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Patrick de Ferreira
Most common questions about surviving emotional abuse and the answers
By Patrick de Ferreira
2011
Published by Michael Mardel
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1...Introduction. 4
Chapter 2...Unsatisfactory Relationships
Chapter 3...Confrontations 13
Chapter 4...Signs of Abuse. 17
Chapter 5...Mindset, Marriage and Relationships.. 22
Chapter 6...Healthy Relationships..25
Chapter 7...Staying in a Healthy Relationship... 31
Chapter 8...Forgiveness.. 37
Chapter 9...Cognitive Behavior Therapy41
Chapter 10..Solutions. 44
Bibliography. 49
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Chapter 1 Introduction
ANGER
When we were small we expressed anger because we were tired, hungry or wet.
Anger can be a good thing as it helps us to fight or flee a perceived attack.
Thus we have a trigger, our interpretation of the trigger and our bodys response.
I will refer to your partner or friend as feminine and if you are in a same-sex relationship, change it to masculine.
Our partners/friends behavior can be changed.
Her thoughts and beliefs can be changed.
The bodily component can be changed.
The triggers can be shown.
Questions:
What is happening just before the abuse occurs?
Where is it happening?
How is it happening?
When is it happening?
Why is it happening?
That is what this book is about. You will be asked questions which may or may not
relate to you every time.
We will look at anger, abuse, harassment and whether they are related.
We will look at cognitive behavior therapy to give you some methods of coping.
We will look at your mindset and how you could change it to have a healthy relationship.
And how many times do you, might you, forgive your partner?
UNDERSTANDING ANGER.
Problems arise when the response is over the top or abusive. The expression of anger
may be in response to a perceived threat or challenge.
An abusive response is when the person on the receiving end is put down in an
aggressive manner.
There has been no threat but something has triggered it off. It may have been
building for days and we have had no idea.
Aggression is a learned behavior which can be changed.
Her thinking patterns and beliefs can be altered.
She can learn coping strategies.
She can identify the triggers.
There may be relationship/friendship problems.
Is her lifestyle stressed and unbalanced? (cf Powell, 2009, p.152)
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The next time a rage happens, try the Stop! technique if you can.
Sometimes I cant as the rage Ive been subjected to has been too overpowering
especially if it has come from nowhere and one is left like a stunned mullet,
floundering in a shallow stream, not able to breathe.
Thats why breathing in and out is good for the abused. And even that conscious
thought may be battered.
You may think the word stop anytime you speak to each other so that you dont
become co-dependent on the abuse.
CO-DEPENDENCY is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a
partner, typically one with an illness or addiction that requires support.
One may be addicted to anger which needs a partner to be angry with. If
you break the cycle then the co-dependency will shatter. (cf Brescia)
MEDITATION is another way to calm oneself down and there are plenty on the
Internet e.g. FreeMeditations.com
Remember, you can always walk away after youve offered the abuser kindness.
(Schrader, 2011, p.1)
RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Do you believe you consciously or unconsciously attract the abuse to you?
Did something similar happen to you as a child? In your
past? All my relationships have had abusive moments.
Before them I entered a religious order where we were regularly abused to see if we
could take it.
What are you holding onto by staying in the relationship/friendship?
Is it retrievable or not?
Parenthood and careers can lead to a relationship break-up where one wants children
and the other doesnt or is ambivalent, where one is offered a job in another state and
the other has a vested interest in staying where they are.
Are there other underlying tensions? Is
she critical of you in front of others?
Perhaps youve got your woman and dont see the need to try anymore.
Maybe you justify this because of her behavior to you.
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Chapter 3 Confrontation
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
What does it mean to you?
It is the repeated making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks to a
person, usually in a workplace.
According to Settles et al (2011) in one quoted study, 50% of working women and
approximately 15% of men have at least one sexual harassment at work. Compare
this with 65% for women in the military.
Men are rewarded for exerting their power but what if you have a female doing it to
you?
Are you frightened by her outbursts?
Are you in a lose-win situation?
If she apologises does this make it a win-win situation?
Do you perceive yourself to be harassed, either at home or in the workplace?
WHAT DOES TO HARASS MEAN?
The Oxford dictionary gives two meanings:
1.torment by subjecting to constant interference or intimidation (verb).
2.(adj.-harassed): strained as a result of having too many demands made on one.
[The origin comes from French harasser, from harer set a dog on, and from the
Germanic hare: a cry urging a dog to attack.]
