Marriage Advice

On September 10, 2012 - by Sheikh Nuh

Print This!
[The following is an excerpt from the unpublished manuscript of a new revision of the manual of
the tariqa. It is copyright MMIX Nuh Ha Mim Keller, and may not be reproduced in any form
without written permission. Some has been drawn from traditional sources such as Imam Ghazali,
while some is new. It has been excerpted here from manuscript as a stop-gap to answer some
questions about marriage frequently received, and because the manual will take longer to finish
than peoples questions permit. May Allah help all through it.]
MARRIAGE
The importance of marriage to ones tariqa is plain from the tremendous impact of suhba or
companionship on the spiritual traveller. Every Muslim understands that a good marriage is a
sunna, help, and blessing to whomever Allah gives it. From the single decision of who should be
ones mate for life comes a great deal of ones future happiness or misery. In the path, few things
furnish a comparable touchstone of ones true taqwa and character.
Because of the dominance of powerful contemporary norms essentially alien to the fitra or true
nature of the sexes, a good marriage today is often something that must be striven for and
attained, rather than an event one can live happily ever after. To clarify the basics, we have
summarized below certain minimal conditions for disciples getting married, key points of Islamic
character, adab, rights, and duties from Imam Ghazali and others, and practical rules necessary in
our day to have a fulfilling Islamic marriage.
Minimal Conditions in a Spouse
A disciple may marry anyone they want, as long as the following conditions are met:
1. That the prospective spouse share ones own vision of Islam, and be religious, meaning that
they follow one of the four Sunni schools of jurisprudence, pray the five prayers, and if female,
cover correctly. They do all of this before ever hearing of marriage. Someone who doesnt pray
but comes from a good family is absolutely unacceptable, and one must not be pressured by
family members into marrying someone of this description. Ones children could end up in hell by
following their example.
2. That the prospective spouse agree that the household will be run according one of the four
Sunni schools of jurisprudence in all matters; if Hanafi, for example, that there be nothing
unlawful according to the school in any of the familys dealings.
3. That the prospective spouse know that one has a tariqa and sheikh and what this entails, knows
that one goes to the weekly dhikrs and yearly Suhbas, and that ones main interest is Allah. If the
person also has a tariqa, it must be an authentic one, meaning at minimum that the sheikh and
disciple know that the Sacred Law is above the sheikh, disciple, and everyone else.
4. That the husband be the man of the family. The way of the prophets, the Sufi sheikhs, and of
Islam, is that the man leads, supports, guides, and takes care of his wife and family. Allah says,
Men are keepers over women, because Allah has favored the one above the other, and because
they expend of their wealth: So righteous women are worshipful, faithfully guarding their honor
when their husbands are gone, as Allah has guarded them (Quran 4:34). A man does not throw
his weight around with meaningless orders, but is not the obsequious follower of the woman Allah
has made him keeper of. He rather asks Allah to guide him in his decisions, listens to what
wisdom his wife may offer, and then follows his best judgement, returning especially in the big
decisions to his own istikhara.
5. That the wife be the woman of the family. There is a lot of bad advice around today about
marriage that is far from any meaningful appreciation of mens and womens different natures. In
previous ages of Islamic history, there was no need to advise anyone about the roles of men and
women. But in our times, current cultural norms consider men and women interchangeable, forbid
men to be men, and few wives can look up to the sapless males the theories have created. The
present rules of behavior between men and women are merely adequate for how long most
marriages today last.
We advise ladies in the tariqa to read and apply Fascinating Womanhood, which contains the best
description of the akhlaq or proper way of handling oneself necessary for any woman who wants
her marriage to succeed. Some of its remarks about the bedroom and womens education are
inapplicable to an Islamic context, but these are easily distinguished from the rest, and everyone
who has followed the book has found that it works. Ladies find that once they start acting
femininely, their men are able to respond with a manly sense of loving and protecting a woman.
Women in the tariqa have also found a lot of benefit from The Surrendered Wife. A third work
is Happy Housewives, especially useful for women affected by modern corporate values, though
the authors diction is occasionally indelicate.
