RelationshipTypeTalk

From 16WaystoLoveYourLover,byOttoKroegerandJanetM.Thuesen,1994

CommunicationTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Extravert Extravert Introvert
Repeatwhatyouheardyourpartner Demandquiettimeandspacefrom saybeforeyoubeginspeaking. yourpartner. Trynottotalkatthesametime. Workatbeingdirectandexpressive nowandthen. Trytohearwhatsbeingsaid Dontbeafraidtoshouttomake withoutformulatingyourresponse. yourselfheardorunderstood. Ifnecessary,counttofivebefore youspeak.

Extravert Introvert

Introvert

AndYourPartneris

Allowforprivatetime.Trytosit Fightavoidancebyspeakingout,no silentlyinyourpartnerspresence. matterhowawkwarditmayseem. Nowandthen,putitinwriting Edityourselfoutloudinsteadof insteadofsayingit. inside. Findalternativewaysofexpressing Enjoythesilence,appreciatethespace, yourself. andloveyourpartnerscontemplative nature.

Sensor Sensor
Workonrestatingtheobviousin generalterms. Shareyourdreamswitheachother.

iNtuitive
Rememberthatmuchofwhatyousay anddontsaywillbetakenliterally. Appreciatethespecificandgrounded helpyourpartnergivestowhatyou say. Rememberthatyourpartnerprefers precisionandfactsbeforeheorshe canformulatearesponse.

Trytokeepeachotherfrom always interpretingsoliterallywhats beingsaid.

Sensor iNtuitive

iNtuitive

Keepinmindthatwhateveryou Besuretocheckouteachothers say,yourpartnerwillfinddifferent meaningsaboutwhatisbeingsaid. waystointerpretit. Checkinterpretationsandmeanings Allowtimeforeachofyoutostop, soyouaresatisfiedwithwhats look,listen,smell,feel,ortaste.Dont beensaid. beafraidtoletyoursensesbecome overloaded. Keepinmindthatyourpartnermay Translatewhattheotherissayinginto naturallygiveageneralresponseto specifics:who,what,where,when, yourspecificstatement. andwhy.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page1

CommunicationTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Thinker Thinker
Rememberthateachofyouhas emotions.Besuretoconsider feelingsinyourcommunications. Becarefulnottobecometoo competitiveinyour conversations. Ifothersarepresent,beawareof howtheywillhearwhatyouare saying.

Feeler
Dontbeafraidtohaveaknock downdragoutfightnowand then. Onceinawhile,trytoexpress somethingnegativewithout feelingguilty AvoidsayingImsorryorIts myfaulttoyourpartnerduring anargument.

Thinker Feeler

Feeler

AndYourPartneris

TrytosayImsorryonceina Facethedisagreeablewitheach while,ifonlyongeneral other.Rememberthatitcannot principle. beavoided. SayIloveyouwhateverthat Trynottorescueorpersonalize meanstoyouwithnopurposeor whattheotherpersonsays. goalinmind.Or,ifyouprefer, sendacard. Keepinmindthatwhenyour partnersurfacesanissue,heor shemaywantsupport,not analysis. Enjoytheaffirmationsandgood feelingsyougiveeachother.

Judger Judger
Giveinnowandthen,even whenyouknowyouareright. Trytoraiseaquestioninplace ofgivinganansweroroffering advice. Rememberthatsomethingsare beyondeitherofyourcontrol.

Perceiver
Helpyourpartnerunderstand thatheorshecan'control everythingespeciallyyou. Helpyourpartnerseemorethan justanswersanddirectionsin whatyouaresaying. Rememberthatwhatyour partnerissayingmaynotbe final,evenifshesaysitis.

Judger Perceiver
Avoidputtingyourpartnerina corner,conversationally.Allow roomforhimorhertomove. Helpyourpartnersortoutwhat youdonotwant,knowingthat youcanlivewiththe rest.

Perceiver

Makesurethatoneofyoumakes adecisionandfollowsthrough withit. Helpeachotherfocusthe conversation.Trytomonitor whenoneofyoustraysoff course. Appreciateyourpartnersability Trywheneverpossibletofinish togeneratealternatives.Dontbe hey,isthatanewcar?your afraidtoconsiderthem sentences.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page2

SexandIntimacyTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Extravert Extravert
Allowsometimetolistento eachother.

