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2
Guiding Stars
of the
New Parenting
Movement
Volume 2
Edited & Published by Bob Collier
The Parental Intelligence Newsletter
www.parental-intelligence.com
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Guiding Stars of the New Parenting Movement
Copyright 2006 Bob Collier, except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted by any other means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without prior written permission from the Editor and Publisher where
applicable, or from the individual contributor or contributors to this publication where
applicable.
Please contact the Editor and Publisher at bobcollier@parental-intelligence.com in the
first instance.
You are welcome to forward this book in its entirety to anyone you think may be
interested in reading it or ask them to visit www.parental-intelligence.com to download a
copy.
This book is free and has been compiled for information purposes only. The Editor and
Publisher is not responsible for any actions taken as a result of reading this book,
although he hopes and trusts that they will be exceedingly beneficial.
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This book is dedicated to
My wife Mary, the mother of our two children, who has always been the rock solid
foundation of our happy family.
And to those wonderful children themselves, Bronnie and Pat, who, between them,
turned my life into a Fabulous Adventure and who have demonstrated to me before my
very eyes that magic happens when were allowed to be who we are.
5
Contents
PLEASE NOTE: You can go directly to any section of this e-book you choose to by using the Bookmarks
index. Please click on the Bookmarks tab to the left of the page to activate this option.
Introduction 7
The Guiding Stars
Aletha Solter 10
Raising Drug-Free Kids 11
The Disadvantages of Time-Out 13
Understanding Tears and Tantrums 18
Kim Wildner 23
Did you know? 24
Mother's Intention: How Belief Shapes Birth 27
Excerpt from Chapter 9: Agony or Ecstasy 28
HypnoBirthing 40
Fearless Birthing 41
Naomi Aldort 42
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Reviews 43
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Excerpts 45

John W. Travis 58
Meryn Callander 59
Why Men Leave: The Epidemic of Disappearing Dads 61
Becoming Mother: A Personal Journey 69
The Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children 79
A Proclamation for Transforming the Lives of Children 80
aTLC Family Support Network WarmLine 86
John Breeding 87
True Nature and Great Misunderstandings 88
Remembering Essence: Parenting as Emotional Healing 89
Does ADHD Even Exist? The Ritalin Sham 97
Scott Noelle 103
The Art of Unconditionality 104
The Daily Groove 108
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Beverley Paine 110
The Big Picture: Looking For The Perfect School 111
Overcoming Anxieties About Homeschooling 117
Everyone can Homeschool: Intelligence and Educational Knowledge isn't
a Prerequisite for Starting to Teach Your Children at Home 120
Looking back - what would I change? 121
What is Unschooling? 124
Alan Wilson 128
Parenting Potential 129
See the magnificence in kids
Working with energy
Value and respect
Acknowledge your fabulous progress
See through your child's eyes
Self care is critical
The relationship is the key
Kids sense your mood
The power of thought
Do something different
Tips for parents of young people
About the Editor 136
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Introduction
Welcome to Volume 2 of Guiding Stars of the New Parenting Movement, the second in
an intended series of e-books showcasing the work of parenting, child development and
education specialists who I believe will add far more than most to every parents
understanding of both the special challenges and the potential joys of parenthood.
Have you read Guiding Stars of the New Parenting Movement Volume 1?
If not, please download a copy from here with my compliments.
Youll find in the Introduction to that inaugural volume of my e-book series the story of
why I was motivated to create my Guiding Stars project; so I wont repeat the story here.
By way of a very brief introduction to Volume 2, I do have a few thoughts Id like to share
with you; and then Ill introduce you, with pleasure, to the Guiding Stars who have
generously contributed their expertise to this book.
As youll probably be aware, my Guiding Stars project is a fairly recent development
from the Parental Intelligence newsletter Ive been publishing for a little over four years.
My newsletter, to tell you the truth, was originally intended to be a vehicle for other
interests of a far more commercial nature; however, those other interests seem to have
long since fallen by the wayside as Ive become increasingly aware of and more and more
fascinated by what I perceive to be higher ideals and opportunities.
Parental Intelligence in itself, meanwhile - represented now by both the newsletter and
its website has grown into a significant and very important feature of my personal life.
In many ways, its become my official presence on the internet.
In terms of the impact of my online adventures on my experiences in the real world -
the world of my relationships with my wife and my own children, of looking after our
cats and greeting the neighbours as I walk down my street, to name but a few of its
aspects - the regular activity of compiling a newsletter on the subject of parenting for
publication on the world wide web has brought me into contact with a far wider range of
parenting ideas, models and stories than I would ever be likely to encounter as I go about
my normal business.
So, I would have to say that, more than anything else, my life as the publisher of a
parenting newsletter, if I can put it in those words, has turned out to be a tremendous
learning experience.
A major and very pleasing part of that learning experience has been the realisation that
there are substantial numbers of people in the world at large whose perception of the
nature and role of parenting is far closer to my own than the 'conventional wisdom' of
which I'm so entirely skeptical.
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It truly has been a pleasure and a privilege to meet (in the internet sense of that word)
so many bright minds.
Thus, I would simply like to acknowledge, as a prelude to Guiding Stars of the New
Parenting Movement Volume 2, that Im very proud to be a part of the process of
communicating the expertise and work of the people featured in this and other e-books
in my Guiding Stars series to ever more parents. I look forward to continuing to be of
whatever help I can be in that respect in the years ahead.
And, now, please read on and meet the Guiding Stars of Volume 2.
Thank you for reading this book. I hope youll find something in its pages that will add to
your life and, through you, to the lives of your children.
In fact, I know you will.
Bob Collier
Canberra, Australia
December, 2006
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The Guiding Stars
10
Aletha Solter
Aletha Solter is a Swiss/American developmental psychologist, who is recognized
internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She
studied with the Swiss psychologist, Jean Piaget, at the University of Geneva,
Switzerland, where she obtained a Master's degree in human biology in 1969. She then
earned a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1975,
after which she taught psychology at the University of California and conducted research
for a few years.
When her first child was born in 1977 (following a traumatic birth) she did not find any
parenting books that advocated attachment-style parenting and non-punitive discipline
while taking into account the impact of stress and trauma on children's development.
The first book she wrote, The Aware Baby (first published in 1984, revised in 2001), is
the one that she wished she had had as a new mother. The Aware Baby has sold over
100,000 copies worldwide. Its sequel, Helping Young Children Flourish, describes this
same approach, covering the age range from two to eight years. Her third book is Tears
and Tantrums. Her fourth book, Raising Drug-Free Kids, was published in September
2006.
Her books have been translated into several languages, and she has also written
workbooks to accompany her first two, as well as numerous articles for parents and
professionals.
Dr. Solter has been working with parents, children, and professionals since 1978 as a
workshop leader and consultant. In 1990 she founded The Aware Parenting Institute to
help promote the philosophy of empathy and respect described in her books. The
Institute now has certified instructors in many countries. She has given talks and led
workshops for parents and professionals in ten different countries, and has appeared on
TV in the United States, Europe, and Asia. Her goal is to help create a non-violent world
in which all children are allowed to attain their full potential. She knows that parenting is
a difficult job, and that parents deserve recognition, information, and support.
Dr. Solter lives in Goleta, California, and is available for talks, workshops, and
consultations (by phone or in person). She can be contacted by e-mail
(solter@awareparenting.com) or by phone at (805) 968-1868.
Please note that she does not have the time to answer the numerous personal e-mail
queries that she receives from parents around the world. Please click here for
information about her consultations and fees, or go to her Parent Support Page.
Copyright 2006 by Aletha Solter
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Raising Drug-Free Kids
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
Adding to the successful series of Raising titles from Da Capo Press, Raising Drug-Free
Kids gives parents 100 tips for keeping children of all ages away from drugs and alcohol.
With adolescent use of illegal substances on the rise, parents are wise to be concerned
about setting their children on a drug-free course. While much advice handed out these
days focuses on teen behavior and on what to do once drugs have become a problem in
the home, Raising Drug-Free Kids takes an innovative approach and focuses instead on
preventive measures that can be followed at all stages and ages of a child's life.
In this essential, practical, and comprehensive parenting guide, developmental
psychologist and parent educator, Aletha Solter, provides parents with simple, easy-to-
use tools to build a solid foundation for children to say "no" to drugs. Organized by age
group, from preschool through young adulthood, the handy 100 tips will show parents
how to help their children to:
Feel good about themselves without an artificial high.
Cope with stress so they won't turn to drugs to relax.
Respect their bodies so they will reject harmful substances.
Have close family connections so they won't feel desperate to belong to a group.
Take healthy risks (like outdoor adventures) so they won't need to take dangerous
ones.
Endorsements
Raising Drug-Free Kids provides worried parents with a wide range of practical and
helpful strategies to create a healthy environment for kids of all ages that will serve to
immunize them against the temptations of illegal drug use for the rest of their lives. This
holistic approach to drug prevention is a welcome relief from the simplistic 'just say no to
drugs, but ask your doctor if Ritalin is right for you' message that abounds in our culture.
I recommend this book highly.
Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D. (author of The Myth of the A.D.D. Child: 50 Ways to Improve
Your Child's Behavior and Attention Span without Drugs, Labels, or Coercion)
Dr. Solter knows the answer to our drug problem, and she provides it in clear, doable
fashion. Teaching our kids to 'just say no' isn't enough, and punitive discipline only
worsens the problem. The answer is to nurture our children, to give them the skills they
need to succeed, and to raise them to be strong, healthy people who have no interest in
making drugs a part of their lives. To find out how, read this very important, accessible,
inspiring book. Every parent, teacher, and friend of a child of any age will find something
of practical interest within its pages.
Karen Miles (author of The Power of Loving Discipline)
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Excerpt from the Introduction to Raising Drug-Free Kids
The approach described in this book may be quite different from other parenting advice
you have heard. Many books suggest that children need more "discipline," meaning that
parents should punish their children for breaking rules. However, strict authoritarian
control often backfires by causing children to rebel. Although some children may benefit
from more consistency and structure (but not punishment), the root cause of most
behavioral problems, including substance abuse, is not a lack of discipline but rather a
lack of connection. Children who lack a close relationship with at least one loving parent
are at risk for substance abuse, no matter how much "discipline" you impose on them.
Likewise, children who have a close relationship with a loving parent are more likely to
resist drugs.
The one hundred tips in this book will show you how to establish and maintain a close
connection to your child at each stage of your child's development. It is never too late to
improve your relationship with your child. At the root of this approach is spending time
with your child, using a nonpunitive approach to discipline, and accepting your child's
emotions.
For more information about Raising Drug-Free Kids, please visit the Da Capo Press
website.
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The Disadvantages of Time-Out
(Originally published in Mothering Magazine, Fall 1992. Revised and updated in 2000.)
As concerned parents and educators have become aware of the dangers of physical
punishment, time-out has emerged as a popular disciplinary tool. Misbehaving children
are told to sit quietly on a chair or go to their rooms to calm down and think about what
they did. After a period of time, they are allowed to come back to the group or join the
family, provided that they act appropriately. The designated period of time is usually
one minute per year of age, and children who leave the chair or room before their time is
up are told to return for the full allotment once again. Some books recommend an added
rule of silence, and suggest that the timing be repeated if the silence is broken. In either
case, parents who use this method are promised quick and easy results.
Time-out stems from the behaviorist movement based on the work of psychologist B.F.
Skinner. His theory of operant conditioning asserts that children will behave in certain
ways if they receive rewards for doing so (positive reinforcement), and that undesirable
behavior can be diminished by withholding the rewards or by invoking pain (both of
which are termed punishment). Skinner himself believed that all forms of punishment
were unsuitable means of controlling childrens behavior.(1) Even so, while spanking is
on the wane in the United States, the withholding of love and attention has persisted as
an acceptable means of control.
Beneath the Surface
Using time-out appears less injurious than hitting, spanking, or yelling, because it does
not involve physical or verbal abuse. It is therefore thought to represent some degree of
progress in our continual striving to make this world a better place for children.
According to many educators and psychologists, however, time-out is not as innocent as
it seems and is, moreover, an emotionally harmful way to discipline children. In fact, the
National Association for the Education of Young Children includes the use of time-out in
a list of harmful disciplinary measures, along with physical punishment, criticizing,
blaming, and shaming.(2)
Beneath the surface, time-out is an authoritarian approach and, as such, can work only
among children trained to comply with the power and authority of adults. Children
trained to conform to such measures know that the consequences of disobeying are
worse than adhering to the injunctions. Children who have not been brought up in an
authoritarian environment will most likely refuse to go to another room or sit in a chair.
How does a child learn about the consequences of disobedience? Proponents of time-out
advise parents to remove all privileges such as TV, toys, music, and so forth until
compliance has been achieved. Always there is the threat of deprivation or further
penalty. In some families there may even be an unspoken threat of violence. Although
the method seems innocent enough, it requires a past history of punitive
authoritarianism to produce children docile enough to obey.
Copyright 1992, 2000 by Aletha Solter
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Proponents claim that time-out is not a form of punishment. They use terms such as
consequence, renewal time, or down time to make the approach sound benign. The
term time-out itself has pleasant connotations of a sports team taking a well-deserved
break. Regrettably, this non-threatening terminology has deluded parents into thinking
that the approach is harmless.
From a childs point of view, time-out is definitely experienced as punishment. Who
wants to be isolated from the group and totally ignored? It is quite likely that children
view this form of isolation as abandonment and loss of love. And while parents are often
careful to provide reassurances of their love and to distinguish between the child and the
unruly behavior (I love you, but you need to go to your room for five minutes because
what you did is not acceptable), their actions speak much louder than their words.
Children under the age of seven simply do not have the capability to process words in the
same way that adults do.(3) Concrete experience and perceptions of reality impact more
strongly than language. Being isolated and ignored is interpreted as Nobody wants to be
with me right now. Therefore I must be bad and unlovable, and no loving words,
however well intended, can override this feeling of rejection.
Nothing is more frightening for a child than the withdrawal of love. Along with the fear
come insecurity, anxiety, confusion, anger, resentment, and low self-esteem. Time-out
can also cause embarrassment and humiliation, especially when used in the presence of
other children. In the childs realm of experience, time-out is nothing short of punitive.
Painful feelings are one consideration; the information conveyed about human
relationships is another. What message are we giving our children in demonstrating that
love and attention are commodities to be doled out or withheld for purposes of
controlling others? Is this a conflict-resolution skill that will be useful to them? How will
it influence their ability to interact with friends, and some day with a spouse and
coworkers? Wouldnt it be better to teach children useful conflict-resolution skills right
from the start, rather than convey the message that the only way to solve conflicts is to
cut off communication?
Although the trouble with time-out is in large part invisible, one aspect is glaringly
obvious: at some point it stops working. Proponents of the approach admit that it is
effective only up until the age of about nine. Can you imagine telling your teenager, who
may be taller than you, to sit in a chair while you ignore him? Teens who have any sense
of their own self-worth will laugh at such a command. The adolescent version of time-out
is the practice of grounding teenagers by not allowing them to go out on the weekends
or in the evenings. But this method only leads to resentment, resistance, and deceit.
Indeed, any method based on power and authoritarianism must eventually be
abandoned, simply because parents run out of power.(4) Parents of teens face an entirely
new set of difficulties when their tried-and-true methods of control prove utterly
ineffective. Parents who adopt non-authoritarian methods right from the start, on the
other hand, are able to prevent the power struggles, as well as the discipline problems,
that so often come with adolescence.
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Hidden Consequences
The use of time-out leads to a host of hidden problems. For one, when we enforce a time-
out for children who are crying or raging, they get the message that we do not want to be
around them when they are upset. Certain that we will not listen, they may soon stop
bringing their problems to us.
Furthermore, such children may learn to suppress their feelings, especially if we insist on
time-out in silence. Have we forgotten that crying and raging are healthy tension-release
mechanisms that help relieve sadness and frustration?(5)(6)(7) Have we ignored the
research showing that stress hormones are excreted through tears, thereby possibly
reducing the effects of stress and restoring the bodys chemical balance?.(8) In teaching
our children to suppress their tears, we may actually be increasing their susceptibility to
a variety of emotional and physical imbalances. Swiss psychotherapist Dr. Alice Miller
states that one of the most devastating things we do to children is deny them the freedom
to express their anger and suffering.(9)
An additional problem is that the use of time-out does not address the underlying cause
of the inappropriate behavior. Children act in specific ways for good reasons, even
though the youngsters themselves may not be aware of them. Most undesirable behavior
can be explained by one of three factors: the child is attempting to fulfill a legitimate
need, the child lacks information or is too young to understand, or the child is feeling
upset (frustrated, sad, scared, confused, jealous, or insecure).(10) When we try to change
a behavior without addressing these feelings and needs, we do not help our children very
much at all. Why? Because the underlying problem will still be there. Teaching children
to conform to our wishes does not resolve the deeper issues.
For example, siblings who are repeatedly separated and sent to their rooms when they
fight may eventually learn to stop fighting in front of their parents. Their unresolved
feelings of jealousy and hatred, however, may come to expression in more devious ways,
or they may carry their resentments into adulthood. Curtailing the symptoms of a
problem does not solve the problem.
Parents have been led to believe that children will use time-out to think about what they
did and regain some modicum of self-control. In reality, when children act in
inappropriate, aggressive, or obnoxious ways, they are often harboring such strong pent-
up feelings that they are unable to think clearly about their actions. Far more helpful
than isolation is an attentive listener who can encourage the expression of honest
feelings. The healthy release provided by talking, crying, or raging may even prevent the
recurrence of unwanted behavior.
Holding children who hit or bite is much more effective than isolating them. Firm but
loving holding creates safety and warmth while protecting other children from getting
hurt. It also invites the expression of genuine feelings (through crying and raging) while
reassuring the child of the indestructible parent-child bond.(10) It is paradoxical, yet true:
children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving of it. Telling
a violent child to sit quietly rarely accomplishes anything constructive and only further
contributes to the childs pent-up anger and feelings of alienation.
It is not necessary to isolate children and withdraw our love to teach them how to
behave. In fact, it is entirely possible to help children learn to be cooperative and
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decent members of society without ever issuing punishments, rewards, or artificial
consequences of any kind. No quick and easy method will solve every conflict. Instead,
we need to treat each situation as the unique challenge that it is, and try to be flexible
and creative, all the while giving our children the love and respect they deserve.
NOTES
1. Robert D. Nye, B.F. Skinner and Radical Behaviorism, Three Views of Man
(Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc., 1975), p. 51
2. Avoiding Me Against You Discipline, Young Children, Vol. 44, No. 1. (Washington
DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children, November 1988), p.
27.
3. Jerome S. Bruner, The Course of Cognitive Growth, American Psychologist 19
(1964), pp. 1-15.
4. Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training (Three Rivers Press, 2000), pp. 193-
194.
5. Aletha J. Solter, The Aware Baby (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press, 2001), pp. 39-41.
6. Aletha J. Solter, Helping Young Children Flourish (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press,
1989), pp. 5-9.
7. Aletha J. Solter, Tears and Tantrums (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press, 1998), pp. 13-
32.
8. William H. Frey II, and Muriel Langseth, Crying: the Mystery of Tears, (Minneapolis:
Winston Press, 1985), pp. 45-58.
9. Alice Miller, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of
Violence, (New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux), pp. 106, 259.
10. Martha G. Welch, Holding Time (New York: Simon and Schuster, Inc., 1988), pp. 42-
43.
Copyright 1992, 2000 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may
be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical
(including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written
permission from Aletha Solter.
Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant,
and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her three
books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish and Tears and Tantrums
have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an
expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She lives in California, and
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has two grown children and one grandchild. Her fourth book, Raising Drug-Free Kids,
was published in September 2006.
Aware Parenting is a philosophy of child-rearing that has the potential to change the
world. Based on cutting-edge research and insights in child development, Aware
Parenting questions most traditional assumptions about raising children, and proposes a
new approach that can profoundly shift a parents relationship with his or her child.
Parents who follow this approach raise children who are bright, compassionate,
competent, non-violent, and drug-free.
Warning/Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended to be used as a
substitute for medical advice or treatment. When children display emotional, behavioral,
or medical problems of any kind, parents are strongly advised to seek competent medical
advice and treatment. Aletha Solter, The Aware Parenting Institute, and Shining Star
Press shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to
any damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly by the information
contained in this article.
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Understanding Tears and Tantrums
Confusion about crying
Many parents find it hard to understand and accept their childrens tears and tantrums,
and are confused by contradictory advice they have read. On one hand, much of the
advice in parenting books is based on the assumption that crying and temper tantrums
are behaviors that should be discouraged. Some people assume that these are indications
of a spoiled child who is used to getting her own way, while others think of them more
as immature behaviors that children must learn to control. It is generally believed that as
soon as children are old enough to talk, the job of parents is to help them express their
wants and feelings using words rather than tears or outbursts of rage. Even people who
recognize crying as a sign of stress and frustration sometimes consider crying to be an
unnecessary byproduct of stress. They assume that children will feel better once they
stop crying. This belief may lead to efforts to distract children from their crying.
On the other hand, there is an increasing tendency to regard crying as a beneficial
expression of feelings that has therapeutic value. Many therapists encourage children to
cry, especially in situations involving loss. Therapists assume that crying is an important
and necessary part of the grieving and recovery process. John Bowlby, the father of
attachment theory, pointed out that failure to accept a childs painful emotions can have
negative consequences. He claimed that children should be allowed to express their grief
openly by crying during situations of separation or loss. He also felt that children should
be allowed to express anger at their parents. The result of all this contradictory advice is
that parents often wonder what to do when children cry or rage. Should they comfort,
ignore, distract, punish, give in or listen empathically?
In my three books: The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, and Tears and
Tantrums, I propose a stress-release theory of crying, and I recommend an accepting
and nurturing attitude towards all crying in infants and young children (assuming all
immediate needs have been met). Considerable evidence, accumulated from several
different sources, indicates that crying is an important and beneficial physiological
process that helps children cope with stress.
What does research tell us about crying?
Dr. William Frey, a biochemist in Minnesota, has researched the chemical content of
human tears. One of the substances found in tears was the stress hormone ACTH. Thus it
is possible that shedding tears helps to reduce excessive amounts of ACTH and/or other
substances that accumulate following a stressful event. Dr. Frey has suggested that the
purpose of emotional crying may be to remove waste products from the body, similar to
other excretory processes such as urinating, defecating, exhaling, and sweating. Freys
conclusion is that we may increase our susceptibility to a variety of physical and
psychological problems when we suppress our tears. Crying not only removes toxins
from the body but also reduces tension. Studies on adults in psychotherapy have found
lower blood pressure, pulse rate, and body temperature in patients immediately
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following therapy sessions during which they cried and raged. Similar changes were not
observed in a control group of people who merely exercised for an equivalent period of
time.
Researchers have looked at the relationship between crying and physical health. Studies
have found that healthy people cry more and have a more positive attitude about crying
than do people who suffer from ulcers or colitis. Other studies have shown that therapy
involving high levels of crying leads to significant psychological improvement. Those
patients who did not express their feelings in this manner during therapy tended not to
improve, while those patients who did frequently cry in therapy experienced changes for
the better.
There is typically increased crying and tantrums in children for many weeks following
catastrophes such as a hurricane, indicating that the children are attempting to release
their terror and other strong emotions. Psychologists have studied crying in children
during the highly stressful experience of a long hospitalization. Children who protested
openly by crying and screaming at the beginning of their hospital stay showed better
adjustment than the ones who were good patients right from the start. The latter
appeared to be calm and cooperative, but were more likely to show signs of stress later
on, such as regression to infantile modes of behavior, eating or sleeping difficulties, and
learning disorders.
These different areas of research all indicate that crying is a healing mechanism that
allows people to cope with stress and trauma. Crying can be considered a natural repair
kit with which every child is born. People of all ages cry because they need to, not
because they are spoiled or immature.
Why do young children need to cry?
Children cry spontaneously after having experienced any kind of stress or trauma. The
more stress there is in a childs life, the greater will be the need to cry. There are many
sources of stress in young childrens lives. Illnesses, injuries, and hospitalization are
cause for pain, confusion, and anxiety. Quarreling, separation, or divorce of a childs
parents can be confusing and terrifying, as can the presence of a parents new partner or
a stepparent. Childrens growing awareness of violence, death, and war can be sources of
fear and confusion. Stress can result from a move to a new home, starting a new school,
or the birth of a sibling.
Added to these major life stresses are all the daily separations, accidents, frustrations,
disappointments, and anxieties. In a single morning at nursery school, a child can have a
toy grabbed from him by another child, fall from a swing, be served a snack that he
dislikes, spill paint on his new shoes, and have to wait for a late parent after all the other
children have left. Even happy occasions can be stressful if they are overstimulating. It is
not uncommon for young children to burst into tears during their own birthday party, for
example. As if this werent enough stress to worry about, many children also carry the
burden of very early experiences of stress or trauma, such as that caused prenatally or
during the birth process. Research has shown that babies who had medical
complications during birth cry more than those who were less stressed.
While much of childrens stress is an inevitable part of life, parents can reduce their
childrens stress level (and therefore the need to cry) by providing a sensitive, accepting,
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child-friendly environment that recognizes childrens needs. Non-authoritarian
approaches to discipline are much less stressful for children, and also more effective,
than the use of punishment. Finally, the entire family will benefit when parents look for
ways to reduce stress in their own lives.
The Broken Cookie phenomenon.
The need to cry gradually builds up until the child feels an urge for release. At that point,
almost anything will trigger the tears. Because of this, there are times when the reason
for the childs crying is not immediately evident, and the outburst appears to be
unjustified by the current situation. For example, a little girls cookie breaks and she
throws herself into a crying fit. Moments like these can be extremely exasperating for
parents, but is the child really spoiled and manipulative as some people would claim?
There is another way of looking at the situation. When a child acts in this manner, she
may be using the pretext of the broken cookie to release pent-up feelings of grief or anger
resulting from an accumulation of stress and anxiety. Children do not cry indefinitely.
They stop of their own accord when they are finished. After crying, there is a usually a
feeling of relief and wellbeing. The incident that triggered the crying is no longer an
issue, and the child usually becomes happy and cooperative.
Children do need to learn that loud crying is unacceptable at certain times and places,
just as they must learn to use the toilet. However, all children, no matter what age, need
at least one adult in their lives who can provide a safe time and place to listen to their
emotions of grief or anger. If this kind of acceptance is provided in the home, it will be
easier for children to refrain from crying in school or in public situations, and they will
save up their crying for their safe home base.
Why is it so hard to accept childrens tears?
It is difficult to allow children the freedom of tears because most of us were stopped from
crying when we were young. Our well-meaning, but misinformed, parents may have
distracted, scolded, punished, or ignored us when we attempted to heal our childhood
hurts by crying. Some of us were stopped kindly: There, there, dont cry, while others
were stopped less kindly: If you dont stop crying, Ill give you something to cry about!
Many people were praised for not crying. However it may have been communicated,
most people received the message that crying was unacceptable. Because of this early
conditioning, many adults have learned to suppress their own tears. This makes it hard
for them to empathize with a crying child, and results in a strong urge to stop the child
from crying, just as their parents did with them.
In our culture, crying is even less acceptable for boys than for girls. Parents tend to be
less tolerant of crying in boys, perhaps because of a fear that their sons will be un-
masculine. Big boys dont cry is a commonly heard expression. The consequence of this
is that some men have not shed a tear in years. This suppression of crying in men may be
partly responsible for the fact that men are more prone than women to stress-related
illnesses and die at an earlier age. It could also help explain why more men than women
commit violent acts. When painful emotions are repeatedly repressed, they can become
distorted and show up later as violence towards others.
21
Parents naturally want their children to be happy, and feel it is their job to make their
children happy, often failing to realize that happiness will return spontaneously after the
crying outburst has run its course. Many parents quickly lose confidence and feel they
are incompetent when their children cry. It helps to remember that when children cry,
the hurt has usually already happened. Crying is not the hurt, but the process of
becoming unhurt. A childs tears or tantrums are not an indication of an incompetent
parent. On the contrary, crying indicates that the child feels safe enough to bring up
painful feelings, and is not afraid of being rejected.
How can parents respond helpfully to childrens tears and tantrums?
First of all, parents can take preventive measures by attempting to reduce frustrations,
disappointments, and overstimulation. It is a well-known fact that a tired or hungry child
has a lower tolerance level for frustration. Some children are more sensitive than others
and are easily upset by overstimulation or changes in routine. A calm and predictable
environment with gentle transitions can be reassuring to children who become easily
overwhelmed.
While it is important to keep stress at a minimum in childrens lives, it is just as
important to resist the urge to make things better, if this implies distracting children
from their feelings. If a child cries when her favorite toy breaks, it is tempting to say,
Dont cry. Well buy another one. A more helpful response is to show loving sympathy
and reflect her feelings, for example, Youre really sad about that. Although this may
temporarily make the crying louder, it will help the child feel understood and will give
her the necessary permission to express her feeling of loss. When a child is physically
hurt it is important to acknowledge the pain (I see that your scraped knee really hurts)
rather than deny it or distract the childs attention away from it. Parents can also
recognize the emotions such as fear or anger that often accompany an accident: Was it
scary falling off the swing?
Even when the crying or raging seems to be out of proportion to the incident that
triggered it, the child benefits when he is allowed to express himself. Perhaps the spilled
milk at dinnertime is a pretext for him to release an entire day of accumulated
frustrations or disappointments. The most helpful response is simply to allow the crying
or tantrum to occur, even though this may require a tremendous amount of patience. If
the crying is disruptive, the child can be taken to another room, provided an adult stays
with him to offer loving support. No person of any age should be forced to cry alone. It is
especially important that children never feel they are being punished for crying.
If the child acts violently towards others while raging, it is important to stop the hurtful
behavior. The child can be told that he must not hit another person, but he may hit a
pillow. If verbal instructions to stop hitting are not effective, an adult may need to step in
and provide gentle restraint, saying, I need to keep everyone safe. I see you are very
angry. I cannot let you hurt anyone, but its okay to scream and cry. The goal is to stop
the violence while encouraging a healing release of emotions. Children who hit or bite
are often close to tears but do not feel safe enough to cry. Close and loving holding that
interrupts the hurtful behavior can allow the child to begin crying, which is precisely
what he needed to do in the first place. A child who has been allowed to cry loudly and
freely within the safe boundaries of his parents arms will then be less prone to violent or
destructive behavior.
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To conclude, tears and tantrums are built-in healing mechanisms that help children
overcome the effects of stress and trauma. Acceptance of strong emotions is an essential
ingredient in unconditional love and healthy attachment. Children need an environment
that permits them to cry without being distracted, ridiculed, or punished. This will allow
them to maintain emotional health by regularly freeing themselves from the effects of
frustrating, frightening, or confusing experiences. An additional advantage of this
approach is that, when parents strive to accept and listen to their childrens strong
emotions, the children will grow up knowing that they can always come to their parents
with their problems, and that they will be loved no matter how sad, frightened, or angry
they feel.
Copyright 2000 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be
reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical
(including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written
permission from Aletha Solter.
Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant,
and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her three
books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish and Tears and Tantrums
have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an
expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She lives in California, and
has two grown children and one grandchild. Her fourth book, Raising Drug-Free Kids,
was published in September 2006.
Aware Parenting is a philosophy of child-rearing that has the potential to change the
world. Based on cutting-edge research and insights in child development, Aware
Parenting questions most traditional assumptions about raising children, and proposes a
new approach that can profoundly shift a parents relationship with his or her child.
Parents who follow this approach raise children who are bright, compassionate,
competent, non-violent, and drug-free.
Warning/Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended to be used as a
substitute for medical advice or treatment. When children display emotional, behavioral,
or medical problems of any kind, parents are strongly advised to seek competent medical
advice and treatment. Aletha Solter, The Aware Parenting Institute, and Shining Star
Press shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to
any damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly by the information
contained in this article.
The Aware Parenting Institute
www.awareparenting.com
23
Kim Wildner
My name is Kim Wildner. I have been a childbirth professional for 15 years. I am
certified through the Association of Labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators and the
HypnoBirthing Institute. My hypnosis training was through the Institute for
Transformational Hypnotherapy, which is licensed by the Michigan State Board of
Education. I was certified in 2001.
I began my journey to helping mothers find empowerment through birthing joyously
after my own ecstatic birth in 1991. Toward that end, I passed the exam for entry level
midwifery through the North American Registry of Midwives in 1994. This was only the
beginning of the journey thats led me to where I am today.
I am the author of Mothers Intention: How Belief Shapes Birth and have been published
in numerous professional journals.
See my full resume and press kit.
I have been married to the same man for 21 years and we have one beautiful, gently,
naturally born daughter.
Copyright Kim Wildner
Visit Kim Wildners website at www.kimwildner.com
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Did you know?
by Kim Wildner
From the website Womans Wisdom
[Sources for the information shared here can be found in Mother's Intention: How Belief Shapes
Birth Ample links and a suggested reading list are also provided for those seeking verification for
the delcarations made on this page. I encourage further exploration into this matter. You'll be
surprised at what you find. Never blindly believe anyone, including me.]
There are 19 industrialized nations with lower cesarean rates than the US. There are 22
countries with lower infant mortality rates (death rates for babies) than the US. In 100%
of those countries with lower infant mortality rates, midwives are the principal birth
attendants. In fact, in most births around the world, a doctor is not even in the room at
the time of birth.
