Understanding Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns in Your Family

Many people hope that once they leave home, they will leave their family and childhood problems behind. However, many find that they experience similar problems, as well as similar feelings and relationship patterns, long after they have left the family environment. Ideally, children grow up in family environments which help them feel worthwhile and valuable. They learn that their feelings and needs are important and can be expressed. Children growing up in such supportive environments are likely to form healthy, open relationships in adulthood. However, families may fail to provide for many of their childrens emotional and physical needs. In addition, the families communication patterns may severely limit the childs expressions of feelings and needs. Chi ldren growing up in such families are likely to develop low self esteem and feel that their needs are not important or perhaps should not be taken seriously by others. As a result, they may form unsatisfying relationships as adults.

Types Of Dysfunctional Families

The following are some examples of patterns that frequently occur in dysfunctional families.

One or both parents have addictions or compulsions (e.g., drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, gambling, overworking, and/or overeating) that have strong influences on family members. One or both parents use the threat or application of physical violence as the primary means of control. Children may have to witness violence, may be forced to participate in punishing siblings, or may live in fear of explosive outbursts. One or both parents exploit the children and treat them as possessions whose primary purpose is to respond to the physical and/or emotional needs of adults (e.g., protecting a parent or cheering up one who is depressed). One or both parents are unable to provide, or threaten to withdraw, financial or basic physical care for their children. Similarly, one or both parents fail to provide their children with adequate emotional support. One or both parents exert a strong authoritarian control over the children. Often these families rigidly adhere to a particular belief (religious, political, financial, personal). Compliance with role expectations and with rules is expected without any flexibility.

There is a great deal of variability in how often dysfunctional interactions and behaviors occur in families, and in the kinds and the severity of their dysfunction. However, when patterns like the above are the norm rather than the exception, they systematically foster abuse and/or neglect. Children may:

Be forced to take sides in conflicts between parents. Experience reality shifting in which what is said contradicts what is actually happening (e.g., a parent may deny something happened that the child actually observed, for example, when a parent describes a disastrous holiday dinner as a good time). Be ignored, discounted, or criticized for their feelings and thoughts. Have parents that are inappropriately intrusive, overly involved and protective. Have parents that are inappropriately distant and uninvolved with their children. Have excessive structure and demands placed on their time, choice of friends, or behavior; or conversely, receive no guidelines or structure. Experience rejection or preferential treatment. Be restricted from full and direct communication with other family members. Be allowed or encouraged to use drugs or alcohol. Be locked out of the house. Be slapped, hit, scratched, punched, or kicked.

Resulting Problems
Abuse and neglect inhibit the development of childrens trust in the w orld, in others, and in themselves. Later as adults, these people may find it difficult to trust the behaviors and words of others, their own judgements and actions, or their own senses of selfworth. Not surprisingly, they may experience problems in their academic work, their relationships, and in their very identities.

In common with other people, abused and neglected family members often struggle to interpret their families as normal. The more they have to accommodate to make the situation seem normal (e.g., No, I wasnt beaten, I was just spanked. My father isnt violent, its just his way), the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self concepts (e.g., I had it coming; Im a rotten kid).

Making Changes
Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us permission; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you change back. Thats why its so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:

Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood. Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead. Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first. Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too.

In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations
As you make changes, keep in mind the following:

Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, dont try to make your family perfect. Realize that you are not in control of other peoples lives. You do not have the power to make others change. Dont try to win the old struggles you cant win. Set clear limits e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say no, not be. Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note
Dont become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

References And Additional Resources

Some excellent books on Dysfunctional Families are: 1. 2. 3. Toxic Parents. S. Forward. New York: Bantam Books, 1989. Cutting Loose. H. Halpern. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1976. How to Deal with Your Parents When They Still Treat You Like a Child. L. Osterkamp. New York: Berkley Books, 1992.

The Counseling Center has several other self-help brochures that may be particularly helpful: Adult Children of Alcoholics, Your Parents Divorce, Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse, Perfectionism, Loneliness, Assertiveness. The Counseling Center also offers free workshops related to these issues. Dates, times, and locations of workshops are periodically listed in the Daily Illini , or you can call the Counseling Center at 333-3704 for more information. The Counseling Center also provides group and individual counseling, and referral to other campus and community resources. For more information or to schedule an appointment to explore and assess what may be most helpful for

you, call the Counseling Center at 333-3704. Appointments are strictly confidential and pre-paid through your Health Service Fee.

Abusive Families
Teens who grow up in abusive families are more likely to display an array of negative responses. While many are resilient and overcome the effects of the abuse, others perpetuate the abusive behaviors through bullying or by displaying violent, controlling behaviors in their early romantic relationships, according to psychotherapist Arthur Becker-Weidman, writing at the Good Therapy website. He explains that research has found, "Clear links between neglect and abuse and later psychological, emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal disorders." Teens growing up in abusive families are more likely to exhibit signs of depression and anxiety. They also have an increased risk of drug and alcohol abuse. The organization Child Help found that, "as many as two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse reported being abused or neglected as children."

Substance Abusing Families

Teenagers who live with families struggling with drug or alcohol abuse respond in many different ways. Some teens try to compensate for their familys dysfunction by showing perfectionism or by trying to protect the substance-abusing family member. Others try to detract attention from the dysfunctional family dynamics by acting out and drawing the focus on themselves, according to the Office of Alcohol and Drug Addition at the University of Notre Dame. While some teens from families who abuse substances reject alcohol and drugs, because of genetic influences, other teenagers become substance abusers themselves, according to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse.

Enmeshed Families
Enmeshment "can mean being entangled within another person whereas you become dependent upon them for your emotional needs. It is when you are so close to someone you dont know where you end and where another person begins," according to mental health counselor Tamara Wilhelm, writing at the website for Imagine Hope Counseling Service. In enmeshed families, individuals lose their own identity and are over-involved in each others problems. In such dysfunctional families, teens often have difficulty asserting their autonomy and maintaining age-appropriate peer relationships because of their overly close connections to their parents and siblings, Wilhelm explains.

Negligent Families
Neglect can take several forms. They include physical neglect, or the inability of a family to provide food, clothing and shelter, and emotional neglect, where parents are uninvolved in their childrens lives and do not provide love, comfort, support and other emotional needs. Teens who grow up in families who neglect their basic needs are more likely to have difficulty realizing the same scholastic, cognitive and social potential as non-neglected peers, according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway. "Research shows that neglected children are more likely to have cognitive deficits and severe academic and developmental delays when compared with non-neglected children," according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway's 2006 report. Furthermore, the Mayo Clinic explains that adolescents who experienced extreme neglect as young children may also display aggressive behaviors and be unable to form close and meaningful bonds with either adults or peers.