= almost. +ut I saw a gang fight on Maury and it was paternity tests everywhere. The worst-looking dude was the only one telling the truth. I mean he had a really mean look about him. Maury hugged everyone as they came onto the stage. Then he made fun of their lives on national television. 0ou%re always on camera, even when you%re backstage. We celebrated your worth with a pickle, a mouthful of cheese. #t the end

10

Maury $ust sent you home with some money and then was the rest of your life. 0ou kept on being dramatic. -ept on cheating on your sister. 3r whoever. This one show had this giant pair of panties found in the couch and they thought it belonged to the fuck-girl. +ut the lie detector said they were $ust a random pair of panties, which I guess could be true depending on where you bought your couch. They have therapists now days, that come to you on twitter. They follow your account and you follow theirs and they give you advice based on how often you masturbate Gor whatever you say on twitterF and they%ll even follow a few of your closest friends to see what they%re up to. I had this one who would write random poetry with me. She never gave advice but I found what I was looking for in the fact that she would write me. I terminated after a few sessions, though, because of her avatar. It wasn%t her face and it made me nervous, I thought she should show herself if I was paying by the hour. There were other people to write poetry with. Where did all these paper cuts on my dick come from' I have them in my mouth9 There are paper cuts covering my mouth' &o you believe me' G7o.F &o you believe I%m drinking wine' &o you believe I have paper cuts on my dick' &o you believe I paid for twitter therapy' &o you believe that I watched an episode of Maury' &o you believe the story of the starchild' I believe the story of the starchild, that child star was waiting for that to happen to her. To trip like that, and fall and hit the sidewalk and shit all over herself and meet me' That really broke up the monotony in her life. She needed to break out of a rut. Starchild. )hild star. # new pair of glasses. 2aul 7ewman movie. Trash can full of empty wine bottles and +urger -ing containers. 7ow do you believe that I%m drinking wine' I have a sum of a gift card balance across two cards for +urger -ing. I got them for )hristmas. More details, do you believe me more' 3r is it $ust a confidence of statement, when we tell the truth, that makes the difference' !istening to 7ine Inch 7ails% )loser isn%t the same on tiny earphones. 0ou need the bass. That%s the second time he%s mentioned bass in this book, what does that mean' Why can%t I turn up the volume any louder' This life is too *uiet, too minimal. It could use some more te:ture. )olored words. Synesthesia. I got where I could see the shape of a word in my eye. 5very time I said the word, I could see the outline of the word in my eye. I told my doctor and they decided to keep me in the hospital. She had me tell her my mental landscape, the moonwalk, she called it. So I wrote it out on inde: cards and read her the whole thing. Turns out some of the things I thought were really fucked up about me, didn%t trouble my doctor at all. I thought they were going to keep me because I was a danger to others, but they let me go. They thought I was fine, and that made me think I was fine. I%m a sucker for what doctors tell me. /ust believe everything they say. #pparently I%m doing fine now, and I only have to see them every few months for a *uick meeting. The medication is helping my ad$ustment to the world. I am much better able to function now, which basically means to conform to others% desires and demands. The opposite is misad$ustment. The goal of psychiatry seems to be to ad$ust. To ad$ust one to the e:ternal world. 0ou should be wary of people who speak comple:ly. Simple speakers are best. I muscle my way through :anders and kindle the groin of a certain redhead. 6ub sticks between my palms to get her going. +low between her legs.

11

Someone said people spitting in pornos is ridiculous, that if you have to spit on a vagina you%re doing something very, very wrong. I wholeheartedly agree. &o you reali(e that a book is like having a massive conversation with yourself' Then other people read it and then they%re having that massive conversation with themself. 3r maybe you%re having it with them. # one-sided conversation, mostly. &oes anyone e:pect this stuff to be read' The !ibrary of )ongress, collecting all our tweets. Will anyone ever read them' 2robably the computers we invent who take over our species, that will be the target audience for the library of tweets. It will analy(e us for fun, gain insights about the human species by reading our tweets. 3nly a brain so powerful could make sense out of the relationships between the tweets, out of the tweets as a whole. If you have to spit on a vagina, you%re doing something terribly, terribly wrong. 0ou%re drinking it even though you hate the taste. Stop drinking it. There is freedom on the other side. See I%m not trying to hide the fact that I%m an alcoholic, like that other guy. I%m not telling you one thing in interviews and then doing another thing in my spare time. I don%t give a shit what you think, as long as you think I%m great. I want you to fear me, not to think we%re alike, morally. I sort of backed into that sentence in a way that makes it mean something different than what I started out to say. See what you do is you start by watching other people%s stuff, and then you learn the world, and then, one by one, you remove your crutches, until nothing is left but you and the work, no word counts, no magic robes to write in, no music, $ust you and the words. Simplifying all the way down to what you are actually doing. 8etting rid of all the e:tra. 8etting it to where you can do it good, every time, to where you%re setting trends as a matter of course. !ike ringing a bell. Then you do that for the rest of your life, because you%ve figured out how to live. I have a scrape on my foot where I scratched it with the other foot. It needed a large bandage. I need to go more gentle on myself. Stop masturbating so hard. &o it like feathers. I think that%s why it%s hard for me to cum in a woman, because I%m used to doing it so hard with myself. To cum in a woman I need a woman with an e:tra-tight pussy, which is why I talk to teenagers on twitter. My dick Ga virgin-killing dickF is the right si(e for their pussies and their pussies are the right si(e for my dick. 3h, to rub yourself off inside a girl, it is my ideal pastime. If she is soap suds then it%s even better. I don%t even mind if some other guy is fucking her, as long as she fucks me. We can even fuck her at the same time, one goes, then the other goes, like that. They have training simulations in the military you wouldn%t believe. 5ntire walls of information being bubbled up to a commander, taken from basic sensors about the world. I think I went cra(y in stages, this being the ne:t to final one. I%m drinking for the effect is has on me. We lay in a bed once like that, me and this girl and another guy. #nd fucking her was so good. We had broken up a couple years earlier, and my sister was making out on the floor with this guy we all called The .ifties-!ooking 8uy" because he looked like he had $ust come out of the fifties. There was a noise violation called that night and that%s one of the many nights I failed to fuck Tosha, 7atasha, this girl I badly wanted to fuck but it never worked out. 7ow she%s facebook. My other friend said she had a skanky pussy $ust based on the number of people she had been with, but her face looked nice and face is usually a good

12

indication of various *ualities of their pussy. 6atted-out face' )ute round face' 6ed face, red cheeks' )heck for evidence of these below. +ut I love pussy, love its every shape, love it from every angle, it%s a god to me. !ove to lick it, eat it, bite it. !ove them hairy, love them shaved. !ove when they match the face of the person it belongs to. &o you think she had a skanky pussy' I don%t think she had a skanky pussy. She had thin blond hair and creamy skin. 7ow she%s having a baby. She was too petite to imagine that, I would be scared that she would fall apart but women manage. They seem to have been made to do it. I hate when one gets nervous and starts wanting to have a baby, like starts reminding you that the point of se: is to make babies. I personally don%t believe that is the point of se:. We use it in too many ways now, for that to be considered even the primary reason for the e:istence of se:. )reamy skin. Wonder what her pussy was like' Was it skanky' 7o. It was creamy, probably one with thin lips, like that one girl with the vibrator. I can see her sitting on top of me, or lying back with her legs spread, taking it. We wore the same color shoes to a wedding once. 6ed. I always like people with red shoes. I can tell a lot about you if you%re wearing red shoes, especially )onverse. My ideal woman wears red converse, definitely. She packs lightly for a trip, isn%t afraid of adventuring. 1as + cup breasts. I $ust did a 8oogle search for + cup breast" and found the most disgusting, forensic photographs of + cup breasts Gand some other si(esF that you can imagine. 3ne more reason to love anime porn. See ourselves as we imagine ourselves, not as we are. &on%t even get me started on furries. There was a chipmunk in the woods once who got shot, I won%t tell you about it here. #nyway there were multiple occasions on which I should have fucked her but didn%t. It was always logistical problems. 3r I got my doubts that she had a skanky pussy and put her off. I bet it was fine, though, I bet that girl was $ust telling me that about the skanky pussy because she didn%t want me to sleep with her. .uck. It%s these types of things that make me have to answer yes to the *uestion, &o you have regrets'" It%s those type of things. &o we need to discuss panopticon again or did you get it' I thought so. 8ood. I knew you were smart. We need to have smart people picnics where all the people who get it" get together and celebrate. I think we used to do that in high school. I mean I think that%s what we were doing. We used to have these picnics in the lunchroom, with $ust the freak kids. 0ou get it. We were reading )amus in .rench, and that shit was hard. Try to read The Stranger with five years of .rench. It%s hard. I%m writing till the battery on my laptop is dead. That%s how I do it. Measure your day by how many times you need to recharge your device. <se up all your minutes. <se, use, use. We%re frenetic like this. )ollecting information in our heads, putting out a trail by which others can track us, computers reading your lifestream. &rinking till we vomit. ,omiting e:plosive-style. To:ifying. +reathing. )opulating. Snot collecting in noses. ,agina-, in the front seat of her car, on top of me, asking me how much farther we%re going to take this. #re we going to copulate tonight, dear' 7o, I don%t think so. #re you going to copulate with your best friend on a bet' 0es. Why not. It%s a dashing idea. I once copulated with my sister but we keep it under wraps. 7ot the best idea, but, like fucking your best friend, curiosity gets the better of you and.. Two is the new three, get with it. I%ll take another glass of wine.

13

The malbec' !ast night I had a fabulous JK chianti for my birthday. JKDglass. !ight. Thin. That famous smell. We are writing a panopticon, a see-all, for a single life. Two dollars for a telescoping back scratcher. Three with ta:. Missing vagina on a long trip. Wishing I could have brought ,agina- along with me, even in our old age, I would fuck her now with no hesitation. They say men are too into se:, that we obsess over it, and I think that%s true. I think it is the $ob of at least one gender to obsess over se:, to make sure it happens. We love how you look, we want to be with you in every way, you want us back, and the species survives. Make sure she gets pregnant. That is the goal. I would like your parents to be present, ,agina-, while I dissect you, cross-section you, would like them to see you split open and fucked in diorama. 1ow special that place is9 1ow warm and bright9 They sent you to the wrong hospital, they were supposed to send you to the 6etreat, instead they sent you to Westside. I wanted to be in the mental hospital with you again. +ut they sent us to different places and you got out before me, like always. They really think I%m fucked up. I would have called you back e:cept I%m scared of you, you%re one of the few girls I%ve been scared of in recent history. 0ou%re too cool. When I saw you at the pottery wheel in that apron I fell in love. I did. I know you were with someone else but you%re poly so who cares. I can%t help that I fell in love. Watch white trash movies. Winter%s +one is a good one. I would start smoking again if we were together, $ust to smoke with you. We%d drink coffees and do art on the floor of my apartment, e:cept this time I%d kiss you right when we walked in the door, and you%d get hot, and we%d fuck. I like that version better. &on%t you' I have a virgin-killer penis. Want to see' 0ou can literally make up your whole world. 0ou can literally do that. /ust start from scratch. +uild your house up around you, brick-by-brick, and other people will believe it. 0ou can make them believe it by you believing it. ,irgin). )oriander. )oriander is the virgin we call ). She is a virgin. She has a label. The label%s name is ). )oriander I met on the internet. She%s a revolutionary. I am se:ually attracted to her but I would never fuck her because she%s too young and I feel there is a power imbalance in our relationship. +ut ,irgin) is cool. She might not be a virgin we $ust label her thus. +ut she%s ine:perienced, definitely, you can tell from the way she talks. +ut you can tell she%s going to be great, though, you can. That she%s really going to become a revolutionary. She has ideas, this one. She%s a spark, this one. /ust the kind of person I was friends with when I was younger, our crews would have married to form a huge /et-Shark alliance. 0our real impediment to fucking a lot of people is your inDability to meet a whole lot of people who don%t know each other. +ecause among classy people they won%t fuck you if you%ve fucked their friend, and so you have to pick one out of a group of friends to fuck GgenerallyF. +ut fucking a lot of people was never my goal, I don%t see it that way, I%m not into con*uesting or scoring. I actually have a madman connection with the people I%ve fucked, e:cept recently, when I%ve been so desperate that I%ll $ust fuck=not anybody, but=my standards are lowered. I don%t meet people as cool as people I used to meet in high school, I think it%s because at this age we%ve all gone stale. 7o one%s still fighting for their lives GsadlyF. 7o one%s still working to change the world. 5veryone settled on a mate and had kids, becoming tyrants and fanatics about their parenting styles. #s if the only

14

thing that mattered in the world was your parenting style. #s if a kid to some degree wasn%t independent of your efforts to shape them. I%m all for intentionality, but I%m not for fanaticism. 5nd soapbo:. .an page on column si:. !anguage tools. 0ou give up your hobbies as you focus more and more on your kid. #nna still smokes. This is going to be a pillar, a pillar. # single column. 2eople are desperate to find a genius. They%ll make one up if they can%t find one. It%s like the 2ope. Someone is going to fill the position, because we always need one &alai !ama and one 2ope, one -urt )obain and one +ritney Spears. There%s always one female folk vocalist who is hot at any particular time. In my day it was Tori #mos. 7ow it%s probably !ana &el 6ey. Same thing with literary genius. There has to be one 2icasso and one &avid .oster Wallace at any given time. If there%s no one worthy lying around, someone will be chosen anyway. That is the nature of these positions. There has to be a 2resident. There has to be a 2ope. Maybe with me there has to be a ,irgin). #lways some young thing to fawn over, remind me that youth e:ists and that I was once there, see the world through her eyes. ,agina- had a baby. I saw some picture of it on facebook with the baby on ,agina-%s back in a sling. There is a chiropractor who reminds me of yoga types that I%d like to fuck. She wears saris. We%ll call her ,agina&, because she reminds me a little of this girl &eidre I knew once. ,agina&. Though girls like ,agina& would never be into me because they%re health nuts and they want a crunchy crunchy boyfriend with a full beard and vegan tendencies who smiles at the sun all freakin% day, worshipping the god 2an or something. 8irls who I would like to go for me4 all types. 8irls who I would most like to go for me4 badasses, revolutionaries, backpack girls Ggirls who travel with backpacksF, traveling girls, skater girls, surfer girls, actors. 8irls who do go for me4 badasses, revolutionaries. 2roblem is there are so few badasses and revolutionaries. 0ou have to wait around ten years to meet one. #nd then maybe your revolutionary is also emotionally abusive so you have to break it off and then you%re stuck waiting the ten years. I%m a lone type. I don%t mingle." I have a few people who filter the world for me. I meet people through them. 0ou can%t get close to me. This is by design, because I don%t like the noise. +ut meeting people can be difficult. Most people are flaky. They like you enough to fuck you a little but they%re not falling in love kind of people. I%m a falling in love kind of person. With my friends, with my girlfriends. I%m in it like fire and I want it to last forever. I give you my full self. I%m open to the core. I want the same in return. 7ow we have built up some basic ideas of character, and it is time to return to our story full-force. 6emember the shit-baby' She will come into play here. We have a label that%s been overloaded9 ,agina- refers to both the child star%s vagina and the high school redhead whose middle initial is a -. #bort program. 5nd of run. Stop. We%ll re-label the child star%s vagina ,agina!. )onflict resolved. )ontinue. 3ops. I came in you. ,agina! was too good for T,. Mmm-mmm. There%s that kind of guy who gets all kinds of pussy because he goes along with whatever girls want to do, movies, like romantic comedies and cooking dinner at her house and shit, he%s this creature that evolves for the purpose of seeking pussy, that%s what he lives for, e:ists for, that%s his whole e:istence, is placating females into giving it up to him, that becomes his thirst, his *uest, his vengeance. When I start sending you dick pics it won%t be as funny. I remember my

15

old girlfriend. She needs to be fucked. That%s all. 7eeds to get good and fucked before she goes to bed tonight, is what she needs. That%s what I used to give her when we were together. .ucked before midnight@ sound asleep. She was wrought that way. +ritney Spears vagina pics9 3h yeah9 !indsay !ohan vagina pics9 8oogle that shit, get scared to shit. Want a celebrity milkshake, nothing different between them and us, e:cept they%re the chosen ones. Some people are $ust overachievers. 0ou have to start acting like it, you have to take it for yourself, this fame, this royalty. Some, like the starchild, learned to do this at a very early age, were taught by their parents to be special, to need special attention, to demand it. I $ust deleted a word, that%s my first time in this document I%ve edited. We%ll try to refrain from further edits. I tried to masturbate this morning, but couldn%t. The medicine stopped me. I couldn%t even get all the way hard. It makes me want to discontinue. +ut there are so many people around me who would warn me from discontinuing. I%m e:pected to take medicine now. If I don%t I%m shirking part of my responsibility to stay healthy, because we all assume I%m better off with medicine. #nd it does help, I think. I don%t want to kill myself anymore. !ady 8aga $ust rode through on a tricycle. 8iant pacifier, inflated bug wings. Theatrical as always. )harlie Sheen inviting us into various green rooms as he gets ready to go on television. That anti*uated way of saying television" instead of $ust T,. The child star was taught by her mother, she grew up being famous and it did a number on her defenses. She trusts no one, always thinking people are trying to use her=and they are. Trusts the occasional director, as they generally have the best interest of their actors in mind. Trusted me because I have my own elevation of fame that comes with the writing, that she knows I have some inkling of how it is, maybe in a different industry. -new that we would have something in common in terms of people wanting you and you not being able to give them what they want, e:actly. I type words with one finger, maybe two, ma: four, thumb for the space bar. I typed my name on the starchild in fingerprints $ust above her bellybutton, on the side, typesetting my name on her body, to the imprint I would make. #fter I washed the shit off her we went to a restaurant and she asked me *uestions and I asked her *uestions. She wanted to know how to get into noveling and I wanted to know about her ne:t film, we were bright stars standing out from the relief. Sat at a corner table. # few looks from the servers, a turned head or two Gfor the starchildF from customers, and I was famous by e:tension for all the people who didn%t know my face. I can still go grocery shopping. My name is known but not my face to many. The child star gets doors held for her, pictures taken wherever she goes, has to travel with an entourage, radios her security when things get rough. 1er entourage had abandoned her when she shit herself, though. )ouldn%t take it. )hild Star Shits 1erself" is not the headline they were e:pecting. /ust ditched her when she shit herself. That%s when we found the hose. #nd come to think of it, my friends had ditched me, too, when I was all about cleaning her up. /ust gone on down the road, like they never knew me. 7ow it was me and her in the restaurant, at our corner table. 2eople are looking at us." They%re looking at you." They%re looking at you, too. They can tell that we%re special." They know who you are." They probably know you, too, dear. &on%t be modest. I knew you by your $acket photo. 5:cept the

16

beard is nice. #re you in disguise'" /ust easier to maintain." I think some of my shit got caught in your beard. 1ere. 1old still." &on%t eat it or anything." 0ou think I would do that' &o I scare you'" # little. +ut I like to be scared." They can tell we%re bright, bright shining like the stars. That%s what they%re looking at. )an%t you tell when you meet bright people'" 0es. 0ou can see it on the face. 0ou can. /ust one picture of you and I would know you were bright. I%ve looked at your pictures, you know." &id you masturbate to them'" 7o. Well, some of them." Which ones'" The ones with. &o you really want to know'" &ahrling, I%d be charmed to know." 3k, they%re $ust the ones. +lack and white ones. With your face." 0ou masturbate to my face'" Mmm-hmm." &o they have any boob in them at all'" I shake my head. That%s so sweet9 3oh baby, come here. !et me sit on your lap. &o you think they would mind'" She starts rubbing my dick. I%m getting hard in the restaurant. Should I find a place for us to go'" 7o, eat your pancakes. I want my baby to be well fed." I%m perfectly well fed. I need your pussy, is what I need. I need you to drip on me." 0ou want that'" 0eah, I want your $uice to spill out on me, run down my cock, like that." 0eah'" 0eah." That%s so hot, baby. &id you write that $ust now'" 0eah, I%m writing it down." #re you writing down everything we%re saying." 1old on. 0eah. I%m writing down every word we%re saying. &o you mind'" I think it%s se:y." I want to have this for posterity." #re you gonna put it on the internet'" &o you mind'" 7o, I want you to. I want us to be in the internet, forever." So it%s ok if I keep typing'" Type. Type. +aby I%m gonna ignore you for $ust a minute and get some of my food. 3k'" 0eah get some good food in you so you can make some more of that red chunky shit." &o you know how I think I did that'" 1ow'" Indian food." She laughs. I%m pretty sure it was Indian food. I had some paneer masala and I think that%s what did it. Maybe ne:t time. +aby are you listening'" 0es." Maybe ne:t time it%ll be throw up." I smile. &id you get all that'" Mmm-hmm. 8ot it." +ut she%s still rubbing my dick and it%s all the way hard, like before medication, as hard as it can be. 0ou%re gonna make me cum through my pants." I want that. I want you to come. &o you want my mouth'" Maybe $ust a little. &on%t be too conspicuous. I don%t want to get kicked out of here." Whats does Lconspicuous% mean'" 0ou really don%t know'" 7o." It means to put your mouth on me right now9 7o, it means that you%re drawing attention to yourself." So don%t draw attention to us'" 6ight." So I shouldn%t do this'" She un(ips me. 6ight." #nd I shouldn%t do this'" She works my penis out of my bo:ers, sticking straight up beneath the table. 6ight. &on%t do that." #nd I should definitely not do this'" She goes down and $ust licks me, right up to the tip. I%m sure a little li*uid comes out of me. +aby. &o you want me to get us a place'" 7o, I want you to eat your breakfast." !ike this'" She nods. .ine." 0ou will'" Sure." I love you." I look at her. 0ou love me'" I $ust fell in love." +ecause I%ll eat breakfast with my dick out'" Strange things do it to me, $ust go with it," she says, and I do. I eat my sausage and I sit there with my dick out and it gets soft so she moves her hand over and places it around me, hot little fingers. She rubs it a little bit, and I get hard again, and she puts on lipstick with one hand, holding my cock in the other, rubbing the shaft. I catch our server looking over at us. She comes to the table. &oing alright'" The starchild

17

answers. 0es." 7eed anything else right now'" 7o, we%re wonderful, maybe some more orange $uice, do you want more $uice'" Sure." So yeah. /uice. Thanks." +e right back." &o you think she was looking at us'" 0ou mean, looking at this'" Was she' Was she looking at your cock' I%ll kill her." &on%t kill her. 8et her to $oin in." &o you like her' Seriously. &o you want me to get her for you'" 8et her for me'" &o you want her' I can get her if you want. 1ey9 Molly9 )ome back here." She stops in the middle of pouring our orange $uice and comes back to the table. What can I get for you'" My boyfriend here wants you. #re you a hermaphrodite Lcause you%ll need to have a pussy for this. &o you know who I am'" 0es." So you%ll come home with us'" When'" 6ight now, your shift is ending." I can%t, I%ll lose my $ob." Is that the only thing holding you back' 0ou would come home with us if it weren%t for that' 0ou%re not snubbing us'" I%m not snubbing you. I%ll be right back. I%m going to get your orange $uice." She lacks imagination, don%t you think'" I think she%s scared." 0ou weren%t scared." +ut I%m kind of..doing my own thing. I was ready for you to come along." 0ou were ready'" In general, yes. 2repared for the possibility." .or the possibility of me specifically or someone like me'" Someone like you." +ut you had thought of me, specifically, when you masturbated to my face. 0ou won%t deny me that." 7o, I won%t deny you that." 0ou%re a kind man." Thank you." &o you think I%m kind'" I don%t know you well enough, but no, kind is not the first word that comes to mind when I think of you." What is the first word you think of'" Mmm..mayhem. 2andemonium." What%s pandemonium mean'" Mayhem." Mayhem' That%s the word'" I%m pretty sure. 0eah." That%s my word'" Why, what were you thinking'" I was thinking something like sparkly." 7o, definitely mayhem. Think of when we first met. 0ou hit the sidewalk and suddenly shit was pouring out of your ass, covering you like chili, you were a mess from the first moment, spraying your red chunky shit all over the place and I%m glad we found a hose9 Imagine if that alley hadn%t had a hose9 0ou%re pandemonium on screen and off, I can tell. That%s what people pay to watch, though=it keeps you rich." 0ou think I%m pandemonium, huh'" I look her in the eye and nod slightly. What%s the first word that comes to mind when you think of me'" Stupid." Stupid' Why don%t you work my cock a minute, bitch." <h9 +itch' Who you calling a bitch' !ook who%s calling who a bitch9 L)ause you been my bitch since I met you. Iw nted to shit myself. I wanted you to clean me up. I made you do that, because I knew you were kind and a kind person would help out. 7one of your friends are kind. They left you at the first sign of trouble." 0our crew left you too." Motherfuckers. They ain%t gettin% paid for today." 0ou pay them'" What do you mean'" 0ou pay those guys to come around with you'" Well they ain%t doin% it for free9 0eah I%m payin% Lem." I thought some of them were your friends." Well if they wasn%t hangin% Lround with me they%d have to get a $ob, so yeah, they get paid." Wow." What'" That%s $ust..ama(ing." 0ou want me to work your cock again'" 0eah." With my mouth'" !et%s get a place to stay." I like it here, we can order food whenever we want." 0ou can order food at a hotel." /ust shut up and let me suck your cock. /ust shut up. I%ve heard enough from you." So she did, she sucked my cock in the &enny%s, got it all the way

18

hard again, then with drool coming off her mouth lifted her head from it and came across and kissed me on the mouth, her pregnant belly pressing into my cock. &o you know if it%s a boy or a girl'" /ust shut up and let me kiss you." So they were lovers for a while. 5ach one liked the other and the other liked the one. When the air-conditioning turns off the silence scares me. They did get a hotel, and proceeded to live there, ordering room service and generally avoiding responsibility, of which they both had much. To write the ne:t thing. To act in the ne:t thing. She didn%t have her baby yet. It stayed inside her, no one knowing its se: and when they fucked they were careful of the baby. The starchild called her agent in !# and said she was going to be staying in 7ew 0ork for a while. I brought my laptop with me and wrote from the hotel. There was all kinds of strangeness from the starchild that I could pepper into my novels. We bounced like lovers do, like that high-hatted lover that must have you. #nd there was a haberdashery below which carried a nice selection of infinite suitage which we both dressed in, natal haberdashery for her, that was fine for getting us up the street to &enny%s and the playwright%s restaurant, where we ate steaks and I drank wine for the two of us. She had a tiny sip. I drank a bottle. Then I switched to vanilla vodka neat and we walked home in the dark of Times S*uare. It was a nice little marriage of convenience and debt-paying, she felt she owed me for cleaning the shit off her and I felt compelled to stay with her until she had her baby at least so that she could heal and we could have se: once or twice with no baby in her. She thought that was a noble reason to be together, and promised me that she would be even more fo:y shitless with no baby and I said honey you%ve got me on your finger. 2ull the trigger. +am9 0ou got me, you had me at go. !ike fucking you with the baby in you, for all those super-smooth pussy parts like slip-n-slide rubbing against them is all I imagined. When I wasn%t in her I could feel the feel of being in her, through memory. She had the nicest pussy this side of the Mississippi. It could pop9 me off into degeneracy any time of the day. We spray-painted the walls in the elevator, tag-bombed it until the fumes began to overpower my pregnant partner. +ut it was more our style, before they cleaned it, and we left the spray cans in a stairwell to hopefully meet up with some other%s degenerate hands. )hild slept a lot of the days, and she shitted in the toilet, discretely, contrary to our first meeting. I encouraged her to eat plenty of cheese and she was willing. I managed to write two chapters of a novel the weeks we stayed in that loft. Most of the time was spent with my hard dick placed inside her sweating pussy, poised, ready to do my thing. Then we would fuck real *uick and I finally came with her, despite the medicine. I could cum with her on rare occasions when my sperm beat the le:apro to the punch and it s*uirted into her, no worry of having kids right now. #nd she smeared it on her belly and into her bellybutton, and it would dry and sink into her skin. She didn%t want it to go to waste. I used to lick it off her belly while she was smearing and it didn%t taste bad, had sort of a kick to it, maybe that%s because I eat so much spicy food. +ut we both licked it, it was good for us we thought and I didn%t mind getting a little of my spunk down into my lungs and heart. 2into beans are e:cellent for your crap. 3nce that baby was out of her belly she had two weeks and then it was back to filming in !#. I hoped she would name it after me, even though we $ust met and all

19

we had really done to each other was fuck. She liked my beard. I think she liked that I was older, but I never discussed age with her. I didn%t want to make it an issue that she was only eight. I didn%t know her e:act age, but it was something like that. 5ight or nine. Smoothest pussy. !oved it. Smash-bang. ,irgin-killer dick. 3h man, used to love to finger her. 3ne finger and her vagina was tight, could hardly get it in, and my dick is like three fingers. 1oly shit that girl was tight. I hated thinking about a baby coming through it but that was her choice to get pregnant. I didn%t ask who the father was, either, $ust dealt with her on her own terms. 0ou can%t constrict a wild bird, they%ll fly away the minute you try to. I didn%t like to be constricted, why would she' /ust live with me on your own terms and deal with me about stuff that has to do with me. Me and you. That%s all there is. 1olding hands with fingers locked together while we fuck, it%s that good. Sweating on each other. Me holding your hair out of your face, $ust like I did when I was washing the shit off you. 0our hair wet with sweat, pasted across your forehead. Sweat dripping off my beard. Then I clench myself inside you and you can feel it and you clench yourself around me and we talk like that, for a while, with clenching and sweat. 1ave you ever had it this good'" 7o. 1ave you'" 7o. I%m better when I%m not pregnant, I promise, you%ll feel it." 0ou%re fine right now. We do it so close, and I love when you look in my eyes." &o you mind when I look away'" 7o, I love that too9 I think we really fit together, we match." I think so too. I want you to come with me to !#, get out of here for a while, can you do that'" Where are you gonna have your baby'" Wherever I am. )an you come with me'" Won%t people be upset, since I%m.." Since you%re older than me' I don%t know why people would be upset about that, but you%re right, they will be. 0ou want to order pi((a'" !et%s order ice cream." 0ou want ice cream'" 0eah." 0ou never said if you%ll come with me or not." I will." 0ou will' I want you to be around me all the time, even when I%m working, I want you on set." )an I bring my computer'" 0es, you can bring whatever you want. 0ou will' 0ay9 3h my gosh !#%s going to be so much more fun with you there9" She s*uee(es me with her hands. I don%t believe you%re coming." There%s one thing." What'" I don%t think I was meant to be a father so when he or she comes, I%ll love it and hug it and kiss it and everything, but I%m not that kid%s dad and I need you to understand that." <nderstood. 0es. +aby, were you worried about that' I understand. 7ot the father. 0ou don%t have to do daddy stuff for this baby, that%s fine, I don%t e:pect you to." 3k." 3k." &oes that bother you'" 7o, it%s fine. #s long as you%re with me." 0ou want to fuck and then get ice cream'" 0es9" I don%t think I can cum again." That%s alright, as long as you can make me cum." I can try, I%m very tired." I think you%ll do fine. &o you mind if I play with my clit'" 7o, play with your clit." 3k. 8ood. .uck me now." 3k." 0ou want me to get you hard'" That would be nice." So we used to do it like that, I thought she was magnificent and she didn%t seem to want to pin daddy on me for this kid. I would probably like it more in person when it came out, but I didn%t want to be obligated to like give it the se: talk and everything. She got off and we ate ice cream. Then we ate pi((a. #ma(ing. # girl who likes to eat like me. #ll I had to do was meet a pregnant girl. She was getting really big these days, like she was going to pop, and I imagined us going to the

20

hospital together in 7ew 0ork. I didn%t want to see it come out of her, I didn%t want to see that happen to her vagina. +ut she wanted to have a kid, had that mothering instinct at eight, had to have one of her own. I thought it would be hard for her to take care of it, because she was so flighty. 7ot flighty but, yeah, I mean, somewhat easily distracted. !ikes to go on random adventures. )hanges her mind about her staff often. .ires people. 0ou can%t fire your kid. She could get help taking care of it, especially when she was on set. She would have to. 1ire someone to take care of it. I imagined sitting ne:t to her on the bed and putting my hands on her belly and pressing down to get the thing out of there. Start labor if possible. )ould you do that' I thought you could. /ust push down and get that baby out of there. !ike popping a pimple. Much better. Then she would have to e:ercise to get her figure back again. My little eight-yearold with her distended belly9 She probably doesn%t even know the word distended. Will have to teach her that one. When she was born we would have clit-play. Settling the little baby saddle-style in her mother%s mouth, mother%s hands cupping the girl%s buttocks, and the mother licking wildly. The little girl s*uirming in her saddle, trying to make herself cum. Tiny clitoris. Mother%s big tongue. #nd I would imagine the baby shitting in her mother%s mouth, li*uid shit coming out her baby cheeks and filling the starchild%s cheeks, mother gagging on the taste. +ut the starchild had a taste for baby pussy, needed to rock its tiny clit with her mother%s tongue. She said we were missing out on so much intimacy, and I agreed. The starchild showed me many ways to play with a small baby which I had never thought of. Many involved the child%s tiny clit. Some involved her budding vagina. Some involved her eentsy-weentsy asshole, her scat. We had much fun with this one, who she called 3livia, and who I was already becoming more of a father of than I had anticipated. We would take turns licking her clit, satisfying her, we didn%t want her to miss out on sensations she would otherwise miss until she was much older. It made me hard to tongue it, and starchild would play with my nipples and grab my penis while I did it, reach around and $erk me off while I was licking her baby%s tiny clit. The baby would get very *uiet when we did it, occasionally letting out a s*ueal. +ut she never cried. It was a sure-fire way to shut her up if she was pouting. #t a restaurant starchild would reach down her diaper and finger her with her little finger, *uieting the child. We would taste her pee, no shame, suck it right out of her while she was going, $ust to get the minerals. Then we%d pass it back and forth between our mouths, starchild to me, and back, then we%d finally split it halfway and swallow. It was our own kind of private way that we celebrated her, we kept that to ourselves because it didn%t seem like the general public would appreciate it. The starchild has some radical ideas about how to increase intimacy in the world. I happen to agree with some of them. +ut sometimes a revolution has to occur in private before it can go big, and we viewed ourselves as pioneers in intimacy, and we kept what we did with 3livia pretty much secret. 3f course we did tweet about it, under an anonymous account, so that those who were ready for it could see that they weren%t alone. M/anes&ear&iary. What else' &o you want me to tell you that we ate her scat' Maybe we did put a little in with our smoothies, maybe $ust a fingerful. It%s not important. 0ou can discover your own alternate nutritional ideas. 5ating undercooked meat, fish, and

21

eggs can cause illness, even death. 0ou do want to be careful. Take plenty of antibiotics, etc. #nd anything that makes you throw up should probably be avoided in general practice. +ut don%t you wonder what her shit tastes like' &on%t you want to put your mouth on her tiny pussy and see if it tastes like wildflower honey' I did. I guess that%s part of why starchild and I were compatible. I would mouth her daughter%s tiny vulva while starchild sucked me off, we were rewarding each other. -eep sucking starchild. -eep bouncing your head on my cock. I will please your child. My grandmother keeps walking in while I write this and I%m worried she%ll see the word vulva" and kick me out for writing this book in her house. Take a sip of water. )ompose. )ontinue. Write about the starchild. Tell us everything you know about her. )ross out part of the panopticon. The starchild liked when I peed in her, on her, in her mouth or on her head in the shower. She loved to drink pee. I%ve never met anybody who liked to drink pee as much as the starchild. #nd she liked me to drink her pee, and I complied, locked my mouth around her vulva to get a seal and let her spray up into me. She would $ust be lying on a bed and she%d pee on it, knowing we%d have room service to clean everything up. She liked to see the spread of a li*uid stain spread out across cloth. She got me to pee on her in the elevator once, she was covering her head with her arms saying 7o, no9" but she didn%t want me to stop. She was pretending that I was an attacker she $ust met and I was pissing on her. She liked to think about people pissing on her. !ike her dad. She told me these stories he used to piss on her in the shower, she didn%t know if it was a real memory or $ust something she imagined, that had become real. I suspected the former. +ut you never know. My father also took showers with me way beyond when you would normally stop taking showers with your kids, and I remember being eye level with his $unk and not liking it. 1e did the same with my sisters. 1e had this fetish about parents being open with their kids about se:, so much so that they would leave the door open while they did it, and we Gout of natural curiosityF would follow the sounds into their room and see what they were doing. They left their copy of The /oy of Se:" on the living room table, and their vibrator was alltoo-easily available in their bedside table. So yeah, me and the starchild had some commonality in growing up, with parents who were at least a little se:ually weird, and we had further developed these talents. I was glad that the starchild liked to lick buttholes, for instance, because that shit feels so good it makes me cry. !iterally, makes me well up with tears. #nd I liked being able to do that to her, too, because I wasn%t s*ueamish. So the baby came in the hotel, starchild had her own doctor come meet us, and they did it in the hotel bed that we would sleep in. I got to cut the cord, which I never should have done, it was way too much of a fatherly thing right from the beginning. +ut I got to hear all of starchild%s screaming and see that wrinkly thing come out of her. #ll I could think was I don%t want her pussy to be distended and I can%t wait to see her skinny again, like in the pictures I had seen of her before we met. I didn%t care what she named it. #nd oh=there, is it a girl. 3livia, though, is what she went for, and I thought 3livia sounded like a troubled child and an even more troubled adult, but that may have been a necessity considering the source. Starchild shit herself when she had the baby, and I thought back to the day we met, when starchild had shit herself, and it made me

22

proud. #fter the birth starchild let me clean her off. I did it with washcloths and hand towels from the bathroom and warm water, no soap. She let me clean up around her pussy. It was a pretty intimate moment, the doctor holding the baby and me cleaning off the starchild, the door to the hotel room open and the sound of 3livia screaming. Then the doctor let starchild hold her baby and I was ama(ed to see the si(es of their bodies relative to each other. I hadn%t known an eight-year-old could have a baby. 3r nine, whatever. I was thinking ahead, thinking of how many generations they could fit into a century if everyone had babies at this age. What level of great great grandmother would still be alive when the youngest one had its first baby. I%m nine going on ten, mister," she would say, when I forgot. 3h, sorry." &on%t be sorry." #re you going to !# now'" Soon. #re you coming with me'" I think so. &o you still want me to'" 0es, yes, I do." 3k, then I%ll be there." We have to ride on the plane together." 3k." !et%s leave in a couple nights." #re you going to be ready to travel with her'" I think so. I%ll ask the doc, see what he says, but yes, if it%s alright with him, I say let%s go. &o you need to go home to pack'" I%ll buy more stuff when I get there." Is your apartment going to be ok'" 0eah, I don%t have any pets or anything." 3h baby, someday I want to see your apartment." #m I going to stay with you in !#'" 0es. <nless that%s too..constricting. Is it'" !et%s find out when we get there." 3k, baby. )ome here. -iss me. I $ust had a baby9" I know9" &o you believe it'" 7o." #nd on and on like that we arranged our plans, and I did feel constricted, in a minute, to be traveling with a woman and her baby, and I went back to the day we met in my mind and I was thinking, what am I doing with this woman, $ust because we have great se:, $ust because I was fascinated with her in her movies and now she%s ne:t to me, what am I doing' +ut the fact was when I thought about going back to my friends I felt $ust as constricted. Smallminded, insular, we were a deathtrap. #ll I had was my writing and people I knew through it. That was my lifeboat, at that point in my life, and I figured, fuck it, I%m $ust as well with a stranger and her baby on a plane as I am anywhere. So I turned from the birth mess and I left the starchild lying in a bloody, shitty bed, and I left &r. )have( and 3livia, and I went to my place at the hotel desk, with my laptop, and there I sat down and pulled the chair up and put my fingers to the keyboard and I began to write the story of the starchild and me meeting and me cleaning the shit off her and us living in a hotel room in 7ew 0ork while she had her baby and then I started to reach into the future and write about what would happen on the plane to !os #ngeles and what would happen when we got there and how all our lives would change for the better, somehow, the starchild would start making better movies and I would sell more books, and how 3livia would grow into a healthy teenager who hadn%t had babies yet and she would make her mom proud by going into some normal career like oncology. The term oncology literally means a branch of science that deals with tumours and cancers. The word onco" means bulk, mass, or tumor while -logy" means study. I think of 3livia getting her tiny period, poor baby having cramps and bleeding through her tiny pussy, from about week ten. The starchild wiping her up with toilet paper, blood all over those tiny pussy lips, little chunks of her uterine lining having come down the stream, clots and globs of hematic material

23

flowing from her. It takes a lot of gall to stand there watching a baby%s period and not say anything. Watching the starchild clean her, and say nothing. To hold your tongue, all the while. +ut that%s what I did, I didn%t say a thing. /ust watched it happen, watched their periods synchroni(e and as I licked the blood clots off the starchild, she was licking them off of her child, and we were like that, in a circle, 3livia grabbing my dick with her tiny fingers, the starchild greedily lapping at her daughter%s bloody pussy, and me eating the blood clots off the starchild like a delicacy. The child star would have me wipe her butt sometimes, after she took a shit. She would lean forward and I would take a swipe of toilet paper and reach between her cheeks and wipe all the way back. It gave me a thrill to see her shit, her shit, on the paper I was holding. That was the child star%s shit9 She let me hold it9 Then I would wipe her until she was clean. I would sometimes think of saving off a piece of it, for later. I wasn%t sure what I would do with it, but I had this instinct, this urge, to save one of those pieces of paper to play with in private later. It was the same way with the child%s panty liners@ I used to glue them to the inside of my undies and pull them up. It would make my dick so hard. To think of where her cunt was, inside her panties, and that it would be coated with these liners, and now that was on my penis. It was almost enough to make me cum without touching myself. I would let that panty liner rub against my dick while I walked, it made me mega hard. We used to get these stool sample containers from the hospital and play with those, shit into them and use that tiny shit spork they come with to mash the shit around, pick up little pieces of it and put them to our mouths. &are each other to swallow. 3live, 3live, be *uiet. Shh. 2eople are trying to sleep." This is us on our 70-!# flight, I%m sitting there typing and 3live is waaaing away. I had to go to the bathroom so I snuck back to the rear one and locked myself in. In this tiny space inside an airplane, it%s like being confined within a space in which you are already confined. I had to shit and I thought of our shit games while I did it, but I wiped normally and flushed, visions of shit wiped all over the compartment walls but it wasn%t right. #ctually that%s not why I didn%t do it. I didn%t do it because I would prob%ly get caught. What do they call that' Is that a sociopath, who doesn%t do things for the right reason but because they don%t want to get caught' I can never remember. +ut whatever it is I think I%m one of those. +ack at my seat, 3livia was *uiet for a minute, starchild was breast-feeding her, and I smiled at her and she lay her head down against the side of the plane. I got situated and pulled out my laptop to write. I use 8oogle documents, and they have this very nice feature where you can write even if you%re offline for a few hours, it syncs up afterward. +ut everything looks the same to you, whether you%re on a plane with no internet, or connected up at home. I tried to remember the meeting of the starchild, it was a blur because of all the time we had been spending together, but I tried to get it straight. The starchild was walking down the street, with her crew. They ran into me and my friends. When starchild hit the sidewalk she shat. It ran all up her back and she shat more, and it covered her face like chili. My friends wanted to leave her but I said no, we have to clean her up. So we found an alley with a hose in it and we both stripped down, her so the shit was accessible, me to make her comfortable, then I was holding her head and keeping her hair out of her

24

face while I washed her off and the $ostling made my dick hard. Then she rubbed me against her and we fucked. That was pretty much it, right' The memory had faded since the day it happened, but I was holding together the basic elements with my words. 7ow that it was typed it would harden, the events themselves fading behind, even my sense memories of the situation fading, and what would solidify was the words. We would go back to them, and back to them, and they would be taught in classrooms, and the words would be our central meeting place, beyond which nothing could be reached. 0ou could re-write the story, and in a second telling it might forget a detail and add a detail, such that there was always one canonical version Gthe version at the beginning of this bookF and everything else was a variation on it. 5very fairytale has a central version, one we view that way, then there are millions or billions of retellings, more or less recalling the original. In the future there will be a free food supply for humans, consisting of a shake that contains everything we need. 2eople will still buy and eat regular" food, but this free shake will be available for anyone who wants it. It will be provided by industry, by technology, for humans who are now essentially its pets, like cats are to us. The biggest readers of books will be computers, not people, computers will read us trying to figure us out. In the future starchild will feed me from her teets, and I won%t bite too hard, but she%ll suckle me while she $erks me off. I%ll cum in her hand. She%ll smear the cum all over her face and get some in her mouth. 1er perfect small hands $erk me off. Soft little hands, delicate little thumbs. I pre-cum in her hand and it smooths the way for the rest of her $erk-off. 3nce I cum she keeps rubbing, to make sure I get the last of the sensation. It becomes unbearable, to be touched, at that point, and I clench and s*uirm against her, my hands clasped together above my chest. I wish we could do this on the airplane. That would be ideal. Starchild $erking me off in the airplane seat, me suckling her teet. I couldn%t wait for her pussy to be ready again, I needed it, missed it, and wanted to see what it would be like after 3livia. Instead I sat back, ad$usted my screen, and undertook to write down as much of what had happened between me and starchild as I could remember. I had dreamt it, and it was happening in the story I was writing. Was it also real' The starchild was sitting right ne:t to me, holding her baby. So it was real, too. It was all of these things at once. 0ou get the feeling watching certain movies that they weren%t able to do what they wanted to, based on what was on the page. #merican 2sycho is one of these movies. There is such a disparity between what happens on the screen and what Nmore thatO happens in the book that it%s almost a different story. )ertainly more tame in the movie version. Same thing with Teeth. 0ou look at certain scenes in that movie where say she%s sitting on the edge of the bath and staring into nothingness. 0ou get the sense that she would be playing with herself in the script, but they couldn%t film it for a variety of reasons. 1ollywood is neutered thus. We need more graphic films. #nd more graphic books. &on%t pussyfoot. #s I certainly am. I certainly am9 I am giving you one-tenth of the story I could give you, because I am afraid9 This is the best I can do. Someday a real writer will come along and give you e:actly what you should be given. It isn%t me. I will do in the meantime, as a stopgap, something to tide you over until someone real comes along. &o you believe that' It doesn%t

25

matter. It%s irrelevant@ it%s $ust a writer%s doubt. &o you believe a writer%s doubt' It makes no difference, nothing I say will convince you of anything9 Is it even real' Is that how I feel' 0ou don%t even know that' 0ou know nothing9 I know water flows into the glass. I know water flows out of the glass. I know teets are for suckling, farmer bent down sucking the teets of his cow directly, unpasteuri(ed milk, full fat. I know that blood is the life force, I know that I should drink it, like roses need blood, people need blood too. I know in a nosebleed situation, that the patient swallows gulps of their own blood and it must be good for them. I know that I take the child%s menstrual cup and shoot it like whiskey, clots and all, and I contain her, I gain some of her power. 2ower that she would throw away, e:tra power, so it%s not like I%m taking any away from her. Slam9 Slam that cup, swallow, wince, slam the cup down on the side of the sink. See my face in the mirror, blood clot hanging out of my mouth, a drip of blood on the other side. Wipe it off with the back of my hand, go again. !et%s go again9" I can%t9" I want to suck your pussy of all its blood. +ring you to me." Stop, baby9 Stop9" +ring you here." I%m grabbing her hips, bringing her close and cupping my mouth around her pussy lips, sucking as hard as I can, reaching my tongue up inside her to ream her out and she%s grabbing my hair and s*uirming her legs and pulling away from me. I want more." I know you want more but I have to make more first. !et me tell you when the cup is full." &oes this make us vampires'" 0es9 0es9 This makes us vampires. That means I can sell this book to literary agents as having to do with vampires, and they%ll pay attention right away9 I want your blood9" I want you to have it. I do9" she shrieks. 0ou%re a monster." I%m a menstrual vampire. There%s a difference. Make more. 8o and make more blood madame." I will. Trust me, I will. 8ive me that." #nd so on, etc. after she had had her first period of our relationship. I liked her not-pregnant. I liked her pregnant too. The starchild was my idol. If you%re wondering what parts of this book to believe and which parts to take as fiction, I would recommend you believe..all of it. 8imme my cup9" I have to clean it first9" GWith my tongue.F I%ll give you your menstrual cup in a minute, bitch. +ut you%re my bitch. )%mon, let%s have mess-free se: on my period9" What are you saying'" That%s what it says in the ads. !et%s try it." Try it' We%ve been having mess-free se: on your period." So it works." It works for more than that9" 8ive me. My motherfucking. )up." 1ere." Thank you." She s*uee(es it back up inside her. 7ow I want to have mess-free se: with you." 0ou do'" Mmm-hmm. )%mere." We had mess-free se: on that and many of her periods, though we were no strangers to messes, so it was more of a novelty than a necessity with us. I liked her blood on my dick. +ut it was fine to have blood-free se: with her as well, with the baby crying on the bed ne:t to us and starchild%s pussy fully available now that she wasn%t all s*uished up with the baby. 0our cervi:%s dropped." &on%t tell me about my cervi:. I need to make some calls." )an I fuck you while'" 0es, $ust go easy. When you slam into my cervi: it hurts." 3k, I will." !ancPme' 0eah, we%re back. I need you to come over now, help me with some things. &on%t ask9 !ancPme, I%m serious, right away. 3k. +ye. #re you still fucking me' 0ou%re doing it so gently I can hardly feel you. 3k. /ust a few more calls. -eep doing what you%re doing, you don%t have to go so gentle, it%s ok I $ust don%t want you slamming into my cervi:.