Introvert
Promiseyourselftobemore expressiveaboutwhatsgoing on,whatyouthinkaboutit,and howitmakesyoufeel. Talkmorethanyoupersonally feelisnecessary.Saynothing. Trytodomorethanjust whisper.Forcesomeloudness inexpressingyourself.

Talkaboutthemoment.Paint wordpictures.Butbecareful nottocompetewitheachother. Makeitloudandlovely,witha varietyofexpressions.

Extravert

Introvert
Sharesomeofwhatyouare thinking. Rememberyoubothneedto pushyourselvestodiscloseyour experience. Enjoytothemaximumthequiet reflectivecloseness.

AndYourPartneris

Introvert

Allowtimeandspaceforyour matetoreflectonthe experience. Listenandaffirm,ratherthen preparingaresponsewhilemate istalking. Solicitandcontractinadvance forverbalfeedback.

Sensor Sensor
Forgetallelseandrevelinthe moment. Experienceallthesights, sounds,smells,tastes,and touchesavailable. Dontworryaboutenjoyingthe momenttoomuch.

iNtuitive
Createpicturesofyour intentions,thenactuponthem. Overloadyourspacewith sounds,smells,andother sensoryexperiences. Bespecific,tactile,and immediate.

Sensor iNtuitive
Allowtimetoshareprevious experiences. Showandtellyourpartnerwhat youwant. Dotoyourpartnerwhatyou wantdonetoyou.

iNtuitive
Teaseyourfantasies,andhave allneededpropsavailable. Shareyourwildestfantasies, thenactthemout. Shareyourdreamsandvisions oftheultimateexperience.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page3

SexandIntimacyTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Thinker Thinker Feeler
Thewaytoallgoodsexisthrough Dontoverpersonalize. themind.Thinkaboutit. Challengeyourpartnerto discusssexualideas. Sharetheconceptofintimacyand Plantthoughtsofsexforlater discussit. on. Baitwithanidea,hookwitha Think andanalyzesoyoucan mentalimage,andreelinwitha bothlearnfromtheexperience. challenge.

Thinker Feeler
Dontyoubeafraidtosounda littlesyrupyorsentimental.It wontkillyouandyourloverwill appreciateit. Afterward,bepositive,affirming, andtenderhearted. Trynottobeanalytical. Experiencethemomentwithout tryingtoimproveit.

Feeler
Loseyourselfforyourpartner. Itmakesyouahappy,fulfilled martyr. Helpeachotherbepositiveand affirming,withmanyhappy strokes. Keepinmindthatalittleguilt plusalittleabsolutionequals perfecttogetherness.

AndYourPartneris

Judger Judger
ItsontheList.Nowisthetime todoit. Followyourtriedandtrue routines.Theybringsecurityand freedom. Haveyourplansandsharethem. Decidewhowillbespontaneous eachtime.

Perceiver
Recognizethatasurprise, thoughexciting,canbemore stressfulthansexy. Hitandrun:Dropafewhints, getoutoftheway,andtryto bringituplater. Remember,changeand spontaneityforyourpartner happenslowlyovertime.

Judger Perceiver
Themoreyouknowyourlimits, themoreyouwillbefreeto experiment. Plantostretchabit.Nowand then,plantodosomething unplanned. Announceyourplansand intentions.Talkaboutwhats negotiableandwhatisnt.

Perceiver
Whenever,however,gowith theflow.Enjoyjustletit happen. Processtheexperienceand seduceeachotherwitherotic alternatives. Intimacyhasnobeginningsor endings.Ithappenswhenand whereithappens.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page4

FinanceTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Extravert Extravert Introvert
Decidewhatsprivateand Demandthatyourneedsand whatspublicinformation,so positionsbeheardonfinancial youdontaccidentallydisclose matters. sensitivematters. Trynottocompetebybragging Makeitcleartoyourpartner aboutyourfinancestofriends aboutwhichmattersarepublic andtoeachother. andwhichareprivate. Workhardatlisteningtoeach Demandtimeforreflectionat othersopposingpointsof least24hoursafterdiscussing view. anyfinancialdiscussionsbefore takingaction.

