WEEK THE FIRST

UGANDA : OSABBIITI OESOOKA

so you know what they say about a sore thumb, about how it always sticks out ?
well let me tell ya summat, suhs and missuses . ain't no thumb ever stuck out like a white girl in uganda
but what is it like (you ask) y'know, for real, in africa .
FIR!"# it is exactly like the sterety!es
the only thin$ that doesn't fit the iconical hollywood%enforced ima$e of africa already en$rained in our head is the occasional
westerner, flamboyantly clad in heels or doc martins, so&&in$ly ti&&in$ a martini &ast elon$ated nails and sim&erin$ de'ectedly at
the !er"idius dnny#rk " third$wrld ne$archais%s . but i di$ress, and that's a to&ic for another day
()*+,"# the climate
it is wonderfully hot and sunny, its e-uatorial location is re"reshingly cris! n %y irish !ig%entatin (albeit undoubtedly
melanomous) . also . and thou$h it is to my cha$rin that i admit it % the brit in me bemoans the lack of little from the states
more than thunderstorms (y'know, the &ro&er ones, where the sul is wrenched int e&ery hrcrux it deser&es' the #reath is
shattered alng a craggy cicatrice that the wind has etched in its wake' and the &ery sles " ne(s "eet #alance !er&iusly
at! the )ui&ering #wels " Earth hersel"), and therefore it was to much more than deli$ht that i awoke this mornin$ at the chir&y
hour of /0h to hear not the customary cacchination of monkeys but the cacklin$ howl of the Rainy eason come to call
!1IR,"# that %st in"a%us " "rangi#le narcissis%s, the tan%line
clearly we're not discussin$ a &roblem for locals (don't ask why, and if you do, shun u&on your stu&idity) but indeed we find it )uite
the )uandary "r a !ale "e%ale, who by (ast 2frican custom is e3&ected to wear shin%len$th skirts (at the shortest) and non%
be$uilin$ to&s (at the modestest) . ah well, 'ust don't tell the lads back home (muahaha4tehehe)
F*5R!1"# my work
basically, i am workin$ for the only or$anisation in the country to liaise between &re%, inter%, and &ost%&rison systems
but what (you may ask)what does that mean ??
hmmm . let's see then, how to e3&lain . well, to $ive you an idea of my first two days (yesterday and today) 6
7 the former was s&ent
2 briefin$ me on my role (Intern with the De!art%ent " *ustice and +e!resentati&e " The A"rica ,risns ,r-ect)
8 overviewin$ &lans for the 9%week tri& to +orthern 5$anda which I shall be takin$ from the start of ne3t week (where I shall
&erform the &arale$al 'ob of trainin$ both )ommunity *fficers and the :olice Force on
; the foundlin$ &ractice of Reconciliation
9 the cnce!t " hu%an rights
< how best to navi$ate the conundrum of overcrowdin$ (which, thou$h an issue worldwide . $osh darn even the +ew
1am&shire tate :ri= uses cots in the canteen . is e3cerbated in 5$anda by the fact that
i only those on death row are allotted lawyers
ii those without lawyers are both too &oor to hire one and too uneducated to understand the &rocess without one
iii the &olice arrest and incarcerate individuals re$ardless of 28 above, thereafter lea&ing the% #ehind #ars with
neither recom&ense nor follow%u&
iv the additive effects of 28) results in inmates who (let's take one real%world e3am&le) have been in &rison for
three years for stealin$ a chicken
.. wait where's my &aranthesis . ah yes, my so'ourn to +orthern 5$anda))
WEEK THE FIRST
7 now back to my first day at work
) thereafter bein$ left on my own for si3 hours (not &hysically alone, 'ust unsu&ervised in my research) to
; research any and all thin$s relatin$ to the afore%mentioned &ano&ly of &ro'ects
9 create a &ro$ramme outline for our work in +orthern 5$anda
< desi$n lesson &lans for +ecnciliatin and .u%an +ights
0 write a re&ort (summarisin$ the &ractice of Reconciliation in 5$anda) for an u&comin$ international or$anisation of
)orrections and :olice
7 and as for what I did on the latter (today), i've been $iven &ermission to work from my hostel rather than $o in to the office (oh,
did i mention that it's a three$hur c%%ute each way for an />h to ;>h 'ob), whence i am
2 finalisin$ my lessons &lans
8 followin$ u& on yesterday's conference Reconciliation re&ort with a full abstract (oh, did i mention that this Reconciliation fad is a
custom be$un and &roselytised by ?r @ose&h Aony himself (a$ain, don't ask, and if you do, shun . but this time for i$norance
rather than stu&idity)
. so, basically, i am in' under' and all &er %y ele%ent
FIF!1"# my accommodation
there are %s)uit nets n e&ery #ed (all of the time), ht water in the c%%unal shwer (most of the time), wi"i in !in!inted
s!ts (some of the time), and instant c""ee (rare of the time) . ie, i couldn't ask for better (at the &rice iBm &ayin$, at least .
but hey, who wouldn't turn down this offer for CD &er ni$ht EahemE all of you EahemE)
IF!1"# the &eo&le
as a %u/ungu (think $rin$o borderline s&ic, but said to my face) i can be no more sur&rised by men $rabbin$ my wrist and &ullin$
me toward their %eticulusly s!layed terry$clth " #lack %arket treasures (not $onna lie, my recent months of martial%arts
trainin$ have tau$ht me at least a few handy wrist%s&ins if nothin$ else) than i can be by the steel$ted' AK$01 slung' silently
!arading yet threateningly #ser&ing guards &atrollin$ every street corner and doorway (su&ermarkets not withheld) at every hour
and on every day . but eh, if i were a dictator who had myself taken !wer &ia cu! (not to mention the news of late . try
$oo$lin$ ''westgate$style ka%!ala'' and you'll know what i mean) then i'd &robably re-uisite the same
(G(+!1"# the traffic
and you thou$ht west$ate was bad ??