26

-en(ie' 0ou there' )all me back this connection%s terrible. 0o. )ome over I%m back in town. 0eah you can bring people. Who do you want to bring' /ust bring two or three. 7o more. -en(ie. I%ve got my baby now I can%t be havin% too many people over. 0ou%re gonna get to see her9 I know. 8et your ass over here. +ye. 0ou can fuck me harder I didn%t mean to scare you with the cervi: thing. I%m telling you4 fuck me harder. 1ere, I%ll wait to make the rest of my calls until you cum. I want to see this." So she watched me cum, and then I left her, and she went back to her calls, lying naked on her bed with the baby lying beside her in a disposable diaper, *uiet now. When -en(ie got there it was 1ey guurl"s and What up"s and this slightly-human form of communication in which they caught up on what%s been going on and how everybody had been doing. -en(ie and !ancPme had both been there in 7ew 0ork when the child had shit herself, and they%d flown back separately once it was clear the child was spending time with me. I had seen them only for a bit at the hotel. !ancPme, I need you to get me a babysitter. 7anny. Whatever. Someone to take care of 3live. )an you do that without further prompting'" I got you. 0ou need a nanny. &o you want a man or a woman'" &oesn%t matter. /ust get someone I can trust my baby to9 8o9 8o9" !ancPme went down the stairs with her phone out. Starchild was on the bed with $ust her panties on. -en(ie and three other girls were crowded around 3livia and I kept spa((ing and thinking she was mine, that I had been the father and $ust forgot, then I would remind myself that I wasn%t the father and sort of pinch myself out of that reality. So these girls are crowded around 3livia and they%re coo-ing and ahh-ing over her and I%m trying to learn everyone%s names but they don%t have the slightest interest in helping me do that, they $ust want to fawn over 3livia and the star. So..you%re .orest'" +rooke." 3h. Sorry. #nd you were'" Mehgan." 1i Megan." Then she coo-coos insanely over 3livia and I start to wish I was the father so I could cut out this nonsense. -en(ie is the only one who will talk to me. Were you there for the birth'" 0es, it was beautiful." &id you two have fun in 7ew 0ork'" 0eah, we $ust fucked the whole time." That%s my star. 8ood girl. I think she likes you." )hild, I%ll be downstairs." I grab my laptop and she smiles, and I go downstairs to the first floor of the starchild%s house. !ancPme is on her phone, typing. What are you doing'" 2lacing ads for nannies. If you need anything let me know." 6eally'" 0eah, anything you or starchild need, $ust ask." )an you order sandwiches and stuff'" Whatever." She says it cheerily. I settle into one of the chairs and start writing. !ancPme." 0es'" )an I get a cheesesteak'" Sure thing. #nything for starchild'" 0es, get her a lasagna. #nd have them put olives on the top of the lasagna. 3k'" 3k. 0ou want to ride with me to pick it up'" <m. Sure. +e nice to get out." 3k, let me call it in, we%ll go." !ancPme orders the lunch on her phone and I%m listening to giggling coming from upstairs. 6eady'" !et%s go." !ancPme has an old 1onda hatchback, black, with (illions of political bumper-stickers on the back, left-leaning. Why did your parents name you !ancPme'" They didn%t. I named myself that." Why'" Sort of as a $oke." 1ow long have you worked for the star' 0ou do work for her right'" 0eah. #bout a year. 1er last assistant *uit. )ouldn%t take her bossiness. +ut, if you%re a personal assistant, you know, what do you e:pect'" What kind of stuff does she

27

make you do'" 5verything." !ike does she make you do her laundry'" I get someone to do it. She doesn%t make me get messy or anything. If it%s something messy she has me get someone to do it." So how far away is this place'" We have to go to two places. +ut don%t worry. I know a place for really good cheesesteaks, you%ll like this one." I%m not worried. /ust thank you for getting this stuff." 0ou don%t have to thank me." I%m used to saying thank you." +ut I get paid. So you don%t have to say it. It%s better if you don%t. /ust tell me to do things and I%ll do my best to get them done." 3k." 3k, good, now let%s en$oy the ride9" #nd !ancPme puts her moon roof down, and there%s a little opening in the roof of the car, letting in more !# air and the sun. The cheesesteak was e:cellent, and I forgot about our agreement and thanked !ancPme, but she didn%t give me a hard time about it, $ust gave me a look in the eye and I gave her a look back, and we understood that I wouldn%t do it again. I ate the whole thing in one sitting and was aware that I was getting fatter, it made me uncomfortable and I wondered if starchild would start to hate me if I got fat. 1ow fat could I get and she still love me' I ate the cheesesteak anyway, downstairs, on one of the comfy chairs, while !ancPme was returning calls to possible nannies, and starchild sat in the bed upstairs eating lasagna in $ust her panties, with -en(ie and friends all around, worshipping her. I had gained ten pounds over the last year, which was not the direction I meant to be heading. She didn%t seem to mind Git was all in the bellyF but would it push her away' She was already recovering from the baby, getting her figure back, those little eight-year-old breasts. Should I do sit-ups' What was the best way to get rid of a belly' Maybe I should pick up a )osmopolitan for Tummy Trimmer Tips. I thought of picking up smoking. I would have to eat less, was the bottom line. !ess restaurants. GI know it%s fewer, bitch, let me alone.F #nd characteristics like this are where this thing could be lumped in with #lt !it, which I definitely do not want to be lumped in with. 7ote to self4 make a list of things I can do to e:clude myself from #lt !it. Ways to &ress, etc. Maybe my weight was enough to e:clude me. #lt !it is all skinny hip people. I%m neither skinny nor hip. Maybe that was enough to do it. My penis felt warm, when it hit the sides of my legs, and my scrotum was warm, too. It made me want to masturbate, but, I can%t, because of the medicine. #t least I%m psychologically healthy. )an%t $erk my loins but at least I%m psychologically healthy. My shoulders ride up when I type. It can%t be very attractive. The starchild doesn%t care. She likes=whatever she likes about me, and that isn%t going to change. Maybe change the hair. If I grow a beard I definitely couldn%t be in #lt !it. Maybe if I ridicule more #lt !it writers publicly, I%ll fit in less. +e less accepted by people whose association puts me closer to the #lt !it camp. &efinitely grow a beard. Start e:ercising. Maybe use aging creams. I%ll never look eight but I could look closer to twenty. 1oney, I%m four times your age. I used a calculator for that. &rink more water. Scratch your nose. 2retend to be typing. Maybe I%ll have a good idea for this book if I sit here long enough. I%ve got the starchild, there%s that. I%m having se: with an eight year old, so there%s that. We%ve got those two things going for us. The discussion of shit, that%s something. The candid author-side snapshots, like this one. I have ideas for possible endings, possible themes. 7ot sure how long it will take to get from here to there. Trimming words off sentences. )lipped. &idn%t

28

need that one. Must lose weight. #bsolutely must lose weight. &o my chores. Write my book. <se my own uni*ue style. I am a snowflake. I could say !indsay !ohan was calling. 7o, her lawyer. GThe phone rings.F GI answer.F GIt%s !indsay !ohan%s lawyer.F Who was that'" !ancPme says. That was !indsay !ohan%s lawyer." Why'" She%s suing me for using her name in my book." The book you%re working on'" 0eah." +ut it isn%t even published yet, how does she know it%s in there." I%m live-writing it." What does that mean'" It means the document%s available online for anyone to read it, they can watch me writing it live." 1ow did she find it'" I don%t know, she must sit around googling her name or something." That%s pathetic." 7o, but it%s stuff like that. !ike if you say Lthat%s pathetic% then it gives her suit strength, because you%re defaming her. 3r libeling her. 3r something. I don%t really understand the nuts and bolts I $ust understand that she%s suing me." 0ou $ust found this out'" 7o, I%ve known this for about thirty pages now." Weird. 0ou measure time in pages. What can I do to help'" )all her lawyer back and tell him that you know who really wants her to drop the suit. 7o, there%s nothing you can do, I have to go to court." 6ight now'" 7o, but in a couple of weeks." Well don%t worry about it, then. If there%s nothing you can do." I could edit her out of the book. I really wish she%d $ust come around and see I%m not a bad guy and that if we hung out she%d really like me. &o you think starchild could talk to her'" 0ou mean her alter ego, starchild' !ike could !indsay%s alter ego talk to !indsay herself about getting you out of this law suit'" See, don%t say stuff like that, it%ll get me in trouble. Starchild isn%t !indsay%s alter ego, I $ust said that if the starchild were real, she might be !indsay !ohan. +ut I clearly stated that the starchild wasn%t !indsay and that !indsay wasn%t the starchild so whatever defamation suit she has should be dropped." I get you. Won%t say that she%s her alter ego anymore. Sorry." It%s no problem. 0ou might have $ust cost me ten million dollars Gwhich I don%t haveF, but it%s ok. I have to write. Sometimes I think I can do this and sometimes I feel like a complete idiot. I%m $ust an idiot at a keyboard. Who isn%t' We%re all idiots. +ut especially me, since I%m trying to be something. Trying to maintain some sort of fame, nothing like the starchild, but still, my own level of fame. &o you ever $ust feel like you%re an idiot'" 7o," !ancPme says, and I leave her downstairs to do her work, shutting my laptop closed and going upstairs without it. Starchild is kneeling in her panties with the lasagna tray beside her. -en(ie and friends are in a semicircle around her. Starchild is talking. #nd I%m not going to be seen anymore with him. 1e is out. 3ut. If I ever see him it will be in court." I say, #re you talking about me'" Starchild leans over and hugs me, her breasts rubbing against me. We%re talking about..your predecessor." 3h." This real sly guy, thought he was all that. Thought he was a banger. 1e can gangbang all he wants Lcause he will meet his end." .uck him." 0eah, fuck him." 0ou%re done with him now." I know, try to keep up, that%s e:actly what we%re talking about. I%m done with him. If he fights for the baby I will take his ass to court." Then she turns to me. &on%t worry, no one%s taking our baby away from us. We%ll go to court if we have to." I might already be going to court." What for'" !indsay !ohan is suing me." What'" 0eah." Why'" .or this book. She says it%s defamation of character or something. She wants to make me the ne:t eTrade, but I

29

don%t have the deep pockets to pay her off." What'9 0ou have got to be fucking kidding me. 0our book isn%t even published9" I%m live-writing it." What does she do, sit around googling her name all day'" That%s what !ancPme said. I don%t know what she does. I thought she would like it, !indsay I mean. I thought she might get the humor." !et me have a talk to her." )ould you' I mean, are you connected'" She%ll take a call from me, yeah baby, I%ll take care of this. &on%t worry. I%ll call her right now. 8imme me phone." 0ou have her phone number'" We%ve met, yes. !indsay' It%s the starchild. I%m gonna cut straight to the shit why are you suing my boyfriend'" Starchild looks at me. Is that ok if I call you that'" 0eah." We kiss. 0eah well that%s my boyfriend. I think you two should meet before you sue him. .ine, sue him9 +ut I think you should at least meet before you sue him." Starchild thought about telling !indsay the part about him cleaning off the shit in 7ew 0ork with a hose, but decided against it. Well, I respect that but I%m saying I think you should meet him first. This isn%t eTrade9 3k, I%ll call you back later." Starchild throws the phone down on the bed. She%s thinking about it. She might meet you. We%ll $ust have her over and see if we can%t straighten this out. #www, I%m sorry baby. 2oor baby, !indsay !ohan is suing you. 2oor, poor baby. )ome here' 0ou want a hand$ob' They don%t mind. !et me get you off, come up here. 0ou want my mouth' I%ll use my mouth a little." I get up on the bed. Starchild fellates me while -en(ie and friends watch. Starchild plays with my nipples and finally sucks me off, a big wad of cum in her mouth. While she does it -en(ie and friends $ust sit there, dumbly, occasionally talking about a boy they met, mostly $ust sitting silent. It makes me nervous, but still I cum, right there in her mouth= bang9 When she%s done I don%t even pull my pants, I $ust lie there curled around the starchild, holding her crotch to my face, she%s got a leg over my neck. I%m $ust smelling her through her panties, the smell of her cunt, it pacifies me, and, my butt sticking out in -en(ie%s face, I think about falling asleep. I%m taking deep breaths, like meditating, but with the only purpose being that I inhale as much of starchild%s pussy smell as humanly possible. They%re talking. Mostly it%s starchild talking, this weird monologue. So I was telling 6anger that everybody got naked on the set to make me feel more comfortable, and that was the only way I could do it, was if everybody got naked. I mean )allis%s dick was hanging out, his balls, all goose-looking, like a fucking turkey neck but that%s what made me ok to do it, was seeing )allis%s turkey neck. #nd one of the cameramen had a really big schlong, but everyone else was normal to small. It made me laugh to see it9 +ut we did the scene, which 6anger thought we would never do but I talked to the producer and I was like LSee9 We did it9% and he was happy that we got the shot of course. 3f course all those guys care about is the money. &id you see any new pictures of me come out'" 7o." #re you sure. I%m sure some little cameraman had his phone out. &id you see anything'" 7o, star." 8ood. Those motherfuckers. I know somebody took a picture." Why do you care' It%s going to be in the movie." 7o, but it%s different if it%s some guy%s phone. In the movie they color-correct and make everything look pretty. 3n the phone it%s $ust like4 +am9 We have a shot of your bum." That we%re going to sell to TMQ." 6ight." I don%t believe !indsay !ohan is suing you. What a bitch." It%s ok. It%s $ust par for the course." What'" It%s par for the course." What

30

does that mean'" It means it%s e:pected. It%s normal. It%s $ust what you would e:pect the outcome to be." 2ar for the course." 6ight. It%s from golf." I%ve never played golf. The clubs are too big for me." 0ou need a chair to play table tennis9" Shorty9" I%m not short, I%m vertically challenged." There%s a difference'" #h, lol, go ahead, laugh. 1ave some fun at my e:pense. It%s nothing new. It%s par for the course. #m I using that right'" 0es." See' It%s par for the course. 0ou fuckers are lucky I was lonely today." 1ow could you be lonely' With your man." 1e%s working. 1e happens to be writing a book. Something you slags will never do." What%s it about'" It%s about me and the starchild. 1ow we meet, the adventures we go through. #nd it features !indsay !ohan, of course, because she%s suing me, as discussed. 0ou%re not allowed to write books about real people, apparently." 5ven if they%re fiction." Well, I contend that you can write real people into your books, fiction books, and it%s ok, because writers have to be able to say whatever they want to say, by free speech and everything. +ut !ohan, the real !indsay !ohan, sees it differently. She thinks she%s a protected entity about which no one can say anything, even fictionally. 1ence the motherfucking law suit." What%s your obsession with !indsay !ohan anyway'" What do you mean'" Well, you imagine this law suit between you and her, fantasi(e about that as a way to meet her. It seems to me you%re $ust obsessed with the star, in a creepy, stalkerish way." +ut I have my starchild. What would I need !indsay !ohan for'" 0ou admit that if the starchild was real she would be !indsay !ohan, so there." So there' What, are we five'" &efend yourself." I don%t have to defend myself." 0ou like !indsay !ohan, admit it." # lot of people like !indsay !ohan. I $ust happen to be penning a book." #re you obsessed'" 7o." &idn%t you used to have a similar fascination with actress /ulia Stiles, pretending she had contacted you via the internet, etc.'" I remember that, the /ulia Stiles thing." 0ou had a thing for /ulia Stiles." I did. It%s true. I wrote her into art I was making at the time, paintings." So this is $ust something you do with famous women' Write them into your art as a way of becoming close to them, since no other avenue of closeness is available'" I guess I do." &on%t you think that%s kind of sad and pathetic'" It could be. So you%re saying4 even the starchild is a form of hero worship and I should look at that'" My therapist nodded. So you mean4 you don%t think it%s healthy for me to spend all of my time having pretend relationships with female movie stars' Is that what you mean'" Maybe. I%m $ust trying to understand what it is you do, so that we can discuss it. The choice of what to do is yours." Well I choose..I mean if I collapse all my star relationships my book is kind of through, so, I choose that the starchild shall remain, in all her shitDglory. #nd I%ll leave !i!o up to !i!o. If she keeps suing me, I%ll continue to try to relate to her interpersonally, to use the lawsuit as a way to come into contact with her. If she doesn%t sue me, then I%ll dismantle my relationship construct with her, and stop thinking about her altogether. #re there any other stars we need to deal with'" 0ou tell me." I think that%s it, but I might have some hidden relationships in there somewhere, ones I don%t know about, those might pop up at the least convenient moment. I%ll keep an eye out." See that you do." #re we done now' I feel like you%re interrogating me." I guess we%ll save #lt !it for ne:t time." I guess so. 8oodbye." #lt !it was yet a

31

thorn in my side. I tried to reach out to one of its minor members, e:tended a courtesy, and was completely ignored. It left a sour taste in my mouth. +itch. 0ou try to be nice to someone Gwhile they%re hurtingF and they don%t even say thank you. I guess it%s to be e:pected. My problem is I e:pect everybody to act like me4 to return courtesy, etc. 5tc. 5tc. 5tc. I had a dream about pi((a last night. That I was eating pi((a, holding it on the underside of my left arm and scooping it into my mouth. Then I was at camp with a bunch of old kids from my church, and I was remarking how long it had been since I%d been to camp. That was my dream. <nremarkable. Sometimes you get the starchild, sometimes you get camp. My snot has been forming in a new configuration since I started meditating. It used to gather right in the middle of the nostril plate. 7ow it gathers, at a slower pace, in the topDback of the nostril plate. It makes picking my nose more difficult, as the snot is harder to reach since it%s further back. +ut it means I have to pickDblow less fre*uently, and I%ve settled into a rhythm of doing snot rockets in the morning into the sink and then I%m pretty much good for the rest of the day. That%s an improvement for me. I used to have to attend to my nose more often. 7ow it%s pretty much set. It pretty much does its own thing. +ut I do have mucous gathering at the back of my throat, which is very difficult to swallow, Lcause I can%t get a grip on it. It $ust sits back there, stuck to my throat, while I try to swallow. I%m listening to 1ouse of 2ain, /ump #round while I write this. That and !ady 8a8a. #s I type on my laptop. #ss e:posed, starchild having $ust sucked me off, I pull up my pants and go downstairs. I get my laptop and go back upstairs. I walk downstairs again. Then upstairs. Then downstairs. Then upstairs. Then I get stuck in an infinite loop and the book can%t continue, we have to stop here, thank you for reading but there has been a technical issue which we are working *uickly to resolve. Starchild sticks her finger up my butt. I%m embarrassed that when she pulls it out in front of -en(ie that it%ll have shit on it, and I don%t want them to see my shit. It%s ok for them to see my cock, it%s not ok for them to see my shit. It%s personal. So starchild fingers me for a while and then pulls her finger out. I can%t tell from the way it feels whether there%s shit on it or not. It always feels like it does, even when it%s not messy. I don%t ask, I don%t look, I $ust lie there with my ass e:posed to -en(ie and friends. Starchild $ust sucked me off. If there%s shit on her finger it%s ok. She can wash it off, or lick it, I don%t care. Sometimes she $ust wipes her finger on my skin if there%s $ust a little bit of shit on it. We saw the inauguration today on T,. There was a poet, I guess he%s the national poet. It was nice but you%d never consider him a serious poet. It was too nice. #nd too plain. 7o mis-use of language. 7o challenge. +ut the country clapped and smiled and said his poetry was wonderful, even when all the real poets knew it sucked. 2enny 8oring was a real poet, even though she was #lt !it. .or all I knew I was #lt !it. 7o one could ever tell if it was all sycophants or if it would stand up to time. +ut I didn%t think it would, didn%t think anyone would be remembering #lt !it in ten years. +ut I%m no historian, who knows. I guess it depends on who you ask. #sk Steve 6oggenbuck, he%d probably say #lt !it is the sun and the stars. 3r he%d slip you some video of people in costumes bouncing around like idiots and claim this was the biggest boost" he had gotten in a long time. #sk someone from the traditional

32

book world, they%d have no idea that #lt !it ever e:isted. My fear is being included in this group that I have openly critici(ed. +ut I%ve never seen any prose" writers included in them, $ust poets." So I%m probably safe. Is that shit on your finger, child' I imagine it dripping hot onto my back, plopping off her finger like ice cream. If you%re stuck in a literature class reading this then I apologi(e, you%ve been swindled by your professor and me. 0ou%ll have to analy(e every shit reference. 0ou%ll have to go research who the hell Steve 6oggenbuck is, because he%s a flash in the pan who you%ve likely never heard of, whose only trick is swapping homophones and spelling life lief". +ravo, mister. I%m sick of these writers on twitter. 2enny 8oring and Sarah 5. Melville are the only ones I can stand. 3ther than that you%ve got people who are too hip for their own good or people who are too campy to be relevant. I%m alone out there. 7o one is writing like me. There is no one to read me yet. I am hoping you will be born soon. It%s $ust un$ustified ego and idiot-worship. 7o one%s doing anything real. Is there shit on my ass or not' Starchild' She sticks her finger back in. Must not be shit on it. She s*uirms her finger in my ass and I can feel her fingernail. She likes it in there, warm and s*uishy, and I know e:actly what it feels like because I%ve put my fingers up there, e:plored. 5ven used a small dildo in my ass one time, that was fine, I had never had a real dick in my ass and didn%t want to, mostly because I don%t like men. Men have let me down more than women have. Women have let me down too. +ut men have let me down more. That%s why I prefer not to have dick in my ass. I%m pre$udiced against men, don%t want to have anything to do with them, se:ual or otherwise. They%ve been managers I had to work for before my writing got going, always assholes. They%ve been my father, a grand disappointment. They%ve been preachers at churches I%ve attended, always hypocrites. They%ve been best friends, who go cra(y or betray you in some other way. #nyway I%ve had my fill of guys. #nd stereotypical gentlemen I have no love for. .ootball, se:-obsession Gthat isn%t really se: obsession but rather a way to self-hate and woman-hate while briefly copulatingF, everything macho, it sucks. I would rather hang around women, with all their particular flaws. It%s my preferred gender. I play women in role-playing games because that%s what I like to look at. I can%t imagine playing a man. &oes this mean I have a confused se:uality, that I want to be a woman' I would never consider reconstructive surgery, so I don%t think I really want to be a woman. +ut I like to play with the idea in my mind, pretend I am a woman when I%m masturbating, that I%m playing with a vagina instead of a dick, that I%m fucking my own vagina with my own dick, lying on top of myself and lying below. So I%m not e:actly cis. +ut I think you get the picture. 2laying with ma:i-pads. Wearing women%s underwear to masturbate in. I love that little pad that goes against their lips. !ove to rub myself with it, to rub myself with the lacy parts of women%s underwear. !ove to be ass-fingered by a woman. There%s the dream part of this story and there%s the real part. When do we range from one into the other' &oes it matter' It%s all a dream to you. Seeing starchild lick a dollop of poop off her finger, gag, and swallow. She%s better at it that I am. It makes me throw up. +ut I do it anyway, throwing up vomit and shit into the toilet, gagging tight against nothingness, nothing else to throw up. Then I%m rinsing with water and using mouthwash, then brushing my teeth and using mouthwash again.

33

Then the thought of it making me gag. Starchild perfectly serene, swallowed a dollop of shit. She%s a badass. I can%t match her. 2umping my asshole with her finger, pump, pump. I%m looking at -en(ie and she%s looking at me. My dick hardens against the bed. I reach out and touch -en(ie%s hand. She licks my middle finger. &o you like that'" That%s starchild, pumping me. 3oh, you got hard again. &o you need it more'" Starchild grabs my dick with her other hand, starts rubbing. I%m looking -en(ie in the eye and a tear comes out of mine, as starchild has stuck her tongue out and rimmed me around the asshole. -en(ie pets my hand. I look at her girlfriends. They%re late teens at the oldest. I want to fuck them all. I imagine what%s underneath their clothes and I would fuck them all if it was ok with the starchild. I don%t want to offend her by asking, though. What if it makes her think I don%t like her' Starchild is the best of any of them, for sure. I%d rather have her than go through a *uick fuck with any of -en(ie%s girls. +ut a *uick fuck with -en(ie%s girls would be nice. 7o one seems to be making a move. It%s $ust me halfnaked wrapped around the starchild, getting my asshole serviced. I take my hand back from -en(ie and start typing. &ear !indsay !ohan%s !awyer," I begin. +ut hasn%t that kid been lying here the whole time, at my feet, as I%m wrapped around the starchild, and I toe her. 2oke poke. 2oke. She coos. I sit up and move around to where the baby is. )an I pick her up'" Sure. 1ere." The starchild picks up 3livia and hands her to me. I cradle her. I%m looking at her face. She%s awake, alert, *uiet. She%s so good right now." She is. She%s being so good." It%s hard to e:plain it, but holding her gives me this feeling of I%ll-kill-anyone-whotries-to-harm-her. It%s this primitive feeling, it $ust comes upon me. #nd what the feeling is, literally, is a call to defend, to the death, this child. .rom any attacker. I%ve never felt this feeling before. I%ve held babies before, but when I was younger, like a kid. This time around it%s different. It%s like I was meant to hold this child. Is it a father instinct' Imagine if this kid was mine9 Wouldn%t I feel this even more intensely' I struggled for a half an hour over whether to use the word intensely" or intently" in that last sentence. What if this kid was mine' What would I feel then. Then I was having urges to have children with the starchild, which was a foolish idea since she was such a rolling stone, it would never work, would it' It wouldn%t. Why am I thinking this way' &oes it bother you when I switch tenses in the middle of a thought' I think it is divine. 3verdue. I fret over punctuation. Two sentences' 3ne sentence with a comma' The rare semicolon' #nd em dash' )omma before a *uotation' That%s what keeps me up at night. That%s what keeps me tossing and turning. I%ll debate a comma, debate a period. 1ey, little 3livia." )all her 3live." 1ey, 3live." I think I%m gonna call her 3live." Sounds nice. 3live. +aby little 3live. 0ou%re $ust lying there. 0ou can see me, but what are you thinking' #re you dreaming of what you%re going to be when you grow up'" &on%t overpressure her." 3k, forget I said anything 3live, I $ust like holding you9" I%m putting my finger in her hand. She grips it. 0ou should write a will." What'" # will. )hild, you need a will, now that you%ve got 3live. 2ut her down to get whatever you want to give her. Make sure she%s taken care of. 0ou know. # will." I%ll talk to ,incent about it." ,incent'" My lawyer." 3h. I%m%onna put you down now, 3live. Sweet 3live9 I wonder if you%ll like olives. 8ood baby. So nice and

34

*uiet, we like it when you%re *uiet. 1ere you go." I hand the baby to the child and she holds her for a while. &o you wanna nurse' See how big my breasts have gotten9" 0eah9" That%s because they%re filled with milk for my baby. 0eah. 8ood baby. 0ou hungry' She%s not hungry. It%ll be here for you later if you want it, ok 3live'" The starchild lays her baby down and strokes her forehead with a finger. &on%t they give all your money to the closest relative'" 0eah but you should still have a will." What if there%s no more gross stuff in this book' Will you still read it' If I stop talking about poop and eating poop and all that, will I still hold your interest' I am insanely curious about such things. What if the entire rest of the book is the word what" repeated over and over' Will you turn the pages very *uickly and finish your reading ahead of schedule' What is the difference between a book filled with copies of the same word over and over and a book with a great diversity of words' What makes something readable' 1ow much diversion can a reader take' 1ow little sense' 1ow much plot is too little' Too much' Is there a sweet spot of randomness that $ust works" for people in a certain language' &o you need to feel the author had a plan' &oes it matter to you how many times an author revised their work' #m I $ust buying clothes for my grandmother%s funeral' &oes she have a will' #m I in it' We searched the house for hours and couldn%t find her. She%s still missing, and her car is parked in a different spot than the one where she always parks. Is it a sign' Something wrong with her brain' &id she $ust wander off down the street' Will someone find her' 6eturn her' What movies do you remember having seen' #re there some that are specially important to you' Why' &id you ever see the cops and robbers flick 1eat' Why would that appeal to me, guys with guns robbing things. Why is that one of my favorite movies, aesthetically' &id Michael Mann e:ist $ust for me, so I could watch his movie' Who is in charge of who' #s a consumer, don%t I have incredible power to demand the service of what I like' 3r is it $ust an illusion of control, and I%m really the slave. I think it is the latter. When you write a will are you putting it out there" that you%ll die NsoonO' I saw a T, character the other day who reminded me of one of my first girlfriends. I wish I had had se: sooner. It was $ust her face and her hair, they looked similar. When I see the T, actress I think about having se: with that old friend. We had it good. .or a while. Isn%t that how it always goes' Things are good for a while. Then, predictably, after a while, everything falls apart. It%s the shape of life. We all, institutions, animals, people, die. We have it good for a while, though, and you better en$oy that part while it%s happening. I%m glad I%m not involved in any cults. I%m too individual for that, too strong. I%ve been on the same medicine now for si: months and I%m doing fine. !ast time my doctor thought I was doing well enough that he didn%t need to see me for three months. This time it%s five months. &oing well isn%t something I%m familiar with. Things are always falling apart for me. They have been since high school. 7ow my writing%s going good and I have starchild. That%s all anyone needs, is a little starchild. .orget that she%s eight or nine years old. .orget that it%s probably illegal for me to be dating her. She%s mine right now, and I know it won%t last forever, but it%s good right now and I%m en$oying it while it lasts. 1er pussy is so sweet. #nd I can relate to her, in a ma$or way. Something about her crass, $ilted, $aded self is perfect for me. She doesn%t

35

set the mood too high. She knows things fall apart. She%s seen more falling apart than I have, given her career. She knows people aren%t always telling you the truth. She%s used to people trying to take advantage of her. So when someone comes along who isn%t, it%s oh so nice. I know I am nice for her, too. She likes me for her particular reasons. Whatever they are, they seem to be sufficient, for she lays spread for me whenever I want to do it to her, she speaks to me openly, she lets me hold her child. Starchild." 0eah'" I almost ask if -en(ie and friends could leave the room but I don%t. They%ve already seen me get sucked off, I guess they can listen to this. I%m eeling some love right now. .or 3livia. #nd also for you. I know that might sound silly=" 7o9 It doesn%t sound silly. I have love for you, too. I%ve felt it from the moment you were holding my hair off my face when you were washing me. I love you, too." I love you. Wow." It%s good." It is good. I%m not trying to make too big a deal out of it, but I%m saying if you%re planning to break up with me, know that that would really hurt me. #nd I know that eventually it will have to happen, but=" &on%t worry, I%m not breaking up with you." I%m not breaking up with you either, I $ust. #nyway." #ww," -en(ie said. 1er girls were both asleep. That%s sweet. 0ou two are so cute together. 0ou three are so cute together. )an we sit out by the pool'" Wake them two up, we%ll go down there. &id you bring bathing suits'" We did." Well change and meet me down there. &o you want to bring 3live or do you want me to bring her'" 0ou bring her." I grab my laptop. &o you have a swimsuit'" 7o, I%m $ust going to swim naked." Me too. 3r in these. #re you wearing bo:ers'" +riefs." 0ou can wear those. 3r feel free to go naked it doesn%t matter. &on%t worry about your !indsay !ohan thing, we%ll get you fi:ed up." I think I might be obsessed with her." #re you dangerous'" I don%t know." I would say you%re not but I don%t know, with you. 0ou $ust might be." Thank you." 8o on, I%ll meet you down there. )heck on !ancPme." So I go downstairs, pulling up my pants, and !ancPme is dutifully sitting in one of the comfy chairs and making calls. I think I got you a nanny," she says to me. 8ood," I say. Tell starchild. She%s coming down." 1ow was your lunch'" 5:cellent. 8reat cheesesteak. Thanks." 7o problem. #nd don%t thank me." We%re going swimming, do you want to come'" I%ll sit out there with you." I was looking at !ancPme%s body trying to see beneath her $eans, but it didn%t work. She was cloaking her pussy, had it on lock. I couldn%t get anywhere with this one. She was all business. !ancPme'" What'" 7evermind. I%ll see you outside." I set up a chair and sat down with my laptop. I took my shirt off. Starchild coming outside with the baby. Starchild talking with !ancPme about the nanny. Starchild reminding !ancPme that she needed final approval of the nanny. Starchild accepting a response from !ancPme. Starchild coming outside with the baby. Starchild yelling inside for !ancPme to get a blanket. Starchild arranging the blanket, folded multiple times, so that 3live could lie on it. Starchild putting the blanket too close to the pool. Starchild laying 3live down on the blanket. Starchild telling !ancPme where to sit Gne:t to the blanket, so she could watch 3liveF. Starchild nodding at me, still in $ust her panties, standing godlike by the swimming pool. That%s the girl I fuck. That is where I put my dick. 1e goes with her. She belongs to me, right now. She is where I cum, in whom I cum.

36

That%s my cum receptacle. She%s nothing but a cum receptacle9 She holds my cum. I love that eight-year-old. 1er tiny vagina. 2erfect for my virgin-killer penis. 1er little ass, her asshole, so cute. 1er slender arms, little hands. She gets wrapped so tight around me, makes me so hard. I fit in her like a slug. Snug. +umped right into her. -nocked her on the ground. She shit all up her back. I am going to eat her shit ne:t time, do it right. 1ave her shit in my mouth while I%m eating her butthole, s*uirt hot out of her right into my mouth. )atch her. )apture her. Shit all in my eyes. !icking it. Maybe I%ll throw up on her. Then she can masturbate and cum, with all our li*uids everywhere. I need to pee in her face soon, in her eyes. I miss that. We haven%t done that in a couple of days. 1ere comes -en(ie and her girls. They%re wearing swimsuits. #nd I want to fuck each one of them. Mostly I want to fuck !ancPme, because she%s the most off-limits. Slip those $eans off, stick my dick in. Maybe starchild would be ok with it, maybe I should $ust ask her. &o you mind if I fuck your assistant' !ancPme, would you like to fuck' 2rob%ly best that way for everyone concerned. -en(ie, sitting at the edge of the pool. -en(ie%s girls, sitting ne:t to her. -en(ie, standing up. -en(ie, $umping in with two fingers pinching her nose. # tiny splash. Imagine the difficulty of finding someone really interesting to talk to, if you%re really interesting. The more interesting you are, the harder it is to find people to talk to, people that are interesting to you. Starchild was interesting to me. She had seen things I hadn%t, been places Gin her careerF that I knew nothing of. 5ven though she was only eight, we had great conversations. It was $ust luck that brought us together because we%re, both of us, not the person that the other would normally talk to. She has her crew and I pretty much live in solitary, a few friends that are only accessible by phone anymore. It%s hard to meet either of us. I%m a hard person to meet. I keep people away on purpose. I don%t want to meet new people, not in general, so when one comes they have to burst through" to get inside the bubble. My penis is tingling as I write this. I tried to masturbate before but couldn%t cum due to psych meds. )onsidering knocking off the antidepressant for a few days to see if I could get off. My penis is tingling. If I had a pussy it would be throbbing. &oes it bother that people masturbate to the live performance act of writing' Is it weird' This is a *uestion I got from a reader earlier, on this live document. 7o, not weird. Wonderful. If your pussy is throbbing then touch it, rub it against something, like your hand. !et%s all masturbate to live documents, it%s very literary. +etter than porn. If you like scatalogical narration then come on down. I can see you in the live users list and you chat to me that you%re masturbating while I write. Then get yourself off, if you aren%t on psych medication. +ut you are, I know because we talked about it. I mused on your twitter account to get inspiration for transgressional things to write and you masturbated to my writing. 7o, not weird. Ideal. 7ot something I had imagined when starting live writing. +ut perfect. ;uick. !et me write something that has scatological appeal so that if you%re reading this section of the document you can stay throbbing. I could tell you about the girlfriend I had who picked my nose. This is before starchild. She used to stick her fingers up my nose and dig out whatever she could find and eat it. She complimented me on how smooth the inside of my nostrils are. There%s a tense change mid-sentence9 Suck

37

on that, pitiful literary agent who can%t handle a document in two tenses. What am I playing to, an audience of five year olds with sticks up their ass' I%m $ust kidding. I love five year olds. &oes that scare you' Is five too young to touch' She would eat my snot. It%s good for your immune system. G7o, it is. !ook it up.F /ust because no one does it doesn%t mean it%s not a good idea. 0ou%ve got to get out of your mainstream ways of thinking, try something new. &oesn%t have to be scat. 0ou could try simply sticking your finger up your asshole. # nice easy one to begin with. 8et some private time. # private place. /ust push your finger up there, feel around. 8ood9 8ood9 0ou%re doing it9 Starchild, they%re doing it9" Who is doing what'" The baby is ne:t to her on the blanket by the pool. They%re sticking their fingers up their assholes." Who is'" My readers. They%re telling me about it on live chat." That%s great, baby9" Starchild is so supportive. That%s great. -eep up the great work9" See how positive she is9 /ust had a baby and has all that energy for me. Will have to lick her pussy later, specially-much, to reward her for being so nice to me. Stick my fingers inside her and rub her g-spot while I suck on her clit, make her cum real nice. Starchild'9 I%m going to lick your pussy later." -en(ie%s girls turn and look at me. That%s great, darling, my pussy will be ready for you9" Starchild'9" 0es'" I%m going to make you cum." Mmm. 8ood baby. 1ave good writing. We%re right here if you need anything. Write me something I%ll be proud of." &o you see how supportive she is' She%s like mega-supportive. 7ow I%ll get to work on a story that will really make her proud. What would starchild like' 2robably a story where she was the star. I don%t know if I can do that, but she could be a main character anyway. It could start in !os #ngeles. 7o. Start in 7ew 0ork. We open on starchild, crossing the street, she gets knocked down and shits herself when she hits the concrete. Then I come along. 0eah. Make it about shit. Make shit be a ma$or character. The themes' That there are different types of love, that love isn%t $ust e:pressed one way. Is that right' They say you should know your themes. What should I have as plot' )ould it be about the baby' In the beginning he hardly wants anything to do with it and by the end he takes his place as a father' That could work. Then they could discuss their se:ual abuse in the past and he could e:plain it as there are $ust different ways different families show love, and that%s how we do it in ours. The end. What do you think' I might do that. I don%t really want to have a plot. I want it to be flat, like a painting. Sort of the /ackson 2ollock version of fiction writing. That%s it. Say it like that. It will make sense to people. 2eople need simple ways of understanding things. 0ou have to have a tag line. The /ackson 2ollock of fiction. Simple. 5asy to remember. 7ot sure it%s entirely accurate, but that%s ok, a tag line doesn%t have to be entirely accurate, it $ust has to be catchy. 1old me and touch my genitals. Isn%t that what you%re basically saying' #ttend me, touch my genitals. Make them s*uirt. 6eplace my body pillow. )uddle. Then fucking. )uddle. Then fucking. )uddle, then fuck. )uddle, then fuck. )uddle, fuck. )uddle, fuck. &oes it bother you to read this without paragraph breaks' I don%t really give a fuck what you answered to that. 6ead it anyway bitch9 It%s supposed to simplify the style. 6emove e:tra elements. 8et rid of italics. Make it so you can store it in a te:t file. 3ne line, no breaks. That%s the idea. #ll in one breath. That%s what we call it. #ll in one

38

breath. +reathe. In. 3ut. +reathe. &o you mind if I am famous' Starchild to me. 7o. I don%t mind. Why would I mind' 0ou could. Some people do. I don%t mind. It $ust means you have interesting stories to tell me. #nd money to pay for your meal. &o you mind if I%m not famous' 0ou%re famous. Writers are never truly famous, no one worships us like they worship movie stars. That%s because people are shallow. It%s ok, I don%t want to be worshipped. Well that%s good, because I do. See' 0ou can have a conversation without *uotation marks. Who needs them' 0ou still understand what%s going on. Starchild and I are discussing fame, between a movie star and a writer. I love that she%s famous. That I can see her picture on a maga(ine and then see her face right ne:t to me, in the real. That she%s in the movies and in my bed. 3r, that I%m in her bed. Technically. Imagine if you had a pu((le of a sentence, punctuation and all, and you had to work it out so that people could read, and then you got it9 It came to you, e:actly how to type to produce the proper sentence Gwith punctuationF so that people could read. Imagine if that was you. Imagine if writers were famous, if people cared enough about reading to elevate writers to the status of movie stars. It%s $ust not where we%re going. #nd maybe writers are too introverted to be stars, star children. +ut I don%t think that%s necessarily true across the board. I think there are all kinds of star children, all kinds of stars waiting to be born. Someone was masturbating to my book earlier. Isn%t that great' #ll books should be live-written, free to view while the author is working on them, then closed off once you have to pay for them. I think the reason so many literary agents have nothing to say to me is that their $obs are falling apart, that there is no need for them anymore, with self-publishing. +ut how can you make money as a writer' I%ve not to this point understood how. I%ve written seven books and made a grand total of nine dollars and twentyfour cents. 1opefully if you%re a writer you%ll have better luck than me. My water glass is empty. I%m gonna lick that pussy so good. She%s gonna shudder when she cums. 0ou%ve never seen an eight year old cum like this. 0eah, critics, you%re right, the eight year old thing is $ust something I can wave around to draw attention to myself. It%s obviously fake. She%s not really eight. 5ight-year-olds can%t have babies. #natomically, you couldn%t fuck an eight year old. <nless you%re a really sick rapist who forces your cock where it don%t belong, like an eight-year-old pussy. +ut she%s eight in my story, dammit, because that%s what I want. She%s eight, alright' She%s eight. 5ight or nine. Something like that. She had a baby and now she%s breastfeeding her. She%s an international movie star and she likes me the most. 1er aging writer. 1er belly is growing back to its regular si(e, shrinking down. Starchild is into the e:ercising. #side from fucking. #nd oh, the look of her abdominals while we%re fucking and she%s on top of me, or on the bottom and curled up. 0ou can see her muscles, it%s hot. She%s one big pack of muscles, from her tongue to her pussy. 0ou can look at her like an animal that you might eat, and the muscles stick out of course. I would rip out her abdominals and eat them first, barbecue them and eat that pack of muscle with a nice sauce. +ut yeah, when you look at them while you%re fucking it%s awesome. )lenching up, tightening, delineations between the individual muscles. -en(ie%s girls don%t have that, they%re soft in the bellies. I%d still fuck them, but. -en(ie and friends and starchild all talking at the other end of the pool. +aby

39

3live on her stomach, trying to lift her head. 2erfect )alifornia day. !ancPme bringing in a new woman, I assume the potential nanny, for starchild to look at. 2arading her around the house, even though that has nothing to do with the $ob. Starchild $ust wanted to show off her house. We%re in ,enice +each, by the way, at one of the nice houses up front by the ocean' That%s some setting for you. We%ll try to throw in some plot up here in a minute. Maybe some theme. The nice houses by the beach. Starchild%s front door faces the ocean. 3r maybe that%s the back door. This pool is sort of off to the side. It%s a wide house, it must have cost her millions. I mean, literally, millions. My apartment in 7ew 0ork is two thousand a month. That%s the cheapest I could find. +ut I live nothing like this, like a starchild. She makes real money, as much money as I%ve ever made, in one picture. More. I $ust added a comma. # couple sentences back. It needed another one. oh, shit. thats so hot9 is it weird to think about someone masturbating to you performing the act of writing' /ust curious." That%s e:actly what someone said. I say no9 It%s not weird. It%s wonderful9 I masturbate to some pretty weird things. 2ictures of girls with shit on them. 6othko paintings. To each their own. &o you have chapstick'" 0eah, do you want some'" 2lease." This is starchild asking me from the other side of the pool. I always keep some in my right pocket. I get up and go to her. I kneel over her, get the chapstick out and apply it to her lips. 1er lips sweep back and forth as I apply it. They%re like !olita%s lips when she wipes her mouth on 1umbert%s shirt. .at and beautiful. It turns me on to put the chapstick on her like this, to look at the te:ture of her lips and see my hand applying it. My dick gets hard. Starchild notices. Is this turning you on'" 0es." 0ou%re so sweet9 Meet our new nanny, this is )orinne, )orinne right'" 6ight." )orinne, meet my boyfriend." 1i." 1i." )orinne%s going to be taking care of 3live when I can%t. )orinne, how%s it going so far'" 8oing ok." 0ou seem to be doing great. 7ice to meet you." 0ou know you can sit down here with us." I prefer my loner-style," I say, and I head back down to the other side of the pool, my boner making it awkward to walk. I sit down and I%m watching )orinne play with the baby. They hired her on the spot. Starchild%s got !ancPme calling all sorts of people, )orinne%s playing with the baby, and now she focuses her energy on -en(ie and the girls, getting in the pool with them and standing neck-deep in water, talking, splashing, standing close and making secrets in one another%s ear. I feel like I%m a spy, documenting the secret activities of a child star, how she operates. 3live starts to cry. )orinne puts her up against her shoulder. !ater I see her changing a diaper. 7ow starchild doesn%t have to do that..simple9 What would I do with a personal assistant' My life isn%t busy enough to need one. I make my own phone calls, and I rarely do that. Maybe if I had a personal chef that would be nice. I wonder how much she%s paying these people. 5ight dollars an hour' More' I imagine the tiny crack pipe that would be needed if a baby smoked crack, imagine it in her mouth, the baby randomly inhaling swafts of smoke, getting high on the crack. It%s been over a year since I smoked crack. Try to keep that to a minimum. It was an accident, really, I got in a car with a guy and thought he had powder but all he had was crack, so I went along with it, spent all my cash, wild night. I%ve a weakness for hanging out with drug addicts and homeless people. I meet them easily, they can tell I%m a

40

friendly person to talk to, $ust by looking at me. That I%m a kindred spirit. #nd I am. I don%t $udge, I have compassion for most people, I treat new people I meet with respect, act as though they%re of high ascent, and unless they show me otherwise, that%s where they stay. I am obsessed with status. My psychiatrist pointed it out. It%s from my childhood, I can%t help it. It%s from being abused by my dad. I $ust sent my dad an email. # pathetic attempt. Things between us are so broken they%ll never be repaired. #nyway I used to do drugs with homeless people. I used to be a homeless person, for a little while. Maybe it%s because I%m mentally ill, and I don%t fit into the same little bo:es as normal people, that I%ve had such wild e:periences. +ut you don%t feel like you%re on the same page, anymore, with people who have never e:perienced the things you have. I don%t e:actly want to hang out on facebook with a bunch of high school friends who finished school and had babies and bought houses in nice neighborhoods with their boring spouses. I%m broken out of that, and it takes someone like a starchild for me to get e:cited anymore. I can%t $ust fuck old high school girlfriends Gor their e*uivalentsF. Maybe the scat shit seems weird, maybe it seems gross, but to me its e:pansive, it%s breaking the mold, it%s showing that you%re against society, which I most definitely am. I am attracted to those who are against society. In its own way, the controversies that the star child was so well publicised for, were against society. Maybe in her case she wasn%t against society, but society was against her. #lways scrutini(ed, could never make the right decision Gto anyone else%s satisfactionF, involved in drugs as much as any eight year old, but villaini(ed for it on websites Gunlike the typical eight year oldF. 5ven her age was counter cultural. She was young even for a child star, or her fame had come on earlier than the arc of most child stars, she was making movies at four. Starring in them at si:. 1ad even done commercials as an infant, stuff she%d never remember, but could watch the tapes of later, with her parents. She was always a star, never knew anything different. I was daydreaming about taking her from behind, bent over her and our hands in alignment, spasming into her. More people arrived at the pool. Starchild could see that I was working and she didn%t introduce them. They went into the house and changed into their swimsuits, and it was late afternoon by now. I would sociali(e in a minute, $ust a few more thoughts. Some random thought of !ady 8aga. .ear about the !ohan suit. Thoughts that my whole life was $ust one giant piece of performance art, that none of this was really me, but $ust me pretending to be something that I thought was interesting. 0ou never want to be boring, we are bred on attention. # thousand tiny cameras clammering to capture you, in every medium imaginable. &ear god, make my tweets interesting. 8et me followers. We can%t stand when no one responds. We are afraid to unfollow even people we hate who pay attention to us. #nd starchild was the worst offender on this, splashing around the pool topless, wearing only a white pair of panties, and I could see she was rubbing her nose in pantomime to one of the girls who had arrived, and the other girl rubbed her nose back. They were thinking of cocaine, and now that starchild wasn%t pregnant, she could do it. The return. The girl she was talking to got out of the pool and went to a guy she came with, who was still dressed in a suit. Wet, she pressed herself against him and was talking softly, I imagined, asking him for coke. I was

41

right, he came out of his pocket with a tiny bag which he handed her, and starchild was rushing for the stairs. &ripping, getting out of the pool. 8oing to a side table with the girl, and it was getting dark now. Starchild and the girl kneeling at the table, then flinging off e:tra water from their hands, then opening the bag, then leaning forward snorting lines they had cut with !ancPme%s credit card, or maybe it was starchild%s credit card that !ancPme was holding, I don%t know. I decided to go over. I closed my laptop, left it on the chair, and put my shirt back on. Starchild, what are you doing'" What does it look like we%re doing' &o you want some'" Sure." It%s really good. This is /ess." 1i /ess." 1i." 3h. That is good. Thanks." 0ou don%t have to thank me. Thank /ess." Thank you /ess." 1ee-hee9" 1ow%s )orinne doing'" She%s doing well. 3live is asleep." #ww. 2oor child, she was tired." 0eah, she%s napping. &on%t you want to swim'" If you are." 7o, I%m done. I%m gonna go put some clothes on, do you want to come with me'" 0eah." We start for the house door. Then starchild turns. /ess. 0ou coming'" <pstairs, /ess and I sat on the bed while starchild stripped off her soaking panties and tossed them on the floor. She wiped off with a towel and looked through dresses. &o you want to fuck /ess'" What'" &o you two want to fuck' &o you /ess'" /ess and I look at each other, and there%s this progression of looks. It goes4 why the fuck is starchild asking us this, I don%t want to fuck himDher. To4 weird, I wonder what it would be like to $ust fuck this interesting stranger $ust for the fun of it, is this what starchild does all the time' To4 let%s get busy and take those clothes off9 +ut we talk about it further. &o you have a condom'" I have one," starchild says. #nd she goes to the bedside table and pulls out a condom. She tosses it on the bed. I lean forward to kiss /ess and she leans forward too. Soon I have my hands on her breasts and she%s working my dick and I%m thinking it might be nice to fuck someone older than eight. Starchild sits naked on the edge of the bed, watching us, holding a !omography camera. I%m lifting /ess%s dress and she%s not wearing any panties. I stick my finger inside her. She has her eyes closed. I lay her back on the bed and starchild is taking pictures of us now with her !omography camera and I stick my dick in /ess%s pussy and it feels great. She has hair around her pussy, unlike starchild, and I miss the feel of an adult. Slightly larger pussy, not soap suds tight, but honey pot tight. I could cum in an instant with this girl. She sits up and then we%re holding each other, and then we start kneeling and we%re holding each other%s butts to keep us together, and I%m fucking up into her. I put one hand behind her head. She holds onto my butt while I tweak her nipple with my other hand. Starchild snaps a picture, advances the film. Where she gets film processed in !os #ngeles I have no idea. She probably sends it out to another country. &o you want to be on top'" 0eah, why not." 1er cheeks are blushing and she says it with her eyes half-closed. We read$ust, and she%s doing these shallow little pumps on me, and I have my hands on her hips. She leans forward. I%m pumping up from below. &o that," she says. So I do it more. She leans forward further. She has her hands one on my shoulder one on my neck and she%s looking me directly in the face. I raise my eyebrows a little, to ask her if she%s going to cum. She smiles and nods, and then she%s going really fast. 2ump pump pump. Then 3h9 3h9" and she%s cumming, gripping me really tight and half-choking me with her one hand. I%m

42

pulling her down and rubbing my hands all over her back and her ass and grabbing her neck and her hair and saying &id you cum'" and she%s saying 0es9 3h, how very nice." She%s sweating a little. &o you want to cum now'" #nd I%m nodding. I lay her back on the pillows and turn her over. She has this pleased look on her face. I pick up her butt and the middle of her body and kneel behind her. 1er butt is sticking directly up in the air. I lean over her and put my penis in. Starchild snaps a picture. I push. 2ush. This ok'" /ess%s eyes wide open. 0es." So we fuck and I cum in her butt. Well, inside a condom inside her butt. When I pull it out there is absolutely no shit on it. I take off the condom and /ess puts me in her mouth, licking off the rest of the cum. Starchild lies down on the bed and gets real close to /ess%s faceDmy dick. She takes a picture. The flash goes off. Then she gets up and forgets about us and she%s standing at her enormous closet picking out a dress. /ess is sucking my dick and I%m lying there staring at starchild, in admiration. The !omography camera%s still on the bed. I pick it up and take a picture of starchild. I feel like I could live here forever. With people who don%t care about se:=who don%t think it%s that big of a deal. It%s something we do, often, naturally, as part of our life. Starchild doesn%t e:pect me to be monogamous. I don%t e:pect her to. She can fuck whoever she wants. It%s cool. I don%t know how I%d feel watching her do it with someone else, but maybe I%ll get to find out. She%s her own woman. 3r, her own girl, in her case. Still I prefer se: with the starchild. I prefer that shallow cunt, the tightness, the soap suds. #nd I like her red hair, the waviness of it, the way it sticks to her forehead when she gets sweaty. /ess, do you want to meet us downstairs'" That was starchild. /ess goes. She%s putting her dress back on as she walks out the door. &id you like that'" 0es'" &id you have a good orgasm'" It was ok." &on%t lie." It was great. She%s got this=" What'" Well, more of an adult pussy, with hair and everything. I like yours but I guess I kind of missed fucking adult pussy, you know'" I know," starchild says. #dult pussy is beautiful. I want mine to be like that someday." 0ou will. /ust give it a few years is all, you%ll be there. +ut yours is beautiful. Wonderful. There%s something special about child pussy, I know you%re not supposed to say that but there is. 0ours might be my favorite pussy of all time." 6eally'" Starchild is in my arms. 0es. 0our pussy is magnificent, holy, I love it." We kiss. # nasty, licking, slurping, greedy kiss. # lust kiss. She has her hand on my cock and is stroking it, trying to get me hard. )an you go again'" 6ight now'" If I put my mouth on you' )an you get hard'" I don%t know. 0ou want to try'" I%m feeling kind of $ealous that you got to fuck her, even though=even though, it was me who suggested it. I want your dick in my mouth. .uck my mouth." The starchild laid down on the bed with her mouth open. .uck me." I kneel over her and put my limp dick in her mouth. She closes her mouth around me. I move my cock around inside her mouth and she%s licking me with her tongue. I get hard. Then I%m fucking her mouth bent over her body and she%s taking it down her throat, lips locked tight around me. The bedroom door is open. )oke is laid out on top of her bedside table. I%m naked, fucking the starchild in the mouth, this nubile eight-year-old taking my cock in her mouth, sucking me, licking me, my body huge and hairy in comparison to hers. )an you come'" she says, and I can barely understand what she%s saying, as she%s speaking around my dick. I don%t

43

know how I did with /ess=I came through the medicine9 &o you believe that'" I%m $ealous," she manages. I hold myself up on one arm and run the other hand through her hair. Someone on the internet $ust suggested that I be accused of misogyny. I%m surprised I spelled that word right on the first try. I don%t know how to handle the idea that I might be a misogynist..do you think it%s true' She $ust made it as a suggestion but she might be right. When I think of misogyny I think of Martin Scorsese delivering a monologue about what a RHB Magnum can do to a woman%s pussy. Specifically, she%s saying that in Things Said in &reams I have a female protagonist personifying weakness, indecision, inaction. That%s /oan Simon suggesting this. She%s a good critic. She says she really liked my novel. #nd now I have a thirty-something male mouth-fucking an eight-year-old female. What if the starchild was male' Where would we be then' I%ve thought about writing gay fiction $ust for the hell of it, but I think it would be dishonest, so I don%t do it. There%s something true to me in this eight-year-old female getting mouthfucked by the me" character in this book. I can%t e:plain it. I%m $ust going from the subconscious. I think the analysis is best left up to people like /oan Simon who are really good at analysis. I%m good at knocking shit together, making stuff. I can%t help my themes, they%re such a part of me it%s hard for me to see them. I was $ust imagining myself beating the shit out of my asshole housemate. +ut I%m clearing my mind of that, I don%t want to think of violence. It%s ok if an eight-year-old female, willing, is the victim of statutory rape and violent throat-fucking. #nd I know the kind of female who will violently ob$ect to this storyline, politically-active, uppity women who $ust love scandal and arguing about something. 1ow%s that for misogynist' #nd I know the kind of female who will love this storyline, like M/anes&ear&iary, whose personal history I will not share with you but who understands real abuse, who understands living outside the rules as a way to ma:imi(e life and liveliness, who harbors eccentric thought patterns. &id it bother you, the part where his dick is going down her throat' &id that seem violent to you' &o you think it will stretch out the throat of a too-young, too-tender eight year old' &id you remember that he has a virgin-killer penis' That it%s not the Magnum of penises, and therefore might be $ust right for the throat of an eight year old' &oes any of that matter to you' EF I think what we%re talking about here is the Myth of &ecency. The myth that you can be decent, that decency can be real and honest and true, that it can be solid. That it can be anything other than a front. #n act. # flimsy role. )lose the door when you use the bathroom. &on%t fuck your cousins. Stuff like that. When we%re animals9 We%re most primarily wild. Society is temporary. 1ave you ever heard of an eight year old who got her period' It happens. )hildren are getting their puberty earlier and earlier. So I ask you to see this story not as surreal, but as a factual possibility. What have I described that cannot really take place' 5ating shit' )ertainly not. # man being turned on by wearing woman%s panty-liners' )ertainly not. 5verything here is possible. My aim will be by the end of the book convincing all of you that this dream is not only possible, but desirable. Some of you are already hip to the idea and for you this book is old news. The rest of you are reading out of some sense of fascination or obligation, and it is these readers with whom I am most concerned. If you%ve made it this far you can afford to

