Everyone has the experience that when we get something nice we naturally want to share it with

others. But at the same time, we dont want to share with just anybody, save and except those
who will actually appreciate. Son sometimes in the midst of my ardor for eternal devotional
service, I may now and then give expression to my hearts inspirations to someone. I generally,
however, try in my better moments to camoflage so as not to be nibbled by shars and
crocodiles. Small fries lie me should be careful. !t any rate, you may certainly now beyond
any doubt that I would rather be born as a worm in the stool of a pig in "rndavan than to become
a #ween in $waraa or a servant of the %ord of "aiuntha. In "rndavan, at least there is a hope
of hearing &rsnas flute. 'hats the use of a &rsna without the flute( 'hats the use of a &rsna
without a )adha( I hope to someday actually see &rsna and *is yound cowherd boy friends
going in the morning to the gosala to mil the cows. I hope to see &rsna and his friends enjoying
the blissful breafast cooed by )adha and her friends and served by mother +asoda and )ohini
devi. I pray to someday see &rsna and Balarama going to the pastures with ,heir cows and
boyfriends being followed by practically the whole of "raja. I long to catch a glimpse of *is
side-long glanses to *is priyaghana. 'hen will that day come when I will fortunatoely witness
with my own eyes beautiful &rsna playing ball using beal fruits, wrestling with *is friends and
relishing so many other pleasing pastimes in the middle of the day. I hope against hope to
someday get the chance to see the %ord of my heart coming bac to "raja at the end of the day,
appearing to be fatigued lie a swaggering elephant, with *is fine curly locs dusted with the
hoofdust of the cows as *e slowly enters *is home. ,o get a gliimpse of these pastimes, we
should be prepared to lay down millions of our lives for preaching the sanirtan movement of Sri
.aitanya /ahaprabhu and *is sena-pati bhata, srila 0rabhupada. I long to someday be seen by
,hem as an object of ,heir pleasure1 and I pray that day will come to all of us.
,he words of Srila "isvanath .aravarti ,haur elegantly illustrate my point2 34h hey ,ulasi,
4h hey great 5anges of mercy, because at one time you placed your lotus feet on my head and I
was fortunate to drin a small portion of your caranamrta, for this reason such desires have
arisen n my heart. /y mind and heart are covered with hundreds of faults. !nd at the same time,
within the same heart all of these desires have also taen birth - just see how much difference
there is between these two directions6 But hey ,ulasi, at this time your causeless mercy is the
only hope for this destitute... of yours. Even though I am an offender, it is due to your influence
only that such desires have come to me.7 In other words, 3one should learn how to cry for the
%ord. 4ne should learn this small techni#ue,... and actually cry..7 8S.0., 94$: If we cant cry for
&rsna because our hearts are still too steel framed due to contunued offences, then we should at
least cry because we cant cry for &rsna, or at the very least cry because we cant cry because
we cant cry.
3,he gopis of "rndavana were so attracted to &rsna that they were not satisfied simply with the
rasa dance at night. ,hey wanted to associate with *im and enjoy *is company during the
daytime also. 'hen &rsna went to the forest with *is cowherd friends and cows, the gopis did
not physically tae part, but their hearts went with *im. !nd because their hearts went, they
were able to enjoy *is company through strong feelings of separation. ,o a#uire this strong
feeling of separation is the teaching of %ord .aitanya and *is direct disciplic succession of
5osvamis. 'hen we are not in physical contact with &rsna, we can associate with *im lie the
gopis, through feelings of separation. &rsnas transcendental form, #ualities, pastimes, and
entourage are all identical with *im. ,here are nime different inds of devotional service.
$evotional service to &rsna in feelings of separation elevates the devotee to the highest
perfectional level, to the level of the gopis.
3It is stated in Srinivasacharyas prayer to the six 5osvamis that they left the material opulences
of government service and the princely status of life and went to "rndavana, where they lived
just lie ordinary mendicants, begging from door to door. But they were so much enriched with
the gopis feeling of separation that they enjoyed transcendental pleasure at every moment.
Similarly, when %ord .aitanya was at ;agannatha 0uri, *e was in the role of )adharani, feeling
the separation of &rsna. ,hose who are in the disciplic succession of the madhva-gaudiya-
sampradaya should also feel the separation of &rsna, worship *is transcendental form, and
discuss *is transcendental teachings, *is pastimes, *is #ualities, *is entourage and *is
associations. ,he spitirual masters should enrich the devotees to the highest devotional
perfection. <eeling constant separation while engaged in the service of the %ord is the perfection
of &rsna consciousness....7 Such descriptions of &rsnas transcendental pastimes and activites
were remembered by the gopis during &rsnas abscence from "rndavana. ,hey give us some
idea of &rsnas attraction. Everyone and everything is attracted to &rsna - that is the perfect
description of &rsnas attraction. ,he example of the gopis is very instructive to persons who are
trying to be absorbed in &rsna consciousness. 4ne can very easily associate with &rsna simply
by remembering *is transcendental pastimes. Everyone has the tendency to live someone. ,hat
&rsna should be the object of live is the central point of &rsna consciousness. By constantly
chanting the *are &rsna mantra 8 *are &rsna *are &rsna &rsna &rsna *are *are, *are )ama
*are )ama )ama )ama *are *are: and remembering the transcendental pastimes of &rsna, one
can be fully in &rsna consciousness and thus mae his life sublime and fruitful.7 8S.0., &rsna
Boo, ch. =>:.
