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Table of Contents
How to Reset a Relationship with This Secret Technique......................2
Stop Stressing Over Whose Fault It Is................................................................2 Take Responsibility For our !ctions................................................................" !cknowle#ge The Other $erson%s Feelings........................................................." !voi# &usti'ications !n# ()cuses.......................................................................* +on%t ,itpick Who%s Right !n# Who%s Wrong...................................................Show So.e /ulnerability...................................................................................!i. to 0e Receive# Instea# o' !ccepte#.............................................................1 2o..it To 2hange............................................................................................1 ,ever !pologi3e Too Soon or 4uick...................................................................5 0e 2lear What ou%re !pologi3ing For..............................................................6 !pologi3e 'or What is the $erson%s Real 2oncern...............................................7 +on%t ()pect 2o.plete Forgiveness...................................................................7

$oints To Re.e.ber When 8iving !n !pology.................................92 Reco..en#e# Resources..................................................................9" Re'erences.........................................................................................9*

Relationship Resetter

The secret technique to reset any relationship is one that has saved millions of broken relationships. You will have heard of the technique, but you will not know how to use the technique. The technique !m referrin" to that can reset a relationship you broke is called an apolo"y. #an an apolo"y turn back time, you ask$ #an it do anythin" at all to repair what!s broken$ %s a matter of fact, yes it can, but &'T if it!s done in the way that most of us do and have been doin" apolo"ies all of our lives. (very wonder why, apolo"ies can seem so insincere$ )rowin" up we!re tau"ht to say, !m sorry, when we!ve done somethin" wron". *e!re led to believe that if we make a mistake but apolo"i+e for it later, everythin" will be okay. ,owever, apolo"i+in" doesn!t work when it!s done for the wron" reasons, and thou"h our reasons aren!t always wron", most of us come across as if they are.

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN Think about it. -ince a youn" a"e, apolo"ies have been somethin" that we say to "et ourselves back into "ood "races. *e acknowled"e fault and hope for absolution. but this is not the route to take if we hope to actually repair the dama"e that has been done. /urthermore, we!ve learned to connect apolo"ies with for"iveness. f we put ourselves our there and apolo"i+e, we fi"ure we deserve for"iveness. 0ut truthfully, we!ve "ot no reason to e1pect this, and once we can understand how little apolo"ies and for"iveness have to do with each other, the sooner we e1perience apolo"ies that work. %ccordin" to 2anet ,olmes, a professor at 3ictoria 4niversity, %polo"ies, like compliments are primarily aimed at maintainin", enhancin", anointin" or supportin" the addressee!s 5face! 6)offman 1789:. *hile compliments focus on the addressee!s
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positive face wants 6,olmes 17<9, 17<<a:, apolo"ies "enerally aim at face=redress associated with face=threatenin" acts, and can be re"arded as ne"ative politeness strate"ies 60rown and >evinson 179<? 17;:. 0y apolo"i+in" you mi"ht even improve the other person!s health@ % study in Asycholo"ical -cience called )rantin" /or"iveness or ,arborin" )rud"es , discovered that people who think about for"ivin" an offender had better functionin" cardiovascular and nervous systems. The researchers also found that clinchin" a "rud"e boosted heart rates and blood pressure. You can!t drop the treadmill workout yet, but help the health of those around you and your relationship health by apolo"i+in".

How to Reset a Relationship with This Secret Technique

*hat!s the recipe for an effective apolo"y$ There is a specific approach to apolo"i+in" that if adopted will help you, rewind time and essentially clean the slate between you and your si"nificant other.

Stop Stressing Over Whose Fault It Is

/ault is of no importance durin" an apolo"y. *e all perform hundreds of tiny actions each day that drive the responses and counteractions of our si"nificant other. (veryday life is full of too many circumstances to narrow anythin" down to a fi1ed cause. Aerhaps you were cheated on. #an you see any way in which your small trans"ressions mi"ht have contributed, in even the subtlest way to your spouse!s motivation to do so$ ,ave you been a little less attentive$ ,ave you been distracted$ Areoccupied$ %""ravated$ #hances are you two have been playin" off of each other!s actions for some time, and you!ve both allowed your paths to diver"e B meanin" it!s not so easy to isolate fault. The "ood news is that it!s also not necessary. /ault is not the obCect of an apolo"y, and the sooner you can "rasp this, the sooner you!ll find your apolo"ies actually remedyin" their respective situations. f for e1ample, you for"ot to mail the car payment out, a late fee "ot tacked onto your ne1t payment, and it started an ar"ument, it!s up to you to apolo"i+e for your

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oversi"ht. %void sayin" thin"s like these?

