Issue 7

Editor : Claire Worgan

Editor-In-Chief : Elizabeth Simos
Produced in USSU Media Hub,
University of Surrey,
Guildford
Est. 2008

FREE

FANCY A TOP UP SIR?

By Amy Short

A survey conducted by BBC News revealed that two-thirds of vice-

chancellors, speaking anonymously, said they needed to raise fees,
suggesting levels of between £4,000 and £20,000 per year. More than
half of University heads want students to pay at least £5,000 per year
or for there to be no upper limit.

This has started arguments about whether the present £3,500 cap on
fees should be lifted. The report also considered capping student loans
and encouraging students to take out private loans instead. Any chang-
es will affect about a million students on undergraduate courses. If the
fee cap is increased to £7,000 it would result in an average of £25,000
debt over a three year course.

However, the changing of these caps will not resolve the already exist-
ing failures in the system, such as: the provision of bursaries, the fact
that students from privileged backgrounds continue to dominate the in funding from the combination of government support and fees in
“best” institutions, problems with priorities where students are having the coming years, then the current system is not sustainable. The Uni-
to work part-time in order to support themselves and, most importantly, versity is acutely aware of the financial pressure on students and will
the huge financial risk-taking that students must undergo with no guar- continue to offer bursaries and scholarships.”
antee of success.
On Wednesday 18th March, hundreds of students and members of the
This has angered the National Union of Students, which wants to en- National Union of Students from across England travelled to Westmin-
tirely replace the fee system with repayments linked to later earnings. ster to ask their MP to support an alternative to University top-up fees.
“In the context of the current recession, it is extremely arrogant for Uni-
versity vice chancellors to be fantasising about charging their students Wes Streeting said, “We are putting forward a radical proposal for an
even higher fees and plunging them into over £32,000 of debt,” said alternative system that is fairer for students, but still generates the kind
NUS president Wes Streeting. of income the sector so badly needs.”
Surrey’s Vice Chancellor Christopher Snowden had this to say... “The current recession is a stark reminder that excessive levels of debt
are unhealthy, both for individuals and the economy. We believe that
“The Government is committed to a review of fees following the intro- higher education should be free at the point of use for all students, with
duction of this policy. Fees currently form an important part of the fund- graduates making a contribution according to how much they are ben-
ing for universities following the significant expansion of the sector in efitting financially from their own use of the system.”
recent years and direct funding from government now falls far short of
what is needed to sustain our higher education system without fees. Continued On Page 3...
Although the debate in the media has focused on maintaining a world-
class position for UK higher education, in fact if there is not an increase

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NAKED! The Stag’
t erview Piz z a , P i zza
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(Now that made excl u
edy Pizza!
you look!) No with Com e r y ummy
Clothes Night Pho- Magician
Pete Fashionista h
and ot d!
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Pages 16 & 17 Page 12 Page 14
Issue 7 |24th March 2009 | www.ussu.co.uk/thestag 1
 Worgan’s Words
Hello again!
Well this issue is set to the the final issue be-
fore the Easter break! Woohoo! Finally after
In this issue.....
News
what seems like months of hard slog (or so I
tell myself) we have finally reached the break. Pages| 3 -6
This issue, we hope, is packed with exciting Features
and tantalising goodies to titilate even the Campus Boy | Page 8
most cynical of readers. Which I hope you
are just as impressed with as my friend in my Co-Lab & C.A.L.M.S.E.A |Page 10
picture... I must say though that I will be dis- The Stag Exclusive Interview| Page 12
sapointed when the easter break is over for Not News & GU2| Page 13
one major reason, NO MORE CREME EGGS!
Oh how I love those little ovoids of fondant Fashion Fix| Page 14
goodness. Anything tastes better when egg-shaped and much to my dissapointment Yummy Food |Page 15
we have gone another year without the giant easter egg sized version! WHY WON’T YOU Flirt!Pictures |Pages 16&17
LISTEN TO US AND MAKE ONE!! *calm*. Anyway, i hope you enjoy reading and that most
of you are making the most of the sunshine, DON THE FLIP-FLOPS THE SUN’S OUT! Put Societies
away the coats, get the summer music playlist going on the ol’ ipod and have a BBQ! Photo Soc| Page 18
I’m not saying the sunshine will last ( I’m no weathergirl) but once that glistening star of I-Gala Page 20
plasma comes out from behind the clouds for a freak visit we must make the most of it
... One copy of The Stag, One friend in flip-flops, I make that pimms o’clock don’t you? Arts
Music Reviews | Pages 22 - 24
Claire Literature |Pages 25
Creative Writing |Page 26
-x- Film | Page 27
Sports
Surf Club& Archery |{ages 30
Football Update |Pages 31

Editorial Team
Editor| Claire Worgan: ussu.thestag@surrey.ac.uk
News| Amy Short & Steven Hayton: newsdeskstag@gmail.com
Features| Kim Harris : featuresdeskstag@gmail.com
Societies| Justin Waite & Mariam Nasir : societiesdeskstag@gmail.com
Sports| James Simpson & Danielle Gianotti:
sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
Music| Rachael Fitz-Patrick : musicdeskstag@gmail.com
Literature| Amy Barnes: literaturedeskstag@gmail.com
Film| Ollie Sim: filmdeskstag@gmail.com
“Science”| Toby Shannon : sciencedeskstag@gmail.com
Marketing| Amy Campbell :marketingdeskstag@gmail.com
Copy Editors | Joe Kenward & Stephanie Davies
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Continued from Front Page
“We also need to overhaul the shambolic cur- ticularly in Guildford. I fought against fees back
rent system of student support. At the moment, in 2004 and I fight them now for the some rea-
bursaries vary hugely from one university to the son. Entry to higher education should always
next; we believe that financial support should be based on your brains, never your bank bal-
be based on how much a student needs it, not ance.”
where they happen to be studying.”
The outcome of this debate will have a major
There is an important debate to be had now impact the way the sector is funded after the
and looking at the alternative ways of funding next general election.
tuition fees. Top-up fee rebel, Paul Farrelly MP,
said: "I oppose introducing a market system in It is essential that the student voice is heard. If
higher education, like in the US, which many you want to get your point across, go to
elitists want. We need to increase participation http://www.theyworkforyou.com/ type in your
by students from poorer backgrounds, not price postcode (home or uni) and find your MP. Then
them out of going to university at all.” write them an email about your view on this
matter.
Economics student Anton Kerkenezov said,
“This is vicious cycle due to the fact that stu- Pictures courtesy of NUS Press Office
dents borrow money from the government in
order to pay tuition fees, which many of whom
cannot re-pay due to being unsuccessful, un-
employed or earning less than £15,000, thus
the government loses money. If the tuition fees
increase and the cap is changed or removed,
then the government will just end up losing
more money!”

Councillor Chris Ward said that “students in

Guildford face some of the highest living costs
in the country. Increasing tuition fees further
will price many students out of education, par- Above : Wes Streeting

Are you aware of Malware?!

There is a malware (malicious software) infection running across Reception and fill in a ResNet Support Form so that an advisor
ResNet at the moment. ResNet supervisors are taking steps to deal can come and investigate and clean your system. In the
with this right now and should to be able to bring the infection under meantime, do not use your computer and leave it switched off.
control fairly quickly. This will involve some disruption to service
while we take the steps needed to quarantine the infection. There In desperate need, all users can still log-in and use the IT Labs
are currently around 100 affected users. This malware is hijacking in their departments, the library or the AP building – even if
users’ computers and is communicating with servers in the Ukraine. their halls access is blocked. The central IT Labs on the ground
floor of the Austin Pearce building remain open 24 hours a day.
All known infected computers are being blocked from the network
to prevent them spreading the infection. If you’ve been blocked,
you will see a web page on your computer telling you that your
computer has been isolated. Some users may not get this warning–
however, your ResNet connection will suddenly stop working. George Watson
ResNet Supervisor
All users should update their anti-virus and anti-spyware
updates, using their product’s on-line protection update
(Sometimes called ‘LiveUpdate’, ‘On-line update’ or similar)
then run a full scan of your system. Remember to update
and run both your anti-virus and your Anti-spyware products.
If you have been disconnected then your computer is
probably infected. Please don’t panic. We will have this under
control shortly. In the meantime, please go to your Court 3
 “Here’s your degree certificate… that will
be £15 please…”
By Claire Worgan
Graduation day symbolises the end of your years here at Surrey. You’ve
paid your fees, you’ve done your time and worked hard to earn that
all important definitive qualification. However, for this year’s Surrey
graduates there’s one final catch. Unlike previous year’s graduates
who received three complimentary tickets for their family to attend their
ceremonies, this year’s graduates will now have to pay £15 per guest to
attend their son and daughters very special day, with the permittance
of only two guests to attend each ceremony.
According to the graduation pack that graduates receive:
“Due to limited space we can only guarantee
two guest tickets which you may purchase
for £15 each. This charge includes: Parking
provision, refreshments throughout the day,
attendance to the ceremony, attendance
at the celebratory reception including
welcome drinks upon arrival and a buffet
lunch .”
On top of the cost of ordering the gown and
mortar board plus photographs, tickets for
grad ball, travel costs and accommodation,
Is it any wonder that people often decide not
to attend their graduation ceremonies? With
the increase in top up fees proposed by the
government, the universities themselves
are starting to overlook the important factor
of making students’ times at the university
some of the most significant in their lives,
not the most expensive. Should we address the point that, rather then
money being spent on a giant stag statue, money could be better
spent elsewhere on things such as making graduation ceremonies the VP Education Nick Entiwistle said...
celebrated day they are meant to be rather then the expensive cost-
inducing final moments at university?
One student who is graduating in April said, “We already pay thousands ones who didn’t do a professional training year) will be the first to have
of pounds each year to attend university; I’m leaving this University with paid well over 9,000 pounds plus living expenses for their degree.
20K worth of debt and I’m certainly not alone, charging for graduation It’s a real kick in the teeth that the University is now charging for the
is the last blow.”
Maddie Mcgowan from Surrey’s Marketing Department had this to
say...
“The university feels strongly that it must provide a high quality
Graduation experience for students in recognition of their hard work
and achievement. We have over the past two years totally transformed
the graduation celebrations and are now able to offer a consistent high
quality experience. We started this review with two principles. The first
that our graduands should enjoy a very high quality graduation ceremony
and celebration and leave with find memories of the event and their time
at Surrey. The second principle was that regardless of any contribution
made by other guests the cost for the graduands themselves should
be covered by the University. Graduands are therefore not charged for
ceremony or celebration.
Balancing the escalating costs whilst
achieving and maintaining quality is
difficult, particularly in these economic
circumstances, nevertheless, the question
of charging for graduation guests was
considered very carefully by the university.
A survey of last year’s Surrey graduands
revealed that a clear majority considered
that a charge of £15 for guests was the
appropriate figure to cover a broad package
of features, including the reception and
buffet, refreshments throughout the day, a
live band/entertainment, parking, and the
ceremony itself. An extensive benchmarking
exercise against twenty other universities
then reassured us that with other charges
rising as high as £40, at £15 per ticket, Surrey is offering real value for
money.”
“Charging for a lunch reception is fair enough, but people should be
able to choose to have that or not. Some of this years graduates (the
ceremony itself.”

