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DAWN OF WAR ARC PART I - THE WARP CARD ACE

CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED "MORE LOGISTICS"
As before mentioned in past chapters, a planetary invasion is one of those awe-inspiring sci-fi concepts writers like to toss around without real thought to the logistics behind such an endeavour. The average planet is a substantially large body, whose total surface area equates to a considerably large number of Dawn of War maps. Apparently, according to popular science fiction, such a massive undertaking is relatively easy to achieve, so long as one is content to close one's eyes, put one's fingers in one's ears, and hum very loudly when confronted with the facts. Magnus the ed, however, is quickly learning that such a narrative lu!ury does not e!tend towards him" Magnus the Red: #a$ing down at the vast amounts of paperwork held before him on the backs of tortured and abused thralls %as they all are&. Foodstuff?!? Why the hell do we need so much food?!? Over ninety percent of our army is either possessed suits of armour or daemonic entities from another dimension! Why do we need so much food?!? Ahriman: 'ot fa$ed in the slightest, and determined to get through all this even if it results in his banishment %again&. My ex-lord, this has een carefully measured and selected for that ten percent who aren't immune to the effects of hun!er in any de!ree" While we space marines don#t have to eat so much, our forces are still comprised of a lar!e num er of human soldiers, and several alien allies" $heir food re%uirements are a little exotic, understanda ly, and they#ve een credited on a separate pa!e Magnus the Red: (lips over a page, and raises his eyebrow. $en thousand tonnes of &'(? Ahriman: )hrugs. $he )root love chic)en* what can + say? Magnus the Red: (licking through the pages upon pages of reports with increasing discontent. Well there#s #love# and then there#s pricin! us out of the planetary invasion usiness" Why do we have )root allies anyway? Ahriman: $hey came with the (haos tau Magnus the Red: *links for several moments in surprise. We have (haos tau? Ahriman: ,es my ex-lord" -pparently it seems that the appearance of the .ell /unny 0e!ion was not enou!h to incite sufficient fan-ra!e" +t was deemed the appearance of that second most fluff a omination is re%uired Magnus the Red: +auses. Dare + as) what#s the first? Ahriman: (haos 1rey &ni!hts Magnus the Red: 2ow why is everythin! that incites nerd-ra!e amon!st the fluff nutters out there always involve (haos? ,ou#d thin) they would have noticed sometime a!o that we#re sufficient a unch of cra3y astards to try anything
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Ahriman: $hat may e true, my ex-lord" .owever the (haos 4apanese .i!h 5chool 1irl $roupe was a little stupid Magnus the Red: 2ot when they demonstrated the application of #hammer space# to retrieve those vulcan me!a- olters from etween their le!s and mow down those accursed Dar) -n!els last millennia Ahriman: )miles at the memory. -h 6 !ood times Magnus the Red: +ndeed they are )pots something else. Wait 6 why have + apparently ordered five thousand inflata le loun!e chairs with accompanyin! eer hats? Ahriman: -h 6 + was hopin! you didn#t notice that" 5ome of the lads and myself were plannin! to ta)e some vacation 7after our inevita le victory of course8 on the ice floes Magnus the Red: After the invasion? Ahriman: ,esitates. Oh definitely Magnus the Red: + !uess some thin!s don#t chan!e 6 oh what the hell do you !uys want? A line of dark tech-priests enter Magnus' private sanctum and arrange themselves before him before, one by one, they hand over leathery tomes bound in still-bleeding arteries. Magnus takes each one and looks at them in confusion. Magnus the Red: What are these? Dark Forge-master: Minor technicalities, my lord" -ll we re%uire is your si!nature, mar)ed in the lood of the ri!hteous as offerin! to our dar) lords Ahriman: Define #ri!hteous#" $his is the forty-first millennium, after all" + dou t there#s an a undance of s%uea)y-clean moral-lovin! vir!ins anywhere we can ta)e advanta!e of Dark Forge-master: $hen 9ust anyone#s lood will do, ut it has to e lood" $he last (haos lord we dealt with si!ned everythin! with red iro" That didn#t !o down well with the dar) !ods """ Magnus the Red: -pening the first. Wait 6 fue e!penses? + thou!ht our mi!hty war machines ran on the souls of the damned? Dark Forge-master: Do you )now how expensive the souls of the damned are these days? $here is an economic recession, remem er" $hin!s 9ust aren#t as readily availa le as efore" $he soul trade !ot hit hard, especially" (urrent exchan!e rate is several hundred dar) thrones to a soul, and we 9ust can#t afford much Magnus the Red: )igning with his own multi-coloured blood %being a good follower of T$eentch, his bodily fluids change colour depending on the time, day of the week, lunar tides, and pro!imity to the latest Doctor Who special&. 4ust my luc)" My !rand plan of death on a planetary scale is already ein! crippled y poor an) mana!ement ,e frowns. Oh come on! ,ou can#t char!e me for that! Dark Forge-master: ecognising the tome Magnus has .ust opened. ,our forces consist of several hundred thousand i"ing individuals who not only need to eat, ut also ####$ .ow do you thin) that#s !oin! to e mana!ed? We all di! a lar!e hole in the
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!round and point our arses in the !eneral direction? Ahriman: 1enerally + 9ust let my armour do the wor)" $hese last few thousand years it#s ta)en a real li)in! to my- Dark Forge-master: 2ot everyone is fortunate enou!h to have worn a suit of daemonically-possessed armour lon! enou!h for it to have adapted so, my lord -hriman" Most of our forces are new recruits who haven#t even pro!ressed eyond holdin! up lar!e stic)s with crudely painted icons on the top and chantin! asic prayers they learnt in reli!ion school Magnus the Red: +#ve noticed that" +#m still not sure where all those :u ric $erminators went either 6" Ahriman: + !ot a telepathic mail from them the other day" $hey want to tell you they#re havin! fun in development hell and to hold out until someone writes a decent (haos #dex" ;ither that or pic) up <nd edition a!ain """ Magnus the Red: $emptin!, ut + etter not" +#d rather not face :uss# drin)in! uddies and their #asscannon=(M0# spam of doom a!ain Ahriman: eflecting. ,es, that was %uite painful

Magnus the Red: /raining his arteries of blood as he signs multiple tomes. + can#t elieve +#m ein! char!ed for all this" /ac) in the day of the 1reat (rusade we didn#t have to put up with all this red tape 6 in fact + thin) it was the red tape that caused the .eresy Ahriman: 2ot .orus ecomin! somewhat of a me!alomaniac? Magnus the Red: What? Don#t e silly" .orus was a ways a me!alomaniac" $hat#s why dad made him Warmaster, 9ust to avoid the inevita le endless millennia of itchin! if he didn#t ,e finishes the last tome and hands it over to the (orge-master. $here" -nythin! else + can do for you !entlemen, or can + fina y start lowin! >>>> up? Dark Forge-master: 4ust this one thin! etrieves a small scroll and hands it to Magnus. ,our purchase confirmation from e/ay for one 1ary 1y!ax#s soul Magnus the Red: 'inally! 2ow to find a suita le weapon to power with this mi!hty soul """ Ahriman: + never cease to e ama3ed at what you can uy off e/ay Magnus the Red: +ndeed" 5omeone out there has my other eye Ahriman raises an eyebrow. O&, that was a lie Tosses the paperwork to one side and stands tall and proud %not a hard thing to do&. ;nou!h of this! +#ve had enou!h! 0ets start this invasion! Ahriman: - out time" +f anyone needs me, +#ll e in my room pac)in! fifty pac)s of eer into a porta-horror Magnus the Red: $hat sounds messy Ahriman: $rue, ut they )eep the drin)s cool

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DAWN OF WAR ARC PART I - THE WARP CARD ACE

CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND ONE "THE WARP CARD ACE"
/eep within the bowls of the (ang, that great fortress built upon the mountains of Asaheim, thousands of cloaked thralls hurry to secure the most pri$ed possessions of the )pace 0olves chapter. Their minds occupied with their great task, they no longer notice the giant of an astartes that strides amongst them. %o f &uard Ranu f: ,is sheer si$e and bulk threatening to achieve critical mass and collapse into a black hole of testosterone. (areful! +f you spill one drop the 1reat Wolf shall spea) harsh words of sarcasm in your !eneral directions! 'otices the large adamantium foot planted before him. /9orn? What are you doin! down here? 5houldn#t you e up on the attlements preparin! to face our ancient enemies in attle once more? '(orn the Fe -handed: 1ooking suspicious 2 if an emotionless robot with an unchanging face could be described as 'suspicious'. 5houldn#t you? %o f &uard Ranu f: +#m "" concerned a out the eer """ '(orn the Fe -handed: 5o am + 6 %o f &uard Ranu f: +t 6 they loo) safe """ '(orn the Fe -handed: ,ou can never e too sure, thou!h" $hey mi!ht screw up, drop some """ %o f &uard Ranu f: $rue 6 never trust a human to do an astarte#s 9o """ They both .ump as the communication vo!-network beeps a dit$y little tune heralding the impending voice of 1eman uss. Leman Russ: 3)top fussing about the beer and get your asses up here4 0e're seeing drop-pod fire trails on the hori$on4 5'm not starting this war with my team two special characters down46 The vo! clicks off. '(orn the Fe -handed: + !uess we etter !et movin!" When he#s in this mood you etter not mess around with him %o f &uard Ranu f: Well, you would )now '(orn the Fe -handed: $rust me + do (rowns 2 well the half-corpse within does at any rate. -ren#t you supposed to e dead? %o f &uard Ranu f: -ren#t you? '(orn the Fe -handed: $ouche

)*)R)+)M)A)R),)-).)
,igh above, upon the open battlements of the (ang, a great host of )pace 0olves ga$e
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out across the glittering mountains, alight with the dying rays of a setting sun %postcards available from your local (enrisian gift shop&. The #reat 0olf, 1eman uss himself, focuses his sight upon the last ember-trail left by a falling drop-pod. /eman Russ: ,ou sha)in! them luc)y dice 1rimnar? /ogan &rimnar: 0ho is indeed shaking dice. ,es, my lord /eman Russ: 1ood" + don#t want to lose off on that critical first turn roll! -re the Wolf 1uard in position? /ogan &rimnar: /ehind hard cover, my lord, with assault cannons and cyclone missile launchers all primed and ready for an un!odly arra!e of pure !rade-- chedder /eman Russ: 'ods in satisfaction. 1ood man" (an#t let that one-eyed astard win this time, 0o!an /ogan &rimnar: *links. My lord, + elieve we won last time /eman Russ: + weren#t here" Doesn#t count /ogan &rimnar: Of course, my lord """ 0aina *roudmoore: )hifting on the balls of her feet. Oh this is so excitin!! /ogan &rimnar: ,ou still here? /eman Russ: + can#t !et rid of the loody woman! 7!asperated. 0oo), it was a one night stand! Don#t they have casual sex in -3eroth! Must everythin! carnal e connected to serious romantic plot developments? 0aina *roudmoore: *links several times in confusion. -ren#t we in love now? /eman Russ: Throws up his hands in despair. /loody hell! 0aina *roudmoore: 0ith an eager look in her eyes. +#m so !lad + stayed for this* +#ve een !rindin! my honour ?points@ for wee)s now 1ooks up at 1eman and grins. $here#s this special epic ABA staff +#m savin! up for /eman Russ: #rinding his teeth into dust through sheer irritation. Alease tell me it#s the #CD staff of shut-the->>>>-up# """ 0aina *roudmoore: -ffended. $hat#s not nice! /ogan &rimnar: 1eaning over to whisper in his +rimarch's ear. My lord, you are excused from )illin! her" $he oys wi consider it perhaps one of your !reatest achievements /eman Russ: )ighing. /ut we#re 5pace Wolves laddie* after those !oodie-two-shoes Eltramarines we#re the closest thin! this settin! has to !ood !uys /ogan &rimnar: +t#s the 1:+MD-:& dar)ness of the 1:+MD-:& far 1:+MD-:& future* no one wi care" .ell, you can re!ularly rape and )ill puppies and they#ll still raise shrines to you on thousands of worlds /eman Russ: 8ontemplates that for a second. 1ood point eaches over, and with a casual flick of the wrist, snaps 9aina's neck. $hat felt !ood There's a loud 'thud' as her
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lifeless corpse hits the stonework. 5o what#s next? /ogan &rimnar: Well, if you want + could arran!e a lit3 of all those other annoyin! -3eroth inha itants """ /eman Russ: $emptin!, ut we told them to u!!er off after the Alot .ole crap ended, and it#ll e a little hypocritical of us to do to them what they did """ (rowns for a moment, then smiles. 0o!an* ma)e a date in the diary after this whole affair is finished /ogan &rimnar: )miling. My pleasure, my lord They stand in silence for some time. The only sound that can be heard is the wind scraping its way across the mountains. 7ventually 2 /eman Russ: /loody hell! What#s ta)in! him so lon!? As they ponder what the ed 8yclops is up to, a small piece of card flutters towards the +rimarch, who, with lightning-fast reactions, reaches out and grabs it out of the air. Turning it over, he reads what's written on the card. /eman Russ: #Eltimate 5ummonF ,ou may immediately summon a sin!le daemon held in reserve without spendin! any summonin! points# 6 hey wait a second! We haven#t rolled for first turn yet! /ogan &rimnar: 1ooking down at the floor. Oh no, wait* we did" + dropped the dice """ /eman Russ: What? 0o!an, you fool! /ogan &rimnar: +t was a lost cause anyway, my lord" $hey pro a ly had M#)achen hidden somewhere with his ridiculous strate!y ratin! """ )huts up as he notices another piece of paper fluttering towards them. /eman Russ: #rabbing this piece of paper out of the air again. #+ Win" 11# 6 what? What did he summon? T1eentch: )tanding behind the pair, with a huge grin on her face. 4ust as planned suc)ers And there was pwnage 2 lots of it.

END OF PART I
)omewhere else in the universe entirely 2 2y i: "" what#s the worst that could happen? )miles and closes the connection. 1ooking around her, she spreads her arms open and dances amongst the crystal seers of old. -h, wonderful canon! )he stops suddenly in front of 7ldrad and a small assemblage of individuals with a mi! of mortified embarrassment and abstract horror. 3 drad: -llow me to add to that canon en9oyment of yours with Alot" /uc)ets of it" -nd a (he)hov#s 1un for added onus ,olds out his staff. &eep hold of this, you#re !oin! with them 9erks his thumb over his shoulders at Taldeer and Mephiston. Don#t !et too excited* your 9ourney will mostly e a straction" We can#t e arsed to fit you into the narrative proper" + 9ust don#t trust my personal elon!in!s with someone who can e affected y the narrative 2y i: ,er knees shaking. $he 5taff of Elthuan? + will !uard it with my life!
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3 drad: Don#t e stupid" $hat pointy stic)#s ac) home ein! cleaned" $hat ,e points at the staff. +s a Alot Device 2y i: What#s it for? 3 drad: Oh for the !ods# sa)e woman! ,ou#re a seer! 'lic) the script forward a halfdo3en or so pa!es and find out! 2y i: /oes as he says, and gasps in ama$ement. +mpressive! 3 drad: )miles. $hat#s what you#ll say to me in ed ten chapters from now There's an awkward silence, as everyone wonders how to reply to that. 2y i: -ny chance + can-? 3 drad: 4ust as planned, &yli 2y i: /ut +#ve already !ot- 3 drad: 4ust as planned 2y i: -pens her mouth. 3 drad: 4ust as planned 2y i: """ you really are a dic) aren#t you? 3 drad: Turns to face you. -t least +#m not you