6. That the husband have a lawful income by which he can support a wife and free her from the
need to work, providing for her a bayt shari or home as guaranteed by Sacred Law, meaning her
own house or self-contained part of a house, which she runs, and has complete security in and
everything else she needs, according to the standard enjoyed in her fathers house. It means she
has an autonomous privacy not subject to her husbands family entering at will or meddling with
her. This said, an intelligent wife understands from the first that she cannot separate her husband
from his family, so uses diplomacy with her in- laws, to make them feel welcome in her house as
guests. If she doesnt get along with her in-laws or suffers harm from them, the husband can visit
them himself at their home. If a man in the tariqa wants to get married, he has to be able to
provide all this. Otherwise, the man must make plans for the future, with Allahs help. One need
not obey parents demands to marry if one is unable to provide a wife with these basic rights
guaranteed by Sacred Law, unless the wife knows that her living situation involves forgoing some
of these, and she completely accepts.
Anyone who marries someone meeting these six conditions marries with the sheikhs complete
blessing and best wishes, although there is baraka in seeking his permission. Among the most
important adab in the events leading directly up to the marriage are the following.
The Man Seeking a Wife
The qualities praised by the sunna in a prospective wife are that she be religious, intelligent,
amiable and well-mannered, fertile (as inferable from her mother or female relatives), from a good
family, a virgin, pleasing in appearance, undesirous of an exorbitant marriage payment, and not a
close family relative.
When seeking to marry a woman, the prospective suitor should make his intention for Allah, then
send someone, preferably a family member, to her family to ask for a chaperoned meeting with
her. The messenger should be someone who will honestly tell them how he is. He should inquire
about the prospective bride from a religious and reliable informant, and not
for example someone who bears malicious tales (namima) between people. Women are better to
send, as they normally notice details more closely than men, and can meet with her and her female
family members. He should ask about her religiousness; her diligence in prayer and fasting; her
shyness, reserve, and modesty; her personal cleanliness; her chasteness of speech; whether she
stays at home; and how well she respects her parents. He should ask about the character of her
father, and about her mothers behavior, religion, and works.
It is a key sunna to then personally meet with the woman, to sit and talk with her as many times as
it takes to make up his mind about marriage. The man and woman should make sure they
communicate well, are comfortable with and like each other, and are on the same page in their
religion. The man should not admire in the woman qualities admirable only in a man. It is better to
avoid the student type whose mother has served her all her life with every conceivable labor at
home to free her to study, hence never learned common sense, how to work, cook, clean, run a
house, take care of children, or make a home comfortable. Nor should a prospective spouse come
from a dysfunctional family, broken home, or household dominated by an aggressive mother. If a
family seems a bit off, it usually is. If the prospective bride has debts, he must think of how they
will be paid off. He should pray istikhara a few times after learning what he can about her.
The Woman Receiving a Marriage Proposal
Much of the preceding advice may be equally given to the woman whose hand is sought in
marriage. She should send a reliable informant to ask about the mans madhhab, his religiousness,
his taqwa, tenets of faith, personal manliness and respectability, and whether he is true to his
word. She should ask about his family and relatives, his group affiliations, who visits him, how
diligently he keeps the prayer, and his uprightness and goodness at work.
The man should be financially responsible and have successfully held down a job for some time
working, preferably for someone besides his father. A husband has to know how to work. The
man should be religious, not high-handed, arrogant, sinful, or have heretical views. He should not
be spoiled, meaning self-centered, quick to anger, and in need of instant gratification of his
whims. A mamas boy should be shunned. In our times, he should be free of addictions, meaning
not only to illicit substances, but to pornography, gaming, blogging, endless surfing online,
restauranting, the entertainment industry, adrenaline, and to the host of vices purveyed by the
Internet to the profit of a few and ruin of many. Addictions destroy marriages. She should not
hope to rehabilitate the man, but realize that what you see is what you get.
She should want him for his religion rather than his wealth, and the way he conducts his life rather
than his fame. She should resolve to live with him in contentment with their means and to obey his
commands, for that ensures affection and love.
One sin that often brings unlooked-for misfortune in marriage is revealing sins to another. In
Islam to mention past sins is itself a sin. Allah has commanded us to hide all acts of disobedience,
except when it would lead to actual harm to another. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him
peace) has said, Whoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults in this
world and the next (Muslim [00], 4.2074: 2699. S). This includes ones own sins; and whether
from ones spouse, prospective spouse, or anyone else. It includes previous illicit sex, which is
haram to mention and obligatory to conceal, even by deception if necessary. The Prophet (Allah
bless him and give him peace) said:
All of my Umma shall be forgiven, except those who commit iniquities openly. Verily, open
indecency includes a man committing an act by night, and then in the morning when Allah has
concealed what he did, saying, O So-and-so, last night I did such and such. He spent the night
with his Lord having concealed what he did; and when morning came, he pulled aside the veil of
Allah (Bukhari [00], 8.24: 6069. S).
