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1. Robben Wainer 526 West 152nd Street N.Y. N.Y. 10031 robbenwainer@yahoo.

com 212-862-0 05

!" #ibido$ %y &i'e as an (erma)hrodite* +y Robben Wainer

In my song to myself, I see a vision a fair complexioned mountain nymph, bathing herself in a thin silk robe by a clear pond, while she is caressing Lilly flowers as she passes by with a stroke of her gentle touch. She is my secret self, bathing in mystery and perfection, with a sense of wonder, and a quiet refrain in tears of loss. et she does not stare at her reflection she is a natural passion I have, to become her. She arouses in me the most !ealous nature of inner conflict and struggle, as her innocence foretells the sadness in the desperation of men and their quest for power. "er breasts are open and there is a thought that there is a heaven is my refuge. Seeing for the first time in the wilderness someone who is perhaps all I will ever know about my relationship to self and the opposite sex. In the same song I see a handsome male who is sturdy and robust. "is displeasure is that few people are left aware of his victories. "e is brown haired with a touch of gold, as he is indeed staring at the beauty of his own reflection. "e sees a never ending fate in proving himself in battles of a #ealous nature. "e sees the paradox of being blinded by his one sided attempt to find nocturnal pleasure. "e is a self seeking $arcissist, and wishes only for the honor%s of the &ods to pay him respect, as he is possessed with extreme natural beauty.

'. I was born to my (other and to my twin sister. (y mother was my first experience with pleasure and pain and fear or flight. (y sister I dreamed of like she was )leopatra. Incest in my family was done sub#ectively, hurtfully, but in some cases by mutual consent. (y sister was my first sexual transmission of pleasureful energy. She was a queen who was as strong physically and mentally as any of my male peers. *s we shared intercourse the first time, her goal was to remove the fear of male nudity from my experience. +ith her I may never have been a closet homosexual other than the fact that we left one another, and to my misfortune I became a lost soul moving in the direction of phobia. (y sister was a natural athlete. I only equaled her when I would dance. ,o my embarrassment I came to my first high school gym class wearing high heeled leather boots with a fur lining. It was three months before I showed up again in sneakers. I say my Sister was like )leopatra as her ideology lead her to emulating -ueen Isabella of Spain, not because she was in denial, but because she set the pattern for my initial bi.sexuality, when at first I was only aroused by her firm muscular body, and with other boyfriends when thinking of her. ,his is the story of my libido and what it means to be a single gendered hermaphrodite, as I had wished that for all the radical views of politics inherited by family, that my later decision to come out of the homosexual closet could be a great emotional victory that leads the way to freedom of choice, and freedom of belief, I grew up with my older brother who had a deceptive way of living in a wet dream. "e was vulnerable, as his sexual energy lead him to being victimi!ed, as it it also lead to his sadism. I could hear him in his bedroom, while e#aculating into his sheets, as by the fourth or sixth time per day. "e no longer had any feeling of pride left for our family. I was sitting on pins and needles hoping for a normal experience. It seems the only feeling that was worth anything was to continue to share my innocence in dance and gymnastics, without the embarrassment of seducing my sister in response to my passes. et she came to terms with my struggle for identity, as it took me almost twenty years to do the

/. this, with confessions, and an attempt at living a priestly nature. (y family shares a resistance to confiding in intimacy with one another, primarily for the reason, that at one time we had made each other our partners, when we needed to show careful discretion. I found in this strange way that I could be as good as the girls, as I reali!ed this was already an experience of role reversal.

(y puberty ran through me like a fast moving train. It was the first time that #ealousy proved to be a mental obsession so powerful that I left my parents at their wits end, uncertain if they could rely on me for family support. 0uring my parents divorce, my father had taken up with my best friends mother, who smothered me with kisses as we made secret love of our wishful thinking. I became her fetish her kind of play doll, as I felt agony that I was making my (other%s condition worse. ,he guilt and shame of a masturbatory crush became potent as I began to date my 1ather%s companion. I grew compulsive as I reali!ed I had crossed the boundaries. I suffered from a psychosis that influenced me into inciting #ealousy. 2eally I was taken advantage of and used by a woman whose fatal obsession would result in her chastity. She became sadistic as it seemed I became the ob#ect of her destruction, as sadistically she tried to manipulate the circumstance to show me how many people had been hurt, including herself for taking up with a child. I slept with her son, who is the first person I gained the influence that competition incites harm on their neighbor. "e was a mature adolescent who loved the temptation of nudity and the willingness shared by his male counterparts to be his lovers. "e had a violent streak that was not afforded to him, as his day dreaminess set him off in a path of self defamation that almost made him catatonic. Inspired by the times that our group was to become the minds of the future. ou%ve never seen two boys acting like such girls, while wondering what it would feel like to lose their virginity.

3. ,here I was the sex idol of a family who left me impressionable and often times physically hurt. (y brother took us to midnight movies, as we transgressed into the worlds of becoming transvestites. I don%t know why I found this en#oyable. (y school performance began to suffer, as I felt that to return to my origin I must do so as a female. I prided myself on the emotional victories, as I was left in complete abandon by my (other who #ust grew scared that I was letting my instincts and impulses create so much damage. I thought I was protected but was really introduced to my own exploitation and the exploitation of others as sex symbols for the first time. I became introduced to the concept of sex,drugs and rock and roll for the first time in private school. $ever had I seen so many rich kids using and getting high to such an extent. I was in love with a girl, or believed a bisexual experience could last, as I experienced oral sex for the first time with her older lovers. She had had many lovers, as I sat and melted #ust wishing she could take off her clothes to repeat the experience that created in me the vision of becoming a teen idol. ,his love or wishful thinking did not reciprocate. "ow quickly did I move into the darkness like a spell, of being trapped by my own precariousness. I was building for myself my own closet filled with the different personality types of men I wished to become. So often the exploits of emotion make one feel bitterly used, as attempts at suicide can feel like they may be a final restitution. (y family grew bitterly angry, as I had already made my exploits of being a fashionable queen present. +e no longer believed in the sanctity of my mind, as girls kept calling my home to tell me their fantasies. I lived in a play land that grew increasingly dangerous. *s the values of soundness of minds detached me from setting realistic goals. ,his was my social network at the time, for making the mistake of being cute, I was cut down to si!e by my own submissions, really I could never take drugs safely without this feeling of castration, and the emptiness that rose in a great depression. I was scared as a teenager, and alone with my feelings which insured that I would become vulnerable and victimi!ed. (y only solution was to be that teen