You should!ve reminded me. thou"ht you said it wasn!t due until ne1t week. You must!ve put the bill in a different place this month because never saw it.
These e1amples focus on blame and brush off all responsibility for the trans"ression. (ven if these thin"s are true, that is not the point. The point is within this whole situation, there were actions you were responsible for that resulted in a late payment.

Take Responsibility For Your Actions

The point of an apolo"y is to accept responsibility for your own trans"ressions. f you "ot home late, averted a conversation, started a conversation or dismissed an anniversary, you are responsible and accountable for that action. %n apolo"y is your effort to communicate the re"ret you have for whatever it was that you did or didn!t do. *hen you apolo"i+e, you are acknowled"in" the role you played in the problem and takin" responsibility for the consequences that evolved from it.

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world would be clean. JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE You!re responsible for a lot of what happens to you. 0ein" responsible in everyday situations prepares you for the responsibilities in healin" a broken relationship. /ind yourself blamin" the youn" "irl for burnin" your coffee$ Y'4 choose to order the coffee from that cafe. ,ate how your computer keeps crashin"$ Y'4 decided to work on that computer. Your e1 is bein" a Cerk$ Y'4 chose to be with your e1. (ven if you!re not at fault for bad thin"s in your life, you!re responsible. %cknowled"in" this defeats victimi+ation and empowers you to create a life you want.

Acknowledge The Other Persons Feelings

The first thin" you need to do is acknowled"e the other person!s feelin"s. n fact, make the effort to e1plore the other person!s feelin"s. Try to fi"ure out why he or
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she feels the way he or she does. 0everly (n"el, a psychotherapist in >os 'sos, #alifornia and author of The Aower of %polo"y? ,ealin" -teps to Transform %ll Your Relationships , says %polo"y helps the other person trust you a"ain and not see you as a threat. %polo"y disarms us, (n"el says. t lets the other person know that we aren!t "oin" to harm them a"ain. -tay away from apolo"ies like this one?

apolo"i+e for whatever did to make you an"ry.

This is a "reat way of sayin" that your partner is an"ry, but not very sorry about what caused that an"er. Aeople are instinctively e"ocentric and thorou"hly enCoy and need others to understand their perspectives. *hen someone else shows an interest, it!s not only refreshin", it!s a critical first step in mendin" a point of contention. Fost often in an ar"ument or dispute, one person proCects his or her feelin" onto the other. This results in more contention and a sense of resentment. This is what we do most of the time. *e take our own feelin"s and assume the other as havin" the same or similar e1perience. *hen you accept your partner has an entirely different e1perience, you cleanse yourself of preconceptions surroundin" the dispute and then seek to understand his or her e1perience of the situation, which opens the door to an honest and healin" conversation.

Avoid Justifications And Excuses

*hat not to say?

!m sorry !m home late, but had a lot of work to do at the office.

n this e1ample, you!ve Cust Custified your trans"ression. You!re concerned with bein" in the wron", so you blame your lateness on an event that is seemin"ly out of your control. n other words, you haven!t actually taken responsibility for the fact you were home late. *hat!s more, you haven!t considered how your partner sees this situation. % better approach to addressin" your si"nificant other?
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!m sorry !m home late. know it!s disrespectful and unfair to you when don!t make it home on time. !m tryin" to prevent this from happenin" a"ain.
n this case, you!ve acknowled"ed the specific feelin"s your partner is e1periencin", and you!re vowin" to take action so this doesn!t happen a"ain. The fact that you!re makin" a conscious effort to understand your partner!s perspective will make a bi" impact on him or her and help reconcile the broken relationship.