Imam Nawawi mentions this hadith under the rubric of the prohibition of pulling aside the cover
from ones sins (Sharh Muslim [00], 18.119). How many a person was unable to resist telling a
friend or a spouse of the wickedness they did in their former life, and Allah requited them with
contempt in the others heart that could never be erased, because there is no baraka in the haram.
All of which refers to sins now finished, as opposed to ongoing habitual problems such as
addictions, which the person asked about must truthfully disclose to a prospective marriage
partner, since, like defects in a spouse that permit annulment of marriage, addictions ruin
marriages, and the partner must know about them in advance to reach an informed decision.
The Wedding
When a man decides to marry a woman, they should keep the interval between the signing of the
contract and the wedding day as brief as possible, certainly not more than a space of months. At
the wedding, he does not kiss the bride in front of her family. The groom should be manly and
firm, and not allow unreligious family members to plan anything at the wedding or reception that
will take away the marriages tawfiq, anger Allah, or shame them on the Last Day, such as music,
alcohol, mixing of the sexes, wasteful extravagance, or other matters taken for granted by many
today. The groom should simply tell everyone he refuses to come to such a wedding. They are
unlikely to have it without him.
Family Rights and Roles
Abul Hasan al-Shadhili related from his sheikh Abd al-Salam ibn Mashish that he said:
There are two ill deeds that a great many good deeds seldom have any benefit with: bitterness over
Allahs destining, and wronging Allahs servants. And there are two good deeds that a great many
ill deeds seldom do any harm with: acceptance of Allahs destining, and fully forgiving Allahs
servants (Durra al-asrar (c00), 88).
Few things cause such bitterness and wrong as disregarding the rights of family. A murid who
wants to be close to Allah must observe the rights, duties, and adab of dealing with family
members.
The Husband
A man should be his wifes friend, pleasant and courteous in speech, show her love and affection,
and be relaxed and informal when they are alone. He should overlook occasional missteps, forgive
mistakes, defend her honor, seldom argue with her, honor her family, continually promise her the
best, and have the manly jealousy to keep matters between her and other men from exceeding
permissible limits.
He should be calm and chivalrous with his wife, well-mannered, patient, and tender, and know
how to dispel tensions and arguments with jokes, ridiculous asides, and amorous liberties. He
doesnt have to prove he is tough, but should always mean what he says. and not humor his wifes
whims or be so soft-hearted or indulgent that he worsens her character and turns her a
domineering tyrant. If she has no adab or respect for him, he should send her back to her family
until she wants to be a wife. Whenever he sees something ethically wrong, he should be grave and
critical. He should be moderate and fair, buying her gifts and flowers, paying admiring
compliments, and spending ungrudgingly on her necessities. He is neither stingy, nor wastefully
lavish in buying things of little enjoyment or benefit. He should leave the house to work during
the day, even if wealthy, because it is difficult for a wife to respect a husband who hangs around
the house.
If a man has two wives, he should be strictly equitable in time, attention, and advantages to both,
and not let one bully or enamor him into being unfair to the other. With Imam Shafii and all of
our sheikhs I regard such equity as so difficult for most people to manage that marriage to more
than one wife is religiously superior not to do (khilaf al-awla) under ordinary circumstances.
Shafiis position is borne out by the word of Allah You shall never be able to be completely fair
between wives, however much you want to; So do not incline so wholly towards one that you
leave the other one hanging; And if you set matters right, and prevent unfairness, verily Allah is
oft-forgiving, all-compassionate (Quran 4:129).
As a Muslim man, a husband should be clean in dress, make frequent use of the breath-freshening
tooth-stick (siwak), and wear clothes neither intended to draw attention nor yet mean and sordid.
He does not keep his hem low out of pride or high to appear ascetic. He attends the Friday prayer,
always prays in a group, and does much dhikr and worship. He does not gawk around him while
walking, look at other women than his wife, sit on the doorstep of his house with neighbors, or
talk much with his friends about his wife and what takes place in his home.
The Wife
A woman should be her husbands friend, while keeping a respectful shyness towards him,
avoiding arguing with him, obeying his word in everything lawful. She should hold her peace
when he speaks, keep his honor when he is away, and not treacherously take his property. She
should smell pleasant, care well for her teeth and clothes, be content with her standard of living,
be tender and loving, and keep up her appearance. She should honor his family and relatives, be
appreciative for him, accept his deeds with gratitude, and show him her happiness when she sees
him. She should give her husband first priority and attention rather than her children.