4. idol, which I never came close to until my late twenties and early thirties, when I made some movement happen as a bass player who fancied the rhythm and blues. ,hese were my days of wine and roses which were too much for a child to take in. $ot until my teenage years ended did it become imperative to make restitution to my (other, my father who #ust witnessed all of this, and were never quite sure what to believe or what to expect. ,he vain glorious need for real stimulation from a partner who could understand gay incentives became imperative. ,here were whole years that followed where I was protected by lovers who helped me to feel good about having male partners,and my experience with them. ,he #a!! scene caught my attention during a state of emotional trouble. I listened to men recite my oedipal complex on their instruments, while I could not fully get in touch with my own sense of self. I had come along way in physical abilities, a point that I will return to. +hile for now I am referring to a time when I grew my hair long, wore dashikis and smoked clove cigarettes. +e all had the dream of making a pilgrimage to travel out west. ,he state of free love was a temptation that incited a state of inhibitions. I learned that I did in fact have family who were survivors of the "olocaust. et my mind was bent on cheap thrills and getting over. I was living a hobo%s lifestyle, one in which envy plagued me with angry toxins. et I surrendered in defeat having failed the test of heroics that would have been the path I chose for myself. I inherited a )asanova complex from my 1ather, but my mind was busy, and never experienced being adored by a harem. *ll of the teenage fantasies and stories I took in created an isolated anxiety that made me feel as though the truth of my emotions were too confused to feel anything other than pain. In truth I was in a crisis. I was picked up one night for an evening of fellatio by a woman who got me high as I lay in bed with her menage a tois. *s much as I wanted to be an expert at cunnilingus. I was disgraced by observing her lover penetrate her. I had only believed in a pure form of love with the opposite sex. *fter a couple of nights of

5. busing tables, I got in with a homosexual crowd. I was insulted as being their pre madonna youth, I en#oyed the penetration while it lasted until the restaurant had exceeded it%s limits of living out their fantasy. I was understanding the concept of bullying without being aware of the sub#ect. +hile it was a losing game, for as much as I wanted to be #ust different I was being ostraci!ed by my own community. I would lose sight of my own virtue over drinks and getting high, and did not fully accept the pure beauty of the same sex attraction. In fact I was living a life that was a little dirty, while wishing my rebelliousness would lead to a statement. et I was punished for it and given a #uvenile delinquent card . +hich made me certain I had steered clear into the wrong type of trouble, for being so highly influential as to the carnal pleasure which but for the grace of &od could have made me a dope addict. $udity has always been an issue in my family. *s to it being oedipal, constraining and exposing fears that lead to isolation. +ith an idyllic rationali!ation in my family that we believed in that summari!ed our lack of dress for living the way the &ods had intended us to live. (y brother had already become a psycho maniac, and psycho somatic. I, lost in my pilgrimage out west which made no room for innocence. +ith my only thought being that to include myself in the gay life was as good as any. et I was destroyed by my own condition of not knowing what to expect from adulthood, half knowingly that I was living in denial. I became the cause and effect of all of my fears. *s I was afraid of becoming an adult. (asculinity was a beautiful state of grace in my thoughts, but somehow in a perverted sense it became the self seeking that occupied me with a reason to let men touch my body. I don%t know when I stopped having the need to be a girl, or why that feeling comes back in deceptive ways when I am traumati!ed. I only wish that my full maturity did not have to be dressed up, for a fashion show, or a statement about an androgynous female persona. (y mother was clearly intellectually stronger than my father, and while a woman of great skill,

6. was the only person to show me patients enough to allow me to allow me to feel my feeling, and all of my thoughts and emotions. I remember being kicked out of high school for truancy, and collapsed in the corner and wept with grief. I cried because of the fact that people were important to me, and grew sensitive to the feeling of letting others down, and to those who stood in my way, while for the most part the choices weren%t clear, as they seemed to drift from one episode to the next. I was given the advice not to change, meaning not to change again, and for that I was thankful for. et I do not always know what carries over from one period to the next, when submitting to phobia feels like the same punishment I felt, when accused of not feeling the feelings of others.

I had the ability to stretch into a perfect split as a 7allet dancer from the age of five to fifteen. *fterward to perform one, took strict discipline either in fasting, and8or with my vices. 7y the age of fourteen I had earned a degree as a black belt in 9udo. I gradually lost interest in professional sports, while this gradual decrease, I was caught in some moments of ama!ement while watching the :lympics. *s a dancer I grew out of my first fatal attraction and found compatibility with a competitor, who believed as I do that there should be some distance for an affair to work. ,he 7olshoi was my most promising accomplishment in 7allet, while having to kiss the choreographers on the lips as they referred to me as their little Labium. I played a number of roles some in the ;.S.S.2. 7ut was becoming increasingly more effeminate. In fact I was becoming effeminate to a point of exaggeration, where one of my own performances was a biographical sketch performed by trans gender assimilation of my body on stage. 0ance proved to be my foundation in the only real athletics I competed in which was gymnastics, while I was being removed from school to adapt to a life of literary works, in school I only overcame my fear of being in the closet, and of women. (y dance partner believed that women possessed a great strength if, and when they could focus on feminine virtues. +e were compatible in a way that built confidence in each others steps. I was

<. mixed up and in the closet. She did not have as much experience with men who might like to partner with her, she had an unmovable place in my heart, as I found that mutually we were skilled at reading each others conscious. ,ogether we had children, but were also in danger of anorexic preferences. I had never seen myself so clearly as I had in her, as the trust in distancing ourselves in crisis, always seemed to reciprocate some fortuitous comment or statement about what love means. +e raised our children together, while when not performing or taking classes, I tried to stay home for them. ,he task was too challenging for me as a teenager, but I was grateful to find worthy guardians when the agreement and conditions changed. ,his took a long healing process for things to get better, but as the family grew more and more educated our views changed. I believe my first wife who stayed in school became valedictorian, and attended "arvard. )learly I was in conflict with living even a gay life style that I was comfortable with, when deeply emotional attributes required open communication. I was only hurt when trying to compete, and found I had no real calling to be a celebrity. I met up with my sister again at the age of fifteen, who had chosen the right path for herself, as we were both at a disadvantage mainly by the movements of our peer groups, and peer pressures. She went to an art school, developed literary skills in =nglish and went on to become a certified >hysical ,herapist. I had tried to do too much too soon, and while I could understand hypothetical logic and reasoning, I still felt different. +ith my sister, I had sweet dreams filled with sodomy, with most of the male friends we had friendships with, I became fearful that my coming out was going to mean our getting married, which we were, and were not, but lived out a legacy of performing miracles for each other, on each others behalf. :nly as 7allerina did I first grow comfortable with making love to, and having other boyfriends, and literally this only happened a few times. (y heart opened to others who were not fearful or competitive about the amount or quality of experience. It seems apart from my affair with my sister I never really cheated on my first wife, who spent time with me as we cast spells of romance