As if that isn't sobering enough, in Reclaiming Our Health, by John Robbins there are
several examples of the mounting evidence supporting the safety of home birth and
midwives for healthy women. For instance, in an experiment in California, midwives
undertook the management of the majority of births. The reduction of the neonatal death
rate to half of what it had been when the obstetricians were managing births caused the
California Medical Association to oppose the program, resulting in it's termination. Once
obstetricians resumed control of the births, the neonatal death rate tripled within two
and a half years. This example is confined to California, but the results are consistent
with similar data from around the world. For more documented examples, click here for
suggested reading.
Obstetrics could never be replaced by midwifery, just as midwifery should have never
been nearly eradicated by obstetrics. Not all women should give birth at home.
Midwifery specializes in normal birth, and obstetrics is a surgical specialty for abnormal
situations. Technology in and of itself is not bad. It can be likened to fire. Both are tools.
Used appropriately, fire can keep us warm and cook our food. Inappropriate use can
cause property damage and deadly burns.
As a Certified Childbirth Educator it is my job to help parents distinguish for themselves
if they have chosen a caregiver who respects technology and uses it appropriately. In
other words, they learn how to become smart consumers. I try to help both home and
hospital couples examine all they've been told...rejecting what insults their soul. To that
end, my curriculum meets the needs of a wide variety of parents. All parents want the
best for their baby, regardless of where they have chosen to birth or with whom. I
support the right to choose. It is my job to see to it that the parents who seek my services
have the tools that they need to make informed choices relevant to their particular
situation. A choice made in ignorance is no choice at all.
The ideal partnership that produces the healthiest babies and lowest death rates is
complementary care. Elsewhere in the world, all healthy women see midwives for their
prenatal care. When and if complications occur, a highly skilled obstetrician is consulted.
This system also utilizes Universal Health Care to reduce the possibility of inappropriate
25
use of technology. Medically indicated use of tests and procedures is paid for, as are
midwifery services, but use of physicians or intervention in the absence of medical
indication must be paid for by the parents out of pocket. The result is less abuse of
technology as well as lower death and injury rates for moms and babies. Where midwives
and doctors work together, everyone wins.
Consider the Following
There are a couple of myths that perpetuate the fear that our culture has of birth, which
is ultimately what keeps women from making safer decisions regarding maternity care.
Myth #1. Birth moved from home to hospital because hospital was safer.
Not only is this false, but had midwifery and home birth continued to be the norm along
with the factors that actually did improve outcomes (better nutrition, sanitation, birth
control availability and the discovery of antibiotics), maternal and infant mortality
(death) and morbidity (injury) would actually have declined further!
The reality is that birth moved into the hospital by far more sinister intent. For hundreds
of years, midwives were burned at the stake as witches for having knowledge of herbs
and healing. The history of the witch burnings is too vast to do more than touch on it
here, but suffice it to say that the persecution continues to this day. Granted, it has
changed form. Women are no longer burned for practicing midwifery. But make no
mistake...the medical profession is still trying to denigrate the profession of midwifery by
scandalous means. The lives of countless midwives in the service of women have been
ruined by harrassment. For the story of the last one hundred years in the United States,
see the portion of the College of Midwives website titled The Official Plan to Eliminate
the Midwife.
Fortunately, with the advent of the information age, the truth about midwifery is coming
to the fore and can no longer be suppressed. Knowledgeable doctors in support of
midwifery and homebirth are forming groups, such as Physicians for Midwifery.
Consumer advocacy groups like Citizens for Midwifery are growing. Women are asking
questions.
Myth #2 Birth is a dangerous medical condition.
False. Birth is a normal, physiological event. The campaign of lies and misrepresentation
referred to in myth number one has led to generations of women being terrified of birth.
Let's get some perspective.
Are you afraid to ride in a car? If you are a woman between the age of 14 and 34
(childbearing age, more or less)the rate of death by car accident is 20 per 100,000. The
rate of death for vaginal birth is 6 per 100,000. Although the rate of death is more than
three times higher than for giving birth, we don't restrict ourselves to clear fluids before
getting in the car for a trip to the store, nor do we expect to have an IV set up for each car
trip...both standard interventions for birth.
Now that you have a clearer picture of how safe birth is, contrast this with the 24%
chance that if you give birth with a physician in the hospital, you will have a cesarean
section (forget for a moment that the World Health Organization recommends no more
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than a 12-15% cesarean rate because when the rate rises higher than that, more babies
actually die than are saved by the procedure).
Let's take the comparison in a different direction. Let's compare some numbers with
something that is in our awareness quite often. Breast cancer. 1 in 10 women will get
breast cancer. More than 1 in 4 women will have a cesarean.
We have breast cancer awareness month. We have celebrity fund raisers to find a cure
for breast cancer. We have public awareness messages about checking our breasts,
urging sisters, mothers and buddies to have mammograms and information on how to
reduce our chances of contracting breast cancer. Something about breast cancer is on the
news almost weekly. Quite rightly so. It's a wonderful cause. But who is helping us learn
how to avoid unnecessary cesareans? Why are we under the impression, as a culture, that
a cesarean is just another way to have a baby? How is it that a life saving procedure for
extreme cases only has come to be so common?
Hopefully now it's clear why I would want to help other women. I grew up with the same
misconceptions as any other woman in our society. What changed my mind about birth?
I informed myself. I read a lot. Eventually, I could make no other choice for my birth
other than a home birth with midwives. I hope that this web site is just the starting point
for parents looking for the safest, most dignified birth experience possible.
Visit Kim Wildners website at www.kimwildner.com
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Mothers Intention: How Belief Shapes Birth
A Commonsense Guide to Safer, More Comfortable, Guilt-free Birth
in 5 Simple Steps
A Must Have for Pregnant Moms
A review of Mothers Intention by Sheri L. Menelli, author of Journey into Motherhood:
Inspirational Stories of Natural Birth
This is my favorite book to give as a shower gift. I love it so much that I've already given
several as gifts to family and friends. I also started selling it because I decided that this
was a book that my students had to read.
This book is like a roadmap for pregnancy and birthing. I thought I knew a lot as a
childbirth educator but I was surprised by how much I learned from this book. I really
wish I would have had this one during my first pregnancy, I would have made some
different choices.
I think it would be the best book to buy when you first find out you are pregnant. It
would save so much heartache and pain during labor.
This book is also helpful for doulas, midwives and childbirth educators. They will
certainly have better births if they have their clients read this book and it will help them
to become better teachers. It has helped me to be a much more effective teacher.
Overall, I give it 5 stars. I can't wait to see any other books that Ms. Wildner writes.
Copyright Sheri L. Menelli
My review from Amazon.com, March 3, 2004
It's a shame I can't give this book six stars - or more!
Mother's Intention is an insight into modern childbirth that gives you the facts not the
fiction, plus tons of encouragement and support for every mother-to-be who's searching
for the positive experience that is rightfully theirs. Rarely has the phrase "a must read"
been used with such good reason. It IS a must read, but not only for mothers-to-be, their
partners and their professional carers - EVERYONE even remotely interested in
understanding the childbirth experience and its meaning in our lives will benefit from
reading this outstanding book.
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Mothers Intention: How Belief Shapes Birth
Excerpt from Chapter 9
Agony or Ecstasy
Perception is reality. Everything is neutral until we give meaning to an event based on
our perceptions.
I was first introduced to this concept through my husband, a quality manager in the
automotive industry. If the customer perceives a problemeven if no problem can be
found in design or functionthere is a problem. The customers perception is the quality
departments reality. Period.
The filters through which we view birthing and parenting alter our personal perceptions.
This is a simple fact. Perception is reality. A dozen people can witness one event and
every one of them will recount a different version of events.
Two mothers can have experiences seemingly exactly the same from the outside, but
have completely different internal interpretations of the value attributed to their
experience.
In one video I use in my childbirth classes, one woman in labor using self-hypnosis looks
like shes sleeping. Another woman in labor is howling down the hall. The birth
processthe muscles involved, the action of the muscles, the birthing hormones, etcis
the same for all normal births. These two mothers are experiencing the same physical
stimuli, the same sensations and functions, yet they have assigned very different
meanings to their experience, thus creating different realities.
Every event in our lives is neutral, in-and-of-itself. Our interpretations are a choice.
Some people tend by nature to always see the positive, some the negative. Some
circumstances seem quite negative by their very nature, though we see examples all
around us of people who have taken tragedy and turned it into opportunity. Christopher
Reeves comes to mind.
It is vitally important to acknowledge that perception is reality when speaking about
birth because birth is such a powerful, personal, defining moment in a womans life.
Each woman, as a unique individual, has unique perceptions, and will assign unique
meaning to what takes place during her birth. Failure to understand this fully has made
dialog about better birth more laborious than it needs to be. If the reader has visited
birth related message boards on the internet, the truth of this has already been made
apparent.
The plethora of bad birth programming on cable also illustrates this point. I find it very
difficult to watch these programs because they make me so sad and angry. In one show I
watched, three of three births ended up surgeries. All complications were predictable, all
preventablecaused, not encountered.
29
One mother was induced, labeled overdue via ultrasound. The induction failed, the baby
went into distress from the induction agents. Considering ultrasound is known to be an
inaccurate way to assess due dates, and it is also know that inductions agents like cytotec
and pitocin carry substantial risk to healthy mothers, this is not surprising.
One mother was doing great until her Dr. decided she wasnt progressing fast enough as
per Freidmans curve. Dr. Freidman himself has said its disturbing that his assessment
tool is abused in such a way, but it is none-the-less. The mothers doctor broke her
wateragain, known to be useless in substantially speeding up labor but to carry many
risks. The babys cord washed down out of the birth canal with the tide of water rushing
out, the technical term being cord prolapse. Emergency cesarean.
The last mother was also doing quite well, until the nurse suggested that if the mother
didnt get her epidural now, she couldnt have it later. The nurse assured the mother
that labor would get much worse, that she shouldnt be a martyr, and that she might as
well get the epidural now.
The mother, under such duress, decided to go ahead and get it. The baby went into
distress, again, foreseeable. The mother was assured that the epidural had nothing to do
with the series of events as she was whisked off to surgery.
In every case, cause and effect was predictable and obvious. In every case, the parents
were assured the interventions had nothing to do with the complication. In every case
the parents were thrilled that medical technology had saved their baby. And I was
furious at the injustice theyd unnecessarily endured!
This vision of birth is so foreign to what I know birth to be that I cannot fathom why
anyone would willingly put themselves though this unless they were sick or injured.
Our perceptions, thus our realities, were dramatically different.
Another example is somewhat singular to HypnoBirthing.
Many women would say that if they could envision the perfect labor it would be as short
as possible. With HypnoBirthing very short labor is becoming common. Often labors
are between 2 and 4 hours and painless. Sometimes though, mothers labor for hours
painlessly, not even realizing they are in labor. Or, they may realize they are in labor, but
so comfortable, they go about their usual business. Then, when the fetal ejection
response (1) is triggered, the baby seems to move down quite suddenly. For some women
this is uncomfortable (others actually find it enjoyable), maybe even painful, but of very
short duration. The intensity may only last for a couple of surges, but it takes the
mothers quite by surprise. Once the discomfort is felt, there may be fear that it will be so
for hours more. Not realizing that birth is imminent, the mother tenses up, engaging the
fear/tension/pain cycle. It will not hinder her labor the baby is nearly out at this point,
but it will alter the experience of the event for the mother.
She may feel disappointed, even angry. If she had plans to labor in a birthing tub,
surrounded by loved ones, aroma therapy, soft music and candles, her expectations have
been dashed, especially if labor was so fast all she had time to do was kneel to catch a
baby that was nearly falling out of her.
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She may feel as if shes been hit by a truck with no time to emotionally assimilate what
was happening, finding herself suddenly with a newborn in her arms.
Someone who enjoyed such an experience, or someone who would like to, might respond
with Your birth was only an hour and youre upset?! Id love that! Never the less, for
the mother who was overwhelmed, the perception is a negative one.
Some women have been able to reframe their experience into something more positive
eventually, but the fact remains their initial reactions were partly due to expectations
lost, which changes the lens through which the event is viewed.
Pain is perhaps the most subjective reality of all, especially in labor. So, must pain be
inherent in labor and birth?
Whats Pain Got To Do With It?
There is no doubt that painful birth has been the experience of millions of women. So
prevalent in our society is this concept, that it is taken as a given that birth must be an
excruciating ordeal.
Let them cling to the notion that suffering and birthing are two sides of the same coin. I
want to explore the possibility of painless birthwithout drugs.
Wait! Im not crazy! Years ago when I first read about painless birth my reaction was also
Yeah, right! but Ive changed my beliefs regarding birth and pain. I hope I can help
alleviate the fear for the reader as well.
Even in my midwifery training I learned that pain in labor is essential for both
physiological and psychological reasons. I still believe that in certain instances pain is
beneficial. It can be a great communicator, both guiding and warning.
I accepted without question that birth was painful. Still, I felt that it was manageable
when weighed against the harm drugs posed. When I gave birth to my own daughter in
1991 labor was definitely not painless. It was bearable. Ive certainly felt worse, before
and since. Birth was a breeze compared to pathological pain such as a kidney infection, a
ruptured ovarian cyst or a broken arm.
My own birthing experience, combined with the first hundred or so births I witnessed,
reinforced my belief. I did see a couple of women give birth painlessly, one even
orgasmicly. However, I felt that they were lucky or somehow different from the rest of us.
Maybe they had a high tolerance for pain, I reasoned.
I viewed natural birth as an accomplishment to be proud of. I marveled that there were
women who trained incessantly to be thin or to climb mountains, surely enduring more
pain for longer periods than what labor would require, only to demand to be numbed on
the first labor twinge. I felt it quite ironic that empowerment seminars with fire walking
and river rafting were all the rage, yet womens built opportunity for enlightenment was
numbed with drugs. What I see now is that my belief colored what I saw, so that what I
saw supported my belief.
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There are known variables that contribute to pain in labor including positioning (of both
mother and baby) tension, environmental factors, obstetrical management and a
multitude of other things under the control of the mother. Could it be that a mothers
choices, in pregnancy and during the labor and birth, had any impact on her experience?
Absolutely.
Once I attained certification as a Mongan Method HypnoBirthing practitioner and
heard firsthand stories of quick and easy births over and over again, I knew for certain
what I had hoped was possible. Birth isnt the problem. The obstetrically managed
births, known for decades for higher morbidity and mortality rates as well as
epidemically high, unnecessary surgical births, are.
It was finally the second birth of my best friend that left no doubt in my mind that my
past ideas about pain in birth had been wrong.
I hoped that HypnoBirthing would work for her. Her first birth was textbook, 12 hours
of labor with 2 hours of pushing. It was hard work, and it was painful. It was emotionally
difficult for me because I love her and hated to see her in pain.
When I attended her HypnoBirthing two years later she was radiant. She was calm,
relaxed and retained her keen sense of humor throughout. From the time her water
broke and labor kicked in, to the time her 10 lb. 4 oz. son was in her arms, was an hour
and a half with a 13-minute second stage.
As beautiful as that was, the amazing part was that she had broken her tailbone 4 days
prior to birth. She never once felt pain from her injury. She beamed, Its over already? It
was so easy!
When I believed it, I saw it. Once I saw it, I felt compelled to understand it better.
Is pain inescapable in labor?
In early attempts to let women in on the secret of comfortable birth, I asked parents in
my classes if labor has to hurt. The responses have been consistent, likely thoughts the
reader may have, so I will address them.
Labor must be painful. Its Eves curse.
This belief is often attributed to the Bible, Genesis 3:16. The word translated as pain or
sorrow is the Hebrew etzev.
This same word is used 16 times throughout the Bible. Nowhere else is it translated as
pain. In fact, in the very next verse, Genesis 3:17, it is accurately translated as it is in all
other instances, as toil. (2)
Even if pain and suffering in labor were punishment for Eves sin, isnt the purpose of
baptism to cleanse away sin? Wasnt the purpose of Jesus dying on the cross to atone for
the sins of the world? Many women giving birth quickly and comfortably are non-
Christian. Why would they be able to birth comfortably, but the faithful suffer? How does
this reasoning make a 90% epidural rate ok, but not a relaxation method for more
comfortable birth?
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Contractions hurteveryone knows that!
Who is everyone? Obviously not HypnoBirthing women! Obviously not blissful
homebirth mothers.
The uterus contracts painlessly in its normal functioning at times other than during
birth. During menstruation, the uterus contracts, the cervix opening to allow the
contents of the uterus to pass. Most women will not experience pain during this process.
The uterus contracts painlessly during the Braxton-Hicks contractions of pregnancy. The
uterus contracts painlessly during orgasm.
Every muscle in the body functions by contraction and release. No other healthy muscle,
going about its normal function, hurts. A malnourished or dehydrated muscle hurts. An
injured muscle hurts. Normal function such as walking, flexing a bicep or the beating of a
healthy heart does not hurt.
Something huge is coming through such a small opening!
The uterus is the size of a pear before pregnancy. At term, it has stretched to
accommodate the baby. Being pregnant isnt painful. There are normal discomforts as
the body adjusts, but most women would not judge it painful.
The cervix has stretch receptors in it that signal the brain to release endorphins. These
are the bodys own strong painkillers. The cervix thins as it opens over the babys head,
as a turtleneck sweater pulled over a head. This means there is extra material to work
with, so to speak as it goes from very thick and soft, to paper thin, disappearing as it is
taken up as part of the uterus, which it is.
Viewing images of crowning in class invariably causes wincing. Again, we look to the
amazing design of women to understand why this part doesnt have to hurt.
By childbearing age, the genital area is comprised of many folds of skin. During birth,
like with the extra thickness of the cervix, these folds are taken up. They smooth out
around the babys head until they are gone completelylike an accordion. This built in
give is why episiotomies are so rarely necessary.
Painless BirthAn Old-New Concept
Earlier, we explored choices in childbirth classes. A little history may shed light on how
long the concept of painless birth has been around.
Between the early 1900s and the 1970s, three doctors tried to help American women give
birth naturally and comfortably.
In 1913 Dr. Grantly Dick-Read asked a woman hed just attended in birth why she had
refused chloroform for the relief of pain. Her reply was It didnt hurt. It wasnt mean to,
was it, Doctor?
Other similar experiences caused Dick-Read to question what hed learned about
birthing. He concluded that what made these painless labors different was the absence of
33
fear. The idea of the fear/tension/pain cycle was born. By the 1950s Dick-Read had
published several books on the subject. (3)
In the 1940s Dr. Robert Bradley became a natural childbirth proponent, coming to many
of the same conclusions that Dr. Grantly Dick-Read had. From Dr. Bradleys work came
his book Husband-Coached Childbirth and Bradley Childbirth classes.
Dr. Bradley was very interested in hypnosis and originally promoted his method as
using hypnosis. However, during the 1950s and 1960s hypnosis was controversial.
Eventually, the emphasis on hypnosis was dropped and put on "deep relaxation" instead.
During the 1950s, Dr. Ferdinand Lamaze witnessed painless birth in Russia. He
documented what he felt were the essential components for a comfortable birth. In the
early years, Lamaze was unabashedly about self-hypnosis, but possibly meeting the
same resistance as Bradley, his method was termed psychoprophylaxisor mind
prevention. The original intent was painless birth.
Lamaze Internationals (5) current objectives, while evidence-based and mother/baby-
friendly, do not seem to include the idea of painless birth.
Many nurses, and doctors, object to teaching painless childbirth on the premise that if
we say its possible, women who perceive birth as painful will feel like failures. In fact,
right or wrong, anything contradicting current obstetrical management (6)much of
which is the origin of painwill be excluded from discussion.
This is like saying that if women have painful periods, they should feel like failures for
not menstruating painlessly because most women do. Pain is a subjective experience.
Perceptions differ. There are too many variables in birth, and in the choices that women
make, to ensure that every woman have the same exact experience.
Apply this logic to any other situation and it becomes ridiculously obvious its flawed.
Say, a friend and I have two garden lots. My lot is sandy, hers rich and fertile. I have
slugs and bugs, she has no pests. We have the same tools and the same seeds, but my
climate is cooler for more of the year. If we plant gardens, can we expect the same
results? What if I procrastinate and plant a month later than I should? What if I am
guided to fertilize and choose not to? What if I let deer come in and trample what is
growing?
A Rose by any other name
One mother of the 50s who had benefited from Dr. Grantley Dick-Reads work decided it
was time for women to take back their births. Her name is Marie Mongan and she is the
originator of a program utilizing the necessary components of a gentle birth
HypnoBirthing.
As the name implies, HypnoBirthing is unabashedly about self-hypnosis. Mongan has
chosen to educate people about what self-hypnosis actually is instead of cloaking the
method in alternative language.
Misconception still surrounds the word hypnosis. It isnt something someone does to
you. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. Anyone can and does access this state several times a
day. Falling asleep or waking up, driving, reading or even watching TV, our brainwave
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pattern is the same as in hypnosis. Advertisers know this and use it to their advantage.
Commercials slip information into our subconscious constantly. If we are in a state of
hypnosis when a commercial comes on for a flame-broiled burger, why dont we all rush
to get one?
Because no one will do something against their own values while in hypnosis. Those
whose only exposure to hypnosis has been stage hypnosis have probably seen
participants do outrageous things, however, stage hypnotists purposely choose people
who might act outrageously anyway if asked after a couple of stiff drinks.
Back to the burger
If I am a vegetarian and a commercial comes on for a burger, Im not going to instantly
desire seared cow. I might go to my freezer for a veggie patty. However, if Im already
thinking a burger sounds good, Ill probably get up and goor at least the thought will
stick with me until the next time I drive by the burger place.
The common thread
As briefly mentioned earlier, in the 1970s Dr. Herbert Benson studied a state he termed
the relaxation response. He acknowledged that this relaxed state carried many labels,
one being hypnosis. If the word hypnosis is objectionable, the physiological state and
brainwave pattern characteristic of hypnosis, and the relaxation response, has also been
called biofeedback, prayer and meditation. No matter what name it goes by, whats
important is how the mind affects the body.
Bensons main concern was relieving stress. He recognized that modern day humans
spend far too much time engaged in a fight or flight response which you may have
heard of. His contention was that our modern life kept us in this state continually,
harming our health. We now know this to be true.
In birth methods that actually result in comfortable, shorter, natural birth, the
interruption of the fear/tension/pain cycle was integral to the method. What I found
interesting when I read Dr. Bensons work (7) was that the essential components in what
he termed the relaxation response, the opposite of the fight or flight response, were
what made up the working methods for painless birth.
The four elements
If we look at what is required to elicit the relaxation response, we can see why some
methods may have worked when they were developed, but no longer do.
1. A comfortable (and safe) environment.
Dr. Lamazes concepts did not translate to American hospitals where the limbic system,
the primitive part of the brain that conducts birthing, interpreted strangers and
unfamiliar odors as signals to fight or flee. This also explains why homebirth mothers
usually consider their births more manageable.
Also, husbands were not allowed in the delivery room, as a rule, until Husband-Coached
Childbirth. The painless births that Lamaze saw in Russia included labor support. Just
35
this one component has since been proven to improve outcomes (8) yet it wasnt until
recent years that American women had even heard of the term doula.
2. A mental devicea sound, word, prayer, fixed gaze or focus on breathing.
The counted breath and focal point of Lamaze is one example of this. HypnoBirthing
uses deep abdominal breathing which holds a relaxation trigger in and of itself.
3. A passive attitudenot worrying about performing well and the ability to put
aside distracting thoughts.
Again, harder to achieve in a setting where everything down to whether or not you pee
enough is obtrusively assessed.
4. A comfortable position.
When Lamazes methods were brought over from Europe, this was not even an option in
American hospitalsall women were laid on their backs, the most uncomfortable
position imaginable for birthing.
Before the routine use of non-medically indicated technology, Lamaze might have
helped many women despite less than ideal conditions. A mother may not have been
comfortable in the hospital, but she might be attended by the physician shed had since
childhood. She might not have been allowed a comfortable position, but if she were able
to focus intently, she might be able to block uncomfortable sensations. As birth began to
revolve around the convenience of staff and the use of technology, mothers would have
had a harder time adapting. As these mothers experienced painful labors, the mothers
and those attending her made the sweeping assumption that Lamaze doesnt work,
never considering it was the adaptations at the level of the individual instructor, at odds
with the organizational vision, that rendered it ineffective, not the method itself.
The importance of deep, slow breathing for relaxation is now widely recognized. The
success couples experience is due to their dedication to being informed consumers and
reducing interventions to only those that are medically indicated. Bradley, ALACE and
BirthWorks, indeed most independent classes, help many women in the same way but
may or may not teach techniques that trigger the relaxation response. HypnoBirthing
does teach such techniques along with wise consumerism.
New Choices
If our only choice in labor really was torture or being numb to the most important event
in a womans life, it would be quite understandable that women would disconnect. The
spin that has been put on this normal process is that no drugs=pain, drugs=no pain with
some serious misrepresentations. Its human nature to not look very deeply into those
misrepresentations if we believe that it will take away our salvation.
Now that we know that we dont have to make a choice between suffering in labor or our
babies well-being we truly have options. HypnoBirthing has revived the concept of
comfortable birth, now supported by the science of evidence based care. Those willing to
conquer the fear our culture has falsely instilled in us will change the face of what it
36
means to birth safelygently and with dignity. Well see it when we believe it. Perception
is everything.
Everyday, in every circumstance, including the birthing of your child, you have the power
to choose your perceptions. There is neither good nor bad sensation until you assign
meaning to it. Your response to labor is not a function of physiology, but how you choose
to perceive labor.
I am not suggesting that all labor is painlessonly that normal labor can be. Obviously,
if illness or injury should become part of the experience, pain may be an important
communicator. Also, if your birthing choices include things that cause pain in labor,
realistically you may or may not be able to reframe the sensation until the pain-causing
elements are eliminated, either by actually removing them or by using self-hypnosis to
mitigate their effect.
Do we know what causes pain in labor? Without a doubt. Anything that creates tension,
fear, or disruption of the primitive birthing brain. Strangers, unfamiliar scents, bright
lights, constant interruption of the mothers efforts, unnatural positions and alteration of
the birthing hormones with artificial chemicals. In short, most of what is considered
usual at the typical American birth today. No wonder women have a hard time accepting
the idea that labor doesnt have to be painful!
If you have had a past negative or painful birth, the good news is you can choose to learn
from that event, making different choices this time. Only you can decide how to use your
experience. Will it continue to hurt you everyday, affecting each subsequent birth, or will
you refuse to carry it beyond this day?
Emotional pain is a filter in itself. Though it may seem that it is never ending and deep,
there is another side eventually. There are inspirational stories to draw from
concentration camp survivors, mothers who have lost children to drunk drivers who then
went on to save others children, and John Walsh, who lost his son Adam to murder but
went on to help others. Through unspeakable pain, these individuals have made the
choice to use their experiences in a positive way.
Even if you are healing from an unexpected birth outcome and it doesnt seem possible
right now, there will come a time when that choice is yours. If you are pregnant again
after an unfortunate outcome, as far too many wounded mothers are, it might behoove
you to be courageous and seek help now before the past affects the outcome of the
present.
Ultimately, how you perceive pregnancy and birth is your choice. The birth shows where
strangers attend mothers in strange environments meant for sick people are alien to me.
I choose to see pregnancy and birth as natural, physiological events until there is reason
to believe otherwise. Fortunately for me, science backs up my belief. Its painful for me to
see other peoples distorted perception of birth portrayed as reality when I have seen and
experienced something so radically different, especially when its contrary to every bit of
evidence as to what makes birth safe.
I understand perception is reality so I recognize that the birthing choices made within
such a reality make sense to the parents making them. It just makes me sad that anyone
would choose it.
37
Our personalities, experiences, beliefs and attitudes powerfully influence the
interpretations we assign to birth; those interpretations, in turn, determine what we will
experience and how others will respond to us. This is neither good nor badit simply is.
All of us view the world through our personal filters. Filters may be healthy or distorted;
constructive or destructive. To make our own best decisions, we need to recognize what
our filters may be so they dont distort perceptions critical to our safe birthing decisions.
There is no question that our filters include perceptions passed down to us from mothers
before us who processed their own experiences through their own filters, as well as from
medical personnel who view birth through the filter of pathology. A woman raised to be
afraid of birth as a medical eventvirtually all US womenwill come to birth afraid. Fear
creates pain.
If this view were reality, it would stand to reason that everyone would experience it,
which we have established is not so. If there are mothers who choose a joyful experience,
maybe you can consciously create a joyful reality, too!
We are products of both conscious and unconscious input. What matters is not whether
that input was positive or negative, but how we choose to let it affect our pregnancy and
birth now.
Maybe its not others perceptions that brought us to see birth as scary or dangerous.
Maybe you have actually had an unfair and horrible birth. Allowing your current reality
to be affected by past events allows the past to dictate both your present and your future.
In order to ensure that this baby and this birth, are not disrupted by the other, past
experience, learn about what went wrong. Is it preventable? If not, is it a repeating sort
of problem? Is it reasonable to be concerned this time, or is an unreasonable fear
clouding your perceptions. Know your filters so you can compensate for them. Accepting
accountability for what you can control in your birth makes what you cant more
acceptable.
Some people adapt to stress gracefully, others come unglued when faced with the same
pressures. How do they differ? One sees an opportunity, the other an obstacle. Their
perceptions, their filters, determine the quality of their experience. One parent, faced
with prenatal tests and interventions may decide that even if the chance of something
going wrong is small, they couldnt live with themselves if their child developed a
problem that might have been prevented. This is actually often suggested to them by the
physician who wants to do the testing. Well, if it were my child and I could have
prevented such-and-such, I couldnt live with myself. No matter if the condition of
concern is likely to be minor and the treatment actually more dangerous.
Another parent might weigh the risk and benefits just as carefully and see things
completely opposite. If the condition of concern is equal or lesser than possible
complications resulting from the testing or treatment, this parent may say to themselves,
Of course I would feel horrible if something bad happened, preventable or not, as any
parent would, but Id feel worse it I were the one to cause it by taking the riskier action.
In the five years it took for my husband and myself to get pregnant, we did a lot of
research on healthy pregnancy and safe birth. We decided that if we only got to do this
38
once, we didnt have room for error in our choices.
After our homebirth, one family member said to another, Its a damn good thing
everything turned out okay! If anything had gone wrong, Id never forgive them! If
anything had gone wrong, which I knew to be unlikely, considering statistically I was
certain wed made the safe choice, Im sure we would have felt sufficiently bereaved.
However, knowing what I knew about those statistics, had we opted for a hospital birth
and something had gone wrong, which was much more likely, I would have felt worse
because I would have felt that we knowingly put our child in danger. Ironically, we would
have gotten sympathy for an unexpected outcome for the socially acceptable choice,
though we didnt get support for the wonderful outcome of our socially unacceptable
choice, no matter how well educated we were on the matter.
This family member loved us very much, but often, when someone elses filter is
drastically different from our own, the behaviors resulting from their filters are labeled
strange. Our filters were simply different. From my moderate standpoint, I might form
similar opinions about unassisted birth.
I support parents right to choose it, knowing that the odds are with them, but I wouldnt
do it. No one is wrong, just viewing birth though a different lens.
A common misperception is that if one persons perception is right for them, the other
persons must be wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Clearly, the perception
of reality is not the same, but the reasoning behind decisions could, in fact, be very much
alike. They start out with divergent filters, so their eventual reality outcome will be as
well. What matters is whether or not their filters result in the safest, most satisfying birth
for them. That can only be determined by each mother, each parent, alone.
I know faulty assumptions resulting from my own filters have led me down unproductive
paths in my own life. Im sure if you think about it, there are times when your own filters
have led you to faulty assumptionsquite likely regarding pregnancy and birth.
This is only a bad thing if you fail to scrutinize your assumptions before treating them
as fact.
The behavior of most parents, physicians and nurses would make perfect sense if the
initial assumption of birth as a painful, dangerous, medical event were sound. Current
obstetric management can be viewed as a test of the validity of that assumption. If
pregnancy were dangerous, routine medical testing would improve outcomes. It hasnt.
If birth were a medical disaster in waiting, routine medical intervention would not
disrupt the process. It does. If technology were integral to the process of birth, routine
technology would improve outcomes. It hasnt. If birth were inherently painful, all
women would suffer without medicine. They dont. The initial assumption is proven
faulty.
Continuing to behave under faulty birthing assumptions perpetuates the perception of a
reality with no basis in fact. This is illogical for parents who desire comfort and safety for
their birth.
39
Have you made assumptions regarding birth without testing their validity and then acted
on those assumptions as if they were irrefutable truth? Is the consequence of this
behavior that your birthing reality is based not on fact, but on a fear-based, untested
perception?
If you accept the assumption that normal birth is always painful, you might disregard
evidence to the contrary. This assumption will affect your opinion of women who choose
to give birth at home without drugs. Your assumption may cause you to make decisions
that arent in your best interest, or that of your baby. Other women, making the same
assumption, may demand their epidural at the door. Suppose that, she too, has failed to
test the initial assumption. Both of you have made faulty initial assumptions which
neither has tested for truth or reliability. You may be operating logically from your
perspective, but starting with wrong information, even with right thinking, can still
result in huge mistakes. Your fear-based thinking is more likely to result in major
complications, which will reinforce your fear...a self-perpetuating cycle. Sadly, this is
where we, as women, are today. This is the cycle I want to help you break so that you,
too, may experience ecstatic birth.
Perception is reality. Allow your perception to be grounded in fact, not myth or

someone elses history.
Notes
(1) Term coined through the work of Dr. Michael Odent to describe the rapid descent a baby will make in a
completely relaxed mother who is following her instinctual prompts.