Extravert Introvert

Introvert

AndYourPartneris

Respectthatyourpartners Committoregularlysharingyour financesmaybeveryprivateto thoughtsandfeelingsonfinancial himorher. issues. Checkinadvancewhatcanand Rememberthatitisokaytoseek cannotbeshared. helpfromfinancialprofessionals.

Bewareofexaggerating, overpowering,fasttalking, ornotlisteningtoyour partner. Sensor Sensor

Thoughexactnessisimportant, rememberthereismoreto financethanfactsandfigures. Trynottoburyone anotherin details.

Workatkeepingthe communicationlinesopen. Takenothingforgranted. Intuitive

Payattentiontothespecificsand details,knowingyoucantrip yourselfupifyoudont. Drawonyourpartnersnatural talentstodealwithbeing practicalandfactualabout finances. Helpyourpartnerseepossibilities andfuturepotential without demeaninghisorherpointof view.

Stayawareofprecisionandthe present,butallowwiggleroom forfuturefun.

Sensor iNtuitive

Intuitive

Workatbalancingyourneed Giventhatneitherofyouisgood forexactnesswithsome withdetails,makesuresomeone unknownpossibilities. iscoveringthem. Keepyourpartnerawareof Seekoutsomeonewhowill specificamounts,aswellas implementyourcombinedmaster yourspecificneeds. financialplans. Providedetailstofleshoutyour Takesometimetoidentifyeach partnersfantasiesandbig ofyourrolesandresponsibilities pictureideas. infinancialmatters.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page5

FinanceTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Thinker Thinker Feeler
Moneycanrepresentpowertoyou Becarefulnottolayguiltonyour both.Becarefulnottoletit partneroverfinancialdisagreements. becomestiflingorasourceof abuse. Remindeachothertheresmoreto Respectyourpartnersobjectivity. lifeandyourrelationshipthan Dontbeafraidtouseittoabsolve dollarsandcents. yourpersonalguilt. Recognizeeachothersfinancial Avoidpersonalizingyour strengthsandusethem differences.Hangtoughduring accordingly. financialdiscussionsand disagreements.

Thinker Feeler
Beawarethatyoursharp differencesmaynotmeanthatone ofyouisrightandtheother wrong. Clarifyyourrolesandbemindful ofhoweachofyougives perspectivetoeachother. Helpyourpartnerrecognizethe limitsofyourfinances,andsort outthecauseswithoutimposing blameorguilt.

Feeler
Resolveearlyonwhoistobechiefly responsibleandhavethefinalword onfinancialmatters. Keepinmindthatanoutside financialconsultantmaybehelpful inprovidingobjectivity. Avoidanceanddenialwonthelp. Successrequiresleadershipwitha minimumofpersonalization.

AndYourPartneris

Judger Judger

Perceiver

Becarefultoavoidtoomuchfocus Rememberthatyourpartnerwill onmoney,work,andsavings. becomestressedbyalackof structure,particularlywithmoney matters. Schedulesomeunaccountable Showyourpartnerhowwindfalls funmoneyforeachofyou. andunplannedincomecanbe opportunitiesforfun. Remindyourselvesthatmoneyis Helpyourpartnerseetheneedfor notthegoal,itisonlyaresource bothfocusingandbeingspontaneous forachievingyourgoals. regardingfinances.

Judger Perceiver
Negotiateearlyonaboutyour roles,responsibilities,andhow youllstayaccountabletoeach other. Trynotto oneupyourpartner onfinancialmatters. Keepyourgoalsinfocus,but allowmoneyforunplanned matters.

Perceiver
Determineearlyonwhowillhave majorandwhowillhaveminor financialresponsibilities. Trytostayfocusedonyourfinancial goals,knowingthatyoullstill managetofindwaystomakeitfun. Supporteachother.Financesarenot astrengthforeitherofyou.Dont hesitatetouseoutsidehelp.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page6

ConflictTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Extravert Extravert
Stopcompeting.Haveoneparty playlistenerwhiletheothertalks Rememberthatthelastwordmay notbethefinalword. Trytoarguetheothersviewpoint. Repeatwhatyouheartheother personsaying.

