The Deschooling Convivium

Handbook for Leaders

compiled by Charles Eisenstein
What is a Deschooling Convivium?
A Deschooling Convivium is a regular gathering of students and sometimes faculty and former
students! "hich includes pretty much everybody# dedicated to undoing the habits of the classroom$
And "hat are the habits of the classroom? Here is a partial list%
Looking to an outside authority teacher!
book# for ans"ers$
Looking to an outside authority for
&uestions$
Having assignments
'eing graded
'eing e(amined
Wanting to be right
E(pecting re"ards for being right
)elf*censorship
)itting in ro"s
'eing passive
Wanting to be told "hat to do
Automatic opposition to and distrust of all
authority
+retending to care
Doing things ,good enough, and no better
)taying in the head
'eing ob-ective
+laying it safe
)coring points
.ot being real
'eing academic
.ot sho"ing real feelings
.ot letting yourself be vulnerable
Competition
/aising your hand
)eeking approval
Learning by being ,taught,
The habits of the classroom might be appropriate in certain circumstances0for instance! in a
classroom$ The problem is that these habits become so ingrained that they become a "ay of life that
infects our relationships! our learning! and our "hole approach to life$
1or e(ample! have you ever kno"n a professor "ho tends to ,lecture, even "hen he2s not in a
classroom? Have you ever found yourself craving step*by*step instructions on ho" to accomplish
something in life! not sure ho" to even begin figuring it out for yourself? Have you become
uncomfortable or irresponsible in situations "here it is unclear e(actly "hat is e(pected of you? 3n the
classroom "e are typically granted very little freedom0has that become a habit too! so that you are
unused to freedom or even a little bit afraid of it? Do you find yourself often afraid to speak up! for fear
of saying something ,"rong,? Are you so used to being told "hat to do! doing your assignments! that
you aren2t sure "hat you really "ant to do "ith your life? Are you such a stranger to your passion in
life that you assume you must be la4y? Do you feel that you are not really living your o"n life! and
instead living a life structured by other people2s e(pectations?
Apathy! sullenness! and resentment! you see! are a normal response to being coerced into doing that
"hich "e don2t truly "ant to do$ And this history runs so deep and it includes almost all of us$ Ho"
many fourth graders actually "ant to learn long division and the state capitals and 5asco de 6ama and
the presidents? 3f your favorite sub-ects "ere recess and lunch!! then you kno" you "eren2t doing "hat
you "anted to$ The apathy of the schoolchild is a natural response0even a noble response0to the
ordeal of the classroom$ 'ut then that apathy too becomes a habit! and "e float through life
maintaining a cynical distance from the "orld! un"illing to commit fully to anything or anyone$ We
become cynical! indifferent! or blindly rebellious$
About Deschooling Convivium Activities
7ne of the most to(ic hidden lessons of school is that learning is hard$ The reason it seems hard is that
school makes it hard! "hich in turns renders us dependent and reliant on teachers e(perts! and other
authorities$ And ho" is learning made hard? 3t is made hard by being forced on us$ 8ou see! anything is
hard if "e don2t "ant to do it! because then "e are struggling against ourselves$ When "e are really
interested in something! learning comes easy$ )o you can see that "hen "e become apathetic!
everything seems hard and "e shy a"ay from challenges! find the easy "ay! become slackers! and lose
our innate sense of self*confidence$ Actually! learning is easy$
The challenge in the enterprise of deschooling is to break free of those habits of indifference! playing it
safe! cynicism! and non*commitment$ Deschooling doesn2t happen by sitting around talking about it$
Deschooling is about transformation0the shedding of an old "ay of being in favor of a ne"$ 3t is not
that the old disappears! it is -ust that unconscious behaivior patterns become conscious! so that "e are
no longer slaves to them$ And this too is not hard9 3t is scary though$ The main barrier to deschooling is
fear$ We stay in our comfort 4one and are afraid to enter ne" territory$ And if you think about it! you
may find that this cautiousness is also a result of our schooling$#
Without a firm intention going into a Deschooling Convivium! it is possible that no one "ill leave their
comfort 4one! and it "ill be no different from any other student gathering$ The conversation "ill
devolve into superficial topics that don2t touch anything real in anyone$ Everyone "ill be presenting
and upholding their usual persona! not being real! playing it safe! not opening! not trusting$
With this in mind! ho"ever! "e can say that almost any activity is suitable for a Deschooling
Convivium$ Each leader "ill have different strengths! and no t"o conviviums "ill ever be alike$ There
is no ,curriculum, for a Deschooling Convivium9 The Deschooling Convivium is an organic entity that
gro"s and adapts over time$ The Deschooling Convivium you e(perienced as a participant may be very
different from the one you e(perience as a leader$ 3n fact the "hole idea of faithfully replicating a
curriculum! of administering a program created by someone else! is contrary to the spirit of the
Deschooling Convivium$ 3 encourage you to make it your o"n$ E(perience freedom$ 3f you try to do it
the same "ay as you e(perienced it! and try to ,be, "hoever it "as that led it! you "ill only end up as
an inferior version of that leader$ 3f you make it yours and be yourself! you "ill be a"esome even "hen
you make mistakes! because no one in the "orld is better at being you than you are$ 8ou! in your
fullness$ /eally! the only "ay it ,"on2t "ork, is if you do not hold the intention of the Deschooling
Convivium and let it deteriorate into a bull session! chatting about all the usual stuff$
TheDeschooling Convivium "ill be different from any other student club or informal gathering of
friends$ Whether as participant or leader you "ill elarn ne" things about yourself and become
comfortable "ith a "ay of being that is more effective! more authentic! and more free than "hat is
ordinary$ )o in contrast to the habits of schooling! the Deschooling Convivium fosters%
)elf*confidence
Autonomy
Honesty
Cooperation
Leadership
Listening
Trust
Acceptance of others
.on*-udgmentality
)pontaneity
1earlessness
3ndependence
3nterdependence
:indfulness
3magination
3ntegrity
Commitment
Some Ground Rules
'efore 3 describe some of the activities that "orked "ill in our Convivium! 3 "ill offer some general
principles for creating a space "here all of this can happen$ .one of the activities "ill be effective
"ithout an atmosphere of comfort! acceptance! and trust$ These "ill gro" over time of course! and "ill
gro" even faster in the conte(t of some important ground rules%
;$ Anyone is free to opt out of any activity he or she feels uncomfortable "ith$ He<she then takes
the role of a silent "itness$ There is no stigma attached to this choice$ We fully trust in each
person2s "isdom to kno" "hen it is time to take the ne(t courageous step$ We remind each
other that "e all have our o"n uni&ue fears and limitations0"hat may be trivial for one person
could be huge for someone else$ We provide a space for people to unfold according to their o"n
inner timing! "hich "e recogni4e as perfect$
=$ We maintain confidentiality "ithout secrecy$ Anything someone shares in the Deschooling
Convivium remains in that sacred space and "e don2t share it outside the group$ At the same
time! nothing "e do is secret$ We are completely open about everything "e do$ All of our
activities are public kno"ledge and may be publicly shared$
>$ The membership of a Deschooling Convivium stays constant over the entire ?*;= "eek
duration$ We do not bring in guests or add ne" members half"ay through$ At least! that is my
suggestion$ The reason is that trust builds "ith familiarity! and the learning and personal
breakthroughs tend to be cumulative$ Each session builds on all that "ent before it$ 3t is best if
people don2t -oin half"ay through$
@$ The Deschooling Convivium has leadership "ithout hierarchy$ The leader or leaders never
attempt to coerce! command! pressure! or control$ They do not seek to establish their authority$
They do not try to e(act promises from participants or enforce promises or ,hold people
accountable$, That "ould be a school model$ We trust in people2s higher accountability! to
themselves$
A$ .o money is e(changed for a Deschooling Convivium$ There is no tuition and the leaders are
not paid$ The only e(ception is to e&ually share the cost of the venue rental! or other direct
e(penses such as if you rent a van to go some"here$
B$ .o academic credits are involved in a Deschooling Convivium$ The motivation for participating
comes entirely from "ithin$
C$ 3 feel it is very important for the leader not to e(change se(ual or romantic energy "ith any of
the participants$ 3t may or may not be helpful to declare this intention to the group$ Even if you
do not declare it out loud! set that intention to yourself$ 3t "ill enhance the atmosphere of trust$
Attendance
7ne of the habits of the classroom "e have identified is indifference! "hich arises from the common
recognition that "hat happens in a classroom doesn2t really matter$ Even though a teacher may employ
persuasion and threats to make students behave as if it mattered! the very setup of school sends the
opposite message$ 1or e(ample! no matter "hat you are doing! "hen the bell rings you start doing
