Dying of embarrassment: overcoming shyness

Do you perform required social tasks only when absolutely necessary? Do meeting, greeting, and
mixing with others make you feel apprehensive and self-conscious? If so, this class is for you. Stop
watching life from the sidelines! You'll learn a simple, proven, systematic method for dealing with a
variety of social situations. Gain new confidence and self-esteem, and find genuine enjoyment in
interacting with others.

Lessons
1. Understanding the problem
After getting some background for understanding the source and degree of your
fears, you'll explore some beginning steps for overcoming your social phobias.
2. Building a foundation for change
Find out how to take the first steps toward self-improvement using the three key
factors that result in positive changes and the Social Success Cycle.
3. The Social Success Cycle
Learn how to gain the courage needed to attend social functions, then learn
some strategies for handling potentially awkward situations you might
encounter.
4. Applying the model
Building on what you learned in Lesson 3, learn how to bolster your confidence
and manage apprehension when dealing with others.
5. Changing for good
Gain a better understanding of the concept of relapse and what to do to prevent
it. Learn the importance of a balanced lifestyle and develop skills for continuing
your growth beyond this course.
6. Where do I go from here?
Evaluate the progress you have made, and examine the options of professional
help and medication. You will also learn how to handle a potentially shy child.

Understanding the problem

After getting some background for understanding the source and degree of your fears, you'll explore some
beginning steps for overcoming your social phobias.
 

Giving fear a name

Real
Public speaking is the number one phobia in America. The common symptoms associated with Media
public speaking (cold sweats, dread, and avoidance) have a name: social anxiety. More than 15 Promo
million Americans experience similar reactions to a variety of social situations, exhibiting symptoms
of the third largest psychological problem in the United States.

Fortunately, there is a solution for this phobia. Through this course, you will learn to conquer your
fears of public speaking and social interactions through positive thinking and learning how to take
command of the situation.

Fear goes public

We're assuming that you enrolled in this course because you also are suffering from the effects of
social anxiety. Maybe you don't call it that. Maybe you say you're shy, bashful, or reticent, or like
the late great George Harrison, you are just quiet. As we go through this course, we will be using
the terms "shy" and "socially anxious" interchangeably. Regardless of what we call it, we don't have
to tell you how potentially crippling it can be. It fogs your mind, ties your tongue, and keeps you
home when you could be interacting with other people. It can even wreck families, ruin careers, and
can lead to a host of secondary problems such as depression and drug abuse. Worst of all, it robs
you of a sense of well-being.
Until relatively recently, social anxiety was an invisible epidemic. No one talked about it. Shy people
certainly were not inclined to bring it up -- further increasing their feelings of isolation and being
"weird." Even now, people with severe social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90 percent of the
time as "schizophrenic," "manic-depressive," "clinically depressed," "panic disordered," and
"personality disordered," among other damaging misdiagnoses.

The stigma surrounding social anxieties is lifting, thanks primarily to celebrities like Carol Burnet,
Johnny Carson, and recently Donny Osmond who have spoken candidly about the torment of being
socially anxious. With this openness has come the development and dissemination of improved
methods for dealing with the problem. Best of all, each success story has added new evidence to
the fact that the fear of social things can be overcome.

About this class

This class is a practical guide for improving your social effectiveness. Reading the lessons will get
you some progress toward where you want to be. But to gain even more from the program, you will
need to practice what you have learned.

We will begin by understanding more clearly what it means to be socially anxious. We will talk
about shyness as a kind of stress and some of the more common misunderstandings people have
about personal growth. The heart of the program is something called the Social Success Cycle.
You'll learn about each of the four principles of the cycle, the barriers to achieving each principle,
and how to remove these barriers. And in later lessons we will discuss the issue of relapse, the use
of medication, if needed, and other tips for staying on track.

What you learn in the lessons is just one part of the program. Some of the best ideas in the class
come from participants, like you, posting their ideas on the Message Board. We hope you will
regularly check what these other participants are saying as they move through the program. And
we hope you will take time to share some of your own insights or to seek clarification on points in
the lessons.

Think of this class as a journey of discovery and development -- a journey you are taking with a
community of learners interested in achieving the same things that brought you to the program.
Let's begin now with a better idea of shyness.

Types of shyness
 
One of the greatest tales of survival in expedition history is Sir Ernest Shackleton's 1914 voyage to
the Antarctic. After almost two years of unbelievable hardship including the lost of his only ship and
being stranded for months on a drifting ice floe, Shackleton returned safely to England without
losing a single member of his band of explorers.

Shackleton needed 28 men for the expedition. To recruit them he ran the following ad:

Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of
complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in
case of success.

Whether inspired by a spirit of adventure or driven by desperation, over a hundred men applied.
The criterion Shackleton used to narrow down the numbers was not technical talent. In fact, only
one member of the final group had any prior experience in dealing with sled dogs. Shackleton
selected the men on the basis of their optimism. To succeed, his crew had to consist of individuals
convinced they would prevail, no matter what.

Optimism is an essential ingredient for any journey of personal growth, but unbridled optimism can
lead to recklessness. It is important, therefore, to have realistic expectations about the process of
change. How much time and energy you will need to expend to put shyness behind you depends
on how far you want to go, where you begin, and how much of a problem shyness has been for
you. As we mentioned earlier, millions of people report difficulties with social situations. Within
these millions, there are vast differences. This matrix provides a view of some of the different facets
of shyness. Let's begin by considering the two dimensions of shyness.

Two dimensions

There are two dimensions to consider in sizing up your shyness. Each of these dimensions can be
considered in terms of a question.

1. In how many situations do I find myself having difficulty?

2. How much distress do I experience in these situations?

The first dimension deals with the number of situations that you find difficult. Some people have
difficulty with just a few social settings. Other are troubled by a multitude of situations.

The second dimension focuses on the intensity of stress and emotional discomfort you experience
when your shyness is acting up. Different situations evoke different levels of discomfort. Think of
intensity of discomfort as ranging along a ten-point continuum. A 9 or 10 on this scale would
indicate a high level of distress. A 3 or 4 would indicate only mild distress.

Situational shyness

You are situationally shy if you have difficulty in just a handful of social events. Charles, for
instance, has a problem with family reunions. In other social situations at work or among his own
friends, he has no difficulty at all. Charles' shyness is situational.

Charles' situational shyness could be either mild or severe depending on the intensity of the stress
he experiences in the situation.

Certain life events are common causes of situational shyness. For instance, don't be surprised if
your outgoing nature changes to feelings of uneasiness and self-consciousness following any of
these live events: relocation to a new community; divorce or separation; promotion at work.

Chronic shyness

Charles and his sister, Stephanie, are very different. For Stephanie, a family gathering is the only
place where she feels comfortable.

She finds almost every other social experience to be at least a minor challenge.

Stephanie's experience of shyness would place her in the chronic side of the matrix. Whether her
shyness should be called mild or severe depends again on the intensity of distress and emotional
and behavioral impairment she experiences.

Social anxiety disorder

There is a special case of social anxiety that needs to be discussed. Some individuals find
themselves regularly experiencing intense distress in a wide range of social situations. This
combination of intense distress and the frequency occurrence is an indication of a possible clinical
diagnosis called social anxiety disorder.

In her book, Painfully Shy, Barbara Markway lists four criteria that must be met for a clinical
diagnosis of social anxiety disorder.

1. Show significant and persistent fear of social situations in which embarrassment or rejection
 may occur.
2. Experience immediate anxiety driven, physical reactions to feared social situations.
3. Realize that his or her fears are greatly exaggerated, but feel powerless to do anything
about them.
4. Often avoid the dreaded social situation -- at any cost.

You can check out more of what Dr. Markway has to say about social anxiety disorder by referring
to pages 14 and 15 in the first chapter of her book.

If you feel you meet these criteria, you may want to seek out a trained mental health practitioner
who can review your circumstances. Only a trained mental health professional can tell you whether
or not the extent of your difficulties with shyness merits this diagnosis.

Although the principles presented in the following lessons apply to all types of anxiety, people with
social anxiety disorder may choose to seek out a trained professional to provide ongoing guidance
and support and in some instances prescribed medications. Not everybody needs counseling or
medications.

We will discuss the value of professional counseling and medication in the final lesson. But for now
let’s emphasize that an arsenal of new tools are now available that can significantly accelerate your
success in mastering social anxiety. Counseling and medication are powerful interventions that can
put a permanent end to the pain and loneliness of shyness. You may not need counseling or
medication, but we hope you will be open to the possibility of accessing these tools if they seem
appropriate to your unique circumstances.

The interaction of the scales of frequency and discomfort will give you a ballpark idea of what you
are up against in bringing around personal change. How steep the learning curve will be for you will
depend on a number of factors including the amount of anxiety you are experiencing, the number of
situations that you find difficult, and the length of time that social anxiety has been a concern to
you.

For instance, if you feel that you are mildly shy in a handful of situations, you can count on relatively
quickly gaining some significant improvements by focusing on these few situations.

If, on the other hand, you have had a long career of severe shyness in a host of situations, your
journey will be longer. But don't be dismayed. We would like you to meet someone whose character
will inspire you. We all need role models.

Committing to change
 
Always remember that people and lives change. Life and everything about life is a work in
progress. Planet Earth, the stars, the universe -- what we all share in common is our
impermanence. Nothing is fixed. Everything is moving, going somewhere, changing.

Most importantly, you change. Yesterday, there were certain things you couldn't do. Today is about
making new choices. Five weeks, five months, five years -- who cares how long it takes? What's
important is you have started. You are on your way to creating a whole new way of being in your
world.

The difference between "no" and "not yet"

In public speaking workshops, instructors sometimes divide the class into two groups. Both groups
are asked the same couple of questions. One half can only respond "no," regardless of how they
feel about the questions. The other half can only respond "not yet."

Instructors ask questions like "Are you respected and admired by all who know you?" and "Have
you achieved all that you have wanted to achieve in your life?" One side answers "No." The other
side responds "Not yet." Later the group discusses which response is preferred. "Not yet" wins out
every time. There is a ring of finality to "no." But "not yet" holds promise.

Let’s try this right now.

Pick any one of the social things you currently find difficult: attending a happy hour after work;
carrying on light conversation with someone on an elevator; going through a job interview; asking
someone out. Pick any one thing you find difficult.

Here's our question: "Can you comfortably ______?" (Fill in the blank with the one social item you
find the most difficult.)

Now respond. But don't say "No." Rather, respond with "Not yet."

Instructor: Can you comfortably attend a happy hour after work?

You: Not yet.

Instructor: Can you comfortably carry on light conversation with someone on an

elevator?

You: Not yet.

"Not yet" has the sweetness of momentum. It says you may not be there, but you are definitely on
your way.

A pivotal scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is when the friendly giant, Hagrid, says to
Harry, "You're a wizard Harry." Abused and neglected his whole life, Harry responds, "I'm a what?"
He hasn't a clue that he possesses special qualities. He has no notion of his true potential. Like
Harry, you may reject any suggestion that there is anything remarkable about you. But do you really
know? Who's to say what latent capabilities within you have been held back by inhibition, self-
doubt, and fear. As in Harry, there's more magic in you than you may have ever imagined.

Begin your journey now by replacing "no" with "not yet" whenever you think of how social anxiety
has limited you.

The learning community

The experience of shyness can be torturous and frightening. The good news is that more is known
today than ever before about the problem and how to fix it.

In the following lessons we have compiled the latest and the most practical and proven methods for
finding rapid and lasting relief to your shyness. This is more than a course of study. In taking this
program, you are joining a community of learners seeking a healthier and happier way of being in
the world. Our common bond is a sincere spirit of compassion and mutual support. Please join this
wonderful community as we move to our next lessons.

Moving forward

This lesson acquainted you with some beginning exercises for overcoming your social fears.
You’ve learned about the different kinds and intensities of these phobias, and how to work toward a
more social self by saying “not yet” instead of “no.”

Lesson 2 will help you understand your fears and provide suggestions for getting past them. We will
address the quest for self-improvement and discover the three key factors that result in positive
changes.

Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take the quiz for this
lesson, then head over to the Message Board to introduce yourself and meet your instructor and
fellow classmates.

Assignment #1
Practice asking yourself if you're ready to embrace certain social situations that make you
uncomfortable. If you're not ready, say "not yet." Visualize yourself accomplishing your goals and
remind yourself that you will eventually get to that point. Stay positive -- this is a journey that takes
time.

Quiz #1
Question 1:
Social anxiety is the third largest psychological problem in the United States.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 2:
Everyone with a social phobia needs counseling and medications.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 3:
It is normal to feel shy and unsure of yourself following a life-changing event.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 4:
People with severe social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90 percent of the time as "schizophrenic," "manic-
depressive," "clinically depressed," "panic disordered," and "personality disordered," among other damaging
misdiagnoses.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 5:
Chronic shyness is the same as situational shyness.
A) True
B) False
 

Building a foundation for change

Find out how to take the first steps toward self-improvement using the three key factors that result in positive
changes and the Social Success Cycle.
 

Understanding the problem

Imagine going an entire day without any apprehensive feelings about being Do some prep work
around people. One whole day where you are free to meet and mix with people
and truly enjoy the company of others. Imagine that freedom continuing into Prepare yourself for anxiety-
another day and each succeeding day until you have created a lifestyle of inducing situations like
social confidence and competence. interviews and networking
events by preparing
discussion points and topics.
This course can help you make that dream become a reality. Admitting that you
have a problem is a big step, one you shouldn't be ashamed to have taken.
Good for you!

There aren't a lot of benefits to being socially challenged. To be socially

challenged is to be burdened with unpleasant feelings, negative and
pessimistic thoughts, and self-conscious behavior. To be socially challenged is »  HP 5000 series desktop
to wage a private war with your impulses. It is no exaggeration to say that when PCs
you are socially challenged, social acts are acts of courage. Our message to
you is to lose your courage. Lose the bravery you have to muster each time
you meet someone new, go to a party, or carry on a conversation. Replace
your terrified fortitude with a focused plan of action. The first step is to
understanding what you are up against.