'e should not be too suprised if devotees are becoming naturally attracted to &rsna as small
pieces of iron have practically no choice but to be drawn towards a big magnet. If we are not
intensely enchanted by the beautiful vision of &rsna and anxious to re-establish our direct eternal
relationship with *im, then it can be understood that our hearts are not only hard lie steel but
also corroded. ;ust as by removing the rust form a piece of steel or iron enables the magnets
influence to act more and more effectively, so, by bollowing the regulative principles of
devotional service and discarding our inordinate and #uite superfluous attachments to maha
maya, our raga 8attachment: becomes more and more fixed up at the lotus feet of &rsna. "aidhi
bhati serves to give direction to, ensure the healthy growth of, and protect the natural &rsna
conscious raga of the soul. If we dont deeply understand the far reaching purpose of vaidhi
bhati as it was given to us by our Srila 0rabhupada, then we may liely either foolishly discard
the regulative principles that insure the positive &rsna conscious engagement of our body, mind
and words in pure devotional service, resulting in serious lapses in our devotional practices, or
we may be thoughtlessly grounded by an excessive fear-based over attachment to the rules and
regulations without appreciationg their aim 8niyamagrah:. 3,his is not the International Society
for )ules and )egulations67 8S.0.? I have seen many times that supposedly more advanced
senior devotees unnecessarily fear allowing themselves to actually be captivated by the beauty of
&rsna and &rsna lila. 'e should not fail to allow ourselves to be attracted, enchanted by the
sweetness of &rsna. If we are not infatuated with a hope to eternaly serve &rsna in one of the
five primary rasas, then there in no wonder that we are still either plynged headlong into or
struggling to ignore our attachments to the perverted rasas of this mundane sphere.
34ne who has not been attracted to the transcendental beauty of rasa will certainly be dragged
down into material attraction thus to act in material contamination and prograess to the darest
region of hellish life. But by understanding the conjugal love of )adha and &rsna, one is freed
from the grip of attraction to material so-called love between man and woman. Similarly, if one
understands the pure parental love of 9anda and +asoda for &rsna, he will be saved from being
dragged into material parental affection. If one accepts &rsna as the supreme friend, the
attraction of material friendship will be finished for him, and he will not be dismayed by so-
called friendship with mundane wranglers. if he is attracted to servitorship to &rsna, he will no
longer have to serve the material body in the degraded status of material exisitence with the false
hope of becoming master in the future. Similarly, one who sees the greatness of &rsna in
neutrality will certainly never see again the so-called relief of impersonalist or voidist
philosophy. If one is not attracted by the transcendental nature of &rsna, one is sure to be
attracted to material enjoyment, thus to become implicated in the clinging networ of virtuous
and sinful activities and continue material existence by transmigrating from one material body to
another. 4nly in &rsna conciousness can one achieve the highest perfection of life.7 8S.0., ....
!di >.=@ p.p.:.
3/y dear friends, if you at all desire to enjoy the company of material society, friendship and
love, then please do not go to see this smiling boy 5ovinda, who is standing on the ban of
+amuna and playing *is flute, *is lips brightened by the beams of the full moon light.7 8)upa:
,his is the test1 3AAA ! person advancing in &rsna consciousness must lose interest in material
activiteis and personal sense gratification.7 8S.0., &rsna Boo:. 3/y dear foolish freind, I thin
that you have already heard some of the auspicious Srimad Bhagavam, which decries seeing the
results of fruitive activities, economic development and liveration. I thin, that now it is certain
that gradually the verses of the tenth canto of Srimad Bhagavatam, describing the pastimes of the
%ord, will enter your ears and go into your heart.7 8)upa, 9.o.o.:
3! devotee once sa ,7It is very astonishing that since I have seen this 0ersonality of 5odhead,
who is washed by the tears of my eyes, there is shivering of my body, and *e has made me a
failure in executing my material duties. Since seeing *im, I cannot remain silently at home. I
wish to go out to *im always. B ,he purport to this statement is that as soom as one is fortunate
enough to contact a pure devotee, one must be anxious immediately to hear abouto &rsna, to
learn about &rsna, or, in other words, to become fuly &rsna conscious.7 8S.0., 9.4.$: Simply
we have to tae the message to heart and allow our heaerts to go out to &rsna. 4therwise, we
miss the essence of what our guru wants to give us. In the clamour of our rather externally
oriented execution of duties in devotional service, we tend to deprive ourselves of the realiCation
of the beauty of vipralamba bhava, which is the mainstay of our 5audiya tradioton. 4ur progress
to perfection becomes retarded by a ind of humdrum devotion. ,he point isi this2 If we fail to
allow ourselves to be enriched by the grace ofour guru, then how can we expect to serve to
practically enrich the devotional lives of others. 'e see what we want to see. 'e hear what we
want to hear. !ccording to our adhiara, our eligibility in terms of the condition of our
consciousness, we will have the fitness to more or less completely understand and disseminate
the message of our guru parrampara. ;ust because we thin we have heard doesnt necessarily
mean we have actually understood. 'e may have to increase our adhiara. Everything is based
on desire, the primordial desire for self realisation1 the fundamental #uest for truth.
vrajisma prabhu and his good wife mother $raupadi, in their oferings to Srila 0rabhupada on the
evening of his disappearance day festival, mentioned hat they are compiling a boo to be entitled
0rabhupada now and re#uested devotees to send them accounts of any metaphysical experiences
such as dreams in which Srila 0rabhupada had appeared and what not. ,hey said that their idea
is to show how, even in his physical absence, Srila 0rabhupada from his transcendental position
is having a profound influence on the lives of his followers. I thought to myself and even
expressed in the coarse of my offering that such things are basically unverifiable subjective extra-
phenominal experiences of individual devotees1 but that even so, if they are in eeping with and
actually help to support the siddhanta of our acharyas, then they may be accepted for inspiration,
encouragement, and even guidance in the progress of our spiritual lives. So althougoh normally I
wouldnt thin to do so, I became inspired by them to shae one such dream experience of my
own. +ou now it and I now it that over the years, for whatever reasons, so many devotees
have left the shelter of Srila 0rabhupadas institution to try in various ways to satisfy what they
feel to be their personal needs in spiritual life elsewhere. /y whole intention and the gist of
nearly a half on hour of tal was to re-iterate and stress the absolute necessity of surrender and
service to the lotus feet of our guru, Srila 0rabhupada, for the fulfillment of all our spiritual
aspirations. Sri guru carane rati, ei sei uttama gait, ye prasade pure sarva asa. !lso I mentioned
that in truth, all our acharyas eternally reside in vraja-dham1 that although they are aprarta,
beyond our external vision, still, they can see us. It is not our real buisiness to gratify our jelly
ball eyes by seeing them, but more importantly, to hear their messae, understand their mission
and act in such a way that they are satisfied to see what they see when they will see us. 'hen the
spiritual master is satisfied that the disciple has honoured his instructions, then from his side, he
is pleased to part with his own accumulated stocpile of devotional credits, placing them into the
transcendental ban account of his disciple. ,hat is actually the main way the disciple advances.
