Faith, Love, Time and Dr.

Lazaro
Gregorio C. Brillantes
FROM THE ustairs veranda, Dr. Lazaro had a vie! o" stars, the #ountr$ dar%ness, the
lights on the distant high!a$ at the edge o" to!n. The honograh in the sala la$ed
Choin&li%e a vast sorro! #ontrolled, made "amiliar, he had 'een !ont to thin%. But as
he sat there, his lean "rame in the ha'itual sla#% reose he too% a"ter suer, and stared
at the lains o" night that had evo%ed gentle images and even a %ind o" ea#e (in the
end, s!eet and invin#i'le o'livion), Dr. Lazaro remem'ered nothing, his mind la$
untou#hed '$ an$ #ons#ious thought, he !as s#ar#el$ a!are o" the *ril heat+ the
atterns o" musi# "ell around him and dissolved s!i"tl$, un#omrehended. ,t !as as
though indi""eren#e !ere an in"e#tion that had entered his 'lood+ it !as ever$!here in
his 'od$. ,n the s#attered light "rom the sala his angular "a#e had a dust$, !asted
-ualit$+ onl$ his e$es #ontained li"e. He #ould have remained there all evening,
unmoving, and 'uried, as it !ere, in a strange hal".slee, had his !i"e not #ome to tell
him he !as !anted on the hone.
Graduall$ his mind stirred, "o#used+ as he rose "rom the #hair he re#ognized the som'er
assage in the sonata that, #uriousl$, made him thin% o" an#ient monuments, "aded
stone !alls, a gre$ness. The 'rain "iled a!a$ an image, an arrangement o" sounds
released i t . . . He s!it#hed o"" the honograh, suressed an imatient -uiver in his
throat as he rea#hed "or the hone/ ever$one had a #laim on his time. He thought/ !h$
not the $ounger ones "or a #hange0 He had sent a long da$ at the rovin#ial hosital.
The man !as #alling "rom a servi#e station outside the to!n&the station a"ter the
agri#ultural high s#hool, and 'e"ore the 1an Miguel 'ridge, the man added rather
needlessl$, in a voi#e at on#e "ranti# $et oddl$ su'dued and #ourteous. Dr.
Lazaro had heard it #ountless times, in the #orridors o" the hosital, in !aiting 232
233
4on Our O!n Ground
rooms/ the eretual a!%!ard miser$. He !as 5edro Este'an, the 'rother o" the
do#tor6s tenant in 7am'alan, said the voi#e, tr$ing to ma%e itsel" less sudden and
remote.
But the #onne#tion !as "ault$, there !as a humming in the !ires, as though dar%ness
had added to the distan#e 'et!een the house in the to!n and the station 'e$ond the
summer "ields. Dr. Lazaro #ould 'arel$ #at#h the several hrases. The man6s !ee%.old
#hild had a high "ever, a 'luish s%in+ its mouth !ould not oen to su#%le. The$ #ould
not ta%e the 'a'$ to the o'la#ion, the$ !ould not dare move it+ its 'od$ turned rigid
!hen tou#hed. ," the do#tor !ould #onsent to #ome at so late an hour, Este'an !ould
!ait "or him at the station. ," the do#tor !ould 'e so %ind . . .
Tetanus o" the ne!'orn/ that !as elementar$, and most li%el$ it !as also hoeless, a
!aste o" time. Dr. Lazaro said $es, he !ould 'e there+ he had #ommitted himsel" to that
ans!er, long ago+ dut$ had ta%en the la#e o" an e8hausted #omassion. The
#arelessness o" the oor, the in"e#ted 'lan%ets, the to8in moving to!ard the heart/ the$
!ere #asual s#ri''led items o" a #lini#al reort. But outside the grilled !indo!s, the
night suddenl$ seemed alive and !aiting. He had no #hoi#e le"t no! 'ut a#tion/ it !as
the onl$ #ertitude&he sometimes reminded himsel"&even i" it should rove "utile,
'e"ore the des#ent into nothingness.
His !i"e loo%ed u "rom her needles and t!ine, under the shaded lam o" the 'edroom+
she had "inished the ullover "or the grand#hild in Baguio and had 'egun !or%, he
noted, on another o" those altar vestments "or the arish #hur#h.
Religion and her grand#hild #ertainl$ %et her 'us$ . . . 1he loo%ed at him, not so mu#h
to in-uire as to 'e so%en to/ a large and la#id !oman.
