. Plus /'a 'han)e *lus la meme 'hose. . as the 0ren'h say. 1 2rote the 3irst version o3 this boo! 3i3teen years a)o! as 2e in the 4S 2here 5ust re'overin) 3rom the sho' o3 the 'ultural revolutions o3 the si6ties. We had 2itnessed a s'ore o3 liberation movements! bla' *o2er! )ay *o2er! )ray *o2er! the 3ree s*ee'h movement! the se6ual 3reedom lea)ue! radi'al *sy'hiatry! all 3ueled by the anti 7ietnam 2ar movement. 1ntimately 'onne'ted 2ith all o3 these rebellions a)ainst the status%8uo 2as this 'entury/s 2ave o3 3eminism. 9he San 0ran'is'o%Bereley area! 2here 1 have lived sin'e my youn) adulthood! 2as the birth*la'e o3 many o3 these movements and 3eminism too a *o2er3ul hold here%%as it did in the rest o3 the 'ountry%% 'reatin) )reat so'ial and 'ultural 'han)es. 9hese movements su''eeded in brin)in) about im*ortant re3orms! and 3or a 3e2 years there 2as a 3eelin) o3 trium*h 3or bla's! )ays! 2omen! mental *atients and mental health 2orers 2ho 2anted 'han)e. But in the ei)hties! under the leadershi* o3 *resident :onald :ea)an! 2e be)an to see the *redi'table ba'lash. 9oday! a33irmative a'tion has been rolled ba' and 3eminism has be'ome a sti)mati;ed 2ord amon) many men and 2omen. But 3ortunately 3or all humanity! the em*o2erment o3 2omen that started in this modern 2ave o3 3eminism 'ontinues and 'annot in 3a't be sto**ed or rolled ba'. 0or all but the most 'onservative! 3eminism and the se6ual revolution have 3orever 'han)ed the nature o3 male%3emale relationshi*s. 9his trans3ormation has be'ome so thorou)h and 'ommon*la'e that youn) *eo*le today are lar)ely una2are o3 the *ro3ound 'han)es they are bene3i'iaries o3. When a Man Loves a Woman 2as 2ritten to sho2 ho2 3eminism 'ould either mae heterose6ual relationshi*s more 'ontentious and 'on3usin)! or more e6'itin) and re2ardin)! de*endin) on ho2 men rea'ted to it. 1 ar)ued that 3or men 2ho understand ho2 to res*ond to 3eminism in a 3ruit3ul 2ay! it 2ould revitali;e their intimate relationshi*s. 9oday! 1 am ree6aminin) the issues 2hi'h 1 e6*lored in that boo and re2ritin) it to re3le't the more 'om*le6 realities o3 the ne2 'entury. 0eminism has 'han)ed the relations bet2een men and 2omen in a *ro3ound and *ermanent 2ay and yet! the 3undamental 8uestion is the same& <o2 'an a )ood man mae and ee* a dee*! meanin)3ul and lovin) relationshi* 2ith an eman'i*ated 2oman=
Introduction to first edition (1986)
1n the *ast thirty years se6ual mores have )one throu)h a ma5or revolution! and even some 'ounter%revolutions. >ivor'e has be'ome 'ommon*la'e. 0or the 3irst time! ordinary *eo*le do not 3eel obli)ated to remain tra**ed in un3ul3illin)! destru'tive relationshi*s. Peo*le have 8uestioned the value o3 marria)e and mono)amy! and have even re'onsidered the value o3 lon) term 'ommitments and 3amily. Some say that these 'han)es have almost destroyed the 3amily and threaten the very 3iber o3 so'iety. ?ven those 2ho 3ou)ht 3or! and 2el'omed these 'han)es no2 3ind themselves 'on3used and unha**y in this ne2 so'ial lands'a*e! not sure ho2 to *ro'eed no2 that the old rule 2e 3ou)ht a)ainst have been lar)ely abolished. 1t seems that 3indin) ha**iness is more and more a matter o3 'han'e. 9hou)h 3indin) ha**iness has never been easy! the resear'h about divor'e sho2s that today the *ursuit o3 ha**iness in love is more be2ilderin) than ever. 9he old! .rule boo . has been mostly 3or)otten! and men and 2omen have to invent ne2 2ays o3 relatin) and! statisti' indi'ate! 2ith little su''ess. 9o 'om*li'ate matters there is a disturbin) trend 3or both men and 2omen to 'om*romise in their e6*e'tations! due to 3ears about disease and *re)nan'y. Some 2ould rather settle do2n in la'%luster relationshi*s than have to deal 2ith the di33i'ulties o3 datin) in the nineties. @reater 3reedom and e8uality 3or 2omen 2as su**osed to mae everythin) better; instead divor'e rates 'ontinue to 'limb! sin)le *erson households *roli3erate and *eo*le 3eel disoriented and un3ul3illed. Women have dis'overed that 2hen they 3ollo2 their 3eminist *rin'i*les and leave their loveless marria)es! they are o3ten *unished by a severe de'line in their standard o3 livin). Many 2omen and their 'hildren 2ere *ushed belo2 the *overty line 2hen they divor'ed! 2hile their e6%husbands *ros*ered. Still! 2omen have 'ome an enormous distan'e in the 3a'e o3 all this adversity. Most 2omen no2 no2 ho2 to su**ort themselves! both 3inan'ially and emotionally! and! in )eneral! 2omen 2ill never be as de*endent on men as they on'e 2ere. Women today do 2ant and e6*e't to be treated as e8uals at home and at 2or. 9hey may 2ant to have 'hildren! but 3e2 2ould today be 2illin) to be e6'lusively homemaers. Women today are more sel3 su33i'ient and less a3raid o3 bein) alone and there3ore mu'h less 2illin) to settle 3or a relationshi* that isn/t satis3yin) and bene3i'ial. 0or years no2! 2omen have been talin) and 2ritin) o*enly about their lies and dislies vis--vis men and des*ite the anti%3eminist ba'lash o3 the -0/s have 'ontinued to do so. 9hey are 'ontinuin) to mae le)itimate! 2ell%thou)ht%out demands in the home! at 2or! and in bed. 9hey 2ant 5obs 2ith e8ual *ay! they 2ant stature and res*e't and they 2ant men to su**ort their inde*enden'e and *o2er. 9hese 2omen aren/t interested in men 2ho are )oin) to 3i)ht them every ste* o3 the 2ay in order to 'lin) to outmoded styles o3 male domination. <o2 does all this a33e't us men= Modern 2omen are e6tremely 'hallen)in)! i3 not alarmin)! to men. We 2ant them by our sides! but are irritated by their 'laims. We love their ener)y! but 3ear that they may be over*o2erin). We admire their sel3%relian'e! but aren/t 8uite sure 2e lie their inde*enden'e 3rom us. 9o be 2ith them maes us 3eel manly! but also 'hallen)es our manhood. We 'anAt live 2ith them and 2e 'anAt live 2ithout them. Men too have 'han)ed. We/ve 'han)ed in res*onse to 2omen/s 'han)es! but also on our o2n initiative. As 2omen 'laimed inde*enden'e 2e )lee3ully 2ent alon) by avoidin) 'ommitment to the traditional 2i3e and 3amily and )oin) 3or the enormously attra'tive sin)le li3e. We )ave u* the 3amily house and the 3our door station 2a)on and 2ent instead 3or a to2nhouse ba'helor *ad and a Pors'he. 1nstead o3 savin) our money 3or the ids/ edu'ation! 2e 'har)ed our siin) 2inters and tro*i'al va'ations on 'redit 'ards. Bet a3ter e6*erien'in) our o2n liberation 3rom domesti'ity! most o3 us have 'ome to the reali;ation that 2e 2ould *re3er to live a harmonious li3e! in a se'ure home 3illed 2ith 'hildren and 3riends! 2ith a 2oman 2e love! than to be *erennial ba'helors%%as lon) as li3e doesn/t be'ome a terminal velvet tra*. We have in 3a't 'ome ba' to a 3amiliar *osition! but 3ind ourselves on hi)her )round. Cur interest in 3ormin) 'ou*les remains. Cou*lin) is a sour'e o3 se'urity! *o2er! 'om3ort! *leasure! and love. But 'ou*les have 'han)ed. 1n the *ast! 'ou*les 2ere o3ten 'om*osed o3 t2o *eo*le 2ho be'ame one by ea'h 'ontributin) hal3 a *erson; he the brains and in'ome! she the heart and nurturin). 9oday! 'ou*les are be'omin) *artnershi*s o3 mutually res*e't3ul! lovin) e8uals 2orin) to)ether to 3a'e li3e/s hardshi*s and en5oy its re2ards. 1n these relationshi*s se6uality 'an be )iven 3ull and lastin) rein. Amon) these 'ou*les! bindin) love and 'ommitment are e6*e'ted to be mutual. 0or men! marria)e has traditionally been a terri3yin) de'ision. Many a )room has been dra))ed to the altar by his best man or *ro*elled 3or2ard 2ith a shot)un. 1t has seemed to us! at times! that 'ommitment to a 2oman is ain to a li3e senten'e o3 3or'ed labor! and in some 'ases this 3ear has 'ome true. But the modern 2oman doesn/t 2ant a man as a slave any more than she 2ants him as a master. She 2ants a *artner! and that is a'tually a ne2 and desirable *ro*osition 3or a man. 4nder these ne2 'ir'umstan'es! 'ommitments 'an be totally di33erent than they 2ere t2enty years a)o. 9he burdens%%both at home and in the 2or*la'e%%are shared! and the re2ards o3 the relationshi*%%its *leasures! 3reedoms! and e'onomi' bene3its%%are shared e8ually as 2ell. Commitment to a modern 2oman is be)innin) to loo lie a )ood deal. What is not entirely 'lear! ho2ever! is ho2 the ne2 so'ial 'ontra't bet2een men and 2omen is to read. Plenty o3 *roblems still remain bet2een men and 2omen. Men may have )iven u* their old roles! but they are not sure o3 2hat their ne2 roles are su**osed to be. All this liberation and e8uality have brou)ht ne2 e6*e'tations and burdens 3or us. 1n the eternal 2ar o3 the se6es! many men 3eel that they have lost a ma5or battle; they 3eel martyred and *ut u*on by 'han)es that seem out o3 'ontrol. When a man loves a 2oman! today! he may have no idea ho2 to *ro'eed in a sel3%res*e'tin) and di)ni3ied manner. 9his boo is meant 3or men 2ho 2ant to be 'om3ortable 3riends and lovers 2ith the 2omen in their lives; 3or men 2ho 2ant to have lon)%lastin)! se'ure! yet se6ually *lenti3ul and e6'itin) relationshi*s; and! more im*ortantly! 3or men 2ho 2ant to be lovin)! se6y! and! dare 1 say it! s2eet. 9his boo 2ill tell you 2hat today/s 2omen 2ant 3rom their 3riends! lovers! and mates! and ho2 a man 'an be'ome a**re'iated and sou)ht a3ter by today/s 2oman.
ha!ter 1" #hat do $omen li%e a&out men'
>urin) the last t2enty years! 2hat is admirable and liable about men has been obs'ured by the intense 'riti'ism stemmin) 3rom the ne2 *er'e*tions and e6*e'tations o3 2omen. 9here3ore! in order to start on a *ositive 3ootin) 1 de'ided to 3ind out 2hat 2omen lie about us. With the hel* o3 several asso'iates! 1 ased hundreds o3 2omen the 8uestion .What do you lie about men=. 9he ans2ers o3ten related to ho2 he 3elt about himsel3& .9here is a 'ertain 2ay he uses himsel3! ho2 he is o*en! at ease! 'om3ortable! 2hi'h attra'ts me about a man! even i3 he is not )ood%looin). 1t/s an ener)y! a *ositive attitude. Dot 'on'eited or ma'ho but 'om3ortable 2ith himsel3!. said one 2oman in her thirties! a le)al se'retary 3or a lar)e 3irm. .1 no2 some men thin it/s 'orre't to be very sel3%'riti'al and )uilty about bein) a man! but to me its a turno33!. said Patty! 29! a 2omen/s health so'ial 2orer.
.1 a**re'iate men 2ho are 2illin) to be 8uestioned about their se6ism. But 1 don/t lie men 2ho 'arry around a 'loud o3 male )uilt. 1t/s a total 2et blanet to my se6ual 3eelin)s!. 2as >ahlia/s o*inion. >ahlia is in her 3orties! re'ently divor'ed. 1n s*ite o3 the hei)htened a2areness 2omen have develo*ed about men/s short'omin)s! 2omen! 2ith a 3e2 e6'e*tions! still lie men and haven/t )iven u* on them. .1 lie their bodies!. another 2oman says. .1 lie their sturdiness! their solidity! ho2 they are lean and hard. 1 lie men 2ho a**re'iate their o2n bodies. 9hat/s 2hy 1 3ind )ay men attra'tive. 9hey are into the beauty o3 men/s bodies and love their o2n. @ay men move so )ra'e3ully sometimes. 9he )ra'e3ul male body is beauti3ul.E .1 lie men/s *enises. 9hey are su'h a 3antasti' 'ombination o3 stren)th and vulnerability. 1 lie to 'radle a man/s testi'les and *enis in my hands 2hen it/s so3t. 9he *enis is su'h a 3as'inatin) )ad)et! the 2ay it )ets hard in your hand!. said Mary. .1 really lie the 2ay men smell. With some men it 2as the most attra'tive! addi'tive thin). 9he 2ay he starts to smell 2hen 2e are main) love. 1 did not 2ant him to leave and tae his smell 2ith him!. said Pe))y! FG! a baer at a nei)hborhood baery. .1 love men/s 3orearms! u**er arms! and shoulders. 1 3ind the mus'les and veins! and their e33e'tive! *o2er3ul hands unbelievably se6y. 1 'an loo at a man/s 3orearms and their sha*e turns me on. 1 have to loo a2ay!. said >enise! a su''ess3ul 3ree%lan'e 5ournalist. Many 2omen res*onded similarly. 9hey lied men/s mus'le 3ormation! their u**er body stren)th! the density and 3irmness o3 male 3lesh! men/s body hair! 2hisers and baldness! their )enitals! the timbre o3 their voi'es! and the 2ay they smell. Cther 2omen lied men/s minds! the 2ay they thin. 0or instan'e! Hanet! a *sy'hiatri' nurse! 2F! said& .1 lie the 2ay men understand ma'hines and the 2ay they 'an 3i6 thin)s. 1 lie the 2ay they a**roa'h a *roblem in a me'hani'al and systemati' 2ay! usin) lo)i' and their minds as tools.. Another 2oman said! IMen are )ood at main) you es'a*e. JC/mon! )et your hat on! let/s )oKA Women sit and ste2. 1 lie men/s deta'hment sills! 2hen they 'an also be 'lose..
9ina! the mother o3 t2o small 'hildren! said! .1 lie the thin)s in men that 1! be'ause 1/m a 2oman! have been *revented 3rom havin). 1 lie their 'a*a'ity to stay 'ool; 1 lie the 2ay they 'an be hi)h%strun)! a'tive! intense! humorous! a))ressive. 1 lie those thin)s be'ause they are thin)s that are missin) in me. 1 no2 1 'ould do all those thin)s too! but my u*brin)in) led me a2ay 3rom them. So 1 lie to )et them 3rom men.. .What do you lie about men=. 1 ased Sandy! a 'ar*enter in her early thirties. .1 lie to 2or 2ith men! they )et the 5ob done!. she said! 2ith no hesitation. .9hat sounds lie a se6ist attitude. What do you mean=. .9hey are more )oal oriented. Women tend to have 3eelin)s at ina**ro*riate times. 1 lie to be able to *lan 2ith a man 2ho 2ors 3or me to do somethin) by a 'ertain time and )et it done. With a 2oman 1 am liable to have to )et into a dis'ussion about 3eelin)s. With 2omen o3ten times 1 'ome u* a)ainst the insidious *sy'holo)y o3 ho2 they 2ere brou)ht u*! ho2 their 3ather treated them. 1 3ind it is very easy to *ush 2omen/s buttons. 1 mi)ht as a 2oman to *ass the hammer and that mi)ht be enou)h to tri))er her to 3eel that she 2on/t be able to deal 2ith it. Men 'an lae orders and do thin)s e33i'iently.. .Men are so im*ortant! . hi)h s'hool biolo)y tea'her Pilar! a Me6i'an 2oman o3 F2! assured me. .<o2=. 1 ased. .Dot as bosses or soldiers! but as men! be'ause they are men! and as men they have an im*ortant 3un'tion in the s'heme o3 thin)s.. .1 lie men/s tradition o3 'oura)e and 'on'ern 3or *eo*le! their sense o3 res*onsibility. Men have mu'h to be *roud o3 in their history. 9here have been so many heroi' men 2ho have )iven their lives 3or im*ortant thin)s. 1 admire that!. :i'y! "-! ans2ered. .What do 1 lie about men= 1 lie their mas'uline tenderness%%lar)e and en'om*assin). 1 lie the s*ar o3 their intelli)en'e and o*en%heartedness. 1 lie their 'a*a'ity to *rote't me!. ans2ered :o'io! 2F! a S*anish a)ronomy student. A3ter the 8uestion 2as ased many times! a *attern seemed to emer)e& Cn one hand! 2omen lie men! as men! be'ause o3 their )eneti'! *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's o3 manhood. Cn the other hand! 2omen lie those 'hara'teristi's that they themselves have been alienated 3rom by the 2ay men and 2omen are brou)ht u*. Men are trained! )enerally! to be rational and unemotional! silled 2ith ma'hines! assertive! 2illin) to tae u* s*a'e.
9his desire to be 2ith *eo*le 2ho have 2hat 2e la' is not *arti'ular to 2omen. 1t/s one lar)e reason 3or men/s need 3or 2omen! 2ho have the 2armth and emotionality men o3ten la' and lon) 3or. 9he 3a't that this mutual attra'tion may be based on a re'i*ro'al short'omin) doesn/t mae it any less real or somethin) to be ashamed o3. 0or as lon) as 2omen and men are di33erent 3rom ea'h other! they/ll loo to ea'h other to 3ul3ill 2hat they la'. Men 'an be *roud o3 the thin)s they are )ood at be'ause they are men. Cur survey also revealed that 2omen o3ten lied in men the very thin)s they 'om*lained about at other times. 1 had to as mysel3! .>o 2omen! 2hen everythin) is said and done! really 2ant men 2ho are unemotional! a))ressive! and me'hani'ally in'lined=. 1 2as 3or'ed to a)ain 'onsider the *o*ular myth that 2omen lie to be dominated and *rote'ted by silent stron) tall men. A**arently! this 'on'e*tion! 2hi'h the 2omen/s movement has 3ou)ht so hard! is not easily dis*osed o3. 0or e6am*le! 0ran'es! F$! a hi)hly *aid editor livin) 2ith a man and his and her 'hildren! said! .We L2omenM don/t really no2 2hat 2e 2ant. 1 lie men to have 3eelin)s! but 1 don/t 2ant them to be an)ry. 1 2ant them to treat me as an e8ual! but 1 2ant them to be stron) so 1 'an lean on them. 1 resent their sills! but 1 still let them )et their hands dirty 2hile they 3i6 my 'ar. . 9he ambi)uity 0ran'es e6*resses is not unusual; 2hat do 2omen 2ant= ?ventually! 1 re'o)ni;ed the ans2er& Many o3 the 8ualities that are a**re'iated in men are also the thin)s they are most dislied 3or%%2hen they are taen to an e6treme. As Naren! a 2oman in her 3orties 2ho has no2n many men and )iven the matter mu'h thou)ht! said! . 1 no2 2hat 1 2ant. Stren)th 2ithout violen'e! 3eelin)s 2ithout slo**iness! sill 2ithout bein) *atroni;ed! lo)i' 2ithout mind% ra*e. 1 2ant men to do 2hat they do 2ell in moderation and 2ithout e6*e'tin) to be *ut on a *edestal 3or it.. Women 'learly don/t a**re'iate dominatin)! 'old! e)otisti'al men la'in) in emotion. 9hey also )et no i' out o3 sel3%de*re'atin)! )uilty! 2ithdra2n men. 1n other 2ords! 2hat 2omen 2ant is .no more ma'ho! no more 2im*.. 9hey lie bein) loved by them. 9hey lie bein) able to love them 3ully and 2ithout reservations. Women lie men/s stren)th! virility! and boldness! and 2ould lie them to develo* )entility! deli'a'y! and tenderness. And those are thin)s that any man either has or 'an develo*! *rovided he is truly interested in lovin) 2omen.
ha!ter 2" #hat do #omen (isli%e )&out Men'
<avin) 'on3irmed that there are still many thin)s that 2omen do lie about men! 1 2anted to tae a 'lose loo at those 'om*laints about men that are voi'ed over and over by 2omen! to see i3 there is some truth in them. So in our 8uestionnaire! 2e also ased 2omen 2hat turned them o33 about men as 3riends and as lovers. Many men are truly *u;;led 2hen 'ertain 'om*laints re*eatedly 'ome u* in their relationshi*s 2ith 2omen at home! at 2or! or in 'onversations at )atherin)s. 9hese 'om*laints o3ten seem out o3 'onte6t! *ra'ti'ally out o3 the blue! and are 3re8uently 3ueled 2ith intense 3eelin)! sometimes ra)e! 2hi'h seems totally out o3 *ro*ortion to the 3a'ts o3 the matter. Some men 'an/t understand these 'om*laints at all; some thin they are valid but e6a))erated. Cthers a''e*t the *rin'i*le behind these 'om*laints%%the histori'al ine8uity and domination bet2een men and 2omen%%but 'an/t deal 2ith the heavy emotions and an)er some 2omen brin) to these issues! and 3eel understandably over2helmed 2hen ased to *ersonally atone 3or 'enturies o3 in5usti'e. 1n these situations! some men 2ill ar)ue sel3%ri)hteously or be'ome e6tremely de3ensive; some 2ill try to 5oe their 2ay out! and some 2ill dummy u*. We have all 2itnessed a 'onversation in 2hi'h a 2oman voi'ed an an)ry but le)itimate 'om*laint only to be 3a'ed 2ith a man/s summary invalidation o3 her *oint o3 vie2. 9he uselessness o3 these e6'han)es has stru' me as saddenin) to the *oint o3 bein) tra)i'. 9he 2oman 'learly had a *oint! but )iven the man/s a2areness! it 2as badly stated and mi6ed 2ith so mu'h 3eelin) that only a man already a'8uainted 2ith the 'om*laint 'ould 2eather the intense emotion. 9he usual male res*onse o3 de3ensiveness serves only to rea33irm the 2oman/s vie2! leavin) a 'hillin) )a* bet2een them. Consider the 3ollo2in) drama overheard at a 'o'tail loun)e. Mary had been dan'in) 2ith a man! and returned to her seat around a lo2 table hea*ed 2ith drins. .What a 'ree*K. she says.
.?6treme re*ulsivo! eh=E 8ui*s Son5a. .:eally! these )uys thin they are @od/s )i3t to 2omen..
:elu'tantly 0ran taes the bait. .Bou didn/t have to dan'e 2ith him! you no2..
.<e 2ouldn/t leave me alone. 1 thou)ht 1 2ould )et rid o3 him i3 1 dan'ed 2ith him on'e..
.C/mon! you no2 you lie it!. Sam interru*ts.
.WhatK <avin) some slob rub himsel3 all over me= What is it 2ith you )uys! you/re so into )ettin) laid that you 'an/t tell 2hen a 2oman isn/t interested=.
.Ch! oh! here 'omes the 2oman/s li*K.
.Listen! Sam! 1/m no 3eminist! but 1/m si' o3 horny )uys 2ho 'an/t tae no 3or an ans2er..
.13 you 'an/t stand the heat! stay out o3 bars! is 2hat 1 say..
.Ch yeah= What )ives you the ri)ht to tell me to stay out o3 bars= De6t thin) you are )oin) to say is that 1 should stay out o3 the street and that i3 1 )et ra*ed! 1 2as asin) 3or itK.
.Well! some streets! some ni)hts! you 2ould be asin) 3or it..
.Beah! and 1 su**ose you are )oin) to tell me that 1/d en5oy it..
.1 didn/t say that! 5ust that you/ve )ot to e6*e't 'ertain thin)s in 'ertain *la'esK .
. >on/t )ive me that! you really thin 1 lie bein) harassed by men. Oand so onP.
1n these 3amiliar debates both the 2omen and the men have a le)itimate *osition& She resents the assum*tion that men/s insistent *ursuit is *leasin) 2hen! in 3a't! she 3elt intruded u*on and 2ished to be le3t alone. <e sin'erely believes that in the 'onte6t o3 a bar! men are 'orre't to assume that she is at least interested i3 not available. Deither is res*ondin) to the other/s *oint o3 vie2 and the e6'han)e *rodu'ed more heat than li)ht on the sub5e't. ?veryone around the table 2as le3t u*set! and 3or some it s*oiled the evenin).
1n this 'ha*ter 1 2ould lie to e6*lore the 2oman/s vie2*oint 2ith the ho*e o3 bein) hel*3ul to my male readers. 1t is reasonable to assume that most men are doin) their best to be )ood men. 9here3ore! 2hen 2e are lum*ed to)ether as a )rou* and a''used o3 a ty*i'al male short'omin) O. All you 2ant is se6%%a ty*i'al male. or .Hust lie a man! emotionally retarded.P! 2e need to reali;e that 2hether 3air or not! these a''usations are best not taen as *ersonal atta's.
13! in 3a't! 2e are un2ittin)ly a'tin) a''ordin) to some *rimitive male tradition! then our behavior is the result o3 role trainin) 3or 2hi'h 2e are not 2holly to blame. As lon) as 2e don/t understand 2hat 2e are doin) 2ron)! 2e 'annot! in all 3airness! be held res*onsible 3or it. We don/t have to rea't 2ith )uilt and need not be de3ensive. 1nstead! 2e need to understand the 'riti'ism and then 2e 'an *ro'eed to do somethin) about it i3 2e 2ish.
9o hel* understand our male role behavior! it is use3ul to remember the 3ollo2in)& When human bein)s are born! they are divided into t2o )rou*s. Cne )rou* is told& .When you )ro2 u*! you 2ill be a )irl! and you should be a su**ortive and nurturin) *erson. 1n order to be truly )ood at bein) nurturin) it 2ill be use3ul 3or you to be intuitive and 'a*able o3 readin) *eo*le/s minds! es*e'ially men/s! be'ause men! bless them! aren/t )ood at asin) 3or 2hat they need. Sin'e your ma5or tas 2ill be to nurture! you 2on/t need to be very rational. Bou don/t need rationality in order to be su**ortive; in 3a't! rationality inter3eres and 'ould even be detrimental to nurturin). 1t is best to try not to under%stand 'ertain thin)s.E
9he other )rou* is told& . When you )ro2 u*! you 2ill be a man. A )ood man must thin 'learly and lo)i'ally; his main tas is to solve *roblems! es*e'ially *roblems related to *o2er and ho2 to a''umulate it. Bein) tuned in and sensitive is not essential to a man be'ause it 2ill di33i'ult to thin lo)i'ally i3 you let *eo*le/s 3eelin)s inter3ere. Su''ess%%bein) a 'om*etitive 2orer%%2ill be di33i'ult i3 you be'ome too a2are o3 others/ emotions! so it is im*ortant that you *ut rationality above 3eelin)s. Leave emotionality and sensitivity to 2omen; they are better at it than you..
9hese instru'tions a33e't all 'hildren%%less so no2 than in years *ast! but they are still a *ervasive in3luen'e on our youn). ?ven i3 the household in 2hi'h 2e 2ere raised did not *arti'ularly subs'ribe to this *oint o3 vie2! there still are s'hools! television! the movies! the ne2s%*a*ers! and other adults and 'hildren to rein3or'e these *oints o3 vie2.
C3 'ourse! every *erson has had di33erent role trainin) and in3luen'es o*eratin) in his li3e. 9he *oint is that no man is 3ree o3 them. <o2 does this early%li3e! basi' trainin) a33e't men/s eventual 'hara'ter= Daturally! the e33e't varies! but let me dra2 you three 'ari'atures o3 the out'ome o3 these 'hildhood instru'tions 2hen driven to three di33erent e6tremes& . 9he Se6 Ma'hine. .9he Woraholi'!. and .Cool! Calm! and Colle'ted..
The Sex Machine; Men Are Dogs. Cne o3 2omen/s ma5or 'om*laints about men 'on'erns their intense interest in se6. ?a'h o3 the 3ollo2in) 'omments 'omes 3rom a di33erent distrau)ht 2oman.
.<is only emotional outlet is se6ual. 1 only no2 he is 3eelin) somethin) 2hen he is *assionately interested in )ettin) into my *ants.. .4nless se6 is in the *i'ture! he is not interested; i3 a 2oman is not se6ually attra'tive! she doesn/t 'ount. With him se6 is 3irst! everythin) else 3ollo2s.. .<e only tou'hes me 2hen he is interested in havin) se6; i3 1 tou'h him! he assumes it is se6ual%%a 'ome%on. 1 am deathly a3raid o3 sho2in) any a33e'tion 3or him be'ause 1 'annot )et him to be a33e'tionate ba' 2ithout it be'omin) a se6ual thin).. .1t seems that as lon) as he is turned on to me! he has ener)y 3or me. 9he moment that he 'omes! he )oes a2ay; he either 3alls aslee*! starts readin)! or rolls over. 1 3eel utterly erased as i3 1 didn/t e6ist..
9hese des'ri*tions may be e6treme! but most men are a2are o3 the ind o3 se6ual 3o'us 2e o3ten o*erate under. 0or a number o3 reasons! some *robably inborn! 2e seem to be 'om*elled to *ursue 2omen 3or the *ur*ose o3 havin) inter'ourse 2ith them. We may mas this obsession and try to be 'ivili;ed! or 2e may be blatant about it. We may be su''ess3ul at it! or 2e may be utter 3ailures; nevertheless! 2e seem to have that tenden'y to thin o3 2omen as se6ual o**ortunities and o3ten little else.
And they no2 it.
Some say that it is a s*e'i3i'ally male ur)e havin) to do 2ith inborn a))ression and the biolo)i'al drive to *ro'reate. Another theory is that sin'e men are trained to su**ress 3eelin)s! the only 3eelin)s that remain are the *o2er3ul )enital sensations that the se6ual a't *rovides. When a man meets a 2oman 2ho doesn/t en5oy his advan'es! the 'ombination o3 his tenden'y to be una2are o3 *eo*le/s 3eelin)s and his drive to have inter'ourse results in a disre)ard 3or the annoyan'e he 'auses her. <e thins he is hidin) his intense se6ual interest 2hile she is utterly a2are o3 it. 9his relentless *ursuit o3 se6ual en'ounter is 2hy 2omen 'om*lain that they a**ear to be mere ob5e'ts 3or his se6ual needs; hen'e! 2omen/s a''usation that men *er'eive them as .se6ual ob5e'ts..
Another more 'haritable e6*lanation 3or men/s 'onstant se6ual sear'h is that men have an insatiable 'uriosity to e6*erien'e 2omen/s intimate! emotional! se6ual res*onse. 9he reason )iven 3or this is that men are 'ut o33! alienated 3rom their o2n emotions by their u*brin)in). Women/s 3eelin)s! there3ore! be'ome enormously attra'tive and endlessly 3as'inatin). Bein) in the *resen'e o3 2omen/s lovin) ener)y and se6ual *assion is over2helmin)ly *leasurable. 9o be able to )enerate su'h 3eelin)s in 2omen is 2onder3ul! and to be able to 3eel them intimately is sublime. But even so he 2ill tend to relate to her as an ob5e't; a vessel o3 deli)ht3ul 3emale ener)y! rather than as a *arti'ular 2oman! 2ith lies! dislies! 'om*le6ities and needs beyond her 3emale 'harms.
9his is a subtler 3orm o3 ob5e'ti3i'ation! he relates to her as more than a body! a**re'iates her ener)y and 2armth! but still 3ails to relate to her as a real *erson. C3ten men 2ho *ursue 2omen in this 2ay are lie Dar'issus! they 3eel desirable 2hen they see themselves re3le'ted in her lovin) eyes! and they be'ome drun 2ith this 3latterin) vie2 o3 themselves. Women 2ho are on the re'eivin) end o3 this ty*e o3 attention or . love . eventually sense that they are bein) treated as an ar'hety*e! rather than an individual! and 'ome to 3eel used. 1n addition 2omen 'an be tem*ted into 3ul3illin) this male 3antasy and 2ill 3ae or)asms and e6a))erate *leasure 2hen there may in 3a't! be very little.
Many 2omen are so 'on'erned 2ith their loos and their attra'tiveness that they turn themselves into ob5e'ts. By *uttin) em*hasis on 'lothes! maeu*! and 'harmin) and attra'tive behavior they be'ome 'om*li'it in the *ro'ess. 1n the end no real *erson 'an be dis'erned and man tryin) to relate to this ind o3 a 2oman 2ill be relatin) to a 3ront; its not sur*risin) that he has trouble thinin) o3 her as a *erson. <e may desire her! but he 2on/t be able to understand her. <e may be able to have se6 2ith her! but he 2on/t no2 ho2 to mae love to her.
1t is hard 3or men to ima)ine 2hat the e6*erien'e o3 se6ual ob5e'ti3i'ation is lie 3or a 2oman. We assume that i3 2e 2ere on the re'eivin) end o3 that ind o3 attention 2e 2ould be *leased and 3lattered. 1t/s di33i'ult 3or us to understand 2hy some 2omen 3ind it so hurt3ul and insultin)! es*e'ially sin'e not all 2omen 3eel that 2ay and those 2ho 3eel that 2ay! don/t al2ays.
A 'om*arable e6*erien'e 3or men is the 2ay 2e are ob5e'ti3ied as bread2inners and meal ti'ets. As 2e evaluate 2omen by the si;e o3 their breasts! 2e are liely to be evaluated by the si;e o3 our 2allets. We too are 3lattered 2hen 2e are admired 3or our earnin) 'a*a'ities! but in the end it is a demeanin) a**raisal 3oisted on us by the same se6 roles that turn us into se6 ma'hines.
At the same time the ob5e'ti3i'ation o3 men/s bodies by 2omen is *ro)ressin) ra*idly alon) 2ith 2omenAs 2illin)ness to be a))ressive and *redatory lie men. 9he movies and other media are sho2in) 2omen lustin) a3ter menAs Isi6 *a'sE and *o2er3ul .lats!E s8uare 5a2s and )ood hair. Any man 2ho is that attra'tive is *rone to e6*erien'e ob5e'ti3i'ation by 2omen Oand other menP and resented 5ust as mu'h as 2omen do. Men 2ho 3ail the test o3 attra'tiveness are in'reasin)ly 3eelin) the stin) o3 2omenAs disinterest and even derision; a 3amiliar e6*erien'e 3or 2omen but a ne2 e6*erien'e 3or many men
Men are bein) handed a dose o3 their o2n medi'ine. 9his is! 1 believe! all to the )ood. 1t/s *robably the sin)le most e33e'tive 2ay o3 instillin) some understandin) in us o3 ho2 it 3eels to be treated lie a hun o3 meat. Perha*s as 2omen turn a 5aundi'ed eye on our im*er3e't bodies! 2e 2ill develo* more toleran'e and understandin) 3or the 3emale 'om*laint about us.
All Work and No Play; Men Are Workaholics. Another ma5or 'om*laint about men is that they 'are about their 2or above all else. 9he 3ollo2in) 'omments 'ome 3rom a number o3 di33erent 2omen.
.When 1 tal about ho2 1 3eel! his eyes )la;e over. <e may a**ear to be listenin)! but he is )one to a 3ara2ay land o3 business 'harts and sto' o*tions. . . <e never has any 3un; he/s al2ays thinin) o3 his 2or. . . 1 'ome in a de3inite se'ond in his li3e; 3irst! the 2or! then! maybe i3 there is time! me. . . Wor! eat! 2at'h 97! slee*! that/s all he seems to 2ant to do. When 2e )o on va'ation! it taes him all the time to 2ind do2n. By the time the va'ation is over! he is 5ust! 3inally! )ettin) into it. . . <e 2ors t2o 5obs! and 2hen he 'omes home! he 3i6es thin)s around the house. 1 )uess 1 'an/t 'om*lain 2hen he 2ors so hard! but 1 hate it any2ay. Why 'an/t he rela6 and en5oy li3e= . . Carl/s interests are 3o'used on 2or! su''ess! himsel3. <e doesn/t 'are about me! 5ust himsel3 and his e)o. <e is a )ood husband! 1 su**ose! but i3 husbandin) re8uires interest in my 3eelin)s! 3or)et it..
Mr. Woraholi' is the e6tension! to )rotes8ue e6tremes! o3 'hildhood instru'tions to be a res*onsible 'aretaer! boosted by the en'oura)ement men re'eive 2hen they 3ul3ill that role. 9imes are 'han)in) but men are still tau)ht that their tass in li3e are to *rovide 3or a 2i3e and 3amily and to be as se'ure! ri'h! and *o2er3ul as *ossible. Men 2ho have taen these lessons to heart! and based their identity around their role as bread%2inner! are astonished 2hen 2omen 8uestion these *riorities. :ela6in)! havin) 3un! lettin) )o%%it/s 5ust not that easy. Some dru)! usually al'ohol! may hel* to brin) the 2oraholi' do2n enou)h to mae rela6ation *ossible.