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Bob is socially challenged. He manages a small group of claims
writers. Each month, all the managers get together for happy  
hour after work. As the event draws near, Bob begins to sleep
poorly. He feels gloomy and depressed and is distracted and
irritable with his family. "Will I do all right?" Bob asks himself. "Will
I say something stupid? Will they see how nervous I am? Will
they think less of me? Will I embarrass myself?"

To look at Bob's sweaty palms, rapid heart rate, and general state of
nervousness, you would think he was preparing to face some type of life-
threatening situation. And in his mind, he is. Bob's concern is not with saving
his life, but with saving face. Bob is fearful for his self-image and his public
image. Three fatal fears are controlling and constraining Bob's freedom to
interact effectively with others. Let's look at these fears.

Fatal fear #1: fear of failure

The fear of failure is the fear of not meeting your own or others' expectations of
you. As a socially challenged person, you look at social situations as if they
were some type of final exam. You never feel you've studied enough or know
enough to pass the test. You don't consider that you may be underestimating
your own abilities and/or overestimating the difficulty of the test questions. Nor
do you consider that no one judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.

Fatal fear #2: fear of rejection

The fear of rejection is related to the fear of failure. Rejection is like flunking the
course, and flunking makes you feel left out. Belonging is a very primal need.
To have people think less of you -- to be off the team and out in the cold -- is a
frightening thought. But just as the fear of failure is a result of miscalculating
abilities and requirements, the fear of rejection is an exaggeration of
consequences.

Fatal fear # 3: fear of discomfort

The fear of discomfort is the fear of negative emotions. Socially challenged

persons fear the intensity and consequences of fear. Nobody likes to feel fear,
disappointment, despair, or anxiety. Everyone has some degree of
apprehension in certain social situations. As a socially challenged person, you
imagine that your feelings are going to overwhelm you. These feelings then
interfere with your ability to interact.

The three fatal fears act like dictators, ruling your entire physiological response.
They sap your energy, preoccupy your mind, and prevent you from being
spontaneous in social situations. They can even prevent you from attempting to
overcome them. It's like running a marathon with a sack of wet sand strapped
to your back. The three fears put you at a disadvantage, and often compound
the imagined liabilities with the real one of anxiety.
Consider what might happen if Bob instead faced the happy hour with more
optimism for his success and less concern over the consequences of not
succeeding. "I may not do so badly. They won't notice I'm nervous. Even if I do
mess up a bit, it won't be so bad. It is safe." His feelings and his performance
would be very much different than they are now. Of course, Bob can't change
what he believes overnight. Neither can you. But you can change over time.

The goal is to turn down, turn off, or redirect the natural impulse for self-
preservation, to put it in perspective for the social situations in which you find
yourself. We will show you exactly how to do this. First, let's take a closer look
at stress -- our instinctive drive to stay alive.

The anatomy of interpersonal stress

 
Excavation for a new building halted in downtown Austin, Texas, when workers
unearthed a mastodon bone. The local newspaper ran a story with the
headline: "Relic of a Bygone Age." An equally ancient relic of a bygone age
emerges regularly in each of us. When we are stressed, the changes that occur
in our bodies are identical to the changes that took place in primitive men and
women when they found themselves at risk.

Stress is the ability and energy each of us have to deal with a threat or
challenge. All stress episodes have the same four components. There is
always a trigger: Some event or thing or person that sets the stress reaction in
motion. Triggers are neutral. They don't, by themselves, mobilize a stress
response. It is the interaction of triggers with thoughts and perceptions about
the triggering events that activate physiological changes. With these changes --
increasing heart rate, respiration, and glandular secretions -- the whole body is
immediately poised and ready to respond. Classic flight/fight response typically
involves freezing in place, escaping, or dealing with the threat.

As a socially challenged person, your primal instinct for self-defense and self-
preservation is operating as it should be. It's just that the socially challenged
person responds at the same life-or-death level that our primitive ancestors
did.

The trigger: an invitation to a cookout

Let's look at an example of a potential trigger for a stressful situation: an

invitation to a cookout. Here we will compare Jan, who feels comfortable in
social situations, and Monica, who is socially challenged.

Jan's thoughts: "Oh boy! I love cookouts. It'll be great to relax and spend some
time with friends and meet new people."

Monica's thoughts: "Uh-oh. What am I going to do? I guess it would be fun, but
I hate standing around engaging in small talk, especially with people I barely
know."

Jan's reaction: excitement, anticipation, enthusiasm.

Monica's reaction: worry, tension, dread, reluctance.

Jan's behavior: She arrives early, moves around, interacts spontaneously with
several people, and initiates conversations with friends as well as strangers.
She meets strangers through mutual acquaintances, approaching them herself,
or being receptive when they approach her.

Monica's behavior: She flip-flops about attending, or possibly avoids the

situation completely. If she attends, she stays in one small area, talks only if
spoken to, and leaves early.

The same trigger elicits two markedly different responses. Jan and Monica are
both having a stress reaction. Jan's stress is positive energy. It propels in her a
particular strategy of "playing to win." She is intent on connecting with others,
expanding her network, and making the most of this social opportunity.
Monica's stress experience is negative energy. The strategy she is motivated
toward is slightly different -- she's "playing not to lose." She is intent on limiting
her losses, protecting herself from the risks, and playing it safe to minimize her
fears of failure, rejection, and discomfort.

The tragedy of this story is that because Jan's reaction was so positive and she
was not burdened with worry about what the other people thought of her, she
was perceived more positively by the people at the cookout. Monica, in trying to
protect herself from humiliation and distress, probably made a less favorable
impression. This can create a difficult cycle, which can make the fear harder to
overcome next time. Once she realizes she is doing this (as you have done!)
she can take steps to modify her responses.

Breaking down a stressful situation into its components will highlight the
interplay of the four components (more on this in Lesson 2) and reveal what is
happening within you as you experience the anxiety of socializing. Knowing
that your own stress in a socially challenging situation can be analyzed this way
will help you learn various options for dealing with the stress.

For instance, Monica might replace the negative thoughts she has about
attending the cookout with more constructive expectations about herself and
the event. She could also call upon techniques for breathing or relaxing to deal
directly with the physical tension in her body. She might anticipate the types of
exchanges she is likely to run into and rehearse these mentally. Any of these
alternatives could bring some relief and give her a sense of control over the
situation.

However, in order to make any of these changes, Monica first needs to

acknowledge how she is currently dealing with social situations. Most people
have misconceptions about personal growth and improvement. We will share
with you some truths and warn you of some myths about successful change.

Some truths about self-improvement

 
Most people sabotage their efforts at personal change with unrealistic ideas
and expectations regarding a personal change project. It's comparable to the
instantaneous results expected from a miracle diet. Let's look first at some
truths, then examine some commonly held misconceptions.

Truth #1: things are the way they are because they got that way.

Truth #1 reminds us that the good and the bad things affecting the quality of
our lives don't just happen. They are the predictable results of cause-and-effect
events.
Charlotte blames the extra weight she has gained and her bouts with
depression on bad luck. Here's a snapshot of what's been happening in her
life.

Charlotte feels so awkward at her neighbor's Christmas party that

she leaves early. She walks through the front door of her home
and immediately feels hungry. She snacks on a piece of cold
pizza. She eats too big a dinner. She sits down to watch a TV
program. She feels bored and lonely. She walks into the kitchen,
opens the pantry, and eats three of the kids' cookies. She feels
guilty. Then she eats five more cookies. She goes to bed
depressed and angry at herself and her neighbor.

Charlotte is not the victim of bad luck or fate. What's happening in her life is the
work of the immutable forces of cause and effect. Charlotte is reaping what she
sows -- in this case, a weight problem due to using food to comfort her in times
of anxiety. If she believes the weight just fell on her with no participation on her
part, she will not be able to take responsibility for her self-destructive actions
and reverse the process. The same is true for you. Where you are, what you
have, and who you are are not accidents. Life events and life choices brought
you to this point in your life. This is good news. You can influence the events in
your life. You can determine where you go from here. It's up to you. You are in
charge of your own life.

Truth #2: unless things change, they stay the same.

There's an old song that goes "Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying --
you will be his."

That may work in a song, but not in real life. (To be fair, the song says it won't
work that way, either.) Assume that Charlotte is really, really sick and tired of
going to bed every night depressed and angry. Her feelings, no matter how
intense, won't change a thing. Feelings themselves have never changed
anything. Feelings linked to actions, on the other hand, can work wonders. If
you are not happy with being socially challenged, your dissatisfaction alone will
change nothing. Truth #2 reminds us that if we keep doing what we are doing,
we will keep getting what we are getting. Madness, a wise man once said, is
doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Truth #3: some things we can change, but we think we can't; some things
we can't change, but we think we can.

Truth #3 reminds us to choose our battles wisely. Conserve your energy. Don't
waste your efforts on things beyond your control. On the other hand, be
persistent in changing those things that are within your control. Take the time to
really define what is and is not within your reach. Look again at the snapshot of
Charlotte's life and the points along that chain of events where she could do
something differently. Changing even one thing -- for instance, she could take a
walk rather than watch TV -- could yield a completely different outcome for
Charlotte. She can't control her appetite, but she could satisfy it with less
fattening snacks until she has, in other ways, curbed her need to comfort
herself by snacking.

Understanding these three truths will help you on your journey of change.
However, you should also be aware of four commonly held misconceptions,
which will be discussed next.

Myths about the quest for self-improvement

 
The myth of uniqueness

This is the belief that you have been singled out for a difficult life. Everybody
else seems to have everything together and is sailing smoothly. The truth is
that nobody is exempt. Everybody is dealing with something. Everybody is
trying hard to hide it. Don't make matters worse for yourself by falling for this
myth. Accept that you are one of the crowd -- someone you know well may
have the same fears as you. And if you are both struggling to hide your fears,
you won't be able help or comfort each other.

The myth of the quick fix

Don't expect to find quick relief for your dissatisfaction with social activities. The
negative feelings, thoughts, and behavior that go along with being socially
challenged are habits. Habits are well-rehearsed, comfortable patterns that
have persisted for some time. Don't get impatient if things don't turn around
quickly. Putting pressure on yourself to be "fixed" right away will just compound
your anxiety, not relieve it.

The myth of no sweat

Not only do we all want quick solutions -- we want painless ones as well. But
there is a price attached to anything you add to your life. Becoming more
socially outgoing will mean leaving your comfort zone, but it will eventually
expand that comfort zone. You are going to feel some stress as you face your
fears and try on new behaviors. We will show you how to keep your steps small
so that the climb is not too overwhelming.

The myth of permanence

Everybody has good intentions when embarking on a program of change.

Sticking with it is the hard part. When you relapse, you temporarily return to the
familiar way of doing things. Relapses are common and inevitable. Don't let
them discourage you, and especially do not let them make you feel as if you
have failed. The key is learning from the relapse and returning to your change
program. Accepting the natural occasional mistake is actually part of the
process of letting go of Fatal Fear #1: Fear of Failure.

Now that we have covered these important concepts about change, let's look at
the three keys to achieving durable change.

The three keys: motivation, precision, and practice

 
Motivation

Motivation answers the simple question, "Why change?" Having a clear and
compelling reason to change will energize your efforts. Change is difficult. It's
scary and it takes work. You must be convinced that what you gain exceeds the
price you will have to pay. Motivation can be distilled into pushes and pulls.
Pushes are the things that change will rid from our lives. Pulls are the things
that we want to bring into our lives.

For instance, Bob, whom we met earlier, might have the following pushes and
pulls:

Pushes: "Mostly, I want to not feel uptight. I also want to stop the
irritability and unpleasantness that I create with my family when I
am nervously anticipating a social event."

Pulls: "I want the freedom to go or not go without having my

decision made for me by my emotions. I want to attend more
social events."

Now you try it. In one column, list the negative things that will persist if you
don't change. These are your pushes. Then list the positive things that will be
yours when you improve. These are your pulls.

Precision

Precision answers the question, "Change what?" Following is a list of some of

the more common social situations people encounter. Go through the list and
make note of all that apply. Then return to the list and see if you can pull out
the top five situations that apply to you most often.

Where are your hot spots?

Identify any of the following situations that tend to cause you difficulty.

Being introduced to someone, introducing myself, or introducing someone I

know to another person
Expressing my opinions; talking about myself and my interests
Talking to people in authority (supervisors, teachers, doctors)
Meeting people for the first time
Attending a social event where most of the people are strangers
 Speaking up in a group situation
Talking on the phone, especially with people I don't know
Talking to someone I am attracted to
Being around very popular, powerful, or attractive people
Going out alone
Trying to keep a conversation going
Being left alone with a new friend or date
Getting ready to go out somewhere
Receiving a compliment
Meeting a new boss or supervisor
Speaking in front of more than one or two people
Starting a new job
Trying to get to know someone better
Riding on the bus or airplane
Making eye contact
Preparing to be evaluated
Hosting a party
Spotting an acquaintance in a public place
Being on a date

Practice

The third key is practice. Practice answers the question, "How do I do it?"
Nothing happens without practice. Successful practice requires a special,
dedicated mindset. Let's call it the Explorer Mindset. The best explorers make
their discoveries with open, non-judgmental minds. When they report on their
findings, they describe rather than evaluate. That's the approach that will work
best for you as you try new behaviors in new situations.

Let's look now at the Social Success Cycle.

Introduction to the Social Success Cycle

Someone once asked formula race car legend Richard Petty, "Mr. Petty, how is  
it that race after race you always finish first?" Petty's answer epitomizes both
brevity and wisdom: "First finish."

Pay attention to the basics. That's the key to success. Do those few things that
are fundamental and do them very well. We have identified for you the essence
of what makes outgoing people socially successful.

