1

00:00:00,461 --> 00:00:03,401

Kids, there's more than one
story of I met your mother.
2
00:00:03,590 --> 00:00:05,409
You know the short version,
3
00:00:05,410 --> 00:00:07,288
the thing with your mom's
yellow umbrella.
4
00:00:07,289 --> 00:00:08,850
But there's a bigger story.
5
00:00:08,851 --> 00:00:10,981
The story of how I became
who I had to become
6
00:00:10,982 --> 00:00:12,804
before I could meet her.
7
00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:15,414
And that story begins here.
8
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:16,725
...dary!
9
00:00:16,726 --> 00:00:18,287
Legendary!
10
00:00:18,288 --> 00:00:20,663
Dude, I am so excited
that you're single again.
11
00:00:20,664 --> 00:00:23,136
We are going to conquer
New York City.
12
00:00:23,137 --> 00:00:25,303
I already have a girl
from work lined up for you.
13
00:00:25,304 --> 00:00:27,064
Right boob bigger
than the left boob,
14

00:00:27,065 --> 00:00:28,952

which some choose to look
at as bra half empty,
15
00:00:28,953 --> 00:00:31,793
I choose to look
at as bra half full.
16
00:00:31,794 --> 00:00:32,977
I don't know.
17
00:00:32,978 --> 00:00:34,773
Robin and I broke up
two weeks ago.
18
00:00:34,774 --> 00:00:37,476
I'm... I'm not ready.
19
00:00:37,477 --> 00:00:39,344
When will you be ready?
20
00:00:39,345 --> 00:00:40,689
It was a good question.
21
00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:42,228
After a big relationship ends,
22
00:00:42,229 --> 00:00:43,680
you need some time
to recuperate.
23
00:00:43,681 --> 00:00:45,337
Robin took a trip to Argentina,
24
00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:47,532
and I went through
my usual routine.
25
00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:49,105
I grew my breakup beard.
26
00:00:49,106 --> 00:00:51,098
Ted Mosby, suit up,
'cause here's the plan.
27
00:00:51,099 --> 00:00:52,590
There's a Miss Nassau

County pageant.
28
00:00:52,591 --> 00:00:53,598
We'll pretend to be judges
29
00:00:53,599 --> 00:00:56,526
and, yes, our votes
are for sale.
30
00:00:56,527 --> 00:00:58,530
I'm not ready.
31
00:00:58,531 --> 00:00:59,746
I repainted the apartment.
32
00:00:59,747 --> 00:01:02,043
Finish Line of a women's 10K.
33
00:01:02,044 --> 00:01:03,903
Salty girls on
an endorphin high
34
00:01:03,904 --> 00:01:06,420
who just want to lie down.
35
00:01:06,421 --> 00:01:09,078
Yeah.
I'm not ready.
36
00:01:09,079 --> 00:01:11,388
And the truth is,
I was doing really good.
37
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:13,704
Female acrobats
from Montreal.
38
00:01:13,705 --> 00:01:14,382
Hmm.
39
00:01:14,383 --> 00:01:15,674
Super flexible.
We are going to get
40
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:17,423
Cirque de So-Laid.

41
00:01:17,424 --> 00:01:19,112
What up?
42
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:20,162
Barney, come on,
we've covered this.
43
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:20,955
Robin!
44
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,087
Hey, guys.
45
00:01:22,088 --> 00:01:25,838
I just got in last night.
46
00:01:25,990 --> 00:01:28,461
Um, uh, this is Gael.
47
00:01:28,462 --> 00:01:30,321
Hola.
48
00:01:30,322 --> 00:01:32,002
Okay, I'm ready.
49
00:01:33,106 --> 00:01:36,864
Subsfactory presents:
How I Met Your Mother
50
00:01:36,954 --> 00:01:40,110
Season 3 Episode 1
"Wait For It"
51
00:01:40,135 --> 00:01:44,227
Synch by: redman
52
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,535
I just can't believe her.
53
00:01:48,536 --> 00:01:50,367
We have this totally
amicable split,
54
00:01:50,368 --> 00:01:51,491
everything's cool.

55
00:01:51,492 --> 00:01:53,938
And she comes back
from vacation withthatguy?
56
00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:55,329
You know what she's doing?
57
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:56,645
She's trying to win the breakup.
58
00:01:56,646 --> 00:02:00,378
What do you mean "win the
breakup," old-timey inventor?
59
00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:02,591
What our 21st president,
Chester A. Arthur,
60
00:02:02,592 --> 00:02:04,246
is trying to say is that
61
00:02:04,247 --> 00:02:06,673
in every breakup there are
winners and a losers.
62
00:02:06,674 --> 00:02:08,610
It's not a
competition.
63
00:02:08,611 --> 00:02:10,546
Now, your 80-day
balloon race around the world,
64
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,206
that was a competion.
65
00:02:13,207 --> 00:02:14,795
That's my wife.
66
00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:16,594
Of course it's
a competition, Lil.
67
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,467
How else do you explain...
what's his name?