+as ya prasada na gatih uto Bpi. Spiritual advancement is not so much dependent on the
disciples practices of sadhana bhati as it is on the grace of guru. *owever, the disciple
expresses his earnest desire for gurus grace by his sincere efforts to follow his gurus
instructions.
It has always broen my heart that many of my godbrothers would become disenchanted,
thining this movement to be incapable of delivering them to the topmost perfection in devotional
service. So, I wanted to share an experience which profoundly increased my fervent attachment
to the lotus feet of Srila 0rabhupada. I told how #uite a few years ago before the second 35opi
bhava club7 maanifested, on account of there having been some cordial relationship between
members of IS&.49 and narayan /aharaja from the time of 0rabhupadas departure, I had also
a few times gone to see him1 but that my en#uiries were not very much satisfied, especially
relating to certain aspects of rasa-tattva and rasa-siddhanta. So, I desisted from placing any
further philosophical en#uiries to him. I directly told 9arayan maharaja that I accepted !. ..
Bhativedanta Swami 0rabhupada as at least one hundred times the authority in my spiritiual life
than him. $uring the time of the 35opi-bhava7 hey days, a few of the sannyasis who were
regularly seeing 9arayan /aharaja would challenge my attachment to what I percieved to be the
inspiration that I received through my readings of Srila 0rabhupadas boos, and would hammer
me with the philosophy they were supposedly getting from 9arayan /aharaja disparaging my
standing as a member of this sampradaya. I expressed in my tal that it was this offensive
behavior of my godbrothers that was disturbing me and that due to those disturbances, I began to
very plaintively cry out for Srila 0rabhupada to come to my rescue. ,here was no #uestion
whatsoever of my being personally disturbed in any way over the 39arayan /aharaja
controversy7. I was disturbed by the immature, incomplete and even very wrong concepts of rasa
siddhanta they were trying to cram down my throat. ,he so-called account of my words is totally
ludicrous and completely erroneous. 9either was I 3feeling so upset7 3 due to the controversy
over 9arayan /aharaja7 nor did I not now what to do. I cried out for the mercy of my guru. I
prayed to my deities that Srila 0rabhupada is the only one who is fit to solve my dilemma1 that if
he would not mercifully confirm the truth of my hearts aspirations, then I have no desire to go
on living or dying, as it were, under these conditions. I was reading the story about /adhavendra
0uris visit to "rndavan and how &rsna appeared with a pot of mil. I decided to accept ayacitti
vrtti and vowed that if they wanted me to continue living my useless life, either &rsna *imself or
any of *is agents would have to supply me, but that I would not as food from anyone. ,his was
the intensity of my desperation and my determination. I wasnt looing for a sign. I needed my
guru. ,here were times when I went as many as ten days without anyone bringing me anything
because I didnt advertiCe or announce to anyone. I would have to go on water only. ,here was
no #uestion of a mere 3D days7. )ather, after completing my observance of a very serious
caturmasya vrata, the very next day I accepted the ayacitti vrtti for a period of more than E
months. 4ne morning after D relentless months, Srila 0rabhupada mercifully apeared to me in a
3dream7. *e was sitting on a cusion doing some writing on his des and I was sitting by his left
side. I was plucing the thorns off the stems of a doCen beautiful saffron coloured long stemmed
roses and placing them around his bac to his right side so as not to disturb his wor, with the
hopes that he ould be pleased to accept my simple heartfelt expression of exclusive allegence to
his lotus feet. ;ust after i placed the last rose, he mercifully noticed and reached down, piced up
the bunch and smelled them with deeply expressed satisfaction saying, 3!hh6 9ow my life is
complete67 ,urning and pointing at me, he said with gravity, 3<rom this day on, you are niitya-
siddha.7 *e said something more in sansrit which I said I didnt feel was appropriate to mention
as it pertained to my personal hearts affair, but it certainly was not a 3mantra7, 3passport into
manjari bhava7. 'here did these rediculous speculations come in from( I never on any occasion
told to any of these people anything about manjari bhava, so whose sweet-heart has imagined all
these things. I mentioned that as raga bhajan, according to our acharyas, reeee#uires the
contemplation of ones mentally concieved siddha-deha or perfecct spiritual identity, and as Srila
0rabhupada had not revealed those things to me, I was confused as to how I could accept that I
was 3from this day on 3nitya-siddha without being fully enlightened about my siddha svarupa
8eadasa bhava et al:. It didnt mae sense. Srila 0rabhupada noticed my anxiety and most
compasionately said to me, 3 $ont worry, !indra. In the near future, I will give you the whole
pacage.7, assuring me that I need not wonder how, when and from whom I would receive the
revelation of the complete truth of my eternal relationship with &rsna. !s his disciple, I would
not have to consider getting anything from any other. *e would be the one to personally give me
everything I need for complete perfection. furthermore, I clearly stated that I was not suggesting
by any of this that I am a nitya-siddha, that I didnt want anyone getting any wise ideas as 3I see
myself as the same dirty oldog I always was and always will be until I ifully surrender and
become the object of my gurus grace. But at least I was considerably pacified and very hopeful
and I wanted to share that guru-nista with all of you.7 I analitically explained the dream se#uence
as follows2 /y offering of beautiful long stem saffron roses represents the disciples honor of
and complimentary, congruous allegence to his guru1 the endeavor to please him. Srila
0rabhupadas smelling the roses and expressing deep satisfaction, 39ow my life is complete67,
instructs us that every sincere disciple should act in such a way that the spiritual master feels that
his mission is accomplished, where upon he mercifully blesses the disciple with eternal
perfection. *is mission is to deliver each and every one of us individually. Srila Bhatisiddhanta
Saraswati ,haur used to say, 3If I could perfectly deliver even one soul bac home bac to
godhead, I would thin my mission - propagating &rsna consciousness to be successful.7 In one
famous letter Srila 0rabhupada tells, 3But as devotees of &rsna, being engaged in the practical