Your first reaction may well be, "It can't be that simple." But it is precisely the
simplicity of this model that makes it work. One of the biggest problems for
socially challenged individuals is being overwhelmed by choices, perceived or
real. They flounder, not knowing what to do, and choose an action hastily just
to have chosen and gotten it behind them. Social success is not that
complicated. The key is to focus on the essentials -- the core elements.

American engineers in WWII tried to solve the problem of too few bombers
returning safely to base. They wanted to add more protective sheet metal to the
planes but couldn't decide where best to put it. They decided to examine the
pattern of hits on the planes that did make it back, and decided to add metal to
the bottom of the cockpit. As long as bombers remained intact in this area, they
could continue to fly, even if they took hits in many other areas. An intact
cockpit was the critical success factor. The same can be said about your
success as a social person. Do just a handful of things right, and you will shine
socially. The added confidence will bolster your successes in the future.

The Social Success Cycle represents the handful of steps critical to success in
social situations. Let's look at the model now.

1. Show up

Before social interaction can occur, you must arrive at a place where other
people are gathered. Unless you present yourself to other people, nothing else
will happen. Start slow and easy, with people you know well, adding one
element that was absent before.

2. Start something

Once you are at the social activity, the next critical stage is making initial
contact with some individual or individuals at the event. Unless this happens,
you are not really interacting.

3. Stay awhile

To really reap the benefits of social contact, you must stay in a given exchange
for some period of time. This requires maintaining dialogue with another person
or persons. Find a topic you are very comfortable talking about and start there.

4. Disengage

Unless you want to spend all your time with one individual or group, you will
need to develop the skills of moving from one contact to another. Don't worry
about seeming rude; just put yourself in the other person's shoes and imagine
how your words would affect you.

Moving forward

This lesson helped you understand your fears and provided suggestions for
getting past them. We addressed how to take the first steps toward self-
improvement, discovered the three key factors that result in positive changes,
and evaluated the Social Success Cycle.

In Lesson 3 we will examine the barriers that can keep you from moving
through the Social Success Cycle.

Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.

Assignment #2
If you haven't been doing it all along, go back and make the lists that were suggested in the lesson.
Think honestly about which specific situations make you anxious, and what exactly you fear will be the
repercussions of your participation. You don't have to share these answers with anyone else, so you
can be totally honest. If you can't admit your own feelings to yourself, you can't address them later.
Write up a scenario -- a past real-life one or a made-up one -- with you as the star. Write it to reflect your
current fears. Then apply some of the changes we have suggested and write it as you would wish it
would go.

Quiz #2
Question 1:
Which of the following is not a fatal fear?
A) Fear of failure
B) Fear of success
C) Fear of rejection
D) Fear of discomfort
 
Question 2:
This is the belief that you have been singled out for a difficult life.
A) Myth of the quick fix
B) Myth of permanence
C) Myth of no sweat
D) Myth of uniqueness
 
Question 3:
Stress is the ability and energy each of us have to deal with a threat or challenge.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 4:
Pulls are the things that change will rid from our lives. Pushes are the things that we want to bring into our lives.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 5:
One of the biggest problems for socially challenged individuals is being overwhelmed by choices, perceived or
real.
A) True
B) False
 

The Social Success Cycle

Learn how to gain the courage needed to attend social functions, then learn some strategies for handling
potentially awkward situations you might encounter.
 

Step 1: show up
 
The first step to becoming less socially challenged is being where other people
are. Nothing happens until you show up. You can wish you were more sociable.
You can dream about all the good things that will be yours when you improve
your skills for dealing with people. You can pump yourself up with all kinds of
motivational ideas and ideals. Nothing will change until you are in the presence
of other people. What you are up against is a self-perpetuating cycle of
avoidance. Each time you avoid, you strengthen the habit of avoidance. This
first step in the Social Success Cycle has only one purpose: getting you there.
We will deal with what happens after you get there later.

It's seven o'clock. The social will start in about 20 minutes. Sarah
is in her room on the fifth floor. The social is on the third floor. It's
so close, she can faintly hear the party banter through the poorly
insulated walls. She could walk down the two flights without
getting winded. It's so close, and yet it might as well be 500 miles
away -- because she can't bring herself to go. She reaches for
the phone, hoping to get the answering machine, and calls the
host. "Bob, I wanted to let you know I am going to be taking a rain
check on the get-together tonight. Thanks for the invitation. I'll
catch you in the morning."

Fear, not distance, lies between Sarah and this opportunity to be with others.
"It's not safe." The three fatal fears are working on keeping Sarah in her room.
"I'm really too tired. What would I wear? I won't know anyone there. I really
have some work to do and I've got that early flight in the morning." There are
ways to break out of the self-consciousness, nervousness, and fearfulness that
cause avoidance or makes you freeze up in social situations. We want to arm
you with some powerful tools to make this break.

Snuff out the fear

The fear of social things often takes the form of "What if?" thinking. "What if I
blush?" or "What if I stumble over my words?" The key is to safeguard your
confidence by snuffing out your fear as soon as you feel it. You do this by
reducing the scope of the danger with two punches: 1) Tell yourself that what
you fear may not happen 2) Tell yourself that if it does happen, it won't be so
bad. One of your "what ifs" might be, "What if my hands start to shake?" Your
first punch is, "My hands usually don't shake." Your second punch is, "Most
people won't notice. If they do, I can survive that." Develop the habit of
assertively disputing "what if" with "maybe not" and "so what?"
Pace yourself

Set limits on what you are willing to do. For instance, determine ahead of time
how long you intend to stay. I will stay no less than 45 minutes at this event.
Quantify the number of people you wish to meet. I will meet no less than five
people. Set reasonable targets at first, and raise them gradually as your
competence and confidence grows.

Visualize your performance

Before the event, find some time to close your eyes, relax, and run through a
best-case scenario of how you envision the event unfolding, not how you fear it
will occur. See yourself arriving, making your first contact, moving about, and
finally making your exit. Try to keep it simple so you can show yourself how
easy it looks.

Rebut your buts

In his book Feeling Good, psychologist David Burns talks about the normal
human tendency to alibi our way out of confronting things that make us
anxious. One way of combating this tendency is to rebut the logic of the alibis
with an alternative perspective.

The But: "I would go, but I don't have a thing to wear."

Rebuttal: "Actually, I think it's informal, so I have several things I

think will be fine."

The But: "I would go, but, I'm really too tired tonight."

Rebuttal: "I am a little tired, but I bet the stimulation of being with
others will really energize me."

Notice the change of tense from "I would go" -- which gives you an automatic
"but" without even trying -- to "will be fine" or "will energize me," as in definite
things that will occur. Even changing how you talk to yourself can help you
eliminate the option to flake out of the event. Alibis are tricks of the mind. They
give you permission to take the easier path. Each time you go with your alibi,
you strengthen the constriction that fear has on your freedom to choose. Each
time you expose the "buts" for what they are, you loosen the grip that stress
holds on you.

The buddy technique

Here's a way of guaranteeing you'll know at least one person at a social event:
take someone with you. Bringing a friend provides you with an island of
familiarity you can swim back to when it feels like you're in over your head.

Everything in this section has been geared to one main thing: getting you there.
Showing up is stopping the destructive pattern of avoidance. Once you show
up, you open up a whole world of possibility. We will explore this world now as
we go on to talk about the second step: start something.

Step 2: start something

It doesn't matter that you paced around for hours, sweated profusely, or Refer to your notes
changed your mind three different times before doing it. The important thing is
you arrived. Congratulations! No one knows or needs to know how difficult it Keep your beacons stored in
was. You know you have achieved something, and that is enough. You can your handheld PC for easy
now avail yourself of all the good things that come from being with other reference before initiating a
people. And as an added bonus, you have broken the avoidance cycle. You conversation, and then store
have increased the likelihood that you'll attend the next social opportunity that the info of your new contact!
comes along.

What's it going to be like, now that you are here? If you ever tried stepping from
a pier or a bank into a small boat, you remember the complexity of that simple
feat. If the boat would just stay still, the whole thing would be a lot easier. But it
moves as you move, and from one moment to the next you don't know where
you are going to wind up. Starting a conversation from scratch is a lot like »  HP iPAQ 210 enterprise
stepping into a boat. Both involve a moving target. Both involve uncertainty. As handheld
you take the first nervous steps to meet someone, three questions are begging
to be answered: Who am I to you? Who are you to me? How will we be
together? You're auditioning for each other, interviewing each other in search
of common ground. However, there is no one right way to be or one right thing
to say.
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Expect nervousness. The other person is probably nervous too, even if he or
she does not appear to be so. Nervousness is like a deep fog, and it is easy to  
lose your way in a fog. A beacon can illuminate even in the densest fog. What
follows are seven beacons for staying on track when starting a conversation.
You may not care to use all of these suggestions. But with a full repertoire of
strategies at your command, you'll feel more confident and perform more
competently.
Beacon #1: organize your opening

Since the first moments at a gathering will probably be your most stressful, it's
wise to pre-plan the first few moments of an event. A planned opening will
make you more self-assured, and early successes will make you enjoy the
entire event much better.

Bob is attending an awards banquet. His plan looks like this:

I will walk in and approach a table where there are still remaining
seats.

ME: "Good evening, is anyone sitting here?"

THEM: "No. Please join us."

ME: "Thank you." While still standing, "My name is Bob Wilson,
how are you?" Shake each person's hand. Take a seat.

ME: "I assume you are all here for the conference tomorrow."

THEM: "Yes."

ME: "I'm really looking forward to it. The speaker is really terrific. I
have heard him before, and I thought his book was very good.
Have you read it?"

Additional possible topics and conversational leads:

ME: "I live in Austin. Where are you from?"

ME: "I'm really enjoying this hotel. Are you happy with your
accommodations?"

ME: "Who do you think will win the award?"

The downside of planning is if you plan too exactly, you will not be able to be
flexible if something interferes. Plan ahead, but don't micromanage. You will
learn how to modify your rehearsed bits to fit the ever-changing dynamic.
Remember the image of stepping into a boat. You should plan to put your right
foot on the rowing seat. But if the boat moves so that is not possible, it should
not keep you from modifying your plan of attack.

Beacon #2: start right away

Make a first contact as soon after arriving at an event as you can. The sooner
you can break the ice for the first time, the easier other contacts will be. Stand
near a high-traffic area. If the event features a buffet or beverage area, hang
out there momentarily to make your first contact. If everyone is already talking
with someone, don't worry about it. Just do a little of what I call "breaking and
entering." Here's how it works.

Breaking
The first thing you need to do to gain entrance to a small group that is already
engaged in conversation is get yourself noticed. Breaking involves standing on
the periphery of your target group's vision, and simply acting as though you
already belong. This means emulating the members' behavior. If someone is
telling a joke, you are as amused as anyone else. Nod your head and show
interest as if you've been with the group all night. Contribute when you can and
become incorporated as a participant, rather than an observer.

Entering

Entering a new group is like crossing a busy street. Wait for a gap in the traffic.
When you sense a lull or, more typically, when the group's body language
opens up a little to invite you in, say, "Hi, may I join you?" Now you are in and
you can introduce yourself and take it from there. Be alert in using this
technique -- do not interrupt anyone whose body language or tone of
conversation is a "Do Not Disturb" sign.

Beacon #3: be predictable

Many people hold the misconception that being themselves is dull. Actually, it is
more to your advantage to simply act natural. If you were to take a video
camera and record what transpires between two people at the beginning of a
social interaction, you would see the same pattern of events repeated every
time.

1. An exchange of looks as each person makes eye contact with the other.
2. A movement of the head such as a nod or a raising of eyebrows or
some other acknowledgment that says, "I see you."
3. A smile.
4. A greeting, such as "Hi."
5. An opening statement such as "My name is Bob. How are you today?"

The sequence is completely predictable. It's a routine that you and the person
you are meeting have grown to expect. When you do something too unusual
this early in the game, you elevate the other person's sense of uncertainty. So
don't rock the boat. Be conventional. Be natural. Be predictable.

Beacon #4: choose a theme

I am frequently asked, "What words should I use in getting started?" Your

opening can be around one of the following four themes: the setting, yourself,
the other, the purpose. In each theme, you could either ask a question or make
some type of declaration.

Setting

YOU: "Is that music really loud or is it just me?"

OTHER: "It sure is. Should we ask them to turn it down a little?"

Yourself

YOU: "I'm Bill Matthews, with the Nebraska office."

OTHER: "Hi Bill, I'm Gretchen. I work in the Santa Fe office."

The other

YOU: "I love that tee shirt. Have you been to Hawaii, or is that a
gift?"

OTHER: "Well, both. I went to Hawaii two years ago, but my

brother brought this back from his trip there this summer."

Purpose

YOU: "Our daughter is receiving one of the special certificates

this evening. We're so proud of her."

OTHER: "I bet you are. How old is she?"

As mentioned before, prepare your opening question or declaration. Have in

mind before you arrive what your theme will be and how you are going to open
a conversation.

People are always more comfortable talking about themselves than any other
thing, so this is a safe theme to go with. If you are feeling shy or unwilling to put
yourself forward, start by asking the others questions about themselves. Who
do they know here? What do they do? When they return the questions, you
already know the answers about yourself.

Beacon #5: be superficial

I saw a cartoon some years ago that pictured three people at a cocktail party.
One man is addressing the two others. The caption reads:

Tired of small talk, Robert tries big talk: "The worms of

melancholy are eating holes in my soul. How about you folks?"

Maybe your sister just got a DWI, your cat died, or your best friend ran off with
your boyfriend or girlfriend. None of this needs to find its way into the early
moments of a conversation. Start the process of sizing each other up with
topics that involve little risk. Safe, superficial topics are the fodder for this stage
in your development. More intimate revelations can come soon enough.