68
00:02:19,468 --> 00:02:22,423
Gael.
69
00:02:22,424 --> 00:02:25,162
I'm sorry, Gayle?
70
00:02:25,163 --> 00:02:27,280
Gael.
71
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,634
Kyle?
72
00:02:29,635 --> 00:02:32,115
Gael.
73
00:02:32,116 --> 00:02:35,566
Girl?
74
00:02:35,663 --> 00:02:38,113
It's pronounced "guy-el. "
75
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:39,730
It means "joyful. "
76
00:02:39,731 --> 00:02:42,286
That is why I live
my life by bringing joy,
77
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:46,199
good energy
and happiness to others.
78
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,053
Especially those
less fortunate that I.
79
00:02:49,054 --> 00:02:51,507
I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
80
00:02:51,508 --> 00:02:53,366
What a jerk.
81
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,607
I don't go
to your stupid country

82
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,555
and try to seduce women
with my sexy accent.
83
00:02:57,556 --> 00:03:01,021
That's a great point,
Persian nightclub owner.
84
00:03:01,022 --> 00:03:03,944
Oh, and he's a masseuse.
85
00:03:03,945 --> 00:03:07,417
With a massage,
everything is connected.
86
00:03:07,418 --> 00:03:11,012
I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.
87
00:03:11,013 --> 00:03:12,805
I can touch
your earlobe,
88
00:03:12,806 --> 00:03:15,495
and slow your heartbeat.
89
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,994
One time, I used warm water
to make a guy pee.
90
00:03:17,995 --> 00:03:20,418
Of course, I didn't
make a career out of it.
91
00:03:20,419 --> 00:03:21,985
Career?
92
00:03:21,986 --> 00:03:23,638
Such an American idea.
93
00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:26,979
My career is living.
Windsurfing.
94
00:03:26,980 --> 00:03:29,327
Making love.

95
00:03:29,328 --> 00:03:32,246
Sometimes at the same time.
96
00:03:32,247 --> 00:03:33,012
How?
97
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:36,464
How would one do that exactly?
98
00:03:36,465 --> 00:03:38,746
Seriously, don't giggle.
Tell me.
99
00:03:38,747 --> 00:03:39,789
Not possible.
100
00:03:39,790 --> 00:03:42,262
You cannot have sex
on a windsurfing board.
101
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:44,400
How do you know?
Glad you asked, Lily.
102
00:03:44,401 --> 00:03:47,197
I have crafted a list
of every vehicle...
103
00:03:47,198 --> 00:03:48,949
land-based, aquatic
and airborne...
104
00:03:48,950 --> 00:03:51,369
in which/on which it's
possible to have sex.
105
00:03:51,370 --> 00:03:53,292
And of those 33 vehicles,
106
00:03:53,293 --> 00:03:56,478
I have had sex in/on 31.
107
00:03:56,479 --> 00:03:59,391
Windsurfing board,
not on the list, not possible.
108

00:03:59,392 --> 00:04:01,620

Oh, P.S., in order
to hit 33, all I need is
109
00:04:01,621 --> 00:04:05,027
bobsled and the Apollo 11
space capsule.
110
00:04:05,028 --> 00:04:08,246
To get that last one, you'd have
to break into the Smithsonian.
111
00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:10,310
This conversation
never happened.
112
00:04:10,311 --> 00:04:14,028
All right, you're suited up,
I'm bearded down.
113
00:04:14,029 --> 00:04:15,168
Let's get out there
and win this thing.
114
00:04:15,169 --> 00:04:16,380
Yes!
115
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,717
You guys, have fun
on your double date.
116
00:04:18,718 --> 00:04:21,423
Oh, for the hundredth time,
I'm sorry, there was a lull.
117
00:04:21,424 --> 00:04:23,562
And then we fell asleep
on the beach
118
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:24,873
while counting the stars.
119
00:04:24,874 --> 00:04:29,134
Do you want to have
dinner with me? Uh, us?
120
00:04:29,177 --> 00:04:30,549
There was no lull.