?. sharing a bedroom of feminine and gay pride. 1rom this experience I would favor experiencing sex with a stronger woman, but that was also being closed minded as it was important to me to be faithful to the women I was with, even if it meant surviving my sexual affairs with other men. Somehow this lead others to believe I was loyal. I also felt more at ease with a masculine pride, that proved to be the greatest digression from homophobia, when en#oying homosexual attachments. Shortly after failing out of "igh School I was becoming disabled. I felt confused about appropriate aggression, and being locked up. I was more confused about being locked up for my own protection from suicidal tendencies. (y last great achievement was in gymnastics in the ;S &ames, but slowly I had to bury this feeling in shame, and kept out of view except in matters where practice held promise, and interesting accomplishments were earned from a retiree who was out of the spotlight. (y first real boyfriend, outside of the playroom, was with a genuine and sincere peer, who was also tall, dark and handsome. +e had shared a mutual girlfriend though at different times, while seeing that she had a toxic effect on us. She thought our love should be as a suicide note, yet our experience together was completely compatible. (y first boyfriend placed me under house arrest for going back into the closet, and wishing my life were hetero. "e also proved he could out tough the revenge I sought on the bullies that mocked me. (y love for him felt in all words of decency was one that was normal. (eaning I felt the attraction was sustainable of positive experiences. "e believed that I truly did reach my potential in 0ance and &ymnastics, while he could see the trouble I was having in school had much to do with the identity I was developing. +e were teenagers and already began to suffer from family crisis. (ine was more of an incestuous obsessive crisis that created hysteria in needing a partner. (y own identity believed myself to have a womanly quality. (y boyfriend shared my developing interest in the 7uddha and in @rishna, yet I feel he might have discovered what I did, which was that many times their disciplines were induced, or in my history were sub#ect to spells and even witch craft that made normal self expression a conflict. I believed in his

1A. words that I should listen to talks of cause and effect, and how a non action is followed by an action. +hile he was never really an open lover, I don%t feel his torment of me was for any other reason than I was threatened by my own self affliction, as a lover I believe he was protecting me with the discipline of having to reach adulthood. :ur mutual allergy to alcohol, had something to do with a psychological disposition, and not really believing in the heresy or legends of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. +e shared the advantage of being able to defend our status, but the disadvantage of needing to be a big shot while at this very act. :ur mutual lover had written us both off, as what proved to be her own suicide, one would say the act was committed, by the senseless mind games she played on others, and not being prepared enough to be the center of attention at which she placed herself. I remember how his body quivered when I swallowed him during oral sex. ,hat is what felt so normal, almost absent of trials and tribulations, except for being found out and sent into therapy. I believe we did share an allergy to drugs and alcohol as we placed our intelligences in high esteem, and our sensitivity to establishing a relationship between us in high regard. +ith me he was aggressive, but again I felt it was to protect me from hurting myself. Later on in life I met up with him as the "ells *ngels I needed to stay clear from, but I knew he was still looking from a hopeless release from the obsession of mind and body. *fter I confided him that I knew that abuse took another form that was different from our own infatuation, I commented that this may be the trouble he was getting into, being a hell%s angel didn%t seem to be important to him anymore. I think he was pushing himself to the limits, as he confessed if he didn%t stop playing with trouble, he was going to wind up hopeless, and on the streets like everyone else. "is philosophy was that one may have to suffer from an experience with death to really deal with the pain they are suffering from. ,ogether I believe in our innocence we had the misfortune of watching our close friends waste their own lives. ,hrough out it all, what was most cunning and

11. baffling was how our egos could be so much alike. I think under more mature circumstances I would take pride in his confessions that he did what he had to do in order to survive, in the same way I did, for protection from evils such as vanity, and living too close to the edge. I believe we make an interesting story, of needing to conquer each others misplaced emotions of the opposite sex. 1irst his victory, than apparently mine later on. I also believe the peer pressure we received from others was also an attack made from #ealousy, and sheer expression of how fearful they would be if ever going through with it. +e each had our virginity%s and homosexuality to deal with after adolescence, which again I can safely say we each at least survived. *s the experience comes to a close, what I find most interesting is our own admission of needing to stay clear from drugs and alcohol, as the lesson we learned in survival, that could prevent both of us from ever having to hurt ourselves, by playing the victim, and playing the big shot. In seeing this as a study of psychological traits, I ask the question, is it possible to survive being $arcissisticB Is self reflection so inundating that being $arcissistic will certainly lead to suicide. I am sure there are many who have felt their potential for actual love relationships to be the most profound. ,hat in understanding their own experiences and the unfortunate unrequited experiences that went along with it, it is possible to release ones self from the merciless obsession that would have us believe that our sexuality is one of divine nature. Is it possible that our interest in self gratification come from a deeply open wound that must be penetrated for a final restitution to be accomplished. )an we go on believing that we are chosen to be the epitome of everyone%s sexual desire and fantasy, while the circumstances and situations of this tie was actually prevent this from occurring, due to the potential for danger and the psychological implications, that one could live in the image of the other. ,hen what of this self reflection. Is it safe to say that understanding our moods is a healthy challenge. "ow does one open up to this loneliness of regret, and perhaps this combustion of experiencing a great deal of mixed emotions. *re these the things that will satisfy our own

1'. precariousness, or is our sexuality more of a firm statement of belief that an experience will lead to pleasure. +hen we wallow in self pity and regrets what are the ties that form a bridge back to lifeB )an we accept when an answer comes back no that presumably that is final. Is there anyone who is truly &ods gift to mankind serving each of our pleasure for the sake of preserving their own beauty. Self reflection than rather than being the final statement of fulfilling each of our sexual dreams, may be the ability in understanding that we were improperly motivated in tempting the desire of a personality type that appears to be shallow. ,hat the conflict must be observed in our own inner psyche when a mood swing informs us of our own disposition to gratification and re#ection. +e must accept both our highs and lows. Sexual satisfaction is not the only measure of our self worth. +e must accept that when we are struggling with is a conflict that may be preoccupying our thoughts. ,hat when we are coaxed into believing that sexuality is a possibility that this is a realistic proposition, that two people can care for one another in a way in which their sincerity opens the doors to new avenues of self expression. So it is that the highs and the lows must be observed as our way of living in reality, is this measure that we can realistically look at to see the hole that is open in our wounds, and hope that one day we may be blessed to fill this emptiness with appropriate care and affection. +hat then of the $arcissistB )an we say he must understand ob#ectively what he is the sub#ect of and what he is being sub#ected to. )an we say that his thoughtless affirmation of his chosen grace put him at the disadvantage of not seeing the turmoil in his own life. ,o survive this blind side of love where desire is all that one can speak of, and the quality of life so obviously flawed, since the condition one finds themselves must warrant their attending to their inter.personal needs. (eaning that one must also see how age and maturity is about developing a sense of confidence and acceptance that allows for others to live in the world, without being a cause for self affliction and martyrdom in a self fulfilling prophecy.

1/. I believe the answer is yes one can survive who is $arcissistic by seeing that others who are are struggling with their own forms of identity are really turning to them for support. 7y setting an example that deals with maturity by overcoming the denial of their own inner struggles and conflicts one can see how suicide does not prove anything, that we are never alone in a world that knows we are struggling to find peace of mind. I believe the moral of the $arcissist tale is that situations change over time. ,hat one who cannot perceive themselves ever pulling through from an inner struggle, may drown themselves in the hopeless solution that would call for all of us to be #ust like them. ,hat one who sees that times of waiting and who are basically living in the transference of emotions, may not have to be so blinded by the powers physical beauty possesses so as to make choices that can deepen their inner experience and show that confidence in believing in the validation of their emotional integrity.