9, shouldn6t have let the driver go home so earl$,9 Dr. Lazaro said. 9The$ had to !ait till
no! to #all . . .The #hild6s ro'a'l$ dead . . . 9
9Ben #an drive "or $ou.9
9, hardl$ see that 'o$ around the house. He seems to 'e on va#ation 'oth "rom home
and s#hool.9
9He6s do!nstairs,9 his !i"e said.
Dr. Lazaro ut on a "resh shirt, 'uttoned it !ith tense a'rut motions. 9, thought he6d
'e gone out again . . . :ho6s that girl he6s 'een seeing0 . . . ,t6s not ;ust !arm, it6s hot.
<ou should6ve sta$ed on in Baguio . . . There6s disease, su""ering, death, 'e#ause *dam
ate the ale. The$ must have an ans!er to ever$thing . . . 9
He aused at the door, as though "or the e#ho o" his !ords.
Mrs. Lazaro had resumed her %nitting+ in the #ir#le o" $ello! light, her head 'o!ed, she
seemed a'sor'ed in some #ontemlative ra$er. But her silen#es had #eased to distur'
him, li%e the laster saints she %et in the room, in their #ases o" glass, or that air she
!ore o" #onsira#$, !hen she le"t !ith Ben "or Mass inFaith, Love, Time and Dr. Lazaro
23=
the mornings. Dr. Lazaro !ould ram'le a'out mira#le drugs, oliti#s, musi#, the
#ommon sense o" his un'elie"+ unrelated things strung together in a monologue+ he
osed -uestions, sulied his o!n ans!ers+ and she !ould merel$ nod, !ith an
o##asional 9<es09 and 9,s that so09 and something li%e a shado! o" an8iet$ in her gaze.
He hurried do!n the #urving stairs, under the votive lams o" the 1a#red Heart. Ben la$
sra!led on the so"a, in the "ront arlor, engrossed in a 'oo%, one leg roed against
the 'a#% #ushions. 9Come along, !e6re going some!here,9
Dr. Lazaro said, and !ent into the #lini# "or his medi#al 'ag. He added a vial o"
enstre, an amule o" #a""eine to the sat#hel6s #ontents+ re#he#%ed the 'ag 'e"ore
#losing it+ the #atgut !ould last ;ust one more atient. One #an onl$ #ure, and %no!
nothing 'e$ond one6s !or% . . . There had 'een the man, toda$, in the hosital/ the
#an#er ain no longer heled '$ the doses o" morhine+ the atient6s e$es "li#%ering
their desair in the eroded "a#e. Dr. Lazaro 'rushed aside the stra$ vision as he strode
out o" the !hite!ashed room+ he !as 'a#% in his element, among s$ringes, steel
instruments, -ui#% de#isions, and it gave him a sort o" 'lunt energ$.
9,6ll drive, 5a09 Ben "ollo!ed him through the %it#hen, !here the maids !ere ironing
the !ee%6s !ash, gossiing, and out to the $ard, the dimness o" the single 'ul' under
the eaves. The 'o$ ushed 'a#% the "olding doors o" the garage and slid 'ehind the
!heel.
91ome'od$6s !aiting at the gas station near 1an Miguel. <ou %no! the la#e09
91ure,9 Ben said.
The engine suttered 'rie"l$ and stoed. 9Batter$6s !ea%,9 Dr. Lazaro said.
9Tr$ it !ithout the lights,9 and he smelled the gasoline over"lo! as the old 5ontia#
"inall$ lur#hed around the house and through the trellised gate, its "ront 'eams
s!eeing over the dr$ dust$ street.
But he6s all right, Dr. Lazaro thought as the$ s!ung smoothl$ into the main avenue o"
the to!n, ast the #hur#h and the laza, the %ios%o 'are "or on#e in a season o" "iestas,
the lam.osts shining on the -uiet s-uare. The$ did not sea%+ he #ould sense his sons6
#on#entration on the road, and he noted, !ith a tentative amusement, the intense !a$
the 'o$ sat 'ehind the !heel, his eagerness to 'e o" hel. The$ assed the dra' "rame.
houses 'ehind the mar%etla#e, and the #aitol 'uilding on its lands#aed hill, the
gears shi"ting easil$ as the$ !ent over the rail tra#%s that #rossed the last ashalted
se#tion o" the main street.