(2) http://answering-islam.org/Index/L/labor.html
www.geocities.com/Wellesley/Atrium/5148/bible.html
(3) HypnoBirthing A Celebration of Life, Marie F. Mongan, M.Ed., M.Hy., Rivertree Publishing
(4) An independent Study Continuing Education Program from Lamaze International, The Lamaze
Philosophy of Birth, Judith Lothian, RN, PhD, LCCE, FACCE
(5) A Guide to Effective Care in Pregnancy and Childbirth, Enkin, Deirse, Renfrew and Neilson, Oxford
University Press, 1995
(6) Obstetric Myths versus Research Realities, A Guide to Medical Literature, Henci Goer
(7) The Relaxation Response, Herbert Benson, MD, The Mind/Body Institute, Associate Professor of
Medicine, Harvard Medical School, Harpertorch, 1975
(8) Doula Can Improve the Heath of Both Mother and Newborn
www.mercola.com/2000/oct/1/doula.htm
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HypnoBirthing
HypnoBirthing is a 5 week series of classes designed to help mothers birth more easily
and comfortably...resulting in a gentler experience for baby and a smoother transition
for the family too!
Parents are taught how to use self-hypnosis throughout pregnancy and labor. Parents
experience hypnosis at each class, and inspiring videos of natural birth using the
HypnoBirthing method are shown at each class as well.
Classes cover basic anatomy, physiology (how your body is designed to work), simple
nutrition, prenatal bonding and labor preparation.
To learn more about HypnoBirthing, please visit www.kimwildner.com/
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Fearless Birthing
Fearless Birthing is a program of self-discovery. It is nothing short of a map to the
place where mother's intuition awaits. It is a way to access the 'instruction manual' that
does come with each child!
Most of the decisions women make today regarding the childbearing year are
unintentionally fear-based. Women are perpetually afraid from the moment they find
out they are pregnant. They are afraid something is wrong with their baby. They are
afraid they won't be able to handle birth. They are afraid they won't be able to
breastfeed. They are afraid that every decision they make will somehow be wrong.
Who could blame mothers for feeling this way? They hear horror stories continually
from day one!
What if the problems so many women face today are not inherent in the childbearing
year? What if they are created? What if what you "know" about birth just isn't so? What
if by making evidence-based decisions you could get predictable results?
There are women doing just that! There are women giving birth joyously, even
painlessly, without drugs. There are women who breastfeed their babies with ease.
There are women who have exactly the experience of motherhood they set out to have.
How?
By using critical-thinking skills and mentoring techniques that are helping people reach
their goals in other areas of life, from career to spiritual fulfillment.
Fearless Birthing deals with the concerns of the childbearing year before they become
"issues". Beginning (preferably) in the first trimester, but as late as the second, parents
explore the decisions that will face them before they are time sensitive. This allows
parents to truly consider their options before committing to a course of action they may
regret later, which is essential for true informed consent.
Replacing fear with facts means parents can leave guilt behind, and enjoy the journey of
parenthood.
For more information about Fearless Birthing, please visit www.kimwildner.com/
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Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming
Parent-Child Relationships from Reaction and Struggle, to Freedom Power and Joy.
Naomi Aldort is an internationally renowned parenting counselor, advice-columnist, and
public speaker. (Parents from around the globe seek Aldorts advice by phone, in person
and through her workshops.) She is a psychologist who guides parents in all issues of
parenting, from infants and toddlers through children and teens as well as the emotional
needs of parents.
Aldorts guidance is not about better ways to control a child, but about freedom from the
need to control. She teaches a way of connecting and of understanding a
baby/toddler/child/teen so the child can be the best of herself, not because she fears you,
but because she wants to, of her own free will. Through a simple and powerful inquiry, a
parent finds clarity and wisdom with herself and her child/ren.
Aldort is an internationally published writer. Her advice columns and article appear in
Mothering magazine (USA) Natural Parenting (AU), The Mother UK), Life Learning
(Canada), Attachment Parenting Journal, Growing Without Schooling, and many more.
Her writing has also been published in a McGraw Hill university textbook and her
chapter, The Price of Praise is part of the book Easy Homeschooling techniques. Some of
her articles have been translated to Dutch, German, Spanish, Hebrew and Japanese.
Some of Aldorts better known articles are: Getting Our of the Way, Was Beethoven
Social, Toddlers to Tame or to Trust, The Fear of Tears, Helping Children Resolve
Emotional Hurts, and many more. You can read some of her articles on her site,
http://naomialdort.com/index.html
Aldort has been an inspiring public speaker whose key notes and classes can be heard on
CD titles like: Babies and Toddlers, to Tame or to Trust, and Trusting Our Children
Trusting Ourselves,
http://naomialdort.com/audio-video.html
Naomi Aldort is married and a mother of three flourishing young people. To see her
youngest, a twelve-year-old musician (2006), visit http://oliveraldort.com/.
Copyright Naomi Aldort
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Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
Reviews
Every parent would happily give up ever scolding, punishing or threatening if she only
knew how to ensure that her toddler/child/teen would thrive and act responsibly without
such painful measures. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is the answer to this
universal wish. It is not about nice and kind ways to control or elicit cooperation, but a
way of connecting and of understanding your child so she/he can be the best of herself,
not because she fears you because she wants to, of her own free will.
After years of assisting hundreds of families to bring peace and joy into their lives,
Naomi Aldort now offers in this book a way of parenting that allows the childs natural
competence and caring to unfold. The book provides tools for understanding babies,
toddlers, children and teens behaviors so that you (the parent) are able to prevent
difficulties and heal existing ones.
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is filled with real life stories that demonstrate
how events that would normally erupt into a great stressful upheaval can become heart
warming experiences of caring and growing. Some stories will move you to tears, others
to laughter, and the book will not cease to challenge every parenting assumption that
stands in the way of unconditional love. It will leave you feeling relieved and free to
celebrate every minute of this amazing journey with your child/ren.
Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves operates on the radical premise that neither
child nor parent must dominate. Aldort offers specific suggestions for relinquishing
control in favor of authenticity. Lots of help for those who want to give up scolding,
threatening and punishing. Her SALVE formula alone is worth the price of the book.
Peggy OMara, Editor and Publisher of Mothering
"Can you imagine - parenting that is fun instead of stressful? Your kids will thank you
for reading this book."
Cindi Williamson, Books Reviews, WA
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves raises parenting through connection to the
level of mastery.
Pam Leo, Author Connection Parenting
This is the book children should arrive with in their fresh little palms.
Betsy Bettencourt, Village Books Reviews
Aldorts book should be on the must read list of all Moms and Dads. This book could
carry a subtitle: Saving the Emotional Lives of Our Children and The Future of
Humanity.
James Prescott, Ph.D. Institute of Humanistic Science
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Raising Our Children is this generations How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. And, its
better. Every parent NEEDS this book.
Nick Kanieff, Personal Coach and Parent
Naomi Aldort takes the struggle out of parenting and replaces controlling and shaping
style of parenting with one that values, trusts and nurtures childrens innate abilities
and autonomy.
Wendy Priesnitz, Editor of Life Learning magazine, Author of Challenging Assumptions
in Education
Naomi delivers a masterpiece that will serve as the most important resource for
parents of this new millennium.
Lisa Biskup, Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie
45
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
Excerpts
TALK THAT HEALS AND CONNECTS
The words we choose in our interactions with children have the power to heal or to hurt,
to create distance or foster closeness, to shut down feelings or touch the heart and open
it, to foster dependency or to empower. For instance:
While shopping at a health food store, I heard a child crying. I followed
the sound and found a girl, about four years old, lying on the floor crying
and whining. No one seemed to be around her. I scanned the area quickly
and a woman at the counter answered my unasked question: I dont
know where her mother is. This boy seems to be her brother.
The crying girls brother was about nine years old. He was standing by the
shopping cart in the aisle. I sat down on the floor next to the crying girl
and tried to guess why she was crying.
Have you been waiting and waiting and waiting to get out of this store? I
asked.
Yes, she said.
Do you want to go home already?
Yes, she said, sobbing more fully now.
This is taking so long, and Mom seems so slow, I added.
Yes, came the answer. This time the girl looked at me with her big,
tearful eyes.
Its hard to be in this boring store and wait so long, I said.
Uh-huh.
Her brother then walked over to us and with an impatient gesture said,
Come on Lizzie, get up now.
I turned to the boy and said, Are you tired of waiting for Mom, too?
Yes, he said, and then he added, especially when the best TV show is
on.
Oh, I said. Are you missing your favorite TV show right now?
46
Yes, said Lizzie, and then she told me about the show.
What a bummer, I validated. When is this show going to be on again?
Tomorrow, they said in unison. Its on every day, added the boy.
Are you afraid that you are not going to be able to figure out what you
missed? I asked, thinking they might be concerned about following the
plot.
Yes, said Lizzie, while her brother nodded. Then Lizzie got up. I
introduced myself. Lizzie gave me a warm hug. I said, Im so glad I met
you. She sank into my arms and I stood up holding her. She was calm.
Then her brother moved closer and said, Im sure well figure out what
we missed on the show, Lizzie. Lizzie smiled.
At that moment the childrens mother came over and thanked me for my
help.
Talk that heals doesnt necessarily change anything. Lizzie didnt get to go home when
she wanted to and she still missed her TV program. What changed is how she felt about it
and how she spent the rest of the time in the store. The more common way of talking
often negates every pronouncement of the child. Lets look at how the conversation with
Lizzie would have looked like if I lovingly and gently negated her.
Suppose I had asked Lizzie, as she lay on the floor sobbing, Why are you crying? Asking
why puts a child on the defensive and implies that we dont see a reason for crying;
whereas, as a general rule, children believe that the reason for their tears should be
obvious. Why? can also infer a damaging accusation to a crying child: Something must
be wrong with you to be so upset over that. For the purposes of this example though,
lets imagine that Lizzie had responded to my question, Why are you crying? with I
want to go home.
Im sure Mom wont be long, I could have said. Want to see something?
At first glance, this last exchange may appear harmless, yet it denies Lizzies feelings not
once, but twice. First, to Lizzie, Mom is taking a long time to finish shopping. By
inferring otherwise, I would have contradicted Lizzies sense of impatience. Second, by
offering to distract Lizzie from her distress, I would have implied, Lets pretend you are
not feeling upset and lets make believe you are having fun. This negates her need to be
present to her emotions and her desire to speak about her upset and her wishes.
If Lizzie falls for the diversion, she may stop crying briefly. Yet, because her distress is
still acute and her feelings remain denied, the diversion, no matter how appealing, will
not take care of her emotional needs.
For the storys sake, lets say Lizzie doesnt fall for my attempt to distract her and cries all
the more loudly, I want to watch my TV show. I want to go home now!
Im sure you can watch the show another day, I might have negated some more.
Besides, too much TV isnt good for you.
47
At this point I would have alienated Lizzie to such an extent that she would have wanted
to escape. I would have minimized her sense of impatience, have dismissed her feelings
of frustration, attempted to distract her from her real feelings, and inferred that she had
no cause to be upset. Therefore, it would have been unlikely that Lizzie would have
persisted with her striving to express her feelings or ask for what she needed because she
would not have perceived me as being on her side.
My talk with Lizzie could have gone on indefinitely because negating never resolves
anything, but rather escalates painful emotions because the child is driven to defend her
story. Eventually she would have found a way to rid herself of me, feeling more upset
than she felt before.
When children perceive that its okay for them to be authentic, that it is fine to feel what
they feel, and when they see that we care about their point of view, they will often create
the solution to their problem, or make peace with reality. In contrast, when childrens
feelings are negated and denied, they are often unable to resolve their problems. They
feel angry because they perceive themselves as victims.
In the pretend scenario I would have alienated Lizzie to such a degree that she would
have been bound to transfer her righteous anger to her mother, further escalating her
own and her mothers distress. On the other hand, what actually happened in my
presence is that Lizzie felt relief when validated. She could then accept that she would
not be able to watch her favorite television program.
SELF-EXPRESSION
Your childs emotional outbursts
The capacities to shed tears, to laugh, and to express feelings and thoughts with words
are uniquely human. By expressing what is on our mind, we maintain our emotional
well-being and gain freedom to move forward. Although some people are able to quiet
their mind and move on, most of us live as though we are our mind and therefore need
tools to deal with its reactions and hurts. Expressing ourselves is also our way of creating
a connection with the people we love. Children express themselves not only in order to
maintain their own emotional well-being, but also for their intellectual and social
development.
Stopping a child from fully expressing his feelings does not stop the feelings, it only stops
their expression. When a child feels unable or unsafe to express himself fully, his feelings
accumulate until he is in a state of distress. This invariably leads to physical, behavioral
and developmental manifestations including aggression, depression, tics, compulsions,
learning difficulties, sleep disorders, and more.
Most of us enjoy and even encourage our childrens laughter, creativity, and other
pleasing ways of self-expression. However, when a child gives vent to pain, anger,
jealousy, loneliness, disappointment or grief, we are apt to stop the healthy flow of
feelings, thereby hindering his development and interfering with his emotional well-
being. The tendency to look for ways to fix the situation can distract us away from
noticing the childs need to unleash his feelings. Many small events, like a scraped knee,
a canceled visit, an insult or a disappointment, dont require solutions even if the child
reacts with tears or rage. Although we must avoid dramatizing and adding more to the
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childs response, we can calmly listen, validate, and let him be. He can then experience
himself as capable of handling emotions.
When a child has been completely heard, his capacity to recover from ordinary emotional
hurts is remarkably quick. He may need to express very little, or he may have a full-
fledged tantrum. Either way, when he has the freedom to let his feelings be known in the
ears of attentive and loving parents/adults, he can spring out of rage and tears into the
next play as though nothing happened. The mind does not have, yet, as great a grip over
the child as it does for most adults; he moves on easily, as long as we dont anchor his
emotions by stopping their expression or by adding our reactions.
In the rare case that a child does persist in expressing his upset in spite of your
supportive listening, you can assume that the present event has evoked other old, painful
memories that were not fully cared for when they occurred. He is feeling safe in your
presence and using your attention to clear old pain out of his system. He will then cry or
rage longer and your attentive listening will allow the healing to occur. Later in this
chapter you will find examples of the way a child uses an event in the present to unleash
past hurts.
Avoid planting feelings in your childs mind. Wait for him to assess his own response to
what happens. Such pronouncements as, Oh no, that hurts, before the child forms his
own response, or You must be feeling sad, before a child assesses his emotions about
the situation, do not help him. He may grab what you offer, sometimes forming an
attitude for the rest of his life. Trust your child. If he needs to express feelings, he will; if
he doesnt, he wont. It is not for you to decide or to cause his expression or the lack of it.
Whatever he does express will be authentically his. Dont teach him to feel upset if he is
able to let go and move on, and if he shares himself or cries, validate his feelings without
dramatizing. Most often children express themselves briefly and they are done; it is only
our attempt to either stop them, or dramatize their story, that lengthens the process.
As a counselor I often hear stories of childrens fast recovery. One example, in chapter
one, is the fast recovery of Orna from her upset about having to leave the pool. She felt
ready to embrace the present as soon as her mother heard and validated her experience.
When parents project their own worries, the child mirrors it back to them by clinging to
drama. Once parents learn to let the tantrum or sadness flow out freely, they observe
with amazement how the child moves on.
Tamara called me to ask how to respond to her daughter Sarahs recurring
rage. The tower falls, she cries; the banana breaks, she shrieks.
Everything is so upsetting to her.
I asked Tamara how she responds in these events.
I try to fix things quickly. I replace the banana, rebuild the tower or find
a way to compensate her, she said.
Is everything really so upsetting for your daughter? I asked.
It seems this way, Tamara said.
Yes. You see her as unable to go through these situations because you
believe your idea that she cannot handle it. But can you be sure that she
cannot handle it and that she wants you to fix things?
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No.
So when you rush to her aid, thinking that she cant handle it, what are
you feeling?
Oh I see, she said bursting out laughing. I feel unable to handle her
frustration. I am the one for whom everything is so upsetting. Everything
that happens to her is too upsetting for me. I panic. I fix everything for my
own sake.
Once Tamara realized that her reaction was about herself and not about
her child, she was able to see that her daughter was not the one needing
help. She could see that Sarah needs to experience the fallen tower if she
is to find out her own strength in the face of it; that she can cry over a
canceled visit or an irreplaceable broken banana, and if Mom doesnt
imply that its too much for her, she will pass through it powerfully and
know herself as able to feel, express and move on.
Stopping her upset is actually the reason why Sarah may be feeling
helpless, and why she explodes over every little mishap; she will use any
reason, no matter how small, to experience her own feelings fully. When
being rescued she feels helpless; her agenda is thwarted. Experiencing
herself as able to go through challenges will make her feel powerful.
The following week Tamara had a breakthrough; she told me that Sarah
was painting a picture when the jar of water spilled and destroyed it.
Sarah screamed and Tamara picked up the jar of water and was ready to
offer compensation in order to stop the upset. Then she remembered to
give attention to Sarah, and instead of pulling her out of her (safe)
predicament she listened and validated.
This was my best picture ever, Sarah yelled and threw herself on the
sofa kicking and screaming.
You want your picture dry, Tamara said and sat next to Sarah.
Yes, I want it the way it was. I almost finished it.
Are you worried that you wont be able to make another picture as nice?
Tamara asked.
I cant make another one like this. Sarah turned her screams into sobs
and Tamara offered to hold her. She refused but kept sobbing and
gradually got closer to her mother.
She cried for a couple of minutes and then was quiet. Tamara said nothing
but stayed attentive.
I could see that Sarah was thinking and she seemed calm, Tamara told
me. After a minute of contemplation Sarah got up and went to play with
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her doll. Later that day she even painted again and was excited about her
creation.
Tamara made a huge shift from trying to alter reality for Sarah, to supporting Sarahs
ability to face reality. She joined and validated her experience rather than pulling her out
of it; instead of denying her feelings with, Oh never mind, you can make another
picture, she listened and validated Sarahs likely concern. Valid feelings do not imply
real facts. Sarah will be empowered to create other pictures, not by avoiding the feeling,
but by making peace with her loss. Given the freedom to express her feelings, she moves
on at ease. Happiness is what we experience when we cherish reality, not when we
oppose it or expect to be rescued. A child learns to be content by experiencing the power
of choosing what is.
The child who experiences our peaceful presence is bound to conclude that going
through intense emotions is a part of being human. Being comfortable with his own
emotions, he develops a sense of inner peace, knowing that he need not fear challenges
and the feelings that may come with them. He learns to allow these experiences to go
through him fully and resolve situations powerfully and responsibly. It is after the storm
passes through that he can act with clarity and effectiveness.
CRYING
Humans are endowed with a great emotional capacity; to be able to manage intense
feelings we have been given the ability to cry. Children use crying naturally and we must
learn to understand their communication as well as to support their use of tears for
healing. Responding to the crying of the baby is what teaches him that he has power over
his own life; that he can trust us and that he is important. As the baby grows into a
toddler and a child, he uses words and gestures as well as tears.
Many parents have a hard time distinguishing emotional expressions in babies. Indeed,
most of the time, a babys cry is a communication about needs that have to be met.
However, even for babies, there are times when the actual need is to cry.
In one of my parenting classes the question of crying babies came up.
Teresa was beside herself with frustration about her babys inconsolable
crying.
I do everything to soothe him: I nurse him, I rock him, I play with him
and make noises, I run the water and give him a bath...But, when the
evening comes he just cries and screams like a wounded soul and nothing
calms him.
After the session about this subject, Teresa decided to try and validate her
babys feelings.
First I tried all my tricks to soothe him, from the breast to the merry-go-
round. Then I sat down with him in my arms and ceased all attempts to
stop his crying.
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I did the Self-investigation about what was driving me and I realized that
I was the one needing soothing because I told myself that my babys
crying meant that I am a bad mother and that something is wrong.
When he takes short breaks I usually hope that he is done crying but then
he resumes his wails. This time, when he took his first break, I said, Yes, I
know, I know. I didnt rock him. I didnt give him any hint that I expected
him to stop crying and he went on. Every time he was silent I said
something validating.
Was his crying time any shorter? asked another parent. (This parent
was still looking for ways to stop the babys crying.)
No, she said. On the contrary, once I let go of needing him to be happy,
he cried more than usual using my approval to its fullest. But, when he
was done, instead of falling asleep exhausted, he was awake, alert and
happy. Later, when he did go to sleep, he did not cry and he woke up only
once during the night and not the usual five to seven times.
Nate went on with his evening crying in his mothers loving arms for a
couple of weeks. The periods of evening crying became gradually shorter
until they ceased.
It is imperative to respond to a babys cues. His cries are his communication. After all his
needs are met, when no physical discomfort or illness is present, and the baby is clearly
not in need of something, we must respond to his need to cry. He might be crying
because we are not getting what it is that he needs; still, if we have no clue, then he is left
with frustration about which he needs to cry. We may guess what he feels as long as we
realize that it is always a guess based on a projection of our own perception. Is he crying
about the helplessness of being a baby? Missing the comfort of the womb? Wishing to
speak to us and finding his tongue tied? Maybe he remembers the big face that hovered
over him earlier and scared him...and so on.
When the need of the baby is unknown to us, we must validate his choice to feel the way
he feels, let him know that his choice to wail is right, and that while he cries we are on his
side, connected with love, affection and understanding. Always hold your crying baby.
Your inability to know why he cries does not change his need to be held at all times, and
particularly when he is in distress. He must be successful in connecting with you and in
getting you to act on his behalf or give him your full attention. The more a child succeeds
in generating your care, the more he will find calm ways to communicate. Why have a fit
if just a small cue or a word can get him the attention to his need?
When your baby is held on your body consistently, he is unlikely to cry for basic physical
needs. Instead, he gives you subtle cues and you respond promptly so he has no need to
use crying to communicate. Babies who are carried in arms and slept with rarely cry to
alert you for a simple need. If a baby who is cared for in this manner cries, and he is not
sick or injured, most likely he needs to cry.
As they grow up, children gradually use more words instead of cues or crying. However,
they keep using tears to express physical and emotional pain for the rest of their lives.
While adults can express pain that is not severe with words alone, children use tears
easily and effectively.
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As the child gets older, you will be able to know exactly what causes his hurt and so you
will be able to validate his feelings with more accuracy. For example, you might say to a
child who is crying because his plan is cancelled, You waited so long to go to the park
and it started to rain. Hold him while he cries until he is done and he lets you know that
he is ready to move on. If he pushes you away, stay close, attentive and available.
Sometimes parents tell me that they want the child to be so happy that he has no need to
cry. However, in our effort to raise children who dont cry, we may be denying a need
that is as basic as love, food and air. Like a river that was dammed, these tears will find
other outlets through aggression, tics, sleep, food disorders and other difficulties. Tears
are here to stay and so we will benefit from embracing them rather than suppressing
them. Powerful people are not those whose life flows with no pain, but those who have
the strength to move through pain and come out richer on the other side.
The following example from my counseling work demonstrates the healing power of
tears even for serious symptoms.
Seven-year-old Tony started hitting his older sister almost every day. His
parents reported that in addition to his aggression, his usual cheerful
spirit had been replaced with impatience and anger. They tried to meet
Tonys need for more attention and to control his aggression by restricting
and scolding. As a result, Tony reduced the hitting but started chewing his
shirt and blinking his eyes uncontrollably.
When I asked Tonys parents if he shows feelings of sadness, fear, or if he
cries, they realized that he has not shed tears in a long time. At the next
session Tonys sister, Becky, said: Tonys best friend made fun of him
when he cried.
What does he do when he feels hurt? I asked her.
Becky thought for a moment and then said: Oh, thats when he blinks his
eyes to stop the tears.
I then played the game Truth or Dare with Tony. When truth was his
choice I asked, Do you sometimes feel sad when you dont get what you
want?
Being true to the game he responded positively.
And do you try to hold your tears in, so no one would know? I added.
Yes, he said and nodded.
I understand, I said. Did you know that holding tears inside is like not
going to the bathroom when you need to?
Tony pondered over this startling statement. Really? he asked looking at
me with his huge brown eyes. What happens if you dont go to the
bathroom?
Tony hurried to answer his own inquiry, Well, you cant.
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Yes, I said. You cant, so that your body will stay healthy.
Will my tears make me ill when I hold them?
No, I said (although it could). You cant stop them either. It only makes
your feelings find a different way out.
How?
How do your tears find a way out? What is it you do that you cant
control?
Oh, you mean being angry and blinking my eyes?
Yes, those are some of your ways.
Gee, I will cry from now on. Thats better. I hate blinking my eyes.
Tonys parents reported that the next day Tony was disappointed with a
gift he received and, with his mothers validation, sobbed in her arms for
about fifteen minutes. The blinking has disappeared. Tonys parents
found ways to empower his need for physical expression by enrolling him
in a Karate class, which he loved. The shirt-chewing lasted a while longer
and then vanished as well. Although Tony still had a tendency to use his
body to express anger, this became rare. His parents validation and trust
made it safe for him to feel and to be vulnerable. It was now easier to
connect with him and he could express himself and cry when he needed
to.
A childs symptoms or new variations of old ones can recur any time he is holding in his
tears and feelings. When we know a child well, we can read his personal signals and
make it safe for him to let out the accumulated anxiety.
We aim at preventing the accumulation of suppressed emotions; yet, often we see things
clearly only after things get out of hand. This is part of our humanity, which a child is
destined to live with. Therefore, when you find that you have been blind to a need of your
child for a while, realize that this is often the normal course of events and move
peacefully toward the next step of meeting the need and unleashing the sadness for both
your child and yourself.
SEPARATION ANXIETY AND THE NEED TO CRY
At times, the notion of releasing pain through tears can be taken too far. When a friend
once asked me why I was taking my toddler with me on a speaking engagement, I replied
that if I left him, he would feel scared and desperate (in addition to needing to nurse). I
should go anyway, my friend protested, since his father would be with him to validate his
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feelings and it would be good for him to cry, thereby releasing past hurts over
abandonment.
My child had no past abandonment to cry about and I was not about to give him such an
experience. Consequently, I took my son with me on the speaking engagement and on
future trips as long as he needed. When he was ready to let me go, there were no tears;
he initiated the separation and was peaceful about being apart from me. Trusting that all
my childs emotional expressions represent real and urgent needs for closeness and
safety, I simply fulfill them. Even if we know about a past pain that could use healing, as
my friend suggested, there is no purpose in staging opportunities for a child to cry. If she
feels safe to express herself, she will create the circumstances in which to vent old hurts.
Later in this chapter you will find an example of a child processing past hurts.
When circumstances make separation unavoidable (hospitalization or other calamities),
then, and only then, being unable to avoid the separation, we give supportive attention to
the childs fears and tears; we validate and empower the child in the face of lifes painful
circumstances, but we dont manufacture those events. In other words, offer validation
to the crying child, but dont cause his tears.
When separation is unavoidable, our task is not to distract the child from her feelings,
but rather to validate her experience so she can cry fully and recognize the validity of her
experience. Likewise, upon returning from being away and facing a furious child, you
need not attempt to stop her expression or to offer her a gift to placate her; you need only
validate, show her you care and express your own longing and love, mostly just hold and
listen. Your child will recover from the agony of separation by crying, and/or by
expressing her fears and frustrations with your validating attention and love. Your
unwavering support will pass on to her the message that she is perfectly capable of going
through this experience.
PREVENTING LYING, HIDING, AND OTHER FEAR-BASED BEHAVIORS
To prevent or stop a childs habit of hiding, lying, or acting in other defensive ways, we
must dissolve the fear that triggers those expressions. Freed of the fear, the child will feel
comfortable to be open and honest. At times, try as you might to create such a safe
environment, your child may still feel intimidated simply because he is a child. Be
sensitive and respectful; avoid pushing him beyond his natural limits and dont prove
that he lied. If he hides the truth, you know he is feeling unsafe. Your goal is to alleviate
the cause of his fear. In a phone session Matthew shared with me about a time when he
succeeded to provide such safety for his daughter.
When Matthew entered the living room he found six-year-old Adia trying
to put together a broken vase. She seemed nervous.
It fell by itself, Adia said without looking up.
Matthew pondered what to say. It was a beautiful vase they had received
on their wedding day from a dear friend. Feeling confused he bent down
and started helping his daughter in her impossible mission.
After a minute or so he said, I dont think we can put it together.
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Adia stopped and burst out crying. Realizing that she was afraid to tell the
truth Matthew reassured her, This could happen to anyone. The other
day I broke a lens of a camera.
Adia looked at her father. Feeling partially relieved she said, I didnt
know that the plant was so close to it. I pushed it aside to make room for
my doll.
Oh, I see, and then the vase fell off the shelf, Matthew said calmly and
added, Were you afraid that I would be angry at you like I was the other
day?
Adia nodded.
I wish I wasnt angry then and I am not angry now. It was a nice vase but
I love you more. I want you to feel safe to tell me what happened.
Dad,
Yes, Adia,
Lets get the broom.
Matthew treated Adia the way most people would treat a guest who broke a valuable item
by accident. Knowing that such an event leaves a person with feelings of guilt and
embarrassment, we tend to do what we can to help him feel free of guilt. Matthew took
full responsibility for being the cause of Adias need to lie. No lessons and no words can
convey the value of truth better. Acts of kindness teach honesty and create the conditions
that allow truth to manifest.
Naturally, you wont always be able to maintain a sense of complete safety. When you
catch yourself intimidating your child, acknowledge your error and validate the childs
feelings so you can recreate trust between the two of you. With time and practice, being
sensitive to your child will become effortless and consistent.
The following are guiding ideas that will enhance your childs sense of safety and build
trust in your relationship with him:
Avoid evaluating your child (or others in his presence) with praise or criticism.
Needing to please you and live up to expectations is a great source of anxiety for
children.
Speak kindly and respectfully to your child both in public and in private.
Preaching, scolding, interrupting, blaming, testing, or judging are unkind ways to
treat anyone, child or adult, and lead to fear, shame and distrust. Express love,
appreciation, and care for him with joy.
Avoid comparing your child with anyone. Comparison is an evaluation, which
creates fear and tension. When the comparison is in his favor, the child will fear
the loss of your approval next time, and when the comparison favors another, he
will feel hurt as well as resentful toward the other child and toward you.
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Be kind to your spouse, friends and relatives. When observing unkind
relationships, the child fears he will be treated in the same way. In addition, keep
in mind that children emulate our ways.
Encourage all the emotional expressions of children and respond with listening,
validation and kindness.
Respect a childs safe decisions and choices. When you counter his choices,
disregard his decision, or impose your choices, self-doubt and insecurity result.
Instead, start by saying, Yes, so you are forced to find a supportive response.
Yes, you want to tear books. Here are some magazines you can tear, or Yes, you
love to play with the plastic bag on your head. Here is a paper bag. It is safe and, if
you want, I can make holes for your eyes to see. Even when there is no way to
support a childs action say yes to his intent, Yes, I can see that you love to annoy
your sister. Would you like to tell me about it?
Avoid controlling or suppressing natural childlike behaviors. Noise, giggles,
messes, exuberance, and endless curiosity are natural and are needed for growth.
Refuse to resort to punishments, time-outs, consequences, bribes and threats. No
matter what name we give these strategies, no matter how gently they are applied
or how well-intended they may be, their purpose is to control childrens behavior.
Therefore, they induce fear and get in the way of trust between parent and child
and lead to the behaviors they intend to prevent.
THE PRICE OF CONTROLLING A CHILD
Although some parents claim that methods of control provide a structure that
encourages youngsters to behave well and even seem content, keep in mind that
seemingly peaceful, cooperative and happy children may not actually be feeling serenity
and joy but may instead be striving to please or live up to expectations. Beneath their
actions, they may be afraid to express themselves. When they comply and behave in
pleasing ways, these children are only happy to please their parents, not happy to be
doing what they are doing (helping, sharing, studying). This apparent happiness makes
it hard for parents to notice the shriveling of the childs authentic way of being.
For example, a mother said to me, When I send my daughter to her room or when I
spank her, she calms down and seems to do better. The question is better for whom?
The child who complies out of fear is not doing better but worse. She has given up on her
own direction in favor of keeping herself safe and for satisfying her parents.
No matter how gently or cooperatively one establishes punishments, time-outs, or
consequences, each method incurs a cost one we are often unaware of until,
sometimes years later, the child demonstrates a lack of authenticity or assertiveness,
depression, addictions, violence or self-destructive behavior. A child cannot experience
the parents love while being controlled by him/her. Instead, she becomes dependent yet
isolated, and will later need to control others in passive or active ways.
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Assertiveness (sometimes interpreted as defiance) is a demonstration of will and
therefore of emotional strength. The giving up of the will by the obedient child is a
demonstration of fear and of emotional handicap. As the Russian educator L.S. Vygotsky
writes, People with great passions, people who accomplish great deeds, people who
possess strong feelings, people with great minds and a strong personality, rarely come
out of good little boys and girls.
Gentle ways of controlling fool both the parent and the child. A child who cooperates
with consequences, time-out or any variation of such measures with ease or even smiles,
is too insecure to voice her hurt and often out of touch with her own feelings. She must
believe that her parents are doing the right thing and so she concludes that her sense of
wrongness is a mistake not to be trusted.