What are your thoughts? Email us at ussu.thestag@surrey.ac.uk

Average Cost Of Graduation

Gown and Cap Hire £38.00
Accomodation £15.00 ( Based on booking of campus room)
Tickets £30
Photographs £50 +
Photograph Frame with Surrey Crest £47.00
Grad Ball £60+

4 Travel Costs??
 The Next Deadline......
The Stag is taking a break
over the holidays but there
will be two more issues
after then.. so get
sending over Easter to get
your thoughts
Comments and Opinions Page published!

Increasing tuition fees will seal education’s fate

as the pyramid of affluence
Local councillor and former Surrey student they need to have the same stance as their
Chris Ward argues that removing the opponents in order to defeat them. It is
£3,000 cap on tuition fees will be financially damning to the reputation of the NUS that
devastating for Guildford students. if all their former Presidents who were MPs
had voted against fees, you would not be
The first ever “political” issue I got properly paying them now.
involved in was on tuition fees. It was in Seasons
Restaurant at one of the first meetings of Union In 2007 Surrey students elected me to be
Council in my second year at the University of one of their borough councillors. I became
Surrey. Charles Clarke was about to introduce the first former-student to do so and this has
variable fees of up to £3,000 per year for given local politics a renewed perspective
UK students and we were opposed. At that on student issues. I remember what it was
meeting, students decided to overwhelmingly like to worry about how I’d afford food for
back my motion to oppose the introduction of the next month. I remember the feeling
top-up fees and retrospectively the introduction of dread students commonly get when
of tuition fees as a whole. they realise exactly how badly ends won’t From left: Cllr Chris Ward, Cllr Tony Phillips, Cllr Steve
meet. I still see students today who are in the Freeman at the ‘Stop Fees Now’ march in London. All
Shreds of déjà vu are unfortunately occurring. same position I was, and many people cite three are the councillors for the uni area.
Back then it all started with the Vice Chancellors, them as proof that higher education funding is
all wondering exactly how they would continue fatally broken. I disagree. The day we know student population that will vastly change as
to fund higher education. It was a crisis of that HE funding is completely and irreparably higher education becomes more unattainable.
course, not just as to how they funded lecturers broken is the day where we no longer see these Over the next few weeks, I will be campaigning
and academic resources, but there were also struggling students at university – where they and collecting petition signatures on campus
statues that needed to be constructed outside will have decided right back at college or sixth with Sue Doughty, the town’s former MP
buildings and big Chief Executive payouts to be form that university was a future for them that (who incidentally voted against top-up fees in
given. There were a number of Vice Chancellors is completely out of reach. parliament). Sue will be standing for Parliament
who, back in 2005, had bigger salaries than in Guildford again for the next election, and
the Prime Minister. All this highlights the need We all need to fight this. It is so important fairer funding for students will be among our
for greater scrutiny on where the cash actually to the future prosperity of this country that key pledges.
goes if universities around the country are going we have a skilled and educated workforce.
to ask for more of it. When the recession ends, we will need skilled I oppose fees, along with my party, for the same
people to give us a good standing within the reason I did back in 2005. I believe entry to
Many things have changed since then. In global economy. We will need our engineers higher education should be based on your
the House of Commons, both the Liberal and scientists to compete with those in other brains, not your bank balance. The next time a
Democrats and the Conservatives joined forces countries. This will not be achieved if we deny member of your family goes under the knife on
to defeat fees, losing only by a handful of votes. talented people an opportunity to become the operating table, you want the peace of mind
Unfortunately, since then the Conservatives everything they can become simply because to know that the doctor holding the scalpel is
have U-turned on opposing tuition fees, they can’t afford it. in his job and qualified because s/he had the
reneging on their promise to the electorate talent and clear ability to succeed at it, rather
in the 2005 election. The National Union of Guildford has some of the highest living costs than because his/her parents could afford
Students (NUS) have eased their pressure on in the country. It is a disgrace that you are to get them into university. The underlying
the government, accepting the current £3k limit not considered for London weighting on your message is simple – ideally everybody should
seemingly as the way things are, arguing that student loan, despite sharing similar costs with be able to fulfil their potential, or at least get
the fight to keep the cap requires dialect with students who study in the city. The reason I set an opportunity to. The day that your destiny is
Labour and the Conservatives. It is a shame up our fast-growing Facebook group “Guildford shaped solely by the success of your parents is
that an organisation that previously fought so says NO to an increase in tuition fees” is
vehemently for student rights now believes that because Guildford is a prime example of a
the day that we truly have failed in promoting
social justice in the United Kingdom.
5
 Surrey’s Vice Chancellor Is 9th Highest Paid
By Amy Short
F igures published on Thursday 19th March in the Times Higher Edu-
cation (THE) show that The University of Surrey’s Vice Chancellor
Chris Snowden has the joint 9th highest annual salary for a VC in the
United Kingdom, which puts him top of the list for Vice-Chancellors of
the 1994 Group, a group of 18 Universities in the country that are of
similar size with similar interests, and use each other for comparison.
These universities are internationally renowned and research-intensive.
University of Bath, Loughborough, Queen Mary University of London and
Royal Holloway are to name but a few.
As Vice-Chancellor, Professor Snowden is the principal academic and as
Chief Executive is the principal administrative officer of the University
and therefore has an overarching responsibility for maintaining and pro-
moting efficiency, academic excellence and financial robustness within
the institution. He is supported in doing so by the Senior Staff Team.
Figures published in the same edition of THE show that the average
salary for full-time academic staff at Surrey is £42,316. This is the 93rd
highest average wage in the sector.
The University and College Union (UCU) accused university vice-chancel-
lors of hypocrisy over staff pay and student fees as it was revealed that,
following huge pay rises, they now earn, on average, about as much as
the Prime Minister (who’s salary in 2008 was £194,250). The union
said calls from vice-chancellors for higher student fees and restraints in
staff pay looked distasteful next to their own exorbitant increases.
The Times Higher Education’s annual survey of staff pay in higher educa-
tion, also released on Thursday, revealed that vice-chancellors’ average
pay is now £193,970 – thanks to a 9% pay rise between the academic
years of 2006-07 and 2007-08. Academic staff in comparison received
newsdeskstag@gmail.com
6
just a 5.7% rise at that time and an average salary of £43,686.
So can this huge salary really be justified? UCU general secretary, Sally
Hunt, said:
“In the week when universities have come out calling for higher univer-
sity fees and staff are being warned that any pay increases may lead
to redundancies, it is quite incredible and rather distasteful that vice-
chancellors again have enjoyed such exorbitant pay rises… It should
not come as a surprise that staff are sometimes sceptical when their
'leaders' ask for belts to be tightened. Nor should the government or
universities be surprised that the public are outraged when university
leaders call for increased fees and greater student debt.”
Nick Entwistle, Vice-President for Higher Education at the University of
Surrey Students’ Union also commented:
“At Surrey we are lucky that our Students’ Union has a close and produc-
tive working relationship with the University senior management team.
Talking to our Vice-Chancellor has led directly to positive steps such as
the 24 hour library access at exam time and keeping our Freshers’ Fayre
on Wednesday afternoons. Leadership that takes this collaborative ap-
proach, focussing on what students’ needs really are, is truly valuable.
However, the disparity between Vice-Chancellors’ salaries and average
graduate wages from all across the country is obvious. With all vice-
chancellors’ salaries in the 6-figure bracket it is no-wonder they do not
consider staggering student debt a barrier to higher education; we know
that this is simply not the case and it is for this reason that students and
students’ unions must have real input into the Higher Education Fund-
ing review: we know what that burden of debt really feels like.”
 I

