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 10 Most Important Reasons Women Have Sex,
Including the Best Reason, #10.

By Jed Diamond, Ph.D.

Contact: Jed@MenAlive.com www.MenAlive.com

After completing a world-wide study on why people have sex,

Psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss, both professors at the
University of Texas at Austin, decided that the topic of "why women
have sex" deserved a book of its own. They've woven scientific
research together with a slew of women's voices in their new
collaborative work, Why Women Have Sex published September 29
by Times Books. They found that there were 237 reasons women
have sex. Here are the top 10.

"We do bring in men occasionally by way of contrast, but we

wanted to focus exclusively on women so that the complexity of
women's sexual psychology was not given the short shrift, so to
speak," said Buss, a leading evolutionary psychologist.

The authors conducted a study from June 2006 to April 2009 that
asked women whether they had ever had sex for one of 237 reasons,
all of which had emerged in a previous study. About 1,000 women
contributed their perspectives.

It turns out that women's reasons for having sex range from love to
pure pleasure to a sense of duty to curiosity to curing a headache.
Some women just want to please their partners, and others want an
ego boost.

Here are the 10 most important reasons cited in the study:

1. The simple pleasure of it.

Men have sex for pleasure and women have sex for love. That
message has been circulating for centuries. However, it turns out not
to be true. Women in the study were just as interested in having sex
for pleasure as were men.

I have in the past had sexual relationships with men who were
strictly friends just for the pleasure of having sex. In terms of
emotions, there really weren’t any except the fear that the guy might
end up wanting more. –Heterosexual woman, age 27.

I have been with lots of men in my life—probably close to one

hundred—and of all of those men, only one ever learned how to hit
my G-spot. I’m now married and love my husband but I keep thinking
about sex with the man with the magic fingers! I swear, when he put
pressure on that special spot it drove me crazy—I didn’t want
foreplay or anything—just more and more penetration. Heterosexual
woman, age 50.

2. That Thing Called Love

When two people are first together, their hearts are on fire and
their passion is very great. After a while, the fire cools and that’s how
it stays. They continue to love each other, but it’s in a different way—
warm and dependable. –Nisa !Kung woman from Botswana

What is love? According to psychologist Robert Sternberg, there

are three aspects of love: Intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Sometimes we have one of these, sometimes two, and in the most
complete kind of relationship we have all three.

For my twentieth birthday, my boyfriend took me out to an

amazing seafood restaurant and we had a really incredible time. He
treated me like a princess. I felt so loved, and I was so in love, and
all the feelings from the romantic atmosphere of the restaurant
carried over to his apartment and we made love on his bed. That
may have been the best sex we’ve ever had. –Heterosexual woman,
age 20.

In counseling men and women over the years, I’ve found that
women have a strong need to feel cherished and men have a strong
need to feel needed.
 3. The Thrill of Conquest.

It is not enough to succeed, others must fail.” Gore Vidal.

We often think of the male as competing with other males for

the prize of mating with the female. But women, of course, also
compete for the opportunity to mate with the most desirable males.

The reality of sexual competition among women is captured,

albeit in exaggerated and artificial form, in the popular television
show The Bachelor. Each week, millions of Americans tune in to
watch a real-life bachelor select among twenty-five women, who
primp, court, date, flaunt, make out, and sometimes have sex, in
the hope of capturing a mate in the bedroom and at the altar.

My boyfriend loves attention, and early in our relationship he

began another non-serious relationship with another girl behind
my back. When I first found out about it, I was devastated, but
eventually made it my goal to make him realize that I’m the only
one he wants. While I was happy to have sex with him, I realize
now that I was also doing it in hopes I could prove myself better
than the other girl.” --Heterosexual woman, age 18.

I wanted to win. My best friend always had guys interested in

her in high school. Although I was never really interested in guys,
somehow this bothered me. So I began to pursue the same men
she did to prove I was as good, if not better, than her. When she
would convey interest in a particular guy I would immediately
pursue him and win him with the offer of immediate sex. This
included heavy petting under a desk during class and intercourse
in a closet or hidden area of my high school. –Gay/lesbian
woman, age 25.