4n3ortunately! the al'ohol 2ears o33! more is needed! and eventually he 3alls aslee* or )ets drun. <is 2or%al'oholism may lead to al'oholism or some other 3orm o3 dru) addi'tion. Some men use 'o'aine to in'rease their 2or out*ut! thou)h 'o33ee and 'i)arettes still are the most traditional 2ormates. 0or these men! 5oy is hard to 'ome by. 0un and rela6ation are not this man/s 'ommon e6*erien'e! thou)h he lon)s 3or and *ursues them in his se6ual li3e and dru) use. Women are usually ambivalent about men/s intense 3o'us on their 2or. At 3irst it may seem desirable. But 2hen the 2or taes the love and 5oy out o3 the relationshi*! hurt! an)er! and resentment re*la'e the initial a''e*tan'e.
Hanet! a "0%year%old house2i3e! said this about her husband/s obsession 2ith 2or& . Ma6 is a sto'broer! and he brin)s his 2or home. 1 used to brin) him tea and sit and read 2hile he 2ored in the evenin)s. 1 never thou)ht to 'om*lain. But as the years *assed and there seemed to be no end to his 2or! 1 be)an to hate it. 1 su**ose that 1 e6*e'ted it to be less as he did better! but it a'tually )ot 2orse. 1 3elt lie 1 didn/t have a husband and be)an to 8uestion the 2hole thin). As 3ar as 1 am 'on'erned! 1 don/t 'are ho2 2ell he does. 1t doesn/t do me any )ood a3ter a 'ertain *oint i3 he is never there 3or me. .
1tAs im*ortant to balan'e home li3e and 2or in su'h a 2ay that neither se'urity nor the relationshi* is threatened. When a man loves a 2oman! he *robably 2ould a**re'iate bein) able to establish su'h a balan'e; to do so usually re8uires on)oin) dis'ussion and the 'oo*eration o3 both *artners.
Cool, Calm and Collected; Men Are Emotionally etarded. A third ma5or 'om*laint about men is that they are tone dea3 and un3athomable in their emotional res*onses.
.With >on 2hen thin)s are oay! 1 usually 3eel that 1 no2 him. 9hen suddenly he does somethin) disa)reeable that 1 5ust don/t understand. 13 1 try to 3ind out 2hy! 1 5ust hit a bri' 2all. <e 2on/t! or 'an/t! tell me ho2 he 3eels. <is reasons don/t mae sense to me! and 1 ee* thinin)! J13 he only told me ho2 he 3eels! 1/d understand./ .
.Sometimes 1 'an tell he is an)ry! but he denies it! . said Sue! F$! married to Ha'! a tru' driver! F9. . Sometimes 1 am ama;ed at his la' o3 normal res*onse. When 1 e6*e't him to be s'ared he is not. When 1 need nurturin)! he )ets turned o33. 9hen he )ets de*ressed and doesn/t no2 2hy. 1 5ust )ive u* tryin) to mae sense o3 him.. . <e tries to a**ear 'ool! but all he is hard to read! and hard to deal 2ith. 1 no2 somethin) is ha**enin)! and 1 'an even )uess 2hat it is! but he denies my )uesses! and 'laims not to be 3eelin) anythin). So 1 am le3t in the dar. A3ter a 2hile 1 )et an)ry mysel3. 9he an)rier 1 )et the 'ooler he )ets. 1t maes me 3eel lie a hel*less 'hild. 1 2ant to hit him so he/ll 3eel somethin). 9hen he loos hurt and s'ared. But 2ould he admit to it= Dot on your li3e. .
Anne! 29! says about her lover o3 3our years& .<e never says! J1 love youK/ 1 no2 he does! or at least 1 thin he does! and he does try to hint that he does! but he never 'omes ri)ht out and lets me o33 the hoo by looin) me in the eye and sayin) strai)ht out and 2ithout hesitation! J1 love you./ .
9he ima)e o3 the totally unru33led man o3 a'tion! the silent ty*e! tall! dar! and handsome! in 'ontrol o3 his 3eelin)s! o3 2omen! o3 any situation%%the man 2ho never loses his 'ool! 'ertainly never 'ries Ounless someone dies! then maybeP! and only )ets an)ry 2hen totally sel3%ri)hteous%%is a *o2er3ul stereoty*e that 2e are 'onstantly e6*osed to on movie and 97 s'reens! in novels! ma)a;ines! and 'omi' boos. 9his ima)e! 2hen ado*ted by a real *erson! *rodu'es a human bein) 2ho is easiest to relate to at a distan'e; the 'loser one )ets! the harder he is to lie. Be'ause he is human! he really does have 3eelin)s. But he doesn/t a'no2led)e them least o3 all to himsel3.
1nstead! he denies 2ith sin)ularity o3 *ur*ose that he needs! hurts! hates! loves! 3ears! and ho*es. <e resists any and all attem*ts to brin) him to deal 2ith his 3eelin)s. 9he reason 3or this is sim*ly that he has been told in a multitude o3 2ays! sin'e early 'hildhood! that 3eelin)s are a 2eaness that men should not indul)e in. <e is tryin) to be a )ood man in the best 2ay he no2s ho2. When his 3eelin)s )et the u**er hand%%o3ten in the 3orm o3 an)er or in bouts o3 )reat de*ression and )uilt%%he re)ards this as a breado2n o3 essential 'ontrols and 8ui'ly tries to brin) matters ba' to normal. 13 he 3ails! he may have a nervous breado2n and 2ind u* 2ith a li3elon) *res'r*tion o3 Pro;a'. Men o3 this sort o3ten mana)e to stay emotionally 2ithdra2n! even 3rom those 'losest to them. Su'h a man may be married 3or t2enty years or more! and ee* his 2i3e at arms distan'e emotionally throu)h out. Women 2ho live year in! year out 2ith this ind o3 'oldness 'an be'ome e6tremely bitter. :elate to these inds o3 men 2omen may initially 3eel sorry 3or them and tolerate their 'oldness and la' o3 3eelin). .<e loves me! . she may tell hersel3! . <e 5ust doesn/t no2 ho2 to say it.. But eventually! toleran'e turns into disa**ointment! hurt! and an)er that 2ill a33e't the relationshi*.
Su'h male 'hara'teristi's as des'ribed above are seldom 3ound in their *ure state in the real 2orld. More liely! *arts o3 them are 3ound in all o3 us. ?very man has a little o3 the se6 ma'hine! the 2oraholi'! and the 'ool dude in him in di33erent *ro*ortions at di33erent times o3 his li3e. 1 e6*lore them here be'ause they are the male stereoty*es that 2omen 'om*lain about and be'ause none o3 the three is a *arti'ularly e33e'tive 2ay to be i3 one 2ants satis3yin)! intimate relationshi*s 2ith 2omen.
?a'h one has its initial a**eal. A man 2ho s2ee*s you o33 your 3eet 2ith his se6ual *assion! 2ho 2ors hard and is su''ess3ul! or 2ho is in 'ontrol o3 this 'haoti' 2orld 2e live in is an attra'tive *ros*e't. 9he dra2ba's o3 these sim*listi' a**roa'hes to li3e don/t 'ome out until he han)s out 3or a 2hile! and 2e see that he is obsessed 2ith se6! su''ess! or 'ontrol. @lamorous thou)h he a**eared in the t2ili)ht o3 romanti' en'ounters! he is not 8uite as a**ealin) in the sustained li)ht o3 lon)%term intima'y.
As yoursel3& >oes any o3 the above seem to des'ribe you= >o these 'om*laints rin) a bell o3 re'o)nition= Can you say that you are not a33e'ted by the *atterns o3 manhood that 1 des'ribe= As a man you are *robably in3luen'ed by one or more o3 these male roles! and you *robably have su33ered in your relationshi*s 2ith 2omen Oand menP be'ause o3 them! as have 1. 9his is only natural. But it is not ne'essary! and i3 2e are so in'lined! 2e 'an do somethin) to 'han)e it.
Men 2ho 3ind themselves 'reatin) an emotional )a* in their relationshi*s 2ould do 2ell to 'on'entrate on be'omin) more a2are and e6*ressive o3 their emotional lives and the emotional lives o3 others. 9his 'an be a'hieved throu)h trainin) in ?motional Litera'y. Let us be)in this *ro'ess o3 emotional edu'ation at the be)innin)! by C*enin) the <eart.
Cha*ter F. What Women Want 0rom 4s& C*enin) the <eart.
@ivin) a33e'tion is an instin't u*on 2hi'h human bein)s share 2ith other mammals has develo*ed into a 'om*le6! multi3a'eted art. While 2e all have the instin't! not all *eo*le are e8ually silled in the art.
Peo*le/s re*ertories are o3ten limited; 3or men! love is o3ten restri'ted to se6ual lovemain) or 3atherly 'on'ern. We are o3ten embarrassed by the idea o3 an e6trava)ant sho2 o3 a33e'tion. 0or 2omen! on the other hand! love tends to be 'onne'ted 2ith the o*en 3lo2 and e6*ression o3 a33e'tion stron)ly 3elt and o3ten 8uite se*arate 3rom se6uality.
Men and 2omen en5oy ea'h other/s style o3 lovin); in 3a't! re'eivin) that 2hi'h 2e don/t have to )ive is a s*e'ial *leasure. Women en5oy men/s *hysi'ality and *assion; men en5oy 2omen/s tenderness and nurturin). But 2hen 2e 2ant to )et ba' some o3 2hat 2e )ive! 2e o3ten 3ind that our o**osite number is stru' dumb and that there seems to be no 2ay to )et 2hat 2e 2ant and need.
1nstead o3 )ivin) 2hat the other 2ants! 2e o3ten 5ust )ive more o3 2hat 2e L2ant andM no2 ho2 to )ive. Conse8uently! 2e 3ind ourselves )ivin) more and )ettin) less o3 2hat 2e need in return. 4ltimately! men o3ten develo* the 3eelin) that 2omen/s needs are in3inite and im*ossible to satis3y. 1n 3a't! 2hat 2omen 2ant is sim*le and 3inite! only 2e don/t al2ays no2 ho2 to )ive it. 9y*i'ally! men 3ind it di33i'ult to )et the ind o3 se6ual attention they 2ant! and 2omen have trouble )ettin) the nurturin) and )entle tenderness they 'rave.
1n intervie2in) 2omen 3or this boo! the very 3irst 8uestion 2e ased 2as! .When you 3irst meet a man! 2hat 'auses you to be interested=. 9he ans2er almost universally re3erred to the man/s *ersonality%%his ener)y! his interests! his attitude. 1t seldom had to do 2ith his *re'ise *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's. Cne o3 the res*onses that 'ame u* 2ith a )reat deal o3 3re8uen'y had to do 2ith the man/s eyes. .<o2 he loos at me!. or .What *art o3 me he loos at.. 9he 3ollo2in) are ty*i'al res*onses 3rom several 2omen.
.13 he loos at me 2ith interest! 1 lie it.. .1t/s all in the eyes! the eyes are very im*ortant.. .1t/s the s*arle in his eye that 3irst dra2s my attention.. .it/s not the eyes themselves! but 2hat they see that 1 'are about..
Cn 'loser investi)ation it seems that the 2omen 2ho res*onded in this 2ay 2ere tunin) in to the 3a't that 2hen men loo at 2omen! they 3re8uently eye them 2ith some very *re'ise standards havin) to do 2ith their *hysi'al a**earan'e.
While it is 'ertainly true that there are men 2ho re)ard a 2oman as a *ie'e o3 ass! and *erha*s a tro*hy to sho2 o33 to one/s 3riends! and little else! most men are not that 'rude. But even 3or men 2ho relate to 2omen on dee*er levels! there is a dee* seated habit! 2hen 3irst meetin) a 2oman! to .'he' her out. visually. Some men 3eel )uilty about it! but 3ind it a seemin)ly automati' re3le6! di33i'ult to over'ome.
Psy'holo)ists re'ordin) the eye movements o3 *ersons looin) at a *aintin) have 3ound that di33erent *eo*le loo at di33erent *arts o3 the 'anvas in di33erent se8uen'es. Some *ay attention to one detail; others s2ee* over the 2hole 'anvas. 1 no2 o3 no s'ienti3i' resear'h about 2hat men loo at 2hen they meet 2omen! but 1 have s*oen to many 2omen 2ho have be'ome a'utely a2are o3 2hat most men do 2ith their eyes 2hen meetin) a 2oman 3or the 3irst time.
4n3ortunately! men/s *er'e*tions have been dee*ly a33e'ted by a narro2 de3inition o3 3emale beauty that has trained the male eye so that it 2ill almost automati'ally 3i6 itsel3 on hair! breasts! 2aist! hi*s! le)s! and 3a'ial 3eatures. Based on a set o3 .a''e*table. standards o3 a**earan'e! men run a virtual s*ot evaluation&
Q Add u* s'ores QQ Choose 2omen 2ith hi)hest s'ores. 13 not available )o to the 2oman 2ith the ne6t hi)hest s'ore.
Certain o3 us may be more interested in breasts than hi*s! or in le)s rather than breasts. 9here is a 'ertain latitude about 2hat is or isn/t a''e*table. 9his! o3 'ourse! is a 'ari'ature. 9han3ully! 3e2 men are really this ruthlessly 'rude. But most men en)a)e in some de)ree o3 this ty*e o3 thinin)! thou)h they may try not to. Some men! o3 'ourse! are less a33li'ted by this 'urse than others! but un3ortunately! it a33e'ts 3ar too many o3 us.
9he *roblem is not really that men loo at 2omen/s breasts! hi*s! and le)s. Women/s bodies are beauti3ul! so 2hy not loo at them= 9he *roblem is 1P 2e o3ten *ay more attention to body *arts than *ersonality! and 2P 2e evaluate them a''ordin) to *re'on'eived ideas o3 beauty%%2e don/t see the beauty that is there. 1n my o*inion! mu'h o3 2hat 2omen so dislie about men/s rovin) eye is that it Q*uts *hysi'al beauty above all elseQ! and that it 5ud)es in this 'rude! *re5udi'ed manner.
:enee had this 'omment& .My 3riend 'alled me a hy*o'rite one ni)ht a3ter a *arty! be'ause 1 )ave my *hone number to this )uy 2ho made a lot o3 3latterin) 'omments about my eyes and my hair. 1/ve al2ays said that 1 hate it 2hen )uys 3o'us on 2omen/s loos and try to sedu'e them 2ith 3lattery. But my 3riend only 'ame in on the last *art o3 the 'onversation. Be3ore that 2e/d been talin) about my 2or; 1 tea'h art history. <e ased me a lot o3 8uestions! not 5ust *olite 8uestions! but s*e'i3i' 8uestions! he ne2 a little about the sub5e't and had intelli)ent thin)s to as. <e ased me 2here 1 2as 3rom! about my 3amily! and told me about himsel3. When he said 1 had *retty eyes! and that he lied the 'olor o3 my hair and the 2ay 1 2ear it! it 2as really ni'e! be'ause 1 already 3elt he/d *aid attention to the rest o3 me 3irst. 1 2as a'tually really 3lattered! 2hereas usually 'om*liments 3rom men 5ust mae he 3eel annoyed and im*osed on..
Many men are be2ildered 2hen 2omen 'om*lain o3 bein) se6 ob5e't! be'ause they doubt 2omen 2ould really en5oy it i3 their a**earan'e 2ere i)nored. 9hey assume 2omen en5oy bein) told they are beauti3ul as mu'h as men en5oy bein) told they are handsome. 9here is some truth to this! 2hat 2omen really ob5e't to is the 'onstant! in'essant 3o'us on their bodies! to the e6'lusion o3 all else! and throu)h very narro2 standards o3 beauty. 9he solution then is not to i)nore 2omen/s bodies! but to loo at the *ersonality 3irst! and then a**re'iate the *hysi'al beauty 2ithout 'om*arin) it to some ruthless Playboy ideal. 13 men 5ust looed and a**re'iated more o3 2hat they sa2! their )a;e 2ould lose the hun)ry or re5e'tin) ed)e and be less o33ensive.
Cne o3 the most un3ortunate 'onse8uen'es o3 men/s 3i6ation on 2omen/s *hysi'al beauty Onarro2ly de3inedP is that many husbands 3ind that a3ter their 2ives have had 'hildren! as their hi*s 2iden and their 3a'es be)in to sho2 the si)ns o3 a)e! they be'ome less attra'ted to them. 9heir 2ives usually sense this loss o3 interest and 3eel dee*ly hurt by it. 4sually these thin)s )o unsaid! and 'an so2 seeds o3 dee* resentment! leadin) to the erosion o3 the bond bet2een them. 9his is really tra)i'! and it all stems 3rom a narro2 'on'e*tion o3 beauty 2hi'h men 'an and should unlearn. 1 e6*lain ho2 this 'an be done belo2! in the se'tion on retrainin) the eye.
Crude and 'old%hearted *riorities are not the e6'lusive domain o3 men. Women have also looed at men 2ith su*er3i'ial and e6a'tin) standards in mind%%mostly havin) to do 2ith men/s *o2er! their ability to be *roviders and *rote'tors. At times their 'he'list is as 'old%blooded as men/s! 3rom mae! model! and year o3 his 'ar to )ross ad5usted in'ome. 9o the a''usation .Men loo at 2omen as se6 ob5e'ts!. men 'an res*ond! .Women loo at men as money ob5e'ts.. Both are e6a))erated 'ari'atures! but both have some truth to them. 0ortunately this behavior is behavior is be'omin) less *revalent in the 2ae o3 the 2omen/s movement be'ause it 3lies in the 3a'e o3 3eminism.
1n 3a't! 2omen have their o2n *hysi'al *re3eren'es! su'h as si;e! a)e! le)s! 3a'e! shoulders! or 2aist. An in3ormal *oll in De2 Bor/s 2eely 7illa)e 7oi'e 3ound eyes to be hi)hest ranin)! 2hile asses 'ame in se'ond. 1 have s*oen to 2omen 2ho 3ind that they too have a hard time resistin) the tenden'y to *la'e undue im*ortan'e on the loos o3 a man 2hen meetin) 3or the 3irst time! and 3eel bad about it! es*e'ially sin'e they don/t lie to be 5ud)ed that 2ay themselves. But%%and this is very im*ortant%%in the same *oll most 2omen 8uestioned made it 'lear that *hysi'al attributes aren/t the most im*ortant. Mu'h more o3ten mentioned 2ere! .a se6y mind!. .tone o3 voi'e!. .intelli)en'e and 'harm!. .attitude!. .enthusiasm!. .a man 2ho *ays attention to me!. .the 2ay he stands!. .a *assionate man!. and! over and over! .his eyes.. 1n other 2ords! 2omen do tend to see more o3 the 2hole *erson.
While some 2omen 3ind men/s 3i6ation on their bodies 3latterin)! many 2omen! es*e'ially 2omen 2ho thin o3 themselves as intelli)ent! *o2er3ul! interestin)! or inde*endent! 3ind it insultin). But 2hen a man loos at the 2hole 2oman 2ith interest; i3 he loos at her eyes! at her 3a'e! at her hands! at her 2hole body rather than her 9RA body *arts! then she 2ill tae note o3 the 8uality o3 his interest and do so 2ith a**re'iation.
Cne o3 the reasons 2hy 2e men 3o'us on visual 3a'tors has to do 2ith our e)os; our need 3or sel3%esteem and *resti)e. We 3antasi;e about bein) 2alin) into a *arty 2ith a beauti3ul 2oman by our side! drivin) do2n the street 2ith her in a 'onvertible! bein) seen sittin) at a table in a restaurant! or 2alin) do2n the aisle. We ima)ine ho2 other men 2ill a**raise her and a**rove or disa**rove o3 her as a 2oman they/d lie to be 2ith! a 2oman they 2ould 'om*ete 3or. While! on the other hand! 2hen 'onsiderin) a less 'onventionally attra'tive *artner! 2e 2orry that other men 2ill 3ind her u)ly and lose res*e't 3or us 3or bein) seen 2ith her. Sadly! a man may hesitate to *ursue a 2oman 2ho )enuinely interests him due to su'h 3ears.
9his tenden'y is! 1 thin! 'om*ounded by an as*e't o3 male so'iali;ation; 2e are brou)ht u* to be een to si;e thin)s u*! to a**raise. Some resear'h indi'ates that men are 3rom birth more attuned to visual! s*atial relationshi*! 2hereas 2omen e6'el in lan)ua)e sills. Men are trained to noti'e the *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's o3 our environment. We are tuned in to dimensions and *ro*ortions! and this tenden'y 'arries over to our *er'e*tion o3 2omen. We tend to see 2omen/s bodies be3ore 2e see anythin) else. 9his 'ombined 2ith men/s 3o'us on se6uality! and his 'on'ern 2ith *resti)e! result in the male vi'e o3 bein) e68uisitely a2are o3 2omen/s bodies! noti'in) every detail! every small diviation 3rom the 'ultural ideal.
?a'h man must as himsel3 i3 he 2ants to let these sorts o3 3a'tors run his li3e! di'tate 2hi'h 2omen he 2ill date and mae love to! and 2ith 2hom he 2ill eventually 'ommitment. We have to as ourselves 2hether 2e 2ant to let other *eo*le/s visual standards )uide our lives. 9rue! 'ertain 2omen 2ill rouse envy and admiration in other men. So 2ill a shiny ne2 'ar or a ya'ht. 1n the very short run there is nothin) lie a )or)eous 2oman in the *assen)er seat o3 a manAs BMW 'onvertible to attra't *eo*le/s attention and )ive us *resti)e. But beyond the short run it isn/t 5ust loos! but everythin) else that maes *eo*le attra'tive.
Stron) *hysi'al attra'tion 'an be e6*losive and into6i'atin)! but it does not usually stand the tests o3 a li3etime to)ether. Hust as desirable! and more endurin)! is bein) 2ith someone 2ho is alive! ha**y! and 3ull o3 love. Whatever .3la2s. she may have! real or ima)ined! 2ill soon )o unnoti'ed in a )enuinely beauti3ul *erson.
Bru'e! a su''ess3ul 2riter in his "0/s 2ho had been married t2i'e! said& .1 *i'ed my 3irst 2i3e out o3 a 'ro2d! at a literary *arty. Within minutes o3 meetin) her 1 ne2 1 2anted to marry her. A'tually! main) her mine 2ould be a more e6a't e6*ression o3 ho2 1 thou)ht o3 it. ?veryone thou)ht she 2as a stunnin) beauty and a 3ittin) 'om*anion to a youn)! u*%and%'omin) 2riter lie mysel3. Well! she 2as )ood%looin)! no doubt! but our relationshi* 2as 'om*letely based on her loos and my su''ess. When 2e 2ere alone 2ith ea'h other 2e 2ere 8uite sim*ly bored. My se'ond 2i3e and 1 2ere not attra'ted to ea'h other at 3irst; 2e 5ust did not 3it ea'h other/s idea o3 2hat ea'h other should be. But 2e lied ea'h other more and more! rather 8ui'ly. Men don/t do double taes over her on the street! but my 3riends love her and love to han) out 2ith us. 1 admit! 1 used to thin she 2as *lain. 9oday 1 thin she/s )or)eous..
Women! too! )et 'au)ht in this ind o3 a tra*. 9o be seen 2ith a ri'h! *o2er3ul man 2ill arouse envy and admiration. 9he lure o3 su'h e)o boostin) *resti)e 'an 'ause 2omen to overloo their more intimate needs in 3avor o3 so'ial 3lattery. <o2 o3ten has a 2oman *i'ed a silent! *o2er3ul man and dis'overed too late that he is 'old and un)ivin)! even abusive and 'ruel= When *eo*le *i' their *artners on su'h su*er3i'ial bases! they must e6*e't that their 'hoi'es 2ill be *otentially 3la2ed. 1n time! the more im*ortant! more mutually satis3yin) dimensions o3 the *erson may turn out to be absent.
Most o3 us! in the lon) term! are not this 3i6ated on su*er3i'ial beauty. But i3 you 'onsider your de'isions honestly! most *eo*le reali;e they have a 'ertain .ran)e o3 a''e*tability. 2hen it 'omes to a**earan'e! and are uneasy 2hen they ima)ine bein) seen datin) someone 2ho does not 3all 2ithin that ran)e. 9his is es*e'ially true o3 men. 1t is really 2orth be'omin) a2are o3 this subtle dis'rimination most o3 us en)a)e in! and 'onsiderin) ho2 2e mi)ht re)ret it in the lon) run. Lon) a3ter the 'ro2ds )ive their a**roval! 2e have to deal 2ith our Q*artnerQ/s true *ersonality and may 3ind it 2antin). 1/ve s*oen to both men and 2omen 2ho reali;e this *roblem! but don/t no2 ho2 to )et over it. 0ortunately! ne2 2ays o3 seein) 'an be learned.
?S?:C1S? CD?& :?9:A1D1D@ 9<? ?B?
We have seen the *roblems our visual *reo''u*ations 'an 'reate. 1t is im*ortant! there3ore! to retrain the eye. But ho2 'an 2e alter this *erverse! seemin)ly irresistible tenden'y= 9here is somethin) 2e 'an do to modi3y the 2ay in 2hi'h 2e *er'eive 2omen so that 2hen 2e 3irst meet them! our eyes see beyond their *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's and into the many other dimensions o3 their bein).
When meetin) a 2oman! it/s a )ood idea to disre)ard our stron) tenden'y to *ay attention to her su*er3i'ial dimensions. 13 our ob5e'ti3yin) eye 3o'uses on some .blemish!. it/s very e33e'tive to overloo that *er'eived 3la2 and sear'h instead 3or somethin) 2e 3ind *leasin). 13 the eye is attra'ted to a nose that doesn/t have the e6a't *er3e't 2idth! len)th! or turn! then 2e 'ons'iously loo 3or somethin) that 2e do lie! su'h as her eyes! her hands! ho2 *roudly she stands. We 'an tae note o3 2hat 2e lie about her *hysi'ally! then )o on to other! more *sy'holo)i'al! as*e'ts o3 her *erson; her attitude! her intelli)en'e or 'reativity. Cn the other hand! 2hen 2e meet a 2oman 2ho is a media beauty! a .10!. 2e need to overloo her irresistibleQ .*er3e't. 3eatures and loo 3or other thin)s a)ain; her hands! her voi'e! 2hat she does and lies! 2ho she is.
9hat is! in 3a't! 2hat 2omen seem to do 2hen they 'onsider men. Cne 2oman says& .Soon a3ter 1 meet a man! i3 1 am )oin) to lie him! 1 no2 2hat *art o3 him is )oin) to attra't me. Q1t mi)ht be his smell! or his hands! his voi'e! the 2ay he stands! his arms! or maybe his 'hest. 9hat/s 2hat 1 am dra2n to over and over..
Another 2oman says& .Dobody is *er3e't. When 1 lie a man! 1 am dra2n to some 3eature o3 his. 1t 'an be anythin)%%1/m not 'hoosy%%lie his *ro3ile or his sin. Cther thin)s don/t seem to matter mu'h..
S*eain) 3or mysel3! years a)o 1 sim*ly 'ould not see beyond 2omen/s body *arts. My 3riends 'ould *redi't ahead o3 time 2hi'h 2omen 1 2ould be interested in and 2hi'h 2omen 1 2ould i)nore. 1 2as re*eatedly and severely 'riti'i;ed 3or this behavior. 1n addition! only a 3e2 2omen had the a**earan'e su33i'ient 3or me to be interested. 4sually! these 2omen 2ere the 3o'us o3 many other men/s interest as 2ell! and 1 3ound that there 2as usually some other man 2ho 2as more attra'tive to them than 1. So! the beauty! more o3ten than not! le3t me in the dust as she and this other 3ello2 2aled hand in hand into the sunset.
When 1 reali;ed! in des*eration! ho2 harm3ul 2as my a33li'tion! 1 be)an to retrain my eye. 1 *ra'ti'ed 3or several months until it be'ame se'ond nature. 1 tamed my eye/s automati' s'annin) o3 breasts! hi*s! le)s. 1 re3used to ree6amine the as*e'ts o3 a 2oman that 1 3ound un*leasin). 1 3or'ed mysel3 to )o on 3rom the easily *er'eived to the more subtle. 1 sear'hed 3or unnoti'ed beauty! e6*lored it! and e6*anded my a2areness. 1 dis'overed ho2 mu'h unseen *er3e'tion! ho2 mu'h *o2er! s*arle! intelli)en'e! and s2eetness there is in *eo*le a3ter 1 looed beyond my eye/s 3irst 3o'us. When 1 3ound somethin) 1 lied! 1 rested on it! relished and savored it.
Cne )lorious s*rin) mornin) 1 noti'ed an unusually lar)e number o3 beauti3ul 2omen 2alin) the streets o3 Bereley. 1 2as *u;;led. Was there a 2omen/s 'onvention in to2n! or *erha*s a ne2 in3lu6 o3 'oeds at the university= Was s*rin) 3or'in) all the beauti3ul 2omen into the streets= But no! the 2omen hadn/t 'han)ed. 1t 2as me. My eyes 2ere seein) beauti3ul! 3lo2in) hair! am*le hi*s! stron) le)s! 3a'es 3ull o3 'hara'ter! sel3%assured )aits. And! as 1 let mysel3 admire these lovely thin)s! 1 sa2 shinin) eyes returnin) the 'om*liment 2ith a smile and a 3li' o3 the shoulder that si)naled their a**re'iation.
Sin'e then! thou)h not 'om*letely 'ured! 1 am de3initely mu'h im*roved. 9he 2orld is 3ull o3 beauti3ul 2omen; too many in 3a't to 3ully attend to. 1 am lie a id in a 'andy store%%all due to a sim*le Othou)h not so easyP 'han)e in *er'e*tion stimulated by retrainin) the eye.
9he eyes are the 2indo2 o3 the soul! or so it is said. ?ye 'onta't is a very im*ortant as*e't o3 3irst meetin) a *erson. We o3ten avoid eye 'onta't be'ause 2e/re a3raid o3 2hat 2e mi)ht see and o3 bein) seen. When looin) into ea'h other/s eyes! *eo*le 'onne't in a 2ay that has nothin) to do 2ith any other *hysi'al attribute; attention 3lo2s dire'tly bet2een them 2ithout )ettin) hun) u* on this or that su*er3i'ial detail. 13 the eye 'onta't is a''om*anied by a handshae! a 'losed 'ir'uit o3 ener)y is established that 'an say a )reat deal about 2hat is ha**enin) bet2een the *eo*le involved. Whether the t2o *eo*le are 'om*atible and 2ill lie ea'h other enou)h to *ursue ea'h other/s 3riendshi* is o3ten de'ided in the LthisM 3irst 3e2 se'onds o3 'onta't.
9his ind o3 eye and hand en'ounter 2ill leave you 2ith a number o3 im*ressions 2hen you meet a 2oman. Cnly i3 you are able to see beyond the sur3a'e! 2ill the 2ay you see her! *lease her. Cn'e you dis'over 2hat deli)hts you about her! you are 2ell on your 2ay to *hrasin) your a**re'iation in a manner that 2ill 3eel )ood to her.
So e6er'ise Cne is retrainin) the eye and 3indin) the beauty. 9o *ra'ti'e it )o some2here 2here you 'an sit unobtrusively and observe many *eo*le! lie a bea'h! a sho**in) mall! or a busy street. Cbserve ordinary *eo*le as they )o by! not 5ust .10/s. but ."/s. and .$/s. Sear'h 3or somethin) that is *leasin) to you. :e3use to d2ell on 2hat you don/t lie.
De6t! s*end time 2ith a 2oman you no2 'asually. Cn'e a)ain sear'h 3or *ositive attributes! this time *sy'holo)i'al attributes& her attitude! her 'reativity! her intelli)en'e! her ener)y! 2hat have you. And don/t 3o'us on 2hat you don/t a**re'iate.
@et the idea= Cay then! *ra'ti'e! *ra'ti'e! *ra'ti'e.
?S?:C1S? 9WC& 9ALN 9C M? SW??9LB; S9:CN?S
Cn'e 2e have 3ound 2hat it is 2e lie about another *erson! 2e 'an *ro'eed to say it. 0or some *eo*le this is an easy tas. But 3or others a'tually sayin) 2hat they lieT)ivin) stroes in transa'tional analysis *arlan'eTand ho2 they lie it is 8uite di33i'ult. 9hey be'ome ton)ue%tied 2ith a**rehension.
.What i3 she hates 2hat 1 say=.
.What i3 1 mae a 3ool o3 mysel3= 1/m not )ood 2ith 2ords..
9he heart beats 3aster! and he starts to s2eat. .Maybe 1 should 2ait; tomorro2 is another day..
.She no2s 1 lie her; 2hy re*eat the obvious=.
Cne o3 the reasons men don/t e6*ress their a**re'iation to 2omen is that o3ten men 3eel that su'h a 'on3ession is tantamount to main) a 'ommitment. .13 1 tell her ho2 beauti3ul she is to me! she/ll thin 1/m in love! then she/ll 2ant to )et married and buy a house and t2o 'ars and have Qids! and 1/ll have to 2or t2o 5obs to *ut them throu)h 'olle)e...K. 0ears o3 this sort lur in many male hearts! resultin) in 2hat then a**ears to be emotional stin)iness 2hen he/s a3raid to *ay 'om*liments or e6*ress his love. A man 2ho is 3leein) 'ommitment 2ill be es*e'ially relu'tant to say ho2 mu'h he lies a 2oman be'ause to do so 'uts o33 his es'a*e *ath! or so he 3ears. Do 2onder he breas out in a 'old s2eatK
9ellin) someone ho2 mu'h 2e a**re'iate her doesn/t automati'ally si)nal li3elon) 'ommitment. Stroes Otransa'tional analysis 3or re'o)nition and 'om*limentsP 'an be )iven 3reely 2ithout 3ear o3 the .tender tra*.. <o2ever! it is true that be'ause some 2omen 3ind the e6*erien'e o3 re'eivin) heart3elt stroes 3rom men 8uite unusual! there is room 3or *otential misunderstandin) here. A 2oman may! in 3a't! 2ron)ly inter*ret this e6*erien'e. She may thin he is butterin) her u* 3or se6 or that he is drun or that he is in love 2ith her. Still it seems better to be lovin) and then deal 2ith any *ossible misunderstandin) than not to love at all.
1n any 'ase! i3 2e are 2orried about ho2 *eo*le are )oin) to tae our 'om*liments! it/s a )ood idea to *re*are them by .*avin) the 2ay.&
.1 have been noti'in) you the last 3e2 minutes; may 1 )ive you a 'om*liment=. or!
.Can 1 tell you somethin) 1 really lie about you=. or!
.1 don/t no2 you! but 2ould you be o33ended i3 1 told you somethin) that stru' me as very attra'tive about you=. or!
.1/ve been meanin) to tell you somethin). 1 no2 'om*liments mae some *eo*le 3eel a22ard! but there is somethin) 1 2ant to say to you! do you mind=.
At this *oint! you have *er'eived somethin) you lie about a 2oman and have made sure that she is 2illin) to hear your 'om*liment and to hear it as you mean it. 1t/s time to *ut it into 2ords.
A stroe doesn/t have to *ass muster as s'ienti3i' truth. But it has to 'ome 3rom the heart it needs to be sin'ere. 13 1 say! .1 thin you are beauti3ul Osmart! 3unnyP!. 1 only have to mae sure that 1 truly believe it. ?ven thou)h it is im*ortant to )enerate 2arm a**re'iation 2here there may initially be lue2arm interest! it is absolutely essential that it be heart3elt rather than a 2hite lie. Cn'e you have 3i)ured out 2hat you sin'erely lie about a *erson! it 2on/t hurt to )o some2hat overboard and be biased! hy*erboli'al! and meta*hori'! *arti'ularly sin'e men tend to be ob5e'tive! la'oni'! and s*arse. 1n other 2ords! 2hen it 'omes to 'om*liments! it/s better to )o sli)htly overboard than to 3all short. 1t/s better to be melodi'! rha*sodi'! or *oeti' than to be borin).
0or instan'e! i3 you are in'lined to say! .Bou are smart!. 2hy not say! .1 have been noti'in) you talin) to di33erent *eo*le and reali;ed ho2 really smart you are.= 1nstead o3 sayin)! .Bou are 3unny!. 2hy not say! .Bou no2 somethin)! you really 'ra' me u*. 1 love your sense o3 humor.= Why say! .Bou are beauti3ul!. 2hen you 'an say! .?very so o3ten 2hen 1 loo at you! 1 am startled by your beauty. Sometimes you tae my breath a2ay.= Women lie *oetry so let every a33e'tionate statement be a *oem.
As you be)in to e6*ress your a33e'tion! some 2omen may mistrust you and not believe it. A 2oman may shru) im*er'e*tibly! or mae a 3a'e or blin or 'lose her eyes 2hile she listens internally to a voi'e Oher inner Criti'PQ sayin)! .Ch! he is 5ust sayin) that to mae you 3eel )ood!. or .Ch! oh! here 'omes the se6ual *it'h..