Does your partner build up slowly in her anger or does she come on full bore without warning?
Is her behavior aggressive?
Do you feel fearful?
Do you feel pushed to the brink of despair?
Are you worried about taking a wrong move and everything will come crashing
down?
Can you meet halfway?
What is halfway?
How much do you have to give to help repair the abuse?
Are you ready to change?
Is she ready to change?
What do you have to do as the abused?
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ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN OR WHAT SHE COULD BE?
Are your actions saying you deserve this abuse if it continues?
According to How to save your relationship (2011), you have taught your partner
how to treat you. (p.4)
But you are not the cause of her bad behavior nor can you make her change.
Does your partner refuse to take responsibility for her actions?
Tell her how you feel, e.g. I feel scared when you yell at me.
The main thing is, try not to be critical of her.
If your partner apologises after an outburst and you forgive her, do not remind her
later.
Do not make demands of her.
Choose a quiet time by yourselves to discuss the occasion and listen carefully.
Never air your grievances in public.
Do you feel you are in the right?
Allow her to take responsibility for her actions.
Are you sexually intimate?
Again, discuss it in a quiet way.
Why has the spark died?
Are there medical problems?
HAS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM TAKEN A DIVE?
Do you feel attracted to your wife?
Why not?
Are you both happy?
When did you last date? Visit a sex shop?
Do you show affection?
When did you last hold hands, kiss?
Thank her for the wonderful things she does (kids, work, around the house).
Are you trying to be everything for her?
She needs her own friends and interests.
Remember
You are a valuable, worthwhile human being who deserves to be happy and loved.
(How to save your relationship, 2011, p.26)
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CONFRONTING (contd):
Be careful of what you want to complain about with words like:
I feel like you are (abusing) me when you act that way towards me.
(Ritchie, 2011, p.1)
This is not an outright accusation but a way of showing how you feel.
Dont forget your own exercises at being calm like deep breathing, plus practicing
what you want to say.
You dont want to display anger or fear so you need to be sure of what you want
to say.
If your partner reacts angrily, help her see her behavior.
Do not get into an argument.
FINALLY:
Do you feel you are giving away your power to your abusive partner?
Do you feel you are the helpless victim of the abuse?
Whos going to come to your rescue?
When you give away your power you are giving away yourself, what you
believe in, losing your self-confidence.
E.g. deferring your choice of restaurant to her, then being upset because it wasnt
a great place to eat after all, then resenting her for choosing it, then being upset
with yourself for not speaking up and making the choice, which further undermines your self confidence. (cf Arrizza, 2011)
Does this look like you are submitting to her?
She may be controlling but you do have a choice.
Are you afraid of her abusing you if you do speak up?
Do you want to keep the peace and not fall into little pieces?
Its your choice.
***
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She needs to look at the consequences of losing her temper. Then look at the
benefits of controlling it.
2.
She needs to learn how to be assertive so there is a win-win situation. She
needs to ventilate her feelings.
3.
What sets her off? What are the triggers? Keep a diary to identify a pattern.
4.
What feeling is underneath her anger? I feel hurt when you criticize me.
5.
What should beliefs are hidden? I should, I must, I ought to are better out
of her vocabulary. It would be nice is preferable.
6.
Get her to repeat some positive statements when she gets into a stressful
situation.
7.
Relaxation exercises are recommended, including deep breathing. Practice
them so she can use them in a stressful situation.
8.
She needs to rehearse her statements, relax her body, and speak slowly.
9.
Finally, walk away if the situation is too stressful.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.153.)
***
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Do you have a mindset that youre not good enough to be in a loving relationship?
Have you been in previous relationships where your partner walked out after a few
years?
It happened to me twice and the only thing I could blame myself for was being
critical of them. I never said it out loud but I thought it.
Those two relationships were precursors to now.
I still catch myself having critical thoughts but I brush them aside with the
Stop word.
Im doing the dishes and my partners mug is not in the sink. I think Stop, and
then I go and find it.
My intention is not to be critical of her or me.
I need to accept my wish to have the dishes done, the washing put on and hung out
to dry and later brought in.
None of this has anything to do with my partner.
I choose to do it like I chose to paint her house when we moved there for a short
time.
There are things to do around our new house (which is 60 years old) and the
garden but my partner refrains from nagging me about cracks and the high grass. I
nag myself. She gets a gardener in to deal with the weeds and mulching because
we are both working. I decide what to plant from my Growing your own school
textbook.
