Series 2 Episode 03 The Barbarian Sublimation

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.
Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axels fortress. Now
this is a long run, so lets do another bladder check. Alright Barry, well wait for you again, but you
really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.)Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny
having trouble getting into her apartment.)Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny: Yes, I cant get my stupid door open.
Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?
Penny: Yeah!
Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the
floor spilling groceries.)
Penny: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.
Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I cant get the damned key out.
Sheldon: Well thats not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted
cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.
Penny: Thankyou, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Youre welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? Ill tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I
waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the
part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples
who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure.
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now,
and I havent got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, havent gotten a raise at work,
havent even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my
mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, theyre almost pure protein.
Penny (picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries
fall to the floor again): Oh, sonofabitch!
Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the
bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open
the door for you.
Penny: I did, and he said hell get here when he gets here.
Sheldon: And youre frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts
into tears.)
Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny: No Sheldon, Id rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.
Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.)
Penny: For Gods sake! (Stomps into apartment.)
Sheldon: Just when I think Ive gotten the hang of sarcasm.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Inside the apartment.
Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldons place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa.
Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces
headset.) Sheldor is back online.
Penny: Sheldor?
Sheldon: The Conqueror.
Penny: What are you doing?
Sheldon: AFK. Im playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E.
Howards Conan the Barbarian.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.
Penny: Whats AFK?
Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: OIC.
Sheldon: What does that stand for?
Penny: Oh, I see?
Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of
ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.
Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.
Penny: Oh, I dont know. Can I see them in another colour?
Sheldon: Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.
Leonard: Whats going on?
Penny: Leonard, guess what, Im a level three warrior.
Leonard: Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny: Yeah yeah yeah, shhh!
Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and its starting to attract wildlife.
Penny: Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?
Sheldon: It doesnt matter, right now youre looking for treasure.
Penny: Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?
Sheldon: Youre okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.
Leonard: Want to catch me up?
Sheldon: Well lets see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face
is overly Midwestern, um, she hasnt had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?
Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, Im rich!
Sheldon: Level three and she thinks shes rich! What a noob.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in
cling film.
Raj: Okay, were all set.
Howard: Let her rip.
(Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing
on the speaker.)
Penny (entering, carrying a laptop): Hi!
Leonard: Hey, check it out, its just corn starch and water.
Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action
of the speaker.
Howard: Thats what makes it get all funky.
Penny: Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, thats what she said, Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, look, I bought the game, and Ive been exploring the Island of Tordage but I cant figure
out how to get past the guard captain.
Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?
Penny: No, no, Ive a bronze dagger.
Sheldon: You cant slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord its like the car key in your
apartment door all over again.
Penny: Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?
Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?
Penny: Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?
Sheldon: No, no, no, its oh for Gods sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)
Penny: Thank you, I really appreciate this.
Sheldon: Youre going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.
Penny: Dont patronise me, just get the sword.
Howard: What the frak?
Leonard: Beats me. They were playing all last night too.
Raj: Its like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?
Leonard: No, thats Marcie. Peppermint Pattys just athletic.
Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.
Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).
Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.
Scene: Sheldons bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.
Penny (whispering): Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.
Penny: No danger, look, its just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp,
right?
Sheldon: Youre in my bedroom.
Penny: Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon: People cant be in my bedroom.
Penny: Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon: Im not wearing pyjama bottoms.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, wear different pyjamas.
Sheldon: I cant wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in
my bedroom.
Penny: Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?
Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, Im just not sure its the right move for my character.
Sheldon: Of course its not, youre only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon
fodder.
Penny: Really? Boy, youd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians.
Cut to Leonard, exiting his bedroom.
Sheldon (off): Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep.
Penny (off): Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, dont got
in Sheldons room, hes not wearing bottoms.
Leonard (knocking on door): Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
Scene: Dr Gablehausers office. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk.
Gablehauser: People, I am very busy today.
Sheldon: I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all
inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of
inter-departmental disputes.
Gablehauser: Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time?
Leslie: Dr Dumbass.
Gablehauser: Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises.
Sheldon: No she doesnt.
Leslie: No I dont.
Sheldon: Heres the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr
Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
Leslie: It wasnt even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in
every slot for the next six months.
Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing
sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!
Gablehauser: You need to get that Dr Cooper?
Sheldon: God, no.
Leslie: Well dont turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know
youve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldnt even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of
important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All shes doing is reducing irrelevant data
and making a mock
Gablehauser (as phone rings): Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon)Its for you.
