Modern Family Spec

"Mister Saigon"
ACT ONE
EXT. PARK - PLAYGROUND - EARLY MORNING
Gloria is watching Joe play. Two twenty-something nannies are
talking about another woman in the park.
GIRL
How many face-lifts do you think
shes had?
Gloria touches her face, worried.
GIRL (CONTD)
Poor kid. By the time he graduates
high school, shell probably be in
a nursing home.
GLORIA
Do you talk about your mother with
that mouth? Im only thirty-nine!
Gloria grabs Joe and storms off. The girls look confused.
INTERVIEW GLORIA
GLORIA (CONTD)
Im not thirty-nine. Jay and Manny
dont know. I just told a little
fib when Manny was young, but he
learned to count so quickly! We
tell the children in Colombia that
if they lie, they get stolen, so of
course I thought I should wait
until he was older to tell the
truth. Now Im the one whos older!
MAIN TITLES
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Claire, Alex, Haley, and Phil are in the kitchen getting
ready for the day.
HALEY
Isnt senior skip day usually some
time this week?
ALEX
Wasnt every day your senior skip
day?
1.
CLAIRE
We were just happy she made it to
senior year.
HALEY
See, this is exactly why Im
starting yoga classes. Too much
negative energy around here.
Mitchell rings the doorbell multiple times. He lets himself
in.
MITCHELL
Is everyone going in slow motion
today? First Im stuck behind some
grandma on the way here, then I had
to circle around to look for
parking. Also, I think theres
something wrong with your doorbell.
I had to ring it like five times.
PHIL
Slow down, brother. No negative
energy allowed. This is a chill
zone.
Mitchell looks at him, confused.
PHIL (CONTD)
Kidding! Im really proud of you
two for trying something new. You
got a one way ticket to meditation
station. Thats the real soul
train.
MITCHELL
What? No. Im not doing yoga for
myself. Personally, I think its a
little silly, but I feel like Im
the only one at my office who
doesnt meditate. If those idiots
can find Zen, so can I.
CLAIRE
Competitive yoga. I could get
behind that.
HALEY
I just need to sit, clear my mind,
and focus on nothing.
2.
ALEX
You do realize theres a physical
aspect to yoga. Its not just
sitting there.
Claire has been clapping at fruit flies the whole time.
CLAIRE
Phil, youve got to stop buying in
bulk. We have a serious fruit fly
problem.
MITCHELL
Fruit Fly! Thats what we used to
call you in college when youd
follow me and my friends around to
the gay bars. Remember?
CLAIRE
That I dont recall. What I do
remember is you crying in the
bathroom after --
MITCHELL
Ok, were off!
Haley and Mitchell head out the door.
PHIL
While you guys are stretching your
bodies, Ill be here stretching the
savings!
CLAIRE AND PHIL INTERVIEW
PHIL (CONTD)
Ive been having a slow couple of
months at work, so I started
holding seminars about real estate
investment opportunities and Ive
also started Q-ponning!
CLAIRE
Phil thinks couponing is an
entirely new concept because
somebody made an app. for it.
PHIL
Dont DISCOUNT me! I know the DEAL.
It just makes a lot of CENTS. If
you need to get in touch with the Q-
pon master, just RING ME UP.
3.
CLAIRE
Stop saying Q-pon!
PHIL
Thats the name of the app.
Phil holds his phone up.
PHIL (CONTD)
Q-ponning. Its not just for
grannies anymore.
INT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Manny and Jay are in the kitchen when Gloria and Joe come
back from the park.
GLORIA
Dios mo otro canas! Soy ms
vieja cada minuto!
JAY
A little help here?
MANNY
Jay, you know I dont speak
Spanish, but angry mother
translates universally. I think she
said something about finding a grey
hair. I believe thats your
department, not mine.
Manny quickly puts a hat on to cover up a grey streak in his
hair.
JAY
Looks like were co-chairs of that
department today. Whats all this?
MANNY
(taking off the hat)
Luke and I are starting our service
project at Pleasant Meadows today.
I want the residents to know that
Im not just some immature kid, so
I added a little hi-light.
JAY
Something tells me you would have
been okay without it.
4.