44

see this through to the end. I%ll try to give you enough breathing room that you can afford to read along. Speaking of breathing room, let%s check back in on starchild getting her throat fucked by the me" character.. Star'" 0eah'" I think I%m gonna cum. I am9 I%m gonna cum in you, starchild, you%re gonna make me cum twice in one day." /ust keep fucking." 1uh'" -eep fucking me." 3h9 3h9 3h9 3h9 Shit shit shit shit. Starchild9 Star9 Star..star. 3h star. 3h my god. Starchild." She%s swallowing my cum, licking her top lip and she blinks at me once very slowly, these doe eyes. I take my dick out of her mouth. She swallows, then licks her bottom lip. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. 1ow was that'" That was e:cellent. 0ou made me cum through the medicine. I feel like we%ve broken through, made a breakthrough, today." It is a breakthrough. My baby came. #ll you needed to get you started was a little adult pussy." It was little alright." &o you think that%s why you came'" I don%t know why I did. I know why I did $ust now." Why'" L)ause your mouth is haaawt." 0ou like my mouth baby'" 0eah I do. 0ou need to keep that thing locked up. &on%t let anybody else cum in your mouth, ok' Make that a $ust-between-us thing." 0ou want e:clusive access'" 0es, e:clusive access. &o you want to have se: with other people'" I want to have se: with everyone." 0ou don%t have to stay with me, you know, I don%t e:pect that of you." It%s ok, baby, I%m not fucking anyone else right now." I don%t want to be unfair to you though, I%ve discovered I really like fucking your friends." #hh, I have some more friends I can introduce you to who would probably like fucking you, too." Would you'" Why wouldn%t I' I want you to be happy." I want you to be happy, too." I am. I like that I can make you cum with my mouth." #nd your pussy." 0es, but not too often, with your medicine. &o you ever think about stopping taking it'" #ll the time. If I%m gonna stay out here I need a new psychiatrist." Take some time tomorrow and get one, I know your medicine is important to you." Is it. It kinda keeps me sane." I know, I like you sane. What are you like when you don%t take it'" Wilder. I do cra(y things." !ike what'" !ike more drugs, sometimes I want to kill myself, I do cra(ier art, like write over all the surfaces of walls in my apartment, take down the shower curtain liner and write in fine print all the way across it, up and down, top to bottom, with cra(y te:t. I call people and say cra(y things." !ike who'" !ike the 7S#." What%s that'" The 7ational Security #gency' It%s part of the government. Spy stuff. #nyway. I do cra(y things. I sleep with a lot of people, random people, people you wouldn%t e:pect." I think I like you sleeping with only me and people I control." 0ou do, do you'" 0es. I don%t want you sleeping with random people." I don%t want that either, it%s too scary. So you%ll make sure I sleep with the right people'" 0es. +ut mostly me. 0ou%re so good to me, I%ve never been treated the way you treat me. 0ou%re actually kind." 0ou think I%m kind'" 3f course you are." I kinda feel like I%m taking advantage of you." 0ou%re taking advantage of me' +ecause of age'" 6ight." +ut I%m more worldly that you, mister9" Maybe." What do you mean, maybe' &efinitely. I%ve been more places, done more things." 0eah, I guess so." I know so. 0ou%re a child compared to me." I%m a child'" 0ou are. 0ou%re so innocent. 0ou%re pure compared to me. 0ou want to talk about fucking random people' Maybe I need some of that medicine, because I%m the worst." 3h, don%t

45

tell me about who you%ve fucked. I%ve read about it in the news9" !ol. I know. See' That%s what I%m saying. I%ve been around the block more than you." #nd only eight years old." 1ey9 I%m nine, hello9" 3h you are, I thought you were eight." Starchild shakes her head. I%m nine." She swallows. 0ou need some water'" 7o, I%ve $ust got=my mouth is dry. I%ll get some in a minute, I like lying here talking to you." I looked at her, up and down, from her tiny feet to her bigger-than-life head and wild head of red hair to her little-lipped vagina. )an I take a picture of you'" Sure. <se my camera, I develop with a guy I trust." I grab her camera and move back on the bed. 0ou mean you can trust him not to sell your pictures'" Starchild nods. I frame her up, getting her whole naked body in the shot. She turns her face up to me and puts her arm behind her head, holding her hair out of her face, a natural poser. I snap it. # picture like that makes me feel like a child molester. Starchild let me keep it. Something about it being in a photo makes it seem wrong, my relationship with her. !ike these are those dirty pictures people trade on the internet. !ike my upskirt pictures. 5:cept this one%s of someone I know. Tiny starchild, she looks so vulnerable in that photo, like you could break her. In real life she%s nothing like that. She%s sturdy. 0ou can%t $ust break her with a little force, even the force of fucking her in her throat, she doesn%t break. She%s got a stringy backbone, like a caught fish, it bends one way but not the other. I $ust don%t bend her the wrong way, she%s fine. She can take fucking in the ass and fucking in the vagina and throatfucking, all the same. She%s strong. She%s my strong, strong fish. .ysh. Slippery fysh. Soap suds fysh. Slipping between my fingers and slipping out of my hands9 &on%t drop her on the bottom of the boat, she likes beds and hotels, fresh towels and showers, limousines, talcum powder for her scales. My little fyshy-dysh9 When she sits on top of me I can see her tendons stretching, those inner-leg tendons stretching out tight, leading up to her pussy. Those are strong. That%s strong material. 0ou can%t $ust break her in two. It would take saws and pliers to rip her apart. 0ou could take her apart with a hacksaw and a pair of pliers, if you wanted to. Take her head right off with the hacksaw. <ndo her arms, her legs. 2ut her in several large trash bags and dispose of her. -eep an eyeball as a trophy. 2ut it on ice. It would probably decompose *uickly, lose its shininess. When you look at a person%s body too long you start to see them in these terms, disposable, separable, limited. #ll we are is hearts and legs and tendons, veins and fat, bone. 5ven a star. She%s $ust a certain brain with certain eyes and certain hair. She can be taken apart, will be taken apart, at some point. She was put together and she will be taken apart. 5choes. Insert my thumb in her vagina, press down, and split her up the middle. !ike a crab, like eating a crab. +reak the e:oskeleton and get to the good part. )andy at center of wood. 5at out her pussy from the inside, lick all the way up to her cervi:. 6emove that. Throw it away. .inger her uterus. Taste it. See how it feels. Take a picture. .lash9 I photographed your insides. I felt you there. 0ou were willing. 0ou wanted to be part of my e:periment. Where you cut off my dick and feed it to me, cook it in some garlic and onion and season it with lime. #s a way to be close to each other. # way to connect. To do something together that we haven%t done with anyone else. &ismember each other and eat each other%s limbs. 0ou eat my penis. I eat your

46

nipple. We do this all on a tarp in the kitchen, with a couple of stools, a bottle of vodka, and a hacksaw. &igesting each other%s body parts, shitting them out into mi:ing bowls, and eating each other%s shit. Then we hack off the ne:t body part. 6epeat until dead. Wash down the meal with a glass of urine, your urine. +ut suck my dick before you cut it off, so I can cum one last time. #nd we%ll get you off before breaking you in half like the crab, removing your hardened shell to find your soft insides. That crab meat, pulled from its shell with ra(or fingernails. 5verything here is a reference, a pointer. 1ave you ever done programming' # reference is a handle for getting at something else. It%s a viaduct, by which you may reach the real ob$ect. 5verything here is a reference. #s we%re taking bone from bone, slicing meat from meat, severing tendons with garden clippers, everything here is a reference. This story isn%t even about what this story%s about9 Snapped that picture of starchild, all this flashed through my mind. #bout me being a pervert who was sleeping with the eight-year-old in that picture. 7ine year old9 She was too young to fuck, and it flooded into me by looking at that picture. I had to see her in real life only, where ours was not a crime but simply shit-love9 !ove fallen into by two people who love shit9 +y two people who%ll eat their own cum. +y a nine-year-old who s*uirts9 and s*uirts good. Tasting her afterbirth in the hotel in 7ew 0ork before we ever got here, slurping it up with knives. #nd she wondered4 what would my shit taste like if all I ate was cum' Maybe we%ll try that sometime, when we%re both into it, when you have a week to kill. +etween your glorious pictures, which I have adored since they came out. +ut never in a picture, it%s too gritty for me like that, I see you how they see you, not how you really are. 0ou%re really ready. 0ou%re really my corruptor. 0ou%re really willing to go through with all our se: acts, no matter how vile. 0ou love vile. 0ou teach me things. 0ou show up the innocent side of me9 0ou put me to shame, how much you know about the world. If I had grown up in your environment, then maybe. +ut I%m from a *uiet town with *uiet people, I%m not a 7ew 0orker. I $ust live there. I%m from 3hio, baby. I wasn%t born into !# with !# people and !# shit. 0ou%ve worn dresses that e:ceed my annual income. 0ou%re a princess. #nd my princess, to play with, to commune with, to snip tendons and eat blood with. 5at my blood, cut me, suck it out of my veins. 8ive me your vaginal blood, let me drink from your cup, clots and all. 5at my boogers, pick them out for yourself, en$oy them, salty little treats. <ntil I%ve drunk your blood, do I know you' &o I really know you' I mean in the +iblical sense. &o I know you' &o, I know you' &o I know you' I know you once I%ve sucked your teets. Tasted the milk that grows inside of you. 1ad my fingers and my tongue inside of you, shone a flashlight down your throat. When I%ve seen you cum, e:hausted, then I know you. I snap that picture, and it shows me how others see you. # minor nude in a bed, her panties $ust out of frame. # superstar, caught e:posed, sold to the tabloids by a shady photo developer. # child, being abused. +ut come to me, wrap you in my arms. 0ou%re none of those things. #nd don%t anybody say this is the new !olita, because it%s not. !olita is about sad, sad people. This is a different kind of book. 0ou come to me, lie with me. 0ou%ll have your coke soon. &on%t worry, it%s waiting for you by the bedside. 0ou%ll be back at your party soon. .or now it%s time for you to lie with me and be the you that%s not in the picture, the real

47

you, the you who sits on top of me and cums like a dog. Who bends over and lets me take you from behind, again, cumming like a dog. It%s so good that way, from behind, it%s one of the best inventions in se:, that simple position. !et your hair fall in your face and we bump each other, bump, bump. !et you tell me not to stop. !ie with me and let%s remember these things we%ve done together, in our short time. 6emember our basic swapping of spit, one simple way of knowing each other. 6emember me inside you, and hold it there, I want to stay there forever, moving $ust enough to keep me hard. 1ave someone take pictures of us. &o you want to'" &o I want to what'" 1ave someone take pictures of us'" 0eah, I do." L)ause I can arrange that." 3k, but someone we trust, like /ess." It%ll be someone we trust. 0ou might have to meet someone new, is that ok'" 0es, it%s ok, as long as you trust them. &on%t you think it would be nice to have some pictures of us'" 0ou mean some pictures of us fucking." 0eah, I%d like to see those." We will." #nd then your tiny body, naked, goes to the nightstand and does a line of coke. !ittle buttocks sticking out, breasts with milk on their nipples where I was sucking you. Inhaling cocaine. !ike a champion. I see you s*uee(e your butt cheeks together when you suck in the air. !ittle hands holding the straw tightly. Then you fall back on the floor, like such a kid9 .eet in the air, ass e:posed, hands sweeping your hair out of your face. &o one." I%m good." 0ou better do one or I%ll never have se: with you again." 3k, I%ll do one." I go to her nightstand, pushing her legs out of the way so I can get to it. I can see my face in the mirrored top of the nightstand, and I see facial hair and my yellow teeth. Wonder why she of all people would want to be with me. I scrape off a line and do it, with the same straw she used. I fall back on her and she has her legs wrapped around me and her arms pulling my head all the way back, most of my weight on her. #m I crushing you'" 7o, you%re not that heavy." +ull-shit9" 0ou%re not that bad. It feels good. I like when you lie on me." !ike this'" !ike in bed, when you%re on top of me. I like the weight. It makes me feel protected." 0ou wanna go outside now'" 0es." We%ll see if your party has degraded into an orgy." It hasn%t. 3ther than /ess, all of those people are conservatives." I wonder how your baby%s doing." I don%t. )orinne%s got her." So did you like hire her'" 0eah, why'" /ust wondered. 1ow much does she make'" 7one of your damn business." Sor-ry9 Whew9 &idn%t mean to offend you9" 0ou didn%t. 2ut on your clothes." 0eah, you too, put on your panties again and walk around like that." &o you want me to'" I don%t care." Starchild puts on a new pair and a dress. It%s cold out by now." I get myself dressed and I%m doing another line of coke when starchild comes up behind and puts both arms around me. She s*uee(es tight. She does her line and we go downstairs. #ll the girls and the one other guy who were here before are still here. The night lights are on in the pool and everyone%s lounging around in or on chairs. /ess is there, but she%s not looking at me. Starchild takes my hand and leads me outside. 5veryone, I would like to announce.." She holds our hands up in the air. ..my new boyfriend9 2lease welcome him into our little fold. 1e lives in 7ew 0ork but he%s going to be staying here a while and keeping me company while I start my new film, which is $ust neck week. # round of applause please." There%s barely a smattering of applause. Starchild turns to the side, where no one is. Should we get dinner'" She looks the

48

other way. )orinne, are you free tonight' 0es' We%re going to +rasserie les ,oyous. !ancPme will drive you. !ancPme make sure she has whatever supplies she needs to take care of 3live. 0ou can stop on the way if you need to get something. /ust meet us there. 5veryone' +rasserie les ,oyous' 3k." She starts walking. Starchild." 0es'" Who am I going with'" She steps close to me and takes my hand. 0ou%re coming with me9" I could tell you about the restaurant. I could tell you about the wild antics we got into there. I could tell you about how starchild had to drive with blocks strapped to her feet so she could reach the pedals. I could tell you about how she snuck away to the bathroom to lick her baby%s tiny clit about every fifteen minutes, and how we had great steaks and fine wine and sat in this little alcove thingy where we could fit almost everyone, with the assistants sitting at a separate table. +ut I%m going to skip ahead a bit, to when starchild%s movie started. It was $ust the ne:t week. Starchild and I had been sleeping in her bed together. I slept with my laptop by the bed, so I could write at a moment%s notice. )orinne stayed over some nights, some nights we were in charge of 3live. I%m thinking of M%ing MSteve6oggenbuck to ask what alt lit is. I don%t think I understand it. I hate to think that I might be alt lit and not even know it. If it $ust means you%re not published by a ma$or publisher, that%s one thing. If it means you misspell words, that%s another. 2enny 8oring is alt lit Gshe%s included on alt lit reading listsF but why' I wrote the introduction to her book and I have no idea. )orinne was *uiet, she sang songs to 3live to get her to sleep, and I liked to listen. Maybe alt lit was going to be remembered in ten years. If it turned out to be a fresh land that contained riches that the traditional publishing world let behind. 3r the start of a non-commercial publishing trend. I would lie in bed with starchild listening to the nanny sing 3live to sleep and it was like she was singing us all to sleep, like we were all her children. )orinne was $ust a teenager herself, maybe seventeen, eighteen. So double starchild%s age but half mine. When 3live slept, )orinne would sleep in, passed out on the couch in the room ne:t to ours, with 3live sleeping on a blanket on the floor. Starchild kept her clit-licking and cunt-sucking activities to herself, or between me and her and 3live@ )orinne wasn%t party to that. Starchild would ask, Is she clean'" and take 3live from )orinne into the bathroom, or into our room. She%d close the door and we%d both take turns licking the baby%s tiny clitoris, bathing her with our tongues. I didn%t have any guilt about it, it seemed like a fun game we were playing with our baby. The mother was right here, so what harm could it be if she was doing it' It was a way for me and starchild to be close. #nd it was $ust fun. 3live seemed to like it, she would coo and rock her pelvis to our touch. I started brushing her nipples when we would do it, too, I thought she deserved some nipple stimulation. I imagined her giving milk, which she would soon, and her little nipples would get hard when I touched them. She was bathed in our love, all kinds of love. Special, touching love. Intimate, se:y love. #fter she was clean we would turn her over and take turns licking her butthole. She liked that. She would wave her arms as much as she could lying down, and turn her head from one side to the other, like she was trying to look back there to see what was going on. Starchild liked to stick her pinky finger up her butt and wiggle it around while I would lean in and kiss 3live on the mouth, tonguing her and kissing her gums.

49

#t first she would start back because my face was so big in her view, then she would submit to the kisses. I liked to kiss her ears, too, stick my tongue all the way in them and taste her wa:, earthy and spicy, tiny little hairs inside her ears. Then starchild would spit on 3live%s vagina and I would slap it, gently, with two fingers. Slap slap slap9 Then I%d rub the saliva in. Starchild would be holding 3live%s hands saying )heer cheer cheer9 0ou%re my little soccer player. )heer9 #re you happy baby'9 1appy'9 I%m your momma and this is your sort-of father but don%t call him that or he%ll get mad. +ut a baby needs a father. 0eah. 0es. 0ou are my one and only baby and I love you9 !et me spit on her again." Sometimes we would blindfold her, with a sock or the sleeve of a shirt, set on her face or tied around her head. Then we would stimulate her to try to make it more e:citing. When she would poop in our hands we would rub the stool all over her, even getting some in her mouth, and then starchild and I would lock fingers and stand facing each other and $ust stare into each other. It was a partnership. We were partners. We liked to $ust stand like that, and look in each other%s eyes. We were saying words with our eyes. Words like partnership" and togetherness." Words like yes" and now." Then we%d wash our hands and wash off 3livia clean enough that when we gave her back to )orinne )orinne wouldn%t notice she%d been covered in shit. I think )orinne en$oyed the breaks. We%d $ust tell her we were giving 3live a bath or something. We%d come back, )orinne would be sitting on the couch, her head leaned back, and she%d stand up and throw her arms forward and say, &id you miss me, pretty baby'" Then starchild and I would go and have se:, sometimes with the door open, and we%d do cocaine and wipe our noses, and I would work on my book after se:, and starchild would look at herself in the mirror, searching for something. When she started her movie, I was invited along with her entourage to be present at filming, with -en(ie and friends, !ancPme, and of course )orinne and 3live. Starchild had all kinds of people coming and going. She was always on the phone. She would te:t !ancPme while they were in the same room together, with todo items. She would te:t to have drugs delivered. She would $ust te:t her friends to come over. #nd she was very polite. She always introduced me to each one, unless I was working, in which case she waited until I was done. I came to see !ancPme the way starchild saw her4 as a toolbo:. # way to get things done, not a person to be chatted with or to hang out with. +ut someone to tell what to do and e:pect it be done. I stopped going to starchild to ask for things and went directly to !ancPme. 3n the set, )orinne had to keep 3live *uiet or it would interrupt filming. 3nce one or two takes had been messed up by 3live%s crying, )orinne would take her outside the stage and we wouldn%t see her again until she had *uieted. Starchild needed constant se:ual attention herself, and she would have me inside her trailer to fuck. Sometimes I wrote in her trailer because it was a *uieter place to write than on set. I%d see starchild between setups and we%d make love. She liked it standing up, or with her against the door of her trailer, me pinning her there with my dick. She would get this look in her eyes that I have trouble describing, but it was a look of submission=submission to the process. I%d process her good, too, she came like a *ueen. We%d do it seven times a day. When we were tired of fucking I%d eat her out, stick my tongue all the way into that nine-year-

50

old pussy and tongue-fuck her. She would s*uirt when she came, and I%d lick it off my face and off the bed, off her legs. They had to replace the futon in her trailer I don%t know how many times. They%d bring a new one one, and we%d stain that one. She%d leave me e:hausted with all that fucking, I had trouble writing some days, I $ust wanted to lay around in her trailer and drink and do cocaine and stare out the window at the )alifornia sky. Starchild would send !ancPme to check on me. She%d knock on the trailer door. I%d tell her to come in. She%d have a seat at the table and I%d be in bed, naked. I%d sit up. She%d do her check-in and tell me starchild $ust wanted to make sure I was ok and if I needed anything to ask !ancPme. So sometimes I ordered food, sometimes I asked her to bring me maga(ines or specific books I wanted to re-read. #nd she would go buy the books, on starchild%s dime, and bring them to me. !ancPme, bring me a portable &,& player and the following &,&s. !ancPme, I want a gin martini, from this certain bar, in a to-go cup. +ring it to me. She would. !ancPme could get you anything, old, new, borrowed, blue, illegal or legal. She had a million numbers programmed into her phone, more than starchild, from all the places she was used to calling to get stuff. !ancPme would sit with me a while, we%d talk about whatever, starchild, starchild%s show, starchild%s baby=you get the point. !ancPme would even do coke with me. We didn%t talk for long Gshe was the slaveF but we%d trade a few words and do some coke before she bu((ed on back to the set to report to starchild that I was ok. I came to the set high on coke, would wander from the trailer over to the snack area to the set, where I had a chair. Would sit there and watch my lover perform se: scenes with other men, se: scenes with women, cryptic green screen se*uences, close ups. The whole movie was shot indoors. They had sets to make it look like anything. 5ven sunlight..they had lights that looked e:actly like the sun was shining. The set was very *uiet, very organi(ed. I felt like starchild, 3livia and I were the least organi(ed part of it. I%d sit down in my chair, high on coke, and watch starchild perform dance se*uences, look over to see 3livia in her crib, )orinne dipping a hand into it to give 3live something to tug on. /ess came around, and we hugged tightly and held hands for a second. I thought it would be rude to fuck her in starchild%s trailer with starchild not around but starchild came over and said, She%s yours. &o with her what you will." So I fucked /ess in starchild%s trailer and we had plenty of things to talk about, her being a little older than starchild. We%d get ultra-high on coke, then fuck, the cum on coke, then $ust sit around and read maga(ines and talk about my life and hers. She wanted to act, but couldn%t get into it. I said I%d talk to startchild to see if she could get her a part in something. /ess said that%d be wonderful. She would suck my cock while I watched &,&s, $ust keep me hard for hours. I was never afraid she%s come between me and starchild, though. /ess and I didn%t talk affection to each other. We fucked and we talked about other things, but we never said LI love you% or anything like that. We were purely se: buddies. Starchild would sometimes come in when we were doing it. She%d look over at us, then take a shower or get something out of the refrigerator. I think /ess was $ust like the &,& player, something starchild could offer to keep me entertained. I was $ust following the se:, doing what any man would. I had a life in 7ew 0ork, though it was a *uiet life. I didn%t have an

51

entourage, I%ll say that much. I wrote in the mornings and wasted time in the afternoons, videoconferenced with my friend in #ustin, by best friend from long ago, went to bookshops, bought novels and poetry to read. 1adn%t done coke in a long time before I met starchild, not for ten years. I drank wine when I was done with my writing, all through the afternoon and evening. Watched T,, especially when the 3lympics were on. Told myself I needed to start e:ercising. Sometimes went out to a wine bar. I knew people at restaurants, people who worked there, hostesses and servers and cooks and kitchen managers and restaurant owners. I had se: with the occasional hostess, nothing that lasted long. With starchild I was following the se:. We%d had our meeting in the alley. I%d gotten to taste her, then, and I was $ust chasing it down. I assumed we%d be able to talk, as I assume with everyone, and I was right, we were compatible in ways other than se:, but primarily, we were lovers, we had se: with each other. It had been about se: and shit from the beginning, with us. Shit and se:. That we were cunt-licking her small daughter was icing on the cake. +ut primarily, it was that feeling, that feeling of my dick inside starchild%s pussy that was what I was after. It was later that we became friends, $ust from spending time together, and by the time her movie started we were friends, we held hands and talked some nights instead of having se:. Mostly we fucked, though, fucked until we got sweaty and came. Then starchild would take a shit and let me wipe her butt. She wiped mine, too, and she would congratulate me on my poops, 8ood poop. 8ood poop. 0ou did a good $ob. 0ou%re a big boy with big poops." She would do the same with cum. 0ou came big this time. !ook, it%s all over this way9 1ow the fuck did it get here'9 0ou%re my big, good cummer." She would wipe up the e:tra with her fingers and lick them. If you%ve never seen a nine year old with strings of cum flowing out of her mouth..it was good. She would rhythmically get me off with her mouth@ she could get me off so *uick when she wanted to. She told me that when she was younger she and a male friend of hers had made oral se: their pro$ect, and they practiced getting each other off with their mouths, such that she had become a champion dick-sucker, able to get off the toughest guy in less than a hundred seconds. She proved this to me many times. 0ou need to cum'" she would say, and with hardly as much as a nod from me, she%d have my pants down and my dick in her mouth, and she%d get me off. I could get her off with my mouth but it was a significantly slower process. I would use my fingers and my mouth, and that would do her in. Sometimes she would shriek when she came, and fle: her legs hard, I had to worry about getting kicked, but that%s how she did it. !ike she was being shocked. When I was eating her out I would think about sentence structure and passages of te:t I was putting together for my book. It%s not like I wasn%t paying attention, but how much attention does it really re*uire' I listened to the sounds she made, responded. If I was way off track she would reach down and move me with her hands. I like being told what to do in a se:-type situation. It%s hot. She would let me know what she liked, and I would do it. #nd we had the same arrangement the other way around. !et me be what you want me to be to you. !et me mold my fingers and my tongue and my cock to please you. Make your vagina into what I need it to be. !et me eat your nipples, your ass, your face. !et me read you poetry while we fuck@ I%ll give you e:tra emphasis

52

with my cock. When the line ends, when the cadence suggests it, I%ll thrust into you. When I%m fucking you really hard, I%ll spread your ass cheeks and bury my fingers in your asshole. 1old you down with one hand, hold you around your throat, choke you until you almost pass out. 2unch you in your little face, to make you feel it more. So yeah, I was a little good-for-nothing pussy chaser, and starchild was my taste. I had never been with someone so young, and the *uality of pussy was so great, it blinded me to anything else. I would literally eat shit for her. That%s how great the pussy was. She had me eating both of our shit, raw, because it struck her fancy. I got to where even when she wasn%t around, I%d reach around while it was coming out of my ass and grab a fingerful. Slurp it. )hew. Swallow. /ust to think of her when she wasn%t there. 5ven to this day, when I take a shit, I think of her, and sometimes still I taste mine, as a silent toast to the starchild. &o you blame me for following the pussy' It%s innate, man, it%s what I was built to do. .uck it and protect it. Though there%s nothing much needs protecting in this day and age, and there was even less that needed protecting about someone of her riches. She could take care of herself. GWell, she and her agent.F I $ust followed it from 7ew 0ork to )alifornia, shacked up with it for a while, loved it, fucked it, talked to it, hung out with it, occasionally argued with it, and kept myself from taking it for granted. 5very fuck we had, I appreciated. 5very fuck. There was no one better that could have been with her. She picked me, remember9 She moved my dick into position. #ll I was responsible for was stopping to wash the shit off her when the shit needed washing. She invited the rest9 What was I going to do, resist a moviestar' She wanted me. 3nce I felt that soap suds s*ueaking, I wanted her too. #nd I know there%s some of you who will complain that she was only nine. This wasn%t $ust any nine year old. She was worldly. She was more worldly than me. I didn%t corrupt her, she came like this. I $ust met her, and saw this strange creature, and fell in love. That I could have what I had seen on the silver screen9 Irresistable. #ll those photos, the pictures, the movies I had seen with her in them, were realer than real to me now. I had her in my bed9 3r technically we were in her beds, but whatever. I don%t want you to think I%m trying to convince you this was true love or anything. True lust wou d be more like it. +ut we were right for each other for a certain time, that%s all. That%s all I%m trying to say. 3ne day starchild comes to me with 3livia. I%m in the trailer. Starchild comes in carrying the baby and a 7o. A pencil. She lays 3livia on the table, takes off her diaper. What are you doing'" 1old this." She hands me the pencil. Starchild has the child%s vagina lips spread. 8imme that." Why." +ecause I wanna try something." I%m looking from 3live to starchild, and back. What are you thinking." 0ou know." I don%t think you should do that." I $ust wanna try." &on%t you have a movie to be making'" We%re on break. 8imme that." I hold it back from her. Starchild. 6eally. Truly. 0ou can%t do this." 8imme the pencil or no se: for you. I%m serious. This is my baby. 8imme the goddamn pencil." I shake my head. I%m gonna set this pencil on the table and walk out of this trailer, and whatever you do, is on you." Stop $udging me." I%m not $udging you, I%m $ust=" /udging me." I e:hale. Slowly, I set the pencil down. #ren%t you leaving'" 7o, I%m staying here to watch." Who wants to watch now'" I%m staying to watch

53

you, to make sure you don%t do anything fucked up." <h-huh. That%s what they tell themselves." Starchild takes the pencil. 0ou mind helping'" 1ow'" 1old her open while I do this." 3h my god." +ut I do it. I reach in and hold 3live open. Starchild looks me in the eyes. Then she goes down to 3live and takes the blunt end of the pencil and presses it up against her hymen. She presses in a bit. She looks up at me. What'" It won%t go." Try the other end." I don%t want to poke her." /ust push on it a little. 0ou won%t hurt her." Starchild reverses the pencil. The sharp end is pointed toward 3live%s cunt. Starchild also spreads the child%s lower lips apart and gently probes the hymen. #re you having fun'" 0es, as a matter of fact I am. #re you still $udging me'" I guess not. 7o. &o it." So starchild pokes the pencil into her baby with some force, breaking the hymen, and she twirls the pencil around in her fingers. Won%t )orinne notice'" I don%t give a fuck if she does notice. She%s my baby." They can take your baby away for things like this." If )orinne says anything, she%s dead. #nyway she probably won%t even notice. !ook, it%s hardly bleeding. #nd look. The hole is tiny." +ut 3live is tiny." 7o one will notice. It% not like I%m cutting her or anything." Starchild%s and my eyes meet one more. &on%t get any ideas." I%m not. /ee(e. I%m not. I%mma take her back. 1ow%s your writing'" <h. It%s ok. I%m stuck on what to write about." Write about this." I don%t want to get you in trouble. If someone reads it." Starchild steps down the first step of the trailer, 3live in her arms, the used diaper still on the table. She looks back at me. Write about whatever you want," she says. I thought about sitting on the steps crying. .or that loss, that loss of innocence that 3livia $ust e:perienced. I wasn%t feeling so close to starchild. I didn%t understand why she did what she did, and most of the time I was ok with it, but this was a little different. I actually thought about calling )hild 2rotective Services, I did. 8etting on a plane and going back to 7ew 0ork. +ut I convinced myself that the world was a cra(y place and cra(y things happen in the world and who am I to do anything about it. Stay out of starchild%s business. Who was 3live to me' Instead of sitting on the steps crying I did coke for the rest of the afternoon. &idn%t write a thing. Was so high after a while that I walked onto starchild%s set barefoot Ga no-noF and went right up to starchild and started making out with her. Whoah. What brings this on' Mmm. 0eah. I like this. +aby, what happened to you'" /ust lonely out in your trailer. Wanted to be ne:t to you." Mmm. 0ou are. !ancPme, get me some 2arliaments. 0ou make me want to smoke, baby, when you kiss me like that. !ancPme, not the >IIs." <m. Starchild. Waiting on you." +aby. +aby, I gotta film right now, ok. I%ll make out with you in a second. Sit in my chair. &on%t do any more coke right now, your heart is beating fast, baby. &rink this." She hands me the ,oss that was sitting on her chair. 1ave !ancPme get you something to eat. I gotta film this now. /ust wait." She points at me as she walks backward up to the set. Somebody get him some shoes9" I%m on it," says this cute little 2# that I%d like to fuck. When she comes with the shoes I%m looking down at her, watching her tie the laces, and I%m $ust grabbing snapshots and imagining her 3 face. I wanna stick my dick up in her. Wanna rub it around. She has a ponytail run through the back of her baseball cap. +rown hair. !ittle mouse. I wanna fuck you, little mouse. 1ear you s*ueak. Wanna wiggle my dick right up into you.

54

3oooh, little mouse. She puts on the other shoe, ties the shoelaces. Then she%s gone and I%m shifting in the chair, trying to get comfortable, watching them apply makeup to the starchild. #s I%m watching them, I%m remembering this time from childhood where a girl was chasing me on the playground and I ran into..inside of..this concrete pipe. I hit my head. I put my hand to my head and when I brought it back it had blood on it. My head was bleeding. I always wonder how that%s affected my chase" with girls GwomenF. #m I hesitant to be chased by women because I might cut my head' I can still feel the concrete hitting my head, stopping me. 5veryone has life insurance policies so it%s ok. Starchild finishes with makeup and the director is talking to her, waving his hands. 1e bends down to be at her same height. 1e%s making a tubular motion with his hands. I have no idea what he might be showing her. I%m behind on the scenes, been spending all my time in the trailer with my own writing. The director walks back to his place at the monitor and the #& gets everyone *uiet. I grab a *uick gulp of the ,oss because I am deathly afraid of making sound, any sound, during filming. I hardly breathe. Starchild is stripping in this scene, walking toward the camera, and as she does it I $ust stare at her body, knowing it already so well, now all these people are watching. The natural thing to do at the end of the scene is for me to go up there and fuck her, but I don%t, it%s not time for that. I have to wait to do that, which is stupid, Lcause there she is naked and why can%t I $ust do that. #fraid of dying in a plane crash. .ucking that mousy girl. If I stretched her out on a table, and inserted my penis into her vagina, would she s*ueal' Insert" the penis" into the vagina." )hest pains. )ould these be my death' 1aving a heart attack from this coke' /ust watch the scene. Watch starchild undress in slow motion, not in our bedroom, for a whole stage full of people. I had a friend once who told me I should push the limits more with my wardrobe. 1e%s dead. 1e died of throat cancer. Smoker. Starchild is going to die someday, hopefully not soon. 1er little body in a short coffin, early casualty of fame' 1opefully not. Maybe I would inherit her money. Thoughts of murder. 2ut some fucking clothes on, starchild." They cover her with a robe between takes. She leaves the front open, and you can see her lips, her fledgling breasts. +reastfeeding 3livia has deepened them, flushed them out a bit. 1er nipples are larger now, still not that large. !arger than mine, but. )ut9" )ut9" The #& says it right after the director, and louder. 2eople bustle around, bringing starchild her robe, her water, someone has a script open so she can peruse it. 2eople are moving lights and electrical cords. That was great starchild, we%ll move on." Moving on9" 7e:t setup is scene RS-#. The bed scene." 8reat. The bed scene. 7ow I get to watch my young lover pretend to have se: with someone else. Maybe it%ll turn me on. Sparks of love. I look over and see 3livia lying in her cage. She%s not even old enough to crawl. 0ou might notice that in the hymen-piercing scene GaboveF there was no reference to the baby crying. That%s because when starchild and I are torturing 3live the sound gets turned down for me and 7ine Inch 7ails plays in my brain. I listen to The &ownward Spiral by magical playback and there are no little infantile screams to be heard. Starchild is in front of me, her robe open, and she%s laying her head on my head. I reach through her robe and start fingering her, gentle at first, then finger-fucking. She grips my shoulders. 2ump pump pump. She%s

55

swaying. I curl my finger inside her, touching the wall nearest me with its 8-spot. 8rTfenberg would be proud. I rub her the way I know she likes to be rubbed. She puts one leg up on the foot rung at the bottom of her chair. I look at her face but her eyes are closed. I look over at )orinne. She%s looking at us, and when I look at her she turns away. Starchild is very wet. 3livia starts crying, and starchild looks over at her. She starts to move but my finger is still inside her. 3ut, out9" she says, and she bends over to pick up 3live. She puts the baby on her shoulder and walks around the stage, robe open, shusshing her child. &o you think I%m demoni(ing the mother too much' &oes this make this piece misogynist' The guy is the hero, he%s the one who has second thoughts about piercing the baby%s hymen, while she%s all gung-ho to deflower her own baby' It%s a rhetorical *uestion, I don%t really care what you think. 7ot everything is meant to be criti*ued. +ut, critics have to have something to do, I understand. So criti*ue on, critics, and I%ll write. 0ou have to understand something about asshole bleaching clinics. These weren%t necessarily started by the people with the cleanest assholes. I got billed from my law firm for nine dollars and twenty-four cents. They had calculated what they spent on postage to send me letters, and were billing me for that. .or their stamps they used to send me letters9 I didn%t pay it, even though I should have with the whole !indsay !ohan thing looming. I needed my lawyer on my side. +ut postage' It didn%t seem right. Starchild walks her baby around the stage. I look at )orinne. She doesn%t seem like she%s noticed anything wrong with 3live, like the fact that her mother tried to remove the baby%s hymen with a pencil. She%s $ust happy to be getting paid. )hildren taking care of the children. I needed a full-time doctor, several of them, to manage all my symptoms. I think I%m stable on my meds now. We%re $ust making minor changes to the 3)& medication, which might have made me hallucinate before but now it doesn%t seem to be. That hallucination might have been due to other medication, or might have been because I was manic. I haven%t been manic or depressed in months. I float along at a reasonable balance of emotions, troubled by little, waiting for a star to fall down into my lap. With painted nails I feel more conscious of my hands, my hands feel se:ier. 7ot se:iest, but se:ier. &idn%t anyone ever teach you grammar' 1ow to form words' We met in a ,irgin records once and picked out computer games for the 2laystation R. 0ou thought JH?.?? was too much to pay. Then Sunset +oulevard. &own by that +everly 1ills spot, where the hotels. They have great billboards there, I might have been mistaken. .lump. 8et a lot of flump. #nd the girl in the cage in the lobby. So stylish, to have a slave locked up for your entertainment. Is the working on her thesis' 3ne of my readers is working me into hers. She interviewed me about Things Said in &reams and the answers are going into her thesis. We had steak last night, ate out with )orinne and the baby. !ancPme was dismissed, the four of us sat in a booth at .lemings and ate prime rib. It was *uality beef. Starchild and I took turns telling secrets and we tried to get )orinne to play but she would only answer a few *uestions. She blushed. +ut starchild and I talked loudly and we sounded like a couple of sailors. +oy, can that girl cuss. I was sorry 3live had to listen to it but I figured she had worse problems than that. This is page S? in my initial draft. What page will it be on when it gets to you' Starchild liked her steak rare, $ust like

56

me, and rare steak always made me think of pussy. )ut it open with a knife, reveal its insides. 8naw on it. Work it with your teeth. I knew a little rare steak once, this was in 3hio, before I moved to 7ew 0ork. She was about twelve. She was the daughter of someone I used to go to church with and she was $ust the right age to have those first se:ual e:periences. My friend /immy thought I was sick for calling her a rare steak but I was $ust trying to be accurate. I never did anything with her, though, I was too scared. That was before I got old enough to know that you don%t let opportunities pass you by. To know how scarce human contact is. Si: and four. RK.Rk. /immy was a drug addict, pills, and I wonder if he%s still alive. 1e was much older than me and never ceased to hit on me, trying to get us to have se: but all I would do was be his friend. It kind of messed up the friendship, his hitting on me. I could never rela: around him, let my guard down, because he was so into that thing. GThat thing, that thing, that thing.F Shades of ticky ticky. 6icky ticky ticky. Thirty-second notes. The punctuation. There is a structure to all this, it%s laid down below the words and is evidenced in the punctuation, the words that do surface, and the tonal connection through the words. Some people pick one word to focus on every year, to live that word, sink in its meaning. I pick one word every one thirty-second of a second. Thirty-two words per second, that is my clock speed. Sometimes I overclock. Seven and three. Wishful thinking. Sometimes the clock gets out of sync. That%s when I haven%t taken my tra(odone. 0ou need to take your tra(odone. 3therwise you won%t sleep, and it%ll be all 6ose Terwilliger. 8oogle her, she%s beautiful. 7ot that 6ose Terwilliger9 The other one. 0eah. With the beauty mark under her eye. That%s the one I%m talking about. She is true youth, and I know her from sharing space in an institution. 7ow is 6ose Terwilliger going to sue me' 1opefully she%ll never read this, she%s off having a nice life somewhere. Staying on the path. It%s regrettable because I wanted to fuck 6ose Terwilliger Gwho wouldn%t'F but we never got around to it, we were too busy recovering. She gave me Skittles once and I doubt she even remembers it but it was a sweet gesture. # nice gesture. When I type my typos are one word long. !ike I type a completely different word in its entirety, before I see the mistake. My brain is doing things I%m unaware of. I sweated last night. Slept in my clothes. Starchild asked me if there was anything wrong. I $ust didn%t feel like getting into it with her. I felt like I was camping, sleeping like that, with word check spell checking me all the time. !ike it%s looking over my shoulder, making sure all the words I type in are real words. Starchild and I both make up words. It%s part of our compatibility. <nderstand that I%m styli(ing. <nderstand that. Then we%ll have an easier time of it, and you don%t have to worry so much. Starchild will wake me up at night and have her cunt on my face. She rubs all over my beard and gets me to lick her when I wake up. I wake her up for se:, too, when I wake up and I%m hard I wake her up and we fuck, half-asleep, huffing and panting and then falling back into bed. 3nce upon a time. !et%s start that way. 3nce upon a time, there was a little girl named starchild. She didn%t like her name spelled with a capital letter because it wasn%t a proper name. #nd there was a boy, who lived in 7ew 0ork, who was between thirty-five and forty, and one day they ran into each other on the street. 3ne and nine. Is it like a code' Some kind of numerology' The gas tank on starchild%s

57

car is on the driver side. I don%t have a car. Who needs one' My 3)& kicked in there after some sleepless nights. I%m a drastic mess psychologically. 1ave you noticed by my writing' So yeah, it%s dual diagnosis. +ut not that kind of dual diagnosis, because I don%t have a drug problem anymore. I still use drugs, it%s $ust not a problem. 1ave you taken any prescription sleeping pills in the last thirty days that weren%t prescribed to you' &oes not apply, might apply, definitely applies. Will you let me drive your car ne:t time' I want to get head while I%m driving a convertible. We%ll keep the top down. 0ou suck my dick. I%ll drive real fast. &o you have some more of that blow' I told you to remember that I%m styli(ing..did you remember that' Someone who works at the library. She had a wheelchair behind her door and she drew blood e:*uisitely, I could hardly feel the prick. #nd no rooting around to find veins, I hate that. They%re going to check my cholesterol and my glucose, because those things can be affected by some psych medications. We ate Mc&onald%s sometimes, threw the wrappers on the floor of her car and let !ancPme pick them up. Starchild had been in a number of accidents so I tried to save us from more of that by my driving. When we went out to eat she had to bring bodyguards, so it%d be $ust her and me and two thickneck bouncer-looking dudes who followed us into the !ucky &evil. We%d get the -obe burgers with diablo sauce and a bottle of wine. Starchild would count her money, looking at her accounts, figuring out her millions. #nd I%d read on my tablet while we waited for food, old stuff of my own, looking for typos, and starchild would play with my dick with her foot under the table. We used to do that in school, play with each other%s genitals with our feet. +ut I%ve told you all this before. We%re repurposing, repurposing. My beard looks better in sunlight, as opposed to fluorescents. )orinne blushing. If she only knew the way starchild and I fucked, she%d blush even more. )orinne seemed like a church girl, like macaroni and cheese. !ancPme was like a wise sage, the sage of 1ollywood. )orinne was *uieter, an introvert e:cept around the baby. If she found out what starchild and I had done to her, she%d call )hild 2rotective Services. She wouldn%t give a fuck that starchild was a moviestar. We would get turned in and starchild would get 3live taken away. Maybe get $ail time. Whoop whoop whoop. )orinne was like our animal master, with 3live the animal, like we hired her to keep some wildlife for us. &o whatever you need to do to get by, if that%s a small cocaine habit then so be it. Tell who you can trust and keep it from everybody else. &on%t drive fucked up. +ut be reasonable. 6ose Terwilliger could be reasonable. Imagine them luring you to the front door. )atching you in a net once you%d got there. +ringing sushi from the one restaurant to eat with the staff of another restaurant. +y the lake. Starchild had high class places for us to go, places where people parked !amborghinis and they had twenty dollar shots of gin. Sometimes the first way you say a thing is the best. /ust an observation. #nd now that starchild wasn%t pregnant she could drink. 7o one carded her. She was starchild. 5veryone knew her, and they knew her reputation, and they weren%t about to be the person to tell her no. She brought business to places. .or months after she went it would be the place that starchild likes to go, and people would go $ust to be like her, to walk in her shoes. Three guys sharing an apartment. 7o, four. # four story condo with a

58

disassembled #T, in the garage. So many people everywhere. &oing their lives. !iving. Sleeping. +reathing. &riving. &oing things like buy cars and buy houses and send their children to school. My mom is on a cruise right now. She goes once a year. We always like to see the pictures after. Starchild trying to feed 3live a whole carrot, )orinne stopping her. Starchild placing the carrot back on her plate, at this vegan place we like to go to. Starchild doesn%t know what to do with a baby=how would she' She spends her time acting in films and getting in car accidents, she has no brothers or sisters, so she didn%t get to help take care of a baby when she was growing up. She knows how to love her baby, that%s it. There%s something about this sound that is making me increasingly annoyed. )an you turn that down' I haven%t been sleeping well. Maybe I%m getting manic. Should call &r. 5stes in 7ew 0ork and tell him I%m on vacation in !#. Maybe ask him what if anything to do about my symptoms. Maybe call &r. Meehan, see what she thinks. &o you think I%ll e:plode' It%s $ust this feeling of tension, I think they call it bipolar an:iety. It makes you feel like you%re crawling out of your skin, like nothing is right, and like you have to do something, anything, to make it better. I%ve opted for no italics in this te:t. It can be saved as a te:t file and lose nothing. I%m slowly drinking wine ne:t to starchild%s pool and starchild and )orinne are off taking care of the baby. Misogynist' Starchild comes out in a one-piece, $umps in the pool, and does a couple of laps. )orinne is following behind with the baby and the crib, setting one down and setting the other in it. +y the end of the day I%ll be pass-out drunk and will snore in starchild%s bed while she reads scripts ne:t to me. I take a sip of wine. Starchild comes out of the water and comes over to me and kisses my cheek, dripping everywhere. It%s a rare day off from filming and we%re $ust chilling at the pad. !ancPme is off. Starchild is having me make calls, and do things like order pi((a off the internet. Starchild likes sausage and feta. We eat outside. 3live cries. )orinne rocks her, walking up and down the length of the pool. Starchild has her script with her, and she%s reading up on tomorrow%s scenes. I promised you conflict, I know, but do you remember the part where starchild pierces her baby%s hymen' That was it. This is $ust a day at the pool. &o you need conflict' 3r can I let go your hand and take the training wheels off' This is the future of fiction. Take a sip of wine. I get the wine from a convenience store about a block away. <sually I take starchild%s car. Sometimes I walk. I buy many bottles when I buy. It%s nice to be off the set. I haven%t done any coke today. /ust going to drink wine. #nd take my medicine at regular intervals. I never really learned to type, but can you tell anything about my typing from reading this' 2robably not. We get merlots, cabs, and my favorites, syrahs and pinot noirs. This convenience store doesn%t have chianti, which is my real favorite. 1ow%s your reading going'" .ine. 1ow%s your writing going'" .ine, I guess." What do you mean, you guess'" Well I wrote two thousand words in a little under two hours, and I don%t remember a thing I wrote. I guess that%s good." I think that%s good you can%t remember. It means you were in the moment." Maybe. &o you want pi((a'" 0ou read my mind9" I%ll get it. &o you have cash or do you want me to pay over the phone." I have cash." 7evermind, let me get this." 0ou don%t have to." 7o, I want to, you%ve been buying everything." I make more," she says. True, but you shouldn%t have to

59

pay for everything. 0ou get it ne:t time." Thanks, baby, you take such good care of me. &o you want some coke' I%m going upstairs." 7o, I%m not doing coke today." 3oh-hoo9 !ook at you9" 0ou want two larges'" Whatever you think. I%ll be right back." Some of the things I say are hard to believe, even for a psychiatrist. Imagine treating me. I don%t envy my doctors. 1ow%s she doing'" That%s starchild talking to )orinne. )orinne nods. She%s bobbing up and down to keep 3live happy. Si: and four again. I%m getting two larges, sausage and feta cheese, thin crust, delivered. 1ere%s my credit card number. 2ress submit. )onfirm order. )onfirm again. Still si: and four. +eat counts are appro:imate within a factor of one. I%m still cracked out a little from lack of sleep. 7eed to get back on the tra(odone, lay off the coke for a while. !et that be starchild%s thing. She does coke, crystal meth, does pills, smokes crack, and has a drinking problem. I love that girl. We%ll eat like two slices of this pi((a and it%ll be done. 3h and if you were looking for more of a description of her drug use I don%t have one for you. Sorry, it%s $ust not part of the trip. We went to this cra(y strip club that was like five stories tall and had orgy rooms in it. It was me and starchild and )orinne and 3live. We didn%t do anything in any of the rooms, $ust pulled down my pants and she sucked on it for a little while. There was porn on but it wasn%t my kind of porn, you know' # guy in the ne:t room selling crystal meth. We left pretty *uickly, because it was dead, but if there were more people there it could be ok. With none of starchild%s friends over, there would be no /ess se: or me lusting after little hotties. I had )orinne if I wanted to lust after anyone, and while I wanted to corrupt her, it wasn%t likely to happen because she was constantly busy with the baby. Starchild and I would sneak away from the pool in mid-afternoon to go upstairs and fuck. 0ou need it every so often. Without it a person could get grumpy. 0ou need to feel your genitals rub against another%s genitals Gor mouthF Gor handsF $ust to feel ok. It%s a big part of mental health, regular lays, and at least I had that going for me. 7ormal for us was some oral, then missionary, then doggy style, and we%d usually finish up doggy style. So4 nothing too e:otic, $ust staring at a nine-year-old%s back while you fuck her from behind, and she has her face pressed into a pillow while she cums. Imagine yourself gagged with a bandana, hands and feet tied, getting fucked from the side. 0ou want $ust the right amount of se: in your story. 3therwise you%re writing porn. )all &r. 5stes. 7eed to work through some of those Sunday school fantasies about /ulianne !asley, someone else who can sue me now, $ust for mentioning her name. I%m obsessed with her, in a small way, wondering why didn%t we ever get together' -imberly +ogan is another se:y one. #nyway I have to work through these Sunday school fantasies so I can live my life, real and present right now. &r. 5stes is going to help with that. I really need to write another thousand words on my book. Maybe after the pi((a gets here. Starchild comes downstairs, freshly high off coke, and does a few more invigorating laps in the pool. +urning those calories. She%s young enough she doesn%t have to worry about her weight. She%s still a furnace, can eat and drink anything she wants and still stay skinny. I want to stick my )hapstick inside starchild%s butthole. It%s a nice smooth cylinder, it would work. GTwo and eight.F It%s $ust my little literary code, don%t worry about it. It%s $ust how I time the story, thought out in numbers, relative ratios of this and that. I got myself some more