Superficial doesn't mean uninteresting. You can have a very stimulating first
few moments of conversation with someone without being too intimate too
early. Self-disclosure is the bridge to deeper levels of relating. To disclose too
much and too early is inappropriate and again tends to make your contact
anxious and therefore you less attractive. Avoid conversations that deal with
medical problems, family secrets, personal income, age, hot-button political
issues, and similar topics.

Beacon #6: try a little humor

You will be more nervous at the very beginning than at any time in the
exchange. The same is likely true for your conversation partner as well. One of
the best releases of tension is humor. A well-crafted, short one-liner is a great
way to break the ice and the tension. Of course, proper decorum must be
observed so as to not offend. Use this rule of thumb: If in doubt, do without.
Here's an example of something that might be said to start a conversation with
someone next to you at a banquet.
 YOU: "If they don't serve us soon, you're going to have to help
me drag in one of those vending machines from the lobby. I can't
do it alone."

OTHER: "Ha, ha. I'm not too strong but I can give you moral
support."

Don't worry if you are not a spectacular wit -- you are not auditioning for a
stand-up comedian's job. The point is to make some small talk and show that
you are feeling light-hearted and positive.

Beacon #7: don't forget your lines

We have encouraged you to come prepared. The more prepared you really are,
the more spontaneous you will seem. Don't forget what you've planned.
Rehearse your game plan not only before you enter the event, but also during
the early moments of arrival. Your agenda is a crutch that you will need only
temporarily. Once you have loosened up and become oriented, you can be
more extemporaneous.

Remember, getting a conversation started is a lot like boarding a small boat.

Now you're on board, and you are safely and comfortably seated in the boat.
You have started something. It is now time to push off and into the waters. In
the next chapter you will learn the art and science of keeping a conversation
going.

Step 3: stay awhile

One of the most common concerns for socially challenged people is keeping a  
conversation going. Small talk, chit-chat, shooting the breeze -- whatever you
choose to call it, few things have the power to win friends and influence people
like a gift for gab. The ability to carry on a conversation clearly distinguishes a
person as socially outgoing.

The Q.U.I.C.R. method

A good way to remember practically all the skills of conversation is to think of

the acronym Q.U.I.C.R. Here's what the letters stand for:

Q - Question

U - Understand

I - Initiate

C - Compliment

R - Respond

Questions

These come in two shapes: closed-ended and open-ended. Closed-ended

questions are the kind you can answer with a simple one- or two-word
response. Closed-ended questions resemble true/false or multiple choice
questions. Closed-ended questions begin with: Are you? When? Do? Where?
Who? Which? What?

For example: "Where are you from?" or "Do you like jogging?"

Open-ended questions are like essay questions. They require a more elaborate
response. Open-ended questions often begin with: How? Why? In what way?

For example: "How did you ever learn to enjoy jogging?" or "What
was it like living in Cleveland?"

Skilled conversationalists know how to blend both open and closed-ended

questions. Too many closed-ended questions in a row will make the
conversation feel like an interrogation.

Understanding

It's important to convey to the person speaking to you that you hear and
understand what he or she is saying. But beyond this, you want the other
person to feel that you are sincerely enjoying what he or she is saying. You
become attractive to the others to the extent you make other people feel they
are attractive to you. This skill requires three things:

1. Maintain eye contact

2. Move your head and keep expression in your face
3. Say things like, "Really?" "I see." "No kidding."

Paraphrase is another way of expressing understanding. This involves putting

what a person has just stated into slightly different words. Good paraphrase
beginnings are: "In other words . . ."; "So, what you're saying is . . ."; "I see, so .
. ." and "You mean . . . ."

Initiating

Initiating is the skill of volunteering information. There are two types of

initiating:

You can initiate facts:

"I'm a carpenter with N.P.C."

"We're buying a new Toyota that looks just like that one."

"Well, my mother and father are here for the summer."

Or you can initiate opinions and feelings.

"I prefer living downtown to living in the suburbs."

"I've never regretted dropping out of school."

"I really enjoy white wine with dinner."

Compliments
Paying compliments is a good way to add spark to a conversation. In paying
compliments, follow these guidelines:

Be specific about the person's behavior, appearance, or possessions.

"Those loafers really look sharp with your khaki pants."
Occasionally, it helps to say the person's name. "Alan, those loafers really
look sharp with your khaki pants."
Even better, follow up your compliment with a question. "Alan, those loafers
really look sharp with your khaki pants. Where did you get your flair for
fashion?"

When you are on the receiving end of a compliment, help the person who
compliments you feel glad he/she gave the compliment.

1. Look the person in the eye.

2. Smile.
3. Say "Thank you."
4. Comment on the compliment.

THEM: "That is a really great haircut."

YOU: (smiling and making eye contact) "Thank you. Actually, I

was afraid it was a little too short, but now I'm getting used to it.
It's very comfortable for this hot weather we've been having."

Respond

Respond with more than a few words to questions people direct to you. This is
the skill of elaboration and it is one of the most important of the conversation
skills. It is difficult for a conversational partner to have to draw you out.
(Imagine if you had to do it.) It's like having to carry on both sides of the
conversation -- and you thought only one side was bad!

Note the difference in the two examples given below:

No elaboration

THEM: "Do you like jogging?"

YOU: "Yeah."

Your conversational partner will feel awkward, and perhaps be worried that he
or she has inadvertently touched upon a topic that you are uncomfortable with.

With elaboration

THEM: "Do you like jogging?"

YOU: "Yeah, I do, but I didn't at first. When I first started it was
really hard."

You don't have to give an interview, but let the other person know (just as you
would wish to be informed) that the topic interests you and they have not
committed an accidental offense.
Remember the almost universal rule of civilization: We want to do unto others
as they do unto us. And we expect others to do unto us as we do unto them.
With regard to enhancing your appeal to another person, give back what you
are given. If someone shares something with you, where they work, family
composition, how they feel about something, you return the courtesy in like
manner. In fact, to not reciprocate is considered rude, and your acquaintance
might be left feeling awkward. Here is one example:

THEM: "I hope you don't mind my saying this, but I really hate
these company parties."

YOU: "Really? I used to feel the same way. Now I find I can relax
and really enjoy meeting new people."

Keep your distance

Our personal space -- that distance between ourselves and other people -- is
sacred. Be sensitive to this. People get tense when they feel crowded. In our
culture, the most comfortable distance from another is one arm's length. Get
closer than this and you violate the other's personal space. Too far back and
you appear out of range.

Shake your shakes

You may not be able to control the fact that you feel nervous, but you can
control the behavioral manifestations of nervousness. So watch out for the
things that reveal your apprehension. Let's start at the top of the body.

Eyes

Nervous eyes are eyes that don't look at the other person when he or she is
speaking. Keep your eyes on the speaker's eyes. If you are self-conscious
looking into another person's eyes, look at their eyebrow or the bridge of their
nose. Switch between left and right eyebrows just as you would switch while
looking directly into their eyes. It appears all the same to the other person. The
important thing is the perception of your attention. Nervous eyes are also
wandering eyes. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by people walking behind
or around the speaker. Making a good impression means showing the person
you are truly interested in them and what they are saying.

Speech

Nervous speech is speech that comes out too rapidly. Take a slow silent breath
before speaking and modulate your flow of words. Nervous speech is also
punctuated with excessive "Um's" and other extraneous fillers. Enlist your
spouse or a close friend to give you feedback on the frequency of these
distracting fillers.

Ears

Most people have a lot of trouble with forgetting names. The problem is that
most people don't enter names into their memories. Wait for the name. As you
approach an introduction, telling yourself, "Get the name. Get the name." When
you hear the name, repeat it internally. Try to also repeat it out loud in the
conversation.

THEM: "Glad to meet you. I'm Robert Collins."

 ME: "Robert, good to see you."

Nerves and self-consciousness will distract you, so be on your toes to not let
the name slip by. It isn't the end of the world to ask for a repeat of the name if
you have forgotten. You just make a better impression if you remember. If you
do forget, admit to your mistake and laugh it off -- the other person may have
forgotten your name as well, and will be relieved not to feel alone. It's a
common problem, especially in situations where people are meeting many
people at once. Definitely do not beat yourself up about it if you miss
someone's name.

Hands

Nervous hands are hands stuck deep in your pockets, jingling change or car
keys. Hiding your hands can make you appear untrustworthy and may make
others uncomfortable. Also, nervous hands fidget with pencils or other items
while speaking. Keep your hands still.

Legs

Nervous legs are constantly shifting weight from one leg to another or swaying
the body. Stand up straight. Stand in one spot. Stand comfortably and be
conscious of frequent changes in your posture. In theater, this is called holding
your ground. You may be nervous, but this is your spot of floor and no one can
take it from you.

Carry identification

You can bet that at some point early in a conversation you will be asked, "So,
what line of work are you in, Jeff?" You know it is coming and yet your answer
may be choppy and rambling if you are not prepared. Prepare your response in
advance with an answer as brief as the messages you find on billboards.
Here's an example.

OTHER: "So, what line of work are you in, Jeff?"

YOU: "Sales. You've seen books with spiral binding. My company

makes the binding, and I sell it. Last year our company made a
hundred million of these."

If your job is unusual or complex, rehearse a simple way to explain it, rather
than improvising analogies when your complicated official title does not do the
trick.

Be agreeable

We may have made tremendous strides in the fields of medicine,

telecommunications, and warfare, but we are still very old-fashioned when it
comes to human relations. The traditional values of politeness, common
courtesy, respect, and deference to each other are still in demand. Since both
you and the person you are meeting are seeking points of commonality, the last
thing you want is anything that might highlight differences. Be agreeable.
Confirm the other's observations on matters that you agree with.

OTHER: "This steak tastes like rubber."

YOU: "Yours too? I thought mine was the only one overcooked."
When you cannot agree with everything that is said, agree with some part of it.
Don't surrender your opinions and thoughts to the other's opinions, but don't be
immediately contrary while you are still getting comfortable on your patch of
ground.

OTHER: "Don't you agree we should stop bombing foreign

nations?"

YOU: "Sometimes it seems to be the only solution, but I know I'm

getting nervous with the way things are developing in our foreign
policy."

Take turns

Thanks to our parents, we've grown up with pretty clear notions of sharing in
most things. This spirit of equity extends to the issue of sharing airtime in
conversations. Especially in the opening moments of meeting someone, you
may feel compelled to fill gaps and pauses. This can lead to you dominating the
conversation. Taking turns means being conscious of the others' participation
and allowing equal time. It also means apologizing and yielding the floor when
a mishap occurs.

YOU: "I'm sorry. I cut you off there."

OTHER: "No, you go ahead."

YOU: "Please. Go ahead and finish your thought."

This section was designed to help build up your conversational competence

and confidence. The key is to come prepared. No one but you will know or
even suspect you have an agenda. Your plan will launch you into the event and
give you the momentum to be spontaneous until you are ready for the
conversation to come to a close. Which brings us to the last skill in the Social
Success Cycle: Disengage.

Step 4: disengage
 
Perhaps the most misunderstood conversational skills is the art of bringing a
conversation to a suitable close. Whenever you don't want to spend an
extensive period of time with just one person, or when there are others you
want to contact, gracious disengagement is a must. Generally, the main issue
in ending a conversation is a concern over hurting the other person's feelings or
embarrassing yourself by not doing it just right. You can minimize both of these
concerns with the following tips.

Soft landing

The most conventional conversation closer is the straightforward, "Well, it's

been nice speaking with you." You can take this one step further by working in
either a compliment or reference to something that came up in the
conversation.

Example 1:

THEM: " . . . So that's how we finally landed in Texas."

 YOU: "I really admire you for pulling up stakes like that. It takes
courage to do that. It's been a real pleasure talking to you."

Example 2:

THEM: " . . . So it is in the sauce."

YOU: "Well, I am definitely going to try that recipe. It sounds

terrific. If you'll excuse me . . . "

Going yonder

Another technique is the departure to another destination. This can be the

buffet line, the restroom, or just making a telephone call. In effect, what you
convey to the other is how much pleasure the conversation has been, but now
you need to attend to something. This technique is often used in tangent with
the Soft Landing.

YOU: "Bob, it has been great catching up with you. If you don't
mind, I am going to slip away for just a minute to make a phone
call/try out the buffet/whatever appropriate."

The hand-off

In ending a conversation you may not want to leave someone standing alone.
The hand-off is a technique for stepping out of a conversation by having a
successor to take your place. The way this works is to bring another person
into your current conversation, help them get comfortable, and then excuse
yourself. Do try not to make it look like you are hauling someone over to save
you. Just invite someone into the group in as natural a fashion as possible.

YOU: (as Bob walks by) "Bob, come here and meet someone."

BOB: "Hello. How are you two doing?"

YOU: "Fine. Bob, this is Greg. He just moved here from your
home state of Florida. He's interested in buying some property in
this area. I thought you might have some suggestions. I think you
two have a lot in common, so I'll excuse myself (to the phone, the
buffet, or whatever, for a nice touch)."

The final word

Closing a conversation too abruptly can leave the other person wondering if
they have said something that offended you in some way. Try to be sensitive to
this by ending the conversation when the ball is in your court. In other words,
make some final statement and then initiate the closing.

THEM: "So that's why I have siding -- I don't want to paint the
place every five years."

YOU: "You know, you are going to save a bundle, particularly if

you live there for awhile. Listen, it has been great talking with
you. . ."
Give fair warning

Giving an early alert to the other person that you are moving out of the
conversation can make the closing smoother.

OTHER: "So you have lived here all your life?"

YOU: "Yes, my husband and I were both born here. Listen, in

another two minutes I have got to walk over and talk to Mr.
Gaines. He looks like he is getting ready to leave. But how about
you, have you lived here long?"

Bringing a conversation to a gracious close is perhaps the most misunderstood

skill.

Great escapes

Sometimes you may find yourself cornered by an overly talkative person. You
want to disengage but can't find any opening that would allow you to pull off an
exit. Here are three steps for getting out of this uncomfortable situation.