SU R R E Y a r e
n k , t h e r e
t o b e f r a . . )
(b u t c h a n g e .
h i n g s I ’ d
a fe w t

Take part in the 2009 survey by visiting

www.thestudentsurvey.com7
 Campus Boy
Fear and Loathing on Campus
It was only a matter of time before loathing
poured forth from my bitter neurons toward my
fingertips to its final destination on this page.
I may alienate some of my readership. Hell, I
may not even have a readership. But if you’ve
stuck by this column through the year, well
done, I may be about to disown you. Especially
if you are male. Because I’ve come to notice
that us males are really… un-evolved, aren’t
we? I’ve likened humans to animals here
before, but student males are far more Homo
neanderthalensis than anything else.
I’ve witnessed the throwing of vegetables, eggs
and rotten fruit. An evening in my first year
wasn’t complete unless I heard the pitter-patter
of decomposing matter upon my window. My
attempts to reason with these brutes were met
with a series of unintelligable grunts. I don’t
think it was personal, as it never proceeded
to the throwing of human waste matter, but I
always had the phrase ‘it’s raining shats and
logs out there’ at the ready in order to raise an
inner smile, should such a situation arise. This
brings to mind another event in the first year.
It was a Monday night, the night in which my
sleep was always disturbed by morons banging
on my window as they made their drunken
journey back from town. Only this night was
different, because I was awoken by the sound
of mumbling outside. After a while, I wondered
why I hadn’t turned off my internal water-
feature before I went to sleep. It took me a long
time to realise that my room hadn’t been made-
over by Carol Smilie and Changing Rooms, and
therefore I didn’t own an internal water feature.
One of these vile males was gushing urine all
over my windowsill. I leapt out of bed, but by
the time I had got to the window they had made
their escape. My aim wasn’t to open the curtains
and get a good glimpse, as you may be thinking.
I had wanted to open my window with vigour
in order to hear the satisfying clunk of glass from their mouths before approaching, and
against face. I returned to bed, disappointed to then entering the target’s personal space,
achieve neither. without invitation, to press their body parts
against the body parts of a stranger. A little
We are meant to be mature beings now, surely? perspective is needed, I feel. I’m not making
Not wandering around like disrespectful myself out to be superior, but I have a little of
beasts, devaluing the degree by damage and that… humility. I realise that my genitalia is a
defacement. How, for example, are those weapon, a tool developed by man, and I mean
students doing Business expected to manage man here, to threaten women into submission
other people, without first managing themselves? and demonstrate superiority. We feel powerful
We’re too quick to make heroes of gob-shites, with that weapon in our pocket, so it is used to
beating their chests and making loud-mouth justify our behaviour.
groans in order to raise their profile amongst the
competition, as if they have a chance of mating It’s survival of the fittest, dog eat dog and so on,
with any chosen female member of the species yet I’d rather wither and die in the undergrowth
as a result of this behaviour. Males gather in than constantly feed my ego with the spoils
the Union and gyrate oddly, a display which is of combat. Apologies if you’ve persisted with
at the opposite end of the beauty spectrum to this rant and now feel alientated. Welcome
that of the Bird of Paradise. A bird, with a brain to my world. But I’ll happily bumble through
a fraction of the size of a human’s, is able to life, naturally unselected. Happily bumbling,
flirt with more panache, style and respect than because I know that my genes probably wouldn’t
many of the males I’ve witnessed. A lot look fit a future generation anyhow.
like perverts, carefully selecting the target of
affection from afar, wiping their slobber

Do you have a feature for

The Stag...

Grad Ball ����

Why not send it in to us
featuresdeskstag@gmail.com
FRIDAY 26TH JUNE 2009

Headline act to be confirmed soon | 7pm – 7am

Fun Fair | Casino | Performers | Paparazzi

Fortune Teller | Caricaturist | Magician

Photographer | Body Artists | Karaoke

DJ Leroy | Survivors Photograph

Full English Breakfast

Tickets available from the Bookshop soon

8
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By Roxana Nazemi
C.A.L.M.S.E.A
You have (hopefully) seen posters up around campus promoting our cause, C.A.L.M.S.E.A The trouble with landmines
(Campaign Against Landmines South East Asia). The project forms part of our final is, once the war is over, the
year Politics degree, and endeavours to raise awareness of the prevalence of land landmines remain, waiting
mines throughout South East Asia; to provide information as to how to offer support silently until activated. This is
for survivors of landmine accidents and, ultimately, rid the region of these deadly, where we come in – with your
unexploded weapons. The latter does appear overly optimistic for an undergraduate help, we can assist registered
degree project, but we are currently working closely with charities such as No More landmine charities in putting
Landmines and Landmine Action, who actively help and empower communities around an end to such devastating
the world by removing the threat of landmines and by providing much needed support accidents, and to clear mine
for the victims of landmine accidents, helping them to lead relatively ‘normal’ lives. fields before someone loses an
arm, a leg, or even their life.
The Statistics
On Wednesday 25th March,
South East Asia is awash with landmines left over from the Second World War, the we will be hosting an ‘anti-
Korean conflict, the Vietnam War and other internal conflicts (Cambodia, Vietnam and landmine’ conference, with
Laos being the worst affected in the region). An estimated 20,000 people are killed several guest speakers who
each year, with an additional 10,000 being maimed and disabled. Cambodia alone have extensive experience in
hosts up to 6 million landmines; some 40% of its villages have a mine problem and one the area of de-mining, and how
person per every 290 is an amputee. In Vietnam, the Government has estimated that to go about supporting victims
16,478 million sq m of land remains contaminated by landmines and UXO. and preventing accidents.

Who is affected? Please join out Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/

group.php?gid=138728655144&ref=ts ; we will contact all members early next week
A UNICEF survey carried out in Vietnam found that one third of all deaths caused by with details of time and venue.
mines are children, and half of all non-fatal mine injuries involved children. Victims
are inevitably the poorest and most vulnerable members of society; farmers, fleeing Alternatively, you can email me directly at li51rn@surrey.ac.uk
refugees, displaced families returning home after a conflict ends to mined villages, and
those who rely on their physical abilities for survival. Economic necessity leaves them I urge you to support this worthwhile cause, and help us rid the world of these lethal
with no option other than entering known minefields daily in search of food and water, weapons!
to cultivate, cut firewood and gather building materials. Civilian victims tend also to
be those who can least afford the healthcare necessary to treat landmine injuries.
Disturbing reports also reveal how, in some parts of the region, it has become common
practice for small children to be paid to retrieve landmines for re-sale.

Colab is a student based organisation which aims to

create a culture of collaboration between students,
teachers, the University, business and local community
by forging new connections and building new
relationships. We currently have twelve students working
part-time in Colab.

CoLab Discovery Workshops
Everyone’s received the emails! We’ve been running some really successful
workshops recently covering everything from Flickr to Twitter to Professional
Video Making. There’s always more to come, see what’s coming up and tell us
what you want to learn so we can set up one for you. We record everything so
if you’ve missed one you can watch it again with additional resources on the
website.
What do you think of our Multicultural Campus?
March 9-27th
See what Surrey Uni is doing to support our diverse cultures. The Colab team
has been out and about gathering the views of various students and student
bodies on issues that help to stimulate interesting discussions. The topic of
living in a multicultural society has been chosen as it’s something that is very
important to us at Surrey given that we live on a Multicultural Campus. Listen
to Lori’s discussion on Cultural Diversity, what it means to live and interact
with people from various backgrounds and other available opportunities that
10
are provided here at Surrey for people to bring various ideas together as one.
Have your say on what more can be done. We have extended our Multicultural
Campus theme to March 27th, look out for more interviews, videos and debate
on our website over the next week.
Credit Crunch
How has the credit crunch affected you? Some students don’t feel affected
because the Student Loans keep coming through, others have to stopped
buying non-necessities. There’s always the issue of friends and family who have
taken pay cuts, or even lost their jobs as companies decrease their workforce.
Xavier has gone out to find out what you think and how it’s changed your lives.
Add to the discussion as we continue our student voice into April.
Win @Co-Lab.eu
Everything is on our website www.co-lab.eu. You can watch the workshops and
what’s going on around the campus. Leave us comments and join in on our
discussions. If you can answer our simple question you can win £10!
Your input is very important to us. We want more views and opinions on this
topic so feel free to leave comments or raise more questions for discussion
around our topics, the best contributor this month wins £20
w ith
q u a d
l a z i n ’S
B ch 1 0 pm - 2 a m i n R u b ix

5 t h M ar b l e f rom
Wed 2 s a va i la p
Ti ck e t o ks h o
the Bo
Union
y
of Surre
iversity
The Un
n t s ’
Stu de

11
 EXCLUSIVE

Miss Editor Claire Worgan sits down for a quick interview with
comedy magician Pete Firman who appeared at Wates House
comedy night a few weeks back
Claire: For those of us that were not fortunate enough to see My favourite joke is one Eric Morecambe would always tell...
you at Comedy Night here at Surrey, tell us a little bit about “Two fellas in deck chairs on the beach, one says, ‘Its nice out isnt
what you do? it?’ The other says, ‘Yes, I think I’ll take mine out too.’
Its a great joke.
Pete: I guess I’m part comedian, part magician. A comedian that
does magic tricks or a magician that tells jokes, I’m not sure my- Claire: What's the best thing you have done in your career so
self. far?