Dont Nitpick Whos Right And Whos Wrong

'ne of the bi" pitfalls of an apolo"y is when too much emphasis is placed on ri"ht and wron". %sk yourself this? does it matter$ s it important to the relationship to determine who was ri"ht and who was wron"$ n most cases, the answer is no. 4ltimately, you each have the reasons that made you behave in a specific way. These reasons make sense to each of you. *hile it!s interestin" and healthy to e1plore the other!s reasonin" and to try to understand his or her point of view, the conclusion of who is ri"ht and who is wron" has no bearin" on the effectiveness of an apolo"y. t!s not whether the actions or decisions are ri"ht or wron". They Cust are. *e all make mistakes. f we are honest about our responsibility for them and are sincere about our feelin"s in re"ard to them, we!ve taken a bi" step en route to the reparation of these mistakes.

Show Some Vulnerability

-omewhere alon" the way apolo"ies have come to be associated with weakness. f we admit our "uilt in a situation, we have come to believe that that event can be used a"ainst us. *e were wron", and we will have to pay for our mistakes. To apolo"i+e is to set aside our pride lon" enou"h to admit our imperfections, and for some, this feels far too vulnerable, says (n"el. The truth is that it takes a bi" person to step up and admit fault for somethin". t!s embarrassin" to be wron" and to be cau"ht in the wron". To admit this is to admit vulnerability. and vulnerability is different than weakness. % weak person can!t stand to be vulnerable because he or she is not stron" enou"h to do so while maintainin" a sense of self=respect. % stron" person has no trouble bein" vulnerable when the situation calls
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for it. 0ein" in a state of vulnerability means that you are e1posin" yourself to the possibility of "ettin" hurt. -tron" people don!t hide from this. t!s a chance to display even more stren"th because the stakes are hi"her. Those who are weak or who are not ready to accept responsibility for the part they played in a situation tend to apolo"i+e weakly. #onsider the two apolo"ies below.

!m sorry hurt you. !m sorry that let you down by not callin". see now how much that hurt you.
The first e1ample is an"led in such a way that it places responsibility with the offended party because he or she was hurt. The speaker is sorry that he or she hurt the other party. The speaker is not in any way sayin" that he or she is sorry for doin" the thin" that caused the hurt. The feelin" of bein" hurt has nothin" to do with the apolo"i+er. n turn, the apolo"i+er has taken no responsibility for bein" involved in creatin" that sentiment. Therefore, it is only natural that the offended doesn!t feel any better. ,e or she wasn!t appropriately apolo"i+ed to.

Aim to Be Received Instead of Accepted

*hen apolo"i+in", you want an apolo"y R(#( 3(H rather than %##(AT(H. The "oal you need to carry with you when you approach your partner is for him or her to actually hear, respond, and react to your apolo"y. Think like a football quarterback for a second. The ball is your apolo"y. *hen you!re passin" the ball, you!re lookin" for a receiver, someone to catch the ball that you throw specifically to him or her. You are not throwin" the ball at an une1pected tar"et hopin" he or she will accept the ball. You want your tar"et to receive the ball. *hat they do with it from there is that person!s decision.

Commit To Change
%n apolo"y is useless if there is not an intention to chan"e behind it. f you!re not truly interested in doin" somethin" to prevent the situation from happenin" a"ain, you are not truly interested in apolo"i+in".
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>et!s say 2oe!s partner, Felissa is very strict with their Coint finances. f 2oe says, !m sorry didn!t consult you before loaned -ally money, and then 2oe fails to consult Felissa a"ain ne1t month when another friend needs money, his apolo"y was meanin"less. ,e didn!t make the effort to chan"e. ,e mi"ht want to say thin"s like?

knew you wouldn!t approve. t wasn!t that much money. -he!s "oin" to pay me back in a few days.
Felissa isn!t "oin" to be very receptive to any of these answers because her feelin"s aren!t bein" considered. ,ad 2oe considered them after the first incident and actually intended to chan"e, he wouldn!t be in this predicament a"ain. n fact, some of 2oe!s reasons for "oin" throu"h with lendin" the money mi"ht actually have been very "ood and mi"ht have made sense to Felissa. f he made the effort to see where her concerns lied, they mi"ht have been able to come to a peaceful decision. *hat are some of the thin"s that 2oe did wron"$

,e didn!t e1plore Felissa!s feelin"s.

,e didn!t try to understand the reasons Felissa has for bein" ti"ht with money.

