Part 1: Style

The story is laid down with a good English overall. I can spot no relevant orthography
mistakes throughout all the eight chapters, the author makes use of diversified vocabulary to
avoid repetitions, and the semantics is quite good as well.
Grammar is fine, but there are some inconsistencies, mostly in the grammatical number,
that the author should fix.

He heard another ear wrecking squeals
(Remove the s in squeals)

Judging from the level of English proficiency the author has, I am sure this is just due to
distraction. Proofreading once or twice more will do the job.
No major mistakes in terms of syntax were made, but sometimes the grammatical tense is
often inconsistent, which is nuisance for the reader.
For example, the story is mostly narrated using the past tense, but occasionally some
sentences use the present for no reason.

Sehun hates those screaming voices
(Use the form hated)

While I praise the language, I have to be more critical on the formal aspects.
For example, the use caps-locked words to signal a loud voice might affect the readability
and sometimes it looks just irritating to the reader. Use italic types, instead.

Meaning to say, NO. DANCE. PRACTICE
(Meaning to say, no dance practice)

The author heavily makes use of special symbols such as tildes (~) and ellipsis (), which is
also a problem for readability. Most of the times they dont add anything to the content.
I would also reduce the occurrence of onomatopoeias, such as Awuuuuuuu, and use
meaningful expressions. Maybe replace it with just Aw, yeah!
Another horrible thing one should always avoid is bluntly describing what happens as if it
was a movie script. I hate when the narration goes like Calling: Baekhyun [] Call ended instead
of developing fully completed propositions, using normal narration.

Part 2: Narration

Reading through the initial three chapters, the first thing that jumps to the eye is the poor
introduction of characters.
I would rather suggest creating a scene in which two or more main characters interact with
each other, so that the author can add here and there some background details about their
personal lives and their relationships.

My name
1
is Oh Sehun, 17 years of age
2
.
Junior transferee student
3
here at School of Performing Arts Seoul
4

Here, the main chapter Sehun describes himself as if he was talking to the reader, when he is
supposed to do things. The narration slows down because he just seem to read aloud his ID card,
without the reader knowing what he is, where he is, what does the place look like, what he fells.
As I highlighted in the quote, that line is just enumerating name, age, profession and place of
living, sort of like a job interview. Its boring.
He even introduces his friends in a list, which is wrong on many levels.
The narrator should always add details based on events, never describe a list of characters
out of the blue like a sort of talent show presenter. This story seems to have a beginning only after
every character has been described.

No, I wont. I don't like eating cakes

Even after the story actually begins, we still have to deal with a poorly plotted line,
moistened with a lot of filling content and weird events.
Lets take this quote as an example.
I would like to beforehand point out that no one makes a cake for someone they like; its
awkward and its not feasible in real life because carrying a cake up to home is awfully
uncomfortable and nobody wants to make their crush uncomfortable.
Having said that, I am really disturbed by the reaction.
The author justifies this intense accumulation of awkward events using the excuse that the
boy has been harassed for years by overly attached admirers, which has led him to misogynist
tendencies and possibly a mild form of autism.
I dont buy it. Its just pretentious and boring.
I would advise finding a good reason for his popularity and mitigating the reaction of the
surrounding people. Maybe he is a good footballer and girl giggle at him when he passes by,
maybe hes a particle physicist and people respect him for that.
One should try to plot an interesting way to make interaction between the characters,
without anyone donating cakes to anyone. Its disturbing.

Another thing that makes me go mad is the shameless use of filling content.
Its fine to narrate everyday life, as long as one makes it to describe places or people, to add
precious details in the story, but the story events should always be linked to each other.
Take the first chapter as an example.
He is in the middle of an unspecified location of the campus, (I underline unspecified, as
the author doesnt describe a single feature of the surrounding environment), and then he meets
his friends who hold a nice conversation about school.
Well, this event ends in itself.
It doesnt add details; it doesnt interest the reader because its just a random piece of
everyday life of a random boy who goes to school.

Baekhyun took a seat beside Sehun, placing his tray on the spacious table
<<Can I sit here? >>
[] <<Aren't you going to eat that one? >>

This is a complete loss of a potential interesting story. Here you have two characters and one
asks to sit near the other one: this is a perfect way to open a scene.
When I started this piece, I was curious to see what the conversation would have added to
the plot, but then I realized that three unneeded character break into the conversation and one
asks a totally unrelated question about food.
One should develop these dialogues, turning filling content into an exciting dialogue, filled
with intense emotions and great revelations.

Evaluation

Grammar and orthography: 4/5
Style and formality: 2.5/5
Vocabulary: 3.5/5
Plot: 2/5
Narration: 2/5
Overall, this story has a value of 3/5.

Despite all the criticism I had to make, this story is above the average of a fan fiction. The
author has the basis for a good story, but they should remember to develop more the apparently
useless scene, giving them a reason to exist.
I hope this story can grow better and I hope my advices has been useful to fix the weak
points of the authors hard work.
Respectfully, Serena.