60

wine. I%m not to the point where I%m yawning off of it, but I have a nice gla(ed feeling as I watch over the pool area. &o I ever have to go back to my old life, or can I sit around starchild%s pool forever' I hope the latter. Swish that wine. Starchild%s smoking a cigarette. It makes me want to smoke but I gave up smoking, long ago. Still like the smell. 3h yeah, I had this dream last night that me and starchild and a bunch of people from my middle school were going to a trendy restaurant to eat, and they had these wide curved booths where you could sit eight or ten people in this huge arc. I had a bookbag which gave me a balancing problem. Thank you for not discriminating with me against age, star one, you could have said I was too old and that be the end of it. Thank you for not doing that. I don%t discriminate with you about age, either, even though some people would give me a hard time if they knew I was dating you. I don%t discriminate because you%re famous, either, more famous than me. I $ust like you, I like your *uirks and eating pi((a at your house and hanging out with you on your set. Most of the time we don%t even spend together, really, but if it was $ust me I%d be writing alone in a room in 7ew 0ork, so this suits for the moment, it really does. /ust what the doctor ordered. 8ood pussy, good company, good times. My lawyer%s calling about that !indsay !ohan suit. I%ll talk to him later. I think it%s going to court. &elightful. 3nce more chance to meet !indsay !ohan and convince her I%m not an evil person. .ive and five. &on%t ever forget that this is all made up9 We never severed that girl%s hymen that was $ust a product of my imagination9 0ou don%t have to worry, no hymens were harmed during the making of this film. 3r is hymen its own plural' I don%t know. The pi((a%s here9 )orinne puts the baby down and goes to get it. )ash is by the door." 3k." )orinne comes back with two large pi((as, places them on the table by starchild. &id you tip him good'" I tipped him ok." Starchild opens one of the pi((a bo:es. The bo: is about as wide as half of starchild. She picks up a piece and the cheese is stringing all the way down to the pi((a. She eats it, devours it, wiping cheese off her face with the back of her hand. 3hmmm. It%s good." I%m over ne:t to her getting a slice. Write until the battery runs out on your laptop, that is the only way to go. Then sit at the charger and write some more. Seven and three, but by now you knew that, didn%t you' 0ou want to invent, when you write, invent something in your reader%s minds. I%m too drunk to drive. Tomorrow it%s back to the routine. +ut oh man this pi((a%s good. I%m nodding at starchild and she%s nodding back. They did it better than usual this time, didn%t they'" They did. They did they did they did. &amn this is good. I%m even hungry and I%m on coke. That%s how good this pi((a is." #re you getting your lines ok'" 0eah, I%m almost through." &o you want me to read it with you later'" 0eah, whenever you%re at a stopping point." 3k, I have about two hundred words left before I get to four thousand for the day so..after that'" )ool baby." )ool. I%mma sit down." 0ou want me to suck your cock'" She says this right in front of )orinne, who makes sure not to make eye contact with either of us. When you%re done with that slice." 0ou don%t want pi((a on your dick'" 0ou%re really gonna suck my dick'" I really am." She%s gnawing on her crust, looking over at my package, then up at me. )orinne takes the baby inside, and GbeautifullyF starchild sucks my dick in the open air of her pool, and I%m looking up at the sky when she does it. My

61

cum shoots up into her, and she catches herself, swallows. 0ou like that'" 0es." 0ou gonna be ready to fuck me in a little while'" 0es." 8ood baby. Write. I%m gonna have another slice. 0our cum tastes e:tra spicy today." Might have been the $alapenos, last night." Might be. Write, baby, write." I grab my laptop and on the serotonin high write my last two hundred words. Starchild smoking 2arliaments, placing the burning cigarette down on an ashtray, the smoke rising into the sky, starchild picking up the cigarette and bringing it to her lips. 2edestrian. 5ach stroke slowly. Smoking it, letting the smoky air into her lungs, flicking it, setting it down again. #sh falling, smoke rising, she twists the cigarette in her fingers and )orinne is coming out again with the baby, the whole afternoon is lu:urious, I start to understand what it%s like to be starchild, everything at your fingertips, fame, real money, and you still order pi((a for lunch9 It%s $ust that that twenty dollars is nothing to you. 7othing. I mean to me it%s not much, but it%s still something. To her it%s nothing. 7othing9 #nd she%s got picture after picture lined up, if it wasn%t this movie she was doing it would be another. Smoke rising from the ashtray. Starchild twirling the cigarette. 2i((a growing cold. Molecules of sausage and feta cheese slowing down, becoming less e:cited. That day we walked around Santa Monica drunk, after we ate at the seafood restaurant at the end of the dock, and we peed in a &enny%s after !ancPme stopped the car for us on the way out of that place. My friend /ay was there with us, and he wanted to ingratiate himself with he starchild, trying to get her to rub his dick off. I $ust got a call from my doctor that my cholesterol levels are really high, they want me to go to the emergency room if I feel di((y or anything. I don%t know what to do about it. I like eating out with starchild and in general I like eating out. I might have to start e:ercising. !ancPme was really nice when we had to pee. Me and /ay and starchild ran into the &enny%s and me and /ay were pissing ne:t to each other in the stalls and he was talking like he was about to get starchild but I knew she was $ust for me. 1e was so confident, thinking his dick was going to get rubbed and discounting me. Why do they discount me' !ike starchild couldn%t be in love with me, like why isn%t that the case. !ike /ay +enton is more likely to get laid by the starlet than me. 2roducers. Who can trust them' I had to worry about /ay +enton suing me now, because I used his name and he was a real person. Some shallow little vamp from producer-land who was going to sue me now' I laughed. Starchild was on my dick. She used to put peanut butter on it and then fuck it, sometimes $elly. She wasn%t about to rub off /ay +enton%s dick. That was his mistake. Sycophantic producer-ally. We might have got drunk with you that doesn%t mean we%re going home with you. Idiot. If I had a dime for every sycophantic wannabe producer that I%ve met. +ut yeah, we got drunk at the seafood restaurant and were looking at the sky smoking like what is this sky' What has it brought for us' Is it complete, with its whites and its blues' It was ultra-bright, a perfect )alifornia day. #nd there was a slee(er in there, he had no right to tag along with us, and his name was /ay, and I%d e:terminate him if starchild didn%t do it. I $ust invited him because I knew him from film school. What was wrong with that' +ut he didn%t behave. 1e thought it was a pussy fest, when it wasn%t. !ancPme made sure we made it to the car ok, she made sure the bill got paid Lcause we were all at the bar doing shots of 2atron Silver. /ay

62

bought, to impress us, but no one cared. We did one shot, two shot, three. Then it was using the bathroom at &enny%s on the way back home. Starchild lived in ,enice, but we had to drop /ay in 1ollywood. So it was a long drive with me, /ay, and starchild all in the backseat. I was in the middle, and /ay kept reaching his arm over me and touching starchild%s shoulder, as she leaned on me. I wanted to sing, /ay, you%re not getting laid9" but he was off on some fantasy of the CI-year old ,ictoria Secret model he was fucking. It was all about the status. # ,ictoria%s Secret model. 7ot that she was CI years old, not that to tell his mother. The cholesterol thing really worried me, I didn%t know what to do so I typed faster, knowing that my death might be unscheduled. .ucking starchild wasn%t enough e:ercise for me, I had to run, or ride a bicycle, or something. There was an asshole in the living room and his name was /ay. 1e had faked being locked out of his apartment to spend more time with the starchild, and now we had him installed downstairs while starchild and I did massive lines of coke on the second floor, fooling around with each other%s shit all the while. What should we do with him' We can%t keep him." I know, we have to take him home. 1ave !ancPme take him." 1e%s saying he%s waiting on a call from his roommate to be home." .uck the call. &rop his ass off on the sidewalk, he can hang out until his roommate gets home. We%ve dragged his ass too long today, already." 3k. I%ll talk to !ancPme." #nd yeah, !ancPme drove his ass home and he complained the whole way that he didn%t have enough home support and he wasn%t sure if his roommate would be there but it was all a bunch of bullshit he $ust wanted to hang out in the presence of a star a little bit longer. Was I like that' 7ot e:actly. I was a star of my own, starchild didn%t overpower me, I had done things. I hated when a motherfucker discounted what I had done. Starchild never did that. # motherfucker like /ay, he would do it all day, let me ask him *uestions about his work and never reciprocate. !ike there was nothing to ask about me. #sshole. 1e would have to go back to !ouisiana, where he belonged, with +ritney Spears% family and the whole backwater crew. The /ay +entons of the world were a waste of time, doing nothing, nothing to show for years of schmoo(ing, I was sorry I had invited him. I felt this pang of film school familiarity, which made me want to give him a chance, but it was wasted. #ll he wanted was to get hand$obs from superstars. Ten and (ero, that%s pretty good. There%s this asshole on the couch that I want to kill. 3ne of starchild%s friends" who came over a few nights ago and hasn%t left. Smooching off the free food and drugs, which I wish she had never offered him but she has. 1e%s doing lines in our bedroom9 .or god%s sake, make the motherfucker do lines by the pool or something. +ut starchild knows him from way back, like when she was five or something. 1e used to get her drugs, before she could get them, and she feels obligated to him for life. 7ow the motherfucker $ust sits on our couch watching pig-head movies, meathead shit, television not fit for children, stuff nobody would want to watch unless they were a meathead motherfucker with no class. It offends my very sensibility, and this is where starchild and I differ. 1e%s no problem to her. To me, his choice of cable shows is grounds enough for dismissal. 5verybody%s a starfucker. If your house isn%t on the cover of a maga(ine you%re hanging out with them, wishing you were famous. Is this me' #gain, no, I%m an accomplished

63

person, with my own life, it%s $ust these cheeseheads who sit around on your couch all night with nowhere else to go. )an%t you go back to your house' This is the type of *uestion you want to pose, but you keep waiting around for him to ask it himself, but he never does. 1e%s sitting there with no shirt on, sweating on the couch, and I know I shouldn%t care because it%s not my house, but I%m wondering how starchild possibly considers this douche to be her friend. 5:cept she%s lonely. Which I hate. Maybe that%s part of the reason she%s with me, because she%s lonely. I want her to be fully capable, fully ok, before meeting me, so that I%m having a relationship with that fully ok person. +ut it isn%t that way. I come to her where she is, lonely, fucked up, looking for not me but someone like me. I%m as tenuous as the motherfucker downstairs I $ust happen to live in the bedroom and it makes me want to go back to 7ew 0ork and forget this whole shit. I wish he%d stop smoking our cigarettes. 5very morning I come down and there%s an empty pack with this motherfucker sleeping on the couch, or sometimes still awake from all night. Watching racing, car racing for fuck%s sake. I%d be more happy if he was watching Sesame Street. +ut no, it%s 7ascar, and I%m shielding my eyes from the T, as we say our good mornings and he asks me where more cigarettes are. 7ascar. 2lease. It makes me feel like the house isn%t mine Git isn%tF. +ut it makes me feel like I%m less welcome, that this motherfucker is camped out in the living room for days. Swims in his tighty whities. 6e*uests pi((a toppings instead of $ust going along with the choice of those who are actually paying for the pi((a. I don%t even want to say his name, to do so would be to honor him too much, he is nameless asshole on our couch. +ugging starchild to get him crystal meth, waiting around seeming days to see if he can get a yes. Starchild and I leaving during the days and him being there when we get back home. # long day of filming, and you come home to a nameless asshole lounging on your couch. We%re trying to finish a movie here. Some of us are trying to write a book. What are you doing' Watching T,' That%s great. +ut I couldn%t kick him out, it was starchild%s house and she wanted him there, said he was in less trouble where she could keep an eye on him. Motherly instinct. The refrigerator emptied. 7othing left. This guy ate everything. It started to affect my writing. I knew when we went home this asshole was still going to be there, and I didn%t want to have se: where he could hear so it was messing with me and starchild%s love life. .inally she kicked him out. &on%t you have somewhere else to go'" I can go home, I guess." She never got him crystal meth. 1e was going to have to find it on his own. ;uel dommage. #nother meth addict sent home to fuck up his life and everyone he knows. 2ity. I had !ancPme steam clean the couch. Sent her out to buy all new groceries for the fridge. Made love to starchild nice and loud that night. )orinne was there but I didn%t care if she heard us. She was part of the family. I spanked starchild%s ass and stuck my penis in it. It was kind of a territory-marking thing. If your love life%s not vital then how can your writing be vital' I needed to spank her, $ust like I needed to write good sentences. 7ow that what%s-his-fuckingname was gone the house felt more secure. I started wondering what starchild and I were doing, was this a relationship' Would we be together for a long time' Should I move to !#' I didn%t know how I could have a complete relationship with a nine-year-old but so far all the necessaries

64

were present. 8ood se:. 8ood conversation. 8ood companionship. Who gives a shit about her age' It was all about e:perience. )ould we get married' I didn%t see that happening but it was worth *uestioning. )ould I have kids with her' I had so far been against having kids with anyone but starchild seemed as likely a candidate as anyone, in my life. I sure knew how to cum in her. Maybe it would $ust happen, and we would be locked together with a child..like her last baby daddy and her were locked together' She didn%t even tell me who it was. I never knew, even knowing her this long. She never saw him. Was I about to become that' More and more I wanted to pack up my duffel bag of stuff and go back to my city, settle back into the *uiet life I had there. I was scared of starchild, really, scared of her fame and scared of her personality. I would have left already if she hadn%t been so good for my writing. I wrote four thousand words a day when I was with her, twice what I wrote normally, and it seemed a pity to lose that. Some nights I%d wake up to 3live crying and starchild would be awake, too. We%d hear )orinne pick her up and starchild and I would $ust lie there in bed looking at each other. I thought she was thinking about making another baby Gwith meF. That%s sometimes what I thought of, lying there listening to her scream. We didn%t make love on those nights, $ust looked at each other, and wondered what each other were thinking I guess. Starchild did coke in the middle of the night@ I woke up drinking. It was a real healthy situation, skipping breakfast to do our drugs of choice. #nd the situation with 3live continued. Starchild wanted to cut her, but I convinced her to cut ourselves instead. We cut so much sometimes I would pass out because of the pain. We used our forearms. It didn%t matter to starchild, they could cover up whatever they wanted to in post. She could have tattoos across her face and they%d remove them, a few cuts didn%t matter. We started with ra(or blades but moved to a knife. It was a flat one, a solid rectangle, with the word 2#-IST#7" painted on the handle. I bought it at a pawn shop. Starchild had re*uested that I go out and find us something suitable for cutting, and that%s what I came back with. We would lick each other%s blood after the cuts, and one time )orinne walked in on us, holding 3live. She stood in the doorway, watching. I think it e:panded her world a little. Then starchild turned to look at )orinne and )orinne lowered her head and went away. Is this deep enough'" I think you can go deeper. +ut look, cut this way, you%re scaring me." 0ou%re getting scared'" # little." &o you want to stop'" 7o, I $ust want you to cut this way." 3k. 8ive me the knife." What'" 0ou still have the knife. 8ive it to me." 3h. 1ere." Then she%d cut me more deeply than ever before. I%d be gripping the carpet with my other hand, breathing in a measured way, trying to stay conscious. Then I%d look down and starchild was licking the blood off my arm. Imagine if one of us had #I&S." If one of us did, we both would by now, for multiple reasons." I like sharing blood with you." I like it too. !et%s put some blood on your pussy and pretend you were a virgin." 0ou want to'" Is that ok'" 0ou want to pretend that I%m a virgin'" If that%s ok." 3f course it%s ok. I think it%s sweet." So we did that. Mainly I got into the fact that we were getting bloodstains all over the bed and that we were gonna need to get a new one. The blood e:cited me, it%s 6orschach patterns on the futon cover. It made me feel like I was murdering someone, if you want the truth. I was more e:cited by the violence I could

65

pretend I was inflicting on starchild than the idea of her being a virgin. We got so rough that one of her cuts reopened as I was grabbing her wrists, spreading her arms out, forcing her down. I was biting her neck, and hard, hard enough to break the skin, but she only s*uee(ed her butt cheeks together and s*uee(ed every part of her, to take the pain. I held ice on her neck later, while we watched T,, my legs wrapped around her, me sitting on the couch, her sitting on the floor. )orinne was really our only witness to the cutting and other bathroom stuff. She would walk around with 3live and catch us in the middle of our activities." 5ven !ancPme wasn%t really aware of it. +y the time she showed up we would be sufficiently covered that you couldn%t see the cuts, and a bite mark on starchild%s neck was hardly grounds for worry. 0ou came to e:pect such things from a child star..who would she be without bite marks on her neck' 0ou e:pected that she did coke..how couldn%t you' She had makeup people to cover up things like bite marks. /ust get to the set a little early, and someone takes care of it. She was like a shivering animal when I bit her, some tiny creature that had to endure its lot, and did so by constricting every muscle available to her. I could feel her s*uee(e her vagina when I bit down, s*uee(ing down on me, inside her. +ut she took it. She wanted to be bitten, she wanted the pain. I didn%t en$oy giving it to her, e:cept that she liked it. Well, maybe in a weird way I did en$oy it, but it wasn%t like fun en$oyment. It was one more step removed, more of an intellectual en$oyment, seeing her s*uee(e down like that. I $ust knew that we were perfect together, after doing something like this. We were both brutal, and that brutality fit together. I wasn%t sure I%d find someone so into such a wide array of fun as she was. 6ape-fucking. In-character rape fantasies, with no safeword. Those thrilled me the most. 7otknowing, for a minute, whether starchild really wanted me to stop or not. 7othing made me harder. I%d seen on T, that some people can only get e:cited through violence, not se: per-se, and I started to wonder if I was one of those. +ut I wasn%t. It was $ust that violence e:cited me too. Searing down on starchild%s neck, biting her as hard as I possibly could, even messing up my $aw afterward. +iting into her arteries, smashing them. Something about her being damageable. That she wouldn%t last forever, and I got to be there for some of the damaging. I liked that idea. It fit with the idea that there is no god and that we%re $ust stuck on this planet to fend for ourselves. That we%re limited. +roken. +reaking. &on%t you think we were broken from the day we met'" What'" I mean from the very first day, in the alley, don%t you think we were broken then'" What are you talking about'" #bout how we%re broken." 0ou think too much, baby." That was starchild. I turned over to my laptop, trying to get this right. We were broken from day one. 6ight' 0es, we were. We were fucked from the beginning, bound to destroy each other in some way or another. She was destroying me because she was nine years old. I was destroying her because I fed into her sick habits, my imagination found them e:citing, delightful, nothing wrong with trying something new. +ut I was encouraging her, in ways she didn%t need encouraging. I lent credence to her practices, even had in the 3live hymen situation. Which I shouldn%t have done, because that shit $ust ain%t right. +ut I was fascinated to watch a mother who owned the child so much, who felt she had the right to do whatever she wanted to her baby,

66

there was something primal about it, like how a lion mother might treat her babies, complete ownership. This book is dedicated to the run-on comma sentence. <ltra-violence. 1ave you ever watched SeBen on acid' It changes you. There%s a certain flash-ness of the images that burns into you. 7ever leaves you. I had that kind of murder scene view into starchild%s bedroom, with the blood on her futon and us playing look who I found, time to rape you now" among other games. Thought sometimes I would wake up and find starchild dead right ne:t to me, from accidentally bleeding herself out during a cutting session. #ll that sticky-icky blood. Then )orinne and 3live and I would be the family, and it would be dismal. I liked our pool days the best, when everything was bright and lovely and s. and I $ust fucked normally Goral, missionary, doggyF and then came back to the pool area refreshed and played with the baby. S.%s movie was nearing completion and we all wanted something to do. S. suggested we get our nails done and I suggested we go to St. Martin, so we decided to do both. S. said that getting your hooves" and paws" done was one of the greatest things you could do for yourself and I had never had a manicure or pedicure so I said yeah. 0ou%ve never had your toes done'" 7o." 3r your fingers'" 7ope. 7either one. 7ew e:perience." We have to go today." 1er movie wasn%t over yet but she finagled some time out of the director so we could go maniDpedi ourselves. Starchild took me to a +everly 1ills salon. It was $ust the two of us, plus !ancPme and two bodyguards. 2ick your color9" Starchild encouraging me at these racks of nail polish. Is this black'" &on%t be boring. 0ou%re getting black'" I like black." I think this one is better for you." She holds up a sparkly blue one, glitter in it. I don%t think so." Well get it on your feet, at least. I%ll suck your toes if you get this one." I think black fits me better." Wimp." Starchild turns her back to me and picks out color. I need to go on a ma$or diet." 7o you don%t. !ook at you." 7o, but look right here. #nd here'" 0ou look fine." Maybe by your standards." What%s that supposed to mean'" 0ou think as long as it has a pussy and it moves=" 7o I don%t. I have very high standards. 8ive yourself some credit. &o you know how long it was before I dated you, that I dated someone else'" 0ou%re dating yourself right now." +y using the word Ldate%' 0eah, I know. 8et over it. We%re not all nine." 0ou%re my cool daddy. 0ou got your color'" 0eah." I%m going with this one, what do you think'" It%s nice." 0eah'" 0eah. What do we do now'" I can help you now," says this woman. #re these your colors' +eautiful, and=very nice. 1ave a seat right over here. &o you want to sit ne:t to each other'" 0es please." #nd who is this'" This is !ancPme, she%ll be taking notes." #nd them'" 8uys9 Sit down. 0ou%re making her nervous. That%s Tony, and that%s +rad." They work for you'" They%re my bodyguards." 3h, e:cellent9" #nd the foot technicians are already coming to work on us, sitting on short stools and taking off my shoes, socks, moisturi(ing my feet and applying many levels of gook to them, I lose track, even though I%m asking *uestions, of what is happening to my feet and legs. #t one point they are massaging us and all I can do is capture postcards of the technician%s face and think about fucking her. She has small breasts, her bra almost overpowers them. I look over at starchild. She has a maga(ine and is utili(ing the massage feature of the chair she%s sitting in. I pick up my controller and select a lower back routine. !ancPme, I want you to

67

get me an international cell phone. 3r make this one work from St. Martin. Whatever. #nd I want you to oversee )orinne%s preparation for the trip. Make sure she has enough diapers for a week, or make it ten days, $ust in case. 6emind me to pump between now and the trip, I don%t want to be breastfeeding her down there. 0ou%ll help me remember, too, right' Won%t you'" To pump'" I say. 0es. 0ou have to help me think of it because I%ll forget. I want to have fro(en milk because I%m not going to be breastfeeding her on the island. 3h, you think I%m really going to like it'" 0ou%ll love it. I%ve been there twice. It%s an ama(ing island, very non-touri(ed for the )aribbean." 3k. !ancPme. I also want entertainment for )orinne. 8et her an i2ad or something she can watch movies on, something that works down there, I%m not going to be hanging out with her and 3live the whole time I%m down there, she%s going to be stuck in her room at night." I think we should get her some time out and about." 3k. 3ne night you and I%ll stay in and watch 3live. )orinne watches her the rest of the time. That%s good. 8et )orinne some time out and about. 8ood call." Thank you." I go back to en$oying being massaged by this #sian woman with small breasts and they%re painting starchild%s toes and she%s saying, Make sure you get the edges. !ast time I came here they didn%t get the edges." Starchild bends down and handles the brush. !ike this. See' 8et it all the way to the edge. If they don%t do it I%m not paying them," she says to me. !ancPme. I%m serious. &on%t pay these motherfuckers if they don%t get it all the way to the edge." They%re painting my toes now. 8et it all the way to the edge on his, too, dammit9 See this'" Starchild is tapping on my foot tray. See that nail' It%s not all the way to the edge9 2aint it right or I%m going to shit on you. &on%t worry, baby, they%ll get you right," she says to me. I%m not worried." 0ou wouldn%t be, since your standards are so low, but it matters that they get it to the edge. 3therwise your whole toe isn%t painted, and it%s like, what the fuck. 0ou know what I%m saying'" Then we%re onto the manicure and I%m walking in these foam sandals with separator bridges between my toes. !ancPme sits ne:t to starchild, then it%s me. Tony and +rad are sitting in the waiting area, reading fashion maga(ines, their huge arms flipping flimsy pages, legs set wide apart. !ancPme, it%s important that you get the phone thing worked out. I can%t be down there with no phone. #nd no new number, either, I want people to be able to call me on this number, ok' #nd make sure )orinne packs a swimsuit. #nd tanning lotion. That girl is so white she%s gonna burn if we go out for a day9 What else' What else' I think we%re ready'" We%re ready." 0ou%re not ready, you need to buy a swimsuit. #nd buy some new clothes, all you have is two pairs of the same pants and like three tshirts. 0ou%re embarrassing me." I%m sorry9" It%s ok, $ust buy some pants or shorts or whatever. We%ll go after this. I know you like to pack light but this is ridiculous. 0ou need more than a laptop to be comfortable." The technician puts my hand up to a tiny fan, and I hold it there. She paints my other hand. I%m going to get to show starchild one of my favorite places on the planet. This is going to be good. 7o !ancPme. 7o bodyguards. /ust her and me and )orinne and 3live. We can do diving. We can do boat tours. We can swim in the ocean. There%s even a nude beach there that I think starchild will love, The 3rient +ay. 3r +aie 3rientale, in .rench, which that half of the island is. The flight

68

out was wonderful. We went from !# to #tlanta to SUM. The #tlantaSUM flight was beautiful. Skies like you wouldn%t believe. #nd the beginning of that true blue water. The St. Martin airstrip $ust barely fits on the island. When you%re flying toward it it%s like4 we%re going to hit that' +ut you do, you do, you touch down nice and easy and you know you%re on the island. Island time, island food, island people. We went in the spring which isn%t one of their busy times. When we got off the plane and collected our luggage, )orinne and 3live and me and starchild stood in the car rental area and were the only ones there. Men from behind their booths shouted at us to use their service, but in the end we had to choose $ust one so we made the choice sort of arbitrarily and $ust went with it. They brought the car around and the guy helped us load our luggage into the back. )orinne and 3live sat in the back. I drove, and starchild sat ne:t to me. We were staying at the 8rand )ase +each )lub and I drove us there along the one thin road that circles the island. It%s an island with a lagoon in the middle, and some places the land is so thin between the two bodies of water that you could throw a rock from one to the other. The island is half .rench, half &utch, and when you cross from one side to the other there are no checkpoints, $ust a little wooden sign stuck in the sand that says .rench side" or &utch side." It was nice to be with )orinne and 3live and starchild alone. We had had a little trouble in #tlanta with starchild being recogni(ed, but managed to handle it without security. 3n the plane from #tlanta to SUM we sat in the way back and nobody had recogni(ed her Gor if they did they didn%t make any trouble about itF. So far in SUM, we had been in the open and no one had said a thing. #t the 8rand )ase, the man at the desk had looked like he might recogni(e her GI caught a glanceF but he didn%t say anything, $ust checked us in and had a concierge take the bags to our rooms. We had two rooms, one for )orinne and 3live and one for me and starchild. +oth faced the ocean and the nude beach I had mentioned earlier. Starchild tipped the concierge and we were all standing in me and starchild%s room. Well, don%t you want to see your room'" )orinne carried 3live in to the ne:t room, which was e:actly the same as ours e:cept a mirror image. )orinne put 3live down on the bed and went to the windows, floor-to-ceiling glass that gave you the ma:imum possible view. #re you ok in this room'" starchild asked. 0es. Starchild this is beautiful. Thanks for letting me come along." 3f course. I wouldn%t leave my 3live behind for a week9" Well, thank you." !et%s all take a moment and then we%ll meet you for a walk on the beach and..can we get some dinner out there'" 0es, there%s a barDrestaurant thing a ways down, we can walk there from here." So, we%ll come get you in, what, half an hour'" Sounds good." Sounds good. Wait." What'" &o you have to be nude on the nude beach'" 7o, you don%t have to. 8o with what makes you comfortable." 3k." See you in half an hour." Starchild went back to our room. Starchild didn%t have any menstrual blood to drink so I settled for slamming her head against the wall a few times and licking her bruises while my penis was inside of her. We heard 3live cry, through the wall, and I asked starchild if she was going to be ok leaving )orinne alone with 3live sometimes so we could have private dinners and $aunts. 0eah, I%m fine with it. I trust )orinne by now. We $ust have to make sure )orinne%s taken care of, like she had pi((a or something to eat while we%re out fancin% it up." She can order

69

room service." True. Is it good here'" I don%t know, I never stayed here before." !ooks alright." What kind of T, do they get here'" Island T,." So no I.)'" 7o." Well, she%ll have to get used to it." It%s kind of cool, like the radio here, you get all these island mi:es of rappers you%ve heard of, but they%ll never play this song in the States." 3h, cool. #re you going naked to dinner'" 0eah, are you'" 0eah. .uck my ass. .uck it, baby, I want to make sure I have all the shit pumped out of there by the time I%m sitting down for dinner naked." So I fucked her ass. There wasn%t any shit in there. She $ust liked saying that for the effect. We showered together before we went out, and I was pressing her breasts together so I could suck both nipples at once and she was grabbing my dick and trying to get a finger up my ass. Stop. Moving so I can get you." 0ou%re a fucking ass pirate. Is this the ass pirate side of the island'" Stop moving, I%m gonna stick this finger up your ass before we go to dinner." So I turned around and leaned over on the side of the shower, stuck my butt out nice and plump so she could get it. She inserted the finger. S*uirmed it around. 2ulled it out. Was there any shit on it'" # little." !iar." !ook9" I turned around and there was in fact the tiniest bit of shit on her finger. I put my fingers back around to check my ass, wash it off a little. She held the finger out to me, by my mouth. I licked my lips and opened them. She stuck her finger in. I closed my mouth and she pulled her finger out, and it didn%t make me gag this time, $ust e:tra saliva running, I licked that finger and swallowed that shit like a champ. Starchild was proud of me, she started promising all these special treats for after dinner. Then I%m gonna let you fuck me rodeo style, which is really wild west style but with me on top, and I%m gonna let you bite me until I bleed and I%ll even cut you a little if you want us to both lick your blood and then I%ll shock you with the telephone wires on your nipples and the tip of your dick. We%ll make love in the stairwell, and busboys will see us while bringing up their trays. Then I%ll suck on your scrotum and finger-fuck you till your dick get real hard, then I%ll s*uish my soft little pussy around you and make you cum." &o you even know if they use the same voltages on telephone wires here as in the States'" 0ou%re so international4 Lthe States.% &o I guess they could be different, huh'" They might be higher." 0ou%d like that, wouldn%t you'" She rubs her nose in my face. We%re dry now, lying on the bed with no clothes on. It%s one of those imperial moments, one of those grand moments with no e*ual, lying on a bed in the 8rand )ase with each other, everything%s taken care of. +aby is taken care of, starchild and I got to play out some fun in the shower before dinner, that was great. The rooms are paid for, on my dime, this is my trip, my chance to show starchild some of how I live. She seems to be liking it so far. +aby are you having a good time so far'" !et%s go to dinner. Is this place good'" It%s ok. The best restaurants are in Marigot, the capital of the .rench side. +ut this one is in walking distance, and we can eat naked, so I was thinking this for our first night'" Whatever you say. I%m off this week, I%m doing whatever you say." 8ood. I hope you rela:." I am rela:ed, baby." 8ood. 0ou want to get )orinne'" 0eah. )an we walk out of the hotel naked'" 1ell yeah we can. This hotel%s on +aie 3rientale, you can be naked anywhere around here." Sweet. So we%re ready to go' 0ou got money'" 8ot it. 0ou don%t have to take anything." Weird, I%m so used to carrying my cell

70

phone in !#, it%s like an essential." Won%t even work here." Weird." I close the door. We%re knocking on )orinne%s and she answers. We%re ready." )orinne has her swimsuit on. &o I have to go naked'" 7o, darling," starchild says to her. 0ou do whatever you want. 0ou look good. Where%s my baby'" )orinne hands her to starchild. She%s wearing a diaper. 8ood baby9 1ave you been giving )orinne a hard time' 1ere. Take her." )orinne closes her door and takes the baby. We all go down the hall, starchild%s pert breasts being the most visible feature among us, )orinne%s body looks fine through her swimsuit, and I%m hanging out there, hoping starchild doesn%t do anything to make me hard. 0ou can walk straight from the hotel onto the beach, and it%s late afternoon island ti e by the time we get there. We walk along this long beach, with the sky%s color fading, and there are people playing frisbee, kicking a soccer ball, people lounging in chairs, people running, people walking. Most naked, not all. The thing about nude beaches is everyone $okes about them being full of beautiful women, but in reality they%re full of a bunch of whole, real people, men and women, big and small, children, adults, and it%s not all pretty what you see. We came to the hut where I wanted us to eat dinner, mostly a seafood place, with a bar, and even the servers and bartenders are naked, which took me some getting used to the first time. Is this gonna be weird for you two'" 7o, I love it." )orinne'" .ine with me." We go in and seat ourselves. The server recogni(es starchild. 0ou can tell $ust by the way she%s looking at her. #fter the server leaves I ask starchild, Is this gonna be ok'" 0eah, so far so good. )ould you tell she knew me'" 0eah, by her look." Well, it%s not a crime. #s long as we don%t run into any crowds, I%m ok with it. This is the life I chose." 3k baby." We order, startchild and I both taking alcoholic mi:ed drinks from the bar. 5veryone gets something different GseafoodF. )orinne has a small baby bag with her and it contains pumped milk from starchild, which )orinne feeds 3live, and 3live is relatively *uiet. 2eople who commit violent crimes are most often physiologically normal," meaning they%re not mentally ill." 0ou would think the the collo*uial that someone who commits a violent crime must be mentally ill," because they%re doing something abnormal, evil, wrong. +ut that%s not the way it is. ,iolent people are most often normal, mentally, and mentally ill people are most often nonviolent. It%s strange. &o you like your drink'" Starchild smiles. I see her really smile, and it%s the first time since we met that I see her like this, off, on vacation, on break. I bet it helps being able to leave the house without being too recogni(ed. #nd even here, our server%s being nice, she didn%t say anything. If she told people she works with, they haven%t come over or started staring at us. We $ust got to eat dinner like a happy family, in this cheap seafood place with naked servers and great bar drinks. Starchild and I are getting tipsy by the time we finish our dinners. Marco'" 2olo9" Marco'" 2olo9" We%re pretending to play Marco 2olo in the booth. )orinne, instead of rolling her eyes, focuses on the baby. Starchild has her bare toes on my dick and I have my big toe stuck inside her, wriggling it around. 0ou%ve been here three times'" This is the third." I don%t believe I%ve never been here." 0ou%ve been to other islands down here." 0es but this is so=it%s less commerciali(ed." +elieve it or not." It%s still commerciali(ed." 0es, but." +ut not as

71

much. It%s wonderful. Thank you for bringing me here." 0ou%re welcome. This is $ust the beginning. When we hit the restaurants in Marigot I guarantee you%ll love them. They%re idyllic." I believe it." #nd there%s this little low-key breakfast place I like to go over there, they serve fresh bread with everything, it%s.." Starchild grabs my hand. It%s wonderful. Thank you." 5veryone needs a break." 7o doubt. 0ou don%t reali(e how much you need a break from the place that you live until you leave. That%s what I was doing in 7ew 0ork when I met you, but even there things get cra(y for me, I have to travel with Tony and +rad." I think things are going to be ok down here, for a week." It%s nice to $ust be able to..let my hair down, you know' Sit in a fucking bar and not be bothered. !ook at us9 We%re sitting in a bar and no one%s bothering us9 8et me another drink." 0es, ma%am." I wave down our server. #nother =what was this'" 7o, I want to try the +lue )rush this time." 3ur server gives an e:tra special smile to starchild. 0ou got it. .or you'" I%ll try a +lue )rush as well." 8reat. Thank you." Thank you9 She%s so nice. #nd I get to look at her boobies all night." )orinne smiles. What' 0ou smiled'9 That%s the first time today9" #re you sure you don%t want a drink'" 7ot while I%m taking care of her." 8ood woman. !ooking out for my baby. +ut have a drink later, after she falls asleep. 3rder from room service. I hate to think of your being totally sober the whole time you%re on this beautiful island, ok, get a drink later." 3k." 0ou will'" 0es, I will." 8ood girl." 3rder anything you want off room service," I add. 0eah," starchild says. It%s all on sugar daddy this week, so go cra(y." I will," )orinne says. 8ood. 8ood. I wanna do some $et skiing this week, will you come along'" Starchild looks skeptical. #m I big enough to run one'" 0ou can ride with me if not. We%ll check it out at the place." #ww, baby, I might not be big enough to run one9" 3k, don%t worry about it. We%ll check it out at the place." I don%t want to ruin your fun9" Will you stop, you%re not ruining my fun9" 1ere are your drinks." Thank you." Thanks." Isn%t +lue )rush a movie'" 0es, I think that%s what this is named after." 3h my god I%m drunk. 0ou got me drunk. What were you thinking'" I was thinking, let%s get starchild drunk9" I like you drunk," )orinne says. Why, because I%m nicer'" 7o you $ust seem to be having..fun." Well I am, I am, thanks to this one." She s*uirms my penis with her toes. I $am my toe up into her farther. I%m going to fuck you with my thumb later tonight," I say. 2uss or ass'" 2uss." )orinne%s head lowers. +etter had said puss. 0ou need to give my pussy more attention." More attention'" 0es. )orinne, forgive him, he $ust likes to talk about se: stuff $ust to make you uncomfortable, I think." I%m not uncomfortable," )orinne says, *uietly, and I think she%s right. )orinne had her head on straight about her $ob, she%s not going to get pulled to the side by me and starchild discussing se: stuff. We drink our drinks and it%s dark outside by the time we leave the seafood hut, walking nakedly home by the lights they%ve set out to keep the beach lit at night, walking back to our hotel. We walk in the part where the water is $ust lapping at your feet, where the sand is hard, and it%s far away from the lights so it%s still dark for us. The beach has cleared, mostly, but there are still people sitting in chairs, making out to the starlight, and even a kid, here, playing in the sand. We walk in through the hotel lobby naked, e:cept for )orinne and 3live, and go up the elevator back to our rooms.

72

So this is goodnight. &o you have everything you need'" )orinne says, 0es." -nock if you need anything. 8oodnight 3live." Starchild kisses 3live on the face. 3live has a proper name. Starchild does not. The only reason starchild is being capitali(ed here is that it%s at the beginning of a sentence. 8oodnight9" 8oodnight." Then starchild and I click ourselves shut inside our room and I%m not sure which se: games we%re going to play out first. Maybe the one with my thumb up her pussy. +ut starchild sits me down on the balcony and pours out a glass of +acardi >H> that we bought downstairs. She kneels in front of me, her knees on the concrete balcony, and hands me the glass of >H>. She puts her hands on my thighs and goes down to my dick. I lie back and sip the >H>. She gets me hard, and I%m up in her mouth. She%s bobbing her head and I%m feeling that point of no return. I put one hand on her head, my other holding the glass of >H>, and cum in her mouth, s*uirting upward into the starchild%s throat, unbearable, perfect. 7ow I wanna do you." +ut she has me coming to the bed, and she%s wrapping me in covers, and she%s naked, ne:t to me, and I know I%m going to fall asleep. That night I had dreams about blood, and dreams about devils, it was like the *uestions they ask when trying to determine if you%re schi(ophrenic, do you see things other people don%t see' &evils' 0es, I%m seeing devils. I see painted carnival-looking flats like on plywood and they have red and white outlines around them. #lways the funky face. Is it unnatural' What if I wake up sweating ne:t to starchild' Will she know I%m diseased' 1ow much mental anguish can I take before being revealed to my closests as a criminal' .or all starchild%s wickedness does she not know that I loved when she pricked a small piece out of 3live%s hymen with that pencil, that abusing that child more is the first thing I want to do' I want to be the one holding the pencil=you spread her lips. If we can get )orinne out of the hotel and get a few moments alone with 3live..order ice from room service and put it in the baby%s nipples, on her face, on her cunt. See how she reacts to cold. Two and eight. See if she cries or cries in delight as an ice cube gets dragged down her cunt. !ick it first. Make sure the frost is off. Want a smooth ice cube running down her front. This is what I dream of, in fever dreams, starchild. #busing your baby the same as you want to, getting poor 3live to smoke a cigar before she can even talk, before she can walk. !et%s get her to smoke pot with us. Will have to find some, but I%m sure I can do that, down here. /ust walk along the beach looking for the smell, you can always make friends on an island. Three and seven. Scoring pot on the beach in St. Martin@ not a problem. .inding swingers to play off of me and starchild4 even easier. /ust swim in the ocean a bit, swingers will approach you. I had dreams of blood on the walls of our hotel room, of waking to find starchild%s vagina bleeding profusely, all over everything, even though she was dead, lying there still. I came to the walls, rubbed my fingers in it, looking back at the corpse on the bed, and rubbed it into the wall further, further spreading the mess. I dared to leave the room, leaving the door open for anyone to see, and I went ne:t door to )orinne and 3live%s room, hoping for the best. I could never *uite get the door open, though, because my fears were that 3live and )orinne would lie still on the bed, both cold and dead. When I tried to open that door I woke, sitting up in bed ne:t to starchild and my sheets drenched in sweat. 7o blood on the

73

walls. I put on a bathrobe and walked into the hall. Went to )orinne%s door, put my ear to it. &idn%t hear anything. Tried the door. It was unlocked. I want in and saw )orinne sleeping on one bed, 3live placed right in the middle of the other. 5veryone sleeping fine. I thought about raping )orinne but it didn%t seem like a good idea, and I ended up wandering to the the hotel lobby and finding their restaurant, which was still open with a late night menu, and I ordered some snails and put it on the room charge. When I went back starchild was still asleep, and I slipped between damp sheets and looked up at the ceiling, hoping to fall asleep. +ut I didn%t. I was half awake until morning. #nd over breakfast, which we took on the balcony, I was nervous about 3live and )orinne, and had to hold my mouth shut from saying anything about it. They came into our room after breakfast, totally fine, and I slapped myself for worrying $ust because of a dream. +ut it was more than that. I wanted to abuse 3live more, I saw the logic in it, I was perfectly aligned with starchild in wanting to mess her up further, we had never fed her shit and it was begging to be done. 0ou could probably teach a child her age to like the taste of shit, she%s so young, she%s still learning how to taste. #nd I knew we were going to do something else, because I knew that when starchild started I wouldn%t stop her. So I ate breakfast with a tear, for 3livia, and when )orinne brought her in and we all held her it was like a benediction, knowing that a curtain had closed around 3livia and she was going to grow up the devil of her mother, amassed in hate, and flowing with a counter morality. She was her mother%s child, and mine, in a way, and in this case freaky parents were going to lead to an even freakier child. I tried to imagine her as a teenager, and couldn%t. That day we went to Marigot, and wandered the shops. Mainly stuff aimed at tourists, a li*uor store with everything under the sun, a tiny cigar shop also boasting infinite varieties. Starchild looked at clothes in a shop by the water, and she helped me pick out a shirt which looked island-ey, which I still have and love. I picked out a cigar, and starchild wanted one too, so we got two /ames +ond IIB cigars, which I think the shop owner was laughing at us for, but we got them anyway. Starchild%s pussy blood was all over the side of the shop by the time we left. We ate lunch by the water, in a place called +on )hance. We all sat at one table. )orinne fed 3live some of the lobster sauce. I wore my new shirt and starchild had on a whole new outfit. Starchild had offered to buy )orinne whatever she wanted but )orinne declined. In the afternoon we took a boat trip around the island, during which we were able to view the many beaches, and we saw another island close by=I forget its name. There were people $et skiing and I said, I want to do that." I know you do. )orinne, we%re going to try to go $et skiing this afternoon, watch 3live at the hotel. &o you think she%ll take a nap'" She might." Well try to nap her. #nd don%t feed her shit or anything. That%s my $ob. &id I say that'" The boat powered its way Lround to another beach. What beach is this'" That%s +aie 6ouge, one of the nicest beaches on the island." +aie 6ouge." I almost ask starchild what language she took in high school but then reali(e she%s never been to high school. I took .rench. #fter the boat tour we drop )orinne off at the hotel and drive back down to Marigot, where the $et skis start. The man says starchild is too small to drive her own. Then can she ride with me'" 3ne person per $et ski." I start to say

74

something else but starchild butts in. !et me handle this. &o you know who I am' I%m starchild. I don%t know who you think you are but I%m going to ride this $et ski today and you%re going to let me. I%ll sign a waiver. +ut I%m not going to be turned away while my boyfriend gets to ride one and I don%t. !et%s make up a waiver. If I get hurt I don%t sue you or anything. 8imme that pen. 1ere. Write out some words. Make it say whatever you want it to say. I won%t sue you, etc. Is that enough' Will that make you happy' I knew from the moment I saw you that you were a pain in the ass gatekeeper who thinks the rules are more important than people%s happiness. 0ou%re on an island. 0ou run a business to make people happy. I%m a person. I want to be happy. Will you let me find my happiness or are you $ust going to stand there gatekeeping like a nail in a board. &o you have a girlfriend' I bet she%s as cardboard as your dumb ass. Sign that. 8o ahead. See' I made it say4 I won%t do shit. If I crash. There. 2ut your sig down motherfucker. I%ve had about enough of this part of the ride. Starchild motherfucker. Starchild. 0ou%re gonna give me a hard time' 2lease. There. There%s your pen. 7ow show us to the $et skis." Would you like to take part in our safety training, miss'" 7o, we don%t want to take part in your safety training, we want to ride the fucking ride." ,ery good. !et me get you your life$ackets and in your case may I suggest a helmet'" Starchild wore the helmet. She made a huge stink about it with the guy who was helping us, then I asked her nicely and she put it on. The speed was controlled by the handles so even as short as she was, starchild could reach the controls. There were timers on our dashboards that showed how much of our half hour was remaining. They started us up and we trolled out to sea like a couple of regular tourists. I revved mine a couple times and starchild got mad. Wait till we%re both ready." 3k. #re you ready yet'" 7o." I%d rev again. Stop9" +aby, are you having a good time'" 0es." +ecause back there with that guy." That' I was $ust fucking around. &on%t take everything so seriously." Then she got ready, and told me, and we went fast on our skis. Starchild was getting bumped up off the seat when she hit even small whitecaps. 1old on9" I am9" she screamed, totally happy. 1ugest smile on her face. 8etting bounced around by the waves and barely holding on to the $et ski, like a maniac. !et%s go even faster9" I heard her shout, and we did. /ust shooting straight out into the sea, and I started thinking about sharks and whales and stuff, big things that could kill us, and I wanted to go back to the shallow water but starchild $ust kept on going, out, and out, and out. She stopped after a while, and I was bumping up beside her, and I reached out and she grabbed my hand. I had my foot on her $et ski and she had her foot on mine. This place is beautiful. Thank you for taking me here." I%m glad you got on a $et ski." 3h I was gonna get on a $et ski, one way or another, if we had to steal Lem I was gonna get on one." I laugh. I%m serious. 1ey." What'" When we get back I want to do something new to 3live." She looks at me, trying to read my face. I want to, too." 0ou do' 0ippee9" +ut nothing bad." 7othing..too bad." I laugh. I mean we%re not going to do anything bad to her, we%re $ust going to do something to her." !ike eating shit." That%s what I was thinking9 +ut..I don%t know if that%s good enough. !ike. I was thinking of cutting her. /ust on her arm," starchild adds. Maybe her foot'" I was thinking arm would be the less damaging over time'" 1ow deep'" Starchild

75

shrugs. It%s $ust an idea. We don%t have to do that. +ut something." I agree. So make this )orinne%s night out'" 0eah, I%ll give her some money, tell her to go buy some clothes and get dinner. Maybe she%ll meet someone." )orinne' 7ot likely." We%ll give her the car, ok, so she can come back here or go wherever'" .ine with me. We could get 3live drunk." That%s a good idea. 8et her shitfaced, see if she does anything funny." We don%t want to ruin her brain, though." 7o, but it doesn%t take much alcohol to get an infant shitfaced." I%m $ust saying, her brain is still developing." So is yours." +ut I mean, like, at a rapid pace." I%m kinda settling on cutting her." 3k." +ut the bad part is, $ust like tattoos, it%s hard to get $ust one. I%m worried we won%t be able to stop." !ook9 Twenty minutes left. !et%s ride around9" 3k, se:y." So we swirl off, going in circles and ultimately heading back to the shallower areas. 0ou can see all the way to the bottom9" It%s ama(ing9" 8o fast9" Starchild $erks off, fast, forward, and I follow her. We wind out the rest of our time near the inlet where we came from. )orinne%s night out9" )orinne%s night out9" We%re singing. Time%s up." The clocks run to (ero and we%re scooting back into the dock area. When we got back starchild knocked on )orinne%s door and I heard the beginning of starchild giving )orinne the rundown on tonight%s activities, )orinne taking the car and everything. Then starchild came back to me and we were both sitting on the balcony smoking /ames +ond IIBs and drinking rum out of our bathroom water glasses. I could see partway up starchild%s shorts and her white and pink panties and I said, Why don%t you take your clothes off'" She did, she stripped down like she was taking an order. !eave the panties on." Then she was sitting on my lap and unbuttoning my shirt, playing with my nipples. She got my cock hard and took off my swimsuit, pouring rum down my chest and licking it off where it flowed around my cock. Then she would put me in her mouth, $ust for a second, and it was heavenly, a perfect way to spend an afternoon. I laid her down on the table and took off her panties, then poured gin right over her puss, licking upward on her lips to suck off some of the rum. Starchild grabbed her cigar and smoked with her head lying off the table while I did this to her, and I was afraid she%d get ash in her eye. &oes this sting you'" 7ot right now." I stood up and pressed my dick into her, $ust fucking her on the balcony, anyone could be watching, and I fucked her so that we both came, and starchild had to drop her cigar in the concrete floor, she was making fists with her hands, gripping. Then I came in her, pumped her full of cum, conditioning her pussy, and I was soft and pulled out and went in to lie on the bed. Starchild followed, closing the balcony door, and it was the two of us in air conditioning, $uices dripping out of us. &id you give )orinne the keys'" 0es. She%s gonna bring us 3live around five." 8oodnight." 8oodnight." We draped the bedspread up over us from the sides, so that we were lying on it and under it. It was a thin blue bedspread, nothing like the nasty puffy bedspreads found in the States. When )orinne knocked on the door it was H4RI. Starchild and I both wrapped in bathrobes and I opened the door. 1ello9" 1ello9" 1ow was your afternoon'" 8ood, we%ve $ust been layin% around. 1ow was yours'" 8ood. She%s been sleeping a lot so she might be awake for you tonight." 1ere, baby." #nd..I%m leaving you my room key in case you need any of the baby stuff, but I made you a little care package with some essentials in

76

it." Thank you. 1ow thoughtful." Thank you, )orinne. I hope you have a good night out. Stay late if you like, we%ll be up so you can get your key back." Meet someone," starchild says. 1ere%s some money." Starchild hands )orinne the JCII she stacked up earlier. +uy clothes." #s soon as she%s out the door we%re placing 3live on the bed, stripping off her onepiece, her diaper, her socks. We dive into her, kissing and blooching and whispering in her ears. +aby baby baby9" 3h 3live9" We love you 3live9" 1ello 3live9" 7ow what are we gonna do'" Shit bath9" 3k, but where are we gonna get the shit'" We wait till she poops9" 7o way, do you have to take a shit' I don%t want to be waiting here all night." &o you have to shit'" 7o." )ould you force one'" 7o9" We could cut her in the meantime." 7o, I wanna do one thing only, I don%t want to have complicated regimen. +ut I like shit bath. I suppose we could wait." We%ll feed her, to make sure she%s processing down there. 8imme that." I take the canister of solid food from starchild and start shoveling it down 3live%s face. We want you to shit for us, baby9" )an you shit for us'" Then it was $ust watching T, hoping for one of to have to take a shit because shit bath was the hands-down winner for our evening activity. We put 3live%s diaper back on, partially. .inally she shat. 2ick it up9" 1ere, get the diaper9" We put it in the bathtub and ran the water. If you have to shit we can add it to it9" 0es, if you have to shit $ust shit right in the water9" We all got naked and were handing 3live back and forth in the bathtub, holding her up so that if she had to shit it would s*uirt right down into the water. 1er little shit got disintegrated by the movement of the water, and it was $ust a brown water bath for while. Then starchild, and finally I, was able to shit. Starchild%s came out in this curved solid, *uite petite, and mine came out diarrhea-ey and chunky, I think because of the rum. I touched starchild%s, pinched it into two pieces, and admired it. It was well-formed, solid, $ust the si(e of her tiny bowel. 0our shit is beautiful." So it yours, in it%s own way." 0ou don%t mind that I%m so..e:plosive'" It%s you, what can I say' It%s you." Starchild dipped baby 3live into the water, and 3live kicked. This is a shit bath with me and daddy. !ook at her kick9 #h9 0ou%re getting it in my eyes, baby, that can%t be healthy. Take her." I take 3live and starchild wipes her eyes with the back of a hand. It%s pretty much everywhere now." !et%s dip her under. /ust for a second. Swim her." 3k." I start handing 3live back to starchild but starchild says, 0ou do it." 0ou ready to go underwater'" She seems to say yes with her eyes. She%s a happy baby. 3k, here we go." I ad$ust her in my arms and swoop her under the water between me and starchild. Then she%s up9 and out9 and starchild%s wiping her face with a washcloth that has shit on it and I%m handing the baby back over to starchild. 0ou called me daddy. # minute ago, with 3live." &id I'" 0es, you did." 1ow did it feel'" It felt good. I do think of her as yours and mine, even though she%s not." She%s more yours than that piece of shit." Well, I like our little threesome. Is there still time to get 3live drunk'" 0eah, let%s shower first." Should we drain this first'" 7o, $ust..turn on the shower and let it drain, we%ll get everybody clean. We should get new towels, too." 0eah, I noticed there was shit on the washcloth you were using to wipe 3live%s face a second ago." 3h, gross. 0eah. We%ll get new towels." #re $ust going to send down these shitty towels'" .uck Lem9 Who cares. 0es, we%re going to send down shitty