,he second psychological proposition I choose to make is that one can be an incest survivor without turning to suicide. ,he :edipal syndrome in my case lead to a duplicity of distorted experiences that were all fed by guilt and shame, and presented an illusion as to having the freedom to choose my partnerships. (y father proved to lack the sociali!ation skills that could address his own callous and mischievous behavior, as slowly, his own confession before he died was that I had been the best lover for him. (y brother, when I was six years old lined me up on my knees to have me blow off himself and two of his friends. ,heir distortion of the behavior that victimi!ed me, made me pursue an uncertain and volatile combination of fear and loathing for my parent%s sex. In fact, by being a little too benign and innocent I replaced the social relations of that both my father and my brother had. I%ve often felt that I lost my entire adolescence to this distortion of reality, (y father would pick me up for what was our date, as I could never actually carry out the role of becoming a decent lover. ,he guilt and shame that hovered over my vision like a blinder, carried within the con#ecture that I

13. would never be suitable for a real relationship with either sex. In fact my one attempt at suicide came about from the paranoia that I would never amount to anything except being the ob#ect of my father%s and my brother%s arousal. ,his mortal sin, which is an inhumane quality of all human development, in my case wasn%t an accident that happened once. ,his incestuous agreement closed the doors on the likelihood of experiencing a real emotional tie. In fact I felt I was the victim of demon%s and evil spirits who cast spells over me. ,his lack of social skills, built a character that was degenerate and that detested popularity. I began to learn that I was not at fault for my father%s inability to express himself to others. I had inherited an almost venomous attraction in modeling good looks from my mother. In some way, I was her replacement in my father%s eyes. ,hese misplaced emotions had to be understood for what they were, while seeming diabolical they expressed an extreme weakness in the case of my brother and father, as I turned to alcohol, narcotics and pornography as a way to see out side myself. In my twenties I began to gain some fulfillment as to the pleasurable feeling that were aroused by sexual behavior. ;ntil then I was desperately avoiding feeling anything at all. I was numb, and had completely nullified all my thoughts of my sincere qualities becoming prevalent in a strong partnership. (y experiences were bi sexual before they became homosexual. In that to make an ad#ustment, and to accommodate to an attitude of healthy living, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had to step out of being a pseudo )asanova by show, and come out of the closet to accept life on life%s terms. It is ama!ing how your own family members may never ask for forgiveness. *s I developed more traits of a pure conscious and innocence, I was less traumati!ed by my father%s inability to establish emotional terms with his lovers. $either of my parents outwardly accepted or re#ected my homosexuality. I feel one more re#ection of my sexuality may have chastised all my possibilities for growth. Cery slowly the weaning process took effect in my family, as it became apparent that we would survive each others resentment, of showing signs of sexual behavior in partnerships, either together or

14. apart. ,he result of all this deception was that sex was something dirty, which I had to overcome, by seeing that I was used as an ob#ect, by my family, who distorted their own ability to cope and maintain in affairs of the heart. (y conclusion is that as heartless and thoughtless as developing relationships that are based on incest may seem. It is perfectly honest to bring into the light that we reached differing levels of maturity at different points in our life, ,hat now while interested in a state of independence. I know that my own children, as well as I make choices of preference that aren%t always clear. In the lost feeling of desperation, it maybe we can be molded to believe we can never be without family, that may be for reasons for better or worse. +hile often times I think of my adolescent failings as a huge misunderstanding created by shame. I am grateful to have developed the consciousness that are attuned to these misgiving as to act open, honestly, and willingly, in matters that relate to my sexuality today.

I had been searching for an outer body experience, and found it in a young woman who was a year older than me. I had never seen a woman with sex appeal quite like hers. She admired me from a distance as I did not pose a threat to her. She was both sophisticated and a bit derelict. :ur love was the #oy of what my innocence and purity may bring. Slowly I began to hang out with her friends, and it was not too long before I lost my mind in #ealousy. I can remember being the age of sixteen and swearing off all drugs. (y reading level was dropping below grade level. It was not too long that her seductive qualities of organi!ed crime proved to bring her whole peer group to their knees, myself included. She was my second wife as we got married in a more orthodox fashion, but I was a hippie and spell bound by her attraction. I kept a place for her in my heart, as I tried desperately to reclaim my position as being a good example by not turning to drugs. I became skilled at being a parent and reading to what is now our family, but the marriage lasted only as long as we were in school, when

15. finally I was kicked out. I needed to assert myself better, and I had to accomplish this on my own. I #oined the $avy, but was given a section <, after my one attempt at suicide and witnessing her derelict peer group fall beneath the cracks. I decided I could attempt school, but by re.establishing my relationship to my family, I knew if I didn%t make it I would never have a family of my own again. (y thinking was very distorted, as I had to go through drug rehabilitation on my own, being cautious of the temptation to let her know I thought about dying for her. ,his proved to be the most challenging risk I have ever had, to take responsibility for myself, knowing that I was used and abused to offer something to a woman that she already had. (y homophobia began at this point, with my second wife, as again I was faithful to my female partner by seeing other men. ,his was the first time that I started to achieve orgasm by having myself sodomi!ed. et I never cleaned up well enough to be the person she once admired. She was a fatal attraction, and as my ego turned, so did my sexual preference. In fact with my second wife I did not sleep with one other women, but knew I was becoming gay. ,he latency of emotion, placed too much responsibility on her to save me from dereliction, finally I understood it as a bisexual experience, at which time I started to develop a sense of self. ,hese experiences lead me to having this type of identity with a sense of self being at the core of what was missing. +hile her friends were burning out, my family became outraged that I was addicted to drugs for the sake of a woman. "er sex appeal still burned me every time we were together. *ctually the marriage contained hope and promise, but for the reason that I only hit one hard bottom, and recovered with the notion that I would learn what my own identity was. *fter a few years I stopped acting so womanly myself, as the desire to become everything she was subsided. It was the first time I needed rest and the ability to recover from such a heated affair that brought with it so much danger. I began to learn about my homophobia, and relating to men differently. *s I found detachment was a principle more open to homosexuality it interested me that I could learn about others men. their feelings without