1. Block the flow. Touch the other person gently on the arm, or speak his
or her name. You may even have to say their name a couple of times.
2. Apologize for interrupting.
3. Excuse yourself and leave.

THEM: (Speaking on and on about his hernia surgery.)

YOU: "Larry. Larry. (touching his arm) I am so sorry to cut you

off, but I have just got to call the babysitter. Please excuse me."

Disengaging is the final step in the Social Success Cycle. It is also the bridge to
the beginning of a brand new cycle. You move from disengaging to showing up
(eventually you will simply show up to a new group within the same event) and
the cycle begins all over again.

Sarah's evening

Let's return to Sarah, whom we met at the beginning of this lesson. She chose
not to attend the social event. Now what? Does she breathe a sigh of relief? Is
she content with her decision to avoid the tension of yet another social event?
Maybe. But how long does that last before she is hit by a new and different
wave of concern? "What are they going to think about me for not coming? How
will this affect my relationship with the superintendent? Why can't I be more
outgoing?"

Using avoidance as a solution to social insecurity is a fallacy, since it is no

solution at all. It trades one form of emotional discomfort for another. There is
no bargain in swapping the anxiety of being in public with the worry of not being
in public. There is a better way, and it is found in the Social Success Cycle.

None of these techniques for helping you interact with other people can
guarantee that everything will work out all right. There is nothing under the sun
that is absolutely certain. You must accept that fact. Nevertheless, there is
more certainty than you may think at every social event. Although events are
spontaneous, there is an overriding protocol that defines the limits of what is
likely to occur. The methods suggested here work differently for different
people. Try each on for size. Does the method feel right for you? Does it bring
you relief? Does it seem to be consistent with things that have brought you
success in the past? Once you have settled on a method, or a combination of
several, use it regularly for a while. There is a tendency to abandon new
behaviors prematurely. Change takes time. Be patient with yourself.

Moving forward

This lesson gave you pointers for gaining the courage needed to attend social
functions, and guided you through potentially awkward situations during these
functions. You learned how to initiate and maintain interesting conversations
and politely excuse yourself from groups.

In Lesson 4 we will build your self-confidence and social skills, and give you
tips for dealing with your anxiety.

Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.

Assignment #3
Do the same visualization exercise from Lesson 2, but add some of the concepts mentioned in this
lesson. Go to a public place, such as the grocery store, and see if you can practice your new skills on
the strangers you are thrown together with there. Nothing major -- just chit-chatting with someone in
line will allow you to practice and see what feels the most natural. There is no concern about failure,
since you will never see these people again.

Quiz #3
Question 1:
Set limits on how much you are willing to do in a public situation, then raise them gradually as your confidence
grows.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 2:
If you are feeling shy or unwilling to put yourself forward, talking about yourself will force you to quickly get over
your fear.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 3:
Humor is a great way to break the ice in a conversation.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 4:
Which of the following is not an open-ended question?
A) Why did you go into dentistry?
B) What is it like?
C) Are you interested in orthodontics?
D) Where do you see dentistry going in the future?
 
Question 5:
Which is the most conventional conversation closer?
A) Soft landing
B) Going yonder
C) The hand-off
D) The final word
 

Applying the model

Building on what you learned in Lesson 3, learn how to bolster your confidence and manage apprehension
when dealing with others.
 

Building your self-confidence

 
You're taking this course because there is a gap between who you want to be
and feel and behave, and the reality of how things actually are. The gap is
caused by the Three Fatal Fears we discussed in Lesson 1. Your goal is to
close the gap and end the tension by bringing your real self closer to the ideal.

What's called for isn't a total makeover of your style of relating to others. All
that's needed is increasing the frequency of just a few behaviors.

It all boils down to doing just four things. In the previous lesson we examined
the four keys to interpersonal effectiveness: the Social Success Cycle. The
premise of this course is that success in any endeavor can be tracked to a
relatively small number of core skills. For example, the primary skill at Honda
Motor Company is manufacturing efficient gas engines. At FedEx the core skills
are the logistics of managing the movements of millions of pieces of mail and
packages. In the same way, being liked by people and influential in dealing with
them can be traced to just a handful of core skills.

The good news in all of this is that being socially effective doesn't mean
someone is a better person than the other. The difference is that one person is
exhibiting a set of skills that the socially challenged person can't or won't
display. Let's compare the socially challenged person to the socially outgoing
one in a couple of common social situations.

Social Situation Socially Challenged Socially Outgoing

Invited to a Thinks about it briefly Accepts immediately.
cocktail party. and then declines.
(Show up)
On a three-hour Buries nose in a Leans over to the
plane flight. laptop, book, or stack adjacent passenger
(Start something) of magazines. and says, "Looks like
we have clear
weather all the way."
During Says a few words to Carries on an
intermission another person in the animated
between lobby and then falls conversation with
workshops at a silent until the other another person,
regional drifts off to the sharing information,
conference. restroom. asking questions.
(Stay awhile)
At retirement Spends entire Brings conversation
party button-holed evening feeling to a natural close and
by a long-winded trapped. moves on to
talker. someone else.
(Disengage)

Show up

Let's look at the first scene, the invitation to the party situation. One person
says "Yes," the other says "No." Is that a significant difference? You bet it is.
Not showing up is the single biggest barrier to connecting with others. Nothing
else can happen if you aren't with others. The socially challenged person
routinely says "No," and the socially outgoing person consistently says "Yes."
Showing up goes beyond just accepting a social invitation. Showing up means
giving eye contact to someone across the room, volunteering for duties as a
committee member, and finding a hundred additional ways to make yourself
available to others.

Start something

The airplane situation provides another contrasting set of responses. You're on

a plane after a long, hard day. You can't wait to get home. The last thing you
want to do is chat with someone for the next three hours. But you see in the
human being next to you a living, breathing opportunity to gain fresh
perspectives on life and to share some of your life view. So you lean over and
start something. By doing this you distinguish yourself from the socially
challenged person, who decides to pass the time alone. It may seem like a
trivial thing. But without this proactive gesture of contacting another, social
exchange goes nowhere.

Stay awhile

In the intermission situation, one person seems to have no trouble at all, while
the other person has lost his audience. Small talk, chit-chat, shooting the
breeze -- whatever you choose to call it -- few things win friends and influence
people like a gift for gab. The ability to carry on a conversation clearly
distinguishes one person from the other.

Disengage

In the retirement party situation, we find the socially challenged person up to

her neck in what can be called "conversational entrapment." Lacking the
finesse to extricate herself, she spends the entire evening with the first talkative
person she meets, missing the opportunity to interact with a whole range of
others. Not so for the socially outgoing person. She wraps up one conversation
and moves on to another and another, giving herself ample exposure to the
widest range of people.

We hope you see in the contrast between these two individuals how
straightforward the differences are. There are no complex dynamics to analyze,
no mystery to unravel. It's all very clear and behavioral. The more functional
social performance of one person doesn't make him or her a better or smarter
human being. But it can provide a number of distinct advantages in acquiring
the good things in life.

This comparison highlights the behavioral differences between two people in

the same social situation. Behavior is public and this matrix shows the public
dimension. But there is also a private side to interpersonal effectiveness. The
private side has to do with how you think and feel when interacting with others.
In this section we will give you some ideas for building up your inner
confidence.

Get an attitude

BUZZ: "Why would Andy want me?"

WOODY: "Why would Andy want you? Look at you. You're Buzz
Light Year! Any other toy would give up its moving parts just to be
you. You've got wings. You glow in the dark. You talk. Your
helmet does that, that . . . whoosh thing. You are a cool toy!"
What is confidence?

Confidence is a concept with a lot of aliases: self-image, self-esteem,

assertiveness, and personal presence. Essentially, confidence is the belief you
have about your adequacy in facing a situation. Think of five people you know
really well. Rank them in terms of the confidence they each have. Put the most
confident at the top of the list and the less confident lower in the list. People
near the top of your list have certain behaviors that cause you to view them as
confident. They can start a conversation with anyone. They willingly take on
challenging projects. They carry themselves with an air of self-assurance.
These are all public things. Now, put yourself into the ranking. How confident
do you feel you are compared to the people on your list? Would your friends
rate you the same as you rated yourself? Publicly you may exhibit confident
behavior, but inside the private world of your thoughts and feelings you may not
be as self-assured.

Seven days to greater confidence

We want to give you seven ways to feel and behave more confident. For the
next seven days, try one of these techniques each day. Breaking the thought
and behavior patterns that underlie your lack of confidence will, of course, take
more than a week. But try on these seven techniques and see if you don't have
a better feeling about yourself and your social potential with other people.

Day 1: twenty questions

Take out a piece of paper and write at the top, "I am:" and write 20 different
things about yourself. The first three or four should come easily. It is the last
three or four that can be really difficult. Stick with it until you record 20 things.
Your list will probably include items in one or more of three categories.

Personal: I am tall, middle-aged, compulsive, male, etc.

Social: I am friendly, kind, discreet, diplomatic, etc.

Functional: I am a husband, father, a brother, a manager, a son, etc.

Good work. Now go back and find three to four items that you feel are the most
central and defining descriptors of who you are. In other words, if you had to
drop all but three or four of your characteristics, which would they be?
Depending on what's going on in your life when you do this, different aspects of
you will be more prominent than others. If you have just started a family, for
example, the role of mother or father will be central. The point of this exercise is
to highlight the unique and irreplaceable ingredients that make you the person
you are.

Day 2: spend some time alone

Today, do some things that don't require or involve other people. Be by

yourself. Do solitary things. In preparation, make a list of things you enjoy doing
solo: browsing a book store, going to a movie, taking a walk in the woods,
spending some time with a hobby. You may protest that you have too much
solitude already, that what you really want is to hang out with others. Or you
may have a different reaction. Being by yourself may make you feel self-
conscious. The purpose here is for you to get comfortable and relaxed with
yourself. Discover what a good companion you are. As your comfort with
yourself builds, so too will your conviction that others might enjoy your
company as well.
Day 3: give yourself a guilt bath

Today, take out a piece of paper and write down all the dumb, regrettable,
shameful, unforgettable things you can remember ever doing. Write down the
time in grade school when you were caught in a lie by your teacher. Write down
the time you needlessly hurt a friend's feelings. Recall the time you broke a
promise to your child. Write them all down. Use several sheets if necessary.
Now go back to each one. Spend time with each. Feel the regret and the
embarrassment and the guilt. Don't try to hold it back. Then forgive yourself.
Say, "I forgive you. You can let go of this. You're forgiven." This exercise
honors your fallibility -- your ability to make mistakes. It reminds you to own all
of you. To accept yourself is to acknowledge all aspects of yourself.

Day 4: look good, walk tall

Today, work on your physical appearance. Look at yourself in the mirror. Is

your posture good and straight? When you walk, is your head up and your
shoulders back? Look at fashion magazines or catalogues. Go shopping today
and buy one article of clothing that you think might enhance your appearance.
Don't be reluctant to ask a sales clerk what looks good on you. Buy a new
cosmetic or a new cologne or aftershave that you feel comfortable with. How
you look on the outside influences how you feel on the inside.

Day 5: Be Tolerant

Start this day with a loosely fitting rubber band around your wrist. As you go
through the day, stop yourself whenever you are thinking negative thoughts
about other people. For instance, another driver does something annoying.
Replace, "Hey stupid, where'd you learn to drive?" with, "I bet I was in his blind
spot. No problem, he sees me now."

Catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself as well. Each time you
notice a negative or pessimistic thought, snap the rubber band on your wrist
and replace the thought. Replace "I'm so impulsive" with "I have a lot of
spontaneity." Replace "I'm stupid for not seeing that" with "Next time I will
watch more closely." People lacking in self-confidence generally have a
tendency to be overly critical of themselves. This judgmental tendency extends
to being overly harsh in assessing others. With practice, this pattern can be
turned around -- but the process begins with awareness. Pay attention to the
earliest presence of a negative thought, either about yourself or others, and
stamp it out immediately.

Day 6: go out of your way for someone

Today is a day for lending a hand or doing something nice for other people. Let
someone break in line in front of you at the grocery store checkout lane. Take
some flowers to a nursing home. Write a letter or send a card or note to a friend
or relative. At the office, ask a colleague if you can get him or her a cup of
coffee or other beverage. At the movies, pay for the ticket of someone behind
you. Ask the ticket seller not to reveal it was you who paid for the ticket. Be on
the lookout for small ways of showing thoughtfulness for others. Seeing
yourself behaving in this unselfish manner will contribute to a more positive
self-image.

Day 7: wish the best

Today, think of the three or four most important people in your life. This might
be your parents, your spouse, your children, or your best friend. If you could
give them a single intangible gift that would enhance the quality of their lives,
what would it be? For instance, if you have elderly parents, you might wish
them good health or serenity. For your children, you might wish them the ability
to live in the moment. Having done this, think of what intangibles these people
would wish for you. What would your folks wish for you? What about your
spouse or your children? Whatever it is, just for today, give yourself some of
that gift. If your folks wish for you to slow down and take things a little more
easily, how could you grant this wish to yourself? This technique allows you to
treat yourself as you would a dear friend. When you see yourself acting kindly
toward yourself, you can't help but think you are really worth it after all.

Breaking the habit

Confidence is a personal bias about yourself and your abilities. Over the years,
you have reinforced this opinion of yourself by looking for instances that
confirm your belief. If you have high self-confidence, you see many examples in
your day-to-day activities of how clever and gifted you are. As a result, new
challenges are faced with boldness and energy and the expectation that you
will excel. When your confidence is low, you view everything you do through
critical eyes. The journey from feeling unimpressed with yourself to admiring
and trusting yourself won't be accomplished overnight. No habit is broken that
quickly. But many people who are confident today will confess to years of low
self-esteem. Try the seven techniques as a starter kit to feeling good about
you. It's okay to be skeptical. But at least give each technique each a try.