121
00:04:30,550 --> 00:04:32,206
You just think
he's incredibly hot.
122
00:04:32,207 --> 00:04:33,773
No, I don't!
123
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,735
Not incredibly.
124
00:04:36,736 --> 00:04:38,863
It's a little hard to believe
how hot he is.
125
00:04:38,864 --> 00:04:39,673
But, I mean,
126
00:04:39,674 --> 00:04:40,845
she's serious
about him.
127
00:04:40,846 --> 00:04:43,352
The girl never marries
the hot guy.
128
00:04:43,353 --> 00:04:44,727
Well, you did.
129
00:04:44,728 --> 00:04:47,346
I'm one of the lucky few.
130
00:04:47,347 --> 00:04:49,368
Lily, Ted is our best friend,
131
00:04:49,369 --> 00:04:50,572
so let's get something straight:
132
00:04:50,573 --> 00:04:53,175
Male Gayle is not hot.
133
00:04:53,176 --> 00:04:55,074
He's not our friend.
Don't even look at him.
134
00:04:55,075 --> 00:04:57,458

Just... no eye contact.

135
00:04:57,459 --> 00:04:58,960
So that night,
as Lily and Marshall
136
00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:00,490
did their best to hate Gael...
137
00:05:00,491 --> 00:05:03,395
Hey, Robin. Gael.
138
00:05:03,396 --> 00:05:05,616
...Robin pulled me aside
to check in.
139
00:05:05,617 --> 00:05:07,528
Now, I'm sure
she meant the best,
140
00:05:07,529 --> 00:05:09,606
but she said the worst.
141
00:05:09,607 --> 00:05:11,303
I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.
142
00:05:11,304 --> 00:05:14,076
"I just want to make sure
you're okay with this"?
143
00:05:14,077 --> 00:05:15,619
Damn it! I can't
believe she's the one
144
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:16,780
that gets to say that.
145
00:05:16,781 --> 00:05:18,400
She's winning, isn't she?
146
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:19,494
Not for long.
147
00:05:19,495 --> 00:05:22,630
Okay, pep talk.
Take a knee.

148
00:05:22,631 --> 00:05:23,960
Ted, tonight we're going to get
149
00:05:23,961 --> 00:05:26,809
you someone way hotter
than Robin.
150
00:05:26,810 --> 00:05:28,711
Okay, Robin's a ten.
151
00:05:28,712 --> 00:05:30,389
Fine, we'll get you a 12.
152
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,622
Or, you know...
153
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,477
two sixes.
154
00:05:34,478 --> 00:05:36,289
Failing that, four threes.
155
00:05:36,290 --> 00:05:38,166
And break glass
in case of emergency,
156
00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:40,009
we'll go to Staten Island,
I'll get you 12 ones.
157
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:44,240
Ted, my boy,
I am going to re-teach you...
158
00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:48,443
Amy.
Ted.
159
00:05:49,543 --> 00:05:52,893
Barney.
160
00:05:54,066 --> 00:05:56,131
Ted, we are back!
161
00:05:56,132 --> 00:05:59,269

Up here.
162
00:05:59,270 --> 00:06:01,161
Up high.
163
00:06:01,162 --> 00:06:04,852
Fivin' it up
five-style!
164
00:06:05,703 --> 00:06:07,267
I'm sorry this is
all so weird.
165
00:06:07,268 --> 00:06:08,906
Weird, why would it be weird?
166
00:06:08,907 --> 00:06:10,437
Because you used
to date our best friend
167
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,600
or because my wife thinks
168
00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:14,551
your new boyfriend
is incredibly hot?
169
00:06:14,552 --> 00:06:16,550
I do not! Shut up!
170
00:06:16,551 --> 00:06:19,987
Oh, my God!
171
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:21,470
I just hope Ted's okay.
172
00:06:21,471 --> 00:06:22,659
Hmm.
173
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:25,642
I hate to see you so tense.
174
00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:28,456
I mean, we had a really
clean break up, you know?
175

00:06:28,457 --> 00:06:29,961

We really acted like adults,
176
00:06:29,962 --> 00:06:33,682
so the last thing... oh!
177
00:06:36,756 --> 00:06:39,556
Gael, are you a properly
licensed massage therapist?
178
00:06:39,557 --> 00:06:40,973
What?
Are you legally
179
00:06:40,974 --> 00:06:43,758
certified by some type
of governing entity?
180
00:06:43,759 --> 00:06:46,243
I train for three years at
an institute in Buenos Aires.
181
00:06:46,244 --> 00:06:48,436
I have a card.
I can show you.
182
00:06:48,437 --> 00:06:49,960
Is the card laminated?
183
00:06:49,961 --> 00:06:51,375
What do you mean "laminated"?
184
00:06:51,376 --> 00:06:53,625
Covered in protective plastic.
185
00:06:53,626 --> 00:06:56,117
Oh, yes.
Damn it.
186
00:06:56,118 --> 00:06:58,619
He checks out.
187
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:03,627
Ted. Ted.
188
00:07:03,628 --> 00:07:06,857
What?!