something else! s"itching abruptly to another sub-ect$ What really matters more than "hatever you are
doing is the schedule! the clock$ The e(treme disconnection among school sub-ects furthers the sense
that none of it relates! none of it matters$ And then once the test is over! you rarely need to apply it ever
again$ 8ou might read :acbeth and have to kno" some things about it! but it "on2t be part of your life
after that unit is over$
Another source of indifference stems from the hierarchical model of kno"ledge dispensation$ 3t does
not matter if student A or student ' is missing that day! because all kno"ledge comes from the teacher
or the book$ The other people in the class are not really essential to the stated purpose of the classroom$
8ou could be alone there! or in a different classroom in a different city! and still get the same material$
)tandardi4ed curricula administered by standardi4ed teachers in standardi4ed classrooms to
standardi4ed students ensures that it doesn2t matter "ho else comes to class$ 3t stands to reason that it
doesn2t matter to anyone else "hether you come to class either$ 3f you are absent! the class bree4ily
proceeds "ithout you$ 3f you are late! it starts "ithout you$ 8ou have no responsibility to"ard your
classmates to be there$ Why should it matter0they2ll still get the lesson$ 3t is everyone for themselves$
Without interdependency! there is no community but instead competition$
3n a Deschooling Convivium this is one of the habits "e seek to undo$ We consider ourselves a
community and "e kno" that because "e generate the Deschooling Convivium ourselves! the absence
of any participant diminishes the po"er of the gathering$ 3n other "ords! you matter$ We keep a list of
cellphone numbers and if someone hasn2t arrived by the starting time! "e are concerned and "e give
them a call$ 3f "e kno" beforehand that "e can2t make it that evening! "e send out an email so that our
friends "on2t "orry! and so the leader can plan for the activities$ 3n short! "e treat the Deschooling
Convivium as if it mattered$ We undo the habit of cynicism that "e have so rightly cultivated in the
conte(t of the vast pretense of forced schooling$ We meet a deep longing to do something "e actually
care about! and to commit to something bigger than ourselves$
At the same time! "e don2t put any pressure on any participant to attend$ 3f someone says they "on2t be
coming! "e don2t try to make them -ustify their choice$ 3f they give a reason! "e don2t &uestion their
reason or try to convince them to change their mind$ When someone emails me and says! ,3 have a lot
of home"ork this "eek and 32m not sure 32ll be able to make it!, 3 usually say something like! ,/espect
yourself! be gentle "ith yourself$ We "ould love to have you "ith us$ We "ill miss you$ Let me kno"
for sure as soon as you can$, We don2t need to put pressure on people! because "e trust them to kno"
their highest good! and "e give them space to follo" that$
Creating a Sacred Space
:ore than "e usually reali4e! the human mind operates in a realm of ritual and symbol$ The leader can
utili4e this fact to signal to the unconscious mind of all participants that this is not an ordinary
gathering$ 7ne "ay to do this is to prepare the space in a "ay that makes it special$ Candles or music
might be effective in accomplishing this! or a beautiful "elcome sign on the threshold$ 3n addition!
each session can begin "ith a symbolic signal% a declaration! a chime! a turning off of the music!
lighting a special light or candle$ The message being communicated is! ,8ou have no" entered a
special time and space$, There has to be an identifiable beginning moment that gives people
unconscious permission to lay their ordinary state of being aside$ Without a clear beginning it is as if it
never starts and never really happens$
3n addition to a brief opening ceremony "hich could be as simple as declaring! ,The Deschooling
Convivium is no" convened,#! 3 like to open "ith a dedication$ Dsually 3 say something like! ,The
Deschooling Convivium is dedicated to creating the more beautiful "orld our hearts tell us is possible$,
3t is actually probably more po"erful to state it in the first person% ,3 dedicate today2s Deschooling
Convivium to the more beautiful$$$, or ,3 dedicate today2s Deschooling Convivium to love!, or to
-ustice! to peace! to beauty! to the trees! to the living planet! to the a"akening of all beings! to all
children every"here! to the healing of hurts$ Whatever fits in "ith the theme for that day$ The purpose
of the dedication is to reinforce the message of the opening0that this is no ordinary gatheringE it is an
intentional gathering for a heartfelt purpose$ He dedication is especially important for the leader$ 1or
me it is a reminder of "hy 3 am here$ 3t affirms my intention to stay true to my purpose$ 3t reminds me
that 32m not here for my ego agenda of looking good! being right! establishing my social identity$ 3 am
here to pass on a gift that 3 have received$ 3 add my o"n contribution and pass it on$
After the dedication 3 recommend some kind of check*in ceremony that involves all participants$ The
leader poses a topic and "e go around the circle! or "e take turns spontaneously until everyone has
spoken$ Here are some e(amples that "orked for us%
,8our name! something that made you laugh recently! something that made you cry$, Encourage people
to be specific$
,8our name! and something beautiful to you$, Again! something specific$
,8our name! and something that strikes you "ith a"e$, 3 like al"ays beginning "ith ,your name,!
because it has the effect of each person declaring themselves present$ .ames are po"erful9
,)tate your name! then demonstrate a posture or gesture that e(pressed ho" you feel right no"$, 7r ,$$$
ho" you felt overall this "eek$,
,$$$something you "ant to do but are afraid to$,
,$$$your greatest gift$,
,$$$)omething you "ish you could change about yourself$,
32m sure you can think of lots more$ 7ften you "ill be able to choose an opening that fits in to the rest
of "hat you have planned$ The best ones are those that invite us to be vulnerable$ 7ne that did not "ork
"as "hen "e shared about someone "e admired$ 3t "as too tempting to make it not about me! remote!
not sharing about ourselves$
7f course! you can open your Deschooling Convivium any "ay you "antE you don2t have to use my
suggestions$ There is an important advantage to starting out the same "ay every time! though$ 3t helps
bring people back into the flo" from the previous session$ 3t evokes the mood and spirit that gro"s
stronger over time$ 3t communicates to the participants2 unconscious mind that it is time to get back into
deschooling mode again$
Creating an Atmosphere of Comfort, Openness, and Trust
8ou don2t have to be perfect0you only have to be you$ Do not pass -udgement on yourself$ Do not hide
or pretend$ 1or e(ample! the first time you lead you might feel nervous$ 3t might be best to
ackno"ledge that along the lines of ,8ou kno"! 32m feeling very nervous right no"$ 3 feel under
pressure and that prssure is all coming from myself$, 8ren2t asking for compliments or reassurance! you
are -ust being authentic$ 8ou might communicate that by saying! ,Fust "anted to tell you "here 32m at$
7kay! no" let2s move on$$$, Whatever you share! you are presenting an e(ample of emotional openness
that invites others to do the same$ 8ou don2t e(pect perfection of yourself! so you "on2t e(pect it of
others either$ And they "ill sense that$ 3n a Deschooling Convivium you "ant to offer people infinite
space to be themselves and discover themselves$ The better you can do this for yourself! the better you
can do it for others$ 8ou can even practice by using ht mantra ,give it space$, /epeat it to yourself
throughout the day! so that you2ll remember it "henever intense emotions arise$ Then instead of letting
them carry you a"ay! you can e(pand to give the emotion space so you can fully feel it$ All you need to
do is "itness them0no control is necessary$ The "itnessing itself is far more po"erful than most of us
imagine$ 7f course! 3 am not telling you not to act$ Fust "itness the emotion! and then act$
As additional practice for leading the Deschooling Convivium! you can apply "itness consciousness to
your o"n feelings of -udgmentality to"ard yourself and others$ 8ou don2t need to control your
-udgmentality! -ust notice it and observe it$ E(amples of -udgmentality include shame! guilt! and self*
criticism! along "ith blame! praise! and criticism of others$ These are not good are bad! they -ust are!
and they "ill become less dominant the more you notice them$ The goal is not to eliminate -udgment!
but simply to make the unconscious conscious! so that -udgment is your tool and you are not the tool of
your -udgments$ Then "hen you lead the Deschooling Convivium you "ill not be sitting in -udgment
and people "ill have a much deeper e(perience$ )ure! -udgments "ill still come up in your head! but
you2ll be able to notice them "ithout acting on them$ They2ll come and go "ithout disrupting your
presence$ The you2ll be able to listen fully and "ithout -udgment$ This is something very different from
the typical classroom! "hich is all about -udgment! evaluation! criticism! debate! right and "rong$
As Deschooling Convivium leader you are not a teacher e(pected to have all the ans"ers$ 3n a
classroom! teachers rarely try anything ne" and risk failure$ Well! this isn2t a classroom! and you are
free of that limitation$ 8ou don2t have to stick to your lesson plan$ 8ou can let go of the results and let
something even better emerge$ 3f an activity is a total flop you can halt it in the middle! or you can say!
