Arcsin Newsletter, May 5th, 2056

Thank you for your interest in Arcsin Industries technology! Since you signed up early, the processing fee for your account has been waved! We will begin the process of wiring your home for wireless electricity within the next week. This process can take up to three months, depending on the city you live in and the conditions of your home. Do not be alarmed if you hear any strange noises or experience strange smells coming from below your home, this is normal. Most of our users report a smell resembling burning metal or strong chemicals. This is due to the advanced bioelectrical generators that we employ. We assure you, the process is completely safe, and there is no cause for alarm. If you have any questions about the exciting and powerful technology we offer, please feel free to contact our customer service department. Additionally, you have been selected to participate in our new Super Bio Eco Energy project! This exciting new technology allows for cheap and nearly unlimited energy to be delivered to your home and office with unparalleled efficiency. If you would like to participate in the project, simply sign the attached waiver and fill the included hypodermic needle with a sample of your blood! Note: B+ blood type is not acceptable. Thank you again for your support of this new and exciting technology. Just remember, with Arcsin Industries, the future is yours!

Arcsin Newsletter, June 8th, 2056

We have some truly exciting news to share with you! Since you had your Arcsin bioelectric generator installed, we have increased productivity in our generators by more than 300% using conduction methods developed by the scientists hard at work in the Arcsin R&D labs! In your home alone, we will be able to generate an unprecedented 500,000 watts per hour! This breakthrough in energy technology means that you will have even more power to fuel your Arcsin Nano-infused Power Jacuzzi, Super-Magnetic Toasters, and Ultra-electro Butler/Bartender Androids! With this improved hyper conduction technology, there will be some changes applied to your home generator. Arcsin technicians will be arriving at your home within the next few weeks to install and test the new conductors. In some cases, our customers have reported hearing sounds that resemble animal or human screaming. These sounds are a byproduct of the hyper-thermic conduction used in the generators, and are no cause for alarm. A strong smell of ammonia or burning flesh is also normal, again due to the conductors. Remember, Arcsin technology is safe, effective, and environmentally friendly. Also, your blood tests have returned from the lab, and they indicate that you are a great candidate for our Super Bio Eco Energy Project! If you would like to be a part of this incredible new technology, just sign the attached waiver and include a DNA sample, preferably a hair or mouth swab. And remember, with Arcsin Industries, the future is yours!

Arcsin Newsletter, July 7th, 2056

We are pleased to announce that Arcsin bioreactors now produce 99.998% of the worlds energy! This never-before-seen amount of energy production is helping to usher in a new age of technology and innovation, and you should be very excited to be a part of the energy revolution. With your help, Arcsin Industries has become the leading energy producer and energy research firm in the world. We thank you for your continued support! We are also happy to reveal that our new hyper-conduction technology has been extremely effective in homes like yours, and we are bringing clean and safe energy to your entire city! As a result of this energy boom, we are now planning on storing large amounts of the excess wattage in our new Super-Subterranean Mega-Nano-Batteries! This will mean clean, cheap, and limitless energy for generations to come. All we need is your approval, and we will send technicians to install the batteries under your home, guaranteeing your energy future. Also, our DNA labs confirm that you are a perfect match for our Super Bio Eco Energy project! If you wish to continue your participation, please go to your local Arcsin Industries office and present this letter before August 1, 2056. There you will be inspected by Arcsin scientists and processed for your role in this brand-new technology! Also, you may have heard reports of Arcsin generators polluting local groundwater with dangerous radiation. Please, pay no mind. We assure you, this was an isolated incident due to a technician error, and your are in absolutely no danger. Remember, with Arcsin Industries, the future is yours!