13 you sus*e't that ind o3 thin) you 'an Qadd .1 have the 3eelin) you don/t believe me. 1 really do mean it.. 13 she seems to sus*e't this is a *i' u* line! you should add .1 don/t 2ant to mae you un'om3ortable; i3 1 did 1/m sorry.. 9his doesn/t mean you should then slin a2ay in )uilt or embarrassment; it/s 5ust to let her no2 you aren/t out to bother her! 5ust to share an admirin) observation as res*e't3ully as *ossible.Q
She may ans2er! .Bou don/t really mean that; you are 5ust sayin) it.. Bou 2ill be able to ans2er! 'onvin'in)ly! .But 1 do! 1 really! truly do.. 9ry a)ain and as her to believe you this time.
She may really truly not 2ant to be 'om*limented! that is al2ays *ossible. Cn the other hand she may res*ond 2ith a toothsome smile! a hu)! or a ha**y si)h! and then you/ll no2 that you have su''ess3ully en)a)ed in a re'i*ro'al! i3 small! lovin) a't%%the )ivin) and tain) o3 a33e'tion.
So! e6er'ise t2o is 9al to me S2eetly Oand 2at'h me meltP. 9o *ra'ti'e this e6er'ise start by 'hoosin) a *erson you no2 and 'an trust and a3ter asin) her 3or *ermission tell her some o3 the 3latterin) thou)hts you have had about her. A3ter you 'an do this easily! *ra'ti'e on *eo*le you don/t no2 2ell; at 2or! s'hool! or in the street.
And o3 'ourse! nothin) is as 2ell re'eived as 2hen at a 'hosen moment 2e 'at'h the attention o3 someone 2e dee*ly love and sin'erely! smilin)ly! unhesitatin)ly re'ite the shortest! s2eetest *oem o3 all& .1 love you..
?S?:C1S? 9<:??& LC7? M? B?BCD> WC:>S.
So 3ar! 1 have been re3errin) e6'lusively to the verbal e6*ression o3 *ositive 3eelin)s. But there are other 2ays in 2hi'h *eo*le sho2 their love. 0or instan'e! the very 3a't that t2o *eo*le are havin) a )ood 'onversation; even i3 it does not in'lude overt statements o3 a33e'tion! is a 3orm o3 mutual a**re'iation and stroin). 1n the *ro'ess o3 a 'onversation! a *erson res*onds *ositively to another by listenin)! 'are3ully 'onsiderin) 2hat the other is sayin)! and tain) it seriously! by either a)reein) or res*e't3ully disa)reein) and by sho2in) re'o)nition o3 2hat is bein) said by noddin)! smilin)! or even lau)hin).
Cne o3 the subtle as*e'ts o3 verbal 'ommuni'ation is the tonality o3 the voi'e! 2hi'h e6*resses the emotional 'ontent behind 2hat one is sayin). 9he very same 2ord! s*oen 2ith di33erent tones o3 voi'e! 'an have 2idely di33erent meanin)s. Cbviously! a )entle! tender tone o3 voi'e is )oin) to hei)hten the *ositive e33e'ts o3 a statement! 'om*ared to a 3lat or harsh one. ?ven i3 all meanin) is e6tra'ted 3rom somebody/s s*ee'h! it/s usually 'lear to a listener 2hether the s*eaer is e6*ressin) a *ositive! neutral! or ne)ative attitude 5ust 3rom the tone o3 it.
<o2 somethin) is said as 2ell as 2hat is said is! there3ore! a very im*ortant as*e't o3 2hat a man desirin) to be'ome a lovin) *erson needs to *ay attention to. Pra'ti'e tender s*ee'h; i3 you have di33i'ulty s*eain) so3tly and lovin)ly to a *erson! *ra'ti'e 2ith a itten! or a baby.
9ou'h Me! >onAt 9ou'h MeK
At times 2omen don/t seem to 2ant to be tou'hed by men! and the reason is that they 3ear that i3 they a''e*t a man/s tou'h! it 2ill be inter*reted as se6ual a'8uies'en'e. Women may seem overly *aranoid in this res*e't! but men 'onsistently over inter*ret 3riendliness and o*enness on the *art o3 2omen as a invitation. 9his is somethin) that 2omen have 'ome to resent. Some have 'ome to absolutely hate it.
.Why 'an/t he tou'h me 2ithout immediately )ettin) turned on and 2antin) se6=. one ased.
.4nless 1 no2 1 2ant se6 2ith a man! 1 don/t dare let him tou'h me be'ause he/ll thin it/s a 'ome%on!. said another.
Bet another s2ore! .1 2on/t tou'h a man unless 1 no2 1 2ant to have se6 2ith him..
Closely related to the se6ual tou'h is the *o2er tou'h. Men o3ten tou'h 2omen as a 2ay to assert their manhood! their 'ontrol and *o2er. We hold a 2oman/s elbo2; 2e tae their hands in ours! )uide them throu)h doors or do2n the street. All this 'an be inno'ent enou)h! but o3ten it/s a 2ay to sho2 mastery and then it 'an be resented.
So men 2ho are shy about tou'hin) 2omen have )ood reason. Men as a rule don/t have an a''urate )ras* o3 the e6tent to 2hi'h they invade 2omen/s *riva'y. Men are allo2ed to o2n the s*a'e they o''u*y and to move a))ressively out o3 it into other *eo*le/s%%es*e'ially 2omen/s. A man 2ho is sensitive re'o)ni;es that in almost any situation involvin) 2omen he has the *otential o3 a bull in a 'hina sho*. 9o tae the ris o3 tou'hin) them 2ithout 'reatin) *roblems re8uires a 'ertain amount o3 sensitivity.
9he hands are most naturally e6tensions o3 the heart. 9hey are the ideal instruments o3 love. Men seldom use their hands 3or any *ur*ose other than se6uality or mani*ulation. Many men tou'h 'hildren! or other men! or 2omen only 2hen they 2ant to 'ontrol them. 9he bene3its o3 tou'hin) are lar)ely ina''essible to these men; 'onse8uently! they don/t tou'h as mu'h as they need to! and tend to be underdevelo*ed in the )entle art o3 tou'hin). Bet! men/s hands are o3ten stron) and silled in other 2ays! and it 2ould not tae mu'h to learn their lovin)! *leasure%)ivin) 'a*a'ities.
9he sensitive tou'h 'ombines love and intuition. Love *rovides the ener)y! and intuition )ives us the no2led)e o3 ho2 to best dire't our ener)y to soothe and )ive *leasure. With our intuition! 2e 'an sense other *eo*le/s need 3or tou'h. 13 2e *ay attention! 2e 2ill noti'e 2hen *eo*le have ba'a'hes! 2hen they are in need o3 en'oura)ement and su**ort! or 2hen they 5ust 2ant to be tou'hed! or not. 9his intuitive a2areness! 'ombined 2ith a lovin) ener)y! is the basis 3or the lovin) tou'h.
C**ortunities to tou'h 2ill *resent themselves i3 you are seein) them. Peo*le 2ill 'om*lain o3 heada'hes! *ain in the ba'! sore 3eet! tired hands! all o3 2hi'h 'an be soothed 2ith tou'h. 9here is! o3 'ourse! the initial tou'h o3 the handshae. Beyond that! it is *ossible to tou'h *eo*le 2hile s*eain) to them! 2hile tain) 2als! 2hile )oin) *ast them in 'lose 8uarters! and 2hen biddin) them )oodbye. Brushin) someone/s hair 'an hel* a heada'he; holdin) and massa)in) someone/s hand 'an relieve their tension.
All sorts o3 *ossibilities 3or tou'h are available and should be 'onsidered by a man 2ho 2ants to be'ome more lovin). 9he essential tas! ho2ever! is to tou'h re)ardless o3 any se6ual 'onsideration%%to tou'h 2ithout e6*e'tin) se6uality to be'ome an as*e't o3 the tou'hin). 9hat 2ill mean that 2e 2ill tou'h 2ithout dis'rimination; 2e 2ill tou'h those 2e are attra'ted to as mu'h as those 2e do not 3ind se6ually attra'tive.
Cne very )ood 2ay o3 be'omin) a'8uainted 2ith the 2ay in 2hi'h our hands 'an im*art *leasure is to learn massa)e. Any man 2ho 2ants to be'ome more lovin) 'an tae a massa)e 'ourse and 3ind o**ortunities to *ra'ti'e on *eo*le he is 'lose to. C33er to )ive a head! ne'! ba'! or 3oot rub. A 3riend may have been 'ryin)! or may have been hammerin) nails all day; another may have sat all day at a des or *layed a hard ball )ame. 1n any one o3 these situations! it is *ossible to o33er a rub as a 2ay to sho2 our a**re'iation and to *ra'ti'e lovin) others.
So! e6er'ise three is love me beyond 2ords Oand 1/ll believe everythin) you sayP. De6t time you have an o**ortunity to )ive someone a33e'tion! *ay attention to your tone o3 voi'e! your *osture! your attitude! ho2 your 3eelin)s are transmitted throu)h your 3a'e and! in *arti'ular! your eyes. 4se your hands 2ith *eo*le you no2 2ell; then e6*eriment 2ith the use o3 your hands 2ith *eo*le you are not 2ell a'8uainted 2ith.
9hese are some o3 the thin)s 2omen 2ant%%don/t treat me lie a hun o3 meat! tal to me s2eetly! but love me beyond 2ords. But love o3 2omen )oes beyond some o3 these im*ortant mani3estations o3 a33e'tion. 13 there is to be *ea'e bet2een the se6es! 2e need to deal 2ith mu'h more! as 2e shall see in the 3ollo2in) 'ha*ter.
ha!ter *" Ma%in+ ,eace -et$een the Sexes
Sin)le men o3ten see themselves as hunted animals! 'overtly 'hased a3ter by 2omen 2ho lon) 3or the emotional se'urity o3 marria)e! 2ho seem to vie2 a husband as a ind o3 se'urity blanet. ?ven a youn) man 2ho is in love 2ill o3ten be alienated by his beloved/s a**arent ea)erness to lose her 3reedom. <e 'an/t relate to her seemin)ly 3earless enthusiasm 3or 'ommitment; he be)ins to sus*e't it must be some sort o3 tra*. 9hus men lar)ely have a 3ear3ul! elusive attitude to2ard 2omen.
Cn the other hand! men see 2omen as havin) somethin) they 2ant& love! 2armth! se6%%2hi'h they see they see 2omen usin) to tantali;e them! and 2hi'h 2omen are not al2ays 2illin) to share. @iven the 'onstantly ra)in) . 2ar o3 the se6es! . it is sometimes di33i'ult 3or men to see 2omen as *eo*le they 'an love. 9hou)h a man may be attra'ted to a s*e'i3i' 2oman and *ursue her 2ith the *ur*ose o3 . main) love! . men o3ten are simultaneously miso)ynists O2oman hatersP! as eviden'ed by the hi)h in'iden'e o3 abuse! batterin)! and ra*e that 2omen su33er at the hands o3 men.
C3ten! men believe they have reason to 3ear and be an)ry at 2omen be'ause o3 s*e'i3i' *ast e6*erien'es in their lives. 9he 3ollore is re*lete 2ith ima)es o3 2omen 2ho hurt men! 2ho betray them! breain) their hearts! and humiliate them se6ually. Men 3eel they are o3ten treated unindly by 2omen. Women re5e't them or 'lin) to them! use them! and mae unreasonable demands. Many men rarely )et satis3a'tion 3rom 2omen! and 2hen they do! the satis3a'tion seldom lasts and o3ten has many . strin)s . atta'hed. Above all! men o3ten 3eel terrori;ed by 2omen/s emotions! 2hi'h they don/t understand and 'an/t seem to 'ontrol.
Dothin) 2ill be )ained by denyin) that 2omen deserve an)er 3rom men. Women/s role in the *ast re8uired them to be *assive! to )et 3rom men 2hat they needed throu)h devious means! and indeed! there are 2omen 2ho 2ill do anythin) to mae a man tae 'are o3 them. Women! too! have been an)ry! o3ten very an)ry! and have taen *leasure in humiliatin) men! main) them 'ra2l and be) 3or 2hat they 2ant. 9o men 2ho are seein) a *artner to share their lives! su'h 2omen are the sour'e o3 le)itimate 3ear and an)er. 9he title o3 this boo! When a Man Loves a Woman is based on a son) that states that *oint 'learly& When a man loves a 2oman! Per'y Sled)e 2rites! . he/ll s*end his last dime! )ive u* all o3 his 'om3orts! slee* out in the rain! turn his ba' on his best 3riend 5ust tryin) to hold on to her *re'ious love.
. 1/ll never 3or)et 2hat my 3ather on'e said to me! . a man remembers. . <e 2as talin) about 2omen! and he said& IBour avera)e 2oman sits on her butt 2aitin) 3or a man to 'ome alon)! and 2hen one )ets 'lose enou)h she rea'hes u*! )rabs his balls! and han)s on 3or the rest o3 his li3e./ 9hat nasty little 'omment has stu' 2ith me all o3 these years. 1 don/t trust 2omen to be sel3%su33i'ient. .
9he stran)e 'ontradi'tion in men/s lives%%their miso)ynous 3ear o3 2omen on the one hand! and their 'onstant *ursuit o3 2omen on the other%%mi)ht seem irre'on'ilable. But it isn/t i3 one reali;es that men/s an)er at 2omen 'omes 3rom the 3rustration 'aused by the 'ontinual 3ailure to )et 2hat they des*erately need%% emotional nourishment. 1n other 2ords! men need 2omen be'ause 2e don/t no2 ho2 to love ourselves or others. We need 2omen to 3ul3ill our dee* hun)er 3or love! and be'ause o3 our )eneti' drive to 'o*ulate 2e in'orre'tly assume that our lon)in) 3or love is best 3ul3illed throu)h se6. And 2hen 2e don/t su''eed in stillin) this hun)er! 2e blame 2omen and are an)ry at them.
!o"e o# Women. Most 2omen today understand the value o3 asin) 3or their ri)hts and standin) u* 3or and lovin) themselves. But 2hy should men 5oin 2omen in their stru))le 3or sel3%res*e't= Why should they )ive u* their *rivile)e%% as the head o3 the household! havin) the 3irst and last 2ord! bein) able to sit at the head o3 the table 2hile someone else does the dishes! havin) the ri)ht to tae the lead in relationshi*s! bein) in 'ontrol= What 2ould be le3t= What 2ould men )et in return= Would they 3ind themselves in3erior to 2omen 2ith all their ne2%3ound ener)ies and ambition! their 2ondrous se6uality! their 'hild%bearin) 'a*a'ities! and their ma)i'al! emotional *o2ers=
1n her boo Sex for Women! Carmen Nerr de3ines 3eminism as . love o3 2omen. . Peo*le/s rea'tions to this de3inition vary. 0or me it 2as a bulls%eye; yet many *eo*le initially rea't to it 2ith dislie and disa)reement. Some mistrust it be'ause it is too sim*le; others inter*ret . love o3 2omen . to mean lesbianism or sim*ly se6 2ith 2omen. Bet! 2hen )iven some thou)ht the de3inition taes on meanin) and validity. Love o3 2omen does not ne'essarily im*ly se6uality! nor does it e6'lude it. Love here re3ers to the 2hole ran)e o3 *ositive emotions bet2een *eo*le! 3rom 3ondness to *assionate se6uality.
<o2ever else the 2omen/s movement may be de3ined! love o3 2omen must be an im*ortant as*e't o3 it. 13 2omen 2ere loved as they deserve! they 2ould be treated e8uitably at 2or. 13 2omen 2ere loved! there 2ould be no 8uestions as to their ri)hts to 'hoose to have a 'hild or not to have it 2hen *re)nant! or to have a 'hild 2hether they be sin)le! married! or livin) 2ith another *erson! man or 2oman. Love o3 2omen also re8uires that 2e a''ount 3or! and be tolerant o3! their 'y'li'al! hormonal 'han)es and the 2ay those 'han)es a33e't them%%their moods and their stamina.
When 2omen are an)ry! love o3 2omen re8uires that their an)er be )iven room 3or 3ull e6*ression. When 2omen 2ithdra2 their love or se6uality! love o3 2omen re8uires that their 2orld vie2 be )iven 'onsideration. Love o3 2omen 2ould re8uire )reat 'on'ern and a'tive 2or to reverse the 3emini;ation o3 *overty! that devastatin) *ro'ess that is *ushin) 2omen and 'hildren to the very bottom o3 the e'onomi' hea*. Love o3 2omen means 'on'ern 3or the 'hild%related issues that a33e't them& 'hild'are! e8ual *ay! *re% and *ost%natal medi'al 'are and *ediatri' servi'es 3ree or at )reatly redu'ed *ri'es 2hen needed. And 3inally! 2hen 2omen! as they )ain *o2er! 3all into the same errors o3 2hi'h they have been the vi'tims! love o3 2omen re8uires that they be 'riti'i;ed evenhandedly! 2ithout 'ondes'ension or sel3%ri)hteous an)er! that they be )iven the same allo2an'es 3or error 2e )ive men.
Love o3 2omen as a )rou*! 2hether they be old or youn)! thin or 3at! tall or short! re)ardless o3 their beauty! is the o**osite o3 miso)yny%%the sus*i'ion! dislie! 3ear! and la' o3 em*athy 3or 2omen that so a33li't many men. <atred o3 men! on the other hand! is 2idely asso'iated 2ith 3eminism. While this is in'orre't! many o3 us have been e6*osed to 2omen Oand menP 2ho 'all themselves 3eminists and hate men. 9he love o3 2omen is not served by 'ontem*t or hatred o3 men! althou)h it re8uires that su'h 3eelin)s be allo2ed e6*ression and a'no2led)ment 2hen they e6ist.
Cn the other hand! the a2e o3 2omen! 2hi'h a33li'ted some early male 3eminists! is also ina**ro*riate love sin'e su'h e6treme adoration 'an only lead to disa**ointment and eventual an)er. Both 2omen and men are human! sub5e't to error and im*rovement. Both men and 2omen are 'a*able o3 bein) 'ruel and abusive. As 2omen )et *o2er! it/s be'omin) 'lear that they 'an be thou)htless and 'ruel! 5ust lie men. But love o3 2omen also re8uires that *eo*le re'o)ni;e one vital 3a't& Women have been treated badly and 'ontinue to be treated badly in 'om*arison to men. 9rue! both men and 2omen have su33ered! but 2omen have had all the su33erin) that has been meted out to men *lus! they/ve su33ered be'ause they are 2omen%%su33erin) that remains )enerally un'han)ed throu)hout the 2orld! e6'e*t o''asionally in a 3e2 *la'es lie middle and u**er% 'lass Dorth Ameri'a.
Without understandin) the histori'al 3a't o3 2omen/s o**ression and ho2 2omen have learned to rea't to *o2er abuse! it/s not *ossible to a**re'iate 2omen/s 'ondition and res*ond to it lovin)ly. Without no2led)e o3 2omen/s and men/s histories as se*arate *eo*le! the mysteries o3 the love Oand hateP bet2een them 'annot ever be 3ully understood! and the 2ar bet2een the se6es 2ill 'ontinue unabated.
So 2hy! let us as a)ain! should men embra'e the love o3 2omen= 9he ans2er is that be'ause in doin) so 2e/ll be handed ba' our hearts. Be'ause in learnin) to love 2omen! 2e 2ill re'laim our lovin) 'a*a'ities. Be'ause i3 2e learn to love 2omen! 2e 2ill learn to love ourselves! and ea'h other. 1n the short run! as men learn the love o3 2omen! they/ll e6*erien'e love by 2omen in return. ?very 3eminist ste* that a man taes is liely to brin) about some re'o)nition and a**re'iation 3rom the 2omen around him. As he learns emotional litera'y! he 2ill rea* the *leasures o3 im*roved understandin) and 'ommuni'ation bet2een himsel3 and the 2omen Oand menP in his li3e. As he honors and e6*resses his o2n 3eelin)s! he 2ill 3ind 2idenin) a''e*tan'e and 'om3ort. <e 2ill )radually learn 2hat love is really all about. <e 2ill 2ear his heart on his sleeve! and he 2ill dis'over the 2ell%bein) and 5oy love 'an brin).
Love o3 2omen 2ill also! by o*enin) our hearts! mae us more o*en and available to other men and their 3riendshi*. A33e'tion bet2een men 2ill be more 'ommon*la'e and 2ill not have to 2ait 3or its traditional 3orms o3 e6*ression in the battle3ield! in the s*orts arena! or 2hen 2e )et drun to)ether. Men 2ill be able to love ea'h other as they love their 2omen 3riends! thereby be'omin) more se'ure about ea'h other/s a33e'tions.
And i3 this is not enou)h! in the lon) run! love o3 2omen 'an e6tend our li3e%s*an. By stimulatin) 2omen/s inde*enden'e and sel3%su33i'ien'y 3eminism has the *otential to relieve us o3 the burden o3 our traditional role as bread2inner! bearer o3 sole 3inan'ial res*onsibility 3or the 3amily. 9here are no2 o*tions to the old tradition o3 2orin) onesel3 into an early )rave to *rovide 3or 2i3e and 'hildren and 3inan'e the 'hildren/s edu'ation.
0eminism 2ill soothin) our hearts as 2omen re'i*ro'ate our love 3or them! and as 2e be'ome )ood men! by brin)in) us the love o3 our 'hildren and the res*e't o3 our 'o%2orers! those 2hom 2e 2or 3or! and those 2ho 2or 3or us. As love o3 2omen in'reases its s'o*e a'ross the land and the 2orld! it 2ill *romote 2omen into *la'es o3 *o2er%%2omen 2ho are not 5ust 3emale re*li'as o3 heartless men! but 2omen 2hose 'a*a'ity to 3eel and understand emotions 2ill humani;e business! *oliti's! reli)ion! and all as*e'ts o3 human li3e. With 2omen *arti'i*atin) in the ma5or de'isions that a33e't *eo*le%%2ith 2omen holdin) u* hal3 the sy%%rationality 2ill be tem*ered 2ith 3eelin)! and that 'annot but bene3it us all.
9he issue o3 men/s love 3or 2omen )oes to the 'ore o3 the 3inal se'tion o3 this boo. Love o3 2omen is both an out'ome and a re8uisite 3or emotional develo*ment! be'ause in learnin) emotional litera'y 2e are establishin) a lovin) relationshi* 2ith! rather than re5e'tin)! the ne)le'ted *art o3 ourselves! our 3eelin)s. 9he ability to nurture! to be tender and lovin)! the ability! in short! to 3eelL!M has been 2omen/s realm. Do2 2omen are asin) men to be *artners 2ith them in both the burdens and bene3its o3 emotional aliveness. Let us! there3ore! embra'e the tas o3 re'laimin) and 3ully o2nin) our 3eelin)s! and o3 learnin) emotional litera'y.
ha!ter ." /eelin+s'
Women! 2hether youn) or old! Dorth Ameri'an! Latin Ameri'an! or ?uro*ean! 2hether 2orin) 'lass! leisure 'lass! or *oor! 2hether 2omen o3 'olor or 2hite%% 2hen ased 2hat they 2ant 3rom men! 'on'entrate on a similar theme. . Let )o! )ive u* 'ontrol. . . @ive o3 yoursel3. . . Listen to me! and tell me 2hat/s )oin) on 2ith you . . 9ell me i3 you love me! or i3 you hate me. . . :ela6! 3ind the so3t *art o3 you. . . What 1 3eel 'ounts; 1 2ant you to 'are about it. . . 1 2ant to no2 ho2 you 3eel. .
At 3irst! these ans2ers a**ear to be ty*i'al o3 the va)ue 2ay in 2hi'h 2omen tal to men 2hen they 2ant somethin) they/re not )ettin). But in looin) over these res*onses! 1 be)an to see a *attern. . @ive! o*en u*! 3eel! tell me! listen! be yoursel3 . ; the 'ommon thread that 1 dete'ted in all these ans2ers 2as that 2omen 2ant men to be'ome more 'ons'ious o3 ho2 they 3eel and ho2 2omen 3eel. And 2omen 2ant men to be)in a'tin) u*on 3eelin)s more than they do. .
0eelin)s= . 2e are a*t to res*ond. . What do you mean by 3eelin)s= . We are o3ten truly *u;;led by su'h a re8uest. Men/s rea'tion is an honest e6*ression o3 a**rehension! *u;;lement! and 'on'ern. 9he 3a't that our res*onse is o3ten tin)ed 2ith de3ensiveness is understandable! sin'e 2e re'o)ni;e the im*ortan'e o3 the 8uestion and our *roblem ans2erin) it. 0eelin)s= 9o men the very 2ord 'an brin) on a *ani' atta'! sin'e *ast e6*erien'e o3ten indi'ates there may be a dee*! mysterious! *erha*s 'on)enital! de3e't here. 1t/s not unlie a *erson 2ho suddenly 3inds himsel3 on a hi)h dive *lat3orm bein) en'oura)ed to 5um*. . What do 1 do= . a man )as*s to himsel3! ho*in) somebody out there 'an e6*lain 2hat this 3eelin) thin) is all about! ho2 it 3un'tions! and ho2 to do it 2ithout a *ain3ul belly 3lo* and subse8uent dro2nin). C3ten this *ani' is 'om*ounded 2ith resentment. . What no2= . he )rumbles. . 0irst! she 2anted to )et married! so 1 did. 9hen she 8uit her 5ob! so no2 1 2or 2eeends. De6t she )ot *re)nant! so 2e sto**ed havin) se6. . By this time he is sore. . Do2 she 2ants 3eelin)s= What ne6t= . 0or many men the 8uestion still remains! . What do 2omen mean 2hen they say they 2ant 3eelin)s= .
9o mae matters 2orse 2omen aren/t al2ays )ood at e6*lainin) men/s de3i'ien'y& . Bou no2 *er3e'tly 2ell 2hat 1 meanK Hust ans2er the 8uestion! J>o you love me=/ . Su'h e6*ressions o3 an)er! thou)h no doubted 5usti3iable! are not hel*3ul 2hen she 'an not 'lari3y 2hat it is she 2ants him to do di33erently. 1t is e8ually un*rodu'tive 2hen a 2oman%%)ivin) 2ay to hurt and disa**ointment%% breas do2n and 'ries! and! 2hen he rea'hes out in an amorous 2ay%% she *ushes him a2ay s'ree'hin)& . >on/t tou'h meK All you thin about is se6K . She may be ri)ht! sin'e o3ten a 2oman in distress seems to stimulate an un2anted male hormonal *rote'tive res*onse. But this ty*e o3 outburst leaves him none the 2iser about 2hat is u*settin) her.
Bet is should not sur*rise us that both men and 2omen stumble and blunder 2hen it 'omes to dis'ussin) emotions. Deither have been tau)ht to s*ea 3luently about 3eelin)s. 0eelin)s have not been 2idely dis'ussed or 'ons'iously tau)ht until re'ently in the late 1990As 2hen >aniel @oleman introdu'ed the 'on'e*t o3 ?U Oemotional intelli)en'eP into the *o*ular mind 2ith his boo Emotional Intelligence. 9he emotional intelli)en'e movement has had dramati' re*er'ussions and has no doubt advan'ed emotional a2areness the 2orld over. 1t is bein) tau)ht in s'hools do *ositive results es*e'ially in 'urbin) violen'e and it is bein) tau)ht in the 'or*orate 2orld and main) a di33eren'e there as 2ell.
Bet the most si)ni3i'ant lessons in emotional litera'y are tau)ht to 'hildren in the 3amily by 2omen 2ho *ass do2n to their dau)hters 'ertain rudimentary .ho2% to/s. o3 emotional li3e. 9hus most 2omen are more 'onversant in emotional matters than most men! but both )rou*s have mu'h to learn. Some 3amilies and 'ultures allo2 boys more o*tions than others! but the vast ma5ority o3 males are raised 2ithin a system o3 attitudes that trains them to be in 'ontrol o3 themselves and others. Cut o3 the rainbo2 o3 emotional hues and intensities! men are traditionally allo2ed to e6*ress only 3eelin)s o3 an)er Oi3 it/s ri)hteousP! )uilt Oi3 it/s the result o3 irres*onsibilityP! and o''asionally! love Oi3 it/s ne2 or unre8uitedP. 9he subtler e6*ressions o3 an)er! love! )uilt! or other ne)ative emotions su'h as shame! 3ear and sadness or even *ositive emotions lie 5oy! or ho*e are not en'oura)ed e6'e*t *erha*s at s*orts events. Males are usually not )iven en'oura)ement to have su'h 3eelin)s nor to tal about them i3 they do. 9his 'reates the emotional )a* that se*arates men 3rom 2omen.
Women 'ry out 3or more 3eelin)s 3rom men! 2ho do not no2 ho2 to res*ond! even i3 2illin). Mean2hile! 2omen don/t no2 ho2 to tea'h men or even ade8uately e6*lain 2hat they 2ant. Women may be more emotionally literate than men! but both men and 2omen have mu'h to learn. 9he hottest 'ontroversy bet2een the se6es by 3ar ra)es over t2o ma5or areas o3 emotion%%love! se6! love and se6! love or se6. Women seem to be sayin) . more love . and Oit a**ears to menP . less se6. . Men seem to be sayin) . more se6 . and Oit a**ears to 2omenP . less love. . 1deally! everyone 2ants both! but is )ettin) *re'ious little o3 either. Millions o3 2ords in son)s! boos! ma)a;ines! arti'les! and 'hur'h sermons have been 2ritten about this issue; here is my o2n *oint o3 vie2.
Sex$ality. Se6uality is a *o2er3ul! assertive emotion. Se6ual 3eelin)s are most stron)ly 3elt in the )enitals! but se6uality 'an be 3elt more subtly over the entire body. .1t 3eels lie 1 have bubbly 'ham*a)ne in my le)s and arms. . . When 1 am issin)! 1 3eel mysel3 s2oon! as i3 3ire 2ere rushin) throu)h my veins. . . Sometimes it 3eels lie 1 am lyin) in a very s2i3t stream and the 2ater is 3lo2in) throu)h me. . . 1t 3eels lie lyin) in the hot sun on a 'ool s*rin) day. . . 1t is intense! shain) *leasure! sometimes unbearably so..
<o2ever se6uality is 3elt! there is o3ten an intense sense o3 ur)en'y about it. A3ter all! a ma5or 3un'tion o3 se6uality is *ro'reation. Were it not so vital to us! 2e mi)ht be e6tin't by no2. Se6uality is *art o3 a drive! an instin'tive and sometimes over2helmin) im*erative! 2hi'h! i3 not satis3ied! 'an be'ome an obsession invadin) all o3 our 2ain) Oand dreamin)P li3e. When se6ual ener)y doesn/t 3ind )enital e6*ression! it 2ill 3ind some other outlet! as 0reud dis'overed. Se6uality is ines'a*able and 2ill not be denied; it 2ill *ro*el human bein)s one 2ay or another. 13 it isn/t e6*ressed throu)h )enital a'tivity and or)asm! se6ual ener)y 'an travel throu)h unseen *sy'hi' 'hannels to sur3a'e! eventually! in the 3orm o3 a))ression. 1t 'an 3uel intelle'tual or athleti' *ursuit. 1t 'an 'reate *araly;in) sym*toms. <o2ever se6uality eventually 3inds e6*ression! it 2ill have its day.
Se6uality trans3orms *eo*le. 1t/s able to turn stable and *redi'table situations on their head. 1t is the stimulus 3or mi6in) *eo*le 2ho mi)ht never 3ind ea'h other 2ere it not 3or se6ual *ro*ulsion. Se6uality breas throu)h 'lass! ra'e! a)e! and 'olor barriers. Se6uality is lie the ladle in the sou* o3 human li3e. 9here is nothin) that stirs the *ot 8uite lie this revolutionary 3or'e rivaled only by violen'e in its 'a*a'ity to attra't or re*el *eo*le. 9he 3a't that it is an ine6haustible! billion dollar industry 'aterin) almost e6'lusively to men attests to its *o2er and im*ortan'e 2hen the relationshi*s bet2een men and 2omen are e6amined.
Se6uality 'an be 'onstru'tive! as in the attra'tion that men and 2omen 'an 3eel 3or ea'h other. 9hen it is a rene2in)! re'reatin) li3e 3or'e. Cr it 'an be destru'tive! as 2hen it be'omes an obsession dis*la'in) all other interests. We are a2are that emotions lie an)er! 3ear! and se6uality are intimately asso'iated 2ith bodily 3un'tions. 9his is true o3 all emotions! 2hi'h are set a*art 3rom thou)hts by this very 3a't. Stron) emotions 'an *rodu'e *hysi'al sym*toms su'h as dry mouth! dilated or 'onstri'ted *u*ils! tears! )oose bum*s! heart *al*itations! or tremblin). Se6uality! in *arti'ular! has stron) bodily mani3estations. @iven 3ull e6*ression! se6uality is 2et. Se6uality is 3luid; blood! s2eat! tears! s*it! seminal 3luids! va)inal se'retions and menstrual 3lo2 are *art and *ar'el o3 the se6ual e6*erien'e. Some *eo*le e6*erien'e this as messy or even dis)ustin) and are re*ulsed by se6uality in its 3ull e6*ression. 1n addition! *eo*le are o3ten both attra'ted and re*ulsed by se6uality be'ause it/s a 3orm o3 ener)y that radiates 3rom *eo*le in *er'e*tible mani3estations. A *erson 2ho is 'har)ed 2ith se6uality 2ill be *al*ably ener)i;ed. Anyone in his or her vi'inity 2ill 3eel the . vibes . and be either attra'ted or re*elled! a''ordin) to their o2n orientation. 0or those 3avorably in'lined to another/s se6ual ener)y! the e6*erien'e 2ill be *ositive! even a . turn on. . 0or those not so im*ressed! it 2ill be un'om3ortable! even nauseatin).
?ri' Berne in his boo Sex an Human Loving said that on reason 3or se6/s e33e't on us is that . se6 is 2et. . 9he 3luidity o3 se6 is not only in its moisture; se6ual motions are li8uid. Cr)asms are lie 2aves; se6 is lie a stream! lie a bottomless o'ean; se6ual ener)y 2ashes over us. 9he li8uid nature o3 se6uality has to be e*t in mind to understand it. Se6uality is an emotion 2hi'h! lie the 2ater that maes u* 90 *er'ent o3 our bodies! *ermeates our bein). When 2e attem*t to redu'e it to a mere 3un'tion bet2een )enitals or a *lain *ro'reative a't! 2e lose si)ht o3 ho2 all%en'om*assin) it is. When 2e lose a2areness o3 our se6uality! 2e live at the mer'y o3 its va)aries; 2e are de3eated by it 2hen 2e 'ould be ener)i;ed! *ro*elled! deli)hted! and ins*ired.
Be'ause se6uality is su'h a *o2er3ul emotion! there is an e8ually *o2er3ul! 'ulture%2ide attem*t to 'ontrol and 'urb it. Peo*le attem*t to de3use se6uality by saniti;in)! deodori;in)! 'ivili;in)! and redu'in) it to a *rodu't to be sold at dru) store 'ounters ri)ht alon) 2ith 'ondoms! 'ontra'e*tive 5ellies! and *orno ma)a;ines. Another ma5or method o3 'ontrol is throu)h emotions lie )uilt and 3ear! o3ten stron)ly asso'iated 2ith se6uality and its e6*ression. Se6uality on one hand and )uilt and 3ear on the other intensely o**ose ea'h other in a *araly;in) 'on3rontation. 4nder their o**osin) in3luen'e! *eo*le 3ree;e and dry u*! se6ually. But be'ause se6uality is su'h a stron) 3eelin)! it breas throu)h the su**ression to 2hi'h many men sub5e't their emotions. Conse8uently! men are 2ell a'8uainted 2ith it. Startin) in adoles'en'e! 2hen it seems to suddenly burst 3orth! se6uality is the 3eelin) 2e are most a2are o3; it is the emotion that most 3or'e3ully im*oses itsel3 on us and demands to be handled. 1t usually remains so 3or the rest o3 our days! even 2hen it seems to have tem*orarily disa**eared 3rom our lives and 3or all intents and *ur*oses no lon)er a33e'ts us Oor so 2e thinP. 9his is 2hy men 2ho may be out o3 tou'h 2ith most o3 their other emotions 'an none the less be a'utely a2are o3 their se6ual desires.
%eing & 'n !o"e . Dearly e8ual to se6uality in its intensity and! there3ore! in its 'a*a'ity to brea throu)h male relu'tan'e to 3eel! is the state o3 bein) . in love. . Bein) in love and sim*ly lovin) are t2o di33erent emotional e6*erien'es. 9he 3ormer is mu'h more *o2er3ul than the latter! yet both are de3initely related. Bein) in love is a 'ondition o3 altered 'ons'iousness! based *robably on a hormonal 'han)e o3 body 'hemistry that is sou)ht a3ter 3or its beauty! and 3eared 3or its *otential to hurt us. Ain to a *rotra'ted dru) e6*erien'e! it has been dia)nosed by 'yni'al observers o3 the human 'ondition as a state o3 tem*orary insanity. When in love! one/s bein) resides 2ithin the lovin) e6*erien'e; one is both blind and all%seein)! and the lovin) 3eelin) 'olors everythin) 2ith its )lo2.