GLORIA
You better never send me to a place
like that, Manny! Ill live with
you until I die, and then you can
just send me out to sea.
JAY
Go out the same way you came in.
Good plan.
MANNY AND JAY INTERVIEW
MANNY
My mom gets this way every year.
For as much as she loves to
celebrate all our birthdays, she
really hates her own. Normally Id
say things to cheer her up, but
were planning a nice little
birthday soiree for her, and we
want it to be a surprise.
JAY
So your plan is to ignore her and
make her feel bad now so shes more
excited about the surprise party
later?
MANNY
Its not a surprise party. Its a
birthday soiree. How does no one
get my vision? Plus, Im not
ignoring her.
GLORIA (O.S.)
(knocking)
Where did everyone go? You didnt
finish your breakfast!
MANNY
I said not now, Mom!
INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS CONDO - KITCHEN - DAY
Cameron is wearing a rice paddy hat and is surrounded by
groceries and bags from the Asian market when Mitchell walks
in.
MITCHELL
Are we having Lilys entire birth
family over for a dinner I didnt
know about?
5.
CAMERON
Dont you bring your negativity in
here, Nancy.
MITCHELL
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Seriously, though. Whats all this?
I thought we cancelled your
Epicurious subscription after your
epicuriosity killed the cat.
CAMERON
When I dropped Lily off at school
this morning, I realized that ALL
the kids in her class are white.
MITCHELL
Great, so shes pretty much got
valedictorian in the bag, then.
CAMERON
No, this is serious! I really think
its important for us to help her
experience her Vietnamese heritage.
MITCHELL
The last time I saw you use chop
sticks, you were trying to reach a
chocolate chip that rolled under
the microwave.
CAMERON
I didnt want it to melt and make a
mess. And our childs identity is
going to be a mess if we dont try
to give her the opportunity to
embrace her Asianinity.
MITCHELL
And your making up words will make
her less confused.
Cameron pulls out two gallon-jars of kimchi, and opens one.
He fights back gagging.
CAMERON
Fine. I guess Lily and I will be
having dinner by ourselves tonight.
LILY (O.S.)
If that smell has something to do
with dinner, you can cancel my
reservation.
6.
MITCHELL
You know that kimchi is Korean,
right?
CAMERON
Well thats appropriate, because I
feel like Im living in a
dictatorship!
Cameron exits angrily.
INTERVIEW MITCHELL
MITCHELL
Cam is an all or nothing kind of
person. He tends to go overboard
with most things -- like the time
he found out that he might possibly
have a slight allergy to dairy.
INT. GROCERY STORE - DAIRY ISLE - FLASHBACK
A woman next to Cam drops an entire gallon of milk and its
spilling all over the floor. Cam runs away waiving his arms.
CAMERON
IM LACTOSE INTOLERANT!
INTERVIEW MITCHELL (CONTD)
MITCHELL
I just dont want this to turn into
that. No use crying over spilt
milk doesnt really hold up in
this house.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKER ROOM - MORNING
Alex is standing at her locker in a seemingly empty locker
room looking around anxiously.
INTERVIEW ALEX
ALEX
I asked Haley how to do senior skip
day and do you know what she said?
You just dont go. Ha!
(MORE)
7.
Ive gotten a group together, lined
up our schedules, and have come up
with a quite ingenious way of doing
senior skip day without missing any
assignments. I can do both! Its
foolproof.
She holds up laminated/hi-lighted charts and schedules.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
A group of nerdy students comes in and huddles around Alex.
ALEX
Listen up. Weve got a pretty tight
schedule today. Youve all been
hand-picked for a reason --
One more nerd runs in, trips, and holds up a now crumpled
map.
ALEX (CONTD)
and that reason really only has to
do with your schedules so that we
have someone to cover every period.
Anyway, just follow these charts,
and meet back here before last
period. Group one can come in my
car.
INT. NURSING HOME - FOYER - AFTERNOON
LUKE
This stinks. Literally.
MANNY
Im looking forward to it. I think
we can learn a lot from our elders.
LUKE
Im looking forward to the free
pudding. See ya!
Luke walks into the cafeteria to find a group of elderly men
sitting at a table.
OLD MAN
Oh good. The high school kids are
back. This place should stink like
cologne in no time!