Then the road !as e''led and uneven, the #ar 'u#%ing slightl$+ and the$ !ere
seeding 'et!een oen "ields, a su##ession o" narro! !ooden 'ridges 23>
4on Our O!n Ground
'rea%ing the #run#hing drive o" the !heels. Dr. Lazaro gaz,ed at the !ide dar%ness
around them, the shaes o" trees and 'ushes hurling to!ard them and sliding a!a$,
and he sa! the stars, nearer no!, the$ seemed, moving !ith the #ar. He thought o" light
$ears, 'la#% sa#e, in"inite distan#es+ in the unmeasured universe, man6s li"e "lared
'rie"l$ and !as gone, tra#eless in the void. He turned a!a$ "rom the emtiness. He
said/ 9<ou seem to have had a lot o" ra#ti#e, Ben.9
9* lot o" !hat, 5a09
9The !a$ $ou drive. ?er$ ro"essional.9
,n the glo! o" the dash'oard lights, the 'o$6s "a#e rela8ed, smiled. 9Tio Cesar let me use
his #ar, in Manila. On se#ial o##asions.9
97o re#%less driving no!,9 Dr. Lazaro said. 91ome "ello!s thin% it6s smart.
Gives them a thrill. Don6t 'e li%e that.9
97o, , !on6t, 5a. , ;ust li%e to drive and go la#es, that6s all.9
Dr. Lazaro !at#hed the $oung "a#e intent on the road, a #o!li#% over the "orehead, the
small #urve o" the nose, his o!n "a#e 'e"ore he le"t to stud$ in another #ountr$, a $oung
student "ull o" illusions, a li"etime ago+ long 'e"ore the loss o" "aith, God turning
a'stra#t, un%no!a'le, and ever$!here, it seemed, to him, those senseless a##idents o"
ain. He "elt a need to de"ine unso%en things, to #ome #loser someho! to the last o" his
sons+ one o" these da$s, 'e"ore the 'o$6s va#ation !as over, the$ might go on a i#ni#
together, a tri to the "arm+ a se#ial da$ "or the t!o o" them&"ather and son, as !ell as
"riends. ,n the t!o $ears Ben had 'een a!a$ in #ollege, the$ had !ritten a "e! 'rie",
almost "ormal letters to ea#h other/ $our mone$ is on the !a$, these are the 'est $ears,
ma%e the most o" them . . .
Time !as moving to!ard them, !as s!irling around and rushing a!a$, and it seemed
Dr. Lazaro #ould almost hear its hollo! re#eding roar+ and dis#overing his son6s ro"ile
against the "lo!ing dar%ness, he had a thirst to sea%. He #ould not "ind !hat it !as he
had meant to sa$.
The agri#ultural s#hool 'uildings #ame u in the headlights and glided 'a#% into
'lurred shaes 'ehind a "en#e.
9:hat !as that 'oo% $ou !ere reading, Ben09
9* 'iograh$,9 the 'o$ said.
91tatesman0 1#ientist ma$'e09
9,t6s a'out a gu$ !ho 'e#ame a Traist mon%.9
9That $our summer reading09 Dr. Lazaro as%ed !ith a small laugh, hal" mo#%er$, hal"
a""e#tion. 9<ou6re getting to 'e a regular saint, li%e $our mother.9
9,t6s an interesting 'oo%,9 Ben said.
9, #an imagine . . . 9 He droed the 'antering tone. 9, suose $ou6ll go on to medi#ine
a"ter $our *.B.9
Faith, Love, Time and Dr. Lazaro
23@
9, don6t %no! $et, 5a.9
Tin$ moths li%e 'lo!n 'its o" aer "le! to!ard the !indshield and "unneled a!a$
a'ove them. 9<ou don6t have to 'e a #ountr$ do#tor li%e me, Ben. <ou #ould 'uild u a
good ra#ti#e in the #it$. 1e#ialize in #an#er, ma$'e, or neuro.surger$, and ;oin a good
hosital.9 ,t !as li%e tr$ing to re#all some rare hainess, in the #ar, in the shi"ting
dar%ness.
9,6ve 'een thin%ing a'out it,9 Ben said. 9,t6s a vo#ation, a great one. Being a'le to reall$
hel eole, , mean.9
9<ou6ve done !ell in math, haven6t $ou09
9:ell enough, , guess,9 Ben said.