When in love! a man/s *er'e*tion o3 his loved one is hei)htened and distorted as in a stran)e but 2onder3ul dream. We tra' her as she moves around the universe! and our heart si*s a beat 2hen she dro*s ba' into vie2. <er *resen'e sends streamin) ele'tri'ity throu)h us! 'onver)in) on our heart and s2ellin) it 2ith 3eelin). We are 'onstantly stru' by this or that 3lash o3 loveliness! )litterin) lie the 3a'ets o3 a diamond. Bein) in love is madness! a ma)ni3yin) )lass! a aleidos'o*e! a 'old sho2er! a *ier'in) arro2! a *lun)e 3rom a hi)h ro' into a dee* river! soarin) throu)h the air 2ith eyes 'losed. Bein) in love is! in all *robability! a state in 2hi'h love and se6uality are 'ommin)led in one *o2er3ul e6*erien'e that literally blo2s *eo*le/s minds.
1t is 2hen 2e are in love that .se6ual 'hemistry. is o3ten most obvious. Cur insides melt; 2e see stran)e li)hts and auras; the other/s smells are utterly deli'ious%%mus! *ine needles! oran)es! 3resh 'ut stra2. Peo*le 2ho are in love are aliens amon) ordinary *eo*le! alternately 2onder3ul and irritatin) in their e'stati' behavior. Cne 'an only 2ait *atiently until the inevitable return 3rom *aradise brin)s them ba' to their senses. When the lovers 3inally return%%usually bet2een si6 months and t2o years later%%they 2ill! ho*e3ully! love ea'h other. But o3ten they don/t! 2hi'h seems to sho2 that bein) in love is not 5ust an intense 'ase o3 lovin). C3ten *eo*le 2ho 2ere re'ently in love don/t seem to love ea'h other at all but rather dislie ea'h other! sometimes a lot. All o3 2hi'h seems to 'on3irm the theory that *eo*le in love are tem*orarily out o3 their minds.
Should 2e avoid .3allin) in love. be'ause o3 its obvious *it3alls= 1t seems many *eo*le do%%men! more o3ten than not. We 3ear the radi'al loss o3 'ontrol! the vulnerability! the 2ay in 2hi'h it interru*ts our assi)ned tass. Bet no man/s emotional li3e is 'om*lete until he has 3allen dee*ly in love and! some 2ould ar)ue! until he has had his heart broen. Cnly then 2ill he no2 the lovin) e6*erien'e intimately enou)h to be able to love ade8uately the ne6t time around. 9his is 2hy 2hen a 2oman 2onders 2hether she 'an trust a man/s de'larations o3 love it 'an be )ood advi'e to re'ommend that she 3ind out 2hether he has had his heart broen. 13 he has! and 1 mean truly broen Odee*! endurin) heart a'he 3or at least si6 months and a year or more re'overy a3ter thatP he 'an be trusted to understand 2hat bein) in love is all about.
!o"e. A''ordin) to medi'al s'ien'e! the heart is a mus'le that *um*s blood. But the heart is also the bodily 3o'us o3 love. 9hat the heart has a 'onne'tion 2ith love seems to be )enerally no2n by *oets! and lovers. 9his no2led)e is based on the 3a't that 2e . 3eel . love in our hearts and breasts. But a)ain! as is the 'ase 2ith se6uality%%2here the sour'e is not 5ust the *enis or the 'litoris%%it is the 2hole area o3 the 'hest that is the sour'e o3 love/s ener)y; in 3a't! love 'an be 3elt all over the body.
Contrasted 2ith the *hysi'al! *erha*s bio'hemi'al nature o3 se6ual and .in love. e6*erien'es! *lain! re)ular! lon)%term love *ales by 'om*arison. Bet! su'h love is the most *o2er3ul 3or'e in the 2orld. Love is a sub5e't o3 universal interest and 3as'ination! *robably be'ause everyone 2ants to be loved and most o3 us 3eel that 2e aren/t. Most *eo*le 2ant a re'i*ro'ated! lastin) love 2ith another *erson! and that is di33i'ult to a'hieve. Cne im*ortant reason is that 2e are not tau)ht ho2 to love e6'e*t by e6am*le! and the e6am*les 2e have available aren/t al2ays very )ood. Another reason is that love is *o2er3ul enou)h to 3ri)hten *eo*le! be'ause love is a lon)%term! bindin) ener)y. Cn'e 2e let ourselves love *eo*le! 2e are tied to them! to their needs! to their su33erin)! to their lives and deaths. 9o love others is to a'he 2hen they hurt! to tremble 2hen they are a3raid! to su''umb 2hen they die. 1t is im*ossible to i)nore the hun)er and *ain o3 the ones 2e love! so 2e sometimes 'ut ourselves o33 3rom them lest their *ain and need be'ome ours. 9he 'ommitment that lon)%lastin) love entails 3ri)htens us and )ives us *ause.
Love needs to be distin)uished 3rom se6uality%%es*e'ially by men! 3or 2hom se6 as a 3or'e o3ten over%shado2s or im*ersonates love. While love 2a6es or 2anes slo2ly and steadily! se6ual 3eelin)s 3lu'tuate more 3re8uently and *o2er3ully. We are mu'h more a2are o3 the rise and 3all o3 se6ual 3eelin)s than o3 our 'han)es o3 heart. Most 2omen asso'iate se6uality 2ith love! thou)h they 'an 3eel love 2ithout it bein) 'ombined 2ith se6uality. Men! on the other hand! tend to asso'iate love 2ith se6uality! but 'an 3eel se6uality 2ithout love.
9his is to say that men have *ervasive se6ual 3eelin)s! sometimes asso'iated 2ith 3eelin)s o3 love! 2hereas 2omen have *ervasive lovin) 3eelin)s! sometimes 'ombined 2ith se6. 1n other 2ords! men 'an have se6 2ithout love more easily than 2omen! 2hile 2omen 'an have love 2ithout se6 more easily than men. 9his e6*lains 2omen/s 'ommon 'om*laints 2hen they have se6 2ith a man and 3all in love 2ith him! and he doesn/t return the 3avor. Men need to no2 but not 3eel bad about this%%it/s sim*ly an indi'ation that love and se6 are se*arate and distin't 3eelin)s! that one 'an ha**en 2ithout the other! and that men are di33erent 3rom 2omen.
9he *roblem! 2hen it be'omes a *roblem! is due to the di33eren'es bet2een 2hat men and 2omen 2ant. 13 the rise and 3all o3 se6uality is 'om*ared 2ith the 2aves in the o'ean! then love is the tide. ?a'h 2ave brin)s 2ith it a subtle in'rease or de'rease o3 the tide. ?a'h 2ave 'omes and )oes 2ith an im*ressive roar! but the tide moves slo2ly! im*er'e*tibly. Similarly! our lovin) 3eelin)s 3or *eo*le move slo2ly; it taes time to love someone 3ully! and it taes time to lose the lovin) 3eelin).
Love! lie se6! is 3elt as 3luid! but it is e6*erien'ed more as a li8uid that 3ills! brims over! or is sadly dried u*. When it 3lo2s! it 3lo2s easily! as i3 do2n a )entle hill; it s2irls in the 'hest and 3loods the mind 2ith tender! nurturin) thou)hts. While the se6ual and .in love. 3eelin) 'an develo* overni)ht! the e6*erien'e o3 lovin) someone builds u*on the shared e6*erien'es! u*s and do2ns! deaths! births; the a''umulated si)ni3i'ant moments o3 bein) to)ether over time. Lie2ise it 'an be destroyed throu)h time; eroded a2ay by lar)e and small 'ruelties! misunderstandin)s! and lu'less misha*s that are *art and *ar'el o3 everyday emotional stru))le.
Anger, Shame, and ($ilt Love and se6 aren/t the only 3eelin)s 2e have to deal 2ith. 9he so%'alled ne)ative emotions%%hurt! an)er! shame! )uiltTare emotions that men have even more di33i'ulty admittin) to than se6 and even love. Su'h 3eelin)s as hurt! shame! and an)er are 'ommon*la'e to anyone 2hose love has been abused! 2hether man or 2oman. Men es*e'ially have these emotions 2hen 2omen rebu33 their se6ual advan'es! 2hi'h! as 2e no2! is o3ten.
1n the <ite :e*ort on Male Se6uality! men ans2er the 8uestion . Would you lie to 'han)e se6 in any 2ay= <as se6 been everythin) you 2ant it to be! or do you 2ant it more= . 1 2as very moved by the stron) 3eelin)s that 2ere e6*ressed! 'ertainly the stron)est e6*ressed by men in the 2hole study. 9he men 2ere *laintive! hurt! sel3%de*re'atin)! and an)ry.
. 1 )uess 1 am a *i). . 1 be))ed! *leaded! 'a5oled! but nothin) 2ored. . 1 don/t 'ry anymore! be'ause 1 don/t 'are anymore. . . 1 3it the old Ameri'an stereoty*e! overse6ed and under3u'ed. . . Many 2omen loo u*on se6 as a 'hore to brin) about the e6'retion o3 a little vile snivel 2ith a ind o3 'onvulsion and 'onsiderable 2rithin). . . 1n some 2ay 1 3eel lie 1/m overse6ed and some ind o3 mania' and 1 *ut mysel3 do2n.. .1 3elt totally inade8uate and useless. . 1t is dis)ustin) to resort to masturbation 2hen you are slee*in) 2ith a 2oman every ni)ht. .1 3eel she sometimes uses se6 as a 2ea*on. . Sometimes 1 'ome a'ross as a 2oman hater! 1 3eel 'hained to my se6 drive. 1 3eel 'heated that someone 'an lau)hin)ly say no 2hen 1/m in my )reatest need!E ISometimes! the only 2ay to sto* 3rustration is to say J9he hell 2ith it./ .
Cther revealin) 8uestions 2ere . >o you usually mae the initial se6ual advan'e= <o2 do you 3eel about it= <o2 do you 3eel i3 the other *erson does not 2ant to have se6 2ith you= . 9he ans2ers a)ain 2ere 3ull o3 hurt and sel3% de*re'ation&
I 1 3eel 8uite hurt! my sel3%esteem is lo2ered 'onsiderably.. .1 )et an)ry.. .1 3eel re5e'ted!. .1 hate main) se6ual advan'es. 1t maes me 3eel vul)ar and 'rude.. . 1 usually 3eel lie a 5er.. .13 1/m re5e'ted! 1 3eel lie a total 3ool. 1 3eel lie a*olo)i;in) to the 2oman and slinin) o33 to a 'orner lie the le'herous s'um she must thin 1 am.. . 1 hate itKKK . . 1 3eel embarrassed! an)ry !hurt..
Clearly! 2e have a serious! 2ides*read *roblem here. Men 2ant more se6 and 2omen 2ant more 3eelin). But i3 men 2ere to say ho2 they 3eel! they 2ould liely be 3urious! hurt! sel3%3la)ellatin). 9his *ervasive hurt and an)er are! in my o*inion! the emotional sour'e o3 ra*e and other violen'e a)ainst 2omen. When a man 3eels de*rived 2hether by 2omen or by li3e in )eneral! he may de'ide in a miso)ynist ra)e to tae reven)e on a member o3 the . o**osite se6..
Surely hurt and an)er are not the emotions that 2omen 2ant to hear 3rom men. When 2omen say that 2ant men to share their 3eelin)s! these bitter! *otentially hate3ul 3eelin)s are surely not 2hat they have in mind. 9he 3eelin)s they lon) 3or are 3eelin)s o3 love! tenderness! a33e'tion. Do 2onder men and 2omen thro2 their hands u* in des*airK
But all is not lost. 0or i3 you read else2here! a)ain in The Hite Report on Male Sexuality! you/ll 3ind that 2hen ased! .Why do you lie inter'ourse=. only three *er'ent o3 the men mentioned or)asm at all. Dor did men o3ten mention the *leasurable 3eelin) o3 the va)ina on the *enis as the main reason . Most o3 the men 2ho ans2ered )ave *hysi'al 'loseness and overall body 'onta't%%3ull% len)th embra'in)%%as the most im*ortant *hysi'al element o3 their liin) inter'ourse! . 2hile . the *sy'holo)i'alVemotional reason most men )ave 3or liin) and 2antin) inter'ourse 2as the 3eelin) o3 bein) love an accepte Litali's mineM that inter'ourse )ave them. .
.1 love the 'loseness that inter'ourse brin)s.. .9o lie u*on her and 3eel her body a)ainst mine 2ith the 2armth o3 her and the 3eelin) o3 her so3t belly a)ainst mine; 1 3eel an a'he 3or her 5ust thinin) about it.. .9he bein) 'lose to another is more im*ortant than or)asm.. .1 lie inter'ourse 3or all its human 'onta't.. .1t maes me 3eel valuable.. .1t maes me 3eel 'lean and 2hole! a *art o3 li3e%%not 5ust a 2anderer.. .9he end o3 loneliness. . Nno2in) you are loved! no2in) you 'an love.. .1t/s the *oint at 2hi'h 1 3eel she totally loves me.. .9he 3eelin) o3 someone liin) you enou)h to )ive their body to you.. .With my 'o' dee* inside her 1 3eel totally se'ure and loved.. .1nter'ourse 3eels *sy'holo)i'ally lie a''e*tan'e to me.. .1t tells me she loves me. 1t )ives 'on3iden'e. .1t lets me e6*ress 3eelin)s o3 a33e'tion! 2armth! tenderness and a**re'iation o3 2omenE.
<ite 'on'luded that . men loo 3or2ard to se6 and inter'ourse as *rovidin) an a**ro*riate time and *la'e to be emotional. 9he 3a't that this is almost men/s only time to be emotional and let their hair do2n may a''ount! in some measure! 3or men/s 3eelin) that they rarely )et enou)h se6 and inter'ourse. >ue to our 'ultural u*brin)in)! men yearn 3or the )enital embra'e be'ause 2e 3ind sur'ease! in a 2ay 2e 'annot a'hieve else2here! 3or our dee* lon)in) 3or love.
When men obsessively 'hase a3ter se6! it is be'ause it/s the only e6*erien'e available throu)h 2hi'h our o2n 3eelin)s o3 intima'y and a''e*tan'e are )iven 3ull vent. Little 2onder that 2e *ursue it so relentlessly! and that 2hen 3rustrated 2e 3eel su'h an)er and humiliation. Men! lie 2omen emotionally lon) 3or 'loseness! but biolo)i'ally are driven 3or *enetration. So 'loseness and inter'ourse o3ten be'ome and the same thin).
<avin) said this let no one 2ho reads these 2ords inter*ret them as an a*olo)y 3or men/s o3ten heartless se6%seein) behavior! mu'h less the hostility and violen'e dis)runtled men visit on 2omen 2hen they 3eel rebu33ed. 1t is rather a sym*atheti' arti'ulation o3 our 3eelin)s! 2ith the understandin) that 2hile 2e should not be 'ondemned 3or su'h emotions! 2e do deserve 'ondemnation 2hen 2e a't on them in hurt3ul! abusive 2ays.
Male ($ilt When 2e be'ome a2are o3 the 2ay in 2hi'h our *ursuit o3 se6 a33e'ts 2omen! 2e o3ten res*ond 2ith )uilt. @uilt 2ith res*e't to 2omen is a ma5or emotion in men and su**osedly serves to 'urb our 'heatin)! lyin)! and double%dealin) hearts. 1t is alle)edly a bene3i'ial emotion o3ten en'oura)ed by 2omen as their only levera)e a)ainst men/s lo2ly instin'ts. <o2ever! many 2omen 2e intervie2ed disa)ree&
.Sure! i3 )uilt is the only thin) that 2ill 'ause men to behave de'ently! let them 3eel )uilty. But 2ho 2ants to han) out 2ith a )uy 2ho 3eels )uilty about everythin) he 2ants= . . Sel3%su33i'ient! *o2er3ul 2omen don/t 2ant men to behave lie )ood little boys 5ust be'ause they 3eel )uilty about 2hat they 2ant. 9hey 2ould *re3er that men a'no2led)e 2hat they 2ant! and as 3or it o*enly instead o3 su**ressin) it 2ith )uilt. . . 1 'an/t stand it 2hen men ed)e a little 'loser! and a little 'loser! and snea u* on you! all the time 3eelin) )uilty and *retendin) it/s not ha**enin). 1/d 5ust as soon they/d be overt! 2ithout bein) a))ressive; that 2ay 1 'an mae u* my o2n mind..
When men 3eel )uilty about their desires and su**ress them! they may be a'tin) a''e*tably! but they 2ill also be devious and listless. 1t 2ould be 3ar better i3 a man said! .Listen Ma))ie! 1 2ant to level 2ith you. 1 am turned on to you and 2ant to mae love. 1 3eel )uilty about it! but it/s true. 9ellin) you is embarrassin) and also s'ares me be'ause 1/m a3raid you are )oin) to turn me do2n. 1 don/t 2ant to *ressure or rush you. 1/m *re*ared to a''e*t no 3or an ans2er. 1 5ust 2ant to be u* 3ront! so you no2 ho2 1 3eel! so 2e 'an *ro'eed honestly. .
<e may 3eel )uilty not be'ause he 2ants Ma))ie too mu'h but be'ause he doesn/t 2ant her enou)h or be'ause he is turned on to Ma))ie/s 3riend :ebe''a. <e may 3eel )uilty be'ause he 2ants to *lay 2ith his 'om*uter or )o out 2ith the boys instead o3 talin) a3ter dinner or be'ause he masturbates or is smoin) too mu'h *ot and 'i)arettes or drinin) too mu'h boo;e. Whatever the basis 3or his )uilt Oes*e'ially i3 it is hiddenP it 2ill mae him a dull boy! no 3un to be around! and di33i'ult to 'om*rehend.
@uilt is also a *oor motivator 3or 'han)e! and an even *oorer substitute 3or it. .1/m si' o3 him a*olo)i;in) 2hen he messes u*. <e 3eels real )uilty; he is at the ver)e o3 tears sometimes! and o3 'ourse 1 3or)ive him! 3ool that 1 am.. Another 2oman said! .1 am so hun)ry 3or some 3eelin) 3rom him that 1 )ive in 2hen he 3eels )uilty. 9hen everythin) is su**osedly all ri)ht! and be3ore you no2 it! he does it a)ain.. Contrition a3ter abuse! bin)ein)! irres*onsibility! and other tres*asses is usually an un*rodu'tive emotion. At least 2hen )uilt is 3elt be3ore the a't and *revents it 3rom ha**enin)! it has some value. But a3ter the deed is done! )uilt is a 'hea* and insu33i'ient substitute 3or the 'han)es that are needed.
We should be )ood men be'ause it 2ill bene3it us and the 2omen and 'hildren Oand menP 2e love. 13 3or some reason 2e aren/t )ood! it is 3ar more use3ul to resolve not to re*eat our re*rehensible behavior! 2hatever it is! than to 3eel )uilty. We must be)in by a'no2led)in) 2hat 2e are. Cn'e 2e do this! 2e 'an try to ad5ust to 2hat 2omen 2ant us to be! *rovided they 2ill meet us hal32ay 2ith reasonable ad5ustments o3 their o2n. 9his 'an only be done throu)h o*en! honest! *rin'i*led! 'oo*erative! and emotionally o*en dialo)ue and ne)otiation. 1n that manner the old%3ashioned manV2oman so'ial 'ontra'ts 'an be u*dated and brou)ht in line 2ith the realities o3 modern men and 2omen.
Se6uality! love! hurt! an)er! shame! and )uilt are some o3 the emotions that 2e 3eel and that 2omen 2ant us to be a2are o3! e6*ress! and deal 2ith. 9hey are ri)ht! be'ause only by no2in) 2hat one/s 3eelin)s are and ho2 they do a33e't our behavior 'an 2e be)in to a'no2led)e their in3luen'e on our relationshi*s. 1n 3a't! it 'an be ar)ued that humanind/s *ro)ress de*ends on sensible rein'or*oration o3 the emotions into every situation o3 im*ortan'e! in'ludin) the 3amily! the s'hools! and the hi)her levels o3 )overnment. We have brou)ht the 2orld to the brin throu)h s'ienti3i' and te'hni'al *ursuits in 2hi'h emotion 2as deemed irrelevant. 1t is time no2 to deal 2ith the *o2er and si)ni3i'an'e o3 the emotions.
?motional litera'y is a ma5or sill and a sour'e o3 *o2er 3or human bein)s. 9o no2 *eo*le/s 3eelin)s is to be able to understand and *redi't their behavior more a''urately. 9o no2 ho2 to e6*ress one/s o2n emotions e33e'tively maes us e33e'tive in )ettin) 2hat 2e 2ant. 1n the arena o3 male%3emale relations! 2hen 2omen say that they 2ant 3eelin)s 3rom men! they are re3errin) 'on'retely to men/s 'a*a'ity to love and to say they do and to their 'a*a'ity to a''e*t a 2oman/s love and res*ond to it a**ro*riately. C3 'ourse! it isn/t 5ust lovin) 3eelin)s that interest 2omen ! but it is love that is at the 'enter o3 the emotions 2omen 2ant 3rom men. 9hey also 2ant us to sim*ly let them share our inner lives! to s*ea o*enly about our 3ears! disa**ointments and ho*es. And the *oint! o3 'ourse! is not 5ust to mouth the 2ords as many men have learned to do! but to develo* an ease 2ith one/s emotions that maes it *ossible to 3eel love and to say .1 love you. 2ithout 3ear o3 ridi'ule or re5e'tion. 9his in'ludes the 'a*a'ity to love someone 2ho may not love you; the 'a*a'ity to 'lari3y! 2hen one loves someone! 5ust ho2 mu'h%%2hether 5ust no2 or 3orever%%the 'a*a'ity to say .1 love you. 2ithout automati'ally be'omin) 'ommitted to a li3etime relationshi*! and the 'a*a'ity! 3inally! to say . 1 don/t love you . 2hen that is the 'ase.
Cn'e 2e o*en ourselves u* to lovin) emotions! the other 3eelin)s in the emotional rainbo2 2ill )radually be similarly set 3ree. As 2e loo inside ourselves to 3ind the lovin) 3eelin)s 2e 2ere tau)ht not to e6*ress! 2e 2ill also liely un'over other 3eelin)s su'h as an)er and resentment. We may be dee*ly hurt and have 3eelin)s o3 an)er! sadness! shame buried 2ithin us 3rom the times 2hen a *erson 2e loved did not love us in return. We may 3eel )uilt 2e no lon)er love a *erson 2e loved yesterday. When 2e be)in to e6*ress our lovin) 3eelin)s! the 2hole net2or o3 allied emotions 2ill be'ome a *art o3 our lives; all o3 these 3eelin)s 2ill need to be e6*ressed and dealt 2ith in turn. Without dealin) 2ith these *ain3ul 3eelin)s 2e 2ill not have a''ess to our 5oy3ul 3eelin)s! su'h as the 5oy and e6uberan'e 2hen a *erson 2e love loves us ba'.
Learnin) emotional litera'y is not an overni)ht matter; it taes time and has many lessons to be e6*lored. But the 3irst lesson is learnin) to say . 1 love you . 2hen love is 3elt and to deal 2ith inhibitions! 3ears! and se'ond thou)hts truth3ully and res*onsibly.
Cha*ter G. ?motional Litera'y
9he term litera'y is ordinarily a**lied to the 'a*a'ity to read and 2rite. But it 'an also be a**lied to the no2led)e o3 other matters O'om*uter litera'y! environmental litera'yP in'ludin) emotions. ?motional litera'y! the 'a*a'ity to understand and deal 2ith emotions! is a sill that 2omen value hi)hly 2hen it is *resent in men. An emotionally illiterate man 2ill not no2 his o2n emotions! their intensity and 2hat 'auses them. <e 2ill have no 'ontrol over the e6tent to 2hi'h his emotions e6*ress themselves. <e 2ill not be a2are o3 o3 the e6tent o3 other *eo*le/s 3eelin)s and 2hat 'auses them. And 2hen other *eo*le e6*ress themselves emotionally! he 2ill not no2 2hat to do. <e not be able to 'ommuni'ate his emotions and 2ill not no2 2hat to do 2hen he is over2helmed by them.
An emotionally a2are man 2ill be 'ons'ious o3 e6*erien'in) a variety o3 emotions at a variety o3 intensities. <e 2ill no2 2hat he 3eels and 2hy. 0or instan'e! 2hen he is a3raid! he 2ill no2 2hen he is mildly an6ious or 2hen he is terri3ied! and he 2ill no2 2hy. <e 2ill also no2 ho2 to mae these 3eelin)s 'lear to others! as 2ell as ho2 and 2hen to e6*ress them most *rodu'tively. When dealin) 2ith someone 2ho is not bein) 3orth 'omin) about his or her 3eelin)s! he 2ill no2 ho2 to as the ri)ht 8uestions to ta't3ully )et more in3ormation about 2hat is )oin) on 2ith that *erson! emotionally. <e 2ill no2 the e33e't o3 the 'ombinations o3 his and another *erson/s emotions! and be able to avoid those situations in 2hi'h 3eelin)s es'alate 'atastro*hi'ally.
<e 2ill understand ho2 his emotions are liely to 'ombine 2ith those o3 another *erson. 13 he is 3eelin) *roud o3 some a''om*lishment! he 2ill reali;e ho2 that 3eelin) mi)ht a33e't someone else 2ho has 5ust )otten 3ired and 3a'es 3inan'ial di33i'ulties. <is *res'ien'e about su'h matters 2ill enable him to avoid those situations in 2hi'h 3eelin) 'ombine in a destru'tive 2ay that es'alates into 2orse 3eelin)s. Cn the other hand! he 2ill also no2 ho2 emotions 'an 'ombine bet2een *eo*le in a harmonious and *ositive manner and ho2 to hel* to brin) that about.
9here is a dee* seated resistan'e to be'omin) emotionally literate. A *erson 2ho 'annot read o3ten be'omes a3raid and de3ensive about his in'a*a'ity and 3aes understandin) out o3 embarrassment. 1lliterate *ersons tend to invalidate the im*ortan'e o3 readin) and 2ritin) and o3ten be'ome anti%literate and dis'ount the value o3 the 2ritten 2ord. Peo*le 2ho are illiterate o3ten try to 'om*ensate in other 2ays; they try to live a normal li3e outside o3 the realm o3 letters but they 'annot es'a*e the 3a't that they are unable to understand or 'ommuni'ate throu)h the 2ritten 2ord. Lie2ise! *eo*le 2ho are emotionally illiterate are o3ten embarrassed by their in'a*a'ity and attem*t to 'om*ensate 3or their handi'a* throu)h lo)i'al and rational methods. 9hey dis'ount emotions as bein) meanin)less and useless! but are embarrassed and de3ensive 2hen their in'a*a'ity is revealed. <o2ever! sin'e in the realm o3 emotion! illitera'y is the rule rather than the e6'e*tion! the anti%emotional 'onsensus a'ts as a *o2er3ul rein3or'ement o3 the illiterate 'ondition.
Cne man a3ter some months o3 2or 2ith me! re3le'tin) on his emotional u*brin)in)! said& . 1 remember as a boy bein) *roud o3 a'tin) lie my 3ather and not lie my mother. 1 even imitated ho2 he sat im*assively 2hen my mother hassled him 2ith tears and s'enes. Later! in the servi'e! 1 2as *roud o3 bein) very 'alm! not i'e%'old lie some )uys but 'alm. We all had 'ontem*t 3or )uys 2ho )ot e6'ited or u*set. 1 noti'e! lately! that soldier movies mae a bi) thin) out o3 the ser)eant havin) 3eelin)s. Curs didn/t! 1/1l tell you that 3or sure..
When 'alm and lo)i' *revail at the overt! *ubli' level intera'tions seem .'ivili;ed. and .)ro2n u*.. But barely hidden beneath the sur3a'e! emotions do 'ontinue to e6ist and! unbeno2nst to us! a33e't our lives. When su**ressed! *ent%u* emotions distort thinin) and 'ommuni'ation! *rodu'e errati' behavior! and even 'reate *hysi'al sym*toms su'h as head%! ba'%! and stoma'h%a'hes and 'hroni' 'onditions lie arthritis! ul'ers! 'olitis! 'onsti*ation and hy*ertension. <eart disease and some 3orms o3 'an'er may also be the result o3 inade8uately e6*ressed 3eelin)s! as 'an de*ression and addi'tion to dru)s. Men o3ten dis'ount and deny their emotions. But there is al2ays a *ri'e 2hen 2e ne)ate our 3eelin)s. When events hurt or sadden us *ro3oundly and 2e 'annot 'ry! that sadness be'omes the bedro' o3 our *ersonality and 2e be'ome 2alin) dead! 3orever de*ressed and 5oyless; that 3a't is bein) e6*erien'ed and 3inally re'o)ni;ed re)ardin) veterans o3 our 2ars.
Alienated 3rom our emotional nature! 2e be'ome livin) dead%%alive *hysi'ally but *sy'holo)i'ally de'eased. Cur homes! bedrooms! and it'hens are neat and 'lean! but our 'losets are *iled hi)h 2ith *sy'hi' 5un and our basements are 'luttered 2ith emotional dun).
?motions are unavailable to the emotionally illiterate! but *o2er isn/t. Bein) una2are and un'on'erned 2ith 3eelin)s )ives *eo*le a heartless advanta)e over others 2ho are restrained by their em*athi' s'ru*les. And 2hen the livin) dead a'8uire *o2er! as they so o3ten do! they sub5e't the rest o3 us to their 'ontrol! *o2er *lays! and violen'e. When the emotionally illiterate inhabit the 'orridors o3 *o2er and dominate 2hole )overnments! they threaten the 'iti;enry 2ith a*o'aly*se%%2ar! death! hun)er! and disease.
E"al$ating )o$r Emotional !iteracy. 1 may love a 2oman and she may love me. We may be 3antasti' lovers and mae 3abulous love! but unless 2e understand and e33e'tively deal 2ith our emotions! our relationshi* 2ill deteriorate. 1t 2ill either unravel relentlessly until there/s nothin) but loose ends! or it 2ill be'ome a tra* 3rom 2hi'h only divor'e or death 'an release us. Bou may 2onder 2here you stand on the emotional litera'y s'ale. <ere is a 8uestionnaire that may hel* you 3ind out&
1. >o your 3eelin)s sometimes )et out o3 'ontrol= An)er= >e*ression= >o your 3eelin)s *u;;le you= Are you unable to understand them= 2. >o you sometimes 3eel em*ty inside! or dead%%that you are missin) somethin) very im*ortant in li3e= F. >o *eo*le 'om*lain that you la' 3eelin)! that you are 'old= Arro)ant= :e5e'tin)= ". >o you 3ind that most o3 your relationshi*s 2ith 2omen are lie turns at the bat% . 9hree stries and you/re outK . = >o you have trouble )ettin) involved 2ith a 2oman beyond a 3e2 dates= $. >o you e6*erien'e your 3eelin)s o3 love 'omin) and )oin) ine6*li'ably and un'ontrollably= G. Are you embarrassed to as 3or 2hat you 2ant or tal about 3eelin) hurt= >o you have trouble sayin)! . 1 love you . = #. >o you avoid emotional situations lie )oodbyes or *eo*le 2ho are )rievin) or si'= >o you have trouble 'ryin)= Are you embarrassed 2hen someone sho2s a33e'tion 3or you in *ubli'=
13 you ans2ered yes to these 8uestions! you have some o3 the most 'ommon sym*toms o3 emotional illitera'y. 9he more o3 these e6*erien'es you are 3amiliar 2ith! the more you 2ill be able to *ro3it 3rom this se'tion o3 the boo.
What *e +eel and Why. 9o be emotionally literate 2e need to no2 both 2hat it is that 2e are 3eelin) and 2hat the 'auses 3or our 3eelin)s are. 1t is not su33i'ient to no2 that 2e are an)ry! )uilty! ha**y! or in love.; 2e also need to no2 the ori)in o3 our an)er! 2hat 'auses our )uilt! 2hy 2e are in love.
Cur *rimary emotions are 3e2; an)er! sadness! 3ear! hate! se6! 5oy! love! ho*e. ?motions 'an be divided into *ositive and ne)ative! de*endin) on 2hether 2e see them or avoid them be'ause they )ive us *leasure or *ain. When t2o or more *rimary emotions o''ur simultaneously! they 'ombine into se'ondary emotional hues. Love 'an o''ur 2ith an)er or even 2ith its 'ounter*art! hate. When more emotions are added! they 'an 'reate su'h a muddy e6*erien'e that 'haos and 'on3usion are the 'onse8uen'e. Healousy is o3ten su'h a 'om*ost o3 emotions%%an)er! 3ear! shame! love! se6ual desire%%that it 'an seem both in'om*rehensible and unmana)eable. ?motions 'an also be stron) or 2ea.
?a'h o3 the emotions mentioned above has *o2er3ul and 2ea mani3estations. 0or instan'e! an)er 'an )o 3rom minor irritation to blind ra)e. 0ear 'an )o 3rom mild a**rehension to terror. Peo*le 2ho are emotionally illiterate may re'o)ni;e their emotions only at the very intense end o3 the s*e'trum. Men! 3or instan'e! are o3ten either 'om*letely una2are o3 mild 3orms o3 an)er or unable to s*ea about them. Bet! 2hen they )et an)ry enou)h! men 2ill e6*ress their an)er and no2 that they are 3eelin) it. 9he same is true o3 men/s a2areness o3 and 'a*a'ity to e6*ress their 3eelin)s o3 love. Men have a tenden'y to 3eel love only 2hen it is at the very intense end o3 the s*e'trum! and to 3eel it very intensely but! 2hen the 3eelin) 2anes! suddenly 3ind themselves utterly out o3 love. With the e6'e*tion o3 sudden breathrou)hs at 'ertain dramati' moments! they e6*erien'e their lives as rational and emotion 3ree. 0or them emotions are usually somethin) that ha**en to them une6*e'tedly. 9hey o''asionally e6*erien'e outbreas o3 irre*ressible emotion 2hi'h they re)ard as un*redi'table! hi)hly un2anted disru*tions in their everyday lives! and are not a2are o3 the 'onstant inter*lay o3 emotions belo2 the level o3 'ons'iousness that is the 'ause 3or these outbursts.
A man 2ho is in love 2ith a 2oman 2ho is bein) less than 'andid about her a33e'tions 3or another man may! a3ter 2ees or months! suddenly e6*lode into a 5ealous ra)e. 9he blindin) 3eelin) that over'omes him is a 'ombination o3 several stron) emotions& o3 love and an)er be'ause o3 her un3air treatment! o3 envy and 5ealousy be'ause he 3eels that she is )ivin) her love to another! o3 humiliation be'ause o3 his *o2erlessness! and o3 ra)e be'ause o3 her de'eit. All o3 these to)ether 2ill be e6*erien'ed as an amor*hous and over2helmin) emotional 'haos that he/ll liely 2ant to su**ress be'ause o3 its seemin)ly unmana)eable nature.
13 he had been more emotionally literate! he mi)ht have noti'ed his 3eelin)s several 2ees be3ore and e6*ressed! rather than hidden! them. <e 2ould have no2n the s*e'i3i' 3eelin)s involved and their intensity and ho2 they 'ombined 2ith ea'h other. 9hat is& 1. he is very mu'h in love! 2. he is sad and an)ry be'ause he is not )ettin) her attention! F. he is sus*i'ious o3 his beloved/s relationshi* 2ith another! and ". these three e6*erien'es 'ombined into 5ealousy. Nno2in) this! he mi)ht have been able to e6*ress these 3eelin)s earlier 2hen they 2ere at a mu'h lo2er level o3 intensity. 13 he had! she mi)ht have 'han)ed the 'ourse o3 her a'tions& She mi)ht have been more a2are that he really loves her. She mi)ht have de'ided to treat him more honestly and 'lari3ied her 3eelin)s about him. Cne 2ay or another his e6*ressions o3 3eelin) 'ould have made the un'ontrollable breathrou)h less liely and 'ould also have alerted her to his 3eelin)s so that she 'ould do somethin) about them. But ho2 2as he to determine these emotional 3a'ts 2hen he didn/t really no2 about his 3eelin)s in the 3irst *la'e=
!earning Emotional !iteracy 1t/s im*ortant to remember that in order to learn emotional litera'y it is hel*3ul to be in an emotionally nurturin) environment in 2hi'h *eo*le a**laud and su**ort the learnin) o3 these sills. 9here is a stron) tenden'y in our 'ulture to deni)rate the learnin) o3 emotional sills! es*e'ially 3or men. A man 2ho 2ants to learn about these matters is not )oin) to re'eive a lot o3 su**ort in his everyday li3e. Learnin) emotional litera'y in our unsym*atheti' environment 2ill be di33i'ult.
9here3ore! a ma5or 3irst ste* is to 3ind su'h an environment. 0riends! 'hur'h )rou*s! men/s )rou*s! a human *otential 2orsho*! or a su**ortive thera*y )rou* 'an be a )ood sour'e o3 ba'u* 3or men 2ho 2ant to learn emotional litera'y. 9here are also situations in 2hi'h 2hole 3amilies and )rou*s o3 *eo*le lie reli)ious or ethni' 'ommunities are o*en to emotional dialo)ue; su'h 'oo*erative environments are ideal 3or learnin) emotional litera'y.