wor of spreading &rsna consciousness, that is already the highest realiCation. ,hats alright, that
is our real mission, to deliver the world by preaching &rsnas message to others1 but even higher
realiCation, the highest realiCation, is to save oneself.7 ,o 3save oneself7 is the best contribution
one could mae to the gurus mission, without which, more could hardly be expected. 'e all
share that individual responsibility. Srila 0rabhupada told that he didnt want many shooting stars
but that he wanted one moon which would be sufficient to illuminate the night sy. Each one of
us should mae every endeavor to become that 3one moon7 so that Srila 0rabhupada would have
as many 3one moon7s as possible for lightning up the dense darness of this age of ali, which
could be accomplished through our dedicated service and surrender at his lotus feet. ,here was
no #uestion of my in any way broadcasting or advertiCing myself as a nitya-siddha as contrived
by someones colorful imagination. Some have suggested to me that such confidential personal
dream experiences should have been reserved for an intimate few. 4n one hand, I agree, but in
defence of my decision 8if I must:, I would lie to present the following .aitanya .aritamrta
verses2 3!ll these conclusions are unfit to disclose in public, but if they are not disclosed no one
will understand them7. 3,o disclose it is not proper for it slould be ept as confidential as the
"edas, yet I shall spea of it to mae *is mercy nown to all.7 !t any rate, I was not speaing
publicly, but to a handful of whom I saw to be a most sincere group of 0rabhupadanugas, intent
on relishing Srila 0rabhupada &athamrta in his room up till all the wall past midnight. I wasnt
paying much attention to who was or wasnt half asleep, but I now our /..., $ina Bandhu
0rabhu was awae so I suggest you tae his impression if you feel you need further verification.
!s far as what I said or didnt say on "yasa 0uja day is concerned, you should as *ari Sauri
0rabhu. !fter puspanjali, during Srila 0rabhupadas aroti, he told me, 3I thin your tal was
very good.7, so he should now very well what I said. I should hope that he was honestly
speaing his heart lest his earnestness still be unthinably beset with traces of duplicity. 'hat I
actually said was recorded and you will indly notice that I never said what I supposedly said but
rather #uite the opposite. I said that Srila 0rabhupada told that the disciples should not speculate
about the eternal rasa of the spiritual master, but that we should see him as acharya and serve his
preaching mission as an instrument in the hands of the predescessor acharyas in our efforts to
realiCe our eternal relationship with him, which naturlly and necessarily includes the realiCation
of our, his, and &rsnas eternal svarupan simultaniously1 that we should progressively aspire for
this... lalulyam-lalasamayi. 'e should try to go to that position. &amasya nendriya prtih...
jivasya tatva-jijnasa narto yas ceha armabhih, that there should be no other goal attached to any
of our activites day or noght. 4ur every breath should be dedicated to pursuing the ultimate
realiCation of our eternal relationship with our eternal spiritual master, &abe habe bolo sei din
amar. 3'hen will that day be mine(7 ,his mood only. 'hy does someone want to invent and put
words in my mouth( 'hat purpose is to be served by all of this, Sherlocji(
,he remaining allegations made concerning my supposedly maing certain obviously
misunderstood statements to the guruula alumni should necessarily be retaen in the context in
which I said what I actually said and meant. 'hat went down during the $amodarastaa scuffle
was simply this2 ,hat morning, ;aya Sila prabhu approached me in my room to re#uest that if it
was possible for me to give my approval as a permission for one of the ex-guruulis to lead the
$amodarstaa irtan that evening as it was earlier announced to be 3IS.&49 +outh day7. I
didnt have any objection as long as whoever was going to lead was relatively pure in habbits
and that he should be competent to actually get the irtan fired up to the standard which we had
fortunately been able to maintain throughout the month of &arti. !ll the devotees were
depending on us for a solid and together-about-itself programe, so I wanted it to be fired up for
enthusiastic chanting and dancing. ,hen he eased me the information that it wasnt a he but a she
that the ex-guruulis wanted too represent them. $ue to my observation of a general looseness
among a considerably major lot of the ex-guruulis and also the significantly increased leniency
toward un-married girls being allowed to live and serve at our IS&.49 "rndavan yatra, as well
as the increased unfortunate promiscuity among both the young men and women residing here
and also those visiting from abroad, I was concerned in my own way that we should not do
anything to unnecessarily increase the fever1 that the fire should be reduced, not increased. I
expressed these points to ;aya Sila prabhu and further expressed that if we bounced the #uestion
bac to the management committee for a consensus of opinion, that I would accept whatever
they decided and abide by it. I also mildly rebued him for not having given more time for
considerably more discussion in order to mae a proper &rsna conscious decision about what
some devotees may feel to be #uite a sensitive issue. Fnfortunately, as he had his head into other
things as well, I never received any reply about any such decision from his side. I en#uired from
/ahaman prabhu as to whether or not there was any discussion and he informed me that no such
discussion had taen place. <urhtermore, he expressed that he was not very much in favor of the
idea of women leading irtan in the temple. *e said that he would bring the subject up at a
meeting he ws to have that afternoon with 0ancagauda prabhu and 5anapati prabhu. ,hereafter it
was decided that I shoudl excecute their majority decision against allowing the girl to lead and as
there was no line of cvommunication between myself and either jaya Sila or the ex-guruulis and
as time was short, I decided to re#uest 5hanasyama prabhu 8*are &rsna $as: whom I recogniCe
to be #uite a capable irtan leader and whom the ex-guruuli youth should be able to at least
respect as an ex-guruuli himself and a responsible member of our cGvommunity to lead the
irtan in order to at least soften the blow to some extent. ,hat evening between the end of aroti
and the $amodarastaa irtan, I was confronted by the angry mob and even after repeatedly
trying to explain to them that I was only executing the decision of the temple management, they
time and again denounced me in so many words as being an insensitive male chauvinist pig and