4. Green-Eyed Desire

Sexual competition resolves around rivals, which in its Latin

derivation means using (or trying to use) the same river as another—
and in the Roman empire, a river was an essential resource to be
guarded at great cost. Likewise, women use sex to achieve a variety
of psychological, physical, and evolutionary ends, sometimes
engaging rivals in sexual competition over the same desirable
partner.

But rivalry can, and often does, turn defensive and jealous. Many
women pursue sex as a way of dealing with their own pain and desire
to get back at a lover who had abandoned them.

I was dating someone and they had just broken up with me. I was
very upset and felt rejected and like my self-esteem had been hurt.
Perhaps a week later I went on a blind date and had sex, and told the
girl I had been dating about it (we were still friends) hoping to make
her jealous. I didn’t find the woman I had sex with to make her
jealous to be attractive and would not have had sex with her if I had
not felt I had something to prove. –Gay/lesbian woman, age 27.

When I was in my early twenties, my boyfriend of two years and I

broke up. He had fooled around with another girl. So I then slept
with his fraternity brother—one of his best friends. I told myself that it
was to hurt my ex, but in reality, I did it because I wanted him to be
jealous and want me back. That backfired, of course. He not only
didn’t want me back, but all the buys in the fraternity had a very low
opinion of me, including the guy I slept with (sort of a double standard
there), but that’s the way it was. –Predominantly heterosexual
woman age 30.

5. A Sense of Duty

Many women, particularly women over 40, were raised at a time

when many believed that it was a woman’s duty to have sex
whenever her partner was interested. These beliefs have changed
over the years, but women still have sex out of duty.

My husband nags about not having enough sex, so I give in and

have sex. Such is married life. –Heterosexual woman, age 53.

But even young women find themselves in situations where they

give in and have sex, even when they’re not turned on to the person.

I once had sex with a guy mostly to shut him up. We had had sex
once before. We were going to beat at the end of a party at a friend’s
house—I think we were both still a bit tipsy. He started making a
move on me and I said I didn’t want to do anything because I had to
wake up early the next morning for work, plus our friends were
sleeping in the same room. But he kept bugging me, saying it wasn’t
tool ate, I still had time to sleep, no one else would wake up. I finally
gave in, mostly because I figured he’d keep bothering me for another
hour if I kept saying no and if I just gave in, we’d have sex for ten
minutes and then I’d get to sleep. –Heterosexual woman, age 24.

6. A Sense of Adventure

We often equate adventure and masculinity, but women are just as

adventurous it turns out, when sex is involved.

I was in college and all my friends had experienced sex and I

wanted to know what it was like. Thinking about how everyone in the
world knew what sex was and that people started wars and killed
over it…it made me curious and I felt a sort of “pressure” to find out
about it. –Heterosexual woman, age 24.

I was about eighteen, and thought the thought that went through
my head at the time was, “Um, wonder what an Arabic or Italian guy
is like in bed?” I guess I wanted to know how each race was in bed.
Thinking about it now, I know that was stupid. But at the time I had
slept with two Puerto Ricans, two white boys, and I wanted to try
something new each time I had sex. –Heterosexual woman, age 28.

Some women in the study described wanting to have sex with

someone as a sort of “relationship screening test.” That is, they
wanted to see whether the person was “good enough” in the sack to
warrant a relationship.

7. Barter and Trade

Although many of us have value judgments of women who trade

sex for things they want, the practice is as old as humankind.

Stephanie Gershon yearned to explore the Amazonian rain forest

before leaving Brazil to complete her college education back in the
United States. Her efforts to locate a tour guide who would take her
past the edge of the forest, however, came up empty. When a local
busboy at her resort started to flirt with her, she questioned him about
the rain forest. Turned out he was very experienced and although
she wasn’t truly interested in him, Stephanie decided to encourage
his interest as a way to get him to take her into the forest. Her sexual
magnetism succeeded. The busboy managed to get out of work, and
they left for the jungle.

It was amazing. We built homes out of palm leaves. I saw

animals I’d never seen before. He taught me the medicinal
properties of all plants. We picked fruit off the trees. We swam with
and ate piranhas. And of course, we had sex…for almost two weeks.
It was a good barter both ways. I got to stay in the jungle, and he got
to have sex with a cute American girl.

8. The Ego Boost

If sex and creativity are often seen by dictators as subversive

activities, it’s because they lead to the knowledge that you own
your own body (and with it your own voice), and that’s the most
revolutionary insight of all. –Erica Jong.