Even what some parents call natural consequences is mostly parent-imposed and
therefore causes the same harm and mistrust as punishment. If it is natural, it occurs on
its own. For example, a father told me that the natural consequence of his son not
finishing his chores, is that he will not go to his friends house, as he now must stay home
and do his chores. However, if a child was expected to wash dishes and didnt, the only
natural consequence is that the dishes are dirty. Canceling his play date is a punishment
imposed by the parent against the childs will. The child will fear such punishment like
any other. To test the validity of this observation ask yourself how you would feel if your
spouse told you that since you didnt mow the lawn like you planned, you now must do it
and skip your yoga class.
You may choose to skip yoga, and the child who neglected the dishes may choose, after
you express your feelings, to wash the dishes before going over to his friends; however,
such choices must come from respectful communication of the people involved and
based on their authentic preferences. You can kindly offer to wash the dishes, or find
some other considerate solution. You can also find out why the chore wasnt done as you
may discover some need for change in the work loads and expectations. It is the
controlling aspect that creates disconnection and fear, not the actual decision and
solution. When you offer to help, the child learns to offer help unconditionally. The fear
that he will take advantage of you, as mentioned in the chapter on love, hampers your
freedom to be generous and passes that fear on to your child.
When controlled, human beings feel humiliated and isolated. When gentle coercive ways
are applied, the child is only confused and may think that her sense of humiliation is
inadequate and should be suppressed, My parents are so nice, how come I feel so bad?
Something must be wrong with me. In response, the parent is fooled by the childs
compliance and believes that the control is benefiting the child while she is actually
feeling hurt and confused.
In our most desperate moments we need to recall that fear-inducing disciplinary
measures lead to fear-based compliance, not to thriving children. Since what we are
striving for can be achieved with dignity, there is no need to fall back on old methods
that hurt the child, violate his autonomy and damage your relationship with him. When
your child feels safe to be himself, he will act with competence, not in order to please you
but because he wants to succeed, and he will be considerate and kind not because he
fears you but because he loves you.
www.aldort.com
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John W. Travis
Meryn Callander
John W. Travis
I began my career by becoming a doctor like my daddy--hoping it would bring the
feelings of love and approval that I didn't experience in my childhood. I have struggled
on and off with depression much of my life, and continue to struggle to find ways of
compensating for not having bonded with my mother.
Working within the sick-care system, I felt like a round peg trying to fit into a square
hole. After my medical training in Boston, which was completed with a residency in
General Preventive Medicine at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, I headed to California to
start the nation's first wellness center (1975, Mill Valley). There, I developed the first
Wellness Inventory (1975); and over the years, co-authored the Wellness Workbook,
Simply Well: Choices for a Healthy Life, Wellness for Helping Professionals, and A
Change of Heart: A Global Wellness Inventory. Most recently, an online version of the
Wellness Inventory was developed at WellPeople.com.
In 1979 I met and married Meryn Callander and together we began working with helping
professionals in learning how to create partnership and cooperative relationships within
the prevailing medical systems culture of estrangement and domination. After reading
The Continuum Concept in the early '90s, it became clear to me where much of our
present feeling of estrangement originateswith contemporary parenting practices of
the West, like by being put in a crib or other separating device. Then, I discovered some
of the science behind this phenomenon of disconnection--James Prescott's Somato-
Sensory Affectional Deprivation (S-SAD) Syndrome, and the depression, addiction, and
violence that result from it. I then wanted to learn how to apply this wisdom in the
Western worlda desire that launched me onto a new dimension of wellness.
Coincidentally, we moved to Virginia within 5 miles of Joseph Chilton Pearce, whos
Magical Child I had only recently re-discovered. He became a friend and mentor and
greatly assisted in my new career.
This launched with my work with the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services
(CIMS), who created the Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative, and demonstrated clearly
the power of a coalition of organizations speaking with one voice. In the late 90s, using
CIMS as a model, along with Meryn and Suzanne Arms (who launched the natural birth
movement in the US with her award-wining 1975 book, Immaculate Deception), and 11
other world experts on birth and child development, I catalyzed a meeting that led to the
formation of the Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children (aTLC). This work is
driven by my desire to prevent babies from being subjected to the kind of normative
Copyright John W. Travis
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abuse I grew up in, and then, in part, unwittingly inflicted on my first daughter in the
early 70s.
In 1993, concurrent with the first stirrings of this career move to infant wellness, Meryn
and I were joined by a brown-eyed, redheaded bundle of energy who was consciously
conceived and born at home, underwater, on our 40-acre solar-powered homestead in
remote northern California. Siena has proven to be my ultimate wellness teacher by
reflecting back not only the beauty of the human spirit when it is subjected to a
minimum of interference with its natural developmental needs (not an easy task in this
culture), but also many of my unresolved shadow issues.
Meryn and I now share much of what we've learned through aTLC, and Meryns The
Wellspring Online, a learning resource center we are developing for children and
parents, ages "minus 9 months" to 100+ years. We also continue the work of Wellness
Associates, a non-profit educational corporation dedicated to personal and planetary
wellbeing. Currently we are transforming an article Why Men Leave to book length.
In mid-2000, after 21 years living in Northern California, Costa Rica, and Virginia, we
moved to Meryn's homeland, Australia. We are now living in Mullumbimby near Byron
Bay, in northern New South Wales, a progressive environment populated with colleagues
such as Kali Wendorf, founder of byronchild magazine (now Kindred).
I believe our gifts come out of our wounds, and I am deeply committed to creating a
world where children can be raised within the paradigm of cooperation and partnership-
-something I still strive to experience myself on a daily basis.
Copyright John W. Travis
Meryn Callander
My work with the Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children (aTLC) is born of my
experience, at age forty-one, of becoming mother. An ex-social worker from Australia, I
had been living in the US for 12 years, writing and facilitating seminars with my
husband, John Travis, on healing the estrangement that is normative in the Western
world, when we discovered Jean Liedloff's, The Continuum Concept. This book radically
impacted the way we perceived and tended to she-who-was-to-become-our child and
indeed, all children.
Liedloff's experiences with the native people of the rainforests of Venezuela left me with
a burning need to question the prevailing assumptions about the nature of humankind,
and "popular" childcare practices. My review of the research--both scientific and cross-
cultural--supported her assertions. In 1996, distressed by the sparse information and
minimal support for the style of parenting Liedloff advocated, best known today as
continuum or attachment parenting, I began publishing The Wellspring Guide, a
quarterly review and synopsis of informative and supportive books. In 2000, we moved
the Guide from paper onto the World Wide Web as the Wellspring Online. Charged by all
we were learning, and our new-found knowledge that so many popular parenting
Copyright Meryn Callander
60
practices were detrimental to the wellbeing of children and parents alike, I joined Jack
and a small number of passionate activists in founding aTLC.
Siena, was born in 1993 at home on 40 rural acres in Mendocino County, California. We
were 40 minutes from the nearest hospital. She was born underwater with only my
husband Jack, and a midwife in attendance. She is now an energetic, healthy, creative
delight (almost always) with her curly red hair, brown eyes, and a load of freckles.
We had determined to raise our daughter, as much as possible, guided by continuum
principles. As an infant, Siena was rarely out-of-arms. We carried her in a sling much of
the time, and slept with her every night. She was exclusively breastfed for nearly a year,
and continued to nurse until her 7th year. Jack and I both work at home, so we had no
need for "child-care." Until she was eight or so, she had virtually no exposure to the
popular media (living off grid and in a likeminded community helps!).
We were greatly aided in her care by my then 77-year-old mother. We were immensely
grateful for the extra arms and grandmotherly presence Siena was blessed with through
this time. Two friends and their young one joined us on the land, and soon afterwards,
my sister. This was as near we got to approximating a village.
When Siena was four, we moved to an intentional community on 500 acres of land in
rural Virginia. From ages four to seven, Siena had the advantage of living in a cluster of
four family homes, all with children her age. The kids moved freely between each other's
homes with minimal supervision. Here, we initiated a small homeschooling group,
sharing school days among ourselves, so we each had the children a day or two a week.
When in 2000, we moved to Australia, we continued homeschooling. Moving from
Victoria to northern New South Wales in 2005, we were delighted that she was accepted
at the local Steiner/Waldorf school where she is to this day. We love the attention to the
whole child. The move to Australia had been fueled, in part, by our concern at the levels
of materialism, drug abuse, violence, and media addiction, etc., in the US. As Joseph
Chilton Pearce, our neighbor and colleague in Virginia, pointed out in The Biology of
Transcendence enculturation is one of the most insidious and omnipresent forces
shaping young livesbefore they are able to make intelligent decisions on their own. So
where we choose to live and the environment she grows in is very important to us.
I feel extremely privileged in many ways-such as having such a wise and witty bunch as is
my aTLC family, supporting me in raising my daughter according to the principles of
both ancient wisdom and scientific knowledge; and to live in a stunningly beautiful rural
area where our parentingand other valuesare shared by many others. While (oh
dear), this sure doesnt make either of us perfectthat would take a village!! I feel
privileged to at least have my eyes and heart opened as we venture on this journey
together. I pray that we use this privilege well.
Copyright Meryn Callander
61
Why Men Leave: The Epidemic of Disappearing
Dads
by John W. Travis, MD, MPH
Assertion: Modern culture is in the midst of a hidden epidemic of fathers
leaving their familiesusually around the time when the first child is born.
Why do so many fathers leave their families shortly after their first child is born?
Men leave their families in a multitude of ways. Even if they remain in the home, many
fathers are often emotionally absentthrough depression, workaholism,
violence/aggression, physical or emotional abuse, or a retreat into addiction to
substances, media, consumer goods, sports, food, or sex.
Most men in the developed nations today never bonded (or very poorly bonded) with
their mothers. Most people dont even notice how disconnected modern people are from
each other, compared to cultures where the bond is still intact. Yes, we talk of alienation
and notice how much people in Mediterranean cultures touch each other, but we make
no connection between these phenomena and how our bonds among people, with nature,
and with the divine have been torn asunder. I propose that this unnoticed, silent
epidemic of disconnection/alienation is the source of most societal ills. Fathers leaving
their children and their families is only the tip of an iceberg.
As infants, most men in our culture have been bottle-fed and subjected to other
culturally-endorsed patterns of normative abuse, such as sleeping alone or being left
alone to cry when their needs werent met. Biologically, the male is the more fragile
gender of our species and developmentally lags years behind femaleswell into
adulthood. Instead of getting the extra nurturing needed to compensate for being the
weaker sex, by age five, males in almost all cultures get far less nurturing than females.
Its no surprise, then, that most of the unbonded boys in our culture grow into men who
spend a good deal of their time unconsciously seeking (and fueled by advertising that
prominently features the breasts they were denied) a mommy-figure to provide them
with the nurturing they were denied as infants/children. Part of their survival
mechanism is to learn to deny their feelings and project their unmet needs for nurturing
onto substitutes, such as women, and other externals, the most common of which are
consumerism, workaholism, and substance addictions.
It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a community to keep the
parents sane. Sobonfu Som
We unbonded men may manage pretty well in our marriages for a while, but when our
mommy gives birth and suddenly turns her focus toward her newborn, we usually lose
much of the nurturance we were getting from our partners. This is almost inevitable,
given the state of disconnection predominant (but taken for granted) in our culture.
The northern European cultures, in the name of civilization and progress, have been
gradually destroying the tribe/village/extended family/community for hundreds of
yearsreplacing it with what has become the nuclear family disaster (NFD).
2004 by John W. Travis, MD, MPH
62
The NFD stems from a northern European aberration in how humans organize their
living arrangement, beginning with the 16th century Enclosure of the common lands.
These lands were confiscated by the emerging upper class, who then spread their control
rapidly to every continent but Antarctica, first via missionaries and territorial conquest,
and now via the media and multinational corporations.
The NFD has been gaining ground for hundreds of years, but rapidly accelerated because
of the mass migration into cities early in the last century, and then in turn, NFD melted
down into the single parent trap (SPT).
This experiment in isolation and alienation, promoted in the name of progress has
immense consequences, most obviously the overwhelming pressures on parents,
particularly women, who usually end up bearing the total responsibility of their children.
Mothers cannot begin to get their basic adult needs for nurturance and support met,
unless they are one of the rare few living in a tribe, close-knit community, or extended
family.
At the same time, a fathers sudden exposure to an infant who has not yet been fully
trained in the denial of her own needs, and is suckling at the breast, being lovingly held
in arms, constantly in the presence of her caregiver, etc. and readily expresses her needs,
can be devastating. It will often stir up his suppressed memories of his denied needs as
an infant and plunge him into deep painconscious or subconscious.
With the resulting increase in pain levels, new fathers often step up their
adopted/chosen means of defending against their feelingsbe it via medication, having
affairs, rage, depression, addiction, or violence (physical or emotional). This is the first
level at which men leave. When or if the defense mechanism fails, because the real need
is not addressed, many think the only thing they can do is to depart from the stimulus
and leave their homes.
Girls in our culture also get far less nurturing than is required to optimize their wellbeing
and fully meet their needs, and as a result often suffer a similar experience of failed
bonding. They have the opportunity, however, of recreating the experience of a secure
bond through their unique ability to bond biologically with the fetus in pregnancy. If they
are able to preserve that bond by resisting the cultural norms and raising a securely
attached child, they are often able to heal much of their own unbondedness, but the
fathers witnessing this may simultaneously exacerbate the restimulation of his own
primal wounds, trigger his defenses, and increase the likeliness of his leaving.
Since depression was my defense mechanism of choice, I understand that coping
mechanism better than the others, but I believe the process Im describing explains
equally well why the other defense mechanisms, such as addiction and
violence/aggression, similarly perpetuate broken bonds and the passing on of our
trauma to another generation.
Sourcing the Pain
I was born in the farmlands of northwestern Ohio in 1943. Like most babies born in
those days, I was drugged (via my mothers general anesthetic, which took weeks to wear
off), dragged out of my mothers womb with cold, metal forceps, grasped by sticky rubber
gloves, and plunged into bright lightsinstead of being gently greeted with warm hands
63
in subdued light. I was doubtless held upside down to drain my lungs (Im not sure if I
was slapped or not, but that was the norm of the day). Stinging silver nitrate was put in
my eyes. I was wrapped in cold, scratchy fabrics instead of being allowed to mold my
skin against the warm skin of the person with whom Id been intimately connected for
nine months. A little while later, I was taken to the nursery where I was placed in a
plastic box beside Carol D., born earlier that day. I spent my next 10 days there (the
norm for the early 40s). I was given a cold, rubber nipple with a bottle of a fatty,
antigenic substance instead of the miracle food that three million years of evolution had
prepared for me.
Then, a day or so later, I was immobilized on a board and, without painkillers, the
majority of the most sensitive nerve endings of my penis were amputated. Then followed
the standard normative abuse parenting practices of the 1940s:
1) artificial baby milkprobably Carnation or Pet Evaporated Milk,
2) a four-hour bottle schedule (I got hungry every three hours and cried that last hour,
until I learned it was no use and made a decision about the world that is so basic to my
brains neural organization that it still impacts almost everything I doAsking for what
I want doesnt workmy needs will never be met.),
3) restraint in a crib or playpen,
4) deprivation of the continual movement of being carried in-arms,
5) sleeping alone in a separate room.
Most of these improvements were devised by men propagating, in the name of
modern child rearing practices, untested scientific ideas, all of which have since been
proven to be destructive to human bonding. I dont blame my or other parents of that
age: they naturally followed the cultural winds, and the promise of science and
technology to cure the worlds ills was, in 1943, still an untarnished vision.
From the very beginning, I used depression as my primary defense against the
recognition of my apparent inability to get my nurturing needs met. While my primary
defense appears outwardly as depressionclosing down my senses and feelings by
withdrawing into my headits just one of a standard set of defenses that unbonded
children/adults cling to in their attempts to escape the pain of the early needs
deprivation that still eats away at them. Other defenses include addiction, violence,
chronic illness, and ecocide (destruction of the environment)symptoms of what James
Prescott named Somato-Sensory Affectional Deprivation Syndrome (SSADS) in his early
bonding research.
I created a safe world of my own in my head that allowed me a sense of control (since I
had no control over being fed, touched, or moved). The fact that I was disconnected from
the matrix of my life by being isolated from others, most especially my mother, limited
my ability to express my needs and get them methence the periodic depressions. No
one recognized my depressions, including me, until I was in collegepeople just thought
I was quiet.
64
My condition is not atypical of most men alive today who were raised by modern
cultural standards. One friend, though raised in California, was fortunate in that his
mother was from South America. He was breastfed well past age two and has always
seemed happier than any other person I know.
My Stroke Supply
Having never experienced a nurturing mother, Ive subsequently spent most of my life
looking for a replacement.
I thought getting married and becoming a doctor would somehow fulfill me, so at age
five I blindly set on a course of 22 years of school that would handle the latter, and
assumed somehow the right girl would magically appear about the time I became a
doctor. Although I had few social skills, I wasnt deterred in my belief that she would
appear.
Much to my surprise, marriage midway through medical school didnt suddenly make
my life better, just more complicated. My feelings of emptiness got worse as my
depressions deepened. After three years of marriage and several crises, my wife said we
had to have a baby or split. I thought I had to comply, since divorce wasnt an option in
my family. Reluctantly, in 1972, I became a father.
It was great at first, the excitement of a new being, but then the reality hitI was a lot
lower on my wifes attention list. I began to get more and more depressed, leading
eventually to our getting into therapy. There I learned I actually had feelings, and could
express them, though with great difficultyeven to this day. We began learning about
the unconscious patterns wed been playing out in our symbiotic marriage, but seemed
relatively powerless to change them. However, my experience with this reparenting
therapy group became the basis for my pioneering work in wellness and, later, my
observation that failed bonding/attachment is the primary impediment to wellbeing and
fulfillment as an adult.
Despite learning a great deal about my inner workings, I still was depressed most of the
time. When our daughter was two and a half, the pain became so great that I realized I
had to leave in order to keep my own sanity. I was sometimes close to being suicidal. So I
abandoned my first daughter, with whom I had never really bonded clearly out of my
own inexperience with this natural phenomenon.
The cycle began again with another intense, three-year relationship. I was still
unconsciously seeking the mommy I never had, and while I reveled in the attention I
received, it wasnt enough, and my new partner felt drained by my neediness. It was
around this time that I first heard of the book Magical Child and author Joseph Chilton
Pearces efforts to reframe childrens needs for the breast, constant presence of the
mother, etc., as legitimate nurturing needs rather than mere indulgences apt to spoil
a child. But I didnt think it had any applicability to me, and subconsciously I didnt want
to stir up my painful childhood well-repressed recollections. I tried to learn to love
myself and follow the tenets of self-responsibility I was helping to promote at the time,
all the while struggling with my chronic depression. I was only marginally successful.
Deep down, something always felt wrong.
65
A year later I met and fell in love with an Australian, Meryn Callander. As our love
blossomed, we were often challenged in our new-forming relationship, but we managed,
and a year later, married. Meryn and I also began to work together professionally, first
with authoring books, and then creating authentic community, especially for helping
professionals who are often lonely and unable to connect with peers on an emotional
level. It was through Meryns studies of feminist spirituality that I became aware of the
estrangement rampant throughout western culture leading to the authoritarian
institutions that surround us, like medicine, law, and the educational system. I had been
struggling with aspects of this phenomenon in my work with our Wellness Resource
Center the previous seven years, but had no understanding of the bigger picture.
I thought I was gradually overcoming my depressions through continued work on myself
in growth-oriented seminars I both led and participated in. Friends who had known me a
long time could see a differenceyears of hard work on painful issues were paying off.
One of the things that fed me the most was lying in bed at night in Meryns arms, usually
watching TV, and having my head, chest, or tummy stroked. We spent an hour several
nights a week, doing that before going to sleep, and 15 minutes or so in the morning,
alternating who would cradle whom. Unlike the common male stereotype of always
thinking about sex and wanting more, what I mainly wanted was nurturing attention
from a mother figure, though I was only dimly aware of this. I would sometimes think
something must be wrong with me for not being more sexually interested. Being held
and stroked was the lifeline that kept me going, though I didnt fully get how desperate
this need was until I lost most of it.
Taking the Plunge Again
Like most of our friends at the time, Meryn and I assumed we would not have children
together, but after 10 years, in her late 30s, Meryns biological alarm went off. I couldnt
imagine reopening the painful experience of being a father again. At the urging of a
friend, I read Jean Liedloffs The Continuum Concept. I suddenly saw the estrangement
that wed been studying was not innate to the human condition, but a direct result of
how we isolate babies and young children. Personally, I could also see how the old
wounds I thought I had handled in therapy were still there. I also thought I might make
up for my greatest failure in life (being a father) and get it right this time with a new
approach.
Until then, I had lived a pressured life of deadlines (self-imposed) using adrenalin to
make myself accomplish things, always feeling like some unknown but dreaded thing
was gaining on me if I didnt have something concrete to show myself at the end of each
day. I gave lip service to focusing on love and relationships as my highest values, but I
was driven by the need to do something to earn my keep. This is still far truer than I
would like, but in my better moments I think Ive made significant progress.
For four years, early in our relationship, Meryn and I lived a life of voluntary simplicity
in the mountains of Costa Rica. When we then returned to the United States, we both
longed to return to that simpler life. Along with our decision to have a child, we sold our
big house, cut back on the seminars that wed been facilitating, and bought 40 acres in a
remote part of Mendocino County, California, seven miles past the end of the power
lines.
66
We became homesteaders. I set about turning an unfinished cabin into a solar-powered
home. We read and wrote intensely on attachment parenting. We prepared to give birth
to our daughter at home with a midwife, complete with a warm water pool provided by a
friend.
The birth went well, and while I thought I was now better prepared for becoming a
father, I had no idea of the depth of pain and envy that would be opened up from
constantly being with someone who knew what her needs were, expressed these needs,
and got the nurturing every infant needs and thrives on.
And, as I should have expected, Sienas arrival supplanted much of my nurturance, but I
kept busy, as I had not yet finished the construction of our new solar powered cabin on
40 remote acres of rural northern California.
Within a week of her birth, we realized that the in-arms attachment parenting we were
attempting was designed for an extended family, not for our NFD. Bringing Meryns
mum over from Australia to live with us helped, but it often seemed we still had an arms
shortagegiven our commitment to Siena being constantly in arms in those first
months.
While we provided her with a degree of physical nurturance unknown to most children in
the West today, and she blossomed from it, our relationship got more and more strained.
I went deeper into depressions, alternating with periods of hyperactivity to keep us afloat
financially and make up for the downtime of my crashes. It was unsustainable.
I tried to meet my own needs on a number of fronts: building, mens groups, therapy,
and spending time in natureall to no avail.
It was only after a year of soul-searching, moving across the country to Virginia in 1996,
and finding an intentional community that appeared to fulfill many of the ideals for
which wed searched during the previous 20 years, that I found some peace with my
process and began to write about it.
Despite half a lifetime of therapy and personal growth work, I still struggle with my
barely suppressed rage, which usually shows up as depression, a chronic clenching of my
jaw, and a knot in my stomach.
Even now, over eleven years since my second daughters arrival, I am struck by the
contrast between witnessing her needs being expressed and fully met, and how most of
us were treated. Siena was never left alone. For most of the first nine months, when she
was not in Meryns or Meryns mothers arms, she was in mine. And I spent over 1000
nights lying in the bed near her while she nursed.
All of this gave me a new awareness of my own subjugated oral needs around which Ive
spent my whole life and career trying to compensate.
While being with my daughter still sometimes activates deep and painful places in me, I
see her as a spiritual teacher, challenging me to continually deal with the years of walled-
in pain that keep me disconnected from the family/tribe/planet that is my birthright.
67
Conclusions
My personal journey reveals just one of the many ways that failed bonding can show up
in a family dynamic. Fortunately, its within our wounds that our gifts may be revealed.
Certainly my work in wellness has been strongly influenced by my pain, and without
seeing this in the larger perspective of a personal journey, I think Id have just gotten lost
in the suffering. If you have not found the gift in your own wounding, please keep
looking. I believe it is there.
A word of caution: after observing myself and others who have worked with these issues
for over half of our adult lives, I am no longer certain that the childhood wounds of not
having a secure bond (or what Liedloff describes as feeling worthy and welcome)now
popularized by euphemism: low self-esteemcan be healed beyond the fast temporary
relief of the latest breakthrough therapy or confusing a newfound awareness of some
aspect of the problem with a resolution of it. Regardless, I do know that we can learn to
better manage our pain and be less controlled by it, and a more realistic goal of
management can relieve a lot of the shame that often results from peoples feeling
powerless to break free of these hardwired brain circuits of fear, anger, and depression.
Depression is currently one of the largest public health problems in our culture. This,
along with addiction, violence, and chronic disease account for many of our cultures
problemsall symptoms of failed bonding. The reactivation of this pain in our attempts
to create a family of our own is a serious condition to reflect on before the birth of a
child. I had, and continue to have, a difficult time with it, so I dont think its easy for
young people who naively enter into parenthood unaware of their own wounding.
Forewarned is forearmed.
To prevent perpetuating this failed bonding among our young (that is further
exacerbated by dysfunctional nuclear familiesthemselves an artifact of the
authoritarian cultures) we need to recognize what a secure bond looks and feels like, and
begin challenging the normative abuse of detachment parenting we see everywhere.
We see and hear these myriad symptoms of alienation and failed bonding every day in
the news, but we never hear about the real cause: how we treat our babies and children.
If we look closely, we can see these symptoms in our own lives, understand the real
cause, and begin to get our own needs met with the support of self-awareness books and
classes, support groups, therapy, and open honest communication with our family and
friends, rather than being blind to and driven by our unmet childhood needs. Applying
the wisdom found in publications like Compleat Mother is a good start.
As more men become aware of the dynamics between their own unmet needs and seeing
their childrens attempts to get theirs met, the widespread denial of this problem will
come out in the open. I believe men will then be better able to comprehend, appreciate,
communicate, and cope with their issues instead of denying, hiding, inflicting them on
others, or medicating them and hopefully, their female partners and friends of both
genders will better understand them. So supported, men will then be able to help society
understand and own the wounds of unbondedness that have not only reached epidemic
proportions in recent generations, but are also perpetuated by cultural and economic
agendas. By re-creating communities, extended families of choice, and other as-yet-not-
discovered ways of supporting each other in providing the nurturing we never got, we
68
can break the cycle of abandonment and separation inflicted on children in the form of
medicalized births, bottle feeding, circumcision, early day care, and the like.
When we men face and accept our own wounding and when we can open our hearts to
tend to our own needs and to support each other in this process, we will unleash the
compassion that gives us the strength to remain with our families and create a world that
nurtures everyone.
Copyright 2004 by John W. Travis, MD, MPH
This article is online at www.thewellspring.com/WhyMen and is being expanded and
updated into a book, including stories from other couples. Your experience is solicited
(via an email link at the above website).
69
Becoming Mother: A Personal Journey
by Meryn Callander
[This is a chapter from a book currently in progress]
Introduction and a Cautionary Note
My intention is not to present my husband and myself as a "really together" couple, nor
as model parents--for both are far (oh, so far) from the truth. If there is one thing
parenting has taught me, it is to have compassion for myself as, each day, I make
mistakes and do things that, in retrospect, I wish I had done otherwise. I want Siena to
know that this is OK. This is part of being a growing, evolving human being. Recognizing
our errors, forgiving ourselves, learning from them, reaffirming our heart's desire and
deepest intentions, and--centering in the present moment--moving on.
Perhaps the most difficult thing for many of us as we read material such as you will find
in this book, is confronting our feelings of blame and guilt. We do not like to think that
what we have done, or what we are doing to our children, is harming them. We do not
like to think that what our parents did to us, harmed us. It is important to distinguish
between regret (doing something because we didnt know better) and guilt (doing
something that we know is not good to do). It is appropriate to feel sad about things that
we regret having done, but sadness is not the same as guilt. Neither guilt nor blame will
serve us. We are all products of our time and culture, as were our parents and those who
preceded them.
As long as I deny the truth of what is happening to our children, and refuse to
acknowledge my participation in perpetuating this, I remain not only a victim but also a
perpetrator of a terrible injustice. And so for my own sake, for the sake of my child, for
the sake of our shared lifekind, I will acknowledge, but I will not fight to preserve, my
limitations. Though I recognize I do this imperfectly, this is my goal. I will do all I can do,
moment to moment, to remove the blinders I wear, and to perceive and nurture the
beauty and goodness, the desire to love and be loved, that is the essential nature of the
human spirit.
Becoming Mother
I became a mother at 41 years of age. It surprises me, even today, that such an "everyday"
event remains the most precious, profound experience of my life. Becoming mother: The
most wonderful and challenging and at times heartbreaking journey of my life. And
unlike other momentous events in my life, something that will be with me, in a very
immediate way, on both the secular and sacred dimensions of my being, until the day I
die.
My contribution to this book is born of my experience of becoming mother. It reflects
aspects of my journey with Siena--the lively, freckle-faced, brown-eyed, twelve year-old
delight with the curly red hair who I have the deep privilege of calling daughter-- and the
impact of that journey on my relationship with my husband.
Copyright 2006 Meryn Callander
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Deciding to conceive a child came as a surprise, as something I now think of as an
instinct, a biological imperative asserting itself in me. At the time, Jack and I had been
writing and facilitating seminars for helping professionals on healing the estrangement--
the disconnection from each other, the earth, the divine, and our own deep selves--that is
normative in the western world. Prior to Sienas conception, a colleague introduced us to
Jean Liedloffs The Continuum Concept as being "relevant to our work." I write more
about that later in this article. For now, suffice it to say this book radically impacted the
way in which I perceived and tended she-who-was-to-become-our daughter--and indeed,
all children.
So inspired, I became mother.
As an adult I had spent very little time in the presence of babies or the very young, and
rarely held an infant in my arms. I had not experienced the responsibility of having
someone totally dependent on me to meet their most basic needs 24 hours a day, seven
days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year. And so I somehow managed to
imagine that with our baby, life would continue pretty much as before. We would
continue to homestead, to write, to travel, and facilitate seminars. Why not? Siena would
be with us, content in sling or backpack as we lived our lives pretty much as we always
had, just as they did in the indigenous cultures I had read about.
In retrospect, it is difficult for me to imagine how I could have been so incredibly naive.
Along with a good dose of wishful thinking, I believe it was in large part the sad
consequence of my living largely independent of any meaningful exposure to, or
relationships with, the very young (or very old). This being thanks to the prevalence of
the nuclear family and the ways in which we have divorced so much of our lives from our
children who live too often behind the walls of "their" homes, nurseries, daycare centers,
or schools. Regardless, I think even for those not as naive as me it is simply impossible to
appreciate before the baby arrives, the changes in schedule and lifestyle that will be
required. And even more impossible, the changes that will occur within us as we become
mother/father, and between us as we assume these roles.
With the arrival of an infant, a couples relationship changes forever, in a multitude of
ways that cannot be anticipated or fully appreciated beforehand. --Source unknown
Up until Siena's birth, Jack and I had been consumed by the excitement of being
pregnant, preparing for the birth, reading about home birthing, getting our new garden
and home in reasonable shape---and I'm talking basic here, like running water in the
house. We continued to travel and facilitate seminars every few months, while writing for
both our newsletter and the book I had began working on with a passion, Dispelling the
Myths: Conception through the Early Years. We gave essentially no thought to the
needs of the postpartum period, beyond the thrilling purchase of a pile of cotton diapers
and a few of the sweetest ever (of course) natural fiber (of course) baby outfits.
Then, morning of February 28, 1993, three days "early," I felt my water break. It hit me:
this was real. The startling thought: There is no turning back. Surrender: I did, and it felt
so precious. I was ready. Or so I thought.
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The Early Hours and Days
At 9:29 PM Jack and I were two strong-willed individuals, used to an unusually high
level of independence and freedom from the schedules and demands of others. At 9:30
Siena popped out and into midwife Bettys hands, waiting for her in the warm waters of
the birthing pool, and I was transported to another planet, and a whole new dimension
of being (and doing). This new reality was to grow on me over the coming days.
Everything was so different. Jack and I were parents together. I had just been initiated
into one of the most important roles I will ever play in my life, and one for which I--like
so many new parents today--found myself minimally prepared and supported in
fulfilling.
The feeling of responsibility was at times overwhelming. I found myself on totally
unfamiliar ground. Changing diapers--which I'd wondered whether I would find
"yukky"--was a breeze. I loved tending her precious body. Similarly holding her, sleeping
with her, responding to her cues: all came so naturally. Learning how to nurse--
discovering it was not instinctive--was something else. As was the exhaustion I felt.
Feelings of overwhelm and frustration alternated with feelings of love and awe and
wonder.
New to the county and to the people in it, living off-grid with a long and winding 40-
minute drive in from the coastal town of Mendocino, we were all alone--the three of us
and Tigie our cat--on our hilltop. This is how we had wanted it. Extremely non-
continuum as I think about it now, but given our "I'll do it my way" tendencies, and also
being in good part introverted by nature, we had determined to create sanctuary space
here in the silence of the redwoods where in we could simply hang out, bond, be with
Siena, introduce her gradually to the larger world. In many ways this suited me. To this
day I am thankful she wasnt exposed to the pollutants of the city in those early weeks.
But as the days passed I felt the sadness of having no mother, sister, or village to turn to-
-to embrace me, celebrate me, guide me, validate and support me.
There were not enough arms to hold our baby. No shoulder to cry on, no one with whom
to share the moment to moment wonderment of tending a new life, no friend to wash
diapers or dishes when we were exhausted. With fatigue setting in, fuses got short--not
good for us and not good for baby. While the presence of a trusted person could have
been an absolute blessing in providing the space for us to share our emotions before they
seeped out indirectly in sarcastic remarks or arguments, we simply did not have access to
such a person.