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DAWN OF WAR ARC PART II - POLYGON INVASION
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND TWO "FOOD STILL SUCKS, THOUGH ..."
5t is perhaps one of the main constants present in the universe that no matter what the organisation or who runs it there will inevitably be a staff cafeteria. This is true for the following reasons" everyone needs to eat, and people generally prefer to do so in company. 1ike se!, really. The -fficio Assassinorum is no e!ception to this rule, and most of the temple staff congregate at the general canteen come socially-accepted lunch time for food, gossip, and general complaining about the quality of their work. All, that is, e!cept the staff of the 8ule!us temple, who, being on the other side of the known gala!y, have their own food courts %which has given rise to the rumour that their food tastes better to compensate for the close pro!imity to soulless abominations&. &rand Master of the 4fficio AssassinorumF After carefully considering his options. +#ll ta)e the mash potato and !reen peas" ;asy on the !ravy, than)s love )miles sweetly at the middle-aged woman serving behind the steaming selection of food. Master of the 5indicare Temp e: )huffling up beside the #rand Master in the queue. .ey, did you hear? - out the Aalace?
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&rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: (rowning in confusion. What part? $hat it#s under sie!e y illions of unhappy citi3ens wantin! a new system of !overnment, or that the renovation is still ehind schedule to a severe lac) of s)ulls to em ed in the concrete? Master of the 5indicare Temp e: $he sie!e part Master of the 5enenum Temp e: (rom behind the :indicare. + heard that the ;mperor has een ta)en hosta!e, and that the crowds are callin! for the heads of the Arimarchs! &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: + can#t ima!ine what for* + dou t if collectively all twenty Arimarchs have enou!h !rey matter to )eep a /iolo!is tech-adept happy for even a sin!le term of studies As he finishes his sentence the serving lady, having finished pouring a generous helping of gravy on the grand Master's plate, begins to distort painfully, changing into a reasonably attractive woman who appears half the age of the woman she had been masquerading as %however, thanks to 5mperial longevity treatment, she's probably old enough to be the before-mentioned 'middle-aged' woman's great grand-mother&. Master of the ,a idus Temp e: Ad.usting the outfit she's wearing, now several si$es too large for her. Aerhaps they hope to turn them into a collection of novelty coffee mu!s" 1od-;mperor )nows they won#t need to hollow them out eforehand Master of the 5indicare Temp e: )lightly concerned. 5houldn#t we e more respectful? $hese are the *rimarchs we#re tal)in! a out Master of the ,a idus Temp e: -nd what have they done for the +mperium? +#ll tell youF repeatedly screwed it up" :emem er that summer campai!n, with the 2ecrons and their (#tan lords tryin! to re-write out !alaxy with -lan Merrett#s laptop? :emem er that extensive clean-up session we had afterwards assassinatin! all the loose plot-threads they left dan!lin! everywhere? -nd don#t !et me started on the repercussions of their recent ret-con Master of the 5enenum Temp e: #roaning in despair. +t too) me a!es to poison all those loody orcs and ship their corpses ac) to -3eroth" On the plus side + sold them all at a discount to that 5ylvanas chic), which has re-filled the temple armoury %uite nicely They move to sit down together at a spare table; concious that they're holding up the queue of hungry adept personnel %and the odd assassin catching a snack between training&. The Master of the 7versor Temple is already sitting there, reading the latest issue of /erser)er Monthly. ,e smiles politely as they quickly describe the conversation so far, while he thinks of five hundred ways to kill them with the plastic fork supplied for lunch. Master of the 3"ersor Temp e: olling his eyes, in the process noticing that the salt pot would definitely cause ma.or brain damage if used correctly. +#ve !ot start destroyers worth of dead odies to dispose of" My oys went a little tri!!er-happy cleanin! up after the last arc Master of the 5indicare Temp e: When are your oys not tri!!er-happy Master of the 3"ersor Temp e: When they#re disem owellin! their tar!ets with alloon animals, for one" 4ust ecause our methods of )illin! involve more 6 #colourful# tactics than your temple#s attitude of sittin! on their asses for five wee)s to let off one
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shot """ &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: aising his hands. .ey* lets not !et into those types of ar!uments a!ain" :emem er people* we#re trained professionals" 2ot li)e those Arimarchs, who !ot the command of entire armies 9ust ecause they were orn special They all nod in simultaneous agreement. The Master of the 7versor Temple can't help but notice how deadly the paper plates are. Master of the 5indicare Temp e: 5o, are we !oin! to help the ;mperor in his time of need? &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: -s his sons seem to e as useful as a wet tissue in a rainstorm, + elieve it#s time we saved his ass a!ain """ Master of the 3"ersor Temp e: + could )ill someone with a wet tissue &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: :ichard, you could )ill anyone with anything" $hat#s never een disputed, althou!h +#m still tryin! to wor) out how that how you )illed that !uy with his own sp een Master of the 3"ersor Temp e: #rins. 1ood times

=P=R=I=M=A=R=C=H=S=
T-3 3M*3R4R 4F MA62+6D!: )itting on his throne, head on hand. /y the !ods +#m 7ored Around him ,orus, ,ecate, /orn, )anguinius, and several senior space marines of the 5mperial (ists, *lack 1egion, ,ell *unnies, and *lood Angels sit contemplating their fates. A million lasguns point at them from the balconies on the walls of the cavernous throne room. At the base of the #olden Throne itself several senior administrative staff argue with Malcador, their voices masked by the psychic prowess of the Master of the Adeptus Astra Telepathica. (rom the looks of their faces they seem to be discussing something of great important with heated emotions. 7ither that or they're debating whether <= plastic 7mpire #reatswords are worth >?@ 2 -orus: 1ooking as equally bored as his father. Dammit! Why don#t we rush them! $hey#re only las!uns! We#re *rimarchs! Roga Dorn: 1ooks at him like an 7nglish teacher would look at a pupil who had .ust announced he could re-type the entirety of )hakespeare's works on his mobile phone. We#re also only $ou!hness G H they wi hurt us" $here#s enou!h of them" Do you really want to !o down in history as the Arimarch who !ot his ass handed to him y a < point cler) with a las!un? ,orus doesn't answer that question, and instead opts to look sullen. -ecate: 1ooking around at the situation. 1uys* + have a plan" + need you to ma)e a distraction for me -orus: 'or you? What are you plannin!? -ecate: #rins. 4ust ma)e some noise, rother -orus: ,e sighs and rises to his feet. + was ored anyway 8asts his ga$e around the
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room, and smiles. + declare, that +, .orus, Warmaster of -wesome, 0ord of (ool, .e Who ;veryone Wants to 5leep With 7includin! the !uys, and personally + don#t lame them8, am wal)in! out of here" + dare anyone to stop me The lasguns open fire. The entire room is filled with criss-crossing laser beams that lightly burn anything they touch. (or several second afterwards everyone's sight is obscured by the retinal after-image. 7ventually their sight is restored, in time to see ,orus writhing on the ground in pain. -orus: 1odsdammit! $hose las!uns hurt! Roga Dorn: Trying to hide the smile that threatens to break across his face. ,eah, las!uns will do that to you in enou!h num er 1ooks around and frowns. .ey 6 where#s .ecate? 5t seems someone else has notice the absence of ,ecate also, as shouting begins to arise from those watching the +rimarchs, and very soon the sound of hundreds of running feet can be heard echoing through the chamber. Malcador the )igilite mounts the stairs and climbs up to approach the 7M+7 MA'A5'/4, his face masked by pure fury. Ma cador the .igi ite: Where is she? T-3 3M*3R4R 4F MA62+6D!: (aking confusion %not hard&. Where is who? Ma cador the .igi ite: $hat itch! Where is she? + )now she can turn invisi le! Dammit, + told everyone to not ta)e their eyes off her! Roga Dorn: +ndeed" 5he could e anywhere y now" 5he can run pretty fast, you )now" -rmy-wide special rule" -lon! with !oin! psycho and )ic)in! you ass every three days out of the month Ma cador the .igi ite: 1eans closer and tries to look threatening. A tricky thing to pull off when the guy you're trying to threaten is almost three feet taller than you, and twice as wide. +#m tryin! to resolve this situation peacefu y without you idiots screwin! it up li)e always! When + find your sister, +#m !oin! to ki her, hire in some necromancers to raise her, then ki her again Roga Dorn: ,eah 6 !ood luc) with that Meanwhile, no more than several hundred metres from where ogal /orn and his brothers are held captive by angry office workers, ,ecate hides in the shadows, cloaked by her natural invisibility, as several 8ustodians rush past led by union representatives. -ecate: 30ell this was smart girl. Bou're alone, and by the traditional laws of female invisibility %thank you )ue )torm& 5'm also naked, in the middle of a continent-spanning fortress filled with people who aren't too happy with you right now. 0hat the hell am 5 going to do nowC6 Asdru7ae 5ect: Appearing right beside her. Aersonally, + heavily recommend endin! over for no reason whatsoever Ori!inally Aosted y Da"er 8 toughness @ or D doesn't really matter with las guns you still get wounded on a D. now what would <,===,=== lasguns do when weilded by bs < clerks... <,===,=== shots% are they within rapid fireC& D's to hit, <DDDDD hits. D's to wound, ?EEEE wounds. ?FsvG HD?I unsaved wounds even if you had re-rollable ?F saves you would
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-(

still take EE< wounds. Roga Dorn: I5ee? M-$.5 A:OB;5 M, AO+2$!I -orus: )coffs. I5o what? + have a <C save a!ainst lo!ical ar!umentsI Ori!inally Aosted y +n9uisitor &ideon ichardC Ailling everything in almost any way possible and loving itC 5s there a connection between this and a certain web comicC Jcuddles his :ichard the Warloc) plushieK

