Abreia Epps 17 March 2014 Research Paper Marriage Counseling Introduction We all know the two things that

everyone wants in life or needs in life, money and love. Those are the two things that make the world go round. When it comes to love, marriage is something that a lot of people have and want. There are people who have been married 5 times trying to find the perfect person to love. Sometimes it doesnt work out but some couples want to seek some help as the last resort for helping their relationship. When you truly love someone and dont want to leave them, you will try to do anything to keep that relationship alive and strong. Couples may have experienced infidelity, trust issues, lack of compassion, or just lack of respect. A lot of those reasons are why couples seek marriage counseling; to change or prevent those things from happening in their marriage. This paper explores approaches to marriage counseling, specific attention given to how various counseling types are appropriate for the couples. Also what causes couples to decide to join marriage counseling, and how it benefits these couples and how to prevent negative things happening in their marriage. Literacy Review Terms: Infidelity: The subjective feeling that ones partner has violated a set of rules or relationship norms and this violation has resulted in feelings of sexual jealousy and rivalry. Marriage Counseling: The process of counseling the parties of a relationship in an effort to recognize and to better manage a reconcile troublesome differences in a marriage.
Comment [4]: Though these terms are known in a way, this preps the reader about what they will be seeing next in the writing. This also acts as a refresher. Comment [1]: Strong introduction! I liked how you explained what you would researching as well as gave scenarios in a way, to help the reader better comprehend, the problems or martial problems. Comment [2]: The introduction starts well but watch the wording towards the end when expressing the purpose of the paper Comment [3]: LOL. I laughed so hard. This is good because it is true and introduces your stance.

Sex role Stereotyping (SRS): Its known as labeling a person characteristics and behaviors just because they are a male or a female. Precursor Marriage Counseling Having some type of goal before coming to marriage counseling is important. Are you going to counseling because your marriage is failing and you want to save it? Are you going because you dont think you want to be married anymore but you want to just see if its something still there worth fighting for, or are you in the situation where your spouse is basically making you go, but you are already done with the marriage and you are just going because they want to. These reasons will have a toll on the outcome of marriage counseling. Finding a marriage counselor that fits your personal needs is important as well, and why you feel like you need marriage counseling. When it comes to religion, those who are religious individuals may want to go to a certain type of marriage counselor that fits their religious needs. According to Gingras Baker the Christian couples divorce rate are lower than those who dont consider themselves religious. Religious couples divorce rate is 25% lower than those that arent religious. A reason that may cause couples to attend marriage counseling is infidelity, and or suspicion of infidelity, also known as trust issues. There are just some things that couples have a hard time of letting go, and suspicion and infidelity are the main reason. Granted there are other reasons as well but those are the main reasons. 72 percent of married men have committed adultery and 54 percent of married women have committed adultery. In some cases people look at adultery differently than others. Women are more likely to be less surprised if a man has sexual activities with another woman than men. Some people think that its completely normal for their spouses or themselves to have thoughts about being with another person, some people may act out those thoughts but its known to be natural to some people, and thats when the
Comment [5]: Just add some in-text citations

disagreeing and the worrying that comes along. That brings me to the topic of Sex role stereotyping, which happens a lot in relationships and in life situations in general. Its more to be accepted when men do certain things to cause their relationship to go south then women. A woman cheats on her husband she gets called names or looked at a certain way, men cheat on their wives they may get the same reaction but not as extreme. Some counselors have to watch to make sure that they dont fall under the trap of sex role stereotyping, they have to make sure that the treat the male and female in the relationship the exact same. Another reason why couples end up in marriage counseling is because one spouse is more dominant than the other, or more controlling than the other. That may range from the way spouses may talk to one another, as in yelling in an argument. The tone they may use, a spouse may find it disrespectful; communication skills is key in a relationship. Some ways that counselors may address this problem, is by negotiating, or coming to a common ground. Couples have to change individual behaviors for each other in order to better their relationships. Marriage Counseling On a Christian aspect the marriage counselor may have a couple pray for each other in a session, and or relating some of their situations to the bible, and the Christian life. Dealing with spouses that has had a couple cheated on them is one of the hardest things to counsel. The goal is to move forward in the relationship if thats what both couples are trying to do. Coming to a common ground together as a couple to make the relationship stronger, but listen, the definition of infidelity can vary depending on the individual. You may have a husband that thinks that infidelity is having sex with another woman, whereas the wife may think just something as simple as flirting and wanting to pursue sexual activities with another woman is infidelity, so a goal in marriage counseling is to come to a common ground, and understand why the spouse
Comment [6]: Great detail! Maybe consider using more facts to back it up? Maybe a couple? Or even just try to find an area where you can add in text citations. Comment [7]: I like how you added a religious view to this. You could even add another religion.