Sheldon: Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, youre not prepared for the Sanctum of
Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35
healer. Penny, I cant log on and help you. Well talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) Im not
getting the computing time, am I?
Leslie: Dumbass.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, shes
interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, Im sure shed be
interfering with that too.
Leonard: Why should I do something, youre the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but youre the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If youd simply
restrained yourself none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why dont you just tell her to leave you alone.
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook
status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I dont know what else to do.
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Sheldon: I dont know, but if you dont figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult
to live with.
Leonard: You mean, up until now weve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Ill go talk to her.
Scene: Pennys apartment. She is on her laptop and talking into a headset.
Penny: No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I dont know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie!
Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey Penny.
Penny: Busy.
Leonard: Yeah, I see that. Shouldnt you be at work?
Penny: I dont work on Mondays.
Leonard: Its Thursday. Listen, Penny.
Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard: Okay, um, heres the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start
playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of,
addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, Im about to level up here.
Leonard: Well, i-i-i-its just if a person doesnt have a sense of achievement in their real life its easy
to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelopes back online.
Leonard: Penny, youve got cheetos in your hair.
Penny (pulling cheeto out of hair): Oh, thanks. (Eats it.)
Leonard: Wow.
Scene: Same later. Penny is attacking a multi-headed monster with a sword on the screen.A
muscular warrior in a cape walks onto the screen.
Warrior: Hey Penny, its me again, Leonard.
Penny- warrior: Leonard, I said not now.
Leonard-warrior: Yeah, I know, Im just a little concerned about you.
Penny-warrior: I said not now. (Chops off his head.)
Leonard-warriors head: Okay, maybe later.
Scene: The university lunch room.
Raj: Hey guys.
Leonard and Howard: Hey.
Raj (indicating Sheldon): Hey, whats with him?
Leonard: Pennys been keeping him up at night.
Howard: Me too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard: Shes gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, shes playing non-stop.
Raj: Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. Theres nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey
on your back.
Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.
Leslie (arriving): Afternoon men. Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult
males. oh, Im too tired to do this.
Leslie: Right, I heard youve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.
Sheldon: She comes into my room. No-ones supposed to be in my room.
Leslie: Well, I would postulate that shes escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual
frustration.
Howard: I do that too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard: Thats not what shes doing, Leslie, shes just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has
nothing to do with sex.
Leslie: Everything has to do with sex.
Howard: Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.)
Leslie: Im not touching that.
Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here.
Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that
matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and
general sluttiness.
Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
Howard: Ill take the bullet.
Leonard: Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, Im going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on
a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Man: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to be?
Man: Uh, sure, why not?
Leonard: Sheldon
Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?
Man: Uh (checks out Sheldons package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldons
hand.)
Sheldon: There, problem solved.
Leslie: Dumbass.
Scene: Pennys flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food
packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.
Penny: Okay, Im at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, Im going in.
Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: I must say, youre playing very well for a woman of 23?
Penny: 22.
Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)
Penny: Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?
Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?
Penny: I dumped them, theyre a bunch of wussies.
Sheldon: Frenzy stance.
Penny: Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!
Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or
staying at home curled up with a good book?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: These are market research questions. Im filling out the online registration for your game.
Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isnt working, die you undead mummy, die!
Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Youre welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5
being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny: Thats on the registration?
Sheldon: Oh yes, its quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75
additional quests.
Penny: Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate Im a big old five.
Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters. There is a strange man sitting on the sofa.
Leonard: Hello.
Man: Hi.
Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.
Leonard: Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didnt I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been
chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.
Leonard: Chosen by science?
Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it
may well be hokum.
Leonard: You got Penny to sign up for online dating?
Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.
Leonard: This is bad.
Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but hes going to med school at night, uh, he
likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.
Leonard: Really, really bad.
Sheldon: Im surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently shes a big old five.
Penny (entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed): Sheldon, what do you
want.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, Id like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom,
may I present Penny.
Tom: Hi Penny.
Penny: Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as Im here, Im on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they dont know
what theyre doing, weve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.
Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.
Penny: No, no, no, no, I need you now.
Sheldon: But wouldnt you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.
Penny: Whatever, Ill figure it out myself.
Tom: Bye, Penny. Im sorry, dude, she didnt look anything like her picture.
Leonard: They never do.
Scene: Inside the game. Penny-warrior is standing next to a battle horse.
Warrior: Hello, fair Penny.
Penny-warrior: Who are you?
Warrior: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing,
followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny-warrior: Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny: Oh my God, I need help. (Closes laptop and throws it away.)