189
00:07:06,858 --> 00:07:08,354
Let's bail, this
place is dead.
190
00:07:08,355 --> 00:07:09,219
Yeah, you're right.
191
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,651
We're both totally striking out.
192
00:07:10,652 --> 00:07:12,026
Exactly, plus,
193
00:07:12,027 --> 00:07:14,343
we're on a tight schedule.
I've got this entire evening
194
00:07:14,344 --> 00:07:16,637
perfectly planned
out... spoiler alert:
195
00:07:16,638 --> 00:07:18,166
our last stop is
an after hours club
196
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:20,771
so after hours, it's
three days from now.
197
00:07:20,772 --> 00:07:22,871
What up.
198
00:07:22,872 --> 00:07:23,859
Are you blind?
199
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,907
I'm making out with a 12.
I am winning.
200
00:07:25,908 --> 00:07:27,670
Yeah, but I didn't get to help.
201
00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:28,900
So you're saying
you want me to throw away

202
00:07:28,901 --> 00:07:32,171
a super hot girl just because
you didn't help me get her?
203
00:07:32,172 --> 00:07:34,002
Apology accepted.
Let's go.
204
00:07:34,003 --> 00:07:35,517
Who's the suit?
205
00:07:35,518 --> 00:07:37,642
This is Barney.
Barney, Amy.
206
00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:39,016
I'm not gonna remember that.
207
00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:40,145
Now, if you'll
excuse me,
208
00:07:40,146 --> 00:07:41,953
random chick from
earlier tonight,
209
00:07:41,954 --> 00:07:43,892
as you shall
henceforth be known,
210
00:07:43,893 --> 00:07:45,630
Ted and I have a
schedule to keep.
211
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:48,532
Oh, well, you can check off
8:54, dress up like a dork
212
00:07:48,533 --> 00:07:50,276
and bother the cool kids.
213
00:07:50,277 --> 00:07:52,063
Beat it, nerd.
214
00:07:52,064 --> 00:07:53,647
Wow. Wow.

215
00:07:53,648 --> 00:07:55,408
Great stuff, Tommy Lee.
216
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:56,368
See, what you don't
understand is
217
00:07:56,369 --> 00:07:58,261
I'm Ted's wingman.
218
00:07:58,262 --> 00:08:00,174
It's a sacred bond,
much stronger than any...
219
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:03,066
They're making out again.
220
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,709
Massage therapist.
221
00:08:05,710 --> 00:08:07,588
And you know what, "Gayle"?
222
00:08:07,589 --> 00:08:11,920
Your piece of chicken
looks a little tense to me.
223
00:08:11,921 --> 00:08:14,816
Oh, oh, does that
feel good, Mr. Chicken?
224
00:08:14,817 --> 00:08:16,041
Well, guess what?
225
00:08:16,042 --> 00:08:18,538
I didn't wash my hands.
226
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,809
Got him.
227
00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:23,256
Lily!
228
00:08:23,257 --> 00:08:25,341
We carry so much
ancient emotion

229
00:08:25,342 --> 00:08:27,149
in our neck
and shoulders.
230
00:08:27,150 --> 00:08:29,774
Things we should have
let go of years ago.
231
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:33,345
I forgive you, Mom.
232
00:08:34,102 --> 00:08:36,262
Lily, we are Ted's
best friends.
233
00:08:36,263 --> 00:08:38,243
Our job is to hate that guy.
234
00:08:38,244 --> 00:08:40,432
Oh, yeah,
that's what I was doing.
235
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,749
I was just building him up
so a few minutes later,
236
00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:47,620
I could totally cut him down.
237
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:52,684
Weren't you wearing a bra?
238
00:08:52,685 --> 00:08:53,464
The night was going great.
239
00:08:53,465 --> 00:08:55,436
Amy was cool and dangerous.
240
00:08:55,437 --> 00:08:57,089
She found a friend for Barney.
241
00:08:57,090 --> 00:08:58,669
She even paid for drinks...
242
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:01,067