Quick methods for anxiety relief

There is a natural tendency to avoid things that cause discomfort. If social Don't be chained to your desk
situations make you uncomfortable, your inclination -- given a choice -- is to
steer clear of them. To a large extent, the newness of a social event is what Give yourself an opportunity
makes it unnerving. Even shy people report being relatively at ease in familiar to get out, socialize, and
situations. But in new situations, anxiety goes up. To deal with the anxiety, you engage potential business
avoid the situation. The situation therefore stays new and unfamiliar so the next contacts by using a notebook
time, you avoid again -- and a cycle is set in motion. As a socially challenged PC that will allow you to work
person, you deny yourself the opportunity to get better in uncomfortable from nearly anywhere.
situations because you either leave the situation as soon as you can, or avoid it
altogether. Two things then happen: 1) situations stay novel 2) you become
more likely to avoid similar situations in the future. In no time, you have
entrenched negative habits. The Social Success Cycle encourages you to
"behave yourself" into overcoming your anxiety. By feeling the fear and doing it
anyway, you learn that situations are not as unsafe as they may first seem. You
can also address the anxiety directly. Here are some tips for doing that.
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Taking care of you

Anxiety about being with others is not just a psychological experience. To a

great extent, your anxiety level is affected by how well you slept last night, how
much coffee you have had, whether or not you had a healthy breakfast, how »  Notebook buying guide
much nicotine you have in your system, and the last time you exercised.
 

In addition to working on a healthier lifestyle, don't forget to breathe. There are

two ways to breathe. Upper-chest breathing is how you get oxygen when you
are exerting yourself. It is also the breathing mode you go into when you're
under stress. Belly breathing is breathing from the diaphragm. This type of
breathing has the benefit of relaxing your entire system. One of the most
powerful techniques for rapidly reducing a state of agitation is to take several
slow deep breaths, pushing the diaphragm down and outward. Just as upper-
chest breathing can actually make you more agitated, belly breathing can bring
on a state of serenity and well-being. Learning to take care of yourself will help
you face social situations with less stress and apprehension.

Come across confident

Feelings follow behavior. If you want to feel sure of yourself, act sure of
yourself. When you enter a social situation, visualize confident behavior.
Confidence is in your voice, your eye contact, and your behavior. You don't
have to feel confident to come across confident -- by acting strong, you will feel
strong. We are not suggesting you do anything totally out of character. But
since emotions often lag behind behavior, you may need to fake self-assurance
until you really feel it.

Social skills at work

We all bring different gifts and qualities to the challenge of making a life and a  
living. Some of us are particularly expert at technical things; others are
outstanding in artistic and creative endeavors. There are some people,
however, who possess talents that are more fundamental and central to
success than any others. These truly gifted individuals are masters at human
collaboration. They know how to leverage human nature. Some were born
extroverted. Much of what they do comes easily. Others have no particular
affinity for social interaction, yet they have made up their minds to go against
their inclinations and be more sociable. Either way, life for these people is
substantially enhanced. They consciously seek out other people. They
exchange information, goods, and services. For them, networking is a lifestyle.
They know what works and what doesn't. Their business is self-marketing,
linking, exchanging with others. The largest slice of the opportunity pie goes to
the people who are willing and able to leverage their energies by linking up with
others. Why not get the fair share that you're entitled to?

Who needs people?

Let's look at the people who need people. Maybe you are a consultant starting
a new practice or an entrepreneur seeking financial backing and qualified
associates. If you are marketing ideas, programs, or products; operating in the
political arena; working in a setting where who you know is as important as
what you know, making a major change in career direction -- you need a talent
for collaboration. In other words, to accomplish practically anything, you need
to know how to establish and draw on informal interpersonal networks.
According to the US Department of Labor, over 66% of all jobs get filled
informally: through friends, acquaintances, and behind-the-scenes favors.
Planet Earth may revolve on its axis, but society revolves on relationships.

Working with others in mutually interdependent relationships has a long

tradition in our society. When you realize how things get done -- particularly
how very successful people operate -- it becomes clear that collaboration is the
key ingredient. Nothing substantial is achieved by working alone. America was
built by groups of independent-thinking individuals linked together by a
common interest and mutual interdependence.

As a socially challenged person, it won't matter how many great benefits there
might be in connecting with others -- it's still not going to be easy for you. Let's
expose a few of the misconceptions that might be lurking behind your
reluctance to play in this game.

"I don't want to be dependent on others."

Of course you want to be independent. We all want to stand on our own two
feet and make our own way. But is it fair to you to be competing on an unequal
playing field? If the successful players in your industry have a tool that you
don't have or won't use, you are at an unfair disadvantage. In the business
world today, connecting with others is what business is all about. Relationship
selling, relationship consulting, relationship negotiating -- it's all about people
working together in reciprocal relationships. It isn't dependency -- it is
interdependency.
"It sounds so artificial, like I'm using people."

This depends on you and your motives. Certainly we all know people who
exploit relationships, who take and don't give, whose only goal is feathering
their own nest. But most people who collaborate with others are sincerely
interested in exchange. You give of yourself to those who need your product,
service, advice, and counsel. This advances you, certainly. And you, in turn,
contribute and support others in equal fashion. It is truly an exchange economy.
Those are the rules and the violators are soon seen for who they are.

Where are you going?

Let's deal with the very practical issue of where to begin. Let's assume that, for
now, your goal is merely to increase the frequency of contacts you make with
other groups or individuals. You can't increase the frequency of your contacts
without showing up where other people are gathering. And you can't show up
where others are gathering without targeting where you want to be. Outgoing
people take the business of connecting with others very seriously. They
approach it very systematically. You can do the same. Here are some potential
targets for interaction.

Informal Contacts: All the people for whom you have some type of informal
affinity: relatives, friends, members of your bowling league, social clubs, sports
teams or members of country clubs, crafts groups.

Work Relationships: All the people with whom the connection is in some way
related to your work or primary avocation: bosses, subordinates, peers,
associates at related businesses, vendors, competitors, professional
acquaintances, clients, customers.

Community Relationships: All the people whose association is civic in nature:

volunteer organizations, fund-raising groups, cultural associations, chambers of
commerce.

Ancillary Relationships: All the people you have other levels of interaction with:
fellow carpoolers, your personal doctor, lawyer, or minister, fellow graduates of
your law school, and sundry other granfalloons.

These categories should cover most people you know now or who are
potentially on your radar screen. Let's take this one step further.

The social targets matrix

Pick one or two first targets for enhancing your social connectivity. Having a
clear target is important because it adds precision and discipline to your
project. Consider the example of two people who are vowing to change. One
person resolves to stop chewing his fingernails. Another resolves to stop
chewing one fingernail. The second person will be more successful. Use the
matrix below to decide where you might want to begin.

You Current Network New Network

Same (A) Status Quo. This is (B) New Territory. In
Behaviors business as usual. You this strategy you take
continue to relate to the your typical style of
same people in the same interaction to new
way you are already groups and individuals.
relating.
New (C) New Behavior. In this (D) Brave New World
Behaviors strategy, you leave strategy. You try new
 unchanged your social styles of behavior with
contacts, but you relate to brand new social
them in new ways. contacts.

Status quo

Where do you currently spend the bulk of your social time? This is your comfort
zone. If you do nothing at all, you probably will be relating five years from now
in the same way with these same people. There's nothing wrong with this
unless you consider it a problem. As we have said all along, there is a lot to be
gained by branching out into new relationships and behaviors.

New territory

In this strategy you are moving out of the realm of the familiar into new social
circles. Basically, you are using your same style of relating, but you are
exposing yourself to new opportunities. New territory might mean joining a new
association or a support group on a subject of interest to you.

New behaviors

In this strategy, you risk new behaviors in your current social circles. For
instance, you have always kept a low profile at meetings of the neighborhood
association. You attend regularly, but let others take the leadership on different
projects. Now you are volunteering to edit the next newsletter or to serve as
chairman of the dues committee.

Brave new world

This strategy is really out of character for you. Not only are you branching out
into unfamiliar social networks, you're also exhibiting behaviors that are
likewise new. For instance, you decide to form your own mastermind group on
interpersonal effectiveness. You call a planning meeting, recruit members, set
agendas, and do other things that are brand-new for you.

Make a good first impression

Depending on what book you consult, you have anywhere from 10 seconds to
four minutes to make a good impression on another person. People start
drawing conclusions about you the minute they lay eyes on you. If you are well
groomed and dressed appropriately, you will likely make a better initial first
impression.

Before you go in for that facelift or liposuction, though, take note. The
ingredients for a positive first impression go beyond just physical features. We
all have known people who are attracted to others whom we would never find
appealing. "What does she see in him?" we ask ourselves. "Well, he's funny
and he's nice to me," they respond. Attractiveness is more than what you see
when you look at someone. It is the total package.

Smile

A person who smiles is more attractive than someone who is expressionless.

Act relaxed
Someone who appears relaxed and natural is more appealing than someone
who comes across as uptight or too formal.

Be positive

People with an optimistic outlook on life are more comfortable to spend time
with. People will find you attractive based not just on how you look, but who you
are and how you conduct yourself in the first few moments of contact.

But remember, it is the inside you that determines the ultimate impression you
make. While people may draw a preliminary opinion of you even before you
speak, it is the impression they gain through interaction that is more enduring.
Making a good first impression puts everyone at ease, so that the inside you
has a better chance of making an appearance.

Now that we have looked at ways you can capitalize on your new social
confidence and competence, we are ready to move to our next lesson, where I
will give you some ideas on maintaining what you have achieved and
continuing to grow.

Moving forward

This lesson showed you how to wow a crowd with your dazzling personality.
You've learned how to increase your self-confidence and social skills and
received guidelines for making yourself more appealing to others.

In Lesson 5 we will go over the steps needed to ensure that these changes are
permanent.

Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.

Assignment #4
Identify and list the things you focus on when you are socially anxious. Do you focus on
appearance, physical sensations (blushing, sweating, etc.), body language or the type of
impression you're making? Once you learn to recognize that you are fixating on certain responses,
you may be able to move past them.

Quiz #4
Question 1:
Confidence is the belief you have about your adequacy in facing a situation.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 2:
This breathing style is characterized by breathing from the diaphragm and has the benefit of relaxing your whole
system.
A) Upper-chest breathing
B) Body breathing
C) Belly breathing
D) Nose breathing
 
Question 3:
According to the US Department of Labor, only 20% of all jobs get filled informally: through friends,
acquaintances, and behind-the-scenes favors.
A) True
B) False
 

Changing for good

Gain a better understanding of the concept of relapse and what to do to prevent it. Learn the importance of a
balanced lifestyle and develop skills for continuing your growth beyond this course.
 

The threat of relapse

 
After months of steady progress in her efforts at becoming more
socially outgoing, Cynthia is depressed and demoralized. One of
the situations she wanted to master was a monthly after-work
function. Cynthia had faithfully attended the last three events. But
at last night's get-together, she felt unusually self-conscious and
left abruptly. This morning she feels terrible that all her progress
has gone down the drain. "What a loser. What's the use? I'll
never get over this crazy problem."

Creating new habits is hard enough without misinformation. Cynthia's feelings

of failure, embarrassment, and guilt are the unfortunate byproducts of telling
herself untruths about relapse and the process of change. The confusion about
relapse is a result of two fundamental misconceptions. The first is the belief
that change progresses in a straight line. It doesn't. Change takes place in
stages. You progress to a stage, stop there for a while, and then move forward
to the next stage. It is important to know that moving back to a previous stage
is also quite common. The second common mistake is labeling any slip a
failure. Slips are a natural and inevitable part of any program of change. In this
section, I will discuss the four stages of change and what you can do to
maintain momentum on your journey to social confidence and competence.

The enthusiastic beginner stage

In this stage, you've accepted that being socially challenged is limiting your
potential and you feel good about your decision to put this behind you. Your
spirits are buoyed up with anticipation of the wonderful benefits change will
bring. You feel relief that you are finally taking some concrete actions. You may
even share your plans with some of your friends and family.

The disillusionment stage

Disillusionment happens to everyone. Honeymooners experience it. Buyer's

remorse is a form of it. You'll know it when it hits you. Your enthusiasm begins
to wane. You're doing things that stretch you socially, but it is harder than you
thought it would be. You are not moving as fast as you expected. You are
having trouble remembering why it was so important to do this. At times you
wish you hadn't even started.

The waffling stage

This is the hot-and-cold stage. Some days your feel you could tackle any
situation. Other times, the chill of disillusionment creeps back. This is a
maintenance phase in which new behaviors are taking hold even as old
patterns continue trying to reestablish themselves.

The mastery stage

Your ultimate goal has been reached. Your social apprehension no longer
presents a problem for you. Only occasionally do you even think about that
phase of your life when social things were a source of concern. You have won
the contest over your fears and impulses to become the socially confident and
competent person you have always wanted to be.

Cynthia, like so many people intent on self-improvement, sees her progress in

black-and-white terms. Her turmoil would be less intense if she congratulated
herself for even the small steps she is making. Cynthia should also understand
that a temporary return to previous patterns is perfectly natural and happens
despite the best-laid strategies to change. Of one hundred people setting out to
break some type of habit, less than five will make it to the Mastery Stage
without a setback. What this means is that it is normal to take one step back in
order to take two steps forward. Here are some additional ideas for dealing with
lapses.