16. having to act out. ;nfortunately my first fatal obsession took twenty years of private therapy to recover from, but with my own decision to abstain from such vices as drugs and alcohol. I see it as a time that I was very scared and very hopeless without any real help available. ,oday I thank her for my homosexuality, and being a single gay parent to our loving children. I see in them that part of my self, that was very homophobic and scared of attaching myself to an emotional intensity, maybe that is for the best right now, while my service as a parent is maintained with the belief that one can recover even from such states of tragedy. I feel that I learn from my children how we were hurt by becoming weakened to give all to love. ,oday that is not the only thing I do, as I offer myself as a model, as a high school drop.out whose self teaching has made me recogni!ed as an intellectual. (y second wife, and I had our final battle with her last attempt to get even with me. She brought drugs back into my family, by her own volition, this time leading to a fight and almost a political struggle. I can%t count the losses today but if I didn%t act I would have failed at my own #urisprudence. ,oday I see it as an irrational act to sever my complete adoration of her. I have given some thought as to what homophobia means based on my own perspective. In my view this is the fear of being entered and penetrated. (y phobia begins when I fear I do not have control of my body, and when I relinquish all power to a man who will dominate me. In this fear I am a lost child with minimal associations to what real love making means. I fear I am committing an unnatural act. ,hat when &od created sexual libidos he did so for men to en#oy the partnership of women. I fear how much like a woman I may become, hoping and praying for the satisfaction of this desire to remove from me the veil of this uncertainty. *s I adore and cherish the male genitalia, I have fear that I may not be aroused in ecstasy by the sheer beauty and grace of it%s eminence. I often feel like I am replaying old oedipal tapes, in which my family would never approve of my coming out of the closet. (y homophobia begins with the wicked

1<. stereotyping of homosexuals, and their persecution, but also evolves from the irony of having been married twice to women whom I no longer know. (y role as a parent makes me cautious of terms like queer, as the stereotyping incites shame that casts me in the disposition of waiting for the approval of others before making progress. (y homophobia is my pacification and purification of &ods intended role for my sexual desire, however in that role is the fear of being hurt, victimi!ed and even raped. (y homophobia tells me that coming out of the closet maybe a mistake. ,hat I am looking inward at my thoughts too deeply. $ever have I wanted to make this choice in being gay more than I do now, yet there is a place in my heart which tells me to run, or that I am running towards something that will never arouse pleasure. (y homophobia is about the intolerance in which one has to contend with the system. It is also about the denial I hear from gay men who can%t stop thinking about another woman. +hen I was fifteen I wore women clothing to "igh School, and was out right bullied for this treatment. I think to myself in my depression how much of a strain and torture can I put myself through. ,he system feels that homosexuality has it%s place and time, and yet I am overwhelmed with emotions pouring into me from the male sex. I am an incest survivor, I was my 1ather%s lover and my 7rother%s until their discouragement reached it%s end point by my coming out of the closet. I have slept with closet queens who act as a role model in their own walks of faith. ,hey are social animals waiting to cause you confusion and stress, and yet they are loveable, in the sense that they fall by their own weaknesses. I am so much hoping to develop a sense of self, as a gay man. * man who can call himself a man, and declare his masculine virtue above all other things. I believe "omosexuality to be for those who have attained a sense of perspective, as a mature and insightful ways about the pleasures they receive. I believe homophobia to be for those who want and who may need sympathy, that they are the slow moving hope that tomorrow may bring light and a

1?. better day. In my view of faith I see the fear and agony of somehow surrendering to a choice one isn%t prepared to go through with, while in another sense, I see the moist glistening rainbow and sunshine that makes one smile in successful acceptance and acknowledgment of their feelings. (y homophobia is the voice of others who occupies too much space in my thoughts, while my homosexuality is the living celebration of all that is good to come. ,o claim my own homosexual independence, I believe in making the right choices, I have never strayed from gaining insight into my own perspective, I have never missed sharing the experiences of others with them. I am truly a humble service of &od%s divine mercy, and plan. I believe every overly cautious measure I take may be for good reason. I do not eliminate the pleasure of homosexuality before they start. I am learning about myself, in a way that I may be learning as a student of another gay man who is willing to come clean with me and share with me, about how he overcame his fears that were based on faith. I have hopes that the phobia of being sinful, may not seem deplorable, but are one that may lead me to the loving embrace of still another man, who can look past temptation, and see me as a whole person to be his, who he wishes for a partner.

I stayed inebriated for about three years during the time I #oined the $avy, I had an experience of a failed romance in Spain where I left in the middle of the night and stayed homeless on the beaches for two months. It was the first time I had wept after making such a mess of my life. ,his was my final salutation to &od to make restitution. I suffered from dementia and lost the hope of my family and friends. I met a beautiful blonde girl about a few years after, she asked me if I was a virgin, and I said yes while making love to her. "er voluptuous skin and perfect athletic build made it easy to have intercourse with her. *fter we split I apologi!ed for professing virginity to her. She took a little offense and didn%t believe my story. ,o this day I believe there are chapters of our lives which stay closed until

'A. we are ready to look at them again. She was my first real time #ust having sexual intercourse for the sake of it. (y adolescents lead to a disability that made me forget almost my entire past. *fter years of therapy I started to befriend some of the lovers I had from prior times. >sychologically the experience was very healthy as I started to perceive that I what I suffered from was the result of an addiction to narcotics. ,his was the first burst of confidence I had had in quite some time, as I started to go to )ollege I decided I could do something about my drinking and getting high. ,his very innocent experience started to build a foundation between being passive aggressive and acceptance. I reclaimed myself for who I was, and never regretted the fact that I had #ust enough bravery to trust that I could receive pleasure from a partner. *s time went on. I received phone calls from my children who were worried that I had forgotten about them. :ften times I have felt my disability had put me at an advantage. 1rom having lead a confused and disoriented past. I started my twenties understanding what normal behavior meant. I was no longer attracted to fetishes that victimi!ed me. (y children and I agreed we should have each other in each others lives, unfortunately for our sake, I told them this would take time. ,hese days I fall between approval and acceptance in what straight forwardly is my life as a single gay parent. I will never apologi!e for the quality of women I have known. "owever in my case the catastrophic endings became too much to recover from. In the wake of that first experience in my twenties. I believe I was learning how to live a normal life, So much of my preoccupation was caught up in mysticism between 7uddhist, "indu, and )atholic beliefs. I believe now, that we can%t be all things to all people no matter how hard we try. (y experiences following all included my relationship to men, excepting one experience at a bar. I was coming to the end of my road even as a beer drinker, and I got picked up by a nanny who lived overseas. I had some resistance to sleeping with her, but to learn how to be a lover became something I drew courage from. ,he experience was a learning experience, but only to set up an end to

'1. my addictions, as I consciously made the effort not to fall into the same trap I had been in. +ithin a year I said good bye to my friends at the bar, and have lived clean and sober ever since. I wouldn%t know why my relationships with women built families that included my homosexuality. +hile holding onto the pretense that I had a lascivious sex life starting to brew. ,he result of my sensitivity always proved to be longer lasting, as I no longer asked others to cure me of my state of mind and body. I learned a great deal about my emotional crisis, and my intimidation about women, by learning that it is not a game we play. ,hat our sex partners have a very strong influence on the way we conduct ourselves and the choices we make. In thinking back to my adolescence I believe I was a very impressionable youth. Self image and people pleasing created one big landscape that lead to digressive behavior. 2umors, gossip, and stereotyping were all that I could gather kept people busy. ,oday it is enough to admit that I made mistakes while my preference for the male physique occupies my thoughts and desire. I never intended to hurt the woman I was involved in for that first experience, but I see it as the first real sign of independence take, that taught me how to ad#ust to what gave me pleasure prior to that. It didn%t make a significant impact on her view of our affair. I had died inside and she could see that. She was proving to me that I was decent person. In my first year at college I fell in love with my =nglish ,eacher, she needed to confirm this for herself, and decided to give me a phone call. She was the longest lasting crush I have ever had. :n the phone she asked me if I thought I might be gay. I told her I thought I was, and through this affection began my life as a writer. I began to give this affair of our ours a great deal of power, and considered it to be my life long commitment, she supported and encouraged my feelings, and began me on all forms of books on sexuality as my (entor.