Others to the Rescue
The exception to this was that we had arranged for Joy, Jack's former partner and one of
Sienas godmothers, to spend several nights with us. When she arrived she was hit with
our overwhelm, but we were so relieved to have her, most especially to listen to us, to
help out, to hold Siena.
We decided to ask my mother in Australia to come help us. I learned later that she had
been a little hurt at our determination to do this all ourselves. She immediately
accelerated her plans in order to get to the US to by the end of Sienas first month. My
mom. More arms. What a blessing.
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A Biological Imperative?
Having always felt the need for time alone for meditation, contemplation, walks, and
writing, I had wondered how I was going to manage with a baby. While in the newness
and exhaustion of the early weeks I would anticipate the time in the coming months
when I would be able to get some time to myself, it was only a short time before
mothering instincts emerged as a "biological imperative" from my body--to be with
Siena, to hold her, carry her, snuggle with her, respond to her.
once a mother begins to serve her baby's continuum (and thus her own as a mother),
the culturally confused instinct in her will reassert itself and reconnect her natural
motives. She will not want to put her baby down the ancient instinct will soon take
over; for the continuum is a powerful force and never ceases to try and reinstate itself.
The sense of rightness felt by the mother when she is behaving in accordance with
nature will do far more to reestablish the continuum in her than anything this book
may have conveyed to her as theory. --Jean Liedloff
That biological imperative soon outweighed any feelings I may have had to get time to
myself. Not that I never felt the need for time alone, but I found, to a surprising and
delightful degree, that nurturing Siena nurtured me--physically, emotionally, and
spiritually. I later recognized this as the force that Liedloff wrote of as "the ancient
instinct" taking over.
I never knew it would be so good, being a mom. As the months passed, I often ruminated
on the fact that if any one had told me, prior to my conceiving Siena, how much time and
energy it would take, I would never have considered it. And yet, now that I was, I had not
a single moment of regret (at least, after those early weeks of questioning that I have
written of elsewhere. This did not mean there were not times when I felt frustrated.
There was so much I wanted to do that I seemed unable to make time for. We had always
lived on the edge financially--referring to ourselves as self-employed, unemployed or
semi-retired, depending on the mood of the moment. And, even given our commitment
to voluntary simplicity and living lightly on the planet, the need to bring in some money
was--is--always gnawing away at us. But even in my most frightened or frustrated
moments, were I asked would I have it otherwise, I would say "no." I love being a mom.
The pressure I was feeling to complete the book that I had been working on began to
grow. It had been given to me to do, was in me to do, I felt compelled to do it. I found
myself torn between that part of me that wanted to be free to do nothing but be with
Siena: a full-time mother, lover, playmate, friend. I felt the pressure of time, passing so
quickly. Knowing I would never have the experience of mothering a young one again.
She, for that matter, would never have the opportunity to experience these crucial first
years of life again!
When Siena was around 16-months old, our new friends from Mendocino--Maggie,
Bruce, and their son Julian--a week older then Siena--joined us on the land. They had
recently joined us in co-sponsoring Jean Liedloff for a days workshop in Mendocino and
were as committed to "continuum practice," and to exploring the ups and downs of the
theory and practice, as were we. I don't think I appreciated at the time just how
important a lifeline our little "community" was.
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Almost every afternoon Maggie and I would put the children--now out of arms and
gleefully toddling about--into the jogging strollers and go for a long walk. This time
provided an invaluable venue for the release of our fears and frustrations as we both
shared our struggles--and revelations--in our efforts to "continuum parent." While with
the men we shared endless very wonderful discussions about the practical, the
philosophical, and the theoretical challenges of implementing these practices in the
absence of the "village," Maggie and I on our walks talked of the "absence" of our men.
Well meaning and well intended though we knew they were, they just weren't "there" for
us and our babies in the way we wanted and needed them. We felt some anger,
impatience, frustration at their neediness for us, Talking with Maggie recently, we saw
that we both had been more able to see the efforts each others partners were making,
than we were able to see in our own partner. We both felt the other to be a little "hard"
on them. Oh, if we had the fuller picture that we have now-the significance of the role of
father, a womans gatekeeping tendencies it would have been very different.
Unlike Maggie, I had a partner at home all day, a mother to support us, and--though I
didnt realize it at the time--an outlet through which I could feel "productive" and
creative: the book I was working on. Maggie, who had been an extremely active
community worker prior to becoming mother, really struggled with not having an outlet
for these energies that were so strong in her. While wanting to give herself heart and soul
to "this new thing called mothering," she struggled with the "there must be something
more" that kept surfacing in her mind. And, Bruce had to leave early each morning for
the long trek into work in Mendocino. I had it made. And, it still seemed so hard. So
much of my attention was focused on the absence of my mate who I so wanted to be with
me--even when I didnt act like it.
Prior to Sienas arrival, writing was something I did in long stretches of anything from a
day to several days, at times all alone and able to simply give myself to it. Now it was
grabbing a moment here, thirty minutes there, when Siena was with Bonnie or Jack. I
would agonize over whether I should drop the book altogether. It was an additional
stress between Jack and me, and this inevitably impacted Siena. What to do? Turning
within for guidance, no matter what time of day or from what angle I asked the question,
it came to me in the one simple word: Love. OK. So, I heard it again. I felt the subtle
movement of the energy through my body. And with it a releasing, a softening, a
gentling.
When I place love in the center of my life, every thing else falls into place. My heart
opens, my being becomes big enough to hold it all: Hold the parts of me that are scared--
scared I am not doing right by Siena, scared I would not finish this book given the
constraints I am experiencing, fear I would not be able to support myself if and when the
need arises--acknowledge them, embrace them, without identifying with them to point of
becoming them, losing myself in them. Identifying instead with love, the fear dissolves. I
find myself centered in the present. Doing what I can do, in the moment, now. And all is
well. At least until the next burst of tension with Jack comes along, testing me.
Our Struggles
Our relationship has always been challenging: about authenticity, transparency, and
honesty. We struggled, and at times succeeded, to live in partnership rather than
domination, collaboration rather than competition, acceptance rather then resignation,
loving and learning rather than protecting and defending. We knew each other inside out
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more than most couples ever care (or dare) to. After 16 years together, despite our many
clearings and revelations, and a substantial degree of personal growth and development,
we each carried a pretty typical layer of armoring, with many of the interactions between
us charged with baggage from past hurts and resentments.
While it may sound, as you read over our experiences of parenting Siena, like we were
always fighting, that wasnt so. There were many times we shared the joy of being
parents, together. I knew I was really fortunate in having a partner who supported me in
these continuum practices. For the most part, except in his really down periods when it
was so painful for him to be with either of us, he was there to share the caring of Siena, to
take her into his own arms, bathe, diaper and delight her. Most important, I knew that
he adored her, and that his intentions--like mine--were good.
While Siena brought great joy into our lives, and we were unwavering in our
commitment to her wellbeing and what we understood to be the principles of connection
parenting, her presence was inevitably a stress, most especially with respect to the
allocation of time and priorities for attention. Jack had always had a greater need for
attention from me than I, "solitary" that I am, from him, and with Siena now with us, he
felt, understandably, he was a much lower priority than he had been. All my nurturing
energies were pouring onto her. And, the truth remained, Siena was a pleasure to be
with, a delightful little being. He, on the other hand, had become more like a whiney
needy little child I didn't want to be around.
Our relationship had never approximated the flow of a long, flowing river, it was more
like a steep and twisting mountain stream with occasional patches of calm water. So
while I had always believed our relationship had been made in heaven, I frequently
wondered whether it could survive life on earth. This question loomed larger than ever
now. By Siena's third year, it was really bad. Jack was depressed much of the time.
Having been with him for 15 years, I had come to appreciate how debilitating his
depressive periods were for him, alternating with shorter periods of enthusiasm. Then,
we joked about how I loved his high periods when he accomplished so much. I had seen
him venture with such hope from one approach to another attempting to counteract the
basic S-SAD he had carried since birth--all to no avail. I had learned (well, was learning)
that the best I could do was to "give him space" when he went under: To have minimal
expectations of him knowing it would, in time, pass. I knew he didnt like being the way
he was either, but it was so hard not to have expectations of him at this juncture in our
lives. I did not want to join him where he was. Which, of course, made it even worse. So
here I wanted a father for my child, a partner, a friend. Instead, it seemed I had not one
but two little children to care for. I felt his neediness as a constant drain on my energies.
I struggled with the resentment I felt towards him. And the sadness I felt at the absence
of his presence, as father, that I had anticipated with so much pleasure.
In contrast, Siena's love for me was so pure, authentic, untainted, spontaneous,
effervescent. She gave so freely, and with such enthusiasm--such an inspiration. She was
so uncomplicated. And so why ever would I choose to be with him rather than with her?
The more depressed and needy he became, the less I wanted to be with him. I would
dread the times when he would talk about how needy he was, how he wasnt getting what
he wanted out of our relationship. I had little patience for this litany, and so much more
and better to do with my life: like, hang out with Siena.
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Romance
I had no idea it could last so long, this affair of the heart. I could remember when she
was such a tiny one, my endless fascination with her. Her tiny and so perfect little body.
Her wild and gentle spirit. Her, what seemed to be, more-critter-than-human actions--
rooting for my nipple, shameless peeing and pooping, swift moving eyes, the freedom
and abandon with which she expressed her emotions. Her spontaneity, and curiosity in
everything around her. I could go on and on.
I would find myself simply watching her. Entranced. At times I would feel the need to
pull myself back, direct my eyes elsewhere, thinking it not be good for her to feel herself
always "under observation," no matter how adoring the observation might be. For a
while Jack I secretly and playfully referred to her as TAC--The Adored Child. I would
wonder how long this fascination would last. Months? Surely not years.
I remember wondering at the comments from both friends and passersby: "They are so
sweet at that age." "Enjoy them while you can." "Wait till they begin crawling." So, will it
end?
Crawling came and went and it was wonderful. Seeing her growing will in motion. Her
strength and determination and perseverance. Her unfaltering faith that she could do
this thing, get about on her own two feet, despite countless topples and rolls, bumps and
bruises.
In no time walking turned into running. Then came the comments: "You think its bad
now." (I didnt). "Wait until she hits the terrible twos."
With Siena reaching a very ripe thirty months of age I still found myself entranced.
Intrigued with her unfolding being. Everyday, something new. Well into those Terrible
Twos," aptly renamed and hence reframed as the "Terrific Twos" she afforded us nonstop
entertainment. What a delightful being. I loved watching her bounce into her own
assertive style of independence, as she continued to explore her rapidly growing world.
Now not only through locomotion, but also language.
I remember when she asked her first question. "What daddy doing, mommy?" My heart
swelled and something did a back flip in my head. I had no intellectual understanding of
what this ability to question meant, but surely she had entered some new threshold of
perception. Now the questions were endless. "Where birds going mommy?" "What hit
car mommy?" (A stone.) "Where did sheep go mommy?" (Im not sure. Probably to
another field to find some more grass.) Suddenly I am so wise! Its astounding how much
I know about the world.
Many, many months passed from her first saying mommy and still I would get a little
run of thrills through my body whenever she said it: Which was many times a day. It is as
if it is still some incredible unbelievable experience to me.
"I am a mommy. I am a mommy. I am a mommy." I would find myself walking along
with her with this going through my head, like a little jingle. Is this normal? I would
smile. A little joke between me and me. I didnt care. Normal or not, I loved it. I loved
Siena. I loved being a mom.
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And yes, there were moments when she was a little pain--clinging, whining, dependent--
for no apparent reason. At these times she could not be moved by humor, by nursing, by
the offer of a balloon or picking beans together, or some similar appealing diversion. I
would estimate these difficult times though, to be about 5% of my experience of her.
I was in love and I was loved. I bathed in this field of love. So unconditional.
How could Jack ever compete? And if not, why would he want to stay?
Perpetuating the Pain Vies with Breaking the Cycle
As a child, my parents--both strong willed and assertive and also working and living
fulltime together like Jack and me--fought. They argued. It was never physical, but very
frightening to me, especially being a highly sensitive child, seeing those who I loved and
who were my world, at war with each other. I had spent many years working with my
inner child to heal the despair she carries as a result of this fighting, the despair she feels
that things can ever be any different, that she can never return to the memory of
"paradise" that she carries somewhere inside of her, but still, the despair remains. While
I had become able--at least for the most part--to distance myself from it, to observe those
feelings, rather than become them, they continue even today to need my monitoring, my
love. They still, too often, sabotage me in fulfilling my dreams.
Now a parent myself I was horrified that here Jack and I were doing as my parents "did"
to me, while fully cognizant of their impact--as my parents had not been. I reminded
myself that this cognizance is itself a step along the evolutionary ladder; but still, our
discord brought me pain. Thanks to our many years of work with conflict resolution and
exploring the very subtle ways in which we seek to dominate and be dominated, I was
excruciatingly aware of my every little transgression into blame/shame/attack, I worked
with it through loving acceptance and handling whatever came up between Jack and me
as best I could, striving to model constructive and loving ways of resolving conflict. We
no longer did the protracted fighting that my parents did, and we did before Siena came,
but we could sure be mean to each other on occasion. I so yearned to consistently model
that loving caring relationship that I aspire to--but I sure have a ways to go. Still, I think
we are getting better and better--thanks to Siena. Or at least, thanks to our desire not to
pass our wounding on to her.

The Continuum Concept
Jean Liedloff, author of this book that had so inspired us, had lived with the people of the
Yequana and Sanema tribes of Venezuela for several years. She found them to be the
happiest people she had seen anywhere. With time, she concluded that we "in
civilization" were laboring under some serious misapprehensions concerning human
nature, and that the way we treat babies and children is a primary cause of the
unhappiness, neurosis, and alienation that is so widespread among our people.
The children of these South American tribes were uniformly well-behaved. They never
fought, were never punished, and always obeyed happily and instantly. Babies and small
children were seldom out of the arms of others and were never left to cry; their
discomforts were quickly soothed or alleviated. Small children were breastfed on
demand, and continued to suckle for up to five years.
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Liedloffs experiences with these people left me with a burning need to question not only
the prevailing assumptions concerning the nature of humankind, but also "popular"
notions and guidelines on how to nurture an infant and child. I determined to look
beyond popular lore and practices to plant the seeds of a new consciousness in my child
and in myself--if, indeed, Liedloffs observations were correct. I began to search out
related literature from a variety of sources.
I read about a number of societies that simply cannot be characterized as aggressive.
What was fascinating was the range of variation, from the wholly un-aggressive Tasaday
in the Philippines to the highly violent societies of the "civilized" world. This variability
suggests that whatever genetic potential we may have for aggression, violent behavior is
largely learned. We become what our environment and social heredity socializes us to
become.
I found many studies--cross-cultural and scientific--pointing to a strong association
between early childcare practices and later personality development. The theme is
consistent: The infant/child who receives a great deal of attention, whose every need is
promptly met, becomes a gentle, cooperative, non-aggressive adult. The child who
receives intermittent attention becomes a selfish, uncooperative, aggressive adult.
Social interaction, initially with the mother, then within the family, forms the
foundations from which the child will view, and relate to the world. It is in the family
that the child learns--or is denied-- the practicalities of loving, of cooperating, of
communicating, of behaving as a social being.
The aberrant behaviors we see around us are not innate, not "normal" but artifacts--
symptomatic of a terrible misperception, culturally perpetuated, about the needs of
infants and children and the nature of humankind.
From the very moment of birth, routine practices swing into motion alienating us from
our place in the continuum. Birthing and early child "care" practices seem intent on
destroying the natural bond between mother and child on which all future bonds are
built: separating the two at birth; denying the breast; abandoning infants by placing
them in cribs, carriers, playpens, and a "room all of their own"; anticipating discordant
behavior; isolating families in houses behind closed doors; and instructing children what
to do with playthings rather than including them in the round of our daily lives. Add to
this the fact that we live in a culture that denies the childs early awareness that matter is
imbued with spirit, and that the earth is their home and they are a part of everything in
it. There is then, little wonder that we experience the massive alienation and violent
behaviors we see all around us as the "normal" condition of us "civilized" peoples. If we
retained, as many native peoples do, the infant/childs awareness of our connectedness
with all of life, we would not be able to do what we are doing to the planet and to each
other.
Practices for minimizing this enculturated alienation begin with recognizing the
sensitivity and intelligence of the fetus and newborn. From here they range from
maintaining constant physical contact--in arms, in slings--with babies, breastfeeding,
sleeping with our young ones, meeting their innate expectations, not overprotecting
them, assuming they are social beings who want to cooperate and learn, trusting and
respecting their developing personalities, and including them in our daily activities.
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Adopting even one of these practices will deeply impact a childs wellbeing--and of
course, the more the better.
Clearly, there are difficulties in translating this knowledge into our daily lives. We are
handicapped by a vastly different social and economic fabric, which in a multitude of
ways directly interferes with attachment and bonding. The warp of this fabric includes
not only the prevailing notions of how to care for children, but also the wounding that we
each carry from our own childhood, i.e., the sense of estrangement that runs so deep in
each of us as to seem to be reality itself.
I know that this journey is not one that everyone will choose to take. Most people will
say: "It is impossible, it cannot be done." Or they will argue that we are powerless in the
face of a social structure and collective psyche that does not support such radical
proposals. However, if we are concerned for the future of our children and this planet,
not to mention the liberation of our own minds, bodies, and spirits from their present
state of impoverishment, I believe that we have no choice but to do our very best.

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The Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children
We envision a world where:
Every child is wanted, welcomed, loved, and valued.
Every family is prepared for and supported in practicing the art and science of nurturing
children.
Adults respect children and honor childhood.
Children joyfully participate in the vital life of family and community.
Dynamic, resilient, life-honoring cultures flourish.
Our mission, in concert with a growing number of Affiliates, is to champion a culture of
compassionate individuals, families, and communities who have fun with, learn from,
and responsively and lovingly interact with children. We accomplish this by providing
guidance about consciously conceiving, birthing, and nurturing children.
At the heart of aTLC are our Proclamation and evidence-linked Blueprint of Principles
and Actions. These documents synthesize age-old wisdom and leading scientific research
supporting optimal human development from preconception through early childhood.
Copyright The Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children
Visit the aTLC website
80
A Proclamation for Transforming the Lives of
Children
Envision a world where:
every child is wanted, welcomed, loved, and valued;
every family is prepared for and supported in practicing the art and science of
nurturing children;
adults respect children and honor childhood;
children joyfully participate in the vital life of family and community; and
dynamic, resilient life-honoring cultures flourish.
We will create this world by:
recognizing that in natures design there are biological imperatives* that must be
fulfilled to support optimal human development;
identifying the evidence-linked principles that arise fromthese imperatives; and
acting on these principles that are essential for transforming the lives of children.
* Biological imperatives range from those conditions required for mere physical survival (food,
water, air, and shelter) to those that foster optimal human development. This document focuses
on what children, thus our species, need to thrive rather than simply survive.
Families today face unprecedented challengesisolation, loss of the extended family,
conflicting advice about how to parent, and the stress of modern-day life. Even with
these challenges, some children are thriving due to the love and commitment of their
families and communities. What can we learn from them?
It is the birthright of every human being to be conceived, carried, birthed, and nurtured
in the best possible way. By recognizing and responding to these biological imperatives,
individually and collectively, we foster optimal human development and a brighter future
for our world.
A growing body of evidence now documents that the quality of a persons earliest
experiences has a major impact on that persons entire life. It is therefore essential that
we, as a society, give high priority to fully nurturing our children.
The Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children is dedicated to ensuring that parents
are supported in practicing the art and science of nurturing children and experiencing
the joy of being parents.
81
Children Are in Crisis
Pregnant women subjected to physical or emotional violence: 28%
DEPARTMENT OF WOMENS HEALTH, WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
Infant circumcisions that are medically indicated or beneficial: 0%
AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION, COUNCIL ON SCIENTIFIC AFFAIRS
US Infants denied the benefits of breastfeeding for the one-year minimum recommended
by the American Academy of Pediatrics: 80.3%
ROSS LABORATORYS ANNUAL MOTHERS SURVEY, ROSS PRODUCTS DIVISION, ABBOTT LABORATORIES, 2002
Children documented to have been physically struck by age six months: 25%
BEARING WITNESS: VIOLENCE AND COLLECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY, SL BLOOM AND M RICHERT
Number of infant and toddler facilities that fail to meet minimum standards: 92%
U. OF COLORADO, DENVER, ECONOMICS DEPARTMENT: COST, QUALITY, AND CHILD OUTCOMES STUDY TEAM
Children living apart from biological father: 40%
US BUREAU OF THE CENSUS, CURRENT POPULATION REPORTS, 1998
Children ages 6-12 who have not had a 10-minute conversation with a parent in a month:
20%
CHILDREN'S DEFENSE FUND
Number of murders witnessed on TV and computer games by the average child before
reaching school age: 16,000
AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION, PHYSICIAN GUIDE TO MEDIA VIOLENCE, 1996
Increase in suicide, ages 5-14 (5th leading cause of death) since 1979: 200%
US NATIONAL CENTER FOR HEALTH STATISTICS, CDC, JULY 2000
US children under 18 estimated suffering from a psychiatric disorder that compromises
their ability to function: 9 million
NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH
Number of children under 18 arrested in US per year: 1.6 million
US DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
US pre-schoolers living below the poverty line: 5 million
US BUREAU OF THE CENSUS, CURRENT POPULATION REPORTS, 1997
Never before has one generation of American children been less healthy, less cared for,
or less prepared for life than their parents were at the same age.
National Association of State Boards of Education
Never before has there been such a wealth of information on keeping children healthy,
caring for them, and preparing them for life.
Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children
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Solutions Abound Education Is Key Action Is Essential
aTLC is committed to:
identifying the biological imperatives for optimal human development;
defining the principles and specific actions that arise from these biological
imperatives;
making this information readily accessible and understandable to all parents and
caregivers;
supporting families in implementing the actions essential for transforming the
lives of children and adults; and
fostering dynamic, resilient, and life-honoring cultures.
aTLC invites you to join the Alliance by:
becoming familiar with the Proclamation and Blueprint for Transforming the
Lives of Children;
implementing in your daily life many of the Actions such as those described in
the aTLC Blueprint;
sharing the vision of the Alliance with your family, friends, and colleagues;
endorsing this Proclamation (see form below or website); and
making tax-deductible contributions to support the work of aTLC.
Principles for Transforming the Lives of Children
(abridged, see Blueprint for full version)
aTLCs Philosophy: Children are innately good, cooperative, and whole in spirit.
Parents do the best they can at any given moment, within their present situation and
life circumstances. Agreement on a set of guiding principles by all family members
promotes enjoyable, confident parenting and provides children with a consistent,
supportive environment.
aTLC offers the following evidence-linked Principles for promoting optimal human
development in post-modern cultures that have foresaken the support and wisdom of
the extended family and village, instituted medicalized childbirth, and accepted as
normal the isolation and sensory deprivation of infants. Our deep concern for children
and parents is woven into each Principle. We invite you to ponder these Principles,
which we hope will motivate and inspire you. We encourage you to recognize and
follow your intuitive knowledge and instincts. Our intent is to help you co-create with
children a life that is practical, harmonious, and joyful.
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All children are born with inherent physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual
needs that, when met, foster optimal human development.
Every child needs to be securely bonded with at least one other personoptimally
the mother.
All children are by nature social beings, born with the drive to play, learn,
cooperate with others, and contribute to their world.
Each child carries a pattern of development designed to unfold at a unique
rhythm and pace.
Young children communicate their needs through behavior that is strongly
influenced by innate temperament, early experiences, the behavior modeled
by others, and current circumstances.
The ability of parents and caregivers to nurture children is strongly influenced by
their own birth, childhood, and life experiences.
Children depend upon their parents and caregivers to keep them safe and to
protect them from emotional and physical neglect, violence, sexual abuse, and
other toxic conditions.
A child who is nurtured in the womb of a healthy, loving, and tranquil mother
receives the best possible start in life.
A natural birth affords significant benefits to mother and baby; therefore, both
the potential benefits and risks of any intervention warrant careful consideration.
Breastfeeding, continual physical contact, and being carried on the body are
necessary for optimal brain and immune system development, and promote the
long-term health of the baby and mother.
A father's consistent, meaningful, and loving presence in a child's life is
significant to the child, father, mother, and the wellbeing of the family.
Parents create a strong foundation for family life when they consciously conceive,
foster, or adopt a child, and are committed to understand and meet the child's
needs.
Single parents have a special need for a strong emotional and financial support
system to effectively nurture their children.
Political, economic, and social structures either enhance or diminish parents'
opportunities to nurture and sustain a secure bond with their children.
When children live in socially responsive families and communities, they receive
a foundation for becoming socially responsible themselves.
Effective parenting is an art that can be learned.
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By implementing these Principles through Actions such as those suggested in the aTLC
Blueprint, societies can transform themselves into dynamic, non-violent cultures where
children are loved, protected, respected, valued, and encouraged to joyfully participate
in the vital life of family and community.
Actions for Parents, Caregivers, and Society
(abridged, see Blueprint for full version)
Encourage prospective parents to carefully consider their readiness to assume the
roles and responsibilities of becoming a parent.
Honor pregnancy as a natural event (not a medical condition) and recognize the
importance of the mothers emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing; a safe
environment; a strong support system; and communication with the unborn as
an aware, sensitive being.
Consider all birthplace options, recognizing that birth experiences are enhanced
in home, birth center, or hospital settings that support parents birth plan
detailing their informed choices for labor, birthing, and the postpartum period.
Select a birthing environment that clearly supports the infant-parent attachment
process, e.g., actively encouraging immediate and continual physical contact,
breastfeeding, and the involvement of the father in supporting the mother and
connecting with the newborn.
Support secure infant-parent bonding through the early days, weeks, and months
by respecting attachment promoting behaviors, e.g., breastfeeding on cue,
carrying infants in arms or slings, avoiding substitutes for human contact
strollers, pacifiers, stuffed toys, etc.
Assist in building additional support for the single parent.
Recognize and nourish every childs innate goodness and wholeness of spirit,
innate motivation to learn, and unique rhythm of development.
Create environments that meet childrens innate needs for caregiver constancy,
unconditional love, a nutritious diet, and security.
Protect children from harmful environments, e.g., physical or emotional trauma
from people or media exposure, and environmental toxins and pollutants.
Minimize our own barriers to nurturing children as parents, caregivers, and a
society by addressing any dysfunctional patterns caused by our own early unmet
needs or traumatic experiences that occurred around pregnancy or birth.
Foster sense of belonging to a responsive and responsible community by
providing children with opportunities to contribute to others.
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Provide ready access to education and support for parenting.
Develop family-friendly economic, political, and social structures that clearly
support and value the raising of children understanding they are the promise of
our planets wellbeing.
Copyright 2001 by The Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children. Permission
granted to freely reproduce in whole or in part with complete attribution: aTLC, 901
Preston Ave, Suite 400, Charlottesville, VA 22903 (206) 666-4301 (02) 6684-1415 in
Australia, info@ aTLC.org, www.aTLC.org
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aTLC Family Support Network WarmLine
Phone Mentoring
The aTLC WarmLine's phone mentors offer consistent, ongoing, and evidence-based
guidance, support, and inspiration to enhance effective and conscious parenting.
The aim of the WarmLine is to make the concepts, principles, and actions assembled in
the Blueprint of Transforming the Lives of Children readily available to parents and
caregivers. The Blueprint articulates evidence-based findings about fostering optimal
human development, which are summarized in part by the following premises.
Premises:
A healthy parent/child bond, from preconception onward, is the ideal for
effective parenting and a childs optimal physical, emotional, and spiritual
development.
Parents are always doing the best they can, at any given moment, with the
information, resources, and support they have.
Children are always doing the best they cantheir challenging behaviors are a
way of communicating their need for adult attention, connection, and support.
Children never outgrow their need for a strong connection with their parents, and
it is never too late for parents to strengthen their connection with their children.

WarmLine Services
The aTLC WarmLine offers information, inspiration, and support via:
A Call-in CenterReadily accessible heart-to-heart support by phone with
informed and resourceful mentors skilled in applying the aTLC Blueprint to day-
to-day parenting issues.
Ongoing Parent MentoringPre-scheduled one-on-one, heart-to heart, sessions,
with time, frequency, and duration negotiated between mentor and client.
TeleclassesPhone-linked series of classes that provide crucial parenting
information as well as small group support.
The WarmLine Mentors help make the Principles and Actions readily accessible and
relevant to everyday parenting concerns.
For more information about the aTLC WarmLine, please visit atlcwarmline.org
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John Breeding
John Breeding, Ph.D., is a psychologist with a well-established private counseling
practice in Austin, Texas. A significant part of his work involves counseling with parents
and children. He lectures and leads workshops for parents and educators on handling
the challenge of a child who is labeled a problem. His purpose is to assist adults in
becoming more effective in their work with young people, offering non-drug alternatives
to helping young people who are having a hard time. He is also director of Texans For
Safe Education, a citizens group dedicated to challenging the ever-increasing role of
psychiatry, especially psychiatric drugs, in the schools. Dr. Breeding is also active on
other challenges of psychiatric oppression, including electroshock
(www.endofshock.com), the psychiatric drugging of elders in nursing homes, and forced
psychiatric incarceration and treatment. His website, www.wildestcolts.com, is a great
resource on parenting, psychology and psychiatry.
Dr. Breeding obtained his doctorate in School Psychology from the University of Texas.
He is the author of three hard copy books, The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses, The
Necessity of Madness and Unproductivity: Psychiatric Oppression or Human
Transformation, and True Nature and Great Misunderstandings, and one e-book, Eyes
Wide Open: Parenting (and Life) Manifestos for the 21
st
Century.
John is also the father of two teenagers, Eric, 20, and Vanessa, 16, and has a 13-year-old
stepson, Gardiner
Copyright John Breeding
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TRUE NATURE AND GREAT
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
(How We Care For Our Children According To Our
Understanding)
In this bold new work, John Breeding inspires us to remember the wondrous true nature
of our children. He points out where we have gone wrong, and he shows us a better way.
Breeding says that we care for children according to our understanding. If we
understand children to be inherently violent, we can expect to be struggling to tame
violent urges from here on. If we forget that children are born with an insatiable curiosity
and absorbent minds, and instead think we need to use reward and punishment to make
them learn, then we get a system that creates dumb, unmotivated students. If we believe
that failures in adjustment are due to biologically based mental illnesses like attention
deficit disorder, then we end up with millions of our precious children on toxic drugs.
This book will help to clean these distorted mirrors of perception.
The inherent nature of our children includes vast intelligence, unbridled zest and open-
hearted loving. When we understand just how awesome and wonderful our precious
children are, we can relax, and trust, and see them through the eyes of delight.
And here are some recommendations:
Book Review by Naomi Aldort
True Nature and Great Misunderstandings is a concise, muscular piece of writing
plain talk from Texan John Breeding about childrens real essence and how we can
protect it from a culture that has lost its sense of self.
Chris Mercogliano, author of Making It Up as We Go Along: The Story of the Albany Free
School.
Somehow, someway, John Breeding has found a way to measure his steps, his dreams,
his pain, and his passion-to transform them into a dynamic interplay with the times
and the American culture in a way that is thought provoking and heart rendering. I am
always inspired when I read his marking of the twain, sounding the depth of our
American way of life.
Roger Mitchell, PhD, psychologist and educator.
In his strong voice, John Breeding makes it clear that our children deserve to be
accepted and valued for their unique and wonderful qualities, not evaluated, pigeon-
holed, labeled, or drugged. It is my hope that this refreshing, thought-provoking, and
very important book will be read and taken to heart by all those fortunate enough to
have children, work with children, or advocate on their behalf.
Jan Hunt, author of The Natural Child: Parenting From the Heart
To order True Nature and Great Misunderstandings, please visit the Wildest Colts
website.
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Remembering Essence: Parenting as Emotional
Healing
by John Breeding, Ph.D.
As a parent and as one who works with parents, I have become intimately familiar with a
universal law that as a parent, your stuff will come up. As night follows day, however
much we vow and wish differently, we inevitably and repeatedly fall out of our loving as
parents. This simple premise is at the center of all the parenting work I do and facilitate
these days. Anytime we fall out of our loving and point the finger at our bad children,
it always says more about us than about our children. In order to hold and manifest our
high ideals of what it means to be good parents, we must face our stuff and somehow
transform ourselves in the places where we are unable to stay present and available for
our children. We either suppress our children or we transform ourselves and our lives,
again and again.
Before explaining the process that I call parenting as emotional healing, let me first
describe some foundational theory. Though perhaps already familiar, it is the kind of
information which is always helpful to remember. First has to do with our inherent
nature as human beings. Regrettably, as I will show with a recent example from my own
life, even today we are faced with a powerful legacy of distrust in human nature, a view
which sees humans as inherently flawed. On April 29
th
, 1999, I participated in a panel of
four authors, organized as an event for parents, at a Barnes & Noble bookstore in Austin,
Texas, in conjunction with National Child Abuse Week. I am a psychologist, as were two
of the other panelists, one in private practice like myself, the other a University
professor. The professor commented on the recent tragedy of multiple killings at
Columbine High School in Colorado. This academician had just written a book
presenting research to argue the case that many human traits and abilities are genetically
determined, and that parents really need to recognize the limits of their influence on
children and let go of unnecessary guilt and overresponsibility. He said that the default
point for human beings was simian wildness as in William Goldings The Lord of the
Flies, and that our basic job is to provide an influence to civilize our children. He strongly
felt that violence was biologically determined, and that incidents such as the killings in
Colorado, though unpredictable, were to be expected, and could largely be accounted for
by genetics. The philosophical underpinnings of this professors worldview lie in a
Judaeo-Christian theology which views us as inherently debased and sinful, fallen
creatures desperately in need of Gods salvation. The twentieth century scientific version
requires mankinds taming of our primitive instincts by the forces of civilization. Today,
this face is most prominently seen, as with this professor, in the worldview of biological
psychiatry wherein our flaws are not due to sin or socialization, but to biological or
genetic defect which can be controlled by psychiatric drugs.