in the midst of so many accusations, one of the alumni, Sanjay prabhu, viciously bared in my
face, 3+oure just a frustrated brahmacari6667 9eedless to say, the girl didnt lead the irtan that
night. 9ow lets get our facts straight. I never said during the $amodarstaa scuffle in the middle
of a temple full of people anything even slightly resembling 3I am a personal associate of
)adharani. I now who you are but you dont now who I am.7 )ather, with folded hands, I
again and again submitted that I was not acting from the false egoistical male chauvinistic
platform and that due to their frustrated condition, they were not able to soberly understand the
actual motivation and inspiration behind my acitons. "aisnavera driya-mudra vignaneha na
bujhaya. 5hana Syamas irtan was totally fired up and the whole temple was absorbed in
3ecstatic7 dancing and chanting, except a group of dissappointed ex-guruulis who went to Srila
0rabhupadas samadhi mandir to do irtan there. I felt bad that feelings were hurt. I also felt
unhappy that I was made out to be the bad guy as I anticipated the possible deterioration of the
good rapport previously extablished between the ex-guruulis and myself from their groups
participation im my earlier irtans. But I was not sorry that I had done what I thought was the
right thing to do under the circumstances.
%ater that night I was returning to my room to put my deities to rest, I again met Sanjay prabhu
on the first floor terrace of the guruula who said, 30rabhu, I dont thin its right what you did
tonight.7 I replied to him that I didnt thin he actually new what I did as it was obvious to me
that he was seeing things from a rather external and #uite mundane perspective. I said, 3<irst of
all, Im not a brahmacari and secondly, Im not frustrated.7 I continued to point out that he would
do well to try to eleveat his outloo beyond a superficial view of things to come to now the
heart of a devotee lie myself and that although I shouldnt have to be the one who says it, still, it
was not at all proper and also #uite offensive for him to behave and spea to me the way he did
in the mandir. I reiterated the point that one should always be careful in judjing another vaisnava
because its not always so easy to now why and with what consciousness he does the things he
does. By offending another vaisnava we could bring ruination upon ourselves. I mentioned that
as I am for many years well practiced to see all women as &rsnas gopis, as per the merciful
instructions of Srila 0rabhupada, and as I prefer to thin of myself as an eternal associate of
Srimati )adharani, as *er eternal adherent, itcould not be possible for me to have been acting
from the mundane platform as a male chauvinist or a frusrated brahmacari1 that he would do well
to try to cultivate a more internal way of looing at himself and the world around him so as to
avoid any future vaisnava aparadam. I told him that I was certainly seeing from the spiritual
platform, but that his way of seeing the thing was almost totally mundane. I said that I doubted
that he or any of the young ex-guruuli men were accustomed to see the young ladies as &rsnas
gopis but that if any sensible man would practice to see in such a way, giving up the false purusa
abhiman by practicing the original prariti seva bhavan of the soul in &rsna consciousness, then
without much difficulty, he would be able to give up the shacles of sex attraction which is the
greatest binding force of this material world. I too it as an opportunity to try to help another
3man7 gain some valuable insights into the souls deliverance from the clutches of maya.
!nyway, as it was difficult for me to try to help him to understand these things through his
barrage of argumentativeness, I told him that I didnt have time for further discussion1 that I had
to go to put my deities to rest, but that I would be happy to further discuss the whole thing at
another time if he so desired. ! few days later, he came to my door to apologiCe and beg
forgiveness1 that he didnt want to offend a vaisnav, especially in the holy $hama. I tried to
encourage some further discission but he didnt seem so open for it so I dropped it and left it at
that.
/ost of us have the experience that when you pass a message down a long line, by the time it
gets to the other end, words have been added or subtracted many times to the extent whole
sentences are changed and their meanings totally twisted. Im not blaming anyone, but this is
generally what happens when we don
t hear with proper attention and understanding or dont carefully double chec the statements
with authoritative references such as guru, shastra andAor sadhu as the case merits. 3'ho said
0rabhupada said(67 8S.0.: 'Ere fortunate to have reference to 0rabhupadas boos and other
recorded material as well as the boos of our predecessor acaryas. 4therwise, what hope would
there be for our sampradaya(
I certainly didnt use the words 3personal associate7, much less with the mistaen implication of
being )adhas nitya pariar from the spiritual world1 so please dont get so bent out of shapw. I
used the words 3eternal associate7 in the sense that by the grace of Srila 0rabhupada, I
continuously feel myself to be ever associated with Srimati )adharani through the medium of the
culture of such transendental loving service attitude at the feet of Sri .aitanya /ahaprabhu and
my spiritual master whom I have for years on end recogniCed to be )adhas emissary of mercy
upon this fallen, destitute soul1 as nityananda svrup-shati-avesha avatar. 9o one can interfere
with, disturb, or destroy my such hearts treasure, as it is a transcendental gift of guru and &rsna,
beyond the decay of material time, space and circumstance. Its simply a #uestion of waing up
from our dreaming condition. Sarvopadhi vinir mutam tat paratena nirmalam. ,his is the
process. By relinguishing our useless attachments to falsely designated external concepts of
ourselves, by atleast renouncing our affinity towards grosser types of anarthas, by avoiding
offences while chanting the holy names. while positively endeavoring for the pleasure of the %ord
and *is devotees, we can actually practically experience simultaneously increased steadiness in
and taste for devotional practices and attraction, attachment to the subject 8&rsna elal: to whom
we are striving to be devoted. /y private words to Sanjay prabhu were simply to demonstrate to
him the gulf of obviously #uite superficial, sin deep notion of my being the ogre, male
chauvinist pig, frustrated brahmacari or whatever1 that we cant always judje a boo by its cover,
so we have to be careful when dealing with other devotees.