ALEX (CONT'D)
8.
LUKE
Im just here for the free pudding.
OLD MAN
If youre lucky youll get a prize!
I found my teeth in mine last week!
Luke excitedly starts pulling the cellophane off every bowl
of pudding in hopes of finding something cool.
INT. NURSING HOME - RESIDENTS ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Manny is playing cards with some of the residents.
MANNY
I could really get used to the pace
here.
Luke appears at the door, out of breath.
LUKE
The pace here might be a little
faster than you think.
Luke motions for Manny to come into the hallway to see that
movers are cleaning out a room across the hall.
RESIDENT
That was Moe. He was only seventy-
five years young!
MANNY
Oh my God. Thats not much older
than Jay!
LUKE
Great!
MANNY
Not exactly the response I
expected. Hes still your
grandfather.
LUKE
No, I mean since hes so old, we
can just volunteer to help him.
We can still get credit and well
kill two birds with one stone.
MANNY
I think its a little soon to be
talking about death so lightly. And
why are you out of breath?
9.
Two of the residents from the cafeteria pull up on their
scooters at the end of the hall.
RESIDENTS
There he is!/Theres the pudding
thief!/ Get him!
Manny and Luke run for the exit. They see their counselor,
Mr. Carter, at the door.
MANNY
Whats your stance on in-home care?
MR. CARTER
Most students shy away from that.
Its a big job. Do you think you
can handle it?
Jay pulls into the parking lot (going the wrong way) to pick
up the boys.
MR. CARTER (CONTD)
Those patients can be confused.
MANNY
Yup.
MR. CARTER
Easily irritated.
Jay starts beeping for their attention.
MANNY
Check.
MR. CARTER
Stubborn.
JAY
(yelling from the car)
Lets go! Get the lead out!
LUKE
I think weve got a winner!
MR. CARTER
Im very impressed with your
dedication to helping the elderly.
I think thats a fine idea,
gentlemen. Ill set it up through
your school.
10.
LUKE
No need for that! Weve got it
covered!
Manny and Luke run away to Jays car as the old men in
scooters are inching closer to the door.
END OF ACT ONE
11.
ACT TWO
INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS CONDO - KITCHEN - DAY
Claire rings the doorbell, and Cameron answers the door in a
kimono.
CAMERON
Hi. Dont mind me - I spilled
kimchi on my pants, and Im just
waiting for them to come out of the
wash.
CLAIRE
Didnt even cross my mind. Mitchell
told me you have some kind of
repellent that worked when you had
fruit flies last summer. Please
tell me you have some left.
CAMERON
Of course. Come on in while I find
it. I just made some tea; have a
seat.
Cameron does a ceremonial bow and pours her tea.
CLAIRE
Ok. Whats all this? I feel like
Im in that drag Japanese
restaurant we used to go to.
CAMERON
Oh, Sake To Me? I loved that place!
Aw, remember when we used to call
you Fruit Fly?
CLAIRE
No! No one ever told me this!
CAMERON
Anyway, Im trying to embrace more
Vietnamese culture for Lily. We
just signed her up for karate
classes, too. I dont want her to
grow up confused about who she is.
CLAIRE
Im almost positive that karate
comes from China, and youre sure
that her dad wearing a Japanese
dress wont just confuse her more?
12.
CAMERON
You know, you were a lot less
judgey when you were a fruit fly.
Lily enters.
LILY
Whats for lunch? Im hungry.
CAMERON
I made kimchi stew with fish balls!
LILY
Are fish balls like fish sticks?
CLAIRE
Not even close.
LILY
Every country has a McDonalds, and
this is not a happy meal.
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - FRONT - DAY
Phil is saying goodbye to a few people when Jay pulls up on a
golf cart.
JAY
I caught the last few minutes of
that seminar. Some interesting
ideas.
PHIL
Oh, well Im flatter--
JAY
(interrupting)
Calm down. I just came by for a
round of golf and I walked by and
overheard some stuff. Some overly-
complicated stuff.
PHIL
Well if youd like me to explain it
more, we can have a one-on-one
seminar.
JAY
No need for that. I understand what
youre saying, I just think your
methods are a little...
technologically snobby.