,This isn2t "orking! is it?, And ask for input$ 3 have e(perienced several occasions "here "e did that
and something great emerged$ Hold your intention! and let the form it takes be open and fluid$
The Flow of an Activit
3n a =$A*hour convivium there is usually time for t"o activities$ Each on typically begins "ith a
conte(ting$ 8ou "ould e(plain "hat to do! "hat to notice! ho" it "ill "ork$ Dsually you "ill not "ant
to state "hat you hope to achieve! because that might program people "ith a right<"rong mentality$
8ou might start "ith a story! a poem! a song$ 8ou might say "hat it is ,about, "ithout setting up
specific e(pectations! as in% ,This activity is about trust!, ,This activity is about -udgment!, ,This
activity is about creativity$, Then say a fe" things about trust! -udgment! or creativity$ At least that2s
ho" 3 usually do it$ 8ou may develop your o"n style$ 8ou might say! ,We did this activity "ith Charles
and "e really loved it and got a lot out of it! and 32d like to share it "ith you too$, 3n the follo"ing
section e(plaining various activities 3 "ill also give you some ideas on ho" to introduce them$
After the activity is finished! usually "e take sometime to share about it! so "e can digest and integrate
the e(perience$ 8ou could simply ask! ,Ho" "as that for you?, ,What opened up for you?, ,What did
you notice in yourself as "e did that activity?, 7r simply! ,Ho" do you feel right no"?, 3f people seem
shy or reticent you can start things off by offering your o"n observation first$ Another good strategy is
to pose the &uestion directly to an individual$ )ometimes you can guess that someone has something on
their mind$
7nce the conversation has started! let it develop on its o"n$ Ho"ever! you "ill "ant to keep it
some"hat focused0that is! in harmony "ith the intention of the Deschooling Convivium$ This
re&uires both mindfulness and skill$ )ometimes it "ill be easy to recogni4e "hen it has veered off
course$ 1or e(ample! someone might illustrate a point by recalling a scene from a movie! "hich is
totally fine! but before you kno" it someone else has chimed in! ,7h! 3 sa" that movie too0do you
remember the part "here Harry slipped and fell on a banana peel, and before you kno" it everyone is
talking about their favorite movies$ A fun conversation to be sure! but ordinaryE you can have that
any"here$ When you see something like that happening! intervene and nudge it back on course$ 8ou
could say! ,/eturning to "hat )ally "as saying about G! did anyone else feel 8?,
)ometimes it may happen that the conversation seems to be going no"here$ 3t2s -ust not "orking$ 8ou
might offer that to the group$ ,32m feeling frustrated$ This conversation seems to be avoiding the heart
of that activity0does anyone have an idea "hy?,
8ou see! you are not actually controlling or manipulating the conversation! because everyone else is
gathered "ith the same intention you are$ 3mmersed in the deadening environment of institutional
education! all of us have a deep and po"erful longing for community! for authenticity! for intimacy$
7ne of our deepest desires is to kno" others and be truly kno"n ourselves$ As Deschooling Convivium
leader you are merely keeping the group on track "ith that intention$ 8ou are the reminder! the
conscience of the group$ 8ou take loving responsibility for holding the group to a purpose shared by all$
The participants "ant the same thing you do! "hich is "hy it is so effective to turn it over to the group
"hen it isn2t "orking$
Another key ingredient for a po"erful Deschooling Convivium conversation is for "hoever is speaking
to offer attention and eye contact to the "hole group! and not -ust to the leader$ That is a habit of the
classroom if 3 ever sa" one9 Tell the ans"er to Teacher$ The follo"ing schematic diagrams make the
difference clear$ The lines represent the flo" of conversation and intention%
A normal classroom
A Deschooling Convivium
3n a Deschooling Convivium! the conversation bounces around the circle! go to more than one person
before coming back to the leader$ 3n a classroom! it typically follo"s a patter of teacher! student A!
teacher! student '! teacher! student C! back to teacher! and so on$ The teacher controls the conversation$
3t is actually a t"o*party conversation bet"een teacher and class! not a multiparty conversation$ 3n
contrast! a Deschooling Convivium leader lets it go on its o"n! releases control! "itnesses it happen!
and participates as an e&ual! "hile at the same time preventing it from straying from the intention of the
Deschooling Convivium$ 8ou might allo" it to stray a"ay from the original activity*related topic!
ho"ever! as long as the ne" topic is still consistent "ith deschooling goals$ As long as people are
sharing something real about themselves! for e(ample$ )ometimes the initial topic -ust serves as a
gate"ay! an access point to "hat is really asking for attention$
At some point you "ill sense that the conversation is done! or time considerations "ill re&uire that you
cut it short$ 3 like to ask if anyone else has something they need to say for the activity to be complete$
We don2t "ant anyone to be left hanging$
)ometimes very strong feelings or conflicts may arise in the course of a conversation$ 3f someone says
something thoughtless or hurtful! let them finish their sentence and then interrupt and bring in "itness
consciousness$ Ask people! ,Ho" does that last e(change feel in your body?, ,Ho" many people are
having -udgments! evaluations! right*and*"rong right no"?, We are so deeply imbued "ith the habit of
using speech score points! establish rightness! and present an identity that unavoidably! that habit "ill
come out in the Deschooling Convivium despite our best intentions$ 'ut in a Deschooling Convivium
those habits are contrary to our purpose$ Any conflict that arises! any ill*considered use of "ords! is a
great opportunity to learn something about ourselves$
Herein lies another goal of the Deschooling Convivium$ 6reat philosophers and mystics since the time
of )ocrates have taught that the most valuable kind of kno"ledge is self*kno"ledge$ Whatever happens
in an activity or conversation! there is often a chance to make it an occasion for self*kno"ledge$
)ometimes someone "ill say! either in the post*activity sharing or later in private! that a certain activity
didn2t "ork for them$ 3magine ho" you "ould feel if everyone else seemed to be having a profound
e(perience e(cept yourself$ 3t is important to validate that person2s e(perience! no matter "hat it "as$
Any activity lands on each person differently$ 3f your e(perience is doubt and resistance and feeling left
out and lonely! then take note of that! "itness it! and thereby gain some self*kno"ledge$
Congratulations0you have learned something important about yourself9 :ake sure that participants
kno" that there is no right or "rong e(perience to be had$
Sample Activities
;$ 6uided :ingling
There are t"o "ays to do this% eyes open and eyes closed$ 3 recommend doing both! first "ith eyes
open$ 3t is good to follo" "ith the eyes*closed version immediately after the eyes*open0the contrast is
most illuminating$ )ave the integration conversation for after both segments are completed$
1irst define the space for the activity the room! the carpeted area! etc$# Have everyone "ander around
aimlessly for a minute! then offer some points for a"areness%
Do you find yourself making eye contact? Avoiding eye contact?
Do you typically break eye contact first?
.otice your posture
.otice your breathing
Where are you putting your hands? Crossed? 3n pockets?
What kind of e(pression do you have on your face?
7ffer these points occasionally over the ne(t minute or t"o! "ith time in bet"een each point so that
people can really e(perience the a"areness it generates$ 'y no" people "ill probably be feeling pretty
uncomfortable$ 3f that feeling is strong in the room! you might offer a point for a"areness about that
too% ,Do you feel uncomfortable? A"k"ard? Locate that feeling in your body$, When the e(ercise has
gone on long enough you "ill kno" "hen0trust yourself#! then announce% ,7kay! no" everyone
close your eyes and continue mingling$, Again let them "ander around for a minute or so! then offer a
different set of points for a"areness%
What do you do "hen you bump someone? Ho" do you feel?
Are you holding your hands and arms protectively?
Do you have an e(pression on your face even though no one can see you?
.otice "hether your shoulders are tense$
Do you tend to stay on the fringes or head to the center?