I never made such a rediculously hoey statement to anyone as 3I now who you are but youo
dont now who I am.7, as if I were wearing x-ray specs or somethings. In the coarse of my
conversation with Sanjay prabhu, I basically mentioned that by the grace of Srila 0rabhupada, 3I
now who I am, but that I doubt that he in his immature state of &rsna consciousness nows who
he is beyond the relatively vegue theoretical concept of being &rsnera nitya das, much less who I
am.7 ,he pint being that people waling around not nowing who they are to whatever extent are
still more or less insane1 that those who are more or less insane should not be so #uic to critisiCe
or pass judjement on those who are more or less sane. It was just my way of mildly chastiCing
him for being so puffed up. !t any rate, as it was a private conversation, I dont see any merit in
trying to screw out the presumptuous conclusion that !indra $asa is having a 3willingness7 to
unceremoniously or otherwise 3broadcast7 to the world that 3he thins he is a nitya-siddha7. I
certainly have no inclination to pervertedly advertise myself as a 9I,+! SI$$*! so foolist,
frustrated,otherwise dissenchanted, hypocritical ali-chela IS&.49 neophytes might floc in
droves to ee out some ind of false prestige by sitting at the feet of yet another mercenary so-
called paramahamsa, deceitful ali-chela-lie poor excuse for an IS&.49 messiah named
!indra $asa. ,o diplomatically flatter 8encourage(: the cheap disciples for catching their pocet
boos 8for preaching, prabhus: or any other such rubbish buisiness would intolerably
compromise my simple, straight forward and une#uivocal demeanor and most liely deal a
deathblow to the peaceful progress of my bhajan. I dont need it.
9ow, at this point, one may presume that if a devotee admits that he nows who he is, then he
must be indirectly flaunting his supposed attainment of bhava-siddhi or svarupa-siddhi. ,o
redress this suspicion so as to preclude all doubt, we should properly understand that three stages
of bhati are deliniated in )upa 5oswamis bhati-rasamrta-sindhu1 sahana bhati, bhava bhati,
and prema bhati. /any times I have seen that devotees mistaenly e#uate raganuga bhati with
bhava bhati, the stage at which one is a siddha bhata, above the state of bondage or beyond
the clutchers of the illusory energy. ,his is clealrly a misconception. ,heir notion is that one
cannot follow the path of raga bhati unless he is a perfectly liberated, fully self realiCed siddha
purusha. ,his confusion obviously arises from a casual or even careless reading of the acaryas
vani. ,he correct decision is this2 ,here two typws of devotees, the sadhaa and the siddha. ,he
siddha bhatas are undoubtedly at upper stages of bhava and prema having accualiCed the perfect
conception of their siddha svarupa 8bhava deha: as per the realiCation of stayi bhava or constant,
spontaneous aprarta ecstatic mood of approach to &rsnas eternal relationship. ,he arodinary
human beings are elevated to these stages of perfection either by ardent practises of sadhana
bhati or by the ahaitui rpa of %ord &rsna or &rsnas devotees or by a combination fo both
processes. ,he siddhas certainly now who they are. ,he sadhaa bhata is one who has yet to
be elevated to the perfectional stages of bhava bhati or prema bhati and is rather earnestly
engaged in the practices of sadhana bhati with degrees of resolution and aspiration to ultimately
attain perfection. !lthough a pure sadhaa may be considered to be free from material
contamination in the sense that he has at least achieved nistha as a madhyama adhiari pure
devotee via anartha nivriti, still, he is deemed to be in a state of bondage on account of his
having yet achieved niether svarup siddhi nor vastu siddhi both of which are far beyond the
material bodily concept of life. ,his stage of sadhana bhati is clearly seen to be having not one
but two categorical departments with their separately distinguishable features, namely vaidhi
sadhana bhati and raganuga sadhana bhati.
Sadhaas exclusively attached to vaidhi sadhana bhati are nown as vaidhi bhatas who attain
the spiritual realms where reverential devotion predominates. ,hose who become attached to
raganuga sadhana bhati are raganuga bhatas who ultimately attain the supramundane realm of
"raja-$hama at 5oloa itself. ,he unfortunate warring which appearently goes on sometimes
between the two plainly stems from inade#uate nowledge of the subject, either from one side or
the other or both. 9eedless to say, no one attains much of anything unless he gives up any traces
of false egoistical pride and envy. !nyway, without going into a more detailed analysis as to
cause and effect, it should suffice to say that those who have fortunately gained entrance into
raga bhajan must also be nowing who they are, as their sadhana necessarily inivolves the
internal contemplation of their own aspired to eternal identity as conferred upon them by the
spiritual master. If it is not to be seen in ones sadhana, we could hardldy expect to see it in
ones sadhya. ,he raganuga sadhaa may certainly now who heAshe is though heAshe has yet to
fully realiCe the thing. !lthough there will be some epistemological contrast, it may be compared
to theoretical nowledge 8jnana: as distinguished from realiCed nowledge 8vijnana:. 'e should
not, therefore, jump to the conclusion that someone saying that he nows who he is must be a
definite indication of his having attained bhava siddhi or prema siddhi or that he is necessarily
intending to show himself to have as such.