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DAWN OF WAR ARC PART II - POLYGON INVASION
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND THREE "IS IT GBH IF IT'S CONSENSUAL?"
5 believe 5've described the 5mperial +alace in sufficient detail these last few chapters, so suffice to say it's not beyond the boundaries of in-universe logic that the +rimarchs 8ora! and :ulkan are quite lost. 5t's not like the damn place has a tourist information office, at any rate. 5u kan: 5ndignant. We#re not lost! ,ora!: + elieve we are, %uite lost 1ooks around the deserted corridors. 2ow where did -n!ron and Bect !o? )tops, cocking his head to one side. Do you hear that? 5u kan: #rinning. 5ounds li)e someone#s havin! a !ood time The hurry down the corridor, turning the corner to be greeted by the strange %and somewhat disturbing& image of :ect having the seven shades of crap beaten out of him by a naked ,ecate, and enjoying every moment of it. Asdru7ae 5ect: $hat#s it a y! $he ri s are evil and must e ro)en! &ods you're good at this! -ecate: 1ooks up to see her brothers, a horrified e!pression appears on her face. $his isn#t what it loo)s li)e, + swear! Asdru7ae 5ect: 1ooking at them through two bloodied eyes. +t so is! To understand how this situation came about, we must re-wind the story a little 2 Five hours ago Angron: ,efting his bloodthirster-chucks across his shoulders; the daemons hanging bored either side of him. The lake of blood begins to dry around his feet, the civilians having bled dry several minutes ago. $hey#re most li)ely holdin! our rothers in one of the main areas of the palace* li)e the an%uet room, the allroom, or the indoor swimmin! pool ,ora!: Or, perhaps, the throne room? Angron: What? With all those dead psy)ers dad hasn#t !ot round to cleanin! up still
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decomposin! in their soc)ets? )hudders. Asdru7ae 5ect: What? Don#t li)e dead people? Angron: + make dead people" +t#s the creatin! process + en9oy, not the end result 5u kan: 'ine, then + su!!est we split up" (orax and + will ta)e the throne room, while you and &han ta)e the indoor swimmin! pool Turns to the dark eldar. -nd you 6 )eep out of trou le and try to rape as few people as possi le Asdru7ae 5ect: (rowns. Define #rape#" +s it still considered that if + yell out #surprise# eforehand? )ilence. ,ora!: O&, we#re !oin!" 1ood luc) Actually 2 that doesn't really e!plain much at all. 0eren't Angron, 8ora!, Ahan and :ect heading to 8ommorragh for a holidayC 0here did 8ora! appear fromC 0hat the hell are they all doing in the palace anywayC 5s this a sign that the arch-enemy of narrative fiction, the +lot ,ole, has returned with a vengeanceC Maybe they'll reveal this missing plot line as we move forwards with the story 2 Corax: 3/on't count on it6 )crew you. 5u kan: 5o this is not what we thin)? 5o it#s not Bect ein! 6 Bect? -ecate: /ropping :ect onto the floor, where he twitches with ecstasy %and, you know, the broken bones and pain and stuff 2&. 2ope 6 9ust ta)in! out some a!!ression" ,ou )now """ ,ora!: 'air enou!h" 'irst order of priority then is to !et you some clothes" + assume you slipped out under the cover of your invisi ility s)ills? -ecate: What !ave it away? $he na)edness? Or have you een readin! the last few chapters so you could catch up on what you missed? ,ora!: .aven#t missed much* the plot cau!ht up with us$ ,ou see* the Dar) (ity#s currently 6 not so dar) Asdru7ae 5ect: 0rithing on the floor, flood oo$ing from his mouth. $hey fethin! installed slave unions while + was !one! $hey#re attac)in! us with fair trade a!reements, appropriate healthcare ills, and free rights for a sentient 7eings! -ecate: ,orrified. +n ,ommorragh! $hat#s 6 that#s 6 5u kan: Dis!ustin!ly pleasant, isn#t it? $his )tar Trek-es%ue utopian ideal is spreadin! fast, and soon there won#t e any 1:+MD-:& left in this universe for us to en9oy" + don#t )now a out you !uys, ut + personally en9oyed committin! mass !enocide without any moral repercussions" + en9oyed doin! all the stuff villains indul!e themselves with and have everyone call me the good guy" + don#t want to see all this !o ,ora!: 5o naturally we#re here to ma)e sure all that doesn#t happen, )ic) some ass, )ill lots of people, and !et away with it

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They all nod in agreement, and indulge in a dramatic pause as the background music meets a crescendo. The music ends, and an uncomfortable silence begins as everyone waits for the other to suggest a plan of action. 5u kan: 5o what was your plan anyway .ec? + mean you went throu!h the humiliation and em arrassment of snea)in! out in the nude- -ecate: + was invisi le at the time, you )now? 5u kan: -so you must have a plan, ri!ht? -ecate: + was thin)in! of approachin! the Officio -ssassinorum" $hey#ve een awfully %uiet lately, and they are supposed to e %uite loyal to us" ;ver since the Ordo 5icarius started smashin! heads to!ether after the War of Bindication 5u kan: $he assassins? Why approach them? $hey can only field half a do3en models in the avera!e-si3ed !ame! $hat#s not compliant with 1W#s eventual desire to dominate the world! .ow are they !oin! to devour the world#s economy with a six-model army? $hey should uy space marines, ots of space marines! Another uncomfortable silence. ,ora!: ,ou %uite finished? 5u kan: )lightly confused. ,es 6 sorry" 2ot sure what came over me there ,ora!: $hen it#s settled* we#re payin! the 1rand Master a visit &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: - out time There's a moment where the +rimarchs contemplate .umping several feet in the air with surprise, but eventually decide not to as that would most likely require swallowing their gargantuan pride beforehand. They settle on mild astonishment instead. &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: )tanding amongst the giants. 5o, what can + do for you !entlemen? #ives a short bow in ,ecate's general direction. -nd my lady 5u kan: Where does your loyalty lie /o ? &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: With the ;mperor and his chosen, my lord ,ora!: -nd the loyalty of your temples? &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: With the ;mperor also 6 althou!h the ;versor temple is currently en9oyin! a lifetime su scription to &horne $B 7DLLM lood, all the time, every day!8, so +#m a little hesitant a out declarin! for them 5u kan: We#ve !ot -n!ron on our side, and he#s currently een shac)in! it up with &horne since &erri!an u!!ered off ac) to her own universe -ecate: Male or female form? ,ora!: Do you really want to )now? /ecause + didn#t as)- Asdru7ae 5ect: + di- ,e screams as everyone kicks him in the face simultaneously.
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&rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: :e!ardless" +f you are see)in! my expertise, then they are yours to command" + also have a plan ,ora!: +s it cunnin!? &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: ;xtremely 5u kan: + li)e this man already -ecate: Arofess your love later, 4ames" (an + have some clothes now, p ease?!? What ma)es you thin) A:+M-:(.5 has internal consistency? (an#t very well ta)e the piss out of the officia canon's lac) of such professional storytellin! if the parody is etter at such matters, can we? On second thou!hts """ Ori!inally Aosted y donuter 1astie has ?===th post Bery nice of you"

= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = =
DAWN OF WAR ARC PART II - POLYGON INVASION
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR "THE GREATEST HORROR IN THE UNIVERSE"
A narratively significant eriod of time ago

5u kan: 1eaning forward to peer through the clear liquid titanium porthole %and no, don't ask how that works. 1ike all good sci-fi writers 5'm .ust pulling random names out of my ass and attaching them together to form what 5 hope to be a suitably e!oticsounding material that can serve instead of a more traditional window&. 5o this is the Aort of 0ost 5ouls? Angron: 8leaning his a!e %not that it's dirty, but it's something he can do to pass the time and not be called out as a sissy, unlike his other favourite pastime J knitting&. Aleasant name" -ny particular reason for it? Asdru7ae 5ect: )liding down the wraithbone banisters leading into the viewing gallery to .oin the guests aboard his personal flagship. $he doc)wor)ers here are notoriously ad at handlin! !oods and )eep droppin! the souls we !ive them to store away, hence the name Angron: *links. :eally? Asdru7ae 5ect: Of course not" We 9ust chose it for the clichN melodrama it inspires" #Aort of 0ost 5ouls# my ass, this place is actually )nown as Ouethalathosothilliano, or #/adly (leaned $eeth# to translate it 7poorly8 into .i!h 1othic 5u kan: /ecause all the spi)y uildin!s everywhere loo) li)e rottin! teeth?