Another thing you can ask in this activity! and in many other activities too! is ,When 3 ask these
&uestions! do you feel right or "rong?, Then encourage them to let the ans"er -ust be! "ithout
evaluating right<"rong$
This is a "onderful game for the first Deschooling Convivium meeting! because it is fun! a good ice*
breaker! and generates rich conversation after"ard$ 3t can inspire insights into our automatic
unconscious "ays of presenting ourselves! "ays of maintaining distance! the artificiality of cro"ds
and classrooms?#! as "ell as our nervousness "hen some of the distancing mechanism are inactivated$
3 "ouldn2t mention all that beforehand though$ Fust give the instructions and let the activity "ork its
magic$
=$ 7ffering of &uestions
3n a classroom the teacher typically provides not only defines the ans"ers! but provides the &uestions
as "ell! "hether on an e(am or as embodied in a curriculum0"hich says! ,Here is "hat "e "ill learn
about$, )chool*learning is very much about producing ans"ers$ This activity takes a very different
approach$ 3t is a great choice for the first or second session! depending on the comfort level$
6ive everyone a piece of paper and a pen and ask them to "rite do"n their &uestions$ .ot ,&uestions
you "ant to ask me!, but general &uestions about life! the "orld! college! or any issue that is present in
your life$ Ask everyone to "rite do"n at least ;H*;A &uestions$ E(plain that sometimes a &uestion "ill
lead to deeper &uestions! and that they have plenty of time to follo" the &uestions "herever they might
lead$ Do this yourself too$ After it seems that everyone is finished! ask people to choose the &uestion
,most present for you at this time in your life$, 3nvite them then to spend A*;H minutes -ust being "ith
that &uestion$ .ot seeking an ans"er! but -ust being "ith the &uestion! the feeling of longing to kno"$
3n that A*;H minutes of silence! remind them once or t"ice to play "ith it! e(plore it! see "hat trains of
thought it takes them to$
1or part three of this activity! divide up into partners$ Each pair goes to a &uiet corner some"here$ 7ne
person takes on the role of Asker! the other takes on the role of Listener$ The Asker kneels up on his<her
kneesE the Listener stands and listens silently! "ithout changing e(pression or nodding the head! "hile
the Asker asks his<her &uestion from before$ When you introduce this e(ercise! suggest that the Asker
start "ith the &uestion and then elaborate! asking maybe in different "ays! e(plaining the background a
little! maybe proceeding to an even deeper &uestion behind the starting &uestion0al"ays ga4ing into
the Listener2s face$ After a fe" minutes! "hen you sense it is time! ask everyone to thank their partner
and s"itch roles$ Also remember to instruct the Listeners to do their best to listen "ith full attention
and no -udgement! compassionately! "ith full confidence that the universe "ill provide the ans"er at
the perfect time in the perfect "ay$ And the Askers are to see the Listener as an omniscient being$ The
kneeling position automatically creates that perception$
This is an e(traordinarily po"erful e(ercise that "ill generate a very rich conversation after"ards$
+eople "ill have ama4ing insights and profound reali4ations$ /eally let everyone have the chance to
fully e(plore and integrate it in the conversation$ +rovide them a big listening$ Lose any agenda and
trust the process$ 8ou "ill see a great "isdom and humanity emerge from the participants$ All you need
to do is be there to "itness it$ 8ou don2t have to make it happen$ 3t "ill happen because that potential is
latent "ithin us all$
Again! one of the great myths of our educational system is that learning is hard$ Well! it is not$ An even
broader cultural myth is that life is hard$ A struggle! necessitating "illpo"er! discipline! hard "ork! a
great effort at self*control and self*improvement$ Well guess "hat? Life is not hard either! and neither
need it be hard to lead the Deschooling Convivium$ Everything that "e "ant to happen is -ust "aiting
to happen! bursting to happen$ As leader you do not need to impose anything on people from "ithout$ 3t
is already there$ As leaders "e merely invite it out and "elcome it into the "orld$
Trying hard "ill not usher in the more beautiful "orld our hearts tell us is possible$ That is -ust as
impossible as trying hard to be creative! or trying to make someone be something they are not$ We don2t
need to try hard! because the more beautiful "orld is present already! closer than close$ )ome of the
other activities in this manual "ill give you a sense of this$ The spontaneity e(ercises! for instance!
illustrate a mode of creativity that has little to do "ith trying and much to do "ith getting out of the
"ay of "hat already is$ )o leaders! don2t make it hard$ All you need to do is allo" your o"n creativity!
authenticity! and spontaneity to be present$ 8ou can do this9
There is a beautiful )tage 1our to the offering &uestions activity that provides a great segue to a closing
ceremony$ Everyone picks up their list of &uestions and identifies ten that they are "illing to share$
Then! go around the circle many times! each person speaking a &uestion out loud$ 'e>fore you begin!
remind everyone to give each &uestion a full listening! maybe pausing a fe" seconds in bet"een$ 3
personally feel that no integration conversation is necessary for this partE it is poetry and speaks for
itself$
3f there are an odd number of people for the partner "ork! there are a fe" things you can do$ Three
people can be in a group A listens to 'E ' listens to CE C listens to A$ 8ou might even choose to
structure the activity like this for everyone if the number of people is a multiple of three$ The person
not speaking or listening can be a "itness$ 8ou may even discover this approach has certain
advantages$
Have everyone keep their list of &uestions$ 8ou might invent other activities "hich utili4e them later
on$
>$ The )tone 6ame
This game seeks to illuminate the "ays "e participate in conversation$ 3t is not as deeply challenging as
some of the other activities 32ve described! suiting it to be a "armup for something else$
Have everyone bring in >H small pebbles and sit around a large table$ Total silence is to be maintain
throughout$ 6oing around the table! each person places a stone or chooses to "ithhold a stone$ Ieep
going around the table until someone runs out of stones$ 8ou could end the game right there! or have
each person "ho finishes leave first$ Ho"ever! 3 think it is better to end "hile some people still have
stones in their hand! as the follo"ing &uestions for a"areness make clear$
After the game is over! debrief the group on their e(perience$ Describe the different "ays "e
participate in conversation$ Were you being selfish or giving in the placement of your rocks? Did you
try to control the "ay it "as going? 7r did you go "ith the flo"? What kind of feeling accompanied
your choice to "ithhold0"as it similar to the emotions you feel "hen you "ithhold participating in
group conversations? Did you notice yourself interacting "ith some people more than others? Did you
find yourself "anting to ignore some of the contributions! or feeling annoyed "hen someone else
spoiled "here you "anted to take the design? Do you pass -udgment on others2 contributions? Do you
pass -udgment on your o"n contributions! critici4ing and evaluating yourself? Do you sometimes find
yourself motivated primarily to contribute in a "ay that garners other people2s attention and approval?
All of these could e&ually be asked of the stone game or any conversation! particularly in a group$ 3n
fact! after the debriefing conversation about the stone game has proceeded for a "hile! you can ask!
,Does anyone find themselves doing some of the same things in this conversation as you did in the
stone game?, 7r! ,Does anybody notice any similarities bet"een this conversation and the stone
game?, 8ou can also ask for general observations about the game$ What kind of ,conversation, "as it?
3nclusive? Dysfunctional? )uperficial? Deep? 3ntimate? Light? +layful? )erious?