''. +e began to send our affair in writing, as she was always invited into my bedroom, usually she came with whichever date she was with, who I would have intercourse with, though in a subliminal way as though behind a veil. She would contact me to ask me how the experience was, and if I felt my being gay was to please other women. I had never felt so accepted, with my first steps coming out of the closet. (y affair with my >rofessor proved to me that my homophobia had a great deal of components. :ne that it was done so to please women, and not for the sheer homosexual pleasure that I was receiving. Later my whole identity with dependence upon my parents as an incest survivor was a homophobic reaction to needing to still be protected as though in a womb. Lastly she proved that I was scared of the culture, that I drew no affinity to culture of any kind, and that my being seen with a gay lover may shock others, but mainly myself. +ith her I started to have my first real gay affairs, as I began to be, and to have the role of being a woman. I was scared of copulation with a gay man at first somehow I was too intimidated by what others might think. In time our affair would come to an end, as she observed that she had accomplished our mission. I only needed to be alone with other gay men, to see what her point of view was. In her mind I was something of a dangerous type, but the paradox of the shyness I exhibited, while she brought her intentions closer and closer to the edge, became for us what would show we had other interests.

I understand now that I was still afraid to have gay intercourse without the presence of another woman. In a way I felt I wouldn%t know how to respond on an emotional level. +hile I had written my relationship with my >rofessor into stone, it came as a shock that it would have to end, being that in the interim we had identified so many attributes which we had shared during our affair.

'/. (y final turn came in a confessional, which was given that I could not dream of being anywhere beside, beneath or behind a nude man. ,hat our orgasms were essential when I thought they had been defiant. *fterwords, I still had a difficult time claiming my gay identity, and still suffered from the sense of insecurity by needing the presence of a woman to arouse me, as with my final time with the opposite sex, when I was finally introduced to my gay lovers. I came out of the closet like a silhouette dancing through the entrance, and wearing a new wardrobe. ,his time I was no longer writing scripts. I was introduced to the men whom I had deep throat sex with the night before, and I was no longer living in the confusion, of needing to qualify my experience with a (entor. 1amily acceptance was not easy, as it was easier for them to see what we were doing while working on a pro#ect. I had two independent study classes with her, as I was her only student and she lead the way to my homosexual identity. *s the umbilical chord had finally been severed again, I only missed the experience of having an observable commitment in sharing our personal lives. ,he days were long in this bisexual partnership. et together our mission was accomplished. I had built a life that was based on faith, as sharing my life with other people, became the only way I could experience this fulfillment as a man who was a woman. I have never stopped writing, while my soul searching now has different avenues, as I find being with gay men to be easier and more pleasurable. In a sense I dedicate this piece to my >rofessor who has proven to me that coming from an adolescent purely homophobic experience. I could now continue to live a passionate life that begins with co.existence, to satisfy the needs of my sexual orientation, and re.orientation, in a way that is healthy and life sustaining. In school I dated an *frican *merican woman from the 0ance ,heater of "arlem, which proved to be the hottest sexual experience I have ever had. I had never seen a young woman look so

'3. sensuous in #ust a t shirt and gym shorts. :ur first talks were about sexual orientation, and if it ever made her suicidal. She said that was interesting because I may need to ask myself that question again once were finished. I told her how I had a sister who I excelled in gymnastics with, and somehow she psychologically penetrated my libido. She confirmed she will do the same. ,hat night in her bedroom after passionate foreplay seeing her perfect thighs and kissing her rosy vulva, I came to excess and wanted more, when after about a half an hour. I felt we were not alone when at an intercession my anus opened as I was penetrated and fucked from behind. +hile it never felt like rape I was curious to who my visitor was but kept coming over my partner and inside her again. I had only halfheartedly believed in goddesses, as my wish fulfillment was showing to me that I was praying to one that I would become. *s the racial differences were really very slight, I introduced her to my family and invited her to my family home for a weekend. +e had sex both nights as the midnight angels of the country showed me how my sexuality co.related to this essence of female purity that I was experiencing. She thought that after this was over I may find myself in mental anguish not reali!ing who she was or how hot she made me. I attended one of her performances which clearly portrayed two bisexual couples who were doing their own thing, in a kind of *fro )aribbean #a!! melange. :ur final time in her bedroom she told me that dance was really all that she lived for, and that she was flattered but that my goals to become an academic scholar might slow her down. $ude in her bed she opened the lips of my ass, and showed me what a woman I had become. It was from that point on that I started to kiss men openly. ,hough she was right, since it would take me my final two years of drinking afterward to come out of the closet. "ow could I explain I had had the hottest time in my life and would become inebriated thinking about her. I felt my classmate channeled me, as we each received an * in the class. It was the first time I felt that saddened that my disability was also physical, and that I had to stay in treatment while others

'4. took an interest with me. It was to my dismay that all my inhibitions while fantasi!ing about the perfect sexual partner had passed without my really understanding that, and yet I could stay alone nude for hours and never experience anything but that goddesses kiss and how she opened me up. I had to succumb to the truth that maybe I wasn%t ready for this intake of sensual seduction. et like reading my own fortune I knew my days with women were coming to an end, as I was becoming too much of a woman myself to play the role, since I knew men were starting to be the sex roles of my own libido, and my own personal passionate sex drive. I have often thought that I don%t know who we live for, I suppose honestly we only live for ourselves. I met with her again in a day treatment facility again after some years where she was my counselor and rehab specialist. +e we were going over the material in Sociology that I was covering as a volunteer ,eacher of *dult Literacy. She was interested in my anti.bias approach and sensed I had a relationship that was not completely trusting in this regard. In fact that I flipped out as a result of a partner%s bigotry was not a surprise to her. She let me know I had children with her who were black, proud, and beautiful, and that she knew though short I would never repeat the experience we shared. She said that was since she wanted it to be that way. I interviewed her on the sub#ect of *cademic *ssessment #ust like we had done when classmates. ,he obsessive nature of my questioning that were prone to orgasm flattered her, as she had still been a profound influence in my life. I was teaching homophobia, and let her know I had come out of the closet. ,hat my affairs were to disabling for me to handle. She said she thinks of me often as I was now living in "arlem, a block away from her 0ance ,heater. I lost that hopeless feeling with her again #ust enough to reali!e that nothing I ever said or did really was enough to shock or even surprise the company of women whom I knew. She said I was very tenderhearted and became easy to show me my orientation. ,hat I was aroused too deeply by coming as a woman, and that I may never have the expected arrangement that was more conventional.