.... 1*%"#%1I!
(thou$h i $uess the irony is that 2&&le really can't thrive here, as not a sin$le human in his ri$ht mind would dare meander these
streets in i&od'ic head&hone $lory)
but what do you mean, kelsi ?? i've been to new york city HH
.... I! ,*I+ F**'
7 like, you $uys have this thin$ called drunk drivin$, ri$ht ? well, we dri&e drunk
7 and you $uys have ta3is ? we have J%seater minibuses . with 23 !e!le sardined inside
7 sidewalks (or as the britons moniker, &avement) ? try ga!ing ca&erns in rad #est -u%!ed with a strng heel
7 bicyles for two ? how about for "ur 45 n ne seat
7 motorcycles for &leasure ? a$ain, $oo$le boda%boda (oh, and did i mention that w%en ride side$saddle)
. so &retty much, (and think back to Aony, for those i$noramuses amon$ you) the 6+A can(t hld tallw t trans!rtatin
WEEK THE FIRST
(IK1!1"# the "IF( HH
i can't even . there's no way . okay, i'd like to use a life%line for this one, :hone 2 Friend to #ou!ube, &lease 6
> http :// www .youtube .com / watch ? v = YcXVdWYydT 8
> http :// www .youtube .com / watch ? v = eej _ O 6 emaV
> http :// www .youtube .com / watch ? v = eej _ O 6 emaV
> http :// www .youtube .com / watch ? v = d!d "# $ _% &X&
+I+!1"# my netbook
remember how my lil' ole technolo$y friend was shot (ie, dead . errh, yeah, !erha!s i shuld watch %y anthr!%r!his%s here
huh), well, $uess what ?H?H? my lovely housemate devon and i took it a&art, de%staticised the internal motherboard, reassembled
the bits and confi$ured the battery, shined it u&, and &ila 77 all for free, too, but then as a &recaution i &urchased a new battery (L%
cell lithium ion versus the <%cell already in &lace) and now i can travel not only in refurbished style but, when the old fart of a
battery $ets tired, in e3tended style as well (which for those of you who own a netbook, will understand immediately when i $lorify
the wnder which is %y se&en$hur 8$cell)
!(+!1"# the &rices
be$$in$ &ardon to kello$$'s, there isn(t %uch "rsaken culturally with the concomitant loss of western cereal (oh, fancy some
&ers&ective ? cereal here refers to, like, the $rain, as in the most common cereals are millet, wheat, barley, and rye) . findin$ the
occasional bo3 of the hallowed cornflakes is, of course, &ossible, thou$h at the e3orbitant &rice of ;L,/// u$andan shillin$s, its
!rice$tag is s%ewhat ""$!utting . carlsber$ and monster ener$y are $oin$ to cut into your &ocket L,/// shillin$s, bath and door
mats ;/,/// and </,/// res&ectively, a $ilded &hoto frame (com&lete with &a&er insert of 1illary ,uff (aka "i==ie ?cKuire))
9/,///, and for the ascetic amon$ us, the im&orted a&&les and oran$es run a tab of ;9,/// &er kilo with a decent coffee in the
ran$e of >A . but as for local $oods ? well, if you fancy a cumbersomely lar$e ba$ of rice we'll be askin$ for a &ayment of 0///
shillin$s, a te3tbook%si=ed &ack of dried &lantains 9///, and a street%si==led to&&in$%dri==led flatbread M//, thou$h if food isn't your
thin$, a s&iral notebook is $oin$ to dent you 0//, a snack%&ack of dou$h nuts NsicO ;//, and woe u&on he who for$ets the two%litre
water clockin$ in at >// shillin$s
but ah, youn$ master $am$ee . what is the currency e3chan$e ? (you ask)
okay, wait for it . wait "r it nw . 9M// 5KF to ; 5,
.... #(21
. now $o convert those &rices
("(G(+!1"# because i am flounderin$ for an eleventhly (as all the best do in the e&onymous hour)
i have a bit of an history of five%fin$er discountin$ (what can i say, it's addictive and i'm damn $ood at it), and had read that
%uggings and the"t are %re than c%%n here in the ca&ital city . needless to say, i was curious as to the handlin$ of thieves
over here, havin$ 'oked with housemates that in true aladdin%style it would be off with his hand HH or if under the e3treme
circumstances of K!2 G, -ueen%of%hearts%style in an off with his head HH
but alas, the veil has been lifted from mine eyes . ever heard of %# -ustice ?
here's how it $oes down 6
7 2 steals 8 from )
7 2 (be$ins to) flees
7 ) &oints, yells thief
7 crowd conver$es on 2
7 crowd beats 2 to death
7 crowd kindly returns 8 to )
WEEK THE FIRST
.. so yeah, that's how we roll u& in heB . which &uts a whle new s!in n %aterial wrth dun'nit ?
1(2R!
kel