9Engineering is a "ine #ourse, too,9 Dr. Lazaro said. 9There6ll 'e lots o" room "or
engineers. Far too man$ la!$ers and salesmen. 7o! i" $our 'rother&9 He #losed his
e$es, erasing the slashed !rists, art o" the "uture dead in a 'oarding.house, the
landlad$ !himering, 9He !as su#h a ni#e 'o$, Do#tor, $our son . . . 9
1orro! la$ in am'ush among the $ears.
9, have all summer to thin% a'out it,9 Ben said.
9There6s no hurr$,9 Dr. Lazaro said. :hat !as it he had !anted to sa$0
1omething a'out %no!ing ea#h other, a'out sharing+ no, it !as not that at all. . .
The station aeared as the$ #oasted do!n the in#line o" a lo! hill, its "luores#ent lights
the onl$ 'rightness on the lain 'e"ore them, on the road that led "arther into deeer
dar%ness. * "reight tru#% !as ta%ing on a load o" gasoline as the$ drove u the #on#rete
aron and stoed 'eside the station shed.
* short 'are"oot man in a at#h!or% short shu""led "or!ard to meet them. 9, am
Este'an, Do#tor,9 the man said, his voi#e "aint and hoarse, almost inaudi'le, and he
'o!ed slightl$ !ith a #are"ul oliteness. He stood 'lin%ing, loo%ing u at the do#tor,
!ho had ta%en his 'ag and "lashlight "rom the #ar. ,n the !indless sa#e, Dr. Lazaro
#ould hear Este'an6s la'ored 'reathing, the #lan% o" the metal nozzle as the attendant
rela#ed it in the um. The men in the tru#% stared at them #uriousl$.
Este'an said, ointing at the dar%ness 'e$ond the road/ 9:e !ill have to go through
those "ields, Do#tor, then #ross the river.9 The aolog$ "or $et one more imosition !as
a !ounded loo% in his e$es. He added, in his su'dued voi#e/ 9,t6s not ver$ "ar . . . 9 Ben
had so%en to the attendants and !as lo#%ing the #ar.
The tru#% rum'led and moved onderousl$ onto the road, its thro' strong and then
"ading into the !arm night stillness.
9Lead the !a$,9 Dr. Lazaro said, handing Este'an the "lashlight.
23A
4on Our O!n Ground
The$ #rossed the road, to a #le"t in the em'an%ment that 'ordered the "ields.
Dr. Lazaro !as s!eating no! in the dr$ heat+ "ollo!ing the s!inging 'all o" the
"lashlight 'eam, surrounded '$ the sti"ling night, he "elt he !as 'eing dragged,
hellessl$, to!ard some huge and #omli#ated error, a meaningless #eremon$
1ome!here to his le"t rose a "laing o" !ings, a 'ird #ried among unseen leaves+ the$
!al%ed s!i"tl$, and there !as onl$ the sound o" the silen#e, the #onstant !hir o"
#ri#%ets, and the !hiser o" their "eet on the ath 'et!een the stu''le "ields.
:ith the 'o$ #lose 'ehind him, Dr. Lazaro "ollo!ed Este'an do!n a #la$ sloe to the
sla and rile o" !ater in the dar%ness. The "lashlight sho!ed a 'an#a dra!n u at the
river6s edge+ Este'an !aded !aist.dee into the !ater, holding the 'oat stead$ as Dr.
Lazaro and Ben steed on 'oard. ,n the dar%ness, !ith the oosite 'an% li%e the "ar
rise o" an island, Dr. Lazaro had a moment6s tremor o" "ear as the 'oat slid out over the
'la#% !aters+ 'elo! ro!led the deadl$ #urrents+ to dro!n here in the deths o" night. .
. But it too% less than a minute to #ross the river. 9:e6re here, Do#tor,9 Este'an said, and
the$ added u a stret#h o" sand to a #lum o" trees+ a dog started to 'ar%, the shado!s
o" a %erosene lam !avered at a !indo!.
4nstead$ on the stee ladder, Dr. Lazaro entered the #ave o" Este'an6s hut.