A nurturin) lover 'an be very hel*3ul! o3 'ourse! but should not be the only su**ort! sin'e emotional learnin) 'an be e6haustin) 3or the tea'her. 1t/s a )ood idea to tae the *ressure o33 her by seein) a broad su**ort system o3 'lose 3riends! 3riendly a'8uaintan'es! a thera*ist *erha*s! trusted 3amily member! et'. 9his allo2s her to be hel*3ul 2ithout bein) 'entral to the *ro'ess.
Lie any 'om*le6 sill! it taes time and *atien'e to learn emotional litera'y. 1deally! it 2ould be learned durin) 'hildhood in an emotionally literate environment. When it/s not! as is )enerally the 'ase! several 'om*li'ations emer)e. 0irst! 2hen learnin) does not o''ur at the develo*mentally a**ro*riate a)e! it 2ill be more di33i'ult later. Se'ond! 2hile 3ailin) to develo* the sill! the 'hild 2ill *robably develo* *oor habits that 2ill need to be unlearned be3ore learnin) 'an o''ur. When *eo*le learn to *lay an instrument or ty*e or read on their o2n! they o3ten have to )o throu)h a di33i'ult *eriod o3 unlearnin) 'ounter%*rodu'tive habits be3ore 3urther e33e'tive learnin) 'an o''ur. 9his is also true o3 emotional litera'y; it is more di33i'ult to learn later in li3e and re8uires unlearnin) 'ertain bad emotional habits that inter3ere 2ith it. <o2ever! 2hile di33i'ult! the tas is 3ar 3rom im*ossible )iven the desire and resolve. 0or those 2ho may 2ant to *ursue the matter 3urther! 1 have desi)ned a *ro)ram o3 ?motional Litera'y 9rainin) 2hi'h 1 outline in the boo Emotional Literacy! Intelligence "ith a Heart
,nlearning Emotional Po*er A-$se. ?motions have *o2er. 9hey have an im*a't that at times 'an be over2helmin) to others. We are a2are o3 the *o2er o3 emotions 2hen 2e hold them ba' so as not to u*set their tar)et. Bou have a'ted on a uns*oen understandin) o3 the *o2er o3 emotions 2henever you have re3rained 3rom raisin) your voi'e in an)er at a lover! 3riend! or 'hild. 13 you/ve ever hide your o2n 3ear so as not to alarm those around you! or seen the 2ay *ani' s*reads 2hen someone yells .0ireK. in a theater! you are 3amiliar 2ith the *o2er o3 emotions.
We abuse the *o2er our emotions have 2hen 2e unload them 2ithout 2arnin) on the un2ary! un*re*ared! or un*rote'ted in the 3orm o3 tantrums! tirades! or .)uilt%tri*s. . We 3urther abuse our emotions/ *o2er 2hen 2e use them in *o2er *lays that are a sort o3 emotional bla'%mail! a ta'ti' used to intimidate others into some 3orm o3 'om*lian'e. 9o )ive our 3eelin)s more *o2er and 5usti3i'ation! 2e 'ou*le them 2ith 5ud)ments! a''usations! e6a))erations! and lies! 2hi'h 2e then 2ield lie billy 'lubs.
0or instan'e! 2hen Hohn is slo2 in doin) the evenin)/s dishes! Mary 2ould do best to say somethin) lie& .Hohn! 2e a)reed that i3 1 'ooed! you 2ould do the dishes! and you are main) me an)ry the 2ay you are dra))in) the 5ob out; *lease do as 2e a)reed and 3inish the dishes.. But be'ause she is 3eelin) 3rustrated and *o2erless! and has learned by ObadP e6am*le that the only 2ay to e6*ress 'riti'ism and )et one/s 2ay is by )ettin) an)ry! she mi)ht say& .@oddammit! Hohn! 1 am )ettin) si' and tired o3 your dra))in) your 3eet. 1 'an/t believe ho2 3ar you/ll )o not to do your share around here; you are settin) a 3ine e6am*le o3 la;iness 3or the ids! is all 1 'an say..
' can make yo$ #eel; yo$ can make me #eel. Common sense indi'ates that other *eo*le a33e't us emotionally. 1t seems obvious that one *erson/s a'tions 'an 'reate emotions in another. 13 Mary suddenly starts yellin) about the dishes in the middle o3 a *leasant 'onversation 2hile Hohn is en)rossed in a ma)a;ine arti'le! tain) him 'om*letely by sur*rise 2ith a sudden tirade! he is very liely to rea't emotionally. Perha*s a3ter bein) s'ared! he 2ill 3eel hurt! and a3ter 3eelin) hurt! he 2ill be an)ry. Mean2hile Hohn/s 3eelin)s are a33e'tin) Mary! 2ho mi)ht res*ond 2ith )uilt! more an)er! or ho*elessness. All these rea'tions 2ill be the 'onse8uen'e o3 Mary/s outburst.
?motions have real ener)y that sets u* a *o2er3ul 3ield o3 in3luen'e and a33e'ts *eo*le in its *hysi'al vi'inity. Hohn! 3or e6am*le! has *ra'ti'ally no 'hoi'e but to 3eel s'ared 2hen Mary suddenly shouts at him about the dishes. 9he hurt and later an)er may be o*tional! but all three 3eelin)s are the 'onse8uen'e! to some e6tent! o3 her behavior. A 'ommon res*onse o3 an emotionally illiterate *erson to another *erson/s 3eelin)s is to dis'laim res*onsibility. 13 Hohn is s'ared! hurt! or an)ry! Mary/s rea'tion may be . 9hat/s your *roblem! . or . Bou are 'hoosin) to be an)ry! . be'ause she 3eels no duty to res*ond or rea't to them. 9his dis'ounts the 2hole realm o3 emotional res*onsibility and 3lies in the 3a'e o3 the obvious inter'onne'tions bet2een *eo*le. Women o3ten 'om*lain o3 su'h res*onses 'omin) 3rom men and 3eel them to be ma5or obsta'les to emotional dialo)ue.
9he truth is that 2e are able to 'ause 3eelin)s in other *eo*le! and they 'an 'ause 3eelin)s in us. 9hat 'a*a'ity 'an be abused 2hen 2e assault ea'h other 2ith an)er! or try to 'reate )uilt 2hen 2e are 3eelin) hurt. Cnly 2hen this emotional inter'onne'tedness is a'no2led)ed 'an an emotionally literate dialo)ue o''ur. 9o deny this 3a't is a 3orm o3 emotional illitera'y. Peo*le are intimately a33e'ted by ea'h other/s emotions! 2hether or not these emotions are 3ully a'no2led)ed. 1n 3a't! it is *robably true that the less the emotions are dis'ussed! and the more they are dis'ounted! the more they 2ill a33e't their hosts.
9he dis'ountin) o3 emotions 'an tae several 3orms. Cn one hand 2e 'an dis'ount our o2n. We may no2 that 2e are 3eelin) somethin)! but 2e *ur*osely brush it aside. Cn the other hand! 2e 'an dis'ount other *eo*le/s 3eelin)s. ?ven 2hen dis'ounted! ho2ever! the emotions 'ontinue. Peo*le thin they intera't rationally! but at the same time! at a very real but una'no2led)ed level! the emotional dialo)ue *ro'eeds on another 'hannel 2ith its o2n *u;;lin) 'onse8uen'es.
Cne ma5or 'onse8uen'e o3 dis'ountin) emotions is that they 'an stimulate ea'h other and sno2ball and eventually ra)e out o3 'ontrol. Some *eo*le 3eel that emotional outbursts o3 this sort are a healthy blo2out that 'leans the system o3 emotional trash. 1n a 2ay! it is true that su'h outbursts release some o3 the tension o3 dis'ounted 3eelin)s! but usually somebody )ets hurt in the *ro'ess! o3ten 2omen or 'hildren! leavin) behind emotional 2ounds and s'ars that sometimes never heal.
Dealing *ith E"eryday Emotional Transactions A3ter a hard day/s 2or! Anthony 'omes home and 3inds that Sandy! instead o3 bein) home as he ho*ed! is 2orin) late 2ith a ne2 a''ount. Anthony is disa**ointed! hurt! 3rustrated. <e 2ants to stran)le Sandy! her boss! and the ne2 a''ount. :eali;in) that he is irrationally an)ry! he su**resses his 3ury. <e sus*e'ts that the boss is ee*in) Sandy at the o33i'e be'ause he is turned on to her and that she re'i*ro'ates his attra'tion. 1n his sus*i'ious! envious mood! he ima)ines that the t2o o3 them and the ne2 a''ount are havin) a ri*%roarin) dinner *arty at his 3avorite restaurant.
When she 3inally 'omes home! he is 'alm but sullen and li3eless. <e res*onds 2ith irritation to her enthusiasm about the ne2 a''ount and does not a'no2led)e her a*olo)y 3or leavin) him stranded. 9o deal 2ith this situation ade8uately he needs to no2 1. ho2 he 3elt 2hen he )ot home%%an)ry! sad! a3raid. 2. What Sandy did that 'aused his 3eelin)s%%stay out late 2ith the boss on short i'e. F. What he sus*e'ts is )oin) on 2ith the boss%%'arryin) on a 3lirtation. ". What he 2ants her to do ne6t time%%'all him at 2or and )ive him some 2arnin). 13! in turn! she res*onds in an emotionally literate 2ay! she 2ill& $. Listen sym*atheti'ally 2ithout de3ensiveness! a'no2led)e ho2 he 3eels! and validate 2hatever truth there may be in his sus*i'ions. 13 all these ste*s are taen! and she res*onds in ind this di33i'ult situation 2ill be resolved in a *ositive 2ay! and Anthony and Sandy 2ill be able to 'ontinue their relationshi* in harmony. 13 not! and emotional 'haos is allo2ed in *la'e o3 emotionally literate dialo)! this in'ident 'ould be the be)innin) o3 the disinte)ration o3 their relationshi*.
Chapter 7. Taking Responsibility for our Mistakes; Apologies
C3 the several im*ortant thin)s that belon) in the emotionally literate dialo)ue; main) a**ro*riate and sin'ere a*olo)ies is most im*ortant 3or men to learn. 9he thou)ht o3 main) a heart3elt a*olo)y stries terror in the avera)e man. Losin) 3a'e! ba'in) o33! eatin) 'ro2%%all brin) ba' memories o3 s'hool%yard stru))les that tested and su**osedly *re*ared us 3or our manhood. We have learned that standin) one/s )round is manly! that ba'in) do2n is 2ea and humiliatin). Bet! a truly emotionally literate man 2ill admit his mistaes and a*olo)i;e i3 he 'aused any harm.
Bein) emotionally literate de3initely )oes a)ainst the old%3ashioned stereoty*e o3 .bein) a man. . Whenever you behave in an emotionally literate 2ay you are 'hoosin) to 'han)e yoursel3 into a di33erent ind o3 a man! a man 2ho a'no2led)es and deals 2ith his emotions. ?motionally illiterate behavior does not o''ur in isolated transa'tions but in *atterns. 9hree 2ays 2e en)a)e in these *atterns are to either
aP do somethin) 2e don/t 2ant to do! bP not as 3or 2hat 2e 2ant! or 'P do more than our share in a )iven situation.
9his sort o3 behavior is 'alled 'ode*endent in t2elve ste*s AA *arlan'e; in transa'tional analysis! it is 'alled :es'uin).
While 'ode*enden'y is a very use3ul 'on'e*t! transa'tional analysis adds t2o other behaviors to the *ro'ess. Perse'ution and bein) a 7i'tim. 9hese here roles :es'uer! Perse'utor and 7i'tim arran)ed in trian)le by Steven Nar*man 'onstitute the drama trian)le. 1m*li'it in the trian)le is the 3a't that the three roles are de*endent on ea'h otherTinter'han)eableTso that anyone 2ho en)a)es in any one o3 them 2ill soon 3ind themselves in one o3 the other t2o.
9hus! :es'uin) is a sour'e o3 mu'h 'on3li't and 'an ruin relationshi*s and 3riendshi*s. :es'ues usually be)in 2ith an e6'essive 2illin)ness to be )ivin) 2hi'h seems harmless. Cr it may stem 3rom a desire to al2ays do 2hatever one is ased to do! to al2ays be )ivin) and hel*3ul. Cr it may be the result o3 a su*erior attitude that assumes that a *erson is not able to tae 'are o3 hersel3. ?ventually the :es'uer 2ill tire and )et an)ry at those he has been )ivin) so mu'h to! blamin) them 3or his o2n de'ision to )ive more than he 2anted to )ive or to do more than his share. When 2e assume the :es'uer role! 2e do thin)s 3or *eo*le 2hom 2e see as bein) 7i'tims! unable to tae res*onsibility 3or themselves. Sometimes 2e even :es'ue *eo*le 2ho don/t e6*e't! need or 2ant to be :es'ued. 1n any 'ase the *erson bein) :es'ued is disen*o2ered 2hile in time the :es'uer 2ill inevitably 'ome to 3eel unha**y about his :es'uin) and eventually )et an)ry and turn to Perse'ution.
Moreover! the re'i*ient o3 the :es'uer/s mis)uided )enerosity 2ill eventually noti'e that the :es'uer is )ivin) thin)s out o3 a sense o3 obli)ation. 0e2 *eo*le en5oy bein) vie2ed as a 7i'tim; it maes sense that 2hen *eo*le reali;e they are bein) :es'ued! they 3eel humiliated and resent3ul.
9he inevitable out'ome o3 :es'uin) *eo*le is an)er; an)er in the :es'uer 2ho )ets 3ed u* 2ith doin) thin)s he doesn/t 2ant to do or 2ith doin) more than his 3air share! and an)er in the 7i'tim 3or bein) 'ondes'ended to as someone 2ho 'an/t tae 'are o3 him or hersel3. 1nevitably! the :es'uer 2ill eventually *erse'ute the 7i'tim! or the 7i'tim 2ill *erse'ute the :es'uer. An)er 2ill s*ill 3reely in all dire'tions. 9em*tin) thou)h it may be to tae 'are o3 others! hard thou)h it may be to say no! learnin) not to :es'ue! and learnin) not to Perse'ute 2hen 2e have :es'ued is very im*ortant 3or anyone 2ho 2ants to *reserve and nurture meanin)3ul 3riendshi*s and relationshi*s.
9he best 2ay o3 interru*tin) this 'y'le is to sto* :es'uin) and a*olo)i;e. 9his needs to be handled 2ith 'are. 0indin) out that someone has been :es'uin) you 'an be humiliatin). Learnin) that someone 'lose to you no lon)er 2ants to do somethin) they have been doin) 3or or 2ith you%%s*end less time to)ether 3or e6am*le%%'an 3eel lie an abandonment. When you de'ide that it is ne'essary to sto* :es'uin) someone! i3 the 'han)e you are *ro*osin) is substantial it 'an lead to a serious 'risis. 9here3ore it is use3ul to do it in a sa3e and sober situation lie in thera*y or 2ith the hel* o3 a mutual 3riend that 'an be trusted to understand and mediate. When none o3 these o*tions are available! it is *ossible to do it via a letter. 1n a 3a'e%to%3a'e e6'han)e the emotional res*onse o3 the res'uee mi)ht mae you 3eel de3ensive! or you mi)ht lose your nerve and )o on :es'uin). A letter avoids this and also )ives the other *erson an e6*lanation! stated 'arin)ly! in bla' and 2hite! that he or she 'an re%read to be sure they understand 2hat you have been doin) that you no lon)er 2ant to do! and 2hat 'han)es you are *ro*osin).
?ven 2ith these *re'autions! it is di33i'ult to sto* :es'uin). Be'ause :es'uin) means doin) thin)s you don/t 2ant to do! to sto* res'uin) you need to 'lari3y 2hat you 2ant! and 2hat 'onstitutes a 3air share o3 the e33ort involved in a relationshi*. Cne has to no2 2hat one 2ants and doesn/t 2ant to do and 2hat is a 3air distribution o3 a relationshi*/s res*onsibilities.
.>o 1 2ant to 'ontinue this 'onversation= . .>o 1 2ant to have se6=. .>o 1 2ant to hel*=. .>o 1 2ant to eat out toni)ht= . . 1s it 3air 3or me to do the dishes i3 Mary 'oos! or should 1 also s2ee* the 3loor= .1s it 3air that 1 al2ays have to initiate se6= . .Should 1 al2ays *ay 3or dinner 2hen 2e )o out= >o 1 2ant to= .
9he 'orre't attitude 2hen 2e dis'over that 2e have been res'uin) is one o3 sel3% 'riti'ism rather than an)er! an a*olo)y rather than an a''usation. 1n addition! 2hen 2e have res'ued and 2ant to sto*! it is im*ortant to do so 2ith a )entle! nurturin) e6*lanation rather than an abru*t 2ithdra2al or sulin) *o2er *lay.
ha!ter 8" 0o$ to &e a -etter Lo1er2 Sexual Literacy
When! at the turn o3 the 'entury! the taboos about the sub5e't o3 3emale se6uality that *revented it 3rom bein) dis'ussed! let alone 2ritten about! be)an to li3t! the 3irst 2ave o3 so%'alled e6*ert in3ormation 2as ludi'rously ina''urate. Women did not have or)asms! 2e 2ere told! or they had them automati'ally 2hen men did. Women lost their minds 2ith lust and they be'ame addi'ted to masturbation and 'litoral stimulation! or they 2ere 'ontent merely to satis3y their man! re8uirin) no or)asm 3or themselves. 9heories about 2omen/s se6uality ran)ed 2idely and in 'ontradi'tory dire'tions . 1t 2as not until the advent o3 3eminism and! later! the se6ual revolution that the study o3 3emale se6uality be)an to yield a''urate! reliable in3ormation.
What Women !ike and Don.t !ike. Cne o3 the most )round breain) *ie'es o3 s'holarshi* on the sub5e't 2as The Hite Report! # $ation-"ie Stuy of %emale Sexuality! *ublished in the 19-0/s. 9his 2as and is still an e6'e*tionally eye o*enin) investi)ation o3 2omen/s sub5e'tive e6*erien'e o3 se6 2ith men. 9he boo made and still maes di33i'ult readin) 3or most men! not only be'ause it is lon) and at times 'om*li'ated but also be'ause it *aints an un3latterin) *ortrait o3 the male lovemain) style.
1t 'an be a sho' to see ho2 2omen vie2 us as loves. When 2omen 2ere ased! . <o2 have most men had se6 2ith you= . they des'ribed their e6*erien'es 2ith men as basi'ally! . iss! su'! 3u'! snore. .
1n a seemin)ly endless litany! s'ores o3 2omen re'alled their ty*i'al e6*erien'es.
. Small amount o3 3ore*lay! then inter'ourse till he 'omes. 9he end. .
.S*eed demon. .
. 9ae 2hat you 'an and don/t )ive any. .
. @ettin) on and )ettin) it over as on as *ossible. .
. An e6'ess o3 a'tivity. .
. Slam! ban)! than you ma/am. .
. 1nsert A into B. >ull! dull! dull! dull. .
9o the 8uestion . Who de'ides 2hen it/s over= . the ans2ers 2ere&
. >i' Po2er! the *enis de'ides. .
. <e does! as he e5a'ulates. .
.<e )oes to slee* at on'e and snores. .
1 2as *ersonally *ained 2hen readin) these 'om*laints be'ause 1 had to re'o)ni;e situations 2here these des'ri*tions 'ould 3it my o2n behavior. <o*e3ully! it 2asn/t ever as 'rude as . 1nsert A into B! . but 1 didn/t lie seein) mysel3 des'ribed! even remotely! by <ite/s dis)runtled sub5e'ts. ?ven thou)h <ite/s boo is a 8uarter o3 a 'entury old today! 1 re'ommend it as a soberin) introdu'tion to the basi' 3a'ts about 2hat is 2ron) bet2een men and 2omen se6ually. 9he 3ollo2in) are summaries o3 the 3indin)s es*e'ially im*ortant 3or men to be a2are o3&
Cnly F0 *er'ent o3 2omen had or)asms durin) inter'ourse. Cnly 11 *er'ent o3 the 2omen 2ho didn/t have an or)asm durin) inter'ourse said that they 3elt oay about it. 9he rest 3elt any2here 3rom annoyed to very u*set. #0 *er'ent o3 them held the man res*onsible . -2 *er'ent o3 2omen masturbated! and o3 these 92 *er'ent a'hieved or)asm. Cver2helmin)ly! 2omen 2anted se6 2ith 3eelin).
9hat means that the ma5ority o3 2omen 2hom you! dear reader! have had! or 2ill have inter'ourse 2ith&
1. Will not have an or)asm. 2. Will 3eel bad about it. F. Would be able to a'hieve or)asm throu)h some 3orm o3 additional stimulation. ". Will blame you 3or their 3ailure to a'hieve or)asm! $. Will 3orhive almost anythin) i3 you sho2 a 'a*a'ity and 2illin)ness 3or 'ommuni'ation at the emotional level.
<ite/s 3indin)s 'on3irm 2ith the 2ei)ht o3 statisti'al eviden'e 2hat has been sus*e'ted by many about the relationshi* bet2een the se6es and about 2hat 2omen 2ant%%namely! to 8uote <ite& Women "ant goo sex "ith feeling&
0eelin) here means not 5ust any 3eelin)s! but 3irst and 3oremost! 3eelin)s o3 a33e'tion and tenderness%%3eelin)s that 3eel )ood. 1t is 3airly 'lear 2hat 2omen 'onsider lousy lovemain)%%to 2it& a man 2ho rushes her throu)h 3ore*lay! doesn/t as her 2hen she is ready 3or inter'ourse but assumes that he 'an tell! 2ho never 'onsiders 2aitin) to let her lead the 2ay; and 2ho then thrusts into her at his *a'e! 2ithout 3indin) out 2hat s*eed! rhythm or an)le she 2ould *re3er; assumes that i3 she is a *assionate 2oman she 2ill 'ome under these 'ir'umstan'es; then! havin) 3ailed to hel* her 'ome Oor assumin) she has 'ome! or 2ill ma)i'ally 2hen he doesP! has his 'lima6 and then 3alls aslee*! leavin) her lyin) in the 2et s*ot 2ith no dis'ussion o3 ho2 she is 3eelin)! 2hether she is 'ontent and 2ho doesn/t say anythin) lovin) to her throu)hout! or 2ho only says lovin) thin)s durin) se6! and then in su'h a 2ay that his *ro3essed love seems totally se6 oriented.
9han3ully! su'h men are on their 2ay to be'omin) e6tin't. But thou)h this 'ari'ature o3 male se6ual behavior is ar)uably be'omin) a thin) o3 the *ast! most men still have some o3 the se6ual vi'es des'ribed above. 1n the #0/s 2omen be)an to demand more thou)ht3ul love main). 1n the this ne2 millennium less and less 2omen are 2illin) to *ut u* 2ith the ind o3 *oor se6ual eti8uette detailed above.
Why Women >on/t Want to <ave Se6 OAs C3ten As MenP
1t has taen 'ountless 'enturies! 9iresias verdi't in Weus and <era/s debate not 2ithstandin)! 3or the 'ommon man to reali;e that 2omen en5oy se6 every bit as mu'h as Oi3 not more thanP 2e do. 0or the lon)est time! it 2as 'ommonly believed that normal 2omen did not! 'ould not! and 2ould not 3ind se6 *leasurable. 9he 2ondrous 3a'ts o3 the 3emale or)asm! lon) hidden 3rom vie2! have 3inally be'ome 'ommon no2led)e& Women de3initely 2ant and most 'ertainly do en5oy se6.%% some 2ith lo2 se6 drives may easily lose the se6 im*ulse! in the 3a'e o3 the *hysi'al and emotional hassles involved.
9hou)h se6 drive varies 3rom *erson to *erson 2ith 2omen 5ust as 2ith men! most 2omen 2ant and 'ertainly 'an en5oy se6 as mu'h as men. 9hen 2hy is it that 2omen rarely *ursue se6 as men do! and o3ten de'line men/s se6ual overtures= 9he reasons are many! thou)h any one 2oman may have her o2n assortment. Let me list them in the order o3 3re8uen'y 2ith 2hi'h they/ve been mentioned to me.
WCM?D 9AN? S?S MC:? P?:SCDALLB 9<AD M?D. 9o men! se6 is o3ten a short%lived event that doesn/t ne'essarily involve the heart as mu'h as it does 3or 2omen. Conse8uently! men 'an have se6 more 'asually%%2ith someone they hardly no2 or don/t even lie! durin) or a3ter an ar)ument! or in s*ite o3 other unresolved emotional issues. 9o men! se6uality is sim*ly more limited to 5ust that%%se6uality%%than it o3ten is 3or 2omen. 9hus! 2omen are more hesitant to have se6 3or 3ear o3 the dee*er emotional 'onse8uen'es *otentially asso'iated 2ith se6ual relations%%hurt! heart%brea! or sel3%re*roa'h.
. My *roblem! . said one 2oman! . is that i3 1 really let mysel3 )o 2ith a man! 1/m liable to 3all in love 2ith him. <e may be a 5er! and to him 2hat ha**ened 2as about as im*ortant as a 2arm handshae! but 1/m usually not able to stay deta'hed! es*e'ially i3 the se6 is )ood. 1 end u* 2ith a broen heart. 1t/s not 2orth it! believe me! no matter ho2 2onder3ul the se6 may be..
1t/s hard 3or a man to *ut himsel3 in a 2oman/s shoes and ima)ine ho2 di33erent she may 3eel about havin) se6 than he. 13 she has no moral reservations! 2hy doesn/t she 5ust )o ahead= We tend to inter*ret her relu'tan'e as some 3orm o3 tease or *o2er *lay! a 2ay o3 dominatin) us or usin) our needs to her advanta)e.
What men need to understand is that! as a rule! se6 is not e6*erien'ed in the same 2ay by men and 2omen. Uuite obviously! se6 ha**ens inside a 2oman 2hile it ha**ens outside a man; it is a more vulnerable! intimate matter 3or a 2oman! and 2e need to ee* that 3a't in mind.
.?ver sin'e 2e 3irst met! . said Mary about her husband Chu'! . he has been ready to have se6 be3ore 1 2as. <e 2anted to have se6 on our 3irst date. 1 lied him as mu'h as he lied me! it 2as love at 3irst si)ht! but 1 5ust 2asn/t ready to o*en u* that 3ast. Later on! 2hen 2e no2 2e are )oin) to )et it on! he 2ants to )et to it in ten minutes 2hen 1 2ant an hour. 13 2e 5ust had a 3i)ht! es*e'ially! 1 2ant to mae u* be3ore 2e mae love; to him! main) love is main) u*. 1 5ust have the 3eelin) that it doesn/t mean the same to him as it means to me. .
M?D A:? C09?D DC9 7?:B @CC> LC7?:S. Another reason 3or 2omen/s relu'tan'e is that many 2oman have had bad emotional e6*erien'es asso'iated 2ith se6 that mae them 2ary o3 *uttin) themselves at ris a)ain. Perha*s she has had trouble rea'hin) or)asm Oa *roblem many youn) 2omen e6*erien'e! but 3e2 men ever do until they are in middle a)e! i3 everP. 1t is! un3ortunately! still true that many men/s e)os are hi)hly sensitive and that they rea't badly! even an)rily! to su))estions 3or im*rovement. She may have been *ushed into havin) se6 2hen she didn/t 2ant to by an insistent *artner. She may have been ra*ed.
0re8uently! a 2oman may have had the e6*erien'e o3 unsatis3yin) se6 2ith a man 2hile he seemed 8uite 'ontent. Perha*s she hasn/t 'ome! *erha*s she has been s8uashed by an enthusiasti' man 2ho assumed and e*t the *roverbial missionary! man%above *osition. Perha*s she has been maneuvered into se6ual *ositions she didn/t lie! then treated 2ith subtle hostility 2hen she tried to e6*ress her dis*leasure. Perha*s she has e6*erien'ed that men/s e)os are hi)hly sensitive and that they rea't badly! even an)rily! to su))estions 3or im*rovement. Possibly she has noti'ed that men are dis)usted by her )enitals! their odor! her menses. <e may have 3allen aslee* shortly a3ter he 'ame! leavin) her 3eelin) lonely and 3rustrated; men may have turned 'old as soon as se6 2as over.
1n short! she may not have en5oyed *revious se6ual en'ounters! has no reason to e6*e't better! and doesn/t 2ant to have to deal 2ith ine*t lovemain)! mu'h less *ossible abuse! es*e'ially 2ith a man 2hose interest may be *urely re'reational. She may 3eel! as one 2oman *ut it! . 1 hardly no2 the )uy. 13 1 'ould have been sure that se6 2ould be )ood! 1 2ould have )one 3or it! but let/s 3a'e it! 'han'es are it 2ouldn/t and he 2ouldn/t even reali;e it. So then 1 have to )et rid o3 him. <is 3eelin)s 2ill be hurt! so 1/ll have to s*end time bein) 'onsiderate and sensitive i3 he suls! or 1/ll have to 3i)ht him o33 i3 he 'an/t tae no 3or an ans2er and )ets nasty. 1 'an/t bear to thin o3 the hassle. .
Seen in this li)ht! its entirely understandable that most 2omen are 2ary o3 rushin) into a se6ual en'ounter. And these are only the emotional riss.
PA1D04L S?S! 1::19A91CDS! 1D0?C91CDS! 7.>. Women have reason to 3ear )enital in3e'tions. 1n addition to her*es! there are yeast in3e'tions! tri'homonas! 'hlamidia! *a*illoma virus all o3 2hi'h men 'arry 3rom 2oman to 2oman and 2hi'h a33e't them hardly at all. @onorrhea and sy*hilis are more liely to )o undete'ted in 2omen and )onorrhea is more di33i'ult to treat in 2omen than in men. 0inally! there is A1>S Oa'8uired immune de3i'ien'y syndromeP. 9hou)h A1>S still *rimarily threatens )ay men! heterose6ual men and 2omen are in'reasin)ly at ris! and men are *resently over2helmin)ly the 'arriers! es*e'ially bise6ual men or 17 dru) users. Moreover! a man 'an have se6 2ith an <17 *ositive 2oman and may not )et <17. But a 2oman/s 'han'es o3 bein) in3e'ted by a man are mu'h hi)her! es*e'ially i3 her va)inal 2alls are irritated durin) inter'ourse! then e6*osed to his semen.
Conse8uently! 2omen have more reason to avoid 'asual se6 than men do.
. 1t too me years to reali;e 2hat 2as ha**enin)! but it turns out that every time 1 mae love to somebody ne2! 1 2ind u* 2ith some ind o3 'rot'h it'h. Cnly a3ter 1 have been main) love to a )uy 3or a 2hile do 1 sto* rea'tin) this 2ay. to )et used to him. 1 don/t no2! but that does not hel* 2hen it 'omes to )ettin) it on 'asually. . So s*oe a 2oman 2ho had re)ret3ully de'ided that thou)h she en5oyed 'asual se6! she had to )ive it u*.
So a)ain! 2e need to *ut ourselves in the 2oman/s *la'e and understand 2hy she may be hesitant 2hen 2e are hot! 2hy%%thou)h she may lie us and may 2ant to have se6 as mu'h as 2e do%%she 'hooses to abstain.
0?A: C0 P:?@DADCB While the above reasons a**ly mainly to 'asual se6! 3ear o3 *re)nan'y is a 'onstant dam*ener o3 2omen/s se6ual a'tivity! 2hether 'asual or not. 9he 3a't remains that the 'onse8uen'es o3 *re)nan'y as 2ell as mu'h o3 the res*onsibility 3or birth 'ontrol 3all u*on the 2oman. While it may seem to men that modern birth 'ontrol methods mae *re)nan'y a *roblem o3 the *ast! that is not a'tually the 'ase. 9he *ill and the intra%uterine devi'e O14>P have un'om3ortable and *otentially serious side e33e'ts. Can'er 3rom the *ill and *elvi' in3e'tions 3rom the 14> are *otentially li3e%threatenin) re*er'ussions 3or 2omen. Many 2omen are 5usti3iably un2illin) to submit themselves to those riss.
. 0or a 2hile! in the si6ties! 1 thou)ht the *roblem 2as solved! . said a 2oman in her late 3i3ties. .1 too the *ill! and althou)h it had de3inite side e33e'ts! 1 thou)ht! 2hat the he'! it/s 2orth it. But then all that resear'h started to 'ome out! and even thou)h they told you that it/s only a *roblem i3 you smoed! 1 5ust didnAt trust them. 1 2as a3raid o3 the *ill and 2as not 2illin) to tae a 'han'e and didnAt trust do'tors either. As 3ar as the 14> is 'on'erned! 3or)et it. A 3riend o3 mine had a baby on an 14> and another almost died o3 a *elvi' in3e'tion! birth 'ontrol is a real *roblem and turned me o33 to 'asual se6. .
9his leaves 2omen havin) to rely on methods that are less than *er3e't. Conse8uently! *re)nan'y is al2ays a *ossibility no matter ho2 remote. 1n the 'ase o3 un2anted *re)nan'y! abortion is an o*tion. <o2ever! 2omen reali;e that thou)h they may be than3ul 3or the ri)ht to terminate an un2anted *re)nan'y! an abortion is seldom anythin) but a *ain3ul! harro2in)! and heartbreain) event. Abortion is 'om*letely outside o3 men/s e6*erien'e. Men/s la' o3 understandin) o3 the realities o3 birth 'ontrol and abortion leads them to dis'ount 2omen/s utterly understandable 3ear o3 'areless inter'ourse and maes them intolerant o3 2omen/s se6ual relu'tan'e.
A MA99?: C0 MC:ALS Some 2omen believe that se6ual behavior! 2hether 'asual or not! is 2ron) outside o3 marria)e. Some believe it is 2ron) even 2ithin marria)e unless it is desi)ned to brin) about 'hildren. 0or a 2oman 2ho has these belie3s! se6uality is asso'iated 2ith a )reat deal more )uilt than 3or men 2ith similar belie3s. Men have al2ays been indul)ed in their sins more than 2omen have. Women 2ho brea se6ual 'odes are 'alled sluts and stoned to death still in 'ertain *la'es; men are more than liely 3or)iven 2ith a no2in) smile! and are even admired.
LACN C0 CCD9:CL Least o3ten mentioned by 2omen or in the usual se6 manuals but very im*ortant! in my o*inion! are the *re'on'e*tions about 2hat the . normal . se6ual e6*erien'e bet2een a man and a 2oman is su**osed to be lie. 9he assum*tion is that the man 2ill be a'tive and the 2oman *assive. Conse8uently! both *artners enter into a se6ual e6*erien'e 2ith the e6*e'tation that the man 2ill mae the moves and the 2oman 2ill res*ond 2ith *leasure. 13 he ha**ens to mae the ri)ht moves%%that is! the moves that 3it into her needs%% events 2ill *ro)ress satis3a'torily. But i3 he )oes too 3ast or too slo2! too )entle or too rou)hly! she usually doesn/t have the no2led)e! e6*erien'e! or 'ultural *ermission to re'ti3y matters or tae the initiative. 13 she does assume more *o2er in the situation and ties to 'ontrol the manAs im*la'able tra5e'tory! she in'urs the real ris o3 bein) seen as se6ually )ras*in) and s'arin) the man into im*oten'e! a re'ent *henomenon 3amiliar to ne2ly assertive 2omen.
13 she doesn/t assume *o2er! she is liely to 3eel in'reasin)ly *o2erless and un'om3ortable 2ith the situation. <er *osition is similar to that o3 a *assen)er in a 'ar on a 3ast ride! a situation more 3amiliar 2omen than men. When drivin) 3ast! the *erson in 'ontrol is de3initely )oin) to have more 3un. 13 the *assen)er doesn/t en5oy or is 3ri)htened by the ride! there are only t2o thin)s she 'an do%%%rela6 and trust! or say somethin) and ris )ettin) into an ar)ument 2ith the driver%%but either solution is not as )ood as )ettin) into the driver/s seat. Any man 2ho 2ants to )et a 3eel 3or 2hat 1 am talin) about 'an start by o33erin) the eys o3 his beloved 'ar to an a))ressive 3emale driver and e6*erien'in) the di33eren'e bet2een bein) in 'ontrol and )ivin) u* 'ontrol.
0ortunately! se6 is di33erent 3rom drivin)! and 'ontrol does not need to be e6'lusively in the hands o3 one or the other *arti'i*ant. 1n 3a't! the best se6 *robably o''urs 2hen 'ontrol )oes ba' and 3orth bet2een *artners! )ivin) both o3 them the o**ortunity to e6*erien'e the t2o sides o3 the 'ontrol e8uation. A 2oman may try to be a )ood se6ual *artner! but the dominan'e%submission relationshi* may not 2or 3or her and nothin) she does 2ithin that e8uation may set it strai)ht. Deither she nor her *artner may reali;e that the reason 3or their di33i'ulty is based on an assum*tion about 2ho is in 'ontrol! 2ho leads and 2ho 3ollo2s! and 2ho )ets to set the beat o3 their se6ual rhythm. Who is in 'ontrol is *robably the sin)le most im*ortant 3a'tor in 2hether the 2oman 2ill have an or)asm. She may need oral se6! masturbation! or the 2oman%above *osition to 'lima6. 13 she 'an have se6 the 2ay she lies it! she 2ill *robably be satis3ied. 9he man! ho2ever! may )et turned o33 by her a))ressivity or not )et 2hat he needs%%a rare but use3ul o**ortunity to e6*erien'e 2hat is a 'ommon event 3or 2omen.