Claire: How did you get into Magic/Comedy in the first Pete: I’ve had so many highs, but being invited to and performing at
place? Montreal’s ‘Just For Laughs’ Comedy Festival in 2008 was awesome
You have to be invited and I got to hang out and perform with people
Pete: When I was eight my parents bought me a magic set, that start- from Curb your Enthusiasm, The Simpsons, Entourage, Superbad. It
ed my hobby which has now become my profession. I’ve always loved was unbelievable fun.
comedy and tried to make the magic I did funny. Magic and comedy
go really well together. The structure of a good joke is exactly the Claire: Do you find you are expected to constantly be funny?
same as that of a good magic trick. The premise should be interest-
ing, the journey fun and the pay off should come as a surprise and Pete: Onstage yes. Offstage with friends and family there is no ex-
bring the whole thing to a harmonious conclusion. pectations.

Claire: Do you enjoy your job? Claire: Did you enjoy coming to Surrey?

Pete: Absolutely, I’ve been lucky enough to perform around the world
and on television. Its great being paid to do what you love.
Claire: Do you have a favourite trick/joke?
Pete: I do a trick with an egg and a small cloth bag which I love to
perform. It also uses two ladies from the audience, the egg vanishes
and appears, I flirt with the ladies, we have a laugh. It’s a really great
trick.
Pete: Yeah, your campus is big though. I got lost and had to ask two
cleaners how to get to the venue. They didn’t speak very good Eng-
lish but I understood the direction they pointed me in.
Claire: Should we expect to see you on the tele again soon?
Pete: I’m hosting a game show for the BBC later this year and I’m
also working on my own magic show. So yeah, I’ll be around.
Claire: Any closing words?

12 Pete: Thanks for having me.

 ******** WARNING *******
THIS IS NOT NEWS!
Boring meal blamed on lacklustre pasta sauce
By Pete “Birthday Boy” Nattress
A local student has attributed the bland nature
of his latest meal to a brand of “tasteless” pasta
sauce. Bradley Chanwanga, a nineteen year old
Business Management student, lashed out at the
Dolmeal sauce soon after he finished consuming
his disappointing meal on Wednesday evening.
“Well, that was a letdown,” complained Chanwanga,
as he wiped the red substance purporting to be
“sun-ripened cherry tomatoes” off his messy face.
He went on to explain how he was initially drawn
in by the sauce’s promises of “a delicious taste
of Tuscany”, only to discover “a monotonous taste
of sod-all”. “If that’s what food in Tuscany actually
tastes like, then God help the Tuscan populace,”
he added.
Chanwanga went on to speculate that some of the
claims on the sauce’s bottle were probably either
exaggerated or without merit. “Fresh herbs and
spices hand-picked from the fields surrounding
Florence?” he spluttered incredulously, stating that the green flecks
of stuff masquerading as herbs were about as flavoursome “as the
emaciated arsehole of a petrified hamster”. He also added that the
“exotic wild mushrooms” were “less exotic than a day out to Southend-
on-Sea where all you do is get drunk and piss on the beach”.
When approached for comment by a Not News journalist, a Dolmeal make it a bit more interesting.
spokesperson said that the sauce had passed all relevant food safety
tests and had been approved by a committee of
experts. “Whenever we release a new product, we
give it to a focus group to ensure it is completely
palatable,” said Dolmeal.
“That group mostly consists of bitter single thirty-
somethings, the elderly, and people who don’t know
what decent food actually tastes like, so we think
that’s a good approximation of our target market.”
Pasta sauce is a staple of many students’ diets,
along with toast, crisps, and festering slices of old
pizza left on the kitchen table from the previous
night. It provides a vital way for thousands of culinary
incompetents to receive their weekly intake of red
food colourings and Tesco Value fusilli. Because
of its importance to so many people, Chanwanga
believes that Dolmeal has a duty to uphold a
minimum standard for their products.
“It’s not that it tasted crap. It’s that it didn’t taste of
anything,” he whinged as he slopped the remains of
his flavourless meal into the bin. “If I spend twenty
minutes doing all that complicated boiling and stirring, which is actually
quite dangerous, I at least expect some sort of excitation in my taste
buds in return.”
Chanwanga concluded by saying that he will probably try a different
sauce next week, and may even grate some cheese over the top to

1350am GU2 Raised Over £2000 For Comic Relief And I Didn’t
Even Have To Wear A Godawful Red Nose
By Andy Vale
As I write this it is exactly one week since I completed my 36 hour radio The overall highlight was the sleep deprivation hallucinations. They be-
show. I’d like to start off by thanking everyone who donated; we shat- gan after being awake for almost forty hours straight and I started to feel
tered my target of £1350 long before the end of the show and donations people touching me despite being alone. Shortly after that I saw a taran-
are still dribbling in now. tula, it took me about five seconds to realise it was a leaf. The odd thing
was that I didn’t even care that a tropical arachnid was in my immediate
Due to me being a self-absorbed hermit that doesn’t take a lot of interest vicinity; I just wished the person in the toilet would hurry up.
in other people, I’ll tell you a wee bit about how the show went. It started After Rubix, GU2 was flooded with people, pizza and general fun to help
at 9pm Thursday evening. This was a stupid time to start, especially as me get through the final slog. Finally at 9am the whole thing was over
I barely slept during the day. But I’d made plans and couldn’t change at and I slept for a solid eight hours afterwards. I might’ve stupidly pro-
this point. Actually I probably could’ve done but it would’ve required piss claimed that I’d do 100 hours next time, but I hope I was lying.
poor manners on my part.
We also had the GU2 AGM last week. All sorts happened but the impor-
The first night was good fun. It included some top class hip-hop on De- tant thing is that I was elected Press Officer again, so you will be seeing
caps Bassment and then I spent most of The Late Show looking at peo- these articles for another year. The address to send unwashed knickers
ple half naked in their kitchen. Next was six beautiful hours alone in the to is still the same.
studio with a surprisingly large audience even at stupid o’clock in the
morning. During a long song I had a run by the cathedral at five in the To get better entertainment than Facebook, essays and porn, listen to
morning. I’d like to say thank you to the drunk Romanian who waved at GU2 radio at http://www.gu2.co.uk or 1350am. Catchy Slogan.
me during this time. 13
An apology for Issue 6’s fashion page, due to a printing error text was erased from the original document and therefore was not shown on the page itself. If you
are interested in any of the items within that Issue, please write on The Stag’s Facebook page stating your inquiry and a reply will be made in due course.

Casual
Waistcoat Print
Vest, £16

Mid Blue Stitch

Shorts, £18

Next

Soul Cal
Cupcake
Shopper Bag,
£9.77
ASOS
Pearl & Chain Bracelet,
£8
Accessorize

Tasselled
Anchor print vest, Ankle Boot,
Embroidered £25
blouse, New Look
£8 £32
Stud & Fringe Bag, Love Label
£15 Matalan
New Look

Rose Print Full Skirt,

Hot Trendsfor this season have arrived in BE BEAU One
shoulder flamingo
£27.50
style leaving the world in awe of new and vintage print top,
fashion. Sailor chic, folksy floral and the return of £18.00
ASOS
our fringed favourites are a few of the most
prominent styles of the spring. No doubt these Matalan
designs will carry through to the end of the summer.
Well priced and long-lasting, what every girl wants
to hear...Enjoy!
By Natalie Millard

Coleen
Sterling
Silver Pink
Crystal Heart
Babydoll bow
Pendant, court,
£12.00
£12.69
Matalan
Argos
Cherry print
prom dress,
BE BEAU Gingham £25.00
prom dress,
£25.00 Matalan

Matalan

14
Miso Neon Two
Tone Dress,
£22.50
Republic
COOPS,
£65.00
Faith
Going out BE BEAU Monet
print dress,
£20.00

Matalan
Whatever you do, don’t mention
the D-shhh!
By Chetna Pandya
I’ve been M.I.A for the last couple of issues, even forgot
to add my name to the article before that. I’ve been
slowly fading away, sinking into an ocean of SPSS and
discussions, results analysis and double spacing.
Those final years who are doing, or have finished, will
know what I’m talking about… the dreaded ‘D Word’.
I’ve found that once you start talking about it, you can’t
stop. With that, you end up arguing, because there’s
nothing worse than your friend blabbering on about how
she’s writing her references and you’re still bricking it
over the discussion.
That said, let’s move on.
I have hardly any time to cook fancy things at the moment,
and those who know me are aware I’m not the fancy
chef type. Maybe I would experiment more if I had my
own kitchen. Maybe I’m just lazy and making excuses.
Whatever the reason, myself, along with a number of
students I know, can’t turn into Nigella Lawson at the
drop of a chef’s hat and unfortunately time doesn’t grow
on trees (along with money and eligible single men).
What I need right now is something quick, tasty and
satisfying (no wisecracks please). We get the munchies
whilst working or revising hard and I’m definitely not
one to turn preachy and frown upon the consumption
of chocolate during high-pressured situations. But one
must feed the brain and body with longer lasting sources
of energy than chocolate! Woman cannot survive on
chocolate (and a vibrator) alone, you know. There are
other food groups, namely carbohydrate (the type that
gives you more energy and fibre), fruit and vegetables,
protein, dairy, as well as the obvious refined/sugary/
fatty junk (which is why it tastes good).
So without further ado, here are a couple of quick,
simple and tasty dishes to whip up in the evening. Let’s
be frank, these recipes are so simple, chances are
you’ve probably already tried them. But it’s 1am, I’m
still working, and my fingers are cramping from constant
scrolling on a laptop touchpad, so I’m thinking simplicity
is the key in such desperate circumstances.
Pasta and Beans
Serves: 2 (or 2 days worth if you don’t get bored easily)
Other: Mind numbingly simple, even I can do it while in a work-
induced stupor
Ingredients
- 4 handfuls of pasta
- 1 jar pasta sauce
- 1 can kidney beans/chick peas or similar
- Cream cheese (can be low fat)
1. Boil pasta and drain
2. Microwave kidney beans according to instructions on can
3. Add beans to pasta
4. Mix in sauce as desired
5. Add low fat cream cheese to give it a cheesy flavour (it’s
healthier than adding loads of grated cheddar!)
6. Serve with garlic bread (if desired, which I always do)
Makeshift Pizza
Serves: 1
Other: Again a very easy one, you can expand the recipe
depending on how hungry you are and also use leftover pasta
sauce
Ingredients
- 1 large naan bread/2 pitta breads
- Pasta sauce/chopped tomatoes (but it tastes a little plainer
with just chopped tomatoes)
- Chopped onion
- Chopped chillies (if desired)
- Grated cheddar/mozzarella cheese
1. Grill one side of the naan/pitta breads (make sure you defrost
first if they’ve been in the freezer or it tends to go soggy)
2. Turn over the naan/pitta after one side has cooked and
spread on the pasta sauce
3. Add the cheese, onion, chillies and pepper if desired, on top
4. Grill until cheese has melted
15
 surrey loves
No Clothes Night