(MORE)
13.
You dont need all these apps and
do-dads to save money. I did it the
old fashioned way, and look at me
now.
PHIL
With all due respect, I think the
housing market back then consisted
of sticking a flag into your
territory and calling it a day. The
mortgage companies arent quite so
easy to navigate anymore.
JAY
At least I dont need a GPS to
navigate. Do you even know where we
are right now? Men of your
generation have completely lost
their sense of direction.
PHIL
Are you uncomfortable with the idea
of a man Q-ponning, too? Its 2014,
Jay; a time of gender equality and
role playing! (beat) Role reversal.
JAY
Youre wrong. There will always be
roles. Some people are meant to
manage, and some people are meant
to be managed. You build an empire
by delegating responsibility.
PHIL
Step into this century, old man! I
bet I can buy all the supplies on
your list for Glorias birthday
party using only my technological
savvy and twenty bucks.
JAY
Great. Lists are more Mannys
thing, so heres what he wants.
Good luck with that Colombian goat
milk.
Jay starts to drive away.
PHIL
No problem!
(looking worried into the
camera)
JAY (CONT'D)
14.
INT. FROZEN YOGURT STORE - DAY
Cameron and Gloria are standing over the self-serve topping
bar.
CAMERON
Oh, maybe you should ask about the
senior discount, birthday girl!
GLORIA
Everybodys a comedian today! I
might be old, but at least Im not
abusing the toppings bar.
CAMERON
Its lychee. Its Vietnamese.
GLORIA
Its Chinese!
Gloria storms out and Cameron is left standing with his bowl
in hand.
CAMERON
But I already took my Lactaid!
INTERVIEW CAMERON
CAMERON (CONTD)
(Eating directly from a
block of cheese.)
Since Im the actor of the family,
I was the one responsible for
distracting Gloria before the
surprise party. We came up with
this thing called Fro-Yo Talk Show
where we go get frozen yogurt,
people watch, and pretend were
hosting our own talk show about
everybody who walks by.
Unfortunately, todays episode got
a little sour.
Cameron looks at the cheese, then looks at the camera.
CAMERON (CONTD)
I already took my Lactaid...
EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON
Alex and her group of friends are sitting on the beach while
everyone else has fun around them. A beach ball hits Alex in
the head.
15.
ALEX
Ok, you guys ready to go back? I
think were done here.
Everyone agrees.
INT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jay is sitting back in a recliner with the dog on his lap.
Manny enters.
MANNY
Heres your tea. I know you usually
take it with whiskey, but I
recently finished reading a new
study from the World Health
Organization, and...
JAY
Dont even finish that sentence.
MANNY
Okay, but turning a blind eye will
probably only lead to two blind
eyes.
JAY
Read me the description for this
show, will ya? I left my glasses in
the kitchen.
MANNY
(handing Jay his volunteer
time-sheet)
Sure thing. Would you mind signing
this?
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY
Phil is on the attic ladder while Claire holds it steady.
CLAIRE
I just dont see how wearing
spandex while you shop is going to
prove your manliness to my father.
PHIL
This part isnt for your father.
Its to streamline this beautiful
machine.
(MORE)
16.
Plus its so tight it makes me go
faster, because I can usually only
wear it for twenty minutes before I
start to lose blood-flow.
Claire sees a fruit fly and lets go of the ladder.
CLAIRE
(swatting and clapping
furiously)
Is this where theyre coming from
or have they spread?
PHIL
Found em!
Phil raises the spandex in triumph, falls backwards off the
ladder and tumbles down the stairs.
PHIL (CONTD)
Dunphy down!
CLAIRE
I think it would be funnier if you
said Phil down. Because then it
sounds more like fell down.
PHIL
You dont even Claire.
INT. CAMERONS CAR - DAY
GLORIA
Thank you for picking me up after I
stormed out. I cant get as far in
heels as I used to, you know?
CAMERON
Ugh. Tell me about it. Now are you
going to explain what that was all
about back there or are we going to
use the Pritchett method and
pretend it never happened?
GLORIA
Ok, Im just going to say it. Im --
A horn beeps, and we dont hear her say her age.
CAMERON
What?! This is so unfair. How is
anyone supposed to compete with
that?
