Lying and Shame

Lying is a moral problem.

It is also a psychological process. It is a defense mechanism.
Lying is often seen as a means of avoiding punishment.
Lying is also a means of presenting oneself in a way that is inconsistent
with the true nature of oneself - the word deception is often used to
describe this way of lying. When we lie in these ways we are attempting
to avoid humiliation - the humiliation of being seen, being exposed in our
vulnerabilities, our flaws. The humiliation of having our darker sides
exposed to the searing light of others morality, others expectations.
Lying is a defense against shame. When others do it, we may assert that it
is a choice. A moral, ethical, legal choice. A choice that is consciously made
to violate moral, ethical, legal standards.
It is simply not that simple.
Lying is part of the armor we use to protect the most vulnerable aspects of
our selves. If, and that is a very big IF, we do the mental calculus required
to assess the possible outcomes, the cost of exposure of the vulnerable self
is determined to be greater than the possible consequences of deceiving - of
asserting a lie. But in those cases where we do not do the calculus, we react
instinctively to defend the self in the same way a parent reacts to defend a
child. Covering up protects (at least momentarily) the internal self without
consideration of the external risks or the long-term consequences.
Immediate defense is the primary concern.
We have of late been immersed in a national exegesis of morality, focusing
on the legality and morality of lying. Some of us seem to have concluded
that lying is not only immoral and illegal behavior, but also a serious
character flaw. I see it differently. I see a different dimension. I see lies
that are used not to avoid punishment (as both the literatures of the
psychology and morality of lying might suggest) but to avoid humiliation
and the deepest experience of shame.
Here I speak of shame not as a consequence of an inappropriate action or
behavior (as in Shame on you!) but shame as a deeply internalized sense
of flaw, of unworthiness. The feeling of defectiveness is that which is at the
core of every person. Lying, deception, and dissembling are used to defend
against the exposure of that self to others. I lie so that others will not see
that part of me that I cant bear to have exposed. I deceive so that you will
see me not in the way I see myself, but in the way that I want you to see
me. It is part of dressing up, making up. Its about putting on the best face.
This is familiar to us all as part of the process of courtship, of seeking jobs,
of political campaigns.
Years ago, Steve Kerr, then at Ohio State, wrote a management classic
entitled On the folly of rewarding B, while hoping for A. We do not, he
asserted, even when we say that we want the truth, vote for politicians
who tell us the truth; we vote for politicians who tell us what we want to
hear. Politicians who publicly discuss their sexuality, their sexual
appetites, will not get elected even if we want to know about it. Politicians
who say that they have made bad moral choices, or who admit to having
engaged in behavior that is tolerated only if not known, will not get elected
for their honesty but will be rejected for their immorality.
Shame is at the core of this. We have, each of us, dark secrets that we do
not want subjected to the light of public view. We do not easily accept
others whose secrets are in the open. We ridicule one who has admitted
publicly, as did Jimmy Carter, that he has lusted in my heart even when
we know at some level it is true of us all. His admission triggers a shame
response in us that we want to deny or avoid. It goes to our darkest side.
Many men have learned to be ashamed of their sexual appetites. They have
learned to lie and deceive to cover their own internal truths.
At the most profound level, we are most ashamed of our shame.
President Clinton said
I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and deeds. I never
should have misled the country, the Congress, my friends or my family. Quite
simply, I gave into my shame. [Emphasis added.]
This is shame as personal defect, something to hide from others. This
results in lying to cover that self-perceived personal weakness. It is
about internalized shame that has become public and the futile efforts
to keep it private.
When he said:
Like anyone who honestly faces the shame of wrongful conduct, I would
give anything to go back and undo what I did.
the meaning conveyed is that of the consequences of inappropriate
action. Shame here is external, the opprobrium from others resulting
from wrongful conduct.
In the space of a few minutes, Bill Clinton, the man and the
President, identified shame both as a sense of personal defect and
shame as the reaction expressed by others to what they see as highly
inappropriate behavior. He told us that he lied to avoid exposing his
own internalized sense of shame for enjoying sex (however it is
defined) and that he lied to divert focus from the initial lies. The
result was a vicious cycle of lies to cover lies in an ultimately futile
attempt to protect a vulnerable self (which men and Presidents are
still not supposed to have.)
We condemn others for lying. When we do, we approach it from the
sense that for the others it has been a moral choice, a conscious
intention to deceive. But we need to understand that lying is also a
defense, a psychological mechanism activated to deflect judgements
that trigger internalized shame. Each of us at some time experiences
not only a deep sense of shame against which we do defend
ourselves, but also the more painful experience of being ashamed of
our shame. When we are subsequently condemned for lying to protect
a vulnerable self, our internalized shame is increased rather than
exorcised, leading to attacks on the self or on others. In politics the
attacks tend to be verbal. The same day the President was moving
from verbally attacking others to accepting responsibility for his own
shame, a 48 year old student at Wayne State University fatally shot a
professor in what will probably prove to be yet another tragic episode
of shame driven violence.
Christian F. Poulson Ph.D.
Professor of Management and Human Resources
California State Polytechnic University Pomona