,e Custified his actions, deflectin" the fault off of himself and onto outside

circumstances. 0y sayin" that -ally was "oin" to pay the money back in a few days, it wouldn!t be 2oe!s fault if she didn!t. ,e pushed that responsibility off himself when he used it as a Custification.

Never Apologize Too Soon or Quick

(specially when the reason for your apolo"y is a compellin" one, such as an affair. &othin" is less sincere. % quick apolo"y is nothin" more than a deflection. t!s the reali+ation that you!re in the wron" and an instinctive reaction to pretend it didn!t happen.

!m sorry, but don!t know what came over me.

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<

!m sorry. t won!t happen a"ain. t!s not what you think. t didn!t mean anythin".
These are panic apolo"ies. They are the instinctual, reactive responses that come to us immediately when we!re committin" a wron" a"ainst our partner. *e feel "uilty, and are tryin" to wipe that "uilt off of us as quickly as possible. *hen you offer an apolo"y too quickly, you are skippin" the step of understandin" your partner!s feelin"s, and are apolo"i+in" simply to achieve for"iveness. % successful apolo"y is one in which you!re thorou"hly aware the thin" happened, and you!re sorry for all of the ne"ative consequences that precipitated. That means you!ve "iven these thou"ht and considered how your actions hurt the other person. You can!t dismiss the fact that you were wron". That is somethin" that you have to own.

Be Clear What Youre Apologizing For

t!s important when apolo"i+in" to make sure the other person knows why you!re apolo"i+in". want to apolo"i+e because really care about this relationship. 'ur relationship is important to me, and !m sorry that did somethin" to Ceopardi+e it. *hen you have a "ood reason for apolo"i+in", the other person is "oin" to be certain to listen. t!s important that you iterate your reason for an apolo"y because if you don!t, it!s possible that your partner will assume you don!t have a reason and that the reason is to appease the offended. Remember you have a stake in the apolo"y. You!re apolo"i+in" to admit Y'4R responsibility because you have a reason to remedy the situation. %polo"ies aren!t passive claims said as a form of payment for a deed done wron". %polo"ies are assertive statements in which you own the actions you did and the words you said. *hen you approach an apolo"y from this mindset, you!ll see that it!s taken with more than a "rain of salt.

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Apologize for What is the Persons Real Concern

#ontinuin" alon" these same lines, it!s also imperative that you don!t apolo"i+e for what you find for"ivable. You mi"ht assume that the trans"ression that has come between the two of you is somethin" unfor"iveable, and therefore apolo"i+e for somethin" related but a little different than what the offended person e1perienced as the actual offense. n the case of cheatin", consider this e1ample.

!m sorry for sleepin" with %le1.

t!s "reat that you!re sorry for sleepin" with someone else, but ask yourself if this is the real source of your partner!s discontent$ You mi"ht be more comfortable apolo"i+in" for this action because it!s more for"ivable than what you fear your partner is really upset about. Your partner mi"ht be more hurt that he or she was lied to or deceived. but these are wron"s that seem much less for"ivable and so more difficult to apolo"i+e for. Hespite whether your actions are for"ivable or not, apolo"i+e for what they are. *hen you sidestep the bi""er issue, you risk seemin" blind to the actual problem or else you!re seen as tryin" to distort the issue at hand. f you!re lookin" to repair a relationship, never mistake the followin" as an apolo"y.

want to apolo"i+e.
This is about the same as sayin", want to lose wei"ht. You *%&T to B "reat, so prove it and do it@ /ilter that want out of your apolo"y, and say it simply and clearly B apolo"i+e.

