Gasonga Jokes November 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Gasonga Jokes

November 2003 – Issue 21

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Version date: November 2003

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

Bestsellers for Sex from Amazon.com

Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams
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The Girlfriends' Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood: Wise and Witty Advice on Everything from Coping With Postpartum Mood Swings to
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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

The newlyweds

Two newlyweds are suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor
advises, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of
marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex
life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and
Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty
following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride
found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial
wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked,
"What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."

The newlyweds 2

"Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you
think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course," replies his wife. "But what are you going to live on?"

Change

"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are
really, really poor?"
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"

Gash

A man wakes up after some special tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone
by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from the
lab. I'm sorry to report that you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as
G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhoea, AIDS, SARS, and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you in isolation and give you a strict diet of pizza, pancakes,
quesadillas, and pita bread," says t he doctor matteroffactly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Did you hear about the student that asked his tutor for an opinion on new mathematics?
His tutor replied, “O it has its plusses and minuses.”

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

Cheeky chat up lines

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."

Woman: "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

Man: (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Man: Nice legs...what time do they open?

Man: Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

Man: You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Man: Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Man: I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Man: I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen
one?

Man: I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Man: Want to play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell out of me.

Man: I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long
for a quarter.

Man: I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Man: Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

Man: You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man: You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

Man: I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you
do with your tongue.

Man: If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

Man: You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

Man: You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Man: Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

Man: Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

Man: My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Man: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

I’m so Tired

A guy comes home dead tired from working a twelvehour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to
you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

Doctors

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them
agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was
right."

Junior

Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife
suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behaviour?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

Two Lesbian frogs

Two Lesbian frogs have just had a hot sex session and are sitting next to each other on
a pond leaf. One frog turns to her friend and says,
“Their right you know, we do taste like chicken!”

Moving

Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"

Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the
condition in which I found it."

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

What’s that?

A bloke is walking down the street pulling a cabbage along on the end of a string.
"What's that?" says his mate.
"It's me dog".
"That's not a dog it's a cabbage!" exclaims his pal.
"O what", says the bloke, "the man in the pet shop said it was a cauli."

Later on, the same bloke is just pulling the string down the street.
"Why are you pulling that string along asks his mate?"
Bloke replies, "Well, I tried push it but it's impossible."

Vegas problems

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.
The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men
went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I
haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time
we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard',
and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the
whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dick and an butt full of
quarters!

What was that for?

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper and his wife walked up behind him and
whacked him on the head with a shoe.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on
it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I
bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching TV again when she walked up and hit him in the head
again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he
asked, "What the heck was that for?"
The wife answered, "Your horse called."

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

What kind of girl

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being
too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then
another.
After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good
time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks,
you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

Genie

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork stuck in his
ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was
a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said,
"I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grantum you one wish."
And I said, “No shit.”

The string

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe whose men all
had penises 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other
end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down
at him and said,
"What do you say we try the African string and weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our tribal experiment coming?"
"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.
"You've grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

Blondes in space

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde are talking one day.

The Russian says, "You know, we were the first in space!"
The American says, "Well, we were the first on the moon!"
To which the blonde replies, "That’s nothing, Blondes are going to be the first on the
sun!" The Russian and the American looks at each other and smile.
"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!" says the Russian.
The Blonde replies, "Duh! We're not stupid! We're going when it’s night time!"

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

Teenage double standards

A teenage girl comes downstairs after getting ready for a date. She’s wearing a see
through blouse and has no bra on. Her grandmother says,
“You shouldn’t go out like that!”
“Loosen up Granny,” replies the teenager. “These are modern times and you’ve got to let
your rose buds show!”
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and granny is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die of embarrassment and says, “I’ve got friends coming over,
and you being topless is really not appropriate.”
Granny replies, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can
display my hanging baskets.”

Q: What's another name for Wife Swapping?

A: Four-Play

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas
married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

The Sunday School Teacher asks little Johnny, "Now, tell me honestly do you say
prayers before eating?"
"No sir," replies Little Johnny, "I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!"

Little Johnny at Sunday school

A teacher asks her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories.
But when she looks at some of the work she a little puzzled. One Picture shows four
people on an airplane. So she asks little Johnny,
“What story is your picture of?”
“The flight to Egypt,” replies Johnny. "I see. And that must be Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
But who’s the fourth person?"
“Oh,” replies Johnny, “that’s Pontius - the Pilot!”

Who enjoys it more?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with sex?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear
itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better-your ear or your finger?"

Q: What do you call an empty square sized birdcage?

A: A polygon.

Q: What do you call a parrot with no seed?

A: A Polynomial

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Gasonga Jokes November 2003

Q: What do you call a German with a sense of Humour?

A: Herr Larious

“Knock, Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Ve Vill ask Ze Questions!”

Q: What’s the difference between E.T. and a Man?

A: E.T. phoned home!

Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?

A: Two mother in Laws

A Beggar walks up to a well dressed city woman and says,

“I haven’t eaten anything for four days.”
She looks at him and replies,
“I admire your will power.”

Did you hear about the man that put a small ad in the paper looking for a wife?
He got hundreds of letters all from blokes saying, “You can have mine.”

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Never mind that what is she doing out of the kitchen?

End

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