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Asdru7ae 5ect: (orrect" 2ever let it e said we eldar don#t have a sense of selfdepreciative humour" Well 6 at least we &a alite eldar do" $hose stuc)-up (raftworld nutters, on the other hand """ Angron: We !et itF you don#t li)e each other" ,our display of species solidarity is a inspiration to us all H want a coo)ie? Asdru7ae 5ect: 2o, ut +#d love an ei!ht-year-old !irl Angron: 5orry, fresh out of those on account of me not ein! a sic) >>>> Asdru7ae 5ect: )miling to himself, notices something out one of the viewing ports. .ello, that wasn#t there the last time 5u kan: What? $he !iant #W; 0OB; ,OE B;($! posters hun! up everywhere? + thou!ht that was the standard dar) eldar method of !reetin! one#s leader Asdru7ae 5ect: 2o, they usually read #W.O W-2$5 $O 1-21-:-A; B;($#?, or #B;($, + W-2$ ,OE: -/O:$+O2!#" $his is definite y not a !ood si!n 5u kan: ,es, they actually want to rid the universe of a possi le se%uel to that !odawful oo) of yours Asdru7ae 5ect: +#ll have you )now that my oo) has helped illions see) success in the arena of love 6 consensual or otherwise 6 mostly non-consensual 6 and ille!al on so many different worlds 6 except here Angron: Does this place actually have any laws? Asdru7ae 5ect: ,es +ulls out a splinter pistol and begins e!changing the ammo for something more 2 potent. Don#t >>>> with the Bect The ship slowly arrives in dock, the giant clamps lowering in place to hold the elegant vessel safe until such time as it desires to leave %which may be sooner than the occupants believe&. The boarding ramp e!tends slowly from its semi-sentient liquid adamantium cradle %watch me make up materials again for our eldar chums4& to connect flawlessly with the airlock of the craft. Automated Docking .ystem: Doc)in! procedures complete" Welcome to (ommorra!h H (ity of a $housand Aleasures 7-nd More of an +lle!al 2ature!8" Alease remem er to ta)e all personal elon!in!s with you out of the craft, as any unattended a!s or small children will e considered the property of the nearest &a al lords" ;n9oy your stay, and remem er H here at (ommorrra!h we value your personal desires a ove the welfare of other ein!s! 5u kan: 7ntering the access codes on the airlock %:ect had told him earlier, after a particularly drunk session of monopoly&. /e on your !uard fol)s* the Dar) (ity#s a rou!h place normally, ut + have a feelin! this time will e a little different ,ora!: )harpening his lightning claws against each other, the crackling power field producing pretty-looking sparks. - !ut feelin!? 0aghatai 2han: Kpenetrating ga$eL 5u kan: 1ooking at both of them. 2o* + chec)ed out the script in advance They raise their eyebrows in disbelief. -ll ri!ht H 9ust )iddin!" + reco!nise the latant si!ns" + do rowse tvtropes"or! occasionally in my spare time
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The airlock cycles, and they step through into the welcoming lounge of the +ort of 1ost )ouls %well, one of them anyway. The palace is like ,eathrow Airport, only less deadly&. The +rimarchs step through in trained military fashion %i.e. stumbling over each other, making lots of accusations against each other, and generally making Asdrubael :ect and his 5ncubi guard face-palm&. Asdru7ae 5ect: #esturing at the +rimarchs. 0adies and !entlemen* may + present to you the human ;mperor#s finest +ncu7i A: $he lac) one#s cute* +#ll >>>> him later 5u kan: 1ooking back over his shoulder. ,ou etter e a !irl when you ta)e off that armour, or +#ll 6 oh for!et it" ,ou#ll pro a ly en9oy that too: ,ora!: .old up H someone#s approachin!! They ready their weapons and take aim as the long shadow of someone approaching the corner lengthens. The suspense builds, the music grows louder, and the shadow reveals itself to belong to 2 Lion !l'jonsonC4C /ion 3 '(onson: aising one hand in greeting. &onichi wa

5u kan: 0ion? What the hell are you doin! here? A short brunette in a garish pink outfit walks out to grasp 1ion's hand affectionately. Aeris;Aerith;DF&: 1reetin!s Arimarchs" + didn#t except to meet with you a!ain so soon ,ora!: .oly crap in a hand as)et it#s you! What the hell are you doin! here, and why does 0ion have that stupid !rin on his face? 8omprehension dawns. Oh dear +mperial $ruth 6 you#re in o"e?!? /ion 3 '(onson: 5he has shown me the way" Our love with rin! peace and 9oy to this universe" We have already spread our happiness to the citi3ens of this city, and they have welcomed us with open arms and open hearts Asdru7ae 5ect: Actually horrified, for the first time in his life. Oh dear !ods, what have you done? The sound of hundreds of feet walking towards them becomes apparent, and soon faces start appearing along the balconies overlooking the lounge. 7ldar, human, orks J the slaves and their former masters stand side-by-side. All looking down on our main characters will .oyful smiles on their faces. Asdru7ae 5ect: What have you done to my city?!? Aeris;Aerith;DF&: + have !iven them love <rien Rakarth: )troking a cuddly soft puppy. We have een awo)en to the ways of peace and tran%uillity! 5he has shown us the ways of supportive unions to ensure our well- ein! and peace of mind! 1ooks at the /(# lovingly. 5he is an an!el to us all Asdru7ae 5ect: Trying not to throw up. My city 6 it#s all 6 saccharine 6 what ha"e you done?!? 1aunches himself at the /(#, Agoniser pepped and ready to inflict some 2 agonising pain.
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5n a flash 1ion 7l'.onson stands between AerisMAerithM/(# and :ect, the 1ion )word out and ready to inflict some punishment. 5u kan: /rother! (an you not see? 5he has linded you with her lies! /ion 3 '(onson: Throwing :ect across the lounge. 2o! My eyes are open! + have een freed from my father#s false truths! $here can e peace! $here can e respite! $here doesn#t have to e war! 5u kan: /ut 6 that#s 9ust 7oring! /ion 3 '(onson: + will install peace in this universe throu!h the teachin!s of my dearest, and when + do so + will turn this franchise into one accepta le for the 2intendo Wii! We will ecome family-friendly, and the profits we ma)e shall e hu!e! ,ora!: $his is ad, rea ad

/ion 3 '(onson: +oints his sword at his brothers. Enleash our !reatest weapon! :elease the (ute 'luffy &ittens! 5u kan: 64! 2O$ $.; &+$$;25!

= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = =
DAWN OF WAR ARC PART II - POLYGON INVASION
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE "NAKED IMPERIUM"
"resent #ay $or %hat asses for it in the "R&'ARC()-verse any%ay* -ecate )quee$ing herself into a skin-tight %and incredibly revealing& suit of Terminator armour %yeah, 5 know this makes no sense. 8onsider if the designer of female warcaster armour in the world of 0armachine met up with a 0arcraft blacksmith in a pub and the two of them got completely smashed and had a threesome with a techpriest. Afterwards, in the post-Ndid-we-.ust-do-what-5-think-we-didO glow, they sat down together and designed 2 this&. 5o you !uys !ot arse-raped y the Enion? Asdru7ae 5ect: Tuning his agoniser from Ne!cruciating painO to Nwatching daytime T:O. /asically, yes, ut without the pleasure, none of the pain, and all of the humiliation afterwards" We tried to fi!ht, ut those damn )ittens were 9ust too cute -ecate Turning on the in-built targeters. 5o what happened? .ow did you escape? Asdru7ae 5ect: +oints at the fur cloak draped around his shoulders. One-hundredpercent real )itten fur, and one-hundred-percent still alive As if to prove what he .ust said true, the cloak lets off a series of painful meows. 'ack in the past= in ,ommorragh > The prison cells of 8ommorragh are surprisingly spacious and comfortable compared to their 5mperial equivalents. 0hile the 5mperium believes the confines of a prison should be the punishment, the dark eldar know that the location of the prison cells is the actual punishment, so why bother making the prison cell harshC *esides, comfy chairs and air conditioning only make matters worse when you realise youOre in the #ar+ City, and thereOs about several billion dark eldar outside who will only be too happy to inflict
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gross physical violations upon you. 5u kan: )itting back and putting his feet up on the complementary coffee table. Well loo) at it this way H it could e worse" -t least wePve een captured y evil pacifists this time Angron: )moking a bloodletter %twice the high with none of the lung cancer4&. WherePs :ichard :ahl when you need him? 0aghatai 2han: Kpenetrating ga$eL 5u kan: + thin) we should do somethin! a out Bect thou!h ,e stares at the corner of the room, where :ect huddles in a foetus position. Asdru7ae 5ect: ocking back and forth. (anPt sleep, )ittens will cuddle me" (anPt sleep, )ittens will cuddle me" (anPt sleep 6 5u kan: We canPt leave here without him* Bect )nows this city li)e the ac) of his hand" We need to !et to the +mperial Aalace %uic)ly, and we canPt !et out %uic)ly if we have to fi!ht throu!h millions of an!ry pacifistic union wor)ers )ees AngronOs e!pression. -nd itPs not !ood to )ill them, -n!ron Angron: ,ou lac) moral clarity, 4ames 5u kan: -nd could people stop callin! me 4ames? My mother never called me 4ames 0aghatai 2han: Kpenetrating ga$eL 5u kan: -nd you can shut up too +unches the wall in frustration, leaving a large hole through which 1elith ,espera!Os surprised face can be seen. /e ith -espera!: Do you mind? + was on the toilet there! Angron: Oh !reat* toilet humour in A:+M-:(.5" We have hit roc) ottom haven#t we? 5u kan: 2ot if + have anythin! to say a out it #lances through the hole in the wall again. -nyway, what are you doin! loc)ed up li)e us? /e ith -espera!: Ad.usting the frighteningly modest clothes she's wearing %also featuring a horrifying amount of pink&. + made comment a out the Enion#s #Modesty Areservation 0aws to Arotect the +nnocence of Our 'amilies#" $hey were as)in! us !ladiators to wear 6 well- )he gestures at what she's currently wearing. 5o + replied with somethin! similar to #over my dead ody#, only a lot more harsh and featurin! words my hus and would roll over in his !rave if he )new + had uttered 6 if he had a !rave 6 althou!h it#s hard to tell where Daemon Arinces stand with the whole mortality=death issue 6 so they loc)ed me up here after forcin! me to wear what they#re implementin! as this year#s tournament !ar 5u kan: +t#s hideous 1elith nods in agreement. Angron: Modesty Areservation 6 for +nnocent 'amilies? +n my universe? )tands still in shock for several moments, then suddenly snaps and begins hurling himself at the walls of the cell. 0et me out! + need to plun!e this !alaxy ac) into endless war! +t#s for your own !oods! ,ou#ll never !row stron! and adass without conflict! ,ou#ll only end up wea) and 6 i7era !
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5u kan: 1uess we now )now who -n!ron votes for """ PAuthor's 'ote" -bviously not the 1ord of 8hange currently in the 0hite ,ouseQ Asdru7ae 5ect: )till rocking back and forth. (ant sleep* )ittens will cuddle me" (an#t sleep- 0aghatai 2han: )triding over to slap :ect around the face. Ouiet man! 5top your pitiful whimperin! and listen to me! ,ou are -sdru ael Bect, 5upreme 0ord of the &a al of the /lac) .eart! ,our word is !reater in power than a thousand of the ;mperor#s $itans! ,ou say #war# and !alaxies crum le eneath the mi!ht of your people! ,ou say #peace#, and millions lament for it will e your peace" -s your people descend from the s)ies to )ill and enslave they do so not for !lory or power, ut ecause they can" $rue power needs no 9ustification, no reason, only to exist" ,ou wield true power, my friend" Aower over life and death" 2ow rise H rise up and claim that power once more! Asdru7ae 5ect: /oesn't say anything for several moments, then looks up at 9aghatai Ahan and smiles. Do you always save your words for inspirin! speeches? +s that what you do? 0aghatai 2han: Kpenetrat- 2L ,es Asdru7ae 5ect: )tands to his feet. $han) you for that" + feel much etter" +n the face of supposed despair, it#s always !ood to e reminded that you can still )ic) ass despite comin! from a #dex that hasn#t een updated in a decade Angron: +#m happy for you, really ,e's not. /ut how the hell do + rea) these walls down? .ow comes Bul)an can punch a hole throu!h the wall into the cell next door ut +#ve een ashin! my head on the door and nothin! has happened? Asdru7ae 5ect: $he walls etween the cells are normal ferrocrete" $he walls etween the cells and the outside prison complex, however, are mere ferrocrete layer over pure narrativium" We fi!ured it wasn#t worth the effort to ma)e travel 7etween cells impossi le, as we often imprison from many different species who will never !et alon! even with a common enemy in si!ht Angron: 2arrativium? +#ve never heard of it Asdru7ae 5ect: ,ou wouldn#t have" +t#s somethin! only possi le in the Warp, where the laws of realities mix and crum le" $he we way, y its nature, is an extension of the Warp, so narrativium may e formed without 6 unpleasant side-effects" We imported the desi!n specifications from the Discworld millennia a!o """ Angron: +t#s loody hard Asdru7ae 5ect: +t#s narratively impossi le to rea) 5u kan: 5o how do we !et out? Asdru7ae 5ect: 0alks to the door and holds his hand up against it. 0uc)ily all the doors in this place have a psychic #cheat code# em edded within them to react to my psychic si!nature" + wouldn#t ma)e a city without me havin! the ac)-)eys to everythin!, would +? As he speaks the door swings wide open without a sound. 5u kan: $hat#s handy" Do all doors open that easily to you?
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Asdru7ae 5ect: #rins mischievously. -ll of them 5u kan: +auses for a moment, then shudders. + shouldn#t have as)ed that ,e follows :ect out, in turn followed by a rather irate Angron and a calm 9aghatai Ahan. 5n the corridor outside :ect is quickly opening all the doors he can find. :arious scum of 8ommorragh run into the prison, slaughtering newly-pacifistic guards left right and centre. 5n the midst of the carnage :ect, the +rimarchs, and 1elith ,espera! meet up. Asdru7ae 5ect: $his is fun! + haven#t slau!htered this many defenceless people since + !ot invited to that 1alactic Aeace convention some years ac)! ,ora!: Who the hell would invite you to somethin! li)e that? 5u kan: (orax! Where the hell did you appear from? ,ora!: + made the mista)e of thin)in! + could chan!e my rother#s mind after seein! his roadcast standin! next to that itch of a !irlfriend" + !ot stuc) in here when that plan sun)" 5o """ 1ooks around. $his a rea)-out? Fast-for%ard to the resent:

5u kan: 8hecking his combi-multi-meltagun. -nd that#s how we !ot here -ecate: +ausing between checking her own weapons. + !et the feelin! you#re missin! a lar!e chun) of story out """ 5u kan: (eigning innocence. :eally? What !ives you that impression? -ecate: -fter the affair with the Alot .ole and its nefarious attempts to devour our universe in an or!y of adly-written /lac) 0i rary pulp fiction 6 which is happenin! anyway ut that#s eside the point 6 + too) some lesson on #.ow 6ot $o Write (ohesive 'iction#, and rother you 9ust tic)ed all the oxes" .ow did you !et from the (ommorra!h prison complex to here, inside one of the most heavily fortified fortresses in the )nown !alaxy? ,ora!: $he power of narrative, sister" $he Alot needed us to e here in order for it to move forward, and hence we travelled here with the minimum of fuss 5u kan: 2ot countin! the side-trip to 2octurne to pic) up my stash of 6 somewhat ille!ally confiscated -dMech weaponry """ -ecate: aises an eyebrow. ,ou#ve een hoardin! -deptus Mechanicus weaponry?