0or all these reasons! most o3 the time that a 2oman and man meet! even i3 they are mutually attra'ted! the 2oman is liely to be less motivated to have se6.
1nter'ourseT1t is Hust a @uy 9hin)=
Control relates not only to ho2 love main) 2ill *ro)ress! at 2hat s*eed and in 2hi'h *ositionOsP! but to 2hat 'onstitutes love main). 0or the ma5ority o3 men se6 is still de3ined as inter'ourse. Cne o3 the revelations brou)ht out by 3eminist 2riters is that inter'ourse seems to be somethin) that men are 'om*elled to *ursue! 2hereas some 2omen have little or no interest in it. When a 2oman has had to learn to ada*t to male e6*e'tations! su'h as the assum*tion that she lies and 2ants inter'ourse! one 'onse8uen'e 'an be that she develo*s ne)ative 'onditionin). 9hat is! havin) o3ten had inter'ourse 2hen she didn/t really 3eel lie it! her indi33eren'e to inter'ourse turns to dislie%%she may even be)in to have *ain durin) *enetration! a sense o3 her internal tension. 9his is the sort o3 *ro'ess that tra)i'ally leaves some 2omen thinin) they don/t lie se6! labelin) themselves as 3ri)id! sim*ly be'ause they do not have the a**etite 3or inter'ourse men e6*e't and tae 3or )ranted.
Men have a hard time reali;in) that a 2oman 2ho isn/t enthusiast about inter'ourse is not 3ri)id! 2e have di33i'ulty understandin) that the e6*erien'e that 3or us is so *rimal! that 3eels so )ood! may 3eel very di33erent to her. A 2oman 2ho is allo2ed to e6*ress her relative la' o3 interest in inter'ourse may 3ind that! on'e the *ressure is o33! she 'an learn to a**re'iate it as one dish in the bu33et o3 se6ual deli)hts.
Sharin) Control and Con'ern
Se6ual di33i'ulties are usually blamed on the 2oman. 1t/s very mu'h lie 2hen she isn/t able to 3ollo2 the man/s lead on the dan'e 3loor. @ood se6! lie )ood dan'in)! is said to de*end on the 2oman bein) a )ood 3ollo2er. As 2omen be'ome more *o2er3ul and less 2illin) to 3ollo2! se6ual disharmony may a'tually in'rease until men learn to 3ollo2 and 2omen learn to lead! all o3 2hi'h may tae 'onsiderable time and e33ort.
Se6uality is a very deli'ate *ro'ess easily s*oiled by *ain and an6iety. :e*eated bouts 2ith all o3 the minor and ma5or hassles o3 se6 'an 'ause 2omen to develo* an automati' an6ious res*onse! 2hi'h 'an *ut a dam*er on her desire and inter3ere 2ith her *leasure! 2hi'h a''ounts 3or most so%'alled . 3emale 3ri)idity . and the *ain some 2omen e6*erien'e 3rom time to time O3or some 2omen all the timeP durin) inter'ourse.
?very time a *erson has bad! un*leasant se6! ne)ative 'onditionin) 2ill a''umulate. >ue to the 'a*ri'e o3 anatomy! a 2oman 2ho is not en5oyin) se6! unlie a man! 'an still have inter'ourse. 9here3ore 2omen 'an! and o3ten do! have se6 even i3 they are not . in the mood . at all. @oin) throu)h the motions in this 2ay is e6a'tly the sort o3 e6*erien'e that 'reates ne)ative 'onditionin). 9his is *robably the main reason 2hy 2omen are more liely to lose their en5oyment o3 se6 than men. So! 2hile a man tends to see inter'ourse! a 2oman 2ill tend to be more 'autious! unless she/s youn)! under he in3luen'e o3 intense hormonal *ressure to re*rodu'e and restless and ine6*erien'ed about the hassles o3 se6uality.
When she has )ro2n a''ustomed to a man/s body! trusts him! and *re'autions to *revent 'on'e*tion have been taen! then or)asm be'omes a liely and *re)nan'y an unliely out'ome o3 their lovemain)! and she may be'ome less relu'tant. Some men and 2omen 2ho have read this se'tion have ar)ued 2ith the *remise that men are more interested in se6 than 2omen. 9heir e6*erien'es seem to 'ontradi't that *oint o3 vie2. Married 2omen! es*e'ially! 'om*lain that their husbands lose interest in se6. Some! usually very attra'tive youn) men! 3ind that 2omen are more interested in se6 than they are.
1t 2ould 'ertainly be mistaen to say that all 2omen shy a2ay 3rom se6. 9here are 2omen 2ho 'om*lain about men/s relu'tan'e to have se6 2ith them. Some 2omen 'om*lain o3 men/s se6ual *assivity or 'oldness. Men too are sometimes inhibited by moral s'ru*les! 3ears o3 be'omin) emotionally involved! and 3ears o3 be'omin) in3e'ted or im*otent or o3 bein) ine*t. Still! a''ordin) to The Hite Report on Male Sexuality! they are in the minority. 1n <ite/s o2n su''in't 2ords! . Men/s ma5or dissatis3a'tion%%/2omen don/t 2ant se6 enou)h./ .
She e6*lains! . Cnly 11 *er'ent o3 the #!000 men 2ho re*lied! stated that they 2ere 3ully satis3ied 2ith the 3re8uen'y o3 se6. . Mean2hile! in a survey o3 her readers! Ann Landers 3ound that #$ *er'ent o3 the 2omen 2ould )ladly )ive u* se6 alto)ether and settle 3or nonse6ual attention. 1t seems undeniable that men and 2omen have di33erent *riorities 2here se6 is 'on'erned! and that this o3ten results in 2omen 3eelin) love%starved! 2hile men 3eel se6%starved.
What Can a Man >o=
When a man 3inds that a 2oman doesnAt 2ant to have inter'ourse he must be sym*atheti' to her hesitation. <e should a''e*t the reasons 3or her relu'tan'e and tae them seriously. 1nstead o3 dis'ountin) her 3ears o3 *re)nan'y or disease! he should 3ind out more about her *oint o3 vie2 and be sym*atheti'. <e ou)ht not to 3or'e himsel3 on her! or try to tal her into havin) se6 any2ay. <e needs to be a2are o3 his o2n disa**ointment and hurt! but he should not 2ithdra2 his interest or sul. 9he best 'ourse o3 a'tion is to listen res*e't3ully to her 'on'erns and be *atient. <e 'an state his desire! but should allo2 her the 3reedom to 'hoose 2ithout 3eelin) *ressured. 9his is both the ethi'ally 'orre't thin) to do and the attitude that! in the lon) run! 2ill be most a**re'iated by an emotionally healthy 2oman.
9his is not easy 3or men to do! but it is 2hat 2omen 2ant. Women don/t lie to be sedu'ed or *ressured! 'ontrary to *o*ular o*inion. 9hey may o''asionally allo2 it! but a man 2ho is 2illin) to 'onsider the reasons that deter a 2oman 3rom se6ual inter'ourse 2ill 3ind that his irresistible desire 'an be'ome resistible and that his interest and lovin) 'on'ern 3or her 'an tem*er his 2ants. <e 2ill be'ome less se6ually needy! more lovin). She 2ill have the room to assess her o2n se6ual desire and assua)e her 3ears and *erha*s 3ind that a3ter all! she too 2ants to mae se6ual love. 1n 3a't an interestin) *arado6 develo*s. 13 a man is a))ressively sedu'tive and *ushes his desire 3or se6! his 'han'es o3 . s'orin) . may in'rease. Women 'an o''asionally be intimidated into havin) se6! re)ardless o3 ho2 mu'h they may hate to be 'oer'ed in that manner. Cn o''asion it may even ha**en by 'han'e that su'h a sedu'tion develo*s into an en5oyable se6ual e6*erien'e. 9hat has resulted in the sel3%servin) male myth that 2omen en5oy bein) *ressured into se6! that *o2er *lays and subtle 'oer'ion enhan'e se6. 9he truth is that submittin) to a man 2ho 2on/t tae no 3or an ans2er rarely results in )ood se6 3or the 2oman; on the rare o''asions 2hen it does it is *ure 'oin'iden'e; the random re2ards o3 a mis)uided! ethi'ally dubious a**roa'h.
Cn the other hand! a man 2ho s'ru*ulously avoids tryin) to *ressure 2omen may 3ind that 2omen 2ill a**roa'h him instead. Women a**re'iate not bein) *ressured 3or se6. Bein) relieved o3 su'h *ressure o3ten *uts them in tou'h 2ith their o2n desires so that! in the end! this a**roa'h may lead to a se6ual relationshi* as o3ten as a more a))ressive one. But! more im*ortantly! 2hile the 3re8uen'y o3 se6ual relations in the above t2o o*tions may be the same! the 8uality 2ill be vastly di33erent. 0or one thin)! the 2omen a man relates to se6ually 2ill be di33erent& 13 he is a))ressive! he 2ill *robably be most . su''ess3ul . 2ith *assive 2omen. When a 2oman is )oin) alon) 2ith the desires o3 a *ushy man her heart is not really in it! she/s still 2onderin) i3 she made a mistae! i3 she really 2ants to be in bed 2ith him at all.
Cn the other hand! a man 2ho )ives his *ros*e'tive *artner room to maneuver may have 3e2er one%ni)ht su''ess stories to tell! but the 2omen 2ho 'hoose to have se6 2ith him 2ill be truly 2illin)! enthusiasti' *arti'i*ants. She no2s she 2ants to mae love to him! has had time to rea'h 3ull arousal%%she is 'om3ortable and more liely to be a'tive. She is very di33erent than she 2ould be i3 she 2ere inde'isively submittin) to a relentless sedu'er. 4ntil a man has made love to a 2oman 2ho truly desires him o3 her o2n 3ree 2ill! he does not no2 2hat it is lie to be a true lover.
13 a man is *ushy! his se6ual relationshi*s are liely to be short%lived and tense sin'e the 2oman 2ill eventually 3ind a 2ay o3 avoidin) his un2anted advan'es. 13 he is not *ushy! se6uality is more liely to 'ontinue and im*rove sin'e she entered into it o3 her o2n a''ord. 1t 2ill be more truly *assionate and 5oyous! *erha*s even earthshain). Both 2ill be more liely to 'lima6 3ully and 2ith abandon. :e)ardless o3 2hether they be'ome lon)%term lovers! or 3riends! or turn out to be 5ust shi*s *assin) in the ni)ht the e6*erien'e o3 intima'y bet2een them 2ill bond their hearts! brin)in) a smile to their 3a'es 2henever re'alled! 3orever a sour'e o3 s2eet ener)y and *leasure rather than shame and re)ret.
Su'h mutually a)reed%u*on e6*erien'es 'an do a )reat deal to im*rove the overall 'limate in the relationshi*s bet2een men and 2omen. We no2 no2 that 2omen 2ant to be surrounded by roman'e! they lie doin) thin)s to)ether! intimate tal! holdin) hands! tain) 2als! bein) listened to. 9hey 2ant to mae love! have or)asms! and s*end time bein) 'lose a3ter main) love. 9hey lie to be issed on the mouth! on the va)ina! all over; they lie to be 'aressed! 'uddled! 'radled! and hu))ed. 9hey need both *assion and tenderness. More s*e'i3i' *re3eren'es vary 3rom 2oman to 2oman. Nissin)! 3or instan'e! is *re3erred all the 2ay 3rom )entle to rou)h! 3rom dry to 2et! 3rom lon) to short. ?very 2oman has s*e'ial *arts o3 the body that she lies to have 'aressed in a s*e'i3i' 2ay! a''e*t that at times she may 2ant that *arti'ular *art tou'hed di33erently or not at all. 1n other 2ords! i3 she usually lies so3t 'aresses on her breast! she may at other times *re3er them to be s8uee;ed or maybe le3t 'om*letely alone.
Cr i3 at most times she does not lie dire't stimulation o3 her 'litoris! she may desire it durin) inter'ourse . Similarly! some 2omen lie inter'ourse but do not rea'h an or)asm 3rom it! 2hile others rea'h or)asms 3rom inter'ourse but don/t lie it as mu'h as 'unnilin)us or some other 3orm o3 lovemain). 9he same 2omen 2ho lie inter'ourse 2hile mildly aroused may not lie it later 2hen about to 'lima6! or vi'e versa. 1t is not *ossible to )ive anythin) but a sho**in) list o3 2omen/s *re3eren'es 2ithout 3allin) into the error o3 )enerali;ation. Moreover! 2hat any one 2oman 2ill lie 2ill vary de*endin)! *artly. on her mood! the *hase o3 the moon! 2here she is 2hom she is 2ith and 2hy! unlie men 2ho 2ill 'ome under almost any 'ir'umstan'es.
0e2 men today 2ould be naive enou)h to thin that 'limbin) on to* o3 a 2oman and 'omin) in t2o minutes 3lat 'onstitutes )ood love main) te'hni8ue. But that still leaves the 8uestion o3 2hat does. 9hou)h there are 'ertain .rules o3 thumb. the ans2er de*ends 'om*letely on soli'itin) in3ormation 3rom the 2oman involved.! bein) tuned in and res*onsive! and develo*in) a sense 3or the rhythm and 3lo2 o3 the se6ual dan'e.
We no2 no2 that most 2omen Omore than $0 *er'entP do not a'hieve or)asm throu)h inter'ourse! and that a *re3erred method o3 'lima6in) is 'unnilin)us. Let us turn then to that tender embra'e! and other im*ortant ste*s in the dan'e. Cha*ter 9 .9he 9hree CAs o3 Cunnilin)us
Cunnilin)us is the 3oremost alternative to inter'ourse! mentioned re*eatedly by 2omen as a sour'e o3 or)asmi' satis3a'tion. 1n my o*inion! it/s a sill that any man 2ho *ro*oses to be a )ood lover needs to master.
Be'ause it is inde*endent o3 the other ma5or male se6ual attribute Omaintainin) an ere'tionP! it 'an be learned se*arately by any man%%even one 2ho may be troubled 2ith im*oten'e. Cn'e learned! the a2areness and sensitivity involved in hel*in) a 2oman 'ome to or)asm throu)h 'unnilin)us 2ill be bene3i'ial durin) inter'ourse as 2ell. Cunnilin)us *uts the 'litoris and the brain! in the 'losest *ossible 'onta't%%2ith the ton)ue! a hi)hly sensitive! subtle! and *o2er3ul mus'le! as the brid)e bet2een them.
Perha*s it is the *ro6imity o3 the brain to the ton)ue that maes 'unnilin)us an ideal situation in 2hi'h to learn about 2omen/s se6ual res*onse. 9he ton)ue is *re'ise in its movements! and the 2oman/s rea'tion to it 8ui'ly reveals the e33e'tiveness o3 its a'tion; 3eedba' is immediate.
While the ton)ue and li*s are the *rota)onists in 'unnilin)us! the hands *lay im*ortant su**ortin) roles. Pla'ed around her hi*s or on her belly! or 2ith one! t2o! or three 3in)ers in her va)ina! the hands )ather in3on) to the stimulation. 0inally! the ears *i' u* breathin) *atterns and e6*ressions o3 *leasure.
9he three re8uirements o3 *leasurable and e33e'tive 'unnilin)us are& bein) 'lean! 'om3ortable! and 'ommuni'ative. 13 you 2ish to *ursue 'unnilin)us all he 2ay to the 2oman/s or)asm! it/s im*ortant to arran)e 3or the three C/s o3 C.
CL?AD Some men en5oy )ivin) head to a 2oman 2hose )enitals are in a state o3 seasoned ri*eness. 9hat ind o3 a**etite 2ill not )o unnoti'ed and is liely to be a**re'iated. Any man 2ho doesnAt have the taste 3or that ind o3 deli'a'y should 3ind a )entle! ta't3ul 2ay to as her to 2ash. 9he 0ren'h! 2ho are no2led)eable about these matters! have bidets 3or that *ur*ose. 1n the absen'e o3 a bidet! a sho2er or a bath or a 2arm 2ash'loth are a**ro*riate *reludes to oral se6. 9his is also an o**ortunity 3or a man to 2ash his o2n )enitals! somethin) 2hi'h is hi)hly re'ommended to avoid s*readin) lesser va)inal in3e'tions. 13 neither has the *atien'e 3or an eroti' bath or sho2er! he mi)ht moisten a 2ash 'loth and 2his*er . 1/d love to eat you. Can 1 2ash you o33= 1/d love to )ive you a little s*on)e bath. . 9o be )entle and ta't3ul! surround the re8uest in e6*ressions o3 *assion and desire; mae it *lay3ul! so she 2on/t 3eel embarrassed or tae o33en'e. 1t/s best to mae this re8uest be3ore you be)in to )o do2n on her! so she doesn/t thin that it/s her *ersonal smell that you 3ind uni8uely ob5e'tionable. Cleanliness is im*ortant 3or your 'om3ort! so don/t be shy to as.
CCM0C:9ABL? 1t is essential 3or both *artners to be 'om3ortable! sin'e it 'an tae a relatively lon) time 3or the 2oman to 'lima6. 1t is *ossible! in that time! to )et a sti33 ne' or a 'ram* i3 one starts in an un'om3ortable *osition. @ivin) head 2ith one/s ne' bent as is re8uired 2hen the 2oman is lyin) on her ba' and the man is lyin) on his stoma'h 'an be very un'om3ortable 3or some men. Both 'an lie on their sides! but this may be un'om3ortable 3or the 2oman. Pla'in) a *illo2 under her ba' may hel*. Another )ood *osition 3or 'om3ort is 2ith her hi*s at the ed)e o3 the bed and the man on the 3loor neelin) or even sittin) u*. 9his may be un'om3ortable 3or a 2oman 2ho needs to heave her le)s u* to 'ome. 13 so! she 'an 2ra* her le)s around him! *ut her 3eet on his shoulders! or s'oot ba' on the bed enou)h to *ut her 3eet u*. Whatever you s*e'i3i' needs! mae sure you are both 'om3ortable and you/ll be able to tae your time! 2hi'h is essential.
CCMM4D1CA917? 0or some reason *eo*le 3eel a'ute embarrassment about dis'ussin) their *re'ise 2ants and dislies durin) lovemain).
.Many is the time;. one 2oman 'on3essed about her lovemain) 2ith her husband! . 2hen 1 have made love *ain3ully and 2as not able to say anythin) about it. <e 2as su'in) too hard! but he seemed to en5oy it so mu'h that 1 did not 2ant to interru*t. 1 2as able to 'ome all ri)ht! but 1 no2 that 1 'ould have ased him to )o easy and really en5oyed it more..
9he obvious solution is to as& . 1s this too hard= 9oo 3ast= Are you 'om3ortable= . 13 the ans2er is . Sure! . it mi)ht hel* to mae really sure. . @ood! 1 2ant to mae sure be'ause 1 2ant you to really en5oy this. Let me no2 i3 you )et un'om3ortable in any 2ay! oay= . Whenever you 2onder about ho2 she is 3eelin) or 2hether she is en5oyin) 2hat you are doin) or 2hether there is somethin) you 'an do to im*rove it! as and as a)ain until asin) be'omes se'ond nature. Parado6i'ally! bein) able to as 2ill result in your havin) to as less and less as you be'ome more sensitive to the 'lues o3 her *leasures.
9he Art o3 Cunnilin)us
Let us no2 )et to the nuts and bolts o3 the matter! s*ea the uns*eaable! and tal about 5ust ho2 it is done. 0ind the o*enin) o3 the va)ina and then run your ton)ue around it. 9aste your lover/s 2etness and learn to a**re'iate its 3lavor. >o this slo2ly! listenin) to and 3eelin) her res*onses. Put your hands on her hi*s or breasts and hold them or 'aress them. >on/t e6*e't anythin) in *arti'ular! 5ust *ay attention. Pro'eed )ently and slo2ly! let your mind dri3t! *lay a tune or a rhythm 2ith your ton)ue and li*s! rela6 and en5oy her rea'tions. ?ventually! in )ood time! move your ton)ue u*2ards until you 3eel her 'litoris.
9he 'litoris may be heavily hooded and small or e6*osed and lar)e or some 'ombination in bet2een! so you may not be sure 2hether you have 3ound it. 1t may be hel*3ul here to reali;e that the 'litoris is some2hat lie a tiny *enis! a sha3t 2ith a ti* that is very sensitive on the underside. 9he sha3t is 'overed by a retra'table layer o3 sin! 2hi'h may shroud the 3ull len)th o3 the 'litoris or leave the ti* e6*osed. 13 you thin you have 3ound the 'litoris but aren/t sure! you 'an as! .1s that your 'litoris=. She may say yes or she may sho2 you 2ith her 3in)ers 2here it really is. She may also *re3er that you stay a2ay 3rom it some2hat i3 the stimulation is too stron). As her to tell you 2hen you are )ettin) 2arm and 2hen you are ri)ht on it. She may not be sure; in that 'ase you/ll both have to loo 3or it. 9he 'litoris may or may not be ere't; you 2on/t ne'essarily be able to tell 2hen you 3irst 3ind it be'ause a small ere't 'litoris is not that di33erent 3rom a lar)e one that is not ere't. <o2ever! that/s not im*ortant. Lie a man! a 2oman 'an have a 'litoral ere'tion and not be turned on or be 8uite turned on and not be 3ully ere't.
When you 3ind the 'litoris and its ti* be 'are3ul to be very )entle be'ause 3or some 2omen dire't stimulation o3 the ti* o3 the 'litoris 'an 3eel too stron)! even *ain3ul. 9he most sensitive area 3or most 2omen is under the ti* o3 the 'litoris. With the ti* o3 your ton)ue loo 3or that sensitive area. With one or t2o 3in)ers! you 'an slide u* the hood! 2hi'h 2ill hel* you to )et under it. Be a2are o3 her rea'tion. ?6*lore the ti*! the sha3t! the va)inal labia and o*enin)! or )ently su' on the 2hole 'litoris! 2hile listenin) to her res*onse. ?ventually sto* and as her ho2 she 3eels. 13 it is not ri)ht! try a)ain. As a)ain and try a)ain. 9hat 2ill )ive you an idea o3 2hat ind o3 stimulation she lies. Bou no2 have the basi' re8uirements 3or )ivin) )ood head& she is 'lean and s2eet smellin)! you are 'om3ortable! and you are 'ommuni'atin) 2ith ea'h other.
Bou have 3ound the 'litoris. Do2 you are ready to be)in in earnest! and 3rom no2 on there are no rules e6'e*t to tune in and )o 2ith the 3lo2.
1. 1t/s im*ortant not to thin too mu'h about her or)asm. 1t/s mu'h better to 5ust have 3un! not intense *leasure! but 3un! lie 'hasin) a itten or 3lyin) a ite! drivin) a 'urvy road or dan'in) the samba. 1n the *ro'ess you/ll both )et hi)h on se6ual ener)y.
9o en5oy dan'in) or *layin) 2ith a itten you need a res*onsive! lively *artner. 9he same is true here. 9he more your lover 'an o*enly e6*ress ho2 she is rea'tin) to your stimulation! the more you 3eel her move or be still! the more you hear her moan or s8ueal! the more you 2ill be able to 5oin her in the dan'e! )et lost in the 2hirl2ind! and )et hi)h 'hasin) her *leasure 2ith your ton)ue.
13 3or some reason she is not )ivin) you any 3eedba'%%not main) noise or movin)%%or i3 her rea'tion be'omes monotonous! you should *robably sto*. ?6*lain you aren/t sure she is en5oyin) it and as that she let you no2 2hat she lies and 2hat she doesn/t lie.
2. >on/t 'ontinue beyond the *oint that you are en5oyin) it yoursel3. 13 you are )ettin) a sti33 ne' or a sore ton)ue or i3 you are be)innin) to )et bored! don/t )o on. >o somethin) else 3or a 2hile. 1nter'ourse may ee* her e6'itement hi)h! or you 'an use your 3in)ers 2hile issin) her breasts! or use a vibrator. 9ell her 2hat you 2ant to do and 3ind out i3 it/s oay 2ith her. Cr as her 2hat she 2ants to do. A3ter a 2hile you 'an return to 'unnilin)us. Cr not.
F. 1n the midst o3 your ton)ue *lay! your lover may )o 3rom a state o3 se6ual arousal to a ne2! *re%or)asmi' sta)e. 9he most noti'eable 'han)e 2ill be an in'rease in mus'ular tension around her *elvis alternatin) 2ith short *eriods o3 rela6ation 3ollo2ed by in'reasin) tension. <er ba' may ar'h! or her le)s sti33en; she may *ull your hair or *ush hersel3 a)ainst you. She may be)in to tremble. She mi)ht in'rease her sounds o3 *leasure or she may be'ome very still. 9his means that she is 2ithin rea'h o3 an or)asm.
At this *oint you must 3ollo2 her lead& she needs steady and a''urate stimulation to a''umulate the se6ual ener)y to 'arry her over the ed)e. >on/t in'rease the tem*o or intensity o3 your a'tivity! 5ust maintain it steadily and in 'lose res*onsive her movements. 9hin o3 yoursel3 rollin) a marble u*hill 2ith your ton)ue. >on/t let it roll do2n; you need to stay 2ith it to )et over the to*. At this *oint! 2hen or)asm be'omes the ob5e'tive! 2hat your *artner does is as im*ortant as 2hat you do. Bou 'an only *rovide $0 *er'ent o3 the stimulation; she needs to do the rest. 9here is no ma)i' 3ormula; you 'an only do your best! and the rest is u* to her and to 'ir'umstan'es. 9he day! time! and *la'e may be ri)ht or they may not be.
13 she 'omes easily Oand some 2omen 'ome 3ar more easily than othersP! there should be no *roblem. 13 not! 2hat you do may or may not be su33i'ient. Bou/ll 3ind out throu)h e6*erien'e and trial and error. Sometimes! she 2ill lose the a''umulated tension! *erha*s due to the overly intense 'on'entration on her )enitals! 2hi'h may mae her sel3%'ons'ious! *erha*s be'ause your stimulation be'ame too intense or not intense enou)h! or be'ause you lost the beat! or she started thinin) about her or)asm and be'ame an6ious about ho2 lon) it 2as tain). 13 so! 'ontinue as lon) as you are still u* to it! and i3 you aren/t! sto*! do somethin) else! e6*lain that you need a 'han)e.
". Su))est that she use a vibrator or her hand to brin) hersel3 to or)asm. 13 she does! you 'an tae over 2hen she )ets 'lose to it! or you 'an 5ust 2at'h her 'ome. Niss her all over! *lay 2ith her breasts and en5oy her *leasure. While all o3 this is )oin) on! learn as mu'h as you 'an about 2hat her or)asm is lie%%2hat are her *re%or)asmi' movements and sounds! ho2 does she build u* the tension to 'lima6! and 2hen she rea'hes the to*! ho2 does she ride the 'rest! and ho2 does she tae the do2n side o3 the roller 'oaster. Dot only 2ill all o3 this be a *leasure to observe! but it 2ill )ive you valuable in3ormation 3or the 3uture sin'e ea'h *erson has a 'hara'teristi' 2ay o3 'omin) that tends to re*eat itsel3. 0amiliarity 2ith her *attern 2ill be hel*3ul on 3uture o''asions.
So you 2or is 'ut out 3or you. Women have made it 'lear that they 2ant their men to be 2illin) and able to )ive them head. Do2 it/s u* to you to )o do2n to the o''asion 2ith the no2led)e that it 2ill mae her ha**y and that it 2ill mae you all the more desirable to her.
0),3E4 10" 05# 35 6EE, )7 E4E3I57
A very 'ommon res*onse to the 8uestion .What do you 2ant 3rom a man! se6ually=. 2as that he be able to maintain an ere'tion lon) enou)h 3or the 2oman to have an or)asm.
0or men there are t2o ma5or *roblems re)ardin) ere'tions. 0irst! is )ettin) the ere'tion. Se'ond! ee*in) it. 0re8uently! a man 'an )et an ere'tion but 'annot maintain it be'ause o3 a tenden'y to 'ome soon a3ter bein) inside a 2oman.
(etting 't ,/. 13 you are a man 2ho has a *roblem )ettin) an ere'tion! the 3irst thin) to remember is that i3 you ever do be'ome aroused enou)h to )et hard! then your e8ui*ment is in 2orin) 'ondition. 9he reason 2hy you are not )ettin) hard 2ith a 2oman on any *arti'ular o''asion is *sy'holo)i'al or! as the shrins say! in your head Othe one on your shouldersP. 9here is o3 'ourse the de'reased ere'tile ability that 'omes 2ith advan'in) a)e usually in the G0As. But 3or youn)er men unless you have a hormonal disease! diabetes! some sort o3 brain lesion! lo2 blood *ressure! or are abusin) al'ohol or other dru)sTall o3 2hi'h 'an be *hysi'al reasons 3or im*oten'eTyour in'a*a'ity to )et an ere'tion is *sy'holo)i'al.
So! i3 you ever have ere'tionsT2hether in se6ual situations! in the middle o3 the ni)ht! or in the mornin) 2hen you 2ae u*Tyou are not *hysi'ally im*otent. >ealin) 2ith ere'tlile dys3un'tion that has a *hysi'al 'ause is beyond the s'o*e o3 this boo.
9here are t2o main *sy'holo)i'al reasons 2hy a man 'an/t )et an ere'tion 2hen he 2ants it.
1. <e is an6ious. 0ear and se6ual arousal are *hysiolo)i'ally in'om*atible. Maybe Mother Dature 3i)ured that it 2ould be in'onvenient 3or a man 2ith an ere'tion to run 3rom an atta'in) ti)er. 1n any 'ase! they don/t tend to ha**en to)ether.
.9he 3irst time in my li3e that 1 'ouldn/t )et it u* 2as at a se6 *arty. 1 didn/t no2 anybody at the *arty! and this 2oman 2ho had 5ust made love to this )uy 'alled me over and 2anted me to 3u' her. 1 had been attra'ted to her all evenin)! so it didn/t even o''ur to me that 1 mi)ht have a *roblem. 9o my sur*rise 1 didn/t )et the usual instant ere'tion; in 3a't! the harder 1 tried the so3ter 1 )ot. ?ventually! 1 had an e5a'ulation 2ith no ere'tion! 2hi'h 2as totally ne2 to me. 9he disturbin) thin) is that ever sin'e that time 1 have a tenden'y to )et 2orried about )ettin) it u* in ne2 se6ual situations..
13 a man is an6ious about his ere'tion! his an6iety 2ill be'ome a 3a'tor in *reventin) him 3rom )ettin) one. 13 he 3ails to )et an ere'tion! his an6iety in'reases and that 'an 'ause his im*oten'e. 13 this is 'ombined 2ith a *artner 2ho is unsym*atheti' or unattra'tive to him! a vi'ious 'y'le 'an develo* until im*oten'e be'omes absolute.
Conse8uently! the solution 3or im*oten'e is to have se6 2ith 2omen 2ho are both attra'tive to you and sym*atheti' to your *li)ht. 9ell them o3 your an6iety. Women are 3amiliar 2ith the *roblem o3 bein) unable to have an or)asm. 9hey are more liely to a**re'iate you i3 you are o*en and mae yoursel3 vulnerable than i3 you are se'retive and de3ensive.
9his ind o3 understandin) and su**ort is! in 3a't! the 3un'tion o3 a *ro3essional se6 thera*ist or surro)ate! Su'h *ro3essionals 'an *rovide a sym*atheti' se6ual o**ortunity. 13 your morals and your *o'etboo *ermit and i3 you live 2here su'h hel* is available! it is 2orth tryin) i3 you have a *roblem 2ith ere'tions.
C3ten! a man/s ere'tion is in'om*lete rather than 'om*letely absent. 9he *enis may not be 'om*letely hard! but nevertheless it is hard enou)h to insert in the va)ina. Men tend to 3eel that su'h a .hal3 mast. isn/t 2orthy 2oman/s attention! but they are mistaen. 1t/s really oay to rub a semi hard *enis a)ainst a 2oman/s va)ina and even to stu33 it into her. >oin) this 2ill *robably arouse both o3 you enou)h 3or nature to 3ollo2 its 'ourse. :emember that lesbians are able to have *er3e'tly satis3yin) se6 2ithout aid o3 a *enis at all. 9hey do 2ell! than you! and one o3 the 2ays they brin) ea'h other to or)asm is to rub their *ubi' bones a)ainst ea'h other! thereby stimulatin) their 'litorises! somethin) a man 'an do 2ith an in'om*lete ere'tion.
1n any 'ase! on the sub5e't o3 so3t *enises! one 2oman said .1 lie 'omin) 2ith a so3t *enis. 1t 3eels nurturin)! there are times 2hen 1 don/t lie bein) ban)ed. Bou )et to 3eel more! a'tually. 1 lie to 3eel the ere'tion ha**enin) inside me..
9he *oint here is that dealin) 2ith .im*oten'e. 2ith easy)oin) o*enness! 'ommuni'ation! and 'reativity 2ill *ra'ti'ally )uarantee that the *roblem 2ill virtually )o a2ay. 1t/s an6iety! se'retiveness! and ital ri)idity that are res*onsible 3or so%'alled im*oten'e.
Cne 'ommonly ased 8uestion is 2orth ans2erin)& .Why is it that sometimes 1 3ind mysel3 2ith a 2oman 2hom 1 'onsider *er3e't in every 2ay! and 1 'anA t )et it u*=. 9his hellish situation has been no2n to ha**en on o''asion. 9here are! as 2e have seen! several *ossible reasons. Cne is an6iety. 9he e6'ited lover may! at the threshold o3 his 'herished 3antasy 'ome true! suddenly to 8uestion his o2n 2orth and 'a*a'ity. With this *ara)on o3 beauty lyin) re'e*tively be3ore him! he may have a sudden *an) o3 doubt! 2hi'h stries terror into heart and *enis. 13 so! he needs to rela6; e6tremely beauti3ul 2omen are not una''ustomed to this *henomenon. Let him thin about ho2 mu'h he lies her as a *erson and 3or)et ho2 beauti3ul she is. Let him iss her 3a'e and breasts! 'aress her tenderly! s*ea to her 2ith a33e'tion. An6iety 2ill melt a2ay and lovemain) 2ill ha**en in the end.
But *erha*s the *roblem is di33erent. Maybe! as beauti3ul she is! this 2oman isn/t all that se6y. Maybe she is not turned on either. 1 no2 this 'an be a blo2 the e)o. .1 stood be3ore *aradise and 2as not man enou)h to tread u*on it!. you are liely to tell yoursel3. Well! let the 3a't that she 2as at least 2illin) be a salve to your 2ounds and remember that a sense o3 humor 'an )o a lon) 2ay to2ard resolvin) the *roblem one 2ay or another.
1 no2 o3 a man 2ho solved the *roblem by talin) to his 'o' as a *easant 2ould to his relu'tant doney 'om*lainin) at the same time to the e6*e'tant 2oman o3 its insensate stubbornness. 1 2on/t tell you 2hat doney/s *re'ise res*onse 2as! but 1 'an tell you 1 in the end! it hardly mattered.
0e is not t$rned on to the *oman or "isa "ersa. 9his is a'tual healthy res*onse. Men are a''ustomed to believe that i3 a 2oman is 2illin)! a man should be able! re)ardless o3 ho2 he 3eels about her. But it is 8uite *ossible that a man 2ill 3ind himsel3 in bed 2ith a 2oman to 2hom he is not really attra'ted. <e may have )ot involved 2ith her out o3 the male tenden'y to 'olle't 2omen lie not'hes on his belt as a 2ay to stroe his e)o! or he may be )oin) alon) 2ith her desire to have se6 out o3 an un2illin)ness to do a very un%male thin) and turn her do2n. So he is 2ith a 2oman he may or may not lie! but is not really se6ually turned on to. Dot sur*risin)ly he 'anAt )et hard. 1n the *ast! *erha*s in youn)er years! he may have been able to )et a hard%on 2ith anybody! any time! any *la'e; his di33i'ulty is! a3ter all! a si)n o3 se6ual maturity. So he/s )ro2in) u*.
Another even subtler si)n o3 )ro2in) u* is i3 a man doesnAt )et an ere'tion 2ith a 2oman 2ho is hersel3 not turned on. 9his 'an result in a be'almed se6ual situation! 2hi'h eventually may develo* some libidinal ener)y and eventually lead to mutual desire. Mu'h more liely is the situation in 2hi'h both *artners 3ranti'ally *ursue arousal 2ith minimal su''ess and a lot o3 hidden thou)hts o3 inade8ua'y and embarrassment leavin) the both sad and ho*eless.
