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Working Thesis Statement Analysis

Medical records are becoming more and more exposed to the public because of privacy issues. Comment [ccc1]: This is a confusing sentence
Medical records are one of the confidential documents in the health field because it has every kind of because it says privacy issues are exposing medical
records. But this student’s intentions are good. A
information concerning one patient. In this research paper, I will research different court cases about first line as a “Call to attention” about a problem.
medical record privacy, discussing the pros and cons on electronic health records, and providing ways to Comment [ccc2]: Although clunky, this sentence
decrease concern about medical privacy concerns within the office. strives to define the term medical records.
Comment [ccc3]: Do not use the first person “I”
in your thesis statement. If later in the essay you
want to talk about a person scenario, it would be
fine then to use the first person voice.

My rewrite Comment [ccc4]: The student does a good job


finding the flow of the essay, though this needs to
be smoothed out.
Medical records are confidential documents containing the intimate details of a patient’s mental and
physical health. Many people fear that the privacy of their medical records will be in jeopardy if filed
electronically. Court cases [Name?] concerning medical record privacy have created pros (such as
accessibility for a traveling patient) and cons (such as insurance companies raising rates) regarding the
electronic formatting of medical records. This, in turn, has increased and decreased the fear about
medic al privacy.

(My above rewrite is still a working thesis statement. Your thesis statement should evolve over time. As
the thesis statement narrows down the areas I want to discuss, I will deepen the intellectual depth
within the essay itself.)