77

towels. It%s none of their business9" I didn%t want to make it into an argument, so I backed off, and the three of us took a long shower and got all the way clean, clean in every button and crack. I tried feeding 3live from our large rum bottle but it wasn%t working until starchild came back from the minibar. The smaller bottles were easier to try to get into her, and=ama(ingly=she didn%t gag. She spit up most of what we tried to get down her, but still she swallowed some. &oes she seem drunk to you'" 8ive it twenty minutes. &on%t9 What are you doing' &on%t feed her more9" Why not' I want to9" 0ou%re gonna get this baby schlit(ed." That%s my intention. Why don%t you get yourself shitfaced with that rum over there'" Someone should stay sober while we have the baby." We don%t have to stay completely sober. What%s gonna happen' She%s $ust gonna lie on the bed and pass out, probably." I hope we didn%t give her too much that she gets alcohol poisoning." With that amount' 7o way." +ut she%s so much smaller than us, remember." She%ll be fine. 8et yourself drunk. I%ll $oin you in a minute." #nd starchild was feeding a teeny tiny bottle of #bsolut )itron to her baby, slowly so she wouldn%t spit it up, and 3live was giving out cries of $oy between sips. She didn%t get drunk=I mean you couldn%t tell. She stayed awake and she cried some later, but she didn%t have any words to slur and she wasn%t walking, so. I bet the shit she took later stank like a motherfucker. 0ou%re welcome, )orinne. +ut that was all the evidence there was that she had gotten drunk, and the s*uirty shit bath was the pri(e of the evening. #ll the shit had gone down the drain and we had fresh towels in the bathroom by Kpm, $ust in case )orinne came home early. We were lucky because she came come by K4>H, saying she couldn%t possibly have stayed out any later, and trying to hand starchild a hundred dollars that she hadn%t used, but starchild wouldn%t take it. )orinne came into our room and held up the clothes she had bought, a couple of items from the same shop that starchild and I had bought from earlier. #re you ready to take charge of her again'" 3h, I missed her9" Well, we took good care of her while you were gone, had some family time, we even took a bath9 We packed up your bag again, thank you for this, it was useful." 8oodnight )orinne." 8oodnight." We%re going early to breakfast, all four of us, so get a good night%s sleep." 3k. See ya." See ya." Starchild closed the door. She had a devilish look on her face. What'" &o you think..that )orinne..would ever play along with us in our bathtime games' It would be so much more fun to have the whole family involved, don%t you think'" I step close to starchild. I think..she would call )hild 2rotective Services. I don%t think she%d find it funny at all." #ww..poor girl." I know." It%s sad..to think of someone living their life that way." #nyway I think we should keep it to ourselves. That means no talking around )orinne, too." 3k." 0ou will'" 0eah, I%m sorry about earlier, I $ust wasn%t thinking like an adult. That%s what I have you here for." Starchild smiles. I laugh once and fall into one of the beds. Starchild sits on its edge drinking bottles from the minibar while we watch T,. When she%s done she tosses the bottles onto the floor, while making a neat pile of their caps on the bed beside her. I%m not e:actly sure what to write at this point in the story. I could tell you more about our week in St. Martin, how we sat on the beach, me with my laptop, and spent the afternoons typing and swimming and playing with little 3live. I could tell you how starchild and I met this couple who were

78

into swinging and how we did a little swap-er-roo9 the ne:t to last night of our trip. +ut these things would be pedestrian. We didn%t take anymore alone nights with 3live, so there were no more shit parties or potential cutting adventures. Starchild came away refreshed@ I did too. )orinne had a week of work, but it was a week of work on the island, with perks, so I know she en$oyed that. 3live liked playing in the sand, and she fed herself handfuls of it. 6oughage. )an you hear the middle-aged voice in my te:t' The word choice, so very thirty-something. 3ut of touch, clinging to a lost past, I know. If I could write and pretend to be younger I would. Instead you%re stuck with this. I would apologi(e more but my dick already hangs apologetically, the way the turtle neck comes down to cover the tip, even though I%m circumcised. It%s embarrassing, I have to reach down my pants all the time and refresh it, pull the skin back so I%m comfortable. I don%t have to follow all your advice, 8oogle grammar checker. Some of your options are simply absurd. I could catalogue all the restaurants starchild and I ate at while we were in St. Martin, but I%m not going to do that. I%m going to skip ahead to parts of the story that involve shitplay and the disruption of 3live%s childhood. 0ou%ve already gotten used to me having se: with starchild. 0ou don%t care anymore that she%s only nine. 0ou%ve almost gotten used to the disruption of 3live%s childhood. It%s punch is waning, and you, hungry reader, will want more from me before this story%s end. While I want to give you more, I also must remain true to this story%s roots, and at its root this story is a story about shitplay. The starchild falls down, shits herself, and I clean her up in an alley with a hose. That is how we fell in love. That is always and will always be what this story%s about. If the thought of putting shitty water into a syringe and in$ecting it into the bloodstream bothers you, then I suggest you turn back now. That%s right. If you don%t want to read about literally in$ecting shit into the bloodstream, this is your getting-off point. This is actually a good stopping point. 0ou can end with the still image of my feet sticking off the end of a 8rand )ase hotel bed with starchild sitting on its edge drinking the entire minibar, tossing bottles onto the floor and setting their caps in a neat pile beside her. The end. +ut of course that%s not the end, not for those of us who will be continuing on this shit $ourney, following it to its inevitable end. We will be wrapping in plastic capes and putting on rubber gloves, spraying our shoes with Scotchguard, and donning goggles so that none of the shit may get on us, because, yes, there are those among you who prefer not to have shit on your penises, shit on your cunts. I have encountered your kind before. I won%t say I liked it, but I have done it. What use would I have for a person who isn%t shit-friendly' Would I have coffee with you' G7ot more than once.F Would I fuck you' G&efinitely not.F 7o, I only travel with the shitfriendly, the degraded, fucking whores. .or I am one, certainly, a whore beyond belief. If I told you how I had been degraded, the many ways and methods, it would take another book. Truly, I don%t want to drag you through all of that. +ut if in$ecting shit into your eyeball is something you%d rather not be a part of, stop now. If shit-swapping enemas are something you%re not too keen on, stop now. If snorting lines of dried and powdered shit doesn%t sound like your cup of tea, then don%t travel with me. There is too much fun to be had, and I%d rather only have along the people who really want to be here, so you don%t ruin the e:perience for

79

your fellow readers. If you don%t think sipping shit water through a straw sounds like fun, then what are you' 6eaching your hands into the toilet after your friend has done their duty, and grabbing, and s*uishing, getting between your fingers, rubbing it around, even drawing with it on walls Gpreferably in a public bathroom or hotel roomF, using shit as deodorant, smearing it underneath your arms. Taking turns shitting in each other%s mouths, perhaps the ultimate form of shitplay. Shitting in bo:es and mailing it to strangers out of the phone book. Shitting to mark the territory around your house or apartment. Shitting in the pool when unsuspecting guests are around. Mi:ing shit in the cookies and feeding them to visitors, watching them tell you how good the cookies are. Shitting on your laptop and closing the lid, smashing it down between the keys, then opening it like a waffle iron and licking fingerfuls off the screen. <sing human shit as fertili(er. Making shit ice cubes. 8etting ten people together and all shitting in the same unflushed toilet in a restaurant, then leaving it there for the ne:t customer. Shitting in public places, holding it in and letting it out real *uick inside a funhouse or a roller coaster car. I mean, there are more things we did with shit but I%m not going to list them. Some of this book is left as an e:ercise to the reader, to discover and invent the shitplay that works for you. I%m merely giving suggestions to get you started. &oes it make you have to shit $ust listening to this catalogue' It makes me want to shit, writing it. See you have to ask yourself, why did you never think of sending shit bo:es at )hristmas instead of cards, to your old high school friends you keep up with on facebook. Why didn%t you think of that' Think outside the bo:, man. 2ut on your thinking cap. There are a lot of possibilities out there. #nd not $ust with shit. &id you ever decide to give away your belongings to strangers' )onsider it. It%s possible. The *uestion is how far outside of normal" are you willing to go' # lot of you will not be able to do these things Gor you won%t do themF. That%s ok. /ust considering such ideas is an e:ercise in growth. It took me some growth to get into the idea of fucking a nine-year-old. If she hadn%t been so forceful it probably wouldn%t have happened. If she hadn%t literally taken my dick with her hand and put it onDaround her vagina, I wouldn%t have stuck it in. 3nce you%re feeling those soft parts, though, it%s difficult to stop. 0ou had me at4 soft and wet outer pussy feeling. 0ou had me at4 rubbing my dick down there. 0ou had me at4 starchild. I covet the starchild. I take delight in owning the starchild. I take delight in giving the starchild away Gas with those swingersF. Starchild. 0ou are the brightest star among them, the only one that matters. Starchild. I make love to you as I would make love to a god, consider you a god, consider you divine. )onsider your fame as something not-real, something I used to care about before I met you. 7ow I don%t even believe you%re famous..e:cept you are. !ike that I%m the one, out of all the people clamoring to be ne:t to you for a minute, that I%m the one who gets to sleep beside you, to be inside you. To play with you. 0ou make me more of myself, that you%re with me, that we can commune, speak, touch. Sit beside each other at dinner. .eel your hand go down my pants and ad$ust the turtle neck for me Gthank youF. +rush your teeth at the same time as me, sharing toothbrushes in mid-brush Gof courseF. 3ur mouth bacteria is the same. 3ur asses use the same toilet paper. I can wake you up to fuck. 0our smile makes me hard. 3ne finger

80

and I%ll slide my ass down on it, ass-fucking your hand. .inger-fuck my ass, starchild. Stimulate my prostate and make my dick Vber-hard, then we fuck. !et me eat you for hours, until you%ve already cum and you need to get dick-fucked to get that one last orgasm. !et me drop below the surface and understand you in sign-language, by the shape of your actions, no words, like we%re underwater. #t the beach, on the last day, starchild and I were treading water on +aie 6ouge and I told her, !ook, I hope this doesn%t mess things up between us, and I%m having fun in !# and all, but I think I need to go back to 7ew 0ork and do a few things." !ike what'" I need to see my psychiatrist, my therapist, and I want to check on my apartment. That%s not true. I don%t need to check on it. +ut I want to be there. I miss my apartment9" #nd you want to go by yourself'" I hadn%t even thought of that, that you might come with me. I figured you needed to be in !#." 7ot right now I don%t. I don%t have anything going on there." Would you like to come with me to 7ew 0ork'" # big smile from starchild. 0es." 0ou can stay with me, I%ve got plenty of space." I have an apartment in 7ew 0ork," she says. +ut I%ll stay with you. )orinne and 3live can stay at my place." There%s enough room at my place for )orinne and 3live if you want them close by." I%ll think about it. So am I invited'" To 7ew 0ork' 0es9" I accept," she says, and puts out her hand for a shake. I shake it, then go back to treading. 1ow long can you stay'" #s long as you want. 3r, until something comes up, really, I might get a $ob and I%d have to go back, but, for now, nothing on the schedule." 0ou%d really come to 7ew 0ork with me'" Why not'" Wanna go straight from here'" Sure." I like this about you, you can do things like this. I%ve been looking for someone so long, even $ust a friend, that can do the same things I can do, like go on vacation at a moment%s notice and end up in a different city on the way back. 0ou%re fulfilling a need I%ve had for a long time. Thank you. .or being you." Thank you too. I%ve needed a friend too." We are friends, aren%t we'" We%re super friends." When we get back to the hotel I%ll work on our flights. 3h9 )orinne9 &o you need to talk to her'" I%ll talk to her." )an she come with us'" I don%t know. I%ll ask. I hope so." I hope so too. I like our little family. 0ou and me are the grown-ups, and )orinne and 3live are the babies." I%m one of the grown-ups'" 0ou are." 1ow did I get to be that way'" +y the way you act." 0ou%re more like a child than me." Why'" The way you sit. #nd the silly way you talk." I talk silly'" She nods. 3n our drive from +aie 6ouge back to the hotel, starchild popped the *uestion to )orinne. )orinne said she loved 7ew 0ork but had only been there once, and she would love to go e:cept she didn%t pack enough clothes. We%ll buy more," starchild states. #nything you need. &id you bring your phone'" 0es." 8ood. So you can do it'" 1ow long are we going for'" We don%t know. /ust come along and if you get homesick I%ll send you back, ok'" Well..ok. Where will we stay'" 3ne of our apartments. 3r a hotel. We%ll work it out when we get there, let%s not get bogged down in the details." That shut )orinne down. She didn%t say another word until we got back to the hotel. Then it was all s*uee(ing the last bit of St. Martin out of St. Martin. Starchild and I went out to dinner, reprising our favorite restaurant for the week and getting drunk while )orinne stayed home with 3live and starchild drove us home drunk. She could barely see over the dashboard, but I was used

81

to that from her driving in !#. She%d been stopped, too, many times. +ut she used her star power and hotness to get out of the normal driving rules, like you have to be si:teen. They $ust let her go. 5ven $udges gave her special treatment, because they wanted to know her, to be close to her in some way. I was starchild%s lawyer. I was starchild%s $udge. +ut she got us home ok=or back to the hotel. The parking wasn%t too suave, but. We made it there alive. Skipped )orinne%s room altogether and went to the bed. If there%s one thing starchild loves it%s drunk fucking. She likes it when I%m rough with her, when I hold her down. I like it too. It%s a license to be wilder, more animal, it $ust comes naturally when you%re drunk. 3ur drunk fucking was the best. So we drunk-fucked and passed out, and the ne:t morning it was packing and getting everyone in the car and heading back to the car return place. It was in a different spot than where you rent them, and once you returned the car, you had to take a shuttle with all your people and all your luggage to the airport. It was sad getting on that shuttle, being without our St. Martin car, and the shuttle driver recogni(ed starchild, so that was like a little taste of what we were going back to. &on%t handhold your readers. )ut off parts of sentences that aren%t necessary. !et them connect the dots. In the line at the airport, waiting outside, it was hot and we all started to sweat. It was horrible knowing we were leaving, going back to the usual. #t least we weren%t going to !#. We flew from SUM to #tlanta to /.-. 3n the plane from SUM to #tlanta we talked about our trip, remembering the good parts, keeping of course the shit bath from )orinne, but I saw the look in starchild%s eye, she was remembering it and I was too. We both reached for 3livia and touched her at the same time. I wondered if 3live would remember that, somewhere in her brain, even when she was older. 2robably not. +ut in her deep memory, she would, that would shape who she became in some unknown way. My TM/ is acting up. Sitting here writing. I%m holding my $aw in all sorts of weird ways. Someday my $aw will lock shut and I won%t be able to open it. I%ll stop talking and starve. 1opefully starchild will be there with me. She can put pi((a in a blender and feed me through a straw. It was >Ipm by the time we got to /.-, and as soon as we were on the ground starchild was on the phone to !ancPme having her make reservations for her and Tony and +rad to come stay in a hotel near my apartment in So1o. It would take them a day to get to us. !ancPme was packing some things that starchild and I had left in her bedroom, $ust some se: toys. We took a cab from /.- to my place, and it was such a different scene than I had known for months that my own apartment looked strange to me. I turned on the lights and everything was still there, my lounge-like living room and I took starchild to my bedroom. She s*uee(ed my ass when she saw it. !ow bed, everything in black, old-fashioned bookshelf covering one wall. We showed )orinne the e:tra bedroom, where she would stay with 3live. It was pretty much across the hall from mine. Smaller bed, but large enough that )orinne would have no e:cuse if she smothered 3live. )orinne put 3live down and starchild and I hung out in the living room and kitchen, making drinks and her checking out all of my things. I had a white dildo I like to use on my ass sitting in the dishwasher that she discovered. What%s this for'" 3h, you know." She raises her eyebrows. I like to have my prostate stimulated. That%s actually an attachment to my vibrator." 0ou

82

vibrate this in your ass'" 0es I do." 1ot man. What else do you have hidden around here'" 3h, I don%t know. I forgot that was in my dishwasher. 0ou%ll $ust have to look around." 3h don%t worry, I am." She goes back to e:ploring and I finish our drinks, very strong martinis, what my friend /ames would call an anemic martini. 0ou%d like /ames, you%ll meet him in a future book, I think. So )orinne comes out after she gets the baby to sleep. &o you want a drink'" 3h, no." 1ungry' Menus are over there. We%ve got..AC hour sushi, any kind of sandwich, Indian, 2akistani, $ust look through them. I%ll get you whatever you want. Starchild' 0ou hungry'" 0es, what are you having'" I%m thinking about a cheesesteak." 0ou%re always thinking about a cheesesteak." &o you see anything, )orinne'" 7ot yet." )orinne," starchild says. Would you ever consider having a threesome with me and my boy here'" )orinne blushes. She has the 2akistani menu out and is surveying it. &id she hear me'" She%s blushing." I made you blush'" Starchild comes over. She puts an arm around )orinne%s waist. 0ou are blushing hard9" )orinne looks up at me and smiles, she shakes her head about starchild. So, would you'" I%m from Iowa," she says. We don%t do=" &on%t tell me people in Iowa don%t have threesomes. 3f course they do. 3f course they do9 #nyway we%re not in Iowa, we%re in 7ew 0ork, and people in 7ew 0ork definitely have threesomes. So. I%m asking you. Would you. 1ave a threesome. With me. #nd my boy here." )orinne blushes further, if you can believe it. Then she says4 !et me think about it." .air enough, fair enough." Starchild takes her hands of )orinne. I say, &id you pick out something to eat yet'" 0eah, this." She points. 3k. Starchild, pick out your dinner." #re you getting a cheesesteak'" 7o, I%m getting sushi." I%ll get sushi too. /ust pick it out for me, I like everything." 3k." So I pick it out while the girls go into the living room and are sitting and turning on the T, and I make the calls to our two separate restaurants for dinner then I take starchild her drink and it%s me in a chair with the two of them on the couch. I have a small dick," I say, to )orinne, after the first sip of my drink. So you%d hardly even feel it. I mean if you decided to.." 1is dick is very small," starchild pops in, drinking her martini. 0ou%d hardly feel it. So if you%re worried about tearing..I wouldn%t be." It%s a virgin-killer penis," I say, and starchild asks, Wait, are you a virgin'" )orinne gets bright red. This could be great. 1e%s got a virgin-killer penis and if you%re a virgin..this could be perfect. /ust think about it, ). 7o one%s trying to force you into a position right now. +ut if you were a virgin that could be great. I%m not asking, I%m not asking9 I mean if you feel like sharing, that%s ok. +ut no pressure, alright. 5verything with me and him is a no-pressure type situation. I could oversee him and make sure he didn%t hurt you, you know, like a supervisor, hypervisor type of thing. &o you remember those announcement cameras they have in the streets here' I remember that from the alley when we first met. #re they everywhere'" /ust some places. The more dangerous places. 3r the high-rent areas where they want to make sure nothing goes wrong." !ike this area that we%re in right now'" My street has them, yes." What are you guys talking about'" &idn%t you say you%d been to 7ew 0ork before' These probably came after you were here. They%re these announcer-camera things that keep an eye on the street. They tell you things when you%re doing something

83

wrong, like raping someone." They also tell you things when you%re doing something right." !ike love-fucking someone in an alley while you%re washing the shit off them." )orinne blushes each time we say shit." Starchild takes my hand, remembering the day we met. Is that part of the music or is that something happening in real life. I don%t know. Take out your earphones. Starchild, leave her alone. I don%t think she likes to talk about shit-fucking. #nd you don%t have to tell us whether or not you%re a virgin. It%s none of our business." I said that $ust to lull her into a false sense of security, to make it seem like I was a nice guy. 3f course I wanted to know, and of course I wanted her to be one, because we could slice and dice her pussy like we had done with 3live, e:cept using bigger instruments. +ut I played nice guy to get it. 0ou always want to come off casual, like, no I don%t give a shit whether you%re a virgin or not, )orinne, nor do I care whether you have a threesome with me and starchild, when in fact you really do. )orinne, are you comfortable staying here' +ecause I can put you up in a hotel but I thought it would be nice to have 3live around." 7o, I%m used to you two, I%d rather stay with you." #re you sure you don%t want a drink. 3live%s down. !ive your lief." I had succumbed to the inimitable spelling of Steve 6oggenbuck. It had drawn me with its power, its individuality, it%s magnetism of invention. !ife your life, I meant," clearing my throat. I had to at least maintain an illusion for myself that I wasn%t alt lit. 3k," she says. 0ou will'" +ut don%t make it too strong." Sip this," starchild says. Tell me if this is too strong." )orinne makes a yucky face. 0es." She coughs. It%s ok, I don%t need a drink." I%ll make you a weak drink," I say. 6um and )oke. 3k'" .ine. Mostly )oke." Mostly )oke. !ook. 0ou can watch while I make it." I trust you." +ut do you trust me enough to have a threesome with me' That%s the *uestion." &on%t bother her." I%m not bothering her. )orinne, am I bothering you'" 7o." 3k, good. 7ow here%s the )oke..and..here%s the rum. /ust a little bit. Taste that and see if it works for you. That ok'" )orinne nods. We both go back to our seats. Starchild says, #re you sure we can%t..tell her about that one thing'" What one thing'" The thing with..you know." I know what you mean. I don%t think we should talk about that." Talk about what'" )orinne says. 7othing, I shouldn%t have brought it up. It%s a surprise we%re planning." .or who'" I don%t know," starchild says. I forgot." )orinne rolls her eyes. She sips her drink. The T, is on, playing shots of snowboarders doing tricks. They%re on an artificial hill, somewhere in #spen. 0ou trust me with your baby, but you won%t tell me about a surprise you%re planning." #re you snapping at me' I don%t pay you to snap at me, as far as I remember. I don%t need your lip, )orinne, let%s be very clear about that. 7ow sip your drink and go to bed, if you%re not going to have a threesome with us." Is having a threesome with you part of the $ob'" 7o it isn%t. That%s optional. .or cool people." So I%m not cool now." )orinne," starchild warns. )orinne is *uiet. She looks at the floor and sips her drink. I think I%m done with this." /ust put it on the counter." She does, and walks out of the room. We hear the guest room door snap shut. Starchild looks at me. &o you believe that'" She%s $ust tired." I don%t pay her..to give me..her motherfuckin% lip." 8ive her a break, please, she%s in a strange place=" I%m in a strange place. &o you see me acting up' She needs to learn how to go with the flow." With

84

your flow." 0eah. 5:actly9 0ou made her a drink and she didn%t even drink it'' 0ou bought her dinner, what, does she e:pect to eat in her room'" &on%t get mad at her." 0ou better withhold her dinner=" I%m not gonna withhold her dinner. What good%s that gonna do. The food%ll $ust go bad. I%m gonna take her her dinner." To soften her up so she%ll do the threesome'" I think softening her up is the way to go, when it comes to the threesome, yes." 3h I%m sorry. 0ou%re right. &o you want me to go talk to her'" /ust take her her food when it comes. 0ou can make up softly." &o you think I should say anything to her'" 7o, $ust bring her her food. That%ll be enough." 0ou%re so good at dealing with people." If had longer to work at it." If it was me, I%d $ust..chop everybody%s heads off." I laugh. That works with some people." I think I%m tired too, baby. Will you take )orinne%s food to her and bring me sushi in bed'" I nod. Starchild takes her martini and goes to the bedroom. She closes the door. I sit and watch U-8amers and bottom out my martini. I think about what kind of tools we would need to dissect )orinne%s hymen, if we were going the tools route. 1ymen destruction is one of my speciali(ations GvirginkillerF. That starchild did it to 3live $ust tickled my own need for such e:ploration. #ll the different shapes, all the different positionings and consistencies. It would be like unwrapping a present, to get to see )orinne%s hymen. We could operate on it while she was unconscious, remove it delicately, prep her for fucking. I imagined starchild and I wearing face masks, peering between )orinne%s legs with bright lights. 3r maybe she would $ust let us fuck her. +reak through the classic way. The food arrived, )orinne%s food. I went and paid the guy, traded him for a bag, took it to )orinne%s room. -nocked. )orinne'" She answered the door in pa$amas. 0our food." Thank you9" She gave me a little kiss on the cheek, very old fashioned, and a bit encouraging. 1ow%s 3live'" Sleeping." Well..good night." 7ight." 0ou want a glass of water'" 0eah." I%ll bring you one." 3n the way I imagined her hymen, tried to figure it out from her face, but couldn%t decide if it was one of the translucent ones, or the stopper kind. We would like to peer at it, investigate it, sniff it. I%m devoted to hymen worship. -nock knock. 0our water." Thank you." 7o kiss this time. 8oodnight )orinne." 8oodnight." +ack to thinking about her hymen. It might be one of those spotty pegboard-looking ones. 3r it might have already been pierced or removed. Was )orinne a masturbator' I pegged her as a yes. )ould be there was nothing left for me and starchild to play with. Would we reach between her legs and find blood' 3r would she be ready to fuck' I waited for the rest of the food. 2oor )orinne. 1ere she was $ust growing up naturally, masturbating or not masturbating, this hymen or that hymen, and she happened upon two vultures like us. 2eople who would want to operate on her, drug her, put her out so we could play with her without her interruption. When the sushi came I was deep into it, deep into what we could do to )orinne in these imagined scenarios. I hardly heard the doorbell. When I took the sushi to my bedroom I didn%t even have the bag on the bed before I started in on starchild. We could drug her, and get a pair of pliers, and pierce her. 2ierce her. &o you see what I%m saying'" #re you sure you want to drug her'" 7o. 7ot sure. 7ot sure at all. That $ust came to mind. Maybe she would be willing, a willing participant in our e:periments. &o you want to operate on her, too'" 0es, with a

85

pencil." It depends on what type of hymen she has." What type do you think she has'" I narrowed it down. Maybe we shouldn%t drug her. )an you convince her'" To what' 1ave a threesome with us'" !et us operate on her." Sure9 #ll I have to do is buy her enough stuff, she%ll go through with it." 0ou wanna eat your sushi'" #ren%t you having some'" I will in a minute. I can%t eat right now." L)ause you%re too e:cited." I am e:cited. I%ve never done this with anyone else before. 0ou%re my partner. 0ou%re truly my partner. &o you feel that'" 0es, baby." She was chewing on a piece of .ire &ragon roll. I sat on the bed. I want to eat it." Mmm." I want to eat it. I want to get )orinne drunk, have her let us cut out her hymen with scissors, and I want to eat it." Starchild was smiling, with her mouth full. She swallows. I love it. I%ll help you. I%ll work on the )orinne angle. &o you want to eat 3live%s, too'" 3live%s is I think going to be too hard to get out without hurting her. 0ou know' She%s so small." I still want to break it more." #nd I%ll help you with that. I will. I know I was s*ueamish before but I%ve come around. 0ou%re her mother. 0ou can do whatever you want to her. I%ll help you if you%ll help me with )orinne." I want a piece of it too9 1ere, eat." I grab a piece of sushi, skip the wasabi and soy sauce and $ust much it. It%s a salmon roll. I bet )orinne%s pussy tastes like this9" I%m betting she%s more of a tuna girl." I got us tuna." I see. Try that ne:t and see if you think it might fit her." I munch it. 7o, I%m thinking more salmon." I%m thinking more tuna." Maybe we should leave her alone." 0ou can%t stop now9 0ou%ve got me into this9" I thought of the #manda -no: crime, and I was glad they let her go, even if she did it. Murderers deserve their life, too. I could see how what we were planning with )orinne could easily escalate into an #manda -no:-type situation. If we had an U-#cto knife to cut out her hymen and she started struggling, we might have to swipe her with the knife, and that might result in her killing Gthe killing of )orinneF. That wasn%t the intended result. Maybe it was better if we cut it out and fed it to her. +ut I really wanted to eat that girl%s hymen. Maybe she would even shitplay with us, but I doubted it. 1ow close could we get this family to be' Starchild." 0es'" #re we pie-in-the-sky-ing it' She%s not really gonna do this, is she'" She%ll do what I tell her," starchild says. 3r she won%t have a $ob." &amn. 3k. 0ou%re a tough motherfucker. I get off on willingness, though, I want her to really want to do whatever it is." I think you have to convince her by degrees," starchild says. )onvince her of the threesome. 5ven have the threesome to discover whether she has a hymen, $ust don%t fuck her in case she does. Then you convince her to have another one, and during that one you bring out the knife and say, L)orinne, we%re going to cut you now. !ie back and take it.% !ike that." 3k. I get what you%re saying. &o you think I should flirt with her'" 7o, let me work on her on the threesome. I%ll take her shopping tomorrow." That%s good I have a therapy appointment tomorrow." 0ou%re going to see your therapist'" 0eah. It%s been a while, I%m sure she%ll find that I%m all fucked up." &o you get a lot out of therapy'" I find it helpful." #re you gonna talk about me with your therapist'" I might." Well, don%t tell her too much, you%ll get yourself arrested." 0eah, I thought about that. I%ll be careful. Isn%t that funny'" What'" 5veryone knows about us but they don%t actually know, so everyone knows, but no one can actually do anything because you haven%t

86

told on me." 3n us." 3n me. It%s me who would get in trouble." +ut it%s us that are having se:. It%s unfair that only you would get in trouble." +ut you%re a minor." +ut I%m willing. 0ou%re not raping me. If you were this would be a different story." +ut the laws." 0eah, I know, they%re bullshit, you know that. )ome up by people with no imagination." )ome up with by people who haven%t thought things through." Whatever." Where are you taking her shopping'" )lose around here. We%ll probably walk." #re +runo and -evin coming in tomorrow'" That%s Tony and +rad, and yes, they%re coming in tomorrow." Wait for them to get here before you go out' I want you safe." I will. &on%t worry." &o you think Tony and +rad are enough'" .or this neighborhood..yes. I%ll keep a car close by if it%ll make you feel better." Why don%t you." 3k, I will. 0ou better eat some more of this sushi before it%s all gone." I%m eating. I%m $ust thinking." #bout what' )orinne%s hymen'" We%re probably getting too e:cited. She may have already ruined hers." &o you think women will like this book you%re writing'" Some of them will, a lot of them won%t. It%ll take time. 2eople are too sensitive about things right after they happen. My live readers like it@ some of them are women." 0eah, but your live readers are freaks." That%s my audience, you%re saying' .reaks'" I think the only music you listen to is of people screaming like they%re being tortured." 0ou mean 7ine Inch 7ails'" Whatever. !isten to some happy music some of the time." I listen to happy music." Talk to your therapist about it." &o you want the last piece of this'" 7o." I take it, the last piece of the .utomaki roll, try to fit it in my mouth all at once. Starchild whispers in my ear, throatily, /ust imagine that%s )orinne%s vagina and you%re eating her hymen right out of her. Scraping it with your teeth." /ust then I was thinking of a friend of mine who had died when she was young, who still had her hymen, though I never checked, it was checked by the doctors at the emergency room where she died, to make sure I hadn%t raped her. +ut I hadn%t, I was a good boy, and her parents talked to me about the fact that she was still a virgin and I said we were waiting until we were both ready and they were happy with that response. Then I was $ust sitting on a bed with starchild, eating my .utomaki roll, and thinking of starchild%s hymen, when it had been broken, long before she met me. I wished I had been there for it, wished I could have watched and participated. 0ou can say this book gives my therapist a lot to work with, but the fact is I%m psychoanaly(ing myself, motherfuckers. I do most of that work $ust me. Sure, I%m obsessed with virginity and hymen Gwe%ll say that hymen is its own pluralF but there are good reasons for that. My girlfriend died before we ever got to have se:. She was a virgin. That was my chance to be with a virgin. 7ow I%m too old to be hanging around with young women so the chances of me fucking a virgin are small. I think that%s something every young person deserves, is to be with someone when it%s Gboth of yourF first time. It%s $ust not an e:perience I ever got to have, and I%m sad about it. +ut I can get over it, it%s not the most important thing in the world to be with a virgin when you lose your virginity, it%s $ust so symmetrical and seeming wonderful. +ut it doesn%t consume every thought of every hour of every day or anything. It%s $ust one of the many things floating around in the universe that is my thoughts about se:. Which, until starchild, I didn%t really have anymore. I had stopped even masturbating. &on%t I deserve

87

to be with her, even though she%s nine years old' If two people connect Gand connection is rareF, shouldn%t that be enough to make it ok' I was going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow. Tonight I was going to try to forget all about )orinne and hymens and virginity and $ust finish the rest of this sushi with my girlfriend, who might be illegal but was the best thing I had going for me, even though you think our play was weird, it was ours, ok, and we liked to do it. We always scrubbed down after the shitplay, so what is it to you' &oes it affect your liberty' &oes it need to concern you' 7o' Well take a break from reading for a minute, will you, give me some privacy' I have a reticulated penis, is what it is. It%s reticulated. It is necessary for you to understand that the part of the story I%m about to tell you is absolutely true, not e:aggerated in any way, but the e:act truth which happened. I woke up with my reticulated dick, my reticulated penis, and it was reticulated. So I pulled it back from the base and I was naked again, my tip uncovered. It looks like a little turtleneck. !ike a reticulated turtle. When I woke up there were sushi cartons still in the bed and starchild was gone. I thought about $erking off but didn%t because of the medicine. I got up and put on real clothes, very real clothes, and I took a very real trip to the bathroom in my room. I saw a very real me facing back in the mirror. I became determined to find starchild. I lept out of the bathroom like a ballet dancer, leaping down the hall to the main room. 7o starchild. I lovingly looked under the couch to see if she was there. ,ery lovingly. Then I determined they must be in )orinne%s room so I leapt like a ga(elle in the direction of the supposed starchild. When I arrived at the door my smart-ass writing style disappeared and I became normal me. I knocked. Starchild answered. )ome in9 )ome in we%re waiting for you." She opens the door further. )orinne is standing on the far side of the room. My shower curtain has been taken off its rod and is lying across the bed. 3live is in the middle of the shower curtain, on her back. What," I say. Starchild says, )ome in, don%t stand in the hallway. 1ave you taken your morning shit'" I look at )orinne. 7o." Well," starchild says. We%re going to do an e:cursion." I step into the room. What%s the e:cursion'" )an you guess'" I don%t want to." Then I%ll tell you. 0ou%re going to shit in 3live%s mouth and )orinne is going to clean it up." I look at starchild. She says, 0es. 6eally. )orinne is on board. We $ust need you." Is 3live on board'" I say. &on%t be a smartass." Why'" +ecause it%s rude." 7o I mean why are we doing this'" Starchild says simply, +ecause it turns me on. To think about. I%ve been thinking about it a while and thinking about it turns me on. I want to do it to see what it does to me." 0ou mean like spontaneous orgasm or something'" Who knows." Starchild reaches down her pants, wiggling her finger around the vagina area. She pulls it out and shoves it in my face. !ick." I do. See how wet I am'" That%s from thinking about this..scenario'" Mmm-hmm." )an we have se: afterwards'" Mmm-hmm." With )orinne'" )orinne is going to be cleaning up the baby, right )orinne'" I look over at )orinne again. I%m trying to read her face. I told )orinne about our shit bath." What did you think of that )orinne." I mean, I%m not for it, but it doesn%t matter." Why doesn%t it matter'" +ecause," she says. I work for starchild. If you guys wanna do that then that%s your business." +ut it%s your business

88

too if you%re cleaning up after it." That%s my $ob. To take care of starchild%s baby. I%m doing my $ob." Well do you at least want some rubber gloves'" Two steps ahead of you, big guy." That was starchild. She comes around with an unopened pair she must have gotten from under my sink. Tosses them to )orinne. &id you tell her everything'" 7o, I only told her about the shitplay." &on%t you want to know everything'" 7ot really. I%d prefer to know as little as possible, if that%s possible." #re you ever going to have se: with us'" I haven%t decided. Maybe." .air enough. 3k, so=" Take your pants off." I do. I take my pants off then my underwear. )orinne looks at my dick. I wonder if she knows what a virgin-killer dick is. )an you shit now'" 7o, I have to eat something, that will trigger it." 8o get something. We%ll wait." 3live is lying there peacefully, looking up at the ceiling. She%s so tiny. I go to the kitchen and get a bran muffin that was wrapped up in the refrigerator. I munch it while going back to the bedroom. #re you ready'" /ust give me a second." Maybe if you s*uat over the baby it will help." I kind of.." What'" I kind of want to be completely naked when I do this." I take my shirt off, get up on the bed, being careful not to tilt it too much and knock 3live off. I get on all fours, but with my back facing the mattress and kind of spider walk over on top of 3live. )an you do it like that'" I don%t know." Maybe if you turn the other way, with your feet at that end." I see what you%re saying." 0eah." !ike that," )orinne says. What if I have bacteria in my shit that%s going to get into 3live." 0ep." Is that ok'" She%s gonna clean her up real *uick, right after I take the picture." I really don%t think photographing this is a good idea." Well. 0ou%re not in charge. It%s my phone, it%s my picture. &on%t worry about it. /ust do your part." I feel like you%re directing me, like in a movie." I am directing you, but for a still." )orinne, you%re ok with this'" I mean, it%s whatever." I mean are you going to go to the police'" 7o, I would never." Why, though, $ust Lcause you%re scared of losing your $ob'" I don%t know why. It $ust doesn%t seem like my business." 3k. &o you like my virgin-killer dick'" )orinne nods. )an you shit now'" I feel it moving." )orinne. Make sure 3live is set right." )orinne%s arms go below me, ad$usting. 3k, I think I%m gonna go now. &on%t get my face in the picture." The picture is of 3live only." 3k." I feel it coming to my spout. My asshole is tingling. I start to feel my dick get hard and I%m appalled that I%m turned on by starchild%s shit-on-the-baby setup. It%s partially being naked in front of )orinne. The shit wells up in my rectum and I can tell it%s gonna be diarrhea. 2robably from the wasabi I ate last night. I%m looking at my ceiling, and I think of 3live, and wonder if this will make her cry. I hate the sound of her crying. !et%s $ust get that part over with, she did cry when we did this to her. So I%m tightening my asshole to try to make $ust a little come out but the whole thing sprays out, covering 3livia%s face, coating her body, and sprinkling out beyond her on the shower curtain. # couple of chunks come out in the end, dropping right on 3live%s face, and )orinne comes in with the rubber gloves and nudges a piece of shit into the baby%s mouth. Starchild comes in with her phone and I%m crab-walking off of 3live to the side of the bed, rubbing my ass on the shower curtain. Starchild snaps a picture. )orinne has 3live in her arms and is rushing her to the shower, through the hallway, dripping shit on my hallway, and gets her into the water. Starchild makes me feel

89

her pussy again and it%s wet like a sponge. She puts her hands around my butt and feels up in my asshole, her fingers slick with shit. 1er mouth is all over my chest, licking my nipples. I%m un(ipping her pants and pushing them down and I throw her nine-year-old ass down on the shower curtain and ripping her panties off and sticking myself inside her, holding her head and fucking, fucking, $ust fucking. #fter that I went to see my therapist. 1ow have you been'" 8ood, I%ve been in !os #ngeles. Thanks for letting me cancel on you." I%m used to your trips." I do take trips from time to time, don%t I'" What took you to !os #ngeles'" I%ll be blunt. I met someone." # woman'" -ind of." -ind of what' She%s kind of a woman'" 0eah." Is she kind of a man, too'" 7o. I%m being specifically vague because I don%t want to incriminate myself, but yes, let%s $ust say she is a woman." We%re in dangerous territory, if you%re saying what I think you%re saying." 7o, I%m not. It%s not that. She%s a woman. She%s famous." 3h'" She%s a movie star. I don%t want to say her name because I don%t want to make it about that, about who she is. +ut I met her in 7ew 0ork and followed her to her house in !#. She had a baby. 0ou can probably deduce who it is by my telling you that, if you follow the tabloids." I don%t." Well, good. #nyway she%s famous and admittedly that is part of the draw for me." 0ou like that she%s famous." 0es." 7othing wrong with that." So she had a baby, and..we would hang out at her house in !os #ngeles and I%ve been writing=" 0ou%ve been writing'" 0es. I%m writing a book about..well..I%m writing a book. 0es. Writing." That%s great." It has been great, thank you. So I wrote in 7ew 0ork in this hotel we were staying at for a while, while we waited for the baby." 0ou stayed at a hotel with her'" 0es." Why didn%t you stay at your apartment'" I wasn%t ready to have her over at that point in the relationship. Things have changed now. She%s staying with me right now. She came back over here after her movie finished. We were $ust hanging out on the set of this movie, it was great." Sounds great." I did some cocaine." Some'" It wasn%t a problem this time. I think being around..this person..kind of tempers me." That%s great." She does. +ut she gets me into..some..activities..that I wouldn%t normally do." Se:ual activities'" 0es, and bi(arre activities. She%s been bi(arre from the moment I met her, we met in this alley, and..it was gross." 8ross'" It was also beautiful, though, she%s very beautiful." She must be if she%s a celebrity." She is. She%s a real celebrity, like you would have heard of her." If you were telling me her name." I can%t tell you her name." )an%t or won%t'" +oth. I guess." #re you in love'" In a way I am. I feel at home with her, because we%re both understanding some of the same types of things." !ike what'" !ike what it feels like to be accomplished in your field. #nd to a lesser degree what it%s like to be famous." +ecause you are, too." 0es. In a writer sort of way." 0ou don%t have to *ualify it. 0ou are. 0ou%re famous." I guess I am." 0ou are. #re there any problems in this relationship'" Well, the se: is great. We%re really compatible in that way. I%d say the only real problem is sometimes we%re not on the same page because there%s a bit of an age gap." Is she older or younger'" 0ounger." 1ow much younger'" ;uite a bit." #nd that%s a problem'" Sometimes it is. <sually it%s good. Sometimes I $ust feel how old and corny I am compared to her. She%s very worldly. I feel outclassed by her in terms of social-interaction-type stuff,

90

she%s way beyond me in her ability to deal with people." What does that do to you'" It makes me feel like I want to learn. She inspires me to be better." I think all this sounds e:cellent. Sounds like you have a little bit of a problem with the age gap but you seem very happy." I am. I feel..free." She helps you feel that way'" I nod. What about your lawsuit with !indsay !ohan' 1ow is that going'" It%s continuing. There%s no court date set. My girlfriend tried calling her, because they know each other, and she tried to get her to drop it, but it didn%t work. She wants to push this defamation of character angle." +ut it%s a work of fiction." I know. #nd it%s not even published yet. I wish she would $ust let me finish the book, I think she would like it." )ould this suit potentially be worth a lot of money'" The more widespread the book gets, the greater the value of the suit. So." Well I%ll be thinking of you with that. 8ood luck." Thanks. &o you think it%s wrong to shit on a baby'" I don%t understand." 7evermind. It%s been good seeing you. I think I%d like to stop now if that%s ok with you." .ine." See you." Would you like to schedule now or=" I%ll call. 7ot sure what I%m going to be doing." 3k, I%ll look forward to your call." I wanted to get home as *uickly as possible to see what starchild and )orinne were doing with the baby. I wanted to see if they had decided to cradle their vulvas in the tiny baby mouth and piss in her, choking her so she can%t breathe. 3r if starchild was teaching )orinne how to drink baby piss, cradling the baby%s vulva in your mouth and taking the stream. Mostly I worried that starchild had begun to operate on )orinne%s hymen without me, that she was seducing her. When I got home they were gone. I te:ted starchild. She wrote back4 shopping." So I surfed the internet and found some hard porn. My favorite is chicks masturbating. I found one with a clear dildo where you could see inside her body through the inside of the dildo, and she was making these noises that got me off right away. #s soon as I came, I was done with the internet, decided to leave the porn up on my screen to delight starchild. 7ot hide what I had been doing. I had an itch on my hand and I scratched it. #ll these little white bumps popped up in place of the itch. I thought I was getting older, and my body couldn%t handle being scratched anymore. 3nce I scratched the top of my one foot with the heel of the other and it scraped off the skin. !ike my skin is getting thinner, something of that nature. Masturbating was dicey, too. I could hurt myself if I masturbated too long. I remember that from when I first started masturbating, I would do it so often that I would in$ure myself. It%s like that now, because the skin%s so sensitive, one time and I can hurt myself. Sometimes we tear starchild a little when we fuck. Then we have to stop for a few days so she can heal before fucking again. It turns me on to tear her, it%s se:y to me. Is that violent' #re my impulses impure' I check the bathroom. 5verything%s clean, the shower curtain is back on the rod. )heck )orinne%s bedroom. 2ristine. 7o sign at all that someone shat on a baby. I%m not going to go into a bunch of )rime and 2unishment bullshit on how I feel about shitting on 3live. To tell you the truth I didn%t really think about it that much. I $ust did my part4 spraying stink-smelling diarrhea all over 3live%s face, filling her with my feces, getting in her eyes, running down her throat, getting all over her body, running between her legs. I liked the smell of my shit when I did it. It smelled of sushi, and I was happy. I bet starchild didn%t help a bit when

91

)orinne was cleaning up. She waited for )orinne to clean the baby, then watched while )orinne rinsed off the shower curtain and cleaned the basin of the tub. Then took her shopping. 1a9 )orinne and starchild hitting up some south Manhattan clothing stores, carrying the baby we $ust shat on. I wonder who they%re shopping for, )orinne or starchild. I suppose I%ll hear all about it when they get home. I almost decided to look up shit porn, which I had never done before, but was sure it must be out there, but I didn%t want to see that. I would settle for making starchild%s picture the background on my phone. Should I get starchild some dildos' 7o, let her buy her own, if she wants some, she%ll get them. 2robably take )orinne and the baby with her. I should make dinner plans. 2ick a nice restaurant, the three of us can go out, or it might be the si: of us by tonight, if !ancPme and the boys are coming along. I lie down with the intention of taking a short nap and wake when starchild is setting down bags on the bed and crawling into it, crawling on top of me. 1i baby." 1i." 0ou have to come with us ne:t time, I spent too much money." 1ow much did you spend'" #bout eighteen thousand." 3n what'" &resses. Shoes. /ewelry. 7ot nice $ewelry, but. 0ou wanna see what we got'" 1i )orinne." She%s standing in the doorway with 3live. 1i." 1ow%s 3live doing' Is she ok'" She%s fine." Was she hard to clean'" 0our shower head made it easy." 0eah. 8ood. What was it like seeing shit come out of my asshole'" ,ery entertaining." 8ood )orinne I%m glad we%re not disturbing you." 7ot at all." She says it chipper. We%ll be in the living room." Starchild stands, and she proceeds to show me every dress she bought, changing in front of me, parading across the room and up onto the bed, giving me a little show. I watch her, and it%s as if the sound has been turned off, and I%m in a calm little world where all there is is shopping and spoils of shopping, e:perimenting with shit and se:, going out to dinner, and occasionally doing our work that keeps this all going. )ome here." Why'" +ecause I want to hug you." She climbs on top of me and lies there, smiling. I hug her, s*uee(ing her ass, and hug her tight, and her hands are on my face and she kisses me, dipping her tongue into my mouth, a trail of spit hanging from her mouth onto mine. )orinne didn%t call )2S." If you show her the hymen-splitting trick I bet she will." I wouldn%t count on it. )orinne%s a $aded girl. She%s told me some stories of her growing up. I think !ancPme picked a good nanny." &oes !ancPme know about any of this'" 7ot unless you told her." +aby, I think I love you," I say. I love you too." !et%s be together." We are together." I mean, like, let%s keep being together." 7o promises," she says. #lright, well I better fuck you right now in case you leave me tonight. 1ow does going out to dinner sound'" Sounds good." We fucked *uick, $ust a *uick orgasm for her and then one for me. We left the door open and I%m sure )orinne could hear it in the living room. 3rgasms were a commodity now, I could break through the medicine $ust like I could break through with some hard porn, cumming all the time. I didn%t mind being on medication anymore. I needed to see my psychiatrist, I was running out of refills and I wanted him to give me something for sleep. 7eed to make an appointment. Where are you going to take me'" .or dinner' I was thinking this little place I know around here. It%s like southern food, !ouisiana. Is that ok'" #nything%s ok, I was $ust curious." 0eah, let%s go there. )an you get us some coke'" 0eah, baby, I%m sorry,

92

I should have thought of that." I haven%t done any since !#." I know, that%s been a long time9 I%ll get us some." Thanks." !ancPme is here. #nd +rad and Tony." Where are they'" I sent them back to their hotel. They met us shopping." &id you have any trouble while you were out'" 7o, I signed some autographs." That was nice of you." I like doing it, if there%s like five people." 1ow many did you sign'" #bout that many, then we cut them off. &o you have a gym here'" 0eah." &o me a favor and give !ancPme the name of it so she can get me a membership. &o you wanna do butt stuff again before dinner' I have )orinne saving diapers from 3live." 0eah," from the other room, I have two good ones." What%s she doing'" Saving 3live%s dumps." Why'" So we can play with them." )orinne says, Some of them are pretty gross." 1ow are we going to play with them'" I don%t know. 5at them' 6ub them all over our bodies' We%re $ust saving them for whatever." 1ow about we duct tape them inside our mouths so when we throw up it goes nowhere and we keep throwing up our own throw up and shit'" 5:actly." 1ow about we mail them to art dealers instead of slides as an art pro$ect." 5:actly." 1ow about we leave them on the subway in empty seats'" 7o, people do that all the time. Think bigger." 1ow about we make a movie about them'" 0es9" 3r send them to our moms." 0es9" I could use one as massage oil and give you a massage in it." 0ou want to do that one' 6ight now'" What if we put them in the blender with grapefruit $uice and see if we can make them drinkable' 3r you rub it all over my dick and we have 3live give the tip of my dick head." 0es9 !et%s do it9" What if we get a funnel or some kind of pump and give each other shit enemas with 3live%s shit and then shit out her shit." That sounds good. )orinne, can we give you a shit enema'" 7o thank you9" I wanna do the shit enema one." &oes this make you have to shit $ust talking about it'" 0es." )ause it%s making my readers have to shit $ust by reading it. They can feel movement in the bowels. +y the way, can you call !indsay !ohan again and ask her to drop this suit' I%m scared I%m going to lose everything." I%ll call her right now. )orinne9 Where%s my phone'" )orinne comes in, rocking the baby, and hands starchild her phone. !indsay' It%s about this suit you%re bringing against my boyfriend. I want you to drop it. 3r at least come by and talk to us about it. 0eah' Well that%s no good. 7o. +ecause it%s ridiculous. 0ou can%t sue a writer for saying what they want to say in a novel, otherwise you couldn%t have novels, an entire art form would be decimated." Starchild turns to me. &id I use that word right'" I nod and make the perfect" sign with my hand. Well what do you say to my invitation to come talk it out in person' Without your lawyer. We won%t bring a lawyer either. /ust hash out the ins and the outs, you know, the what-have-yous. That%s no good, I%m in 7ew 0ork. 7ot planning on leaving. .ly to us9 I%ll go out clubbing with you, c%mon, it%ll be fun. 2lus, have you ever eaten the shit of a infant baby girl'" I shake my head at starchild. 7othing. I%m $ust saying. )ome to 7ew 0ork. Meet with us. We%ll feed you e:crement in a smoothie. 5:crement in a smoothie. 0eah, like /amba /uice. +ut with crap floating around in it. 7o, I%m not kidding. It%s the latest thing. 2erfectly healthy. 7othing to worry about. 2eople in !# will start doing it soon. It already hit in Tokyo, 7ew 0ork has it now, and !# will follow, then the rest of the country9 0es9 &on%t be scared, it%s fine, I%ll do one

93

with you. )ome to 7ew 0ork. 0ou will' 8ood. Thank you !indsay. 3k, I%ll see you." Starchild tosses the phone. She%s coming." Without her lawyer'" Without her lawyer. I%ll take her out, show her a good time, then you two can talk about business. She%s a reasonable person, you can work this out with her." When%s she coming'" I don%t know. Soon. I%ll tell you more when I know more. &o you have the e*uipment for a shit enema'" 7o." Where can we get it'" 1ome &epot." Then let%s go to 1ome &epot. &o you know what we need' I%ll send !ancPme." I%ll look it up online and give her a list." 8ood. 8et going. I really want to do this before dinner. I think we should heat the shit before we put it inside ourselves. 7ot hot, but, like, warm." We%ll microwave it. Is !ancPme going to be present for this'" &o you want her to be'" Well, I think we could use an e:tra set of hands." I%ll talk to her. I%ll break her in gently, don%t worry, and I won%t tell her anything she doesn%t need to know. 0ou can trust them. I have confidentiality agreements with everyone." 3k, I%m gonna go look that shit up." I%ll be here masturbating." 3h, no, I don%t want to miss that." +ring your laptop." 0es, ma%am." +ut )orinne already had it in hand and she came into the bedroom and handed it to me, 3live in her other arm. Thank you." )orinne nods. She leaves, and starchild is fingering herself, smacking her hand up against her pussy. Then she stops and pinches her nipples, then goes back downstairs. I saw a glacier cover her, or she was moving like a glacier or something, everything was in slow motion, and I saw her growing up, becoming a teenager, becoming a woman. I saw the shape of her body change, and how her face would look in twenty years. I wasn%t turned off by it, I wanted to be around for it, to see her change through all those stages. # female common earwig crawled inside her ear and nested there for the ne:t five minutes. I saw earwigs crawling out of her pussy and up her stomach and into her mouth. It made me want to cut her abdomen, to give the earwigs a nicer place to nest, and I asked )orinne for a knife and she brought me one, and I placed it on starchild%s chest, between her tits. I thought about cutting starchild, like we had done in !#, but her arm was almost healing. I couldn%t help but think of anal bleaching, and how we both needed to get it done. I te:ted !ancPme and told her to find us a clinic. She te:ted right back with one in my neighborhood. Then a second te:t4 C-K sessions." I te:ted !ancPme about getting starchild a gym membership. The earwigs all crawled inside starchild%s mouth and she closed it. 5ven the one from her ear crawled in. She was fingerbanging hard. They called her fingerbanger and she was the ultimate in fingerbanging technology, a mad inde: finger was enough to do it. She would make herself cum that way in the shower, I%d come in and she%d be bent forward panting, speed-fucking herself with that inde: finger, holding her nipple with the other. It%s work to make yourself cum, especially on medicine. 0ou have to employ speed-fucking and other techni*ues. Starchild employed a variety of techni*ues to make herself cum, I may have mentioned some of them' When I saw her fingerfucking herself with that one finger I remembered how small her pussy was Gshe was $ust a childF and I was gladder than ever to have a virgin-killer dick, because otherwise we might not have been able to fuck at her age. We could measure her pussy with calipers if she was split in two, then compare that measurement to the measurement of my dick, then assign