I have grave concerns about the implications of this thinking. I agree that as parents we
tend to overestimate our ability to control the course of our childrens lives. Many of us
err in thinking that our job is to control our children. Mostly, we do this out of fear or
shamefear that theyll turn out badly; shame that they will somehow reflect badly on
us. I part with him, however, in many ways. Perhaps my greatest concern is with the
consequences of his conclusion that violence is largely biologically determined. I believe
it negates or minimizes the role of conscience, morality and ethics, as well as
compassion, caring, and a necessary responsibility for the well-being of all of our fellow
beingsin short, those qualities which make us essentially human.
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I believe his understanding of human nature is seriously flawed and distorted. I agree
that human beings come into the world with unique genetic and biological makeup, and
that this makeup includes a primitive, instinctual, animalistic survival nature. Any
adult who witnesses a childs passionate screaming for food and comfort, or her rage at
frustrated desire knows this survival nature and its intense emotional reactivity. In this
sense, it is easy to understand how one would conclude that simian aggression is the
default option; it certainly looks that way when needs arent met, and this seems true for
all of us in infancy and early childhood. What makes it seem even more true is that so
many adults, perhaps the majority, also behave this way! So, from this perspective, one
has to admit this is human nature, or else one can be dismissed as a religious simpleton,
clinging to the simplistic security blanket of a naive, pollyanna universe in denial of the
obvious scientific truth.
Do you know the story of the blind men and the elephant? It reveals one key to
discovering the truth of our nature as human beings. There are four blind men in a room
with an elephant, and they are asked to tell what is in the room with them. One grabs the
trunk and says it is a thick hose; one grabs the tail and says it is a rope; one feels the ear
and declares its a fan, the fourth grasps a leg and says it is a tree. So one truth is that we
humans are multidimensional, multifaceted beings. We must not attempt to explain our
nature by the tail of our animal survival nature. Yet we can benefit from a simple theory
which still accounts for as much of the truth as possible. If the tail of our biological or
genetic animal nature is not the deepest aspect of our human nature, then what is?
Inherent Nature
What really is essential? What is the essence of our humanness? What is our inherent
nature? To the university professor on our panel, the essence of human nature, what he
called the default option, is simian aggression. Contrast this dark view with that of the
Dalai Lamas:
One of my fundamental beliefs is that all sentient beings have gentleness as their
fundamental nature. If we look at the pattern of our existence from an early age until
our death, we see the way in which we are so fundamentally nurtured by affection,
each others affection, and how we feel when we are exposed to each others affection.
In addition, when we ourselves have affectionate feelings we see how it naturally
affects us from within. Not only that, but also being affectionate and being more
wholesome in our behavior and thought seems to be much more suited to the physical
structure of our body in terms of its effect on our health and physical well-being, and so
on. It must also be noted that the contrary seems to be destructive to health.
I love the Dalai Lama. I believe that our inherent nature is that we are born as highly
intelligent, zestful, curious, loving beings. Barring organic brain damage, a toxic womb,
the effects of drugs, or a severely traumatic birth, this nature is readily apparent in our
babies. We are also born needing and expecting a tremendous amount of attention, care,
nurturance and support by thoughtful, aware adults through our exceedingly long
process of development. We are born with a dual nature. Our essence is as the Tibetan
Buddhist Dalai Lama and teachers and mystics of traditions including Sufism, Taoism,
Mohammedism, Hinduism, mystical Christianity and Judaism and many others all
describe: a place of divine love, unending flow and vitality, unlimited intelligence, and
sheer radiant beingness. Many traditions include a practice called darshan, wherein a
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spiritual teacher graces people in his presence with a transmission of spiritual energy. All
parents know the great gift of being in the presence of a contented baby, the beauty and
power of what I call baby darshan. We are born connected to essence. The other side of
our duality is the instinctual nature, evolved to adapt and survive as animals in this
physical world; the discontented baby hardly looks like a saint resting in radiant loving;
crying, screaming, face distorted, back arching, its well-being clearly dependent on the
fulfillment of needs and desires. Living from essence with its attendant qualities of
unlimited power, imagination and immediacy, the young child expects unlimited and
immediate wish fulfillment and gratification. When this doesnt happen, the survival
nature reacts in frustration (rage). The fall from grace is often not pleasant.
This complex being, connected to its true nature as radiant splendor, yet living in a body
with persistent survival needs, and intense emotional qualities adapted to demand and
insure fulfillment of these needs, is faced with an enormous task. The baby is physically
separated from mother at birth, but psychological separation is a developmental task
achieved only by trial and ordeal and a lot of help. To develop a separate self-sense from
a state of being merged with mother is an awesome challenge. To successfully achieve
what the ego psychologists call rapprochement, an ability to be in relationship while at
the same time maintaining this hard-won separate identity is even more challenging, and
by the looks of it, a rare gem even for our adult population. Babies and young children
need a lot of help. And so, therefore, we parents also face an enormous task. Besides the
often grueling adult responsibility to provide physical needs such as food, warmth and
shelter, parents especially need to provide mirroring and modeling for our children.
Mirroring and Modeling
Children need mirroring, adults who reflect the world and our own actions back to us. In
order to mirror for our children in a truly effective way, in a way that supports these
vulnerable beings in their awesome challenge to become individuals who powerfully
manifest their uniqueness and their true nature, it is necessary that we adults who do the
mirroring know something of our own essence. Lacking an awareness of our essential
nature, and its awesome qualities, we see only instinct and adaptation. We are unable to
empathize and support the incredible challenge of developing an individual self that not
only manages the slings and arrows of outrageously frustrating limitations of our
physical and social world, but also maintains conscious contact, appreciation and
enjoyment of essence.
As a parent knowing essence, the task becomes one of drawing out or helping children to
express essential qualities in their milieu at different levels of development. The
alternative task is to instill virtues which are seen as void and nonexistent in a child. The
difference between somehow implanting a sense of responsibility into a child seen as
inherently irresponsible, for example, and figuring out how to uncover a childs inborn
need and desire to be responsible, is a radical one. Anyone who has either been around
two-year-olds and their intense pleasure at helping out with responsibilities, or who has
done inner work around experiences of their own abuse in childhood and felt the intense
guilt and shame that comes from childrens tendencies to feel responsible for everything
that happens to them, should see these tendencies as evidence that responsibility is one
face of our inborn essential nature.
Children also need models, idealized images they can internalize to provide inspiration
and structure in their job of ego development. It is a magnificent, frightening, and at
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times overwhelming fact that who we are as adults unavoidably becomes a significant
part of the structure of our childs psyche. Cant be helped. No way around it. Ideas,
information, and techniques are helpful, but the biggest part by far is who we are as
individuals, the level of our awareness, the quality of our attention and loving. The truth
comes back to the fact that the best way to help our children is to help ourselves. This
means doing whatever we can to get free of whatever gets in the way of or throws us out
of our own inherent, loving nature, and the essential quality of spacious, free attention.
With such attention, children retain their intelligence and zest, and learn to share with
others in a spirit of warmth, affection and cooperation. Without this support, they often
succumb to the effects of neglect, insult and injury, and sometimes act very badly. I dont
see this as a default option. I see it as the effect of having been systematically hurt with
no recourse to ways of healing. One piece of good news, however, is that our inherent
nature includes one inborn mechanism for healing which is to emotionally express the
effects of hurt. Crying is the release of hurt and loss; storming anger is the release of
insult and frustration; shaking, sweating and trembling releases the effects of fright,
laughing of embarrassment or humiliation, etc. The Re-Evaluation Counseling
Community calls this emotional discharge, and offers great information and grassroots
peer support for parents and families.
The Cycle of Abuse
I want to review one more piece of theory, beautifully taught in the books of Alice Miller
such as Banished Knowledge, before we go on to the specifics of parenting as emotional
healing. Remember that children experience the world with themselves as the center;
whatever happens, they feel that they are the responsible cause. Parents are seen as
omnipotent and all-knowing, thus assuring the feeling that anything wrong must be the
childs fault. Here is how it works.
A child is hurt by a parent. The child unavoidably internalizes both sides of the
experience, as victim and as powerful adult perpetrator. Naturally, the primary
identification is that of victim, afraid and ashamed. When a child is not supported and
allowed to express and work through the effects of hurt, he will protect himself
intrapsychically by the mechanism of splitting. In order to function without continued
feelings of fear and shame, the child will split off the internalized experience of being a
powerless, terrified victim and banish this knowledge as deeply as possible into the
unconscious mind. Just as it is natural for a child to initially identify himself as terrified
victim, it is equally natural that, given a later opportunity, that same child will choose to
identify with a powerful perpetrator in a relational world in which abusive inequities of
power are the norm. The final part of this process is that the split-off internalized victim
self is projected from the unconscious depths of the psyche onto the others within
interactions. The individual denies (represses and forgets) the hurt and its associated
feelings of shame and fear. Her perception, however, is determined by these unconscious
feelings, so she is drawn to see others as shameful and deserving of the treatment she
once received. Her identification as a powerful perpetrator leads inexorably to a well-
justified punishment (a.k.a. discipline) of the deserving other.
Four stages describe the process: An act of abuse, internalization of both sides of that
abusive interaction, splitting and unconscious denial of victimization, projection of the
denied powerless and shame-filled victim self. Now the stage is set for recapitulation, re-
enactment and perpetuation of the abusive pattern. To the individual who unconsciously
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projects his own experience of terror and shame onto another, that other is bad and
powerless, fully deserving and in need of correction. The original victim acts on such a
conviction, and is fully justified in whatever act is perpetrated. A father who was hit as a
child for whining now hits his own child for whining, justifying it as necessary to teach
the child a lesson. The father has identified with his own parent and projected his own
split-off, hurt, child self onto his child. The cycle of abuse is complete.
My first and foremost assumption, then, is that where we have a hard time as parents is
when we get emotionally triggered, which not only interferes with our relatedness to our
children, but also causes us to think less well. Something about our childs behavior
triggers an unresolved area of emotional distress and we are thrown out of our true
loving and intelligent nature. At these times, a feeling of urgency tends to possess us;
there is a strong pull to suppress the uncomfortable emotions, usually by suppressing
our child or by giving up and avoiding conflict. Often, we feel extremely righteous, a
pretty reliable indicator that we are in the throes of a shame attack, from which place
blame becomes a thoroughly justified defense. At other times, we feel hopeless and
discouraged, a memory feeling of how we, or our parents, felt in a situation that was
emotionally similar in our childhood past.
A Formula For Parenting
A wide array of our childrens behaviors can be excellent triggers for unresolved feelings
of hurt, fear, shame or anger. Disrespect, disobedience, defiance, aggression, whining,
crying, lying, almost anything that somehow touches a place where we were hurt as
children can be such a trigger. There is a simple formula which is useful as a way to begin
working with this idea of parenting as emotional healing; K. Lavonne, author of
Tomorrows Children, taught it to me.
Step 1) Recognize that you are out of your loving with your child. This does not mean out
of your permissiveness, but out of your loving and neutrality; it means that you are
emotionally triggered. This usually looks like either an urge to punish or to give up and
withdraw. It generally means that you are not able to think well about your child, and
have forgotten that they are doing the best they can, and that their bad behavior is an
effort to get your attention on a place where they have some distress and need your help.
Step 2) Ask yourself, Who am I in this situation? This means exploring your internal
state when you are triggered. It might be, Im an angry woman who wants to throttle my
child. Or I feel like a hopeless, defeated little boy who just wants to curl up and
disappear. It might be one of those humbling situations where you recognize, with a
sinking feeling, that the precise words that just came out of your mouth were those of
your own mothers, in just her tone of voice: words you had promised never to use with
your child.
Step 3) Ask yourself what behavior or quality in your child are you reacting to. Perhaps
you cant stand his whining or her defiance, or lying.
Step 4) Ask yourself how you are in relationship to this quality inside of yourself. This is
the inner work of self-discovery and emotional healing. One place to work on this is in
the area of lying. The work of personal transformation requires great honesty; my friend,
Brad Blanton, has a bestselling book called Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your
Life By Telling The Truth. His whole premise is that your personal growth is limited only
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by your incapacity or unwillingness to be honest. He says that we are all liars, and getting
honest is a big work for all of us. The great task of parenting is to do our own work
because we can effectively help our children only in areas where we are relatively free of
distress. If your child has trouble making friends, and you have a similar pattern, the
best way you can help your child is to go make friends for yourself. Similarly, the bottom
line with lying is that if it is a problem for your child, the very best way you can help your
child is to do the courageous and difficult work of getting honest in your own life. We
need to be absolutely honest with our children and especially with ourselves. Blanton
talks about three levels of honesty, in ascending order of both subtlety and difficulty:
honesty with the outer facts or circumstances, honesty with how you feel about these
circumstances, honesty with the deeper conditioning (distress) that lurks behind all this.
I would say that a necessary first step is to completely surrender the illusion that there is
any justification whatsoever for you to blame, punish, or otherwise be out of your loving
with your children; its all your distress, your responsibility.
Step 5) Do the inner work related to the difficulties you have in the area of distress. This
might mean personal counseling, talking with friends, journaling, whatever support
helps and is necessary.
Step 6) Be grateful to your child for being your teacher and pointing out to you the place
you need to grow.
Lying or any other place where we get restimulated and reactive becomes another portal
into the fires of personal transformation, and our children are the catalysts who provide
both the stimulus to feel the fire, and the motivation to stay with it and endure the ordeal
of countless ego deaths. If we are fortunate, these are deaths of those negative memories,
feelings and habits which keep us out of our loving, and awakenings into greater space
for acceptance, tolerance, compassion and clear thinking about ourselves and our
children. Since honesty is an ongoing challenge, I will share a few more thoughts on this
phenomenon of lying children.
Connection
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that closeness and affection
connectednesswith others, especially parents, is absolutely vital to our children, way
more important than efficiency, productivity, or any aspect of how well things go on a
practical level. When safety and closeness are at stake, the facts dont count for much. I
think inaccuracy, distortion or downright lying about the facts is probably much less
significant than the incongruency present when a parent is righteously stuck on details,
and not fully aware that he or she is caught in an attitude of shame or blame, insensitive
to the feelings and needs of the child at that moment. I know that, from the childs point-
of-view, survival itself depends on the continued acceptance and support of adult
caregivers. My own opinion is that when we adults in authority are acting out of the
automaticity and harshness of our distress, rather than the caring, flexible intelligence of
our inherent nature, it makes very good sense for a child to lie. There is no need to push.
When there is safety, acceptance, warmth and affection, the natural trajectory of the
child is toward complete honesty in sharing with loved ones. Why wouldnt it be?
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Imagination
To a child, imagination is everything. The definitions of consensus reality, including both
the facts and the rules about acceptable behavior, are won over a long time at a high
price; and they are ever-evolving and changing. It is arrogant and presumptuous to
assume a childs reality is like our own, and to impose ours on them in any kind of harsh
or punishing way. I vote for a lightening up, and a greater investment in trust and
confidence in the natural integrity of the developing child. Often what appears a lie when
weighed against the outer facts, is an absolutely true expression of a childs inner world.
Psychologist and author, James Hillman, in his book, The Souls Code, recommends the
following necessary nutrients for evoking imagination: Among the many prerequisites
for furthering imagination, I would single out at least these three: first, that the parents
or intimate caretakers of a child have a fantasy about the child; second, that there be odd
fellows and peculiar ladies within the childs perimeter; and third, that obsessions be
given courtesy. Hillmans teaching is that these so-called obsessions are often windows
to the soul, early expressions of the uniqueness of a childs gifts and purpose in life. That
we can really know any connection between these early idiosyncracies and the journey of
the soul only in retrospect or hindsight is another good reason to go easy on our
judgments and pathologizing of our childrens behavior. Certainly, we should avoid
putting our children into situations where they feel like they have to lie in order to
protect the gold of their souls life purpose.
Control
Parent educator Tammy Cox clearly stated for me the truth that, for children, it is more
important to resist control than to have things go well in their life. I have seen the
accuracy of this truth again and again. So another place to check when lying or any kind
of disrespect, disobedience or defiance is an issue, is our need and tendency to control
our children. Look especially close when there is even the slightest edge of disrespect,
what I call adultism, in our communication with a child.
Rank
With rank and power comes responsibility. With enormous rank and enormous power,
such as we have with our children, comes enormous responsibility. Anyone who has been
around children, and who has even the slightest awareness, knows that humans have a
built-in expectation of fairness, and a natural tendency toward righteous indignation
when things are unfair. It is also apparent that children naturally expect their needs to be
met by loving, intelligent adults. In other words, children know we have rank and power,
and expect us to use it in their best interests with love and wisdom. Arnold Mindell,
psychologist, author and founder of process work, taught me the simple axiom that:
Unfair or unaware use of rank causes revenge. We all know that on any level (the
individual, the family, the community, the nation or the world) the need for revenge
overpowers outer truth almost every time. The best way out that I know is a tolerance
which allows for full expression of all grievances, together with relentless desire for and
action on behalf of reconciliation. This is, of course, what we all want in our families.
I conclude this essay with a brief personal account of how far we can be divorced from
our essential nature, and how deeply healing the path of parenting can be. Even when we
have an intellectual idea about essence, we often lack a true, living awareness of who we
really are. I devoted a chapter of my book, The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses, to a
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story of my parenting experience with my son, Eric, now 14, when we was between the
ages of 4 and 7. He was very angry, and showed it much of the time. My own adaptation
to life had been to become a good, nice, passive boy, and I had a very hard time with
anger. Erics mother and I had the theory that we should trust Erics nature and allow his
expression, but it was excruciatingly difficult for me to hang in there with him. I was out
of touch and suppressive of my own anger, often afraid of my sons powerful anger. At
times, I became full of my own suppressed rage, and felt like throttling him. Other times,
I wanted to give up, or felt an overwhelming desperation and need to cry. Fortunately, I
had support (not the least of which came from the Re-Evaluation Counseling Community
and its attendant playdays and family workshops) and got through it, but not without
paying a price. The best news is that Eric has turned out magnificent. The most awesome
learning for me had to do with essence. For all his life, I had seen Eric as very different
from me. I was quiet, mild-mannered and introspective; he was loud, assertive,
extremely rough and tumble. It seemed like his energy and personality dwarfed mine in
comparison. The most astounding revelation came one day, after one more intense
session, when it dawned on me that my true nature might actually be very like my sons,
that perhaps I had been hurt in such a way that my adaptation to life was severely
disconnected from my essence. Over the ensuing years, the truth of this possibility has
continually been revealed to me. Every day I hold a prayer of love and thanksgiving for
my son, Eric, in my heart. And for all our children. Today I pray as well that all parents
may be grateful to their children for helping them reconnect and remember essence.
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Does ADHD Even Exist?
The Ritalin Sham
by John Breeding
Mothering Magazine, July/August 2000
Alice, the mother of a seven-year-old son, Nathan, recently visited my office for a
counseling session. Nathan had reportedly been different and difficult from the
beginning: exhibiting early seizure-like activity, a most challenging temperament, great
sensitivity to various types of stimulation, intense frustration, aggressive tantrums, and
other apparent developmental difficulties. Alice had taken him to doctors from a young
age, obtaining a variety of mostly nonspecific diagnoses of developmental problems.
Alice felt unappreciated as a parent, hurt and angry that the Montessori school her son
had attended at ages four and five had ultimately rejected him. She felt judged by other
parents, whom she felt blamed her for her sons challenging behavior. And she felt
unsupported by both camps of opinion regarding medication: the pro-Ritalin forces
challenged her reluctance to use the drug for her son, and the antidrug group vehemently
urged her to resist drug use.
Alices personal stance on the Ritalin issue was clear. While she basically agreed that
these medications are not good for children, she also felt that, in her familys case, it
had been helpful. Nathan had been diagnosed at age five with attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and had taken Ritalin for a year. Alice thought the drug
greatly helped her son, slowing him down enough so that he could listen and process
information. She and her boyfriend both felt drugs made the boy much easier to be with;
further, their own reduced stress eased them so much that they were now able to
consider other alternatives for Nathan, such as nutritional supplementation.
Proponents of psychiatric drugs attest that they work, meaning they alter mood,
thought, and action. They also work, of course, in that they assuage the medical
communitys expectation that drugs be used to treat these children. I believe that fully
informed adults should have every right to voluntarily use any drugs they wish, as long
as they dont endanger others in doing so. Children, however, are not able to give fully
informed consent to drug useespecially those under six years of age, a group in whom
we are witnessing a dramatic increase in psychiatric drug prescription.(1) It is, therefore,
our responsibility as adults to ensure every possible opportunity for optimal
development for our children, to protect and defend our children from powerful toxic
drugs, particularly those prescribed for psychiatric purposes. Like Alice, a large
percentage of adults who take psychiatric drugs or give them to their children would
prefer to avoid themand yet they capitulate and use them because the drugs provide
relief: from tension, fear, and desperation, as well as from the external strains of
judgment and coercion. Lawrence Diller, author of the best-selling book Running on
Ritalin, argues that: The 700 percent rise in Ritalin use is our canary in the mineshaft
for the middle class, warning us that we arent meeting the needs of all our children, not
just those with ADD. Its time we rethought our priorities and expectations unless we
want a nation of kids running on Ritalin.(2) Dr. Diller decries the trend (as I do in my
book The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses), contending that this increased reliance
on drugs reflects a society in distress. Rather than try to force our children to shrink into
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situations that do not meet their needs, he states, we need to take responsibility for our
society.
Diller himself is, however, torn by the same conflict many parents have concerning
Ritalin. On the one hand, he says: As a citizen I must speak out about the social
conditions that create the living imbalance. Otherwise I am complicitous with forces and
values that I believe are bad for children. On the other hand, though, he concludes: As
a physician, after assessing the child, his family and school situation, I keep prescribing
Ritalin. My job is to ease suffering and Ritalin will help round- and octagonal-peg kids fit
into rather rigid square educational holes. (3)
This seemingly contradictory stance is the same one Alice and millions of other parents
face. Its not as if all parents readily accept the prescription of Ritalin. Alice, in fact,
incurred the wrath of her sons neurologist because she refused to give her son Adderall,
a combination of three different amphetamine-like stimulants often used as an
alternative to Ritalin. Increasingly over the past ten years or so, millions of parents are
nagged by their childrens physicians: If your child had diabetes, the doctors taunt, for
example, youd give him insulin wouldnt you?
What could I say to that? Alice asked me. Her question was not so much a call for
information as it was a need to express her hopelessness. It was encouraging to me that
she was angry, for anger is a great antidote to hopelessness. She was mad about the
treatment she had received from prior medical and mental health professionals, as well
as the lack of support from two opposing drug camps. Before I would hazard a possible
response for that neurologist, Alice and I talked about the feelings of relief, guilt, and
anger the Ritalin issue had caused for her family. Finally, I gave her what would have
been my response: the diagnosis of ADHD is, itself, fraudulent.
ADHD: Nothing but a Sham
A condition such as diabetes carries detectable physical evidence of diseaseabnormal
blood sugar levels, evidence of pancreatic malfunctionjustifying medical treatment.
Families confronted with the wouldnt you give insulin argument could begin by asking
the neurologist to provide medical evidence that a disease requiring treatment exists.
Between 1993 and 1997, neurologist Fred Baughman corresponded repeatedly with the
Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA), Ciba-Geigy
(now Novartis, manufacturers of Ritalin), and top ADHD researchers around the
countryincluding the National Institute of Mental Healthasking them to show him
any article(s) in the peer-reviewed scientific literature constituting proof of a physical or
chemical abnormality in ADHD and thereby qualifying it as a disease or a medical
syndrome. Through sheer determination and persistence, Dr. Baughman eventually got
these entities to admit that no objective validation of the diagnosis of ADHD exists.(4)
Prescribing Ritalin for something that is not a disease does not, in my estimation,
constitute a legitimate practice of medicine. If ADHD is not a disease, treating it
medically constitutes a fraud. Yet many physicians are true believers in medically
treating mental illness, despite the consistent lack of scientific evidence of mental
illness as a disease.(5) Herein lies the conflict for parents like Alice.
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The Significance of Oppression Theory
Victims of oppression are not only blamed for their condition, and usually thought to be
deserving of their inferior position, they are eventually conditioned to accept it as their
reality. As the great American writer James Baldwin stated: Its not the world that was
my oppressor, because what the world does to you, if the world does it to you long
enough and effectively enough, you begin to do it to yourself.(6) In what may be the
ultimate power play, a victim is, over time, conditioned to internalize, accept, and
ultimately, forget about the very fact that they are oppressed.
There are two specific forms of oppression that are pertinent to the discussion of
psychiatric drug use for children. The first is adultismthe systematic mistreatment of
young people by adults simply because they are young. Like other forms of oppression,
adultism is self-perpetuating: when we are treated poorly as children, we internalize the
idea and feelings that life is unfair; that rank and power should be used for personal
advantage; and that we are somehow unworthy of respect, incapable of clear thinking,
and unable to become our own authority.
The second form of oppression is what I call psychiatric oppression: the systematic
mistreatment of people labeled as mentally illincluding children diagnosed with
fictitious illnesses such as ADHD. Institutionalized in our society, psychiatry is also
guided by a worldview that embraces biopsychiatry.(7) Juxtaposed with adultism,
psychiatric diagnosis and treatment enforce the message that an ADHD child is
inadequate, defective, unworthy of complete respect, and in need of drugs to control and
cope with the effects of his or her illness.
Lies My Doctor Told Me
What exactly does it mean to help round- and octagonal-peg kids fit into rather rigid
square educational holes? I believe there are at least six fallacies that underlie the
rampant prescription of drugs like Ritalin to our children.
1. Social adjustment is good. While the ability to adjust socially may be important, it is
not always a good thing. In its most extreme form, social adjustment leads to
conformity and compliance, which has resulted in dire social phenomena, including
slavery and genocide. This seems a particularly aberrant notion in a society like ours,
which is so deeply grounded in the quest for individualism, free speech and association,
and the pursuit of happiness.
2. Children must learn to conform. When a child fails to adjust to school, we should at
the very least think about our abilities to consider the childs needs. It is certainly
important for children to learn how to get along in various situations, and how to avoid
drawing sanction upon themselves. Nevertheless, young children must be enabled to
express their unique gifts within their communities. It is a mistake to force our children
to fit molds imposed upon them according to the needs and conventions of the adult
order.
3. Failed social adjustment causes suffering. In our competitive culture, we tend to
view mistakes as negatives to be avoided. It is hard to accept the notion that mistakes
can be good, and actually, in fact, are the way we learn. We are obsessed with the notions
of success and failure. We judge a childs actions as success or failure according to our
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expectations and demands, not through the eyes of a developing child. Eventually, the
child internalizes both the standard and the evaluation: I failed to live up to the
expectations, therefore I am a failure. I would argue that it is not failure that causes
suffering, but rather it is oppressionin the form of adultismwhich imposes arbitrary
standards, and an adult shame-based worldview. This is what causes children to feel and
think of themselves as failures, and therein lies their suffering.
4. A physicians job is to ease suffering. Certainly it isthrough the practice of
medicine that incorporates compassionnot labeling, coercion, or guilt.
5. Ritalin helps children conform. Not always. Sometimes it makes them psychotic,
sometimes it makes them aggressive. Other times Ritalin makes children anxious or
nauseous. It can make some children feel suicidal. And for some children, Ritalin has
been a deadly prescription.(8) When it works well, the child is observed to produce
better in the classroom. This, the research shows us, is the only positive short-term
outcome. There are no positive long-term effects in any aspect of child functioning
social, behavioral, or academicassociated with the use of Ritalin.(9)
6. Therefore, giving your child Ritalin lets me ease her suffering. In an 1854 speech on
the Kansas-Nebraska Act, Abraham Lincoln said, I would consent to any great evil, to
avoid an even greater one.(10) Many parents feel the compulsion to punish or discipline
their child in hopes that even greater misfortune might not befall them. Given the reality
of todays oppressive society, and its lack of resolve to truly meet the needs of our
children, the argument goes, Ritalin may seem a better choice than continued pressure,
disapproval, and sanction.
This ease the suffering argument reveals one of the most consistent justifications for
the use of psychiatric drugs for children: on one level or another, Ritalin absolves each
person of his or her responsibility. The child is not responsible, hes sick. Parents,
doctors, the community, the medical and educational institutionsthe society at large
are relieved of their duty to meet the real needs of that child. We prescribe drugs; the
child conforms; the educational and medical institutions dont have to change; and our
standards of normalcy are passed on to the next generation of drug-assisted children
learning to fit into the mandated square hole. We have endless justifications that allow
us to conform to oppression with a seemingly clear conscience, while an estimated
5,000,000 children are on methylphenidate, and another 3,000,000 on other toxic
drugsgiven to them by adults who care for them. Some may call this medicine, but a
growing group of parents and others are beginning to see it as institutionalized child
abuse.
Sidebar: Suffer the Children?
Although ADHD does not exist as a real disease, it is a very real label imposed on
children, with very real consequences for the child. On a physical level, the
recommended drugs are toxic, and they have a long list of deleterious effects.(1)
Regarding Ritalin, the fact is that methylphenidate looks like an amphetamine
(chemically), acts like an amphetamine (effects), and is abused like an amphetamine
(recreational use, Emergency Room visits, pharmacy break-ins).(2) (parentheses mine)
On a psychological level, Ritalin produces two especially harmful effects. It deprives a
child of the right to develop a character and a way of living with self and world, in a drug-
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free state. Ritalin also creates a burden of shame, a conviction that a child who is on this
drug is somehow defective, unworthy, and neither lovable nor even acceptable in his or
her natural state.
These stimulant drugs for children truly are about enforcement of our cultures
preeminent value: productivity.(3) Amphetamines, as we have learned over the course of
the past century, increase output. But of course, with amphetamines, the trajectory is
usually crash and burn. In the US, millions of adults, and an alarmingly increasing
number of children, take psychiatric stimulants like Prozac to keep going and going.
Similarly, we give children as young as two years of age stimulant drugs to help their
impaired productivity. But wherein lies the suffering, in the failure to produce or
achieve, or in the so-called remedy we prescribe?
Sidebar: Ritalin UseSimply Out of Control
Psychiatric drug use by children in US schools is turning into an enormous problem. In
1970, an estimated 150,000 US children were taking Ritalin. By 1980, the estimates were
between 270,000 and 541,000--double the numbers of a decade before. By 1990, the
numbers doubled again; close to 900,000 children were on Ritalin. The Drug
Enforcement Agency (DEA) estimates there was a 700 percent increase in the production
of Ritalin between 1990 and 1997, 90 percent of which was consumed in the US.
Based on the available data, a realistic estimate of the number of school-age children on
Ritalin today in the US is 5 million. Considering that Ritalinlike other amphetamines, a
Schedule II controlled substance that carries a significant risk of abuserepresents 70
percent of the total prescriptions for amphetamine-like drugs, it is reasonable to
estimate that over 7 million US schoolchildren are on some sort of stimulant drug. We
can add close to 2 million children now on so-called antidepressants, so it appears that
over 8 million children in this country are on psychiatric drugs today. According to
census data from 1999, the US population for ages six to 18 is just under 51.5 million,
meaning approximately 15 percent of our schoolchildren are on psychiatric drugs. In
many schools and districts, the estimations are quite higher, as much as 20 or 40
percent. A study reported this year in the Journal of the American Medical Association
revealed that Ritalin prescriptions for two to four year olds increased 200 to 300 percent
between 1991 and 1995.(1)
In an era when we are constantly told to protect our children from drug abuse, it seems
there are some very disturbing exceptions to the rule.
This article is adapted from a report by John Breeding, which can be found at
www.wildestcolts.com.
Notes
Does ADHD Even Exist?
1. J. M. Zito, D. J. Safer, S. dosReis, J. F. Gardner, M. Boles, and F. Lynch, Trends in the
Prescribing of Psychotropic Medications to Preschoolers, JAMA 283 (2000): 1025-
1030.
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2. A Nation of Kids on Ritalin, an essay posted on Lawrence Dillers website:
www.docdiller.com.
3. Ibid.
4. See the website of neurologist Fred Baughman, MD, for information on the ADHD
fraud: www.adhdfraud.com.
5. See Peter Breggins book Toxic Psychiatry (St. Martins Press, 1991), or the journal
Ethical Human Sciences and Services, for evidence on the pseudoscience of
biopsychiatry.
6. Conversation between James Baldwin and Nicki Giovanni, November 4, 1971, A
Dialogue, cited in L. R. Frank, ed., Random House Websters Quotationary (New York:
Random House, 1998).
7. See John Breedings book The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses (Austin, Tex.:
Bright Books, 1996) or his website, www.wildestcolts.com, for a fuller exposition of the
belief system of biopsychiatry.
8. Dr. Fred Baughman is currently involved in three Ritalin death cases. His essay Who
Killed Stephanie Hall?, available on his website (see Note 4), tells of one of these three
and includes a brief review of relevant cardiac literature. An article by Caroline Kern in
the Oakland Press, April 14, 2000, entitled Prescription Drug, Not Skateboard Accident,
Killed Clawson Teen, reports on the most recent death in March of 14-year-old Matthew
Smith of Clawson, Michigan.