.When 1 had the e6*erien'e o3 a man not )ettin) ere'tion! my 3irst rea'tion 2as that he 2asn/t turned on to me. 0irst 1 too it *ersonally! but he 2as very ni'e about it. 9hen 1 reali;ed 1 2asnAt turned on mysel3. <e didn/t )et all u*set but 5ust issed and 'uddled me! and 2e sle*t the ni)ht to)ether. ?ventually! 2e did mae love! but it 2as more a 3riendly 3u' than real hot. We )ot to be real )ood 3riends. Se6 2as never that im*ortant! and eventually 2e both 3ound more *assionate loves. When you thin o3 it! 2hen a man 'an/t )et hard it/s no di33erent than a 2oman not )ettin) 2et! and that ha**ens a lot! doesn/t it=.
A man/s la' o3 arousal 2ould! in 3a't! be 3ar better tolerated i3 he 2ere a 2oman. We are sym*atheti' 2hen 2oman 'an/t res*ond to a man she is not attra'ted but 2e don/t )rant ourselves that *rivile)e. We are! a3ter all! men! and 2e have our res*onsibilitiesTone o3 2hi'h O2e ima)ineP is to satis3y the 2omen 2ho need us.
0re8uently! a man have a *roblem )ettin) an ere'tion on the 3irst t2o or three ni)hts 2ith a 2oman. 9his is 'ertainly understandableTas understandable as a 2oman not havin) an or)asm on the 3irst 3e2 se6ual en'ounters 2ith a man. We need only a'no2led)e the 3a't 2ithout / embarrassment! and mae love in other 2ays.
1ee/ing 't There. Many men )et an ere'tion readily enou)h but have di33i'ulty in *reventin) or)asm soon a3ter *enetration. 3eelin) o3 bein) inside a 2oman is so 2el'ome! sensuous! and over2helmin)ly deli'ious that 2e sim*ly lose 'ontrol and 2ant to let )o. Lettin) )o is! a3ter all 2hat se6 is su**osed to be about; one 'an hardly blame us 3or doin) so 2hen 2hat 2e yearn 3or 3inally be'omes reality.
4n3ortunately! most 2omen! even i3 they en5oy man/s e'stasies! are not able to be 2holly em*atheti' 2ith this abandon. 9hey 2ould lie us to stay 2ith t until they 'an 'lima6 too! so 2e must learn to a''ommodate them.
Bou may res*ond by su))estin) that it is all ri)ht the man to 'ome 3irst and then hel* the 2oman. 9his is theoreti'ally 'orre't! but it doesn/t 2or very 2ell reality. 9he *roblem is! as 2omen have noti'ed! usual male res*onse to or)asm is slumber. Be'ause o3 the e6*enditure o3 our *re'ious bodily 3luids or 2hatever! 2e o3ten 2ant to slee* soon a3ter e5a'ulation. Also! inter'ourse or other lovemain) 'an be'ome borin) or even *ain3ul a3ter or)asm! 3or both men and 2omen. So it/s 2ise that 2hen one 'lima6es! the other 3ollo2 'lose behind. Men )enerally 'ome easier than 2omen. Conse8uently! it/s sim*ly a )ood idea 3or the 2oman to 'lima6 3irst. And that re8uires that a man learn to develo* some stayin) *o2er.
Learnin) is all it taes. 9o learn! you need *ra'ti'e. What you need to *ra'ti'e is sim*ly sto**in) stimulation in time to *revent or)asm. 1n other 2ords! any se6ually healthy *erson 2ill have an or)asm i3 su33i'iently and *ro*erly stimulated. 1t is basi'ally )ood that you are so stron)ly e6'ited 2hen you are inside your lover. 1t 2ould be a shame to try to 'han)e that. When men 'ontrol their e5a'ulation by 'ountin) ba'2ard by thirteens 3rom 3ive thousand! or by revie2in) in their minds the 'om*onent *arts o3 a motor'y'le en)ine! they are )oin) about it the 2ron) 2ay; the 'onse8uen'e may be a .2ooden *enis. on an absent man! 2hi'h most 2omen 2ill not ne'essarily a**re'iate Othe absent *artP. 9he solution is not to be'ome ri)id and 'ontrollin) but to 'ome to the ver)e o3 or)asm and sto*! *ull ba'! or! i3 ne'essary! out.
4nder e6treme 'ir'umstan'es! it 'an be e33e'tive to use the .s8uee;e. te'hni8ue invented by Masters and Hohnson! 2hi'h is sim*ly to )ri* your *enis around its ne' bet2een the head and the sha3t until it loses the e5a'ulatory e6'itement. Personally! 1 'onsider this a**roa'h some2hat brutal! even i3 e33e'tive! sin'e lesser measures 2ill 2or 2ell enou)h 2ithout su'h violen'e.
Basi'ally! 1 re'ommend that the man O*re3erably on to* 2here he has better 'ontrolP slo2ly insert his *enis and 'are3ully a**roa'h the .*oint o3 no return.. Hust be3ore that *oint 'omes! he should sto* or *ull out until his e6'itement subsides. 9hen he 'an start a)ain! sto*! start a)ain! sto*! and so on. 13 he 3ails to 'ontrol his or)asm! he 2ent too 3ar.
<e needs to 3i)ure out that 2atershed *oint o3 no return! 2hi'h may tae several trials. 9he more o3ten he does this! the more 'ontrol he 2ill )ain over his e5a'ulation. Althou)h this te'hni8ue 'an be *ra'ti'ed 2hile masturbatin)! 2hat is most desirable is a sym*atheti' *artner 2ho is 2illin) to be *atient! 'ommuni'ative! and 'reative.
?ventually! and this may tae si6 months to a year o3 *ra'ti'e! a man 2ill be able to 'ontrol his e5a'ulation durin) inter'ourse by varyin) the rhythm or am*litude o3 his thrusts 2hile ee*in) u* his lover/s e6'itement. <e 2ill 'ome to the ed)e o3 e6'itement 2ithout e5a'ulatin)! a3ter 2hi'h his arousal 2ill subside some2hat. <e 'an then thrust a)ain and maintain this *ro'ess inde3initely.
7ery o3ten a man/s in'a*a'ity to *revent e5a'ulation is 'onne'ted 2ith in3re8uent se6. 1n su'h situations it/s a )ood idea to *lan to have t2o or)asms. 9he 3irst or)asm 'an be throu)h masturbation! 3ellatio! or inter'ourse. 9he se'ond or)asm 2ill be a lot easier to 'ontrol than the 3irst one.
Some 2omen may 3ind it 3rustratin) to sto* and )o! in this sto* and )o! in this 3ashion. 9he man must be a2are o3 this and 'ontinue to stimulate her manually or orally 2hile 'almin) himsel3 do2n and bein) eternally than3ul 3or her 3orebearan'e. 13 he 'an *revent his or)asm 2ithout 2ithdra2in) by lyin) very still! the *ressure o3 his *ubi' bone on her 'litoris 2ith some 3in)er *lay may ee* her aroused. She may even 'ome. At this time! o3 'ourse! he 'an ha**ily let )o! sin'e all o3 this sel3%'ontrol is really desi)ned to )ive her enou)h time to rea'h a 'lima6.
9his rein3or'es a very im*ortant *ointTmaintainin) an ere'tion durin) inter'ourse involves the 2oman as mu'h as the man. 13 the 2oman isn/t en5oyin) hersel3 and 2orin) her 2ay to2ard an or)asm! the *rolon)ation o3 inter'ourse be'omes *ointless. Aimless inter'ourse is all ri)ht 3or a 2hile! but eventually a 'oordination bet2een the t2o *artners has to o''ur! or the man 2ill be tem*ted to let )o. <e needs to no2 2here she is! that she 2ants him to )o on! and that 2hat he is doin) 3eels )ood. Cne 2ay to do this is to a)ree mutually that he 2on/t voluntarily 'ome unless it is oay 2ith her.
.Can 1 'ome=. .Dot yet! 5ust a little lon)er .... .Are you 'lose=. .Maybe. Let/s ee* )oin).. .Cay! but 1/ve )ot to sto* 3or a bit.. .0ine! 1/m havin) )reat 3un.. .Ch oh! 'an 1 'ome no2=. .>o you really 2ant to=. .1t 2ould be ni'e.. .Cay. >on/t move and let me mae you 'ome.. .9hat 2as )reat.. .Beah! )uess 2hat! 1 'ame too!. or .1 loved it. Do2 it/s my turn%%eat me!. or .9hat/s )reat! my turn ne6t time! let/s 5ust 'uddle..
A man 2ho learns both these sillsT'unnilin)us and maintainin) an ere'tionTis liely to 3ind that the 2omen he relates to se6ually 2ill have or)asms easier and o3tenerT2hile he 2ill in'rease en5oyment o3 his o2n. the t2o male se6ual sills! im*ortant as they are! only the be)innin) o3 2hat a man has to no2 and to be 'onsidered a )ood lover.
When a man loves a 2oman! there are some serious 'onsiderations he needs to *ay attention to re)ardin) their se6ual relationshi*. 1n the *ast! men have o3ten i)nored these 'on'erns or assumed that they are the 2oman/s *roblem. But avoidin) these sometimes%un*leasant 3a'ts o3 li3e 'an only 'reate bi))er *roblems in the 3uture! so they need to be 'onsidered by a res*onsible and lovin) man.
Birth Control
A man 2ho is not 3ully a2are o3 the need 3or mutually res*onsible birth 'ontrol 'annot be 'onsidered a )ood lover. 4nless a 2oman is sterile or the man has a vase'tomy! *re)nan'y is )oin) to be a 'on'ern that he needs to *arti'i*ate in. When main) love! nobody 2ants to have to bother 2ith 5ellies! 'ondoms! or dia)rams. Pra'ti'in) 'ontra'e*tion is a dra) on se6uality. Many men sim*ly i)nore the issue. 9he 2oman! le3t 2ith the burden o3 res*onsibility! may 5ust 'ross her 3in)ers and ho*e that she is not ovulatin). Cr! a 'ou*le may *ra'ti'e hal3 measures lie coitus interruptus O*ullin) out! to you and meP or havin) inter'ourse 3or a 2hile be3ore he 'omes some other 2ay. Sometimes this method 2ors; most o3ten it doesn/t and *re)nan'y 3ollo2s! sin'e men se'rete s*erm in seminal 3luids be3ore rea'hin) or)asm. 1n the 'ase o3 an un2anted *re)nan'y! abortion is an obvious 'onsideration. <o2ever! even i3 2e e6'lude 2omen 3or 2hom abortion is morally in'on'eivable! terminatin) a *re)nan'y is no sim*le matter. A 2oman may e6*erien'e )reat dis'om3ort and *ain be3ore! durin)! and a3ter the o*eration. She/ll lose 2or. She may be nauseated 3or 2ees be3ore and bleed 3or 2ees a3ter. She may have to have a se'ond abortion be'ause the 3irst didn/t 2or. ?very one o3 these misha*s has ha**ened to one or another a'8uaintan'e o3 mine. 9hese o''urren'es seem to be the rule rather than the e6'e*tion. Abortion! moreover! is a loss%%no matter 2hat you believe about 2hen human li3e be)ins. 9he loss o3 a 3etus 'an be a sorro23ul! 2ren'hin) e6*erien'e 3or a 2oman and a man. Many *eo*le e6*erien'e an abortion 2ith the same )rie3 and mournin) as a death in the 3amily.
So! thou)h it may be 'onvenient 3or men to thin o3 abortions as re)rettable but minor in'onvenien'es about 2hi'h they need not 2orry! the 3a't is that 2hile some are unevent3ul! many are not! and none are easy. 9here3ore! be3ore main) love 2ith a 2oman! the only res*onsible 'ourse o3 a'tion 3or a man is to have a thorou)h 'onversation 2ith her about birth 'ontrol. Besides! it is in his interest to have a 'on3ident! 'om3ortable *artner rather than one 2ho is 3ear3ul and 2orried. <as she been *re)nant= What birth 'ontrol does she use or *re3er= Would she rather not have inter'ourse= And 2hile they/re on the sub5e't! is she sus'e*tible to irritations! or yeast or other in3e'tions= 9his may sound dread3ul. >o 1 really mean to su))est that in the midst o3 *assionate es'alation to2ard love%main)! as ;i**ers melt a2ay and )arments 3ly into the 2ind! 2e are su**osed to sto* and say! .Wait a minute! let/s tal about birth 'ontrol and diseases= 9hatAs not ho2 it )oes in the moviesKE A man may 3eel that to )et into a serious 'onversation at that *oint 2ould obviously ruin the o''asion. .13 it/s a *roblem!. you mi)ht 8ui*! .she/ll brin) it u*. 9he 3a't that she doesn/t means everythin) is all ri)ht..
Wron)K She *robably 3inds the matter as embarrassin) as you do. ?verythin) may be oay! in 3a't! but you never no2 3or sure! and even i3 it is! she 2ill a**re'iate your asin) and your 'on'ern 2ill endear you to her all the more. And 'ertainly both o3 you should 3ind out 2hether either o3 you has A1>S or any other disease.
0inally let me *rovide some in3ormation about *re)nan'y! 2hi'h! to my sur*rise! 1 have 3ound some other2ise 'lever *eo*le to be 'on3used about&
QA 2oman 'an )et *re)nant durin) her *eriod. Cvulation and menstruation are not al2ays as se*arate as they are su**osed to be! and a s*erm 'an survive 3or days 2ithin a 2oman/s body.
Q?5a'ulation is not ne'essary 3or *re)nan'y; inter'ourse 2ithout e5a'ulation 'an brin) about *re)nan'y be'ause o3 s*erm%laden! *re% e5a'ulatory male se'retions.
QA 2oman does not have to have an or)asm to )et *re)nant.
Male Contra'e*tion
Let us s*ea o3 rubbers and vase'tomies. Provided they don/t brea or 'ome o33! rubbers are the most e33e'tive 3orm o3 me'hani'al 'ontra'e*tion. 9here3ore! you must no2 ho2 to use them. Do2! rubbers are a di33i'ult sub5e't 3or men and believe it or not! 1 don/t 3eel e8ual to the tas. Let me 8uote Coa'h Al ?llis/ lo'er room s*ee'h to the boys o3 the vi'torious San :emo <i)h 19-$ )raduatin) 'lass&
.Cay men! this is a *e* tal. 9oday 1 am )oin) to tell you about rubbers and 2innin). Do2 you no2 that 1 2ould not send you to the sho2ers 2ith your so's on or that 1 2ould not as you to )et into a hot tub in your rain'oats! but this! believe me! is im*ortant! and it/s not so bad as you )uys seem to thin it is.
.9he deal 2ith rubbers is that it/s all in the 2rist; *uttin) them on is 2hat 1 mean. Bou 'an *ut on a rubber 2ron)! and it is )oin) to 3eel lie you are stirrin) your thin) in a bo6 o3 'ra'ers! not to s*ea o3 ho2 it is )oin) to 3eel to the lu'y lady. But i3 you no2 ho2 to *ut them on! rubbers 'an be almost as )ood as the naed item.
.So listen u*. 9he se'ret o3 the rubber is lubri'ation. Do2 you )uys no2 about lubri'ation. 1t/s no )ood i3 it is the 2ron) ind or i3 it doesn/t rea'h all the *arts 2hi'h are rubbin) a)ainst ea'h other. So! you need *ro*er lubri'ation on the inside o3 the rubber bet2een you and it! and on the outside bet2een it and the lady. Bet2een you and me! 1 no2 o3 no better lubri'ant 3or the inside o3 your rubber than your very o2n s*it. Do2! the stu33 that 'omes 2ith the so%'alled lubri'ated 'ondoms is no )ood; it doesn/t slide. S*it 2ors! it sli*s and slides! and it/s the best. So you )et *lenty o3 s*it around the head o3 your member and roll the rubber all the 2ay u* to the old *ubi' bone. >on/t lubri'ate the ne'! be'ause you 2ant the rubber to sti' rather than sli* o33 durin) the heat o3 en)a)ement.
.Cay! 3or the lubri'ation outside o3 your rubber the ideal! o3 'ourse! is the natural lubri'ation o3 a really 5ui'y 2oman. 1t/s a really )ood idea not to )o inside a 2oman until she is )ood and 2et. But some 2omen don/t lubri'ate that mu'h! even i3 they are su*er turned on! so in that s'enario s*it is still )ood. 9he *roblem is that s*it has )erms in it and 'ould 'ause irritations and in3e'tion in the lady/s va)ina! so you better tal it over 2ith her. She may 2ant to try your s*it or hers! or she may 2ant to use some 'ommer'ially available lubri'ant. 9he *roblem 2ith store%bou)ht lubri'ants is that some *eo*le 3eel they stin)! and they de3initely taste 3unny.
.@oin) ba' to *uttin) on the rubber! you need to really lubri'ate the inside o3 it i3 it/s )oin) to 3eel )ood. 13 you have a *roblem 2ith s*it! maybe you have a dry mouth 3rom breathin) so hard; then 2ater 2ill do almost as 2ell.
.1 no2! this sounds lie a lot o3 trouble! but the *oint is that birth 'ontrol is a ne'essary bother! and a 'onsiderate man 2ill share the res*onsibility o3 it. 9he lady 2ill a**re'iate it! 1 no2 Mrs. ?llis does.
.Do2 let me tell you about embarrassment. Some )uys are so embarrassed about these thin)s that they 2ould rather 5ust 3or)et about them; loo the other 2ay! i3 you no2 2hat 1 mean! into her eyes! and 3or)et 2hat/s )oin) on do2n there. Some )uys even lose their hard they )et so embarrassed. Well! i3 you are )oin) to lose your hard you better )et over bein) embarrassed; looin) the other 2ay is not! 1 re*eat! not an o*tion this season. 1t used to be that all 2e 'ared about is s'orin)! ri)ht=
Well! s'orin) isn/t )ood enou)h any more; 2e have to be thou)ht3ul! ind! and 'onsiderate! or 2e/ll s'ore on'e and then )et 'ut! and 1 don/t mean maybe. .9hese this is a ne2 millenium! 3ello2s! and this is Ameri'a! and the 2ord is res*onsibility! and 2e are talin) about res*onsibility 3or birth 'ontrol and disease *revention! and 2e are talin) about sharin) it 3air and s8uare. So )et out there and learn the art o3 *uttin) on those rubbers and not bein) embarrassed and )ettin) it on 2ith the lady o3 your 'hoi'e so that she/ll 'hoose you the ne6t time around. Bou 'an do the ri)ht thin) and 1 no2 you 2ill. @o )et them..
So s*oe Coa'h ?llis and he 2as ri)ht. :ubbers! *rovided they don/t 'ome o33 or brea! are the most e33e'tive 3orm o3 me'hani'al 'ontra'e*tion. 1n addition! they are the only e33e'tive method to *revent 'onta)ion or disease. 4n3ortunately! many men seem to have a )reat *hobia a)ainst them. @ranted! inter'ourse is more *leasant 2ithout them. Devertheless! that is no reason 3or the adamant re3usal o3 their use by some men. 9o be re)arded as a 'onsiderate lover a man must be able and 2illin) to use 'ondoms.
7ase'tomy
7ase'tomies are the other method o3 male birth 'ontrol. Brie3ly! a vase'tomy is a minor sur)i'al *ro'edure that taes about 1$ minutes and is usually done in a do'tor/s o33i'e under lo'al anestheti'. 1t 'osts about X $00. 9he o*eration involves the 'uttin) o3 the vas de3erens! the tube that 'arries s*erm 3rom the testi'les to the *enis. A3ter the tubes are 'ut! the loose ends are tied. 1n this 2ay the s*erm *rodu'ed by the testes are blo'ed and dissolve. 9he s*erm a''ounts 3or only ten *er'ent o3 a man/s 'ome! so e5a'ulation 'ontinues to o''ur. 7ase'tomies have no *roven ne)ative lon)%term e33e'ts! thou)h 'onsiderable dis'om3ort 'an o''ur 3or as lon) as a month a3ter the o*eration. Men/s lar)est 3ear about vase'tomy is that it/s a sort o3 semi%'astration that 2ill demas'ulini;e them or 2orse! leave them im*otent.
7ern! a man 2ho eventually obtained a vase'tomy! told me o3 his doubts& .1 2as 3orty%three years old and had t2o 'hildren. 1 am divor'ed and over the last 3ive years 1 had been thinin) o3 )ettin) a vase'tomy! but someho2 1 2as a3raid that it 2ould tae a2ay my se6uality.
Cne thin) 1 2as a3raid about is that 2omen 2ould thin me less se6y or that it 2ould have some ind o3 lon)%term e33e't. 1 had heard that there 2ere sus*e'ted 'ir'ulation and heart *roblems. But 2hat really 2orried me 2as the loss o3 se6uality. .What eventually 'aused me to )et the o*eration is that 1 2as involved in a 'ou*le o3 un2anted *re)nan'ies and de'ided that 1 never a)ain 2anted to *arti'i*ate in the *ain and heartbrea o3 an abortion. So 1 2ent ahead. .1 have 3ound out that 1 3eel as se6y as ever and that 2omen/s usual rea'tion 2hen they 3ind out about it is one o3 )reat relie3 and a**re'iation. 1 am really )lad that 1 did it and have never had any re)rets. 1n 3a't! every so o3ten 1 3or)et that 1 am sterile so 1 'ertainly don/t 3eel any loss o3 manhood..
:e'ently! vase'tomies are bein) reversed! thou)h the su''ess rate is about $0% $0 and the *ro'edure is e6*ensive. Considerin) all the 3a'ts about male and 3emale birth 'ontrol methods! and ho2 mu'h more o3 a burden the re*rodu'tive *ro'ess tends to be on the 2oman! it seems that 2hen a man loves a 2oman! he 2ould seriously 'onsider a vase'tomy as the 3orm o3 birth 'ontrol in a relationshi*! )iven that he has de'ided that he no lon)er 2ants to have 'hildren.
When Dot to <ave 1nter'ourse
9here are a number o3 reasons 2hy a3ter a dis'ussion you should not have inter'ourse&
Q9here is no birth 'ontrol available! Q9he birth 'ontrol available is not 3ully satis3a'tory Oe.).! she doesn/t trust rubbers! and you don/t trust dia*hra)msP . QCne o3 you has an in3e'tion or irritation. QCne o3 you has a S9> Ose6ually transmitted diseaseP.
13 3or some reason you de'ide not to have inter'ourse! you must not assume you 'an/t have se6. 4nless you have a disease there are a number o3 deli)ht3ul! mutually satis3yin) alternative 2ays to mae love& 'unnilin)us! 3ellatio! and mutual masturbation. With the 2oman on her stoma'h you 'an s*ill your semen on her ba' and then )ive her a massa)e 2ith it. 9he semen 2ill a't as a vanishin) 'ream and be 'om*letely! odorlessly absorbed into her sin! leavin) it velvet smooth. Cr! she 'an eat you until you 'ome! not s2allo2! and then )ive you a 'hest or ba' rub 2ith it. 1n the *ast! anal inter'ourse 2ould have been in'luded in a list o3 alternatives to )enital inter'ourse! but no2 it has been determined that this 3orm o3 inter'ourse is one o3 the *rimary 2ays in 2hi'h A1>S is s*read. Conse8uently! 'aution is advised re)ardin) anal inter'ourse. 13 you do de'ide to en)a)e in anal inter'ourse! you should never do so 2ithout a 'ondom.
9his has been said a thousand times! but it bears re*eatin). 9he im*ortant as*e't o3 main) love is the 3ull sin 'onta't! the tenderness! the en5oyment! the e'stasies o3 or)asm. Whether this is a'hieved throu)h inter'ourse or some other means is not as im*ortant as ensurin) that both *artners are rela6ed! 3ree o3 an6iety! and there3ore o*en to the 3ullest *ossible en5oyment. 9he insisten'e on inter'ourse as the only valid 3orm o3 se6ual lovemain) is an obsta'le to se6ual 3ul3illment.
>isease Prevention
4nless you both have been 'elibate 3or a lon) time! venereal disease! S9>! has to be 'onsidered 2hen you are about to mae love to a 2oman 3or the 3irst time. 9he reasons 3or tain) res*onsibility to initiate this dis'ussion are similar to the reasons 3or initiatin) the 'onversation about birth 'ontrol& She may be 'on'erned about it and relu'tant to brin) it u*. So be a )entleman and deal 2ith it. 13 you have her*es! it is ne'essary that you mention it! even i3 it isn/t an a'tive 'ase. Dot mentionin) it 'ould ruin the rest o3 your relationshi*! or your re*utation%%not to s*ea o3 the disastrous 'onse8uen'es o3 *assin) it on to her. 13 you don/t have her*es! then it/s im*ortant to mae sure she doesn/t either! and i3 she does! mae sure to tae *re'autions. <ere is some in3ormation 2orth ee*in) in mind&
Q Bou must 2ash yoursel3 thorou)hly 2ith soa* and 2ater be3ore havin) va)inal inter'ourse i3 aP you have had inter'ourse 2ith someone else! or i3 bP you have had anal inter'ourse.
Both o3 these instan'es are liely to de*osit ba'teria on your *enis that 2ill multi*ly and 'ould 'ause in3e'tion in your *artner. ?ven i3 you 2ashed on'e! you should 2ash be3ore inter'ourse be'ause over a *eriod o3 time! a 3e2 bu)s remainin) a3ter your initial 2ashin) 'an *roli3erate.
Q 13 a 2oman is *rone to bladder in3e'tions! or i3 the man is a lot heavier! she should be on to* 2hen havin) inter'ourse be'ause the man%above *osition tends to *ush ba'teria into her urinary tra't. 1n any 'ase! a 2oman should urinate soon a3ter inter'ourse to 3lush out ba'teria that may have been 3or'ed into her urinary tra't.
1nter'ourse 2hen the 2oman is not lubri'ated 'an be dan)erous in addition to bein) un*leasant. Abrasions and lesions 'an result! 2hi'h are o**ortunities 3or in3e'tion.
>isease *revention and birth 'ontrol are e6tremely im*ortant issues to 2omen! and a man 2ho taes them seriously 2ill be )reatly a**re'iated 3or his 'on'ern. When you tae time to deal 2ith these *roblems! you are layin) the 3oundation 3or mutual res*e't and )reater intima'y in the relationshi*.
Chapter 1). *ills$ Chills an+ Thrills
Do2 that 2e have the do2ners o3 se6 behind us! 2e 'an )o on to its deli)hts& the s*e'ial treats and )ourmet deli'a'ies o3 thou)ht3ul and so*histi'ated se6uality.
Comin) 9o)ether
?veryone 2ho/s ever 2ritten about se6 has a *ersonal *re3eren'e that! in some 2ay or another! 3inds its 2ay into his or her 2ritin)s. Whether it be 3ellatio! anal or tantri' se6! or 2hat have you! a *re3eren'e 2ill be hi)hli)hted by the author not ne'essarily 'ons'iously. 9o avoid this ind o3 embarrassment! 1 2ill dis'lose in advan'e that my se6ual ne plus ultra is simultaneous or)asm! *re3erably throu)h inter'ourse.
An or)asm is a thrillin) out*ourin) o3 ener)y. 9he ener)eti' release o3 or)asm is *leasurable enou)h by itsel3! but 2hen 1 am bein) bathed in another *erson/s out*ourin) as my o2n or)asm o''urs! my *leasure is syner)isti'ally multi*lied. What is )iven is returned a hundred3old! 'reatin) a di;;yin) maelstrom o3 'ir'ular motion! in 2hi'h ordinary 'ons'iousness is trans3ormed into 8uintessential! timeless *leasure. Comin) to)ether re8uires t2o *eo*le 2ho have reasonably )ood 'ontrol over their or)asm. Whoever arrives at the ed)e 3irst needs to be able to hold ba' 2hile the other )ets there too. Sometimes this 'an be'ome a )ame; both *artners 2ill hold ba' and . ride the ed)e . until one 'an/t 2ait any more. A 3riendly 'ontest 'an develo* to see 2ho 'an brin) the other to lose 'ontrol.
1n my e6*erien'e! the best or)asms o''ur 2hen! a3ter 'omin) to the very ver)e! both *artners be'ome still! movin) ever so sli)htly! 5ust enou)h to stay on that ed)e 3or minutes at a time%%%then deliberately let )o! all at on'e and to)ether! ridin) the roller 'oaster to the eventual bottom. 1t seems that the lon)er or)asm is held ba' the better it eventually 3eels. 9his! in'identally! need not be only throu)h inter'ourse. A man 'an masturbate 2hile he eats his *artner. She 'an masturbate or he 'an stimulate her manually 2hile inside her. 9hey 'an both masturbate 2hile in ea'h other/s arms! or they 'an even 'ome to)ether over the *hone or internet.
As 1 *ointed out be3ore! not everyone en5oys simultaneous or)asms. Some *eo*le *re3er to tae turns! to en5oy their o2n and their *artners se*arately. 1 mention it here as a 2ay o3 'on3essin) my o2n bias and as an additional ar)ument 3or the develo*ment o3 e5a'ulatory 'ontrol.
9he Sounds o3 Love
9he instin'tive thin) to do 2hen main) love and en5oyin) it is to mae sounds. 4n3ortunately! 2e tend to su**ress su'h e6hibitions o3 5oy be'ause 2e are to ashamed! or embarrassed! or be'ause the 2alls bet2een our bedroom and the nei)hbors it'hen are *a*er thin. 9he en5oyment o3 se6 de*ends a )reat deal on lettin) )o; lettin) )o o3 inhibitions! o3 *hysi'al tension! or movin)! talin)! and sin)in) the *raises o3 love. A se6ual *artner 2ho lets )o o3 his or her voi'e 2hen main) love 'an be e6tremely e6'itin).
.When 1 2as married! my husband and 1 made love totally 8uietly. We en5oyed it all ri)ht! but 1 had no idea 2hat 2e 2ere missin). 9hen a3ter 2e divor'ed 1 met a man 2ho the 3irst time he 'ame 2ith me! s'ared me *ra'ti'ally to death. 1 thou)ht he 2as havin) a heart atta'. A3ter 1 reali;ed that those 2ere normal lovemain) sounds! and he be))ed me to mae sounds too! my se6ual e6*erien'e be'ame a 2hole other thin). Lie the di33eren'e bet2een a sti3led little snee;e and a head%'learin)! earthshain) snorter. .
.With some )uys! you 'an/t tell 2hen they are 'omin)! you 'an 5ust tell that it/s all over 3rom the 2ay they rela6. 1 3eel 'heated 2hen that ha**ens. At least 1 2ant to no2 2hen he is havin) the *leasure o3 or)asm. 1 love to be a2are o3 the 2ay his or)asm builds and 2hen he lets )o. 1 2ant to be ri)ht there tain) it all in. 9he louder the better as 3ar as 1 am 'on'erned..
1t is a rare lu6ury! )iven ho2 2e are usually surrounded by *eo*le! to )ive 3ull vent to the sounds o3 lovemain). But it is an in'om*arable e6*erien'e 2orth *ursuin). Sometime 2hen you 'an tae your lover to a mountain or seashore 3ar a2ay 3rom *eo*le! arran)e to mae love out in the o*en 2here you 'an let )o o3 any amount o3 noise you mi)ht 'are to mae. 13 you su''eed in lettin) )o! it may s*oil your 3uture love main) in situations 2here you have to sti3le your *leasure! but at least you 2ill no2 2hat you are missin). And i3 you 'an/t 3ind the ind o3 o*en s*a'es 1/m re'ommendin)! 1 understand that an a**ro6imately similar e33e't 'an be a'hieved in the ba' o3 a *i'u* on a Cali3ornia 3ree2ay under the hot starry summer ni)ht sy&
:e*orted one o3 my intervie2ees& .My )irl3riend and 1 2ere on a double date 2ith this other 'ou*le. We had taled about 2antin) to mae love and havin) no *la'e to do it. So 2e a)reed to tae turns tru'in) and 3u'in). 0irst! 2e drove and they made love. We had the radio on 3ull blast listenin) to 'ountry musi' and drove do2n the lonely hi)h2ay. 13 a tru' 'ame 'lose! 2e slo2ed do2n or s*eeded u* so that no one 'ould really see 2hat 2as )oin) on. 9hen it 2as our turn! and they returned the 3avor. 9he best *art is that 2e 'ould 2hoo* and holler and mae all the noise 2e 2anted to mae. 1t 2as )reat and a little s'ary and very e6'itin). 9han @od 3or *i'u*s! hi)h2ays! 'ountry musi'! and )ood 3riends..
7ibrators
Men tend to be uneasy about vibrators. Some o3 us rea't to them as i3 they re*resented a 'hallen)e to our manhood. . Why should she need Lor en5oyM a me'hani'al devi'e 2hen she has my ma)ni3i'ent tool= . 2e as! or . <o2 'an 1 'om*ete 2ith a me)a2att turbo%*ro*elled )ad)et lie that= She/s )oin) to )et addi'ted to it and never need me a)ain! . or . 1t/s not natural; there must be somethin) 2ron) 2ith her! the 2ay she en5oys it. . 7ibrators 5oined the se6ual revolution 2ith the advent o3 the 2omen/s movement. At 3irst they 2ere seen by some 2omen as reliable and trouble%3ree alternatives to the hassles o3 se6 2ith men. 7ibrators didn/t )et tired; they didn/t sto* 2orin) or start snorin) at mid% or)asm. 9hey 'ould be turned o33 at any time 2ithout *rotest! made no demands! and did not )et you *re)nant. So! in a 2ay! men/s rea'tions are not totally o33 the mar; many a 2oman has 'onsidered dum*in) a troublesome man 2hen she dis'overed one o3 these hi)h%te'h! made in Asia! 'om*etitors. When 1 2as dis'ussin)! 3i3teen years a)o! to )et the 3irst edition o3 this boo *ublished in 0ran'e the *ublisher 2anted to e6'lude this se'tion. I0ren'h 2omen donAt need vibro masseursE he 'laimed. 9he boo 2as never *ublished in 0ran'e.
A'tually! it/s 8uite all ri)ht to enter into a three%2ay relationshi* 2ith a 2oman and her vibrator. A tou'h o3 'om*etition 'an be a )ood thin)! and the 3a't is that some 2omen Onot allP have a *er3e'tly easy and 3un time 'omin) 2ith the hel* o3 one o3 these little hel*ers 2hen they mi)ht 3ind it hard or im*ossible to do so 2ithout it. My su))estion is that you mae 3riends 2ith the little bu))er and brin) him into the 3amily. A vibrator 'an 'ome in mi)hty handy at that *oint in lovemain) 2hen you have tried everythin)! are )ettin) a 'ram*! and mi)ht be tem*ted to )ive u*. <e& . Would you lie to try the vibrator! my s2eet= . She& . >o you mind! honey'aes= . <e& . Dot at all! darlin); 2hy don/t you )o ahead! and 1/ll 'ome into your su)ar 2alls 3rom behind= . or . Why don/t you use our little buddy! and 1/ll hold you in my arms . ?ither 2ay 'ould turn a 3rustratin) ordeal into a ri*%roarin) 3un time.
Cons'ious Con'e*tion
With all o3 this tal about se6! *eo*le o3ten 3or)et that a ma5or 3un'tion o3 se6uality is 'on'e*tion. Se6uality and the matin) ritual are an instin't%driven 3orm o3 re*rodu'tive behavior u*on 2hi'h 2e have elaborated a uni8ue human a'tivity! main) love. Love is not a *rere8uisite o3 'on'e*tion! but 2hen love is a 'om*onent! the se6ual e6*erien'e rea'hes an e6traordinary *ea. . We had no2n ea'h other 3or 3ive years! and loved ea'h other be3ore 2e ever had se6. When 2e did! it 2as 3abulous. We both 2anted to have a 'hild! and 2hen 2e 3inally de'ided to and made love 2ithout 'ontra'e*tives! 2ithout 3ears! 2ith 'om*lete abandon! the e6*erien'e 2as 2ithout e8ual in all o3 my years o3 lovemain).. .Cur se6uality 2as e6tremely *o2er3ul 2ith ea'h other! and 2e usually 'ame to)ether. She usually started 'omin) and her va)inal 'ontra'tions )ot me o33! but there 2as al2ays the 'ontra'e*tive! the rubber or dia*hra)m bet2een us! and the an6iety o3 *ossible *re)nan'y! ho2ever small.E
IBut 2hen 2e made love to mae a baby! all the obsta'les 2ere )one. 1 'ould 3eel her va)ina 'ontra'tin) and literally su'in) the or)asm out o3 me. 1 'ould 3eel the streamin) o3 my seed throu)h my *enis and she 'ould 3eel it s*lashin) a)ainst her 'ervi6 and bein) su'ed u* into her uterus. Both o3 us had the similar 3eelin) o3 bein) 3used into a )lo2in)! *ulsatin) 2hite ball o3 ener)y! our s2eet ne2 baby. Se6 is 2onder3ul but this 2as more than se6; it 2as love! *assion! and 'on'e*tion all in one. Dever to be 3or)otten. .
9he e6*erien'e o3 'ons'ious! lovin) 'on'e*tion! 2hi'h everyone deserves but very 3e2 have! even on'e! is one o3 the ultimate e6*ressions o3 lovemain). When a man loves a 2oman! this is amon) the most lovin) a'ts he 'an *er3orm! and i3 they are both made ha**y by its 'onse8uen'es! he is a lu'y man indeed.