16
 TO
Photos Courtesy of
Adam Sayer
For full album please
visit the Surrey Flirt
Facebook Page

Red Nose Day

17
 Guildford Internatio
onal Music Festival String Stairway
MelindaKerrison
Photography y Exhibition
Flickr: melkerrison

“A Life in the Day of Music”

Guildford Internatio
Photography
onal Music Festival
y Exhibition TheMotionof TheCircleof
Music Music
AndrewPye Zheng Lin(Max)
March
h 2009

“A Life in the Day of Music” Flickr: a.j.pye maxology@me.com

Exhibitioon Guide
March
h 2009 UntouchedbyTime
AndrewPye
TheConnection
Zheng Lin(Max)

Flickr: a.j.pye maxology@me.com

Exhibitioon Guide
Reproductionprintsavailableinallsizes.
Discountsforstaff(10
0%)andstudents(20%)
First Violin
FirstViolin
TheArtof
Instrument
Zheng Lin(Max)
AndrewPye

Flickr: a.j.pye maxology@me.com

Reproductionprints
Seehttp://uss uavailableinallsizes.
See http://ussu.co.uk/photo
co uk/photo
oremailr.sporea@su
urrey.ac.uk fordetails
Discountsforstaff(10
0%)andstudents(20%)

Seehttp://uss
See http://ussu.co.uk/photo
u co uk/photo
Andrew Pye and Max Zheng Lin have been awarded
oremailr.sporea@su
urrey.ac.uk fordetails
prizes for the best overall submission Sparrowhawk Solutions Ltd

and for the best photograph respectively.

18
WAK E U P
CA L L

d ay to f r idays
1. 3 0 A M mon
8.00AM til l 1
H A N C E L L ORS
G S E R V E D IN C
NOW BEIN
JU S T £ 2 . 0 0

INCLUDES H a nd a
N D W I C
a BACON SA o r TEA
O F F E E
CUP of C

19
By Mariam Nasir - Co - Societies Editor
*I-Gala* The audiences were gripped by the next performance, which
was by the Sikh Society. It was one of the most anticipated
One of the most anticipated events of the year, the I-Gala acts of the evening since it incorporated real weapons such
show was presented last week. It was a stupendous end to the as swords and spears in a form of martial art called the
I-Festival, which was an opportunity for the many cultures and gatka. The last part of their act involved a blind-folded much
nationalities to share and merge. The societies that took part experienced man who with his sword had to go around the
in this spectacle did not only entertain the audience but they stage and cut pieces of fruit which were held by the members
also managed to teach us something about their traditions of the act. The whole audience was mesmerised, as if in a
and beliefs. trance- all eyes on the blindfolded man with the sword. The
The show began with the Malaysian society displaying their act was successful and this granted them a standing ovation
Sultan and traditional martial arts- the Silat. Following this by the whole audience. This was truly the highlight of the
was the Chinese society with a romantic song called ‘Romance I-Gala and hats off to the Sikh society for organising such an
under the moonlight’ which was played on a traditional Chinese amazing and truly captivating act for us.
musical instrument. The music filled the hall and everyone Going back to Europe, the Portuguese society presented a
was enticed by the wonderful melody. video which showed their cities and famous attractions.
The Asian society brought a whole new colour to the show by The last act was certainly one to be memorable, that of the
their mix of modern and traditional as well as adding spice Pakistan Student’s Association. They presented a new and
to the I-Gala. Their performance also consisted of a fashion upcoming talent- Ambika Jois. She has been featured on the
show which showed many different styles of their traditional BBC network and at the young age of twenty-two has managed
clothing. The Iranian society, much to the audience’s delight, to get a part in the much anticipated movie Prince of Persia
brought out their dancers whose performance was one of (release date 5/2010). Her voice filled the hall and everyone
the highlights of the evening. Going across Asia, the Indian was surprised by her amazing talent. She sung many songs,
society did not cease to surprise us by their patriotical songs including Christina Aguilera as well as Hindi songs from the
and graceful classical dances. movie Sur. To hear more of Ambika, log on to www.myspace.
com/ambikaonline.
The Cypriot and Hellenic societies brought in the taste of
Europe by their traditional dances and musical instrument- This brought us to the end of the I-Gala and to the end of an
bozoukia. The African Caribbean Society introduced a whole evening which many of us will remember for a long time. It
new aspect to the Gala by interacting with the audience. Their was superbly organised and many thanks to the Students’
hosts managed to keep the audience in fits of laughter. Their Union for such an amazing event. I look forward to next year’s
acts included a gospel choir who sang praises to the Lord as performances.
well as Darren, who read poetry. His motto being; ‘The ambition
within my vision I aim at with my power and precision’.

Have you got news to share

from your society?
Let our Societies Editor know
at
societiesdeskstag@gmail.com

20
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21
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 MUSIC
The Hours – See The Light? Released 20/04/09
The first draft of this review was going to say some-
thing like ‘first album was good blah blah... Second
album’s a bit rubbish blah blah.... the end’. HOW-
EVER, my mind has been somewhat changed, and
I’m going to tell you why. Firstly, The Hours aren’t big
on memorable tunes. Their piano-led songs tend to
wash over you if you’re not listening properly and,
to be honest, a lot of them sound the same. A bit
harsh? Maybe. But having thoroughly enjoyed their
first effort, Narcissus Road, I expected to put the al-
bum on, sit back, and have the little music pixies
float into my head holes. That didn’t happen. The
Hours require effort, and if you give a little, you can
get a little bit more back. Opening track ‘Big Black
Hole’ is familiar territory and has a pretty catchy
chorus – ideal first single material. Other notable at-
tempts include the Aqualung-esque ‘Car Crash’ and
the quasi-Keane ‘Come On’ but, in fact, most of the
tracks sound like they were written by a hybrid love-
child of both of those bands. The lyric ‘the cash cow
is headed for the slaughterhouse’ makes me want
to vomit, and to be honest, most of the lyrics are a
bit... bad.
But you don’t listen to The Hours for the lyrics or the
originality. No. You listen to this album because you
like hearing music that sounds like The Hours. As
simple as that. This isn’t a good album, but it’s by no
means rubbish.
3/5
Patrick Hunter

You Me At Six, The Spill Canvas and Emarosa -

Camden Roundhouse - 13th March 2009
One thing stood out more than anything with this line-up. You Me At SixFrom Weybridge in Surrey and with an average age of about 19, You Me
have dramatically gained in popularity and success in recent months, At Six had me a bit envious. This was a huge venue, and they had clearly
and to headline seven shows around the country with support from put a lot of thought and effort into making it a great night for everyone
Emarosa and The Spill Canvas, two big American bands, was big news. involved. Before they came out on stage, a huge white curtain was hung
The two support bands are fairly well known over the pond, and this in front of the stage, and each member was lit by white and red lights as
sell-out show was prepped to be an amazing night. Arriving at the ven- they came on. Once they dropped the curtains to reveal themselves, the
ue, there was one of the longest queues that I had ever seen, plagued crowd went crazy. Their fanbase is pretty young, and these guys clearly
have total control and adoration from them. It amazed me how many
with hoards of drunken 14 year old girls desperate to get in. The Round-
house is a great venue, and it was a perfect way to end what had been people in the audience actually knew all the words to their songs, often
a hugely successful tour. with Josh getting them to sing it for them with ease. These guys will go
a long way and, having just signed to Epitaph in the US, they will be very
Emarosa opened the night, and unusually came out bang on time. Their popular over there. They even dropped a cover of 'Sugar, We're Goin'
singer has an incredible voice, with a vocal range that most people Down' by Fall Out Boy, which of course everybody loved.
would be jealous of. At one point in their set, he climbed up onto a
speaker and jumped off into the crowd, badly twisting his ankle in the 5/5
process. He had to go to hospital and, speaking to him afterwards, he
informed me that he had aimed for the crowd but hit the floor. by Mark Allen

The Spill Canvas was a band I was really excited to see, having heard
about them from a friend in the States. Their infectious guitar parts
mixed with technically brilliant drum parts and powerful vocals is what
makes them so exciting to see live. Their set was really tight, but I did
notice that they weren't talking or interacting with the crowd much, and
it did seem that they were older by a good few years compared to the
other bands on the bill.

