Journal 9

Victoria Jensen
To be very fair with my assessment, I probably didn't learn much that I didn't already know
about myself. However, I did appreciate bein reminded of any thouhts, behaviors, and feelins that I
e!hibited because sometimes I choose to inore my faults and not really work on them. I notice their
e!istence, and say in my head, "#eah I should probably do somethin about that.$ However, if I only
ever think about it, nothin chanes, nothin is accomplished in makin me a better person with better
habits, or attitudes.
I know that I procrastinate, I know I make e!cuses for myself, and I know I'm e!tremely hard
on myself when it comes to rades or anythin related with school. I'm not sure I can ever forive
myself for my past performances either. %ll I can do is move on and strive to develop myself to be the
best possible student I could ever possibly be. I'm not there yet, I know for sure I'm not. &ut I am a lot
closer than I was last semeseter.
However I did learn a couple thins about myself, that I don't think I knew before. I learned that
I place less importance on schoolin than I did before. I don't know why. I was raised in a poor
household that placed a lot of importance on education. 'y parents constantly reminded us how lucky
we were and to utili(e every oppurtunity we could because .. in essence we could. )thers in the world
miht not be so lucky when it comes to education. #es I have to pay for it, but it's available to me. I
can access it and learn and row from it and become a succesful person. This year for some reason I
had lost the value of what I was doin in my mind, I became complacent and la(y. There was really no
e!cuse for it. #es there were outside influences that I could say, yes, these are at fault. &ut in hih
school I had much more oin on in my life, lots of hardships, and I still manaed to be e!tremely
succesful in education. *hy is it that I've lost that this year+ I reali(ed I didn't want to try anymore. I
was in a place where I didn't care if I lived or died ,I wasn't oin to commit suicide or anythin- but I
couldn't possibly care about what my rades were when I didn't even care about my life.
This semester specifically I have been tryin really desperately to chane my mindset, so far I
don't know how much proress I've made really. I really want to chane, I tried therapy and .oinin a
ym and a dance class to increase my likelihood of suceedin ,because of the increase of serotonin
throuh e!cercise levels makes you happier-. The middle of semester was really lookin up, I was on
the riht track with rades and I was involved a lot with dance, it ot me out of my mind a lot. &ut
then I don't know what happened but I draed a bit... then a lot. I needed to keep imporvin but I
started to slip aain. *hat really needs to happen is contactin my T%'s and professors, which I am
oin to do today actually. I am actually still doin well in most of my classes, e!cept physics. I'm
doin decent work in one of my enineerin classes, but every other class I'm lookin at ettin an %.

It really wouldnt take much work to et my rades up aain in physics or this other class. I .ust
need to take the initiative and try to et out of this funk aain. I've noticed that I'm an e!tremely ood
student when I try, but if I dont' even try to be a ood student... how can anythin really improve+ It
can't.
The one thin that is ettin done is ettin a physics tutor. That is happenin. %lso emails for
e!tra help, I'm at the tippin scale riht now, one bad move and I could be in the same place I was last
semester. Honestly, %/0 has only a sliht impact on any chanes in my behaviors. I am a self
motivated person usually, only when someone holds me accountable to I et motivation from other
places. It has, like I said in my interview thin, been a continual reminder of my motivation thouh. I
can't say that any of the activities really helped me, but definitely the thouhts every week that made
reevaluate what I was doin with my life. I want to look back at this time and say, "wow I struled,
but I made it throuh$ not, "That was the point where everythin started to o downhill$. It's scary but
motivatin. I know I can do it thouh. /ven writin it down here helps motivate me. I only see myself
oin up from here. The other possiblity is that I fail and that's not an option.
The successes I see in myself are stupendously reat. I know how reat of a student I am when I
really try to learn instead of .ust work. I have a lare capactiy for success I know I do, however I'm not
utili(in my talents. I'm wastin myself. I'm not a ood orani(ier I know that, but I have a really reat
memory, literally the best test takin skills in the world even if I barely know my material.
In hih school I would consistently et 122s in everythin that I did. It was .ust somethin that
came e!tremely easy to me. I fiured out last semester and this semester why I'm wastin myself
thouh. I don't do anythin. I don't study, or read, or o over anythin. I .ust don't care. 'y mind
doesn't even place importance on it3 I .ust can't understand this, because learnin is one of my favorite
thins in theworld. I en.oy school, I en.oy homework, I en.oy doin a problem and workin out how to
solve it, I even en.oy studyin. I like creatin methods for the most efficient way of learnin
somethin. &ut I think that depression .ust really messed my mind up. I can't find en.oyment in
livin so everythin else becomse tiny framented folders I shoved to the back of mind, locked in
cases that are weaved in a ma(e that I should be wanderin in, tryin to find it. The problem is I'm not
even lookin, I'm standin at the beinnin of the ma(e dawdlin with the door, not even sure I want
to open it. The thin is I know if I started lookin I would find it so easily, I know I'm a ood student.
I've been a ood student my whole life. It's really frustratin that I feel like this, I can recoini(e
everythin within myself. /very problem, every feelin I have, I know why I have it. I yell at myself
for feelin the way I do, its soooo incredibly frustratin. I can't even describe the incredible frstration I
have in myself. I wish I could .ust snap out of it.
0o I set up steps for myself, .ust et thouh these steps and I'll be fine. I'll check with my
professors and T%'s, I'll et a physics tutor. I'll plan obsessively with my time, fill it with school, and
activities. Honestly, I don't need down time to rela!, because I know I'll probably .ust et in a funk
aain. It won't help because I've tried it before. I'll attend every sinle last class until the end of
semester no matter how useless it is. ,I have ended up with the worst possible physics T% in the entire
class, every time I ask a 4uestion he doesn't understand my 4uestion and answers % different one.- The
point is I .ust need to et the ball rollin. If it .ust becomes habit, maybe I'll start to care aain.