@$ Authentic :ovement
This is an ama4ing activity for confronting -udgmentality! shyness! self*consciousness! and limiting
perceptions of self and others$ +robably many of the group "ill not "ant to actually do the movement$
That is fine$ :ake it clear that "itnessing another2s authentic movement can be every bit as
enlightening as doing it yourself$
The ideal location for authentic movement "ould be a big grassy field "here no one can get hurt
bumping into things$ 8ou can also do it indoors by forming a protective circle around the :over to
guide him<her a"ay from any "alls or dangerous ob-ects$ The :over starts at the center "ith eyes
closed and simply moves any "ay he<she "ants to$ 3t is not a performance9 Tell the group to let go of
any desire to impress! to look good! to avoid looking silly or "eird$ 8ou see! in the normal course of
human interaction "e habitually restrict our postures and movements the open*eye mingling activity
demonstrates this#$ 3n authentic movement! "e let go of presenting ourselves as ourselves$ This can be
&uite freeing! since the habits of bodily self*presentation become so ingrained that "e forget other "ays
of moving and! conse&uently! other "ays of being$ 8ou see! the "ay "e hold and move our bodies is
connected to our thoughts! emotions! and beliefs$ 8ou can demonstrate this beforehand "ith the
follo"ing mini*e(ercise% split into partners! and have everyone stand face to face about si( feet apart in
various postures% hands on hipsE arms crossed over "aist a lot of people actually "alk like this#E hands
behind backE hands in pocketsE hands hanging at your side$ After"ard! ask ho" they feel different being
in each posture and seeing someone else in each posture$ Ask them "hich felt uncomfortable and "hich
felt the most comfortable$ A very fruitful discussion can arise -ust from this mini*e(ercise$
/eturning to the authentic movement activity! you might observe to the group that a baby has none of
the habits and inhibitions that limit ho" "e move our bodies$ A baby moves spontaneously and
-oyously$ A baby is not self*conscious$ 3n this activity "e seek to reconnect "ith that$ These habits and
inhibitions deepen over time! producing eventually symptoms of aging such as stiffness and rigidity$ 3n
reconnecting "ith the infant2s spontaneity "e stay in touch "ith our youth$
This activity is obviously very much at odds "ith the habits of the classroom$ Typically in a class! no
matter "hat the content! "hether it is a lecture or discussion or reading or "riting! our bodies are in the
same position all the time$ Education! after all! is supposed to be primarily about the mind! not the
body$ Education happens mostly in a chair$ 7ne thing this activity demonstrates is that mind and body
are intimately connected$ 3f a posture corresponds to a state of emotion and a state of mind! "hat does
sitting in a chair correspond to? Apathy! perhaps? 3ndifference? +assivity?
After a fe" of the people have e(perienced Authentic :ovement! consider breaking for a conversation
about it to digest and process and give the :overs a chance to share$ This "ill give the shyer people a
chance to collect their courage and give it a go in the second round$ .o" here is a situation that might
arise in this or some other activity$ )uppose someone "ho has :oved in the first round shares! ,3t
"asn2t scary at all for me$ 3 "asn2t a bit self*conscious$ 3 don2t see "hat the big deal is$, +ossibly! "hen
that person "as :oving it may have come off as a performance and not truly authentic$ Ho" do you
deal "ith this situation? 3t is important to address it! because those "ords "ill probaly leave others
feeling inade&uate and invalidated$ 8ou also don2t "ant to shoot do"n the speaker$ This might be an
opportunity to talk about ho" everyone has uni&ue strengths and inhibitions! and ho" our fears and
limitations are nothing to be ashamed of! they -ust are$ )o you could say! ,3 "onder if so*and*so2s
comment made anyone feel angry! inade&uate! or inferior$, These are feelings to take note of$ We don2t
need to con&uer or control anything! -ust apply the light of compassionate attention$
A nice variation on this activity is to do it in pairs! one person moving "hile the other "atches! then
s"itching$ This "ill also allo" time for doing it longer$ 1or the "hole*group version 3 suggest
providing a guideline of =*A minutes that is ,-ust a guideline,$ 3n pairs you2ll have time to e(plore it a
little more deeply$ )ometimes allo"ing ten minutes or even more allo"s you to go on a real -ourney$
8ou get past the initial a"k"ardness! and real spontaneity emerges$ 3t is ama4ing ho" &uickly lifelong
habits can vanish$ 7f course they come back again as "e reenter our customary reality! but the memory
of having been free of them remains! and much that "as once impossible becomes possible$ 'e sure to
allo" time for reflection and sharing! both bet"een partners and in the group after"ards$
3f your Convivium is fortunate to have someone e(ceptionally at home in his or her body! you could
also consider inviting that person to fully e(press that in a longer ;H*minute# movement session for the
"hole group$ 3 find it very inspiring to "atch someone "ho is magnificently self*e(pressed$ /emember
"hat leadership really is% it is to create opportunities for people to e(press their gifts$
A$ 6a4ing
There are many variations of this e(ercise! "hich generates a profound sense of connectedness$ To
maintain eye contact "ith another person can be an intensely intimate e(perience$ 3t meets a very deep
longing of all human beings! "hich is to be kno"n by other people for "ho "e truly are! as "ell as to
kno" other people in the same "ay$ We of modern society are some of the loneliest people ever to
inhabit the earth$ We have gro"n used to it in a "ay! enough at leas"t that "e call it normal$ We
assume life is -ust like that$ The ga4ing activity tells us other"ise$ 3t tell us of the incredibly close and
authentic connection that is al"ays so close! -ust five minutes a"ay$ We are like starving people
"andering "ith heads bo"ed in a vast orchard of ripe fruit that "e need only raise our eyes to have$
3nstead "e drift through life starving for connection! driven by an unease! a longing! a hunger that can
never be assuaged by the things "e usually feed it$ This is the "ound o fseparation! from nature and
from other people! ad the pain of it registers as a kind of an(iety that "e can never really put our finger
on$ +arado(ically! our greatest desire is also our greatest fear$ We have gro"n accustomed to our
cocoon$ We have gro"n accustomed to a very superficial level of connection! and "e go to great
lengths to keep it that "ay$ 'ecause actually to forge a deeper connection is &uite easy$ The barrier is
only fear$
3f you think about it you may find it &uite strange0"hy should a fe" minutes of eye contact be so
uncomfortable? )o frightening? We are afraid of being truly seen$ We are more comfortable having
people see not the real me! but the image "e present$ We maintain this image in all kinds of "ays this
might be a good lead*in discussion$ ,Ho" do most people see you? What do you do to establish and
perpetuate this perception?,# And then! having succeeded in presenting an image to the "orld! "e feel
lonely because no one kno"s us$ They only kno" the image$ We become victims of our o"n success$
We live in an impoverished social "orld$ We can go an entire lifetime never having e(perienced0
never having kno"n0the "ealth of humanity around us$ Each person you interact "ith is an entire
universe unto themselves! a divine being unspeakably precious$ That is "hy the ga4ing e(ercise is so
po"erful$ .ot only does it establish this connection "ith another personE it sho"s us "hat life could be$
3t really gives he e(perience of a more beautiful "orld! and it confirms that such a "orld is possible0
so close! and yet so far$ Ho" close? 1ive minutes a"ay$ Ho" far? 3mpossibly far$ 3t "ould take a
miracle for silent ga4ing to become a normal social activity! replacing! say! small talk and gossip$ Can
you imagine ho" different such a "orld "ould be! ho" beautiful? Ho" different "ould society be! if
"e received fre&uent e(periential reminders of the divinity that inhabits those "ho surround us? 3f "e
lived in an ongoing "aking kno"ledge that "e are holy beings living among other holy beings in a
"orld that is holy too? )o close! so far$ 3t "ill indeed take a miracle to get there$ And really that is "hat
"e are in the business of doing% creating miracles$ What is a miracle! any"ay? 3t is something "holly
une(pected based on the past$ 8ou sink into "ater a million times! and no" you "alk on "ater0that is
a miracle9 We stop living in the habits of a lifetime and choose a ne" "ay of being0that is a miracle
too$ What "e have accepted as ,-ust the "ay things are, can change overnight$ 7f course "e can
al"ays go back! choose the old "orld over the ne"! but once "e have e(perienced it even once our
eventual transcendence of the old is guaranteed$ 'ecause no" "e kno" it is possible$ The illusion that
life is ,-ust like this, no longer can fully delude us$ A birthing process is set in motion! and even if "e