5u kan: .ell yeah" $hey !et cooler stuff than we do H us! .pace Marines! Where#s the 9ustice in that? &rand Master of the 4fficio Assassinorum: Appearing from nowhere. Oh woe etide the fact that any military or!anisation in the +mperium !ets etter !ear than you !enetically en!ineered frea)-shows" +f you#re still interested in savin! this empire, then you mi!ht e interested to )now that my people are in place and ready for you to !ive the order to execute operation #5ave $racy#s /ac)side 7-!ain8# 5u kan: 1ooking at his siblings. 0oc) and load* we#re !oin! up a!ainst our hardest challen!e yet H office c erks

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There's an uncomfortable silence. 5u kan: ,eah 6 that really doesn#t sound particularly dramatic, does it?

= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = =
DAWN OF WAR ARC PART II - POLYGON INVASION
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND SIX "THE GREAT DEBATE"
To the victory, the spoils. -r something like that anyway. Throughout the course of ,uman history wars have been fought for many reasons; from money, land, resources, religion, because-you-haven't-had-a-decent-war-for-ages-and-that-small-country-ne!tdoor-looks-like-a-pushover. Bou name it, we as a species will think up a reason to kill lots of people for it. 5n the 'nightmare' future of the forty-first millennium war is generally fought because people can't learn to share the last .ammy dodger and the only biscuits left are those damn rich tea variety that taste like cardboard left in the sun all day. To be honest no one is e!actly sure why Magnus the ed decided to get off his la$y arse, put down the /R/ books, and invade a planet, let alone (enris. There's an atmosphere of hope that sooner or later he would provide an e!pository speech and all will be revealed. -f course, this being + 5MA 8,) there probably isn't a reason, and the author .ust decided to indulge in some good old-fashioned character derailment .ust to get a plot moving. After all, if it works for the *lack 1ibrary 2 )peaking of which, we now return our attention to that small water-covered rock of icebergs and migrating :ikings, where a great fortress has fallen in battle thanks to dastardly and downright cheating strategies. As the captured and defeated )pace 0olves are lined up before the victorious leaders of the Thousand )ons legion, Magnus the ed sei$es the opportunity to at last settle and age-old wrong between the two legions" Magnus the Red: )tanding triumphantly in a pose that he hopes makes him look superior. 5n reality it makes him look like smug wargamer who .ust managed to pull off four si!es in a row and is now boasting that it places him higher on the list of social worth than people who feed starving kids in Africa. 4ean-0uc Aicard is the superior captain of the 7nterprise" ,ou cannot deny this fact now 0eman! +oints dramatically at the kneeling +rimarch. /eman Russ: )ighing, having heard it all before a thousand times. What the hell have you een ta)in! laddie? 4im &ir) is o viously the winner* he could )ic) that half-'rench twit any day of the wee)! /ogan &rimnar: )taring at the both of them in disbelief from where he kneels beside his lord. Alease tell me this isn#t all 9ust a out which )tar Trek captain is your favourite? Magnus the Red: )pins upon one foot to face the captured 0olf 1ord. -re you trivialisin! such an important matter? $his %uestion is part of the very life lood of all $re))ies! $he foundation upon which all !ee) de ates are founded! $his %uestion is 6 important! /ogan &rimnar: /ut it#s a pointless %uestion! /esides 6 5is)o is 7 atant y the more
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adass captain Magnus the Red: Aghast. .eretic! /ogan &rimnar: 2ow there's an ironic statement " "" '(orn the Fe -handed: 8hained to the wall. + elieve we#re missin! the elephant in the room, so to spea)" + refer, of course, to why we#ve een attac)ed, how we lost, and where do we !o from here? /eman Russ: -ye" $he tin can spea)s some sense 7for once8! ,ou used T1eentch, for cryin! out loud! + thou!ht we a!reed a!es a!o no god- ike gir friends! $hey#re cheating Ma!nus, you cheated! + admit dustin! off those terminator suits with the cyclone missile launchers and assault cannons for my Wolf 1uard was a little 6 unfair 6 ut + didn#t cheat! + may e playin! an earlier edition ut +#m sti p aying 7y the ru es! ,ou cheated! Magnus the Red: ,es + cheated! + did thin) a out attle plans, a out multiple ways to assault this impre!na le fortress, ut you )now what? + honestly tried, ut in the end + called up $" ,ou )now why? /ecause if we had fou!ht normally, if we had wa!ed an epic, chapter-spannin! sie!e that had explosions, death, sacrifice, and all that crap" +f we had done that there would have een character de"e opment$ We would have tal)ed* you and + etween sword lows li)e some crappy shonen man!a" We mi!ht have come to an understandin!* sorted out our differences, esta lished a new sense of a relationship ased on lo!ical pro!ression from what we had efore" ,ou )now what? + honestly cou dn't 7e arsed with all that" 5o + called in $" 5he )ic)ed your ass so + wouldn#t have to suffer throu!h the multiple chapters that otherwise would needed to have een dedicated to it /eman Russ: Wait 6 you cheated ecause you were too a1y to do it normally? Magnus the Red: 2o, + didn#t want to loo) into those puppy-do! eyes of yours and second-!uess my own actions" ;very time efore when +#ve attempted to )ic) your ass you say somethin!, do somethin!, then we all fall a out lau!hin! and it#s ac) to ein! those rothers who 'rea y' love each other 9ust don#t li)e everyone else to )now '(orn the Fe -handed: /ut we )now anyway Magnus the Red: Oh %uiet! +#ve won* you#ve lost" 4ust accept it so we can !et to the next partF pu licly ac)nowled!in! your heinous acts a!ainst psy)ers throu!hout the universe! There's another uncomfortable silence. /eman Russ: (ome a!ain? Magnus the Red: +#ve heard the talesF huntin! down psy)ers and ma)in! them watch *ritain's #ot Talent on repeat for hours on end! Aunishin! my people ecause of your ridiculous superstitions! +t sickens me 0eman, and in the name of my )ind +#m here to rin! you to 9ustice! /eman Russ: Thinks for a moment. + don#t remem er doin! any of that Magnus the Red: ,ou lie! Ahriman: 2o he#s tellin! the truth

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Magnus the Red: .ow can you e sure? Ahriman: +#m psychic Another uncomfortable silence. Magnus the Red: -h 6 of course 1ooks down at 1eman incredi ly relia le sources! uss. /ut + was informed y

Ahriman: 2ow you mention it, my ex-lord, 9ust who are your #sources#? Magnus the Red: 5ome shifty-loo)in! !uy in red power armour, his face o scured y a cloa)" -t first + thou!ht he was a /lood -n!el who hadn#t cleaned his armour for a!es, ut then + cau!ht a loo) at his chapter ad!e and it wasn#t any + reco!nised /eman Russ: What did it loo) li)e? Magnus the Red: - !iant ird at the wron! time of the month" Ouite distur in! Ahriman: Wait a moment 6 +#m havin! horri le flash ac)s to when + !uest-starred in a ( 5 1oto oo) """ ,is face is horrified. /lood :avens! /eman Russ: $hose snea)y possi le-traitor-related astards set you up Ma!nus! /ut why? What !ood does it do for them to have us at each other#s throats? T1eentch: ,aving .ust finished washing her hair walks into the scene. .ave you !uys heard a out $erra ein! esie!ed y dis!runtled office staff? /eman Russ: 5n deep thought 2 well, as deep as 1eman's thoughts can get, which is to say not much deeper than the shallow end at your local pre-school pool. +t could e coincidence 6 ut 9ust when $erra faces it#s !reatest crisis those who have the power over such a foe are occupied with their a!e-old enemy! Ahriman: *links in confusion. ,ou have power over office staff? What type of lame astartes power is that? T1eentch: + thou!ht the Eltramarines were supposed to e the ones -vera!e 4oe and his wife vote for at the annual -startes Aopularity contest? /eman Russ: What? $hat i! lue astard and his lue astard )in? 2ah H who saved the citi3ens of -rma!eddon from nasty concentration camp death after -n!ron had his way with the planet? /ogan &rimnar: -h, my lord? We didn#t save them /eman Russ: -ye, ut we filed several stron!ly-worded letters of complaint! That showed them didn#t it? /ogan &rimnar: 'ods in agreement, mainly out of despair. -ye, my lord Magnus the Red: 8ollapsing to his knees. +#ve een played! /y a mere fourth-rate chapter at that! .ow can + are to show my face a!ain? T1eentch: 8onsolingly pats him on the shoulder. $here, there darlin!" +t#ll e O& 0ith a flick of the wrist she shunts him into a pocket dimension. ,ou can an!st in there for the time ein!