Do you feel doomed to failure when you are abused?
How would it be if your marriage failed?
Do you feel you could cope?
It is able to be done.
If you dont think so, then you are putting yourself in a negative space.
Can you get out of this negative space?
Can you stop blaming your partner for abusing you?
Remember the BDSM man who was trapped in a three-way relationship.
He let himself be the victim and she abused his trust.
Do you have the mindset that your partner is difficult to deal with?
Thats easily solved. You can use the stop technique every time you feel critical
of her.
Sounds simple? Sure is but its worked for me on many occasions and Ive even
coached my partner in it as she has an annoying boss where she gives her
services voluntarily.
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Cooper (2011) reckons that ...all of the parts of ourselves that cause us pain and
we have repressed, start to show up in other people. (p.2)
Our ego wont accept that it is anything to do with us.
Our partner may have those parts we havent realised in ourselves.
And of course, these are blind to us in the beginning of a relationship.
Regardless of where our negative beliefs come from, how may we transcend
them? Arrizza (2011) recommends hypnosis.
Mindfulness:
What is it?
The intentional, non-judgmental, moment-to-moment awareness of our experience
as it unfolds. (Powell, 2009, p.110)
If you are aware of each moment, you can bring your awareness to them.
If you are aware of how you are feeling when an abusive outburst happens,
you may deal with the negativity more effectively.
You may need to see there is a healthy and unhealthy self-acceptance of what is
happening.
You are both human with defects but there is room for forgiveness or growth.
One way to find mindfulness in your life is to be aware of a simple task like doing
the dishes. What are you thinking as you wash them? Try deep breathing and see
where it takes you.
How to take care of yourself:
Give yourself something nice like a present or a treat.
Make time to do relaxing activities.
Be selfish sometimes.
Allow others to look after you when you are ill.
Plan events in your life that you can look forward to, like a holiday or an outing.
Every day make sure you have some time to do something pleasurable for yourself.
Make a point of looking after your appearance and health.
Be gracious when somebody gives you a present or compliments you on something youve done.
Praise yourself if you think you have done a good job.
Feel you are in control of your life, not how others want you to be.
Make a point of eating a healthy diet and dont skip meals.
Deliberately engage in exercise and keep yourself physically fit.
Deliberately make time to cultivate friendships with people you like.
Make time to engage in absorbing, meaningful hobbies and activities.
Put your needs first sometimes, even if others are hurt.
Say no when other people make demands on you.
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When you are listening to your partner/friend, are you waiting to put your spin on
it?
Do you avoid confronting your partner/friend over her abuse?
Do you try to solve your problems or do you harp on them? Does she?
Are you feeling bullied/intimated/made to do what she wants?
Is there malice in her rage?
Does she find fault with you? Henpeck you?
Do either of you bring up past grievances?
You need to move on.
Can you accept your partners/friends faults or are you going to remind her
forever?
Are you stuck with the statement: She shouldnt treat me like this if she loves
me or ...values me as a friend?
Do you constantly find fault with your partner or she with you?
You are both part of the problems and need to work through it.
Do you put yourself down?
Dont, it just adds fuel to her fire.
Have you ever told a family member of your partners/friends abuse?
Again, dont as it forces family to take sides and gang up on the partner/friend.
Are you acting needy so that your partner/friend feels smothered?
Get a life, like an interest. Follow your own interests and any hobby you have.
Can you compromise in an argument?
Can you change your argumentative habits and find a compromise?
What do you want from this relationship/friendship?
Accept your partner/friend for who she is.
(cf Arn).
Are you prepared to invest time to making your relationship/friendship work?
(cf Browne, 2011)
Is the grass greener on the other side?
Not according to Schweitzer (2011) and one of my tutors in religious life.
You will still need to deal with your next partners/friends shortcomings.
Remember, we attract what we need to perfect in ourselves.
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Be specific in what you want to say, keeping it brief and to the point.
Repeat what you want to say so that you are clear and relaxed and not sidestepping.
You are not trying to win but looking for a compromise.
Disclosing what you are feeling e.g. I feel nervous. You are trying to reduce
your anxiety which will help you to relax.
Agree if your partner or friend wants to criticize you and only if its warranted.
Inquire when someone criticizes you. If they say e.g. youre shy, you can ask
in what way are you shy.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.68)
Saying no is another obstacle for some people. Powell (2009) lists a few common
beliefs like its unkind or others needs are greater than mine.