!t a meeting with *.*. 5opal &rsna /aharaja, Srutiirti prabhu, 0ancagauda prabhu, ;aya Sila
prabhu and a few godsisters, I readily agreed to their re#uest that I should apologiCe to the
guruula alumni 8boys and girls: to heop pacify and mend their wounded feelings so they
wouldnt tae it as yet another reason to become dissenfranchised, considering IS&.49 not to
be the one bih happy family that its supposed to be and decide to leave the shelter of Srila
0rabhupadasone big happy family. In the course of my apology, since Sanjay was also present
8this was before he came to my door to beg forgiveness:, I begged them to mercifully overloo
my apearently meager devotional conduct and reitterated the point I had previously made to
Sanjay that they should please not misunderstand that I was acting from the male chauvinistic
platform with the materially designated consciousness as a frustrated brahmacari. 4n noticing
their rather wored-up, indignant disposition, I told in somewhat of a humorous way to support
my point that 3!lthough I am very fallen, still I would venture to say that in the course of my
advancement in &rsna consciousness, I have probably realiCed myself to be more spiritually
3female7 than alot of the women in our movement.7 I didnt say, 3+ou dont realiCe that Im
more female than you are7, refering to my 3supposedly being a gopi or more specifically a
manjari7, pllleeease66 ,here was nover any such discussion concerning any such deeper, esoteric
subject matters as manjari bhava or this bhava or that. I would never even consider discussing
any such things in such an assembly. !pano bhajana atha, na ahibe jata tatha 80rema Bhati
.handria:. 'hy has such an audacious inference been impetuously extrapolated as if seeing to
burn witches 8manjaris: at the stae( Is someone suffering from the post gopi-bhava club
paranoia syndrome, that we should thin to superimpose our fears here, there and everywhere we
imagine such ghostly absurdities( 'hos wearing the H-ray specs around here anyway( <irst
investigate, then speculate, then agitate. ,o assume maes an ass out of u and me. !SSF/E.
!re we assuming that !indra is insinuating by all this that he is 3!gopi or more specifically a
manjari7( 'ho says Im a manjari(6 I never said I was a manjari. 4ne of the main objections I
had about the 3gopi bhavaas7 preaching aside from some of them obviousle attempting to
capitaliCe by trying to pose themselves as IS&.49s newly emerged, highly elevated rasa-
acaryas 8for preaching, prabhus: was their falacious conclusion that those coming into the fold of
the )upanuga sampradaya can only have access to none other than the madhurya bhajan seen in
the writings of our predecesor acaryas for attaining the manjari bhava in their sadhya 8outcome of
spiritual practices:. I ibeg your pardon666 Even &rsna cant convince me to become a manjari if I
dont want to become a manjari. Ill wrestle *im and well see who wins6 Srila 0rabhupada, in
his Science of Self )ealiCation says, 3,his &rsna consciousness movement aims at teaching
people how to become gopi-janas, or pure lovers of &rsna.7 4bjectively speaing, no one will
argue about this being the highest goal attainable for the members of this movement.
9evertheless, only two paragraphs later, the same Srila 0rabhupada mercifully asserts, 3,his
&rsna consciousness movement can enable everyone to go to &rsnaloa and become &rsnas
associate as a friend, servant, father, or mother. &rsna is agreeable to tae any of these positions
in relation to *is devotee. ,o realiCe our relationship with &rsna, we have but to follow in the
footsteps of %ord .aitanya and *is chief associates, the six 5osvamis... 3,hese 5osvamis were
always engaged in chanting *are &rsna and dancing in ecstasy. ,hey taught that when one is
merged in &rsna-irtan, or the chanting of the holy names of &rsna, he merges into the ocean of
love of &rsna.7 It should be carefully noted that during /ahaprabhus sanirtan lilas, many types
of devotees with different internal devotional sentiments would be simultaniously present,
participating together without aggresively antagoniCing each other. *are nama prabhu is ahila
rasamrta siindu murti, an ocean of transcendental mellows. *e 8*ari nama: is bhava grahi
;anardana as is nami, &rsna *imself. 9o one should begrudje another devotees heartfelt hopes
and aspirations to eternally serve hisAher istadevata. ,o conceitedly try to force upon another
ones own mood is first class nonsense. It is simply a disturbance in the society of devotees1 this
3+ou will eat it, and you will lie it, heh, heh, heh7 type of infringement on others devotional
rights. Such narrow minded so-called gopi-bhava shenanigans could only be chaya-gopi-
bhavabhasa at best.