The single room #ontained the odors he o"ten en#ountered 'ut had remained alien to,
stirring an imersonal disgust/ the sourish de#a$, the smells o" the unaired si#%. *n old
man greeted him, lising in#oherentl$+ a !oman, the grandmother, sat #rou#hed in a
#orner, 'eneath a "ramed rint o" the Mother o" 5eretual Hel+ a 'o$, a'out ten, slet
on, sra!led on a mat. Este'an6s !i"e, ale and thin, la$ on the "loor !ith the si#% #hild
'eside her. Motionless, its tin$ 'lue.tinged "a#e dra!n a!a$ "rom its #hest in a "i8ed
!rin%led grima#e, the in"ant seemed to 'e straining to e8ress some terri'le an#ient
!isdom.
Dr. Lazaro made a #ursor$ #he#%&s%in dr$, turning #old+ 'reathing shallo!+ heart'eat
"ast and irregular. *nd in that moment, onl$ the #hild e8isted 'e"ore him+ onl$ the #hild
and his o!n mind ro'ing no! li%e a hard gleaming instrument+ ho! strange that it
should still live, his mind said, as it #onsidered the sar% that ersisted !ithin the rigid
and tortured 'od$ He !as alone !ith the #hild, his !hole 'eing "o#used on it, in those
intense minutes shaed into a ha'it no! '$ so man$ similar instan#es/ his h$si#ian6s
%no!ledge tr$ing to %ee the heart 'eating, to revive an e''ing li"e and someho! ma%e
it rise again.
Dr. Lazaro removed the 'lan%ets that 'undled the #hild and in;e#ted a !hole amule to
#he#% the toni# sasms, the needle ier#ing neatl$ into the sarse "lesh.
He 'ro%e another amule, !ith de"t re#ise movements, and emtied the s$ringe, !hile
the in"ant la$ as sti"" as !ood 'eneath his hands. He !ied o"" the s!eatFaith, Love,
Time and Dr. Lazaro
23B
running into his e$es, then holding the rigid 'od$ !ith one hand, he tried to dra! air
into the "altering lungs, ressing and releasing the #hest+ 'ut even as he !or%ed to
res#ue the #hild, the 'luish #olor o" its "a#e 'egan to turn gre$ Dr. Lazaro rose "rom his
#rou#h on the "loor, a #ramed a#he in his shoulders, his mouth dr$. The lamlight
glistened on his ale hollo! "a#e as he #on"ronted the room again, the stale heat, the
overt$. Este'an met his gaze+ all their e$es !ere uon him, Ben at the door, the old
man, the !oman in the #orner, and Este'an6s !i"e, in the trem'ling shado!s.
Este'an said/ 9Do#tor . . .9
He shoo% his head, and rela#ed the s$ringe #ase in his 'ag, slo!l$ and deli'eratel$,
and "astened the #las. There !as a murmuring 'ehind him, a rustle a#ross the 'am'oo
"loor, and !hen he turned, Ben !as %neeling 'eside the #hild.
*nd he !at#hed, !ith a tired deta#hed surrise, the 'o$ our a tri#%le o" !ater "rom a
#o#onut shell on the in"ant6s 'ro!. He #aught the !ords hal".!hisered in the !arm
-uietness/ 9 . . . in the name o" the Father . . . 1on . . . the Hol$ 1irit . . . 9
The shado!s "laed on the !alls, the lamlight -uivering 'e"ore it settled into a
slender "lame. B$ the river dogs !ere 'ar%ing. Dr. Lazaro glan#ed at his !at#h+ it !as
#lose to midnight. Ben stood over the #hild, the #o#onut shell in his hands, as though
!ondering !hat ne8t to do !ith it, until he sa! his "ather nod "or them to go.
9Do#tor, tell us&9 Este'an #lut#hed at his arm.
9, did ever$thing,9 Dr. Lazaro said. 9,t6s too late&9 He gestured vaguel$, !ith a dull
resentment+ '$ some imli#it relationshi, he !as also resonsi'le, "or the miser$ in the
room, the hoelessness. 9There6s nothing more , #an do, Este'an,9
he said. He thought !ith a "li#% o" anger/ 1oon the #hild !ill 'e out o" it, $ou ought to
'e grate"ul. Este'an6s !i"e 'egan to #r$, a !ea% smothered gasing, and the old !oman
!as #om"orting her&9,t is the !ill o" God, m$ daughter . . . 9
,n the $ard, Este'an ressed #are"ull$ "olded 'ills into the do#tor6s hand+ the lim,
tattered "eel o" the mone$ !as art o" the "utile ;ourne$. 9, %no! this is not enough,
Do#tor,9 Este'an said. 9*s $ou #an see, !e are ver$ oor . . . , shall 'ring $ou "ruit,
#hi#%ens, someda$ . . . 9
* late moon had risen, edging over the tos o" the trees, and in the "aint !ash o" its
light, Este'an guided them 'a#% to the 'oat. * glimmering riled on the sur"a#e o" the
!ater as the$ addled a#ross+ the !hite moonlight sread in the s%$, and a sudden
!ind srang rain.li%e and !as lost in the trees massed on the river'an%.