So 3ar 1 have been s*eain) about the 3undamentals o3 a 2ell%ordered and e33e'tive emotional li3e. Let us no2 dis'uss some im*ortant emotional to*i's on a more advan'ed level.
Commitment
1 have used the 2ord 'ommitment o3ten in this boo. 1t is a ma5or 'on'e*t in the relationshi*s bet2een men and 2omen! and a sub5e't o3 serious 'on'ern to most men. Some men 'an/t mae 'ommitments at all; others have made one and been burned! so they are a3raid o3 )ettin) hurt a)ain. Some men thin they are 'ommitted to someone and 3ind that they are not. Some 3eel that they are not ready to . settle do2n . and are a3raid o3 )ivin) u* their 3reedom.
When 2e 'an/t 'ommit ourselves to a s*e'i3i' *erson! it may be that 2e 3eel the *erson 5ust isn/t ri)ht. 9his 3ear is es*e'ially stron) in men 3or 2hom main) a 'ommitment may mean a)reein) to *rovide 3ood! 'lothin)! housin)! trans*ortation! and all the material needs o3 a 2oman! *lus an indeterminate number o3 'hildren! 3or the rest o3 his li3e. 1n addition to all these obli)ations! he is a)reein) to never be se6ually intimate 2ith another 2oman ever a)ain. @iven the ma)nitude o3 the res*onsibilities and renun'iations! it maes sense that 2e 2ould be a3raid o3 main) a mistae by 'hoosin) someone less than *er3e't.
Women aren/t so 3ri)htened o3 main) 'ommitments be'ause 2hat is e6*e'ted o3 them doesn/t seem as onerous! thou)h i3 the truth be no2n! it may be even more onerous in the lon) run.
As 1 see it! 'ommitment to a *rimary! li3e%lon)! intimate relationshi* is! more than anythin)! an attitude. 1t is today/s sin'ere intention to be 2holly dedi'ated to a relationshi*. 9his does not! ho2ever! im*ly that havin) made a 'ommitment! 2e have sealed our 3ate and never 2ill! in 3a't! de'ide to leave it. Commitment! in other 2ords! is not a ball and 'hain. 1t only means that 2e are )ivin) it everythin) 2e have no2 and sin'erely intend to 'ontinue to do so. Whether that 'ommitment does! in 3a't! 'ontinue in the 3uture de*ends on 2hat ha**ens.
Commitment is ne'essary 3or a lon)%term! intimate relationshi*! but it is no )uarantee o3 ha**iness and su''ess! as 2e shall see. 9he basi' statement o3 'ommitment is& . 1 love you un'onditionally; 1 am 2ith you 2ithout reservations! and 1 am not 2aitin) 3or someone better to be 2ith. .
A lot o3 *roblems bet2een men and 2omen are really *roblems o3 'ommitment. Let us loo at the relationshi* bet2een Sara and ?ri'! 2ho are in an intimate! se6ual! lon)%term relationshi*%%in other 2ords! they are married. We assume! and they assume! that they are mutually 'ommitted. ?ri'! ho2ever! is listless in the relationshi*. <is eye 2anders. <e is not a33e'tionate 2ith Sara but 3lirts 2ith other 2omen! 2hi'h drives Sara insane 2ith 5ealousy. <e says he is not 5ealous! and he resents Sara 3or her 5ealousy and demands.
Cne 2ay to understand and analy;e the situation is that Sara is *ossessive! and ?ri' is not! but 2hat may a'tually be ha**enin) is that Sara is 'ommitted to ?ri'! but ?ri' is not 'ommitted to Sara. Commitment is the issue bet2een ?ri' and Sara! more than any other 'onsideration. 1t is o3ten di33i'ult to assess 2hether one *erson is 'ommitted to another be'ause *eo*le 2ill lie about their 'ommitments. 9he )uilt asso'iated 2ith enterin) a serious intimate relationshi* 2hile not really bein) 'ommitted is stron). 7ery 3e2 are 2illin) to admit their true level o3 involvement. When 'ommitment is 2ea ! the amount o3 'amou3la)e and mysti3i'ation Oread . lyin) .P that )oes on 'an be sta))erin).
Commitment 'annot be en)a)ed in 2ithout a reasonable level o3 trust! and trust is an elusive emotion. Some *eo*le are 3oolishly trustin) and 2illin) to 'ommit themselves to someone 2hom they have no2n 3or a 3e2 days or even hours! 2ith *redi'table disa**ointment. Cthers are so sus*i'ious they 'an never really trust their *artner and! there3ore! never 3ully 'ommit themselves. Peo*le are 5usti3ied not to trust easily or 'ommit themselves 2ithout 'old investi)ation and thou)ht. Women have every reason to believe that men/s interest in them is motivated by an intense need 3or se6ual and emotional nourishment! 2hi'h! 2hen *rovided! doesn/t ne'essarily tae them mu'h 3urther into 'ommitment.
Lie2ise! men 5usti3iably 3ear that 2omen/s interest in them is as a *rovider o3 *hysi'al ne'essities or emotional su**ort and that on'e a 'ommitment is se'ured! nothin) mu'h 'an be e6*e'ted in return. Both men and 2omen reasonably 3ear bein) tra**ed into arran)ements that threaten to be unsatis3a'tory or to e6*loit and bind them 3or the rest o3 their lives. Conse8uently! the main) o3 'ommitments is a *ro'ess re8uirin) and deservin) 'are3ul attention to *ra'ti'al and emotional issues&
.A3ter Natryn and 1 2ere lovers 3or about t2o years! it be'ame obvious that 2e had to mae some de'isions. 1 2ould have been ha**y to 'ontinue as 2e 2ere! but she 2as )ettin) antsy. She 2anted to no2 2hat she 'ould 'ount on. Cther% 2ise! she 2anted to move on. She 2as in love 2ith me but 2anted to have 'hildren. So it 2as time to 3ish or 'ut bait.E
.1 2as terri3ied. 0irst! 1 thou)ht! ICN! 5ust 5um* in!/ so 1 tried that! but it 2as no )ood. She reali;ed 1 2as not into it. So 1 tried to *ull out! but that didn/t 2or either. 1 really loved her. We taled about 2hat it all meant. 1 told her my 3ears; bein) tra**ed! not bein) ever able to loo at another 2oman. We taled about dishes! dia*ers! days out 2ith the boys and the )irls. 1t all seemed doable and 2e a)reed to a lot o3 thin)s and even 2rote them do2n. 1 too the *lun)e! and eventually 2e )ot married. @ettin) married 2as easy on'e 1 a)reed to 'ommit. 1 am )lad 1 did it! but 1 don/t no2 i3 it 2ould have 2ored 2ithout that *eriod o3 dis'ussion.E
:elationshi* Contra't
Natryn and Ha'/s e6am*le *oints out the need 3or e6*lorin) 2hat the a'tual! everyday a)reements in the relationshi* are )oin) to be. Commitment is essential! but it is! as 1 have said! only an attitude; it does not deal 2ith dishes! dia*ers! outside 3riendshi*s and relationshi*s and yard 2or. 9he old marria)e a)reement is only a 'ontra't by de3ault. 1t doesn/t say 2hat should ha**en i3 Natryn de'ides to )o ba' to 2or a3ter the babies are born. 1t mi)ht turn out that he assumed that on'e the 'hildren 2ere born! she 2ould 'ut ba' on her hours at 2or! or 8uit! to 3o'us on 'hild rearin) and house 2or! 2hereas she has elaborate 'areer ambitions. She may have shared his assum*tions at 3irst! but later be)in to 3eel restless and dissatis3ied. 9oday/s relationshi*s thro2 all *revious assum*tions into 8uestion and re8uire a 3resh! hard loo. 0or instan'e&
1. Who 2ill do the 'ooin)! the dishes! and the house2or= 13 it is to be shared! 2ho 2ill do ho2 mu'h and 2hen= Are the a)reements made o*en 3or modi3i'ation! and ho2=
2. 13 'hildren are 2anted! ho2 2ill the de'ision to be'ome *re)nant be made= Who 2ill 3eed! dia*er! )et u* in the ni)ht= Who 2ill do 'hild 'are! drive the 'hildren to s'hool! to the do'tor! and so on= 1n 2hat *ro*ortion=
F. <o2 mu'h time 2ill be s*ent to)ether= <o2 many ni)hts out 2ill *eo*le have= Can 3riends! even intimate ones! have an emotional 'laim to either o3 the *artners= Whi'h 3riends= <o2 mu'h o3 a 'laim=
0. Ho1 -u2h an+ 1hat kin+ of se3 +o the partners e3pe2t fro- ea2h other4 Ho1 1ill they ask for it if they 1ant it an+ +e2line if they +on5t4
$. 9oday! even the bedro' assum*tion that marria)e is mono)amous 'an/t be taen 3or )ranted; 2hat 2ill be the assum*tions about other se6ual *artners= 9otal mono)amy= Cnly on tri*s o3 more than $00 miles= Dever 2ith 3riends= Cay! but donAt tal about it= ODot re'ommended as it re8uires lyin)P
G. <o2 honest 2ill 2e be 2ith ea'h other= 9otal honesty or 2hite lies= >on/t as don/t tell or 3ull dis'losure= 13 he 3eels mildly attra'ted to her best 3riend! is he obli)ated to never mention it! or is it his duty to share all his 3eelin)s= 13 she has some small doubts or resentments! is she re8uired to tell him= Cr 'an she s*are hersel3 the e33ort and ee* them to hersel3 so lon) as they are minor=
Any t2o *eo*le 'ontem*latin) s*endin) the rest o3 their lives to)ether and brin)in) 'hildren into the 2orld should thin about and dis'uss all these issues be3ore main) that ultimate 'ommitment. Marria)e is su**osed to si)nal 'ommitment. 1n most 'ases! those 2ho marry intend to mae it last a li3etime. Bet! 2e no2 ho2 many su'h 'ommitments don/t 2or.
Many 'ou*les 2ho don/t marry are in 3a't more 'ommitted than some 2ho do. ?n)a)ements! sho2ers! and 2eddin) 'eremonies don/t ne'essarily *rodu'e lon)%term! 'ommitted relationshi*s thou)h they 'an be e33e'tive in 'ementin) them. Committed relationshi*s are the result! instead! o3 a mu'h more 'om*li'ated set o3 'ir'umstan'es; trust! se6ual and lovin) 'onne'tions! 'om*atibility! mutual sel3%interest! and 2orable a)reements. As traditional assum*tions be'ome obsolete! emotionally literate dis'ussions are the best avenue to establishin) better! more modern a''ords that 2ill satis3y both *arties. As my )ood 3riend >r >avid @eisin)er says& IA relationshi* is only as )ood as its dialo)ueE
<o2 to Be a @ood 0riend
When everythin) is said and done! a man 2ho loves a 2oman should be a )ood 3riend to her. 0riendshi* o3ten *re'edes 3allin) in love and eventual 'ommitment. 1n 3a't! marria)es bet2een 3riends have an e6'e*tionally )ood 'han'e o3 bein) su''ess3ul be'ause 2hen they 'ome out o3 the . in%love . 3o)! they 2ill still no2 and lie ea'h other.
Conse8uently! no2in) ho2 to be a )ood 3riend is an im*ortant sill 3or a man. Bein) a )ood 3riend is a sim*le 'on'e*t! but it is not al2ays 'lear 2hat a )ood 3riend is lie! 2hat he does and does not do. 9he 3ollo2in) are 3our rules o3 3riendshi*! 2hi'h 1 have 3ound valid and use3ul. Cne 'an try to be a )ood 3riend even i3 no a)reements! or even a 'lear! mutual relationshi* e6ists. But ideally a 3riendshi* is a 'ons'ious! 'oo*erative relationshi* that involves both *eo*le e8ually. Whenever an a'8uaintan'e seems to be *ro)ressin) in the dire'tion o3 be'omin) a 3riendshi*! it/s 2orth2hile to 3ormali;e the *ro'ess by a'no2led)in) it and main) 3riendshi* a)reements that 2ill be taen as seriously as the marria)e 'ontra't or any other 'ontra't bet2een t2o *eo*le.
<ere are the 3our rules&
1. We a)ree to *arti'i*ate e8ually in the 3riendshi*! to 2or e8ually hard to ee* it alive! not to ne)le't it! and to be available 2hen the other needs us. 2. We a)ree to be 'om*letely truth3ul 2ith ea'h other. OSee honesty! belo2.P F. We a)ree to as 3or 2hat 2e 2ant! not to do anythin) 2e don/t 2ant to! and to al2ays be 2illin) to ne)otiate to2ard a mutually satis3a'tory 'om*romise. ". We a)ree to s*end a 'ertain amount o3 time 2ith ea'h other and to let ea'h other no2 2hen our 'ommitment to the 3riendshi* 2eaens. 13 the amount o3 time s*ent 2ith ea'h other needs to be 'han)ed! 2e a)ree to )ive reasonable noti'e 2ith nurturin) and 'arin).
9his all sounds very unnatural and stilted! but it needn/t be& 4sually 2hen 'on3li't arises bet2een 3riends it is be'ause *eo*le never dis'uss their 3riendshi* assum*tions! and 2ould 3eel embarrassed to brin) it u* the sub5e't. But su'h dis'ussions 'an be broa'hed in a rela6ed! )ra'e3ul 2ay%%and the bene3its o3 doin) so! and the *erils o3 3ailin) to! ar)ue stron)ly 3or over'omin) one/s relu'tan'e.
All 3riendshi*s 'an bene3it 3rom 3aith3ul adheren'e the 3irst three rules. Point 3our determines ho2 e6tensive a 3riendshi* it 2ill be.
1n a 3riendshi* the time s*ent to)ether mi)ht be a 3e2 hours a month or 2ee! 2hile in a marria)e all o3 the ni)hts! most o3 the evenin)s! and a lar)e *ro*ortion o3 the 3ree time mi)ht be devoted to ea'h other. 92o lovers may a)ree to s*end t2o or three ni)hts and evenin)s and one 2eeend a month to)ether! but to reserve the other ni)hts and days 3or themselves and other *eo*le.
1n any 'ase! a)reements need to be made and 3ollo2ed or 'han)ed by mutual 'onsent. When a)reements are not 'lear but are assumed! the relationshi* may 2or only i3! by lu'y a''ident! 2hat both *eo*le 2ant is reasonably similar. But 2hen that is not the 'ase! di33i'ulties 2ill develo*. Cnly trouble 'an result 2hen t2o *eo*le enter into a relationshi* 2antin) di33erent thin)s but not dis'ussin) them 2hile assumin) they a)ree.
0or instan'e! 8uite 'ommonly *eo*le have di33erent ideas about 3idelity and mono)amy. Consider the 3ollo2in) e6am*le&
Several months a3ter meetin) and )oin) out 3airly steadily! Sarah dis'overs that >an O2ho she no2s is a terrible 3lirtP has )one out 2ith another 2oman. She/s very u*set! althou)h she reali;es that he never a)reed to see her e6'lusively. <e is annoyed and unsym*atheti'! and they 3ind themselves in a ma5or 3i)ht.
9he *roblem is that they never dis'ussed the nature o3 their ne2 relationshi*. 1t turns out that Sarah assumed! be'ause they 2ere main) love! that a mono)amous a)reement had been sealed bet2een them. >an never a'tually sa2 it that 2ay. <e did not assume su'h an a)reement Othou)h he sus*e'ted that 2as her assum*tionP! but he never 3elt u* to mentionin) it. Do2 he reali;es that he doesn/t 2ant the relationshi* to be'ome that serious. Cnly i3 they dis'uss ea'h other/s e6*e'tations and 2illin)ness to 3ul3ill them 'an the relationshi* survive.
Another im*ortant as*e't o3 3riendshi* is that it is o3ten 'onsidered a se'ond% 'lass relationshi* 2hen 'om*ared to e6'lusive! intimate 'ommitments. Conse8uently! it is assumed that a 3riendshi* 2ill tae a ba' seat 2hen one o3 the t2o *eo*le )ets more .seriously . involved%%that is! se6ually involved 2ith a *otential lon)%term *artner. >is'ountin) the im*ortan'e o3 3riendshi*s 2ith res*e't to so%'alled .*rimary . relationshi*s is a mistae! in my o*inion. @ood 3riendshi*s o3ten last lon)er and 'an he 5ust as valuable as! i3 not more so than! I*rimary!E se6ual relationshi*s. 1n any 'ase! they are invaluable ad5un'ts to *rimary relationshi*s. *rovidin) balan'e! relie3! and su**ort that add to the stren)th o3 'ommitted relationshi*s.
13 a 3riendshi* is to be serious! it has to be )iven 3irst%'lass status re)ardless o3 other develo*ments in one/s love li3e. 1n times o3 di33i'ulty 2ith my *artner! 3riends have hel*ed 'lari3y 2hat 1 2as doin) 2ron)! have )iven me moral su**ort! have *rovided 'omi' relie3! have listened to my 'om*laints 2ithout tain) sides! or taen sides 2hen needed! have taen my mind o33 my troubles! have taen me to the movies! and have let me slee* over. 1n ha**y times they have enri'hed my li3e 2ith their *resen'e and *oints o3 vie2! have 'ooed meals! done 'hild 'are! )ossi*ed! )iven me advi'e and ased 3or advi'e about their o2n troubles! )one on tri*s and 'elebrated li3e 2ith me. But this has been the 'ase be'ause 1 tae my 3riendshi*s as seriously as 1 tae my 'ommitted relationshi*s and 2ould never rele)ate them to se'ond *la'e; nor 2ould 1 a''e*t bein) a 3riend to someone 2ho 2ould treat my 3riendshi* in that manner.
<onesty
Bein) truth3ul is! in my o*inion! the only 'hoi'e in a relationshi* that means to be lon)%lastin)! intimate! and 'ommitted. Lies are the sin)le most 'orrosive in3luen'e u*on relationshi*s%%des*ite *o*ular son)s and hal3%baed advi'e about little 2hite lies. @ranted! the truth is sometimes hard to tae. But the truth is less *ain3ul u* 3ront than 2hen it 'omes out a3ter months or years o3 a''umulated! 'om*ounded lies.
9ruth3ulness is the basis 3or trust; 2ithout it a relationshi* is lie a house o3 'ards! ready to 'olla*se at the 3irst revelation o3 dishonesty. When trust is destroyed in a relationshi*! 2hat remains 'an only be a shado2 o3 its 3ormer sel3.
<onesty obviously re8uires that no lies be told. But! as in the 'ourtroom! 'om*lete honesty re8uires . the truth! the 2hole truth! and nothin) but the truth. . 9o tell the 2hole truth it is e8ually im*ortant to avoid lies o3 omission. 9he best *oli'y! thou)h many 2ill dis*ute this! sayin) it is too risy and to mu'h 2or! is a *oli'y o3 3ull dis'losure.
:e)ardin) lies o3 omission! men have a tenden'y not to say 2hatever they thin a 2oman 2on/t lie to hear! out o3 a 3alse sense o3 )entlemanly 'ourtesy. But 2omen! es*e'ially today/s 2omen! don/t have to be handled 2ith id )loves. 9hey aren/t vi'tims needin) to be res'ued.
Some ar)ue that 'om*lete honesty is unne'essarily 'ruel. . Why )ratuitously hurt my 2i3e by tellin) her everythin)=E
9he reason is t2o 3old. 0irst every lie that is told needs to be remembered and shielded 3rom dis'losure. Lies 'om*ound themselves and eventually tae u* a substantial *art o3 a *ersonAs 'ons'iousness so that in the end the *erson has to virtually lead a double mental li3e. WomenAs intuition is not a myth Oo3 'ourse men are intuitive tooP and a man 2hose mind is distra'ted by his o2n entan)led lies 2ill ee* a 2oman on ed)e and 'onstantly sus*i'ious.
Se'ond. While 2hite lies may ee* thin)s *ea'e3ul 3rom day to day! many relationshi*s 3all a*art 2hen thin)s that 2ere 'on'ealed 'ome out into the o*en.
13 Mathe2 tells Sara he thins her 3riend Hean is *retty! then assures her that she is the 2oman he 2ants to be 2ith! Sara 'an reasonably be e6*e'ted to )et over 2hatever inse'urity this tri))ers 3or her. But i3 he is attra'ted to Hean and denies his attra'tion 2hen Sara ass! and then Sara 'omes a'ross a short story Mathe2 has 2ritten 3or his 2ritin) 'lass 2ith a se6y heroine 2ho loos and a'ts 5ust lie Hean! Sara 2ill be'ome very sus*i'ious and 5ealous.
She may 2at'h him 3rom then on and be'ome 'onvin'ed he is 3aithless and be an)ry 2ithout even no2in) 2hy. By the time she 3inally tells him o3 her sus*i'ions! a )reat deal o3 dama)e 'ould already have been done& she has sto**ed trustin) him! and sensin) her 'han)e o3 heart! he has be)un to 3eel 'riti'i;ed and unloved. A 3leetin) attra'tion that 'ould easily have been admitted to! and then 3or)otten ends u* so2in) the seeds o3 dissolution. 9his is 2hy honesty and o*en dis'losure are so im*ortant.
Cver the years as 1 es*oused my *re3eren'e 3or radi'al honesty the most 3re8uent ob5e'tion 1 hear is that honesty 'an be and o3ten is a subtle 3orm o3 'ruelty 2hi'h has nothin) to re'ommend it. C3 'ourse it is true that one 'an use IhonestyE as a method o3 *unishin) *eo*le 2e are an)ry about. Ane even i3 2e are not an)ry 2e 'an be honest in a thou)htless 2ay that overloos *eo*leAs vulnerabilities. My res*onse to those ob5e'tions are& Cne! i3 you are an)ry 2ith someone! honesty re8uires that you a'no2led)e that 3a't 2ay be3ore you de'ide to be honest at a more detailed level. 92o& honesty does not im*ly rudeness or la' o3 'onsideration. When 2e are about to be honest about somethin) that mi)ht hurt another *erson 2e need to as 3*or *ermission to be honest and then do it in a thou)ht3ul! em*atheti' and lovin) 2ay. Cnly then 2ill honesty 2or its ma)i'! and ma)i' it is 2hen it 'omes to main) relationshi*s 2or.
0i)urin) out What you Want and Asin) 3or 1t
9alin) strai)ht is the o**osite o3 lyin) by omission. Bein) truth3ul in'ludes sayin) 2hat one 2ants and ho2 one 3eels. Asin) 3or 2hat one 2ants is es*e'ially im*ortant 3or men. 9raditionally! men and 2omen e6*e'ted that she 2ould no2 and )ive 2hat he 2anted 2ithout his havin) to as. 9his e6*e'tation 'an be disastrous 2ith a modern 2oman. She 2ill 2ait until he ass; he 2ill not as and 2ill sul 2hen she doesn/t 'ome a'ross. Serious misunderstandin)s 'an start in that manner! and there is only one solution; men have to learn to as 3or 2hat they 2ant.
Dot ee*in) se'rets also im*lies that *eo*le 2ill be e6*e'ted to be o*enly Othou)h lovin)lyP 'riti'al. 1 no2 that this advi'e 3lies in the 3a'e o3 2hat 2e are tau)ht about the relationshi*s bet2een the se6es. But 2omen Oand menP are a )reat deal sturdier than myth 'redits them. 1n the lon) run! today/s 2omen *re3er to hear the truth. So men 2ill be doin) everyone a 3avor by sayin) even the hard thin)s that they are s'ared to say or the thin)s they 2on/t say to *reserve a sense o3 roman'e or to maintain 'ontrol. A relationshi* based on honesty and truth is! 2ithout any 8uestion! stron)er and more en5oyable than one riddled 2ith evasions and hal3%truths. As 1/ve mentioned! *eo*le 2ho ar)ue a)ainst the value o3 'om*lete honesty in relationshi*s are o3ten a3raid o3 the 'ruelty that is *ossible under the )uise o3 honesty. 9rue! a 'ruel *erson 'an use honesty sel3ishly and insensitively! but my e6*erien'e is that in the hands o3 su'h a *erson lies are even more hurt3ul than the truth! so that! in the end! honesty is best.
Healousy
9he rules o3 'ommitment a**ear to demand that 2e 3ind everythin) 2e need in one *erson. But it is unrealisti' to e6*e't that any one *erson 'an 3ul3ill all o3 our needs. Su'h e6*e'tations are o3ten res*onsible 3or the eventual breado2n o3 our 'ommitments and ultimately the 3ailure o3 relationshi*s. A modern 2oman is liely to have other interests than her *artner. She may rub elbo2s and be 3riends 2ith! *erha*s even have dee* lon) lastin) relationshi*s 2ith other men. Men mi)ht 3ind themselves 3a'ed 2ith intense 5ealousy.
. A *ossessive man! . said one 2oman 3riend o3 mine! . is the ultimate dra). 9he moment 1 )et the 3eelin) a man is )oin) to try and o2n me! 1 lose interest! 'om*letely. 1 don/t 'are i3 he is dreamboat number one! ri'h! sensitive! 2hatever. 1 see a *ossessive man! and 1 run the other 2ay as 3ast as 1 'an. 1 2ant to be loved! not o2ned. 1 am not interested in havin) a bun'h o3 di33erent lovers! but 1 am even less interested in havin) a bi) s8uishy man han)in) on me. .
Healousy! the )reen%eyed monster! is a mu'h%3eared! mu'h%misunderstood emotion. Some believe! that 5ealousy is an un2orthy emotion to be su**ressed in an evolved human bein). Some *eo*le 'laim not to be 5ealous! but dis'over that this belie3 3alls a*art 2hen *ut to a serious test. Some are *roud o3 their stron) 5ealousy! 2hi'h they believe to be eviden'e o3 their e8ually stron) love.
9here are! as 3ar as 1 'an tell! t2o ma5or situations that *rovoe 5ealousy in *eo*le. Cne 3orm o3 5ealousy has to do 2ith love and the other has to do 2ith 'ontrol.
Control Healousy
When 5ealousy has to do 2ith *ossessiveness! it is 'onne'ted to *rimitive! territorial instin'ts. 9he desire that some *eo*le have to de3ine their *ro*erty and to e6er'ise 'ontrol over it mani3ests itsel3 2ith their se6ual *artners in the 3orm o3 5ealousy. 1n 3eelin) this ind o3 5ealousy! 2e don/t 'onsider the other *erson/s emotional needs; 2e sim*ly are un2illin) to a''e*t the loss o3 'ontrol over an ob5e't 2e o2n. We may not even love or 'are about the *erson but 2e 3eel *o2er3ully about 'ontrollin) her any2ay. We may ourselves be involved other lovers! but 2e re)ard that *erson as .ours..
Cur 'ulture and es*e'ially its son)s 'onstantly rein3or'es the e6*erien'e o3 5ealousy. Bein) 5ealous is not )enerally 'onsidered a *roblem; in 3a't! it is thou)ht to be a si)n o3 ho2 mu'h 2e love the *eo*le 2e are 5ealous about and ho2 *assionately 2e 3eel about losin) them. 1n 3a't! *eo*le 2ho su33er 'ontrol 5ealousy are 'ontrolled by their need to *ossess and have *o2er over another *erson. When seen in this li)ht! it/s di33i'ult to re)ard 5ealousy as a *ositive emotion 2orthy o3 bein) asso'iated 2ith love. When su'h motives lead to 5ealousy 2e need to tae res*onsibility 3or themand not vi'timi;e our *artners 2ith them.
>e3i'it Healousy
A se'ond 3orm o3 5ealousy has to do 2ith a sense o3 un3air e6'han)e. When *eo*le enter into relationshi*s 2ith ea'h other! they 8uite naturally o33er ea'h other love! nurturan'e! su**ort! *hysi'al and material bene3its! all 2ithout *arti'ularly dis'ussin) the terms o3 the e6'han)e but assumin)! or ho*in)! that the e6'han)e 2ill be a 3air one. But 3airness does not ne'essarily 3ollo2. A3ter the initial 3lurry o3 romanti' e6'itement! thin)s settle do2n to a *attern that is o3ten not e8uitable.
Mary and 2ohn. Mary listens to everythin) Hohn says 2hile Hohn tends to stare blanly 2hen she s*eas to him. When Hohn is si'! Mary dro*s everythin) to tae 'are o3 him! 2hereas 2hen Mary is si'! Hohn seems in'a*able o3 anythin) but the most 'ursory hel*3ul )estures.
Mary 'onstantly tou'hes! 'aresses! and 'uddles Hohn! 2hereas Hohn neither sho2s a**re'iation 3or nor re'i*ro'ates these 3avors. 13 one is 2illin) to loo at the relationshi* as an e6'han)e o3 a variety o3 needs! one mi)ht dis'over that Mary *rovides Hohn 2ith nurturin)! home%'ooed meals! house'leanin)! and )enital%se6ual outlet! 2hile Hohn *rovides Mary 2ith a *ay'he'! *rote'tion 3rom *hysi'al atta'! )arden 2or! and set'hy sensual%se6ual outlet. 9his may be a 'ra;y 8uilt o3 una'no2led)ed e6'han)es and needs! but it is an arran)ement that someho2 'arries them both throu)h their daily li3e to)ether.
Do2! let us say that Hohn taes some o3 2hat is *art o3 that e6'han)e! 2ithdra2s it 3rom the relationshi* and )ives it to somebody else. At the o33i'e and a3ter 2or hours! he no2 s*ends time 2ith! smiles at! and nurtures Hane. <e s*ends money on 'lothes to loo )ood and drins a3ter 2or. Healousy may reasonably ensue in Mary. 9his is not a matter o3 *ossessiveness! but a violation o3 an a)reement o3 e6'han)e! and it leaves Mary un3airly treated. 9he relationshi* bet2een Mary and Hohn is one in 2hi'h a )reat deal o3 ine8uity already e6ists; Mary is )ivin) Hohn a lot o3 nurturin)! in e6'han)e 3or 2hi'h she )ets very little e6'e*t a man to 'all her o2n. 13 Hohn no2 *ro'eeds to besto2 some o3 his stin)ily )iven bene3its on someone else! Mary may e6*erien'e a blindin) sense o3 5ealousy that is not as related to *ossessiveness as! understandably! 2ith an in5ured sense o3 3airness.
Healousy Mana)ement
When a an loves a 2oman he needs to relate in an emotionally lterate manner. 9hat is to say he needs to learn to no2 his o2n emotions their intensity and 'auses as 2ell as her emotions intensity and 'auses. 1n addition he needs to no2 ho2 o mana)e is emoion so that the bene3it rather han harm te relationshi*
9he )ut%2ren'hin) 3eelin) that 5ealousy 'an be and the an)er and *ain asso'iated 2ith it are a )ood o**ortunity to *ra'ti'e emotional litera'y. Mana)ement! in this sense! does not re3er to the su**ression or dis'ountin) o3 emotions but to the re'o)nition! validation and a''ountin) o3 them.
Healousy mana)ement re8uires the 'onvi'tion that emotions are an im*ortant *art o3 ourselves to be honored and 'onsidered. Bet 2e also need to remember that they 'an be destru'tive! o*erate a)ainst our better 5ud)ment! and 'auses us to do thin)s 2e don/t 2ant to do. Healousy mana)ement! 2hen su''ess3ul! has a side e33e't. 1t o3ten leads to mana)ement o3 other emotions lie an)er! )uilt! or 3ear! as 2ell as 5oy! love and ho*e. >ealin) 2ith 5ealousy is *art and *ar'el o3 the lar)er a'tivity o3 emotional litera'y.
>ealin) 2ith 5ealousy re8uires that 2hen 2e 3eel it! 2e s*ea o3 it. 13 5ealousy threatens to over2helm us! )ood emotional mana)ement re8uires that 2e 'ontrol our im*ulses to a''use! atta'! or mae a s'ene! and that! instead! 2e determine its sour'e. When 3eelin) 5ealousy! the 3irst tas is to determine 2hether it/s 'ontrol or de3i'it 5ealousy. 1n order to *ra'ti'e emotional litera'y! it/s im*ortant to be able to e6*ress early on! 'andidly and 2ithout )uilt! the various 'ir'umstan'es in 2hi'h 5ealousy is aroused. A)ain! the dis'rete ste*s; a'tionV3eelin) statements validation o3 intuitions and *aranoid 3antasies are e6haustively outlined in my boo Emotional Literacy' Intelligence "ith a Heart& Su33i'e it to say here that this is an e33ort o3 the 2ill! a de'ision to live a''ordin) to one/s *rin'i*les o3 3airness e8uality and 3reedom! rather than at the mer'y o3 one/s emotions. 1t is hel*3ul here to tell onesel3 thin)s lie&
. 1 love her but she is not my *ro*erty. .
. 13 1 really love her! 1 2ill trust her and sto* tryin) to 'ontrol her. .
. 9ryin) to 'ontrol her 2ill not mae her love me or 'ause her to )o alon) 2ith me. .
. 13 she does 2hat 1 2ant her to me un2illin)ly! she be'omes a slave. .
. <er 3reedom Oand mineP are more im*ortant than my desire to dominate. .
When 'ontrol 5ealousy is e*t out o3 a relationshi*! and 5ealousy 'ontinues it *robably is 'aused by de3i'it and 'an be an a''urate inde6 o3 ho2 e8uitably the relationshi* is bein) 'ondu'ted. 13 it turns out that the 5ealousy 2e 3eel is de3i'it 5ealousy! 2e need to 'orre't the ine8uities that 'ause our dis'om3ort. When de3i'it 5ealousy o''urs! a)reements have to be made to 'han)e the situation so it be'omes 3air. >e3i'it 5ealousy must be a'no2led)ed and dealt 2ith by 'han)in) ho2 *eo*le a't 2ith ea'h other; it 2ill not be 'hased a2ay by the sort o3 a't o3 2ill that 1 su))est 3or 'ontrol 5ealousy. >ealin) 2ith 5ealousy 2ill be bene3i'ial to the relationshi* and to our develo*ment as lovin)! res*onsible! and emotionally literate men.
9his dis'ussion about 5ealousy is meant to be an introdu'tion to the sub5e't o3 emotional litera'y and its im*ortan'e in the relationshi*s bet2een men and 2omen. By no means is it im*lied that dissatis3a'tion bet2een a man and a 2oman are al2ays the result o3 la' o3 'ommitment or un3airness. Plenty o3 mutually 'ommitted and eminently 3lair relationshi*s 3alter on other di33i'ulties; la' o3 understandin)! boredom in'om*atibility. But 'ommitted relationshi* 3ree o3 lies and 5ealousy is a solid 3oundation in 2hi'h a man and a 2oman 'an )ive ea'h other 2hat they 2ant and need.
57L8SI57
1t has 2orried some men that as they )ive u* their a))ressiveness! their 'om*etition! their .ma'hoE tenden'ies and be'ome s2eet and lovin)! they 2ill also someho2 lose their male elan&
Lar)e numbers o3 men! ho2ever! are )oin) throu)h these 'han)es. And as 2e be'ome a''ustomed t ne2! more *liable selves! 2e may be 3eelin) some em*ty. We may 3eel hollo2ed out! someho2! o3 ai thin) identi3iably male that 2e 'an 'all our o2n.
C3 the many 2ondrous thin)s that human bein) do! only 2omen 'an 'arry to term and breast%3ed manind; 2hat e8uivalent mira'le 'an men *er3orm= 7a'illatin) bet2een our 3ormer 'old! soldierly selves and our ne23ound o*en hearts! 2e sometimes 2ander 2hether be'omin) 2hat 2omen 2ant is su33i'ient to 3ul3ill our needs. 4ndeniably! the ne2 male 'onte6t 2arrants some dis'ussion. Cver dinner one evenin) 1 ased my 3riend Ha'son! .What are 2e )oin) to do about 2omen/s obvious su*eriority! no2 that 2e have )iven u* ours= <o2 'an 2e 'at'h u*=. <is ans2er! .We/ll start nittin) 'lubs.. >umb3ounded! 1 looed at him! tryin) to understand 2hat he meant. <is li*s 2ere *ursed in a smile. 9hen 2e both burst out lau)hin). 1 suddenly sa2 the )limmer o3 a sim*le ans2er.
As men 2ho have )iven u* their ma'ho 2ays and are 'on'entratin) on *leasin) 2omen! 2e need also to *lease ourselves and ea'h other. We need to 3ind 2hat our essen'e is! and 2e 'an do that only 2ith other men! as 2e s*end time to)ether bein) e6a'tly 2hat 2e are! main) no e33ort to live u* to any e6*e'tations. :eleased 3rom the limitin) male assum*tions that have e*t us 'om*etin) 2ith ea'h other! a3raid to a**re'iate and truly love ea'h other! relu'tant and reti'ent to trust and share! 2e may 3ind that ea'h other/s male 'om*any is the ne6t milestone in our develo*ment as human bein)s. So 2hen a man loves a 2oman and 3inally )ives her 2hat she 2ants! establishin) on'e and 3or all that they are ea'h otherAs e8ual! he may also 3ind that he/s suddenly o*en in a ne2 2ay to 3indin) his true identity in the 'om*any o3 men& 3athers! sons! and brothers and 3riends to 2hom 1 lovin)ly dedi'ate this boo. Return home?