Marriage is more than Sex

Just as there is much more to love than sex there is also much more to marriage than
not being adulterous. Couples get married for a plethora of reasons, some of them
good and some of them bad if they are the only reason. Reasons would include love,
companionship, sex, meaning to life, children, romance, security, and sometimes a
lot of selfish reasons we dont have time to discuss.

Statistics tells us if true love is removed from the marriage relationship it fails after
about 2 years. The initial passion and romance cannot sustain a marriage forever. If
love is not the reason marriage moves to an arranged relationship where the couple
remains together for marital benefits. It is not that marital benefits are wrong; but
they shouldnt be the reason for marriage. If the benefits are the primary goal, then
something needs to be change.

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Scripture commands us to love one another in the marriage relationship as Christ
loves the church. But just what does that mean? In scripture there are three Greek
word we translate into the English word love; eros, phileo, and agape. All three words
are applicable to a marriage relationship but they have distinctively different
meanings.

Eros is where we get the English word for erotic. In real terms it means to be
passionate, romantic, and erotically in love. In the modern vernacular we
misunderstand the meaning and typically associate erotic love with something
perverted. But this is not the scriptural understanding. The fact is scripture
commends and approves of erotic love in the marriage relationship. Just a cursory
reading the Songs of Solomon and you will know what I am referring to (SoS 2:5, 4:1-
7; Prov. 5:15-19). The one caveat is, eros is the love of one person and one person
only. This is the kind of love that belongs only in a marriage and is captivated by love.

Proverbs 5:15-19 (NKJV)
15
Drink water from your own cistern, And running water
from your own well.
16
Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water
in the streets?
17
Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you.
18
Let
your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
19
As a loving deer
and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be
enraptured with her love. This passage is filled with the ideal erotic love. The
commands here are to be drunk with love for your spouse. It tells us to relinquish all
self-control and fall under the influence of erotic love. It shouts out, I NEED YOU!

Phileo refers to brotherly love and typically involves friendship and love for a relative
or close friend. It means to love someone because we admire them for who they are,
but not for what they have or do in life. This is not sucking up to someone to gain
favors. But we should phileo our spouse; they should be our best friend and we
should admire their personhood and their physical body. The best times of our life,
the most fun times should be when we are with our spouse. Although phileo is to be
applied to everyone, it is best when it endeared to our spouses. It shouts out, I
WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

Agape love is unconditional, selfless, giving, and never demands. It covers all the
flaws, warts, and hard times found in all relationships. It is the kind of love that
dwells on the good times and uses them as unction to get through the difficult times.
There are times in all marriages when our spouses seems unlovable (this is a two way
street and applies to both); but agape says love them anyway and always. This is the
love which gives endurance to the relationship when the passion and romance starts
to cool. This is the love which enriches eros with realism. This is the love that says, I
married you because.; and shouts out, I GIVE TO YOU.

So, how does scripture tell us to interact in the marital relationship? The principle is
found in Ephesians 5:1, the specifics are enumerated in 5:15-27. Since God is not
married the principle is we are to imitate God by loving our wives as Christ loves the
Church; and wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ.

This is one of the most conflict-ridden passages in all of scripture because women
dont like the word submit and men misunderstand submit to mean heavy-handed
and demanding. But both men and women who think such are miss-informed and lack
understanding as to what submit means scripturally.

First of all the word, submit, does not mean the male is to dominate the female.
Nor does it imply the male is superior and the female is inferior. Scripture is filled
with passages proclaiming there is neither male nor female in the kingdom of God.
Male and female are to be equals just as the races are to be equal. Gender is not to
be a quality which differentiates.

The word and the passage do imply a mutual submission to one another because of
our relationship to Christ. However, this does not mean we are always to be
submissive despite the consequences of the circumstance. It would be contrary to
scripture for the wife to submit to her husband if his intent was to physically or
verbally abuse her.

The correct view of mutual submission is to submit as appropriate which may or may
not be fully reciprocal. This is to be governed by the circumstance. This is submission
based on other biblical principles, on mutual obedience, honoring, and yielding to one
another. This kind of submission is defined as being and being able to be our real-self,
willing to make ourselves vulnerable to our spouse. It is being true and honest in our
relationship never hiding anything or never afraid to expose our short comings. The
goal of submission is not a giddy happiness where everything is cake and ice cream.
The goal is to promote a holy union so as to control the relationship as Christ
administers the church.

If the husband will love his wife and be the spiritual leader in the relationship as
commanded by scripture; then the wife should have no problem with submitting to his
spiritual authority. I have been married 50 years and once I got on track with God my
wife has never failed to submit to spiritual authority.

Fifty years sounds like a long time; but it seems like only yesterday when I first kissed
that cute little gal, and you can trust this, the kisses are just as sweet today as they
were then. We are still best friends and do everything together; sometimes she does
things with me when she would rather be somewhere else and vice versa. But our love
has always been sacrificial, fully willing to give into one another to make the other
happy. Our worst arguments come from trying to outdo each other in mutual
submission.

Knowledge, like air, is vital to life. Like air, no one should be denied it.
Gregg

I would like to thank Dr. Dan Doriani and Covenant Theological Seminary for making
the course, Christian Ethics, freely available at:
http://www.covenantseminary.edu/resources/courses/christian-ethics-doriani/

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