94

nap-time partners. Is statutory rape a federal law' Starchild is cumming. She came sideways, spewing out of her vagina a mi:ture of carp, rusted tin, and vitamin & milk. This is the mi:ture I need to consume. I sucked my mouth up to her legs where it had sprayed out and suck the mi:ture into my stomach. She blurts out some more cum and I catch it with my mouth suctioned up to her vulva, lips locked around the edges, gulping down what she has to offer. I looked up and she had the knife in her hands, its tip pointed at my head, gripping with both hands. I smile at her. She smiles back. We start laughing, like, were you really going to kill me' I%m wanting to take my clothes off. Is that all arranged'" What'" &id you give !ancPme the ingredients for our shit enemas'" 0eah, she%s got links from 1ome &epot%s website." What%s her 5T#'" I don%t know." Well ask her9" I te:t !ancPme. She says her 5T# is C> minutes. When she gets here she has funnels and rubber piping, like I asked. I%m assembling them with duct tape. &o you have the diapers heated' )orinne9 1eat the diapers9" We mi: heated 3live shit with hot water and plug the rubber tubes into starchild%s and my asses. )an you loosen up a bit more'" !ancPme is asking me. 1ere, let me try." I rela: all my ass muscles, with my butt stuck in the air. We%re doing this in the living room. I%m on the couch. Starchild is in my chair, her ass up too. !ancPme gets the rubber tube securely in my ass and hands )orinne my funnel. +rad and Tony are outside. I%m hoping one of them doesn%t $ust pop in with a *uestion for starchild. !ancPme gets starchild%s tube in. She sets the funnel down and goes and gets the shit mi:tures. She hands one to )orinne, keeps one herself, and goes to starchild. 6eady'" Starchild and I look at each other. She says, 8o." )orinne and !ancPme simultaneously pour their shit mi:tures into starchild%s and my funnels. I can see the shit running down her tube, getting to her anus. Mine hits, and I feel hot 3live shit running into me, filling me. I see the bulk of it go through starchild%s tube and into her ass. We make eye contact. I feel violated, as if I%ve been ass-fucked by a little baby%s hot shit and now I%m carrying it inside me. !ancPme removes my tube. )orinne removes starchild%s. I make sure my butthole is clenched together and stand. Starchild does the same. !ancPme and )orinne are walking the apparatuses to the sink, holding the tube up so nothing drips. Starchild and I grab each other%s hands and are dancing, flowing into each other and away from each other. I grab her face. We kiss. I put my hands up around her butthole and she%s swapping me away. Stop9" She%s laughing. 0ou%ll make me spew9 1ow would you like it'" #nd she pokes her finger up around my buthole but I%ve got my cheeks clenched too tight. )orinne and !ancPme are rinsing out the funnels, placing them in my dishwasher, and talking, I can%t hear about what. 2robably the weather, what they%re having for dinner tonight, something unimportant. 7ow shit this out with me." Starchild takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom. She pushes me into place on the toilet, then she sits in my lap. 0ou%re gonna shit on my penis9" 1old it up9" I spread my legs e:tra wide and starchild says, 3n three. 3ne. Two. Three." We both let loose, spraying the bowl with 3live%s shit, starchild getting some on my legs, and it feel it splashing back up onto my backside. I need a shower." I do too. &on%t flush yet. I want to look at it." We stand, looking over the bowl, our arms wrapped around each other. I liked how hot it was." I

95

did, too. I almost want to put that up inside my pussy but I know that wouldn%t be good for me." We should do each other%s shit." 3k, when the tubes dry. !et%s take that shower." We leave the door open and can hear )orinne and !ancPme talking in the living room. 3f course we make love in the shower. +ut you%re so used to that by now I don%t have to tell you. I stimulated starchild%s clit reaching around with my fingers and fucked her in the pussy from behind. I thought about murdering her with a knife but decided not to. We should bathe in 3live%s shit. )ollect a whole bunch of it and use the funnels over our heads in here." 3k. I%ll do that with you." 0ou will'" 0es, baby." I love you." I love you too." Shit enemas were a good idea. Who came up with that'" I don%t remember." 7either do I. We were made for each other, don%t you think that'" Is that what it is' Maybe. I think we know how to have fun together." That%s what I mean. &id you look up that coke for me'" I%m still working on it. My guy is going to come over in a while." &o you want me to have !ancPme and the boys go away' #nd )orinne'" 0es. If )orinne could $ust stay in the back room that would be ok." I%ll have them leave. 1ow soon is he coming over'" Soon." Starchild pulls away from me and my dick comes out. Without drying, she walks into the living room and tells !ancPme to take a walk with the boys. #nd )orinne, I need you in the back room with 3live. I%ll tell you when you can come out." Starchild comes back to me. What%s it like, $ust telling people what to do and they do it'" It%s perfect," she says. 0ou should get an assistant." What would I have them do'" 8et your food, do your shopping=" I already have someone do my shopping." That%s smart, baby, you shouldn%t be spending your time on little things. 0ou have to look at the overall, the big picture." .or a second it strikes me that it%s a nine year old telling me this, and that she%s right. Source out all your chores. 0ou need to be writing, twenty-four seven." I can only write a couple hours a day, then I wear out." 0ou need to spend the rest of that time recharging then, but it%s still for your writing. See'" 0eah, I see what you%re saying." 0ou need to make yourself into a machine." Sometimes I think about stabbing you in the neck," I say. Starchild says, I imagine us getting murdered together, by the same killer. Someone breaks into the house and shoots us, and we%re running around bleeding all over everything until they finally shoot us dead." I worry about getting shot at the grocery store or in public places," I tell her. #ww, baby, is that why you have someone buy your groceries'" I nod. Starchild kneels down and sucks my dick. I don%t want you to worry about anything," she says, from around my cock. I want you to feel totally peaceful." I can barely understand what she%s saying. She speeds up and I cum in her mouth, her hands massaging my balls. She comes up to me and we kiss. I can still taste the cum in her mouth, and I%m glad it%s in there, coating her teeth and cheeks. If I%m having trouble cumming with her I $ust look at her and tell myself, She%s nine years old." That does it@ I cum every time. We%re drying off when the doorbell rings. I run to the door in my towel. It%s !ance. )ome in. 1ow are you buddy'" 0ou showered for me9" My girlfriend%s here, too, ok'" If she%s your girlfriend I know I can trust her." #nd her baby and the nanny are in the back but they won%t come out." 8et dressed, man9 I%ll chill here." I go back to the bathroom4 empty. Starchild is in the bedroom dressing. She%s

96

almost done. 0ou want me to make him a drink'" 0eah, if you want to. 1is name is !ance. I%m%onna get dressed." 3k, baby. Take your time." Starchild goes out and I can hear them talking. 0ou look like. 1oly shit, this is your girlfriend9' 1i, I%m !ance." Starchild." 0ou surprise a motherfucker with that shit." )an I make you a drink'" Sure, sistah, what you got'" I%m gonna make you something I call a /ohn &oe." Sounds great. Is this blow for you, Lcause tell you the truth, my man doesn%t do a lot of blow these days." It%s for me." 1ow much you want, girl'" 1ow much you got'" I got a lot. +ring me that drink first then we%ll discuss." I%m dressed and walking up the hall. !ance is on the couch. I step over the chair and sit in it. 0our girlfriend is starchild''" I nod. Will you make me one too, baby'" I%m making three." What%s in a /ohn &oe anyway'" 5*ual parts cranberry $uice and one-hundred proof cinnamon schnapps, .irewater." Why do they call it a /ohn &oe'" +ecause it%ll make you forget your name." This is not what I e:pected to see when I came in here. 1ow did you two meet'" We met here, in 7ew 0ork, on the street." I shat and he cleaned me up." #re you into shitplay'" I drop casually. Is that where you..play with your shit'" 5:actly." )an%t say I am. +ut I%m open to trying new things." That%s the spirit9" starchild says. So how have you been, man'" I%ve been good. I%ve been in !#. Well I%ve been in St. Martin. +ut before that I was in !#. I%ve $ust been following that one around." 7ow I%m following him around." We%re following each other around." Well, congratulations. What I know of you, and what I%ve heard about her, it makes sense, man, it makes sense." What about you' What%s been going on'" Well, I%m working on my music. 2layed a couple of shows out. This band is impossible to get together, impossible. 5verybody has their own idea about the direction of the band and I%m like, L8entlemen, let%s streamline this motherfucker.% 0ou know what I%m saying'" 0eah, I hear you. That sounds rough." Well it%s rough and it%s not rough, I mean, it%s $ust a band. +ut everything else is going well..I%m $ust..doing what I do, you know." 8ood, good." 1ere%s your drinks." Starchild hands one to me and then to !ance. She sits on the arm of my chair and drinks hers. !ance sits back and sips his drink. Thank you starchild. #nd it%s nice meeting you9" It%s nice meeting you too, !ance." I sip my drink. It%s e:cellent. I had never thought to combine those elements that way. #nd the name seems to fit the taste of the drink. It%s a /ohn &oe. I sip more. !ance sets his drink on the table. 1e pats his pockets. 0ou wanna do this'" 0eah." I tell starchild, )an you get the mirror that%s on my dresser'" She goes and gets it, places it in the middle of my living room table. !ance pulls out a bunch of little baggies of coke, evenly distributed. Starchild starts counting some of them off to the side. She pulls one, two, three, four baggies. 1ow much is this'" .or you' That%s four hundred." We better get four more, then," she says. Then she says, !ance, we better $ust take all you brought with you." !ance keeps pulling out baggies, and in the end, starchild buys over two thousand dollars worth of coke. &on%t get caught with that." We won%t. That%s staying right here in this house. We%ll only take little bits to go." 8ood, sister, be safe." #nd starchild is counting out bills into !ance%s hand. &o you want me to get some of that'" I ask. 7o, this is my treat. !ance, you wanna do some of this with us before you leave'" 0eah, honey, I%ll give you some out of

97

my stash, since you bought all that." So we do lines of coke with !ance, and !ance and starchild make smalltalk, he asks her if she has any movies coming out, and she tells him about the one she $ust finished filming and he say it%s ama(ing meeting you face to face and he asks her if she likes being my girlfriend and starchild says yes very much and I want to be like, +ro, I was $ust fucking her in the shower before you got here bro." +ut instead I say nothing and $ust let the two of them carry the conversation. Starchild is nice, she asks hi *uestions back, like she really cares about my drug dealer friend !ance. 1e wants an autograph, but doesn%t have a book, so starchild picks out one of my books Ga copy of one I wroteF and she signs that and gives it to !ance. Then !ance is leaving and we each hug him and tell him to be well. 1e was nice." 0ou were nice to him." 3f course I was nice to him, he%s your friend." I%ve known !ance for a long time." 0ou trust him'" 0es." Then I trust him too. !et%s get ready for dinner." She has her phone out. !ancPme'" She nods. 1ey, it%s me. We%re meeting for dinner at seven. 0ou%re gonna get a te:t with the address. Make sure )orinne has enough stuff for the baby. 0ou can come back to the apartment now, we%re going out for drinks before and we%ll meet you at the place. 3k'" She hangs up. Where can I keep all this coke'" I show her this $ar on the bookshelf that I keep old bras in. 2anties of girls who have stayed over. Starchild raises her eyebrow. 0ou can keep it in here. &o you mind' #m I offending you by asking you to touch old panties of friends of mine'" 7o, I like it. I was thinking, I know what to do with these when you%re not looking." 8ood, I%m glad you%re taking it that way." I help her dump all the coke bags into my $ar. It%s opa*ue, red, and has a top you pull off or push on. <nless someone goes snooping around on my bookshelf they%re not going to find it. )an we go to drinks before dinner'" 3f course we can. #s soon as you%re dressed." 8et dressed, too." I was ready first and I waited patiently watching her, helped her (ip up the dress she picked out and we both got our phones and cash together and I got my chapstick which I do not leave the house without, under no circumstance, ever. We had drinks at a place called S-I7+#6. 0ou wanna stick with the same'" I suppose so." We%ll have two /ohn &oes," starchild said, and in a minute they brought us our drinks. They served her without asking, and she te:ted Tony and +rad the location of S-I7+#6. #fter a while they were standing outside, and they would periodically check on starchild by stepping into the bar and getting sight of her. We drank and talked. I wanna do something really cra(y with 3live." What'" I wanna cut her little hymen out with a pair of clippers." 0ou%re going to need something really small, like an U#cto knife or a ra(orblade, and a pair of tiny pliers to hold her while you cut." I was thinking fingernail clippers'" Maybe. The hard part I think is going to be finding a small enough pair of pliers. &uh. <se twee(ers." So twee(ers and an U-#cto knife." I think that would do it. 0ou should check with )orinne and see if we can do the same to her." If she has a hymen." Well, that%s what I%m saying. Someone should check with her. Then we can eat them both, I want to eat 3live%s little hymen first as an appeti(er then )orinne%s as a main dish." What for dessert'" # tiny cupcake. I%m kidding." We could make )orinne s*uirt and drink her cum for dessert." Is )orinne the s*uirting kind'" Starchild shrugs. I don%t know either," I say. This is kind of a hard pro$ect." &o you feel

98

discouraged'" It%s a little daunting, yes. &id you bring the stool samplers with you'" Tonight' 7o, baby, did you want them' I%ll send !ancPme." 7o, no, I $ust thought if any of us had to shit at dinner we could collect a little and use it as a garnishment. #nd baby, I don%t know if the place we%re going is going to have cinnamon schnapps. It%s not the fullest bar." &on%t worry, I%ll have !ancPme get us some." 3h. To bring to the restaurant'" 0eah, we%ll stock them." I never would have thought of that." 0ou have to think smarter, that%s what I%m telling you. I bring my own seranno peppers to restaurants that I know don%t have them, $ust leave the e:tra with the kitchen, they love it. Same with drinks. If they don%t have it, $ust bring it yourself." 0ou%re smart. I like you. !et%s fuck." 0ou want to fuck in the bathroom, baby'" Why' )ould we'" 0eah, $ust stick it in me once, to say we did it. )ome on." She grabs my hand and leads me away from the bar. When we come back, we order new drinks, $ust in case someone poisoned the last ones. 2eople are recogni(ing her in this place, but they%re being cool, not saying anything, but you can see it on their face, and you can see people nodding and pointing our direction. 5verything is in slow motion again, and it%s $ust me and starchild, and we%re protected. In this space, no one can hurt us, no one wants to, and if they do..+rad and Tony. My neighborhood is behaving for her, making her welcome, not fawning over her unnecessarily. 5ven walking over here, we turned some heads, but no one followed us or stopped to talk. We walk to dinner with Tony and +rad right behind us. It%s only about five short blocks from S-I7+#6 to the place we%re eating, and it%s still light when we get there. Tony and +rad stay outside. )orinne and !ancPme already have our table, and when we go inside the hostess has a server lead us there. !ancPme. .ind out if they have .irewater or #fter Shock here. If they don%t, get us a bottle' We want to make /ohn &oes." !ancPme says, 8ot it," and she gets up from the table and goes to the bar. 1ow%s 3live'" She%s sleeping." 1ow can she sleep with all this noise'" I don%t know, she%s tired, I guess." 1as she been good for you'" # couple of crying spells, but other than that, she%s been asleep9 1ow have you two been'" 8ood, we%ve been hanging out with one of his friends. /ust at the place." !ancPme said you were getting drinks before this'" We went to S-I7+#6. 1ad /ohn &oes. It was a nice vibe, wasn%t it'" 0eah." 3ur server comes and welcomes starchild and I. She asks what we%d like to drink. Water, and, we%re going to have a special drink from the bar but our friend is checking to see if they have the ingredients." She%s checking with them now'" 0es, she has that under control so let%s $ust get our waters for now." 3k, I%ll be right out with those." )orinne, is there anything special you want to do in 7ew 0ork'" /ust sightsee. I%m ok with whatever you%re doing, I%ll $ust tag along." Well if you think of anything, let me know, we%ll do it, ok, you don%t $ust have to tag along." I look at starchild to see if she minds me telling this to her employee. She doesn%t even look up from her menu. &o you already know what you want'" she says. 0eah." 7o fair. What%s good'" The lamb is good. The crawfish etoufee. 5verything%s good, baby." I might $ust have a burger." Suit yourself." #t least they don%t have too many things on the menu, I hate that. 1ow did you get into southern food'" My family%s from the south." Where did you grow up'" 7ew 3rleans." I bet this doesn%t compare to what you%d get down

99

there. We should go to 7ew 3rleans ne:t." 3k." 0ou will'" Sure. Why not'" I don%t want to interfere with your writing." 0ou%re really not. I%m writing down everything you%re saying." 6ight now'" I show her under the table where I%m typing. 0ou can type that fast, that you can type whatever I say'" I nod, tapping at the keys. 8ot it. Saved. See' This book is coming along fine, starchild, you%re not getting in the way at all. &o you mind if I name it after you'" 0ou%re $ust gonna call it LStarchild'%" Thinking about it." I like it." 0ou%re not going to sue me'" Why would I do that'" Some people do." We%ll get !indsay up here to talk, I%ll te:t her right now. 3rder for me, will you'" When our server comes back I order for starchild and I, and )orinne orders for herself. !ancPme comes back to tell us she%s going out to get .irewater and tells us what she wants to eat so we can order it when she%s on her way back. We sip our waters and look around. This is a nice restaurant. Thank you for taking me here." I put my hand on starchild%s leg. It%s skinny, and is one of those periodic reminders of her age. I s*uee(e anyway. I could show you around in 7ew 3rleans." 7o, because now we%ve been to two of your places and only one of mine. If we go to 7ew 3rleans that would be three of your places to only one of mine." 7ew 0ork is yours, too." 7ot really. I mean I come here to play but I%ve never really thought of it as my home." 0ou have an apartment here." So'" Well we%ll go to one of yours then, where are you thinking'" It would have to be somewhere in 5urope. 1ave you been'" I%ve been to !ondon." 2aris then, you%ve never been to 2aris'" 7o. &o you have an apartment there'" I have two." I think about asking her how many apartments she has, total, but decide against it because it would make me seem like a fan. )orinne," starchild says. We%re thinking of kind of a fun activity that we might all do and we%re wondering about your willingness to participate." )orinne takes her mouth from around the straw. What is it'" It%s a game, a se: game=" 0ou wanna have a threesome with me." 7ot e:actly. I mean we do, but that%s not the whole game." What is the whole game'" Well, first it involves asking you a *uestion, which is basically, are you a virgin' #nd secondarily.." /ust say it." ..if your hymen is intact." 0ou wanna know if my hymen is intact'" Starchild doesn%t say anything so I answer, 0es." Why do you want to know that." It%s nothing sinister," I say. 1ave you ever heard of the two 8erman gentlemen, one cuts off the other%s dick and they both eat it'" 7o, is that real'" 0es, it%s real." #nd you wanna do that to me'" I know it sounds weird and you probably weren%t e:pecting us to ask you anything like this, but it%s a real offer and if you decline, I promise you, nothing will be weird among the three of us. This is a no pressure type situation. It%s $ust. Sometimes you get bored of the usual things and you want to mi: things up, you know, throw in a little e:tra of this and that, and I hope you%re not offended by this=" 0es," she says. I%m thinking we have her locked in for our game but decided to clarify. 0es what'" 0es my hymen is intact." )orinne sips her water, making only the briefest eye contact with me, then looking away. Well that%s great9 Maybe you%ll be willing, then, to play a little game with me and starchild." Whatever it is," she says, $ust don%t tell !ancPme." Starchild pipes in4 We might need !ancPme%s help for it so we might have to tell her, but if I can possibly get away with not telling her, I won%t tell her." I%m scared, you

100

guys, what is it'" We want to cut out your hymen and eat it," starchild says. Would that be ok with you'" &o I have to eat it too'" 3nly if you want to." +ecause I don%t want to." 3k. That%s fine. 0ou don%t have to. We%ll split it. If you agree, of course. 0ou don%t have to answer tonight=" I%ll do it." 0ou will'" I%m not using it for anything else." 3k. 8reat. There%s a second part=" &on%t tell her the second part," starchild says. She%s heard enough for now. We%ll tell you the rest later." What%s the rest'" Starchild looks at me. Should we tell her now'" she whispers. I say, )orinne, we%re planning on doing the same thing to 3live. #ppeti(er and main course." )orinne looks at 3live, her hand goes out to her. )orinne looks back at me. /ust be gentle," she says, and a tear rolls out of her eye. Starchild leans over and hugs )orinne, this tiny nine-year-old comforting her, and )orinne lays her head down on top of starchild%s. )orinne is really crying now, and she asks starchild if she can go. Starchild nods, and )orinne goes to the bathroom. Starchild slides into )orinne%s chair and brushes the baby%s face, bends down and kisses her. She stays there until )orinne comes back. #re you ok'" )orinne says, 0es. The idea of it is $ust a little hard to accept." I know. It%s not what you would normally think to do." It%s not." I know. +ut no one%s going to be hurt and we%re going to have a good time. 2romise. 3k'" Starchild rubs )orinne%s back. )orinne wipes her eyes with scrunched-up sleeves, and e:hales. 0ou ok'" 0es," she says, and she looks at me and smiles. 1er eyes are e:tra bright because of the tears, little spots of light, and she smiles again, this time bigger, more solid, and I can see she%s ok with the plan and probably &T. after the hymen cutting. !ancPme te:ts us she%s on the way. I order her entree. We%re gonna cut your hymen out with an U-#cto knife9 my brain is screaming. 0ou%re gonna let us do that'9 +ut )orinne was with us now, she would go along with us in most anything, she was part of the family. We needed to sniff her asshole and see if she was into shitplay herself, not $ust as an accomplice. The whole lot of us needed counselling, but I was the only one getting it. Stop it with the whole obsession of virginity9 0ou%re RH, you should have moved on by now9 5aten breakfast, gotten ready for dinner. 0ou%d be eating out and at the table ne:t to you is this hot girl in a black dress and you thought her traveling companion was too young to e:cite her. +ut they had young se: in the bo:, captured in a bag. #ll you needed to be was young, then you were in. We were all there once. It was delicious. .raterni(e with those your own age. &on%t break the age rules9 7ever a starchild. 0ou must have convinced her to fuck=when actually doing that was obvious to everyone, from about H on. My cat was in the restaurant, and we were dissecting it for the main course. !ancPme would have her in spades. She would try to $ump off the table but !ancPme would fork her, knife her, and she would be still. I was eating spinach-food, leaf by leaf crunching across a hymen freely given. The obsession with eating it' To make it a part of you, to ingest it and digest it and make it a part of you. Starchild had her cocaine in a small carry-bag, and she laid it out directly on the table and did it. I saw her inviting )orinne with a handshake, and the two of them sniffing lines of coke off the restaurant. +athtime' I $ust wrote down whatever I saw. If starchild and )orinne were doing coke at the restaurant, I wrote down that starchild and )orinne were doing coke at the restaurant. It was simple as that. The writing did itself. When we

101

shitplay, I write down shitplay. The story tells itself. !ancPme gets back, sees that we%re doing cokeplay and sits, she eats her entree and the server is bringing us /ohn &oe%s with the .irewater !ancPme bought. 5ven !ancPme has one. It%ll make you forget your name9" #nd we%re all having one. #nd starchild has three, and I have four, and !ancPme%s calling us ta:is and starchild practically spills coke on the table ne:t to us, that black dress' The tenses were getting all messed up and we decided to pause for dessert, which was crWme brXlYe and it was like once one person decided on crWme brXlYe then everyone had decided on crWme brXlYe. So starchild left the coke tools aside and dug into her crWme brXlYe and then she%s putting out a tiny pile of coke on top of her crWme brXlYe and doing a bump. )orinne follows suit. That means she does the same thing, if you didn%t know9 I%m mad on my /ohn &oes not knowing who my name is and then the ta:is are here so we%re rushing out of the restaurant, starchild trailing behind trying to gather up her coke tools and it%s me waiting in ta:i number one and !ancPme and )orinne in ta:i number two and Tommy and /imbob or whatever their names are in ta:i number three. Starchild makes it into the ta:i, still eating her crWme brXlYe. It%s raining, which might be part of the reason we got the ta:is. I don%t know, starchild is paying for them. Then we%re all back at my apartment, and !ancPme dismisses +rad and Mc)hortles back to their hotel while !ancPme, )orinne, starchild, 3live and I all chill at my place. Starchild immediately starts making more drinks, but instead she shows !ancPme how to do it so she can make the /ohn &oes. /ust keep Lem coming." !ancPme camps out in the kitchen, chatting on her phone and periodically making a new /ohn &oe for me or starchild. )orinne has the baby down, and she comes out to $oin us. Why don%t you take off your clothes'" starchild suggests. 7o9" Why not, we%re going to cut your hymen, you%re going to have to get naked for that." !ancPme doesn%t even raise her head at this news. 0ou get naked," )orinne says. Starchild stands and strips. She walks around the back of the chair while she does it, balancing. She gets down to her panties. 7ow you." )orinne asks !ancPme for another /ohn &oe. She makes her one. +ut )orinne sits in her clothes, not budging to take them off. #fter her ne:t /ohn &oe starchild is lying between my legs blowing hot air into my crotch, and )orinne is watching this skeptically from her chair. !et me at least eat your pussy," I say. I won%t do anything disruptive. /ust let me lick it. I want to put my tongue on you, )orinne, it%s this all-consuming thought." !et him," starchild says. I%m surprised you don%t want a piece of it." That%s )orinne. I don%t want a piece of it. I want it for my man." !et me do some more coke." Is that what you want'" )orinne does about three more lines and she%s down, slinking off her $eans and taking her shirt off over the top of her head. 2anties and bra. Soon to be $ust panties. Soon to be $ust )orinne, standing there, naked. I lay her back on the couch and spread her lips. See her hymen, it%s the translucent half-covering kind, plenty of mass to cut off and eat, small bites, but bites nonetheless. I lick her, and starchild is pulling off my pants, !ancPme still $ust chillin% in the kitchen on her phone. Starchild is lodged between my legs sucking my dick while I lick )orinne, and I lick around her vagina opening and her hymen especially. 8ive it e:tra little licks. I can%t stick my tongue into her vagina because of it, but I can stick the tip in, above the hymen. )orinne is *uiet during this,

102

but I look up and see her face, and it%s pleasured. She has her hands around her vulva, presenting it to me, framing it, and starchild is close to getting me off. Starchild takes her mouth from around my dick and says, !ancPme, I need another /ohn &oe. My glass is empty." !ancPme says she%s sorry. If you were smart you%d get in on some of this action," starchild says. !ancPme e:plains she doesn%t feel like she%s part of the family." 0ou%re as much a part of it as you want to be." I think I%ll $ust watch you guys from over here." Starchild goes back to sucking my dick, and I%m licking )orinne%s clit and wondering if she%s ever had an orgasm and if that would be possible tonight. I know I can make her cum fucking her. +ut that would have to wait until the night of the hymen-undoing. Tonight was $ust tease. )orinne%s shaking her head. .uck starchild," she says. #nd starchild is pulling me away from )orinne and pulling her panties off and )orinne pulls her legs up beside her on the couch and watches as starchild move into the chair and starchild sits on top of my cock and bounces herself off, then slowly grinds me off, and there%s cum dripping out of starchild%s pussy and )orinne watches the whole time, her nipples hard. #nd I look into )orinne%s face while starchild is fucking me, and I try to read her. We%re connected, now, now that I%ve licked her pussy. She can%t act distant around me anymore. I%ve had my tongue inside you. I%ve licked your clit. !icked that hymen that is blocking the rest of your pussy from me, blocking it in such style. We%re $ust prepping the incision site, getting it nice and soft for the day we%re going to take a small ra(or blade and incise you, cut out that flap of skin and gnaw on it like a fine beef $erky. !ick your blood. I would love to see )orinne on her period, eat her period blood right out of her like I do with starchild. Would love to have that part of her inside of me. To be invited to see that private moment, would fuck her through the blood, put my bloody penis in her mouth and rub it around. She keeps her distance. +ut she let me lick her. It%s a start. I want her pussy, want to be the first one to go inside it, right after we clip the hymen. Starchild is feeding me /ohn &oe $uice from her mouth, and the alcohol almost has me vomiting=I have to catch myself a couple of times. )orinne is sipping hers, still naked, and starchild gets off my dick and sits in the chair ne:t to me, her legs spread, her pussy facing )orinne. )orinne%s pussy is hidden, she has her legs bent to the side. I%m going to have to wash my couch. )orinne%s pussy $uice is on it. #nd the chair that I%m sitting in and the chair starchild is sitting in, all covered with $uices. Maybe get !ancPme to do it. !ancPme, do you wanna do some coke'" 7o thanks." We have plenty. 0ou%re invited to try it." I%m good." &oes she ever do coke'" I ask starchild. I%ve never seen it." 1ave you ever done coke, !ancPme'" LIgnorance to coke, man, ignorance is bliss.%" 1ave you'" I think she has." It%s $ust that I%m working, right now, I can%t get high on coke." &on%t worry," starchild says to )orinne. 0ou%re part of the family." I don%t know whether that%s a good thing or a bad thing." It%s a good thing9 0ou get to play with us now9" That%s what I%m worried about." 0ou $ust played, wasn%t that nice. My boy can sure eat pussy, can%t he' 3r do you not know Lcause you never had it done before'" 0ou don%t have to answer her." 7o, I never had it done before." )orinne, )orinne, what have you been doing in life'" Taking care of your baby." +ut we have to get you laid9" )orinne smiles. We%re gonna get you laid. 0ou need to have the feel of a dick in

103

your pussy, that cockshaft, )ori. 0ou never even did it with a dildo'" )orinne shakes her head. Starchild massages her pussy, gets the cum all integrated into that shit. We%re gonna get you a dildo. #s soon as we cut your hymen out and you get fucked by this one, we%re getting you a dildo. 0ou%ll like it, )orinne. &o you mind if I call your )ori'" 7o." &o you know when I lost my virginity'" When'" When I was five. I started early. I had the hardcock of a nine year old named .rankie <thers. It was before I got my period or anything. Then I had this small white dildo I would carry with me everywhere, sneak away to get off in the bathroom over dinner. )ome back to the table satisfied. Then skip ahead, I met this motherfucker, he had a virgin-killer dick. #re you familiar with the properties of a virgin-killer dick, )ori'" I guess not." Show her your dick. See how small it is' +ut it gets bigger. That%s going to fit inside your virgin pussy so right, you won%t believe it. 1e%ll loosen you up, that%s for sure, but it won%t hurt like with killer-whale dick. .or your first time, you don%t want that shit. I%m too young for killer-whale dick, I need virgin-killer dick all the time. It%s perfect for my nine-year-old pussy and I think it%s going to be perfect for your nineteen-year-old virgin pussy, $ust you see." #fter that people went to bed and !ancPme left, it was $ust the family. I went to )orinne%s room on the way to mine, opened the door. )orinne'" 0eah'" Wanna talk for a while'" Sure." 3live was *uiet. I laid on the bed between her and )orinne. I $ust thought we would familiari(e ourselves with each other." 3k." So how do you like working for starchild'" It%s..interesting." 0ou probably never had someone offer to cut your clit out in your previous $obs." My hymen. 0ou%re cutting my hymen, not my clit." 3h, right. That%s what I meant. What do you think about working for someone famous'" I don%t mind. I don%t really think of her as famous anymore. She%s $ust my boss." I know what you mean. When I was first fucking her in the ass, she lost some of her star power for me. !ater, in the shitplay, she became a commoner, with no special powers whatever. 3f course she still remains famous, but not to us." 0eah, totally. #re you going to try to rape me'" I move away from her. )orinne, no. We want to do this right, with the hymen cutting and all, and then you and I can have consensual se: if you like, as a celebration, and I can come in you but not make you pregnant and after that you can have se: with whoever you like, without worry." L)ause I thought you came in here to rape me." #bsolutely not. I want to talk about starchild, since we both know her well, but from different points of view." &oes she know that you%re in here'" 7o." So you don%t think she%d be mad'" I doubt she%d be mad. If I was eating your hymen without her, she%d be mad. She won%t be mad for $ust talking to you." So what do you want to talk about about starchild'" &o you find her se:ually attractive'" I%m not really into girls. I suppose I like her more than the average girl." &o you have any tampons I could borrow' I%d like to suck on some of your menstrual blood." <sed ones'" If possible." I don%t save them." Maybe you could start' I%d also like to start wearing your panty liners. It will prepare me for se: with you, if I can touch to my penis something which has or would touch your vagina." I.." If you could masturbate me with one of your panty liners, tonight, that would also help me prepare to have se: with you. /ust take one and put it on my dick, wrap it around, and rub. 0ou could rub me off that way, that way you can get used to my

104

cum, and I can get used to cumming with you. Would that be something you might be interested in'" I%ll get one." She leaves the bed, rifles through her stuff, comes back with a panty liner. 0ou want me to get you off with this'" 2lease." 3k." She removes the sticky tape covering and sticks the panty liner inside her hand, then wraps her fingers around my cock, which is immediately hard. Is this good'" 2erfect. 7ow rub." She rubs and I cum in no time, thinking about her virgin pussy and how it lies ne:t to these panty liners during her period. The panty liner becomes her pussy, in its purity. It is the pure image of her pussy. I s*uirt out over her hand@ it%s hot running down her. Was that good'" 0es. 0ou did a very good $ob. I can%t wait to cum inside you." +ut you have to wait." 3h yes, I will. 0ou want me to help you wash your hands'" 7o, I got it." )an I borrow a pair of panties'" What are you going to do with them'" 7othing. Masturbate. I won%t get them dirty." !et me wash my hands first. &o you want to keep this panty liner'" 7o, I want you to wear that one, and take my smell against you, and feel if you like it, feel if you can take my virgin-killer penis inside you." )orinne was a moment washing her hands, and she set the panty liner delicately inside her suitcase. She rifled around for a pair of panties and handed them to me. #re those good'" I smell them, rub them on my face. 1ave you worn them'" 7ot since I washed them." They%re ok. 7e:t time get me a pair you%ve worn." #re we through now' I have to get to bed and I%m afraid we%re going to wake 3live." We%re through. See you tomorrow." See you." I went to my bedroom. What are those'" starchild asks. &id you go ahead and fuck that girl'" 7o, no. I $ust borrowed a pair of her panties to $erk off with, get used to thinking about her in a se:ual way." I doubt you%ll have much trouble with that." I might. I%m used to my starchild, getting used to plain )orinne might take some doing." She is plain." I%m not used to having se: with plain. I%m used to having se: with e:otic, nine-year-old, superstar. 0ou know, this might be difficult for me." 2oor baby. 8ets to take )orinne%s virginity and it%s a hardship. I feel for you. 8et in bed." I set )orinne%s panties on my T, stand and get in bed with starchild. What took you so long'" I wanted to talk to her." What would you and )orinne have to talk about'" 0ou." Well, granted." We talked about your fame, how we%ve gotten used to you and you seem to have other aspects to you, other than your fame, that we relate to." 0ou%re so intellectual." So are you." 7o, I%m not. 0ou put that impression on me. 0ou%re the smart one of the two of us. 1ow%s your book coming along'" I have seventy-thousand words, I%m thinking it%s going to be about a hundred-thousand." 1ow do you know in advance how many words it%s going to be'" +ecause I write on a schedule. Two-thousand words a day, sometimes four, so I can tell you the e:act day I%m going to finish writing, within a few days." I would have thought it would be more..organic." It%s organic within a day." Well, I%m rooting for you, make it a good one." This one%s sort of writing itself." What do you mean'" !ike this conversation, everything we say, I%m typing, see'" 0ou can type that fast'" 0es." 8et rid of that thing, snuggle with me." I don%t think you%ve ever asked me to snuggle with you." Well I%m asking now. &on%t waste time9" I put my laptop to the side of the bed and insert my dick between starchild%s buttcheeks. This is your idea of snuggling'" I wanted my dick to snuggle too." Someday you%re going to wake up and I

105

will have covered your entire room with shit, it%ll be all over your bed, and you%ll wake up in the stink of it. &o we have any bran muffins left'" 0ou want me to bring you one'" I%ll get one in the morning. &o you want to go to the movies tomorrow'" Sure." I wanna go see a movie in Times S*uare." We can do that." .unny, the things we do in !# versus the things we do here. We never went to see a movie in !#." 0ou were making movies." It%s nice to get away. I want to do some shopping tomorrow, too, without )orinne, $ust you and me." #nd +rad and Tony." 0es. &o you want to do that'" Sure." 0ou%d say yes to anything I said, wouldn%t you'" 2robably." 7o, you would. I love that about you. .uck my ass and let%s go to sleep." 5ven though I had $ust gotten off, the fee ing of being between starchild%s little butt cheeks made me hard, and I agreed to fuck her ass and go to sleep, *uietly, and I was glad I had learned to cum on the medicine. My overall interest in se: was drastically declined from before the medicine, but with enough visual stimulation or other significant fantasy I could consistently cum. We went to bed and I was thinking about what starchild had said, about covering my whole room with shit, and I wondered if it would be tomorrow, if that%s what I would wake up to. Then I fell asleep. In the morning I woke up to starchild, ne:t to me, eating a bran muffin. Whenever I think of bran muffins, I think of my dad, who is obsessed, by route of bran muffins, la:atives, and all manner of ingestibles, with taking a shit at the e:act same time each morning. 1e e:hibits a sick amount of regularity. #nd I find his obsession with this to be morbid, gross. +ut maybe it%s where I got a start at being also obsessed with shit, though to a larger degree, and with much more diverse conse*uences. +ran muffins. My dad also used to shit with the bathroom door open, so while we were eating breakfast we could smell his shit. Maybe that had something to do with where I%ve gone in terms of shitplay. I wonder if starchild has had similar e:periences as a child, but I don%t ask her. She%s sitting up, reading news on the i2ad. I roll toward her and play with my fingers on her leg. She smiles and puts her hand on my head. &id you like eating )orinne%s virgin pussy last night'" Mmm." &id you think you could get into having se: with that'" Mainly I want to eat her hymen with you. !ast night I was talking to )orinne and I accidentally said we%re gonna cut out your clit, not your hymen. Imagine if we actually did that." I have imagined it." 0ou don%t want to do that to her, by surprise'" 7o, but I like thinking about it." 0ou%re a sick motherfucker." That%s why we get along." 0ou don%t mind $ust hanging out with me in 7ew 0ork'" 7o. 3f course not. I%ll eventually have to go back to !#, or somewhere, if there%s another movie." I understand. What if I asked you to cut off my dick and feed it to us, would you do that for me'" I think I like your dick right where it is, young man." I%m not a young man." Would you shut up I%m talking. 7o, I wouldn%t do that for you. That%s for desperate 8ermans who are caught up in a culture *uite different from ours. Isn%t it good enough that we%re cutting out )orinne%s hymen for you' #ren%t you happy with what you%re getting' &o you need more sacrifice, like #manda -no:' 3r do you want to get sued by her, too'" #re you going to do the cutting or am I'" We%ll flip a coin. 3ne of us will do 3live, one of us will do )orinne." .lip a coin is good." Too bad you don%t have a foreskin, we could cut that off as well." Too bad. #re there any more bran muffins'"

106

There%s one. Want me to get it for you'" 7o, I%ll get it." I walk out of the room, naked, and go to )orinne%s door. I open it. )orinne is sitting there with the baby, playing with her arms. 1ow did you sleep'" 2retty well. 1ow is starchild'" She%s been up, reading, she seems fine." 0ou%re naked." &o you mind'" 7o, I $ust thought I%d note the fact. &id you masturbate with my panties yet'" 7o, not yet." I wonder if I%ll know it, when you do, if I%ll feel it'" !ike in the ether'" 0eah." &on%t know. 0ou want a half of a bran muffin'" 7o." Well I%m sure starchild wants to go out for breakfast, can you wait till then to eat or do you want me to cook you a couple of eggs'" Starchild called !ancPme and !ancPme called Tony and +rad and the seven of us had breakfast in my neighborhood. We had lo: bagels, and shit, which we carried with us in stool sample containers with the tiny forks, which we used to shovel shit out onto our bagels. I thought it was fantastic but I wanted to brush my teeth. Then )orinne and !ancPme and the baby went back to my apartment, and to buy supplies for 3live, and starchild and Tony and +rad and I went shopping. Starchild had numerous specific venues she wanted to hit, and we hit them all. 2eople recogni(ed her, but she wasn%t doing autographs today so she ignored them and let +rad and Tony keep everyone at a distance. She and I e:isted in a protected bubble, where we could look at clothes, talk to store clerks, try on clothes, and look at starchild in her new outfits. She had everything delivered to my apartment so she didn%t have to carry bags. 1ow does this look'" It looks se:y, baby. &o you think this story has enough conflict'" )onflict is dead." L0ou%re right, you%re right. What about this one'" 0ou want me to try that on for you'" I%d like to see you in it." +e right back." 2eople were taking pictures of us, $ust trying on clothes, people with their camera phones, and then fullfledged papara((i, at which point Tony and +rad were hardly enough to keep us shopping. &o you wanna go home'" 3h, I%m sorry, does it bother you' I%m used to them. This is my life." It takes some getting used to." /ust forget about them, you%re going to be in the papers, there%s no way around it. Starchild shops with famous author. +oom. 8et used to it. They%re going to have us buttfucking a pregnant baby out my ass, whatever." 0ou mean that a baby might be..that you might be pregnant in your ass'" They%ll say anything9 /ust let it go. 0ou%re in my world now." I generally like your world." I generally like yours. +ut each has their problems, doesn%t it'" What problems does mine have'" That you%re writing me into your book. 0ou can%t be around a writer without them writing you into their stories. &id you ever think that I might not want to be in your story'" If you don%t=" I do. I do. I adore your writing and can%t wait to be seen as part of your..literary..universe. +ut imagine that some people might not want to be..written into your stories. 0ou write them anyway, because they work for you, but it%s a liability. 0our world is as perilous as mine." I never thought of it that way." Well. &o you like this'" 0ou look hot, baby." +ut is it better than the last one'" They both look good." Men are useless. I%m asking you..which one you like better. 0ou can give your opinion. I%m not going to be mad at you." I like the other one." 0ou like the other one better'" 0es." 3k, thank you. That%s very helpful of you. I%m glad I brought you shopping. 0ou%re a good shopper." I%m going to run out of steam in the ne:t hour." We can stop. 0ou%ve had enough' &o you still have some of

107

that stool left over from breakfast' The sample $ar'" 7o, I threw mine away." I threw mine away, too. Imagine the guy taking out their ttrash seeing all these stool sample containers ne:t to napkins and leftover bagel fragments.." Starchild, you%re beautiful." What was that for'" /ust..because." I know an Indian place that%s really good, we%d have to go downtown, but.." !et%s go. Subway'" I can%t. It%s too dangerous. We can take a cab and Tony and +rad can get a separate cab." That%s fine." I%ll give those guys the address. 1old this." In fifteen minutes we were downtown, at 8andhiZs Indian 6estaurant, Tony and +rad%s cab right behind ours, and the restaurant was so skinny you could almost touch one wall with your left hand and the other with your right hand. I had never been here before=one person%s 7ew 0ork is not another person%s 7ew 0ork=but it smelled ama(ing and starchild and I chose a table close to the kitchen, +rad and Tony sitting one table in front of us. The restaurant was so small that no one would see us in it from the outside, and if we had fan trouble from inside there would be so few people that it wouldn%t be a problem. I thought the waiters were being e:tra friendly to us but who knows. Maybe they%re $ust that friendly all the time. We ordered garlic nan GI loved that starchild was unafraid of garlicF and vegetarian dishes. Starchild and I split a couple bottles of wine. We sat there forever, it was great, and I heard +rad and Tony talking, something they rarely do, and it made me feel all the more at home. &o you want another bottle'" .uck yeah9" 0ou%re the coolest girlfriend in the world." I $ust wish we had more shit with us. It would be great with this paneer masala." 7ot a lot of places will cook paneer masala. 3nly the north Indian places." 0ou%re a pretty cool boyfriend, yourself." 0eah, you like me'" 3h you know I do, baby. I can%t wait to read your ne:t book." That you%re living." 0es, it e:cites me that you%re writing about us, I want to see how you represent me. #nd all our hobbies..how are you going to show the stool containers at breakfast and my relationship with 3live..will you make it realistic, the way it is, or will you couch it in established stereotypes of motherhood." +elieve me, I%m not couching shit. 0ou%ll appear $ust as the mother you are." Irresponsible." Worse." #nd how will you make yourself appear' #re you the hero'" 7o. 7o, I%m the antagonist, even though I%m the main character." #re you sure I%m not the antagonist'" 7o, I%m not sure. I%m not sure about anything, even how to end it. I have ideas. +ut I%m not sure my ideas will come to pass." Starchild will tell you how to end it." 0es, she will." #re we splitting another bottle or'" 5:cuse me, can we get another bottle of this' Thank you." 0ou boys want something to drink' 1ave whatever you want. It%s a special lunch. 8et tipsy. See if I care." So they boys ordered Indian beer, and drank a lot of it. +y the time the four of us were ready, and starchild had paid the bill, we were all sloshed. I didn%t mind that starchild was storing up shit in her anus without discussing it with me, but I did mind that she was planning on getting rid of it without my involvement. I wanted to at least wipe her ass, and she was being very closed down about her shit lately. I knew she was going to sneak away when no one was thinking about it and shit in a toilet. I wanted to collect stool from her specimen, keep it around for later. I carried empty stool sample containers with me at all times. To fork a little bit of her shit off into a container would have been the light of my life. The little finger and the thumb were what I was worried about the most.