22
musicdeskstag@gmail.com
 Hey Stoopid- Alice Cooper (02/07/91)
Okay, it’s not a new album. Not by a long shot.
However, Alice Cooper embellishes controversy
and you’re never quite sure where you stand
with him. Some have labelled him as merely
somebody who is out to shock people, or at
least somebody who was out to shock people.
Others have labelled him a music marvel, in-
spiring such artists as Marilyn Manson and
Johnny Rotten of Sex Pistols fame. The ques-
tion of what he is bares similarities to the Jack
the Ripper case. It’s outrageous, it’s intriguing
and somehow I don’t think it’s ever going to be
solved! But trying to is half the fun.
The title track ‘Hey Stoopid’ starts off with a
classic rock sound that makes every muscle
in your body start wanting to play air guitar.
It’s heavy, it has the right pace and tempo but
what’s this? What’s the song about? It’s about
taking care of yourself. Sex, Drugs and Rock
‘n’ Roll? More like plasters, hugs and sausage
rolls! (Okay I stole the bit about sausage rolls).
Well no, it isn’t… Make decisions that are right
for you. Being safe and aware isn’t a matter
of being cheesy. Alice himself says, ‘This ain’t
your daddy talking’. Have a good time in Ru-
Metric ‘Fantasies’ Released 27/04/09
So Metric are back with another indie rock
album, and I must confess I had not listened
to their previous albums before now, which is
crazy seeing as they originally formed over ten
years ago. With their first album winning an
award for the best alternative album in 2003,
it appears I am somewhat late jumping on the
bandwagon. With so many new bands to keep
track of, what is a girl to do?! Well, basically, I
gave this album a good listening to. The band
is from Canada, and although this may not be
easily identifiable, it is clear that they are not
English indie, but more the kind that would
have been played in the background of The
O.C and the like. The songs sound cool, and
you can imagine cool people listening to them.
They don’t excite me though (so perhaps I’m
not cool??). Each song has a catchy chorus,
but Emily Haines (the lead singer) seems rela-
tively bored singing them… I know this is their
style, so it’s not a criticism, it’s just not what
floats my boat.
As I press play over and over again to really get
to know the songs, they do grow on me. I real-
ise I may be too late finding this group to truly
fall in love them, but I do at least like them.
I’m sure diehard fans will not be disappointed
either… hopefully. I realise I haven’t said how
musicdeskstag@gmail.com
bix, just make sure a friend walks you home,
that kind of thing. The second song ‘Love’s a
loaded gun’ has a slower feel but still retains
that adrenaline from the first song. It’s about
a guy who loves a woman but she basically
sleeps around with a load of other guys. Sim-
ple enough, but shows how crushing stuff like
that can be. Notice how I’m concentrating on
the lyrics rather than the overall sound? Could
be something in this. Now, personally, the next
song is the best on the album. It’s a total gem.
It’s not even a single but it really should have
been! ‘Snakebite’ is catchy, it’s raw and it gets
your heart going. I think it’s about commitment
and trust. It’s kind of all fitting together now.
The album is pretty consistent but the beauty
of it is it’s varied. No two songs are exactly the
same. The same formulae, yes, but never the
same sounds or point of views being expressed.
I think Cooper has the total package here.
When listening to Rock, I find that you get ei-
ther meaningful lyrics or adrenaline pumping
action. You only have to scratch the surface
to get this stuff, yet it is intelligent and clearly
honest. Oh yeah, the adrenaline’s pretty pump-
this track is like this but the next is like some-
thing else, but basically they are indie rock
with a nice splash of electro. The album is a
mix of fast paced songs interspersed with soft
ones, with a mature professional sound. They
know what they are doing and they do it well.
If you need to know what each track sounds
like, I suggest you give it a listen. You won’t look
back.
4/5
Rachael Fitz-Patrick
ing also! So what of the born-again Christian
who hangs and beheads himself on stage? I’m
not going to say. Really have a listen, make up
your own mind.
Anon
4/5
Jack’s Mannequin
Kings College Student Union,
London
10.03.09
Fronted by Andrew McMahon, formerly of Something Cor-
porate fame, Jack’s Mannequin played two dates in the
UK this March as part of a European tour, promoting the
release of new album ‘The Glass Passenger’. Both of the
gigs sold out in record time and, with individual tickets
reaching as much as £80 on EBay, it was clear that this
was a much sought-after event. With expectations mount-
ing high, the band needed to prove themselves worthy of
such a phenomenal response and, luckily, they did not dis-
appoint. The show opened with an energetic performance
of ‘Crashing’, taken from their new album, moving swiftly
into hit songs ‘The Mixed Tape’ and ‘Kill the Messenger’,
both from first album ‘Everything in Transit’. The audience
response was incomparable, with songs such as ‘La La
Lie’ obtaining an incredible level of involvement from the
entire room. Overall, the show was slick and fast-paced
with the songs placed in an arguably perfect order. The
encore doubled as a grand finale as the band included an
exclusive rendition of ‘Cavanaugh Park’, from Something
Corporate’s album ‘Leaving Through a Window’. After such
an impressive performance, there is no doubt that the
band will experience a repeat success when they return to
the UK this summer.
Cecily Child 23
 Morrissey ‘Year of the Refusal’
released 16/2/09
He’s back EVERYONE! Well I say he’s
back, Morrissey is one of those elusive
Would you like to
figures in the music industry, who brings
out an album quite readily (three al-
bums in the last four years), but is seen
voice your thoughts
as one of the geniuses of song writing.
Renowned for being rather melancholy
in nature, something which is reflected
on something you’ve
heard lately?
in the lyrics, ‘Something is squeezing
my skull, something I cannot barely de-
scribe, there is no hope in modern life’,
the lyrics from the first track of the al-
bum, ‘Something is Squeezing my Skull’.
The track ‘Black Cloud’ is equally as

Email our music

glum. Sounds lovely! I do joke, though.
reminiscent of The Smiths towards the
Morrissey is rather fresh-sounding for a
end of their career. Morrissey, as I said,
sound that is quite classic. This is a far
is an acquired taste and he’s got the
better album then ‘Ringleader of the Tor-
mentors’, being much more accessible
and with a better band formation than
the last album. Morrissey is an acquired
Marmite factor, but this album has me
hooked from beginning to end. And my
friend Matt rather likes this album too - if
editor at
taste, his music doesn’t shy away from
he does, then so will you!
musicdeskstag@gmail.com
the more dark sides of music, and this
4/5
album is refreshingly gloomy. The high-
Miriam Kidane
light from this record is ‘All You Need is
Me’, an early 90s inspired track, very

MID-WEEK £1.50 SPECIALS

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The specials will be run from Mondays to Fridays

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A NEW RANGE AT THE START OF
EVERY NEW WEEK
For further details or other information
please ask the Chancellors Bar Staff. Thank you.

24
Literature Get those creative juices flowing....

The Kite Runner DOWN

By Alexandra Ormerod

by Khaled Hosseini I hadn't noticed the

gradient
Reviewed by Amy Barnes and there being no
brakes
The novel tells the story of Amir and Hassan, two child- down was an inevitable
hood friends growing up in 1970s Kabul. United by their
fathers’ strong bond, the boys share many happy times
progression.
together. Their friendship is frequently tested by the prej- But this was no progress.
udiced jibes regarding Hassan’s Shi’a religion. Amir finds
himself torn between the affection for his friend, his quest Low ran too high
to win his father’s pride and his obligation to appease under it a quasi sub life
Assef, the brutal bully who takes pleasure in tormenting lived still and pain full.
Hassan. When the day of the Kite Running Tournament
arrives, Amir is elated to emerge victorious, finally the ap-
Mono In chrome and
ple of his father’s eye. But Hassan’s unfaltering loyalty tone.
to retrieve the kite that Amir felled -the trophy symbolis-
ing his victory- ends in tragedy. Amir witnesses an event Slow was its abiding
that will ultimately change the course of their lives for- mark.
ever, and his decision to choose cowardice over courage Breath and pulse
haunts him for the rest of his life.
Altering their cadence
The novel is fantastic and has all the components of a In accord
gripping and moving read. The characterisation, particu- With this sad hinterland.
larly of Amir’s bold and complex father Baba, is detailed
and enables the reader to engage with the plot. The jux- There was no joy.
taposition in setting between Afghanistan and America It having leached out
provides an insight into Afghan culture which I found
particularly interesting. Amir’s continuous battle with his
And left an opaque cast
conscience underpins the plot, and the shattering events In its wake
of his childhood shape his adult life beyond comprehen- It could not be felt. It had
sion. ‘The Kite Runner’ is a beautiful, heartfelt book and no parts.
is proof that Hosseini has crafted something that will
leave a lasting impression upon those who read it. There was no punctuation
to this dull litany.
An internal drawl,
A Miseram,
Have you read a book recently and An abnegation of life,
thought it was worth raving about? its force.
Maybe you have written and poem and No counter, no sop
need a debut? to brake the fall
No sudden succour
Simply a slow incremen-
Then why not contact our Literature tal Incline
Editor A realisation - this way led
up.
“Do you have a large cranium?”

literature deskstag@gmail.com “Would you like to meet J. Paxman face to face?”