9, #annot than% $ou enough, Do#tor,9 Este'an said. 9<ou have 'een ver$ %ind to #ome
this "ar, at this hour.9
23C
4on Our O!n Ground
The$ stood on the #la$ 'an%, in the moon.shado!s 'eside the gleaming !ater. Dr.
Lazaro said/ 9<ou 'etter go 'a#% no!, Este'an. :e #an "ind the !a$ 'a#% to the road.
The trail is ;ust over there, isn6t it09 He !anted to 'e rid o" the man, to 'e a!a$ "rom the
sh$ hum'le voi#e, the rolonged !ret#hedness.
92 shall 'e grate"ul al!a$s, Do#tor,9 Este'an said. 9*nd to $our son, too. God go !ith
$ou.9 He !as a "a#eless voi#e !ithdra!ing in the shado!s, a #iher in the sha''$
#ro!ds that #ame to to!n on mar%et da$s.
9Let6s go, Ben,9 Dr. Lazaro said.
The$ too% the ath 'a#% a#ross the "ields+ around them the moonlight had trans"ormed
the lands#ae, revealing a gentle, more "amiliar dimension, a luminous haze uon the
trees stirring !ith a gro!ing !ind+ and the heat o" the night had assed, a #oolness !as
"alling "rom the dee s%$. 4nhurried, his a#e no more than a #asual stroll, Dr. Lazaro
"elt the oression o" the night 'egin to li"t "rom him+ an emotionless #alm returned to
his mind. The sarro! does not "all !ithout the Father6s leave, he mused at the s%$, 'ut
it "alls ;ust the same. But to !hat end are the su""erings o" a #hild0 The #ri#%ets #hired
ea#e"ull$ in the moon.ale dar%ness 'eneath the trees.
9<ou 'atized the #hild, didn6t $ou, Ben09
9<es, 5a.9 The 'o$ %et in ste 'eside him.
He .used to 'elieve in it, too, the o!er o" the Hol$ 1irit !ashing a!a$ original sin,
the uri"ied soul made heir o" heaven. He #ould still remem'er "ragments o" his
'o$hood "aith, as one might remem'er an imro'a'le and long.dis#arded dream.
9La$ 'atism, isn6t that the name "or it09
9<es,9 Ben said. 9, as%ed the "ather. The 'a'$ hadn6t 'een 'atized.9 He added as the$
#ame to the em'an%ment that searated the "ields "rom the road/ 9The$ !ere !aiting
"or it to get !ell.9
* "ine gesture, it roved the 'o$ had resen#e o" mind, #onvi#tions, 'ut !hat else0 The
!orld !ill tea#h him his greatest lessons.
The station had #losed, !ith onl$ the #ano$ light and the glo'ed neon sign le"t
'urning. * stead$ !ind !as 'lo!ing no! a#ross the "ields, the moonlit lains.
He sa! Ben sti"le a $a!n. 9,6ll do the driving,9 Dr. Lazaro said.
His e$es !ere not !hat the$ used to 'e, and he drove leaning "or!ard, his hands tight
on the !heel. He 'egan to s!eat again, and the emt$ road and the lateness and the
memor$ o" Este'an and o" the #hild d$ing 'e"ore morning in the #ramed lamlit room
"used into a tired melan#hol$. He started to thin% o" his other son, the one !hom he had
lost.
Faith, Love, Time and Dr. Lazaro
23D
He said, see%ing #onversation, 9," other eole #arried on li%e $ou, Ben, the riests
!ould run out o" 'usiness.9
The 'o$ sat 'eside him, his "a#e averted, not ans!ering.
97o!, $ou6ll have an angel ra$ing "or $ou in heaven,9 Dr. Lazaro said, teasing, tr$ing
to #reate an eas$ mood 'et!een them. 9:hat i" $ou hadn6t 'atized the 'a'$ and it
died09 :hat !ould haen to it then09
9,t !on6t see God,9 Ben said.