'5. I would like to discuss my faith in the -uaker 2eligion as a &ay and Lesbian tolerant sect. ,he issue of forgiveness is not always as clearly divisible by self forgetting amongst -uakers. 1orgiveness carries with it an essential forgiveness of self, and the forgiveness of others that is necessary to having our voice heard. 1orgiveness of self in a deeper sense is how we overcome identity crisis by becoming motivated to accomplish the tasks that are before us. ,he issue of attachment versus non attachment, as the -uaker religion delves deeply into =astern thought, might make forgetting a passive avoidance of coming to bear one%s struggle, which at a personal level stem from all sorts of conceptions based on experiences and unbelief. 1orgiveness may mean we are ready to pick up our cross again. +hich in -uaker beliefs might imply that forgiveness brings us closer to our original concept f moral virtue, while both attachment and non.attachment can show passive resistance when emotionally upset. I believe that forgiveness and self reorientation is the light that many &ays and lesbians seek. In my -uaker experience I have never been to a meeting without some view of freedom of choice being presented. In -uaker terms homophobia is both a man made construct that exerts will on others through oppression, yet it is also an individual misnomer that may make one believe they are punishable for the sin or even guilt of the betrayal in being homosexual. "omophobia as an individual feeling that there is something wrong with the choices we make, based on the influence of a very impressionable society, who would do well to consider the pretext of homosexuality with the same cause and effect incentives that make us a child of &od, no matter how dearly one believes they must give up to experience such freedoms, as freedom of choice. In my own individual struggle with forgiveness I am at the point that I have decided that if I need to have romance as the missing element of my courtships, I may readily #ust accept the syndrome of becoming brokenhearted that is certain to occur along those lines. I feel my own homophobia was a lot like going after the popularity contest in that I watched others to see what normal behavior was without giving thought to my own needs. 0enial in the sense of being personally homophobic means

'6. that we stop thinking of ourselves, and are too confused to actually be of service to others. I tie this into my worship by professing that we are only punished for committing acts that we are know are wrong, but go ahead and commit them anyway. (y homophobic response was very much this way, not #ust by setting myself to be vulnerable, but in continuing to play a very macho role that surely lead to my being hurt. (y true -uaker self forgiveness as a &ay man takes the form of an arrogant obsessive compulsive who sees his way stopped working, and who trusts &od so as not to be victimi!ed by his own doing. ,he final words on -uaker homosexuality I would like to address have a great deal of commentary on what is going on in +ashington 0) with =qual rights. I believe homosexuality is practiced by mutual consent, and is both self respectful and respecting of our mental health which is both physical and mental. I do not believe success comes the way of gay couples merely by being introverted types of personality. (y answer to what is our right, is that homosexuality by consent is an agreement one has, not to betray those thoughts, feeling, emotions, and incentives that hurt him and made him sterile while still in the closet. It is also respectful of a very divine love, and the power of soul searching to watch a gay man come to terms with his own fears in this form of acceptance of them. -uaker homosexuality as a divine inspiration and a guiding light for which all practices permeate a layer of non resistance it is a stepping stone and a bridge to see yourself drawn from the shadows to make the self proclaiming statement of self love. It may be in my experience I had to learn to love myself again before taking on the areas of forgiveness that were the building block for my family that was created by &od. In my case I do not defy family wishes to express voice for counter culture needs to win approval of others. ,hat self love was the initial gift given to me by a 2eligious Society of 1riends, made my experiences with gay men one of self discovery, unfortunately in some cases not without being hurt as some had suffered from an emotional crisis, but that this self love has set the stone for me to rid myself of guilt and set my path on the loving forgiveness of others, and myself that I wish to share with you.

'<. *fter turning to the twelve steps to recover from my drinking, it wasn%t long before I made the choice in my being homosexual. *fter my final withdrawals I met a tall, dark and handsome lover who was my first kiss in sobriety. *fter speaking on the phone we had our first date in his apartment when we french kissed for about an hour. It was his concern that in my experience I would never feel the need to stereotype gay men, or show pre#udicial remarks that in some way, while falsely flattering the ego would drive myself and the third party into a deeper digression of phobia. I met him seriously in recovery after coming out in my final relationship with a woman during our break up, and after my father died. It seemed as lovers we were making out once a week at a home group, as we slept together as in a conscious awakening of the unconscious. I came with both he and the woman who I had been seeing, and at times with other men in the room, in a kind of gay paradise. "e said with me he was working on all kinds of things like my preferences, and my orientation so that I wouldn%t have to make the same mistakes. +hile I found him a little aggressive in the sense that he was promiscuous I allowed this safe haven to be my homosexual delight. I was taking deep pleasure in a love from the back. *s I understood that male genitals, the erect penis, was the instrument for which my stimulation was forming an aversion for desire, passion, and romance. It was in our affirmative kisses that he felt he had done well by me, in showing me that I not only held the desire but the ability to structure my sexuality around the male body. +e were both of the athletic type, and in my mourning this athletic ability to show homosexual partnership became a kind of !ealous desire that I have never lost. "e hired me years into sobriety after my rehabilitation sentence for a very brief time in an agency that dealt with special needs education. ,he staff was complaining that he wasn%t taking his medication, after going over the details of why I needed a friendship to come out of such a bisexual past, something did not groove right with him professionally so he let me go after a months of service.

'?. ,hat was our last attachment, as I figured the staff was referring to medication for "IC. Somehow with less attachment the relationship ended in defeat of wanting to do right but having no other choice but to say goodbye after seeing each other again in a kind of surrender to being old friends. I was once a practicing )atholic I used to say as was he, while making little restitution for returning to my faiths of origin. ,he seemingly conservative ways in which the human body lives in spirit was no longer the spiritual path I was taking. I became a reverted -uaker with 9ewish ancestry, as my interest in the L&7, community broadened, and I had less of an obsessive pursuit of orgasm, and the arousal of the body of whomever I endeared. I studied the political nature of L&7, bigotry and formed a view that was a little more than idol. I never apologi!ed for being a man of faith. et my needs in this reversion or acquittal were somehow self sufficient. I became both outspoken about my identity as a way of referring to my sexuality as a gay individual, and open to the discussion topics that affect those who are afflicted with homophobia. +hile this has not replenished my passion for lust, it has shown a creative individual who has learned to be sexual based on his own experience. I have only slept with one woman in sobriety, who became my therapist as I will discuss. (y need to be penetrated came largely from our experience together. I do not like having to compete for heterosexual points by bragging, or satisfying a role I am not comfortable with. In all respects as a tribute to my first sober love I still feel I am looking for the right mate who can reciprocate my feelings with warmth and affection. I would not like to shy away from an experience by digressing into denial.