Dont Expect Complete Forgiveness

To e1pect and especially demand complete for"iveness is absolutely unrealistic. f you!re of the mentality that you deserve complete for"iveness, you!re approachin" apolo"y from the wron" direction or as if you e1pect it to wipe away your

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fault in the matter. Rewindin" time or "ettin" back to a clean slate does not mean acquirin" complete for"iveness. t means "ettin" an honest second chance. 'nce you own your actions and apolo"i+e for them, you then have a chance to prevent yourself from doin" those actions a"ain. The way to enter any apolo"y is with no e1pectations. The other person mi"ht for"ive you and mi"ht not. but your "oal isn!t to solicit this for"iveness. t!s to e1press your sincere re"ret for the effects of your actions. *hether the person for"ives you or not is not up to you. Hon!t make the mistake of thinkin" that it is. didn!t mean it, is a common statement made as part of an apolo"y. t doesn!t matter if you meant it B you did it. Your "oal in an apolo"y is to show your partner that you reco"ni+e your actions had an unappreciated effect on him or her and that you!re sorry for this. You!ll find that when you enter into an apolo"y without e1pectations, you!ll often be surprised by the other!s reaction. Your partner knows you!re not perfect, but when he or she sees that you care, he or she will be more able to understand how you could!ve been compelled to act in the way you chose. (n"el says, To for"ive, most people need to "ain some empathy and compassion for the wron"doer. This is where apolo"y comes in. *hen someone apolo"i+es, it is a lot easier to view him or her in a compassionate way. *hen wron"doers apolo"i+e, we find it easier to for"ive them. *ipin" the slate clean is not a, let!s pretend this never happened. t!s more of an reali+e this hurt you. don!t want this to happen a"ain. The "oal is to admit your part in the situation, communicate to your partner that you made a mistake, and intend to make thin"s ri"ht. t!s then up to your partner to for"ive you or not. &o one said apolo"i+in" was easy. %aron >a+are, author of 'n %polo"ies says of the apolo"y, To undertake them requires honesty, "enerosity, humility, commitment, coura"e and sacrifice. n other words, the rewards of an effective apolo"y can only be earned. They cannot be stolen. %bolish all of your preconceived notions of what an apolo"y is and what it!s always been to you. f you follow the advice listed here, you!re ten times more likely to catch your partner!s attention, "et them to hear what you

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have to say, and reset the broken relationship.

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1;

Points To Remember When Giving An Apology

1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) 11) 12) 13) 14)
0e responsible for your actions

Refrain blamin" the other person

Hon!t dwell on who is at fault

%cknowled"e the other person!s feelin"s

Hon!t make Custifications or e1cuses for your actions

Remember that it!s not about who!s ri"ht and who!s wron"

0e like water non=resistant to other person!s opinions and feelin"s

%llow yourself to be vulnerable and humble

%im to have your apolo"y received instead of accepted

Takes steps to remedy the situation to prevent recurrence

Take your time to make a sincere apolo"y

0e clear what you!re apolo"i+in" for

%polo"i+e for what is the person!s real concern

Hon!t e1pect for"iveness and you!ll probably "et it

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Recommended Resources
1)
% well=made and funny video with some e1tra tips on how you can

"ive a "reat apolo"y. *atch it.

2)

There!s one more thin" you need to learn about that

briefly

mentioned? self=for"iveness. *ithout this, you!ll criticise yourself and possibly destroy your future relationships with family, friends, and anyone because of "uilt and shame. Read about how you can stop beatin" yourself up and start for"ivin" yourself by clickin" here.

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References
0rown, A. and -. >evinson. 179<. 54niversals in lan"ua"e usa"e? politeness phenomena! in (. &. )oody 6ed.:? Juestions and Aoliteness. #ambrid"e? #ambrid"e 4niversity Aress (n"el, 0everly. The Aower of %polo"y. Asycholo"y Today. 2uly, ;II1 )offman, (. 1789. nteraction Ritual. &ew York? %nchor 0ooks ,olmes, 2. 17<9. 5-e1 differences and lan"ua"e use in the (-> classroom! in 0ikram K. Has 6ed.:? #ommunication and >earnin" in the #lassroom #ommunity. %ntholo"y -eries 17. -in"apore? -(%F(' Re"ional >an"ua"e #entre ,olmes, 2. 17<<a. 5Aayin" compliments? a se1=preferential positive politeness strate"y.! 2ournal of Ara"matics 1;LD >a+are, %aron. 'n %polo"y. '1ford 4niversity Aress. &ew York ;IIE. p. 1I 3an 'yen #*, >udwi" T(, 3ander >aan, K>. )rantin" /or"iveness or ,arborin" )rud"es? mplications for (motions, Ahysiolo"y, and ,ealth. Asycholo"ical -cience. ;II1. 1;?119=;D

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