sort of.
243
00:09:01,068 --> 00:09:02,294
They know us here.
244
00:09:02,295 --> 00:09:03,498
You're gonna get
us in trouble.
245
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:04,484
Tell me something.
246
00:09:04,485 --> 00:09:05,972
Do you ask your tailor
to leave extra room
247
00:09:05,973 --> 00:09:09,993
in the crotch
for your huge vagina?
248
00:09:10,859 --> 00:09:14,489
You... your vagina...
249
00:09:15,908 --> 00:09:17,267
Ted, this chick is crazy.
250
00:09:17,268 --> 00:09:18,720
We're leaving.
Good idea.
251
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:19,993
Let's all go back
to my place.
252
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:22,408
Your place?
Thanks but no thanks,
253
00:09:22,409 --> 00:09:25,037
1994 Courtney Love.
254
00:09:25,038 --> 00:09:28,283
I have a hot tub.
255
00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:32,304
Okay, this is
actually pretty nice.

256
00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:35,588
I like your tatts.
257
00:09:35,589 --> 00:09:37,582
Thanks, you can play
with them if you want.
258
00:09:37,583 --> 00:09:40,103
They're a hundred
percent real.
259
00:09:40,104 --> 00:09:44,184
No, your tatts... toos,
your tattoos.
260
00:09:44,925 --> 00:09:46,734
Thanks.
261
00:09:46,735 --> 00:09:47,770
You should get one.
262
00:09:47,771 --> 00:09:50,911
Wrong. Ted has a classic,
clean-cut look
263
00:09:50,912 --> 00:09:54,974
that never goes out of style
season after season, burn.
264
00:09:54,975 --> 00:09:57,800
Yeah? Well, I think he
would look hot with some ink.
265
00:09:57,801 --> 00:09:59,634
No, he wouldn't.
Yes, he would.
266
00:09:59,635 --> 00:10:00,879
No, he wouldn't.
267
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,197
Yuh-huh.
Nuh-uh.
268
00:10:03,198 --> 00:10:05,072
I'm ready to do anything

you want by the way.

269
00:10:05,073 --> 00:10:08,673
Anything. Right now.
270
00:10:09,039 --> 00:10:11,539
Ted, who are you gonna side
with on this tattoo thing?
271
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:14,198
I think I'd look
way hot with some ink.
272
00:10:14,199 --> 00:10:17,829
Yeah, you would.
Yeah.
273
00:10:17,899 --> 00:10:19,649
Oh, my God!
Tyler?
274
00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:20,918
Mommy! Daddy!
275
00:10:20,919 --> 00:10:22,696
She's back!
276
00:10:22,697 --> 00:10:27,257
Damn it, they're supposed
to be in the Hamptons. Run!
277
00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:31,149
Sorry. I used to nanny
278
00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:32,823
for those jerks
before they fired me.
279
00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:34,529
So unfair.
Unfair?
280
00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:36,341
I wouldn't let you take care
of the imaginary kids
281
00:10:36,342 --> 00:10:38,923

I make up to score
with single moms.
282
00:10:38,924 --> 00:10:39,600
That's it, Ted.
283
00:10:39,601 --> 00:10:43,111
We're going home.
284
00:10:43,258 --> 00:10:45,303
Ted?
285
00:10:45,304 --> 00:10:47,226
Ted, you okay?
286
00:10:47,227 --> 00:10:49,403
Hello, Ted.
Robin and I are about to make
287
00:10:49,404 --> 00:10:52,198
fantastic aquatic sex
on this windsurfing board.
288
00:10:52,199 --> 00:10:56,699
And I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.
289
00:10:58,666 --> 00:11:00,319
Okay, how do we do this?
290
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,386
I think your leg
goes up, up...
291
00:11:03,387 --> 00:11:05,735
Okay, how about if I, um...
292
00:11:05,736 --> 00:11:06,501
No, mine...
293
00:11:06,502 --> 00:11:08,047
I'm okay.
294
00:11:08,048 --> 00:11:10,810
In fact, here's
how okay I am.

295
00:11:10,811 --> 00:11:11,829
I'm getting a tattoo.
296
00:11:11,830 --> 00:11:14,620
You're not getting
a tattoo, it's not you.
297
00:11:14,621 --> 00:11:18,731
Ted, you are heading
down a dark path.
298
00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:21,934
That dark path
is my driveway.
299
00:11:21,935 --> 00:11:23,168
But you need a plan
300
00:11:23,169 --> 00:11:25,076
and you need a wingman!
301
00:11:25,077 --> 00:11:28,887
This is so going
in my blog!
302
00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:33,898
Want to have sex?
303
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:37,086
Okay.
304
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:38,082
And underneath,
305
00:11:38,083 --> 00:11:40,319
it should
say, "I win. "
306
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,538
And then it should have
flames coming out the bottom.
307
00:11:42,539 --> 00:11:44,042
Fire!
308
00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:46,211

We should start a fire.