/A. So it was all of my initial spiritual references to the twelve steps had to do with feeling gay sexuality. I flirt on line these days and in way to act coy, suave or debonair, or whatever mood I am in, but I feel I do this as inclusive task, to honor the gay pride that I have developed. ,his letter is also self reflective of anonymity since I know there is a great deal of intimidation that has to be dealt with in the confused gay community of our members, and yet I feel it is, an honor and a tribute to my own self acceptance, which I may not have reached until I had turned forty years old. ,oday as a member of my own family without playing a role I openly discuss why I do not sacrifice my homosexuality as a sign of coming to terms with my own maturity. I was in my mid twenties before I knew what a sexual relationship could mean. I was seeing an older woman for quite some time who saw me through to the end of my 1athers death. ;pon introductions I clumsily reported that I had been married twice without divorce, and that I was gay. *s a friend she became my final detachment from sexual fantasy, and the suicidal route of adolescents who are inexperienced. I had several lovers during the time I was seeing her and was introduced to a few men whom I had made love to in her company. She needed to prove to me that my homosexuality was not simply being discovered. :ften times I would promise her that she was the last woman with whom I would be sleeping with, at the current time that promise to come out has kept that to be true. She explored my psyche, my eating habits, my si!e, and my manipulation of behavioral traits. She was both a skilled therapist and social worker, and skilled in bed. I had been finishing up my ;ndergraduate 0egree at "unter )ollege, while we met for our affairs after my work shift ended and I finished class, I was a night student. I remember being introduced to the man who I gave oral sex to the next day. 1lirtations and an easy time were not a part of this, as I felt thrown by the sensuality of her body and swore I was coming out after we ended. ,his took a little re.orientation as I almost had to begin my sex life from the beginning. I felt I had to begin dating and flirting with guys to see why I was attracted to them. ,heir openness made it easy.

/1. (y boss at the time was using me to come out of the closet. "e was very aggressive with me physically but he en#oyed our conversations. I felt I may be the wrong person, to do this for him, since he was unable to relate to even one sexual experience, or the episodes I shared with him that I had suffered in being a homophobic youth who felt misunderstood. (y friend reaffirmed that with the *I0S crisis I couldn%t worry about him, that it was unprofessional to do so, being the way he carried on the way he did. (any things happened in my final proving ground for sexual orientation. I slept with my =nglish ,eacher who I fell in love with, and my lover guided me through homosexual practice with my first sober kiss while we were splitting up. 1or me to e#aculate during gay intercourse was of my most pleasurable interest. Learning that she would keep me for her friend and gay boy , who lost his self consciousness was both her victory and mine. *s an =nglish ma#or I must have written thousands of pages about this romance, not to mention in foreign languages. ,here were also new children we had to keep my attention on her going, while keeping the competition with my teenage lovers didn%t make sense anymore. +e stopped dating the night my 1ather died as I had confessed to her that I had reached my final goal in heterosexuality or bisexuality if you will. ,hat the liberation from the masculine ego was felt as my 1ather pronounced me to be his greatest lover on his death bed.

I was hospitali!ed shortly after for losing my temper too harshly and too often. ,hat is why reestablishing a sexual preference has been slow. I needed to make this confessional in my lovers debt, for excusing my right of passage during a questionable display of vices that had lead me to such insecurity. It took resigning from my work and relocating to start building the foundations of gay partnerships, as it took being reacquainted with my children, to form my identity as a single gay parent.

/'. In a way nothing had changed, except that I was shy of my families complete acceptance of me. (y lover became my therapist, as I no longer needed to prove anything to anyone. She makes detachment and letting go easy. I have lost many friends along the way, not #ust friendships but actual friends. +hose self destructive behavior took them away from me without mercy. In a way I needed this bending over backwards to support our truce in a way that made my new life agreeable if not as, but more pleasurable. *t times in her office I play a woman%s role, in times I am #ust the fond memory of her gay boy who needed this separation to be complete. She has been the only person from my past who I have had to turn to while my sexual orientation reaches it%s fruition in middle age, and my own personal homophobia dissipates.

In a 7uddhist temple on the lower east side, I would follow my instincts into the arms of my lover in rehab. "e was a younger fellow who lead the beginners meditation workshops, he had also once been my student in my role modeling day, while I was having difficulty in "igh School. "e had been my unseen competition and rival until our lips first pressed twenty years later. I said goodnight to him with a french kiss after swearing I had never seen anyone as beautiful. +e discussed openly the virtues of 7uddhist practice, poetry, and college. :ne night he delivered the small harem from the temple to my bedroom in rehab. It was not long before the Den master said when the student is ready the right teacher will arrive. It was in this way that he, and I said vows, and had a very small gay wedding. +e had orgasmic intercourse within a week, but my rehabilitation experience rolled me out of his arms, and into the world of light where I could see touch and feel the male penis that I had intercourse with. :ur opera as a ,eacher and Student was now finished, we had satisfied the long itch that proved to be a passionate crush.

//.

(y association to 7uddhist practice has changed since I have said vows in a gay marriage. 7oth he and I may agree we feel it is against teachings to swear to a life of sin, and yet his sentiments filled me with emotion that helped to open the doors to the opportunity for new commitments and the interest in meeting new men. 1rom the 7uddhist ,emple I moved to a gay twelve step meeting that was held in a synagogue, there I met gay men of my own ethnicity who saw I was having a hard time keeping to the practice, I met both writers and Israelis, and I slept with them both. 1rom there I moved to the L&7, )enter on +est 1/th street where I keep my eyes open for an available handsome gay man. *fter undressing with a younger fellow and engaging in oral sex, I finally felt the #ubilation of having something physical that was not attached to feelings, watching him come as his penis left my mouth was both exhilarating and stimulating. (y sister was right I had won the war by coming out of the closet since there was no one left in the way to have me show resistance to having the kind of sex that pleased me. ,oday I am an out of the closet, and an outspoken gay man. I discuss my sexuality in a way that I know is open to the social criticism that is so prevalent by today%s standards. I have a voice in our equality, and I share my feelings with the experience of having enough of them to satisfy my own curiosity. I en#oy chatting, flirting, and telling others my stories, I have truly crossed the boundaries of coming out as a gay man. I sit with dignity and self respect amongst those who know their fears held them back. ,he answer isn%t really in money, politics or power. ,he answer came to me as a way of self satisfying my libido in away to make me more independent, and has improved my character. ,oday I

/3. have a gay therapist while this is my tribute to our new beginning I hope that he can understand how confused I had been by acting like a heterosexual whose sexuality was in the closet. ,oday my preference is to be outspoken, while I see this change in me as a gift that I never imagined. I never want to make the same mistake by breaking up with another woman for being truly gay.

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