do return to the old "orld again! eventually "e "ill be born into the ne" as completely and irrevocably
as a baby is e(pelled from the "omb$
'ecause a huge barrier of fear stands in "ay of our greatest desire! to kno" and be kno"n! it is
important to conte(t "ith e(ercise "ith gentleness and care$ +erhaps precede it "ith another activity
that leads naturally into ga4ing! so it doesn2t seem so "eird$ 1or e(ample! the theme could be listening
"ithout -udgment$$$$ and no" "e are going to do an e(ercise about seeing "ithout -udgment$ 3 have
found it unnecessary to have a big dramatic buildup to the ga4ing activity$ Another good lead*in "ould
be something on the "ays "e present ourselves! inflections! postures! and masks$$$$ and no" "e "ill
practice -ust being "ith someone "ithout ,presenting,$
3 like to lead this activity in three parts$ 1irst a fe" minutes of ga4ing$ 'efore it starts and for the first
minutealso you may need to issue some reminders$ Drge people not to slip into ,presenting, themselves
by raising eyebro"s! making e(pressions! or looking a"ay$ 'linking is okay though0it is not a
,staring contest,$# Here are some "ays to set it up%
Look for "hat is beautiful and good in the other person$
)ee the other person as your self! looking back at you through different eyes$
Look "ith appreciation at the real person in front of you$
Fust as "e strive to listen "ithout -udgment! let us no" see "ithout -udgment$ Fust see! "ithout adding
naything on! "ithout interpreting! guessing! evaluating$
+ick one of these that fits in "ith the evening2s theme! or lead it in your o"n "ay$ 7ften these "ork
best "hen one person is the )eer and the other is the )een$ Then they s"itch after >*A minutes0
"henever you feel it is time! "ithout breaking eye contact$ The above instructions are for the )eerE the
)een should be reminded to be unguarded and present in order to be truly seen$ 3n reality! the difference
bet"een the t"o roles isn2t so big$
3f the ga4ing session starts out "ith a lot of giggles! you may need to guide people over this hump$
+eople usually giggle because they feel nervous and uncomfortable$ 8ou don2t need to tell them to stop
giggling$ )imply name "hat is happening$ 3 "ould say something like! ,3t is &uite natural to be feeling
a little nervous or uncomfortable and to start giggling$ That2s 7I$ Fust keep ga4ing! let the giggling
stage run its course! and soon you "ill move into the ne(t phase of the e(perience$, This phrasing
validates their behavior and at th same time invites and encourages them to move past it$ The "ording
also ,reframes, the giggling as a ,phase,$#
3 highly recommend that you do this on a day "hen there are an even number of people present! so that
you can participate yourself$ 8ou can talk "hile still maintaining eye contact "ith your partner$
After the initial A*;H minute ga4ing e(change is over! you "ill likely "ant to e(tend the e(perience
because it is -ust so s"eet$ A good "ay to do this is to ask people to maintain eye contact "hile
listening to their partner describe "hat they felt in both roles$ Take turns as speaker and listener$ The
listener fully listens! again "ithout -udgment or verbal response$ After each partner has had the
opportunity to share! invite everyone to still maintain eye contact "hile having a ,normal,
conversation$ Fust continue talking about the e(perience$
Eventually you "ill have to end the e(perience and bring people back to the circle$ When 3 finally
broke eye contact "ith my partner it actually hurt$ When "ould 3 ever reenter that realm? That
"renching "as a clear sharp e(perience of the constant ache that underlies modern social life$ 3n the
life of separation that hurting is a constant fact of life$ .o "onder distractions from life are so
compelling! so addictive$ We2ll do almost anything to make it stop hurting$ Drugs! alcohol! T5! video
games! spectator sports obsessions! pornography! all are "ays to temporarily numb the pain of
separation$ 'ut do they do anything to heal that separation? Do they actually deepen the human
connections in our lives? Dsually not! Dsually they isolate us ll the more and "e feel even lonelier$
When you "ake up hung over the ne(t morning! the soul ache is still there! "ith a headache to boot$
When the circle regroups it is likely that most or all participants "ill be in a very e(panded state of
consciousness$ They "ill have been profoundly moved by the beauty they e(perienced$ .o" it is time
to provide some kind of a bridge connecting this e(perience back to real life$ The lesson of this
e(perience is .7T that the Deschooling Convivium is some separate reality that is irreconcilable "ith
the real "orld$ That "ould be deflating! not empo"ering$ Actually! the Deschooling Convivium aims to
empo"er us in the real "orld by sho"ing us its potential$ 3t is not a "ay of being that is separate from
lifeE it is "hat life can be$ 3n the Deschooling Convivium "e become a"are of an e(panded potential
for ourselves and our lives$ The vision is for the authenticity and immediacy of our interactions here to
gradually become the norm for our lives and for people generally$ We seek to heighten our e(pectations
and never settle for less$ We come together to live more fully0that is "hat the "ord ,convivium,
means% people coming together to live more fully$
3t "ould be sad indeed if anyone "alked a"ay believing! ,This is only possible in the Deschooling
Convivium$, The message is that it is possible at all$ 'ecause "hat! really! is the Deschooling
Convivium? 3t is -ust a group of people holding an intention to be free$ All people every"here share
this desire$
The conversation follo"ing the ga4ing e(perience is an opportunity to bridge it back to life outside$
/ead this section several times before the evening you guide this e(perience so that you can bring these
ideas into the conversation naturally$ /ead this section and make the ideas your o"n$ )oak them into
your bones until they become a part of you$ Then you "ill be able to share them as yours! in your o"n
"ords! illuminated by your o"n gifts! stories! e(amples and e(periences$ 3 "ould also bring into the
conversation the &uestion! ,7I! ho" can "e apply all this to our lives?, ,What is the message of this
e(perience?, +robably you "on2t have to apply much guidance to keep this conversation at a very high
level$ 3t might occasionally lapse into a kind of ,full, silence as people re*submerge themselves in that
state of connectedness$ Allo" this to happen$ Hold the intention of the conversation bridging the
e(perience to the rest of life! but really let this happen in its o"n "ay$ 8ou are "itness to a "isdom far
surpassing your o"n0it is the organic! self*emergent "isdom of the group$ 8ou are like a mid"ife
assisting in a birth$ 8ou create the conditions for it to happen! but you certainly didn2t create the child$
8ou can ease the labor and you can guide the mother and child past certain dangers and complications$
:ostly you are "itness to a sacred process that proceeds according to its o"n mysterious "isdom and
logic$ 3t is a foolish mid"ife "ho "ould impose her o"n schedule on a mother2s labor$
At the same time! you are also a participant! another member of the group$ This is "hat makes your
leadership genuine$ )ometimes "hen 3 "as leading the Deschooling Convivium 3 noticed a secret
agenda in myself of gaining approval! dominating! being right! or being overattached to things being a
certain "ay that "asn2t really necessary to fulfill my deepest intentions$ 3n other "ords! 3 found myself
being tempted by the habits of the classroom$ 3 believe that in most cases 3 "as brave enough to let go
of these controlling agendas$ 3 hope the participants e(perienced freedom and respect$ 3f you notice any
of this happening in yourself! simply "itness it and let it go "ithout shame$ There is no shame in being
human$ We have been conditioned from very early on to seek approval! to have the right ans"er! be
acceptable! be in control of the situation$ )chool is a huge part of this conditioning$ As Deschooling
Convivium leader you are deschooling yourself too$ The more you release the conditioning! the more
you become a giving! generous! and po"erful leader$ Conditioned by the "orld*as*it*is! no matter ho"
hard "e try! "e "ill end up producing results that perpetuate the "orld*as*it*is$ The master2s tools "ill
never dismantle the master2s house$ 6enerations of revolutionaries! social activists! and
environmentalists have discovered this to their sorro"$ We can try to frighten people into changing their
"aysE "e can manipulate them by invoking guiltE "e can coerce and dominate and force and control
them! and for a time "e may e(perience a semblance of success! but all the "hile "hat "e are really
strenghtening in the "orld is the fear! domination! coercion! and control$ Everyone thinks they have a
good reason for applying these tools! or actually "eapons$ 3n the Deschooling Convivium! in our o"n
small "ay! "e practice another approach$ We trust in people2s goodness and "isdom and create a
clearing for that to manifest$
3 encourage you to do the same for yourself as you lead$ Don2t make it hard for yourself$ Trust in your
o"n goodness and "isdom too$ When "e use controlling methods on ourselves0guilt! threat! shame!