309
00:11:46,212 --> 00:11:48,552
After this maybe.
310
00:11:48,553 --> 00:11:50,474
Oh, man, this is
going to be legend.
311
00:11:50,475 --> 00:11:51,695
Wait for it.
312
00:11:51,696 --> 00:11:53,196
And that's all I rember.
313
00:11:53,197 --> 00:11:57,487
The next morning,
I woke up alone back home.
314
00:12:16,386 --> 00:12:17,843
Hey, buddy, how
was your night?
315
00:12:17,844 --> 00:12:20,292
You know,
it was great.
316
00:12:20,293 --> 00:12:22,921
I met this crazy girl,
I almost got a tattoo.
317
00:12:22,922 --> 00:12:24,294
Don't worry.
318
00:12:24,295 --> 00:12:26,128
I didn't, but it was...
319
00:12:26,129 --> 00:12:27,701
It was amazing.
320
00:12:27,702 --> 00:12:32,232
I think it's safe to say,
I am winning this breakup.
321
00:12:32,721 --> 00:12:34,813
Look.

322
00:12:34,814 --> 00:12:36,157
Oh, my God.
323
00:12:36,158 --> 00:12:37,140
What?
324
00:12:37,141 --> 00:12:37,997
Nothing.
325
00:12:37,998 --> 00:12:39,517
This J. Crew catalog.
326
00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:43,808
Who brings two Golden
Retrievers in a canoe?
327
00:12:44,812 --> 00:12:45,765
We got to
call Barney.
328
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,703
Way ahead of you.
329
00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:50,268
Hey, guys, what's
the big emergency?
330
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,773
Oh, and B the W:
331
00:12:51,774 --> 00:12:53,439
I am never speaking
to Ted again.
332
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,804
Mm.
Really? Never?
333
00:12:54,805 --> 00:12:58,758
Not even if, say,
butterflies flew out of his ass?
334
00:12:58,759 --> 00:13:01,584
What?
335
00:13:01,585 --> 00:13:02,737

Ted?
Could you grab me
336
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:06,488
the fondue pot?
337
00:13:06,917 --> 00:13:10,534
He has no idea.
338
00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:14,185
And up we go.
339
00:13:15,625 --> 00:13:17,495
Thank you.
340
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:19,538
What?
341
00:13:19,539 --> 00:13:20,454
Ted?
Mm?
342
00:13:20,455 --> 00:13:23,769
I came here
this morning because...
343
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,894
I want to apologize.
344
00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:27,207
Apology accepted, Barney.
345
00:13:27,208 --> 00:13:30,291
As you can see, I do
just fine on my own.
346
00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:31,616
I don't need a baby-sitter.
347
00:13:31,617 --> 00:13:33,005
See, all this time,
348
00:13:33,006 --> 00:13:34,725
I thought you need
a wingman to fly,
349

00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,917

but the truth is, you...
350
00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:38,336
you've got your
own wings now.
351
00:13:38,337 --> 00:13:39,668
Mm.
352
00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:43,070
Since you and Robin split,
you've been gestating.
353
00:13:43,071 --> 00:13:46,701
Growing in your coon.
354
00:13:46,805 --> 00:13:48,263
And last night...
355
00:13:48,264 --> 00:13:51,618
...you burst out of
that cocoon like a...
356
00:13:51,619 --> 00:13:54,611
like a majestic, uh...
357
00:13:54,612 --> 00:13:57,401
Gosh, what is it that
comes out of a cocoon?
358
00:13:57,402 --> 00:13:59,684
I was always
bad at science.
359
00:13:59,685 --> 00:14:02,012
He's going to say it!
360
00:14:02,013 --> 00:14:05,557
A butterfly?
361
00:14:05,558 --> 00:14:06,416
What?
362
00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,654
Nothing, buddy.