Introvert
Demandheorshebesilentfor awhileandlisten. Trytoblurtoutthefirstthoughts thatcometomindwithoutediting theminadvance. Commityourselftoshareyour thoughts,evenifyouneedto writethemdownfirst.

Extravert Introvert
Avoidoverkillandredundancy.

Introvert
Forceyourselftospeakonissues. Aboveall,donotavoidconflict bybeingsilent. Commityourselftoworkingout theissuetogether,ratherthan internallybyyourself. Assumethatyourpartneris experiencingatleastasmuch stressasyouareovertheconflict.

AndYourPartneris

Sayyourpiece,then backoffand allowyourpartnertimetorespond. Jotsomethoughtsdownonpaper, perhapsjustalist,andshowitto yourpartner.

Sensor Sensor
Bewareofoverloadingeachother withfactsandspecifics. Whenyoudisagreeondetails,stop theaction,andcheckeachothers accuracybeforecontinuing. Trytoexploretheimpactand implicationsofwhatyouare saying.

Intuitive
Respectthatspecificfactsmaybe necessarytoresolvetheconflict. Helpyourpartnerseemeanings andimplicationsofthedetailshe orshepresents. Avoidtryingtowinanargument byfocusingonlyonthebig picture.

Sensor iNtuitive
Keepyoupartnergroundedand specific. Trytograsptheimplicationsand meaningsofwhatisbeingsaid.

iNtuitive
Recognizethatyoubothtendto avoidfacts,orbendthemto proveyourcase. Ifyoudisagreeonaperception, stopandcheckitforaccuracy beforetheconflictescalateson misinformation. Workhardwitheachothertostay grounded,precise,andinthe present.

Avoidintroducingsomanydetails thatyoulosesightofthebigger picture.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page7

ConflictTypeTalk
Ifyouare
Thinker Thinker
Knowwhentostopanalyzingand competing. Recognizeyoubothhaveemotions andthathurtfeelingsmay result fromyourdisagreement. Itisokaytolosetheargument. Lifewillgoon.

Feeler
Trytorememberthatnotall criticismisdirectedatyou. Standyourground.Stateyour positionandtrytostayobjective. AvoidsayingImsorryor Yourerightasmuchas possible.Itsokaytoargue.Life willgoon.

Thinker Feeler

Feeler

AndYourPartneris

Keepinmindthatwhateveryouare Facetheconflict.Standtoughand sayingwillbetakenpersonally, dontavoidit. evenifyoudontmeanitthatway. ItisokaytosayImsorrywhen Trynottopressforearly youmeanit. resolutionoftheissueinthename ofharmony. Trytoshowyourhumanside Rememberthatconflictcanbea duringtheconflict. positiveexperienceandthatboth ofyoucanlearnfromit.

Judger Judger
Conflictscantbescheduledbut resolvingthemcanbe.

Perceiver

Recognizethatyourpartnermay soundmoreangrythanheorshe actuallyis. Bringuptheissues,thenschedulea Helpyourpartnerseek timetodealwiththemlater. alternatives.Keephimorherfrom tryingtocometoaquickwinlose resolution. Ifanissueisntyetresolved,dont Hitandrun:Dropthetopicofthe saythatitisjusttobringclosureto conflictandleave,thencomeback thesituation. anddealwithitlater.

Judger Perceiver
Allowsomelatitudeforyour partnertoexploredifferentaspects ofthesubject. Pushforclosureforapositive resolution,nottowinanargument. Helpyourpartnerstayfocusedand dealwithoneissueatatime.

Perceiver
Helpeachotherstayfocusedon onlyoneissueatatime. Stateasclearlyaspossibleyour opinionsandneeds.Nowaffling! Trytonegotiatewinwin solutions.Or,decidewhichofyou canwinandloseeachissue.

OttoKroegerAssociates,2004

Page8