Arcsin Newsletter, August 24th, 2056

Congratulations! Arcsin Industries is pleased to announce that our Super Bio Eco Energy project has been a huge success, and as a participant in the project, you are a major part of this success! We thank you for your trust and support of Arcsin scientists! You are one of the first people in the nation to have your body converted to an Arcsin Super Bio Eco Generator! Now, your energy needs will be filled constantly and effectively by the energy produced by your body and harvested by the patent-pending Arcsin Sub-Dermal Chemo-Sapien Energy Converter! There are just a few things you should note with the use of your patent-pending Arcsin SubDermal Chemo-Sapien Energy Converter. The device is highly susceptible to electric discharge, so avoid all areas where you may come into direct contact with electricity, such as power outlets, electronics with open electrical circuits, tesla coils, and open fields during thunderstorms. If your Sub-Dermal Chemo-Sapien Energy Converter is shorted by electronic shock, you will die! This should not be a cause for alarm, as numerous fail safes have been included to prevent this from happening. However, you are advised to stay out of deep water! Also, the Sub-Dermal conductor nodes may periodically itch, or reach temperatures in excess of 500 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not be alarmed if this occurs, it is temporary, and normal. Also, your Arcsin Super-Subterranean Mega-NanoBattery has been installed! As a result of the batterys magnetic field, you may experience narcolepsy, hallucinations, delusions, or psychosis. If this occurs, do not panic! This is normal. Just remember, with Arcsin Industries, the future is yours!

Arcsin Newsletter, September 15th, 2056

As a longtime Arcsin Industries customer, you are no stranger to Arcsin Industries innovation and dedication to consumer safety. That is why it comes as such a shock that the slanderous allegations by the CPSC (Consumer Product Safety Comission) have been taken seriously by the public. According to these insidious and absurd accusations, some people using the patented Arcsin Sub-Dermal ChemoSapien Energy Converter have experienced rapid expansion of their bodily fluids resulting in organ rupture and skin lacerations. We here at Arcsin industries assure you, these accusations are based on unscientific testimony from confused witnesses associated with an isolated incident involving Arcsin Converters. Make no mistake, you are in absolutely no danger. In light of these disparaging claims, we are happy to announce that Arcsin Sub-Dermal ChemoSapien Energy Converter have been a huge popular success, and are currently being installed in 80% of the earths population, ensuring free and limitless energy for all of mankind. Our scientists are currently working hard developing methods to connect your Sub-Dermal Converter to your Mega-Nano-Battery, ensuring that none of the electricity produced by your amazing body goes to waste. Also, you may have seen reports of our Mega-Batteries experiencing critical failure resulting in massive energy discharges and waves of radiation. Please, do not heed these lies; they are false reports spread by competitor, Auger Electronics, meant to frighten our consumers. We assure you there is no danger. Remember, with Arcsin Industries, the future is yours!

Arcsin Newsletter, November 11th, 2056

We regret to inform you that due to software errors, some of our Super Subteranian MegaNano Batteries may have started to fail catastrophically. This may represent a dangerous situation for you and your loved ones. In order to avoid being exposed to the deadly radiation emitted by the batteries, we recommend that you maintain a distance of 5,000 miles from the nearest reactor. Since the batteries currently power every major U.S. city, you may want to consider joining one of the newly formed Arcsin Ocean-Floatila Mega-Colonies. This is an exciting opportunity to live indefinitely on a comfortable floating raft with the rest of mankind in the safety of the open ocean! Thankfully, waste from Arcsin reactors has ensured that the Earths oceans are devoid of all life. Thanks to our efforts, you need not worry about sharks, killer whales, electric eels, or poisonous jellyfish! Also, since you are a longtime Arcsin customer, you are eligible for a spot on the Arcsin Super Earth-Escape-Pod Space Ship. Due to the radiation being emitted by the Mega-Nano-Batteries, Arcsin reactors are set to fail critically in the next year! This will result in nuclear explosions that cover the earth and destroy the atmosphere. Take that, global warming! We recommend that you sign up soon, as cabins aboard the vessel are selling fast, and the remaining seats will be occupied by Arcsin executives. The ship will be setting sail December 1st, 2056, destination: unknown! If you would like to participate in the continuation of the human race in space, please visit your local Arcsin office with the required fees and documentation. We regret that this will be the last Arcsin Newsletter, as we will begin boarding the Earth Escape Pod immediately. Remember, with Arcsin Industries, the future is yours!