feels a certain way about infidelity, and understanding why, and respecting that. The next step when it comes to infidelity, and the reason why Im choosing infidelity as the situation of why the couple is in counseling is because its the most common and the hardest situation to deal with. The next step is forgiveness; some couples have a hard time doing this because of the pain and hurt that, that person has caused them. But what some people fail to realize is that forgiving your spouse is not just for them, but for yourself as well. And when I say forgive, I mean really forgive, its easy for someone to say I forgive you, but you have to really forgive that person, or it wont help you or your spouse. Once you have forgiven your spouse you cant constantly bring it up in an argument or anything like that, not only does it mean that you truly havent forgiven that person but it may also cause other problems in the marriage. In counseling most counselors push the 5 Cs: communication, commitment, conflict resolution, children, and church. Those 5 things are the most important skills needed in a marriage, and those 5 things are the reasons why couples end up in marriage counseling in the first place. If couples worked at those things and accomplish those things their marriage will be successful. Some couples go to marriage counseling early even though maybe not having big problems but just to understand their spouse better, to make sure that they have a healthier marriage. Couples who have been married for 1 to years 87% of them felt like it was beneficial for them. The longer couples were married the less beneficial they felt this practice was. Couples that have been married for 7 years 50% of them thought it was beneficial. Some probably thought it wasnt much beneficial because they have gotten to know each other a little bit more than those who only have been married for a couple of years.
Comment [10]: fully enjoyed how you took things into your hands! The usage of I made it more personal. I was able to connect to you personally, and see what you actually thought about the situation. Comment [9]: It is great that you used statistics but maybe use more specific statistics. the statistics given her are a little on the vague side. For example, " Couples who have been married for 1 to years..." Comment [8]: I really like how you mentioned the 5 C's in counseling. I also like how you gave the significance of them.

Entering the Conversation

If I were running a marriage counseling program I would make sure that my program would have a balance between secular and religious couples. I want to be able to run a program that the counselors are comfortable working with both types of couples. I would prefer for them to be religious individuals, but at the same time can put their beliefs behind them if they have to deal with a couple who is secular. Some needs that should be approached in marriage counseling for religious couples is one, bringing up details about the bible and how it references to marriages. Make sure that whatever their religion is, it is referenced by that religion in particular, because we all know that religions vary depending on which kind it is. Different counselors can deal with different religion couples. I think one counselor knowing a lot of different religions may not be the smartest thing, maybe depending on the counselors preference, can be the religion that they focus on, but they can also change it up if needed. When it comes to those that are secular, obviously they are more worldly people so unless they show some type of religious or godly tendencies, try not to say anything about it. Separation between religion and secular therapy are important because you dont want to cause the patients to leave based on the fact that you dont really understand them and what they need, its something little that can cause a big problem depending on how big a person feels about their beliefs. I also want dealing with couples of the same sex in my program; in my paper that wasnt talked about so I would like to address that. Slowly but surely relationships of the same sex are growing into marriages. Its more acceptable now and more open now than it has been in the past, and I would make sure that the counselors in my program are comfortable dealing with couples that are the same sex, and be able to handle any situation. Im sure their situations are just like those of the opposite sex, regardless couples deal with the same issues so at the end of the day I think that being comfortable with that is rather important.
Comment [11]: Same sex couples are slightly different than non same sex couples. What tactics would you use in counseling them?

A Marriage Counseling Scenario Theres a couple, male and female, both African American, and also and they are having marital issues. The wife has a problem with her husband being out all night without calling or letting her know where he is doing. She said she has addressed the situation several times but nothing has changed and shes getting tired of it. Tired to the point where she has threatened to leave him if he hasnt changed and he hasnt. The husband feels as if he doesnt have to and constantly states, Whats the big deal? as his response to her complaints. Hes out with his friends enjoying himself he doesnt feel like he has to check in every 30 minutes. Hes not a child he says. This is a couple who has been married for 2 years, and dated a year before they were married. As a marriage counselor I would approach the situation by first asking the wife, why she feels like her husband has to check in with her. She responded by saying, To make sure that he is alright, and he isnt doing anything hes not supposed to be doing. I respond by asking her what it is that she thinks that he is doing, that she has to check up on him. She hesitated, and her husband buts in and said Because she doesnt trust me. She doesnt respond and rolls her eyes at him. I asked if thats true. She doesnt respond for a second and then says, How could I when he doesnt answer my calls, doesnt call me back, doesnt tell me where he is going how am I supposed to trust him? I look at the husband face expression; he looks partly like he doesnt care and partly like he feels bad. I turn to the husband and I asked him why he doesnt support his wifes wishes. He responded by saying, I just dont feel like I have to, he responded. I asked the question I feel like his wife, wants and needs to know. I asked the husband if he wants to stay married with his wife or if he has ever cheated on her. He responded by saying, No I love my wife, and no I have never cheated on her and I never will. I explained to him, that his

wife wants him to check in because she cares about what he is doing and who he is with. As her husband just to avoid problems, all he has to do is call her and tell her hes good, he is hanging with his friends, everything is okay. Just out of respect and love for her. I would talk to the wife and explain to her, that her husband has not given her any real reason that he isnt faithful, and if he says he hasnt cheated on her then she just has to believe him until proven wrong. This is just the first day I have met with this couple. I do feel like there are some deeper issues that this couple has to deal with but I will address them in later sessions. So What After explaining all the details on why couples end up in marriage counseling, and how marriage counselors help their patients by knowing their needs and beliefs, you ask the question So what, who cares, why is this important. Well that is very easy question to answer. If you or anyone is having a problem in your marriage or any kind of relationship at all you want to deal with the best counselors to help you and your spouse get to a better place in your lives. You dont want to be dealing with someone who doesnt know what they are talking about, or someone who doesnt have the same beliefs as you or believe in what you believe in. You want to deal with someone who wants to help you and understand what you are going through. Marriage counselors need to know what the problems are in the relationship to help a couple out. They need to know how both of you are personality wise to figure out how the two individuals can come together and work through their problems.