According to recent media reports, the esteemed British physicist and author Stephen Hawking has been frequenting

a Southern California sex club. My reaction to that news: Are you sure it was him? Not that Professor Hawking couldnt or shouldnt go to what one paper called a jiggle joint. or what the Midwest vernacular refers to as a titty bar but, rather, my doubt stems from the fact that Im often mistaken for other people. Not that Ive been mistaken for Stephen Hawking to my knowledge, anyway which I primarily attribute to the fact that the professor is a good 25 years older than I am, I have better teeth and I can speak although. We do both wear glasses but thats not the point, I suppose. But this does not surprise me. Strangers frequently mistake me for someone else. They just do. One night in a diner, a waitress insisted that the words Id used to eulogize her cousin a little person who was once part of Kid Rocks entourage were so beautiful, that I could not pay for my omelet at 3 AM. When I told her she was mistaken, she told me that I was just being modest and gave me a wink. And there have been other times: times in malls or on dates or in school. But, no one is ever surprised by my appearance in these situations: no one inquires if Ive had an accident or been in a car wreck; no one ever exclaims: Oh my God, Dave, are you okay?!? because Dave (or Bill, or Tom) must use a wheelchair, too. It stars out innocuously enough: people think I went to junior high with them; I must have gone to junior high with them. And Im okay with that. Its not uncommon for me to hear something like, Arent you that guy from the church outing last year? Or, around Labor Day: Didnt I see you on TV last night? Sorry. Wrong telethon. Must have been some other guy on wheels.

Whats really pisses me off is when people dont take no for an answer. Oh, come on. You are that guy! Or at least you know him, right? Because we all live in the same group home, or something, right? I dont take this kind of stuff too personally I try not to, anyway. (A) Im used to it. And (B) Im certain other folks in wheelchairs experience it, too. In fact, remarks like these are so common that a friend recently suggested I start a Twitter feed or a tumblr whatever the hell that is about it. Like Overheard in the Newsroom or Clients from Hell, only it would be stuff the able-bodied say to people with disabilities. Itd be a gold mine. But I dont like the shit thats said to me Im funny that way. Why do people do this? Do we really all look alike? Dont other minorities hate this idea? Why is it my turn with it? What hurts the most is when the mistaken identity becomes a judgment, a remark about how people perceive me. How am I supposed to feel when a stranger says, Its so beautiful to see you outside today, which I recently heard at a busy street corner and puzzled 0over? All I can think to say in response is, You, too! To be sure, there are plenty of neutral and even backhandedly flattering examples. Jokes about my equipment are especially frequent, as in, You got a license to drive that chair, buddy? Or, Im gonna give you a speeding ticket! to the point that I was actually glad when I got hit by a car and lost my massive power chair. And Ive been called heroic and inspirational more times than Moses, Jesus and Muhammad combined.

PS and I know I go against the accepted and preferred behavior, here for conversing with a disable person but dont squat down to talk to me. I can look up at you just fine. And youll save wear and tear on your eyes in the long run, because I wont have to stab you with my keys. But I digress The worst are the random, uninvited prescriptions. Being told how to drive my chair, for instance turn around and back into the elevator, say by someone whos never used a wheelchair (Again, Im grateful I was hit by a car.) Or if I only tried vitamin E or accepted Jesus Christ, Id rise up and dance! And the remarks directed at whoever is with me that demean us both: if I go to the movies with my black friends and people assume theyre my nurse. Or ask a girlfriend if Im her brother because I cant merely have friends or a lover. My junk works. But I digress, again People shouldnt comment about strangers, especially if the comments are weird, inappropriately familiar or generally shitty. The worst of them reveal that, in these strangers eyes, Im not a person but an object Im an oddity, a noble sufferer or a needy specimen whos burdening others. At best, Im mistaken for someone familiar and I get free eggs. Perhaps I should take advantage of this by doing something illegal or act on one of my extreme fetishes again, my junk works in a public forum. Id get away with it because no one would believe it was me.