Script adapted by Amu, Josh, Camille, Shams, Dan, and Tetelo.
We are in a garden; there is a large white rose-tree on stage right. There is a FLAMINGO standing in a pond downstage left. He looks miserable, his head lolled. Enter two gardeners as cards; FIVE and SEVEN. They are carrying red paint and paint-brushes. They begin painting the white roses red. This startles FLAMINGO waking him from his miserable stupor.
FLAMINGO: Oh stickle-bats! Here come those clumsy idiots, the Queens gardeners. Theres definitely no Royal Flush! [One of the gardeners jump suddenly] SEVEN: Look out now, FIVE! Dont go splashing paint over me like that! FIVE: [Sulkingly] I couldnt help it you jogged my elbow! SEVEN: Oh yeah, thats right, FIVE its always somebody elses fault isnt it? [ALICE creeps into the garden on stage left] FIVE: Youd better not talk! I heard the Queen say just yesterday that you deserved to be beheaded. SEVEN: Thats none of your business, FIVE! FIVE: Oh yes, it is! And Ill say it again! You brought the Queen tulip-roots instead of onions and so the Queen said you should be beheaded. So there! [SEVEN throws down his brush, ready for a fight, when he sees ALICE and suddenly stops. FIVE notices this and turns to see ALICE now standing in plain view.] ALICE: [Rather surprised by this] Would you tell me please, why you are painting those roses? FIVE: Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find out, we should both have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we[re doing or best, afore she comes, to SEVEN: The Queen! The Queen! FLAMINGO: Oh bugger. Here comes the heartless Queen of Hearts (oh, the irony) and her shuffling deck of guards. . . [Queen enters with RABBIT alongside her, and her implied entourage] FLAMINGO: Oh look! Shes got herself a watch-dog! RABBIT: [Nervously tapping his watch] Everyday Im shuffling! Shuffling for the Queen! [The two gardeners lie flat on their faces in a bow.] FLAMINGO: Oh, youve got to be kidding! What good is a procession, if everyone has to lie down as it comes past so that they cant see it? [ALICE appears to register with the FLAMINGOs thoughts as if she heard them] QUEEN: [Noticing ALICE for the first time] Who is this? [RABBIT moves to respond, but is cut off before he can] Idiot! Whats your name child? [ALICE moves to answer, but is too, cut off.] Oh! It matters not. Who are these, lying around my rose-tree? [Looks to ALICE] Oh! How would you know? I see what theyve done. Theyre painting my rose-tree! Off with their heads! ALICE: No! You cant do that! QUEEN: What?! Who is this?! Off with her head! RABBIT: Oh but, your Majesty, shes only a child! QUEEN: Oh, in that case, come play croquet with me. Will someone please get these mops off the floor?! I dont care who they are. FLAMINGO: Oh hell. Its croquet. . . [Everyone freezes excepting ALICE, who addresses the audience.] ALICE: What a strange way To play croquet. All the furrows and ridges, Cards and guards bent backwards like bridges. This FLAMINGO is a mallet? Why, look out, his head keeps falling! The hedgehog keeps crawling! Stop lolling your head, Do you want to be dead?