If both of the answers are YES to the above, then

please contact Aaron Salins by the 31st March 2009.
Please email a.salins@surrey.ac.uk

25
 Creative Writing Competition
The standard of entry for the creative writing competition
was excellent and the two winners produced imaginative
and well-written pieces. Alexandra Ormerod's poem, 'Down',
was finely structured, eloquent and used strong imagery,
while Maxine Oakley's short prose piece, 'Knowing Your
Place', (published below) combined a sharp visual sense
with a beautifully comic tone.

The English Department is keen to support the Students'

Union in awarding prizes for creative writing. Students enjoying a film in 3D @ Shadowrooms in SoM1

Knowing Your Place

By Maxine Oakley
Travelling through the bustling epicentre of any town, the
signs are oh so clear. We are guided by the little green
leprechaun across the perilous roads, keeping a sharp
eye out for that devilish little red heathen who attempts
to stop us in our tracks. Squish; that bug should have
followed his advice. Past the pub; 18s and over, a lonely
puppy sits outside attached to a lamppost. Poor doggy.
Carrying on, I stop and stand triumphantly on the double
yellows, looking for a place to park myself. Over there
maybe? Oh, customers only, go figure. Walking along the
market I find roses; 50p each, what a price! Past a shop
window, a plain black jumper hangs inside, price tag £95.
I’ll go to Primark. Climbing ever higher, I see a sign; stop,
so I do. A bus whirls by; no change given for those too flash
for jingling cash. I now know the Cathedral is in sight; is
26
that Christians only? Perhaps not, it appears welcoming.
The doors are later shut, I discover. Along the houses I go;
For Sale, how much then? It doesn’t specify; free would be
nice. Past the industrial park; no entry for unauthorized
personnel, I didn’t want to go in there anyway. Across
the blue bridge I can see the station. The word Delayed
echoes down the track. On campus a fellow student
wears a University of Surrey jumper, that’s nice to know, I
thank them for reminding me where I am. Back on sturdy
old Stag Hill I reach the house, number... never mind. Up
the stairs, there it is, that’s more like it. Spreading out on
the bed something catches my eye, No Posters. What the
hell, I’m living dangerously.
Film Get the popcorn ready.....
The Young Victoria (PG)
(Miranda Richardson) and her ruthless advisor (Mark Strong).
When made Queen of England, she endures the trials of her
role as Queen, while coping with her close relationship with
Prince Albert.

While the film has the touch of a feather and does not really
have the sharpness to dig into the early history of Queen Vic-
toria, I see the film more as a basic melodramatic love story.
The surface has a nice shiny gloss and it all feels pretty harm-
less in the grand scheme of things. I find the film acceptably
earnest and while there is not that much in the way of plot, it’s
Of all the terrible ‘chick flicks’ out at the moment (He’s Just a humble Saturday morning film.
Not That Into You, Confessions of a Shopaholic et al), this one
has sophistication and a considerable amount of decency. Ollie Sim
The story tells the ‘other’ side of Queen Victoria as a young,
nervous, potentially vulnerable, but most of all exuberant heir 3/5
to the throne. At the beginning, she is confined by her mother

Marley and Me (PG)

Note to self: if a film with Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson
is being out-acted by the dog, you’re in trouble. You’re also in
trouble when you have the audacity to include ‘Shiny Happy
People’ over the opening credits, which probably relates to
the sadistic, mind numbing experience to come. That is prob-
ably the only merit I can give about this film; the dog is cute.
Aside from that, what you’ve got is a film that has one concept
and then just goes onto sentimental autopilot. To be honest, I
couldn’t be more tired by this.

Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson play a newlywed couple

that decide to move to Florida (paid for by the Miami Tourism
Board, I hope the writers are enjoying their new yachts). Owen
Wilson has got a job at a major city newspaper as a success-
ful columnist (I don’t believe that for a second). They are not
ready for a baby, so they decide to get a Labrador by the name Ollie Sim
of Marley. What will happen next? I am quaking with fear by
the next crazy situation that comes their way. And by “quaking 1/5
with fear” I mean, “pass the bucket. NOW!”

filmdeskstag@gmail.com 27
Watchmen (18)
This one is a headache to judge. On the
one hand, I have never read the comic, but
I have heard that it is mostly faithful to the
Alan Moore graphic novel. I can understand
if one is part of a huge fan base, there is
little to criticise the film if it is just ‘faithful’
to its source. Well, sorry for being kicked
outside the fan circle, but the narrative is
a giant sludge where every step is painfully
tedious and you can be stuck for hours get-
ting nowhere.
The basic plot is this (and I mean very ‘ba-
sic’); a member of an elite group of vigilante
superheroes is killed. In the dawn of an im-
pending nuclear war, the group are forced to
reconcile after a hiatus, determined to bring
peace to the world. Now go over that plot in
your head, and time how long that took you
to say. In the time between ‘a member is
killed’ to ‘forced to reconcile’, the film takes
a pulverising two hours.
For what you may ask? Some might say it is a
collage on how the world is plunging into the Ollie Sim
depths of Hades and how times are chang-
ing. Is there any catharsis? No. Why? One of 1/5
the problems is to do with the fact that the
Anvil! The Story of
Anvil (15)
How unlucky of a coincidence is it when your heavy
metal band has a member named Robb Reiner? How
much gloating would there be when you see a docu-
mentary like this, where you would instantly think of
This is Spinal Tap?. The gigs being played at stadiums
with a 20,000 capacity only to have 194 in attendance.
A band member who artistically paints portraits of turds
and then says, “You can just feel the texture, you see”.
This has all the hallmarks of a subject that you could
easily take a pot shot at.
It does haunt you, especially when there are many in-
spiring bands that try to make the big break. However,
in this compassionate documentary you really do not
know or want to know the kind of music Anvil play. What
you do want to see is for them to make up for what they
lost, when you know perfectly well that you wouldn’t buy
their album. The film perfectly accepts itself as a bleak,
but somehow homemade, portrait of an ambition they
almost made back in the late Seventies.
It is touching that even for a duo that is drudging into
their fifties, they still see the dream of someday mak-
28
narrative lacks coherence. Instead, it goes
for the post-modern route, which is to col-
lect a bunch of violent images and themes,
then jam them together in a confused fash-
ion. In other words, it is as if someone is
bashing your head to a pulp because you
really don’t care what will happen next. No
torn arms, naff sex scenes, or any amount
of blood can justify the fact that you start to
get weary.
I do believe that Alan Moore wants to show
depth, and I do believe he wants to pull it
off with certain gusto. The problem is that
the ‘gusto’ is simply just not there. The film
is so opposed to digging any deeper that
you begin to think that the stuck-on nose of
the Richard Nixon portrayed here is a one-
dimensional joke. To think that this is just
‘faithful’ really doesn’t mean much; it just
means we found a miniscule thing to praise
it for. I’m not the only one to think this, but
it’s a mess.
Wendy and Lucy (15)
Of course, this is the dog film without
Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson but,
then again (to put it bluntly), nothing
that much happens. Here is as much
as I can get out of the film: Wendy
(Michelle Williams) passes through an
Oregon town on her way to Alaska, she
loses her dog and her car has broken
down. That is pretty much it.
There are some merits: One is that it’s
short, at eighty minutes. Two, there
are some moments where the camera
does capture the grainy Oregon land-
scape quite immaculately. Three, the
performances are mostly charming,
ing it big. It’s sometimes hard to believe that both band especially Walter Dalton as a helpful
members (Steve ‘Lips’ Kudrow and Robb Riener) are
security guard. I think if you are in the
not fictional characters. There are times where you, as
an audience, question their authenticity. However, this
mood to watch a vacuous archetypal
is a film that shows real people that have a real passion American independent film, then here
for what they’ve had as a hobby all their life. you go.
Ollie Sim Ollie Sim
4/5
2/5
 Horoscopes
Aries (20th March – 20th April)
If you’re feeling the pinch this fortnight, it might be an idea to cut back
on the extravagant nights out. Aside from saving you a small fortune and
giving your liver a nice break, the exams are looming and you’ll be in
more of a working state of mind. Single? Don’t be mad at them for what
happened- they may not have even known you felt that way. Taken? It is
important this week that you talk to them about your needs.
Taurus (21st April- 20th May)
Sometimes people tell you what to do because they genuinely know
more about what is better for you than you do. This week is one of those
occasions, and deep down you know you’re being awkward for the sake
of it. Single? You’re leading two people on right now, and if you can’t
decide which one you want, the chances are neither is the one for you.
Stop before someone gets hurt. Taken? If you feel like they’re holding
you back, then tell them so. They might just be more understanding than
you expect.
Gemini (21 May- 20 June)
st th
You know you’re right, your friends know you’re right, and even their
friends know you’re right. But your complete lack of tact is not doing you
any favours- you need to learn to be more graceful or it will cost you your
friends. Single? Your problem right now is that the second the chase is
over and they admit to liking you, you back away. Have you wondered
about why that is? Taken? Work is taking centre stage right now, and
rightly so. If they truly care for you they would understand.
Cancer (21 June- 21 July)
st st
Assignments and revision are taking over your life it seems. Even the
Easter holidays is holding no interest for you as you know it just means
work, work, work for you. Take a night off to gain perspective. Single?
So you alienated a friend during that last episode, the damage can be
undone. Taken? Try doing something nice for your partner, it’ll make
everything clear to them.
Leo (22nd Jul- 22nd Aug)
It is important for you to toe the line right now; whether that is at work, difficulties. Try offloading more responsibility to your team members, learn
uni or a society. Even if you don’t agree, rebelling for no reason isn’t to trust them. Single? You’re finally playing the field and seeing what’s
going to fix the issues you have. Single? You were thrown by the jealousy out there, which is progress. Just be careful. Taken? You’re surprised by
but deep down you still know that they can’t give you what you need now. their gesture, but somewhere inside it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Taken? Your newly single friend is taking up most of your attention right Maybe you’re just not ready for that kind of commitment.
now, and that is concerning to your partner. Take the time to reassure
them.
Virgo (23rd Aug- 21st Sept)
Don’t deny that persons advice simply because of who they are and what
their past involves. They have some good ideas based on their personal
experiences and those ideas are well worth some consideration. Single?
There are both positive and negative points about becoming involved
with a friend, so think carefully and make an informed decision. Taken?
Your announcement has shocked everyone, and as usual there will
always be sour grapes. So don’t take it to heart.
Libra (20th Sept- 21st Oct)
If you’re finding, amongst everyone else’s exam stress and coursework
panic, that you’re ahead and feeling no such stress, relax and enjoy the
break. Take some you time. Single? Taking anything and everything you
can get is resulting in people becoming disillusioned with you. Make
sure you don’t alienate the wrong people. Taken? None of their friends
approve of you, and you have to stop and think exactly what has given
them that impression.
Scorpio (22nd Oct- 21st November)
Lately you’ve become a kind of social butterfly, making friends everywhere
you go. This means you’re learning a lot about different cultures and
backgrounds, and that is very commendable. Single? They haven’t even
realised that you might be upset with you, let alone why. Don’t rock the
boat. Taken? You’re still very much hung up on your ex, and you know
this new relationship is just a rebound, so end it.
Sagittarius (21st Nov- 21st Dec)
You may have to cancel a social event you have been very much looking
forward to. The truth is, your family need you a lot more than your friends
do right now. Single? Your friends and family dislike the way you have
been conducting your love life right now and chances are they are right.
Taken? If you genuinely suspect them, you need to address the issue of
trust with them face to face. You know them well, well enough to know
when they are lying.
Capricorn (21st Dec- 20th Jan)
You’ve left this assignment right to the last minute, despite the fact
that you know better than to do that. Now you’re stressed and irritable
with your friends- you owe them an apology. Single? Things with your
ex are very confusing right now, so make sure you don’t do anything
rash. Taken? They don’t like any of your friends, you don’t have the same
pastimes and you’re getting bored. Talk to them about it.
Aquarius (21st Jan- 19th Feb)
You’re normally a fine leader, but this week you will find yourself having
Pisces (19th Feb- 19th March)
You’re a very strong character but sometimes you forget that you can
be quite intimidating, as you will find this fortnight. Try to tone it down a
bit. Single? You’ve moved on but they haven’t, perhaps you need to be
strong but firm. Taken? If you think they’re really that special, make sure
you hold onto them.
29
 SURFS UP!
The Uni’s Surf and Wakeboarding Club recently took 30 students down to
Cornwall for a weekend of sun, sea, and surfing at Newquay (two out of three
isn’t bad). Arriving at close to midnight didn’t stop us going out that night on a
T-shirt pub crawl. The next day, for those that managed to get up at eight, we
headed out for the ocean. The cold water failed to dampen spirits and each
ability level found decent waves. While most got out at lunch for the obligatory
pasty and a chilled afternoon of shopping, cafés and beverages, the hardcore
few stayed in until dusk.
Come nightfall it was time to jump into the pyjamas and get our drink on! Hitting
the top bars in town, strawpedoing and downing everything in sight, we met
up with Portsmouth Uni’s surf club and the battle of the Unis’ began, soon to
realise that the drinking culture of Surrey Surf Club was unbeatable (without
cheating).
Sunday was a mission to get out of bed and into the cold damp wetsuits, but
despite this, the motivation to surf still reigned supreme. The waves topping
10ft at the best of times made it harder for the less experienced to get out to
the back breakers, so they were happy to stick to riding the white water.
Everyone had an awesome time and eagerly looking forward to the next trip
8-10th May, with more inter-university brawls.