9. See Peter Breggin, Talking Back to Ritalin (Monroe, Maine: Common Courage Press,
1998) or Lawrence Diller, Running on Ritalin (New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1998)
for summaries of this research evidence.
10. Abraham Lincoln, speech on the Kansas-Nebraska Act, Peoria, Illinois, October 16,
1854. Cited in L. R. Frank, ed., Random House Websters Quotationary (New York:
Random House, 1998).
Suffer the Children?
1. Peter Breggin, Talking Back to Ritalin (Monroe, Maine: Common Courage Press,
1998).
2. Mary Eberstadt, Why Ritalin Rules, Policy Review 94 (1999): 24-44.
3. See John Breedings new e-book, The Necessity of Madness and Unproductivity:
Psychiatric Oppression or Human Transformation? (Online Originals, 2000), for an
explanation of how psychiatry acts to enforce our social mandate of relentless
productivity. (www.wildestcolts.com.)
Ritalin Use: Simply Out of Control
1. Zito et al., Trends in the Prescribing of Psychotropic Medications to Preschoolers,
JAMA 283 (2000): 1025-1030.
Wildest Colts
www.wildestcolts.com
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Scott Noelle
Scott Noelle is a parenting coach and writer who supports leading-edge parents on
their inner journey the paradigm shift required to enjoy successful parenting
through creative partnership. While the new parenting movement is replete with advice
on parental behaviors that support childrens optimal development, relatively little
information is available for parents on how to achieve the state of mind that gives rise to
those behaviors naturally and joyfully.
Scotts holistic approach integrates concepts from biology, anthropology, developmental
psychology, integral philosophy, and metaphysics. He enjoys bringing these and other
diverse concepts together and making them both accessible and practical for busy
parents.
Parents from every corner of the world have benefited from Scotts insights through
private telephone sessions. He also offers free support through The Daily Groove a
brief, inspiring and practical email message delivered every weekday which helps
parents stay focused in the new paradigm. A collection of these writings is available as a
book at www.enjoyparenting.com/books
Scott is also available to give keynote speeches, presentations, and workshops on a wide
range of parenting topics, including attachment parenting, continuum concept
parenting, alternatives to conventional discipline, natural learning (unschooling), and
parenting as a catalyst for personal evolution and spiritual growth.
To contact Scott, read his articles, or learn more about his services, visit
www.scottnoelle.com
To subscribe to The Daily Groove, visit www.enjoyparenting.com
Scott lives in the United States, near Seattle, with his wife and two children.
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The Art of Unconditionality
by Scott Noelle
Unconditional love is widely considered to be one of the most valuable gifts that parents
can give their children.
Ironically, many parents set out to love their children unconditionally and then feel bad
about themselves when they fall short. In other words, their self-esteem is conditional
contingent upon their success at loving unconditionally!
Some parents believe that giving selflessly to their children is proof of their
unconditional love. But parental self-sacrifice is an insidious form of conditionality that
diminishes both parent and child. Its true colors are exposed when the self-sacrificing
parent eventually snaps and says, How can you treat me that way after all Ive sacrificed
for you!?
What gets us in trouble is focusing too much on what were doing and not enough on
how were being. The behavior of unconditional loving (what we do) arises from a
particular state of mind (how we be), and I call that state of mind unconditionality. It
makes the difference between superficially unconditional love and the real thing. And
our kids can feel that difference!
Lets take a closer look at this, starting with a practical definition of unconditionality:
Unconditionality is a state of mind in which you are willing to
allow well-being into your experience... NO MATTER WHAT.
This definition implies that the experience of well-being is always available to you that
you can have more well-being simply by letting it in. There are many people in this world
perhaps you know some of them whose lives seem to prove this point. They have a
high level of well-being despite poverty, disabilities, an abusive childhood, or other
circumstances about which most people would feel quite unwell. But its not that well-
being is somehow more available to them, its that they are more skilled at achieving the
state of unconditionality that lets it in.
Unconditionality is selfish in the best sense of the word, because your own well-being
becomes your top priority. You give to your child only what you can give happily, and
that sets in motion a pattern of giving that continually increases your well-being instead
of feeling like a drain. This leads to more generosity, not less.
Unconditionality increases your sense of freedom; it never limits your choices. Its
entirely possible to be in the state of unconditionality and passionately desire conditions
to change.
Unconditionality increases your creativity as you deliberately create the inner
experiences you desire, regardless of external conditions. So you can have not only
unconditional love, but also...
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unconditional joy
unconditional peace
unconditional acceptance
unconditional appreciation
unconditional empowerment
And the list goes on... Whatever you want to experience!
An Inside Job
Notice, however, that the list doesnt include unconditional obedience because your
childs obedience is an external condition.
Unconditionality is an inside job. Its about how you interpret external conditions. Its
powerful because, while you cant always control conditions, you can always change your
mind. You can always find thoughts that feel better (or at least bring you some relief)
when you think them. And how you think eventually influences outer conditions.
You might ask, Well, what if my child wont obey me? Theres nothing joyful about
that!
And I would ask, Are you sure?
You see, if you decide up front that youre going to enjoy your relationship with your
child unconditionally no matter what then what you are actually doing is opening
up your creative channels. You are saying to yourself, I dont know how Im going to pull
this off, but Im open to finding a way to enjoy (or appreciate, or be at peace with, etc.)
anything that happens between me and my child.
Once a state of unconditionality is well established, uplifting thoughts will come rushing
in through those open channels even when your child chooses not to obey you and
you will find a way to enjoy, accept, appreciate, or otherwise feel good about your child
(and yourself) in that moment.
But in a state of conditionality letting external conditions determine how you feel
your childs disobedience would trigger a cascade of negative thoughts:
My child doesnt respect me.
Im a terrible parent.
Other parents wont respect me if I let my child get away with this.
If my child doesnt learn obedience, she might run out into a busy street!
How is he going to get along in the world if he cant follow rules?
And before you knew it, youd feel as if your child were about to die or go to prison!
Conditions would likely worsen because your child would intuitively feel your fear and
negative expectation, and his or her nature is to obey that.
In other words, what you say you want your child to do is less influential than the vibes
you are putting out, which can be roughly divided into two categories: resisting or
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allowing. You are either resisting conditions or allowing well-being, and you can tell
which way youre going by how you feel. Resistance feels bad, heavy, or tense; allowing
feels good, light, or relieving.
What kind of thoughts are likely to come to you in a state of unconditionality?
Nothing is worth sacrificing my peace for.
Its good to know that my well-being is not dependent on what anyone else does or
thinks.
Im bigger than this. Im more powerful than this condition.
My child is reminding me that having control over others is unimportant.
I appreciate that my child is not a mindless lemming!
My child is learning to find his own way.
I love that my child knows what she wants.
Im grateful to my child for giving me this opportunity to practice unconditionality.
And so on... Now you are emanating a vibe that your child instinctively knows is the
Authentic Flavor of Life. It is irresistibly yummy! And while theres no guarantee that
youll get the obedience you originally wanted, its a certainty that the quality of your
relationship will improve in that moment, because you have unilaterally uplifted it!
Over time, your ever-improving relationship will make the issue of obedience more-or-
less irrelevant. Each of you will be obeying your natural desire to enjoy the
relationship. This applies to any behavior issue.
An Unconditional Surrender
I remember a particularly stress-filled evening when my first child, Olivia, was two years
old and she refused to get in her carseat. We were on our way home after an all-day
excursion and had just stopped at a gas station. My wife and I were exhausted and we
just didnt have the energy for a struggle.
But old habits die hard, and I struggled anyway, eventually trying to force her into the
carseat. And she bless her fiery heart would have none of it! She fought with every
fiber of her being to uphold her dignity, until I finally gave up. I surrendered. But I was
not defeated; I simply realized that I could have a much better time doing anything other
than fighting my beloved child.
So I relaxed and told her she didnt have to get in the carseat. I decided that I was willing
to wait patiently in that parking lot until she was ready to buckle up and go, voluntarily. I
told myself, I dont need conditions to change in order to feel peace now, and I looked
for something anything more pleasant to focus on.
My solution was to rest my chin on the steering wheel and indulge in the simple pleasure
of people-watching there were plenty of interesting people coming and going about the
gas station. (This isnt rocket science! Just reach for any thought that brings relief or
feels better when you think it.)
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Meanwhile, my daughter, feeling the shift from resistance to freedom and lightness,
dawdled and tinkered with the various knobs and buttons in the car for about three
minutes. Then she climbed into her carseat and let me buckle her in without protest.
I believe this rapid return to peace was, in part, due to the fact that I was willing to wait
forever meaning, I was totally focused in the present. In other words, my
unconditionality gave her the space and time she needed to find her own way. And with
that sense of freedom, we both found a way that was in accord with our shared desire for
peace, freedom, and respect.
My story illustrates the paradox in which unconditionality leads to positive changes in
conditions, but it doesnt work if your intent is merely to change the conditions! Youve
got to make a commitment to unconditionality for its own sake because you want the
power to enjoy life under any conditions.
Our children give us ample opportunities to practice this, and sometimes they persist
with undesired behaviors until we get it. Its as if theyre saying, Mom, Dad... Id really
like to go along with you, but Im going to wait until youve let go of the idea that I have
to change for you to feel okay... I dont want to deprive you of the wonderful feeling of
knowing where your well-being really comes from.
Unconditionality empowers you to create what you want from the inside out, while
conditionality requires change from the outside in. When you truly shift inside, you can
taste the deliciousness of well-being instantly, and any subsequent outer change is just
icing on the cake.
Copyright 2005 by Scott Noelle. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted With Permission.
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The Daily Groove
by Scott Noelle
Despite considerable social progress over the last 100 years, parents are still expected to
civilize their children even if that means becoming their adversaries using
punishments, threats, or subtler forms of coercion. When we reject that path in favor of a
gentler approach that works with human nature rather than against it, we open a gap
between our cultural conditioning and our ideals. I publish The Daily Groove to assist
parents in bridging that gap.
The old, adversarial perspective isnt taught to us explicitly; we pick it up by osmosis as
participants in a competitive culture. So the best way to internalize the new perspective
of creative partnership is to get immersed in it. Reading The Daily Groove takes less
than two minutes a day, but each message is designed to influence your whole day. Here
are two examples of the kind of thought-provoking messages Daily Groove subscribers
receive five days a week...
A Human Becoming
In a product-oriented culture, theres a
tendency to productize and package
people. We often forget that a human being is
a living process a human becoming.
Children are especially dynamic often
visibly different from one day to the next
and no two children develop precisely the
same way. This can be a challenge for us
when weve been conditioned to need the
predictability (read: controllability) of static
products.
Many parent-child struggles can be avoided
simply by allowing children to be different
than they were the previous day, or even the
previous minute! A toddler may hate peas
at the beginning of the meal and love them
by the end of the meal, provided the parent
doesnt pronounce the child a pea-hater in
the interim.
Today, be mindful of the way you talk about
your child. Note that labels tend to
productize. You can avoid labels by focusing
on the process. For example, hes a fussy
eater becomes hes figuring out his tastes.
Especially avoid always and never
statements like she never brushes her teeth
willingly. Someday she will. :-)
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Emotional Midwifery
Today, if your child behaves in a way that you
find particularly annoying or upsetting, try
this perspective:
My childs behavior is not whats
really upsetting me. The behavior is
triggering unresolved feelings that
have nothing to do with the present
situation.
In other words, your child is doing you a
favor! Your child is giving you an opportunity
to heal to resolve an old hurt and release
the stress its been creating.
You dont even have to figure out the cause of
the unresolved feeling. Just allow yourself to
feel it, and it will resolve naturally. The
following will help:
Take some deep breaths and locate the
feeling in your body.
Dont judge, express, or react to the
feeling; just be present with it, and let
yourself experience it, even if it hurts.
(Notice it hurts less if you dont resist it.)
Be like an empowering midwife to the
feeling, which is giving birth to new
awareness, clarity, and freedom.
Silently bless your child for playing a
part in your healing.
To subscribe to The Daily Groove, visit www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove
Copyright 2006 by Scott Noelle. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted With Permission.
110
Beverley Paine
Beverley Paine, a pioneering member of the home educating movement in Australia,
continues to offer her practical experience and advice to prospective home educating
families. In 1989 she began the newsletter South Australian Home Based Learners, and
in 1995 started the Fleurieu Home Based Learners Network. Her experience includes
working with children ranging in age from toddlers to adolescents in both school and
home learning situations. She studied Early Childhood Education at the University of
South Australia, and has home educated her own children since 1986.
Her flexible attitude to education inspires confidence and enthusiasm for home learning.
She is a firm supporter of the right of parents to determine their own family's
educational needs. Beverley sees education as dynamic, with an emphasis on reflecting
the immediate and future educational, social and developmental needs of children, their
families and their communities.
Beverley writes and publishes home education titles which she sells from home through
her online business, Always Learning Books. With her husband, Robin, she is developing
the Bungala Ridge Permaculture Gardens Natural Learning Centre and Curriculum.
Beverley lives on four and a half acres in a small country town on the Fleurieu Peninsula
in South Australia. As her children move into early adult life Beverley is embracing a
lifelong ambition to write fiction. Her first novel, a young adult science fiction thriller,
The Chimera Conspiracy, was published in March 2002 by Greater Glider Publications.
For more information about Beverleys books, please see the Always Learning Book
Catalogue
Beverley also manages the Homeschool Australia website and produces a regular e-zine
on home education.
Copyright Beverley Paine
111
The Big Picture: Looking For The Perfect School
by Beverley Paine
In one way or another we have all been touched by the school experience. It is
inescapable. Though some of us home educate our children with confidence and
conviction from the time of their births, many of us are refugees from the school system
and often spend our time looking for the perfect school.
Those few that instinctively saw home education as a natural progression from their
childs birth, through the toddler years and into the present day, gave the education of
their children careful consideration. They thought about what education is and what it
means, not only for their family but for society as a whole. They researched different
educational philosophies, found curriculum materials that best reflected their values and
preferred methods, planned learning programs for their children, or simply continued
helping them learn as they had done since birth, seeing no need to change such a
successful formula. These families tend to become surer of their choice as the learning
journey unfolds, content and happy with their home education practice.
Twelve months before April, our eldest child, turned six we hadnt heard of
homeschooling. Once we discovered that parents werent as welcome in the classroom as
they were in kindergarten, our desire to continue our close involvement with our
childrens education and development led us to seek alternatives to enrolling her in the
local school. Voluntary work once a week in the canteen or school gardens wasnt enough
to reassure us that our daughters education would unfold the way we desired. In
addition, we didnt want to be parted from this little treasure who had blessed our life
with much happiness. Home education seemed the perfect answer.
However, like most homeschooling parents, I often experienced phases of doubt and
disillusionment when Id search for a suitable school for one or all of my children. There
were also times when, tired and worn out with the responsibility of being on duty
twenty-four hours a day, I secretly longed to send my children to school. During these
phases we investigated small community schools, alternative life-style schools, state
schools, Montessori, and Steiner schools. As a result of my wavering confidence in home
education, all three of my children have spent time, either part-time or full-time, at
school.
All parents want their children to attend the perfect school. But for too many of us,
schools are far from perfect. There are some of us who, with the benefit of hindsight,
believe that we persisted in the school system longer than we should have, hoping that
our voluntary efforts in our childrens classrooms would make a difference. And there are
those of us who pleaded with teachers and principals for years, hoping to achieve
individual attention and learning programs better suited to our childrens particular
needs. And then there are those that come to home education through some kind of
crisis or another. All of us continue in our daily homeschooling adventure, always casting
one eye on mainstream education, still looking for that perfect school. Were not alone.
Millions of parents, teachers, and educational reformers around the world are searching
for the perfect school. For many years I truly believed that the perfect school could
exist
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Before 1986 we were a regular family with normal educational ambitions for our
children. We participated in Nursing Mothers, Playgroup, Kindergarten, and were both
registered as Family Day Care Providers. We were interested and actively involved in
community education. We thought wed enjoy the next phase of our childrens education,
but the local public school didnt share our hands on idea of educational involvement.
We began to look at alternative schools, but on a test trip for a planned, much longer,
trek around Australia we met a family of homeschoolers. Our eyes were suddenly
opened, our imagination liberated. We began homeschooling.
That should read: home schooling, of the school-at-home kind. Turning our homes into
classrooms is where most of us begin. Its what we know, what we have personally
experienced, and with what we feel most comfortable. Even with increasing support for a
variety of different approaches available currently, school-at-home is the most widely
recognised and accepted form of home education.
By the end of the first year wed settled into a more natural learning style and rhythm. It
took another six years before I fully abandoned most of the classroom methods of
teaching or coaxing my children to learn things I felt were important, or were included in
the curriculum documents and books Id collected. The passage of time slowly proved the
superiority of the home environment. I finally rejected the methods embraced by the
contrived and artificial institutionalised approach to education. Home schooling didn't
suit our children, our family, or our lifestyle.
However, before our foray into natural learning, during my period of wavering
confidence, I searched for, and found, what we thought was the perfect school.
Home educators everywhere battle with the constant issue of socialisation. Most of us
reject school socialisation for good reasons. It is only natural for children to play with
other children, in their neighbourhoods and in each others homes. But as societies
became industrialised and schooling became compulsory the opportunity for children to
play freely with one another all but disappeared. Its mostly found in limited bursts in
school playgrounds. When our eldest child was six and a half, with more than a year of
homeschooling experience behind her, she asked for more friends to share her play. At
that time schools offered the only easily available access to children. This is a temptation
that even now most home educators still face: a return to school to satisfy their childrens
need for regular access to a range of friends.
Without access to friends through Church, regular sporting or other extra-curricula
activities, we knew that April and her brothers would find it difficult to make friends in
the small country town where we lived. With a population of less than two hundred
people our town was tiny! Most families lived on farms several kilometres from town.
School looked tempting but had no provision for involvement other than reading to
children an hour a week, gardening or canteen work. We researched alternatives, seeking
a classroom environment that would offer the kind of education we wanted for our
children as well as providing access for our involvement in that process. In 1988 we
moved to Yankalilla and enrolled April and Roger in the Annexe, an alternative class
attached to the district Area School, where parent participation was valued by all. After a
week try out, we knew this un-graded class, with children aged between five and
thirteen years, offered our family the opportunities we wanted and needed to learn, to
play, and to have fun.
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The Annexe was, and still is, a small community of learners, nestled within a public Area
school. The main school, as we came to call it, supplied many of the expensive
resources, such as buildings, teachers, library, and access to specialised facilities and
materials. The childrens parents in the Annexe supplied a wide variety of teaching skills,
social events, and resources. The children supplied the much desired social interaction
for April and her brothers.
The Annexe, which is still operating, boasts a living room, a kitchen, a laboratory, a
garden, an orchard, an art and craft room, a hall, a classroom, a playground with over
one and a half acres for an average of twenty five students It definitely sounded ideal!
Play was highly valued for the educational role it has in childrens lives. The curriculum
was child-centred, and determined, for the most part, by the parents. Anything up to six
parents in the classroom every day was a common and welcome occurrence. I was able to
attend and stay all day everyday with my children, even Thomas, then only eighteen
months old. Robin and I taught art and craft, maths, English, Indonesian, drama,
science and technology. We organised excursions, camps and after-school social
activities, and represented the class on the Area School Council.
In hindsight we were really homeschooling our children at school. It was easy. The place
was like a big home, an extended family the perfect school.
When I talk about the Annexe homeschoolers usually ask, with eager faces, where is it?
The urge to find the perfect school is strong in almost every homeschooling parent.
In reality attending school was forever a compromise. After nearly two years we re-
applied for registration as home educators, choosing to remain within the Annexe on a
part time basis. In 1994 we severed ties completely. After six years of school experience
we ultimately chose home education.
Home education is the only education that offers parents uncompromised excellence and
total accountability: accountability based on an understanding of the responsibilities
involved in the education process, not just of children, but all learners.
Accountability in education is often a motivator and driver of school reform. It is most
often voiced as the concern that children are not learning to read and write, to spell, or
do maths. One country compares its standardised test results to another country, and
wonders how to improve the educational outcomes of its students. School reform is
never far from the political agenda.
Many of us believe, and from time to time Ive quoted this as one of our reasons for
homeschooling to the media and departmental officers, that the trouble with school lies
in the ever increasing cutbacks in funding with a resultant decreasing access to
resources. However, John Taylor Gatto, the winner of the New York Teacher of the Year
Award in 1991 and author of Dumbing Us Down, points out that over 100 academic
studies have failed to show any compelling connection between money and learning.
Since the opening of the first public school, advocates of school based education have
told us that more money buys better results. They continue to push this lie and most
people foolishly continue to believe it. Every year hundreds of millions of dollars are
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invested in educational reform in Australia and overseas, and there is no convincing
evidence that any of it realises better educational outcomes for all students.
From my own personal observation it seems that children are no better educated now
than when I was a student. Standards appear to be declining, and more students are
being failed by schools than ever before. Our children arent the ones failing in school: it
is the schools that are failing to provide our children with the opportunities they
individually need to progress in their development.
What hope is there then for the idea of a perfect school? If money cant secure us the
schools we need and want for our children, what will?
I truly believe society needs effective and efficient schools. The majority of children will
be educated in schools, and for many years to come. Thinking about the future can be a
chilling exercise. Even the experts acknowledge that by the year 2020 the majority of
public school students will be living under conditions that place them at risk of
educational failure. The trend toward higher percentages of poorly housed,
malnourished, abused, and neglected children sadly continues as the gap between rich
and poor grows.
School reform offers only one ray of hope for these children of tomorrow. Research into
the lives of children living in impoverished conditions show that positive educational
change happens only when the schools these children attend develop a strong sense of
community. Successful schools are considered those that function as communities of
support for the students, the staff and the wider community.
A sense of community occurs when people value individuals in an holistic way; their
physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well being. It occurs when people support
each other in their endeavours; when learning is not isolated from immediately
meaningful activity and where the workload of everyday life is shared and valued. John
Peacock, author of The Why and How of Australian Home Education has a handy
phrase for this: communities of practice.
Educational research consistently tells us that parental nurture, and active involvement
in childrens educational development, leads to higher academic and social achievement.
I believe this is one reason why home education is so effective and successful. John
Peacock, among others, show us that home education has as many educational and
empowering outcomes for parents as it does for children. This is because these home
educating families, or small communities of practice, value learning as a major focus for
all family members, not just for the children.
It is the nurturing of the development of all individuals in a learning environment, the
building of mutual communities of support, and the natural reciprocal nature of the
educational process found in all homeschooling families, that offer the amazing success
we share. This is what the educational reformers seem to be missing in their efforts to
create the perfect school.
If we look at the development of education in society as a whole, we can see that
education originally occurred through face-to-face interaction. People passed on
knowledge to one another at a personal level. This is still the most important way we
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transmit knowledge and culture in society. We talk to each other, demonstrate skills,
exchange ideas and knowledge, teach by example, and then talk some more. Most of our
daily communication with others is non-verbal. Non-verbal communication is still vastly
unrecognised in the school based education system.
Two centuries ago the development of the printing press ensured that books became the
basis of school education. Books have played a significant role in the evolution of our
culture and society and will continue to do so. However, the over-emphasis on books in
educational practice has come at a tremendous cost. The loss of conversational learning,
the back bone of our evolved culture, is one victim of a book-oriented education. Add to
this the loss of oral story telling, the traditional way of passing information from one
generation to another, and weve lost a slice of our social and communal spirituality.
The advent of the radio, and later the television began a journey toward even more
passive ways of receiving information and skills. Although widely seen as a curse,
television is underestimated for the power it wields on the everyday education of the
general population. Unlike books, television requires little or no literacy skills and is
widely accessible. Although generally used for entertainment, it disseminates
information on a wide range of topics in many differing formats. Television has had a
major impact on the education of both children and adults in the community. Add to this
the computer and the Internet. All three continue to revolutionise education in ways
none could imagine a few decades ago.
Television, computers and the Internet challenge books as the modern transmitters of
learning. They have reduced the traditional barriers between education and the general
population. Education is no longer something the elite control and dole out in measured
doses to suit their own political purposes. Education is slowly evolving to meet the
changes in society. We are long past the Industrial Age, and compulsory education of the
masses is slowly catching up with that fact. Community and education are becoming
inseparable.
There is a growing trend for individuals and communities to take back what was once
undeniably theirs: the rights and responsibility to educate at the local level. We are
beginning to witness, through educational reform, a decentralisation and deregulation of
education. Individuals and communities are taking control, not by force, but by gradual
grass roots action. Not because individuals or communities have to, but because it makes
sense. Research tells us this; common sense tells us this; our practice as home educators
confirm this. In his book, Educating Children At Home, Alan Thomas reveals that, in
order to study individualised teaching and learning practices, educators are turning to
home education, as this is the only place it can be found. We can, and do, show the way.
Homeschoolers are beginning to have an affect on society. This is becoming more
evident, particularly in the United States, where civil action has lead to the changing of
laws which allow recognition of parental rights to educate children within the home.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, home educators are allies in the constant and
continuous effort to reform schooling. We need to maintain this work. We are working
with schools for educational reform, but on a different front, in a different way. The work
we do is essential.
We exist in a vast experimental education laboratory, forging ahead with radical
experiments in learning theory. Not because we think about it, or do it consciously, but
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because the learning environment of the home dictate novel and innovative educational
approaches methods, driven by the individual learning styles and needs of our children,
and our solemn responsibility to be accountable. As parents we have no choice we cant
fail our own children!
The results we obtain matter. They matter mostly in our own personal private worlds
and lives, but also to society. In many ways home educators are different from schools:
we refuse to deal with uncertain futures and concentrate instead on the very certain
present. This immediacy of programming works to our advantage, keeping us flexible,
keeping the educational process dynamic. Evaluation is ongoing and immediate. Unlike
the huge educational monolith of public education we can be responsive to changes in
society, our fingers on the pulse of modern life.
Long ago, long before my children were born, I dreamed of the perfect school. I saw a
college of education, a place where people contracted to learn skills or knowledge. Where
they pledged a commitment, whether by money, bartering or trust, to work with others
in the pursuit of education. All comers were equal, children, adolescents, mums and
dads, grandparents, workers. At this college of education anyone could teach as long as
they followed a few simple rules; rules relating to human dignity and respect.
The person who cares and loves his or her work will always gather followers, eager to
learn something anything from the master. True discipline and motivation
engenders success. There would be no compulsion for anyone to attend such a college,
but educated people would be highly sought in the community, not because of a piece of
paper, a certificate or qualification, but because the community recognised the worth of
the self-educated person.
The responsibility for learning would be returned to where it belongs, with the learner.
This, above all else, would be respected. This college represents, to me, a vision of the
perfect school.
For now, my home is the closest I have come to finding this perfect school. Our homes,
our individual homeschools, are very like my envisaged college. We operate our home
education programs like this college would. We allow our children access to masters and
experts, people who love their work. We take our children to where the learning is
happening in real, not contrived, ways offering them meaningful learning in the context
of their everyday lives.
Our homes are already the communities of support John Peacock speaks of, full of the
nurturing so essential to educational success. This is the example we offer to school
reformers. School is not the same as education, and should never be confused with
education. However, education can and does happen in schools, and it is in the interests
of all of society to see that the best educational experiences are available for all students,
of all ages.
Home education is a model of learning that works, efficiently and effectively. It has
worked for millennia and proven its worth beyond doubt. Home educators can help the
process of sensible school reform by fostering partnerships with schools and other
models of education, in a spirit of sharing so that we may all grow and prosper. For the
sake of children, for the sake of learners, everywhere.
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Overcoming Anxieties About Homeschooling
by Beverley Paine
Although we unschooled for years I was forever uneasy in my mind. Defining and
naming what we actually did at home helped to lessen the anxiety. Im the kind of
person that likes to call a spade a spade because if I ask for a spade when I want a shovel
I work inefficiently as a result. People get confused if Im not accurate with my
vocabulary, and so do I.
I prefer to use the term 'learning naturally' and believe that all of us learn in each and
every minute: it's like breathing, and just as unavoidable. Sometimes what we learn isn't
what we thought we'd learn from a particular moment in time, but we're learning
nonetheless.
Unschooling is an okay definition and serves a useful purpose but some people believe
it's akin to permissive parenting and I don't think it's that at all. To me it simply means
as John Holt originally intended, education happening outside of school. It has a radical
tone to it, a note of protest. It says we dont like school and need to undo whatever it is
they do in schools
Homeschooling is too vague: it can mean school at home, correspondence or distance
education, using a structured sequential curriculum or following personal interests in an
eclectic manner, or whatever. The school in homeschooling is always an issue as most of
us dont see ourselves as schools and find that it evokes a particular kind of image of
parent as teacher passively doling out packets of learning to a set timetable, marking
assignments and exams and awarding certificates The word home in homeschooling is
also often a problem as homeschoolers learn in many other places too.
Over two decades I did a little of everything with my children, always in a conscious way,
and this including full and part-time enrolment at school. The most successful approach
was always allowing them to learn naturally. This approach is often called natural
learning. It's way more efficient than any other method and seems to be able to
encompass all methods of 'learning'.
For example, Thomas, my youngest, is studying electronics by distance education for a
while but he's learning how to make movies by mucking about with cameras and his
computer. He uses whatever learning tools and resources are best suited to his need and
interest. We helped him develop this skill over time, mostly by example, but also by
actively encouraging him to think about his needs and wants and who he is as a person.
Natural learning doesnt focus so much on the where or how its not school and its not
just being at home. It happens all the time regardless of the where or how. Using the
term learning naturally allows us to focus on the learning, to give it prominence. This
makes sure that were always busy little learners!
Being a homeschooling mum can be an anxious business because we're going against
societal 'norms'. It's hard to be different and stay up beat about it all the time. I keenly
felt the social isolation from homeschooling in the early years: suddenly I couldn't visit
118
my friends because their kids were at school and they didn't want to be surrounded by
other people's kids... I think the social isolation hit me harder than it did my kids. Then I
had to deal with the insecurities that came with finding homeschooling families that 'did
it better' than us! It took years to shut up my inner critic, the one that whispered in my
ear every day that I wasn't good enough, that I would naturally fail my children, that
other people could do it because they were smarter, university educated, better mothers,
had more money, had gifted children, and so on. Meanwhile people began to come to me
for homeschooling advice!
The only thing I could offer was what my heart felt to be true according to the voice of
the still present child within me. Id tell them to think about this: what do you need to
feel okay right now? Forget about your child, forget about the critics, forget about the
future even. Unless we look after our own emotional well being we can't be totally
available to help others, and often we need to be, especially as mothers. When I listened
to the voice of the child within me I would always find solutions I could work with to
solve whatever parenting or educational problem I faced.
Sometimes I would ask my children to work from text books because it would calm my
anxieties that they werent learning enough in a timely fashion. I usually told them that
there was a good chance they'd learn something useful from doing the exercises required
of them in the books, and that there was a good chance they wouldn't. But what would
happen is that my momentary paranoia ("my children aren't learning anything! I'm not a
good homeschooling mum!") would disappear as I watched my children work. More
often than not they'd breeze through the pages... Somehow, without practice they'd be
able to spell words they hadn't been able to six months before, or understand maths
concepts without having learned them... Life is a fantastic teacher and children are
programmed to learn. And learn they do, very efficiently, without our interference.
To help me overcome my recurring anxieties I would regularly ask the children to do
school at home for a couple of weeks. During this time Id program furiously, in the role
of teacher, and record meticulously everything they did. Wed open the text books, do
unit studies and projects, start science experiments, fill our days with endless busy work
if necessary. The children knew that they were doing the bookwork to help me rather
than to learn anything in particular. This made it easy for all of us as the motivation was
real, even if the activity itself wasn't...
My children grew up confident that they could learn anything they wanted to at any time
in their lives and that self-motivation is the key. As young adults my children are now
learning that knowing oneself is the key to self-motivation. They are discovering that
when the things they think they want aren't happening it's often because other people
expect them to want those things. Or they think other people expect them to want them.
As they discover more about whom they are as individuals they are finding that achieving
what they really want is very easy. When you are doing what you love life comes easy. I
found that untangling myself from the expectations of others, both in my mind and in
theirs, one of the hardest things to do in my life.
I watch my 17 year old and see that he's almost conquered that goal already... thanks to
learning naturally! He is our only child not tainted by school experience and who has had
the least amount of homeschooling.
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Thomas refused to do anything that didn't make sense to him. Often I would need to
explain why we do things the way we do, why it might be useful for him to consider doing
things in a similar way. He'd consider them and then, more often than not, say they still
didn't make sense and continue to refuse to do them. I had to change my ideas and ways
and search for solutions that made sense in every which way, not just for him or me, but
for most people and situations. One of my surprising discoveries is that life is actually
very simple and the simplest solution is often the most effective.
If a child doesn't want to draw right now, then teaching him how to draw shadows right
now doesn't make sense. When he wants to know how to draw shadows he will find the
right tools, and one of them may be to access a tutor (book or person) that will show him.
Or he might use observation and experimentation. Schools fail to reach their lofty goals
for all students because 99% of what they ask children to do is contrived. That makes it
pretty meaningless to most children. Some children don't have access to a range of tools
when they want to learn thats a sad indictment of how little we value children in our
society.
Having made the decision to educate our children outside of schools we're in a position
to offer our children whatever tools for learning they need, when they need them, not
before!