Do not be passive and let people walk over you. You have the right to refuse.
Remember it is the request and not the person you are refusing.
Hints for saying no
Brief
Polite
Slowly with warmth
Add a proviso: I feel difficult saying this.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.69)
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2.
Each one underlines where they would like to see an improvement e.g.
putting the toilet seat down or not banging doors.
3.
4.
Make a date to have time together once a week, like going to the movies.
5.
Do you feel appreciated? Who does the washing up? Do you thank them or
surprise them by doing it?
List the things you do at home or at work. Put a plus for when youre
appreciated and a minus for when youre not.
Both do this and compare.
6.
Take it in turns to do something for each other. Drying the dishes when your
favorite show is on. (Pause it or record if you really want to watch it).
(cf Powell, 2009, p.154)
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Anger
Should you express your anger?
Yes, but not in an aggressive way.
It has to be a win-win situation for both of you as an abusive moment is a win-lose
situation for the abuser.
There is a saying for both of you - feel free to swap God for what works for you.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Anger management according to Wikipedia (2011) refers to techniques and exercises
aimed at controlling what sets off the angry person.
One strategy is to find agreement with the other person.
Forgiveness is another method, as is stress management.
(cf Anger management tips.)
What is anger?
Anger is a deluded mind (focusing) on an object, you, which seems unattractive, like
things that irritate to the detriment of our good qualities.
Thus, the anger is unrealistic and you need to practice patience.
Methods of Anger Management:
Direct - how it is felt
Honorable - why and take responsibility
Focused - stay on the issue
Courageous - admit when wrong
Humility - not being defensive
Forgiveness - not being resentful but acknowledging the wrong
Listen - hear both sides, and
Thankfulness - if so.
(cf Anger management techniques.)
Stress:
In the transactional model (Wikipedia, 2011b), the abuser may learn how to change her
perspective of those things which cause her stress and be shown how to cope with them
and thus improve her life.
The health realisation model has the abuser using her thoughts to overcome the
stressors.
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Chapter 8 Forgiveness
How many times?
70 x 7 says one version of the New Testament. Matt 18:21-22
It means infinity, not counting.
However, it does not say anything about abusive situations.
Elsewhere we are exhorted to love each other as we love ourselves.
The second part is often forgotten - we forget that we need to love ourselves so that
we can love others.
How much do you love yourself?
How can you measure it?
List what you are doing for yourself, be it hobbies or friends, and not just house
maintenance.
It does not mean time away from your partner/friend but it can.
Then when you return home you are renewed with, hopefully, joy, that you caught
up with your mates for a beer or a poker game.
My father, who died quite young, loved entertaining. There always seemed to be a
stack of empty beer bottles behind the shed, waiting for the bottle-o who came
round with his horse and cart. Were talking 1950s and they were recycling then.
On Friday nights after work, he and his workmates, who also carpooled, would
stop for a few beers at a hotel.
I dont know what my mother thought of this because she never said anything, not
even when another wife rang her to see if my father was home yet.
No, theyre not here but theyre probably on their way. This lady needed a
mobile phone though I reckon her husband would have turned it off if he had one.
No doubt there were arguments when he did get home. She needed something else
in her life besides showing off her bruises.
I learnt from an early age that some couples werent happy, a wife who drank, a
couple who couldnt have children.
My parents seemed to rise above all this and I never heard a cross word between
them. They had their own space with Dad in his shed building furniture and Mum
in her kitchen cooking lunch. Typical stereotyping for sure but has it really
changed in 60 years?
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Finally, look at these seven steps from Powell (2009) on mental health (p.113):
1.
take responsibility for your life, including your happiness. Do not blame
others if things are not going the way you want them to.
2.
be flexible in your thinking and ditch the shoulds and ought tos.
3.
confront the difficulties and frustrations in your life. Life isnt always fair.
4.
look after your own needs by being assertive and take care with, e.g. exercise
and food.
5.
express yourself about positive and negative feelings. Dont bottle them up.
6.
strive for balance of work and play, alone and with others, physically and
mentally.
7.
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According to Corelli (2011), the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual for psychiatrists)
definition of Borderline Personality Disorder is:
a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and
affects (mood swings) and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and
present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five of the nine following:
1.
2.
3.
Identity disturbance.
Is she confused about her goals, even her sexuality?