criticism! blame! conditional approval0then inevitably "e "ill do it to other people too$ Even if you
use these methods to try to force yourself to be less critical! less -udgmental! less controlling! you "ill
only end up strengthening these traits$ 3nstead! simply "itness! gently laugh at it! and kno" it isn2t your
true nature$ That is the alternative to the hopeless strategy of trying harder$ Trust yourself! rela( into
yourself! let your true "isdom and goodness emerge so that it can emerge in others around you$
B$ )peaking the Dnspoken
This activity follo"s nicely from an introduction along the lines of ,your name and something you2ve
been afraid to tell someone$, 3t addresses the &uestion of ho" to actually create a "orld of authentic
relationships$
3n many of our relationships! the most important things often go unsaid$ Dnresolved issues sit there for
years and! like the proverbial pink elephant in the room! make it impossible to fully be "ith that person$
3 sue the e(ample% suppose a year ago 3 took money from /a-an2s "allet$ He kno"s 3 did it! and 3 kno"
he kno"s! but out of a"kardness "e never talk about it$ 1or a "hole year he2s been feeling angry and
32ve been feeling guilty$ With this issue in the background! can "e ever have a real conversation about
anything? Can "e ever be real "ith each other? We can talk about trivial matters0sports! the "eather
0and pretend everything is okay! but "e cannot be close because there2s this huge thing bet"een us$
:oreover! it is likely that /a-an "ill often blo" up at me for no apparent reason! and that 3 "ill try to
avoid him$
As you read this! you might have been reminded of relationships "ith friends or family "here there is
something big and unsaid bet"een you$ We are sometimes tempted by the illusion that "e can ,"ork
on the relationship, or improve it by trying really hard to be nice! "ithout addressing the real issue! but
this is impossible$ 1or e(ample! /a-an could resolve to try really hard not to blo" up at me for no
reason$ .o matter ho" hard he tries though! the underlying energy is still there$ At best he can e(pect
eternal stasisE more often "hat "e e(perience is continued degradation of the relationship$ Eventually
maybe "e really do forget about the "allet$ 3 conclude /a-an is hotheaded and unreasonableE he
concludes 3 am standoffish and cold$ 3t is like a to(ic "aste dump that has been paved over and
forgotten$ .o" "hy is everyone getting sick? Hmm! better "ash our hands more often$ .o$ )ometimes
it takes a little digging to find the source of the poison$
Like other kinds of transformation! to transform a relationship is not hard! but it usually is scary$ There
is something "e are afraid to bring out into the open$ 'o"ing to the fear! "e stick "ith the status &uo!
and the full potential of the relationship is never e(pressed$
3n this e(ercise everyone is given an identical pen and piece of paper$ E(plain beforehand that these
letters "ill be shared anonymously! so don2t use your o"n name or any obvious identifying
information$ We all have parents! so to further the anonymity "e can all "rite the letter to a parent$
These are not really letters! -ust practice conversations0you "on2t have to send it$
The idea of this e(ercise is to imagine that! for once! you have the full attention of the recipient% that
no" is the time to say "hat has for so long gone unsaid$ What have you al"ays "anted to tell him or
her that "as al"ays too a"k"ard! too uncomfortable! or -ust never the right time? What have you held
back! thinking ,They2d never listen, or ,3t "ouldn2t do any good,? .o" is your chance to say it all$ The
letter doesn2t need to be too long though$ Dsually a fe" sentences suffice to say "hat is really
important! "hile "e devote enormous &uantities of "ords to say almost nothing at all$
After everyone is done! put all the letters in the center! mi( them up! and ask everyone to take one that
isn2t their o"n$ 3n order to read it aloud effectively it helps to read it in a "hisper to oneself a couple
times first$ The idea is to read it "ith feeling! as if you "ere an actor playing the part of the person
e(pressing those "ords$ 6o around the circle! everyone taking turns to read the letter in their hand$
Encourage everyone to devote their full listening0don2t read yours "hile someone else is reading
aloud$ 3n fact it might be more effective for everyone to listen "ith their eyes closed$
3n the integration discussion after"ard! one productive &uestion to pose to the group is! ,What is going
to stop you from actually having this conversation?, Another topic to e(plore is the impact that hiding
the issue might have$ +eople could even put themselves in the place of the person "ho "rote their
letter$ This can turn into a "hole other activity$ 'e sure to leave room for undirected conversation too$
3n each individual letter a lot of universal themes "ill come up$ +eople "ill find themselves relating to
a lot of "hat "as read$
C$ The /ealm of the +ossible J /elationships
A good opening to set the tone for this activity is ,8our name! and something you "ish you could
change about somebody in your life$, 7ften it helps to introduce such an opening in a "ay that
increases everyone2s comfort level$ Here is ho" 3 "ould do it% ,8ou2ve probably heard some"here that
it is not right to try to change other people! but let2s face it! "e all probably find ourselves "ishing that
our roommate! boyfriend! girlfriend! brother! sister! friend! or parent "ould be more this or less that$
:ore considerate! less messy! more self*confident! less critical! and so on$ 1or e(ample! sometimes 3
really "ish my "ife "ouldn2t be such a neat freak$, This introduction gives people permission to be
open and vulnerable because 3 have set the e(ample$
The above is -ust a suggested opening$ The activity itself asks everyone to describe a relationship in
their lives that could be improved$ 3t could be a totally dysfunctional relationship! or a pretty good one
that isn2t &uite perfect$ Have each person take a sheet of paper and divide it into four &uadrants$ E(plain
that the left side is for -udgments$ The top half is% ,What about the other person makes this relationship
imperfect?, The bottom half is! ,What about me makes this relationship imperfect?, After everyone has
taken a fe" minutes to "rite these do"n! ask them to identify "hich of them are -udgments$ E(amples
are% ,He is too la4y$, ,)he is too demanding$, ,He never listens$, ,)he is too indecisive$, ,He doesn2t
respect me$,
:arshall /osenberg "rites that a -udgment is a tragic e(pression of an unmet need$ 3n the right column!
then! try to find the need behind each of the -udgments$ +erhaps ,He never listens, "ould correspond to
,3 need to be heard$,
After everyone has finished! go around the circle to give each person the chance to share one of the
-udgments and the associated need$ 8ou can also lead a conversation on "hat people discovered
through this process$ +eople can also help each other to identify the needs behind -udgments they can2t
figure out$
Another "ay to approach this e(ercise is to use the letters from ,)peaking the Dnspoken,$ Have each
person underline all the -udgments in their letter! and identify the associated need$
?$ Wants and .eeds
7ne of the deepest rationales of school is that of social engineering$ Fust as technology seeks to control
and improve upon nature! education is one of the cultural technologies that seeks to improve on human
nature$ +art of that is improving on you9
8ou see! the real you! the natural you! -ust isn2t good enough$ 8ou "ould rather play than "ork$ 8ou2d
rather be outside than sitting at a desk in a classroom$ 8ou "ould rather talk to your friends than pay
attention to the lesson$ 8ou "ould rather go out than do your home"ork$ Therefore! if "e accept that
the classroom! the lesson! the home"ork is more "orthy than the alternatives! "e need to impose
control and discipline upon ourselves$ We need to deny our "ants$ We are presented in school "ith a
vision of success that depends on constant self*denial$ 3t is those "ho make the biggest sacrifices "e
are told# "ho achieve the most$ And if you follo" your desires! if you trust yourself! then you "ill fall
behind! you "ill get poor grades! you "ill be less successful in life$
+ounded into us year after year! both in school and from parents! churches! and society! this "ay of
thinking becomes deeply ingrained$ The result is a profound self*distrust and a constant battle against
ourselves$ We "ithhold our pleasures and desires until "e feel! after having made enough sacrifices!
that "e finally deserve them$ 7r "e deny them as long as "e can! until at some point "illpo"er fails
and! seemingly helpless! "e engage in binges of various sorts and ,blo" off, our "ork$ This behavior
ends up reinforcing the underlying message that the natural self is not to be trusted$ ,)ee "hat
happens!, "e think! ,"hen 3 let myself do "hatever 3 "ant?,
+art of deschooling is to free ourselves from this regime of control! and to reconnect "ith our natural
desires and begin to trust them$ 1or many people! this process of liberation from ,shoulds, is &uite
lengthy and gradualE ho"ever! "e can also e(perience huge sudden breakthroughs$ At the very least!
the activity 3 am about to describe can so" the seed of a ne" "ay of thinking$
)tep one is for everyone to make a list of their "ants$ Encourage everyone to release self*-udgment and
be honest "ith themselves$ Even the most superficial! materialistic "ants are fair game$ After many
years of denying our "ants! sometimes "e lose touch "ith them and don2t even kno" "hat "e really
"ant$ )o instead "e reach for substitutes$ 3n this e(ercise! tell everyone to give themselves the chance
to dig a little deeper$ What are the "ants behind the "ants? What deep needs do they ultimately arise
from? Let everyone kno" that this list is -ust for themselvesE they "ill not be sharing it$
1ollo" "ith a discussion on ho" the process "as for people$ Did anyone discover a "ant that surprised
them? Ho" do you respond emotionally to openly ackno"ledging your "ants? Empo"ered? 6uilty?
)elfish?