9But isn6t that un"air09 ,t !as li%e a riddle, trivial 'ut diverting. 9Eust 'e#ause&9
9Ma$'e God has another remed$,9 Ben said. 9, don6t %no!. But the Chur#h sa$s&9
He #ould sense the 'o$ groing "or the tremendous ans!ers. 9The Chur#h tea#hes, the
Chur#h sa$s . . . 9 God/ Christ/ the #ommunion o" saints/ Dr. Lazaro "ound himsel"
!ondering again at the !orld o" novenas and #andles, !here 'read and !ine 'e#ame
the "lesh and 'lood o" the Lord, and a !oman 'athed in light aeared 'e"ore the
#hildren, and mortal men so%e o" eternal li"e, the vision o" God, the 'od$6s resurre#tion
at the end o" time. ,t !as li%e a #ountr$ "rom !hi#h he !as 'arred+ no matter&the
#ustoms, the geograh$ didn6t aeal to him. But in the #ar suddenl$, driving through
the night, he !as a!are o" an o's#ure disaointment, a su'tle ressure around his
heart, as though he had 'een derived o" a #ertain ;o$ . . .
* 'us roared around a hill to!ard them, its lights 'linding him, and he ulled to the
side o" the road, 'ra%ing involuntaril$ as a 'illo! o" dust s!et over the #ar.
He had not #losed the !indo! on his side, and the "lung dust oured in, the thi#%
'rittle o!der almost #ho%ing him, ma%ing him #ough, his e$es smarting, 'e"ore he
#ould shield his "a#e !ith his hands. ,n the headlights the dust si"ted do!n and !hen
the air !as #lear again, Dr. Lazaro, s!allo!ing a taste o" earth, o" dar%ness,
maneuvered the #ar 'a#% onto the road, his arms num' and e8hausted. He drove the
last mile to to!n in silen#e, his mind registering nothing 'ut the grit o" dust in his
mouth and the emt$ road un!inding s!i"tl$ 'e"ore him.
The$ rea#hed the sleeing to!n, the desolate streets, the laza emt$ in the moonlight,
and the huddled shaes o" houses, the old houses that Dr. Lazaro had al!a$s %no!n.
Ho! man$ nights had he driven home li%e this through the -uiet to!n, !ith a man6s
li"e ended 'ehind him, or a #hild #r$ing ne!l$ risen "rom the !om'+ and a sense o"
#onstant motion, o" #hange, o" the da$s moving s!i"tl$ to!ard an immense revelation
tou#hed him on#e more, 'rie"l$, and still he #ould not "ind the !ords. He turned the last
#orner, then steered the #ar do!n the graveled drive!a$ to the garage, !hile Ben #losed
the gate. Dr. Lazaro sat there a 2=F
4on Our O!n Ground
moment, in the stillness, resting his e$es, #ons#ious o" the measured 'eating o" his heart,
and 'reathing a s#ent o" dust that lingered on his #lothes, his s%in, 'e"ore he "inall$
!ent around the to!er o" the !ater.tan% to the "ront $ard !here Ben stood !aiting.
:ith una##ustomed tenderness, he la#ed a hand on Ben6s shoulder as the$ turned
to!ard the #ement.!alled house. The$ had gone on a tri+ the$ had #ome home sa"el$
together. He "elt #loser to the 'o$ that he had ever 'een in $ears.
91orr$ "or %eeing $ou u this late,9 Dr. Lazaro said.
9,t6s all right, 5a.9
91ome night, huh, Ben0 :hat $ou did 'a#% in that 'arrio&9 there !as ;ust the slightest
atronage in his tone&9$our mother !ill love to hear a'out it.9
He shoo% the 'o$ 'eside him gentl$. 9Reverend Father Ben Lazaro.9 The imulse o"
un#ertain humor&it !as art o" the #omradeshi. He #hu#%led dro!sil$/ 9Father
Lazaro, !hat must , do to gain eternal li"e09
*s he slid the door oen on the vault o" dar%ness, the "amiliar deths o" the house, it
#ame to Dr. Lazaro "aintl$ in the late night that "or #ertain things, li%e love, there !as
onl$ so mu#h time. But the glimmer !as lost instantl$, 'uried in the mist o" indi""eren#e
and slee rising no! in his 'rain.