5opal &rsna /aharja privately ased me as a curiosity immediately after that meeting what I
meant by my statement 3realiCed myself to be more spiritually female.7 If the purport was clear,
there would have been no need for /aharaja to as me what I meant. !t least he was a
gentleman. *e ased me. !nd, I gave him my fran and candid reply to this effect2 ,his material
world is a perverted reflection of the spiritual world. 'omenhood in the spiritual world 8prarti-
bhava: con#uers the 0aram-0urusa, Sri &rsna, with her selfless and absolute self-giving, loving
service attitude. ;ust as the highest branches of a tree, when pervertedly reflected on a reservoir
of water are seen as the lowest, so similarly, the stri-rupa and stri-bhava of this material world is
understood to be inferior by nature than the mayic 3male7 in that 3she7 con#uers 3man7 by her7
selfish lust 8the antithesis of love:. ,his heart desease called lust is based on the conditioned
soulds unconstitutional desire to imitate the 0aram 0urusa as an enjoyer, and as such the general
tendency of a mayic 3woman7 to be nine times lustier, IG times egocentric, etc. than the mayic
3man7 indicates as a general rule that there is a greater measure of this false 3purusa7 abhiman
associated with 3her7 conditional way of thining, feeling, willing and acting. !lthough it is the
3man7 that is usualy seen to be the aggressor, it is 3she7 who wraps 3him7 around 3her7 little
finger to gratify 3her7 exploitive goals. I further explained to /aharaja that I have observed in
the material world, especially in the modern hum bug 3civiliCation7, that very, very often, its the
3woman7 who wants to wear the pants in the family and as such, oftimes, due to bad association,
the neophyte 3women7 who join this movement for whatever reasons, bring with them, maintain
and even try to propagate such conditional consciousness in various ways. I didnt want to
admonish them directly as I was supposed to be maing an apology, so I said in such a way with
the hopes that they would at least wonder what I was taling about. ,he import is this2
!dvancement in &rsna consciousness necessitates our gradually becoming cured of the heart
desease of falsely identifying ourselves as the enjoyer 8purusa: and coming to the consciousness
of being the enjoyed 8prarti: which is intrinsically femaly by nature. In the Bhagavatam 8&rsna
Boo:, the gopi maha-mahajanas express to %ord &rsna, 3'ithin these three worlds 8$evi
$hama, /ahesh $hama, and *ari $hama: there is no distinction between men and women in
relation to +ou because both men and women belong to the marginal potency or prarti. 9o one
is actually the enjoyer or male1 everyone is meant to be enjoyed by +ou. ,here is no woman
within these three worlds who cannot but deviate from her path of chastity once she is attracted
to +ou because +our beauty is so sublime that not only men and women, but cows, irds, beasts
and even trees, fruits and flowers - everyone and everything - become enchanted and what to
spea of ourselves(7 'ho are the 3male7 8falso purusa: chauvinist anyway( !s most of the
3women7 joining this movement are neophyte devotees still largely absorbed in the bodily
concept of life with mixed motivations, liiing for good husbands and material security etc., I
reasonably postulated that after nearly J@ years of continuous purification in devotional life, I
might have been relatively more freed from the manity of 3male7 egoism 8false purusa abhiman:
and fixed up in the pure devotional attitude 8prarti-bhava: then they wer somehow ready to give
me credit for. ,he concept that prarti is essentially female does not predicate that it is only
referring to madhurya rasa or 3more specifically a manjari7. 'hy draw this preposterous
conclusion( Every jiva is part and parcel of the pleasure potency of &rsna. !ll the associates of
%ord &rsna are expansions of Srimati )adharani. By the objective analysis of our acaryas, all the
subordinate rasas of "raja lila 8santa, dasya, sahya, and vatsalya: serve to augment and enhance
the madhurya liias of )adha and &rsna in various ways. )adharani is moola prarti, the root of
all other manifestations of prarti in all the rasas. !s such, all rasas are enjoyable by %ord &rsna
as all devotional service is under *er divine dispensation. &rsna is always grateful for any
variety of pure devotional service offered from the heahrt. $evotional service in &rsna
consciousness is a dynamic affair. It is never static or stereotype, either externally or internally.
,he mar of a #ualified spiritiual master is that he sees how to adjust the bhajan of his disciple
both externally and internally by observing the disciples natural tendencies and individual
capacity for loving service as confirmed by Srila Bhativinode ,haur in his ;aiva $harma. 9ot
that he steamlines his job, denying obvious variety by force feeding only the million dollar
madhurya bhajan program so he doesnt have to be capable of recogniCing the diverse needs in
solving different individuals five 8santa:, ten 8dasya:, hundred 8sahya:, and thousand 8vatsalya:
dollar problems and passing as rasa acarya. 9or does he retard or limit his disciples progress to
the perfection of relishing rasa on account of his own dissinterest in such as per his rather
adroitly covert spiritual incompetence. Ssome people are satisfied to bluff their way through both
material and spiritual life. Srila 0rabhupada never indulged in any such pompously pretentiously
showbottle guruisms. Its lie putting an !merican made IIG volt appliance into JJG volt Indian
current. 'hat do you thin is going to happen(6 4r conversely plugging a JJG volt machine into
IIG volt current. *ow do you expect anyone to be very enlivened. 4bviously transformers are
re#uired and the expert spiritual master intelligently adjusts everything to practically accomodate
the real needs of the disciples, both materially and spiritually, thus giving different instructions to
the different disciples accordingly1 not that he surreptitiously hides his own lac of advancement
behind the cloas of either on one hand his advocating such inds of trumped up, hocus-pocus,
highly unfeesible misconceptions about raganuga bhajan or on the other hand his 3loyal7
confinement to the exclusive propagation of rudementary rules and regs of vaidhi bhati.
$ifferent disciples will naturally need encouragement on different levels sooner than you thin.
,heres no rule saying that a disciple cannot desire and actually deserve to rapidly advance, so
the #ualified spiritual master must be prepared to deliver all the transcendental necessities when
needed. Such encouragement can only come from mature spiritual insight. 'e dont want to
spoil the disciples appetite or feed him something he wont be able to digest. Sometimes its good
to let a child get good and hungry to increase his digestive power. ,hen, when its actually his
dinner time, his fire will be strong and he will be able to digest a whole feast. ,hats alright, but
its also not good to starve the child on account of our neglect or sheer inability to feed him when
he actually re#uires nourishment. ,his can definitely mae for a very distressful situation for both
the disciple and the guru, so how important for the guru to be purely motivated, transcendentally
intelligent, expert and spiritually capable. /ae the disciple go hungry and cry, give him some
appetiCers, and feed him the feast. 9ot that we, in our concealed embarassment, continuously
pretend ad infinitum to be expertly starving him while s#irming to figure out how, when, and
with what to feed, if we even have the dignity bo be so bothered as to try to do that much1 and
demanding full faith in guru. *are &rsna6 'here is our integrity( ;iv jago6 Its not enough to
profile and appear to be towing the party line. 'e should actually be there with something
substantial dont you thin... from our side. Sad-guru must be prepared to precisely instruct and
enthuse his sad-sisya to the ultimate perfection of relishing the nuances of prema bhati rasa.