1. Be reasonable. Recognize that few people achieve change the first time
around. The important thing is not to dwell on your setbacks. Accept
them as normal. Ignore your guilt, relax, and plan your next move.
2. Recognize the stages of change. When you are feeling particularly
discouraged, remind yourself that disillusionment is a normal stage in
the process of change. Keep handy the list you made back in Lesson 2
of your Pushes and Pulls. Do pleasant things for yourself when the
going is rough. Touch base with the friends and associates who know of
your efforts. They can help you see progress that is less apparent to
you.
3. Review the plans you have set for yourself. Most people underestimate
the time and energy required to achieve personal change. Remember
the Myth of No Sweat from Lesson 1.You may want to scale back some
of your efforts. It's better to achieve small consistent gains and stick with
your plan than to feel overwhelmed by a plan that is overly ambitious.
4. Watch your moods. The single most common factor in setbacks is
emotional upset. Negative emotions are energy drains. Keep a log of
daily events and feelings. Keeping a log will help you identify high-risk
situations. When you are aware that a high-risk situation is at hand, plan
better ways to deal with it.
5. Watch your thinking. The next time you find yourself discouraged, ask
yourself, "What am I telling myself, making up, or believing that is
causing my feelings? Is there more than one interpretation of the event?
What is the objective data that either supports or negates my
interpretation of the situation?"
6. Stay focused. Remember the race between the turtle and the hare?
Although he had greater speed, the hare lost because of his
inconsistency and smug attitude. The turtle was slow but sure. He won
because of his consistency and because he stuck to his plan. Have your
priorities and goals as clear as practical. The clearer you are on what
you want to accomplish and how you plan to accomplish it, the easier it
is to remain focused.
7. Involve your friends. Friends can support your efforts to change.
Involving your friends serves another purpose. Those closest to you
may have feelings of uncertainty about the new person you are
becoming. They may even unconsciously try to hold you back. Once
they have become invested in your program, your friends will have less
anxiety and be more of a resource to you.
8. Remove the word "relapse" from your vocabulary. It sounds too much
like failure. There is no failure in a setback. Change is a cycle, not a
straight line. Next time you hit a bump in the road, think of yourself as
merely re-cycling around to a previous stage. This will get you back to
your program faster and with less energy-sapping guilt.

Another hazard to your motivation is the notorious "foot-in-mouth" problem.

Everyone has a story to tell of embarrassing themselves in public. At this very
moment, someone, somewhere is asking a woman who only looks pregnant,
"When are you due?" Or saying something negative about someone standing
within earshot, or getting someone's name wrong, or mistaking someone's
sister for her mother. These unfortunate mishaps happen to all of us. And most
of us can laugh it off and recover quickly. But when you are socially challenged,
an innocent mistake becomes a disaster. Overwhelmed with shame, you vow
never again to show your face in public. Here are some things you can do to
minimize embarrassing yourself in public.

When in doubt. . .

The best policy is don't assume. At a restaurant just this week the wait staff
asked me, "So, are you the grandfather of these two lovely children?" I politely
informed her I was the father. Don't assume things. Play it safe until your
hunches are verified.

Engage brain, then mouth

Try to keep in mind to whom you might be speaking. For instance, think before
you say, "Aren't you just totally revolted by people who chew tobacco?" You
might be speaking to a person whose favorite pastime is a slow chew at the
end of a long day.

Look around

Don't say behind anyone's back what you would never say to their face. This is
a sound policy for all times and places. It will go a long way toward enhancing
your credibility. If you must say something less than flattering, be careful about
who might be standing nearby.

Don't exaggerate the consequences

Don't blow out of proportion the consequences of a public faux pas. Maintain
your sense of humor -- don't take yourself too seriously. Convince yourself that
there is not an embarrassing thing you could do that others have not done
before you.

The ideas in this section can protect your morale against the destructive forces
of setbacks and public embarrassments. But even higher levels of resilience
can be realized when your life is balanced. This is the subject we will take up in
the next section.

Achieving balance in professional and personal lives

It's rare that you get the luxury of dealing with one thing at a time. More often, The balance of hardware
needs
there are multiple problems demanding your attention. The hedge against this
type of overload is balance. A lack of balance, particularly between the
professional and personal domains of our lives, is the most commonly reported Balance your hardware while
source of stress in our society. Imbalance is generally easy to spot. For you're balancing your
instance, when your tires are out of balance, the whole car is affected. When professional and personal
your checkbook is not balanced, you find out about that soon enough. When lives. HP multifunction
the tightrope walker loses her balance, the crowd gasps and hopes she can printers allow you to
recover. But a life out of balance is a slow boil. It may be years before the substantially reduce costs,
problem is apparent enough to register on your radar screen. You may be the increase productivity, and
last person to realize it. improve workflow.

Gary loves his family. He also loves his work. Lately, he has not
been successful in giving equal amounts of attention to both
priorities. He's on a fast track at work. The more he does, the
more recognition he gets. The more recognition he gets, the
more hours he puts in. Due to frequent conflicts with his wife,
Gary is now spending time at work even when there's no »  HP Officejet J5700 all-in-
pressing need to do so. He wonders how things got to this point. one series
Gary's life is imbalanced. He is spending much more than 40 hours out of the
week's total of 168 hours on his career. When he is not at work, he is taking
time dressing for work, commuting to work, thinking about work, and
decompressing from work. He may be a star at the office, but the rest of his
existence is withering. Gary is on a gradual downhill trajectory. The very »  Printer and MFP buying
pattern that is earning him accolades today will ironically lead to a decline in guide
Gary's health, peace of mind, and ultimately, his productivity.
 

If life were perfect you would have a job that offered enough challenge to be
interesting, enough ease to be enjoyable, enough fellowship to be nourishing,
enough money to pay the bills, and still leave you enough hours to spend on
your relationships and self-renewal. But that's not the real world. The real world
is full of compromises and consequences for the choices you make. The real
world is a place where trying to have it all can mean losing it all.

In this section we will give you a couple of tips for achieving balance in your
life.

Set priorities

Ultimately, there are just three priorities: work, relationships, and self. When
you wake up in the morning you are given a pie. This pie is equal to the amount
of energy you have for the rest of the day. You only have one pie per day.
Every Sunday, take time to reflect on how you will divide the pies for the
coming week. Each weekday morning take a few minutes to decide what slice
of your pie will go to work, which slice to relationships, and which slice to
yourself.

Separate your family and work roles

Train yourself to block off office time from time at home. Try not to worry about
your children or other home things when at work, and try not to worry about
work when with your family.

Take something off your plate

The single most important thing most people say they could do to bring order to
their lives is learn to say "No." Don't be afraid to remove things from your
overloaded plate. Not everything has equal value. Discriminate among what is
worth doing well, what is worth just doing, and what is not worth doing at all.
Don't say "Yes" right away. Stall by asking, "Can I get back to you on that?"
Then consider carefully what you will take off your plate if you add another
thing.

Remember your legacy

Which inscription will be placed on your tombstone: "Beloved

Parent/Brother/Son" or "Off to Another Meeting"? You need some principle to
guide you in resolving the inevitable conflicts between family and job demands.
Some people follow the maxim "Family needs come first." Make a list of the
roles you play in your life: father, mother, son, daughter. For each role ask
yourself, "How do I want to be remembered by the people who depend on
me?"

Cultivate a sharing attitude with your spouse

Sit down periodically with your significant other and discuss what you can do
for mutual support in your respective jobs -- at home and at work. Many
husbands and wives report great relief when their partners lend an ear to their
complaints, offer a sounding board, and supply advice and encouragement.

Be realistic

It is impossible to reach an ideal in both family and job. Aim for the best
balance among your various activities. Don't expect to be a perfect spouse or
parent. Lower your standards on the home front and accept some degree of
disorder around the house.

Do something for yourself

The remarkable thing about taking care of yourself is that it is the most
unselfish thing you can do. Have a "just for me" fund of money to spend each
month on a new book, some new clothes, a new record, or some other tangible
reward for working so hard at meeting your responsibilities and fulfilling multiple
roles. These refreshing, energizing benefits will increase your tolerance and
make you a more giving person.

While many are embracing the fast track as the surest path to success, others
are cultivating a different set of values. In increasing numbers, professionals
both young and old are taking control of their careers rather than letting their
careers take control of them. Studies show that most people would be willing to
take a salary cut if it meant more family and personal time.

You don't have to give up the intellectual, emotional, and financial rewards that
go with professional success to achieve balance. But there are tradeoffs and
tough choices. In bringing greater order and moderation to your life, you will
find you can deal more effectively with problems. Your productivity will increase
dramatically and you'll gain higher self-esteem and confidence. Most important,
you will have the energy and clarity of mind and spirit to continue to grow
toward your full potential.

Continuing to grow
A man was found dead in the desert. Near him was a package. If Continue to challenge yourself
he had opened the package he would not have died. What was in
the package? By expanding and building
upon your abilities and
skillsets, you're giving
People give a wide variety of answers to this classic riddle: water, food, a map,
yourself the chance to
a compass, a cell phone. Every once in a while, someone will give the right
continue to improve yourself
answer: a parachute. When you are falling through space nothing matters as
and make progress.
much as a parachute. The larger question is, why didn't he open it? It was
there, available to him. It seems outrageous that he didn't make use of it.

One theory is that he thought he had one of those chutes that opened
automatically. He didn't realize he had to pull the ripcord. All the way down,
perhaps right up to the last hundred feet, this poor guy fully expected things to
happen all by themselves. It cost him his life. »  HP Total Education One

 
This man's attitude is fairly common. A lot of people are falling through life,
waiting for their parachutes to open all by themselves. David Burns, in his
book Intimate Connections, calls this the "spontaneity belief." People with this
attitude would never expect to get a job without interviewing for it, or a new
home without applying for a loan. But when it comes to success in
interpersonal relationships, they expect things to happen spontaneously.

You are not one of those people. You took this course because you recognize
that life returns to you what you invest in it. Congratulations for staying with the
course through all the lessons. We have covered a lot of ground in a relatively
short time. We hope that in the following weeks you will continue to make
progress and achieve even higher levels of social confidence and competence.
To enhance your continuing progress, we would like you to apply some of the
things you have learned in this course.

What follows is a series of typical social situations. Picture yourself in each

situation and imagine what you would do in handling each.

Scene 1: one on one

You are taking a non-credit course at a local university. While waiting for all
participants to arrive, the instructor has suggested that those already present
break into twos and get acquainted. You turn to the person next to you. How
would you begin?

Scene 2: in the beginning

You are at a party where you don't know anyone and are feeling very self-
conscious. Although your initial impulse is to nurse a drink in the corner by
yourself, or try to maintain a facade to conceal your uneasiness, you decide to
walk up to a stranger and introduce yourself.

Scene 3: the produce department

You're in the produce section of a supermarket. You are squeezing avocados

to select a ripe one when you look up and notice a person you met at a PTA
meeting. Your first instinct is to turn your attention back to the avocados or
hastily flee to another aisle, but you decide to make the extra effort you have
promised you would exert in such.

Scene 4: out of words

You are having a discussion with someone at a barbecue, someone you know
relatively well. Suddenly the topic of conversation has exhausted itself. You find
yourselves staring at each other. Your mind goes blank for a minute. Calmly,
you tell yourself to relax. You flip quickly through your repertoire of
conversational topics and come up with something appropriate to the situation.

Scene 5: the monologue

You are having coffee with a friend. You have been looking forward to talking
with him, but after half an hour you realize your friend has been dominating the
conversation with a nonstop monologue. After being polite and nonassertive for
longer than you want to be, you decide to introduce a topic of your own.

Scene 6: grand entrance

You are at a party. You walk into a room where people are chatting in an
animated fashion. Everybody seems to be talking to somebody else. You
hesitate, mustering your courage to introduce yourself to a group of people.
You walk over to three people who are laughing and talking as you arrive. They
pause; you take advantage of the lull.

Scene 7: grand exit

You are very pleased that you met all your goals for this social event. It is time
for you to leave. For the past 15 minutes you have been talking to the same
individual. You want to move on to say goodbye to the hostess before leaving.

Moving to the next level

Larry Wilson in his book, Playing to Win, uses a medical analogy. When you go  
to the doctor, it is generally because you are sick. The doctor prescribes
medicine and applies other procedures to move you from being sick to being
not sick. But you may not be thriving. You may still have high blood pressure,
hypertension, high cholesterol, and other ailments. To go from not sick to the
next level requires a conscious effort. What can you do to take yourself to the
next level?

Baseball legend Sandy Koufax, who won the Cy Young award as best baseball
pitcher three times in his career, was once criticized for being nervous while
standing on first base. "Sandy, why are you so jumpy?" the announcer asked.
"You must kick that base 25 or 30 times while you're standing out there." Sandy
replied, "I kick the base but it's not because I am nervous. I know if I kick it long
enough and hard enough I can move it an inch or two closer to second base.
That may be all I need to steal second base."

It is the little things done consistently that bring success. Little things like
reading 10 pages per day, every day of the year. In a year, you will have read
ten 350-page books. Little things like the slow, steady erosion of a river created
the spectacular Grand Canyon. Little things like just 90 minutes each day, five
days a week, in a year add up to 400 hours -- the equivalent of ten 40-hour
weeks. Imagine what you can do when you take just a little time each day to
grow yourself. Here are some tips on continuing your progress.

Go slow

Change that occurs too quickly can be unsettling and may create new
problems Pace yourself as you move toward getting better at dealing with
social situations. Don't rush. Make self-management a lifelong project rather
than something you have to achieve in a week.

Choose techniques carefully

Use only those techniques that work best for you. Experiment with one
technique at a time. Trying too many solutions at once works against the
effectiveness of all of them.

Monitor yourself

Begin keeping an anti-avoidance notebook. In it, record the times you choose
to avoid rather than enter into a social situation. Record also the thoughts that
you had at the time, how you felt, and what you did. In addition to tracking
avoidance, monitor the times you stretched beyond your comfort zone to
perform in a socially outgoing way. Record how it felt to have this achievement.
You may surprise yourself with how much you actually are doing.

Set behavioral goals

Remember in setting your goals to be sure: 1) the goal is observable by you

and others; 2) it is specific and concrete; 3) it can be broken down into small
steps. "I want to be more sociable" it is not a behavioral goal. Ask yourself,
"What would it look like? What exactly will I be doing? How would I start, what
would be the first step?"