108

That was where the fingernail polish didn%t wear off. Where we chopped sentences in laboratories for posterity. Where you knew you would die but your words wouldn%t, and the sickness of that. Where language was $ust an infection on the human phenome, and we decided to go shopping down here, first at this cheese shop that enamored starchild, then in the open-air markets, with +rad and Tony keeping close behind, one step behind starchild and me, and I went cra(y, then, in my own streets, something of the alcohol spinning in me, and how delicate and dangerous the balance always was with starchild, one step away from a mob attack, $ust two bodyguards to protect us, but she managed to get *uite far with a pair of sunglasses and a large hat, and we never stayed too long in one place, and we were moving, moving south along Manhattan streets, seeing dried fish products and the beginnings of )hinatown. 0ou could buy ama(ing t-shirts here, stuff you%d never find in !#, and that%s what starchild was after. )ustom-painted shirts from )hinese stall vendors, little shops. She found the most ironic t-shirts, only the most original finds, t-shirts that were one of a kind. These she couldn%t have delivered, so +rad held the shirts. 0ou find, sometimes, that stopping a sentence in its middle is the best choice. )ut off those e:traneous dangling phrases. Say less. When you go back and e:amine a te:t, trying to get to its source, it%s all about who has the money, that%s the only reason a town appears a particular way, it%s how much money and leisure time you have available. It%s all about money. +ut yeah we bought t-shirts, starchild even convinced me into a few of them, so we%d have hip clothes to wear when we were out and about as a couple. Mine was a blue one with chalk-gray type painted onto it, )hinese characters across the nipple in the front. #nd this shiny reversible one, my belly buttonZs grown fat along with me, he%s stretched and deformed, it%s the most obvious symbol of my fatness, and I%m buying e:tra large t-shirts while starchild buys the smallest of shirts available, does she like it when fat me gets on top of her and fucks' Si: and four. +urp, an alcoholic burp, as I sit here writing this drinking Seagram%s gin and ruby red grapefruit $uice, and sweating all over the bed I am sitting in to type, I imagine many yous, sitting in your various locations, in a classroom, in a park, in a dormitory, in a home on your computer, reading this. Where do we connect' #re you drinking as you read' #re you sober' I have gotten used to the li*uor by now, it is hardly an impediment to presenting these statements and ideas to you. 0ou keep reading' Is it because I have e:*uisitely followed the cookie-cutter format for stories' Is it because this story contains some previously-taboo items' 0ou have your ancillary reasons for reading this. It is important" by some standard. )an%t you see through the facade' This is nothing important by past standards. This is a story about shit, about stool sample containers and people who eat shit and people who shitplay. Wash your body in shit and then return to this book. Sink your hands deep into the shit-laden toilet and then come back to reading this book. 5at a lo: bagel with shit and then come back to this book. !et a loved one wipe your ass and clean it and then come back to this book. /ust writing this makes me have to shit. 1ow many shits have you taken during the course of this reading' &id you appreciate each and every one of them' I hope so. I take another sip of my gin and $uice and think of you lovingly. Someone trying to hold onto this piece of literature, shit obsessed as it is,

109

dutifully reading these chapters and reporting for your analysis. 0our anal-ysis. 5ating burgers from .riday%s hoping for the golden nugget. 2icking your nose. Wide-eyed, hands fle:ing eagerly. Some phrase from college, surfacing again, we were so impressionable. We thought if we played pool over it that it was over, one twenty-dollar bet, hyphens in the right place, that that was the last we%d see of it. We were wrong. There was a sock puppet whose face was made of clay. 0ou had the wrong name on his (ipper carrier, and he shat in the cage during the parade. It was the second-largest public gathering of any kind, after Mardi 8ras, in the country. We had you hooked up to wires and we wired shit into your brain, conducted its power from source to its un*uiet destination, the fre*uency of shit radiating into you. It was a loose-fitting shirt, black, and underneath was your subcutaneous skin rash, fought its way there in a bubble. The fingernail polish came off in sheets, and was left with the remnant of a manicure. I snuck alcohol all day long as I wrote this, reminded you to carry a shit towel and a water towel with you to the gym. It was a private ceremony. 3nly the bride and groom attended. They made duck sauce with our brains all day long and bet us bottom dollar that the comic book superheros would outlast. 3f course they didn%t, and what you had intended as your script for &isney turned into a $uvenile e:ercise, not even worthy of the coffee table, stuffed in a drawer somewhere. The man had shit under his tongue and he was coming for me, shit underneath his fingernails, never scraped them out, and that was his armed and dangerous, shit between his teeth, drank from the tall cup of gin and $uice. This will never be published, not in any form, you are the one person it was intended for and you are the one person who saw it. 0ou know your name. I wrote it online, for an audience of one, and that is the audience it has received. What, for all these selfish references and dialectical side bars, it hardly deserves a glance, and that is what it will get. &id you ever drink through the day on gin' 0ou should probably try to do that before you work on getting this book. &rink through a day on gin, work your stomach, watch -itchen 7ightmares a million times in a row, and fall asleep to cable television with bodyguards $ust outside your door, starchild sleeping beside you on the bed, drunk on schnapps and high on coke, crawling to get her clothes off the floor, then collapsing dead in the bed, in trance-like sleep with all the hyphens in the right place, the album starts again and I%ve got iTunes on repeat playing 7ine Inch 7ails and writing my book in the bedroom of my 7ew 0ork apartment with starchild beside me sleeping. 2assed out, due to e:haustion from walking all day and consuming !ance%s cocaine and drinking /ohn &oe%s from sunup to sundown. I had a cat in the refrigerator killing time. I instructed those who wanted to write books to focus on making statements. I made statements myself. This te:t is composed of statements. The previous was a statement. The closest we got to cooking dinner as a family was getting )orinne high on coke and us all ordering in from separate restaurants. )orinne needed it, she was some 3hio kid looking for action, she found e:actly what she wanted, people who would guide her into adulthood without much effort on her part. .ound a couple of scamsters who wanted to take advantage of someone who wanted to be taken advantage of. .ound her in )orinne. She would have sold up her firstborn baby to us, and we would have been willing to take it, e:cept we

110

had our own. I was lucky starchild was knocked up when I met her, because I wouldn%t have been the man to do it, never wanted to have children, didn%t mind that starchild had one, though. /ennifer !awrence was the first google search suggestion for /ennifer these days, and someone said she looked like a reptile. I didn%t think so, I thought she had that same fuckable *uality without a name that )orinne had, plain girl, you could take her from behind and get off, that little girl *uality. That%s what you were fucking, not the girl, but that little girl *uality. I had black fingernail polish. This was all constructed in my brain. 5very sentence, every statement, is the product of a singular brain that you do not possess, who is unavailable for comment, who racked snakes on a more, who scratched his way out of a bo: on delivery, whose skin was sensitive to the cardboard. It bumped up upon contact and the stockbroker was killing women in his basement with electricity wires. 0ou knew the confession before he ever began. It aired on live T, on his birthday. S*uee(ed my fists together and tried to resist the restaurant chain. <rge to throw up violently, spraying on your walls in yellows and oranges with massive force, a growing beard of re$ection. -imlight dungle broseph tries with his ring finger, but fails. 1e never fingered a $ack-o-lantern, he doesn%t know the right flicking movement, and there are whole swamps of them, uneducated in the art, which is why we are stuck in this Indian restaurant forever, drinking wine and listening to starchild%s theories on abduction and celebrity. She had wild theories about what it meant to be famous, and how and why she had gotten there. I couldn%t take her seriously because she was only nine years old but her theories held their weight, I had to admit. What did I know of celebrity' I was only nominally famous and I could still go out or ride the subway without bodyguards, she was the famous one of the two of us. 7ame recognition was one thing@ face recognition was another thing entirely. 2ictures of her in scantily clad GnessF wrapped themselves around 7ew 0ork billboards like pythons. It%s a weak simile, I admit, but it%s one you%ll have to deal with. I had to face this, being with her, her image pro$ected forty times larger on a surface, her ass basically showing, her pregnant tits popping out of store displays in Rd. Those same tits I suckled milk off of, bitch-wide in the display, for everyone to walk between. This was us in the Indian restaurant, this is what we thought. 3r what I thought, anyway, drinking !indeman%s shira( with the starchild, hating her for being famous, loving her for being famous and mine. 8oodnight, 6uby. Sleep well. Make an oatmeal muffin and stuff it down your face, drying out in your mouth, filling up your gut. Shit out poo and it looks e:actly like the goop of Indian food, mushroom saag. What would your poop be like if you ate only Indian food' Softer, more pliable' Work that stomach acid. Work it. Scratch off an arm pimple. Make sure it%s not a mole. 8et Tony and +rad to follow you through the streets of lower Manhattan. What is doing this to me' Is it the bran muffin' I feel like I%m tripping. Starchild, did you put something in my drink' 7o' Maybe this is $ust the normal feel for me now, maybe this is how things will feel from here on out. More mushroom saag' Sure, I%ll eat that shit-looking concoction. Slop it on the plate, bed of rice. .orking it@ putting forkfuls into my mouth. While I was working she played with my vibrator. She said fast speed made her cum, like made her cum. There was a bug bite on my hand like an ant and I scratched it with

111

black nails. We needed to get back to the apartment. Starchild was freewheeling with the wine and I was freewheeling with it, too. We had about a thousand commas we had to insert into this body of te:t, it was daunting. Starchild thought we should $ust sprinkle them on but I had in mind a more manual approach. Would this be the first fight of our relationship' When would they stop shaming men with small cocks' It was already inappropriate to shame women for their bodies, but there was this little loophole such that it didn%t apply to men, you were still allowed to make $okes about a man%s small cock. I didn%t see the logic. It was hard to write some days, because everything was falling apart, right down to my mind, but I wrote anyway, because writing made me feel good, it made me feel like I had accomplished something of merit. 5ven though I only had one reader, that one reader was almost more than I needed to keep going. To tell the truth, I would write even if no one was ever going to read it, because I like writing, as a thing to do. I didn%t go to the gym again today, I was too scared to ride my bike there. I lay on the bed in a little ball and starchild did coke ne:t to me and all I could think was at least I%m not doing coke but then her doing it made me want to do it so I snorted some coke and that was my day, eating Indian, getting drunk on !indeman%s shira(, lying in bed doing coke with starchild. It%s an ideal day if I didn%t have fifty or si:ty pounds I%d like to lose. I like the weight of you on top of me." +ut I%m unhealthy, like in a +MI sort of way." 0ou seem healthy to me." +ut I%m not. My numbers aren%t good. I need to start working out or bad things will happen to me." +ad things are going to happen to you anyway." +ut not this soon." &o this line with me. I made it e:tra big." S), do you believe in the afterlife'" 7o." Me either." So'" So that means that all there is is us snorting coke and playing with shit and deflowering )orinne and 3live and us fucking and ordering pi((a and you telling !ancPme what to do." #nd the ocean. #nd 7ew 0ork. #nd !#. #ll the great foods you love and the weird games we can play with our bodies." &o you want to pretend something with me'" What'" That you%re killing me and you%ve decided to give me one more fuck at the end of my life, so you%re on top of me with a gun to my head and you%re fucking me, and as soon as I cum you%re going to pull the trigger." &o you want me to choke you while you cum'" 0es." Sure, I%ll play that with you." So we played that and it was good and sick and I pretended that I was going to see the white light even though I%m not sure people who get shot in the head get to see the white light and I see myself seeing that white light someday and knowing that I%m dying and instead of feeling settled about it I would be screaming to go back, to not go through the tunnel, because I%m not ready to give up and I don%t want to see it. I know they say if you focus too much on your fear of death that you%re missing out on life, and I guess that means I%m fucked up, because I spend some time on my fear of death instead of $ust living to the fullest all the time. I%m a fucked-up person. I eat cats and scan the city for little shit-covered starlets so I can drag them into alleys with the scan cameras and, while security is watching, I strip them and clean them up, washing all that little shit down the drain. I have an eye for starlets, and they have an eye for me, because I rescue them from a certain type of boredom and they rescue me from a certain type of emptiness. +ut it doesn%t last, it doesn%t last forever. +ecause as soon as starchild and I cut that hymen out

112

of )orinne%s pussy we will begin to grow apart. )an we have an emotional conversation' I want to have an emotional conversation right now. I need it, it doesn%t even matter what it%s about. If we cry that%s better. +ut no one wants to have one, because everyone%s off watching T,, that idiot bo: that kills every customer. It%s a little bit writerly=that%s ok. My goal here isn%t to be realistic. #nd I know some people will say this has no redeeming social value, and I can only bet that there will be those who disagree. +ut I%m trying to keep writing flat, non-structured, like a /ackson 2ollock painting, as close to the surface as possible. Which is why if you are looking for meaning in this book you will be disappointed. I%m not shooting for meaning, as flimsy as that goal is. I%m writing a story about shit. It started out with shit and it will end with shit, and there will be nothing much more to it. &on%t you hate those books that have to mean something' I%ll dissect a cat. &issect you right on top of it. Wanted to do surgeries since I was very young, when the room got dark and I had that need to have blood on my hands, someone%s blood clots especially, twisting red and blue veins and arteries together, ripping them out at their source. #n open carcass, you and I with tools, flashlights, peering in. That%s a pretty good image, maybe you can forgive me some of mine from earlier. /ust the way you move in a chair and it sends shoots of erotica through your penis. That feel of a horny penis, that penis that will spout at a hair trigger. That%s the kind of penis I have, it has sensations when I%m $ust sitting still. It%s a virgin-killer penis, lest you%ve forgotten. Starchild, keep your hand on it in some sense or fashion at all times. The record player is playing slow now and it seems like we%re on drugs. We are on drugs, but it seems like we%re on different drugs. !as drogas. See9 I put some Spanish in now this book is multiracial. .uckers. The machine is going to eat you now. My spine is crooked because I sit with my legs a certain way. It will never go back, never be fi:ed. )orinne is going to be broken, 3live broken by our little e:periment. We break each other in order to love each other. +ring on your women%s groups saying a man has no right to write about a hymen. .uck you. # man has every right to write about a hymen. I know you4 you people who $ust like to be upset about something. #nd you will always find something to be upset about. It doesn%t matter to you what it is. /ust that feeling of controversy, of being victimi(ed and violated, that%s what you%re in love with. 0ou are working to maintain the very structure you rail against, the structure of the superior man and the inferior woman. It is the desert now. I am in a basket in a dried-up river bed. I am holding the head of a dead starchild, and I am clinging to her, wanting her to once again be alive. Starchild, hold my dick. Wrap your fingers around it and $ustify its e:istence. !ie on top of me, $ust lie, after you do your cocaine lines. Make a tunnel with our hands and pretend we are looking at each other through a special tunnel. I%m not in the desert anymore. I%m in my bedroom with starchild leaning away from me to do more cocaine, leaning back, keeping my dick warm by lying on top of it with her naked self. If we could only fastforward and die like this, we%d at least be in the same room as each other when we died. I could hold your head and then die, and it would be ok. There%s a theme here. I wrote about that before, about my mother holding me in her arms while I died, and I don%t want that to happen, but it would be a great way to die, in the arms of someone you love. I can smell

113

starchild%s hair. It has this way it smells when she hasn%t washed it in a couple of days. I don%t want to die. I want to live, to be with this one, for as long as she%ll have me, and I don%t know if she feels the same way back, or if I%m $ust another guy that she%s with for a while. I don%t want to pressure her by asking. I can%t shake the thought of death. The more lines I do the more I think about it, and the more I want to do lines. Starchild, have !ancPme order some food." What do you want'" /ust have her pick any menu from my pile of menus, and order food off of it. I don%t care what it is, I want it now, and if she doesn%t want to get it, I might have to fuck her too." 3k, ok, calm down." Starchild puts on her panties and goes out into the living room. She tells !ancPme how to order the food, and shows her the pile of menus. When she comes back in the room I tell her to sit on my face. I want to panty-munch you." 0ou can do whatever you want." She sits on my face. I eat her through the panties, cloth all in my mouth. I%m thinking about stopping doing cocaine," I tell her. I think you should," she says, if that%s what you want." Thanks." &o you mean $ust for today or for good'" I was thinking $ust for today. It%s making me think about death." #ww. 0eah, stop." So I go back to panty-munching her, and I press my tongue inbetween her lips and I%m rubbing the fabric of her panties all over her but she wriggles them off and puts her vulva in my face and I eat, glorious, glorious, eat. I $ust gave my cat the thumbs-up sign. I think she%s proud of me for writing this book. My psychiatrist says I%m psychotic, that I have a psychotic process." &o you think this is true' I think I%m simply more imaginative than normal people, I%m not sure there is any psychosis in it. /ust because I can say something that you don%t understand doesn%t mean that what I%m saying doesn%t make any sense. My cat understands this. My penis is raw from masturbating last night. I went with the video of the girl with the clear dildo and starchild was in my bedroom while I was in the living room. The girl with the clear dildo did all her tricks but it wasn%t enough to get me off. I had $ust come back from the gym and was getting all kinds of tingly feelings all over my body, I think I was too generally e:cited to cum, like there wasn%t enough of a cum differential between my penis and the rest of my body to have a penis cum. 2retty sure that%s what the problem was. Starchild recogni(es my raw dick from these sessions, she knows about the girl with the clear dildo. So you%ve written a few words..you want to be immortali(ed' I%ve had pussy that was as hard as beef $erky, as dry. +y comparison, starchild was bubble gum. 2opping that bubble gum pussy. 8rammar checker has a problem with every word in that sentence. Starchild, get me a glass of water. GWhen you can make your superstar girlfriend do menial tasks for you.F When you get off on that, the power that you have over a starchild, what she wants from you. When she wants that so bad she%ll do anything to get it, bring you glasses of water, fly across the world, put your shit in her mouth, anything. I won%t lie and say it wasn%t satisfying to see her eat my shit. I was happy to eat hers, but the $oy, the complete glee it gave me when she ate my shit, was untouchable. To see how low the starchild had gone to be with me, and I was willing to go as low to be with her. When the stool sample containers came out, that was my )hristmas 5ve. Shitting the baby was $ust pure entertainment. To see her s*uirm once the diarrhea was on her, it%s terrible, a terrible thing to have done to a baby, and that%s what made it so much fun. /ust

114

like my dad used to make me clean out my shitty underwear with my hands, we had gotten hands on. Thanks, &ad, your legacy lives on. Those little abusive games you played with me as a child, have reinstated themselves in grander form, and we%re going to torture the shit out of this child. Wish you could see me, father, wish you could take part in these games. We%d e:tract your shit that has to happen at the same time every day and smear it in your face, tie you up in $ust your socks. 0ou deny every part of it but I wasn%t the cra(y one, you did those things to me, my memory isn%t wrong. That%s a horror of mental illness4 the so-called normal people around you have the chance to discount everything you say based on the fact that you%re mentally ill. 5verything good you do is a fluke, everything less than stellar is due to your mental illness. #ny complaint you make against them is invalid because you%re the mentally ill one. They%re safe in an illusion of sanity and they tyranni(e you in all aspects of your life $ust because one part of you is broken. This is what I think about while I%m eating out the starchild, her perfect pussy on my lips, my tongue all the way inside her. I need to get in some good writing time today, maybe put starchild in the living room and me stay in the bedroom with my laptop, get a good two thousand words done. !ive in my fantasy. The problem is when you don%t know what%s real and what%s not. Well I say there%s a *uestionable region in there, where no one can claim to know whether certain things are real or not. There are some unevidenced things that cannot be dismissed and some evidenced things that can. 8iving starchild tongue, though, that%s worthwhile, that matters, that is indisputably good, at least in my world it is. To give that child pleasure was worth everything to me. To know that I could, gave me value. Simple tongue fucking. It was e:alted to me, holy. Starchild'" What'" I love doing this to you." She laughs. I love it too." I wanna do more shitplay tonight with !ancPme, get her involved." What about the boys, you want me to call them'" I prefer being in my universe of girls, but thank you." 0our butt thanks me'" My butt will be thanking you when you lick me there." 6oll over." I%m not done with you yet." I said roll over." So I do, and starchild is spreading my cheeks, licking my asshole, and it is cathartic when someone does that to me, it%s like a miracle, and every single time it makes me cry. )rying tears of $oy, of that so-sensitive place being touched by someone else. It%s the most sensitive, the most private place, even more than genitalia, and to touch it is a revelation. I put my head into the pillow, push into it with my face, let my tears come. I breathe in sharply, several times in a row. Starchild knows what this does to me, she%s used to this reaction. I breathe out, letting the breath go completely out of me. When I breathe in again it is choppy and interrupted, staccato little breaths adding up to one big breath. To be processed like this, by the starchild, is divine. So what do you want to do tonight'" We tank up on food throughout the day, everyone holds up their shit, and we do a dry shit bath on the shower curtain, then everyone showers together to get the shit off. #nd you have to go one at a time, on the shower curtain, so we can watch each person shit, then we $ust play with it, eat it, vomit, whatever happens." 3k but guidelines4 no one gets to put shit in my hair." 7o, mine either. +ut it%s ok to put shit on your face." 0es. #nd if )orinne needs to vomit then she can vomit. 0ou don%t think you%ll have to, do you'" I might. I%m not as good as you. Where is

115

3live in all this'" 3live plays too. We pass her back and forth, we take off her diaper, let her do what she wants, she can crawl around in the shit if she wants to." 0ou know what I%m thinking'" What'" I don%t want )orinne or !ancPme involved in this. I don%t want people who are going to half-ass it and make fucktards out of themselves. 0ou know'" I agree. This is serious play and we only need people involved who can take it seriously. )orinne can take pictures or !ancPme can. )orinne can be responsible for cleaning up 3live, like last time. !ancPme is an e:cellent photographer, you know." She is' )ool. )ool. I%m feeling this. !et%s tell !ancPme to order double food from wherever she%s getting it from, so we can eat now and be ready to shit at like..eight o%clock'" &eal, I%ll go tell !ancPme and I%m coming back to finish licking your asshole." &eal," I say, overwhelmed, knowing she%s going to lick my asshole good, and that I%m going to have a nice cry into this pollow of mine. 3ne of my earliest memories," I%m telling her, while she licks my asshole, is of going somewhere in the house and s*uatting, and shitting my underwear. They were training me and I hadn%t gotten completely used to the underwear, so I would still shit myself sometimes. When my dad found out that I had shit my underwear, he would get very angry and drag me by the arm into the bathroom, where he would make me take off all my clothes and clean the underwear myself by rubbing them in the toilet with my hands, like you would train a dog, rubbing his nose in it. I%ve come to learn, through years of therapy, that this was an act of humiliation perpetrated by my father, and that I have come to be very concerned with class as a result of it. Matters of class, who is more valued and who is less valued, are a central idea in my thinking. I have a need to assert myself as a member of the upper class." #nd you have fought all your life, with your writing, to be seen as a member of a greater class." 0es, I have." I at least wanted to be rich, rich enough that I was in a greater class than my father was. #nd even before I began to write so seriously, when I had other $obs, I made sure I always made more money than my father. I hate that it%s so important to me, but it is. I categori(e people as Llow lifes% when I really hate them. Think of people as Ldegenerates.% I don%t want to be like that. I want to get rid of the humiliatorDhumiliated dynamic in myself. My psychiatrist says we learn how to do relationships based on our earliest relationships. 3ne of my earliest relationships was humiliatorDhumiliated and I%m still stuck in that. I play the humiliator, because I don%t accept myself as humiliate-able. 7othing you can do to me will embarrass me, that sort of thing. 2laying, always, like I%ve got winning hand." #nd you do." I definitely do. I%m done playing cards at this point. I don%t want to feel the need to humiliate anyone, anymore." &oes this mean we can%t play with shit anymore'" 7o. I love playing with shit with you. I $ust need to make sure, in my own mind, that I%m not doing it to humiliate you." I like being humiliated by you." I know, that%s Lcause you%re as sick as me." I grew up being raped," she says. That%s my early relationship I learned from. +y my dad, by my uncle, by my cousins. It was like open fucking season on starchild9 So I don%t know what the name of that relationship is, but that%s mine." I don%t know what the name of that one is, either. Maybe abuserDabused." So I want to be the abuser." 6ight. +ecause you were the abused." That rings true. 1ow I treat !ancPme, how we treat )orinne. 0ou don%t know the half of what I%ve

116

done to my assistants." I believe it." 7o, I mean, I%ve been really terrible." I bet you have." I definitely want to be that way with my contracts, I%m the abuser instead of the abused, but it%s not right, past a certain point." I hear you. I humiliated a lot of people in my early $obs, coworkers. It feels good, but it%s not ultimately satisfying. I%m trying to grow bigger than this shit, you know'" I know you are, baby." We both can do this." I..think I%ll hold on to my abuser paradigm for the moment." I don%t think when I was nine I knew the word paradigm." That%s one I learned from listening to you." 3h, baby, that feels so good. I could tell you stories all day while you do that." #nd I could do this to you all day, you taste beautiful to me." +eing the abuser feels good to me, it feels to good, I don%t know if you should hang around me anymore." I can handle myself." )an you' +ecause I%m not sure I feel so good about everything we%ve done together." I wanted it." 0eah, but maybe because of some sick shit that happened in your childhood." So' That stuff is me. That%s the real me9" I pull away from her so her hands aren%t on my cheeks anymore. I don%t want to abuse you." +ut I want to be abused9" #nd I don%t want to humiliate you, so from now on, the shitplay isn%t humiliation, it%s like #fricans playing with elephant dung, it%s holy to them. That%s what we%re doing, or at least, that%s what I%m doing." 8ot it. +ut $ust because you%re not humiliating me, doesn%t mean you can%t abuse me." I%ll have to think about that one." I%m gonna go tell !ancPme about the e:tra food." )ool, I%m gonna get dressed and come out there. I want to play 2laystation. #nd no spicy food. I want solid shit." Skip ahead. It%s about seven-thirty. I%m lying in one of the chairs in the living room. !ancPme is holding 3live and )orinne and I are duking it out at Tekken. Starchild is on the couch ne:t to !ancPme, and I see her stand up on the couch and go for the panty $ar on my bookshelf. <h uh ah. What are you doing'" 8etting coke out." 7o you%re not. 7o you%re not9 Stop her !ancPme9" I can%t." Starchild9 Stop9 What the hell." What' What%s your problem'" We%ve got to do it at the same time. I don%t want you shitting without me9" 6ela:. I%m $ust getting it out." +ut don%t take any." I won%t. Watch your game." +ut I%m beating )orinne, I have all the moves memori(ed for this character. .uck9 .uck me." Sorry." I%m done. 8imme 3live." It was fun playing with you." That%s the last time I%ll ever do that." Who%s ne:t'" It%s time." Starchild' 0ou want to play me'" 0ou%ve spent too much time mastering that thing. It%s time." I flop the controller down. So lay it out." I%m trying, if you%ll stop yelling at me." I%m not yelling. Set it out." !ancPme. We want pictures of the entire evening. +ut use my phone. 5veryone else%s phones are off-limits. #re you ready to do this'" !ancPme. +ring me a /ohn &oe." Make it two." So lay out the lines." #re we gonna do big lines'" 0eah, $ust start us out with humongo lines, do it all in one swipe." 6eady'" 8o." We sniff these huge lines that Starchild has going all the way across the mirror. Instantly I%m high, heart beating out of my chest, and almost instantly after that I have to shit. &o you have to'" 0es, do you'" 0es." !ancPme, get over here9 We need you for pictures9" We move to the shower curtain, which is spread out behind the chairs in my living room. I grab starchild%s toe. 0ou ready for this'" !ancPme, hurry9 I%ve got to shit." )orinne has 3live on the couch and she%s $ust watching. !ancPme sets two drinks on the coffee table and grabs starchild%s phone. She

117

stands in one of the chairs and starts taking pictures. &o you want video for this'" 0eah, whatever, $ust..are you recording'" 1ow much space do you have on here for video'" # lot. #re you recording'" 0eah. 8o." Starchild turns her butt to me and gets up on her knees. I%m waiting. I spread her butt cheeks. &on%t shoot it out too fast. See if you can let it drop down onto the plastic." I%ll see what I can do." I see it, from the middle of her asshole, the beginning of her shit, and it%s coming out and coming out more, and her asshole gets wide and the whole shit is coming out toward me, and I put my hands around it and help it come out of her. It breaks off and drops onto the plastic, coating my hands which are late: gloves this time. Is that it'" 7ope." #nd a whole other log comes out of her, breaking as it falls, and I pick up one of the pieces and s*uish it in my hand. Is that it'" I think so." I stick a finger up starchild%s butt and ream her out. There%s a little more shit in there. #re you getting this'" 0es," !ancPme says. &id you take video'" 0es." 7ow you9 7ow you shit9" So I turn around and put my butt in starchild%s face, and I%m leaning forward on my hands. She spreads my butt cheeks and I%m kind of hoping !ancPme is going still photography for this one. I feel the shit forming. Starchild has gloved hands on my butt cheeks, and she leans forward and licks my asshole real *uick. +e careful," I laugh, and I%m looking over at )orinne, watching us. #re you having fun'" &elightful," she says. 3k, here it comes." #nd my shit is coming out solid, and starchild is massaging my buttcheeks to make sure it comes out of me, and it goes plop, plop" on the curtain, then starchild has one hand coming through to my dick and she%s s*uee(ing it and I wish I had done something to her like that while she was shitting but I%m an idiot. I feel her hot hand on my back. She%s rubbing my own shit on me and it warms me. !ancPme, turn up the heat." Where is it'" See' 6ight there." !ancPme goes to the thermostat. I%m fro(en, starchild rubbing shit on my hips and I%m watching !ancPme%s legs cross the room and stand at the wall. There," !ancPme says. That should be better." I sit up and turn around to starchild. We have a pile of shit between us. It%s easily distinguishable4 two different colors. I take some of mine and spread it on starchild%s waist, and !ancPme is kneeling beside us with starchild%s phone. There is a flash. Starchild grabs some of her shit and rubs it all around my neck. The smell is wonderful, vanilla, cinnamon, a frankness, and she%s making a necklace all the way around me, our bodies touching at the nipples and genitals, our knees getting in the shit, and I go for her between the legs and rub shit there. She grabs my dick, and it%s getting hard, and she rubs my own shit on it, then coats my balls with a handful of hers, pulling down on my balls so she can over the entire scrotum, then she%s $acking me with one hand, my dick completely hard. The shit loses its temperature *uickly. I want to have se: like this." I want that too." She%s kissing me and rubbing shit on my cheeks. I have my hands around her butt and I%m sticking fingers inside her asshole. Stay still. !ancPme, get some stills of this. 5very angle." !ancPme does it wordlessly. She%s kneeling all around us, lying on the floor ne:t to the shower curtain, standing up, and even once taking a tentative step onto the curtain for a closer angle. I want to fuck you." 8o, baby, go, do it, don%t wait, be inside me." So I%m laying her down, and we%re both lying in the shit pile, and it smears out behind starchild%s butt. #nd I%m grabbing shit from the

118

curtain and rubbing it in her armpits, rubbing all the way up her arms and into her hands, where we lock fingers. #nd I%m kissing her on the face, and there%s shit between our lips, and I%m finding her with my dick, and sticking myself inside her, and pressing in, and in, and in. #nd she has my shit inside her, and it lubricates us, and I%m fucking, and fucking, and I can%t see )orinne but here comes !ancPme around in front of me taking our picture. #nd I%m pounding starchild, fucking so deep inside of her, and I%m >II[ hard. )um in me." &on%t you want to cum'" I want you to cum, I want you to cum in me now." So I speed up, and I%m banging her, humping her, and I start thinking of )orinne, watching this, and I get even harder and starchild is looking me in the eyes and then thinking about fucking her makes me even harder so now I%m about >>H[ hard and I%m getting right before that point of no return and I don%t want to leave starchild hanging but she said she wants me to cum so I let it go past the point, rubbing inside her shit pussy, slamming my shit cock into her, my shit balls slapping below that. I%m going to cum in you." 8ood, baby." I%m going to cum in your right now." Starchild grabs the back of my head, and she%s getting shit in my hair=against the rules. I%m about to cum. I grab both sides of her head, getting shit in her hair=against the rules. Then it%s too much and I start getting off, the feeling rising in me, and I%m panting over her, banging the shit out of her, and I%m fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck=9 I%m shooting off, spraying up into her pussy, coating her cervi: inside and out. #nd I reali(e I%m grabbing her hair, pulling it out of her head, and she%s gripping, s*uee(ing her whole body together, holding my dick so tight between her legs. I let go of her hair and see I have a few strands in my gloved hand. !ancPme is still in front of me, I can only assume she%s at the end of a long video segment. 1i," I say to the camera, then collapse over starchild, my head falling to the shower curtain, and I have shit on my forehead. I notice starchild%s breathing, slow, measured, full breaths. I s*uee(e my penis inside her and she s*uee(es back. )orinne claps. +ravo. +ravo9" Starchild says, #nd 3live didn%t even cry." She was getting into it, like when you were fucking, she kind of gla(ed over." 0eah, she%s into it. 0ou like when mommy and daddy fuck, don%t you'" starchild says to the ceiling. I%m reaching down, grabbing starchild by the hips, s*uee(ing her tight, feeling the shit s*uish. 7ow where%s that shower head of yours'" Starchild is running her hands through her hair. I%ve got some deep cleaning to do." 0eah, there%s a setting on there that%s perfect." That%s what I%m thinking'" The one where it makes three solid streams'" 0es9" Starchild kisses me. I can point one of those right inside of me." 1ow are we gonna get from here to the bathroom'" 0ou walk it," !ancPme says. Walk the shower curtain. !ike scrunch it up and then slide part of it forward, then scrunch it up again." Starchild and I are looking at each other like, That makes sense9" I don%t want to get up though." 7either do I." &oes it stink in here now'" !ook, you got a little on the T, stand." 8ross. !ancPme'" I%ll get it. 0ou want me to get you a new shower curtain'" 0es. 7o. 8et us two." 0ou wanna do this again sometime'" Maybe." 7asty girl." I $ust let you fuck shit up my pussy, so yeah, I guess I%m nasty." In the shower I ate out her shitty pussy while she was spraying water into her from directly under my chin. Then she $ust sprayed it, and I laid back. We were both sitting in the tub, and the

119

long cord of my shower attachment reached down to starchild%s vagina. We%re weird." 0eah we are." &o you think you%d be able to find someone else to do this with'" 7o." &id you have a good orgasm'" .ucking..fantastic." I like thinking about your cum and your shit mi:ing inside me. Sorry I had to wash it out." I liked having shit on my dick." We%re both gonna have to wash our hair, though. #nd !ancPme9 8et some candles to burn out there9 !ike potpourri9 Is that ok'" .ine." #nd !ancPme9 5mpty all the trash cans tonight." We had peeled off our rubber gloves into the bathroom one. I%ve got a surprise for you." What is that'" !indsay is coming to visit us later this week." When'" I don%t know e:actly, but sometime this week definitely." Should I get my lawyer'" 7o, let%s keep this..$ust between us. .or now." My lawyer%ll probably be real pissed if I meet her without him." Well, I don%t want her to be on her guard. I want you to walk her through the book and why she doesn%t want to sue you. Maybe read her sections of it, sections she%ll like." I don%t know." Meet her my way $ust once and if it doesn%t work out we%ll involve the lawyers." 3k. Will you let me wash your hair'" I washed that red hair, scrubbed her scalp with my fingers, got it clean from root to tip. It has come to my attention=while her hair is washing we can discuss this=it has come to my attention that perhaps the baby G3liveF in this book is a bit of a >-dimensional character. 7ow there is the matter of describing an infant who has not developed a personality yet and there is the matter of this infant being taken care of by )orinne, not the main character or even the main character%s girlfriend, and there may be other matters. I am aware that babies come pre-packaged with some of their personality, and that even infants who seem to only cry and sleep, actually do other things which e:press their personalities. There is a *uestion of whether the infant has been ade*uately described, or whether the lack of description of the infant makes sense given the protagonist%s relationship to it. I am not entirely satisfied that an answer can be given to this *uestion, yet I am sensitive to it since I do not have children, and have never raised an infant myself. 7ow the same could be said of starchild and the me" character in this book, that they have never raised an infant, since )orinne is doing the raising of the child. I find this to ring true with some )alifornians I have known. Some say the voice in Things Said in &reams sounds too masculine, and they have trouble believing the narrator is a girl. Well there%s no such thing as the narrator, so it can%t be a girl or a boy. 0ou might say that when writing something you don%t personally know about, that you do your best to model the unknown thing and let the chips fall where they may. +ut even this would be wrong, for it is *uite possible for a male to write a male protagonist who I have trouble believing is male. 1alf of why you think a protagonist sounds male is because the author is male. Maybe a good author can convince you that she is a male or vice versa. +ut I see photographs of women who look like men Gwho are unconvincing of their female-nessF and photographs of men who look like women. What am I to make of any of this' I don%t even think the goal is to write something that is believable as real. There are more than one reality that can be believably suggested by pieces of writing. What%s more, your goal with a particular piece of writing may not be to be realistic. It may be to create something of its own, which is not paired with any reality. In the end, writing is a crap shoot4 it%s like writing

120

a computer program where every processor that runs it is a different architecture. 5very book strikes each reader differently. Should this book be different' Should it be deeper' More realistic' I don%t think there is a should" there. There is $ust what is, the te:t, and the various readings of the te:t. 3live is starchild%s baby. She has farmed out the care of her baby to )orinne, and only takes charge of her again to play shit games with 3live and the me" character. The me" character recogni(es that 3live is a sacred entity, a whole entity, and an entity that does not entirely belong to him. 1e is willing to spray diarrhea all over this living entity because he and starchild are locked in a game to which the two of them hold the keys, and they feel superior to everyone around them, thus e:pecting adults and children alike to participate in their game without *uestion. I have counseled Sian S. 6athore Gan alt lit babyF not to write about serial killers, because they%re boring people, because they lack a conscience. &oes my character violate this same rule, in not-caring whether he takes a shit on an infant' I%m not going to answer that, I%m leaving it to the reader. It is not my $ob GI declareF to provide answers to *uestions, but rather to pose *uestions through the writing of books. So answer these *uestions yourself, I%d better return to writing this one. GStarchild%s hair is done washing.F We finish showering from the shit fuck. My shower head is well used by both of us for masturbation and we%re certainly clean of any shit by the time we get out of the shower. .unny how women get all the credit for shower head masturbation when it works both ways. Same thing with vibrator masturbation. #ll the advertising is aimed at women. Most men in my culture would be pleasantly surprised to see what a good 1itachi Two-Speed could do for them. I was lucky to discover my parent%s multi-attachment vibrator when I was two or three. +een using one ever since. The orgasms are out of this world. Strictly speaking, much better than fucking, though fucking has its plusses. So we go back to the bedroom and starchild sits on my butt giving me a back massage. I%m really worried about this !indsay suit." Tell me about how you%re feeling." I feel worried. I could lose everything, if they award her damages. I don%t think I deserve to lose everything for $ust using a name that matches hers in a novel." &o you think what you do can really be described as a novel'" &o I think it deserves a new genre' I don%t know. I don%t know what you%d call it. Something with elements of fiction, elements of fact, the closest I%ve come to naming that sort of writing is to call it photoshop." I see what you mean, but that doesn%t have a real ring to it, does it'" I guess not. 0ou can press harder. 0eah, like that. It%s gonna be your turn in a minute. #hh, that%s wonderful. I wrote a thousand words today." &id you' That%s great, baby." I want to write a thousand more." &o you want me to stop so you can write'" 7o, that feels good. &o my hands, ok' My wrists and my hands. I want to tell you something. +efore I met you, I used to look at your pictures on the internet and masturbate. 7ot even se:y pictures, either, $ust pictures of you in color so I could see your hair. I would imagine what it was like, fucking you, imagine your face when you came, what kinds of sounds you would make. &oes that bother you'" 7o, I know that all kinds of people masturbate to my pics. It doesn%t bother me. It makes me feel special. I want to be wanted by them. L0ou can look but don%t touch.% That%s all it is. 5:cept now you get to touch." #nd I%m lucky for that, and don%t think I

121

don%t know that." 0ou%re not lucky. I wanted you. 0ou%re $ust loving me back from what I gave you." &o you think dialogue in scripts has to make sense' !ike do people have to understand it'" I think it does." See..I don%t think it does." 3k." I think it has to flow. +ut I think it%s ok if the audience doesn%t understand every bit of it. It%s like a music lyric that you don%t understand. 0ou make up your own words to fill in. That%s $ust how you hear the song, until you look up the lyrics and are like4 is that what that says'" I%m not a writer." I%m not trying to put you on the spot. I $ust wanted to know what you thought." 1ere, switch me." Starchild lies down and I sit on her butt, put all my weight into her. 0ou want it hard'" 3h yeah," she says, already rela:ed. So I give her a back massage. I%ve never trained for this, but you sort of pick it up, you know' I%m rubbing from the bottom of her back to the top, rocking my fingers into her, then moving up. Starchild farts, and I feel the heat of it on my testicles, then smell it. 1er beautiful smell. That particular way of processing food. If we were animals I would know her by the smell of her farts, track her around the $ungle that way. 0ou know what I want'" What'" I ask. I want you and me and )orinne and 3live and !ancPme to go back to !# and make another movie and for everything to be like it is now forever. Will you tire of me when I age'" I don%t think so. Maybe. 0ou might have to hire concubines." I%ll hire you all the concubines you want, as long as you stay with me." I%ll stay with you. 0ou%re my little moviestar dream. /ust keep being se:y." 0ou keep being se:y." #s long as you think my belly%s se:y." 3h, I love your belly. When I say that, I%m borrowing pretty heavily from one of your earlier books." +orrow away, that%s why they%re there. 0ou really think we make a good pair'" We%re perfect9 Who else gets shitfucking'" 2robably a lot of people." 7ot people I know." Maybe we should meet some friends, place ads on the internet." Wanted4 shitplay." 5:actly. 0ou think we%ll find people who will s*uirt it out their ass and play with it'" Maybe. 2eople are into all sorts of things." I%d rather convert some of my e:isting friends." That too. &o you have people in mind'" # few." So you want us back in !#'" &oesn%t matter, I $ust want you on the set of my ne:t film, we can come here inbetween. 0ou seem to be able to write with me in your life. 6ight'" Seem to be. 0eah. We%re pretty compatible." 7either of us us has a drug problem." 6ight. I drink a lot, but=" So do I. #nd a little coke isn%t going to kill you." I like a little coke." We%re not breaking any laws." Well." With 3live we might be. 2robably. +ut no one%s going to tell." )orinne and !ancPme seems safe." +ut you never know, with assistants. They can turn on you." 0eah'" 0eah. 3ne minute you think you%re safe. The ne:t minute it%s on TMQ." That sucks." 0ou don%t even know." Well, I do. I%ve seen your stuff on TMQ." 0ou%ve read all of it'" To the very beginning." Then you saw my snatch on TMQ before you ever saw it in real life'" 0eah, but it looks different on TMQ." &ifferent' 1ow'" It looks more fucked up on TMQ." 0eah, the angle of that picture is fucked up. I look like some sort of alien-monkey." It%s much better in person." Thanks. +ut you see what I%m saying' 0ou can%t trust a !ancPme. 0ou can%t trust a )orinne. That%s why I had !ancPme use my phone to take the pictures. 0ou can%t even really trust that." 7o'" 2eople%s phones get hacked, bro9" 0eah'" 0eah, they take your contacts, your pictures, everything9" !et%s get those pictures off of there,

122

then." 0eah, you see how it feels, now that it%s your picture about to get hacked." Seriously, let%s get those pictures off there." Tomorrow. We can move Lem to your computer, if you feel better about it." &o you think we could go to $ail over 3live'" .or shitting on her' 3r poking her hymen'" +oth." I don%t know..child abuse' Is that a crime' I think you%re supposed to be nice to children." +ut your own child' Is it a crime I%m saying." Starchild shrugs, and it messes up the tension relief I was trying to get to her upper shoulder. I might google that later tonight, $ust to see." Wouldn%t that be se:y," she says, if we both went to $ail." I love when you fart," I say. 8ood, because I%ve got another couple stored up in there." Well don%t hold onto Lem9" She farts. #gain I feel it on my testicles, and then her beautiful smell. &id you $ust say wouldn%t it be se:y if we went to $ail'" If we both went." Se:y'" The way we would look on T,. +oyfriend and girlfriend, both charged with the same crime, forced apart by the #merican criminal $ustice system." 0ou sound like a T, announcer." We%d both be dressed in their clothes and we%d be in handcuffs even when we were in court." We could probably be charged for a crime in )orinne%s case too. Some type of assault or battery. If she decided to turn us in." +ut she%ll never do that, she%d be too embarrassed. She wouldn%t want to tell them what the crime was. <h, officer, my friends removed my hymen'" I wonder if they%d charge us even if )orinne said she was down. They can do that, you know, charge you with a crime even when the victim doesn%t want charges to be brought. They did that with 6oman 2olanski. The se: victim totally wants the court action to stop, but they keep charging him anyway." .or what' 6ape'" 6ape, yeah." &o-gooder cops." 0ou should do a movie about cop killing." If you write it." I could do that. )ould you get it made'" In this town, probably. I mean !#." 0eah. They%d probably make anything if you were in it." That%s pretty much how it works." 7ame above title." 7ame above title, baby." I don%t believe I%m dating you." Is that what we%re doing' &ating'" I feel like reaching into your butt right now and pulling some shit out." 8o ahead." Is there any shit up there'" I don%t know, I can%t tell." I scoot down on her legs and spread her cheeks. Then I put one finger in er butthole, all the way in, and I scrape my fingernail around the inside of her rectum. +e careful." #m I hurting you'" # little. It%s ok." I pull out the finger. There is (ero shit on it. 0ou have a clean rectum." We should get a rectal thermometer, then you can stick that up my ass." 3k, I%ll have !ancPme order us one." 1ave her get two, $ust in case we break one." )an you imagine, a rectal thermometer breaking off in your ass' Shit." 0ou could probably force it out." 0eah but not if it broke off deep inside. 0ou%d have to go to the emergency room. My sister works in an 56. She tells me these stories. !ike women coming in with coke bottles stuck up their pussies. They were masturbating with them and then the bottle created a seal, so they can%t get it out." What do they do, break the bottle'" 7o, they can%t break the bottle Lcause it might cut them, then, inside their puss." I like it when you say Lpuss.%" Well get used to being happy, then, because I%m going to be saying puss *uite a lot. 2uss is one of my favorite words. I like everything about puss. 2uss is my best friend. I like to fuck puss. It e:cites me to stick my dick in puss. I like to lick puss. I like to eat puss almost as much as I like to eat butt. 2uss is no

123

substitute for butt. +utt is no substitute for puss. 2uss makes me happy =" 3k, I get it. Thank you Mr. &idactic." 0ou%re welcome, Miss. <sing the Wrong Word." What' I thought didactic meant=" 7ot the right word." 0ou%re on page one hundred-fifty now, how does it feel'" I feel confused." 1ow'" I don%t know why I%m writing this book, am I doing it because I really like shit and wanted to make a tribute to it' I think dirt is important, you know, it%s like one of the ma$or elements of the world, it%s a big part of what we do, is get rid of shit, turn shit into usable elements, it fertili(es our gardens, and we hide it so much in this culture, I $ust thought it might be nice to put shit out there for everyone to see. 2lus I like picking your butt." I%ll let you pick it again when it%s ripe." 2lease do, I%d like to rape your shitty butt." What if you fucked me so hard I bled'" In your butt'" 0eah, shit and blood." I would like that, definitely." My dick starts to get hard. I%m going to rape your shitty butt." 6ape my shitty butt." I%m going to rape your shitty butt." 0eah." )an we do it for real, like with masks and (ip-ties and everything'" Sure." We can'" Sure." #hh9 I%m so e:cited. I%m going to rape your butt." My shitty butt." &o we still have e:tra shower curtains'" #sk !ancPme." 6ight. 3f course." Is your dick hard'" 0es." I thump her with it. I wish you could rape me right now. I mean you can, but there wouldn%t be any shit on it." !et%s pretend that you%re shitting on me to try to get me to stop raping you, but I keep raping even through the shit." That%s good. 5:cept we%re not going to be pretending, because I really will be shitting on you." I guess that part won%t be pretending." 7o. Who came up with this idea, you or me'" 2robably you." I can%t remember." I get to rape your butt," I sing. +utt rapist. 0ou can go to $ail for being a butt rapist, you know." 3nly if you tell. I%m gonna hold your head down when I do it." #nd you%re going to wear a mask'" 0eah, a real scary one." Starchild gets the shivers. I run my hands down her back once they%ve passed. 0ou%re gonna rape my butt," she sings. Then I slap her ass real hard. That. 6eally. 1urt." Sorry, I $ust had an impulse." I like the impulse but maybe not *uite as hard ne:t time." Sorry baby9" &on%t worry about it, $ust kiss it and make it better." So I kiss her ass, and I%m licking, and I%m biting GgentlyF and I%m spreading her cheeks wide and eating her butt. Starchild doesn%t have the same reaction to butt-eating as I do. She doesn%t cry. +ut she makes these little ah" sounds that I love to hear, $ust the lightest little ah." #nd she grips the pillow. Those delicate hands, holding on so she doesn%t evaporate. Sweet starchild, thank you for being mine. Sweet starchild, you are everything I want, and more. Sweet starchild, come to me and never go away. GI%m still eating her butt, by the way, I%ll tell you when I stop.F GStill eating her butt..$ust thought I%d mention that.F GStill eating her butt, I%ll let you know when I stop.F GStill eating her lovely butt.F 0ou know when you lay eyes on some sweet, sweet young thing and you $ust think to yourself4 I%d do anything for her, I%d eat her asshole. That was the kind of sweetness starchild was. It was a privilege to eat her asshole, to be allowed to touch it. 0ou didn%t care what you were doing because that pussy was so sweet. 1ave I described, ade*uately, starchild%s pussy' Should I insert a chapter at the beginning of this book describing, in detail, the star puss' 3r can you use your imagination and e:trapolate outward from the general concept of starchild and $ust know what her pussy must be like' I am

124

going to hope for the latter, for I don%t want to engage in any forensic description of pussy. 0ou either have one or you%ve played with someone else%s, and you know that pussy can get sweet and then pussy can get sweet. 3r you haven%t ever had pussy in which case I say4 what are you doing reading this book 8o out and get yourself some pussy, son. 0ou can read this later, when you%ve had your fill of pussy and you really want to sit back and read about shit. 8ot me' Starchild has star puss. That%s really the best way to say it. 1er puss is a star, $ust like she is a star, $ust like everything she touches is a star. I forgot about cocaine there for a moment. -neeling here, eating starchild%s butt GI%m still eating her butt9F I forgot that we have cocaine in the house, I forgot that we have alcohol, I was taken from those thoughts by these new thoughts of star puss. Starpuss consumed me. I was eating her butt but thinking of her puss and I got completely lost so lost that I made a run-on sentence. So lost that I forgot about cocaine and alcohol. &idn%t even need them. They weren%t even in my world. Starpuss. Starpuss. Tender child. 0ou let me wreck you, and I wreck that pussy, wreck it up one side and down the other. Tear that pussy up. !ittle girls, little girls, I hope you%re reading this virginally thinking, that%s what he wants to do to my pussy'" about your boyfriends and future boyfriends. 0es, he wants to tear. That. 2ussy. <p. &o you like the idea of being torn' 8et used to it, for this idea will be with you day and night, this idea will follow you to your grave. Tear you up. 6ipping. Teeth. ,iolence eats you. In short, we want to take your pristine state and shred it, make your come to the dirty side, the side that makes messes of you, fuck your period blood right out of you, cum in you, on you, cum everywhere. )um in your pretty little mouth. &esecrate you. Take what is sacred, and fuck it. GI%m still eating starchild%s butt. I%ll tell you when I%m done eating it.F Starchild had that kind of pussy, but I never got to see it desecrated, I was too late and someone had already raped that out of her at five. Tough life. 1ard to be a star. I liked to cum inside of her, though=can you blame me' With a pussy that si(e, I could fill her up with cum, it ran out the sides. .ill her up like a cup. She let me put in and take out her menstrual cup and it was one of the most satisfying things I%ve done as a man. To be invited to do that, to be invited in. To girl stuff. I have huge balls and the gargantuan mother called on me to save this planetary 5arth. /ust wanted to mention that. GI%m still eating her butt.F I have saved one of you from the usual peril to serve here as my aide. Want something une:pected' Turn the page. I was wandering in and out of consciousness for a while, there, no one held my hand. The doctor said he was not a psychiatrist but he thought a little inpatient time would be in order. I agreed, and I walked out of my life for a week. I walked out of my whole life a lot earlier, though, walked out of my $ob and walked out of my car and walked out of my girlfriend and walked out of my friends. 0ou can $ust walk away, leave everything, walk. I recommend it. 8o cra(y. Stop following the rules. +ecome your own path. #nd then I was licking starchild%s butt with manic fren(y, sticking my tongue inside it, spreading her cheeks wide. If a butt could cum, I was going to make this one cum. What kind of life will starchild have as an adult' I was stopping licking her now, stopping eating her butt GI told you I would tell youF. #nd the look on my face was that of the radiant child, my hair going every which way and I was a prophet on a mission to bring a message of love to this

125

one person, and licking her butt was the way to do it. I licked every inch of that butt I could get to with a tongue and the parts I couldn%t get at with a tongue, I got at with fingers. Wove myself inside of her ass, I was a regular inhabitant there, would feel the plush inner walls of her rectum and imagine their red color. I saw it as a kind of sitting room for my fingers. 6eaching inside her, pressing into the softness that is cavity for her shit, I became a parasitic part of her, needing to reach inside her mouth, her vagina, her ass. Those were my places on her, and her ears and her nose, whose contents I picked out with my fingers and ate. To eat her ear gunk, to eat her boogers, was part of the privilege of being with starchild. I wasn%t about to let that pass me up. !ook up women who spray" on the internet. .igure out which hole that comes out of. &rink it. &rink the trail that your lover leaves. #nd when you go to sleep at night, tell yourself that this was all a fantasy, that it never happened, that I made it up. 0our neighbors aren%t really doing shitplay, they $ust like to think about it in books. #nd what if you are looking at your shit one day, and decide to reach your hands in and touch it before you wash up. What if, then' #re you one of us, one of the dirty, dirty shitplayers' 0ou might be closer than you think. If you%ve ever tried intra-anal photography, that%s simply a gateway activity to shitplay. So consider that before going into intra-anal photography. It doesn%t e:ist. There%s no such thing as intraanal photography. <nless you google it and find something, then it does e:ist and there are special cameras you use for it. +ut I mean as far as reality is concerned, there%s no such thing. !et%s talk reality for a moment. I%ve never googled intra-anal photography" and have no interest in doing so. I%ve never done any of the things in this book, I%m $ust making it all up9 That%s why it%s called fiction, people9 So don%t go starting anal clubs and eating people%s shit $ust because you read about it9 +ut I know you, you won%t listen to me, you%ll make anal clubs anyway, you%ll start eating hymens and doing shit enemas in /apan first, then the <nited States. Shitplay will become the ne:t dancing. #nd shitfucking will become something that women want done to them by their lovers, and shower curtains will be purchased en masse. I%m not stupid. I know how you are. 0ou might start by sticking your fingers up your butt, you might try an anal dildo, but it will start, from the edges, an obsession with shit. 2lay with it, eat it, coat your loved ones in it. &ry it and smoke it for all I care. /ust be in the game. &on%t let it pass you up. I remember my first shitplay, it was with a girl named Sarah. I was in the eighth grade and she was a $unior in high school, and my parents thought she was too old for me. +ut she did show me a few things, aside from being the first person to suck my dick, she showed me shitplay in the shower, and I was instantly a fan of feeling shit shoot out of her ass. I rubbed it on her breasts, and she was proud of me. 1er parents were a lot more liberal= they didn%t care if we had se:. +ut I wondered where she had learned how to do it, if one of her parents was a shitplayer. I never knew, but that%s what set me up, was putting my hands over her butt and feeling the shit come out through my fingers. !ater I shit in her mouth, and then she sucked my cock. She was the first girl I ever shitfucked, and it was like she was making me do it, forcing me to shitfuck her. My dick gets hard $ust thinking about Sarah, even though she married young and went off to live in Seattle. I wonder if she shitfucks her husband, or if that was $ust

126

between me and her. I remember her crying when I shitfucked her, and saying, 3h yes 3h yes 3h yes yes yes yes9" when she came. Sarah came like a champion. I could get her off with two fingers in a minute flat. 7ow she%s in Seattle with that loser. If I could I%d send her a care package with a nice sealed bag of shit $ust to remind her of our time. I could send her a package of starchild%s shit, and be like, this is really from starchild, the starchild. #nd she would be impressed that I had captured starchild%s shit, she would understand the meaning of that more so than my shitless family members, my shitless mother and shitless sisters and my *uestionable shit father who, in his rituals and routines around bathroom time, and his sub$ecting us all to his shitting, might have a shit%s chance in shit. +ut my sisters were shitless, no *uestion, and my mother was shitless, no *uestion, and I had turned out the only shitful sibling of the three. I like to look at baby pictures of me and think of that child growing up to be the shitful me that I am today. That kid became me. +ut I was always shitful, from the moment I was born. #lways loved to play with it, never had an appropriate relationship with potty training. It was as if potty training had cut off from me some essential part of my play routine, which was, simply, playing with and eating my own shit. That grew me into this adult, which, when met with a counterpart such as starchild, who had her own shit issues, goes cra(y with the possibilities. So as much as I%d like to play cool, I really do eat shit Gin small amounts on some occasionsF, I really do like to shitfuck, and I have every intention of eating )orinne%s hymen. It%s $ust a special thing we can do together, mark the occasion. 1er hymen is going to get destroyed one way or another, we might as well cut it out with an U-#cto knife and eat it..that%s a better treatment than she would get from a man fucking it out of her, leaving it all hanging and torn. #nyway it doesn%t matter what you think, we%re eating )orinne%s hymen for sure. Wash it down with a little milk, swallow what you can%t chew, taste that privy little part of her vagina. Then GhopefullyF I%ll get to fuck )orinne, she will be a little gift from starchild to me, a slave offering. I am hardly as obsessed with virginity as I used to be, but the idea still entrances me, and if I get to fuck )orinne for the first time that would be nice. Make up for mistakes of the past. I hope )orinne cries when I do it to her, when I make that first incision, I hope the can%t stand the pain and asks me to stop, while I keep going, cutting into her most delicate part. Starchild can hold her down Ghere, lean backF while I do it, maybe stick a knife to her neck to force her to be still, and we%ll cut out her little pearl. )orinne, does this feel better' &o you feel lighter' )ut up her pussy and eat out that little munchkin. )ut up her clitoris if we%re feeling lucky. !eave no trace of her9 Starchild cuts her neck and I cut her puss and we leave her in a slump on the operating table. )orinne, )orinne, come to me, you%d never tell, right, that we did this to you' It%s in your confidentiality agreement with starchild. 1ow se:y you are to fuck in nail polished hands, my hands on your wrists delicately. .eel that tight cunt almost coming out of its socket when I pull back out of you, that%s that virgin pussy, pink walls gripping my dick. That%s my big dick tonight, we pull that one out for hate fucks. 1ate fuck )orinne. 1ate fuck )orinne. The formula is perfect, don%t *uestion it, don%t go back, $ust continue on the way you have been cumming all this time. It was meant to work. 0ou%re supposed to have an orgasm. That%s