363
00:14:08,655 --> 00:14:12,495
Ow! Why did that hurt so...?
364
00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:18,431
Oh, my God!
365
00:14:18,432 --> 00:14:20,744
I have a tattoo!
366
00:14:20,745 --> 00:14:21,947
Oh, that's not a tattoo.
367
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:25,250
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.
368
00:14:25,251 --> 00:14:26,511
A tramp stamp.
369
00:14:26,512 --> 00:14:28,346
You know, a ho tag.
370
00:14:28,347 --> 00:14:29,962
Ass antlers.
371
00:14:29,963 --> 00:14:32,510
A Panama City license plate.
372
00:14:32,511 --> 00:14:34,449
And suddenly,
it all came back to me.
373
00:14:34,450 --> 00:14:35,934
...dary!
374
00:14:35,935 --> 00:14:39,420
Legendary!
375
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:42,832
Man, I am so winning
this breakup.
376
00:14:42,833 --> 00:14:44,551
Mm. I just broke up
377

00:14:44,552 --> 00:14:46,028

with my boyfriend Steve.
378
00:14:46,029 --> 00:14:47,608
He was totally annoying.
He was, like,
379
00:14:47,609 --> 00:14:49,514
"I think you're the one,
I want to marry you. "
380
00:14:49,515 --> 00:14:52,005
What a wuss.
381
00:14:52,006 --> 00:14:52,605
Do you think
382
00:14:52,606 --> 00:14:53,970
exes can be friends?
383
00:14:53,971 --> 00:14:55,327
Yeah, sure.
384
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:59,031
I mean, we're still friends,
right, Steve?
385
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,413
Hey, your
name is Steve.
386
00:15:01,414 --> 00:15:02,006
And her
387
00:15:02,007 --> 00:15:04,332
ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.
388
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,532
What are the odds of that...?
389
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,983
Wait.
390
00:15:10,551 --> 00:15:12,157
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
391

00:15:12,158 --> 00:15:14,336

Give me this.
392
00:15:14,337 --> 00:15:16,309
Oh, yeah, that'll
get it out.
393
00:15:16,310 --> 00:15:18,678
Maybe you should
try club soda.
394
00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:19,835
Ow. Damn it, it really hurts.
395
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:20,746
I need, like,
396
00:15:20,747 --> 00:15:22,102
some ointment
or something.
397
00:15:22,103 --> 00:15:23,389
What's this?
398
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:26,990
Spanish massage oil.
399
00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:30,878
Spanish massage oil?
400
00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:36,073
What happened here last night?
401
00:15:36,247 --> 00:15:39,877
Last night got weird.
402
00:16:06,064 --> 00:16:08,656
Feel the emotions release.
403
00:16:08,657 --> 00:16:13,247
Think I just got over
being chunky in the ninth grade.
404
00:16:13,553 --> 00:16:16,422
You're beautiful.
405

00:16:16,423 --> 00:16:20,173

I am beautiful.
406
00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:23,991
Experience your food.
407
00:16:27,772 --> 00:16:31,472
Try the mango.
408
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:35,991
Okay, that's enough
of the fruit.
409
00:16:35,992 --> 00:16:37,340
We're sorry, Ted.
410
00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:38,682
It'll never happen again.
411
00:16:38,683 --> 00:16:39,761
It meant
nothing to us.
412
00:16:39,762 --> 00:16:42,173
It just felt really,
really, really good.
413
00:16:42,174 --> 00:16:44,666
Oh! I can't even look
at you two right now.
414
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:47,967
Ted...
415
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:53,130
He got a tramp stamp.
416
00:17:01,261 --> 00:17:03,856
All right, first of all,
this isn't one of those,
417
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,499
"I came all the way over here
because I want you back" things.
418
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,714
There'll be no startling

confession of love,
419
00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:10,529
no sweet indie rock
song that swells up
420
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,689
just as we're about to kiss,
none of that crap. Got it?
421
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:13,874
Okay.
Good.
422
00:17:13,875 --> 00:17:15,671
Now, here's the thing.
423
00:17:15,672 --> 00:17:17,130
It sucks that you came
back from Argentina
424
00:17:17,131 --> 00:17:18,891
with someone as
awesome as Gael.
425
00:17:18,892 --> 00:17:20,920
And I know I have no
right to be upset at you.
426
00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:22,928
We're broken up, life
goes on, whatever.
427
00:17:22,929 --> 00:17:24,718
But you know what?
We-We never did this.
428
00:17:24,719 --> 00:17:26,297
We-We had this
polite breakup
429
00:17:26,298 --> 00:17:27,959
with no irrational
yelling, and...
430
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,110
and that's just wrong!

431
00:17:29,111 --> 00:17:31,798
So, I'm going to yell
irrationally for a little while,
432
00:17:31,799 --> 00:17:33,125
and you're just going
to have to stand there
433
00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:34,533
and deal with it, okay?
434
00:17:34,534 --> 00:17:35,853
If you feel like
you need to do that, then...
435
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,251
I think I do!
436
00:17:37,252 --> 00:17:38,641
I really think I do!
437
00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:42,212
So now I'm yelling!
438
00:17:42,618 --> 00:17:44,039
You shaved.
I did!
439
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,645
I liked the beard.
I liked it, too, but it
440
00:17:45,646 --> 00:17:47,020
was getting kind of hot!
441
00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:47,989
Maybe in the winter,
442
00:17:47,990 --> 00:17:51,650
I'll grow it back out!
443
00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:54,135
Okay, I'm done.
444
00:17:54,136 --> 00:17:57,134
I know it was weird

showing up with Gael.