.e(t 3 usually lead people in a meditation "here 3 encourage them to fully e(perience the state of
"antingness$ What is it like to "ant something? Ho" does it feel in the body? 3 ask people to choose
from their list the "ant that is currently the most present in their lives$ Have a discussion about this
meditation also$ Even though the ob-ects of our desires are different! the state of "anting is the same!
isn2t it$ Could it be that if "e traced them do"n deeply enough! the underlying needs "ould be the same
too? There is material here for a rich conversation$ 8ou might pose the follo"ing &uestions% ,What is
the deepest human desire?, A po"erful activity "ould be for everyone to "rite do"n their deepest and
highest desire! and then to go around the circle and share$
1inally! 3 ask each person to think of something that they "ant to do but cannot -ustify$ 3t should be
something that they are ready to do any"ay$ Each person "rites it do"n in the form! ,3 am going to G
because 3 "ant to$, Again "e go around the circle and take turns reading our intention aloud! using
e(actly that sentence pattern$ 3 sometimes interrupt at the beginning and ask people to notice any
feelings of being apologetic! and to state it po"erfully$ 7f course! people can pass on this if they feel it
is too personal$ The effect of hearing lots of other people declaring they are going to do something
important to them -ust because they "ant to can be &uite po"erful$ 3t tells us it is okay for us to do that
too$ 3t also helps to take the spirit of the Deschooling Convivium outside the room and into life$ 8ou
can agree to share the results of your declarations the ne(t "eek$
K$ 3mprovisational Theater 6ames
The habit of self*censorship has been so deeply instilled in us that "e sometimes cannot access our
inborn spontaneity$ Ask someone! ,3magine a bo($ 8ou open it0"hat2s inside?, they "ill often
hesitate! skip over the first couple responses! and then ,make something up$, )pontaneity means going
"ith the ans"er that "as already there$ To do that! the internal censor has to get out of the "ay$ )ince in
school this could result in ridicule or the "rong ans"er! "e have a fear barrier to being spontaneous$
3n order to undo this habit! 3 have used many of the concepts and games from Ieith Fohnstone2s
marvelous book! Impro: Improvisation and the Theatre$ 3 encourage you to read this book and
e(periment "ith bringing some of its techni&ues into your convivium$ 3 put three participants in charge
of devising an activity for the ne(t "eek! and "e acted out some hilarious improvisational scenes that
they2d come up "ith$ The storytelling games are especially liberating because in addition to developing
spontaneity! they sho" people that it is 7I to not al"ays try to control one2s e(pressions in order to
look good$ /ead Fohnstone2s book and familiari4e yourself "ith the concept of blocking and accepting$
Try a fe" of the games% ,8es! and, ,8es! but, ,7veraccepting,! and so on$ 3t helps to demonstrate them
first "ith someone in the group "ho has improv e(perience or is naturally gifted at it$ Well! "e are all
naturally gifted at it$ What 3 mean is someone "hose natural gift for improv is relatively intact$
Another concept Fohnstone discussesses is status! "hich of course is an obvious characteristic of the
classroom and the academic "orld in general$ 8ou can read aloud sections on status from Fohnstone2s
book and try some of his e(ercises$ :aster*servant scenarios are fun$ 8ou might also talk about some
of the body cues and verbal cues "e use to convey status! and ask people to become a"are of them in
their conversations$ )tage some conversations bet"een t"o people "ith everyone else "atching! and
see ho" many status cues you can recogni4e$
We played a great status game from Impro called the Hat 6ame$ 1our people "ear hats labeled "ith
numbers% ;! =! >! and @! "hile the others "atch$ .umber ; is the bossE he or she can order the others
around! manage them! yell at them! or at the most e(treme! take their hats off and thro" them at their
feet$ Do not thro" them far a"ay! as it breaks up the scene$# .umber = can do the same to > and @!
"hile > can only to it to @! the lo"est in the hierarchy$ .umber ;2s favorite target is number =! of
course! "hile > and @ are usually but not al"ays# beneath his notice$ These four people are a team
trying to accomplish a given task! such as ,find Lisa2s "allet$,
)ince > and especially @ are &uite po"erless! their -ob is to covertly resist by inventing problems and
passing them up the hierarchy! by being la4y! and by pretending to be stupid$ They cannot overtly
disobey though! because they are afraid of punishment the humiliation of having their hat thro"n on
the floor#$ .umber ; "ants to achieve the ob-ective! but e&ually important is to constantly establish his
or her authority$ To do this he<she can2t humiliate = too much! so that = loses authority in the eyes of >
and @! only enough to establish that he is top dog$ Here is a typical scene%
;% 7kay! listen up guys$ We have to find Lisa2s "allet$ T"o! divide up the room "ith Three and 1our
and let2s start searching$
=% 8ou heard him! guys$ Three! you look under all the chairs$ 1our! you look inside the desks$
>% 1our! don2t -ust stand there! start looking$
@% Which side of the room should 3 start on?
>% 3t doesn2t matter$$$ oh! -ust start "ith the big desk$
;% T"o! "hy hasn2t anyone started looking yet?
=% We2re on it! sir9 Three! "hy haven2t you and @ started looking?
>% We are! "e are$ Hurry up! 1our9 1ound anything?
@% The desk dra"er is locked! sir$
>% to T"o# the desk dra"er is locked$
=% to 7ne# the desk dra"er is locked$
;% Well the "allet obviously couldn2t be there then! could it? angrily# Why is everyone still standing
around? thro"s T"o2s hat on the ground#$
=% Three! pick up my hat9 +ut it on my head$ And no" get your butts in gear$
>% 1our! ho" many dra"ers have you looked in? .one? Why not?9 thro"s 1our2s hat on the ground#
.o" pick that up and start looking$
=% Three! found anything under the chairs yet?
>% 32m getting to it! it2s -ust that 1our$$$
=% Let2s leave 1our out of it$ )he is in charge of the desks! 32m talking about the chairs$ 8ou mean to tell
me you haven2t even started to look yet? Thro"s >2s hat on the floor#
>% 1our! pick up my hat9 And help me look under these chairs$
;% T"o! all 32m seeing around here is fighting$ 8ou2re supposed to be managing these people$ Ho" hard
can it be? 3t2s -ust a very simple task$ Three and 1our have stopped searching to "atch "ith secret
delight as T"o gets in trouble$ 'ut no" 7ne turns to them$# Three! 1our! "hat do you think is so funny?
>% Ah! um$
;% thro"s both >2s and @2s hat on the ground#$
>% 1our! pick that up9
=% .o! not yet$ 8ou can pick up your o"n hat! >$ 'ut first listen to 7ne$
;% That2s right! Three! you2d better do "hat T"o says or you2re going to be demoted to 1our$
And so forth$ To anyone "atching! it soon becomes apparent "hy bureaucracies never get anything
done$ 3n the conversation after this hilarious activity! ask the group "hether they maybe see a little bit
of themselves in each of the four clo"ns$ /eplay the game again "ith a different ,task,$ E(periment by
assigning meek! deferential people to the role of number one! and more dominating people to number
four$
3 think it is a good idea for the four ,clo"ns, to meet beforehand to talk about ideas and get
comfortable "ith each other$ The Hat 6ame "orks on its o"n! but some of the other scenes re&uire a
little planning to set them up not to script them though#$
;H$ :editation! Creative 5isuali4ation! and Trance
These are activities that are totally inappropriate to the classroom9 Although 3 suppose classes on
Eastern religion often bring in an e(perience of meditation$# The reason they are usually considered
inappropriate is that they are not about receiving information$ They are intrinsically something "e have
to do for ourselves! and their success arises from our o"n internal resources$ They foster independence!
not the dependency of schooling$
The simplest "ay to start is "ith ten or fifteen minutes of silence$ 3f you have never led a meditation!
then good9 3t "ill probably be a"esome$ Don2t start thinking it is hard$ 3 "ould tell you ho" 3 lead it!
but 3 do it a different "ay every time$ Ho"ever! since "e have huge taboos against doing nothing and
"asting time! especially in a classroom "here "e are supposed to be productive! 3 suggest encouraging
the group to sit silently not doing anything productive! but -ust being$ 8ou could even introduce it as
simply as! ,We are no" going to spend ;A minutes -ust being$ Don2t try to do anything productive$ Fust
be "ith yourself$, 8ou may be surprised at ho" rich a conversation this generates$
Creative visuali4ation! populari4ed by )hakti 6a"ain in her book by that title! is a "ay to utili4e the
creative imaging po"er of the mind$ 3f you read 6a"ain2s book you2ll get lots of ideas$ 3 like to link this
activity to the idea that "e are the creators of our lives$ That again is the opposite of school2s message!
"hich is that life is about going through a curriculum laid out by others$ )chool is preparation for living
lives that are not our o"n$