We wrote our own curriculum and educational program based on where our children
were at, what we wanted for them, and what they needed. I read the national and state
curriculum guidelines but most of it wasn't relevant to one child learning outside of a
classroom. And most of it was unrealistic, particularly in the classroom setting. There is
no accountability within the school system: when the curriculum fails to deliver what it
promises for all children, the children and their families are blamed, not the curriculum.
As a homeschooler its impossible to fail your children without failing yourself. The
motivation to successfully educate our children is high and that keeps us on our toes,
albeit a little anxiously, always looking for better ways to individualise the educational
process for our children.
Copyright Beverley Paine, Nov 2004
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Everyone can Homeschool: Intelligence and
Educational Knowledge isn't a Prerequisite for
Starting to Teach Your Children at Home
by Beverley Paine
A friend recently said, "It's okay for you to homeschool, Beverley, you know what you are
doing, but what about people who didn't finish school, who aren't so intelligent?"
I get this a lot and it bugs me. These people usually know me as I am today, not twenty
years ago when I began homeschooling. They haven't been on the entire journey with us.
I don't think 'intelligence', or 'intelligent homeschooling' as a concept, is necessarily a
prerequisite for homeschooling. I've met parents who haven't got a clue about how to
educate their children and operate from a really basic position for the first year or so.
They're refugees from the system, usually desperate and unwilling homeschoolers, but
left without any other sane choice. These parents operate on one principle only in those
early weeks and months: the need to protect their children. These are folks who haven't
heard of attachment parenting or alternative educational approaches and philosophies.
They just want their children to be able to learn to spell and calculate in an environment
that respects their uniqueness... Over time, with support, these families discover that
home educating educates them: in short, they begin to use their natural intelligence, long
since atrophied, often thanks to the kind of school experiences they endured. Ultimately
'intelligent homeschooling' evolves, but it can take several years!
The best thing about homeschooling is that we're always learning: if something doesn't
work we don't have any compelling reason not to dump it and try something else.
Schools don't have this freedom. We're answerable to ourselves and our children. We
don't have to implement methods or teach our children things they don't need to know
simply because it's in the curriculum, or because the parent body think it's a good idea
(educational fashions and fads abound in schools, and once they take hold they're hard
to get rid of, even if it's obvious they don't work). Homeschoolers move much more
quickly through the silly stuff and begin working with children on an individual basis,
thus accelerating the learning process and making it more meaningful. Homeschooling is
largely a self-correcting approach to education!
The other thing that all homeschoolers do, whether in a deliberate and conscious way
like me, or simply because they come up against a problem and need to find solutions, is
continually learn about the process of education. Because we're not teaching one age
group every year, our understanding of how children learn and grow is constantly
challenged, unlike school teachers. This keeps us on our feet. Collectively we've built up a
considerable knowledge base and most of what we've learned over the last 30-40 years is
now online on the internet. There are hundreds of thousands of pages dedicated to how
children learn in just about any environment, from homes, to caravans, to boats, to tents,
to classes... We're at the forefront of educational research a living laboratory
experiment. The world of school is beginning to sit up and take notice of our successes,
while doing their level best to make us to conform to methods and ideas that have simply
outlived their usefulness!
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Looking back - what would I change?
by Beverley Paine
My youngest turned sixteen last week. I guess that means we're officially traversing the
barrier between child and adult, dependent and independent. Thomas is still learning, as
we all continue to do, but for some time now my responsibility for his education has been
diminishing as he takes over. It's a weird and wonderful time - but only in my head: no
one else notices it!
For some time now I've given consideration to the question - what would I change if I
had the chance to start again? It's a tough question for me as ultimately such a question
can't help but arouse thoughts of regret, something I'm dreadfully allergic to.
I've found it hard, over the years, to shake off the educational ideology I grew up with.
Cultural conditioning and socialisation meant that 'listening to my heart' as a parent and
home educator continually gave rise to intellectual and emotional conflict. No one told
me that having children or 'teaching' them at home would change the way I viewed the
world and experienced life. The adventure I've shared with my children challenged my
values, thoughts and beliefs. My intense interest in how learning occurs, and how I might
best help my children learn, led me to consider how I might best help myself learn and to
see myself as a life long learner - something I only fully realised after several years of
homeschooling.
So it's hard to look back and find things that I would change because, on the whole, I like
the person I am today, which is more than I could say for how I felt seventeen years ago
when our homeschooling adventure began. I still have the list of homeschooling goals I
presented to the education department back then - top of the list was "to develop self
confidence and self esteem". I felt that I didn't have sufficient of either of these as I
entered adult life and there was no way I wanted my children to suffer the same fate.
Our haphazard and untidy homeschooling methodology paid surprising dividends. We're
very happy with the level of self confidence and self esteem our young adult children
display. We're also pleased with their sound grasp of who they are as individuals, even
though they aren't overly social, outgoing or ambitious (have you noticed how society
always parades those kinds of people as the desirable kind?) I think the journey has been
a success because it was underpinned by a sensible, balanced and consistent
homeschooling philosophy that had at its centre consideration of the child's thoughts,
feelings, interests, needs and wants.
There have been many times that I've felt a complete homeschooling failure (not a month
goes by that I still don't!). Sometimes it's all too easy to buy into the 'regrets' philosophy.
April, my eldest, feels that television wasn't a good idea, although we rarely watched it,
and then mostly for documentaries or movies. The same could be said for computers,
and computer games, which were restricted until the children were older, but not
because of age; we simply didn't have the power to run the computer for long each day.
However, I can't deny the ease with which my children absorbed information from the
television and continue to be amazed at their ability to recall that information years later.
No real regrets there.
When I think of areas that I might, in a moment of waning confidence, call deficiencies
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in my children, it's easy to see the root cause. Take their social life, for example. April
once joined a dance class and later on tried horse riding. Roger and Thomas joined in the
local community table tennis competition for a year. Every year I encouraged them to
join scouts and other groups but they weren't interested. They were barely interested in
the homeschooling gatherings I organised! There have been huge chunks of their
homeschooling lives where they didn't play with children their own age for months on
end! It's easy to feel some regret about that, but then I consider the eventual outcome
and realise that the children haven't been disadvantaged at all. But more to the point,
they wouldn't change anything.
I do wish we'd been more physical though, and taken up some sports activity as a family,
perhaps bushwalking. The truth is that no one is particularly physically minded,
although the boys did a few years of circus training and Roger went on to do gymnastic
training for a year - both activities over an hours drive from home!
April's on again off again schooling could be listed as a regret, but I'm not that sure it is.
She went to school at age seven full time for eighteen months, then part time for four
years. After a couple of years of full time homeschooling she went high school part, and
then full time. She was always the oldest in the homeschooling groups and missed
hanging out with girls her age. School didn't live up to its promises - neither socially nor
educationally, but it did deliver many things April needed to further her own natural
learning program, which makes it difficult to harbor regrets about that experience.
I remember thinking, way back in 1986, that community run and owned learning centres
would one day provide the ideal education for all members of the community, young and
old. I've always viewed home education as a compromise. Regardless of whether a child
is at school or not, every one is home educated - that's as natural as breathing. My
learning centre pipe dream is still a long way off - I'm not even sure my grandkids will
enjoy such an educational opportunity. In the meantime I'm happy to continue
promoting the best compromise I can come up with, home education, whilst helping
people break out of the school habit.
If you thought, at the outset of this letter, that you'd find a list of the dos and don'ts of
homeschooling, then you'll be disappointed. Boy, would I have loved a list like that
seventeen years ago! But I know now that such a list would have led me up the garden
path and back again. only to discover the important lessons I needed to learn, about life,
about myself, my children, my family and my society, entailed me making a whole host of
'mistakes'. I needed to learn to get over minor regrets, learn that every moment of life is
an entire learning journey unto itself! Along the way I've discovered that there are many
levels of learning in one breathless moment of life and that there is never enough time to
contemplate them all.
Every thing we've ever done in our homeschooling adventure was done in a spirit of
centredness, with the child at the centre. Sometimes the child was a real child,
sometimes it was a theoretical child, an imagined perfect child in a perfect world (great
for finding out what we each truly want from life!). Sometimes the child was myself - the
child I once was or the child I am today. From that centre self esteem grew and continues
to grow, though it's hard to deny the battering effect of the 'outside' world. I found
isolation truly helpful in keeping my mind and goals clear - the temptation to socialise
my children, have them grow up to fit the 'norm' or 'average' or force them to excel, live
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up to someone else's standards or expectations, was sometimes overwhelming. My
children helped me find, and keep, that centredness intact.
What would I do different - in this lifetime - nothing! What would I recommend my
children do differently if they chose to home educate their children? Aha! I think I need
to write another book!
Copyright Beverley Paine, 2002
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What is Unschooling?
by Beverley Paine
"What we want to see is the child in pursuit of knowledge, not knowledge in pursuit of
the child." George Bernard Shaw
I am always satisfied and amazed to see my children pursuing new knowledge. It's a very
healthy and natural thing for young children and my wish was always to preserve the
intensity of their curiosity displayed during every waking hour. I didn't give much
thought to school back in those early years, but as it loomed closer I began to examine
the purpose and outcomes of school education. It seemed that schools, also keen to see
children in pursuit of knowledge, but in a rigidly defined way. There was no way the
children could have any input into the curriculum, and even the parents seemed shut
out. This disturbed me greatly and Robin and I began to look at alternative schools, and
then finally alternatives to school!
In his acceptance speech for the New York City Teacher of the Year award, John Gatto
said, "Schools were designed by Horace Mann. . .and others to be instruments of the
scientific management of a mass population." Like Gatto and others who feel like him, I
believe that in the interests of managing each generation of children, the public school
curriculum has become a desperate and flawed attempt to delivering education to vast
numbers of children. As my experience as a home educator grew I found myself at odds
with the state definition of education and at one stage refused to use the word, preferring
the term 'learning' instead. 'Education' has, to me, become a fairly meaningless term,
bandied about with scant regard to accountability.
The traditional curriculum is based on the assumption that children must be taught
knowledge because they will never feel inclined to pursue it themselves. Any one could
see that that, when given a choice, most children prefer not to do school work and chose
instead to play or engage in an activity that has immediate interest or satisfies some
personal goal. In this, they are not like most adults I know. In school, knowledge is
defined as school-'work' - and no one in our society seems to want to work - it is
something we are coerced or bribed or forced to do. It's easy for teachers and educators
to conclude that children don't like to acquire knowledge, which is why schooling became
a method of controlling children and forcing them to do what the bureaucracy
considered beneficial for them. Parents, eager for their children to better themselves in a
competitive workforce, went along with this move, trusting that the 'educated' educators
knew best...
Most children don't like textbooks, workbooks, quizzes, rote memorization, subject
schedules, and lengthy periods of physical inactivity. It's not hard to see why. Few adults
enjoy such tasks, and exert considerable will power or entice themselves with bribes to
study subjects that have no immediate meaningful relevance.
Believe me, the work of a school teacher is vastly different from that of a homeschooling
parent. In nearly all schools, a teacher is hired to deliver a ready-made, standardized,
year-long curriculum to 25 or more age-segregated children who are confined in a
building, often one room, all day. The teacher is restricted to using a standard
curriculum - not because it is the best approach for encouraging an individual child to
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learn the things that need to be known - but because it is a convenient way to handle and
track the progress of large numbers of children. For decades we've been reading about
the results of the application of this standardised curriculum on our children and the
bleak stories never change - a few bright lights in an otherwise downward spiral of
reducing levels of literacy and numeracy.
Although it's easy in retrospect to see the differences between the school environment
and the home, many parents begin homeschooling under the impression that
homeschooling is a kind of variation on the traditional public school curriculum, only
delivered in the home. They tell themselves that it is the classroom, the social life and
peer group pressure, the lack of resources, etc that reduce schooling to ineffectiveness in
their children's cases... Goals, objectives, set tasks, assignments and evaluation take
centre stage, as they do in school. The winners in the homeschooling boom must surely
be the textbook and curriculum publishing companies who go to great lengths to assure
us that we must buy their products if we expect our children to be properly educated. It
can be difficult for a new homeschooling family to think that an alternative approach is
possible.
One alternative approach is "unschooling", also known as "natural learning",
"experienced-based learning", or "independent learning", or 'auto-didactic' learning. It's
catching on fast, because it makes sense. What is impossible to achieve in the classroom
becomes a successful approach in the home and community based learning
environments. It's empowering, not only to the children who accept more responsibility
for the direction and content of their education, but also the parents.
Before I talk about what I think unschooling is, I feel I need to say a few words about
what it isn't. Unschooling isn't a recipe, and therefore it can't be explained in recipe
terms. It is impossible to give unschooling directions for people to follow so that it can be
tried for a week or so to see if it works. Unschooling isn't a method; it's a way of looking
at children and at life. It is based on trust that parents and children will find the paths
that work best for them - without depending on educational institutions, publishing
companies, or experts to tell them what to do. Even though I read this in John Holt's
books before I began homeschooling, it took me years to assimilate this notion, and even
longer to fully trust that my children will learn what they need to learn, when, where and
how.
Unschooling does not mean that parents can never teach anything to their children, or
that children should learn about life entirely on their own without the help and guidance
of their parents. Unschooling does not mean that parents give up active participation in
the education and development of their children and simply hope that something good
will happen. Finally, since many unschooling families have definite plans for tertiary
education, unschooling does not even mean that children will never take a course in any
kind of a school, or use a textbook, or take a class...
What, then, is unschooling?
It's more than following one's interests; filling the day with play and chores and work
and conversation. It's staying busy and focussed on the important things in life - building
relationships, between self and others, self and the world, self and ecology, self and
community. It's learning how to be grown-up (something many adults need to revisit!)
and responsible. It's looking after oneself, one's environment, family, friends and
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community, the world and all its creatures. It's learning how to use resources sensibly
and sustainably. It's simply living.
We've found that when we follow our interests - and our interests inevitably lead to
science, literature, history, mathematics, music, all the things that have interested people
before anybody thought of them as "subjects" - we acquire many skills and retain
knowledge long after the activity or passion has waned. I compare this to my years of
learning subjects at school, and how little I remember from those passive lessons.
A large component of unschooling is grounded in doing real things, not because we hope
they will be good for us, but because they are intrinsically fascinating. This is the key to
learning - any learning. There is an energy that comes from this that you can't buy with a
curriculum. Children do real things all day long, and in a trusting and supportive home
environment. Doing 'real' things invariably brings about healthy mental development
and valuable knowledge, ultimately giving rise to insight and the acquisition of wisdom.
In our home I've learned that it is natural for children to read, write, play with numbers,
learn about society, find out about the past, think, wonder and do all those things that
society so unsuccessfully attempts to force upon them in the context of schooling.
Very few of us get out of bed in the morning in the mood for a 'learning experience'. I'd
like to hope that most of us get up feeling in the mood for life. Children always do so -
unless they are ill or life has been made overly stressful or confusing for them. I've had
my doubts; times when it's difficult to determine if anything important is actually going
on. Natural learning has often been described as a little like watching a garden grow. No
matter how closely we examine the garden, it is difficult to verify that anything is
happening at that particular moment. But as the season progresses, we can see that
much has happened, quietly and naturally. Children pursue life, and in doing so, pursue
knowledge. They need adults to trust in the inevitability of this very natural process, and
to offer what assistance they can.
Parents come to me with their unschooling questions about fulfilling state requirements
and record-keeping. I found that writing down, in a logical way, ALL of the activities my
children pursue - those that they initiate themselves and those that I ask them to do,
from every area of life - gives me great confidence. It's easy to translate everyday
activities into educational jargon with a little thought - toothbrushing becomes Health
and Hygiene, and so on. When I fill out the paperwork required for homeschooling in
our state, I briefly describe, in the space provided, what we are currently doing, and the
general intent of what we plan to do for the coming year. I don't include long lists of
books or describe any of the step-by-step skills associated with a curriculum. For
example, under English/Language Arts, I mentioned that our son's favourite "subject" is
building websites. I say a few words about the sites he's designed, the software he uses,
and how he's learning HTML, and that he is in contact with other website designers
through the Internet. I mentioned that he reads a great deal and uses our computer for
whatever writing he happens to do. I added that as he added sites to his portfolio I
noticed his presentation, layout, functional design, spelling and language convention
skills improved considerably.
Homeschooling is a unique opportunity for each family to do whatever makes sense for
the growth and development of their children. If we have a reason for using a curriculum
and traditional school materials, we are free to use them. They are not a universally
necessary or required component of our homeschooling programs, either educational or
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legally. I've found that allowing curricula, textbooks, and tests to be the defining, driving
force behind the education of a child is a hindrance in the home as much as in the school
- not only because it interferes with learning, but because it interferes with trust.
Anne Sullivan, Helen Keller's mentor and friend, said:
"I am beginning to suspect all elaborate and special systems of education. They seem to
me to be built upon the supposition that every child is a kind of idiot who must be
taught to think. Whereas if the child is left to himself, he will think more and better, if
less "showily". Let him come and go freely, let him touch real things and combine his
impressions for himself... Teaching fills the mind with artificial associations that must
be got rid of before the child can develop independent ideas out of actual experiences."
Homeschooling provides a unique opportunity to step away from systems and methods,
and to develop independent ideas out of actual experiences, where the child is truly in
pursuit of knowledge, not the other way around.
Visit the Homeschool Australia website
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Alan Wilson
Alan Wilson is a visionary, evolving clients by accessing their essence to unleash their
truest potential. In the last 25 years he was coaching uniqueness in companies and more
recently his focus has been to create successful programmes and structures for families.
His vision is to develop sustainable self empowerment in children, young people, parents
and the professionals working with these groups.
Alan founded Develop Your Child to satisfy his passion to wholistically develop
millions of children globally, by using life coaching and related techniques. He has
written a variety of programmes and a popular self help book Listen to your children
and they will listen to you to help parents break through the communication barrier.
Within Develop Your Child is a network of coaches who have experience of working with
young people and families. Alan is forming a not for profit to take these programmes into
the community.
He also founded The Energy Alliance where a monthly teleconference shares best
practice of leading figures working with energy from all over the world. He has developed
an informative website, an innovative conference Kids Are Really Different These Days
pioneering an evolutionary world and a series of workshops Parenting Potential -
creating a world for young people to blossom and grow.
In addition, a soon to be published collaborative book with the profits to go towards
establishing a new type of school. This school will be for parents and children together,
to help them to connect with their inner knowing and for parents to understand how best
to support their children.
Soleira Green in her new book The New Visionaries evolutionary leadership for a
vibrant world www.newvisionaries.net/NewVisionaries wrote a chapter on Alan
and says - Alan is a new visionary who knows how to get things moving and who puts his
passion for kids at the very top of his life priorities - a champion of children.
Alan Wilson www.alanwilson.info
Develop Your Child www.developyourchild.co.uk
The Energy Alliance www.theenergyalliance.com
Copyright Alan Wilson
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Parenting Potential
by Alan Wilson
This is an extract from the new book by The Energy Alliance collaborators
Kids Are Really Different These Days co-creating an evolutionary world
WOW what a fabulous play on words, releasing your potential as a parent and the ability
to unleash the potential of your children I love it! We all want to do the very best for
our children we can, and Ive found a mix of working with energy and applying some
concrete strategies in an energetic environment has worked miracles and this is what I
would like to share with you now.
About four years ago I realised how much my intuition was helping me in my role as a
life coach. For those that dont know, briefly, coaching takes you from where you are to
where you want to be. It is not therapy or counselling and takes no account of the past
because you are perfect as you are today.
See the magnificence in kids
In wanting to know more about my intuition Ive been looking at a broader spectrum of
energetics which involves, consciousness, multidimensionality and evolutionary ways of
working. By seeing in this way, I now experience people as the most magnificent,
creative, awesome beings and my role is to connect them to their inner knowing so they
can be self supportive in their own empowerment. This approach has had a significant
impact on my own growth.
In addition to that, I realised I had not loved myself unconditionally and there is a big
difference in loving yourself and loving unconditionally. When you accept your perceived
weaknesses/faults as what they are all part of being the truly awesome you.
When Im thinking beyond self, Im focussing on others and not my own challenges
which then seem to dissolve from my attention. And perhaps the most exciting step was
that Im connecting with a power beyond me, and this is so amazing, to be part of/and
working in a bigger game with a collective, and that bigger game at the moment for me is
to be an Ambassador for Kids.
The whole story has been beautifully recorded by my colleague Soleira Green in her
fabulous (not because Im in it, but the concepts of recognising and defining a new type
of visionary) new book The New Visionaries evolutionary leadership for a vibrant
world www.newvisionaries.net/NewVisionaries
Working with energy
I use energy in working with parents initially, connecting with the group that are going to
turn up and setting the intention that they will all get the best from the session for what
they need. I also prepare the room to create a sense of allowing for potential to blossom.
When I meet them I see them as the magnificent individuals they are, this approach
permeates the whole room and it just feels like everyone relaxes into what wants to
happen you can feel the potential in the air
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Sometimes we will have a guided visualisation where we take some deep breaths and
allow all the cares of the day dissolve away. We will then relax and connect with
something we love/are passionate about, we expand that fabulous feeling beyond the
perimeters of the room, in stages, out into the cosmoses. From this place I ask what is
the potential for the session or any other question that might be relevant for the person
or their situation.
I then leave them in this place to commune with their inner knowing for a couple of
minutes. Afterwards we may share what each individual got and work around that or just
leave them to do what they need to do.
Value and respect
I have found that parents also require very practical approaches, so I would like to share
some strategies that have been successful for me and the parents I work with. One of the
most important aspects of any relationship is valuing a person and showing them
respect. I will give you a couple of examples that have worked for me.
The first, Ive always spoken to my children as though they are adults. If they asked me a
question I would answer them and judge the communication gap by their response and
fill it in. I would also explain both sides of a situation and encourage them to choose,
often they would get bored and just wanted a plain yes or no but I would persevere and
Im really glad I did because they were able to make mature choices and take
responsibility for those decisions quite early on in their lives.
The second example was after my first marriage breakdown I saw the children at the
weekends. Because I was also trying to do loads of other things at the time we were
together, there were always clashes of interest and our time together became more
stressful. Toby and Holly wanted to do 'their own thing' and I was torn between spending
time with them and my own work and household chores.
To overcome this conflict we tried an experiment, we would each take turns in choosing
what we most wanted to do - and the other two went along with it. Although I did not do
everything I wanted, at least the time we spent together was fabulous quality time. We
discussed our plans and priorities on the car journey or as soon as we met. This
experiment was a blessing, as we could all do what we all wanted to do, some of the time.
Acknowledge your fabulous progress
Another major area for parents is to get them to acknowledge that they have done a
fabulous job so far. They often dont accept this because they have been beating
themselves up so long and they think they are the only ones suffering a particular
situation. So this is the first thing we tackle.
They also do not give themselves any credit for standing up and saying I need help. This
often involves crossing the threshold of a school (which is where I usually work). This
step on its own can hold memories of their own earlier experiences which they may
prefer to forget, or perhaps the only time they hear from the school is a complaint that
their little cherub has been misbehaving.
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So in a group I get the parents to share some of their challenges and coach them to find
solutions within the groups own experiences. This creates a wonderful empowering
atmosphere. They slowly realise they are not the only ones suffering from the same
challenges. Plus by sharing their experiences they are helping others with proven and
successful strategies and these are coming from their peers, so much more valuable than
a facilitator! A beautiful trusting and sharing environment is created, they are co-
creating it and starting to feel good about themselves. All of a sudden the stigmatisation
and discomfort starts to evaporate and they are open to try new things RESULT!
See through your childs eyes
The other thing I get them to accept is to look how far they have come, see the beauty
inside of their children, they have been the major contributor to this fabulous individual.
We all look up the mountain to see how far we have to go and rarely look back to see how
far weve come. Even more rarely celebrate our progress, there tends to be not enough
celebration in our lives. We really need to acknowledge our progress and relive all those
fabulous feelings and emotions that result from our successes.
Try and see things from your childs perspective, they are surrounded by multi media
images of success, beauty and unrealistic aspirations. They may have been exposed to all
sorts of negativity, their hormones kicking in, peer pressure and questioning themselves
over their own self identity and self worth. Is it any wonder they are
confused/frustrated/angry, and as has been said by other contributors, they can tell a lie
a mile off and kick off when they feel manipulated. You MUST be authentic with them as
a lot of people in their lives may be manipulating or trying to control them because they
dont know any better
Self care is critical
Self care is critical. Mum and its usually Mum is rushing around all day meeting the
needs of an ever demanding family. Is it any wonder that parents may not be in the most
relaxed frame of mind to deal with all the pressures on them? After all if you dont feel
good how can you do and be the best for your self. When you are the best for your self
you are the very best for everyone.
Parents need to be selfish and indulge themselves sometimes, I know that doesnt come
easy, especially for Mums, and often it may be tainted with guilt - just let that go. Do
whatever it takes, a scented bath with candles, a bar of chocolate, glass of wine, long walk
in nature. Do whatever it takes to get you in that wonderful, calm and relaxed state. Now
when you are enjoying yourself think about the successes of the day, or the last day or
two and recall how and where you felt good, recall all your senses and relive, in fact,
increase those senses of smell, taste, hearing, touching and tingling to a point that you
glow from the inside.
I find a great help here is to create a Success Diary, at the end of every day record all the
things that went well. If you are having trouble coming up with successes, think really
hard and record even a small incident, a sentence, word or phrase. Over a period of time
you will find it easier to identify the successes and over a longer period the successes will
get bigger. The benefit of this exercise is that it gets you to focus on the good things on a
regular basis and when you are feeling down, go back and read what you have written. It
is an awesome experience to see how far you have come and share this with your kids.
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To take this a stage further, particularly for kids is get them to add what were the feelings
and emotions attached to this win or success. Sometimes they will need a bit of
encouragement to identify how they felt and where it was inside them that they felt it.
OK so now are you ready for the final piece? The final stage is to look at the potential of
this success. For example, suppose a young person is frightened of the water and has just
started swimming lessons, she has just completed a width and says how fabulous she
feels about the success. Now ask her what the potential is of her being successful, if she
struggles to answer, encourage her with open questions like what do you think you could
do next and she might come up with swim a length or win a gold medal at the next
Olympics. Kids love this when they get the hang of it.
The relationship is the key
The key to any relationships is to appreciate you should never try to control another
person, be that child, partner, friend or colleague. By being the best you can be, you can
influence them more than by directing them. The better the relationship the more the
influence, obvious really, but usually not remembered in the heat of the moment.
Amongst other things a good relationship is based on trust, respect, listening and valuing
another person. A clash of interests or different view may create a communication
barrier.
Creating a better relationship with your children can be as simple as asking questions
versus telling them what you expect. Pick your moment and ask them, how can I/we
show you more respect, what would you like to achieve, what are your biggest challenges
right now, how can I/we support you? Loads of open questions will create a good flow of
information and a super interchange.
Develop your listening skills. Be open, focus on your children, listen from the heart, face
them heart to heart and do not have any distractions at the time, its amazing what you
can learn from what they dont say. I encourage the parents I work with to create regular
quality times for one to one connections with each child. It can start with being as little
as a couple of minutes each day, make it regular and most important of all, sacrosanct.
As soon as you break the arrangement they will feel that you do not consider they are
worthy of your time.
Kids sense your mood
Children are fantastic barometers of your mood. If youre stressed I guarantee they will
be too, if youre relaxed they are more likely to be as well, what a fabulous excuse to be
chilled! After all they know all your hot buttons and can throw one in any time they
want to, to derail you and throw you off course.
A big aspect is the past. As soon as you both can accept the past has gone and there is
nothing that can be said or done to change it, you can move on. This may not always be
easy but allow time to reflect and see it from the potential that has been created.
I encourage the parents I work with to look at the event and its cause to see what
learning there is from what happened. It is surprising what can reveal itself when you
look from the perspective of potential. Even if youve only learnt not to do it again, its a
133
learning point and can be celebrated.
Another important practice is to separate the person from their behaviour. In the heat of
the argument we forget about the real feelings we have for the other person because we
are reacting to their behaviour. Take time out, chill and go back to them and reinforce
your love and respect for them, say it is their behaviour that your not happy with, so
what can we do together to overcome that issue in the future.
Using the power of thought can help you overcome some of the same issues in the future.
The power of thought does not control another persons behaviour, but helps you take
responsibility for the way you respond to their behaviour.
The power of thought
You may want to check out my Power of Thought module,
http://www.developyourchild.co.uk/images/Pdf%27s/PowerOfThought.pdf it will help
you realise that when you monitor your thoughts you can control your actions and
behaviour. You can decide to let a thought go or react to it. So if you are told you are
hopeless at something, when you see that as your thought, you can choose to ignore it
and carry on your happy way. Or you can believe that thought and be miserable. It is
your choice of what you choose to accept and what you choose to let go of.
You are also creating your own reality with the way you think about things. For example
if you get up in the morning and its pouring of rain and you might think oh no it is going
to be a terrible day I guarantee it will be. On the other hand if you see the rain and think
oh well Im going to make the most of this fabulous day you are more likely to have a
fabulous day. Be aware of your thoughts!
Do something different
Take time to explore your inner self, knowing, innate abilities etc, to enable you to have a
deeper connection with your children as thats where they are operating from. In fact you
are both operating from this level but you have been exposed to more life experiences
and negativity to downplay these abilities. Remember how much you were in tune with
each other when your kids were babies. You can reconnect with them at this level now if
you wish too. Look at the other amazing chapters in the book to understand more.
By practicing some of these suggestions you will be creating a different relationship with
your children. When a parent can encourage their partner to engage in these activities
the rewards are exponentially wonderful. I know because I have seen fabulous, fulfilling
family relationships created with all members of the family, when they are working
together.
I hope you have been tempted to realise your potential as a parent and will be
encouraged to unleash the potential of your children. I honour your commitment and
preparedness to do something different and learn new skills to create a successful
parenting experience, thank you most sincerely.
This really is IMPORTANT have loads of fun, share lots of laughter and many, many
hugs. Bless you.
134
Tips for parents of young people
1) The most important point for me is that you acknowledge that you have done a
fabulous job so far. And celebrate the fact you are reading this and want to
acquire new skills for the benefit of your children and family.
2) Always show your young person the respect you show your very bestest friend,
avoid taking them for granted - listen to them and value them as the special
individual they are.
3) It is so much harder when children are teenagers as they may have been exposed
to negativity, their hormones kicking in, peer pressure and questions over self
identity. Therefore anything new and different may not be quick or easy to fix.
What I can assure you is that eventually they will respond to your genuine and
committed desire to support them.
4) Please be patient with yourself. It is common to look up the mountain to see how
far you still have to go. Regularly look back and see how far youve come and
celebrate that progress. And while reflecting on your progress and the benefits to
your family, relive and enhance all those fabulous senses of success.
5) Take good care of yourself, be selfish and create some me time, nurture yourself,
have a bath with scented candles, go for a walk in the country, however you relax,
do it and often. After all you are the pivotal point of the family, how can you do
your best for them when you are run ragged.
6) Your kids can sense your mood, be relaxed and chilled as much as possible. They
know all your hot buttons, so its so easy for them to wind you up and put you off
course, theyve had enough practice! They will revert to this as soon as they want
to wrong foot you. What a great excuse to be relaxed all the time!
7) The past is the past, there is nothing you can do about it. Bless the past for the
lessons it has taught you and be grateful that youve had that experience, ask
yourself what was the potential that came from what happened.
8) Take time to explore your inner self, knowing, innate abilities etc, to enable you
to have a deeper connection with your children, thats where they are operating
from. Remember how much you were in tune with each other when they were
babies, you can reconnect with them at this level if you wish.
9) Look at the Power of Thought module, it will help you realise that you can
control your own actions and behaviour when you monitor your thoughts. You
are also creating your reality by how you view things.
10) Each of you can start a 'Success Diary' recording all your wins and successes
every day. When you feel down, read through a few pages or do it together if it
feels right. The better you feel about yourself the better you will be and the better
your choices will be.
135
And a bonus tip
11) Most important of all remember to have fun, feel good and share loads of fun,
laughter and hugs.
Develop Your Child
www.developyourchild.co.uk
136
About the Editor
Hi, Im Bob Collier.
I come originally from London, England, but now live in Canberra, the beautiful capital
city of Australia.
My wife, Mary, is from Belfast, Northern Ireland, and weve been married since 1976. We
have two fabulous children and I love them with all my heart - Bronnie, who was born in
Sydney in 1985, and Pat, who was born in London in 1995.
For all but three of my twenty plus years of parenthood so far, my primary occupation
has been stay-at-home dad; and for more than ten years of that, in total, its been my
24/7 full-time occupation. As it is now and has been since my son quit school in favour of
home education only a few months after I started publishing my newsletter, Parental
Intelligence.
Ive been publishing the Parental Intelligence newsletter since August 2002, initially as a
weekly email newsletter, now monthly online. It doesnt cost you a cent to read it and
never will.
Visit my website to read the current issue and browse the newsletter archive.
Subscribe to the Parental Intelligence newsletter here. I publish on or about the 14
th
of
every month. Youll also receive information as it becomes available about future e-books
in the Guiding Stars of the New Parenting Movement series.
Thank you for reading Volume 2!
With best wishes for your happiness and success,
________________________________________________________________________
Have you read Guiding Stars of the New Parenting Movement Volume 1?
If not, please download a copy from here with my compliments.

GSNPMV2

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Perception is reality. Allow your perception to be grounded in fact, not myth or

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