Does she frequently change jobs?
Has she embraced fundamentalism with its all or nothing attitude?
4.
Impulsivity.
Does she spend recklessly, drive unsafely?
Are there any risk-taking behaviors like substance abuse?
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
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Chapter 10 Solutions
Relationship psychology
It ...teaches you to recognize certain reactions and behaviors in yourself and
others No two people are alike, nor do men and women think the same way.
(Rancen, 2011, p.1)
Are you an action man, solving problems and moving on to the next one?
Does your partner/friend want to talk through problems?
What is the end result? Women talk and men dont.
How did you both react in the past?
Did you find some common ground?
Stresses in your life.
Are there areas in your life that need discussing?
You may have done this but its always helpful to keep the conversation open in case
negative thoughts have arisen.
1.
2.
Do you have family commitments that keep you away from your partner/
friend?
My partner has three adult children and she often meets them separately for
breakfast. Then there are the odd occasions when well both visit them or
vice versa for dinner.
My family of mother and sisters live over 30 kms away and we meet regularly
for Sunday lunch. My partner often accompanies me if shes not working. My
brother lives interstate and he rings every Sunday at midday, unless he mixes
up daylight saving..
3.
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Work.
Does one of you spend longer at work?
Is one of you home early, feeling obliged to prepare dinner or tidy up?
I read a story about a man who had booked dinner at a restaurant but his wife
wanted to tidy up for a meeting at home. The man had the usual option of
getting angry and feeling hard done by. In the end he sat in his car and rang
the restaurant to say they would be 20 minutes late.
There are always at least two ways of looking at a situation.
5.
6.
=======================================================
Reiki - what is it?
Reiki is a hands-on natural healing technique using the Universal Life Force
energy to heal. (Conway, 2011).
A session can calm you down and heal the parts of your body that may not be
correctly aligned.
The author is a practitioner and offers a half-hour distance healing session to
whomever purchases this book.
There are seven chakras and seven colours and the base one is
red. It is located at the base of the spine.
The base chakra pertains to two different emotions, positive and negative on the
psycho-spiritual level.
The positive aspects are assertiveness, courage, strength of will and pioneering.
The negative aspects are insecurity, self-pitying, aggressiveness and being fearful.
(cf Base chakra.)
A search online will give you plenty of information.
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Here are eight anger control tools which you could use and teach your partner/
friend to use:
1.
Recognize stress
2.
Develop empathy, get the others perspective
3.
Respond instead of reacting - one can choose how to express ones anger
4.
Change that conversation with yourself (self-talk)
5.
Communicate assertively
6.
Adjust expectations
7.
Forgive but dont forget
8.
Retreat and think things over (time-out).
(cf Fiore and Novick, 2011).
Here are some more:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Breathe deeply
Walk outside
Do some stretchesloosens up the body.
Write about how mad you feel and why
Write youre grateful
Imagine youre at the funeral of the person youre mad with. What would
you say?
7.
Pray if that is your belief.
8.
Imagine youre the person youre mad at, How does it look to you now?
9.
Remember when you were afraid or hurt as a child. Tell the child everything
is now OK.
10. Think about your values. What is important to you?
(cf DeFoore, 2011).
=====================================================
Meditation.
Take a few deep breaths into your abdomen.
Who do you love?
Who is important in your life?
Think of all the people you know, places, things, activities that you treasure.
How does it feel for these people, places, things, activities?
How much time do you spend on each one? On yourself?
The message is that you are worthy of love from yourself and others, wanting the
best for you.
Do not settle for second-best; you are the best there is.
(cf Oriah Mountain Dreamer, 2001).
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To sum up:
In this Chapter you were introduced to varying coping methods.
I dont have all the answers but you have enough for your survival.
There are many ways of looking at the world-view and each one is valid.
I personally like the Universal Life Force. I have spent most of my adult life looking for the meaning of life. Its an ongoing task and I think I am a better person for
it.
However, I obviously need to learn some more lessons if I attract abusive people
into my life.
The now is very important and was wondrously apparent when last I was
suicidal and depressed. Thats when I discovered I had bipolar. I tend toward the
depressed side of it but am able to function with my writing.
I hope what I have shared will inspire you, the reader, to remain calm and be able
to negotiate the tricky waters of abuse.
***
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Bibliography
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Pemo, Cucun. (2011). What does your man really want? Retrieved 1 April 2011 from
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