Team Surrey shoots for the moon!

By Chris Smith Chris Smith, all though not having the best shoot of his life, still
managed to win a prize. He won the Mars bar for the random number
The Surrey Stag Hill Archers once again took to the road on a prize, where whoever gets a score closest to a randomly chosen one
gruelling and KFC-fuelled mini bus trip to the BUCS national indoor wins!
championships, this year being held in Loughborough. The 14 strong
team had to assemble early on the Saturday morning of the 7th and Special thanks must go out to our president and team captain Matthew
undertake the three hour trip there to arrive on time for our session. Brown who gave up spending the day in bed, as it was his birthday, to
Musical entertainment was supplied by Chris Taig and his, sometimes drive the team all the way to Loughborough and back.
odd, No Wave play list.
Just goes to prove if you “shoot for the moon and miss, you’ll be
Once we arrived and set up our equipment we took up our positions amongst the stars (or mars bars)!”
on the shooting line where we remained for the next three and a
half hours! During the course of the day over 26,000 arrows had
been shot by over 400 competitors, after which, it was time for the
eagerly awaited awards ceremony. In the gents’ team recurve event,
Surrey had high hopes of getting a medal but unfortunately they were
plagued by slightly under par shooting and just got ousted from the
medal positions. One factor that didn’t help in the teams favour was
the fact that our star archer Matt Sharpe, aka “Sharpe Shooter”, was
competing with a damaged ligament in his shoulder and, as it turned
out afterwards, a fractured finger! His response to this discovery was,
“I wondered why it was hurting.”
All hope was not to be lost though. In the ladies longbow category
Kathryn Evans, who has been improving in leaps and bounds all
season, shot her way to third place, making sure that Surrey are once
again amongst the medal winners for another year.
For info about the archery club, please email

30 ussu.archery@surrey.ac.uk
Surrey FC leaps to the top of the table
By James Simpson and Josh Mason

Surrey University’s 3rd team took control of the BUCS league table
with another strong away display at Kings College London. Goals from
Numaan Khan, Jermaine Castle and Gilbert Toolan were enough to
secure a 3-1 victory against a struggling Kings team even when the
3rds were a goal down at the half-time break.

Surrey were forced to turn up at Kings without outstanding Captain

Luke Whiley, his hunger for a good degree taking priority, but Vice-
skipper Nick Norman took over the duties, sporting his brand new
captain’s armband bought the day before.

Surrey started the better of the two teams, creating a handful of

chances which they couldn’t manage to convert. A powerful Ramsey
Razzak drive came within inches of the left hand post and Charlie onto a flick-on and blast past the sprawling keeper for his 21st goal
Murray unluckily missed a hat-trick of chances that he would normally of the season. Unfortunately, Jermaine was forced off after a nasty
tuck away. collision with the Kings keeper, substitute James Simpson replacing
him. Simpson quickly had the chance to make it three when he was
However, against the run of play, it was the home side that struck played through by Norman on the left, but failed to beat the keeper and
first. A mistake at the back gifted a Kings attacker the chance to whip put the game to bed. However, Gilbert Toolan joined the fray shortly
in a cross, where an unmarked man at the back post fired it past after, taking the place of Chrysostormou, and wrapped up the three
the helpless Jon Creswick. There was drama merely five minutes points with an absolutely stunning volleyed finish at the back post
later when a penalty was perhaps unfairly awarded to Kings after a from a Razzak cross. Josh Mason, who had winning battles all over
strong block tackle by Dan Campbell. The opposition number nine the pitch all day, was eventually given his break and a well-deserved
placed the penalty too casually down the centre of the goal where rest ahead of a big game next week. He was replaced by Will Richards
Creswick managed to get a foot to it to turn it behind for a corner. who shored up the defensive line, his fresh legs helping to snuff out
This was a wakeup call for Surrey, and soon the defence started to Kings attempted counter attacks.
dominate, allowing the midfielders to get their feet on the ball and
start turning the game around, but they couldn’t force a goal before Surrey will be delighted with another come-from-behind win, something
half time. which seems to be their trademark this season. Comebacks against
LSE, Kent, Dunsfold and Guildford City Weysiders have all been crucial
The tides turned when Vice-captain Norman not only gave a truly in such a successful year. The win puts Surrey in joint top position in
inspirational team talk, but made a tactical change that had an instant the BUCS league with Royal Holloway, whom they play on Wednesday
impact. Norman switched wingers Zenon Chrysostormou and Razzak, 18th March. Having come from two goals behind to win 4-2 at home
and in the first Surrey attack of the second half Zenon darted down the last time the two met, the 3rd team will have huge confidence going
left, cut inside beating a series of Kings defenders and was clattered into this game, which will all but decide the title race.
just outside the six-yard box. Midfielder Numaan ‘Nugy’ Khan calmy
slotted away the penalty to draw Surrey level.
Surrey: Creswick, Mason (Richards), Campbell, Kemp, Cole, Razzak,
Surrey took full control and were pushing for a second when striker Norman, Khan, Chrysostormou (Toolan), Castle (Simpson), Murray
Jermaine Castle powered through a host of Kings defenders to latch

BUCS Points for Snowboarders With only two more issues of

By Luke Shaw The Stag left make sure you
Snowbaording success for Surrey’s team who now have three snow-
boarders in the top ten, (a 2nd, 4th, and 7th in the Giant slalom) mak-
send in your sports team
ing our Surrey team (officially now on paper) the best snowboard team
of all the UK's universities, both on dry slope, and now on snow. With
updates soon!
the alpine championships coming up - it looks like it's now only good
news from the ski club.
sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
31
32