445
00:17:57,135 --> 00:18:00,227
I'm sorry.
446
00:18:00,228 --> 00:18:03,353
Look, us breaking up...
it was the right thing.
447
00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:05,519
But it took some time to
get over you, you know?
448
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,526
I- I'm still
getting over you.
449
00:18:07,527 --> 00:18:08,537
But you? You were over it
450
00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:09,827
the minute they started
the in-flight movie.
451
00:18:09,828 --> 00:18:11,152
Over it?!
452
00:18:11,153 --> 00:18:12,536
My first three days
in Argentina,
453
00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:14,851
I cried my eyes out.
454
00:18:14,852 --> 00:18:15,725
I missed you
455
00:18:15,726 --> 00:18:17,201
so much.
456
00:18:17,202 --> 00:18:19,790
I wanted to go
and prove how adventurous I am,
457
00:18:19,791 --> 00:18:23,164
but the truth is...
it was really lonely.

458
00:18:23,165 --> 00:18:26,634
And that's why Gael happened.
459
00:18:26,635 --> 00:18:28,868
You weren't trying
to win the breakup?
460
00:18:28,869 --> 00:18:32,679
I was trying to survive it.
461
00:18:33,157 --> 00:18:34,373
Okay.
462
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:35,125
No.
463
00:18:35,126 --> 00:18:37,373
See, look, that
all sounds good, and
464
00:18:37,374 --> 00:18:39,891
we'll still be friends
and move on, but...
465
00:18:39,892 --> 00:18:41,839
did he have to be so hot?
466
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,044
The guy's
an Adonis.
467
00:18:43,045 --> 00:18:44,185
He's not an Adonis.
468
00:18:44,186 --> 00:18:46,593
He's the Cadillac
of rebound guys.
469
00:18:46,594 --> 00:18:48,621
Marshall has a
crush on him!
470
00:18:48,622 --> 00:18:49,418
The guy's perfect.
471

00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:50,236

He's not perfect.
472
00:18:50,237 --> 00:18:51,436
Oh, come on.
473
00:18:51,437 --> 00:18:55,419
He's hot, he wind surfs,
he massages things.
474
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:58,299
Name one way I'm
better than that guy.
475
00:18:58,300 --> 00:18:59,611
You're bigger.
476
00:18:59,612 --> 00:19:00,750
Don't patronize
me. If anything,
477
00:19:00,751 --> 00:19:02,146
he may even be a
little bit taller.
478
00:19:02,147 --> 00:19:05,897
No. Ted... you're bigger.
479
00:19:06,455 --> 00:19:08,879
I win!
480
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,059
Kids, I can't remember exactly
481
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:13,129
what helped me get through
the whole Robin-Gael incident.
482
00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:16,302
I'm sure that it was something
profound and meaningful,
483
00:19:16,303 --> 00:19:19,198
and not at all macho and petty,
484
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,069
but after that,

I was back on my feet.

485
00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:25,321
And what followed was a new era
in my life,a crazy time
486
00:19:25,322 --> 00:19:27,635
unlike anything
that came before.
487
00:19:27,636 --> 00:19:29,560
It's funny looking back
at those days,
488
00:19:29,561 --> 00:19:33,539
knowing now exactly
what I was heading towards.
489
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:37,470
And what was heading
towards me.
490
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:46,387
Go for Barney.
491
00:19:46,388 --> 00:19:48,607
Hey, man, it's Marshall.
492
00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:49,963
Check your e-mail.
493
00:19:49,964 --> 00:19:51,696
Sent you something.
494
00:19:51,697 --> 00:19:52,627
What is it?
495
00:19:52,628 --> 00:19:54,376
Just a new Web site.
496
00:19:54,377 --> 00:19:57,947
Slapcountdown. com.
497
00:19:59,973 --> 00:20:02,212
What does this mean?
498

00:20:02,213 --> 00:20:04,650

M- Marshall?
499
00:20:04,651 --> 00:20:08,101
Ma...
500
00:20:11,870 --> 00:20:14,409
No.
501
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,499
}; before I could meet her.
502
00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,000
And that story begins here.
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