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Ahriman: $hat was rather harsh wasn#t it? T1eentch: .e#ll !et over it, otherwise he won#t e !ettin! any for the rest of eternity )he snaps her fingers and the magical binds around the )pace 0olves dissipate. +t appears someone wants to play !ames with the +mperium" + elieve that someone needs to e educated in who plays the !ames around here )he grins evilly. What say you 0eman? /eman Russ: + have a horri le feelin! +#m only lettin! myself !et suc)ered into yet another #9ust as planned# reveal at the end of this affair 6 ut if it means + !et to save .orus# ass then count me in!

= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = =
DAWN OF WAR ARC PART II - POLYGON INVASION
CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN "AND YOU THOUGHT BUS TRAVEL WAS DULL ..."
5n the grim darkness of the far future, there is only 2 waiting. 'o seriously. 0ith the sheer logistics required to move armies from world to world, a vast amount of time spent in the H<st millennium is waiting for the army to arrive at the ne!t world to fight over. 'eedless to say this is both very boring and very unglamorous, which is why it's generally left out of the stories %by a certain company that shall remain nameless&. ,owever, we here at + 5MA 8,) love to dive into those moments, for it's when the characters of the dark millennium are at their most bored that we truly see their character. 'eedless to say, the 7ldar are no e!ception to the rule. Ta deer: +#m 7ored )he sighs and continues to attempt to .uggle three soulstones above where she sits on the command deck of the 7ldar craft. Mephiston: 'ind somethin! to entertain yourself with 'otices the e!pression out of the corner of her eye. Also he can read her mind %being sychic&. +s that the first thin! you thin) of? Ta deer: 5orry" + recently switched my part-time Aath from $he Way of the 'lower -rran!er to the Way of 5elf 5exual 5atisfaction )he shrugs nonchalantly. Mephiston: *links. $hat#s some chan!e in direction" What were you* unsatisfied? -m + that ad or somethin!? /ecause + definitely felt some deep satisfaction comin! my empathic way last time we- Ta deer: What? 2o! + mean 6 loo) 6 +#m not sure how to phrase this, ut 6 ;ldar men usually 6 last 6 lon!er """ Mephiston: .ow much lon!er? Taldeer mumbles something almost unintelligible. Mephiston: F+53 DA?.?!? ,46.TA6T/??!? ,ou can't e serious?!? Ta deer: A little embarrassed. +#m afraid + am 6 you see ;ldar men are 9ust too arro!ant to accept a refractory period" Or muscle fati!ue" Or exhaustion" Or anythin!
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that !ets in the way of !ood 6 days-lon! 6 sex Mephiston: )tares around at the bridge crew subtly listening in to their conversation. + want the record to stand that + hate you all and wish you psychic syphilis ,e ignores their laughter. Well 6 +#m sorry +#m a disappointment you $al" +#ll thin) of somethin! 6 li)e transcend into a pure psychic entity """ Macha: +opping herself down beside Taldeer. + did that once 6 in a ( 5 1oto oo)" 2ot sure how that wor)s )he frowns. +t#s a it confusin! ein! involved with conflictin! continuities, ut + wouldn#t want to do that a!ain" $he plot holes involved too) wee)s to come out, and they hurt li)e a itch on the way Ta deer: $han) you Mach for that charmin! mental ima!ery" -nythin! else you want to admit? 0i)e your lon!-standin! infatuation with the .uman (orpse-1od? Mephiston clears his throat loudly. +#m sorry dear, + for!et you find that culturally insensitive Macha: Trying to wave away a severe hot flush. + do not 6 + never 6 + wouldn#t think of 6 that#s a ad, ad +nternet meme! + don#t )now who started it, ut the thin!s + intend to do when + eventually find them """ Ta deer: /ore them to death with tales of your continuin! millennia-lon! celi acy campai!n? Macha: + 6 that was mean $al! $hat was mean! Meaner than you tellin! everyone at the last 5eer#s council a out my extensive wraith one vi rator collection """ ealises what she .ust said and claps her hands to her mouth in shock. ,aptain: -bserving his strange guests from where he stands monitoring the glyph displays. Alease don#t stop" We#ve still !ot another five days estimated travel time to 'enrillarimanaliam Mephiston: $o where? Ta deer: $hat#s the eldar name for 'enris" +t means # i! smelly do!-filled water hole# Mephiston: + didn#t thin) it was !oin! to e anythin! pleasant" -re you e"er complimentary to anyone not eldar? )ilence. Mephiston: 5tupid %uestion, + realise """ Ta deer: -lmost as silly as when you as)ed why we have such ri!ht colours for our aspect warriors" $hat from someone who wears ri!ht red armour and rides into attle on ri!ht red tan)s Mephiston: Do not insult our chapter colours Ta deer: Do not insult our aspect colours Mephiston: $ouchN 0ithout warning the ship rocks violently, spilling the three to the ground. Ta deer: +icking herself up. (aptain! What#s happenin!? ,aptain: We#ve encountered a lar!e presence within the Warp and are movin! to avoid
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encounterin! it" $his may cause some completely unnecessary dramatic action only ecause we need to low a certain amount of this chapter#s ud!et on something other than your endless drivel of a conversation Ta deer: + resent that- )he frowns, then gasps. + sense a lar!e num er of psy)ers out there" $heir souls are shinin! to me li)e a ad talent show advertisement ,aptain: Daemons? Mephiston: 2o" $heir minds are familiar ,is eyes widen. 5pace Marines! (aptain, they are space marines! .undreds of space marine psy)ers! Ta deer: Drop us out of the Warp now! ,aptain: -s ordered, my lady #estures with a single hand, and the crew follow his orders flawlessly. The space outside distorts and returns to the familial black with frequent white spots. ,aptain: )tudying the charts before him. .mm 6 this is interestin!" + dou t this is y chance, my lady, ut y some mysterious fortune we seem to have left space near the )nown position of the craftworld Oto!sc Mephiston: +sn#t that-? Ta deer: 2ever mind" (aptain* esta lish communications with the craftworld and re%uest that we ma)e use of their We way facilities immediately" ;ldrad needs to )now of this space marine psy)er army as soon as possi le Mephiston: -ssumin! he doesn#t already )now """ Fast for%ard one scene transition 3 drad < thran: )peaking through a holographic display transmitting through a micro webway connection. + indeed already )now Mephiston: ;ldrad, you#re a dic) 3 drad < thran: 5o people )eep tellin! me, ut + do have a reputation as the !reatest farseer alive to live up to 0e find out heroes now standing inside the great council chamber of the craftworld of -togsc. )everal of the elders watch silently as Taldeer speaks with the great Sldrad %well, 'great' in their eyes at least&, while Mephiston shuffles around, clearly bored. Macha plays on her 0)+ %0raith)tation +ortable& and ignores the headache she got when Taldeer's large arse landed on her. ,aldeer: 3,ey4 5 heard that46 3 drad < thran: +!nore the narrator and concentrate on the storyline, $aldeer" $hat psychic fleet is what + feared could e ehind this #Enion# nonsense Mephiston: What do you mean # ehind# the Enion? +sn#t the Enion under the leadership of the D'1? 3 drad < thran: $hat wouldn#t ma)e a very excitin! storyline if the ad !uys were that o vious, would it? +#ve een searchin! for the #man ehind the dead !irl#, as it were, and
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+ fear + may have found him in the form of the /lood :avens Mephiston: What do those prime-chapter-spot wanna ies want? 3 drad < thran: + don#t )now, ut outside the $housand 5ons only they can collate so many psy)ers in one spot, and Ma!nus# dust )ids are )ic)in! around on 'enris as we spea) Ta deer: 'enris! We need to help Ma!nus 7can#t elieve +#ll ever e sayin! that 68! 3 drad < thran: $his ta)es priority* + need you to !o immediately to $erra and warn my e!otistical e%ual a out the dan!er these /lood :avens may pose efore they ma)e their move" -lso ta)e 0or!ar with you" $he !uy needs somethin! to do /orgar: Oh crap" $he narrative#s found me at last

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