PHIL (CONT'D)
17.
GLORIA
Cameron, lying is a big deal in my
culture. Ive lived for years in
fear that I could be snatched up at
any minute!
Cameron looks confused.
GLORIA (CONTD)
I shouldnt have kept the lie going
for so long. Im setting a bad
example as a mother.
CAMERON
Well what kind of father am I who
doesnt even know whats Vietnamese
and whats not? When life gives you
lychee, what in the world do you
make? Are we bad parents?
GLORIA
We dont have to be. Im going to
tell them the truth. Take me home!
CAMERON
This is so exciting! Theyre not
even going to be mad at you. When
youre old you can literally get
away with murder.
Gloria glares at Cameron.
CAMERON (CONTD)
Not literally.
END OF ACT TWO
18.
ACT THREE
EXT. SUPER MARKET - PARKING LOT - DAY
Phil is in a scooter-cart and Luke is behind him, rubbing his
shoulders like a coach.
PHIL
You cant spell struggle without
Strug.
LUKE
Thats true... I dont get it.
PHIL
I realize youre too young to know
who Kerry Strug is, but the bottom
line is that she didnt give up
when she was hurt! If she can win a
gold medal with a broken foot, we
can do this!
LUKE
Whatever you say.
PHIL
Get my phone out of my pocket for
me. Its Q-pon time.
Luke gets the phone, and the screen is shattered.
PHIL (CONTD)
WHYYYYYYYY?
LUKE
Its not a big deal. Lets just get
the stuff and use the coupons
another time. Grandpa wont care.
PHIL
I only brought fifteen dollars.
LUKE
I thought you could use twenty.
PHIL
Its called challenging yourself!
(beat) Im sorry, buddy, Im
lashing out. Dump all your change
in here, and well see what weve
got.
A man from Phils savings seminar walks by.
19.
PHIL (CONTD)
Jerry! Good to see you again so
soon!
JERRY
Hi Phil. Really good seminar
earlier. You gave some great tips.
PHIL
Yeah, yeah. Listen, I need to
borrow some money.
JERRY
Is this a test? Correct me if Im
wrong, but didnt you say dont
lend a dime and your savings they
will climb?
PHIL
(looking desperate)
Im in a pickle here, Jerry!
JERRY
Yeah, that was in the third verse;
dont lend a nickle even if
theyre in a pickle. Catchy tune.
See ya later.
LUKE
When you dont have any cash, its
a pain in the --
PHIL
Luke!
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
Alex and her friends try getting into school through a back
door.
ALEX
Its locked! How can it be locked?
FRIEND
Uh, weve never skipped school
before. We didnt prepare for this.
Were probably just going to go
home so we dont get caught.
ALEX
What? No! I need to get my biology
notes from my locker! We have a
test tomorrow! Someone hoist me up.
20.
Someone helps Alex climb to the top of a dumpster. The bell
rings, and her friends scatter.
INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS CONDO - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Haley and Mitchell are trying to meditate but are clearly
bored. Hayleys phone rings, and she picks it up immediately.
HALEY
Ugh, what? Im meditating.
ALEX (V.O.)
I need your help.
HALEY
Im sorry, what was that?
ALEX (V.O.)
Dont make me beg.
HALEY
No, seriously I couldnt hear you
theres like an echo or something.
Reveal Alex stuck hanging halfway out the window.
ALEX
I tried to get back into school
through a bathroom window...
HALEY
Your boobs are way too big for
that.
MITCHELL
Is that Alex? Tell her I said hi.
ALEX
I heard. Remember that echo?
MITCHELL
Dont worry Alex, a similar thing
happened to me last year only I was
stuck in a vent at work. At least
you have your cell phone! I dropped
mine and then --
ALEX (V.O.)
I dont really see how this is
important right now, Uncle
Mitchell.
21.
HALEY
Just so Im clear - youre trying
to sneak back into school?
ALEX
Please hurry.
INTERVIEW HALEY
HALEY
I should have told her that the gym
door is always unlocked and that
she could have gone through the
basement and up through the music
wing from there. But what kind of a
sister would I be if I didnt let
her learn her own lessons? (beat) I
also really wanted to see her stuck
in a window.
INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS CONDO - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MITCHELL
Lily! Lets go. We have to pick up
Alex.
LILY
You guys are finished with
meditation so soon?
HALEY
(to Mitchell)
Whats this? Why is she doing air-
quotes?
LILY
I dont know why you cant just
call it nap time. I would hate for
Aunt Claire to find out you
canceled lunch plans for yoga.
HALEY
Is she trying to bribe us?
MITCHELL
Where is this going exactly?
LILY
Tell Daddy that karate is
Vietnamese so we dont have to eat
any more fish guts.
22.
MITCHELL
Done.
INT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN- AFTERNOON
MANNY
We should really start getting
everything ready for tonight. Do
you still have my list?
JAY
I gave it to Phil. He thinks he can
use coupons on some stupid app to
get everything for your mothers
party with twenty bucks.
MANNY
Twenty dollars??
JAY
Dont worry. Hell either spend the
money thats actually needed, or he
will screw it up and Gloria will
get a kick out of it.
MANNY
Listen, Jay, I dont want to talk
badly about my mom but were living
in a material world and she is a
material girl.
JAY
(reading from the paper he
signed)
Meal preparation and feeding:
thirty minutes, reading time:
fifteen minutes. What is this?
MANNY
You signed it earlier. Its for my
school service assignment.
JAY
Why is the service location listed
as our house?
MANNY
It was Lukes idea! When we got to
the nursing home, people were
dropping like flies, Jay! I cant
handle that kind of stress!
23.
JAY
So you thought youd help out your
old man and count that as your
service?
MANNY
One guy was seventy-five and he
croaked! And youre sixty-five,
so...
Cameron pulls in the driveway and Gloria is about to walk in
the door when she overhears Jay and Mannys conversation.
JAY
Thats ten years! Do you have any
idea what a big difference that is?
Thats more than half your life!
Gloria runs back in the car without being noticed.
JAY (CONTD)
Get your coat. Were going to that
nursing home right now and youre
going to tell the counselor the
truth. Im no charity case. You
think Im a chore to be around?
MANNY
Lets just calm down here. Its
almost soiree time.
JAY
The party can wait. Just get in the
car.
Jay and Manny walk out the front door to find Phil and Luke
walking up the driveway. Phil has his arms full of random
things for the party.
MANNY
The jig is up.
JAY
(to Luke)
And it didnt take more than two
seconds for him to blame the big
idea on you.
LUKE
Traitor!
PHIL
What the heck is going on here?
24.
LUKE
(to Phil)
It doesnt concern us.
JAY
I think it does! Phil, follow us to
the nursing home. These two have
some explaining to do.
PHIL
But what about the party?
Jay has already started pulling out of the driveway.
PHIL (CONTD)
Ok. Ill just leave everything here
then.
INT. CAMERONS CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Gloria and Cameron are still parked outside the house.
CAMERON
So whats going on now?
GLORIA
Follow them!
CAMERON
But we dont even know where
theyre--
GLORIA
I said step on them!
INT. MITCHELLS CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Mitchell, Haley, Lily, and Alex are at a stop sign when they
see the three cars pass by going away from Jays house.
MITCHELL
Where is everyone going?
HALEY
Oh my God did someone die? This
looks like a funeral procession.
25.
ALEX
Uncle Cam just texted me.
Apparently they want us to meet
them at 1487 Roscoe Blvd., which
according to the GPS, is a place
called Pleasant Meadows.
HALEY
Oh my God someone did die!
MITCHELL
Nobody died!
ALEX
Hows that yoga class going?
Mitchell and Lily make eye contact in the rear-view mirror.
INT. PLEASANT MEADOWS - FOYER - MOMENTS LATER
JAY
(to an employee)
Wheres the guy in charge here?
EMPLOYEE
Everybody is in the Great Room for
a birthday soiree.
JAY
(to Manny)
And you mean to tell me you didnt
like it here?
Phil, Luke, Cam, and Gloria walk in.
MANNY
What are you doing here?
GLORIA
I had to come right away. Theres
something I have to get off my
chest.
OLD MAN
Looks like theres a couple things
she could get off her chest!
Everyone looks at him. He passes by slowly in his scooter.