127

part of the formula. If you don%t have one I%ll give you your money back. 3r a life on pills, one tiny one of which makes it impossible to cum, and you%re locked in a life with no cumming, until someone as sick as starchild comes along and the fucking is $ust that good that you can even cum on pills. )ome to think of it, I have an aunt and uncle who are shit fiends. Might have picked up a few pointers from them at a young age. What%s left for starchild and I, after what we%ve done' +ondage' &rugs' I%d rather shitplay with that little mouse than do any of that other weird stuff. .uck her on drugs' Who cares. Sadomasochism' .orget it. 6oleplaying' I%d rather have my finger up her butt when she takes a shit. !et her shit on my cock after we finish fucking. Make shit pi((a where that%s one of the toppings. I%m sold. I%ve found my game. #nd sure there was the fun of corrupting an unsuspecting citi(en but I preferred going it with someone who already knew the ropes, who had come to me shitting and was shitting from the first day. I liked that starchild wasn%t a virgin and I thought me and her should open a pi((a restaurant where the pi((a sauce was human feces. We would have a little plastic baby that we would place in the middle of each pi((a to represent 3live and baby shit. Shit 2i((a, we would call it. I thought human feces in the sauce made more sense than shit being one of the toppings. )an you imagine, though' 0our favorite toppings, a wonderful thin crust, and between them, tomato sauce mi:ed with human feces. /ust enough shit to add flavor, without making the pi((a inedible. We%d add lots of garlic to the sauce to cover it. #re there health code regulations specifically saying you can%t add shit to food' There will be, the minute we open our restaurant, you know it. Surely someone%s tried that before. If not, shame on us. I can%t get to sleep tonight. Starchild%s lying ne:t to me, reading a maga(ine and playing word games on her phone. The coke is out, and I%m thinking of having another line, by some reverse-psychology method of making myself tired. If I do another line, I might have to shit again, and shitting is so sad when I $ust do it normal, when I $ust flush it down. I want to save every batch and do something special with it, even if it%s $ust feed it to )orinne. My bowels start to move, $ust thinking about the cocaine. I get up and go to the bathroom. Turn on the light, sit on the pot. I%m thinking about my dad and his same-time-every-day shit routine, and I%m shaking my head. In .reud%s theories, what must have happened to my dad to get stuck in such an obsession' Was he stuck in the shit phase, where you get pleasure from withholding and e:pelling feces' What caused him to get stuck there' I didn%t know, and I wouldn%t get the chance to ask, since my father and I weren%t speaking. So I took my shit, and it was disappointing and li*uidy, I thought because of the /ohn &oes we%d been drinking. I stood there staring it at for a full five minutes, thinking of )orinne%s clitoris and wondering whether she had ever clit-masturbated with it. I thought about sharing my shit with starchild but declined. If tomorrow was to be the big day with )orinne and 3live then everybody could probably use a break from shit tonight. I wanted to check in on )orinne, wish her a nighty-nighty, but it seemed too creep-like so I declined. 7o, wrecking starchild%s ass would be all I would do tonight, I would stay in my defined compartment and stick to the asshole of one I knew. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands, brushed my teeth, and went back to the bedroom to do another line of coke off the nightstand. 0our friend has

128

good blow." 0eah, thanks for sharing." 7o problem," she says, and I tackle her, turning her over and reaching for her anus. I%ve got you9" #hh9" I tear into her flesh, spreading her cheeks and biting her on the asshole. 3www9" 0ou%re mine9" I tongue her asshole and get a couple fingers inside it. Is this e:citing you' If it is you might want to consider the possibility that you%re se:ually sick. &on%t worry, you%re in good company, $ust find like-minded foes and get down to ripping some asshole open. 6ip it open like I ripped into starchild%s, taking what is mine from her, owning her asshole, fingering it deep and holding her down by her legs. I own your asshole9" +e *uiet9 )orinne is sleeping9" What do you care'" #hh9 8et off me9" I own your asshole. It%s mine. I can tear into it. I can eat your butt anytime I like and your butt will submit to my mouth, do you hear that, your butt will submit to my mouth99" 0es sir." I super-lick her asshole, a million times a second, and she s*uirms. +am9 I super-lick her again then I reach into her pussy and feel how wet she is. 3ooh." I stick my fingers up inside her, still super-licking her ass, and start fingering her like a madman. That%s what I%m gonna do to this bitch, I%m gonna super-lick her asshole and finger her like I $ust got out of +ellevue until she cums in her pussy and then I%m gonna choke-fuck her until she cums again with little o:ygen to the brain then I%m gonna flip her over and fuck her tiiiiiiiiiiny little stinkhole. Say I win." 0ou win." Say I win9" 0ou win9" +reathless. Then we%re doing coke again and I wonder if this girl would like it if I sent her to the hospital. If I hit her that hard, if I raped her asshole too intently. I want to bruise her, bruise her pussy, bruise her neck, bruise her face. +ut I don%t for now, I leave her intact, though it%s brewing right under the surface that I would $ust go wild on her and beat the shit out of her. That%s what I%m thinking as I lie in bed ne:t to her, playing her word games and reading her maga(ine. What if I beat the shit out of her, mess her up so she can%t do any more movies' Wouldn%t that be a nice little gift from your lover. #nd I%m wondering if there%s something in this cocaine that%s making me like this because I don%t normally want to beat starchild up. Maybe it%s that I%ve been with her long enough that she can become a despised ob$ect, something to hate. They say familiarity breeds contempt and I have certainly seen it. 8rab that phone out of her hand and beat her with it. Who%s playing word games now' +ut I refrain, because I don%t want to do $ail time, which isn%t the best reason but sue me, I%m human. Starchild, what would you think if I beat you to within an inch of your bloody life'" Starchild looks over at me. I%d say somebody..has had too much cocaine. Is that it'" I%m laughing. I don%t know but it%s two-thirty." So'" So we have a big day tomorrow." I%m not ready to go to sleep yet. 0ou go." I can%t. I%ve had too much coke." -now your limits there, big boy." Is my asshole safe if I go to sleep ne:t to you tonight'" I don%t think so. Starchild, I am going to be eating your asshole until the day you break up with me." &on%t talk like that9 I%m not breaking up with you9" I%m $ust saying. Watch your corn hole. Watch your corn hole." I%m wearing panties to bed." Won%t matter, I%ll $ust rip them off you." 0ou%re scaring me a little bit." 8ood. Why should everything be so safe' I want to scare you." Well you are. 7ow don%t go beating me to within an inch of my life and if you want to eat butthole, ask nicely and we%ll see." <nacceptable." She puts down her phone. She starts crawling on top of me. #m I going to have to

129

discipline you' &o you need to be knocked back into line'" She slaps my face, hard. &id you like that'" I turn the other cheek to her. She slaps that one. My hands are rising to her face and she%s grabbing my arms, keeping them away from her. &on%t. 2unch. Me." I get free of her grip and my arm is threatening to go for her. She grabs it again. &on%t be punchin% on me or I will break up with you." /ust a tiny one'" 7o. !isten up. #re you listening to me' 7o punches." Why." +ecause I said so. +ecause you need to have some limits set for you, you think everything is your right." So it%s not even that you reall don%t want to be punched=" 3f course I want to be punched by you, baby. I $ust think you get to do whatever you want too much, you%ve gotten used to this lifestyle where you can do drugs or slack off or not work or fuck my little girl friends and I don%t think it%s good for you to have no limits like that." I work. When have I ever not worked'" &o you think maybe your work would improve if you weren%t drinking all the time'" 7o." Well give it a try sometime, see how it works out for ya." +itch." What''" 0ou heard me. Slap me again." 7o, I think you want me to slap you." What%s wrong with that'" She%s getting my dick hard and *uick sits on it with her pussy. I think it%s better if we talk like this." I do too. I prefer to talk this way with you." When we%re all..connected up, things seem to go better." Tiny fuck me. /ust..baby fuck me..please." She rocks gently on me, hardly moving. 7ow. We%re gonna start by setting you some limits. 0ou can%t punch me." What about )orinne'" 0ou can%t punch her either." 3k, no punching. I can agree to that." )an you'" If you let me eat your asshole." 0ou%re allowed=you%re allowed to eat my asshole only when I give you permission." !ike verbal permission'" ,erbal permission, yes." 3h, that sucks. I $ust want to $ump into you and do my thing." That%s what it is about you, you%re doing your thing nearly all the time." So are you." That%s different, I%m a superstar." 3h9 3h9 It%s different when you do it'" 0es=" Why'" &on%t *uestion me. /ust listen. #sshole licking only with permission. <nderstood'" <nderstood. .or how long'" <ntil I say different." What else'" What else is no scamming on )orinne. This thing tomorrow is strictly business, between you and me. &on%t go catching feelings for that little ho, she%s got her daddy eyes set on you, I can tell, and I don%t need you encouraging her." +ut I still get to fuck her'" 0eah but it%s business, get it, don%t get all tender with her. .uck her like a porno. &on%t be kissing and getting all intimate like I know you like to do. &eal'" &eal. +ut I still get to cum in her'" )um however you like, $ust don%t be making up elaborate stories in your mind about )orinne and you. I know when that big brain gets cooking, you%re liable to think you%re in love with her after tomorrow." #nything else'" 7o, that%ll be all. /ust consider this your new regimen of following directions, and having a little bit of structure to your wayward life." Will you pussy-fuck me now'" What%s that'" That%s a straight-up pussy fuck, you on top, boom." +oom. 0eah, I%ll do that for you." So she pussy-fucked me, and I came like I wasn%t even on medicine. .illed that little nine-year-old pussy up with cum, it was dripping out the sides. &o you want some more coke'" 0eah, fuck it." &o you want to do some off my ass'" !ie down." So I did coke off her ass, laid that white powder on her butt cheek and sniffed a line. &o you want to do some off my ass'" 7o, but I want to do some off your dick. !ie very still." Starchild sets my

130

dick up on my belly and taps out a rough-looking line of coke. <sing a straw, she does the coke off my dick. # little bit%s left so she wraps it on one finger and sticks it up my asshole. I wonder what that does'" &uh9 It goes into your blood stream. There%s tons of blood vessels up there." )an I stick some coke up your ass'" Sure. See. 0ou asked nicely, now see what you get." I bet it would be easy to overdose like this." 0eah but how much are you gonna stick up there'" 7ot much." I like this new well-behaved you." Well don%t get used to it, I%m not sure how long I can maintain." 3h, poor baby, somebody clipped your wings." #nd on and on like that until it was four in the morning, and e:haustion was starting to outweigh the bu(( we were getting from the coke. I%m lying on my back looking at the te:ture of the ceiling. Starchild is ne:t to me, doing stuff on her phone. She finally tells me that !indsay !ohan is coming tomorrow to discuss the lawsuit and I say won%t that interfere with the )orinneD3live hymen cutting and she says we%ll handle the lawsuit first and then we can get to the )orinneD3live hymen cutting and I say ok, that sounds fine and starchild pets me on my forehead and I like it, like I%m her animal and she%s keeping me in her bedroom. We%re gonna have to drink drinks to get to sleep so I go to the kitchen and make two tall /ohn &oes and bring them back to the bedroom. Then I get two tra(odones from the bathroom and offer starchild one. We take the sleeping medicine with alcohol. I can%t think of anything more I want from starchild at this point, nothing she could offer me se:ually, nothing I need emotionally, no gift of friends, no e:perience, that I%m wanting of. I wonder when our relationship will grow boring. Will I tire of her before she tires of me' Will I tire of her farts and think it%s disgusting that she farts on my testicles' I hope not, but people do tend to grow apart. Will we get tired of our lives, languishing by the pool in !#, knocking around my apartment in 70' Will pools and restaurants and clothing stores become intolerable' Will we die of this privileged e:istence' When I think back to before I made it, there was no starchild willing to play with me, it was hard, it was debt and mental hospitals and moving around the country, and things got better, eventually, and lately it%s been roughly the life I have now, same work, different parameters. # little bit of a name. More money. #s much as I%d like to downplay money as a factor, money is a factor, definitely. 1aving some money is the difference between managing your bipolar in a dirty, disorgani(ed, shitty ghetto mental health clinic and going to a psychiatrist in a nice building and having your mental health managed with dignity and respect in a convenient atmosphere. So yeah, I%m glad for the money. I%m going to do everything I can to make sure I always have it for what I need it for, and if that means selling movie rights to shitty production companies so that I can have the e:tra million dollars, you better fucking believe that I%m doing it. .uck the movie. The movie can be shit. I got paid and I%m still alive. That%s what matters. Starchild is even more set up. 7o one can fuck with her shit. She makes more money than I make in a year, in a weekend. If she wants to, she can get paid to go to parties. 3ne hundred grand for hosting a party in 1ollywood. That%s the kind of money we%re talking about with starchild. #nd that%s small money to her. She doesn%t host 1ollywood parties. That would be below her. #bout the only thing she gets out of bed for is a movie that stars her, and we%re talking tens of millions of dollars. #nd I diddle her asshole. I super-lick

131

her. If her butt could cum I would make it cum. That%s how I approach se: with her pussy4 I make it cum. I make it. It has no choice, it%s like the vibrator on fast speed. I make pussies cum, that%s part of what I was designed to do. I%d like to stick a paintbrush in starchild%s asshole, then she could s*uat over a canvas and paint with her butt. 0ou have to be careful about sticking long things in someone%s butt, however, because you don%t want to puncture the rectum. This would most certainly send you to the 56, and then you%d have some Lsplainin% to do. I%m drinking off my /ohn &oe, waiting for the tra(odone to kick in. I almost take a second one. #nd it feels like we%ve been up forever, even though it%s only been a day. I look at the clock4 five-twenty. &rink more /ohn &oe. !ook over at starchild4 her head is in her phone. I don%t even want to have se: with her again right now, she has satisfied me to the point of tiredness. Mostly I $ust want to fall asleep, and for that I have to wait. )lose my eyes. Sound of starchild%s finger pressing the one button on her phone, the tiniest little s*ueak of a button push. I let out some gas, *uietly, but I know starchild can hear it. &elicately, without my even knowing it, my body rela:es and I start breathing deeply and before you know it, I fall asleep. It%s about noon before we wake up and )orinne has 3live out in the living room, pretending to make her walk, and 3live is laughing and smiling. Starchild, are you ready for the big day'" She turns over in bed. What about you two, ready for the big day'" I%m ready," )orinne says. What about her'" )orinne nods. It%s too much for her to say that 3live is ready for the big day, because )orinne doesn%t e:actly agree of the morality of what we%re going to do to 3live, and I can understand that. 3k," I clap. !et%s get breakfast. 8et ready to go. Starchild, that means you4 get ready to go9 8o9 8o9 I%ll help you9" I pick out clothes for starchild and throw them on her. This..and a little of this.." I put on a pair of her panties and grab my balls, rubbing my scent into them. 0ou%re gonna wear these..conditioned panties..rubbed with the scent of your master." Starchild looks above the covers. She sees what I%m doing and falls back down into bed. 1e%s conditioning my panties9" What'" )orinne says, from the other room. Starchild sits up. 1e%s conditioning my panties9" Starchild stands up and comes to me and pulls the panties down. #re these the ones you want me to wear'" 0es." .ine." She pulls them up on her. #nd these clothes'" 0es. Something in there." Well get dressed yourself, I don%t see you putting any clothes on9" I have to do lines of speed before I get dressed." We don%t have any speed=unless you got some'9" I mean lines of coke." Well do Lem and get dressed. Since you woke me up9" # few minutes later we%re all standing in the living room. )orinne, are you ready for your special lunch'" Mmmhmm." It was supposed to be a special breakfast but now that we woke up so late it%s going to have to be a special lunch. Is everyone ok with that' 3k. 0ou got the boys coming'" They should be outside in a few minutes." Is !ancPme coming'" 0es." 0ou have everything you need for 3live'" Mmm-hmm," )orinne says, looking very satisfied. #re you happy, little girl, that we are going to cut out your hymen today' 1ave you accepted your fate' 8ood little girl. Submitted to our family will, happy to be part of it. 2art of the trick is we gave her plenty of time to get used to the idea, we didn%t $ust spring this on her yesterday. She%s had time to think. #nd in her thinking, she%s come to reali(e GprobablyF that

132

this is $ust as loving if not more so than Gas I said beforeF getting it fucked out of her by GlikelyF some random dude that she%ll never see again. This is at least as caring as that, if unconventional. I hope we don%t in$ure 3live%s pussy too much in the cutting. 2retty sure we can get by on )orinne without too much e:traneous cutting, but with 3live I%m not so sure. Will have to pain-medicine them both up before hand. I%ve got some e:tra ,icodin left over from my kidney stones which we can certainly give )orinne. I%ll have to ask starchild%s permission to give 3live a fraction of a crushed-up ,icodin in her milk. The boys are here." !et%s go." #nd !indsay is coming this afternoon so we might have to postpone our little operation until tomorrow." 3k. Shit. We%ll get that out of the way. 0ou know, if !indsay wins, I%m going to stop writing altogether. What%s the point if you can%t say whatever you want'" &on%t worry, we%ll work it out. 0ou%re getting ahead of yourself. /ust meet with her and see what happens." Thanks for getting her over here." Well she%s not $ust here to see you and me. She was going to be here anyway and I convinced her to give us a couple of hours." Well thanks anyway." Shall we go'" I open the door. The boys are outside, with !ancPme, and the four of us pour into the hallway with them. We go to this diner I like up +roadway, take cabs there, it%s incredible crowded but it%s a fine diner, I think. We put our name in and are standing on the sidewalk, waiting. We do this thing my sister and I used to do when we were kids, which is always put in the name 6oosevelt," no matter who%s in your party. Starchild wears huge sunglasses and I have $ust a little bit of coke I%ve brought with us, $ust in case. 6oosevelt9" We go inside, and it%s so crowded we can hardly get to our table. The hash browns here are e:cellent. With a little hot sauce'9 0um. &o you have a child seat'" )orinne is asking. They bring her one, and we%re set up in two booths right across from each other, the family in one, !ancPme and the boys in the other. I might have another movie soon," starchild says. What' When did you know about this'" /ust yesterday. I mean it might not be shooting for months. +ut. It%s e:citing." Who else is in it'" Well, that%s all yet to be decided. It%s in the early stages.." )ongratulations9 &oes it pay well'" Starchild nods. 8ood for you you, girl." I%d have to go back to !#." I understand." Would you come with me'" 0eah, probably." What do you mean'" 2robably, yeah, I%ll go with you..if you want me to9" 3f course I want you to9" Well I%ll be there." 2robably." I $ust meant=" .orget it. .orget the whole thing. It was important to me, but=" Starchild, please, don%t be like that. I don%t know what I was saying when I said Lprobably,% I $ust=" /ust shut up. 2lease. I%m trying to order." So I shut up. I didn%t like being told to shut up by a starchild, but she did, so I did. I picked out my meal and I watched )orinne play with 3live and thought of how it would be if I was on the outside of this little family we had here. +ack to my pyramid of a few friends that lived mostly in other cities, back to writing my books without starchild in bed ne:t to me. I looked at her, and she still had her sunglasses on, and I put my foot ne:t to hers underneath the table and I hoped for the best. 2robably." I had $ust meant probably, like, who knows, I didn%t mean, look I%ve got this other girlfriend that I%d rather spend my time with. I wanted starchild, who picked my nose and sucked me off in &enny%s, who ordered pi((a like it was going out of style and did coke so perfectly shamelessly that it made me flinch. This was my

133

girl who would shitplay with me, and shitplay with her baby, which made it e:tra sweet. I couldn%t have us breaking up so I rubbed her leg with my foot and hoped that would make things better. She didn%t move, though, kept her face in her menu till the server got there. We all ordered breakfast items, and )orinne ordered a side of applesauce for 3live. !ancPme and the boys ordered burgers and steaks, like our appetite was related to $ob function. Is everything ok'" 7o, no, it%s fine, you $ust had to fuck with me with that one word4 probably." I%ll come with you to !# if you want me there." 3f course I want you there. &o you know nothing about me' I mean=" I%m sorry, baby, I didn%t mean to fuck with you=" It%s ok, I know, I know what you meant=" I didn%t mean anything=" It%s ok, we don%t have to talk about it anymore. )onsider the issue closed. If you want to come with me you will, if you don%t, well.." I%m coming with you to !#, you%ll make your movie, we%ll be together, it%ll be like last time. #ccept that, please." +ut I don%t want to fuck with your writing9" 0ou%re really not. #s long as I have a laptop and a little time to myself, I%ll be writing. 2lus I%m writing all this down in my book, so you%re really helping me with my writing. +aby, let things $ust be ok." +ut what about when 3live grows up'" she says. Will you still have the appetite for shitting on her when she%s three, four' We%ll have to stop thinking of her as a baby at some point." Maybe we%ll $ust e:plain to her, look, 3live, your family is different. This is how we play. We shit on each other. 7ot all families play like this but this is how our family plays. So..here..this is ok. That type of thing." Will that work'" Why not' When she%s four or five we%ll e:plain it to her. There are different types of families." &o you mind being her father'" It%s the most natural thing..when I first met you I didn%t know what that would be like, but it%s the most natural thing, I love it, I promise you, I do. I love that kid like I%d love my own kids. She is my kid9 She is." 3h. 3k, baby. 0ou%re convincing me. 0ou convinced me9 .orget about the Lprobably.% What was said is what was said. It%s done. /ust know how badly I want us to be together. #nd. See if you can find it. In your heart. To be with me." I%m with you, I am." Then what%s your hesitation'" If I have any, it%s probably that..I don%t know if we can communicate the right way..because you%re nine." There is no right way. There is no right way. We communicate." I know we do." +ut you%re holding out for something better. 0ou think that there%s some ideal relationship out there with the right-aged woman, where you can have sophisticated conversations and everything will be perfect=" I don%t know if that%s what I%m waiting for. I don%t want to be reserved with you, I don%t want to hold back. Maybe this is perfect=" It is." Maybe it is." 0ou%ve got to stop thinking in terms of some nebulous future and look at what%s actually going on. 0ou%re actually getting pussy from me. 0ou actually like to spend time with me. We actually have some of the same interests in terms of drugs and shitplay which we can actually make work in our uni*ue family as you called it, our special family. So be here with that, please. We%re both alive and we like each other GI thinkF and we have the ability to be together so why does there have to be any more searching' What else are you looking for' #nother pussy' #nother mind' I let you have other pussy when you want it and the same thing goes for other minds4 call your friends9 I%m not $ealous of that9 1ave your intellectual conversations that you think I wouldn%t get=fuck it9 +ut we

134

have a partnership. &o you want me to have one of your babies' I bet you%d love to poop all over that." I would. I%d love to poop on one of our babies together." We can do that." I looked to )orinne to see what she thought of this last, but she was happily playing with 3live. 0ou%re making me have to poop right now $ust talking about it." Me too." &o you have any of that cocaine'" 0es." +reak me off a little bit, $ust put it in this napkin, I%m gonna go to the bathroom before our food gets here." I think it%s about up." This%ll be *uick, break me off a piece." #nd right when the waiter%s arriving, I%m tapping out a pile of coke for starchild, and she%s getting up from the booth with her hot ass and I%m watching her go toward the bathroom and the waiter lays out our food. 7e:t thing you know starchild is on the phone with !indsay !ohan and it%s all a big rush to get out the door. We all left unfinished food. Then we%re cabbing it back to my place, rushing, trying to beat !indsay there. Wouldn%t want to keep !indsay waiting9 Starchild is saying We have to get there." We have to get there before !indsay !ohan. She deigned to meet with us, only because starchild, but still we have to rush because !indsay%s a bigger star. We get to the apartment fire and in fact it%s a full two hours after the settled-upon meeting time that !indsay finally shows up. !indsay9" Starchild9" What do you want to drink, we have a pretty decent bar." <h. If you have a vodka tonic'" !ancPme. Make her a vodka tonic. We also have coke if you%re interested." 0eah. I%ll do some lines with you." Starchild introduces me to !indsay. 1i." 1i. I%ll get the coke." I leave the two of them on the other side of the living room and go to my $ar on the bookshelf. !indsay%s taking off her sweatshirt getting ready to do the coke. I set a bag out on the mirror and starchild and !indsay are kneeling on either side of the table. I take my place beside starchild. I want to $ust scream4 !ook, there%s two of you, that means starchild can%t be a representation of !indsay !ohan because here they both are, in a room, as separate people9" I want to scream that. +ut no one would be listening if I did. !indsay is chopping off lines like a pro. She has three out and we already have straws for everyone so everyone grabs a straw and goes to it. !indsay sees )orinne holding 3live and says, Wouldn%t that be weird if we gave your baby some coke'" I look skeptically at starchild. 0eah, that would be..weird. &o you like it'" !indsay sniffs. It%s great. &id you get this here'" 0eah, I know a guy." I know a guy too but this is better9" I%ll introduce you. 3r get it off me. We have some e:tra." That%s cool, so let%s talk about this book." )orinne sits with the baby in the living room. !ancPme is in the kitchen. 0eah, basically=do you want to hear about the book'" 3k." The book features a !indsay !ohan character as well as a starchild character who it%s said would be !indsay !ohan if the book was real. I think that%s the problem you%re having a problem with, that starchild would be !indsay !ohan if starchild were real. +ut maybe also with this secondary character who is !indsay !ohan, who comes to my apartment to discuss her problems with the book=" !et%s not assume," she says, that I have any problems with the book. 3k' Tell me more about it." Well. The only reason I had to mention you at all was that you%re the perfect e:ample of a child star, for movies. Someone who grew up in the Mickey Mouse )lub=of whatever. #nd started making movies when you were a child..who%s also grown into an adult movie star. There%s $ust no better e:ample of that for this generation. #nd especially

135

as someone who%s been corrupted by 1ollywood and the pressures of being a star, there is no better e:ample. 0ou even point out that everyone goes through a cra(y phase, it%s $ust that yours was public. I myself have had worse drug problems and psych ward stints than you or +ritney Spears. The difference is no one was looking at me, no one cared that I was falling apart. With a you or with a +ritney Spears, the slightest rumble is detected by the press, photographed, iconified, and burned into permanence. This book deals with a child star who has lost all supervision and thus her ideas about what is normal are..shifted. It%s $ust like you said a minute ago, wouldn%t it be funny if we gave your baby crack. That would be funny, in our unsupervised, unlimited, conscienceless way of living where money has made nearly everything possible and no one%s paying any attention to what we manage to do in private. 0ou might be surprised to find that starchild and I have done similar things, to giving a baby coke, even worse things, some might say." !ike what'" !ike shit on her. !ike pierce her hymen. We punctured her hymen with a sharpened pencil, !indsay, and we want you to be a part of our ne:t activity." I was $ust making shit up. I hoped starchild didn%t mind. We want you to $oin us in a game. We%re playing with=this is )orinne." #nd 3live. I%ve read." We%re going to slice )orinne%s hymen with an U-#cto knife. #nd we%re going to do 3live%s at the same time. We%d like you to be a part of this=" 0ou%re forgetting the most important part." We%re going to eat their hymens. 0es. To share an appeti(er and a breakfast of 3live%s and )orinne%s hymen. Would you like to be part of this'" !indsay snorts another line. Where would that leave us with the lawsuit'" I don%t know. .orget the lawsuit. !et us eat hymen together." 0ou shit on that baby'" 3f course I did." Was it fun'" 0es it was fun. Would you like to try it'" 7o." We can arrange=" 7o. I%m not going to shit on your baby." +ut aren%t you glad we can have this conversation'" <m. I guess'" Starchild, do you want to add anything'" 7o, you%re doing $ust fine." So what about the lawsuit'" What about the lawsuit'" #ren%t you going to try to convince me to drop it'" I was going to do that, I was. Instead I%ve decided to invite you to the hymen-cutting ceremony and possibly a little shitplay." +ut.." This is so much more important, don%t you think'" +ut I%m still going to sue you." That%s fine9 That%s fine !indsay9 8o ahead9 +ut give a little thought to $oining us, tonight, for their hymen-cutting. 3k'" 0ou%re weirding me out." Take a moment. Talk to starchild. I%ll be right over here." I go in the kitchen with !ancPme. Make me a /ohn &oe." See how easy that is' 7ow that you%re used to it. 0ou $ust tell me to do something and I do it. 7o please, no thank you, it%s $ust a simple transaction." I see. Make it a double. I%ve got !indsay !ohan in my house and I%m not gonna waste this moment. I%m going to prevail over this bitch. I%m going to write her into my story and there%s nothing she can do about it. I%m going to incriminate her by making her eat 3live%s hymen and )orinne%s hymen. If I can I%m going to get her to shitplay in my house and we%re going to do enough coke to..well, we%re going to do a lot of coke. 0ou want me to bring you a line, !ancPme' 0ou want that'" 7o thank you." Why not'" &on%t you think someone should stay sober through all of this, so the police don%t show up'" That%s true, if the police came in and we were high on coke shitting on a baby, they might think they needed to intervene and there

136

might be conse*uences for all of us." 5:actly." !ancPme, do you have a problem with what we%re doing'" 7o sir." &o you ever think of selling pictures to TMQ'" 1onestly' 0es. I think about it every day." I think the starchild can increase your pay." &o you think so'" 0es, it%s something I think I could talk to her about. 7e:t time I%m licking her ripe nine-year-old asshole, I%ll bring that up." 1ere%s your drink." I take it. &rink. !indsay !ohan is sitting on my living room floor, starchild across from her, and they blend together for me, and I start thinking that all this time I%ve been with !indsay !ohan, that she and starchild are they same, and I%m waiting for them to merge together in the living room, my eyes blur and they become one, but they don%t. !indsay stays on her side of the table and starchild stays on her side of the table. I go over there with my /ohn &oe. While they%re talking I cut off a very long line and snort it. +aby. #re you going to be ok'" I lie on the couch ne:t to starchild. I%m fine." Starchild%s hands are groping my chest and my stomach, right above the waistline. !indsay I%m glad you could some over9 1elp yourselves to that drink. It%s a double. I $ust wanna get fucking stupid9" !indsay flips back her hair, red like starchild%s, but longer. Well I%m all for that9" She does more coke, starchild does more coke, I lean down and do some more coke, and then it%s all of us in a fren(y, T, on, !ancPme watching from the kitchen, )orinne having taken 3live back to their room, doing coke after coke after coke. We%re all hyper-awake watching this surfing show on T,, it%s $ust shot after shot of waves and nature scenery, surfers. We trance out on that for a while then !indsay asks4 When are we gonna eat her hymen'" We can do it now." 7o let%s wait till tonight," starchild says. #re we really gonna do this'" !indsay asks, reclining back against her chair. 3f course. Would we tease you'" I%m gonna call my lawyer." Why'" +ecause I wanna check something with him." &on%t tell him about the=" Shhh9 1ey, it%s me. With the Temple book, we don%t have to sue them, do we' I mean, I did, but. 7o, I%m $ust meeting with the author=. 0es, I met with him9 Well, I%m thinking we don%t need to have a suit in this case. 6ight' Well I kind of do like him..he%s down to earth. I am telling you. 7o. !awsuit. &rop it. We%re letting this one go. +ye. +ye. I let you off the hook." Me'" 0eah, we $ust initiate a lawsuit automatically in these cases, I don%t even look at Lem until they get above a certain level. +ut I don%t want to sue you." 0ou don%t'" 7o. 2eople can write books using a celebrity name fictitiously, it%s been done forever." Thank you'" 7o problem. /ust. When you write your book, make me seem cool." I think if you participate in )orinne and 3live%s hymen-cutting, you%ll seem cool. !ike a celebrity who truly has no respect for laws and who%ll $ust do whatever the fuck she wants. Is that the kind of image you%re looking for'" 0eah but describe my body, make it se:y." 3k." !indsay stretched her thin frame across my chair and her breasts popped among the landscape. 1er sultry skin demanded a touch and I reached over and touched her, letting the coke guide me. Starchild was spacing out on the couch and I touched !indsay more freely, as if it was ok to be touching the girl who wasn%t my girlfriend. She responded to my touch, and for the first time I thought about what it would be like to fuck this girl. Wanted to see if she and starchild would be up for a threesome, but was worried that !i!o might not be into the scat shit we would normally include. I didn%t want to

137

startle her by reaching around and digging up her butt for a shit sample. 2utting it in the sample cup for safekeeping. That tiny fork that seems to have been designed for eating the most lu:urious delicacy. So I pulled my hands back from !indsay and focused on the coke, cutting lines, snorting lines, owning my house, owning the two bitches that sat ne:t to me, and !ancPme the chaperone, owning her too in a different way. !ancPme would do anything we said. If we said, !ancPme, we%re going to cut this baby%s right arm off" !ancPme would say, I%ll watch over you and keep you safe while you do it." #nd I wanted to cut that baby, cut that baby more than we had already done and I hoped my lust would settle for the hymen-cutting and that would be that. I felt like a scammer touching !indsay%s body like that, so I stopped. I had never really wanted to have se:ual relations with her, not as a primary form of relationship. I got up and went to !ancPme. We need a shower curtain in my bedroom, I need you to get us an U-#cto knife and some disinfecting wipes, like from a first aid kit." That%s it'" 0eah." 3k, I%ll be right back." I look over and !indsay and starchild are both on the couch, touching each other. !indsay strips down to her panties, and strips starchild down to hers as well. )heck on )orinne before you go." 3k." I go to sit in one of my living room chairs, facing the couch. I watch for a while and then say, why don%t you lick each other%s assholes'" !indsay strips starchild%s panties off, turns her over, lifts her butt in the air, and proceeds to lick starchild%s asshole. My dick gets hard. Starchild, hold your shit in." I%m holding." &o you have to shit'" !indsay asks. Starchild nods vigorously. !indsay sticks her finger inside starchild%s asshole, not very deep. &o you like shitplay'" I ask. 3f course," !indsay says, and I knew it, I knew it, I knew she must be cool. She was already on it before we introduced it to her. !et%s go to the bathroom," I say. 7o, I want to shit on your couch." !indsay, would you convince her that it would be better if the three of went into the bathroom and she could have her shit there'" 7o," !indsay says. I agree. She should shit right here on your couch." )an%t I put a shower curtain down' #t least'" I%m about to let go9" &o it. Shit all over my hand, starchild." Wait. !et me get my camera." 7o pictures," !indsay says. Strict rule. &on%t take any pictures of me." 3k. 7o problem." #re you ready baby'" 0eah, let it go." 3h, my couch9" 1ere goes..wait." Starchild looks at me. I%m $ust kidding, I wouldn%t shit on your couch." Then she lets out the hugest shit, and it%s bubbling and crumbling out her ass and !indsay has her hands all in it. It bubbles onto the couch and all over !indsay%s knees. !indsay stands, and rubs her hands on starchild%s back. She%s covered in shit. #re you all done'" 0es..wait." #nother gurgle of shit comes out of her ass. Starchild stands. +e careful on your way to the bathroom." #ww," starchild says. &on%t talk to me that way, I $ust shat for you." #nd she rubs her hands along her sides and then touched my face, both of my cheeks imprinted with her shit. 7ow why did you go and do that'" So you%ll have to shower with us." I get up. Then it%s me and !indsay and starchild in the shower. Sorry about your panties. If you want I can send !ancPme to get you another pair." 7o, that%s ok. I have someone I can send. 1ow long have you been into shitplay'" Since we met." 0eah, I guess..four months'" .our months together, I think each of us had had our forays into it before, but when we got together it really got kicked into action." 1ow

138

long have you been into it'" #bout a year. Some friends of mine introduced me to it, and I%ve been into it ever since." That%s cool." 7o one knows about it, though, so don%t tell anyone." &on%t worry, we keep secrets." 0eah, you don%t have to worry about him. 1e%s cool." 3k, good." 2lus, we want you to keep our secret, about what we%re going to do with )orinne and little 3live." Whatever you ask, I will keep a secret." !indsay, you want to $ust put on some of my clothes." Sure, I%ll get..comfortable." !indsay comes out in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Starchild is all cleaned up. I%ve thoroughly wiped down and cleaned the couch, and we%re all $ust watching T, and snorting coke, waiting for !ancPme. So you%re going to cut their hymens'" 6ight." Why'" #s a form of intimacy, since we%re going to eat them." Will you have enough for three'" We%ll cut )orinne%s into three, for sure. With 3live%s, it may be like we $ust get the tiniest flap of skin off there, so it%s harder to say. We%ll try." 0ou%re not recording anything'" What do you mean'" 0ou don%t have hidden cameras in your house or anything'" 7o, definitely not." 3k. L)ause. That would be bad." There are no hidden cameras," starchild confirms. 1ow did you find this girl )orinne'" 1ired her in !#. )raigslist. !ancPme found her." What did you say, like, L!ooking for a girl to cut off her hymen'%" 7o, we were looking for a nanny. That%s what I hired her as. We thought of the hymen thing later." #nd how did you spring it on her'" I don%t remember. I think we $ust suggested it, and let her have some time to think it over, you know, get comfortable with the idea." #nd she got comfortable with it'" 0eah, she%s accepted it now, like her mother told her that in a month she would have to go off to school instead of stay home, she%s accepted it as her fate, as the fate of her technical virginity, and accepted that we%re going to be the people to bring it to her." She did cry." She cried, but it was more of an acceptance cry, I think, like, ok, this makes as much sense as anything, so let%s do it." 0ou have some fascinating hobbies, starchild. 0ou too. 0ou two are tripping me out with this shit. Makes me want to get some slaves of my own." 0ou already have them." I guess." /ust then !ancPme came through the door. )ome check what I have because I%m not sure what kind of knife you wanted. I got several." I%m up in the kitchen. !et me see." 1ere, see'" 3h, yeah, this is the one. 6ight here. )lassic U#cto. Someone was stabbed in my grade school with one of these. 2erfect, )orinne." &o you want me to take the rest back'" 7o, keep Lem. We%ll find some use for those." 1e wants to cut off my clitoris," starchild says. 7o I don%t." #dmit it, it%s true." Thank you !ancPme. This is what I could find for disinfecting wipes." !et me see. +rilliant. L-ills ??.?[ of bacteria on hard surfaces. +leach free.% )ool. 0ou%re a champ, thank you for this stuff. &o I need to get you, or..'" It%s on starchild%s card. #nd don%t thank me." I forgot, I got so e:cited." #re we ready to do this or what'" !et%s go." #lright. !ancPme, get )orinne to come into my bedroom." &o we need a shower curtain'" 7ot unless anyone is planning on shitting on me while I cut out their hymen9" /ust asking." 7o shower curtain. /ust a towel to lay down to catch any blood, should be enough." I%ll get that and move )orinne." 8ood. !adies, ready to eat some hymen'" Starchild and !indsay are grabbing last lines of coke and making their way towards my bedroom. )orinne has 3live in her arms and is bouncing her. #re we gonna do her first'" 0es," I say,

139

setting the disinfecting wipes ne:t to the towel !ancPme has placed on my bed. )orinne lays 3live down and takes off her diaper. Starchild, you want to do this one and I%ll do )orinne' 3r, how do you want to do this." 0eah, that sounds good. 8imme that thing." She takes the U-#cto knife from me and removes its plastic tip protector, places it on my dresser. 3live is looking up at us like, 1i. 1ere I am. 1ow are you'" and smiling and waving her arms. Starchild kneels at the edge of the bed. She places the knife down beside the towel and uses both hands to smooth down 3live%s legs. They%re naturally spread. Starchild pulls open 3live%s vulva and peers at the tiny parts. 3k, I see what we%re doing. 1old her legs." !indsay !ohan takes one of the girl%s legs and I take the other. We gently hold her legs out of the way so starchild can see. She picks up the knife and goes into the baby%s tiny hymen, goring it with the knife point. She cuts upward, severing it in two pieces. I don%t have it. I lost it. 7ow you see'" It%s ok, $ust cut each piece out and place them here. Starchild leans in super-close to the vulva so she can see it. She cuts across and over on one of the halves of the hymen, bringing the knife up and away. I got it9" She has it on the tip of the knife. 2ut it down9 2ut it down9" She puts the knife down. I grab it and wipe off the tiny hymen fragment, on the towel. 7ow get the other piece9 0ou%re doing well9" 3f course all this time 3live was crying and )orinne was standing in the corner of my room with her arms crossed. Starchild cut out the other hymen fragment, deftly, ama(ingly, she was very good. I knew I would have an easier time of it with )orinne%s much larger hymen, and I was proud of starchild for taking the lead on 3live. 3live%s screaming as starchild grabs one of the disinfecting wipes and taking it to 3live%s bloody vagina. Who%s going to get it'" starchild is asking. I only got two pieces." We%ll figure it out." I could maybe grab a third piece if I go back in there." Starchild is wiping the bloody vagina. 7o," !indsay says. 0ou two have it. 0ou%re her parents. I can wait." #re you sure that%s ok'" 0eah, go ahead. I%m $ust going to grab another line of coke while you do that. +e right back." So I pinch one of the fragments in my fingers and cheers starchild once she has hers in hand. To us," I say. #nd she says, To us." To our meeting and our relationship and to everything that%s to come." We both put our hymen in our mouth. It%s too small to chew, so you have to $ust roll it around in your mouth a bit and swallow. I rolled mine around in my mouth for a good while, as I didn%t want to forget this moment. Then I moved it to the center of my tongue and swallowed. Starchild swallowed too, and now it was )orinne%s turn. !indsay came back in the room. 0ou ready'" she says to )orinne. )orinne, big eyes, unfolds her arms and un(ips her $eans and pushes off her $eans and her panties and leaves them on the floor. She steps into position, sits on the towel, then lies back. She has her legs spread and her pussy lips partially spread because of this. I take two fingers on each side and spread her open. There it is, her precious hymen, the translucent kind, half moon across the bottom of her hole. I put my finger a tiny bit of the way into her, resting on top of her hymen. I press down. It%s taut. I pick up the knife. !indsay kneels beside her and pets her on her head. Starchild follows suit. )orinne'" 0eah." Wow. #re you absolutely sure you want me to do this'" &on%t ask me that9 I already prepared myself. /ust cut it *uick, I don%t want to be in a lot of pain." 3k. Thank you for letting me do this to you." Stop

140

thanking everyone and $ust cut it out of me9" So I did. I went in, held her steady with my left hand, and my right hand resting on her ass I made three cuts4 down, across, up. There was instant blood, and I set the hymen down on the towel and went for the disinfectant wipes. I pulled one out and rubbed it all over her vagina, more than I had to, touching her clit and everything. My dick was so hard by the time we got the thing out of her that I forgot we were going to eat it and I un(ipped my pants and crawled on top of her. 3k'" I asked. )orinne nodded, turned her head to one side, and closed her eyes. I put my dick in her so slow, so gently, but it was tight, and I had to stop for a minute to let her rela:. Then I got it all the way in, and she was still bleeding, and I fucked her, fucked her firm. Starchild had gotten a pair of scissors and cut the hymen into three pieces, which she fed to !indsay, herself, and me, while I was still on top of )orinne. This one was bigger, and you could really get the taste of it and there was plenty to gnaw on and I got an e:tra special kick out of gnawing on )orinne%s hymen while my dick was in her vagina, pressing her, pushing her, leaning on her. Then I held her by the back of the head and I went at it, fucking her fast and not stopping and finally cumming inside her, then letting her head go and brushing back her hair and looking at her as she opened her eyes, no longer a virgin. In the future everyone has se: with vibrators, so it doesn%t matter. In the future !indsay !ohan goes back on #dderall and it isn%t good for a single person. In the future my imagination grows so big that it surrounds me, and I can%t tell the difference between fact and fiction. !indsay !ohan lounged around the living room chewing on and fingering her piece of )orinne%s hymen. She would put it on the center of her tongue and stick her tongue out, then bring her tongue back in. Starchild had swallowed hers already, and I had ground mine almost to dust before swallowing it. )orinne went to the bathroom to clean my cum up. !ancPme still had 3live. When )orinne came out of the bathroom !indsay spoke to her4 0ou know..kid..you lost your hymen in the perfect way. In the future I e:pect everyone will be cutting out their hymens with U-#cto knives. &on%t you guys'" 0eah, probably." Maybe," I say, thinking that this was something I had to put in my book, to encourage other people to do it. Teenagers re-creating the )orinne hymen scene in their basements. I vowed to write it down the ne:t time I was at my laptop. !indsay, you want some more cocaine'" I%ll do a little more with you but then I have to go. Meeting some people tonight." So we do some more cocaine and then we%re saying our goodbyes, and I regret it%s been so short a visit with the superstar !indsay !ohan. She%s saying how interesting" our visit was and starchild asks her if she might come again sometime and !indsay says definitely." 3nce the door is closed starchild and I are hugging. See'" she says. 0eah, that did it. 7o more lawsuit." I mean4 she%s nice, isn%t she'" She%s nice, yeah, I%m glad we met with her." She wasn%t too

141

hard to talk down off the ledge." 0ou mean the lawsuit'" 0eah." 7o, she was fine, $ust get a little bit of )orinne%s hymen in her, she turns completely reasonable. )orinne. 0ou%re a champ. &id you get all the blood and cum off your legs'" )orinne%s on the living room floor playing with 3live. She gives me the thumbs-up sign. 8reat. !ancPme, why don%t you get us some braised swordfish. 0es. 8et us braised swordfish. 5ven though I%m not sure that it e:ists, find us braised swordfish. Starchild' 0ou in'" She $ust rubs my chest. I wanna fuck, on the couch ne:t to )orinne and 3live, like it is the most normal thing, for us to be fucking right ne:t to them. )an you get hard again'" If you get me hard." +raised swordfish." 0es. !ancPme..go." So starchild and I fuck on the couch, right in front of )orinne and 3live, like it was the most normal thing in the world, to be fucking with our nanny and baby there. It was hard to invent new things to do to keep ourselves entertained, though, after all we had done. I could feel that starchild wasn%t into it. What%s wrong'" 7othing, I $ust=maybe if=)orinne, could you..take your top off. 3r maybe your bottom. )an I see your vagina'" )orinne stood and shuffled down her sweatpants. She pushed down her panties, which had a panty liner in them to catch the blood. )ome here. )an I finger you'" So starchild was fingering )orinne%s very fresh pussy and I was fucking starchild in the ass and fingering her pussyDvagina thing. +ut starchild wasn%t responding. I%d thrust into her and she wouldn%t even push back against me, she was almost limp. What do you want'" I don%t know. It%s falling apart." What is falling apart' )orinne maybe you could spread your legs." The $u$u is falling apart. 0ou know what I mean." #nd I did. I reached over and pulled starchild%s hand out of )orinne%s pussyDvaginaDvulva-type apparatus. I made a motion for her to sit down. I turned starchild all the way around, keeping my dick in her, and brushed her hair back. Starchild shook her head and looked away. 0ou really think the $u$u is falling apart'" I think once we cut out )orinne%s and 3live%s hymens we fucked ourselves9" )an we not talk magical talk'" It%s not magic9 It%s real9 )an%t you feel that'" I ran my hand down starchild%s front. I feel it." Maybe I%m overreacting9" 0ou%re not. I felt it too. While I was fucking )orinne. It%s $ust..different." I don%t think it has to do with the hymens. That is magic talk. I think we%re $ust in that point in our relationship where everything gets boring, you know'" I hate to say I think you%re right, but I think.." )orinne. &oes it feel different to you'" What' The family'" 0es, the family." 0es. It does feel different." Shit." .uck, baby9" +ut maybe what you two need to do is do something even cra(ier, to re-establish the relationship." What%s left'" We could kill 3live9" What''" It%s $ust an idea." 1ow did we get to this point, where I am seriously considering what you $ust said'" I can%t kill 3live. I love 3live." !ittle 3livia, don%t listen to this. This is grown-up talk." Why don%t you cut her some more'" )orinne suggests. Starchild and I look at each other. Starchild 142

speaks first4 7o, I don%t really want to cut her any more, do you'" I shake my head. .uck. This is horrible. This is horrible9" I stand. I%m pacing. Why did I tell !ancPme to get swordfish' I%m an idiot. We%re $ust entertaining ourselves with all this crap, and you%re telling me that now the movie%s over'" I don%t know that it%s over. It $ust feels like it%s at least stuck. Maybe it%s a problem with the pro$ector." 0ou%re telling me that this whole time I was $ust entertaining myself with your shit' +ut in the beginning..didn%t we have something in the beginning'" That was shit, too." +ut wasn%t it true' &idn%t we look in each other%s eyes and share a moment'" When you cleaned me off, yes, that was true. We had a true moment of shitplay and fucking, you fucking my pregnant belly." Maybe we should have a baby'" #nother baby, to cut the hymen out of'" It might bring us together." I%m not ready for another baby. I%m not even sure I%m taking the best care of this one." &on%t say that," says )orinne. We do ok." I wasn%t trying to minimi(e your contribution." 7o, I understand." What if we go back there'" 8o back where'" To where we met. !et%s fuck in that spot. +ring 3live, maybe cut her there, drip the sidewalk with her blood." 0ou want to make a sacrifice." I want to do something9 I%m not $ust letting go of you because the $u$u got messed up after one simple hymen cutting9" Maybe it has nothing to do with the hymen cutting. That%s what I%m saying. Maybe it%s $ust our time." &o you want it to be our time'" 7o, but you can%t force things." /ust because we had one failed se:, is that all it takes to read the $u$u'" We%ve never had a failed se: before." So maybe we%re $udging ourselves too harshly. #nd it%s not failed. It%s $ust not hot..as hot as we have been." That%s a failed se:." &o you wanna go'" +ack to our meeting place'" 0eah." Maybe. 7ow'" Why not'" 3-k. +aby, it%s no one%s fault. .ailed se: can happen." I $ust don%t know why one failed se: is reason to think the whole thing is over9" )an you not yell'" I%m sorry. I%m sorry." I%ll go with you." To where it all started'" 0es." )orinne, let%s go." 7o, let%s go ourselves." /ust the three of us'" 0eah." I pick the baby off the floor and put her against my shoulder. She%s got a clean diaper." Thanks, )orinne. 1elp yourself to the coke while we%re gone." 8ood luck." Thank you," starchild says. )orinne is standing there in her sweatpants when we close the door. Me and starchild and 3live, alone, in the hallway. #lone, as we take the elevator down. #lone, on my street in So1o, making our way to the alley where we met. 8ray sky. Walking up the street, starchild in sunglasses, me still holding 3live, and starchild puts her arm around my waist and it means the world to me that she%ll still be tender with me even though the $u$u may have become fucked. It%s three blocks up, that intersection where we met, where starchild crossed the street with her posse and fell and hit the sidewalk and shit herself. Maybe we%d have another accident, and I could clean her up like old times =that could do it, right' #pproaching that alley, and this is part of the street where they have those feedback cams. ST#0 I7 03<6 !#75. 143

03<6 &5STI7#TI37 IS T3 T15 6I81T." 3ne of the cameras was talking to us, remembering us from before and knowing we were headed for that alley. We stop at the spot where we met, where I pushed starchild to the ground. She and I look at each other. Starchild lets me lead the way. We turn into the alley. The thing is lit up like a stadium. There%s the hose. There%s that standpipe coming up through the ground. There%s the drain. 2<T T15 +#+0 37 T15 863<7&9" I walk to the center of the alleyway and look up at the monitor. I place 3live on the ground and she protests a little. The alley is wet. Starchild starts undressing. What are you doing'" See if you can fuck me here, see if the $u$u returns." Two people crossing the alleyway stop to look. 0ou%re gonna draw a crowd." Starchild is pulling off her last sock. Walking to me over wet ground. I think 3live is shitting." Take off her diaper." I bend down to the sweet little girl and untape her diaper on one side. She shat." 8rab that hose, clean her off. Maybe that%s what we have to do..clean her off in the place we met9" 3k." I%m un-looping the hose from the wall, turning the water on. Spread her legs." !ook, she still has blood on her." Spread her." Starchild does. 8et me wet, it%s ok." Starchild is s*uatting ne:t to her baby and the profile I get on her vulva is beautiful, a little m" of pussy lips. She looks like a child. #nd she is. I should remember that. 2oor kid, with a baby at this age. I spray them. The water trickles off starchild%s head. Water is dripping onto 3live%s body. Maybe we should eat it9" Maybe9" I put the hose down and it%s spraying on the wall. I kneel over 3live and starchild%s and my hands are going for the diaper, each grabbing some of 3live%s very loose shit. We%re going at it with both hands, feeding ourselves, feeding each other, and getting the last of her shit in our mouths. I can see there are about four people standing in the alley entrance now, watching us. 8ive me a shit kiss," starchild says, shit flowing out of her mouth. I grab her face with both hands and kiss her, our tongues rolling the shit around each other%s mouth, pushing it into each other, swallowing little bits of it, getting it between our teeth and under our tongues and in the pockets of our cheeks. 3ur lips barely part, and the voice in the sky says4 -552 -ISSI789" so we do, we kiss the shit out of each other, and when 3live cries, naked starchild picks her up, naked baby and naked mother, and I%m standing behind them and someone in the crowd says, That%s starchild99" I put one hand on starchild%s ass and we go out to meet them. #nd I%m not sure what the situation is with us, if by the time we get back to my apartment the $u$u will have returned, but I know for this moment she is mine, and with her crowd coming to meet her, she truly is a star.

144