Otherwise, husbands eventually get tired of being ignored, spend increasingly long hours away
from home, and begin talking about divorce or getting a second wife.
As a Muslim woman, she should prefer to be in her own home, taking care of her house and
children, making sure that both are clean and orderly. She should learn her religion to properly
practice it and raise her children Islamically. Her ambition should lie in perfecting herself. She
should faithfully perform her prayer and fasting, study her own faults, and think of her religion.
She should speak little, not waste time on pointless conversations, and lower her gaze. She should
be vigilant of her Lord, make much dhikr, encourage her husband to seek and earn the halal, and
not ask for many gifts from him. She should be shy and modest, neither harsh or coarse in word,
have fortitude, be thankful, prefer others to herself, and be generous with herself and her effort. If
a friend of her husband calls when he is not at home, she does not admit him, seek to understand
his purpose, or speak with him at lengthout of jealousy for her honor and that of her husband.
Parents
When children are born, parents should remember that their children do not belong to them, but to
Allah, who has reposited them with them as a trust, to raise to be good Muslims who will gain
eternal happiness. Parents love for their children should be unconditional and not based on their
attainments, but their rules for them should be equally unconditional: plain, unsubject to change,
and enforced with unvarying discipline.
Parents should help their children be kind and respectful to them by not being harsh, bullying,
obsessed with achievement, or imposing more on them than they can bear. The Prophet (Allah
bless him and give him peace) said, Whoever harms, Allah harms; and whoever makes hardship
for another, Allah make hardship for him (Mustadrak (c00), 2.58. S). Parents should raise their
children for Allah and the childrens benefit, not merely their own.
Parents should not favor one child above others. Gifts, praise, and attention should be equal
between all. Parents should not compare children with one another within their hearing to the
favor of one and disadvantage of the other. Father and mother should never fight or argue in front
of the children. Parents should never throw temper tantrums or use harmful violence against
family members, for these are transmitted from
generation to generation by the bad example of parents, and predecessors bear the sin of all those
who follow them therein.
A father must be around to show his children by precept and example what a man is. Children
raised without a man in the house are greatly disadvantaged. A father should not spend night after
night out with the boys away from his family, but realize they are trust from Allah, and that
children do not raise themselves.
It is not permissible, but a crime against a child to spoil it. If the child learns hardiness, self-
sacrifice, and patience, it will have the emotional means to succeed in life. The child who is the
center of his parents doting seldom turns out to be good for anything else. If parents see that their
children share things with others, do not throw tantrums, sit quietly when told to, respect elders,
and obey their father and motherin a word, have good characterthey should thank Allah for
the tawfiq. But if their children are badly behaved and selfish, parents should realize they are not
succeeding, and have the humility to ask parents of well-behaved children what they do.
Neglecting discipline is equally neglect; and over- indulged children, like other victims of neglect,
grow up unable to hold down a job, succeed in marriage, or live normal lives. How many a parent
gave their child everything it wanted, counting on its eternal gratitude, only to find that their ill-
bred child later had no use for them; while those who raised their child with discipline for Allah
found their efforts well repaid.
Children
A child, even when grown up, should heed his parents, rise when they stand, and obey their
commands in everything halal that does not cause harm to himself or his wife or children. He
should respond to their invitations, and not exasperate them with insistence or remind them of any
kindness or matter he has taken care of for them. He should not regard them dismissively, or
refuse their behest. He should provide generously for them when in need, and in their infirmity of
years, he should lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy (Quran 17:24).
To summarize, a good marriage is for Allah. He shows His favor to such a marriage by tawfiq,
harmony, and happiness between family members. The sign of tawfiq is good character. Dhul Nun
was asked, Who among men is the most plagued with hardship? and he answered, The worst of
them in character (akhlaq). When then asked, What is the mark of bad character? He replied,
Always disagreeing.
I was once visiting Sheikh Nuh al-Qudah at his home in Zarqa in the 1980s, when a man came in
and spoke of the long conflicts of someone elses marriage. The sheikh listened and finally
remarked, Thus do We consign wrongdoers to one another, for that which they would earn
[Quran 6:129].
Because of its many challenges, some sheikhs of the path have preferred a disciple wait to marry
until he has achieved a sound footing in the tariqa for a few years, meaning that taqwa and Iman
have become his mode of thinking. New converts to Islam too, who often hear well-meant advice
from ethnic Muslims about promptly getting wed, should practice and adjust to their religion for a
year or two before taking on the additional challenges of marriage. If one is single and suffers
from temptation, one may request the Settling Ones Grounds program from the sheikh.