GLORIA
Ive been a bad mother and a bad
wife.
(MORE)
26.
Theres something Ive been lying
about, and I cant hold it in
anymore even if it will make you
mad.
Mitchell, Alex, Haley, Claire, and Lily (in a karate uniform)
walk in.
GLORIA (CONTD)
Im forty-four!
Claire begins to clap in excitement.
CLAIRE
Thought I saw a fruit fly...
JAY
I hate to break it to ya, Gloria,
but this isnt news to us.
MANNY
Yeah come on, Mom. I just went
along with it because I thought
thats what women do after they hit
thirty; just keep celebrating the
same birthdays for a while.
JAY
I have to say that you being older
makes me feel younger. I think its
a win-win.
PHIL
Forty-four never looked so good!
Claire gives him a look.
PHIL (CONTD)
Until two years from now when
Claire turns forty-four...
GLORIA
But what was all that in the house
about ten years being such a big
deal?
JAY
Well I guess lying is genetic. Why
dont you ask your son what thats
about?
GLORIA
Whats going on, Manny? Why is
everyone here?
GLORIA (CONT'D)
27.
MITCHELL
We just followed you guys.
CAMERON
Well, we followed Phil and Jay.
PHIL
Jay made me come.
CLAIRE
I got a call from Phil saying that
Glorias party was moved here.
GLORIA
What party?
MANNY
Everythings ruined.
Mr. Carter walks out into the foyer.
MR. CARTER
Manny? Are you putting in even more
hours now? Im really in awe of
this dedication!
MANNY
Youre not making this any easier.
LUKE
It was my fault.
MR. CARTER
Are you referring to the pudding
incident? Some people just get
excited about pudding. Its ok,
really.
Everyone looks confused.
GLORIA
What is going on?
LUKE
I convinced Manny to quit
volunteering here so he could just
help Grandpa instead.
CLAIRE
(to Luke)
What about your volunteer hours?
Who have you helped? Besides
yourself, to pudding?
28.
MR. CARTER
Lets say Ill call it even if
everyone joins us for the birthday
celebration. The more the merrier.
He walks back toward the Great Room.
MR. CARTER (CONTD)
I hope Ill see you in here!
GLORIA
I should always have my birthday at
a place like this. It makes me feel
so young!
ALEX
I feel so old. You know, I tried to
act like a teenager today and I
lasted about twenty minutes. Acting
your age is overrated.
MANNY
So youre not disappointed that
were spending your birthday party
with a bunch of old people?
GLORIA
Its perfect, mi amor.
LILY
Come on, people! Theres probably
sugar free birthday cake in there!
CAMERON
Ive been trying to feed her kimchi
all day, so shes pretty excitable
at this point.
An old man drives up to the Great Room on his scooter as
everyone is walking in.
PHIL
Nice wheels! How many speeds you
got on that puppy?
He runs over Phils already injured foot.
PHIL (CONTD)
WHYYYYYYY!?
29.
INT. PLEASANT MEADOWS - GREAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
What do you say I go back to doing
the shopping and you go back to
being the amateur exterminator?
PHIL
Oh thank God. Those supermarket
grannies are cut-throat.
MANNY
(to Luke)
Were really lucky that Mr. Carter
let us off the hook so easily. Kids
in Columbia get stolen for pulling
stuff like this, you know.
INT. PLEASANT MEADOWS - GREAT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves with the residents.
GLORIA (V.O.)
Sometimes people let their age
define them. They get stuck in a
number, and stop trying new things,
or they do what they think theyre
supposed to.
ANGLE ON: Alex dancing with an old man.
GLORIA (V.O.)
I learned that sometimes all it
takes is a little encouragement...
ANGLE ON: Lily doing karate moves while Cameron and Mitchell
cheer her on.
GLORIA (V.O.)
and support...
ANGLE ON: Phil leaning on Claire and Luke for stability.
GLORIA (V.O.)
and that can make all the
difference.
Cameron reaches for a piece of cake. A woman behind the table
hands him a glass of milk, and he slaps it out of her hand.
30.
CAMERON
Im so sorry. Knee-jerk reaction.
(to the family)
Is everyone ready to go?
END OF SHOW
31.