Don't look too far ahead

Don't think too far ahead in working toward a goal. This can lead to
discouragement and abandoning the task. Just take one step at a time. Think
of a slogan like, "A mile's a while but an inch is a cinch."

Watch for bumps in the road

There is nothing wrong in withdrawing temporarily from a task when you hit an
obstacle. The real danger is in giving up completely. When you hit interference
in what you are after, remind yourself that this is merely an annoying delay that
you can work around. It is okay to stop momentarily on a task.

Don't spread yourself too thin

Don't be compulsive about self-improvement. Take a hard look at your

commitments. If you are attempting too much, you may be headed for overload
or depression. Occasionally indulge yourself in fun activities. Pleasure is so
important in life. Try to plan for it, and give it to yourself without guilt or
desperation.

Moving forward

This lesson went over some practices that ensure you're on the right track. The
important thing is to not get overwhelmed or discouraged -- change takes time.

In Lesson 6 we will discuss options for professional help and medication when
dealing with social anxieties.

Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.

Assignment #5
Think honestly about how you feel about the issue of medication. Have you considered it?
Would you consider it? What are the pros and cons? Go to the message board and discuss.

Quiz #5
Question 1:
Which of these is not one of the four stages of change?
A) Enthusiastic beginner stage
B) Disillusionment stage
C) Manic stage
D) Mastery Stage
 
Question 2:
The single most common factor in setbacks is emotional upset.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 3:
Which of the following is not a good way to prioritize your life?
A) Separate your work and family roles
B) Learn to tell people no
C) Be realistic
D) Focus all of your attention on work
 
Question 4:
Which of the following is not a wise way to continue your progress?
A) Go slow
B) Set behavioral goals
C) Try to do as much as possible
D) Monitor yourself
 

Where do I go from here?

Evaluate the progress you have made, and examine the options of professional help and medication. You will
also learn how to handle a potentially shy child.
 

The value of counseling

 
If you could walk back through the corridors of time, at some point you might witness a young man
picking up a basketball for the first time. Watching his awkward, fumbling first efforts, you would never
guess this beginner would later become the phenomenon we know today as Michael Jordan. The
exceptional "physical fitness" of any great athlete is the direct result of disciplined practice. But there is
another factor that accounts for outstanding performance: professional guidance. In this section, we will
discuss how your "social fitness" can be facilitated through the guidance of professional counseling.

Why seek counseling

Counseling helps with the harder parts of personal growth. For instance, there are two powerful
techniques recommended by Dr. Barbara Markway in Painfully Shy. The first, intentional mistake
making, involves purposely opening yourself to embarrassment: deliberately trip in front of someone;
pay for something with the incorrect amount of change; greet someone by the wrong name. Do each of
these things on purpose and you achieve two things:

1. You give yourself a lesson in tolerating the feelings of imperfection.

2. And, as an added bonus, you find that those terrible things that you expect will happen when you
do something wrong or unusual never materialize.

The second technique, the paradoxical approach, zeroes in on the physiological symptoms of social
anxiety such as trembling hands, overactive sweat glands, and blushing. What's frustrating about these
symptoms is the more you try to contain them, the worse they seem to get. What if you deliberately tried
to make these symptoms even more prominent? Would this make things better? The answer is yes.
Paradoxically, not suppressing the normal instincts to fight, freeze, or flee, sends a calming, reassuring
message to your body's primitive security center.

Both of these powerful techniques fall under the heading of "exposure" therapy. What they have in
common is that they keep you in the presence of something fearful long enough to discover there is
nothing to fear. But like the old cliche "Don't try this at home," few people have either the knowledge or
the motivation to self-treat using these methods. This is where a counselor could come in handy. With
the right professional, armed with these and other tools, you could significantly accelerate your growth.

Choosing the right therapist

You have choices of professionals who can provide support and competent guidance. Here are some
things to consider.
Interview a prospective therapist. Many therapists do not charge for the initial visit. During the interview,
be sure to ask what experience they have had with the problem of social anxiety and methods they
employ. Ask about their fee structure, cancellation policy, insurance reimbursement, and how long they
have been in practice. Sometimes it takes a few "tries" to find a good match. It is OK to shop around
until you find the right therapist for you.

There are many types of licensed mental health professionals, differing in educational backgrounds,
training, licensure, philosophy, and technique.

Psychiatrists are medical doctors and can prescribe medication.

Psychologists usually have a Doctorate in Psychology and have completed an internship under
supervision.
Counselors usually have a Master's degree in Counseling and have completed an internship under
supervision.
Clinical Social Workers typically have a Master's degree in Social Work and have completed a
supervised internship.

Also think about whether you would feel more comfortable with a therapist of your gender or the
opposite gender.

After getting all the information and talking with several professionals, you will need to make a decision.
At this point the best advice is to trust your gut feelings. Perhaps the most important consideration is
rapport. It is important that you work with someone with whom you feel safe, can talk easily, and a
person you feel you can learn to trust.

Remember that therapy, in the hands of a skilled therapist, is a powerful and life-changing experience.
It has been shown to be effective for a variety of illnesses and problems. If you need therapy and work
as an active participant in your own treatment, you can expect it will be well worth the time and money
you invest. But counseling alone may not be sufficient. Which brings us to the subject of prescribed
medication.

The wise use of medication

 
It is never a good idea to misuse or abuse drugs. Getting high and getting drunk, making yourself
comfortably numb -- these are not constructive ways of coping with stress. The problem of drug abuse
has preoccupied our society for decades. It's no wonder that many people distrust drugs. Because of
this, they hold off seeking the support they might gain from prescribed medications. While some people
develop a dependency on prescription drugs, the majority of people on medication are not abusing the
drugs they take. These people owe their ability to face life to prescribed medications.

Chemical imbalance

Many experts feel that extreme shyness, depression, and other disorders are the result of chemical
imbalances in the brain. Serotonin is a naturally occurring compound that helps send electrical signals
between nerve cells. In normal conditions, serotonin is sent from one nerve cell to be absorbed by
another. In those with social anxiety, depression, and other anxieties, these signals are out of balance.
One example of a medication for correcting this imbalance is a drug known as paroxetine HCl. This is a
selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) that works by stabilizing the brain.

Research results indicate that about 70 percent of social anxiety disorder patients achieve worthwhile
gains from medication therapy. While the amount of improvement with medication varies, millions of
people are able to function professionally and find fulfillment in their lives because they take prescription
medication.

Should you consider medication?

Not everyone with social anxiety needs to be on medication. There are many factors that should enter
into this judgment, such as severity of the condition, conferring with your doctor or counselor, your
psychiatrist, other medications you take, and your general medical condition, and the way you know
your body responds to medication in general. But if you are facing anxiety problems related to social
anxiety every day of your life, medication may be the recommend course of action.

In Painfully Shy , Dr. Markway, suggests you consider three issues in making your decision regarding
medications.

Length of time. How long has social anxiety been a problem for you? The longer you have struggled
with overcoming your shyness, the better the case for considering medications.
Impact of shyness. How much has shyness interfered with your day-to-day activities? If shyness is a
minor annoyance, that is one thing. But if it is having significant negative impact in one or more areas
of your professional or personal life, you may want to look into the support that might be gained from
medication.
Depression. Very importantly, if the anxiety of shyness is coupled with feelings of depression, then
there is an even greater cause to consider medication.

Perhaps the best approach to settling the debate over whether or not to take medication is, as Dr.
Markway suggests, asking yourself what is the most loving, caring, reverent thing you can do for
yourself in this situation. You won't get "cured" by just relying on medication. Medication is a "tool" and
an "encouragement" while undergoing other strategies for building confidence and reducing anxiety.
Medication will allow you to practice social skills better and reduce your anxiety in daily functioning.
While medication can be helpful, real improvement occurs by learning to think and feel differently.

Support for the shy child

 
Social anxiety appears to run in families. Since you are shy, some or all your offspring may share the
trait. This doesn't mean that if you have had extreme problems with social interaction your child will
have the same difficulties. Genes predispose these characteristics; they don't predestine them. But it is
understandable that having felt the loneliness and discomfort of shyness yourself, you want to do all
you can to minimize the disruption social anxiety might have in the life of your children. Here are some
strategies you might consider if you are concerned for your child's social development.

Make sure it's a problem

Your own painful experiences with shyness may be making you see things that are not there. At some
ages, certain behaviors such as clinging to your leg when a stranger approaches, weeping over every
goodbye, and refusing to join in group activities are natural and even expected. Talk to your child's
teacher or your pediatrician or other experts to determine if your child's behavior is within or outside the
range of age-appropriate behavior. If your child seems okay with being shy, if she seems to be
genuinely happy playing by herself, entertaining herself, then let her be.

Don't label

Putting any kind of label on a child is rarely of any value. Avoid comments like, "Oh, he's my shy one."
After all, he may not even think of himself as shy. But say it often enough, and he'll come to believe it.
And even if your child considers herself shy, he may not think that being shy is such a big deal. Talking
about it as if it is sends the message that he has some sort of defect. Don't allow others to label your
child either. Consider saying, "It takes him a little while to get comfortable in a new situation."

Get them started

The hardest part for most children is initiating play. Your child may look at other children and circle
around them, but not really talk to them. Pushing a child into a situation that she sees as threatening is
not likely to help the child build social skill. But you can help your child get her feet wet by going with her
to another child and spending a few moments getting acquainted. Often once a child gets through those
first difficult moments of connecting with another, she can interact comfortably.

Build self-esteem

Shy children may have negative self-images and feel that they will not be accepted. Reinforce shy
children for demonstrating skills and encourage their autonomy. Praise them often. Being sensitive to
the child's interests and feelings will allow you to build a relationship with the child and show that you
respect the child. This can make the child more confident and less inhibited.

Pairing with others

To bring a shy child out of his shell, consider pairing him with a child who is very outgoing and
outspoken. Each child seems to change the other. The outspoken child may calm down a bit and the
shyer child will be a bit louder. A variation of this is to have your child associate with someone who is
even more shy. This will often give the child confidence and a feeling of competence.

Leave your comfort zone

A recent campaign in my area to get more kids to buckle up has the slogan, "If you do it, they will." As
parents we can influence our children's behavior more by our actions than our words. Make a conscious
effort to model proactive social activity when with your child. Reach out to others, greet others, make
small talk with strangers, and let your child see you demonstrating confident social interaction.

Seeking professional help

Keep in mind, you may not be the best judge of your child's interactions. If you are concerned that he
always seems to be alone, ask your daycare staff or school teacher about it. It's possible that you don't
see those moments when he's happily interacting. If, however, they agree that your child is having more
trouble socializing than most kids his age, talk to your child's pediatrician, who may suggest a
developmental evaluation.

The key is meeting your responsibilities as a parent without losing perspective. Shyness is not all bad.
Not every child needs to be the focus of attention. Some qualities of shyness, such as modesty and
reserve, are viewed as positive. Your child may be popular and attractive to other children simply
because he doesn't have to have the limelight. As long as a child does not seem excessively
uncomfortable or neglected around others, drastic interventions are not necessary.

Life after shyness

 
The trouble with shyness -- for those who struggle with it and the people they interact with -- is that it
dominates everything else.

But shyness doesn't exist in a vacuum. It is but one ingredient in the larger stew of what makes you
who you are.

For years, your shyness has preoccupied you. But as you progress in mastery of the problem, your
attention may now be turning to the vital questions that humans have wrestled with ever since we
acquired the intelligence to contemplate our own mortality.

Edward Deming, the father of the quality movement, captured the essence of these timeless issues. He
said there were three questions that only 20% of all managers could answer. What is my job? What
really counts? How am I doing? Dr. Deming's intended these questions to be applied to the business
world. But they are just as applicable to the business of making a life.

To paraphrase Dr. Deming: What is a successful life?

Material success

Many people, when asked to rate their success in life, first turn to external measures such as net worth,
their fame, power, or status. These four things may be the most hotly pursued goals in the twentieth
century today, but according to philosopher Tom Morris, acquiring them is no reason to consider
yourself successful.
Material things can be useful as stepping stones to other things in life; but when you pursue them as
ends in themselves you are on a journey for which there is no final arrival. The craving for material
success is insatiable. It is easy to become obsessive about getting more stuff. More money. More
power. A bigger house. Another house. A more luxurious car. Or a faster car. The more you give in to it
and try to satisfy it, the more it can grow, until it is literally out of control.

True success

If seeking success in external things is temporary and hollow, what's the alternative? The answer given
by all the great philosophers is to find it within yourself. To find success within is to achieve
contentment. Contentment is emotionally accepting your present as being what it is, without being filled
with resentment, frustration, or irritation at anything you are undergoing.

Everyone fantasizes about a state of existence in which they have gotten their lives together once and
for all. This vision of some future state in which life problems evaporate and life begins to run flawlessly
is an illusion. Life will always present you with challenges and personal distress. Just when you think
you're gaining in some area, a crisis knocks you off balance. The important thing is to get back up and
start again.

Thanks for joining us in this journey of personal discovery and change. We wish you continuing success
in your pursuit of personal happiness. Keep growing and learning, and have a great life.

Assignment #6
Go to the Message Board and discuss the challenges and successes you've had as you've
taken this course. Think about whether medication or therapy might be for you. Weigh the
options and share with your classmates as you wish.

Quiz #6
Question 1:
Why should some seek counseling?
A) It can accelerate your growth
B) Insurance will cover it
C) It's the easy way out
D) It's a miracle cure
 
Question 2:
Research results indicate that about 70 percent of social anxiety disorder patients achieve worthwhile gains
from medication therapy.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 3:
If your child is shy, you should assume they have severe social anxiety.
A) True
B) False
 
Question 4:
To find success within is to achieve _________.
A) Failure
B) Contentment
C) Professionalism
D) Intelligence
 
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