A woman’s self-esteem affects, and is affected by, her

sexuality, her sexual experiences, and her sex appeal. Self-
assurance is sexy and sexual success is reassuring. There are
deep psychological connections between our sex lives and our
sense of self in both sexes.

Among men, for example, research reveals that those who

experience a bout of impotence, or erectile dysfunction, suffer a
tremendous blow to their self-esteem. That’s one of the reason’s
Viagra is so popular for men. But women, too, suffer when they
feel they are not sexually desired.

I had sex with someone who I felt close to because I was

feeling alone and lonely. This man was kind and loving to me
always and it made me feel better to have him with me, in bed, for
a night. We had amazing sex and he would do anything I asked,
always. I felt more confident and certainly sexier (as a woman)
the following days. It helped boost my self-confidence a great
deal.—Heterosexual woman, age 39.
 Many women have sex as a way of trying to repair a lost sense
of self that occurs when growing up in an abusive household.

I was a teenager growing up in an abusive, poor household. I

thought that if I was physical with guys it would lead to love, plus I
liked the attention they gave me for my body, which was nice. It
happened on several instances but one time I remember just
laying there and staring up at the sky, waiting for it to be over. I
wanted to feel good about it and pretended to be excited, but I
really just wanted emotional closeness. I felt dirty, but continued
doing it over and over, hoping. –Heterosexual woman, age 28.

9. The Dark Side of Sex: Sexual Deception, Punishment, and

Abuse.

Humans have dark and disturbing facets in their sexual

psychology that cannot be ignored. Many people grow up in
abusive families and the abuse impacts later sexual expression.

According to Buss and Meston, “An astonishingly large number

of women sometimes have sex because men deceive them, drug
them, verbally coerce them, or physically force them.”

While in college I went out and drank a lot. There was this one
guy who I really liked. He fed me all the lies that we are told to
know, but at the time I did not think about that. He told me he was
not like other guys and he would call me in the morning and he
really was into me. He told me how pretty and smart I was and
how lucky he would be if we were together. All I really thought
was how much I liked the guy and how much I wanted him to like
me. I completely bought into his lies. After a few more drinks, we
went upstairs and had sex. The next day he did not call me. Then
I found out he told all his friends how easy I was. I felt completed
degraded.—Heterosexual woman, age 27.

My ex-husband was mentally and verbally abusive and

coerced me into having sex for most of our fifteen-year
relationship. When I would refuse sex with him he would be angry
and verbally abusive for as long as three days afterward.
Eventually I stopped trying to say no to him because it was easier
to give in and deal with fifteen minutes of sex than days of abuse.
I eventually got the courage to leave him. –Heterosexual woman,
age 36.

10. Sex as Medicine

More and more studies show that sex is good for our health.
Sex seems to be good medicine for many things that ail us.

I suffer from migraine headaches and although the attacks are

few and far between and are generally mild, I find that when I have
sex during my headaches, especially when I have a great over the
top climax, it goes away before I know it.—Heterosexual woman,
age 42.

The physical pleasure of sex is one of the best ways for me to

relieve menstrual cramping. I’ve had sex for this reason many
times as comfort-based motivation—Heterosexual woman, age 47.

Having sex during or after a fight with one’s partner can

sometimes help resolve relationship differences. Because sex can
release built-up anger and frustration, which in turn allows our
bodies to return to normal levels of arousal, it can help clear our
minds, at least temporarily, of the negative thoughts that caused
the fight.

A number of studies show that stress can relieve and lower

stress levels. But that’s not all. Meston and Buss tell us that
“sexercise” not only burns calories, like other forms of
cardiovascular exercise, but supplies a host of other health
benefits. “It can increase metabolic rate, stretch muscles and
increase flexibility, increase energy, help tip the good/bad
cholesterol balance in the good direction, increase blood
circulation to all parts of the body including the brain, and maybe
even lower the risk of having a heart attack and extend life
expectancy.”

So, what are the reasons you have sex? What are the reasons
the woman in your life has sex? How about adding the medicinal
qualities of sex to your life?
For more information on the book Why Women Have Sex and the
work of Dr. David Buss and Cindy Meston, go to:

http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/Group/BussLAB/

Contact: Jed@MenAlive.com Web: www.MenAlive.com